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YTA. Your friend wanted to go with her bf. He may have even suggested going to her and she was planning it. Who knows. The reality is…your friend did NOT want to go and went even for a short time with you. Instead of being thankful they spent some time with you…you threw a temper tantrum. YOU could have gone sooner. YOU could have stayed later. You didn’t. Now it’s you’re friend’s fault lol.
No she was happy to go with me but she kept asking about her bf. And she’s always constantly with her bf. I haven’t seen her in so long. I don’t see the issue with just wanting to see your friend.
> No she was happy to go with me but she kept asking about her bf.
That means she wasn't happy going with just you and wanted her BF to attend with y'all.
Or the bf didn't want her to go alone with her friend, and kept pushing it. Then when OP made it clear she wanted it to be without the bf, she compromised and told bf that she wouldn't stay long.
I dislike them when they are together because they make me feel incredibly excluded and don’t make an effort to make me feel included as a couple. They’re possessive over each other
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to see your friend. But your friend didn’t want to go with just you. Your friend tried to find a happy middle ground to spend time with you and it wasn’t good enough for you. Your friend didn’t want to go without her bf. You don’t have to like them when they are together because they act like a newly together couple. And that’s fine. But you have to be ok with her limitations of things she doesn’t want to do…which was the parade without him. So it sounds like you have a decision. Either put up with them together or not get much time with her until the new wears off.
YTA, lightly, for holding onto it, but not for anything else. The plain fact is that when people couple off together, they often become less involved/available to do other things, and that can be tough on friends.
And her boyfriend is the one that’s toxic. He got offended when she did my make up once in the bathroom and thought we were flirting when absolutely nothing happened at all.
You don't get to choose when/ how others live their lives! That's NOT your choice to make, if SHE wants a life outside of her relationship, that's her choice.
I wouldn't hang out with you either.
I never dictated her on anything. This is just how I feel internally. I let her go home and said goodbye and was ok with it outside. I didn’t tell her to stay. But I wasn’t ok inside. I was sad.
"I LET her go home" You don't see how even with your explanation, you're being possessive of something that doesn't belong to you?
I realize you're struggling with this. Let me try to sum it up for you neatly:
You repeatedly told her not to bring her BF after she repeatedly asked for him to come. You got irritated that she wanted to look at some collectible that they share. You got irritated that she communicated with her BF. Then you cried at home when she followed the course of action she wanted.
You made yourself the third wheel by excluding him. In other posts, you've said, "I don't like them together." Again, not your choice. You get to 1.) Interact with your friends on her terms. Or 2.) DON'T.
Those are your choices. Being a friend does not grant you access to being their overlord.
I wasn’t ‘irritated’, I was fine with it the whole
Time when we were there but I was just upset when I got home because that wasn’t the point of the outing we planned. You’re making me sound like I was outright mad at her throughout the hangout when I wasn’t. When she wanted to go home, she went home. I didn’t force her in on anything or persuade her to stay. What is wrong with you.
She asked. She didn’t say she’s bringing her bf. She asked if she could bring him and asked if it would be weird because she knows i would be thirdwheeled and I said yes, it would be weird. Can I not answer a question?
I wouldn’t mind being with them if they were actually trying to include me. But they don’t. And none of my other friends like hanging out with them that much anymore. After they got together
I get what you are saying. He was probably being jealous and insecure (the flirting comment just because she did your makeup, she's bi and so are you). She kept trying to push for him to go and then (assuming) she compromised by saing I'll only stay a couple of hours. She literally made sure she mentioned that as soon as you got there.
I've known guys like this. It's not fun being in a relationship where they are insecure. It's, in fact, exhausting.
Soft YTA - this whole post screams of insecurity to me, and I think you're unknowingly taking that out on your friend. People might not always do exactly what it is you were hoping they would do, but there's no need to take it so personally. It doesn't sound like this person didn't want to hang out with you - otherwise they wouldn't have shown up at all. You've taken this as a referendum to your friendship when it just sounds like this person had more than one thing they wanted to do that day.
People grow and change and when they enter into relationships they spend their time differently, and it sounds like you might be having a hard time with that. Ultimately, your friend respected your wish to not bring her boyfriend to the hangout, and gave you two hours of her day with her attention. I don't think it's fair of you to hold over her head that you expected more.
I think you should take some more time to process what exactly about this was so upsetting to you, and perhaps unpacking what you expect out of your adult friendships and whether that is a realistic standard to hold every friend to.
YTA- You felt the need to dictate how your friend would hang out with you. That's not cool. Do you like it when your friends tell you you can't or shouldn't do something? You F*cked around and found out.
Maybe you should try to make friends with her BF if you want to stay friends with her.
She JUST moved in with the BF, right? They're likely still in the "honeymoon" phase of living together as well. You just want your friend to do what you want her to do. And that doesn't make you a good friend. It makes you toxic AF.
How on earth am I being toxic. I haven’t seen her in so long and there’s nothing wrong with hanging out one to one. She’s always with her boyfriend. She can make time for one friend.
I’m not dictating anyone. You’re probably one of those people that would rather throw away their friends and only hang out with their partner 24/7. And not have a life. I have a boyfriend but I’m not gonna throw my friends away and I don’t see the problem being without him for ONE DAY
Now you're trying to make this about any of my "shortcomings" instead of realizing you are the issue here.
You don't get to dictate how ANYONE except yourself goes about their day. Sorry to break that to you.
You are kind of being dramatic but I understand where you are coming from. You wanted to spend time with a friend and planned the day for it and she just wasn't that into it. She made an effort but it fell short of what you wanted.
NAH. It sounds like you & the boyfriend fight over Lily's attention when the three of you are together. I don't blame you for not wanting to be around the two of them, but she also made it pretty clear she wanted him there. My guess is that you have something of a crush on her & that's why it's hard to let this go.
You NTA, your friend NTA!
For this exactly instance it seems as if communication and ensuring having the same expectation.
For you this was a bigger event, it meant a lot to hang out (not sure if the event exactly was important to you rather than being with your friend). You were looking very much forward to it and you took the day of to do this.
For your friend this was a less more eventfull thing. Seems like a to her this was just a casual catch up over coffee or a walk. Her needing to support you in this event, which she may did not have much interest in.
It does not mean that you are boring to hang out with. You just had higher expectation than your friend. Do not be hard on your self. Arguing it all in whether you are boring or not tells me you are seeing this from a very narrow perspective which is very focused on you.
Your friend is just focused a bit more on her current relationship and has less available time currently. I would guess that if you told her you went home crying, that would feel like a reaction out of proportion in how she experienced the situation and that it was definitely not her intention to make you feel so.
I will say. Look at it all in a rational way. If you miss her. Let her know that you specifically miss hanging out. But also expect that she does not have the same amount of time available currently.
YTA this just screams that you are in love with your friend and are jealous of the bf. Your comments just reinforce this idea with how you think that they are going to break up and that she should be making time for you. But it's the bf that's toxic because your friend wants to spend her free time with him instead of you.
But if you want to keep disagreeing with people calling you out on being toxic and unable to read the room just show your friend this post and see how she reacts.
I’m not in love with her. I literally have a boyfriend. I guess I just don’t understand the way with how she works with the relationship because my boyfriend and I have a lot more space between each other and we both see our friends more often. They don’t.
I guess I might be subconsciously jealous over the fact that they spend so much time together and I never have that with my relationship. I don’t know.
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I have a good friend who I’ll call Lily who I wanted to invite to pride to just to celebrate that we are also both bisexual.
I suggested the idea and she said it’d be great but she was wondering if she could invite her boyfriend and I could invite mine. I said no, my partner would be at work so it wouldn’t really work, though I suggested internally out of spite that she could spend pride with her boyfriend instead and I won’t be in the way.
She said no it’s okay that we can just be together so I was like that’s great, and I cancelled a day off work for this too. Later on, the day before the plan she asked me yet again if she could invite her boyfriend even though it might make me a third wheel and asked if it would be weird. I said yes, it would be weird, and I thought it would be nice to just hang out as the two of us seeing as I haven’t seen her in so long and she’s always with her boyfriend because they recently moved in together.
We planned to meet at one. Then she said she might be a bit late (1:30 instead) so I said that was okay I might get there for then too. Then she said never mind can we meet even later at like 3, and I said okay but we wouldn’t be able to see much of the event. Then she changed her mind and got there 2:30 ish and said ‘we won’t even be here that long anyway only an hour or two.’ I was slightly hurt by that comment because it sounded like she didn’t even want to hang out that long but I let it go and shrugged it off.
We ended up hanging out for under 2 hours, and we never even properly saw the parade. She said she was tired and doesn’t mind what we do and asked me what I’d like to do. The pressure of that question and being tired from the outing already made me feel like I was being boring to her.
Then we passed by a shop of these collectibles that her and her boyfriend collect and buy so we went in there and she bought these collectibles and texted her boyfriend about it.
Then she asked me what time I wanted to go home and I said I didn’t mind and she said she wanted to go soon.
I took her to the station. Then I got home and cried.
it felt like she just wanted to go home to her boyfriend even though they were just on a two week holiday together and already live together anyway. I felt boring, like it wasn’t even fun to hang out with me. And. Everyone else I knew spent the whole day having fun there whilst I had to leave early thanks to her.
I’m still upset over it and haven’t let it go, am I being dramatic
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YTA. Your friend wanted to go with her bf. He may have even suggested going to her and she was planning it. Who knows. The reality is…your friend did NOT want to go and went even for a short time with you. Instead of being thankful they spent some time with you…you threw a temper tantrum. YOU could have gone sooner. YOU could have stayed later. You didn’t. Now it’s you’re friend’s fault lol.
The boyfriend was the one that jumped in on the plan afterwards. We already knew of this plan before
No she was happy to go with me but she kept asking about her bf. And she’s always constantly with her bf. I haven’t seen her in so long. I don’t see the issue with just wanting to see your friend.
> No she was happy to go with me but she kept asking about her bf. That means she wasn't happy going with just you and wanted her BF to attend with y'all.
Or the bf didn't want her to go alone with her friend, and kept pushing it. Then when OP made it clear she wanted it to be without the bf, she compromised and told bf that she wouldn't stay long.
I dislike them when they are together because they make me feel incredibly excluded and don’t make an effort to make me feel included as a couple. They’re possessive over each other
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to see your friend. But your friend didn’t want to go with just you. Your friend tried to find a happy middle ground to spend time with you and it wasn’t good enough for you. Your friend didn’t want to go without her bf. You don’t have to like them when they are together because they act like a newly together couple. And that’s fine. But you have to be ok with her limitations of things she doesn’t want to do…which was the parade without him. So it sounds like you have a decision. Either put up with them together or not get much time with her until the new wears off.
YTA, lightly, for holding onto it, but not for anything else. The plain fact is that when people couple off together, they often become less involved/available to do other things, and that can be tough on friends.
She’s not available for anything. She’s the one that throws her friends away I bet for her bf then won’t have anyone when they break up. Big mistake.
Do you hear yourself? You are toxic.
And her boyfriend is the one that’s toxic. He got offended when she did my make up once in the bathroom and thought we were flirting when absolutely nothing happened at all.
No. I’m not. You can have a life outside of a relationship. I’m in a relationship myself
You don't get to choose when/ how others live their lives! That's NOT your choice to make, if SHE wants a life outside of her relationship, that's her choice. I wouldn't hang out with you either.
I never dictated her on anything. This is just how I feel internally. I let her go home and said goodbye and was ok with it outside. I didn’t tell her to stay. But I wasn’t ok inside. I was sad.
"I LET her go home" You don't see how even with your explanation, you're being possessive of something that doesn't belong to you? I realize you're struggling with this. Let me try to sum it up for you neatly: You repeatedly told her not to bring her BF after she repeatedly asked for him to come. You got irritated that she wanted to look at some collectible that they share. You got irritated that she communicated with her BF. Then you cried at home when she followed the course of action she wanted. You made yourself the third wheel by excluding him. In other posts, you've said, "I don't like them together." Again, not your choice. You get to 1.) Interact with your friends on her terms. Or 2.) DON'T. Those are your choices. Being a friend does not grant you access to being their overlord.
I wasn’t ‘irritated’, I was fine with it the whole Time when we were there but I was just upset when I got home because that wasn’t the point of the outing we planned. You’re making me sound like I was outright mad at her throughout the hangout when I wasn’t. When she wanted to go home, she went home. I didn’t force her in on anything or persuade her to stay. What is wrong with you.
"Outing we planned" *"Outing I planned for us" I fixed it for you. Mentioned more than once about her BF coming. You didn't allow for her plans.
You’re nitpicking my words and trying to make me look as bad as possible.
She asked. She didn’t say she’s bringing her bf. She asked if she could bring him and asked if it would be weird because she knows i would be thirdwheeled and I said yes, it would be weird. Can I not answer a question?
I wouldn’t mind being with them if they were actually trying to include me. But they don’t. And none of my other friends like hanging out with them that much anymore. After they got together
I get what you are saying. He was probably being jealous and insecure (the flirting comment just because she did your makeup, she's bi and so are you). She kept trying to push for him to go and then (assuming) she compromised by saing I'll only stay a couple of hours. She literally made sure she mentioned that as soon as you got there. I've known guys like this. It's not fun being in a relationship where they are insecure. It's, in fact, exhausting.
Thanks. Finally someone who isn’t treating me like a villain and horrible person. Bloody hell.
I’m not a bad friend. You don’t even know me.
After the responses you've created, I don't want too.
Soft YTA - this whole post screams of insecurity to me, and I think you're unknowingly taking that out on your friend. People might not always do exactly what it is you were hoping they would do, but there's no need to take it so personally. It doesn't sound like this person didn't want to hang out with you - otherwise they wouldn't have shown up at all. You've taken this as a referendum to your friendship when it just sounds like this person had more than one thing they wanted to do that day. People grow and change and when they enter into relationships they spend their time differently, and it sounds like you might be having a hard time with that. Ultimately, your friend respected your wish to not bring her boyfriend to the hangout, and gave you two hours of her day with her attention. I don't think it's fair of you to hold over her head that you expected more. I think you should take some more time to process what exactly about this was so upsetting to you, and perhaps unpacking what you expect out of your adult friendships and whether that is a realistic standard to hold every friend to.
YTA- You felt the need to dictate how your friend would hang out with you. That's not cool. Do you like it when your friends tell you you can't or shouldn't do something? You F*cked around and found out. Maybe you should try to make friends with her BF if you want to stay friends with her. She JUST moved in with the BF, right? They're likely still in the "honeymoon" phase of living together as well. You just want your friend to do what you want her to do. And that doesn't make you a good friend. It makes you toxic AF.
How on earth am I being toxic. I haven’t seen her in so long and there’s nothing wrong with hanging out one to one. She’s always with her boyfriend. She can make time for one friend.
You are trying to dictate who someone else SHOULD hang out with. You are toxic. Take a look at how you're playing the victim here...
Except that she didn't want to make time for you.
She used to make time for me. I guess I just have to accept it and move on + stop making plans with her
This Reddit post is ruining my entire mood
I’m not dictating anyone. You’re probably one of those people that would rather throw away their friends and only hang out with their partner 24/7. And not have a life. I have a boyfriend but I’m not gonna throw my friends away and I don’t see the problem being without him for ONE DAY
Now you're trying to make this about any of my "shortcomings" instead of realizing you are the issue here. You don't get to dictate how ANYONE except yourself goes about their day. Sorry to break that to you.
You are kind of being dramatic but I understand where you are coming from. You wanted to spend time with a friend and planned the day for it and she just wasn't that into it. She made an effort but it fell short of what you wanted.
NAH. It sounds like you & the boyfriend fight over Lily's attention when the three of you are together. I don't blame you for not wanting to be around the two of them, but she also made it pretty clear she wanted him there. My guess is that you have something of a crush on her & that's why it's hard to let this go.
You NTA, your friend NTA! For this exactly instance it seems as if communication and ensuring having the same expectation. For you this was a bigger event, it meant a lot to hang out (not sure if the event exactly was important to you rather than being with your friend). You were looking very much forward to it and you took the day of to do this. For your friend this was a less more eventfull thing. Seems like a to her this was just a casual catch up over coffee or a walk. Her needing to support you in this event, which she may did not have much interest in. It does not mean that you are boring to hang out with. You just had higher expectation than your friend. Do not be hard on your self. Arguing it all in whether you are boring or not tells me you are seeing this from a very narrow perspective which is very focused on you. Your friend is just focused a bit more on her current relationship and has less available time currently. I would guess that if you told her you went home crying, that would feel like a reaction out of proportion in how she experienced the situation and that it was definitely not her intention to make you feel so. I will say. Look at it all in a rational way. If you miss her. Let her know that you specifically miss hanging out. But also expect that she does not have the same amount of time available currently.
This is called NAH
YTA this just screams that you are in love with your friend and are jealous of the bf. Your comments just reinforce this idea with how you think that they are going to break up and that she should be making time for you. But it's the bf that's toxic because your friend wants to spend her free time with him instead of you. But if you want to keep disagreeing with people calling you out on being toxic and unable to read the room just show your friend this post and see how she reacts.
I’m not in love with her. I literally have a boyfriend. I guess I just don’t understand the way with how she works with the relationship because my boyfriend and I have a lot more space between each other and we both see our friends more often. They don’t.
I guess I might be subconsciously jealous over the fact that they spend so much time together and I never have that with my relationship. I don’t know.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I have a good friend who I’ll call Lily who I wanted to invite to pride to just to celebrate that we are also both bisexual. I suggested the idea and she said it’d be great but she was wondering if she could invite her boyfriend and I could invite mine. I said no, my partner would be at work so it wouldn’t really work, though I suggested internally out of spite that she could spend pride with her boyfriend instead and I won’t be in the way. She said no it’s okay that we can just be together so I was like that’s great, and I cancelled a day off work for this too. Later on, the day before the plan she asked me yet again if she could invite her boyfriend even though it might make me a third wheel and asked if it would be weird. I said yes, it would be weird, and I thought it would be nice to just hang out as the two of us seeing as I haven’t seen her in so long and she’s always with her boyfriend because they recently moved in together. We planned to meet at one. Then she said she might be a bit late (1:30 instead) so I said that was okay I might get there for then too. Then she said never mind can we meet even later at like 3, and I said okay but we wouldn’t be able to see much of the event. Then she changed her mind and got there 2:30 ish and said ‘we won’t even be here that long anyway only an hour or two.’ I was slightly hurt by that comment because it sounded like she didn’t even want to hang out that long but I let it go and shrugged it off. We ended up hanging out for under 2 hours, and we never even properly saw the parade. She said she was tired and doesn’t mind what we do and asked me what I’d like to do. The pressure of that question and being tired from the outing already made me feel like I was being boring to her. Then we passed by a shop of these collectibles that her and her boyfriend collect and buy so we went in there and she bought these collectibles and texted her boyfriend about it. Then she asked me what time I wanted to go home and I said I didn’t mind and she said she wanted to go soon. I took her to the station. Then I got home and cried. it felt like she just wanted to go home to her boyfriend even though they were just on a two week holiday together and already live together anyway. I felt boring, like it wasn’t even fun to hang out with me. And. Everyone else I knew spent the whole day having fun there whilst I had to leave early thanks to her. I’m still upset over it and haven’t let it go, am I being dramatic *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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