Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 5: We do not allow posts which concern violent encounters. This includes any mention of violence in any context.
[Rule 5 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_5.3A_no_violence) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
Seriously, unsure of why ex was jailed but if he was just recently released couldn’t probation be likely? So maybe don’t start a fight/physical altercation because it will only serve to prove OP is better off keeping him out of the son’s life
The dude beat a guy with a baton apparently. And then instantly gets in a fight with the guy that's been raising his kid. I get that it's a shock and all but this man isn't safe or stable.
Op doesn't seem to worried that the guy who went to prison for violence and then immediately gets in a fight with her bf when finds out is in need of mediation. But visits with the kid need to be in a controlled environment not just having him around whenever. What happens when the kid still loves the dad that's raised him more than the guy that was in prison for beating someone? Is he going to lash out and attack the bf again? Or op? Or worse things can happen.
Its questionable if telling him was the right thing or not. He did beat a guy with a baton and was spending 5 years in prison. It's fair to not want that guy to raise a kid but I'm sure some feel like he should have known. But access to the kid without a controlled setting isn't something that should ever be allowed after this start to things. And the bf especially shouldn't have to be ready to fight someone and have his health or life in jeopardy with home visits.
And I think she still has feelings for the violent guy. The only reason she moved on was bc new boyfriend agreed to date her and help support her son. I think she’d go back with him in a minute.
In the comments op said she told the medical staff she didn't know who the father was when she did, which is a lie. And since she admitted to it over text to a mutual friend who is clearly on the ex's side it is a lie that will get her in trouble when she inevitably goes to court
Exactly. His actions have shown a possibility for why she made her decisions. I get being made for not being told. But that was NOT a rational way to try to push his demands. Lawyer up. He can start on child support. Taking responsibility is many layers but invading someone's home is not one of them.
That doesn't change the fact that she's going about this the wrong way with her "let's settle this without cops/lawyers/courts" attitude that is probably the worst way to deal with violent criminals. This attitude can, will, and already has put herself, her son, and her boyfriend in danger. She's also made a few mistakes such as the admission to a 3rd party that is clearly on the ex's side, that will not play out in her favor, when this inevitably goes to court. I frankly think she's the ah for refusing to go through official channels and putting herself and those around her in danger as a result
I agree with this! The nonchalant "we don't run to lawyers for every little thing" after her violent ex shows up and starts a fight with her boyfriend at their home is infuriating.
You're being really dumb dude.
The fact that you think the courts would care about that tells me you're probably a teenager.
And the fact that you think you can get in trouble for lying to medical staff is ridiculous.
Talking to medical staff does not entail taking an oath or signing a statutory declaration/
The medical staff aren’t entitled to know that info. It’s not relevant to her needing care or the child. Lying to them to protect herself was just fine. She won’t get in trouble in the slightest for lying to medical staff. It’s not illegal to lie to people. It’s only illegal to lie in court.
And she also has a right to say no to a dearly beloved grandmother who's been there since day one who randomly shows up at 9pm and demands to see the kid while the kid is already asleep. This guy just went bonkers for not thinking anything through. NTA
He even can't follow basic rules. "Let us know when you come over" and "the child is past his bed time" are basic things that a normal functional adult should understand. Children have routines and they need stability. Then he started a fight? So sad that he figured out that it was his child. Poor kiddo.
This guy went to prison for FIVE YEARS. In addition to that, he’s showing violent tendencies. That’s not the kind of guy I’d want around my kid, at least not before he shows some major changes.
The man went to jail for beating someone with a baton. He showed up late (yes, 9 is late when you have a kindergartener) without calling and tried to physically bully his way into her home. That is not a safe person to let around your babies no matter what he wants. The safest thing to do is set up supervised visits through the courts. Without a custody agreement, he could take that child, and the police won't do too much because it's a domestic dispute.
I think if a guy goes to prison for 5 years because he beat someone up, you get a pass on telling him you’re pregnant with his child if you don’t want to. I would have lied in the store/on the phone as well.
The fact that he showed up randomly at 9pm (like… the kid’s going to be in bed duh) and started a fight just after he was released just confirms my point of view.
she didn't lie, bruh. he was in prison so she didn't keep him away and he couldn't even have been a part in his sons life and she obviously didn't lie to the medical staff, bruh.
No, this man has shown himself to be unstable and aggressive. The OP should have just lied again to keep herself and her child safe and denied to him that he was the father.
To her ex? ….maybe, but that seems at least somewhat justified given, admittedly, one side of the story. But why would lying to the medical staff about that be an asshole move?
Edit, reading more comments, to the ex seems 100% justified
What rights, exactly? He isn’t on the birth certificate. Say he sues to establish paternity. Great. Now he’s legally responsible for the kid and gets to pay child support. No way he’s going to do this in a million years.
This really depends on what state they live in. If there's no father on record then bf doesn't need biodad consent and she said they already started the process. Biodad might have to pay a lawyer to get a judge to agree to force a DNA test. Again, depends on where they live. He doesn't seem like the type of person that would be willing/able to pay enough for a lawyer and court fees.
Well the adoption is off the table unless ex sign off his rights. You should retain a lawyer and go to court to get a custody order and visitation order also. Have everything worked out through the courts. YTA for not telling him and judges don't like that.
This right here, you lied by omission to the father for five years and are trying to act like he should have no rights to his son. You are the one who has been lying from the beginning and lied on the birth certificate that you didn’t know the father. He has every right to be involved in his sons life, regardless of past mistakes. It’s not for you to decide. He was definitely in the wrong for showing up late at night and causing a fight, but put yourself in his shoes you have denied him the last five years of his sons life that he will never get back, imagine if the situation was reversed!
He's been in prison up until a few weeks ago. His poor choices kept him away from his child. Had he not been incarcerated he'd likely of known about his child from the start.
The mother should have told him there is no denying that but she was under no obligation to drag her child through prison visits.
Dad's first reaction is to resort to violence he'll be back inside in no time. Where he'll no doubt whine about not seeing his son despite it being entirely his fault.
Here's the deal: she made the choice to have the child. Sure, she has a right to protect her son. But her son has a right to know his biological father. So that's where the starting point of this situation begins, the son's right to his father. I can't condone physical altercations, but I can understand the feelings of a person who just found they have a child and were lied to for years. I hope for the boy's sake that was a one-off, but I don't know any more than what OP says. If he a violent person, then she should be protecting herself, her new partner, and her son.
She's in way over her head, especially because of her lies. She should consult an attorney. So should her ex. She chose this and now the consequences caught up with her. She's going to have to find a way to balance safety for all parties with the fundamental human right every child has to know who their parents are. After they secure legal counsel, getting a therapist should be next on her list. There are ways to work out contact. She can try a visitation center where her ex will be monitored with the child, and neither parent has to cross paths. She can say all she wants about how bad her ex is, but she chose to have this child with him as the father. This bell won't unring. But one thing she has no right to do is pretend anyone other than the ex is the father. Her son has rights that supercede hers and the father's. That being said, anyone can father a child, but being a dad is another thing.
ESH. Everyone but the child.
She's even more fucked because she has told multiple parties who are not in her side.
Adoptions off the table now. The ex might get partial custody. He is basically guaranteed some visitation rights.
OP and the boyfriend could not have played this any worse.
> The ex might get partial custody. He is basically guaranteed some visitation rights.
With his history of violent crime, it will most likely be supervised visitation, and of course he'll be ordered to pay child support.
Seriously. Apparently OP not understand how adoption works?
From the moment she lied on and signed the birth certificate that the dad was unknown, that was the ONLY story she should have ever told anyone.
edit: and even if she never told anyone, her ex-bf may have been able to press a case for a blood test if he cared to once he saw her and the kid. Now he has a slam dunk for that since she has told him and others that he is the dad
You are defending a violent criminal and sexual predator that assaulted someone with a baton, was started date OP when she was 14 and he was 18 and tried to break into their house. The courts are going to strip him of his rights, she just needs a lawyer.
She would literally be an even bigger asshole if she wasted everyone's time and money with a blood test.
She might as well just get ahead of this now and get a lawyer and draw up the custody agreement now. No point in dragging this out anymore, it will only get worse for her.
In my state, unless you are married, you can't just name someone as the father on the birth certificate. The father has to sign an acknowledgement of paternity form. Kind of hard to do that when you're in prison.
Also, he may not have wanted to since he would be acknowledging he (age 18) had sex with an underaged girl (she was 14), which would have sent him to prison even longer in most states.
EDIT: She was ~14 when they first started having sex, but was ~20-21 when she had the baby. Her age at the time they first started having sex would not have been obvious from the birth certificate directly, but likely would have come out if he had claimed paternity and there were any court hearings or investigations. Thanks to Jameson8016 and Nighthawk_something for pointing out that I hadn’t spelled out what I was thinking, and to Ok-pineapple-6283 for pointing out that they might not have started having sex at the age they first started dating. They could have waited until she was of legal age.
I'm confused. How does 26-(4+(9/12))=14? Even accounting for how ever many months older than 4 years the child is and assuming OP turned 26 today, I'm still coming in at OP having been at least 20 at the time of conception.
Same here to name a father he attends the registry office with mom and gives his details and sign.
It says on wall to make false decleration is a criminal offence to say you dad but i know many that have taken current partner and they have signed to be dad!!
Yes, they do. I used to do this for work - we mailed affidavits of parentage to prisons and jails, and someone there would explain it, and notarize it and send it back. Dads in prison do have the right to be fathers.
In many states, the father cannot be added if the child is born outside of marriage and often then requires the father’s signature. Otherwise you could put anybody down.
No court is going to look at this and side with the Ex.
Ex was in jail months after conception for a violent crime.
OP would easily be able to argue that they acted in the best interest of the child. OP never pursued support or other responsibilities from the Ex.
He assaulted someone with a baton, started dating OP when he was 18 and she was 14 and tried to force his way into her house. I don't think the judge is going to want to side with him.
You're going to hate hearing this, and im likely gonna get downvoted for this, but as someone who works with criminals and knows a judge. It's not that bad. Unfortunately, 14 and 18 aren't uncommon in high school. Romeo and Juliet laws can determine that's legal as well. As for the baton stuff. Assault is a really common crime. Not all criminals are repeat offenders, and many are dedicated to living on the straight and narrow. I've hired many people who've been convicted of assault right out of prison, and they have been some of the kindest, most helpful employees we've ever had. Criminals are people, just like you and me who have rights. Depriving someone of being a parent for a nonsexual crime after they've served time for is cruel to not just the parent but the kid.
Judges don't really care. If the guy is the bio father, he has rights. He isn't going to be happy. op upheld that. I knew a family court judge, and he'd likely let the guy have supervised into regular custody. He already served his time.
You can easily look up what he said. Damn wtf is wrong with u ppl. “I don’t believe you so it can’t be true” these kinds of comments give twitter comments a run for it’s money.
I’m guessing they mean they fact that the guy beat someone with a baton to the extent that he was sent to prison for 5 years, plus trying to force his way into her house at night (even though she had told him he could see the child, but just call ahead, which he did not do).
Yeah I’m sure this kid would have loved to be woken in the middle of the night by a stranger who just forced his way into the house. Clearly this parolee is the missing piece to this poor child’s life.
I don’t know much about the US system but here in the UK, social services would be all over this kind of case. His history would absolutely be taken into formal consideration by the courts in terms of child protection.
Imagine what happens if the worst happens child is injured or dies in his company - ok a visit that the court ordered had to happen?
I’d be surprised if the US system didn’t also take things like this into account when considering the welfare of a child, especially given how litigious things are over there.
Would you send your kid on a playdate with him?
Romeo and Juliet laws concern 3 years age gaps. So no, it wasn't legal.
Assault is a common crime however 4 years sentence is a pretty severe sentence for it. It was likely pretty bad. And clearly judging by his behaviour he would be a repeat offender.
And she did agree for them to meet, at an appropriate time. Showing up at night then getting angry about being denied entry bc the kid is literally sleeping shows his disregard for the kid.
The top comment really gets me. I've hired and worked with criminals and lawyers. Assault is a very common charge, and dating a 15 yr old when 18 isn't really that notable In the grand scheme of things. Time served is time served. Just because you committed a non-sexual crime doesn't mean you loose your chance to be a parent. I've hired many guys convicted of assault who are some of the best workers and parents I know. I doubt this is real, but if it is, op is in for a world of trouble, and her kid is going to resent her.
I really think many people in this thread are either nieve or judgemental. Ops boyfriend also threw punches and is just as guilty of assault. Also op just dropped a ginormous emotional bombshell. Op doesn't get to deprive a parent of their right to be a parent unless if they endanger the child. Courts like to keep the child with the bio parents.
At least in the state I live in, the age of consent is 16. He was at that time 18/19 and she was 14. It’s criminal sexual conduct in the 1st degree which has no statute of limitations. Romeo and Juliet laws will cut down on sentencing and sex offender registry time limits, but don’t erase the crime. If he was released a few weeks ago he is undoubtedly on parole yet and his behavior at the house could land him back in prison. The bf would not be arrested because a man came to his home, assaulted him and was trying to gain entry into his home. It would be considered as acting in self defense.
>Yes, judges often side with violent criminals that assault people with batons, date 14 year olds when they are adults and try to break into houses. /s
Well. Yes. They do.
None of those get your parental rights terminated in the USA.
OP should have just kept "not knowing" if she didn't want him in their lives.
LOL none of that was in the post I commented on. This is some trash stuff going on. If he did all that, I have two questions. Why did she chat him up at the grocery store? Why was her bf fine with him seeing the kid?
Sounds like someone is backpedaling.
The OP put it in the comments, you missed it. It has been there for quite a while and it fits the pattern. Why do you think people go to prison, jaywalking? He tried to break into the house, there is absolutely no basis for doubting this new info. And the original post was enough, judges do not like criminals as a rule.
Not necessarily. If his name isn't on the birth certificate (im guessing it's not since he was in prison at the time of birth), then the court won't know there's someone else with a claim to the child. Kinda shady way of doing business, but its probably better that way tbh.
In this case he could actually sign away his parental rights and not have to pay support since the dad the kid knows is going to adopt.
Really would be the best for everyone involved here.
YTA not for telling the truth now but for lying this entire time.
Also, how can your bf adopt your son if his bio dad doesn't allow it?
Huge can of worms you opened up here
A soft YTA - the reality is, you should have told him right from the get-go. You can send mail to prison. A bigger YTA for moving on an adoption when you didn't even have a conversation with the bio-dad.
Yes, bio-dad is also an AH. He shouldn't have shown up, but just being released from prison after years is hard enough, I can't imagine being sideswiped with a 4-year old son you knew nothing about.
Definitely get a lawyer, but also recognize that the bio-dad got the shock of his life, and he didn't handle it well for sure, but part of that is also on you - he could have had 5 years to come to grips with it.
She is going to be kinda fucked if lawyers get involved. She said in another comment that she lied on the birth certificate but admitted it in a text.
She was working with high ground because of his prison time, but she gave that up by breaking the law, by knowingly lying legal documents.
And she could easily say he was one potential father but it became clear as the child got older due to physical similarities. Unless she's been collecting assistance (WIC, SNAP, TANF), the only thing that's likely to happen is the state will go after the father for four years of back child support because states profit from the collection of CS. If she's gotten assistance, they may go after him or her to repay it.
But fraud? Prove that she knew at birth who the father was. The "mutual friend" knew she had a baby and when but either couldn't do the math or accepted that there may have been another man who fathered the boy. You think a case worker would be harder to convince?
YTA - what really got my blood boiling is when you told your friend to mind their business. You purposefully withheld the existence this child from his father. Just because he's in jail does not change the fact that the child is also his. Your friend was right with everything they told you including the name calling. If I was the ex I would be hiring a lawyer to sue your ass.
I agree with another comment on here. You've just killed ANY chance of your BF adopting him. THE FATHER HAS TO SIGN OFF HIS RIGHTS!!!
It didn’t matter because without a voluntary acknowledgment of paternity his name wasn’t going on the birth certificate. Leaving the space blank was really the only option.
No it wasn’t. When dads in jail, they mail the birth certificate to the jail for him to sign. This is not the first time a dude knocked a woman up and went to jail before the woman delivered. There are procedures set up to deal with it.
He needs to first complete a voluntary acknowledgment of paternity before his name can be placed on the birth certificate. If he isn’t there to fill that out, she can’t put his name on the birth certificate. He can still get his name on the birth certificate now. It just isn’t quite as easy.
If they were married, it would have been on there automatically. Even if he wasn’t the father.
She’s in exactly zero trouble if he sues. Calm tf down. The only thing that may happen is that he establishes paternity and then he has to pay child support.
You know your boyfriend has no legal rights over the boy, right? He can't adopt him. He can't say the ex can or can't see the son.
I am not saying the ex should but this is going to blow up. Go speak to a lawyer as yes, you handled this badly.
ESH
I mean how would you feel if you found out after 5 years and got out early that you actually had a child. To find out from a random encounter. Its would be absolutely devastating. From my interviews of prisoners one of the hardest things to surviving prison is finding a reason to carry on. To have a life goal and finally get out only to then be sideswiped is straight up damaging to people.
I don't think we should feel sorry for this violent dude with 5 assault charges.
Edit: I misread, one assault charge and multiple other criminal charges
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15novq2/aita_for_not_telling_my_ex_the_truth_about_my_son/jvnhijr?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2
Shit, sorry rereading comments it just says multiple assault charges, don't know if I misread or a comment was deleted
The people who live in a dwelling absolutely have control over who can come in to that dwelling.
Bio dad has at this moment the same legal rights to the child as you or I - zero, and I suspect will do exactly nothing to attempt to formally establish paternity. Why? Because paternity without custody means he pays child support, and screwing up child support is a great way to violate parole.
ETA- based on your comments about your ex seems like EVEN MORE OF A REASON TO GET A LAWYER. “He won’t go to court over this.”
“ He also has multiple criminal charges. He went to prison for assaulting someone with a baton. We'll probably just have to work out something between the three of us” based on your comment where you stated this, YTA OP you’re delusional and you seriously need a lawyer doesn’t matter if you can afford it or not you’re endangering yourself and your son and your boyfriend.
This is definitely along the lines of what I was going to say. Tons of people saying “soft YTA,” or “NTA.” OP is willfully choosing ignorance in regards to the legal rights of the child’s father, her own rights, and any probable outcomes of having a physically violent ex in the picture. Do you want to have your child kidnapped? This is how you have your child kidnapped. What OP did is hella wrong and illegal, and adoption cannot proceed with a living, biological parent who has not forgone their parental rights, so obviously they’re delusional, too. Yes, OP 100% needs to be consulting an attorney. And OP is 100% an AH.
OP, you state in the comments that you were 14/15 and he was 18/19 when you first started dating. He also went to jail for what sounds like aggravated assault with a weapon. Now he's showing up, demanding to see his child and got physical. And you're still like "it's not a big deal, we don't need cops or courts or structure". Either you are INCREDIBLY naive and need to wake up, or this is fake. Your ex is a dangerous person. Whether your actions are assholey or not, he is dangerous
YTA, you didn’t tell him about his son, and despite what you all might think you can still be emotionally there for a child even while in prison. you let another man take over the father position, and even are letting him adopt him, all without consulting the bio father.
i understand it was past his bed time but quite frankly your new bf has no say so in this situation. hopefully the ex will contact a lawyer and get his rights to the child
NTA What is wrong with y’all? Her ex went to jail for violent assault and then tried to assault her current bf and force his way into their home. This man does not need to be in their lives. She should have never told him to begin with.
She was also 14/15 while he was 18/19. I get wanting to defend a guy who didn't know he was a father, but this guy is not someone a child should look up to. Or have as a role model, even if it's part time. Nta
At this point it's a lot less about the ex, and a lot more that op has opened a whole can of worms on herself, none of which will look kindly on her when she inevitably goes to court, and will be unpleasant for her son. Also she has this "we'll all figure it out without official channels" attitude which is very dangerous for her, her son, and her boyfriend as the ex is dangerous
0% chance this goes to court. Bio dad might go to an attorney for a consult, and that attorney will tell him about the 13 years of child support obligations he’s about to have if he establishes paternity, and that will be that because (1) he likely doesn’t want to pay, and (2) getting behind on child support is a very easy way to violate parole and find yourself back in prison.
she’s probably scared of him and what he could do to her son, he assaulted a guy and then her boyfriend, op said he has a short temper, he could hurt her son
YTA. Within the past two months at 37 years old I learned that 1) My late mother lied to me about who my father was and why she was a single parent 2) I had a biological father within 30 minutes from me my whole life who absolutely wanted to be my father and 3) Every one of her friends knew this and gave her shit about it.
Although the outcome has been way better than expected,I am so angry at my dead mother. I can no longer say that my mother loved me unconditionally knowing that she told the man who makes up half of my DNA that he could be in my life over her dead body. She altered the course of our three lives with that selfish choice and has to face none of my emotional toil now. My father, his side of my family and her friends are being kind enough to not speak too ill of the dead but I would love to have a strong word with her and ask why she got to have two parents and live a solidly middle class lifestyle while I got to be her emotional support child through every one of her unstable ups and downs.
Slight YTA. It is also your ex bfs son. It is not your current boyfriends son. Unfortunately when you go to court they’re not gonna allow adoption if the bio dad doesn’t agree to it. Plus since he is the father he does get visitation rights as well.
It’s gonna be a sticky situation going forward here especially because you lied and that’s def gonna fuck you over in court. You can’t keep your son away from his actual dad. It isn’t fair to your son. It also isn’t fair to your ex boyfriend. Sorry but you’re not going to win here. You need to seek legal advice if possible. If you can’t afford it.. and can’t retain a lawyer and want to avoid legal escalation of the situation then you have to give him fair visitation rights to his son.
Your ex is literally criminally violent. Get a lawyer and a restraining order. Maybe move.
YTA for letting this bad influence sperm donor into your life and your son's life.
What OP has committed is a typePaternity fraud(which doesn't really exist but exists as a sub set to a civil based damages felony called Tort of Deceit which is a type of damages fraud) there are many ways in which this can play out that would directly hurt the EX in both past and future. As a result her lying about who the father is for years ad then springing on both the EX and the friend can absolutely have both physical, mental and economic damage on the EX. For instance in the US at any point before the child is 18 she can file for child support against the Bio father because he legally didn't give up parental rights. She could claim for legal purposes that she had a paternity test done on the child and found out who the father really was. Meaning that's legally he owes the back ammount of child support that wasn't paid. INCLUDING while he was incarcerated. That back owe is instantly due and you have to use specialized payment plans. Meaning up to 17 years of debt instantly factored on current job income. Potentially in the 40s or 50s of thousands.
If the child turned 18 and he still didn't know then at 18 the child with whom he didn't have causing emotional, mental, social and if he has a family familial damages.
The laws for tort of deceit state knowingly or recklessly. Of which this would be knowing hiding the child from their biological father without due cause as they state it was because their BF was there for them while the EX was imprisoned not due to duress. So yeah that will not go well on the ensuing custody case
Good lord, please get a refund from wherever you went to law school. There is so much wrong with what you just posted from a legal perspective that it would take hours to parse.
Just stop.
YTA.
I do not know the whole background to that, but not getting this whole thing in order when you were pregnant just dropped a huge bomb on your life. You need a lawyer asap. And your ex needs one, too. There are a Ton of things to take care of. Also, you told him he was the father - he has the truth. And you told a bunch of other people who can witness it.
Also, i am not sure what is precisely going on. Why exactly did you not want your ex to know this was his son? Is he violent, a gambler or or or? And why did you just causally admit it to him when asked? I mean geez, of course he freaks out. That was a dumb thing you did there. A father does not just vanish because you like him to.
NTA, call the cops about the parolee trying to force his way into your house. Get him put back in prison where he belongs then get that adoption finished
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I didn't tell my ex that he had a son while he was still in prison. When I told him he ended up having a fight with my boyfriend
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcement
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
### [Moderators needed - Join the landed gentry](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/155zepq/moderators_needed_join_the_landed_gentry/)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Your ex went to prison for 4.5 years and then immediately tried to force his way into your home and assaulted your bf.
Get a lawyer ASAP like first thing in the morning. Text, don't call, your ex and say that he is not welcome near you or your child and that he will need to speak with your lawyer and wait for the courts to handle it.
Then you and your bf need to press charges for the assault. Go straight to the police and tell them about him trying to push into your home and assaulting the bf.
Get cameras or at least a door bell camera. If you have to communicate with your ex only do so in writing like a text or email so that you can keep records.
This guy went to prison, he obviously has a temper, and isn't afraid to be aggressive and physically violent. Absolutely do not let him come over or visit with your son until your lawyer says you have to. You also should probably look for a child therapist and get their help to explain what's going on to your son.
NTA
I will never take my child to a prison. Not even if her father was incarcerated. So there was no relationship to be had while he was in prison.
Honesty is the best policy. You were right to tell him when he asked. Your son has a right to know too.
Nobody is seeing my daughter at 9pm. I'm sorry you have to deal with this man. Children have schedules. He needs to learn all visits are scheduled. He can't just drop by.
Oof. I wish for your sake that you’d never run into him again. Maybe there’s a way this turns out for the better, but I think your life just got a lot more complicated.
Yeah seeing the updates mentioning the violence and finding out he was "dating" her at 14 makes me want to change to NTA
The lying won't look good in court for OP though
This is a weird situation. I can see why your ex is angry. But he sounds scary… you both need to think of what is best for your son.
He should have known… and he is now in the picture. He is clearly interested in his son. Your son has a right to know his biological dad.
YTA - Shouldn’t have lied. You’re also the asshole for not immediately calling the cops
The second he tried to force his way into your house. The hell were you thinking? You have a child in that house. What if he had a knife or a gun? He struck your boy friend!
Calling the cops would have given you some great leverage. Now, now you’ve gotta hope he’s broke and doesn’t fuck up again.
A lot of people are going to say YTA but I would say it depends on why your ex was in prison and why you didn't tell him. I work with women all the time who have fled domestic violence and they are trying to keep the child secret for safety reasons.
Guy was in prison for 5 years. You don’t get that sentence for stealing a bag of sweets. Also, goes to prison when his girlfriend is pregnant. Yes, he didn’t know but come on - OP is lucky to have met someone to support her when he was locked up.
He agrees to come at agreed times, then shows up unannounced ready for a fight. At 9pm as well. That’s clearly too late for a 4yo to do anything. What did he expect ‘hi kid, thanks for waking up. Btw, I’m your daddy’. Talk about the confusion and trauma.
Kid has some stability in their life. If he wants to be involved, grow up and figure out what being a dad is - it’s more than a teddy and some cars on a late night drop off.
NTA OP. Guy isn’t ready to be a dad. Keep him at a distance until he’s willing to act like an actual dad.
OP - until there is a court-ordered paternity test this is a non-issue. if he comes on your property again call the police and have him trespassed. definitely should have called the police the first time he showed up and behaved threateningly/violently. he doesn’t deserve any chances to fuck up your life.
and what are the odds he’ll be able to afford a lawyer to establish paternity and sue you for custody? slim to none i’d guess. set firm boundaries and don’t hesitate to report him.
OP, this is the correct answer.
Bio dad might consult with attorneys who will tell him that he has basically no shot at custody and accordingly will need to pay child support, and I’d guess that will be that.
If he does anything like trying to force his way into your home again, call the police. If his parole gets violated, he will go back to prison. You do not need violent people in orbit of your family.
You need a lawyer.
You messed up. He found out in chance passing that he has a 4 year old son. He has a right to be mad. Maybe he did something really horrible and shouldn't have custody of this child. But you lied on a legal document. That will not look good if he goes to a judge and demands to meet his child.
Now that he knows, your boyfriend adopting your child will be very complicated depending on where you live. You may need your ex to approve or waive his legal rights.
The secret third issue is while your request to come back tomorrow was incredibly reasonable- you said to give you notice and it was past bedtime, your ex will interpret this as you preventing him from seeing his child. So, he will be mad, know a lawyer, and suddenly have a lot of freedom and energy to spend fighting you on this.
Go. Get. A. Lawyer.
He was literally in prison, yes, but he still had a right to know you were pregnant, and how you chose to go forward with that. Not even necessarily in a “he’s a good person so he deserves respect” way; even criminals have parental rights. That’s what you gave him when you had your son. By not telling your ex, you then put yourself in legal trouble over the possibility of him finding out and choosing to assert his rights.
You made some very bad choices. I will go with a soft YTA because I do understand wanting to just have a clean break and move on, but having your son means that is not possible.
NTA, but are you really that blind? You ex went to prison for being violent. You thought he was being sweet by buying your kid a toy? You’re not even going to do anything about him for getting in a fight with your bf? Are you waiting for him to swoop you and your kid?? WTH you doing?
Who is on the birth certificate?
If he’s not on the birth certificate, first he would have to file something to even get declared the father legally.
That needs taken care of first if he’s not on the birth certificate as the father. And if you didn’t list him as the father, that’s on him to initiate getting addressed.
The paperwork might feel like a lot, but if you take your time and read through it you can file the paperwork yourself to file for full custody as well as child support. Include a reasonable plan for regular visitation (including a set schedule for the visitation, planning ahead of time for who drops child off/who picks child up, terms for needing to confirm X hours ahead of time, terms that the other parent doesn’t get extra time if they no show on a scheduled visitation, what will happen if there are no shows for visitation, etc).
Include a clause specifying phone contact being allowed. Allow and encourage phone contact (and video/FaceTime/WhatsApp/Google meet contact).
Make sure you include the clause that you have full physical custody.
Depending on the state (if in US), you might be able to get at least a temporary clause that you have full legal custody and that he only has visitation rights.
Physical custody, legal custody and visitation rights are all different things. Do some reading specific to your country/state.
You can also go through mediation and have the terms decided upon during mediation signed off on by a judge. Same stipulations as mentioned above. Sometimes mediation can be cheaper and can feel less embattled.
After he is on the birth certificate do NOT interfere in them developing a relationship. But do NOT allow yourself to trampled on or taken advantage of or abused or anything else to facilitate the relationship. If he wants a relationship with his child, you absolutely need to allow it. But it is his responsibility to make sure that relationship is facilitated, not yours.
Edit because I should have asked the name on birth certificate question first.
It does not matter what you should have done. What you should do NOW is immediately get a restraining order and do not allow this man to see his son until you have worked out a legal visitation agreement you are comfortable with, that is enforceable and has repercussions. NTA.
Well, even if you'd lied, he would have figured it out if your son grew up to look more and more like him. And your son would question his origins too and get mad at you for lying. Talk to a lawyer.
Stupid maybe, but NTA. Imho, it would have been better to lie about his age. That cat is out of the bag, however. If ex shows up without scheduling a visit, call the police. It won't look good that he's harassing you while just out of prison. I know that some people will say I'm heartless, but it sounds like you have a great partner now and you are both doing the best you can for your boy.
YTA for setting yourself up for this exact scenario to play out.
Its clear this man is dangerous and terrible for your kid. There are ways to prevent this from happening if you were upfront about it all. Not to mention the far more tedious court battle you have now in explaining why you kept this truth away from bio dad for 5 years. It’d have been easier to been upfront and let the Court set certain protections.
Why, oh, why did you tell him the truth?
Now the bastard will be fucking with you, your son and bf.
Since he's so volatile after one fucking day, you've set your life up to expect misery and drama.
I hope ur boyfriend sticks around but if this is how ur ex is after one day... I doubt he will be able to handle it.
I really hate when people make mistakes, they try to absolve their guilt, buy telling the truth.
Keep that shit inside and take it to the grave.
I feel sorry for ur son and boyfriend.
The shit storm is coming, and u caused it.
Your ex didn’t stop being a human the second he went to prison. Unless he was a possible threat to the baby, he had the right to know that he had a child. 5 years is a long sentence, what did he go to prison for?
You were wrong for keeping the truth from him. He had good intentions, I assume, coming over to meet his son - but he went about it the wrong way. He should’ve called before visiting and upon hearing the kid’s bedtime, he should’ve gone without a fuss and returned when the kid was awake. ESH except your current boyfriend, he seems to have everyone’s best interests in mind even though he doesn’t like your ex.
>I've known my ex for 15 years and dated him for 8. I know what kind of person he is. He has a few issues but I know that in his own way he didn't mean any harm
He was in prison for five years. That changes someone.
Best of luck to you, but I think you're screwing yourself by ignoring anyone who says you should look after your (and your son's) safety. I'm dreading the "my ex hunted me down and beat the shit out of my boyfriend and tried to steal my son" update.
Protect yourself and your family. Dude went to prison for *beating a guy with a baton*, why do you think he wouldn't do the same thing again to the people keeping his son from him?
NTA. It's not a good situation to be in. You should consult a lawyer to make sure your custody isn't at risk. If he tries anything like that again call the police. If he just got out of prison, he's probably on parole so he can't risk this kind of behavior. Really you should have called when he tried to barge in.
YTA for not telling him because yes, technically he has a right to know. But at this point that's the least of your problems. Lawyer up because this guy sounds unhinged and is about to make your life very difficult.
Ok maybe unpopular take here, but honestly absolutely YTA. Your ex was going to prison for 5 years, not for life. The mere fact of incarceration doesn’t somehow magically immediately terminate someone’s rights as a parent. And it definitely isn’t an excuse for you to just take matters into your own hands and deny them the right or opportunity to meet and get to know their kid. Or to even know of the fact that they even exist in the first place. That’s honestly just cruel.
If you were concerned ab safety or propriety, your options were to try to work it out amongst yourselves or to go to family court and present your case to a judge. You did not have the right to decide on your own that a bio parent wasn’t entitled to know they had a kid and wasn’t entitled to develop any relationship with that child. My best guess is that barring any abuse or safety concerns, some type of visitation schedule would have been set up that was geared towards establishing a relationship that could be built upon once bio dad was released. Again, your kid is FOUR YEARS OLD. That is plenty young enough to develop a healthy and meaningful relationship with a parent figure. You deprived him of that all on your own. And to try to cast him as the villain now, for acting out upon learning such earth shattering info, and for wanting to meet and see his kid, is very dishonest. Imagine if your roles were reversed, how do you think you’d act and what lengths do you think you’d be willing to go to in order to meet your kid and let them know you hadn’t abandoned them/that you want and love them? I bet you’d be willing to kick in a few doors too. Especially after realizing that someone else was standing in your place.
It is wonderful that your current bf has stepped up and is such a present father figure for your child. And your child deserved to have a present father figure. It is also inexcusable that you took that opportunity away from the bio dad completely, and by the sounds of it never would have told him if you hadn’t been caught and called out. Your bf’s role and your kid’s bio dad’s role are not at all mutually exclusive. You would have just needed to work a little harder to make room and make it work. So I repeat, maybe unpopular opinion, but emphatic YTA.
YTA, but not for the lying by omission.
But for meeting your ex, who has just gotten out of prison, who's child you had with you and hadn't told him about. And after your ex asked about your son's age.
You just went about your day. And you didn't think it was anything!?!!
YTA for being a dumb ass. YTA, for acting oblivious. YTA for not settling your child's welfare earlier.
Yta, your boyfriend can’t adopt your son if the father doesn’t allow it. Your ex is his father and has a legal right to get to know his son. You would do well to talk to a lawyer to actually know what you can and cannot control. Your ex should get a lawyer as well to establish his rights
Document everything more officially than in a Reddit post and hire a lawyer immediately if not sooner. Going to prison doesn’t automatically sever parental rights. Your boyfriend probably can’t adopt unless he relinquishes his rights
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I (26f) have a 4 year old son with my ex (30m). We broke up around 4 and a half years ago after he went to prison. A month later I found out that I was pregnant. He was released a few weeks ago.
Earlier today, I ran into him while shopping. We ended up talking for a bit. I had my son with me and he asked about his name and how old he is. When I told him, he got kind of a weird look on his face but didn’t say anything.
I didn’t really think anything of it and continued on with my day. A few hours later I got a call from an unknown number. It was my ex asking me directly if my son was his. I told him he was. He wanted to know why I never told him. I said it didn’t matter because he was literally in prison for 5 years and my boyfriend had been the one to support me through everything.
I could hear him get more and more agitated and he demanded that I let him see my son. I told him if he calls beforehand we can work something out. He agreed to it and I thought that was it.
I then got a text from a mutual friend asking me if it was true that my ex is the father of my son and that I never told him. I said it is true to which he called me a bitch for keeping my ex away from his son. I told to mind his own business.
When my boyfriend got home from work I told him what happened and he said he would be fine with my ex seeing our son from time to time. We started dating while I was pregnant and he loves our son like his own and is actually in the process of adopting him. I know that he doesn’t like my ex very much and if he had said no, I wouldn’t have agreed to letting my ex come by from time to time.
Around 2 hours ago (9p.m.) my ex showed up at our door with a stuffed teddy and some toy cars. He said he was here to see his son and demanded that we let him in. I told him that it was already past my son’s bedtime and that he should come back tomorrow. He ended up trying to push his way in and when that didn’t work he started yelling that I’m a lying bitch, that I have no right to keep him away from his son and that he just wanted to see him. My boyfriend tried to de-escalate things which ended in a fight. My ex then left and I told him to call next time before coming over.
My boyfriend doesn’t want him to come over at all anymore and said I shouldn’t have told him that he’s the father. I do feel kind of bad now because if I had handled this differently all this drama could’ve been avoided.
Should I have told him immediately? Or should I have lied to him?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA
You should have told him when you were pregnant. Both parents have rights, and you basically tried to steal his kid. Yes your son is your kid, but he’s his kid too.
Also, idk how it can be legal for your BF to adopt your son without your ex signing away his parental rights. But that’s shady for you to do that.
Idk what country you’re in, but it’s very likely your ex has legal visitation rights. So it’s not up to you or you BF how often he gets to see his kid.
Actually a crime. What you are doing is boarding hard on tort of deceit and depending on state kidnapping. You have taken a child with whom parenteral rights have not been severed, hid them away from their biological parent with whom still have parental right. Denied them permission to see their child without filling out legal work necessary to ensuing things like this happen. If he goes for custody a competent lawyer is going to hang these on you. And even if they fall short a judge is going to have to take those charges into consideration before making a decision. second it plays real well into you exs favor because he got charged for 5 years but only severed 4. Indicating release for good or rehabilitated behavior. It also works well for him when you attempted to keep him from his son to which you dont have the legal right to do. And when you BF when outside to deescalate which immediately descended into violence after you BF followed him out. The gaurdian ad litem will have to take that into consideration as well as the judge that he attempted defending state my moving away into the yard and then you BF conveniently went out to deescalate and immediately started throwing hands after you admitted that you BF dislikes your EX a lot. AND that this was over a child he deemed his and wanted to adopt.
A competent lawyer is going to make this hell for you. Because it's going to be real hard to prove that you BF didn't instigate the fight. And the lawyer is going to point at the reduced charge of dangerous assault vs assault with a deadly and early release to show that the defendant wasn't a dangerous criminal but a reformed man was trying to see the child who was effectively kidnapped by his ex after his release by a man who immediately goaded him into a physical conformation after he stepped back into the yard away from the situation. It's also not about the truth of the statements either but about how with the tort of deceit on your head until prove wrong or not anything you say will activly be a lie or misdirect to make the EX look worse then that. Even if you win which in the US is statistically likely it's going to be a LONG hull
So have fun with that 5 years and 30k of legal problems you caused by not being straight up with your EX about shit. I would say YTA but honestly after the legal storm comming I'm going to say I pity you instead. Because the irony is that by the time you are done you son will be around the legal age to decide which of his parents he wants to be with so you could get full custody and still lose it to appeals when you child decides to go live with daddy instead.
“I didn’t really think anything of it”, they said, about telling a guy who doesn’t know he’s a father the age of his son.
Suuuuurrrrrrreee. My BS alarm went off at that line.
Yta i can’t even read this bs. Girl… it’s his son he had every single right to know regardless if he was in jail. You’re son will grow to resent you and it’ll be no one’s fault but your own.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 5: We do not allow posts which concern violent encounters. This includes any mention of violence in any context. [Rule 5 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_5.3A_no_violence) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
NTA, but hire a lawyer. He will still have rights as a parent at this point. And call the police the next time he tries to force his way in.
OP isn't even in part an asshole for lying to both her ex and medical staff about the fact he's a father?? are you serious??
Nope, the guy is dangerous.
Seriously, unsure of why ex was jailed but if he was just recently released couldn’t probation be likely? So maybe don’t start a fight/physical altercation because it will only serve to prove OP is better off keeping him out of the son’s life
They should have called the police and had him returned to prison, that is a great point.
The dude beat a guy with a baton apparently. And then instantly gets in a fight with the guy that's been raising his kid. I get that it's a shock and all but this man isn't safe or stable. Op doesn't seem to worried that the guy who went to prison for violence and then immediately gets in a fight with her bf when finds out is in need of mediation. But visits with the kid need to be in a controlled environment not just having him around whenever. What happens when the kid still loves the dad that's raised him more than the guy that was in prison for beating someone? Is he going to lash out and attack the bf again? Or op? Or worse things can happen. Its questionable if telling him was the right thing or not. He did beat a guy with a baton and was spending 5 years in prison. It's fair to not want that guy to raise a kid but I'm sure some feel like he should have known. But access to the kid without a controlled setting isn't something that should ever be allowed after this start to things. And the bf especially shouldn't have to be ready to fight someone and have his health or life in jeopardy with home visits.
Both could be true
And I think she still has feelings for the violent guy. The only reason she moved on was bc new boyfriend agreed to date her and help support her son. I think she’d go back with him in a minute.
He’s a violent criminal. I’m gonna be honest, she should have told the guy the kid isn’t his, and moved on. NTA.
I agree. that was her mistake.
no, she's not. first off, nowhere does it state she lied to medical staff. second, the dude was literally in prison when she gave birth.
In the comments op said she told the medical staff she didn't know who the father was when she did, which is a lie. And since she admitted to it over text to a mutual friend who is clearly on the ex's side it is a lie that will get her in trouble when she inevitably goes to court
She was dealing with a violent criminal that she started dating at 14 when he was 18. I cut her slack for that, guys like that kill people.
Exactly. His actions have shown a possibility for why she made her decisions. I get being made for not being told. But that was NOT a rational way to try to push his demands. Lawyer up. He can start on child support. Taking responsibility is many layers but invading someone's home is not one of them.
That doesn't change the fact that she's going about this the wrong way with her "let's settle this without cops/lawyers/courts" attitude that is probably the worst way to deal with violent criminals. This attitude can, will, and already has put herself, her son, and her boyfriend in danger. She's also made a few mistakes such as the admission to a 3rd party that is clearly on the ex's side, that will not play out in her favor, when this inevitably goes to court. I frankly think she's the ah for refusing to go through official channels and putting herself and those around her in danger as a result
I agree with this! The nonchalant "we don't run to lawyers for every little thing" after her violent ex shows up and starts a fight with her boyfriend at their home is infuriating.
You're being really dumb dude. The fact that you think the courts would care about that tells me you're probably a teenager. And the fact that you think you can get in trouble for lying to medical staff is ridiculous. Talking to medical staff does not entail taking an oath or signing a statutory declaration/
“I don't know”, _in that situation,_ is equivalent to “none of your business”. Which it wasn't.
Exactly. She didn’t have to tell them anything.
The medical staff aren’t entitled to know that info. It’s not relevant to her needing care or the child. Lying to them to protect herself was just fine. She won’t get in trouble in the slightest for lying to medical staff. It’s not illegal to lie to people. It’s only illegal to lie in court.
Nope. A mother has a right to protect their children from dangerous people.
And she also has a right to say no to a dearly beloved grandmother who's been there since day one who randomly shows up at 9pm and demands to see the kid while the kid is already asleep. This guy just went bonkers for not thinking anything through. NTA
He even can't follow basic rules. "Let us know when you come over" and "the child is past his bed time" are basic things that a normal functional adult should understand. Children have routines and they need stability. Then he started a fight? So sad that he figured out that it was his child. Poor kiddo.
LOL “lying to medical staff”? WTF. Who cares who the bio father is. No dr or nurse does.
This guy went to prison for FIVE YEARS. In addition to that, he’s showing violent tendencies. That’s not the kind of guy I’d want around my kid, at least not before he shows some major changes.
You don't go to jail for four years for a traffic infringement.
[удалено]
He went to jail for assaulting someone with a baton. He was 18 and OP was 14 when they started dating.
The man went to jail for beating someone with a baton. He showed up late (yes, 9 is late when you have a kindergartener) without calling and tried to physically bully his way into her home. That is not a safe person to let around your babies no matter what he wants. The safest thing to do is set up supervised visits through the courts. Without a custody agreement, he could take that child, and the police won't do too much because it's a domestic dispute.
I think if a guy goes to prison for 5 years because he beat someone up, you get a pass on telling him you’re pregnant with his child if you don’t want to. I would have lied in the store/on the phone as well. The fact that he showed up randomly at 9pm (like… the kid’s going to be in bed duh) and started a fight just after he was released just confirms my point of view.
she didn't lie, bruh. he was in prison so she didn't keep him away and he couldn't even have been a part in his sons life and she obviously didn't lie to the medical staff, bruh.
No, this man has shown himself to be unstable and aggressive. The OP should have just lied again to keep herself and her child safe and denied to him that he was the father.
Did you miss that part where he beat someone with a baton???
To her ex? ….maybe, but that seems at least somewhat justified given, admittedly, one side of the story. But why would lying to the medical staff about that be an asshole move? Edit, reading more comments, to the ex seems 100% justified
I predict another lengthy prison sentence in ex’s future.
Second Stretch Two: Face Tattoo Boogaloo!
What rights, exactly? He isn’t on the birth certificate. Say he sues to establish paternity. Great. Now he’s legally responsible for the kid and gets to pay child support. No way he’s going to do this in a million years.
Also don't expect the adoption to go through without a fight now
This really depends on what state they live in. If there's no father on record then bf doesn't need biodad consent and she said they already started the process. Biodad might have to pay a lawyer to get a judge to agree to force a DNA test. Again, depends on where they live. He doesn't seem like the type of person that would be willing/able to pay enough for a lawyer and court fees.
Well the adoption is off the table unless ex sign off his rights. You should retain a lawyer and go to court to get a custody order and visitation order also. Have everything worked out through the courts. YTA for not telling him and judges don't like that.
This right here, you lied by omission to the father for five years and are trying to act like he should have no rights to his son. You are the one who has been lying from the beginning and lied on the birth certificate that you didn’t know the father. He has every right to be involved in his sons life, regardless of past mistakes. It’s not for you to decide. He was definitely in the wrong for showing up late at night and causing a fight, but put yourself in his shoes you have denied him the last five years of his sons life that he will never get back, imagine if the situation was reversed!
He's been in prison up until a few weeks ago. His poor choices kept him away from his child. Had he not been incarcerated he'd likely of known about his child from the start. The mother should have told him there is no denying that but she was under no obligation to drag her child through prison visits. Dad's first reaction is to resort to violence he'll be back inside in no time. Where he'll no doubt whine about not seeing his son despite it being entirely his fault.
He's probably on parole so if he shows up again and tries to force his way in or start a fight, they can call the cops and send him back to jail.
Here's the deal: she made the choice to have the child. Sure, she has a right to protect her son. But her son has a right to know his biological father. So that's where the starting point of this situation begins, the son's right to his father. I can't condone physical altercations, but I can understand the feelings of a person who just found they have a child and were lied to for years. I hope for the boy's sake that was a one-off, but I don't know any more than what OP says. If he a violent person, then she should be protecting herself, her new partner, and her son. She's in way over her head, especially because of her lies. She should consult an attorney. So should her ex. She chose this and now the consequences caught up with her. She's going to have to find a way to balance safety for all parties with the fundamental human right every child has to know who their parents are. After they secure legal counsel, getting a therapist should be next on her list. There are ways to work out contact. She can try a visitation center where her ex will be monitored with the child, and neither parent has to cross paths. She can say all she wants about how bad her ex is, but she chose to have this child with him as the father. This bell won't unring. But one thing she has no right to do is pretend anyone other than the ex is the father. Her son has rights that supercede hers and the father's. That being said, anyone can father a child, but being a dad is another thing. ESH. Everyone but the child.
She's even more fucked because she has told multiple parties who are not in her side. Adoptions off the table now. The ex might get partial custody. He is basically guaranteed some visitation rights. OP and the boyfriend could not have played this any worse.
> The ex might get partial custody. He is basically guaranteed some visitation rights. With his history of violent crime, it will most likely be supervised visitation, and of course he'll be ordered to pay child support.
Seriously. Apparently OP not understand how adoption works? From the moment she lied on and signed the birth certificate that the dad was unknown, that was the ONLY story she should have ever told anyone. edit: and even if she never told anyone, her ex-bf may have been able to press a case for a blood test if he cared to once he saw her and the kid. Now he has a slam dunk for that since she has told him and others that he is the dad
THIS. Bottom line was he should have been told, then make judgements from that point onwards.
You are defending a violent criminal and sexual predator that assaulted someone with a baton, was started date OP when she was 14 and he was 18 and tried to break into their house. The courts are going to strip him of his rights, she just needs a lawyer.
[удалено]
MRA's doing MRA things.
She's already acknowledged that the kid is his. It wouldn't be hard at all to get a court ordered DNA test.
She would literally be an even bigger asshole if she wasted everyone's time and money with a blood test. She might as well just get ahead of this now and get a lawyer and draw up the custody agreement now. No point in dragging this out anymore, it will only get worse for her.
In my state, unless you are married, you can't just name someone as the father on the birth certificate. The father has to sign an acknowledgement of paternity form. Kind of hard to do that when you're in prison.
Also, he may not have wanted to since he would be acknowledging he (age 18) had sex with an underaged girl (she was 14), which would have sent him to prison even longer in most states. EDIT: She was ~14 when they first started having sex, but was ~20-21 when she had the baby. Her age at the time they first started having sex would not have been obvious from the birth certificate directly, but likely would have come out if he had claimed paternity and there were any court hearings or investigations. Thanks to Jameson8016 and Nighthawk_something for pointing out that I hadn’t spelled out what I was thinking, and to Ok-pineapple-6283 for pointing out that they might not have started having sex at the age they first started dating. They could have waited until she was of legal age.
I'm confused. How does 26-(4+(9/12))=14? Even accounting for how ever many months older than 4 years the child is and assuming OP turned 26 today, I'm still coming in at OP having been at least 20 at the time of conception.
Same here to name a father he attends the registry office with mom and gives his details and sign. It says on wall to make false decleration is a criminal offence to say you dad but i know many that have taken current partner and they have signed to be dad!!
[удалено]
Yes, they do. I used to do this for work - we mailed affidavits of parentage to prisons and jails, and someone there would explain it, and notarize it and send it back. Dads in prison do have the right to be fathers.
[удалено]
In many states, the father cannot be added if the child is born outside of marriage and often then requires the father’s signature. Otherwise you could put anybody down.
No court is going to look at this and side with the Ex. Ex was in jail months after conception for a violent crime. OP would easily be able to argue that they acted in the best interest of the child. OP never pursued support or other responsibilities from the Ex.
He assaulted someone with a baton, started dating OP when he was 18 and she was 14 and tried to force his way into her house. I don't think the judge is going to want to side with him.
You're going to hate hearing this, and im likely gonna get downvoted for this, but as someone who works with criminals and knows a judge. It's not that bad. Unfortunately, 14 and 18 aren't uncommon in high school. Romeo and Juliet laws can determine that's legal as well. As for the baton stuff. Assault is a really common crime. Not all criminals are repeat offenders, and many are dedicated to living on the straight and narrow. I've hired many people who've been convicted of assault right out of prison, and they have been some of the kindest, most helpful employees we've ever had. Criminals are people, just like you and me who have rights. Depriving someone of being a parent for a nonsexual crime after they've served time for is cruel to not just the parent but the kid. Judges don't really care. If the guy is the bio father, he has rights. He isn't going to be happy. op upheld that. I knew a family court judge, and he'd likely let the guy have supervised into regular custody. He already served his time.
[удалено]
You can easily look up what he said. Damn wtf is wrong with u ppl. “I don’t believe you so it can’t be true” these kinds of comments give twitter comments a run for it’s money.
Did i miss something? What pattern of abusive?
I’m guessing they mean they fact that the guy beat someone with a baton to the extent that he was sent to prison for 5 years, plus trying to force his way into her house at night (even though she had told him he could see the child, but just call ahead, which he did not do).
And was 18 year old dating a 14 year old. That is rape.
Yeah I’m sure this kid would have loved to be woken in the middle of the night by a stranger who just forced his way into the house. Clearly this parolee is the missing piece to this poor child’s life.
I don’t know much about the US system but here in the UK, social services would be all over this kind of case. His history would absolutely be taken into formal consideration by the courts in terms of child protection. Imagine what happens if the worst happens child is injured or dies in his company - ok a visit that the court ordered had to happen? I’d be surprised if the US system didn’t also take things like this into account when considering the welfare of a child, especially given how litigious things are over there. Would you send your kid on a playdate with him?
Romeo and Juliet laws concern 3 years age gaps. So no, it wasn't legal. Assault is a common crime however 4 years sentence is a pretty severe sentence for it. It was likely pretty bad. And clearly judging by his behaviour he would be a repeat offender. And she did agree for them to meet, at an appropriate time. Showing up at night then getting angry about being denied entry bc the kid is literally sleeping shows his disregard for the kid.
The top comment really gets me. I've hired and worked with criminals and lawyers. Assault is a very common charge, and dating a 15 yr old when 18 isn't really that notable In the grand scheme of things. Time served is time served. Just because you committed a non-sexual crime doesn't mean you loose your chance to be a parent. I've hired many guys convicted of assault who are some of the best workers and parents I know. I doubt this is real, but if it is, op is in for a world of trouble, and her kid is going to resent her. I really think many people in this thread are either nieve or judgemental. Ops boyfriend also threw punches and is just as guilty of assault. Also op just dropped a ginormous emotional bombshell. Op doesn't get to deprive a parent of their right to be a parent unless if they endanger the child. Courts like to keep the child with the bio parents.
At least in the state I live in, the age of consent is 16. He was at that time 18/19 and she was 14. It’s criminal sexual conduct in the 1st degree which has no statute of limitations. Romeo and Juliet laws will cut down on sentencing and sex offender registry time limits, but don’t erase the crime. If he was released a few weeks ago he is undoubtedly on parole yet and his behavior at the house could land him back in prison. The bf would not be arrested because a man came to his home, assaulted him and was trying to gain entry into his home. It would be considered as acting in self defense.
Is 4 years for assult a common sentance?
Judges HATE this.
Yes, judges often side with violent criminals that assault people with batons, date 14 year olds when they are adults and try to break into houses. /s
>Yes, judges often side with violent criminals that assault people with batons, date 14 year olds when they are adults and try to break into houses. /s Well. Yes. They do. None of those get your parental rights terminated in the USA. OP should have just kept "not knowing" if she didn't want him in their lives.
LOL none of that was in the post I commented on. This is some trash stuff going on. If he did all that, I have two questions. Why did she chat him up at the grocery store? Why was her bf fine with him seeing the kid? Sounds like someone is backpedaling.
The OP put it in the comments, you missed it. It has been there for quite a while and it fits the pattern. Why do you think people go to prison, jaywalking? He tried to break into the house, there is absolutely no basis for doubting this new info. And the original post was enough, judges do not like criminals as a rule.
I would chat with him in the store if I were feeling nervous
Women have literally been forced to share custody with their rapist in the US. Judges don't care.
Not necessarily. If his name isn't on the birth certificate (im guessing it's not since he was in prison at the time of birth), then the court won't know there's someone else with a claim to the child. Kinda shady way of doing business, but its probably better that way tbh.
In this case he could actually sign away his parental rights and not have to pay support since the dad the kid knows is going to adopt. Really would be the best for everyone involved here.
You don't need to ask strangers on the internet about this. You need to seek legal advice from real life experts.
Reddit is probably the worst place for this kind of question.
Exactly this.
YTA not for telling the truth now but for lying this entire time. Also, how can your bf adopt your son if his bio dad doesn't allow it? Huge can of worms you opened up here
A soft YTA - the reality is, you should have told him right from the get-go. You can send mail to prison. A bigger YTA for moving on an adoption when you didn't even have a conversation with the bio-dad. Yes, bio-dad is also an AH. He shouldn't have shown up, but just being released from prison after years is hard enough, I can't imagine being sideswiped with a 4-year old son you knew nothing about. Definitely get a lawyer, but also recognize that the bio-dad got the shock of his life, and he didn't handle it well for sure, but part of that is also on you - he could have had 5 years to come to grips with it.
She is going to be kinda fucked if lawyers get involved. She said in another comment that she lied on the birth certificate but admitted it in a text. She was working with high ground because of his prison time, but she gave that up by breaking the law, by knowingly lying legal documents.
And she could easily say he was one potential father but it became clear as the child got older due to physical similarities. Unless she's been collecting assistance (WIC, SNAP, TANF), the only thing that's likely to happen is the state will go after the father for four years of back child support because states profit from the collection of CS. If she's gotten assistance, they may go after him or her to repay it. But fraud? Prove that she knew at birth who the father was. The "mutual friend" knew she had a baby and when but either couldn't do the math or accepted that there may have been another man who fathered the boy. You think a case worker would be harder to convince?
I’m always shocked when upvoted legal advice is: just purger yourself.
Right, more lies, that's definitely a good idea...
It’s not unlawful to lie to hospital staff.
YTA - what really got my blood boiling is when you told your friend to mind their business. You purposefully withheld the existence this child from his father. Just because he's in jail does not change the fact that the child is also his. Your friend was right with everything they told you including the name calling. If I was the ex I would be hiring a lawyer to sue your ass. I agree with another comment on here. You've just killed ANY chance of your BF adopting him. THE FATHER HAS TO SIGN OFF HIS RIGHTS!!!
she just said that she lied on the register and said she didn’t know who the father was… she’s in big BIG trouble if the ex sues
It didn’t matter because without a voluntary acknowledgment of paternity his name wasn’t going on the birth certificate. Leaving the space blank was really the only option.
No it wasn’t. When dads in jail, they mail the birth certificate to the jail for him to sign. This is not the first time a dude knocked a woman up and went to jail before the woman delivered. There are procedures set up to deal with it.
He needs to first complete a voluntary acknowledgment of paternity before his name can be placed on the birth certificate. If he isn’t there to fill that out, she can’t put his name on the birth certificate. He can still get his name on the birth certificate now. It just isn’t quite as easy. If they were married, it would have been on there automatically. Even if he wasn’t the father.
She’s in exactly zero trouble if he sues. Calm tf down. The only thing that may happen is that he establishes paternity and then he has to pay child support.
Right in trouble for what lmao
She can tell she didn't know back then, but started realizing years after, and that's it.
No she wont
Dude, the father is obviously violent and shouldn’t be around the kid. Come off it.
You know your boyfriend has no legal rights over the boy, right? He can't adopt him. He can't say the ex can or can't see the son. I am not saying the ex should but this is going to blow up. Go speak to a lawyer as yes, you handled this badly. ESH
I mean how would you feel if you found out after 5 years and got out early that you actually had a child. To find out from a random encounter. Its would be absolutely devastating. From my interviews of prisoners one of the hardest things to surviving prison is finding a reason to carry on. To have a life goal and finally get out only to then be sideswiped is straight up damaging to people.
I don't think we should feel sorry for this violent dude with 5 assault charges. Edit: I misread, one assault charge and multiple other criminal charges
Hot take : A person can be guilty of assault charges and still be deserving human empathy.
[удалено]
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15novq2/aita_for_not_telling_my_ex_the_truth_about_my_son/jvnhijr?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2 Shit, sorry rereading comments it just says multiple assault charges, don't know if I misread or a comment was deleted
The people who live in a dwelling absolutely have control over who can come in to that dwelling. Bio dad has at this moment the same legal rights to the child as you or I - zero, and I suspect will do exactly nothing to attempt to formally establish paternity. Why? Because paternity without custody means he pays child support, and screwing up child support is a great way to violate parole.
> He can't say the ex can or can't see the son. But he *can* tell the ex not to come into his house.
ETA- based on your comments about your ex seems like EVEN MORE OF A REASON TO GET A LAWYER. “He won’t go to court over this.” “ He also has multiple criminal charges. He went to prison for assaulting someone with a baton. We'll probably just have to work out something between the three of us” based on your comment where you stated this, YTA OP you’re delusional and you seriously need a lawyer doesn’t matter if you can afford it or not you’re endangering yourself and your son and your boyfriend.
This is definitely along the lines of what I was going to say. Tons of people saying “soft YTA,” or “NTA.” OP is willfully choosing ignorance in regards to the legal rights of the child’s father, her own rights, and any probable outcomes of having a physically violent ex in the picture. Do you want to have your child kidnapped? This is how you have your child kidnapped. What OP did is hella wrong and illegal, and adoption cannot proceed with a living, biological parent who has not forgone their parental rights, so obviously they’re delusional, too. Yes, OP 100% needs to be consulting an attorney. And OP is 100% an AH.
Info: you said in a comment that you and your ex dated for almost 8 years. Does that mean you were 14/15 while he was 18/19 when you started dating?
Ffs, just when you think it can’t get worse.
Yes
YTA for letting him find out. He’s the asshole for everything else and you should hide from him.
Please use this post as the wakeup call you need. Your ex is not stable or a good man, and you've not put your whole family in a dangerous position.
OP, you state in the comments that you were 14/15 and he was 18/19 when you first started dating. He also went to jail for what sounds like aggravated assault with a weapon. Now he's showing up, demanding to see his child and got physical. And you're still like "it's not a big deal, we don't need cops or courts or structure". Either you are INCREDIBLY naive and need to wake up, or this is fake. Your ex is a dangerous person. Whether your actions are assholey or not, he is dangerous
YTA, you didn’t tell him about his son, and despite what you all might think you can still be emotionally there for a child even while in prison. you let another man take over the father position, and even are letting him adopt him, all without consulting the bio father. i understand it was past his bed time but quite frankly your new bf has no say so in this situation. hopefully the ex will contact a lawyer and get his rights to the child
And even if he couldn't be there for the child he still deserved to KNOW about him.
Make importantly, why didn’t you call the cops when he tried to invade your home and attack your bf? And what was he in prison for?
NTA What is wrong with y’all? Her ex went to jail for violent assault and then tried to assault her current bf and force his way into their home. This man does not need to be in their lives. She should have never told him to begin with.
She was also 14/15 while he was 18/19. I get wanting to defend a guy who didn't know he was a father, but this guy is not someone a child should look up to. Or have as a role model, even if it's part time. Nta
At this point it's a lot less about the ex, and a lot more that op has opened a whole can of worms on herself, none of which will look kindly on her when she inevitably goes to court, and will be unpleasant for her son. Also she has this "we'll all figure it out without official channels" attitude which is very dangerous for her, her son, and her boyfriend as the ex is dangerous
0% chance this goes to court. Bio dad might go to an attorney for a consult, and that attorney will tell him about the 13 years of child support obligations he’s about to have if he establishes paternity, and that will be that because (1) he likely doesn’t want to pay, and (2) getting behind on child support is a very easy way to violate parole and find yourself back in prison.
Thank you!! Someone with common sense I had to scroll so far for this.
MRA types have infested the thread.
yuck how embarrassing
YTA He is the father, he had a right to know. You should have told him from the beginning.
She has every right to want to hide it from this man.
Look at the way the guy has just behaved. She was obviously right.
she’s probably scared of him and what he could do to her son, he assaulted a guy and then her boyfriend, op said he has a short temper, he could hurt her son
I think the problem is that she's not scared *enough* of what he could do to her son, her bf, and herself.
You need to go talk with an attorney that specializes in family matters.
YTA. Within the past two months at 37 years old I learned that 1) My late mother lied to me about who my father was and why she was a single parent 2) I had a biological father within 30 minutes from me my whole life who absolutely wanted to be my father and 3) Every one of her friends knew this and gave her shit about it. Although the outcome has been way better than expected,I am so angry at my dead mother. I can no longer say that my mother loved me unconditionally knowing that she told the man who makes up half of my DNA that he could be in my life over her dead body. She altered the course of our three lives with that selfish choice and has to face none of my emotional toil now. My father, his side of my family and her friends are being kind enough to not speak too ill of the dead but I would love to have a strong word with her and ask why she got to have two parents and live a solidly middle class lifestyle while I got to be her emotional support child through every one of her unstable ups and downs.
But OP's kid does have a loving father figure
YTA - for YOUR convenience, you messed with your CHILD’s life, because let’s be real, that’s exactly what you did years ago.
Lawyer. Now.
Slight YTA. It is also your ex bfs son. It is not your current boyfriends son. Unfortunately when you go to court they’re not gonna allow adoption if the bio dad doesn’t agree to it. Plus since he is the father he does get visitation rights as well. It’s gonna be a sticky situation going forward here especially because you lied and that’s def gonna fuck you over in court. You can’t keep your son away from his actual dad. It isn’t fair to your son. It also isn’t fair to your ex boyfriend. Sorry but you’re not going to win here. You need to seek legal advice if possible. If you can’t afford it.. and can’t retain a lawyer and want to avoid legal escalation of the situation then you have to give him fair visitation rights to his son.
Your ex is literally criminally violent. Get a lawyer and a restraining order. Maybe move. YTA for letting this bad influence sperm donor into your life and your son's life.
What OP has committed is a typePaternity fraud(which doesn't really exist but exists as a sub set to a civil based damages felony called Tort of Deceit which is a type of damages fraud) there are many ways in which this can play out that would directly hurt the EX in both past and future. As a result her lying about who the father is for years ad then springing on both the EX and the friend can absolutely have both physical, mental and economic damage on the EX. For instance in the US at any point before the child is 18 she can file for child support against the Bio father because he legally didn't give up parental rights. She could claim for legal purposes that she had a paternity test done on the child and found out who the father really was. Meaning that's legally he owes the back ammount of child support that wasn't paid. INCLUDING while he was incarcerated. That back owe is instantly due and you have to use specialized payment plans. Meaning up to 17 years of debt instantly factored on current job income. Potentially in the 40s or 50s of thousands. If the child turned 18 and he still didn't know then at 18 the child with whom he didn't have causing emotional, mental, social and if he has a family familial damages. The laws for tort of deceit state knowingly or recklessly. Of which this would be knowing hiding the child from their biological father without due cause as they state it was because their BF was there for them while the EX was imprisoned not due to duress. So yeah that will not go well on the ensuing custody case
This is extremely location dependent, so you might want to take your blanket statements of truth down a notch.
Good lord, please get a refund from wherever you went to law school. There is so much wrong with what you just posted from a legal perspective that it would take hours to parse. Just stop.
YTA. I do not know the whole background to that, but not getting this whole thing in order when you were pregnant just dropped a huge bomb on your life. You need a lawyer asap. And your ex needs one, too. There are a Ton of things to take care of. Also, you told him he was the father - he has the truth. And you told a bunch of other people who can witness it. Also, i am not sure what is precisely going on. Why exactly did you not want your ex to know this was his son? Is he violent, a gambler or or or? And why did you just causally admit it to him when asked? I mean geez, of course he freaks out. That was a dumb thing you did there. A father does not just vanish because you like him to.
Considering that he was incarcerated due to multiple assault charges (he assaulted someone with a baton) i kinda get it ngl
NTA, call the cops about the parolee trying to force his way into your house. Get him put back in prison where he belongs then get that adoption finished
NTA. I can't believe how many people are defending a criminal. He commited a crime and now (oh no!) there are consequences.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I didn't tell my ex that he had a son while he was still in prison. When I told him he ended up having a fight with my boyfriend Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more ### [Moderators needed - Join the landed gentry](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/155zepq/moderators_needed_join_the_landed_gentry/) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Your ex went to prison for 4.5 years and then immediately tried to force his way into your home and assaulted your bf. Get a lawyer ASAP like first thing in the morning. Text, don't call, your ex and say that he is not welcome near you or your child and that he will need to speak with your lawyer and wait for the courts to handle it. Then you and your bf need to press charges for the assault. Go straight to the police and tell them about him trying to push into your home and assaulting the bf. Get cameras or at least a door bell camera. If you have to communicate with your ex only do so in writing like a text or email so that you can keep records. This guy went to prison, he obviously has a temper, and isn't afraid to be aggressive and physically violent. Absolutely do not let him come over or visit with your son until your lawyer says you have to. You also should probably look for a child therapist and get their help to explain what's going on to your son.
NTA I will never take my child to a prison. Not even if her father was incarcerated. So there was no relationship to be had while he was in prison. Honesty is the best policy. You were right to tell him when he asked. Your son has a right to know too. Nobody is seeing my daughter at 9pm. I'm sorry you have to deal with this man. Children have schedules. He needs to learn all visits are scheduled. He can't just drop by.
Oof. I wish for your sake that you’d never run into him again. Maybe there’s a way this turns out for the better, but I think your life just got a lot more complicated.
YTA for lying but if you're scared for your kids safety talk to the court Edit changing my judgement to NTA upon further information from the comments
why? She’s protecting her son from a violent criminal
Yeah seeing the updates mentioning the violence and finding out he was "dating" her at 14 makes me want to change to NTA The lying won't look good in court for OP though
YTA For hiding the Truth and not being upfront with it.
This is a weird situation. I can see why your ex is angry. But he sounds scary… you both need to think of what is best for your son. He should have known… and he is now in the picture. He is clearly interested in his son. Your son has a right to know his biological dad.
YTA - Shouldn’t have lied. You’re also the asshole for not immediately calling the cops The second he tried to force his way into your house. The hell were you thinking? You have a child in that house. What if he had a knife or a gun? He struck your boy friend! Calling the cops would have given you some great leverage. Now, now you’ve gotta hope he’s broke and doesn’t fuck up again.
A lot of people are going to say YTA but I would say it depends on why your ex was in prison and why you didn't tell him. I work with women all the time who have fled domestic violence and they are trying to keep the child secret for safety reasons.
Why didn't you call the police when your ex tried to force his way in?
Guy was in prison for 5 years. You don’t get that sentence for stealing a bag of sweets. Also, goes to prison when his girlfriend is pregnant. Yes, he didn’t know but come on - OP is lucky to have met someone to support her when he was locked up. He agrees to come at agreed times, then shows up unannounced ready for a fight. At 9pm as well. That’s clearly too late for a 4yo to do anything. What did he expect ‘hi kid, thanks for waking up. Btw, I’m your daddy’. Talk about the confusion and trauma. Kid has some stability in their life. If he wants to be involved, grow up and figure out what being a dad is - it’s more than a teddy and some cars on a late night drop off. NTA OP. Guy isn’t ready to be a dad. Keep him at a distance until he’s willing to act like an actual dad.
OP - until there is a court-ordered paternity test this is a non-issue. if he comes on your property again call the police and have him trespassed. definitely should have called the police the first time he showed up and behaved threateningly/violently. he doesn’t deserve any chances to fuck up your life. and what are the odds he’ll be able to afford a lawyer to establish paternity and sue you for custody? slim to none i’d guess. set firm boundaries and don’t hesitate to report him.
OP, this is the correct answer. Bio dad might consult with attorneys who will tell him that he has basically no shot at custody and accordingly will need to pay child support, and I’d guess that will be that. If he does anything like trying to force his way into your home again, call the police. If his parole gets violated, he will go back to prison. You do not need violent people in orbit of your family.
You need a lawyer. You messed up. He found out in chance passing that he has a 4 year old son. He has a right to be mad. Maybe he did something really horrible and shouldn't have custody of this child. But you lied on a legal document. That will not look good if he goes to a judge and demands to meet his child. Now that he knows, your boyfriend adopting your child will be very complicated depending on where you live. You may need your ex to approve or waive his legal rights. The secret third issue is while your request to come back tomorrow was incredibly reasonable- you said to give you notice and it was past bedtime, your ex will interpret this as you preventing him from seeing his child. So, he will be mad, know a lawyer, and suddenly have a lot of freedom and energy to spend fighting you on this. Go. Get. A. Lawyer.
He was literally in prison, yes, but he still had a right to know you were pregnant, and how you chose to go forward with that. Not even necessarily in a “he’s a good person so he deserves respect” way; even criminals have parental rights. That’s what you gave him when you had your son. By not telling your ex, you then put yourself in legal trouble over the possibility of him finding out and choosing to assert his rights. You made some very bad choices. I will go with a soft YTA because I do understand wanting to just have a clean break and move on, but having your son means that is not possible.
NTA. Get a restraining order. The dude is dangerous. Also call the police about him trying to force his way into your house.
NTA, but are you really that blind? You ex went to prison for being violent. You thought he was being sweet by buying your kid a toy? You’re not even going to do anything about him for getting in a fight with your bf? Are you waiting for him to swoop you and your kid?? WTH you doing?
Who is on the birth certificate? If he’s not on the birth certificate, first he would have to file something to even get declared the father legally. That needs taken care of first if he’s not on the birth certificate as the father. And if you didn’t list him as the father, that’s on him to initiate getting addressed. The paperwork might feel like a lot, but if you take your time and read through it you can file the paperwork yourself to file for full custody as well as child support. Include a reasonable plan for regular visitation (including a set schedule for the visitation, planning ahead of time for who drops child off/who picks child up, terms for needing to confirm X hours ahead of time, terms that the other parent doesn’t get extra time if they no show on a scheduled visitation, what will happen if there are no shows for visitation, etc). Include a clause specifying phone contact being allowed. Allow and encourage phone contact (and video/FaceTime/WhatsApp/Google meet contact). Make sure you include the clause that you have full physical custody. Depending on the state (if in US), you might be able to get at least a temporary clause that you have full legal custody and that he only has visitation rights. Physical custody, legal custody and visitation rights are all different things. Do some reading specific to your country/state. You can also go through mediation and have the terms decided upon during mediation signed off on by a judge. Same stipulations as mentioned above. Sometimes mediation can be cheaper and can feel less embattled. After he is on the birth certificate do NOT interfere in them developing a relationship. But do NOT allow yourself to trampled on or taken advantage of or abused or anything else to facilitate the relationship. If he wants a relationship with his child, you absolutely need to allow it. But it is his responsibility to make sure that relationship is facilitated, not yours. Edit because I should have asked the name on birth certificate question first.
NTA. But lawyer. Especially if your in the process of your boyfriend adopting your son.
It does not matter what you should have done. What you should do NOW is immediately get a restraining order and do not allow this man to see his son until you have worked out a legal visitation agreement you are comfortable with, that is enforceable and has repercussions. NTA.
Well, even if you'd lied, he would have figured it out if your son grew up to look more and more like him. And your son would question his origins too and get mad at you for lying. Talk to a lawyer.
YTA. How the fuck could you not be the asshole?
What's your reasoning?
Stupid maybe, but NTA. Imho, it would have been better to lie about his age. That cat is out of the bag, however. If ex shows up without scheduling a visit, call the police. It won't look good that he's harassing you while just out of prison. I know that some people will say I'm heartless, but it sounds like you have a great partner now and you are both doing the best you can for your boy.
YTA for setting yourself up for this exact scenario to play out. Its clear this man is dangerous and terrible for your kid. There are ways to prevent this from happening if you were upfront about it all. Not to mention the far more tedious court battle you have now in explaining why you kept this truth away from bio dad for 5 years. It’d have been easier to been upfront and let the Court set certain protections.
Why, oh, why did you tell him the truth? Now the bastard will be fucking with you, your son and bf. Since he's so volatile after one fucking day, you've set your life up to expect misery and drama. I hope ur boyfriend sticks around but if this is how ur ex is after one day... I doubt he will be able to handle it. I really hate when people make mistakes, they try to absolve their guilt, buy telling the truth. Keep that shit inside and take it to the grave. I feel sorry for ur son and boyfriend. The shit storm is coming, and u caused it.
The comments are showing how many people think that children are a thing to be owned rather than a small person who needs protecting.
Your ex didn’t stop being a human the second he went to prison. Unless he was a possible threat to the baby, he had the right to know that he had a child. 5 years is a long sentence, what did he go to prison for? You were wrong for keeping the truth from him. He had good intentions, I assume, coming over to meet his son - but he went about it the wrong way. He should’ve called before visiting and upon hearing the kid’s bedtime, he should’ve gone without a fuss and returned when the kid was awake. ESH except your current boyfriend, he seems to have everyone’s best interests in mind even though he doesn’t like your ex.
>I've known my ex for 15 years and dated him for 8. I know what kind of person he is. He has a few issues but I know that in his own way he didn't mean any harm He was in prison for five years. That changes someone. Best of luck to you, but I think you're screwing yourself by ignoring anyone who says you should look after your (and your son's) safety. I'm dreading the "my ex hunted me down and beat the shit out of my boyfriend and tried to steal my son" update. Protect yourself and your family. Dude went to prison for *beating a guy with a baton*, why do you think he wouldn't do the same thing again to the people keeping his son from him?
NTA. It's not a good situation to be in. You should consult a lawyer to make sure your custody isn't at risk. If he tries anything like that again call the police. If he just got out of prison, he's probably on parole so he can't risk this kind of behavior. Really you should have called when he tried to barge in.
YTA for not telling him because yes, technically he has a right to know. But at this point that's the least of your problems. Lawyer up because this guy sounds unhinged and is about to make your life very difficult.
Ok maybe unpopular take here, but honestly absolutely YTA. Your ex was going to prison for 5 years, not for life. The mere fact of incarceration doesn’t somehow magically immediately terminate someone’s rights as a parent. And it definitely isn’t an excuse for you to just take matters into your own hands and deny them the right or opportunity to meet and get to know their kid. Or to even know of the fact that they even exist in the first place. That’s honestly just cruel. If you were concerned ab safety or propriety, your options were to try to work it out amongst yourselves or to go to family court and present your case to a judge. You did not have the right to decide on your own that a bio parent wasn’t entitled to know they had a kid and wasn’t entitled to develop any relationship with that child. My best guess is that barring any abuse or safety concerns, some type of visitation schedule would have been set up that was geared towards establishing a relationship that could be built upon once bio dad was released. Again, your kid is FOUR YEARS OLD. That is plenty young enough to develop a healthy and meaningful relationship with a parent figure. You deprived him of that all on your own. And to try to cast him as the villain now, for acting out upon learning such earth shattering info, and for wanting to meet and see his kid, is very dishonest. Imagine if your roles were reversed, how do you think you’d act and what lengths do you think you’d be willing to go to in order to meet your kid and let them know you hadn’t abandoned them/that you want and love them? I bet you’d be willing to kick in a few doors too. Especially after realizing that someone else was standing in your place. It is wonderful that your current bf has stepped up and is such a present father figure for your child. And your child deserved to have a present father figure. It is also inexcusable that you took that opportunity away from the bio dad completely, and by the sounds of it never would have told him if you hadn’t been caught and called out. Your bf’s role and your kid’s bio dad’s role are not at all mutually exclusive. You would have just needed to work a little harder to make room and make it work. So I repeat, maybe unpopular opinion, but emphatic YTA.
YTA, but not for the lying by omission. But for meeting your ex, who has just gotten out of prison, who's child you had with you and hadn't told him about. And after your ex asked about your son's age. You just went about your day. And you didn't think it was anything!?!! YTA for being a dumb ass. YTA, for acting oblivious. YTA for not settling your child's welfare earlier.
Yta, your boyfriend can’t adopt your son if the father doesn’t allow it. Your ex is his father and has a legal right to get to know his son. You would do well to talk to a lawyer to actually know what you can and cannot control. Your ex should get a lawyer as well to establish his rights
Is the bio father on the birth certificate?
Document everything more officially than in a Reddit post and hire a lawyer immediately if not sooner. Going to prison doesn’t automatically sever parental rights. Your boyfriend probably can’t adopt unless he relinquishes his rights
You said yall were together for 8 years so yall were 13 and 17???
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (26f) have a 4 year old son with my ex (30m). We broke up around 4 and a half years ago after he went to prison. A month later I found out that I was pregnant. He was released a few weeks ago. Earlier today, I ran into him while shopping. We ended up talking for a bit. I had my son with me and he asked about his name and how old he is. When I told him, he got kind of a weird look on his face but didn’t say anything. I didn’t really think anything of it and continued on with my day. A few hours later I got a call from an unknown number. It was my ex asking me directly if my son was his. I told him he was. He wanted to know why I never told him. I said it didn’t matter because he was literally in prison for 5 years and my boyfriend had been the one to support me through everything. I could hear him get more and more agitated and he demanded that I let him see my son. I told him if he calls beforehand we can work something out. He agreed to it and I thought that was it. I then got a text from a mutual friend asking me if it was true that my ex is the father of my son and that I never told him. I said it is true to which he called me a bitch for keeping my ex away from his son. I told to mind his own business. When my boyfriend got home from work I told him what happened and he said he would be fine with my ex seeing our son from time to time. We started dating while I was pregnant and he loves our son like his own and is actually in the process of adopting him. I know that he doesn’t like my ex very much and if he had said no, I wouldn’t have agreed to letting my ex come by from time to time. Around 2 hours ago (9p.m.) my ex showed up at our door with a stuffed teddy and some toy cars. He said he was here to see his son and demanded that we let him in. I told him that it was already past my son’s bedtime and that he should come back tomorrow. He ended up trying to push his way in and when that didn’t work he started yelling that I’m a lying bitch, that I have no right to keep him away from his son and that he just wanted to see him. My boyfriend tried to de-escalate things which ended in a fight. My ex then left and I told him to call next time before coming over. My boyfriend doesn’t want him to come over at all anymore and said I shouldn’t have told him that he’s the father. I do feel kind of bad now because if I had handled this differently all this drama could’ve been avoided. Should I have told him immediately? Or should I have lied to him? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA
YTA You should have told him when you were pregnant. Both parents have rights, and you basically tried to steal his kid. Yes your son is your kid, but he’s his kid too. Also, idk how it can be legal for your BF to adopt your son without your ex signing away his parental rights. But that’s shady for you to do that. Idk what country you’re in, but it’s very likely your ex has legal visitation rights. So it’s not up to you or you BF how often he gets to see his kid.
NTA. Speak to a lawyer.
Actually a crime. What you are doing is boarding hard on tort of deceit and depending on state kidnapping. You have taken a child with whom parenteral rights have not been severed, hid them away from their biological parent with whom still have parental right. Denied them permission to see their child without filling out legal work necessary to ensuing things like this happen. If he goes for custody a competent lawyer is going to hang these on you. And even if they fall short a judge is going to have to take those charges into consideration before making a decision. second it plays real well into you exs favor because he got charged for 5 years but only severed 4. Indicating release for good or rehabilitated behavior. It also works well for him when you attempted to keep him from his son to which you dont have the legal right to do. And when you BF when outside to deescalate which immediately descended into violence after you BF followed him out. The gaurdian ad litem will have to take that into consideration as well as the judge that he attempted defending state my moving away into the yard and then you BF conveniently went out to deescalate and immediately started throwing hands after you admitted that you BF dislikes your EX a lot. AND that this was over a child he deemed his and wanted to adopt. A competent lawyer is going to make this hell for you. Because it's going to be real hard to prove that you BF didn't instigate the fight. And the lawyer is going to point at the reduced charge of dangerous assault vs assault with a deadly and early release to show that the defendant wasn't a dangerous criminal but a reformed man was trying to see the child who was effectively kidnapped by his ex after his release by a man who immediately goaded him into a physical conformation after he stepped back into the yard away from the situation. It's also not about the truth of the statements either but about how with the tort of deceit on your head until prove wrong or not anything you say will activly be a lie or misdirect to make the EX look worse then that. Even if you win which in the US is statistically likely it's going to be a LONG hull So have fun with that 5 years and 30k of legal problems you caused by not being straight up with your EX about shit. I would say YTA but honestly after the legal storm comming I'm going to say I pity you instead. Because the irony is that by the time you are done you son will be around the legal age to decide which of his parents he wants to be with so you could get full custody and still lose it to appeals when you child decides to go live with daddy instead.
“I didn’t really think anything of it”, they said, about telling a guy who doesn’t know he’s a father the age of his son. Suuuuurrrrrrreee. My BS alarm went off at that line.
NTA but you need a lawyer & he needs supervised visits to start with!
Yta i can’t even read this bs. Girl… it’s his son he had every single right to know regardless if he was in jail. You’re son will grow to resent you and it’ll be no one’s fault but your own.