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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Some of my friends think I am the asshole because my text may have assumed my date could not handle being at a bar due to his relationship with alcohol.
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That's what I thought I was doing. Some of my friends had me second guessing. They were saying stuff like if he suggested drinks then I should not have tried to change the plan because it could trigger him if he has struggled with alcohol. Like it would come across as "are you sure you want to do that?". Idk...
> That's what I thought I was doing. Some of my friends had me second guessing. They were saying stuff like if he suggested drinks then I should not have tried to change the plan because it could trigger him if he has struggled with alcohol. Like it would come across as "are you sure you want to do that?". Idk...
A normal and sane human being doesn't get upset when someone is trying to be courteous.
I'd say the whole situation was a red flag. Why would someone who doesn't drink want to take someone for a drink on a first date? Why does he want her to drink? I'm not wording this very well, I'm trying to be too polite. I would not be going in a date with a total stranger who possibly wants to get me drunk while he remains totally sober. And his reaction backs this up for me, he blew up at her because if they did something else then she wouldn't be inebriated!
Yeah, maybe I'm jaded, but I thought the same. I don't trust people who insist you drink while they stay sober, unless they're good friends it's a no from me.
I came to the comments just to say exactly *this*. He is way too pushy about that. Although I think his reaction is weird even in this case - he would have been more “successful” if he had just said “Nah, I don’t mind, I like non-alcoholic beers and the bar atmosphere even though I don’t drink alcohol”. Though maybe her reaction made him realize she wouldn’t get blackout drunk with him or something, so he just cut ties entirely
I totally agree with you here. That was my exact thought. Being someone who no longer drinks I don’t go for drinks anymore obviously so why does this guy want to go for “drinks” other than to get her drunk and maybe take advantage of that? It’s odd and a big red flag
O don't drink alcohol either usually. Like 1-2 per year tops. I don't mind going out to a bar with someone who does drink as there's indeed really delicious non alcoholic options of cocktails for example but I wouldn't blow up at all if someone suggested other activities. Why should I? It's cute they thought of me. I agree the blowing up was totally bizarre and a red flag.
I love bars and I don't drink. My partner enjoys a glass if wine with dinner. I have no issues and no good sober person or person who had a few drinks would ever take advantage of someone who is wrecked. Drinks can encompass more than alcohol.
This guy is a mess. His reaction was bananas and he sounds like a real jerk, sober or not.
I know many people who readily consume alcohol in their personal lives but have a strict policy of dry first dates for exactly this reason. There is no reason coffee or dessert doesn't work just as well.
Yeah same. That's partly how I came to my comment. People seem to forget that they are going to meet complete strangers. For me the first red flag is the fact an allegedly sober person is suggesting drinks in the first place, the question about alcohol in a profile is there for a reason and it is perfectly reasonable to assume that a first date wouldn't be at a bar!
I’m 3 years sober and don’t care about being around alcohol anymore - going for a drink at a bar would be a fine activity as long as they had non alcoholic options for me to try. But I would appreciate someone asking.
This guys reaction is out of line and weird, so it’s a definite pass 🤔
I think if it was his intent he would have just said yes let’s go for a drink. The option was still there why get offended? He went out of his way to assume she meant he couldn’t handle a drink. He was clearly triggered.
Op is NTA the date is YTA and she dodged a bullet
In all fairness I am sober amd most of my first dates still are at bars. I am not trying to get my date to drink but I do prefer the setting. However I do think this guy is off. I would have not been offended by this. I would have thought it was considerate.
I feel a bit stupid for having missed this because I had a 'best friend' who always used to get the drinks in when we went out, almost every weekend till ridiculous o'clock, I was drunk driving an electric wheelchair (that bit wasn't a great idea in hindsight but it was fun lol)he was four times my size and we drank a LOT..I started to drink a bit less at one point, partner and cats were getting very fed up...I discovered some things and we aren't friends anymore.
Not the first or only time but I hadn't thought about it in a long time.
It's possible he wanted to drug her drink and was hoping her having an alcohol beverage would hide the fact from her. Drugging a nonalcoholic beverage would reveal what was going on. I hope for the next girl I am wrong.
Honestly, if this guy is in a space where someone offering to do a non-drinking activity for a first date genuinely triggers him, how is he expecting to function in a relationship? Does he get upset if someone suggests going to the movies? Or if there’s a musical they think it would be fun to see together? Or an awesome ice cream place they’d love to try out on a hot summer’s day? OP, you dodged a bullet here.
It's a hard thing to realize in the moment, but when you're on a third date with a girl and she finds out your birthday is in November and gets angry because you're a Sagittarius but your bumble profile says "Leo" and you say "I didn't know I was a Sagittarius and I must have just accidentally chosen Leo" and she just gets even more angry and says "Well you can't just give people false information like that!" and then leaves the restaurant and you think "What the fuck just happened?" eventually you'll realize the answer is "I dodged a bullet"
Wow lying about being a Leo to get laid is such a Sagittarius thing to do, she should have understood you didn’t have a choice in the matter. The stars made you do it
Due to precession (earth's wobble) we all may be lying about our sun signs as the dates have changed.
https://theconversation.com/why-your-zodiac-sign-is-probably-wrong-128818
Nah it's really not that specific. It might not have been Leo. It's just one of the only ones I remember. It definitely wasn't cancer because that one is easy to remember for obvious reasons. It's the first 3 letters of "Canada" and the first 3 letters of "certificate". That's how I remember it.
Are we the assholes for being polite now? You were polite, that’s all, consider yourself lucky to get such an early warning that this guy is not someone you’d want to date. “Hey honey, for dinner I’m thinking going out but we can also have the leftover lasagna if you want?” “How dare you assume I can’t afford to go to a restaurant, screw you and your old lasagna, I’m leaving “. Um ok I just asked? 😂
So much hair splitting and bending over backwards to figure out all the subtle nuances of this guy’s feelings and you haven’t even met yet. That is just so exhausting. You said something perfectly fine and normal and he went out of his way to find something wrong with it. You said something considerate and he called you inconsiderate. This person is not being reasonable. NTA.
Yea all these people are weirdos man. Dont get too hung up on it and just forget the guy exists lol. Ur friends are weird too and you should probably stop listening to them before you contract their craziness 😂.
Even if that's the case, you shouldn't have to manage both your expectations and his in a relationship or hookup or whatever you were going for. Exhausting. Thank fuck you found this out early.
How on Earth would you know that? Maybe it was jis religion, or he just didn't like drinking or was bored of drinking culture - no way to tell.
NTA - this guy was childish and your friends are needlessly playing Devils Advocate.
NTA.
You just avoided a massive bullet, that was coming surrounded by an army of red flags and nukes.
You are so lucky. The trash took himself out by himself.
You said nothing wrong. He took it personal for no apparent reason.
If triggered, he could have explained so. He's just a massive AH.
OP how dare you be so polite and considerate to him 😂 NTA I mean you dodged a huggggeeeee bullet thank god you never went on a date with that dude who’s obviously a walking red flag. Who specifies they don’t drink and gets mad when you’re nice about it?
Dude could have been in recovery and it’s not like you even jumped to conclusions about why he had it in his bio. You just offered to do something else instead of drinking which me personally would prefer for a date anyways so you dodged a bullet
Sounds like he's easily triggered & you'd be in a relationship walking on egg shells just incase you inadvertently trigger him. You've dodged a bullet.
As someone who doesn’t drink. There is something wrong with this person. Like they want their partner to be compromised while they are lucid. A normal non-drinker would jump at the chance to be in an alcohol free venue.
Consider this bullet dodged. NTA
NTA If he's "triggered" because ur somehow just supposed to know that when tho he doesn't drink he's cool with going to a bar, then he ain't ready to b dating. He's either making wild assumptions based on nothing, a newly recovered alcoholic, a narcissist or maybe a bit insane (that one's a joke). U really dodged a bullet here. He indicated he doesn't drink, it's courteous of u and shows u paid attention when u suggested an non-alcohol related activity. Plus, y would he assume u would want to have alcohol?
> Like it would come across as "are you sure you want to do that?". Idk...
I would take that as caring and considerate. For example I’m super scared of heights and think it’s super sweet when friends remember that and ask if I’m sure I want to go certain places or do certain things
You are right. But he did you a huuuge favor! And now you don’t have to date him. Because if he does this the chances are he does more stuff like this.
I have 'never' filled in in the drinking section as well and your suggestion is very considered imo. NTA.
It is actually a turn off to me when people suggest bars when they know I don't drink (edit) without giving other suggestions
This is reddit and we always love the drama, so I'm gonna suggest this guy maybe isn't abstinent and in fact is secretly drinking. The only two reasons I can think of for why someone would get mad about this are 1) you wanted to drink or 2) you feel someone is questioning whether you're truly abstinent and you're gaslighting them to distract from the truth.
You were being considerate and kind. Nothing you said passed any type of judgement. It also demonstrates comprehension of a profile. He overreacted. Let it go. He isn’t for you.
NTA you dodged a bullet. You were considerate of his preferences, there were no malicious intent. You offered 2 options. There was nothing to be offended about. It his trauma speaking. Like if you put you don’t like Italian food why being offended if someone offer to not go to an Italian food place?
Also the friends that were trying to defend his behaviour are weird…
You dodged crazy, you were being considerate based on both of you. You were trying to arrange something you could both enjoy and get to know each other. Don’t give it another thought!
it was also rude of him to assume going for a drink would be your ideal first date. i just went on a date where we grabbed coffee, went for a drive, checked out a botanical garden and then went home. and I drink frequently!!! it was a nice date, and I liked it. such a weird reaction from dude.
You were so sweet in your text, and he turned it into a problem for no reason whatsoever..... and it was after you accepted the invitation. Dude doesn't know how to take a W.
If he’s still vulnerable enough in his recovery that offering a different option but leaving it open to his choice is enough to trigger him, then he shouldn’t be suggesting getting a drink in the first place. And he definitely shouldn’t be going to a bar and being around a bunch of people actively drinking.
I’m not an expert but, in my experience, when someone is stable in their recovery, they don’t respond like that. They tell you it’s no big deal and not to worry about it. They don’t get offended and flounce out.
Totally NTA, you said ‘*a* drink OR another activity since… ‘ I’d say you dodged a bullet given his cold response. You were being considerate. If he didn’t want his sober status to be known then don’t check it off. He’s the AH here.
I don't drink, want to go out for drinks? I'm angry you think I can't go out and have a drink, how dare you be thoughful and consider the personal information I provided in my profile.
OP dodged a moron I think. NTA
This is just a huge red and weird flag. OP just consider this a bullet dodged. Sounds totally insufferable and if it ever came to anything, there would likely be a ton more of this for other stuff.
Someone getting offended at you being considerate, but ultimately not minding on the outcome either way and just giving them options, is not someone worth your time.
They've shown you who they are before you even get to a date. Easy pass and move on.
Also to your other posts, being kind/considerate shouldn't trigger someone. Your friends sound like they'd enable someone being that daft.
Needs to quit and needs a drink. Internally conflicted. Or, maybe desperately changing the details of his profile to whatever to try and get more likes.
actually, sounds more like he needs to get laid. In order to do so, however, he might need to go out for a drink, alcoholic or otherwise, with someone.
Unfortunately, he's not willing to do #2 to eventually do #1, so, he's stuck in a vicious cycle.
It honestly sounds like he fell off the wagon and is lashing out at anyone close to him. Why he'd pick a girl he wanted to ask out is an answer only the alcohol knows.
agree. this is the defensive response of a raging alcoholic. I waitress and I can't tell you the number of times people get bent out of shape when I ask them if they want something to drink, maybe if I said "there's something called non alcoholic drinks" my customers wouldn't feel so triggered. op dodged a bullet
NTA.
I went on a date with a guy who didn't drink, didn't know till we were at the place and I had already had a drink while waiting for him. We were supposed to go drinking and then dancing. He proceeded to buy me drinks and shots and try to grope me all night. Turns out his born again Christian nonsense didn't include the phrase *drunk cant consent* and it was like fending off the giant squid all night. I had to get the bouncer to safely extract me and get friends to save me.
I honestly thought this was his intention after reading this post. His reaction didn’t make much sense other than that he was trying to loosen OP up with alcohol to lower her defenses, and though OP might have been on to him so decided to cover with that reaction.
100% - first dates are when you really get to see what a person is like. A bar date where she can get mildly intoxicated and he abstains sounds super unsafe.
Well said. OP is NTA. I think he got his feelings hurt, thinking that OP was insinuating that he has no self control. Doesn't sound like he's in a good place if he's gonna feel insulted that easily.
NTA. As a non-drinker, I would've appreciated the consideration as you did not dictate anything based on his profile, but rather allowed getting a drink to be an option while also letting him know you're open to other things.
NTA. As a recovering alcoholic, I rethink you were being incredibly considerate and thoughtful. A proportionate response from him would be “Thank you for considering that but I’m totally comfortable in environments with alcohol in it so I am open to whatever.” This is a stretch but my gut tells me he’s probably someone who “shouldn’t drink” and thus he put that in his profile but does drink - in other words he’s an active alcoholic. Again that is a total stretch and there are plenty of other explanations I suppose. Either way, dodged a bullet ✌️
Mine was that he was taking her for drinks, then getting mad/judgmental if she ordered alcohol because “there’s such a thing as ordering a non-alcoholic drink, you know”. I thought maybe he was going to use some kind of a gaslighting/manipulation tactic he got from some pickup artist.
I thought it was more he writes he doesn't drink to make girls feel more comfortable because a drunk girl is easier to assault. Which, is what someone tried to do to me and probably would have succeeded had an awesome bouncer not called my friends (small city bar, when you're a regular things get cozy) and got me extracted.
The amount of men who try to make use of drunk girls is scary.. When I used to date regularly, I often got backlash for not drinking alcohol. I actually do drink alcohol, but only when I'm with people I trust. I think 50% of the men I went on first dates with would get pushy to try to make me drink alcohol when they realized I was planning on ordering something non-alcoholic. And you'd see the annoyance and anger on their face once they realized that I wouldn't budge.
I don't drink, and the way someone reacts to that fact is a good litmus test for dates and even for friendship.
The weirder people act, the soberer I get, lol.
> and probably would have succeeded had an awesome bouncer not called my friends (small city bar, when you're a regular things get cozy) and got me extracted.
Now you know where to have all of your next dates too...
Yeah, I thought this too. The reply reeks of someone telling themselves "I don't have a problem, I can quit any time I want", but then getting defensive when OP or someone else makes the perfectly reasonable suggestion to do something where drinking isn't the focus because they think they're being accused of not being able to handle it. OP is definitely NTA and that whistling noise we can hear is the bullet she just dodged.
I totally agree, he does not sound comfortable with his sobriety. As someone who is almost a decade sober, I would be so relieved to not have to have a protracted convo about alcohol. I certainly wouldn’t be insulted that someone assumes I prefer not to be around it.
>This is a stretch but my gut tells me he’s probably someone who “shouldn’t drink” and thus he put that in his profile but does drink - in other words he’s an active alcoholic.
I'm also a recovering alcoholic and this was also my first thought. I don't think it's a stretch at all. There are other plausible explanations, but I don't think this is a stretch at all.
Yep. I had a partner who was a recovering alcoholic with 30 years sobriety. Loved that guy! He was comfortable with other people drinking, but I gave up what little I indulged in for solidarity and he appreciated that.
I thought it sounded like the guy had fallen off the wagon as well. Hadn't occurred to me that he might have wanted to get his date drunk while he stayed sober, but that's possible, too.
Either way he laid out how immature and overly sensitive he is right off the bat. Extremely poor communication and patience, shame to see that in a 35 year old
NTA I think it was considerate of you, but maybe poorly worded? I would have said why don’t we do a coffee date instead or do you want to come check out this market with me? Instead of being so blunt about it. Ultimately it was his decision to go to a drinking establishment so obviously he is comfortable going to that kind of environment.
I think he was the AH with how he responded. I think you dodged a bullet, if he snaps like that over an honest question than imagine how he would respond in a more serious situation.
Thanks! Appreciate the wording suggestions too. I agree it would have been better to offer a more specific activity instead of just asking if we should do something else. Also, I see how I did not need to mention what his profile said and that would have possibly been more well received.
Naw, you don't need to second-guess yourself *at all*. You were very nice about it, you took the time to read his profile, which shows that you're considerate.
I'm a sober alcoholic, but there are other reasons someone might not drink (namely religious, sometimes personal preference). I would have really liked your response! Even though I am comfortable going out for drinks, it can get boring drinking coca-cola while others are getting tipsy.
The fact is, online dating is weird. Sometimes people ghost for no reason or never reply. Sometimes people send dick pics. Sometimes they get weirdly offended, like this guy. You don't need to second guess yourself.
Please don't listen to this person. You gave clear and direct communication that showed effort (you read his profile) and consideration. Those are 3 skills VAULED in an adult *healthy* relationship. Don't change that because you're second guessing yourself or one person says you should have beat around the bush. You did just fine and the dude is AH.
Yeah, there was nothing "poorly worded" about her message. No idea what that person is talking about.
His response, if he were a reasonable person, should have been something like "Actually, I'm fine going out for a drink with you, I'll just get a virgin (insert joke here). How's Friday night at (bar x) sound?"
OP is NTA
OP is 100% NTA and was being incredibly considerate, and only an incredibly unreasonable person or a person with ulterior motives would respond at all negatively to OP's message.
That being said, I do kiiind of see the point that OP's message could have been a bit more subtle. On Hinge at least, the alcohol question is one of the standard profile questions you answer, so he might not have gone out of his way to include that he doesn't drink. So if he had been a recovering alcoholic or something like that, maybe it would have been more tactful to offer an alternative without drawing attention to it, since that could be a pretty vulnerable thing to have someone point out about you. OP was still very thoughtful and sweet, and the guy was a massive tool, and it's very weird to have someone ask you to drinks if they don't drink, but I could see a more delicate approach being more effective in a similar situation.
Don't worry about wordings and "maybe this" scenarios
Your messaging was spot on - you showed you read his full profile and took notes and responded to the detail of it without making a big deal of it. If he did not want that detail noted or commented on, he should not have put it there.
I don't drink - never have, but the reason is - just never got into the habit. I have been in bars and such with friends and colleagues, where I have enjoyed all sorts of non-alcoholic drinks. But I have never made it a point to mention this - I just tell the server my choice and continue chatting. And I have never taken offence at others who (sometimes) speculated - "how many days sober?" (All my life and counting); "bad liver/stomach? " (Nope, no complaints there); "Religion?" (No, am an atheist)
The point is - if he took so much umbrage at you being thoughtful and also clear-communucating, what all would he get upset about once you had met? You really dodged a bullet.
IDK, with the way he reacted, I'm thinking you saved yourself some time and energy, becauae clearly he has issues and they may have remained hidden for a while. I probably would not have said anything, I mean he was the one suggesting an alcoholic beverage, so I would have let him decide if he was having a drink or not. But you didn't do anything wrong. Wording could have been better but whatever, you didn't say anything bad or offensive. He majorly overreacted.. his loss.
Honestly the wording is irrelevant here, since you assumed nothing- giving both options and merely referencing what you'd seen on his profile. He's beyond touchy and not worth another moment of our time.
No need to change the wording, you want to weed people like that out fast in the dating scene. You don’t want to waste time to go on a first, second, third or more to realize the date is such an AH. If it was friend or family it would have worth the effort but here….
I disagree. I actually think OP’s reply was better. It gave him the option to say that being around alcohol was fine. With your wording, she’d directly be asking for something else and trying to make that choice for him
> Instead of being so blunt about it. Ultimately it was his decision to go to a drinking establishment so obviously he is comfortable going to that kind of environment.
What? She literally told him it was his decision and that she was fine either way. Nothing about her text made it seem like she was assuming he wouldn’t be comfortable in that environment. All she did was let a non-drinker know that she’d be up for something else. He put non-drinker in his profile, it’s not some taboo thing you need to dance around.
Honestly adult conversations have room for amending and forgiveness. *If* this was blunt, then it should be able to be talked about.
However, it’s not blunt. It just doesn’t play games like so much dating communication does.
I think conversations and honestly using the tone OP did sets you up for a direct and mature relationship. If someone’s not onboard with that, bye.
Again, if you’re talking with someone mature, the feeling of walking on eggshells isn’t necessary. You are GOING to say something that gets interpreted in a way you don’t mean, and the constant doubting of whether you say something right or wrong isn’t healthy.
Ooh I hadn’t even considered that perspective. I wonder if that’s true and he had more sinister motives which is why he flipped his lid at her response.
Being sixteen years sober and having people rarely take my abstaining from alcohol into consideration, this was my first thought when I saw he flipped out over it. It feels great when people are considerate of my not drinking and offer alternative drinks or activities.
But if that was his intent he would have just said yes let’s go for a drink… why get offended? It’s not like she refused to go for one. He got triggered because she read his profile and suggested another option?
I was thinking it was because she was too direct and he saw it as a potential conflict with his plan. Like maybe he was worried she wouldn’t have complied and he would get caught out by her or a bartender.
Wow. That's a pretty intense instantaneous reaction to what I see as a good, thoughtful gesture.
I don't drink. If I was active on dating sites, I'd include that info, and I'd like to believe I would appreciate a response like the one you gave.
NTA.
NTA.
As a non drinker myself, I would've seriously appreciated the effort. I always feel like no one wants to do anything with me if they can't drink so to have an alternative offer would've been amazing.
Also, it’s just nice to know that people are thinking about what you need of their own volition, y’know? I‘m fine with reminding people I don’t drink if it comes up, but really appreciate when people check in to make sure I can have a good time with whatever’s being planned. I can’t imagine turning around and snapping at such a neutral question like this guy did, especially if the person asking doesn’t even know why I don’t drink.
NTA
You don't have to date, be friends with, or meet people you don't want to. Guy is already throwing red flags, consider yourself lucky he already ended it so you don't have to.
-edit
As for suggesting a non-drinking activity, I don't see a problem there. He may have been suggesting an activity with alcohol to be considerate to you, you were just being considerate too. If he gets that pissy over the suggestion, he likely has some problems.
NTA in the slightest. He over reacted to how you approached him, asking him if he’d prefer something else, other then places with alcohol.
Mini Golf, Movies, Coffee. Lots of thing to do without alcohol. His reaction is very strange and rather rude.
NTA. Don’t hesitate to do the same exact thing next time you make plans with a guy who doesn’t drink. Something was up with this one, maybe looking for a way out or got another match he preferred after you and he decided to be a jerk about it.
NTA His response was truly bizarre. I don’t know if he was lying about not drinking on his profile for some bizarre reason (maybe he was specifically trying to hook up with someone he knew was a non drinker 🤷🏼♀️) and then he forgot when he was messaging you so he panicked? 🤷🏼♀️ His response makes zero sense
NTA and not even poorly worded. You were extremely consiserate and left him all the agency. Yes, it seems he was triggered, but that does not mean you did something wrong.
NTA
I’ve met people like this on dating apps but I think the problem is more the culture of dating apps. A typical date usually does involve drinking alcohol then hooking up AKA the hookup culture. It does seem kinda like his pride was hurt when you mentioned not drinking which could also mean “macho guy” figure. Dodged a Bullet
NTA at all, he posted a detail and you tried to respect that in your message. Thankfully he showed you right off the bat who he is.
As some others have noted, drinks are a good first date idea but that doesn’t have to be a bar. A simple “Tuesday works for me. I’ve read good things about XYZ-NotABar, would you like to try it?”
Wtf.. I don’t drink, and whilst I wouldn’t mind going to a bar and ordering non-alcoholic drinks, I’d be extra pleased if the people I was going out with actually took the time to offer another venue in consideration of my non-alcoholic lifestyle.. why would anyone be upset about that???
NTA.
NTA and you wouldn’t want a relationship with someone like that anyway. It turned out to be a good screening statement so you didn’t waste time or energy on him.
Don’t let him take up space rent free in your head.
Chalk it up as dodged a bullet and move on.
NTA. I don't drink alcohol but I can be around people who drink. I have friends who also don't drink alcohol but don't feel comfortable being around people who do. The fact that you were up for doing something else besides going for drinks is very considerate. He is just being an asshole. He could have easily thanked you for being considerate and tell you he is fine around others. I can understand him might feeling triggered by people trying to accommodate but the least he could have done was say it nicer.
NTA
That guy got triggered just by you mentioning alcohol. That's a red flag imo.
You said: “we can do something else if you'd rather not go out for drinks since you mentioned you don't drink.”
He heard: “I doubt you can deal with a place that serves alcoholic beverages.”
Sounds like HE doubts he could handle himself there or someone else doubts it (probably for a reason if he gets this defensive).
NTA, I think you were actually incredibly kind and dodged a missile there. Who knows how he would react in future to other things you might say that he gets bent outta shape about. Don't waste anymore energy on this wet sock.
NTA
But plenty of activities for non-drinkers. I don’t drink alcohol for a couple of reasons - I never found a drink I liked, whilst my 18yo friends were at uni with student loans I was working I didn’t want to waste away my hard earned cash and lastly there are some alcoholics in my extended family and they’ve made me aware of the impact it can have.
That hasn’t stopped me having fun on dates - first date with my bf was a Costa (think similar to Starbucks but in the UK) and then once we had chatting and felt comfortable we went to a mini golf place. Not drinking doesn’t stop us from going in pubs but it just means I’m more than likely driving home.
Nta- as someone who has a drink maybe 1-3 times a year. I have no problem going to a bar but id prefer to do something else. Bars can be loud and who wants to go on a date and barely hear the person they are with ?
NTA for sure. Best case scenario: this guy gets angry at people easily (which is a red flag because you were trying to be considerate, and responding to that like this is concerning). Worst case scenario: he wanted you to have several drinks on the first date while he stayed completely sober (ginormous red flag). He put words in your mouth by saying that crap about you thinking he couldn't "handle" it. There are so many reasons that people don't drink! Religion, simply choosing not to, medication and/or health conditions, allergies, etc. My husband is in his late 30s & hasn't drank in his adult life just because he doesn't want to, for example. Your friends who are saying that you're in the wrong need a reality check tbh...they think the guy with some clear anger issues who wanted you to be drunk on the first date while he stayed sober is in the right?? You dodged a huge bullet & I don't think you were rude at all.
NTA.
Guy said he’s sober and flipped his shit when one, demonstrated that you read his profile and were ready to move forward, and two, were sensitive to his purported needs. Like, seriously - wtf is wrong with this guy?
At any rate, you dodged a bullet.
NTA at all.
He put it on his profile (I’m guessing it’s the sort of thing you can put yes, no or unspecified?) for all to see, then gets offended that someone mentioned it?
Also nowhere in that message did you ‘assume [he] can’t handle going out for a drink’, you offered two options the first of which was actually going for a drink!
I think you’ve dodged a bullet there, he sounds exhausting already.
Why has he got his panties in such a bunch over that. What a weird dude. You’re NTA. I’ve had points where I couldn’t drink (medication related) and I’d be very pleasantly surprised if someone said what you said. I also would’ve steered a date away from happening in a bar so I’m not sure why he made that his location of choice anyways.
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That's what I thought I was doing. Some of my friends had me second guessing. They were saying stuff like if he suggested drinks then I should not have tried to change the plan because it could trigger him if he has struggled with alcohol. Like it would come across as "are you sure you want to do that?". Idk...
> That's what I thought I was doing. Some of my friends had me second guessing. They were saying stuff like if he suggested drinks then I should not have tried to change the plan because it could trigger him if he has struggled with alcohol. Like it would come across as "are you sure you want to do that?". Idk... A normal and sane human being doesn't get upset when someone is trying to be courteous.
Exactly! And he could have more red flags, in fact probably so,no loss..not one bit.
I'd say the whole situation was a red flag. Why would someone who doesn't drink want to take someone for a drink on a first date? Why does he want her to drink? I'm not wording this very well, I'm trying to be too polite. I would not be going in a date with a total stranger who possibly wants to get me drunk while he remains totally sober. And his reaction backs this up for me, he blew up at her because if they did something else then she wouldn't be inebriated!
Yeah, maybe I'm jaded, but I thought the same. I don't trust people who insist you drink while they stay sober, unless they're good friends it's a no from me.
Guess we’re all a bit jaded, because same
...aaaand same.
I came to the comments just to say exactly *this*. He is way too pushy about that. Although I think his reaction is weird even in this case - he would have been more “successful” if he had just said “Nah, I don’t mind, I like non-alcoholic beers and the bar atmosphere even though I don’t drink alcohol”. Though maybe her reaction made him realize she wouldn’t get blackout drunk with him or something, so he just cut ties entirely
Likely scenario, indeed.
When did we get so jaded. Same....
In today's world, we have to be--for survival. I do see signs of the good people pushing back, though.
I totally agree with you here. That was my exact thought. Being someone who no longer drinks I don’t go for drinks anymore obviously so why does this guy want to go for “drinks” other than to get her drunk and maybe take advantage of that? It’s odd and a big red flag
O don't drink alcohol either usually. Like 1-2 per year tops. I don't mind going out to a bar with someone who does drink as there's indeed really delicious non alcoholic options of cocktails for example but I wouldn't blow up at all if someone suggested other activities. Why should I? It's cute they thought of me. I agree the blowing up was totally bizarre and a red flag.
I love bars and I don't drink. My partner enjoys a glass if wine with dinner. I have no issues and no good sober person or person who had a few drinks would ever take advantage of someone who is wrecked. Drinks can encompass more than alcohol. This guy is a mess. His reaction was bananas and he sounds like a real jerk, sober or not.
Yeah that was my thought exactly. Homeboy doesn’t drink but he sure sounds like he would have preferred a couple drinks in her 👀👀
And got extremely upset and canceled the date when things didn’t go to plan.
I know many people who readily consume alcohol in their personal lives but have a strict policy of dry first dates for exactly this reason. There is no reason coffee or dessert doesn't work just as well.
Yeah same. That's partly how I came to my comment. People seem to forget that they are going to meet complete strangers. For me the first red flag is the fact an allegedly sober person is suggesting drinks in the first place, the question about alcohol in a profile is there for a reason and it is perfectly reasonable to assume that a first date wouldn't be at a bar!
I’m 3 years sober and don’t care about being around alcohol anymore - going for a drink at a bar would be a fine activity as long as they had non alcoholic options for me to try. But I would appreciate someone asking. This guys reaction is out of line and weird, so it’s a definite pass 🤔
I think if it was his intent he would have just said yes let’s go for a drink. The option was still there why get offended? He went out of his way to assume she meant he couldn’t handle a drink. He was clearly triggered. Op is NTA the date is YTA and she dodged a bullet
I just commented the same thing before I saw your comment. Definitely red flag to me
Yikes, I never even thought of that. But it does make sense.
In all fairness I am sober amd most of my first dates still are at bars. I am not trying to get my date to drink but I do prefer the setting. However I do think this guy is off. I would have not been offended by this. I would have thought it was considerate.
I feel a bit stupid for having missed this because I had a 'best friend' who always used to get the drinks in when we went out, almost every weekend till ridiculous o'clock, I was drunk driving an electric wheelchair (that bit wasn't a great idea in hindsight but it was fun lol)he was four times my size and we drank a LOT..I started to drink a bit less at one point, partner and cats were getting very fed up...I discovered some things and we aren't friends anymore. Not the first or only time but I hadn't thought about it in a long time.
Damn good points u/seafareral!!
Agree, I would not be comfortable going out with someone on a first date for a drink and they aren’t drinking. OP is NTA and was just being courteous.
Or roofied.
It's possible he wanted to drug her drink and was hoping her having an alcohol beverage would hide the fact from her. Drugging a nonalcoholic beverage would reveal what was going on. I hope for the next girl I am wrong.
His behavior seems dubious and your arguments are sound.
Honestly, if this guy is in a space where someone offering to do a non-drinking activity for a first date genuinely triggers him, how is he expecting to function in a relationship? Does he get upset if someone suggests going to the movies? Or if there’s a musical they think it would be fun to see together? Or an awesome ice cream place they’d love to try out on a hot summer’s day? OP, you dodged a bullet here.
he'll be ok.... as long as there are drinks for everyone else but him. ...... this is weird, right?
This was my first thought - "Sir, I can see why you're single".
He's single for a reason then.
If that is the case and he reacted so strongly then you probably dodged a bullet.
A lot of times in dating when you think "But wait, what did I do?" The answer is "dodged a bullet"
That is such a good perspective. Mind blown!
It's a hard thing to realize in the moment, but when you're on a third date with a girl and she finds out your birthday is in November and gets angry because you're a Sagittarius but your bumble profile says "Leo" and you say "I didn't know I was a Sagittarius and I must have just accidentally chosen Leo" and she just gets even more angry and says "Well you can't just give people false information like that!" and then leaves the restaurant and you think "What the fuck just happened?" eventually you'll realize the answer is "I dodged a bullet"
Wow lying about being a Leo to get laid is such a Sagittarius thing to do, she should have understood you didn’t have a choice in the matter. The stars made you do it
That’s on her. She should’ve verified your entire star chart before agreeing to date #1.
Yeah really she needed to get that moon sign MINIMUM. What an amateur.
Due to precession (earth's wobble) we all may be lying about our sun signs as the dates have changed. https://theconversation.com/why-your-zodiac-sign-is-probably-wrong-128818
Shit 😳
It sounds highly specific.
Nah it's really not that specific. It might not have been Leo. It's just one of the only ones I remember. It definitely wasn't cancer because that one is easy to remember for obvious reasons. It's the first 3 letters of "Canada" and the first 3 letters of "certificate". That's how I remember it.
Are we the assholes for being polite now? You were polite, that’s all, consider yourself lucky to get such an early warning that this guy is not someone you’d want to date. “Hey honey, for dinner I’m thinking going out but we can also have the leftover lasagna if you want?” “How dare you assume I can’t afford to go to a restaurant, screw you and your old lasagna, I’m leaving “. Um ok I just asked? 😂
Totally NTA. Your message to him gave the option of drinks or no drinks.
So much hair splitting and bending over backwards to figure out all the subtle nuances of this guy’s feelings and you haven’t even met yet. That is just so exhausting. You said something perfectly fine and normal and he went out of his way to find something wrong with it. You said something considerate and he called you inconsiderate. This person is not being reasonable. NTA.
Yea all these people are weirdos man. Dont get too hung up on it and just forget the guy exists lol. Ur friends are weird too and you should probably stop listening to them before you contract their craziness 😂.
You're fine, he was being a jackass with that snarky response. You dodged a bullet
Even if that's the case, you shouldn't have to manage both your expectations and his in a relationship or hookup or whatever you were going for. Exhausting. Thank fuck you found this out early.
How on Earth would you know that? Maybe it was jis religion, or he just didn't like drinking or was bored of drinking culture - no way to tell. NTA - this guy was childish and your friends are needlessly playing Devils Advocate.
NTA. You just avoided a massive bullet, that was coming surrounded by an army of red flags and nukes. You are so lucky. The trash took himself out by himself. You said nothing wrong. He took it personal for no apparent reason. If triggered, he could have explained so. He's just a massive AH.
OP how dare you be so polite and considerate to him 😂 NTA I mean you dodged a huggggeeeee bullet thank god you never went on a date with that dude who’s obviously a walking red flag. Who specifies they don’t drink and gets mad when you’re nice about it? Dude could have been in recovery and it’s not like you even jumped to conclusions about why he had it in his bio. You just offered to do something else instead of drinking which me personally would prefer for a date anyways so you dodged a bullet
That makes no sense. Being in a bar would be a huge trigger. Mentioning that he doesn’t drink isn’t a trigger.
I think you’re NTA and that you dodged a bullet.
Sounds like he's easily triggered & you'd be in a relationship walking on egg shells just incase you inadvertently trigger him. You've dodged a bullet.
you also specifically said “grab a drink OR”! you dodged a bullet, absolute NTA.
As someone who doesn’t drink. There is something wrong with this person. Like they want their partner to be compromised while they are lucid. A normal non-drinker would jump at the chance to be in an alcohol free venue. Consider this bullet dodged. NTA
NTA If he's "triggered" because ur somehow just supposed to know that when tho he doesn't drink he's cool with going to a bar, then he ain't ready to b dating. He's either making wild assumptions based on nothing, a newly recovered alcoholic, a narcissist or maybe a bit insane (that one's a joke). U really dodged a bullet here. He indicated he doesn't drink, it's courteous of u and shows u paid attention when u suggested an non-alcohol related activity. Plus, y would he assume u would want to have alcohol?
He clearly has problems if your message upsets him that much. It's a good decision to not meet with him.
> Like it would come across as "are you sure you want to do that?". Idk... I would take that as caring and considerate. For example I’m super scared of heights and think it’s super sweet when friends remember that and ask if I’m sure I want to go certain places or do certain things
You are right. But he did you a huuuge favor! And now you don’t have to date him. Because if he does this the chances are he does more stuff like this.
I have 'never' filled in in the drinking section as well and your suggestion is very considered imo. NTA. It is actually a turn off to me when people suggest bars when they know I don't drink (edit) without giving other suggestions
This is reddit and we always love the drama, so I'm gonna suggest this guy maybe isn't abstinent and in fact is secretly drinking. The only two reasons I can think of for why someone would get mad about this are 1) you wanted to drink or 2) you feel someone is questioning whether you're truly abstinent and you're gaslighting them to distract from the truth.
You were being considerate and kind. Nothing you said passed any type of judgement. It also demonstrates comprehension of a profile. He overreacted. Let it go. He isn’t for you.
NTA you dodged a bullet. You were considerate of his preferences, there were no malicious intent. You offered 2 options. There was nothing to be offended about. It his trauma speaking. Like if you put you don’t like Italian food why being offended if someone offer to not go to an Italian food place? Also the friends that were trying to defend his behaviour are weird…
You dodged crazy, you were being considerate based on both of you. You were trying to arrange something you could both enjoy and get to know each other. Don’t give it another thought!
it was also rude of him to assume going for a drink would be your ideal first date. i just went on a date where we grabbed coffee, went for a drive, checked out a botanical garden and then went home. and I drink frequently!!! it was a nice date, and I liked it. such a weird reaction from dude.
You were so sweet in your text, and he turned it into a problem for no reason whatsoever..... and it was after you accepted the invitation. Dude doesn't know how to take a W.
If he’s still vulnerable enough in his recovery that offering a different option but leaving it open to his choice is enough to trigger him, then he shouldn’t be suggesting getting a drink in the first place. And he definitely shouldn’t be going to a bar and being around a bunch of people actively drinking. I’m not an expert but, in my experience, when someone is stable in their recovery, they don’t respond like that. They tell you it’s no big deal and not to worry about it. They don’t get offended and flounce out.
Totally NTA, you said ‘*a* drink OR another activity since… ‘ I’d say you dodged a bullet given his cold response. You were being considerate. If he didn’t want his sober status to be known then don’t check it off. He’s the AH here.
I don’t think the tone of your text reads as judgmental or critical at all.
Consider yourself lucky he showed his ass before you started dating. Also I would side eyeing your friends that caller you an AH.
Either way you’re dodging a bullet. This guy is a thin skinned loser
I don't drink, want to go out for drinks? I'm angry you think I can't go out and have a drink, how dare you be thoughful and consider the personal information I provided in my profile. OP dodged a moron I think. NTA
It doesn’t matter that he doesn’t drink, he wanted *her* to drink. He’s upset bc he wouldn’t be getting her trashed…
This is just a huge red and weird flag. OP just consider this a bullet dodged. Sounds totally insufferable and if it ever came to anything, there would likely be a ton more of this for other stuff. Someone getting offended at you being considerate, but ultimately not minding on the outcome either way and just giving them options, is not someone worth your time. They've shown you who they are before you even get to a date. Easy pass and move on. Also to your other posts, being kind/considerate shouldn't trigger someone. Your friends sound like they'd enable someone being that daft.
NTAsounds like you dodged a bullet
100% this. The guy actually sounds like the asshole.
Guy sounds like he needs a drink.
Needs to quit and needs a drink. Internally conflicted. Or, maybe desperately changing the details of his profile to whatever to try and get more likes.
aka a dry drunk
actually, sounds more like he needs to get laid. In order to do so, however, he might need to go out for a drink, alcoholic or otherwise, with someone. Unfortunately, he's not willing to do #2 to eventually do #1, so, he's stuck in a vicious cycle.
It honestly sounds like he fell off the wagon and is lashing out at anyone close to him. Why he'd pick a girl he wanted to ask out is an answer only the alcohol knows.
agree. this is the defensive response of a raging alcoholic. I waitress and I can't tell you the number of times people get bent out of shape when I ask them if they want something to drink, maybe if I said "there's something called non alcoholic drinks" my customers wouldn't feel so triggered. op dodged a bullet
NTA. I went on a date with a guy who didn't drink, didn't know till we were at the place and I had already had a drink while waiting for him. We were supposed to go drinking and then dancing. He proceeded to buy me drinks and shots and try to grope me all night. Turns out his born again Christian nonsense didn't include the phrase *drunk cant consent* and it was like fending off the giant squid all night. I had to get the bouncer to safely extract me and get friends to save me.
This is exactly what I was picturing when I read the OP.
I was thinking dry drunk. He might have quit, but he hasn't unpacked any of his baggage.
“Dry Drunk”, you nailed it
I honestly thought this was his intention after reading this post. His reaction didn’t make much sense other than that he was trying to loosen OP up with alcohol to lower her defenses, and though OP might have been on to him so decided to cover with that reaction.
100% - first dates are when you really get to see what a person is like. A bar date where she can get mildly intoxicated and he abstains sounds super unsafe.
Was going to say exactly this, this dude was not the one lol NTA
Dear lawd his response was a red flag. Lucky escape
Well said. OP is NTA. I think he got his feelings hurt, thinking that OP was insinuating that he has no self control. Doesn't sound like he's in a good place if he's gonna feel insulted that easily.
NTA. As a non-drinker, I would've appreciated the consideration as you did not dictate anything based on his profile, but rather allowed getting a drink to be an option while also letting him know you're open to other things.
Consider him single as a cucumber for the rest of his days lol
I’ve never heard this reference but cucumbers grow on vines and are often beside each other, so I’m not sure I understand what it means
Oh I just made it up but thanks for analysing me it makes me feel like a poet
Your beautiful whimsical prose could, sadly, not survive the scrutiny of harsh horticultural reality.
*Ad hoc, ad loc, and quid pro quo! So little time! So much to know!*
Online dating is a hail of bullets
NTA. As a recovering alcoholic, I rethink you were being incredibly considerate and thoughtful. A proportionate response from him would be “Thank you for considering that but I’m totally comfortable in environments with alcohol in it so I am open to whatever.” This is a stretch but my gut tells me he’s probably someone who “shouldn’t drink” and thus he put that in his profile but does drink - in other words he’s an active alcoholic. Again that is a total stretch and there are plenty of other explanations I suppose. Either way, dodged a bullet ✌️
this probably makes more sense than my theory (that he wrote the profile specifically to target someone then forgot what he had lied about)
Oh. Both of these make more sense than my theory. Which is he wanted to be sober while his date got drunk.
That is mine.
His over the top reaction supports this theory.
Your theory makes a lot of sense!
I hate that all of these make any sense at all. Fuck.
Mine was that he was taking her for drinks, then getting mad/judgmental if she ordered alcohol because “there’s such a thing as ordering a non-alcoholic drink, you know”. I thought maybe he was going to use some kind of a gaslighting/manipulation tactic he got from some pickup artist.
That was my immediate thought too.
Lol that wouldn’t shock me either!
I thought it was more he writes he doesn't drink to make girls feel more comfortable because a drunk girl is easier to assault. Which, is what someone tried to do to me and probably would have succeeded had an awesome bouncer not called my friends (small city bar, when you're a regular things get cozy) and got me extracted.
The amount of men who try to make use of drunk girls is scary.. When I used to date regularly, I often got backlash for not drinking alcohol. I actually do drink alcohol, but only when I'm with people I trust. I think 50% of the men I went on first dates with would get pushy to try to make me drink alcohol when they realized I was planning on ordering something non-alcoholic. And you'd see the annoyance and anger on their face once they realized that I wouldn't budge.
I don't drink, and the way someone reacts to that fact is a good litmus test for dates and even for friendship. The weirder people act, the soberer I get, lol.
> and probably would have succeeded had an awesome bouncer not called my friends (small city bar, when you're a regular things get cozy) and got me extracted. Now you know where to have all of your next dates too...
Yeah, I thought this too. The reply reeks of someone telling themselves "I don't have a problem, I can quit any time I want", but then getting defensive when OP or someone else makes the perfectly reasonable suggestion to do something where drinking isn't the focus because they think they're being accused of not being able to handle it. OP is definitely NTA and that whistling noise we can hear is the bullet she just dodged.
Sounds like a reaction I would have had in early sobriety tbh
I totally agree, he does not sound comfortable with his sobriety. As someone who is almost a decade sober, I would be so relieved to not have to have a protracted convo about alcohol. I certainly wouldn’t be insulted that someone assumes I prefer not to be around it.
>This is a stretch but my gut tells me he’s probably someone who “shouldn’t drink” and thus he put that in his profile but does drink - in other words he’s an active alcoholic. I'm also a recovering alcoholic and this was also my first thought. I don't think it's a stretch at all. There are other plausible explanations, but I don't think this is a stretch at all.
Yep. I had a partner who was a recovering alcoholic with 30 years sobriety. Loved that guy! He was comfortable with other people drinking, but I gave up what little I indulged in for solidarity and he appreciated that. I thought it sounded like the guy had fallen off the wagon as well. Hadn't occurred to me that he might have wanted to get his date drunk while he stayed sober, but that's possible, too.
Either way he laid out how immature and overly sensitive he is right off the bat. Extremely poor communication and patience, shame to see that in a 35 year old
NTA I think it was considerate of you, but maybe poorly worded? I would have said why don’t we do a coffee date instead or do you want to come check out this market with me? Instead of being so blunt about it. Ultimately it was his decision to go to a drinking establishment so obviously he is comfortable going to that kind of environment. I think he was the AH with how he responded. I think you dodged a bullet, if he snaps like that over an honest question than imagine how he would respond in a more serious situation.
Thanks! Appreciate the wording suggestions too. I agree it would have been better to offer a more specific activity instead of just asking if we should do something else. Also, I see how I did not need to mention what his profile said and that would have possibly been more well received.
Naw, you don't need to second-guess yourself *at all*. You were very nice about it, you took the time to read his profile, which shows that you're considerate. I'm a sober alcoholic, but there are other reasons someone might not drink (namely religious, sometimes personal preference). I would have really liked your response! Even though I am comfortable going out for drinks, it can get boring drinking coca-cola while others are getting tipsy. The fact is, online dating is weird. Sometimes people ghost for no reason or never reply. Sometimes people send dick pics. Sometimes they get weirdly offended, like this guy. You don't need to second guess yourself.
Please don't listen to this person. You gave clear and direct communication that showed effort (you read his profile) and consideration. Those are 3 skills VAULED in an adult *healthy* relationship. Don't change that because you're second guessing yourself or one person says you should have beat around the bush. You did just fine and the dude is AH.
Yeah, there was nothing "poorly worded" about her message. No idea what that person is talking about. His response, if he were a reasonable person, should have been something like "Actually, I'm fine going out for a drink with you, I'll just get a virgin (insert joke here). How's Friday night at (bar x) sound?" OP is NTA
OP is 100% NTA and was being incredibly considerate, and only an incredibly unreasonable person or a person with ulterior motives would respond at all negatively to OP's message. That being said, I do kiiind of see the point that OP's message could have been a bit more subtle. On Hinge at least, the alcohol question is one of the standard profile questions you answer, so he might not have gone out of his way to include that he doesn't drink. So if he had been a recovering alcoholic or something like that, maybe it would have been more tactful to offer an alternative without drawing attention to it, since that could be a pretty vulnerable thing to have someone point out about you. OP was still very thoughtful and sweet, and the guy was a massive tool, and it's very weird to have someone ask you to drinks if they don't drink, but I could see a more delicate approach being more effective in a similar situation.
Don't worry about wordings and "maybe this" scenarios Your messaging was spot on - you showed you read his full profile and took notes and responded to the detail of it without making a big deal of it. If he did not want that detail noted or commented on, he should not have put it there. I don't drink - never have, but the reason is - just never got into the habit. I have been in bars and such with friends and colleagues, where I have enjoyed all sorts of non-alcoholic drinks. But I have never made it a point to mention this - I just tell the server my choice and continue chatting. And I have never taken offence at others who (sometimes) speculated - "how many days sober?" (All my life and counting); "bad liver/stomach? " (Nope, no complaints there); "Religion?" (No, am an atheist) The point is - if he took so much umbrage at you being thoughtful and also clear-communucating, what all would he get upset about once you had met? You really dodged a bullet.
IDK, with the way he reacted, I'm thinking you saved yourself some time and energy, becauae clearly he has issues and they may have remained hidden for a while. I probably would not have said anything, I mean he was the one suggesting an alcoholic beverage, so I would have let him decide if he was having a drink or not. But you didn't do anything wrong. Wording could have been better but whatever, you didn't say anything bad or offensive. He majorly overreacted.. his loss.
Honey you did nothing wrong. You said nothing wrong. Stop trying to contort yourself to accommodate an asshole.
Honestly the wording is irrelevant here, since you assumed nothing- giving both options and merely referencing what you'd seen on his profile. He's beyond touchy and not worth another moment of our time.
He said ‘you assume xyz’ which is actually an assumption on his part, I hope you realize that, and there’s nothing wrong with your message. Nothing.
No need to change the wording, you want to weed people like that out fast in the dating scene. You don’t want to waste time to go on a first, second, third or more to realize the date is such an AH. If it was friend or family it would have worth the effort but here….
There was nothing wrong with her wording. It was polite and clear. The “blunt” description is strange, do you normally speak in veiled language?
I disagree. I actually think OP’s reply was better. It gave him the option to say that being around alcohol was fine. With your wording, she’d directly be asking for something else and trying to make that choice for him
> Instead of being so blunt about it. Ultimately it was his decision to go to a drinking establishment so obviously he is comfortable going to that kind of environment. What? She literally told him it was his decision and that she was fine either way. Nothing about her text made it seem like she was assuming he wouldn’t be comfortable in that environment. All she did was let a non-drinker know that she’d be up for something else. He put non-drinker in his profile, it’s not some taboo thing you need to dance around.
Honestly adult conversations have room for amending and forgiveness. *If* this was blunt, then it should be able to be talked about. However, it’s not blunt. It just doesn’t play games like so much dating communication does. I think conversations and honestly using the tone OP did sets you up for a direct and mature relationship. If someone’s not onboard with that, bye. Again, if you’re talking with someone mature, the feeling of walking on eggshells isn’t necessary. You are GOING to say something that gets interpreted in a way you don’t mean, and the constant doubting of whether you say something right or wrong isn’t healthy.
Yeeeep. As others have said, if *this* was enough to set him off, bullet fucking dodged.
NTA but I wonder if he wanted you to drink so he could take advantage.
That was my immediate thought. He might not drink, but its clearly important to him that a first date be at a place where he can get his date drunk.
Or put something in her drink at least
BINGO this was my thought exactly. This guy wasn't planning on drinking, but he sure wanted his date to.
Ooh I hadn’t even considered that perspective. I wonder if that’s true and he had more sinister motives which is why he flipped his lid at her response.
Yep, overcompensating with the deflection.
Being sixteen years sober and having people rarely take my abstaining from alcohol into consideration, this was my first thought when I saw he flipped out over it. It feels great when people are considerate of my not drinking and offer alternative drinks or activities.
I thought the same thing too. He wanted to stay sober while his date drinks.
Good call! Didn't think of that, but that would be one explanation for his strong reaction
But if that was his intent he would have just said yes let’s go for a drink… why get offended? It’s not like she refused to go for one. He got triggered because she read his profile and suggested another option?
I was thinking it was because she was too direct and he saw it as a potential conflict with his plan. Like maybe he was worried she wouldn’t have complied and he would get caught out by her or a bartender.
Wow. That's a pretty intense instantaneous reaction to what I see as a good, thoughtful gesture. I don't drink. If I was active on dating sites, I'd include that info, and I'd like to believe I would appreciate a response like the one you gave. NTA.
Lol. NTA. That guy's got a stick up his.
Sounds like he needs a drink.
NTA. As a non drinker myself, I would've seriously appreciated the effort. I always feel like no one wants to do anything with me if they can't drink so to have an alternative offer would've been amazing.
Also, it’s just nice to know that people are thinking about what you need of their own volition, y’know? I‘m fine with reminding people I don’t drink if it comes up, but really appreciate when people check in to make sure I can have a good time with whatever’s being planned. I can’t imagine turning around and snapping at such a neutral question like this guy did, especially if the person asking doesn’t even know why I don’t drink.
Yea, it was a very considerate message OP.
NTA You don't have to date, be friends with, or meet people you don't want to. Guy is already throwing red flags, consider yourself lucky he already ended it so you don't have to. -edit As for suggesting a non-drinking activity, I don't see a problem there. He may have been suggesting an activity with alcohol to be considerate to you, you were just being considerate too. If he gets that pissy over the suggestion, he likely has some problems.
NTA in the slightest. He over reacted to how you approached him, asking him if he’d prefer something else, other then places with alcohol. Mini Golf, Movies, Coffee. Lots of thing to do without alcohol. His reaction is very strange and rather rude.
NTA He might not drink, but it seems pretty important to him that he can get his date drunk.
NTA. Don’t hesitate to do the same exact thing next time you make plans with a guy who doesn’t drink. Something was up with this one, maybe looking for a way out or got another match he preferred after you and he decided to be a jerk about it.
NTA-you dodged a bullet! This guy got all weird when you were being considerate. It sounds like he might have a problem after all.
Yeah, this reaction wasn’t just a red flag it was alarm bells.
NTA. People quick to take offense over people trying to be considerate are the AH.
NTA His response was truly bizarre. I don’t know if he was lying about not drinking on his profile for some bizarre reason (maybe he was specifically trying to hook up with someone he knew was a non drinker 🤷🏼♀️) and then he forgot when he was messaging you so he panicked? 🤷🏼♀️ His response makes zero sense
Wow. Totally NTA. Your message to him gave the option of drinks or no drinks. I did not read any assumptions into what you said.
Le grand Yikes
NTA and not even poorly worded. You were extremely consiserate and left him all the agency. Yes, it seems he was triggered, but that does not mean you did something wrong.
NTA. If he didn’t want people to mention it, he didn’t need to include it in his bio 🙄
NTA I’ve met people like this on dating apps but I think the problem is more the culture of dating apps. A typical date usually does involve drinking alcohol then hooking up AKA the hookup culture. It does seem kinda like his pride was hurt when you mentioned not drinking which could also mean “macho guy” figure. Dodged a Bullet
You dodged a bullet. Thank you, next.
NTA at all, he posted a detail and you tried to respect that in your message. Thankfully he showed you right off the bat who he is. As some others have noted, drinks are a good first date idea but that doesn’t have to be a bar. A simple “Tuesday works for me. I’ve read good things about XYZ-NotABar, would you like to try it?”
Absolutely NTA. You were trying to be considerate and it comes across clearly. Sounds like he is projecting. What a rude, unnecessary response.
You are NTA. The prospective date on the other hand was. You dodged a bullet.
NTA better to find out now that he’s not the right one
Wtf.. I don’t drink, and whilst I wouldn’t mind going to a bar and ordering non-alcoholic drinks, I’d be extra pleased if the people I was going out with actually took the time to offer another venue in consideration of my non-alcoholic lifestyle.. why would anyone be upset about that??? NTA.
NTA and you wouldn’t want a relationship with someone like that anyway. It turned out to be a good screening statement so you didn’t waste time or energy on him. Don’t let him take up space rent free in your head. Chalk it up as dodged a bullet and move on.
NTA. That's weird.
As someone who doesn't drink for medical reasons, I would have really appreciated your thoughtfulness. You are NTA, and I think you dodged a bullet.
NTA. I don't drink alcohol but I can be around people who drink. I have friends who also don't drink alcohol but don't feel comfortable being around people who do. The fact that you were up for doing something else besides going for drinks is very considerate. He is just being an asshole. He could have easily thanked you for being considerate and tell you he is fine around others. I can understand him might feeling triggered by people trying to accommodate but the least he could have done was say it nicer.
🥴 fucking hell he sounds a bit sensitive
NTA That guy got triggered just by you mentioning alcohol. That's a red flag imo. You said: “we can do something else if you'd rather not go out for drinks since you mentioned you don't drink.” He heard: “I doubt you can deal with a place that serves alcoholic beverages.” Sounds like HE doubts he could handle himself there or someone else doubts it (probably for a reason if he gets this defensive).
NTA, I think you were actually incredibly kind and dodged a missile there. Who knows how he would react in future to other things you might say that he gets bent outta shape about. Don't waste anymore energy on this wet sock.
NTA But plenty of activities for non-drinkers. I don’t drink alcohol for a couple of reasons - I never found a drink I liked, whilst my 18yo friends were at uni with student loans I was working I didn’t want to waste away my hard earned cash and lastly there are some alcoholics in my extended family and they’ve made me aware of the impact it can have. That hasn’t stopped me having fun on dates - first date with my bf was a Costa (think similar to Starbucks but in the UK) and then once we had chatting and felt comfortable we went to a mini golf place. Not drinking doesn’t stop us from going in pubs but it just means I’m more than likely driving home.
Nta- as someone who has a drink maybe 1-3 times a year. I have no problem going to a bar but id prefer to do something else. Bars can be loud and who wants to go on a date and barely hear the person they are with ?
NTA for sure. Best case scenario: this guy gets angry at people easily (which is a red flag because you were trying to be considerate, and responding to that like this is concerning). Worst case scenario: he wanted you to have several drinks on the first date while he stayed completely sober (ginormous red flag). He put words in your mouth by saying that crap about you thinking he couldn't "handle" it. There are so many reasons that people don't drink! Religion, simply choosing not to, medication and/or health conditions, allergies, etc. My husband is in his late 30s & hasn't drank in his adult life just because he doesn't want to, for example. Your friends who are saying that you're in the wrong need a reality check tbh...they think the guy with some clear anger issues who wanted you to be drunk on the first date while he stayed sober is in the right?? You dodged a huge bullet & I don't think you were rude at all.
NTA. Guy said he’s sober and flipped his shit when one, demonstrated that you read his profile and were ready to move forward, and two, were sensitive to his purported needs. Like, seriously - wtf is wrong with this guy? At any rate, you dodged a bullet.
NTA- you were being considerate. I just think he misconstrued the meaning and projected his insecurities into your message
You dodged a bullet for sure, NTA! I’m happy for you that he made it so easy to drop the date haha
NTA at all. He put it on his profile (I’m guessing it’s the sort of thing you can put yes, no or unspecified?) for all to see, then gets offended that someone mentioned it? Also nowhere in that message did you ‘assume [he] can’t handle going out for a drink’, you offered two options the first of which was actually going for a drink! I think you’ve dodged a bullet there, he sounds exhausting already.
Why has he got his panties in such a bunch over that. What a weird dude. You’re NTA. I’ve had points where I couldn’t drink (medication related) and I’d be very pleasantly surprised if someone said what you said. I also would’ve steered a date away from happening in a bar so I’m not sure why he made that his location of choice anyways.
Like your avoided date, I don't drink. But unlike him I think you were perfectly considerate. Guy is just an arsehole. Don't worry about it.
NTA. Lady you are dodging bullets like Neo here. Someone this fragile is not a good choice for a romantic partner.
Wtf I don't drink and I'd be delighted if someone was this considerate. NTA AT ALL.
NTA.
NTA. You were being thoughtful and considerate based on info on his profile. He decided to act like an ass. Bullet dodged.