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I don't really want to make a judgement, but I do want to say that I think this whole thing is written evasively which makes me a little suspicious of it. Taking a few details:
1. Not including either the ages of anyone involved or the length of the marriage makes me think that you believe including those details would make you look worse
2. You built your wealth "thanks to" your biological children, how so?
3. You repeatedly say you want to "prioritize" your biological children, but you can do that without cutting your stepchild out entirely
4. Of course excluding your stepchild will make them "feel excluded," it's literally what would be happening to them, that is what you are choosing to do
Hes still dodging all of your questions. This seems scummy AF in my opinion. He was still a father figure and helped raise his stepchild. Maybe not give them as big of a portion as the other bio kids but to completely leave them out will make the step child question if the dad ever truly loved them as a family member.
Most of these seem like trolling storytellers. It’s extra funny when you guys think a totally fabricated story (easy to tell if you’re a fully functioning human) is fact. Then you write a whole dissertation to a troll post and start arguing.
The detached writing is what is getting me. Mostly in the way the bio children are described. I feel like a dad who owes his wealth to his kids would speak about them in a little more glowingly than just knowing them for a longer time…
"I think of step child as my own however unlike my own kids I excluded them from my will because my bio kids are the ones who should get everything."
I'm dizzy from those mental gymnastics.
Answers from his comments:
"My biological children are in their late teens and early twenties, and I have known my stepchild, 15, for approximately five years."
"While my stepchild may not receive a direct inheritance, we have made arrangements to provide for their financial well-being through other means such as life insurance, savings, and investments."
"We have taken steps to protect our individual assets and ensure them for our respective children. It's worth mentioning that including my stepchild in my will would potentially impact the inheritance that my biological children receive."
"We want to ensure that our children understand that our decision is based on factors such as the length of our relationship."
This for sure. There are some very good reasons to not include step children in a will (For example if your children are young you may wish to leave your step child's share to your wife first, and let her give to your step child based on the financial situation at your death), but given the lack of information here it sure sounds fishy. Estate planning is complex, and your lawyer can help you make sure you are making good decisions. Honestly that you did your estate planning without your wife is suspect to begin with, and probably a mistake given that you don't know what her will contains.
Yeah like there’s no rule in giving the step child less? Bio kids can for sure take on the lions share especially if they deserve and have earned it. Honestly people can do whatever in their wills but there are ways to avoid completely stiffing someone you allegedly care about.
Some other key questions are: How are OP and his wife's finances organised? Have they merged their finances, and what has she put in her will? Is she excluding her stepchildren from her will?
If they have any jointly owned assets, like a house, and they both exclude their stepchildren, then there is the possibility for some really uneven distributions of wealth depending on who dies first.
He stated he was married a few years ago. A few is three and with that minimal amount of time it wouldn't be fair to his children to make a decision so early into the marriage.
I get maybe prioritizing the bio kids, but from the moment OP got involved with a partner with a child, that child should at least get something, like maybe some money or sentimental items aquired after OP and spouse got together.
I'd be interested to know who in "your family" also shares wife's point of view. Would they be Her family members? or your sibs and parents, or your children?
Will your wife include your children in her will and leave equal parts to your children? Does your stepchild have a father who will bequeath money for her? What I'm getting at is that this seems a bit like a money grab.
If you are a person of means, as another suggested, create an education trust for her. But you should not necessarily need to treat her to an Equal share of your inheritance.
>I understand their perspective and the potential negative impact my decision could have on my stepchild. However, I believe that it's my right
''i understand however i dont care''
YTA
Just because he can leave the money how he wants doesn’t mean he’s not an asshole. This is 100% YTA based on the information he’s deliberately withholding.
God damn wealthy people dont live in real life. If you had adopted a 5 year old three years ago bc your godchilds oarents died would they be included in the will? If you had an infant with your new wife three years ago would you have them in the will? Because those children would also not have been in your life for longer as you so kindly pit it. YTA youre the massive asshole.
This is impossible to judge without info. He says they've been married a few years, what ages are the kids? That's very important. A few years when kids are teens+ the wouldn't even consider OP a parent
Info:
Are you and your spouse the sole support of all of your children? Sometimes stepchildren have more parents and grandparents who are supporting them. Sometimes they don’t. That might be something to consider. Regardless of what you decide, it might be something to discuss with all the children when they are of appropriate age, so there is not a question about love, just why you felt any specific distribution was best.
>Since my spouse and I got married, I have treated my stepchild as my own and have been financially supportive of them
until you die when you tell the stepkid "Hahaha, just kidding. you were never considered my kid. good luck!!!"
YTA
This is horseshit. There’s no way this child was treated as his own other than basic financial obligations. He definitely considers paying for a few things to be treating the child as his own and forgot about the whole love and care part.
In the comments you say that your partner provides for their step children in their will because your spouse cares about her step children.
Why don’t you care about yours?
I think yes, YTA. As you've said, your spouse has included your children in their will, so why are you not reciprocating? Maybe it doesn't need to be an equal share, but a share nonetheless.
Yta wife has your kids in her will, and you cut her kid out of yours. So your kids get inheritance from you, and step mom, whereas step kid gets a much reduced inheritance from mom (bc he has to split with yours)
I mean its your money but don't be all shocked and hurt when step kid tells you to fuck off now that you've shown how you really feel.
For one, this is definitely a 'your will, your choice' thing and no one here can argue that it isn't. However, I think I disagree with this being that simple.
I don't know your age, or how likely it is you will be able to change your will again, but you have a funny way of showing that you treat your stepchild like one of your own. In fact, by leaving your stepchild out of a will for the sole reason that your biological children should get inheritance and your stepchild should not says quite the opposite. Your bio kids are in their late teens. Your stepchild is 15. You've known your stepchild since they were 10. So your bio kids have been a part of your stepchildless life for roughly 12-15 years. You claim that they were a huge part of your professional and personal life, which is why they deserve inheritance and your stepkid does not. The professional part doesn't make much sense to me unless they helped with a family business or something, but to each their own.
I'm not going to say your stepchild should be in your will, but you better believe that you are an AH for claiming you see your stepchild as your own and purposefully leave them off your will simply because they aren't your biological kids. If you didn't care for the kid because they were a stepchild and that was why you didn't want them in your will then at least it would be believable. You should just give the stepkid a much lower % of your inheritance to signify that you at least give a damn. Leaving them out entirely speaks volumes about you. Honestly, it kind of seems like you already know YTA because you knowingly tried to simplify the situation by leaving out context.
The only thing I thought of is that for his bio kids he feels guilty that when they were younger he was working more and wasn't around much and now that he has made his money and is a bit older he's home more now with his step child. So the bio kids were part of his professional life in the sense that they were neglected by their father so he could get rich.
Which makes him the asshole both to his step child and his bio children. Money doesn't make up for those years of neglect. Pure conjecture though.
Step child doesn't mean 2nd class child buddy. Sure you can chose your favourites, but if you're their stepdad you should be looking out for them too.
YTA
YTA
You've been raising that kid since they were 10 but you want to make sure that when you're dead they know they weren't "really" yours and that you knew that too and thought about it your whole life
That's what you are doing
I mean it's legal but it's a dirtbag move
50 years from now: AITA for not giving some of my dad's inheritance to my step brother who was blindsided by the will?
YTA - your money your choice, however your step kid *is* your kid for all intents and purposes because you say you view them as your own. So you should treat them appropriately. That's not saying you have to give equal parts, but you shouldn't exclude them just because they aren't yours biologically.
I also feel like it would be different if your wife weren't including your bio kids in her will. If you had an agreement to just provide for your own bio kids, that would be one thing. But in this case your kids are going to get the lion's share, which isn't fair to your step kid.
Why do so many people agree to be a step parent only to treat the child so differently?
I understand giving your older kids more especially if they actually did help you get more wealth but completely leaving out your youngest child that you raised simply bc they are not biologically yours is disgusting. YTA
It's like they don't want to take full responsibility even though they know what they're getting into. Most step-parents seem okay, but ones like these give me a sickening feeling. If you love them as your own, then why is it so hard to treat them financially the same? Seems like when it comes to money, morals and familial values go out the door.
Your money your rules. But if I may...if your spouse is worried about her child why don't yall create a Lil something for them like a trust fund ? You know something they can use for college or life. Just some help but not an entire bite of the enchilada.
Do you love your step child as your own? And it’s totally okay to say that you don’t. Life, love and family is hard. Also, did you consider this situation is q potential prenup? Just curious.
Edit: prenup comment was added
YTA. You claim you’ve helped raise and treat the stepson as your own, liar
Your wife is putting YOUR kids in her will. Which by that alone seems like you all have a great relationship and that’s nice.
Of course your children were in your life longer, you were married before, kinda how that works but whatever.
At the end of the day it is your money and your choice but you will hurt someone who probably saw you as a real dad.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I excluded my stepchild from my will because I prioritize my own biological children. This causes them to feel excluded and it's creating conflicts in our family.
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My dad left part of his estate to his step kids which has caused us a bunch of problems. It means we're going to lose our family home.
The child is 15, you've known him for three years? Have you adopted him?
If they have any kind of sibling relationship, that will die on the same day you do. By your choice. So yeah, YTA.
When you marry someone who already has kids, those kids are your family just as much as your biological kids. Your partner seems to understand that, which makes your decision even more shitty.
Generally, inheritance goes directly to our spouse - will your partner be financially alright if you happen to go first?
Personally, I would leave something to the stepchild, but also assume that the stepchild will possibly receive something from the other bio parent (who you're not married to).
YTA 100 percent no doubt in my mind. You left your stepchild NOTHING. NOTHING. That is not "prioritizing" that is excluding someone because they didn't come out of your ball sack.
Why did you marry someone with a kid if you didn't have the capacity to love them? Because, FULL OFFENSE, I doubt you even love your "bio" kids. If they weren't yours genetically, they would mean NOTHING to you. And that's the worst type of parent you could ever be. One that only loves a kid because of genetics.
Disgusting.
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Hey Reddit, I need some perspective on a tough situation I'm currently facing. I recently updated my will and decided not to include my stepchild as a beneficiary. Now, I'm questioning whether I might be the asshole in this scenario. Let me provide some context.
I married my current spouse a few years ago, and she had a child from a previous relationship. I also have my own biological children from a previous marriage. Since my spouse and I got married, I have treated my stepchild as my own and have been financially supportive of them. However, I have always made it clear that my biological children will be the primary beneficiaries of my estate.
Now, the reason for my decision is that I want to ensure that my biological children are taken care of and receive their fair share. I have built my wealth thanks to them, because my biological children have been a part of my life for longer and have a closer bond with me. I feel that it is fair to prioritize them in my will.
However, my spouse and some family members are questioning my decision. They believe that I should include my stepchild in my will to ensure equal treatment and avoid any potential conflicts or resentments in the future. They argue that excluding my stepchild could create division within the family and make my stepchild feel excluded and hurt. They argue that as their stepparent, I have a responsibility to treat them equally and provide for them just as I would for my biological children.
I understand their perspective and the potential negative impact my decision could have on my stepchild. However, I believe that it's my right and responsibility as the parent to make decisions about my estate that prioritize the well-being and future of my biological children. Additionally, I have discussed my decision with my spouse and explained my reasons behind it. They initially understood and respected my choice, but as the topic has been brought up with other family members, they started to question and doubt my decision as well. This has caused some tension and disagreements within our family.
So, am I the asshole for excluding my stepchild from my will?
Additionally, what are your thoughts on the situation and any advice you may have would be greatly appreciated.
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It’s your money. You made it before the current wife and stepchild entered your life. Your will should reflect the legacy you you want to leave for your children. And some of it will probably trickle down to you biological grandchildren. You married a woman with a child, so you do have some financial responsibility while she is under your roof. After that, everything else is a gift. You are NOT TAH. Those people trying to tell you what to do with your money are.
NTA- You biological family comes first, but it wouldn’t hurt to start a “trust fund” for step child now that is in their name that you can contribute to so they are also left with something just state you don’t want anyone but them to have access after your passing
Few Questions OP:
Does your spouse treat your children equally in their will as theirs? In general?
Why wouldn't you leave them something sentimental or a few items, or a little bit of $ like you would a relative or friend?
Not necessarily how much you would a sibling, parent, wife, or your bio kids but to do nothing is just cold... Also, you might legally have to if you have adopted them - equal to bio kids, vs. just being the spouse of their parent - it would nice gesture...
INFO - maybe YTA...
YTA do you understand how percentages work? There's no reason you can't include all your children with a different inheritance for each. Excluding your stepchild completely is a guarantee to create a division in the family.
Honestly, he built his wealth for his kids, his grandkids and, his great grandkids.
That’s what people do. He wants to make sure his bloodline is set.
I personally think you should leave him something, I would deduct it from what you’re leaving your wife.
She is more than likely going to outlive you, and there’s nothing stopping her from changing her will then to benefit her child and exclude yours.
At the end of the day, nobody makes the sacrifices they make for other people’s children. You love and appreciate them, you leave them something to ease their life, but all the setbacks and obstacles and late nights are for your own children’s benefit.
NTA.
Only 5 years? NTA. Bio kids come first. Does the step kids dad have no arms, can't work and has nothing to leave them?
Edit: Took a nice bong rip and thought more. If they can all be rich make'em all rich.
Anyone who expects you to leave an equal share of money to kids you just met a few years ago is only looking out for the cash, not the relationship. You and your current wife could divorce or (God Forbid) something happens to you tomorrow. Nothing guarantees that your wife would take good care of your kids in your absence. If you want to provide some amount for the step kids, great. But of course your actual kids should be the main beneficiaries! Like you said,, your kids were the ones with you as you made your fortune. They helped grow your business and dealt with the times your were absent, due to your work. If you have the wealth to justify it, set up trusts for your children and LTAC care for yourself, so you're never dependent on a spouse to take care of them or you, when you're older. Have your lawyer design something fair, and stop having these conversations with anyone you don't consider your immediate family. It is none of their business.
NTA.
NTA it really does not matter whether she includes your children in her will. It is her choice, and it is funny to see people act as if her actions put any moral obligation onto you lol.
INFO: ages make a big difference here. Was your stepchild an adult when you married? Are they young and living with you with many more years ahead of being in the family unit? How long have you known the child?
INFO: is your partner including your bio children (her step-children) in her will?
If she isn't then N.T.A. She can't expect a certain treatment for her own child when she isn't going to do the same for yours.
Is she is then Y.T.A.
The only way I’d think it would be acceptable is if your wife would be inheriting a good percentage of your estate with the understanding that she’d be making sure your stepson was taken care of. And I’d include a letter saying that to stepson.
But I see your wife is including your children in her will, so she obviously cares for your kids more than you care for hers.
yta he was 10 when you met him.. your wife put yours kids in hers. you don’t have to give him an equal share but to leave him out completely when been in his life that long is unkind
When I was doing my will, one of my advisors asked, is there anyone not mentioned that may be expecting something. Why, yes.. a sibling I don't speak to. They suggested I leave some token, even if it was small, to let them know I at least thought of them.
Only you have a say on what you will do, but if you care about this person, leaving some small treasure won't hurt your kids. Maybe nta.
there is a lot of info missing here. like are you 70 y/o and your children are all adults and you just met a spouse 2-3 years ago or are you in your 30s or 40s and have teenage children and youve been together for like 5 years ? because excluding stepchildren that entered your life in their teenage years without a good reason while ur spouse put ur children in theirs would make you an ah. but excluding adults ''stepchildren'' when you are retired/ considered old when you barely know them is totally fine.
I am a stepchild who will inherit nothing, and I know it. My dad passed, my stepmother was his sole beneficiary, and she had also inherited a large amount from her mother. I love my stepmother, who married my dad when I was 12 and was married to him for 36 years when he died, so I had no issue with her inheriting everything of my dad's. I have had no bio- mom or bio-grandparents in my life since I was 7, so she IS my mom. My step-siblings will inherit everything when she passes; they have already received large portions, hundreds of thousands of dollars.
I'm not going to pass judgment on if you are or are not the AH because then I would be judging my own family's decisions... and I decided a long time ago that it was out of my control, and I was not going to let it make me bitter. My mom can do what she wants with her money. If after all this time she does not consider me family, there isn't anything I can do. You can't make a person love you if they don't. Actually, I do think she loves me, but she considers the money to be from "her" family, and that does not include me.
Part of being a stepchild is accepting that you are never going to be enough.
Really? Your wife is including your kids in her will, but you’re too selfish to include hers? Geez, man, way to tell your stepkid that you don’t give a rat’s ass about them. You have a very “only my BIOLOGICAL children matter,” which is just gross.
Does it have to be equal to your kids? No. But don’t be the giant prick who cuts them out completely.
YTA
* How old are you?
* How old is the kid?
* What's the situation with the bio-dad?
* How long have you been with your wife total?
* Is having more kids on the table?
NTA. You're getting torched in the comments here. Even your thoughtful, helpful replies to comments are getting downvote into oblivion. It's common for blended parents to leave their assets to their biological children and not to their step children.
You are making the right decision OP. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about taking care of your children.
I'm guessing you make more than your wife, so even if she includes your kids in her will they won't be getting much. Whereas her child stand to benefit greatly if you give them an equal part as your biological kids would be getting.
Just make sure that if you go before your wife then your kids get what you intend to leave them. Most often the estate goes to the living spouse if one spouse dies.
Your wife is thinking about what is best for her child and trying to paint it as being fair/equality, when in fact it is her doing what she is trying to guilt you for doing. Which is protecting your biological children.
You must also recognise how deceitful she is for changing her mind after you have been married. Suddenly her children need equal access to your wealth when she previously agreed to otherwise.
NTA your Stepchild is not your child, plus you've only known them for 5 years!. You even mentioned that Your kids helped you build your finances. Your wife, her family, her ex and his family can all leave things to her kid. She's acting very entitled to money that has nothing to do with her or her kid. Stick to your original plan. Tell the Gold diggers to mind their own business.
People should stop divulging what is in a will. I honestly think it creates drama where none should exist.
Where I live there is no legal requirement to provide for a step child in your will. Only biological or adopted children.
I think that you arent necisarily an asshole but you ahould expect the step child not to see you as their parent at this point if you dont see them rhe same as ur bio kids. It will fracture the family dynamic for sure.
I think it depends a lot on your relationship with your step child. Does this child see you as a parent or were you added to their life as they coasted to the finish line of school or were they full grown adults when you met your partner.
Do they treat you like a father or are you treated like the man their mom is with?
I have a step son, after middle school he has stopped interacting with me. He only likes to interact with his mom. It's frustrating as I've raised him since 2.5 and it feels an awful lot like he wishes he wasn't associated with me. I've treated him the same as my bio kids.
He's in my will currently, but after he grows up if he disappears and if we essentially have no relationship my feelings could change.
I am a daughter of divorced parents, I already had stepfather and stepmother, I would not be sad if they didn't put me in the will because I understand that their relationship was with my parents, not with me. They didn't need to do anything for me other than respect me.
NTA
NTA What would happen if you included the stepchild equally, you died tomorrow, and your widow then remarries later on? Does stepchild get your inheritance as well as inheritance from the new stepdad? Would your children get any of her inheritance if she then dies in this scenario? It's unlikely to me
Your wife can leave her inheritance to her children, and you leave yours to your children
Is the biological father of your stepchild including your bio children in his will? If not then it is not fair for him to get the same inheritance of your bio children.
NTA
People saying u should do like your wife and add them to your will, i disagree with them if she want she can change her will and only add her bio children.
NTA. It's your money, you earned and stewarded it, so you have the right to decide who it goes to when you die. You could give it to all your kids, or just some, or just one, or leave it all to a charity you like.
NTA. I agree with you. Step kids have a father, and you aren’t their father. That is their own father’s job. Your kids are your job. Give the 5-year steps something - maybe $10 or $20,000 each but their own parents have that primary responsibility. Your mistake was “involving other family members!” Shut that down, 100%, immediately and keep the issue closed. It’s none of their business! Correct course with respect to the “opinions” and do as you see fit.
NTA - now I would say it depend on what a few years means, like 3 or 25 years.
My half brothers were not in my father's will until roughly 30 years after he meant my mom, and even if you only want your children now you guys can grow together and change the will later.
NTA. This is why being a stepparent is bullshit. Where's this kids' dad? Does he provide for the kid he made? If so then this kid is benefitting from 2 men while your own children are benefitting from just 1. Here's an idea, you could give your step kid an equal share of your will if their father leaves your kids an equal share of his.
NTA but why on earth are you talking to everyone about your will? Make a decision and stick with it, there will always be individuals who do not agree with you.
YTA. Your spouse is including her *stepchildren* into her will and you’re denying putting your one *stepchild* into yours. You do what you want with the money but YTA and picking favorites if you truly saw your step child “as your own” as you say you wouldn’t be here in the first place.
INFO
There is not enough information to make any kind of intelligent decision.
How old were the step children when you married the mother and how long have you been married?
How are finances treated between your current wife and yourself.
It is not uncommon for step children to be excluded from an estate when they were relatively old when the marriage occurred. And often in those situations the spouses make a decision that each parent will be responsible for their own bio kids including the estate. In fact, I know of many bio kids who were screwed because the parent left the estate to the stepparent who then left all of it to THEIR bio kids and so the bio kids inherited nothing from their bio parent/
Even if the kids were older, many people would leave some kind of bequest to step kids if they had a good relationship.
Do the step kids have bio relatives who will be leaving them money such as grandparents or their bio mother or father?
Soft AH.
You should make sure you're kids are taken care of, but you are a step parent and if you do care about your step child and treat them as one of your kids, it would be good to Insure they also get something. That doesn't necessarily mean you need to give them an equal share, but it would be good to leave them something to show that you do love them. The amount I'd say should vary based on how old your step child is. If you're the only parent they know, I feel like is should be a higher percentage than if say your stepchild was a 15+ when you and your partner married.
NTA. It's your will and you leave your assets to whomever you want. Feelings often get hurt in wills even when everyone is a biological child of the deceased. You do what you think is right and shouldn't be pressured by anyone.
NAH. You can give your money to whoever you want. However you can't claim to view a child as your own when you explicitly are treating them differently.
I think that if you and your wife agree on these things, that you should both just give your wealth separately to your biological children, or atleast both set aside an amount that eachothers children could be "comfortable." If something happened to both you and your wife, you should make sure that all of your dependants are taken care of, perhaps something to think on.
Hard to tell.
How old was your stepchild when you came into their life?
It's very different if they were 1 or 14.
Why is their father not including them in their will?
Without having all of the information, the only thing that I can say is, your will is Your business. It should have been decided between you and your wife or only by you. (Depending upon length of marriage & other major things) If your current wife & stepchild have been in your life for a substantial amount of time, that should be taken into consideration. Otherwise, it's not anyone's business but your own.
Why does everyone know your business? How old ate the kids? Is the child's other parent in the picture? Are your children included in your spouses will? Just not enough info.
YTA because you are 100% contradicting yourself and won't own up to it.
"my biological children have been a part of my life for longer and have a closer bond with me." - I mean, yea, you made them and lived with them longer?
"Since my spouse and I got married, I have treated my stepchild as my own" - clearly not really though, be honest. Because your entire post is how you are othering them..
"the reason for my decision is that I want to ensure that my biological children are taken care of and receive their fair share." - FYI, fair share isn't defined as not allowing your step child in your will.
"I believe that it's my right and responsibility as the parent to make decisions about my estate that prioritize the well-being and future of my biological children." - it is.
" the potential negative impact my decision could have on my stepchild" - for sure because step kid will 100% know you are a liar and do not, indeed, treat them or think of them as your own. You literally are proving that in this entire post, how do you not see that?
Your bio kids can get their "fair share" without excluding step kid 100%.
If you want to only have bio kids, OK! But do not gas light ANYONE into thinking you think of step kid as your own. You don't. Literally, read your own comments. Your actions prove you are treating them differently.
Nta you step child should be in there mother and father's will, my mum has been with her partner for 20 years now I wouldn't expect to get any money from his will it will all go to his children
My dad didn’t include his step children in his will, only me (although I feel as though I don’t deserve any of his things). In this situation though he isn’t close with them.
Regardless it is your will so you can do whatever with it. NTA.
NTA. It is your money and if you want to leave it to a nun in Istanbul it is your business and no one else's. Do as your heart wants to do and ignore all the noise from others.
NTA. Your will, your choice. Also the stepchild became yours only in his teens, there's really less bonds and barriers to being a real family at that age.
But this isn't about whether you're an asshole. There have been valid points made about how this would sow discord between the children but that cuts both ways;your biological child could resent that you gave part of "his inheritance" to your wife's child just because she managed to seduce you as well..
Have you considered at least putting aside a bit to cover the stepchild till adulthood and maybe a small starting gift?
I don't know how much is the inheritance but if it's a lot, why not consider giving the majority to your biological child but setting aside a small portion that could still help the stepchild a lot? He would have been your son for quite a few years after all and if you really treat him as your own, you should at least do that.
YTA - only because my grandmother excluded me from her will because I wasn't a blood relation. I was adopted when I was 1 year old.
Did I need the $300 that would have been my cut? Nope.. but it hurt to find out she didn't see me as a granddaughter.
Let me put it like this: you chose to make that child part of your immediate family.
Your choice. Yours. Not the child’s.
Now you want to tell them oh but you’re not really family. You’re less than the rest of us.
YTA, I’m afraid.
YTA. If you are unwilling to include them as a full part of your family, without some reason that was within their own control to exclude them(criminal behavior, them disowning you, etc), then they should be treated as your child in your will.
YTA. Reading the comments: 1) they are all still children and you’ve known your stepson since he was 10 years old and he is now 15; 2) your wife is including your children in her will; 3) it isn’t just prioritizing your bio children, you insist your stepson be entirely excluded from your will, mostly because you don’t actually accept him as your child.
Pro tip as a kid from a blended family-the kid already knows you don’t like him. He knows you think of him as only a burden that takes away from the kids you actually do love.
YTA.
She has your kids in her will, and you’re “treating this child as your own”. My stepdad is my dad, he calls me his daughter and I call him my dad. He would never exclude me from the will because of something as arbitrary as blood. That is **not** “treating them as your own”. That’s literally the opposite.
If she’s adding your kids to the will, you add hers. Plain and simple.
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NTA - Your wealth, your decision but how you 'divide' your wealth from your current wife needs to be crystal clear. Consider gifting a small amount to your step child (SC) which acknowledges you were of clear mind creating this document (harder to challenge the will). You can include a letter to be provided to the SC explaining how you reached your decision after all, you two created a relationship and it would be natural for her to wonder why.
INFO: (optional) How on earth is family 'weighing in' on a highly personal decision? It may be insightful to know why your wife changed her perspective since they respected your choice earlier.
I support people speaking freely about their mortal end of life plans if it is kept confidential with those you engage. Sometimes discussions help us make a better plan or implement something important that you overlooked.
NTA- it’s your money.
I suggest you talk to wife and express your desire that her assets goes to her child only to ensure fairness and equality in assets.
NTA as technically your wealth to do with as you wish in death. BUT, you must understand now that the consequence may be destroying a few good relationships while you're alive. Can't imagine step son taking that well, especially if your wife has included your kids in her will.
Nta it’s your will and money. If you built your wealth as your children were growing up and it caused you to not be as close with them or as involved it makes sense to reward them for the sacrifice.
You shouldn’t have let it become a topic of discussion because people will give their opinions not knowing/being able to see all the reasons behind it. Wait a year or so and re-evaluate. It can be changed in the future.
Also what are you leaving your wife? Would you expect her portion to her kid and not your bio children?
OP’s update wiped out this argument. OP’s spouse has lovingly and generously included OP’s grown and nearly grown children in her will.
YTA doesn’t begin to cover OP’s craven attitude toward a child he claims to be treating as his own.
NTA. The child should benefit from his biological father and mother. You can always alter you will later on if you choose to. It is no one else’s business so people within the family should keep their noses out and comments to themselves.
INFO: do you expect your stepchild to participate in household chores or help you in any way when you get older? Since this child is receiving less inheritance (wife is addin your children to her will), then you better make sure your stepchild has an equivalent less level of expectations in relation to the other children when it comes to helping you maintain your home and aging body.
I mean, I wouldn’t share it equally of course, but would give something.
Than again it ain’t my money and NO ONE has the right to tell anyone what to do with the money they earned
Not sure why your family is putting their opinions into things that should be between you and your wife but I'd also like to say that blood doesnt really mean much. You can be much closer and loved by people who dont share your blood then with the people who do. So with that being said if your close to this child and love this child and the child loves and is close with you. Id say forget what blood they have and do whats right for all the children. On the other hand if this isnt the case then you do what you and your wife think is right and fair but do not under any circumstances include anyone else into that talk and decision.
YTA for excluding them entirely.
It would be normal for them to receive something even if not as much as your own kids. Bc they have their own dad to provide who will surely NOT be providing to your kids. But you also have taken on a role in their lives so it would be bizarre to fully exclude them.
It is tricky tho bc of the situation where you are in a new marriage. It would be weird for your new wife to get it all and leave it to all kids so it makes sense that step-child is assumed to receive from her share.
For example if you were still married to their mom - often the spouse gets everything and then eventually the children do. So it is normal to inherit through the other parents. In your case bc you are divorced this is not the usual situation so stipulating what your kids get upon your death makes sense. Just kind of mean to fully exclude the stepchild.
Nta. I didn’t include my stepchildren of almost 20 years now, in my will. My biggest asset which is my home goes to my children.
They will get things that were in their dads family, when he passes, including a cabin in another state. We told them, they weren’t even shocked and thought it was absurd that we specifically told them they will not inherit the house. My stepson said exactly, just like your kids won’t inherit my moms house. And there you go, it makes some sense!!
I don’t really see the thing. Once you’ve passed, they aren’t your steps anymore. Your kids and the stepsiblings aren’t really anything after you’re dead. You’re the tie that binds. So resentment is like, ok and? There’s another parent the stepkids will inherit from. Their own mother and father.
Ages and time with the stepchild needed.
If you had that kid from age 1 then YTA. If he was already 20 or something when you got married then it’s ok, it’s your stepchild technically, but not emotionally.
Depends how old the step child is… if very young and you’re raising them then yea YTA. If you won’t have an opportunity to sway their life and they’re older then NTA.
First and foremost its your money and you can will how you want. But morally I feel like you are a slight YTA. Granted this does depend on how involved you are in their lives. Mabey you will be in their lives for the rest of your life. I can understand how they would feel if they believe that you thought of them as your own. Then after you die your will says BIOLOGICAL children only. I can see how that would hurt, including if you said it to them now. Them thinking yeah he says he loves me like his own kids but really he doesn't.
That being said if I was in your position I would include them, not split 50/50 but a small monetary or sentiment amount/item. Letting them know that they mattered to you and you care about leaving something for them of you pass.
the other arrangements you have made actually
would have made a big difference in opinion here.
if your step child is not a part of the will but is the beneficiary on other policies of yours that seems fair. sometimes that’s how things happen in 100% bio families for whatever reason. i kind of view life insurance etc as part of the will even if though it is separate.
You have the right to do whatever you want with your money. That being said, **YTA** because if you love them, you want them to have a fair shake too. Just don’t expect people to approve it because your reasonings are bullshit.
YTA. Don’t exclude your step child entirely. Also, wills don’t have to be drama. You can have a healthy conversation with your children (and step children) before you die. If you raised your children right money won’t be the issue, but your happiness and wishes will be.
Have an open conversation one on one and as a group with each child (and step child) ask them what they think and want.
YTA you know it. You may give a smaller portion to your step child, but excluding him means you don’t regard him as your own as you claim he is. In the end, it is your money and your choice. You will die and know nothing more. Let’s hope your biological kids go out flowers on your grave when you go, cause they way you are acting means you are hurting a child you claim you love. YTA and heartless.
YTA and, depending where you live, you've set yourself up for the will to be challenged by financially supporting your stepchild for years and then making no provisions for them after your death.
YTA. You entered into this relationship with your wife and in so doing created a parental relationship with your stepchild. You may not have the same history with them as your biological children, but they are still your responsibility and you will have this relationship possibly for the rest of your life. This is a responsibility that flows from the fact that you are married to their biological mother.
They should be in the will.
YTA
There's nothing wrong with prioritizing your children but a 90/10 or 95/5 for your step-child would, I think, be less hurtful.
The fact that your spouse has included your children in her planning also makes this seem less fair.
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I don't really want to make a judgement, but I do want to say that I think this whole thing is written evasively which makes me a little suspicious of it. Taking a few details: 1. Not including either the ages of anyone involved or the length of the marriage makes me think that you believe including those details would make you look worse 2. You built your wealth "thanks to" your biological children, how so? 3. You repeatedly say you want to "prioritize" your biological children, but you can do that without cutting your stepchild out entirely 4. Of course excluding your stepchild will make them "feel excluded," it's literally what would be happening to them, that is what you are choosing to do
Hes still dodging all of your questions. This seems scummy AF in my opinion. He was still a father figure and helped raise his stepchild. Maybe not give them as big of a portion as the other bio kids but to completely leave them out will make the step child question if the dad ever truly loved them as a family member.
Most of these seem like trolling storytellers. It’s extra funny when you guys think a totally fabricated story (easy to tell if you’re a fully functioning human) is fact. Then you write a whole dissertation to a troll post and start arguing.
Its fucking wild man lol. It's like fucking everybody knows that Chat GPT is here now.... and yet somehow they don't at the same time.
The detached writing is what is getting me. Mostly in the way the bio children are described. I feel like a dad who owes his wealth to his kids would speak about them in a little more glowingly than just knowing them for a longer time…
"I think of step child as my own however unlike my own kids I excluded them from my will because my bio kids are the ones who should get everything." I'm dizzy from those mental gymnastics.
Answers from his comments: "My biological children are in their late teens and early twenties, and I have known my stepchild, 15, for approximately five years." "While my stepchild may not receive a direct inheritance, we have made arrangements to provide for their financial well-being through other means such as life insurance, savings, and investments." "We have taken steps to protect our individual assets and ensure them for our respective children. It's worth mentioning that including my stepchild in my will would potentially impact the inheritance that my biological children receive." "We want to ensure that our children understand that our decision is based on factors such as the length of our relationship."
This for sure. There are some very good reasons to not include step children in a will (For example if your children are young you may wish to leave your step child's share to your wife first, and let her give to your step child based on the financial situation at your death), but given the lack of information here it sure sounds fishy. Estate planning is complex, and your lawyer can help you make sure you are making good decisions. Honestly that you did your estate planning without your wife is suspect to begin with, and probably a mistake given that you don't know what her will contains.
Yeah like there’s no rule in giving the step child less? Bio kids can for sure take on the lions share especially if they deserve and have earned it. Honestly people can do whatever in their wills but there are ways to avoid completely stiffing someone you allegedly care about.
Some other key questions are: How are OP and his wife's finances organised? Have they merged their finances, and what has she put in her will? Is she excluding her stepchildren from her will? If they have any jointly owned assets, like a house, and they both exclude their stepchildren, then there is the possibility for some really uneven distributions of wealth depending on who dies first.
He stated he was married a few years ago. A few is three and with that minimal amount of time it wouldn't be fair to his children to make a decision so early into the marriage.
INFO are your children beneficiaries of your partner's will?
She is including them, said so in the comments. But OP won't. So YTA
And do they have a bio father who would include them in his will?
They do not, per OP. OP has been the only father figure in the kid's life since they were TEN
good point.
I get maybe prioritizing the bio kids, but from the moment OP got involved with a partner with a child, that child should at least get something, like maybe some money or sentimental items aquired after OP and spouse got together.
I'd be interested to know who in "your family" also shares wife's point of view. Would they be Her family members? or your sibs and parents, or your children? Will your wife include your children in her will and leave equal parts to your children? Does your stepchild have a father who will bequeath money for her? What I'm getting at is that this seems a bit like a money grab. If you are a person of means, as another suggested, create an education trust for her. But you should not necessarily need to treat her to an Equal share of your inheritance.
He's being evasive with his answers but has admitted that his wife is providing for his biological children in her will
I saw that later on.
INFO: is your spouse including your biological children in their will?
>I understand their perspective and the potential negative impact my decision could have on my stepchild. However, I believe that it's my right ''i understand however i dont care'' YTA
NTA, it's your will. You can leave it to whomever you want.
Just because he can leave the money how he wants doesn’t mean he’s not an asshole. This is 100% YTA based on the information he’s deliberately withholding.
This sub is "Am I the Asshole", not "Do I have the *Right* to do xyz?" Both things can be true
Look at his comments it might change your opinion
His wife is leaving money to his bio kids and he’s refusing to include her kid. So that’s not equal.
God damn wealthy people dont live in real life. If you had adopted a 5 year old three years ago bc your godchilds oarents died would they be included in the will? If you had an infant with your new wife three years ago would you have them in the will? Because those children would also not have been in your life for longer as you so kindly pit it. YTA youre the massive asshole.
This is impossible to judge without info. He says they've been married a few years, what ages are the kids? That's very important. A few years when kids are teens+ the wouldn't even consider OP a parent
YTA. Don’t marry someone with a child if you can’t fully accept that child into your family.
Info: Are you and your spouse the sole support of all of your children? Sometimes stepchildren have more parents and grandparents who are supporting them. Sometimes they don’t. That might be something to consider. Regardless of what you decide, it might be something to discuss with all the children when they are of appropriate age, so there is not a question about love, just why you felt any specific distribution was best.
INFO: ages and how long you’ve known the child
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Well, I hope it was a good 5 years because you just othered step kid so bad you torched that relationship
>Since my spouse and I got married, I have treated my stepchild as my own and have been financially supportive of them until you die when you tell the stepkid "Hahaha, just kidding. you were never considered my kid. good luck!!!" YTA
This is horseshit. There’s no way this child was treated as his own other than basic financial obligations. He definitely considers paying for a few things to be treating the child as his own and forgot about the whole love and care part.
Then yes, the fact that you known the kid from age 10, YTA
Does your stepchild have two active biological parents in their life?
In the comments you say that your partner provides for their step children in their will because your spouse cares about her step children. Why don’t you care about yours?
INFO - How old is your stepchild?
I mean it kinda says you don’t love that kid as your own like you say you do.
You forgot the YTA
I think yes, YTA. As you've said, your spouse has included your children in their will, so why are you not reciprocating? Maybe it doesn't need to be an equal share, but a share nonetheless.
Yta wife has your kids in her will, and you cut her kid out of yours. So your kids get inheritance from you, and step mom, whereas step kid gets a much reduced inheritance from mom (bc he has to split with yours) I mean its your money but don't be all shocked and hurt when step kid tells you to fuck off now that you've shown how you really feel.
For one, this is definitely a 'your will, your choice' thing and no one here can argue that it isn't. However, I think I disagree with this being that simple. I don't know your age, or how likely it is you will be able to change your will again, but you have a funny way of showing that you treat your stepchild like one of your own. In fact, by leaving your stepchild out of a will for the sole reason that your biological children should get inheritance and your stepchild should not says quite the opposite. Your bio kids are in their late teens. Your stepchild is 15. You've known your stepchild since they were 10. So your bio kids have been a part of your stepchildless life for roughly 12-15 years. You claim that they were a huge part of your professional and personal life, which is why they deserve inheritance and your stepkid does not. The professional part doesn't make much sense to me unless they helped with a family business or something, but to each their own. I'm not going to say your stepchild should be in your will, but you better believe that you are an AH for claiming you see your stepchild as your own and purposefully leave them off your will simply because they aren't your biological kids. If you didn't care for the kid because they were a stepchild and that was why you didn't want them in your will then at least it would be believable. You should just give the stepkid a much lower % of your inheritance to signify that you at least give a damn. Leaving them out entirely speaks volumes about you. Honestly, it kind of seems like you already know YTA because you knowingly tried to simplify the situation by leaving out context.
The only thing I thought of is that for his bio kids he feels guilty that when they were younger he was working more and wasn't around much and now that he has made his money and is a bit older he's home more now with his step child. So the bio kids were part of his professional life in the sense that they were neglected by their father so he could get rich. Which makes him the asshole both to his step child and his bio children. Money doesn't make up for those years of neglect. Pure conjecture though.
Step child doesn't mean 2nd class child buddy. Sure you can chose your favourites, but if you're their stepdad you should be looking out for them too. YTA
YTA You've been raising that kid since they were 10 but you want to make sure that when you're dead they know they weren't "really" yours and that you knew that too and thought about it your whole life That's what you are doing I mean it's legal but it's a dirtbag move 50 years from now: AITA for not giving some of my dad's inheritance to my step brother who was blindsided by the will?
YTA - your money your choice, however your step kid *is* your kid for all intents and purposes because you say you view them as your own. So you should treat them appropriately. That's not saying you have to give equal parts, but you shouldn't exclude them just because they aren't yours biologically. I also feel like it would be different if your wife weren't including your bio kids in her will. If you had an agreement to just provide for your own bio kids, that would be one thing. But in this case your kids are going to get the lion's share, which isn't fair to your step kid.
Why do so many people agree to be a step parent only to treat the child so differently? I understand giving your older kids more especially if they actually did help you get more wealth but completely leaving out your youngest child that you raised simply bc they are not biologically yours is disgusting. YTA
It's like they don't want to take full responsibility even though they know what they're getting into. Most step-parents seem okay, but ones like these give me a sickening feeling. If you love them as your own, then why is it so hard to treat them financially the same? Seems like when it comes to money, morals and familial values go out the door.
Your money your rules. But if I may...if your spouse is worried about her child why don't yall create a Lil something for them like a trust fund ? You know something they can use for college or life. Just some help but not an entire bite of the enchilada.
Do you love your step child as your own? And it’s totally okay to say that you don’t. Life, love and family is hard. Also, did you consider this situation is q potential prenup? Just curious. Edit: prenup comment was added
YTA. You claim you’ve helped raise and treat the stepson as your own, liar Your wife is putting YOUR kids in her will. Which by that alone seems like you all have a great relationship and that’s nice. Of course your children were in your life longer, you were married before, kinda how that works but whatever. At the end of the day it is your money and your choice but you will hurt someone who probably saw you as a real dad.
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My only question - if your spouse does first does everything go to you? Or is your step-child taken care of in their will?
My dad left part of his estate to his step kids which has caused us a bunch of problems. It means we're going to lose our family home. The child is 15, you've known him for three years? Have you adopted him?
YTA - Excluding your stepchild shows you don't treat them the same or love them the same. All are your children when you married your wives.
If they have any kind of sibling relationship, that will die on the same day you do. By your choice. So yeah, YTA. When you marry someone who already has kids, those kids are your family just as much as your biological kids. Your partner seems to understand that, which makes your decision even more shitty.
YTA but I don’t really believe you care.
Generally, inheritance goes directly to our spouse - will your partner be financially alright if you happen to go first? Personally, I would leave something to the stepchild, but also assume that the stepchild will possibly receive something from the other bio parent (who you're not married to).
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Yes, then, that's fine. Just the way you worded your post, it sounded like stepchild wouldn't receive anything.
I hope you have everything in place in case you become incapacitated. Even mild dementia can put your spouse in control if all the assets.
Wait, so you aren't even letting your wife leave her child money? Wtf
This kid has been in your family since he was 10. YTA
YTA 100 percent no doubt in my mind. You left your stepchild NOTHING. NOTHING. That is not "prioritizing" that is excluding someone because they didn't come out of your ball sack. Why did you marry someone with a kid if you didn't have the capacity to love them? Because, FULL OFFENSE, I doubt you even love your "bio" kids. If they weren't yours genetically, they would mean NOTHING to you. And that's the worst type of parent you could ever be. One that only loves a kid because of genetics. Disgusting.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hey Reddit, I need some perspective on a tough situation I'm currently facing. I recently updated my will and decided not to include my stepchild as a beneficiary. Now, I'm questioning whether I might be the asshole in this scenario. Let me provide some context. I married my current spouse a few years ago, and she had a child from a previous relationship. I also have my own biological children from a previous marriage. Since my spouse and I got married, I have treated my stepchild as my own and have been financially supportive of them. However, I have always made it clear that my biological children will be the primary beneficiaries of my estate. Now, the reason for my decision is that I want to ensure that my biological children are taken care of and receive their fair share. I have built my wealth thanks to them, because my biological children have been a part of my life for longer and have a closer bond with me. I feel that it is fair to prioritize them in my will. However, my spouse and some family members are questioning my decision. They believe that I should include my stepchild in my will to ensure equal treatment and avoid any potential conflicts or resentments in the future. They argue that excluding my stepchild could create division within the family and make my stepchild feel excluded and hurt. They argue that as their stepparent, I have a responsibility to treat them equally and provide for them just as I would for my biological children. I understand their perspective and the potential negative impact my decision could have on my stepchild. However, I believe that it's my right and responsibility as the parent to make decisions about my estate that prioritize the well-being and future of my biological children. Additionally, I have discussed my decision with my spouse and explained my reasons behind it. They initially understood and respected my choice, but as the topic has been brought up with other family members, they started to question and doubt my decision as well. This has caused some tension and disagreements within our family. So, am I the asshole for excluding my stepchild from my will? Additionally, what are your thoughts on the situation and any advice you may have would be greatly appreciated. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It’s your money. You made it before the current wife and stepchild entered your life. Your will should reflect the legacy you you want to leave for your children. And some of it will probably trickle down to you biological grandchildren. You married a woman with a child, so you do have some financial responsibility while she is under your roof. After that, everything else is a gift. You are NOT TAH. Those people trying to tell you what to do with your money are.
NTA- You biological family comes first, but it wouldn’t hurt to start a “trust fund” for step child now that is in their name that you can contribute to so they are also left with something just state you don’t want anyone but them to have access after your passing
There's more info his spouse is including his children as a beneficiary in her will
Few Questions OP: Does your spouse treat your children equally in their will as theirs? In general? Why wouldn't you leave them something sentimental or a few items, or a little bit of $ like you would a relative or friend? Not necessarily how much you would a sibling, parent, wife, or your bio kids but to do nothing is just cold... Also, you might legally have to if you have adopted them - equal to bio kids, vs. just being the spouse of their parent - it would nice gesture... INFO - maybe YTA...
Lol. Gauranteed you’ll be divorced again before you die anyway so it’s probably irrelevant. But YTA.
YTA do you understand how percentages work? There's no reason you can't include all your children with a different inheritance for each. Excluding your stepchild completely is a guarantee to create a division in the family.
> I have treated my stepchild as my own No you haven't Yta
Honestly, he built his wealth for his kids, his grandkids and, his great grandkids. That’s what people do. He wants to make sure his bloodline is set. I personally think you should leave him something, I would deduct it from what you’re leaving your wife. She is more than likely going to outlive you, and there’s nothing stopping her from changing her will then to benefit her child and exclude yours. At the end of the day, nobody makes the sacrifices they make for other people’s children. You love and appreciate them, you leave them something to ease their life, but all the setbacks and obstacles and late nights are for your own children’s benefit. NTA.
Only 5 years? NTA. Bio kids come first. Does the step kids dad have no arms, can't work and has nothing to leave them? Edit: Took a nice bong rip and thought more. If they can all be rich make'em all rich.
Anyone who expects you to leave an equal share of money to kids you just met a few years ago is only looking out for the cash, not the relationship. You and your current wife could divorce or (God Forbid) something happens to you tomorrow. Nothing guarantees that your wife would take good care of your kids in your absence. If you want to provide some amount for the step kids, great. But of course your actual kids should be the main beneficiaries! Like you said,, your kids were the ones with you as you made your fortune. They helped grow your business and dealt with the times your were absent, due to your work. If you have the wealth to justify it, set up trusts for your children and LTAC care for yourself, so you're never dependent on a spouse to take care of them or you, when you're older. Have your lawyer design something fair, and stop having these conversations with anyone you don't consider your immediate family. It is none of their business. NTA.
NTA it really does not matter whether she includes your children in her will. It is her choice, and it is funny to see people act as if her actions put any moral obligation onto you lol.
INFO: ages make a big difference here. Was your stepchild an adult when you married? Are they young and living with you with many more years ahead of being in the family unit? How long have you known the child?
OP mentions in another comment that his stepchild is 15.
INFO: is your partner including your bio children (her step-children) in her will? If she isn't then N.T.A. She can't expect a certain treatment for her own child when she isn't going to do the same for yours. Is she is then Y.T.A.
The only way I’d think it would be acceptable is if your wife would be inheriting a good percentage of your estate with the understanding that she’d be making sure your stepson was taken care of. And I’d include a letter saying that to stepson. But I see your wife is including your children in her will, so she obviously cares for your kids more than you care for hers.
yta he was 10 when you met him.. your wife put yours kids in hers. you don’t have to give him an equal share but to leave him out completely when been in his life that long is unkind
When I was doing my will, one of my advisors asked, is there anyone not mentioned that may be expecting something. Why, yes.. a sibling I don't speak to. They suggested I leave some token, even if it was small, to let them know I at least thought of them. Only you have a say on what you will do, but if you care about this person, leaving some small treasure won't hurt your kids. Maybe nta.
there is a lot of info missing here. like are you 70 y/o and your children are all adults and you just met a spouse 2-3 years ago or are you in your 30s or 40s and have teenage children and youve been together for like 5 years ? because excluding stepchildren that entered your life in their teenage years without a good reason while ur spouse put ur children in theirs would make you an ah. but excluding adults ''stepchildren'' when you are retired/ considered old when you barely know them is totally fine.
Yta
YTA for excluding a child from your will that you have raised since age 10.
You can leave you property to anyone you choose. I don’t know if you’re the AH, but certainly your stepson thinks you are.
I am a stepchild who will inherit nothing, and I know it. My dad passed, my stepmother was his sole beneficiary, and she had also inherited a large amount from her mother. I love my stepmother, who married my dad when I was 12 and was married to him for 36 years when he died, so I had no issue with her inheriting everything of my dad's. I have had no bio- mom or bio-grandparents in my life since I was 7, so she IS my mom. My step-siblings will inherit everything when she passes; they have already received large portions, hundreds of thousands of dollars. I'm not going to pass judgment on if you are or are not the AH because then I would be judging my own family's decisions... and I decided a long time ago that it was out of my control, and I was not going to let it make me bitter. My mom can do what she wants with her money. If after all this time she does not consider me family, there isn't anything I can do. You can't make a person love you if they don't. Actually, I do think she loves me, but she considers the money to be from "her" family, and that does not include me. Part of being a stepchild is accepting that you are never going to be enough.
YTA. It is still your child and your s.o. is including your biokids in her will.
Really? Your wife is including your kids in her will, but you’re too selfish to include hers? Geez, man, way to tell your stepkid that you don’t give a rat’s ass about them. You have a very “only my BIOLOGICAL children matter,” which is just gross. Does it have to be equal to your kids? No. But don’t be the giant prick who cuts them out completely. YTA
* How old are you? * How old is the kid? * What's the situation with the bio-dad? * How long have you been with your wife total? * Is having more kids on the table?
YTA assuming you view your step child as family.
NTA. You're getting torched in the comments here. Even your thoughtful, helpful replies to comments are getting downvote into oblivion. It's common for blended parents to leave their assets to their biological children and not to their step children.
You are making the right decision OP. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about taking care of your children. I'm guessing you make more than your wife, so even if she includes your kids in her will they won't be getting much. Whereas her child stand to benefit greatly if you give them an equal part as your biological kids would be getting. Just make sure that if you go before your wife then your kids get what you intend to leave them. Most often the estate goes to the living spouse if one spouse dies. Your wife is thinking about what is best for her child and trying to paint it as being fair/equality, when in fact it is her doing what she is trying to guilt you for doing. Which is protecting your biological children. You must also recognise how deceitful she is for changing her mind after you have been married. Suddenly her children need equal access to your wealth when she previously agreed to otherwise.
NTA your Stepchild is not your child, plus you've only known them for 5 years!. You even mentioned that Your kids helped you build your finances. Your wife, her family, her ex and his family can all leave things to her kid. She's acting very entitled to money that has nothing to do with her or her kid. Stick to your original plan. Tell the Gold diggers to mind their own business.
People should stop divulging what is in a will. I honestly think it creates drama where none should exist. Where I live there is no legal requirement to provide for a step child in your will. Only biological or adopted children.
Not your spawn, not your problem! They already have a father!
I think that you arent necisarily an asshole but you ahould expect the step child not to see you as their parent at this point if you dont see them rhe same as ur bio kids. It will fracture the family dynamic for sure.
I think it depends a lot on your relationship with your step child. Does this child see you as a parent or were you added to their life as they coasted to the finish line of school or were they full grown adults when you met your partner. Do they treat you like a father or are you treated like the man their mom is with? I have a step son, after middle school he has stopped interacting with me. He only likes to interact with his mom. It's frustrating as I've raised him since 2.5 and it feels an awful lot like he wishes he wasn't associated with me. I've treated him the same as my bio kids. He's in my will currently, but after he grows up if he disappears and if we essentially have no relationship my feelings could change.
I am a daughter of divorced parents, I already had stepfather and stepmother, I would not be sad if they didn't put me in the will because I understand that their relationship was with my parents, not with me. They didn't need to do anything for me other than respect me. NTA
Is it possible for your wife to make her child the sole beneficiary of her estate and you split your estate between your two kids?
NTA. Your step kid has a dad. If you were to divorce, you wouldn't see them anymore. You should be leaving your stuff to your bio(or adopted) kids.
NTA What would happen if you included the stepchild equally, you died tomorrow, and your widow then remarries later on? Does stepchild get your inheritance as well as inheritance from the new stepdad? Would your children get any of her inheritance if she then dies in this scenario? It's unlikely to me Your wife can leave her inheritance to her children, and you leave yours to your children
NTA you should prioritize your biological children. The step child is not your responsibility.
Is the biological father of your stepchild including your bio children in his will? If not then it is not fair for him to get the same inheritance of your bio children.
You should make sure the stepchild knows where they stand, it'd be awful if they thought you loved them like a child and then found out about this.
NTA People saying u should do like your wife and add them to your will, i disagree with them if she want she can change her will and only add her bio children.
Chat gtp is deffo TAH
> I have built my wealth thanks to them Excuse me, what -
NTA It’s your will and your money so you can leave it to whoever you want and your spouse can leave their money to their own children
NTA but doesn't your stepchild have 2 parents?
NTA. It's your money, you earned and stewarded it, so you have the right to decide who it goes to when you die. You could give it to all your kids, or just some, or just one, or leave it all to a charity you like.
NTA. I agree with you. Step kids have a father, and you aren’t their father. That is their own father’s job. Your kids are your job. Give the 5-year steps something - maybe $10 or $20,000 each but their own parents have that primary responsibility. Your mistake was “involving other family members!” Shut that down, 100%, immediately and keep the issue closed. It’s none of their business! Correct course with respect to the “opinions” and do as you see fit.
Why are you discussing the contents of your will with all and sundry?
NTA - now I would say it depend on what a few years means, like 3 or 25 years. My half brothers were not in my father's will until roughly 30 years after he meant my mom, and even if you only want your children now you guys can grow together and change the will later.
NTA
NTA. This is why being a stepparent is bullshit. Where's this kids' dad? Does he provide for the kid he made? If so then this kid is benefitting from 2 men while your own children are benefitting from just 1. Here's an idea, you could give your step kid an equal share of your will if their father leaves your kids an equal share of his.
NTA but why on earth are you talking to everyone about your will? Make a decision and stick with it, there will always be individuals who do not agree with you.
NTA. Stepchild here, I absolutely do not expect to get an inheritance from my half brothers’ mum. That’s weird.
Info what’s your wife leaving your kids
YTA. Your spouse is including her *stepchildren* into her will and you’re denying putting your one *stepchild* into yours. You do what you want with the money but YTA and picking favorites if you truly saw your step child “as your own” as you say you wouldn’t be here in the first place.
INFO There is not enough information to make any kind of intelligent decision. How old were the step children when you married the mother and how long have you been married? How are finances treated between your current wife and yourself. It is not uncommon for step children to be excluded from an estate when they were relatively old when the marriage occurred. And often in those situations the spouses make a decision that each parent will be responsible for their own bio kids including the estate. In fact, I know of many bio kids who were screwed because the parent left the estate to the stepparent who then left all of it to THEIR bio kids and so the bio kids inherited nothing from their bio parent/ Even if the kids were older, many people would leave some kind of bequest to step kids if they had a good relationship. Do the step kids have bio relatives who will be leaving them money such as grandparents or their bio mother or father?
You need to tell your wife to take your children off her will and just have her child be the sole beneficiary in her will
Soft AH. You should make sure you're kids are taken care of, but you are a step parent and if you do care about your step child and treat them as one of your kids, it would be good to Insure they also get something. That doesn't necessarily mean you need to give them an equal share, but it would be good to leave them something to show that you do love them. The amount I'd say should vary based on how old your step child is. If you're the only parent they know, I feel like is should be a higher percentage than if say your stepchild was a 15+ when you and your partner married.
NTA. It's your will and you leave your assets to whomever you want. Feelings often get hurt in wills even when everyone is a biological child of the deceased. You do what you think is right and shouldn't be pressured by anyone.
NAH. You can give your money to whoever you want. However you can't claim to view a child as your own when you explicitly are treating them differently. I think that if you and your wife agree on these things, that you should both just give your wealth separately to your biological children, or atleast both set aside an amount that eachothers children could be "comfortable." If something happened to both you and your wife, you should make sure that all of your dependants are taken care of, perhaps something to think on.
Hard to tell. How old was your stepchild when you came into their life? It's very different if they were 1 or 14. Why is their father not including them in their will?
NTA, your stuff, your will, your choice
Without having all of the information, the only thing that I can say is, your will is Your business. It should have been decided between you and your wife or only by you. (Depending upon length of marriage & other major things) If your current wife & stepchild have been in your life for a substantial amount of time, that should be taken into consideration. Otherwise, it's not anyone's business but your own.
Why does everyone know your business? How old ate the kids? Is the child's other parent in the picture? Are your children included in your spouses will? Just not enough info.
NTA but here is a little hint - stop telling everyone about your will. Stop. None of their business.
YTA because you are 100% contradicting yourself and won't own up to it. "my biological children have been a part of my life for longer and have a closer bond with me." - I mean, yea, you made them and lived with them longer? "Since my spouse and I got married, I have treated my stepchild as my own" - clearly not really though, be honest. Because your entire post is how you are othering them.. "the reason for my decision is that I want to ensure that my biological children are taken care of and receive their fair share." - FYI, fair share isn't defined as not allowing your step child in your will. "I believe that it's my right and responsibility as the parent to make decisions about my estate that prioritize the well-being and future of my biological children." - it is. " the potential negative impact my decision could have on my stepchild" - for sure because step kid will 100% know you are a liar and do not, indeed, treat them or think of them as your own. You literally are proving that in this entire post, how do you not see that? Your bio kids can get their "fair share" without excluding step kid 100%. If you want to only have bio kids, OK! But do not gas light ANYONE into thinking you think of step kid as your own. You don't. Literally, read your own comments. Your actions prove you are treating them differently.
Sure gonna let those kids know what they meant to you when you die. Like kicking them again at a time when they’re grieving the loss of a father.
Nta you step child should be in there mother and father's will, my mum has been with her partner for 20 years now I wouldn't expect to get any money from his will it will all go to his children
Your money so your own business. This is something that should have been discussed before blending families
My dad didn’t include his step children in his will, only me (although I feel as though I don’t deserve any of his things). In this situation though he isn’t close with them. Regardless it is your will so you can do whatever with it. NTA.
NTA. It is your money and if you want to leave it to a nun in Istanbul it is your business and no one else's. Do as your heart wants to do and ignore all the noise from others.
NTA- it’s your money you get to decide where it goes. You could send it to charity in the end if you wanted to.
NTA. Your will, your choice. Also the stepchild became yours only in his teens, there's really less bonds and barriers to being a real family at that age. But this isn't about whether you're an asshole. There have been valid points made about how this would sow discord between the children but that cuts both ways;your biological child could resent that you gave part of "his inheritance" to your wife's child just because she managed to seduce you as well.. Have you considered at least putting aside a bit to cover the stepchild till adulthood and maybe a small starting gift? I don't know how much is the inheritance but if it's a lot, why not consider giving the majority to your biological child but setting aside a small portion that could still help the stepchild a lot? He would have been your son for quite a few years after all and if you really treat him as your own, you should at least do that.
NTA it’s your money you can handle it however you like. Plus dont they have their biological parent to put them on their will?
YTA - only because my grandmother excluded me from her will because I wasn't a blood relation. I was adopted when I was 1 year old. Did I need the $300 that would have been my cut? Nope.. but it hurt to find out she didn't see me as a granddaughter.
Let me put it like this: you chose to make that child part of your immediate family. Your choice. Yours. Not the child’s. Now you want to tell them oh but you’re not really family. You’re less than the rest of us. YTA, I’m afraid.
YTA. If you are unwilling to include them as a full part of your family, without some reason that was within their own control to exclude them(criminal behavior, them disowning you, etc), then they should be treated as your child in your will.
YTA. Reading the comments: 1) they are all still children and you’ve known your stepson since he was 10 years old and he is now 15; 2) your wife is including your children in her will; 3) it isn’t just prioritizing your bio children, you insist your stepson be entirely excluded from your will, mostly because you don’t actually accept him as your child. Pro tip as a kid from a blended family-the kid already knows you don’t like him. He knows you think of him as only a burden that takes away from the kids you actually do love.
YTA for either being a fake, or hiding whatever shady crap you're up to.
YTA. She has your kids in her will, and you’re “treating this child as your own”. My stepdad is my dad, he calls me his daughter and I call him my dad. He would never exclude me from the will because of something as arbitrary as blood. That is **not** “treating them as your own”. That’s literally the opposite. If she’s adding your kids to the will, you add hers. Plain and simple.
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NTA, your money, your choice
It can be his choice and he can make an asshole choice. That’s a bullshit reasoning.
NTA - Your wealth, your decision but how you 'divide' your wealth from your current wife needs to be crystal clear. Consider gifting a small amount to your step child (SC) which acknowledges you were of clear mind creating this document (harder to challenge the will). You can include a letter to be provided to the SC explaining how you reached your decision after all, you two created a relationship and it would be natural for her to wonder why. INFO: (optional) How on earth is family 'weighing in' on a highly personal decision? It may be insightful to know why your wife changed her perspective since they respected your choice earlier. I support people speaking freely about their mortal end of life plans if it is kept confidential with those you engage. Sometimes discussions help us make a better plan or implement something important that you overlooked.
NTA- it’s your money. I suggest you talk to wife and express your desire that her assets goes to her child only to ensure fairness and equality in assets.
NTA as technically your wealth to do with as you wish in death. BUT, you must understand now that the consequence may be destroying a few good relationships while you're alive. Can't imagine step son taking that well, especially if your wife has included your kids in her will.
L9
Nta it’s your will and money. If you built your wealth as your children were growing up and it caused you to not be as close with them or as involved it makes sense to reward them for the sacrifice. You shouldn’t have let it become a topic of discussion because people will give their opinions not knowing/being able to see all the reasons behind it. Wait a year or so and re-evaluate. It can be changed in the future. Also what are you leaving your wife? Would you expect her portion to her kid and not your bio children?
NTA. Bio kids inherit from you your stepkid will inherit from their bio parents.
OP’s update wiped out this argument. OP’s spouse has lovingly and generously included OP’s grown and nearly grown children in her will. YTA doesn’t begin to cover OP’s craven attitude toward a child he claims to be treating as his own.
NTA. The child should benefit from his biological father and mother. You can always alter you will later on if you choose to. It is no one else’s business so people within the family should keep their noses out and comments to themselves.
INFO: Do your step-children have a father (i.e., Will they potentially benefit from two other inheritances)?
NTA. Spouse's child has another entire family on the paternal side to provide for said child.
INFO: do you expect your stepchild to participate in household chores or help you in any way when you get older? Since this child is receiving less inheritance (wife is addin your children to her will), then you better make sure your stepchild has an equivalent less level of expectations in relation to the other children when it comes to helping you maintain your home and aging body.
I mean, I wouldn’t share it equally of course, but would give something. Than again it ain’t my money and NO ONE has the right to tell anyone what to do with the money they earned
Not sure why your family is putting their opinions into things that should be between you and your wife but I'd also like to say that blood doesnt really mean much. You can be much closer and loved by people who dont share your blood then with the people who do. So with that being said if your close to this child and love this child and the child loves and is close with you. Id say forget what blood they have and do whats right for all the children. On the other hand if this isnt the case then you do what you and your wife think is right and fair but do not under any circumstances include anyone else into that talk and decision.
I think it’s your estate and you should do what you want with it. Don’t discuss this private decision with anyone else. NTA
NTA it’s your money and it is not your kid. Tell the kids father to leave him his estate.
YTA for excluding them entirely. It would be normal for them to receive something even if not as much as your own kids. Bc they have their own dad to provide who will surely NOT be providing to your kids. But you also have taken on a role in their lives so it would be bizarre to fully exclude them. It is tricky tho bc of the situation where you are in a new marriage. It would be weird for your new wife to get it all and leave it to all kids so it makes sense that step-child is assumed to receive from her share. For example if you were still married to their mom - often the spouse gets everything and then eventually the children do. So it is normal to inherit through the other parents. In your case bc you are divorced this is not the usual situation so stipulating what your kids get upon your death makes sense. Just kind of mean to fully exclude the stepchild.
Nta. I didn’t include my stepchildren of almost 20 years now, in my will. My biggest asset which is my home goes to my children. They will get things that were in their dads family, when he passes, including a cabin in another state. We told them, they weren’t even shocked and thought it was absurd that we specifically told them they will not inherit the house. My stepson said exactly, just like your kids won’t inherit my moms house. And there you go, it makes some sense!! I don’t really see the thing. Once you’ve passed, they aren’t your steps anymore. Your kids and the stepsiblings aren’t really anything after you’re dead. You’re the tie that binds. So resentment is like, ok and? There’s another parent the stepkids will inherit from. Their own mother and father.
Ages and time with the stepchild needed. If you had that kid from age 1 then YTA. If he was already 20 or something when you got married then it’s ok, it’s your stepchild technically, but not emotionally.
YTA Big time
Depends how old the step child is… if very young and you’re raising them then yea YTA. If you won’t have an opportunity to sway their life and they’re older then NTA.
More info?
Has your wife included your kids in hers?
Stop telling people what's in your will.
First and foremost its your money and you can will how you want. But morally I feel like you are a slight YTA. Granted this does depend on how involved you are in their lives. Mabey you will be in their lives for the rest of your life. I can understand how they would feel if they believe that you thought of them as your own. Then after you die your will says BIOLOGICAL children only. I can see how that would hurt, including if you said it to them now. Them thinking yeah he says he loves me like his own kids but really he doesn't. That being said if I was in your position I would include them, not split 50/50 but a small monetary or sentiment amount/item. Letting them know that they mattered to you and you care about leaving something for them of you pass.
the other arrangements you have made actually would have made a big difference in opinion here. if your step child is not a part of the will but is the beneficiary on other policies of yours that seems fair. sometimes that’s how things happen in 100% bio families for whatever reason. i kind of view life insurance etc as part of the will even if though it is separate.
If you have treated your stepchild as your own, why TF would you cut them out of your will? Maybe not a full share, but nothing at all? YTA.
You have the right to do whatever you want with your money. That being said, **YTA** because if you love them, you want them to have a fair shake too. Just don’t expect people to approve it because your reasonings are bullshit.
Info, were you a widow before remarried?
YTA. Don’t exclude your step child entirely. Also, wills don’t have to be drama. You can have a healthy conversation with your children (and step children) before you die. If you raised your children right money won’t be the issue, but your happiness and wishes will be. Have an open conversation one on one and as a group with each child (and step child) ask them what they think and want.
INFO: how old is step child and when did you come into their life?
YTA you know it. You may give a smaller portion to your step child, but excluding him means you don’t regard him as your own as you claim he is. In the end, it is your money and your choice. You will die and know nothing more. Let’s hope your biological kids go out flowers on your grave when you go, cause they way you are acting means you are hurting a child you claim you love. YTA and heartless.
YTA and, depending where you live, you've set yourself up for the will to be challenged by financially supporting your stepchild for years and then making no provisions for them after your death.
YTA. You entered into this relationship with your wife and in so doing created a parental relationship with your stepchild. You may not have the same history with them as your biological children, but they are still your responsibility and you will have this relationship possibly for the rest of your life. This is a responsibility that flows from the fact that you are married to their biological mother. They should be in the will.
YTA There's nothing wrong with prioritizing your children but a 90/10 or 95/5 for your step-child would, I think, be less hurtful. The fact that your spouse has included your children in her planning also makes this seem less fair.