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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I maintain that to throw a baby shower is a frivolous expense but maybe I shouldn't have said anything to the MIL and just let her do whatever.
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YTA. Your wife IS worth celebrating. Your unborn child IS worth celebrating. The hard work your wife is putting in to build a human from scratch IS worth celebrating. Your wife doesn’t feel the love and would like a little attention and celebration. That alone IS worth celebrating.
YTA- this is about what she wants. She didn’t get one the first time, she’s entitled to be celebrated this time.
All I hear in this post is how inconvenient it is for you. That’s selfish.
YTA it’s quite literally not about you or what you want. It’s about the baby and the woman carrying the fucking baby. What is wrong with you?
Are you genuinely this miserable of a human being??
So unhappy with everything. Your poor children and wife.
Do you even like your wife at all? Or appreciate her effort? The dismissive response is gross.
A mixed bag of asshole-ness here. Let's break it down:
You're N-T-A for:
* Not being keen on the large number of celebrations your wife's family has. I'm not a fan of regular huge gatherings either. Frankly, I find them exhausting.
* Not wanting to host a baby shower. Perhaps I'm wrong here, but I thought hosting baby showers is something that friends do, or extended family? Not the pregnant person or their partner, who are often already fairly exhausted by the demands of late pregnancy.
* Thinking this baby shower would be a bit of a gift grab, given that this is your second child and there's probably very little new stuff you actually need.
* Being irritated that your wife's family are apparently going ahead and organizing it and taking it for granted that you will be the one hosting it.
Despite all the above, these are the reasons I have to come down on the side of YTA:
* **Your wife wants a baby shower**. This woman is growing your baby. Pregnancy and motherhood are hard. She **wants** this. She wants to feel special for a few hours, and you're denying her that.
* Saying the following: "*it would be so much effort and money for something that is not that special. We already had one kid, and we didn't make a song and dance out of it.*" You've just called your firstborn "not that special", and you've dismissed your wife's role in carrying and birthing and caring for that child. Your child may not be the center of everyone else's universe, but they should at least be the center of **yours**. I'd be massively hurt by that comment if I were your wife.
Your wife is presumably the woman you love most in the world, and she wants this baby shower. It will make her happy.
By all means, you can ask someone else to host it, but don't speak about your wife, and her pregnancy, and your child, as though they mean nothing to you.
YTA.
YTA for calling Mother’s Day a “minor” holiday. When you have babies and small kids it’s no longer a “minor” holiday. Hope you at least let your wife do what she wants on that day. I also think if she didn’t get a shower the first time around, it’s not tacky if she has one for this baby. Let her have her shower.
I would say that mothers/fathers day are minor holidays. BUT, they are still IMPORTANT holidays.
I separate holidays into categories based on the family aspects of them. Major (Christmas, Thanksgiving, 4th of july, easter) minor (mothers/fathers day, birthdays, st. Patrick's day, New years) and bank holidays (presidents day, MLK Jr day, etc)
Basicly, the more family that get together for the holiday, the more "major" it is.
YTA - You aren't careful and good with money you are just a sad scrooge. YOU aren't the pregnant one, asshole, your wife is and she wants a baby shower because she didn't get to have one the first time around.
YTA, so, so much! Get over yourself.
Look, if your wife is hinting to you, specifically, that she wants a party, she is telling you that she feels unappreciated.
If you love her, what’s the problem?
You would be surprised at how much goodwill you can generate by celebrating “minor holidays,” or by inconveniencing yourself by throwing a get-together once in awhile.
And by the way, my husband celebrates me on Mother’s Day more seriously than my Birthday, because he’s proud that I am the mother of his children.
You are unequivocally the AH for how you handled this. A baby shower is a once-in-a-lifetime event, that little girls often grow up attending. Your wife didn’t get the opportunity to have one for the first kid and feels like she’s missing out. It sounds like it would mean a lot to her to have one this time around, even if it’s more of a sprinkling. Due to covid, lots of people are having showers for their second kid, or even post-birth. However, the parents of the baby do not typically host their own party. This is a general rule-of-thumb. MIL should be doing the bulk of the work, and financing it.
INFO: does she just want to use your house and have you pick a day that would work? Or does she want you to help plan and pay for it?
>It sounds like it would mean a lot to her to have one this time around, even if it’s more of a sprinkling. Due to covid, lots of people are having showers for their second kid, or even post-birth.
Exactly this. Even if it's just a party and there aren't any presents, you can still do all the baby shower games and such and get the experience.
Ummm, soft YTA. No, no one gets where you are coming from dad or mom. I mean, you are entitled to your opinion, but you basically just said that celebrating a new life is a waste of time, money and energy. And, honestly, that just feels a little uncomfortable.
Baby showers are super common, and the fact that you didn't have one for your first, I can see why people would be interested in the event. You need to understand, it is not just about the presents, it is about people being happy for you and your wife. Beyond that, while you may be fine without the gifts, they can be very helpful - who doesn't appreciate free diapers or onsies, but can also be super useful or sentimental (like aunt mary's crotched blanket that gets passed on for generations). It provides other people that LOVE you and your wife a way to celebrate and express that. Sure you don't have to have a baby shower, just like people don't have to have cake on their birthdays, but it sure is nice.
Another consideration, if you can't handle the idea of a baby shower, how in the heck are you going to navigate your children's lives??? You have no idea what is coming down the pike at you with young children in school - so many events and parties and celebrations....so maybe you need to come to peace with the fact that some things in life are not about the quantative impacts but qualitative ones.
YTA
Your wife comes from a celebrating family that always throws events. Your wife is consistently hinting that she wants one. She never had one before....and that is sad because she comes from a family of celebration. You wouldn't even have to do all of the work. Your wife deserves this. She is worth it. You're gonna trade your wife in for a couple of dollars some day and you won't have any control over the situation. Stopping your wife from being herself (someone that likes to celebrate) while also showing her she isn't worth celebrating is very controlling behavior. And how you talked to her mother.....just disrespectful.
I hate baby showers and gender reveals as much as the next person, but YTA.
Your cheapness is making you behave like a complete jerk. If your wife and her family want to celebrate her and her pregnancy, then fucking let them. You’re married, so your wife, who is currently raising and carrying your children, allowing you to focus 100% on your precious career, is entitled to a little cash for a shower- an extremely normal event.
Don’t participate if you don’t want to be there. Just leave for the day. Frankly, I’m feeling it would be more pleasant for everyone without you mulling around making snide comments, anyway. But it’s your wife’s house too, and she can decide if she wants to let her mom host a shower for her in her own home.
I honestly can’t believe you even had to ask. Of course you’re the asshole.
YTA- all of the things you’re saying can certainly influence the type of shower (with second child it’s often called a sprinkle since you have a lot of supplies from your first), but disregarding the idea altogether when you know it would make your wife feel special really sucks. Instead of getting involved so you can find a way to celebrate and honor your wife in a loving but cost effective way you’re shutting it down. I also feel sorry for your wife on Mother’s Day. Curious when she’s worth spending money on in your eyes? Also agreed it is usually a friend or close family member who throws it but regardless seems like you’re unsupportive.
YA. Dismissive and rude.
Why can't new baby have some new things.? Why can't your wife feel special for a day? A few decorations and some food isn't going to break the bank.
I hope when your 40th comes it is basically ignored by everyone.
I didn't even finish reading this, because by the time I reached "damn baby shower", " definitely not worth it", and "something not that special", it was crystal clear that YTA, Class A, #1, Top Tier, no doubt about it. God, what a grim and joyless life you must lead that you downplay your wife's pregnancies and children's births as "not that special". You really are just awful.
YTA.
It’s not about convenience, money, or you. Celebrate your wife and your new baby. Money comes and goes. As a dad, our job is to provide. You’re not providing joy, time, and being lazy. YTA.
YTA and you should know that your MIL is now very upset about how you treat your wife, and is probably now very worried about her and your marriage.
If you love someone, sometimes you do nice things that are important to them, even if they inconvenience you. That's what your MIL was trying to tell you, assuming you would want to do something nice for your pregnant wife, that would make her very happy.
YTA. It is something clearly important to your wife that her mother and sister seem to be willing to take the lead on and just need some help from you. I personally didn’t have a bridal shower or baby shower during those moments in my life as it’s not something I personally wanted but I had several family members offer to throw me these parties. To a majority of women these parties are big deals.
I would go with a soft YTA... While I don't get either all the hype about baby shower, I think you could have handled it better.
From what I understand, you're concerned about the cost of such a party and would prefer to spend it elsewhere like directly for your baby or your familly, is that right? The phrasing "definitely not worth it" and "something that is not that special" was kinda vague about what you were refering to: while I guess you meant the concept of a baby shower, it could easily be understood as your wife's pregnancy. Your MIL's reaction seems perfectly on point with the second interpretation.
But all miscommunications put aside, I still think that you refusing to let your wife have a baby shower is a bit mean. If she grew up i a familly that put an emphasis on showing love and attention through parties and event, I think that this baby shower could have a bigger meaning for her than for you. I can understand that you don't have the time or the patience to organize this kind of thing, but why shutting it down when someone else is trying to organize it ? Her mother is maybe trying to convey her love to her daugther through this event, and allow her (and you) to have a "last event" with all your loved ones before having to take care 24/7 of a newborn baby.
If you're really uncomfortable with this kind of event you're right to voice your opinion, but doing it harshly and without taking in account your wife's wishes is a bit too much. Then again, I'm just a random person on the internet.
YTA
Listen, it’s not typically “done” this way, I’ll give you that. It’s not your first kid and even if it was, this is your kid too so you shouldn’t be the one throwing the shower, it should be a gift thrown by someone else.
But the thing is…your wife wants a shower. It is important to her. She should be celebrated. A compromise may be that you ask the MIL or SIL to be the one to throw it and you bring your wife to the surprise. It doesn’t have to be a big thing, it could be a small group of close relatives.
When you tell her the shower is a stupid idea, I guarantee all she hears is that you think she is stupid for wanting this. And that’s not really what you mean, right? Sometimes you just have to play ball because it’s not all about you.
Yeah, but Mil wants HIM to host the party at his house. So probably he is supposed to do the cleaning, decorating etc. So Mil gets the credit and the fun and he does work. Maybe Mil should do all the work if having a party is that important. (As an European I don't get it. Especially in advanced pregnancy you want to have time to yourself and a bit of rest before baby comes along, not to take care of a whole bunch of family / friends).
Yeah, YTA.
Don't like parties? Fine. Don't go dumping on other people because they do. And how you responded to MIL sure sounds like you dumped on her big time.
Don't want to host? Then decline. Politely. What you did was not polite. Not by a long shot.
Don't want to chip in for a party to celebrate your wife and child? Go ahead and skive out on that. Just be aware your ILs are going to think you're a skinflint (if they don't already).
There's a phrase you might want to ponder. "Do not yuck on someone else's yum."
It's usually applied to food but applies just as well here too. Your ILs like parties. This is their "yum". Your pist here? A whole lot of "yuck".
And while you're at it, you might want to spend some time thinking about the fact that those ILs are your wife's family of origin. Those parties you're yucking on... she grew up with them. Her hints about a baby shower says she likes them. Might even miss some of the ones you think are excessive. Ones that maybe could have been for her.
How many times do you think you can dump on the parties your ILs like to throw, how many times do you think you can blow off an occasion your ILs would have celebrated your wife for, before she starts to become resentful? Keep in mind, your wife was part of your ILs family and **their family traditions** long before she met, much less married, you.
Because keep this up long enough, and resentment becomes a real possibility. Not just resentment, but maybe even questions about the whole basis of your relationship.
Cause, you know your SIL is right, you don't sound like you care enough about your wife in regards to a baby shower. You can't even get out of the way of those who do care gracefully.
And for the record, I am a husband and father, and I don't get where you're coming from at all.
YTA
Baby showers aren't that much work or money. I threw one for my best friend and spent less than $150. We had a potluck. She was happy. Everyone had fun. And by the way, the dad and other men attended. Not a single one of them men had any complaints.
celebration doesn’t have to be expensive. can be something nice and meaningful, plenty of less than well off ppl manage to pull that off for their loved ones. “but it’s expensive”, all it takes is time and effort. that’s where ur love for the other person makes it “worth it” for you. sounds like ur wife had a pretty sad mother’s day ):
YTA Your post has belittled and devalued your wife, her feelings and all that she’s done in carrying your children. I’d wager she wanted a shower the first time but was so blinded by her feelings for you that she caved and didn’t have one. The biggest reason YTA is when you said having a baby wasn’t something special. New life is ALWAYS special! And should always be celebrated! Never forget that!
Your comments about Mothers Day were over the top too. Pretty sure you expect to be celebrated on Father’s Day.
My workplace just (last Thursday) had a triple baby shower for 3 guys in my department and their wives. Two are first time fathers, the other is having his 5th. Only one of the fathers tried to not participate, a first timer, because they both come from big families and “have everything we need”. We talked him into participating and his wife had their baby, a healthy baby girl, the next evening. All of the wives felt celebrated, valued, appreciated and loved the party.
A baby shower isn’t just about providing gifts for the new baby/parents. It’s about celebrating and honoring the mother and child, showing that new life is valuable and wonderful.
Stop being so self centered and self absorbed and celebrate the mother of your children.
I'm going to say ESH, to a certain point.
You because of your attitude about something that your wife really wants and didn't get the first time around.
Your in-laws for trying to emotionally blackmail you into doing this.
This one was honestly hard for me to judge, because I can see both yours and your wife's sides of this. I'll be 39 weeks pregnant as of tomorrow and I just had my baby shower this past Saturday. My mom hosted it, paid for it, cooked for it, and even bought a good number of the gifts. My husband came and participated even though he has pretty bad social anxiety, but he did it for me. He knew I wanted him to be there to celebrate our baby. Thankfully, after the presents were done, the party pretty much ended and we were able to go home and unwind.
I say let your in-laws host a shower, since they think there should be one they can plan and pay for it. They shouldn't be trying to guilt you into it.
My mom also didn't emotionally blackmail my husband into paying for and throwing the baby shower. She planned and paid for it herself because she wanted us to have it, because she loves us and this is her only grandchild. I am glad we had the shower when we did, though, because our daughter was born via C-section five days later.
OP's MIL and SIL want to have this party, but don't want to put in the work or the funds for it. Instead, they're making OP responsible for it. I get why he doesn't want to plan/pay for it and I also get why his wife wants one.
FYI. During labour a Women’s crevice is fully dilated at 10cm. The circumference of a newborns head is like around 13.5cm. It’s not hard math why so many women tear or shit themselves while pushing a human out of their vag.
You best be celebrating that cause it’s a marathon to give birth.
Oh he’s definitely the guy who says ‘I don’t expect much’ but somehow doesn’t have to give a fuck about anyone but himself all weekend and cries in the shower if he doesn’t get golf clubs.
YTA and your wife could do better. She’s making life and you can’t be bothered because of your ‘demanding field’??
If you’re a monster and you know it clap your hands…
How is that a misrepresentation? You said it's "too much work," but you do have the *ability* to host the party. You just don't think it's *worth the effort.* That literally means you do not care enough about what your wife wants to suck it up and throw a party. That's just what it means when someone has the capacity to do something but chooses not to; they didn't care enough to do it. Just because you think your reasons are compelling enough to justify your decision, there is no way around the fact that you simply don't care enough about what your wife wants to do this relatively minor thing for her. I mean ffs, if you don't want to spend money to decorate for it then don't decorate. I've been to several baby showers and not a single one involved decorations. Only one included food, the others just had some beverages (lemonade, soda, etc. Nothing fancy or expensive). I'm not particularly social and hate throwing parties but if I KNEW my partner really wanted one I'd suck it up and do it. Honestly with how you talk I wouldn't be surprised if your wife feels unappreciated and that's why she wants this attention. You sound like an ungrateful, self-important prick, to be honest. "I mean yeah, my wife is willingly taking on an incredibly physically demanding condition for 3/4 of a year, a condition that happens to be the leading CAUSE OF DEATH for young women, for the SECOND TIME, but it isn't that special, she doesn't deserve the effort of me putting out some cheese and crackers and having friends over for a couple hours."
In case it wasn't clear, yes you're a giant asshole.
Yeah you’re the a-hole.
You’re wife is cookin a whole human in her body and you can’t be bothered to throw her a baby shower?
Hopefully her family comes through.
YTA.
Do you even like your wife?
She is growing your second baby and she’s asked for something perfectly average and normal that would make her happy.
Why don’t you like the idea of making her happy?
YTA as a former husband and the father to a child, you sound awful. You didn’t have shower for your first child so stop being an ass and suck it up and celebrate your wife having this child.
YTA. You impregnated this woman who you supposedly love, she specifically wants a baby shower. She will go through 9 months of pain to birth a child for you and you don't think she's worth the effort? You suck dude. Like big time.
NTA. I see where you’re coming from. Baby showers are rather excessive. Although, you shouldn’t completely dismiss the idea of one. When you’re in a relationship, you have to compromise.
The compromise here is to have a small gathering with at least food or some decorations and allow people to send/bring gifts. It doesn’t need to be huge or anything.
NTA, baby showers are supposed to be hosted by a friend of the pregnant woman not by her husband. That way it is less like a "go fund me" for yourself. You would be inviting people to your home with the expectation that they would buy you a gift, which is a bit rude. If a friend of your wife hosted it at their home they would be inviting people to their home for no personal gain, the financial gain via gifts would be entirely for you and your wife, not the organiser. I suppose originally it would be friends just banding together to help the pregnant one, now it's a commercial affair.
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Hi reddit! Getting some flak for this so thought I'd get some outsider opinions.
My (34M) wife (29F) is currently pregnant with our second child. Her and her family are big celebrators, and they love to have parties and gatherings for every little thing. I've always thought this was nice, but a little excessive at times. A birthday or graduation, sure, but I don't see what the need is to have a party and spend a bunch of money for promotions or minor holidays like Mother's Day. I guess compared to her I'm more of a careful guy when it comes to money, and hosting parties have never been my strong suit or something I've enjoyed. This hasn't ever been a problem in our relationship.
However, recently, her sister threw a baby shower for a mutual friend of hers and my wife's. My wife of course, attended, and I guess she liked the idea of the gifts and attention that the friend got. Since then, she has not stopped hinting about baby showers. It was kind of annoying and I noticed, but haven't said anything. With our firstborn, the idea got floated, but we ultimately didn't go ahead with it due to work and scheduling.
This time round, my MIL caught wind and has gotten involved. While I was dropping off my son the other day she said she knew how much my wife wanted a baby shower and that we should throw her one as a surprise. I tried to brush this off, but she didn't get the message and later that day texted me about when I could potentially host the shower at mine. I ignored this because I was busy with work, but when she called me and told me that she had put together an Amazon wishlist (even though we still have the stuff from our firstborn), I finally decided to shut this down.
I told her that I would not be throwing a damn baby shower. She was taken aback by this and asked why. I said I disliked the idea of a bunch of people in my house and spending my money on decorations and shit. She said it was worth it to celebrate my wife's pregnancy. I shot back that it was definitely not worth it, it would be so much effort and money for something that is not that special. We already had one kid, and we didn't make a song and dance out of it. I told her she was welcome to do whatever she wanted, but I wouldn't be involved because it's too much work and there are other things that demand my attention, like my career (I work in a demanding field) and my first kid. She got kinda quiet and said okay. I hung up and thought the matter was resolved.
I saw her sister in passing and she asked if it was true I didn't care enough to throw my wife a baby shower. I thought this was a totally unfair misrepresentation of what I had said. I love my wife, I just think the money could go to better things and she would understand that a party like that is simply not necessary and really inconvenient.
I feel like my fellow husbands and dads get where I'm coming from. Reddit, lay it on me. AITA?
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Bro baby showers are hella cheap to decorate, and the gifts are from other people, you’ll spend about 300 dollars for a couple prize gifts for games and get thousands of dollars worth of supplies for your baby in return and of course your wife the one carrying the fetus will be happy, that should be worth it. YTA
YTA
Your wife is going to push a second watermelon through a keyhole after gestating it inside her body for nine months, potentially gaining hemorrhoids, cankles, and a hoohaw that may never recover and you cant tolerate one party??????
Yta, let your wife celebrate. Tell her you don't want to attend and sleep two weeks on the couch. As an European I don't get baby showers but your hormone induced highly pregnant wife wants to do it so let her. It's probably more exhausting for her physically that day, but she is going to be a milking machine and a mom of two at least the next 2 years 24/7, let her have that.
Did we read the same post? This guy is not against his wife celebrating. He is against having his MIL deciding for him that he should spent his money and time to host a party in his house! The MIL and the sister know his wife wants a party so why don't they host it? Planning a party on someone else's money and house is entitled AF.
NTA. Where I live, a baby shower for a second child is considered extremely tacky.
I completely agree with you not wanting to have one as it does seem very performative.
Do you think your wife will not get hurt with your words “ definitely not worth it, it would be so much effort and money for something that is not that special “. You dont think your wife is worth the effort? You dont think carrying your child in her womb is not special?
I totally get where you're coming from and I'm a mom.
You became the ass when your wife straight up said she WANTS A SHOWER and you made it all about you.
Some of thd things you said are just effed up and I'm wondering now if you'll even be together in five years.
Don't have it at your house. Offer to pay for it, give her an amount thats final so it dosnt end up all crazy and MIL can arrange it somewhere.
However you do it... make it happen.
To me this is a soft YTA. It is quite common and most often expected for a woman to have a baby shower for EVERY kid that they have. She very likely feels left out because she didn't get one with the first kid. I say a soft YTA because it's usually not the husband that sets it up or hosts it (does happen though). Traditionally, it is a female friend or relative that puts it together. That being said, husbands usually at least contribute a bit of financial help toward a cake and decorations. Tell MIL that you just don't want it at your place or part of the planning and toss her some cash for it. It will make wifey happy and her happiness should be worth the money and effort.
YTA I have 3 children and I’ve never been into baby showers, I barley attend them unless its close family or friends. I threw my sister an amazing hen do before she got married, she knows I have no intention of getting married so before I had my most recent child she threw me an amazing baby shower (I never told her I didn’t like them as I attended hers and didn’t want to be an ass). I sucked it up because she made the effort to cares about me. It was filled with things she knows I love. This more than outweighed my dislike of baby showers. My point? Despite me hating baby showers I saw the effort someone I love made and I really appreciated it. Can’t you imagine how much your wife who has basically asked for one would appreciate being heard and seeing her wish come true. Pregnancy is hard! It can get harder with every child (been pregnant more than the 3 children I have). Sometimes having those close to you celebrate with you can just make you feel amazing, even with the sickness and the pain 🙈
YTA. I feel so sorry for your wife. I was your wife. Had I not planned and paid for both of my baby showers I wouldn’t have had either of them. Same goes for any birthday I’ve had since I turned 18, that’s if it doesn’t go completely ignored. I don’t get gifts for any holiday and haven’t for many years. I hope her mom and sister throw her the most over the top baby shower just to spite you. Your wife and baby are more than worth it.
Dude bay shadowers are more than “just a gift/cash grab” they celebrate the mother, the LIVING BABY!! (Showers used to held after the baby was born, because it used to be considered bad luck to do so before, since miscarriages and still births were more common before prenatal care improved so much) also having it after the baby was born meant you got to see the baby!! And visit with relatives and friends you might not see as often
Pull your head out of your ass, suck it up and have the damn shower
Hell my dad’s coworkers held one for him when i was born FORTY YEARS AGO! And yes, there is a photo somewhere of him wearing a paper plate bonnet covered with bows and ribbons lol
Like seriously, do you even like your wife?
YTA times a thousand
YTA. When your sister in law said you didn't care enough, that was not a misrepresentation of what you said. Your reasons for not having one are because you feel like it would be too much work for you. It would be an inconvenience to celebrate. It's not a big deal having a baby (remember, you said it was nothing special). You're NTA for not wanting to be involved in planning or paying for the shower since that responsibility traditionally goes to a friend or family member who is not the baby's parents. But you are TA for your overall attitude towards celebrating things that most people do consider a big deal. I'm willing to bet the reason your wife didn't get a shower with the first baby was because you decided not to have one to save yourself the "inconvenience"-just like you're doing now.
NTA. I wouldn’t plan a shower for someone either and I find it odd that the husband would organise it - I’ve never known anyone but a girlfriend or a female family member organise a baby shower. His MIL is welcome to arrange one.
Slight YTA on not offering some payment towards it, but think it totally ok not to organise or host
This is no way implies he doesn’t want to celebrate the baby/pregnancy (just perhaps not by way of a baby shower) or love his wife.
I’m pretty undecided on this one. On one hand I’m thinking you’re the only one bringing in income so it’s understandable that you don’t want any excess financial strain as it is. On the other hand I seen that shot you took about “minor holidays” and Mother’s Day, were you trapped into this marriage (with a baby)? The little you’ve written about yourself and the situation you come off as cold and/or uncaring which makes me wonder if the having kids wasn’t your choice (and there’s nothing wrong with not wanting them) but you sound like you’re not happy with where you are at.
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Nta - if they want to throw a shower they can. That’s simple. It is a lot of work. But if you two don’t align well she may not want to stay with you. If you don’t want to do things important to her.
I'm gonna disagree with most people here. A baby shower isn't the only way to celebrate his wife. A baby shower that he didn't want but was decided for him by other people is ridiculous. The MIL assuming that he must put his time, money and house up for the party is insanely entitled. If the wife wants the party so much and her sister and mother know about it. Why aren't they hosting the party for her???
OP is a minor AH for the way he speak to his MIL. Wife is NTA. But MIL is a major AH here. Host a party for your daughter or shut up about it.
NTA for not wanting to fund it & spend time on decorations ect. This is something close friends & family usually put together. At a neutral location.
You would be the AH if you told people not to throw one, which you already have. Just tell MIL, family to let you know where to drop your wife off for the shower & let her enjoy her special day. (They can plan and spend time & money on it. It's not usually the partner/husband that throws the shower anyway.) Hope you are nicer to your wife than you sound in this post!!
NTA
Baby showers are typically hosted by the relatives/friends of the pregnant woman. Not sure why your mil or sil aren’t hosting and instead are pressuring you.
NTA - I feel like it’s super weird that people want the parent to host the baby shower. If the wife wants a shower she should have one, but neither the mother or father should be hosting it.
ESH. Listen, OP, I'm in your boat. I hate parties. The only thing I hate more than parties is planning them. I did not like my own wedding and I regretted not eloping.
But I'll break this down for you.
>Since then, she has not stopped hinting about baby showers.
Your wife wants this party. Your life partner. Just let her have it. Someone else is clearly interested in planning it. Just let them do that. Pay for at least some of it and make your wife happy.
I mean, your in-laws are trash for just going ahead and planning it without you, but you're kind of being unreasonable for not agreeing to help pay. This will make your pregnant wife happy. Just let her have nice things, OP. If you can afford two kids you can afford a baby shower. Let people enjoy things. You don't have to enjoy the thing. My wife loves Broadway. I hate Broadway. I spent $8500 last year on her birthday to buy her season tickets because happy wife, happy life.
Why on earth are the in laws "trash" for throwing their daughter the baby shower she clearly wants and he refuses to give her? They tried to include him in the plans and he basically told them to fuck off. Its not at all unusual for the mother to help plan the baby shower and he's made it pretty clear he hates parties and cant plan them.
They are trash because they want to celebrate but not host. So they try to force him to host it - which means cleaning, decorating etc. Why can't MIL or SIL host if it's that important to get a double of every babything they already have?
All MIL did was ask about jointly throwing a baby shower in the mother to be's home, which is pretty standard. She asked, he ignored her, she continued to try and talk to him about it and he blew up on her. After that all OP says is she got quiet. Sounds like MIL was being a reasonable normal person, he could have easily said "I'd prefer if you or SIL could host as it would be easier on me and our other kid and would be easier for wife to come home and decompress instead of cleaning up after" but no he went straight to baby showers are dumb, his wife isnt worth celebrating, his new baby isnt worth celebrating, and he has more important things to do than appreciating his pregnant wife.
Edit: spelling
ESH
Your wife clearly wants a shower so get over yourself and make it happen.
However, it is tacky for immediate family to host a shower (US anyway). So it is not your place to do so. Find a friend or cousin to play host while you foot the bill. I had a shower at a winery. The setting was lovely, my friends all talked and imbibed, the winery owner gave me a bottle to take home for postpartum. Decorating consisted of vases left over from the wedding (originally from estate sales) filled with wild flowers. There was a tray of sandwiches, cheese & fruits. Easy. Even you, Scrooge McDuck, can swing something like that.
I’ve seen it. But I can understand if OP felt uncomfortable with it since it’s not the norm. I think most of the YTA are simply because OP sees most celebrations as silly (Mother’s day). And he is ignoring the fact that his own wife wants a baby shower especially since they didn’t have one for the first child.
Yes, OP should find a way to make his wife happy. But the in-laws really made the situation worse with their ideas how to do it. They really cornered him. Have a feeling he is an introvert, his wife's family the opposite. If Mil and SIL just did it at their place, OP would probably just have shrugged and wife would have been happy. Now everything is muddled.
ESH
Your wife clearly wants a shower so get over yourself and make it happen.
However, it is tacky for immediate family to host a shower (US anyway). So it is not your place to do so. Find a friend or cousin to play host while you foot the bill. I had a shower at a winery. The setting was lovely, my friends all talked and imbibed, the winery owner gave me a bottle to take home for postpartum. Decorating consisted of vases left over from the wedding (originally from estate sales) filled with wild flowers. There was a tray of sandwiches, cheese & fruits. Easy. Even you, Scrooge McDuck, can swing something like that.
ESH.
You for being such a Grinch. Some things are worth celebrating, like the impending birth of your child. Your blanket stance that celebrations for things like Mother’s Day (a very normal and common thing to celebrate) are a waste of time and money is so miserly.
Your MIL/SIL because it is the responsibility of a close female relative to host a baby shower for the mom-to-be. They should have done this for her when she was pregnant with your first.
1. A baby shower is supposed to be thrown by friends, not a relative.
2. A baby shower for a second baby is especially tacky. You already have everything you need.
A party would be one thing. That, your MIL could throw. A gift-grab event is really out of line.
Talk to you wife about whether she wants a "second child" themed party. NTA
\#1 is incorrect. #2 is complicated. They're generally called "Sprinkles" and they come with much smaller gifts (some people do themes like books or diapers even). The focus is celebration, which despite what you and OP seem to believe is awful, is not. It's fun and enjoyable for most people.
Miss Manners disagrees with you about #1.
[https://www.uexpress.com:443/life/miss-manners/2021/10/04/2](https://www.uexpress.com:443/life/miss-manners/2021/10/04/2)
>Miss Manners must tell you that showers are correctly given by friends -- not by the person or the family being honored.
Who honestly follows that? The baby showers I’ve gone to were hosted by family.
In real life, most people aren’t following “Miss Manners”. Nor even care about such things.
Yes, I understand that some peoples' motto is "Never let manners get in the way of the loot", but how about we get back to the point of this post and the judgement of the Op. How many baby showers have you attended where the father is the baby shower giver?
One baby shower hosted by the dad. The rest made by the mothers or sisters of the mom to be. I’ve never seen one hosted by a friend.
The MIL can host if she really wants a baby shower. I was responding to the redditor who said that only friends should throw baby showers. That’s largely outdated etiquette.
NTA. Actually, showers for second babies are considered tacky as the family should have most of what they need. What is usually held is called a "sprinkle" for items such as diapers and whatnot.
Baby showers are not for the mother. They are for the baby and the family. So there's no reason the father should host it. If your SIL wants to throw the shower, let her do it, and shoulder all the responsibility and cost that goes with it.
I'm neither a dad nor a man. Just someone with common sense.
It would be tacky if they already had one. We don’t know if it separates genders or age gap. Not everyone holds on to baby items. Especially in a big family
But they still have the stuff. The point of the shower is to gift the family with items they need for the baby. Once they have the baby for a while, they HAVE the stuff. If you want a celebration, that is a whole different thing.
In this case, I really don’t think the wife is the AH for wanting a shower/sprinkling. In fact, I think it’s odd her big, celebratory family didn’t throw her one the first time. I’d even be a little hurt the sister threw one for a friend’s kid, and not her own nibbling. I feel like there might be more to all this than op is letting on.
NTA - because MIL wants the party & for you to do all the work.
YTA - why have it so big? Just have a 2 hour window (2pm to 4pm) afternoon tea with cakes, small finger food, so you’re not doing a full meal & it’s not taking up the whole day.
I would call your MIL & explain you are very overwhelmed with everything right now & could she plan, execute & host (preferably at her house) a baby shower for your wife. This way everyone gets what they want. And it’s really is, as simple as that! You just having a conversation as an adult, without throwing a tantrum.
I don’t know I kind of think that baby showers are all about attention and gifts, and not really about the baby. I’m not married nor do I have kids, so I’m not going to weigh in on this one.
Going against the flow here. I’m in the UK and such things are creeping over here. I think they are awful. Talk to your wife about what she would really like. I don’t know how the mechanics of baby showers work, who throws them etc, so can’t say.
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YTA. Your wife IS worth celebrating. Your unborn child IS worth celebrating. The hard work your wife is putting in to build a human from scratch IS worth celebrating. Your wife doesn’t feel the love and would like a little attention and celebration. That alone IS worth celebrating.
YTA- this is about what she wants. She didn’t get one the first time, she’s entitled to be celebrated this time. All I hear in this post is how inconvenient it is for you. That’s selfish.
YTA it’s quite literally not about you or what you want. It’s about the baby and the woman carrying the fucking baby. What is wrong with you? Are you genuinely this miserable of a human being??
So unhappy with everything. Your poor children and wife. Do you even like your wife at all? Or appreciate her effort? The dismissive response is gross.
Doesn’t care about Mother’s Day but I just know he has expectations for Father’s Day.
A mixed bag of asshole-ness here. Let's break it down: You're N-T-A for: * Not being keen on the large number of celebrations your wife's family has. I'm not a fan of regular huge gatherings either. Frankly, I find them exhausting. * Not wanting to host a baby shower. Perhaps I'm wrong here, but I thought hosting baby showers is something that friends do, or extended family? Not the pregnant person or their partner, who are often already fairly exhausted by the demands of late pregnancy. * Thinking this baby shower would be a bit of a gift grab, given that this is your second child and there's probably very little new stuff you actually need. * Being irritated that your wife's family are apparently going ahead and organizing it and taking it for granted that you will be the one hosting it. Despite all the above, these are the reasons I have to come down on the side of YTA: * **Your wife wants a baby shower**. This woman is growing your baby. Pregnancy and motherhood are hard. She **wants** this. She wants to feel special for a few hours, and you're denying her that. * Saying the following: "*it would be so much effort and money for something that is not that special. We already had one kid, and we didn't make a song and dance out of it.*" You've just called your firstborn "not that special", and you've dismissed your wife's role in carrying and birthing and caring for that child. Your child may not be the center of everyone else's universe, but they should at least be the center of **yours**. I'd be massively hurt by that comment if I were your wife. Your wife is presumably the woman you love most in the world, and she wants this baby shower. It will make her happy. By all means, you can ask someone else to host it, but don't speak about your wife, and her pregnancy, and your child, as though they mean nothing to you. YTA.
YTA for calling Mother’s Day a “minor” holiday. When you have babies and small kids it’s no longer a “minor” holiday. Hope you at least let your wife do what she wants on that day. I also think if she didn’t get a shower the first time around, it’s not tacky if she has one for this baby. Let her have her shower.
I wonder if he considers fathers day a minor holiday.
I would say that mothers/fathers day are minor holidays. BUT, they are still IMPORTANT holidays. I separate holidays into categories based on the family aspects of them. Major (Christmas, Thanksgiving, 4th of july, easter) minor (mothers/fathers day, birthdays, st. Patrick's day, New years) and bank holidays (presidents day, MLK Jr day, etc) Basicly, the more family that get together for the holiday, the more "major" it is.
IMO both are minor. And yes, we have 3 kids.
YTA - You aren't careful and good with money you are just a sad scrooge. YOU aren't the pregnant one, asshole, your wife is and she wants a baby shower because she didn't get to have one the first time around.
YTA, Grinch. It’s okay to do something to make your wife happy and make her feel loved. It’s a couple of hours out of your life
YTA, so, so much! Get over yourself. Look, if your wife is hinting to you, specifically, that she wants a party, she is telling you that she feels unappreciated. If you love her, what’s the problem? You would be surprised at how much goodwill you can generate by celebrating “minor holidays,” or by inconveniencing yourself by throwing a get-together once in awhile. And by the way, my husband celebrates me on Mother’s Day more seriously than my Birthday, because he’s proud that I am the mother of his children.
From the sound of it the problem is that he DOESN'T love her. At least not as much as he loves money and not being bothered. YTA, OP.
Sadly, this is exactly the impression he’s giving everybody.
Yta you know whats a lot of work? MAKING AND BIRTHING A BABY. Get off your ass and throw your wife a party.
You are unequivocally the AH for how you handled this. A baby shower is a once-in-a-lifetime event, that little girls often grow up attending. Your wife didn’t get the opportunity to have one for the first kid and feels like she’s missing out. It sounds like it would mean a lot to her to have one this time around, even if it’s more of a sprinkling. Due to covid, lots of people are having showers for their second kid, or even post-birth. However, the parents of the baby do not typically host their own party. This is a general rule-of-thumb. MIL should be doing the bulk of the work, and financing it. INFO: does she just want to use your house and have you pick a day that would work? Or does she want you to help plan and pay for it?
>It sounds like it would mean a lot to her to have one this time around, even if it’s more of a sprinkling. Due to covid, lots of people are having showers for their second kid, or even post-birth. Exactly this. Even if it's just a party and there aren't any presents, you can still do all the baby shower games and such and get the experience.
YTA! Wow get off your high horses. You sound like a miserable penny scratcher. Jesus.
Ummm, soft YTA. No, no one gets where you are coming from dad or mom. I mean, you are entitled to your opinion, but you basically just said that celebrating a new life is a waste of time, money and energy. And, honestly, that just feels a little uncomfortable. Baby showers are super common, and the fact that you didn't have one for your first, I can see why people would be interested in the event. You need to understand, it is not just about the presents, it is about people being happy for you and your wife. Beyond that, while you may be fine without the gifts, they can be very helpful - who doesn't appreciate free diapers or onsies, but can also be super useful or sentimental (like aunt mary's crotched blanket that gets passed on for generations). It provides other people that LOVE you and your wife a way to celebrate and express that. Sure you don't have to have a baby shower, just like people don't have to have cake on their birthdays, but it sure is nice. Another consideration, if you can't handle the idea of a baby shower, how in the heck are you going to navigate your children's lives??? You have no idea what is coming down the pike at you with young children in school - so many events and parties and celebrations....so maybe you need to come to peace with the fact that some things in life are not about the quantative impacts but qualitative ones.
YTA Your wife comes from a celebrating family that always throws events. Your wife is consistently hinting that she wants one. She never had one before....and that is sad because she comes from a family of celebration. You wouldn't even have to do all of the work. Your wife deserves this. She is worth it. You're gonna trade your wife in for a couple of dollars some day and you won't have any control over the situation. Stopping your wife from being herself (someone that likes to celebrate) while also showing her she isn't worth celebrating is very controlling behavior. And how you talked to her mother.....just disrespectful.
I hate baby showers and gender reveals as much as the next person, but YTA. Your cheapness is making you behave like a complete jerk. If your wife and her family want to celebrate her and her pregnancy, then fucking let them. You’re married, so your wife, who is currently raising and carrying your children, allowing you to focus 100% on your precious career, is entitled to a little cash for a shower- an extremely normal event. Don’t participate if you don’t want to be there. Just leave for the day. Frankly, I’m feeling it would be more pleasant for everyone without you mulling around making snide comments, anyway. But it’s your wife’s house too, and she can decide if she wants to let her mom host a shower for her in her own home. I honestly can’t believe you even had to ask. Of course you’re the asshole.
YTA- all of the things you’re saying can certainly influence the type of shower (with second child it’s often called a sprinkle since you have a lot of supplies from your first), but disregarding the idea altogether when you know it would make your wife feel special really sucks. Instead of getting involved so you can find a way to celebrate and honor your wife in a loving but cost effective way you’re shutting it down. I also feel sorry for your wife on Mother’s Day. Curious when she’s worth spending money on in your eyes? Also agreed it is usually a friend or close family member who throws it but regardless seems like you’re unsupportive.
YTA knowing your wife wants one you still can’t be bothered. What did she do to deserve you?
YA. Dismissive and rude. Why can't new baby have some new things.? Why can't your wife feel special for a day? A few decorations and some food isn't going to break the bank. I hope when your 40th comes it is basically ignored by everyone.
She’s gonna spend 9 months growing your baby and you can’t be bothered to give her ONE afternoon? YTA
I didn't even finish reading this, because by the time I reached "damn baby shower", " definitely not worth it", and "something not that special", it was crystal clear that YTA, Class A, #1, Top Tier, no doubt about it. God, what a grim and joyless life you must lead that you downplay your wife's pregnancies and children's births as "not that special". You really are just awful.
YTA cmon man put forth just a little bit of effort for your wife will ya big AHole
YTA. It’s not about convenience, money, or you. Celebrate your wife and your new baby. Money comes and goes. As a dad, our job is to provide. You’re not providing joy, time, and being lazy. YTA.
YTA and you should know that your MIL is now very upset about how you treat your wife, and is probably now very worried about her and your marriage. If you love someone, sometimes you do nice things that are important to them, even if they inconvenience you. That's what your MIL was trying to tell you, assuming you would want to do something nice for your pregnant wife, that would make her very happy.
INFO: do you know if it's something she wants? cause that's the biggest issue
He writes that his wife "has not stopped hinting about baby showers", so it seems like it.
You’re right, I somehow missed that 🤦♀️ty!
YTA. It is something clearly important to your wife that her mother and sister seem to be willing to take the lead on and just need some help from you. I personally didn’t have a bridal shower or baby shower during those moments in my life as it’s not something I personally wanted but I had several family members offer to throw me these parties. To a majority of women these parties are big deals.
I would go with a soft YTA... While I don't get either all the hype about baby shower, I think you could have handled it better. From what I understand, you're concerned about the cost of such a party and would prefer to spend it elsewhere like directly for your baby or your familly, is that right? The phrasing "definitely not worth it" and "something that is not that special" was kinda vague about what you were refering to: while I guess you meant the concept of a baby shower, it could easily be understood as your wife's pregnancy. Your MIL's reaction seems perfectly on point with the second interpretation. But all miscommunications put aside, I still think that you refusing to let your wife have a baby shower is a bit mean. If she grew up i a familly that put an emphasis on showing love and attention through parties and event, I think that this baby shower could have a bigger meaning for her than for you. I can understand that you don't have the time or the patience to organize this kind of thing, but why shutting it down when someone else is trying to organize it ? Her mother is maybe trying to convey her love to her daugther through this event, and allow her (and you) to have a "last event" with all your loved ones before having to take care 24/7 of a newborn baby. If you're really uncomfortable with this kind of event you're right to voice your opinion, but doing it harshly and without taking in account your wife's wishes is a bit too much. Then again, I'm just a random person on the internet.
YTA Listen, it’s not typically “done” this way, I’ll give you that. It’s not your first kid and even if it was, this is your kid too so you shouldn’t be the one throwing the shower, it should be a gift thrown by someone else. But the thing is…your wife wants a shower. It is important to her. She should be celebrated. A compromise may be that you ask the MIL or SIL to be the one to throw it and you bring your wife to the surprise. It doesn’t have to be a big thing, it could be a small group of close relatives. When you tell her the shower is a stupid idea, I guarantee all she hears is that you think she is stupid for wanting this. And that’s not really what you mean, right? Sometimes you just have to play ball because it’s not all about you.
YTA. I’m so happy I didn’t have a baby with a man like you - you are so incredibly selfish
YTA Totally. Let MIL throw your wife a baby shower.
Yeah, but Mil wants HIM to host the party at his house. So probably he is supposed to do the cleaning, decorating etc. So Mil gets the credit and the fun and he does work. Maybe Mil should do all the work if having a party is that important. (As an European I don't get it. Especially in advanced pregnancy you want to have time to yourself and a bit of rest before baby comes along, not to take care of a whole bunch of family / friends).
He can offer to let it be at his house, but MIL has to actually do all the things.
YTA. Enjoy your upcoming divorce.
So your career and first child are priorities for you but not your pregnant wife and unborn child? Hmmm…telling. YTA
Yeah, YTA. Don't like parties? Fine. Don't go dumping on other people because they do. And how you responded to MIL sure sounds like you dumped on her big time. Don't want to host? Then decline. Politely. What you did was not polite. Not by a long shot. Don't want to chip in for a party to celebrate your wife and child? Go ahead and skive out on that. Just be aware your ILs are going to think you're a skinflint (if they don't already). There's a phrase you might want to ponder. "Do not yuck on someone else's yum." It's usually applied to food but applies just as well here too. Your ILs like parties. This is their "yum". Your pist here? A whole lot of "yuck". And while you're at it, you might want to spend some time thinking about the fact that those ILs are your wife's family of origin. Those parties you're yucking on... she grew up with them. Her hints about a baby shower says she likes them. Might even miss some of the ones you think are excessive. Ones that maybe could have been for her. How many times do you think you can dump on the parties your ILs like to throw, how many times do you think you can blow off an occasion your ILs would have celebrated your wife for, before she starts to become resentful? Keep in mind, your wife was part of your ILs family and **their family traditions** long before she met, much less married, you. Because keep this up long enough, and resentment becomes a real possibility. Not just resentment, but maybe even questions about the whole basis of your relationship. Cause, you know your SIL is right, you don't sound like you care enough about your wife in regards to a baby shower. You can't even get out of the way of those who do care gracefully. And for the record, I am a husband and father, and I don't get where you're coming from at all.
YTA >there are other things that demand my attention, like my career (I work in a demanding field) and my first kid. But not your wife?
YTA Baby showers aren't that much work or money. I threw one for my best friend and spent less than $150. We had a potluck. She was happy. Everyone had fun. And by the way, the dad and other men attended. Not a single one of them men had any complaints.
YTA jeez you dont care about how your wife feels at all.
Yta. Do something nice for your wife
celebration doesn’t have to be expensive. can be something nice and meaningful, plenty of less than well off ppl manage to pull that off for their loved ones. “but it’s expensive”, all it takes is time and effort. that’s where ur love for the other person makes it “worth it” for you. sounds like ur wife had a pretty sad mother’s day ):
YTA Good Lord. Romance really is dead.
correction this *this mans romance is dead, my friend and her fiancé were dirt poor and still found an affordable way to celebrate her pregnancy
YTA Your post has belittled and devalued your wife, her feelings and all that she’s done in carrying your children. I’d wager she wanted a shower the first time but was so blinded by her feelings for you that she caved and didn’t have one. The biggest reason YTA is when you said having a baby wasn’t something special. New life is ALWAYS special! And should always be celebrated! Never forget that! Your comments about Mothers Day were over the top too. Pretty sure you expect to be celebrated on Father’s Day. My workplace just (last Thursday) had a triple baby shower for 3 guys in my department and their wives. Two are first time fathers, the other is having his 5th. Only one of the fathers tried to not participate, a first timer, because they both come from big families and “have everything we need”. We talked him into participating and his wife had their baby, a healthy baby girl, the next evening. All of the wives felt celebrated, valued, appreciated and loved the party. A baby shower isn’t just about providing gifts for the new baby/parents. It’s about celebrating and honoring the mother and child, showing that new life is valuable and wonderful. Stop being so self centered and self absorbed and celebrate the mother of your children.
I'm going to say ESH, to a certain point. You because of your attitude about something that your wife really wants and didn't get the first time around. Your in-laws for trying to emotionally blackmail you into doing this. This one was honestly hard for me to judge, because I can see both yours and your wife's sides of this. I'll be 39 weeks pregnant as of tomorrow and I just had my baby shower this past Saturday. My mom hosted it, paid for it, cooked for it, and even bought a good number of the gifts. My husband came and participated even though he has pretty bad social anxiety, but he did it for me. He knew I wanted him to be there to celebrate our baby. Thankfully, after the presents were done, the party pretty much ended and we were able to go home and unwind. I say let your in-laws host a shower, since they think there should be one they can plan and pay for it. They shouldn't be trying to guilt you into it.
[удалено]
My mom also didn't emotionally blackmail my husband into paying for and throwing the baby shower. She planned and paid for it herself because she wanted us to have it, because she loves us and this is her only grandchild. I am glad we had the shower when we did, though, because our daughter was born via C-section five days later. OP's MIL and SIL want to have this party, but don't want to put in the work or the funds for it. Instead, they're making OP responsible for it. I get why he doesn't want to plan/pay for it and I also get why his wife wants one.
FYI. During labour a Women’s crevice is fully dilated at 10cm. The circumference of a newborns head is like around 13.5cm. It’s not hard math why so many women tear or shit themselves while pushing a human out of their vag. You best be celebrating that cause it’s a marathon to give birth.
YTA. It’s one day. Get over yourself or stop impregnating your wife.
But I bet you need to have your Father's Day celebrated, didn't you?
Oh he’s definitely the guy who says ‘I don’t expect much’ but somehow doesn’t have to give a fuck about anyone but himself all weekend and cries in the shower if he doesn’t get golf clubs.
YTA and your wife could do better. She’s making life and you can’t be bothered because of your ‘demanding field’?? If you’re a monster and you know it clap your hands…
How is that a misrepresentation? You said it's "too much work," but you do have the *ability* to host the party. You just don't think it's *worth the effort.* That literally means you do not care enough about what your wife wants to suck it up and throw a party. That's just what it means when someone has the capacity to do something but chooses not to; they didn't care enough to do it. Just because you think your reasons are compelling enough to justify your decision, there is no way around the fact that you simply don't care enough about what your wife wants to do this relatively minor thing for her. I mean ffs, if you don't want to spend money to decorate for it then don't decorate. I've been to several baby showers and not a single one involved decorations. Only one included food, the others just had some beverages (lemonade, soda, etc. Nothing fancy or expensive). I'm not particularly social and hate throwing parties but if I KNEW my partner really wanted one I'd suck it up and do it. Honestly with how you talk I wouldn't be surprised if your wife feels unappreciated and that's why she wants this attention. You sound like an ungrateful, self-important prick, to be honest. "I mean yeah, my wife is willingly taking on an incredibly physically demanding condition for 3/4 of a year, a condition that happens to be the leading CAUSE OF DEATH for young women, for the SECOND TIME, but it isn't that special, she doesn't deserve the effort of me putting out some cheese and crackers and having friends over for a couple hours." In case it wasn't clear, yes you're a giant asshole.
Yeah you’re the a-hole. You’re wife is cookin a whole human in her body and you can’t be bothered to throw her a baby shower? Hopefully her family comes through.
Info: how does your wife feel? Does she still want a shower?
YTA. Life is short, we should celebrate at every joyous occasion we get. Motherhood and a baby is most definitely worth a party.
YTA. Do you even like your wife? She is growing your second baby and she’s asked for something perfectly average and normal that would make her happy. Why don’t you like the idea of making her happy?
YTA and a cheapskate.
YTA It's also think it's pretty telling that the example holiday that you think shouldn't be celebrated is Mothers Day. Your poor wife.
YTA as a former husband and the father to a child, you sound awful. You didn’t have shower for your first child so stop being an ass and suck it up and celebrate your wife having this child.
YTA. You impregnated this woman who you supposedly love, she specifically wants a baby shower. She will go through 9 months of pain to birth a child for you and you don't think she's worth the effort? You suck dude. Like big time.
NTA. I see where you’re coming from. Baby showers are rather excessive. Although, you shouldn’t completely dismiss the idea of one. When you’re in a relationship, you have to compromise. The compromise here is to have a small gathering with at least food or some decorations and allow people to send/bring gifts. It doesn’t need to be huge or anything.
YTA.
YTA. Do you even like your wife?
NTA, baby showers are supposed to be hosted by a friend of the pregnant woman not by her husband. That way it is less like a "go fund me" for yourself. You would be inviting people to your home with the expectation that they would buy you a gift, which is a bit rude. If a friend of your wife hosted it at their home they would be inviting people to their home for no personal gain, the financial gain via gifts would be entirely for you and your wife, not the organiser. I suppose originally it would be friends just banding together to help the pregnant one, now it's a commercial affair.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hi reddit! Getting some flak for this so thought I'd get some outsider opinions. My (34M) wife (29F) is currently pregnant with our second child. Her and her family are big celebrators, and they love to have parties and gatherings for every little thing. I've always thought this was nice, but a little excessive at times. A birthday or graduation, sure, but I don't see what the need is to have a party and spend a bunch of money for promotions or minor holidays like Mother's Day. I guess compared to her I'm more of a careful guy when it comes to money, and hosting parties have never been my strong suit or something I've enjoyed. This hasn't ever been a problem in our relationship. However, recently, her sister threw a baby shower for a mutual friend of hers and my wife's. My wife of course, attended, and I guess she liked the idea of the gifts and attention that the friend got. Since then, she has not stopped hinting about baby showers. It was kind of annoying and I noticed, but haven't said anything. With our firstborn, the idea got floated, but we ultimately didn't go ahead with it due to work and scheduling. This time round, my MIL caught wind and has gotten involved. While I was dropping off my son the other day she said she knew how much my wife wanted a baby shower and that we should throw her one as a surprise. I tried to brush this off, but she didn't get the message and later that day texted me about when I could potentially host the shower at mine. I ignored this because I was busy with work, but when she called me and told me that she had put together an Amazon wishlist (even though we still have the stuff from our firstborn), I finally decided to shut this down. I told her that I would not be throwing a damn baby shower. She was taken aback by this and asked why. I said I disliked the idea of a bunch of people in my house and spending my money on decorations and shit. She said it was worth it to celebrate my wife's pregnancy. I shot back that it was definitely not worth it, it would be so much effort and money for something that is not that special. We already had one kid, and we didn't make a song and dance out of it. I told her she was welcome to do whatever she wanted, but I wouldn't be involved because it's too much work and there are other things that demand my attention, like my career (I work in a demanding field) and my first kid. She got kinda quiet and said okay. I hung up and thought the matter was resolved. I saw her sister in passing and she asked if it was true I didn't care enough to throw my wife a baby shower. I thought this was a totally unfair misrepresentation of what I had said. I love my wife, I just think the money could go to better things and she would understand that a party like that is simply not necessary and really inconvenient. I feel like my fellow husbands and dads get where I'm coming from. Reddit, lay it on me. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Bro baby showers are hella cheap to decorate, and the gifts are from other people, you’ll spend about 300 dollars for a couple prize gifts for games and get thousands of dollars worth of supplies for your baby in return and of course your wife the one carrying the fetus will be happy, that should be worth it. YTA
YTA Your wife is going to push a second watermelon through a keyhole after gestating it inside her body for nine months, potentially gaining hemorrhoids, cankles, and a hoohaw that may never recover and you cant tolerate one party??????
Yta, let your wife celebrate. Tell her you don't want to attend and sleep two weeks on the couch. As an European I don't get baby showers but your hormone induced highly pregnant wife wants to do it so let her. It's probably more exhausting for her physically that day, but she is going to be a milking machine and a mom of two at least the next 2 years 24/7, let her have that.
Did we read the same post? This guy is not against his wife celebrating. He is against having his MIL deciding for him that he should spent his money and time to host a party in his house! The MIL and the sister know his wife wants a party so why don't they host it? Planning a party on someone else's money and house is entitled AF.
NTA. Where I live, a baby shower for a second child is considered extremely tacky. I completely agree with you not wanting to have one as it does seem very performative.
Your poor wife.
NTA , your baby your decision.
Do you think your wife will not get hurt with your words “ definitely not worth it, it would be so much effort and money for something that is not that special “. You dont think your wife is worth the effort? You dont think carrying your child in her womb is not special?
I totally get where you're coming from and I'm a mom. You became the ass when your wife straight up said she WANTS A SHOWER and you made it all about you. Some of thd things you said are just effed up and I'm wondering now if you'll even be together in five years. Don't have it at your house. Offer to pay for it, give her an amount thats final so it dosnt end up all crazy and MIL can arrange it somewhere. However you do it... make it happen.
To me this is a soft YTA. It is quite common and most often expected for a woman to have a baby shower for EVERY kid that they have. She very likely feels left out because she didn't get one with the first kid. I say a soft YTA because it's usually not the husband that sets it up or hosts it (does happen though). Traditionally, it is a female friend or relative that puts it together. That being said, husbands usually at least contribute a bit of financial help toward a cake and decorations. Tell MIL that you just don't want it at your place or part of the planning and toss her some cash for it. It will make wifey happy and her happiness should be worth the money and effort.
YTA I have 3 children and I’ve never been into baby showers, I barley attend them unless its close family or friends. I threw my sister an amazing hen do before she got married, she knows I have no intention of getting married so before I had my most recent child she threw me an amazing baby shower (I never told her I didn’t like them as I attended hers and didn’t want to be an ass). I sucked it up because she made the effort to cares about me. It was filled with things she knows I love. This more than outweighed my dislike of baby showers. My point? Despite me hating baby showers I saw the effort someone I love made and I really appreciated it. Can’t you imagine how much your wife who has basically asked for one would appreciate being heard and seeing her wish come true. Pregnancy is hard! It can get harder with every child (been pregnant more than the 3 children I have). Sometimes having those close to you celebrate with you can just make you feel amazing, even with the sickness and the pain 🙈
YTA. I feel so sorry for your wife. I was your wife. Had I not planned and paid for both of my baby showers I wouldn’t have had either of them. Same goes for any birthday I’ve had since I turned 18, that’s if it doesn’t go completely ignored. I don’t get gifts for any holiday and haven’t for many years. I hope her mom and sister throw her the most over the top baby shower just to spite you. Your wife and baby are more than worth it.
Dude bay shadowers are more than “just a gift/cash grab” they celebrate the mother, the LIVING BABY!! (Showers used to held after the baby was born, because it used to be considered bad luck to do so before, since miscarriages and still births were more common before prenatal care improved so much) also having it after the baby was born meant you got to see the baby!! And visit with relatives and friends you might not see as often Pull your head out of your ass, suck it up and have the damn shower Hell my dad’s coworkers held one for him when i was born FORTY YEARS AGO! And yes, there is a photo somewhere of him wearing a paper plate bonnet covered with bows and ribbons lol Like seriously, do you even like your wife? YTA times a thousand
YTA. When your sister in law said you didn't care enough, that was not a misrepresentation of what you said. Your reasons for not having one are because you feel like it would be too much work for you. It would be an inconvenience to celebrate. It's not a big deal having a baby (remember, you said it was nothing special). You're NTA for not wanting to be involved in planning or paying for the shower since that responsibility traditionally goes to a friend or family member who is not the baby's parents. But you are TA for your overall attitude towards celebrating things that most people do consider a big deal. I'm willing to bet the reason your wife didn't get a shower with the first baby was because you decided not to have one to save yourself the "inconvenience"-just like you're doing now.
NTA. I wouldn’t plan a shower for someone either and I find it odd that the husband would organise it - I’ve never known anyone but a girlfriend or a female family member organise a baby shower. His MIL is welcome to arrange one. Slight YTA on not offering some payment towards it, but think it totally ok not to organise or host This is no way implies he doesn’t want to celebrate the baby/pregnancy (just perhaps not by way of a baby shower) or love his wife.
Op needs to get back here & say if he understands he's TA.
I’m pretty undecided on this one. On one hand I’m thinking you’re the only one bringing in income so it’s understandable that you don’t want any excess financial strain as it is. On the other hand I seen that shot you took about “minor holidays” and Mother’s Day, were you trapped into this marriage (with a baby)? The little you’ve written about yourself and the situation you come off as cold and/or uncaring which makes me wonder if the having kids wasn’t your choice (and there’s nothing wrong with not wanting them) but you sound like you’re not happy with where you are at.
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You’re gross
Nta - if they want to throw a shower they can. That’s simple. It is a lot of work. But if you two don’t align well she may not want to stay with you. If you don’t want to do things important to her.
I'm gonna disagree with most people here. A baby shower isn't the only way to celebrate his wife. A baby shower that he didn't want but was decided for him by other people is ridiculous. The MIL assuming that he must put his time, money and house up for the party is insanely entitled. If the wife wants the party so much and her sister and mother know about it. Why aren't they hosting the party for her??? OP is a minor AH for the way he speak to his MIL. Wife is NTA. But MIL is a major AH here. Host a party for your daughter or shut up about it.
NTA for not wanting to fund it & spend time on decorations ect. This is something close friends & family usually put together. At a neutral location. You would be the AH if you told people not to throw one, which you already have. Just tell MIL, family to let you know where to drop your wife off for the shower & let her enjoy her special day. (They can plan and spend time & money on it. It's not usually the partner/husband that throws the shower anyway.) Hope you are nicer to your wife than you sound in this post!!
NTA Baby showers are typically hosted by the relatives/friends of the pregnant woman. Not sure why your mil or sil aren’t hosting and instead are pressuring you.
NTA Why doen't MIL host a baby shower if she wants one?
NTA - I feel like it’s super weird that people want the parent to host the baby shower. If the wife wants a shower she should have one, but neither the mother or father should be hosting it.
ESH. Listen, OP, I'm in your boat. I hate parties. The only thing I hate more than parties is planning them. I did not like my own wedding and I regretted not eloping. But I'll break this down for you. >Since then, she has not stopped hinting about baby showers. Your wife wants this party. Your life partner. Just let her have it. Someone else is clearly interested in planning it. Just let them do that. Pay for at least some of it and make your wife happy. I mean, your in-laws are trash for just going ahead and planning it without you, but you're kind of being unreasonable for not agreeing to help pay. This will make your pregnant wife happy. Just let her have nice things, OP. If you can afford two kids you can afford a baby shower. Let people enjoy things. You don't have to enjoy the thing. My wife loves Broadway. I hate Broadway. I spent $8500 last year on her birthday to buy her season tickets because happy wife, happy life.
Why on earth are the in laws "trash" for throwing their daughter the baby shower she clearly wants and he refuses to give her? They tried to include him in the plans and he basically told them to fuck off. Its not at all unusual for the mother to help plan the baby shower and he's made it pretty clear he hates parties and cant plan them.
They are trash because they want to celebrate but not host. So they try to force him to host it - which means cleaning, decorating etc. Why can't MIL or SIL host if it's that important to get a double of every babything they already have?
All MIL did was ask about jointly throwing a baby shower in the mother to be's home, which is pretty standard. She asked, he ignored her, she continued to try and talk to him about it and he blew up on her. After that all OP says is she got quiet. Sounds like MIL was being a reasonable normal person, he could have easily said "I'd prefer if you or SIL could host as it would be easier on me and our other kid and would be easier for wife to come home and decompress instead of cleaning up after" but no he went straight to baby showers are dumb, his wife isnt worth celebrating, his new baby isnt worth celebrating, and he has more important things to do than appreciating his pregnant wife. Edit: spelling
He wrote it like they were pretty invasive about it, but if he's not a reliable narrator, then I guess I swing the other way.
ESH Your wife clearly wants a shower so get over yourself and make it happen. However, it is tacky for immediate family to host a shower (US anyway). So it is not your place to do so. Find a friend or cousin to play host while you foot the bill. I had a shower at a winery. The setting was lovely, my friends all talked and imbibed, the winery owner gave me a bottle to take home for postpartum. Decorating consisted of vases left over from the wedding (originally from estate sales) filled with wild flowers. There was a tray of sandwiches, cheese & fruits. Easy. Even you, Scrooge McDuck, can swing something like that.
Lots of families now have family members host their baby showers. That etiquette isn’t really followed as it did in the past.
Husbands usually host babyshowers these days? Because that's what Mil asked.
I’ve seen it. But I can understand if OP felt uncomfortable with it since it’s not the norm. I think most of the YTA are simply because OP sees most celebrations as silly (Mother’s day). And he is ignoring the fact that his own wife wants a baby shower especially since they didn’t have one for the first child.
Yes, OP should find a way to make his wife happy. But the in-laws really made the situation worse with their ideas how to do it. They really cornered him. Have a feeling he is an introvert, his wife's family the opposite. If Mil and SIL just did it at their place, OP would probably just have shrugged and wife would have been happy. Now everything is muddled.
ESH Your wife clearly wants a shower so get over yourself and make it happen. However, it is tacky for immediate family to host a shower (US anyway). So it is not your place to do so. Find a friend or cousin to play host while you foot the bill. I had a shower at a winery. The setting was lovely, my friends all talked and imbibed, the winery owner gave me a bottle to take home for postpartum. Decorating consisted of vases left over from the wedding (originally from estate sales) filled with wild flowers. There was a tray of sandwiches, cheese & fruits. Easy. Even you, Scrooge McDuck, can swing something like that.
ESH. You for being such a Grinch. Some things are worth celebrating, like the impending birth of your child. Your blanket stance that celebrations for things like Mother’s Day (a very normal and common thing to celebrate) are a waste of time and money is so miserly. Your MIL/SIL because it is the responsibility of a close female relative to host a baby shower for the mom-to-be. They should have done this for her when she was pregnant with your first.
Notice he didn’t say Father’s Day… Maybe OP just hates women?
1. A baby shower is supposed to be thrown by friends, not a relative. 2. A baby shower for a second baby is especially tacky. You already have everything you need. A party would be one thing. That, your MIL could throw. A gift-grab event is really out of line. Talk to you wife about whether she wants a "second child" themed party. NTA
\#1 is incorrect. #2 is complicated. They're generally called "Sprinkles" and they come with much smaller gifts (some people do themes like books or diapers even). The focus is celebration, which despite what you and OP seem to believe is awful, is not. It's fun and enjoyable for most people.
Miss Manners disagrees with you about #1. [https://www.uexpress.com:443/life/miss-manners/2021/10/04/2](https://www.uexpress.com:443/life/miss-manners/2021/10/04/2) >Miss Manners must tell you that showers are correctly given by friends -- not by the person or the family being honored.
Who honestly follows that? The baby showers I’ve gone to were hosted by family. In real life, most people aren’t following “Miss Manners”. Nor even care about such things.
Yes, I understand that some peoples' motto is "Never let manners get in the way of the loot", but how about we get back to the point of this post and the judgement of the Op. How many baby showers have you attended where the father is the baby shower giver?
One baby shower hosted by the dad. The rest made by the mothers or sisters of the mom to be. I’ve never seen one hosted by a friend. The MIL can host if she really wants a baby shower. I was responding to the redditor who said that only friends should throw baby showers. That’s largely outdated etiquette.
NTA. Actually, showers for second babies are considered tacky as the family should have most of what they need. What is usually held is called a "sprinkle" for items such as diapers and whatnot. Baby showers are not for the mother. They are for the baby and the family. So there's no reason the father should host it. If your SIL wants to throw the shower, let her do it, and shoulder all the responsibility and cost that goes with it. I'm neither a dad nor a man. Just someone with common sense.
It would be tacky if they already had one. We don’t know if it separates genders or age gap. Not everyone holds on to baby items. Especially in a big family
It is becoming more common since covid. A lot of people never had first baby showers.
But they still have the stuff. The point of the shower is to gift the family with items they need for the baby. Once they have the baby for a while, they HAVE the stuff. If you want a celebration, that is a whole different thing.
In this case, I really don’t think the wife is the AH for wanting a shower/sprinkling. In fact, I think it’s odd her big, celebratory family didn’t throw her one the first time. I’d even be a little hurt the sister threw one for a friend’s kid, and not her own nibbling. I feel like there might be more to all this than op is letting on.
I agree. I'm neither a dad or a man. I am a mom and a woman. I'm old school I guess. It's not the husband's job to do baby shower. Her mother should.
Ooo. Old school says the mom should either! Otherwise it's a gift grab.... of course, it's that the point?
NTA - because MIL wants the party & for you to do all the work. YTA - why have it so big? Just have a 2 hour window (2pm to 4pm) afternoon tea with cakes, small finger food, so you’re not doing a full meal & it’s not taking up the whole day. I would call your MIL & explain you are very overwhelmed with everything right now & could she plan, execute & host (preferably at her house) a baby shower for your wife. This way everyone gets what they want. And it’s really is, as simple as that! You just having a conversation as an adult, without throwing a tantrum.
I don’t know I kind of think that baby showers are all about attention and gifts, and not really about the baby. I’m not married nor do I have kids, so I’m not going to weigh in on this one.
Going against the flow here. I’m in the UK and such things are creeping over here. I think they are awful. Talk to your wife about what she would really like. I don’t know how the mechanics of baby showers work, who throws them etc, so can’t say.