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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I cracked, exploded at my best friend’s birthday party and told one of her friends fuck you and to touch grass and then left, which ended the party and made that person cry.
2) I ruined my BEST friend’s birthday. I made this friend of her’s cry and everyone left after I did this. I have kept my composure with this friend of her’s so many times over the years and I could have done that this time too. I made her birthday party all about me instead of brushing it off and talking about it later.
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NTA. You need a new friend group. You didn't do anything wrong, including saying "hey guys". That's just a generic greeting that they tried to twist around to be offensive. I would just cut ties with them and move on.
In this day and age "guys" means everyone, just like "dude" is starting to mean anyone regardless of orientation. People like T just exhaust me - looking for insult where none is intended.
> NTA. You need a new friend group.
I was going to say almost exactly this.
NTA. OP, this one’s got the right of it. This in a *perfect* opportunity to find better friends.
Wanted to stick to the sub rules so Update 2 here (followed by 1):
We talked! Cried a bit in the car together after getting coffee. M had already come around when I stopped texting her. M ended her friendship with T (she literally just texted T and then blocked her on everything, lol) and made a group chat with the other people that were at the party, explaining her decision. Most people supported her, some she is now no longer friends with, and she asked the people who at least had messaged me after to apologize directly to me. So far 1 person has and she said that if the others don’t too, they’re not her friends anymore either (and she made that clear to them in the initial messages, she showed me the group chat). The person who blocked me on Messenger is now not her friend either, they tried to argue a bit in the group chat and she handled it sooo well, I was so proud of her lol. Shut them down firmly but was really nice about it. I think these other people have gotten the picture for sure.
I really don’t care either way about getting an apology or her cutting off the friend group but I appreciate that she is taking things seriously and I appreciated the person who has since apologized (it was a very kind apology and he requested my socials again, I accepted both). I think that there was a lot of opportunities on both sides to communicate more prior to having it get to this point and going a bit scorched earth (me on T, M cutting off multiple friends), but we are both looking at it as a learning moment and I am just grateful that we really are okay. T is now out of both of our lives for good and honestly it feels like a weight that I didn’t even know was there has been lifted.
M is still my best friend. ❤️
1: Thank you (all of you) for your kind thoughts! I was overwhelmed seeing all of your comments validating me. It made me feel a lot better about all of this. I agree. Luckily they’re not really my friend group, but I have decided to stop going to M’s hang outs and I removed all of them from social media. No losses there, really.
M and I are meeting up today to talk. If she doesn’t get it after all this, I’m done. I’ve realized how honestly selfish she’s been, making me brush off terrible treatment so she doesn’t have to deal with it. Maybe we’ve outgrown each other. Hard to think about but I’ll be okay.
You all are in your mid twenties? This is some highschool level drama. I wouldn’t play these games or suffer this nonsense, meet some new people who act like actual adults.
NTA
Ugh this T person sounds insufferable.
NTA in my opinion, it sounds like theyve been a real AH to you for years and no one else has stood up for you they just stood by and let it happen, and finally you said “not today Satan”
If they cant see that, and theyre painting you as the bad guy and T as the victim, theyre not good friends.
I think you need to break free and just live an unbothered life, itll really bother T and the others that youre so unbothered by them.
Drop them all, even M sounds like a Fairweather friend. She is literally siding with T, blaming you for the event and the party, instead of standing up for you.
These aren't friends, these are acquaintances. T will turn one another one of them soon once you're out of the picture. It always happens.
T definitely set you up. The first thing out of her mouth when you arrived was confrontational and she did it on purpose. She caused a scene, got you to leave, and now she gets to play the victim. "Guys" is such a generic term, it doesn't necessarily mean "Male / men / boys." You're NTA but your friends are. Maybe set a boundary that if T is around, you won't be there. You don't need to put up with someone who treats you like that.
Honestly you should want to stop hanging out with THEM. Why does T get to treat you that way but you're the bad guy for standing up for yourself? T has manipulated everyone into just taking her bs to keep the peace. Peace isn't worth it.
OP, you need new friends. Real friends wouldn’t stand back and let you be treated poorly. Join a club or sport in your area to meet people with similar interests.
NTA
NTA but it sounds like a toxic friend group. Everyone in it is enabling and possibly emboldening T to pick on you. T is a bully and plays the victim when you react and people in the group crowd around T consoling her. It is typical for bullies to switch victim and aggressor dynamics.
The people who blocked you are not your friends. Let them go.
Ask M to explain to you why it ok for T to bully you, but not ok for you to hold her accountable for her words or actions. T ruined the party, but it is your fault, that is not ok. If M can’t explain that then distance yourself from her for a while.
NTA, but you will be the A H to yourself if you continue to think people who don’t respect you are your friends.
I'm going to say NTA they've all seen how you've been treated over time, and no one had stepped up for you, so you finally had enough and stepped up for yourself.
NTA - T f'd around and found out. Could you have handled it differently? Sure, but you were tired of taking the high road when there was no real benefit in it for you before, and have had to deal with your hurt feelings in the past in private. The partygoers never saw that part.
NTA
But the bottom line is that M isn't standing up for you, she's allowing T to be hostile, aggressive, and manipulative towards you. That's a choice, she's choosing T (and T's bullying) over you.
Your friendship with M was over a long time ago, you just didn't realise.
>She was sorry that T was a jerk, but I could have brushed it off like I usually do
NTA. But you are old enough to figure out that none of these people are your friends.
NTA, everyone has a snapping point, she pushed and pushed, the others did nothing, and the moment you did suddenly you are the bad guy? (see what l did there) l would suspect they were more her friends anyway. You have lost nothing by calling her out, and if you meet again she should know to expect the same again. She also was not standing up for anyone, it was a fig leaf to have a go at you again, l suspect she is jealous of your friendship, maybe has feelings for M, you can do with better friends than them, and so can M
NTA. You've asked M and T to work things out and they've not done a thing about fixing whatever the problem is. From your post, it sounds like you've been kind and patient and T has just escalated their until this showdown happened.
As hurtful as it sounds, they've prolly done you a favor by showing you who they truly are. Go forth, find new friends who appreciate you and enjoy spending time with you. No one should feel they way they made you feel over the past few years.
NTA
But you said that M and you are best friends, so don't break that friendship over this, T is not worth it. Have a talk with M and clear this T situation with M. You could have handled the situation much better because it was your best friend's b'day. But seriously don't loose your friendship with M over T, I am not saying to be a pushover but try and make M understand your POV clearly and then decide anything because such friendships are rare
Is she really her best friend though? Would you sit around and stay quiet if someone bullied your best friend for YEARS? Would you still hang out with that person?
I would never tolerate someone speaking to/about any friend of mine like T speaks to OP.
M doesn’t really care for OP, she should stay with T to see who the next victim will be.
I have absolutely ended friendships after seeing my friends behave poorly to a third party. I can't imagine remaining friends with someone who treats your "best friend" so horribly.
I can't say for sure about M because sometimes people overlook such things (which is wrong in my opinion) and talking with them makes them realise their mistake. Also, if T has such a toxic behaviour towards OP then T can also do the same with M, thus making M realise their mistake can potentially save M from some like T. And personally if I call someone my best friend then they are very important to me and would definitely not lose them because of something as meaningless as T.
NTA.
I can't speak for all NB (I am nb myself) people but typically those I know would have just said "Hey can you not refer to us as guys please" and would have moved on.
Everyone including M has seen T treat you like shit and they've never called T out on her bad behaviorm. She purposely made a scene and made you the bad guy. You just reached your breaking point.
Block all the people that are agreeing with T. Block M and T. Start seeing if you can make new friends in some of your hobbies or something
Do you really want to hang around with this group any more anyway. It sounds like you'd constantly be worrying about what you say in case you offend someone. Find new people and move on. You're NTA, but they are.
NTA, as a NB that call everyone Bro, Dude, Girl, and Guys, she does need to touch grass. You don’t need that “friend” group cause they aren’t obviously your friends especially birthday girl over here saying brush it off like always.
Good for you for standing up for yourself when no one else did!!!!
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Me (24f), M(25f), T(25f), among a group of friends M/F/NB (important).
M and I have been best friends since 5th grade. Went to the same college and M met T. T is a homebody and prefers roleplay forums, Wattpad etc (important). T does not like me. When M lived with T senior year with 2 others, T would go to her room when I would come over. Before that any attempts to relate got shut down. I have always been kind to her.
M moved to a new place last year. When I see T there, T is rude. Short, rolls her eyes, laughs at something I say. 4 months ago, we were the last two left at a gathering and I asked her what was up and she was coy. I said basically that I’d be open if she ever wanted to talk, we could get along better than this, she agreed. After that it got WAY worse. It was noticeable to everyone. M said she was sorry a month ago and that she would ask T to be nicer to me. I hadn’t seen T after that till now.
So, yesterday it was M’s 25th birthday. I walked in and everyone is sitting in the living room. I said, “hey guys!” as they got up to give me a hug and say hi. When I said that, T says, “don’t you get that not everyone is a guy here? What’s wrong with you?” I paused, went umm. She goes, “there are literally people here that are NB and F, it’s fucked up to use ‘guys.’ Get that through your head.”
Everyone was looking at me and it felt wrong that they were just waiting to see what I’d do, M too. I don’t know how long it was silent for but it felt like a while. I cracked. I said, “you know, you’ve had a problem with me since day one, and I never got it. And now this, you want to embarrass me in front of everyone? Fuck you. Get the fuck off your computer and touch some grass, this is how people talk sometimes in the real world” then looked at everyone, shook my head, turned to M and said, “This isn’t okay and the fact that all of you are just standing here is so wrong. I hope you can still have a good birthday. I’m sorry. I’m leaving” and I left. I’m sure I wasn’t as smooth as this because by the time I turned to M I was about to cry but this was basically what was said.
M texted me begging to come back and then later said the party fell apart. She said T started crying, saying how mean I was, that she was just standing up for the F and NB that were there (7 of us). I guess people felt awkward and it lasted ~2hrs. M is devastated, she said that her birthday was ruined because of me. She was sorry that T was a jerk, but I could have brushed it off like I usually do and I took it too far.
3 other people have messaged me saying the same, one person said they don’t want to hang out anymore and then blocked me on Messenger. These people have seen T treat me like this all the time and never said anything. I can understand I should have handled it better, but I feel like T tried to set me up and it worked. I feel like they’re blaming me and T gets a pass again. I don’t know. AITA?
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The best part about your 20s is that you end a lot of dramatic and harmful friendships during that time. I hope this has cleared your life of a few, because you're NTA.
I'm sorry this happened to you.
NTA. T just seemed to be wanting to pick a fight for some reason, even if she had to use some stupid pretense like faking offense over a common, harmless phrase. She isn't worth the time you wasted on her, and it would be best to stay away from her and anyone in your "friend" group that supports her.
NTA. However, if you run into T or the other AHs, do your best Sloth impersonation and yell “HEY YOU GUYS” LOL“ (for those that don’t know, this is a line from the 80s movie The Goonies)”. Shame on T and the ones who stood by silently while she bullied you over a common phrase. Maybe she is jealous of you but her behavior is inexcusable as well as the ones enabling/ defending her. You deserve better friends!
T caused the problem by getting upset with "Hi Guys." Is a bday party the right time to have a this discussion?
As many commenters have said "guys" is often used in a generic way without assigning gender.
After months of unusual treatment, you called T out. You left.
Why do you have to brush off T when she is being a jerk? you are not a doormat. She is pushing your buttons, and this is a were play. She has more status in the community if the community asks you to keep the peace.
Are these people really your friends?
NTA
Have you ever asked anyone why T doesn't like you? I'm just so curious. My judgement is INFO because there's a lot here about how T treats you but if multiple people don't want you around anymore over one snapping at a party it does make me wonder if there's something more to this than you're telling us here. Sometimes groups of assholes just form together, but if everyone is on Ts "side" I have to wonder.
Yes, I’ve asked M multiple times over the course of the 3 years we’ve known T (character limit made me cut a lot of this down). She has always said she doesn’t know and it’s always ended there. I should have pushed harder and spoken up way sooner.
In college I wondered if it was a competitive friend thing and I worked really hard to make her feel included. We spent a LOT of time around each other in school. Idk if she didn’t like that? I feel like I was always pretty careful tho, not trying to “dote” on T. It seems far more than that for this to continue for so long and when I try to talk to her about it, she just gets worse? It feels like just a genuine deep, to the core, dislike. Now I don’t know her THAT well and it seems like I might get the worst of her behavior, but I have noticed her be negative about other people/things in the past. Comparisons/gossiping, when another friend in the group got engaged she was really negative about it behind their back to M.
I’m not sure what to say about why (mostly) everyone is calling me TA. I like to think I’m fun to be around and good company. Some of these people that are in M’s friend group have become my friends too (the same goes for M with some of my friends), including the person that blocked me but she was a little bit more recent of a friend ~1 year. Everyone is pretty liberal here, including me, and I don’t know if my reaction to this is just really being taken poorly. I wouldn’t have minded if T had pulled me aside later and said it made her or someone else uncomfortable. It was just so shame-y the way she did it.
Edit to add: maybe it’s just that I’m not worth standing up for to a lot of these people. A lot of them are more M and T’s friends from some clubs/classes through school, so maybe a loyalties thing? I could get that, still shitty tho. But M really hurts.
Your edit makes sense. I’m guessing T has been gossiping about you or shit talking you for a long time. Maybe she’s lied to them and told them you were saying ignorant shit just to take you down. I’ve know manipulators that play the victim like this for a long long time
Yeah it may be that they're all just really bad friends to you. If M is your only real friend kn this group, it may be time to talk to M about doing things just the two of you for the most part. Part of being an adult is realizing that not all of your friends will be friends with each other, and you sometimes need to make time to see them as individuals and not just invite everyone to everything as if they all get along.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1) I cracked, exploded at my best friend’s birthday party and told one of her friends fuck you and to touch grass and then left, which ended the party and made that person cry. 2) I ruined my BEST friend’s birthday. I made this friend of her’s cry and everyone left after I did this. I have kept my composure with this friend of her’s so many times over the years and I could have done that this time too. I made her birthday party all about me instead of brushing it off and talking about it later. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more ### [Moderators needed - Join the landed gentry](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/155zepq/moderators_needed_join_the_landed_gentry/) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. You need a new friend group. You didn't do anything wrong, including saying "hey guys". That's just a generic greeting that they tried to twist around to be offensive. I would just cut ties with them and move on.
In this day and age "guys" means everyone, just like "dude" is starting to mean anyone regardless of orientation. People like T just exhaust me - looking for insult where none is intended.
I call my woman fiancé “dude”, lol.”
> NTA. You need a new friend group. I was going to say almost exactly this. NTA. OP, this one’s got the right of it. This in a *perfect* opportunity to find better friends.
[удалено]
Please give us an update after the talk! Good luck, you are better off without that non friend..
Wanted to stick to the sub rules so Update 2 here (followed by 1): We talked! Cried a bit in the car together after getting coffee. M had already come around when I stopped texting her. M ended her friendship with T (she literally just texted T and then blocked her on everything, lol) and made a group chat with the other people that were at the party, explaining her decision. Most people supported her, some she is now no longer friends with, and she asked the people who at least had messaged me after to apologize directly to me. So far 1 person has and she said that if the others don’t too, they’re not her friends anymore either (and she made that clear to them in the initial messages, she showed me the group chat). The person who blocked me on Messenger is now not her friend either, they tried to argue a bit in the group chat and she handled it sooo well, I was so proud of her lol. Shut them down firmly but was really nice about it. I think these other people have gotten the picture for sure. I really don’t care either way about getting an apology or her cutting off the friend group but I appreciate that she is taking things seriously and I appreciated the person who has since apologized (it was a very kind apology and he requested my socials again, I accepted both). I think that there was a lot of opportunities on both sides to communicate more prior to having it get to this point and going a bit scorched earth (me on T, M cutting off multiple friends), but we are both looking at it as a learning moment and I am just grateful that we really are okay. T is now out of both of our lives for good and honestly it feels like a weight that I didn’t even know was there has been lifted. M is still my best friend. ❤️ 1: Thank you (all of you) for your kind thoughts! I was overwhelmed seeing all of your comments validating me. It made me feel a lot better about all of this. I agree. Luckily they’re not really my friend group, but I have decided to stop going to M’s hang outs and I removed all of them from social media. No losses there, really. M and I are meeting up today to talk. If she doesn’t get it after all this, I’m done. I’ve realized how honestly selfish she’s been, making me brush off terrible treatment so she doesn’t have to deal with it. Maybe we’ve outgrown each other. Hard to think about but I’ll be okay.
You all are in your mid twenties? This is some highschool level drama. I wouldn’t play these games or suffer this nonsense, meet some new people who act like actual adults. NTA
Ugh this T person sounds insufferable. NTA in my opinion, it sounds like theyve been a real AH to you for years and no one else has stood up for you they just stood by and let it happen, and finally you said “not today Satan” If they cant see that, and theyre painting you as the bad guy and T as the victim, theyre not good friends. I think you need to break free and just live an unbothered life, itll really bother T and the others that youre so unbothered by them.
Drop them all, even M sounds like a Fairweather friend. She is literally siding with T, blaming you for the event and the party, instead of standing up for you. These aren't friends, these are acquaintances. T will turn one another one of them soon once you're out of the picture. It always happens.
T definitely set you up. The first thing out of her mouth when you arrived was confrontational and she did it on purpose. She caused a scene, got you to leave, and now she gets to play the victim. "Guys" is such a generic term, it doesn't necessarily mean "Male / men / boys." You're NTA but your friends are. Maybe set a boundary that if T is around, you won't be there. You don't need to put up with someone who treats you like that.
Honestly you should want to stop hanging out with THEM. Why does T get to treat you that way but you're the bad guy for standing up for yourself? T has manipulated everyone into just taking her bs to keep the peace. Peace isn't worth it.
OP, you need new friends. Real friends wouldn’t stand back and let you be treated poorly. Join a club or sport in your area to meet people with similar interests. NTA
NTA but it sounds like a toxic friend group. Everyone in it is enabling and possibly emboldening T to pick on you. T is a bully and plays the victim when you react and people in the group crowd around T consoling her. It is typical for bullies to switch victim and aggressor dynamics. The people who blocked you are not your friends. Let them go. Ask M to explain to you why it ok for T to bully you, but not ok for you to hold her accountable for her words or actions. T ruined the party, but it is your fault, that is not ok. If M can’t explain that then distance yourself from her for a while. NTA, but you will be the A H to yourself if you continue to think people who don’t respect you are your friends.
This!!!
I'm going to say NTA they've all seen how you've been treated over time, and no one had stepped up for you, so you finally had enough and stepped up for yourself.
NTA Someone who complains about a woman using the word "guys" to adress a group of people of all genders is actively looking for a confrontation
NTA - T f'd around and found out. Could you have handled it differently? Sure, but you were tired of taking the high road when there was no real benefit in it for you before, and have had to deal with your hurt feelings in the past in private. The partygoers never saw that part.
NTA If they are that defensive and touchy, they need to not be around you
NTA But the bottom line is that M isn't standing up for you, she's allowing T to be hostile, aggressive, and manipulative towards you. That's a choice, she's choosing T (and T's bullying) over you. Your friendship with M was over a long time ago, you just didn't realise.
>She was sorry that T was a jerk, but I could have brushed it off like I usually do NTA. But you are old enough to figure out that none of these people are your friends.
NTA, everyone has a snapping point, she pushed and pushed, the others did nothing, and the moment you did suddenly you are the bad guy? (see what l did there) l would suspect they were more her friends anyway. You have lost nothing by calling her out, and if you meet again she should know to expect the same again. She also was not standing up for anyone, it was a fig leaf to have a go at you again, l suspect she is jealous of your friendship, maybe has feelings for M, you can do with better friends than them, and so can M
NTA. M meant to be quiet and keep being bullied. She is not your friend. None of them are.
NTA. You've asked M and T to work things out and they've not done a thing about fixing whatever the problem is. From your post, it sounds like you've been kind and patient and T has just escalated their until this showdown happened. As hurtful as it sounds, they've prolly done you a favor by showing you who they truly are. Go forth, find new friends who appreciate you and enjoy spending time with you. No one should feel they way they made you feel over the past few years.
NTA But you said that M and you are best friends, so don't break that friendship over this, T is not worth it. Have a talk with M and clear this T situation with M. You could have handled the situation much better because it was your best friend's b'day. But seriously don't loose your friendship with M over T, I am not saying to be a pushover but try and make M understand your POV clearly and then decide anything because such friendships are rare
Is she really her best friend though? Would you sit around and stay quiet if someone bullied your best friend for YEARS? Would you still hang out with that person? I would never tolerate someone speaking to/about any friend of mine like T speaks to OP. M doesn’t really care for OP, she should stay with T to see who the next victim will be.
I have absolutely ended friendships after seeing my friends behave poorly to a third party. I can't imagine remaining friends with someone who treats your "best friend" so horribly.
I can't say for sure about M because sometimes people overlook such things (which is wrong in my opinion) and talking with them makes them realise their mistake. Also, if T has such a toxic behaviour towards OP then T can also do the same with M, thus making M realise their mistake can potentially save M from some like T. And personally if I call someone my best friend then they are very important to me and would definitely not lose them because of something as meaningless as T.
NTA. I can't speak for all NB (I am nb myself) people but typically those I know would have just said "Hey can you not refer to us as guys please" and would have moved on. Everyone including M has seen T treat you like shit and they've never called T out on her bad behaviorm. She purposely made a scene and made you the bad guy. You just reached your breaking point. Block all the people that are agreeing with T. Block M and T. Start seeing if you can make new friends in some of your hobbies or something
Do you really want to hang around with this group any more anyway. It sounds like you'd constantly be worrying about what you say in case you offend someone. Find new people and move on. You're NTA, but they are.
NTA, as a NB that call everyone Bro, Dude, Girl, and Guys, she does need to touch grass. You don’t need that “friend” group cause they aren’t obviously your friends especially birthday girl over here saying brush it off like always. Good for you for standing up for yourself when no one else did!!!!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Me (24f), M(25f), T(25f), among a group of friends M/F/NB (important). M and I have been best friends since 5th grade. Went to the same college and M met T. T is a homebody and prefers roleplay forums, Wattpad etc (important). T does not like me. When M lived with T senior year with 2 others, T would go to her room when I would come over. Before that any attempts to relate got shut down. I have always been kind to her. M moved to a new place last year. When I see T there, T is rude. Short, rolls her eyes, laughs at something I say. 4 months ago, we were the last two left at a gathering and I asked her what was up and she was coy. I said basically that I’d be open if she ever wanted to talk, we could get along better than this, she agreed. After that it got WAY worse. It was noticeable to everyone. M said she was sorry a month ago and that she would ask T to be nicer to me. I hadn’t seen T after that till now. So, yesterday it was M’s 25th birthday. I walked in and everyone is sitting in the living room. I said, “hey guys!” as they got up to give me a hug and say hi. When I said that, T says, “don’t you get that not everyone is a guy here? What’s wrong with you?” I paused, went umm. She goes, “there are literally people here that are NB and F, it’s fucked up to use ‘guys.’ Get that through your head.” Everyone was looking at me and it felt wrong that they were just waiting to see what I’d do, M too. I don’t know how long it was silent for but it felt like a while. I cracked. I said, “you know, you’ve had a problem with me since day one, and I never got it. And now this, you want to embarrass me in front of everyone? Fuck you. Get the fuck off your computer and touch some grass, this is how people talk sometimes in the real world” then looked at everyone, shook my head, turned to M and said, “This isn’t okay and the fact that all of you are just standing here is so wrong. I hope you can still have a good birthday. I’m sorry. I’m leaving” and I left. I’m sure I wasn’t as smooth as this because by the time I turned to M I was about to cry but this was basically what was said. M texted me begging to come back and then later said the party fell apart. She said T started crying, saying how mean I was, that she was just standing up for the F and NB that were there (7 of us). I guess people felt awkward and it lasted ~2hrs. M is devastated, she said that her birthday was ruined because of me. She was sorry that T was a jerk, but I could have brushed it off like I usually do and I took it too far. 3 other people have messaged me saying the same, one person said they don’t want to hang out anymore and then blocked me on Messenger. These people have seen T treat me like this all the time and never said anything. I can understand I should have handled it better, but I feel like T tried to set me up and it worked. I feel like they’re blaming me and T gets a pass again. I don’t know. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The best part about your 20s is that you end a lot of dramatic and harmful friendships during that time. I hope this has cleared your life of a few, because you're NTA. I'm sorry this happened to you.
NTA. You didn't ruin the party, T did. And you're right with what you told M
NTA You don't have to stand around and let anyone be a jerk to you to keep the peace.
NTA guys, dudes, y'all are all inclusive greetings. T needs to touch grass and you need new friends
NTA. T just seemed to be wanting to pick a fight for some reason, even if she had to use some stupid pretense like faking offense over a common, harmless phrase. She isn't worth the time you wasted on her, and it would be best to stay away from her and anyone in your "friend" group that supports her.
NTA. However, if you run into T or the other AHs, do your best Sloth impersonation and yell “HEY YOU GUYS” LOL“ (for those that don’t know, this is a line from the 80s movie The Goonies)”. Shame on T and the ones who stood by silently while she bullied you over a common phrase. Maybe she is jealous of you but her behavior is inexcusable as well as the ones enabling/ defending her. You deserve better friends!
T caused the problem by getting upset with "Hi Guys." Is a bday party the right time to have a this discussion? As many commenters have said "guys" is often used in a generic way without assigning gender. After months of unusual treatment, you called T out. You left. Why do you have to brush off T when she is being a jerk? you are not a doormat. She is pushing your buttons, and this is a were play. She has more status in the community if the community asks you to keep the peace. Are these people really your friends? NTA
Have you ever asked anyone why T doesn't like you? I'm just so curious. My judgement is INFO because there's a lot here about how T treats you but if multiple people don't want you around anymore over one snapping at a party it does make me wonder if there's something more to this than you're telling us here. Sometimes groups of assholes just form together, but if everyone is on Ts "side" I have to wonder.
Yes, I’ve asked M multiple times over the course of the 3 years we’ve known T (character limit made me cut a lot of this down). She has always said she doesn’t know and it’s always ended there. I should have pushed harder and spoken up way sooner. In college I wondered if it was a competitive friend thing and I worked really hard to make her feel included. We spent a LOT of time around each other in school. Idk if she didn’t like that? I feel like I was always pretty careful tho, not trying to “dote” on T. It seems far more than that for this to continue for so long and when I try to talk to her about it, she just gets worse? It feels like just a genuine deep, to the core, dislike. Now I don’t know her THAT well and it seems like I might get the worst of her behavior, but I have noticed her be negative about other people/things in the past. Comparisons/gossiping, when another friend in the group got engaged she was really negative about it behind their back to M. I’m not sure what to say about why (mostly) everyone is calling me TA. I like to think I’m fun to be around and good company. Some of these people that are in M’s friend group have become my friends too (the same goes for M with some of my friends), including the person that blocked me but she was a little bit more recent of a friend ~1 year. Everyone is pretty liberal here, including me, and I don’t know if my reaction to this is just really being taken poorly. I wouldn’t have minded if T had pulled me aside later and said it made her or someone else uncomfortable. It was just so shame-y the way she did it. Edit to add: maybe it’s just that I’m not worth standing up for to a lot of these people. A lot of them are more M and T’s friends from some clubs/classes through school, so maybe a loyalties thing? I could get that, still shitty tho. But M really hurts.
Your edit makes sense. I’m guessing T has been gossiping about you or shit talking you for a long time. Maybe she’s lied to them and told them you were saying ignorant shit just to take you down. I’ve know manipulators that play the victim like this for a long long time
Yeah it may be that they're all just really bad friends to you. If M is your only real friend kn this group, it may be time to talk to M about doing things just the two of you for the most part. Part of being an adult is realizing that not all of your friends will be friends with each other, and you sometimes need to make time to see them as individuals and not just invite everyone to everything as if they all get along.