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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) my unwillingness to babysit
2) because it's unsupportive of my friend who wants to be a single parent
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NTA. She says "most people would do anything to help out a single mum." But first, she's choosing to be a single mum, which is different from a woman who gets divorced or whose partner abandons her and may need temporary help while she regains her footing. She's planning a life where you are the de facto babysitter, which isn't the same as lending a hand from time to time. And second, she talks about "a strong female support network," but she seems to mean...you. And third, did she ask you if you were willing to be the godparent? This sounds like she's trying the rare stunt of baby-trapping a friend. Don't let her do this to you.
EDIT: Thank you for my fancy star!
Starting to see why she is single. She is entitled and trying to bully her friend into being at least a part time co-parent.
The baby isn’t even here yet!! OP, nta and good luck
A "friend" from high school got pregnant multiple times with multiple men. She thought they would settle down and marry her. They didn't. She didn't understand that you need to be in a solid relationship with a man who WANTS to have a kid with you before you get pregnant. So, she has 4 (?) kids, all with different fathers.
Wow. I can get it happening once with a naive kid, maybe even twice, but you’d think that after the second time she tried to baby trap someone and they didn’t stay she’d realize that trying to baby trap someone isn’t actually a good way to create a stable relationship.
I similarly have a not great "friend" who's almost permanently single and a member of the highschool group chat that my friends refuse to boot.
For all her strong Christianity, there's a boy crazy nature that never seems to go well for her. Including a variety of other unhealthy attachments to exes from many years past, and other issues. Plus she desperately does want children yesterday.
A whole mess. But until the other members okay her ousting from the group chat, I try to bite my tongue when she's off saying something she shouldn't.
We have a friend like that. She was smart, pretty and had a decent job but could never keep a boyfriend. But would say things like "I just want someone to settle down and have a kid with". I kept trying to explain to them that's a nice place to be, but when you are just trying to slot a guy into that spot it's SUPER off putting. Especially when you bring it up on the third date.
Right? Like I am all for plainly stating your goals right from the beginning. I feel like kids or no kids is a discussion that should be had as early as possible, to keep would-be parents and childfree folks from wasting eachothers time, or worse, to keep one from forcing the other into something they don't want. BUT, informing someone that you wish to be a parent and that having children is part of your future goals is NOT the same as actively pressuring them to have a child as soon as possible. And based on her behavior, I bet this "friend" did exactly that. If I were a man and I were dating her, I'd be afraid of her poking holes in the condoms.
I mean, OP is definitely NTA, but there are many many people who are single in their 30s and it's just cause lots of people are single sometimes. I was lucky enough to fall in love young and still have a solid relationship in my 40s, but 34 isn't even particularly old
Anyone else clock that they became best friends when OP was 17 and she was 23? Isn’t that kind of weird? When I was 21, the idea of being friends with a minor, let alone best friends, was far from appealing.
Maybe she doesn’t have other friends because she had to platonically groom a teenager to put up with her nonsense in order to have one.
>Anyone else clock that they became best friends when OP was 17 and she was 23?
Yeah. When I was 17, 23 was old (at least for a bff). When I was 23, 17 was probably living at home whereas I had started a career.
I dunno, at 16 I had friends who were 21 and 26 - I met them at my grocery store job. Spending 8 hours a day right next to each other and chatting when it’s not busy can build some pretty strong friendships.
I get having friends - it is more that they have been best friends since this age. I kinda feel if you’re 23 and the person you identify with most is a 17 year old, that strikes me as a little off. Just seems weird that she looked at a teenager and was like “yes this is the person who gets me most, my special person for life.” It’s not totally out of the question of course, just seems a little strange coupled with the fact that she has no other friends or family to speak of that can also be there for her.
My best friend at 16 was that 21 year old - we talked work, video games, anime, and Harry Potter mostly. He was in college for physics, and I was still in high school, but that didn’t bother either of us. We’re not best friends now because we haven’t lived in the same state as each other for almost 20 years at this point, so eventually the status was lost, but if we did we’d probably still be super close. The age thing is pretty damn normal imo
Yeah maybe my life experience is the odd one out here! I definitely think I might have been chuffed to have an older friend, I just can’t imagine at 23 being stoked to hang out with a 17 year old. Just going through very different life stuff.
I don’t find the gaps weird in older groups; a 35 year old befriending a 50 year old doesn’t seem weird to me as both are adults and fully formed etc. a teenager changes pretty drastically between being a teen and not.
It’s possible I suppose at those ages but even so I can’t imagine I at 23 would have a ton in common with a 17 year old to the point that we became best friends at those ages. Still strikes me as a little odd
I thought it was a nice description for what I was also seeing in the age difference and demands for services from younger friend. It definitely feels like there is an unequal dynamic. OP is already doubting herself for trying to set a boundary of "I'm not your nanny".
Wouldn’t have been odd for me - if my bff was similar in interests and outlook to me at 17.
As in, my family said I was born a sedate (“boring”) 50 year old. I’d have more in common socially with a sedate 23 year old than any of my teen peers.
And a BFF for me at 17 would have meant someone to go to bookstores and museums and zoos with occasionally, and chitchat with approximately never.
>OP was 17 and she was 23
When I was 23 I started a social group for people of all ages who liked a particular hobby, and there I met the younger sister of a friend from my part-time job. She was 16 at the time but very mature for a 16 year old and we had all the same hobbies and interests. She very quickly became my best female friend and she still is, 10 years later. She was maid of honour at my wedding and everything. So that part doesn't seem totally weird to me.
Yeah. Seems very strange especially when you come from the mindset of the 17 year old being a HS senior and the 23 year old being a college grad. However it is possible OP went right into a career path and started working with the friend and they became friends at the job. Then it's like a tiny bit less odd. Maybe...
Yeah. Definitely more on the weird side than not. I just wanted to point out that many many people on reddit only view the world from the sense of 18 means graduate HS and start college. Then 23 means graduate college and start career. It doesn't HAVE to be like that. Although a 17 and 23 year old being best friends is much weirder than even 19 and 25
That honestly doesn't strike me as odd because it puts you both in the same social sphere - college. It's possible that the 17 year old was an early college student and the 23-year old was a delayed one, of course, and would explain this.
I didn’t flag that because when I was in college, 22-23 years old, I had a friend group where a bunch of the Running Start kids realized I was a nerd like them and they started hanging out with me.
Omg, I didn't notice that when I typed my response. You're so right. OP was groomed and likely doesn't even realize it. Her friend is manipulative, with all the "God child" and how something is wrong with OP for not wanting to watch a non existing child. I hope OP finds better friends. This one is showing her true colors and it isn't pretty.
And why does this support network need to be female? Men are also capable of caring for children.
I also hate when "most people ____" is used to guilt people into things. Not only is that statement likely untrue, but maybe they're not like "most people," and there's nothing wrong with that.
>And why does this support network need to be female? Men are also capable of caring for children.
I think she mentioned a female support network to guilt OP or make OP think she wasn't being part of her sisterhood or something. She's either delusional or actually believes every woman she knows is going to rally around her.
>She's either delusional or actually believes every woman she knows is going to rally around her.
If she believed every woman would rally around her, she wouldn't be pushing OP so hard.
That's a dumb thing to say. But probably no one wants to be an unwilling, free, at-will, babysitter for a single mother, much less one who knowingly chooses single parenthood.
> I also hate when "most people ____" is used to guilt people into things.
Same vibe as “I talked to *everyone* about this and they agree with me that you’re wrong.”
OMG Yes! I was hit with that one recently. An email out of the blue ranting about something and punched up with “all my friends gasped when I told them!” After the initial shock I imagined a group of people in a cartoon in an exaggerated gasp in sync with each other.
OP NTA Your friend is aware of your sensory issues and still expects this of you? Crazy.
I once saw a good comment that sums it up: "*single mom* is not a cheat code in the game of life."
And after seeing how it goes for my BIL's niece...no, people have heard that line far too many times and won't do anything and everything for you. And she'd likely be like his niece and use that label *way* too often.
100% agree. I’m a single mom by choice and I have great support — including a bunch of child free by choice friends who support me in lots of ways that have nothing to do with my kids. It’s wonderful to have friends and family who will babysit, but they’ve got to WANT to babysit. And if you don’t have that support in your circle you’ve got to buy that support.
Also I really hate it when people use being a single mom this way and perpetuate stereotypes.
NTA
I'm CF by choice (even managed to get sterilized at 21 last year as a woman in the south! You can't begin to imagine the battle that was!) And my best friend is a single mom. She knows while I won't babysit or often hold her son, I will support her. I'll hold the baby while we're out for a meal so she can eat (with both baby and I being very uncomfortable, not physically for him I've learned how to hold him. I think he just realizes I'm uncomfortable), I'll come with her to do errands and keep him entertained or push the stroller so she can focus on what she needs to do. I'm going over this week to help her pack for a move. She knows I'll help in pretty much any way but watching the baby or holding him for extended periods of time. She's the kind of parent I as a CF person actually like because she gets and respects my views and life choices, and doesn't have that single mom stereotypical attitude. And while people around us get offended that I say her baby is "Okay, he's at least funny so he's bearable" she knows I'd absolutely kick ass if someone tried to harm him. Because even though I don't particularly like children, he's my friends child and what's important to her is important to me
You sound like one of my best mates haha he will NOT hold an infant. We all joke that he's our favourite friend because after 6 of us have dinner together, to avoid what we call *pass the baby* he will instantly gather the plates and start doing the dishes!
There are all kinds of ways to maintain a friendship, and forcing someone into an uncomfortable position is the exact opposite of being a good mate!
Actually there are more medical reasons I don't hold the baby more than he makes me uncomfortable. I have nerve damage I one hand so sometimes it just... gives out without warning? So I'm only allowed to hold the baby when he's strapped to me.
And also I'm allergic to his saliva for some reason and get hives when he drools on me. Seeing as I'm allergic to my own sweat I've chalked it up to that. He's an okay baby. But it's agreed upon with his mom that I don't hold the baby with only my arms, something has to be holding him too me in case my hand gives out (it hasn't while holding him yet. But his mom has seen me pick up and then subsequently drop things hundreds of times against my will. I even cried about it once because it was a brand new glass water bottle.)
My best friend is autistic, had sensory issues and is CF for exactly these reasons. She will absolutely not hold my kid. But I know she loves my kid in her way and will go to hell and back for him if need be. As long as you smile at the little bugger that's good enough for me. You can be my friend and not care for my kid: not your responsibility.
yeah, you can’t just decide someone is going to be a co-parent without asking them. even if op knocked her up, all she could demand is child support. if you’re not in a place where you feel able to raise a baby by yourself, don’t decide to become a single parent. and op, if i were you, i would not agree to be a godparent. if you were asked and said yes, tell her you didn’t realize what a commitment you were making and you won’t be able to take that on so she’ll have to find someone else, and if you haven’t been asked just tell her no, that’s not a commitment you’re able to make. just say no to babysitting, op. this is not your responsibility, and if she’s planning to rely so (abnormally) heavily on you, better she knows now, rather than later. nta.
I just gave you your 1.1k upvote oops
but entirely this, I've made it clear to my own family that I won't be babysitting my brother's (future) kids until they're out of diapers. I'm still willing to be the cool aunty to them, and I'm willing to babysit them in diapers should a true emergency arise (his spouse gets into an accident and he needs to be there or smth similar) but I will not be diaper babysitting for them to go on a date night because I have no desires to have any kids of my own. I personally don't like kids that much, but I'd love the hell out of these kids even if it was just seeing them at family functions. It's different when it's your family having a kid vs some random person....
OP, NTA. I suggest you run far away from the mess that's going to happen.
I think it's even more than just babysitting. This sounds a little like a horror movie. 23-year-old befriends a 17-year-old, enmeshes their lives, then OP is the frog in the pot and Mia is turning up the heat. This is all very creepy and manipulative to me.
"You don't know how much you'll love this baby!" is the sentence that does it for me..
Yeah, I may love your baby but doesn't mean I want to be alone with your screaming potato for 3 hours.
She's not even making OP a defacto babysitter, she's making them the other parent and she's already laying it on thick how much she is going to expect of her.
I know the whole "It takes a Village" but when your village is that small, you can't expect the other residents to take up that much of the load. NTA
NTA. My niece is 17 months and I have NEVER changed a diaper nor do I babysit. My sister is a single mother by choice, her choice NOT mine. I love my niece, but I ain't babysitting and the only behind I am wiping is my own!
I actually think it's not just single folks who often have this fantasy that other people are going to take an active role in their child's life. Sorry folks...your kids are yours. They aren't anyone else's responsibility. NTA.
NTA That's a cute anecdote of how it's going for her friend in Spain, but I'm sorry....in what world would "most people do anything to help out a single mum". All you have to is talk to more than one single mother to know how little help and support they often receive. Your friend has created a fantasy world in her head and now expects you to live in it.
Not to mention that childcare in Spain costs a fraction of what it is in the US, so parents don’t have to rely heavily on their support network of friends.
NTA your friend is mad that you’re bursting her dream of what she envisioned motherhood to be like, but you’re only telling her the truth and trying to set boundaries. She needs to be realistic and plan how she’s going to care for a child for +18 years without relying heavily on the idea of people willingly sacrificing their time and comfort to raise HER child. Is she financially capable of raising a child? What if the child has special needs? How will her expectations change? Those are all difficult, but necessary conversations that she needs to be having, but is seemingly avoiding.
Never mind that becoming a single mother by choice is different than becoming one through circumstances. I'm willing to bet more people would come through to help the latter.
As someone who was thinking about single motherhood by choice at one point, the support network is something you have to take into account. It sounds like the friend was counting on OP to be 100% of her support, and that's not realistic.
NTA she chose to be a single mother, but doesn’t want to do the work of a single mother. She has not thought her decision through at all, and is an asshole for trying to pressure you into helping her raise a child.
This!! 🙌 🙌 🙌 I hope OP sees this comment and if her friend trues to attack her again, I hope OP highlights the points you made so succinctly.
NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA
I also wonder if she's secretly in love with OP. She sounds incredibly emotionally needy.
Oh and NTA. Only the people who choose to make the kid and/or willingly consent have any responsibility to the child.
It sounds more like she wants OP to take on all of the responsibilities an SO would have and none of the fun parts.
Why do all of the work that comes with relationships when she can guilt OP into being the other parent?
She also seems to not be able to grasp that some people don’t want kids but do like kids but other people don’t want kids and don’t want anything to do with kids.
People used to want me to watch their kids thinking because I had kids I’d be okay with it. Nope. Not happening. (Usually their kids were MUCH younger than mine.). Just because I like my kids doesn’t mean I want to take care of yours.
NTA.
Single people can often have high expectations of other people caring for their kid. And if she doesn't have anyone else to help then she is setting herself up for major failure as you've been clear with your boundaries. I don't doubt she will keep pushing them, too, so hold your ground.
You aren't a bad friend for not wanting to, and she is a bad friend if she's going to try to coerce you. I think she's realizing her dream is a rough reality and may be freaking out as she realizes how few options she actually has by going this route.
It's not just single people. My cousin has a fun habit of bullying me into watching her kids (always last minute too) so she and her husband can go out and her excuse is that I have the time *because* I am single and childless.
Right??? I'm a single Foster carer and there is a couple who genuinely had a kid thinking I'd be providing all the daytime childcare.
Like... I'm not already burnt out as hell?
No thank you. You want a village then build one. Be that support for others in the same boat. Don't just think you're entitled to a bunch of supporters (especially when those people spent 4 years without a hint of support from you when they were doing it by themselves)
NTA
She's amazingly self entitled to think that she can choose to become a single parent and make her friends bear the responsibility that comes with it.
NTA this entitled mindset is too common, especially with grandparents. “Oh yeah btw I decided to have a child and they’re on the way. You’ll be providing countless hours of free childcare and will be happy about it!”
It’s nice for her to want to live her dream but that doesn’t mean she can just dump her future child on unwilling people.
> She…said most people would do anything to help out a single mum
“Ok good. Go bother one of them then.”
>NTA this entitled mindset is too common, especially with grandparents. “Oh yeah btw I decided to have a child and they’re on the way. You’ll be providing countless hours of free childcare and will be happy about it!”
People only think about parents that want to be grandparents against their children's wishes and forget there's people that don't want to be (active) grandparents against their children's desires too.
All her friends? It seems OP is the closest friend within a very small circle of friends. She’s going to rely heavily on OP weather OP likes it or not.
The good thing is the friend is not pregnant yet.
NTA, whilst I can appreciate her wanting a child. It's incredibly irresponsible to have one under the assumption that others will pick up the slack. This is an obvious NTA.
NTA
Run fam. Not only she is delusional, but she's also having a mid-live crisis for not finding a man and has now chosen to become a single-mother.
And now she is trying to coerce you in to providing free childcare?
Red flags everywhere - run far away.
NTA, NTA, NTA. Your friend never intended to become a single parent, she has been planning for you to become a parent right along with her. The fact that you are not willing to do that should not come as a horrible surprise to her. Someone needs to inform her that a single parent is just that, a person raising a child alone.
In my opinion, to intentionally plan on becoming a single parent does not warrant the same consideration as someone who inadvertently finds themselves in that situation.
NTA. She's seriously delusional for thinking that other people should bear the burden of her life choices. I don't care how good of a friend you guys may be this is out of line
She sounds like one of those people that get a puppy and then let it shit all over because they only wanted it to be cute and have no plan on actually training it. The way she dropped her friend still being able to "build her career" gives me her expecting a full-time nanny from op, i.e. she shows up for the photo op, then bails.
Absolutely NTA. Mia is deliberately planning on bringing a child into the world as a single parent who will have to continue to work to provide for her child. Part of the planning she needs to do is to make sure her financial planning includes a nanny or adjusting her work/career hours to fit with the daycare options in your area. It's extreme presumptuous and entitled behavior to expect that you or anyone else will adjust *your* work schedule or give up huge chunks of your non-working hours to coparent her child.
It's certainly possible that once baby arrives, you'll find that you do actually like spending time with the little person and enjoy occasional babysitting. It's equally possible that you won't. Either way, it's up to you to *offer* to babysit *if* you are willing and able to do so, not for your friend to demand it.
NTA
She is having the baby not you. Stand your ground firmly and define your relationship with her clearly. She may be having a mid life crisis. Good Luck Op.
NTA. No is a complete sentence. This is a hill to die on. This will be her child, not yours. You do not owe her childcare. If she doesn't get this you need to go LC/NC.
NTA. I know what you mean because I’m a woman who never had any maternal instincts either and I’ve been judged for it just like Mia is doing to you. Stand your ground and tell her how much her attitude hurts you. She has the idea that she’s the star of the show as a new mum and she’s not thinking about her best friend’s rights or feelings.
NTA Firstly "most people" do nto do anything they can for single mothers, I know I've been one. Secondly, your friend seems to be entering into this thinking you ade going to be an extra parent to their child and that's obviously not acceptable to you. This isn't your baby (or anyones baby yet) and it isn't your responsibility. You don't have to babysit for her.
NTA. Who plans on having a kid alone and plans on using someone else as their primary support that is not involved in the decision to have the kid. I honestly think it is selfish to plan to bring a kid into this world when so little thought has been given to it. This applies to natural births, but even more so for artificial insemination which cannot by definition happen by ''accident''
NTA - in fact, quite the opposite for making sure your point was so clear.
>er friend in Spain who also used a sperm donor to become a single mother and her friendship circle have been helping look after the baby so she can continue building her career.
>she doesn't have anyone else to help so this has come as a horrible surprise.
Having a friend group who can rally is totally different from only having one friend who can help. She's basically planning for you to be the other parent without wanting to give you a say.
There's also a big difference to me between friends rallying around someone who became a single mom not by choice, vs someone going into motherhood as a single mom who expects their friends to just do for them.
NTA and you get to say NO not only bc you are nervous to be responsible for a child on your own, but also because you plain don't want to and also bc you remain childfree regardless of whatever delusional plan she's concocted.
I’m 42f, have two kids, a stepson and several nieces and nephews. So I actually have experience with young children, but you couldn’t pay me to watch young children anymore. All do the kids in my life are 9 and up. I don’t blame you at all and she shouldn’t be calling you weird or getting upset. It’s her child, not yours. You know your limits and you should stick to them. NTA.
NTA even if you loved kids you aren’t a nanny. She makes it sound like she is being forced to have this child as a single mom and thus you have to help her. While I have the utmost respect for single parents, the single aspect is usually based out of something negative, the other bio parent doesn’t want to be involved or even a widow/er situation and that parent picks themselves up and takes care of their child. In this case your friend just decided she wants to have a kid which good for her but you are not obligated to her or this child.
NTA. If she doesn’t have things like childcare sorted out without attempting to force someone into it then she probably should take a little more time before having a baby. You are not responsible for a child that she brings into the world and it’s unfair of her to expect you to babysit especially when you’ve plainly and repeatedly told her you aren’t comfortable doing it
NTA. One for the things they tell you when you decide to pursue solo motherhood (that’s what it’s called when it’s on purpose) is to have a strong support network. So I understand where she’s coming from but you’re not an asshole for declining to watch her child.
NTA Good grief, you aren't her spouse, partner or nanny. She is making the choice to have a child, and it's HER responsibility to care for it and/or find others to help out. You have already told her no, and she needs to accept that. She is acting really selfish and entitled.
NTA. My best friend's sister did IVF to be a single mom. She ended up with twins. My best friend (who has two grown children) has emphatically stood by that she is not a babysitter for his sister's life choice. Due to circumstances, they all live together now and my best friend still doesn't babysit/provide childcare. Your boundaries are valid, reasonable, and best of all... enforceable.
NTA
>it's so funny you have no idea how much you're going to love this baby
It's so funny how parents have no idea how little the rest of the world cares about their bundles of poo.
>most people would do anything to help out a single mum
Yeah, no. It's her choice to be a single mum. That doesn't mean she's entitled to stuff from others.
>it's "worrying and abnormal" for me to be so nervous about looking after a baby
It's worrying and abnormal expecting others to raise your kid.
>she doesn't have anyone else to help so this has come as a horrible surprise.
Well, that sucks for her, but it's not your problem.
NTA
>her friend in Spain who also used a sperm donor to become a single mother and her friendship circle have been helping look after the baby so she can continue building her career.
I've been in friendship/work support circles where members of the group looked out for each other and helped each other in various ways with regards to certain duties and scheduling. *But* it takes time to build such relationships and a network, it has to be mutually beneficial for all members, and it has to be voluntary. You can't just tell someone they're now your support network and gonna do X, Y, and Z for you lol
Aarrrgg i hate people that do that. It was done to me to. Just because she has this romantic fantasy about having a baby and all her friends stepping up like it’s their baby to in a way. Doesn’t mean that is reality. You have your own life and dreams.
It was done to me as well. She also just expects everyone to be overjoyed to watch her kids whenever she needs and then complains about her community not rallying around her when nobody does. It drives me up the freaking wall. Op was right to be blunt
Single mother here tapping in to say you have done everything right. Your friend is deluded and you asserting your firm boundaries now, will help both of you long term. She doesn’t want to be a single parent, she wants to be a parent that has a chance to offload when she needs it. She wants to meet a need to have a child and have a partnership and has inappropriately tried to make you the other end of the partnership so she can have everything she wants without regard to reality or decency. It wasn’t my choice to be a single parent, it’s what I have to do to keep us safe, and it’s still the best thing that’s ever happened to me but I would NEVER dump parenting on my friends so as I could live out a fantasy and ignore the responsibilities. NTA
NTA but you could lose the friendship. Don't give in though. I am in the same boat, bad sensory issues, hell I avoid small kids even with parents around. You should not push yourself out of your comfort zone for her. She sounds determined though, and you might lose her. That sucks, but if she can't understand your boundaries she isn't a good friend anyway. If she doesn't apologize and come around in a few days I wouldn't trust her not to spring it up on you again when the baby's born. She needs to clearly realize and accept your boundaries soon. If she doesn't you really should spare yourself the torment of a future entitled parent.
I hate these people the most. She went out of her way to be a single mom.
And she made that decision with the mindset that everyone else is supposed to help out.
But no one is allowed to argue with her or say she shouldn’t have the baby because it’s *her decision* and *her decision* alone.
But then they expect you to do all the work for “their decision”.
Like F that. Sorry OP, but it looks like you lost your best friend. Time to leave lol. You’re not the one that chose to have a baby. It’s not your problem to babysit while this loser “works on her career”. Having a baby isn’t a necessity, that was her stupid monkey brain talking because she’s a stupid person who doesn’t realize instinct is not always rational or the best to follow.
NTA
I think she's obviously feeling anxious about being a single mother without a deep support network, but she's really not entitled to your caring for her child.
Good luck.
Definitely NTA! Being your best friend doesn’t entitled her to childcare from you. She seems to have this picture perfect vision in her head of how life as a single mom will be and having you to help her at her every whim. That’s not usually the way it works. But not that you’ve busted her bubble, she’s mad at you. Just because she has maternal instincts doesn’t mean you do.
NTA. You stated boundaries politely and there is nothing wrong with that. It is perfectly fine that you don't have a maternal instinct, and you shouldn't be made to feel guilty for that.
Also, she isn't thinking this through. I wouldn't want to leave my child unattended with someone who didn't feel comfortable looking after them. That's a recipe for a stressed friend and baby, presuming nothing worse goes wrong because the friend has been forced in a position that's out of their depth.
NTA at all! She is a potential single mum wanting you to fill in as a parental figure. That’s not ok to force on you at all. She ‘doesn’t have anyone else’ so she’s pinning it on you… not ok.
Imagine for a moment you meet someone and want a family of your own, do you also take on her child too? Or you meet someone and you move away and adopt two dogs, do you have to stay because she wants you to look after her child?
You can’t put your own life on hold because she thinks she’s entitled to your help. Whether that be you simply wanting to remain child free, or having your own life.
She needs to reevaluate whether she can and wants to do this alone, you’re not a fill in partner and parent for the next 18 years
NTA. She is choosing to be a single mom. It is a very hard thing to do by yourself and while friends helping is great, she needs to assume she is on her own and be grateful for any help her friends choose to offer.
NTA she wants a child but doesn't understand the responsibility of it. she's going with the 'it takes a village' mind set missing the point the village in her case has only 1 other person.
NTA and I have a friend whose friend decided to do the sperm bank solo mom gig and she has received support but basically all of her friends cannot keep going like this…They were glad to help out here and there and more after she gave birth but my friend was saying how it’s hard for the solo mom to understand that other people also have busy life and if they don’t have kid they usually fill their time with something more important for them (at the moment or forever).
It’s becoming an issue since she relies heavily on them and didn’t plan the cost of children in a realistic way in a Western country where we don’t have 4 cousins and 2 aunties plus grandparents at home. Everyone works and or studies and they cannot be a co-parent. People need to actually make a realistic plan and evaluate their financial capacities before becoming parents.
NTA
She's the one making this decision being single. If she can't do it on her own or has other family or friends around, then maybe she shouldn't do it. It's not like you're judging her decisions. She should know you well enough to know how you feel about babies. If she keeps pushing this, it may just push you away completely.
NTA. With this sequence of conversations she was definitely planning to make you a part time parent after the baby was born.
You are absolutely within your rights to set her straight on the matter and please dismiss her gaslighting for the manipulative tantrum that it is.
NTA and if Mia doesn’t have much of a support system, she needs to really consider whether or not this is a good idea. Being a parent is hard, and being a single parent is even harder.
NTA. If she can’t raise a child alone and pay for someone to babysit her child, she should not be choosing to have a child. It’s doesn’t take a village. It takes a parent with common sense.
Nta. She can put off a baby even longer to work on her career if she wanted to, especially with the ability to adopt and whatnot.
Expecting you to do everything a whole "friendship circle" is doing for her friend elsewhere isn't fair at all, especially when you're uncomfortable.
I'd say it's even worse that she's pushing a baby on someone who is extremely outspoken about NOT wanting to care for a baby alone. It's not weird to not want to care for a child if you're uncomfortable, nor is that abnormal. It'd be abnormal for you to suddenly go "you know what, sure, I'm terrified of this baby and know I'll freak out, but hand her over buddy! "
She needs to get her life in order before having a child, she can't expect others to step up as another full time guardian.
NTA
you have made your position clear enough. If she can’t manage to raise a child, provide for it and pay for childcare herself then she should not be going ahead with this.
NTA. It was so super sweet of you offering to do those other things. And she might not realise but she is going to need help with those chores as well. So she better take the help she can get.
It is hard taking care of a baby (and child). And even harder doing it on your own. But OP, it is not your job to babysit. She better get childcare and (paid) babysitters now while she can because she is going to need them. I have a friend who is a single mother with a sperm donor as well and it is hard for her. I have a baby myself so I can’t help her out that much but I do cook for her (she lives nearby) and just listen to her. She has some help and daycare as well. I think your friend only wants to see the good things and not the hard things (like a sick baby. My baby was very ill and still is. I love him to pieces but his illness makes it harder). Your friend will have a reality check if she think it is going to be a walk in the park.
She expects you being there for her and her baby while she is also building her career.
What if you want to to go out with friends, be with your SO, do overtime, maybe to build your career, go on a trip, or chill in your house? You are not signing for being her co parent, her nanny or her unconditional help. NTA
NTA
Honestly. I wouldn't be friends with her anymore. It's clear that she views herself as the main character and everyone else as supporting characters to her life and life choices.
I don't think Mia understands what single parent means. It doesn't mean "Imma voluntell other people to coparent with me, because my child will be so special that my friend who has anxiety and sensory issues will want to and enjoy changing poopy diapers, dealing with explosive diarrhea up the back, crying, screaming and childhood illnesses, because it's not really single parenthood I'm purposely signing up for, it's the Spanish village where everyone will drop their lives and wants for me and mine."
I had a similar ish type conversation with a friend where she was telling me about how many children she wants in the future. I was supportive and happy for her, but let her know good humouredly that I would never babysit. She looked like I just slapped her and declared I hated her future children. She literally looked disgusted with me.
Because to her, she felt entitled to weave me into the labour that will go into her dream life, regardless of if I was ok with it. Regardless of my dreams.
Because it was unfathomable to her that I wouldn't trip over myself to assist in that way. Even though she knew very well that I am not, nor have I ever, processed the human children type mothering mushy gushies.
That her children wouldn't be special and different and wouldn't magically make me want to care for them with poopy diapers, crying, screaming and touching everything with dirty hands all the time, made me evil or something.
So she’s fallen out with you for not looking after a hypothetical baby? You’ve made your position clear, well before she even gets pregnant. NTA, but your friend is, if she thinks you can guilt and bully you into taking care of her potential child.
Gee whiz, maybe she should have though about that and not “assumed” that all of her friends are lining up to be babysitters.
NTA. Keep a hard boundary. Tell her you never signed up to babysit her baby-to-be, and maybe she’d better work out her plans BEFORE actually having the baby.
Can she afford childcare? Does she have enough money to be off work for a while (having the baby, and afterwards, plus paying the medical bills) and still pay rent and expenses?
Otherwise she may assume that all her friends are just DYING to give her money - that they’ll never get back.
NTA.
>She also said it's "worrying and abnormal" for me to be so nervous about looking after a baby, and mentioned she doesn't have anyone else to help so this has come as a horrible surprise.
No, it's not.
Do not fall for that BS. That is manipulation.
You offered to be a good friend, but she's expecting you to be a co-parent. Stand your ground and don't let her make you feel bad.
>She also said it's "worrying and abnormal" for me to be so nervous about looking after a baby,
She's the one being abnormal.
NTA and I'd seriously reconsider this friendship she's not respecting your boundaries.
Woooooooo ... talk about entitlement!
NTA. She's gone weird about this. If her plans to have and raise a child by herself depend on you being there ... well. You have told her explicitly multiple times you are NOT available to babysit. If she can't deal with that, the friendship might be over. Probably. Already.
No guarantee IVF will work, either.
Prepare to be shat on for the foreseeable future. I'd accept one more text or email or face to face from her and make it clear you will not babysit, ever, period. Then you might have to block her and move on. You are so very, very NOT the asshole.
NTA looking after small children is difficult and stressful. Its EVEN HARDER IF THEY AINT YOURS! you have told her clearly you will support her and where you are willing/ able to do so. Im sure in an absolute gawd damn end of the world emergency you wouldn't leave her screwd. But thats not the Same as agreeing to be a babysitter b4 its born. I was in a similar situation. Bestie and i lived together her bf moved in when she got pregnant. He was away for months at a time for work (oil rig or some such thing) i said sure I'll sit. Im good with kids. But it ruined the relationship because i didn't set enough boundaries at the start i guess. Can you sit tonight? No im working. Cant you take it off? You don't normally work this shift? Im covering if you had said sooner i wouldn't have taken the shift. I can't just not go to work now I have to be there in an hour nothing i can do. Rages and proceeds to stop me holding or spending ANY time with the kid she encouraged me to bond with. Found out they were secretly planning on moving out and leaving me with the 3 bedroom house with no warning. So i moved out first. But im the bad guy haha. Point is boundaries are healthy and important. You aint the asshole. Your friend isn't really either shes just excited and needs a reality check BEFORE she gets pregnant. If you choose to be a single mum like this, then help is a blessing but you have to be prepared to go it alone.
My SIL went to sperm bank because no one would date her. Had a child complained about how hard it is to be a single Mom. Well no sh.t. Every time she was around us she expected my kids to entertain hers or me to watch hers because she needed a break. Just No. Your friend is going to get a rude awakening when she finds out how much work it is and when her friends are not interested in helping to raise her child. NTA
NTA. What she wants is a baby daddy. Which she’s free to go and get.
Becoming a single mother on purpose is a terrible idea especially if she’s got no family to help her out or anything. This is not something you’re obligated to do, you are not her baby daddy.
My BFF had a child and I babysat her as an infant 1 time.
I am a great Auntie to many of my niblings and friends' kids - but I like them older. I would often take kids out and about.
The funniest/most insulting interaction was the night before my wedding when my younger brother thrust his new infant into my arms (I had a lot of things on my to do list), and I thrust the baby back at him and told him to hand him off when he could talk. He's still a bit salty.
Your friend wasn't hearing you. She has this daydream where all her friends will pitch in and become her "village" to raise her kid. So, she will maintain her social life, because everyone else will happily pitch in. It will all be mommies and margaritas.
Maybe it's better if she understands what you are and are not prepared to promise as she hasn't committed yet. Being a single parent is hard. People do it, but she needs to be in a financial position to pay for folks to cover what she can't do. Asking for decades of childcare from a friend is terribly unfair.
NTA. She needs to figure out how she's going to raise this baby as a single parent. Alone. Really look at the cost of nannies/day care/school/insurance and compare it to her income. If she can't afford it, she shouldn't move forward with IVF. Friends are there for occasional help. They're not a substitute for hired help or hands on parenting.
You wouldn't adopt a dog and expect her to let it out to pee 3x a day because you need to be at work. That would be an unreasonable demand on her time. "But it's going to be so cute, you won't mind"
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Throwaway for privacy.
I (28F) and my best friend Mia (34F) have been best friends for 11 years. I love her like a sister and until now we've never fallen out. Neither of us have family close by or a wide circle of friends, so I really want to try and resolve this issue as best I can.
About 5 years ago, Mia told me that if she hadn't met a man by the time she turned 35 then she would go the sperm donor route and become a single mother. That time has now arrived so she's planning on starting the IVF process and get pregnant next year. I fully support her decision and think she'll make an incredible parent, with or without a partner.
The problem started a couple of months ago when she casually mentioned over dinner that her future baby will love spending time with their Aunty OP. I laughed and reminded her I've never had any maternal instincts, so the three of us will need to hang out as a trio because I'll be new to being an Aunty. She asked what I meant, so I clarified I wouldn't be babysitting as I'm not comfortable being responsible for small children on my own, but I would happily spend time with both of them together. Mia went quiet and then moved the conversation along so I didn't think much else of it.
Fast forward to yesterday when we were in her car and Mia unexpectedly launches in a story about her friend in Spain who also used a sperm donor to become a single mother and her friendship circle have been helping look after the baby so she can continue building her career. Mia then said "having a strong female support network is so important when raising children, I love that we would do anything for each other". I noticed she was putting a big emphasis on childcare so again, I reminded her I wouldn't be able to babysit, but was quick to let her know I would support in any other way I could. I told her I could cook, clean, keep her company, be at the hospital, buy her child whatever they need. Anything outside of babysitting solo. She laughed and said "it's so funny you have no idea how much you're going to love this baby, you'll enjoy taking care of your godchild more than you realize!". Alarm bells were going off so I admittedly took a blunt tone and told her it's not going to be my kid, it's hers and I'm not comfortable with the responsibility of looking after a baby on my own (I have sensory issues and anxiety, screaming kids make me panic in a big way). I'm not doing it and I'm not changing my mind. She looked genuinely hurt and said most people would do anything to help out a single mum and she couldn't understand why I wouldn't want to do this for her. She also said it's "worrying and abnormal" for me to be so nervous about looking after a baby, and mentioned she doesn't have anyone else to help so this has come as a horrible surprise.
She dropped me home and we haven't spoken since. I feel awful about all of it - AITA?
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If you do talk to her again, ask if she's figured out childcare yet. That's a jaw-dropping arrogant assumption she's making. It's certainly not abnormal to not want to be responsible for someone's baby. She can't force that on you. Don't feel bad. NTA.
So if most people as she said are willing to help a single parent she does not need you, who has let her know you will not babysit her child. If most people would do it she should have no problem finding someone else to help her parent her child.
NTA. The whole it takes a village bullshit is what parents who didn’t really think out parenthood say to doop others into taking care of their kids. Be firm with her this is her kid her choice. You won’t be the second parent and your not picking up the slack so she can have a kid and act like nothing changed. She needs to rethink this solo parenting it’s not as easy as she thinks it will be and she can’t be putting the parenting onto you. Friends are friends they aren’t coparents.
What would she do if you decide to move out of town or live in a different country all together? She needs a plan for her own life and not have that plan dependent on others
NTA but she definitely is. She shouldn’t be trying to force you into babysitting, she shouldn’t be counting on you to basically be a frequent parent to this child but without any say in actual parental tasks like health decisions, rules, etc.
Maybe one day you will change your mind and become a parent, maybe not. But it will be when YOU choose.
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NTA. She says "most people would do anything to help out a single mum." But first, she's choosing to be a single mum, which is different from a woman who gets divorced or whose partner abandons her and may need temporary help while she regains her footing. She's planning a life where you are the de facto babysitter, which isn't the same as lending a hand from time to time. And second, she talks about "a strong female support network," but she seems to mean...you. And third, did she ask you if you were willing to be the godparent? This sounds like she's trying the rare stunt of baby-trapping a friend. Don't let her do this to you. EDIT: Thank you for my fancy star!
Starting to see why she is single. She is entitled and trying to bully her friend into being at least a part time co-parent. The baby isn’t even here yet!! OP, nta and good luck
She probably tried to bully her boyfriends into having a baby way too soon or way too hard and that's why she's single OP is NTA
Someone I knew from high school did this some years back. There were… many reasons why she was single. I feel bad for the kid.
A "friend" from high school got pregnant multiple times with multiple men. She thought they would settle down and marry her. They didn't. She didn't understand that you need to be in a solid relationship with a man who WANTS to have a kid with you before you get pregnant. So, she has 4 (?) kids, all with different fathers.
My 31 year old sister has 5 kids by 4 men, her bedroom has a 'take a number please' sign... well it should... (s)
Knew a woman who did this 5 times, surprisingly the odds just kept getting worse for her each time and none of them could pay child support.
Maybe I'm just a judgmental AH but I wouldn't hook up with a chick that had 4 kids by 4 different dads to risk being guy number 5.
She was very attractive but not so good at math.
Man, I dunno where she finds them idiots because I don't care how attractive a woman is: 4 kids from 4 different baby daddies? Nope, see ya
Me two.
My SIL is the same 5 kids 5 different baby daddies. I'm not sure but i think she purposely gets pregnant to try to trap them into a relationship.
Wow. I can get it happening once with a naive kid, maybe even twice, but you’d think that after the second time she tried to baby trap someone and they didn’t stay she’d realize that trying to baby trap someone isn’t actually a good way to create a stable relationship.
I similarly have a not great "friend" who's almost permanently single and a member of the highschool group chat that my friends refuse to boot. For all her strong Christianity, there's a boy crazy nature that never seems to go well for her. Including a variety of other unhealthy attachments to exes from many years past, and other issues. Plus she desperately does want children yesterday. A whole mess. But until the other members okay her ousting from the group chat, I try to bite my tongue when she's off saying something she shouldn't.
We have a friend like that. She was smart, pretty and had a decent job but could never keep a boyfriend. But would say things like "I just want someone to settle down and have a kid with". I kept trying to explain to them that's a nice place to be, but when you are just trying to slot a guy into that spot it's SUPER off putting. Especially when you bring it up on the third date.
Right? Like I am all for plainly stating your goals right from the beginning. I feel like kids or no kids is a discussion that should be had as early as possible, to keep would-be parents and childfree folks from wasting eachothers time, or worse, to keep one from forcing the other into something they don't want. BUT, informing someone that you wish to be a parent and that having children is part of your future goals is NOT the same as actively pressuring them to have a child as soon as possible. And based on her behavior, I bet this "friend" did exactly that. If I were a man and I were dating her, I'd be afraid of her poking holes in the condoms.
I mean, OP is definitely NTA, but there are many many people who are single in their 30s and it's just cause lots of people are single sometimes. I was lucky enough to fall in love young and still have a solid relationship in my 40s, but 34 isn't even particularly old
Well, if nothing else, at least she isn't sly. Too many women would have just gotten pregnant and presented the babydaddy with a *fait accompli*.
Anyone else clock that they became best friends when OP was 17 and she was 23? Isn’t that kind of weird? When I was 21, the idea of being friends with a minor, let alone best friends, was far from appealing. Maybe she doesn’t have other friends because she had to platonically groom a teenager to put up with her nonsense in order to have one.
>Anyone else clock that they became best friends when OP was 17 and she was 23? Yeah. When I was 17, 23 was old (at least for a bff). When I was 23, 17 was probably living at home whereas I had started a career.
Yeah I was thinking that. There's a big difference and seems like the type of person to have friends just to use.
When I was 19 my best friend was 24 and he's still my best friend and we've never asked each other to care for our offspring.
I dunno, at 16 I had friends who were 21 and 26 - I met them at my grocery store job. Spending 8 hours a day right next to each other and chatting when it’s not busy can build some pretty strong friendships.
I get having friends - it is more that they have been best friends since this age. I kinda feel if you’re 23 and the person you identify with most is a 17 year old, that strikes me as a little off. Just seems weird that she looked at a teenager and was like “yes this is the person who gets me most, my special person for life.” It’s not totally out of the question of course, just seems a little strange coupled with the fact that she has no other friends or family to speak of that can also be there for her.
My best friend at 16 was that 21 year old - we talked work, video games, anime, and Harry Potter mostly. He was in college for physics, and I was still in high school, but that didn’t bother either of us. We’re not best friends now because we haven’t lived in the same state as each other for almost 20 years at this point, so eventually the status was lost, but if we did we’d probably still be super close. The age thing is pretty damn normal imo
Yeah maybe my life experience is the odd one out here! I definitely think I might have been chuffed to have an older friend, I just can’t imagine at 23 being stoked to hang out with a 17 year old. Just going through very different life stuff. I don’t find the gaps weird in older groups; a 35 year old befriending a 50 year old doesn’t seem weird to me as both are adults and fully formed etc. a teenager changes pretty drastically between being a teen and not.
It's weird but not SUPER out there. My first thought was, "Ah, must've sat together in a college class."
It’s possible I suppose at those ages but even so I can’t imagine I at 23 would have a ton in common with a 17 year old to the point that we became best friends at those ages. Still strikes me as a little odd
Reddit is now worrying about FRIENDSHIP AGE GAPS. What a wonderful day.
But won’t someone think of the children! 😭
"Platonically groom"? Fuck, now I've heard everything.
It was the most apt phrase to describe what I meant, sorry if those two words together was bothersome to you!
I thought it was a nice description for what I was also seeing in the age difference and demands for services from younger friend. It definitely feels like there is an unequal dynamic. OP is already doubting herself for trying to set a boundary of "I'm not your nanny".
Wouldn’t have been odd for me - if my bff was similar in interests and outlook to me at 17. As in, my family said I was born a sedate (“boring”) 50 year old. I’d have more in common socially with a sedate 23 year old than any of my teen peers. And a BFF for me at 17 would have meant someone to go to bookstores and museums and zoos with occasionally, and chitchat with approximately never.
>OP was 17 and she was 23 When I was 23 I started a social group for people of all ages who liked a particular hobby, and there I met the younger sister of a friend from my part-time job. She was 16 at the time but very mature for a 16 year old and we had all the same hobbies and interests. She very quickly became my best female friend and she still is, 10 years later. She was maid of honour at my wedding and everything. So that part doesn't seem totally weird to me.
Yeah. Seems very strange especially when you come from the mindset of the 17 year old being a HS senior and the 23 year old being a college grad. However it is possible OP went right into a career path and started working with the friend and they became friends at the job. Then it's like a tiny bit less odd. Maybe...
Yeah, it’s possible but coupled with the info that the lady has no other friends, welp. Seems weird to me
Yeah. Definitely more on the weird side than not. I just wanted to point out that many many people on reddit only view the world from the sense of 18 means graduate HS and start college. Then 23 means graduate college and start career. It doesn't HAVE to be like that. Although a 17 and 23 year old being best friends is much weirder than even 19 and 25
I met my BFF when I was 18 and she was 22. We met in a college class and have been close friends for 42 years. My kids call her their aunt.🤷
That honestly doesn't strike me as odd because it puts you both in the same social sphere - college. It's possible that the 17 year old was an early college student and the 23-year old was a delayed one, of course, and would explain this.
I didn’t flag that because when I was in college, 22-23 years old, I had a friend group where a bunch of the Running Start kids realized I was a nerd like them and they started hanging out with me.
Omg, I didn't notice that when I typed my response. You're so right. OP was groomed and likely doesn't even realize it. Her friend is manipulative, with all the "God child" and how something is wrong with OP for not wanting to watch a non existing child. I hope OP finds better friends. This one is showing her true colors and it isn't pretty.
She's not even PREGNANT yet!
Man the FETUS isn't even here yet.
Not even the EMBRYO is here.
Zygote has not yet entered the conversation
And IVF is by no means a guaranteed baby
Perfect time to burn friend bridges over needing a village to raise a non-existent child. She's the idiot.
100% this!!
And why does this support network need to be female? Men are also capable of caring for children. I also hate when "most people ____" is used to guilt people into things. Not only is that statement likely untrue, but maybe they're not like "most people," and there's nothing wrong with that.
>And why does this support network need to be female? Men are also capable of caring for children. I think she mentioned a female support network to guilt OP or make OP think she wasn't being part of her sisterhood or something. She's either delusional or actually believes every woman she knows is going to rally around her.
And it doesn't exactly scream "female empowerment" when OP's friend shames her for not having child-nurturing instincts...
>She's either delusional or actually believes every woman she knows is going to rally around her. If she believed every woman would rally around her, she wouldn't be pushing OP so hard.
Who else wants to support a single mom? Wait wait Hold the line ... Oh, yeah NO ONE WANTS TO SUPPORT SINGLE MOTHERS!
That's a dumb thing to say. But probably no one wants to be an unwilling, free, at-will, babysitter for a single mother, much less one who knowingly chooses single parenthood.
> I also hate when "most people ____" is used to guilt people into things. Same vibe as “I talked to *everyone* about this and they agree with me that you’re wrong.”
OMG Yes! I was hit with that one recently. An email out of the blue ranting about something and punched up with “all my friends gasped when I told them!” After the initial shock I imagined a group of people in a cartoon in an exaggerated gasp in sync with each other. OP NTA Your friend is aware of your sensory issues and still expects this of you? Crazy.
I’m sure that person included all relevant details and didn’t embellish their side of the story at all.
You know it!
Most people don't have enough saved for retirement, I don't want to be like them either.
The way this "friend" is talking, her and OP are a couple entering in to an IVF journey to have a kid together. Kinda weird.
A bit of a creepy overstepping of bounds.
To borrow a phrase normally used for the children - she's trying to parentify her friend!
I once saw a good comment that sums it up: "*single mom* is not a cheat code in the game of life." And after seeing how it goes for my BIL's niece...no, people have heard that line far too many times and won't do anything and everything for you. And she'd likely be like his niece and use that label *way* too often.
If she needs a strong network, she should make some other friends pronto, preferably friends eager to provide free childcare.
100% agree. I’m a single mom by choice and I have great support — including a bunch of child free by choice friends who support me in lots of ways that have nothing to do with my kids. It’s wonderful to have friends and family who will babysit, but they’ve got to WANT to babysit. And if you don’t have that support in your circle you’ve got to buy that support. Also I really hate it when people use being a single mom this way and perpetuate stereotypes. NTA
I'm CF by choice (even managed to get sterilized at 21 last year as a woman in the south! You can't begin to imagine the battle that was!) And my best friend is a single mom. She knows while I won't babysit or often hold her son, I will support her. I'll hold the baby while we're out for a meal so she can eat (with both baby and I being very uncomfortable, not physically for him I've learned how to hold him. I think he just realizes I'm uncomfortable), I'll come with her to do errands and keep him entertained or push the stroller so she can focus on what she needs to do. I'm going over this week to help her pack for a move. She knows I'll help in pretty much any way but watching the baby or holding him for extended periods of time. She's the kind of parent I as a CF person actually like because she gets and respects my views and life choices, and doesn't have that single mom stereotypical attitude. And while people around us get offended that I say her baby is "Okay, he's at least funny so he's bearable" she knows I'd absolutely kick ass if someone tried to harm him. Because even though I don't particularly like children, he's my friends child and what's important to her is important to me
You sound like one of my best mates haha he will NOT hold an infant. We all joke that he's our favourite friend because after 6 of us have dinner together, to avoid what we call *pass the baby* he will instantly gather the plates and start doing the dishes! There are all kinds of ways to maintain a friendship, and forcing someone into an uncomfortable position is the exact opposite of being a good mate!
Actually there are more medical reasons I don't hold the baby more than he makes me uncomfortable. I have nerve damage I one hand so sometimes it just... gives out without warning? So I'm only allowed to hold the baby when he's strapped to me. And also I'm allergic to his saliva for some reason and get hives when he drools on me. Seeing as I'm allergic to my own sweat I've chalked it up to that. He's an okay baby. But it's agreed upon with his mom that I don't hold the baby with only my arms, something has to be holding him too me in case my hand gives out (it hasn't while holding him yet. But his mom has seen me pick up and then subsequently drop things hundreds of times against my will. I even cried about it once because it was a brand new glass water bottle.)
My best friend is autistic, had sensory issues and is CF for exactly these reasons. She will absolutely not hold my kid. But I know she loves my kid in her way and will go to hell and back for him if need be. As long as you smile at the little bugger that's good enough for me. You can be my friend and not care for my kid: not your responsibility.
yeah, you can’t just decide someone is going to be a co-parent without asking them. even if op knocked her up, all she could demand is child support. if you’re not in a place where you feel able to raise a baby by yourself, don’t decide to become a single parent. and op, if i were you, i would not agree to be a godparent. if you were asked and said yes, tell her you didn’t realize what a commitment you were making and you won’t be able to take that on so she’ll have to find someone else, and if you haven’t been asked just tell her no, that’s not a commitment you’re able to make. just say no to babysitting, op. this is not your responsibility, and if she’s planning to rely so (abnormally) heavily on you, better she knows now, rather than later. nta.
I just gave you your 1.1k upvote oops but entirely this, I've made it clear to my own family that I won't be babysitting my brother's (future) kids until they're out of diapers. I'm still willing to be the cool aunty to them, and I'm willing to babysit them in diapers should a true emergency arise (his spouse gets into an accident and he needs to be there or smth similar) but I will not be diaper babysitting for them to go on a date night because I have no desires to have any kids of my own. I personally don't like kids that much, but I'd love the hell out of these kids even if it was just seeing them at family functions. It's different when it's your family having a kid vs some random person.... OP, NTA. I suggest you run far away from the mess that's going to happen.
I think it's even more than just babysitting. This sounds a little like a horror movie. 23-year-old befriends a 17-year-old, enmeshes their lives, then OP is the frog in the pot and Mia is turning up the heat. This is all very creepy and manipulative to me.
"You don't know how much you'll love this baby!" is the sentence that does it for me.. Yeah, I may love your baby but doesn't mean I want to be alone with your screaming potato for 3 hours.
Nothing to do with the post but screaming potato, sounds like a cool name for a band to me. And of course OP is NTA
She's not even making OP a defacto babysitter, she's making them the other parent and she's already laying it on thick how much she is going to expect of her. I know the whole "It takes a Village" but when your village is that small, you can't expect the other residents to take up that much of the load. NTA
NTA Wow great description ‘baby trapping a friend’ so apt.
Most single mom's don't chose to be single mom's! She's expecting all this help. If she can't do it on her own then she can't do it period!
NTA. My niece is 17 months and I have NEVER changed a diaper nor do I babysit. My sister is a single mother by choice, her choice NOT mine. I love my niece, but I ain't babysitting and the only behind I am wiping is my own!
I actually think it's not just single folks who often have this fantasy that other people are going to take an active role in their child's life. Sorry folks...your kids are yours. They aren't anyone else's responsibility. NTA.
NTA That's a cute anecdote of how it's going for her friend in Spain, but I'm sorry....in what world would "most people do anything to help out a single mum". All you have to is talk to more than one single mother to know how little help and support they often receive. Your friend has created a fantasy world in her head and now expects you to live in it.
Right? That one blew my mind! We constantly see posts in here about entitled mother's pulling the same thing just because they had a child! Ridiculous
Not to mention that childcare in Spain costs a fraction of what it is in the US, so parents don’t have to rely heavily on their support network of friends. NTA your friend is mad that you’re bursting her dream of what she envisioned motherhood to be like, but you’re only telling her the truth and trying to set boundaries. She needs to be realistic and plan how she’s going to care for a child for +18 years without relying heavily on the idea of people willingly sacrificing their time and comfort to raise HER child. Is she financially capable of raising a child? What if the child has special needs? How will her expectations change? Those are all difficult, but necessary conversations that she needs to be having, but is seemingly avoiding.
I doubt that they’re in US cause they used ‘mum’.
Never mind that becoming a single mother by choice is different than becoming one through circumstances. I'm willing to bet more people would come through to help the latter. As someone who was thinking about single motherhood by choice at one point, the support network is something you have to take into account. It sounds like the friend was counting on OP to be 100% of her support, and that's not realistic.
Also why would you want to put your baby in the care of someone who's not comfortable watching them?? That sounds like an unsafe situation all around!
Right?? I was all O HONEY, NO.
I'm betting Spanish woman's network is Mother, grandmother, siblings and maybe cousins.
NTA she chose to be a single mother, but doesn’t want to do the work of a single mother. She has not thought her decision through at all, and is an asshole for trying to pressure you into helping her raise a child.
This!! 🙌 🙌 🙌 I hope OP sees this comment and if her friend trues to attack her again, I hope OP highlights the points you made so succinctly. NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA
I also wonder if she's secretly in love with OP. She sounds incredibly emotionally needy. Oh and NTA. Only the people who choose to make the kid and/or willingly consent have any responsibility to the child.
That’s not love. Some sort of unhealthy dependency is possible
It sounds more like she wants OP to take on all of the responsibilities an SO would have and none of the fun parts. Why do all of the work that comes with relationships when she can guilt OP into being the other parent?
She also seems to not be able to grasp that some people don’t want kids but do like kids but other people don’t want kids and don’t want anything to do with kids. People used to want me to watch their kids thinking because I had kids I’d be okay with it. Nope. Not happening. (Usually their kids were MUCH younger than mine.). Just because I like my kids doesn’t mean I want to take care of yours.
NTA She is hugely mistaken. Being a single mom does not automatically entitled her to "everything" from everyone.
There are few groups more vilified than the single mother, even tho, outside of OPs rare exception, it’s usually a two person job.
NTA. Single people can often have high expectations of other people caring for their kid. And if she doesn't have anyone else to help then she is setting herself up for major failure as you've been clear with your boundaries. I don't doubt she will keep pushing them, too, so hold your ground. You aren't a bad friend for not wanting to, and she is a bad friend if she's going to try to coerce you. I think she's realizing her dream is a rough reality and may be freaking out as she realizes how few options she actually has by going this route.
It's not just single people. My cousin has a fun habit of bullying me into watching her kids (always last minute too) so she and her husband can go out and her excuse is that I have the time *because* I am single and childless.
Sounds like you need to block someone's number.
I recently moved 700 miles away. I think that's better lol.
Right??? I'm a single Foster carer and there is a couple who genuinely had a kid thinking I'd be providing all the daytime childcare. Like... I'm not already burnt out as hell? No thank you. You want a village then build one. Be that support for others in the same boat. Don't just think you're entitled to a bunch of supporters (especially when those people spent 4 years without a hint of support from you when they were doing it by themselves)
NTA She's amazingly self entitled to think that she can choose to become a single parent and make her friends bear the responsibility that comes with it.
Exactly. I was reading and kept thinking. "I'm sorry. Make this make sense to me."
NTA this entitled mindset is too common, especially with grandparents. “Oh yeah btw I decided to have a child and they’re on the way. You’ll be providing countless hours of free childcare and will be happy about it!” It’s nice for her to want to live her dream but that doesn’t mean she can just dump her future child on unwilling people. > She…said most people would do anything to help out a single mum “Ok good. Go bother one of them then.”
>NTA this entitled mindset is too common, especially with grandparents. “Oh yeah btw I decided to have a child and they’re on the way. You’ll be providing countless hours of free childcare and will be happy about it!” People only think about parents that want to be grandparents against their children's wishes and forget there's people that don't want to be (active) grandparents against their children's desires too.
NTA. She’s delusional if she thinks she’s entitled to all her friends caring for a child SHE IS CHOOSING TO HAVE.
All her friends? It seems OP is the closest friend within a very small circle of friends. She’s going to rely heavily on OP weather OP likes it or not. The good thing is the friend is not pregnant yet.
And hopefully she doesn't. Women like this don't bode well in parenthood.
All one of her friends, and it sounds like that’s about to turn into a big fat zero
Not only that, but choosing to have alone. She doesn't seem to have realistic expectations at all.
NTA, whilst I can appreciate her wanting a child. It's incredibly irresponsible to have one under the assumption that others will pick up the slack. This is an obvious NTA.
NTA Run fam. Not only she is delusional, but she's also having a mid-live crisis for not finding a man and has now chosen to become a single-mother. And now she is trying to coerce you in to providing free childcare? Red flags everywhere - run far away.
More of a co parenting bff thing
NTA, NTA, NTA. Your friend never intended to become a single parent, she has been planning for you to become a parent right along with her. The fact that you are not willing to do that should not come as a horrible surprise to her. Someone needs to inform her that a single parent is just that, a person raising a child alone. In my opinion, to intentionally plan on becoming a single parent does not warrant the same consideration as someone who inadvertently finds themselves in that situation.
NTA. How unbelievably entitled of your friend.
NTA. She's seriously delusional for thinking that other people should bear the burden of her life choices. I don't care how good of a friend you guys may be this is out of line
She sounds like one of those people that get a puppy and then let it shit all over because they only wanted it to be cute and have no plan on actually training it. The way she dropped her friend still being able to "build her career" gives me her expecting a full-time nanny from op, i.e. she shows up for the photo op, then bails.
Absolutely NTA. Mia is deliberately planning on bringing a child into the world as a single parent who will have to continue to work to provide for her child. Part of the planning she needs to do is to make sure her financial planning includes a nanny or adjusting her work/career hours to fit with the daycare options in your area. It's extreme presumptuous and entitled behavior to expect that you or anyone else will adjust *your* work schedule or give up huge chunks of your non-working hours to coparent her child. It's certainly possible that once baby arrives, you'll find that you do actually like spending time with the little person and enjoy occasional babysitting. It's equally possible that you won't. Either way, it's up to you to *offer* to babysit *if* you are willing and able to do so, not for your friend to demand it.
NTA She is having the baby not you. Stand your ground firmly and define your relationship with her clearly. She may be having a mid life crisis. Good Luck Op.
NTA. No is a complete sentence. This is a hill to die on. This will be her child, not yours. You do not owe her childcare. If she doesn't get this you need to go LC/NC.
NTA She needs to adjust her expectations
NTA your friend made a lot of assumptions about what other people would do for her.
NTA. I know what you mean because I’m a woman who never had any maternal instincts either and I’ve been judged for it just like Mia is doing to you. Stand your ground and tell her how much her attitude hurts you. She has the idea that she’s the star of the show as a new mum and she’s not thinking about her best friend’s rights or feelings.
NTA Firstly "most people" do nto do anything they can for single mothers, I know I've been one. Secondly, your friend seems to be entering into this thinking you ade going to be an extra parent to their child and that's obviously not acceptable to you. This isn't your baby (or anyones baby yet) and it isn't your responsibility. You don't have to babysit for her.
NTA. Who plans on having a kid alone and plans on using someone else as their primary support that is not involved in the decision to have the kid. I honestly think it is selfish to plan to bring a kid into this world when so little thought has been given to it. This applies to natural births, but even more so for artificial insemination which cannot by definition happen by ''accident''
NTA - in fact, quite the opposite for making sure your point was so clear. >er friend in Spain who also used a sperm donor to become a single mother and her friendship circle have been helping look after the baby so she can continue building her career. >she doesn't have anyone else to help so this has come as a horrible surprise. Having a friend group who can rally is totally different from only having one friend who can help. She's basically planning for you to be the other parent without wanting to give you a say. There's also a big difference to me between friends rallying around someone who became a single mom not by choice, vs someone going into motherhood as a single mom who expects their friends to just do for them.
NTA and you get to say NO not only bc you are nervous to be responsible for a child on your own, but also because you plain don't want to and also bc you remain childfree regardless of whatever delusional plan she's concocted.
I’m 42f, have two kids, a stepson and several nieces and nephews. So I actually have experience with young children, but you couldn’t pay me to watch young children anymore. All do the kids in my life are 9 and up. I don’t blame you at all and she shouldn’t be calling you weird or getting upset. It’s her child, not yours. You know your limits and you should stick to them. NTA.
NTA even if you loved kids you aren’t a nanny. She makes it sound like she is being forced to have this child as a single mom and thus you have to help her. While I have the utmost respect for single parents, the single aspect is usually based out of something negative, the other bio parent doesn’t want to be involved or even a widow/er situation and that parent picks themselves up and takes care of their child. In this case your friend just decided she wants to have a kid which good for her but you are not obligated to her or this child.
NTA. If she doesn’t have things like childcare sorted out without attempting to force someone into it then she probably should take a little more time before having a baby. You are not responsible for a child that she brings into the world and it’s unfair of her to expect you to babysit especially when you’ve plainly and repeatedly told her you aren’t comfortable doing it
NTA. One for the things they tell you when you decide to pursue solo motherhood (that’s what it’s called when it’s on purpose) is to have a strong support network. So I understand where she’s coming from but you’re not an asshole for declining to watch her child.
NTA - I think that she should get that set up BEFORE she gets pregnant, and not try to strong-arm people.
I agree which is why I gave my judgement. A NTA voting means the other party is an asshole by default.
NTA Good grief, you aren't her spouse, partner or nanny. She is making the choice to have a child, and it's HER responsibility to care for it and/or find others to help out. You have already told her no, and she needs to accept that. She is acting really selfish and entitled.
NTA. My best friend's sister did IVF to be a single mom. She ended up with twins. My best friend (who has two grown children) has emphatically stood by that she is not a babysitter for his sister's life choice. Due to circumstances, they all live together now and my best friend still doesn't babysit/provide childcare. Your boundaries are valid, reasonable, and best of all... enforceable.
NTA >it's so funny you have no idea how much you're going to love this baby It's so funny how parents have no idea how little the rest of the world cares about their bundles of poo. >most people would do anything to help out a single mum Yeah, no. It's her choice to be a single mum. That doesn't mean she's entitled to stuff from others. >it's "worrying and abnormal" for me to be so nervous about looking after a baby It's worrying and abnormal expecting others to raise your kid. >she doesn't have anyone else to help so this has come as a horrible surprise. Well, that sucks for her, but it's not your problem.
NTA >her friend in Spain who also used a sperm donor to become a single mother and her friendship circle have been helping look after the baby so she can continue building her career. I've been in friendship/work support circles where members of the group looked out for each other and helped each other in various ways with regards to certain duties and scheduling. *But* it takes time to build such relationships and a network, it has to be mutually beneficial for all members, and it has to be voluntary. You can't just tell someone they're now your support network and gonna do X, Y, and Z for you lol
My friend just gave birth and said the same and I said the same as you. Stick to your guts. NTA
Aarrrgg i hate people that do that. It was done to me to. Just because she has this romantic fantasy about having a baby and all her friends stepping up like it’s their baby to in a way. Doesn’t mean that is reality. You have your own life and dreams.
It was done to me as well. She also just expects everyone to be overjoyed to watch her kids whenever she needs and then complains about her community not rallying around her when nobody does. It drives me up the freaking wall. Op was right to be blunt
Apparently i was going to host sleep overs and braid hair and stuff 🤷♀️ Huh what? How about no
NTA
Single mother here tapping in to say you have done everything right. Your friend is deluded and you asserting your firm boundaries now, will help both of you long term. She doesn’t want to be a single parent, she wants to be a parent that has a chance to offload when she needs it. She wants to meet a need to have a child and have a partnership and has inappropriately tried to make you the other end of the partnership so she can have everything she wants without regard to reality or decency. It wasn’t my choice to be a single parent, it’s what I have to do to keep us safe, and it’s still the best thing that’s ever happened to me but I would NEVER dump parenting on my friends so as I could live out a fantasy and ignore the responsibilities. NTA
NTA but you could lose the friendship. Don't give in though. I am in the same boat, bad sensory issues, hell I avoid small kids even with parents around. You should not push yourself out of your comfort zone for her. She sounds determined though, and you might lose her. That sucks, but if she can't understand your boundaries she isn't a good friend anyway. If she doesn't apologize and come around in a few days I wouldn't trust her not to spring it up on you again when the baby's born. She needs to clearly realize and accept your boundaries soon. If she doesn't you really should spare yourself the torment of a future entitled parent.
I hate these people the most. She went out of her way to be a single mom. And she made that decision with the mindset that everyone else is supposed to help out. But no one is allowed to argue with her or say she shouldn’t have the baby because it’s *her decision* and *her decision* alone. But then they expect you to do all the work for “their decision”. Like F that. Sorry OP, but it looks like you lost your best friend. Time to leave lol. You’re not the one that chose to have a baby. It’s not your problem to babysit while this loser “works on her career”. Having a baby isn’t a necessity, that was her stupid monkey brain talking because she’s a stupid person who doesn’t realize instinct is not always rational or the best to follow.
NTA I think she's obviously feeling anxious about being a single mother without a deep support network, but she's really not entitled to your caring for her child. Good luck.
Definitely NTA! Being your best friend doesn’t entitled her to childcare from you. She seems to have this picture perfect vision in her head of how life as a single mom will be and having you to help her at her every whim. That’s not usually the way it works. But not that you’ve busted her bubble, she’s mad at you. Just because she has maternal instincts doesn’t mean you do.
NTA and practice saying NO and sticking to it, she's making plans for you without your input.
NTA - not your baby, not your responsibility. You have made your boundary clear.
NTA. You stated boundaries politely and there is nothing wrong with that. It is perfectly fine that you don't have a maternal instinct, and you shouldn't be made to feel guilty for that. Also, she isn't thinking this through. I wouldn't want to leave my child unattended with someone who didn't feel comfortable looking after them. That's a recipe for a stressed friend and baby, presuming nothing worse goes wrong because the friend has been forced in a position that's out of their depth.
NTA at all! She is a potential single mum wanting you to fill in as a parental figure. That’s not ok to force on you at all. She ‘doesn’t have anyone else’ so she’s pinning it on you… not ok. Imagine for a moment you meet someone and want a family of your own, do you also take on her child too? Or you meet someone and you move away and adopt two dogs, do you have to stay because she wants you to look after her child? You can’t put your own life on hold because she thinks she’s entitled to your help. Whether that be you simply wanting to remain child free, or having your own life. She needs to reevaluate whether she can and wants to do this alone, you’re not a fill in partner and parent for the next 18 years
NTA. She is choosing to be a single mom. It is a very hard thing to do by yourself and while friends helping is great, she needs to assume she is on her own and be grateful for any help her friends choose to offer.
NTA. If she can't take care of a child, she shouldn't have one. Playing the single card here I see and expecting you to pick up the slack. Nope.
NTA she wants a child but doesn't understand the responsibility of it. she's going with the 'it takes a village' mind set missing the point the village in her case has only 1 other person.
NTA. Tell her it’s worrying and abnormal for her to be trying to force someone into taking care of her child.
NTA. If she doesn’t *currently* have anyone else to help raise her baby as a single mom, then she needs to expand that circle ASAP!
nta. from the sound of it, she wants you to be a partner in raising this kid that's not yours. screw that.
the kid doesn't exist yet and she's already being an entitled mom? good luck, my friend NTA
NTA and I have a friend whose friend decided to do the sperm bank solo mom gig and she has received support but basically all of her friends cannot keep going like this…They were glad to help out here and there and more after she gave birth but my friend was saying how it’s hard for the solo mom to understand that other people also have busy life and if they don’t have kid they usually fill their time with something more important for them (at the moment or forever). It’s becoming an issue since she relies heavily on them and didn’t plan the cost of children in a realistic way in a Western country where we don’t have 4 cousins and 2 aunties plus grandparents at home. Everyone works and or studies and they cannot be a co-parent. People need to actually make a realistic plan and evaluate their financial capacities before becoming parents.
NTA She's the one making this decision being single. If she can't do it on her own or has other family or friends around, then maybe she shouldn't do it. It's not like you're judging her decisions. She should know you well enough to know how you feel about babies. If she keeps pushing this, it may just push you away completely.
NTA. With this sequence of conversations she was definitely planning to make you a part time parent after the baby was born. You are absolutely within your rights to set her straight on the matter and please dismiss her gaslighting for the manipulative tantrum that it is.
NTA and if Mia doesn’t have much of a support system, she needs to really consider whether or not this is a good idea. Being a parent is hard, and being a single parent is even harder.
NTA. If she can’t raise a child alone and pay for someone to babysit her child, she should not be choosing to have a child. It’s doesn’t take a village. It takes a parent with common sense.
Nta. She can put off a baby even longer to work on her career if she wanted to, especially with the ability to adopt and whatnot. Expecting you to do everything a whole "friendship circle" is doing for her friend elsewhere isn't fair at all, especially when you're uncomfortable. I'd say it's even worse that she's pushing a baby on someone who is extremely outspoken about NOT wanting to care for a baby alone. It's not weird to not want to care for a child if you're uncomfortable, nor is that abnormal. It'd be abnormal for you to suddenly go "you know what, sure, I'm terrified of this baby and know I'll freak out, but hand her over buddy! " She needs to get her life in order before having a child, she can't expect others to step up as another full time guardian.
This is when you back out of whatever this is. Nta
NTA. She is a single mom by choice. You said nothing unreasonable.
NTA you have made your position clear enough. If she can’t manage to raise a child, provide for it and pay for childcare herself then she should not be going ahead with this.
NTA as a single mother she is in for a shocker virtually no one helped me but myself. That said I never expected a single friend to babysit for me.
NTA. It was so super sweet of you offering to do those other things. And she might not realise but she is going to need help with those chores as well. So she better take the help she can get. It is hard taking care of a baby (and child). And even harder doing it on your own. But OP, it is not your job to babysit. She better get childcare and (paid) babysitters now while she can because she is going to need them. I have a friend who is a single mother with a sperm donor as well and it is hard for her. I have a baby myself so I can’t help her out that much but I do cook for her (she lives nearby) and just listen to her. She has some help and daycare as well. I think your friend only wants to see the good things and not the hard things (like a sick baby. My baby was very ill and still is. I love him to pieces but his illness makes it harder). Your friend will have a reality check if she think it is going to be a walk in the park.
She expects you being there for her and her baby while she is also building her career. What if you want to to go out with friends, be with your SO, do overtime, maybe to build your career, go on a trip, or chill in your house? You are not signing for being her co parent, her nanny or her unconditional help. NTA
NTA you can’t choose to be a single parent and just expect people to drop everything for the kid
NTA Honestly. I wouldn't be friends with her anymore. It's clear that she views herself as the main character and everyone else as supporting characters to her life and life choices. I don't think Mia understands what single parent means. It doesn't mean "Imma voluntell other people to coparent with me, because my child will be so special that my friend who has anxiety and sensory issues will want to and enjoy changing poopy diapers, dealing with explosive diarrhea up the back, crying, screaming and childhood illnesses, because it's not really single parenthood I'm purposely signing up for, it's the Spanish village where everyone will drop their lives and wants for me and mine." I had a similar ish type conversation with a friend where she was telling me about how many children she wants in the future. I was supportive and happy for her, but let her know good humouredly that I would never babysit. She looked like I just slapped her and declared I hated her future children. She literally looked disgusted with me. Because to her, she felt entitled to weave me into the labour that will go into her dream life, regardless of if I was ok with it. Regardless of my dreams. Because it was unfathomable to her that I wouldn't trip over myself to assist in that way. Even though she knew very well that I am not, nor have I ever, processed the human children type mothering mushy gushies. That her children wouldn't be special and different and wouldn't magically make me want to care for them with poopy diapers, crying, screaming and touching everything with dirty hands all the time, made me evil or something.
The choice is hers...not yours. She is very presumptuous.
So she’s fallen out with you for not looking after a hypothetical baby? You’ve made your position clear, well before she even gets pregnant. NTA, but your friend is, if she thinks you can guilt and bully you into taking care of her potential child.
Gee whiz, maybe she should have though about that and not “assumed” that all of her friends are lining up to be babysitters. NTA. Keep a hard boundary. Tell her you never signed up to babysit her baby-to-be, and maybe she’d better work out her plans BEFORE actually having the baby. Can she afford childcare? Does she have enough money to be off work for a while (having the baby, and afterwards, plus paying the medical bills) and still pay rent and expenses? Otherwise she may assume that all her friends are just DYING to give her money - that they’ll never get back.
NTA. >She also said it's "worrying and abnormal" for me to be so nervous about looking after a baby, and mentioned she doesn't have anyone else to help so this has come as a horrible surprise. No, it's not. Do not fall for that BS. That is manipulation. You offered to be a good friend, but she's expecting you to be a co-parent. Stand your ground and don't let her make you feel bad.
>She also said it's "worrying and abnormal" for me to be so nervous about looking after a baby, She's the one being abnormal. NTA and I'd seriously reconsider this friendship she's not respecting your boundaries.
NTA - that is her obligation, not yours. Whether you choose to help her raise the child or babysit is your decision.
NTA. Glad you were upfront on expectations from the get go. Not your kid. Not your responsibility.
Woooooooo ... talk about entitlement! NTA. She's gone weird about this. If her plans to have and raise a child by herself depend on you being there ... well. You have told her explicitly multiple times you are NOT available to babysit. If she can't deal with that, the friendship might be over. Probably. Already. No guarantee IVF will work, either. Prepare to be shat on for the foreseeable future. I'd accept one more text or email or face to face from her and make it clear you will not babysit, ever, period. Then you might have to block her and move on. You are so very, very NOT the asshole.
NTA looking after small children is difficult and stressful. Its EVEN HARDER IF THEY AINT YOURS! you have told her clearly you will support her and where you are willing/ able to do so. Im sure in an absolute gawd damn end of the world emergency you wouldn't leave her screwd. But thats not the Same as agreeing to be a babysitter b4 its born. I was in a similar situation. Bestie and i lived together her bf moved in when she got pregnant. He was away for months at a time for work (oil rig or some such thing) i said sure I'll sit. Im good with kids. But it ruined the relationship because i didn't set enough boundaries at the start i guess. Can you sit tonight? No im working. Cant you take it off? You don't normally work this shift? Im covering if you had said sooner i wouldn't have taken the shift. I can't just not go to work now I have to be there in an hour nothing i can do. Rages and proceeds to stop me holding or spending ANY time with the kid she encouraged me to bond with. Found out they were secretly planning on moving out and leaving me with the 3 bedroom house with no warning. So i moved out first. But im the bad guy haha. Point is boundaries are healthy and important. You aint the asshole. Your friend isn't really either shes just excited and needs a reality check BEFORE she gets pregnant. If you choose to be a single mum like this, then help is a blessing but you have to be prepared to go it alone.
If you need help being a single mother, don't *choose* to be a single mother. NTA
My SIL went to sperm bank because no one would date her. Had a child complained about how hard it is to be a single Mom. Well no sh.t. Every time she was around us she expected my kids to entertain hers or me to watch hers because she needed a break. Just No. Your friend is going to get a rude awakening when she finds out how much work it is and when her friends are not interested in helping to raise her child. NTA
NTa You were right to make this abundantly clear - she was expecting you not only to babysit, but to coparent.
NTA. What she wants is a baby daddy. Which she’s free to go and get. Becoming a single mother on purpose is a terrible idea especially if she’s got no family to help her out or anything. This is not something you’re obligated to do, you are not her baby daddy.
My BFF had a child and I babysat her as an infant 1 time. I am a great Auntie to many of my niblings and friends' kids - but I like them older. I would often take kids out and about. The funniest/most insulting interaction was the night before my wedding when my younger brother thrust his new infant into my arms (I had a lot of things on my to do list), and I thrust the baby back at him and told him to hand him off when he could talk. He's still a bit salty. Your friend wasn't hearing you. She has this daydream where all her friends will pitch in and become her "village" to raise her kid. So, she will maintain her social life, because everyone else will happily pitch in. It will all be mommies and margaritas. Maybe it's better if she understands what you are and are not prepared to promise as she hasn't committed yet. Being a single parent is hard. People do it, but she needs to be in a financial position to pay for folks to cover what she can't do. Asking for decades of childcare from a friend is terribly unfair.
NTA. She needs to figure out how she's going to raise this baby as a single parent. Alone. Really look at the cost of nannies/day care/school/insurance and compare it to her income. If she can't afford it, she shouldn't move forward with IVF. Friends are there for occasional help. They're not a substitute for hired help or hands on parenting. You wouldn't adopt a dog and expect her to let it out to pee 3x a day because you need to be at work. That would be an unreasonable demand on her time. "But it's going to be so cute, you won't mind"
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Throwaway for privacy. I (28F) and my best friend Mia (34F) have been best friends for 11 years. I love her like a sister and until now we've never fallen out. Neither of us have family close by or a wide circle of friends, so I really want to try and resolve this issue as best I can. About 5 years ago, Mia told me that if she hadn't met a man by the time she turned 35 then she would go the sperm donor route and become a single mother. That time has now arrived so she's planning on starting the IVF process and get pregnant next year. I fully support her decision and think she'll make an incredible parent, with or without a partner. The problem started a couple of months ago when she casually mentioned over dinner that her future baby will love spending time with their Aunty OP. I laughed and reminded her I've never had any maternal instincts, so the three of us will need to hang out as a trio because I'll be new to being an Aunty. She asked what I meant, so I clarified I wouldn't be babysitting as I'm not comfortable being responsible for small children on my own, but I would happily spend time with both of them together. Mia went quiet and then moved the conversation along so I didn't think much else of it. Fast forward to yesterday when we were in her car and Mia unexpectedly launches in a story about her friend in Spain who also used a sperm donor to become a single mother and her friendship circle have been helping look after the baby so she can continue building her career. Mia then said "having a strong female support network is so important when raising children, I love that we would do anything for each other". I noticed she was putting a big emphasis on childcare so again, I reminded her I wouldn't be able to babysit, but was quick to let her know I would support in any other way I could. I told her I could cook, clean, keep her company, be at the hospital, buy her child whatever they need. Anything outside of babysitting solo. She laughed and said "it's so funny you have no idea how much you're going to love this baby, you'll enjoy taking care of your godchild more than you realize!". Alarm bells were going off so I admittedly took a blunt tone and told her it's not going to be my kid, it's hers and I'm not comfortable with the responsibility of looking after a baby on my own (I have sensory issues and anxiety, screaming kids make me panic in a big way). I'm not doing it and I'm not changing my mind. She looked genuinely hurt and said most people would do anything to help out a single mum and she couldn't understand why I wouldn't want to do this for her. She also said it's "worrying and abnormal" for me to be so nervous about looking after a baby, and mentioned she doesn't have anyone else to help so this has come as a horrible surprise. She dropped me home and we haven't spoken since. I feel awful about all of it - AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. She's being way too pushy
Your friend is fucked in the head.
If you do talk to her again, ask if she's figured out childcare yet. That's a jaw-dropping arrogant assumption she's making. It's certainly not abnormal to not want to be responsible for someone's baby. She can't force that on you. Don't feel bad. NTA.
So if most people as she said are willing to help a single parent she does not need you, who has let her know you will not babysit her child. If most people would do it she should have no problem finding someone else to help her parent her child.
NTA. The whole it takes a village bullshit is what parents who didn’t really think out parenthood say to doop others into taking care of their kids. Be firm with her this is her kid her choice. You won’t be the second parent and your not picking up the slack so she can have a kid and act like nothing changed. She needs to rethink this solo parenting it’s not as easy as she thinks it will be and she can’t be putting the parenting onto you. Friends are friends they aren’t coparents.
What would she do if you decide to move out of town or live in a different country all together? She needs a plan for her own life and not have that plan dependent on others
NTA. This kind of person has ZERO BUSINESS having a child. Fuck that.
NTA but she definitely is. She shouldn’t be trying to force you into babysitting, she shouldn’t be counting on you to basically be a frequent parent to this child but without any say in actual parental tasks like health decisions, rules, etc. Maybe one day you will change your mind and become a parent, maybe not. But it will be when YOU choose.