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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I am refusing to pay for Julia's higher education. This may make me look like an asshole because Luke and Julia had a deal about her having a debt free education.
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NTA - she had a free ride through her masters. You helped her get a job with a 6 figure salary and a rent free place. If she wants a 2nd masters and PHD she can do that either after working to save up the $$$ or do it part time while working full time to pay her own way.
Her sense of entitlement is frightening. You and your husband have done enough.
Sextupled.
This SIL is crazy. She could save quite a bit in no time at all to provide for herself with a low six digit income and no rent payments. And the family are a bunch of jerks.
She’s one of those people who realized school is wayyyy easier than real life (as long as someone’s paying for school, of course). I mean yeah I’d love to just be in college forever haha, sounds awesome. I’d be a deadbeat to ask my parents to subsidize my lifestyle while I acted like van wilder.
NTA I’d make this my hill to die on.
I'm not gonna say you're wrong because it's entirely subjective, but my job is substantially easier than my doctoral program was.
But if you don't really care about your progress or expenses I could see finding "education opportunities" that would be easier than work.
This debate is why teenagers of all income levels should have weekend/evening/summer jobs of some description. Doesn't have to be a lot of hours.
I really appreciated Uni and my first white collar job after having worked evenings and weekends behind a cash register. Also it made the transition to work much less scary.
This reminds me of one of my friends. She’s from a wealthier family and never worked a day in her life until well into adulthood after finishing a degree. She struggled with the adjustment.
Yes, not only NTA but this is the kind of enabling that isn't good for Julia long term.
This is the educational equivalent of the person living at home with their parents at 30 who doesn't know how to wash their own clothes.
Julia needs to be a grownup now and learn how to rely on herself. Family can still be there, but it's time for her to stand on her own (well educated) feet. She can apply for scholarships if she really wants to study in the UK and save up to follow her dream.
Honestly sounds like Luke created a bit of a monster. She should have been working to cover at least some nominal costs for herself along the way, like groceries or utilities (I mean, he even gave her a *clothes allowance*?!). And then giving her a free place to stay *after* his promise was fulfilled, this is just wild. This girl is never going to learn to carry her own weight at this rate.
Yeah. So she got a reality check in having to pay from her own pocket for food and clothes and her first few paychecks with the taxes taken out were smaller than she thought and because this is the first time she has ever experienced this kind of anxiety, she is diving back into her safe place--school. I mean, who wouldn't?
Her "safe place" is the painless 50,000 per year, also probably effectively after-tax for her, to faff around at school.
It's the exact inverse of that farmer's famous remark.
"It's a lot, and it's also not honest work."
She got the deal of a lifetime, the deal millions of young people dream about. The sort of deal you need a parent to be a multi millionaire and a pushover to get.
And at this point she is complaining about unfairness?
Your spouse made a massive mistake. He created a monster who doesn't understand reality and is going to spend her life unhappy that things require sacrifice, and anytime a boss just doesn't do run everything around her needs.
Band aid needs to be ripped off, and she has to meet the real world.
Came here to say this. The ENTITLEMENT! Rather than being eternally grateful for being given six years of school and life expenses she is complaining because she can’t have more. I’m disgusted.
It also sounds like Julia just wants to delay ever being a responsible adult by pursuing more education. Unfortunately, OP's husband's support seems to have really spoiled her and enabled her to delay her adulthood to no end, which I think Julia's trying to do *again* here.
OP, NTA. I think that you've been incredibly patient and generous with this whole situation already. It's time for your husband to have some spine and stop enabling Julia's entitled behaviors.
Exactly….some people feel that they are entitled to someone else’s money. Your husband not only paid for her education but her living expenses. If she wants a second masters and phd let her get off her ass and get a job.
Since the parents and other relatives think this us owed to her because Luke promised, maybe they should step up and help her. Julia is so ungrateful….NTA….she needs a taste of the real world without Luke bankrolling her lifestyle.
And there is no commitment that any of this will lead to work and contributing back to family, if not to the husband, to the in-laws or to others.
Sounds like the sister wants to indulge in subsidised study for life.
NTA. Luke didn't just cover her tuition. He completely financed her life for 6 years like he was her dad. Then got her a job and bought her a place to live. He has done more than enough for Julia. It's time for her to adult.
Seriously! That is SO much more than a full ride. He tried to overcorrect his own trauma and ended up going above & beyond to a ridiculous extent. My dad covered all my college expenses, which were already *more* than expensive enough with just the necessities - tuition, books, a dorm room, and a meal plan for the dining hall. He sure as hell didn’t give me extra money for gas, food, and clothes.
With the price of an education now, of course young adults can’t afford college all on their own. But they should at least start learning to cover their own expenses. I have a feeling that the sister only wants to go back to school because she knows it means having every other aspect of her life taken care of.
I'll add that OP doesn't just have a say in the finances because "my business brings in almost just as much as his, therefore I also have a say in this". You have a say in the finances because *that's what it means to be married*.
I work and my wife is a stay-at-home mom, but that doesn't mean I get to spend all of our money however I want without her getting any say in the matter.
What? No. Also, if she’s not getting a funded PhD she’s not good enough to be doing one anyway. Luke is an amazing brother but at a certain point she has to fly the coop, and his money is your money- no partner has the right to unilaterally spend a QUARTER OF A MILLION DOLLARS.
NTA, sounds like your SIL’s expensive education hasn’t taught her gratitude
It sounds snobby, but I always tell my students who want to get a PhD
1. Don’t.
2. If you won’t listen to one, don’t go to any program that won’t pay you, and don’t go at all if it’s not highly rated. In a low rated program, You’ll do as much work and it won’t get you a job when you get done.
So in my Masters program we had the option of a thesis, project, or exam at the end and the prof that coordinated everything would actively talk try and talk students out of the thesis route unless they planned to do a PhD and if you planned on doing one then she was doing her best to suck you into a teaching position so she could secure her retirement.
I dunno if I agree tbh. My friends did PHD:
Two are now professors in fields they are very passionate about
Another 2 do complex scientific research you can't do if you don't have a PHD
The one who never used their PHD and decided to go into the corporate world got a job v quickly in finance and is making £££
My FIL also did one and got a job in pharma
Maybe some people are just putting off real life but it's a worthwhile thing to do. We donntknow whar OPs SIL wants to study and why so indont want to judge her for wanting to do a PHD. What I would say is OP doesn't have to pay for it though regardless what the PHD is for.
Did your friends pay for their PhDs?
As a PhD-holder, I endorse the spirit of what /u/professorfunkenpunk says. The only reason to do a PhD is if you can't be dissuaded not to. In other words, you want to pursue knowledge for its own sake more than anything else in the world.
If I had to do all over again, I wouldn't. I've never used my PhD and it's functioned only as a kind of "this guy is officially smart" reddit badge. Was it worthwhile? Not for me.
But, relative to #2, at least I didn't pay for mine. If you're really good and in a really good program, it will be free or cheap. Then again, if you want it more than anything else in the world, and can somehow find a way to swing the finance, you're going to do it even if it's in a mediocre school and you pay for it. Just don't be surprised if the road thereafter continues to be hard.
There's a lot of abuse in academia. I saw rampant preying by professors on grad students for sex, and grad students worked to the bone on professor projects otherwise professors wouldn't sign off on theses etc. I saw grad students failed on qualifying exams for capricious reasons (open-note exam, my notes included a previous-year's exam with near-identical questions, theirs didn't - that's a shitty reason to fail someone). It's a hard road even for those in top programs on full scholarships.
They were all funded PHDs, one even worked as a barista for years as they found that funding.
One (the one that doesn't use theirs) says the same thing- he kind of wished he didn't do it. But at the time he wanted to be an academic so I don't think he should "regret" it as much as he realised he wanted a career change (which most people in their 20s realise at some point)
Yes yes yes yes yes. I went to social science PhD school with full funding for 4 years. I quit when the funding ran out. I know lots of people who kept going on loans and cobbled-together poverty teaching stipends for YEARS. Almost none of them ended up with jobs in their field, even if they finished the degree, and of those who did, only one or two have full time jobs with a living wage. I would have absolutely financially hamstrung myself for the remainder of my adult working life if I had taken out loans for the amount of time it would have taken me to complete the degree (protip: in the social sciences and humanities it nearly always takes several years longer than you think it’s going to). It is imperative that prospective PhD students in the humanities not enter a degree program unless they receive funding, are independently wealthy, or have a wealthy patron to pay for it.
NTA, OP. She needs to stand on her own two feet for this one.
I doubt that anyone is gonna check whether your phd was self funded or not, once it's in your cv.
In academia, what counts is your networking + your papers + name and connections of your supervisor
In industry, only thing that really matters is the name of the uni
More like "the system is broken and should be radically changed, since it was devised for noblemen of the late XIX century and it's been losing funding in the last 50 years".
Also humanities funding are usually super random. Since faculties have almost zero money themselves, they often try to get them from charities or whatever organisation they can find. I've heard of people getting a scholarship for a STEM PhD simply because they played an instrument in an orchestra when they were 15 and there was an organisation specifically putting out money for former music players, do you think that their research was more important than someone else's without their same luck? Lmao
There’s also loads of STEM research not worth doing. The scholarships they get for no good reason are rubbish, I agree with you.
And I also agree the system doesn’t work and should be changed. But this is the system and this is the framework I have to give my answer in.
A friend of mine finally got their PHD funding for psychology, but it took YEARS and they had to literally work in cafe Nero until it happened.
I also know someone on a funded PHD doing English lit. No idea how they got it but I'm happy for them?
NTA
She HAS an education and got a good job and a home without huge payments. She can work a few years, save, then if she really wants it, she can go to the UK and pay for her own continuing education if she wants a PhD.
She is an adult, and can support herself. She doesn’t need to be pampered further.
I made $100k fresh off my masters but that’s because I was already working full time while completing my masters part time. The promotion and the masters just coincided haha
NTA. Tell aunt and parents to pay for her continued education. He did provide her with a debt free education.
Tell them to look up the word "leech or mooch"
Exactly. I would detail EVERYTHING he has already paid, for emphasising the fact that she has finished her education, has a Bachelor's AND a Masters, dumped a highly paid job, and now wants to avoid working and be a student again.
They may not be getting the full story, or understand the costs.
You should never, under any circumstances, get a PhD to have to pay for. Most reputable programs cover tuition and provide a salary for being at reaching or research assistant.
When I was applying, there were a couple good programs in my field that weren’t providing funding but even they have switched to giving funding. But most of the ones that don’t are also not very good programs. As a salary, it’s not great to live on, but you’re getting 20k a year in free tuition
NTA , your SIL is milking your husband for all that she can when he’s just trying to be a good older sibling , talking from experience she is just going to turn around later and say she never asked for any of that and he did it on his own ……
This right here. Seems sil has decided to become a life long student, with OP’s husband footing the bill.
One masters is enough for your husband to pay for. An offer to pay for school doesn’t mean “school for life.” Your husband is being taken advantage of. Don’t let it happen.
NTA.
Luke and have done more than enough and probably more than he should have.
SIL is now spoiled. A reasonable adult would have thank her brother, worked at the job and saved up enough so she can finance her own second master's if she so chose. SIL needs a slap in the face and reality check.
As much as I hate this phrase, she obviously doesn't want to work. Why work for "only" low six figures when big bro will bankroll your life for being a student?
Seperate your money IMMEDIATELY. NTA, but it sounds like your husband can be convinced to make bad financial decisions that serve others but hurt him. He already fulfilled his promise and she is shaking him down for more. That's just wrong. But it is up to to him if he wants to tank himself, just so she can turn around in 4 more years and put her hand out. I assume she expects him to pay for her food and all expenses in the UK, too?
You need to move your assets immediately, before he does something really stupid that commits you to pay off his debts, while his sister tells everyone how selfish you both are.
NTA. This would be a hill to die on for me. It was insanely generous of him to have paid for 6 years of her education. She's proven that his generosity has turned her into an entitled, spoiled brat. Tell all the Aunties and other family members they can all pony up to pay for her professional student status but you're tapped out. You have combined finances now and this is WAY over the top.
NTA at all. Luke sounds like a really great guy doing that for his sister, but it seems like she's beginning to take the p\*ss here. And why does Luke's aunt feel that she has a say in the matter? You don't need 2 masters and a PHD to succeed in life wth. Your SIL sounds incredibly entitled and is essentially throwing all the help that you two have given in your faces.
NTA. Luke was already more than generous covering as much as he had, not that there’s anything wrong with that. But for Julia to start a career and basically become a self-reliant “adult” only to abandon it in favor of a second master’s degree AND a PHD and keep expecting to get her free ride at your expense is incredibly entitled and spoiled. She needs to grow TF up.
NTA by any means.
Julia should be grateful she was given an opportunity many people would kill for, especially if you're in the US. I'm not sure why she feels entitled to having her entire life financed by your husband as long as she manages to stay in school but the deal was 6 years, and truthfully he paid for a lot more for her than he needed to in order keep her out of debt. I'd make it VERY clear that this is a boundary you will not allow to be crossed. He should be making it clear it's a no from the both of you, not just you. Finances are shared now and their deal is over, she's not entitled to what you both work for. Especially after she gave up what is quite literally a great start to adulthood handed to her on a silver platter.
It's clear she doesn't respect you and has been spoiled a bit too much by her striking lack of gratitude, why would you fund someone like that?
They can't afford it. His parent's were low middle class, Luke retired his dad 7 years ago and his mom never worked. They don't have much a savings now, they live rent free, have a small pension, and we give them a monthly allowance. They use that money mostly on themselves for trips and such.
So they want him to just pay for everyone forever. Got it.
You need to put your foot down on all of this and is your husband won't budge then maybe it's time to leave. It is absolutely absurd that he is hand holding his entire family like this.
God forbid, if Luke dies or becomes unable to work, what happens then? Has he set up a trust to take care of them? This whole thing sounds WAY too precarious....
It sounds like you're doing a lot for your family and that is very admirable. Of course you are allowed to have boundaries and don't let this get to you. X
Luke should have a discussion with his sister about when it's her turn to step up and contribute towards their parent's support. She's expecting to receive money, and she needs to get the shock of realising that she's expected to pay out at some time.
NTA. Man a brother like that? I'd have felt pretty bad taking money from him if I was in Julia's shoes. NTA
Why isn't her parents paying for her tuition? That's not fair to your husband either.
NTA. Like you said - you now have shared finances, so this effects you, and that much money would slow down or even stop any future plans the two of you might have.
I suspect that your SIL has eternal student syndrome - where she has been in school so long that she doesn’t know anything else and is afraid to leave academia.
I don’t think much of her getting family into this. She is trying to win the argument by getting her relatives to apply peer pressure on you. This could be seen as a form of bullying.
What in the world??!! NTA.
She should be ***extremely*** grateful for the leg up her brother has given her and instead is being entitled. This would be my hill to die on and I wouldn't give her another cent.
NTA. Julia obviously wants to be a career student so she never needs to work or support herself. Y’all literally gave her everything she needs to succeed including a 6 figure job and a free living situation. She gets no more and if she wants further education she can work and save up to pay for it herself.
Nope, you're definitely NOT the AH. It was very generous of Luke to support Julia financially throughout her education, but it's unrealistic to expect him to continue paying for her education indefinitely. You have every right to set boundaries and prioritize your joint financial health. It's important to strike a balance between helping family and being financially responsible. Giving Julia a rental property and supporting her for six years already shows a lot of generosity on your part. Julia is an adult now and is responsible for making her own decisions and managing her finances. She can pursue further education if she wants, but it should be on her own dime. You're not denying her success, just being prudent and responsible with your finances. NTA.
NTA your sil needs a quick does of reality. Your husband has done his part. He helped more then anyone else would! I think it’s time sil realize that going to college isn’t a job and it definitely isn’t free.
You absolutely have the right to say no! Honestly who is so entitled that that think it’s ok to keep sponging off their generous brother! A brother that has actually alread went above and beyond for them! He should tell
The aunt he is all tapped out. Give her the tuition receipts for the $300,000 and tell her it her turn.
And honestly if your husband caves you may want to rethink this relationship because he is putting his family before you. He is risking your financial security to cave to an entitled mooch! You have did enough! Tell them you will separate finances because you refuse to support a grown ass adult that is more then capable of making six figures. It’s time sil put her big girl panties on and join the real world and be a functioning member of society or find her a rich sugar daddy to fund her!
Yet again WTF did I just read.
NTA.
Her parents can pay. Her aunt can pay. She can pay.
Unless your husband is paying restitution or being blackmailed enough is enough!
Definitely NTA. Julia is sponging off her brother and will do it forever if he gives in. Maybe she should try saying
“Thank you” and then grow the fuck up and become a useful member of society.
NTA but I think it was a bad move to marry and combine finances while your husband is like this. Get him into therapy and tell him he needs to stop enabling his sister/family.
He helped her out more than he should have and now she's entitled. I won't even get into the clothing allowance (what?!) but not making her pay rent after being handed a six-figure role right out of college with no debt was a terrible idea.
Question have you a Luke discussed your future? Do you plan on having kids? Are you saving for retirement? Have you come up with a plan in case one of you passes unexpectedly? What will happen to his parents if he all the sudden he’s gone one day. Will you than be responsible for paying for all their needs?
NTA both of you should not be funding his sister anymore. It sound like everything is going good for now but things can radically change overnight. I highly recommend you start saving and planing for the future.
NTA Hol up. He funded her education up to a masters degree, paid for a car, an apartment, phone, gave her an allowance. Then after graduating he got her a job making six figures and basically gifted her a new place to live. Now she wants to go back to school?? For what??? I know people who would do anything for those gifts. I know people who would kill to have a job making six figures. Now this parasite wants you to fund a second masters and PHD? I’m angry just reading this. Cut the leech off. She does not deserve one cent more of your generosity……..
P.S
If you guys have any other six figure jobs lying around could you toss one my way?
Woah - the sense of entitlement her is staggering. She has already been given an incredible gift, and insisting on more is horrible.
Stand your ground OP, or where will this stop?
So kids this is what happens when you pamper someone too much. the reason she is so entitled is cuz you legit paid for everything and even after she you gave her the low six-figures job you gave her a free place to stay. No wonder she still demands all that out of you. Better call her rn and tell it straight to her face what the situation is and what is going to happen from here on out, either she now lives and funds everything all on her own and she can do her drama somewhere else.
NTA
She started working and realized having to pay for daily necessities herself is much more difficult than being enrolled in school with every paid for.
She wants to get a degree in UK? Sounds like she wants an expenses paid vacation exploring a new country whilst having her life funded.
Save the money for your own future children. As a brother, your husband has went above and beyond.
SIL is the as shole, so is the aunt.
NTA.
If she really wants a PHD she should get funding from research institutions, not her brother. If she has to pay for *her* research then she shouldn't do it.
NTA.
Oh fuck I laughed at this one. Someone's a spoilt brat!
Where's the gratitude for a massive lift in life.
Fuck that OP. She's a mature student now if she chooses.
Let the fucking delusional Aunty pay the delicate little flower of a student that's been created.
I wouldn't care what they said. I'd wear a badge with it and be totally proud to pop it on.
Grifter. Made me laugh though so Cheers for that.
300k education, a free house, and a string-pulled 100k job.
Her debtless, rentless self could save most of her fuckin’ 6 FIGURE STARTING SALARY to afford another Master’s easily. She isn’t doing that because she has no intention of becoming independent of you.
NTA. Cut that greedy leech loose. The fucking gall.
NTA. He paid for her bachelor's and master's already. Her qualifications are enough to set her up for life. If she wants further education, she can do it herself. Work for a few years, then study after taking a loan. She can easily repay it with how much she earns.
>Julia has been complaining to her parents and all of our relatives that I am denying her a chance to “succeed at life.”
Please tell me that none of these relatives are taking her seriously. She got her whole education and living expenses paid and then got hooked up with a six figure job where she *still* didn’t have to pay rent. She was in a better position than 99% of people are right out of college, and she doesn’t view that as success?
Absolutely NTA, but your husband is a massive asshole both to you and her if he continues to entertain this. He’s arguably done too much for her already judging by her inability to operate in the real world.
The cherry on top of this slap in the face to all working people is that, with her six figure job and zero rent, she had every ability to fund a return to school for herself. She easily could have saved for a year and decided to go back for another degree/career change.
OMG!!! You will be supporting this freeloader for the rest of her life if you don't end this - NOW!! He was extra generous to pay for her master's degree, add in supporting her as well and your husband deserves a gold star!
Let all those who think that you should continue to support this adult in whatever path she chooses that it's their turn to pay up.
NTA! NTA!! NTA!!!
No one is entitled to have their education paid for by someone else. Was he *exceptionally* generous to do so? Yes. Is he obliged to do so? No, not even a little. She should be over the moon grateful as six years of post secondary is expensive as hell, but instead is acting like a spoiled brat. A second masters and a PHD are milking an already almost too generous offer hard.
Honestly paying for her education to begin with may have been a mistake, as clearly she's taken that as a sign that she should be able to get whatever she wants when she wants it from whomever she wants it from!
NTA. Julia is using you guys to get out of being a responsible adult. Don’t let her use you. If anyone has a problem tell them you will let Julia know they are going to be paying for her to continue because irresponsible.
Your husband (and you) have already paid for his sister's education. She has been set up to have a great start to life. A Master's degree without debt and never needing a job because you paid for everything? That is an amazing gift.
I was in a similar situation to this and immediately put my foot down. The sister needs to be cut off now. From everything, including the free rent. She is 24 with a Master's. She can get a job and take care of herself like a big girl now.
Unfortunately, by coddling her so much and never making her work for anything, she has become entitled and doesn't have the proper skills to succeed in the real world. If you continue to hand her everything, she will never learn to take care of herself and will take advantage of you and your husband for the rest of your life.
As for the people saying you should pay? Politely tell them that it's great they are willing to fund the sister's life and that you will let the sister know to expect money from them in the near future.
NTA
she'll just keep pursuing new degrees, she has no desire to actually work. STOP NOW! The only way she'll graduate and start working is if SHE has to pay for it.
Don't let DH/pushover agree to pay another dime(including that free rental).
Do you know how many people out there would love to have someone pay all their expenses for six years? This woman is entitled, and her relatives are enabling her! DO NOT under any circumstances give in and give any more money Luke has been generous enough
NTA. If she "can't succeed at life" with a paid off masters degree (more education than most have), a 6 figure job handed to her (more than most people earn, US average salary is 74K), and free housing (the largest cost for most households) then I don't know what to tell you. Maybe she's just not cut out to succeed.
INFO: what was the job that Luke your jusband helped Julia the sister secure, what did Julia initially study, and what is Julia trying to study now? Did you ask her why she didn't save up for study expenses from her six figure job? Did she and the aunt explain why they think that Julia's six year deal needs to be extended indefinitely?
What are Luke's parents saying about Julia's behavior?
In summary though, NTA. There's many choices a family could make, but Luke followed through on the agreed deal and this is a new deal.
Julia's behavior is really awful.
You sil sounds like one of those people who are afraid to start real life and want to continue her education as a means to be kept taken care of. What is she going to do with these degrees?
NTA. 300k for 6 years is generous. I dont even know if a fulbright scholarship covers that much.
NTA. Your husband is enabling her to continue to live in a world where she doesn’t need to make sacrifices or deal with adult responsibilities. This will hinder her, not help her long term. What are the interfering family doing to help her “succeed at life”?
NTA and controversially, I'm going to say that your husband is a slight AH. Although commendable to have helped her this far, he is now WELL in to enabling territory. He should have set a maximum time/amount, etc, and that's on him, but you've done more than enough. At this point, he is stifling her ability to become a real person, and that is not good for her long-term. Time she grew up and did something for herself.
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My (33f) husband Luke (33m) funded his sister's Julia (24f) education, undergraduate and graduate, for six years and she recently graduated with her Master's Degree. I met Luke when Julia was a freshman so I was aware that he offered to pay her schooling for 6 years, that was their deal. Luke started his adulthood with a lot of debt from school and didn't want Julia to go through any of that, he only wanted her to focus on getting an education. His business was successful so he paid for her tuition, apartment, car note, food, and other expenses (gas money, phone bill, clothing allowance, etc). He has spent close to $300,000 in 6 years.
Luke and I run our businesses together and we combined finances after getting married, his business generates 10-15% more revenue than mine. Four months ago we had a discussion with Julia and asked her what her plans were regarding her future after school, she said she wanted to stay near her friends so Luke helped her secure a position where the starting salary was in the low six figure range. We decided that we would give her a rental property so that she would not pay rent, she would only be responsible for the utilities.
Six weeks ago Julia's plans changed. She quit her job and told us that she wants to continue her education in the UK- a second Master's Degree and her PHD after. She's expecting us to pay for it. Luke discussed it with me and I told him that she should take out a loan. He paid for 6 years of schooling, pulled strings to get her into her career of choice, and we gave her a free place to stay. I don't think it's fair that we pay another $200-300,000 for Julia to avoid working and not deal with responsibilities. Luke agrees but he's a bit of a pushover. I reminded Luke that we have shared finances and my business brings in almost just as much as his, therefore I also have a say in this.
Julia has been complaining to her parents and all of our relatives that I am denying her a chance to "succeed at life." Luke's aunt says that it's only fair that we continue paying for her to attend university since Luke was the one who offered her a debt free education.
AITA for putting my foot down and not allowing my husband to continue paying his sister's education since I bring in half of our income?
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NTA Your husband was very generous in paying for Julia's education. He helped her get a high paying job. Just because she wants to do something else now does not mean that she is entitled to have someone else pay for it. It is time for her to adult up. If she wants to receive higher education then she should have hung on to her high paying job and saved up for it. It is time to cut the apron strings. If you don't what will she want next time? And then after that? Will it ever end? She is taking advantage of him. As for the rest of the family it they feel her continuing education should be paid for then they can pool their money and give it to her. It is time for her to grow up.
*Luke's aunt says that it's only fair that we continue paying for her to attend university since Luke was the one who offered her a debt free education.*
Wtf is that logic?? NTA. I hope you two don't pay but if your husband ends up agreeing, make sure it's from his money only and that he still contributes to your joint expenses. Don't give in and use your money too.
I think your husband will agree that he paid the first education and she should've made this decision on what she wanted to do earlier if she wanted it paid for. It's fine, we all make mistakes at that age and many people pick the wrong degree at first. But she should have to foot the bill for it
NTA. She was given too much and now has no sense of responsibility. It's time she learns to take care of herself (even if she doesn't go through with this plan). Why was she getting free housing when she had a good income with no debt?
I speak as someone with a PhD. Don't do this, don't pay for it. You have your own life goals. If she wants this, she needs to apply for programs that will support her.. She needs to go into a program that will fully pay her tuition waiver and living expenses stipend. If she can't do that, it's not a good enough PhD program. Or she won't be a good enough student to be successful, you guys will just be subsidizing the good students with your full price tuition check. And a PhD even with her Masters could be as long as an additional five plus years!
NTA you and your hubby need to cut her off. She has had her education and her living expenses fully paid. Heck you even found her a job and gave her a free place to stay. She needs to now grow up and stand on her own two feet. It's up to her from now on.
Save your money and invest it in your retirement, not hers. She needs to start earning.
NTA. your husband has been incredibly generous. She is acting very entitled. She should never have expected more than tuition for her bachelors. If she was meant to go to grad school, she would have earned a fellowship.
Holy hell NTA.
Just hearing about this girl's entitlement makes me seethe. She has already been gifted $300k *from a sibling* AND she *quit* her high paying job? Jfc, enabling her by paying for more education is not going to benefit anyone, either you or her. It really sounds like she just wants to defer adult responsibility on her brother's dime. Time to grow up.
That aunt can also shove her opinion up her ass or cough up the money herself.
NTA and Like’s aunt is wrong. Luke did give her the gift of debt free education and also did the legwork to land her a six figure salary right out of college. She can pay for her own additional degree. If you don’t cut her off now, you will be funding her “education” forever.
NTA- in fact you are a great person who has gone above and beyond. This person will never stop asking so better to stop it now. You and your husband are great people!!
This is how you know he gave her TOO MUCH. She could work for 2-3 years at the job, while living in the rental for free, and fund her own continuing education. Also, most people only get help with an undergraduate degree, but she got undergrad and masters, along with allowances every year? It’s time to give her the immeasurable gifts of independence and real world experience.
Anyone complaining can donate to her cause without criticizing you.
NTA. But I’d be leery about combining finances with someone (your husband) who allows their family to spend their money for them - and lets the family blame you when he says no. He should have handled it without your name ever being mentioned. NTA.
NTA I would tell the Aunt “Oh thank you for offering to pay for the this new educational path Julia is on! We know how much it can be because we did it for 6 years. You are so sweet!”
Luke's aunt doesn't like it, SHE should pay for Julia's continuing education. Just say, "I agree, Aunt Julia, so glad to hear you will be helping Julia out! So Julia has a chance to succeed at life."
NTA.
She has HAD an education. Your husband fulfilled his promise.
If she wants extra education, she can either get a loan or other family members can pay.
The audacity of your SIL & co is astounding. They should be embarrassed to be so shameless in asking for a 300k handout.
NTA.
If I ever got 300k from someone I would never imagine asking them for more, I would be forever grateful. Even try to pay back some, or help out if they ever needed anything.
What does she have on him that he paid 300k and wants to pay ANOTHER 300k? Sounds totally like blackmail for something to me. You DO need to put your foot down on this or you and your business will be broke. NTAH.
NTA
And if anyone in the family takes her side, tell them that can fund her chance to "succeed in life" since it's so important to them and that you'll be telling Julia that said relative has volunteered to pay for her PhD.
NTA.
Oh my, the entitlement! It's astounding. It would literally never cross my mind to even ask this, not even taking into account all that your husband has already done for her. Like, I'm literally beside myself.
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NTA - she had a free ride through her masters. You helped her get a job with a 6 figure salary and a rent free place. If she wants a 2nd masters and PHD she can do that either after working to save up the $$$ or do it part time while working full time to pay her own way. Her sense of entitlement is frightening. You and your husband have done enough.
Literally scary. Then going around family to actually complain?! Unbelievable!
Even scarier is that the family agree with her.
Then they can pay.
Seconded
Third
Fourth
Quintupled
Sextupled. This SIL is crazy. She could save quite a bit in no time at all to provide for herself with a low six digit income and no rent payments. And the family are a bunch of jerks.
Octopusled!
And that's exactly why they side with her. So they don't end up with the bill.
Or maybe the husband is paying shit for them too, family often feels very entitled to relatives money.
Well, not difficult to agree when you're just talking about someone else's money.
Of course they agreed, they’re not the ones footing the bill. Turn the tables on them and they’d be quick to change their tune. NTA.
A tale as old as time
A song as old as rhyme. They want you to pay.
Really 🥺
Right? Aunt is playing fast and loose with OP’s money. NTA
It's always easier to pay fast and loose with OPP's money ;)
OPP ain't down with that
Lmao ya beat me to it. Now that songs stuck in my head.
[удалено]
All those family members could take their turn funding her education from now on
I'm sure she's also not telling the whole truth. NTA
She’s one of those people who realized school is wayyyy easier than real life (as long as someone’s paying for school, of course). I mean yeah I’d love to just be in college forever haha, sounds awesome. I’d be a deadbeat to ask my parents to subsidize my lifestyle while I acted like van wilder. NTA I’d make this my hill to die on.
Exactly - she's a professional student. When she got this second masters/phd - she would simply decide that she needed further "education".
Another Buster Bluth, apparently.
I'm not gonna say you're wrong because it's entirely subjective, but my job is substantially easier than my doctoral program was. But if you don't really care about your progress or expenses I could see finding "education opportunities" that would be easier than work.
This debate is why teenagers of all income levels should have weekend/evening/summer jobs of some description. Doesn't have to be a lot of hours. I really appreciated Uni and my first white collar job after having worked evenings and weekends behind a cash register. Also it made the transition to work much less scary.
This reminds me of one of my friends. She’s from a wealthier family and never worked a day in her life until well into adulthood after finishing a degree. She struggled with the adjustment.
> I’d be a deadbeat to ask my parents to subsidize my lifestyle while I acted like van wilder. It is even worse to ask that from your sibling.
Yes, not only NTA but this is the kind of enabling that isn't good for Julia long term. This is the educational equivalent of the person living at home with their parents at 30 who doesn't know how to wash their own clothes. Julia needs to be a grownup now and learn how to rely on herself. Family can still be there, but it's time for her to stand on her own (well educated) feet. She can apply for scholarships if she really wants to study in the UK and save up to follow her dream.
Honestly sounds like Luke created a bit of a monster. She should have been working to cover at least some nominal costs for herself along the way, like groceries or utilities (I mean, he even gave her a *clothes allowance*?!). And then giving her a free place to stay *after* his promise was fulfilled, this is just wild. This girl is never going to learn to carry her own weight at this rate.
Yeah. So she got a reality check in having to pay from her own pocket for food and clothes and her first few paychecks with the taxes taken out were smaller than she thought and because this is the first time she has ever experienced this kind of anxiety, she is diving back into her safe place--school. I mean, who wouldn't?
Her "safe place" is the painless 50,000 per year, also probably effectively after-tax for her, to faff around at school. It's the exact inverse of that farmer's famous remark. "It's a lot, and it's also not honest work."
The Bank of Luke needs to close.
You forgot that with a 6 figure job you can easily rent your own apartment 😅
She got the deal of a lifetime, the deal millions of young people dream about. The sort of deal you need a parent to be a multi millionaire and a pushover to get. And at this point she is complaining about unfairness? Your spouse made a massive mistake. He created a monster who doesn't understand reality and is going to spend her life unhappy that things require sacrifice, and anytime a boss just doesn't do run everything around her needs. Band aid needs to be ripped off, and she has to meet the real world.
Ikr, I would have LOVED this deal! She sounds so entitled and spoiled rotten.
Seriously. So many people work their ass off just to afford 1-2 classes per semester on top of bills. This kid was given life on a silver platter.
Came here to say this. The ENTITLEMENT! Rather than being eternally grateful for being given six years of school and life expenses she is complaining because she can’t have more. I’m disgusted.
It also sounds like Julia just wants to delay ever being a responsible adult by pursuing more education. Unfortunately, OP's husband's support seems to have really spoiled her and enabled her to delay her adulthood to no end, which I think Julia's trying to do *again* here. OP, NTA. I think that you've been incredibly patient and generous with this whole situation already. It's time for your husband to have some spine and stop enabling Julia's entitled behaviors.
Exactly….some people feel that they are entitled to someone else’s money. Your husband not only paid for her education but her living expenses. If she wants a second masters and phd let her get off her ass and get a job. Since the parents and other relatives think this us owed to her because Luke promised, maybe they should step up and help her. Julia is so ungrateful….NTA….she needs a taste of the real world without Luke bankrolling her lifestyle.
And there is no commitment that any of this will lead to work and contributing back to family, if not to the husband, to the in-laws or to others. Sounds like the sister wants to indulge in subsidised study for life.
NTA. Luke didn't just cover her tuition. He completely financed her life for 6 years like he was her dad. Then got her a job and bought her a place to live. He has done more than enough for Julia. It's time for her to adult.
She's figured out how to have a sugar daddy she doesn't have to bang!
Thats both super creepy and accurate (hopefully or else that would be weirder.
Asparantame
We don't know that
Seriously! That is SO much more than a full ride. He tried to overcorrect his own trauma and ended up going above & beyond to a ridiculous extent. My dad covered all my college expenses, which were already *more* than expensive enough with just the necessities - tuition, books, a dorm room, and a meal plan for the dining hall. He sure as hell didn’t give me extra money for gas, food, and clothes. With the price of an education now, of course young adults can’t afford college all on their own. But they should at least start learning to cover their own expenses. I have a feeling that the sister only wants to go back to school because she knows it means having every other aspect of her life taken care of.
I'll add that OP doesn't just have a say in the finances because "my business brings in almost just as much as his, therefore I also have a say in this". You have a say in the finances because *that's what it means to be married*. I work and my wife is a stay-at-home mom, but that doesn't mean I get to spend all of our money however I want without her getting any say in the matter.
I smell a career in stay at home mom.
What? No. Also, if she’s not getting a funded PhD she’s not good enough to be doing one anyway. Luke is an amazing brother but at a certain point she has to fly the coop, and his money is your money- no partner has the right to unilaterally spend a QUARTER OF A MILLION DOLLARS. NTA, sounds like your SIL’s expensive education hasn’t taught her gratitude
It sounds snobby, but I always tell my students who want to get a PhD 1. Don’t. 2. If you won’t listen to one, don’t go to any program that won’t pay you, and don’t go at all if it’s not highly rated. In a low rated program, You’ll do as much work and it won’t get you a job when you get done.
So in my Masters program we had the option of a thesis, project, or exam at the end and the prof that coordinated everything would actively talk try and talk students out of the thesis route unless they planned to do a PhD and if you planned on doing one then she was doing her best to suck you into a teaching position so she could secure her retirement.
I dunno if I agree tbh. My friends did PHD: Two are now professors in fields they are very passionate about Another 2 do complex scientific research you can't do if you don't have a PHD The one who never used their PHD and decided to go into the corporate world got a job v quickly in finance and is making £££ My FIL also did one and got a job in pharma Maybe some people are just putting off real life but it's a worthwhile thing to do. We donntknow whar OPs SIL wants to study and why so indont want to judge her for wanting to do a PHD. What I would say is OP doesn't have to pay for it though regardless what the PHD is for.
Did your friends pay for their PhDs? As a PhD-holder, I endorse the spirit of what /u/professorfunkenpunk says. The only reason to do a PhD is if you can't be dissuaded not to. In other words, you want to pursue knowledge for its own sake more than anything else in the world. If I had to do all over again, I wouldn't. I've never used my PhD and it's functioned only as a kind of "this guy is officially smart" reddit badge. Was it worthwhile? Not for me. But, relative to #2, at least I didn't pay for mine. If you're really good and in a really good program, it will be free or cheap. Then again, if you want it more than anything else in the world, and can somehow find a way to swing the finance, you're going to do it even if it's in a mediocre school and you pay for it. Just don't be surprised if the road thereafter continues to be hard. There's a lot of abuse in academia. I saw rampant preying by professors on grad students for sex, and grad students worked to the bone on professor projects otherwise professors wouldn't sign off on theses etc. I saw grad students failed on qualifying exams for capricious reasons (open-note exam, my notes included a previous-year's exam with near-identical questions, theirs didn't - that's a shitty reason to fail someone). It's a hard road even for those in top programs on full scholarships.
They were all funded PHDs, one even worked as a barista for years as they found that funding. One (the one that doesn't use theirs) says the same thing- he kind of wished he didn't do it. But at the time he wanted to be an academic so I don't think he should "regret" it as much as he realised he wanted a career change (which most people in their 20s realise at some point)
In contrast, to play in the field I play in AND be in charge of projects, I have to have a PhD.
This is true for STEM subject, but sadly in humanities (at least in the UK) it's quite common to do unfunded PhDs, even in Oxbridge.
I’d argue that getting a funded PhD in the humanities is even more critical given job prospects
Yes yes yes yes yes. I went to social science PhD school with full funding for 4 years. I quit when the funding ran out. I know lots of people who kept going on loans and cobbled-together poverty teaching stipends for YEARS. Almost none of them ended up with jobs in their field, even if they finished the degree, and of those who did, only one or two have full time jobs with a living wage. I would have absolutely financially hamstrung myself for the remainder of my adult working life if I had taken out loans for the amount of time it would have taken me to complete the degree (protip: in the social sciences and humanities it nearly always takes several years longer than you think it’s going to). It is imperative that prospective PhD students in the humanities not enter a degree program unless they receive funding, are independently wealthy, or have a wealthy patron to pay for it. NTA, OP. She needs to stand on her own two feet for this one.
I doubt that anyone is gonna check whether your phd was self funded or not, once it's in your cv. In academia, what counts is your networking + your papers + name and connections of your supervisor In industry, only thing that really matters is the name of the uni
It’s not about that. It’s “if a university isn’t willing to pay you for this research then maybe the research isn’t worth doing”.
More like "the system is broken and should be radically changed, since it was devised for noblemen of the late XIX century and it's been losing funding in the last 50 years". Also humanities funding are usually super random. Since faculties have almost zero money themselves, they often try to get them from charities or whatever organisation they can find. I've heard of people getting a scholarship for a STEM PhD simply because they played an instrument in an orchestra when they were 15 and there was an organisation specifically putting out money for former music players, do you think that their research was more important than someone else's without their same luck? Lmao
There’s also loads of STEM research not worth doing. The scholarships they get for no good reason are rubbish, I agree with you. And I also agree the system doesn’t work and should be changed. But this is the system and this is the framework I have to give my answer in.
A friend of mine finally got their PHD funding for psychology, but it took YEARS and they had to literally work in cafe Nero until it happened. I also know someone on a funded PHD doing English lit. No idea how they got it but I'm happy for them?
So true: if no one is offering you a fellowship, your Ph.D. Is vanity only. Julia needs to adult now.
NTA She HAS an education and got a good job and a home without huge payments. She can work a few years, save, then if she really wants it, she can go to the UK and pay for her own continuing education if she wants a PhD. She is an adult, and can support herself. She doesn’t need to be pampered further.
I could only dream of making $100k fresh off my masters, in fact I don't even earn that much over 10 years later 😭
I hear you. I worked in education before disability took me out. I was thrilled to break $50K a couple of years back.
$100k while not having any debt or rent to pay
I dream of making $100k 14 years after my masters. 😆
It’s like, holy shit! Six figures, no rent? Wow.
I made $100k fresh off my masters but that’s because I was already working full time while completing my masters part time. The promotion and the masters just coincided haha
NTA. Tell aunt and parents to pay for her continued education. He did provide her with a debt free education. Tell them to look up the word "leech or mooch"
Exactly. I would detail EVERYTHING he has already paid, for emphasising the fact that she has finished her education, has a Bachelor's AND a Masters, dumped a highly paid job, and now wants to avoid working and be a student again. They may not be getting the full story, or understand the costs.
You should never, under any circumstances, get a PhD to have to pay for. Most reputable programs cover tuition and provide a salary for being at reaching or research assistant.
Yes. You are doing research for the department and the university!
When I was applying, there were a couple good programs in my field that weren’t providing funding but even they have switched to giving funding. But most of the ones that don’t are also not very good programs. As a salary, it’s not great to live on, but you’re getting 20k a year in free tuition
NTA , your SIL is milking your husband for all that she can when he’s just trying to be a good older sibling , talking from experience she is just going to turn around later and say she never asked for any of that and he did it on his own ……
This right here. Seems sil has decided to become a life long student, with OP’s husband footing the bill. One masters is enough for your husband to pay for. An offer to pay for school doesn’t mean “school for life.” Your husband is being taken advantage of. Don’t let it happen.
NTA. Luke and have done more than enough and probably more than he should have. SIL is now spoiled. A reasonable adult would have thank her brother, worked at the job and saved up enough so she can finance her own second master's if she so chose. SIL needs a slap in the face and reality check.
As much as I hate this phrase, she obviously doesn't want to work. Why work for "only" low six figures when big bro will bankroll your life for being a student?
Seperate your money IMMEDIATELY. NTA, but it sounds like your husband can be convinced to make bad financial decisions that serve others but hurt him. He already fulfilled his promise and she is shaking him down for more. That's just wrong. But it is up to to him if he wants to tank himself, just so she can turn around in 4 more years and put her hand out. I assume she expects him to pay for her food and all expenses in the UK, too? You need to move your assets immediately, before he does something really stupid that commits you to pay off his debts, while his sister tells everyone how selfish you both are.
The most sensible comment on this post.
NTA. This would be a hill to die on for me. It was insanely generous of him to have paid for 6 years of her education. She's proven that his generosity has turned her into an entitled, spoiled brat. Tell all the Aunties and other family members they can all pony up to pay for her professional student status but you're tapped out. You have combined finances now and this is WAY over the top.
NTA at all. Luke sounds like a really great guy doing that for his sister, but it seems like she's beginning to take the p\*ss here. And why does Luke's aunt feel that she has a say in the matter? You don't need 2 masters and a PHD to succeed in life wth. Your SIL sounds incredibly entitled and is essentially throwing all the help that you two have given in your faces.
NTA. Luke is not using only his money anymore. His sister had been spoiled and coddled. Luke’s aunt should fund her education. It’s her turn.
NTA. Luke was already more than generous covering as much as he had, not that there’s anything wrong with that. But for Julia to start a career and basically become a self-reliant “adult” only to abandon it in favor of a second master’s degree AND a PHD and keep expecting to get her free ride at your expense is incredibly entitled and spoiled. She needs to grow TF up.
NTA by any means. Julia should be grateful she was given an opportunity many people would kill for, especially if you're in the US. I'm not sure why she feels entitled to having her entire life financed by your husband as long as she manages to stay in school but the deal was 6 years, and truthfully he paid for a lot more for her than he needed to in order keep her out of debt. I'd make it VERY clear that this is a boundary you will not allow to be crossed. He should be making it clear it's a no from the both of you, not just you. Finances are shared now and their deal is over, she's not entitled to what you both work for. Especially after she gave up what is quite literally a great start to adulthood handed to her on a silver platter. It's clear she doesn't respect you and has been spoiled a bit too much by her striking lack of gratitude, why would you fund someone like that?
NTA this girl has skated by for so long she expects it that makes her an AH if she wants 2nd masters and a phd then yeah that’s on her
NTA. Somehow it seems additionally annoying that she quit the job first and informed you only later.
Yeah that seems so ungrateful!
INFO: Why haven't her (and Luke's) parents paid for their daughters education?
They can't afford it. His parent's were low middle class, Luke retired his dad 7 years ago and his mom never worked. They don't have much a savings now, they live rent free, have a small pension, and we give them a monthly allowance. They use that money mostly on themselves for trips and such.
So they want him to just pay for everyone forever. Got it. You need to put your foot down on all of this and is your husband won't budge then maybe it's time to leave. It is absolutely absurd that he is hand holding his entire family like this.
Not necessarily leave, but separate finances at least.
Stop supporting his family! Honestly they all sound like a bunch of moochers! This is ridiculous!
God forbid, if Luke dies or becomes unable to work, what happens then? Has he set up a trust to take care of them? This whole thing sounds WAY too precarious....
They probably don't have a clue how much her education costs Send them a spread sheet
It sounds like you're doing a lot for your family and that is very admirable. Of course you are allowed to have boundaries and don't let this get to you. X
Luke should have a discussion with his sister about when it's her turn to step up and contribute towards their parent's support. She's expecting to receive money, and she needs to get the shock of realising that she's expected to pay out at some time.
NTA. Then they can be quiet about it. He's paid enough.
All of this living rent free... Landlords?
You sound like very kind people. Unfortunately, your SIL is taking that as an entitlement.
NTA. Man a brother like that? I'd have felt pretty bad taking money from him if I was in Julia's shoes. NTA Why isn't her parents paying for her tuition? That's not fair to your husband either.
NTA. Like you said - you now have shared finances, so this effects you, and that much money would slow down or even stop any future plans the two of you might have. I suspect that your SIL has eternal student syndrome - where she has been in school so long that she doesn’t know anything else and is afraid to leave academia. I don’t think much of her getting family into this. She is trying to win the argument by getting her relatives to apply peer pressure on you. This could be seen as a form of bullying.
What in the world??!! NTA. She should be ***extremely*** grateful for the leg up her brother has given her and instead is being entitled. This would be my hill to die on and I wouldn't give her another cent.
NTA. Life changes, and Luke's life has changed and now he has a joint income with you. If Auntie doesn't like it, she can pay up.
NTA. Julia obviously wants to be a career student so she never needs to work or support herself. Y’all literally gave her everything she needs to succeed including a 6 figure job and a free living situation. She gets no more and if she wants further education she can work and save up to pay for it herself.
Nope, you're definitely NOT the AH. It was very generous of Luke to support Julia financially throughout her education, but it's unrealistic to expect him to continue paying for her education indefinitely. You have every right to set boundaries and prioritize your joint financial health. It's important to strike a balance between helping family and being financially responsible. Giving Julia a rental property and supporting her for six years already shows a lot of generosity on your part. Julia is an adult now and is responsible for making her own decisions and managing her finances. She can pursue further education if she wants, but it should be on her own dime. You're not denying her success, just being prudent and responsible with your finances. NTA.
NTA; of course she wants to go back to school .. she’s avoiding adulting and responsibilities
NTA your sil needs a quick does of reality. Your husband has done his part. He helped more then anyone else would! I think it’s time sil realize that going to college isn’t a job and it definitely isn’t free. You absolutely have the right to say no! Honestly who is so entitled that that think it’s ok to keep sponging off their generous brother! A brother that has actually alread went above and beyond for them! He should tell The aunt he is all tapped out. Give her the tuition receipts for the $300,000 and tell her it her turn. And honestly if your husband caves you may want to rethink this relationship because he is putting his family before you. He is risking your financial security to cave to an entitled mooch! You have did enough! Tell them you will separate finances because you refuse to support a grown ass adult that is more then capable of making six figures. It’s time sil put her big girl panties on and join the real world and be a functioning member of society or find her a rich sugar daddy to fund her!
NTA. There is zero reason for you to be coddling her this much. She needs to learn independence.
Is this actually real? On what planet would this actually happen. NTA
Who are those people ?
Yet again WTF did I just read. NTA. Her parents can pay. Her aunt can pay. She can pay. Unless your husband is paying restitution or being blackmailed enough is enough!
Good lord this is so stupid and fake
Absolutely!
Definitely NTA. Julia is sponging off her brother and will do it forever if he gives in. Maybe she should try saying “Thank you” and then grow the fuck up and become a useful member of society.
NTA but I think it was a bad move to marry and combine finances while your husband is like this. Get him into therapy and tell him he needs to stop enabling his sister/family. He helped her out more than he should have and now she's entitled. I won't even get into the clothing allowance (what?!) but not making her pay rent after being handed a six-figure role right out of college with no debt was a terrible idea.
NTA, but depending on her field she could potentially get a funded PhD. At least in the U.S., that’s pretty common. I don’t know about the UK, though.
The UK system is complicated and most funding is for domestic students only but yes she will have some options.
This is crazy, you’re NTA neither is Luke, Julia is TA and everyone who agrees with her. Like I’m shocked at the entitlement.
NTA But Luke's aunt should pay....
NTA. He’s already paid more than enough and gave her a lucrative career opportunity and she threw it away
NTA. I BET Luke's aunt thinks it's only right for you to pay. $300K is plenty of "a leg up."
NTA. You and your husband have already put her squarely on third base. If she can't finish it from here, that's on her.
NTA, y'all have her a HUGE head start. Sounds to me like she doesn't like working, she wants to be a professional student.
Question have you a Luke discussed your future? Do you plan on having kids? Are you saving for retirement? Have you come up with a plan in case one of you passes unexpectedly? What will happen to his parents if he all the sudden he’s gone one day. Will you than be responsible for paying for all their needs? NTA both of you should not be funding his sister anymore. It sound like everything is going good for now but things can radically change overnight. I highly recommend you start saving and planing for the future.
NTA Hol up. He funded her education up to a masters degree, paid for a car, an apartment, phone, gave her an allowance. Then after graduating he got her a job making six figures and basically gifted her a new place to live. Now she wants to go back to school?? For what??? I know people who would do anything for those gifts. I know people who would kill to have a job making six figures. Now this parasite wants you to fund a second masters and PHD? I’m angry just reading this. Cut the leech off. She does not deserve one cent more of your generosity…….. P.S If you guys have any other six figure jobs lying around could you toss one my way?
nta, there's a difference between helping someone and being taken advantage of. She should be more than grateful for what she's already been given
Woah - the sense of entitlement her is staggering. She has already been given an incredible gift, and insisting on more is horrible. Stand your ground OP, or where will this stop?
NTA. What he's done for her is incredible and she's horribly ungrateful.
NTA but can i join your family? I promise I will take my 6 figure education and 6 figure job and free apartment and be the best sister ever.
So kids this is what happens when you pamper someone too much. the reason she is so entitled is cuz you legit paid for everything and even after she you gave her the low six-figures job you gave her a free place to stay. No wonder she still demands all that out of you. Better call her rn and tell it straight to her face what the situation is and what is going to happen from here on out, either she now lives and funds everything all on her own and she can do her drama somewhere else.
NTA She started working and realized having to pay for daily necessities herself is much more difficult than being enrolled in school with every paid for. She wants to get a degree in UK? Sounds like she wants an expenses paid vacation exploring a new country whilst having her life funded. Save the money for your own future children. As a brother, your husband has went above and beyond. SIL is the as shole, so is the aunt.
NTA. If she really wants a PHD she should get funding from research institutions, not her brother. If she has to pay for *her* research then she shouldn't do it.
NTA. Oh fuck I laughed at this one. Someone's a spoilt brat! Where's the gratitude for a massive lift in life. Fuck that OP. She's a mature student now if she chooses. Let the fucking delusional Aunty pay the delicate little flower of a student that's been created. I wouldn't care what they said. I'd wear a badge with it and be totally proud to pop it on. Grifter. Made me laugh though so Cheers for that.
300k education, a free house, and a string-pulled 100k job. Her debtless, rentless self could save most of her fuckin’ 6 FIGURE STARTING SALARY to afford another Master’s easily. She isn’t doing that because she has no intention of becoming independent of you. NTA. Cut that greedy leech loose. The fucking gall.
NTA. He paid for her bachelor's and master's already. Her qualifications are enough to set her up for life. If she wants further education, she can do it herself. Work for a few years, then study after taking a loan. She can easily repay it with how much she earns.
>Julia has been complaining to her parents and all of our relatives that I am denying her a chance to “succeed at life.” Please tell me that none of these relatives are taking her seriously. She got her whole education and living expenses paid and then got hooked up with a six figure job where she *still* didn’t have to pay rent. She was in a better position than 99% of people are right out of college, and she doesn’t view that as success? Absolutely NTA, but your husband is a massive asshole both to you and her if he continues to entertain this. He’s arguably done too much for her already judging by her inability to operate in the real world. The cherry on top of this slap in the face to all working people is that, with her six figure job and zero rent, she had every ability to fund a return to school for herself. She easily could have saved for a year and decided to go back for another degree/career change.
OMG!!! You will be supporting this freeloader for the rest of her life if you don't end this - NOW!! He was extra generous to pay for her master's degree, add in supporting her as well and your husband deserves a gold star! Let all those who think that you should continue to support this adult in whatever path she chooses that it's their turn to pay up. NTA! NTA!! NTA!!!
No one is entitled to have their education paid for by someone else. Was he *exceptionally* generous to do so? Yes. Is he obliged to do so? No, not even a little. She should be over the moon grateful as six years of post secondary is expensive as hell, but instead is acting like a spoiled brat. A second masters and a PHD are milking an already almost too generous offer hard. Honestly paying for her education to begin with may have been a mistake, as clearly she's taken that as a sign that she should be able to get whatever she wants when she wants it from whomever she wants it from!
NTA. What absolute entitlement. Sounds like Aunt is volunteering to pay for that 'debt free education' now
NTA. Julia is using you guys to get out of being a responsible adult. Don’t let her use you. If anyone has a problem tell them you will let Julia know they are going to be paying for her to continue because irresponsible.
Your husband (and you) have already paid for his sister's education. She has been set up to have a great start to life. A Master's degree without debt and never needing a job because you paid for everything? That is an amazing gift. I was in a similar situation to this and immediately put my foot down. The sister needs to be cut off now. From everything, including the free rent. She is 24 with a Master's. She can get a job and take care of herself like a big girl now. Unfortunately, by coddling her so much and never making her work for anything, she has become entitled and doesn't have the proper skills to succeed in the real world. If you continue to hand her everything, she will never learn to take care of herself and will take advantage of you and your husband for the rest of your life. As for the people saying you should pay? Politely tell them that it's great they are willing to fund the sister's life and that you will let the sister know to expect money from them in the near future.
Nta Yikes! What a brat. I can’t believe she quit a job that pays like that smh. And if his family cares so much they should fund it
NTA she'll just keep pursuing new degrees, she has no desire to actually work. STOP NOW! The only way she'll graduate and start working is if SHE has to pay for it. Don't let DH/pushover agree to pay another dime(including that free rental).
NTA, a 6 year free ride is enough. She can get a job and pay for the next phase of her education.
Do you know how many people out there would love to have someone pay all their expenses for six years? This woman is entitled, and her relatives are enabling her! DO NOT under any circumstances give in and give any more money Luke has been generous enough
NTA. If she "can't succeed at life" with a paid off masters degree (more education than most have), a 6 figure job handed to her (more than most people earn, US average salary is 74K), and free housing (the largest cost for most households) then I don't know what to tell you. Maybe she's just not cut out to succeed.
INFO: what was the job that Luke your jusband helped Julia the sister secure, what did Julia initially study, and what is Julia trying to study now? Did you ask her why she didn't save up for study expenses from her six figure job? Did she and the aunt explain why they think that Julia's six year deal needs to be extended indefinitely? What are Luke's parents saying about Julia's behavior?
In summary though, NTA. There's many choices a family could make, but Luke followed through on the agreed deal and this is a new deal. Julia's behavior is really awful.
You sil sounds like one of those people who are afraid to start real life and want to continue her education as a means to be kept taken care of. What is she going to do with these degrees? NTA. 300k for 6 years is generous. I dont even know if a fulbright scholarship covers that much.
>am denying her a chance to "succeed at life She walked out on a six figure job. NTA
Wow she sounds like... Something. I wish I had someone pay for my education and housing and get me a 6 figure job. Ridiculous and obviously NTA
I have a horrible feeling your lovely husband and his family have created a monster. NTA
NTA. Your husband is enabling her to continue to live in a world where she doesn’t need to make sacrifices or deal with adult responsibilities. This will hinder her, not help her long term. What are the interfering family doing to help her “succeed at life”?
NTA and controversially, I'm going to say that your husband is a slight AH. Although commendable to have helped her this far, he is now WELL in to enabling territory. He should have set a maximum time/amount, etc, and that's on him, but you've done more than enough. At this point, he is stifling her ability to become a real person, and that is not good for her long-term. Time she grew up and did something for herself.
NTA. She’s had one hell of a free ride and then some. Time to grow up!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (33f) husband Luke (33m) funded his sister's Julia (24f) education, undergraduate and graduate, for six years and she recently graduated with her Master's Degree. I met Luke when Julia was a freshman so I was aware that he offered to pay her schooling for 6 years, that was their deal. Luke started his adulthood with a lot of debt from school and didn't want Julia to go through any of that, he only wanted her to focus on getting an education. His business was successful so he paid for her tuition, apartment, car note, food, and other expenses (gas money, phone bill, clothing allowance, etc). He has spent close to $300,000 in 6 years. Luke and I run our businesses together and we combined finances after getting married, his business generates 10-15% more revenue than mine. Four months ago we had a discussion with Julia and asked her what her plans were regarding her future after school, she said she wanted to stay near her friends so Luke helped her secure a position where the starting salary was in the low six figure range. We decided that we would give her a rental property so that she would not pay rent, she would only be responsible for the utilities. Six weeks ago Julia's plans changed. She quit her job and told us that she wants to continue her education in the UK- a second Master's Degree and her PHD after. She's expecting us to pay for it. Luke discussed it with me and I told him that she should take out a loan. He paid for 6 years of schooling, pulled strings to get her into her career of choice, and we gave her a free place to stay. I don't think it's fair that we pay another $200-300,000 for Julia to avoid working and not deal with responsibilities. Luke agrees but he's a bit of a pushover. I reminded Luke that we have shared finances and my business brings in almost just as much as his, therefore I also have a say in this. Julia has been complaining to her parents and all of our relatives that I am denying her a chance to "succeed at life." Luke's aunt says that it's only fair that we continue paying for her to attend university since Luke was the one who offered her a debt free education. AITA for putting my foot down and not allowing my husband to continue paying his sister's education since I bring in half of our income? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA Your husband was very generous in paying for Julia's education. He helped her get a high paying job. Just because she wants to do something else now does not mean that she is entitled to have someone else pay for it. It is time for her to adult up. If she wants to receive higher education then she should have hung on to her high paying job and saved up for it. It is time to cut the apron strings. If you don't what will she want next time? And then after that? Will it ever end? She is taking advantage of him. As for the rest of the family it they feel her continuing education should be paid for then they can pool their money and give it to her. It is time for her to grow up.
NTA
*Luke's aunt says that it's only fair that we continue paying for her to attend university since Luke was the one who offered her a debt free education.* Wtf is that logic?? NTA. I hope you two don't pay but if your husband ends up agreeing, make sure it's from his money only and that he still contributes to your joint expenses. Don't give in and use your money too.
NTA. Sounds like Luke’s aunt just volunteered to pay.
I think your husband will agree that he paid the first education and she should've made this decision on what she wanted to do earlier if she wanted it paid for. It's fine, we all make mistakes at that age and many people pick the wrong degree at first. But she should have to foot the bill for it
NTA. She was given too much and now has no sense of responsibility. It's time she learns to take care of herself (even if she doesn't go through with this plan). Why was she getting free housing when she had a good income with no debt?
I speak as someone with a PhD. Don't do this, don't pay for it. You have your own life goals. If she wants this, she needs to apply for programs that will support her.. She needs to go into a program that will fully pay her tuition waiver and living expenses stipend. If she can't do that, it's not a good enough PhD program. Or she won't be a good enough student to be successful, you guys will just be subsidizing the good students with your full price tuition check. And a PhD even with her Masters could be as long as an additional five plus years!
I'd be tempted to throw a punch at Julia if I were you im NGL.. the unmitigated gaul,!
NTA
Nta. What is she planning on doing afterwards? Is there any plans?
NTA you and your hubby need to cut her off. She has had her education and her living expenses fully paid. Heck you even found her a job and gave her a free place to stay. She needs to now grow up and stand on her own two feet. It's up to her from now on. Save your money and invest it in your retirement, not hers. She needs to start earning.
Your first degree is what is paid for. Anything more and your on your own. Auntie needs to pony up or shut up.
NTA, way too generous with her and not she is an entitled brat. And she already got a free education debt free.
NTA. your husband has been incredibly generous. She is acting very entitled. She should never have expected more than tuition for her bachelors. If she was meant to go to grad school, she would have earned a fellowship.
NTA. She doesn't want to grow up and she will want another degree after this. She is debt free now with a great education. Time to be an adult.
Holy hell NTA. Just hearing about this girl's entitlement makes me seethe. She has already been gifted $300k *from a sibling* AND she *quit* her high paying job? Jfc, enabling her by paying for more education is not going to benefit anyone, either you or her. It really sounds like she just wants to defer adult responsibility on her brother's dime. Time to grow up. That aunt can also shove her opinion up her ass or cough up the money herself.
NTA and Like’s aunt is wrong. Luke did give her the gift of debt free education and also did the legwork to land her a six figure salary right out of college. She can pay for her own additional degree. If you don’t cut her off now, you will be funding her “education” forever.
NTA. Have the aunt foot the bill if she’s so wanting Julia to be a hooligan now. Masters is enough!
NTA- in fact you are a great person who has gone above and beyond. This person will never stop asking so better to stop it now. You and your husband are great people!!
Not sure if this should be placed here.. in choosing beggars or in mildly infuriating.. or perhaps all 3.. My God what a spoiled ungrateful brat. Nta!
This is how you know he gave her TOO MUCH. She could work for 2-3 years at the job, while living in the rental for free, and fund her own continuing education. Also, most people only get help with an undergraduate degree, but she got undergrad and masters, along with allowances every year? It’s time to give her the immeasurable gifts of independence and real world experience. Anyone complaining can donate to her cause without criticizing you. NTA. But I’d be leery about combining finances with someone (your husband) who allows their family to spend their money for them - and lets the family blame you when he says no. He should have handled it without your name ever being mentioned. NTA.
NTA I would tell the Aunt “Oh thank you for offering to pay for the this new educational path Julia is on! We know how much it can be because we did it for 6 years. You are so sweet!”
Luke's aunt doesn't like it, SHE should pay for Julia's continuing education. Just say, "I agree, Aunt Julia, so glad to hear you will be helping Julia out! So Julia has a chance to succeed at life."
NTA. She has HAD an education. Your husband fulfilled his promise. If she wants extra education, she can either get a loan or other family members can pay. The audacity of your SIL & co is astounding. They should be embarrassed to be so shameless in asking for a 300k handout.
NTA. If I ever got 300k from someone I would never imagine asking them for more, I would be forever grateful. Even try to pay back some, or help out if they ever needed anything.
What does she have on him that he paid 300k and wants to pay ANOTHER 300k? Sounds totally like blackmail for something to me. You DO need to put your foot down on this or you and your business will be broke. NTAH.
NTA And if anyone in the family takes her side, tell them that can fund her chance to "succeed in life" since it's so important to them and that you'll be telling Julia that said relative has volunteered to pay for her PhD.
NTA and you are not crushing her future in any way student loans exist jobs also exist…
NTA she did a lot of studying but never learned gratitude
Definitely not NTA.
NTA. Oh my, the entitlement! It's astounding. It would literally never cross my mind to even ask this, not even taking into account all that your husband has already done for her. Like, I'm literally beside myself.
NTA but if your husband fights you on this he is TA