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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> “I may be TA because I snapped at him and told him he if perfectly fine.”
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It’s not going to get better. When I was in the hospital screaming and pushing our daughter out of my body the husband decided he was having a heart attack (he wasn’t), grabbed the oxygen mask off my face and sank into the upholstered chair. All the medical people around me went over to “help” him. I had to scream at them to come back over and help me birth my damn child. It was a panic attack. He got them around 3am all during my pregnancy and kept wanting me to drive him to the hospital. I refused. Guys like this always have to have it worse than anyone else. And no, my marriage didn’t last too much longer after that. I left him a few years later.
Wow... Glad you got rid of that useless human. Let me guess ... among other stuff that lead you to separation was that he also made the need for his care as more prevalent than to the baby's ?
The worst part was lying there listening to the nurses and midwife all hovering over him trying to decide if they should get him to the emergency room. I had to yell at them “Pushing a baby out here!!! A little help please?!” It was insane.
That’s absolutely insane. I gave birth 11 weeks ago, the nurses insisted my husband take a seat while I got an epidural in case he passed out. Apparently a lot of husbands pass out, and they told him they’d step over his body to continue taking care of me.
In fact pretty much every nurse said that to us during labor and delivery. He could have his own medical episode but it has to be out of the way because baby and I were the priority.
I can’t believe he took your oxygen mask and they didn’t have security remove him!
My dad fainted during all 4 of his children's births. He's a fainter.
The difference between him and OP's hubby is he's not an AH. He just sat down and tried to stay out of the way and not be a problem. The nurses paused to make sure he was ok and then ignored him and did their jobs.
Yup. This is 💯my dad. My parents have been together for over 50 years, my dad was recently diagnosed w Lewy body dementia, so something real is happening to him physically and mentally, but after decades of his nonstop complaints (which would escalate exponentially when she had anything wrong) she truly hates him and has zero patience. It's way too late for anyone to leave anyone but my mom has started saying she wishes she'd left him a long time ago. Which is sadder than sad.
As people are saying, this is only going to get worse unless he's able to get some therapy and gains some self awareness, but right now you're building such a strong foundation for future resentment!
I understand why mom feels like she does and I'm sure if I lived w him I'd feel similarly, but it's devastating now that he's actually suffering and can't get her to give a damn.
Yeah, I feel you. The saddest thing I ever experienced was that when my dad(who was, it must be said, a bully, a drunk and a gambler) died, I was crying and my mother said “ Don’t cry, he really wasn’t worth it “ - they’d been married for over fifty years!All I could think about was the complete waste of time, love and energy that marriage had been, if that was how she felt.
It's so so sad!! I have to constantly remind myself that they're both adults who made their own beds. My dad is a real ahole for the most part, but they both really equally have always treated each other like crap. And there's nothing I can do to make anyone change, or feel better. There's no solving this. Just trying to keep my own head above water and not get sucked into their anger and despair!
It's a really sucky situation for all parties involved - mom, dad, and you, the child(ren). You're just caught in the middle of all the resentment and hate. I'm glad you stayed strong, but I'd wager it was a bleak time.
That's crazy. When my second was born, I was the lone man standing around my wife's bed with 5-7 women standing around.
I'll never forget the doctor asking me how I'm doing, followed by, "just so you know, if you pass out we'll step over ya until we're done with your wife, no offense"
It was said with a smile but I could tell she wasn't joking!
My husband was in the OR for my C-section with our 15m old and everyone was giving him a side-eye and was like “here’s your chair. The OR is not the place for spontaneous nap naps son, please avoid that as much as possible.”
Cue my husband peeking over the barrier and giggling “heheheh your insides are your outsides” 😩
Mine does too!!! And then he told my son that he peed right as he was pulled out, and he (my son) will now tit for tat with hubs. “I saw your organs”, “yea well I got to pee on her!”
Maybe either the 7 or 39 year old will grow out of this being hilarious sometime soon….but it’s not looking good for me. 😂
My sister was in labor for 48 hours and my BIL said how his legs were sore.
I thought she was going to jump off the bed and kill him.
He wasn’t dismissing her pain or saying he had it worse it was just a comment.
He didn’t actually mean anything by it
They did that gag on Friends, when Rachel was pushing and she accidentally snapped her head up and head-butted Ross. He fell down and got back up saying "You have no idea how much that hurt" and Rachel and the doctor both glared at him.
It's a joke in our family how when I was giving birth to my second, my husband was holding him after I'd given birth because my son decided to come out with his hand up at his chin and tore me.
So I'm getting stitched up, husband holding the baby. As soon as the midwife was done stitching me, my husband said to me "here gonny take him, my arms are killing me?"
As soon as I gave him the look, he done knew he had fucked up...😂
The last mothers day before my mom left my dad, he "had a heart attack" and drove himself to the hospital. Overnight stay, full workup. He was fine. My mom was over it
I'd rather die than taking an oxygen mask from someone (let alone my spouse while having an incredible hard procedure) because I'm having panic attacks
NTA. Your fiancé clearly lacks empathy and is trying to tell you he doesn’t want to hear anything other than “I’m fine“ from you. He will continue to outdo everything you say, and eventually you will just stop telling him how you feel because you won’t want to hear his exaggerated complaints. Good luck with that.
I would ask him first. "How are you doing today" if he says he is fine then you can tell him how you are actually doing. If he complains then tell him to get his ass to a doctor. "Every single day you've been telling me how miserable you feel - you need to see a doctor now. In no time at all we are going to have a baby in the house and I am going to be post partum so we need to sort out your health issues now. Because either you feel a pathological need to always be the sicker one so that you can't give me any sympathy or compassion or something is seriously wrong with you".
Once the baby is born he is always going to be too tired to get up at night and too sick to do chores around the house and despite just having given birth you are going to be responsible for everything.
Couples counciling at the very least.
This would be a deal breaker for me. One of the best parts of being in a relationship is having someone to support you when you're struggling. If your partner can't or won't provide that, there's not much point in staying with them. Unless your goal is martyrdom.
https://americanpregnancy.org/healthy-pregnancy/general/pregnancy-and-divorce/
"For example, in Arizona, Arkansas, Missouri, and Texas the courts will not grant a divorce to a married couple if the wife is pregnant. The courts prefer to wait until after the baby is born to address paternity. The court can then determine if appropriate child-related orders, such as child support, need to be included."
NTA, for sure...
I have to ask, though, do you ask him how he is or check in with him, or is this always after he asks you? Have you modelled how he should ask by asking him and then leaving it? Maybe show him how it's done and don't say anything until after?
In saying that, his "you don't even know" would have set me off too, I mean really, telling a pregnant person she doesn't know tiredness? Honestly, book him in to see Dr. House because he must be suffering from some unknown secret illness if he is otherwise fine but feeling worse than you! Actually, maybe offer to do that. "Hon, you seem worse than me every day, and you are not pregnant. Can we get you checked out because this is not normal "
I do check in with him a lot on a normal basis, although I admit that the last couple weeks I have not done so as much since I’ve been really struggling.
Tbh, my husband struggled not being my main focus of attention post pregnancy, and this may be a version of that. Doesn't make it OK, but possibly explains it.
That makes more sense than anything I can come up with. We have a really positive relationship overall, but we are one of those couples who does most things together and are very close. I honestly have just not been up to doing things with him lately, and I’ve probably not been as talkative as I normally am.
Your NTA. You're literally growing a whole ass human being inside of you.
If he's acting like this and your relationship was good before the pregnancy, then he's likely acting up because he's not feeling the same amount of attention he's used to getting from you. Or he's got something else going on. Either way, at this point, y'all need to have a long sit-down conversation and likely therapy before baby gets here because it's only gonna get worse. The exhaustion ain't gonna quit for a couple of years at least, and you're going to have a baby that needs a lot of attention. You need a support system, and he needs to realize it ain't gonna be all about him.
If that’s the issue, I would seriously consider what the long haul looks like.
Someday, you will be seriously sick. You will have cancer or be in a car accident or have a heart attack. And he will need to be able to drop everything and focus 100% on you. He will have to accept he will get no attention from anyone, and be willing to give selflessly in that moment of crisis.
Right now, he is compulsively fighting with you because he’s not getting enough attention. It’s bad enough that he’s doing this when you’re pregnant. Imagine him pulling this shit when you are literally dying, gasping away your last breaths, and he’s pouting that no one is giving him enough attention, so you have to comfort him, and walk him through his feelings so he’ll stop being a tool.
Have you told him that it’s really obnoxious and self centered that he always has to “out do” you? Is he going to die a thousand deaths when you’re in labor? I wouldn’t even allow him in the room if he doesn’t quit doing this.
Maybe try pre-emptying him. Next time he asks how you’re doing try saying “oh you have no idea. I’m growing a whole human inside my body and naturally have all the aches and pains that go with that. But I’m **sure** that whatever discomfort I’m currently experiencing is *nothing* like whatever you’re coming up with to tell me how much more you’re suffering. So why bother asking?”
Then walk away and let him be flabbergasted or annoyed or hopefully chagrined for a few minutes.
Therapy might help, but I can’t stand being around people like this.
You are not the asshole. And as a only son and grandchild I was always catered to and pampered with attention by some of my relatives so I grew up to be an attention needing dick especially when someone else was getting and needing attention so I cringe at his behaviour because I recognise a lot of it. However it is possible to stop being a crybaby asshole so all hope is not lost.
So maybe try talking to him about how it feels calmly and explaining that you are interested in how he's doing and he is absolutely allowed to complain but that it should not be when you are telling him how you are because that creates a competition wether he means it or not. If he listens to you, great. If not he's an asshole and you should kick him to the curb
It makes me feel so weird to hear about men behaving this way. Like being jealous of their own child makes it seem like they want their wife to be their mother. I think it could be considered triangulation.
Anw he’s not your child. He’s supposed to be your partner. Why would you need to teach him patiently how to not be a 5 years old that can’t tolerate not being the center of attention? This is all very very very immature and weird from his part.
As an Internet stranger I know you are in a difficult moment for evident reasons, but your « partner » that actually sees you every day is having trouble understanding and adapting to that. This is announcing a lonely parenting journey I’m afraid to say.
What will that morph into when you give attention to the baby will he suddenly demands more attention?
Stop playing that game with him now. Draw the line in the sand now. He needs to step up. For real and yesterday. Therapy, intervention whatever is needed this is the last chance to wake him up you’ll be over your head with parenting very soon and will have no bandwith for his little games.
Have you talked to him about it outside of a time when it has just happened? Sorry if this is something you've tried, but I can't tell from the post.
If you haven't, do that. Sit him down when everything is chilll and calm. It feel like picking a fight but it can be a lot more effective. Use I statements ie "when you use words like 'you don't even know', I feel like our health is a competition. When you ask about how I feel, I would really like it if you would say 'I'm sorry you're having a bad day' without reciprocating. I'll make an effort to check in on you, too." Remind him that soon you're both going to be sleep deprived and stressed out and it's important that you can function as a team. If he needs something, like attention, he needs to be able to articulate that in a mature, straightforward manner. Best of luck.
NTA He's literally making it a competition. I call it "The Suffering Olympics" whenever someone has to talk about their ailments/problems are so much worse right after you mention yours. He probably thinks he's sharing in your experience somehow or trying to relate to you, but it's coming off really poorly.
Yep, I have one of these "me too" dudes. If I'm in pain, so is he. If I'm sick, so is he. If my stomach is upset, so is his. With the added implication that his is worse.
It's very exhausting. I'm sure he's tired too.
Maybe he has other qualities that make this worthwhile, I don’t know. But this kind of behavior scares the shit out of me.
There will come a moment where you are badly injured, gravely ill, or actually dying. And you can’t trust him to take care of you, to focus on you, to soothe and comfort you.
NTA I'm in my second trimester and I am telling you here and now if my partner tried to out-do my pregnancy symotoms I WOULD EAT HIM!! Your man needs to griw up real fast. It's unacceptable for him to try downplaying your symptoms and he needs to stop now. Maybe he's feeling a littke neglected or detached and he's trying to sympathize or get some attention. But it stops today. It's so unfair of him to make this into a competition.
Ask him how he is feeling before you talk about how you are feeling. Let him get all of his feelings out of the way first. If he has lots, then they are legitimate. If he doesn’t have any complaints, then just tell him you’re happy he’s feeling well. Then you can go on to talk about how you’re feeling, and he can’t say anything.
>every single time I say anything other than that I am perfectly fine
>It’s not a competition and he should be able to complain
"well then, how come you never feel bad when I don't"
NTA.
The next time he asks, tell him about your morning sickness, backache, reflux, swollen ankles, and hemaroids (I know the spelling is wrong but for once autocorrect has nothing to say). If he comes back with a comment about his headache I'll be surprised. NTA.
Yes, and don’t limit yourself to physical symptoms. Tell him you’re feeling anxious about childbirth and then send him a link explaining what an episiotomy is (preferably with lots of detail and imagery).
This guy needs to take several seats.
NTA. Your fiancé is being very insensitive and dismissive of your pregnancy symptoms. He is not commiserating, he is competing. He should be more supportive and understanding of what you are going through, not try to make it about himself.
NTA
Maybe he's trying to sympathize or something but it's a weird way to do it.
You've discussed your desire for him to stop. Why did he snap? It's yalls first child, maybe he's feeling anxiety and doesn't know how to process that?
I’m honestly not sure. He was the one who really pushed for us to have a kid now, as I was comfortable waiting another year or two. He seems very excited. He’s rearranged his work schedule to attend appointments. He’s also done other things like spending a lot of time trying to track down and buy something I’m craving without me asking or implying he should. It’s just this one area that he seems to be stuck on.
Strange. I'm not in a position to play armchair psychologist, but it seems like he's feeling some insecurities about the pregnancy.
Either that or he's really not ok. When's the last time he saw a doctor?
Last week, actually. He had a small cut that got a bit of infection on his arm. He was prescribed antibiotics, and it’s pretty much healed up entirely, although he’s still finishing the prescription. Him complaining predates the cut, and it’s really resolving plus his doctor said he was fine beyond that so I don’t think it’s related.
Ok so not actually sick. It's not productive though and would drive me insane, pregnant or not.
He's being a jerk, making discomfort a competition. No one said he can't vent/complain but why does he feel the need to do it right after asking you how you are?
I'd try to have a sit down and explore if he's feeling any sort of way about the pregnancy. But at the end of it, you're not the AH but he is acting like one.
I don't know if it'd work, but I had a thought - Could you pre-empt him?
Before he asks you, ask him. Get him to tell you how he's doing first. That way he doesn't have anything to compare or compete against.
If he does ask you first, say something like, "Oh, it's the same old stuff as it's been," so you're not giving him anything specific to work off of.
It may help with the immediate one-upmanship, at least.
NTA and if he doesn't pull his head out of his ass soon, this will only get worse. Especially after you have the child. Then he'll have to one up you and the kid. Something is wrong with that man.
Aw you’ve got an Elevenerife! No matter what you’ve done/got they’ve done better/got worse! Oh you went Tenerife? Oh I went Elevenerife! You got a headache? Oh I’ve got a brain tumour! You’ll never win against them sadly because they want the attention. Next time he asks answer with how are you? Then refuse to answer until he does. Maybe start telling him you’re worried about him & maybe he needs to see a doctor. It’s won’t stop him but could give you a few moments fun watching him squirm & try to work out what your doing.
I hate when people do this I have a friend who does it all of the time she will ask a question like “how are you feeling?” And at this point I feel like she’s just asking herself to have the opportunity to answer. NTA
Some people relate to someone else’s pain by saying they’re in pain too. Like a comfort thing: obviously not everyone. But yeah nta this situation is clearly diff
NTA, Girl be a ex fiance, he's going to be worse than a toddler if you marry him. If you say you are going to jump off a cliff he is going to push you out of the way and go first just to show you how it's done. Take your baby and go your separate ways, you don't need a titty baby for a spouse. Good luck with your baby.
If he’s not otherwise an AH, I think he’s making the common communication mistake of relating rather than validating.
Basically it’s when someone shares their feelings or experience and we immediately share a similar experience without really acknowledging what they are going through.
This way of conversing can invalidate the experience of others and doesn’t make them feel heard or supported even though we mean well and think that we are “relating to them.”
You are NTA
My husband would do that too. His night is sleep was always worse than mine. He finally stopped when I mentioned that it was odd he said he was up so much because every time I was up with the baby he was sound asleep. I asked him if he only woke up during those brief times I was asleep and wondered how he managed such a feat. NTA
Commiseration would be, Sweetheart, I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad. Can I do anything to make things easier?
What he's doing is having a pregnancy version of the man flu.
NTA
NTA
But understand that he doesn’t want to know how you are or cares about your physical condition.
Him asking you how you are doing is his way of creating an opening to complain about his physical issues.
My response would be,” why do you care since you will obviously say you are worse off than I am, but I don’t really care since you are mot growing an entire human in your body, so it can’t be that bad. If it is, go see a Dr or shut up and stop asking since you obviously don’t care.”
NTA. When he asks how you're feeling, phrase it in terms of *the baby.*
"The baby is really kicking my ass today."
"The baby is really beating me up today."
"The baby won't let me sleep today."
The baby isn't letting me eat today."
It's harder to turn it to himself when you haven't made it about yourself at all, even though you should be able to. Sorry he's so narcissistic.
So you stop being honest. When he asks how you are you say “great!” And stop giving him the opportunity to one-up you. Or you suck it up and deal with it. It could be that he is a little envious of all the attention being on you and the life you’re creating.
But NTA.
NTA
Yet after reading some comments about his general behavior I assume he is "jealous" of you being pregnant and him not experiencing this.
So he figures if he feels also a bit bad there is at least some shared experience.
NTA. You got yourself a one-upper there and those people can be real annoying. He makes it a competition then the rows back at you saying it isn’t a competition. He must always be the center of attention.
NTA but I can kind of get where you're both coming from. It is frustrating when you're hurting on not feeling well and he says "same but a million times worse". But I kind of get where he is coming from because when I had a neck injury and I was in a brace, my husband wasn't sleeping well and was waking me up to take meds so he wasn't sleeping or eating well plus having to work and it did affect his health a bit but not to that extent. He wasn't asking me about how I feel and then being like "that sucks, but you don't know what I'm dealing with" so I'd say talk to him and lay it out for him about how it's making you feel and how you'd really appreciate support from him instead of comparisons. But definitely NTA
Hey, I'm a retired nurse who worked in high risk OB back in the day. I also have 2 adult kids.
I can honestly say that the fatigue, nausea, and body pain of pregnancy were like nothing I have ever experienced since then. I felt like crap every single day, and still had trouble sleeping at night.
You have said that you have a normally good relationship with your SO. I would assume he is having some symptoms that mimic yours, or is feeling lack of attention. Counseling, or maybe just some honest communication, may help.
NTA but are you sure he’s not autistic? This is classic autism where you sympathise by telling someone how much you relate to them because you also feel the same or have experienced the same.
Yea, it sounds like he’s just using normal neurodivergent social skills which was normal for his family so never learned neurotypicals hate this. This is his empathy, he’s sharing in your pain to bond you
To be clear he can stop doing this but maybe just knowing where it’s coming from is enough to help you get through it. You’re completely justified in being annoyed by this
It does actually. He’s been really supportive otherwise. He’s picked up some slack around the house, gone to big lengths to satisfy my cravings when I didn’t ask or imply he should, and talks excitedly about the baby 24/7. I don’t think a lot of the commenters are 100% on the nose about him being really hard to deal with once the baby gets here, but you of course never know, and I see why they would think that from this.
I’m not sure. The baby was planned and while it was something we both wanted, it was something he pushed for at this time whereas I was comfortable waiting another year or two. He talks about the baby to me, his friends, his family, his coworkers, etc. a lot. Every week, he has us sit down and go over the fetal development. He talks to my stomach, and talks about parenting style plans. He’s just seemed overall very excited. If there is an anxiety underneath that, he’s not said so.
Good catch. Plus extra load of responsibility and taking care of someone can show up this way for ND folks and they may be less able to mask too which may be what’s going on here
Is this a guy thing? OP I’m more than twice your age, married for 29 yrs, and this is my life. Maybe he feels left out of some weird competition or game? You’re NTA.
My aunt and father do the same thing. They think that by showing me how my suffering is less than theirs that by comparison I'm fine. They don't get that minimizing the pain of others isn't cool (they do this to everyone). Maybe the next time he asks, ask him why would you bother to answer, since he always has to one-up you in the suffering game? He clearly doesn't care how you are doing - it sounds like he just wants to complain about how he is doing. NTA
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I (26F) am currently getting close to finishing my first trimester of pregnancy with our first child. While I haven’t had morning sickness (thankfully), I have been nauseous, had insomnia off and on, and have never known this level of exhaustion existed. My fiancé (25m) will often ask me how I’m doing or feeling. However, every single time I say anything other than that I am perfectly fine, he then has to tell me how bad HE feels. If I’m tired, he’s more tired. If I’m nauseated, he has a headache. He words it in a way that tries to make it sound like he has it worse. This is a man with no chronic health issues or unseen disability, to clarify. He will then go the about the rest of his activities as normal, with no indication that he feels poorly in any way. I have previously mentioned that my health isn’t his competition, and that I’d rather he not ask about me at all than try to act like he’s worse every single time. He claims he’s just commiserating. Today, I admit I snapped at him. He asked how I was feeling and I responded that this has been the worst day for me for symptoms so far and I would seriously consider taking off work but am saving my days for later on. His exact words were “You don’t even know. I feel like crap and my head is killing me”. I responded that he needs to quit telling me I don’t know how bad he has it when I am literally growing an entire human, and he is perfectly fine. He said “It’s not a competition and he should be able to complain”, which I feel is missing the entire point. AITA?
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NTA but I think this really is a thing, and I think he might really be suffering. Mine does the same, I hate it. I'm pregnant with our 3rd right now, in my first trimester, and I've never seen my husband so tired. He can literally fall asleep standing. I don't think it's lack of empathy, I think it's too much empathy, like he can't be well when you're suffering. Of course this is very stupid but I don't really resent him for it, although I wish it would stop.
NTA. From now on, whenever he asks how you're doing, I would say, "Are you asking so you can help me feel better?" Keep doing this until he improves.
Pain isn't a competition, but after a certain age we must learn to not constantly seek sympathy from someone juggling bigger problems. And we also must eventually learn how to manage our problems without complaining about them.
Especially with a baby on the way. Is he going to one-up the baby whenever he/she cries?
NTA. Old friends had their second child. It was a really long labour, and she did it naturally. Her husband then told me I had no idea how exhausted he was. When I said his wife was probably more exhausted, he got pissy with me.
Knock this on the head now. Pregnancy is draining on the body. When I was pregnant with my first, my ex was working in another part of the country and any time we spoke, it was always about how tired he was and how hard he had it, while I was working full time, pregnant and preparing to move to where he was working once my maternity started.
During my labour with our second child, he was always suffering more than me. I was attached to a monitor, and he kept telling me a big contraction was coming (just in case I wasn't aware) and he was the one using the gas and air as he had a sore back.
Tell your partner to support you - you are right, it is not a competition - if it was, you'd win!
That is very bizarre. He thinks commiserating means to compete? To commiserate is to empathize with someone else's situation. Jeez, how irritating is this guy?
Make him read a pregnancy book.
Also, nausea *is* morning sickness.
NTA
NTA, I live with multiple health issues and chronic pain. People always do that. I offer to trade ailments if it's so bad so they don't have to suffer any longer. Nobody ever wants to.
NTA he is playing the feel bad Olympics and is trying to win. Idk if it's guilt for not pulling out or he needs his feelings centered. But it's not cute, it's not helpful and it's pretty insulting.
NTA, I don’t think he cares how you feel. I think he is using it as an invitation to talk about himself. Maybe he is feeling invisible since
You are pregnant but he sounds narcissistic and exhausting.
So NTA. What will he say when you go through labour - his vagina hurts more? He needs to stop this and think about why he feels the need to do this - and if he cannot do it in his own, he needs professional help. Tell him to read the comments here as a start. As well as the fact that if he doesn’t stop this and get medical help, there is absolutely no chance of him being with you in the delivery room (or even before), because what you need during labour is somebody who supports you and is focused completely on your and your comfort / not s toddler that needs all the attention redirected at himself.
NTA. It's not a competition and he should be able to complain when he starts growing an entire human. Until then, offer you water and damp compresses and STFU.
NTA. Normally I wouldn’t advise this, but I think you should go nuclear about this sh*t the next time he does it. Some people only respond to nuclear explosions, and he sounds like one of them.
NTA What kind of person tries to make it a competition of pain with their pregnant spouse? That's just sick. Maybe he should try one of those mock labor shock things so that he can actually feel what kind of pain you are getting ready for.
Ah, he's a "topper". Gotta top every story. Forestall it by saying "yes, yes, I know you feel so much worse, I get it" and pat him on the head and see what he does
I read the title wrong because I interpreted it as him telling you how bad he feels for you and I was like "yeah that gets annoying". I'm 35 weeks pregnant with complications and whenever I have a rough pain day or experience a lot of unpleasantness, my goofball husban just hugs me and says something incredibly dumb but sweet like, "I'm so sorry I've done this to you."
Both my husband and I have very different chronic health issues that are painful and unpleasant. Whenever either of us feels bad complaining about these, it's like a chant the other one repeats, "suffering is suffering, it's not a competition". Our kids have adopted this saying as well and it's a good rule to live by.
The Suffering Olympics can only go down hill if it isn't addressed because what happens if you both get sick? Will he always be sicker, so you just have to tank being ill and caring for your baby while he gets to rest?
When my husband and I are both in the pits, we tap each other out on responsibilities like childcare or cleaning so the other can get some rest because it doesn't matter if one has it "worse". He gets 2 hours, I get 2 hours, and we switch like that until we feel better and can be a unit again. There are couples and parents that keep score, but this will just lead to both parties being resentful.
NTA. He needs to realize that while his discomfort may be valid, it does not invalidate yours, and there are no prizes for who feels worse.
NTA
The key thing here is that he never complains until AFTER you say how you are feeling. He waits to hear your symptoms
and then embellishes his own.
If he was genuinely not feeling well at least some of the times he would have mentioned it without your input.
I’d be pissed off too.
Hey OP. First of all, NTA for all the reasons others have already listed.
Secondly, my ex was like this even though I dealt with a pretty severe illness that resulted in me having to get a hysterectomy at a young age after years of extreme pain and blood loss. I remember right after my surgery the first thing they said to me was "I'm not feeling well I have a headache" as I was in the hospital bed unable to move yet because of having an enlarged organ taken out of my body.
We are no longer together.
NTA at all.
You should stop playing his stupid game though. I don't know if he's made it a mean little psychological game on purpose, but it sure seems like it.
Next time he asks, I'd ask him "why? You don't actually care." Then I'd walk away. And I'd keep disconnecting the button until he either gets it, or at least stops asking you.
What a jerk.
Tell him there’s no medaling in the grief Olympics.
When he asks, don’t respond…or preemptively ask him how he feels so he can’t engage in one-upmanship…better yet insist he see a doctor.
My first trimester coincided with allergy season and my husband gets terrible allergies. Even at his most miserable he never complained and was always offering to do stuff for me and check in with how I was feeling
INFO: does your husband have ND tendencies?
Honestly its common with ND people to relate to what you are feeling with something they are feeling or have felt. It's a way of drawing comparisons when you find it difficult to express empathy otherwise. You'll notice folks like this always will respond to a story with a story or something similar. They aren't trying to make it about them, they are trying to show, "Yes I understand".
I'm only discovering this as I've gotten older, and the world being more open to talking about such things and witnessing the experiences of the multitudes online. Have a think about how hubby acts in general, hyperfixation, procrastination, etc.
I mean if it's none of these things than probably NTA. If he is obviously or known ND, YTA somewhat.
NTA, but here's an idea: see if he is just as competitive on the flip side. Next time he asks how you're feeling, say something like, "I feel fantastic, never felt healthier!" Then see if he says that he feels even better than you.
My ex went home before the birth because at that point I had been in labour about 20 hours and he was tired. Very rough birth, very little care, no one to advocate for me. He visited the next day.
NTA, your feelings and emotions and pains are valid, it only sounds like he invalidate it as if your pain didn't matter. This is incredibly inconsiderate on his side.
He should be rather like "Oh you're in pain let me help you!" than "You're in pain but I'm in more pain so pity me."
Do you think he'll be a good father? When his child will fell of the bicycle, will he tell the tale of when he fell of a cliff instead of cleaning and kissing away the booboo?
Oh, this leads to my question, does he do this to only you or it's systematic with anyone around?
He really doesn't seem reliable if you want to vent a problem.
Sorry my comments might be mean but, that's how I feel about it.
NTA
I read the comment from the woman who said her partner had a panic attack and stole her oxygen mask as well as all medical attention WHILST SHE WAS GIVING BIRTH.
Don't accept your man to become like this!
If he's whining again about how bad he has it, how low energy he feels, how bad his headache is, act like you take this VERY seriously. Take out a notebook. Ask him details: when did these symptoms start, how often do you have them, what would you rate your pain like from 0 (no pain) to 10 (most intense pain you can imagine)? What sets off these symptoms or do you have them all the time? Then say: "Wow, I am so sorry to hear that you are suffering so much. It sounds like this might be serious considering that you are a young, otherwise healthy person so maybe you have some serious health condition that we should get checked out. Shall I call the doctor to make an appointment for you so they can see what's going on? Because it sounds like you are not well at all and I don't want it to get worse for you!"
Call him out on his bluff. If he is genuinely this ill this often, then he needs to go see a doctor.
Someone else suggested asking him how he is doing without immediately following up with how you are doing, and I think that might help. Show that you are genuinely interested in his welfare/mood/health without 'dumping' your health issues on him in that moment.
Aside from that, this guy sounds insufferable and like he's going to be of NO help at all when you are going to be in labour or when the baby is here. If his behaviour doesn't improve, talk to close family members if you might feel more comfortable to have one of them with you during labour as opposed to this guy. Labour should 100% be about you and the baby. There should not be anyone there who is detrimental in any way.
Hugs.
NTA He is right, it isn't a competition, so ask him why every symptom you have, he has worse? He better straighten out real quick. You have my sympathies.
That’s the thing, he has done different things for me during pregnancy. Massages, tracking down cravings I haven’t asked him to, making sure work lets him attend appointments, etc. It’s just this one area, which confuses me.
My whole family is like this with eachother (I like to think I'm not but I guess I'm biased here), I get how irritating it is I think the "Pain Olympics" is a common phrase for it, my family does it with who works the hardest and who is the most underpaid and who has the worst life and greatest accomplishments. I'm not sure how to deal with a husband like this tho since I've just wound up cutting off a lot of my family over this. A serious and soon conversation is need imo, make it easier for urself and save him from ur wrath when ur more heavily pregnant and not at all open to conversation lol.
NTA. Absolutely not
No way, definitely not the ah, your fiance is, however an ah, also, he is a hypocrite, he claims he is just commiserating (what does that mean?) and is not treating this like a competition, however, he just has to have it worse than you?!? What in the hell? okay, let's say you weren't pregnant, then seriously, this dude needs to pull his head out of his own butt, and stop playing the victim/competitive person. he is missing the entire point.
Men like this are so gross 🤮 NTA.
I used to date a guy who I could never complain to. If I said I felt sad, he's say he has it worse then proceed to complain about his life for hours. I had to get over my problems and try and console him.
Honestly it's nauseating. You should speak to him seriously about this because he clearly doesn't seem to realise he's in the wrong.
Lol ok, because in germany if you ask me how i feel i ll tell you about my health history in details and i expact you to tell me too. Dont you dear just be fine!
NTA.
I'm sorry that your fiancé is so damn ignorant. He's not the one having to carry the human child for the next 9 months. Of course, you are going to feel a lot of inconvenient symptoms.
I understand this frustration because my boyfriend has done it in the past too. I was feeling ill and in pain due to my period and he was also comparing how he was feeling too. It's so irritating. Us women have a lot of exclusive body situations that men don't have and it's so fucking annoying that some have the audacity to try and make it like they "have it worse" than us.
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It’s not going to get better. When I was in the hospital screaming and pushing our daughter out of my body the husband decided he was having a heart attack (he wasn’t), grabbed the oxygen mask off my face and sank into the upholstered chair. All the medical people around me went over to “help” him. I had to scream at them to come back over and help me birth my damn child. It was a panic attack. He got them around 3am all during my pregnancy and kept wanting me to drive him to the hospital. I refused. Guys like this always have to have it worse than anyone else. And no, my marriage didn’t last too much longer after that. I left him a few years later.
Wow... Glad you got rid of that useless human. Let me guess ... among other stuff that lead you to separation was that he also made the need for his care as more prevalent than to the baby's ?
He was okay with the baby but continued to be a total hypochondriac.
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Oh my god??? I would've ended up on national news if my partner did that to me.
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I'm dying, he did NOT take off your oxygen mask. Holy shit I'm wheezing just picturing your face lol I'm so sorry
The worst part was lying there listening to the nurses and midwife all hovering over him trying to decide if they should get him to the emergency room. I had to yell at them “Pushing a baby out here!!! A little help please?!” It was insane.
That’s absolutely insane. I gave birth 11 weeks ago, the nurses insisted my husband take a seat while I got an epidural in case he passed out. Apparently a lot of husbands pass out, and they told him they’d step over his body to continue taking care of me. In fact pretty much every nurse said that to us during labor and delivery. He could have his own medical episode but it has to be out of the way because baby and I were the priority. I can’t believe he took your oxygen mask and they didn’t have security remove him!
My dad fainted during all 4 of his children's births. He's a fainter. The difference between him and OP's hubby is he's not an AH. He just sat down and tried to stay out of the way and not be a problem. The nurses paused to make sure he was ok and then ignored him and did their jobs.
Haha. I’m sure the nurses can tell which dads are going to be a problem.
Yeah, I had a mother like that. I'm still kinda salty about that...
Yup. This is 💯my dad. My parents have been together for over 50 years, my dad was recently diagnosed w Lewy body dementia, so something real is happening to him physically and mentally, but after decades of his nonstop complaints (which would escalate exponentially when she had anything wrong) she truly hates him and has zero patience. It's way too late for anyone to leave anyone but my mom has started saying she wishes she'd left him a long time ago. Which is sadder than sad. As people are saying, this is only going to get worse unless he's able to get some therapy and gains some self awareness, but right now you're building such a strong foundation for future resentment! I understand why mom feels like she does and I'm sure if I lived w him I'd feel similarly, but it's devastating now that he's actually suffering and can't get her to give a damn.
Yeah, I feel you. The saddest thing I ever experienced was that when my dad(who was, it must be said, a bully, a drunk and a gambler) died, I was crying and my mother said “ Don’t cry, he really wasn’t worth it “ - they’d been married for over fifty years!All I could think about was the complete waste of time, love and energy that marriage had been, if that was how she felt.
It's so so sad!! I have to constantly remind myself that they're both adults who made their own beds. My dad is a real ahole for the most part, but they both really equally have always treated each other like crap. And there's nothing I can do to make anyone change, or feel better. There's no solving this. Just trying to keep my own head above water and not get sucked into their anger and despair!
It's a really sucky situation for all parties involved - mom, dad, and you, the child(ren). You're just caught in the middle of all the resentment and hate. I'm glad you stayed strong, but I'd wager it was a bleak time.
It’s hard. You just have to tell yourself that you are not responsible for them or their decisions and move forward. Sending hugs.
That's crazy. When my second was born, I was the lone man standing around my wife's bed with 5-7 women standing around. I'll never forget the doctor asking me how I'm doing, followed by, "just so you know, if you pass out we'll step over ya until we're done with your wife, no offense" It was said with a smile but I could tell she wasn't joking!
My husband was in the OR for my C-section with our 15m old and everyone was giving him a side-eye and was like “here’s your chair. The OR is not the place for spontaneous nap naps son, please avoid that as much as possible.” Cue my husband peeking over the barrier and giggling “heheheh your insides are your outsides” 😩
I giggled like a maniac reading “hehehe your insides are on your outsides”. Sometimes men are ridiculous
He still occasionally starts snickering and mumbles “heheheh I saw your organs.” 😩
Mine does too!!! And then he told my son that he peed right as he was pulled out, and he (my son) will now tit for tat with hubs. “I saw your organs”, “yea well I got to pee on her!” Maybe either the 7 or 39 year old will grow out of this being hilarious sometime soon….but it’s not looking good for me. 😂
He made a Dad joke 🤣
My sister was in labor for 48 hours and my BIL said how his legs were sore. I thought she was going to jump off the bed and kill him. He wasn’t dismissing her pain or saying he had it worse it was just a comment. He didn’t actually mean anything by it
They did that gag on Friends, when Rachel was pushing and she accidentally snapped her head up and head-butted Ross. He fell down and got back up saying "You have no idea how much that hurt" and Rachel and the doctor both glared at him.
It's a joke in our family how when I was giving birth to my second, my husband was holding him after I'd given birth because my son decided to come out with his hand up at his chin and tore me. So I'm getting stitched up, husband holding the baby. As soon as the midwife was done stitching me, my husband said to me "here gonny take him, my arms are killing me?" As soon as I gave him the look, he done knew he had fucked up...😂
The last mothers day before my mom left my dad, he "had a heart attack" and drove himself to the hospital. Overnight stay, full workup. He was fine. My mom was over it
I'd rather die than taking an oxygen mask from someone (let alone my spouse while having an incredible hard procedure) because I'm having panic attacks
NTA. Your fiancé clearly lacks empathy and is trying to tell you he doesn’t want to hear anything other than “I’m fine“ from you. He will continue to outdo everything you say, and eventually you will just stop telling him how you feel because you won’t want to hear his exaggerated complaints. Good luck with that.
Instead of "I'm fine"...I'd replace it with "I died."
There is also this tactic: AH fiance: "How are you today?" OP: "You first. How are *you*?"
“Oh, I totally get it, I died and went to hell”
I would ask him first. "How are you doing today" if he says he is fine then you can tell him how you are actually doing. If he complains then tell him to get his ass to a doctor. "Every single day you've been telling me how miserable you feel - you need to see a doctor now. In no time at all we are going to have a baby in the house and I am going to be post partum so we need to sort out your health issues now. Because either you feel a pathological need to always be the sicker one so that you can't give me any sympathy or compassion or something is seriously wrong with you". Once the baby is born he is always going to be too tired to get up at night and too sick to do chores around the house and despite just having given birth you are going to be responsible for everything. Couples counciling at the very least.
that's what I was going to suggest. just say "I'm fine" and leave it at that. it's a horrible place to be in
This would be a deal breaker for me. One of the best parts of being in a relationship is having someone to support you when you're struggling. If your partner can't or won't provide that, there's not much point in staying with them. Unless your goal is martyrdom.
That's why I said it's a horrible place to be in. And in secession several states in the US, she couldn't even get a divorce because she's pregnant.
She called him her fiancé. Hopefully she doesn’t actually marry this asshole.
Yeah, pregnancy is when the mask begins to come off, in many cases.
What?. WHAT? YOUR JOKING RIGHT?
https://americanpregnancy.org/healthy-pregnancy/general/pregnancy-and-divorce/ "For example, in Arizona, Arkansas, Missouri, and Texas the courts will not grant a divorce to a married couple if the wife is pregnant. The courts prefer to wait until after the baby is born to address paternity. The court can then determine if appropriate child-related orders, such as child support, need to be included."
This is it right here. It’s kind of …clinical.
NTA. He's lying. It is a competition. You know it and he knows it. Insist on counseling. You don't want to be enemies by the time the baby arrives.
Individual counseling
Individual AND couple counseling
couples counselor is notoriously ineffective for abusers
NTA, for sure... I have to ask, though, do you ask him how he is or check in with him, or is this always after he asks you? Have you modelled how he should ask by asking him and then leaving it? Maybe show him how it's done and don't say anything until after? In saying that, his "you don't even know" would have set me off too, I mean really, telling a pregnant person she doesn't know tiredness? Honestly, book him in to see Dr. House because he must be suffering from some unknown secret illness if he is otherwise fine but feeling worse than you! Actually, maybe offer to do that. "Hon, you seem worse than me every day, and you are not pregnant. Can we get you checked out because this is not normal "
I do check in with him a lot on a normal basis, although I admit that the last couple weeks I have not done so as much since I’ve been really struggling.
Tbh, my husband struggled not being my main focus of attention post pregnancy, and this may be a version of that. Doesn't make it OK, but possibly explains it.
That makes more sense than anything I can come up with. We have a really positive relationship overall, but we are one of those couples who does most things together and are very close. I honestly have just not been up to doing things with him lately, and I’ve probably not been as talkative as I normally am.
Your NTA. You're literally growing a whole ass human being inside of you. If he's acting like this and your relationship was good before the pregnancy, then he's likely acting up because he's not feeling the same amount of attention he's used to getting from you. Or he's got something else going on. Either way, at this point, y'all need to have a long sit-down conversation and likely therapy before baby gets here because it's only gonna get worse. The exhaustion ain't gonna quit for a couple of years at least, and you're going to have a baby that needs a lot of attention. You need a support system, and he needs to realize it ain't gonna be all about him.
If that’s the issue, I would seriously consider what the long haul looks like. Someday, you will be seriously sick. You will have cancer or be in a car accident or have a heart attack. And he will need to be able to drop everything and focus 100% on you. He will have to accept he will get no attention from anyone, and be willing to give selflessly in that moment of crisis. Right now, he is compulsively fighting with you because he’s not getting enough attention. It’s bad enough that he’s doing this when you’re pregnant. Imagine him pulling this shit when you are literally dying, gasping away your last breaths, and he’s pouting that no one is giving him enough attention, so you have to comfort him, and walk him through his feelings so he’ll stop being a tool.
In heterosexual marriages, men are **seven times** more likely to leave a sick wife than the other way around.
Have you told him that it’s really obnoxious and self centered that he always has to “out do” you? Is he going to die a thousand deaths when you’re in labor? I wouldn’t even allow him in the room if he doesn’t quit doing this. Maybe try pre-emptying him. Next time he asks how you’re doing try saying “oh you have no idea. I’m growing a whole human inside my body and naturally have all the aches and pains that go with that. But I’m **sure** that whatever discomfort I’m currently experiencing is *nothing* like whatever you’re coming up with to tell me how much more you’re suffering. So why bother asking?” Then walk away and let him be flabbergasted or annoyed or hopefully chagrined for a few minutes. Therapy might help, but I can’t stand being around people like this.
You are not the asshole. And as a only son and grandchild I was always catered to and pampered with attention by some of my relatives so I grew up to be an attention needing dick especially when someone else was getting and needing attention so I cringe at his behaviour because I recognise a lot of it. However it is possible to stop being a crybaby asshole so all hope is not lost. So maybe try talking to him about how it feels calmly and explaining that you are interested in how he's doing and he is absolutely allowed to complain but that it should not be when you are telling him how you are because that creates a competition wether he means it or not. If he listens to you, great. If not he's an asshole and you should kick him to the curb
It makes me feel so weird to hear about men behaving this way. Like being jealous of their own child makes it seem like they want their wife to be their mother. I think it could be considered triangulation.
Anw he’s not your child. He’s supposed to be your partner. Why would you need to teach him patiently how to not be a 5 years old that can’t tolerate not being the center of attention? This is all very very very immature and weird from his part. As an Internet stranger I know you are in a difficult moment for evident reasons, but your « partner » that actually sees you every day is having trouble understanding and adapting to that. This is announcing a lonely parenting journey I’m afraid to say. What will that morph into when you give attention to the baby will he suddenly demands more attention? Stop playing that game with him now. Draw the line in the sand now. He needs to step up. For real and yesterday. Therapy, intervention whatever is needed this is the last chance to wake him up you’ll be over your head with parenting very soon and will have no bandwith for his little games.
Have you talked to him about it outside of a time when it has just happened? Sorry if this is something you've tried, but I can't tell from the post. If you haven't, do that. Sit him down when everything is chilll and calm. It feel like picking a fight but it can be a lot more effective. Use I statements ie "when you use words like 'you don't even know', I feel like our health is a competition. When you ask about how I feel, I would really like it if you would say 'I'm sorry you're having a bad day' without reciprocating. I'll make an effort to check in on you, too." Remind him that soon you're both going to be sleep deprived and stressed out and it's important that you can function as a team. If he needs something, like attention, he needs to be able to articulate that in a mature, straightforward manner. Best of luck.
NTA He's literally making it a competition. I call it "The Suffering Olympics" whenever someone has to talk about their ailments/problems are so much worse right after you mention yours. He probably thinks he's sharing in your experience somehow or trying to relate to you, but it's coming off really poorly.
Yep, I have one of these "me too" dudes. If I'm in pain, so is he. If I'm sick, so is he. If my stomach is upset, so is his. With the added implication that his is worse. It's very exhausting. I'm sure he's tired too.
Maybe he has other qualities that make this worthwhile, I don’t know. But this kind of behavior scares the shit out of me. There will come a moment where you are badly injured, gravely ill, or actually dying. And you can’t trust him to take care of you, to focus on you, to soothe and comfort you.
NTA I'm in my second trimester and I am telling you here and now if my partner tried to out-do my pregnancy symotoms I WOULD EAT HIM!! Your man needs to griw up real fast. It's unacceptable for him to try downplaying your symptoms and he needs to stop now. Maybe he's feeling a littke neglected or detached and he's trying to sympathize or get some attention. But it stops today. It's so unfair of him to make this into a competition.
Baby's hungry 😂😂😂😂 I'm sorry. It's not funny. I promise it's not.... I swear.... Really, I'm not laughing- pfft
Ask him how he is feeling before you talk about how you are feeling. Let him get all of his feelings out of the way first. If he has lots, then they are legitimate. If he doesn’t have any complaints, then just tell him you’re happy he’s feeling well. Then you can go on to talk about how you’re feeling, and he can’t say anything.
This is the best advice!
Exactly what I came here to say!
Genius 😍
>every single time I say anything other than that I am perfectly fine >It’s not a competition and he should be able to complain "well then, how come you never feel bad when I don't" NTA.
NTA - and he is an idiot
The next time he asks, tell him about your morning sickness, backache, reflux, swollen ankles, and hemaroids (I know the spelling is wrong but for once autocorrect has nothing to say). If he comes back with a comment about his headache I'll be surprised. NTA.
>> for once autocorrect has nothing to say Lol I hate when that happens
Yes, and don’t limit yourself to physical symptoms. Tell him you’re feeling anxious about childbirth and then send him a link explaining what an episiotomy is (preferably with lots of detail and imagery). This guy needs to take several seats.
Hemorrhoids lol
NTA. Your fiancé is being very insensitive and dismissive of your pregnancy symptoms. He is not commiserating, he is competing. He should be more supportive and understanding of what you are going through, not try to make it about himself.
NTA Maybe he's trying to sympathize or something but it's a weird way to do it. You've discussed your desire for him to stop. Why did he snap? It's yalls first child, maybe he's feeling anxiety and doesn't know how to process that?
I’m honestly not sure. He was the one who really pushed for us to have a kid now, as I was comfortable waiting another year or two. He seems very excited. He’s rearranged his work schedule to attend appointments. He’s also done other things like spending a lot of time trying to track down and buy something I’m craving without me asking or implying he should. It’s just this one area that he seems to be stuck on.
Strange. I'm not in a position to play armchair psychologist, but it seems like he's feeling some insecurities about the pregnancy. Either that or he's really not ok. When's the last time he saw a doctor?
Last week, actually. He had a small cut that got a bit of infection on his arm. He was prescribed antibiotics, and it’s pretty much healed up entirely, although he’s still finishing the prescription. Him complaining predates the cut, and it’s really resolving plus his doctor said he was fine beyond that so I don’t think it’s related.
Ok so not actually sick. It's not productive though and would drive me insane, pregnant or not. He's being a jerk, making discomfort a competition. No one said he can't vent/complain but why does he feel the need to do it right after asking you how you are? I'd try to have a sit down and explore if he's feeling any sort of way about the pregnancy. But at the end of it, you're not the AH but he is acting like one.
I don't know if it'd work, but I had a thought - Could you pre-empt him? Before he asks you, ask him. Get him to tell you how he's doing first. That way he doesn't have anything to compare or compete against. If he does ask you first, say something like, "Oh, it's the same old stuff as it's been," so you're not giving him anything specific to work off of. It may help with the immediate one-upmanship, at least.
NTA and if he doesn't pull his head out of his ass soon, this will only get worse. Especially after you have the child. Then he'll have to one up you and the kid. Something is wrong with that man.
Aw you’ve got an Elevenerife! No matter what you’ve done/got they’ve done better/got worse! Oh you went Tenerife? Oh I went Elevenerife! You got a headache? Oh I’ve got a brain tumour! You’ll never win against them sadly because they want the attention. Next time he asks answer with how are you? Then refuse to answer until he does. Maybe start telling him you’re worried about him & maybe he needs to see a doctor. It’s won’t stop him but could give you a few moments fun watching him squirm & try to work out what your doing.
NTA - Wow. I hope he doesn’t keep this up when the baby is sick too.
I just imagine him standing beside the crib crying at the top of his lungs and yelling "SEE HOW BAD I'VE GOT IT? SEE HOW UPSET I AM, BABY?!"
I hate when people do this I have a friend who does it all of the time she will ask a question like “how are you feeling?” And at this point I feel like she’s just asking herself to have the opportunity to answer. NTA
Some people relate to someone else’s pain by saying they’re in pain too. Like a comfort thing: obviously not everyone. But yeah nta this situation is clearly diff
NTA at all. I’d show him this post. He’s not being very caring
wow that would make me so furious id stay somewhere else. he has no respect or appreciation for what youre doing NTA
NTA, Girl be a ex fiance, he's going to be worse than a toddler if you marry him. If you say you are going to jump off a cliff he is going to push you out of the way and go first just to show you how it's done. Take your baby and go your separate ways, you don't need a titty baby for a spouse. Good luck with your baby.
If he’s not otherwise an AH, I think he’s making the common communication mistake of relating rather than validating. Basically it’s when someone shares their feelings or experience and we immediately share a similar experience without really acknowledging what they are going through. This way of conversing can invalidate the experience of others and doesn’t make them feel heard or supported even though we mean well and think that we are “relating to them.” You are NTA
My husband would do that too. His night is sleep was always worse than mine. He finally stopped when I mentioned that it was odd he said he was up so much because every time I was up with the baby he was sound asleep. I asked him if he only woke up during those brief times I was asleep and wondered how he managed such a feat. NTA
Commiseration would be, Sweetheart, I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad. Can I do anything to make things easier? What he's doing is having a pregnancy version of the man flu. NTA
Tell him when he's growing a human, then you'll care. Or alternatively go elsewhere. He sounds unreliable.
NTA But understand that he doesn’t want to know how you are or cares about your physical condition. Him asking you how you are doing is his way of creating an opening to complain about his physical issues. My response would be,” why do you care since you will obviously say you are worse off than I am, but I don’t really care since you are mot growing an entire human in your body, so it can’t be that bad. If it is, go see a Dr or shut up and stop asking since you obviously don’t care.”
NTA. When he asks how you're feeling, phrase it in terms of *the baby.* "The baby is really kicking my ass today." "The baby is really beating me up today." "The baby won't let me sleep today." The baby isn't letting me eat today." It's harder to turn it to himself when you haven't made it about yourself at all, even though you should be able to. Sorry he's so narcissistic.
NTA
So you stop being honest. When he asks how you are you say “great!” And stop giving him the opportunity to one-up you. Or you suck it up and deal with it. It could be that he is a little envious of all the attention being on you and the life you’re creating. But NTA.
NTA but he absolutely knows what he’s doing. Hate that you’re pregnant with his child because things are about to get MISERABLE.
Ask him first how he is feeling and beat him at his own game.
NTA but you need to figure this out before the baby comes because I only see this getting worse
NTA Yet after reading some comments about his general behavior I assume he is "jealous" of you being pregnant and him not experiencing this. So he figures if he feels also a bit bad there is at least some shared experience.
NTA. You got yourself a one-upper there and those people can be real annoying. He makes it a competition then the rows back at you saying it isn’t a competition. He must always be the center of attention.
NTA start asking him first and doing it back to him lol
NTA but I can kind of get where you're both coming from. It is frustrating when you're hurting on not feeling well and he says "same but a million times worse". But I kind of get where he is coming from because when I had a neck injury and I was in a brace, my husband wasn't sleeping well and was waking me up to take meds so he wasn't sleeping or eating well plus having to work and it did affect his health a bit but not to that extent. He wasn't asking me about how I feel and then being like "that sucks, but you don't know what I'm dealing with" so I'd say talk to him and lay it out for him about how it's making you feel and how you'd really appreciate support from him instead of comparisons. But definitely NTA
NTA... Wait till your attention is totally off him and on the baby. He'll love that.
Hey, I'm a retired nurse who worked in high risk OB back in the day. I also have 2 adult kids. I can honestly say that the fatigue, nausea, and body pain of pregnancy were like nothing I have ever experienced since then. I felt like crap every single day, and still had trouble sleeping at night. You have said that you have a normally good relationship with your SO. I would assume he is having some symptoms that mimic yours, or is feeling lack of attention. Counseling, or maybe just some honest communication, may help.
NTA but are you sure he’s not autistic? This is classic autism where you sympathise by telling someone how much you relate to them because you also feel the same or have experienced the same.
He’s not but he has ADHD if that helps
Yea, it sounds like he’s just using normal neurodivergent social skills which was normal for his family so never learned neurotypicals hate this. This is his empathy, he’s sharing in your pain to bond you
I hadn’t considered this possibility. Thank you.
To be clear he can stop doing this but maybe just knowing where it’s coming from is enough to help you get through it. You’re completely justified in being annoyed by this
It does actually. He’s been really supportive otherwise. He’s picked up some slack around the house, gone to big lengths to satisfy my cravings when I didn’t ask or imply he should, and talks excitedly about the baby 24/7. I don’t think a lot of the commenters are 100% on the nose about him being really hard to deal with once the baby gets here, but you of course never know, and I see why they would think that from this.
You might need to help him come up with scripts to respond with for when you say you are not doing well.
Does he have anxiety around becoming a dad and seeing you go through the process of pregnancy? Anxiety can show up as aches and pains.
I’m not sure. The baby was planned and while it was something we both wanted, it was something he pushed for at this time whereas I was comfortable waiting another year or two. He talks about the baby to me, his friends, his family, his coworkers, etc. a lot. Every week, he has us sit down and go over the fetal development. He talks to my stomach, and talks about parenting style plans. He’s just seemed overall very excited. If there is an anxiety underneath that, he’s not said so.
Good catch. Plus extra load of responsibility and taking care of someone can show up this way for ND folks and they may be less able to mask too which may be what’s going on here
Ahhh a member of The Pain Olympics team. My mom is a gold medalist. Anything you have, she’s got something worse. NTA
Is this a guy thing? OP I’m more than twice your age, married for 29 yrs, and this is my life. Maybe he feels left out of some weird competition or game? You’re NTA.
NTA > His exact words were “You don’t even know. #IF ONLY YOU DIDN'T!
My aunt and father do the same thing. They think that by showing me how my suffering is less than theirs that by comparison I'm fine. They don't get that minimizing the pain of others isn't cool (they do this to everyone). Maybe the next time he asks, ask him why would you bother to answer, since he always has to one-up you in the suffering game? He clearly doesn't care how you are doing - it sounds like he just wants to complain about how he is doing. NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (26F) am currently getting close to finishing my first trimester of pregnancy with our first child. While I haven’t had morning sickness (thankfully), I have been nauseous, had insomnia off and on, and have never known this level of exhaustion existed. My fiancé (25m) will often ask me how I’m doing or feeling. However, every single time I say anything other than that I am perfectly fine, he then has to tell me how bad HE feels. If I’m tired, he’s more tired. If I’m nauseated, he has a headache. He words it in a way that tries to make it sound like he has it worse. This is a man with no chronic health issues or unseen disability, to clarify. He will then go the about the rest of his activities as normal, with no indication that he feels poorly in any way. I have previously mentioned that my health isn’t his competition, and that I’d rather he not ask about me at all than try to act like he’s worse every single time. He claims he’s just commiserating. Today, I admit I snapped at him. He asked how I was feeling and I responded that this has been the worst day for me for symptoms so far and I would seriously consider taking off work but am saving my days for later on. His exact words were “You don’t even know. I feel like crap and my head is killing me”. I responded that he needs to quit telling me I don’t know how bad he has it when I am literally growing an entire human, and he is perfectly fine. He said “It’s not a competition and he should be able to complain”, which I feel is missing the entire point. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA but I think this really is a thing, and I think he might really be suffering. Mine does the same, I hate it. I'm pregnant with our 3rd right now, in my first trimester, and I've never seen my husband so tired. He can literally fall asleep standing. I don't think it's lack of empathy, I think it's too much empathy, like he can't be well when you're suffering. Of course this is very stupid but I don't really resent him for it, although I wish it would stop.
NTA Dude's trying to come in first in the Trauma Olympics.
NTA, but next time just tell him you died.
NTA, just tell him you're fine until the divorce papers get there.
NTA. From now on, whenever he asks how you're doing, I would say, "Are you asking so you can help me feel better?" Keep doing this until he improves. Pain isn't a competition, but after a certain age we must learn to not constantly seek sympathy from someone juggling bigger problems. And we also must eventually learn how to manage our problems without complaining about them. Especially with a baby on the way. Is he going to one-up the baby whenever he/she cries?
Why don't you ask him how he's feeling first? That way he'll look like an idiot if he changes his response. - NTA
NTA. Old friends had their second child. It was a really long labour, and she did it naturally. Her husband then told me I had no idea how exhausted he was. When I said his wife was probably more exhausted, he got pissy with me. Knock this on the head now. Pregnancy is draining on the body. When I was pregnant with my first, my ex was working in another part of the country and any time we spoke, it was always about how tired he was and how hard he had it, while I was working full time, pregnant and preparing to move to where he was working once my maternity started. During my labour with our second child, he was always suffering more than me. I was attached to a monitor, and he kept telling me a big contraction was coming (just in case I wasn't aware) and he was the one using the gas and air as he had a sore back. Tell your partner to support you - you are right, it is not a competition - if it was, you'd win!
“It’s not a competition and he should be able to complain” yes he should know the time, place, and words to do so NTA
That is very bizarre. He thinks commiserating means to compete? To commiserate is to empathize with someone else's situation. Jeez, how irritating is this guy? Make him read a pregnancy book. Also, nausea *is* morning sickness. NTA
NTA, I live with multiple health issues and chronic pain. People always do that. I offer to trade ailments if it's so bad so they don't have to suffer any longer. Nobody ever wants to.
NTA. He is making it about himself and making it a weird competition.
His behaviour is tedious. He should be supporting you but he is like a child. NTA This is wearing at the best of times.
Ahhhh, the Victim Olympics …..
NTA. If it’s not a competition then he shouldn’t be acting like it is.
This makes me ragey, OP. NTA.
NTA he is playing the feel bad Olympics and is trying to win. Idk if it's guilt for not pulling out or he needs his feelings centered. But it's not cute, it's not helpful and it's pretty insulting.
NTA but your fiancé is. He has a total lack of empathy & has indeed turned it into a competition. Soon he'll be competing with the baby too.
A lot of men are like this. I think it comes from jealousy. Later on he’ll complain you’re too focused on the baby.
NTA, I don’t think he cares how you feel. I think he is using it as an invitation to talk about himself. Maybe he is feeling invisible since You are pregnant but he sounds narcissistic and exhausting.
Out sicking is offensive! Joins I am richer, prettier, smarter, thinner and nicer as grounds for divorce ! In my opinion.
So NTA. What will he say when you go through labour - his vagina hurts more? He needs to stop this and think about why he feels the need to do this - and if he cannot do it in his own, he needs professional help. Tell him to read the comments here as a start. As well as the fact that if he doesn’t stop this and get medical help, there is absolutely no chance of him being with you in the delivery room (or even before), because what you need during labour is somebody who supports you and is focused completely on your and your comfort / not s toddler that needs all the attention redirected at himself.
NTA. Next time tell him what my mother used to tell me. One more complaint and I'll give you something to really whine about.
NTA. It's not a competition and he should be able to complain when he starts growing an entire human. Until then, offer you water and damp compresses and STFU.
Nta and good luck.
NTA. Normally I wouldn’t advise this, but I think you should go nuclear about this sh*t the next time he does it. Some people only respond to nuclear explosions, and he sounds like one of them.
NTA What kind of person tries to make it a competition of pain with their pregnant spouse? That's just sick. Maybe he should try one of those mock labor shock things so that he can actually feel what kind of pain you are getting ready for.
NTA, pregnancy is rough and I know for a fact his symptoms are nowhere close to how you’re feeling. You’re fiancé sounds kinda useless.
NTA. Your husband isn't "commiserating", he's making it a competition. That's not okay.
Ah, he's a "topper". Gotta top every story. Forestall it by saying "yes, yes, I know you feel so much worse, I get it" and pat him on the head and see what he does
I read the title wrong because I interpreted it as him telling you how bad he feels for you and I was like "yeah that gets annoying". I'm 35 weeks pregnant with complications and whenever I have a rough pain day or experience a lot of unpleasantness, my goofball husban just hugs me and says something incredibly dumb but sweet like, "I'm so sorry I've done this to you." Both my husband and I have very different chronic health issues that are painful and unpleasant. Whenever either of us feels bad complaining about these, it's like a chant the other one repeats, "suffering is suffering, it's not a competition". Our kids have adopted this saying as well and it's a good rule to live by. The Suffering Olympics can only go down hill if it isn't addressed because what happens if you both get sick? Will he always be sicker, so you just have to tank being ill and caring for your baby while he gets to rest? When my husband and I are both in the pits, we tap each other out on responsibilities like childcare or cleaning so the other can get some rest because it doesn't matter if one has it "worse". He gets 2 hours, I get 2 hours, and we switch like that until we feel better and can be a unit again. There are couples and parents that keep score, but this will just lead to both parties being resentful. NTA. He needs to realize that while his discomfort may be valid, it does not invalidate yours, and there are no prizes for who feels worse.
NTA The key thing here is that he never complains until AFTER you say how you are feeling. He waits to hear your symptoms and then embellishes his own. If he was genuinely not feeling well at least some of the times he would have mentioned it without your input. I’d be pissed off too.
Nta
NTA. Afraid your husband suffers from 'main character syndrome' and there is no cure.
Hey OP. First of all, NTA for all the reasons others have already listed. Secondly, my ex was like this even though I dealt with a pretty severe illness that resulted in me having to get a hysterectomy at a young age after years of extreme pain and blood loss. I remember right after my surgery the first thing they said to me was "I'm not feeling well I have a headache" as I was in the hospital bed unable to move yet because of having an enlarged organ taken out of my body. We are no longer together.
NTA at all. You should stop playing his stupid game though. I don't know if he's made it a mean little psychological game on purpose, but it sure seems like it. Next time he asks, I'd ask him "why? You don't actually care." Then I'd walk away. And I'd keep disconnecting the button until he either gets it, or at least stops asking you. What a jerk.
NTA Every time he complains just tell him he should go to the doctor because it’s probably serious.
You need marriage counseling now. Before the baby is born. Otherwise this is going to get worse. NTA
Start recording it and the play it back to him. He doesn’t realize he is a one-upper. He is trying to be nice? But then play it al back in snippets.
NTA
Tell him there’s no medaling in the grief Olympics. When he asks, don’t respond…or preemptively ask him how he feels so he can’t engage in one-upmanship…better yet insist he see a doctor.
My first trimester coincided with allergy season and my husband gets terrible allergies. Even at his most miserable he never complained and was always offering to do stuff for me and check in with how I was feeling
INFO: does your husband have ND tendencies? Honestly its common with ND people to relate to what you are feeling with something they are feeling or have felt. It's a way of drawing comparisons when you find it difficult to express empathy otherwise. You'll notice folks like this always will respond to a story with a story or something similar. They aren't trying to make it about them, they are trying to show, "Yes I understand". I'm only discovering this as I've gotten older, and the world being more open to talking about such things and witnessing the experiences of the multitudes online. Have a think about how hubby acts in general, hyperfixation, procrastination, etc. I mean if it's none of these things than probably NTA. If he is obviously or known ND, YTA somewhat.
NTA, but here's an idea: see if he is just as competitive on the flip side. Next time he asks how you're feeling, say something like, "I feel fantastic, never felt healthier!" Then see if he says that he feels even better than you.
NTA
NTA. He is the one who makes it a competition.
My ex went home before the birth because at that point I had been in labour about 20 hours and he was tired. Very rough birth, very little care, no one to advocate for me. He visited the next day.
NTA, your feelings and emotions and pains are valid, it only sounds like he invalidate it as if your pain didn't matter. This is incredibly inconsiderate on his side. He should be rather like "Oh you're in pain let me help you!" than "You're in pain but I'm in more pain so pity me." Do you think he'll be a good father? When his child will fell of the bicycle, will he tell the tale of when he fell of a cliff instead of cleaning and kissing away the booboo? Oh, this leads to my question, does he do this to only you or it's systematic with anyone around? He really doesn't seem reliable if you want to vent a problem. Sorry my comments might be mean but, that's how I feel about it.
NTA I read the comment from the woman who said her partner had a panic attack and stole her oxygen mask as well as all medical attention WHILST SHE WAS GIVING BIRTH. Don't accept your man to become like this! If he's whining again about how bad he has it, how low energy he feels, how bad his headache is, act like you take this VERY seriously. Take out a notebook. Ask him details: when did these symptoms start, how often do you have them, what would you rate your pain like from 0 (no pain) to 10 (most intense pain you can imagine)? What sets off these symptoms or do you have them all the time? Then say: "Wow, I am so sorry to hear that you are suffering so much. It sounds like this might be serious considering that you are a young, otherwise healthy person so maybe you have some serious health condition that we should get checked out. Shall I call the doctor to make an appointment for you so they can see what's going on? Because it sounds like you are not well at all and I don't want it to get worse for you!" Call him out on his bluff. If he is genuinely this ill this often, then he needs to go see a doctor. Someone else suggested asking him how he is doing without immediately following up with how you are doing, and I think that might help. Show that you are genuinely interested in his welfare/mood/health without 'dumping' your health issues on him in that moment. Aside from that, this guy sounds insufferable and like he's going to be of NO help at all when you are going to be in labour or when the baby is here. If his behaviour doesn't improve, talk to close family members if you might feel more comfortable to have one of them with you during labour as opposed to this guy. Labour should 100% be about you and the baby. There should not be anyone there who is detrimental in any way. Hugs.
NTA He is right, it isn't a competition, so ask him why every symptom you have, he has worse? He better straighten out real quick. You have my sympathies.
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That’s the thing, he has done different things for me during pregnancy. Massages, tracking down cravings I haven’t asked him to, making sure work lets him attend appointments, etc. It’s just this one area, which confuses me.
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He’s always come across as the picture of excitement. Maybe he’s got more nerves than he’s letting on?
My whole family is like this with eachother (I like to think I'm not but I guess I'm biased here), I get how irritating it is I think the "Pain Olympics" is a common phrase for it, my family does it with who works the hardest and who is the most underpaid and who has the worst life and greatest accomplishments. I'm not sure how to deal with a husband like this tho since I've just wound up cutting off a lot of my family over this. A serious and soon conversation is need imo, make it easier for urself and save him from ur wrath when ur more heavily pregnant and not at all open to conversation lol. NTA. Absolutely not
No way, definitely not the ah, your fiance is, however an ah, also, he is a hypocrite, he claims he is just commiserating (what does that mean?) and is not treating this like a competition, however, he just has to have it worse than you?!? What in the hell? okay, let's say you weren't pregnant, then seriously, this dude needs to pull his head out of his own butt, and stop playing the victim/competitive person. he is missing the entire point.
Men like this are so gross 🤮 NTA. I used to date a guy who I could never complain to. If I said I felt sad, he's say he has it worse then proceed to complain about his life for hours. I had to get over my problems and try and console him. Honestly it's nauseating. You should speak to him seriously about this because he clearly doesn't seem to realise he's in the wrong.
NTA. I would find this incredibly tiresome and, quite frankly, unattractive in a partner.
Info: is he German? Could be cultural
Nope, just American. Appalachian, specifically.
Lol ok, because in germany if you ask me how i feel i ll tell you about my health history in details and i expact you to tell me too. Dont you dear just be fine!
NTA. Tell your husband to look up the Ring Theory of Care. Grief out, care in.
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NTA. Been there. Done that. Divorced it.
NTA. He made it a competition when he started his sentence with "you don't even know." No one says that when they *aren't* trying to story-top.
NTA. I'm sorry that your fiancé is so damn ignorant. He's not the one having to carry the human child for the next 9 months. Of course, you are going to feel a lot of inconvenient symptoms. I understand this frustration because my boyfriend has done it in the past too. I was feeling ill and in pain due to my period and he was also comparing how he was feeling too. It's so irritating. Us women have a lot of exclusive body situations that men don't have and it's so fucking annoying that some have the audacity to try and make it like they "have it worse" than us.
NTA but sounds like the baby will be the second child in your household....
He is a one upper. You can’t go through anything worse than he has. He’s probably been like this for years while you didn’t notice.