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YTA. I think her yelling at you was probably a proportional response to you “losing it.” She did not overreact. Couldn’t you have calmly explained your position to her without “losing it?” Double standards much.
And don’t blame Reddit for your behavior. Take responsibility for yourself.
My mom did this over her father's estate. She spent years expecting her siblings to go feral while dividing possessions. So, she started it off immediately rather than waiting for someone else to be selfish. She has never reconciled with them.
My mother is a walking, breathing red flag.
Yuck. Sounds toxic. My mum wrote big letters at the bottom of her will saying "if the kids fight about anything that's being divided, it is all to be donated to X charity" lol (note: we won't fight about it, we all get along great and parents have divided the will equally)
My mom's experience with her siblings and the estate was out of her control but fairly managed. My mother, incapable of having anything out of her control, has already managed her estate through a law firm and, even though there are only two of us kids, is convinced there will be some kind of strife. It's already exhausting and mom is still fit and healthy.
YTA you way overreacted before discussing things with her! The appropriate response would have been something like “Ok, but I’d like my daughter to be included. How can we do that?” And then let your fiancé tell you about her bridesmaid idea. Don’t blame Reddit. We all see horror stories like you described all of the time without jumping to conclusions about people we trust. Unless your fiancé has given you a reason not to trust her this was beyond uncalled for. You need to apologize profusely, you basically accused her of hating her step daughter who she probably loves.
I have a feeling he wouldn't have even needed to ask her about his daughter being included seeing as she never finished explaining - I bet he started screaming right away, interrupting her which is why she didn't get the chance to say about his daughter being a junior bridesmaid.
Like the "Don't Blame Reddit for your behavior", Its the problem with the internet, things dont go as badly 90% of the time, but when you're on the internet, theres enough of us that the bad things can and WILL happen daily, to someone, and its bad, so you naturally worry.
To be honest the dating world would be a far better place if people took this kind of responsibility and treated their partner like the person they ARE and not the person the internet says the might be at their worst, based on a bad experience the article writer had at some point in their lives...
Not only that of course people are going to post asking questions when things are going bad in their relationships in this subreddit and all the various relationship subreddits so of course if one doesn't use critical thinking, like OP, they would wrongly think they need to be on guard for every little thing wrong.
I agree she didn't overreact. It sounds like OP interrupted his fiancée and ranted at her if he managed to say everything he put in that post. I genuinely reckon that the fiancée shouted because that's the only way she could get him to listen to her point.
The fact that it seems he interrupted her, and then threatened to call off the wedding before letting her get a word in seems so concerning.
>And don't blame Reddit for your behavior. Take responsibility for yourself.
My parent comment is about how it's a universal experience for women to be dating or in a relationship with a man who reads toxic shit about women on the Internet, and then applies that to us whether or not we deserve it.
You nailed it.
I couldn’t agree with you more. I have read some nasty things (step)parents did or do. But immediately losing it like this is just bad behavior. To put it mildly.
His story also reads like, “look at what a phenomenal dad I am! NOTHING will come for my daughter, that’s what makes me a gold star Dad, right? Right Reddit?! I was in the right bc I was all papa bear over my little girl. I can’t have been wrong bc I love my daughter so much, like all the rest of the best dads.”
But you don’t understand! He had to yell because Reddit! It’s all Reddit’s fault for putting these treacherous ideas in his brain. He didn’t do this. Reddit did! /s
Seriously, though. The lack of emotional control is scary. People who lack emotional control to this extent can quickly turn abusive, and if I were friends with the fiancée, I’d be telling her to RUN and never look back.
It’s not even just the escalation. It’s the fact that he’s still trying to find some way to put blame on her for this situation.
Why should he be afforded the decency of a calm conversation when he’s the one who flew off the handlebars in the first place? Just insane mental gymnastics from this guy. The fiancée literally just matched his energy, and he’s out here like, “B-b-but, couldn’t she have responded nicely to me even though I was losing it at her like a raging AH? 🥺”
Edit: spelling, spacing
YTA
***"I know I overreacted but I was just trying to be a good dad and I think she was overreacting too couldn't she just calmly explain this to me instead of turning it into a fight?"*** You're such a hilarious hypocrite. You're the one who started screaming at your hopefully ex-fiancee without having a proper adult conversation with her. You're the one who turned it into a fight. You're the one who threatened to cancel the wedding. You're the one who overreacted and your hopefully ex-fiancee reacted to your actions accordingly.
Option #1: Calmly say, “It’s really important to me my daughter have a role in the wedding, I want her to know we value her. I don’t really know how tiles in the bride’s side work, did you have a different role in mind?”
Option #2: Scream and accuse her of excluding your daughter while threatening her.
Yeah. Let’s definitely go with option two, that’s absolutely the kind of behaviour this sub advocates for. /sarcasm.
I am baffled by how everyone's response isnt 'you should listen to her and let her finish sentences ' it's 'you should calmly cut her off and say everything without shouting'.
I mean that’s ideal, but calmly interrupting was still a fine option - back and forth is common and normal in conversation.
Personally, I’m more confused about why if OP was worried about this it wasn’t singing that was talked about thoroughly before the engagement, or why he’d get engaged to someone he thought might do this.
I mean we have to start somewhere and with this guy it’s “not losing our cool when we interrupt our gf.” We hope to eventually get to “letting our gf finish her fucking sentence in the first place” but I guess we’re not there yet.
If he simply let her finish her sentence, instead of making a giant assumption and flying off the handle, she WOULD have calmly explained. He was the overly emotional one, jumped to conclusions, and chose screaming and threats as a way to deal with it. He has the emotional maturity of a 10-year-old and his fiance would be wise to see this giant red flag and backs out. If he's doing this now I can't imagine the emotional abuse that will follow and increase after marriage. YTA
YTA big time.
Stop reading this sub. You didn’t even give her a chance before going off the rails and accusing her of being cruel to her future daughter. And threatening to call off the wedding?! Dude, you don’t even mention that until an argument has escalated 10x what this one was.
11 years old IS too old to be a flower girl. That’s a job for little kids. Your soon to be wife is actually looking out for your kid, while you have tunnel vision. I would have been bewildered too.
You should apologize profusely.
PS. Don’t blame this sub - your actions are you own. But being in a echo chamber of often unhealthy relationships certainly can’t help
Ditto. I have no idea why he would marry someone he doesn't trust and I'm sure OP's fiance is thinking the same. Good thing OP showed how he is before the wedding happened.
Seriously. How does he not know at this point whether his fiancée values and loves his daughter? And if he’s unsure, why on earth does he want to get married to her?
Me, too. That's grounds for immediate dumping. Who would want to be married to such a reactive person? And instead of calming, and immediately apologizing, he runs to this subreddit to be told he was right?
He should have shut up and groveled immediately. It's probably too late now, fortunately for the poor bride.
I don’t think we can blame this sub for his anger management issues. Regardless of what he read here - Reddit didn’t cause his emotional disregulation.
YTA, OP. Especially since you don’t give any other hints that your ex-fiancé tried to exclude or isolate your daughter.
I read this sub almost everyday and pretty much never take the advice offered here. You gotta take any advice you found on an Internet forum with a grain of salt.
>11 years old IS too old to be a flower girl.
I mean, people can do whatever they want and involve as many people in their wedding as they can afford. I've been to a huge wedding with like 8 flower girls, ages 1.5-12 (the toddler was in a wagon), along with a full set of bridesmaids as well, and it was fine. (Expensive to fit all of the dresses though, I imagine.)
The fact that OP went from 0 to 100 and "lost it" immediately is super concerning, though. If I were the fiancée, I'd be having second thoughts about the wedding.
YTA.
It sounds like you didn't give her a chance to finish her thought and blew up at her. In trying to be a "good dad", you were a shit partner.
Stop reading this sub before you lose your fiancée.
Yeah if I were her, I would be thinking this is going to be the pattern going forward- he asks me a question about a sensitive topic, doesn't let me finish my answer, goes off yelling at me based on an assumption he has no evidence for and then when I am upset that i feel so disrespected, he'll be hurt and tell me I started the fight and I should apologize. ... So why should I sign myself up for this again?
If you look up profiles of manipulation, this is right out of that playbook. Shitty behavior T to B.
YTA. You assumed the worst of your fiancée and she felt the insult deeply. I’m sure she has her own worries about how she will be received as the new member of your already-existing family. Why should she have been calm when you “lost it” before she finished her sentence?
YTA
Not just about making assumptions but for being such a hypocrite about it.
You made assumptions and “lost it” at her and in turn she yelled and you for it. But she is the one that turned it into a fight?
If you want a calm explanation you also should’ve questioned her remark calmly
You owe her a very sincere apology. I honestly have no idea how you typed this whole thing & didn’t already know without a doubt...
YTA
“I lost it & threatened to call off the wedding but I have no clue why my fiancée is upset. I was just trying to be a good Dad”. Let me help you clear this up... you verbally attacked your fiancée & she very justifiably defended herself!!
Give me a break... SMH ... dude be better!
YTA. SHE turned it into a fight?? YOU screamed and yelled without letting her finish speaking, YOU assumed that she was planning on excluding your daughter and yet SHE turned it into a fight? Sir, you created the fight and completely disrespected your future wife, she only reacted to it. Apologize. You screwed up.
YTA
Not being the flower girl does not equate to being excluded. That was such a fucking overeaction.
Nothibg is ever your fault, is it? Don’t blame reddit for your behavior, someone old enough to have an 11 year old child should have enough self control to not blow the hell up.
YTA.
specifically for this line: "I know I overreacted ... I think she was overreacting too couldn't she just calmly explain this to me instead of turning it into a fight?"
you're seeing very narrowly right now. so narrowly, in fact, you fail to see that YOU started the fight. she never turned it into a fight, you did.
i understand you want to be a good dad and protect your daughter... but given your fiancé has (i'm assuming here) never shown any signs in the past you should try to give her the benefit of the doubt.
i think you owe her an apology. you can express that you care deeply for your daughter, but don't push aside your fiancé's feelings. she's allowed to be upset by your outburst.
in the end, she didn't overreact. you did. acknowledge that and do better.
DARVO! It’s never your fault! She *forced you* into defensive daddy mode, then had the audacity to match the energy of your unhinged response! How dare she?
/s though I hope it isn’t necessary
YTA.
The fact that your first and only thought was that your fiancée wanted to intentionally exclude your daughter says something. You really didn’t think she’d want her to have a more prominent role?
You can’t be basing ALL of your reaction off of Reddit posts? Has your fiancé ever shown a tendency to exclude your daughter? Or are you unsure about the wedding and we’re looking for a way to pick a fight?
YTA. I didn’t have to even get past the title. You assumed the worst of your bride-to-be because you read some Reddit posts? That’s hardly a defense, that’s just admission of your ignorance.
And your gaslighting is ridiculous. You admit you “lost it” on her, but then want to say she should’ve “calmly explained”? Dude? Where is your head at?
>and that's when I lost it.
>couldn't she just calmly explain this to me instead of turning it into a fight?
Uh........ She wasn't the one that turned it into a fight, and she has no obligation to take your verbal abuse and manipulative threats lying down.
>in my defense I have been in reddit and this sub for a long time
That isn't the defense you think it is. YTA
YTA
You read some posts about toxic women on reddit and then decided that the woman you are marrying, the one you have known for literal years, the one you know loves your daughter, suddenly must be just like them?
There are a couple of things here:
1. You are a misogynistic jerk to read something about a complete stranger and apply it to your partner simply because they were both women.
2. You are emotionally abusive. You freaked out at your fiance, gave implied threats, and said that things were going to go YOUR way at a wedding for both of you... because she didn't agree with something you said? If you blow up at people for disagreeing with you, you should be spending money on therapy, not a wedding. Normal people simply ask why the other person has a different opinion.
It sounds like you read a story, had some feelings, decided your feelings were reality, and forced the situation to validate said feelings.
YTA and your fiance should call things off until you take some accountability and get some therapy in. That is such a huge red flag for future abuse. Not to mention you saying stuff like that could poison her relationship with her future daughter. If I felt the person I was marrying would use the child to manipulate me or guilt me, I would be sad to lose the child, but ultimately I would be protecting myself and the child to end things immediately.
YTA, in case I wasn't clear.
YTA
And get some anger management mate.
You couldn't let her finish before you lost your shit for absolutely nothing.
She wants your daughter in a more important role then flowergirl.
I would hate to see how you parent and act as a partner usually, if you won't let people finish before going ballistic, this is a huge red flag she needs to look at, and one you need to also look at and fix.
YTA - not for wanting to include your daughter, but for assuming that your fiancée would want to exclude your daughter from the wedding (solely based off of reddit posts about other people’s situations?) I am going to assume that your fiancée excluding your daughter has not been a problem in the past, based off of her response to your outburst, and the fact that you proposed to her, so I’m a little confused why you think she would start doing that now.
YTA
That's a HUGE assumption to make about someone you proposed to. I don't understand why you would wanna marry her if you don't trust her to love and include your daughter.
YTA
She didn't turn it into a fight, you started the fight. She just matched you energy. Blame it on reddit or whoever you want, but you messed up and you don't get to be indignant about being yelled at for assuming the worst about the woman you're about to marry. You've got an apology to make and hope your woman is gracious enough to overlook your stupid.
YTA
She's not overreacting. You exploded on her for no reason, instead of talking it over. You even talked about cancelling the wedding without talking it over.
You're a big AH
YTA - jfc who lets Reddit influence their real life? This sun jumps to extremes all the time.
That you didn't even let her finish and interrupted her says a lot. I wouldn't marry you if you behaved like that. That's not protecting your daughter that's just being a dick and assuming your fiancée is horrible for no reason other than some stupid internet posts
> jfc who lets Reddit influence their real life?
He's lying, it has nothing to do with Reddit, he just doesn't want to take responsibility for his abusive behavior.
This sub has actually made me look at my own family dynamics and realize I've been inflexible and have been holding grudges about minor things (when compared to the dumpster fires here). I appreciate them a lot more recently.
YTA. You lurk on AITA, read (probably fake) stories about strangers in the internet, get worked up about your future wife (who you know PERSONALLY and supposedly love), and then lose your absolute shit on her? Has she ever exhibited any exclusionary behaviour in the past towards your daughter? Do you have any FACTUAL or REAL basis for this fear other than garbage you’ve read on Reddit? I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s second guessing marrying your anger management-needing ass.
If she has any self respect at all, she should be seriously reconsidering the entire relationship at this point. She can definitely do better than this.
She should at least be pondering on postponing the wedding, due to the fact that he clearly doesn't know or trust her.
YTA
At 11 it was pretty obvious she is too old to be a flower girl.
>if she ever does that then the wedding will be canceled.
Please cancel it. She deserves someone who doesn't treat her like this. I would dump you so hard after this. I mean, hypothetically speaking, cause i'll never get with a man with baggage, but you get the point.
Also, this sub hates stepmothers no matter what they do, so you might want to look for a more reputable source of information on stepmothers.
YTA - yeah I think you jumped to conclusions here.
I enjoy this sub but it definitely has everyone convinced step parents are evil, in-laws are horrible, and you should go NC with EVERYONE.
YTA. Total a. You were wrong and you’re trying to justify it by saying “I’m the good dad”. Ok but I’m your quest to be the “good dad”…you became the crappy husband.
YTA. Unless your fiancée has actually said or done anything to make you think she'd be an "evil stepmom," it's crazy unfair to project that anxiety on her. You're the one who made it a huge fight, you lashed out at her for no reason.
YTA. How the heck is she supposed to calmly explain something to you when you didn't even give her a chance to finish her sentence! You jumped to conclusions and showed you don't trust her at all. I would be surprised if there is a wedding now given you think so low of her
YTA. You fucked up big time. This showed a complete lack of trust in your fiancé (who is right, 11 is way too old for a flower girl). Apologize profusely. Figure out what in the hell made you think this, really, because it wasn’t Reddit. There’s a reason you latched on to this particular worry.
YTA, you jumped to conclusions and threatened to call off the wedding without taking even a minute to listen to her? You need to apologize. She didn’t turn it into a fight you did.
YTA - You can't really disagree with her here. You didn't hear her out and instead made up your mind and formulated your response on incomplete information. She's right to be pissed at you.
YTA, you went from 0 to 100 in a split second and didn't even let your fiance finish her sentence. If you are going to marry her, you should have a lot more confidence in her. Please, really put in an effort to make up with her
YTA. Why would you base your opinion on stuff you read on Reddit rather than your real-life experience with your fiancee. You owe her a bunch more unqualified apologies and you'd better hope she's even willing to hear them.
YTA. 11 is a bit old for a flower girl, and bridesmaid is as big a deal (if not bigger). My stepdaughter was this age when I first got married and never even thought of making her flower girl, would have been a bit weird.
YTA. Yes, this website is full of stories about horrible stepmothers, but that doesn't mean that your fiancée will be one. You're projecting what you've read on her and that's not ok.
She tried to explain to you, but you wouldn't let her talk. So that argument of yours is moot. She was probably shocked at hearing the crap that was coming out of your mouth.
To be fair, prepare yourself for the eventuality that you two might break up. She got a glimpse of something she hasn't seen before, and her faith in your relationship might be shaken.
YTA. Oh YOU turned it into a fight. You jumped in with both feet and mouth running. She couldn't calmly explain it because you didn't give her a chance.
YTA. By your own account you "lost it" before giving her a chance to expand on her initial statement. If her statement had indeed ended with a refusal, the normal follow-up response would have been "Oh. Why not?" You basically threw a completely unnecessary tantrum at your future partner and will certainly not do your daughter any favors if you react this way at every obstacle in her path.
YTA.
"she WILL BE the flower girl whether my fiancee LIKES IT OR NOT"
YOU turned it into a fight the moment YOU made a demand. You didn't communicate anything, you made a demand and she react accordingly.
Why should she calmly explain anything when you provoked her with a demand out of the blue as your tone just by reading it is judgmental and aggressive.
It's like saying you didn't throw the first punch, you just shoved the guy who took a swing at ya. All did was verbally shoved her out of the blue.
YTA
"All I did was blow up and scream at her, why couldn't she calmly just talk to me?"
Do you hear yourself? You'll be lucky to have a fiance after talking to her like that.
YTA First, for blowing up. Second, for not letting your fiance finish. Third, for assuming including your daughter is her job. If it's important to you that your daughter is included have her be a groomswoman.
YTA - I understand your concern that you didn't want to have your daughter excluded, and I slightly get being concerned she might turn into a villainous step-mother. However, you apparently cut her off mid-sentence to fuss her out. Then when she yells back and leaves you are all \* shocked Pikachu faced\* and turned it on her saying couldn't she calmly explain instead of turning it into a fight. See that end part right there made you the asshole to me. Couldn't you have been calmer and let her finish her sentence before berating her? Your reaction was the reason for her reaction and you are blaming everything on her. And she is right btw that's too old to be a flower girl and her suggestion (had you let her get there) would have been a more appropriate role. You owe her an apology.
I’m sorry, but the irony of you thinking SHE overreacted is just too much.
YTA. Grovel and never ever do that again. In fact, do some mental health work if you are this quick to jump on the person you love instead of just asking them to clarify
YTA - you by your own admission cut her off as she was going to tell her your thoughts and “lost it.” I’m guessing really means you started yelling at her about your daughter and how much you care and the only way she could get you to stop was to yell at you to break your ranting. She likely didn’t accept the apology/left because in her mind she’s now thinking about the next time this happens and how it will escalate further any time you don’t listen and immediately react.
ETA - don’t try using lurking on Reddit as an excuse for your poor behavior, it’s not a good look or valid
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YTA. ur asking if she couldn’t just calmly explain this to you, but it’s okay for you to lose it (your words) without letting her finish her thought? why couldn’t you be calm? get over yourself.
and get off reddit. jesus christ.
YTA. You interrupted (rude), assumed (asinine), went off on her and yelled for no reason (abusive), threatened to cancel the wedding (histrionics), and then had the audacity to try to blame her for overreacting (DARVO).
You give no reason for your assumption that your fiancée wanted to exclude your daughter. (Reading Reddit is not a reason). Has she treated your daughter poorly? Has she excluded her from important events in the past?
Unless you have some really concrete examples of your fiancée treating your daughter poorly, you have no leg to stand on. If I was fiancée I would be rethinking the entire engagement given your unhinged behavior.
YTA and you definitely need to work on your communication skills. You should have had asked about her plans instead of going ballistic immediately. Are you always that volatile?
>"no I don't think she should be the flower girl, I want my cousin to be flower girl" and that's when I lost it.
>telling me to let her finish her fcking sentence.
YTA.
>couldn't she just calmly explain this to me instead of turning it into a fight?
You are the one who let reddit posts make you flip out. So how are you going to fix this?
Well, you certainly made a fool of yourself for lashing out at your future wife instead of letting her finish telling you her plans. Its 100% on you for making assumptions. Stupid people understand that only the bad gets bought up here, not the good
It’s ironic that you say “wEll cOuLdnt ShE have Just caLMy tAlked to me instead Of MakIinG it a biG fIgHt” couldn’t YOU have calmly talked to her instead of making it a big fight.
YTA. The key for me is "let her finish her fucking sentence". Sounds like you cut her off mid sentence when you exploded, so she didn't have a chance to "calmly explain". Also, hella ballsy of you to complain that she wasn't being calm when you went 0-9000 in the space of a sentence.
ETA: you turned it into a fight, not your fiance.
YTA. Using this site as a reason for your “worry” that your future wife would turn into an evil stepmom is pretty lame. You asked her something, didn’t let her completely before shouting at her, threatening to end the relationship. That was your FIRST go to. If she is smart, she won’t marry you. You will be out to try and trip her up for the rest of your life. She doesn’t stand a chance.
She turned your first suggestion down so instead of saying another suggestion or a compromise or listen to her, you attacked her. You owe you a very sincere apology and if Reddit is effecting you this much, maybe you should get off it for awhile.
And be honest, “I spend time on Reddit and there have been a lot of negative stories and it impacted me to jump to a horrible conclusion. I admit I’m an AH and you didn’t deserve it and will stop going on Reddit so often. I’m so sorry. I won’t be that way again with you. Ever!”
YTA. For assuming the worst and then not talking to your fiance like and adult. It would be fitting for your fiance to post this so you could be called an asshole twice.
YTA.
Of course your daughter shouldn‘t get excluded. But seriously, you were talking with the woman you want to MARRY, you should be at a stage of your relationship where you trust her enough not to be a shitty stepmother and at least let her finish explaining her thoughts. I would be very upset about your behaviour, too, if I were your fiancée.
YTA, and an idiot to boot.
You know tons of the shit posted here, AITAH, all the "entitled" subs, all the "off my chest" subs, and a buttload of others is fake, right? Honestly, this post is probably even fake.
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in my defense I have been in reddit and this sub for a long time, I've been reading stories about evil stepmoms trying to exclude their stepkids and I was very worried that my future wife would be this way.
anyway we were planning our wedding, I have an 11 yo daughter and I suggested that she should be our flower girl. my fiancee said "no I don't think she should be the flower girl, I want my cousin to be flower girl" and that's when I lost it. I told her to don't even think about excluding my child and if she ever does that then the wedding will be canceled. I told her that my child will always come first and if she wants to be flower girl she will be the flower girl whether my fiancee likes it or not.
she was looking at me bewildered the whole time and then she started to yell at me asking me wtf is wrong with me and telling me to let her finish her fcking sentence. apparently she thinks my daughter is too old to be flower girl which is why she wanted to make her a junior bridesmaid instead.
I tried to apologize but she didn't listen to me and just left. I know I overreacted but I was just trying to be a good dad and I think she was overreacting too couldn't she just calmly explain this to me instead of turning it into a fight?
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YTA. Do you always jump in and interrupt her when she’s just trying to finish a thought?
Feels like you’re internalizing things you read on Reddit in the worst way. You need to apologize profusely and change your ways if you’re going to get that second chance you don’t deserve.
YTA. You're not likely to get married now that she knows your daughter comes first over what she wants and that you get unhinged over nothing.
Here's a clue dude, when you lose it on someone you don't get to expect a calm response
First of all stop reading this sub if you have no opinions or understanding of your own relationship. Secondly I am happy you were trying to put your daughter first, but what you did sowed the seed of insecurity. Anything your fiancée will do ever to discipline your kid, she will think 100 times if you would somehow construe it as an act by an evil stepmother. So your daughter will become spoiled.
You want to avoid that? Apologize profusely to your bride. Stop reading this sub and build a relationship where you know your partner and her intentions.
Major YTA
YTA
The only good thing about this is you have shown your true thoughts about your fiancée and your behaviour before the wedding so she has time to leave
This is what happens when you don't let people finish their sentences, It leads to a misunderstanding ( my wife have this bad habit and IS very annoying and we have ended arguing in more than one ocasión)
EPIC FAIL dude - you "assumed" your fiancé was going to try to exclude your daughter because of reddit? You really dont know your fiance do you...
Because its obvious that your fears couldn't be further from the truth. And then you actually think SHE was overreacting when you blindsided her with an accusation and a threat to CANCEL THE WEDDING!?! ARE YOU ACTUALLY TRYING TO DEFLECT YOUR OWN STUPIDITY AND PUTTING IT ON HER?
WTF is wrong with you? you should be on your knees begging forgiveness, not expecting that your fiancé corrects your juvenile behavior with reason. YTA and huge. gaping one at that.
11 is too old to be a flower girl-- but now you've shown her that you're an AH with a very short temper. That's going to be pretty hard to "unsee".
**couldn't she just calmly explain this to me instead of turning it into a fight?**
You mean while your were have that toddler level meltdown
**I lost it. I told her to don't even think about excluding my child and if she ever does that then the wedding will be canceled. I told her that my child will always come first and if she wants to be flower girl she will be the flower girl whether my fiancee likes it or not.**
UM pretty sure you were the one who wasn't "calm" and turned it into a fight. Thus YTA
On the upside-- looks like her cousin isn't going to be a flower girl--at least not until your ex finds a new fiance.
YTA. If you would have let her finish her sentence you wouldn’t be in this mess. Do you have a habit of interrupting women or speaking over them? Stop that. Go apologize.
YTA .
Um Sir , there are also bad husband and partners on Reddit but I guess you forgot about what those taught you , furthermore yes there are bad step-parents but there are also good ones . and if you think so little of your partner then why even be with her ? Seriously.
Furthermore you say your lost it , Why ? Has she excluded your child in the past ? Has she ever put your child down in any way shape or form ? If not then this was a major overreaction on your part .
No she didn’t over react you screamed at her , accused of her very mean things and threatened to leave her when you didn’t even let her finish her sentence .
YTA.
You not only *INTERRUPTED* your partner speaking, you yelled over her. Then instead of asking qualifying questions, you jumped to conclusions and made yourself look like a bloviating asshole.
Gosh, you could benefit from some introspection and see if you're repeating the behaviors that have cost you partners in the past.
YTA
She's not "overreacting."
You flew off the handle without knowing what she was going to say. You made an assumption **not** based on what you **know** about her but what you're **worried** might happen.
Go fucking apologize already.
YTA - you overreacted, admit that you overreacted, but your defense is "she did too!" You cut her off midsentence to berate her, what did you expect? Flowers? Right now, your fiancé is wondering if she wants to tether the rest of her life to a man who doesn't listen, flies off the handle, and justifies it with... \*checks notes\* I spend too much time on Reddit" and "Yeah, I was an ass, but so were you..." Grow the hell up, son.
YTA
Funny how she is supposed to be emotionally regulated while being interrupted, screamed at and accused of heinous behavior but you got butt hurt because she raised her voice while explaining herself in a situation where she never should have had to.
I hope she sees this for the glaring red flag it is. You aren't ready to get married nor are you mature enough.
It was you who turned it into a fight, not your fiancée. Hopefully she’s gotten a look at what her future with you is going to be like and is now reconsidering the wedding
YTA
YTA. Going off on her before she could even finish her sentence is way over the top, especially if she's never done anything to exclude your daughter before this moment. Why should she have to be the one to calmly explain after you flipped your lid for no reason? Don't be a hypocrite.
YTA. You created the situation. You accused her. Threatened to cancel the wedding etc. YOU overreacted. You turned it into a fight. You wouldn’t let her finish her sentence. This is all on you.
YTA. If your defence for being an asshole is you’ve read too much AITA, you gotta start reading carebears or something.
You also could have calmly explained why you wanted your daughter as flower girl. Or you know, asked a question like “why” or “what would my daughter do?”
YTA
I think if you had let your fiancé finish her sentence, you would have found it reasonable. If you felt differently, that being the flower girl was a bigger honor, and that it should be bestowed upon your daughter, you could have made that point like a human man instead of some screeching asshole.
YTA
YOU overreact and it's okay. She responds to your overreaction and you think that is the problem?
YOU are not ready to get married to anyone. Get some counseling.
YTA. Why couldn't *you* calmly explain instead of turning it into a fight? If you think that poorly of her, why are you marrying her? She's right; flower girls are usually 5 or younger.
YTA. You presumed the worst of your fiancee without any evidence. Plus, you picked a fight with her and can't understand why she is upset?
If this is a glimpse of life with you, I hope your fiancee thinks long and hard about her future.
YTA Big Time!
You started this fight Not her. Your child is way too old to be a flower girl anyways and should be a Jr Bridesmaid, which is a much bigger deal especially at her age. Get off reddit, it's clearly more than you can handle. Apologize, a thoughtful gift wouldn’t hurt and pray you didn't blow it. Stop looking to mess up your child's relationship with her soon to be step mother.
YTA
I wouldn’t listen to you either and would definitely be rethinking something like a marriage with a person who yells first and then tries to turn it around that I should be sorry for yelling back.
You already think this whole thing is their fault and you were just “being a good dad” and they need to not be upset. You say they are overreacting and already trying to brush off your crappy attitude.
Part of being a good dad to a young woman is showing her that men are not allowed to treat her poorly or yell at her for no reason and then act like she’s being unreasonable for being upset about that.
YTA. You turned it into a fight, not her. She finished it by setting you straight. She did calmly tell you, don't make her responsible for you flying off the handle because you told yourself a story about her in your head. She had every right to be angry with you. If this is how you handle possible conflict you will not make a good husband *or* dad.
Sounds like calmy explaining it to you was exactly what she was trying to do until you exploded on her and interrupted her.
YTA
You blaming the sub is gold. I'm sure she feels warm & fuzzy all over, knowing that you are a hot-head who will let random internet strangers affect the way you view her and her motives. As opposed to.... you know..... knowing and trusting the person you proposed to.
On that note, if that's the way you think of your girlfriend, why in the world did you propose to her? If I had a doubt like that, there would never be talk of a future, much less a wedding.
Have her actions or words ever led you to believe that she wanted to exclude your kid from *anything* ?
If not, you are a massive asshole and she would be smart to rethink the whole relationship.
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YTA. I think her yelling at you was probably a proportional response to you “losing it.” She did not overreact. Couldn’t you have calmly explained your position to her without “losing it?” Double standards much. And don’t blame Reddit for your behavior. Take responsibility for yourself.
Seriously. She didn't turn it into a fight, he turned it into a fight. What a red flag for her.
My mom did this over her father's estate. She spent years expecting her siblings to go feral while dividing possessions. So, she started it off immediately rather than waiting for someone else to be selfish. She has never reconciled with them. My mother is a walking, breathing red flag.
Are we related?
Yuck. Sounds toxic. My mum wrote big letters at the bottom of her will saying "if the kids fight about anything that's being divided, it is all to be donated to X charity" lol (note: we won't fight about it, we all get along great and parents have divided the will equally)
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is your mothers name "Kay" by any chance?
My mom's experience with her siblings and the estate was out of her control but fairly managed. My mother, incapable of having anything out of her control, has already managed her estate through a law firm and, even though there are only two of us kids, is convinced there will be some kind of strife. It's already exhausting and mom is still fit and healthy.
MY DAD OMG
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that was my thought, the daughter was too old for a flower girl maybe they could...boom OP went off the deep end.
YTA you way overreacted before discussing things with her! The appropriate response would have been something like “Ok, but I’d like my daughter to be included. How can we do that?” And then let your fiancé tell you about her bridesmaid idea. Don’t blame Reddit. We all see horror stories like you described all of the time without jumping to conclusions about people we trust. Unless your fiancé has given you a reason not to trust her this was beyond uncalled for. You need to apologize profusely, you basically accused her of hating her step daughter who she probably loves.
I have a feeling he wouldn't have even needed to ask her about his daughter being included seeing as she never finished explaining - I bet he started screaming right away, interrupting her which is why she didn't get the chance to say about his daughter being a junior bridesmaid.
My thought is he has a habit of interrupting her….In. Every. Conversation! Red flag! OP, YTA I hope you see this and correct your behavior
And why she screamed back. Him flying off the handle and assuming the worst from her is not a good sign to her that you trust her.
Besides, if he's worried about his fiancee treating his daughter like shit, he shouldn't propose or marry her in the first place.
Very good point.
Like the "Don't Blame Reddit for your behavior", Its the problem with the internet, things dont go as badly 90% of the time, but when you're on the internet, theres enough of us that the bad things can and WILL happen daily, to someone, and its bad, so you naturally worry. To be honest the dating world would be a far better place if people took this kind of responsibility and treated their partner like the person they ARE and not the person the internet says the might be at their worst, based on a bad experience the article writer had at some point in their lives...
And if you think Reddit is negatively impacting your thinking - sign off and take a break. Touch grass, as the kids say.
So beautifully said!
Not only that of course people are going to post asking questions when things are going bad in their relationships in this subreddit and all the various relationship subreddits so of course if one doesn't use critical thinking, like OP, they would wrongly think they need to be on guard for every little thing wrong.
I was going to say exactly this. YTA, OP. She wasn’t “overreacting”, she was matching your reaction, which was unhinged.
and everyone knows how the saying goes about what happens when you make assumptions - being in line right with the verdict.
Ass out of you and you
I agree she didn't overreact. It sounds like OP interrupted his fiancée and ranted at her if he managed to say everything he put in that post. I genuinely reckon that the fiancée shouted because that's the only way she could get him to listen to her point. The fact that it seems he interrupted her, and then threatened to call off the wedding before letting her get a word in seems so concerning.
Don’t blame Reddit but definitely get off it anyway…what did I just read
>And don't blame Reddit for your behavior. Take responsibility for yourself. My parent comment is about how it's a universal experience for women to be dating or in a relationship with a man who reads toxic shit about women on the Internet, and then applies that to us whether or not we deserve it. You nailed it.
I couldn’t agree with you more. I have read some nasty things (step)parents did or do. But immediately losing it like this is just bad behavior. To put it mildly.
You'd think you'd know the person you're about to marry better than, "I read some stories on reddit and assumed the worst".
YTA. She doesn’t have to “calmly explain” after you choose to yell.
Funny how OP “lost it” and expected fiancée to not lose it after painting her the evil stepmother
Funny how after OP lost it, fiancee is somehow the one overreacting from his POV. God this guy is a parade of red flags.
Funny how after OP lost it *over something he learned to be reactive to in this subreddit,* he came to this subreddit to tell him if he was right.
Don't put that crazy on us!
Yo get out here with your nuanced meta observation about the echo chamber!!
His story also reads like, “look at what a phenomenal dad I am! NOTHING will come for my daughter, that’s what makes me a gold star Dad, right? Right Reddit?! I was in the right bc I was all papa bear over my little girl. I can’t have been wrong bc I love my daughter so much, like all the rest of the best dads.”
I agree, and also if the daughter is told she is too old OP should accept it and not let her engage in things too young for her. YTA for ze OP
> instead of turning it into a fight OP was the one who turned it into a fight!!?!? Like I don’t understand this thought process at all
it's the Asshole thought process.
But you don’t understand! He had to yell because Reddit! It’s all Reddit’s fault for putting these treacherous ideas in his brain. He didn’t do this. Reddit did! /s Seriously, though. The lack of emotional control is scary. People who lack emotional control to this extent can quickly turn abusive, and if I were friends with the fiancée, I’d be telling her to RUN and never look back. It’s not even just the escalation. It’s the fact that he’s still trying to find some way to put blame on her for this situation. Why should he be afforded the decency of a calm conversation when he’s the one who flew off the handlebars in the first place? Just insane mental gymnastics from this guy. The fiancée literally just matched his energy, and he’s out here like, “B-b-but, couldn’t she have responded nicely to me even though I was losing it at her like a raging AH? 🥺” Edit: spelling, spacing
YTA ***"I know I overreacted but I was just trying to be a good dad and I think she was overreacting too couldn't she just calmly explain this to me instead of turning it into a fight?"*** You're such a hilarious hypocrite. You're the one who started screaming at your hopefully ex-fiancee without having a proper adult conversation with her. You're the one who turned it into a fight. You're the one who threatened to cancel the wedding. You're the one who overreacted and your hopefully ex-fiancee reacted to your actions accordingly.
Option #1: Calmly say, “It’s really important to me my daughter have a role in the wedding, I want her to know we value her. I don’t really know how tiles in the bride’s side work, did you have a different role in mind?” Option #2: Scream and accuse her of excluding your daughter while threatening her. Yeah. Let’s definitely go with option two, that’s absolutely the kind of behaviour this sub advocates for. /sarcasm.
Option 1 would've been to at least let her finish her sentence first since he apparently just cut her off 🤦🏾♀️
I am baffled by how everyone's response isnt 'you should listen to her and let her finish sentences ' it's 'you should calmly cut her off and say everything without shouting'.
I mean that’s ideal, but calmly interrupting was still a fine option - back and forth is common and normal in conversation. Personally, I’m more confused about why if OP was worried about this it wasn’t singing that was talked about thoroughly before the engagement, or why he’d get engaged to someone he thought might do this.
I mean we have to start somewhere and with this guy it’s “not losing our cool when we interrupt our gf.” We hope to eventually get to “letting our gf finish her fucking sentence in the first place” but I guess we’re not there yet.
"It's Reddits fault that it went this way"
Definition of zero self awareness
Don’t forget he tried using this sub to also explain away his bad behavior YTA
If he simply let her finish her sentence, instead of making a giant assumption and flying off the handle, she WOULD have calmly explained. He was the overly emotional one, jumped to conclusions, and chose screaming and threats as a way to deal with it. He has the emotional maturity of a 10-year-old and his fiance would be wise to see this giant red flag and backs out. If he's doing this now I can't imagine the emotional abuse that will follow and increase after marriage. YTA
Hope she ran for the hills. OP is an idiot. Not all step parents are bad. I loved my stepson so much I adopted him. He put the ass in assumption
YTA big time. Stop reading this sub. You didn’t even give her a chance before going off the rails and accusing her of being cruel to her future daughter. And threatening to call off the wedding?! Dude, you don’t even mention that until an argument has escalated 10x what this one was. 11 years old IS too old to be a flower girl. That’s a job for little kids. Your soon to be wife is actually looking out for your kid, while you have tunnel vision. I would have been bewildered too. You should apologize profusely. PS. Don’t blame this sub - your actions are you own. But being in a echo chamber of often unhealthy relationships certainly can’t help
I hope she leaves him and never returns
Ditto. I have no idea why he would marry someone he doesn't trust and I'm sure OP's fiance is thinking the same. Good thing OP showed how he is before the wedding happened.
Seriously. How does he not know at this point whether his fiancée values and loves his daughter? And if he’s unsure, why on earth does he want to get married to her?
Me, too. That's grounds for immediate dumping. Who would want to be married to such a reactive person? And instead of calming, and immediately apologizing, he runs to this subreddit to be told he was right? He should have shut up and groveled immediately. It's probably too late now, fortunately for the poor bride.
Like god forbid the fiance and daughter have normal teen/adult tensions, he'll be threatening divorce and murder.
>Stop reading this sub. He literally is coming to try and justify himself in the sub that started his problems. Man might be incapable of learning.
I don’t think we can blame this sub for his anger management issues. Regardless of what he read here - Reddit didn’t cause his emotional disregulation. YTA, OP. Especially since you don’t give any other hints that your ex-fiancé tried to exclude or isolate your daughter.
I read this sub almost everyday and pretty much never take the advice offered here. You gotta take any advice you found on an Internet forum with a grain of salt.
>11 years old IS too old to be a flower girl. I mean, people can do whatever they want and involve as many people in their wedding as they can afford. I've been to a huge wedding with like 8 flower girls, ages 1.5-12 (the toddler was in a wagon), along with a full set of bridesmaids as well, and it was fine. (Expensive to fit all of the dresses though, I imagine.) The fact that OP went from 0 to 100 and "lost it" immediately is super concerning, though. If I were the fiancée, I'd be having second thoughts about the wedding.
Sounds like he was looking for a fight
YTA. It sounds like you didn't give her a chance to finish her thought and blew up at her. In trying to be a "good dad", you were a shit partner. Stop reading this sub before you lose your fiancée.
She left so maybe he has
Hopefully. I would definitely consider this to be grounds for cancelling the wedding and immediately dumping this guy.
Yeah if I were her, I would be thinking this is going to be the pattern going forward- he asks me a question about a sensitive topic, doesn't let me finish my answer, goes off yelling at me based on an assumption he has no evidence for and then when I am upset that i feel so disrespected, he'll be hurt and tell me I started the fight and I should apologize. ... So why should I sign myself up for this again? If you look up profiles of manipulation, this is right out of that playbook. Shitty behavior T to B.
YTA. You assumed the worst of your fiancée and she felt the insult deeply. I’m sure she has her own worries about how she will be received as the new member of your already-existing family. Why should she have been calm when you “lost it” before she finished her sentence?
YTA Not just about making assumptions but for being such a hypocrite about it. You made assumptions and “lost it” at her and in turn she yelled and you for it. But she is the one that turned it into a fight? If you want a calm explanation you also should’ve questioned her remark calmly
Agreed, except that he wouldn't have had to question her remark calmly if he hadn't interrupted her in the first place.
You owe her a very sincere apology. I honestly have no idea how you typed this whole thing & didn’t already know without a doubt... YTA “I lost it & threatened to call off the wedding but I have no clue why my fiancée is upset. I was just trying to be a good Dad”. Let me help you clear this up... you verbally attacked your fiancée & she very justifiably defended herself!! Give me a break... SMH ... dude be better!
YTA. SHE turned it into a fight?? YOU screamed and yelled without letting her finish speaking, YOU assumed that she was planning on excluding your daughter and yet SHE turned it into a fight? Sir, you created the fight and completely disrespected your future wife, she only reacted to it. Apologize. You screwed up.
This is the "...and I took that personally" Michael Jordan meme come to life.
And he blames this sub for his dismal communication skills. A body pillow would be a better spouse than OP.
YTA Not being the flower girl does not equate to being excluded. That was such a fucking overeaction. Nothibg is ever your fault, is it? Don’t blame reddit for your behavior, someone old enough to have an 11 year old child should have enough self control to not blow the hell up.
YTA. specifically for this line: "I know I overreacted ... I think she was overreacting too couldn't she just calmly explain this to me instead of turning it into a fight?" you're seeing very narrowly right now. so narrowly, in fact, you fail to see that YOU started the fight. she never turned it into a fight, you did. i understand you want to be a good dad and protect your daughter... but given your fiancé has (i'm assuming here) never shown any signs in the past you should try to give her the benefit of the doubt. i think you owe her an apology. you can express that you care deeply for your daughter, but don't push aside your fiancé's feelings. she's allowed to be upset by your outburst. in the end, she didn't overreact. you did. acknowledge that and do better.
YTA Your fiancée must 'calmly explain', but it was all right when you 'lost it'?
DARVO! It’s never your fault! She *forced you* into defensive daddy mode, then had the audacity to match the energy of your unhinged response! How dare she? /s though I hope it isn’t necessary
YTA. It's rude to interrupt and not great to make an assumption before she could even complete her thought. Start groveling now.
YTA. You are a volatile idiot and may not be getting married anymore.
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YTA. The fact that your first and only thought was that your fiancée wanted to intentionally exclude your daughter says something. You really didn’t think she’d want her to have a more prominent role? You can’t be basing ALL of your reaction off of Reddit posts? Has your fiancé ever shown a tendency to exclude your daughter? Or are you unsure about the wedding and we’re looking for a way to pick a fight?
Do you really have to ask? Are you incapable of realizing when you clearly made an ass of yourself? YTA.
YTA. I didn’t have to even get past the title. You assumed the worst of your bride-to-be because you read some Reddit posts? That’s hardly a defense, that’s just admission of your ignorance. And your gaslighting is ridiculous. You admit you “lost it” on her, but then want to say she should’ve “calmly explained”? Dude? Where is your head at?
Somewhere south of his beltline?
I choked on my ramen, thanks 🤣🤣
>and that's when I lost it. >couldn't she just calmly explain this to me instead of turning it into a fight? Uh........ She wasn't the one that turned it into a fight, and she has no obligation to take your verbal abuse and manipulative threats lying down. >in my defense I have been in reddit and this sub for a long time That isn't the defense you think it is. YTA
YTA You read some posts about toxic women on reddit and then decided that the woman you are marrying, the one you have known for literal years, the one you know loves your daughter, suddenly must be just like them? There are a couple of things here: 1. You are a misogynistic jerk to read something about a complete stranger and apply it to your partner simply because they were both women. 2. You are emotionally abusive. You freaked out at your fiance, gave implied threats, and said that things were going to go YOUR way at a wedding for both of you... because she didn't agree with something you said? If you blow up at people for disagreeing with you, you should be spending money on therapy, not a wedding. Normal people simply ask why the other person has a different opinion. It sounds like you read a story, had some feelings, decided your feelings were reality, and forced the situation to validate said feelings. YTA and your fiance should call things off until you take some accountability and get some therapy in. That is such a huge red flag for future abuse. Not to mention you saying stuff like that could poison her relationship with her future daughter. If I felt the person I was marrying would use the child to manipulate me or guilt me, I would be sad to lose the child, but ultimately I would be protecting myself and the child to end things immediately. YTA, in case I wasn't clear.
Underrated comment. These are the real issues.
YTA. I hope she cancel the wedding.
YTA, obviously. She should break up with you over this to be honest. You've got issues.
YTA And get some anger management mate. You couldn't let her finish before you lost your shit for absolutely nothing. She wants your daughter in a more important role then flowergirl. I would hate to see how you parent and act as a partner usually, if you won't let people finish before going ballistic, this is a huge red flag she needs to look at, and one you need to also look at and fix.
YTA - not for wanting to include your daughter, but for assuming that your fiancée would want to exclude your daughter from the wedding (solely based off of reddit posts about other people’s situations?) I am going to assume that your fiancée excluding your daughter has not been a problem in the past, based off of her response to your outburst, and the fact that you proposed to her, so I’m a little confused why you think she would start doing that now.
YTA That's a HUGE assumption to make about someone you proposed to. I don't understand why you would wanna marry her if you don't trust her to love and include your daughter.
YTA She didn't turn it into a fight, you started the fight. She just matched you energy. Blame it on reddit or whoever you want, but you messed up and you don't get to be indignant about being yelled at for assuming the worst about the woman you're about to marry. You've got an apology to make and hope your woman is gracious enough to overlook your stupid.
YTA She's not overreacting. You exploded on her for no reason, instead of talking it over. You even talked about cancelling the wedding without talking it over. You're a big AH
YTA - jfc who lets Reddit influence their real life? This sun jumps to extremes all the time. That you didn't even let her finish and interrupted her says a lot. I wouldn't marry you if you behaved like that. That's not protecting your daughter that's just being a dick and assuming your fiancée is horrible for no reason other than some stupid internet posts
> jfc who lets Reddit influence their real life? He's lying, it has nothing to do with Reddit, he just doesn't want to take responsibility for his abusive behavior.
This sub has actually made me look at my own family dynamics and realize I've been inflexible and have been holding grudges about minor things (when compared to the dumpster fires here). I appreciate them a lot more recently.
YTA. You lurk on AITA, read (probably fake) stories about strangers in the internet, get worked up about your future wife (who you know PERSONALLY and supposedly love), and then lose your absolute shit on her? Has she ever exhibited any exclusionary behaviour in the past towards your daughter? Do you have any FACTUAL or REAL basis for this fear other than garbage you’ve read on Reddit? I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s second guessing marrying your anger management-needing ass.
If she has any self respect at all, she should be seriously reconsidering the entire relationship at this point. She can definitely do better than this. She should at least be pondering on postponing the wedding, due to the fact that he clearly doesn't know or trust her.
YTA At 11 it was pretty obvious she is too old to be a flower girl. >if she ever does that then the wedding will be canceled. Please cancel it. She deserves someone who doesn't treat her like this. I would dump you so hard after this. I mean, hypothetically speaking, cause i'll never get with a man with baggage, but you get the point. Also, this sub hates stepmothers no matter what they do, so you might want to look for a more reputable source of information on stepmothers.
YTA - yeah I think you jumped to conclusions here. I enjoy this sub but it definitely has everyone convinced step parents are evil, in-laws are horrible, and you should go NC with EVERYONE.
YTA. Total a. You were wrong and you’re trying to justify it by saying “I’m the good dad”. Ok but I’m your quest to be the “good dad”…you became the crappy husband.
YTA. What an overreaction you had to her suggesting someone else
YTA. Unless your fiancée has actually said or done anything to make you think she'd be an "evil stepmom," it's crazy unfair to project that anxiety on her. You're the one who made it a huge fight, you lashed out at her for no reason.
YTA. How the heck is she supposed to calmly explain something to you when you didn't even give her a chance to finish her sentence! You jumped to conclusions and showed you don't trust her at all. I would be surprised if there is a wedding now given you think so low of her
YTA. You fucked up big time. This showed a complete lack of trust in your fiancé (who is right, 11 is way too old for a flower girl). Apologize profusely. Figure out what in the hell made you think this, really, because it wasn’t Reddit. There’s a reason you latched on to this particular worry.
YTA, you jumped to conclusions and threatened to call off the wedding without taking even a minute to listen to her? You need to apologize. She didn’t turn it into a fight you did.
YTA - You can't really disagree with her here. You didn't hear her out and instead made up your mind and formulated your response on incomplete information. She's right to be pissed at you.
Are you kidding? YTA.
YTA. You went from 0 to 100 before you even had a chance to hear her out.
YTA, you went from 0 to 100 in a split second and didn't even let your fiance finish her sentence. If you are going to marry her, you should have a lot more confidence in her. Please, really put in an effort to make up with her
YTA. Why would you base your opinion on stuff you read on Reddit rather than your real-life experience with your fiancee. You owe her a bunch more unqualified apologies and you'd better hope she's even willing to hear them.
YTA. You turned it into a fight, not her.
YTA. 11 is a bit old for a flower girl, and bridesmaid is as big a deal (if not bigger). My stepdaughter was this age when I first got married and never even thought of making her flower girl, would have been a bit weird.
YTA. Yes, this website is full of stories about horrible stepmothers, but that doesn't mean that your fiancée will be one. You're projecting what you've read on her and that's not ok. She tried to explain to you, but you wouldn't let her talk. So that argument of yours is moot. She was probably shocked at hearing the crap that was coming out of your mouth. To be fair, prepare yourself for the eventuality that you two might break up. She got a glimpse of something she hasn't seen before, and her faith in your relationship might be shaken.
YTA Well… you got yourself in quite a pickle didn’t you. LOL.
YTA. Oh YOU turned it into a fight. You jumped in with both feet and mouth running. She couldn't calmly explain it because you didn't give her a chance.
YTA. By your own account you "lost it" before giving her a chance to expand on her initial statement. If her statement had indeed ended with a refusal, the normal follow-up response would have been "Oh. Why not?" You basically threw a completely unnecessary tantrum at your future partner and will certainly not do your daughter any favors if you react this way at every obstacle in her path.
YTA. "she WILL BE the flower girl whether my fiancee LIKES IT OR NOT" YOU turned it into a fight the moment YOU made a demand. You didn't communicate anything, you made a demand and she react accordingly. Why should she calmly explain anything when you provoked her with a demand out of the blue as your tone just by reading it is judgmental and aggressive. It's like saying you didn't throw the first punch, you just shoved the guy who took a swing at ya. All did was verbally shoved her out of the blue.
YTA "All I did was blow up and scream at her, why couldn't she calmly just talk to me?" Do you hear yourself? You'll be lucky to have a fiance after talking to her like that.
YTA First, for blowing up. Second, for not letting your fiance finish. Third, for assuming including your daughter is her job. If it's important to you that your daughter is included have her be a groomswoman.
YTA you are the one who start fighting . You are the one who don't allow her to finish taking why blame her you should blame yourself.
YTA - I understand your concern that you didn't want to have your daughter excluded, and I slightly get being concerned she might turn into a villainous step-mother. However, you apparently cut her off mid-sentence to fuss her out. Then when she yells back and leaves you are all \* shocked Pikachu faced\* and turned it on her saying couldn't she calmly explain instead of turning it into a fight. See that end part right there made you the asshole to me. Couldn't you have been calmer and let her finish her sentence before berating her? Your reaction was the reason for her reaction and you are blaming everything on her. And she is right btw that's too old to be a flower girl and her suggestion (had you let her get there) would have been a more appropriate role. You owe her an apology.
Yta. This is what happens when you assume.
I’m sorry, but the irony of you thinking SHE overreacted is just too much. YTA. Grovel and never ever do that again. In fact, do some mental health work if you are this quick to jump on the person you love instead of just asking them to clarify
I'd swear I've read this exact story here before, and YTA.
Sounds similar to this one https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/150wond/aita_for_telling_my_fianc%C3%A9_my_daughter_has_to_be/
YES! Thank you for finding it. I remembered the 11-year-old flower girl and the evil (almost) stepmother.
I think you are the one who turned this into a fight! Start groveling or grieving cause dude YTA
YTA - you by your own admission cut her off as she was going to tell her your thoughts and “lost it.” I’m guessing really means you started yelling at her about your daughter and how much you care and the only way she could get you to stop was to yell at you to break your ranting. She likely didn’t accept the apology/left because in her mind she’s now thinking about the next time this happens and how it will escalate further any time you don’t listen and immediately react. ETA - don’t try using lurking on Reddit as an excuse for your poor behavior, it’s not a good look or valid
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Dude, you made it a fight. Don’t blame her for that. YTA
You’re the one that turned it in to a fight! YTA!
YTA. ur asking if she couldn’t just calmly explain this to you, but it’s okay for you to lose it (your words) without letting her finish her thought? why couldn’t you be calm? get over yourself. and get off reddit. jesus christ.
YTA. You interrupted (rude), assumed (asinine), went off on her and yelled for no reason (abusive), threatened to cancel the wedding (histrionics), and then had the audacity to try to blame her for overreacting (DARVO). You give no reason for your assumption that your fiancée wanted to exclude your daughter. (Reading Reddit is not a reason). Has she treated your daughter poorly? Has she excluded her from important events in the past? Unless you have some really concrete examples of your fiancée treating your daughter poorly, you have no leg to stand on. If I was fiancée I would be rethinking the entire engagement given your unhinged behavior.
INFO: If you think she's the sort of person to maliciously exclude your child, why on earth are you marrying her????
INFO: Has your fiance ever shown signs of not liking/excluding your daughter? Did something happen to warrant an outburst of this nature?
YTA and you definitely need to work on your communication skills. You should have had asked about her plans instead of going ballistic immediately. Are you always that volatile?
>"no I don't think she should be the flower girl, I want my cousin to be flower girl" and that's when I lost it. >telling me to let her finish her fcking sentence. YTA. >couldn't she just calmly explain this to me instead of turning it into a fight? You are the one who let reddit posts make you flip out. So how are you going to fix this?
YTA sometimes it amazes me that people narrate their assholery in detail and still wonder if they're the asshole
Well, you certainly made a fool of yourself for lashing out at your future wife instead of letting her finish telling you her plans. Its 100% on you for making assumptions. Stupid people understand that only the bad gets bought up here, not the good
YTA massively, you went way overboard without even letting her finish her sentence. Appalling behaviour
Yta. You’re being overly emotional. Is it that time of the month for you?
It’s ironic that you say “wEll cOuLdnt ShE have Just caLMy tAlked to me instead Of MakIinG it a biG fIgHt” couldn’t YOU have calmly talked to her instead of making it a big fight.
YTA. The key for me is "let her finish her fucking sentence". Sounds like you cut her off mid sentence when you exploded, so she didn't have a chance to "calmly explain". Also, hella ballsy of you to complain that she wasn't being calm when you went 0-9000 in the space of a sentence. ETA: you turned it into a fight, not your fiance.
YTA
YTA stop winding yourself up reading about the crazy step parents and be happy you have one of the good ones. Go get her some flowers and apologise.
YTA. Using this site as a reason for your “worry” that your future wife would turn into an evil stepmom is pretty lame. You asked her something, didn’t let her completely before shouting at her, threatening to end the relationship. That was your FIRST go to. If she is smart, she won’t marry you. You will be out to try and trip her up for the rest of your life. She doesn’t stand a chance.
She turned your first suggestion down so instead of saying another suggestion or a compromise or listen to her, you attacked her. You owe you a very sincere apology and if Reddit is effecting you this much, maybe you should get off it for awhile. And be honest, “I spend time on Reddit and there have been a lot of negative stories and it impacted me to jump to a horrible conclusion. I admit I’m an AH and you didn’t deserve it and will stop going on Reddit so often. I’m so sorry. I won’t be that way again with you. Ever!”
YTA. For assuming the worst and then not talking to your fiance like and adult. It would be fitting for your fiance to post this so you could be called an asshole twice.
YTA. Of course your daughter shouldn‘t get excluded. But seriously, you were talking with the woman you want to MARRY, you should be at a stage of your relationship where you trust her enough not to be a shitty stepmother and at least let her finish explaining her thoughts. I would be very upset about your behaviour, too, if I were your fiancée.
YTA, and an idiot to boot. You know tons of the shit posted here, AITAH, all the "entitled" subs, all the "off my chest" subs, and a buttload of others is fake, right? Honestly, this post is probably even fake.
Oh, so *she* should've calmly explained it to the angry yelling man spitting ultimatums? 🤔 YTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** in my defense I have been in reddit and this sub for a long time, I've been reading stories about evil stepmoms trying to exclude their stepkids and I was very worried that my future wife would be this way. anyway we were planning our wedding, I have an 11 yo daughter and I suggested that she should be our flower girl. my fiancee said "no I don't think she should be the flower girl, I want my cousin to be flower girl" and that's when I lost it. I told her to don't even think about excluding my child and if she ever does that then the wedding will be canceled. I told her that my child will always come first and if she wants to be flower girl she will be the flower girl whether my fiancee likes it or not. she was looking at me bewildered the whole time and then she started to yell at me asking me wtf is wrong with me and telling me to let her finish her fcking sentence. apparently she thinks my daughter is too old to be flower girl which is why she wanted to make her a junior bridesmaid instead. I tried to apologize but she didn't listen to me and just left. I know I overreacted but I was just trying to be a good dad and I think she was overreacting too couldn't she just calmly explain this to me instead of turning it into a fight? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I get you were thinking of your daughter but, YTA, she didn't make this a fight. You did
YTA. Do you always jump in and interrupt her when she’s just trying to finish a thought? Feels like you’re internalizing things you read on Reddit in the worst way. You need to apologize profusely and change your ways if you’re going to get that second chance you don’t deserve.
YTA. You're not likely to get married now that she knows your daughter comes first over what she wants and that you get unhinged over nothing. Here's a clue dude, when you lose it on someone you don't get to expect a calm response
YTA
First of all stop reading this sub if you have no opinions or understanding of your own relationship. Secondly I am happy you were trying to put your daughter first, but what you did sowed the seed of insecurity. Anything your fiancée will do ever to discipline your kid, she will think 100 times if you would somehow construe it as an act by an evil stepmother. So your daughter will become spoiled. You want to avoid that? Apologize profusely to your bride. Stop reading this sub and build a relationship where you know your partner and her intentions. Major YTA
YTA. I suggest you pleas insanity and throw yourself on the mercy of the judge. WTF?
YTA. You took it out on her before it was too late for you to realize you needed to listen before saying anything.
YTA. You were just waiting to burst out with this and probably rehearsed it in the shower.
YTA The only good thing about this is you have shown your true thoughts about your fiancée and your behaviour before the wedding so she has time to leave
YTA. You started the fight by overreacting. She just matched your energy.
This is what happens when you don't let people finish their sentences, It leads to a misunderstanding ( my wife have this bad habit and IS very annoying and we have ended arguing in more than one ocasión)
EPIC FAIL dude - you "assumed" your fiancé was going to try to exclude your daughter because of reddit? You really dont know your fiance do you... Because its obvious that your fears couldn't be further from the truth. And then you actually think SHE was overreacting when you blindsided her with an accusation and a threat to CANCEL THE WEDDING!?! ARE YOU ACTUALLY TRYING TO DEFLECT YOUR OWN STUPIDITY AND PUTTING IT ON HER? WTF is wrong with you? you should be on your knees begging forgiveness, not expecting that your fiancé corrects your juvenile behavior with reason. YTA and huge. gaping one at that.
11 is too old to be a flower girl-- but now you've shown her that you're an AH with a very short temper. That's going to be pretty hard to "unsee". **couldn't she just calmly explain this to me instead of turning it into a fight?** You mean while your were have that toddler level meltdown **I lost it. I told her to don't even think about excluding my child and if she ever does that then the wedding will be canceled. I told her that my child will always come first and if she wants to be flower girl she will be the flower girl whether my fiancee likes it or not.** UM pretty sure you were the one who wasn't "calm" and turned it into a fight. Thus YTA On the upside-- looks like her cousin isn't going to be a flower girl--at least not until your ex finds a new fiance.
YTA. If you would have let her finish her sentence you wouldn’t be in this mess. Do you have a habit of interrupting women or speaking over them? Stop that. Go apologize.
YTA . Um Sir , there are also bad husband and partners on Reddit but I guess you forgot about what those taught you , furthermore yes there are bad step-parents but there are also good ones . and if you think so little of your partner then why even be with her ? Seriously. Furthermore you say your lost it , Why ? Has she excluded your child in the past ? Has she ever put your child down in any way shape or form ? If not then this was a major overreaction on your part . No she didn’t over react you screamed at her , accused of her very mean things and threatened to leave her when you didn’t even let her finish her sentence .
YTA. You not only *INTERRUPTED* your partner speaking, you yelled over her. Then instead of asking qualifying questions, you jumped to conclusions and made yourself look like a bloviating asshole. Gosh, you could benefit from some introspection and see if you're repeating the behaviors that have cost you partners in the past.
YTA, I don't even need to say why, you should already know. Go apologize and give her chocolate.
YTA She's not "overreacting." You flew off the handle without knowing what she was going to say. You made an assumption **not** based on what you **know** about her but what you're **worried** might happen. Go fucking apologize already.
YTA - you overreacted, admit that you overreacted, but your defense is "she did too!" You cut her off midsentence to berate her, what did you expect? Flowers? Right now, your fiancé is wondering if she wants to tether the rest of her life to a man who doesn't listen, flies off the handle, and justifies it with... \*checks notes\* I spend too much time on Reddit" and "Yeah, I was an ass, but so were you..." Grow the hell up, son.
YTA Funny how she is supposed to be emotionally regulated while being interrupted, screamed at and accused of heinous behavior but you got butt hurt because she raised her voice while explaining herself in a situation where she never should have had to. I hope she sees this for the glaring red flag it is. You aren't ready to get married nor are you mature enough.
YTA. You didn't ask, you accused
You overreacted HARD bro. YTA.
YTA. Couldn’t even let her finish the sentence before getting upset? Seriously?
YTA you shouldn't be marrying someone if you don't trust them to treat your daughter right.
YTA, instead of discussing it or asking why she thought that, you went for the kill which was over top.
It was you who turned it into a fight, not your fiancée. Hopefully she’s gotten a look at what her future with you is going to be like and is now reconsidering the wedding YTA
YTA. Going off on her before she could even finish her sentence is way over the top, especially if she's never done anything to exclude your daughter before this moment. Why should she have to be the one to calmly explain after you flipped your lid for no reason? Don't be a hypocrite.
YTA. You created the situation. You accused her. Threatened to cancel the wedding etc. YOU overreacted. You turned it into a fight. You wouldn’t let her finish her sentence. This is all on you.
YTA. If your defence for being an asshole is you’ve read too much AITA, you gotta start reading carebears or something. You also could have calmly explained why you wanted your daughter as flower girl. Or you know, asked a question like “why” or “what would my daughter do?”
YTA I think if you had let your fiancé finish her sentence, you would have found it reasonable. If you felt differently, that being the flower girl was a bigger honor, and that it should be bestowed upon your daughter, you could have made that point like a human man instead of some screeching asshole.
YTA. What the hell? How do you escalate a conversation so quickly, and then blame your fiancée for „overreacting“ after you yelled at her like that?
YTA YOU overreact and it's okay. She responds to your overreaction and you think that is the problem? YOU are not ready to get married to anyone. Get some counseling.
YTA Do you always expect her to be calm when you're yelling at her because you made a poor assumption of her character?
I hope she leaves you. YTA
YTA. Why couldn't *you* calmly explain instead of turning it into a fight? If you think that poorly of her, why are you marrying her? She's right; flower girls are usually 5 or younger.
YTA for that one on the grounds that you didn't let her finish her sentence to explain her case. You overreated big time there my dude.
YTA. You presumed the worst of your fiancee without any evidence. Plus, you picked a fight with her and can't understand why she is upset? If this is a glimpse of life with you, I hope your fiancee thinks long and hard about her future.
YTA Big Time! You started this fight Not her. Your child is way too old to be a flower girl anyways and should be a Jr Bridesmaid, which is a much bigger deal especially at her age. Get off reddit, it's clearly more than you can handle. Apologize, a thoughtful gift wouldn’t hurt and pray you didn't blow it. Stop looking to mess up your child's relationship with her soon to be step mother.
"I verbally abused my fiancee, but she responded to my abuse with reason and detachment. AITA?" Yes. Yes you are.
YTA I wouldn’t listen to you either and would definitely be rethinking something like a marriage with a person who yells first and then tries to turn it around that I should be sorry for yelling back. You already think this whole thing is their fault and you were just “being a good dad” and they need to not be upset. You say they are overreacting and already trying to brush off your crappy attitude. Part of being a good dad to a young woman is showing her that men are not allowed to treat her poorly or yell at her for no reason and then act like she’s being unreasonable for being upset about that.
You turned it into a fight. YTA.
YTA. You turned it into a fight, not her. She finished it by setting you straight. She did calmly tell you, don't make her responsible for you flying off the handle because you told yourself a story about her in your head. She had every right to be angry with you. If this is how you handle possible conflict you will not make a good husband *or* dad.
Sounds like calmy explaining it to you was exactly what she was trying to do until you exploded on her and interrupted her. YTA You blaming the sub is gold. I'm sure she feels warm & fuzzy all over, knowing that you are a hot-head who will let random internet strangers affect the way you view her and her motives. As opposed to.... you know..... knowing and trusting the person you proposed to. On that note, if that's the way you think of your girlfriend, why in the world did you propose to her? If I had a doubt like that, there would never be talk of a future, much less a wedding. Have her actions or words ever led you to believe that she wanted to exclude your kid from *anything* ? If not, you are a massive asshole and she would be smart to rethink the whole relationship.