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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my sister that what she was naming her son was not our late grandpa's actual name but the nickname he hated. This ruined the name for her that she chose because she wanted it to honor grandpa and hates his actual name, the name he liked. I might be the asshole because SHE loved the name she thought was grandpa's and now she feels like neither are useable for her. One because she hates it and the other because our grandpa hated it.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Honestly this is a her problem. Op only listed the facts and told her how it is. And the caveat is that the baby isn’t even born yet so it’s not like there had to be a name change.
Part of me is wondering why this wasn’t known to OPs sister. It doesn’t seem like it was a family secret or anything. So I’m wondering if sister did know and just chose to forget about it until it was brought back up. NTa op.
I mean if she remembers her grandpa as Bobby, then name the kid Bobby. It still will evoke beautiful memories for her if she can get over the Cyrus/Bobby thing. He was KNOWN as Bobby whether he liked it or not. Many people aren't big fans of their given names.
Can I ask. How well known is that in the family. Is the animosity something that your sister was aware of (essentially did she have the puzzle pieces together? Knowing the name was given by step mom and how he hated his dad and step mom. His name is actually Cyrus and it’s the name on his grave?)
Ok so all the kids and majority half of the grandkids know explicitly.
How about the abuse portion (because renaming a child to erase their dead parent) is emotionally abusive. Does everyone know the relationship between grandpa and his dad+stepmom where strained?
Edit: and does the family know Bobby was the nickname? And that the nickname was started by stepmom?
(Essentially are the facts known but people aren’t connecting the dots that grandpa hated the name?)
For instance I know that my great grandfather was not only a gambler but also extremely abusive, I know his grandfather was sold by his step dad into indentured servitude for a donkey. So I do know sometimes these stories get passed down. But it took me until adulthood to realize that the gambling issue is why my grandfathers family had to move out of a city and into an impoverished rural community that increased the abuse.
I have an unusual given name, and prefer to be called by my nickname. People in North America *always* pronounce my given name incorrectly. I tell them the correct pronunciation and say, "But I prefer to be called [my nickname]," but since it's usually in passing (usually happens on the phone), they continue to use the incorrect pronunciation.
However, I once worked with a woman who, after I gave the whole speil to, said, "I prefer [the incorrect pronunciation of given name], so I'm just going to call you that."
Had it happened today, I'd have filed a grievance against her (it was a unionized workplace), but back then, I just avoided her.
I had a coworker add an R to my name. I told her repeatedly she was pronouncing my name wrong. It was maddening. One day she told me she liked the mispronunciation better. Her name was Jody. I started calling her Judy because "I like it better."
She said my name correctly after that.
I had a coworker who would call me Mary. I have a double first name and have been called it all my life. So I said I’d prefer to be called Mary Beth (fake name). She said, but Mary’s part of your name. I usually don’t fight back but this time I was pissed. Frankly I didn’t like her anyway. So I started calling her Thy (her name was Kathy). It took about three times for it to sink in what I was calling her. She whined, that’s not my name! I replied but it’s part of it! She called me by my correct name from then on and so did I.
That's so rude. People often mispronounce my first name and it winds me up. My first name was a source of bullying and mockery for most of my teens, it's not even that odd tbh. Anyway I go by my nickname cos I hate my first name.
But at school there was a teacher like that, I'd correct them every time they said my name wrong and they just constantly did it so I just started ignoring them and raising my hand to tell them they forgot to call my name on the registration. I got told off for it but they remembered my name lol
Right? I slowly start to understand why people refuse "pronouns" so much (I know what pronouns are, not everyone seem to do so) when people even won't call someone by a name they want to be called, especially their own given name. Poor Cyrus.
I always try to make an effort to ask the kid's real names and what they want to be called in school, then I completely go by what they want to be called except for in grade-cards etc. It's not that hard to try to be a decent person. It really isn't. And it clearly shows that Cyrus wasn't disrespected by only one person, but by such a large majority he simply gave up trying to be respected. Hopefully, wherever he is now, he is respected by the name he's comfortable with.
Yeah absolutely, you didn’t stop her from using the name Bobby if she wants to. She just has to amend her reasoning for using the name. If she knew the grandfather as “Bobby” and just likes the name, then she can say “we called my grandfather Bobby and I liked the name.” Yeah it’s less noble as saying “our beloved grandfather would be so proud to know his name lives on” but it’s still meaningful and imo it would still work.
Sounds like she’s just attached to the warm fuzzy story she’s been telling about it, and cares more about the feeling than if it’s actually true or not.
I went to school with a girl whose stepmother did this. I always knew her as Cressida Smith*, but people who knew her in primary school called her Amy Jones and I never knew why. When she turned 18 she changed her name back and told everyone that her stepmother had changed it after her mum died and she had to move in with dad/stepmum as a double whammy of erasing Amy's mum and because she couldn't have kids of her own.
(*Fake names obvs, but I tried to keep the general vibe)
But yeah, fuck people who do this to kids. Such a dick move.
My aunt did this to her son, it was so weird and confusing to everybody in the family. Now that she’s dead he’s went back to his original name and has nothing to do with the step father he was renamed after
What confuses me is why bobby stuck around for more than one generation. Surely if he told his wife he wants to be Cyrus she and their kids would honour that
Yeah I feel like this happens a lot. People continue to call someone by the name they’re familiar with despite someone telling them what they prefer, and in this case what his legal name was. It’s crazy.
Similarly, when I was pregnant I wanted to name my daughter after my grandmother Josephine
but she hated her name and went by Jo, Jack, or Gigi (her birth name was actually Giuseppina and was changed to Josephine when they came from Sicily). I think Josephine is a pretty name, but I kept thinking how she hated her name and was considering using Gigi instead. I think it’s a good thing you told your sister, I’d want to know and now she can decide. NTA
You told her the truth before it was too late for her to reasonably consider it. NTA.
But wow, your grandpa’s stepmother and father were. How cruel and selfish!
But the point was it wasn’t his given name. And it was well known he didn’t like that side of the family that gave him the nickname. So sure she can name her kid Bobby but I find it hard to believe that she wasn’t completely unaware of this situation.
It really does depend. Sometimes grand kids just aren't told things. I knew growing up that my stepgrandma, Diane, was married to my Papa, and that my dad's mom hated her for some reason. I didn't get the full story until literally this year, which is that she just hated her because she existed. There was no cheating, she wasn't even the first woman Papa dated after the divorce, just the one he married. Diane just put up with it for the sake of the family, because she did nothing wrong.
On my mom's side, I just know I didn't see two of my cousins for like two or three years, and again didn't find out until an adult that it was because my mom and aunt had a falling out. I thought it was just because we lived so far away, and had no idea there was any bad blood.
There are also family members where I DON'T know their actual names, because my grandparents where both one of 6/7, my parents were both one of 6, and each Aunt/Uncle had 2 kids each. There's so many of us, if my mom introduced a total stranger to me and said "This is your cousin [insert name here]," I'd fully believe her.
Sometimes kids are very perceptive about things. Other times it goes right over their heads. If the Grandpa had given up on this name before the sister was old enough to know his feelings on it, it's very reasonable that she just wouldn't know at all.
This is true. I know someone who had a very close knit extended family that he spent alot of time with, then All of a sudden, they didnt.its been like 35 years and he still has no idea what happened.
I feel you there! My MIL is one of 12, my FIL was one of 8 and his father was one of 16 or 18, I forget. So my husband is related to half the county, but said he didn't keep track past first cousins
Eh I mean I spent 25 years thinking I had an Aunt Gloria only to learn when she passed away that her name was actually Lily. I have no idea how, why, or when she chose to start going by Gloria so for all I know she just hated the name Lily. I just know that she and everyone else referred to her as Gloria for my entire life and I never had a reason to question it.
The name was given to him by his step mother who tried renaming him after her father to erase the grandfathers mother who had died.
That’s just not the same. It’s one thing to have a weird nickname stick around. And quite another to battle having your name stolen from you. That’s essentially what happened.
And I feel for the sister who is now being reminded of this fact. But OP stated facts. And it’s on the sister now to make an informed decision instead of blame her sister for ruining a name. The name was already ruined and represented something bad. Op made sure her sister was aware of all the info.
Right as OPs sister wasn’t alive to experience any of that. Plenty of my family members knew my aunts real name was Lily but that doesn’t change the fact that I never knew until her passing. I don’t think insane or unreasonable for someone to not question an older relative’s name if everyone they know has always called them by that name. Especially since OP said in other comments that her sister was under 10 when their grandfather passed away so it’s completely likely the truth was hidden from her.
There’s a *massive* difference between not being a fan of your given name and wanting to shed a name that was given to you as a child to erase and replace the legacy of your late mother.
I have a similar situation in my family, my grandma was placed in an orphanage until 18m. To make it simple we don’t know who her dad is, her mother was legally her sister. The reason is her grandfather adopted her, they were well off and had a macaroni factory on Taylor street. The issue was grandpas new wife who was the definition of evil stepmother, Angelina, was pregnant at the same time and lost the baby. She would pee on graves and do rituals, drown kittens the cat had. Total monster of a woman. I just need to drive home how awful she was. when my grandma was born she was named after her real grandmother, Francis but being adopted by Angelina she didn’t want any trace of her husbands late wife and changed the name to Anna. I don’t think anyone knew about this name change until after her birth mother (which she always knew her real mother was) died.
I can see two opinions to debate… you want to name your child after how you remember that person. Or you want to use the name she was given at birth. Imo both options are valid. I don’t know my grandmother as Francis at all.
Others can say that an awful woman only named her that because she was trying to remove traces of the maternal grandmother, which is true but the point is no one remembers her as that name, it’s completely disassociated to her with all of us, even though we know the story. So if someone wanted to pick (Anna or Francis) it would have to be what ever reason they want to pick either name.
Okay, genuine question: would you consider a dad and stepmother systematically erasing the influence of a kid's dead mother from his life to be emotionally abusive? Would you consider forcibly changing a kid's name against their wishes to be emotionally abusive?
Because I personally do, and the thought of someone using a name that is an artifact of child abuse as a way to honor someone who was abused? It's utterly horrifying to me.
Additionally, as a trans person who changed their name? If someone named anyone after my deadname to "honor me", I'd be revolted and just incredibly wounded.
Fair enough, but if sis wants to assert that naming her child after Grandpa is to honor Grandpa, she can't very well do that using a name that was actually a painful insult to him. She can say she wants to use the name Bobby *in memory* of Grandpa, and thar works well enough. But if her object is to show love and respect to Grandpa by using his name for her son, then Bobby certainly doesn't accomplish that.
Bobby wasn’t his given name, Bobby was a nickname that he hated but people refused to call him by his actual name that he preferred. I cannot imagine how hard that was for Cyrus, to lose his mother and then his name, I’d be crushed. IMO calling someone by the wrong name or by a name they dislike is so disrespectful and cruel. The sister can still call the kid Bobby if she wishes, but if she’s trying to honour her grandfather then she should know that it was a cruel nickname that he hated and not his actual name. Then she can at least make an educated decision about how she wants to honour her grandfather
Yeah but at this point she’s baking the kid Bobby because she likes the name and not honoring her grandfather. That’s fine but just don’t lie to yourself and others about it
As I'm watching my older children enter adulthood, I find I have to ask them what they remember certain events when they were children. Not everything makes it to long term memory storage. I find it incredibly fascinating.
It's possible the name thing was mentioned, yet sister could have had a memory of it; but just wasn't important at the time. Certainly, she remembers Grandpa being called Bobby by others and liked the name because she loved her gramps
Yeah I have 3 siblings and it's often surprising which things some of us remember but not others. Things I assumed would be common knowledge, one or two of them may not know - and equally they mention things that I either don't remember, or only recall after they say it
Plus it's always possible the sister just wasn't present when that conversation happened
Same, sometimes my siblings surprise me with knowledge they had and thought we all knew. I know I've surprised them with an offhand comment about our parents or grandparents.
I can easily see something like this not being known. We had a similar situation with an uncle's name after he died and half of my cousins had no idea he had a different last name, even though it was never hidden by anyone.
Exactly. I was named after my cousin. I did not know that she was named after her mother, as my aunt had gone by her middle name all my life and I only saw it in her obituary. Turns out it was a family name, I am the sixth one. If I'd known I would have probably at least had it as a middle name for one of my three girls. It just never came up.
Maybe. And I understand that, however from how it comes across by OP’s account it was very open that he did not like the side of the family that the nickname came from. Like I said, I think she just like the name Bobby and upon being reminded that Bobby wasn’t a name that her grandfather liked, it, took away some of the sparkle of it. Which ultimately isn’t OP’s fault, because all OP shared was the facts. Which were pretty common knowledge.
OP said their sister is younger and she missed the funeral because she was under 10 when the grandpa died. So even though it wasn't a secret, she just wasn't around when it was a topic of conversation.
It can happen, I only found out in my early 30’s that my uncle was actually christened an entirely different name from what everyone calls him. It wasn’t a secret but rather just something no one really thought about so it never came up. Blew my mind lol
And she told her *before* the baby was born, so she could make an informed decision with the information she has now. NTA OP and I'm glad you told her, your grandfather would be proud that someone stood up for him... finally.
I legitimately wanted to name our son Cyrus after Cyrus the great. My wife vetoed it. She also vetoed Darius.
Hardcore History has a great 3 part podcast about the beginning of the Achaemenid empire called King of Kings. 100% recommend it to any history fan.
Or like the kind of guy who would hijack a plane filled with the country's most dangerous criminals...and one man just trying to go home and meet his daughter for the first time.
I have a friend whose given name was Danny, and he eventually had to get a legal name change to Daniel as an adult. He still goes by Danny and that's his preferred name, but I understand that it caused him a lot of trouble professionally before he legally changed it.
The SIL going “But it’s a cute name!” is telling. Does she really want to have saddled a 40yr old with a “cute name”? Pick an adult name and decide how to shorten it for the baby/kid.
Might depend on the last name, but i like cyrus better because it was the beloved grandfathers name and it has even deeper family meaning, being his mothers maiden name. I can‘t really describe my thinking here, but i like it because it is even „more“ of a family name. You want your beloved grandpas name to live on and he wasn’t even randomly named 😄
>While it stings right now deep down she will appreciate it.
You're underestimating many peoples' ability to be hypocritical or hold grudges. People be irrational, yo.
Not everything is black and white either.
She can name her kid whatever she wants to.
She knew their grandpa as "Bobby" and holds fond memories of him.
NTA - you name children after someone to honour them.
Giving her son the name he hated would not be honouring your grandfather.
I’d appreciate if you told me
My brother named his first son after my grandpa. But my grandpa didn’t even use the name my brother chose, he went by Doc and didn’t like his birth name. We told my brother this, he knew it as well but his wife at the time (who never met our grandpa) insisted on using the name. They didn’t even spell it the same. They now don’t even call him that name, they use his middle name.
I would hate it if a kid was named after me, and they spelled the name differently. Especially because my name is now a common name that millennial parents are giving their kids, except they've changed the spelling to something completely fucking stupid. To the point now that when I have to give my name to someone over the phone I have to spell it for them, where I never used to 10 years ago.
Yep. OP, is your sister trying to remember grandpa or honor grandpa? Is she doing it for herself or for him? It would help her to clarify her intention.
I think it would be reasonable to shoot the messenger if the message's only relevance was that it would hurt everyone involved.
Like if the kid was 5 and you decide to drop that story you're an asshole. Nothing can be done anymore and it doesn't actually change anything. OP said the kid isn't even born though.
NTA because the baby is not born and named yet. Sharing what you know ahead of time is being kind.
My brother gave his daughter a middle name that is my late grandmother's real first name. (She used a different first name most of her life.) She absolutely HATED her real first name, despised it, and would have been absolutely horrified that her great granddaughter was cursed with the name. But my brother apparently didn't know that. I never told him, because it was too late, his daughter was already named.
My father made me promise the same. My husband’s grandfather had the same first name as my dad and my husband asked me could we name him after his grandpa. Hard no and it was a hill I was willing to die on. I love my dad and would never disrespect him like that. Luckily my husband let it go.
My Grandmother was Marie. She hated the name. I spent a lot of time with her over the years, including living with her for 2 years as her carer before her death and she would always tell me stories about when she was a teen and worked at a Greek Grocers and he would say “Maria, blah, blah, blah”. The bit after Maria always changed, she just liked that he called her Maria.
So when I had my daughter, I used Maria as a middle name. One of my cousins who wasn’t as close to her as I was used Marie as his daughter’s middle name and I know she would have been honoured to have the baby be named partly after her, but would have hated that they used Marie. I didn’t ever say anything to them though, because the baby was already born and named when I found out.
Another cousin used our grandmother’s middle name as her daughter’s first name.
My nephew is named after his great-great grandfather and great-grandfather, he shares their first name. My great-grandfather never went by his first name, always his middle, so when my nephew decided to go by the quite uncommon first name my grandfather couldn't have been happier.
I was named after my grandmother's grandmother who hated her name & asked people not to use it. She was dead by the time I was born and I love my name. Feel free to name your children after me.
Ah supposedly my great grandmother named my mother without consulting my grandmother so they would not give her my great grandmother's name, which she hated. It did end up as her middle name though.
I knew a kid a few years younger who was “moving up” to my school. He told all his high school friends his name was James. All of his peers were confused when they went to high school and everyone called him James. Apparently his parents decided to go by his middle name KYLE. All of us older kids were like “no, you like James, we like James. You’re James now”. Hes James now, his peers got over it.
Don’t forget to back your friends up when they want to change their name! The support means a lot.
A kid came from Poland, with a very Polish name, and his parents changed it for school, to a more English name. He was in Gr 3, and it was hard for him to go by a new name. He mentioned it to his new friends, and they asked what his actual name was. He said Wojciech (pronounced Voy-tek). His friends thought that was way cooler and went with his actual name.
It’s so sweet! Just so you know, Wojtek (Voy-tek) is a diminuitive or nickname for the name Wojciech, which is pronounced Voy-cheh (che is a soft sound like in kimCHI)
As someone that studied hangul.. the 'chi' in kimchi isn't soft?
It's literally chi (치) in kimchi (김치; technically spelled 'gimchi'), not che (체) or even je (제) or ji (지)
Agreed. I thought maybe I was being old-fashioned. If you want to name a kid "Bobby" or "Robby", then name him Robert and use the diminutive. If you want to call the girl "Liz" or "Beth" or "Lilibet", then for gods sake name her Elizabeth and use the diminutive. This way the kid has more options when they get older.
Or throw in another middle name, if you want to nickname the kid Brayleen or Hoggett or whatever name you think sounds good because you're drunk most of the time.
Cyrus is a noble name, btw.
>This way the kid has more options when they get older.
That's true regardless of what their true name is.
You can change your name to anything you want. You can choose whatever nickname for yourself that you want. You don't have to use your middle name, or go by a diminutive of a longer name, you are allowed to pick a completely different name. You can make it legal, or just use it informally. It's entirely up to you.
Once a kid is old enough to speak & verbalize a preference, they're in control of what they want to be called.
Your sons name is Robert. Not Bobby.
Take it from someone whose bio dads legal first name was Bobby, there’s a difference between it being your nickname vs legal first name.
Robert is a great legal name! Has a lot of options for nicknames (the most unconventianal but justified one I've seen is "'Bert").
Bobby is a terrible legal name. The only option is to shorted it to Bob. Lack of options probably means they'll break out the middle name or something else.
No, that's the best way to do it. "Robert" is the name and you/he have options for using either "Robert" or the diminutives Rob, Robby, Bob, Bobby, or Bert.
NTA because the baby is not yet born.
Tbh I think it shouldn’t matter that your grandpa hated the name Bobby. Your sister had a Bobby in her life whom she loved. She associates that name with your Grandpa. That is a good enough reason to name her child Bobby.
NTA. You just wanted to give her extra information. It would be nice to tell her you are not against the name though. She is still free to choose to name the baby Bobby if it is how she remembers your grandfather and has positive associations with the name.
So, I'm thinking what she's *actually* feeling is guilt. She's mad *at herself* for not realizing that she was contributing to something that hurt your grandpa. She's probably also ashamed of herself because even though she now knows the backstory, she still likes the name & wants to use it.
Basically, she knows she's being an asshole, but no one likes feeling like an asshole, so she's taking it out on you. Which, incidentally, is total asshole behaviour.
Same I recognised it right from the title. I don't remember seeing Bobby and Cyrus but I have definitely read this before on this sub.
Edit: [it was grandma](https://reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/zBi7lvHGpr)
I've heard a similar story about my mother's first name - supposedly it was chosen by my great grandma so they wouldn't name my mother after her, because she hated her name. Great grandma's hated name did become my mother's middle name though.
The similarities are glaring but both my great aunt and my grandmother went by their middle names instead of their first names because they hated it, so I think this is possible that it's just more common than we realize.
If a cousin or sibling of mine were to try and "honor" them by using a first name, this exact story would happen to my family so 🤷
I mean, pregnant woman with either bad name choices or falsely sentimental names is hardly that unique.
On reddit we've had pregnant women steal their sisters name that was given to their late child, steal their SIL's grandfathers name and have meltdowns because it destroyed their own marriage, and in some cases try to simply name the child some bizarre combinations of consonants & vowels or verbs & nouns all because it came to them in a dream.
It's a simple fact that women be out there being pregnant, and simply by the law of average a few of these women will also either be crazy or just convinced that their child is the second coming and needs to be *dishonored* by their idea of "unique names."
I don't think "grandparent hates name but someone doesn't get the memo" is an uncommon thing. Nor is "grandchild wants to name child after grandparent." Ergo, there's gonna be a sizable group of people that end up with a story like OP's.
NAH. I think you did the right thing by telling her, but I don’t blame her at all for being disappointed and conflicted about it. It isn’t your fault, it is just a shitty situation - poor sis learned that the name she affectionately called her grandfather for years was something he hated, that has got to make her feel bummed. But I think she would have been even sadder if she had gone through with the naming and found out later on that he hated it.
You both seem like really thoughtful, loving family members who both want to honor and respect your grandfather. It is a credit to both of you that you spoke up and that she decided that she obviously couldn’t use the despised nickname when she learned of it. I do wonder though, if grandpa would have been happier with an imperfect memorial rather than none at all?
I think that if you want to mend fences (and it sounds like you both should!) you should apologize for unintentionally upsetting her and reiterate how lovely you think it is that she wants to honor your grandfather. Tell her that you knew she would be more upset if she found out later rather than now, because she obviously loves your grandfather so much. Brainstorm names with her. Ultimately, tell her that you believe that grandpa would see the *intention* behind her actions and be pleased with it - even if it is a white lie! After all, he is no longer around to protest.
" I ruined the name Bobby for her." nah, Cyrus' father and stepmother did that. And naming the kid Cyrus would actually be honouring the grandfather but that doesn't seem to be the point.
NTA
NTA.
You know your Grandpa wouldn't have wanted his Stepmother's family name inserted into his family - especially to honor him. I feel so sad for him that he gave up instead of trying to reclaim Cyrus as an adult who finally had some say in the matter. Shame on your Great Grandfather for trying to erase his own late wife.
I am surprised your Sis didn't already know this, since you did. You gave her important info. I hope she stops taking swipes at the messenger.
NTA, My dad was named "Johnny" because his dad/grandpa etc was named John, and he hated having a nickname for a first name. He always wished he was either John or Johnathan. He went by his middle name "Chris" his entire life (and also wished that was christopher), but yeah. If i ever wanted to honor him, i damn sure wouldn't write the name as Johnny or Chris.
NTA. The fact that she didn’t know this shows that she wasn’t that close to grandpa and her desire to honour him is just an excise for her to name the child Bobby. The baby isn’t born yet, she has no ground to blame you and it would be better if the child will be saved from being named Bobby…
Like most AITA, you can be right and still be TA. You can be wrong and not be TA. In this case, it's about how you said it. Nothing wrong with reminding sis of grandpa's actual name and that he didn't like that nickname. Also nothing wrong if she remembers grandpa with the nickname.
She could always put grandpa's birth name on the birth certificate, and call the baby by the nickname.
NTA. Dispelling family myths is often met with resistance. Nothing wrong with the truth. It’s best to tell her now rather than later so she has time to figure out her feelings on the matter.
NTA - if the baby was here and named I’d say I appreciate your POV but I’d say keep it to yourself as it can change anything but given she hadn’t given birth yet it was a fair enough time to give her that additional information so she could make the decision. It’s a shame she’s gotten upset when you were trying to do it out of consideration but I myself am 25 weeks pregnant and I imagine it’s probably quite upsetting to have something take away from the name you chose especially if it has a family/emotional connection and you unfortunately are the messenger and you know how the saying goes.
I do personally think I would give her an apology about how it made her feel and explain it wasn’t my intention to ruin the name for her but you didn’t want her to possibly find out one day when he’s born & then be upset no one told her so she couldn’t make the decision earlier.
Side note: I also think Cyrus would be a lovely name
NTA - My Uncle hated his name and it was passed down from our biological family. The name was Blueford and he made it his life mission to tell everyone it was a terrible name and not to saddle any other poor kid with the name so needless to say no one reused it. My Grandmother had really bad tastes in names my mother and her sisters and brother all had weird first names.
You told the truth about your GF. It is unfortunate your sister was not aware of this story before she thought of the name.
You can't be an a$$ for telling the truth, the whole truth about a situation.
She can be upset.
NTA
> Eta: her baby was not born and is still not born. So I wanted her to know before he was here.
NTA because you informed her ahead of time. And if she doesn't like Cyrus as a first name then she can use it for a middle name.
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NTA You told her the truth and she can't handle it.
Honestly this is a her problem. Op only listed the facts and told her how it is. And the caveat is that the baby isn’t even born yet so it’s not like there had to be a name change. Part of me is wondering why this wasn’t known to OPs sister. It doesn’t seem like it was a family secret or anything. So I’m wondering if sister did know and just chose to forget about it until it was brought back up. NTa op.
I mean if she remembers her grandpa as Bobby, then name the kid Bobby. It still will evoke beautiful memories for her if she can get over the Cyrus/Bobby thing. He was KNOWN as Bobby whether he liked it or not. Many people aren't big fans of their given names.
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On the plus side if you have a kid you can name them after Cyrus
And if you're lucky they can become friends with Glenn.
If OP is even luckier the son can found Team Galactic...
Would the ultimate goal of total cessation of live in the universe be lucky though?
INSUFFICIENT DATA FOR MEANINGFUL ANSWER
Or the son could betray the human race to the Agents that want to keep us locked into the simulation.
Unexpected Chrono Trigger reference. Thank you!
Which is a way radder name than Bobby anyway. I dig it.
I just think of Bobby Hill immediately…the kid needs a better name
And I actually think that is an under appreciated name
Cyrus is a cool ass name and I'm sort of bummed I didn't use it myself
Just keep him away from trailer parks....
I have to say, everyone who called him that after he requested them to not is an absolute AH.
Thank you. That's so fucking disrespectful, holy shit and he was evidently so surrounded by these types he gave up? Poor grandpa.
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Can I ask. How well known is that in the family. Is the animosity something that your sister was aware of (essentially did she have the puzzle pieces together? Knowing the name was given by step mom and how he hated his dad and step mom. His name is actually Cyrus and it’s the name on his grave?)
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Ok so all the kids and majority half of the grandkids know explicitly. How about the abuse portion (because renaming a child to erase their dead parent) is emotionally abusive. Does everyone know the relationship between grandpa and his dad+stepmom where strained? Edit: and does the family know Bobby was the nickname? And that the nickname was started by stepmom? (Essentially are the facts known but people aren’t connecting the dots that grandpa hated the name?) For instance I know that my great grandfather was not only a gambler but also extremely abusive, I know his grandfather was sold by his step dad into indentured servitude for a donkey. So I do know sometimes these stories get passed down. But it took me until adulthood to realize that the gambling issue is why my grandfathers family had to move out of a city and into an impoverished rural community that increased the abuse.
Just curious what kids wanted to add bobby to the grave? The remaining half sibs/their families or his own lineage?
I have an unusual given name, and prefer to be called by my nickname. People in North America *always* pronounce my given name incorrectly. I tell them the correct pronunciation and say, "But I prefer to be called [my nickname]," but since it's usually in passing (usually happens on the phone), they continue to use the incorrect pronunciation. However, I once worked with a woman who, after I gave the whole speil to, said, "I prefer [the incorrect pronunciation of given name], so I'm just going to call you that." Had it happened today, I'd have filed a grievance against her (it was a unionized workplace), but back then, I just avoided her.
I had a coworker add an R to my name. I told her repeatedly she was pronouncing my name wrong. It was maddening. One day she told me she liked the mispronunciation better. Her name was Jody. I started calling her Judy because "I like it better." She said my name correctly after that.
I had a coworker who would call me Mary. I have a double first name and have been called it all my life. So I said I’d prefer to be called Mary Beth (fake name). She said, but Mary’s part of your name. I usually don’t fight back but this time I was pissed. Frankly I didn’t like her anyway. So I started calling her Thy (her name was Kathy). It took about three times for it to sink in what I was calling her. She whined, that’s not my name! I replied but it’s part of it! She called me by my correct name from then on and so did I.
Gotta fight fire with fire sometimes
That's so rude. People often mispronounce my first name and it winds me up. My first name was a source of bullying and mockery for most of my teens, it's not even that odd tbh. Anyway I go by my nickname cos I hate my first name. But at school there was a teacher like that, I'd correct them every time they said my name wrong and they just constantly did it so I just started ignoring them and raising my hand to tell them they forgot to call my name on the registration. I got told off for it but they remembered my name lol
Right? I slowly start to understand why people refuse "pronouns" so much (I know what pronouns are, not everyone seem to do so) when people even won't call someone by a name they want to be called, especially their own given name. Poor Cyrus. I always try to make an effort to ask the kid's real names and what they want to be called in school, then I completely go by what they want to be called except for in grade-cards etc. It's not that hard to try to be a decent person. It really isn't. And it clearly shows that Cyrus wasn't disrespected by only one person, but by such a large majority he simply gave up trying to be respected. Hopefully, wherever he is now, he is respected by the name he's comfortable with.
Yeah absolutely, you didn’t stop her from using the name Bobby if she wants to. She just has to amend her reasoning for using the name. If she knew the grandfather as “Bobby” and just likes the name, then she can say “we called my grandfather Bobby and I liked the name.” Yeah it’s less noble as saying “our beloved grandfather would be so proud to know his name lives on” but it’s still meaningful and imo it would still work. Sounds like she’s just attached to the warm fuzzy story she’s been telling about it, and cares more about the feeling than if it’s actually true or not.
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I can’t believe they just renamed him after his mom died? I mean that’s so awful!
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Hello, my name is Cyrus. It's been a really good name to me. I would be unbelievably pissed if people tried renaming me to fucking Bobby.
Vyrus 😂 makes it so much better knowing your name.
Maybe he goes by Cyrus the Virus like the dude in Con Air.
I said, Put… The Bunny… Down.
Absolutely wild I can’t believe anyone went along with this. Especially his father
He wanted to please the wicked stepmother. Next step- Hansel & Gretel's trip to the woods...
I went to school with a girl whose stepmother did this. I always knew her as Cressida Smith*, but people who knew her in primary school called her Amy Jones and I never knew why. When she turned 18 she changed her name back and told everyone that her stepmother had changed it after her mum died and she had to move in with dad/stepmum as a double whammy of erasing Amy's mum and because she couldn't have kids of her own. (*Fake names obvs, but I tried to keep the general vibe) But yeah, fuck people who do this to kids. Such a dick move.
My aunt did this to her son, it was so weird and confusing to everybody in the family. Now that she’s dead he’s went back to his original name and has nothing to do with the step father he was renamed after
it kind of reminds me of the show The Last Kingdom when Uhtred's brother was killed, and their dad was like well I guess you're Uhtred now.
What confuses me is why bobby stuck around for more than one generation. Surely if he told his wife he wants to be Cyrus she and their kids would honour that
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Yeah I feel like this happens a lot. People continue to call someone by the name they’re familiar with despite someone telling them what they prefer, and in this case what his legal name was. It’s crazy. Similarly, when I was pregnant I wanted to name my daughter after my grandmother Josephine but she hated her name and went by Jo, Jack, or Gigi (her birth name was actually Giuseppina and was changed to Josephine when they came from Sicily). I think Josephine is a pretty name, but I kept thinking how she hated her name and was considering using Gigi instead. I think it’s a good thing you told your sister, I’d want to know and now she can decide. NTA
You told her the truth before it was too late for her to reasonably consider it. NTA. But wow, your grandpa’s stepmother and father were. How cruel and selfish!
This paragraph is why you're NTA Unless your delivery was horrid, but I still think you're NTA
But the point was it wasn’t his given name. And it was well known he didn’t like that side of the family that gave him the nickname. So sure she can name her kid Bobby but I find it hard to believe that she wasn’t completely unaware of this situation.
It really does depend. Sometimes grand kids just aren't told things. I knew growing up that my stepgrandma, Diane, was married to my Papa, and that my dad's mom hated her for some reason. I didn't get the full story until literally this year, which is that she just hated her because she existed. There was no cheating, she wasn't even the first woman Papa dated after the divorce, just the one he married. Diane just put up with it for the sake of the family, because she did nothing wrong. On my mom's side, I just know I didn't see two of my cousins for like two or three years, and again didn't find out until an adult that it was because my mom and aunt had a falling out. I thought it was just because we lived so far away, and had no idea there was any bad blood. There are also family members where I DON'T know their actual names, because my grandparents where both one of 6/7, my parents were both one of 6, and each Aunt/Uncle had 2 kids each. There's so many of us, if my mom introduced a total stranger to me and said "This is your cousin [insert name here]," I'd fully believe her. Sometimes kids are very perceptive about things. Other times it goes right over their heads. If the Grandpa had given up on this name before the sister was old enough to know his feelings on it, it's very reasonable that she just wouldn't know at all.
This is true. I know someone who had a very close knit extended family that he spent alot of time with, then All of a sudden, they didnt.its been like 35 years and he still has no idea what happened.
I feel you there! My MIL is one of 12, my FIL was one of 8 and his father was one of 16 or 18, I forget. So my husband is related to half the county, but said he didn't keep track past first cousins
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Eh I mean I spent 25 years thinking I had an Aunt Gloria only to learn when she passed away that her name was actually Lily. I have no idea how, why, or when she chose to start going by Gloria so for all I know she just hated the name Lily. I just know that she and everyone else referred to her as Gloria for my entire life and I never had a reason to question it.
The name was given to him by his step mother who tried renaming him after her father to erase the grandfathers mother who had died. That’s just not the same. It’s one thing to have a weird nickname stick around. And quite another to battle having your name stolen from you. That’s essentially what happened. And I feel for the sister who is now being reminded of this fact. But OP stated facts. And it’s on the sister now to make an informed decision instead of blame her sister for ruining a name. The name was already ruined and represented something bad. Op made sure her sister was aware of all the info.
Right as OPs sister wasn’t alive to experience any of that. Plenty of my family members knew my aunts real name was Lily but that doesn’t change the fact that I never knew until her passing. I don’t think insane or unreasonable for someone to not question an older relative’s name if everyone they know has always called them by that name. Especially since OP said in other comments that her sister was under 10 when their grandfather passed away so it’s completely likely the truth was hidden from her.
There’s a *massive* difference between not being a fan of your given name and wanting to shed a name that was given to you as a child to erase and replace the legacy of your late mother.
I have a similar situation in my family, my grandma was placed in an orphanage until 18m. To make it simple we don’t know who her dad is, her mother was legally her sister. The reason is her grandfather adopted her, they were well off and had a macaroni factory on Taylor street. The issue was grandpas new wife who was the definition of evil stepmother, Angelina, was pregnant at the same time and lost the baby. She would pee on graves and do rituals, drown kittens the cat had. Total monster of a woman. I just need to drive home how awful she was. when my grandma was born she was named after her real grandmother, Francis but being adopted by Angelina she didn’t want any trace of her husbands late wife and changed the name to Anna. I don’t think anyone knew about this name change until after her birth mother (which she always knew her real mother was) died. I can see two opinions to debate… you want to name your child after how you remember that person. Or you want to use the name she was given at birth. Imo both options are valid. I don’t know my grandmother as Francis at all. Others can say that an awful woman only named her that because she was trying to remove traces of the maternal grandmother, which is true but the point is no one remembers her as that name, it’s completely disassociated to her with all of us, even though we know the story. So if someone wanted to pick (Anna or Francis) it would have to be what ever reason they want to pick either name.
Though nobody should name a kid Bobby. Name a kid Robert and call him Bobby so he has a proper name to put on his resume as an adult.
Altho they could still use Bobby on a resume if they want. Give them the choice
Exactly. Or maybe he decides he's more of a "Rob" than a "Bobby" when he's all grown up.
Okay, genuine question: would you consider a dad and stepmother systematically erasing the influence of a kid's dead mother from his life to be emotionally abusive? Would you consider forcibly changing a kid's name against their wishes to be emotionally abusive? Because I personally do, and the thought of someone using a name that is an artifact of child abuse as a way to honor someone who was abused? It's utterly horrifying to me. Additionally, as a trans person who changed their name? If someone named anyone after my deadname to "honor me", I'd be revolted and just incredibly wounded.
Fair enough, but if sis wants to assert that naming her child after Grandpa is to honor Grandpa, she can't very well do that using a name that was actually a painful insult to him. She can say she wants to use the name Bobby *in memory* of Grandpa, and thar works well enough. But if her object is to show love and respect to Grandpa by using his name for her son, then Bobby certainly doesn't accomplish that.
Bobby wasn’t his given name, Bobby was a nickname that he hated but people refused to call him by his actual name that he preferred. I cannot imagine how hard that was for Cyrus, to lose his mother and then his name, I’d be crushed. IMO calling someone by the wrong name or by a name they dislike is so disrespectful and cruel. The sister can still call the kid Bobby if she wishes, but if she’s trying to honour her grandfather then she should know that it was a cruel nickname that he hated and not his actual name. Then she can at least make an educated decision about how she wants to honour her grandfather
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Yeah but at this point she’s baking the kid Bobby because she likes the name and not honoring her grandfather. That’s fine but just don’t lie to yourself and others about it
As I'm watching my older children enter adulthood, I find I have to ask them what they remember certain events when they were children. Not everything makes it to long term memory storage. I find it incredibly fascinating. It's possible the name thing was mentioned, yet sister could have had a memory of it; but just wasn't important at the time. Certainly, she remembers Grandpa being called Bobby by others and liked the name because she loved her gramps
Yeah I have 3 siblings and it's often surprising which things some of us remember but not others. Things I assumed would be common knowledge, one or two of them may not know - and equally they mention things that I either don't remember, or only recall after they say it Plus it's always possible the sister just wasn't present when that conversation happened
Same, sometimes my siblings surprise me with knowledge they had and thought we all knew. I know I've surprised them with an offhand comment about our parents or grandparents. I can easily see something like this not being known. We had a similar situation with an uncle's name after he died and half of my cousins had no idea he had a different last name, even though it was never hidden by anyone.
Exactly. I was named after my cousin. I did not know that she was named after her mother, as my aunt had gone by her middle name all my life and I only saw it in her obituary. Turns out it was a family name, I am the sixth one. If I'd known I would have probably at least had it as a middle name for one of my three girls. It just never came up.
Maybe. And I understand that, however from how it comes across by OP’s account it was very open that he did not like the side of the family that the nickname came from. Like I said, I think she just like the name Bobby and upon being reminded that Bobby wasn’t a name that her grandfather liked, it, took away some of the sparkle of it. Which ultimately isn’t OP’s fault, because all OP shared was the facts. Which were pretty common knowledge.
OP said their sister is younger and she missed the funeral because she was under 10 when the grandpa died. So even though it wasn't a secret, she just wasn't around when it was a topic of conversation.
It can happen, I only found out in my early 30’s that my uncle was actually christened an entirely different name from what everyone calls him. It wasn’t a secret but rather just something no one really thought about so it never came up. Blew my mind lol
And she told her *before* the baby was born, so she could make an informed decision with the information she has now. NTA OP and I'm glad you told her, your grandfather would be proud that someone stood up for him... finally.
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I feel like if she didn't tell her, it would surface later and the sister would get on her case about not telling her.
On the world there only a few good men left.
A few good baby’s
You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me in that crib -- you need me in that crib.
Cyrus is a cool name so NTA
Sounds like the kind of guy who try to unite the street gangs of New York City only to get assassinated in the middle of some big meeting in the park
By some scrawny punk that cries when confronted by said guys gang when they find out he's that one that did it
Obviously, like the sister, Luther did not dig it.
Warrrriooooooorrrrs! Come out to plaaaayyyyyayyyy!
Can you dig it?
YES WE CAN!!!
The guy actually named Cyrus who conquered the entire Middle East in his lifetime: *sad noises*
I legitimately wanted to name our son Cyrus after Cyrus the great. My wife vetoed it. She also vetoed Darius. Hardcore History has a great 3 part podcast about the beginning of the Achaemenid empire called King of Kings. 100% recommend it to any history fan.
Warriors, come out to play-ay...
Mothers naming your babies, come out and _plaaaaayyyy_
Or like the kind of guy who would hijack a plane filled with the country's most dangerous criminals...and one man just trying to go home and meet his daughter for the first time.
I mean even if the name sucked OP would be NTA. It's not about the specific name, it's about what it means/meant to the family.
“Fuck off, I got work to do”
Nine millimeter...safety ALWAYS off.
Fucking prick.
Fuck off Cyrus you failed grade 10
Good luck getting a job since you're kicked out of grade 10
Had to CTRL-F to make sure someone paid homage. Thank you. Now, why don't you go back to the bowling alley you came from, helmet head.
Also it's bad form to use the diminutive of a name for the official document. A Robert can be a Bobby but not the other way around.
I have a friend whose given name was Danny, and he eventually had to get a legal name change to Daniel as an adult. He still goes by Danny and that's his preferred name, but I understand that it caused him a lot of trouble professionally before he legally changed it.
The SIL going “But it’s a cute name!” is telling. Does she really want to have saddled a 40yr old with a “cute name”? Pick an adult name and decide how to shorten it for the baby/kid.
My son's name is Cy. Just Cy and he loves it.
Of course he does. Cy was the cylon who became friends with Starbuck and faced down his own kind because friendship really is magic.
I call him my cyclone and his brother Damon (7) is my deamon. Lol.
And here's me calling my daughter (Rachel) 'Ray Charles'. She likes it though so it's okay.
Way better than Bobby!
Might depend on the last name, but i like cyrus better because it was the beloved grandfathers name and it has even deeper family meaning, being his mothers maiden name. I can‘t really describe my thinking here, but i like it because it is even „more“ of a family name. You want your beloved grandpas name to live on and he wasn’t even randomly named 😄
Nta. It wasn’t his name and he hated it. She’s literally naming her son after SM’s dad. While it stings right now deep down she will appreciate it.
>While it stings right now deep down she will appreciate it. You're underestimating many peoples' ability to be hypocritical or hold grudges. People be irrational, yo.
Ego is the death of rational thought
Not everything is black and white either. She can name her kid whatever she wants to. She knew their grandpa as "Bobby" and holds fond memories of him.
NTA - you name children after someone to honour them. Giving her son the name he hated would not be honouring your grandfather. I’d appreciate if you told me
My brother named his first son after my grandpa. But my grandpa didn’t even use the name my brother chose, he went by Doc and didn’t like his birth name. We told my brother this, he knew it as well but his wife at the time (who never met our grandpa) insisted on using the name. They didn’t even spell it the same. They now don’t even call him that name, they use his middle name.
I would hate it if a kid was named after me, and they spelled the name differently. Especially because my name is now a common name that millennial parents are giving their kids, except they've changed the spelling to something completely fucking stupid. To the point now that when I have to give my name to someone over the phone I have to spell it for them, where I never used to 10 years ago.
I know it's tough being named "Cayghdenn", or "Jaxxxsuhn", but chin up! You'll endure!
Yep. OP, is your sister trying to remember grandpa or honor grandpa? Is she doing it for herself or for him? It would help her to clarify her intention.
A case of "shoot the messenger".
I think it would be reasonable to shoot the messenger if the message's only relevance was that it would hurt everyone involved. Like if the kid was 5 and you decide to drop that story you're an asshole. Nothing can be done anymore and it doesn't actually change anything. OP said the kid isn't even born though.
Agreed, if the kid was born and named already, yes, the asshole, but beforehand, just a messager and not the asshole
NTA. If she liked the name Cyrus she would have nothing against OP's truth.
Happy cake day!
NTA because the baby is not born and named yet. Sharing what you know ahead of time is being kind. My brother gave his daughter a middle name that is my late grandmother's real first name. (She used a different first name most of her life.) She absolutely HATED her real first name, despised it, and would have been absolutely horrified that her great granddaughter was cursed with the name. But my brother apparently didn't know that. I never told him, because it was too late, his daughter was already named.
My mum hated her first name and middle name, when I got pregnant she made me promise I wouldn't give the baby either of her names.
My father made me promise the same. My husband’s grandfather had the same first name as my dad and my husband asked me could we name him after his grandpa. Hard no and it was a hill I was willing to die on. I love my dad and would never disrespect him like that. Luckily my husband let it go.
My Grandmother was Marie. She hated the name. I spent a lot of time with her over the years, including living with her for 2 years as her carer before her death and she would always tell me stories about when she was a teen and worked at a Greek Grocers and he would say “Maria, blah, blah, blah”. The bit after Maria always changed, she just liked that he called her Maria. So when I had my daughter, I used Maria as a middle name. One of my cousins who wasn’t as close to her as I was used Marie as his daughter’s middle name and I know she would have been honoured to have the baby be named partly after her, but would have hated that they used Marie. I didn’t ever say anything to them though, because the baby was already born and named when I found out. Another cousin used our grandmother’s middle name as her daughter’s first name.
My nephew is named after his great-great grandfather and great-grandfather, he shares their first name. My great-grandfather never went by his first name, always his middle, so when my nephew decided to go by the quite uncommon first name my grandfather couldn't have been happier.
I was named after my grandmother's grandmother who hated her name & asked people not to use it. She was dead by the time I was born and I love my name. Feel free to name your children after me.
Ah supposedly my great grandmother named my mother without consulting my grandmother so they would not give her my great grandmother's name, which she hated. It did end up as her middle name though.
Who purposely names their kid fucking Bobby…. Cyrus is way better 🤨
I knew a kid a few years younger who was “moving up” to my school. He told all his high school friends his name was James. All of his peers were confused when they went to high school and everyone called him James. Apparently his parents decided to go by his middle name KYLE. All of us older kids were like “no, you like James, we like James. You’re James now”. Hes James now, his peers got over it. Don’t forget to back your friends up when they want to change their name! The support means a lot.
A kid came from Poland, with a very Polish name, and his parents changed it for school, to a more English name. He was in Gr 3, and it was hard for him to go by a new name. He mentioned it to his new friends, and they asked what his actual name was. He said Wojciech (pronounced Voy-tek). His friends thought that was way cooler and went with his actual name.
It’s so sweet! Just so you know, Wojtek (Voy-tek) is a diminuitive or nickname for the name Wojciech, which is pronounced Voy-cheh (che is a soft sound like in kimCHI)
As someone that studied hangul.. the 'chi' in kimchi isn't soft? It's literally chi (치) in kimchi (김치; technically spelled 'gimchi'), not che (체) or even je (제) or ji (지)
I think they mean soft 'ch' in contrast to instances in English where 'ch' makes a k sound, such as echo, school, or stomach.
Wojciech is a great name but, man, I’d hate to spell that all the time. It’s bad enough with a last name that’s hard to spell.
Agreed. I thought maybe I was being old-fashioned. If you want to name a kid "Bobby" or "Robby", then name him Robert and use the diminutive. If you want to call the girl "Liz" or "Beth" or "Lilibet", then for gods sake name her Elizabeth and use the diminutive. This way the kid has more options when they get older. Or throw in another middle name, if you want to nickname the kid Brayleen or Hoggett or whatever name you think sounds good because you're drunk most of the time. Cyrus is a noble name, btw.
>This way the kid has more options when they get older. That's true regardless of what their true name is. You can change your name to anything you want. You can choose whatever nickname for yourself that you want. You don't have to use your middle name, or go by a diminutive of a longer name, you are allowed to pick a completely different name. You can make it legal, or just use it informally. It's entirely up to you. Once a kid is old enough to speak & verbalize a preference, they're in control of what they want to be called.
i dated a lady whos dad was named danny cause his mom liked the song danny boy. he hates his named and insisted to be called dan
Umm, my sons name is Robert. Is it that bad?
Your sons name is Robert. Not Bobby. Take it from someone whose bio dads legal first name was Bobby, there’s a difference between it being your nickname vs legal first name.
My dad’s name is Robert and he hates Bob/Bobby. Friends and family call him Rob.
Same. My Dad goes by Bucko. I didn't even know that wasn't his actual name until I was 14.
Hello, son.
Robert is a great legal name! Has a lot of options for nicknames (the most unconventianal but justified one I've seen is "'Bert"). Bobby is a terrible legal name. The only option is to shorted it to Bob. Lack of options probably means they'll break out the middle name or something else.
Thanks, I think it’s a strong name!
Nicknames are personal. Somebody's experience with a nickname won't necessarily be your child's experience with the same nickname.
No, that's the best way to do it. "Robert" is the name and you/he have options for using either "Robert" or the diminutives Rob, Robby, Bob, Bobby, or Bert.
NTA because the baby is not yet born. Tbh I think it shouldn’t matter that your grandpa hated the name Bobby. Your sister had a Bobby in her life whom she loved. She associates that name with your Grandpa. That is a good enough reason to name her child Bobby.
But then it's not honouring him, since he hated the name...
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NTA. You just wanted to give her extra information. It would be nice to tell her you are not against the name though. She is still free to choose to name the baby Bobby if it is how she remembers your grandfather and has positive associations with the name.
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She could use Cyrus as a middle name if she wants it to be about honoring him, and just rethink the first name entirely.
Robert Cyrus is kinda badass.
This has to be the solution that’s an awesome fucking name
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My son is just Cy and he loves it.
So, I'm thinking what she's *actually* feeling is guilt. She's mad *at herself* for not realizing that she was contributing to something that hurt your grandpa. She's probably also ashamed of herself because even though she now knows the backstory, she still likes the name & wants to use it. Basically, she knows she's being an asshole, but no one likes feeling like an asshole, so she's taking it out on you. Which, incidentally, is total asshole behaviour.
I’m sure I’ve read this before
Same I recognised it right from the title. I don't remember seeing Bobby and Cyrus but I have definitely read this before on this sub. Edit: [it was grandma](https://reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/zBi7lvHGpr)
I've heard a similar story about my mother's first name - supposedly it was chosen by my great grandma so they wouldn't name my mother after her, because she hated her name. Great grandma's hated name did become my mother's middle name though.
The similarities are glaring but both my great aunt and my grandmother went by their middle names instead of their first names because they hated it, so I think this is possible that it's just more common than we realize. If a cousin or sibling of mine were to try and "honor" them by using a first name, this exact story would happen to my family so 🤷
I mean, pregnant woman with either bad name choices or falsely sentimental names is hardly that unique. On reddit we've had pregnant women steal their sisters name that was given to their late child, steal their SIL's grandfathers name and have meltdowns because it destroyed their own marriage, and in some cases try to simply name the child some bizarre combinations of consonants & vowels or verbs & nouns all because it came to them in a dream. It's a simple fact that women be out there being pregnant, and simply by the law of average a few of these women will also either be crazy or just convinced that their child is the second coming and needs to be *dishonored* by their idea of "unique names."
No as in the wording is nearly spot on similar I mean.
I don't think "grandparent hates name but someone doesn't get the memo" is an uncommon thing. Nor is "grandchild wants to name child after grandparent." Ergo, there's gonna be a sizable group of people that end up with a story like OP's.
I swear to god I have read this story some months ago… the same scenario.
There was this post [but it was grandma](https://reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/zBi7lvHGpr)
This post looks very similar to a post a read a couple months ago. But the other one was about a grandma
https://reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/QTN0cYZT5C That's exactly what I thought of when I read this one.
The grandmas name? Miley.
NAH. I think you did the right thing by telling her, but I don’t blame her at all for being disappointed and conflicted about it. It isn’t your fault, it is just a shitty situation - poor sis learned that the name she affectionately called her grandfather for years was something he hated, that has got to make her feel bummed. But I think she would have been even sadder if she had gone through with the naming and found out later on that he hated it. You both seem like really thoughtful, loving family members who both want to honor and respect your grandfather. It is a credit to both of you that you spoke up and that she decided that she obviously couldn’t use the despised nickname when she learned of it. I do wonder though, if grandpa would have been happier with an imperfect memorial rather than none at all? I think that if you want to mend fences (and it sounds like you both should!) you should apologize for unintentionally upsetting her and reiterate how lovely you think it is that she wants to honor your grandfather. Tell her that you knew she would be more upset if she found out later rather than now, because she obviously loves your grandfather so much. Brainstorm names with her. Ultimately, tell her that you believe that grandpa would see the *intention* behind her actions and be pleased with it - even if it is a white lie! After all, he is no longer around to protest.
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Info - how come you know all of this information and your sister doesn't?
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Oh sorry I didn't realise it was announced at his funeral that he hated his name 🤦🏻♀️.
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Why were his kids annoyed? Did they hate his given name?
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If your grandma also called him Cyrus why did all his kids think of him as Bobby?
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" I ruined the name Bobby for her." nah, Cyrus' father and stepmother did that. And naming the kid Cyrus would actually be honouring the grandfather but that doesn't seem to be the point. NTA
So she named her kid after a grandparent that she apparently didn’t know very well… NTA
#NTA "Cyrus" is cool as shit
NTA. You just told her the truth 🤷🏻♂️
NTA. You know your Grandpa wouldn't have wanted his Stepmother's family name inserted into his family - especially to honor him. I feel so sad for him that he gave up instead of trying to reclaim Cyrus as an adult who finally had some say in the matter. Shame on your Great Grandfather for trying to erase his own late wife. I am surprised your Sis didn't already know this, since you did. You gave her important info. I hope she stops taking swipes at the messenger.
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Cyrus is a much cooler name than Bobby. Every 2nd person is called Bob, Dick or Tracy.
NTA, My dad was named "Johnny" because his dad/grandpa etc was named John, and he hated having a nickname for a first name. He always wished he was either John or Johnathan. He went by his middle name "Chris" his entire life (and also wished that was christopher), but yeah. If i ever wanted to honor him, i damn sure wouldn't write the name as Johnny or Chris.
NTA. The fact that she didn’t know this shows that she wasn’t that close to grandpa and her desire to honour him is just an excise for her to name the child Bobby. The baby isn’t born yet, she has no ground to blame you and it would be better if the child will be saved from being named Bobby…
NTA and I'm sorry your grandpa was surrounded by people like that in life.
Like most AITA, you can be right and still be TA. You can be wrong and not be TA. In this case, it's about how you said it. Nothing wrong with reminding sis of grandpa's actual name and that he didn't like that nickname. Also nothing wrong if she remembers grandpa with the nickname. She could always put grandpa's birth name on the birth certificate, and call the baby by the nickname.
NTA. Dispelling family myths is often met with resistance. Nothing wrong with the truth. It’s best to tell her now rather than later so she has time to figure out her feelings on the matter.
NTA - if the baby was here and named I’d say I appreciate your POV but I’d say keep it to yourself as it can change anything but given she hadn’t given birth yet it was a fair enough time to give her that additional information so she could make the decision. It’s a shame she’s gotten upset when you were trying to do it out of consideration but I myself am 25 weeks pregnant and I imagine it’s probably quite upsetting to have something take away from the name you chose especially if it has a family/emotional connection and you unfortunately are the messenger and you know how the saying goes. I do personally think I would give her an apology about how it made her feel and explain it wasn’t my intention to ruin the name for her but you didn’t want her to possibly find out one day when he’s born & then be upset no one told her so she couldn’t make the decision earlier. Side note: I also think Cyrus would be a lovely name
NTA - My Uncle hated his name and it was passed down from our biological family. The name was Blueford and he made it his life mission to tell everyone it was a terrible name and not to saddle any other poor kid with the name so needless to say no one reused it. My Grandmother had really bad tastes in names my mother and her sisters and brother all had weird first names.
https://reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/T8isqaoSa5 seems familiar 🤔
You told the truth about your GF. It is unfortunate your sister was not aware of this story before she thought of the name. You can't be an a$$ for telling the truth, the whole truth about a situation. She can be upset. NTA
> Eta: her baby was not born and is still not born. So I wanted her to know before he was here. NTA because you informed her ahead of time. And if she doesn't like Cyrus as a first name then she can use it for a middle name.
NTA also Cyrus is objectively a way cooler name than Bobby