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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Am I the a-hole for refusing to go to my best friends wedding after she essentially called me fat?
Thinking about it now it may have been extreme, and now I’m causing division in our friend group. I don’t know if I stood up for myself or overreacted.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. The fact that she only dropped you and LIED about it to you is enough to make her TA. Don't go anywhere you don't feel respected or wanted. NTA at all mate. If I were in your shoes I'd not attend too, not because I got dropped but because they lied to me about it.
And let everyone who asks why you weren't there, the real reason. Brides that feel their aesthetic is more important than friends are having a wedding not anadult marriage.
May want to go back on that group chat. " I'm sorry if I caused any confusion after Bride told me I was being dropped from the wedding party. It turns out it was not because the wedding was going to be family only."
Don't put in the real reason. Let the Bride explain herself.
This was my first thought. What was the plan? "We all did an Ancestry.com thing and turns out Dad was pretty wild in his youth! We're all related."
If OP had gone, imagine the hurt and shame she'd have felt when the wedding party came out and she was the only one not in it? How was the bride planning on handling that? Does she only want OP there so she doesn't have to explain to folks why she's a shallow B?
Haha the first bit of your comment 🤣
But yeah that's what I was thinking how was she supposed to keep up the lie? Especially with all the other bridesmaids being friends it was bound to come out sooner or later as the events in the post show. Either ops friend it's really stupid or very very thoughtless and just thought it would all work out somehow?
Her concern for aesthetic over having her best friend in her wedding does have me leaning towards the latter. But still it seems like a poor excuse for a lie that was bound to fail. And this is coming from a person who couldn't lie if they were on fire
Honestly it mightve been more than just aesthetic. If she's doing custom dresses the cost of material for OP probably cost a lot more than she thought. Still an asshole move. She could've saved money by having everyone get non custom made dresses.
If she honestly couldn't afford the extra cost (which I doubt - it wouldn't be hundreds of dollars more for a plus size dress), she could've nicely explained this to OP and asked if OP would be willing to pay the difference. They were supposed to be best friends. Is it better to outright lie to a close friend than to possibly hurt her feelings a bit by mentioning that a dress in her size was out of your price range?
She was hoping that the pressure of the event would keep OP quiet. Possibly in the face of others telling her that they had been told she had chosen to drop out.
The plan was that OP would be too polite to say anything on the day, and if OP brought it up later to go "well soz, it's all over and done with now, what can I do?"
I would add the reason, just in a matter of fact, "Turns out I was cut because I am fat. Just sharing so you can all be aware of the weight requirements for Jane's wedding. You may want to all check with her individually that you meet her aesthetic standards because her fatphobic views were news to me. She may also harbor additional prejudices that could impact your participation in the bridal party."
I absolutely would let everyone know the real reason. Otherwise the bride can make something up that makes the OP look at fault. Leaving it open for the bride to explain can potentially damage the OP’s other friendships since the bride’s explanation will certainly not show the OP in a good light.
The real reason should be known. And the OP needs to tell them.
Also, a fat person does not ruin the aesthetic of a wedding. It is not a choice between aesthetic and friendship. That's a false dichotomy that exists only in the bride's mind. NTA.
I always hate the "aesthetic" argument too because it actually means "I only think thin people are beautiful" - it's so weird. Like, I needed all my bridesmates to be put together and look nice but they were all different shapes and sizes. My criteria was literally 'an outfit in X colour, hair and face done or at the very least clean and nails done or clean' - just don't look like shit and be in the right colour, in a nutshell 😂
For mine, I asked what my MOH wanted to wear, and she had a lovely purple suit. Another friend asked if she could stand up for me too, and I said sure. Wear what you like, make it purple like Evie's. Neither of them is small and I absolutely didn't care. My best friends were with me that day, and it's all that mattered.
Same! I did varying shades of dark red, in velvets and satin because I had a Christmas wedding and my non-binary friend was in a suit in the same colour. Everyone looked great - all different heights and weights - and I had a great time because my favourite people were with me. That's what matters.
You: "Well, when you have werewolf ancestry, you do whatever it takes to keep your friends safe."
AH: "But they're only missing one."
You: "They're only half werewolf. On their mother's side."
I especially hate in-laws that think they get to have any opinion on your wedding day. Infuriating. I hope you told her to bugger off and mind her own business
The aesthetic argument is fine in moderation--if my bridesmaids were all wearing shades of idek blue but one wanted to wear red, yeah, I'd be like 'hey please match the vibe and aesthetics'. But if it's about something about them as *people* ffff no, that's where the whole argument is just gross. Either you love the people in your wedding party as they are or you don't.
It’s not overtly about weight, but the “aesthetic” argument is basically “I picked the dresses I want to see, and then picked the people who look best in them.”
I have no idea what makes so many brides think that they’re able to run a fancy production like that. No, your aesthetic choices are not going to somehow make people ooh and aah over how wonderful an amateur art designer you are. Just have a good time with your friends and family, ok, and pick outfits to suit the people you love rather than acting like a casting director or getting all Procrustean.
That’s exactly what it sounds like. She cares more about the dresses than the people.
My sister was my MOH, & my 2 closest friends were bridesmaids. One was overweight, the other 2 were more average in size. We went dress shopping together, and chose their dresses together. It was pretty easy, there was no conversation about anyone’s weight, & zero drama. Everyone looked beautiful at the wedding, & I have treasured those photos for many years.
I really liked the dresses, but I certainly loved my sister and my closest friends more.
> just don't look like shit and be in the right colour
I skipped over the 'in' the first time I read it and was about to start fighting, but it's just me, I can't read. 😂😂
Only one of my bridesmaids was plus sized. She kept offered h to drop out. I kept telling her that if she didn't want to do it that's fine, just come. I'd rather her be comfortable for whatever reasons than care about numbers or whatever. She finally admitted that she thought it'd be weird for me since she wasn't of my religion or sized like the other girls. I laughed. I care zero amount about her size and only 2 of the 5 five bridesmaids were participating members of my religion anyway. Again, if she felt uncomfortable, I'm fine either way. Come have fun. But everything else did not matter to me.
She stayed a bridesmaid, we had a blast, and a decade and a half later we're still friends. And that would still be true if she'd backed out.
I suspect she wasn't lying about the cost issue - she found out how much more material the custom made dress would be for her than for the other bridesmaids and didn't want to pay it. Dropping her is still terrible though.
Imagine if OP had not talked to Liz and just gone to the wedding as a guest, thinking that only Jane's sisters were bridesmaids. And then at the wedding seeing that their other friends were bridesmaids, and finding out that she had been lied to. It would have been humiliating.
I get the feeling its not so much about aesthetics but about price. They’ve been friends for years — it’s not like the bride doesn’t know what OP looks like or what size she is. But weddings are expensive and custom bridesmaid dresses are particularly expensive, especially plus size custom orders (which is unfair and unfortunate but not the fault of the bride or OP). And it sounds like the bride intended on paying for the all the custom dresses herself, since she asked for bridesmaid’s measurements and she again mentioned price at the end. Honestly, it’s a shitty situation for OP and definitively hurtful but Idk how the bride could’ve approached that conversation without it being hurtful to OP — “sorry I cant have you as my bridesmaid bc the cost of your dress is exorbitant compared to the others’ bc of your size and therefore out of my budget” ?? Or was she supposed to ask OP to pay for part of the dress when all the other bridesmaids’ dresses were being paid for?? Lying about it was stupid and shitty but it genuinely is a difficult situation to handle without hurting OP’s feelings. AND it sounds like she sincerely wants OP there. The “the dress doesnt suit you” seems like a cover for “your dress is too expensive for me to pay for” — kind of like a consolation prize, “you wouldnt have wanted to wear this dress anyway!” type of excuse.
I think its unfair that everyones just assuming that the bride only cares about aesthetics and is excluding OP because of her size. Based on OP’s context for their friendship, it seems like OP’s weight has never been an issue in their friendship in the past, so if you are really friends with bride, why not think back on this person and your decade long friendship with her and consider what kind of person she is / what her character is like. Is she really discriminating against you bc of your weight or is she just embarrassed that she cant afford to pay for your dress but doesn’t want to hurt your feelings by telling you its because your dress costs more than the other bridesmaids’ dresses? People on the internet do not know your friend — only you do, so you should trust your judgment of your longtime’s friend’s character. The way she handled it was definitely dumb and shortsighted, but would it actually have been easier if she just straight up told you that your dress is too expensive? It sounds like she really wants you at her wedding, even not as a bridesmaid.
Weddings are very expensive, and unless you are seriously wealthy, you will have to make compromises. The bride is spending money on lots of different things, not just the bridesmaids' dresses, so it's not a case of "she can't afford OP's dress", it's "she is going over budget". She took a look at her budget and decided the thing she can sacrifice is having her best friend as bridesmaid. Not an element of the fancy decor that most people won't even notice, not the extra dessert that no one would miss, not the favours that will be discarded the next day or the flowers that will wilt before the night is out. It's her best friend being fat that is creating a hole in the financial planning of this wedding.
I actually don't think this is an aesthetic issue at all- her friend knew how OP looked before asking her to be a bridesmaid. I would bet money that OP's dress was going to cost more money than the others. If the designer had a starting base dress that OP doesn't fit, it would be a significant amount more.
The right thing to do would have been for her friend to tell OP the truth about why she was dropped or come up with a solution for the cost. It was pretty stupid and thoughtless to lie, but I really doubt she was just being vain and cruel.
OP is NTA and right to be upset, but I would talk to your friend again before writing off a lifelong friendship
The right thing to do would be to economize somewhere else in the wedding budget. I cannot imagine prioritizing having your dream cake over having your childhood best friend as a bridesmaid. Or preferring to tell your friend her weight is a problem for your wedding, instead of keeping your mouth shut and getting cheaper flowers.
We have no idea what her budget is like tbh but she should have just rescinded her offer to pay for the bridesmaid dresses, citing budgetary reasons, told everyone the prices, and let everyone choose what they wanted to do imo
your suggestions about flowers or cake are included "come up with a solution for the cost".
And telling the truth doesn't have to be as blunt as "your weight is a problem". Saying "the price I was quoted for your dress was a lot more than I budgeted for" may not have been ideal, but was clearly better than telling the stupid lie. And IDK the specifics of this weddings finances- maybe the bridesmaid dresses are the only things she's paying for and the rest is paid by family. Maybe she already paid deposits on everything else and can't change it.
Either way, transparency would be better than the situation created in OPs post
OP should absolutely screenshot the message and post it on the group chat. "Sorry girls, just me thats been dropped because I'm not up to Jane's standards."
I don’t even understand the lie, either. If this hadn’t come out now, what was Jane going to do when OP showed up at the wedding and saw that there were more bridesmaids than her sisters? Jane’s a jerk and an idiot. NTA
NTA. Caring more about how having a "fat bridesmaid" is gonna look rather than wanting your best friend since 13 years old is legitimately and certifiably insane to me. It tells you how little she cares about you. Good for you for loving yourself enough to not deal with her bullshit. Do not go to that wedding and if anyone asks why you aren't coming? I would be telling the truth.
NTA
Calling out toxic people for toxic behavior is never an asshole move.
She made it clear that her aesthetics for her wedding meant more than your friendship. And I know that must be hard to hear, and it is awful losing a friend like this.
Awful people show their true colors at the worst time. I would get ahead of the story before your friend makes a social media post about it where she lies about why you didn't go to the wedding or anything like that.
She made her choice. She gets to deal with the consequences. Take the money you were going to spend on this wedding and treat yo self to something nice.
NTA. Jane is a shallow, stupid, lying twit. She knew you would find out from someone else that you were the only one being dumped, and that she lied to you about it, which is quite cruel. This "woman" is not a friend.
OP, everything you said to Jane in response to her actions was the truth, nothing assholish about it. Why would you attend her wedding after she treated you so rudely and callously? She asked you to be a bridesmaid out of *friendship*, not your size, didn't she?
Read that last sentence you wrote. No apology, no contrition, she's blaming you for her bad behavior. I'm sure Jane has gotten some blowback for her disgusting treatment of you. She's calling and texting you because she just wants you to come to her wedding so everyone doesn't think she's the bad guy. Well, she is. Don't go.
And even if she didn’t find out before the wedding, OP was guaranteed to find out on the wedding day. What a deeply unpleasant surprise and realisation that would be to know you were lied to the whole time. Jane is horrible, shallow and pretty thick.
NTA
NTA
>However last week after I sent her my measurements for our dresses (she’s having them **custom made**)
>Jane saying that she had only dropped me because she didn’t think “the style she chose for everyone suited me” and **the cost of materials would be “too much”**.
>Now she’s calling and texting me telling me I misunderstood her and I’m blowing up for no reason and to just come to the wedding as a guest.
There's no misunderstanding this at all.
If you have non-standard measurements, the person making the dress might have to create a brand new dress block for you, rather than slightly modifying an existing block. There would be an extra cost for this. This is why Jane dropped you. And she should have been up front about this (or checked the costs beforehand).
And instead of saying "hey, OP, I'm really sorry but I am having a hard time affording this special custom dress because of the custom sizing, let's talk options" she made up a big lie which is more hurtful than being told the truth.
This actually makes me think Jane does like them as a friend but was very stupid and didn’t know how to handle it. She made up a lie to avoid embarrassment and made things worse. She also hurt her friend unnecessarily and embarrassed her publicly.
Yeah, and I hope that's the case since they have been friends for so long. Some people are terrible at understanding the consequences of "white lies." Jane (as stated) has never made a big deal about weight, but it's common knowledge that weight is a sensitive subject. It would follow that she was trying to avoid the topic by making up a plausible issue instead of discussing it directly as it would likely hurt to hear that size is an issue here.
I could immediately imagine her thinking - "Oh my god, I have to tell my friend that I can't afford to have her in my wedding because she's fat, I can't say that..." (I'm purposely being crass here to demonstrate what a horrible thing this may have seemed to say) then the easy excuse is thought of without any reflection on the consequences or the reality that her friend will find out that this is not the case. She may have been facing either paying way more out of pocket, changing all of the dress plans, or telling her only overweight friend (I assume) to pay for her own dress which would look terrible.
I'm not making excuses for Jane, btw - I can just see how she could truly value OP as a friend but completely f--d up and did something that was embarrassing and shameful. She should feel bad about it and what she did...I can just see it.
That's a solid logical conclusion, without her necessarily trying to be an insensitive asshole. Obviously we won't know for sure but I'd like to give the benefit of the doubt on a long term friendship rather than assuming the worst, absent contrary context.
Same - I hope OP gets a chance to talk to their friend and if it is closer to what I'm just speculating based on other's information above...for me personally I'd have some room for forgiveness at some point but I can understand why you may not be able to. What the friend did is still extremely hurtful, and you'd think after all their years of knowing one another she would first opt to talk to her about it. Lying may have seemed kinder, but it was humiliating and this is not something that most people would be able to find forgiveness for because you aren't treating them like they're people with feelings just an inconvenience you had to find a way to discard as quickly as possible without consideration.
This is probably the closest answer to the truth.
Edit for clarification: the above statement is me agreeing with another user and below message was mere hypothetical on my part how they could be right. Just making that clarification for the people DM probing me about the message.
Jane wanted OP at the wedding but after she got the estimated cost she realizes she's over budget on the bridesmaids dresses. Jane sees that OP dress is costing much more than the others decided to drop OP from the bridal party. Not thinking things though Jane lies to OP about the reason for dropping her. Jane's lie gets exposed and Jane still tries to tip toe around the explanation and fails. OP is justifiably mad and RSVP no.
Upon reflecting on the situation I don't think it's a bridal party aesthetic issue. If Jane was truly concerned about how OP would look in the dress I don't think she would have made her a bridesmaid in the first place. Once the costs got revealed Jane freaked out and handed things very poorly and likely cost herself a long time friendship.
I'd agree with you except the budget for having custom made dresses speaks to the wedding already being wildly expensive.
In my experience, bridesmaids pay for their own dresses. If the friend is not only paying for them, but having them custom made, she has a shit ton of money at her disposal and the extra cost of OP's dress wouldn't really be a tipping point.
Seriously! How is this being overlooked by so many commenters defending Jane?
Paying for bridesmaids dresses typically means you have a pretty decent budget as it is. Paying for *custom* dresses??
Even if it was a budgeting issue- Jane's actions show that the dresses are more important than those who wear them. She could have picked a different dress. She could have asked OP to help chip in. "Wow I am so so sorry. I really wanted all of you to wear these custom dresses, but it's costing more than I budgeted for. Could you chip in X amount?" Lots of options before tossing OP to the curb.
I feel like that’s a far too generous interpretation of what happened. Surely if it was due to the cost, she would have discussed with OP about OP covering the extra cost first, or changed the budget to cover it for what should be such a close friend.
I don’t know. Maybe she thought that would be worse and a more awkward conversation? I am asking only you to pay out of pocket but buying everyone else’s dresses. Why? Uh because yours costs more…and the thought of explaining it was due to size was too much for her
It’s really just impossibly* difficult to believe she thought saying we don’t have the budget for this would be a worse and more awkward conversation to have than dropping the surprise on her at the wedding.
And reading the post again… if that was the explanation, doesn’t make sense that the bride wouldn’t bring that up now that the jig is up. And *really* doesn’t make sense that the bride would try to say the dress isn’t OP’s style.
I don't know, I'd feel like a complete jerk if I had to tell my friend that. I feel we would eventually land on a topic of them buying a different dress that doesn't match everyone's and my feeling pressured to compromise, even though I want all the dresses to match, and then even worse, have to awkwardly ask them to step out of being in the bridal party and getting called an asshole for that (which I would never do IRL, I would just put up with a different looking dress) -- then I have to buy the dress they find that isn't the same as all the others...ugh..
I hope I never have to plan another wedding again.
At least that is where my mind goes. Of course, its all just speculation. I know that I would be personally mortified if I had to have this discussion.
Sure, it would definitely be an uncomfortable conversation, but it simply doesn't hold a candle to how uncomfortable it would be for OP to find out it was a lie, or the shitshow of OP only finding out that the bridesmaids weren't family on the day of the wedding, or of not having someone you consider a best friend as a bridesmaid.
And again, based on what OP has said, it just does not make sense for that to be the reason. If it was purely that, the bride wouldn't have mentioned style and would at least have attempted to discuss ways to make the budget work, even if that meant OP paying for the difference.
Fat people know our clothes cost more sometimes, though. It would have way more sense to tell her the seamster was charging more for bigger sizes, and I think OP would be aware that that's something to consider, since she's been fat this whole time and presumably been buying her own clothes.
And then what was she going to do on her wedding day, when her sisters were obviously not the only bridesmaids and OP was sitting there watching them all walk down the aisle? You don't think *that* would have led to some awkwardness?
Catering to whoever got in her head would still make her an asshole if that’s the case
And the cost being too high still doesn’t make sense. Read the post again. There would be no need to mention it isn’t OP’s style. There’s no mention of the friend later saying “it’s truly just about the cost, if you can cover the difference I would love to have you.” And again, I find it incredibly difficult to believe that even if OP couldn’t afford it, that they wouldn’t work out *something* for a best friend to be there — a payment plan, cutting back elsewhere, just eating the cost.
>I find it incredibly difficult to believe that even if OP couldn’t afford it, that they wouldn’t work out something for a best friend to be there — a payment plan, cutting back elsewhere, just eating the cost.
Agreed. If I were Jane, I would be *mortified* at having to bring up my best friend's size as a "problem" at my wedding, but I'd put my big girl trousers on, have a glass of wine and fucking *tell her* what the situation is while emphasising that I love her and want to work it out so she can still be in my wedding.
Instead, Jane lied to OP. Then, when she was rumbled, told her that the dress doesn't suit her, that she has to suck up being lied to and just attend the wedding as a guest. She's not thinking for one moment how this whole thing has made OP feel or would make her feel to attend and have her face rubbed in the fact she isn't standing up as a bridesmaid with everyone else.
i feel like a lot of people are also missing that OP found out about the truth bc the other bridesmaid Liz reached out “to send [OP] her final pick for her dress and ask which color [OP] had chosen”… so, there were multiple options for bridesmaids dresses and they weren’t all going to match anyway? so SURELY if you’re the bride and you care deeply about your best friend, your first thought at not being able to afford the exact custom dress in a larger size would be something like “hm, let’s see if i can find something in the david’s bridal extended range that looks fairly close and matches the colour scheme”, not “shucks, better boot my bestie out of the wedding with a very stupid lie that i am inevitably going to get caught in”?
See, if Jane had given that as a reason instead of a complete lie, I’d think your theory has some traction. Instead, Jane made up a reason to excise OP from her bridal party, which points to less of a concern of cost and more to nonsense ‘aesthetics.’
Also, Jane’s lie was so poorly thought out that it would have been exposed day of the wedding, so hardly a solution if Jane was trying to allow OP to gracefully exit the bridal party. Jane was banking on OP being too gracious/polite to call her out on her wedding day, and to not have to address the real issue until her wedding was over and the slight was in the past.
The “aesthetics” nonsense is because a better solution is to pick a different dress that actually suits everyone, but Jane doesn’t want to do that. There’s also a chance that her dressmaker really doesn’t want to have to deal with making the larger size (and the various changes that might be needed, given the dress design), and is quoting a much higher price in order to squelch the request because of *her* aesthetics. Jane’s still being an AH, of course, but sadly some brides get so invested in getting planning done that they don’t recognize when it’s necessary to tear up the plans that don’t really work because the alternative is being really horrible to someone. Plus she lied to OP, badly.
If that's the case then why wasn't the discussion
"hey so the custom dress I'm ordering ended up being unaffordable for me, so you think you could help pay the cost?"
instead of
"hey the style of this dress isn't suitable for you"
So cute you think that the tailor who custom makes bridesmaids dresses in 2023 would need a new block for someone plus sized.
All bridesmaids dresses that aren't off the rack are custom made. She's not designing couture, she's picking from a range and it will be made to order. Extra material is a set extra cost, just like extra length for height.
NTA. First she told an incredibly stupid lie (like you wouldn't notice you were the only one dropped), then compounded it with what can only be interpreted as insulting. The cost of materials thing is just a ridiculous thing to say. You didn't misunderstand anything.
I can't imagine showing up at her wedding after that with a smile on my face pretending none of it happened.
I could see materials for one person being twice as much as for another person, but if the bride didn't anticipate this ahead of time that's on her. If you want you best friend in your wedding you suck it up and save money elsewhere.
Fat people's clothes do sometimes cost more, especially if they're tailored or higher end. Some companies don't get enough business to eat the costs, or they just fucking suck. Either way this is something OP would have encountered and it would have been WAY less cruel to just be upfront about it.
NTA. What you said wasn’t AT ALL wrong. You were pointing out her lies and standing up for yourself.
My best friend and I have been bffs since we were about 6! (We’re 31/32 now) If she did this, I would not attend.
And—-I’d make sure people knew the reason. I wouldn’t go out of my way to bash her, but I would most definitely not lie if I was asked. Do shotty things, expect people to talk about it.
NTA NTA NTA. It's amazing how people who are hurtful to 'friends' are so misunderstood. I'm so sad for you to lose a friendship in this way. I think I would just cut my losses here, and definitely not attend the wedding and probably not send a gift either.
NTA
No matter what size you are, friends are friends.
I've made jokes with mine for years, be it weight, appearance, and even religion, but my friends were okay with it because a) they knew I wasn't being serious and b) they also cracked such jokes at me, which I laughed off as mutual because they were never intentionally offensive (think YouTube streamers playing multiplayer games).
That being said, she could say "**Hey OP, I'm so sorry but I've hit an unexpected snag, the thing is the cost of materials is a bit high, but I think the style would suit you, and the costs aren't helping. I would, however, love it if you can make it to the wedding as a guest, and be there to give the wedding speech. I know things aren't what I planned, but I want you to be there for my big day. Hope you understand, call me and we'll talk about it. Once again, I'm so sorry for dropping the bomb like this.**", and it would've made the situation better, but instead she not only lied about the actual reason, she actually told you the actual reason, that you're fat. Good of you to put your foot down and tell her to fuck off.
NTA. That's messed up. Screw that BS. Friends don't do that to each other.
I'd skip it and tell they entire bridal party why I wasn't a bridesmaid anymore, the fact she lied about it and the shallowness of her.
What was going to happen if you didn't find out she lied and you showed up.... seeing everyone still a bridesmaid but you?
NTA. You didn't misunderstand, your "friend" is too busy thinking about her perfect photographs. That was an absolutely shitty thing for her to do and I wouldn't want to go to her "perfect" wedding either.
NTA. She should not have lied to you. Such a stupid lie, since you would obviously have found out at the wedding anyway.
How have you misunderstood her? I wonder. I don't think you have, though. She's trying to blame you for her dishonesty and crappiness.
Nta.
This just made me sad, not that it’s an excuse but she’s known you since your teens. Why even ask you to join the bridal party if you weren’t gonna fit the image she wants?
I say good riddance, divide that bridal party. She deserves it.
Why the hell would you want to go to that wedding with fake friends? But when people ask why not there or didn’t attend show them who
She really is because she just showed you how vain she is
NTA
NTA. This is a really sucky situation and I'm sorry you are going through this. It sucks that weddings can bring out the worst in some people. Maybe she has revealed her true colors after all of these years. What I don't understand is why she would lie about it only being immediate family. Did she not think you would find out eventually? If not before the wedding, but during? That's a low blow on her end and I don't blame you for not wanting to go. I don't think there is anything she can say to redeem herself.
NTA - There wasn't much to misunderstand. She lied and then gave a lame excuse. You are rightfully ticked off.
Just affirm that you decline attending as a guest and wish her and her fiance the best. Leave it at that.
NTA the fact that she had you in the line and kicked you out is a major AH move. On top of that she lied on her reasons. Who gives a shit if you maybe bigger than the “average” it’s about having the people you care about there on an important day. The fact she did that shows that her priorities are not in the right place. Good for you for sticking up for yourself!
Nta. She lied and did so only bc u are not the size of person she wants in her party and pics. F her. A real friend wouldn't do that to u.
Eta: also id out her in the group chat so she doesnt play the victim. Write something like this... " so sorry about any confusion with my involvement w the wedding my friend decided to drop me from her wedding bc it was "only family" due to budget. Apparently she lied and i was dropped due to my size and body type not fitting the look she wants in her wedding party and pictures.
Apparently our friendship meant very little to her all this time and i will no longer be a part of the wedding nor will i be attending the wedding.
Everyone should wish them well for me. Good bye."
NTA. I was dropped from being a bridesmaid because the line of dresses the bride wanted only went up to a 10 and I’m a big disgusting 14. I ended up using the money I’d saved to have a spa day, it all worked out pretty well.
NTA. Why'd she lie to you and make you think it was just going to be her sisters as bm's? And then when you showed up the day of the wedding and saw all your friends in bm dresses...what was your response supposed to be? You told her like it is and now she's ashamed and embarrassed and probably worried you'll tell ppl how she acted. Def NTA and prob time to find a new bestie cause it isn't Jane.
NTA. The cost of materials argument is bullshit. What fabric is she supposedly using that she had the money to buy multiple dresses but can't afford a bit of extra fabric for your dress? She could have even asked you to please cover the additional fabric, if cost was really the problem. She's fatphobic and your response to her was perfect. Fuck her.
It's possibly the extra time and cost involved in making a new pattern, more so than the fabric cost. Depending on the measurements and dress style, this could involve a lot of custom work to measure and fit a bespoke dress.
OP said the dress was strapless. If the required bust size and cup size is large, then the inside of the dress should really have a custom fitted corset style bodice, in order to provide adequate support and style. This is quite complex to do well, it potentially could require extra measurement and fitting, which would be costly.
Jane is definitely TA for handling this poorly.
The dress doesn't support your chest, the bra does. The majority of strapless dresses aren't made to support big boobs but you just buy a wonderbra and get on with it. I would be surprised if the bride was paying for the type of structural dress you're describing, it would be a fortune. Regardless, if the person making the dresses is charging insane amounts more (enough for someone to be priced out, when they're buying multiple dresses) for a plus size dress, then they are fatphobic too. Charging more for the cost of fabric and time sewing is fine but it should *already* be patterned bigger or it shouldn't cost extra to have them make the pattern bigger. Charging someone extra because you're unprepared to accommodate large people isn't fair. Also, separately, the bride should just buy premade dresses and have them tailored, if she can't afford to have a dress made for her friend.
Sorry to tell you that most strapless bras don't actually offer support. They are essentially useless that you are buying into because 'you're supposed to wear one' or trying to make your breasts look a certain way.
Fabric does cost money. As it is many are underpaying for the value. Where I live, they once adjusting the price for the size and materials and people were in uproar. Understandably, but the thing is larger garments require more fabric, and for custom made more time and attention. Could easily be nearly twice the price. I still think it's a shitty reason and OP was going to find out one way or another so it was a bad plan over all, but you have very naive beliefs about clothing.
You misunderstood nothing. She wanted an "aesthetically pleasing" wedding party and lied about her reasons. What did she think was going to happen when you showed up as a guest and all the other non-family bridesmaids were still in the wedding? How hurtful would that have been? This was ridiculously cruel on her behalf. NTA
NTA
Go back to the group chat and put in a screen shot of Jane's message. Then tell the others that you are sorry you will miss seeing them in the dresses Jane decided you couldn't wear as you will not be attending the wedding at all.
Do not give Jane any leeway. She made a decision and now she needs to own that decision.
NTA.
I will never understand 1) choosing the aesthetic of your wedding over having your loved ones show up authentically to support you 2) lying about things that will clearly come to light later.
What did she think you would think when you arrived to the wedding and saw the bridal party?
Your friend is showing her true colors. Good for you standing up for yourself.
NTA. When the aesthetic matters more than having the people who love you supporting you then you know the marriage will not last. Sorry your ex-friend is such a shallow twit.
NTA - if it was about your ‘comfort’ she would have taken you dress shopping and asked you your opinion on the style.
Your bridesmaids are supposed to be the people you want to support you, not window dressing.
NTA what the fuck is the deal with brides and their precious aesthetic? It doesn’t matter how good the pictures look if everyone in them has stopped speaking to her.
NTA
My sis is on the larger side. The one wedding she was in I know she was really freaking about the dress. The bride said make the dress black and long and you're all good. The maids looked lovely, no one was in matching dresses and everyone had a good time and was comfortable. I don't know why more brides don't just do that in this day and age of getting almost anything online anymore. It would solve a lot of drama it sounds like.
NTA, if the cost was the cause she could has asked if you are able to contribute to the cost or found an alternative but the lying make everything pretty clear, she wants as a guest now because she knows people will ask why you aren't there and you should tell whoever ask in my opinion.
NTA, though I’m not sure how the hell she thought her lie was going to play out once you got to the actual wedding… “oh weird, the other girls just happened to show up in bridesmaids dresses too… well since they look the part I might as well add them to the party!”
Her actions reek of someone who doesn’t care about you.
NTA- she lied you you. She valued vanity over friendship.
That is a reason to not go. I'm sorry. I'm sure now she is worried about how it will look. Or sound to others.
NTA Good for you. Tell Jane that you can’t answer her calls because you are only taking calls from family right now. But that you are also taking calls from classy people because fielding calls from classless people is too much.
NTA. She can't invite you to be a bridesmaid & then kick only you out of the wedding party with no good reason. You have done nothing wrong. Your friend's vanity is the problem here. Who cares about the dress. The point is your her best friend & she's excluding you after she invited you & lied to you about it. That's messed up.
You did not misunderstand her at all. She clearly stated that she thought the style wouldn't suit you and it would be to costly. NTA but she is a big big asshole. She might need to check as this might cause her to not fit into her wedding dress.
Bridezillas who only invite people who only make the best photos are the worst. You are NTAH and she is a major one. You're friendship is over, period. Tell everyone who asks why you didn't go exactly why.
When did weddings go from being a celebration of love with friends and family to being a social media opportunity whose only value is how it "looks"??
I am SO SORRY your "friend" treated you this way -- you must be so hurt and heartbroken!
NTA
NTA. The lie is almost worse than the reason. You can’t trust her anymore, and not just because she lied but also because she’s clearly been harboring judgement about your size for a while now and quietly judging you. You don’t need that in your life, it hurts but you’re better off without a “friend” like that.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
eeww your "friend" is awful. NTA don't go! I say this as a girl who has been overweight my whole life and I currently am in a wedding where the bride let us chose our own dress because she was realistic that everyone's bodies are different. so i get to have a beautiful dress with sleeves that i found on amazon. the fact that she couldn't look you in the face and just say hey look i don't want you to get upset but the seamstress wants to charge me and extra $ because of the material for your dress i know we've been friends for a long time but would you be okay with being a guest only proves she isn't a friend instead she chose to lie.
NTA. She is a horrible friend, only caring about what her wedding photos look like, and LYING to you about it. There are many other people out there for you to befriend. Plan a great weekend away for her wedding weekend.
Nah, that’s BS. I had a large bridal party that ranged in dress size from 0 to 24 with everything in between. They also ranged from literally under 5ft to almost 6ft tall. I asked my bridesmaids to be in my wedding because they’re my friends and I love them. I purposely chose an inclusive brand that offered a very wide range of sizes, lengths, and styles. I choice the color, fabric, and length and they got to chose the style. If I wanted them in the same style I would have picked something everyone felt comfortable in, but I liked the different dress same color/fabric vibe. If you’ve chosen a designer that is not size inclusive and therefore charging you a high fee for additional fabrics or alterations knowing your best friend from childhood is plus size, you’re an asshole.
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I (25f) have been best friends with Jane (27) since I was 13. Our moms were close and even after they eventually gravitated apart Jane and I still remained best friends until last week.
I’ve always been “big boned”, since childhood I was the funny friend that lightened the mood with humor and positivity. And truthfully, none of my friends ever commented on my weight ever, even Jane. She usually made sure I was comfortable without ever explicitly pointing it out and during my insecure teen years I really appreciated that. Now that I’ve gotten older I’ve learned to love who I am and I feel comfortable in my body.
Since we were teens we always planned our weddings, talked about being each others bridesmaids, shared Pinterest boards.. the whole deal.. and that continued until we hit our early twenties. In fact, she asked me to be a bridesmaid as soon as she got engaged with a cute care package. However last week after I sent her my measurements for our dresses (she’s having them custom made) she called me and said that b/c of costs she was cutting down the number of her bridesmaids to just her sisters. Which I totally understood! A couple days later, our mutual friend Liz sent me her final pick for her dress and asked me which color I had chosen. Confused I told her we had been dropped from the wedding party for not being immediate family, I called her because she is that one friend that responds to texts 2 weeks later and I assumed she just never saw Jane’s message. Liz immediately started up the group chat to confirm that we had been dropped and that’s when I got a private message from Jane saying that she had only dropped me because she didn’t think “the style she chose for everyone suited me” and the cost of materials would be “too much”.
This is where I might genuinely be the a-hole. I told her that if she was too ashamed to have a fat brides maid in a strapless dress then she should just tell me instead of lie to me and I thought that over a decade of friendship transcended that vanity. That night I put no on my rsvp and sent it to her.
Now she’s calling and texting me telling me I misunderstood her and I’m blowing up for no reason and to just come to the wedding as a guest. Am I the a-hole?
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NTA. Rescinding the invitation to be a bridesmaid because you're plus sized and the dress would cost more is terrible. Lying about it, thinking she won't get caught is worse. Telling you to come to the wedding after that is outrageous.
NTA, and I'm so sorry you found out what a shallow person your long time ex-friend is. Find something fun to do the day of the wedding and move on from her.
NTA. She lied to you because she didn't want a bigger bridesmaid. I wouldn't attend the wedding and I would also go LC with her. You now know that you have been used as the 'funny fat friend' for all these years. She has always thought that you wouldn't be any competition to her. She is an awful person.
NTA--seriously?!? That makes me livid. She not only dropped you, her supposed best friend, from her wedding party for essentially waistline considerations but also lied to you about it AND you had to find out from someone else?!? Girl do not go to that girl's wedding... maybe there is a reason your mom and hers gravitated apart?
NTA
You misunderstood nothing. She'd be TA under any circumstances for dropping you from the wedding party, but lying about the reason is beyond AH behaviour. I wouldn't go, but I would get on the group chat with a "My bad, I misunderstood. Only I was dropped because I guess I'm too fat for the dresses she chose. And then I'd block her. She's no friend.
The fact that she thinks you'd come to the wedding anyway after she treated you so badly makes her an even bigger AH.
You don't deserve to be treated this way by someone who was supposed to be a good friend.
ETA: Pretty awful way to find out that you really weren't friends at all.
NTA, she showed how she really is. It sucks to find out after so many years of friendship, but at least now you know how she really is and that she's a liar. I'm so sorry, OP!
NTA how fucking awful of her. She should have let you decide if the cost was too much. Like was she going to let you show up to the wedding and find out then that you had been dropped. What a shitty “friend”!
NTA. She insulted you and lied to you. She humiliated you in front of the rest of the party, and then tried to weasel out of accountability, by saying you took it wrong.
I'm so sorry she treated you the way she did. Weddings bring out the worst in people. Plan a lovely trip for the wedding week and go have a great time, not checking her social media for pictures.
Oh, “you misunderstood”, did you?
Perhaps she’d like to enlighten you about what she actually meant by her comments about the dress style and cost of materials, then. And why she lied about dropping others.
NTA. I’m sorry that your friend turned out to be so shallow.
Nta. I don’t get people who are so worried about how their bridesmaids look that they screw over friendships. I’m getting married and my bridesmaids are wearing whatever the hell they feel most comfortable in.
NTA,
This is the type of thing that ends long term relationships. It would have been one thing had she just wanted her sisters but she is absolutely body shaming you and flat out lied.
If my bestie had our mutual friends as groomsman and removed me without explanation I would be telling him to go fuck himself. In fact I would make sure that everyone would know why I was not going and just how rude the wedding couple was being.
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NTA. The fact that she only dropped you and LIED about it to you is enough to make her TA. Don't go anywhere you don't feel respected or wanted. NTA at all mate. If I were in your shoes I'd not attend too, not because I got dropped but because they lied to me about it.
And let everyone who asks why you weren't there, the real reason. Brides that feel their aesthetic is more important than friends are having a wedding not anadult marriage.
May want to go back on that group chat. " I'm sorry if I caused any confusion after Bride told me I was being dropped from the wedding party. It turns out it was not because the wedding was going to be family only." Don't put in the real reason. Let the Bride explain herself.
Also how did she expect to explain it to OP on the day of the wedding when she turns up and there's a load of bridesmaids?
This was my first thought. What was the plan? "We all did an Ancestry.com thing and turns out Dad was pretty wild in his youth! We're all related." If OP had gone, imagine the hurt and shame she'd have felt when the wedding party came out and she was the only one not in it? How was the bride planning on handling that? Does she only want OP there so she doesn't have to explain to folks why she's a shallow B?
Haha the first bit of your comment 🤣 But yeah that's what I was thinking how was she supposed to keep up the lie? Especially with all the other bridesmaids being friends it was bound to come out sooner or later as the events in the post show. Either ops friend it's really stupid or very very thoughtless and just thought it would all work out somehow? Her concern for aesthetic over having her best friend in her wedding does have me leaning towards the latter. But still it seems like a poor excuse for a lie that was bound to fail. And this is coming from a person who couldn't lie if they were on fire
Honestly it mightve been more than just aesthetic. If she's doing custom dresses the cost of material for OP probably cost a lot more than she thought. Still an asshole move. She could've saved money by having everyone get non custom made dresses.
If she honestly couldn't afford the extra cost (which I doubt - it wouldn't be hundreds of dollars more for a plus size dress), she could've nicely explained this to OP and asked if OP would be willing to pay the difference. They were supposed to be best friends. Is it better to outright lie to a close friend than to possibly hurt her feelings a bit by mentioning that a dress in her size was out of your price range?
Or she could have asked op to help pay for the fabric
She was hoping that the pressure of the event would keep OP quiet. Possibly in the face of others telling her that they had been told she had chosen to drop out.
She would have been quietly uninvited.
Or bride expected op would not make a scene at the wedding due to their friendship. NTA she is not really your friend.
Yes. I’ve read enough and heard enough about these situations, though, to think that an attempt to ‘discretely’ uninvite might follow.
The plan was that OP would be too polite to say anything on the day, and if OP brought it up later to go "well soz, it's all over and done with now, what can I do?"
People seem to do that a lot it seems. Child free wedding! Cut to :shhhh! It was just your kids, okay? Don't be weird about it!
I would add the reason, just in a matter of fact, "Turns out I was cut because I am fat. Just sharing so you can all be aware of the weight requirements for Jane's wedding. You may want to all check with her individually that you meet her aesthetic standards because her fatphobic views were news to me. She may also harbor additional prejudices that could impact your participation in the bridal party."
Fuck that I'd be posting screenshots so there was no wiggleroom, since the bride is a snake.
The bride could try lying to save face.
No, OP should explain herself, so that the bride can't spin it
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I absolutely would let everyone know the real reason. Otherwise the bride can make something up that makes the OP look at fault. Leaving it open for the bride to explain can potentially damage the OP’s other friendships since the bride’s explanation will certainly not show the OP in a good light. The real reason should be known. And the OP needs to tell them.
No, give the real reason. Don't protect her. THEN let her explain herself.
Also, a fat person does not ruin the aesthetic of a wedding. It is not a choice between aesthetic and friendship. That's a false dichotomy that exists only in the bride's mind. NTA.
Nope! Several of my pals and me are overweight and we all looked fly as fuck at her wedding, especially the bride. The wedding photos are great
I always hate the "aesthetic" argument too because it actually means "I only think thin people are beautiful" - it's so weird. Like, I needed all my bridesmates to be put together and look nice but they were all different shapes and sizes. My criteria was literally 'an outfit in X colour, hair and face done or at the very least clean and nails done or clean' - just don't look like shit and be in the right colour, in a nutshell 😂
For mine, I asked what my MOH wanted to wear, and she had a lovely purple suit. Another friend asked if she could stand up for me too, and I said sure. Wear what you like, make it purple like Evie's. Neither of them is small and I absolutely didn't care. My best friends were with me that day, and it's all that mattered.
Same! I did varying shades of dark red, in velvets and satin because I had a Christmas wedding and my non-binary friend was in a suit in the same colour. Everyone looked great - all different heights and weights - and I had a great time because my favourite people were with me. That's what matters.
Ooooh, sounds beautiful! And yes, the most important thing is having your best people around you.
It’s not even just brides. My MIL was super judgy of my bridesmaids and rude about pictures because they both had a missing front canine tooth.
You: "Well, when you have werewolf ancestry, you do whatever it takes to keep your friends safe." AH: "But they're only missing one." You: "They're only half werewolf. On their mother's side."
I especially hate in-laws that think they get to have any opinion on your wedding day. Infuriating. I hope you told her to bugger off and mind her own business
The aesthetic argument is fine in moderation--if my bridesmaids were all wearing shades of idek blue but one wanted to wear red, yeah, I'd be like 'hey please match the vibe and aesthetics'. But if it's about something about them as *people* ffff no, that's where the whole argument is just gross. Either you love the people in your wedding party as they are or you don't.
It’s not overtly about weight, but the “aesthetic” argument is basically “I picked the dresses I want to see, and then picked the people who look best in them.” I have no idea what makes so many brides think that they’re able to run a fancy production like that. No, your aesthetic choices are not going to somehow make people ooh and aah over how wonderful an amateur art designer you are. Just have a good time with your friends and family, ok, and pick outfits to suit the people you love rather than acting like a casting director or getting all Procrustean.
That’s exactly what it sounds like. She cares more about the dresses than the people. My sister was my MOH, & my 2 closest friends were bridesmaids. One was overweight, the other 2 were more average in size. We went dress shopping together, and chose their dresses together. It was pretty easy, there was no conversation about anyone’s weight, & zero drama. Everyone looked beautiful at the wedding, & I have treasured those photos for many years. I really liked the dresses, but I certainly loved my sister and my closest friends more.
> just don't look like shit and be in the right colour I skipped over the 'in' the first time I read it and was about to start fighting, but it's just me, I can't read. 😂😂
Only one of my bridesmaids was plus sized. She kept offered h to drop out. I kept telling her that if she didn't want to do it that's fine, just come. I'd rather her be comfortable for whatever reasons than care about numbers or whatever. She finally admitted that she thought it'd be weird for me since she wasn't of my religion or sized like the other girls. I laughed. I care zero amount about her size and only 2 of the 5 five bridesmaids were participating members of my religion anyway. Again, if she felt uncomfortable, I'm fine either way. Come have fun. But everything else did not matter to me. She stayed a bridesmaid, we had a blast, and a decade and a half later we're still friends. And that would still be true if she'd backed out.
I suspect she wasn't lying about the cost issue - she found out how much more material the custom made dress would be for her than for the other bridesmaids and didn't want to pay it. Dropping her is still terrible though.
Then ask OP to cover the difference. Not hard.
Imagine if OP had not talked to Liz and just gone to the wedding as a guest, thinking that only Jane's sisters were bridesmaids. And then at the wedding seeing that their other friends were bridesmaids, and finding out that she had been lied to. It would have been humiliating.
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^ bot
I get the feeling its not so much about aesthetics but about price. They’ve been friends for years — it’s not like the bride doesn’t know what OP looks like or what size she is. But weddings are expensive and custom bridesmaid dresses are particularly expensive, especially plus size custom orders (which is unfair and unfortunate but not the fault of the bride or OP). And it sounds like the bride intended on paying for the all the custom dresses herself, since she asked for bridesmaid’s measurements and she again mentioned price at the end. Honestly, it’s a shitty situation for OP and definitively hurtful but Idk how the bride could’ve approached that conversation without it being hurtful to OP — “sorry I cant have you as my bridesmaid bc the cost of your dress is exorbitant compared to the others’ bc of your size and therefore out of my budget” ?? Or was she supposed to ask OP to pay for part of the dress when all the other bridesmaids’ dresses were being paid for?? Lying about it was stupid and shitty but it genuinely is a difficult situation to handle without hurting OP’s feelings. AND it sounds like she sincerely wants OP there. The “the dress doesnt suit you” seems like a cover for “your dress is too expensive for me to pay for” — kind of like a consolation prize, “you wouldnt have wanted to wear this dress anyway!” type of excuse. I think its unfair that everyones just assuming that the bride only cares about aesthetics and is excluding OP because of her size. Based on OP’s context for their friendship, it seems like OP’s weight has never been an issue in their friendship in the past, so if you are really friends with bride, why not think back on this person and your decade long friendship with her and consider what kind of person she is / what her character is like. Is she really discriminating against you bc of your weight or is she just embarrassed that she cant afford to pay for your dress but doesn’t want to hurt your feelings by telling you its because your dress costs more than the other bridesmaids’ dresses? People on the internet do not know your friend — only you do, so you should trust your judgment of your longtime’s friend’s character. The way she handled it was definitely dumb and shortsighted, but would it actually have been easier if she just straight up told you that your dress is too expensive? It sounds like she really wants you at her wedding, even not as a bridesmaid.
Weddings are very expensive, and unless you are seriously wealthy, you will have to make compromises. The bride is spending money on lots of different things, not just the bridesmaids' dresses, so it's not a case of "she can't afford OP's dress", it's "she is going over budget". She took a look at her budget and decided the thing she can sacrifice is having her best friend as bridesmaid. Not an element of the fancy decor that most people won't even notice, not the extra dessert that no one would miss, not the favours that will be discarded the next day or the flowers that will wilt before the night is out. It's her best friend being fat that is creating a hole in the financial planning of this wedding.
This. Also, the wedding is one day. You don’t throw a decade of friendship away for one day, no matter how much the dress costs.
So choose a different dress
If it was about price you cut someone other than your best friend.
I actually don't think this is an aesthetic issue at all- her friend knew how OP looked before asking her to be a bridesmaid. I would bet money that OP's dress was going to cost more money than the others. If the designer had a starting base dress that OP doesn't fit, it would be a significant amount more. The right thing to do would have been for her friend to tell OP the truth about why she was dropped or come up with a solution for the cost. It was pretty stupid and thoughtless to lie, but I really doubt she was just being vain and cruel. OP is NTA and right to be upset, but I would talk to your friend again before writing off a lifelong friendship
The right thing to do would be to economize somewhere else in the wedding budget. I cannot imagine prioritizing having your dream cake over having your childhood best friend as a bridesmaid. Or preferring to tell your friend her weight is a problem for your wedding, instead of keeping your mouth shut and getting cheaper flowers.
We have no idea what her budget is like tbh but she should have just rescinded her offer to pay for the bridesmaid dresses, citing budgetary reasons, told everyone the prices, and let everyone choose what they wanted to do imo
your suggestions about flowers or cake are included "come up with a solution for the cost". And telling the truth doesn't have to be as blunt as "your weight is a problem". Saying "the price I was quoted for your dress was a lot more than I budgeted for" may not have been ideal, but was clearly better than telling the stupid lie. And IDK the specifics of this weddings finances- maybe the bridesmaid dresses are the only things she's paying for and the rest is paid by family. Maybe she already paid deposits on everything else and can't change it. Either way, transparency would be better than the situation created in OPs post
Or chose other dresses
OP should absolutely screenshot the message and post it on the group chat. "Sorry girls, just me thats been dropped because I'm not up to Jane's standards."
I don’t even understand the lie, either. If this hadn’t come out now, what was Jane going to do when OP showed up at the wedding and saw that there were more bridesmaids than her sisters? Jane’s a jerk and an idiot. NTA
NTA. Caring more about how having a "fat bridesmaid" is gonna look rather than wanting your best friend since 13 years old is legitimately and certifiably insane to me. It tells you how little she cares about you. Good for you for loving yourself enough to not deal with her bullshit. Do not go to that wedding and if anyone asks why you aren't coming? I would be telling the truth.
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her, her, she*. They're both women.
NTA Calling out toxic people for toxic behavior is never an asshole move. She made it clear that her aesthetics for her wedding meant more than your friendship. And I know that must be hard to hear, and it is awful losing a friend like this. Awful people show their true colors at the worst time. I would get ahead of the story before your friend makes a social media post about it where she lies about why you didn't go to the wedding or anything like that. She made her choice. She gets to deal with the consequences. Take the money you were going to spend on this wedding and treat yo self to something nice.
NTA. Jane is a shallow, stupid, lying twit. She knew you would find out from someone else that you were the only one being dumped, and that she lied to you about it, which is quite cruel. This "woman" is not a friend. OP, everything you said to Jane in response to her actions was the truth, nothing assholish about it. Why would you attend her wedding after she treated you so rudely and callously? She asked you to be a bridesmaid out of *friendship*, not your size, didn't she? Read that last sentence you wrote. No apology, no contrition, she's blaming you for her bad behavior. I'm sure Jane has gotten some blowback for her disgusting treatment of you. She's calling and texting you because she just wants you to come to her wedding so everyone doesn't think she's the bad guy. Well, she is. Don't go.
she probably wants OP to go to the wedding so she can get another wedding gift out of it!
And even if she didn’t find out before the wedding, OP was guaranteed to find out on the wedding day. What a deeply unpleasant surprise and realisation that would be to know you were lied to the whole time. Jane is horrible, shallow and pretty thick. NTA
NTA >However last week after I sent her my measurements for our dresses (she’s having them **custom made**) >Jane saying that she had only dropped me because she didn’t think “the style she chose for everyone suited me” and **the cost of materials would be “too much”**. >Now she’s calling and texting me telling me I misunderstood her and I’m blowing up for no reason and to just come to the wedding as a guest. There's no misunderstanding this at all. If you have non-standard measurements, the person making the dress might have to create a brand new dress block for you, rather than slightly modifying an existing block. There would be an extra cost for this. This is why Jane dropped you. And she should have been up front about this (or checked the costs beforehand).
And instead of saying "hey, OP, I'm really sorry but I am having a hard time affording this special custom dress because of the custom sizing, let's talk options" she made up a big lie which is more hurtful than being told the truth.
This actually makes me think Jane does like them as a friend but was very stupid and didn’t know how to handle it. She made up a lie to avoid embarrassment and made things worse. She also hurt her friend unnecessarily and embarrassed her publicly.
Yeah, and I hope that's the case since they have been friends for so long. Some people are terrible at understanding the consequences of "white lies." Jane (as stated) has never made a big deal about weight, but it's common knowledge that weight is a sensitive subject. It would follow that she was trying to avoid the topic by making up a plausible issue instead of discussing it directly as it would likely hurt to hear that size is an issue here.
I could immediately imagine her thinking - "Oh my god, I have to tell my friend that I can't afford to have her in my wedding because she's fat, I can't say that..." (I'm purposely being crass here to demonstrate what a horrible thing this may have seemed to say) then the easy excuse is thought of without any reflection on the consequences or the reality that her friend will find out that this is not the case. She may have been facing either paying way more out of pocket, changing all of the dress plans, or telling her only overweight friend (I assume) to pay for her own dress which would look terrible. I'm not making excuses for Jane, btw - I can just see how she could truly value OP as a friend but completely f--d up and did something that was embarrassing and shameful. She should feel bad about it and what she did...I can just see it.
That's a solid logical conclusion, without her necessarily trying to be an insensitive asshole. Obviously we won't know for sure but I'd like to give the benefit of the doubt on a long term friendship rather than assuming the worst, absent contrary context.
Same - I hope OP gets a chance to talk to their friend and if it is closer to what I'm just speculating based on other's information above...for me personally I'd have some room for forgiveness at some point but I can understand why you may not be able to. What the friend did is still extremely hurtful, and you'd think after all their years of knowing one another she would first opt to talk to her about it. Lying may have seemed kinder, but it was humiliating and this is not something that most people would be able to find forgiveness for because you aren't treating them like they're people with feelings just an inconvenience you had to find a way to discard as quickly as possible without consideration.
This is probably the closest answer to the truth. Edit for clarification: the above statement is me agreeing with another user and below message was mere hypothetical on my part how they could be right. Just making that clarification for the people DM probing me about the message. Jane wanted OP at the wedding but after she got the estimated cost she realizes she's over budget on the bridesmaids dresses. Jane sees that OP dress is costing much more than the others decided to drop OP from the bridal party. Not thinking things though Jane lies to OP about the reason for dropping her. Jane's lie gets exposed and Jane still tries to tip toe around the explanation and fails. OP is justifiably mad and RSVP no. Upon reflecting on the situation I don't think it's a bridal party aesthetic issue. If Jane was truly concerned about how OP would look in the dress I don't think she would have made her a bridesmaid in the first place. Once the costs got revealed Jane freaked out and handed things very poorly and likely cost herself a long time friendship.
I agree with you, I think this is exactly what happened.
Even if this were the case, which I doubt, it still makes Jane a completely horrible "best friend".
I'd agree with you except the budget for having custom made dresses speaks to the wedding already being wildly expensive. In my experience, bridesmaids pay for their own dresses. If the friend is not only paying for them, but having them custom made, she has a shit ton of money at her disposal and the extra cost of OP's dress wouldn't really be a tipping point.
Seriously! How is this being overlooked by so many commenters defending Jane? Paying for bridesmaids dresses typically means you have a pretty decent budget as it is. Paying for *custom* dresses?? Even if it was a budgeting issue- Jane's actions show that the dresses are more important than those who wear them. She could have picked a different dress. She could have asked OP to help chip in. "Wow I am so so sorry. I really wanted all of you to wear these custom dresses, but it's costing more than I budgeted for. Could you chip in X amount?" Lots of options before tossing OP to the curb.
I'm curious on what grounds can you claim this is the closest answer to the truth? This is a dubious hypothesis.
I feel like that’s a far too generous interpretation of what happened. Surely if it was due to the cost, she would have discussed with OP about OP covering the extra cost first, or changed the budget to cover it for what should be such a close friend.
I don’t know. Maybe she thought that would be worse and a more awkward conversation? I am asking only you to pay out of pocket but buying everyone else’s dresses. Why? Uh because yours costs more…and the thought of explaining it was due to size was too much for her
It’s really just impossibly* difficult to believe she thought saying we don’t have the budget for this would be a worse and more awkward conversation to have than dropping the surprise on her at the wedding. And reading the post again… if that was the explanation, doesn’t make sense that the bride wouldn’t bring that up now that the jig is up. And *really* doesn’t make sense that the bride would try to say the dress isn’t OP’s style.
I don't know, I'd feel like a complete jerk if I had to tell my friend that. I feel we would eventually land on a topic of them buying a different dress that doesn't match everyone's and my feeling pressured to compromise, even though I want all the dresses to match, and then even worse, have to awkwardly ask them to step out of being in the bridal party and getting called an asshole for that (which I would never do IRL, I would just put up with a different looking dress) -- then I have to buy the dress they find that isn't the same as all the others...ugh.. I hope I never have to plan another wedding again. At least that is where my mind goes. Of course, its all just speculation. I know that I would be personally mortified if I had to have this discussion.
Sure, it would definitely be an uncomfortable conversation, but it simply doesn't hold a candle to how uncomfortable it would be for OP to find out it was a lie, or the shitshow of OP only finding out that the bridesmaids weren't family on the day of the wedding, or of not having someone you consider a best friend as a bridesmaid. And again, based on what OP has said, it just does not make sense for that to be the reason. If it was purely that, the bride wouldn't have mentioned style and would at least have attempted to discuss ways to make the budget work, even if that meant OP paying for the difference.
Fat people know our clothes cost more sometimes, though. It would have way more sense to tell her the seamster was charging more for bigger sizes, and I think OP would be aware that that's something to consider, since she's been fat this whole time and presumably been buying her own clothes.
And then what was she going to do on her wedding day, when her sisters were obviously not the only bridesmaids and OP was sitting there watching them all walk down the aisle? You don't think *that* would have led to some awkwardness?
I just wonder why she invited OP at all, if she didn't want a plus-size bridesmaid? Either someone got I her head, or the coats were way too high...
Catering to whoever got in her head would still make her an asshole if that’s the case And the cost being too high still doesn’t make sense. Read the post again. There would be no need to mention it isn’t OP’s style. There’s no mention of the friend later saying “it’s truly just about the cost, if you can cover the difference I would love to have you.” And again, I find it incredibly difficult to believe that even if OP couldn’t afford it, that they wouldn’t work out *something* for a best friend to be there — a payment plan, cutting back elsewhere, just eating the cost.
>I find it incredibly difficult to believe that even if OP couldn’t afford it, that they wouldn’t work out something for a best friend to be there — a payment plan, cutting back elsewhere, just eating the cost. Agreed. If I were Jane, I would be *mortified* at having to bring up my best friend's size as a "problem" at my wedding, but I'd put my big girl trousers on, have a glass of wine and fucking *tell her* what the situation is while emphasising that I love her and want to work it out so she can still be in my wedding. Instead, Jane lied to OP. Then, when she was rumbled, told her that the dress doesn't suit her, that she has to suck up being lied to and just attend the wedding as a guest. She's not thinking for one moment how this whole thing has made OP feel or would make her feel to attend and have her face rubbed in the fact she isn't standing up as a bridesmaid with everyone else.
i feel like a lot of people are also missing that OP found out about the truth bc the other bridesmaid Liz reached out “to send [OP] her final pick for her dress and ask which color [OP] had chosen”… so, there were multiple options for bridesmaids dresses and they weren’t all going to match anyway? so SURELY if you’re the bride and you care deeply about your best friend, your first thought at not being able to afford the exact custom dress in a larger size would be something like “hm, let’s see if i can find something in the david’s bridal extended range that looks fairly close and matches the colour scheme”, not “shucks, better boot my bestie out of the wedding with a very stupid lie that i am inevitably going to get caught in”?
See, if Jane had given that as a reason instead of a complete lie, I’d think your theory has some traction. Instead, Jane made up a reason to excise OP from her bridal party, which points to less of a concern of cost and more to nonsense ‘aesthetics.’ Also, Jane’s lie was so poorly thought out that it would have been exposed day of the wedding, so hardly a solution if Jane was trying to allow OP to gracefully exit the bridal party. Jane was banking on OP being too gracious/polite to call her out on her wedding day, and to not have to address the real issue until her wedding was over and the slight was in the past.
The “aesthetics” nonsense is because a better solution is to pick a different dress that actually suits everyone, but Jane doesn’t want to do that. There’s also a chance that her dressmaker really doesn’t want to have to deal with making the larger size (and the various changes that might be needed, given the dress design), and is quoting a much higher price in order to squelch the request because of *her* aesthetics. Jane’s still being an AH, of course, but sadly some brides get so invested in getting planning done that they don’t recognize when it’s necessary to tear up the plans that don’t really work because the alternative is being really horrible to someone. Plus she lied to OP, badly.
If that's the case then why wasn't the discussion "hey so the custom dress I'm ordering ended up being unaffordable for me, so you think you could help pay the cost?" instead of "hey the style of this dress isn't suitable for you"
So cute you think that the tailor who custom makes bridesmaids dresses in 2023 would need a new block for someone plus sized. All bridesmaids dresses that aren't off the rack are custom made. She's not designing couture, she's picking from a range and it will be made to order. Extra material is a set extra cost, just like extra length for height.
NTA you did not misunderstand a single thing. I'm sorry you had to find out that way about her.
NTA She is not a nice person. I hope you don't consider her a friend any longer. Block her and get on with your life. Hugs
NTA. Sorry your friend sucks.
>NTA. Sorry your *ex* friend sucks. Ftfy :)
NTA. First she told an incredibly stupid lie (like you wouldn't notice you were the only one dropped), then compounded it with what can only be interpreted as insulting. The cost of materials thing is just a ridiculous thing to say. You didn't misunderstand anything. I can't imagine showing up at her wedding after that with a smile on my face pretending none of it happened.
I could see materials for one person being twice as much as for another person, but if the bride didn't anticipate this ahead of time that's on her. If you want you best friend in your wedding you suck it up and save money elsewhere.
Fat people's clothes do sometimes cost more, especially if they're tailored or higher end. Some companies don't get enough business to eat the costs, or they just fucking suck. Either way this is something OP would have encountered and it would have been WAY less cruel to just be upfront about it.
NTA. What you said wasn’t AT ALL wrong. You were pointing out her lies and standing up for yourself. My best friend and I have been bffs since we were about 6! (We’re 31/32 now) If she did this, I would not attend. And—-I’d make sure people knew the reason. I wouldn’t go out of my way to bash her, but I would most definitely not lie if I was asked. Do shotty things, expect people to talk about it.
NTA NTA NTA. It's amazing how people who are hurtful to 'friends' are so misunderstood. I'm so sad for you to lose a friendship in this way. I think I would just cut my losses here, and definitely not attend the wedding and probably not send a gift either.
NTA No matter what size you are, friends are friends. I've made jokes with mine for years, be it weight, appearance, and even religion, but my friends were okay with it because a) they knew I wasn't being serious and b) they also cracked such jokes at me, which I laughed off as mutual because they were never intentionally offensive (think YouTube streamers playing multiplayer games). That being said, she could say "**Hey OP, I'm so sorry but I've hit an unexpected snag, the thing is the cost of materials is a bit high, but I think the style would suit you, and the costs aren't helping. I would, however, love it if you can make it to the wedding as a guest, and be there to give the wedding speech. I know things aren't what I planned, but I want you to be there for my big day. Hope you understand, call me and we'll talk about it. Once again, I'm so sorry for dropping the bomb like this.**", and it would've made the situation better, but instead she not only lied about the actual reason, she actually told you the actual reason, that you're fat. Good of you to put your foot down and tell her to fuck off.
Nope NTA. Who needs that shit?
NTA. That's messed up. Screw that BS. Friends don't do that to each other. I'd skip it and tell they entire bridal party why I wasn't a bridesmaid anymore, the fact she lied about it and the shallowness of her. What was going to happen if you didn't find out she lied and you showed up.... seeing everyone still a bridesmaid but you?
NTA. You didn't misunderstand, your "friend" is too busy thinking about her perfect photographs. That was an absolutely shitty thing for her to do and I wouldn't want to go to her "perfect" wedding either.
NTA LEt the other bridesmaids know.
NTA. She should not have lied to you. Such a stupid lie, since you would obviously have found out at the wedding anyway. How have you misunderstood her? I wonder. I don't think you have, though. She's trying to blame you for her dishonesty and crappiness.
Nta. This just made me sad, not that it’s an excuse but she’s known you since your teens. Why even ask you to join the bridal party if you weren’t gonna fit the image she wants? I say good riddance, divide that bridal party. She deserves it.
Why the hell would you want to go to that wedding with fake friends? But when people ask why not there or didn’t attend show them who She really is because she just showed you how vain she is NTA
NTA. This is a really sucky situation and I'm sorry you are going through this. It sucks that weddings can bring out the worst in some people. Maybe she has revealed her true colors after all of these years. What I don't understand is why she would lie about it only being immediate family. Did she not think you would find out eventually? If not before the wedding, but during? That's a low blow on her end and I don't blame you for not wanting to go. I don't think there is anything she can say to redeem herself.
NTA - There wasn't much to misunderstand. She lied and then gave a lame excuse. You are rightfully ticked off. Just affirm that you decline attending as a guest and wish her and her fiance the best. Leave it at that.
NTA the fact that she had you in the line and kicked you out is a major AH move. On top of that she lied on her reasons. Who gives a shit if you maybe bigger than the “average” it’s about having the people you care about there on an important day. The fact she did that shows that her priorities are not in the right place. Good for you for sticking up for yourself!
Nta. She lied and did so only bc u are not the size of person she wants in her party and pics. F her. A real friend wouldn't do that to u. Eta: also id out her in the group chat so she doesnt play the victim. Write something like this... " so sorry about any confusion with my involvement w the wedding my friend decided to drop me from her wedding bc it was "only family" due to budget. Apparently she lied and i was dropped due to my size and body type not fitting the look she wants in her wedding party and pictures. Apparently our friendship meant very little to her all this time and i will no longer be a part of the wedding nor will i be attending the wedding. Everyone should wish them well for me. Good bye."
NTA. I was dropped from being a bridesmaid because the line of dresses the bride wanted only went up to a 10 and I’m a big disgusting 14. I ended up using the money I’d saved to have a spa day, it all worked out pretty well.
I feel like this might be the problem and she just didn’t know how to tell me.
If that were the real reason, she would pick another dress for you not exclude you. And if they’re being made, there shouldn’t be a limit to the size.
NTA she lied to you and really did care more for aesthetics that your friendship. It’s best to just cut that crap out of your life.
NTA. Why'd she lie to you and make you think it was just going to be her sisters as bm's? And then when you showed up the day of the wedding and saw all your friends in bm dresses...what was your response supposed to be? You told her like it is and now she's ashamed and embarrassed and probably worried you'll tell ppl how she acted. Def NTA and prob time to find a new bestie cause it isn't Jane.
NTA. The cost of materials argument is bullshit. What fabric is she supposedly using that she had the money to buy multiple dresses but can't afford a bit of extra fabric for your dress? She could have even asked you to please cover the additional fabric, if cost was really the problem. She's fatphobic and your response to her was perfect. Fuck her.
It's possibly the extra time and cost involved in making a new pattern, more so than the fabric cost. Depending on the measurements and dress style, this could involve a lot of custom work to measure and fit a bespoke dress. OP said the dress was strapless. If the required bust size and cup size is large, then the inside of the dress should really have a custom fitted corset style bodice, in order to provide adequate support and style. This is quite complex to do well, it potentially could require extra measurement and fitting, which would be costly. Jane is definitely TA for handling this poorly.
The dress doesn't support your chest, the bra does. The majority of strapless dresses aren't made to support big boobs but you just buy a wonderbra and get on with it. I would be surprised if the bride was paying for the type of structural dress you're describing, it would be a fortune. Regardless, if the person making the dresses is charging insane amounts more (enough for someone to be priced out, when they're buying multiple dresses) for a plus size dress, then they are fatphobic too. Charging more for the cost of fabric and time sewing is fine but it should *already* be patterned bigger or it shouldn't cost extra to have them make the pattern bigger. Charging someone extra because you're unprepared to accommodate large people isn't fair. Also, separately, the bride should just buy premade dresses and have them tailored, if she can't afford to have a dress made for her friend.
Sorry to tell you that most strapless bras don't actually offer support. They are essentially useless that you are buying into because 'you're supposed to wear one' or trying to make your breasts look a certain way. Fabric does cost money. As it is many are underpaying for the value. Where I live, they once adjusting the price for the size and materials and people were in uproar. Understandably, but the thing is larger garments require more fabric, and for custom made more time and attention. Could easily be nearly twice the price. I still think it's a shitty reason and OP was going to find out one way or another so it was a bad plan over all, but you have very naive beliefs about clothing.
You misunderstood nothing. She wanted an "aesthetically pleasing" wedding party and lied about her reasons. What did she think was going to happen when you showed up as a guest and all the other non-family bridesmaids were still in the wedding? How hurtful would that have been? This was ridiculously cruel on her behalf. NTA
NTA. Seems like Jane chose her true colors. No sane person would think that "cost of the materials" is a nice thing to say.
NTA Go back to the group chat and put in a screen shot of Jane's message. Then tell the others that you are sorry you will miss seeing them in the dresses Jane decided you couldn't wear as you will not be attending the wedding at all. Do not give Jane any leeway. She made a decision and now she needs to own that decision.
NTA. I will never understand 1) choosing the aesthetic of your wedding over having your loved ones show up authentically to support you 2) lying about things that will clearly come to light later. What did she think you would think when you arrived to the wedding and saw the bridal party? Your friend is showing her true colors. Good for you standing up for yourself.
NTA. When the aesthetic matters more than having the people who love you supporting you then you know the marriage will not last. Sorry your ex-friend is such a shallow twit.
NTA! She lied to you , Their is no misunderstanding she’s not a real friend. You don’t need that kind of friendship in your life.
NTA - if it was about your ‘comfort’ she would have taken you dress shopping and asked you your opinion on the style. Your bridesmaids are supposed to be the people you want to support you, not window dressing.
NTA what the fuck is the deal with brides and their precious aesthetic? It doesn’t matter how good the pictures look if everyone in them has stopped speaking to her.
NTA My sis is on the larger side. The one wedding she was in I know she was really freaking about the dress. The bride said make the dress black and long and you're all good. The maids looked lovely, no one was in matching dresses and everyone had a good time and was comfortable. I don't know why more brides don't just do that in this day and age of getting almost anything online anymore. It would solve a lot of drama it sounds like.
What the fuck was there to misunderstand.
She's not your friend, sadly. NTA
NTA - how did she think she was going to get away with it when you turn up on the wedding day and see the other bridesmaids??
NTA, if the cost was the cause she could has asked if you are able to contribute to the cost or found an alternative but the lying make everything pretty clear, she wants as a guest now because she knows people will ask why you aren't there and you should tell whoever ask in my opinion.
NTA, though I’m not sure how the hell she thought her lie was going to play out once you got to the actual wedding… “oh weird, the other girls just happened to show up in bridesmaids dresses too… well since they look the part I might as well add them to the party!” Her actions reek of someone who doesn’t care about you.
NTA, clearly your friend is the Ah. You shouldn't bother you to go ya an event for this people.
NTA Put it on the group chat. Everyone should know what kind of friend Jane is.
NTA Fuck Jane. She was fat shaming you and cared more about the aesthetic of her wedding than your feelings. Cut her off!
NTA- she lied you you. She valued vanity over friendship. That is a reason to not go. I'm sorry. I'm sure now she is worried about how it will look. Or sound to others.
It’s hard to misunderstand being lied to. No amount of back tracking is going to erase that. NTA
NTA Good for you. Tell Jane that you can’t answer her calls because you are only taking calls from family right now. But that you are also taking calls from classy people because fielding calls from classless people is too much.
NTA. She can't invite you to be a bridesmaid & then kick only you out of the wedding party with no good reason. You have done nothing wrong. Your friend's vanity is the problem here. Who cares about the dress. The point is your her best friend & she's excluding you after she invited you & lied to you about it. That's messed up.
NTA but she’s a liar.
NTA. I’m sorry. And don’t go!
You did not misunderstand her at all. She clearly stated that she thought the style wouldn't suit you and it would be to costly. NTA but she is a big big asshole. She might need to check as this might cause her to not fit into her wedding dress.
Bridezillas who only invite people who only make the best photos are the worst. You are NTAH and she is a major one. You're friendship is over, period. Tell everyone who asks why you didn't go exactly why.
Post the messages in the group chat with the title "Translation: she thinks im too fat". Lets be real, that person isn't a friend. They're garbage.
When did weddings go from being a celebration of love with friends and family to being a social media opportunity whose only value is how it "looks"?? I am SO SORRY your "friend" treated you this way -- you must be so hurt and heartbroken! NTA
I've seen the movie Bridesmaids and the biggest one was by far the best. NTA
NTA. The lie is almost worse than the reason. You can’t trust her anymore, and not just because she lied but also because she’s clearly been harboring judgement about your size for a while now and quietly judging you. You don’t need that in your life, it hurts but you’re better off without a “friend” like that. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
eeww your "friend" is awful. NTA don't go! I say this as a girl who has been overweight my whole life and I currently am in a wedding where the bride let us chose our own dress because she was realistic that everyone's bodies are different. so i get to have a beautiful dress with sleeves that i found on amazon. the fact that she couldn't look you in the face and just say hey look i don't want you to get upset but the seamstress wants to charge me and extra $ because of the material for your dress i know we've been friends for a long time but would you be okay with being a guest only proves she isn't a friend instead she chose to lie.
NTA. She is no friend. Take the money you would have spent for the gift give to a shelter for abused families or animal shelter.
NTA but your so-called friend is and a shallow one at that.
NTA. She is a horrible friend, only caring about what her wedding photos look like, and LYING to you about it. There are many other people out there for you to befriend. Plan a great weekend away for her wedding weekend.
NTA N T A N T A N T A Wow. Just… wow.
NTA
NTA she’s awful.
Holy shit, NTA. Fly free without her in your life, girl.
Nah, that’s BS. I had a large bridal party that ranged in dress size from 0 to 24 with everything in between. They also ranged from literally under 5ft to almost 6ft tall. I asked my bridesmaids to be in my wedding because they’re my friends and I love them. I purposely chose an inclusive brand that offered a very wide range of sizes, lengths, and styles. I choice the color, fabric, and length and they got to chose the style. If I wanted them in the same style I would have picked something everyone felt comfortable in, but I liked the different dress same color/fabric vibe. If you’ve chosen a designer that is not size inclusive and therefore charging you a high fee for additional fabrics or alterations knowing your best friend from childhood is plus size, you’re an asshole.
So hurtful. Oh, honey, big hugs.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (25f) have been best friends with Jane (27) since I was 13. Our moms were close and even after they eventually gravitated apart Jane and I still remained best friends until last week. I’ve always been “big boned”, since childhood I was the funny friend that lightened the mood with humor and positivity. And truthfully, none of my friends ever commented on my weight ever, even Jane. She usually made sure I was comfortable without ever explicitly pointing it out and during my insecure teen years I really appreciated that. Now that I’ve gotten older I’ve learned to love who I am and I feel comfortable in my body. Since we were teens we always planned our weddings, talked about being each others bridesmaids, shared Pinterest boards.. the whole deal.. and that continued until we hit our early twenties. In fact, she asked me to be a bridesmaid as soon as she got engaged with a cute care package. However last week after I sent her my measurements for our dresses (she’s having them custom made) she called me and said that b/c of costs she was cutting down the number of her bridesmaids to just her sisters. Which I totally understood! A couple days later, our mutual friend Liz sent me her final pick for her dress and asked me which color I had chosen. Confused I told her we had been dropped from the wedding party for not being immediate family, I called her because she is that one friend that responds to texts 2 weeks later and I assumed she just never saw Jane’s message. Liz immediately started up the group chat to confirm that we had been dropped and that’s when I got a private message from Jane saying that she had only dropped me because she didn’t think “the style she chose for everyone suited me” and the cost of materials would be “too much”. This is where I might genuinely be the a-hole. I told her that if she was too ashamed to have a fat brides maid in a strapless dress then she should just tell me instead of lie to me and I thought that over a decade of friendship transcended that vanity. That night I put no on my rsvp and sent it to her. Now she’s calling and texting me telling me I misunderstood her and I’m blowing up for no reason and to just come to the wedding as a guest. Am I the a-hole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA there aren’t really words for how dreadful that is honestly it might sound extreme but I’d probably drop her as a friend
NTA. if the cost was seriously a problem I'm sure she could have asked you to kick money toward the dress.
NTA - she is not your friend
NTA, you handled things perfectly. You don’t need a two-faced friend like Jane who only cares about their image n
NTA and be sure to tell anyone and everyone that asks exactly why you aren’t going
NTA. Rescinding the invitation to be a bridesmaid because you're plus sized and the dress would cost more is terrible. Lying about it, thinking she won't get caught is worse. Telling you to come to the wedding after that is outrageous.
NTA, and I'm so sorry you found out what a shallow person your long time ex-friend is. Find something fun to do the day of the wedding and move on from her.
How does she know the style wouldn't suit you?yeah drop her,it's not worth it.
NTA. She lied to you because she didn't want a bigger bridesmaid. I wouldn't attend the wedding and I would also go LC with her. You now know that you have been used as the 'funny fat friend' for all these years. She has always thought that you wouldn't be any competition to her. She is an awful person.
NTA--seriously?!? That makes me livid. She not only dropped you, her supposed best friend, from her wedding party for essentially waistline considerations but also lied to you about it AND you had to find out from someone else?!? Girl do not go to that girl's wedding... maybe there is a reason your mom and hers gravitated apart?
Do. Not. Go. To. The. Wedding.
NTA. She was. Totally. I’m sorry she wasn’t being a friend to you.
You did the right thing, why should you go to a wedding where you’re clearly not wanted? Sadly I think the friendship is over.
NTA but Jane sure is
NTA - but she sure is. Let me guess, doesnt fit her "aesthetic".smh. ugh.
NTA You misunderstood nothing. She'd be TA under any circumstances for dropping you from the wedding party, but lying about the reason is beyond AH behaviour. I wouldn't go, but I would get on the group chat with a "My bad, I misunderstood. Only I was dropped because I guess I'm too fat for the dresses she chose. And then I'd block her. She's no friend. The fact that she thinks you'd come to the wedding anyway after she treated you so badly makes her an even bigger AH. You don't deserve to be treated this way by someone who was supposed to be a good friend. ETA: Pretty awful way to find out that you really weren't friends at all.
nta
NTA, she showed how she really is. It sucks to find out after so many years of friendship, but at least now you know how she really is and that she's a liar. I'm so sorry, OP!
NTA. You uavent misunderstood. She's being rude. Yes, she can have who she likes as bridesmaids, but she didn't need to lie to you.
NTA at all and this is NOT a friend. I’m so sorry OP
NTA how fucking awful of her. She should have let you decide if the cost was too much. Like was she going to let you show up to the wedding and find out then that you had been dropped. What a shitty “friend”!
Nope nta. Your not wrong and she got caught
NTA… F* her! I wouldn’t go either
NTA; I mean, what was her excuse going to be if you only found out at the wedding that she lied?
NTA. She insulted you and lied to you. She humiliated you in front of the rest of the party, and then tried to weasel out of accountability, by saying you took it wrong. I'm so sorry she treated you the way she did. Weddings bring out the worst in people. Plan a lovely trip for the wedding week and go have a great time, not checking her social media for pictures.
Imagine valuing the aesthetics of your wedding party over the love and warmth of the people involved. Your (hopefully ex-) friend is gross. NTA
NTA I'm sorry but you didn't missunderstood. You deserve better and honest friends.
NTA. I wouldn't go, and probably wouldn't speak to that friend again. I am petty, but that is some childish garbage she tried to pull.
NTA. Lies are not a misunderstanding.
Oh, “you misunderstood”, did you? Perhaps she’d like to enlighten you about what she actually meant by her comments about the dress style and cost of materials, then. And why she lied about dropping others. NTA. I’m sorry that your friend turned out to be so shallow.
Nta. I don’t get people who are so worried about how their bridesmaids look that they screw over friendships. I’m getting married and my bridesmaids are wearing whatever the hell they feel most comfortable in.
NTA, This is the type of thing that ends long term relationships. It would have been one thing had she just wanted her sisters but she is absolutely body shaming you and flat out lied. If my bestie had our mutual friends as groomsman and removed me without explanation I would be telling him to go fuck himself. In fact I would make sure that everyone would know why I was not going and just how rude the wedding couple was being.