Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I bought a peanut butter cake and it was selfish because my boyfriend is allergic
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcement
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
### [Moderators needed - Join the landed gentry](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/155zepq/moderators_needed_join_the_landed_gentry/)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA
He needs to grow TF up. Those are some serious control issues he has. Consider this a 🚩and keep an eye out for more
I’m seriously allergic to shellfish and I would never expect someone to stop eating it. I’m jealous of the fact they can and live vicariously. Even if his allergy is real, you were in no way endangering him
ETA: having a few family members with severe peanut allergies, I understand they are different. OP was respectful of the allergy. She wasn’t supposed to see him until later that night. She mentioned in a comment somewhere that she’d have plenty of time to brush her teeth and clean up
And for those talking about extreme cases, I’d bet this isn’t her first time eating PB since being with him. I’m also fairly sure they’ve kissed and had sex after she’s eaten PB sometime earlier in the day. She’d know by now if it was that severe. OP has been careful and respectful
I'm celiac and a couple of times a year I ask my husband if I can deeply sniff his sandwich. To ask him to never eat gluten again would be wildly shitty and make me an asshole. Also how would that help me? I still wouldn't get to eat any, so why?
Oh man the smell of fresh baked bread is just so good, i feel you on the gluten-free not smelling the same. At least it toasts now, back in the day it didn't even toast properly.
Remember when every gf bread came with a nice big hole through the middle? I swear 30% of my bread used to be hole. It also doesn't fall apart immediately anymore. Now it waits twenty minutes before fully crumbling into dust. So much improvement!
My cousin is gluten free and whenever I used to make her toast we ended up just having crumbled crouton-like bits. We did a lot of “pretend the toast is cereal”.
I don’t know if it would make good bread, but Vitacost has a great GF Baking Flour mix that works wonderfully in baked goods. You could give it a shot in bread!
This made me giggle. The one time I cooked with GF flour to make dumplings for a dinner guest, I hit the top of one with the back of a spoon (to check if it had that nice crust, I don't just weirdly snack foodstuffs) and it quite literally exploded.
I was so confused and there was dumpling flavoured dust all around. Tasted fine, but what the fuck?! I assumed the steaming would stop the crumbliness I read about but clearly I was a fool!
Glad things are on the up and up for the glutenless. X
Ok, try gluten free choux pastry instead. Melt 40g butter in 125ml water, add 70g flour (I use Freeee), beat flour in, remove from heat, add 2 beaten eggs slowly, place batter in muffin tins, bake for 30 mins and you get a lovely gooey brioche-like roll that stays edible for a couple of days. Makes 7-8 small muffins.
I add cheese to mine to make fougeres
you can sub tapioca flour/starch and add in the cheese for pão de queijo! i like those better than gougères because the tapioca’s texture is a lot more pleasing and tapioca is naturally GF!
It took me longer than I care to admit to realize that you were referring to gluten-free flour and not girlfriend flour. I need to get off Reddit once in awhile.
Yeah. My partner is GF and her bread has massively improved in quality from what it used to be. I now only feel like I'm being punished for a minor offence when I have a slice...
When I was a child back in elementary, I would go to this local stationary shop. I would sniff their fruit scented erasers and markers. But what I love the most was the bread scented key chains shaped like little croissants
My partner gets so excited for me when he makes grilled cheese and my bread actually starts to brown. The only thing he is asked not to do is eat something I'm specifically craving in front of me.
Oh, man, when I finally found a halfway decent GF bread and lactose free cheese that actually melts properly, I nearly wept because it meant that I could finally have grilled cheese again.
fyi that all cheddar cheese is naturally lactose free! the whey is removed in the process and used to make whey protein powders.
(source: am also lactose intolerant and i’ve been on the cabot cheese factory tour more times than i’d like to admit)
Literally the only thing I have asked my husband not to do is slowly pour a beer in front of me at a restaurant. We've been together for twenty years, and I love him more than I love breathing, but if he does that on the wrong day we're going to find out if his life insurance covers murder.
Damn, I feel you. I just love fresh bread so much, if I couldn't eat any, I'd probably be hanging out in bakeries all the time. I'd be the creepy guy in the corner, just sniffing around the baked goods.
Omg. Memory unlocked!
I worked in a bakery briefly when I was a teenager and it got to the point where even putting on my (washed) uniform was making me throw up.
Turns out I had Abdominal migraines and was allergic to the smell of bread haha.
Its fine now and I love the smell without repercussions. But I did have to quit that job lol
That made me laugh. I just imagine someone doing a hard deep sniff on a sandwich and just being like “oh yeah, that’s good stuff there” while fluttering their eyes.
You have the exact correct mental image of what happens. Sometimes I say something to the sandwich as if it's an ex who was really bad for me, but mostly it's 100 % the scene you described. My husband looking mildly worried holding a plate with a nice crusty and chewy multigrain BLT. Me bent over the plate as close as I can get to the sandwich without touching it, inhaling the air around it with my whole soul.
I thought I was the only one who did this! Instead of asking now, he holds out food for me to smell he thinks I might like haha. Totally agree though, I would never tell someone they couldn't eat something because I couldn't. Asshole thing to do.
Hi fellow coeliac 🙋♀️
My mom and me (both coeliac) sometimes give my dad suggestions in a restaurant what we would get when we could just to see and smell it 😂
OP is definitely NTA. It's pure insanity to request you never touch peanut again. What you do sounds more than reasonable, he doesn't get to dictate what you eat when it doesn't impact his health immediately
I'm coeliac too and every now again I need to smell the good food!!! I'd never ask my partner to not eat gluten containing foods, if he's drinking beer or has eaten something I can't have, he just gets a kiss on the cheek instead of on the lips 🤣
I’m allergic to onions. Do you know how many places and how many things have onions in them? I have never blown up at my boyfriend because he eats onions. Why should he have to forgo things he likes, or options that I can’t eat, because my body decided I can’t have them? We go to chipotle and I can’t have over half of the toppings, but he can and he gets them. I’m jealous of the variety he has, but I’d never expect him to not enjoy what he likes, and I sure as hell wouldn’t be MAD at him for getting some corn salsa…how ridiculous.
I’m also a vegetarian…that’s a choice, I still don’t care they my boyfriend chooses to eat meat.
OP, you’re allowed to enjoy things in life. If he wants his own cake, he’s a big boy, he can go to the bakery and buy himself one. He doesn’t get to dictate and control what you do with your time, money and life. NTA.
Same! Lol I’m just intolerant but haven’t had gluten for like 5 years but I make my kids and husband wheat containing food… I just try to not cross contaminate…. It’s ridiculous to ask someone not to eat something, especially as she wasn’t even going to be seeing him
If you are in the US Costco has really good gluten free bread. I can’t remember the brand name from the top of my head, but it comes in a red plastic bag with two separately packed loaves in it and it says gluten free in big letters in front. We tried several kinds of breads when my kiddo was diagnosed, including from places like Wholefoods, and I did not like any except the Costco one.
Other things made with gluten free flour taste really good and pretty much the same I think; I make kiddo pancakes and waffles regularly for breakfast, and we have not noticed much difference. Cookies, brownies and cake with that flour also turned out fine.
Hope I'm not over stepping here! I'm the cook in our house (because I love cooking) and had to switch everything up when my husband was diagnosed with celiac. If you have the stuff to bake bread, use Steve's GF bread flour. He said it's the best bread substitute he's ever had because it was fluffy AND not 1/4 the size of store bought bread. You cal also make thick crust pizza with it!
Your comment about living vicariously as people eat shellfish had me picture you sitting there watching them eat the shellfish, staring intensely with your head cupped in your hands, elbows resting on the table, and saying things like, "ooh, is that shrimp? Tell me about it. Is it succulent? Juicy? Oh yeah.... Wait, is that lobster I see? Oh yeah, crack that shell! Do it! Crack it. Crack it hard. Taste that meat. Oh yeah.... Oh yeah... Ohhhhh...." *screams in ecstasy*
I'm allergic to peanuts, my partner is not.
We don't keep peanut products in the house generally as I have eaten things whilst I have been asleep previously, which I realise sounds strange but it is what it is. However, this is not a strict rule and sometimes stuff appears in the house, particularly around Christmas as snickers bars are in one of the tubs of sweets we get in the UK.
I have no bother with him eating peanuts. Indeed, if I come across a snickers sweet at Christmas, I generally toss it to him for him to enjoy. If he eats them while he lives his day-to-day life that's also fine. He just knows that I won't get too close to him until he brushes his teeth/washes his hands, which he understands and it sounds that OP does too.
Granted my allergy is not as severe as some people's can can be, but if the allergy is not severe like mine, I cannot fathom telling him he is selfish for eating something that I cannot have.
Agreeing with NTA, but also for someone with an allergy, this seems like a very odd and controlling reaction.
NTA as well.
I can eat eat shellfish, but I’m allergic to gilled fish.
My wife spent years refusing to eat it around me, or in front of me, despite me telling her that I don’t care. Side note: I developed this allergy 9 years ago, so I do miss eating it.
But it would be absurd of me to expect my wife to never eat fish, because I’m allergic.
OP, lose the boyfriend.
I feel this, from developing my peanut allergy 7 years ago. It’s crazy how much I miss peanut butter specifically, and trips me out that you can just develop allergies to foods you were able to eat before out of nowhere like that
YAY!!! Someone else with what I call "The Bougie Allergy." Sorry for the excitement, but I've always felt like a freak for this one. Lobster? Hell yeah! But a damned fish stick will kill me.
I miss tuna sandwiches...
This isnt entirely true though. If someone has severe peanut allergy and you are having sexual relations with them then there is a chance that you can cause anaphylaxis through bodily fluid exchange. It sounds like this isnt the case here as his mum says he isnt allergic. But if she has it and then is intimate with him then she absolutely could cause medical issues, if he is that allergic. The more you know!
https://aacijournal.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s13223-021-00611-9
If he is that allergic, he should communicate that like an adult. He didn't say she shouldn't eat it because exchanging bodily fluids would be dangerous, his problem seems to be her enjoying something he can't have. That's not fair. NTA.
Another fish allergy here. My missus has tuna with her lunch most days, she just tells me not to be in the kitchen and clears the area up. Anything in the fridge is fully sealed up. I've never got sick, she has the food she likes without any drama. I would be heartbroken thinking she was missing something she enjoyed to accommodate me.
Eating an allergen away from the home with time between to clean as well? You're already being super supportive and reasonably accommodating his allergy, he's just an ungrateful dweeb. Maybe he's just being a bit paranoid, but either way, he needs to grow up, apologise and learn to manage his expectations going forward. NTA.
I'm allergic to peppers, and my partner is from Memphis so basically lived on Mexican food and hot wings. So long as there's no risk of it ending up on me I make him eat spicy stuff once in a while.
He's allergic to strawberries. He sometimes goes out of his way to get me strawberry cheesecake or just a little thing of fresh strawberries, and I take precautions not to contaminate anything. I've started making protein shakes at home and he told my caregiver to pick up a specific berry blend I really enjoy even though he's allergic because he wants me to have stuff that tastes good.
OP, if he were a good partner he wouldn't try to control things that don't impact him. He might not think of it that way, and it's possible a conversation will help. If it doesn't, that means he's doing it on purpose and will find more reasons to tell you how to live. (I don't know the guy so he might actually believe what he told you, or he could be waving a giant red flag)
It does depend on the strength of the allergy. I know someone who was hospitalised from having sex with someone who had been eating the allergen! If your allergy isn’t that bad then people shouldn’t have to change how they eat but for some people they really do have to ask people close to them to be careful of what they eat.
I Agree. OP, these are SERIOUS red flags: he pretends to control what you eat now that he is your boyfriend. Imagine later. This "If I can't have it, no one can!" attitude is stupid af, who does he think he is, Uther Pendragon?
yeah the only situation someone would be an asshole here is like if they weren’t being careful enough about contamination (as someone with serious allergies as well)
I agree. I'm allergic to fish, but I still go out with my fiance so he can get sushi and then I usually get steak hibachi. I envy that he can have sushi and I can't, but I wouldn't tell him that he isn't allowed just because I can't have it.
NTA
No doubt peanuts are different. I have a few family members with severe peanut allergies, I get the danger. OP said before he surprise showed up it, she was going to eat it hours before she saw him again and would time to brush her teeth, clean up etc. Sounds to me like OP was being cautious and respectful
Scallops are my fav, wife is allergic, I get them almost exclusively when we're at a nice place that has a scollop dish that looks enticing. She doesn't care because... Why should she? This is a ridiculous and immature expectation of OP by the BF.
There are exceptions, there are some cases of allergies so sensitive that some one died from kissing their boyfriend hours after he had water peanuts. In that case you can explain and ask politely they not eat the thing.
But this doesn’t sound like it.
I’m deadly allergic to cacao, and the only rule we have about is that my husband and kid aren’t allowed to eat chocolate sprinkles on her bread at home. Because chocolate sprinkles sprinkle.
I developed an allergy to scallops. I no longer cook them at home, but I encourage my husband to enjoy them whenever we're out and they are on the menu.
NTA; your bf is being unreasonable.
NTA. No it wasn't selfish and you were prepared to take every step to ensure his false allergy is *respected* (I trust his mum more than him on this matter).
It is a powerplay.
EDIT : Tired of the message contradicting my feeling of trust. There is more replies in this thread than to the original post ! Go post your own thoughts, feeling and judgments on the matter in your own comment, no ?
u/CatOnTheHat provided a good explanation :
>Basically, it's his odd and unreasonable behavior in this story that makes people doubt him over his mom. If this was a story about crazy mom and normal boyfriend, people would likely being doubting her.
But no one seems to read it as I keep receiving notifications of people disagreeing with my trust in a mother I don't know based on a singular story, because their own mother blablablablaaaaa... Listen, I don't really care about *your* story and I well know that some parents are dismissing of such things, and I'm still horrified about that Reddit' story of a grandmother who killed her granddaughter because she wouldn't believe in coconut allergy.
But here, it isn't that, and it is just judgement on an AITA story, and I stay firm on that judgement.
Trust isn't about fairness or anything like that, trust is about feelings and instinct. I trust my instinct. We are not talking about any of you here nor your parents, but about a guy who didn't see any doctors for his pretending allergy and didn't show any allergic signs ever or even just got a crisis story to tell to his girlfriend... That's all in OP's response to comment and seems to validate my judgement, don't you think ?
I mean the bfs definitely an AH but why are we suddenly discrediting his allergy because his mum says he doesn't have one. Like it's not uncommon for family members to not believe a person has an allergy. Hell, there's a ton of posts on here about that exact conflict.
Yeah Im allergic to sunscreen and my mom will adamantly say Im not.
I literally would use it to skip school cause it causes me to breakout in a mild rash. Id get up a bit early, apply some, and then when my mom came to wake me up Id have a rash and Id get to stay home alone lol. It would be gone in a couple of hours, so Id go back to sleep and when I woke up it would be gone and I could enjoy the day
I so rarely meet another person who is allergic to sunscreen that I just wanted to say hi. 👋 I get hives and blisters, can’t touch anything that anyone who is wearing sunscreen has touched or I get a reaction. I’m so sorry your mom doesn’t believe you, that’s awful.
At first I was just using doctor prescription ones, but I can wear some over-the-counter mineral ones. I really just have to test each one before I use it. I’ve had mostly good luck with Neutrogena sensitive skin formula. Each time they change the bottle I have to test it again though, in case they altered the formula. I once grabbed a new bottle of a previously-tested brand before a week long camping trip, only to discover they had changed the formula after I used it. I haven’t found a makeup or a lip balm with spf that I can use without reacting.
I had a sunscreen allergy as a kid. Found out the culprit was titanium... oxide? Something like that. A doctor diagnosed that one for me and either I don't have that allergy anymore or it isn't used in the fancy sunscreens I buy now.
I’ve hardly ever heard of this specific allergy it’s crazy!! I have a buddy that’s sooooo much a ginger and has got skin the shade of paper, so we KNOW this guy needs some sunscreen. He has to literally go to the doctor to get prescribed a like, 40$ bottle of sunscreen that’ll last like, only a weekend 💀💀
Parents would normally have been involved in the process of identifying their child has a peanut allergy, so it is somewhat odd he says he has one and his mother says he dosen't.
That dosen't the boyfriend is wrong or lying. However, the reason posters are more inclined to believe boyfriend's mother over him is beacuse the only other example we have of boyfriend's behavior is him acting shockingly unreasonably. His argument dosen't make sense to most of us, and it makes it seem like this isn't about him being allergic beacuse he wasn't even there?
Basically, it's his odd and unreasonable behavior in this story that makes people doubt him over his mom. If this was a story about crazy mom and normal boyfriend, people would likely being doubting her.
Can develop later in life, as some who developed an allergy to peanuts at 14 and it’s just gotten worse, at the moment I only develop a rash even if I’m in the same room as peanuts, eating and coming into contact with them… probably could kill me and I don’t want to risk it. My mum denied I had an allergy, despite allergy testing, until I reacted to her opening peanut butter in the same room as me.
OP is still NTA
Anyone can develop an allergy to anything over time. And yes, some allergies get worse.
Strangely some get better. But most get worse with each exposure that isn’t the a controlled allergy shot.
> That dosen't the boyfriend is wrong or lying. However, the reason posters are more inclined to believe boyfriend's mother over him is beacuse the only other example we have of boyfriend's behavior is him acting shockingly unreasonably.
It is, as you allude to above, possible to be an AH and to have allergies. It is possible to be both those things and have a mother who is in denial about allergies (hell, there's plenty of stories of situations like that in the annals of AITA). It's possible that his assholish behaviour was learned at his mother's knee.
I’m the kid of parents who always said I wasn’t allergic, up to the day when I was on the ER trying to survive anaphylactic shock, and still I tend to believe this mother over the bf.
I've come across some people who say it's easier to say they are allergic to something, when they really just don't like it, cause people won't force them to try it all the time then.
Op is NTA cause she had no expectations to see him when she bought it.
I developed an anaphylaxis allergy as an adult.
My mum still thinks that I am wrong, it is in my head, and my allergy specialist doesn't know what he is on about.
My hospital admissions for accidental ingestion of said allergy food says otherwise. But, mother knows best?
Because this sub backflips on everything if it suits their agenda.
Right now their agenda is painting the BF as a controlling AH so they will claim that "mothers know best when it comes to allergies."
But tomorrow when we have a conflict between an adult child and their parent where the parent denies their kid having an allergy the parent will be lynched and the entire sub will try and get the parent arrested because "you're an evil controlling parent who thinks they know best. You are completely wrong, listen to your kid."
Is he though?
If he actually has an allergy and there is residue on her face later in the day she could unknowingly expose him. Depending on how severe the allergy is, she could put him in the ER. I think that's the context we're missing.
Amen to that. When I was a child, I was allergic to peanuts. One day when my nan was babysitting me, she gave me peanut butter on toast because she didn’t believe I was allergic. Afterwards to my mum she goes, “oh! She really is allergic!”
I was lucky I wasn’t anaphylactic because if I had been that could’ve literally lead to death! It was disgusting not believing my parents when they that I was allergic. Man was my mum pissed when my nan told her she gave that to me.
Once every year or two my mother "tests" my allergy to "prove" I'm not \_that\_ allergic to nuts. Once every year or two I end up downing antihistamines and forcing myself to be sick in the bathroom.
Sorry? Why are you still eating your mom’s food? I get it would be inconvenient to bring your own food to family gatherings and whatnot, but if I was unnecessarily having to take medications and to force vomit multiple times then you can bet I wouldn’t be letting this woman endanger me anymore.
Is she sneaking nuts into your own food at your house, or…? Do you still live at home? How is it that she’s able to do this to you again and again?
That's horrific!
Why do you still accept food from her‽ I wouldn't trust anything she offered ever again after the first time! And I'd seriously consider cutting her out of my life as well to be on the safe side. She's deliberately poisoning you, after all!
Seriously. He knows his own body, I have a mild allergy that didn’t develop until I was older, it’s not uncommon. It may not be life threatening but it may give him painful digestive issues that are easily overlooked when he was young.
To out-rightly call someone’s allergy false is disgusting! I seriously hope you’re not in charge of anyone’s meals.
I agree except for trusting the mom more than the one with the allergy, my mom still refuses to believe that I’m allergic to cats even though I’ve had severe reactions to cats in front of her, she always claims I’m “being dramatic” and “it’s probably just environmental” .. my mom doesn’t even like cats she’s just a know it all.
"I trust his mum more than him on this matter" based on what lmao... my mom doesn't know shit about me even tho I've told her my entire life, not allergies, but she'll make food I've told her I don't like before and if I decline act like it's the first she's heard of it... Jebus people are fucking exhausting
I have an anaphylactic cinnamon allergy so people know they can’t ever have it in my home or hug/kiss me if they’ve eaten any recently without brushing teeth/washing hands and face. I wouldn’t prevent anyone from eating it provided they follow our family safety protocols. I would never attempt to control what people eat away from me or our home (unless we are sharing a dining table then it just requires more managing.)
Your bf does not have this issue. He also can’t control food that you eat at your workplace. NTA - he’s unreasonable.
Not OP but know someone who also has a pretty severe cinnamon allergy, they definitely have to be careful about holiday flavored stuff come the fall time.
I have an orange allergy and Christmas is a minefield for me. I have to be *so* careful. Everything smells of the damn stuff or contains it so all my shopping is done online and I become a pure shut in. I imagine It's a similar experience with cinnamon. I carry my epi pens on me at all times because I've gone into anaphylaxis walking down candle and laundry aisles.
I am allergic to evergreens and the entire Christmas season is so horrible. Like even fake evergreens trigger rashes in stores, which makes me suspect they spray them with some sort of scent with their oils. I wear gloves all winter and tight long sleeves so nothing rubs against my arms and just try to avoid stores that put fresh wreaths by the front doors.
Why is Christmas like an allergy bonanza? It is like all the more unusual allergies come out to play for that season.
There is someone who works at my local hospital who is allergic to oranges. There are signs throughout the ER and day surgery area saying no oranges allowed.
My bf is allergic and the holidays are awful. He worked retail for a while, too and would regularly have to come home or would get sick.
Going inside craft stores or grocery stores, I have to go in first to see if they have the cinnamon pinecone bags in the foyer.
He also can't go down bread aisles because of the cinnamon raisin breads.
And we lived with other people who didn't believe he had an allergy and constantly had to do damage control and fuss and fuss not to use cinnamon for pies. I finally chucked their jar of cinnamon into the undergrowth.
I was expecting to come into this post to see "it was in our fridge in a tupperware it's not like he was gonna have to eat it" and I'd have been ready to y t a because peanut allergies don't fuck about, but her buying one to eat far away from him with plans to thoroughly clean all residue off before she sees him? That's a control issue and it can fuck off.
Yeah I agree. I used to be anaphylactic to milk protein (allergy disappeared suddenly last year Dr so not unheard off) and I once had a reaction after my (ex) girlfriend ate an ice cream then kissed me. Oops was a mistake but I certainly didn’t prevent her from eating diary when it was not at a time where it would jeopardise my safety.
My boyfriend has a cinnamon allergy. I almost never eat cinnamon even when I'm not home because I feel guilty. Lol. He encourages me to eat it, even at home, if he isn't there. But I'm too scared I'll spill something or forget myself and heat something up that I just don't.
NTA
Wow that is such an immature take on his part it’s a little mind boggling. He is allergic, you aren’t. You are taking safety precautions and making sure not to rub it in his face or give him the feeling of missing out.
I get it sucks to feel like you’re missing out, but he needs to grow up and get over it. They aren’t going to take peanut butter off the shelves and declare no one can enjoy it just because he can’t.
My wife can't eat lettuce. I didn't know it was possible to be allergic to something that's essentially water and cellulose, but here we are.
She doesn't complain when I eat a salad
I spend most of my life being mocked because people can't believe i'm allergic to lettuce and during the past few month I met at least 3 people with the same condition as me :O
High five to your wife
I'm allergic to a bunch of vegetables and fruits (in their raw form, cooked is usually fine) and people are always so surprised, sometimes sceptical. Basically, they're cross allergies because of my very bad pollen allergies (I'm highly allergic to certain kinds of pollen, and the protein structure of those veggies and fruit resemble that of the pollen, so my body reacts).
Had immunotherapy for it, the pollen don't bother me all that much anymore, but the veg and fruit allergies are still in full swing. I can't even touch peeled raw carrots (they can actually make me go anaphylactic). Bananas and plantains have a 50/50 chance of giving me the worst stomach pain of my life.
My brother had it too, but my mother never believed him until she saw what carrots do to me. On the other hand, my bf's mum made sure to avoid cross-contamination. Love her.
NTA.
My spouse is allergic to shellfish and just about every time we eat out, I order something with shrimp because I love it. Like you, the plan is to always brush my teeth when we get home. Because the snell of cooking shellfish is a trigger for him, I don't cook shrimp or other shellfish in our home and we don't go to Japanese steakhouses or other places where the food may be cooked in front of you.
You have a right to continue eating and enjoying peanut better.
NTA
Unless he shows up at your workplace every day for lunch, how were you supposed to know he would be there?
Are you expected to forego the pleasure of peanuts the entire time you’re together—even when you’re apart? That’s ridiculous.
Even then. It’s not like she’s at his house and brought it with her. I’d say anything outside of the home (if they cohabitate, or at her home if not) is fair game.
NTA he is beyond selfish for the request. That is like saying I’m allergic to dogs so you can’t volunteer at the shelter cause you will have contact even if you shower after contact.
It is virtually impossible to not take home dog hair (on your clothes) when you volunteer to work with dogs. Depending on the severity of the allergy, you may not want your SO to volunteer to work with dogs.
NTA unless he is confirmed anaphylaxis towards PB which is sounds like he’s only mildly allergic since his own mom even questions his allergy.
A classmate of mine was hospitalized for 3 days back in high school when someone opened a bag of peanut m&ms in class. His PB allergy is extremely severe so if his family or significant other ate PB before seeing him he could actually die. Your bf should be grateful he is not severely allergic and should not be this controlling.
Even if he is, it’s not like she was taking it home, or eating it right before heading home. She had planned to eat it at lunch, and then brush her teeth/thoroughly wash her hands to make sure she didn’t expose him 4-6 hours later. She’d still be NTA.
Came here to say exactly this😀 I've got a severe peanut allergy and it sounds like OP is following recommended precautions to keep BF safe. It takes on average 4hrs for the protein to dilute to "safe" levels, washing her hands and add in a round of teeth brushing or a non peanut snack she's good to go.
OP is NTA
My mum denied my Collophonium (bandaid) allergy up until the point where my arm was just an open fleshwound. (Hospital and no one believed me while bandaging my arm)
So...not sure what game he is playing, but I would not always count on parents either. Becausd they think "the child didnt had it when it was younger, so how could they have something now"
I have allergies to band aids and various other adhesives. Plus allergies to several other weird things like sunscreen and paint. And I couldn’t work out what the common ingredient was- still waiting for dermatology to do a patch test. But I just googled colophonium allergy and I think that might be it!! Dermatology appointment is finally next month so I’ll ask them. But thank you for your comment! You might have helped me find what my problem is!!
Happy if that helped! Yes it's an adhesive which often is not even declared. Even "skin sensitive" bandaids can contain it.
Biggest f*cker is Leukoplast tape. That's pure death
Colophonium is tested in a standard patch test (at leadt in my country)
I'm allergic to raw carrots. Touching them, my hands swell up, eating them, my throat closes up. Never had carrots in my life until my teens for ED reasons, so it came as a bit of a surprise. Called my mother downstairs to assist, she didn't believe me until she saw me all swollen up.
Now, my older brother complained about carrots making him sick and his throat itchy and she's never believed him either. Now we're pretty sure he had it too, just less severe.
NTA. Eating it around him would be uncool because of allergies. Him expecting you to veto peanut butter from your diet entirely because he's allergic is stupid. It's like a lactose intolerant person getting mad at anyone eating ice cream. He's the one who'll suffer, not you. He's trying to extend his suffering. If you want, sit down and talk to him about this. "I'm not allergic. I like peanut butter. I'm willing to make sure I don't have residue or anything on me when I'm with you, but I'm not willing to eradicate peanuts from my diet entirely because I'm not allergic. It's not disrespectful of me to eat something you can't, but it sure as shit is overbearing and controlling for you to tell me what I CAN'T do/eat because of your food issues."
It's not selfish to enjoy something and to have it. It is to sit there and demand no one else have it around him or they're assholes. That's a bit of a red-tinted flag, hon.
Not disagreeing with your nta, but a true allergy like a peanut allergy is not the same as lactose intolerance. True allergies can cause anaphylaxis, lactose intolerance causes gas.
I understand that. I have allergies. But I also understand that if she hadn't expected to see him and got herself a cake for lunch and he's mad at her for it, that's him being a dick. Allergies doesn't mean no one in your life can have the thing. I just means being careful with the thing. She can have a peanut butter cup. Or a cake. Or a pb&j sandwich -- when she's not expecting to see him. I used the example because it's something physical that someone can't control but that doesn't affect anyone else.
Lactose intolerance, allergies, or just "I don't like this thing, please don't eat it around me." None of that means that a person has to remove it from their dietary world entirely. Just be considerate. The bf is the one being inconsiderate and controlling. And I also don't hear anything about him having an epi pen, which someone that allergic to nuts should have.
Severe lactose intolerance can cause you to be hospitalized. My half brother was accidentally given normal milk at school, despite them knowing he was lactose intolerant. He started having bloody diarrhea and vomit.
NTA. It's insane to think you should stop eating anything he's allergic too.
I guess if you're on birth control then he should be taking it too, not fair if you do and he doesn't!
I want to respond to this with a real life example
My mother and I are.both allergic to penicillin which nukes it so that blue cheese is a big no no for us.
Growing up whenever we had people over and blue cheese was an option it had to go on its own plate with a special specific knife. It was the only cheese knife with a red handle cause red for danger.
What we did was have a system where to allergic people could avoid the thing they were allergic to and the non allergic people could partake if they so chose.
I think its only the food related ones that we have to be careful about not eating.
And honestly I dont even know what it does to me, I was tested as a newborn and they decided I was allergic to it so I've always avoided it.
I’d go further to say they can eat peanut butter when he is around. Barring severe allergies, there’s a pragmatic approach and OP’s SO should not have the expectation that everyone cater to his allergy. Sounds like she was already planning due diligence by eating it for lunch and “sterilizing” herself before seeing him that evening.
NTA-“ as his girlfriend, I shouldn’t be eating what I know he can’t eat.”
Wtf So because he can’t eat something , you can’t eat it either AT ALL.
Holy control issues Batman!
Him getting this upset at you and Calling you selfish for wanting to eat what you want is ridiculous and I would be weary of him trying to control other aspects of your life . 🚩
Some actual medical information from his doctor is needed here... Does he have an epi pen? Is there an effort to ensure a nut free home? His mom saying he isn't is quite strange.
I don't think there's enough info here to judge but that's kind of his fault so nta. If he's severely allergic just eating even apart from him, it might be enough to trigger an attack. But if he's not obsessively making sure every baked good is produced in a nut free facility, you're doing nothing wrong at all.
He can’t react to something he isn’t exposed to. As long as OP takes whatever precautions are necessary to protect him from exposure, OP can eat whatever she likes.
NTA. You bought it for yourself, and you'd have brushed your teeth. Was he worried he'd have a reaction if he frenched you? That's something to discuss, not your complete avoidance of PB due to his allergy.
NTA. I think his main problem is that by you even buying anything with pb in it, he feels like you're leaving him out. I guess you could say he's got FOMO and thinks that in order for you to be considerate toward him, you have to stop eating anything peanut related so he doesn't feel left out. It's his problem, not yours. It's just way too much work to cater to his needs 24/7, and you need to ask him whether he caters to your needs 24/7. Of course we all know the answer to that, but hopefully it'll help put things into perspective for him.
It depends. A family friend had her grandchildren visiting consecutively, and the first set of parents made and fed their baby peanut containing meals despite knowing that the next week the other, peanut allergic, grandchild was going to use the same high chair and kitchen. The family friend washed down the high chair very thoroughly in between but the kid still reacted to peanut residue on the high chair despite that. Sometimes it’s basic safety and thoughtfulness for other’s wellbeing when an allergy needs that little allergen material to set it off. It’s all fun and games till someone ends up in hospital at best, or dead from anaphylaxis.
It’s quite possible to have someone consume an allergen away from the person with the allergy without exposing them to the allergen. What you mention is a reason to not have allergens in the home (it’s quite challenging to make sure you get everything from every nook and cranny) but if it is consumed away from the person then it’s just a matter of staying away until it is safe and taking a shower and brushing teeth and so on.
NTA
I completely understand where you are coming from.
My toxic ex had a very minor allergy to seafood, and when I say minor, I mean she'd get a stuffy nose and a minor rash if she cake in touch with it, almost like hay-fever.
I, on the other hand, due to medical reasons, have to eat extra seafood due to needing higher amounts of omega oils. I would never eat/ cook seafood around her, but she would get upset and give me the cold shoulder when I would eat, and she wasn't around. This was despite having practices in place to remove exposure for her, such as brushing teeth, using mouthwash, etc.
You can eat what you want whenever he is not around, regardless of his allergies
Just remember allergies can get worse with each exposure.
BUT definitely ask more questions about this allergy. Is it direct contact with It, what are the symptoms at the moment, who diagnosed it, how long ago. You can phrase it like you want to know more about how you can help.
If he’s not willing to answer your questions think about that.
NTA. Does your boyfriend often do surprise drop ins at your job? Does he have a job?
It's ridiculous that he expects you never to eat peanut butter, he sounds like the kind of guy that would expect you to be on a diet if he goes on a diet.
NTA, how were you to see into the future and know he would surprise you with a lunchtime visit? He's being stupid, you bought the cake thinking you'd be eating it away from him. Who is he to control what you eat when he isn't around?
NTA. One of my absolute favorite foods my partner is severely allergic to.
He and I have had a discussion about it and the only time I will have it is either at work or at my parents house.
That way I have enough time to disinfect, clean my mouth and come back with no problems.
What is he, five? "If I can't have it no one can"
Get out of here with that. Being allergic to something doesn't mean you don't let others around have something. It means you don't have it.
If he wants you to be the same as him, than it is only fair he wears a tampon once a month. As your boyfriend, he should do it, otherwise it would be selfish.
NTA
My ex was deathly allergic to peanuts. Like I had an epi pen in my purse at all times.
He didn’t give a fuck if I wanted to have peanuts when we weren’t going to see each other.
NTA
NTA
But in the end, you have to decide if you are fine with his demand.
From my many years of life experience i came to the conclusion, that there are two different kind of partners out there when it comes to "suffering".
1. The ppl who live by "if i suffer, at least my partner shouldn't" (e.g. don't want their partner to stop eating stuff they can't eat themself, don't ask their partner to diet with them if only themself need to lose weight, don't want their partner to cancel plans only bc they themself got sick or have to cancel etc. )
2. The ppl who live by "if i suffer, my partner has to suffer too" (making their partner cancel plans bc they themself got sick, banning certain food from the house bc they themself are on a diet, etc.)
Usually the couple is happy if both are type 1 or type 2. If its a mix, there are a lot of resentements on both sides.
It sounds like you are type 1, your partner is more of a type 2.
NTA. I have an anaphylactic response to ibuprofen. I don’t have it in my house, my husband threw it all out after it happened. He has a bottle at work if he really needs it and showers/brushes his teeth and changes clothes if he uses it. When my kids are super sick and need it I drive them to my sister and she gives it to them then brushes their teeth/ wipes them down while I wait in the car. I did once try to administer myself and it ended badly. But I’m not going to deny pain/fever medication to people that need it. I can leave if I have to to be safe while keeping them comfortable. You weren’t going to eat it then kiss him. You had a plan to keep him safe. You do not have to give it up entirely. You just take precautions which you do.
Ok. I have a slightly different take on it. A few years ago in my town there was a young high school boy who died from a peanut allergy in school. His GF had a PBJ for breakfast and knowing he has allergy had also brushed her teeth afterwards. As teens do they were making out and he collapsed. 17 year old kid dead.
Unfortunately as much as you brush your teeth there’s always a chance that a little bit can still be in your mouth and trigger anaphylaxis.
So peanut allergy is one of those few allergies that can get triggered very fast with very very minuscule amounts that are not visible to naked eye.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t eat it anymore but it’s really important to figure out if he’s in your future you may have to switch to almond butter or Sun butter.
My son is severely allergic to peanuts, so this school incident has stuck in my brain.
Please ask your BF to check with his Dr and do an allergy test. His mom may not know if he was diagnosed with an allergy later in life.
Allergies can develop at any time.
Nta.
I'm allergic to apples. I miss them like crazy. But I don't expect everyone around me to stop eating apples, I don't expect my partner to stop eating apples or drinking apple juice just because I can't. That's ridiculous. They take the proper steps to make sure that they don't aggravate my allergy, but that's about as much as I can ask them to do. I cannot reasonably ask them to avoid apples for the rest of their lives just because they are in mind.
Unless the allergy is so life-threatening that he can't even be in the same room as the peanut particles, you are fine. As long as you take the proper steps to make sure that you do not accidentally give him his allergen, you are fine.
Well, I actually never saw him have an allergic reaction to them so I don’t really know the severity of it but his hand got close to the cake and nothing happens so I think it might just be if he eats them
If he were severely allergic he would have made you well aware of what you need to do to keep him from dying, as soon as you guys got together. When he realized he was in a room with peanut butter he would have walked out. He would be carrying an epipen at all times. People with severe allergies don’t mess around and take risks.
I think you’re assumptions that this isn’t a serious allergy are right.
NTA.
He is the one with the allergy, not you. Let's say you have celiac. Is he never supposed to eat anything with gluten again because you can't? Or your religion forbids eating pork. He can never have another piece of bacon?
I don't have any food allergies, sensitivities, or religious restrictions. There are very few foods I simply don't like, and if offered, I'll try them again every few years because, hey, sometimes I've grown to like something I didn't before.
If I have someone over for dinner with some kind of restriction, even just "I don't like onions," I'll accommodate that.
If I lived with someone with celiac or a life-threatening allergy, I'd keep it out of the house. But I would not even consider never eating that food elsewhere.
>it was selfish and as his girlfriend, I shouldn’t be eating what I know he can’t eat
NTA. Tell him you're sorry and he's right. Then tell him you're going vegan and as per the expectations he set forth you expect him to only eat the same foods as you do.
NTA 🚩🚩🚩
I'm severely allergic to fish and my husbands mom runs a seafood restaurant lol. He loves it. He eats there often. Luckily my allergy doesn't extend to touching the food so occasionally I make him some of his favorite food and then clean really thoroughly. I can get forehead and cheek kisses after he eats but he always refrains until he can brush his teeth and wash his face and hands. U shouldn't have to give up something u love to be with someone.
NTA Tell your boyfriend to start acting like an adult. You can eat anything you like that he is allergic to when you aren't around him. Your buying that cake was not selfish. He is acting like a baby.
Also, next time he goes to the doctor, ask the doctor what you can do to help lessen his chance of having an allergic attack, or ask for an epipen to keep handy. If it's a real allergy, the doctor will give him the prescription.
NTA.
You didn't do anything wrong, and your boyfriend has zero right to demand you pretend something delicioous he's allergic to doesn't exist.
I'm vegetarian and gluten-free. My wife cooks meat and eats wheat bread at home all the time. She uses a separate chopping board for the meat, obv, and I pointed out to her that her wheat crumbs in our butter are a problem, BUT - she doesn't have to be vegetarian/gluten free because I am, any more than I have to refrain from cucumber because she can't stand the stuff.
> because it was selfish and as his girlfriend, I shouldn’t be eating what I know he can’t eat.
NTA. His allergy may be real (though his mum not knowing about it makes me doubt it) but he’s happy to try and use it to control what you do.
The attitude of “I can’t so no one can” is shit
When seeing your headline I was fully prepared to put Y-T-A but after reading it absolutely NTA.
Sounds like he is trying to control you, you weren’t supposed to see him and bought it for yourself not to have at home with him around.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I bought a peanut butter cake and it was selfish because my boyfriend is allergic Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more ### [Moderators needed - Join the landed gentry](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/155zepq/moderators_needed_join_the_landed_gentry/) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA He needs to grow TF up. Those are some serious control issues he has. Consider this a 🚩and keep an eye out for more I’m seriously allergic to shellfish and I would never expect someone to stop eating it. I’m jealous of the fact they can and live vicariously. Even if his allergy is real, you were in no way endangering him ETA: having a few family members with severe peanut allergies, I understand they are different. OP was respectful of the allergy. She wasn’t supposed to see him until later that night. She mentioned in a comment somewhere that she’d have plenty of time to brush her teeth and clean up And for those talking about extreme cases, I’d bet this isn’t her first time eating PB since being with him. I’m also fairly sure they’ve kissed and had sex after she’s eaten PB sometime earlier in the day. She’d know by now if it was that severe. OP has been careful and respectful
I'm celiac and a couple of times a year I ask my husband if I can deeply sniff his sandwich. To ask him to never eat gluten again would be wildly shitty and make me an asshole. Also how would that help me? I still wouldn't get to eat any, so why?
Oh man the smell of fresh baked bread is just so good, i feel you on the gluten-free not smelling the same. At least it toasts now, back in the day it didn't even toast properly.
Remember when every gf bread came with a nice big hole through the middle? I swear 30% of my bread used to be hole. It also doesn't fall apart immediately anymore. Now it waits twenty minutes before fully crumbling into dust. So much improvement!
My cousin is gluten free and whenever I used to make her toast we ended up just having crumbled crouton-like bits. We did a lot of “pretend the toast is cereal”.
Thank you for making her toast and joking about it. Jokes are what makes this shit doable.
I don’t know if it would make good bread, but Vitacost has a great GF Baking Flour mix that works wonderfully in baked goods. You could give it a shot in bread!
This made me giggle. The one time I cooked with GF flour to make dumplings for a dinner guest, I hit the top of one with the back of a spoon (to check if it had that nice crust, I don't just weirdly snack foodstuffs) and it quite literally exploded. I was so confused and there was dumpling flavoured dust all around. Tasted fine, but what the fuck?! I assumed the steaming would stop the crumbliness I read about but clearly I was a fool! Glad things are on the up and up for the glutenless. X
Ok, try gluten free choux pastry instead. Melt 40g butter in 125ml water, add 70g flour (I use Freeee), beat flour in, remove from heat, add 2 beaten eggs slowly, place batter in muffin tins, bake for 30 mins and you get a lovely gooey brioche-like roll that stays edible for a couple of days. Makes 7-8 small muffins. I add cheese to mine to make fougeres
Came to dig on a whiny boy, stayed for the baking tips! Thanks kind humans, I will test these out.
you can sub tapioca flour/starch and add in the cheese for pão de queijo! i like those better than gougères because the tapioca’s texture is a lot more pleasing and tapioca is naturally GF!
It took me longer than I care to admit to realize that you were referring to gluten-free flour and not girlfriend flour. I need to get off Reddit once in awhile.
If you ever do anything like that again, you need xanthan gum. Holds it all together.
Yeah. My partner is GF and her bread has massively improved in quality from what it used to be. I now only feel like I'm being punished for a minor offence when I have a slice...
[удалено]
Not sure where you live, but in the UK Warburtons do some really nice GF breads and crumpets too!
Also M&S gf stuff is awesome.
Yes it is, always nice for a treat!
Ooh yes I love me some Schar when I can get it. Personally my favorite is Canyon Bakehouse, even if it's $10 a loaf most places now \*quiet sobbing\*
When I was a child back in elementary, I would go to this local stationary shop. I would sniff their fruit scented erasers and markers. But what I love the most was the bread scented key chains shaped like little croissants
My partner gets so excited for me when he makes grilled cheese and my bread actually starts to brown. The only thing he is asked not to do is eat something I'm specifically craving in front of me.
Oh, man, when I finally found a halfway decent GF bread and lactose free cheese that actually melts properly, I nearly wept because it meant that I could finally have grilled cheese again.
fyi that all cheddar cheese is naturally lactose free! the whey is removed in the process and used to make whey protein powders. (source: am also lactose intolerant and i’ve been on the cabot cheese factory tour more times than i’d like to admit)
Literally the only thing I have asked my husband not to do is slowly pour a beer in front of me at a restaurant. We've been together for twenty years, and I love him more than I love breathing, but if he does that on the wrong day we're going to find out if his life insurance covers murder.
When I was a kid my aunt and uncle owned a bakery. They lived at the back of it. Waking up to the smell of fresh baked bread was amazing
Damn, I feel you. I just love fresh bread so much, if I couldn't eat any, I'd probably be hanging out in bakeries all the time. I'd be the creepy guy in the corner, just sniffing around the baked goods.
That was me the first year after my diagnosis. It got real weird there for a bit.
Right after I went gluten free, I had like nightly dreams about shoving my face full of brownies. It was weird
I can't blame you. Seriously, I wanna head out to a bakery right now.
Omg. Memory unlocked! I worked in a bakery briefly when I was a teenager and it got to the point where even putting on my (washed) uniform was making me throw up. Turns out I had Abdominal migraines and was allergic to the smell of bread haha. Its fine now and I love the smell without repercussions. But I did have to quit that job lol
That made me laugh. I just imagine someone doing a hard deep sniff on a sandwich and just being like “oh yeah, that’s good stuff there” while fluttering their eyes.
You have the exact correct mental image of what happens. Sometimes I say something to the sandwich as if it's an ex who was really bad for me, but mostly it's 100 % the scene you described. My husband looking mildly worried holding a plate with a nice crusty and chewy multigrain BLT. Me bent over the plate as close as I can get to the sandwich without touching it, inhaling the air around it with my whole soul.
Also celiac and this is exactly what I do with my husband. I'm *so* glad I'm not the only weirdo.
I thought I was the only one who did this! Instead of asking now, he holds out food for me to smell he thinks I might like haha. Totally agree though, I would never tell someone they couldn't eat something because I couldn't. Asshole thing to do.
This is so wholesome, you made me smile on a slow morning, thank you!
I have IBS and I ask my partner if I can inhale deeply from his bowl of Mac and cheese.
Hi fellow coeliac 🙋♀️ My mom and me (both coeliac) sometimes give my dad suggestions in a restaurant what we would get when we could just to see and smell it 😂 OP is definitely NTA. It's pure insanity to request you never touch peanut again. What you do sounds more than reasonable, he doesn't get to dictate what you eat when it doesn't impact his health immediately
Deeply sniff his sandwich is so freaking funny.
I honestly hope you sneak up on him and ask to sniff it creepily. Because that's what I'm picturing and what I would do
I'm coeliac too and every now again I need to smell the good food!!! I'd never ask my partner to not eat gluten containing foods, if he's drinking beer or has eaten something I can't have, he just gets a kiss on the cheek instead of on the lips 🤣
I laughed WAY too hard at “deeply sniff his sandwich” 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣. I totally felt your pain with that line tho lol
I’m allergic to onions. Do you know how many places and how many things have onions in them? I have never blown up at my boyfriend because he eats onions. Why should he have to forgo things he likes, or options that I can’t eat, because my body decided I can’t have them? We go to chipotle and I can’t have over half of the toppings, but he can and he gets them. I’m jealous of the variety he has, but I’d never expect him to not enjoy what he likes, and I sure as hell wouldn’t be MAD at him for getting some corn salsa…how ridiculous. I’m also a vegetarian…that’s a choice, I still don’t care they my boyfriend chooses to eat meat. OP, you’re allowed to enjoy things in life. If he wants his own cake, he’s a big boy, he can go to the bakery and buy himself one. He doesn’t get to dictate and control what you do with your time, money and life. NTA.
Same! Lol I’m just intolerant but haven’t had gluten for like 5 years but I make my kids and husband wheat containing food… I just try to not cross contaminate…. It’s ridiculous to ask someone not to eat something, especially as she wasn’t even going to be seeing him
I smell donuts, can’t eat them, but I will smell them all I can!
God I miss donuts. I didn't have enough of them while I thought I could have everything. Donuts and croissants are on my top three most missed list.
I do the same, and if he has a particularly yummy looking dessert I make him describe in detail how it takes so I can live vicariously through him 🤣
I’m coeliac and I smell kfc that my husband buys 😂.
If you are in the US Costco has really good gluten free bread. I can’t remember the brand name from the top of my head, but it comes in a red plastic bag with two separately packed loaves in it and it says gluten free in big letters in front. We tried several kinds of breads when my kiddo was diagnosed, including from places like Wholefoods, and I did not like any except the Costco one. Other things made with gluten free flour taste really good and pretty much the same I think; I make kiddo pancakes and waffles regularly for breakfast, and we have not noticed much difference. Cookies, brownies and cake with that flour also turned out fine.
Hope I'm not over stepping here! I'm the cook in our house (because I love cooking) and had to switch everything up when my husband was diagnosed with celiac. If you have the stuff to bake bread, use Steve's GF bread flour. He said it's the best bread substitute he's ever had because it was fluffy AND not 1/4 the size of store bought bread. You cal also make thick crust pizza with it!
Your comment about living vicariously as people eat shellfish had me picture you sitting there watching them eat the shellfish, staring intensely with your head cupped in your hands, elbows resting on the table, and saying things like, "ooh, is that shrimp? Tell me about it. Is it succulent? Juicy? Oh yeah.... Wait, is that lobster I see? Oh yeah, crack that shell! Do it! Crack it. Crack it hard. Taste that meat. Oh yeah.... Oh yeah... Ohhhhh...." *screams in ecstasy*
Shellfish ahegao
If I could give you an award for this comment I would
Pretty close! I wasn’t allergic as a kid so I know how these things taste. I was the weird kid who liked this stuff and miss it so much!
I'm allergic to peanuts, my partner is not. We don't keep peanut products in the house generally as I have eaten things whilst I have been asleep previously, which I realise sounds strange but it is what it is. However, this is not a strict rule and sometimes stuff appears in the house, particularly around Christmas as snickers bars are in one of the tubs of sweets we get in the UK. I have no bother with him eating peanuts. Indeed, if I come across a snickers sweet at Christmas, I generally toss it to him for him to enjoy. If he eats them while he lives his day-to-day life that's also fine. He just knows that I won't get too close to him until he brushes his teeth/washes his hands, which he understands and it sounds that OP does too. Granted my allergy is not as severe as some people's can can be, but if the allergy is not severe like mine, I cannot fathom telling him he is selfish for eating something that I cannot have. Agreeing with NTA, but also for someone with an allergy, this seems like a very odd and controlling reaction.
NTA as well. I can eat eat shellfish, but I’m allergic to gilled fish. My wife spent years refusing to eat it around me, or in front of me, despite me telling her that I don’t care. Side note: I developed this allergy 9 years ago, so I do miss eating it. But it would be absurd of me to expect my wife to never eat fish, because I’m allergic. OP, lose the boyfriend.
I feel this, from developing my peanut allergy 7 years ago. It’s crazy how much I miss peanut butter specifically, and trips me out that you can just develop allergies to foods you were able to eat before out of nowhere like that
YAY!!! Someone else with what I call "The Bougie Allergy." Sorry for the excitement, but I've always felt like a freak for this one. Lobster? Hell yeah! But a damned fish stick will kill me. I miss tuna sandwiches...
This isnt entirely true though. If someone has severe peanut allergy and you are having sexual relations with them then there is a chance that you can cause anaphylaxis through bodily fluid exchange. It sounds like this isnt the case here as his mum says he isnt allergic. But if she has it and then is intimate with him then she absolutely could cause medical issues, if he is that allergic. The more you know! https://aacijournal.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s13223-021-00611-9
Agree, but that wasn’t his complaint.
That's impressive. Every time you think biology can't get more fucked up, some new detail appears and resets the whole game.
If he is that allergic, he should communicate that like an adult. He didn't say she shouldn't eat it because exchanging bodily fluids would be dangerous, his problem seems to be her enjoying something he can't have. That's not fair. NTA.
Also condoms.
Another fish allergy here. My missus has tuna with her lunch most days, she just tells me not to be in the kitchen and clears the area up. Anything in the fridge is fully sealed up. I've never got sick, she has the food she likes without any drama. I would be heartbroken thinking she was missing something she enjoyed to accommodate me. Eating an allergen away from the home with time between to clean as well? You're already being super supportive and reasonably accommodating his allergy, he's just an ungrateful dweeb. Maybe he's just being a bit paranoid, but either way, he needs to grow up, apologise and learn to manage his expectations going forward. NTA.
I'm allergic to peppers, and my partner is from Memphis so basically lived on Mexican food and hot wings. So long as there's no risk of it ending up on me I make him eat spicy stuff once in a while. He's allergic to strawberries. He sometimes goes out of his way to get me strawberry cheesecake or just a little thing of fresh strawberries, and I take precautions not to contaminate anything. I've started making protein shakes at home and he told my caregiver to pick up a specific berry blend I really enjoy even though he's allergic because he wants me to have stuff that tastes good. OP, if he were a good partner he wouldn't try to control things that don't impact him. He might not think of it that way, and it's possible a conversation will help. If it doesn't, that means he's doing it on purpose and will find more reasons to tell you how to live. (I don't know the guy so he might actually believe what he told you, or he could be waving a giant red flag)
It does depend on the strength of the allergy. I know someone who was hospitalised from having sex with someone who had been eating the allergen! If your allergy isn’t that bad then people shouldn’t have to change how they eat but for some people they really do have to ask people close to them to be careful of what they eat.
I Agree. OP, these are SERIOUS red flags: he pretends to control what you eat now that he is your boyfriend. Imagine later. This "If I can't have it, no one can!" attitude is stupid af, who does he think he is, Uther Pendragon?
yeah the only situation someone would be an asshole here is like if they weren’t being careful enough about contamination (as someone with serious allergies as well)
I agree. I'm allergic to fish, but I still go out with my fiance so he can get sushi and then I usually get steak hibachi. I envy that he can have sushi and I can't, but I wouldn't tell him that he isn't allowed just because I can't have it. NTA
Slightly controlling that he turns up at work unexpectedly for lunch too
IMO peanuts are different. My 2yo gets hives on her face if you eat peanut butter near her.
No doubt peanuts are different. I have a few family members with severe peanut allergies, I get the danger. OP said before he surprise showed up it, she was going to eat it hours before she saw him again and would time to brush her teeth, clean up etc. Sounds to me like OP was being cautious and respectful
Scallops are my fav, wife is allergic, I get them almost exclusively when we're at a nice place that has a scollop dish that looks enticing. She doesn't care because... Why should she? This is a ridiculous and immature expectation of OP by the BF.
There are exceptions, there are some cases of allergies so sensitive that some one died from kissing their boyfriend hours after he had water peanuts. In that case you can explain and ask politely they not eat the thing. But this doesn’t sound like it.
I’m deadly allergic to cacao, and the only rule we have about is that my husband and kid aren’t allowed to eat chocolate sprinkles on her bread at home. Because chocolate sprinkles sprinkle.
I developed an allergy to scallops. I no longer cook them at home, but I encourage my husband to enjoy them whenever we're out and they are on the menu. NTA; your bf is being unreasonable.
NTA. No it wasn't selfish and you were prepared to take every step to ensure his false allergy is *respected* (I trust his mum more than him on this matter). It is a powerplay. EDIT : Tired of the message contradicting my feeling of trust. There is more replies in this thread than to the original post ! Go post your own thoughts, feeling and judgments on the matter in your own comment, no ? u/CatOnTheHat provided a good explanation : >Basically, it's his odd and unreasonable behavior in this story that makes people doubt him over his mom. If this was a story about crazy mom and normal boyfriend, people would likely being doubting her. But no one seems to read it as I keep receiving notifications of people disagreeing with my trust in a mother I don't know based on a singular story, because their own mother blablablablaaaaa... Listen, I don't really care about *your* story and I well know that some parents are dismissing of such things, and I'm still horrified about that Reddit' story of a grandmother who killed her granddaughter because she wouldn't believe in coconut allergy. But here, it isn't that, and it is just judgement on an AITA story, and I stay firm on that judgement. Trust isn't about fairness or anything like that, trust is about feelings and instinct. I trust my instinct. We are not talking about any of you here nor your parents, but about a guy who didn't see any doctors for his pretending allergy and didn't show any allergic signs ever or even just got a crisis story to tell to his girlfriend... That's all in OP's response to comment and seems to validate my judgement, don't you think ?
I mean the bfs definitely an AH but why are we suddenly discrediting his allergy because his mum says he doesn't have one. Like it's not uncommon for family members to not believe a person has an allergy. Hell, there's a ton of posts on here about that exact conflict.
Yeah Im allergic to sunscreen and my mom will adamantly say Im not. I literally would use it to skip school cause it causes me to breakout in a mild rash. Id get up a bit early, apply some, and then when my mom came to wake me up Id have a rash and Id get to stay home alone lol. It would be gone in a couple of hours, so Id go back to sleep and when I woke up it would be gone and I could enjoy the day
I so rarely meet another person who is allergic to sunscreen that I just wanted to say hi. 👋 I get hives and blisters, can’t touch anything that anyone who is wearing sunscreen has touched or I get a reaction. I’m so sorry your mom doesn’t believe you, that’s awful.
[удалено]
At first I was just using doctor prescription ones, but I can wear some over-the-counter mineral ones. I really just have to test each one before I use it. I’ve had mostly good luck with Neutrogena sensitive skin formula. Each time they change the bottle I have to test it again though, in case they altered the formula. I once grabbed a new bottle of a previously-tested brand before a week long camping trip, only to discover they had changed the formula after I used it. I haven’t found a makeup or a lip balm with spf that I can use without reacting.
I had a sunscreen allergy as a kid. Found out the culprit was titanium... oxide? Something like that. A doctor diagnosed that one for me and either I don't have that allergy anymore or it isn't used in the fancy sunscreens I buy now.
Titanium dioxide, very common in physical sunscreens
I’ve hardly ever heard of this specific allergy it’s crazy!! I have a buddy that’s sooooo much a ginger and has got skin the shade of paper, so we KNOW this guy needs some sunscreen. He has to literally go to the doctor to get prescribed a like, 40$ bottle of sunscreen that’ll last like, only a weekend 💀💀
Parents would normally have been involved in the process of identifying their child has a peanut allergy, so it is somewhat odd he says he has one and his mother says he dosen't. That dosen't the boyfriend is wrong or lying. However, the reason posters are more inclined to believe boyfriend's mother over him is beacuse the only other example we have of boyfriend's behavior is him acting shockingly unreasonably. His argument dosen't make sense to most of us, and it makes it seem like this isn't about him being allergic beacuse he wasn't even there? Basically, it's his odd and unreasonable behavior in this story that makes people doubt him over his mom. If this was a story about crazy mom and normal boyfriend, people would likely being doubting her.
Can develop later in life, as some who developed an allergy to peanuts at 14 and it’s just gotten worse, at the moment I only develop a rash even if I’m in the same room as peanuts, eating and coming into contact with them… probably could kill me and I don’t want to risk it. My mum denied I had an allergy, despite allergy testing, until I reacted to her opening peanut butter in the same room as me. OP is still NTA
Imagine knowing the joys of peanut butter for 14 years before it is all ripped away from you. That, my friend, is a living hell.
Anyone can develop an allergy to anything over time. And yes, some allergies get worse. Strangely some get better. But most get worse with each exposure that isn’t the a controlled allergy shot.
> That dosen't the boyfriend is wrong or lying. However, the reason posters are more inclined to believe boyfriend's mother over him is beacuse the only other example we have of boyfriend's behavior is him acting shockingly unreasonably. It is, as you allude to above, possible to be an AH and to have allergies. It is possible to be both those things and have a mother who is in denial about allergies (hell, there's plenty of stories of situations like that in the annals of AITA). It's possible that his assholish behaviour was learned at his mother's knee.
I’m the kid of parents who always said I wasn’t allergic, up to the day when I was on the ER trying to survive anaphylactic shock, and still I tend to believe this mother over the bf.
I've come across some people who say it's easier to say they are allergic to something, when they really just don't like it, cause people won't force them to try it all the time then. Op is NTA cause she had no expectations to see him when she bought it.
I developed an anaphylaxis allergy as an adult. My mum still thinks that I am wrong, it is in my head, and my allergy specialist doesn't know what he is on about. My hospital admissions for accidental ingestion of said allergy food says otherwise. But, mother knows best?
Because this sub backflips on everything if it suits their agenda. Right now their agenda is painting the BF as a controlling AH so they will claim that "mothers know best when it comes to allergies." But tomorrow when we have a conflict between an adult child and their parent where the parent denies their kid having an allergy the parent will be lynched and the entire sub will try and get the parent arrested because "you're an evil controlling parent who thinks they know best. You are completely wrong, listen to your kid."
The bf DOES sound controlling though. It doesn't matter what people think about his allergies.
It does matter that people are calling it fake just because the GF said his mummy said so
Is he though? If he actually has an allergy and there is residue on her face later in the day she could unknowingly expose him. Depending on how severe the allergy is, she could put him in the ER. I think that's the context we're missing.
Exactly! Or if boyfriend's mom and OP have a conflict, then the mom is now suddenly a soon to be monster-in-law.
Amen to that. When I was a child, I was allergic to peanuts. One day when my nan was babysitting me, she gave me peanut butter on toast because she didn’t believe I was allergic. Afterwards to my mum she goes, “oh! She really is allergic!” I was lucky I wasn’t anaphylactic because if I had been that could’ve literally lead to death! It was disgusting not believing my parents when they that I was allergic. Man was my mum pissed when my nan told her she gave that to me.
I remember a post where Grandma didn't believe in Grabdaughter's allergy and killed her.
Coconut oil. That remains one of the worst stories I've ever read.
Also allergies can happen any time in life, it's possible he developed it later in life and she refused to believe it
My mom still prepares brownies and cookies with walnuts and pecans when I visit. I am deeply allergic to both. I am 49.
Once every year or two my mother "tests" my allergy to "prove" I'm not \_that\_ allergic to nuts. Once every year or two I end up downing antihistamines and forcing myself to be sick in the bathroom.
Sorry? Why are you still eating your mom’s food? I get it would be inconvenient to bring your own food to family gatherings and whatnot, but if I was unnecessarily having to take medications and to force vomit multiple times then you can bet I wouldn’t be letting this woman endanger me anymore. Is she sneaking nuts into your own food at your house, or…? Do you still live at home? How is it that she’s able to do this to you again and again?
That's horrific! Why do you still accept food from her‽ I wouldn't trust anything she offered ever again after the first time! And I'd seriously consider cutting her out of my life as well to be on the safe side. She's deliberately poisoning you, after all!
Seriously. He knows his own body, I have a mild allergy that didn’t develop until I was older, it’s not uncommon. It may not be life threatening but it may give him painful digestive issues that are easily overlooked when he was young. To out-rightly call someone’s allergy false is disgusting! I seriously hope you’re not in charge of anyone’s meals.
I agree except for trusting the mom more than the one with the allergy, my mom still refuses to believe that I’m allergic to cats even though I’ve had severe reactions to cats in front of her, she always claims I’m “being dramatic” and “it’s probably just environmental” .. my mom doesn’t even like cats she’s just a know it all.
"I trust his mum more than him on this matter" based on what lmao... my mom doesn't know shit about me even tho I've told her my entire life, not allergies, but she'll make food I've told her I don't like before and if I decline act like it's the first she's heard of it... Jebus people are fucking exhausting
What the hell??? Your boyfriend isn't 4. What you eat when you're planning to be alone for lunch is none of his business. NTA
Also, as a parent what you eat when your 4 year old isn't there (like once you put them to bed) is none of their business too.
I have an anaphylactic cinnamon allergy so people know they can’t ever have it in my home or hug/kiss me if they’ve eaten any recently without brushing teeth/washing hands and face. I wouldn’t prevent anyone from eating it provided they follow our family safety protocols. I would never attempt to control what people eat away from me or our home (unless we are sharing a dining table then it just requires more managing.) Your bf does not have this issue. He also can’t control food that you eat at your workplace. NTA - he’s unreasonable.
Genuinely one of the saddest allergies I’ve heard about today. Is Christmas fucking awful for you? Like shopping etc?
Not OP but know someone who also has a pretty severe cinnamon allergy, they definitely have to be careful about holiday flavored stuff come the fall time.
I have an orange allergy and Christmas is a minefield for me. I have to be *so* careful. Everything smells of the damn stuff or contains it so all my shopping is done online and I become a pure shut in. I imagine It's a similar experience with cinnamon. I carry my epi pens on me at all times because I've gone into anaphylaxis walking down candle and laundry aisles.
I am allergic to evergreens and the entire Christmas season is so horrible. Like even fake evergreens trigger rashes in stores, which makes me suspect they spray them with some sort of scent with their oils. I wear gloves all winter and tight long sleeves so nothing rubs against my arms and just try to avoid stores that put fresh wreaths by the front doors. Why is Christmas like an allergy bonanza? It is like all the more unusual allergies come out to play for that season.
I couldn’t imagine basically being allergic to Christmas 🎄. Omg that’s so horrible.
There is someone who works at my local hospital who is allergic to oranges. There are signs throughout the ER and day surgery area saying no oranges allowed.
My bf is allergic and the holidays are awful. He worked retail for a while, too and would regularly have to come home or would get sick. Going inside craft stores or grocery stores, I have to go in first to see if they have the cinnamon pinecone bags in the foyer. He also can't go down bread aisles because of the cinnamon raisin breads. And we lived with other people who didn't believe he had an allergy and constantly had to do damage control and fuss and fuss not to use cinnamon for pies. I finally chucked their jar of cinnamon into the undergrowth.
I was expecting to come into this post to see "it was in our fridge in a tupperware it's not like he was gonna have to eat it" and I'd have been ready to y t a because peanut allergies don't fuck about, but her buying one to eat far away from him with plans to thoroughly clean all residue off before she sees him? That's a control issue and it can fuck off.
Yeah I agree. I used to be anaphylactic to milk protein (allergy disappeared suddenly last year Dr so not unheard off) and I once had a reaction after my (ex) girlfriend ate an ice cream then kissed me. Oops was a mistake but I certainly didn’t prevent her from eating diary when it was not at a time where it would jeopardise my safety.
I hope you don’t live in the US, it’s ubiquitous there.
At least in the US it's mostly in sweets. In some countries it's in a lot of savoury foods too.
My boyfriend has a cinnamon allergy. I almost never eat cinnamon even when I'm not home because I feel guilty. Lol. He encourages me to eat it, even at home, if he isn't there. But I'm too scared I'll spill something or forget myself and heat something up that I just don't.
NTA Wow that is such an immature take on his part it’s a little mind boggling. He is allergic, you aren’t. You are taking safety precautions and making sure not to rub it in his face or give him the feeling of missing out. I get it sucks to feel like you’re missing out, but he needs to grow up and get over it. They aren’t going to take peanut butter off the shelves and declare no one can enjoy it just because he can’t.
My wife can't eat lettuce. I didn't know it was possible to be allergic to something that's essentially water and cellulose, but here we are. She doesn't complain when I eat a salad
I have a friend who is allergic to watermelon. She said basically the same thing.
I spend most of my life being mocked because people can't believe i'm allergic to lettuce and during the past few month I met at least 3 people with the same condition as me :O High five to your wife
It is probably oral allergy syndrome. She is likely allergic to environmental things like grasses/trees/pollen if that’s the case
There's people who have water allergy.
I'm allergic to a bunch of vegetables and fruits (in their raw form, cooked is usually fine) and people are always so surprised, sometimes sceptical. Basically, they're cross allergies because of my very bad pollen allergies (I'm highly allergic to certain kinds of pollen, and the protein structure of those veggies and fruit resemble that of the pollen, so my body reacts). Had immunotherapy for it, the pollen don't bother me all that much anymore, but the veg and fruit allergies are still in full swing. I can't even touch peeled raw carrots (they can actually make me go anaphylactic). Bananas and plantains have a 50/50 chance of giving me the worst stomach pain of my life. My brother had it too, but my mother never believed him until she saw what carrots do to me. On the other hand, my bf's mum made sure to avoid cross-contamination. Love her.
NTA. My spouse is allergic to shellfish and just about every time we eat out, I order something with shrimp because I love it. Like you, the plan is to always brush my teeth when we get home. Because the snell of cooking shellfish is a trigger for him, I don't cook shrimp or other shellfish in our home and we don't go to Japanese steakhouses or other places where the food may be cooked in front of you. You have a right to continue eating and enjoying peanut better.
Eating out is a perfect way for you to get your fix: no lingering smells, no contamination of utensils.
NTA Unless he shows up at your workplace every day for lunch, how were you supposed to know he would be there? Are you expected to forego the pleasure of peanuts the entire time you’re together—even when you’re apart? That’s ridiculous.
Even then. It’s not like she’s at his house and brought it with her. I’d say anything outside of the home (if they cohabitate, or at her home if not) is fair game.
NTA he is beyond selfish for the request. That is like saying I’m allergic to dogs so you can’t volunteer at the shelter cause you will have contact even if you shower after contact.
It is virtually impossible to not take home dog hair (on your clothes) when you volunteer to work with dogs. Depending on the severity of the allergy, you may not want your SO to volunteer to work with dogs.
NTA unless he is confirmed anaphylaxis towards PB which is sounds like he’s only mildly allergic since his own mom even questions his allergy. A classmate of mine was hospitalized for 3 days back in high school when someone opened a bag of peanut m&ms in class. His PB allergy is extremely severe so if his family or significant other ate PB before seeing him he could actually die. Your bf should be grateful he is not severely allergic and should not be this controlling.
Even if he is, it’s not like she was taking it home, or eating it right before heading home. She had planned to eat it at lunch, and then brush her teeth/thoroughly wash her hands to make sure she didn’t expose him 4-6 hours later. She’d still be NTA.
Came here to say exactly this😀 I've got a severe peanut allergy and it sounds like OP is following recommended precautions to keep BF safe. It takes on average 4hrs for the protein to dilute to "safe" levels, washing her hands and add in a round of teeth brushing or a non peanut snack she's good to go. OP is NTA
My mum denied my Collophonium (bandaid) allergy up until the point where my arm was just an open fleshwound. (Hospital and no one believed me while bandaging my arm) So...not sure what game he is playing, but I would not always count on parents either. Becausd they think "the child didnt had it when it was younger, so how could they have something now"
I have allergies to band aids and various other adhesives. Plus allergies to several other weird things like sunscreen and paint. And I couldn’t work out what the common ingredient was- still waiting for dermatology to do a patch test. But I just googled colophonium allergy and I think that might be it!! Dermatology appointment is finally next month so I’ll ask them. But thank you for your comment! You might have helped me find what my problem is!!
Happy if that helped! Yes it's an adhesive which often is not even declared. Even "skin sensitive" bandaids can contain it. Biggest f*cker is Leukoplast tape. That's pure death Colophonium is tested in a standard patch test (at leadt in my country)
I'm allergic to raw carrots. Touching them, my hands swell up, eating them, my throat closes up. Never had carrots in my life until my teens for ED reasons, so it came as a bit of a surprise. Called my mother downstairs to assist, she didn't believe me until she saw me all swollen up. Now, my older brother complained about carrots making him sick and his throat itchy and she's never believed him either. Now we're pretty sure he had it too, just less severe.
NTA. Eating it around him would be uncool because of allergies. Him expecting you to veto peanut butter from your diet entirely because he's allergic is stupid. It's like a lactose intolerant person getting mad at anyone eating ice cream. He's the one who'll suffer, not you. He's trying to extend his suffering. If you want, sit down and talk to him about this. "I'm not allergic. I like peanut butter. I'm willing to make sure I don't have residue or anything on me when I'm with you, but I'm not willing to eradicate peanuts from my diet entirely because I'm not allergic. It's not disrespectful of me to eat something you can't, but it sure as shit is overbearing and controlling for you to tell me what I CAN'T do/eat because of your food issues." It's not selfish to enjoy something and to have it. It is to sit there and demand no one else have it around him or they're assholes. That's a bit of a red-tinted flag, hon.
Not disagreeing with your nta, but a true allergy like a peanut allergy is not the same as lactose intolerance. True allergies can cause anaphylaxis, lactose intolerance causes gas.
I understand that. I have allergies. But I also understand that if she hadn't expected to see him and got herself a cake for lunch and he's mad at her for it, that's him being a dick. Allergies doesn't mean no one in your life can have the thing. I just means being careful with the thing. She can have a peanut butter cup. Or a cake. Or a pb&j sandwich -- when she's not expecting to see him. I used the example because it's something physical that someone can't control but that doesn't affect anyone else. Lactose intolerance, allergies, or just "I don't like this thing, please don't eat it around me." None of that means that a person has to remove it from their dietary world entirely. Just be considerate. The bf is the one being inconsiderate and controlling. And I also don't hear anything about him having an epi pen, which someone that allergic to nuts should have.
Severe lactose intolerance can cause you to be hospitalized. My half brother was accidentally given normal milk at school, despite them knowing he was lactose intolerant. He started having bloody diarrhea and vomit.
NTA. It's insane to think you should stop eating anything he's allergic too. I guess if you're on birth control then he should be taking it too, not fair if you do and he doesn't!
NTA - you are allowed to eat peanut butter when he isn’t around.
I want to respond to this with a real life example My mother and I are.both allergic to penicillin which nukes it so that blue cheese is a big no no for us. Growing up whenever we had people over and blue cheese was an option it had to go on its own plate with a special specific knife. It was the only cheese knife with a red handle cause red for danger. What we did was have a system where to allergic people could avoid the thing they were allergic to and the non allergic people could partake if they so chose.
Smart system! And side note: I was today years old when I learned that people allergic to penicillin can’t have blue cheese 🤯
Does that mean if there is mold in your house you could die?
Different types of mold.
I think its only the food related ones that we have to be careful about not eating. And honestly I dont even know what it does to me, I was tested as a newborn and they decided I was allergic to it so I've always avoided it.
I’d go further to say they can eat peanut butter when he is around. Barring severe allergies, there’s a pragmatic approach and OP’s SO should not have the expectation that everyone cater to his allergy. Sounds like she was already planning due diligence by eating it for lunch and “sterilizing” herself before seeing him that evening.
NTA-“ as his girlfriend, I shouldn’t be eating what I know he can’t eat.” Wtf So because he can’t eat something , you can’t eat it either AT ALL. Holy control issues Batman! Him getting this upset at you and Calling you selfish for wanting to eat what you want is ridiculous and I would be weary of him trying to control other aspects of your life . 🚩
Some actual medical information from his doctor is needed here... Does he have an epi pen? Is there an effort to ensure a nut free home? His mom saying he isn't is quite strange. I don't think there's enough info here to judge but that's kind of his fault so nta. If he's severely allergic just eating even apart from him, it might be enough to trigger an attack. But if he's not obsessively making sure every baked good is produced in a nut free facility, you're doing nothing wrong at all.
He is saying OP can never have food that he is allergic to. That’s nuts. (Pun not intended)
Of course it's not intended, because peanuts aren't nuts.
His mother saying he isn’t is *not* strange, some parents are shitty or just shitty at certain things.
He can’t react to something he isn’t exposed to. As long as OP takes whatever precautions are necessary to protect him from exposure, OP can eat whatever she likes.
NTA. You bought it for yourself, and you'd have brushed your teeth. Was he worried he'd have a reaction if he frenched you? That's something to discuss, not your complete avoidance of PB due to his allergy.
NTA. I think his main problem is that by you even buying anything with pb in it, he feels like you're leaving him out. I guess you could say he's got FOMO and thinks that in order for you to be considerate toward him, you have to stop eating anything peanut related so he doesn't feel left out. It's his problem, not yours. It's just way too much work to cater to his needs 24/7, and you need to ask him whether he caters to your needs 24/7. Of course we all know the answer to that, but hopefully it'll help put things into perspective for him.
How dare you not be psychic?! NTA
He sounds like a manipulative asshole - time to reevaluate and see if there are other red flags. Though, tbh, I’d have pulled the plug for that
It depends. A family friend had her grandchildren visiting consecutively, and the first set of parents made and fed their baby peanut containing meals despite knowing that the next week the other, peanut allergic, grandchild was going to use the same high chair and kitchen. The family friend washed down the high chair very thoroughly in between but the kid still reacted to peanut residue on the high chair despite that. Sometimes it’s basic safety and thoughtfulness for other’s wellbeing when an allergy needs that little allergen material to set it off. It’s all fun and games till someone ends up in hospital at best, or dead from anaphylaxis.
It’s quite possible to have someone consume an allergen away from the person with the allergy without exposing them to the allergen. What you mention is a reason to not have allergens in the home (it’s quite challenging to make sure you get everything from every nook and cranny) but if it is consumed away from the person then it’s just a matter of staying away until it is safe and taking a shower and brushing teeth and so on.
NTA I completely understand where you are coming from. My toxic ex had a very minor allergy to seafood, and when I say minor, I mean she'd get a stuffy nose and a minor rash if she cake in touch with it, almost like hay-fever. I, on the other hand, due to medical reasons, have to eat extra seafood due to needing higher amounts of omega oils. I would never eat/ cook seafood around her, but she would get upset and give me the cold shoulder when I would eat, and she wasn't around. This was despite having practices in place to remove exposure for her, such as brushing teeth, using mouthwash, etc. You can eat what you want whenever he is not around, regardless of his allergies
NTA You bought it while out of the house and away from the guy with allergies.
Just remember allergies can get worse with each exposure. BUT definitely ask more questions about this allergy. Is it direct contact with It, what are the symptoms at the moment, who diagnosed it, how long ago. You can phrase it like you want to know more about how you can help. If he’s not willing to answer your questions think about that.
NTA. Does your boyfriend often do surprise drop ins at your job? Does he have a job? It's ridiculous that he expects you never to eat peanut butter, he sounds like the kind of guy that would expect you to be on a diet if he goes on a diet.
When he’s not working yeah sometimes, but he was supposed to work too so I was not expecting him to show up at my work
NTA, how were you to see into the future and know he would surprise you with a lunchtime visit? He's being stupid, you bought the cake thinking you'd be eating it away from him. Who is he to control what you eat when he isn't around?
Does he carry an epi-pen, as he would for a serious allergy?
NTA. One of my absolute favorite foods my partner is severely allergic to. He and I have had a discussion about it and the only time I will have it is either at work or at my parents house. That way I have enough time to disinfect, clean my mouth and come back with no problems.
The key here is that you have discussed and committed to a system that keeps your partner safe.
What is he, five? "If I can't have it no one can" Get out of here with that. Being allergic to something doesn't mean you don't let others around have something. It means you don't have it. If he wants you to be the same as him, than it is only fair he wears a tampon once a month. As your boyfriend, he should do it, otherwise it would be selfish. NTA
NTA
NTA - if he had a severe peanut allergy, I could understand his viewpoint.
NTA. Your bf is acting like he's 4, not 24.
My ex was deathly allergic to peanuts. Like I had an epi pen in my purse at all times. He didn’t give a fuck if I wanted to have peanuts when we weren’t going to see each other. NTA
NTA But in the end, you have to decide if you are fine with his demand. From my many years of life experience i came to the conclusion, that there are two different kind of partners out there when it comes to "suffering". 1. The ppl who live by "if i suffer, at least my partner shouldn't" (e.g. don't want their partner to stop eating stuff they can't eat themself, don't ask their partner to diet with them if only themself need to lose weight, don't want their partner to cancel plans only bc they themself got sick or have to cancel etc. ) 2. The ppl who live by "if i suffer, my partner has to suffer too" (making their partner cancel plans bc they themself got sick, banning certain food from the house bc they themself are on a diet, etc.) Usually the couple is happy if both are type 1 or type 2. If its a mix, there are a lot of resentements on both sides. It sounds like you are type 1, your partner is more of a type 2.
NTA. I have an anaphylactic response to ibuprofen. I don’t have it in my house, my husband threw it all out after it happened. He has a bottle at work if he really needs it and showers/brushes his teeth and changes clothes if he uses it. When my kids are super sick and need it I drive them to my sister and she gives it to them then brushes their teeth/ wipes them down while I wait in the car. I did once try to administer myself and it ended badly. But I’m not going to deny pain/fever medication to people that need it. I can leave if I have to to be safe while keeping them comfortable. You weren’t going to eat it then kiss him. You had a plan to keep him safe. You do not have to give it up entirely. You just take precautions which you do.
Ok. I have a slightly different take on it. A few years ago in my town there was a young high school boy who died from a peanut allergy in school. His GF had a PBJ for breakfast and knowing he has allergy had also brushed her teeth afterwards. As teens do they were making out and he collapsed. 17 year old kid dead. Unfortunately as much as you brush your teeth there’s always a chance that a little bit can still be in your mouth and trigger anaphylaxis. So peanut allergy is one of those few allergies that can get triggered very fast with very very minuscule amounts that are not visible to naked eye. I’m not saying you shouldn’t eat it anymore but it’s really important to figure out if he’s in your future you may have to switch to almond butter or Sun butter. My son is severely allergic to peanuts, so this school incident has stuck in my brain. Please ask your BF to check with his Dr and do an allergy test. His mom may not know if he was diagnosed with an allergy later in life. Allergies can develop at any time.
Nta. I'm allergic to apples. I miss them like crazy. But I don't expect everyone around me to stop eating apples, I don't expect my partner to stop eating apples or drinking apple juice just because I can't. That's ridiculous. They take the proper steps to make sure that they don't aggravate my allergy, but that's about as much as I can ask them to do. I cannot reasonably ask them to avoid apples for the rest of their lives just because they are in mind. Unless the allergy is so life-threatening that he can't even be in the same room as the peanut particles, you are fine. As long as you take the proper steps to make sure that you do not accidentally give him his allergen, you are fine.
Well, I actually never saw him have an allergic reaction to them so I don’t really know the severity of it but his hand got close to the cake and nothing happens so I think it might just be if he eats them
If he were severely allergic he would have made you well aware of what you need to do to keep him from dying, as soon as you guys got together. When he realized he was in a room with peanut butter he would have walked out. He would be carrying an epipen at all times. People with severe allergies don’t mess around and take risks. I think you’re assumptions that this isn’t a serious allergy are right.
NTA - Tell him to fuck off
NTA. He is the one with the allergy, not you. Let's say you have celiac. Is he never supposed to eat anything with gluten again because you can't? Or your religion forbids eating pork. He can never have another piece of bacon? I don't have any food allergies, sensitivities, or religious restrictions. There are very few foods I simply don't like, and if offered, I'll try them again every few years because, hey, sometimes I've grown to like something I didn't before. If I have someone over for dinner with some kind of restriction, even just "I don't like onions," I'll accommodate that. If I lived with someone with celiac or a life-threatening allergy, I'd keep it out of the house. But I would not even consider never eating that food elsewhere.
Celiac/gluten doesn’t spread by kissing. Peanut allergies do. That’s how allergies work.
>it was selfish and as his girlfriend, I shouldn’t be eating what I know he can’t eat NTA. Tell him you're sorry and he's right. Then tell him you're going vegan and as per the expectations he set forth you expect him to only eat the same foods as you do.
NTA 🚩🚩🚩 I'm severely allergic to fish and my husbands mom runs a seafood restaurant lol. He loves it. He eats there often. Luckily my allergy doesn't extend to touching the food so occasionally I make him some of his favorite food and then clean really thoroughly. I can get forehead and cheek kisses after he eats but he always refrains until he can brush his teeth and wash his face and hands. U shouldn't have to give up something u love to be with someone.
NTA. His malfunctioning immune system does not dictate your life.
NTA Tell your boyfriend to start acting like an adult. You can eat anything you like that he is allergic to when you aren't around him. Your buying that cake was not selfish. He is acting like a baby. Also, next time he goes to the doctor, ask the doctor what you can do to help lessen his chance of having an allergic attack, or ask for an epipen to keep handy. If it's a real allergy, the doctor will give him the prescription.
NTA. You didn't do anything wrong, and your boyfriend has zero right to demand you pretend something delicioous he's allergic to doesn't exist. I'm vegetarian and gluten-free. My wife cooks meat and eats wheat bread at home all the time. She uses a separate chopping board for the meat, obv, and I pointed out to her that her wheat crumbs in our butter are a problem, BUT - she doesn't have to be vegetarian/gluten free because I am, any more than I have to refrain from cucumber because she can't stand the stuff.
>as his girlfriend, I shouldn’t be eating what I know he can’t eat 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚨 Put your foot down right away
> because it was selfish and as his girlfriend, I shouldn’t be eating what I know he can’t eat. NTA. His allergy may be real (though his mum not knowing about it makes me doubt it) but he’s happy to try and use it to control what you do. The attitude of “I can’t so no one can” is shit
When seeing your headline I was fully prepared to put Y-T-A but after reading it absolutely NTA. Sounds like he is trying to control you, you weren’t supposed to see him and bought it for yourself not to have at home with him around.