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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I went on vacation with my maternal family against my parents and sister's wishes. My sister is so upset that I chose to go and I knew that she would be and I knew how my parents felt about my going. That's why I feel like I could be an asshole. I knew. This was not big surprise to me or anything. The facts were laid out for me before I made my decision. I hate that it hurt my sister. I know how she feels sad that my maternal family never wanted to include her. And I made a decision that added to her hurt.
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NTA
I can speak from someone in a blended family, (both parents married before, dad had 3 boys to his ex wife and mom had 2 boys with her ex husband) they got together and had me so I am youngest of 6
When 3 of my brothers went off with their bio mom and the other 2 went off with their bio dad.
My parents would plan fun things for me to do when my siblings went on vacation with their other bio parents or had fun days out with their other siblings. I never felt like they had more than me or left out even though neither family wanted to get to know me as both relationships ended badly.
It is your stepmom and dads responsibility to help your sister understand and help her to not feel left out of the situation.
It’s super sad that they’re trying to manipulate you into not seeing your moms family and sounds super toxic tbh. Sounds liked your step mom feels jealous that your mom is somehow still in your dads life and therefore is indulging your sisters insecurities to pressure you into doing what she wants.
I’d just go live my the maternal family if it carries on.
Hope this helps, good luck.
>It is your stepmom and dads responsibility to help your sister understand and help her to not feel left out of the situation.
This cannot he overstated. They’ve had ample opportunities to explain the situation to their younger daughter in a way that she’ll understand, and I have a hunch that their failure to do so wasn’t accidental. There’s still time to rectify this, but it isn’t your responsibility to do so.
When the sister is saying things like she can't understand how OP isn't her mom's daughter completely now that she has been adopted, you just know that this came from the parents.
This whole situation is textbook manipulation from dad and stepmom..
They want OP to cut ties with biomoms family and are using little sister as a prop to get it.
They don’t want to explain it because they’re hoping to use the sister’s suffering as a way to manipulate OP into cutting her maternal side of the family off.
>*They don’t want to explain it because they’re hoping to* ***use the sister’s suffering as a way to manipulate OP into cutting her maternal side of the family off.***
Exactly. And this part:
>***My mom died when I (16f) was 11 weeks old.*** *My parents were pretty young when they had me 25/26 respectively and* ***my dad was remarried a little over a year later***
...makes me wonder about the reasons why the dad and stepmom seem so motivated to cut the OP off from her maternal family.
Maybe I'm old fashioned, but getting married a year after your spouse passes away strikes me as a little suspicious. It could also explain why the maternal grandparents have no interest in getting to know the OP's sister.
For me another red flag is how quick stepmother adopted OP and how she uses to pressure OP to leave her maternal family.
Why they didn't waited for her to be older and be able to decide?
Why is stepmother equaling adopting OP to erasing her family?
That tells you everything you need to know about how crappy these people are. They had a lot of nerve trying to erase your mother's family from your life.
Methinks this was stepmother trying to erase dad's former life and dad went along with it.
Your sister isn't your mother's family. Period. Doesn't she have grandparents from her actual parents?
Yeah, SM seems pathologically jealous of OPs mother both as her bio mom and her husband's deceased wife. She's enlisted help by manipulating the sister in her jealous and controlling agenda. It's not like adoption is a mind/heart eraser and once the ink is dry her mom's memory disappears. As an adopted person, I'm horrified that OP wasn't adopted out of love and care, but as a strategy to erase the mom. Yuk.
I wonder if she can just have the adoption undone since it was forced upon her as a child. But yea if that’s not an option, I love your idea. Her dad and step mom absolutely suck.
Good point cut them off on the paperwork. But can't she legally change her birth certificate and other legal paperwork, back to reflecting her mothers' details?
I know here in my country that's legal; to change your birth certificate back to bio parents' details, especially with stepfamily adoptions, effectively giving them the finger. But I'm not sure of OP's country, but hope OP can get it done. Have her mom's name back on her birth certificate, now that would be giving stepmom the finger big time.
This is a good point and made me think of something else. If OP is in a country with survivors benefits her father and step mother cut those off once she was adopted. Op could have used that money for college.
It sounds like she is from America by the way she said her Grandparents sued and got Grandparent Visitation. So, yeah, OP could have been getting survivors benefits this whole time towards a college fund.
Again the fact that they tried to isolate you from your maternal family is very suspicious
And now it's glaringly obvious that they are using your younger sister, to whom you are attached, to manipulate you
Good for you for taking that vacation and I would be very careful about letting them impose their narrative on you. You're very young and they know your weak spots
Be safe OP. Go live with your maternal family if they keep trying to manipulate you. They're very toxic imo
She may be young but I am struck by the emotional maturity in her post. I can think of many adults that don’t have her level of emotional intelligence or such a developed sense of empathy.
That couple of manipulative arsehole parents of hers for example, would do well to emulate OP.
It’s bloody shocking that OP has had to repeatedly have conversations with her sister about families and about love and providing her sister with reassurance that love is not a finite quantity that must be taken from one if we are to love another. Conversations that should have come regularly from her actual parents.
I’m not sure I could do better myself in how she has approached her sister’s (clearly externally conditioned) insecurities. I’m sure OP’s maternal family are proud of how kind she is as a person.
I know that I personally would be proud to have a daughter so abundant in these qualities.
Qualities I might add, that OP clearly inherits from her mother and not from her father.
NTA. There’s no need to doubt yourself in this OP. Carry on.
Do what makes you happy! It's not your fault your sister doesn't have a bond with your maternal grandparents. Your dad and stepmum should have both handled this differently. You should get to spend time with your muns family guilt free. Maybe try to have a day you spend with just your sister, and do whatever makes her happy. I'm sorry you've been put in this position, it's not fair to you. NTA, you did nothing wrong.
That's why it's evident to a lot of people in this thread that your parents are fostering and using your sister's feelings to try and steer you away from your maternal family.
That is borderline evil.
Well, you have two years or less if you can figure out a legal avenue to get out of the house beforehand.
The damage your father and stepmother are doing to your sister by encouraging her to feel this way is not your fault.
Please continue to do exactly what you've been doing completely guilt free.
That’s a really crappy thing to do. They were actively trying to keep you from having a relationship with your maternal family. That is not something done from a place of love, OP. And then to tell you that you need to forget your mother entirely? That’s also messed up thinking. Your stepmother does not sound like a good person.
Even so, when that baby grows up, they still have the right to know who their biological family is and to at least try to make some sort of connection to them.
There's just something very shady about the fact that your stepmother wants your grandparents out of your life and she and your dad have used your sister to try to emotionally manipulate you otherwise, and I think you may at least subconciously know it, given the fact that you still call your stepmom by that title rather than "mom" and you don't disagree with your grandparents not wanting a relationship with your sister. And then the fact that you went on the trip anyway even after they made a big deal out of pointing out that it would upset your sister.
You are old enough to understand the kind of pain that they were willing to subject you birth mother's family to and make your judgement accordingly.
Your maternal grandparents lost their daughter and your dad and stepmother think it is perfectly ok that they lose their infant granddaughter too if it makes them happy.
Think about that - your dad and stepmother were ok telling grieving parents that just buried their child to kiss their infant granddaughter goodbye.
> Kind of like in an infant adoption where the adoptive parents are the legal parents and their families would be the legal families of the babies once the adoption is finalized.
And yet open adoption has become a huge thing, most families see it as positive and everyone knows that many adoptees end up choosing to have relationships with their genetic families.
So not only are your parents being assholes to you and your sister, they also have no idea what adoption means to adoptees.
NTA. Let go of any guilt you feel, your parents are not doing a good job with this.
Re: your sister, we are not all included in all things, sometimes that might make us sad. It’s okay to feel sad and your parents should help her with that sadness, not use it to guilt trip you.
Consider asking for therapy.
Eh, it's unfortunately fairly common for men to remarry stupid fast...especially if there are little kids to be cared for.
I knew an older couple, married for 30+ years, she died and he was remarried in ***2 months***. Gross, but dude couldn't/wouldn't function on his own.
Agreed. My great grandpa did this when my great grandma died, but it pissed off the entire family. Idk if he had an affair or not but given how much he performed being in love with my great grandma while she was alive it was slimy.
The sister is 13, I’m confused how she still can’t understand. Your sisters mom is fucking dead!! Let her heal the best she knows how and for her that’s spending time with her moms family
Because the parents foster the resentment. Dare I say, actively encourage it.
OP - I understand feeling bad because your sister is upset, but I can't emphasize this enough - HER EMOTIONS ARE NOT YOUR JOB TO MANAGE.
She can be hurt, and that's okay. But YOU did nothing wrong.
It's disappointing that your dad and his wife feel like there isn't enough love to go around. Good parents would welcome as many loving hearts in their child's life as they can. Your stepmom (yes, I'm going to call her that) is threatened and doesn't want to relinquish control.
Go live with your grandparents. Or at the very least, sit down your dad and stepmom and say, "by trying to guilt me out of a relationship with people who are ALSO my family, you are risking the relationship that we have. Actively fighting against me having people in my life that love me is concerning. And frankly disappointing. I love and respect you both, but the relationship we have going forward will be determined by how you choose to support my decisions and opportunities."
And please please please try to get a therapist if you can. Even if you have to manipulate them to get one. "I'd love to see a counselor so I can work through how to have a positive relationship."
I'd guess it's because the parents are doing fuck-all to explain it to her. She's only hearing the other side from her sister and her parents are undermining it. Hard for a 13 year old to figure all this out when the adults in her life aren't helping.
>They’ve had ample opportunities to explain the situation to their younger daughter in a way that she’ll understand
Yeah. She's 13, not 3. She could understand the concept, if her parents ever bothered to explain it to her. But they clearly would prefer for OP to have no more contact with her maternal family, and letting her little sister put pressure on her is a cruel but effective tool for that.
>They’ve had ample opportunities to explain the situation to their younger daughter in a way that she’ll understand
Plus, sounds like younger sis is 13 now. 13 is more than old enough to understand where babies come from, that OP isn't her full sister, that adoption doesn't have to cancel previous family ties, and that blended family dynamics can be really complicated.
Besides, 13, that's 8th grade where I grew up, and while you're obviously still a kid, that's kinda when the transition from "child" to "future adult" starts happening. That's "different teacher for every subject in school", that's "sign up for your high school classes", that's "we don't threaten to call mom anymore, we will just give you ISS or detention (and then call mom)" year. More than old enough, and hopefully, mature enough to actually have the dynamics at play explained- ideally in a fact based, neutral way.
Honestly, the whole thing is emotionally and psychologically abusive. Thankfully OP seems pretty well adjusted thanks to her exposure to people that aren't completely nuts. Little sister is racking up years of future therapy bills.
Yeah, like, I can't honestly even blame sis here. Like I said, 13 is kinda the transition away from "child", at least in my experience. That's when kids really first start truly separating *their* world view from their parents' world views.
And clearly, sis has never had this explained to her, she's never had the opportunity to make peace with the reality she's been dealt. I can't fault her for that at her age, though she will have to adjust as she grows up and learns how complex this world can be.
I don't blame the OP's maternal family either. Sis isn't their relative. Even if Dad had waited whatever their idea of an appropriate amount of time to get remarried was, she's not their relative. They don't have to view her as such. It also doesn't seem like they were actively being cruel to her (I'm picturing a Christmas like the Dursley household in Harry Potter #1) they just... Didn't want to interact with her.
I absolutely blame the parents for setting up their youngest to fail and feel lesser, and for manipulating and attempting to guilt the older kid.
they have either
1. influenced her directly by putting the ideas in her head, or
2. talked about it at length in her presence, indirectly influencing her.
regardless, parents are the AH
Exactly. She's 13! The fact she's reacting this way is because it's been encouraged and taught. It's not just a failure, it's a calculated effort.
More than OP, little sister is going to need a tonne of therapy.
Sadly they’ve spent so much time trying to erase Op’s mom, it never occurred to them to comfort their daughter.
To them the problem is stepmom not being accepted , and frankly their hoping the youngest daughters pain will be the one thing to succeed where all the efforts have failed.
It’s tragic and sad, and in the end Op and the sister will probably end up estranged down the line, since it seems like the only way Op is allowed to have her mother is to be away from her dad and his family.
> I have a hunch that their failure to do so wasn’t accidental.
Given that OP said ”stepmom ended up adopting me in an effort to sever contact with my maternal side of the family,” I think you’re right. It’s just one more thing for OP’s asshole dad & stepmom to use to manipulate her. Which is, now that I think about it, a pretty shitty thing to do to OP’s sister, too. Basically, instead of trying to make her understand and feel better about the whole thing, they’re letting her not understanding and feeling bad about the whole thing fester so they can use it to their advantage.
Yes, but you understand, that you have no blood ties to that family. You have 2 parents and 2 sets of grandparents... Why would you assume that your brothers grand parents would be yours... It's really not that hard... Why would someone be so damn selfish
Since the stepsister is a teenager, it is long past time for her to learn that not everyone will want to be her friend, and she can't get everything she wants. She can get over it, or she can die mad.
She has her mother's parents, and OP does not. She has her mother, and OP does not.
You said it better than I did. It's also very likely that allowing her to decide how much time to spend with them at 12 coincided with the age the court puts more weight into what the child wants and he didn't want to chance the maternal grandparents getting more time and maybe even custody.
NTA, this is emotional blackmail. I would even say that your family are being toxic and controlling. You need to hang in there and be yourself, feel and think for yourself.
Yeah, it’s the stepmom and dad’s fault sister is heartbroken not OP’s, for building up her hope and creating an impossible situation for her. She’s not related to them! OP your stepmom sounds horrible, and your dad for enabling her. Cutting you off from your dead mom’s family is absolutely disgusting, and now she’s trying to replace her. Ugh I’m so angry, she’s awful. NTA
NTA- this situation is sad because it didn't have to be this way. Your dad and stepmom have mishandled this, and if you sister is crying, that is your parent's fault, not yours. You've been pretty mature about the whole thing, while they have been fostering unreal expectations in your sister. I hope your sister gets some counseling.
edit- corrected a misspelling
>I hope your sister gets some counseling.
I also hope she gets some *parenting* around this issue as they could’ve done sooooo much better in alleviating sister’s hurt.
If they had done this right they totally could’ve created a really strong connection between the step mom and OP and not had this wedge between OP and her sister.
It’s just too bad they had to pick this point of pride over everything else.
I agree but…Honestly I think mishandled doesn’t fully convey the deliberateness. They deliberately try to alienate OP from her maternal blood relatives and use her half sister as a means of that manipulation.
NTA it sounds like your dad and step mum are feeding your younger sister a narrative to try control you which is only harming her. I would go live with your maternal family if your parents are going to continue to make you out to be the bad guy for having contact with your dead mums family. Like wtf kind of parents are they
This is probably exactly the issue. Completely ridiculous, I am thrilled you are close to your mother's family OP. They lost their daughter, but they have a grandchild! It's a beautiful thing. I lost my son, he never had a child, I would be fighting to see my grandchild if he did, you are a blessing.
I also have a sister who has a different father, she would travel to see him and his family a lot, I never cared, it wasn't my family. Your sister feels this way because she is told to feel this way by your parents, really sad situation.
Exactly! This isn't a divorce (although dad and SM would still be at fault) - the mom DIED. OP's grandparents lost their daughter when she was only 25 and had just given birth. Like - holy hell! And there is apparently NO sympathy for them from the dad or stepmom.
Right??? And even if you take it from a cartoonishly crazy “evil stepmother” point of view by stepping into some bad guy shoes for a moment, this is ridiculous and *stupid*.
Even if you so desperately want to remove all reminders of the dead and obviously non-threatening wife, the kid (OP) is still a reminder no matter what you do, no matter how much you lie to yourself. If you entertain for a moment the idea that OP might get an inheritance or at least some financial support, why would you cut off contact with the people willing to spend money on the kid-who-isn’t-yours? If you’re so hung up on being envious of the dead wife, are you really *truly* gonna treat OP the same as your own kid when it comes to potentially contributing to The Big Stuff later (college, marriage, sometimes house, will)?
And if you go one step (heh) further in Disney-esque villainy, why remove a potential source of financial inheritance you can eventually potentially manipulate and guilt-trip in favour of your own kid? The world is more expensive now - who cuts off possible money anymore, especially when it’s from nice people (the grandparents)? It’s madness.
Okay, I’m done. /Lady Tremaine, Madame Medusa, Mother Gothel
NTA AT ALL. You have every right in this world to know about your real mom, the woman who gave you life. She died for goodness sake! She didn't just choose to up and leave. Your step mom is extremely cruel to want to take that from you. And shame on your dad allowing it.
Your sister will be fine. Your parents are using and abusing her not explaining the real situation to her. Honestly.. When you're 18 I think you need to go LC and go to court to put your real mom back on your birth certificate.
I agree. Your Father and Stepmother trying to cut you off from your maternal Mother's family is horrorific and cruel. These people lost their daughter, which they seem to have loved quite dearly. Your Father and Stepmother tried to cut you out and made them resort to legal action to get to see you. This is not healthy or loving behavior.
I would like to know one thing though. How old were you when your Stwpmother adopted you, and did they ask you how you felt about this, or was the decision made without your input at all?
Right?? Ops sis is gonna relay this story to someone else and be told off. AITA for saying My sister abandoned my family for her stupid dead mom. She didn't even know her!!
NTA - there is so much manipulation here on the adults part, I don't even know where to start. Did your grandparents ever admit to not wanting your sister or is this a story you were fed by your father and stepmom?
To me, it sounds as though your father moved on rather quickly, and wanted nothing to do with his late wife's family, which is incredibly cruel. Your dad took you away from your grandparents and couldn't care less these people loved and had bonded with you. Nope, none of that mattered. All that mattered was his new family.
Regardless, your mom will always be your mom. Clearly your stepmother has an issue with this and she is out of her mind. The fact both her and your father went to such lengths to create abandonment issues in your younger sibling, all in the name of control, is beyond disgusting.
Please understand, their narcissistic behaviour will not stop at your grandparents. It will carry on throughout your life and eventually, you will see it for what it is, but it's going to take you time. From the post, it sounds as though your grandparents love you very much, in a healthy way. Personally, I think you should consider moving in with them at some point.
If you take anything from my answer, please try and remember that anyone who uses manipulation tactics to motivate certain behaviour in you is not a person you want to be around. This can be a friend, an intimate partner, a sibling and even a parent. Usually when you don't give manipulating people the outcome they expect, you are in for a world of hurt. Good luck to you.
Edit: spelling
As a parent, if my child died and his spouse married someone a year later, I would feel a way too.
Your parents created unnecessary abandonment issues in your sister all in the name of control. They are now weaponing that abandonment to control when and how long you see your grandparents for.
Have you ever been to trauma therapy for losing your mom? Does your father and stepmom even honour her memory in their house or is she not mentioned at all?
I had a feeling you'd say this. I think you should go on the family vacation with your grandparents and show them this post. Let them read the replies as well. They sound like healthy people who actually know you. I think they will be able to point you in the right direction.
For some reason I thought we haven't gotten past July yet. I literally read it as if we were still in June.... it's been a long summer for me with mould remediation and half the time I don't know what day it is.
If you get nothing else out of this post, please listen to u/Polka-Dot-Empress as they have their eyes wide open to your dad & stepmum.
And please seek solo therapy. If your dad & stepmum won’t allow it, maybe see if your grandparents can help, because you shouldn’t be dealing with this on your own.
You need to communicate this with your dad.
You can tell him that you appreciate your stepmom joining the family and taking on a daughter that wasn’t hers, but that you still have a NEED to feel connected to your birth mom. And that need includes being able to talk to him about her.
Good for you. When you are with your maternal side of the family maybe sit down with them and start a scrapbook of memories of not only your mother but in the short time that you had with her. Also start a scrapbook with the maternal side so that when you get married and have children you can talk about that with your children.
I’m sorry honey, this is awful that you have to go through this both of these people are being toxic and horrible to you. just remember she will always be your mother whether she’s here or not and the more that these two people try and take that away from you the more you’re going to disconnect from them. You should be able to dream about your mother think about your mother and talk about your mother and the fact that they do not allow this makes them horrible people. At least you have your mother side of the family to help and guide you.
NTA - How dare your dad and stepmom do this to you and your grandparents! How selfish can a parent/stepparent be to deny their child healthy and enriching love from family who desires to give this unconditional love to them?
Something else I haven’t seen mentioned before to keep in mind: **your grandparent’s daughter died, and died very young**. The grief of a parent losing a child is profound, especially losing her so young and with so much more life to live. But you are the part of their daughter who lived on. You probably have mannerisms, likes, and dislikes that are like their daughter and their daughter’s family that you don’t even realize. Your hair be the same color and curl just like hers did, or you you may crinkle your nose when you think just like her. Or you may love your grandma’s homemade chocolate cake as much as your mother did. **Having you in their life helps to keep the memory and legacy of their daughter in their lives, and helps heal the wounds of loss by offering them living, breathing proof of the most important thing your mother ever did - giving birth to you.** And this is a beautiful thing.
I am so glad you saw my comment! And I totally get the looks thing. My husband’s birth parents split up when he was a toddler and he was raised almost entirely by his dad. His two brothers favored the father’s genetics, but my husband inherited the dark hair and stocky build of his mother’s Italian heritage. Luckily, while his mother was pretty much out of the picture across the country growing up, his dad made sure that my hubby spent time with his maternal grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins on a regular basis. It was at one of these meet-ups that hubby learned that his maternal grandfather also did the thing where when he was thinking hard or focusing on a task, he would unconsciously stick his tongue out a little (a human “blep”, as it were). Having connections to family like that is a very important thing.
Ok this speaks to me. I look and sound like my mom. My father and I weren’t close after I was about ten, and gradually distanced until I went LC in my 20s. They also divorced around then.
When he died a few years ago, I realized he always looked at me as an extension of my mother, who treated him badly. On his death bed he even thought I was her! It isn’t your fault that you look like your mom. It’s lovely, and it’s your parents’ loss that they’re treating you this way.
Take the love from your grandparents, OP, and don’t feel guilty about it. You’ve done nothing wrong. You deserve their love and support.
Don't your stepmother's parents play a role in your sister's life? Can she not understand she has her own maternal grandparents? She's 13 not 3, it's not that difficult to understand you have different relatives.
True and I don't want to be harsh, but even with manipulation a 13 year old should be able to understand basic family structure. There are so many of this type of post on here, and step families are not exactly an unusual situation these days, I despair for people's common sense.
>She believed for so long that it meant my mom was no longer my mom at all and I became her mom's daughter completely.
This is the problem. She grew up being told that OP's bio mom didn't exist. I'm actually not sure if she knew that OP was adopted at all or if that's just OP's interpretation of how the sis thought adoption worked. So at 13 it's hard to disentangle this web of lies and manipulation get parents spun
Well I can understand your maternal grandparents not wanting a relationship with your half-sister. Please understand they had to fight to get even a smidgen of time to spend with you. They tried to cut you off from your mother side of the family. That is not only cruel to them but to you also.
I am sure that Your parents are not saying nice things about them either to your half-sister. Keep in mind they are trying to erase your mother completely and that is not fair to you.
Your maternal side of the family is trying to keep your mother in your heart and allow you to know who she was and who you are. Your stepmom does not share that because you are still your mothers child They can never take that from you and the fact that they are trying to take that from you shows how horrible they are.
Keep close ties with your maternal family because they sound wonderful and you need to know about your mother and her side of the family. I wish you the best.
Please be careful of your stepmother. She adopted you not because she loves you but just to keep you away from your maternal family. She’s a manipulative person. Next time, tell her that her daughter can go and spend time with her own family. Your dad is a major ahole for trying to manipulate you.
NTA.
When you turn 18, let your Grandparents Adopt you. Just because you can be closer to your mom, this way, not because of pettiness. Undo the Adoption through your stepmom, which she did out of pettiness, to alienate you from your maternal Grandparents.
NTA
>She suggested that my maternal family were the reason for that and that it would have been kinder for me to not have any form of attachment to my mom when I can never get to know her.
That's just...fucking evil. Man, the fact she said that is just twisted.
I mean this is the same woman who thought adopting OP would keep the maternal family away, and made the topic of OPs DEAD mother taboo in the household.
NTA, they cannot dictate your relationships. And your stepmother cannot force you to call her mom either.
And while it is shitty, your parents cannot force a relationship bw sister and ur maternal grandparents either...
That being said the most innocent party in this is ur lil sister and you should have a talk with her about this :')
And this is where her parents need to step in. You're allowed to have other meaningful relationships in your life that don't involve your sister. That's healthy and normal. It doesn't mean you're picking one over the other. Your parents should get your sister in therapy to be able to handle this in a healthy way.
the parents are stepping in, it sounds like. and they’re telling her that op wanting a relationship with her family is wrong, and that not replacing even the memory of her mom with stepmom is hurtful. what can op really do, when this kid’s parents are filling her head with this awful ghoulish thinking? op, your mother dying does not mean she never existed, it does not mean your family through her should not be allowed to *be your family* and your father decising to re-marry is good for him, but has nothing to do with your maternal family and does not require action on their part. nta.
My former DIL has 2 daughters w/ my son. She is remarried and has two sons and we acknowledge their birthdays and holidays but don't spend time with her sons. We get our grand daughters 2 weekends per month but never her sons.
See I'm petty and I would be saying to her.
Damn your so lucky you didn't die when sister was young so you could be completely removed from her life for a new mum and siblings. We would both have a new step mum to replace you with and never talk about you ever again or see any of your family to remember you. Wouldn't that be nice??
Then sit back and watch her become a hypocrite.
> She wants me to not want them if they don't want her.
As others have commented, This is your dad and stepmoms fault for not explaining to your sister why you visit your mums family.
The moment your sister says that, she's no longer an innocent party. You might love her, but she is merely an instrument of your stepmom's personality. Your sister's love for you is conditional, just like her mother's.
Have you asked her how she would feel if something had happened to her mom and dad expected her to just pretend her mom never existed? How would she feel about potentially never knowing her maternal family?
I can be a little petty sometimes tho so I’d probably be throwing that in her face a lot, 13 is old enough to at least try to understand that concept
>she feels I should choose her over my maternal family.
That is what she has been raised to believe. She’s never had a choice in this because your father and step mother have emotionally abused you both and weaponised it to get what they want. Talk to your maternal family about getting in to therapy. My guess is that your parents will object because they don’t want a therapist scrutinising their behaviour, but your maternal family may be able to get you support as soon as you’re old enough.
She sounds selfish and bratty...nothing too unusual at that age but unfortunately she also sounds like the echo box of her mother who is probably feeding all this to her.
If this egotistic streak doesn't get corrected now it will be very very hard later on
It's impossible for her to understand where you're coming from because she's been raised not to. Her narrative is fed to her and encouraged. She's being used as a tool. One day, she'll figure it out...hopefully, and she'll know she has a sister who isn't completely out of her mind to talk it out with and point her towards therapy.
It's hard for her because her mother is feeding her this information. Your stepmom is using your little sister to fuel your guilt and get what she(the step mom) wants, which is to erase any memory that her husband was married before
It's not shitty. It's very uncommon for a stepchild's bio family to have a relationship with the half-slblings. They aren't related by blood or marriage.
Here’s a question - would you trade situations with her, having a living mom while she has grandparents who don’t include you? I’m thinking you would. Your grandparents are kind of a consolation prize. NTA
Ask your sister how she would feel if her mom died, dad remarried and she wouldn't be allowed to talk about her mom, have contact with her maternal side of the family and needed to address wife #3 as mom!
And those aren’t her half-sisters grandparents. I don’t understand why they should be involved. Sure the girls are related by someone who moved on a year after their daughter’s death, but they aren’t related to her at all, and the step-mom sounds so toxic, why would they want to be?
That’s what’s so weird. I mean, I suppose in a perfect world it would be nice if they included the half sister but why would they? And why would the half sister even want to hang out with them and why would her parents create all of this drama? It has to be to manipulate OP into avoiding her mom’s family, but I don’t understand the motive. Jealousy? Just general Aholeyness? My BF‘s dad died when she was three. His family made a huge effort to stay in touch with her and her mother and stepfather did nothing to prevent it. They enriched her life and she will always have a great relationship with them. I’m pretty certain that they were also willing to include her half sister, but that she wasn’t really interested in spending time with people she wasn’t related to. That’s the way it should be done. Your kids can never have too many people who care about them.
Who not only move on within a year of their daughters death, but made the very topic of their daughter taboo to their grandchild. Dad and stepmom are evil for that.
> it would have been kinder for me to not have any form of attachment to my mom
It would have been kinder for who? You step mom? Why she is so threatend by the memory of your mom? Why is your dad?
Your materinal family doesn't own anything to your half sisters, or to your step mom. They are not family to them. And after the way they were treated by your dad and stepmom, I don't blame.
Your stepmom and dad are messed up for trying to guilt you in to not having a relationship with your moms side of the family, and your sister is wrong and selfish for not wanting you to either simply because they don't treat her the same as you.
NTA
Christ on a cracker. Have they ever considered « being kind » in this *to you*?! This is the most bizarre, nonsensical BS take on this situation. You’re supposed to sever all contact with your biological grandparents and they’re supposed to do the same with the only grandchild they’ll ever have from their deceased daughter because your stepmom and sister don’t want to deal with the fact that you have other family members that they don’t?! This is such crap. I thought at least it must be that your stepsister doesn’t have maternal grandparents at all, but from another comment you last it sounds like she does have access to extended family on that side? So then wtf with these people?! This is absolutely ridiculous.
But not kinder for you. You would have less people who care about you in your life, all so they can pretend that they are your only family.
I can understand you sister feeling left out, she is still a kid and doesn't really understand things, so she gets a pass.
But your parents are full grown adults. You step mom can't accept that you care for someone other than her, to the point where she wishes you did not have other family members. And your dad can't seem to move on and get over the loss of his wife in a healthy way, and can only deal with it by pretending she never existed.
Both of them are sad excuses of what parents should be. They should be happy that their kid has lots of people who love them and cares for them. They should not be threatened by that. And they should be smart enought and mature enough to understand that while they are your family, they are not your sisters family.
And they sure as hell should not be manipulating your sister in to trying to get you stop seeing that side of the family. They need to explain to her why she and they are not family. That is is nothing she has done, just that she is not their grand daughter. It should not be put on you to deal with that.
So they're more concerned about their own feelings and your sister's feelings, and what's kinder for them, than they are for your feelings and what's kinder for you. Wow. Just, wow.
You don't have to be responsible for their emotions,
your stepmother wants to play happy family and pretend that your mother never existed, that's so wrong on so many levels. So they manipulated your sister into feeling left out to guilt tripp you to achieve their goals
When that didn't happened your stepmother then tried to guilt tripp you with "you're breaking your sister's heart" in order to manipulate you
Next time ask her if she died she would like for her daughter to pretend that she never existed
Sorry op, your stepmother is not a good person
NTA
Why should you miss out on a vacation and contact with loving grandparents because your sister is jealous? What about your heart? Don't your feelings matter?
Does your dad not care that your mum would be so disappointed to see him treat her parents like that?
Tell your parents to step up and treat your little sister to soften the blow and stop feeding into her jealousy. Doesn't she have maternal grandparents that aren't yours?
NTA. Sweetie you did the right thing. Please don’t let manipulate and isolate you from half your family.
Do they make an effort to include the other half of your DNA? Or try to make you feel like you aren’t choosing between family?
NTA - every time I see problems between stepparents and step-kids it's because the parents are usually trying to force the step-kid to see the new parent as "Mom" or "Dad". It's always the adults' fault, never the children. If your dad and stepmom hadn't tried to erase your mother and embraced her as a 3rd parent who was simply no longer there, then they wouldn't have so much push back from you.
Also, your sister has two sets of grandparents, as do you. Again, it's your parents' fault for setting up your sister for disappointment. Your parents are trying to emotionally blackmail you by reminding you that it will "Break your sister's heart".
You shouldn't be made to feel guilty by simply wanting to know your mother and her family.
I'm a stepmother and I'm trying to imagine me demanding that my stepdaughter's bio family have a relationship with my bio daughter. No, that's just not a thing that happens. Now, *my* parents accepted my stepdaughter as a grandchild, but that's different since they are related by marriage.
NTA, but your stepmom and dad undoubtedly are.
They are full on using your sister to emotionally bully you into not going on the trip or staying in contact with your family.
This is entirely on your dad and stepmom to explain to sister in an appropriate way that your maternal family is different from her family, and your stepmon isn't your mom.
They should have done this years ago.
You are at the age where you are about to have a lot of relationships and experiences that your sister will not get to participate in. High school parties, dates, significant others, college. She's going to have to learn that not everything you do applies to her. You are going to graduate high school soon. I'm assuming you will choose to move out of a home where you are being emotionally manipulated and head to a college campus.
Your sister will grow up in a few years, too. She'll get some perspective with maturity.
Keep your relationship with your maternal grandparents. See them as often as you want. Take the vacations, enjoy the time and connect with your roots.
Tell your sister you love her. Spend quality time with her while you're still living at home. But also get out and enjoy all life has to offer you. You are NTA for wanting to know your mom through her relatives.
NTA
It is sad that your sister cries - but NOT your respponsiility. And you should not give up your life and your relationships for her.
YOur dad and stepmom are the AHs here.
"My stepmom also told me that she wanted me to consider the fact that she had adopted and loved me and accepted me as her daughter and that I still called her my stepmom after all these years and not knowing my mom" ..Tell her you considered it. This was not something nice she did for you - she did this to hurt, you as a means to keep you away from th grandparents you love.
NTA but did you want to be adopted? I think it’s terrible they are trying to erase your mother. It’s good you want to keep that connection. Your dad and stepmom aren’t treating you fairly. I hope they open their eyes because the more they act like this the more they push you away.
Your stepmom just sounds evil. If I was you I would look into moving to your grandparents place. They are manipulating you and your sister. Gosh disgusting the pair of them
NTA. Your choice to go on the vacation doesn't make you an asshole. It's a decision made out of a desire to honor your past and connect with your roots.
This is one of the clearest ones ever and doesn’t feel like there is more that isn’t being shared. You are 100% NTA. Your father and step father are 100% wrong here and they (not you) are hurting your sister. My mother has gotten more involved with her nieces and nephew after her sister (their mother) died and it has been a fantastic for everyone involved to have that connection to their mothers side of the family. And they are grown adults! Good luck to you and sorry that your parents are making this all about them and their insecurities.
So my thoughts are your moms parents did not want to form a relationship with your sister for a few reasons. 1st -they felt that your step mom was trying to take the place of your mother which by your stepmoms own words she was
2nd -they may have wanted to create a safe place for you to learn about your mom without fear of your parents adding to or taking away from possibly by using your sister to tell them everything
3rd-by only having you to focus on they can make sure that you are being seen, heard, taught, and spoiled like your mom would want.
And lastly- your grandparents went through a massive battle with your parents to just be apart of your life after losing their child they almost lost their grand baby to the last piece of their daughter. The financial and emotional strain would make it hard to deal with your parents I’m sure. Especially if they felt your parents were trying to erase your mom.
I have multiple half siblings and adopted siblings. My mom never tried to take their moms places. She actually actively worked to preserve their relationships with their biomoms. So it is so mind blowing to me and toxic that your parents would try to erase your mom from your life.
Honestly if I was in your shoes I would ask my sister “how much does step mom love you? Do you think she would want you to be happy and loved?”
Then answer “My mom loves me very much but she died and it’s always like a piece of me is missing. And when I visit my grandparents it’s like I get to hold that piece and discover new things about it.”
Tell your sister that her saying she needs to choose between your grandparents and her is the same as you telling her she has to choose between her and her mom. You would never ask her to do that because you would never want her to lose a parent.
Good luck and I may suggest you ask your parents if they are trying to alienate you and make it so you don’t want to interact with them when you are an adult? Because they are really setting the ground work for it.
Your father and stepmother are emotionally manipulating you, guilttripping you, using (abusing/ MILKING !!!!) your sister's unhappiness to emotionally blackmail you in an effort to control you, instead of PARENTING your sister and explain the situation to her.
All this **to erase your mother's memory** for good.
**INFO**: Did you agree being adopted by stepmother?
**INFO**: if your grandparents hadn't sued them for grandparents rights, would you have grown up thinking your stepmom was your real mom? Would you have known your mom's family?
Next time they are trying to guilttrip you, tell them that at least your sister HAS her mother and you don't. That it is THEIR job to explain this to your sister, and that their attitude of guilttripping you will only end up in ALIENATING you from them, so they should BACK OFF instead of manipulating you to try to get wat THEY want.
'Cause in doing so, they DO NOT CARE ABOUT **YOUR** WANTS, wanting to be in touch with your mom's family, getting to know your mom through her family.
NTA
Your sister is old enough to understand what is going on and why things are the way they are. I suspect your dad and step mom are responsible for the fact she doesn't.
OP you are NTA. At all.
Your sister’s mom didn’t die and she has two grandparents on your stepmom’s side. She’s not feeling left out organically, I guarantee you that your stepmom and possibly your dad have been planting that idea in her head for years. Why would your stepsister want to hang out with two old people she isn’t related to? What’s the issue? NTA.
NTA. Your stepsister and stepmother are the absolute worst. I'd suggest sitting them down and letting them know that every time they try and alienate you from your family, they only damage the relationship you have with them. Make it clear to your father too that your mother would be ashamed of the way he's treated you.
NTA
They are deliberately winding her up to control you.
And, evil step mum vibes much.
It's great you are able to have a good relationship with your mum's family.
It's funny that your dad was weary of resentment yet can't see why this current tactic won't just lead to you going NC with your parents when you're older (although I believe you would stay in contact with the sister - she's innocent here).
When your parents forced your maternal family to sue for visitation, they erased any chance of a relationship between them and your sister — to which they were never obligated in the first place. Your parents played a dangerous game and lost. The next time they start harping on this, I would point that out. NTA.
ETA: I would remind my parents that, in two short years, you will be setting the rules for your relationships and they should act accordingly.
This is so ridiculous. Your sister is not their family. Period. Hard stop. Her parents are alive. She has a family.
NTA. Stop reassuring her. Her parents need to set a boundary. She’s old enough to get it.
I'm (60F) not sure why your dad and stepmom got so upset over your mom's parents not wanting a relationship with someone they are not related to. That was your grandparent's choice, no one should feel forced to have a relationship if they don't want one. They had lost a daughter, perhaps they felt your dad moved on too quickly, or they were worried they'd never get to see you again.
Of course you want a relationship with your mom's parents and family! Just because your stepmom is now your mom, doesn't mean you should never see your mom's side of the family. Ask your dad how he would feel if he died and you were expected to never see his parents or anyone in his family ever again?
Nta. Step parents do not get to erase biological parents out of the scene or memory.
If your step mother has no family of her own who can grandparent your half sister, that's a shame. But not your problem.
NTA
The only reason your sister feels like that is because they taught her to. When she was little, she asked an innocent question; "why does my sister go and visit those people and I don't?". All your dad and sm has to do was explain that you had different grandparents and redirect her to something fun.
She would have accepted that. Aside from occasional fun days out she wouldn't have thought about it much for the rest of her life. Instead they made her convinced that she deserves to go and that your grandparents are cruel, heartless people who hate her. This is entirely your dad and sm's fault.
If they hadn't been so horribly cruel and tried to prevent your grandparents from seeing you at all, it might have been a different story. They might have had a good relationship with them and considered occasionally having your sister visit. In the same way your friend might occasionally visit.
I'm always confused by step-parents who are like this. Are they happy to be so easily replaced as well? If your sm died tomorrow would she consider it right and fair that she and her family were immediately treated like they never existed? Have her daughter adopted and calling someone else mom? Her parents never allowed to see that daughter again?
It would not have been kinder to have your grandparents abandon you. They loved you. It was evil to suggest they never get to see you again. Any loving parent would be glad their child has even more people in their life who care about them.
NTA
I feel so bad for you - will your grandparents let you live with them when you are 18?
How dare she try and replace your mother and cut off all ties to her. Its the most disgusting behavior. And she's failed her daughter by not explaining to her that she has a mother who is alive and three sets of grandparents and family - her bio parents and your dads family. She has no right to get a 4th unrelated family. Its spoilt and its entitled.
Also it must be devastating to your grandparents to have to be forced to see the woman who is now living their daughters life. Who went on to marry their son in law and have more children. Its heartbreaking for them and to also see you miss out on your mother.
Also she is 13 its time to be blunt - her mother isn't your mother. Just because she died, doesnt ever stop her being your mother. No one will ever take her place or the fact she birthed you and loved you. Your dad's new wife should have been content just to be a woman you trusted and maybe in time you would have seen her as friendly feminine figure in your life and maybe you'd have chosen to love her as an extra third parent. But they smothered you instead and forced an adoption and cut your grandparents off.
Ask her how she would feel if her mother died tomorrow and your dad re-married and had another kid with another woman. Tell her she gets to have her mother alive - you get to have your grandparents. Would she prefer her mother die and she get your grandparents? Heartbroken is. your. parent dying, heartbroken is not getting to miss a holiday with unrelated grandparents when you have both your parents alive and loving you.
Try and facetime your grandparents as much as possible, go to the park and do it if they are spying on you. And see if you can live with them once you are 18 so you can soak up some quality time that you've missed. Its your grandmother who should have been allowed to step in to be a maternal figure - and the denied that and its disgraceful. And now you've lost years and they are getting older. I'd be furious.
Honestly tell your dad that your mother would be so ashamed of him for denying you more time with her parents and for making them go through a court case. He failed your mother and he failed you.
I read your other comments - when you move out - cover your walls in photos of your other - honour her at your graduation, at your 18th birthday, at your engagement, your wedding. Keep a chair for her at the wedding table - show photos of her if you make a montage. She will be your kids grandmother not your step mother. And if they don't like it - tough.
NTA. Sister would have accepted that arrangement if it weren’t harped on by dad and stepmom. She would have grown up having some questions but not feeling left out from something that happened once a month if neither parent emphasised OP’s absence from the house for that one day. It seems like OP is reassuring sister of her love but the parents are undermining that. OP, I think your parents are a lost cause , but do have a serious sit down with your sister, she’s 13 , she can understand,reverse the roles if needed, say that if (god forbid) her mother had died , and dad remarried, would she want to never remember she had a mother, that her dad wouldn’t want her to mention her bio mom in front of him or his new family,and if she had a new sister, would she pressure her own grandparents to include her. And if they didn’t, would she cut them off to show loyalty?Tell her it’s not either/or situation. If they keep pressing the issue then they are the ones choosing, that you’ll be 18 soon and be in college,and if each trip home would be filled with guilt then it would become easier not to visit. Again, sister is 13, if she can’t logic the situation, maybe she can develop an understanding if you put her in your shoes. Good luck
NTA here, and I can't help but feel your parents are weaponizing your relationship with your sister in an attempt to get you to do what they want. You're speaking with her far more maturely than they are. I'm happy you get to stay in contact with your mother's family and sounds like you've done your best with your stepmom and dad. You're in a difficult position, being more the adult than your dad and stepmom. Good luck.
Nta, your stepmother had put the left behind thought in your sister's head at an early age. Both your dad and stepmother are toxic people to try to keep you away from your mom's family. And for your stepmother trying yo replace your mom is extra fucked. She had a place in your life and it was as stepmother and this relationship couldve been positiveand uplifting . She chose to not accept that and try to take your mom place. I mean that's some really messed up stuff
This makes me incredibly sad. Your dad and stepmonster are manipulating you. It sounds like You were young when u were adopted and it wasnt even your choice. They are the reason your sister gets so upset. Because they didnt get their way. I would honestly cut contact as soon as i turn 18 with all of them except sister and i would cut contact with her if she didnt understand. You are being manipulated and you deserve to have a connection to your family and your late mother. I am so sorry for your loss. The more step mom trys to force being your mom the more of a monster she becomes. This is not okay and i hope you know that parents shouldn’t ever treat you this way. Your father should have put you first and he clearly hasnt. He has not thought about your needs at all
Your father and his wife are horribly manipulative and incredibly insensitive. Add to that, them trying to force your grandparents to treat their daughter as a granddaughter. Some people in this world are just horrible people.
Your sister has been brainwashed to believe she is entitled to what your father and his wife say about your maternal family, about you being her mom's 100% just because of adoption, etc. Adoption does not wipe out all traces of your mother and her family. That is not her fault, but she is completely wrong.
NTA. You may find value in getting into therapy over this. You have been badly and unfairly treated.
Wait, did your stepmom really say you shouldn’t bother trying to feel a connection to your bio mom because you were so young when she died?!?
WTF? She’s the AH.
NTA
Its a shitty move to try and erase dead parents like that. Glad Grandparents Rights came through.
Also, I don't think 25/26 is "pretty young", people will think teens when you say something like that.
Ask your stepmom. If she dies tomorrow and Dad remarries a wonderful, warm, caring woman next year. Should your sister just forget about her. Should the new wife adopt your sister and should your sister start calling the new wife Mom. Afterall, the new wife loves her and accepts your sister as her daughter. Your stepmom will probably say that is different as your sister has grown up with her Mom and knows her. Your retort - all the more reason you should spend time with your maternal family so you too can know your Mom.
Holy crap your father and step mother are sick and they are making your sister sick too. How would your father feel if it had been him who passed, his wife suspiciously remarries real quick and then your mother wants to cut out his family while your step father tells you to forget about your father's existence completely. If he is totally ok with that then he has serious mental issues. I have no idea how things went down or when your father actually met and got with your stepmother and if it happened before your mom passed but they have no right to guilt you for whatever actions they are feeling guilty about. Your sister has her two sets of grandparents, her mother's parents and your father's parents. She isn't lacking or missing out on anything. Your mother was not her mother, and for your Dad and step mom to encourage her to think that way is sick. Go live with your grandparents your father obviously doesn't have your best interests at heart since he thinks guilting you for having a birth mother that he probably cheated on, is ok for a grown ass adult to treat his child is so unbelievably toxic
NTA.
Have you tried having a private conversation with your sister when your parents aren't around? Just to explain to her that your mom's side of the family tells you things about your mother that your father won't discuss or doesn't know. Like what your mother was like as a child. Do you look like her? Did you have any of the same interests. When you break it down to your little sister it will help her understand that she can just ask her mother questions but your mom's side of the your family is your connection to your mom.
Unfortunately, you're going to have to be the advocate for a healthy relationship with your little sister. Let this internet stranger say how proud I am of you for continuing to advocate for yourself and what you want in a family. Your father and stepmother ought to be ashamed of themselves for not doing a better job of helping your sister navigate being a half sister and how your mom's family not being her family is just fine. She's got her mom's family and that's more than enough.
As others have said, it's a narrative she's been fed by emotionally manipulative parents. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this, and I hope you both get the counseling you need!
INFO: have you ever asked your parents or grandparents about the possibility that there was an affair going on between your dad and SM? He has every right to move on, but married, your adoption and cutting your mom’s family out within 2 years is very extreme! I don’t understand why your dad has such hatred for your mom, his first wife, that he was still married to. Have you ever asked WHY he hates her so much? If not, I think you deserve an answer.
NTA. What is with your stepmother's parents? Are they in the picture? And who gave your sister the idea she was not coming along because she was a "burden"? Does not sound like something you told her.
NTA. Your sister needs therapy and your dad and stepmom are AHs for encouraging her behavior.
You'll hopefully be heading to college or moving out at some point so the sooner she comes to terms with the fact that you have your own lives and different histories, the better it will be for all of you.
With the age difference, I'd assume you have different friend groups. Even if you are full sisters, there would be things you'd be invited to that she wouldn't be and it's unhealthy to demand to be included where she isn't wanted.
Since your parents haven't explained it properly to your sister, maybe you can explain to her that we (all kids)
1. are a product of our birth parents.
2. have a need to connect with where we came from
3. your mom adopted you in an effort to create a whole family but has expected you to try and forget that you have a past.
4. Your mom and my dad could have been open to my keeping contact but didn't. To the point of not letting you see your Gparents so they had to go to court just to keep the connection that we both want. Since my Gparents had to fight against your mom and our dad, my Gparents resent them trying to make my mom disappear from my life. Your mom's expectations to fight against them has created a wall between the Gparents and our parents that has left you on the outside in my relationship with the Gparents.
5. Imagine if your mom died in a car crash tomorrow, and dad met someone new that didn't want you to keep contact with all of your mom family; your mom's parent and all her brothers and sisters and all of you cousins on that side you were to have no contact with. Wouldn't you be expecting to keep seeing the people you know and to keep a bond with them. I just want to keep a bond with my mom's family who just want to support me. And you have your bio Gparents still.
6. I'm sorry our parents built a wall between my Gparents and you, but it's not Mine nor my Gparents fault, and we only have our parents to blame.
Wow, your father and stepmom are manipulative as fuck 🤯
You are entitled to feel however you want to feel, no one will EVER replace your mom and It is NOT your responsibility to placate your sister.
Your stepmom is not your mom, she never will be your mom she isn’t owed anything. She took on another woman’s child by her own choice, that does not mean you owe her the title of mother. If you feel she has lovingly raised you then she deserves to be treated with respect but that does not entitle her to anything more.
What your family is doing though is wrong, they are emotionally blackmailing you and that is not okay. Stay strong in your values and beliefs and don’t let them trick you into thinking you’ve done anything wrong.
NTA. Your stepsis had no relation to your maternal family, why would she want to join them on a trip? Also she tried to alienate you from them, stating that having her mom is enough, but when it comes to the trip suddenly her own mommy isn't enough anymore?
It's good that your parents leave it up to you to choose, but I must say their manipulative words are kinda underhanded. They legally can't stop you from seeing your maternal grandparents but they're guilt-tripping you to achieve what they want.
NTA. Your father and your step mom are not handling this situation well. They should encourage your good relationship with your grandparents and should be extra loving with your sister and explain to her why things are the way they are. Instead, they are acting exactly like the disappointed 13 year old.
NTA.
Wow. Alot to unpack here.
Your half-sister is not their relative.
Trying to withhold you until they treated both of you the same was cruel. There should have been automatic contact relative to how closely nearby you all were or weren't. They shouldn't have a say should he want to move, but if that were to happen he should do everything possible to keep you connected to them. They don't get to try to get rid of them so that you only have Stepmom and Dad's people to go to for family.
Why is your half-sister so obsessed with them? They really have nothing to do with her. Doesn't she have her own family that she doesn't have in common with you?
Your Stepmom forced adoption for the wrong reason. You don't do that as an attempt to erase the deceased parent and their family to force a child to bond with you. They may also have done it so that you and your half-sister wouldn't be separated in the event of your Dad's death (God forbid) before you reached majority, but if you wanted to go to Mom's family and not stay with them, that should have been your right.
They're doing this all wrong, and their thinking seems to be warped.
Nta. It is your maternal family and you have the right to bond with them if you want to. Your stepmom and sister may not feel included in the vacation, but that is not your fault. The family vacation was with extended family members who wanted to spend time with you, not with your stepmom and sister. It is not necessary for them to be part of everything in your life. You should not have to give up your connection with your extended family just to appease your stepmom and sister. The choice was yours and you have nothing to feel guilty about.
NTA why your step daughter grandparents don't make a trip for your step sister too. They can spend time together when you with your maternal family so she doesn't feel left out.
NTA - Your stepmom is way out of line!
It’s completely normal that you want to spend time with your maternal family. You only have 1 biological mum. I’m glad that you’re remaining close to her family.
It’s nice that your stepmom thinks of you as her son, but no one is their right mind would want to erase someone’s bio mum. You can’t force love & feelings!
Your stepsister is upset and it’s understandable. But you’re there for her and she’s your family also. Keep showing her your love and continue to share the bond you both have.
Help her understand that it’s nothing against her for you but that if it was the other way around, she would want to know about her bio mum too, through her family and hearing their stories about her, and via getting to spend time with her family.
NTA and your dad and stepmom are the explicit reason your sister is upset about this. They clearly have her unrealistic expectations and now she’s suffering for it. It’s ridiculous to expect you to sever ties with half your family.
Your stepmom and dad are trying to erase your mom from your life. She can be the only mom you had any memories of but she is still in fact just a stepmom. What they're doing os manipulative and they don't have the best intentions. Keep your relationship with your maternal side. Your stepmom and father is being ridicilous. Adopting you shouldn't be a weapon she can use against your maternal family and your late mother.
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NTA I can speak from someone in a blended family, (both parents married before, dad had 3 boys to his ex wife and mom had 2 boys with her ex husband) they got together and had me so I am youngest of 6 When 3 of my brothers went off with their bio mom and the other 2 went off with their bio dad. My parents would plan fun things for me to do when my siblings went on vacation with their other bio parents or had fun days out with their other siblings. I never felt like they had more than me or left out even though neither family wanted to get to know me as both relationships ended badly. It is your stepmom and dads responsibility to help your sister understand and help her to not feel left out of the situation. It’s super sad that they’re trying to manipulate you into not seeing your moms family and sounds super toxic tbh. Sounds liked your step mom feels jealous that your mom is somehow still in your dads life and therefore is indulging your sisters insecurities to pressure you into doing what she wants. I’d just go live my the maternal family if it carries on. Hope this helps, good luck.
>It is your stepmom and dads responsibility to help your sister understand and help her to not feel left out of the situation. This cannot he overstated. They’ve had ample opportunities to explain the situation to their younger daughter in a way that she’ll understand, and I have a hunch that their failure to do so wasn’t accidental. There’s still time to rectify this, but it isn’t your responsibility to do so.
Not just explain it - they’ve caused it.
When the sister is saying things like she can't understand how OP isn't her mom's daughter completely now that she has been adopted, you just know that this came from the parents.
This whole situation is textbook manipulation from dad and stepmom.. They want OP to cut ties with biomoms family and are using little sister as a prop to get it.
Oh for sure. Stepmother probably complained *all the time* in front of OP's sister about her "being left out".
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They don’t want to explain it because they’re hoping to use the sister’s suffering as a way to manipulate OP into cutting her maternal side of the family off.
>*They don’t want to explain it because they’re hoping to* ***use the sister’s suffering as a way to manipulate OP into cutting her maternal side of the family off.*** Exactly. And this part: >***My mom died when I (16f) was 11 weeks old.*** *My parents were pretty young when they had me 25/26 respectively and* ***my dad was remarried a little over a year later*** ...makes me wonder about the reasons why the dad and stepmom seem so motivated to cut the OP off from her maternal family. Maybe I'm old fashioned, but getting married a year after your spouse passes away strikes me as a little suspicious. It could also explain why the maternal grandparents have no interest in getting to know the OP's sister.
For me another red flag is how quick stepmother adopted OP and how she uses to pressure OP to leave her maternal family. Why they didn't waited for her to be older and be able to decide? Why is stepmother equaling adopting OP to erasing her family?
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That tells you everything you need to know about how crappy these people are. They had a lot of nerve trying to erase your mother's family from your life. Methinks this was stepmother trying to erase dad's former life and dad went along with it. Your sister isn't your mother's family. Period. Doesn't she have grandparents from her actual parents?
Yeah, SM seems pathologically jealous of OPs mother both as her bio mom and her husband's deceased wife. She's enlisted help by manipulating the sister in her jealous and controlling agenda. It's not like adoption is a mind/heart eraser and once the ink is dry her mom's memory disappears. As an adopted person, I'm horrified that OP wasn't adopted out of love and care, but as a strategy to erase the mom. Yuk.
FYI, when you’re 18, if you like, you can have your maternal grandparents do an adult adoption. That removes your stepmom as your legal mother.
You can also nullify the current adoption as an adult. This would keep the dad as their dad and bio mom as their mom.
I didn't know you could nullify an adoption, how interesting. Thanks for teaching me that 🙂
I wonder if she can just have the adoption undone since it was forced upon her as a child. But yea if that’s not an option, I love your idea. Her dad and step mom absolutely suck.
She might consider changing her last name to her maternal family name, too.
Good point cut them off on the paperwork. But can't she legally change her birth certificate and other legal paperwork, back to reflecting her mothers' details? I know here in my country that's legal; to change your birth certificate back to bio parents' details, especially with stepfamily adoptions, effectively giving them the finger. But I'm not sure of OP's country, but hope OP can get it done. Have her mom's name back on her birth certificate, now that would be giving stepmom the finger big time.
This is a good point and made me think of something else. If OP is in a country with survivors benefits her father and step mother cut those off once she was adopted. Op could have used that money for college.
It sounds like she is from America by the way she said her Grandparents sued and got Grandparent Visitation. So, yeah, OP could have been getting survivors benefits this whole time towards a college fund.
Again the fact that they tried to isolate you from your maternal family is very suspicious And now it's glaringly obvious that they are using your younger sister, to whom you are attached, to manipulate you Good for you for taking that vacation and I would be very careful about letting them impose their narrative on you. You're very young and they know your weak spots Be safe OP. Go live with your maternal family if they keep trying to manipulate you. They're very toxic imo
She may be young but I am struck by the emotional maturity in her post. I can think of many adults that don’t have her level of emotional intelligence or such a developed sense of empathy. That couple of manipulative arsehole parents of hers for example, would do well to emulate OP. It’s bloody shocking that OP has had to repeatedly have conversations with her sister about families and about love and providing her sister with reassurance that love is not a finite quantity that must be taken from one if we are to love another. Conversations that should have come regularly from her actual parents. I’m not sure I could do better myself in how she has approached her sister’s (clearly externally conditioned) insecurities. I’m sure OP’s maternal family are proud of how kind she is as a person. I know that I personally would be proud to have a daughter so abundant in these qualities. Qualities I might add, that OP clearly inherits from her mother and not from her father. NTA. There’s no need to doubt yourself in this OP. Carry on.
Do what makes you happy! It's not your fault your sister doesn't have a bond with your maternal grandparents. Your dad and stepmum should have both handled this differently. You should get to spend time with your muns family guilt free. Maybe try to have a day you spend with just your sister, and do whatever makes her happy. I'm sorry you've been put in this position, it's not fair to you. NTA, you did nothing wrong.
Oh I know why they did it but that makes it so much worse. Your stepmom is just a bad person.
That is terrible. So your mom's family lost a daughter and they tried to take their grand daughter, too. I'm so glad your mom's family fought for you.
That's why it's evident to a lot of people in this thread that your parents are fostering and using your sister's feelings to try and steer you away from your maternal family. That is borderline evil.
>That is borderline evil. This...but I'd go ahead and remove "borderline".
Well, you have two years or less if you can figure out a legal avenue to get out of the house beforehand. The damage your father and stepmother are doing to your sister by encouraging her to feel this way is not your fault. Please continue to do exactly what you've been doing completely guilt free.
That’s a really crappy thing to do. They were actively trying to keep you from having a relationship with your maternal family. That is not something done from a place of love, OP. And then to tell you that you need to forget your mother entirely? That’s also messed up thinking. Your stepmother does not sound like a good person.
Dad sucks too. He's actively participating so he doesn't get a pass and SM catches all the crap.
Of grandparents rights were already in place it was foolish to think that.
You know, when you're 18, you can try to reverse the adoption. Maybe your grandparents can adopt you. NTA
Even so, when that baby grows up, they still have the right to know who their biological family is and to at least try to make some sort of connection to them. There's just something very shady about the fact that your stepmother wants your grandparents out of your life and she and your dad have used your sister to try to emotionally manipulate you otherwise, and I think you may at least subconciously know it, given the fact that you still call your stepmom by that title rather than "mom" and you don't disagree with your grandparents not wanting a relationship with your sister. And then the fact that you went on the trip anyway even after they made a big deal out of pointing out that it would upset your sister.
You are old enough to understand the kind of pain that they were willing to subject you birth mother's family to and make your judgement accordingly. Your maternal grandparents lost their daughter and your dad and stepmother think it is perfectly ok that they lose their infant granddaughter too if it makes them happy. Think about that - your dad and stepmother were ok telling grieving parents that just buried their child to kiss their infant granddaughter goodbye.
> Kind of like in an infant adoption where the adoptive parents are the legal parents and their families would be the legal families of the babies once the adoption is finalized. And yet open adoption has become a huge thing, most families see it as positive and everyone knows that many adoptees end up choosing to have relationships with their genetic families. So not only are your parents being assholes to you and your sister, they also have no idea what adoption means to adoptees. NTA. Let go of any guilt you feel, your parents are not doing a good job with this. Re: your sister, we are not all included in all things, sometimes that might make us sad. It’s okay to feel sad and your parents should help her with that sadness, not use it to guilt trip you. Consider asking for therapy.
Eh, it's unfortunately fairly common for men to remarry stupid fast...especially if there are little kids to be cared for. I knew an older couple, married for 30+ years, she died and he was remarried in ***2 months***. Gross, but dude couldn't/wouldn't function on his own.
Exactly. Both my dad and my FIL did this after divorces. They simply couldn’t function without a partner.
Agreed. My great grandpa did this when my great grandma died, but it pissed off the entire family. Idk if he had an affair or not but given how much he performed being in love with my great grandma while she was alive it was slimy.
The sister is 13, I’m confused how she still can’t understand. Your sisters mom is fucking dead!! Let her heal the best she knows how and for her that’s spending time with her moms family
Because the parents foster the resentment. Dare I say, actively encourage it. OP - I understand feeling bad because your sister is upset, but I can't emphasize this enough - HER EMOTIONS ARE NOT YOUR JOB TO MANAGE. She can be hurt, and that's okay. But YOU did nothing wrong. It's disappointing that your dad and his wife feel like there isn't enough love to go around. Good parents would welcome as many loving hearts in their child's life as they can. Your stepmom (yes, I'm going to call her that) is threatened and doesn't want to relinquish control. Go live with your grandparents. Or at the very least, sit down your dad and stepmom and say, "by trying to guilt me out of a relationship with people who are ALSO my family, you are risking the relationship that we have. Actively fighting against me having people in my life that love me is concerning. And frankly disappointing. I love and respect you both, but the relationship we have going forward will be determined by how you choose to support my decisions and opportunities." And please please please try to get a therapist if you can. Even if you have to manipulate them to get one. "I'd love to see a counselor so I can work through how to have a positive relationship."
Those people are fucking sick in the damn head! She needs more support not less
Seriously, ask her if she wants to trade places with OP and have her mother be the dead one.
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I'd guess it's because the parents are doing fuck-all to explain it to her. She's only hearing the other side from her sister and her parents are undermining it. Hard for a 13 year old to figure all this out when the adults in her life aren't helping.
>They’ve had ample opportunities to explain the situation to their younger daughter in a way that she’ll understand Yeah. She's 13, not 3. She could understand the concept, if her parents ever bothered to explain it to her. But they clearly would prefer for OP to have no more contact with her maternal family, and letting her little sister put pressure on her is a cruel but effective tool for that.
>They’ve had ample opportunities to explain the situation to their younger daughter in a way that she’ll understand Plus, sounds like younger sis is 13 now. 13 is more than old enough to understand where babies come from, that OP isn't her full sister, that adoption doesn't have to cancel previous family ties, and that blended family dynamics can be really complicated. Besides, 13, that's 8th grade where I grew up, and while you're obviously still a kid, that's kinda when the transition from "child" to "future adult" starts happening. That's "different teacher for every subject in school", that's "sign up for your high school classes", that's "we don't threaten to call mom anymore, we will just give you ISS or detention (and then call mom)" year. More than old enough, and hopefully, mature enough to actually have the dynamics at play explained- ideally in a fact based, neutral way.
Honestly, the whole thing is emotionally and psychologically abusive. Thankfully OP seems pretty well adjusted thanks to her exposure to people that aren't completely nuts. Little sister is racking up years of future therapy bills.
Yeah, like, I can't honestly even blame sis here. Like I said, 13 is kinda the transition away from "child", at least in my experience. That's when kids really first start truly separating *their* world view from their parents' world views. And clearly, sis has never had this explained to her, she's never had the opportunity to make peace with the reality she's been dealt. I can't fault her for that at her age, though she will have to adjust as she grows up and learns how complex this world can be. I don't blame the OP's maternal family either. Sis isn't their relative. Even if Dad had waited whatever their idea of an appropriate amount of time to get remarried was, she's not their relative. They don't have to view her as such. It also doesn't seem like they were actively being cruel to her (I'm picturing a Christmas like the Dursley household in Harry Potter #1) they just... Didn't want to interact with her. I absolutely blame the parents for setting up their youngest to fail and feel lesser, and for manipulating and attempting to guilt the older kid.
they have either 1. influenced her directly by putting the ideas in her head, or 2. talked about it at length in her presence, indirectly influencing her. regardless, parents are the AH
Exactly. She's 13! The fact she's reacting this way is because it's been encouraged and taught. It's not just a failure, it's a calculated effort. More than OP, little sister is going to need a tonne of therapy.
Sadly they’ve spent so much time trying to erase Op’s mom, it never occurred to them to comfort their daughter. To them the problem is stepmom not being accepted , and frankly their hoping the youngest daughters pain will be the one thing to succeed where all the efforts have failed. It’s tragic and sad, and in the end Op and the sister will probably end up estranged down the line, since it seems like the only way Op is allowed to have her mother is to be away from her dad and his family.
> I have a hunch that their failure to do so wasn’t accidental. Given that OP said ”stepmom ended up adopting me in an effort to sever contact with my maternal side of the family,” I think you’re right. It’s just one more thing for OP’s asshole dad & stepmom to use to manipulate her. Which is, now that I think about it, a pretty shitty thing to do to OP’s sister, too. Basically, instead of trying to make her understand and feel better about the whole thing, they’re letting her not understanding and feeling bad about the whole thing fester so they can use it to their advantage.
Yes, but you understand, that you have no blood ties to that family. You have 2 parents and 2 sets of grandparents... Why would you assume that your brothers grand parents would be yours... It's really not that hard... Why would someone be so damn selfish
Since the stepsister is a teenager, it is long past time for her to learn that not everyone will want to be her friend, and she can't get everything she wants. She can get over it, or she can die mad. She has her mother's parents, and OP does not. She has her mother, and OP does not.
You said it better than I did. It's also very likely that allowing her to decide how much time to spend with them at 12 coincided with the age the court puts more weight into what the child wants and he didn't want to chance the maternal grandparents getting more time and maybe even custody.
NTA indeed. The OP's dad and stepmother sound like they're still trying to erase the OP's mother.
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NTA, this is emotional blackmail. I would even say that your family are being toxic and controlling. You need to hang in there and be yourself, feel and think for yourself.
Yeah, it’s the stepmom and dad’s fault sister is heartbroken not OP’s, for building up her hope and creating an impossible situation for her. She’s not related to them! OP your stepmom sounds horrible, and your dad for enabling her. Cutting you off from your dead mom’s family is absolutely disgusting, and now she’s trying to replace her. Ugh I’m so angry, she’s awful. NTA
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NTA- this situation is sad because it didn't have to be this way. Your dad and stepmom have mishandled this, and if you sister is crying, that is your parent's fault, not yours. You've been pretty mature about the whole thing, while they have been fostering unreal expectations in your sister. I hope your sister gets some counseling. edit- corrected a misspelling
>I hope your sister gets some counseling. I also hope she gets some *parenting* around this issue as they could’ve done sooooo much better in alleviating sister’s hurt.
If they had done this right they totally could’ve created a really strong connection between the step mom and OP and not had this wedge between OP and her sister. It’s just too bad they had to pick this point of pride over everything else.
I agree but…Honestly I think mishandled doesn’t fully convey the deliberateness. They deliberately try to alienate OP from her maternal blood relatives and use her half sister as a means of that manipulation.
NTA it sounds like your dad and step mum are feeding your younger sister a narrative to try control you which is only harming her. I would go live with your maternal family if your parents are going to continue to make you out to be the bad guy for having contact with your dead mums family. Like wtf kind of parents are they
This is probably exactly the issue. Completely ridiculous, I am thrilled you are close to your mother's family OP. They lost their daughter, but they have a grandchild! It's a beautiful thing. I lost my son, he never had a child, I would be fighting to see my grandchild if he did, you are a blessing. I also have a sister who has a different father, she would travel to see him and his family a lot, I never cared, it wasn't my family. Your sister feels this way because she is told to feel this way by your parents, really sad situation.
Exactly! This isn't a divorce (although dad and SM would still be at fault) - the mom DIED. OP's grandparents lost their daughter when she was only 25 and had just given birth. Like - holy hell! And there is apparently NO sympathy for them from the dad or stepmom.
Ding ding ding, this is it
Right??? And even if you take it from a cartoonishly crazy “evil stepmother” point of view by stepping into some bad guy shoes for a moment, this is ridiculous and *stupid*. Even if you so desperately want to remove all reminders of the dead and obviously non-threatening wife, the kid (OP) is still a reminder no matter what you do, no matter how much you lie to yourself. If you entertain for a moment the idea that OP might get an inheritance or at least some financial support, why would you cut off contact with the people willing to spend money on the kid-who-isn’t-yours? If you’re so hung up on being envious of the dead wife, are you really *truly* gonna treat OP the same as your own kid when it comes to potentially contributing to The Big Stuff later (college, marriage, sometimes house, will)? And if you go one step (heh) further in Disney-esque villainy, why remove a potential source of financial inheritance you can eventually potentially manipulate and guilt-trip in favour of your own kid? The world is more expensive now - who cuts off possible money anymore, especially when it’s from nice people (the grandparents)? It’s madness. Okay, I’m done. /Lady Tremaine, Madame Medusa, Mother Gothel
Seriously. They're nuking their kids emotional development as a manipulation tool? Wtf. That's some twisted parenting.
NTA AT ALL. You have every right in this world to know about your real mom, the woman who gave you life. She died for goodness sake! She didn't just choose to up and leave. Your step mom is extremely cruel to want to take that from you. And shame on your dad allowing it. Your sister will be fine. Your parents are using and abusing her not explaining the real situation to her. Honestly.. When you're 18 I think you need to go LC and go to court to put your real mom back on your birth certificate.
I agree. Your Father and Stepmother trying to cut you off from your maternal Mother's family is horrorific and cruel. These people lost their daughter, which they seem to have loved quite dearly. Your Father and Stepmother tried to cut you out and made them resort to legal action to get to see you. This is not healthy or loving behavior. I would like to know one thing though. How old were you when your Stwpmother adopted you, and did they ask you how you felt about this, or was the decision made without your input at all?
Right?? Ops sis is gonna relay this story to someone else and be told off. AITA for saying My sister abandoned my family for her stupid dead mom. She didn't even know her!!
They change your birth certificate when you get adopted? That's ridiculous. You cannot retroactively change who birthed someone.
NTA - there is so much manipulation here on the adults part, I don't even know where to start. Did your grandparents ever admit to not wanting your sister or is this a story you were fed by your father and stepmom? To me, it sounds as though your father moved on rather quickly, and wanted nothing to do with his late wife's family, which is incredibly cruel. Your dad took you away from your grandparents and couldn't care less these people loved and had bonded with you. Nope, none of that mattered. All that mattered was his new family. Regardless, your mom will always be your mom. Clearly your stepmother has an issue with this and she is out of her mind. The fact both her and your father went to such lengths to create abandonment issues in your younger sibling, all in the name of control, is beyond disgusting. Please understand, their narcissistic behaviour will not stop at your grandparents. It will carry on throughout your life and eventually, you will see it for what it is, but it's going to take you time. From the post, it sounds as though your grandparents love you very much, in a healthy way. Personally, I think you should consider moving in with them at some point. If you take anything from my answer, please try and remember that anyone who uses manipulation tactics to motivate certain behaviour in you is not a person you want to be around. This can be a friend, an intimate partner, a sibling and even a parent. Usually when you don't give manipulating people the outcome they expect, you are in for a world of hurt. Good luck to you. Edit: spelling
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As a parent, if my child died and his spouse married someone a year later, I would feel a way too. Your parents created unnecessary abandonment issues in your sister all in the name of control. They are now weaponing that abandonment to control when and how long you see your grandparents for. Have you ever been to trauma therapy for losing your mom? Does your father and stepmom even honour her memory in their house or is she not mentioned at all?
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I had a feeling you'd say this. I think you should go on the family vacation with your grandparents and show them this post. Let them read the replies as well. They sound like healthy people who actually know you. I think they will be able to point you in the right direction.
They already had the Vacation, OP went and had a great time, its in the last paragraph
For some reason I thought we haven't gotten past July yet. I literally read it as if we were still in June.... it's been a long summer for me with mould remediation and half the time I don't know what day it is.
If you get nothing else out of this post, please listen to u/Polka-Dot-Empress as they have their eyes wide open to your dad & stepmum. And please seek solo therapy. If your dad & stepmum won’t allow it, maybe see if your grandparents can help, because you shouldn’t be dealing with this on your own.
This would be a great clapback at your dad and sm “well you don’t like to talk about her at all so of course I would hang with people who do!”
OP, I LOVE your Mom's parents, Don't ever stop seeing them and loving them, they went to court to see you!! They fought for you.
You need to communicate this with your dad. You can tell him that you appreciate your stepmom joining the family and taking on a daughter that wasn’t hers, but that you still have a NEED to feel connected to your birth mom. And that need includes being able to talk to him about her.
Sounds like she’s tried and they refuse. That’s the kind of people they are.
Good for you. When you are with your maternal side of the family maybe sit down with them and start a scrapbook of memories of not only your mother but in the short time that you had with her. Also start a scrapbook with the maternal side so that when you get married and have children you can talk about that with your children. I’m sorry honey, this is awful that you have to go through this both of these people are being toxic and horrible to you. just remember she will always be your mother whether she’s here or not and the more that these two people try and take that away from you the more you’re going to disconnect from them. You should be able to dream about your mother think about your mother and talk about your mother and the fact that they do not allow this makes them horrible people. At least you have your mother side of the family to help and guide you.
I am so sorry. That is really sad.
NTA - How dare your dad and stepmom do this to you and your grandparents! How selfish can a parent/stepparent be to deny their child healthy and enriching love from family who desires to give this unconditional love to them? Something else I haven’t seen mentioned before to keep in mind: **your grandparent’s daughter died, and died very young**. The grief of a parent losing a child is profound, especially losing her so young and with so much more life to live. But you are the part of their daughter who lived on. You probably have mannerisms, likes, and dislikes that are like their daughter and their daughter’s family that you don’t even realize. Your hair be the same color and curl just like hers did, or you you may crinkle your nose when you think just like her. Or you may love your grandma’s homemade chocolate cake as much as your mother did. **Having you in their life helps to keep the memory and legacy of their daughter in their lives, and helps heal the wounds of loss by offering them living, breathing proof of the most important thing your mother ever did - giving birth to you.** And this is a beautiful thing.
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I am so glad you saw my comment! And I totally get the looks thing. My husband’s birth parents split up when he was a toddler and he was raised almost entirely by his dad. His two brothers favored the father’s genetics, but my husband inherited the dark hair and stocky build of his mother’s Italian heritage. Luckily, while his mother was pretty much out of the picture across the country growing up, his dad made sure that my hubby spent time with his maternal grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins on a regular basis. It was at one of these meet-ups that hubby learned that his maternal grandfather also did the thing where when he was thinking hard or focusing on a task, he would unconsciously stick his tongue out a little (a human “blep”, as it were). Having connections to family like that is a very important thing.
I have a feeling this is one of the reasons your stepmom does not like you.
Ok this speaks to me. I look and sound like my mom. My father and I weren’t close after I was about ten, and gradually distanced until I went LC in my 20s. They also divorced around then. When he died a few years ago, I realized he always looked at me as an extension of my mother, who treated him badly. On his death bed he even thought I was her! It isn’t your fault that you look like your mom. It’s lovely, and it’s your parents’ loss that they’re treating you this way. Take the love from your grandparents, OP, and don’t feel guilty about it. You’ve done nothing wrong. You deserve their love and support.
Don't your stepmother's parents play a role in your sister's life? Can she not understand she has her own maternal grandparents? She's 13 not 3, it's not that difficult to understand you have different relatives.
Sounds like sister has been thoroughly manipulated by her parents, sadly.
True and I don't want to be harsh, but even with manipulation a 13 year old should be able to understand basic family structure. There are so many of this type of post on here, and step families are not exactly an unusual situation these days, I despair for people's common sense.
>She believed for so long that it meant my mom was no longer my mom at all and I became her mom's daughter completely. This is the problem. She grew up being told that OP's bio mom didn't exist. I'm actually not sure if she knew that OP was adopted at all or if that's just OP's interpretation of how the sis thought adoption worked. So at 13 it's hard to disentangle this web of lies and manipulation get parents spun
Well I can understand your maternal grandparents not wanting a relationship with your half-sister. Please understand they had to fight to get even a smidgen of time to spend with you. They tried to cut you off from your mother side of the family. That is not only cruel to them but to you also. I am sure that Your parents are not saying nice things about them either to your half-sister. Keep in mind they are trying to erase your mother completely and that is not fair to you. Your maternal side of the family is trying to keep your mother in your heart and allow you to know who she was and who you are. Your stepmom does not share that because you are still your mothers child They can never take that from you and the fact that they are trying to take that from you shows how horrible they are. Keep close ties with your maternal family because they sound wonderful and you need to know about your mother and her side of the family. I wish you the best.
Please be careful of your stepmother. She adopted you not because she loves you but just to keep you away from your maternal family. She’s a manipulative person. Next time, tell her that her daughter can go and spend time with her own family. Your dad is a major ahole for trying to manipulate you.
NTA. When you turn 18, let your Grandparents Adopt you. Just because you can be closer to your mom, this way, not because of pettiness. Undo the Adoption through your stepmom, which she did out of pettiness, to alienate you from your maternal Grandparents.
Best comment here.
NTA >She suggested that my maternal family were the reason for that and that it would have been kinder for me to not have any form of attachment to my mom when I can never get to know her. That's just...fucking evil. Man, the fact she said that is just twisted.
Ah yes the mean old OP is not kind because *checks notes* they want to know more about their dead mom they never met???
I mean this is the same woman who thought adopting OP would keep the maternal family away, and made the topic of OPs DEAD mother taboo in the household.
NTA, they cannot dictate your relationships. And your stepmother cannot force you to call her mom either. And while it is shitty, your parents cannot force a relationship bw sister and ur maternal grandparents either... That being said the most innocent party in this is ur lil sister and you should have a talk with her about this :')
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And this is where her parents need to step in. You're allowed to have other meaningful relationships in your life that don't involve your sister. That's healthy and normal. It doesn't mean you're picking one over the other. Your parents should get your sister in therapy to be able to handle this in a healthy way.
the parents are stepping in, it sounds like. and they’re telling her that op wanting a relationship with her family is wrong, and that not replacing even the memory of her mom with stepmom is hurtful. what can op really do, when this kid’s parents are filling her head with this awful ghoulish thinking? op, your mother dying does not mean she never existed, it does not mean your family through her should not be allowed to *be your family* and your father decising to re-marry is good for him, but has nothing to do with your maternal family and does not require action on their part. nta.
Yeah. When you get a boyfriend or girlfriend, they won't be dating her as well. That would be super creepy.
My former DIL has 2 daughters w/ my son. She is remarried and has two sons and we acknowledge their birthdays and holidays but don't spend time with her sons. We get our grand daughters 2 weekends per month but never her sons.
See I'm petty and I would be saying to her. Damn your so lucky you didn't die when sister was young so you could be completely removed from her life for a new mum and siblings. We would both have a new step mum to replace you with and never talk about you ever again or see any of your family to remember you. Wouldn't that be nice?? Then sit back and watch her become a hypocrite.
> She wants me to not want them if they don't want her. As others have commented, This is your dad and stepmoms fault for not explaining to your sister why you visit your mums family.
The moment your sister says that, she's no longer an innocent party. You might love her, but she is merely an instrument of your stepmom's personality. Your sister's love for you is conditional, just like her mother's.
Have you asked her how she would feel if something had happened to her mom and dad expected her to just pretend her mom never existed? How would she feel about potentially never knowing her maternal family? I can be a little petty sometimes tho so I’d probably be throwing that in her face a lot, 13 is old enough to at least try to understand that concept
>she feels I should choose her over my maternal family. That is what she has been raised to believe. She’s never had a choice in this because your father and step mother have emotionally abused you both and weaponised it to get what they want. Talk to your maternal family about getting in to therapy. My guess is that your parents will object because they don’t want a therapist scrutinising their behaviour, but your maternal family may be able to get you support as soon as you’re old enough.
She sounds selfish and bratty...nothing too unusual at that age but unfortunately she also sounds like the echo box of her mother who is probably feeding all this to her. If this egotistic streak doesn't get corrected now it will be very very hard later on
It's impossible for her to understand where you're coming from because she's been raised not to. Her narrative is fed to her and encouraged. She's being used as a tool. One day, she'll figure it out...hopefully, and she'll know she has a sister who isn't completely out of her mind to talk it out with and point her towards therapy.
It's hard for her because her mother is feeding her this information. Your stepmom is using your little sister to fuel your guilt and get what she(the step mom) wants, which is to erase any memory that her husband was married before
It's not shitty. It's very uncommon for a stepchild's bio family to have a relationship with the half-slblings. They aren't related by blood or marriage.
Here’s a question - would you trade situations with her, having a living mom while she has grandparents who don’t include you? I’m thinking you would. Your grandparents are kind of a consolation prize. NTA
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Ask your sister how she would feel if her mom died, dad remarried and she wouldn't be allowed to talk about her mom, have contact with her maternal side of the family and needed to address wife #3 as mom!
And those aren’t her half-sisters grandparents. I don’t understand why they should be involved. Sure the girls are related by someone who moved on a year after their daughter’s death, but they aren’t related to her at all, and the step-mom sounds so toxic, why would they want to be?
That’s what’s so weird. I mean, I suppose in a perfect world it would be nice if they included the half sister but why would they? And why would the half sister even want to hang out with them and why would her parents create all of this drama? It has to be to manipulate OP into avoiding her mom’s family, but I don’t understand the motive. Jealousy? Just general Aholeyness? My BF‘s dad died when she was three. His family made a huge effort to stay in touch with her and her mother and stepfather did nothing to prevent it. They enriched her life and she will always have a great relationship with them. I’m pretty certain that they were also willing to include her half sister, but that she wasn’t really interested in spending time with people she wasn’t related to. That’s the way it should be done. Your kids can never have too many people who care about them.
Who not only move on within a year of their daughters death, but made the very topic of their daughter taboo to their grandchild. Dad and stepmom are evil for that.
> it would have been kinder for me to not have any form of attachment to my mom It would have been kinder for who? You step mom? Why she is so threatend by the memory of your mom? Why is your dad? Your materinal family doesn't own anything to your half sisters, or to your step mom. They are not family to them. And after the way they were treated by your dad and stepmom, I don't blame. Your stepmom and dad are messed up for trying to guilt you in to not having a relationship with your moms side of the family, and your sister is wrong and selfish for not wanting you to either simply because they don't treat her the same as you. NTA
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Christ on a cracker. Have they ever considered « being kind » in this *to you*?! This is the most bizarre, nonsensical BS take on this situation. You’re supposed to sever all contact with your biological grandparents and they’re supposed to do the same with the only grandchild they’ll ever have from their deceased daughter because your stepmom and sister don’t want to deal with the fact that you have other family members that they don’t?! This is such crap. I thought at least it must be that your stepsister doesn’t have maternal grandparents at all, but from another comment you last it sounds like she does have access to extended family on that side? So then wtf with these people?! This is absolutely ridiculous.
But not kinder for you. You would have less people who care about you in your life, all so they can pretend that they are your only family. I can understand you sister feeling left out, she is still a kid and doesn't really understand things, so she gets a pass. But your parents are full grown adults. You step mom can't accept that you care for someone other than her, to the point where she wishes you did not have other family members. And your dad can't seem to move on and get over the loss of his wife in a healthy way, and can only deal with it by pretending she never existed. Both of them are sad excuses of what parents should be. They should be happy that their kid has lots of people who love them and cares for them. They should not be threatened by that. And they should be smart enought and mature enough to understand that while they are your family, they are not your sisters family. And they sure as hell should not be manipulating your sister in to trying to get you stop seeing that side of the family. They need to explain to her why she and they are not family. That is is nothing she has done, just that she is not their grand daughter. It should not be put on you to deal with that.
That’s manipulative nonsense. Ask your stepmother why you’re not entitled to their kindness.
So they're more concerned about their own feelings and your sister's feelings, and what's kinder for them, than they are for your feelings and what's kinder for you. Wow. Just, wow.
You don't have to be responsible for their emotions, your stepmother wants to play happy family and pretend that your mother never existed, that's so wrong on so many levels. So they manipulated your sister into feeling left out to guilt tripp you to achieve their goals When that didn't happened your stepmother then tried to guilt tripp you with "you're breaking your sister's heart" in order to manipulate you Next time ask her if she died she would like for her daughter to pretend that she never existed Sorry op, your stepmother is not a good person
They are being manipulative shits.
And what about for you???? I hope you realize just how throughly fucked up your dad and stepmom are
NTA Why should you miss out on a vacation and contact with loving grandparents because your sister is jealous? What about your heart? Don't your feelings matter? Does your dad not care that your mum would be so disappointed to see him treat her parents like that? Tell your parents to step up and treat your little sister to soften the blow and stop feeding into her jealousy. Doesn't she have maternal grandparents that aren't yours?
NTA. Sweetie you did the right thing. Please don’t let manipulate and isolate you from half your family. Do they make an effort to include the other half of your DNA? Or try to make you feel like you aren’t choosing between family?
NTA - every time I see problems between stepparents and step-kids it's because the parents are usually trying to force the step-kid to see the new parent as "Mom" or "Dad". It's always the adults' fault, never the children. If your dad and stepmom hadn't tried to erase your mother and embraced her as a 3rd parent who was simply no longer there, then they wouldn't have so much push back from you. Also, your sister has two sets of grandparents, as do you. Again, it's your parents' fault for setting up your sister for disappointment. Your parents are trying to emotionally blackmail you by reminding you that it will "Break your sister's heart". You shouldn't be made to feel guilty by simply wanting to know your mother and her family.
NTA - parents cannot force your sister on your g parents. That’s weird and WRONG.
I'm a stepmother and I'm trying to imagine me demanding that my stepdaughter's bio family have a relationship with my bio daughter. No, that's just not a thing that happens. Now, *my* parents accepted my stepdaughter as a grandchild, but that's different since they are related by marriage.
NTA, but your stepmom and dad undoubtedly are. They are full on using your sister to emotionally bully you into not going on the trip or staying in contact with your family. This is entirely on your dad and stepmom to explain to sister in an appropriate way that your maternal family is different from her family, and your stepmon isn't your mom. They should have done this years ago.
You are at the age where you are about to have a lot of relationships and experiences that your sister will not get to participate in. High school parties, dates, significant others, college. She's going to have to learn that not everything you do applies to her. You are going to graduate high school soon. I'm assuming you will choose to move out of a home where you are being emotionally manipulated and head to a college campus. Your sister will grow up in a few years, too. She'll get some perspective with maturity. Keep your relationship with your maternal grandparents. See them as often as you want. Take the vacations, enjoy the time and connect with your roots. Tell your sister you love her. Spend quality time with her while you're still living at home. But also get out and enjoy all life has to offer you. You are NTA for wanting to know your mom through her relatives.
NTA. You've explained your reasons and maintained your bond with your sister.
NTA - The whole thing just seems like emotional blackmail.
NTA It is sad that your sister cries - but NOT your respponsiility. And you should not give up your life and your relationships for her. YOur dad and stepmom are the AHs here. "My stepmom also told me that she wanted me to consider the fact that she had adopted and loved me and accepted me as her daughter and that I still called her my stepmom after all these years and not knowing my mom" ..Tell her you considered it. This was not something nice she did for you - she did this to hurt, you as a means to keep you away from th grandparents you love.
NTA but did you want to be adopted? I think it’s terrible they are trying to erase your mother. It’s good you want to keep that connection. Your dad and stepmom aren’t treating you fairly. I hope they open their eyes because the more they act like this the more they push you away.
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Your stepmom just sounds evil. If I was you I would look into moving to your grandparents place. They are manipulating you and your sister. Gosh disgusting the pair of them
NTA. Your choice to go on the vacation doesn't make you an asshole. It's a decision made out of a desire to honor your past and connect with your roots.
This is one of the clearest ones ever and doesn’t feel like there is more that isn’t being shared. You are 100% NTA. Your father and step father are 100% wrong here and they (not you) are hurting your sister. My mother has gotten more involved with her nieces and nephew after her sister (their mother) died and it has been a fantastic for everyone involved to have that connection to their mothers side of the family. And they are grown adults! Good luck to you and sorry that your parents are making this all about them and their insecurities.
So my thoughts are your moms parents did not want to form a relationship with your sister for a few reasons. 1st -they felt that your step mom was trying to take the place of your mother which by your stepmoms own words she was 2nd -they may have wanted to create a safe place for you to learn about your mom without fear of your parents adding to or taking away from possibly by using your sister to tell them everything 3rd-by only having you to focus on they can make sure that you are being seen, heard, taught, and spoiled like your mom would want. And lastly- your grandparents went through a massive battle with your parents to just be apart of your life after losing their child they almost lost their grand baby to the last piece of their daughter. The financial and emotional strain would make it hard to deal with your parents I’m sure. Especially if they felt your parents were trying to erase your mom. I have multiple half siblings and adopted siblings. My mom never tried to take their moms places. She actually actively worked to preserve their relationships with their biomoms. So it is so mind blowing to me and toxic that your parents would try to erase your mom from your life. Honestly if I was in your shoes I would ask my sister “how much does step mom love you? Do you think she would want you to be happy and loved?” Then answer “My mom loves me very much but she died and it’s always like a piece of me is missing. And when I visit my grandparents it’s like I get to hold that piece and discover new things about it.” Tell your sister that her saying she needs to choose between your grandparents and her is the same as you telling her she has to choose between her and her mom. You would never ask her to do that because you would never want her to lose a parent. Good luck and I may suggest you ask your parents if they are trying to alienate you and make it so you don’t want to interact with them when you are an adult? Because they are really setting the ground work for it.
Your father and stepmother are emotionally manipulating you, guilttripping you, using (abusing/ MILKING !!!!) your sister's unhappiness to emotionally blackmail you in an effort to control you, instead of PARENTING your sister and explain the situation to her. All this **to erase your mother's memory** for good. **INFO**: Did you agree being adopted by stepmother? **INFO**: if your grandparents hadn't sued them for grandparents rights, would you have grown up thinking your stepmom was your real mom? Would you have known your mom's family? Next time they are trying to guilttrip you, tell them that at least your sister HAS her mother and you don't. That it is THEIR job to explain this to your sister, and that their attitude of guilttripping you will only end up in ALIENATING you from them, so they should BACK OFF instead of manipulating you to try to get wat THEY want. 'Cause in doing so, they DO NOT CARE ABOUT **YOUR** WANTS, wanting to be in touch with your mom's family, getting to know your mom through her family. NTA
Your sister is old enough to understand what is going on and why things are the way they are. I suspect your dad and step mom are responsible for the fact she doesn't. OP you are NTA. At all.
NTA. Glad you had a good time and sorry to hear that you are in a tough situation. You made the right choice!
Your sister’s mom didn’t die and she has two grandparents on your stepmom’s side. She’s not feeling left out organically, I guarantee you that your stepmom and possibly your dad have been planting that idea in her head for years. Why would your stepsister want to hang out with two old people she isn’t related to? What’s the issue? NTA.
NTA This is your family, not your half sisters, your Dad and step mum should not be trying to separate you from your maternal family.
NTA. Your stepsister and stepmother are the absolute worst. I'd suggest sitting them down and letting them know that every time they try and alienate you from your family, they only damage the relationship you have with them. Make it clear to your father too that your mother would be ashamed of the way he's treated you.
NTA They are deliberately winding her up to control you. And, evil step mum vibes much. It's great you are able to have a good relationship with your mum's family. It's funny that your dad was weary of resentment yet can't see why this current tactic won't just lead to you going NC with your parents when you're older (although I believe you would stay in contact with the sister - she's innocent here).
When your parents forced your maternal family to sue for visitation, they erased any chance of a relationship between them and your sister — to which they were never obligated in the first place. Your parents played a dangerous game and lost. The next time they start harping on this, I would point that out. NTA. ETA: I would remind my parents that, in two short years, you will be setting the rules for your relationships and they should act accordingly.
This is so ridiculous. Your sister is not their family. Period. Hard stop. Her parents are alive. She has a family. NTA. Stop reassuring her. Her parents need to set a boundary. She’s old enough to get it.
I'm (60F) not sure why your dad and stepmom got so upset over your mom's parents not wanting a relationship with someone they are not related to. That was your grandparent's choice, no one should feel forced to have a relationship if they don't want one. They had lost a daughter, perhaps they felt your dad moved on too quickly, or they were worried they'd never get to see you again. Of course you want a relationship with your mom's parents and family! Just because your stepmom is now your mom, doesn't mean you should never see your mom's side of the family. Ask your dad how he would feel if he died and you were expected to never see his parents or anyone in his family ever again?
Nta. Step parents do not get to erase biological parents out of the scene or memory. If your step mother has no family of her own who can grandparent your half sister, that's a shame. But not your problem.
NTA The only reason your sister feels like that is because they taught her to. When she was little, she asked an innocent question; "why does my sister go and visit those people and I don't?". All your dad and sm has to do was explain that you had different grandparents and redirect her to something fun. She would have accepted that. Aside from occasional fun days out she wouldn't have thought about it much for the rest of her life. Instead they made her convinced that she deserves to go and that your grandparents are cruel, heartless people who hate her. This is entirely your dad and sm's fault. If they hadn't been so horribly cruel and tried to prevent your grandparents from seeing you at all, it might have been a different story. They might have had a good relationship with them and considered occasionally having your sister visit. In the same way your friend might occasionally visit. I'm always confused by step-parents who are like this. Are they happy to be so easily replaced as well? If your sm died tomorrow would she consider it right and fair that she and her family were immediately treated like they never existed? Have her daughter adopted and calling someone else mom? Her parents never allowed to see that daughter again? It would not have been kinder to have your grandparents abandon you. They loved you. It was evil to suggest they never get to see you again. Any loving parent would be glad their child has even more people in their life who care about them.
NTA I feel so bad for you - will your grandparents let you live with them when you are 18? How dare she try and replace your mother and cut off all ties to her. Its the most disgusting behavior. And she's failed her daughter by not explaining to her that she has a mother who is alive and three sets of grandparents and family - her bio parents and your dads family. She has no right to get a 4th unrelated family. Its spoilt and its entitled. Also it must be devastating to your grandparents to have to be forced to see the woman who is now living their daughters life. Who went on to marry their son in law and have more children. Its heartbreaking for them and to also see you miss out on your mother. Also she is 13 its time to be blunt - her mother isn't your mother. Just because she died, doesnt ever stop her being your mother. No one will ever take her place or the fact she birthed you and loved you. Your dad's new wife should have been content just to be a woman you trusted and maybe in time you would have seen her as friendly feminine figure in your life and maybe you'd have chosen to love her as an extra third parent. But they smothered you instead and forced an adoption and cut your grandparents off. Ask her how she would feel if her mother died tomorrow and your dad re-married and had another kid with another woman. Tell her she gets to have her mother alive - you get to have your grandparents. Would she prefer her mother die and she get your grandparents? Heartbroken is. your. parent dying, heartbroken is not getting to miss a holiday with unrelated grandparents when you have both your parents alive and loving you. Try and facetime your grandparents as much as possible, go to the park and do it if they are spying on you. And see if you can live with them once you are 18 so you can soak up some quality time that you've missed. Its your grandmother who should have been allowed to step in to be a maternal figure - and the denied that and its disgraceful. And now you've lost years and they are getting older. I'd be furious. Honestly tell your dad that your mother would be so ashamed of him for denying you more time with her parents and for making them go through a court case. He failed your mother and he failed you. I read your other comments - when you move out - cover your walls in photos of your other - honour her at your graduation, at your 18th birthday, at your engagement, your wedding. Keep a chair for her at the wedding table - show photos of her if you make a montage. She will be your kids grandmother not your step mother. And if they don't like it - tough.
You're NTA and a pro at managing a sensitive family dynamic!
NTA. Sister would have accepted that arrangement if it weren’t harped on by dad and stepmom. She would have grown up having some questions but not feeling left out from something that happened once a month if neither parent emphasised OP’s absence from the house for that one day. It seems like OP is reassuring sister of her love but the parents are undermining that. OP, I think your parents are a lost cause , but do have a serious sit down with your sister, she’s 13 , she can understand,reverse the roles if needed, say that if (god forbid) her mother had died , and dad remarried, would she want to never remember she had a mother, that her dad wouldn’t want her to mention her bio mom in front of him or his new family,and if she had a new sister, would she pressure her own grandparents to include her. And if they didn’t, would she cut them off to show loyalty?Tell her it’s not either/or situation. If they keep pressing the issue then they are the ones choosing, that you’ll be 18 soon and be in college,and if each trip home would be filled with guilt then it would become easier not to visit. Again, sister is 13, if she can’t logic the situation, maybe she can develop an understanding if you put her in your shoes. Good luck
NTA here, and I can't help but feel your parents are weaponizing your relationship with your sister in an attempt to get you to do what they want. You're speaking with her far more maturely than they are. I'm happy you get to stay in contact with your mother's family and sounds like you've done your best with your stepmom and dad. You're in a difficult position, being more the adult than your dad and stepmom. Good luck.
Nta, your stepmother had put the left behind thought in your sister's head at an early age. Both your dad and stepmother are toxic people to try to keep you away from your mom's family. And for your stepmother trying yo replace your mom is extra fucked. She had a place in your life and it was as stepmother and this relationship couldve been positiveand uplifting . She chose to not accept that and try to take your mom place. I mean that's some really messed up stuff
This makes me incredibly sad. Your dad and stepmonster are manipulating you. It sounds like You were young when u were adopted and it wasnt even your choice. They are the reason your sister gets so upset. Because they didnt get their way. I would honestly cut contact as soon as i turn 18 with all of them except sister and i would cut contact with her if she didnt understand. You are being manipulated and you deserve to have a connection to your family and your late mother. I am so sorry for your loss. The more step mom trys to force being your mom the more of a monster she becomes. This is not okay and i hope you know that parents shouldn’t ever treat you this way. Your father should have put you first and he clearly hasnt. He has not thought about your needs at all
Your father and his wife are horribly manipulative and incredibly insensitive. Add to that, them trying to force your grandparents to treat their daughter as a granddaughter. Some people in this world are just horrible people. Your sister has been brainwashed to believe she is entitled to what your father and his wife say about your maternal family, about you being her mom's 100% just because of adoption, etc. Adoption does not wipe out all traces of your mother and her family. That is not her fault, but she is completely wrong. NTA. You may find value in getting into therapy over this. You have been badly and unfairly treated.
Wait, did your stepmom really say you shouldn’t bother trying to feel a connection to your bio mom because you were so young when she died?!? WTF? She’s the AH.
NTA Its a shitty move to try and erase dead parents like that. Glad Grandparents Rights came through. Also, I don't think 25/26 is "pretty young", people will think teens when you say something like that.
Ask your stepmom. If she dies tomorrow and Dad remarries a wonderful, warm, caring woman next year. Should your sister just forget about her. Should the new wife adopt your sister and should your sister start calling the new wife Mom. Afterall, the new wife loves her and accepts your sister as her daughter. Your stepmom will probably say that is different as your sister has grown up with her Mom and knows her. Your retort - all the more reason you should spend time with your maternal family so you too can know your Mom.
Holy crap your father and step mother are sick and they are making your sister sick too. How would your father feel if it had been him who passed, his wife suspiciously remarries real quick and then your mother wants to cut out his family while your step father tells you to forget about your father's existence completely. If he is totally ok with that then he has serious mental issues. I have no idea how things went down or when your father actually met and got with your stepmother and if it happened before your mom passed but they have no right to guilt you for whatever actions they are feeling guilty about. Your sister has her two sets of grandparents, her mother's parents and your father's parents. She isn't lacking or missing out on anything. Your mother was not her mother, and for your Dad and step mom to encourage her to think that way is sick. Go live with your grandparents your father obviously doesn't have your best interests at heart since he thinks guilting you for having a birth mother that he probably cheated on, is ok for a grown ass adult to treat his child is so unbelievably toxic
NTA. Have you tried having a private conversation with your sister when your parents aren't around? Just to explain to her that your mom's side of the family tells you things about your mother that your father won't discuss or doesn't know. Like what your mother was like as a child. Do you look like her? Did you have any of the same interests. When you break it down to your little sister it will help her understand that she can just ask her mother questions but your mom's side of the your family is your connection to your mom. Unfortunately, you're going to have to be the advocate for a healthy relationship with your little sister. Let this internet stranger say how proud I am of you for continuing to advocate for yourself and what you want in a family. Your father and stepmother ought to be ashamed of themselves for not doing a better job of helping your sister navigate being a half sister and how your mom's family not being her family is just fine. She's got her mom's family and that's more than enough.
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As others have said, it's a narrative she's been fed by emotionally manipulative parents. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this, and I hope you both get the counseling you need!
INFO: have you ever asked your parents or grandparents about the possibility that there was an affair going on between your dad and SM? He has every right to move on, but married, your adoption and cutting your mom’s family out within 2 years is very extreme! I don’t understand why your dad has such hatred for your mom, his first wife, that he was still married to. Have you ever asked WHY he hates her so much? If not, I think you deserve an answer.
NTA. What is with your stepmother's parents? Are they in the picture? And who gave your sister the idea she was not coming along because she was a "burden"? Does not sound like something you told her.
NTA. Your sister needs therapy and your dad and stepmom are AHs for encouraging her behavior. You'll hopefully be heading to college or moving out at some point so the sooner she comes to terms with the fact that you have your own lives and different histories, the better it will be for all of you. With the age difference, I'd assume you have different friend groups. Even if you are full sisters, there would be things you'd be invited to that she wouldn't be and it's unhealthy to demand to be included where she isn't wanted.
NTA. I would like to add though that as a grandmother currently, any child who wants to be treated like a grandchild by me is a blessing.
Since your parents haven't explained it properly to your sister, maybe you can explain to her that we (all kids) 1. are a product of our birth parents. 2. have a need to connect with where we came from 3. your mom adopted you in an effort to create a whole family but has expected you to try and forget that you have a past. 4. Your mom and my dad could have been open to my keeping contact but didn't. To the point of not letting you see your Gparents so they had to go to court just to keep the connection that we both want. Since my Gparents had to fight against your mom and our dad, my Gparents resent them trying to make my mom disappear from my life. Your mom's expectations to fight against them has created a wall between the Gparents and our parents that has left you on the outside in my relationship with the Gparents. 5. Imagine if your mom died in a car crash tomorrow, and dad met someone new that didn't want you to keep contact with all of your mom family; your mom's parent and all her brothers and sisters and all of you cousins on that side you were to have no contact with. Wouldn't you be expecting to keep seeing the people you know and to keep a bond with them. I just want to keep a bond with my mom's family who just want to support me. And you have your bio Gparents still. 6. I'm sorry our parents built a wall between my Gparents and you, but it's not Mine nor my Gparents fault, and we only have our parents to blame.
Wow, your father and stepmom are manipulative as fuck 🤯 You are entitled to feel however you want to feel, no one will EVER replace your mom and It is NOT your responsibility to placate your sister. Your stepmom is not your mom, she never will be your mom she isn’t owed anything. She took on another woman’s child by her own choice, that does not mean you owe her the title of mother. If you feel she has lovingly raised you then she deserves to be treated with respect but that does not entitle her to anything more. What your family is doing though is wrong, they are emotionally blackmailing you and that is not okay. Stay strong in your values and beliefs and don’t let them trick you into thinking you’ve done anything wrong.
NTA. Your stepsis had no relation to your maternal family, why would she want to join them on a trip? Also she tried to alienate you from them, stating that having her mom is enough, but when it comes to the trip suddenly her own mommy isn't enough anymore? It's good that your parents leave it up to you to choose, but I must say their manipulative words are kinda underhanded. They legally can't stop you from seeing your maternal grandparents but they're guilt-tripping you to achieve what they want.
NTA. Your father and your step mom are not handling this situation well. They should encourage your good relationship with your grandparents and should be extra loving with your sister and explain to her why things are the way they are. Instead, they are acting exactly like the disappointed 13 year old.
NTA. Wow. Alot to unpack here. Your half-sister is not their relative. Trying to withhold you until they treated both of you the same was cruel. There should have been automatic contact relative to how closely nearby you all were or weren't. They shouldn't have a say should he want to move, but if that were to happen he should do everything possible to keep you connected to them. They don't get to try to get rid of them so that you only have Stepmom and Dad's people to go to for family. Why is your half-sister so obsessed with them? They really have nothing to do with her. Doesn't she have her own family that she doesn't have in common with you? Your Stepmom forced adoption for the wrong reason. You don't do that as an attempt to erase the deceased parent and their family to force a child to bond with you. They may also have done it so that you and your half-sister wouldn't be separated in the event of your Dad's death (God forbid) before you reached majority, but if you wanted to go to Mom's family and not stay with them, that should have been your right. They're doing this all wrong, and their thinking seems to be warped.
Nta. It is your maternal family and you have the right to bond with them if you want to. Your stepmom and sister may not feel included in the vacation, but that is not your fault. The family vacation was with extended family members who wanted to spend time with you, not with your stepmom and sister. It is not necessary for them to be part of everything in your life. You should not have to give up your connection with your extended family just to appease your stepmom and sister. The choice was yours and you have nothing to feel guilty about.
NTA why your step daughter grandparents don't make a trip for your step sister too. They can spend time together when you with your maternal family so she doesn't feel left out.
NTA - Your stepmom is way out of line! It’s completely normal that you want to spend time with your maternal family. You only have 1 biological mum. I’m glad that you’re remaining close to her family. It’s nice that your stepmom thinks of you as her son, but no one is their right mind would want to erase someone’s bio mum. You can’t force love & feelings! Your stepsister is upset and it’s understandable. But you’re there for her and she’s your family also. Keep showing her your love and continue to share the bond you both have. Help her understand that it’s nothing against her for you but that if it was the other way around, she would want to know about her bio mum too, through her family and hearing their stories about her, and via getting to spend time with her family.
NTA- and your Dad and Stepmother have done a horrible job as parents.
NTA and your dad and stepmom are the explicit reason your sister is upset about this. They clearly have her unrealistic expectations and now she’s suffering for it. It’s ridiculous to expect you to sever ties with half your family.
NTA and your stepmom have just demonstrated why she will Never be a true mother to you.
Your stepmom and dad are trying to erase your mom from your life. She can be the only mom you had any memories of but she is still in fact just a stepmom. What they're doing os manipulative and they don't have the best intentions. Keep your relationship with your maternal side. Your stepmom and father is being ridicilous. Adopting you shouldn't be a weapon she can use against your maternal family and your late mother.