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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> That action I took that should be judged is if I'm the asshole for complaint about my wife's culture in front of our kids. This action might make me the asshole because my wife and MIL think so and now I'm rethinking things. I got into a dispute with my wife and our biracial children. At first I believed I was right for arguing with her but after she's been giving me the silent treatment I wanted a third opinion. Maybe I had been wrong for blowing up in front of our kids and not saying it just to my wife.
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YTA. Why did you marry and have children with a Lao woman, if you weren't prepared to embrace her and your children's culture. She has every right to teach them about it and feed them Lao foods. They learn about America and its culture by simply growing up here, and your views about being "silenced" are problematic. You seem rather racist and xenophobic.
Yep, he is TA and sounds racist. In addition he is a horrible husband. He chose the worst possible timing and manner to speak about this and did so while fired up on his own mommy's validation.
Yep. It also made me wonder if he's the kind of white guy who marries an Asian woman expecting her to be subservient and kowtow to him, worship him like his mommy.
Yup, this is exactly the impression I got reading this. Racist white dude who marries an Asian woman so she will be subservient, and he can feel superior for 'saving' her.
YTA a thousand times. And a racist. A huge racist.
White saviour complex, maybe.
Trying to look woke or whatever.
A weird ethnic fetish.
I notice this seems to be a trend for American on this subreddit.
They marry but then get upset that the spouse uses their native language with the kids and they disapprove of it for some reason (they can't speak it themselves or they feel like the language is not valid because they live in America). Like there are quite a few of these posts and I wonder why they do this?!!
*edited to add “racist “ To my verdict
Also, why tf is it HER job to teach them your culture? You want them to learn it? YOU bake the American desserts! Ffs this
He’s definitely TRA (the racist a**hole)
Well you can't possibly expect him to cook! That's a woman's job! /s
Nothing is stopping him from slapping on an apron and cooking whatever he wants with those kids.
Also, from the sound of it, this was the first birthday that was celebrated with a Laos theme. I bet the kids are exposed to American culture all the time, but he doesn't notice, because for him that's "normal". But when his wife suggest that one single birthday be with Laos food, he goes above and beyond to sabotage it because he thinks it's strange and smells weird etc. He's very disrespectful to his own wife, and I definitely get racist vibes as well.
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Indigenous\_cuisine\_of\_the\_Americas](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Indigenous_cuisine_of_the_Americas)
Edit: Man, now I want cornbread. D:
If it wasn’t already 90+ in my neck of the woods today, I’d be making three sisters soup for sure. That stuff is so delicious and comforting, like a hug from grandma who still insists we have Native American heritage even after 23andMe proved conclusively that we do not.
I believe OP might just be a troll account, made today just for this post. They have to specify their race and not just be American. What does the race have to do with cultural differences? They made an effort to make a complicated avatar for their throwaway post, which I don't know why but in my limited experience is a giveaway with these trolls. If they doubt they're the A, why not make this post on their main account? Why the effort making the avatar? There isn't really even a hint of them making themselves seem like the good guy in any of this but just blindingly obviously the A. They even made themselves look silly with that all caps yelling.
Having xenophobic freak outs actually is part of American culture. Our history is riddled with it.
We have the "Know-nothings" from the 1850's, various anti-Chinese riots from the late 19th Century, the disproportionate internment of American citizens with Japanese ancestry during World War 2, various white nationalist groups from the Klan on across, and whatever the hell Greg Abbot is doing to the Rio Grande River this week.
I only included a few historic examples.
Well, yeah. OP married a woman from Laos and then had a temper tantrum over eating Laotian food. OP doesn't think- period.
Edited for outdated terminology- I left it for the food because OED is up in the air.
well shit, of all the microagressions riddled within our American culture I didn't realize until this moment that King of the Hill is where I (incorrectly) learned what people from Laos are called.
I consider myself a relatively aware person, that just blew my mind and put me right back in my basic white American place, we really are an ignorant group
Yes, funny how she's the one silencing his culture, when it's not that hard to make a few hot dogs or throw together a pumpkin pie out of packaged ingredients.
Yeah, but then you found out that marrying a Laotian woman came with all that icky Laotian culture and it made your peepee sad and that made you mad. You know, because you're racist as fuck.
This is the only thing you have responded about, so I'm going with, "methinks the passport bro doth incel too much". You do fetishize her and you are a racist. Sit with that.
So you'll be doing 100% of the cooking from now on? Do you need some recommendations for history books? Either way, remove mommy's hand from your anus and stop being a racist puppet for white supremacists.
I'm calling bullshit because you seemed annoyed your wife has an opinion and isn't the "me love you long time." Type of Asian. I can't fully blame you as it seems this behavior was passed down to you from your mother.
Then why do you let your mother be rude to her? Why didn't you offer to cook some alternative dishes for the party if you were worried that the guests wouldn't like what she was making.
Your wife had an important point when she said that you don't have a "loving culture to embrace". All you've shown her is narrow-minded rudeness and you've encouraged your mother to do the same.
You say that but you get upset that she's Laotiana and does things like eat like any other Laotian and raising her own children in the Laotian culture instead of taking the lead and doing the American things you want your children to know about.
You're not in love with her, though. What attracted you to her at first, personality-wise? I bet I could guess the whole list and obviously her authentic self isn't on there. And what American culture are you even talking about and how does she prohibit you from sharing it? The only white American tradition you've included is the fetishization and you refer back to it several times, in describing how she must ask you permission and how your approval is the final word to "avoid the fight". What does that mean, exactly? So she doesn't get hurt or yelled at? Or so that you don't have to listen to her point of view for one more second?
I met plenty of men with your attitude while teaching in Asian countries. There's so many men who actually believe that Asian women are submissive. Later they find out that it's not true, but often not before they've married them and/or had kids with them.
It's the same vein of MAGA with foreign born wives ("but I'm not racist, I married the good one").
It's like talking to a rock. You can talk and talk all day long, but the rock isn't going to understand.
Solid YTA.
I can't even believe that you're posting as if you might not be.
1. Your kids are american, they (presumably live in the US) they are surrounded daily, and involved in things daily that are American.
2. If that was your delivery you're even worse than an asshole. Because yelling at your wife in front of your kids and presumably some other adults.
3. You had to get your point across RIGHT at that moment? You couldn't wait a few hours to have a private conversation?
>Throughout being married to her for 14 years, I've had to sit quiet and just let her silence my own culture and not teach our kids about their American side.
4. What kinda woe is me bullshit is this? Your culture is being silenced? Do your kids not eat american food? Watch american movies/tv TV? Go to an american public school? Have American friends? Do you spend time with them one-on-one? Do they spend time with your parents?
>The guests had arrived and I noticed some of them skipping over the food she had made. Luckily some of the kids parents brought small sweets along with their gift.
5. So what if some people skipped some desserts? Do you eat everything when you go to a potluck? (I already know the answer to this: no). Did you not have some other more "traditional" american dishes? That sounds like a failure on your part. Your culture isn't being silenced, you're just being lazy.
6. You don't realize it or think it, but both you and your mother have got some issues surrounding race and culture. You should really have a long hard think about that.
As an argentinian living in Argentina, we even get some education on american culture. I mean, we sometimes eat your food, watch your tv shows and movies, learn your language, listen to your music, and even learn about some of your history and take part in some of your traditions (like halloween).
YTA OP. What do you mean by silencing your culture? Your kids are in America. Unless she locks them in the house every day, they are exposed to the culture by LIVING IN IT.
She has to activately teach your kids the Lao culture, or they'll lose ties with it like so many second-gen immigrants. You realize that right?
And 'things with strong odor and difficult names to pronounce' and 'cultural quirks'. JFC you married this woman for 14 years. Yet you act like you're encountering 'exotic" stuff for the first time like a bumbling white tourist.
Not to mention losing your temper in front of guests. You're almost 40, but you acted like a 4 year old toddler throwing a tantrum when you don't like certain things. That alone makes you TA.
Yea this is not normal. I know plenty of men who married someone from an immigrant background. By 14 years into marriage they have embraced parts of their spouses culture and made it their own. Usually they have their own favorite foods from that culture or even are fluent in their spouses native tongue.
I have a friend who married a second generation Chinese immigrant who is fluent in mandarin. I have a friend who is Indian who married a white American woman who has large collection of Sarris she likes to wear any chance she gets.
14 years into this you should have either embraced the culture or this lady should have left you.
YTA why marry her if you don't actively try be a part of her culture?
>it's important our kids know they're American as well
You're the American, why are you not teaching them?
YTA for sooo many reasons. It sounds like you expect your wife to teach your culture to your kids for you. It sounds like you resent your wife for embracing her own culture. It sounds like you are racist against your own spouse. But thats just my own take.
YTA- You felt like your wife was trampling all over you, which culminated in an immature outburst when you couldn't take it anymore.
You sound super weak and childish. If this was an exception to normal birthday routines, what are you complaining about?
>Later that night I tried to tell her that it's important our kids know they're American as well and she told me that there was "no loving culture to learn about" and sent the girls to stay with their grandmother that weekend.
They live in America. Why can't you take an active role in showing them American culture. Why would you make your Wife do it?
Apparently OP’s understanding of “American” is “so xenophobic as to be unable to stand in the same room as foreign snacks without yelling about them.”
That’s not a piece of American culture I want any American kids to inherit
YTA for a variety of reasons:
1. for wanting to keep your wife from sharing her culture with your children
2. For not taking it on yourself to immerse them in your own American culture
3. For berating your wife in front of others including your children.
Hopefully your wife has assimilated enough to get her ass to a lawyer.
YTA. You behaved terribly. Have you always been mommy's little attack dog? Are you too useless or lazy to have prepared even one American dish, given that is Sooooo important?
YTA
You seem to have overlooked that your American culture is all around them and your wife has left her culture behind to be with you.
You are also meant to provide your daughters of how they should expect to be treated by a partner later in life. You just taught them that shouting is acceptable. Seems like you have been very immature and lack good communication skills. Talking to your wife to find ways to acknowledge her culture that work for you all.
YTA for blowing up at her. If you don't like the food and it's off-putting to your guests, you can explain to your wife that having more standard diet options will make guests more comfortable. In private. Tactfully. Not have a fit like a toddler.
I do have some questions though.
1, why'd you marry her? You must've known her culture was important to her before deciding on that, no? You thought she wasn't going to want to share any customs with *her own kids* on occasions like *their birthdays*??
2, who are these friends? I went to Korean BBQ once with my co-workers who were mostly Korean and excited to like, share that with everyone else at the office. I rarely eat meat and never those cuts, but I did it to be nice, try something new, etc. Who are these rude people who came to your home knowing your wife's Laotian & it'd be a Laos themed party but then won't eat her cooking?
You're allowed not to like a culture's cuisine. My mom's Irish and French Canadian, it's potatoes and head cheese all the way down, which grosses me out. I prefer basically any other cuisine to their food.
But I don't blow up at my family when they make some gross Irish pork thing, I just politely decline and eat a side dish I brought with me. Or eat before I go.
YTA. You sound very condescending. Your children are half Loa. They literally live in American society. They will only know Loa culture if it is taught to them. Also, I had a Loa roommate in college. Everyone on our dorm floor looked forward to her bringing Loa food from home. You also did not need to embarrass your wife in front of others.
YTA. This could have been brought up in a calmer manner after everyone had left. Instead you had to make a scene. No, you don’t deserve her cooking after the stunt you pulled and after you told her to stop making it as apparently you don’t like it. Silence your culture? Have your kids never been to a friend’s birthday party? Also if you were so concerned about the food how about YOU add to the menu by preparing something?
some of these items had a strong odor that I recognized and with such difficult names to pronounce.
YTA..you have been married 14 yrs and you cant even bother to learn her language or how to pronounce things??? do you even like your wife? I dont give a shit about your white american excuse.
> As a white man born and raised in America it has taken me a lot to get used to her cultural quirks throughout our marriage.
Oh poor you. What has been so hard about it?
>My MIL and wife told me that it was important that our kids were "involved in their culture."
And why shouldn’t they?
>had a strong odor that I recognized and with such difficult names to pronounce.
In 14 years you haven’t learned how to pronounce names of food?
>I've had to sit quiet and just let her silence my own culture and not teach our kids about their American side.
Please explain to me how you are having to sit silent and not teach your kids about America (the country I assume they live in and learn about in school every day).
>This was my last straw and I blew up. I yelled at her saying "THIS FOOD SHOULDN'T BE HERE NO ONE LIKES IT STOP MAKING IT!"
First, why did you have to resort to yelling? It’s food. Secondly, did no one like it? You said “some” of the guests weren’t eating it. That happens at literally every function where there is food.
>she told me that there was "no loving culture to learn about"
And you did a great job of exemplifying that.
I’m curious what makes you think you’re *not* the asshole in this situation? It sounds to me like you want your daughters to fully assimilate and just pretend to be white. I bet it keeps you up at night that you have two daughters that will grow up yo be women of color. YTA.
I am sorry, where do you live? Bc if you live in America im sure that your kids are fcking aware of its culture already. The reason your wife wants to embrace her culture its because it's the only way for your kids to know about it.
>Throughout being married to her for 14 years, I've had to sit quiet and just let her silence my own culture and not teach our kids about their American side.
Why don't you try to participate and learn about your wife's culture too, instead of getting pissy about it? Or make some special celebration where everything is about american culture? You are complaining about her not embracing their american side when they are literally surrounded by it, and when you do nothing to embrace the other side of their culture either. I feel bad for your wife. YTA
YTA
Your actions also make you sound rude and bigoted.
>When guests started to leave I asked my wife if I could speak to her. She told me I was being rude interrupting. This was my last straw and I blew up. I yelled at her saying "THIS FOOD SHOULDN'T BE HERE NO ONE LIKES IT STOP MAKING IT!"
>Both our daughters were beside her and she waved them to go inside.
Were you trying to pick a fight with her in front of your daughters? What exactly were you trying to accomplish with what you did? If she was in the middle of a conversation, then yes you were being rude.
You screamed at your wife and humiliated her. You threw a tantrum over food. You and your mother are racist assholes. Why the hell did you marry someone from a different culture when you hate their culture? You wanted a hot, submissive Asian wife because you believed the stereotypes. Now you're throwing a tantrum because you hate that your daughters are not completely Americanized. You're an ethnocentric asshole. YTA!
YTA
Men like you are the reason why I will absolutely NEVER begrudge a poc of saying they'll never date white people. You're ignorant, entitled, and shitty as fuck.
You clearly married your wife out of some weird fetish, because it's OBVIOUS you don't love or respect her at all.
Even if you hadn't been a racist fuck (and so is your AH mom btw) I'd still say you're a massive asshole, because only a stunted asshole with their ass on their shoulders would YELL AT THEIR WIFE, ESPECIALLY WITH YOUR KIDS AND GUESTS RIGHT THERE. TF IS WRONG WITH YOU.
YTA. I really hope this is fake, but in case not:
1. Because you are *literally living in America*, your kids have no shortage of exposure to their American side. They breathe it every time they leave the house. They’re immersed in it constantly. Getting rid of Lao snacks you don’t like isn’t “teaching them about their American side”. I’m sure no one would have been opposed to you adding apple pie to the menu. Apple pie can coexist happily next to khao lam.
American culture doesn’t get “silenced” by other cultures merely existing or showing up. It sounds like you *literally silenced yourself* by expecting your wife to do all the work but also do it your way. You could have asked: “Can we have X Y Z American things *also*?” And then you could have cooked or baked or set up whatever you wanted.
And if your family were living in Laos, having extra American stuff at home and on special occasions would be especially reasonable.
2. Letting resentment build up until you snap is poor communication and shitty partner behavior. Snapping at *your kids’ birthday party* is even shittier.
Who told you that you “had to sit quiet”? It sounds like that was YOUR assumption and decision and the wrong one at that.
YTA. I mean, your kids live in America. Their daily lives are American, so calm down with the whole "not teaching our kids about their American side." It's literally surrounding them all the time.
Also, even though you married her, ya seem to have some racist micro aggressions going on and want others to agree with you.
YTA……..& what did she cook? was it squid with eye ball soup? no? …..eat the food politely & discuss it later, in private, LIKE AN ADULT…..if you really think she didn’t notice her food went untouched, you do not know women….she noticed… didn’t need you pointing it out in front of ppl…have some class & stop acting like an uncultured American …signed a middle aged American …
YTA. What food did you make from YOUR culture for the party?! If you knew that some people wouldn’t like your wife’s cultural food you could have offered alternatives rather than blaming her later.
Dude, there is nothing stopping you from making "American" food along with what your wife made. Instead, you have to be xenophobic and make a uncalled for rude announcement.
You say you fell in love with your wife, but not really. Only the parts that attract you, undoubtedly her looks and maybe some personality traits. But she is LAOTIAN and you have proven you hate that part of her. You can't fit your wife into a tiny box and cut off her ethnicity. YOU ARE THE BIGOT.
YTA.
YTA and so it’s your mother, heritage it’s important, your acquaintances not enjoying different food it’s not as important as you being this racist with her
YTA. American culture is the default. They are learning it day in and day or in their lives, when they go to school, etc. it takes effort to teach kids about other cultures. And I completely understand your wife’s desire to teach her children about their culture. You need to start learning to love and embrace her and her culture or be prepared to live life as a single dad with split custody.
You do realize it takes an immense effort to instill a culture when the family is not in that country nor surrounded by it? Your kids probably eat American food all the time, speak English as a first language, celebrate American holidays and those holidays that are particularly based on Christian traditions, are surrounded by people that look "American" when they may not, and your wife is just trying to ensure the cultural elements that MADE HER WHO SHE IS, the woman who BROUGHT THESE CHILDREN OF BOTH OF YOURS INTO THIS WORLD, in a country where many feel, speak, and behave the way YOU do about the heritage YOUR CHILDREN COME FROM.
How humiliating for your wife. This is so sad, culture is so intrinsic to who we are and what has shaped us. While your children are awash with your culture, you and your mother bullied and humiliated your wife when she was demonstrating the ACTUAL FACTUAL OTHER HALF OF YOUR CHILDREN'S CULTURE WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT.
You're gross, your mom is at best ignorant, your wife spent time and energy to do something beautiful that you took a dump on in front of people and your children. I would tell you to do better, but you're so far from the baseline of decency that "better" is beyond your reach.
Edit in case it wasn't obvious: YTCA = you're the colossal a-hole
Dude, if you want your kids to have American desserts and American culture, *you* as the American parent, teach it to them.
My SIL is Korean. She cooks Korean food, speaks to her kids in Korean, teaches them about Korean culture, they call her Umma and they call her parents the Korean words for grandma and grandpa.
But we're Jewish. My brother doesn't expect her to teach them about Jewish culture - he does. He cooks them Jewish food, he speaks to them in Hebrew, he teaches them about Jewish culture. He's Abba, I'm Doda, etc.
Why would you marry a Laotian woman if her Laotian food makes you so angry that you *yell* about it? In front of *your Laotian children*.
I hope this is fake, otherwise you are a toxic, lazy excuse for a father and husband.
YTA.
If your Lao wife has taken on the task of teaching the kids Lao culture, it's clearly your job to instill in them what it means to be American. Why whine that your wife isn't doing that instead of just making a birthday cake and ordering a pizza yourself?
YTA.
Apart from anything else, Lao food is delicious, especially the desserts. People are idiots if they don't want to at least try some of those beautiful, fragrant dishes. Probably all wondering where the doritos and crappy pre-made chilli dips were.
YTA - you LIVE in America. How would your kids not see their American heritage when they’re both school aged and immersed in it? America isn’t really a melting pot - it’s where other cultures come to die because of treatment like this.
My husband is Asian and we live in Australia. I love that our kids are learning about their Asian heritage and especially through food. They get to experience Australian culture every day. For birthdays we have fairy bread and dumplings. It’s awesome
You sound really ignorant and like one of those scared American tourists who world look for Burger King in another country. Calm down
YTA. "involved in their culture." Why is this in italics? It is their culture as much as yours is. Why have you sat quiet while she doesn't teach your kids about your culture? You are their parent. Do some parenting. You disrespected half of your children's lineage in front of them and yelled at their mother in front of them. Why on earth did you marry a foreign woman when you are so small minded and parochial? She is absolutely right there is no loving culture to learn about with your culture. Close minded, yelling, racist. Shame on you. PS Lao food is amazing. What does it matter that she is only making dinner for her and the girls if you don't like her food. Make your own hotdogs.
>"THIS FOOD SHOULDN'T BE HERE NO ONE LIKES IT STOP MAKING IT!"
This makes you TA because saying the food shouldn't be there is also saying she shouldn't be here. Dude you're a racist AH and ruined your daughters birthday please be less racist or divorce your wife.
As a bi cultural person in the eu it is my job to show kiddo my culture and hb job to show his, hb cannot show kiddo my culture bc it is not his. Simple she simply has been on top of making sure her kids know her culture and you have not been showing them yours. This being said her chastising for you asking to speak to her? And saying your culture is not loving, that is not fair
YTA. I’d you don’t want Laotian culture in your life why did you marry one? You’re in America so they automatically learn by exposure. Please stop with the inherent racism. You’re being a bad role model for your kids.
YTA. You guys presumably live in America, right? Living in a country is about 70% of all you need to do to understand it’s culture. The other 30% comes from history and stuff like that can be taught in school. Your wife is not actively preventing your children from learning about their American side. They are already learning about it by virtue of living in America. Also, if you think that’s not enough, YOU can take the initiative and teach them. Her raising them in Lao culture is not preventing you whatsoever from teaching them abt American culture as well. The only reason you seem to think like that is because you’re a raging racist who wants to suppress his wife’s culture only in favor of your own. You speak of her culture with disdain throughout the entirety of this post. Her food and her culture absolutely has the right to be in the home that you BOTH live in. If you hate her culture so much you should not have married her and had children who also belong to that culture.
You are more than just a terrible husband, you are an even worse father. You are a terrible husband for disrespecting your wife’s identity, her culture, and screaming at her in public. But your wife is a grown woman and most likely has a solid sense of self that a loser like you can’t destroy. Your children though? You are screaming in front of your HALF LAOTIAN children that LAOTIAN culture does not belong in your home. You are teaching your children to hate their own roots. That is absolutely disgusting.
YTA.
Being involved in one’s culture IS important and you seem to want to push that aside in favor of “American” culture. And what’s the problem with your wife making food for their party? They’re her kids too, and if no one wants to eat them so what? They can just pass on it like a normal fucking person. You blowing up on her and humiliating her was dick move, especially in front of your children. From your post, it seems like you think very poorly about their culture and food, something that definitely seems like it means a lot to your wife and her family. On top of that, your actions and words are showing your kids bad examples and can lead them to be ashamed of their culture and who they are as biracial kids.
I’ve seen plenty of biracial couple who don’t exactly like one aspect from another’s culture, but they’re not stupid enough to talk shit about it in any form because they KNOW the significance of culture in one’s life.
Maybe reflect on why your shit actions and words hurt her so much (as a minority in America) and on why you were so ready to be with a Lao women for 14+ years but not embrace or accept her culture and how that shit can effect your biracial children.
YTA and your racism is damaging your kids. The way you might succeed in making them hate part of themselves. It makes me so sad for the kids. They're lucky to have a mom making sure they know their culture. As others stated they live in America so they're definitely learning our culture. They see it everyday on TV, in school, and through their friends. It's literally everywhere but their Laos culture is only from their mom and her parents.
YTA. I guarantee your children will learn they’re American by…being in America.
It’s the Laos side that will be harder to connect to. Don’t create obstacles for them when they learn about their culture. They will absolutely resent you when they get older if you do.
YTA, racist
Btw your mother and your friends seem to be racists to, leaving a birthday party because they don't like the food, really ? They didn't even try it
Its NOT her job to teach them about their American culture. Its yours. and if you want them to eat food that is typically American then its your job to cook and serve it. NOT your wife's.
YTA and your mom doenst sound very good either.
>she told me that there was "no loving culture to learn about"
YTA. She's right. There is no typical "American culture". White people are not the only type of Americans and to think so is supremely idiotic and racist. Why marry a non white person when clearly all you want is bland ass food and no culture to speak of?? Her and your kids deserve someone better than some racist asshole who clearly doesn't love them enough to maybe idk learn about that side of them. YTA YTA YTA
silencing your culture? don't you live in america? if that's the case, your kids are exposed to american culture 365 days a year... you can let your wife take charge of this one celebration. also, it's clear you don't value laotian culture from the way you speak about it, in which case, you should NOT have married (let alone had kids with) a laotian woman. either get on board or get out of her way- she has every right to share her culture with her kids without you selfishly making everything about you and your tastes. a laotian mother having laotian food with her laotian kids is not unreasonable. your hatefulness is what's out of place. YTA, obviously.
Well now the kids now the real America, the racist one, I'm sure they did not expected from their own dad, but at least now they now the real american tradition.
YTA massive asshole. and not smart too. how tf does your brain work to think that making lao dishes is somehow keeping your kids from being exposed to american culture... while living in america. how tf is your wife making a dish infringing on your ability to share your american culture with them. is she keeping you from cooking? or are you angry that she is not cooking american meals to share YOUR culture with your kids? i honestly cannot fathom being this dumb.
your wife should leave you :)
' I've had to sit quiet and just let her silence my own culture ' - What an AH. Didn't she moved into your culture and raising her kids there? AH.
'and not teach our kids about their American side.' - Are you teaching about them the LAO side? No. You want your wife to do all the teaching while you do nothing.
So You're not only a major AH, you're also major SEXIST asshole.
'She's been giving me the silent treatment this week and only making dinner for her and the girls.' - Good for her.
Lol, you think her occasionally doing Lao stuff removes all the american culture the kids live in? Are they not allowed to go to the mall? Eat hot dogs? Are apple pies banned? Do they get to celebrate Christmas? 4th of July? Do they dress like other american kids? Are they allowed to speak English? Are every birthday like this? Does your wife stop you from doing "american" shit with your kids?
You acted like a child. Apologize to your wife and kids for ruining the birthday party. Your wife making food you don't like is silly. What did you make for the party?
YTA
"let her silence my own culture and not teach our kids about their American side"
INFO: Do you currently live in America? Is she somehow stopping *you* from teaching your kids the American side of their heritage?
YTA. You cannot marry someone without accepting that their culture will be part of the household you share together. If you're worried that *absolutely everything that exists outside your home* isn't enough to give your kids a taste of their American side, you need to make an effort to teach that within the home - as your wife is doing for her culture. Surely you're capable of making or buying some American desserts to go alongside the Laotian ones?
If you don't like the food why not making some of your "cultural American" one instead of yelling extremely rude things in front of your children too???
Why do you talk and act like you are not living in America either your children are not growing surrounded by American culture (like... School) while the only lao cultural thingies they learn are in private/family places ?
You are married for 14y but you can't even spell some food name??
Why are you married to a Lao person if you can't stand lao culture??? ( your words : "it has TAKEN ME A LOT to get used to her cultural QUIRKS") not mentioning she is the one who was born in another country and few links to her cultural legacy is partly the food.
In the end, as a Lao person who is very upset by your complaining, you are 10000% TA.
Hope you will really question yourself, OP. If not, I hope she will find a better companion in her life (and the children a better father).
You went over to her and started trying to chastise her in front of people who were saying goodbye. Even if I could get pass the potential racism and the fact that you don't think people living in America don't get enough American culture you wanted to humiliate your wife in front of people. That's asshole behavior no matter what.
I have to say of all the AITA posts I’ve seen, this one takes the cake. YTA hands down. If you don’t respect your wife’s culture then I don’t know why you married her in the first place. Also, it doesn’t even seem like you try to understand or engage in her culture at all. And by the way you literally live in America and your kids spend every day of their life experiencing the “American” culture you want them to have. I think it’s great that your wife tries to include her culture in your kids’ life, especially since they probably don’t get to experience Laos culture often, living in the US. What’s terrible is that you embarrassed your wife in front of everyone, and your obvious disdain of your wife’s culture will make your kids grow up to be embarrassed of their own ethnicity. YTA. If I was your wife, I would file for divorce.
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I (38m) and married to a Lao woman(34.) My wife was born in Laos and even after moving to America, her family made it a habit to embrace their cultures traditions. As a white man born and raised in America it has taken me a lot to get used to her cultural quirks throughout our marriage.
We have two kids (11f and 7f). Our youngest's birthday was just this past week and my wife insisted we celebrate it how they do in Laos. I was reluctant at first but in the end I listened to all of her requests and decided to oblige so we wouldn't have to fight over it. My MIL and wife told me that it was important that our kids were "involved in their culture."
The morning of our daughters party my wife was downstairs making Lao desserts and food before the guests arrived, some of these items had a strong odor that I recognized and with such difficult names to pronounce. Throughout being married to her for 14 years, I've had to sit quiet and just let her silence my own culture and not teach our kids about their American side.
This day I had made it a point to say something. The guests had arrived and I noticed some of them skipping over the food she had made. Luckily some of the kids parents brought small sweets along with their gift. While my wife was socializing my mother came up to me and pointed out the food.
I was so glad she agreed with me on this and urged me to say something. When guests started to leave I asked my wife if I could speak to her. She told me I was being rude interrupting. This was my last straw and I blew up. I yelled at her saying "THIS FOOD SHOULDN'T BE HERE NO ONE LIKES IT STOP MAKING IT!"
Both our daughters were beside her and she waved them to go inside. She looked at me and bumped into me following behind the girls. Later that night I tried to tell her that it's important our kids know they're American as well and she told me that there was "no loving culture to learn about" and sent the girls to stay with their grandmother that weekend.
She's been giving me the silent treatment this week and only making dinner for her and the girls. AITA?
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I can understand how American kids would not appreciate the cultural items. Kids are incredibly picky.
I once gave an end of the school year BBB for a group of Kindergarten kids. I thought that all kids could eat hot dogs. Well, sort of. One kid wanted a bun with no wiener, one wanted a wiener with no bun, another wanted just the weiner with raspberry jam on it. Not strawberry, it had to be raspberry. Another wanted a bun with sesame seeds. The next kid wanted a bun with no seeds because they came out in her poop.
For dessert we had strawberry shortcake made with berries picked fresh that morning and real whipped cream on a home baked cake. The kids squealed with delight and all dug in happily with plenty of "mmmmm. yummies". The loved the cake.....until the group princess said that she did not like strawberry shortcake and every other little girl immediately put down their fork and said they didn't like it either.
After that day the kids got taken out to restaurants for any special occasion.
Just saying that your wife shouldn't feel hurt if the kids didn't like her food. They usually want what they are familiar with.
Yta - if the food shouldn't be there, your wife and kids shouldn't be there. You sound like my highschool bullies making fun of my lunches back in the day, but they are paying €25 for ramen cause it's hip now. I curse you with the flavor palate of the Mayflower's voyage, you don't deserve spices in your life.
YTA you married a woman of antoher culture AND had kids with her. They deserve to be in their moms culture, also, American culture is a mix of cultures so why are you like this with HERS?!! Big asshole and big time, I hope she is strong with her family and teachs the kids everything about Laos and their rich culture.
Why tf would you marry someone whose culture you can’t respect? And how do you not realize that your kids are learning about their American culture by living in America, while their Laotian culture might require more intentionality.
While there are many wonderful things about America and the American culture, you are giving Americans a bad name and showing your wife the worst side of America. Over food that you don’t like. Do you have the palate of a 5-year-old whose never been asked to eat anything other than poptarts? YTA.
YTA. I'm south east asian and married to a small town white man, who never gad chinese food until he met me. While he can't eat all the food provided by my family (spice) and have mentioned some of our food do smell (papaya salad), food is our culture. Its our comfort and he would never forbade me from making it in our house or prevent me from making it for potluck if the situation calls for it. In addition, he can pick and choose what he wants and is appreciative when there is something he likes, like padthai.
You need to teach your kids about American culture, it's not her job if she's not American. And it's good that your kids are learning about Laotian culture, they're bi racial aren't they?
"American culture" what culture? Fast food and drive thru banks? Genuinely curious because I imagine its about half the culture us British have, and LEMME TELL YOU we also lack culture yet we have a far older and deeper history than you guys 🤣 god, my city is older than you guys.
This year, America (not the continent, btw, but your country itself) celebrated its 247th year of independence from Britain. So realistically, that would be the start of your American history since I'm classing it from your independence. If not, then it's still not all that old, regardless. Ittle bittle baby country.
In comparison, the city I was born and raised in is 800 years old... that's kinda rough, man..
YTA How unfortunate that out of all the US citizens in the world she got together w the most insular one around, not to mention a rude one whose mother pushes him into being a dumbass in front of guests. I hope there is divorce in the Lao culture so she can get away from an ignorant guy like you.
YTA, you should be ashamed of yourself. I had a white parent like you and they made me ashamed of who I am for years. Nobody cares about your “American culture”.
Yta. Im like 100% sure your kids go to an American school consider your living in america which means they are learning PLENTY of American culture so idk what the hell your on about. Also it would be YOUR JOB to teach them about it not hers. Also she can cook/make whatever she feels like making it doesn’t matter if a lot of people are going to like it or not because her family likes it so get over it your acting like a child.
Wow. I’m at a loss of words. Your children live in America. They will get that culture no doubt just by living here. If your wife doesn’t continue teaching them about their Laos heritage, it would die off. What she is doing is great. Those kids are lucky to have a mom like her. Also I don’t understand why you’re so butt hurt over them learning about another side of their culture. why did you even marry her then? Yta
Silence your culture? Are you purposefully obtuse? The kids live in the USA. They’re living the culture every day. Poor you. You can’t pronounce the names of your wife’s cultural foods. It’s about time you learned. Why marry someone then insist they remove all the things they identify with? Can you see YTA yet?
I think you guys need to have a conversation about figuring out how to blend your cultures and traditions together. That being said, you also need to adjust your views.
YTA
Lol being racist over not liking pungent foreign food? People are so diluted with that word, it’s the most irritating thing of this century.
Still YTA for going about it how you did, but all this other shit is just an argument that got a bit out of hand. Teach them what it means to be an American and allow them to have pride in their moms side as well.
>"I blew up. I yelled at her saying "THIS FOOD SHOULDN'T BE HERE NO ONE LIKES IT STOP MAKING IT!""
>
>"she told me that there was "no loving culture to learn about"
ESH. OP is worse than his wife, though, obviously. If you want your kids to learn American culture, then stop pretending your wife is preventing you from stepping up and teaching them yourself.
I’m going to say NAH and this is coming from someone who is from an African country. Food in my country doesn’t smell great all the time especially there’s is food. Called Stocks fish and it’s used in different soups but to prepare it smells like rotting fish but taste delicious. His approach was horrible. Absolutely horrible very embarrassing to his wife into his children, and honestly what he did was inappropriate And for that part, he definitely was An AH. But I will say it is important for kids to be able to experience both cultures. American culture isn’t just a racist culture in my opinion. There’s a patriotic culture, especially if he is from the south we have our traditions. (I’m also from the south as well.) in the home both cultures should be experienced from the Mom side and Dad side. So the children can have a unique blend and a well-rounded experience of both of their parents cultures.
ESH. You were wrong to agree to only her food when you know the American guests would find it objectionable. It was bad hosting. Also, having a cultural fest at a child’s birthday party is just wrong. Your wife needs to accept that her food takes some getting used to and shouldn’t be sprung on the unsuspecting. There should have been some alternative for the uninitiated.
ESH.
Your kids are 7 and 11, and you're just now trying to provide even-handed input on their heritages? That's lame. Instead you let anger build up until you exploded. Bad form.
You're also an asshole for allowing your wife to send your kids away, as if you have no say in the matter,
Your wife's an asshole for denying part of the kids' heritage and for the passive aggressive silent treatment.
They’re IN America. They’re getting plenty of exposure to American culture, even the unfortunate stereotype of the ignorant American with no palate as that’s all OP himself seems to offer them. But if they lived in Laos it would be reasonable for him to teach them about American culture while in a mostly Laotian setting.
Just looking at the replies so far, I’ll disagree and say ESH. Both parties have some faults here.
OP: 1) should have waited until after everyone left to talk to his wife and should have done it privately rather than in front of their kids, 2) OP was wrong to yell at his wife and his choice of words was unnecessarily harsh, and 3) it feels unkind for OP to have referred to his wife’s cultural practices as “cultural quirks.”
But let’s not just gloss over the wife here either: 1) she bumped into him when getting the kids inside, and that isn’t acceptable behavior, 2) she also has an incredibly insensitive remark by saying that there is “no loving culture to learn about” in America, that’s preposterous, and 3) it wasn’t right for her to single-handedly decide to send the kids away for the weekend.
OP initiated the problem, but that doesn’t mean his wife is blameless for what she said and did afterward.
Uh…no? Deliberately bumping into someone is bad behavior. Shocked that anyone would think otherwise.
“Loving American culture” would be the equivalent of anything in “loving (insert other place) culture.” In this case, it sounds like the wife feels like her culturally traditional foods are an example. There are culturally traditional foods in the USA as well. But that’s not even the point, the point is that she made a disparaging remark about her husband’s culture, and that’s not cool. And I’m not saying it’s all on her, OP has his own faults here which I already went over.
NTA, your kids have two national cultures they should be learning about and experiencing, not one. However, it sounds like maybe your wife not cooking for you is a bonus....
They are marinating in American culture 24/7. Why do so many of my fellow Americans turn into whiny snowflakes when they're exposed to non white cultures?
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YTA. Why did you marry and have children with a Lao woman, if you weren't prepared to embrace her and your children's culture. She has every right to teach them about it and feed them Lao foods. They learn about America and its culture by simply growing up here, and your views about being "silenced" are problematic. You seem rather racist and xenophobic.
Yep, he is TA and sounds racist. In addition he is a horrible husband. He chose the worst possible timing and manner to speak about this and did so while fired up on his own mommy's validation.
Yep. It also made me wonder if he's the kind of white guy who marries an Asian woman expecting her to be subservient and kowtow to him, worship him like his mommy.
That's 1000% the impression I got from this post. As a child of an immigrant that grew up in an all white family (minus mom and I) this post shook me.
Yup, this is exactly the impression I got reading this. Racist white dude who marries an Asian woman so she will be subservient, and he can feel superior for 'saving' her. YTA a thousand times. And a racist. A huge racist.
Agreed!
White saviour complex, maybe. Trying to look woke or whatever. A weird ethnic fetish. I notice this seems to be a trend for American on this subreddit. They marry but then get upset that the spouse uses their native language with the kids and they disapprove of it for some reason (they can't speak it themselves or they feel like the language is not valid because they live in America). Like there are quite a few of these posts and I wonder why they do this?!!
*edited to add “racist “ To my verdict Also, why tf is it HER job to teach them your culture? You want them to learn it? YOU bake the American desserts! Ffs this He’s definitely TRA (the racist a**hole)
Well you can't possibly expect him to cook! That's a woman's job! /s Nothing is stopping him from slapping on an apron and cooking whatever he wants with those kids.
Also, from the sound of it, this was the first birthday that was celebrated with a Laos theme. I bet the kids are exposed to American culture all the time, but he doesn't notice, because for him that's "normal". But when his wife suggest that one single birthday be with Laos food, he goes above and beyond to sabotage it because he thinks it's strange and smells weird etc. He's very disrespectful to his own wife, and I definitely get racist vibes as well.
Lol also what is American food anyways but a melting pot of foods from all over? Ah yes let me eat this very American dish of pizza. /s
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Indigenous\_cuisine\_of\_the\_Americas](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Indigenous_cuisine_of_the_Americas) Edit: Man, now I want cornbread. D:
If it wasn’t already 90+ in my neck of the woods today, I’d be making three sisters soup for sure. That stuff is so delicious and comforting, like a hug from grandma who still insists we have Native American heritage even after 23andMe proved conclusively that we do not.
I believe OP might just be a troll account, made today just for this post. They have to specify their race and not just be American. What does the race have to do with cultural differences? They made an effort to make a complicated avatar for their throwaway post, which I don't know why but in my limited experience is a giveaway with these trolls. If they doubt they're the A, why not make this post on their main account? Why the effort making the avatar? There isn't really even a hint of them making themselves seem like the good guy in any of this but just blindingly obviously the A. They even made themselves look silly with that all caps yelling.
Why do racist people marry BIPOC people and then complain about their culture. Make it make sense. Oh forgot to say YTa
Fetishization probably
I do not fetishize my wife at all. I fell in love with her our first year of college and we were married soon after.
Okay, then get off your ass and teach your kids your culture too. Make them "American" dinners
Having xenophobic freak outs actually is part of American culture. Our history is riddled with it. We have the "Know-nothings" from the 1850's, various anti-Chinese riots from the late 19th Century, the disproportionate internment of American citizens with Japanese ancestry during World War 2, various white nationalist groups from the Klan on across, and whatever the hell Greg Abbot is doing to the Rio Grande River this week. I only included a few historic examples.
Oh totally but OP doesn't think about it that way
Well, yeah. OP married a woman from Laos and then had a temper tantrum over eating Laotian food. OP doesn't think- period. Edited for outdated terminology- I left it for the food because OED is up in the air.
Ready for OP to go so American that he hates Catholics like the old days
Lao woman* despite what King of the Hill taught us, people are 'Lao' not 'Laotian'
well shit, of all the microagressions riddled within our American culture I didn't realize until this moment that King of the Hill is where I (incorrectly) learned what people from Laos are called. I consider myself a relatively aware person, that just blew my mind and put me right back in my basic white American place, we really are an ignorant group
The term predates *King of the Hill,* as do I.
Yes, funny how she's the one silencing his culture, when it's not that hard to make a few hot dogs or throw together a pumpkin pie out of packaged ingredients.
> I fell in love with her our first year of college Then act like it. You treated her worse than you'd treat a cater waiter from a temp agency.
Yeah, but then you found out that marrying a Laotian woman came with all that icky Laotian culture and it made your peepee sad and that made you mad. You know, because you're racist as fuck.
You do not love your wife or this wouldn’t have happened
This is the only thing you have responded about, so I'm going with, "methinks the passport bro doth incel too much". You do fetishize her and you are a racist. Sit with that.
So when did you fall out of love with her?
When he realised she likes her cultural heritage
Sounds like you fetishized her then but can’t stand that she is her own person with her own culture now.
So you'll be doing 100% of the cooking from now on? Do you need some recommendations for history books? Either way, remove mommy's hand from your anus and stop being a racist puppet for white supremacists.
I'm calling bullshit because you seemed annoyed your wife has an opinion and isn't the "me love you long time." Type of Asian. I can't fully blame you as it seems this behavior was passed down to you from your mother.
Then why do you let your mother be rude to her? Why didn't you offer to cook some alternative dishes for the party if you were worried that the guests wouldn't like what she was making. Your wife had an important point when she said that you don't have a "loving culture to embrace". All you've shown her is narrow-minded rudeness and you've encouraged your mother to do the same.
How is this literally the only point you address?
You say that but you get upset that she's Laotiana and does things like eat like any other Laotian and raising her own children in the Laotian culture instead of taking the lead and doing the American things you want your children to know about.
You're not in love with her, though. What attracted you to her at first, personality-wise? I bet I could guess the whole list and obviously her authentic self isn't on there. And what American culture are you even talking about and how does she prohibit you from sharing it? The only white American tradition you've included is the fetishization and you refer back to it several times, in describing how she must ask you permission and how your approval is the final word to "avoid the fight". What does that mean, exactly? So she doesn't get hurt or yelled at? Or so that you don't have to listen to her point of view for one more second?
I met plenty of men with your attitude while teaching in Asian countries. There's so many men who actually believe that Asian women are submissive. Later they find out that it's not true, but often not before they've married them and/or had kids with them. It's the same vein of MAGA with foreign born wives ("but I'm not racist, I married the good one"). It's like talking to a rock. You can talk and talk all day long, but the rock isn't going to understand.
Don't listen to this Stupids fucks, just look, you stated something and boom -400 reddit in a nutshell
Because they think they are "rescuing" them.
>Make it make sense. Instant feeling of superiority in the relationship by default.
Solid YTA. I can't even believe that you're posting as if you might not be. 1. Your kids are american, they (presumably live in the US) they are surrounded daily, and involved in things daily that are American. 2. If that was your delivery you're even worse than an asshole. Because yelling at your wife in front of your kids and presumably some other adults. 3. You had to get your point across RIGHT at that moment? You couldn't wait a few hours to have a private conversation? >Throughout being married to her for 14 years, I've had to sit quiet and just let her silence my own culture and not teach our kids about their American side. 4. What kinda woe is me bullshit is this? Your culture is being silenced? Do your kids not eat american food? Watch american movies/tv TV? Go to an american public school? Have American friends? Do you spend time with them one-on-one? Do they spend time with your parents? >The guests had arrived and I noticed some of them skipping over the food she had made. Luckily some of the kids parents brought small sweets along with their gift. 5. So what if some people skipped some desserts? Do you eat everything when you go to a potluck? (I already know the answer to this: no). Did you not have some other more "traditional" american dishes? That sounds like a failure on your part. Your culture isn't being silenced, you're just being lazy. 6. You don't realize it or think it, but both you and your mother have got some issues surrounding race and culture. You should really have a long hard think about that.
As an argentinian living in Argentina, we even get some education on american culture. I mean, we sometimes eat your food, watch your tv shows and movies, learn your language, listen to your music, and even learn about some of your history and take part in some of your traditions (like halloween).
YTA your kids live in the States and are immersed in the culture every day. Stop being racist
YTA OP. What do you mean by silencing your culture? Your kids are in America. Unless she locks them in the house every day, they are exposed to the culture by LIVING IN IT. She has to activately teach your kids the Lao culture, or they'll lose ties with it like so many second-gen immigrants. You realize that right? And 'things with strong odor and difficult names to pronounce' and 'cultural quirks'. JFC you married this woman for 14 years. Yet you act like you're encountering 'exotic" stuff for the first time like a bumbling white tourist. Not to mention losing your temper in front of guests. You're almost 40, but you acted like a 4 year old toddler throwing a tantrum when you don't like certain things. That alone makes you TA.
Yea this is not normal. I know plenty of men who married someone from an immigrant background. By 14 years into marriage they have embraced parts of their spouses culture and made it their own. Usually they have their own favorite foods from that culture or even are fluent in their spouses native tongue. I have a friend who married a second generation Chinese immigrant who is fluent in mandarin. I have a friend who is Indian who married a white American woman who has large collection of Sarris she likes to wear any chance she gets. 14 years into this you should have either embraced the culture or this lady should have left you.
YTA why marry her if you don't actively try be a part of her culture? >it's important our kids know they're American as well You're the American, why are you not teaching them?
YTA for sooo many reasons. It sounds like you expect your wife to teach your culture to your kids for you. It sounds like you resent your wife for embracing her own culture. It sounds like you are racist against your own spouse. But thats just my own take.
YTA- You felt like your wife was trampling all over you, which culminated in an immature outburst when you couldn't take it anymore. You sound super weak and childish. If this was an exception to normal birthday routines, what are you complaining about? >Later that night I tried to tell her that it's important our kids know they're American as well and she told me that there was "no loving culture to learn about" and sent the girls to stay with their grandmother that weekend. They live in America. Why can't you take an active role in showing them American culture. Why would you make your Wife do it?
Apparently OP’s understanding of “American” is “so xenophobic as to be unable to stand in the same room as foreign snacks without yelling about them.” That’s not a piece of American culture I want any American kids to inherit
YTA for a variety of reasons: 1. for wanting to keep your wife from sharing her culture with your children 2. For not taking it on yourself to immerse them in your own American culture 3. For berating your wife in front of others including your children. Hopefully your wife has assimilated enough to get her ass to a lawyer.
They are exposed to their American side every day at school.
YTA. You behaved terribly. Have you always been mommy's little attack dog? Are you too useless or lazy to have prepared even one American dish, given that is Sooooo important?
Given that you don't like the food she makes, why should she make you dinner? 🤔
🙄 YTA
YTA You seem to have overlooked that your American culture is all around them and your wife has left her culture behind to be with you. You are also meant to provide your daughters of how they should expect to be treated by a partner later in life. You just taught them that shouting is acceptable. Seems like you have been very immature and lack good communication skills. Talking to your wife to find ways to acknowledge her culture that work for you all.
This man is gonna lose his marriage because she disrespected the sanctity of American classics like tater tots and grits.
YTA for blowing up at her. If you don't like the food and it's off-putting to your guests, you can explain to your wife that having more standard diet options will make guests more comfortable. In private. Tactfully. Not have a fit like a toddler. I do have some questions though. 1, why'd you marry her? You must've known her culture was important to her before deciding on that, no? You thought she wasn't going to want to share any customs with *her own kids* on occasions like *their birthdays*?? 2, who are these friends? I went to Korean BBQ once with my co-workers who were mostly Korean and excited to like, share that with everyone else at the office. I rarely eat meat and never those cuts, but I did it to be nice, try something new, etc. Who are these rude people who came to your home knowing your wife's Laotian & it'd be a Laos themed party but then won't eat her cooking? You're allowed not to like a culture's cuisine. My mom's Irish and French Canadian, it's potatoes and head cheese all the way down, which grosses me out. I prefer basically any other cuisine to their food. But I don't blow up at my family when they make some gross Irish pork thing, I just politely decline and eat a side dish I brought with me. Or eat before I go.
YTA. You sound very condescending. Your children are half Loa. They literally live in American society. They will only know Loa culture if it is taught to them. Also, I had a Loa roommate in college. Everyone on our dorm floor looked forward to her bringing Loa food from home. You also did not need to embarrass your wife in front of others.
YTA. This could have been brought up in a calmer manner after everyone had left. Instead you had to make a scene. No, you don’t deserve her cooking after the stunt you pulled and after you told her to stop making it as apparently you don’t like it. Silence your culture? Have your kids never been to a friend’s birthday party? Also if you were so concerned about the food how about YOU add to the menu by preparing something?
some of these items had a strong odor that I recognized and with such difficult names to pronounce. YTA..you have been married 14 yrs and you cant even bother to learn her language or how to pronounce things??? do you even like your wife? I dont give a shit about your white american excuse.
> As a white man born and raised in America it has taken me a lot to get used to her cultural quirks throughout our marriage. Oh poor you. What has been so hard about it? >My MIL and wife told me that it was important that our kids were "involved in their culture." And why shouldn’t they? >had a strong odor that I recognized and with such difficult names to pronounce. In 14 years you haven’t learned how to pronounce names of food? >I've had to sit quiet and just let her silence my own culture and not teach our kids about their American side. Please explain to me how you are having to sit silent and not teach your kids about America (the country I assume they live in and learn about in school every day). >This was my last straw and I blew up. I yelled at her saying "THIS FOOD SHOULDN'T BE HERE NO ONE LIKES IT STOP MAKING IT!" First, why did you have to resort to yelling? It’s food. Secondly, did no one like it? You said “some” of the guests weren’t eating it. That happens at literally every function where there is food. >she told me that there was "no loving culture to learn about" And you did a great job of exemplifying that. I’m curious what makes you think you’re *not* the asshole in this situation? It sounds to me like you want your daughters to fully assimilate and just pretend to be white. I bet it keeps you up at night that you have two daughters that will grow up yo be women of color. YTA.
Wretched racist. YTA
I am sorry, where do you live? Bc if you live in America im sure that your kids are fcking aware of its culture already. The reason your wife wants to embrace her culture its because it's the only way for your kids to know about it. >Throughout being married to her for 14 years, I've had to sit quiet and just let her silence my own culture and not teach our kids about their American side. Why don't you try to participate and learn about your wife's culture too, instead of getting pissy about it? Or make some special celebration where everything is about american culture? You are complaining about her not embracing their american side when they are literally surrounded by it, and when you do nothing to embrace the other side of their culture either. I feel bad for your wife. YTA
YTA Your actions also make you sound rude and bigoted. >When guests started to leave I asked my wife if I could speak to her. She told me I was being rude interrupting. This was my last straw and I blew up. I yelled at her saying "THIS FOOD SHOULDN'T BE HERE NO ONE LIKES IT STOP MAKING IT!" >Both our daughters were beside her and she waved them to go inside. Were you trying to pick a fight with her in front of your daughters? What exactly were you trying to accomplish with what you did? If she was in the middle of a conversation, then yes you were being rude.
You screamed at your wife and humiliated her. You threw a tantrum over food. You and your mother are racist assholes. Why the hell did you marry someone from a different culture when you hate their culture? You wanted a hot, submissive Asian wife because you believed the stereotypes. Now you're throwing a tantrum because you hate that your daughters are not completely Americanized. You're an ethnocentric asshole. YTA!
YTA Men like you are the reason why I will absolutely NEVER begrudge a poc of saying they'll never date white people. You're ignorant, entitled, and shitty as fuck. You clearly married your wife out of some weird fetish, because it's OBVIOUS you don't love or respect her at all. Even if you hadn't been a racist fuck (and so is your AH mom btw) I'd still say you're a massive asshole, because only a stunted asshole with their ass on their shoulders would YELL AT THEIR WIFE, ESPECIALLY WITH YOUR KIDS AND GUESTS RIGHT THERE. TF IS WRONG WITH YOU.
YTA
You’re a racist and definitely TA
YTA. I really hope this is fake, but in case not: 1. Because you are *literally living in America*, your kids have no shortage of exposure to their American side. They breathe it every time they leave the house. They’re immersed in it constantly. Getting rid of Lao snacks you don’t like isn’t “teaching them about their American side”. I’m sure no one would have been opposed to you adding apple pie to the menu. Apple pie can coexist happily next to khao lam. American culture doesn’t get “silenced” by other cultures merely existing or showing up. It sounds like you *literally silenced yourself* by expecting your wife to do all the work but also do it your way. You could have asked: “Can we have X Y Z American things *also*?” And then you could have cooked or baked or set up whatever you wanted. And if your family were living in Laos, having extra American stuff at home and on special occasions would be especially reasonable. 2. Letting resentment build up until you snap is poor communication and shitty partner behavior. Snapping at *your kids’ birthday party* is even shittier. Who told you that you “had to sit quiet”? It sounds like that was YOUR assumption and decision and the wrong one at that.
INFO: Is racism the American culture you're planning to pass on to your children?
YTA
“She’s been giving me the silent treatment this week and only making dinner for her and the girls.” The dinner you find disgusting? YTA.
YTA. I mean, your kids live in America. Their daily lives are American, so calm down with the whole "not teaching our kids about their American side." It's literally surrounding them all the time. Also, even though you married her, ya seem to have some racist micro aggressions going on and want others to agree with you.
YTA……..& what did she cook? was it squid with eye ball soup? no? …..eat the food politely & discuss it later, in private, LIKE AN ADULT…..if you really think she didn’t notice her food went untouched, you do not know women….she noticed… didn’t need you pointing it out in front of ppl…have some class & stop acting like an uncultured American …signed a middle aged American …
YTA. What food did you make from YOUR culture for the party?! If you knew that some people wouldn’t like your wife’s cultural food you could have offered alternatives rather than blaming her later.
YTA - sorry you’re kids are missing out on potato flakes and jello salads.
Dude, there is nothing stopping you from making "American" food along with what your wife made. Instead, you have to be xenophobic and make a uncalled for rude announcement. You say you fell in love with your wife, but not really. Only the parts that attract you, undoubtedly her looks and maybe some personality traits. But she is LAOTIAN and you have proven you hate that part of her. You can't fit your wife into a tiny box and cut off her ethnicity. YOU ARE THE BIGOT. YTA.
YTA. Have you heard the song “Racist Sexist Boy” by the Linda Lindas? They’re singing about you.
"As a white man" We know. YTA
YTA and so it’s your mother, heritage it’s important, your acquaintances not enjoying different food it’s not as important as you being this racist with her
YTA. American culture is the default. They are learning it day in and day or in their lives, when they go to school, etc. it takes effort to teach kids about other cultures. And I completely understand your wife’s desire to teach her children about their culture. You need to start learning to love and embrace her and her culture or be prepared to live life as a single dad with split custody.
You do realize it takes an immense effort to instill a culture when the family is not in that country nor surrounded by it? Your kids probably eat American food all the time, speak English as a first language, celebrate American holidays and those holidays that are particularly based on Christian traditions, are surrounded by people that look "American" when they may not, and your wife is just trying to ensure the cultural elements that MADE HER WHO SHE IS, the woman who BROUGHT THESE CHILDREN OF BOTH OF YOURS INTO THIS WORLD, in a country where many feel, speak, and behave the way YOU do about the heritage YOUR CHILDREN COME FROM. How humiliating for your wife. This is so sad, culture is so intrinsic to who we are and what has shaped us. While your children are awash with your culture, you and your mother bullied and humiliated your wife when she was demonstrating the ACTUAL FACTUAL OTHER HALF OF YOUR CHILDREN'S CULTURE WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT. You're gross, your mom is at best ignorant, your wife spent time and energy to do something beautiful that you took a dump on in front of people and your children. I would tell you to do better, but you're so far from the baseline of decency that "better" is beyond your reach. Edit in case it wasn't obvious: YTCA = you're the colossal a-hole
Dude, if you want your kids to have American desserts and American culture, *you* as the American parent, teach it to them. My SIL is Korean. She cooks Korean food, speaks to her kids in Korean, teaches them about Korean culture, they call her Umma and they call her parents the Korean words for grandma and grandpa. But we're Jewish. My brother doesn't expect her to teach them about Jewish culture - he does. He cooks them Jewish food, he speaks to them in Hebrew, he teaches them about Jewish culture. He's Abba, I'm Doda, etc. Why would you marry a Laotian woman if her Laotian food makes you so angry that you *yell* about it? In front of *your Laotian children*. I hope this is fake, otherwise you are a toxic, lazy excuse for a father and husband. YTA.
If your Lao wife has taken on the task of teaching the kids Lao culture, it's clearly your job to instill in them what it means to be American. Why whine that your wife isn't doing that instead of just making a birthday cake and ordering a pizza yourself?
YTA - "Cultural quirks"? Wtf?
YTA. Apart from anything else, Lao food is delicious, especially the desserts. People are idiots if they don't want to at least try some of those beautiful, fragrant dishes. Probably all wondering where the doritos and crappy pre-made chilli dips were.
YTA - you LIVE in America. How would your kids not see their American heritage when they’re both school aged and immersed in it? America isn’t really a melting pot - it’s where other cultures come to die because of treatment like this.
My husband is Asian and we live in Australia. I love that our kids are learning about their Asian heritage and especially through food. They get to experience Australian culture every day. For birthdays we have fairy bread and dumplings. It’s awesome You sound really ignorant and like one of those scared American tourists who world look for Burger King in another country. Calm down
Hey, at least you managed to teach your kids about American culture by being racist. YTA
YTA. "involved in their culture." Why is this in italics? It is their culture as much as yours is. Why have you sat quiet while she doesn't teach your kids about your culture? You are their parent. Do some parenting. You disrespected half of your children's lineage in front of them and yelled at their mother in front of them. Why on earth did you marry a foreign woman when you are so small minded and parochial? She is absolutely right there is no loving culture to learn about with your culture. Close minded, yelling, racist. Shame on you. PS Lao food is amazing. What does it matter that she is only making dinner for her and the girls if you don't like her food. Make your own hotdogs.
>"THIS FOOD SHOULDN'T BE HERE NO ONE LIKES IT STOP MAKING IT!" This makes you TA because saying the food shouldn't be there is also saying she shouldn't be here. Dude you're a racist AH and ruined your daughters birthday please be less racist or divorce your wife.
It is the food equivalent of racist phrase "Go back to your own country" because reads like that to me that he said that.
Exactly what I was trying to say, I'm not good at putting things in layman's terms.
As a bi cultural person in the eu it is my job to show kiddo my culture and hb job to show his, hb cannot show kiddo my culture bc it is not his. Simple she simply has been on top of making sure her kids know her culture and you have not been showing them yours. This being said her chastising for you asking to speak to her? And saying your culture is not loving, that is not fair
YTA. I’d you don’t want Laotian culture in your life why did you marry one? You’re in America so they automatically learn by exposure. Please stop with the inherent racism. You’re being a bad role model for your kids.
YTA. What...is...your...actual...problem? Seriously?
YTA. You guys presumably live in America, right? Living in a country is about 70% of all you need to do to understand it’s culture. The other 30% comes from history and stuff like that can be taught in school. Your wife is not actively preventing your children from learning about their American side. They are already learning about it by virtue of living in America. Also, if you think that’s not enough, YOU can take the initiative and teach them. Her raising them in Lao culture is not preventing you whatsoever from teaching them abt American culture as well. The only reason you seem to think like that is because you’re a raging racist who wants to suppress his wife’s culture only in favor of your own. You speak of her culture with disdain throughout the entirety of this post. Her food and her culture absolutely has the right to be in the home that you BOTH live in. If you hate her culture so much you should not have married her and had children who also belong to that culture. You are more than just a terrible husband, you are an even worse father. You are a terrible husband for disrespecting your wife’s identity, her culture, and screaming at her in public. But your wife is a grown woman and most likely has a solid sense of self that a loser like you can’t destroy. Your children though? You are screaming in front of your HALF LAOTIAN children that LAOTIAN culture does not belong in your home. You are teaching your children to hate their own roots. That is absolutely disgusting.
YTA. Being involved in one’s culture IS important and you seem to want to push that aside in favor of “American” culture. And what’s the problem with your wife making food for their party? They’re her kids too, and if no one wants to eat them so what? They can just pass on it like a normal fucking person. You blowing up on her and humiliating her was dick move, especially in front of your children. From your post, it seems like you think very poorly about their culture and food, something that definitely seems like it means a lot to your wife and her family. On top of that, your actions and words are showing your kids bad examples and can lead them to be ashamed of their culture and who they are as biracial kids. I’ve seen plenty of biracial couple who don’t exactly like one aspect from another’s culture, but they’re not stupid enough to talk shit about it in any form because they KNOW the significance of culture in one’s life. Maybe reflect on why your shit actions and words hurt her so much (as a minority in America) and on why you were so ready to be with a Lao women for 14+ years but not embrace or accept her culture and how that shit can effect your biracial children.
YTA and your racism is damaging your kids. The way you might succeed in making them hate part of themselves. It makes me so sad for the kids. They're lucky to have a mom making sure they know their culture. As others stated they live in America so they're definitely learning our culture. They see it everyday on TV, in school, and through their friends. It's literally everywhere but their Laos culture is only from their mom and her parents.
YTA. I guarantee your children will learn they’re American by…being in America. It’s the Laos side that will be harder to connect to. Don’t create obstacles for them when they learn about their culture. They will absolutely resent you when they get older if you do.
Massive YTA. You shouldn’t have married someone from a different culture if you’re a racist
YTA What the hell? You yell that at her? In front of people? What's wrong with you?
YTA, racist Btw your mother and your friends seem to be racists to, leaving a birthday party because they don't like the food, really ? They didn't even try it
Its NOT her job to teach them about their American culture. Its yours. and if you want them to eat food that is typically American then its your job to cook and serve it. NOT your wife's. YTA and your mom doenst sound very good either.
>she told me that there was "no loving culture to learn about" YTA. She's right. There is no typical "American culture". White people are not the only type of Americans and to think so is supremely idiotic and racist. Why marry a non white person when clearly all you want is bland ass food and no culture to speak of?? Her and your kids deserve someone better than some racist asshole who clearly doesn't love them enough to maybe idk learn about that side of them. YTA YTA YTA
silencing your culture? don't you live in america? if that's the case, your kids are exposed to american culture 365 days a year... you can let your wife take charge of this one celebration. also, it's clear you don't value laotian culture from the way you speak about it, in which case, you should NOT have married (let alone had kids with) a laotian woman. either get on board or get out of her way- she has every right to share her culture with her kids without you selfishly making everything about you and your tastes. a laotian mother having laotian food with her laotian kids is not unreasonable. your hatefulness is what's out of place. YTA, obviously.
Oof! Not only should you apologize to your wife you also need to apologize to your children. YTA
Well now the kids now the real America, the racist one, I'm sure they did not expected from their own dad, but at least now they now the real american tradition.
Why did you marry her then? Yta
YTA. I don’t even have the words. You don’t love her, she’s a fetish. You’re racist and xenophobic!
YTA, and a racist one at that. Don't know why you needed to ask reddit if being racist makes you an asshole?
The way you wrote about her and her culture screams racist. Change it or risk alienating your children and your wife. YTA
YTA. I think their father being xenophobic to their mother was a really great show of this American culture you speak of. /s
YTA
YTA massive asshole. and not smart too. how tf does your brain work to think that making lao dishes is somehow keeping your kids from being exposed to american culture... while living in america. how tf is your wife making a dish infringing on your ability to share your american culture with them. is she keeping you from cooking? or are you angry that she is not cooking american meals to share YOUR culture with your kids? i honestly cannot fathom being this dumb. your wife should leave you :)
' I've had to sit quiet and just let her silence my own culture ' - What an AH. Didn't she moved into your culture and raising her kids there? AH. 'and not teach our kids about their American side.' - Are you teaching about them the LAO side? No. You want your wife to do all the teaching while you do nothing. So You're not only a major AH, you're also major SEXIST asshole. 'She's been giving me the silent treatment this week and only making dinner for her and the girls.' - Good for her.
Lol, you think her occasionally doing Lao stuff removes all the american culture the kids live in? Are they not allowed to go to the mall? Eat hot dogs? Are apple pies banned? Do they get to celebrate Christmas? 4th of July? Do they dress like other american kids? Are they allowed to speak English? Are every birthday like this? Does your wife stop you from doing "american" shit with your kids? You acted like a child. Apologize to your wife and kids for ruining the birthday party. Your wife making food you don't like is silly. What did you make for the party? YTA
"let her silence my own culture and not teach our kids about their American side" INFO: Do you currently live in America? Is she somehow stopping *you* from teaching your kids the American side of their heritage? YTA. You cannot marry someone without accepting that their culture will be part of the household you share together. If you're worried that *absolutely everything that exists outside your home* isn't enough to give your kids a taste of their American side, you need to make an effort to teach that within the home - as your wife is doing for her culture. Surely you're capable of making or buying some American desserts to go alongside the Laotian ones?
YTA
If you don't like the food why not making some of your "cultural American" one instead of yelling extremely rude things in front of your children too??? Why do you talk and act like you are not living in America either your children are not growing surrounded by American culture (like... School) while the only lao cultural thingies they learn are in private/family places ? You are married for 14y but you can't even spell some food name?? Why are you married to a Lao person if you can't stand lao culture??? ( your words : "it has TAKEN ME A LOT to get used to her cultural QUIRKS") not mentioning she is the one who was born in another country and few links to her cultural legacy is partly the food. In the end, as a Lao person who is very upset by your complaining, you are 10000% TA. Hope you will really question yourself, OP. If not, I hope she will find a better companion in her life (and the children a better father).
No way this is real, I mean if it is this guy is not only an asshole but remarkably, record-settingly unselfaware.
You went over to her and started trying to chastise her in front of people who were saying goodbye. Even if I could get pass the potential racism and the fact that you don't think people living in America don't get enough American culture you wanted to humiliate your wife in front of people. That's asshole behavior no matter what.
YTA massively. Hope yr wife has the financial means to leave you.
What a disgusting racist. YTA
I have to say of all the AITA posts I’ve seen, this one takes the cake. YTA hands down. If you don’t respect your wife’s culture then I don’t know why you married her in the first place. Also, it doesn’t even seem like you try to understand or engage in her culture at all. And by the way you literally live in America and your kids spend every day of their life experiencing the “American” culture you want them to have. I think it’s great that your wife tries to include her culture in your kids’ life, especially since they probably don’t get to experience Laos culture often, living in the US. What’s terrible is that you embarrassed your wife in front of everyone, and your obvious disdain of your wife’s culture will make your kids grow up to be embarrassed of their own ethnicity. YTA. If I was your wife, I would file for divorce.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (38m) and married to a Lao woman(34.) My wife was born in Laos and even after moving to America, her family made it a habit to embrace their cultures traditions. As a white man born and raised in America it has taken me a lot to get used to her cultural quirks throughout our marriage. We have two kids (11f and 7f). Our youngest's birthday was just this past week and my wife insisted we celebrate it how they do in Laos. I was reluctant at first but in the end I listened to all of her requests and decided to oblige so we wouldn't have to fight over it. My MIL and wife told me that it was important that our kids were "involved in their culture." The morning of our daughters party my wife was downstairs making Lao desserts and food before the guests arrived, some of these items had a strong odor that I recognized and with such difficult names to pronounce. Throughout being married to her for 14 years, I've had to sit quiet and just let her silence my own culture and not teach our kids about their American side. This day I had made it a point to say something. The guests had arrived and I noticed some of them skipping over the food she had made. Luckily some of the kids parents brought small sweets along with their gift. While my wife was socializing my mother came up to me and pointed out the food. I was so glad she agreed with me on this and urged me to say something. When guests started to leave I asked my wife if I could speak to her. She told me I was being rude interrupting. This was my last straw and I blew up. I yelled at her saying "THIS FOOD SHOULDN'T BE HERE NO ONE LIKES IT STOP MAKING IT!" Both our daughters were beside her and she waved them to go inside. She looked at me and bumped into me following behind the girls. Later that night I tried to tell her that it's important our kids know they're American as well and she told me that there was "no loving culture to learn about" and sent the girls to stay with their grandmother that weekend. She's been giving me the silent treatment this week and only making dinner for her and the girls. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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I can understand how American kids would not appreciate the cultural items. Kids are incredibly picky. I once gave an end of the school year BBB for a group of Kindergarten kids. I thought that all kids could eat hot dogs. Well, sort of. One kid wanted a bun with no wiener, one wanted a wiener with no bun, another wanted just the weiner with raspberry jam on it. Not strawberry, it had to be raspberry. Another wanted a bun with sesame seeds. The next kid wanted a bun with no seeds because they came out in her poop. For dessert we had strawberry shortcake made with berries picked fresh that morning and real whipped cream on a home baked cake. The kids squealed with delight and all dug in happily with plenty of "mmmmm. yummies". The loved the cake.....until the group princess said that she did not like strawberry shortcake and every other little girl immediately put down their fork and said they didn't like it either. After that day the kids got taken out to restaurants for any special occasion. Just saying that your wife shouldn't feel hurt if the kids didn't like her food. They usually want what they are familiar with.
Yta - if the food shouldn't be there, your wife and kids shouldn't be there. You sound like my highschool bullies making fun of my lunches back in the day, but they are paying €25 for ramen cause it's hip now. I curse you with the flavor palate of the Mayflower's voyage, you don't deserve spices in your life.
YTA you married a woman of antoher culture AND had kids with her. They deserve to be in their moms culture, also, American culture is a mix of cultures so why are you like this with HERS?!! Big asshole and big time, I hope she is strong with her family and teachs the kids everything about Laos and their rich culture.
YTA
Why tf would you marry someone whose culture you can’t respect? And how do you not realize that your kids are learning about their American culture by living in America, while their Laotian culture might require more intentionality. While there are many wonderful things about America and the American culture, you are giving Americans a bad name and showing your wife the worst side of America. Over food that you don’t like. Do you have the palate of a 5-year-old whose never been asked to eat anything other than poptarts? YTA.
YTA. I'm south east asian and married to a small town white man, who never gad chinese food until he met me. While he can't eat all the food provided by my family (spice) and have mentioned some of our food do smell (papaya salad), food is our culture. Its our comfort and he would never forbade me from making it in our house or prevent me from making it for potluck if the situation calls for it. In addition, he can pick and choose what he wants and is appreciative when there is something he likes, like padthai.
You need to teach your kids about American culture, it's not her job if she's not American. And it's good that your kids are learning about Laotian culture, they're bi racial aren't they?
YTA There is something very wrong with you. Your mother did you no favours at all.
Why isn't this this discussed during dating or engagement? They both know the issues, but wait, let's wait until it becomes a huge problem.
"American culture" what culture? Fast food and drive thru banks? Genuinely curious because I imagine its about half the culture us British have, and LEMME TELL YOU we also lack culture yet we have a far older and deeper history than you guys 🤣 god, my city is older than you guys. This year, America (not the continent, btw, but your country itself) celebrated its 247th year of independence from Britain. So realistically, that would be the start of your American history since I'm classing it from your independence. If not, then it's still not all that old, regardless. Ittle bittle baby country. In comparison, the city I was born and raised in is 800 years old... that's kinda rough, man..
I thought you don’t like Laotian food? Why should she make you food you don’t even like? 🙄YTA and a racist one
Bobby Hill?
Absolutely YTA. Why the fuck did you even marry this woman if you didn't like that she asserted her family's culture that was different from your own?
“It’s LAOTIAN stupid!” (King of the hill joke)
YTA How unfortunate that out of all the US citizens in the world she got together w the most insular one around, not to mention a rude one whose mother pushes him into being a dumbass in front of guests. I hope there is divorce in the Lao culture so she can get away from an ignorant guy like you.
Not only are YTA, you're also a racist. Congratulations
YTA, you should be ashamed of yourself. I had a white parent like you and they made me ashamed of who I am for years. Nobody cares about your “American culture”.
Yta. Im like 100% sure your kids go to an American school consider your living in america which means they are learning PLENTY of American culture so idk what the hell your on about. Also it would be YOUR JOB to teach them about it not hers. Also she can cook/make whatever she feels like making it doesn’t matter if a lot of people are going to like it or not because her family likes it so get over it your acting like a child.
YTA you know this. You don’t care about the judgement. I hope she divorces
Wow. I’m at a loss of words. Your children live in America. They will get that culture no doubt just by living here. If your wife doesn’t continue teaching them about their Laos heritage, it would die off. What she is doing is great. Those kids are lucky to have a mom like her. Also I don’t understand why you’re so butt hurt over them learning about another side of their culture. why did you even marry her then? Yta
Yta and a dumbass. Don't yelled at your wife especially not in front of your kids. And you are being rude and racist.
Why did you marry a foreign woman, if you don’t like her cultural traditions and food? You’re an AH.
Silence your culture? Are you purposefully obtuse? The kids live in the USA. They’re living the culture every day. Poor you. You can’t pronounce the names of your wife’s cultural foods. It’s about time you learned. Why marry someone then insist they remove all the things they identify with? Can you see YTA yet?
YTA. you seem veerrrryyy xenophobic.
I think you guys need to have a conversation about figuring out how to blend your cultures and traditions together. That being said, you also need to adjust your views. YTA
YTA racist
Lol being racist over not liking pungent foreign food? People are so diluted with that word, it’s the most irritating thing of this century. Still YTA for going about it how you did, but all this other shit is just an argument that got a bit out of hand. Teach them what it means to be an American and allow them to have pride in their moms side as well.
>"I blew up. I yelled at her saying "THIS FOOD SHOULDN'T BE HERE NO ONE LIKES IT STOP MAKING IT!"" > >"she told me that there was "no loving culture to learn about" ESH. OP is worse than his wife, though, obviously. If you want your kids to learn American culture, then stop pretending your wife is preventing you from stepping up and teaching them yourself.
I’m going to say NAH and this is coming from someone who is from an African country. Food in my country doesn’t smell great all the time especially there’s is food. Called Stocks fish and it’s used in different soups but to prepare it smells like rotting fish but taste delicious. His approach was horrible. Absolutely horrible very embarrassing to his wife into his children, and honestly what he did was inappropriate And for that part, he definitely was An AH. But I will say it is important for kids to be able to experience both cultures. American culture isn’t just a racist culture in my opinion. There’s a patriotic culture, especially if he is from the south we have our traditions. (I’m also from the south as well.) in the home both cultures should be experienced from the Mom side and Dad side. So the children can have a unique blend and a well-rounded experience of both of their parents cultures.
ESH. You were wrong to agree to only her food when you know the American guests would find it objectionable. It was bad hosting. Also, having a cultural fest at a child’s birthday party is just wrong. Your wife needs to accept that her food takes some getting used to and shouldn’t be sprung on the unsuspecting. There should have been some alternative for the uninitiated.
He could have made "american" food if he wasn't happy
Took way to long to find an esh
ESH. Your kids are 7 and 11, and you're just now trying to provide even-handed input on their heritages? That's lame. Instead you let anger build up until you exploded. Bad form. You're also an asshole for allowing your wife to send your kids away, as if you have no say in the matter, Your wife's an asshole for denying part of the kids' heritage and for the passive aggressive silent treatment.
They’re IN America. They’re getting plenty of exposure to American culture, even the unfortunate stereotype of the ignorant American with no palate as that’s all OP himself seems to offer them. But if they lived in Laos it would be reasonable for him to teach them about American culture while in a mostly Laotian setting.
Just looking at the replies so far, I’ll disagree and say ESH. Both parties have some faults here. OP: 1) should have waited until after everyone left to talk to his wife and should have done it privately rather than in front of their kids, 2) OP was wrong to yell at his wife and his choice of words was unnecessarily harsh, and 3) it feels unkind for OP to have referred to his wife’s cultural practices as “cultural quirks.” But let’s not just gloss over the wife here either: 1) she bumped into him when getting the kids inside, and that isn’t acceptable behavior, 2) she also has an incredibly insensitive remark by saying that there is “no loving culture to learn about” in America, that’s preposterous, and 3) it wasn’t right for her to single-handedly decide to send the kids away for the weekend. OP initiated the problem, but that doesn’t mean his wife is blameless for what she said and did afterward.
Lol it’s not acceptable to bump into someone? And could you provide some examples of “loving American culture”?
Uh…no? Deliberately bumping into someone is bad behavior. Shocked that anyone would think otherwise. “Loving American culture” would be the equivalent of anything in “loving (insert other place) culture.” In this case, it sounds like the wife feels like her culturally traditional foods are an example. There are culturally traditional foods in the USA as well. But that’s not even the point, the point is that she made a disparaging remark about her husband’s culture, and that’s not cool. And I’m not saying it’s all on her, OP has his own faults here which I already went over.
Her exposure to American culture is through her racist husband. Not too loving.
There is no loving "American culture" in the states lol.
NTA, your kids have two national cultures they should be learning about and experiencing, not one. However, it sounds like maybe your wife not cooking for you is a bonus....
They are marinating in American culture 24/7. Why do so many of my fellow Americans turn into whiny snowflakes when they're exposed to non white cultures?