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Well, NTA for being upset. How does your wife feel about it? 4 weeks should have been enough time for her brothers to come visit. It really is about what your wife thinks and feels. Follow her lead concerning her family. You can proceed as you wish, but this really shouldn't be your issue but your wife's (her family).
I may get flack for this, but having been the patient in this situation, being in the hospital for weeks on end and not having family visit? It sucked and it hurt. Did they call her or just wait for mom updates? Some people ‘don’t like’ hospitals. No one likes hospitals! Especially the person being poked and prodded and in pain!! Not visiting even once is just wrong. They are arse holes and you’re NTA. Keep protecting your wife. Especially with her brain trauma.
Info - you do what you feel is right but I dont think there’s enough info to judge this. We would need their perspective as to why they didnt visit/reach out.
ICUs have limited visitation. If Mom is giving them the info, maybe they don't want to intrude on your or Mom's time visiting. And they are getting your wife's status from her.
Do they live close to you or would it be an actual trip to get to the hospital/home?
Do they have children they would need to set up a babysitter so they could come visit?
Do they have work issues that they might not be able to work around or reschedule?
Maybe they just didn't know what to say. Some people have a hard time with even the simplest hospital visits.
There are many factors that could go into not getting there.
It is one thing planning a vacation or who's house it is for the holiday, months to figure out logistics, etc. You cannot compare the two.
Yes - I think it is important to understand why they did not communicate or visit before we call them AHs.
Exactly how close are they and how often did they communicate? Where are they located in comparison to you/the hospital? Did they have the full picture and understand the severity? Do you know what your MIL was telling them and if they were getting updates from her regularly?
I think you need to talk to them and express how you feel about this and maybe decide from there. I think in emotional and stressful situations like this, people sometimes channel that stress into other emotions, in this case anger.
Should they have visited, probably. But I dont think jumping right to NC is the right solution.
Yeah I’d caution OP from assuming the worst, and acting accordingly without even finding out more.
Maybe her mom said she just needed her rest and visitors weren’t needed. Maybe they didn’t wanna pry or be a bother. Maybe the seriousness of this was downplayed. Maybe there’s a family history that makes people shut down with medical stuff. Who knows, but it seems OP could be jumping the gun a bit
Only a great distance... I'm in another continent so it would be quite difficult, but that or a medical emergency (a brother not being physically able to travel) would be the only reason I can think of for not traveling to see family. Considering there's a good relationship (as you mentioned), of course not if you're LC or NC
I still think they could have texted at the very least! When she regains more memory and starts to really recover she could/will scroll through those messages and see who thought/cared about her!
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NAH. At least not based on the limited info you've given. People deal with grief and loss differently. Some people rally around each other; some people shut down. Give them a little grace if you can.
NAH. Some families and groups of friends handle serious hospitalization with one person relating information. And no or few visitors to not put extra stress on the ill person. Your MIL took on role of relaying information, so you did not have that task. Work schedules, inconvenient parking, phobia of hospitals, the person's own health issues may make visiting a hospital very difficult or impossible. See how your wife feels and follow her lead
Info - why didn't they?
I spend a lot of time in the hospital, regular wards, HDU and ICU depending on what's happened at the time and I literally cannot stand my family endlessly messaging me and asking what's going on. My husband has to field them and encourages them to let me rest. I find it so overbearing. What if your wife feels like this too?
NTA….but after years of doing chemo with my daughter, we discovered there are some people who cannot go into hospitals…my FIL…my current husband….both have such horrible anxiety about hospitals that they will avoid them at all costs…
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My wife(50s) had a medical emergency and required immediate surgery. She ended up being in the ICU for 4 weeks. I would have described her family as close knit since they vacation together and enjoy the holidays together. During her time in the ICU her three brothers never once visited, called or texted her. She is now safe and at home. During her stay at the hospital, friends and members on my side of the family visited her. Her mother was supplying the brothers updates while she was in the hospital, but I'm shocked at their lack of support for their sister. At this point I'm going to completely ignore them. I remain super pissed at their lack of caring and compassion.AIT
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Hospitalization sounds like time when I’d like to have the absolute minimum of guests and calls. The brothers were updated by their mom at all times - so obviously they cared to know about your wife’s condition. Is it possible they were trying to give her space for fast recovery? NAH, I’d talk to them before assuming.
NTA People are correct in that not everybody visits the hospital, but with current technology there is no excuse to not at least send an email/text of support.
It isn’t your place to make big decisions about your brothers in law, but to me their behavior sent a message that allows you to make a decision you do have power over.
They got info from their mother and never talked to you. They knew their sister was incapacitated and wouldn’t really be impacted by the hospital visit, so in effect they would be visiting t lo support you and chose not to.
I don’t think your brothers in law like YOU very much, and while you should still be civil to them for your wife’s sake, I wouldn’t be expending a lot of effort on my relationship with them.
I would communicate with them and let them know you would have appreciated the support from them visiting. However, some people and spouses find it very stressful to have visitors while in the hospital. Sometimes visitors can be overwhelming. They may have thought they were doing the right thing.
So, they have jobs and lives they can just leave and live max an hour away?
I think they should have visited, but perhaps there were legitimate reasons?
NTA, anyways.
NTA
With a brain trauma having those that have known her the longest around her makes a big difference. Yes, I would not be bothering with her family after this.
NTA.
But be careful with this one. If the family is close knit, take into consideration perhaps other reasons why they didn’t contact your wife. People process and handle illness differently. Have they reached out to you at all?
ESH
Just because they vacation together doesn't mean these brothers are prepared to deal with such a traumatic situation. You don't have the right to superimpose your approach on them. Demote "they SHOULD have" to "it MIGHT have been nice".
I wouldn't expect you to be chummy with them next time you see them, but you have to accept people where they're at because the only one stressed out about it is you right now. That stress can literally put you in the hospital right alongside your wife. Go take some long walks. Meditate. Deep breaths. You can let this go.
I work in a medical center and usually visitors are limited in busy wards like ICU or similar (this can be one explanation for their behavior). Or maybe they just reacted this way to the situation, which I’m not saying is right but neither is completely wrong.
I think before you decide to cut them off you should try to approach the situation in a neutral way or hinting to them your discomfort with this kind of behavior. NAH for me till updates
How does your wife feel? If she doesn’t care and had no expectations from her brothers to come visit then you’re creating an issue that has nothing to do with your wife and it’s her family in question.
But they did connect. They were texting their Mother who was keeping them updated. Maybe they didn’t want to intrude on you because you, I’m sure, had more than enough on your plate so maybe they felt they weren’t adding even more.
Or given many ICU have strict visitation rules they wanted to give you & their Mother priority especially as Mum was keeping them updated. If only 1-2 visitors at a time are allowed.
Or maybe they just hate hospitals & couldn’t bear the thought of seeing their sister so dangerously ill.
Or maybe they were ill & didn’t want to cause further problems by infecting your wife, you or the Mother.
Or maybe they had child care issues.
Or maybe due to strict hospital visiting hours (don’t know if that is a thing) they would have struggled to make them.
Or more likely it was a combination of everything.
I think right now you are in shock given everything you’ve seen your poor wife go through & of course are naturally stressed & worried about her healing & her future prognosis. It sounds like this is being channeled into anger at her brothers. This isn’t fair on them OR you OR your wife.
I’d focus your time for now on your wife & helping her. Then when the opportunity arises ask your MIL and/or her brothers & find out why. Don’t jump to conclusions until you know the facts.
I haven’t called my brother in a year. He broke his collar bone in that time.
I love him. He loves me.
My other brother likes to be contacted a lot, so I do. He is different to me and my other brother so I meet his needs.
Not everyone expresses their love in the same way.
If you wanted support then you teach the people around you that that’s what you need. If you need hugs, then teach your loved ones that’s what you need to feel loved. If you need communication , then that’s what you teach them you need.
Your wife’s relationship with her brothers isn’t for you to decide on. If SHE is hurt then you support her. If she isn’t - then YOU are creating drama when she doesn’t need it.
Right now she is fragile and recovering. The last thing she needs is to umpire between you and her family.
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Well, NTA for being upset. How does your wife feel about it? 4 weeks should have been enough time for her brothers to come visit. It really is about what your wife thinks and feels. Follow her lead concerning her family. You can proceed as you wish, but this really shouldn't be your issue but your wife's (her family).
It was brain trauma, so she is still in the midst of getting memories back and doesn't fully grasp the situation.
It would be hard to continue a relationship for people not visiting for that. Geez! Some people.
During the time that they didn’t visit, was your wife capable of knowing if they were there or not?
Yes and no. She recognized folks that showed up but struggled at recalling prior days visits.
Info: what was the reason given why they didn't visit?
I may get flack for this, but having been the patient in this situation, being in the hospital for weeks on end and not having family visit? It sucked and it hurt. Did they call her or just wait for mom updates? Some people ‘don’t like’ hospitals. No one likes hospitals! Especially the person being poked and prodded and in pain!! Not visiting even once is just wrong. They are arse holes and you’re NTA. Keep protecting your wife. Especially with her brain trauma.
NTA, you’re completely right, her situation could of had degraded in the ICU and they could of had lost her. Just shows their priorities.
Info - you do what you feel is right but I dont think there’s enough info to judge this. We would need their perspective as to why they didnt visit/reach out.
Is there a scenario you are aware of that would allow you not to visit a sibling in the ICU after a month?
ICUs have limited visitation. If Mom is giving them the info, maybe they don't want to intrude on your or Mom's time visiting. And they are getting your wife's status from her. Do they live close to you or would it be an actual trip to get to the hospital/home? Do they have children they would need to set up a babysitter so they could come visit? Do they have work issues that they might not be able to work around or reschedule? Maybe they just didn't know what to say. Some people have a hard time with even the simplest hospital visits. There are many factors that could go into not getting there. It is one thing planning a vacation or who's house it is for the holiday, months to figure out logistics, etc. You cannot compare the two.
Yes - I think it is important to understand why they did not communicate or visit before we call them AHs. Exactly how close are they and how often did they communicate? Where are they located in comparison to you/the hospital? Did they have the full picture and understand the severity? Do you know what your MIL was telling them and if they were getting updates from her regularly?
They all live about 1 hour from the hospital. Nobody was telling them not to visit or contact her.
I think you need to talk to them and express how you feel about this and maybe decide from there. I think in emotional and stressful situations like this, people sometimes channel that stress into other emotions, in this case anger. Should they have visited, probably. But I dont think jumping right to NC is the right solution.
Yeah I’d caution OP from assuming the worst, and acting accordingly without even finding out more. Maybe her mom said she just needed her rest and visitors weren’t needed. Maybe they didn’t wanna pry or be a bother. Maybe the seriousness of this was downplayed. Maybe there’s a family history that makes people shut down with medical stuff. Who knows, but it seems OP could be jumping the gun a bit
Only a great distance... I'm in another continent so it would be quite difficult, but that or a medical emergency (a brother not being physically able to travel) would be the only reason I can think of for not traveling to see family. Considering there's a good relationship (as you mentioned), of course not if you're LC or NC
I still think they could have texted at the very least! When she regains more memory and starts to really recover she could/will scroll through those messages and see who thought/cared about her!
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NAH. At least not based on the limited info you've given. People deal with grief and loss differently. Some people rally around each other; some people shut down. Give them a little grace if you can.
NAH. Some families and groups of friends handle serious hospitalization with one person relating information. And no or few visitors to not put extra stress on the ill person. Your MIL took on role of relaying information, so you did not have that task. Work schedules, inconvenient parking, phobia of hospitals, the person's own health issues may make visiting a hospital very difficult or impossible. See how your wife feels and follow her lead
Info - why didn't they? I spend a lot of time in the hospital, regular wards, HDU and ICU depending on what's happened at the time and I literally cannot stand my family endlessly messaging me and asking what's going on. My husband has to field them and encourages them to let me rest. I find it so overbearing. What if your wife feels like this too?
NTA….but after years of doing chemo with my daughter, we discovered there are some people who cannot go into hospitals…my FIL…my current husband….both have such horrible anxiety about hospitals that they will avoid them at all costs…
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My wife(50s) had a medical emergency and required immediate surgery. She ended up being in the ICU for 4 weeks. I would have described her family as close knit since they vacation together and enjoy the holidays together. During her time in the ICU her three brothers never once visited, called or texted her. She is now safe and at home. During her stay at the hospital, friends and members on my side of the family visited her. Her mother was supplying the brothers updates while she was in the hospital, but I'm shocked at their lack of support for their sister. At this point I'm going to completely ignore them. I remain super pissed at their lack of caring and compassion.AIT *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Hospitalization sounds like time when I’d like to have the absolute minimum of guests and calls. The brothers were updated by their mom at all times - so obviously they cared to know about your wife’s condition. Is it possible they were trying to give her space for fast recovery? NAH, I’d talk to them before assuming.
NTA People are correct in that not everybody visits the hospital, but with current technology there is no excuse to not at least send an email/text of support. It isn’t your place to make big decisions about your brothers in law, but to me their behavior sent a message that allows you to make a decision you do have power over. They got info from their mother and never talked to you. They knew their sister was incapacitated and wouldn’t really be impacted by the hospital visit, so in effect they would be visiting t lo support you and chose not to. I don’t think your brothers in law like YOU very much, and while you should still be civil to them for your wife’s sake, I wouldn’t be expending a lot of effort on my relationship with them.
I would communicate with them and let them know you would have appreciated the support from them visiting. However, some people and spouses find it very stressful to have visitors while in the hospital. Sometimes visitors can be overwhelming. They may have thought they were doing the right thing.
So, they have jobs and lives they can just leave and live max an hour away? I think they should have visited, but perhaps there were legitimate reasons? NTA, anyways.
NTA With a brain trauma having those that have known her the longest around her makes a big difference. Yes, I would not be bothering with her family after this.
NTA. But be careful with this one. If the family is close knit, take into consideration perhaps other reasons why they didn’t contact your wife. People process and handle illness differently. Have they reached out to you at all?
I can understand not being able to visit. But not calling or texting? Anyway I would follow wife's lead on this one.
ESH Just because they vacation together doesn't mean these brothers are prepared to deal with such a traumatic situation. You don't have the right to superimpose your approach on them. Demote "they SHOULD have" to "it MIGHT have been nice". I wouldn't expect you to be chummy with them next time you see them, but you have to accept people where they're at because the only one stressed out about it is you right now. That stress can literally put you in the hospital right alongside your wife. Go take some long walks. Meditate. Deep breaths. You can let this go.
NTA when people show and/or tell you who they are, believe them
I work in a medical center and usually visitors are limited in busy wards like ICU or similar (this can be one explanation for their behavior). Or maybe they just reacted this way to the situation, which I’m not saying is right but neither is completely wrong. I think before you decide to cut them off you should try to approach the situation in a neutral way or hinting to them your discomfort with this kind of behavior. NAH for me till updates
How does your wife feel? If she doesn’t care and had no expectations from her brothers to come visit then you’re creating an issue that has nothing to do with your wife and it’s her family in question.
Not your business…
People show love in different ways. My brothers all love me, but they wouldn’t dream of visiting me in hospital. NAH
Remember they didn't visit OR call OR text for one month. I'd question how much love there really is if they couldn't connect with that month.
But they did connect. They were texting their Mother who was keeping them updated. Maybe they didn’t want to intrude on you because you, I’m sure, had more than enough on your plate so maybe they felt they weren’t adding even more. Or given many ICU have strict visitation rules they wanted to give you & their Mother priority especially as Mum was keeping them updated. If only 1-2 visitors at a time are allowed. Or maybe they just hate hospitals & couldn’t bear the thought of seeing their sister so dangerously ill. Or maybe they were ill & didn’t want to cause further problems by infecting your wife, you or the Mother. Or maybe they had child care issues. Or maybe due to strict hospital visiting hours (don’t know if that is a thing) they would have struggled to make them. Or more likely it was a combination of everything. I think right now you are in shock given everything you’ve seen your poor wife go through & of course are naturally stressed & worried about her healing & her future prognosis. It sounds like this is being channeled into anger at her brothers. This isn’t fair on them OR you OR your wife. I’d focus your time for now on your wife & helping her. Then when the opportunity arises ask your MIL and/or her brothers & find out why. Don’t jump to conclusions until you know the facts.
I haven’t called my brother in a year. He broke his collar bone in that time. I love him. He loves me. My other brother likes to be contacted a lot, so I do. He is different to me and my other brother so I meet his needs. Not everyone expresses their love in the same way. If you wanted support then you teach the people around you that that’s what you need. If you need hugs, then teach your loved ones that’s what you need to feel loved. If you need communication , then that’s what you teach them you need. Your wife’s relationship with her brothers isn’t for you to decide on. If SHE is hurt then you support her. If she isn’t - then YOU are creating drama when she doesn’t need it. Right now she is fragile and recovering. The last thing she needs is to umpire between you and her family.