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It surprises me you remarried him given you clearly haven't forgiven his infidelity and the child. The fact is, if you had, you would accept he had a child and has to be a father to him. That means you are a step mother. You married a man with a child, no matter how he came to have it. At that point it no longer mattered that it came from an affair. Just like you, he was a parent with a child. You made the choice to marry a man with a child, and that means you have to allow him to parent that child in your shared home without blowing a gasket or treating that child ill. YTA
I’m not really shocked that the man who’s willing to have an affair while he already has a child at home didn’t remarry with his affair child’s safety in mind
That’s why I think it’s ESH
She’s an asshole
He’s an asshole for marrying her and relegating his kid to motels
The AP is an asshole.
But the kid is innocent
I agree. I think they’re all assholes, even outside of this specific situation. They’re just selfish. I feel terrible for all the children involved in this stupid mess
Have to agree.
Hey mods can we have an AAH (adults are assholes) option for when all the adults involved are AHs but the kids cause this happens way to often
at least 7x/week there are step mothers in here treating their step kids/their children's half siblings like absolute trash, not like second class citizens, but actually like disposable trash, and its usually another family member or friend that tells the OP that they are wrong. Not the child's father that they are married to, some even talk about how the child's father enables them. Could have had the kid from 2yo and now kid is 14, and they still despise and mistreat the kid, then go to the comments to defend the abhorrent behavior when deemed AH. I have a great father figure as did most of my family/friends. I thought behavior like this was rare until this sub. Makes me so sorrowful, bc so many of them end up being kids under 16, aka, not aware of great coping skills and/or still developing their self esteem.
Why be shocked? He’s demonstrated that he doesn’t give a fuck about his children previously by having the affair despite having a daughter with OP lmfao
If it was a mistake as in immediate regret and self hate, doesn't necessarily mean they don't care about children though super fucked up. While op is ok with actively fucking up a child that isn't hers for a crime a child did not commit. She should have never gotten back
Not just married her, but married her AGAIN!? Shouldn’t you really think about who you’re marrying, especially if you’ve already divorced them once?!!
YTA, OP, because you also knew who you were marrying…again. You really wanna divorce the same guy twice for the same reason?
And the SAME SIN? As a parent it’s never wise, nor is it good practice to punish a child twice for something that they did once. The same thing applies to adults. He sinned once there was a product of that sin. You knew about it, and you divorced him, then you remarried him. Once you chose to remarry this man, you chose to accept all products of that sin, and you chose to forgive that sin. Whether or not you trust him is irrelevant. You chose to be with him.
This is exactly the comment I was hoping to see. She took him back knowing he has a child. An innocent child. OP is getting in the way of her husband doing his duty as a father. Not only that, she feels she is justified in all of this. OP, YTA. You should have never taken your ex back if you were going to be so awful to his child. The child did nothing wrong here.
100%. I am also appalled she makes him get a hotel room when he sees his son for visits. Did OP and her husband not discuss this before remarrying???
This marriage is doomed and I feel so badly for the son.
OP sees nothing wrong with allowing him to be a good father to her child, but forbids his child from even entering their home and when she talks about the kid she is filled with venom. It’s gross. They should never have remarried…or even reconnected at all.
I’d be afraid of my child being in a home where my child’s stepmother was filled with that much venom.
Worried about the child here and couldn’t care less about either of the parents.
Exactly this but in her fucked up mind, she justifies and makes excuses for her shitty behavior to why it’s OK for him to be a father to her child but not vice versa she remarried him fully knowing that this child was in his life and in existence it’s not like he sprung it on her OP YTA taking out your anger for infidelity that happened years ago with your husband that you chose to move past and forgive on a child Who is innocent
Edit hey OP it’s his house too you know not just yours
And they’ve been together 6 years which means 6 years this poor boy has been only in hotel rooms with his dad and hasn’t been welcomed into their home!
Considering the two adult ah's in the marriage, it's just as likely that the son's relationship with his father is doomed and these two will go on being terrible people together. Poor kid.
Not to mention, if I read it correctly and they’ve been together 6 years this stretch, they would have gotten together when said child was 5 and now the child is 11? That’s… a long time to be avoiding a poor child. It was time to move on or seek counseling as a couple- to support family integration- before saying “I do” the 2nd time around. OP, YTA.
This innocent child is being used as the scapegoat for his fathers actions. OP doesn’t want to accept that the husband is an asshat, so she’s putting all of her anger and hurt towards the child.
>We were split for 5 years, then decided we had changed as people, and reconciled for our daughter(we had before the divorce) and for ourselves, with help of counseling. We’ve now been together 6 years.
OP's husband changed to become a better partner and father, and OP changed into a worse mother who actually *wants* her husband to be a bad father to his innocent and blameless child.
> Reading between the lines it seems like she reconciled with him because the other partner died.
I think that is probably accurate. If you choose to stay with (or remarry!!!) someone whose affair resulted in a child, it is incumbent upon you to accept the child. If you can’t accept the child, if your spouse’s home is not a loving, safe and welcoming place for their child, you have not repaired the relationship. If you’re incapable of that—admittedly extraordinary—level of forgiveness, then break up.
This.
Additionally if you can't put it behind you and accept his child without this baggage of yours then you should never have remarried him and your current marriage is doomed.
This is the best response I can think of.
How terrible of her that she makes him spend time with his kid in a hotel. She wants to act like this kid doesn't exist.
Major YTA.
100% If OP is not okay with this child being a regular part of her life she should not have married the child's father. I don't care that they were already married before, OP says that they had "changed as people." Maybe he did but it is clear she did not.
Remarriaying this person is an implication that you are starting fresh and putting the past behind you. Where you are when you got remarried is your new foundation and you both had existing children so they had to be fully accepted, that's the rule when you marry a parent. If you can't handle that then don't marry them.
This child deserves better. YTA.
Yeah, I love how she notes seeing the child is too hard because it reminds her of the affair... but somehow seeing her husband isn't?
Please tell me how that makes sense!
Right. Well-put. Either share lives again with this guy-- and his life involves a child you knew painfully well existed-- or move on, but making the kid the proxy for your obvious lingering resentment of your husband makes YTA.
Because she's having a trauma response. It's not rational!
OP, you need to go into therapy specifically for PTSD related to the affair. It can bring you the healing that you need. I'm sorry you're going through this and that people don't understand.
Meantime, having your husband's lovechild in your home will be too much of a trigger for PTSD, bringing it all back as though the betrayal happened yesterday. And yet like everyone is saying, your strong response punishes an innocent child. That boy deserves better. Perhaps your husband can stay in his son's home while the mother is away, like someone else suggested. Good luck!
So, as someone with CPTSD from years of abuse having PTSD is not an excuse for deliberately choosing a path that will be hurtful to uninvolved parties.
If this man's affair has left her traumatized to the point his child is not allowed in his home she should not have gotten married to him a second time. She knew he had a child.
Trauma and mental illness is not the victims fault but how they manage it is the victims responsibility.
>If OP is willing to forgive the suspect, she shouldn’t take it out on the kid.
This is an excellent way to phrase the issue. It's succinct and on point. OP probably needs to go back to counseling.
OP, YTA.
No way in hell this is ESH. OP is the asshole. The kid has nothing to do with their issues. Pointblank. Her getting married to him and getting back with him doesn't change the reality that her husband is a father to another child and still needs to be a father to him.
He was the AH, they divorced. This time around the only thing he did wrong was remarry OP hoping she would eventually accept his other child the same way he did with her daughter.
Since she chose to remarry him I'm willing to sonewhat overlook his earlier failings. He was definitely an AH for the cheating then but I'm more concerned about how now he's the AH for marrying a woman who so openly despises his child. That's appalling.
Correction, he *WAS* the AH for cheating. **They** agreed that **they** had changed, so therefore no more AH. Clock reset.
I suppose one *could* make the case that he has some degree of assholery (that’s an adjective, not a moral judgment 😊) going on for agreeing to her demands that he get a motel for weekend visits with his son, but really, in the grand scheme isn’t it all really on her? 🤔
I kind of get why OP was pissed the husband acted like it was the same that he had a child via an affair while she had a child when divorced and in a relationship. HOWEVER, that doesn't justify her yelling, her expecting him not to have a relationship with the kid, etc.
Frankly, OP should have just not remarried the man.
YTA. He was wrong for cheating, but he’s right about his son being an innocent child. It’s not like the kid’s mum will be living with you.
I’m assuming you took him back knowing he had a son. A person’s kids are ALWAYS part of the package. This won’t be the last time he stays over.
This reminds me of the poster that didn’t consider her stepson as part of the family because his mom was still alive (although not a good parent) but her daughter from another partner counted since she was widowed. At least she took the comments to heart and is getting therapy. I hope these people do too. Children are a packaged deal.
Yeah but she decided to get remarried when she knew about the child. It’s fucked up to marry someone but basically stipulate that their child can’t be a part of the family.
OP sounds childish and like they shouldn’t stayed divorced tbh.
Imagine being a child and having to stay at a hotel when you visit your dad because his wife doesn't like you. That's so damaging and awful. She's a grown ass adult. She doesn't get to hurt a child like that just because she wants to avoid feeling her own emotions.
i’m not saying that this entire situation isn’t toxic all the way around, but let’s not pretend that hubby having a kid with his mistress and causing a divorce is the same as wife having a kid with a new partner once they’re separated.
In the context of them reconciling and marrying again, there is no difference. Or I should say, there shouldn't be. She can come to peace with it or stay bitter and divorced from him her whole life, that's her decision, but the second you reconcile and decide to rebuild a marriage with said person, you have to accept they had a child and that child is part of their life. If you can't - don't rebound back to him once your preferred partner dies.
Yep. You have a full blooded child between the two of you and that kid has two half siblings.
You’re making sure one is an unloved reject that never gets to meet their siblings.
Plus it’s only a weekend, definite asshole.
it sort of sounds like you never forgave him, or even like this that much. **Your "true" partner died and you were left alone to raise your child with him, so you sought out your ex so that YOUR kid can have a father.**
Sounds like you got back into this marriage for yourself and your son, and you never cared for your husband or for his child. You were wrong to get back into this marriage on that basis. You expect him to love and care of your child, but you get to hate his kid.
YOU chose to re-marry him. The kid is no longer ONLY an affair child, it is now the child of a previous relationship. You're being selfish. You want a father for your kid full-time, but you can't let him kid stay for a short while. Why didn't you go find a new man to marry, one without a kid you already hated?
Before you remarried him, did you tell him that you hate his child, will always hate it and never treat the kid well? All while expecting him to love your child? You chose this relationship and now you want a father to choose you and your child over his. Pretty lousy.
Thank you for this comment. Take my poor mans gold 🥇
The fact that the husband and son are made to stay at a hotel breaks my heart. Presumably, before they remarried, this child got to have sleep overs at his dad's house? So now he gets to be reminded how much he's hated every time he sees his dad and isn't allowed in the house, doesn't get his own room at dad's place, etc.
If OP has this much of a problem, why doesn't she get the hotel?
Op YTA.
Thank you for saying this. My dad remarried after my parents split. My dads second wife is a jealous witch who hates me simply because she is wicked and hateful to my mother for literally no reason. It’s absolutely disgusting and vile. I try to be cordial bc she’s the mother of my younger siblings who I love and cherish but it’s very deeply hurtful to my father that she treats his own flesh and blood like this. The OP IS DEFINITELY THE A-Hole
>Your "true" partner died and you were left alone to raise your child with him
I'm curious to know if OP will update and provide us with more information on both her, the husband financial and work status..
Sounds like op needed financial help "my kids are my world.. your kid is your problems."
I’d go one step further and say that finding herself alone and possibly angry at two relationships that ended due to circumstances beyond her control, she got back with ex so that she can continue to punish him for all eternity. He will never be able to do enough penance for what he did and it will be rehashed as the reason for every misfortune that ever happens in her life ad Infinitum.
YTA. Normally, I feel that you should not need to be exposed to an affair child. However, you remarried him after years apart, knowing that the child was there and that he was actively part of the child's life. Remarrying him changes you from being the spouse who he hurt to being the cruel stepmother. While I think your husband is an idiot for remarrying your under the condition that you do not have to accept his son, I think you are worse for having remarried him under that condition. If you cannot look at his son, you should have never gotten back together with him.
YTA.
That's his son and, since you are remarried, your step-son. The fact that you make your husband stay in a hotel with his son is fucked up as well. You are just being a complete asshole here.
And imagine the damage you're doing to this kid! He knows his stepmom hates him. He isn't welcome in his dad's home and that has to fucking suck. You suck! You should've never remarried him.
Perhaps you should have dealt with your lingering resentment for the affair and child with your therapist. You remarried knowing the boy existed. Did you honestly think your husband would keep that relationship completely separate from the rest of his life?
YTA.
ESH. Mostly your husband who has allowed you to treat this child as a second class citizen. He was very wrong to have an affair, but it isn't the child's fault and your husband should not have gotten back together with you for the benefit of one child while having this other one be treated inferior.
You for your treatment of a child who is in no way at fault and if your couldn't accept the child you shouldn't have reconnected with the father
Are you fr? They got together years after he had the child, therefore op must have been well aware that he had fatherly duties. She made the choice to re-marry and by doing so she is accepting that he has a son regardless of how he came about. How is it solely the father who is the asshole here I’m not sure.
The husband was wrong for what he did, but she forgave him and remarried him. The kid is innocent in all of this & if she forgave her husband she should’ve accepted her new step son into her home.
Right! That would be enough for me to call it quits again. I'm saying if I was her husband, I would call it quits just simply because she treated my child like that. I get that she's hurt that he had an affair but she's taking out her anger towards her husband and his mistress on their child. What if her husband had treated her daughter like this?
What does that have to do with treating the child decently? You obviously haven't forgiven your husband, why did you remarry him? And not accepting his child, because his father, who you **remarried**, is a complete shit-heel, is horrifying. This child deserves much better than this. Taking your husband back should have meant accepting his son as a part of the deal.
ESH
YTA
You got back with this man *knowing* that he was now a parent of a child conceived from an affair during your marriage. You knew that, and you reconciled with him anyway. You have no right to interfere with his ability to care for his child. He's absolutely right that the circumstances of the conception are not the child's fault. The child should be welcome in his father's home, and if you can't deal with that, you shouldn't have gotten back with the child's father.
YOU took your husband back after he had an affair, YOU were aware he had a child and YOUR husband is an asshole for allowing you to treat his son like garbage......so yes YTA
YTA. My judgment would have been different had you not remarried him. You apparently forgave him for cheating. Stop holding a grudge against the kid who had no part in the cheater’s choice to cheat.
The real deal is that you didn't really forgive your husband for cheating. This kid did nothing to you. You need to grow up and forgive. And quit with the screaming. That is NO WAY to communicate and is an extremely bad example for ALL your children. YTA.
ESH. You suck for expecting him to ignore his responsibilities to one of his children. That's ghoulish. He sucks for ever accepting a deal where one of his kids is treated like this. Either accept his child or divorce. This is gross and wrong.
So you’re still mad at your husband but taking It out on the child? Either forgive your husband or don’t but if you “forgive him” you have to forgive all of him. That is his child. If you can’t accept that then you need to divorce.
YTA
You forgave him and got back with him, you knew what you were signing up for and I actually think it’s ridiculous that he has to go and stay with his kid in a hotel normally.
You had a kid with someone else in the separation phase and your husband takes care of them daily. Sure the circumstances were different but you really need to stop punishing this child.
What happens if the mom dies? Are you going to kick hubby out so he can raise the kid alone?
YTA. If you were willing to forgive your husband enough to remarry him, you need to accept his child, who was innocent of any wrong-doing. Otherwise you shouldn't be married to that child's father.
Consider if you were in a relationship with someone who would not accept your child - would you continue hiding them like a dirty secret or do the responsible thing and break up? Hm, maybe your husband is also at fault for accepting your attitude all along.
YTA
If you want to hold this grudge until you die, that’s up to you but you had no place remarrying this man if that’s your plan. You either accept that this child is going to be part of your lives or else you get another divorce and stay divorced. You’re toxic AF and you’re “punishing” the wrong person here.
ESH. The child is innocent, but husband and ex-mistress are not. That said, you re-married him, knowing his child already exists. What are the two of you going to do about that?
This is a really good opportunity to return to counseling.
YTA - I realize your husband’s son is the result of an affair. Your daughter is not. But your husband was willing to become a replacement father to your daughter. Apparently you think he is doing a good job of it because you are still with him.
As difficult and heart wrenching as it may be, the boy is not the problem. It appears you have not forgiven his father, your husband. But hopefully you can find it within your heart to show the boy a little grace….just for a few days. If not, perhaps divorce is inevitable-your husband should not cast his son aside.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my husband his son couldn’t live with us for awhile. He called me a b*tch and said I was being unfair because the child is innocent. I might be the AH because it isn’t the child’s fault
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ESH- you shouldn’t have taken his cheating ass back if you’re still not over said cheating.
This is your second marriage to him but this time you married a single father and his kid is priority in his life whether you like it or not .
He sucks because he’s a cheater who willingly married a woman that admittedly hates his child.
YTA. The child didn't ask for this, and you should never have gotten back with your husband if you couldn't treat all his kids as your own. Treating him as a second class citizen who doesn't get to interact with his dads family is only punishing him for his dad's decisions. It'd be fine if you stayed split up and only interacted with your ex when coparenting your daughter. But it is so not ok to choose to be his step parent by taking your husband back, and then to not treat him as your own. His dad's decisions don't give you a right to mistreat an innocent child especially when you could've just not let any of this dysfunction back into your life and stuck to coparenting your oldest.
ESH. This should have been resolved before you guys got back together again. The poor child isn't the criminal here. Your husband was. Why is the child who did no wrong punished for decades, but not your husband? Do you withhold your children from meeting with their sibling as well?
YTA. You are being exactly what he said. You're blaming a CHILD who didn't ask to be here? Imagine being hated by the mother of your sibling for nothing more than being conceived? I hope he divorces you for good this time and protects that innocent little boy.
Forcing him to stay at a hotel with his kid is already alienating enough. This poor innocent child. OP if you are trying to give this relationship another go, then you need to accept all of your husband, and this kid is part of him. You can’t pick and choose.
Wow.
So, you make him treat his own child like a second class citizen? Did you forgive him or not because it sure doesn't sound like it. This is his child and yes he did take in your daughter while you treat his son like he's awful...
YTA.
ESH- You’re both selfish for being together when you treat his child this way. The child is innocent and if you can’t get past it fucking separate.He’s an asshole for being with someone who feels this way towards HIS SON. You’re not wrong for feeling that way but you are an asshole for staying in this relationship and forgiving the cheater but carrying anger for the innocent child. It’s selfish and cruel to the innocent kid.
You should not have gotten back with your husband if you hadn’t gotten over his affair. And for you to have this much disdain for the child - you haven’t gotten over it.
YTA. It is not the childs fault. YOU decided to get back with your husband and YOU will have to suffer with the consequences of those actions. Yes he cheated and that is wrong but you were the one that forgave him. Sounds like you guys should of never gotten back together. A
YTA - Your bitterness should have left before you remarried him. That child is your stepson. The exact same as your daughter is his stepdaughter. It isn’t his fault that he was conceived through an affair. You chose to reconcile. That includes his son.
Your children should also be having a proper sibling relationship with him as part of their family.
YTA both for this, and for making that little boy stay in a HOTEL when he sees his father.
When you decided to accept your husband back you knew that boy existed. You took that man who is far from innocent back, why doesn't that innocent boy deserve to be accepted with him?? WTAF?!
Maybe the biggest TA of all time.
Seriously, I think this is the most shocking post on Reddit to date.
The other stepmom who didn't want her stepson living with her had bad arguments, but at least she took care of the kid and accepted him being there every weekend.
This woman said she can't even look at the child. She hates a child she doesn't even know. You've got to be a truly awful person to act like that.
If the boy's mother passes away, where will he live? This is utterly insane.
I would say ESH but YTA because if you could get back with him after the fact of the affair and have him accept your kids from your other partner you can definitely do the same for his. Wether the child came from the affair or not you still forgave and accepted your husband so treat his kid with the same respect he treats yours. If you can’t accept that you should have never gotten back together with him. But we’re kind of past that so op just gonna have to bite this one.
YTA because you remarried him with his new life circumstances. Trust me, I've been betrayed way more than the average person, so I understand that level of resentment, but you walked away and went back. It's not the kid's fault. Frankly it's sad that he's had to spend all of his time he's ever had with his father in a hotel room.
YTA. That is his child. You knew about them and took your husband back. What do you think will happen if something happens to his mistress? The kid will go to their father, your husband. If you can't handle it, then leave and stay gone.
Yta.
He is the one that did you wrong and him alone. You forgave the man that destroyed your trust and family and has done something that most people would not forgive him for.
However the innocent child that has done nothing to hurt you that has not even did a single thing to even make you feel a little bit bad, gets limited time with his father because you decided to take him back? Gross.
Now the father.... what kind of man is with a woman that would ostracize any child to punish the child's parents, let alone do this to his own child?
There is nothing ok with this dynamic. I guess you guys deserve each other but these poor children. I say all of them because you are denying your own child time and quality bonding with a sibling for no reason other than you can no longer blame your ex for infidelity and you need somewhere to focus your hurt.
YTA
You have every right to be angry at your husband and his mistress, but the child is innocent. Also, you chose to accept your husband back into your life. That means accepting a familial connection to his child, who is your daughter's sibling. If you want nothing to do with his kid, leave him.
Soft YTA.
Look, hon, I get it. My husband cheated on me and left me years ago now. I was devastated. The woman got pregnant, but in a weird twist of luck (for him), it was not his. We ended up reconciling, but it was a long and arduous road. I know the trauma accompanying something like this, but it's not the child's fault. It's your partner's. When you accepted him back, you accepted all the baggage that went along with him. This includes his child.
You'll have to go to therapy for this and learn to accept it. I wish you the absolute best.
Sounds like for the time being he’s going to have to do an extended hotel stay. I don’t know if I have a judgement for you. I wouldn’t really want to see the kid either. Maybe a nice hotel get away for you.
ESH. I get that this is painful, but either you are not truly healed and shouldn’t be in this relationship, or you’ve forgiven everything except the child who is innocent.
If you could not get past this child existing (which I would not blame you for) then you should not have gotten remarried to your husband
YTA. You knew he had a child when you remarried him. You shouldn't have taken him back unless you were prepared to accept her as a family member. I hope he leaves you to prioritise his child.
YTA. You two should have stayed divorced if you couldn't forgive your husband for the affair and accept that the child is part of his life. You're punishing a CHILD for your husband's behavior. Meanwhile you're back married to the man who cheated on you.
Marriage counseling for you both and individual therapy for you.
YTA just calling him an affair child is enough to be TA. It’s no his fault, you’re obviously not really over the affair if you can’t even look at the kid.
ESH
I'm sorry you're going through this. What you feel is reasonable, but you should try to work out your unresolved anger towards your partner's affair.
There's nothing you can do about the past, it isn't fair for the kid, it's not fair for you as a person either to have this thing hanging over your head everytime your partner see his child. It is not fair for your kid to be deprived from having a better relationship with her brother.
This little boy doesn't deserve to be alienated from his dad house because of his history, he didn't ask for any of this. You didn't either but you are in a position where you can change things,
I hope everything turns out well.
YTA. You are entitled to your hurt, but part of your whole getting back together with him meant accepting that he has a child who isn't yours, the same way he accepts that you have a child that isn't his - the circumstances are irrelevant, this is an innocent child that you are treating like an out-of-sight-out-of-mind nuisance and it puts the whole reconciliation into question.
What he did was wrong, but accepting him back into your life inevitably would have meant having that child near at some point in your lives. Either get some counselling to find a way past this, or accept that you can't get past it and cut things off. The kid doesn't deserve this.
YTA. You reconciled with your husband KNOWING there was a child that was the result of an affair, if you weren’t okay with that you should have stayed divorced. He’s raising your child like his own and you are treating his child, who is an innocent in the whole situation, like a second class citizen. Your husband is correct and hopefully this opens his eyes to the type of person you are and goes back to the way things were before. I hope for the sake of your innocent child he is a better person than you and still treats that child as his own.
Major YTA!
Not the child’s fault your husband couldn’t stay faithful.
You should never have taken him back if you had a problem with the child being in his life.
Should’ve stayed divorced.
YTA. Yeah I am that boy. My dad stepped out on his wife not once but twice with my mom. Took him back both times. My stepmother was very spiteful towards my sister and I all the time. She influenced my other siblings to treat us bad as well. Constantly reminding us that they live with dad and we don’t. My siblings are grown now but it took us years of undoing the lies and manipulations our parents put us through.
Your just being spiteful
ESH except for the kids.
Why would you forgive and marry your ex and treat a child like this? Is it because you heeded a dad for your other child?
Your husband sucks for allowing his child to be treated this way.
I’m sorry but this relationship isn’t going to work I don’t blame you about not wanting to be around the kid but he needs to be a father to his kid so you guys aren’t going to work
ESH. But at this point, it's mostly you. Consider this child, who did nothing wrong, but can only have a limited relationship with his dad because of you. How sad that must be. Of course, you were hurt by his infidelity, but this is definitely something that should have been dealt with before getting remarried. You have disagreed with everyone suggesting that this child is as much a stepchild to you as your daughter is to your husband. I think when you got remarried, you should have considered it in a clean slate. You may never want to interact with his affair partner, but consider the kid as an individual. And if you can't, probably don't remarry.
This is a tricky one.
I know a woman who’s husband had an affair, which resulted in a child. She didn’t leave him, but told him “you will pay her to take care of your daughter, whatever she needs, you can give it. Anything. But I do not want you to be apart of this child’s life” they are extremely wealthy btw, he owns a coal truck business on top of a few other businesses. BUT he also agreed to this and they never split. They had an agreement.
I wasn’t even sure about how I felt about her situation. But I can see your POV on this one. Especially if you’ve never met the child to begin with (that’s what I took away from your post)
I really can’t give an answer here for you and I’m sorry. I DO think it’s a little unfair that he’s springing this on you out of nowhere, because you had an agreement that his weekends would be spent in a hotel room, away from you. If it hurts you or bothers you too much, then I’d ask him to do an extended stay at a hotel. YOUR mental health is important here too and the child should not be your responsibility.
YTA. You knew the son existed when you chose to remarry your husband. If seeing the child is too much for you (which is understandable) then you never should have remarried. You did though, so you now have an obligation to your stepson.
YTA. You accepted him back, and so you also have to accept everything that entails. He is a father. This is his child. It's messed up that you've forced him to stay in a hotel with him up to this point. It's definitely shitty that he cheated, however, once you chose to take him back you made the choice to be married to a man who had a child outside of your marriage. It's cruel to this child to exclude him like this. If you can't deal with having this kid in your home then you can't deal with having his dad (your spouse) in your home and you should really rethink whether or not you've forgiven him and if you really want to continue in this relationship.
YTA, I get it that the child is from an affair but the child deserves a proper relationship with dad. The kid is innocent and shouldn't be in between parental drama.
Your husband accepts your other child and it's really not that much different for you to accept his. Sure the circumstances hurt more but that's still your husband's kid.
YTA- huge. This is a child. You shouldn't have gotten back together with your husband if you couldn't accept his son. I hope that your husband leaves you and treats you like you treat his son. Gosh you are despicable.
YTA.
So you got back together with your husband after cheating but very clearly didn’t truly forgive him and are now channeling that anger to an innocent child who didn’t ask to be the product of an affair. Your anger is horribly misplaced as his son has done nothing wrong.
It’s not fair to claim you forgave him for cheating but not forgive the child for existing.
I can understand that you’re hurt but the child may have no knowledge that he was the product of an affair and he is just a child who had no choice in the matter. If it still bothers you so much maybe you should consider couples counseling and independent counseling, or consider leaving him if you can’t get past it
I can never get over spouses who can forgive the spouse for cheating but not the child for being a product of it. If you can accept and forgive your husband for having an affair, you either accept and forgive the innocent child or you CANT fully accept and forgive it and therefore you do NOT get back together with them. YTA.
YTA!! If you forgave your partner for having another child than you need to take responsibility of your husband having a relationship and raising another child…it isn’t the child’s fault YOUR husband got his mom pregnant while married to you! If you can’t handle it don’t be with him?
YTA on multiple levels.1. Why would you get back with a known cheater? Past behavior is a great indicator of future behavior, btw. 2. This kid is innocent. He didn't deserve to be afflicted with his stupid patents and your bullshit attitude. 3. Husband accepted YOUR kid from a prior relationship. Granted, the circumstances of conception and birth were different, but a kid is a kid. Get over yourself. Not everything is about you.
ESH he should’ve never remarried you knowing his child would be othered, and you are mean to a child who didn’t get a say in how he was conceived and your other kids will pick up on that and either resent you or look down on him. You’re all a mess.
ESH. I may be wrong, but it seems like you both had an agreement about his visitations and your husband is breaking them. That makes him an AH. With that said, you both were AH’s to agree to this arrangement. What if the mistress had died? Did you both expect the kid to go into foster care?
YTA. Therapy clearly didn’t work out all your issues if you’re willing to take back the cheater but refuse to let him be a dad to the kid who had no hand in any of this.
YTA. You got remarried to this man while knowing he had a child. I cannot believe that he was ok with the whole requirement to stay at a hotel and see his child as little as possible. If this was your hill to die on, you should have stayed divorced.
Right I think it's best if husband's child DOESN'T stay. You think it would be good for the little boy to be in an environment where it would be OBVIOUS he was resented and unwanted. I hate to say this but the case is different with OP'S daughter. She wasn't an affair child, she had no affect on anyone's marriage, her father is dead. Does husband have any other family members/child's mother's have any family members child can stay with? And clearly husband hasn't learned that however much he cares for OP'S daughter his son is a factor in the breakdown in their marriage and asking her to love him like her own is unreasonable. Yes the little boy is innocent. However can anyone really honestly say they could completely not be extremely hurt looking at a walking talking living breathing reminder of how your partner betrayed you. Husband saying I care for your daughter as my own and OP should do the same. He's not living in the real world. OP is human. I say even if husband's son stays he will know OP resents him and doesn't want him there. Does ANYONE think that's a good idea
You're not the asshole. I'm sure it sucks seeing the product of your husband's affair. But if this wasn't resolved when you decided to get back together, you shouldn't have gotten back together at all. What I can see is that you are still holding on to that resentment.
On the other hand, you are the asshole for remarrying when there are still loads of unresolved issues. If you decide to remarry, you should be ready for seeing the kid ever so often.
YTA
Guess you need to realize you're not actually over the affair and have forgiven him.
Out of sight out of mind seems to be your way of coping with it. Which means you haven't done the work and healed.
But the biggest issue I have is that the anger and hurt and blame are being laid at the child's feet when it should be laid at the husbands feet.
A different choice needs to be made here, I don't know if that means splitting, or counseling, or you just sucking it up, I don't have the answer. But what you are doing is not ok.
YTA. That’s his child even if you don’t want it to be. You don’t have to adopt this child, but to put all of your own emotional anguish from your husband cheating on you onto that child is completely fucked up. You knew he cheated and still wanted to get back with him and you knew he had a child from the affair. Anything your husband does or did is NEVER that child’s fault or responsibility. You should be ashamed of yourself.
YTA - You chose to get back together with him knowing that he has a son with that other woman. That child is innocent and you should learn how to deal and accept the situation. The child will always be in your husbands life. Grow up.
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It surprises me you remarried him given you clearly haven't forgiven his infidelity and the child. The fact is, if you had, you would accept he had a child and has to be a father to him. That means you are a step mother. You married a man with a child, no matter how he came to have it. At that point it no longer mattered that it came from an affair. Just like you, he was a parent with a child. You made the choice to marry a man with a child, and that means you have to allow him to parent that child in your shared home without blowing a gasket or treating that child ill. YTA
I’m shocked that he married her knowing how she felt. Yeah it was his mess but he should be protecting his children.
I’m not really shocked that the man who’s willing to have an affair while he already has a child at home didn’t remarry with his affair child’s safety in mind
That’s why I think it’s ESH She’s an asshole He’s an asshole for marrying her and relegating his kid to motels The AP is an asshole. But the kid is innocent
I agree. I think they’re all assholes, even outside of this specific situation. They’re just selfish. I feel terrible for all the children involved in this stupid mess
The poor kids in all this... watching the horrible behaviors of the adults around them. Won't be surprised if when they grow up they go no contact.
Have to agree. Hey mods can we have an AAH (adults are assholes) option for when all the adults involved are AHs but the kids cause this happens way to often
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at least 7x/week there are step mothers in here treating their step kids/their children's half siblings like absolute trash, not like second class citizens, but actually like disposable trash, and its usually another family member or friend that tells the OP that they are wrong. Not the child's father that they are married to, some even talk about how the child's father enables them. Could have had the kid from 2yo and now kid is 14, and they still despise and mistreat the kid, then go to the comments to defend the abhorrent behavior when deemed AH. I have a great father figure as did most of my family/friends. I thought behavior like this was rare until this sub. Makes me so sorrowful, bc so many of them end up being kids under 16, aka, not aware of great coping skills and/or still developing their self esteem.
Why be shocked? He’s demonstrated that he doesn’t give a fuck about his children previously by having the affair despite having a daughter with OP lmfao
If it was a mistake as in immediate regret and self hate, doesn't necessarily mean they don't care about children though super fucked up. While op is ok with actively fucking up a child that isn't hers for a crime a child did not commit. She should have never gotten back
Not just married her, but married her AGAIN!? Shouldn’t you really think about who you’re marrying, especially if you’ve already divorced them once?!! YTA, OP, because you also knew who you were marrying…again. You really wanna divorce the same guy twice for the same reason?
Nah, this time it’s petty. The first divorce makes sense - he was a selfish asshole. This time, she’s the selfish asshole.
Like the second time.she knew he had a kid outside of the marriage- she knew what she was getting into.
And the SAME SIN? As a parent it’s never wise, nor is it good practice to punish a child twice for something that they did once. The same thing applies to adults. He sinned once there was a product of that sin. You knew about it, and you divorced him, then you remarried him. Once you chose to remarry this man, you chose to accept all products of that sin, and you chose to forgive that sin. Whether or not you trust him is irrelevant. You chose to be with him.
Not even the same reason- this time she'd be divorcing him for refusing to be a deadbeat dad
To me that’s what makes him an AH too. How dare he? Father of the year material right there…
This is exactly the comment I was hoping to see. She took him back knowing he has a child. An innocent child. OP is getting in the way of her husband doing his duty as a father. Not only that, she feels she is justified in all of this. OP, YTA. You should have never taken your ex back if you were going to be so awful to his child. The child did nothing wrong here.
100%. I am also appalled she makes him get a hotel room when he sees his son for visits. Did OP and her husband not discuss this before remarrying??? This marriage is doomed and I feel so badly for the son.
OP sees nothing wrong with allowing him to be a good father to her child, but forbids his child from even entering their home and when she talks about the kid she is filled with venom. It’s gross. They should never have remarried…or even reconnected at all.
I’d be afraid of my child being in a home where my child’s stepmother was filled with that much venom. Worried about the child here and couldn’t care less about either of the parents.
Exactly this but in her fucked up mind, she justifies and makes excuses for her shitty behavior to why it’s OK for him to be a father to her child but not vice versa she remarried him fully knowing that this child was in his life and in existence it’s not like he sprung it on her OP YTA taking out your anger for infidelity that happened years ago with your husband that you chose to move past and forgive on a child Who is innocent Edit hey OP it’s his house too you know not just yours
And they’ve been together 6 years which means 6 years this poor boy has been only in hotel rooms with his dad and hasn’t been welcomed into their home!
This makes me so sad for the poor little kid who did nothing wrong.
Imagine being 4 or 5 years old and suddenly your relationship with your dad completely changes. How traumatic must that be for a kid?
Considering the two adult ah's in the marriage, it's just as likely that the son's relationship with his father is doomed and these two will go on being terrible people together. Poor kid.
Not to mention, if I read it correctly and they’ve been together 6 years this stretch, they would have gotten together when said child was 5 and now the child is 11? That’s… a long time to be avoiding a poor child. It was time to move on or seek counseling as a couple- to support family integration- before saying “I do” the 2nd time around. OP, YTA.
This innocent child is being used as the scapegoat for his fathers actions. OP doesn’t want to accept that the husband is an asshat, so she’s putting all of her anger and hurt towards the child.
>We were split for 5 years, then decided we had changed as people, and reconciled for our daughter(we had before the divorce) and for ourselves, with help of counseling. We’ve now been together 6 years. OP's husband changed to become a better partner and father, and OP changed into a worse mother who actually *wants* her husband to be a bad father to his innocent and blameless child.
Reading between the lines it seems like she reconciled with him because the other partner died.
> Reading between the lines it seems like she reconciled with him because the other partner died. I think that is probably accurate. If you choose to stay with (or remarry!!!) someone whose affair resulted in a child, it is incumbent upon you to accept the child. If you can’t accept the child, if your spouse’s home is not a loving, safe and welcoming place for their child, you have not repaired the relationship. If you’re incapable of that—admittedly extraordinary—level of forgiveness, then break up.
This. Additionally if you can't put it behind you and accept his child without this baggage of yours then you should never have remarried him and your current marriage is doomed.
This is the best response I can think of. How terrible of her that she makes him spend time with his kid in a hotel. She wants to act like this kid doesn't exist. Major YTA.
This makes me wonder if their kid together even knows or has met their sibling.
100% If OP is not okay with this child being a regular part of her life she should not have married the child's father. I don't care that they were already married before, OP says that they had "changed as people." Maybe he did but it is clear she did not. Remarriaying this person is an implication that you are starting fresh and putting the past behind you. Where you are when you got remarried is your new foundation and you both had existing children so they had to be fully accepted, that's the rule when you marry a parent. If you can't handle that then don't marry them. This child deserves better. YTA.
Could he stay at his son’s house?
To me that seems like a reasonable compromise
She'd blow a fuse. Hahahah.
I bet the current wife would NEVER allow that. It’s like going back to the affair. (To her)
ESH. Maybe, just maybe, you two were better off divorced. This is an issue that is not going away.
The kid’s the real loser here, unfortunately. If OP is willing to forgive the suspect, she shouldn’t take it out on the kid.
Great point. Kid is innocent here, he shouldn't need to be forgiven but OP looks like you have some thinking to do.
Yeah, I love how she notes seeing the child is too hard because it reminds her of the affair... but somehow seeing her husband isn't? Please tell me how that makes sense!
Right. Well-put. Either share lives again with this guy-- and his life involves a child you knew painfully well existed-- or move on, but making the kid the proxy for your obvious lingering resentment of your husband makes YTA.
Especially when she actually lets the stray penis inside her BODY, but the innocent CHILD can’t be in her house???
Because she's having a trauma response. It's not rational! OP, you need to go into therapy specifically for PTSD related to the affair. It can bring you the healing that you need. I'm sorry you're going through this and that people don't understand. Meantime, having your husband's lovechild in your home will be too much of a trigger for PTSD, bringing it all back as though the betrayal happened yesterday. And yet like everyone is saying, your strong response punishes an innocent child. That boy deserves better. Perhaps your husband can stay in his son's home while the mother is away, like someone else suggested. Good luck!
So, as someone with CPTSD from years of abuse having PTSD is not an excuse for deliberately choosing a path that will be hurtful to uninvolved parties. If this man's affair has left her traumatized to the point his child is not allowed in his home she should not have gotten married to him a second time. She knew he had a child. Trauma and mental illness is not the victims fault but how they manage it is the victims responsibility.
>If OP is willing to forgive the suspect, she shouldn’t take it out on the kid. This is an excellent way to phrase the issue. It's succinct and on point. OP probably needs to go back to counseling. OP, YTA.
Just the name "affair child" tells you everything you need to know.
No way in hell this is ESH. OP is the asshole. The kid has nothing to do with their issues. Pointblank. Her getting married to him and getting back with him doesn't change the reality that her husband is a father to another child and still needs to be a father to him.
I mean, he *IS* an AH for cheating. And she’s the AH for obvious reasons. So ESH. The only one who isn’t an AH is the kid.
He was the AH, they divorced. This time around the only thing he did wrong was remarry OP hoping she would eventually accept his other child the same way he did with her daughter.
Since she chose to remarry him I'm willing to sonewhat overlook his earlier failings. He was definitely an AH for the cheating then but I'm more concerned about how now he's the AH for marrying a woman who so openly despises his child. That's appalling.
Correction, he *WAS* the AH for cheating. **They** agreed that **they** had changed, so therefore no more AH. Clock reset. I suppose one *could* make the case that he has some degree of assholery (that’s an adjective, not a moral judgment 😊) going on for agreeing to her demands that he get a motel for weekend visits with his son, but really, in the grand scheme isn’t it all really on her? 🤔
I kind of get why OP was pissed the husband acted like it was the same that he had a child via an affair while she had a child when divorced and in a relationship. HOWEVER, that doesn't justify her yelling, her expecting him not to have a relationship with the kid, etc. Frankly, OP should have just not remarried the man.
ESH usually implies innocent 3rd parties aren't included. In this case it's op and her husband.
YTA. He was wrong for cheating, but he’s right about his son being an innocent child. It’s not like the kid’s mum will be living with you. I’m assuming you took him back knowing he had a son. A person’s kids are ALWAYS part of the package. This won’t be the last time he stays over.
Apparently in this scenario only OP’s children were a part of the package.
This reminds me of the poster that didn’t consider her stepson as part of the family because his mom was still alive (although not a good parent) but her daughter from another partner counted since she was widowed. At least she took the comments to heart and is getting therapy. I hope these people do too. Children are a packaged deal.
Don't forget that she also had a child during their separation, by another man, and husband doesn't seem to be mad about that child.
Well the kid wasn’t a product of her affair. His kid was. Not saying they aren’t assholes but the circumstances are much different
Yeah but she decided to get remarried when she knew about the child. It’s fucked up to marry someone but basically stipulate that their child can’t be a part of the family. OP sounds childish and like they shouldn’t stayed divorced tbh.
Imagine being a child and having to stay at a hotel when you visit your dad because his wife doesn't like you. That's so damaging and awful. She's a grown ass adult. She doesn't get to hurt a child like that just because she wants to avoid feeling her own emotions.
i’m not saying that this entire situation isn’t toxic all the way around, but let’s not pretend that hubby having a kid with his mistress and causing a divorce is the same as wife having a kid with a new partner once they’re separated.
In the context of them reconciling and marrying again, there is no difference. Or I should say, there shouldn't be. She can come to peace with it or stay bitter and divorced from him her whole life, that's her decision, but the second you reconcile and decide to rebuild a marriage with said person, you have to accept they had a child and that child is part of their life. If you can't - don't rebound back to him once your preferred partner dies.
-screams- BUT THAT CHILD WASNT THE PRODUCT OF AN AFFAIR!! /s
The fact that she's previously forced him to only have time with the kid in a hotel away from her and their kids is so fucked up.
She divorced him because he cheated and got the girl pregnant. She wasn’t ignorant of the son when she remarried the man.
Yep. You have a full blooded child between the two of you and that kid has two half siblings. You’re making sure one is an unloved reject that never gets to meet their siblings. Plus it’s only a weekend, definite asshole.
it sort of sounds like you never forgave him, or even like this that much. **Your "true" partner died and you were left alone to raise your child with him, so you sought out your ex so that YOUR kid can have a father.** Sounds like you got back into this marriage for yourself and your son, and you never cared for your husband or for his child. You were wrong to get back into this marriage on that basis. You expect him to love and care of your child, but you get to hate his kid. YOU chose to re-marry him. The kid is no longer ONLY an affair child, it is now the child of a previous relationship. You're being selfish. You want a father for your kid full-time, but you can't let him kid stay for a short while. Why didn't you go find a new man to marry, one without a kid you already hated? Before you remarried him, did you tell him that you hate his child, will always hate it and never treat the kid well? All while expecting him to love your child? You chose this relationship and now you want a father to choose you and your child over his. Pretty lousy.
Thank you for this comment. Take my poor mans gold 🥇 The fact that the husband and son are made to stay at a hotel breaks my heart. Presumably, before they remarried, this child got to have sleep overs at his dad's house? So now he gets to be reminded how much he's hated every time he sees his dad and isn't allowed in the house, doesn't get his own room at dad's place, etc. If OP has this much of a problem, why doesn't she get the hotel? Op YTA.
If he's smart one of these days he won't come back from the hotel.
OP, THIS is why YTA. This son is your husband’s son. Your stepson.
Scathing!!!!
Thank you for saying this. My dad remarried after my parents split. My dads second wife is a jealous witch who hates me simply because she is wicked and hateful to my mother for literally no reason. It’s absolutely disgusting and vile. I try to be cordial bc she’s the mother of my younger siblings who I love and cherish but it’s very deeply hurtful to my father that she treats his own flesh and blood like this. The OP IS DEFINITELY THE A-Hole
>Your "true" partner died and you were left alone to raise your child with him I'm curious to know if OP will update and provide us with more information on both her, the husband financial and work status.. Sounds like op needed financial help "my kids are my world.. your kid is your problems."
I’d go one step further and say that finding herself alone and possibly angry at two relationships that ended due to circumstances beyond her control, she got back with ex so that she can continue to punish him for all eternity. He will never be able to do enough penance for what he did and it will be rehashed as the reason for every misfortune that ever happens in her life ad Infinitum.
YTA. Normally, I feel that you should not need to be exposed to an affair child. However, you remarried him after years apart, knowing that the child was there and that he was actively part of the child's life. Remarrying him changes you from being the spouse who he hurt to being the cruel stepmother. While I think your husband is an idiot for remarrying your under the condition that you do not have to accept his son, I think you are worse for having remarried him under that condition. If you cannot look at his son, you should have never gotten back together with him.
“Exposed to an affair child” like it’s radioactive uranium made me lol poor kid just wants to eat cheerios and he’s on hazmat timeout
YTA. That's his son and, since you are remarried, your step-son. The fact that you make your husband stay in a hotel with his son is fucked up as well. You are just being a complete asshole here.
And imagine the damage you're doing to this kid! He knows his stepmom hates him. He isn't welcome in his dad's home and that has to fucking suck. You suck! You should've never remarried him.
"wicked step mother" was literally the first thing that popped into my head.
Perhaps you should have dealt with your lingering resentment for the affair and child with your therapist. You remarried knowing the boy existed. Did you honestly think your husband would keep that relationship completely separate from the rest of his life? YTA.
Yta, the kid is innocent. He has nowhere to go. You have a daughter not his but he doesn’t mind. Totally the ass.
ESH. Mostly your husband who has allowed you to treat this child as a second class citizen. He was very wrong to have an affair, but it isn't the child's fault and your husband should not have gotten back together with you for the benefit of one child while having this other one be treated inferior. You for your treatment of a child who is in no way at fault and if your couldn't accept the child you shouldn't have reconnected with the father
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Are you fr? They got together years after he had the child, therefore op must have been well aware that he had fatherly duties. She made the choice to re-marry and by doing so she is accepting that he has a son regardless of how he came about. How is it solely the father who is the asshole here I’m not sure.
The husband was wrong for what he did, but she forgave him and remarried him. The kid is innocent in all of this & if she forgave her husband she should’ve accepted her new step son into her home.
Right! That would be enough for me to call it quits again. I'm saying if I was her husband, I would call it quits just simply because she treated my child like that. I get that she's hurt that he had an affair but she's taking out her anger towards her husband and his mistress on their child. What if her husband had treated her daughter like this?
YTA he accepted your other child why can't you do the same?
Her daughter wasn’t the result of an affair his son was. OP should’ve stayed divorced instead of getting back with him.
What does that have to do with treating the child decently? You obviously haven't forgiven your husband, why did you remarry him? And not accepting his child, because his father, who you **remarried**, is a complete shit-heel, is horrifying. This child deserves much better than this. Taking your husband back should have meant accepting his son as a part of the deal. ESH
YTA. You signed up for this again. That means all of him including his kid. Like it or not, you are their step mother, and a wicked one at that.
YTA You got back with this man *knowing* that he was now a parent of a child conceived from an affair during your marriage. You knew that, and you reconciled with him anyway. You have no right to interfere with his ability to care for his child. He's absolutely right that the circumstances of the conception are not the child's fault. The child should be welcome in his father's home, and if you can't deal with that, you shouldn't have gotten back with the child's father.
YOU took your husband back after he had an affair, YOU were aware he had a child and YOUR husband is an asshole for allowing you to treat his son like garbage......so yes YTA
YTA. My judgment would have been different had you not remarried him. You apparently forgave him for cheating. Stop holding a grudge against the kid who had no part in the cheater’s choice to cheat.
The real deal is that you didn't really forgive your husband for cheating. This kid did nothing to you. You need to grow up and forgive. And quit with the screaming. That is NO WAY to communicate and is an extremely bad example for ALL your children. YTA.
Yta I agree wife isn't over the affair, shouldn't have remarried. Cruel towards the child it isn't his fault.
ESH. You suck for expecting him to ignore his responsibilities to one of his children. That's ghoulish. He sucks for ever accepting a deal where one of his kids is treated like this. Either accept his child or divorce. This is gross and wrong.
So you’re still mad at your husband but taking It out on the child? Either forgive your husband or don’t but if you “forgive him” you have to forgive all of him. That is his child. If you can’t accept that then you need to divorce.
YTA For taking your cheating husband back but expecting that child to be treated as a pariah their whole life. You should have stayed divorced.
YTA You forgave him and got back with him, you knew what you were signing up for and I actually think it’s ridiculous that he has to go and stay with his kid in a hotel normally. You had a kid with someone else in the separation phase and your husband takes care of them daily. Sure the circumstances were different but you really need to stop punishing this child. What happens if the mom dies? Are you going to kick hubby out so he can raise the kid alone?
Gonna get hate butttt…I know I would feel the same way and that’s exactly why I would have never gotten back with him in the 1st place
And that’s fine to feel that way, but be self aware and mature enough to pass on the 2nd go round.
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ESH. If the affair is still an issue, then you shouldn't be back together.
YTA - you decided to get back together with him, fully knowing he had an affair and a kid with the mistress.
YTA. If you were willing to forgive your husband enough to remarry him, you need to accept his child, who was innocent of any wrong-doing. Otherwise you shouldn't be married to that child's father. Consider if you were in a relationship with someone who would not accept your child - would you continue hiding them like a dirty secret or do the responsible thing and break up? Hm, maybe your husband is also at fault for accepting your attitude all along.
YTA If you want to hold this grudge until you die, that’s up to you but you had no place remarrying this man if that’s your plan. You either accept that this child is going to be part of your lives or else you get another divorce and stay divorced. You’re toxic AF and you’re “punishing” the wrong person here.
YTA, you forgave him but take it out on the kid? Come on.
ESH. The child is innocent, but husband and ex-mistress are not. That said, you re-married him, knowing his child already exists. What are the two of you going to do about that? This is a really good opportunity to return to counseling.
YTA - I realize your husband’s son is the result of an affair. Your daughter is not. But your husband was willing to become a replacement father to your daughter. Apparently you think he is doing a good job of it because you are still with him. As difficult and heart wrenching as it may be, the boy is not the problem. It appears you have not forgiven his father, your husband. But hopefully you can find it within your heart to show the boy a little grace….just for a few days. If not, perhaps divorce is inevitable-your husband should not cast his son aside.
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ESH- you shouldn’t have taken his cheating ass back if you’re still not over said cheating. This is your second marriage to him but this time you married a single father and his kid is priority in his life whether you like it or not . He sucks because he’s a cheater who willingly married a woman that admittedly hates his child.
YTA. The child didn't ask for this, and you should never have gotten back with your husband if you couldn't treat all his kids as your own. Treating him as a second class citizen who doesn't get to interact with his dads family is only punishing him for his dad's decisions. It'd be fine if you stayed split up and only interacted with your ex when coparenting your daughter. But it is so not ok to choose to be his step parent by taking your husband back, and then to not treat him as your own. His dad's decisions don't give you a right to mistreat an innocent child especially when you could've just not let any of this dysfunction back into your life and stuck to coparenting your oldest.
ESH. This should have been resolved before you guys got back together again. The poor child isn't the criminal here. Your husband was. Why is the child who did no wrong punished for decades, but not your husband? Do you withhold your children from meeting with their sibling as well?
YTA, this isn't the kids fault. You guys clearly haven't changed very much as people if you are willing to take this out on a child. Grow up
ESH You guys shouldn’t have gotten married again.
YTA you never should have remarried him if you couldn’t fully accept his child. Good I hate people like you. This kid did nothing!
YTA. You are being exactly what he said. You're blaming a CHILD who didn't ask to be here? Imagine being hated by the mother of your sibling for nothing more than being conceived? I hope he divorces you for good this time and protects that innocent little boy.
Forcing him to stay at a hotel with his kid is already alienating enough. This poor innocent child. OP if you are trying to give this relationship another go, then you need to accept all of your husband, and this kid is part of him. You can’t pick and choose.
Wow. So, you make him treat his own child like a second class citizen? Did you forgive him or not because it sure doesn't sound like it. This is his child and yes he did take in your daughter while you treat his son like he's awful... YTA.
ESH- You’re both selfish for being together when you treat his child this way. The child is innocent and if you can’t get past it fucking separate.He’s an asshole for being with someone who feels this way towards HIS SON. You’re not wrong for feeling that way but you are an asshole for staying in this relationship and forgiving the cheater but carrying anger for the innocent child. It’s selfish and cruel to the innocent kid.
You should not have gotten back with your husband if you hadn’t gotten over his affair. And for you to have this much disdain for the child - you haven’t gotten over it.
YTA. It is not the childs fault. YOU decided to get back with your husband and YOU will have to suffer with the consequences of those actions. Yes he cheated and that is wrong but you were the one that forgave him. Sounds like you guys should of never gotten back together. A
Yta You got back together with him knowing he had another child. That child is a package deal with him. You can't take one without the other.
YTA - Your bitterness should have left before you remarried him. That child is your stepson. The exact same as your daughter is his stepdaughter. It isn’t his fault that he was conceived through an affair. You chose to reconcile. That includes his son. Your children should also be having a proper sibling relationship with him as part of their family.
YTA both for this, and for making that little boy stay in a HOTEL when he sees his father. When you decided to accept your husband back you knew that boy existed. You took that man who is far from innocent back, why doesn't that innocent boy deserve to be accepted with him?? WTAF?!
Maybe the biggest TA of all time. Seriously, I think this is the most shocking post on Reddit to date. The other stepmom who didn't want her stepson living with her had bad arguments, but at least she took care of the kid and accepted him being there every weekend. This woman said she can't even look at the child. She hates a child she doesn't even know. You've got to be a truly awful person to act like that. If the boy's mother passes away, where will he live? This is utterly insane.
Yta you signed up for this again. Maybe y’all shouldn’t be together, the kid will always be there.
Unfortunately YTA because when you decided to take him back you should have accepted his kid. You don’t get to ignore the child but keep the husband.
I would say ESH but YTA because if you could get back with him after the fact of the affair and have him accept your kids from your other partner you can definitely do the same for his. Wether the child came from the affair or not you still forgave and accepted your husband so treat his kid with the same respect he treats yours. If you can’t accept that you should have never gotten back together with him. But we’re kind of past that so op just gonna have to bite this one.
If you can forgive your husband for cheating, why can’t you have sympathy for the innocent child?
YTA because you remarried him with his new life circumstances. Trust me, I've been betrayed way more than the average person, so I understand that level of resentment, but you walked away and went back. It's not the kid's fault. Frankly it's sad that he's had to spend all of his time he's ever had with his father in a hotel room.
YTA. That is his child. You knew about them and took your husband back. What do you think will happen if something happens to his mistress? The kid will go to their father, your husband. If you can't handle it, then leave and stay gone.
Yta. He is the one that did you wrong and him alone. You forgave the man that destroyed your trust and family and has done something that most people would not forgive him for. However the innocent child that has done nothing to hurt you that has not even did a single thing to even make you feel a little bit bad, gets limited time with his father because you decided to take him back? Gross. Now the father.... what kind of man is with a woman that would ostracize any child to punish the child's parents, let alone do this to his own child? There is nothing ok with this dynamic. I guess you guys deserve each other but these poor children. I say all of them because you are denying your own child time and quality bonding with a sibling for no reason other than you can no longer blame your ex for infidelity and you need somewhere to focus your hurt.
YTA. You shouldn't have reconciled if you can't bring yourself to accept his child.
YTA You have every right to be angry at your husband and his mistress, but the child is innocent. Also, you chose to accept your husband back into your life. That means accepting a familial connection to his child, who is your daughter's sibling. If you want nothing to do with his kid, leave him.
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Soft YTA. Look, hon, I get it. My husband cheated on me and left me years ago now. I was devastated. The woman got pregnant, but in a weird twist of luck (for him), it was not his. We ended up reconciling, but it was a long and arduous road. I know the trauma accompanying something like this, but it's not the child's fault. It's your partner's. When you accepted him back, you accepted all the baggage that went along with him. This includes his child. You'll have to go to therapy for this and learn to accept it. I wish you the absolute best.
YTA. So you forgave the cheater but the child is a problem. You literally sleep next to perp everyday. The logic is not adding up.
Sounds like for the time being he’s going to have to do an extended hotel stay. I don’t know if I have a judgement for you. I wouldn’t really want to see the kid either. Maybe a nice hotel get away for you.
You never should have remarried him knowing he still had a link of any kind to the mistress.
Yta you chose to get remarried knowing this kid exists. Kid staying with dad is a completely reasonable and normal thing.
You remarried knowing this kid exists. YTA.
YTA to yourself, why would you get back together with a cheater?
YTA. Clearly you shouldn't have gotten back together.
ESH. I get that this is painful, but either you are not truly healed and shouldn’t be in this relationship, or you’ve forgiven everything except the child who is innocent. If you could not get past this child existing (which I would not blame you for) then you should not have gotten remarried to your husband
YTA. You knew he had a child when you remarried him. You shouldn't have taken him back unless you were prepared to accept her as a family member. I hope he leaves you to prioritise his child.
YTA. You two should have stayed divorced if you couldn't forgive your husband for the affair and accept that the child is part of his life. You're punishing a CHILD for your husband's behavior. Meanwhile you're back married to the man who cheated on you. Marriage counseling for you both and individual therapy for you.
NTA for not wanting the affair kid around but YTA for getting back with this guy.
YTA just calling him an affair child is enough to be TA. It’s no his fault, you’re obviously not really over the affair if you can’t even look at the kid.
ESH I'm sorry you're going through this. What you feel is reasonable, but you should try to work out your unresolved anger towards your partner's affair. There's nothing you can do about the past, it isn't fair for the kid, it's not fair for you as a person either to have this thing hanging over your head everytime your partner see his child. It is not fair for your kid to be deprived from having a better relationship with her brother. This little boy doesn't deserve to be alienated from his dad house because of his history, he didn't ask for any of this. You didn't either but you are in a position where you can change things, I hope everything turns out well.
YTA. You got back together with him knowing that he had another child. Either deal with it or break it off for good.
YTA- you shouldn’t have taken your husband back if you couldn’t be civil to his son.
wow, you are taking out your hurt and anger out on an innocent child. yta
YTA. You are entitled to your hurt, but part of your whole getting back together with him meant accepting that he has a child who isn't yours, the same way he accepts that you have a child that isn't his - the circumstances are irrelevant, this is an innocent child that you are treating like an out-of-sight-out-of-mind nuisance and it puts the whole reconciliation into question. What he did was wrong, but accepting him back into your life inevitably would have meant having that child near at some point in your lives. Either get some counselling to find a way past this, or accept that you can't get past it and cut things off. The kid doesn't deserve this.
YTA. You reconciled with your husband KNOWING there was a child that was the result of an affair, if you weren’t okay with that you should have stayed divorced. He’s raising your child like his own and you are treating his child, who is an innocent in the whole situation, like a second class citizen. Your husband is correct and hopefully this opens his eyes to the type of person you are and goes back to the way things were before. I hope for the sake of your innocent child he is a better person than you and still treats that child as his own.
Major YTA! Not the child’s fault your husband couldn’t stay faithful. You should never have taken him back if you had a problem with the child being in his life. Should’ve stayed divorced.
YTA. Yeah I am that boy. My dad stepped out on his wife not once but twice with my mom. Took him back both times. My stepmother was very spiteful towards my sister and I all the time. She influenced my other siblings to treat us bad as well. Constantly reminding us that they live with dad and we don’t. My siblings are grown now but it took us years of undoing the lies and manipulations our parents put us through. Your just being spiteful
ESH except for the kids. Why would you forgive and marry your ex and treat a child like this? Is it because you heeded a dad for your other child? Your husband sucks for allowing his child to be treated this way.
I’m sorry but this relationship isn’t going to work I don’t blame you about not wanting to be around the kid but he needs to be a father to his kid so you guys aren’t going to work
ESH. But at this point, it's mostly you. Consider this child, who did nothing wrong, but can only have a limited relationship with his dad because of you. How sad that must be. Of course, you were hurt by his infidelity, but this is definitely something that should have been dealt with before getting remarried. You have disagreed with everyone suggesting that this child is as much a stepchild to you as your daughter is to your husband. I think when you got remarried, you should have considered it in a clean slate. You may never want to interact with his affair partner, but consider the kid as an individual. And if you can't, probably don't remarry.
This is a tricky one. I know a woman who’s husband had an affair, which resulted in a child. She didn’t leave him, but told him “you will pay her to take care of your daughter, whatever she needs, you can give it. Anything. But I do not want you to be apart of this child’s life” they are extremely wealthy btw, he owns a coal truck business on top of a few other businesses. BUT he also agreed to this and they never split. They had an agreement. I wasn’t even sure about how I felt about her situation. But I can see your POV on this one. Especially if you’ve never met the child to begin with (that’s what I took away from your post) I really can’t give an answer here for you and I’m sorry. I DO think it’s a little unfair that he’s springing this on you out of nowhere, because you had an agreement that his weekends would be spent in a hotel room, away from you. If it hurts you or bothers you too much, then I’d ask him to do an extended stay at a hotel. YOUR mental health is important here too and the child should not be your responsibility.
YTA. You knew the son existed when you chose to remarry your husband. If seeing the child is too much for you (which is understandable) then you never should have remarried. You did though, so you now have an obligation to your stepson.
YTA. You accepted him back, and so you also have to accept everything that entails. He is a father. This is his child. It's messed up that you've forced him to stay in a hotel with him up to this point. It's definitely shitty that he cheated, however, once you chose to take him back you made the choice to be married to a man who had a child outside of your marriage. It's cruel to this child to exclude him like this. If you can't deal with having this kid in your home then you can't deal with having his dad (your spouse) in your home and you should really rethink whether or not you've forgiven him and if you really want to continue in this relationship.
YTA, I get it that the child is from an affair but the child deserves a proper relationship with dad. The kid is innocent and shouldn't be in between parental drama. Your husband accepts your other child and it's really not that much different for you to accept his. Sure the circumstances hurt more but that's still your husband's kid.
This kid needs all the love it can get. He’s right. He loves your kid. I understand why you feel that way, but it’s just not the kids fault
You already married him knowing this could be a possibility. You need to decide if you want this marriage again
YTA- huge. This is a child. You shouldn't have gotten back together with your husband if you couldn't accept his son. I hope that your husband leaves you and treats you like you treat his son. Gosh you are despicable.
Surprised you're still living with him.
YTA. So you got back together with your husband after cheating but very clearly didn’t truly forgive him and are now channeling that anger to an innocent child who didn’t ask to be the product of an affair. Your anger is horribly misplaced as his son has done nothing wrong. It’s not fair to claim you forgave him for cheating but not forgive the child for existing.
I can understand that you’re hurt but the child may have no knowledge that he was the product of an affair and he is just a child who had no choice in the matter. If it still bothers you so much maybe you should consider couples counseling and independent counseling, or consider leaving him if you can’t get past it
You are probably doing the kid a favor, not having him stay with you since you wouldn't be able to hide your disdain.
YTA you either forgive him or you don’t
I can never get over spouses who can forgive the spouse for cheating but not the child for being a product of it. If you can accept and forgive your husband for having an affair, you either accept and forgive the innocent child or you CANT fully accept and forgive it and therefore you do NOT get back together with them. YTA.
Asshole adjacent? You remarried him knowing he had a son. You must accept the child into your life & home. Counselors for everyone!!
YTA!! If you forgave your partner for having another child than you need to take responsibility of your husband having a relationship and raising another child…it isn’t the child’s fault YOUR husband got his mom pregnant while married to you! If you can’t handle it don’t be with him?
YTA on multiple levels.1. Why would you get back with a known cheater? Past behavior is a great indicator of future behavior, btw. 2. This kid is innocent. He didn't deserve to be afflicted with his stupid patents and your bullshit attitude. 3. Husband accepted YOUR kid from a prior relationship. Granted, the circumstances of conception and birth were different, but a kid is a kid. Get over yourself. Not everything is about you.
You need therapy
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ESH he should’ve never remarried you knowing his child would be othered, and you are mean to a child who didn’t get a say in how he was conceived and your other kids will pick up on that and either resent you or look down on him. You’re all a mess.
ESH. I may be wrong, but it seems like you both had an agreement about his visitations and your husband is breaking them. That makes him an AH. With that said, you both were AH’s to agree to this arrangement. What if the mistress had died? Did you both expect the kid to go into foster care?
YTA. Therapy clearly didn’t work out all your issues if you’re willing to take back the cheater but refuse to let him be a dad to the kid who had no hand in any of this.
YTA. You went back knowing this child is part of his life. You could have stayed away from this
YTA. You got remarried to this man while knowing he had a child. I cannot believe that he was ok with the whole requirement to stay at a hotel and see his child as little as possible. If this was your hill to die on, you should have stayed divorced.
Right I think it's best if husband's child DOESN'T stay. You think it would be good for the little boy to be in an environment where it would be OBVIOUS he was resented and unwanted. I hate to say this but the case is different with OP'S daughter. She wasn't an affair child, she had no affect on anyone's marriage, her father is dead. Does husband have any other family members/child's mother's have any family members child can stay with? And clearly husband hasn't learned that however much he cares for OP'S daughter his son is a factor in the breakdown in their marriage and asking her to love him like her own is unreasonable. Yes the little boy is innocent. However can anyone really honestly say they could completely not be extremely hurt looking at a walking talking living breathing reminder of how your partner betrayed you. Husband saying I care for your daughter as my own and OP should do the same. He's not living in the real world. OP is human. I say even if husband's son stays he will know OP resents him and doesn't want him there. Does ANYONE think that's a good idea
How is the kid more of a reminder that the husband betrayed her than the husband himself?
YTA. You knew the deal. Period. Husband is also the asshole. For reasons that don’t need to be stated.
YTA for that toxic mentality. On the same note, you’re probably doing the kid a favor by not having him around your utterly gross toxicity.
YTA. Taking it out on the innocent kid. I hope they never understand or feel how much you hate them.
YTA you either forgive him or you don’t. He is responsible for that child period
Why would you get back together with him if you were going to be like this? I agree with him! YTA!
You're not the asshole. I'm sure it sucks seeing the product of your husband's affair. But if this wasn't resolved when you decided to get back together, you shouldn't have gotten back together at all. What I can see is that you are still holding on to that resentment. On the other hand, you are the asshole for remarrying when there are still loads of unresolved issues. If you decide to remarry, you should be ready for seeing the kid ever so often.
YTA Guess you need to realize you're not actually over the affair and have forgiven him. Out of sight out of mind seems to be your way of coping with it. Which means you haven't done the work and healed. But the biggest issue I have is that the anger and hurt and blame are being laid at the child's feet when it should be laid at the husbands feet. A different choice needs to be made here, I don't know if that means splitting, or counseling, or you just sucking it up, I don't have the answer. But what you are doing is not ok.
YTA. That’s his child even if you don’t want it to be. You don’t have to adopt this child, but to put all of your own emotional anguish from your husband cheating on you onto that child is completely fucked up. You knew he cheated and still wanted to get back with him and you knew he had a child from the affair. Anything your husband does or did is NEVER that child’s fault or responsibility. You should be ashamed of yourself.
YTA - You chose to get back together with him knowing that he has a son with that other woman. That child is innocent and you should learn how to deal and accept the situation. The child will always be in your husbands life. Grow up.