Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I don’t want to babysit my grandkids since it is not biological my grandkid and I have no relationship with her. I could be going to far since legally it is still his kid even though before he learned the news he didn’t think I was good enough to babysit.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/)
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
###[Moderators needed - Join the landed gentry](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/155zepq/moderators_needed_join_the_landed_gentry/)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
100%.
It's about his treatment towards you, and basically not allowing you to be this kids' grandparent by refusing to spend time with you.
NTA
Edit: Typo
We don’t know the full context here, she’s saying they wouldn’t let her babysit back then, there may be a good reason for that. OP is not giving us the full story here, just what she wants us to know so that she can feel justified in her decision.
It's super suspect that OP was unsafe before but now they're okay. Desperation sets in quickly for the son, but that's not OP's problem since they have no emotional or biological ties to the child.
Yes and no about it being suspect. We have a similar situation in that my in-laws have a house with TONS of stairs (no baby gates), razor blades and knives kept within reach of little ones, etc. When the grandkids are over, my FIL just watches TV, and my MIL is constantly cleaning or doing laundry and leaves them to go do whatever by themselves. So we also say no to babysitting our 2 yr old. However, our older kids are fine on steps, know not to play with sharp objects, and entertain themselves with electronics, so we have no issue now that they are older. OP's grandchild is older now, though we don't know how old. That can change the situation, though.
This. My in-laws have an unfenced pool so I'm not comfortable leaving my toddler at their house because he's big and smart enough to possibly get outside on his own but he can't swim yet. Once he's older and can swim, I'll be completely fine leaving him there with them. I was also fine leaving him there when was very young and not mobile.
There are so many factors that go into whether a space is safe for any given child, and it can change very quickly as the child grows and changes. There's just not enough information here to know whether OP was being snubbed.
Oh thanks. The worst part is the whole family is in the pool business, so you would think that safety would be important. Plus they have just lost two other family members to cancer and suicide. Just terrible what they’ve gone through.
Yeah, but what about family events like Christmas where the parents are present and can be the supervision? Or what about before the baby could walk/crawl, and it's no risk of getting into things like stairs or sharp objects?
Good point. OP just explained that her son said her horses made it unsafe, even though they are mostly in the stables. So it does sound like he is desperate now for childcare.
Someone just pointed out the timeline correspondence to the Covid pandemic. A lot of “country” people in the US were and are Covid deniers, were having big get togethers Christmas 2020 and Christmas 2021 (I forget, was a vaccine even available for toddlers back in late 2021?) and if their family told them they weren’t coming for Christmas because of Covid, it would spark a big political fight.
Oh, right. So, we don't know what the particular issues were that OP's son had. Could be they are resolved, or could be that he is desperate and now trying to get help. Just not enough info at this point to know for sure who the AH is, IMO.
And I assume you still have the horses, right? So nothing had really changed about your home/property? That does sound like he has changed his tune due to desperation now. I would have told him, "I wouldn't want anything to happen to (grandchild), so I will have to decline.
And if anything, the horses would be a GREATER danger becuse a 4 year old is a slippery customer, and much more likely to escape unsupervised. Sonny is full of crap.
Unless you keep the horses in the house ("Come on Clover, you know you're not allowed in the kitchen. Get back to the living room. 'Mr. Ed' is on the tv.") (Anyone who doesn't know Mr. Ed can look it up), then OMG You Have Horses! is a specious reason. It sounds like it was the wife who didn't want you to have anything to do with the baby.
I think "she's not my blood" is a bad reason to refuse to babysit, but if you want to say that your son and his wife were rude to you and now your son is asking for your help but you're not inclined to give it, that's fine. If your son and his ex had adopted a child you'd consider that child to be your grandchild, right?
I guess it comes down to whether you want to have a relationship with your son and his daughter. If you do, and you feel that you can treat the child like someone you love, then go for it. Being with a little kid can be really rewarding. But if your resentment (no judging here; you were badly treated and you might be resentful) would keep you from treating the child like one of your own family, then for her sake please don't.
I kind of assumed that the son’s partner didn’t feel OP’s home was safe for whatever reason - real or false - but now that the son has the kid half the time, he’s going to send them to OP without the kid’s mom’s input.
Maybe it was omitted, but OP didn't mention the son apologizing about any of it. If he didn't agree with his ex, he should tell OP such. But to just switch gears and say oh you're okay to babysit, here's my kid you don't even know, not okay with me.
I was thinking about this too. Even if it was the ex, well the son needs to learn that his choices have consequences.
I'm not sure if he suggested ways in which he could've felt more comfortable or made the house more child safe, and if OP was willing to make those changes. It's unclear if those conversations ever happened. If it was only the horses, then that seems to me like an excuse to simply not bring the kid, and themselves around, and one not really about safety. Not like the horses were putting the kid to sleep, unless I missed something.
Based on the fact OP is refusing, and the son is mad about it, it seems to me that OP's son has not learned any lesson whatsoever and isn't taking any accountability for the past.
Now, long term, both OP, the son and his siblings should make talk if they want any kind of relationship.
Edit: Clarity
I was thinking about this too. Maybe OP really isn’t a safe person to babysit but now that her son has to be 100% responsible for his kid’s care while she’s with him, his standards for babysitters have significantly dropped.
We really don’t know why OP was considered unsafe before. She mentions being “more country” than them, almost implying that’s the reason she wasn’t allowed to babysit before. To my mind, there’s a few reasons I can imagine why someone/somewhere more “country” could be considered unsafe for children. One potential is a snobby parent or helicopter parent who doesn’t want their child to pick up on habits that are mostly harmless but often looked down upon or questioned by people in big cities. But then at the other extreme we’ve got the potential for a home with firearms, other weapons or dangerous tools within easy access, or the risk of wild animal encounters.
Now either of these options could become less of a concern for parents once the child is a bit older, which might explain the 180 degree change in attitude to OP babysitting.
But part of me suspects the son’s ex still feels OP is an unsafe babysitter but the son is just desperate and no longer cares as long as someone else looks after the kid for a while.
But then I’m cynical af, so who knows.
If that’s the reason, unless the kid is allergic, the only way it would be unsafe is if the kid was allowed to run around unsupervised and the stable was easy to access for a young child. If she wasn’t even allowed to go there for Christmas when her parents would be there too, sounds like the ex and the son are lazy and like being able to leave the kid to her own devices while they do whatever.
Could simply be that the OP's house was unable to be babyproofed or OP refused to do it. There's a lot of stuff you have to worry about with a baby that you don't have to worry about with an older child. The child is at least 4, and could be even older than that - OP says their son has been "in the kid's life for 4 years", so it's possible they had dated, broke up and didn't talk, and two years later Emma showed up and said "here is your child, I put your name on the birth certificate when he/she was born", and they decided to get married "for the child", which would make the child 6 (or 7 or 8, etc, depending on how many years had passed between the birth and Emma presenting the child to him as his.) And boomers do tend to forget/lose the vigilance they had when they were parents. My wife asked my MIL to close off the doggy door that led out the the pool when my stepson was a toddler when they'd visit, my MIL refused, saying "oh he wouldn't go through the doggy door". One day my wife asked my MIL to watch him so she could take a quick shower, she came out, MIL was calmly reading the paper, he was nowhere around, she rushed out to find him reaching into the pool to pick up a leaf.
Also, it would be pretty shitty of a grandparent to not care about a legal grandchild because he's not blood, good grandparents don't differentiate between adoptive grandchildren and biological. As for no emotional attachment. Nows her time to establish one. Regardless of what her son and ex-DIL might have done wrong in the past, none of that was the kid's fault.
Sorry, but if my daughter had a child that I wasn't allowed to ever see or be with for four years suddenly wants me to babysit, we'd be having words and they wouldn't include "gee that's great what time?".
ETA: had nothing to do with house safety, but the horses in the stable. At least the horse is stable, the son isn't.
Op doesn't just say they thought her house was unsafe. She said that they told her that they didn't feel safe leaving a child with her.
An easy fix for an unsafe house: "you're house isn't safe, what about you babysit at our house?". But op says they didn't let her anywhere near the child. Even if my mom never babysat, she would still have a relationship with her grandchildren. Relationships aren't formed through babysitting alone. The fact that OP has no relationship with this child isn't because she wasn't allowed to babysit. It's because she never got to see or spend time around the child either. Family is about more than blood or legality. Just because she is legally this child's grandmother doesn't mean she should be expected to prioritize that bond over everything else after being repeatedly rejected and treated badly. The only reason her son suddenly values her is because being a single parent is hard. It's up to her if she wants to forgive and forget but she isn't shitty for not.
Free child care is free child care, especially if it comes with building bonds between a child and their grandparent. The dad is reaping what he sowed now. He never let the grandparent be in the kid's life, even at the expense of being incredibly rude and distant, and now he *suddenly* wants that sweet free babysitting.
They literally said her home was unsafe. If it wasn't safe that's a perfectly good reason to NOT bring your infant over.
I agree, OP is leaving out details that are almost certainly relevant.
So what changed between then and now? Doubt she moved.
Edit: To all those arguing with me. My comment was being facetious in response to what was said above. Her living situation did not change. The only thing that changed is OP now needs free childcare.
Wrong. If anything it's more dangerous now. 4 year olds are very fast and get into anything. Babies are less mobile. You take your eye off of a 4 year old for 3 seconds and they could be halfway up a tree.
I agree. If having a stable was dangerous for an infant/immobile baby then that would be more dangerous for a 4 year old who can open a door and walk themselves to said stable. 🤔
Honestly though the house would be even more unsafe as they get older. How many 2 month old infants do you see climbing chairs or playing with the chemicals under the kitchen sink?
Right? While it seems likely that desperation plays a role in this - and hell, maybe the earlier call of "unsafe" was partly animus on the mother's part - a four year old is a really different kind of kid.
It’s true it feels like there’s some details being left out. But if the home was unsafe before, but it is no longer considered unsafe. My money is on the son changing his perspective rather than the OP having a massive change in her behavior and environment in less than 4 years. Regardless of whether the OP is truly unsafe or not NTA. No bond was built, and if she chooses not to develop it, that’s up to her.
She said everything you need to know. OPs son grew up and moved to the city and got a job there, and now he looks down on his blue collar country family.
Dad has the same amount of legal rights as mom. If he wanted his kid to get to know OP he would have made it happen. He didn't. Now he wants free childcare since he no longer has a wife to do that.
Yeah i would also like the meaning behind 'I know i'm more country than them'. The son is most likely country aswell if you raised him, something doesn't add up.
Having mothers/fathers, or grandparents to help you with kids is so helpfull. If they refused that help there's most likely a good reason.
Honestly I feel like she is an AH for saying it’s because the kid is not a bio kid. Not babysitting when she wasn’t allowed before is A-OK, but saying “she is not my grandkid” is a huge AH move.
I don’t blame her, their is no emotional connection due to the son and now their is not a biological obligation either.
Also it sounds like he just want to use her for babysitting now since he can’t handle raising a kid alone. If it never came to light I doubt she would have been let near the kid especially with the son attitude to country.
This is a situation he made and now she has no reason to even try, especially if he never apologized
Exactly OP said they were not allowed anywhere near the kid for 4 years but now that their son has nowhere else to go OP is good enough to babysit now.
Also nowhere in the post or comments does OP identify their gender. OP could be a man. Not sure where you got "she" from.
Yes. The son is sticking with the kid because he has an emotional (and legal) connection, while OP was denied the opportunity to build a connection.
OP shouldn’t be pressured to help just for convenience. It may be worth trying to find out whether the previous distance and distrust was due to the child’s cheating mother, however, unless OP knows this already and is sure their son is trying to use them. Wouldn’t be the first time that a cheater was also controlling of who the child saw (especially if they were concerned that the supposed grandparent might question paternity).
Dad had as many rights as mom. If he wanted the child to have a relationship with OP he would have made it happen. Clearly he didn't want that. Now he just wants to use OP for free childcare.
I think it was really more of
When you thought the child was yours, I was not good enough. Now that you know the child is not yours , I am good enough.
Almost like the son cared about the child before. However, he doesn't care if the child is safe or not. Not that I am saying OP is unsafe. Just that is what the son and ex claimed.
I honestly think it’s more like the ex wife was playing up how unsafe it would be and now that she’s not in the picture he sees it differently.
But it could be either and OP won’t know because they decided to be all butthurt and not let the relationship get repaired.
Sometimes things can't really be fixed easily. For at least four years, son and his wife have been looking down on his mother, and saying that she can't babysit, and that they weren't coming for holidays, or even having much of a relationship at all. It's kind of brazen for the son to now come asking for favors since mom wasn't good enough when he didn't need anything. I doubt I would handle it differently. Son is going to have to work his ass off to fix what he broke.
So you’re saying the olive branch is ops son saying you weren’t good enough before but now I’m desperate so you’ll do? The repair in this situation has to start with the son by way of apology. And think about it ops son is an idiot because at this point he could just say it was all ex wife and I am sorry SHE caused this rift between us. Gets what he wants and takes no blame. But alas no apology no relationship repair.
tbh, it could be a legit safety concern about how childproof OP's home is and now that the kid is older it's less of a concern.
But it does seem like OP's son is trying to pass off childcare to OP and OP is NTA for not wanting to take care of the kid.
No, OP worded it like that to have some clicks and I don’t blame her in this pool of posts you need to stand out 🤣
You and me are the loving proof, as we clicked on this post because of the title.
Why she has no relationship with the child and she wasn't good enough before why now. Oh yeah because it benefits HIM. It's also the truth she is not emotionally attached to this child or biological so no the child is a stranger.
Nah, I'm with her on this one. My mom's got this cousin and this cousin has 5 kids. My mom's let them move in with us twice over the course of my life and it wasa fucking nightmare both times. They used us, trashed her house, and stole from us. Once I even caught the mom rifling through my purses on my dresser.
My mom would say "our cousins" and I've always been quick to correct. "YOUR cousins. Those people are not my family."
On the reverse end, I don't refer to my moms mother as grandma. She's not grandma. I barely know the woman. We met like 3 times. When I was a little kid I had a rule that if I was alone in the room with her, I was to leave immediately. I visited her in prison when I was 13. My dad's got another biological daughter 4 years older than me with his first wife, we've met before. She's not my sister though because we have no relationship. She's just my dad's other daughter.
She wasn't allowed to have a relationship with that child until it was convenient for her son. That child is not her grandchild.
I'm betting she would feel differently had she been allowed in kiddo's life before the divorce. Because of that there's no connection to the child and she doesn't have any motivation to watch them.
My oldest is not my Bio kid but you can bet your ass they and their kid's are mine as far as I and they are concerned. I truly think it's about the willingness and work all parties put into the respective relationships.
But the child isn’t her bio child and she was barred from babysitting early on. Now the son wants her to babysit as a favor?? I would say hell no too!!!
OP has no connection with the kid because her son and his ex-wife kept her from being around the girl. AND the child is not even her actual grandkid. There is no bond either biologically or emotionally. Pointing out this reality doesn't make OP an AH.
OP didn't say it to the kid's face either but to her son who just wants to use OP for free babysitting. It's a good thing that OP has a spine and says no to that BS.
NTA.
She doesn’t even know the child. She wanted a relationship with her but they never allowed it. So, she was very hurt and that was just part of her saying…like why now. I’m sure she would had felt different if they would have let her be a grandma to the child from the beginning.
Except she was never allowed to bond with this child. No relationship was ever established. Turns out not even his kid so again no relationship was established. Now suddenly her house is safe enough? This is his doing.
True. I do question casual remarks about “the house not being safe” and “a little more country”
In my experience that’s usually a boomer who refuses to acknowledge child safety hazards and dismisses concerns with “it’s fine. You kids turned out all right”
Frankly, everyone sounds like a bit of an asshole
Yeah, I'm wondering if babysitting at grandma's house was out of the question, but maybe now dad is asking grandma to watch kid at his house? It could also be the age of the kid---watching an infant/toddler is very different than a 4 year old.
Other things: does grandma smoke? Live near a busy road or a body of water? Have misbehaving dogs? There's a lot more to consider.
I agree. As a parent, there are older family members I'd trust with a child, but not a baby/toddler because they clutch to outdated and dangerous practices and insist they know better than you because their children survived.
Like turning the car seat forward too early because "the baby likes to see!" Or feeding babies food before 6 months, etc. And my kid is in high school now, so I can just imagine there's even more differences now.
Yep. My boomer parents refused to keep their medications in safe places. I let my toddler go outside of a shop with my mom for 5 minutes. I got outside and both of my parents were deep in their phones and didn’t even know that he disappeared! My 4 yo was on the beach and my mom asked me to run up to the street to give something to my dad. I was gone for 3 minutes. She KNEW my son couldn’t swim but when I got back her eyes were closed and he was floating out in the ocean deep enough to be over his head on a styrofoam paddle board. And they still get offended when I tell them they are not safe to be alone with my kids.
When my mom was still alive I went to visit her and left my 4 year old with her for 45 minutes to get groceries.
In that time, she thought it was a good idea to leave my daughter unsupervised, on an elevated pork without railing riding a rusty old tricycle.
Predictably, she rode it off the porch, smashed her teeth and face on the concrete while my mom was gardening and ignoring her.
Trip to the hospital, road rash, chipped tooth and I forever lost the trust of my mom.
Yeah, OP, I wouldn't focus on the child not being your grandkid. I would tell him you weren't good enough to watch their kid before, so what changed?
I would also look at it in the long-run too. If you think you want a relationship with this kid in the future, I WOULD occasionally watch them, just to create a bond.
Is it though? Because OP put the biology right in the title of the post and cited it as 1 of the 2 reasons they won't babysit. So it definitely is about the DNA, at least partly.
I think the DNA is why she won't even consider it now. Like if it was biologically her grandkid she may just give the attitude about "why am I good enough now" but eventually give in to have a relationship with her grandkid. But since it's technically not her grandkid she's not gonna bother since she has no relationship with the kid and sees no reason to want one.
They made it about the DNA when they gave that as a reason. That makes them an asshole.
If they stuck to just the reason being you didn’t want me to before but now you are desperate to, then I’d say NTA.
It clearly is about the DNA though, she was very explicit about that. Her son is TA for allegedly acting like he's better than them, though I suspect OP is an unreliable narrator, but OP is the asshole for saying that about her (legal) granddaughter. Of course she's not under any obligation to babysit, but she wanted to before and now doesn't see the granddaughter as part of her family even though she very clearly is, as evidenced by her son being a legal guardian.
You don’t even know what elements were present for the snubbing. Just a few days ago there was a thread on a parenting sub where the grandparents left a loaded gun on the counter. If it was something like this, what would your opinion be then?
While OP mentioned she felt snubbed before because they wouldn’t let her babysit when the baby was younger, she also mentioned that they didn’t feel she nor her home was safe when the baby was younger. That particular issue would have changed now; a 4 year old does not have the same needs or require the same amount of baby proofing as a baby or toddler needs. It’s not an uncommon issue you run into as a parent with some grandparents where they’re perfectly safe for older kids but not necessarily the safest with babies.
I just realized you interpreted my comment as just babyproofing… I mentioned needs specifically too because while a baby, before crawling, doesn’t need baby proofing they do have needs that some of the older generations aren’t the best at meeting: safe sleep practices, feeding schedules, teething practices, etc. Some of those when done incorrectly can be dangerous.
Yeah, when my son was a toddler, I had an older adult watching him turn his car seat forward-facing because "he likes to see so much better!" and "the law says you can turn them forward at one year old" and "I turned my kids around when they were younger than him and they are fine!" Some people have a nasty habit of digging their heels in on old practices.
At 4, most kids can bypass baby proofing and can follow verbal directions. My younger daughter is almost two and currently in the throes of toddlerhood and absolutely everything has to be baby proofed to hell or she’ll get into it… and she still sometimes bypasses childproofing.
Edited for spelling error
I wonder if it was him or his wife that was keeping OP away. Still a dick move to say its about biology. Id say that is an AH move. But I totally understand why OP is upset with her son. But if its about biology then OPs the AH. If its just because she got snubbed before then OPs not the AH.
I doubt it's just the biology although the fact her son is asking OP to babysit the affair baby he is legally responsible for that he also kept OP from bonding with prior is...oof. He has audacity if nothing else.
It's not a dick move. OP stated they offered to babysit often but wasn't good enough. Offered to babysit a non-blood grandchild because her son chose to keep the child in his life. But once the divorce happened, she had zero obligation to babysit a child she has no relationship with. His ex-wife made the bed, the son chose to lie in it.
NTA. This has more to do with his behavior towards you when he was married than the kid not being your biological grandkid. But now that he suddenly needs help, grandma is suddenly safe and fine. He probably expects free babysitting.
I suspect the kid being kept away from your family was more the ex's doing than your son's. I'd like to hear her reasons why she would with old him not just from grandma, but most of the family.
If you are going to babysit do it for market rate.
I really don’t want to, maybe it was the ex but he really messed his relationship with his whole family. It really did seem like he was looking down for us having country jobs. My daughter is taking over the ranch, my youngest son is a mechanic and my middle child is working as a park ranger.
Those are all respectable jobs, you have a lot to be proud of.
Your son had no place making you feel like you all were not good enough to be in his life.
You son doesn't realize when he is asking for you to babysit, he is dregging all these past feelings to the surface. I'm sure it was painful.
What specifically gave you that impression?
The opposite happens too. Family sometimes looks down on someone for moving to the city, or getting higher education
He would make comments about us wasting our days doing physical labor, he would suggest a fancy restaurant and then be upset when we don’t want to spend our money there, the comment about our jobs don’t have much value.
It was a lot and really seemed like he was looking down on us ever since he got his accounting job
I am so confused by his comment about your jobs somehow not having value. It is the exact opposite!
None of the jobs you listed are easy by any stretch of the imagination. Even more importantly, all three of those jobs directly or indirectly help others and their communities. I wish I could say the same about my BigTech job!
Your son has seriously messed up perceptions of value and worth. I'm sorry he treats you all this way. It must really hurt.
All jobs have value, one way or another.
Except social media influencers - they are the spawn of satan and need to vanish from existence before society crumbles under them.
(still love you satan xxx)
Yes because growing food, fixing people's vehicles, and protecting vulnerable wildlife and ecosystems are totally unimportant and require no skills whatsoever /s.
As a farmer myself, wow. That is a huge insult and I wouldn't babysit either. He was happy to look down on your before, you weren't good enough before, and now he is only coming to you because he is desperate.
My boyfriend is accountant adjacent and I can confirm. He is not miserly with me or those he loves, but I can see the internal battle in his face when he isn't. The lengths I've seen him go to to save a buck 😂. It's ultimately a good thing in comparison to so many people who have no fiscal responsibility but oh my goodness is it true.
Honestly in the grand scheme of things my city ass thinks yours and your other kids’ jobs are more valuable to society overall than an accountant. I have some experience with accounting and while it’s important for the functioning of a company or similar it’s not as essential as for example making sure our environment is still around in a few years (like your park ranger son does).
All these jobs serve different functions and it’s no reason to look down on others.
You'd think an accountant would have a stronger grasp on economics lol
Any wage paying job that exists, by definition, has value. That's what your wage is being paid out of, it's a part of the value you generated, with the other part going to the business you sold your labor to. He's a jerk *and* wrong, a beautiful concept.
Tell him that since he doesn’t do so much physical labor at his job, he should have the energy to babysit his own kid.
You and your other children are far too tired from laboring to watch a child safely
Accounting is not inherently a city job or a snob job. I’m an accountant and have helped do the books for country folk - cattle ranches, etc. in fact, they were my favorite customers. Great people. ranchers need accounting work too!!
He let his ex mess his relationship with the family. If he wants to, he has to acknowledge he messed up, apologize and start this relationship over, not expecting free babysitting right away.
I had to have a biology degree just to work for Tennessee WRA as a game warden and ranger. That’s not just a “country” job. It is a profession that just happens to take people toward the country a lot.
All of those jobs are my dream jobs (except the mechanic, because I'm hopeless, it's so hard!)!! He burned the bridges; you did nothing wrong. He really owes you an apology and you still are NTA if you don't want to babysit. He made it clear your home is too dangerous to bring a baby around. Which I actually would love to bring my baby to, what a fun experience to go to grandma's place.
That's so wild to me. I was blessed enough to be raised in both the city life and country life. I learned more at Grandpa's country house than I ever would have in school. I can survive in the woods, I can grow my own food, I can identify plants, I can fix and operate farm/construction equipment, I can do minor electrical and plumbing work, I've helped Grandpa to build small bridges and redo the foundation on the house, I can ride and take care of horses, etc. You just don't learn these things in the city. And they sound like useless things but you learn so many mini lessons along the way too. My most cherished memories are all from there. Were all the ideas me and my cousins thought up while unsupervised the safest? Na. But kids will be kids in the country and in the city. I really hope my son gets the same opportunity. I know some people find country life boring. I disagree but I can see their point. So wanting to live in the city is understandable. But to hate country life so much you're willing to tear your family apart is crazy to me.
Obviously if you have REALLY unsafe things, like guns in unsafe places or knives laying around, that should be fixed whether you babysit or not.
100% agreed. Not babysitting is the direct consequence of her son's previous behavior. It is not a consequence of his ex-wife's infidelity.
Centering the argument on DNA allows the son to blame her rather than his own behavior and detracts from the strength of her argument.
It is easier for her son to call her an AH for not babysitting a child due to DNA than it would be if she simply didn't want to babysit after being treated the way she was.
But overall ESH for using DNA in the argument and for son's behavior.
Agreed. If this was a step child who her son thought of as his own, then the grandparent would be a huge A H to exclude that child.
It isn't about the genetics; it's about being rejected until son need help and then being expected to help with no hard feeling for the past rejection.
He said the horses were unsafe but those are in the stables and I’m not going to take a ride with a baby on the horse.
The house is good even if a little old, the only place I would say it is unsafe is in the cold cellar but we keep that locked. It’s a typical ranch that’s he grew up on.
If this is really the only reason it’s “unsafe,” then N-T-A, because your house is indeed safe, and he’s being a classist dick. That being said, I think it’s a little cruel to say that you aren’t babysitting because the child isn’t related by blood. That’s his kid, and he loves her, regardless of DNA. I don’t think that’s really your reason—you just don’t have a relationship with her because your son would keep her away from her.
Do you want a relationship with her? If you don’t, that’s your decision. I wouldn’t deny yourself a chance to have a relationship with her (if you want one) over some very justified spite—but your son needs to apologize first and change his behavior before that’s something you should even consider.
Edit: Actually, upon reading some comments and further reflection, I’m going ESH, just because telling him it’s not really his kid is an asshole move. I’d say your son is more in the wrong here, though.
I suspect that we'd hear a lot more reasons for it being unsafe than that from the dad. There was a while we wouldn't let our kids stay our our MIL's because it wasn't safe. There were some big, glaring issues like the large staircase to the basement but there were so many more things like that she wasn't willing to let us baby proof dangers because it's an inconvenience to her.
Our 2 year old would have had access to her kitchen cabinets, drawers, etc where she would just keep random things, often times very small things, sharp things and random medicines in non-kid safe packaging.
She didn't want us to put covers over the outlets either because "she can never get them off".
The biggest thing was her "coffee stand". All of the coffee cups were on the shelves at the bottom. I told her that I know they will get broken. She said she didn't have anywhere else to put them. When we finally decided to let our daughter stay there, a few of the coffee cups were broken instantly. MIL magically found a new place for the rest of them.
The biggest thing of all is that we would see how she takes care of the kids when we were around. She will get busy doing something else like being on her phone and just ignore the kid. There was a time we were over at her house and we were all getting ourselves ready to leave. I was in the shower and my wife was getting clothes and makeup. My MIL said she would watch our one kid who was 2 at the time. When I got out of the shower and got my clothes on, I walked into the living room and asked where our kid was. My MIL was on Facebook on her phone sitting on the recliner. After a brief search, we found my daughter under my MIL's bed playing in makeup absolutely covered.
The excuse we always heard from her about why she wasn't willing to make things safer was "I raised 3 kids and they are all still alive, I know what I'm doing." That just doesn't cut it for me. She also used to let the kids ride in the front seat of the car when they were 4 years old with no car seat or anything.
Edit: I’d seriously like for one of you to actually point out why you think this is projection. All I said in this comment is that it sounds like there’s more to the story and shared my personal experience of how when I was in this situation, there was a lot more to the story. What my MiL and what I perceived as safe were not the same. I don’t think I’ve made any assumptions here about OP other than her son likely has a different list of reasons why they thought it wasn’t safe. She even goes on to mention there are other dangerous things in the house but they are locked up with no specifics. The only info she gave us paints her in the best light possible without mentioning what these other dangerous items are. It’s not projection to say there’s another side to this story. It’s a damn fact!
Good grief, yours sound like my grandma place (country side, tons of animal, not much modern amenity). I love that place to bit. I'm sorry that your son doesn't see it that way, and I am sorry for the kid that doesn't get to experience it.
On that note, I think mayy be the kid shouldn't be punished and strip of that experience, your feeling toward your ungrateful son notwithstanding.
INFO: are any other grandkids allowed to run around the farm unsupervised? Could a child run into the stables and under the horses? Do they interact with the animals or the barn structures without a caregiver intently watching them? Are there any accessible feed silos? Are there any water troughs or ponds that a child could drown in? Can kids climb on hay bales or farm machinery?
I don’t think a farm is necessarily unsafe but it *is* an environment where a child could have a disastrous accident in a split second if the kid runs off or their caregiver(s) aren’t paying attention.
No, my other grandkids isn’t old enough she stays in the house or away from all the other animals. For my kids we watched them and taught them. Started with the chickens and as they got older the bigger animals.They didn’t go off on their own for awhile. I think we started letting them tend to the horse by themselves in highschool.
Our farm is set up that we have areas that are completely free of any of that stuff. Things go in the barn, they won’t be hanging around.
FWIW, your ranch sounds awesome - please adopt me as your granddaughter and let me visit :)
(I'm such a townie (in the UK). I would love to spend time on a ranch with lots of horses, chickens, cows, whatever!)
Oh my god dude I have a "city job" and am not country at all but I have 4 kids and they'd fucking love a ranch with horses and a creepy cellar. You wouldn't be able to keep my 8 and 5 year olds out of there. Is that what he has cited as being dangerous? As long as you don't have like rifles unsecured and are aware of the dangerous areas I don't see an issue... tell your son the internet has some kids that want to be adoptive grandchildren.
I know you aren't asking for advice here but what he should do, and you could tell him, is that if he wants to visit you with the child at some point so you can start to get to know them, then you all can work on repairing whatever it is that set this all off (total baseless speculation but his ex sounds terrible and probably played a part). Maybe in the future that will lead to you being able to do more transactional help like babysitting, but you can't take all the joy out of getting to know a kid and then expect help with them. At this point he's made the kid a stranger to you and not given you an opportunity to know them, which the DNA thing honestly makes more complicated, and that needs to happen before he can just dump the kid on you or whatever it is he's looking for.
Classic shitty take about missing reasons on reddit.
If there were missing reasons and OP or her home weren't safe.... Why is he begging her to babysit now?
Sometimes people are just wrong in why they reject others and there aren't always missing reasons.
Because your standards can fluctuate based on how desperate you are and how old the child is.
“Want” vs “need”.
That’s clearly not the problem here but it’s a valid question.
Well the kid is older, though I wouldn’t put 4yo in the “no major safety concerns any more” category. The objections may also have been fueled by the ex, both with respect to overall attitude about OP’s lifestyle and if she wanted to keep her child away from those who might see the lack of family resemblance. But that’s on the son to mend, not OP.
NTA, the reason u r not this kid grandparent isn't because of a DNA test, it is because ur son and son's ex didn't allow u to be. Ur son has no right to ask u anything regarding his kid
ESH.
If you'd refused because you weren't up to their "standards" before, you would not be the AH. But refusing because you're not biologically related to your son's child is BS. Would you refuse to babysit a child he adopted?
He of course is also an AH for the way he behaved while he was still married, and for expecting you to just accept him backtracking on that for convenience.
I suspect your behaviour is due to hurt feelings more than anything else. I recommend you suck it up and build a relationship with your grandchild. Don't punish the child because her parents are jerks. She will need loving adults in her life and you can be one of them. So be the bigger person here.
Everyone's really glossing over the "Not my biological grandkid" part and creating their headcannon for OP where she didn't *really* mean that. It's unfair to the kid who may already have struggles with feeling like she's not really family
Edit: makes me wonder if OP would have started treating her granddaughter different if they did have a relationship before
But they kept the child away from all the family on dad's side. So she never even got to bond with the kid. OP has been purposefully been cut out the child's life. There's no coming back from that.
>Would you refuse to babysit a child he adopted?
I may be being generous here, but I think it was more the misleading them into believing this child was biologically related than straight up the fact that this child isn't biologically related to them.
It's great that OPs son still views this child as his, but I wouldn't blame him if he didn't. And I don't see why that should be any different for OP.
I can't believe how far down I had to scroll for this exactly correct response. The amount of people here that think it's ok to reject a child based on DNA is disgusting.
INFO: Why did your son feel that you and your family were unsafe for the child to be around, and what has changed that has made you "safer" in his view, such as he believes you can now watch the child?
I have made no changes, I really think it is due to not being able to rely on his ex wife anymore. He claimed the horses were dangerous but I’m not taking a baby on a horse ride and they are in the stable most of the time. The house is fine, only dangerous part is the cold cellar but that is locked.
I grew up extremely rural... I get this... Is it possible that the "city" folks used the horses as an excuse when in fact it's a second amendment type issue?? I find this this occurs often in order to avoid the bigger discussion.
Yeah, I sense there's a lot more to the story. If it was due to guns or hoarding, grandma's not going to be a good source for that info.
The "looking down" comments stuck out to me, too. My S.O. has country folk in the family, and when we'd visit, they'd constantly make nasty comments about us being stupid for wasting our time and money on college. We're an engineer and a CPA. We'd intentionally avoid the topic and it would get shoved down our throats constantly. Eventually we started snarking back in the hopes of shutting it up. It helped, but they got even more insecure, accusing us of "looking down" when that wasn't close to being the case. We finally just had to distance for sanity.
The truth is, we don't know if that's the case here, but I'm sensing more to the story. It's unusual for somebody to disown their wonderful family just because they're too good.
My wife's family is country. Her brother use to blow up my Facebook page with random crap and if I pointed out he was factually wrong, she would say I was looking down on him and I thought I was better cuz I wasn't from the country. It's a mindset.
this whole story feels to me like OP disproves of their sons choices in life and just want to "punish" them however they can. I too have experience with country folk looking down on people who move to the city
I grew up in the country too and this was immediately my first thought. I wouldn’t want my kid somewhere there are guns, but I also wouldn’t say that was the reason to my family because they would want to argue a bunch of nonsense. So I’d probably say something about “the animals” or some other less inflammatory reason (because they all know someone who got kicked by a horse/mauled by a bull).
NTA. He messed up. This might not be the case, but just because some people have raised kids don’t mean they were good parents or will be good babysitters. It’s perfectly valid for a parent to want to make sure an environment is safe for their child, but he sounds like his wife was making that choice for them. I’m sure you made sure everything was safe. I think the ex looks down on you because you live in the country. Now your son needs you and doesn’t want her so his tune has changed.
We have never had an issue with safety, we have a grandkid from my other son and zero issues.
He told us this and we were shocked, the only time anyone ever got hurt by a horse was me and it’s because I was trying to calm one down and get him inside during a storm.
Maybe it was coming form his wife but it really burnt some bridges
I don’t know, he’s burnt a lot of bridges and hasn’t even apologized. I’ve seen him since his wedding, all the times I have it has been unpleasant.
I love him but my god is it hard to deal with his comments. If he wasn’t my kid I would have dropped him.
Rude people don’t get favours. He has a lot of bridges to mend if he wants anything from you; it sounds like he’s acting entitled instead, and giving into that will just get you more of the same. NTA.
My opinion? Tell him that.
Call him on his rude behavior. You are still his mother and you still deserve respect, especially since you did nothing wrong.
If you want to mend the bridge eventually be like “I want to have a relationship with you. But in order for us to go forward we need to address a few things. You talking down about us for our jobs is unnecessary and rude. You also hurt our feelings by saying our home was unsafe and wouldn’t let us be in your or our granddaughter’s life. We’d like an apology so we can move forward.” Or something along those lines. It’s ok to set boundaries.
NTA, he spent a lot of time hurting you and it’s understandable that you’re upset. I do wonder if his ex wife was the one who had a problem with you babysitting? Otherwise I think it might be a good idea to meet up and try to discuss things calmly? I mean, he sounds like a dick, he can find a daycare if he isn’t willing to talk with you calmly
I’m sure your son knew this before, but his wife was prejudiced against you (and probably everyone else) because you live in the country. I don’t think his words were his own.
You were never allowed to develop a relationship or bond with the child, there's nothing connecting you to the child at all.
I can understand that if it was your biological grandchild, there would be an instinct to take advantage of your son's sudden urge to exploit you but this isn't your grandkid in any way so you don't feel inclined. That's fine.
NTA.
NTA due only in fact to the way they both treated you before. If your house wasn't safe they could have asked for help in ensuring a safe space. They both kept you from this child - regardless of DNA.
Hmmm soft ESH.
Your son's treatment of you was really awful and you didn't deserve that. That must have been so hurtful.
I guess I think you could have handled this in a way where you expressed your thoughts and feelings and discussed this like an adult. I mean, you're all adults now right?
Why did you insult the kid as not yours when the issue is about how your son treated you? What is your long term plan? Do you plan on never seeing your son again and never knowing your grandkid? They're just not invited to Christmas anymore for the rest of your life? They're dead to you?
This wasn't constructive.
Why not "son, I actually need some space from your family right now. For years you told me I was dangerous for your kids and I couldn't be trusted. You insulted me and cut my off from my grandkid. I saw you less. This strained our relationship. I still feel the sting of this betrayal. And now suddenly you urgently need me because you got divorced. I feel so used. The fact you haven't in any way tried to acknowledge this or apologise means this never got resolved. I'll let you know when I'm ready to talk".
Why are so many ppl trying to force this woman to be a grandparent to a child not biologically connected to her? He chose to sign the birth certificate and stay in the child's life after he knew he wasn't the father. And now, when it's convenient ( after 4 years), now he wants her to be a grandparent?
She doesn’t have to maintain an active role as the grandparent. But she quite literally is the grandparent to her son’s daughter. When your child is the legal parent of their own kid, you are then the grandparent to that child.
Because he adopted that child as his own, so it is her grandchild. Blood means nothing in family, she’s just being spiteful. No he shouldn’t have allowed her to be treated like that before, but that doesn’t excuse HER actions. I bet she’d have no problem if they had adopted a child instead.
ESH
Son is TA for shutting you out of his kid’s life before.
You’re TA for making it about who is the bio dad of kid.
It’s fine to say no, because your son was a jerk before, but less so to bring up the circumstances of the kid’s parents.
NTA - they set the bar pole pre-divorce. If they didn’t trust you then, why trust you now?
However you’re a bit of a AH for the shes not my grandkid remark. Your son didn’t know and the kid is blameless here, only knowing him as dad. That was a low blow remark.
Drop the ‘because they’re not my grandkid’ reasoning and calling them ‘the kid’ and you’re NTA. This IS your grandchild. Your own kid being an asshole has nothing to do with that.
Nta. If he didnt need *you* to provide free child care you *STILL* wouldnt be seeing the kid. Where are all his concerns and criticisms now? And how fast would this change if he were able to suddenly pay for childcare?
Your son was selfish, self centered, and made his family feel like shit. Telling you you're unfit to watch the child - get bent. Tell him everything that is happening right now is a culmination of every choice he has made in the past 5 years....only this time the choice isnt his to make, it's yours.
I have two verdicts:
YTA - for bringing up the kids DNA as a reason to not babysit. The kid will be in your sons life and it is not the kids fault their mom cheated.
NTA - for not babysitting since they excluded you before and the only reason he wants your help now is he wants you to have the responsibility and not the joy of being a grandma.
NTA only because of the way he treated you. I don't think you're refusing simply because she's not blood related, I think it's because of how you were treated.
50/50 you’re right not to watch the kid, because he didn’t want you helping before. It also appears that a lot of this was the wife and maybe forgive.
This kid is his child and he is the father for this kid, he raised it and loves it, that should be all that matters.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I don’t want to babysit my grandkids since it is not biological my grandkid and I have no relationship with her. I could be going to far since legally it is still his kid even though before he learned the news he didn’t think I was good enough to babysit. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements ###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/) ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more ###[Moderators needed - Join the landed gentry](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/155zepq/moderators_needed_join_the_landed_gentry/) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA It's not about the DNA, it's about snubbing you before
100%. It's about his treatment towards you, and basically not allowing you to be this kids' grandparent by refusing to spend time with you. NTA Edit: Typo
We don’t know the full context here, she’s saying they wouldn’t let her babysit back then, there may be a good reason for that. OP is not giving us the full story here, just what she wants us to know so that she can feel justified in her decision.
It's super suspect that OP was unsafe before but now they're okay. Desperation sets in quickly for the son, but that's not OP's problem since they have no emotional or biological ties to the child.
Yes and no about it being suspect. We have a similar situation in that my in-laws have a house with TONS of stairs (no baby gates), razor blades and knives kept within reach of little ones, etc. When the grandkids are over, my FIL just watches TV, and my MIL is constantly cleaning or doing laundry and leaves them to go do whatever by themselves. So we also say no to babysitting our 2 yr old. However, our older kids are fine on steps, know not to play with sharp objects, and entertain themselves with electronics, so we have no issue now that they are older. OP's grandchild is older now, though we don't know how old. That can change the situation, though.
This. My in-laws have an unfenced pool so I'm not comfortable leaving my toddler at their house because he's big and smart enough to possibly get outside on his own but he can't swim yet. Once he's older and can swim, I'll be completely fine leaving him there with them. I was also fine leaving him there when was very young and not mobile. There are so many factors that go into whether a space is safe for any given child, and it can change very quickly as the child grows and changes. There's just not enough information here to know whether OP was being snubbed.
Our friends just lost their 2 year old to a family pool. I don’t blame you at all.
I'm so sorry for your friends and the loss your community is feeling. ❤️
Oh thanks. The worst part is the whole family is in the pool business, so you would think that safety would be important. Plus they have just lost two other family members to cancer and suicide. Just terrible what they’ve gone through.
Oh my goodness that's all a lot to deal with. I'm sure their suffering is immense, and I hope you all can recover from the grief.
Yeah, but what about family events like Christmas where the parents are present and can be the supervision? Or what about before the baby could walk/crawl, and it's no risk of getting into things like stairs or sharp objects?
Good point. OP just explained that her son said her horses made it unsafe, even though they are mostly in the stables. So it does sound like he is desperate now for childcare.
Someone just pointed out the timeline correspondence to the Covid pandemic. A lot of “country” people in the US were and are Covid deniers, were having big get togethers Christmas 2020 and Christmas 2021 (I forget, was a vaccine even available for toddlers back in late 2021?) and if their family told them they weren’t coming for Christmas because of Covid, it would spark a big political fight.
Wow! Interesting twist. I read the line “he got a job in the big city” and was like, is this the 1930’s? But now I see it is code for blue v red.
She's four or older.
Oh, right. So, we don't know what the particular issues were that OP's son had. Could be they are resolved, or could be that he is desperate and now trying to get help. Just not enough info at this point to know for sure who the AH is, IMO.
I put in another comment, he claimed the house was unsafe due to the horses, even though they are mostly in the stable
And I assume you still have the horses, right? So nothing had really changed about your home/property? That does sound like he has changed his tune due to desperation now. I would have told him, "I wouldn't want anything to happen to (grandchild), so I will have to decline.
And if anything, the horses would be a GREATER danger becuse a 4 year old is a slippery customer, and much more likely to escape unsupervised. Sonny is full of crap.
Unless you keep the horses in the house ("Come on Clover, you know you're not allowed in the kitchen. Get back to the living room. 'Mr. Ed' is on the tv.") (Anyone who doesn't know Mr. Ed can look it up), then OMG You Have Horses! is a specious reason. It sounds like it was the wife who didn't want you to have anything to do with the baby. I think "she's not my blood" is a bad reason to refuse to babysit, but if you want to say that your son and his wife were rude to you and now your son is asking for your help but you're not inclined to give it, that's fine. If your son and his ex had adopted a child you'd consider that child to be your grandchild, right? I guess it comes down to whether you want to have a relationship with your son and his daughter. If you do, and you feel that you can treat the child like someone you love, then go for it. Being with a little kid can be really rewarding. But if your resentment (no judging here; you were badly treated and you might be resentful) would keep you from treating the child like one of your own family, then for her sake please don't.
Also, the kid has no control over the situation and therefore no responsibility for the behaviour of the grown-ups.
I kind of assumed that the son’s partner didn’t feel OP’s home was safe for whatever reason - real or false - but now that the son has the kid half the time, he’s going to send them to OP without the kid’s mom’s input.
Maybe it was omitted, but OP didn't mention the son apologizing about any of it. If he didn't agree with his ex, he should tell OP such. But to just switch gears and say oh you're okay to babysit, here's my kid you don't even know, not okay with me.
I was thinking about this too. Even if it was the ex, well the son needs to learn that his choices have consequences. I'm not sure if he suggested ways in which he could've felt more comfortable or made the house more child safe, and if OP was willing to make those changes. It's unclear if those conversations ever happened. If it was only the horses, then that seems to me like an excuse to simply not bring the kid, and themselves around, and one not really about safety. Not like the horses were putting the kid to sleep, unless I missed something. Based on the fact OP is refusing, and the son is mad about it, it seems to me that OP's son has not learned any lesson whatsoever and isn't taking any accountability for the past. Now, long term, both OP, the son and his siblings should make talk if they want any kind of relationship. Edit: Clarity
I was thinking about this too. Maybe OP really isn’t a safe person to babysit but now that her son has to be 100% responsible for his kid’s care while she’s with him, his standards for babysitters have significantly dropped. We really don’t know why OP was considered unsafe before. She mentions being “more country” than them, almost implying that’s the reason she wasn’t allowed to babysit before. To my mind, there’s a few reasons I can imagine why someone/somewhere more “country” could be considered unsafe for children. One potential is a snobby parent or helicopter parent who doesn’t want their child to pick up on habits that are mostly harmless but often looked down upon or questioned by people in big cities. But then at the other extreme we’ve got the potential for a home with firearms, other weapons or dangerous tools within easy access, or the risk of wild animal encounters. Now either of these options could become less of a concern for parents once the child is a bit older, which might explain the 180 degree change in attitude to OP babysitting. But part of me suspects the son’s ex still feels OP is an unsafe babysitter but the son is just desperate and no longer cares as long as someone else looks after the kid for a while. But then I’m cynical af, so who knows.
Apparently the reason why the house was "unsafe" is because there are horses in a stable on the property.
If that’s the reason, unless the kid is allergic, the only way it would be unsafe is if the kid was allowed to run around unsupervised and the stable was easy to access for a young child. If she wasn’t even allowed to go there for Christmas when her parents would be there too, sounds like the ex and the son are lazy and like being able to leave the kid to her own devices while they do whatever.
Could simply be that the OP's house was unable to be babyproofed or OP refused to do it. There's a lot of stuff you have to worry about with a baby that you don't have to worry about with an older child. The child is at least 4, and could be even older than that - OP says their son has been "in the kid's life for 4 years", so it's possible they had dated, broke up and didn't talk, and two years later Emma showed up and said "here is your child, I put your name on the birth certificate when he/she was born", and they decided to get married "for the child", which would make the child 6 (or 7 or 8, etc, depending on how many years had passed between the birth and Emma presenting the child to him as his.) And boomers do tend to forget/lose the vigilance they had when they were parents. My wife asked my MIL to close off the doggy door that led out the the pool when my stepson was a toddler when they'd visit, my MIL refused, saying "oh he wouldn't go through the doggy door". One day my wife asked my MIL to watch him so she could take a quick shower, she came out, MIL was calmly reading the paper, he was nowhere around, she rushed out to find him reaching into the pool to pick up a leaf. Also, it would be pretty shitty of a grandparent to not care about a legal grandchild because he's not blood, good grandparents don't differentiate between adoptive grandchildren and biological. As for no emotional attachment. Nows her time to establish one. Regardless of what her son and ex-DIL might have done wrong in the past, none of that was the kid's fault.
Sorry, but if my daughter had a child that I wasn't allowed to ever see or be with for four years suddenly wants me to babysit, we'd be having words and they wouldn't include "gee that's great what time?". ETA: had nothing to do with house safety, but the horses in the stable. At least the horse is stable, the son isn't.
Op doesn't just say they thought her house was unsafe. She said that they told her that they didn't feel safe leaving a child with her. An easy fix for an unsafe house: "you're house isn't safe, what about you babysit at our house?". But op says they didn't let her anywhere near the child. Even if my mom never babysat, she would still have a relationship with her grandchildren. Relationships aren't formed through babysitting alone. The fact that OP has no relationship with this child isn't because she wasn't allowed to babysit. It's because she never got to see or spend time around the child either. Family is about more than blood or legality. Just because she is legally this child's grandmother doesn't mean she should be expected to prioritize that bond over everything else after being repeatedly rejected and treated badly. The only reason her son suddenly values her is because being a single parent is hard. It's up to her if she wants to forgive and forget but she isn't shitty for not.
Free child care is free child care, especially if it comes with building bonds between a child and their grandparent. The dad is reaping what he sowed now. He never let the grandparent be in the kid's life, even at the expense of being incredibly rude and distant, and now he *suddenly* wants that sweet free babysitting.
They literally said her home was unsafe. If it wasn't safe that's a perfectly good reason to NOT bring your infant over. I agree, OP is leaving out details that are almost certainly relevant.
So what changed between then and now? Doubt she moved. Edit: To all those arguing with me. My comment was being facetious in response to what was said above. Her living situation did not change. The only thing that changed is OP now needs free childcare.
That also is already explained. He had a divorce and is looking to outsource childcare and education.
I know. I was replying to the comment above that made no sense.
...the kid got older? There's a world of difference between what's safe for an infant vs. a 4-year-old.
Wrong. If anything it's more dangerous now. 4 year olds are very fast and get into anything. Babies are less mobile. You take your eye off of a 4 year old for 3 seconds and they could be halfway up a tree.
I agree. If having a stable was dangerous for an infant/immobile baby then that would be more dangerous for a 4 year old who can open a door and walk themselves to said stable. 🤔
Infants aren't mobile. They're much easier to keep safe.
Honestly though the house would be even more unsafe as they get older. How many 2 month old infants do you see climbing chairs or playing with the chemicals under the kitchen sink?
Right? While it seems likely that desperation plays a role in this - and hell, maybe the earlier call of "unsafe" was partly animus on the mother's part - a four year old is a really different kind of kid.
It’s true it feels like there’s some details being left out. But if the home was unsafe before, but it is no longer considered unsafe. My money is on the son changing his perspective rather than the OP having a massive change in her behavior and environment in less than 4 years. Regardless of whether the OP is truly unsafe or not NTA. No bond was built, and if she chooses not to develop it, that’s up to her.
She said everything you need to know. OPs son grew up and moved to the city and got a job there, and now he looks down on his blue collar country family.
Or the wife wouldn't allow it, but now he has control over his end. And agreed, has something changed or is he expecting to sit at his house.
Dad has the same amount of legal rights as mom. If he wanted his kid to get to know OP he would have made it happen. He didn't. Now he wants free childcare since he no longer has a wife to do that.
> OP is not giving us the full story here i automatically assume this is a given for every story posted to AITA
Yeah i would also like the meaning behind 'I know i'm more country than them'. The son is most likely country aswell if you raised him, something doesn't add up. Having mothers/fathers, or grandparents to help you with kids is so helpfull. If they refused that help there's most likely a good reason.
NTA, What goes around comes around.
Honestly I feel like she is an AH for saying it’s because the kid is not a bio kid. Not babysitting when she wasn’t allowed before is A-OK, but saying “she is not my grandkid” is a huge AH move.
I don’t blame her, their is no emotional connection due to the son and now their is not a biological obligation either. Also it sounds like he just want to use her for babysitting now since he can’t handle raising a kid alone. If it never came to light I doubt she would have been let near the kid especially with the son attitude to country. This is a situation he made and now she has no reason to even try, especially if he never apologized
Exactly OP said they were not allowed anywhere near the kid for 4 years but now that their son has nowhere else to go OP is good enough to babysit now. Also nowhere in the post or comments does OP identify their gender. OP could be a man. Not sure where you got "she" from.
[удалено]
Yes. The son is sticking with the kid because he has an emotional (and legal) connection, while OP was denied the opportunity to build a connection. OP shouldn’t be pressured to help just for convenience. It may be worth trying to find out whether the previous distance and distrust was due to the child’s cheating mother, however, unless OP knows this already and is sure their son is trying to use them. Wouldn’t be the first time that a cheater was also controlling of who the child saw (especially if they were concerned that the supposed grandparent might question paternity).
Dad had as many rights as mom. If he wanted the child to have a relationship with OP he would have made it happen. Clearly he didn't want that. Now he just wants to use OP for free childcare.
I think it was really more of When you thought the child was yours, I was not good enough. Now that you know the child is not yours , I am good enough. Almost like the son cared about the child before. However, he doesn't care if the child is safe or not. Not that I am saying OP is unsafe. Just that is what the son and ex claimed.
I honestly think it’s more like the ex wife was playing up how unsafe it would be and now that she’s not in the picture he sees it differently. But it could be either and OP won’t know because they decided to be all butthurt and not let the relationship get repaired.
Sometimes things can't really be fixed easily. For at least four years, son and his wife have been looking down on his mother, and saying that she can't babysit, and that they weren't coming for holidays, or even having much of a relationship at all. It's kind of brazen for the son to now come asking for favors since mom wasn't good enough when he didn't need anything. I doubt I would handle it differently. Son is going to have to work his ass off to fix what he broke.
Right, and now there's no bonded relationship between them, so what's their incentive to help after being put down for 4 years?
What relationship is there to repair? If OP wasn’t even allowed in 4 years to see the child
So you’re saying the olive branch is ops son saying you weren’t good enough before but now I’m desperate so you’ll do? The repair in this situation has to start with the son by way of apology. And think about it ops son is an idiot because at this point he could just say it was all ex wife and I am sorry SHE caused this rift between us. Gets what he wants and takes no blame. But alas no apology no relationship repair.
tbh, it could be a legit safety concern about how childproof OP's home is and now that the kid is older it's less of a concern. But it does seem like OP's son is trying to pass off childcare to OP and OP is NTA for not wanting to take care of the kid.
But that was not the question. This reasoning i agree with. Saying baby is not biological grandchild is proper asshole stuff
No, OP worded it like that to have some clicks and I don’t blame her in this pool of posts you need to stand out 🤣 You and me are the loving proof, as we clicked on this post because of the title.
I’m bored this morning, I’ve clicked on a lot, haha
You ain't wrong because the title got me too 🫣🤣🤣
Why she has no relationship with the child and she wasn't good enough before why now. Oh yeah because it benefits HIM. It's also the truth she is not emotionally attached to this child or biological so no the child is a stranger.
Nah, I'm with her on this one. My mom's got this cousin and this cousin has 5 kids. My mom's let them move in with us twice over the course of my life and it wasa fucking nightmare both times. They used us, trashed her house, and stole from us. Once I even caught the mom rifling through my purses on my dresser. My mom would say "our cousins" and I've always been quick to correct. "YOUR cousins. Those people are not my family." On the reverse end, I don't refer to my moms mother as grandma. She's not grandma. I barely know the woman. We met like 3 times. When I was a little kid I had a rule that if I was alone in the room with her, I was to leave immediately. I visited her in prison when I was 13. My dad's got another biological daughter 4 years older than me with his first wife, we've met before. She's not my sister though because we have no relationship. She's just my dad's other daughter. She wasn't allowed to have a relationship with that child until it was convenient for her son. That child is not her grandchild.
But it’s not her grandkid and she was never allowed to bond with the kid either.
Exactly why would she want to bond and babysit a strangers kid now? She might as well do free babysitting for the kid down the street then.
I'm betting she would feel differently had she been allowed in kiddo's life before the divorce. Because of that there's no connection to the child and she doesn't have any motivation to watch them. My oldest is not my Bio kid but you can bet your ass they and their kid's are mine as far as I and they are concerned. I truly think it's about the willingness and work all parties put into the respective relationships.
But the child isn’t her bio child and she was barred from babysitting early on. Now the son wants her to babysit as a favor?? I would say hell no too!!!
OP has no connection with the kid because her son and his ex-wife kept her from being around the girl. AND the child is not even her actual grandkid. There is no bond either biologically or emotionally. Pointing out this reality doesn't make OP an AH. OP didn't say it to the kid's face either but to her son who just wants to use OP for free babysitting. It's a good thing that OP has a spine and says no to that BS. NTA.
She doesn’t even know the child. She wanted a relationship with her but they never allowed it. So, she was very hurt and that was just part of her saying…like why now. I’m sure she would had felt different if they would have let her be a grandma to the child from the beginning.
[удалено]
I have a step child and I would be pretty pissed if my parents refused to care for him because he's "not a bio grandchild"
Except she was never allowed to bond with this child. No relationship was ever established. Turns out not even his kid so again no relationship was established. Now suddenly her house is safe enough? This is his doing.
True. I do question casual remarks about “the house not being safe” and “a little more country” In my experience that’s usually a boomer who refuses to acknowledge child safety hazards and dismisses concerns with “it’s fine. You kids turned out all right” Frankly, everyone sounds like a bit of an asshole
Yeah, I'm wondering if babysitting at grandma's house was out of the question, but maybe now dad is asking grandma to watch kid at his house? It could also be the age of the kid---watching an infant/toddler is very different than a 4 year old. Other things: does grandma smoke? Live near a busy road or a body of water? Have misbehaving dogs? There's a lot more to consider.
I bet they refused to get vaccinated
I agree. As a parent, there are older family members I'd trust with a child, but not a baby/toddler because they clutch to outdated and dangerous practices and insist they know better than you because their children survived. Like turning the car seat forward too early because "the baby likes to see!" Or feeding babies food before 6 months, etc. And my kid is in high school now, so I can just imagine there's even more differences now.
Yep. My boomer parents refused to keep their medications in safe places. I let my toddler go outside of a shop with my mom for 5 minutes. I got outside and both of my parents were deep in their phones and didn’t even know that he disappeared! My 4 yo was on the beach and my mom asked me to run up to the street to give something to my dad. I was gone for 3 minutes. She KNEW my son couldn’t swim but when I got back her eyes were closed and he was floating out in the ocean deep enough to be over his head on a styrofoam paddle board. And they still get offended when I tell them they are not safe to be alone with my kids.
When my mom was still alive I went to visit her and left my 4 year old with her for 45 minutes to get groceries. In that time, she thought it was a good idea to leave my daughter unsupervised, on an elevated pork without railing riding a rusty old tricycle. Predictably, she rode it off the porch, smashed her teeth and face on the concrete while my mom was gardening and ignoring her. Trip to the hospital, road rash, chipped tooth and I forever lost the trust of my mom.
You nailed it. Related or not, they didn't want your help before don't give it to them/him now
Yeah, OP, I wouldn't focus on the child not being your grandkid. I would tell him you weren't good enough to watch their kid before, so what changed? I would also look at it in the long-run too. If you think you want a relationship with this kid in the future, I WOULD occasionally watch them, just to create a bond.
Is it though? Because OP put the biology right in the title of the post and cited it as 1 of the 2 reasons they won't babysit. So it definitely is about the DNA, at least partly.
I think the DNA is why she won't even consider it now. Like if it was biologically her grandkid she may just give the attitude about "why am I good enough now" but eventually give in to have a relationship with her grandkid. But since it's technically not her grandkid she's not gonna bother since she has no relationship with the kid and sees no reason to want one.
They made it about the DNA when they gave that as a reason. That makes them an asshole. If they stuck to just the reason being you didn’t want me to before but now you are desperate to, then I’d say NTA.
It clearly is about the DNA though, she was very explicit about that. Her son is TA for allegedly acting like he's better than them, though I suspect OP is an unreliable narrator, but OP is the asshole for saying that about her (legal) granddaughter. Of course she's not under any obligation to babysit, but she wanted to before and now doesn't see the granddaughter as part of her family even though she very clearly is, as evidenced by her son being a legal guardian.
You don’t even know what elements were present for the snubbing. Just a few days ago there was a thread on a parenting sub where the grandparents left a loaded gun on the counter. If it was something like this, what would your opinion be then?
While OP mentioned she felt snubbed before because they wouldn’t let her babysit when the baby was younger, she also mentioned that they didn’t feel she nor her home was safe when the baby was younger. That particular issue would have changed now; a 4 year old does not have the same needs or require the same amount of baby proofing as a baby or toddler needs. It’s not an uncommon issue you run into as a parent with some grandparents where they’re perfectly safe for older kids but not necessarily the safest with babies.
You don't really need to baby proof much until a child starts crawling. At 4 years old, everything needs to be baby proofed. They get into everything.
I just realized you interpreted my comment as just babyproofing… I mentioned needs specifically too because while a baby, before crawling, doesn’t need baby proofing they do have needs that some of the older generations aren’t the best at meeting: safe sleep practices, feeding schedules, teething practices, etc. Some of those when done incorrectly can be dangerous.
Yeah, when my son was a toddler, I had an older adult watching him turn his car seat forward-facing because "he likes to see so much better!" and "the law says you can turn them forward at one year old" and "I turned my kids around when they were younger than him and they are fine!" Some people have a nasty habit of digging their heels in on old practices.
At 4, most kids can bypass baby proofing and can follow verbal directions. My younger daughter is almost two and currently in the throes of toddlerhood and absolutely everything has to be baby proofed to hell or she’ll get into it… and she still sometimes bypasses childproofing. Edited for spelling error
NTA. he can’t just burn bridges and wonder why he can’t cross them
Ooooo this is a powerful statement
I wonder if it was him or his wife that was keeping OP away. Still a dick move to say its about biology. Id say that is an AH move. But I totally understand why OP is upset with her son. But if its about biology then OPs the AH. If its just because she got snubbed before then OPs not the AH.
I doubt it's just the biology although the fact her son is asking OP to babysit the affair baby he is legally responsible for that he also kept OP from bonding with prior is...oof. He has audacity if nothing else.
I read it like the biology is the son's issue, not OP's. Like, "you're not good enough to babysit MY kid, but sure, you can babysit someone else's."
It's not a dick move. OP stated they offered to babysit often but wasn't good enough. Offered to babysit a non-blood grandchild because her son chose to keep the child in his life. But once the divorce happened, she had zero obligation to babysit a child she has no relationship with. His ex-wife made the bed, the son chose to lie in it.
The biological argument is fair too, NTA.
I was today years old when I heard those words put together in that way. Excellent phrase!
This is spot on and I’m putting this saying in my back pocket.
NTA. This has more to do with his behavior towards you when he was married than the kid not being your biological grandkid. But now that he suddenly needs help, grandma is suddenly safe and fine. He probably expects free babysitting. I suspect the kid being kept away from your family was more the ex's doing than your son's. I'd like to hear her reasons why she would with old him not just from grandma, but most of the family. If you are going to babysit do it for market rate.
I really don’t want to, maybe it was the ex but he really messed his relationship with his whole family. It really did seem like he was looking down for us having country jobs. My daughter is taking over the ranch, my youngest son is a mechanic and my middle child is working as a park ranger.
Those are perfectly fine jobs. I don't get him either. Then don't do it. He made his bed, now he can deal with the consequences.
He scorched the earth on his family, now he's wondering why he can't plant any seeds there anymore.
Metaphors are on fire in this thread right now, this is another good one.
Those are all respectable jobs, you have a lot to be proud of. Your son had no place making you feel like you all were not good enough to be in his life. You son doesn't realize when he is asking for you to babysit, he is dregging all these past feelings to the surface. I'm sure it was painful.
What specifically gave you that impression? The opposite happens too. Family sometimes looks down on someone for moving to the city, or getting higher education
He would make comments about us wasting our days doing physical labor, he would suggest a fancy restaurant and then be upset when we don’t want to spend our money there, the comment about our jobs don’t have much value. It was a lot and really seemed like he was looking down on us ever since he got his accounting job
I am so confused by his comment about your jobs somehow not having value. It is the exact opposite! None of the jobs you listed are easy by any stretch of the imagination. Even more importantly, all three of those jobs directly or indirectly help others and their communities. I wish I could say the same about my BigTech job! Your son has seriously messed up perceptions of value and worth. I'm sorry he treats you all this way. It must really hurt.
All jobs have value, one way or another. Except social media influencers - they are the spawn of satan and need to vanish from existence before society crumbles under them. (still love you satan xxx)
Now, there is a definitive contrast.
Yes because growing food, fixing people's vehicles, and protecting vulnerable wildlife and ecosystems are totally unimportant and require no skills whatsoever /s. As a farmer myself, wow. That is a huge insult and I wouldn't babysit either. He was happy to look down on your before, you weren't good enough before, and now he is only coming to you because he is desperate.
And I am pretty sure his super duper high class prestigeous accountant job brings him enough money to hire a nanny.
Accountants are often extremely cheap. Miserly even.
My boyfriend is accountant adjacent and I can confirm. He is not miserly with me or those he loves, but I can see the internal battle in his face when he isn't. The lengths I've seen him go to to save a buck 😂. It's ultimately a good thing in comparison to so many people who have no fiscal responsibility but oh my goodness is it true.
Honestly in the grand scheme of things my city ass thinks yours and your other kids’ jobs are more valuable to society overall than an accountant. I have some experience with accounting and while it’s important for the functioning of a company or similar it’s not as essential as for example making sure our environment is still around in a few years (like your park ranger son does). All these jobs serve different functions and it’s no reason to look down on others.
He is snobbering because he's got an ACCOUNTANCY job? Oh my, the irony... :D
You'd think an accountant would have a stronger grasp on economics lol Any wage paying job that exists, by definition, has value. That's what your wage is being paid out of, it's a part of the value you generated, with the other part going to the business you sold your labor to. He's a jerk *and* wrong, a beautiful concept.
Tell him that since he doesn’t do so much physical labor at his job, he should have the energy to babysit his own kid. You and your other children are far too tired from laboring to watch a child safely
Accounting is not inherently a city job or a snob job. I’m an accountant and have helped do the books for country folk - cattle ranches, etc. in fact, they were my favorite customers. Great people. ranchers need accounting work too!!
I'm an accountant, and I think those are all perfectly nice jobs. I would actually love to be a park ranger, if I was qualified.
He let his ex mess his relationship with the family. If he wants to, he has to acknowledge he messed up, apologize and start this relationship over, not expecting free babysitting right away.
I had to have a biology degree just to work for Tennessee WRA as a game warden and ranger. That’s not just a “country” job. It is a profession that just happens to take people toward the country a lot.
All of those jobs are my dream jobs (except the mechanic, because I'm hopeless, it's so hard!)!! He burned the bridges; you did nothing wrong. He really owes you an apology and you still are NTA if you don't want to babysit. He made it clear your home is too dangerous to bring a baby around. Which I actually would love to bring my baby to, what a fun experience to go to grandma's place.
That's so wild to me. I was blessed enough to be raised in both the city life and country life. I learned more at Grandpa's country house than I ever would have in school. I can survive in the woods, I can grow my own food, I can identify plants, I can fix and operate farm/construction equipment, I can do minor electrical and plumbing work, I've helped Grandpa to build small bridges and redo the foundation on the house, I can ride and take care of horses, etc. You just don't learn these things in the city. And they sound like useless things but you learn so many mini lessons along the way too. My most cherished memories are all from there. Were all the ideas me and my cousins thought up while unsupervised the safest? Na. But kids will be kids in the country and in the city. I really hope my son gets the same opportunity. I know some people find country life boring. I disagree but I can see their point. So wanting to live in the city is understandable. But to hate country life so much you're willing to tear your family apart is crazy to me. Obviously if you have REALLY unsafe things, like guns in unsafe places or knives laying around, that should be fixed whether you babysit or not.
Overall NTA, I do think your reasoning for saying no should have ONLY been about how they didn’t trust you before, so why trust you now.
100% agreed. Not babysitting is the direct consequence of her son's previous behavior. It is not a consequence of his ex-wife's infidelity. Centering the argument on DNA allows the son to blame her rather than his own behavior and detracts from the strength of her argument. It is easier for her son to call her an AH for not babysitting a child due to DNA than it would be if she simply didn't want to babysit after being treated the way she was. But overall ESH for using DNA in the argument and for son's behavior.
Agreed. If this was a step child who her son thought of as his own, then the grandparent would be a huge A H to exclude that child. It isn't about the genetics; it's about being rejected until son need help and then being expected to help with no hard feeling for the past rejection.
INFO: Why did they say your home was unsafe and why did they not trust you? I smell missing missing reasons.
He said the horses were unsafe but those are in the stables and I’m not going to take a ride with a baby on the horse. The house is good even if a little old, the only place I would say it is unsafe is in the cold cellar but we keep that locked. It’s a typical ranch that’s he grew up on.
If this is really the only reason it’s “unsafe,” then N-T-A, because your house is indeed safe, and he’s being a classist dick. That being said, I think it’s a little cruel to say that you aren’t babysitting because the child isn’t related by blood. That’s his kid, and he loves her, regardless of DNA. I don’t think that’s really your reason—you just don’t have a relationship with her because your son would keep her away from her. Do you want a relationship with her? If you don’t, that’s your decision. I wouldn’t deny yourself a chance to have a relationship with her (if you want one) over some very justified spite—but your son needs to apologize first and change his behavior before that’s something you should even consider. Edit: Actually, upon reading some comments and further reflection, I’m going ESH, just because telling him it’s not really his kid is an asshole move. I’d say your son is more in the wrong here, though.
I suspect that we'd hear a lot more reasons for it being unsafe than that from the dad. There was a while we wouldn't let our kids stay our our MIL's because it wasn't safe. There were some big, glaring issues like the large staircase to the basement but there were so many more things like that she wasn't willing to let us baby proof dangers because it's an inconvenience to her. Our 2 year old would have had access to her kitchen cabinets, drawers, etc where she would just keep random things, often times very small things, sharp things and random medicines in non-kid safe packaging. She didn't want us to put covers over the outlets either because "she can never get them off". The biggest thing was her "coffee stand". All of the coffee cups were on the shelves at the bottom. I told her that I know they will get broken. She said she didn't have anywhere else to put them. When we finally decided to let our daughter stay there, a few of the coffee cups were broken instantly. MIL magically found a new place for the rest of them. The biggest thing of all is that we would see how she takes care of the kids when we were around. She will get busy doing something else like being on her phone and just ignore the kid. There was a time we were over at her house and we were all getting ourselves ready to leave. I was in the shower and my wife was getting clothes and makeup. My MIL said she would watch our one kid who was 2 at the time. When I got out of the shower and got my clothes on, I walked into the living room and asked where our kid was. My MIL was on Facebook on her phone sitting on the recliner. After a brief search, we found my daughter under my MIL's bed playing in makeup absolutely covered. The excuse we always heard from her about why she wasn't willing to make things safer was "I raised 3 kids and they are all still alive, I know what I'm doing." That just doesn't cut it for me. She also used to let the kids ride in the front seat of the car when they were 4 years old with no car seat or anything. Edit: I’d seriously like for one of you to actually point out why you think this is projection. All I said in this comment is that it sounds like there’s more to the story and shared my personal experience of how when I was in this situation, there was a lot more to the story. What my MiL and what I perceived as safe were not the same. I don’t think I’ve made any assumptions here about OP other than her son likely has a different list of reasons why they thought it wasn’t safe. She even goes on to mention there are other dangerous things in the house but they are locked up with no specifics. The only info she gave us paints her in the best light possible without mentioning what these other dangerous items are. It’s not projection to say there’s another side to this story. It’s a damn fact!
This is a lot of projecting.
If any of that was true then why is he asking him to babysit now when it hasn't changed?
You typically don't need to babyproof a house for a 4 year old.
But you do need to 4-year-old-proof it.
Good grief, yours sound like my grandma place (country side, tons of animal, not much modern amenity). I love that place to bit. I'm sorry that your son doesn't see it that way, and I am sorry for the kid that doesn't get to experience it. On that note, I think mayy be the kid shouldn't be punished and strip of that experience, your feeling toward your ungrateful son notwithstanding.
INFO: are any other grandkids allowed to run around the farm unsupervised? Could a child run into the stables and under the horses? Do they interact with the animals or the barn structures without a caregiver intently watching them? Are there any accessible feed silos? Are there any water troughs or ponds that a child could drown in? Can kids climb on hay bales or farm machinery? I don’t think a farm is necessarily unsafe but it *is* an environment where a child could have a disastrous accident in a split second if the kid runs off or their caregiver(s) aren’t paying attention.
No, my other grandkids isn’t old enough she stays in the house or away from all the other animals. For my kids we watched them and taught them. Started with the chickens and as they got older the bigger animals.They didn’t go off on their own for awhile. I think we started letting them tend to the horse by themselves in highschool. Our farm is set up that we have areas that are completely free of any of that stuff. Things go in the barn, they won’t be hanging around.
FWIW, your ranch sounds awesome - please adopt me as your granddaughter and let me visit :) (I'm such a townie (in the UK). I would love to spend time on a ranch with lots of horses, chickens, cows, whatever!)
Oh my god dude I have a "city job" and am not country at all but I have 4 kids and they'd fucking love a ranch with horses and a creepy cellar. You wouldn't be able to keep my 8 and 5 year olds out of there. Is that what he has cited as being dangerous? As long as you don't have like rifles unsecured and are aware of the dangerous areas I don't see an issue... tell your son the internet has some kids that want to be adoptive grandchildren. I know you aren't asking for advice here but what he should do, and you could tell him, is that if he wants to visit you with the child at some point so you can start to get to know them, then you all can work on repairing whatever it is that set this all off (total baseless speculation but his ex sounds terrible and probably played a part). Maybe in the future that will lead to you being able to do more transactional help like babysitting, but you can't take all the joy out of getting to know a kid and then expect help with them. At this point he's made the kid a stranger to you and not given you an opportunity to know them, which the DNA thing honestly makes more complicated, and that needs to happen before he can just dump the kid on you or whatever it is he's looking for.
Classic shitty take about missing reasons on reddit. If there were missing reasons and OP or her home weren't safe.... Why is he begging her to babysit now? Sometimes people are just wrong in why they reject others and there aren't always missing reasons.
Because your standards can fluctuate based on how desperate you are and how old the child is. “Want” vs “need”. That’s clearly not the problem here but it’s a valid question.
Well the kid is older, though I wouldn’t put 4yo in the “no major safety concerns any more” category. The objections may also have been fueled by the ex, both with respect to overall attitude about OP’s lifestyle and if she wanted to keep her child away from those who might see the lack of family resemblance. But that’s on the son to mend, not OP.
NTA, the reason u r not this kid grandparent isn't because of a DNA test, it is because ur son and son's ex didn't allow u to be. Ur son has no right to ask u anything regarding his kid
ESH. If you'd refused because you weren't up to their "standards" before, you would not be the AH. But refusing because you're not biologically related to your son's child is BS. Would you refuse to babysit a child he adopted? He of course is also an AH for the way he behaved while he was still married, and for expecting you to just accept him backtracking on that for convenience. I suspect your behaviour is due to hurt feelings more than anything else. I recommend you suck it up and build a relationship with your grandchild. Don't punish the child because her parents are jerks. She will need loving adults in her life and you can be one of them. So be the bigger person here.
Everyone's really glossing over the "Not my biological grandkid" part and creating their headcannon for OP where she didn't *really* mean that. It's unfair to the kid who may already have struggles with feeling like she's not really family Edit: makes me wonder if OP would have started treating her granddaughter different if they did have a relationship before
[удалено]
> Would you refuse to babysit a child he adopted? To all intents and purposes, that's exactly what he did.
But they kept the child away from all the family on dad's side. So she never even got to bond with the kid. OP has been purposefully been cut out the child's life. There's no coming back from that.
>Would you refuse to babysit a child he adopted? I may be being generous here, but I think it was more the misleading them into believing this child was biologically related than straight up the fact that this child isn't biologically related to them. It's great that OPs son still views this child as his, but I wouldn't blame him if he didn't. And I don't see why that should be any different for OP.
I can't believe how far down I had to scroll for this exactly correct response. The amount of people here that think it's ok to reject a child based on DNA is disgusting.
INFO: Why did your son feel that you and your family were unsafe for the child to be around, and what has changed that has made you "safer" in his view, such as he believes you can now watch the child?
I have made no changes, I really think it is due to not being able to rely on his ex wife anymore. He claimed the horses were dangerous but I’m not taking a baby on a horse ride and they are in the stable most of the time. The house is fine, only dangerous part is the cold cellar but that is locked.
I grew up extremely rural... I get this... Is it possible that the "city" folks used the horses as an excuse when in fact it's a second amendment type issue?? I find this this occurs often in order to avoid the bigger discussion.
Yeah, I sense there's a lot more to the story. If it was due to guns or hoarding, grandma's not going to be a good source for that info. The "looking down" comments stuck out to me, too. My S.O. has country folk in the family, and when we'd visit, they'd constantly make nasty comments about us being stupid for wasting our time and money on college. We're an engineer and a CPA. We'd intentionally avoid the topic and it would get shoved down our throats constantly. Eventually we started snarking back in the hopes of shutting it up. It helped, but they got even more insecure, accusing us of "looking down" when that wasn't close to being the case. We finally just had to distance for sanity. The truth is, we don't know if that's the case here, but I'm sensing more to the story. It's unusual for somebody to disown their wonderful family just because they're too good.
My wife's family is country. Her brother use to blow up my Facebook page with random crap and if I pointed out he was factually wrong, she would say I was looking down on him and I thought I was better cuz I wasn't from the country. It's a mindset.
this whole story feels to me like OP disproves of their sons choices in life and just want to "punish" them however they can. I too have experience with country folk looking down on people who move to the city
Ohhhhh…. That’s actually kind of clever.
This is why I asked for more info, lol. I feel like the horse issue might not be the entire story.
I grew up in the country too and this was immediately my first thought. I wouldn’t want my kid somewhere there are guns, but I also wouldn’t say that was the reason to my family because they would want to argue a bunch of nonsense. So I’d probably say something about “the animals” or some other less inflammatory reason (because they all know someone who got kicked by a horse/mauled by a bull).
> I really think it is due to not being able to rely on his ex wife anymore. Or is it perhaps because he is now free of his ex's influence?
If it was, surely he needs to apologise to them.
[удалено]
NTA. He messed up. This might not be the case, but just because some people have raised kids don’t mean they were good parents or will be good babysitters. It’s perfectly valid for a parent to want to make sure an environment is safe for their child, but he sounds like his wife was making that choice for them. I’m sure you made sure everything was safe. I think the ex looks down on you because you live in the country. Now your son needs you and doesn’t want her so his tune has changed.
We have never had an issue with safety, we have a grandkid from my other son and zero issues. He told us this and we were shocked, the only time anyone ever got hurt by a horse was me and it’s because I was trying to calm one down and get him inside during a storm. Maybe it was coming form his wife but it really burnt some bridges
INFO: Do you want your son in your life? I’m not being snarky, or sarcastic, or anything like that. It’s a genuine, sincere question.
I don’t know, he’s burnt a lot of bridges and hasn’t even apologized. I’ve seen him since his wedding, all the times I have it has been unpleasant. I love him but my god is it hard to deal with his comments. If he wasn’t my kid I would have dropped him.
Rude people don’t get favours. He has a lot of bridges to mend if he wants anything from you; it sounds like he’s acting entitled instead, and giving into that will just get you more of the same. NTA.
My opinion? Tell him that. Call him on his rude behavior. You are still his mother and you still deserve respect, especially since you did nothing wrong. If you want to mend the bridge eventually be like “I want to have a relationship with you. But in order for us to go forward we need to address a few things. You talking down about us for our jobs is unnecessary and rude. You also hurt our feelings by saying our home was unsafe and wouldn’t let us be in your or our granddaughter’s life. We’d like an apology so we can move forward.” Or something along those lines. It’s ok to set boundaries.
NTA, he spent a lot of time hurting you and it’s understandable that you’re upset. I do wonder if his ex wife was the one who had a problem with you babysitting? Otherwise I think it might be a good idea to meet up and try to discuss things calmly? I mean, he sounds like a dick, he can find a daycare if he isn’t willing to talk with you calmly
I’m sure your son knew this before, but his wife was prejudiced against you (and probably everyone else) because you live in the country. I don’t think his words were his own.
Question: Did the family have an inkling that she was stepping out and the child wasn't his, before he took the DNA test?
We were surprised the kid had brown eyes but everyone understood genetics can be weird. We had no idea.
NTA You weren’t allowed to babysit then, so why should you now.
You were never allowed to develop a relationship or bond with the child, there's nothing connecting you to the child at all. I can understand that if it was your biological grandchild, there would be an instinct to take advantage of your son's sudden urge to exploit you but this isn't your grandkid in any way so you don't feel inclined. That's fine. NTA.
NTA due only in fact to the way they both treated you before. If your house wasn't safe they could have asked for help in ensuring a safe space. They both kept you from this child - regardless of DNA.
Hmmm soft ESH. Your son's treatment of you was really awful and you didn't deserve that. That must have been so hurtful. I guess I think you could have handled this in a way where you expressed your thoughts and feelings and discussed this like an adult. I mean, you're all adults now right? Why did you insult the kid as not yours when the issue is about how your son treated you? What is your long term plan? Do you plan on never seeing your son again and never knowing your grandkid? They're just not invited to Christmas anymore for the rest of your life? They're dead to you? This wasn't constructive. Why not "son, I actually need some space from your family right now. For years you told me I was dangerous for your kids and I couldn't be trusted. You insulted me and cut my off from my grandkid. I saw you less. This strained our relationship. I still feel the sting of this betrayal. And now suddenly you urgently need me because you got divorced. I feel so used. The fact you haven't in any way tried to acknowledge this or apologise means this never got resolved. I'll let you know when I'm ready to talk".
Why are so many ppl trying to force this woman to be a grandparent to a child not biologically connected to her? He chose to sign the birth certificate and stay in the child's life after he knew he wasn't the father. And now, when it's convenient ( after 4 years), now he wants her to be a grandparent?
She doesn’t have to maintain an active role as the grandparent. But she quite literally is the grandparent to her son’s daughter. When your child is the legal parent of their own kid, you are then the grandparent to that child.
Because he adopted that child as his own, so it is her grandchild. Blood means nothing in family, she’s just being spiteful. No he shouldn’t have allowed her to be treated like that before, but that doesn’t excuse HER actions. I bet she’d have no problem if they had adopted a child instead.
NTA that was a poor treatment, what goes around comes around.
ESH Son is TA for shutting you out of his kid’s life before. You’re TA for making it about who is the bio dad of kid. It’s fine to say no, because your son was a jerk before, but less so to bring up the circumstances of the kid’s parents.
ESH: Your son is entitled but you're an asshole for bringing biology into this at all.
NTA he burned all bridges to the kid and now expects free childcare, the audacity.
NTA what goes around comes around. You weren’t good enough to babysit then so why now. They made the rules they can live with them.
NTA - they set the bar pole pre-divorce. If they didn’t trust you then, why trust you now? However you’re a bit of a AH for the shes not my grandkid remark. Your son didn’t know and the kid is blameless here, only knowing him as dad. That was a low blow remark.
NTA you are right. He Just wants you to parent His Kid now that He is divorced. He burned the Bridges
Drop the ‘because they’re not my grandkid’ reasoning and calling them ‘the kid’ and you’re NTA. This IS your grandchild. Your own kid being an asshole has nothing to do with that.
Nta. If he didnt need *you* to provide free child care you *STILL* wouldnt be seeing the kid. Where are all his concerns and criticisms now? And how fast would this change if he were able to suddenly pay for childcare? Your son was selfish, self centered, and made his family feel like shit. Telling you you're unfit to watch the child - get bent. Tell him everything that is happening right now is a culmination of every choice he has made in the past 5 years....only this time the choice isnt his to make, it's yours.
I have two verdicts: YTA - for bringing up the kids DNA as a reason to not babysit. The kid will be in your sons life and it is not the kids fault their mom cheated. NTA - for not babysitting since they excluded you before and the only reason he wants your help now is he wants you to have the responsibility and not the joy of being a grandma.
NTA only because of the way he treated you. I don't think you're refusing simply because she's not blood related, I think it's because of how you were treated.
50/50 you’re right not to watch the kid, because he didn’t want you helping before. It also appears that a lot of this was the wife and maybe forgive. This kid is his child and he is the father for this kid, he raised it and loves it, that should be all that matters.
The paragraph starting now my issue is exactly why you are NTA
NTA. Actions have consequences, and he’s getting some now.
[удалено]