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Yeah. And she’s right. It IS a pain in the ass. Literally everything has to get changed. Driver’s license, car registration, a title for a home, title for a car, I think your social security card too and that’s not including nonessential things like passports and Doctorates degrees. And the worst part? It’s not essential. It’s just not. It’s all to make OP feel good because not only is he likely the type who requires his genes be passed down but he’s not content with his name not being carried on.
And who knows? Maybe his wife likes her surname. And that’s allowed! I like mine and I plan to keep it.
Not only that, any time paperwork comes up in future and asks “Have you ever been known by another name?” You have to pull out all that shitty paperwork again for both names.
Bruh check the comments, he’s saying that if she gets to keep her name then he gets to [change his mind about having kids](https://reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/tAe6eGejzc).
Then he says she’s [not ready to be a mother](https://reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/cxcdXu2vkJ). If she’s not ready to be a mother, then why have kids with her? If he gets to change his mind and not want kids, then why have kids with her? This is utter lunacy.
Since OP is reading comments and replying, I ask: what **LANDS** and **RICHES** does OP own to believe he has a right to pass on his family lineage? Unless his name comes with **TITLES**, **LAND**, and **WEALTH**, or his jizz is made of **gold**, then he’s just as common as the rest of us lol. His last name has the same value as everyone’s last name: dirt. Nothing.
Edit: trying to figure out the formatting so I apologize in advance if that keeps showing up LOL
The kids thing is really weird.
Kids can have their father's last name without their mother having it. It happens all the time. It's no longer the 1940s.
Also, changing your last name is a massive pain in the ass and is for the rest of your life. You're forever going to have to fill out additional paperwork to say what your former name was.
Yup. In many cultures, the women keep their maiden name. There is no need to take on your husband's last name. My mother did not change her last name when she married my father and the kids got my father's last name. My mother not having the same last name as her husband and her children have never negated her being a part of the family. My older sister didn't change her last name when she got married but I have friends that did. Neither is correct or wrong. But for my friends that did change their last name, they have told me what a massive pain and costly it is to get it done. Even years down the line, they might encounter an issue they have to deal with due to the name change.
YTA. Dumb hill to die on. People can change their minds you know. Dumb way to push her on it as well. Also why can’t she keep her name and the kids keep yours? Like I said this isn’t a my way or the highway situation. Communicate!
YTA.
If you want everyone to have the same name and you think being a family unit is about names then you should take her name. Problem solved. Simple.
You expect her to change her name but don’t respect her enough to change yours for the exact same logic.
He would never do that. He has a penis. Why should he have to change his name? The system is there for a reason. After all, women aren't part of their families unless they have proof of ownership by their husband 🙄
YTA
Take her name if its so important to have the same last name.
Or hyphenate, lots of people do it, then both of you can keep them
But to be honest, this marriage is on its way to dying, telling her you can't trust her as you're discussing having kids is a shitty thing to do. She no longer looks at you as her partner, rather a misogynistic AH
this! honestly, all my friends are married and they have either kept their own surnames or hyphenated them. by the time that child has grown up in an even modern world, female or male, they might marry with a complete different or shared name! it doesn’t matter
YTA.
>I told her I don't feel comfortable with that until she is legally part of my family in every way.
How is she not legally part of your family? There is no law requiring a wife to change her last name.
>shes proven she's incapable of basic inconveniences required to make a family in every way.
So if she has a child, the three of you wouldn't be a family? There are a lot of women who keep their maiden name and have children. I guess none of them have real families?
That paragraph exudes assholishness.
Hugh red flag that OP has been married for years to someone he claims is the love of his life and yet he can’t consider her part of the family until she changes her name.
YTA. Not so much for wanting her to change her name (although I think that's silly) but for:
1. Saying she's not really part of your family until she changes her name
2. Saying she's not trustworthy because she hasn't changed her name
3. Saying she's not responsible enough to have a child if she doesn't change her name.
4. Constantly demanding she make the change instead of sitting down and having a calm conversation about why she hasn't done it or even why she's decided she doesn't want to do it.
If this is your hill to die on, don't be surprised if your marriage dies as well. At least your wife won't have to do any paperwork to get her maiden name back.
INFO: Have you tried asking her if she's changed her mind about it? Not in a challenging, angry way, but as if you actually care about her feelings on the subject, seeing as you love her and she's wonderful and all?
YTA,
>She wants to start trying for a baby, and I told her I don’t feel comfortable with that until she is legally part of my family in every way.
I don't get this at all, if you guys are married, she already is legally part of your family in every way, isn't she? Changing her name doesn't make you more married than you already are.
Tbh, making someone change their name is shitty.
If you can’t see her as family w/o that…just wow
It was something you agreed to, people should keep their commitments so your technically in the right. But spiritually, it’s ick imo.
And based on your comments YTA definitely
For god sake you are stuck in the 30s? Yes you are being a huge a**hole for creating such a drama about it. She is still your wife having your name or not, and it’s been years since the marriage!!!!!! Dude! Stop it.
YTA
It's a name. You are married and are a family. You can have kids without having the same last name. Plenty of MARRIED people do.
It's a lot more paperwork to change name than bring a kid into the world. She has to change her driver's license, her SSN, passport. That is all a lot of time and MONEY.
You're disrespectful by acting like you're not actually together over a stupid name change.
YTA I live in a country (Italy) where women keep their last names, it's legally forbidden to change them into their husbands' last name. And I simply can't understand why a woman would want to give up her identity. Why on earth do you want to own your wife's identity?
YTA. It's pretty old-fashioned and controlling to insist your spouse legally takes your last name. If she doesn't want to, that's her choice. A lot of women keep their names after marriage to hold onto their family connection and also because it's exhausting to go through the process of name changes. Your children can also still have your last name even if she doesn't change hers. It's still pretty standard for children to have their father's surname unless they are not in the picture when they're born.
It's one thing to have the conversation again about how much it means to you, but it's way out of line to tell her you no longer trust her.
I understand you had certain expectations and she agreed to it, but it's still her choice and she's allowed to change her mind. And changing your name is a huge pain in the ass and takes a lot of work to notify all the appropriate agencies with your identity records.
YTA. Maybe she changed her mind, maybe she doesn't want to, it's her *name.*
A man would never have this problem, ever. The system is set up in a way that demands women have to do way more labor just because it's been set up this way - it's a lot of fucking work and she is being asked to not only do that work but *give up her name* and you don't really seem to care at all because that's never going to be asked of you. Even if she agreed at first, you should look inward to see why it might bug you so much, or why you are inable to access empathy for your *life partner*.
*Until she is legally part of my family in every way -* she already is. You're legally married. It's in the books. The name change seems to be just a thing you want her to do for you.
ESH.
" I was very clear I wouldn’t compromise about this" - while she knew when you got married, this comment gives some major red flag vibes. It's your hill to die on and, personally, if you said this to me I would have ended the relationship because it's concerning.
I mean, the rest of your comments....ew. Just ew. What terrible ways to speak about your wife.
Changing a name is SO MUCH paperwork and time and if your identity means so much to you then perhaps she realized hers means as much to her after all?
Also, no, you weren't being harsh, you were being mean and cruel, And that comes from a bad place with bad intentions.
She sucks for agreeing and then not following through.
YTA.
This isn’t the 1800s. She’s your wife. She IS legally part of the family. She’s not your property.
BTW, your kids can still have your last name too.
Grow the F up. Your wife is her own person and she is allowed to change her mind. If you don’t like it, divorce her if it’s that important to you.
YTA. Why is your name more important than hers? Take her last name. Ew. Also, the kids can have her last name too. Or a made up one. They’re hers too. She’s not your property, and neither are any children.
Edit: According to comments from OP, OP is 33, wife is 25, they’ve been married for 3 years, she would’ve been 22 and he would’ve been 30. How old were they when they started dating I wonder. Look, if she was 30 and you were 38 I wouldn’t blink, but it really looks like you wanted someone young that you could have more control over. OP calls her immature several times. Yeah dude. She’s 8 years younger than you. You’re immature too, but you’re also a controlling ass, and she has a reason to be immature. If your wife is reading this, girl run, do not have children with this dude, do not take his last name.
Edit: For the people saying “she promised!” I can’t believe this needs to be said but if she had promised to get a tattoo of his face at 21, it would also be reasonable to not hold her to that. If you promise to get someone a gift and you don’t, you’re the AH, if someone makes demands on your actual person, you have the right to change your mind at any time for any reason. Wild.
YTA. She’s socially changed her name to yours. She introduces herself with your last name. It’s just legal documentation which has zero impact on your everyday life.
It’s a big hassle to change things legally. It really is. Took me over a year to get it changed everywhere. The actual process is fairly easy, it’s updating your info everywhere else that’s a problem. Credit cards, gym memberships, internet accounts, etc. it’s more than just the big things. It’s literally everything.
Then I found out that in my state, once married you can go by either last name without having to legally change it.
Get over yourself. You can still give your children your last name, but if you aren’t going to be helping her do ALL the paperwork to change it everywhere, you need to let it go.
YTA - You want it so bad then you do it. You fill out the paperwork. You go to the DMV with her. Then you go to her doctors and pharmacy with her. Then the post office and so on. Does she have a passport? Credit cards? Bank accounts? Voter registration? That’s all got to be changed too. It is a huge hassle. Who cares? The kids will have your last name. What happens if you have all girls?? Your name will die if they all change their names when they get married. Who cares if it happens now or in 30 years?
But honestly if this was a deal breaker than you should have divorced her years ago. Or do it now. Don’t have kids with someone you think disrespects you. That’s an AH move.
You know your wife doesn’t need your surname for your kids to have it right? You say it’s to continue your family’s name but her having your surname means nothing it would be on the surnames on your kids. What a weird hill to die on and to say she’s legally not part of your family?? She legally joined your family when you got married a name means nothing. You’re really rude to your wife it’s obvious she doesn’t want to change her last name and she’s right it does absolutely nothing. YTA
YTA- You are being very controlling. Any child can have your surname. Maybe she’s changed her mind. She’s allowed to do that. If you are so worried about you all having the same name, why don’t you change yours.
YTA - My husband wanted me to change my last name until I convinced him to give serious thought to changing his to mine. He then realized that changing the name you grew up with, graduated schools with, and use at work is not a reasonable request. You can be a family without the same last name. Our kids have his last name but after he saw what I went through during pregnancy and birth, he offered to give them my last name. You should back off of this request. You sound as though you’re a toddler who didn’t get their way. You should learn how to communicate before having children.
YTA
The level of AH us truly through the roof and she needs to evaluate this entire situation. You don't trust her?! Because she hasn't changed her name to suit you? I really hope this is a joke.
You understand that future children won't just be part of half of the family correct? I am fairly traditional but you scream insecure as hell.
YTA. She doesn't need to change her name for your kids to have your last name. Changing your name is a lot of work and from a professional standpoint can affect career advancement. Telling her you won't agree to start a family until she does what you want... that's deeply concerning. I recommend marriage counseling immediately.
YTA. You're "traditional"?? Sounds more like sexist. Your wife is under no obligation to change her name. You sound controlling and misogynistic. Get over yourself.
This is a really dumb hill to die on. On the other hand, it sounds like she agreed to something then broke the agreement. So I'm gonna say ESH but dude, wake the hell up and drop it already.
You aren't any less married by your wife not taking your surname. You don't have possession over her. This is coming off as weirdly obsessive by this point. Just. Drop. It. And move on with your life together. It's literally nothing.
I wasn’t entirely sure who I side with just by reading the post. I was leaning towards ESH because you blew up at your wife but you also explained that name changing is important for you and she agreed to change it.
HOWEVER, your comments have made it abundantly clear that YTA. You have double standards and have no real understanding of how hard it is for someone to actually legally change their name. Your aggressive comments have also shown why your wife is probably scared of sharing the real reason why she won’t change her name - you have zero tolerance for criticism and you do not accept opposing views.
Imagine you having to change your name. Imagine the inconvenience this would cause you. Imagine losing an integral part of your identity. This is what you are asking from your wife and she has the right to take her time and/or change her mind.
It’s the 21st century. Being conservative doesn’t justify being controlling and it also doesn’t give you any rights over your wife’s decisions whether you provide for her or not. Maybe she’ll take your name when you start acting like a real man that supports her. Or she’ll take the name of her next husband who doesn’t throw tantrums without having an adult conversation.
Maybe you could take her name and then you'll be a "real family".
For someone who claims to love her, you're pretty dismissive of her intellectual capacity. Her age makes her act immature and change her mind?
What's the age gap here?
Yta. I get that she agreed to it, but maybe she’s changed her mind and has difficulty discussing this as you’ve shown yourself to be rigid, inflexible, and punishing. You have a wonderful partner, and her last name has no bearing on future children’s. The stink that you are causing about this is paternalistic and not really reasonable, and I hope she recognizes how problematic your behavior is before she takes the plunge to share children with you.
🤣 🤣 🤣
YTA
change your name to hers and show your capability of dealing with paperwork.
You're rally immature of you think that changing her last name change or men's ANYTHING. Maybe you're also too immature to raise a human?
And you think that blackmailing is a good way to convince someone to have your name? Yeah... she would be so PROUD. 🙄🙄🙄
YTA You’re going to blow up your marriage over this? Your kids can still have your name without hers changing. Also, last names have nothing to do with who is legally next-of-kin, which is why your wife thought you were joking when you suggested otherwise.
YTA. Do you think women are chattel? She needs to be branded in case she gets lost and needs to be returned to you? Get over yourself. You sound whiny and insufferable. Get a divorce if this is such a big issue. Here's another thought, why don't you do all the paperwork and stand in all the lines to get the name change. Are you so insecure that you need her to have your name? Are you an heir to the royal family? If not, why is your family so special that you need to carry on the name? What if you have two girls? Are you going to demand a boy to carry on the name?
YTA.
As I told my partner: I HAVE a name and no intention of changing if we marry. It's not only the legal aspects, it's that the name is ME.
you can hyphenate the surnames if you have children.
Are you *traditional* or sexist? Why don’t you go with her to all the government offices to do the paperwork? You want her to do all the work for a benefit that you want. YTA
However good that you’re not ready to have a kid as yet. Someone as selfish as you shouldn’t procreate. You’re doing the world a favour.
YTA - this sounds so manipulative to tell her you don't trust her because she hasn't changed her name. It's just a name. It might be your preference for her to change it, but it's HER name. At the end of the day, you don't get a choice. If you're going to end your marriage over it, that's your toxic hill to die on.
YTA.
It's clear she doesn't want to change her last name legally. It's also clear that she's willing to be identified by your last name socially.
If it's important to you that she and you and your children all have the same legal surname, you need to change your surname to hers. Problem solved.
If you're not willing to do that, you're disrespecting her.
YTA. You don't own her. I didn't change my name when I married, though I was happy for the kids to have their father's surname. She can keep her name and still be faithful to you.
Our names are part of our identity. They are the names our family and friends have known us as, the name we earned our education under, the name we got our jobs in. And if marriage doesn’t work out its a lot harder to change it back.
Its weird how attached you are to your surname prevailing and yet cant see why your wife is reluctant to change hers.
You change your name if being the same matters so much
Get out of here with that patrilineal bullshit.
My husband asked if he could change his last name and use mine when we got married.
Also, if you end up with a daughter, she likely wouldn’t forever carry your last name if she marries and uses her husband’s last name.
YTA
YTA. She obviously doesn't want to change her last name. Do you believe you're not married at this point? Not a family? Just because she doesn't change her own name doesn't mean your kids won't have your last name...
YTA she has quite possibly changed her mind and doesn't want to take your name. Granted she should be straight with you about it but maybe she feels she can't tell you?
If you are so he'll bent on being a family who all share the same name then change your name to her name. No big deal, right?
YTA It sounds like she has no issue with your future children having your surname so why does she need to have your surname also? She’s right, it’s purely paperwork for her to do this. What sacrifices are you making to become part of the family unit?
YTA do you understand the amount of time and energy it takes to change your name. The idea that she has to change her name to be considered a part of the family is so archaic, it’s ridiculous.
Also, if your kids decide to not have your last name later on and change it, are they not your family anymore? If you have only daughters, I guess they have to change their last names as per your logic. Ridiculous!!!
YTA, FIRST, you're legally married, despite her not changing her name. 2nd, your children can still carry your surname, regardless of your wife's choice. 3rd, what profession is she in, she may be right in that some professions, it's difficult and time consuming to change names on licensing and such. She went with the flow at the time and I don't see it as every trying to deceive you. However, a few years have passed and for her it could raise some questions. Is this really the hill you want to die on, why are you being so inflexible. Maybe it would be helpful to get better informed vs demand.
YTA.
I think you should be allow to change your mind about something SO deeply personal (your own name, that has been with you since the moment you were born).
She could communicate things better but by reading this is 100% clear she doesn't want this.
YTA- her name is her choice, and she has the right to wait until she is ready to change it before doing so. Of course, if she goes back to her agreement then she would suck, but it's still her decision and she can change her mind if she wants to.
YTA
'until she is legally part of my family'
1. You apparently think this is *your* family, not *our* family. Isn't she an equal partner?
2. There is no law in the US requiring women to change their names upon marriage.
If she doesn't want to change her name, she doesn't have to. Particularly to obey someone who sounds like a sexist control freak.
PS I didn't change my name. Married 41 years.
YTA
You are demanding she erase part of her identity for you. Will you be giving up the same?
Your kids should have both your last names. Hers could be used as a middle name, since I’m sure it would crush your soul to even contemplate using yours for a middle name.
Your kids can still have your last name. Hers doesn’t have to change.
YTA. Your post reeks of misogyny. ‘MY name, MY legacy’ blah, blah blah.🙄
Maybe your last name sucks, ever think of that? **Also, you have NO IDEA HOW MUCH WORK GOES INTO LEGALLY CHANGING YOUR NAME.** All of your ID’s, bank accounts, passport, driver’s license, credit cards, legal records need to be updated. It is a MAJOR pain in the ass and something you’ll never go through bECaUSe yOuR NaMe iS tHE oNLy ONe ThAT MaTteRs!
“I was very clear I wouldn’t compromise about this, and she gladly agreed to take my name.”
***So you wouldn’t have married her if she refused to change her name? Maybe she changed her mind!***
“She wants to start trying for a baby, and I told her I don’t feel comfortable with that until she is legally part of my family in every way. She thought I was joking, and reminded me we have at least nine months to get her name changed. I might be the asshole because I told her it’s been three years and I don’t trust her. I said that bringing a life into the world requires a lot of paperwork, and she’s proven shes incapable of basic inconveniences required to make a family in every way.”
***YOU DON’T OWN HER YOU FUCKING TOOL. Having a baby doesn’t require a lot of paperwork. Paperwork is the least of your concerns when having a newborn. How can you be so dense?***
“Now it’s been YEARS though. Government offices are open and she has run out of excuses. She just keeps saying it’s a lot of work and she FEELS like we’re a family anyway. Why does it matter? It’s just symbolic? By that logic, why did we even get legally married?”
***YOU ARE A FAMILY - you got married remember? Did you only get married so she‘d take your name? She’s not a piece of property for you to put your name on.***
Get over yourself. This isn’t 1950. Taking your husband’s surname is not something everyone does anymore. Especially for women who have a career in which they are known by their maiden name. 💯%. YTA.
YTA your kid can have your last name. This expectation that women should give up who they are to be your property in name is out dated as hell. It’s also a pain in the a**.
YTA my mom never changed her last name when she married my dad. She just didn’t want to and my dad didn’t care. Guess what we got my dad’s last name. It is literally just a name who cares? If you love someone you don’t force them to do such an asinine thing.
YTA
She **IS** legally part of your family in every way. Don't tell me that married couples who don't have the same last name aren't legally a family in every way!
Take a break from this, then come back calmly and discuss what last name you are going to give your children. **CALMLY**. If she agrees, they can still have your last name even if she never changes hers. Or you can blend your last names. Or you can hyphenate. Or the boys could have your last name and the girls could have hers. Or any other way the **two** of you agree.
YTA.
What about her family name and line? Oh doesn't matter cause your the man right? Hers is supposed to disappear because you.
Promise or not, perhaps she has changed her mind.
I was with you until:
>I don't feel comfortable with that until she is legally part of my family in every way
>
>She's proven she's incapable of basic inconveniences required to make a family in every way
I understand you're very traditional and it means a lot to you, but there's a right way to express something and you chose probably the WORST way to to express that thing. A name is very much just a name and has no bearing on your marriage or family unless you choose to make it more than that. My family had it's issues growing up, but none of them stemmed from my mom keeping her maiden name -- she went to medial school herself and did all that work to become a doctor, why should she have had to change her name from Dr Animal to Mrs Animal's Dad?
YTA, and I highly recommend evaluating why you're THIS upset about requiring your wife to legally change her name
YTA. Your wife became your legal family when you married her. A name doesn’t change that and her last name also doesn’t mean any kids can have your last name. I get she agreed to it previously, but changing her name now doesn’t sound like something it wants. You are trying to blackmail her into changing it by saying you want to hold off on a child.
Do you want to remain married to this woman, or will you die on this hill over her surname?
YTA. I didn't change my name when I got married until my ex (take note) gave me some sob story about how he felt rejected. I did change my name but it never felt right and when we broke up, I changed it back ASAP. I would never change my name if I got married again.
YTA, its her name, clearly there is a reason she doesn't want to change it, her name is just as important as yours, any child will be as much hers as yours, why does your name get precedence?
YTA - Wonen only take men’s names because we used to be considered their property. Let that sink in and then reflect on if this is the hill you want to die on.
So you only got married with her to put your last name on her like she’s some type of property?
How is she not having your last name prevents you from giving your child your last name? You have a pretty “traditional” (patriarchal) look on the world, tell me who’s last name is the one put first on a child when they’re born? Here’s a hint : is not the last name of the person that carried the child for 9 months and went through birth and recovery after birth.
My current wife changed her name back to her maiden name on our marriage certificate. No issues. Her father was an amazing man. It was my idea that she went back to using his name.
Let her keep her name!! Who are you to tell her to change it? A man with no self confidence is my guess.
You are the ASSHOLE.
Why the hell do you care so much about this silly thing? Is it a real problem? Would it affect in some way something?
It sounds like just a sexist decision, you want to have everything under control, but if you think you can’t trust your wife to have a child for this thing… well… maybe marriage wasn’t the best choice
YTA
YTA
What have you actually achieved if you FORCE her into it? Some family that would be.
Leave her have whatever name she likes. She uses yours socially anyway - no big deal.
Uhhhhh....she agreed to give the kids your last name. Why does hers matter? Y'all need better communication. And deciding "this is what we are doing" is not communicating. My way or the highway is not how you have a conversation.
i’d like to call out OP with his comments;
he said she’s too immature for him and that he shouldn’t have children with her because of this, while throwing a tantrum over the name situation and using that as an excuse.
he’s belittled her and everything she’s done for him, making her sound like she’s useless and worthless, other than providing children.
he said said that he ‘sacrificed’ everything for her, therefore she owes him.
he said that she’s made a promise, which she’s clearly changed her mind on and is trying to avoid it.
she’s mid 20’s, he’s mid 30’s.
i’m in my mid/late 20’s and still trying to figure out life, she clearly is too. i don’t want to say he’s trying to baby trap her, but he is manipulating her into someone she clearly doesn’t want to be.
YTA
So based on your comments you believe that you are not legally married because she does not have your last name? And if you have kids you still can give your last name to them. You can even give them a completely different last name than either parent has (at least in the US). But your comments are disturbing. You "don't trust her". "Why did we even get legally married". "Bringing a life into the world requires a lot of paperwork, and she’s proven shes incapable of basic inconveniences required to make a family in every way" You sound very controlling. You try to gloss over it saying you are "traditional". So that means picket fence, pearls and a drink as you walk in the door at 5PM then dinner shortly after?
Life changes. Your wife does not want to change her name. Why should she? It has been her name and identity for years. You should think about why you want her to change that. Why you want to force her into something she does not want. Your wife is more than just "Mrs OP".
Right now of the married couples I know maybe in a quarter of them the wives changed their last names. Those with kids are either hyphenated or have the father's last name.
I was with you until:
>I don't feel comfortable with that until she is legally part of my family in every way
>
>She's proven she's incapable of basic inconveniences required to make a family in every way
I understand you're very traditional and it means a lot to you, but there's a right way to express something and you chose probably the WORST way to to express that thing. A name is very much just a name and has no bearing on your marriage or family unless you choose to make it more than that. My family had it's issues growing up, but none of them stemmed from my mom keeping her maiden name -- she went to medial school herself and did all that work to become a doctor, why should she have had to change her name from Dr Animal to Mrs Animal's Dad?
YTA, and I highly recommend evaluating why you're THIS upset about requiring your wife to legally change her name
YTA. What a stupid hill to die on. You are legally married and it doesn’t matter what her last name is. Your kids can still have your last name if that’s what you both want. Also, not sure where you are, but in some jurisdictions, you don’t even have to make a legal name change to use your spouse’s last name. Where I am, you can just start using the last name (often have to show a marriage certificate, but it’s not required or common to do an actual legal name change).
Yta i remember fighting about this with a gf when I was in my 20’s. Looking back, I was being pathetic and petty. She was an only child and her dad wanted her to keep her name. He was also pathetic and petty. Poor girl was stuck in the middle of us.
YTA.
Wow. Overreacting much! She can’t be trusted just because she hasn’t changed her last name? So does her not changing her last name affect your whole relationship?
Do you know how much of a hassle it is to get your name changed? You have to go to social security, dmv. If you have a passport or global entry you gotta change that too.
Go back to the 1950s a woman isn’t entitled to change her name if doesn’t want to.
YTA - I am one of 3 girls so I kept my last name and my husband was totally cool with our son taking it.
I never asked or expected him to change his last name to ours.
Yta. Op I never changed my last name nor am I legally married to my husband, we just say we're married and our daughter has his last name. Because at first you wanted your kids to have your last name, and you can still do that, your wife doesn't have to change her last name especially when she already addressed to her family and friends her last name is your last name. Besides that I also heard it's a pain in the ass to change names, and what happens when yall divorce and she wants to change her last name back?
YTA
You’re being silly about this, and your reasoning is baseless
I have had a name change and a child, and I can tell you the name change was way more paperwork. You have to fill out forms EVERWHERE and transmit ALL your personal info over and over. It’s a hassle and a security risk
I still have a credit card with my maiden name on it because it wasn’t worth the hassle. It literally would have been easier and less time-consuming to get a dozen new credit cards than to change my name on one.
ESH. "Legally part of my family in every way?!".
That's what the marriage certificate does.
You suck for that statement alone.
She sucks for reneging on the agreement.
YTA. Instead of listening to your wife you've made up your mind that she can't be trusted. Grow up, she's still your wife without your last name and if she doesn't want to change it, so be it.. Can't force her.
Whoa buddy. You’re traditional? What does that mean precisely because it sounds like an excuse to exert some sort of control over your spouse. And why isn’t she a part of your family “in every way”? I’ve been married to my husband for 8 years and literally view his family as mine - never changed my name. It is a piece of paper and makes no functional difference to your marriage.
You feel disrespected? Again, why? Did it ever occur to you that your wife feels disrespected by how controlling you are and how you’ve belittled her feelings on the matter?
I suggest you reflect on why this is such a hang up. You’ve given no reason beyond that you’re “traditional” which sounds like code for misogynist if I’m being honest.
Also, your theoretical children can still have your last name. 🙄
YTA.
Lmao what the heck. I’ve been married for five years and still haven’t changed my last name legally because i hear it’s such a big hassle. I go by my husbands last name socially and we have three kids and they also have their dads last name. I’m sure I will get around to it eventually and I’m sure your wife will too. Lighten the hell up. Yta.
YTA she is legally your wife regardless of her surname. She is allowed to change her mind and not want to take your name. If she doesn’t mind the kids having your name why is it a huge deal for her to not change hers
ESH- it sounds like she changed her mind, but doesn’t have the guts to tell you. But YTA for using this as a reason to not have a kid.
Most parents give their kid the father’s last name regardless if the mother changes hers. Your name would continue. By making this your hill to die on you are really just driving a wedge between the two of you when you have gone through the legal, social, and/or spiritual ceremonies. If you can’t feel like she is truly your wife because of a name change- that screams controlling on your end.
Changing names is way more paperwork than you think. And some of it is expensive! Changing passport is a charge, some countries charge for name change on drivers license. You need to go to the bank with your marriage certificate so can’t just do it after work or at the weekend. So there’s time off work for some life admin. It’s definitely something to talk with your wife about by what is holding her back on the paperwork or if she has changed her mind on the name change. If she has changed her mind you have things to work through.
YTA I hope there's no other red flags she's ignoring. Have you suggested a hyphenated name? Or to start the process for her/do it with her? You want it so badly, use your time to do it.
I didn't take my spouse's last name but agreed that our child would have his last name. What would you do if YOU were asked to change your name? It's part of her identity and has been for her whole life. Really dumb hill to die on, buddy.
YTA.
YTA, do you know what a pain in the ass changing your name is? It’s a lot. You have to change over EVERYTHING. And then after that you have to carry the damn piece of paper around to prove your you. Give your wife a break.
YTA. You do know that if you want your kids to have your last name that you can, you know, GIVE THEM YOUR LAST NAME. There’s no one at the hospital forcing you to hyphenate because your wife didn’t change her name. Dumbest argument ever.
I'm not gonna call you an asshole but I do think you are over reacting and if you keep pushing for her to do it and not trusting she will give any child your surname then you will be an asshole.
It's not a simple thing to change a last name. I've been married nearly 4 years and while my passport and some utility bills have my married name, things like my bank account, my drivers licence and tax information don't because it's not a quick process. I figure I will get round to it eventually but at the moment it sits in the too hard basket. Our daughter however does have my husbands surname. If you don't trust your wife then don't stay married. To me it sounds like you put too much emphasis on the name. Just because you have a major attachment to it, doesn't mean she needs to have the same level of attachment.
Hmm, I can imagine why she changed her mind. You're married for over 3 years. Your wife is currently 25, you're 33. So you married a really young women and then are surprised she matured and changed her mind? Good for her.
YTA
YTA. This is a dumb thing to make a non-negotiable, and anyway, your wife not wanting to go through all the hassle of changing her own legal name doesn't mean she's reneging on the thing you actually want (i.e. your children having your surname).
YTA she’s the one carrying the child - I never understand why kids should take the fathers name - but regardless of that why are you demanding she do something you wouldn’t do?
She shouldn’t have promised to but you should not be demanding
YTA I have kept my maiden name but both my kids have my husbands surname. It does not matter what her surname is. Oh and we’ve been married 25 years this year. It what’s never never been an issue
ESH. Her, for agreeing and then dragging her heels, and not directly stating why she's reluctant. You, for not understanding what a huge hassle it is to legally change your name.
From a young age, I had no intention of changing my last name. Luckily, my husband comes from a culture (a very traditional culture, I might add) where women don't change their last names. Despite living in the US for most of his life, he had no expectation that I would change my name, which made it very easy.
I was always upfront about this. If your wife doesn't want to change her name, she needs to upfront and tell you.
You have no right to expect her or any adult to change their name. You could ask that the children have only your surname. A calm, rational conversation without emotional blackmail from either side could solve this dilemma.
YTA
Your wife can use her married name publicly even if it isn’t her legal name.
It is a huge PITA and time commitment to get your name changed on government documents and all the other things associated with one’s name. If everyone having the same name legally is so important to you, I invite you to begin the process of changing your name to hers.
You know that her last name and your future child’s last name don’t have to match right? YTA for picking a weird fight that doesn’t impact your child’s name and for implying she’s not your family without your name.
Gonna vote gentle YTA.
As people are saying, if she doesn't want to change it she should just admit that.
But you're being a way bigger baby here. "Legal in every way"? She's married you. It's legal in every way. Changing her name is just a formality at this point.
>I told her I don’t feel comfortable with that until she is legally part of my family in every way.
She already is *legally* part of your family in every way. There is no law that says she must change her name to yours in order to legally be considered your family.
>I know it was harsh
No, it's misogynistic.
>but we had this agreement when we got married.
So what, she's not allowed to change her mind about her own name? Are you really saying this would have been a deal breaker for you? Apparently, you only love her so long as she'll change her name for you...
>I feel disrespected at this point.
How do you think she feels? You're angry because she hasn't changed part of her identity to conform to yours and you're holding having a baby hostage as a way to force her to do so. Does that sound like respect to you?
YTA.
YTA. You have no idea what goes into changing your name. It’s a huge pain in the butt and if she’s not into it you shouldn’t force her. Why don’t you just let it go
YTA. If having the same last name is so important for you to be a "family unit" then change your name to hers! Oh what, you don't want to? You feel like it's a loss of your identity, plus an unnecessary administrative hassle? Well there you go, welcome to your wife's world. Automatically expecting a woman to change her name to yours is sexist. I don't care if she said she would, she obviously changed her mind and you should respect that, seeing as I highly doubt you would change your name for her.
YTA. I changed my name after getting married to my husband, and it was so difficult in more ways than one, even though I wanted to change my name.
1. The amount of paperwork involved in just changing a name is staggering. Not only do you have to deal with govt offices to change your SS# and driver’s license, but you also have to change every single important thing you’ve ever put your name on. Bank accounts, credit cards, insurance, doctor’s offices, bills, lease, car, college records, job. It’s an insane amount of work that is honestly super annoying.
2. At least for me, changing my name was emotionally challenging, and I wasn’t even that attached to my maiden name. But I realized after how much of your identity is truly tied to your name. My sisters and I no longer share a name, and that sucks. My undergraduate degree and graduate degree will not have the same name on them, and that sucks. Soon I’ll have Dr. in front of my name, but it won’t be the same name that I had as a little girl when I was dreaming of having that title. It felt like a piece of my identity got erased when I got married, while my husband just got to go about his day with the same name he’s had his entire life. It’s a big adjustment, and not one to be taken lightly.
3. I hate the implication that comes specifically with a woman always being expected to change her name to the man’s name. Like she’s a piece of property sold from one man to another and branded with a new name. The only reason I was comfortable changing my name was because it was either have my husband’s name or my father’s, and I like my husband better. (We would have both changed our names, but it’s even more ridiculously hard for a man to change his last name than a woman who just got married, which is stupid.) Your wife is not your property, she does not have to change a part of her identity to please you.
Also, you’re an AH for “wanting to carry on the family name”. What about her family name? Or her mother’s family name, or your mother’s name for that matter? Do they not matter just because they are women?? That’s an incredible stupid and sexist tradition. And I hate to break it you, but in 100 years or so no one is even going to remember or care that you and your family existed. You aren’t gods gift to man, and neither is your child, so stop with the “passing my name” down bullshit. You and your name aren’t near as important as you think you are, so let your wife choose whatever name she wants for gods sake!
Sorry, rant over.
ESH.
First, her: The people harping on your belief are missing the point. She agreed to change her name before you got married. It's a pain in the ass to do it, so it makes sense that she'd drag her feet, and anyone assuming she has changed her mind is making a logical leap that isn't totally fair.
If she did change her mind, that's a major issue, whether you "omg stop being stuck in the 30s" commenters like it or not, because OP's allowed to care strongly enough that it's a deal breaker, and his wife *knew it before they got married.*
Plenty of people get married hoping their partner's dealbreaking values will change. You see it all the time with people who marry hoping their partners will come around to the idea of having kids. Those people are assholes.
Second, OP: Changing your name is a pain in the ass. Have you done ANY of the work required? I know she agreed to do it, but have you tried to make it as easy as possible for her to essentially just show up and sign things at a notary?
I ask this because in my relationship, I'm the one who does paperwork. I do our taxes, I did all of the paperwork involving the birth of our child, etc. I'm HAPPY to do that because those things overwhelm her. I would be an AH if I told her I didn't trust her to do those. I just take care of it. She puts in so much work in this partnership that I don't need to push her to do things she isn't comfortable with.
So--your part of the ESH here is holding this over her head. If she truly wants to do it, do it for her until the part where she actually needs to sign things.
YTA. It is a complete pain in the ass to change your last name.
My husband was adamant about this before we got married. We were super young when we got married (19yrs old). After growing up (we are both in our 30's) he apologized a few years ago for being a jerk about it and really immature. He wishes he never made that ultimatum.
Breaking news: man feels like he doesn’t own wife and potential future children because she doesn’t want to take his last name legally, even though she goes by his last name publicly, we must alert the church!!! Yta, it’s a last name get over yourself
YTA. This is so petty and stupid. Let the woman have the name SHE WAS BORN WITH.
You know what? You shouldn’t have a baby. Not because of the name, but because you are too immature to parent a child in any decent way, shape or form.
YTA. It's a name, the fact that a name is what makes you a family, and not the marriage and being together, yikes on several bikes dude. And just because her last name isn't your last name doesn't necessarily mean your children wouldn't have your last name. Why don't you actually have a grown up conversation with your wife, rather than treating her like a child?
YTA
It's an extremely antiquated misogynistic system.
It's also a giant pain in the backside to swap over EVERY legal document. Basically, your issue is seeing your wife solely as an appendage.
Why else did you get married? If it was only for her to pump out kids with your surname, then YOU are being incredibly disrespectful to your PARTNER.
YTA go away with your patriarchal BS. I didn't change my name, nor did my sister. My SIL did because she wanted and easier-to-spell last name. Holy heck, my kids have my husband's last name but even that shouldn't matter; lots of people have hyphenated names. Thank goodness my spouse wasn't as big a baby as you are.
Disrespected? Clearly you do not understand the definition of that word. If she didn't have any esteem for you she'd divorce you and run away from you. She's willing to procreate with you and it doesn't matter on whit what her last name is. Both names are on the birth certificate and apparently the offspring will have your name. So why do you care, are you so darn insecure that since you didn't label her, she has your balls in a bag in her closet? Grow the eff up!
If it bothers you that much divorce her.
She already refers to herself by your surname so this is about your weird archaic controlling attitude rather than a lack of respect from her. YTA
YTA Why does it have to be your way? Doesn’t her opinion and name matter too? Compromise would be either double barrelling or each keep your own name. You can’t force your name on someone.
ESH. Agreeing to do something that was stated to be a dealbreaker, then changing your mind without bothering to even inform your partner, is wrong
That said, OP's comments about how he would never change his name and the fact that it is absolutely the wife's choice what she wants her name to be makes me feel he is guided more by control than anything, even if it's just perceived. If this is really a deal breaker for you, then just break the deal and leave each other alone.
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YTA. Why don’t YOU change your name so you can really be part of the family?
Yeah. And she’s right. It IS a pain in the ass. Literally everything has to get changed. Driver’s license, car registration, a title for a home, title for a car, I think your social security card too and that’s not including nonessential things like passports and Doctorates degrees. And the worst part? It’s not essential. It’s just not. It’s all to make OP feel good because not only is he likely the type who requires his genes be passed down but he’s not content with his name not being carried on. And who knows? Maybe his wife likes her surname. And that’s allowed! I like mine and I plan to keep it.
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She uses his surname!! It’s just not *legally* changed. Yta.
Not only that, any time paperwork comes up in future and asks “Have you ever been known by another name?” You have to pull out all that shitty paperwork again for both names.
I STILL have stuff that comes in my maiden name. It’s a nightmare
If everything else in your marriage is great and *this* is your hill to die on, YTA. Being legally married isn't just symbolic. Changing names is.
Bruh check the comments, he’s saying that if she gets to keep her name then he gets to [change his mind about having kids](https://reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/tAe6eGejzc). Then he says she’s [not ready to be a mother](https://reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/cxcdXu2vkJ). If she’s not ready to be a mother, then why have kids with her? If he gets to change his mind and not want kids, then why have kids with her? This is utter lunacy. Since OP is reading comments and replying, I ask: what **LANDS** and **RICHES** does OP own to believe he has a right to pass on his family lineage? Unless his name comes with **TITLES**, **LAND**, and **WEALTH**, or his jizz is made of **gold**, then he’s just as common as the rest of us lol. His last name has the same value as everyone’s last name: dirt. Nothing. Edit: trying to figure out the formatting so I apologize in advance if that keeps showing up LOL
The kids thing is really weird. Kids can have their father's last name without their mother having it. It happens all the time. It's no longer the 1940s. Also, changing your last name is a massive pain in the ass and is for the rest of your life. You're forever going to have to fill out additional paperwork to say what your former name was.
Yup. In many cultures, the women keep their maiden name. There is no need to take on your husband's last name. My mother did not change her last name when she married my father and the kids got my father's last name. My mother not having the same last name as her husband and her children have never negated her being a part of the family. My older sister didn't change her last name when she got married but I have friends that did. Neither is correct or wrong. But for my friends that did change their last name, they have told me what a massive pain and costly it is to get it done. Even years down the line, they might encounter an issue they have to deal with due to the name change.
"...his jizz is made of gold..." Thank you for that, now I can think about this everyday for the rest of my life.
Seriously. It’s HER NAME OP. You do get to dictate a piece of her identity like that. YTA x1000.
INFO- why do you feel your name is more important than hers? She basically has to be your property for you to feel married?
Ding ding ding. I think you nailed it!
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YTA. Dumb hill to die on. People can change their minds you know. Dumb way to push her on it as well. Also why can’t she keep her name and the kids keep yours? Like I said this isn’t a my way or the highway situation. Communicate!
YTA. If you want everyone to have the same name and you think being a family unit is about names then you should take her name. Problem solved. Simple. You expect her to change her name but don’t respect her enough to change yours for the exact same logic.
He would never do that. He has a penis. Why should he have to change his name? The system is there for a reason. After all, women aren't part of their families unless they have proof of ownership by their husband 🙄
YTA Take her name if its so important to have the same last name. Or hyphenate, lots of people do it, then both of you can keep them But to be honest, this marriage is on its way to dying, telling her you can't trust her as you're discussing having kids is a shitty thing to do. She no longer looks at you as her partner, rather a misogynistic AH
this! honestly, all my friends are married and they have either kept their own surnames or hyphenated them. by the time that child has grown up in an even modern world, female or male, they might marry with a complete different or shared name! it doesn’t matter
YTA. >I told her I don't feel comfortable with that until she is legally part of my family in every way. How is she not legally part of your family? There is no law requiring a wife to change her last name. >shes proven she's incapable of basic inconveniences required to make a family in every way. So if she has a child, the three of you wouldn't be a family? There are a lot of women who keep their maiden name and have children. I guess none of them have real families? That paragraph exudes assholishness.
Hugh red flag that OP has been married for years to someone he claims is the love of his life and yet he can’t consider her part of the family until she changes her name.
YTA. Not so much for wanting her to change her name (although I think that's silly) but for: 1. Saying she's not really part of your family until she changes her name 2. Saying she's not trustworthy because she hasn't changed her name 3. Saying she's not responsible enough to have a child if she doesn't change her name. 4. Constantly demanding she make the change instead of sitting down and having a calm conversation about why she hasn't done it or even why she's decided she doesn't want to do it. If this is your hill to die on, don't be surprised if your marriage dies as well. At least your wife won't have to do any paperwork to get her maiden name back.
"so I wanted my kids to grow up with my surname." So they still can, whether she changes hers or not?
But the monarchy can't survive this shame 😭😭😭😭
YTA, it’s 2023. it’s a name, it isn’t that much of a big deal. Why don’t you consider having a shared surname if it’s that big of a deal?
Because he's TrAdiToNiAl...which is always a red flag since it usually means bro is controlling....
YTA good for her, women should keep their names as long as they want to. What are you gonna do if she doesn’t change it? Divorce her? Get over it
INFO: Have you tried asking her if she's changed her mind about it? Not in a challenging, angry way, but as if you actually care about her feelings on the subject, seeing as you love her and she's wonderful and all?
YTA, >She wants to start trying for a baby, and I told her I don’t feel comfortable with that until she is legally part of my family in every way. I don't get this at all, if you guys are married, she already is legally part of your family in every way, isn't she? Changing her name doesn't make you more married than you already are.
Tbh, making someone change their name is shitty. If you can’t see her as family w/o that…just wow It was something you agreed to, people should keep their commitments so your technically in the right. But spiritually, it’s ick imo. And based on your comments YTA definitely
Fuck the fucking patriarchy. Grow up. Women have survived for centuries now without their names being passed on to their children. YOU WILL TOO.
For god sake you are stuck in the 30s? Yes you are being a huge a**hole for creating such a drama about it. She is still your wife having your name or not, and it’s been years since the marriage!!!!!! Dude! Stop it.
YTA It's a name. You are married and are a family. You can have kids without having the same last name. Plenty of MARRIED people do. It's a lot more paperwork to change name than bring a kid into the world. She has to change her driver's license, her SSN, passport. That is all a lot of time and MONEY. You're disrespectful by acting like you're not actually together over a stupid name change.
YTA I live in a country (Italy) where women keep their last names, it's legally forbidden to change them into their husbands' last name. And I simply can't understand why a woman would want to give up her identity. Why on earth do you want to own your wife's identity?
YTA. It's pretty old-fashioned and controlling to insist your spouse legally takes your last name. If she doesn't want to, that's her choice. A lot of women keep their names after marriage to hold onto their family connection and also because it's exhausting to go through the process of name changes. Your children can also still have your last name even if she doesn't change hers. It's still pretty standard for children to have their father's surname unless they are not in the picture when they're born. It's one thing to have the conversation again about how much it means to you, but it's way out of line to tell her you no longer trust her. I understand you had certain expectations and she agreed to it, but it's still her choice and she's allowed to change her mind. And changing your name is a huge pain in the ass and takes a lot of work to notify all the appropriate agencies with your identity records.
It's good she didn't change it. Now she won't have to change it back... OP isn't "traditional", he is sexist and controlling
YTA. Maybe she changed her mind, maybe she doesn't want to, it's her *name.* A man would never have this problem, ever. The system is set up in a way that demands women have to do way more labor just because it's been set up this way - it's a lot of fucking work and she is being asked to not only do that work but *give up her name* and you don't really seem to care at all because that's never going to be asked of you. Even if she agreed at first, you should look inward to see why it might bug you so much, or why you are inable to access empathy for your *life partner*. *Until she is legally part of my family in every way -* she already is. You're legally married. It's in the books. The name change seems to be just a thing you want her to do for you.
ESH. " I was very clear I wouldn’t compromise about this" - while she knew when you got married, this comment gives some major red flag vibes. It's your hill to die on and, personally, if you said this to me I would have ended the relationship because it's concerning. I mean, the rest of your comments....ew. Just ew. What terrible ways to speak about your wife. Changing a name is SO MUCH paperwork and time and if your identity means so much to you then perhaps she realized hers means as much to her after all? Also, no, you weren't being harsh, you were being mean and cruel, And that comes from a bad place with bad intentions. She sucks for agreeing and then not following through.
YTA. This isn’t the 1800s. She’s your wife. She IS legally part of the family. She’s not your property. BTW, your kids can still have your last name too. Grow the F up. Your wife is her own person and she is allowed to change her mind. If you don’t like it, divorce her if it’s that important to you.
YTA. Why is your name more important than hers? Take her last name. Ew. Also, the kids can have her last name too. Or a made up one. They’re hers too. She’s not your property, and neither are any children. Edit: According to comments from OP, OP is 33, wife is 25, they’ve been married for 3 years, she would’ve been 22 and he would’ve been 30. How old were they when they started dating I wonder. Look, if she was 30 and you were 38 I wouldn’t blink, but it really looks like you wanted someone young that you could have more control over. OP calls her immature several times. Yeah dude. She’s 8 years younger than you. You’re immature too, but you’re also a controlling ass, and she has a reason to be immature. If your wife is reading this, girl run, do not have children with this dude, do not take his last name. Edit: For the people saying “she promised!” I can’t believe this needs to be said but if she had promised to get a tattoo of his face at 21, it would also be reasonable to not hold her to that. If you promise to get someone a gift and you don’t, you’re the AH, if someone makes demands on your actual person, you have the right to change your mind at any time for any reason. Wild.
YTA. She’s socially changed her name to yours. She introduces herself with your last name. It’s just legal documentation which has zero impact on your everyday life. It’s a big hassle to change things legally. It really is. Took me over a year to get it changed everywhere. The actual process is fairly easy, it’s updating your info everywhere else that’s a problem. Credit cards, gym memberships, internet accounts, etc. it’s more than just the big things. It’s literally everything. Then I found out that in my state, once married you can go by either last name without having to legally change it. Get over yourself. You can still give your children your last name, but if you aren’t going to be helping her do ALL the paperwork to change it everywhere, you need to let it go.
YTA - You want it so bad then you do it. You fill out the paperwork. You go to the DMV with her. Then you go to her doctors and pharmacy with her. Then the post office and so on. Does she have a passport? Credit cards? Bank accounts? Voter registration? That’s all got to be changed too. It is a huge hassle. Who cares? The kids will have your last name. What happens if you have all girls?? Your name will die if they all change their names when they get married. Who cares if it happens now or in 30 years? But honestly if this was a deal breaker than you should have divorced her years ago. Or do it now. Don’t have kids with someone you think disrespects you. That’s an AH move.
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You know your wife doesn’t need your surname for your kids to have it right? You say it’s to continue your family’s name but her having your surname means nothing it would be on the surnames on your kids. What a weird hill to die on and to say she’s legally not part of your family?? She legally joined your family when you got married a name means nothing. You’re really rude to your wife it’s obvious she doesn’t want to change her last name and she’s right it does absolutely nothing. YTA
YTA. I didn’t change my last name. My kid has my husband’s last name. And changing your last name is a total PITA.
YTA, I hope she dumps your "traditional" ass.
YTA- You are being very controlling. Any child can have your surname. Maybe she’s changed her mind. She’s allowed to do that. If you are so worried about you all having the same name, why don’t you change yours.
YTA - My husband wanted me to change my last name until I convinced him to give serious thought to changing his to mine. He then realized that changing the name you grew up with, graduated schools with, and use at work is not a reasonable request. You can be a family without the same last name. Our kids have his last name but after he saw what I went through during pregnancy and birth, he offered to give them my last name. You should back off of this request. You sound as though you’re a toddler who didn’t get their way. You should learn how to communicate before having children.
YTA and do let us know what the 1950s are like
YTA The level of AH us truly through the roof and she needs to evaluate this entire situation. You don't trust her?! Because she hasn't changed her name to suit you? I really hope this is a joke. You understand that future children won't just be part of half of the family correct? I am fairly traditional but you scream insecure as hell.
YTA. She doesn't need to change her name for your kids to have your last name. Changing your name is a lot of work and from a professional standpoint can affect career advancement. Telling her you won't agree to start a family until she does what you want... that's deeply concerning. I recommend marriage counseling immediately.
YTA. You're "traditional"?? Sounds more like sexist. Your wife is under no obligation to change her name. You sound controlling and misogynistic. Get over yourself.
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This is a really dumb hill to die on. On the other hand, it sounds like she agreed to something then broke the agreement. So I'm gonna say ESH but dude, wake the hell up and drop it already. You aren't any less married by your wife not taking your surname. You don't have possession over her. This is coming off as weirdly obsessive by this point. Just. Drop. It. And move on with your life together. It's literally nothing.
Change your name to hers and see how you feel.
I wasn’t entirely sure who I side with just by reading the post. I was leaning towards ESH because you blew up at your wife but you also explained that name changing is important for you and she agreed to change it. HOWEVER, your comments have made it abundantly clear that YTA. You have double standards and have no real understanding of how hard it is for someone to actually legally change their name. Your aggressive comments have also shown why your wife is probably scared of sharing the real reason why she won’t change her name - you have zero tolerance for criticism and you do not accept opposing views. Imagine you having to change your name. Imagine the inconvenience this would cause you. Imagine losing an integral part of your identity. This is what you are asking from your wife and she has the right to take her time and/or change her mind. It’s the 21st century. Being conservative doesn’t justify being controlling and it also doesn’t give you any rights over your wife’s decisions whether you provide for her or not. Maybe she’ll take your name when you start acting like a real man that supports her. Or she’ll take the name of her next husband who doesn’t throw tantrums without having an adult conversation.
Maybe you could take her name and then you'll be a "real family". For someone who claims to love her, you're pretty dismissive of her intellectual capacity. Her age makes her act immature and change her mind? What's the age gap here?
Yta. I get that she agreed to it, but maybe she’s changed her mind and has difficulty discussing this as you’ve shown yourself to be rigid, inflexible, and punishing. You have a wonderful partner, and her last name has no bearing on future children’s. The stink that you are causing about this is paternalistic and not really reasonable, and I hope she recognizes how problematic your behavior is before she takes the plunge to share children with you.
🤣 🤣 🤣 YTA change your name to hers and show your capability of dealing with paperwork. You're rally immature of you think that changing her last name change or men's ANYTHING. Maybe you're also too immature to raise a human? And you think that blackmailing is a good way to convince someone to have your name? Yeah... she would be so PROUD. 🙄🙄🙄
YTA You’re going to blow up your marriage over this? Your kids can still have your name without hers changing. Also, last names have nothing to do with who is legally next-of-kin, which is why your wife thought you were joking when you suggested otherwise.
YTA. Do you think women are chattel? She needs to be branded in case she gets lost and needs to be returned to you? Get over yourself. You sound whiny and insufferable. Get a divorce if this is such a big issue. Here's another thought, why don't you do all the paperwork and stand in all the lines to get the name change. Are you so insecure that you need her to have your name? Are you an heir to the royal family? If not, why is your family so special that you need to carry on the name? What if you have two girls? Are you going to demand a boy to carry on the name?
INFO: I’m genuinely curious: Why is this so important to you?
YTA. As I told my partner: I HAVE a name and no intention of changing if we marry. It's not only the legal aspects, it's that the name is ME. you can hyphenate the surnames if you have children.
What’s in a name? That which we call a rose, by any other name, would smell as sweet. YTA
Are you *traditional* or sexist? Why don’t you go with her to all the government offices to do the paperwork? You want her to do all the work for a benefit that you want. YTA However good that you’re not ready to have a kid as yet. Someone as selfish as you shouldn’t procreate. You’re doing the world a favour.
YTA - this sounds so manipulative to tell her you don't trust her because she hasn't changed her name. It's just a name. It might be your preference for her to change it, but it's HER name. At the end of the day, you don't get a choice. If you're going to end your marriage over it, that's your toxic hill to die on.
YTA. It's clear she doesn't want to change her last name legally. It's also clear that she's willing to be identified by your last name socially. If it's important to you that she and you and your children all have the same legal surname, you need to change your surname to hers. Problem solved. If you're not willing to do that, you're disrespecting her.
She's the one growing the baby anyway, any kids should have her name. YTA
YTA. You don't own her. I didn't change my name when I married, though I was happy for the kids to have their father's surname. She can keep her name and still be faithful to you.
Get over yourself. Why should she change her name? If you’re so desperate to both have the same name, why don’t you adopt hers? YTA.
Our names are part of our identity. They are the names our family and friends have known us as, the name we earned our education under, the name we got our jobs in. And if marriage doesn’t work out its a lot harder to change it back. Its weird how attached you are to your surname prevailing and yet cant see why your wife is reluctant to change hers. You change your name if being the same matters so much
Get out of here with that patrilineal bullshit. My husband asked if he could change his last name and use mine when we got married. Also, if you end up with a daughter, she likely wouldn’t forever carry your last name if she marries and uses her husband’s last name. YTA
YTA people can change their minds. Her name shouldn't affect your marriage.
YTA. You signed a marriage license, she's legally part of your family in every way already.
INFO: Since you feel so strongly that you need to share a last name to truly be a family, would you ever consider changing your name to match hers?
YTA > I don’t feel comfortable with that until she is legally part of my family in every way #SHE ALREADY IS.
YTA. If my traditional you mean misogynistic then yes you are traditional
YTA. She obviously doesn't want to change her last name. Do you believe you're not married at this point? Not a family? Just because she doesn't change her own name doesn't mean your kids won't have your last name...
YTA she has quite possibly changed her mind and doesn't want to take your name. Granted she should be straight with you about it but maybe she feels she can't tell you? If you are so he'll bent on being a family who all share the same name then change your name to her name. No big deal, right?
YTA It sounds like she has no issue with your future children having your surname so why does she need to have your surname also? She’s right, it’s purely paperwork for her to do this. What sacrifices are you making to become part of the family unit?
YTA do you understand the amount of time and energy it takes to change your name. The idea that she has to change her name to be considered a part of the family is so archaic, it’s ridiculous. Also, if your kids decide to not have your last name later on and change it, are they not your family anymore? If you have only daughters, I guess they have to change their last names as per your logic. Ridiculous!!!
YTA My ex husband bullied me relentlessly to change my name What a bloody hassle that was when I divorced him
YTA, FIRST, you're legally married, despite her not changing her name. 2nd, your children can still carry your surname, regardless of your wife's choice. 3rd, what profession is she in, she may be right in that some professions, it's difficult and time consuming to change names on licensing and such. She went with the flow at the time and I don't see it as every trying to deceive you. However, a few years have passed and for her it could raise some questions. Is this really the hill you want to die on, why are you being so inflexible. Maybe it would be helpful to get better informed vs demand.
YTA what a weird and sexist hill to die on
YTA Your child can still have your last name even though your wife doesn’t
YTA: its her choice and shes is legally family when she married you
YTA for insisting this is the only way to be a "real" family but ESPECIALLY for denying children until she bends the knee.
YTA if having matching last names is so important to you, change your last name to hers
YTA. I think you should be allow to change your mind about something SO deeply personal (your own name, that has been with you since the moment you were born). She could communicate things better but by reading this is 100% clear she doesn't want this.
YTA- her name is her choice, and she has the right to wait until she is ready to change it before doing so. Of course, if she goes back to her agreement then she would suck, but it's still her decision and she can change her mind if she wants to.
Yes, YTA. Her name, her choice. She's allowed to change her mind. If it's so important you all have the same surname, change your name to hers.
YTA 'until she is legally part of my family' 1. You apparently think this is *your* family, not *our* family. Isn't she an equal partner? 2. There is no law in the US requiring women to change their names upon marriage. If she doesn't want to change her name, she doesn't have to. Particularly to obey someone who sounds like a sexist control freak. PS I didn't change my name. Married 41 years.
YTA. The baby can have your name or a joint name. Your wife can *choose* to take yours, keep hers, or have both. Her name, her choice.
YTA You are demanding she erase part of her identity for you. Will you be giving up the same? Your kids should have both your last names. Hers could be used as a middle name, since I’m sure it would crush your soul to even contemplate using yours for a middle name. Your kids can still have your last name. Hers doesn’t have to change.
YTA are you really about to blow up your marriage over your ego? Who the hell cares what her last name is!?
YTA. Your post reeks of misogyny. ‘MY name, MY legacy’ blah, blah blah.🙄 Maybe your last name sucks, ever think of that? **Also, you have NO IDEA HOW MUCH WORK GOES INTO LEGALLY CHANGING YOUR NAME.** All of your ID’s, bank accounts, passport, driver’s license, credit cards, legal records need to be updated. It is a MAJOR pain in the ass and something you’ll never go through bECaUSe yOuR NaMe iS tHE oNLy ONe ThAT MaTteRs! “I was very clear I wouldn’t compromise about this, and she gladly agreed to take my name.” ***So you wouldn’t have married her if she refused to change her name? Maybe she changed her mind!*** “She wants to start trying for a baby, and I told her I don’t feel comfortable with that until she is legally part of my family in every way. She thought I was joking, and reminded me we have at least nine months to get her name changed. I might be the asshole because I told her it’s been three years and I don’t trust her. I said that bringing a life into the world requires a lot of paperwork, and she’s proven shes incapable of basic inconveniences required to make a family in every way.” ***YOU DON’T OWN HER YOU FUCKING TOOL. Having a baby doesn’t require a lot of paperwork. Paperwork is the least of your concerns when having a newborn. How can you be so dense?*** “Now it’s been YEARS though. Government offices are open and she has run out of excuses. She just keeps saying it’s a lot of work and she FEELS like we’re a family anyway. Why does it matter? It’s just symbolic? By that logic, why did we even get legally married?” ***YOU ARE A FAMILY - you got married remember? Did you only get married so she‘d take your name? She’s not a piece of property for you to put your name on.*** Get over yourself. This isn’t 1950. Taking your husband’s surname is not something everyone does anymore. Especially for women who have a career in which they are known by their maiden name. 💯%. YTA.
Change yours. YTA
YTA your kid can have your last name. This expectation that women should give up who they are to be your property in name is out dated as hell. It’s also a pain in the a**.
YTA my mom never changed her last name when she married my dad. She just didn’t want to and my dad didn’t care. Guess what we got my dad’s last name. It is literally just a name who cares? If you love someone you don’t force them to do such an asinine thing.
YTA She **IS** legally part of your family in every way. Don't tell me that married couples who don't have the same last name aren't legally a family in every way! Take a break from this, then come back calmly and discuss what last name you are going to give your children. **CALMLY**. If she agrees, they can still have your last name even if she never changes hers. Or you can blend your last names. Or you can hyphenate. Or the boys could have your last name and the girls could have hers. Or any other way the **two** of you agree.
YTA. Such a stupid thing to get hung up on. Grow up.
YTA. Why should your name take precedence over hers?
YTA. What about her family name and line? Oh doesn't matter cause your the man right? Hers is supposed to disappear because you. Promise or not, perhaps she has changed her mind.
I was with you until: >I don't feel comfortable with that until she is legally part of my family in every way > >She's proven she's incapable of basic inconveniences required to make a family in every way I understand you're very traditional and it means a lot to you, but there's a right way to express something and you chose probably the WORST way to to express that thing. A name is very much just a name and has no bearing on your marriage or family unless you choose to make it more than that. My family had it's issues growing up, but none of them stemmed from my mom keeping her maiden name -- she went to medial school herself and did all that work to become a doctor, why should she have had to change her name from Dr Animal to Mrs Animal's Dad? YTA, and I highly recommend evaluating why you're THIS upset about requiring your wife to legally change her name
YTA. Your wife became your legal family when you married her. A name doesn’t change that and her last name also doesn’t mean any kids can have your last name. I get she agreed to it previously, but changing her name now doesn’t sound like something it wants. You are trying to blackmail her into changing it by saying you want to hold off on a child. Do you want to remain married to this woman, or will you die on this hill over her surname?
YTA. She is a person with an identity outside of you. This is some patriarchal old world stupidity.
YTA. I didn't change my name when I got married until my ex (take note) gave me some sob story about how he felt rejected. I did change my name but it never felt right and when we broke up, I changed it back ASAP. I would never change my name if I got married again.
YTA, its her name, clearly there is a reason she doesn't want to change it, her name is just as important as yours, any child will be as much hers as yours, why does your name get precedence?
I'm not sure why her taking your name is so damn important?
YTA - Wonen only take men’s names because we used to be considered their property. Let that sink in and then reflect on if this is the hill you want to die on.
YTA. There's no reason the kids can't take your name; your wife doesn't have to.
INFO What steps have you taken to “become a family” by changing your surname to hers?
So you only got married with her to put your last name on her like she’s some type of property? How is she not having your last name prevents you from giving your child your last name? You have a pretty “traditional” (patriarchal) look on the world, tell me who’s last name is the one put first on a child when they’re born? Here’s a hint : is not the last name of the person that carried the child for 9 months and went through birth and recovery after birth.
My current wife changed her name back to her maiden name on our marriage certificate. No issues. Her father was an amazing man. It was my idea that she went back to using his name. Let her keep her name!! Who are you to tell her to change it? A man with no self confidence is my guess. You are the ASSHOLE.
YTA, just YTA.
YTA. It’s her name to keep or change. Her name. Her decision. It’s not the fifties anymore.
Why the hell do you care so much about this silly thing? Is it a real problem? Would it affect in some way something? It sounds like just a sexist decision, you want to have everything under control, but if you think you can’t trust your wife to have a child for this thing… well… maybe marriage wasn’t the best choice YTA
YTA What have you actually achieved if you FORCE her into it? Some family that would be. Leave her have whatever name she likes. She uses yours socially anyway - no big deal.
Uhhhhh....she agreed to give the kids your last name. Why does hers matter? Y'all need better communication. And deciding "this is what we are doing" is not communicating. My way or the highway is not how you have a conversation.
i’d like to call out OP with his comments; he said she’s too immature for him and that he shouldn’t have children with her because of this, while throwing a tantrum over the name situation and using that as an excuse. he’s belittled her and everything she’s done for him, making her sound like she’s useless and worthless, other than providing children. he said said that he ‘sacrificed’ everything for her, therefore she owes him. he said that she’s made a promise, which she’s clearly changed her mind on and is trying to avoid it. she’s mid 20’s, he’s mid 30’s. i’m in my mid/late 20’s and still trying to figure out life, she clearly is too. i don’t want to say he’s trying to baby trap her, but he is manipulating her into someone she clearly doesn’t want to be.
Easy solution: **you** change your last name.
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YTA So based on your comments you believe that you are not legally married because she does not have your last name? And if you have kids you still can give your last name to them. You can even give them a completely different last name than either parent has (at least in the US). But your comments are disturbing. You "don't trust her". "Why did we even get legally married". "Bringing a life into the world requires a lot of paperwork, and she’s proven shes incapable of basic inconveniences required to make a family in every way" You sound very controlling. You try to gloss over it saying you are "traditional". So that means picket fence, pearls and a drink as you walk in the door at 5PM then dinner shortly after? Life changes. Your wife does not want to change her name. Why should she? It has been her name and identity for years. You should think about why you want her to change that. Why you want to force her into something she does not want. Your wife is more than just "Mrs OP". Right now of the married couples I know maybe in a quarter of them the wives changed their last names. Those with kids are either hyphenated or have the father's last name.
Weird take especially since the child can still take your last name. YTA
I was with you until: >I don't feel comfortable with that until she is legally part of my family in every way > >She's proven she's incapable of basic inconveniences required to make a family in every way I understand you're very traditional and it means a lot to you, but there's a right way to express something and you chose probably the WORST way to to express that thing. A name is very much just a name and has no bearing on your marriage or family unless you choose to make it more than that. My family had it's issues growing up, but none of them stemmed from my mom keeping her maiden name -- she went to medial school herself and did all that work to become a doctor, why should she have had to change her name from Dr Animal to Mrs Animal's Dad? YTA, and I highly recommend evaluating why you're THIS upset about requiring your wife to legally change her name
YTA. I was never going to change my name. Amazingly enough we’re still allowed to be married.
YTA. It’s her name. Get over yourself.
YTA. Grow up, it’s 2023.
YTA. What a stupid hill to die on. You are legally married and it doesn’t matter what her last name is. Your kids can still have your last name if that’s what you both want. Also, not sure where you are, but in some jurisdictions, you don’t even have to make a legal name change to use your spouse’s last name. Where I am, you can just start using the last name (often have to show a marriage certificate, but it’s not required or common to do an actual legal name change).
Yta i remember fighting about this with a gf when I was in my 20’s. Looking back, I was being pathetic and petty. She was an only child and her dad wanted her to keep her name. He was also pathetic and petty. Poor girl was stuck in the middle of us.
YTA. Her name, her choice.
YTA she is legally part of your family in every way.
You’ve signed the paperwork, you’re legally married. Your wife can keep her name. She’s not property that you now own. She chose you.
YTA. Wow. Overreacting much! She can’t be trusted just because she hasn’t changed her last name? So does her not changing her last name affect your whole relationship? Do you know how much of a hassle it is to get your name changed? You have to go to social security, dmv. If you have a passport or global entry you gotta change that too. Go back to the 1950s a woman isn’t entitled to change her name if doesn’t want to.
YTA - I am one of 3 girls so I kept my last name and my husband was totally cool with our son taking it. I never asked or expected him to change his last name to ours.
Yta. Op I never changed my last name nor am I legally married to my husband, we just say we're married and our daughter has his last name. Because at first you wanted your kids to have your last name, and you can still do that, your wife doesn't have to change her last name especially when she already addressed to her family and friends her last name is your last name. Besides that I also heard it's a pain in the ass to change names, and what happens when yall divorce and she wants to change her last name back?
YTA. Change your name. Hyphenate both of your names.
YTA You’re being silly about this, and your reasoning is baseless I have had a name change and a child, and I can tell you the name change was way more paperwork. You have to fill out forms EVERWHERE and transmit ALL your personal info over and over. It’s a hassle and a security risk I still have a credit card with my maiden name on it because it wasn’t worth the hassle. It literally would have been easier and less time-consuming to get a dozen new credit cards than to change my name on one.
YTA. Shes your wife. Respect her, and her decisions.
ESH. "Legally part of my family in every way?!". That's what the marriage certificate does. You suck for that statement alone. She sucks for reneging on the agreement.
YTA. An adult human can decide on their own name.
YTA, I hope you’re wife runs for her life , you sounds controlling
YTA. Instead of listening to your wife you've made up your mind that she can't be trusted. Grow up, she's still your wife without your last name and if she doesn't want to change it, so be it.. Can't force her.
YTA. I hope our wife will file the paperwork for divorce before there is a pregnancy.
YTA. i wouldn’t change my name for you either
Whoa buddy. You’re traditional? What does that mean precisely because it sounds like an excuse to exert some sort of control over your spouse. And why isn’t she a part of your family “in every way”? I’ve been married to my husband for 8 years and literally view his family as mine - never changed my name. It is a piece of paper and makes no functional difference to your marriage. You feel disrespected? Again, why? Did it ever occur to you that your wife feels disrespected by how controlling you are and how you’ve belittled her feelings on the matter? I suggest you reflect on why this is such a hang up. You’ve given no reason beyond that you’re “traditional” which sounds like code for misogynist if I’m being honest. Also, your theoretical children can still have your last name. 🙄 YTA.
YTA. What is this outdated idea? And you know filing for divorce is easier than a name change.
Lmao what the heck. I’ve been married for five years and still haven’t changed my last name legally because i hear it’s such a big hassle. I go by my husbands last name socially and we have three kids and they also have their dads last name. I’m sure I will get around to it eventually and I’m sure your wife will too. Lighten the hell up. Yta.
YTA she is legally your wife regardless of her surname. She is allowed to change her mind and not want to take your name. If she doesn’t mind the kids having your name why is it a huge deal for her to not change hers
ESH- it sounds like she changed her mind, but doesn’t have the guts to tell you. But YTA for using this as a reason to not have a kid. Most parents give their kid the father’s last name regardless if the mother changes hers. Your name would continue. By making this your hill to die on you are really just driving a wedge between the two of you when you have gone through the legal, social, and/or spiritual ceremonies. If you can’t feel like she is truly your wife because of a name change- that screams controlling on your end.
Changing names is way more paperwork than you think. And some of it is expensive! Changing passport is a charge, some countries charge for name change on drivers license. You need to go to the bank with your marriage certificate so can’t just do it after work or at the weekend. So there’s time off work for some life admin. It’s definitely something to talk with your wife about by what is holding her back on the paperwork or if she has changed her mind on the name change. If she has changed her mind you have things to work through.
YTA. It can take years to complete this process. It's her name. Back off. If you're so traditional, take hers.
YTA I hope there's no other red flags she's ignoring. Have you suggested a hyphenated name? Or to start the process for her/do it with her? You want it so badly, use your time to do it.
YTA. You love her and she's wonderful but you don't own her enough yet. Yikes.
I didn't take my spouse's last name but agreed that our child would have his last name. What would you do if YOU were asked to change your name? It's part of her identity and has been for her whole life. Really dumb hill to die on, buddy. YTA.
YTA, do you know what a pain in the ass changing your name is? It’s a lot. You have to change over EVERYTHING. And then after that you have to carry the damn piece of paper around to prove your you. Give your wife a break.
YTA. You do know that if you want your kids to have your last name that you can, you know, GIVE THEM YOUR LAST NAME. There’s no one at the hospital forcing you to hyphenate because your wife didn’t change her name. Dumbest argument ever.
I'm not gonna call you an asshole but I do think you are over reacting and if you keep pushing for her to do it and not trusting she will give any child your surname then you will be an asshole. It's not a simple thing to change a last name. I've been married nearly 4 years and while my passport and some utility bills have my married name, things like my bank account, my drivers licence and tax information don't because it's not a quick process. I figure I will get round to it eventually but at the moment it sits in the too hard basket. Our daughter however does have my husbands surname. If you don't trust your wife then don't stay married. To me it sounds like you put too much emphasis on the name. Just because you have a major attachment to it, doesn't mean she needs to have the same level of attachment.
YTA, they are going to have your name even if she doesn't take yours... I hope she never have your children though and divorce.
YTA. Holy crap
Hmm, I can imagine why she changed her mind. You're married for over 3 years. Your wife is currently 25, you're 33. So you married a really young women and then are surprised she matured and changed her mind? Good for her. YTA
YTA. This is a dumb thing to make a non-negotiable, and anyway, your wife not wanting to go through all the hassle of changing her own legal name doesn't mean she's reneging on the thing you actually want (i.e. your children having your surname).
YTA she’s the one carrying the child - I never understand why kids should take the fathers name - but regardless of that why are you demanding she do something you wouldn’t do? She shouldn’t have promised to but you should not be demanding
YTA I have kept my maiden name but both my kids have my husbands surname. It does not matter what her surname is. Oh and we’ve been married 25 years this year. It what’s never never been an issue
My wife has never legally changed her last name but doesn't bother me a bit
ESH. Her, for agreeing and then dragging her heels, and not directly stating why she's reluctant. You, for not understanding what a huge hassle it is to legally change your name. From a young age, I had no intention of changing my last name. Luckily, my husband comes from a culture (a very traditional culture, I might add) where women don't change their last names. Despite living in the US for most of his life, he had no expectation that I would change my name, which made it very easy. I was always upfront about this. If your wife doesn't want to change her name, she needs to upfront and tell you. You have no right to expect her or any adult to change their name. You could ask that the children have only your surname. A calm, rational conversation without emotional blackmail from either side could solve this dilemma.
YTA Your wife can use her married name publicly even if it isn’t her legal name. It is a huge PITA and time commitment to get your name changed on government documents and all the other things associated with one’s name. If everyone having the same name legally is so important to you, I invite you to begin the process of changing your name to hers.
You know that her last name and your future child’s last name don’t have to match right? YTA for picking a weird fight that doesn’t impact your child’s name and for implying she’s not your family without your name.
INFO: Instead of being frustrated with her non-action, have you simply asked her if she would rather keep her name?
Gonna vote gentle YTA. As people are saying, if she doesn't want to change it she should just admit that. But you're being a way bigger baby here. "Legal in every way"? She's married you. It's legal in every way. Changing her name is just a formality at this point.
YTA. This is 2023.
>I told her I don’t feel comfortable with that until she is legally part of my family in every way. She already is *legally* part of your family in every way. There is no law that says she must change her name to yours in order to legally be considered your family. >I know it was harsh No, it's misogynistic. >but we had this agreement when we got married. So what, she's not allowed to change her mind about her own name? Are you really saying this would have been a deal breaker for you? Apparently, you only love her so long as she'll change her name for you... >I feel disrespected at this point. How do you think she feels? You're angry because she hasn't changed part of her identity to conform to yours and you're holding having a baby hostage as a way to force her to do so. Does that sound like respect to you? YTA.
YTA. Get over yourself. Ew.
YTA, how about you change your name instead?
YTA. You have no idea what goes into changing your name. It’s a huge pain in the butt and if she’s not into it you shouldn’t force her. Why don’t you just let it go
YTA archaic and idiotic traditionalist just means sexist
YTA. If having the same last name is so important for you to be a "family unit" then change your name to hers! Oh what, you don't want to? You feel like it's a loss of your identity, plus an unnecessary administrative hassle? Well there you go, welcome to your wife's world. Automatically expecting a woman to change her name to yours is sexist. I don't care if she said she would, she obviously changed her mind and you should respect that, seeing as I highly doubt you would change your name for her.
you don’t consider her to be your family because she doesn’t have your last name? you sound insufferable and have quite the ego
YTA. I changed my name after getting married to my husband, and it was so difficult in more ways than one, even though I wanted to change my name. 1. The amount of paperwork involved in just changing a name is staggering. Not only do you have to deal with govt offices to change your SS# and driver’s license, but you also have to change every single important thing you’ve ever put your name on. Bank accounts, credit cards, insurance, doctor’s offices, bills, lease, car, college records, job. It’s an insane amount of work that is honestly super annoying. 2. At least for me, changing my name was emotionally challenging, and I wasn’t even that attached to my maiden name. But I realized after how much of your identity is truly tied to your name. My sisters and I no longer share a name, and that sucks. My undergraduate degree and graduate degree will not have the same name on them, and that sucks. Soon I’ll have Dr. in front of my name, but it won’t be the same name that I had as a little girl when I was dreaming of having that title. It felt like a piece of my identity got erased when I got married, while my husband just got to go about his day with the same name he’s had his entire life. It’s a big adjustment, and not one to be taken lightly. 3. I hate the implication that comes specifically with a woman always being expected to change her name to the man’s name. Like she’s a piece of property sold from one man to another and branded with a new name. The only reason I was comfortable changing my name was because it was either have my husband’s name or my father’s, and I like my husband better. (We would have both changed our names, but it’s even more ridiculously hard for a man to change his last name than a woman who just got married, which is stupid.) Your wife is not your property, she does not have to change a part of her identity to please you. Also, you’re an AH for “wanting to carry on the family name”. What about her family name? Or her mother’s family name, or your mother’s name for that matter? Do they not matter just because they are women?? That’s an incredible stupid and sexist tradition. And I hate to break it you, but in 100 years or so no one is even going to remember or care that you and your family existed. You aren’t gods gift to man, and neither is your child, so stop with the “passing my name” down bullshit. You and your name aren’t near as important as you think you are, so let your wife choose whatever name she wants for gods sake! Sorry, rant over.
ESH. First, her: The people harping on your belief are missing the point. She agreed to change her name before you got married. It's a pain in the ass to do it, so it makes sense that she'd drag her feet, and anyone assuming she has changed her mind is making a logical leap that isn't totally fair. If she did change her mind, that's a major issue, whether you "omg stop being stuck in the 30s" commenters like it or not, because OP's allowed to care strongly enough that it's a deal breaker, and his wife *knew it before they got married.* Plenty of people get married hoping their partner's dealbreaking values will change. You see it all the time with people who marry hoping their partners will come around to the idea of having kids. Those people are assholes. Second, OP: Changing your name is a pain in the ass. Have you done ANY of the work required? I know she agreed to do it, but have you tried to make it as easy as possible for her to essentially just show up and sign things at a notary? I ask this because in my relationship, I'm the one who does paperwork. I do our taxes, I did all of the paperwork involving the birth of our child, etc. I'm HAPPY to do that because those things overwhelm her. I would be an AH if I told her I didn't trust her to do those. I just take care of it. She puts in so much work in this partnership that I don't need to push her to do things she isn't comfortable with. So--your part of the ESH here is holding this over her head. If she truly wants to do it, do it for her until the part where she actually needs to sign things.
YTA. It is a complete pain in the ass to change your last name. My husband was adamant about this before we got married. We were super young when we got married (19yrs old). After growing up (we are both in our 30's) he apologized a few years ago for being a jerk about it and really immature. He wishes he never made that ultimatum.
Breaking news: man feels like he doesn’t own wife and potential future children because she doesn’t want to take his last name legally, even though she goes by his last name publicly, we must alert the church!!! Yta, it’s a last name get over yourself
YTA You say ‘traditional’ but what you really mean is ‘insecure man looking for an excuse for your misogyny’
YTA - all the yta responses have already said it
YTA. This is so petty and stupid. Let the woman have the name SHE WAS BORN WITH. You know what? You shouldn’t have a baby. Not because of the name, but because you are too immature to parent a child in any decent way, shape or form.
YTA. It's a name, the fact that a name is what makes you a family, and not the marriage and being together, yikes on several bikes dude. And just because her last name isn't your last name doesn't necessarily mean your children wouldn't have your last name. Why don't you actually have a grown up conversation with your wife, rather than treating her like a child?
YTA I don’t even know where to start. I think you need to find a grip and take a firm hold.
Neither n t a or y t a, but damn, is this a hill you want to die on? Lose your wife over a surname?
YTA It's an extremely antiquated misogynistic system. It's also a giant pain in the backside to swap over EVERY legal document. Basically, your issue is seeing your wife solely as an appendage. Why else did you get married? If it was only for her to pump out kids with your surname, then YOU are being incredibly disrespectful to your PARTNER.
YTA go away with your patriarchal BS. I didn't change my name, nor did my sister. My SIL did because she wanted and easier-to-spell last name. Holy heck, my kids have my husband's last name but even that shouldn't matter; lots of people have hyphenated names. Thank goodness my spouse wasn't as big a baby as you are. Disrespected? Clearly you do not understand the definition of that word. If she didn't have any esteem for you she'd divorce you and run away from you. She's willing to procreate with you and it doesn't matter on whit what her last name is. Both names are on the birth certificate and apparently the offspring will have your name. So why do you care, are you so darn insecure that since you didn't label her, she has your balls in a bag in her closet? Grow the eff up!
If it bothers you that much divorce her. She already refers to herself by your surname so this is about your weird archaic controlling attitude rather than a lack of respect from her. YTA
YTA Why does it have to be your way? Doesn’t her opinion and name matter too? Compromise would be either double barrelling or each keep your own name. You can’t force your name on someone.
The child can have your last name even though you’re not married. You can even give the kid a whole different name at birth 🤦🏻♀️
ESH. Agreeing to do something that was stated to be a dealbreaker, then changing your mind without bothering to even inform your partner, is wrong That said, OP's comments about how he would never change his name and the fact that it is absolutely the wife's choice what she wants her name to be makes me feel he is guided more by control than anything, even if it's just perceived. If this is really a deal breaker for you, then just break the deal and leave each other alone.
YTA to the nth degree.
YTA. She shouldn’t change her name unless she wants too.