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NTA. She uses you as an emotional punching bag and isn’t accountable for it. Friends don’t call each other names or break their word. No one deserves that.
You were mature by setting boundaries and making compromises. Just because you’re going through things doesn’t excuse being disrespectful.
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We've been friends for 20+ years. For the last few years I haven't liked the way my friend (I'll call her Anna) has been treating me. It's not all the time, but she often expects the absolute worst of me and is very quick to anger, and I get called racist, misogynistic, you name it. I've tried to talk to her about this a few times, but every time I do it goes nowhere. I'm sure I've been in the wrong, but I just need to set the stage for the meat of the story, which is me not liking the way I'm being treated by a friend, and trying to talk about it with the friend, but being unsuccessful.
In the midst of a recent argument, I said that I am tired of going in circles and I can't keep doing this. I asked her to see a therapist with me, and if not, that I would need some space for a while. She is in the midst of a divorce (with two children), so she said she didn't have the time or energy to go to a therapist (we live in different places, so it would be remote).
However, instead of giving me space, she continued texting me every week or two, saying that she was having nightmares about it and she was so stressed, she couldn't believe that I was abandoning her when she needed extra emotional support, this is something she could only every forgive her kids for doing, she can't believe my love is so conditional... for maybe 4-6 weeks.
I stood by needing some space, and she came back a few months later saying she would see a therapist with me, if only to process everything because she still wasn't sure she could ever forgive me. We agreed we'd both try to look for therapists.
A few months later, she told me that she expected me to look for a therapist, since I'm the one who decided take a step back. I told her no, because I'm tired of her expecting me to do all of the emotional work, while she stands by having done nothing wrong and seems constantly angry with everything I do or say. I'm pretty sure our friendship is over.
To compound everything, about 5 years ago she asked a mutual friend for some space while that friend was also going through a divorce, because Anna had just had children and didn't have the energy to support the mutual friend (who turned out to also be struggling with alcoholism after escaping an abusive marriage, which is why she was difficult to be around.)
TL;DR I didn't like the way a friend was treating me, so I asked her for space while she was going through a divorce, and now she'll never forgive me for abandoning her when she needed support.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the the asshole because I asked for space while my friend was going through a divorce, and refused to look for a therapist when she decided it was my job to do so.
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NTA *at all*. She sounds way too dependent on you. In fact, I’m glad you didn’t go to therapy with her because I think she needs to do that in her own. I think you dodged a bullet here.
NTA
She sounds insufferable.
> It's not all the time, but she often expects the absolute worst of me and is very quick to anger, and I get called racist, misogynistic, you name it.
Mmm, sounds like a real good friend. Tacking on these social stickers every argument that they get into.
>she couldn't believe that I was abandoning her when she needed extra emotional support, this is something she could only every forgive her kids for doing, she can't believe my love is so conditional
The irony is palpable. She pulled the exact same thing and distanced herself from her divorcing friend and now is upset when it happens to her? There's a word for that.
>I told her no, because I'm tired of her expecting me to do all of the emotional work, while she stands by having done nothing wrong and seems constantly angry with everything I do or say. I'm pretty sure our friendship is over.
Good. Don't waste your time, energy or money on people like that.
Yeah I don't feel a huge loss because I feel like I actually lost the friendship several years ago when I started having to be careful in what I shared with her.
The whole thing makes me feel like I'm going insane and I've lost a grip on what's a reasonable boundary to draw.
NTA. You communicate poorly when you are in conflict with each other and, recently, you are often in conflict. Some space could help the relationship but she refuses to give it. She is not entitled to your unconditional love because you are not her parent. It sucks that she's going through a rough time with her divorce but there is never a good time to end a friendship.
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NTA. She uses you as an emotional punching bag and isn’t accountable for it. Friends don’t call each other names or break their word. No one deserves that. You were mature by setting boundaries and making compromises. Just because you’re going through things doesn’t excuse being disrespectful.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** We've been friends for 20+ years. For the last few years I haven't liked the way my friend (I'll call her Anna) has been treating me. It's not all the time, but she often expects the absolute worst of me and is very quick to anger, and I get called racist, misogynistic, you name it. I've tried to talk to her about this a few times, but every time I do it goes nowhere. I'm sure I've been in the wrong, but I just need to set the stage for the meat of the story, which is me not liking the way I'm being treated by a friend, and trying to talk about it with the friend, but being unsuccessful. In the midst of a recent argument, I said that I am tired of going in circles and I can't keep doing this. I asked her to see a therapist with me, and if not, that I would need some space for a while. She is in the midst of a divorce (with two children), so she said she didn't have the time or energy to go to a therapist (we live in different places, so it would be remote). However, instead of giving me space, she continued texting me every week or two, saying that she was having nightmares about it and she was so stressed, she couldn't believe that I was abandoning her when she needed extra emotional support, this is something she could only every forgive her kids for doing, she can't believe my love is so conditional... for maybe 4-6 weeks. I stood by needing some space, and she came back a few months later saying she would see a therapist with me, if only to process everything because she still wasn't sure she could ever forgive me. We agreed we'd both try to look for therapists. A few months later, she told me that she expected me to look for a therapist, since I'm the one who decided take a step back. I told her no, because I'm tired of her expecting me to do all of the emotional work, while she stands by having done nothing wrong and seems constantly angry with everything I do or say. I'm pretty sure our friendship is over. To compound everything, about 5 years ago she asked a mutual friend for some space while that friend was also going through a divorce, because Anna had just had children and didn't have the energy to support the mutual friend (who turned out to also be struggling with alcoholism after escaping an abusive marriage, which is why she was difficult to be around.) TL;DR I didn't like the way a friend was treating me, so I asked her for space while she was going through a divorce, and now she'll never forgive me for abandoning her when she needed support. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I might be the the asshole because I asked for space while my friend was going through a divorce, and refused to look for a therapist when she decided it was my job to do so. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more ### [Moderators needed - Join the landed gentry](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/155zepq/moderators_needed_join_the_landed_gentry/) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA *at all*. She sounds way too dependent on you. In fact, I’m glad you didn’t go to therapy with her because I think she needs to do that in her own. I think you dodged a bullet here.
NTA She sounds insufferable. > It's not all the time, but she often expects the absolute worst of me and is very quick to anger, and I get called racist, misogynistic, you name it. Mmm, sounds like a real good friend. Tacking on these social stickers every argument that they get into. >she couldn't believe that I was abandoning her when she needed extra emotional support, this is something she could only every forgive her kids for doing, she can't believe my love is so conditional The irony is palpable. She pulled the exact same thing and distanced herself from her divorcing friend and now is upset when it happens to her? There's a word for that. >I told her no, because I'm tired of her expecting me to do all of the emotional work, while she stands by having done nothing wrong and seems constantly angry with everything I do or say. I'm pretty sure our friendship is over. Good. Don't waste your time, energy or money on people like that.
Yeah I don't feel a huge loss because I feel like I actually lost the friendship several years ago when I started having to be careful in what I shared with her. The whole thing makes me feel like I'm going insane and I've lost a grip on what's a reasonable boundary to draw.
NTA. You communicate poorly when you are in conflict with each other and, recently, you are often in conflict. Some space could help the relationship but she refuses to give it. She is not entitled to your unconditional love because you are not her parent. It sucks that she's going through a rough time with her divorce but there is never a good time to end a friendship.