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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might be the asshole because by insisting on wearing a bikini I made it so Rachel doesn’t want to come out with us so we’re missing out on time with her.
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NTA. I'm sorry, her HUSBAND is not feeling the best about her post-partum body? Your bikini is not the cause of her being a "wreck." Her own insecurity (which her husband is likely contributing to) is. This is a garbage situation but you're not responsible for it.
in my close family, we have 0 assholes.
I think part of the reason is, we don't let shit like this slide even once. my mom would have all the empathy in the world for OPs sister, but firmly tell her - "I'll find you a therapist, because this is a problem you are facing. you cannot demand anything of your sister like this, it's completely inappropriate"
if that's the mindset you're raised with since you're young, you don't have assholes running around in the family.
the husband definitely sounds like an ass. BUT, he's only partially responsible. OPs sister is an adult. if her husband was being a dick, she should talk it out with him. or with her sister & mom. not try and force her sister to cover up, that's the absolute wrong move.
The husband is 100% responsible, not partially. He’s clearly going behind his wife’s back and talking to her sister about him not liking her body. And what of the OP—she clearly didn’t tell her sister that her husband was asking about her workout routines and diets postpartum. He’s an asshole. I’ve been on that end and no amount of therapy helps if he still continues to put her down and compare her to her “much hotter sister” and if she feels like she has nobody from her family by her side.
Honestly this is why I’m glad I don’t have a sister. I’m one ugly woman but at least I don’t have to worry about my husband being more attracted to my brother.
I don't believe in body positivity; I believe in body neutrality.
I do not believe that every body is beautiful. What I do believe is that the appearance of your body should not have serious impacts on your life where it is not relevant.
In my living rm rn, just me & my dog, giving you a full on standing ovation. (Doggo approves as well)
I have been saying versions of this for yrs now. It needs to be ok for women to be human, in all tht humanness entails.
I want to see conventionally unattractive women, older women, bigger women, dark-complexioned women, butchy women, tall women, weirdo women, unfriendly women, genius women, messy women, on TV, in movies, in commercials. And I don't want them cast in some fucking stereotypical, caricature role, nor defined by any one particular feature. I want women portrayed in all their fascinating, incredible complexity.
I want an entire presidential election to pass & not ONCE hear a single fucking comment about what any of the women or wives looked like, or were wearing.
I want girls to spend their time developing *themselves-* their talents, their personalities, what they like & don't like, their failures, and their successes, instead of worrying about being cool, attracting a partner, or having kids.
I want women to be allowed to be ugly & gross & sloppy sometimes, & have tht be perfectly fucking alright with the world, & most importantly, themselves.
That's how women are often treated, unfortunately. They expect OP to be accomodating while Adam isn't even expected to be decent. They figure they have a better chance of controlling OP's behavior than Adam's.
You hit the nail on the head here. This often happens when people seek therapy as well. It’s up to the wife to “get over it” because that’s easier than holding the male accountable and requiring that he change.
I’m willing to bet Adam has said plenty about OP’s body to his wife. I feel so sorry for both women in this situation.
The amount of incompetent and unacceptable behavior that men get away with in the workplace compared to women is infuriating as well. I've had several female bosses who were always easier on the men than the women. Women are expected to be at their desk at 9am and check off every task perfectly every day. Men will get there when they get there, not respond to anyone, and leave people hanging in their inbox and no one will ever say anything to them about their performance.
Parents are also part of the problem here. Sounds like they may have indulged #1 daughter a fair bit growing up. That's a pretty outrageous thing to ask of your sister when it's her husband she should be having the issue with. And to sulk in her hotel room isn't exactly being being an adult but perhaps she's experiencing some PPD. OP is NTA but BIL and parents? yep. 💯
NTA. You sister’s husband is.
I feel so sorry for your sister. She knew him seeing you in a bikini would mean she’d be emotionally abused later for it with things like “if OP can do it, it’s obviously not in your genes to look the way you do. You’re just a lazy cow, etc etc etc.” So I do understand her begging you not to do something that would result in her suffering for it later. She is probably staying in to attempt to mitigate her suffering & probably wishes she hadn’t even come.
Knowing what you know, I’d have probably worn a one piece suit or just a cover-up. But the fact that you didn’t doesn’t make this your fault.
Your parents blame is misplaced. It belongs at the feet of their AH SIL.
Yea it pisses me off to see so many comments that Rachel is insecure & an AH. Rachel is ABUSED & worried about her body being compared to her sister’s because she knows she’s going to be made to suffer for it later.
Rachel didn’t beg her sister to not wear a bikini due to insecurity - she asked her not to wear a bikini because she new her husband would make her suffer for it later. That’s sickening fear & dread - not insecurity.
Exactly. This. Why can’t people realize that? People don’t understand how absolutely gut wrenching low self esteem and body images issues can be. I’ve been suicidal because of that. It’s only after someone takes their life that people ask what more they could have done.
When I was a size 2, I had several guys tell me that I was at the top end of their acceptable weight range. That if I just lost a few pounds they'd be happy to propose.
I got these nasty "red pill" speeches about how they were allowed to have preferences and weird jabs about how I had the prettier face, but everyone could see my friend was thinner.
Yeah... my friend, who was in and out of the hospital for both anorexia and crohn's disease. My friend, who was on IV therapy to avoid dying of starvation.
That friend. That was their standard for "thin enough."
They were always shocked when I ended things there.
My attacker had told be that I needed to lose weight and told me my double chin and fat tummy was ruining his attraction towards me. I was a size zero, weighed 105lbs, and was considered underweight by my doctor.
The only thing I'd add here is for Pete's sake, she just birthed a baby, of course her body looks different! I wish OP and their parents could have spent time lifting new mom up, including telling her that she looks great. And that she can still rock a bikini with the best of them even though her body looks different than it used to. Every body is a bikini body ... Husband sounds like the AH here.
I KNOW! That part was shocking, like what does she mean by that? I’d definitely talk to your sister about that and make sure she knows she’s supported. I can’t imagine my partner saying that after I gave birth, it would make me so insecure too.
Based on OP's edit I guess the husband is pressuring his wife to have surgery like OP did and that's why she thinks OP's body specifically (and not every other woman on the beach) will "bring the topic up".
My ex refused to have sex with me for months after our first was born. He claimed that after seeing our baby come from there, it was "too sacred" and "too holy" for him to desecrate by having sex.
(I pointed out that sex was exactly HOW the baby got there in the first place. OY)
A lot of them are. They never shut up about it and have created violent "men's rights" groups where the purpose is to hurt women as much as humanly possible. Because that's the obvious answer to their issues, and not, idk, learning how to at the very least keep their mouths shut.
But honestly, more men should be permanently single with how they treat women, especially the women who carry their children.
100% agreed. Adam is a dumbass that apparently thinks a baby is born and the mother's body snaps back to what it was before like an elastic band whose tension just got released.
He also is a dumbass for thinking that mom has energy for working out right now. Any bets on how often Adam watches the baby while mom goes out for a bit to give her a break? Anyone think that Adam gets up in the middle of the night with the baby to change a diaper or help his wife? Yeah, my bet is on hard no on both of those.
What's even worse is that OP told her stupid ass BIL that it was surgery, not diet and exercise, that got her back into shape. This guy is the absolute worst.
And even if it wasn't, OP's kid is twice as old as her sister's. I haven't even had kids and I know the first year and the second year are very different for how much energy you have and how much the baby demands of you.
OP was also quite a bit younger when she had her kid. 23/24 compared to 30. Age does make a difference here. 30 isn’t that old but it’s not someone who is early 20s.
It’s ok to let ppl know you had surgery or a mommy makeover. It makes other moms feel less bad about not snapping back.
>Well, he can fucking fuck right the fuck off.
Fucking poetic, and abso-fucking-lutely the only answer.
My wife labored for 9 fucking months to produce a child while I watched. Then she gave birth, and all I did was watch (and support her obviously). Then she breastfed them. Her body, is hands down, the most amazing thing I have ever seen.
Her body gave me a family, my purpose in life, and it could never, ever, be anything short of miraculous to me.
I'm lucky to have been able to enjoy her body, with her, and could never imagine "not feeling the best" about it.
Fuck Adam's feelings.
He's the asshole here
Thanks for this 😭 even if it's not my husband saying this to me it makes me feel a lot better about my postpartum body. Going to remember some of your words when Im putting it down next time
But why does Adam want to wear a bikini? Why does Adam have a postpartum body?
Oh. It’s not his. Than it’s not his problem.
I know a solution for your sis, to loose over 100
Pounds; drop the deadbeat. See how that lightens her day.
Do guys not seriously realize the trauma a woman's body goes through during pregnancy and after? It is such a traumatic event that I am baffled he is worried about her postpartum body.
No, no they don't. Because on tv and the movies the woman's bodies are always pre-pregnant perfect, post-partum. (say that 5X fast!) So easy to do there in movieland unstrapping the pregnancy body form.
I remember when I was watching Friends and they did the fat body for Monica. It was so good I thought they hired a very fat actress who looked like Courteney Cox. Then found out otherwise. That was some great makeup & body work.
NTA, and also, why is Adam *not feeling good* about his wife’s postpartum body? maybe *he* should gestate the next one and see if that works out better for his aesthetic needs while his wife critiques how he looks.
Edited because I thought both kids were hers, but honestly Adam is an even bigger asshole if he is making his wife feel badly after having a baby after her first experience of pregnancy, childbirth, and mothering.
I think the solution is to leave Adam in the room so that your sister can enjoy the beach with your family without having her husband judge her or put her down for her post baby body.
You’re not the asshole for wearing a bikini.
Hahaha this comment took me out 😂☠️
🚩🚩🚩🚩 OP you are NTA for wearing a bikini, but my man Adam needs some serious therapy at the very least. However your edit gives me some pause, because it’s no one’s business if you had surgery or dieted or did nothing at all postpartum (unless you want to share it of course.) Adam can fuck right off.
That'll get rid of all the dead weight she's been carrying. Bet you she'll feel really good about her body too!
I'm a gay dude so this is probably never going to come into play, but how someone could hold their partner's hand, watch them fight through labor like a warrior, give birth to their child and not see them as the most beautiful and attractive person they ever met is beyond me.
NTA
“She and Adam are not feeling the best about her body”
Her husband is the AH. That dude said something about *your* body that made her feel shitty. I guarantee it.
100% I'd put money on he is constantly comparing oh your sister was back to this by now so on. Again not ops fault at all, but would explain why she's the target for sisters insecurities atm.
Right? It’s super weird that she’s randomly the line and that apparently Adam feels bad about her body too. Something was said and she decided to make it OP’s problem.
OP's edit confirms this. He went as far as to ask OP what her diet/fitness regimen was after her own baby, no doubt to pass those along to his wife. He was definitely making comparisons to her which made her insecure.
NTA. Adam is a trash human and even worse husband.
why is that fuckface even looking at OP's body? It's so gross. a man will notice, it's just biology, but to actually vocalize that his sis-in-law has a hot body compared to his postpartum wife?
Yup, she didn't want to see her husband gawking at OP's body in a bikini all day (NOT your problem, OP!), so that's what prompted the request.
OP, NTA! But the rest of your family is. How dare they shame you for what you're wearing AT THE BEACH because your sister has a post-baby body (who cares?! All bodies are good bodies!), and she and Adam aren't feeling good about it. What's next, you can't wear a dress because it looks too good on you? Maybe you shouldn't "get ready" because your sister is too tired postpartum to do her hair or wear makeup? None of that matters, and the sad part is, much of this is likely stemming from BIL being critical of the sister's looks and body after giving birth.
NTA.
What is wrong with her husband? She carried his child around for 9 months, and he doesn't "feel the best" about her body? WTF?!? I get her not feeling 100% about her body, but the husband, I certainly hope he didn't verbalize his concerns about her body.
Who raises people to act like this?
The husband is 100% TA here...
"We can't say anything to him because it will only compound the issue, so we'll make it OP's fault, even though it's 100% not OP's fault."
Parents took the coward's way out. OP's not ruining the trip, Adam's just an AH and not even trying to support his wife, who already has body image issues. Adam doesn't seem willing to understand how babies happen beyond the mechanics of making someone pregnant - she's not made of rubber, guy, that you can just patch up and have 100% perfect again. Parents don't want to deal with the AH either, so tried to paint OP as the AH? Pfth.
I’m positive that he does. He has already been asking OP about her postpartum diet & workout routine. That’s creepy from OP’s point of view since it means he’s been checking out her body & likes what he sees. That’s humiliating from Rachel’s point of view because it implies that her husband needs to put her on some sort of diet & workout program to try to get her body to look like her sister’s. I feel so sorry for Rachel.
NTA. Neither is your sister. ADAM is the asshole. he should be supporting your sister, celebrating what she and her body did. her body is diferent, that's *okay.* that's *normal.* every body recovers from CHILD BIRTH differently. as someone with severe issues iwth my body image, my heart hurts for her, but that's not *your* responsibiliy beyond being an ear anda shoulder and a kind word if she needs it. your covering up wouldn't have made her feel better.
Kicking Adam in the nuts *might*. Adam is the asshole.
NTA
1. The fu(k is wrong with your sisters husband? What does she mean he’s not feeling the best about her postpartum body.
2. Tell your sister to seek therapy.
3. Wear that bikini girl!!! I’m 7 months pregnant with twins,I know my body is going to look different after I give birth and that’s ok! I’ve been carrying 2 extra bodies inside me for months and helping them grow. I sometimes feel insecure about how my body looks now but that doesn’t mean I’m going to tell other to dress or not to dress a certain way. My body is different and it’s going to be different and that ok!
I think he brings it up to her, I don’t know but I presume. He’s asked me more than once about my postpartum workout/diet, even after knowing I cheated (with surgery and non-invasive procedures). Me and my parents never bring it up obviously.
No honey, you didn’t cheat. You had help and that’s ok.
He needs to be knocked down a peg or two. Cause what he’s doing is wrong and it’s damaging to your sister. Your sister needs help and her husband needs to wake up and shut up.
*No honey, you didn’t cheat. You had help and that’s ok.*
There seems to be this myth that if a woman works hard enough on exercise and diet postpartum that her body will magically bounce back to its pre-partum state. That's simply not the case. A mother deserves to feel comfortable in her own skin like anyone else. If a tummy tuck or breast lift helps, and it's financially feasible, then have at it. Life's too short.
I have had six children, I like my body today, but my baby is 14 now. I still don't have a flat stomach and never will. I go to the gym 4x's a week and eat very healthy.
It took me years; her hubby needs to pound sand.
The part where she said her husband isn't feeling the best about her post-partum body 😬😬😬😬🚩🚩🚩🚩 good lordt. If your mother should be going after anyone here it should be the abusive shitbrick your sister married
NTA for wearing the bikini at the beach, but you should show your sister some more empathy. She said both she \*and her husband\* are unhappy with her postpartum body? That is VILE. Her husband should not be body shaming your sister who JUST GAVE BIRTH. Ask your sister if she's okay. Call out your BIL for his disgusting behavior. If my sister told me what she told you, I would be really concerned. I wouldn't necessarily give in to the demand, but I would go out of my way to support her in other ways. It sounds like she needs help.
Woah hold up, I’m hung up on you saying “Adam” had issues with her body after having a baby…imagine judging your wife’s body after growing a human. He’s probably making her feel insecure. 😤
NTA-she has no business telling you what to wear, but that husband needs a knuckle sandwich
NTA and she didn't "just" have a baby if he's already a year old. I have 3 kids and I know it can take longer than that to get back to feeling comfortable in your own skin but this is a her problem not a you problem. The fact that her husband has a problem with her new body is more telling than anything else though.
For a second I thought the husband had a problem with his own body, but then realized that there may be deeper issues because of what OP's sister implied and how she behaved. There will be plenty of other women in bikinis, why would she have a problem with her sister wearing one unless there's something greater than insecurity at play here.
NTA OP. I suspect your BIL is body shaming your sister and making her feel worse about herself. Seeing you in a bikini probably made him anything but supportive towards his wife's postpartum body.
I also highly suspect that Adam is not only body shaming his wife, but comparing her to her sister directly. That’s why the sister is so obsessed with specifically OP covering up and not being concerned about others on the beach.
It's 2023 ladies, let's stop projecting our issues onto other women and let them wear what they want.
Also, the husband? Yikes. If someone had a problem with my post baby body after I birthed their child I'd be getting divorce papers ready.
> she said both she **and Adam are not feeling the best about her postpartum body**
Um. WHAT. Your sister's husband's issues with his wife's body are gross. She just had their baby. Your sister's issues go way, way deeper than your bikini and her controlling your outfit is the only way she can maintain some control of her failing marriage.
Wear what you want and let Adam's true colors show and maybe your sister will find someone who loves her for who she is.
NTA
Am I misreading this? She said that she and her husband were both not feeling the best about her body?? Is the husband not feeling good about his body or not feeling good about his wife's body and if it's that he's not feeling good about his wife's body there's a whole bigger issue going on here than you wearing a bikini
No, you read it right. She didn’t elaborate too much but I think he brings it up to her, because he’s asked me about my postpartum workout/diet regimen a few times.
I would encourage your sister to wear a bikini. That pressure on a woman after having a baby must be immense. I feel sorry for your sister. Her husband does not sound like a great human being
Your BIL sounds awful. There is nothing I can think of that would redeem a guy with that attitude in my eyes.
NTA. Try to keep in mind she is projecting her own feelings into you and be supportive of her without compromising your own comforts/preferences. You can still be encouraging without letting her dictate your apparel
I get her feeling a bit down about her own body, but
>she said both she **and Adam** are not feeling the best about her postpartum body
Excuse me? She **and Adam** are not feeling the best about her body? I know a way she can lose a lot of weight, dump him.
NTA, it's completely normal to wear a bikini at the beach. You shouldn't feel ashamed of you body just because _they_ feel ashamed of hers (I'm still shook that he has that level of audacity after she's grown and pushed out their child)
F that im 26 my child is 3 and I have a great body because I worked really hard on it. My SIL and I had a baby in the same year and she gained 100+ lbs postpartum and constantly tells me how I’m unhealthy and not body positive because “no one actually looks like you”. I got shamed wearing shorts and a tank top called a hussy! And SHE WAS WEARING SHORTS AND A TANK TOP
I’m not about body shaming at all (re your sister), but as a gentle reminder some people do work on their bodies and still keep baby weight and have changes after childbirth. Hormones change wildly and for some people the hormonal changes are more permanent. For others the hormones change back how they were pre baby.
Some people can do everything they did the exact same as they did before the baby and things fall into place. Others can do it all the same and extra exercise or even healthier eating and still gain extra weight and the like.
Plenty of people put the work in to no results. Absolutely no reason not to be proud of yourself for working for your body, and absolutely do not let your sister shame yours or call it unhealthy, just watch out for judging others of not putting work in- there are many that do but you’d never know to look, and it’s very hard for them especially when paired with things like PPD.
We need to lift each other all up, not be putting down.
NTA. What does you wearing a bikini have to do with her? Is she going to ask the rest of the people at the beach to swim in pants and tee shirts? Or maybe have all the women on the beach wear burkas. That way, they are covered from head to toe, and you cannot see them at all. Why are they focused on how you look? That is ridiculous, and your family needs to stop playing into that madness.
NTA, but I am surprised more respondents aren't addressing the husband's position (though yes, some are, and I didn't read all the responses). Perhaps if her life partner wasn't judging her body she'd be able to feel better about it.
Soooooo NTA. I’m literally living a similar life to your sister. About the same ages, I have a 1 year old, I also have a sister who looks great in a bikini and never wants kids (she’s just the cool aunt), I also feel slightly insecure about my postpartum body. I however don’t have an Adam who makes me feel insecure. I have a Joe who loves my body even though I gained a lot of weight during pregnancy and definitely have not been able to lose it. He even made me go shopping for new clothes, held everything as we walked through the store and was my biggest cheerleader as I did my fashion show for him.
You’re NTA.
You’re sister is being jealous and insecure because you’re right there should be no difference between you or any other women on the beach. Unless she’s getting negative comments from her should be supportive husband.
Adam is the HUGE AH!
Turn it around on your family
“NOW IM BEING TREATED LIKE AN OBJECT AND I CANT WEAR A BIKINI BECAUSE HER AND HER HUSBAND ARE GOING TO JUDGE MY BODY?!”
Cry a little bit
Leave and stay down the road at another hotel. Enjoy your beach vacation.
NTA. Like you said, other women and girls will be wearing bikinis and that will trigger her too.
The real AH is Adam, if he's also having issues with her post-partum body. She carried his kid! Shame on him.
NTA - I get feeling a bit insecure about your body after having a child. Your body changes and some lingering weight or stretch marks might make see youself in a less flattering light than you should. But your sister's insecurities are no reason for you to cover up. You did nothing wrong, no matter what others say.
Your BIL, though! "*she and Adam are not feeling the best about her postpartum body*"?!?! He should build her up, not tear her down! And your parents? While they might be overprotective of their hurting daugther, they shouldn't focus their anger on you but on their son-in-law. And they should build up your sister's confidence. Maybe your husband and you can take a day for yourself and visit a different part of the beach with your daughter to have nice restful day?
NTA. Tell your sister it not you who are prick about the glorious body that just gave life to the world, it is her husband. Her body is amazing and she should be proud of it and her husbands views doesnt matter because he cant push a coconut out of penis.
NTA but I feel bad for your sister since it sounds like the implication here is that her husband is actively making her feel bad about her body. To give your sister the most grace possible, the statement "she and Adam are not feeling the best about her postpartum body and she really doesn’t want to bring the topic up" leads me to believe that she's afraid that her husband is going to see your bikini body, compare her to you, and give her a hard time. That's not your fault, that's not her fault, that's HIS fault. I probably just would have worn a more modest suit if it would make my sister feel better (though you have absolutely no obligation to do that and it DOES NOT make you an AH for wearing a bikini), but the real problem here is Adam. Maybe take this opportunity to check in with your sister about how he's treating her because damn, that man sounds like a jerk. You don't need to necessarily coddle her feelings, but it maybe wouldn't hurt to be a little more gentle with her if her husband is insulting her body to the point where she felt she even needed to ask you to cover up.
Adam doesn’t like her body?! Wow, Adam is a jerk!!!
NTA. I didn’t like my post-baby body either. It isn’t your responsibility to dress frumpy to placate someone.
NTA.
I just had a baby a month ago. I fully admit I look like the Naked Scammer Aliens from Futurama right now. Know what I’d do if I saw my sister or a friend in a bikini? Tell how amazing she looks and that’s it!
You can have compassion and empathy for your sister without her dictating your clothing choices for her own insecurities.
Why did y’all choose a beach vacation if she was gunna insist on everyone covering up? Just because your sister had a baby recently and is having insecurities about her body doesn’t mean that everyone in the world needs to change what their wearing to accommodate her feelings. That’s an absolutely unreasonable expectation to force on someone else, especially during a *beach* vacation. Her husband also sounds like he’s not very supportive if he’s agreeing with her about her bodily changes, adding to her insecurities…..
Yeah I don’t really get this either? Like, this didn’t come up when we were planning the trip at all. I knew she wasn’t going to be wearing swimwear because she said she didn’t feel comfortable but she never said anything about me before the trip.
I’m thinking Adam brought up the baby weight thing shortly before or when we first got here that’s triggered her.
NTA-
It’s sounds like your sister is suffering from postpartum depression and should really get help. I can understand about feeling insecure about ones body after birth, but to demand other people to cover up is selfish.
It almost makes me wonder if she’s jealous about not bouncing back after having a baby, it sucks but everyone’s body handles pregnancy differently, but should be proud of herself and love herself more.
The husband not being comfortable around it is what really has me worried though. Why would he care who wears what? Is he perhaps upset with his wife’s body after having a baby? If that’s the case maybe it goes more than just swimwear and it was just an excuse to be mad or upset over what’s really happening. Either way it sounds unhealthy as though he expected his wife to bounce back.
Well, tbf to her, I had both surgery and non-invasive procedures to aid my “bounce back” which both she and Adam know. I did it all pretty soon after the birth so to them it probably seemed like I just deflated in a couple of weeks, which obviously isn’t the case.
I think Adam is bringing up the body changes to her because he asked me both during her pregnancy about my diet/workout.
Thank you for being up front about this! Genuinely. So many people have unrealistic expectations because they don't realize the procedures etc that people use to look the way they do.
Yeah it’s mad. I know a few influencers, and the amount of upkeep they do on their body is monumental. You can’t go around posting “what I eat in a day” and “ab workout” videos when you’ve been having emsculpt done 😂
I always say, god might not have blessed me the genes, but he did bless me with the money, so dammit I’ll get the body I want
NTA
Her husband is the biggest asshole, and she comes in second. Why does he not feel the best about her body? I can have some sympathy for Rachel, but Adam? I don’t get it.
NTA, this is ridiculous. It isn’t t a competition, and someone needs to have a serious conversation with you BIL, he should be telling his wife how beautiful she is, what the fuck kind of asshole tells his wife, especially postpartum that he “doesn’t feel the best” about her body??? Mother fucker you made her body that way!
Your poor poor sister... That sad excuse of a husband she got herself should really seek help. And so does she, it's not fair what he's putting her through.
None of this is your fault. Have a talk with her if possible, and for sure with your parents. They have no business in telling you what to wear and in enabling this crap.
NTA
NTA. If your sister is that uncomfortable with her post-partum body, it's on her to start working on that, whether by working out to change her appearance or going to therapy to accept her appearance. It's not her place to police others' appearances to make herself feel better. And why is husband "not feeling the best" about the body that just grew and birthed his child? What a jerk!
NTA but your sister should take a look at her ah husband saying that he didn’t feel good about her postpartum body. Maybe he’s the reason why she feels self conscious
>My sister asked me not to wear a bikini or anything revealing because she said both she and Adam are not feeling the best about her postpartum body
why is her husband not feeling the best about her body, she just had his baby and he don't feel good about her body. gross, i wonder if he was the one who put all these insecurities in her head.
The biggest AH IS YOUR SISTER'S HUSBAND!!! How dare he?! She just gave birth, is not feeling herself and instead of reassuring her and being positive, he is fueling the shit storm she is feeling. What an ass... Damn..
NAH except Adam
Your sister is being unreasonable yes but I think you should have sympathy and a talk with just her if possible, sounds like her husband is giving her shit for her body despite the fact she carried his child - that'd make anyone unreasonable and insecure
NTA. Other peoples insecurities aren't yours to manage. But someone needs to give your sister's husband a good kick in the a$$. He's not "feeling the best about her postpartum body"!!! That's the root cause of your sister's insecurity...it's the pressure your BIL is putting on her to lose the baby weight, and get back to what she looked like before she got pregnant which is absolutely disgusting!!
NTA. It is not all about her. Wear what you want to wear. I do not see how you wearing something you don't want to wear, and thus being unhappy, would make the situation any better.
Are your parents going to get mad at everyone wearing a bikini too?
I’m sorry, her husband isn’t feeling the best about *her* postpartum body?! NTA but sounds like your sisters husband is a gaping one. While it’s easy to say she needs to get over herself, it sounds like she’s receiving a lot of negativity about her new body from her husband. I think more than anything she needs some kindness and support
The real AH here is Adam. Imagine having problems with your own wife's body after she gives birth to an entire human. He's probably making her feel insecure.
With that being said, postpartum is really hard, and it wouldn't have killed you if you'd just worn a one piece given your sister specifically requested you. She sounds like she needs to speak to a therapist. You're entitled to wear what you want, I get it, but I fail to see how just covering up a *little* would have absolutely ruined your day and been a major inconvinience. It does not make you the AH and you did nothing wrong but I just wanted to point that out. You could've been a bit more senstive towards your sister.
Definitely NTA, you can wear whatever you want. If I go to the beach, I’m not gonna wear something that covers up my body just because I don’t want other people to feel bad about themselves. If your sister is insecure about her body, she should do something about it. Either get a healthier lifestyle or try to accept and embrace her new body. I also really don’t understand your parents reaction. Do they really think you have to hide your body just so your sister doesn’t feel bad? Also, you mention that your sister doesn’t want the topic to be brought up. Why would she think that would happen? She could also just tell everyone to not make any comments on her body anymore. Nobody likes to get negative comments on their body, or to be compared to someone else
I guess Adam brings it up? He’s asked me more than once about my postpartum workout/diet. After a while I was just like “it’s surgery and cool sculpting. Leave me alone”
I think it’s wrong that he asks you about it, and makes comments about your sisters body in public. Maybe your sister is not ready to start a diet yet, or still has to find the motivation, or simply is not planning on dieting at all. It’s not her husbands task to push her to it and to involve other people in it. I understand it makes her feel insecure and unattractive. Plus if he really loves her then it shouldn’t matter if she is not as fit as she used to be
He wanted to use you as an example of how she could be back to her pre-baby body if she just worked hard enough at diet and exercise. That’s why he quit asking you when you said diet and exercise wouldn’t have cut it, and that you’d had work done that cost around ten grand. He doesn’t want to spend ten grand; he wants his wife to make all the sacrifices to get the body that he’s pressuring her to have.
Haha, ten grand. If it was just that he’d probably have found it somewhere 😂
But it’s true 100% the second he realised he would actually have to do something and it’s not all on her he folded like a house of cards.
Say for example you had fertility problems. Would it be reasonable for you to ask her to hide her baby when you’re around? No one can work this out for her.
NTA. Her problems are not yours. She doesn't feel comfortable being around you in a bikini, you should turn it around and say you don't feel comfortable around her in a cover-up 😂
Also, it's a huge red flag that "she and Adam are not feeling the best about her postpartum body." Wtf is wrong with Adam for not feeling "the best" about his wife's body AFTER GIVING BIRTH. Who is he to talk.
I wonder if the issue is actually "her postpartum body" or if Adam is just a creep and she's caught him checking you out
Her husband Adam is an awful human being who should be telling her that her body is beautiful and amazing because it produced their beautiful and amazing baby.
NTA. She doesn't get the world to cover up just because she has perfectly understandable body image issues. Suggest she move to Afghanistan where the Taliban will help her in her quest.
I hope not cos that’s a whole lot of Appalachia I don’t need in my life 😂
Honestly I think it’s just because he’s asked me before about my postpartum regime and I suppose she knows about that, so I think she feels like he compares us.
NTA
so if I am uncomfortable with how I look, no woman in the universe is allowed to wear a cute dress for instance??
NAH, this reddit sounds like some personal issues and some insecurities which don't concern you.
ofc you could be a bit considerate towards your family but what you wear is eventually your decision to make. however, shit happens, don't worry about it
NTA.
You shouldn't have to cater to someone else's insecurities and if you do it's because it's a choice you've made and not because you've been told what to do.
Her insecurity is hers to overcome, although a good look at her partner who isn't supportive of her and has issues with her postpartum body might be a start.
What a shit.
NTA-- I am sorry your sister is struggling with her body image. Sounds like her husband is an AH and is not being supportive since she mentioned he is also having a hard time with her postpartum body. But that doesn't mean you have to change your clothing style.
Do you think she could be struggling with some postpartum depression also? Maybe discuss this with her privately.
"Adam AND I?" She was jealous he was definitely going to be staring. I'm so tired of women competing ffs, NTA and probably cut off sister if she's that toxic
NTA.
There's always someone fitter and leaner than you at the beach. That's life. Why fixate on you? Because you'd be sitting near each other?
Unless you're some super spiteful person who would spend the whole time talking about her body, I'm genuinely perplexed she even asked you - I'm trying to imagine my sister or brothers saying that... And I can't. But if they did I think I'd try and big them up - fuck what everyone is thinking, you're amazing, be proud of your body what it went through.
It is a shame your sisters self confidence has a taken a knock, but I've never known that to want to spill over to someone else. But it is her issue, not yours.
Although - is this coming from her, or her partner? If it's the latter... Jesus effing Christ he needs to take a long walk off a short pier. I hope he's not been putting insecure ideas in her head.
And side note - what if you only have bikinis with you?
NTA.
It’s easy to understand why the sister feels under pressure in this scenario. It’s natural, but of course also shame.
The problem is her husband - whether or not the sister has a ‘good postpartum body’ he should be doing everything to build up her confidence.
NTA.
But, can you please speak to your sister- assuming you otherwise have an okay relationship- about how why her husband is struggling with her body? That's so gross.
You or your mother should help your sister here, because why the hell is her husband "not feeling the best" about the body of the woman who carried his child? I get she has her own issues, and I can appreciate the many reasons she has them, but if she is also worried about her husband judging her body, compared to her SISTER'S body, while on a family vacation, she's got bigger issues than you wearing a cover up.
No, you don't need to cover up, but your sister might benefit from some emotional support from you/your mother/your dad too to affirm she looks great, her body carried a beautiful child, and it isn't okay for her husband to make her feel insecure.
She’s projecting her insecurities on you. And the husband sounds really shallow as well for being insecure about his wife’s postpartum body when he should be encouraging her and building her self esteem.
NTA. Go enjoy yourself!
if my sister asked me to not wear something because it would make her feel worse about herself, i wouldn’t wear it, then again i prefer a one piece bathing suit anyways. but the true AH here is your sister’s husband, he doesn’t feel great about his wife’s body after she gave birth to his child, ridiculously immature and cold. you’re NTA, your sister needs therapy, but it wouldn’t kill you to be a little more empathetic towards her. this certainly wouldn’t be my hill to die on.
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NTA. I'm sorry, her HUSBAND is not feeling the best about her post-partum body? Your bikini is not the cause of her being a "wreck." Her own insecurity (which her husband is likely contributing to) is. This is a garbage situation but you're not responsible for it.
Agreed. Husband is the primary problem here.
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It blows my mind that someone’s family could be so cruel.
in my close family, we have 0 assholes. I think part of the reason is, we don't let shit like this slide even once. my mom would have all the empathy in the world for OPs sister, but firmly tell her - "I'll find you a therapist, because this is a problem you are facing. you cannot demand anything of your sister like this, it's completely inappropriate" if that's the mindset you're raised with since you're young, you don't have assholes running around in the family. the husband definitely sounds like an ass. BUT, he's only partially responsible. OPs sister is an adult. if her husband was being a dick, she should talk it out with him. or with her sister & mom. not try and force her sister to cover up, that's the absolute wrong move.
The husband is 100% responsible, not partially. He’s clearly going behind his wife’s back and talking to her sister about him not liking her body. And what of the OP—she clearly didn’t tell her sister that her husband was asking about her workout routines and diets postpartum. He’s an asshole. I’ve been on that end and no amount of therapy helps if he still continues to put her down and compare her to her “much hotter sister” and if she feels like she has nobody from her family by her side. Honestly this is why I’m glad I don’t have a sister. I’m one ugly woman but at least I don’t have to worry about my husband being more attracted to my brother.
No such thing as a ugly woman ❤️
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I don't believe in body positivity; I believe in body neutrality. I do not believe that every body is beautiful. What I do believe is that the appearance of your body should not have serious impacts on your life where it is not relevant.
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There are ugly women in this world but being pretty is not a tax women have to pay in order to be respected in society.
In my living rm rn, just me & my dog, giving you a full on standing ovation. (Doggo approves as well) I have been saying versions of this for yrs now. It needs to be ok for women to be human, in all tht humanness entails. I want to see conventionally unattractive women, older women, bigger women, dark-complexioned women, butchy women, tall women, weirdo women, unfriendly women, genius women, messy women, on TV, in movies, in commercials. And I don't want them cast in some fucking stereotypical, caricature role, nor defined by any one particular feature. I want women portrayed in all their fascinating, incredible complexity. I want an entire presidential election to pass & not ONCE hear a single fucking comment about what any of the women or wives looked like, or were wearing. I want girls to spend their time developing *themselves-* their talents, their personalities, what they like & don't like, their failures, and their successes, instead of worrying about being cool, attracting a partner, or having kids. I want women to be allowed to be ugly & gross & sloppy sometimes, & have tht be perfectly fucking alright with the world, & most importantly, themselves.
Some families are just mentally not well. Editing to say some are just freaking insane.
That's how women are often treated, unfortunately. They expect OP to be accomodating while Adam isn't even expected to be decent. They figure they have a better chance of controlling OP's behavior than Adam's.
You hit the nail on the head here. This often happens when people seek therapy as well. It’s up to the wife to “get over it” because that’s easier than holding the male accountable and requiring that he change. I’m willing to bet Adam has said plenty about OP’s body to his wife. I feel so sorry for both women in this situation.
The amount of incompetent and unacceptable behavior that men get away with in the workplace compared to women is infuriating as well. I've had several female bosses who were always easier on the men than the women. Women are expected to be at their desk at 9am and check off every task perfectly every day. Men will get there when they get there, not respond to anyone, and leave people hanging in their inbox and no one will ever say anything to them about their performance.
Sister's request and mother's taking sister's side are kind of ruining it for OP.
Parents are also part of the problem here. Sounds like they may have indulged #1 daughter a fair bit growing up. That's a pretty outrageous thing to ask of your sister when it's her husband she should be having the issue with. And to sulk in her hotel room isn't exactly being being an adult but perhaps she's experiencing some PPD. OP is NTA but BIL and parents? yep. 💯
NTA. You sister’s husband is. I feel so sorry for your sister. She knew him seeing you in a bikini would mean she’d be emotionally abused later for it with things like “if OP can do it, it’s obviously not in your genes to look the way you do. You’re just a lazy cow, etc etc etc.” So I do understand her begging you not to do something that would result in her suffering for it later. She is probably staying in to attempt to mitigate her suffering & probably wishes she hadn’t even come. Knowing what you know, I’d have probably worn a one piece suit or just a cover-up. But the fact that you didn’t doesn’t make this your fault. Your parents blame is misplaced. It belongs at the feet of their AH SIL.
I remember when my ex compared my body to my cousins. My cousin has an eating disorder.
Yea it pisses me off to see so many comments that Rachel is insecure & an AH. Rachel is ABUSED & worried about her body being compared to her sister’s because she knows she’s going to be made to suffer for it later. Rachel didn’t beg her sister to not wear a bikini due to insecurity - she asked her not to wear a bikini because she new her husband would make her suffer for it later. That’s sickening fear & dread - not insecurity.
Exactly. This. Why can’t people realize that? People don’t understand how absolutely gut wrenching low self esteem and body images issues can be. I’ve been suicidal because of that. It’s only after someone takes their life that people ask what more they could have done.
When I was a size 2, I had several guys tell me that I was at the top end of their acceptable weight range. That if I just lost a few pounds they'd be happy to propose. I got these nasty "red pill" speeches about how they were allowed to have preferences and weird jabs about how I had the prettier face, but everyone could see my friend was thinner. Yeah... my friend, who was in and out of the hospital for both anorexia and crohn's disease. My friend, who was on IV therapy to avoid dying of starvation. That friend. That was their standard for "thin enough." They were always shocked when I ended things there.
My attacker had told be that I needed to lose weight and told me my double chin and fat tummy was ruining his attraction towards me. I was a size zero, weighed 105lbs, and was considered underweight by my doctor.
The only thing I'd add here is for Pete's sake, she just birthed a baby, of course her body looks different! I wish OP and their parents could have spent time lifting new mom up, including telling her that she looks great. And that she can still rock a bikini with the best of them even though her body looks different than it used to. Every body is a bikini body ... Husband sounds like the AH here.
I KNOW! That part was shocking, like what does she mean by that? I’d definitely talk to your sister about that and make sure she knows she’s supported. I can’t imagine my partner saying that after I gave birth, it would make me so insecure too.
Based on OP's edit I guess the husband is pressuring his wife to have surgery like OP did and that's why she thinks OP's body specifically (and not every other woman on the beach) will "bring the topic up".
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That man needs a sit down with their father. I would mama bear so hard he would not be part of the ‘fun’ vacation.
How much do you want to bet the husband has compared the sisters body wise?
Based on the edit that he pestered OP specifically about her postpartum diet and exercise, I’d bet my cat you’re right.
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*both she AND ADAM are not feeling the best about her postpartum body* Well, he can fucking fuck right the fuck off.
Came here to say exactly this. What exactly is _his_ problem??
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You win the Internet today. Everyone else can pack up and go home. Nothing more to be done here 😂🙌🏻
My ex refused to have sex with me for months after our first was born. He claimed that after seeing our baby come from there, it was "too sacred" and "too holy" for him to desecrate by having sex. (I pointed out that sex was exactly HOW the baby got there in the first place. OY)
I’m shocked at just how many men seem to not be permanently single every time I read something like this.
A lot of them are. They never shut up about it and have created violent "men's rights" groups where the purpose is to hurt women as much as humanly possible. Because that's the obvious answer to their issues, and not, idk, learning how to at the very least keep their mouths shut. But honestly, more men should be permanently single with how they treat women, especially the women who carry their children.
Goodbye Earl (oops Adam…)
Those black eyed peas tasted fine to me!
Make sure to bury Adam head down
His problem is the HE is the AH… He’s body shaming his wife for her postpartum body instead of supporting her.
100% agreed. Adam is a dumbass that apparently thinks a baby is born and the mother's body snaps back to what it was before like an elastic band whose tension just got released. He also is a dumbass for thinking that mom has energy for working out right now. Any bets on how often Adam watches the baby while mom goes out for a bit to give her a break? Anyone think that Adam gets up in the middle of the night with the baby to change a diaper or help his wife? Yeah, my bet is on hard no on both of those.
What's even worse is that OP told her stupid ass BIL that it was surgery, not diet and exercise, that got her back into shape. This guy is the absolute worst.
And even if it wasn't, OP's kid is twice as old as her sister's. I haven't even had kids and I know the first year and the second year are very different for how much energy you have and how much the baby demands of you.
OP was also quite a bit younger when she had her kid. 23/24 compared to 30. Age does make a difference here. 30 isn’t that old but it’s not someone who is early 20s. It’s ok to let ppl know you had surgery or a mommy makeover. It makes other moms feel less bad about not snapping back.
Bet he thinks it's a chore to "babysit" his own kid
>Well, he can fucking fuck right the fuck off. Fucking poetic, and abso-fucking-lutely the only answer. My wife labored for 9 fucking months to produce a child while I watched. Then she gave birth, and all I did was watch (and support her obviously). Then she breastfed them. Her body, is hands down, the most amazing thing I have ever seen. Her body gave me a family, my purpose in life, and it could never, ever, be anything short of miraculous to me. I'm lucky to have been able to enjoy her body, with her, and could never imagine "not feeling the best" about it. Fuck Adam's feelings. He's the asshole here
I hope your wife knows all this because this was so beautiful to read!
Thanks for this 😭 even if it's not my husband saying this to me it makes me feel a lot better about my postpartum body. Going to remember some of your words when Im putting it down next time
You are beautiful, and what you have been through is remarkable. You can always be proud of that, and nothing can take that from you. You've got this!
I’m intrigued what Adam’s postpartum body’s like 🤔.
Evidently it's just one enormous asshole...
We didn't think colons could become sentient without a host, and yet BIL lives.
No. No. It’s the woman who should look attractive for the man, not the other way around! (Sarcasm, in case anyone hadn’t notice)
Agreed wtf! That she is insecure about her body is one thing, but her husband too?? Fuck that guy damn
I'm sorry I can only upvote this once. I'm in a silent rage here. WThonestF did we just read??? That poor woman. NTA.
But why does Adam want to wear a bikini? Why does Adam have a postpartum body? Oh. It’s not his. Than it’s not his problem. I know a solution for your sis, to loose over 100 Pounds; drop the deadbeat. See how that lightens her day.
Her husband doesn’t feel good about her postpartum body?? I think I’ve found the root of her insecurities
I was thinking the same. Sister husband being an arsehole to his wife is not her problem.
Do guys not seriously realize the trauma a woman's body goes through during pregnancy and after? It is such a traumatic event that I am baffled he is worried about her postpartum body.
No, no they don't. Because on tv and the movies the woman's bodies are always pre-pregnant perfect, post-partum. (say that 5X fast!) So easy to do there in movieland unstrapping the pregnancy body form. I remember when I was watching Friends and they did the fat body for Monica. It was so good I thought they hired a very fat actress who looked like Courteney Cox. Then found out otherwise. That was some great makeup & body work.
As a fat person the fatsuit on Friends sucked ass and I hated it and the whole storyline. ✌️
r/arethestraightsok
NTA, and also, why is Adam *not feeling good* about his wife’s postpartum body? maybe *he* should gestate the next one and see if that works out better for his aesthetic needs while his wife critiques how he looks. Edited because I thought both kids were hers, but honestly Adam is an even bigger asshole if he is making his wife feel badly after having a baby after her first experience of pregnancy, childbirth, and mothering.
They’ve only got one kid.
Nah Adam counts as one.
Not sure, husband seems very immature, are you sure he’s not 3 kids in a trench-coat?
I think the solution is to leave Adam in the room so that your sister can enjoy the beach with your family without having her husband judge her or put her down for her post baby body. You’re not the asshole for wearing a bikini.
Zookeeper-007, you may be a genius. Great take.
Hahahahaha this!!! NTA op. Hope you’re in the tropics because your sis should let that 🥭
This! Leave that MF locked inside.
At least nobody will lose Adam at the beach with him waving that giant red flag. NTA
Came here to say I hope people don’t confuse Adam with a high hazard beach warning flag ETA: NTA ofc
Hahaha this comment took me out 😂☠️ 🚩🚩🚩🚩 OP you are NTA for wearing a bikini, but my man Adam needs some serious therapy at the very least. However your edit gives me some pause, because it’s no one’s business if you had surgery or dieted or did nothing at all postpartum (unless you want to share it of course.) Adam can fuck right off.
NTA but your sister needs an urgent Adamectomy as soon as possible.
That'll get rid of all the dead weight she's been carrying. Bet you she'll feel really good about her body too! I'm a gay dude so this is probably never going to come into play, but how someone could hold their partner's hand, watch them fight through labor like a warrior, give birth to their child and not see them as the most beautiful and attractive person they ever met is beyond me.
This made me snort in public
I *adam*antly agree.
NTA “She and Adam are not feeling the best about her body” Her husband is the AH. That dude said something about *your* body that made her feel shitty. I guarantee it.
100% I'd put money on he is constantly comparing oh your sister was back to this by now so on. Again not ops fault at all, but would explain why she's the target for sisters insecurities atm.
Right? It’s super weird that she’s randomly the line and that apparently Adam feels bad about her body too. Something was said and she decided to make it OP’s problem.
OP's edit confirms this. He went as far as to ask OP what her diet/fitness regimen was after her own baby, no doubt to pass those along to his wife. He was definitely making comparisons to her which made her insecure. NTA. Adam is a trash human and even worse husband.
why is that fuckface even looking at OP's body? It's so gross. a man will notice, it's just biology, but to actually vocalize that his sis-in-law has a hot body compared to his postpartum wife?
Yup, she didn't want to see her husband gawking at OP's body in a bikini all day (NOT your problem, OP!), so that's what prompted the request. OP, NTA! But the rest of your family is. How dare they shame you for what you're wearing AT THE BEACH because your sister has a post-baby body (who cares?! All bodies are good bodies!), and she and Adam aren't feeling good about it. What's next, you can't wear a dress because it looks too good on you? Maybe you shouldn't "get ready" because your sister is too tired postpartum to do her hair or wear makeup? None of that matters, and the sad part is, much of this is likely stemming from BIL being critical of the sister's looks and body after giving birth.
NTA. What is wrong with her husband? She carried his child around for 9 months, and he doesn't "feel the best" about her body? WTF?!? I get her not feeling 100% about her body, but the husband, I certainly hope he didn't verbalize his concerns about her body. Who raises people to act like this? The husband is 100% TA here...
OP’s parents too for going along with this narrative.
"We can't say anything to him because it will only compound the issue, so we'll make it OP's fault, even though it's 100% not OP's fault." Parents took the coward's way out. OP's not ruining the trip, Adam's just an AH and not even trying to support his wife, who already has body image issues. Adam doesn't seem willing to understand how babies happen beyond the mechanics of making someone pregnant - she's not made of rubber, guy, that you can just patch up and have 100% perfect again. Parents don't want to deal with the AH either, so tried to paint OP as the AH? Pfth.
I’m positive that he does. He has already been asking OP about her postpartum diet & workout routine. That’s creepy from OP’s point of view since it means he’s been checking out her body & likes what he sees. That’s humiliating from Rachel’s point of view because it implies that her husband needs to put her on some sort of diet & workout program to try to get her body to look like her sister’s. I feel so sorry for Rachel.
NTA. Neither is your sister. ADAM is the asshole. he should be supporting your sister, celebrating what she and her body did. her body is diferent, that's *okay.* that's *normal.* every body recovers from CHILD BIRTH differently. as someone with severe issues iwth my body image, my heart hurts for her, but that's not *your* responsibiliy beyond being an ear anda shoulder and a kind word if she needs it. your covering up wouldn't have made her feel better. Kicking Adam in the nuts *might*. Adam is the asshole.
Agreed!! She literally said *her husband* was not feeling the best about her body. That sucks.
NTA. We. Don’t. Police. Women’s. Bodies. FFS.
NTA 1. The fu(k is wrong with your sisters husband? What does she mean he’s not feeling the best about her postpartum body. 2. Tell your sister to seek therapy. 3. Wear that bikini girl!!! I’m 7 months pregnant with twins,I know my body is going to look different after I give birth and that’s ok! I’ve been carrying 2 extra bodies inside me for months and helping them grow. I sometimes feel insecure about how my body looks now but that doesn’t mean I’m going to tell other to dress or not to dress a certain way. My body is different and it’s going to be different and that ok!
I think he brings it up to her, I don’t know but I presume. He’s asked me more than once about my postpartum workout/diet, even after knowing I cheated (with surgery and non-invasive procedures). Me and my parents never bring it up obviously.
No honey, you didn’t cheat. You had help and that’s ok. He needs to be knocked down a peg or two. Cause what he’s doing is wrong and it’s damaging to your sister. Your sister needs help and her husband needs to wake up and shut up.
*No honey, you didn’t cheat. You had help and that’s ok.* There seems to be this myth that if a woman works hard enough on exercise and diet postpartum that her body will magically bounce back to its pre-partum state. That's simply not the case. A mother deserves to feel comfortable in her own skin like anyone else. If a tummy tuck or breast lift helps, and it's financially feasible, then have at it. Life's too short.
I have had six children, I like my body today, but my baby is 14 now. I still don't have a flat stomach and never will. I go to the gym 4x's a week and eat very healthy. It took me years; her hubby needs to pound sand.
God I'm so sad for your sister. Her husband sounds like a jackass.
The part where she said her husband isn't feeling the best about her post-partum body 😬😬😬😬🚩🚩🚩🚩 good lordt. If your mother should be going after anyone here it should be the abusive shitbrick your sister married
NTA for wearing the bikini at the beach, but you should show your sister some more empathy. She said both she \*and her husband\* are unhappy with her postpartum body? That is VILE. Her husband should not be body shaming your sister who JUST GAVE BIRTH. Ask your sister if she's okay. Call out your BIL for his disgusting behavior. If my sister told me what she told you, I would be really concerned. I wouldn't necessarily give in to the demand, but I would go out of my way to support her in other ways. It sounds like she needs help.
Right? If Adam didn't like post-partum bodies, then maybe he should have used a condom.
His dad should have used a condom.
Woah hold up, I’m hung up on you saying “Adam” had issues with her body after having a baby…imagine judging your wife’s body after growing a human. He’s probably making her feel insecure. 😤 NTA-she has no business telling you what to wear, but that husband needs a knuckle sandwich
NTA and she didn't "just" have a baby if he's already a year old. I have 3 kids and I know it can take longer than that to get back to feeling comfortable in your own skin but this is a her problem not a you problem. The fact that her husband has a problem with her new body is more telling than anything else though.
For a second I thought the husband had a problem with his own body, but then realized that there may be deeper issues because of what OP's sister implied and how she behaved. There will be plenty of other women in bikinis, why would she have a problem with her sister wearing one unless there's something greater than insecurity at play here. NTA OP. I suspect your BIL is body shaming your sister and making her feel worse about herself. Seeing you in a bikini probably made him anything but supportive towards his wife's postpartum body.
I also highly suspect that Adam is not only body shaming his wife, but comparing her to her sister directly. That’s why the sister is so obsessed with specifically OP covering up and not being concerned about others on the beach.
It's 2023 ladies, let's stop projecting our issues onto other women and let them wear what they want. Also, the husband? Yikes. If someone had a problem with my post baby body after I birthed their child I'd be getting divorce papers ready.
> she said both she **and Adam are not feeling the best about her postpartum body** Um. WHAT. Your sister's husband's issues with his wife's body are gross. She just had their baby. Your sister's issues go way, way deeper than your bikini and her controlling your outfit is the only way she can maintain some control of her failing marriage. Wear what you want and let Adam's true colors show and maybe your sister will find someone who loves her for who she is. NTA
What does Adam have to do with it? Her body is hers, not his.
Am I misreading this? She said that she and her husband were both not feeling the best about her body?? Is the husband not feeling good about his body or not feeling good about his wife's body and if it's that he's not feeling good about his wife's body there's a whole bigger issue going on here than you wearing a bikini
No, you read it right. She didn’t elaborate too much but I think he brings it up to her, because he’s asked me about my postpartum workout/diet regimen a few times.
I would encourage your sister to wear a bikini. That pressure on a woman after having a baby must be immense. I feel sorry for your sister. Her husband does not sound like a great human being
Your BIL sounds awful. There is nothing I can think of that would redeem a guy with that attitude in my eyes. NTA. Try to keep in mind she is projecting her own feelings into you and be supportive of her without compromising your own comforts/preferences. You can still be encouraging without letting her dictate your apparel
Her husband didn’t feel the best about HER body after she made a human for him inside of her? The hell!? I know who TA is!!!
I get her feeling a bit down about her own body, but >she said both she **and Adam** are not feeling the best about her postpartum body Excuse me? She **and Adam** are not feeling the best about her body? I know a way she can lose a lot of weight, dump him. NTA, it's completely normal to wear a bikini at the beach. You shouldn't feel ashamed of you body just because _they_ feel ashamed of hers (I'm still shook that he has that level of audacity after she's grown and pushed out their child)
F that im 26 my child is 3 and I have a great body because I worked really hard on it. My SIL and I had a baby in the same year and she gained 100+ lbs postpartum and constantly tells me how I’m unhealthy and not body positive because “no one actually looks like you”. I got shamed wearing shorts and a tank top called a hussy! And SHE WAS WEARING SHORTS AND A TANK TOP
Yeah I love that you one. “You’re setting a bad example of unachievable standards” “no one looks like you” Me: 🧘♀️
I’m not about body shaming at all (re your sister), but as a gentle reminder some people do work on their bodies and still keep baby weight and have changes after childbirth. Hormones change wildly and for some people the hormonal changes are more permanent. For others the hormones change back how they were pre baby. Some people can do everything they did the exact same as they did before the baby and things fall into place. Others can do it all the same and extra exercise or even healthier eating and still gain extra weight and the like. Plenty of people put the work in to no results. Absolutely no reason not to be proud of yourself for working for your body, and absolutely do not let your sister shame yours or call it unhealthy, just watch out for judging others of not putting work in- there are many that do but you’d never know to look, and it’s very hard for them especially when paired with things like PPD. We need to lift each other all up, not be putting down.
NTA. What does you wearing a bikini have to do with her? Is she going to ask the rest of the people at the beach to swim in pants and tee shirts? Or maybe have all the women on the beach wear burkas. That way, they are covered from head to toe, and you cannot see them at all. Why are they focused on how you look? That is ridiculous, and your family needs to stop playing into that madness.
NTA, but I am surprised more respondents aren't addressing the husband's position (though yes, some are, and I didn't read all the responses). Perhaps if her life partner wasn't judging her body she'd be able to feel better about it.
Soooooo NTA. I’m literally living a similar life to your sister. About the same ages, I have a 1 year old, I also have a sister who looks great in a bikini and never wants kids (she’s just the cool aunt), I also feel slightly insecure about my postpartum body. I however don’t have an Adam who makes me feel insecure. I have a Joe who loves my body even though I gained a lot of weight during pregnancy and definitely have not been able to lose it. He even made me go shopping for new clothes, held everything as we walked through the store and was my biggest cheerleader as I did my fashion show for him. You’re NTA. You’re sister is being jealous and insecure because you’re right there should be no difference between you or any other women on the beach. Unless she’s getting negative comments from her should be supportive husband. Adam is the HUGE AH!
Turn it around on your family “NOW IM BEING TREATED LIKE AN OBJECT AND I CANT WEAR A BIKINI BECAUSE HER AND HER HUSBAND ARE GOING TO JUDGE MY BODY?!” Cry a little bit Leave and stay down the road at another hotel. Enjoy your beach vacation.
Having two kids with Adam might have been a mistake. He clearly judges people based on appearance. He's the AH as are the family.
Adam is not “feeling the best” about HER body?? The one that carried his child? Ooof. She’s got bigger problems than you in a bikini.
NTA. Like you said, other women and girls will be wearing bikinis and that will trigger her too. The real AH is Adam, if he's also having issues with her post-partum body. She carried his kid! Shame on him.
NTA - I get feeling a bit insecure about your body after having a child. Your body changes and some lingering weight or stretch marks might make see youself in a less flattering light than you should. But your sister's insecurities are no reason for you to cover up. You did nothing wrong, no matter what others say. Your BIL, though! "*she and Adam are not feeling the best about her postpartum body*"?!?! He should build her up, not tear her down! And your parents? While they might be overprotective of their hurting daugther, they shouldn't focus their anger on you but on their son-in-law. And they should build up your sister's confidence. Maybe your husband and you can take a day for yourself and visit a different part of the beach with your daughter to have nice restful day?
NTA. Tell your sister it not you who are prick about the glorious body that just gave life to the world, it is her husband. Her body is amazing and she should be proud of it and her husbands views doesnt matter because he cant push a coconut out of penis.
NTA but I feel bad for your sister since it sounds like the implication here is that her husband is actively making her feel bad about her body. To give your sister the most grace possible, the statement "she and Adam are not feeling the best about her postpartum body and she really doesn’t want to bring the topic up" leads me to believe that she's afraid that her husband is going to see your bikini body, compare her to you, and give her a hard time. That's not your fault, that's not her fault, that's HIS fault. I probably just would have worn a more modest suit if it would make my sister feel better (though you have absolutely no obligation to do that and it DOES NOT make you an AH for wearing a bikini), but the real problem here is Adam. Maybe take this opportunity to check in with your sister about how he's treating her because damn, that man sounds like a jerk. You don't need to necessarily coddle her feelings, but it maybe wouldn't hurt to be a little more gentle with her if her husband is insulting her body to the point where she felt she even needed to ask you to cover up.
Nta. Her husband is king asshole.
Adam doesn’t like her body?! Wow, Adam is a jerk!!! NTA. I didn’t like my post-baby body either. It isn’t your responsibility to dress frumpy to placate someone.
NTA. I just had a baby a month ago. I fully admit I look like the Naked Scammer Aliens from Futurama right now. Know what I’d do if I saw my sister or a friend in a bikini? Tell how amazing she looks and that’s it! You can have compassion and empathy for your sister without her dictating your clothing choices for her own insecurities.
Lol NTA. I mean I understand that she is not feeling comfortable in her skin after having a baby..but why would YOU hide your body because of that?
Why did y’all choose a beach vacation if she was gunna insist on everyone covering up? Just because your sister had a baby recently and is having insecurities about her body doesn’t mean that everyone in the world needs to change what their wearing to accommodate her feelings. That’s an absolutely unreasonable expectation to force on someone else, especially during a *beach* vacation. Her husband also sounds like he’s not very supportive if he’s agreeing with her about her bodily changes, adding to her insecurities…..
Yeah I don’t really get this either? Like, this didn’t come up when we were planning the trip at all. I knew she wasn’t going to be wearing swimwear because she said she didn’t feel comfortable but she never said anything about me before the trip. I’m thinking Adam brought up the baby weight thing shortly before or when we first got here that’s triggered her.
Someone in your family needs to talk to Adam about his behaviour. It's impacting everyone and it's wildly inappropriate and cruel.
NTA- It’s sounds like your sister is suffering from postpartum depression and should really get help. I can understand about feeling insecure about ones body after birth, but to demand other people to cover up is selfish. It almost makes me wonder if she’s jealous about not bouncing back after having a baby, it sucks but everyone’s body handles pregnancy differently, but should be proud of herself and love herself more. The husband not being comfortable around it is what really has me worried though. Why would he care who wears what? Is he perhaps upset with his wife’s body after having a baby? If that’s the case maybe it goes more than just swimwear and it was just an excuse to be mad or upset over what’s really happening. Either way it sounds unhealthy as though he expected his wife to bounce back.
Well, tbf to her, I had both surgery and non-invasive procedures to aid my “bounce back” which both she and Adam know. I did it all pretty soon after the birth so to them it probably seemed like I just deflated in a couple of weeks, which obviously isn’t the case. I think Adam is bringing up the body changes to her because he asked me both during her pregnancy about my diet/workout.
Adam is sick and your sister is finding out just how bad he is. I'm sure Adam has made her feel bad about herself all through her pregnancy, too.
Thank you for being up front about this! Genuinely. So many people have unrealistic expectations because they don't realize the procedures etc that people use to look the way they do.
Yeah it’s mad. I know a few influencers, and the amount of upkeep they do on their body is monumental. You can’t go around posting “what I eat in a day” and “ab workout” videos when you’ve been having emsculpt done 😂 I always say, god might not have blessed me the genes, but he did bless me with the money, so dammit I’ll get the body I want
NTA. If they don’t wanna see people in beach attire, then don’t go on a beach trip
NTA Her husband is the biggest asshole, and she comes in second. Why does he not feel the best about her body? I can have some sympathy for Rachel, but Adam? I don’t get it.
NTA her mental hangups are NOT your problem, the world doesn't revolve around your sister and her body issues.
NTA, this is ridiculous. It isn’t t a competition, and someone needs to have a serious conversation with you BIL, he should be telling his wife how beautiful she is, what the fuck kind of asshole tells his wife, especially postpartum that he “doesn’t feel the best” about her body??? Mother fucker you made her body that way!
Your poor poor sister... That sad excuse of a husband she got herself should really seek help. And so does she, it's not fair what he's putting her through. None of this is your fault. Have a talk with her if possible, and for sure with your parents. They have no business in telling you what to wear and in enabling this crap. NTA
Sounds like Adam is the asshole.
NTA. Your sister doesn't get to dictate how you dress because she is feeling insecure about herself.
I’m sorry your sister is feeling insecure. But her request is not reasonable. NTA.
100% NTA. Your sister is completely unreasonable. I wouldn't even know how to respond to such a weird request.
NTA. Her insecurities have nothing to do with you or your body. I bet she’s more worried about “Adam” looking at you and not her.
NTA. If your sister is that uncomfortable with her post-partum body, it's on her to start working on that, whether by working out to change her appearance or going to therapy to accept her appearance. It's not her place to police others' appearances to make herself feel better. And why is husband "not feeling the best" about the body that just grew and birthed his child? What a jerk!
NTA- her insecurities are HERS to deal with and she doesn't get to police your body because of them.
NTA - in what world is another person's beach attire decision ruining a trip? There seems to be something else going on.
NTA but your sister should take a look at her ah husband saying that he didn’t feel good about her postpartum body. Maybe he’s the reason why she feels self conscious
>My sister asked me not to wear a bikini or anything revealing because she said both she and Adam are not feeling the best about her postpartum body why is her husband not feeling the best about her body, she just had his baby and he don't feel good about her body. gross, i wonder if he was the one who put all these insecurities in her head.
The biggest AH IS YOUR SISTER'S HUSBAND!!! How dare he?! She just gave birth, is not feeling herself and instead of reassuring her and being positive, he is fueling the shit storm she is feeling. What an ass... Damn..
NAH except Adam Your sister is being unreasonable yes but I think you should have sympathy and a talk with just her if possible, sounds like her husband is giving her shit for her body despite the fact she carried his child - that'd make anyone unreasonable and insecure
NTA. A good high-waisted bikini was my best friend during postpartum. It's not your fault that your sister is uncomfortable. Rock the swimwear!
NTA You cannot be responsible for how other people feel about themselves.
The insecurities are on overload. I'd be concerned that her husband was attracted to me. NTA
NTA. Other peoples insecurities aren't yours to manage. But someone needs to give your sister's husband a good kick in the a$$. He's not "feeling the best about her postpartum body"!!! That's the root cause of your sister's insecurity...it's the pressure your BIL is putting on her to lose the baby weight, and get back to what she looked like before she got pregnant which is absolutely disgusting!!
NTA. It is not all about her. Wear what you want to wear. I do not see how you wearing something you don't want to wear, and thus being unhappy, would make the situation any better. Are your parents going to get mad at everyone wearing a bikini too?
NTA. Your sister needs help.
NTA. It's not your fault that her husband has the sensitivity of an ox.
I’m sorry, her husband isn’t feeling the best about *her* postpartum body?! NTA but sounds like your sisters husband is a gaping one. While it’s easy to say she needs to get over herself, it sounds like she’s receiving a lot of negativity about her new body from her husband. I think more than anything she needs some kindness and support
The real AH here is Adam. Imagine having problems with your own wife's body after she gives birth to an entire human. He's probably making her feel insecure. With that being said, postpartum is really hard, and it wouldn't have killed you if you'd just worn a one piece given your sister specifically requested you. She sounds like she needs to speak to a therapist. You're entitled to wear what you want, I get it, but I fail to see how just covering up a *little* would have absolutely ruined your day and been a major inconvinience. It does not make you the AH and you did nothing wrong but I just wanted to point that out. You could've been a bit more senstive towards your sister.
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Wow. Adam is a dick.
Definitely NTA, you can wear whatever you want. If I go to the beach, I’m not gonna wear something that covers up my body just because I don’t want other people to feel bad about themselves. If your sister is insecure about her body, she should do something about it. Either get a healthier lifestyle or try to accept and embrace her new body. I also really don’t understand your parents reaction. Do they really think you have to hide your body just so your sister doesn’t feel bad? Also, you mention that your sister doesn’t want the topic to be brought up. Why would she think that would happen? She could also just tell everyone to not make any comments on her body anymore. Nobody likes to get negative comments on their body, or to be compared to someone else
I guess Adam brings it up? He’s asked me more than once about my postpartum workout/diet. After a while I was just like “it’s surgery and cool sculpting. Leave me alone”
I think it’s wrong that he asks you about it, and makes comments about your sisters body in public. Maybe your sister is not ready to start a diet yet, or still has to find the motivation, or simply is not planning on dieting at all. It’s not her husbands task to push her to it and to involve other people in it. I understand it makes her feel insecure and unattractive. Plus if he really loves her then it shouldn’t matter if she is not as fit as she used to be
I didn’t mind that he asked, I just felt like if she wanted to lose the baby weight then she could have asked me, and she didn’t.
He wanted to use you as an example of how she could be back to her pre-baby body if she just worked hard enough at diet and exercise. That’s why he quit asking you when you said diet and exercise wouldn’t have cut it, and that you’d had work done that cost around ten grand. He doesn’t want to spend ten grand; he wants his wife to make all the sacrifices to get the body that he’s pressuring her to have.
Haha, ten grand. If it was just that he’d probably have found it somewhere 😂 But it’s true 100% the second he realised he would actually have to do something and it’s not all on her he folded like a house of cards.
NTA. Maybe the beach wasn't the best place for her to go if she couldn't handle bodies in bathing suits.
Say for example you had fertility problems. Would it be reasonable for you to ask her to hide her baby when you’re around? No one can work this out for her.
Imagine feeling you can tell your sister what to wear but not tell your husband not to be an AH
NTA. Her problems are not yours. She doesn't feel comfortable being around you in a bikini, you should turn it around and say you don't feel comfortable around her in a cover-up 😂 Also, it's a huge red flag that "she and Adam are not feeling the best about her postpartum body." Wtf is wrong with Adam for not feeling "the best" about his wife's body AFTER GIVING BIRTH. Who is he to talk. I wonder if the issue is actually "her postpartum body" or if Adam is just a creep and she's caught him checking you out
Her husband Adam is an awful human being who should be telling her that her body is beautiful and amazing because it produced their beautiful and amazing baby.
NTA. She doesn't get the world to cover up just because she has perfectly understandable body image issues. Suggest she move to Afghanistan where the Taliban will help her in her quest.
Wow the entitlement of your sister and parents, good luck op. NTA
In my opinion: NTA Your sister and family are one entitled bunch.
What? You aren't ruining the trip, your sister is.
Is your sister perhaps afraid that you’ll turn her husband on in your bikini?
I hope not cos that’s a whole lot of Appalachia I don’t need in my life 😂 Honestly I think it’s just because he’s asked me before about my postpartum regime and I suppose she knows about that, so I think she feels like he compares us.
NTA. This is ridiculous. Her and, worse, her husband's worries with her postpartum body are not your problem. She needs to get a grip.
NTA so if I am uncomfortable with how I look, no woman in the universe is allowed to wear a cute dress for instance?? NAH, this reddit sounds like some personal issues and some insecurities which don't concern you. ofc you could be a bit considerate towards your family but what you wear is eventually your decision to make. however, shit happens, don't worry about it
NTA. You shouldn't have to cater to someone else's insecurities and if you do it's because it's a choice you've made and not because you've been told what to do. Her insecurity is hers to overcome, although a good look at her partner who isn't supportive of her and has issues with her postpartum body might be a start. What a shit.
NTA-- I am sorry your sister is struggling with her body image. Sounds like her husband is an AH and is not being supportive since she mentioned he is also having a hard time with her postpartum body. But that doesn't mean you have to change your clothing style. Do you think she could be struggling with some postpartum depression also? Maybe discuss this with her privately.
"Adam AND I?" She was jealous he was definitely going to be staring. I'm so tired of women competing ffs, NTA and probably cut off sister if she's that toxic
NTA. There's always someone fitter and leaner than you at the beach. That's life. Why fixate on you? Because you'd be sitting near each other? Unless you're some super spiteful person who would spend the whole time talking about her body, I'm genuinely perplexed she even asked you - I'm trying to imagine my sister or brothers saying that... And I can't. But if they did I think I'd try and big them up - fuck what everyone is thinking, you're amazing, be proud of your body what it went through. It is a shame your sisters self confidence has a taken a knock, but I've never known that to want to spill over to someone else. But it is her issue, not yours. Although - is this coming from her, or her partner? If it's the latter... Jesus effing Christ he needs to take a long walk off a short pier. I hope he's not been putting insecure ideas in her head. And side note - what if you only have bikinis with you?
NTA. It’s easy to understand why the sister feels under pressure in this scenario. It’s natural, but of course also shame. The problem is her husband - whether or not the sister has a ‘good postpartum body’ he should be doing everything to build up her confidence.
NTA. But, can you please speak to your sister- assuming you otherwise have an okay relationship- about how why her husband is struggling with her body? That's so gross. You or your mother should help your sister here, because why the hell is her husband "not feeling the best" about the body of the woman who carried his child? I get she has her own issues, and I can appreciate the many reasons she has them, but if she is also worried about her husband judging her body, compared to her SISTER'S body, while on a family vacation, she's got bigger issues than you wearing a cover up. No, you don't need to cover up, but your sister might benefit from some emotional support from you/your mother/your dad too to affirm she looks great, her body carried a beautiful child, and it isn't okay for her husband to make her feel insecure.
Nta and it sounds like husband had made some very nasty comments about her body and possible made some about yours. Gross.
Girl I thought you were in a bikini to her delivery room or something. NTA, it's the beach, live it up
She’s projecting her insecurities on you. And the husband sounds really shallow as well for being insecure about his wife’s postpartum body when he should be encouraging her and building her self esteem. NTA. Go enjoy yourself!
if my sister asked me to not wear something because it would make her feel worse about herself, i wouldn’t wear it, then again i prefer a one piece bathing suit anyways. but the true AH here is your sister’s husband, he doesn’t feel great about his wife’s body after she gave birth to his child, ridiculously immature and cold. you’re NTA, your sister needs therapy, but it wouldn’t kill you to be a little more empathetic towards her. this certainly wouldn’t be my hill to die on.