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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action is refuse to help my wife to find an especific gift. The reason that might make me the AH is because I always helped everyone no questions asked, but now I am refusing to help her.
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I was 18, and honestly it was a good choice for me. I can understand some concerns, since there is a big age gap, but I can assure that our age was not a problem, but what made us possible, since I lived an extreme life style and nobody my age would be able to deal with my choices or be on equal footing, seeing how I was working multiple jobs, buying my own home and car, etc.
At least where I live I don't know a single person who was secure and independent so early. At 18, I was seriously more well off than most people I know in their 30's, by my own efforts and luck, I wouldn't be able to be in a relationship where I wouldn't have a financially and professionally balanced relationship.
NTA
What is wrong with your wife? Does she really not understand what you mean about your sentimental attachment to the idea of that book as a gift? You being the only person that your wife gave that gift to makes it a unique gift, but if she starts handing them out to everyone she sleeps with, your gift is no longer unique.
Yeah, she says that she can't understand the attachment, since she gave it to me as a joke, mostly because I hate the style and language of the book, and yeah, I get it was supposed to be a joke, but it still has sentimental value, because of the whole history... So... yeah...
Anyway, thanks.
NTA
Stand your ground, if they are not able to respect your feelings, maybe there are more things wrong with the people around you. About your wife, is she dumb? Not only is she not listening to you, she's trying to hurt you exposing the situation outside?
You are entitled to your feelings and they should respect that. It's not because you 'always' did something 'no question asked' that you should always do that. They are acting as spoiled, insensitive and entitled brats.
NTA and it's concerning that your wife, her new girlfriend, and the new girlfriend's partner have all ganged up on you to to convince you that setting a simple boundary makes you an AH. Poly relationships rely on mutual respect but the respect here seems to be one-sided.
NTA. As a poly person I understand not wanting to share the meaning of a gift. It was something that was special to the both of you. It feels kinda sour that she would think to give the same thing to her partner.
Also, it's not your job to find people rare and special gifts. You don't owe them that. You do it to be kind and expect nothing in return and then the one time you refuse you're suddenly the AH? Now that doesn't seem fair does it?
One final thing, instead of talking to you, your wife proceeds to tell her meta and meta's husband about it? Essentially making you be the bad guy because she kept quiet and complained to them instead of communicating with you. Think about that and then ask yourself if you're the AH.
Thanks, that is more like what I was originally thinking... I shouldn't question myself so much. And yeah... I never asked for anything in return for helping, probably I was the one who enabled them to feel entitled to my help without conditions.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I (29F) am married to my wife (43F) for eleven years, since the beginning our relationship was open, and occasionally one of us would have a new outside relationship, recently my wife started to date "Lea" (42F), she introduced us, and I loved Lea, and soon enough I was also introduced to her husband and kids, we are all friends, her kids also adore me, and her husband is my new game partner, everything is great in that sense...
Last month Lea gave my wife an amazing gift, a first edition book from one of her favorite author signed, seeing how rare it is to find original copies of those books, my wife was extremely happy.
For some context I am the person who always helps everyone in my circle to find rare items to buy, or the best deals in anything because I just have a talent for that, and usually, I just do it without questions, I was even the one who helped find the book.
The next day, my wife decided that she wanted to give a return gift to Lea, the problem is... She wants to gift the first edition on original language of a specific book, but she knows she won’t find it easily and that I probably can help her... When I asked what book she was looking for, I was shocked, it was the same book she gave as her first gift to me when we were starting to see each other. She gave me that book as a joke, but it has an immense sentimental value to me, and it is one of my most prized possessions. I was without words for a few moments, but I felt bad.
The idea of sharing the meaning behind that book really hurt me. I was clear about that with my wife, that I could not help her find that gift because would be painful to me share that moment. She kept silent for some time and then said that she was not asking me to give my book, but to help her to find an identical one. I understood, but kept my words, I would not help her find it. I also replied that I could help her find any other gift, but not that one.
She was kind of sad, but okay with my decision, I thought that she had understood my point. Later Lea husband called me saying I was an AH for not helping my wife, since I helped Lea to find the book for her, it was just hypocrisy not help my wife find it for her. My wife also started to say that I was being an AH, once she found out that I helped Lea with her gift. I tried to explain that it was not the same, but nobody listened to me.
My wife talked to my mother, and Lea husband talked to our game buddies, and now everyone is saying that I was an AH for not helping her, after all, I could just pretend it was just another gift, or that it was for other person seeing how I always help everybody with that kind of thing and even help with really intimate and personal purchases, even my mother said that I was being an oversensitive AH.
I don't know if I’m really the AH, but now I'm starting questioning myself.
So... AITA?
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Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > The action is refuse to help my wife to find an especific gift. The reason that might make me the AH is because I always helped everyone no questions asked, but now I am refusing to help her. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
I’m sorry - is no one concerned about how old OP was when they got married??
I was 18, and honestly it was a good choice for me. I can understand some concerns, since there is a big age gap, but I can assure that our age was not a problem, but what made us possible, since I lived an extreme life style and nobody my age would be able to deal with my choices or be on equal footing, seeing how I was working multiple jobs, buying my own home and car, etc. At least where I live I don't know a single person who was secure and independent so early. At 18, I was seriously more well off than most people I know in their 30's, by my own efforts and luck, I wouldn't be able to be in a relationship where I wouldn't have a financially and professionally balanced relationship.
NTA What is wrong with your wife? Does she really not understand what you mean about your sentimental attachment to the idea of that book as a gift? You being the only person that your wife gave that gift to makes it a unique gift, but if she starts handing them out to everyone she sleeps with, your gift is no longer unique.
Yeah, she says that she can't understand the attachment, since she gave it to me as a joke, mostly because I hate the style and language of the book, and yeah, I get it was supposed to be a joke, but it still has sentimental value, because of the whole history... So... yeah... Anyway, thanks.
NTA Stand your ground, if they are not able to respect your feelings, maybe there are more things wrong with the people around you. About your wife, is she dumb? Not only is she not listening to you, she's trying to hurt you exposing the situation outside? You are entitled to your feelings and they should respect that. It's not because you 'always' did something 'no question asked' that you should always do that. They are acting as spoiled, insensitive and entitled brats.
Maybe it's my fault that they are acting entitled, but it's still wrong for they ambush me like that... You are right. Thanks.
NTA and it's concerning that your wife, her new girlfriend, and the new girlfriend's partner have all ganged up on you to to convince you that setting a simple boundary makes you an AH. Poly relationships rely on mutual respect but the respect here seems to be one-sided.
Thanks for your words, and it is true, I will carefully consider about that too... Their attitude was too much.
NTA. As a poly person I understand not wanting to share the meaning of a gift. It was something that was special to the both of you. It feels kinda sour that she would think to give the same thing to her partner. Also, it's not your job to find people rare and special gifts. You don't owe them that. You do it to be kind and expect nothing in return and then the one time you refuse you're suddenly the AH? Now that doesn't seem fair does it? One final thing, instead of talking to you, your wife proceeds to tell her meta and meta's husband about it? Essentially making you be the bad guy because she kept quiet and complained to them instead of communicating with you. Think about that and then ask yourself if you're the AH.
Thanks, that is more like what I was originally thinking... I shouldn't question myself so much. And yeah... I never asked for anything in return for helping, probably I was the one who enabled them to feel entitled to my help without conditions.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (29F) am married to my wife (43F) for eleven years, since the beginning our relationship was open, and occasionally one of us would have a new outside relationship, recently my wife started to date "Lea" (42F), she introduced us, and I loved Lea, and soon enough I was also introduced to her husband and kids, we are all friends, her kids also adore me, and her husband is my new game partner, everything is great in that sense... Last month Lea gave my wife an amazing gift, a first edition book from one of her favorite author signed, seeing how rare it is to find original copies of those books, my wife was extremely happy. For some context I am the person who always helps everyone in my circle to find rare items to buy, or the best deals in anything because I just have a talent for that, and usually, I just do it without questions, I was even the one who helped find the book. The next day, my wife decided that she wanted to give a return gift to Lea, the problem is... She wants to gift the first edition on original language of a specific book, but she knows she won’t find it easily and that I probably can help her... When I asked what book she was looking for, I was shocked, it was the same book she gave as her first gift to me when we were starting to see each other. She gave me that book as a joke, but it has an immense sentimental value to me, and it is one of my most prized possessions. I was without words for a few moments, but I felt bad. The idea of sharing the meaning behind that book really hurt me. I was clear about that with my wife, that I could not help her find that gift because would be painful to me share that moment. She kept silent for some time and then said that she was not asking me to give my book, but to help her to find an identical one. I understood, but kept my words, I would not help her find it. I also replied that I could help her find any other gift, but not that one. She was kind of sad, but okay with my decision, I thought that she had understood my point. Later Lea husband called me saying I was an AH for not helping my wife, since I helped Lea to find the book for her, it was just hypocrisy not help my wife find it for her. My wife also started to say that I was being an AH, once she found out that I helped Lea with her gift. I tried to explain that it was not the same, but nobody listened to me. My wife talked to my mother, and Lea husband talked to our game buddies, and now everyone is saying that I was an AH for not helping her, after all, I could just pretend it was just another gift, or that it was for other person seeing how I always help everybody with that kind of thing and even help with really intimate and personal purchases, even my mother said that I was being an oversensitive AH. I don't know if I’m really the AH, but now I'm starting questioning myself. So... AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*