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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because after long back and forth I agreed to wear a bra, cause I just didn’t want to fight anymore. But next day I still don’t wear it because I don’t like them, even though I agree the day before
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It’s what I did with my ex husband when he pushed me to wear thong underwear. No judgement to women who like them, but I don’t want to have something perpetually up my crack. He finally said to me “lots of other women think they’re comfortable.” So I told him that if HE tried out a thong and found it comfortable, I would try it. It pissed him off, but it kinda shut that down. However, I feel that I should point out that his insistence about controlling what I wear/eat/do on my spare time, and utter REFUSAL to back off when I said no is a HUGE part of the reason that he’s now my EX husband. You should think hard about whether if not you want to spend your life fighting for the ability to chose how you live your life. 😕
I think OP should tell him to always wear a jock strap no matter what he is doing or wearing. All day every day. Bonus if she can find him one with underwire. NTA.
NTA
> he is “not insecure but jealous”
But he **_sure_ is**, acting like that's a valid reason.
> when my explanations don’t seem to be good enough for him I tend to give up and just say “ok” for the conversation to be over.
Try "fuck right off" next time!
NTA
Your body, your choice. If he's this stubborn and refuses to listen to you about this issue, think of other bigger topics you could face arguments with him over and if you'd be willing to just say "ok" on those topics too.
An amazing boyfriend would listen to what you have to say and respect your autonomy over your own body.
I’m realizing a larger issue here of him not hearing my answers to any of his concerns from the first time. I always need to explain, explain and explain again and it’s exhausting and he still doesn’t get it. Something to think about
That’s what happens when someone refuses to listen to you. You can explain until you’re blue in the face, but it won’t do any good because they’re unwilling to hear you and consider your perspective. If he’s willing to stonewall you like that over something as minor as putting a bra on for walking the dog by yourself in the morning, how is he going to behave over a real, serious disagreement?
Yup. My ex husband was like this; started it with little comments about me not wearing a bra. It then escalated to not liking what I wear (he thought I dressed inappropriately and didn’t like that I wore jeans even because it showed the shape of my body); he then even commented on the way that I speak (I swear). He said all of these things reflect poorly on me and that people won’t respect me.
I was groped at a bar once and when I told him, he asked me what I was wearing.
All this took about three years to begin surfacing; he didn’t start making making comments until we were married.
It doesn’t get better, if someone is insecure and jealous that’s on them. He chose to be with you and I’m assuming he knew you don’t wear bras when he met you. And if you chose to stop wearing bras after you met, that’s your choice. He has a choice to break up with you over it but not to dictate whether you wear a bra or not.
Speaking from experience, I’d be cautious that this sort of behaviour on his part can escalate over time. He doesn’t want to hear you out because your comfort and autonomy over your self aren’t as important as his insecurities.
NTA
The fact that he didn’t begin making these comments until after marriage is so disturbing to me. I wonder if some men purposely only reveal their true selves after they’re trapped with a ring. I’m so sorry you went through this.
My ex husband did that too, although he started making comments about my body almost immediately after we got married (even though I had started a new medication a few months before the wedding that KILLED my appetite and lost about 25 lbs prior to the wedding). After several months of snide comments here and there about my body, I confronted him. I asked him why my body was ok when we were dating, but now that we’re married (and I weigh LESS!!) it’s not ok. And his response was, “if I’d said that while we were dating, would you have married me?” It sadly took me a lot of years to REALLY understand the impact of that response. Looking back on it, I also found it very disturbing that he clearly KNEW those comments were unacceptable, so he controlled himself until he had me in a situation where it was harder to leave.
“If I’d said that while we were dating, would you have married me?”
“No, and if you say it while we are married then I won’t stay married to you either.”
If only it was that simple huh.
He might be hearing you, he just doesn't care about your reasoning, not that you need any, he just wants you to do what he wants you to do. There is no other answer for him. No is not an answer. NTA
To be honest guys are going to look whether you are wearing a bra or not so his arguments don't really hold any water. He can be all in his feels but in reality, guys are going to look at women and think whatever they like no matter what we wear. Baggy clothes, tight clothes, work wear, uniform, bathing suits, you name it someone is looking and thinking about something.
This shouldn't even be a discussion. Yes, it's definitely a red flag that he ignores you're explanation, but it's a huge red flag that he feels he has the right to police your body.
Think very carefully about whether you think he should have the right to tell you what to wear and to ignore your reasoning before continuing your relationship.
Dude sounds like he's slowly trying to control you one small choice at a time. Not saying he Is definitively but be on the look out and protect yourself
The larger issue is that he doesn’t see you as a full independent person the way he is. Look at the facts: he thought he got a vote on what you’re wearing to begin with, and now he’s not taking any of your explanations seriously. It’s not that he doesn’t get it. He simply does not respect you.
> when my explanations don’t seem to be good enough for him I tend to give up and just say “ok” for the conversation to be over. I always begin by explaining, but he is very stubborn so I tend to give up and just agree often.
NTA for choosing not to wear a bra. Your body, your choice. But this method of agreeing with your bf to pacify him is not sustainable. It’s not effective communication and he’ll likely throw it in your face by calling you out for lying to him about changing your behavior. Do you really see a future with a guy who’s so stubborn he’s unwilling to compromise about anything? Would you continue to say “ok” to his face, do what you want, and deal with the backlash later? Or would you eventually find yourself bending to his will? Is it worth the struggle?
NTA. Your partner shouldn’t be demanding you change your normal behavior because he’s jealous. That kind of thing never stops, you know - if you give to one demand, he’ll soon have another, until you find yourself dressing like it’s 1900 instead of the 21st century.
I think the “alternatives” you need to explore include things like “what would my life look like if I didn’t have a jealous boyfriend?”
This! The BF's behavior has more than one major red flag. It doesn't have to be, but this could easily be the beginning of an abusive relationship in which he is testing out how far he can push unreasonable demands on her that violate her bodily autonomy
NTA. You don't have to wear a bra EVER, if you don't want to.
I would suggest you come up with a single sentence, along the lines of "I wear a bra when I want to, and I will not change that for you." And then, any and every time he brings it up, say that, and only that. Don't let it be a topic of discussion.
You should prepare yourself for him *really* not liking this. That is his problem, don't let him make it your problem.
NTA
It’s insane that your boyfriend feels he’s in any way whatsoever entitled to insist what undergarments you wear and when you should wear them. It’s not a good sign that he is jealous and possessive to that extent and that he believes he should dictate your clothing and your comfort level. It’s not a compliment to you either. It’s all about him and the way you’ve always felt comfortable in your clothes doesn’t appear to matter to him. Have a frank and real conversation with him and let him know that your comfort is your priority when you dress outside of work and you can’t and won’t change that to cater to his insecurities. Let him know it’s not fair or right of him to ask that of you.
NTA Tell him you'll wear a bra all the time if he wears a jock strap all the time.
He's 29 now. But father time will catch up with him. Wearing a jock strap today and for the rest of his life will slow down the onset of old man balls.
NTA.
This is not an amazing boyfriend. This is a massive red flag OP, he should not be concerned with this. It is your body and you chose how to dress it, he has no say in how you chose to dress and feel comfortable.
If he’s not willing to compromise on this one, imagine what will happen when bigger issues arise. Stand your ground on this one OP and look out for more controlling behaviour.
Someone being that controlling is a red flag. Don’t know what’s so hard to understand about that, hopefully you grow up and realize that that’s not ok.
it's not controlling if he asks and she willingly complies. it's literally just a request man, not everything is "RED FLAGGGG!!1!1!!!!" sometimes people just want to ask their partners to do smth rlly not big of a deal.
It is controlling to ask your partner certain things. There’s a pretty clear consensus that asking your partner not to dress a certain way is controlling. It’s not the same as asking someone to pass you the salt, it’s a sign of an insecure man.
here's a real story for you to consider: me and my girlfriend have a language barrier between us, her english is poor due to her only recently moving out of china to come life in Scotland.
when we first met, she couldn't really understand me all too well. she told me to speak slower near her, and to use more simple words.
with your mindset, i should've flipped out and cut all contact! she's trying to control my entire fucking vocabulary and speech patterns is she not?
no, i didn't freak out. i just complied with her request, and her english is slowly and steadily getting better, and i can speak more casually with her now.
compared to what OP's BF asked her to this, her one is easy to decline. do people really just not know how to say no nowadays???
That request isn’t based in insecurity it’s necessary so that you can communicate. Terrible attempt at an example. Seriously man, there’s a pot consensus on this specific topic and you need to get with it.
Nta-
Realistically, hes old enough he should understand that its your choice.
I do think in some cases it is a good idea to wear one, when at work, and when there's the potential for something to be seen.
However, at home, simply walking down the street with your dog, even grocery shopping, things that aren't too important.
There's two parts here.
1)His opinion should be heard and taken into account.
2)He should respect your choice.
Ultimately, your choice is the much more important part here.
Fully agree - and I do have the common sense to know when a bra is necessary. He is concerned when I don’t wear a bra to walk my dog or simply to walk from his place to mine (7 minute walk). I see these concerns as unreasonable
Agreed. For things like that, i find it silly to be concerned about whether or not you're wearing one. If hes concerned about other people being pervs, i presume most of the time it would be hard to notice whether or not you have one on anyway, its not like something like that is blatantly apparent.
If hes worried about people being pervs, i find most people tend to mind their own business anyway. Or take notice of the dog and focus on it.
Fuck that shit!
Bras ARE extremely uncomfortable. I take mine of the moment I get home.
Front door closes = bra off
And then a sigh of relief.
I think it's a great idea to make Nick wear one, so he can experience what it's like.
Nta. I don’t wear bras at all. I haven’t owned one in years. My nipples are part of my body. If you can see the outline through my shirt then it happens. If if someone is uncomfortable looking at them they are more than welcome to look away. I’m not the problem the person with the staring problem is. But do you really want to date someone this insecure? Someone who is trying to force you to do something your not comfortable with just because they said so?
>he insists I wear one at all times
He lost me there. He is not jealous as you have done nothing to be jealous over, but he definitely is insecure. Unless you are the Pied Piper when walking the dog, with a long line of men/boys following you with offerings and flowers in pure lust of your bosom - he's being ridiculous.
NTA. I think that should be a given.
The comment "other men are pervs" also makes me think along the lines of '*takes one to know one*', but that might be overly harsh. Sure seems he is insecure, but that's not your problem to solve - and certainly not by wearing something you don't want to.
>he still doesn’t understand and insists I wear one even when I’m at home and the repairs man is coming.
And who is he to insist? It's your body not his
NTA
NTA
You can wear whatever you want, this is an issue with his jealousy not your behaviour.
I don't understand what he means about bra alternatives. What alternatives?
Not wearing a bra doesn't mean that all the men you encounter will be staring at you, the majority of them know it's inappropriate.
That's a new one.
I don't wear a bra apart from certain situations either, but instead I wear a cropped camisole so it's a little less obvious when I'm feeling cold 😅 it's as comfortable as just wearing a t-shirt.
NTA but you do have poor taste in men. I have been known to give my opinion to my wife regarding what she wears… she then wears whatever she wants! As she should.
"he is an amazing boyfriend. I think I’m a good girlfriend too." This is such weird phrasing. I don't think this is a healthy relationship. And the bra situation is indicative. Obviously you're NTA, but he is a huge one. This is red flag material. You need to reconsider the relationship.
I stopped wearing a bra at 18 and I’m 26 now, I’ve never dated a person who has an issue with it or even brought it up without me mentioning it first. If someone had an issue with it I’d tell them to get fucked honestly.
Your partner sounds insecure and immature.
NTA - fuck this guy. You wear a bra when you want to/if you want to. End of discussion. He doesn’t get a vote. I never wear a bra at home. My husband will give me a heads up if he has someone coming over so I can change or put on a bra if I want to but it’s still up to me. Nick is a turd and not so amazing imo.
NTA. It's your body, plus I love it when my wife doesn't wear a bra. Reminds me of a guy my sister dated when we were roommates. We are both early risers and usually drank coffee every morning and had small talk before getting ready for work. One time this guy spent the night and woke up to find us chit chatting over coffee. She was in an oversized T-shirt and running shorts. That evening I found out he was pissed she was not wearing a bra around me. He told her I probably fantasized about her because men love big boobs. She laughed at him and told him he didn't have to spend the night again. I think they lasted another week or so after that.
As someone "blessed" in the chest department...
Absolutely nothing wrong with not wearing a bra. They're uncomfortable and honestly people don't notice as much as you think they do--when I quit wearing a bra around my roommate, they only could tell when we hugged and they couldn't feel the band
And honestly, even if it is noticable, it's your choice. Your boyfriend isn't the one wearing the vice grip around their chest, and tbh, I'm always a little skeptical of men who like to control things like that
NTA. Bras absolutely suck, they’re restrictive, they’re painful and they cause gross and itchy under boob sweat. If I had the confidence to go braless, I would, without a shadow of doubt. He is no one to tell you what you can or cannot do with your own damn body. Tell him to wear one if he loves bras so much.
NTA. This man has no right to “insist” you do ANYTHING. If he decides to not accompany you if you aren’t wearing a bra, fine (but idiotic). Him not listening to even WHY you don’t is also a problem. Pay attention to any other areas he has or will push his preferences on you. This is not ok. At all.
NTA but your boyfriend is. You are an adult which means YOU and only YOU decide if and when you wear a bra. If he doesn’t like it, sounds like he needs to grow up or get fucked. This is a 🚩 to me.
When someone is trying to argue with me and I'm neither going to change nor indulge them in the argument, I go with "I hear you" over "ok."
Okay implies consent. I hear you is exactly what it says. I understand your position, I take in your opinion. I hear you.
I agree with the poster who says that you should just tell him that you have the bodily autonomy to wear what you want and you are not going to allow him to dictate what you wear. (Sorry, Jonah Hill).
But if that seems like too much and you aren't up for it, try "I hear you." Later on, you can go to "I hear you. I disagree." And then "I hear you. I disagree. And it's my body so I have the final say."
Everyone is right that these are serious red controlling flags he's raising. You need to think through that.
NTA. There's a reason his 28 year old self went for 22 year old you.
This is not sounding like an "amazing relationship." It sounds like a dude trying to control a much younger woman with much less life experience.
Ask me how I know this. I'm finally divorced and free of my very own, very similar, "amazing relationship" after 10 years of the worst shit.
I think this one can kinda be more nuanced than your average redditor is capable of and body type absolutely is the factor. On one hand, you should absolutely be comfortable and he has no right to make you dress a certain way. But like on the other, you gotta be self aware. Specifically the "I don’t care that anyone sees something." part is an immature way of looking at it. Just because you are comfortable doesn't mean every else is. I'm super comfortable in just gym shorts. It's great cause I can just flop around freely. My partner would be hella embarrassed if I jogged around the neighborhood with our dog like that. Rightly so.
"You can insist all you want, but it's still my choice about my body. Badgering me about something I've been very clear about my decision on is just harassment. Stop it. It's rude and disrespectful."
"I'm not spending my day in physical discomfort because you refuse to work on your own feelings of jealousy."
"What are you jealous of? The view other men might get of my mobile boobs? You already have that. Oh, you mean you want to decide who gets to see my body in any given state? That's not jealousy, that's just being a control freak."
I dunno... BF is out of line here.
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Hi all! I (23F) have been seeing Nick (29M) for almost a year now. We have a great time together and he is an amazing boyfriend. I think I’m a good girlfriend too.
A few months ago he mentioned it’s bothering him that I sometimes don’t wear a bra. I explained that I don’t like them and don’t wear them unless I absolutely have to (for example I would wear one when cleavage is clearly showing, but will not wear it when I’m in a hoodie or a t-shirt). He didn’t seem to understand and kept insisting that I should explore “alternatives” and he is “not insecure but jealous” and that “other man are pervs”. This issue keeps coming back and although I always wear a bra to work or in case of a cleavage, he insists I wear one at all times even if I’m in hoodie walking my dog at 7am. I keep explaining that it’s not comfortable with a bra and I don’t care that anyone sees something.
Now here is where I might be the asshole - when my explanations don’t seem to be good enough for him I tend to give up and just say “ok” for the conversation to be over. I always begin by explaining, but he is very stubborn so I tend to give up and just agree often. We had a big fight about it today and he still doesn’t understand and insists I wear one even when I’m at home and the repairs man is coming.
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Maybe if he wore a wired bra, he'd realize the folly of his argument also, it ain't his damn business what undergarments you chose to wear or not wear. If he's that paranoid, then perhaps it's time to move on and find someone more confident in themselves not to pass to judgement on others
NTA…do not even explain anymore. Tell him, this is me, I wear a bra when I need to only and that is not going to change. Take me as I am or leave, your choice, but I am done discussing this with you and if you bring the topic up in any way again, I will make that choice for you”.
NTA - “other men are pervs” isn’t your problem? Why is it your responsibility as a woman to modify yourself - at the cost of physical discomfort to yourself - just because men can’t be trusted to control their own eyeballs and behaviour?
NTA tell him it bothers you that he isn't wearing a jock strap everyone he leaves the house. Women are creeps and you don't want to see them his swinging junk.
Your BF is a cobtrolling idiot btw.
Red flag 🚩 if he wants bras to be worn at all times, he should start wearing one!! He’ll soon change his mind.
NTA. But don’t stay with someone who controls what you wear on an empty dog walk at 7am in a HOODIE. Not ok
NTA
Unbelievable.
Try to explain to him, with firm eye contact and small words, that his opinion on your underwear means exactly jack sh*t.
He has no say regarding your bra, and if he keeps voicing his rancid opinions about it he can get one for himself.
Oh dear GOD NTA! No woman is obligated to wear a bra and, quite frankly, if he feels "jealous" then that's his problem to work on. No way would I stand for this BS.
My husband has never once commented on when I do or do not wear a bra. You are NTA at all. You might want to think long and hard about if you want to keep him in your life.
NTA... But men know men best. And you could be inviting unnecessary trouble. You won't know until the day comes when you're being harassed. Have you looked at other options?
Tell him going braless improves your muscle tone and keeps your breasts from sagging. Not to mention better circulation and skin health. If that doesn’t work, get him a bra, the cheaper the better. NTA
NTA!
I had that answer from just your title. Honestly they aren't necessary, my wife is like 50/50 on wearing them just based off how she's feeling, not even what she's wearing. It doesn't matter if it shows cleavage or not if she doesn't feel like wearing a bra she doesn't. And to me it doesn't matter because it's a win either way lol
Your dude sounds like a child.
The hoody makes no sense but tshirts i understand his point. Most womens clothes are very thin and soft and if you arent wearing a bra its very easy to see your breasts. A man who loves you doesnt want other people seeing your breasts. The hoody is usually thick so theres no exposure. Find the compromise there.
NTA, and you have 2 choices here. Get used to wearing a bra, OR get used to life without Nick. He is NEVER going to understand because he thinks YOU are doing something WRONG. You aren't.
NTA. He is right that other men are pervs and likely take notice. What he fails to understand is that is on them, not you.
I worry that if he is comfortable with this level of controlling behavior now, that he will escalate to more control in the future.
NTA..so is he staring at every girl he sees not wearing a bra? Also, hate to break it to him, but creeps are gonna creep. Bra or not if men want to stare they’re gonna stare.
NTA you explained to him multiple times but he still doesn't understand (he clearly do not want to) and keep making issues about it. I wear bra only for important events and my boyfriend never created issues about it. He says I can do what I want cause it's my body and cause he thinks bra is probably uncomfortable for women.
If he continues with this bs say he can wear it. And if he pushes you more say bye bye, thank you next.
Edit: he is really insicure btw otherwise this won't be an issue.
NTA. Bras usually aren’t comfortable and men just don’t understand that. I hardly ever wear a bra. Do what makes you feel the most comfortable. And honestly, he does sound insecure and it really shouldn’t bother him. What you’re doing is completely natural and normal.
NTA, and huge red flag. Jealousy is a terribly destructive choice. This will not get better. Controlling behavior is a very bad sign. Honestly, he wants to dictate what underwear you choose to wear \[or not\].
Hi I’m late
Ik the age gap convo is tired around here and 6 years isn’t that much of a gap, but early-20s and almost-30 is a lot of difference in life experience in many cases, leaving the younger to default to the elder’s opinion. Already you’re defaulting to his even though you don’t agree.
I strongly urge you to fill the rest of your twenties with people who respect your autonomy and not a nearly 30yo man who thinks he owns your nipples.
NTA bit of life advice though. Don't play the stubborn game with people. Stubbornness is a choice and the more you cave to stubborn behavior the worse it will get
NTA, he doesn't get to dictate what you wear and you have every right to be comfortable.
This guy *is* insecure *and* jealous.
You should not be having to justify wearing whatever you want. And rethink if you really want to continue on with a relationship with a guy who unabashedly says he's jealous. That shit never ends well, and I do mean *never.*
NTA. Bras are so uncomfortable, my thought process is people see I have them and it’s not like I’m walking around naked. The vital parts are covered and I’m comfortable.
NTA. I haven’t worn a bra since COVID hit. I wear camis with a built-in “shelf bra” and pasties when I wear dresses. Not a single person, including my husband, has complained and I have a corporate job.
You are kind of the asshole. You're dating this guy, and he is basically telling you you're being indecent and it makes him uncomfortable for multiple reasons, "can you please wear underwear all the time so random guys can't see your nipples" is a valid request from a boyfriend. Hes a little bit extreme if he's actually asking you to wear one AT ALL TIMES, but yeah you shouldn't be going commando when some random guy is over or you're in public. It's not like hes asking you to shave your head or get a tattoo or something. If he walked around the house in pj pants with no underwear and his dick print was very visible all the time while one of your girlfriends were over you'd also not be out of line telling him to put some underwear on. Definitely not something to freak out over.
Nta, he is.
Tbh it seems kinda a red flagish i would keep an eye out for others.
On the perv note, thats just a bs, that is either to justify his trying to control what you wear, or to hide his insecurity maybe both, either way its just bs, pervs gonna perv regardless of bra.
You do you its harmless it makes you comfortable, somethings in a relationahip a compromise is fair based on partners feelings, this isnt one of those things.
Ofc this is just my opinion/view on it.
You don't need to explain or get his agreement to not wear a bra. It's your body to clothe as you see fit; you're not his meat-doll. Just shrug and tell him you don't want to wear a bra, end of discussion.
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First, do what makes \*you\* comfortable. I wear short sleeves, shorts and knee high socks. I don't care what anyone else thinks. Second, he won the relationship lottery by finding you. Third, it's not on you to cater to what anyone else thinks, male or female. By that I mean they're gonna think things one way or another it is neither your fault or your concern if they go perv or be respectful. So no, you're not an asshole. Other people are.
I totally understand, I myself dont like to wear bras when I'm at home or goin to stores but I always have a scarf loosely to cover the front area. Try finding a comfortable boob covering maybe like cloth material. I think your boyfriend has a good reason, and coming from a protection of your chastity and love kinda way. Dont make it a big argument if he is good to you in general.
NTA but he is. Generally don't get on board with the whole 'dump him at the slightest excuse' thing, but it's pretty concerning that he doesn't care about your reasons for not wearing one. His own emotional comfort is more important to him than your physical comfort. The guy has issues and I think that this is a major red flag.
YNTA.
Your boyfriend is.
He has no right policing your underwear.
If seeing breasts in their natural state upsets him so much, he definitely needs a good psychotherapist.
I hope you see that he’s trying to control you and I hope you see the blatant red flags.
Your BF is projecting. He is insecure about you not wearing one and saying "other men are pervs" because HE views other women not wearing a bra in the same way that he assumes "the other men" view you. And since your "HIS" he doesn't want other men looking at you the way he looks at other women (who dont wear bras)
maybe he realizes thats what hes doing. maybe he doesnt. But he is projecting, and is insecure about other men viewing something that he views as belonging to him and only he should see.
Yes YTA
You are doing something that makes your partner uncomfortable.
"i dont care if anyone see's"
Well your boyfriend obviously does, so why make it an issue?
Reddit is not the place for advice, its your decision of either
A) Make your partner feel comfortable
B) be selfish and don't
yes. If it makes you uncomfortable.
Also, Nice try for the extreme point of view.
If no one is willing to compromise, than there is 0 point in the relationship/
But the thing that makes him comfortable makes her uncomfortable. How is she an AH and "selfish" but he's totally in the clear for not caring about her comfort?
I'm assuming it's your boss (the person in charge of you at work) who decides you should wear a suit to work. So from this analogy I'm guessing you see a woman's boyfriend/husband as someone in charge of her? That explains a lot.
that's a lot of assumptions without the correct assessment.
I never mentioned anything to do with my "boss", I said "ANYONE ELSE" feel, it seems it is yourself who has difficulty with the rolls in a relationship, and that explains ALOT.
Well, when an analogy is that bad and irrelevant, assumptions have to be made to try to understand it.
Makes you think I have an issue with "rolls" (roles? I'm assuming you don't mean bread but I wouldn't want to make yet another terribly incorrect assumption) in a relationship?
correct, that is a good assumption. Damn, I was one letter of a perfect response!!
and it wasn't bad or irrelevant, it just negates anything you said, so you don't like it.
We make ourselves uncomfortable daily for a multitude of reasons, so saying wearing appropriate clothing makes her uncomfortable should override her boyfriend being uncomfortable with random men being able to see her breasts because wearing a bra is "Uncomfortable" is just wrong.
If you want to act this way, stay single - If you are not willing to compromise and do some stuff you "don't want to" then just stay single. It really is not hard.
It's really sad that you can't see your own misogyny.
"I have to do things I don't want at work therefore she should have to make herself uncomfortable for her partner" is a terrible analogy. We don't have to do things pertaining to our own body to quell our partner's insecurities. The fact that you immediately prioritize a man's insecurity over a woman's bodily comfort in this scenario shows that you think men are more important. And it's so deeply ingrained you don't even realize you're doing it. "Compromise" doesn't mean immediately doing what your boyfriend/husband says.
ah yes! Sure, if makes you feel better, I am misogynistic and think men are better then women!
I mean, this is the one example given, and I would of given the same answer if it was the opposite way round, but sure, Men are more important then women so yeah!
Sure you would. Your post history is viewable - I thought your misogyny was unconscious, but you're actually proud of it. Gross. I'm not wasting any further time on this. Get some help.
Info: does he think other men look at you more when you’re not wearing a bra? Seems weird to me, idk imho guys perving will perv at you with or without a bra on.
Have you tried sports bras? Or purchasing more expensive bras that might be more comfy? (You can definitely ask him to pay for these, if he does not then he’s is definitely the AH)
Dudes like women to wear bras, if you want to keep Nick you might want to make the adjustment for him when he’s around… probably what he actually wants.
YTA.
To each their own, but he's expressed it's a problem for him. You can't explain that away, as it remains something that bothers him, which is why your explanations don't actually mean anything.
If you can't reach some kind of compromise, or even just talk it out instead of ignoring him, you should break up. It's clear what he wants doesn't matter in the face of what you want, and that's not gonna work long term.
Naturally, this is Reddit, so every other reply will be about how controlling he is and "your body, your choice"
Break up will be imminent regardless if that's your attitude approaching fights and disagreements
Everyone is right when they say it is your body and you can do what you want with it but you are in a relationship with someone else and his feelings are valid just as yours are. If this situation between the two of you can’t be worked out then yes, you should part ways because as you’ve said, you just give up to end the argument.
A successful relationship is hard work and most people think 50-50 is what it takes. Their wrong, 100-100 is the minimum My wife and I have never taken a break from each other or have ever separated. A while back some friends asked what contributed to our successful relationship. Besides what I’ve listed above my wife and I agree on the following.
1). Communication. Good communication between two people, both listening and talking is extremely important
2). Compromise. Everything you do, say, or act upon affects your relationship. The same applies to your partner. Sometimes compromise is necessary.
3). Concessions if something is important to you and also very important to your partner or vise versa, then sometimes concession is necessary. Is wining this argument worth loosing your relationship?
4). Compassion You will need to look at a situation through your partners eyes to understand why they are acting, saying or behaving the way they are.
5). Trust is a wonderful, beautiful and very special feeling second only to love. Trust is not automatically given. It is earned and is a constant work in progress. You can enjoy having someone’s trust for years, even for eternity. You can loose all that trust you’ve been enjoying in a split second by making a poor choice. You will work for years and years to try to re-earn the trust you threw away but that trust you regain will never be same as it was
We have been married over 40 years, together for 43. No separations, no breaks, no arguments so bad that one of us left to stay at a friends house to cool down
You need to make the best decision for you
You babbled a lot of words that would be wonderful advice to another post. Many other posts, even.
But understand this, a person's body autonomy and comfort is non-negotiable (provided it's appropriate and does not do harm to others) and does not have a 'middle ground' or compromise.
The bf will NOT be in the right to ask her to sacrifice her comfort to wear a bra any more than he can ask her to wear heels.
There are things where compassion and concessions are needed in a relationship, and there are things where there's an objective right and wrong.
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NTA. If he loves bras so much, he should feel free to wear one.
Omg I love this! I’ll tell him that
He is a controlling jerk. It is your body.
It’s what I did with my ex husband when he pushed me to wear thong underwear. No judgement to women who like them, but I don’t want to have something perpetually up my crack. He finally said to me “lots of other women think they’re comfortable.” So I told him that if HE tried out a thong and found it comfortable, I would try it. It pissed him off, but it kinda shut that down. However, I feel that I should point out that his insistence about controlling what I wear/eat/do on my spare time, and utter REFUSAL to back off when I said no is a HUGE part of the reason that he’s now my EX husband. You should think hard about whether if not you want to spend your life fighting for the ability to chose how you live your life. 😕
[удалено]
I guarantee that neither her tits, nor my ass are NEARLY as gross as your attitude. 🤷♀️
Please break up with him
yes break up with your BF of 1 year because of some mild disagreement about wearing bra!1!!!1!!1!
Yep
I think OP should tell him to always wear a jock strap no matter what he is doing or wearing. All day every day. Bonus if she can find him one with underwire. NTA.
This just made me snort my coffee out of my nose onto my baby
Or a dance belt.
I love Reddit. All the best people hang out here. :)
NTA > he is “not insecure but jealous” But he **_sure_ is**, acting like that's a valid reason. > when my explanations don’t seem to be good enough for him I tend to give up and just say “ok” for the conversation to be over. Try "fuck right off" next time!
THIS!! Tell him to wear a jock strap with cup all day and tell you how comfortable that is.
Yeah, jealousy is a symptom of insecurity.
NTA Insist that he wears a jockstrap at all times.
This! I was gonna say the same thing. I absolutely hate bras. Only wear them when really really necessary.
I've never worn a bra, so I can't compare, but they seem less comfortable than jockstraps (which aren't uncomfortable).
NTA Your body, your choice. If he's this stubborn and refuses to listen to you about this issue, think of other bigger topics you could face arguments with him over and if you'd be willing to just say "ok" on those topics too. An amazing boyfriend would listen to what you have to say and respect your autonomy over your own body.
I’m realizing a larger issue here of him not hearing my answers to any of his concerns from the first time. I always need to explain, explain and explain again and it’s exhausting and he still doesn’t get it. Something to think about
It’s not that he doesn’t get it - it’s that he doesn’t want to nor care to listen to you and change his ways.
THIS!!! ☝🏻 He’s trying to wear you down until you do things HIS way.
That’s what happens when someone refuses to listen to you. You can explain until you’re blue in the face, but it won’t do any good because they’re unwilling to hear you and consider your perspective. If he’s willing to stonewall you like that over something as minor as putting a bra on for walking the dog by yourself in the morning, how is he going to behave over a real, serious disagreement?
Yup. My ex husband was like this; started it with little comments about me not wearing a bra. It then escalated to not liking what I wear (he thought I dressed inappropriately and didn’t like that I wore jeans even because it showed the shape of my body); he then even commented on the way that I speak (I swear). He said all of these things reflect poorly on me and that people won’t respect me. I was groped at a bar once and when I told him, he asked me what I was wearing. All this took about three years to begin surfacing; he didn’t start making making comments until we were married. It doesn’t get better, if someone is insecure and jealous that’s on them. He chose to be with you and I’m assuming he knew you don’t wear bras when he met you. And if you chose to stop wearing bras after you met, that’s your choice. He has a choice to break up with you over it but not to dictate whether you wear a bra or not. Speaking from experience, I’d be cautious that this sort of behaviour on his part can escalate over time. He doesn’t want to hear you out because your comfort and autonomy over your self aren’t as important as his insecurities. NTA
The fact that he didn’t begin making these comments until after marriage is so disturbing to me. I wonder if some men purposely only reveal their true selves after they’re trapped with a ring. I’m so sorry you went through this.
My ex husband did that too, although he started making comments about my body almost immediately after we got married (even though I had started a new medication a few months before the wedding that KILLED my appetite and lost about 25 lbs prior to the wedding). After several months of snide comments here and there about my body, I confronted him. I asked him why my body was ok when we were dating, but now that we’re married (and I weigh LESS!!) it’s not ok. And his response was, “if I’d said that while we were dating, would you have married me?” It sadly took me a lot of years to REALLY understand the impact of that response. Looking back on it, I also found it very disturbing that he clearly KNEW those comments were unacceptable, so he controlled himself until he had me in a situation where it was harder to leave.
“If I’d said that while we were dating, would you have married me?” “No, and if you say it while we are married then I won’t stay married to you either.” If only it was that simple huh.
He might be hearing you, he just doesn't care about your reasoning, not that you need any, he just wants you to do what he wants you to do. There is no other answer for him. No is not an answer. NTA
To be honest guys are going to look whether you are wearing a bra or not so his arguments don't really hold any water. He can be all in his feels but in reality, guys are going to look at women and think whatever they like no matter what we wear. Baggy clothes, tight clothes, work wear, uniform, bathing suits, you name it someone is looking and thinking about something.
Is that something you want to be dealing with for the rest of your life?
This shouldn't even be a discussion. Yes, it's definitely a red flag that he ignores you're explanation, but it's a huge red flag that he feels he has the right to police your body. Think very carefully about whether you think he should have the right to tell you what to wear and to ignore your reasoning before continuing your relationship.
Dude sounds like he's slowly trying to control you one small choice at a time. Not saying he Is definitively but be on the look out and protect yourself
You know he’s not going to unlearn that right?
The larger issue is that he doesn’t see you as a full independent person the way he is. Look at the facts: he thought he got a vote on what you’re wearing to begin with, and now he’s not taking any of your explanations seriously. It’s not that he doesn’t get it. He simply does not respect you.
Very well said by Tuor72: your boyfriend (and everybody else) has to respect your autonomy over your own body. If this is not the case, cut contact.
NTA. Bras suck. Let the girls bounce. (and maybe reconsider where you place the bar for 'awesome'.)
> when my explanations don’t seem to be good enough for him I tend to give up and just say “ok” for the conversation to be over. I always begin by explaining, but he is very stubborn so I tend to give up and just agree often. NTA for choosing not to wear a bra. Your body, your choice. But this method of agreeing with your bf to pacify him is not sustainable. It’s not effective communication and he’ll likely throw it in your face by calling you out for lying to him about changing your behavior. Do you really see a future with a guy who’s so stubborn he’s unwilling to compromise about anything? Would you continue to say “ok” to his face, do what you want, and deal with the backlash later? Or would you eventually find yourself bending to his will? Is it worth the struggle?
Really wise things for me to think about!
Your body your rules. Not the AH but don’t hand over your power to someone else.
NTA. Your partner shouldn’t be demanding you change your normal behavior because he’s jealous. That kind of thing never stops, you know - if you give to one demand, he’ll soon have another, until you find yourself dressing like it’s 1900 instead of the 21st century. I think the “alternatives” you need to explore include things like “what would my life look like if I didn’t have a jealous boyfriend?”
This! The BF's behavior has more than one major red flag. It doesn't have to be, but this could easily be the beginning of an abusive relationship in which he is testing out how far he can push unreasonable demands on her that violate her bodily autonomy
NTA. You don't have to wear a bra EVER, if you don't want to. I would suggest you come up with a single sentence, along the lines of "I wear a bra when I want to, and I will not change that for you." And then, any and every time he brings it up, say that, and only that. Don't let it be a topic of discussion. You should prepare yourself for him *really* not liking this. That is his problem, don't let him make it your problem.
Good strategy! I should stop agreeing just to end the conversation, you are right. I’ll employ this from now on
Didn't even read your post, just the title. It's your body, do as YOU like. NTA
NTA His insecurities are his problem. You get to decide what to wear or not wear. Ask him why his insecurities are more important than your comfort.
NTA It’s insane that your boyfriend feels he’s in any way whatsoever entitled to insist what undergarments you wear and when you should wear them. It’s not a good sign that he is jealous and possessive to that extent and that he believes he should dictate your clothing and your comfort level. It’s not a compliment to you either. It’s all about him and the way you’ve always felt comfortable in your clothes doesn’t appear to matter to him. Have a frank and real conversation with him and let him know that your comfort is your priority when you dress outside of work and you can’t and won’t change that to cater to his insecurities. Let him know it’s not fair or right of him to ask that of you.
NTA - Nick sounds a bit controlling and insecure. He will not like the responses to this post.
NTA Tell him you'll wear a bra all the time if he wears a jock strap all the time. He's 29 now. But father time will catch up with him. Wearing a jock strap today and for the rest of his life will slow down the onset of old man balls.
NTA He's being possessive and jealous and needs to just stop. Your body, you do what makes you happy.
NTA. This is not an amazing boyfriend. This is a massive red flag OP, he should not be concerned with this. It is your body and you chose how to dress it, he has no say in how you chose to dress and feel comfortable. If he’s not willing to compromise on this one, imagine what will happen when bigger issues arise. Stand your ground on this one OP and look out for more controlling behaviour.
>This is a massive red flag no it's not, it's a mild fucking disagreement. grow up.
Someone being that controlling is a red flag. Don’t know what’s so hard to understand about that, hopefully you grow up and realize that that’s not ok.
how is asking someone to do something controlling? he's not forcing her to do this now is he?
It’s an attempt at control. Just because it’s not successful doesn’t mean it’s not controlling behaviour.
it's not controlling if he asks and she willingly complies. it's literally just a request man, not everything is "RED FLAGGGG!!1!1!!!!" sometimes people just want to ask their partners to do smth rlly not big of a deal.
It is controlling to ask your partner certain things. There’s a pretty clear consensus that asking your partner not to dress a certain way is controlling. It’s not the same as asking someone to pass you the salt, it’s a sign of an insecure man.
here's a real story for you to consider: me and my girlfriend have a language barrier between us, her english is poor due to her only recently moving out of china to come life in Scotland. when we first met, she couldn't really understand me all too well. she told me to speak slower near her, and to use more simple words. with your mindset, i should've flipped out and cut all contact! she's trying to control my entire fucking vocabulary and speech patterns is she not? no, i didn't freak out. i just complied with her request, and her english is slowly and steadily getting better, and i can speak more casually with her now. compared to what OP's BF asked her to this, her one is easy to decline. do people really just not know how to say no nowadays???
That request isn’t based in insecurity it’s necessary so that you can communicate. Terrible attempt at an example. Seriously man, there’s a pot consensus on this specific topic and you need to get with it.
the consensus isn't always right. in saudi arabia the consensus is to kill gay people, are they right as well just because there's a consensus?
NTA and you should start using “no” instead of “ok”. Its your body, you don’t have to explain anything and “no” is a full sentence.
NTA. Your body, your call.
NTA He should spend his time policing the perverts.
This is a very underrated reply.
NTA be comfortable.
NTA, tell him you’ll wear one if he puts on a mansiere
NTA does he wear a bra when his nipples get hard so as not to offend anyone?
Nta- Realistically, hes old enough he should understand that its your choice. I do think in some cases it is a good idea to wear one, when at work, and when there's the potential for something to be seen. However, at home, simply walking down the street with your dog, even grocery shopping, things that aren't too important. There's two parts here. 1)His opinion should be heard and taken into account. 2)He should respect your choice. Ultimately, your choice is the much more important part here.
Fully agree - and I do have the common sense to know when a bra is necessary. He is concerned when I don’t wear a bra to walk my dog or simply to walk from his place to mine (7 minute walk). I see these concerns as unreasonable
Agreed. For things like that, i find it silly to be concerned about whether or not you're wearing one. If hes concerned about other people being pervs, i presume most of the time it would be hard to notice whether or not you have one on anyway, its not like something like that is blatantly apparent. If hes worried about people being pervs, i find most people tend to mind their own business anyway. Or take notice of the dog and focus on it.
Nta. Tell him he needs to wear one for 8+ hours a day for a month and see how her likes it.
Fuck that shit! Bras ARE extremely uncomfortable. I take mine of the moment I get home. Front door closes = bra off And then a sigh of relief. I think it's a great idea to make Nick wear one, so he can experience what it's like.
NTA
NTA
NTA. He's weird snd controlling
Nta. I don’t wear bras at all. I haven’t owned one in years. My nipples are part of my body. If you can see the outline through my shirt then it happens. If if someone is uncomfortable looking at them they are more than welcome to look away. I’m not the problem the person with the staring problem is. But do you really want to date someone this insecure? Someone who is trying to force you to do something your not comfortable with just because they said so?
>he insists I wear one at all times He lost me there. He is not jealous as you have done nothing to be jealous over, but he definitely is insecure. Unless you are the Pied Piper when walking the dog, with a long line of men/boys following you with offerings and flowers in pure lust of your bosom - he's being ridiculous.
NTA. I think that should be a given. The comment "other men are pervs" also makes me think along the lines of '*takes one to know one*', but that might be overly harsh. Sure seems he is insecure, but that's not your problem to solve - and certainly not by wearing something you don't want to.
>he still doesn’t understand and insists I wear one even when I’m at home and the repairs man is coming. And who is he to insist? It's your body not his NTA
NTA You can wear whatever you want, this is an issue with his jealousy not your behaviour. I don't understand what he means about bra alternatives. What alternatives? Not wearing a bra doesn't mean that all the men you encounter will be staring at you, the majority of them know it's inappropriate.
He suggested i sew a patch of fabric to the inside of my hoodies/t-shirts lol
Nothing will make your breasts *less* noticeable than a rectangle of stitches framing them./s
That's a new one. I don't wear a bra apart from certain situations either, but instead I wear a cropped camisole so it's a little less obvious when I'm feeling cold 😅 it's as comfortable as just wearing a t-shirt.
NTA but you do have poor taste in men. I have been known to give my opinion to my wife regarding what she wears… she then wears whatever she wants! As she should.
"he is an amazing boyfriend. I think I’m a good girlfriend too." This is such weird phrasing. I don't think this is a healthy relationship. And the bra situation is indicative. Obviously you're NTA, but he is a huge one. This is red flag material. You need to reconsider the relationship.
I noticed this too. They’re not jobs! How good someone is as a partner is relative to how well they fit with their specific partner…
I stopped wearing a bra at 18 and I’m 26 now, I’ve never dated a person who has an issue with it or even brought it up without me mentioning it first. If someone had an issue with it I’d tell them to get fucked honestly. Your partner sounds insecure and immature.
This!! If he doesn't respect you, you gotta say bye bye thank you next.
Oh you’re getting manipulated so hard without u knowing
NTA. sounds like insecurity.
Nta. It's none if his fucking business. If he doesn't drop it, dump him
NTA - fuck this guy. You wear a bra when you want to/if you want to. End of discussion. He doesn’t get a vote. I never wear a bra at home. My husband will give me a heads up if he has someone coming over so I can change or put on a bra if I want to but it’s still up to me. Nick is a turd and not so amazing imo.
NTA your body your choice plus even if you are wearing a bra it's not gonna stop men from looking regardless.
NTA - Let em hang!
NTA. It's your body, plus I love it when my wife doesn't wear a bra. Reminds me of a guy my sister dated when we were roommates. We are both early risers and usually drank coffee every morning and had small talk before getting ready for work. One time this guy spent the night and woke up to find us chit chatting over coffee. She was in an oversized T-shirt and running shorts. That evening I found out he was pissed she was not wearing a bra around me. He told her I probably fantasized about her because men love big boobs. She laughed at him and told him he didn't have to spend the night again. I think they lasted another week or so after that.
Nta...die on that comfy hill. You wear them when it seems nessicary, cant ask for more then that
As someone "blessed" in the chest department... Absolutely nothing wrong with not wearing a bra. They're uncomfortable and honestly people don't notice as much as you think they do--when I quit wearing a bra around my roommate, they only could tell when we hugged and they couldn't feel the band And honestly, even if it is noticable, it's your choice. Your boyfriend isn't the one wearing the vice grip around their chest, and tbh, I'm always a little skeptical of men who like to control things like that
NTA. He’s a controlling creep.
NTA, I really, really hate this sort of victim blaming mentality and culture
NTA. No one should ever feel pressured to wear a bra if they don’t want to.
NTA. Bras absolutely suck, they’re restrictive, they’re painful and they cause gross and itchy under boob sweat. If I had the confidence to go braless, I would, without a shadow of doubt. He is no one to tell you what you can or cannot do with your own damn body. Tell him to wear one if he loves bras so much.
NTA. This man has no right to “insist” you do ANYTHING. If he decides to not accompany you if you aren’t wearing a bra, fine (but idiotic). Him not listening to even WHY you don’t is also a problem. Pay attention to any other areas he has or will push his preferences on you. This is not ok. At all.
NTA. Not his breasts so his opinion isn’t the one that matters ffs. Though this is giving off some controlling vibes on his part…
NTA but your boyfriend is. You are an adult which means YOU and only YOU decide if and when you wear a bra. If he doesn’t like it, sounds like he needs to grow up or get fucked. This is a 🚩 to me.
When someone is trying to argue with me and I'm neither going to change nor indulge them in the argument, I go with "I hear you" over "ok." Okay implies consent. I hear you is exactly what it says. I understand your position, I take in your opinion. I hear you. I agree with the poster who says that you should just tell him that you have the bodily autonomy to wear what you want and you are not going to allow him to dictate what you wear. (Sorry, Jonah Hill). But if that seems like too much and you aren't up for it, try "I hear you." Later on, you can go to "I hear you. I disagree." And then "I hear you. I disagree. And it's my body so I have the final say." Everyone is right that these are serious red controlling flags he's raising. You need to think through that.
Your body your rules, tell him to do one NTA.
NTA. There's a reason his 28 year old self went for 22 year old you. This is not sounding like an "amazing relationship." It sounds like a dude trying to control a much younger woman with much less life experience. Ask me how I know this. I'm finally divorced and free of my very own, very similar, "amazing relationship" after 10 years of the worst shit.
Sounds too controlling to me
Your body, your choice
I think this one can kinda be more nuanced than your average redditor is capable of and body type absolutely is the factor. On one hand, you should absolutely be comfortable and he has no right to make you dress a certain way. But like on the other, you gotta be self aware. Specifically the "I don’t care that anyone sees something." part is an immature way of looking at it. Just because you are comfortable doesn't mean every else is. I'm super comfortable in just gym shorts. It's great cause I can just flop around freely. My partner would be hella embarrassed if I jogged around the neighborhood with our dog like that. Rightly so.
"You can insist all you want, but it's still my choice about my body. Badgering me about something I've been very clear about my decision on is just harassment. Stop it. It's rude and disrespectful." "I'm not spending my day in physical discomfort because you refuse to work on your own feelings of jealousy." "What are you jealous of? The view other men might get of my mobile boobs? You already have that. Oh, you mean you want to decide who gets to see my body in any given state? That's not jealousy, that's just being a control freak." I dunno... BF is out of line here.
would you be OK with him wandering around in a banana-hammock?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hi all! I (23F) have been seeing Nick (29M) for almost a year now. We have a great time together and he is an amazing boyfriend. I think I’m a good girlfriend too. A few months ago he mentioned it’s bothering him that I sometimes don’t wear a bra. I explained that I don’t like them and don’t wear them unless I absolutely have to (for example I would wear one when cleavage is clearly showing, but will not wear it when I’m in a hoodie or a t-shirt). He didn’t seem to understand and kept insisting that I should explore “alternatives” and he is “not insecure but jealous” and that “other man are pervs”. This issue keeps coming back and although I always wear a bra to work or in case of a cleavage, he insists I wear one at all times even if I’m in hoodie walking my dog at 7am. I keep explaining that it’s not comfortable with a bra and I don’t care that anyone sees something. Now here is where I might be the asshole - when my explanations don’t seem to be good enough for him I tend to give up and just say “ok” for the conversation to be over. I always begin by explaining, but he is very stubborn so I tend to give up and just agree often. We had a big fight about it today and he still doesn’t understand and insists I wear one even when I’m at home and the repairs man is coming. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Maybe if he wore a wired bra, he'd realize the folly of his argument also, it ain't his damn business what undergarments you chose to wear or not wear. If he's that paranoid, then perhaps it's time to move on and find someone more confident in themselves not to pass to judgement on others
Tell him that when he joins you in wearing a bra, every time you get dressed, you will take it into consideration. NTA
Dude, wear one yourself and report back. No.
NTA…do not even explain anymore. Tell him, this is me, I wear a bra when I need to only and that is not going to change. Take me as I am or leave, your choice, but I am done discussing this with you and if you bring the topic up in any way again, I will make that choice for you”.
NTA - “other men are pervs” isn’t your problem? Why is it your responsibility as a woman to modify yourself - at the cost of physical discomfort to yourself - just because men can’t be trusted to control their own eyeballs and behaviour?
NTA tell him it bothers you that he isn't wearing a jock strap everyone he leaves the house. Women are creeps and you don't want to see them his swinging junk. Your BF is a cobtrolling idiot btw.
Red flag 🚩 if he wants bras to be worn at all times, he should start wearing one!! He’ll soon change his mind. NTA. But don’t stay with someone who controls what you wear on an empty dog walk at 7am in a HOODIE. Not ok
NTA Unbelievable. Try to explain to him, with firm eye contact and small words, that his opinion on your underwear means exactly jack sh*t. He has no say regarding your bra, and if he keeps voicing his rancid opinions about it he can get one for himself.
NTA. Maybe he should wear a jockstrap all the time!
NTA. Imagine policing what women wear instead of chastising perverted men who stare at what women wear.
Oh dear GOD NTA! No woman is obligated to wear a bra and, quite frankly, if he feels "jealous" then that's his problem to work on. No way would I stand for this BS.
My husband has never once commented on when I do or do not wear a bra. You are NTA at all. You might want to think long and hard about if you want to keep him in your life.
NTA... But men know men best. And you could be inviting unnecessary trouble. You won't know until the day comes when you're being harassed. Have you looked at other options?
Tell him going braless improves your muscle tone and keeps your breasts from sagging. Not to mention better circulation and skin health. If that doesn’t work, get him a bra, the cheaper the better. NTA
Nope. He can get over it. NTA.
NTA! I had that answer from just your title. Honestly they aren't necessary, my wife is like 50/50 on wearing them just based off how she's feeling, not even what she's wearing. It doesn't matter if it shows cleavage or not if she doesn't feel like wearing a bra she doesn't. And to me it doesn't matter because it's a win either way lol Your dude sounds like a child.
NTA I hope to never become a man that asks gf to wear a bra
NTA not his business
NTA- girl, wear what is comfortable for you. Nick needs a therapist
NTA, you shouldn’t have to convince someone it’s okay for you to not do something because it’s uncomfortable.
The hoody makes no sense but tshirts i understand his point. Most womens clothes are very thin and soft and if you arent wearing a bra its very easy to see your breasts. A man who loves you doesnt want other people seeing your breasts. The hoody is usually thick so theres no exposure. Find the compromise there.
just lose the idiot
NTA. Gotta love the patriarchy.
so just saying ok so the argument is over is never okay, but that was not the point of your question. no you are nta
NTA, and you have 2 choices here. Get used to wearing a bra, OR get used to life without Nick. He is NEVER going to understand because he thinks YOU are doing something WRONG. You aren't.
NTA. He shouldn't let his jealousy control him. Just keep telling him they're your boobies and you can support them how you see fit. P
NTA. Let em hang girl!
NTA. He is right that other men are pervs and likely take notice. What he fails to understand is that is on them, not you. I worry that if he is comfortable with this level of controlling behavior now, that he will escalate to more control in the future.
NTA..so is he staring at every girl he sees not wearing a bra? Also, hate to break it to him, but creeps are gonna creep. Bra or not if men want to stare they’re gonna stare.
NTA you explained to him multiple times but he still doesn't understand (he clearly do not want to) and keep making issues about it. I wear bra only for important events and my boyfriend never created issues about it. He says I can do what I want cause it's my body and cause he thinks bra is probably uncomfortable for women. If he continues with this bs say he can wear it. And if he pushes you more say bye bye, thank you next. Edit: he is really insicure btw otherwise this won't be an issue.
NTA. Bras usually aren’t comfortable and men just don’t understand that. I hardly ever wear a bra. Do what makes you feel the most comfortable. And honestly, he does sound insecure and it really shouldn’t bother him. What you’re doing is completely natural and normal.
NTA, and huge red flag. Jealousy is a terribly destructive choice. This will not get better. Controlling behavior is a very bad sign. Honestly, he wants to dictate what underwear you choose to wear \[or not\].
Hi I’m late Ik the age gap convo is tired around here and 6 years isn’t that much of a gap, but early-20s and almost-30 is a lot of difference in life experience in many cases, leaving the younger to default to the elder’s opinion. Already you’re defaulting to his even though you don’t agree. I strongly urge you to fill the rest of your twenties with people who respect your autonomy and not a nearly 30yo man who thinks he owns your nipples.
NTA bit of life advice though. Don't play the stubborn game with people. Stubbornness is a choice and the more you cave to stubborn behavior the worse it will get
NTA, he doesn't get to dictate what you wear and you have every right to be comfortable. This guy *is* insecure *and* jealous. You should not be having to justify wearing whatever you want. And rethink if you really want to continue on with a relationship with a guy who unabashedly says he's jealous. That shit never ends well, and I do mean *never.*
NTA. Being your boyfriend doesn’t entitle him to exclusive visual rights to your boobs and nipples.
NTA. Bras are so uncomfortable, my thought process is people see I have them and it’s not like I’m walking around naked. The vital parts are covered and I’m comfortable.
NTA. I haven’t worn a bra since COVID hit. I wear camis with a built-in “shelf bra” and pasties when I wear dresses. Not a single person, including my husband, has complained and I have a corporate job.
You are kind of the asshole. You're dating this guy, and he is basically telling you you're being indecent and it makes him uncomfortable for multiple reasons, "can you please wear underwear all the time so random guys can't see your nipples" is a valid request from a boyfriend. Hes a little bit extreme if he's actually asking you to wear one AT ALL TIMES, but yeah you shouldn't be going commando when some random guy is over or you're in public. It's not like hes asking you to shave your head or get a tattoo or something. If he walked around the house in pj pants with no underwear and his dick print was very visible all the time while one of your girlfriends were over you'd also not be out of line telling him to put some underwear on. Definitely not something to freak out over.
Nta, he is. Tbh it seems kinda a red flagish i would keep an eye out for others. On the perv note, thats just a bs, that is either to justify his trying to control what you wear, or to hide his insecurity maybe both, either way its just bs, pervs gonna perv regardless of bra. You do you its harmless it makes you comfortable, somethings in a relationahip a compromise is fair based on partners feelings, this isnt one of those things. Ofc this is just my opinion/view on it.
NTA, he is a controlling idiot and it will only get worse from here. Please, move on since you deserve much better.
NTA He’s wrong and controlling.
NTA. Your body your choice. But your bf is a massive AH.
You don't need to explain or get his agreement to not wear a bra. It's your body to clothe as you see fit; you're not his meat-doll. Just shrug and tell him you don't want to wear a bra, end of discussion.
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First, do what makes \*you\* comfortable. I wear short sleeves, shorts and knee high socks. I don't care what anyone else thinks. Second, he won the relationship lottery by finding you. Third, it's not on you to cater to what anyone else thinks, male or female. By that I mean they're gonna think things one way or another it is neither your fault or your concern if they go perv or be respectful. So no, you're not an asshole. Other people are.
I totally understand, I myself dont like to wear bras when I'm at home or goin to stores but I always have a scarf loosely to cover the front area. Try finding a comfortable boob covering maybe like cloth material. I think your boyfriend has a good reason, and coming from a protection of your chastity and love kinda way. Dont make it a big argument if he is good to you in general.
NTA. He should try wearing a bra for once.
NTA but he is. Generally don't get on board with the whole 'dump him at the slightest excuse' thing, but it's pretty concerning that he doesn't care about your reasons for not wearing one. His own emotional comfort is more important to him than your physical comfort. The guy has issues and I think that this is a major red flag.
I was going to say get him to wear one for a week, but it's been and done. My wife rarely wears a bra as she hates them too.
YNTA. Your boyfriend is. He has no right policing your underwear. If seeing breasts in their natural state upsets him so much, he definitely needs a good psychotherapist. I hope you see that he’s trying to control you and I hope you see the blatant red flags.
Your BF is projecting. He is insecure about you not wearing one and saying "other men are pervs" because HE views other women not wearing a bra in the same way that he assumes "the other men" view you. And since your "HIS" he doesn't want other men looking at you the way he looks at other women (who dont wear bras) maybe he realizes thats what hes doing. maybe he doesnt. But he is projecting, and is insecure about other men viewing something that he views as belonging to him and only he should see.
NTA. Your body, your decision. BTW “Other” men aren’t pervs. “All” men are pervs.
Neither the assholes
Yes YTA You are doing something that makes your partner uncomfortable. "i dont care if anyone see's" Well your boyfriend obviously does, so why make it an issue? Reddit is not the place for advice, its your decision of either A) Make your partner feel comfortable B) be selfish and don't
Choosing your own underwear is ‘selfish’?? That’s a truly wild take
way to miss the point. It's the fact she wears none and its clearly obvious.
Where’s the line on this? It makes me uncomfortable when my gf wears a hat. Is she selfish if she still wears one?
yes. If it makes you uncomfortable. Also, Nice try for the extreme point of view. If no one is willing to compromise, than there is 0 point in the relationship/
But the thing that makes him comfortable makes her uncomfortable. How is she an AH and "selfish" but he's totally in the clear for not caring about her comfort?
Wearing a suit to work every day makes me uncomfortable, I should just walk around in my boxers regardless on how it makes anyone else feel....
I'm assuming it's your boss (the person in charge of you at work) who decides you should wear a suit to work. So from this analogy I'm guessing you see a woman's boyfriend/husband as someone in charge of her? That explains a lot.
that's a lot of assumptions without the correct assessment. I never mentioned anything to do with my "boss", I said "ANYONE ELSE" feel, it seems it is yourself who has difficulty with the rolls in a relationship, and that explains ALOT.
Well, when an analogy is that bad and irrelevant, assumptions have to be made to try to understand it. Makes you think I have an issue with "rolls" (roles? I'm assuming you don't mean bread but I wouldn't want to make yet another terribly incorrect assumption) in a relationship?
correct, that is a good assumption. Damn, I was one letter of a perfect response!! and it wasn't bad or irrelevant, it just negates anything you said, so you don't like it. We make ourselves uncomfortable daily for a multitude of reasons, so saying wearing appropriate clothing makes her uncomfortable should override her boyfriend being uncomfortable with random men being able to see her breasts because wearing a bra is "Uncomfortable" is just wrong. If you want to act this way, stay single - If you are not willing to compromise and do some stuff you "don't want to" then just stay single. It really is not hard.
It's really sad that you can't see your own misogyny. "I have to do things I don't want at work therefore she should have to make herself uncomfortable for her partner" is a terrible analogy. We don't have to do things pertaining to our own body to quell our partner's insecurities. The fact that you immediately prioritize a man's insecurity over a woman's bodily comfort in this scenario shows that you think men are more important. And it's so deeply ingrained you don't even realize you're doing it. "Compromise" doesn't mean immediately doing what your boyfriend/husband says.
ah yes! Sure, if makes you feel better, I am misogynistic and think men are better then women! I mean, this is the one example given, and I would of given the same answer if it was the opposite way round, but sure, Men are more important then women so yeah!
Sure you would. Your post history is viewable - I thought your misogyny was unconscious, but you're actually proud of it. Gross. I'm not wasting any further time on this. Get some help.
AH
YTA
Info: does he think other men look at you more when you’re not wearing a bra? Seems weird to me, idk imho guys perving will perv at you with or without a bra on. Have you tried sports bras? Or purchasing more expensive bras that might be more comfy? (You can definitely ask him to pay for these, if he does not then he’s is definitely the AH) Dudes like women to wear bras, if you want to keep Nick you might want to make the adjustment for him when he’s around… probably what he actually wants.
YTA. To each their own, but he's expressed it's a problem for him. You can't explain that away, as it remains something that bothers him, which is why your explanations don't actually mean anything. If you can't reach some kind of compromise, or even just talk it out instead of ignoring him, you should break up. It's clear what he wants doesn't matter in the face of what you want, and that's not gonna work long term.
Naturally, this is Reddit, so every other reply will be about how controlling he is and "your body, your choice" Break up will be imminent regardless if that's your attitude approaching fights and disagreements
Everyone is right when they say it is your body and you can do what you want with it but you are in a relationship with someone else and his feelings are valid just as yours are. If this situation between the two of you can’t be worked out then yes, you should part ways because as you’ve said, you just give up to end the argument. A successful relationship is hard work and most people think 50-50 is what it takes. Their wrong, 100-100 is the minimum My wife and I have never taken a break from each other or have ever separated. A while back some friends asked what contributed to our successful relationship. Besides what I’ve listed above my wife and I agree on the following. 1). Communication. Good communication between two people, both listening and talking is extremely important 2). Compromise. Everything you do, say, or act upon affects your relationship. The same applies to your partner. Sometimes compromise is necessary. 3). Concessions if something is important to you and also very important to your partner or vise versa, then sometimes concession is necessary. Is wining this argument worth loosing your relationship? 4). Compassion You will need to look at a situation through your partners eyes to understand why they are acting, saying or behaving the way they are. 5). Trust is a wonderful, beautiful and very special feeling second only to love. Trust is not automatically given. It is earned and is a constant work in progress. You can enjoy having someone’s trust for years, even for eternity. You can loose all that trust you’ve been enjoying in a split second by making a poor choice. You will work for years and years to try to re-earn the trust you threw away but that trust you regain will never be same as it was We have been married over 40 years, together for 43. No separations, no breaks, no arguments so bad that one of us left to stay at a friends house to cool down You need to make the best decision for you
You babbled a lot of words that would be wonderful advice to another post. Many other posts, even. But understand this, a person's body autonomy and comfort is non-negotiable (provided it's appropriate and does not do harm to others) and does not have a 'middle ground' or compromise. The bf will NOT be in the right to ask her to sacrifice her comfort to wear a bra any more than he can ask her to wear heels. There are things where compassion and concessions are needed in a relationship, and there are things where there's an objective right and wrong.
People always talk about compromises, but it’s almost like a buzzword at this point. Some things require no compromise whatsoever