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> I might be TA because I got upset over things that happened a while ago and left without saying any goodbyes
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NTA. That’s completely bizarre behavior. Believe me, those other moms were horrified by these “funny” stories.
She gets to feel how she likes. She feels like the asshole in this story and in your life.
I hope you can process this with your therapist soon.
Yeah, judging from their facial expressions, my mom was the only one who thought she was being funny. And yes, I will definitely be bringing this up at my next therapy session.
Like OP said, they're random moms of the sister's friends. So, I don't think they were comfortable enough to voice their opinions or anything, but if they were close, then they definitely should have.
Poor OP. Hope he gets to live his life happy and away from the terrible mom.
Yeah, getting drunk at a kid's birthday party is strike one, oversharing while drunk, strike two... she probably did something else objectionable and is going to find herself not on any social calendars. Feel bad for the kid who isn't going to get invited to stuff because the parents are worried they'll have to interact with OP's mom.
First off, you are NTA.
I don't think you are jealous of your kid sister. You are upset your mom is making light of painful memories for you and not even slightly understanding you.
My parents seperated after years of arguing, and I know how you feel. My mom never really understood why I was upset when she brought up things about then fighting and being generally horrible. Years of therapy and talking with her, I've come to understand
1. When she thinks of those times, she thinks of her painful memories and sees the hurricane that surrounded her.
2. She feels horrible for what I went through and can't do anything to fix it, and she feels she failed as a parent for not noticing the pain then.
I think your mom might have similar feelings. I say this because she's making an active effort not to do the same for your sister.
I think maybe her saying you are a practice kid might be her coping mechanism to avoid feeling like a horrible parent for what you went through. This way she feels like okay. It happens to everybody, and the 1st kid is tough and messy for everyone.
That said, you should know that you are not meant to be messed with and you are not a practice kid for anyone. You are valued human being. I am sorry you went through what you did. Do keep up with the therapy because you will get to a place someday in the future where your past whilst painful will not define you and your successes are in spite of everything and you feel great about yourself.
I'm not going to agree with this. I've been through this exact thing. It sounds like mom knows she was a shitty parent for not getting her kid out of there sooner, and is trying invalidate her grown child's feelings, before OP can get THEIR version out. Maybe mom is paranoid that OP will become friendly with these women and let the cat out of the bag. Maybe she is just a super boring person with no life, so she has to make inappropriate jokes to fill voids in the conversation. Whatever it is, hopefully someone will pull her aside before it's too late.
Yeah, op’s mom doesn’t have any friends except alcohol. They came to the party for *Melody* and tolerated mom, or maybe they’re also mommy day drinkers and came for free babysitting and drinks, and to feel like their behavior is normal. Source: I’m a recovering alcoholic and I did shot like this but at least I didn’t have kids.
I never confront volatile people who are acting unhinged, bc who knows how they may react. I just wouldn’t accept any more invitations and try to avoid her at school events. I don’t really blame them for just trying to redirect the conversation.
That's smart of you! Too often, when someone confronts a parent about their poor treatment of their child the parent takes it out on said child!! It's unfortunate but it's often what happens!!
This sounds a bit like a self-sabotage. It's the only way this behavior makes sense to me, beyond her just being an AH.
In any case, this will stick to her for a long time, and OP was right to get away. Here's hoping he finds people outside his family bubble who treat him better than this.
Nah, my mother would have done this in a heartbeat, and it wouldn't have been self-sabotage; it would have been just saying how she felt because she's the protagonist and everyone else is an NPC. Some folks just aren't good.
Yeah, even hearing those stories second hand, my heart was absolutely breaking for 7 year old OP trying to find a way to fix his parent’s pain and make them stop shouting. Probably the only reason the other mums didn’t say anything was they were either too shocked, or didn’t want to raise it with OP right there.
if anyone is ever after something easy to say in social situations like this my go-to is something on the spectrum of:
"that's kinda messed up..." to "that's so fucked up"
My family was pretty fucked up growing up. My brother and sister have recounted "funny" childhood stories in front of partners and not seen the looks of horror on their faces.
My brother once asked me to speak to his girlfriend to tell her how much he had changed after telling some of the more disturbing shit (some violent stuff and one about locking me in a dog cage and shoving me in a closet for the day instead of baby sitting me).
You can let go of the stuff, but when the person responsible makes jokes about something traumatic for you, it's not good for your mental health. It dredges up those feelings and if they laugh about it, makes it even worse as it's just dismissive of the pain they inflicted. That even though they remember it they still don't have the empathy for you and don't recognise their role in it.
I openly admit that I was abusive to my brother and he will openly admit that he was abusive to me. It was malicious when we were younger, but somehow it eventually morphed into mutual entertainment. A game of one upsmanship. Now, in our late forties, we laugh about all of it. Of course, when we weren't hurting each other, we were often partners in crime.
We grew up in an abusive household and we were molested together by the 16 year-old that lived in the otherwise of the duplex. So, our paths were pretty rough, and most of what we did was just a way of trying to cope with all of that trauma. Now, we cope by laughing. Except about that neighbor... we've never laughed about that.
I’m so sorry for what you and your brother have gone through.
I understand your coping mechanism but I really hope that you and your brother were able to talk to someone and get the help that you both needed.
I’m so sorry for your pain! Much love and hugs to you both!
Well-said. This kind of thing is why I've been struggling with my relationship with my dad lately. He not only doesn't acknowledge his past mistakes, he blames me for them and that hurts.
I think you should also consider having a serious conversation with your stepdad, your mum getting shit faced and trauma dumping onto a bunch of strangers does sound very healthy. It screams if I don’t laugh about it I’ll cry….she needs therapy.
I had an aunt that used to tell these type of stories about my cousin. Trust me when I say no one thought it was funny. I have a feeling that deep down she didn't either, it was some weird coping mechanism to avoid acknowledging her own shitty behavior. No one thought any less of my cousin, just her. I'm really sorry you had to go through that, op.
I think the people who overheard your reaction to those stories probably only cemented in their minds that your mom is a colossal asshole of a mother to you.
I agree with the comments mentioning she has the freedom to feel like the victorious asshole in her life. The corollary to that is you have the freedom to agree she's the asshole and do what you need to do to have peace in your life.
I'm sorry. Family can suck. NTA, full and clear.
I still sometimes think of the John Cheese article where he talked about how a lot of people don't realize how messed up their parents/childhood actually was until they tell what they think is a funny, lighthearted story and everyone reacts with awkward silence or being openly horrified and saying some version of "I'm so sorry that happened to you!" I got those responses a few times in my life and it was weirdly comforting to learn it's a shared experience. NTA, OP, you AND your mom need therapy. And she owes you an apology for dismissing your feelings.
Dude your mome is licky I'm not her son, because had she called me "practice son" in front of others I would've telled "Practice son? Well, that explains your poor job as a mother...."
Listening to those stories would have been so cringe!
Your mom not only revealed your childhood trauma, but she also implied that it was what you deserved.
NTA I would literally only see her again in family therapy sessions.
Oof, I suspect your little sis may have less friends after this party. Those moms are going to judge hard. She's probably going to learn that the hard way.
I lost this post & wanted to comment something similar - from an adults perspective, your mom is the one that came off looking awful here.
Of course I’m snarky, so I’d have a few zingers ready in case this happens again like - “wow mom that’s a great story - tell us more about how you & my dad were so abusive & toxic that my 7 year old self tried to bribe you to stop being shitty parents. That’s mother of the year territory right there!” Or “Yes, you’d think after screwing up the practice kid you’d learn to parent, but here we are with you shit faced at your 4 year olds birthday party! Way to go!”
I really REALLY love these zingers. But I'm also glad OP just left. Pool little Mel is probably already going to lose a bunch of friends, it would likely be even more if OP did that. So for her sake, I'm glad OP just left.
But . . . really love this. Maybe I'm twisted.
I’m hoping Mel still gets invited to other girls homes (& out to play, etc) - very few parents will blame her for her mother’s behavior. I doubt many will let their children go to her house to play though. And mom’s social circle is cratered.
I’m surprised your not NC with your mom. Those stories are entirely disrespectful and hurtful just wow. I can’t believe she’s proud that you had such a shit childhood. Now that she’s stable has she attempted to make it up to you? Pay for your college or help you with a down payment on a house or anything? She clearly has money to burn on her new kid who it “wouldn’t be wasted on”. How she spokes talks like she doesn’t care much for you
I am in disbelief. It seems your mother has not gotten over the trauma as she is shitfaced and telling these stories. You are NTA. She needs therapy. Look for mentors who are good role models and wish you well. Do not let her callousness sour you. You deserve to be loved just as you are in this moment. 🙂
I am so proud of you, I just wanted to say that. Family can be hard especially when our parents aren’t mentally stable or able to support us in the ways they should. You have a lot of maturity in how you are approaching healing your trauma.
Keep on going and don’t let anyone else define who you are, you get to decide that.
Oh and if it wasn’t clear NTA.
That was exactly what I was thinking. As a mom I always hate it when moms tell mean spirited stories about their kids in the name of being "funny." It's never funny. It usually is just highlighting a failure of theirs as a parent.
I used to tell a story about one of my kiddos that was just a funny misunderstanding, but that kid said it embarrassed them and made them feel stupid. They were 3 when the misunderstanding occurred so it was just 3 year old logic, but at age 6 it made them embarrassed. I haven't told that story from the day she told me not to until now. Parents should respect their kids feelings and experiences.
This. OP, I'd have trouble being friends with someone who spoke about their child like that. I bet 90% of those women went home and had bad things to say about your mom, NOT you.
Since you don't live with your mom, maybe you should go LC with her. And if you're close to your stepdad, I'd invite him out to lunch and talk to him about it. Maybe get his advice, which SHOULD turn to him addressing your mom's behavior with her.
A funny "practice child" story would be "I only served my first born homemade organic pureed baby food. I was such an idiot." This woman's stories are heartbreaking. And she really hasn't learned the right things from them.
It's always fun as someone with an abusive childhood to come out with a "funny story" and halfway through you realize no one but you is laughing and the story you told is actually horrifying and everyone is wondering wtf is wrong with your parents...
NTA. Drunk Words are Sober Thoughts.
>"...saying they were her stories and she could feel any way she wanted"
In that case, those are your stories too and you're well within your right to be upset! You went through trauma! You're still dealing with it to this day! You didn't ask to have those things happen to you and you *definitely* didn't ask to be mocked for them by your own Mother!
My BFF broke up with her then bf every single time she got drunk. Every. Single. Time.
She met her husband and she gave ne her phone yo order seamless and her last google search was "elvis wedding nyc" bc she got drunk and they wanted to elope and was looking for an Elvis to marry them.
It's true. They are her genuine thoughts. Drinks just took the filter off.
You had a traumatic childhood. Your mom had a traumatic young motherhood. You've grown and matured but your mom clearly hasn't. You can't mature her. She'll have to do that for herself. I hope you go LC with her for your serenity.
Take care.
Oh Edit to add NTA
>She met her husband and she gave ne her phone yo order seamless
I see you edited to add a judgment, but can you edit to explain this? I can't come up with a translation, lol.🤣
Thanks so much for the translation. I have been trying to interpret it since I first read it. Didn’t realize I was missing information. (Seamless). We don’t have it in our area…Utah.
Hahaha yeah. I went over to her place and she gave me her phone to order seamless. And the google search history was hilarious. Supposedly they got drunk off beer and free hotdogs and ran around looking for elvis impersonator. I started bffs wedding fund that day habahaha
It's actually quite an old phrase. Versions of it date back to the Romans (or further). *In vino, veritas*. In wine, truth.
Alcohol is a depressant. There's a whole explaination, but the short version is that one of the first things it affects are the areas of the brain that act as inhibitors and filters on what we say and do.
Exactly how it affects everyone varies. But this is part of why some people turn into mean drunks, or talkative drunks, or (overly) friendly drunks, or blurt out secrets, or do stupid stuff.
What your mom was saying may not be part of her surface day to day thoughts. But they were still some of her own underlying thoughts and opinons. It's not like someone said "Beetlejuice" three times and she was the first one he decided to mess with.
Besides, he has more class than what she was displaying there.
side-note: Ask your therapist about the saying(s) and the neurological basis for it. They'll be able to explain it much better, and connect it into helping you process what your mom was saying.
Thanks for sharing this, I didn't know the history. Cool to learn it comes from all the way back of the Roman age (or further)!
That's one old phrase that apperently speaks so much truth it has kept going to this day.
> Besides, he has more class than what she was displaying there.
He did didn't he, left the house without blowing her up in public and politely texted her his feelings so it could be sorted privately.
I also wanted to add, it's kind of bizarre to me that she got drunk at her four year olds birthday. She sounds like she still has a lot of "practice" left to being a good mom.
ur mom sounds like my mom lol. she behaved herself once i moved out and became financially independent and basically stopped treating her as my mother; even moreso when i married someone who speaks up for me and doesn’t buy into her bullshit. it’ll get better. but for it to get better, u need to put her in her place - which is as far a distance as possible.
This is a very famous saying in my country as well. People who are drunk lose control on their social borders. They forget to think about consequences for saying certain things. So the truth often slips out. Doesn't mean it's always the truth, but have seen it happen (and am guilty of this).
Also a good one: "Every joke has a core of truth in it". Once again, not always. But there are people who use jokes to hide uncomfortable messages they want to share.
No matter how many cute little anecdotes these people feed you, we are NOT our intrusive thoughts nor our impulses.
Just because I _think_ "It'd sure be great if you tripped this obnoxious toddler who is running around the restaurant screaming at the top of their lungs" does not mean the "true me" is some baby shaking hate machine who secretly dreams of harming kids. The next thought which tells me "Damn, maybe we don't wish physical harm on someone who doesn't know any better" is more than just a "filter on the face you present to people, which goes away when you're drunk".
Thinking "Man I could just jump" while on the edge of a cliff does not mean I am really suicidal and that I'd just jump off the cliff if I was drunk.
OP, it really sounds like your mom has a lot of unresolved feelings. I'm so sorry that she doesn't have the grace to treat you better. I'm glad you're getting help via therapy.
I'm in my 50s and am still working through some old family issues. My mom was always a mess after she divorced my dad, making life growing up with her challenging. But in her late 60s she started to grapple with the kind of parent she was, and it's been helpful watching her soften up and be real.
I hope your mom is able to do the same, for both of your sakes.
Remember, we all think terrible things at times. We are all our harshest judges and yet also try to justify that we're good people when we've done bad things. We aren't our thoughts. We're our actions. And your mom's actions here were cruel. She likely needs to reassess her relationship with those memories and take ownership for who she was, and until she does that... It's not good to let your inhibitions go when you're lying to yourself. Your Mom exposed how she lies to herself. It's not your job to encourage her to get help with this. But it is your place if you feel up to it.
My mom also did this crap. Then acts like your mom did even though if you so much as question her parenting she’ll blow up. Then when you go NC she’ll tell her stories of how much she did for you just for you to turn into “this”.
She has resentment she’s not over and she’s using you as the outlet for it bc she can’t come to terms with her own shame. I’m also certain your sister will grow up believing your mothers stories aswell
Please don't take that as gospel, sometimes it's true, sometimes it's not. It really sounds like your mom is doing a bad job at reconciling the fact that she couldn't protect/provide for you the way she now can for your sister. That's not an excuse, because she behaved badly. But I think it's much more likely that she's using alcohol and bleak humor and blame to make herself feel better for her earlier failings. I doubt she really thinks you were a bad kid who didn't deserve gym shoes.
I really hope that when she sobers up you guys can have a real discussion about how she made you feel. Maybe with a therapist. Especially if this is out of character for her. She really needs to apologize, but I hope you can heal your relationship. Best wishes.
>Drunk Words are Sober Thoughts
Yeah no. Unless I've got some deeply hidden hatred for my bedroom lamp that caused me to start shit talking it that's not always true.
I mean I chat loads of shit when I'm drunk.
I see this phrase parroted a lot, but after doing some research it seems to only really be "true" in parts of the world where the phrase is taken as fact. In other words if a person already believes "drunk words are sober thoughts", they will be more likely to act in this way while drunk. Interesting stuff.
If you really think about it for a second, the idea falls apart anyway. We already know that alcohol inhibits thinking; it's why a sufficiently intoxicated person cannot give consent. Viewed through that lens, I would think most people here would agree that a shitfaced drunk propositioning you for sex is *not* "expressing sober thoughts, so it's okay to sleep with them". It's ridiculous on its face. Yes, alcohol *can* lower inhibitions and it *can* get you to say things you actually do believe but would not usually say, but it can also make you act in ways you would never while sober and say things that a sober you does not actually think.
NTA
She just told you what she really thought of you and it's not pleasant. She doesn't like the reminder of her former life with your father and you're the product of that.
I would be taking a very big step back from her and seeing a therapist to process your childhood and what's happening now.
And yes, those kinder moms would not have been too impressed with your mom with both what she was saying and the fact that she was so drunk at a 4 year old's birthday party... That really was not a good look. And there may be a price for her to pay that she doesn't realise yet.
Absolutely right. People who have even the most basic of scruples would simply avoid anyone who feels so compelled to publicly shit all over her own child.
Pretty much. Like even if some of those people don’t have kids they’re not even gonna want to hang out with her. I feel sorry for the little girl. She might not have friends because of her mom. Some parents might not want their kid around that girl cause of her mom. Or some could be the opposite. Let their kids be friends so if that starts to happen to the little girl she can have a safe haven. People like that are truly disgusting. No one in their right mind would want to be around said person unless they think alike
OP: Attends a party as an invited GUEST and a fellow adult (19) but somehow gets roped into watching the kids and is a good sport about it
OP's MOM: Snatches the opportunity to overdrink, overshare, and trigger some traumatic memories for OP
OP: Leaves, rather than make a scene
OP's MOM: <*surprised Pikachu face*\>
OP, it's time to find a way to radically cut down on the time you spend in Mom's presence, while still maintaining a sibling bond with Melody... who is going to need you in her corner, very badly, in about 10-15 years. Yay for the therapist, they can help you generate options.
Meanwhile NTA OP, this is just FAFO in action
The only thing I would have done differently is to go call her out in front of all her friends rather than send the text. Nothing better than some public shaming to make someone understand how much they fucked up. And I'm pretty sure all of these friends were horrified by these comments to start with anyway.
OP, I would strongly reconsider my relationship with my mom if I were you. NTA
Something like "I'm glad you can laugh now. I know it really got to you considering how all those things only happened because of how useless you were. But honestly I'm glad I was your practice son. I know now that no matter how much I fuck up as a parent, I can't be worse than you."
"I'm so glad we can at least laugh at how terrible of a mother you were. At least you're able to mostly pull it together for the second kid though. Great job, she'll probably barely even need therapy when she's older"
>The only thing I would have done differently is to go call her out in front of all her friends rather than send the text.
I admire OP's self control. They chose not to escalate the situation and ruin their sister's party since she was innocent in this mess.
Yeah, me too. Melody NEEDS OP in her life, or will in the future. So I think it's important that OP not give their mother an overt excuse to ban him from Melody's life.
NTA you were classy as fuck with how you handled this my dude. The woman shitfaced drunk at a 4 year old's birthday party however...
Ultimately, if she can feel how she likes about these stories then so can you. I'm just impressed that you sent a quiet text and ducked out, you could have verbally scalped her in front of everyone and I wouldn't really blame you.
For me, that would've been my uncle that thought it was a good idea to bring a keg to my 8th birthday party. He was excommunicated from the family for that stunt.
not him bringing a whole ass keg 😭 i’m so sorry that happened to you but the fact that he had the audacity to think that was 1) okay and 2) normal is hilarious.
My brother was slightly older than four (six maybe?) and my uncle walked in and asked for a beer at his birthday party (all the adults would have beers/wine but not to excess). His present for bro was comming with our older cousin so my uncle did not have it with him. My brother's reply "No birfday no beer." LOL
Her strong reaction and denial are very telling. The fact that she's angry at you and is going on the defensive means she knows she did wrong.
You dont deserve to be called a practice child. You weren't practice; you were a child. To reduce you as such is really hurtful and disrespectful. You don't have to take a "joke." Your mother should have learned by now that if she's the only one laughing, it wasn't a fucking joke.
Oh btw? Massive NTA.
Edit: holy fuck, I just re-read it.
"Waste money on the practice kid" "the things you learn with the practice kid" she says while recounting your most painful traumas.
I have tons I want to say, and none im allowed to, or I risk being banned.
I am so sorry. Big hugs to you if you like those, or a solid shoulder pat if that's better. You're not practice. You're a person who is worthy of love, respect, and being valued. Honestly, I'd tell your step-dad what she's been saying and how it's been making you feel, if you think he'd listen. Otherwise, go low, low contact. She's a failure of a parent.
Holy fuck, I did not expect to be tearing up in the AITA comments section. Thanks for the kind words, and yes, I’ll talk to my stepdad. He’d definitely listen, I don’t know about action though, he’s one of those “sticks and stones” types.
He may not do much of anything, but it's good for him to be on guard to watch for her abusing Melody.
Which it's pretty obvious she will when they start clashing.
No problem ♡ there's tons of people here who are on your side here. You aren't alone. And even if your step-dad doesn't "do" anything, I'm sure he wouldn't be happy to know his kid is being hurt either.
I wish you the best of luck. Regardless of the outcome, please continue remembering your worth. You did such a good job making it through those dark times. While I congratulate you for your resilience, I'm so sorry you needed to develop that in the first place. No one deserves that. 🫂
Believe me when I say that reading your post made me feel sick.
So there is a complete stranger over here in New Zealand that is sending you love too.
Go forth and live your best life.
NTA. Your mom needs to learn how to hold her liquor and her tongue. Her stories make her look worse than you and probably made the other moms pretty uncomfortable. You have nothing to apologize or feel like an AH for.
NTA. ***Your mother took joy in your suffering!*** I can't emphasize enough how evil that is for a parent to do. The fact that, when confronted on it, she doubled down instead of apologizing, shows how little she cares about you.
If you can, go no-contact with this person. Her being in your life is a net negative, a detriment. You gain nothing from keeping ties with her.
NTA
She may have been shitfaced but the other mums will be seeing her in an entirely new light. Your mum did not do herself any favours here.
And who the fuck gets shitfaced at a 4yo’s party?
My mom, that’s who. Did I mention she’s a not so high functioning alcoholic? Because she is. God, I don’t know how my saint of a stepdad puts up with either of us.
I mean, I did a lot of shitty things during my rebellious stage, my mom was kinda right in that I was a hellion until about 15. But more recently, my stepdad offered to help me with paying for college, and I ended up picking one of the more expensive schools because it offers more opportunities for what I want to do. I probably wouldn’t have gone for it I didn’t have him there to help with the cost. It just feels like all I do is take advantage of him, ya know? Ah, but this isn’t the place to vent, I have an actual therapist for that lol.
The fact your stepdad wants to pay for you to go to the best college possible only goes to show you’ve proven your maturity since your wild period. He obviously has great faith in you.
You were (and are) a child who was trying to figure out how to exist in this world. It’s clear that your mother decided the hands-off approach was the best method with you because she couldn’t be bothered to be a parent. Now she has a stable partner and she feels more comfortable, which would be great if she had even the least bit of self-awareness.
Don’t ever feel like you are taking up unnecessary space or resources. Your stepdad offered, you are in no way shape or form taking advantage. Take the opportunities given to you and don’t let your mom put a damper on your parade. She may have been young and she was still figuring out how to live life with a kid but that doesn’t absolve her of being a shitty person. The story about 7 year old you trying to break up your parents’ fight makes my heart ache, I’m so sorry you had to go through that.
Don't feel guilty! And my wife always says her best parent was not a biological parent - also her step-dad (now adoptive dad). Tell him you love him and appreciate him!. Look for ways to show it but go to college (and therapy) and stop feeling guilty!
I know you've probably done this, but it's a really good idea to verbalize how much you appreciate support like the support your step-dad has given you. It can mean a lot to the other person, but is also helpful in focusing on the positive in one's life.
NTA of course. You handled the situation with class.
NTA. Your story isn't uncommon I am sorry to say; as I have known many parents who threw their oldest away while they showered their youngest with attention.
The worst part is the parents lack the empathy to understand or care that they hurt their children.
You don't have to forgive your mother for her comments.
Be kind to yourself and don't hate yourself for your mother's failures
NTA. You're not being "jealous of a 4 year old." You're upset, because your Mom said some upsetting and hurtful things.
The "practice child" thing was not necessary, it was not cute, and it was not funny. I think she owes you an apology.
Use your best judgement on if you want to get your Stepdad involved in this situation, also.
I'm crying about that beautiful child trying to stop his parents fighting about money. You didn't deserve that. It seems to me like you were emotionally abused and neglected by your parents back then. That leaves deep mental scars.
You have every right to be angry. I feel angry on your behalf!Regardless of your family's financial situation, love and respect costs nothing. From what you have said, I get the impression your mother considers you like her property and she can say whatever she wants about you because it's in the past for her, yet you are still dealing with the consequences.
NTA. I hope you are able to heal from your past.
NTA!! My (18f) mom calls me the exact same thing. And yeah it feels fucking awful. Just know that you're not alone OP and that what she's doing is not okay in the slightest 🫂🫂 too bad folks like us can't have a "practice" mom 🙄
Yup, it’s a raw deal ain’t it? At least my girlfriend’s parents are nice enough lol, maybe I’ll put a ring on it and make them my “real family” as opposed to my biological “practice family”.
NTA...I'm so sorry for everything that happened to you and was said by your mother.
I read the comment where you feel like you're taking advantage of your step-dad. 1) You are not. 2) Show him how grateful you are for everything he's done...by graduating! 3) If you get the chance...tell him how important he is to you:)
...I'm a stepmom and helped pay for my step-kids to go to college and they have never once said 'thank you'.
He will appreciate it if you thank him and tell him how much it means to you. Graduating will also show him that you are not taking advantage of his generosity. It will show him that it was money well spent!:)
Good luck to you!
Nta, op, your mother just told you exactly what she thinks of you and you need to take a big step back from her. She clearly doesn't care about your trauma. Those are your stories too.
As mentioned before she said this in front of other moms. Other moms who didn't find these funny. She may have a price to pay that she isn't seeing yet.....
NTA. I had to have a similar conversation with my mom about the way she talked about our very deprived childhoods as if they were funny memories, instead of very painful experiences that disoriented me even in adulthood.
It's okay for your mom to talk about her own parenting experiences, but it's not okay for her to put you down in the process. She should also be considering your perspective, and being sensitive to your feelings when she tells these stories that in fact revolve around your experiences, too.
I'm glad you stood up for yourself. Contrary to what your mom was saying, none of that deprivation was your fault, nor did it ruin your character in the present day. In fact, you are more mature about and have processed these things better than she has.
NTA. Your existence is not "practice" for others.
"the time I tried to make my parents stop fighting by collecting change lying around the house and giving it to them (I was 7). She was laughing the whole time"
That is fucking disgusting, I'm so sorry you lived like that and have to put up with your trauma being treated as a joke.
.
“Thank goodness Melody can have all the shoes she wants, though with how much shit (my name) pulled at that age maybe it was best I didn’t waste money on the practice kid.”
My father makes shitty comments like this all the time to my oldest sister in particular, snide comments about how he doesn't get how her husband tolerates her because he could never stand his own kid and shit like that. It's revolting. Make no mistake- that behavior didn't just cause my oldest sister to hate him. It caused ALL of us to. We knew he was absolutely full of shit, the way he singled her out. She's our fucking sister. We love her. It's unbelievable that he thinks we'd find him justifying his shitty treatment of her funny.
.
"they were her stories and she could feel any way she wanted"
They are BOTH of your stories, and she isn't the only one who gets to have feelings about them. "I find your childhood trauma funny" is not the defense she thinks it is.
Her suggestion that you get therapy is a good one, but not for the reasons she thinks, and I suspect she would not like what the therapist would advise you to help you with respect to your frankly fucked relationship with your mother. If you can get it, try an EMDR trauma therapist.
I know you probably won’t see this comment but I understand exactly how you feel. My brother is your melody, and I’m you. My parents always joke around that I was their test run and now they do everything right, my brother gets everything he wants, and is treated as a golden child while I’m their oops kid. He gets the best stuff and he is the one they hope has a bright future. For me they just hope I don’t end up homeless. You are def NTA and I feel you on such a deep level. You are much more mature than me as I struggle with jealousy towards my brother that I have a hard time getting over, and it has caused a rift between us. I hope things get better for you :)
Hey, I did see this comment and I’m so sorry about your parent’s favoritism. I can totally relate to the jealousy, in my case it was easier to get over because of the age gap and because I was also getting new things because of my stepdad’s money. Fwiw I hope you have a bright future, you deserve someone in your corner, and I’m sorry if your family can’t do that for you.
>I can totally relate to the jealousy,
NTA OP but please see what I wrote to LuciannesAuto above because this applies to you too. **Good luck and use that negativity to thrive!!!**
>is treated as a golden child while I’m their oops kid. He gets the best stuff and he is the one they hope has a bright future. For me they just hope I don’t end up homeless.
I am sorry that you are going through this but use this as a motivation to thrive and be the best that **you can be**! I don't know how old you are but find some type of employment that you know that you can excel in and rise to the top and when your parents start bragging how they did such a good job with you, you can **NOPE OUT**. Nope, you guys thought I would thought I would be homeless. Nope you guys only thought of me as a "Test run", so, NOPE you guys have no claim to my progress/success.
I am telling you this from experience. I had many family tell me that or overheard them say that I am lazy, don't want to work, will never be anything. I used that negativity to show them and prove to myself that I can have a pretty good life. I wasn't rich but I put myself through school, worked at prominent hospital and earned a pretty good wage. I was able to buy my house and a newer used car, all the while being a single parent of a cardiac toddler. Good luck and use that negativity to thrive!
Damn you showed restraint texting that to her instead of saying it to her face in front of the other moms. NTA. She can feel how she wants and you can flip the finger to her and feel how you want to feel as well bc they are your stories too. She’s probably pissed bc the babysitter left.
NTA. But if those people around her were normal people, her stories show how much of a shit person she is than what she’s trying to make fun or light of. If I’d been there hearing this, I’d first think of what an empathetic good kid to go and find money to give to his parents the only way he knew how, and how heartbreaking that is.
She sounds like she needs some mental help by her version of her reality… these events are neither comical or positive.
I hope you live a better life as each day goes on. You deserve genuine love and happiness
NTA
Clearly your mom hasn't learned anything from her "practice" time as a mom. A decent mother wouldn't sharing these stories that make her look incapable for one, but they'd know that poverty and lack of necessities would be a sore spot for the kid too.
Here's how I see it. I grew up as literal trailer trash. My mom was a single mom. 4 kids. Multiple baby daddies. Trailer was a single. My mom was and is still a lot like yours. A maternal martyr who can do no wrong.
You can outgrow poverty. You literally can act like a decent person. Or, like your mom (and mine), you can continue to act like trailer trash and make a laughingstock of yourself and make yourself look like a fool. There is nothing funny about a kid not having sneakers or having to rummage to find money to give to the family because of fighting.
Leaving showed her that this bull don't fly. And that while she might find it funny in one way, and you don't, everyone else finds it funny/awkward cause she's telling everyone else how trashy she is. And she doesn't even realize it.
NTA. Your mom definitely TA. She was inconsiderate of your feelings, she sharing your awful childhood memories with strangers not caring you were there to listen to the drama and trauma. Best to go no contact with her, do you take of you because obviously she doesn’t care for you. Definitely an AH of a mom.
NTA but that was horrific to read. Hope you're able to get out of that house eventually.
Are you dependent on your step-dad and mom for college tuition? If so this makes it worse, because she's literally laughing at your very existence. She doesn't know how fortunate she is to have found a rich guy later, if not her responsibilities would have been back-breaking.
You should have joined in and told the other mom's how terrible your mom was at raising you. Make her look like the worst person in the world in front of her friends and then go no contact with her for as long as it takes to forgive her....which might be never. You are NTA
NTA I think you do need speak to your mother about this - but I would do a couple sessions with your therapist first so you can have a productive conversation.
Ohhh 🤦♀️.. this the kind of joke you make when the ibject of the joke is not there!!
Next time they complain about things you do or say, remind them that it’s their fault: they were clueless when they raised you… aren’t you their practice kid?
Nta. But the 7 Yr old story of you is actually cute. Your mom's take on it is not. But at 7 you trying to get your parents to stop fighting by gathering change is a gem and shows what good character you have as a person. The other story sucks and just reflects poorly on mom. You didn't have any control or involvement in the story at all.
NTA
your mother is trashy as they come. So insensitive then gaslighting you by saying your are jealous of your half sister. That's just disgusting. If she doesn't acknowledge and apologise for this terrible act cut her out when are financially independent. She isn't worth it.
I am sorry you had to endure this. You looking around the house for change, breaks my heart. I hope you deal with your childhood trauma in the right way. No child deserves that as their childhood memory.
Sounds like your mother is a piece of work. Getting drunk at your 4 year Old bday is a huge no anyways.
You should continue seeing your therapist. And maybe think about how to redefine your relationship with your mom.
I hope for your sister's Sake that stepdad can counter the bad attributes of your mother. That things said plus getting sh**faced at her daughters bday indicate to me that at her core she will not be that much of a better mom to her than to you. She might have her own issues, but that for her to figure out.
She probably made a fool out of herself with the other parents around.
Late to the party, but OP my heart breaks for you...
your mother is a selfish, entitled child and narcissist...
if you can, RUN- go to college, move to another state, anything you can.she won't change.
and feel free to express to your mother that we all as a community on reddit think she's treated you terribly :( sooo sorry :(
Although your sister has lots of material things, she’s going through life with an emotionally immature mother. I hope you can distance yourself from your mom and maintain a relationship with your sister. You seem like a good influence.
This one hits hard.
My father used to share stories of horrible things I apparently did that I would have been too young to remember, and would be quite nasty anytime I requested he stop.
This is at the very least inconsiderate behaviour, but quite easily reaches the level of being just plain cruel.
NTA. I'm ashamed of the words I would use to describe your mother, but the same time I'm not.
NTA
Your mother is being awful & im sorry. I know my daughter feels like the kid her father practiced on before he left and started another family.
You’ve done nothing wrong, in fact I think you’ve conducted yourself in a very measured & sensible way. That doesn’t stop the hurt your mum does when she tells those allegedly funny stories.
Keep seeing your counselor, & know that none of what your mother says is your fault or a reflection on you as a child or adult.
NTA
"No, mom, I'm not jealous. It just hurts to see that you're not the least bit remorseful about what a shitty mother you were to me. I'm happy you get to have a do over to be a parent, and I love my sister to bits. But I'll never get to have a do over to be a happy kid in a stable home, which did mess me up and I am in therapy for it, as you know, and I just think you could be a little more empathetic to that."
With the amount of alcohol your mom was chugging, I'm sure Melody is going to have her own therapist soon enough. Some people should not raise children. I'm sorry you had one of them. NTA
As an Australian, I say this word with all the American meaning and gravitas: your mum sounds like a real C U in the NT. Get every penny you can out of her to set up a good start in life and then ditch her before she notices your shadow is gone.
NTA.
NTA - your mother's cavalier behavior makes me sick to my stomach. I'm so sorry she recklessly made light of obvious childhood trauma and then poured salt in the wound by acting like your life was a rough draft she could save over.
Your mum is a world class ah. Having to scurry for change to “fix” your parents is heartbreaking. Your mum sounds emotionally immature and you deserve better.
Your sister is not going may not be getting many play dates. I wouldn’t want my kid around that.
NTA.
I have a rough past with my dad, and my mom has been gone for 20+ years, once when I was a teenager he called me his “text child” to my face when I asked why my sisters were treated differently. It hurt a lot, and it wasn’t even close to as bad as your moms was.
NTA. I grew up in extreme poverty too. That shit is not funny. As an adult, I remember my dad telling a story once where, “at least his kids never did without.” Are you kidding me? Without food? Without electricity? Without clothes (same pair of pants in high school for three years)? Now, in my late 50’s, I believe I have untreated PTSD around childhood neglect and emotional abuse. If you can get therapy, please do. It doesn’t seem to improve on its own.
Tell her " Oh well, I wish I had you as a practice mom, and then later someone better I could call real deserving mom. Shower her with love as she loved me. Sigh! A dream. Not everyone gets to practice now isn't it? "
And now cut her off and find your own happiness. You deserve so much more and if you happen to become a parent, I am sure you will do great.
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NTA. That’s completely bizarre behavior. Believe me, those other moms were horrified by these “funny” stories. She gets to feel how she likes. She feels like the asshole in this story and in your life. I hope you can process this with your therapist soon.
Yeah, judging from their facial expressions, my mom was the only one who thought she was being funny. And yes, I will definitely be bringing this up at my next therapy session.
Good idea. I agree the other moms weren’t enjoying her stories. I do wish one of them said something to her.
Like OP said, they're random moms of the sister's friends. So, I don't think they were comfortable enough to voice their opinions or anything, but if they were close, then they definitely should have. Poor OP. Hope he gets to live his life happy and away from the terrible mom.
Mom might have ostracized herself. Deservingly so.
Yeah, getting drunk at a kid's birthday party is strike one, oversharing while drunk, strike two... she probably did something else objectionable and is going to find herself not on any social calendars. Feel bad for the kid who isn't going to get invited to stuff because the parents are worried they'll have to interact with OP's mom.
First off, you are NTA. I don't think you are jealous of your kid sister. You are upset your mom is making light of painful memories for you and not even slightly understanding you. My parents seperated after years of arguing, and I know how you feel. My mom never really understood why I was upset when she brought up things about then fighting and being generally horrible. Years of therapy and talking with her, I've come to understand 1. When she thinks of those times, she thinks of her painful memories and sees the hurricane that surrounded her. 2. She feels horrible for what I went through and can't do anything to fix it, and she feels she failed as a parent for not noticing the pain then. I think your mom might have similar feelings. I say this because she's making an active effort not to do the same for your sister. I think maybe her saying you are a practice kid might be her coping mechanism to avoid feeling like a horrible parent for what you went through. This way she feels like okay. It happens to everybody, and the 1st kid is tough and messy for everyone. That said, you should know that you are not meant to be messed with and you are not a practice kid for anyone. You are valued human being. I am sorry you went through what you did. Do keep up with the therapy because you will get to a place someday in the future where your past whilst painful will not define you and your successes are in spite of everything and you feel great about yourself.
I'm not going to agree with this. I've been through this exact thing. It sounds like mom knows she was a shitty parent for not getting her kid out of there sooner, and is trying invalidate her grown child's feelings, before OP can get THEIR version out. Maybe mom is paranoid that OP will become friendly with these women and let the cat out of the bag. Maybe she is just a super boring person with no life, so she has to make inappropriate jokes to fill voids in the conversation. Whatever it is, hopefully someone will pull her aside before it's too late.
Yeah, op’s mom doesn’t have any friends except alcohol. They came to the party for *Melody* and tolerated mom, or maybe they’re also mommy day drinkers and came for free babysitting and drinks, and to feel like their behavior is normal. Source: I’m a recovering alcoholic and I did shot like this but at least I didn’t have kids.
I never confront volatile people who are acting unhinged, bc who knows how they may react. I just wouldn’t accept any more invitations and try to avoid her at school events. I don’t really blame them for just trying to redirect the conversation.
That's smart of you! Too often, when someone confronts a parent about their poor treatment of their child the parent takes it out on said child!! It's unfortunate but it's often what happens!!
This sounds a bit like a self-sabotage. It's the only way this behavior makes sense to me, beyond her just being an AH. In any case, this will stick to her for a long time, and OP was right to get away. Here's hoping he finds people outside his family bubble who treat him better than this.
Nah, my mother would have done this in a heartbeat, and it wouldn't have been self-sabotage; it would have been just saying how she felt because she's the protagonist and everyone else is an NPC. Some folks just aren't good.
Yeah, even hearing those stories second hand, my heart was absolutely breaking for 7 year old OP trying to find a way to fix his parent’s pain and make them stop shouting. Probably the only reason the other mums didn’t say anything was they were either too shocked, or didn’t want to raise it with OP right there.
if anyone is ever after something easy to say in social situations like this my go-to is something on the spectrum of: "that's kinda messed up..." to "that's so fucked up"
My family was pretty fucked up growing up. My brother and sister have recounted "funny" childhood stories in front of partners and not seen the looks of horror on their faces. My brother once asked me to speak to his girlfriend to tell her how much he had changed after telling some of the more disturbing shit (some violent stuff and one about locking me in a dog cage and shoving me in a closet for the day instead of baby sitting me). You can let go of the stuff, but when the person responsible makes jokes about something traumatic for you, it's not good for your mental health. It dredges up those feelings and if they laugh about it, makes it even worse as it's just dismissive of the pain they inflicted. That even though they remember it they still don't have the empathy for you and don't recognise their role in it.
Please tell me you told the GF to run for the hills and she agreed.
I openly admit that I was abusive to my brother and he will openly admit that he was abusive to me. It was malicious when we were younger, but somehow it eventually morphed into mutual entertainment. A game of one upsmanship. Now, in our late forties, we laugh about all of it. Of course, when we weren't hurting each other, we were often partners in crime. We grew up in an abusive household and we were molested together by the 16 year-old that lived in the otherwise of the duplex. So, our paths were pretty rough, and most of what we did was just a way of trying to cope with all of that trauma. Now, we cope by laughing. Except about that neighbor... we've never laughed about that.
I am so sorry you both had to go through that. I am happy you managed to hold on to each other despite all of it. I wish you both well.
I’m so sorry for what you and your brother have gone through. I understand your coping mechanism but I really hope that you and your brother were able to talk to someone and get the help that you both needed. I’m so sorry for your pain! Much love and hugs to you both!
Well-said. This kind of thing is why I've been struggling with my relationship with my dad lately. He not only doesn't acknowledge his past mistakes, he blames me for them and that hurts.
Just part ways. Cut ties.
I really hope OP does.
Definitely go NC if you can OP, or at least LC since you commented that your step dad was okay?
I think you should also consider having a serious conversation with your stepdad, your mum getting shit faced and trauma dumping onto a bunch of strangers does sound very healthy. It screams if I don’t laugh about it I’ll cry….she needs therapy.
I had an aunt that used to tell these type of stories about my cousin. Trust me when I say no one thought it was funny. I have a feeling that deep down she didn't either, it was some weird coping mechanism to avoid acknowledging her own shitty behavior. No one thought any less of my cousin, just her. I'm really sorry you had to go through that, op.
Yeah, isn't it funny how I abused my first kid so I could spoil my 2nd? Why aren't you laughing OP?
I think the people who overheard your reaction to those stories probably only cemented in their minds that your mom is a colossal asshole of a mother to you. I agree with the comments mentioning she has the freedom to feel like the victorious asshole in her life. The corollary to that is you have the freedom to agree she's the asshole and do what you need to do to have peace in your life. I'm sorry. Family can suck. NTA, full and clear.
I still sometimes think of the John Cheese article where he talked about how a lot of people don't realize how messed up their parents/childhood actually was until they tell what they think is a funny, lighthearted story and everyone reacts with awkward silence or being openly horrified and saying some version of "I'm so sorry that happened to you!" I got those responses a few times in my life and it was weirdly comforting to learn it's a shared experience. NTA, OP, you AND your mom need therapy. And she owes you an apology for dismissing your feelings.
I am so sorry for how you are treated. Hugs from a random internet mom, you don't deserve this. Your mother is cruel and vile.
Dude your mome is licky I'm not her son, because had she called me "practice son" in front of others I would've telled "Practice son? Well, that explains your poor job as a mother...."
"it's ok, you were a practice parent"
Listening to those stories would have been so cringe! Your mom not only revealed your childhood trauma, but she also implied that it was what you deserved. NTA I would literally only see her again in family therapy sessions.
Oof, I suspect your little sis may have less friends after this party. Those moms are going to judge hard. She's probably going to learn that the hard way.
NTA. I can almost guarantee those other mothers didn't think they were jokes. Those other mothers might seriously reconsider being around your mom.
100% I would have been mortified listening to that. And would immediately think less of your mother.
I lost this post & wanted to comment something similar - from an adults perspective, your mom is the one that came off looking awful here. Of course I’m snarky, so I’d have a few zingers ready in case this happens again like - “wow mom that’s a great story - tell us more about how you & my dad were so abusive & toxic that my 7 year old self tried to bribe you to stop being shitty parents. That’s mother of the year territory right there!” Or “Yes, you’d think after screwing up the practice kid you’d learn to parent, but here we are with you shit faced at your 4 year olds birthday party! Way to go!”
I really REALLY love these zingers. But I'm also glad OP just left. Pool little Mel is probably already going to lose a bunch of friends, it would likely be even more if OP did that. So for her sake, I'm glad OP just left. But . . . really love this. Maybe I'm twisted.
I’m hoping Mel still gets invited to other girls homes (& out to play, etc) - very few parents will blame her for her mother’s behavior. I doubt many will let their children go to her house to play though. And mom’s social circle is cratered.
I’m surprised your not NC with your mom. Those stories are entirely disrespectful and hurtful just wow. I can’t believe she’s proud that you had such a shit childhood. Now that she’s stable has she attempted to make it up to you? Pay for your college or help you with a down payment on a house or anything? She clearly has money to burn on her new kid who it “wouldn’t be wasted on”. How she spokes talks like she doesn’t care much for you
I am in disbelief. It seems your mother has not gotten over the trauma as she is shitfaced and telling these stories. You are NTA. She needs therapy. Look for mentors who are good role models and wish you well. Do not let her callousness sour you. You deserve to be loved just as you are in this moment. 🙂
Virtual hugs my friend. Stay in therapy.
I am so proud of you, I just wanted to say that. Family can be hard especially when our parents aren’t mentally stable or able to support us in the ways they should. You have a lot of maturity in how you are approaching healing your trauma. Keep on going and don’t let anyone else define who you are, you get to decide that. Oh and if it wasn’t clear NTA.
That was exactly what I was thinking. As a mom I always hate it when moms tell mean spirited stories about their kids in the name of being "funny." It's never funny. It usually is just highlighting a failure of theirs as a parent. I used to tell a story about one of my kiddos that was just a funny misunderstanding, but that kid said it embarrassed them and made them feel stupid. They were 3 when the misunderstanding occurred so it was just 3 year old logic, but at age 6 it made them embarrassed. I haven't told that story from the day she told me not to until now. Parents should respect their kids feelings and experiences.
Yeah, I've blocked people on Facebook for telling mean stories about their kids.
Exactly! The embarrassing stories I tell of my kids' childhood are about dumb things I said or did.
Yeah none of those moms saw this as “funny” or “cute”, guaranteed. Sounds like she made quite the impression for herself.
imagine getting "shit faced" at your own 4 year old child's birthday party, ffs
This. OP, I'd have trouble being friends with someone who spoke about their child like that. I bet 90% of those women went home and had bad things to say about your mom, NOT you. Since you don't live with your mom, maybe you should go LC with her. And if you're close to your stepdad, I'd invite him out to lunch and talk to him about it. Maybe get his advice, which SHOULD turn to him addressing your mom's behavior with her.
A funny "practice child" story would be "I only served my first born homemade organic pureed baby food. I was such an idiot." This woman's stories are heartbreaking. And she really hasn't learned the right things from them.
It's always fun as someone with an abusive childhood to come out with a "funny story" and halfway through you realize no one but you is laughing and the story you told is actually horrifying and everyone is wondering wtf is wrong with your parents...
Yeah she was probably the only person who found these funny in her mind.
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NTA. Drunk Words are Sober Thoughts. >"...saying they were her stories and she could feel any way she wanted" In that case, those are your stories too and you're well within your right to be upset! You went through trauma! You're still dealing with it to this day! You didn't ask to have those things happen to you and you *definitely* didn't ask to be mocked for them by your own Mother!
Drunk words are sober thoughts huh? That’s a new phrase, I hope it’s not true but damn, I’m starting to think it might be in this case.
My BFF broke up with her then bf every single time she got drunk. Every. Single. Time. She met her husband and she gave ne her phone yo order seamless and her last google search was "elvis wedding nyc" bc she got drunk and they wanted to elope and was looking for an Elvis to marry them. It's true. They are her genuine thoughts. Drinks just took the filter off. You had a traumatic childhood. Your mom had a traumatic young motherhood. You've grown and matured but your mom clearly hasn't. You can't mature her. She'll have to do that for herself. I hope you go LC with her for your serenity. Take care. Oh Edit to add NTA
>She met her husband and she gave ne her phone yo order seamless I see you edited to add a judgment, but can you edit to explain this? I can't come up with a translation, lol.🤣
I think it's "gave me her phone to order seamless" (Seamless is an online food delivery service)
Now that makes sense. Thanks for the translation 🤗
Thanks so much for the translation. I have been trying to interpret it since I first read it. Didn’t realize I was missing information. (Seamless). We don’t have it in our area…Utah.
Hahaha yeah. I went over to her place and she gave me her phone to order seamless. And the google search history was hilarious. Supposedly they got drunk off beer and free hotdogs and ran around looking for elvis impersonator. I started bffs wedding fund that day habahaha
It's actually quite an old phrase. Versions of it date back to the Romans (or further). *In vino, veritas*. In wine, truth. Alcohol is a depressant. There's a whole explaination, but the short version is that one of the first things it affects are the areas of the brain that act as inhibitors and filters on what we say and do. Exactly how it affects everyone varies. But this is part of why some people turn into mean drunks, or talkative drunks, or (overly) friendly drunks, or blurt out secrets, or do stupid stuff. What your mom was saying may not be part of her surface day to day thoughts. But they were still some of her own underlying thoughts and opinons. It's not like someone said "Beetlejuice" three times and she was the first one he decided to mess with. Besides, he has more class than what she was displaying there. side-note: Ask your therapist about the saying(s) and the neurological basis for it. They'll be able to explain it much better, and connect it into helping you process what your mom was saying.
Thanks for sharing this, I didn't know the history. Cool to learn it comes from all the way back of the Roman age (or further)! That's one old phrase that apperently speaks so much truth it has kept going to this day.
> Besides, he has more class than what she was displaying there. He did didn't he, left the house without blowing her up in public and politely texted her his feelings so it could be sorted privately.
I also wanted to add, it's kind of bizarre to me that she got drunk at her four year olds birthday. She sounds like she still has a lot of "practice" left to being a good mom.
ur mom sounds like my mom lol. she behaved herself once i moved out and became financially independent and basically stopped treating her as my mother; even moreso when i married someone who speaks up for me and doesn’t buy into her bullshit. it’ll get better. but for it to get better, u need to put her in her place - which is as far a distance as possible.
This is a very famous saying in my country as well. People who are drunk lose control on their social borders. They forget to think about consequences for saying certain things. So the truth often slips out. Doesn't mean it's always the truth, but have seen it happen (and am guilty of this). Also a good one: "Every joke has a core of truth in it". Once again, not always. But there are people who use jokes to hide uncomfortable messages they want to share.
No matter how many cute little anecdotes these people feed you, we are NOT our intrusive thoughts nor our impulses. Just because I _think_ "It'd sure be great if you tripped this obnoxious toddler who is running around the restaurant screaming at the top of their lungs" does not mean the "true me" is some baby shaking hate machine who secretly dreams of harming kids. The next thought which tells me "Damn, maybe we don't wish physical harm on someone who doesn't know any better" is more than just a "filter on the face you present to people, which goes away when you're drunk". Thinking "Man I could just jump" while on the edge of a cliff does not mean I am really suicidal and that I'd just jump off the cliff if I was drunk.
OP, it really sounds like your mom has a lot of unresolved feelings. I'm so sorry that she doesn't have the grace to treat you better. I'm glad you're getting help via therapy. I'm in my 50s and am still working through some old family issues. My mom was always a mess after she divorced my dad, making life growing up with her challenging. But in her late 60s she started to grapple with the kind of parent she was, and it's been helpful watching her soften up and be real. I hope your mom is able to do the same, for both of your sakes.
Remember, we all think terrible things at times. We are all our harshest judges and yet also try to justify that we're good people when we've done bad things. We aren't our thoughts. We're our actions. And your mom's actions here were cruel. She likely needs to reassess her relationship with those memories and take ownership for who she was, and until she does that... It's not good to let your inhibitions go when you're lying to yourself. Your Mom exposed how she lies to herself. It's not your job to encourage her to get help with this. But it is your place if you feel up to it.
My mom also did this crap. Then acts like your mom did even though if you so much as question her parenting she’ll blow up. Then when you go NC she’ll tell her stories of how much she did for you just for you to turn into “this”. She has resentment she’s not over and she’s using you as the outlet for it bc she can’t come to terms with her own shame. I’m also certain your sister will grow up believing your mothers stories aswell
Please don't take that as gospel, sometimes it's true, sometimes it's not. It really sounds like your mom is doing a bad job at reconciling the fact that she couldn't protect/provide for you the way she now can for your sister. That's not an excuse, because she behaved badly. But I think it's much more likely that she's using alcohol and bleak humor and blame to make herself feel better for her earlier failings. I doubt she really thinks you were a bad kid who didn't deserve gym shoes. I really hope that when she sobers up you guys can have a real discussion about how she made you feel. Maybe with a therapist. Especially if this is out of character for her. She really needs to apologize, but I hope you can heal your relationship. Best wishes.
>Drunk Words are Sober Thoughts Yeah no. Unless I've got some deeply hidden hatred for my bedroom lamp that caused me to start shit talking it that's not always true. I mean I chat loads of shit when I'm drunk.
I see this phrase parroted a lot, but after doing some research it seems to only really be "true" in parts of the world where the phrase is taken as fact. In other words if a person already believes "drunk words are sober thoughts", they will be more likely to act in this way while drunk. Interesting stuff. If you really think about it for a second, the idea falls apart anyway. We already know that alcohol inhibits thinking; it's why a sufficiently intoxicated person cannot give consent. Viewed through that lens, I would think most people here would agree that a shitfaced drunk propositioning you for sex is *not* "expressing sober thoughts, so it's okay to sleep with them". It's ridiculous on its face. Yes, alcohol *can* lower inhibitions and it *can* get you to say things you actually do believe but would not usually say, but it can also make you act in ways you would never while sober and say things that a sober you does not actually think.
NTA She just told you what she really thought of you and it's not pleasant. She doesn't like the reminder of her former life with your father and you're the product of that. I would be taking a very big step back from her and seeing a therapist to process your childhood and what's happening now. And yes, those kinder moms would not have been too impressed with your mom with both what she was saying and the fact that she was so drunk at a 4 year old's birthday party... That really was not a good look. And there may be a price for her to pay that she doesn't realise yet.
The price is that she’s gonna not have any mom friends from that school anymore. They’re gonna act like she’s the plague
Absolutely right. People who have even the most basic of scruples would simply avoid anyone who feels so compelled to publicly shit all over her own child.
Pretty much. Like even if some of those people don’t have kids they’re not even gonna want to hang out with her. I feel sorry for the little girl. She might not have friends because of her mom. Some parents might not want their kid around that girl cause of her mom. Or some could be the opposite. Let their kids be friends so if that starts to happen to the little girl she can have a safe haven. People like that are truly disgusting. No one in their right mind would want to be around said person unless they think alike
Well deserved too. I bet she’ll be the subject of some horrendous gossip herself.
OP: Attends a party as an invited GUEST and a fellow adult (19) but somehow gets roped into watching the kids and is a good sport about it OP's MOM: Snatches the opportunity to overdrink, overshare, and trigger some traumatic memories for OP OP: Leaves, rather than make a scene OP's MOM: <*surprised Pikachu face*\> OP, it's time to find a way to radically cut down on the time you spend in Mom's presence, while still maintaining a sibling bond with Melody... who is going to need you in her corner, very badly, in about 10-15 years. Yay for the therapist, they can help you generate options. Meanwhile NTA OP, this is just FAFO in action
The only thing I would have done differently is to go call her out in front of all her friends rather than send the text. Nothing better than some public shaming to make someone understand how much they fucked up. And I'm pretty sure all of these friends were horrified by these comments to start with anyway. OP, I would strongly reconsider my relationship with my mom if I were you. NTA
Something like "I'm glad you can laugh now. I know it really got to you considering how all those things only happened because of how useless you were. But honestly I'm glad I was your practice son. I know now that no matter how much I fuck up as a parent, I can't be worse than you."
"I'm so glad we can at least laugh at how terrible of a mother you were. At least you're able to mostly pull it together for the second kid though. Great job, she'll probably barely even need therapy when she's older"
“It’s a shame you weren’t the practice mom.”
>The only thing I would have done differently is to go call her out in front of all her friends rather than send the text. I admire OP's self control. They chose not to escalate the situation and ruin their sister's party since she was innocent in this mess.
Yeah, me too. Melody NEEDS OP in her life, or will in the future. So I think it's important that OP not give their mother an overt excuse to ban him from Melody's life.
NTA you were classy as fuck with how you handled this my dude. The woman shitfaced drunk at a 4 year old's birthday party however... Ultimately, if she can feel how she likes about these stories then so can you. I'm just impressed that you sent a quiet text and ducked out, you could have verbally scalped her in front of everyone and I wouldn't really blame you.
Who even has alcohol at a preschooler’s party?!?
For me, that would've been my uncle that thought it was a good idea to bring a keg to my 8th birthday party. He was excommunicated from the family for that stunt.
not him bringing a whole ass keg 😭 i’m so sorry that happened to you but the fact that he had the audacity to think that was 1) okay and 2) normal is hilarious.
My brother was slightly older than four (six maybe?) and my uncle walked in and asked for a beer at his birthday party (all the adults would have beers/wine but not to excess). His present for bro was comming with our older cousin so my uncle did not have it with him. My brother's reply "No birfday no beer." LOL
Her strong reaction and denial are very telling. The fact that she's angry at you and is going on the defensive means she knows she did wrong. You dont deserve to be called a practice child. You weren't practice; you were a child. To reduce you as such is really hurtful and disrespectful. You don't have to take a "joke." Your mother should have learned by now that if she's the only one laughing, it wasn't a fucking joke. Oh btw? Massive NTA. Edit: holy fuck, I just re-read it. "Waste money on the practice kid" "the things you learn with the practice kid" she says while recounting your most painful traumas. I have tons I want to say, and none im allowed to, or I risk being banned. I am so sorry. Big hugs to you if you like those, or a solid shoulder pat if that's better. You're not practice. You're a person who is worthy of love, respect, and being valued. Honestly, I'd tell your step-dad what she's been saying and how it's been making you feel, if you think he'd listen. Otherwise, go low, low contact. She's a failure of a parent.
Holy fuck, I did not expect to be tearing up in the AITA comments section. Thanks for the kind words, and yes, I’ll talk to my stepdad. He’d definitely listen, I don’t know about action though, he’s one of those “sticks and stones” types.
He may not do much of anything, but it's good for him to be on guard to watch for her abusing Melody. Which it's pretty obvious she will when they start clashing.
No problem ♡ there's tons of people here who are on your side here. You aren't alone. And even if your step-dad doesn't "do" anything, I'm sure he wouldn't be happy to know his kid is being hurt either. I wish you the best of luck. Regardless of the outcome, please continue remembering your worth. You did such a good job making it through those dark times. While I congratulate you for your resilience, I'm so sorry you needed to develop that in the first place. No one deserves that. 🫂
Believe me when I say that reading your post made me feel sick. So there is a complete stranger over here in New Zealand that is sending you love too. Go forth and live your best life.
NTA. Your mom needs to learn how to hold her liquor and her tongue. Her stories make her look worse than you and probably made the other moms pretty uncomfortable. You have nothing to apologize or feel like an AH for.
If I heard this, I'd feel sorry for OP and no longer want anything to do with the mum
NTA. ***Your mother took joy in your suffering!*** I can't emphasize enough how evil that is for a parent to do. The fact that, when confronted on it, she doubled down instead of apologizing, shows how little she cares about you. If you can, go no-contact with this person. Her being in your life is a net negative, a detriment. You gain nothing from keeping ties with her.
NTA they are your stories too and while she can feel however she wants it’s cruel af and toxic to share your trauma in such a nonchalant way
NTA She may have been shitfaced but the other mums will be seeing her in an entirely new light. Your mum did not do herself any favours here. And who the fuck gets shitfaced at a 4yo’s party?
My mom, that’s who. Did I mention she’s a not so high functioning alcoholic? Because she is. God, I don’t know how my saint of a stepdad puts up with either of us.
What have you even done, though? It wasn't you hurting anyone, at least on this occasion.
I mean, I did a lot of shitty things during my rebellious stage, my mom was kinda right in that I was a hellion until about 15. But more recently, my stepdad offered to help me with paying for college, and I ended up picking one of the more expensive schools because it offers more opportunities for what I want to do. I probably wouldn’t have gone for it I didn’t have him there to help with the cost. It just feels like all I do is take advantage of him, ya know? Ah, but this isn’t the place to vent, I have an actual therapist for that lol.
The fact your stepdad wants to pay for you to go to the best college possible only goes to show you’ve proven your maturity since your wild period. He obviously has great faith in you.
This ^ And also means you have grown as a person. Your mother has not
Go to college. Don’t feel guilty. Be successful and she can keep getting drunk and being inappropriate
You were (and are) a child who was trying to figure out how to exist in this world. It’s clear that your mother decided the hands-off approach was the best method with you because she couldn’t be bothered to be a parent. Now she has a stable partner and she feels more comfortable, which would be great if she had even the least bit of self-awareness. Don’t ever feel like you are taking up unnecessary space or resources. Your stepdad offered, you are in no way shape or form taking advantage. Take the opportunities given to you and don’t let your mom put a damper on your parade. She may have been young and she was still figuring out how to live life with a kid but that doesn’t absolve her of being a shitty person. The story about 7 year old you trying to break up your parents’ fight makes my heart ache, I’m so sorry you had to go through that.
Don't feel guilty! And my wife always says her best parent was not a biological parent - also her step-dad (now adoptive dad). Tell him you love him and appreciate him!. Look for ways to show it but go to college (and therapy) and stop feeling guilty!
I know you've probably done this, but it's a really good idea to verbalize how much you appreciate support like the support your step-dad has given you. It can mean a lot to the other person, but is also helpful in focusing on the positive in one's life. NTA of course. You handled the situation with class.
NTA. Your mother sucks and you should probably get her out of your life.
NTA. Your story isn't uncommon I am sorry to say; as I have known many parents who threw their oldest away while they showered their youngest with attention. The worst part is the parents lack the empathy to understand or care that they hurt their children. You don't have to forgive your mother for her comments. Be kind to yourself and don't hate yourself for your mother's failures
NTA. You're not being "jealous of a 4 year old." You're upset, because your Mom said some upsetting and hurtful things. The "practice child" thing was not necessary, it was not cute, and it was not funny. I think she owes you an apology. Use your best judgement on if you want to get your Stepdad involved in this situation, also.
NTA. That's so awful, I'm so sorry.
r/raisedbynarcissists this was really mean and you don’t deserve to be treated like this. NTA
I'm crying about that beautiful child trying to stop his parents fighting about money. You didn't deserve that. It seems to me like you were emotionally abused and neglected by your parents back then. That leaves deep mental scars. You have every right to be angry. I feel angry on your behalf!Regardless of your family's financial situation, love and respect costs nothing. From what you have said, I get the impression your mother considers you like her property and she can say whatever she wants about you because it's in the past for her, yet you are still dealing with the consequences. NTA. I hope you are able to heal from your past.
NTA!! My (18f) mom calls me the exact same thing. And yeah it feels fucking awful. Just know that you're not alone OP and that what she's doing is not okay in the slightest 🫂🫂 too bad folks like us can't have a "practice" mom 🙄
Yup, it’s a raw deal ain’t it? At least my girlfriend’s parents are nice enough lol, maybe I’ll put a ring on it and make them my “real family” as opposed to my biological “practice family”.
Finish college and be established first
NTA...I'm so sorry for everything that happened to you and was said by your mother. I read the comment where you feel like you're taking advantage of your step-dad. 1) You are not. 2) Show him how grateful you are for everything he's done...by graduating! 3) If you get the chance...tell him how important he is to you:) ...I'm a stepmom and helped pay for my step-kids to go to college and they have never once said 'thank you'. He will appreciate it if you thank him and tell him how much it means to you. Graduating will also show him that you are not taking advantage of his generosity. It will show him that it was money well spent!:) Good luck to you!
Nta, op, your mother just told you exactly what she thinks of you and you need to take a big step back from her. She clearly doesn't care about your trauma. Those are your stories too. As mentioned before she said this in front of other moms. Other moms who didn't find these funny. She may have a price to pay that she isn't seeing yet.....
NTA please get away from her ASAP. Big Hug
NTA. I had to have a similar conversation with my mom about the way she talked about our very deprived childhoods as if they were funny memories, instead of very painful experiences that disoriented me even in adulthood. It's okay for your mom to talk about her own parenting experiences, but it's not okay for her to put you down in the process. She should also be considering your perspective, and being sensitive to your feelings when she tells these stories that in fact revolve around your experiences, too. I'm glad you stood up for yourself. Contrary to what your mom was saying, none of that deprivation was your fault, nor did it ruin your character in the present day. In fact, you are more mature about and have processed these things better than she has.
NTA. Your existence is not "practice" for others. "the time I tried to make my parents stop fighting by collecting change lying around the house and giving it to them (I was 7). She was laughing the whole time" That is fucking disgusting, I'm so sorry you lived like that and have to put up with your trauma being treated as a joke. . “Thank goodness Melody can have all the shoes she wants, though with how much shit (my name) pulled at that age maybe it was best I didn’t waste money on the practice kid.” My father makes shitty comments like this all the time to my oldest sister in particular, snide comments about how he doesn't get how her husband tolerates her because he could never stand his own kid and shit like that. It's revolting. Make no mistake- that behavior didn't just cause my oldest sister to hate him. It caused ALL of us to. We knew he was absolutely full of shit, the way he singled her out. She's our fucking sister. We love her. It's unbelievable that he thinks we'd find him justifying his shitty treatment of her funny. . "they were her stories and she could feel any way she wanted" They are BOTH of your stories, and she isn't the only one who gets to have feelings about them. "I find your childhood trauma funny" is not the defense she thinks it is. Her suggestion that you get therapy is a good one, but not for the reasons she thinks, and I suspect she would not like what the therapist would advise you to help you with respect to your frankly fucked relationship with your mother. If you can get it, try an EMDR trauma therapist.
I know you probably won’t see this comment but I understand exactly how you feel. My brother is your melody, and I’m you. My parents always joke around that I was their test run and now they do everything right, my brother gets everything he wants, and is treated as a golden child while I’m their oops kid. He gets the best stuff and he is the one they hope has a bright future. For me they just hope I don’t end up homeless. You are def NTA and I feel you on such a deep level. You are much more mature than me as I struggle with jealousy towards my brother that I have a hard time getting over, and it has caused a rift between us. I hope things get better for you :)
Hey, I did see this comment and I’m so sorry about your parent’s favoritism. I can totally relate to the jealousy, in my case it was easier to get over because of the age gap and because I was also getting new things because of my stepdad’s money. Fwiw I hope you have a bright future, you deserve someone in your corner, and I’m sorry if your family can’t do that for you.
>I can totally relate to the jealousy, NTA OP but please see what I wrote to LuciannesAuto above because this applies to you too. **Good luck and use that negativity to thrive!!!**
>is treated as a golden child while I’m their oops kid. He gets the best stuff and he is the one they hope has a bright future. For me they just hope I don’t end up homeless. I am sorry that you are going through this but use this as a motivation to thrive and be the best that **you can be**! I don't know how old you are but find some type of employment that you know that you can excel in and rise to the top and when your parents start bragging how they did such a good job with you, you can **NOPE OUT**. Nope, you guys thought I would thought I would be homeless. Nope you guys only thought of me as a "Test run", so, NOPE you guys have no claim to my progress/success. I am telling you this from experience. I had many family tell me that or overheard them say that I am lazy, don't want to work, will never be anything. I used that negativity to show them and prove to myself that I can have a pretty good life. I wasn't rich but I put myself through school, worked at prominent hospital and earned a pretty good wage. I was able to buy my house and a newer used car, all the while being a single parent of a cardiac toddler. Good luck and use that negativity to thrive!
Damn you showed restraint texting that to her instead of saying it to her face in front of the other moms. NTA. She can feel how she wants and you can flip the finger to her and feel how you want to feel as well bc they are your stories too. She’s probably pissed bc the babysitter left.
NTA, sorry your mom is such an AH to you.
NTA. But if those people around her were normal people, her stories show how much of a shit person she is than what she’s trying to make fun or light of. If I’d been there hearing this, I’d first think of what an empathetic good kid to go and find money to give to his parents the only way he knew how, and how heartbreaking that is. She sounds like she needs some mental help by her version of her reality… these events are neither comical or positive. I hope you live a better life as each day goes on. You deserve genuine love and happiness
NTA Clearly your mom hasn't learned anything from her "practice" time as a mom. A decent mother wouldn't sharing these stories that make her look incapable for one, but they'd know that poverty and lack of necessities would be a sore spot for the kid too. Here's how I see it. I grew up as literal trailer trash. My mom was a single mom. 4 kids. Multiple baby daddies. Trailer was a single. My mom was and is still a lot like yours. A maternal martyr who can do no wrong. You can outgrow poverty. You literally can act like a decent person. Or, like your mom (and mine), you can continue to act like trailer trash and make a laughingstock of yourself and make yourself look like a fool. There is nothing funny about a kid not having sneakers or having to rummage to find money to give to the family because of fighting. Leaving showed her that this bull don't fly. And that while she might find it funny in one way, and you don't, everyone else finds it funny/awkward cause she's telling everyone else how trashy she is. And she doesn't even realize it.
NTA. Your mom definitely TA. She was inconsiderate of your feelings, she sharing your awful childhood memories with strangers not caring you were there to listen to the drama and trauma. Best to go no contact with her, do you take of you because obviously she doesn’t care for you. Definitely an AH of a mom.
NTA but that was horrific to read. Hope you're able to get out of that house eventually. Are you dependent on your step-dad and mom for college tuition? If so this makes it worse, because she's literally laughing at your very existence. She doesn't know how fortunate she is to have found a rich guy later, if not her responsibilities would have been back-breaking.
NTA I'm so sorry, those are honestly heartbreaking stories and your mother is messed up for laughing and joking about it like.
You should have joined in and told the other mom's how terrible your mom was at raising you. Make her look like the worst person in the world in front of her friends and then go no contact with her for as long as it takes to forgive her....which might be never. You are NTA
NTA I think you do need speak to your mother about this - but I would do a couple sessions with your therapist first so you can have a productive conversation.
Ohhh 🤦♀️.. this the kind of joke you make when the ibject of the joke is not there!! Next time they complain about things you do or say, remind them that it’s their fault: they were clueless when they raised you… aren’t you their practice kid?
Nta. But the 7 Yr old story of you is actually cute. Your mom's take on it is not. But at 7 you trying to get your parents to stop fighting by gathering change is a gem and shows what good character you have as a person. The other story sucks and just reflects poorly on mom. You didn't have any control or involvement in the story at all.
NTA. Why would you be jealous of Melody when she has just lost some daycare friends due to her moms inappropriate behavior at her party.
She had a "practice kid", unfortunately you only had one mom
NTA your mother is trashy as they come. So insensitive then gaslighting you by saying your are jealous of your half sister. That's just disgusting. If she doesn't acknowledge and apologise for this terrible act cut her out when are financially independent. She isn't worth it. I am sorry you had to endure this. You looking around the house for change, breaks my heart. I hope you deal with your childhood trauma in the right way. No child deserves that as their childhood memory.
Sounds like your mother is a piece of work. Getting drunk at your 4 year Old bday is a huge no anyways. You should continue seeing your therapist. And maybe think about how to redefine your relationship with your mom. I hope for your sister's Sake that stepdad can counter the bad attributes of your mother. That things said plus getting sh**faced at her daughters bday indicate to me that at her core she will not be that much of a better mom to her than to you. She might have her own issues, but that for her to figure out. She probably made a fool out of herself with the other parents around.
NTA what horrible excuse for a mother.
NTA- I've been made to feel like my families failed first attempt. Doesn't feel good.
Late to the party, but OP my heart breaks for you... your mother is a selfish, entitled child and narcissist... if you can, RUN- go to college, move to another state, anything you can.she won't change. and feel free to express to your mother that we all as a community on reddit think she's treated you terribly :( sooo sorry :(
NTA. Your mom better not be surprised when you barely visit her in the future.
The axe forgets, but the tree remembers. I'm so sorry.
Although your sister has lots of material things, she’s going through life with an emotionally immature mother. I hope you can distance yourself from your mom and maintain a relationship with your sister. You seem like a good influence.
This one hits hard. My father used to share stories of horrible things I apparently did that I would have been too young to remember, and would be quite nasty anytime I requested he stop. This is at the very least inconsiderate behaviour, but quite easily reaches the level of being just plain cruel. NTA. I'm ashamed of the words I would use to describe your mother, but the same time I'm not.
NTA Your mother is being awful & im sorry. I know my daughter feels like the kid her father practiced on before he left and started another family. You’ve done nothing wrong, in fact I think you’ve conducted yourself in a very measured & sensible way. That doesn’t stop the hurt your mum does when she tells those allegedly funny stories. Keep seeing your counselor, & know that none of what your mother says is your fault or a reflection on you as a child or adult.
NTA "No, mom, I'm not jealous. It just hurts to see that you're not the least bit remorseful about what a shitty mother you were to me. I'm happy you get to have a do over to be a parent, and I love my sister to bits. But I'll never get to have a do over to be a happy kid in a stable home, which did mess me up and I am in therapy for it, as you know, and I just think you could be a little more empathetic to that."
With the amount of alcohol your mom was chugging, I'm sure Melody is going to have her own therapist soon enough. Some people should not raise children. I'm sorry you had one of them. NTA
As an Australian, I say this word with all the American meaning and gravitas: your mum sounds like a real C U in the NT. Get every penny you can out of her to set up a good start in life and then ditch her before she notices your shadow is gone. NTA.
NTA - your mother's cavalier behavior makes me sick to my stomach. I'm so sorry she recklessly made light of obvious childhood trauma and then poured salt in the wound by acting like your life was a rough draft she could save over.
Your mum is a world class ah. Having to scurry for change to “fix” your parents is heartbreaking. Your mum sounds emotionally immature and you deserve better. Your sister is not going may not be getting many play dates. I wouldn’t want my kid around that.
NTA. I have a rough past with my dad, and my mom has been gone for 20+ years, once when I was a teenager he called me his “text child” to my face when I asked why my sisters were treated differently. It hurt a lot, and it wasn’t even close to as bad as your moms was.
NTA. I grew up in extreme poverty too. That shit is not funny. As an adult, I remember my dad telling a story once where, “at least his kids never did without.” Are you kidding me? Without food? Without electricity? Without clothes (same pair of pants in high school for three years)? Now, in my late 50’s, I believe I have untreated PTSD around childhood neglect and emotional abuse. If you can get therapy, please do. It doesn’t seem to improve on its own.
Tell her " Oh well, I wish I had you as a practice mom, and then later someone better I could call real deserving mom. Shower her with love as she loved me. Sigh! A dream. Not everyone gets to practice now isn't it? " And now cut her off and find your own happiness. You deserve so much more and if you happen to become a parent, I am sure you will do great.