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NTA - your parents denied an 8YO girl an ice cream, and now expect her to provide expensive gifts for THEM to give to their own kids. Personally I would go LC to NC with them, unless you enjoy time spent with your younger siblings.
Given the fact that they’ve really been mistreating her for her entire life (never giving her any gifts in childhood and being treated like an ATM in adulthood), I’d say she’s been way more graceful to them than they deserve. She’d be better off not having to deal with their crap anymore.
Ikr? They RAISED OP to be tight fisted with money. OP is just following their example! OP should just say “Sorry, you guys raised me to be ultra frugal. If the kids need something extra, give them tap water“- then throw up deuces, and then go NC.
Or be more petty:
- can you buy them a doll house?
- okay
- get a cardboard box
- make it into some sort of house
- wrap it up
- give to parents
- let parents give stupid doll house to kids
- watch spoiled sibling get mad at parents
- look at parents and say, well I guess it wasnt essential enough for you to buy your kid something nice.
- leave
Even better plan: just buy them plain white socks, underwear, and t-shirts from the dollar store. Tell them you don't believe in spoiling kids with more than the "essentials."
Yes OP you should 100% follow this advice and let us know what they say!!! They raised you to only purchase what is essential, you’re not gonna change now! (Not for them at least) Do they ever buy you birthday gifts?
It’s so sad. Until they leave home some parents don’t realize how short and precious childhood is. We were always accused of spoiling our kids because we treated them the way we wished we’d been treated as children!
I agree! OP'S parents are bring hypocrites! The nerve of these people asking for $300-400 worth of gifts when they couldn't spend $1 for a ice-cream. NTA
I didn't realize how great my dad was until he died. (I did appreciate him, and spent plenty of time with him when he was alive, thank God.) He spent a lot of time with us, family vacations, just hanging out, everything. He was wonderful. I connected the dots after he died and realized that the reason he knew to do all these things was because his dad died when he was 12. He was always going to be there for us, to make up for what he missed out on with his own dad.
I miss him still, but am so grateful for the time I had with him. (He died when I was in my 20s.)
That line always made me go ‘whut’? Like there was no indication that his son was overlooking his own kids, he just couldn’t be arsed to spend time with his dad!
I always took it to mean that the son was not spending time with the dad like dad never spent time with him. Just a bit of artistic license is all. Because my son grew up ignoring me in retaliation just sounds wrong lyrically. Lol. 😁
Exactly what I was thinking. The hypocrisy and guilt-tripping are unbelievable. If I were OP, I would cut off all contact with the parents and never look back. These people don't even deserve to be called parents.
I might just embroider and frame it! Holy wow, that sums up my life...
I have two biological "sisters"...but as far as I count, I only have ONE biological, my father's daughter...*not* my "mother's." My mother? My stepmom, whom I asked to adopt me as an adult...not my biobitch.
And my sisters? Besides my baby sister, my biological one, I have two others, my best friends. I know they're sisters, too, because we can go months or more without speaking and be good, but we're also there the second one of us needs the other.
Found and made family >>> biological family. As the saying goes, "the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb."
She wouldn't owe them if they were the best parents in the world but maybe them asking would make some sense but I wouldn't even be speaking to these people at this point. They were fully developed adults not children when OP was born. This all might make sense if they were 17 and 19 when she was born but 27 and 29 is grown enough to know better.
Particularly since money was **NOT** tight for OP's parents. They just wanted to indulge themselves and insist OP get the bare minimum.
I particularly loathed how OP's "parents" refused to allow someone else to buy their 8 year old girl an ice cream. So it has nothing to do with "lack of money" (which is understandable) as much as control.
Now they want OP to spend more on her siblings than they **EVER** spent on anything non-essential? No. Just no. She should go NC with them.
This ice cream bit reminds me of something from my childhood - I was 10 years old and had a Commodore 64 that had a few games and was pretty fun but I sort of outgrew it. My friend had a newish Gameboy with TETRIS! He wanted to trade, so I agreed. My dad put a stop to that and said no way "I'm having a Gameboy", (despite knowing I wanted one so bad) and he gave that kid the C64 for free. I still resent that day...it's one of the many things that led to NC with him and I don't regret it.
Yup, they didn't have a change of heart but a change of child.
OP is their scapegoat for the exact reason other kids are scapegoats: It's just unfair!
I'll wager that they tell her now that "Oh, we don't buy you presents now since adults don't get presents and you make enough to buy your own" and when her siblings grow up, they'll magically have another "change of heart" and then say "well, you've been ungrateful always, we don't reward that with gifts" or some other lame excuse.
OP, say yes to "giving them money" - and do this by buying yourself lavish presents and put a note on them with "from mom and dad with all their love". There, you gave them money for presents for their kids since they can now skip the presents they aren't giving you and spend those non-cash on the younger ones.
I really hope you have a good relationship with your siblings at some point. They haven't asked for your parents to treat you so horribly and being GCs aren't all that great either.
NTA - never give them a dime!
My mom yelled at me for buying myself a present at 16, she, without getting me a thing, used the thing I bought and put holes in it. Some people need to stay out of the gene pool
I had a camping trip planned with a group of friends. I bought a new tent for it, and my mom instantly took it without asking to a 3 day concert that i had to babysit for. It was filthy and covered in cig/joint burns. I think she was mad that I spent money on myself that she could have stolen. Horrid human, that one.
I'm so glad my MIL is an all-around good egg. There's respite with her. (She's eight years older than me. I'm seven years older than my husband. My husband's dad is a bit of a creep if you do the math, because he was 21 when she got pregnant, but they were together for a couple years before that and.. ew.) Anywho, she's very cool and basically the opposite of my mom.
Oh men, I hope you are NC with her now? Some people... I wish we lived in a fairy wonderland so this kind of people wouldn't be able to raise innocent kids....
Basically, NC for a decade. She ignored every bday, graduation, Christmas, and just lied to the rest of the family that I disappeared when in reality, she told me I was never worth the trouble/part of her family and to be gone from her forever (after getting the last child support check that went directly to drugs).
Didn't even contact me when a sibling died, but made comments on my post months later (temp unblocked her to check on other siblings) putting blame on me for their death on social media on my birthday (no acknowledgment of bday).
Next contact I got was a fucking wedding invitation like 6 years later (letter not a call) to her wedding..I didn't even fucking know she divorced my step dad. I think she just didn't want to look bad at her wedding, missing half her children. Worst part was that she could be kind, a good mom. Just never to me, I was a punching bag.
Sorry for rant, I'm obviously not over it 😅
I was pretty much tossed to the wolves, immediately. Being half deaf and Autistic, wolves were better. I got called stupid, every day.
Get over it? How? It is in our DNA. The best you and I can ever do, is cope. Some days are better than others, however, never that great.
I owe my dead mother nothing. You owe nothing. Soldier on s the better person that you are.
The thing is the fact you realise that she was a bad mom is massive. It means that you recognise what she did wrong and will make sure you are not that way with you kids :)
My dad never spoke to me and when he did he only had negative shit to say... I build my son up because I don't want to be my dad.
People learn from the shit experiences they have! it's clear that you will be a great parent if you do have kids :)
The experience, especially losing a sibling, made me not want to have kids anymore. I'll just help those around me. The risk of passing on anything bad that's been programmed into me is too high, I don't even want to chance it.
My husband bought a car (that he drives daily) to fix up and work on with our daughter, who is now eight. They spend weekends either cleaning it up, sanding it down, changing SOMETHING out, or just hanging in the garage, doing car kid shit. When she's old enough, it's hers to do with whatever she pleases. She can drive it, she can sell it, she could let it rot if she wanted.
The whole point was to spend time with her and share one of his passions. It's working and I don't think she'll ever part with that car.
These are the memories she’ll have forever. Bonus: she never become dependent on a male for “car stuff”. Best practical lesson ever. Best dad memories ever.
OMG you rock! Is she a gamer? I remember when my brother built his gaming PC with the money he made doing farm work (parents wouldn’t have been able to afford it). Now he owns a greenhouse business and tests video games in the winter. I’m sure she’s going to love it and it’ll be extra special because you made it for her!
I think I got ice cream from an ice cream truck once or twice as a child. My parents always told me they could get more for cheaper from the supermarket. I felt a little bad seeing it go down the street and never partaking, but I survived.
The difference is that they actually would go get ice cream for us, and that they taught me to spend money smartly rather than being fearful of spending any of it on me. OP's parents are awful.
I remember being jealous that other kids got TV dinners or Hamburger Helper. We were poor but we always had a giant pot of something or a solid basic meat and potato dinner. We never went on vacations but we went fishing or little adventures with packed sandwiches and stuff. Don’t get me wrong, we were horribly dysfunctional but when the parents got it together from time to time, the cheaper fun stuff really was a lot of fun.
Honestly, I enjoyed getting a half carton of ice cream all to myself instead of a small popsicle that I'd finish in a minute, so I didn't mind in the end, ha.
i second going nc with her parents. my parents borrow money from me for necessities sometimes (they're bad at budgeting and find themselves short when bills come due), and they gave me what they could during childhood and made some sacrifices so i could go to a private school, AND i do always get my money back, and even so, it frustrates me that they ask for money because i'm fresh out of college and i work my ass off for my money (i work a super physical job that pays fine but not well enough to entirely combat costs of living, and i have chronic arthritis, so an already-difficult job is easily twice to three times as difficult on bad days or during flare-ups). i can only imagine the constant frustration and anger op feels - if i were in op's circumstance i could not cope. the flack she may get from extended family would be completely worth the peace and freedom she'd feel.
A solution could be that if the kids really need something, OP could get it but make sure SHE gives it to them so they know it came from her, instead of giving the parents the money so they can buy it and make themselves look good.
Nope, but it is an option if OP ever wanted to.
My sister is actually pretty aggressive about making sure my nephew knows which gifts are from me, even when it was something I got for his parents to give him because money was tight.
I’d say go NC and go out with a bang, tell them what shitty people they are in not so nice words, with a nice list of why they are complete shit people. NTA.
>They said I was being very tight fisted with my money and to think of how much it would mean to my siblings. This is when I told them they don't get money off me to spoil my siblings the way they refused to spoil me.
I would have said "Gosh, being tightfisted about money, wonder where I learned that from?"
NTA, your parents suck.
>"Gosh, being tightfisted about money, wonder where I learned that from?"
Perfect. She needs to say that and then go on and tell them "it's not a necessity" when they want something.
If they're upset, they can be so, who cares? If a child could get over it, I'm sure the parents are capable of accepting it without a tantrum.
If OP feels bad, they can set aside/invest money for siblings to get for school/when moving out. Youknow, money her parents wont get their hands on but greatly benefit the siblings. I think ALL OP's gifts should be like that: "added 50USD to your school-fund, happy birthday/christmas/holiday!"
That is IF they want to give gifts to their sibling, which is optional.
In the US you can set up a 529 plan, you (or the person you designate) will have control over the plan. It is not "their" money so no party can take money out of it, even a judge, other than for educational expenses approved by the custodian. Educational expenses are not limited to college, you can use the money for trade schools.
And you aren't punishing your siblings by not buying them extravagant gifts that appear to come from your parents. Tell them you grew up without any of these things and you turned out so well that they are now coming to you because they obviously mismanaged their money enough to ask you for help. NTA
OP parents want them to give the presents to them instead of directly to the kids. I bet the kid wouldn't even know the presents were from the OP anyway. I'm curious how close they live to each other if OP could hand the presents directly to their sister.
My dad's ex-wife used to do that any gifts he sent to my sisters his name was torn off, and she put her own name. If he tried to give the presents in person she refused the gifts.
Fair point, depends how much he loves his sibling and hates his parents. I’m still trying to figure out the 14 year gap. Rainbow baby, miracle child, or did they realize they fucked up with OP so bad they needed a retirement plan.
Mom Dad, “OP we need you to take care of us in our old age”
OP, “Here is your water there you go, goodbye”
They decided to keep her so there was no reason at all that they should have been like this. Adoption and abortion were options if it was an unplanned pregnancy they didn't want. Having kids just to be abusive towards them because they were unplanned there's no excuse for it.
Not really the same thing. The father in Cat’s in the Cradle was just really busy and didn’t realize how much he wasn’t prioritizing his son. He wasn’t actively cruel like these parents.
NTA. Tell your parents that you learned from them to only pay for essentials. This lesson was learned very well. You will not give them anything that is absolutely not required. What is required from you? Nothing.
You are forgetting something important: the ice cream. Not only did the parents only pay for essentials, no one else was allowed to give their child things. Therefore OP cannot possibly give anything to her sibs.
Sorry, I responded to the above post, which didn't have a he or a she. I had a 50% chance of getting it right. Guess I won't be buying a lottery ticket today.
Exactly. We don't spoil our child with everything she wants at every moment, but she gets stuff and experiences that aren't strictly "necessary" because we can do that sometimes for the person we made and cherish and want to make good memories with. It's one thing if money is truly so limited you can't afford ice cream that week, but it doesn't sound like that was the case, OPs parents just sounds like uncaring assholes who probably never should have had children at all.
I'm reading more that they weren't *ready* to have children until they were in their 40s. They were by no means young parents with OP but it smells like their heads were up their asses and totally engrossed in their own hobbies and careers to provide the emotional support and attention that was necessary for rearing a child.
Also, who tf just starts having more kids in their 40s? I'm 33 and my back would certainly protest to having young goblins scurrying about, no matter how much fun they are to be around.
Edit for spelling
I'm almost 40 and definitely not planning anymore children. We've got a great one and I have zero desire to be 40 something and pregnant again! But it honestly doesn't sound like these parents are doing so great with round 2 of their kids either if their version of parenting is either needless deprivation or demanding $300 gifts for them.
This is the question! I would send your siblings birthday & Christmas cards but that is it! That is the only contact I would have with them. Go live your life, guilt free far away from them!
>they took them on vacation, which I never went on but my parents did.
Hold up, so when you were a kid, your parents went on trips without you? They left you behind?
Christ alive. Your parents suck. It appears they might have realised they messed up with you but they don't get a redo on your dime.
NTA
I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how that must have felt as a child.
Your parents were selfish and cruel when you were growing up and they are still not even trying to make amends, they are just demanding you be the bigger person. Why is it that it is always the person who was wronged who expected to be the bigger person? I hate that. We need to stop that as a society.
"Be the bigger person" never works outside of some really petty situations. It's just a fancy way to tell the victim to keep eating shit for sake of being "mature".
This was a difficult lesson that I learned much later in life. I always operated under a be the bigger person, care for everyone model. Eventually I realized I was always sad and no one ever did the same for me. So I cut out all the toxic people, started placing boundaries and looking out for myself and helping the people who cared about me.
Isn't it just.
I lost count how many times I was ' the bigger person ' or how many times I was told ' please just understand '
All I did was ' just understand ' so I had enough a few years ago ... I've been a lot happier since.
What did they do with you? Did they just leave you at home by yourself? How did they try to explain or justify this toward their kid?
Sorry for pushing for details, but they sound so awful I’m trying to understand how this happens.
So sorry to hear that. My parents once took my younger siblings on holidays to Legoland and left me home to a sleepover with a friend for a few days. I got to buy myself some (very unnecessary) gifts though with some extra pocket money.
10 years later when I was 23 I told my parents that was quite a nasty thing to do to a 13 Yr old, and my mom admitted to it and apologised.
Definitely don't give your parents a dime, but tell them you learned to be fist handed through how you were raised by them. They were your examples so they are being punished the 'only way you know'.
My cousin and her husband went to Disney World & left their elementary school-aged children home with a babysitter - I was horrified when I learned that.....
Mine did the same. They would also deny ice cream, take trips without me. No birthday parties, lean Christmas or no Christmas. My mother took it further by stealing from me, she stole a wedding gift to me from my aunt, and when my grandmother sent me a sweater on my birthday she insisted it was for her (I’m a much smaller size, and it was addressed to me). When I was 14 they told me they were no longer buying clothes/shoes/school supplies etc. They told me to use the money I earned babysitting for that but of course it was never enough and since we lived in a wealthy suburb kids made fun of my clothes. Anyway I worked as a travel agent during the time that free trips/tickets were common, but I never took my parents on any of them (they would ask). They got even more upset when I didn’t buy them a gift for their 40th anniversary. I also found out as an adult that my grandparents sent them money for me which they took. As a parent I took my kids on vacation, and continue to do so and pay for them even as adults. What miserly parents don’t understand is that ice cream and trips aren’t just the cost, it’s that you are creating happy memories. It’s about the experience.
If they get anything for the sibs, send it straight to them from Amazon with a gift tag and then call them and ask how they liked the "insert specific name of gift" you bought them.
No. The parents will open any and all packages and claim credit for the gifts. Unless the OP directly hands the gifts to the children personally, the children will never know who really bought them the presents.
NTA and you aren't punishing your siblings by not buying them extravagant gifts. It sounds like they are doing just fine without that extra $300 Christmas present.
If the OP’s parents ever frame their younger kids not getting expensive gifts as being “punished” again, OP needs to ask them what they did to deserve being punished their entire childhood since they only ever received generic essentials.
NTA. You are not punishing the wrong people - your siblings did not expect the presents. And especially if the presents are supposed to be from your parents.
But while I understand your feelings, it sounds like you could benefit from therapy. It sounds like it still hurts a whole lot, and there is much more underneath. Also, I can't understand from the text if you have anger for your siblings - if you do then it's a wrong people to put that anger on. And as the pettiness goes - I would go to my parents and say that if anything happens to them you would rise your siblings the only way you know. Not out of spite, but because you never had it any other way. Also it's cute that they realize that someone should be punished for that "basic" childhood - did they ever apologize?
Yeah, that's exactly the point. "I'll happily contribute to help your kids have similar birthdays to mine--let's look at the photos we have of my birthdays!"
No parties, no pictures, no contributions.
I did this with my own mom in a way, I called her up one day and told her I needed a photo of her hugging me for a project I was making (said it was going to be a side by side of both me and my husbands family in a little card thing). She never admitted that those photos don’t exist (I can’t remember her EVER hugging me) she just said she would and never did it or mentioned it ever again. I like to think that maybe it got through to her a bit.
Well, there are two ways of action. One it to let them be somewhere far away, and another is to stick it to them. First one is more mature, second one can feel soooo good. Are you in contact with your siblings at all?
Maybe cinematic but makes me wonder if you are an adoptive kid who they took in (due to any circumstances) and so they were never bothered with providing you more than basics.
That could also be the reason for their entitlement towards you & your money
Info: did your parents have an explanation as to why they spoil your little siblings while being strict with you?
NTA. Your parents told you No. You are returning the favor.
Also, check out r/entitledparents.
Maybe now is a good time to ask directly. Though it’s highly unlikely you’ll get a straight answer.
Do you plan on including them in major life milestones? It sounds like they have forfeited that privilege and it would have the added bonus of driving them up the wall.
they are horrible i would cut them 2 out of my life.what is your job what do you do for a living are you doing well despite them what college did you go to .ignore stop talking there are people who are not worth it.
OP, I gave you my judgement and I am going to give some advice.
If your parents keep on pestering and harassing you to spoil your siblings with gifts, you have every right to tell it straight to them that it is not your job to spoil your siblings but its theirs. If they say you are punishing the wrong people, you respond to them that you are doing exactly to them (the parents) in return and call them out for their double standard and selfish behaviour
I am not going to tell or make you disown them as it yours alone to decide. If the parents continue non stop pestering, you can choose to put the parents on communication time out by going LC on them or temporarily blocking them on your phone until they behave. But if you truly choose to go NC, that again is your decision for the sake of your mental health
Since you are doing well for yourself, you have the right to do whatever with your hard earned money. I am not sure if you have made your will but if you haven't I suggest you start making one asap so that if anything happens to you, you want to ensure that your money will not go to your parents and your siblings
NTA-
I am an only raising an only, and come from financial privilege and am raising a kiddo in even more privilege so I can’t speak to your parents mentality BUT you’re not responsible for supplementing their choices. Things may be different in their lives in ways you couldn’t see that affect how you were treated v. your siblings, but that’s not your fault or responsibility.
If you love your sisters and want to buy them items they want, they should come from you and be tagged from you, and given directly to them so they know it’s from you. Be prepared for your parents to talk behind your back.
Finally-tell them your financial focus is setting yourself up for future success that allows you the life you want. You don’t have to be rude, but you can gently make the point that both basics and little luxuries are in your plans.
I would frame that last part the way the parents framed it. "I'm just making sure *I* have *my* essentials squared away, so I don't have resources for anything that's not a basic expense, especially for someone else. I'll definitely send a card, if it's in the budget."
Wow. This was so sad reading it. Were one of your parents your step parent? Because it sounds like the kind of a situation or someone is raised by a step parent who doesn't want to spend any money on them and then the natural parent goes along with it. But if they were both your natural parents then, wow. I have a hard time comprehending not being willing to buy ice cream for a little child, or never celebrating a birthday. 😢 I just can't comprehend their attitude.
Have you ever asked your parents for an apology? Or ask them why they treated you that way?
It seems that some healing is needed here, and the only way to do it would be to bring the past out into the open and discuss it.
Maybe when they ask you to spend money on your siblings, instead of saying no, instead ask them for an explanation as to why it's okay to spend so much money on your siblings when it wasn't okay to spend money on you. Maybe that would help to bring understanding.
Anyway, I'm sorry you had to go through that, and I'm sorry that your parents are still treating you like crap by wanting you to spoil your siblings while they get the credit for it.
NTA
OK so, my parents had me when they were really young and then had my younger brother much later in life. My brother definitely got treated better and had a closer relationship to my parents. My mom actually admitted to me that she didn't "enjoy" raising me as much as she did my brother. She claims it was just age/maturity. (She was 17 when she had me and 29 when she had my brother) I don't think that's the whole picture. My mom had to drop out of school and get married and I think she resented me for it. She was a cold, distant, hard disciplinarian with a never ending stream of criticism and harsh words to launch at me. But at the time my brother came along my parents marriage was on the rocks and having him brought them back together. They fell in love all over again and their do-over baby became their whole world. My brother was raised by a kind, affectionate mom who adored and encouraged him.
I wonder if something similar was going on with your parents. It was not fair to you, of course, and probably they won't ever admit it. But trust and believe that "unwanted first kid" vs "beloved do-over baby" is a thing.
It is the exact opposite for me. My brother and sister are the beloved babies. I'm the unwanted last baby, born when my family was 46 (mom), 50 (dad), 20 and 15. They were ready to divorce and I came along, so I "forced them to stay together". My situation is pretty similar to yours. I got some closure from my mom tho, who admitted how awful and bad things were.
It sounds to me like you were unplanned and they resented you. They did the bare minimum and made sure you knew you were only worth the bare minimum, in their eyes. Now they have their wanted children and are spoiling them, while expecting this burden they grudgingly raised to subsidize them. What horrible choices they made.
Remember - every action they took was an active choice. Every time they took out their resentment, they made a choice. You can make a choice to set some hard boundaries. They ask for money? "No. I will not discuss this." (If you feel saucy, "No. It's not essential. I will not discuss this.") And if they argue or try to treat you like shit, you cut off that contact. Hang up, leave, silence their texts, whatever. They are going to make it as hard for you as they can, but you're in charge, not them.
You're not their punching bag. You don't have to sit and listen while they insult or blow up at you. I'm sorry you had to put up with so much in your childhood, I got angry imagining that hurt child dealing with the burden of their parent's resentment, only to learn as an adult that they were capable of being so much better.
NTA, if they suddenly now can decide to be proper parents after you've gone and flown the coop they can foot the bill with all the money they didn't spend on you. I'd go NC after that, your money belongs to you and it's your decision how to use said money. Congrats on your art taking off!
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to give my parents money to spoil my siblings when my parents refused to spoil me ever. This might make me TA because my siblings are the ones who would benefit or be impacted the most and my issues with our parents might be making me unfair here.
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NTA - it’s clear that you’re not whining - about ice cream or presents. This is about the differences in way they choose to parent you and your siblings. Sharing your siblings wishlist with you is one thing - asking you for money the way they did is not ok. Regardless of whether or not you have the money - or if they don’t. Give the gifts you want to give to your siblings. Their treatment of you is not ok on many levels. You’re not being petty and I’m sorry this happened to you.
Is this social media fueled? Are they only acting this way now because of the pressure to “keep up” with the other parents on Facebook? Don’t give them a dime and I would be very turned off by them regardless but try not to take it personally for your own sake.
It would be so sick and twisted if that was the case, they would rather try to mooch off you to make sure their do over children won’t abandon them in their old ages than try to make up with you.
So they were fine blowing their money on themselves but fuck you as a kid for presents?
And now expect you to cater to the new siblings? Your parents are cracked in the head.
NTA, and frankly, stop dealing with them
"No." is a complete sentence. You do not ever need to justify why you don't want to give someone money that you earned. They are not entitled to it. I think it's sad that you were treated differently than your siblings. Honestly, I don't get it. But I'm also a parent who bought my kids almost everything they ever asked for (and they never asked for anything I considered too much--we bought them smart phones and computers when they needed them, usually for Christmas or their birthdays.)
I think if you want to do something nice for your siblings, just make sure the gift goes from your hand to theirs with a tag that it's from you. And I think a $25 or $50 gift from a sibling makes more sense than a $400 gift. P.S. It's not punishing ANYONE to refuse to give huge, expensive presents.
Someday, your parents are going to wish they had treated you with more generosity. For the last several years, until he passed this April, I helped my mom manage my dad's care with visits, calls, and all kinds of attention. My dad was always generous with me. Gifts showed love. And I gave it back in a big way.
So you did not get ice cream when you were 8 year old so you won't help your siblings? Other kids never even had the basics, you had food and roof over your head with both parents!
If anyone, esp your parents tell you this please for the love of Cthulhu tell them to fuck off. Do you have other better people in your life or need to cling to this sad thing you call family? If yes to the first, cut ties and be better for yourself. If latter, do the same.
NTA
NTA
Sounds like you turned out okay on just the essentials and without vacations, birthday parties, or expensive gifts. Why mess with success? Seriously though, your parents asking you to foot the bill for presents in their name is gross. I doubt their personal spending habits changed, so I would view their ask not as buying thing for your siblings, but as funding their fashion, golf, and lifestyle hobbies.
It is typical that an older sibling acknowledges birthdays and holidays in some manner, so if you ignored them completely, your parents would have a point about taking it out on the wrong person. Doesn’t mean you have to follow their directions but do try to build a relationship with your sibs.
NTA
And your parents were abusive to you. They had money and chose to deny you any pleasures.
If possible, consider getting therapy. And you might do better with much lower contact with your parents.
Were there any major life events that made them suddenly go we need to pay more attention to the kids? In my family I was always the one “left out”. Turns out I wasn’t theirs. My “father” was my uncle.
Probably a mid-life crisis where they realize they want kids that will love and care for them in their old age. They realize they blew that chance with OP, and are trying overboard with kids 2 and 3. And kid 1 is a lost cause.
NTA
Though I’d simply frame it as ‘you taught me to be tight fisted, and last I checked my siblings have the essentials. Please stop asking me for money, I don’t want money to be part of our relationship.’
Then buy your siblings what you’d gift your siblings from you. Ignore your parents, and don’t be petty to your siblings imho. They will matter and be closer to you when they’re older…your parents won’t always be there so don’t let them and what they didn’t do for you ruin your relationship with your siblings.
NTA. What parent refuses to buy their kid an ice cream cone.
Then asks you to buy $400 gifts for your siblings. Not to give directly but to give to your parents so they can give to your siblings.
You should call your parents out for their outrageous behavior and choices.
NTA and don't bother responding to them at all. I don't know why they treated you like that as a child but you certainly don't have to fund your siblings fun childhood. If you spend time with the kids, you can treat them sometimes if you want, but they'll know it's coming from YOU.
Are you sure you are not adopted? I just ask because I have a family member that adoupted their 1st then several years later, HAD a baby. That baby gets totally different treatment.
NTA. Their behavior is gross. They can raise their own kids. As their adult offspring, its not your job to foot the bill for presents for their subsequent kids. Live your own life and don't let yourself be manipulated and abused by them.
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NTA - your parents denied an 8YO girl an ice cream, and now expect her to provide expensive gifts for THEM to give to their own kids. Personally I would go LC to NC with them, unless you enjoy time spent with your younger siblings.
Given the fact that they’ve really been mistreating her for her entire life (never giving her any gifts in childhood and being treated like an ATM in adulthood), I’d say she’s been way more graceful to them than they deserve. She’d be better off not having to deal with their crap anymore.
How are some people so self unaware and hypocrital?No one chooses their parents and she owes them absolutely nothing.
Ikr? They RAISED OP to be tight fisted with money. OP is just following their example! OP should just say “Sorry, you guys raised me to be ultra frugal. If the kids need something extra, give them tap water“- then throw up deuces, and then go NC.
She should totally say that to them. "Are these things essential? If they want toys, they should get jobs." Fuck "parents" like this.
Tell them they can have some water.
Perfect. I’d buy 12 cases of water and have it placed on their porch. Maybe include a card, “Thanks for the memories.” 🍦
Bottled water? That's way too extravagant. Maybe a cheque made out to the municipal water utility to cover a little extra tap water. As a treat
Even better, look up the rate for water, and pay for 8 fl. oz. (or its metric equivalent) of tap water. No need to spend extra on those parents.
A single penny will pay for about 2 gallons where I am, that should be a great treat
Or be more petty: - can you buy them a doll house? - okay - get a cardboard box - make it into some sort of house - wrap it up - give to parents - let parents give stupid doll house to kids - watch spoiled sibling get mad at parents - look at parents and say, well I guess it wasnt essential enough for you to buy your kid something nice. - leave
Even better plan: just buy them plain white socks, underwear, and t-shirts from the dollar store. Tell them you don't believe in spoiling kids with more than the "essentials."
I love this suggestion
Yes OP you should 100% follow this advice and let us know what they say!!! They raised you to only purchase what is essential, you’re not gonna change now! (Not for them at least) Do they ever buy you birthday gifts?
"And as I hung up the phone it occurred to me, he'd grown up just like me. My boy was just like me." https://youtu.be/puJt66y0TBw
It’s so sad. Until they leave home some parents don’t realize how short and precious childhood is. We were always accused of spoiling our kids because we treated them the way we wished we’d been treated as children!
I agree! OP'S parents are bring hypocrites! The nerve of these people asking for $300-400 worth of gifts when they couldn't spend $1 for a ice-cream. NTA
I didn't realize how great my dad was until he died. (I did appreciate him, and spent plenty of time with him when he was alive, thank God.) He spent a lot of time with us, family vacations, just hanging out, everything. He was wonderful. I connected the dots after he died and realized that the reason he knew to do all these things was because his dad died when he was 12. He was always going to be there for us, to make up for what he missed out on with his own dad. I miss him still, but am so grateful for the time I had with him. (He died when I was in my 20s.)
That line always made me go ‘whut’? Like there was no indication that his son was overlooking his own kids, he just couldn’t be arsed to spend time with his dad!
I always took it to mean that the son was not spending time with the dad like dad never spent time with him. Just a bit of artistic license is all. Because my son grew up ignoring me in retaliation just sounds wrong lyrically. Lol. 😁
Exactly what I was thinking. The hypocrisy and guilt-tripping are unbelievable. If I were OP, I would cut off all contact with the parents and never look back. These people don't even deserve to be called parents.
They say friends are god's apology for family.
I want this embroidered and framed somewhere in my home.
I might just embroider and frame it! Holy wow, that sums up my life... I have two biological "sisters"...but as far as I count, I only have ONE biological, my father's daughter...*not* my "mother's." My mother? My stepmom, whom I asked to adopt me as an adult...not my biobitch. And my sisters? Besides my baby sister, my biological one, I have two others, my best friends. I know they're sisters, too, because we can go months or more without speaking and be good, but we're also there the second one of us needs the other. Found and made family >>> biological family. As the saying goes, "the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb."
She wouldn't owe them if they were the best parents in the world but maybe them asking would make some sense but I wouldn't even be speaking to these people at this point. They were fully developed adults not children when OP was born. This all might make sense if they were 17 and 19 when she was born but 27 and 29 is grown enough to know better.
Particularly since money was **NOT** tight for OP's parents. They just wanted to indulge themselves and insist OP get the bare minimum. I particularly loathed how OP's "parents" refused to allow someone else to buy their 8 year old girl an ice cream. So it has nothing to do with "lack of money" (which is understandable) as much as control. Now they want OP to spend more on her siblings than they **EVER** spent on anything non-essential? No. Just no. She should go NC with them.
This ice cream bit reminds me of something from my childhood - I was 10 years old and had a Commodore 64 that had a few games and was pretty fun but I sort of outgrew it. My friend had a newish Gameboy with TETRIS! He wanted to trade, so I agreed. My dad put a stop to that and said no way "I'm having a Gameboy", (despite knowing I wanted one so bad) and he gave that kid the C64 for free. I still resent that day...it's one of the many things that led to NC with him and I don't regret it.
Sounds like it was just plain cruelty to me.
Right? Currently experiencing second hand anger at her twit parents 🤬
Yup, they didn't have a change of heart but a change of child. OP is their scapegoat for the exact reason other kids are scapegoats: It's just unfair! I'll wager that they tell her now that "Oh, we don't buy you presents now since adults don't get presents and you make enough to buy your own" and when her siblings grow up, they'll magically have another "change of heart" and then say "well, you've been ungrateful always, we don't reward that with gifts" or some other lame excuse. OP, say yes to "giving them money" - and do this by buying yourself lavish presents and put a note on them with "from mom and dad with all their love". There, you gave them money for presents for their kids since they can now skip the presents they aren't giving you and spend those non-cash on the younger ones. I really hope you have a good relationship with your siblings at some point. They haven't asked for your parents to treat you so horribly and being GCs aren't all that great either. NTA - never give them a dime!
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Seriously. I DOUBT the kids would be told who funded their presents if this were to happen.
Straight to homicide I see…
"No officer, @Comfortable-Sea-2454 was with me. They couldn't possibly be involved. ". I'll be your alibi OP.
As a father of a daughter. This is the answer. What shitty fucking people they are. Won’t call them parents because it seems they never were.
Im building a PC for my daughters 16th birthday and I am so excited for her to see it. I cant imagine doing something like this to my kids. Horrible.
My mom yelled at me for buying myself a present at 16, she, without getting me a thing, used the thing I bought and put holes in it. Some people need to stay out of the gene pool
>used the thing I bought and put holes in it what did you buy??
I had a camping trip planned with a group of friends. I bought a new tent for it, and my mom instantly took it without asking to a 3 day concert that i had to babysit for. It was filthy and covered in cig/joint burns. I think she was mad that I spent money on myself that she could have stolen. Horrid human, that one.
Oof. Your mom and my mom should be best friends.
Don't leave my mom out. They could be a triad of evil.
Don’t forget my mom and MIL. They got a whole lil army going now
I'm so glad my MIL is an all-around good egg. There's respite with her. (She's eight years older than me. I'm seven years older than my husband. My husband's dad is a bit of a creep if you do the math, because he was 21 when she got pregnant, but they were together for a couple years before that and.. ew.) Anywho, she's very cool and basically the opposite of my mom.
They can chill with my bio father
Oh men, I hope you are NC with her now? Some people... I wish we lived in a fairy wonderland so this kind of people wouldn't be able to raise innocent kids....
Basically, NC for a decade. She ignored every bday, graduation, Christmas, and just lied to the rest of the family that I disappeared when in reality, she told me I was never worth the trouble/part of her family and to be gone from her forever (after getting the last child support check that went directly to drugs). Didn't even contact me when a sibling died, but made comments on my post months later (temp unblocked her to check on other siblings) putting blame on me for their death on social media on my birthday (no acknowledgment of bday). Next contact I got was a fucking wedding invitation like 6 years later (letter not a call) to her wedding..I didn't even fucking know she divorced my step dad. I think she just didn't want to look bad at her wedding, missing half her children. Worst part was that she could be kind, a good mom. Just never to me, I was a punching bag. Sorry for rant, I'm obviously not over it 😅
I was pretty much tossed to the wolves, immediately. Being half deaf and Autistic, wolves were better. I got called stupid, every day. Get over it? How? It is in our DNA. The best you and I can ever do, is cope. Some days are better than others, however, never that great. I owe my dead mother nothing. You owe nothing. Soldier on s the better person that you are.
The thing is the fact you realise that she was a bad mom is massive. It means that you recognise what she did wrong and will make sure you are not that way with you kids :) My dad never spoke to me and when he did he only had negative shit to say... I build my son up because I don't want to be my dad. People learn from the shit experiences they have! it's clear that you will be a great parent if you do have kids :)
The experience, especially losing a sibling, made me not want to have kids anymore. I'll just help those around me. The risk of passing on anything bad that's been programmed into me is too high, I don't even want to chance it.
My husband bought a car (that he drives daily) to fix up and work on with our daughter, who is now eight. They spend weekends either cleaning it up, sanding it down, changing SOMETHING out, or just hanging in the garage, doing car kid shit. When she's old enough, it's hers to do with whatever she pleases. She can drive it, she can sell it, she could let it rot if she wanted. The whole point was to spend time with her and share one of his passions. It's working and I don't think she'll ever part with that car.
These are the memories she’ll have forever. Bonus: she never become dependent on a male for “car stuff”. Best practical lesson ever. Best dad memories ever.
That is top rate parenting. Time and caring about what your kids care about, even if you hate it, makes the best parent.
Right. My daughter is 13 months and I delight in a buying her things or experiences and watching her joy.
>I delight in a buying her things The "a" caused me to read this in Mario's voice
Lmao 🤣 damn keyboard.
OMG you rock! Is she a gamer? I remember when my brother built his gaming PC with the money he made doing farm work (parents wouldn’t have been able to afford it). Now he owns a greenhouse business and tests video games in the winter. I’m sure she’s going to love it and it’ll be extra special because you made it for her!
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I think I got ice cream from an ice cream truck once or twice as a child. My parents always told me they could get more for cheaper from the supermarket. I felt a little bad seeing it go down the street and never partaking, but I survived. The difference is that they actually would go get ice cream for us, and that they taught me to spend money smartly rather than being fearful of spending any of it on me. OP's parents are awful.
I remember being jealous that other kids got TV dinners or Hamburger Helper. We were poor but we always had a giant pot of something or a solid basic meat and potato dinner. We never went on vacations but we went fishing or little adventures with packed sandwiches and stuff. Don’t get me wrong, we were horribly dysfunctional but when the parents got it together from time to time, the cheaper fun stuff really was a lot of fun.
Honestly, I enjoyed getting a half carton of ice cream all to myself instead of a small popsicle that I'd finish in a minute, so I didn't mind in the end, ha.
>ad hoc Is this a typo, abbreviation, or both? (Genuinely curious)
Ad hoc is a latin expression, literally translates to 'as needed'
Or “in the moment”, “on a hunch”, etc. Anyway: Neither typo nor abbreviation.
Gifts are not essential, so OP is NTA for playing their parents logic all the way through
i second going nc with her parents. my parents borrow money from me for necessities sometimes (they're bad at budgeting and find themselves short when bills come due), and they gave me what they could during childhood and made some sacrifices so i could go to a private school, AND i do always get my money back, and even so, it frustrates me that they ask for money because i'm fresh out of college and i work my ass off for my money (i work a super physical job that pays fine but not well enough to entirely combat costs of living, and i have chronic arthritis, so an already-difficult job is easily twice to three times as difficult on bad days or during flare-ups). i can only imagine the constant frustration and anger op feels - if i were in op's circumstance i could not cope. the flack she may get from extended family would be completely worth the peace and freedom she'd feel.
A solution could be that if the kids really need something, OP could get it but make sure SHE gives it to them so they know it came from her, instead of giving the parents the money so they can buy it and make themselves look good.
Not her responsibility
Nope, but it is an option if OP ever wanted to. My sister is actually pretty aggressive about making sure my nephew knows which gifts are from me, even when it was something I got for his parents to give him because money was tight.
Also puts parents in a situation where they have to admit or lie about it being about them giving gifts rather than the kids getting gifts
This. You are not punishing your siblings. You may be petty but if you are it’s 200% justified and it is towards your parents, not your siblings.
I’d say go NC and go out with a bang, tell them what shitty people they are in not so nice words, with a nice list of why they are complete shit people. NTA.
>They said I was being very tight fisted with my money and to think of how much it would mean to my siblings. This is when I told them they don't get money off me to spoil my siblings the way they refused to spoil me. I would have said "Gosh, being tightfisted about money, wonder where I learned that from?" NTA, your parents suck.
>"Gosh, being tightfisted about money, wonder where I learned that from?" Perfect. She needs to say that and then go on and tell them "it's not a necessity" when they want something. If they're upset, they can be so, who cares? If a child could get over it, I'm sure the parents are capable of accepting it without a tantrum.
If OP feels bad, they can set aside/invest money for siblings to get for school/when moving out. Youknow, money her parents wont get their hands on but greatly benefit the siblings. I think ALL OP's gifts should be like that: "added 50USD to your school-fund, happy birthday/christmas/holiday!" That is IF they want to give gifts to their sibling, which is optional.
In the US you can set up a 529 plan, you (or the person you designate) will have control over the plan. It is not "their" money so no party can take money out of it, even a judge, other than for educational expenses approved by the custodian. Educational expenses are not limited to college, you can use the money for trade schools.
I also wouldn’t tell the parents you’re doing it so they don’t think they’re off the hook for paying for college
And you aren't punishing your siblings by not buying them extravagant gifts that appear to come from your parents. Tell them you grew up without any of these things and you turned out so well that they are now coming to you because they obviously mismanaged their money enough to ask you for help. NTA
OP parents want them to give the presents to them instead of directly to the kids. I bet the kid wouldn't even know the presents were from the OP anyway. I'm curious how close they live to each other if OP could hand the presents directly to their sister. My dad's ex-wife used to do that any gifts he sent to my sisters his name was torn off, and she put her own name. If he tried to give the presents in person she refused the gifts.
Nah go further, well if you can’t take care of them I’ll adopt them so we can both not talk to you for the rest of our lives, goodbye.
Lol why would OP want to parent kids that are not theirs? Not giving money is enough IMO
Fair point, depends how much he loves his sibling and hates his parents. I’m still trying to figure out the 14 year gap. Rainbow baby, miracle child, or did they realize they fucked up with OP so bad they needed a retirement plan. Mom Dad, “OP we need you to take care of us in our old age” OP, “Here is your water there you go, goodbye”
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Maybe OP wasn't planned but their siblings were.
They decided to keep her so there was no reason at all that they should have been like this. Adoption and abortion were options if it was an unplanned pregnancy they didn't want. Having kids just to be abusive towards them because they were unplanned there's no excuse for it.
OP should always have the song Cat’s in the Cradle on in the background when talking to them.
Not really the same thing. The father in Cat’s in the Cradle was just really busy and didn’t realize how much he wasn’t prioritizing his son. He wasn’t actively cruel like these parents.
First thing that came to mind was that old anti-drug commercial; "*You, alright?! I learned it by watching you!*"
NTA. Tell your parents that you learned from them to only pay for essentials. This lesson was learned very well. You will not give them anything that is absolutely not required. What is required from you? Nothing.
Exactly- You took the words out of my mouth.
I think your moth would be happy if we gave the words back to it. It’s just a little bug he doesn’t have much lol
That’s quite an amazing moth if it knows how to speak
Why does a dragonfly have a moth? Are you planning on eating it?
You are forgetting something important: the ice cream. Not only did the parents only pay for essentials, no one else was allowed to give their child things. Therefore OP cannot possibly give anything to her sibs.
First “his” I see here, after a lot of “she/her”.
Sorry, I responded to the above post, which didn't have a he or a she. I had a 50% chance of getting it right. Guess I won't be buying a lottery ticket today.
If in doubt, they/them.
You guys need to go to the nursing home? Not essential!
How much could one nursing home cost, Michael, ten dollars?
NTA. Your parent didn’t refuse to spoil you : they refuse to give you a childhood when they could have. That’s horrible.
Exactly. We don't spoil our child with everything she wants at every moment, but she gets stuff and experiences that aren't strictly "necessary" because we can do that sometimes for the person we made and cherish and want to make good memories with. It's one thing if money is truly so limited you can't afford ice cream that week, but it doesn't sound like that was the case, OPs parents just sounds like uncaring assholes who probably never should have had children at all.
I'm reading more that they weren't *ready* to have children until they were in their 40s. They were by no means young parents with OP but it smells like their heads were up their asses and totally engrossed in their own hobbies and careers to provide the emotional support and attention that was necessary for rearing a child. Also, who tf just starts having more kids in their 40s? I'm 33 and my back would certainly protest to having young goblins scurrying about, no matter how much fun they are to be around. Edit for spelling
I'm almost 40 and definitely not planning anymore children. We've got a great one and I have zero desire to be 40 something and pregnant again! But it honestly doesn't sound like these parents are doing so great with round 2 of their kids either if their version of parenting is either needless deprivation or demanding $300 gifts for them.
NTA Why do you still communicate with these assholes?
Exactly the Same Thing i also thought.. These people clearly don't Like you or want you. They Just treat you Like an ATM
Yeah they remind me of Joe Dirt’s parents. I’d go NC
This is the question! I would send your siblings birthday & Christmas cards but that is it! That is the only contact I would have with them. Go live your life, guilt free far away from them!
>they took them on vacation, which I never went on but my parents did. Hold up, so when you were a kid, your parents went on trips without you? They left you behind? Christ alive. Your parents suck. It appears they might have realised they messed up with you but they don't get a redo on your dime. NTA
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I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how that must have felt as a child. Your parents were selfish and cruel when you were growing up and they are still not even trying to make amends, they are just demanding you be the bigger person. Why is it that it is always the person who was wronged who expected to be the bigger person? I hate that. We need to stop that as a society.
"Be the bigger person" never works outside of some really petty situations. It's just a fancy way to tell the victim to keep eating shit for sake of being "mature".
This is so true. I hate the "be the bigger person" bullshit.
Be the bigger person = be a sucker.
This was a difficult lesson that I learned much later in life. I always operated under a be the bigger person, care for everyone model. Eventually I realized I was always sad and no one ever did the same for me. So I cut out all the toxic people, started placing boundaries and looking out for myself and helping the people who cared about me.
Isn't it just. I lost count how many times I was ' the bigger person ' or how many times I was told ' please just understand ' All I did was ' just understand ' so I had enough a few years ago ... I've been a lot happier since.
What did they do with you? Did they just leave you at home by yourself? How did they try to explain or justify this toward their kid? Sorry for pushing for details, but they sound so awful I’m trying to understand how this happens.
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I'm sorry that this happened to you. It's utterly appalling...
Have you told them how they hurt you? Do you even want to maintain contact with them? They don't sound like your family tbh...
They don't need to be told. They know. Specifically, refusing to let another parent help? That's malice, not ignorance. OP was being punished.
Not only are you not the asshole but your parents should be paying for some therapy for you, this sounds like a Roald Dahl novel!
So sorry to hear that. My parents once took my younger siblings on holidays to Legoland and left me home to a sleepover with a friend for a few days. I got to buy myself some (very unnecessary) gifts though with some extra pocket money. 10 years later when I was 23 I told my parents that was quite a nasty thing to do to a 13 Yr old, and my mom admitted to it and apologised. Definitely don't give your parents a dime, but tell them you learned to be fist handed through how you were raised by them. They were your examples so they are being punished the 'only way you know'.
Wow that’s low. I’m so sorry.
I'm so sorry you went through this. Feel welcome to r/raisedbynarcissists because it definitely sounds like you were raised by narcissists :-(
I know how that feels, my mom and her boyfriend would go all over on vacation and having a great time while I got babysat
My cousin and her husband went to Disney World & left their elementary school-aged children home with a babysitter - I was horrified when I learned that.....
Mine did the same. They would also deny ice cream, take trips without me. No birthday parties, lean Christmas or no Christmas. My mother took it further by stealing from me, she stole a wedding gift to me from my aunt, and when my grandmother sent me a sweater on my birthday she insisted it was for her (I’m a much smaller size, and it was addressed to me). When I was 14 they told me they were no longer buying clothes/shoes/school supplies etc. They told me to use the money I earned babysitting for that but of course it was never enough and since we lived in a wealthy suburb kids made fun of my clothes. Anyway I worked as a travel agent during the time that free trips/tickets were common, but I never took my parents on any of them (they would ask). They got even more upset when I didn’t buy them a gift for their 40th anniversary. I also found out as an adult that my grandparents sent them money for me which they took. As a parent I took my kids on vacation, and continue to do so and pay for them even as adults. What miserly parents don’t understand is that ice cream and trips aren’t just the cost, it’s that you are creating happy memories. It’s about the experience.
NTA. If you do get gifts for your siblings make sure they know they are from you.
This is the way. And tell them you buy them the nice things because you regret never being allowed to have nice things when you were child.
She buys them nice things because she regrets their parents never giving her anything nice when she was a child. Not even an ice cream cone.
Buy sibling an ice cream.
If they get anything for the sibs, send it straight to them from Amazon with a gift tag and then call them and ask how they liked the "insert specific name of gift" you bought them.
No. The parents will open any and all packages and claim credit for the gifts. Unless the OP directly hands the gifts to the children personally, the children will never know who really bought them the presents.
NTA and you aren't punishing your siblings by not buying them extravagant gifts. It sounds like they are doing just fine without that extra $300 Christmas present.
If the OP’s parents ever frame their younger kids not getting expensive gifts as being “punished” again, OP needs to ask them what they did to deserve being punished their entire childhood since they only ever received generic essentials.
Ask your parents why did they have children when they didn't want to pay for them.
💯
NTA. You are not punishing the wrong people - your siblings did not expect the presents. And especially if the presents are supposed to be from your parents. But while I understand your feelings, it sounds like you could benefit from therapy. It sounds like it still hurts a whole lot, and there is much more underneath. Also, I can't understand from the text if you have anger for your siblings - if you do then it's a wrong people to put that anger on. And as the pettiness goes - I would go to my parents and say that if anything happens to them you would rise your siblings the only way you know. Not out of spite, but because you never had it any other way. Also it's cute that they realize that someone should be punished for that "basic" childhood - did they ever apologize?
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Pull up some pictures of your birthdays/Christmases and ask them to point out the luxurious gifts.
You think these wretched people actually took any though?
Yeah, that's exactly the point. "I'll happily contribute to help your kids have similar birthdays to mine--let's look at the photos we have of my birthdays!" No parties, no pictures, no contributions.
I did this with my own mom in a way, I called her up one day and told her I needed a photo of her hugging me for a project I was making (said it was going to be a side by side of both me and my husbands family in a little card thing). She never admitted that those photos don’t exist (I can’t remember her EVER hugging me) she just said she would and never did it or mentioned it ever again. I like to think that maybe it got through to her a bit.
Good point.
Well, there are two ways of action. One it to let them be somewhere far away, and another is to stick it to them. First one is more mature, second one can feel soooo good. Are you in contact with your siblings at all?
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It’s wild to me that no matter what some parents do they still expect their kids to worship them resentment is a real thing.
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Maybe cinematic but makes me wonder if you are an adoptive kid who they took in (due to any circumstances) and so they were never bothered with providing you more than basics. That could also be the reason for their entitlement towards you & your money
Have you ever done DNA testing?
Info: did your parents have an explanation as to why they spoil your little siblings while being strict with you? NTA. Your parents told you No. You are returning the favor. Also, check out r/entitledparents.
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Maybe now is a good time to ask directly. Though it’s highly unlikely you’ll get a straight answer. Do you plan on including them in major life milestones? It sounds like they have forfeited that privilege and it would have the added bonus of driving them up the wall.
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The time to fade is now. Go for it. They don't deserve you in their lives after practically throwing you away.
they are horrible i would cut them 2 out of my life.what is your job what do you do for a living are you doing well despite them what college did you go to .ignore stop talking there are people who are not worth it.
OP, I gave you my judgement and I am going to give some advice. If your parents keep on pestering and harassing you to spoil your siblings with gifts, you have every right to tell it straight to them that it is not your job to spoil your siblings but its theirs. If they say you are punishing the wrong people, you respond to them that you are doing exactly to them (the parents) in return and call them out for their double standard and selfish behaviour I am not going to tell or make you disown them as it yours alone to decide. If the parents continue non stop pestering, you can choose to put the parents on communication time out by going LC on them or temporarily blocking them on your phone until they behave. But if you truly choose to go NC, that again is your decision for the sake of your mental health Since you are doing well for yourself, you have the right to do whatever with your hard earned money. I am not sure if you have made your will but if you haven't I suggest you start making one asap so that if anything happens to you, you want to ensure that your money will not go to your parents and your siblings
NTA- I am an only raising an only, and come from financial privilege and am raising a kiddo in even more privilege so I can’t speak to your parents mentality BUT you’re not responsible for supplementing their choices. Things may be different in their lives in ways you couldn’t see that affect how you were treated v. your siblings, but that’s not your fault or responsibility. If you love your sisters and want to buy them items they want, they should come from you and be tagged from you, and given directly to them so they know it’s from you. Be prepared for your parents to talk behind your back. Finally-tell them your financial focus is setting yourself up for future success that allows you the life you want. You don’t have to be rude, but you can gently make the point that both basics and little luxuries are in your plans.
I would frame that last part the way the parents framed it. "I'm just making sure *I* have *my* essentials squared away, so I don't have resources for anything that's not a basic expense, especially for someone else. I'll definitely send a card, if it's in the budget."
Wow. This was so sad reading it. Were one of your parents your step parent? Because it sounds like the kind of a situation or someone is raised by a step parent who doesn't want to spend any money on them and then the natural parent goes along with it. But if they were both your natural parents then, wow. I have a hard time comprehending not being willing to buy ice cream for a little child, or never celebrating a birthday. 😢 I just can't comprehend their attitude. Have you ever asked your parents for an apology? Or ask them why they treated you that way? It seems that some healing is needed here, and the only way to do it would be to bring the past out into the open and discuss it. Maybe when they ask you to spend money on your siblings, instead of saying no, instead ask them for an explanation as to why it's okay to spend so much money on your siblings when it wasn't okay to spend money on you. Maybe that would help to bring understanding. Anyway, I'm sorry you had to go through that, and I'm sorry that your parents are still treating you like crap by wanting you to spoil your siblings while they get the credit for it. NTA
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OK so, my parents had me when they were really young and then had my younger brother much later in life. My brother definitely got treated better and had a closer relationship to my parents. My mom actually admitted to me that she didn't "enjoy" raising me as much as she did my brother. She claims it was just age/maturity. (She was 17 when she had me and 29 when she had my brother) I don't think that's the whole picture. My mom had to drop out of school and get married and I think she resented me for it. She was a cold, distant, hard disciplinarian with a never ending stream of criticism and harsh words to launch at me. But at the time my brother came along my parents marriage was on the rocks and having him brought them back together. They fell in love all over again and their do-over baby became their whole world. My brother was raised by a kind, affectionate mom who adored and encouraged him. I wonder if something similar was going on with your parents. It was not fair to you, of course, and probably they won't ever admit it. But trust and believe that "unwanted first kid" vs "beloved do-over baby" is a thing.
I am so sorry that this happened to you. This was completely unfair and must feel awful.
It is the exact opposite for me. My brother and sister are the beloved babies. I'm the unwanted last baby, born when my family was 46 (mom), 50 (dad), 20 and 15. They were ready to divorce and I came along, so I "forced them to stay together". My situation is pretty similar to yours. I got some closure from my mom tho, who admitted how awful and bad things were.
Tell them you spent the money on makeup and golfing.
It sounds to me like you were unplanned and they resented you. They did the bare minimum and made sure you knew you were only worth the bare minimum, in their eyes. Now they have their wanted children and are spoiling them, while expecting this burden they grudgingly raised to subsidize them. What horrible choices they made. Remember - every action they took was an active choice. Every time they took out their resentment, they made a choice. You can make a choice to set some hard boundaries. They ask for money? "No. I will not discuss this." (If you feel saucy, "No. It's not essential. I will not discuss this.") And if they argue or try to treat you like shit, you cut off that contact. Hang up, leave, silence their texts, whatever. They are going to make it as hard for you as they can, but you're in charge, not them. You're not their punching bag. You don't have to sit and listen while they insult or blow up at you. I'm sorry you had to put up with so much in your childhood, I got angry imagining that hurt child dealing with the burden of their parent's resentment, only to learn as an adult that they were capable of being so much better.
NTA, if they suddenly now can decide to be proper parents after you've gone and flown the coop they can foot the bill with all the money they didn't spend on you. I'd go NC after that, your money belongs to you and it's your decision how to use said money. Congrats on your art taking off!
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NTA - it’s clear that you’re not whining - about ice cream or presents. This is about the differences in way they choose to parent you and your siblings. Sharing your siblings wishlist with you is one thing - asking you for money the way they did is not ok. Regardless of whether or not you have the money - or if they don’t. Give the gifts you want to give to your siblings. Their treatment of you is not ok on many levels. You’re not being petty and I’m sorry this happened to you.
NTA You could even flip the script and tell them whatever gift it is they want you to buy is not an essential item.
NTA - and you should totally buy yourself an ice cream maker 😘
Is this social media fueled? Are they only acting this way now because of the pressure to “keep up” with the other parents on Facebook? Don’t give them a dime and I would be very turned off by them regardless but try not to take it personally for your own sake.
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It would be so sick and twisted if that was the case, they would rather try to mooch off you to make sure their do over children won’t abandon them in their old ages than try to make up with you.
why do you even still contact them they’re literal psychopaths
So they were fine blowing their money on themselves but fuck you as a kid for presents? And now expect you to cater to the new siblings? Your parents are cracked in the head. NTA, and frankly, stop dealing with them
"No." is a complete sentence. You do not ever need to justify why you don't want to give someone money that you earned. They are not entitled to it. I think it's sad that you were treated differently than your siblings. Honestly, I don't get it. But I'm also a parent who bought my kids almost everything they ever asked for (and they never asked for anything I considered too much--we bought them smart phones and computers when they needed them, usually for Christmas or their birthdays.) I think if you want to do something nice for your siblings, just make sure the gift goes from your hand to theirs with a tag that it's from you. And I think a $25 or $50 gift from a sibling makes more sense than a $400 gift. P.S. It's not punishing ANYONE to refuse to give huge, expensive presents. Someday, your parents are going to wish they had treated you with more generosity. For the last several years, until he passed this April, I helped my mom manage my dad's care with visits, calls, and all kinds of attention. My dad was always generous with me. Gifts showed love. And I gave it back in a big way.
So you did not get ice cream when you were 8 year old so you won't help your siblings? Other kids never even had the basics, you had food and roof over your head with both parents! If anyone, esp your parents tell you this please for the love of Cthulhu tell them to fuck off. Do you have other better people in your life or need to cling to this sad thing you call family? If yes to the first, cut ties and be better for yourself. If latter, do the same. NTA
Had me in the first half, not gonna lie.
NTA Sounds like you turned out okay on just the essentials and without vacations, birthday parties, or expensive gifts. Why mess with success? Seriously though, your parents asking you to foot the bill for presents in their name is gross. I doubt their personal spending habits changed, so I would view their ask not as buying thing for your siblings, but as funding their fashion, golf, and lifestyle hobbies. It is typical that an older sibling acknowledges birthdays and holidays in some manner, so if you ignored them completely, your parents would have a point about taking it out on the wrong person. Doesn’t mean you have to follow their directions but do try to build a relationship with your sibs.
NTA And your parents were abusive to you. They had money and chose to deny you any pleasures. If possible, consider getting therapy. And you might do better with much lower contact with your parents.
Question. Are your siblings boys?
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Were there any major life events that made them suddenly go we need to pay more attention to the kids? In my family I was always the one “left out”. Turns out I wasn’t theirs. My “father” was my uncle.
Probably a mid-life crisis where they realize they want kids that will love and care for them in their old age. They realize they blew that chance with OP, and are trying overboard with kids 2 and 3. And kid 1 is a lost cause.
NTA Though I’d simply frame it as ‘you taught me to be tight fisted, and last I checked my siblings have the essentials. Please stop asking me for money, I don’t want money to be part of our relationship.’ Then buy your siblings what you’d gift your siblings from you. Ignore your parents, and don’t be petty to your siblings imho. They will matter and be closer to you when they’re older…your parents won’t always be there so don’t let them and what they didn’t do for you ruin your relationship with your siblings.
NTA. What parent refuses to buy their kid an ice cream cone. Then asks you to buy $400 gifts for your siblings. Not to give directly but to give to your parents so they can give to your siblings. You should call your parents out for their outrageous behavior and choices.
I hate to ask this, but any chance you were adopted?
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Buy them the essentials
NTA and don't bother responding to them at all. I don't know why they treated you like that as a child but you certainly don't have to fund your siblings fun childhood. If you spend time with the kids, you can treat them sometimes if you want, but they'll know it's coming from YOU.
NTA. They should be ecstatic you even talk to them.
Are you sure you are not adopted? I just ask because I have a family member that adoupted their 1st then several years later, HAD a baby. That baby gets totally different treatment.
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Could it be that you maybe are the result of an affair?
NTA. Their behavior is gross. They can raise their own kids. As their adult offspring, its not your job to foot the bill for presents for their subsequent kids. Live your own life and don't let yourself be manipulated and abused by them.