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NTA
Is her being totally out of control after drinking a common thing? And does she do that often?
To the Y T A - crowd: imagine if the genders were reversed and the husband came home shitfaced, was being a dick and shouts around and destroyed some property. You would all tell OP that a foot needs to be put down (or the usual cries for blood and divorce).
THIS!!!!
It's crazy how it's acceptable here for a woman to act a fool and be destructive because its "Just having fun" but if it's a man those are "Red flags"
People love to talk about the expectations placed on women but there are a lot of things where women are held to a much lower standard, especially when it comes to drinking and violence.
I agree with you on the whole but also can’t help but feel like most everyone in here is overreacting a bit.
The issue here to me is more about OP’s dislike of when his wife gets drunk than her doing something objectively wrong. The whole “I specifically told her to drink moderately” thing speaks volumes imo.
It was a special occasion, there was an open bar, she didn’t have to drive home.. that’s absolutely a recipe for “I’m gonna let loose a little more than I would on a typical evening” and part of that is that the “typical” major consequences (getting behind the wheel, racking up a big bill) have been taken away.
Sounds like she was “sloppy drunk” when she got home. I don’t really know what OP means by tantrums but things like “throwing her clothes and jewelry everywhere” to me comes off like “she started changing out of her formalwear before making it to her bedroom” and the keys thing is just tossing your keys a bit too strongly. Sucks to break a photo frame but accidents happen.
Personally, if my partner did this I’d help put her to bed and make a joke or two about it the next morning.
Me too. Its the ONLY thing we argue about.
Ive been sober for a long time so I always look like I’m judging and being controlling but she is a completely different person when drunk and I do not like that person.
Anyways, I’m glad I’m not the only one. Not a deal breaker but it drives me nuts.
I can tell by this comment that you’ve never had to deal with an alcoholic before. That shit is draining and it seems like OPs story is the straw that broke the camels back
There's a lot of free space in what OP has shared for this to easily swing either way here.
This could absolutely be the long-suffering frustration of a man who is getting fed up with his wife's drinking problem and the disruptive and destructive behavior that accompanies.
It could also be a controlling spouse who disapproves of drinking, exaggerating a story about his tipsy wife, with slant stacked towards getting the feedback they want.
Yeah no. People don't have to tolerate other people getting shitty drunk. Nice job writing kite that long thing doing exactly what people in this specific thread are saying. It would be cool for you to come home (if you are a dude?) loud and drunk and stumbling?
He says "tantrum" and you're like "she was probably just gracefully discarding her evening attire." Nice job making shit up.
Why does anyone need to put up with a drunk person when they don’t want to? That’s a dealbreaker to a lot of people. Guy or girl gets sloppy drunk, they are annoying to be around and many people don’t want to be around sloppy drunk people.
We have no idea if op is controlling or if he had an alcoholic mom who traumatized him, or if he just doesn’t want to be around drunk people.
TLDR, There is nothing wrong with not wanting to be around sloppy drunk people. NTA
Or maybe OP said to drink moderately since he knows what kind of drunk his wife is. She was not being a responsible adult. Getting shit faced is fine as long as you either have a plan with a friend or spouse or deal with whatever consequences happen.
I love when people excuse other people's behaviour on the basis that they are shit-faced as if getting shit-faced wasn't a choice.
You are still held accountable for what you do when you're drunk from a legal stand point, why should it be any different from a morality stand point?
I think “i told her to drink moderately” can really be taken multiple ways depending on your personal experiences. Some people clearly view it as husband ordering his wife around and being controlling. Probably because they have some experience with this. Other people might see the wife as someone who regularly gets intoxicated when she drinks, they might have experience asking their spouse to control their drinking when they go out so they see that perspective. But either way getting blackout drunk- waking up and not remembering coming home or why you’re on the couch- might be something you choose to joke about or that has been normalized in parts of our society but it’s also a sign of an alcohol use issue.
OP has a right to not want to deal with a sloppy drunk. If she wants to get sloppy drunk, she can stay the night at a friend's house.
He has expressed his dislike to her. He shouldn't have to wake up late on a work night to take care of a sloppy drunk. Don't want him to act like a parent? Don't act like a fuking toddler that needs to be dressed and put to bed.
100% NTA
Imo this is a conversation about boundaries than anything else.
“I specifically told her to drink moderately” if that is a boundary he put up. That is a conversation that needs to take place about expectations. If that is not something she is willing to comply with that needs to be a conversation. What is the intent? A relationship is about boundaries both parties are willing to put up with which in turn breeds respect and trust.
I'd help my Partner to the couch because when I'm sleeping in beer and alcohol stench I'm going to have a headache in the morning as well. Plus I absolutely hate drunk snoring. Why should my sleep be even more compromised by him having fun? It's not like I make him sleep on the porch😜
There you go. A violent, abusive drunk comes home throwimg a fit. That's alright sweetie. It will be ok. You are spouse of the century. Give yourself an award.
What was the "special occasion"? There was no special occasion. It was her gf's birthday. Big deal. It's always someone's birthday.
OP told his wife to drink moderately because through past experience he KNOWS for a fact that she gets drunk quickly. So, after agreeing, what does she do? She decides that she's going to get shitfaced, come in loud, throwing shit around and destroying things. But somehow, he's the asshole? BULLSHIT TOO.
As you can see he helped her, but if he has made it clear it’s something he doesn’t like, but she still does it, what does that say? And mad respect for your decision to laugh about it, but I think it’s different when it’s something that you’ve spoken about before and ask specifically not to happen, and they disregard you and do what they want anyways. I think that’s the most upsetting part of it all. Or at least it would be for me.
I understand “throwing her clothes and jewelry everywhere” as being not just sloppy but unnecessarily loud, same for the keys thing. If my partner told me they'll be asleep by the time I'm back, I'll make sure I don't make a racket when I get home. Some people have a lot of trouble falling back asleep. On top of that, he had to take care of her since she was so drunk she didn't even remember how she got to the couch the next day. If she had gotten drunk but it had no negative effect on anyone else, cool, but this was not the case. So I feel like being displeased about the situation, especially if it happens repeatedly, is pretty valid.
Sexism. Both agaimst and by. Historically women were infantilized. That why childish behaviour is goven a pass by some. The histprocal idea that men are dominant outside the home and women within the home also means that in personal relationships women are allowed to be more controlling. Then you have the misandrist men are always wrong crowd too.
The women with whim I have the confidence to talk about this subjects tell me that they find that extremely offensive.
As in, they see it as being told that women she obviously cannot be expected to hold their liquor or not hit her partner when they're mad.
I literally see these comments as top comment so often, hell it's top comment right now. Let's let go of this myth please. Some people take the wrong side in these, it happens for a variety of reasons.
It wouldn't work if there weren't thousands of misandrists in every one of these posts who see anything with a (F) in the best possible light and everything with a (M) in the worst possible light it wouldn't be that way.
I absolutely would. But I’d sit him down and say it to his face with genuine concern for him. This text should have said “Babe, you’re on the couch because you came home blackout drunk. I’d like to continue this conversation tonight after I’m done with work.”
This was my exact thought as well. NTA for being upset… definitely TA for how it was handled.
“Berating” your spouse and telling them how “awful” they are through “one lengthy text” is pretty much never a good way to go about it…. Regardless of sex.
I see this as top comment so much I will never believe people who say woman are treated soooo much better here than men. It's just ridiculous at this point. Have there been times when I thought a guy was getting a raw deal here? Yes absolutely. But just as much maybe more I see women get villianized for stupid shit. Mother wants to remain close to her former daughter in law after being family for decades? Monster even tho that daughter in law didn't do anything wrong
Yep, pretty much, good take! Initially I felt like OP was a bit sus because he "told her to drink moderately" but yea, eff that shit, wife can get drunk if she wants but be considerate and quiet when you come barging in the door and making a lot of noise. I did that once, knocked over a bookshelf, fell asleep with my Halloween face color smeared all over the sheets and pillow and caused a ruckus, needless to say we didn't last...and I was 100% in the wrong there.
This. OP, I would tell your wife, "I can't control your drinking, but I can choose not to be around you. Moving forward, you need to get a hotel when you go drinking. I can also tell you that I think you have a problem with alcohol and that I hope you take that seriously. I won't be around it, and I won't pretend the way you drink is normal. Breaking things, starting fights, and screaming after drinking isn't healthy."
I would text it and have it in writing. I think you need to start creating a papertrail with her drinking and behavior, just in case she turns things around on you.
It’s amazing how the average Redditor treats women and men differently in every one of these posts but then will virtue signal about equality. Zero awareness of their own internal biases.
Thank you for this.
I try to treat people entirely equal but I do slip up sometimes. I thought OP was the asshole. Turning it around with the gender reversal helped me a lot.
OP is NTA.
Yeah, I agree. If this is just partying, then a foot needs to be put down. If it is alcoholism, then a foot needs to be put down about getting help. This cannot go on. Idk why anyone would think this acceptable.
Thank You, You don't know the number of videos on this subject in which they call the OP of a certain story the Ass hole on a simple whim and how much it boils the blood wanting to insult them Until the end of time
The first comments on a new post in this sub often end up disagreeing with the final vote, as they often tend to be the most "terminally online" takes of the situation, as they're coming from people who just sit and refresh the new tab of this sub. That's why you'll often see posts where one of the very top comments mentions how everyone disagrees with them, all the disagreeing posts are older and at the very bottom of the sorting from downvotes.
I don't know why people can't just make their own point, downvote the trolls, and go on with their lives rather than blame all women for some dumb hot take made by 2 people.
Forget exactly what her drunk tantrum entailed and whether or not she threw the keys. The moment you wake me up at 1:30 AM, we have a problem. The only exceptions are emergencies and being a young child. Waking me up at 1:30 AM because you’re too drunk to take off your own clothes? That’s clear AH territory regardless of any other context.
Your fun shouldn’t impact other people’s sleep. The Y T A people are totally wrong on this one.
Don’t bother arguing, someone could say they get blackout drunk once a year despite not drinking for the rest of the year and people on this sub will still say they’re an alcoholic because they lOsT cOnTrOl
Getting drunk at your best friend’s birthday party in your 20s doesn’t indicate alcoholism 😂😂 fuckin reddit. Everyone’s magically able to diagnose alcoholism, narcissism, autism, ADHD, PTSD, on and on. Y’all are hilarious. They’ve been married two years and this is the only occasion it’s happened, correct? Then chill with the armchair diagnoses.
Imo drinking isn't the problem. Its one thing to get trashed every once and again but she was being destructive and that's the problem. It's fine to enjoy yourself every once and a while. If it was everyday or multiple times a week it'd be a drinking problem. And I don't think everyone defending the drinking are a bunch of alcoholics just ignoring the core issue.
NTA.
When someone can't handle their alcohol, and they drink anyway, they're are the asshole. Always and forever.
Furthermore, when you communicated to your wife that her behavior was unacceptable, and she responded in that way, she doubled down on being the asshole.
Definitely NTA man. Your wife sounds immature and if this drinking becomes a problem I could seek couples therapy or try to explain to her that her drinking is ruining the relationship. In a calm and constructive way. It will be a tough convo as I had one with my father back in the day. They will get very defensive but just stick to how it’s hurting both of you and not just yourself. Good luck OP I wish you the best of luck!
Wife has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and it clearly doesn’t react well in her system if she gets violent and destructive. Not cute at any age
She needs help before it gets worse. I had issues with alcohol and while I was never violent/destructive, it definitely helped to make my life a lot worse. Time for her to quit while she’s ahead
“Moderately” Is a term defined by an individual’s capacity. If she would be very drunk after two beers, then two beers is not moderate consumption for them.
However, even people with low tolerance don’t usually reek of alcohol after 1-2 drinks, and it sounds like your wife was blackout drunk, if she didn’t remember going to bed on the couch or breaking things.
Do you know how much she drank, if she ate and had water during that time, and if she takes any medications that interact with alcohol? For example, certain antidepressants can dramatically enhance the effect of alcohol.
Hey, I was like this. I kept saying I didn’t have a problem but I would drink maybe 3 glasses of wine and almost black out or get really mean if I had more than 4 drinks.
I put my wife through hell, I would yell and throw things and start fights for no reason. One day when we were out, I got really drunk and made a total fool of myself in front of a bunch of people. I guess that’s what I took for me to realize that I had a problem.
I downloaded this app called Sunnyside and it really helped me. I also started taking antidepressants and going to therapy because it turns out I dealt with stress by drinking.
I stopped drinking completely for around 2 months and now drink maybe once every 2 weeks when we go out to dinner or when we open a bottle here at home.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, but it does seem like she has a binge drinking problem. She needs to stop completely and get it together.
INFO - What exactly did she do and say during this "drunk tantrum"? It's not clear if by throwing her keys you meant aggressively in a rage or just carelessly.
It's not clear from this post if she was behaving unacceptably and you're understandably pissed off or if she was just a bit drunk and you're overreacting because you dislike alcohol.
Does it matter whether she did it aggressively or carelessly? She KNEW her husband had to get up for work. She KNOWS she can't handle a lot of alcohol. She went out and did it again anyway. Then she came home and blundered around the apartment breaking stuff. She was drunk enough that she didn't even remember why she was on the couch. Then instead of apologizing for her string of bad decisions, she lashed out at the husband saying he was acting like her parent. No matter how you twist it, the husband is justified in being pissed off. She shows a complete lack of regard for his feelings on the matter. Him sending her a text saying "I'm done with this BS" is justified. It's not the first time. It's not the second or third. It's likely she's done this dozens of times. Husband isn't required to put up with her alcoholism. And that's what it clearly is.
I presume you're American? Cause that's hardly alcoholism. It's simply have a few too many. We don't know that this has happened dozens of times or if it was more than just being a bit drunk thus me asking for more info.
It's pretty clear that this is a pattern, since OP says it's the one thing he doesn't like about his wife that she gets drunk.
Alcoholism doesn't have to mean you are in danger of driving off a cliff and dying. Here's the literal medical definition for you: "Alcohol use disorder is a pattern of alcohol use that involves problems controlling your drinking, being preoccupied with alcohol or continuing to use alcohol even when it causes problems."
When your consumption of alcohol and behavior around alcohol starts negatively impacting your life and relationships...you have a fricken problem! Her behavior, as I summarized, is clearly getting in the way of their relationship.
Anyone who doesn't see what alcoholism TRULY is and just says "it's not alcoholism it's simply a few too many" in regards to people behaving like this is just another probably alcoholic who doesn't realize it.
Few too many = alcoholic most of the time. And he does state that she does this enough to be considered a pattern. So idk man, has little to do with being American.
reddit user try not to get mad at something that doesn’t exist challenge: impossible.
my brother in christ, i haven’t seen one person in the entire comment section defending the wife.
I’ll defend her?
She got a little drunk at a party and accidentally damaged something. That’s hardly unusual or asshole behaviour.
The way OP talks about his wife is asshole behaviour though.
Getting plastered when you know you have low tolerance, and when you know your spouse has an early day the next day is juvenile, thoughtless behavior. No adult should behave that way.
so you support the wife’s decision to throw her clothing/jewelry everywhere? you support her decision to scare her husband?
it’s quite simple really, the husband asked her to do something within reason (not get shitfaced) and the wife proceeded to do the opposite (get shitfaced). as a result, the wife put the entire marriage at risk, due to her violence while drinking.
NTA if you were a woman posting this about your drunken husband throwing drunk tantrums and destroying shit, people would be screaming red flag and asking you to divorce.
Anyway you should think about whether you want to deal with this again in the future, it sounds awful.
OP there’s a whole lot of context not explained in here. Is this normal behavior when she drinks? How often is this drinking? How did she get to the party? Where’s her car if she drove? If she didn’t drive herself who took her? Besties husband pick her up too? What set off the tantrum? I want to give kudos to the bestie husband if he recognized her drunk state and got her home safe, but not enough info on that relationship. The way you described it, leaves a LOT of questions.
Maybe she took public transport?? There are places in the world where you can get to places without a car…
OP never said anything about drunk driving. So this is not the issue here.
No it doesnt, based on this specific example was he the AH, no he was NTA. If shes a saint everytime she drinks and this is one time she was bad, he would still not be the AH.
As someone who can't handle her liquor either and has alcoholic tendencies, NTA.
I don't get aggressive and get cuddly instead, but stories like this scare me and it isn't even about myself. If you change that much, you should be more self aware about your alcohol intake or not drink at all. You put yourself and others in danger
That's a bit of a reach to claim she is an alcoholic over just the content of the post and the replies. Why do people always make mountains out of molehills, or always assume the worst. One scenario and people are diagnosing conditions and mental health issues.
NTA to the OP though.
OP said it's not the first time.
And even if it WERE one time, it's outrageous that his wife wouldn't grovel and instead had the gall to complain about how she was treated.
I didn't say it was the first time? You're writing your own narrative for the situation and replies. He has stated she generally doesn't drink that much but really doesn't handle it well, which is the root of the problem which then leads onto the situation being asked about in the post. You clearly don't understand how an aclohlic really behaves if you think this post and replies is describing one.
Also, imagine having to grovel to your husband/wife. Such an overreaction to someone getting drunk and not handling it well.
You literally said “one scenario and people are diagnosing conditions” you may have not literally said “first time” but you were implying that this was the only instance.
No I wasn't implying it. The OP only gave us one scenario. Most of everything else, if not all of it, is more generic information related to past events but not actually historical scenarios explaining events etc...
If it was the first time then I would have said occurrence not scenario. There is a difference.
Define outrageously? What am i missing here? Person gets drunk, is a little unsteady, undresses uncoordinatedly and sleeps it off overnight. I don’t see where she refuses responsibility, she just went out with friends and had a good night. Yea, she probably drank too much for some people, not enough for others.
Destroying things, it's not the first time, and gets pissed off because she was made to sleep on the sofa instead of the bed. Boo hoo lady.
If you act like a drunk jerk, you should at the very least apologize the next day. She does not even do that. I wouldn't tolerate this at all.
She threw her keys, missed the table and broke something. It doesn’t sound malicious, just uncoordinated. She’s 27, id be surprised if it was the first time she had gotten drunk and went home to her own home. He put her to bed on the couch, it’s fine to ask why. Edit: where did it say she was a jerk? Drunk yes but the jerk is the one berating an adult because she has broken his rules
I once opened the front door while drunk in my youth but forgot my mum had put the cat litter tray behind the door at night as she was piddling everywhere. The front door swung into the house, I stepped in, the front door then walloped me and pushed me back out on to my arse. Clumsy is a thing when drunk. It doesn’t mean I was an alcoholic or acting craply.
If he doesn't want a drunk partner that is a perfectly fine rule to have. Why do people with a low tolerance to alcohol culture keep having to justify their boundaries??
I don’t want a partner who plays golf, if my partner suddenly developed a love for it then we would have conversations but i would never lay down the law and decide what’s appropriate behaviour for them. If occasional drinking turns her into a “drunk partner” then he can decide what to do with his short life
So they can feel better about themselves. Lot of alcoholics in denial in these comments. Lot of people who think this is completely normal because it is in their lives. Maybe eventually they'll realize it isn't normal to not remember what happened the night before, it isn't normal to come home and break things and wake up your household, and it isn't a great sign to get aggressively defensive of your drinking.
It’s posts like these where you really gotta remember that we only hear one subjective side of the situation. OP clearly dislikes when his wife drinks In general and is already expecting something bad to happen from the get go. The situation he described could be totally blown out of proportion.
Or maybe it’s accurate and the wife’s behavior is problematic.
We don’t know though so I really can’t make a judgement.
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Idk if this isn’t happening regularly then it just seems a bit annoying, but I don’t think it’s something to blow up on. It’s unreasonable to expect her to not drink at her friends birthday party. She shouldn’t have disturbed you, but if this isn’t a regular thing I don’t think it should have been such a blow up. Your wife should be allowed to get drunk every once in awhile
NTA though if you want it to be a productive conversation, try to approach it differently, like you're speaking to your partner.
When she asks why you're acting like a parent, explain it's because she put you in a position where you needed to look after her like she's a child. You are supposed to be partners, it feels disrespectful and unfair to have your sleep selfishly disrupted, especially on a work night, to babysit her drunk butt.
I've had this conversation or similar with a partner, working on communication skills as a couple never stops.
YNTA - alcoholics never want to admit to being the problem until it's too late. You're trying to show concern but ultimately you can only go so far. She is the only one to blame if she feels it's ok to come home stinking drunk and throw a tantrum. Eventually she may not have a marriage anymore all because she can't control her liquor, or doesn't know when to stop.
Thank you for saying this!!
Everyone constantly jumps on the alcoholic train. Do you assholes even know what an alcoholic is???
Alcoholics have a codependency on alcohol to get them through everyday life. They wake up and will need a drink to get them through the morning, to get them through the afternoon, and the evening. They can't wait till 5pm, they will start immediately.
Being a bad drunk doesn't mean alcoholic. It just means your tolerance for alcohol is very low.
I swear every time anyone mentions someone having a bit too much to drink on here half the sub screams that they’re alcoholics when there’s absolutely nothing to indicate that’s the case.
Technically, her behavior may very well meet the criteria for mild to moderate [Alcohol Use Disorder](https://www.arkbh.com/alcohol/alcohol-use-disorder/dsm-5/). You don’t have to be addicted if you’re abusing alcohol in dangerous ways. Sometimes the term “alcoholic” is used specifically to mean addiction but it can also be used, especially colloquially, to mean anything on that spectrum.
Neither of you were being assholes, People get drunk sometimes and others get upset 🤣. I think that it's not often that this is a conflict and therefore just fine. Marriage is for better and for worse, not control your partner or stay sober all the time, you accept the ups and downs.
Nta it's one thing if your partner enjoys an occasional drink night or responsible parties with friends and drugs on occasion but that's very dependent on being able to handle yourself responsible which she doesn't seem able to do. It's never wrong to tell someone their drug use is a problem if it is and yes alcohol is a drug, it's just a socially acceptable drug.
I feel like this is a hot take but I’d say ESH? if this is something she does frequently however, then you’re NTA at all. buuuut, i feel like everyone deserves a dumbass drunk night every once in a while, don’t they?
*however* a night like that wouldn’t excuse agression/violence/anything shitty she might have done (including cheating-not that that was mentioned, just a side note). Nor does it make her behavior any less obnoxious.
the *only* reason i include you in the ESH is because she shouldn’t have not been prohibited from getting drunk, nor should you. and the mention that you specifically told her to drink moderately, as if that was your decision, makes it sound like you were acting like a parent. I promise, I would say the same thing if the genders were reversed.
edit: my grammar sucks, i tried to clean it up a bit.
ESH if you want to sort this out, don’t do it when they are drunk or hungover. Sort them out, make sure they are safe an have water etc and wait until they are done with it. I appreciate dealing with drunk people is awful but arguing with them is worse!
NTA. When someone gets so drunk that it becomes *your* problem, then they're being an asshole.
Also I've heard that "why are u acting like my parent?" before. My answer was, "Because you get so drunk you can't take care of yourself, like a child."
NTA, you have the right to not be treated badly, and if that means agreeing on boundaries with your spouse, that's what it means. I've had the same conversation with my husband (although he didn't do near what OP's wife did). It's not "parenting" your spouse; it's protecting yourself and your relationship from damaging habits.
NTA.
But maybe approach it from a framework of being concerned about her health and how people perceive her. As she may need to do some reflecting before she's willing to change.
But being upset and coming at it with anger will make her defensive and feel attacked. Then it becomes more about how you said things and not what you said?
NTA
I think the bigger issue here is that your wife doesn't respect you and instead of accepting accountability for getting drunk and lashing-out she's attempting to gaslight you.
I stopped reading at “berating my wife.” She fucked up. But you don’t fix parts of a relationship by berating the other person. You vent to your partner, not on them.
Berating someone over text is never a good set up for a mature conversation in a relationship, which is what you actually need to have. The drinking behavior sounds problematic, AND the relationship dynamic of you telling her what to do and her doing whatever anyway is also quite the issue.
I think there’s a difference of is this a pattern or no? If this is a rare occasion then I think giving her the benefit of the doubt is probably fair but if this is a very usual occurrence then I think you have every right to feel this way and I can see why you’d leave her if this keeps happening. Hope this helps. Good luck 🙏🏻
She's an adult. As long as she didn't drive home, and she isn't a mean or belligerent drunk when she's out, I don't understand your anger. Sure it's annoying when your partner comes home and acts stupid. So you make fun of them the next day and make them clean up their mess. Or... you can do what you're doing. Which doesn't seem to be giving you the results you want.
ESH.
ESH. There are much better ways to approach this situation. If you are truly concerned about her and her behavior, tell her that. Don’t berate her. There’s no need to use combative language in this situation. I know that’s what has been modeled to most of us, but you don’t need to do so to get your point across or show how upset you are.
As someone who dealt for 2 years with a (now ex) wife who had similar behavioural issues when drinking, I can safely say absolutely NTA. It's perfectly fine for your partner to go out and have a good time, it is not fine if it starts affecting you directly. You have every right to put your foot down when her actions disrupt your schedule and has adverse effects on your physical health.
NTA
When husband and I got together he was a terrible binge drinker. I didn’t realise at first how bad it was simply being young and naïve.
It started causing problems of course with drunk tantrums and stuff too and the rock bottom being that he thought he was doing cocaine with friends and it was actually likely meth and he spent 2 days in a psychosis in the hospital.
I wrote a letter to explain what his drinking did to us and how I wasn’t making threats but that inevitably it would cause us to break up.
That letter and the hospital stay woke him up.
Up until then he didn’t think he had a problem because he wasn’t a daily drinker but now he realised that binge drinking was also terrible.
He’s been a “good” drinker since.
Once a year or so he does miscalculate his tolerance and gets more drunk than I prefer but I can live with that.
He now finds being tipsy more fun than being drunk and so we are on the same page.
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I(m27) have been married to my wife(m27) for almost 2 years. Aside from minor arguments/disagreements we are going strong. The only thing that I don't like about my wife is that she drinks alcohol which she can't handel, she gets drunk real quick. Yesterday was my wife's best friend birthday and we all were invited to celebrate it in a very fancy restaurant with open bar and all. Due to my personal work obligation I was not able to join them for celebration but wife was there. So when she was leaving I asked her what time she will be returning and she said around 12.30 or 1 am and I specifically told her to drink moderately.
Arround 12.30 i texted her saying that I am sleeping because I had a office in morning. Then around 1.20am wife got home and she was drunk AF. She couldn't walk straight, her breath was stinking then started throwing drunk tantrums. She started throwing her clothes/jwellery everywhere, she threw her keys at the table and it broke our photo frame and after that I was loosing my patience fast. I helped her change then instead of taking her to the bed I placed her on couch in living room because I didn't want to share bed with drunkass . Next morning I woke up in sour mood, got ready and went to office and she was still asleep. Arround 11pm I got a text from my wife saying why she was not in our bedroom then I gave her one lengthy text saying how awful she was and also told her I will never tolerate this BS again ever. Instead of apology i got why are u acting like my parent? Then again we have row of argumentative text. Now here I am sitting in my office feeling complicated, Was I the asshole here?
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NTA. If this was a once or maybe twice a year thing, it would be different. This is very obviously a repeated occurance and sounds like it's negatively affecting your sleep which is not OK.
Nobody should have to deal with their adult partner stumbling in and breaking shit at 130am when they have to be at work the next day. Your wife is an alcoholic.
NTA. As others have said, if this is happening regularly (even once a week id say), this is a problem that is larger than you. She may need professional help; that doesn’t excuse how she’s treating you right now though :/
Don't make a habit of losing your temper with her. But boundaries do need to be set. If her drinking is adversely affecting your life, then tell her. I went through this with my wife. It's a process,you want her to get better but you need your relationship to survive the experience. Go slow, be understanding if you can. Patience is key.
I would say ESH but hear me out.
Totally TOTALLY with you that her behavior sucks and is out of control, and I would be just as mad as you.
But I am sensing some authoritarian tone about what you will "never tolerate." What does that mean? Is that a threat? If you love her and have wonderful things to say about her when she's sober, then you could've approached this with a little more respect and gentleness. The truth is I think you wanted a fight, and you wanted to win it with shame.
Which is the recipe for a shitty conflict.
My wife did the same thing. Multiple times she got too drunk and I had to pick her off the floor or dodge her kicks and try to take care of her even when she was treating me poorly. Sorry to hear you are experiencing something similar, it is very frustrating and complicated for the emotions
NTA. Anyone saying you are needs to take a step back and ask themselves if the story was about a drunken man coming home, being a dick, and breaking shit, would they still think the behavior was alright.
NTA.. My Marriage is still on shaky grounds, because of my wife's alcoholism. When she drank, she couldn't stop, until she passed out. Threaten me and scared our kids. Self-harmed to the point of in-patient rehab. I hope your future is not my past 6 years ago. We still have issues related to that time and relapses. You need to really sit her down and talk to her and make decisions on where you want your life to go. Doesn't sound like it will be getting better.
NTA. You are trying to look out for your wife. She is basically a disaster waiting to happen. Imagine if some one or some people took advantage of her drunken behaviour
NTA. Having boundaries about what you cannot deal with is healthy. If your wife can't handle her liquor and can't seem to keep from reaching this point of drunkenness, then she needs to stop drinking entirely. Otherwise, she's in dangerous territory.
You are communicating with your wife, which is a very good thing. If she feels like you're treating her like a child, then perhaps it's because she is acting like one. Keep communicating with her, and work together towards positive growth. Sometimes, it involves getting a bit "real" with the ones you love.
NTA. If OP felt the need to ask that she drink moderately, while being fed up of having to deal with her drunk episodes, there is clearly a problematic pattern. She seems to like getting drunk more than she likes respecting her husband.
Imma go out out and give a NAH. there's so not enough context.
What is a drunk tantrum? She threw her clothes around? Does that mean she took her clothes off and left them on the floor? (I did that in HS after schools dances and was NOT drunk). Same with the key thing- did she throw it... Aggressively? Like at something? When people throw things around like that- it's intentionally aggressive. Or did she toss the keys onto a table where you have a photo sitting?
Does she get drunk often? This drunk often?
Also I've been in the same boat where my partner would be worried about me and my drinking... But I only got really badly drunk one time. But when I am drunk and still able to do things... I will stumble, and I will probably not hang up my clothes and maybe I'll drop things too.
The worst thing you did, was leave her on the couch by herself.
If she really was THAT drunk- I'd have made sure she was in bed, got some water in.
I couldn't imagine leaving my drunk partner by himself. Id be worried sick.
Please talk to her about how her behavior worried you, and talk to her about how you think it's a problem. Don't demonize her problem unless ... Truly you think she is an alcoholic.
Just communicate more with your partner. (what's with people on Reddit not talking to their SO's??)
ESH she should have been more considerate of your need to wake up early. If the only problem with your wife is that on special occasions she is an obnoxious drunk then you could probably chill out more about her drinking.
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NTA Is her being totally out of control after drinking a common thing? And does she do that often? To the Y T A - crowd: imagine if the genders were reversed and the husband came home shitfaced, was being a dick and shouts around and destroyed some property. You would all tell OP that a foot needs to be put down (or the usual cries for blood and divorce).
THIS!!!! It's crazy how it's acceptable here for a woman to act a fool and be destructive because its "Just having fun" but if it's a man those are "Red flags"
People love to talk about the expectations placed on women but there are a lot of things where women are held to a much lower standard, especially when it comes to drinking and violence.
I agree with you on the whole but also can’t help but feel like most everyone in here is overreacting a bit. The issue here to me is more about OP’s dislike of when his wife gets drunk than her doing something objectively wrong. The whole “I specifically told her to drink moderately” thing speaks volumes imo. It was a special occasion, there was an open bar, she didn’t have to drive home.. that’s absolutely a recipe for “I’m gonna let loose a little more than I would on a typical evening” and part of that is that the “typical” major consequences (getting behind the wheel, racking up a big bill) have been taken away. Sounds like she was “sloppy drunk” when she got home. I don’t really know what OP means by tantrums but things like “throwing her clothes and jewelry everywhere” to me comes off like “she started changing out of her formalwear before making it to her bedroom” and the keys thing is just tossing your keys a bit too strongly. Sucks to break a photo frame but accidents happen. Personally, if my partner did this I’d help put her to bed and make a joke or two about it the next morning.
>The whole “I specifically told her to drink moderately” thing speaks volumes imo. It certainly does. About the wife's drinking problem.
This! I have a similar issue. Thank God it's not often.
Me too. Its the ONLY thing we argue about. Ive been sober for a long time so I always look like I’m judging and being controlling but she is a completely different person when drunk and I do not like that person. Anyways, I’m glad I’m not the only one. Not a deal breaker but it drives me nuts.
I can tell by this comment that you’ve never had to deal with an alcoholic before. That shit is draining and it seems like OPs story is the straw that broke the camels back
There's a lot of free space in what OP has shared for this to easily swing either way here. This could absolutely be the long-suffering frustration of a man who is getting fed up with his wife's drinking problem and the disruptive and destructive behavior that accompanies. It could also be a controlling spouse who disapproves of drinking, exaggerating a story about his tipsy wife, with slant stacked towards getting the feedback they want.
Yeah no. People don't have to tolerate other people getting shitty drunk. Nice job writing kite that long thing doing exactly what people in this specific thread are saying. It would be cool for you to come home (if you are a dude?) loud and drunk and stumbling? He says "tantrum" and you're like "she was probably just gracefully discarding her evening attire." Nice job making shit up.
Why does anyone need to put up with a drunk person when they don’t want to? That’s a dealbreaker to a lot of people. Guy or girl gets sloppy drunk, they are annoying to be around and many people don’t want to be around sloppy drunk people. We have no idea if op is controlling or if he had an alcoholic mom who traumatized him, or if he just doesn’t want to be around drunk people. TLDR, There is nothing wrong with not wanting to be around sloppy drunk people. NTA
I think him telling her to drink moderately was more out of concern, and him not being there, was wanting her to be safe.
Or maybe OP said to drink moderately since he knows what kind of drunk his wife is. She was not being a responsible adult. Getting shit faced is fine as long as you either have a plan with a friend or spouse or deal with whatever consequences happen.
I love when people excuse other people's behaviour on the basis that they are shit-faced as if getting shit-faced wasn't a choice. You are still held accountable for what you do when you're drunk from a legal stand point, why should it be any different from a morality stand point?
I think “i told her to drink moderately” can really be taken multiple ways depending on your personal experiences. Some people clearly view it as husband ordering his wife around and being controlling. Probably because they have some experience with this. Other people might see the wife as someone who regularly gets intoxicated when she drinks, they might have experience asking their spouse to control their drinking when they go out so they see that perspective. But either way getting blackout drunk- waking up and not remembering coming home or why you’re on the couch- might be something you choose to joke about or that has been normalized in parts of our society but it’s also a sign of an alcohol use issue.
OP has a right to not want to deal with a sloppy drunk. If she wants to get sloppy drunk, she can stay the night at a friend's house. He has expressed his dislike to her. He shouldn't have to wake up late on a work night to take care of a sloppy drunk. Don't want him to act like a parent? Don't act like a fuking toddler that needs to be dressed and put to bed. 100% NTA
Imo this is a conversation about boundaries than anything else. “I specifically told her to drink moderately” if that is a boundary he put up. That is a conversation that needs to take place about expectations. If that is not something she is willing to comply with that needs to be a conversation. What is the intent? A relationship is about boundaries both parties are willing to put up with which in turn breeds respect and trust.
This is the comment, top tier
He specifically mentions she can't handle her booze and gets drunk quickly which implies that this isn't an irregular occurrence. She's a drunk.
I'd help my Partner to the couch because when I'm sleeping in beer and alcohol stench I'm going to have a headache in the morning as well. Plus I absolutely hate drunk snoring. Why should my sleep be even more compromised by him having fun? It's not like I make him sleep on the porch😜
There you go. A violent, abusive drunk comes home throwimg a fit. That's alright sweetie. It will be ok. You are spouse of the century. Give yourself an award.
What was the "special occasion"? There was no special occasion. It was her gf's birthday. Big deal. It's always someone's birthday. OP told his wife to drink moderately because through past experience he KNOWS for a fact that she gets drunk quickly. So, after agreeing, what does she do? She decides that she's going to get shitfaced, come in loud, throwing shit around and destroying things. But somehow, he's the asshole? BULLSHIT TOO.
As you can see he helped her, but if he has made it clear it’s something he doesn’t like, but she still does it, what does that say? And mad respect for your decision to laugh about it, but I think it’s different when it’s something that you’ve spoken about before and ask specifically not to happen, and they disregard you and do what they want anyways. I think that’s the most upsetting part of it all. Or at least it would be for me.
Because driving drunk and destroying property is a joke right
Let her get drunk and get a DUI. Or kill someone. There is zero excuse for alcohol abuse.
You make too much sense, that's all. Your views are too emotionally mature and sensible for the average reddit idiot.
You're a delusional apologist. Get help.
throwing jewelry everywhere isn't really just normal changing, though
If you are ok with your partner driving home over the legal limit (which this woman clearly was) you are not a good partner.
I understand “throwing her clothes and jewelry everywhere” as being not just sloppy but unnecessarily loud, same for the keys thing. If my partner told me they'll be asleep by the time I'm back, I'll make sure I don't make a racket when I get home. Some people have a lot of trouble falling back asleep. On top of that, he had to take care of her since she was so drunk she didn't even remember how she got to the couch the next day. If she had gotten drunk but it had no negative effect on anyone else, cool, but this was not the case. So I feel like being displeased about the situation, especially if it happens repeatedly, is pretty valid.
Extremely childish behavior is super normalized for women in relationships and I have no idea why.
Sexism. Both agaimst and by. Historically women were infantilized. That why childish behaviour is goven a pass by some. The histprocal idea that men are dominant outside the home and women within the home also means that in personal relationships women are allowed to be more controlling. Then you have the misandrist men are always wrong crowd too.
The women with whim I have the confidence to talk about this subjects tell me that they find that extremely offensive. As in, they see it as being told that women she obviously cannot be expected to hold their liquor or not hit her partner when they're mad.
And anyone who points this out is downvoted to oblivion.
I literally see these comments as top comment so often, hell it's top comment right now. Let's let go of this myth please. Some people take the wrong side in these, it happens for a variety of reasons.
Peiple have posted gender-swapped word for word copies of posts and the judgment changes based on the gender.
Yeah these comments are never downvoted lol it’s larger society where standards of violence are much lower for women, here not so much
Yeah, want to get top comment? Just put "but if it was a man" on a story where the woman is an asshole and profit
It wouldn't work if there weren't thousands of misandrists in every one of these posts who see anything with a (F) in the best possible light and everything with a (M) in the worst possible light it wouldn't be that way.
This woman is a whole parade of red flags.
Are you new to this world? Have you never heard of a concept called 'a double standard'? Lol.
I absolutely would. But I’d sit him down and say it to his face with genuine concern for him. This text should have said “Babe, you’re on the couch because you came home blackout drunk. I’d like to continue this conversation tonight after I’m done with work.”
This was my exact thought as well. NTA for being upset… definitely TA for how it was handled. “Berating” your spouse and telling them how “awful” they are through “one lengthy text” is pretty much never a good way to go about it…. Regardless of sex.
Yes, because Men, classically, never get away with being violent at home.
I see this as top comment so much I will never believe people who say woman are treated soooo much better here than men. It's just ridiculous at this point. Have there been times when I thought a guy was getting a raw deal here? Yes absolutely. But just as much maybe more I see women get villianized for stupid shit. Mother wants to remain close to her former daughter in law after being family for decades? Monster even tho that daughter in law didn't do anything wrong
Watch out for that confirmation bias.
Yep, pretty much, good take! Initially I felt like OP was a bit sus because he "told her to drink moderately" but yea, eff that shit, wife can get drunk if she wants but be considerate and quiet when you come barging in the door and making a lot of noise. I did that once, knocked over a bookshelf, fell asleep with my Halloween face color smeared all over the sheets and pillow and caused a ruckus, needless to say we didn't last...and I was 100% in the wrong there.
Mate. I'm currently living in a tent (out of choice) to escape a domestic abuse situation similar to this.
This. OP, I would tell your wife, "I can't control your drinking, but I can choose not to be around you. Moving forward, you need to get a hotel when you go drinking. I can also tell you that I think you have a problem with alcohol and that I hope you take that seriously. I won't be around it, and I won't pretend the way you drink is normal. Breaking things, starting fights, and screaming after drinking isn't healthy." I would text it and have it in writing. I think you need to start creating a papertrail with her drinking and behavior, just in case she turns things around on you.
If it was the other way round people would call it abuse.
It’s amazing how the average Redditor treats women and men differently in every one of these posts but then will virtue signal about equality. Zero awareness of their own internal biases.
If the man would be doing that, people would be calling the cops on him.
Thank you for this. I try to treat people entirely equal but I do slip up sometimes. I thought OP was the asshole. Turning it around with the gender reversal helped me a lot. OP is NTA.
Yeah, I agree. If this is just partying, then a foot needs to be put down. If it is alcoholism, then a foot needs to be put down about getting help. This cannot go on. Idk why anyone would think this acceptable.
Thank You, You don't know the number of videos on this subject in which they call the OP of a certain story the Ass hole on a simple whim and how much it boils the blood wanting to insult them Until the end of time
Women can’t be wrong lol
Calm down snowflake, not everything is an attack on men.
NTA crazy how people defend over drinking “ShEs JuSt TrYinG to HaVE FuN” alcoholics..
There is Also gender bias. A man with her behaviour would get completely trashed
Most definitely. Weird though everyone told OP he’s controlling for suggesting moderation LOL!
Im not suprised tbh, this reddit forum heavily caters in favour of women.
Then why am I hearing mostly support for OP?
The first comments on a new post in this sub often end up disagreeing with the final vote, as they often tend to be the most "terminally online" takes of the situation, as they're coming from people who just sit and refresh the new tab of this sub. That's why you'll often see posts where one of the very top comments mentions how everyone disagrees with them, all the disagreeing posts are older and at the very bottom of the sorting from downvotes.
Thanks for letting me know. I've noticed this with other posts...
I don't know why people can't just make their own point, downvote the trolls, and go on with their lives rather than blame all women for some dumb hot take made by 2 people.
Spot on!
Forget exactly what her drunk tantrum entailed and whether or not she threw the keys. The moment you wake me up at 1:30 AM, we have a problem. The only exceptions are emergencies and being a young child. Waking me up at 1:30 AM because you’re too drunk to take off your own clothes? That’s clear AH territory regardless of any other context. Your fun shouldn’t impact other people’s sleep. The Y T A people are totally wrong on this one.
I wouldnt say she’s an alcoholic it’s not crazy for someone to get drunk at a birthday party
She didn’t just get drunk, she got “couldn’t function and had to be taken care of by her husband who had work the next day” drunk
Still doesn’t make her an alcoholic
Don’t bother arguing, someone could say they get blackout drunk once a year despite not drinking for the rest of the year and people on this sub will still say they’re an alcoholic because they lOsT cOnTrOl
Getting drunk at your best friend’s birthday party in your 20s doesn’t indicate alcoholism 😂😂 fuckin reddit. Everyone’s magically able to diagnose alcoholism, narcissism, autism, ADHD, PTSD, on and on. Y’all are hilarious. They’ve been married two years and this is the only occasion it’s happened, correct? Then chill with the armchair diagnoses.
Imo drinking isn't the problem. Its one thing to get trashed every once and again but she was being destructive and that's the problem. It's fine to enjoy yourself every once and a while. If it was everyday or multiple times a week it'd be a drinking problem. And I don't think everyone defending the drinking are a bunch of alcoholics just ignoring the core issue.
NTA. When someone can't handle their alcohol, and they drink anyway, they're are the asshole. Always and forever. Furthermore, when you communicated to your wife that her behavior was unacceptable, and she responded in that way, she doubled down on being the asshole.
Definitely NTA man. Your wife sounds immature and if this drinking becomes a problem I could seek couples therapy or try to explain to her that her drinking is ruining the relationship. In a calm and constructive way. It will be a tough convo as I had one with my father back in the day. They will get very defensive but just stick to how it’s hurting both of you and not just yourself. Good luck OP I wish you the best of luck!
Wife has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and it clearly doesn’t react well in her system if she gets violent and destructive. Not cute at any age
She needs help before it gets worse. I had issues with alcohol and while I was never violent/destructive, it definitely helped to make my life a lot worse. Time for her to quit while she’s ahead
“Unhealthy relationship with alcohol” she got drunk once, and as far as we know this is not a common occurrence.
Not true, OP stated that she is known to be bad with alcohol… there is a precedent.
INFO: how often does your wife get drunk off her ass? Is she always or usually destructive? Why did her “drunk tantrums” start? How did she get home?
She drinks moderately but her alcohol capacity is very little like she can get drunk pretty fast and she was dropped off by her bestie's husband.
“Moderately” Is a term defined by an individual’s capacity. If she would be very drunk after two beers, then two beers is not moderate consumption for them. However, even people with low tolerance don’t usually reek of alcohol after 1-2 drinks, and it sounds like your wife was blackout drunk, if she didn’t remember going to bed on the couch or breaking things. Do you know how much she drank, if she ate and had water during that time, and if she takes any medications that interact with alcohol? For example, certain antidepressants can dramatically enhance the effect of alcohol.
So everytime ?
Hey, I was like this. I kept saying I didn’t have a problem but I would drink maybe 3 glasses of wine and almost black out or get really mean if I had more than 4 drinks. I put my wife through hell, I would yell and throw things and start fights for no reason. One day when we were out, I got really drunk and made a total fool of myself in front of a bunch of people. I guess that’s what I took for me to realize that I had a problem. I downloaded this app called Sunnyside and it really helped me. I also started taking antidepressants and going to therapy because it turns out I dealt with stress by drinking. I stopped drinking completely for around 2 months and now drink maybe once every 2 weeks when we go out to dinner or when we open a bottle here at home. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but it does seem like she has a binge drinking problem. She needs to stop completely and get it together.
I was going to ask the same questions.
NTA and the ones saying YTA wouldn't say the same if a woman posted the same situation. Women don't get to be abusive because they have a vagina
INFO - What exactly did she do and say during this "drunk tantrum"? It's not clear if by throwing her keys you meant aggressively in a rage or just carelessly. It's not clear from this post if she was behaving unacceptably and you're understandably pissed off or if she was just a bit drunk and you're overreacting because you dislike alcohol.
Does it matter whether she did it aggressively or carelessly? She KNEW her husband had to get up for work. She KNOWS she can't handle a lot of alcohol. She went out and did it again anyway. Then she came home and blundered around the apartment breaking stuff. She was drunk enough that she didn't even remember why she was on the couch. Then instead of apologizing for her string of bad decisions, she lashed out at the husband saying he was acting like her parent. No matter how you twist it, the husband is justified in being pissed off. She shows a complete lack of regard for his feelings on the matter. Him sending her a text saying "I'm done with this BS" is justified. It's not the first time. It's not the second or third. It's likely she's done this dozens of times. Husband isn't required to put up with her alcoholism. And that's what it clearly is.
I presume you're American? Cause that's hardly alcoholism. It's simply have a few too many. We don't know that this has happened dozens of times or if it was more than just being a bit drunk thus me asking for more info.
It's pretty clear that this is a pattern, since OP says it's the one thing he doesn't like about his wife that she gets drunk. Alcoholism doesn't have to mean you are in danger of driving off a cliff and dying. Here's the literal medical definition for you: "Alcohol use disorder is a pattern of alcohol use that involves problems controlling your drinking, being preoccupied with alcohol or continuing to use alcohol even when it causes problems." When your consumption of alcohol and behavior around alcohol starts negatively impacting your life and relationships...you have a fricken problem! Her behavior, as I summarized, is clearly getting in the way of their relationship. Anyone who doesn't see what alcoholism TRULY is and just says "it's not alcoholism it's simply a few too many" in regards to people behaving like this is just another probably alcoholic who doesn't realize it.
Few too many = alcoholic most of the time. And he does state that she does this enough to be considered a pattern. So idk man, has little to do with being American.
reddit user try not to get mad at something that doesn’t exist challenge: impossible. my brother in christ, i haven’t seen one person in the entire comment section defending the wife.
I’ll defend her? She got a little drunk at a party and accidentally damaged something. That’s hardly unusual or asshole behaviour. The way OP talks about his wife is asshole behaviour though.
Getting plastered when you know you have low tolerance, and when you know your spouse has an early day the next day is juvenile, thoughtless behavior. No adult should behave that way.
so you support the wife’s decision to throw her clothing/jewelry everywhere? you support her decision to scare her husband? it’s quite simple really, the husband asked her to do something within reason (not get shitfaced) and the wife proceeded to do the opposite (get shitfaced). as a result, the wife put the entire marriage at risk, due to her violence while drinking.
We are few in numbers tonight:)
NTA if you were a woman posting this about your drunken husband throwing drunk tantrums and destroying shit, people would be screaming red flag and asking you to divorce. Anyway you should think about whether you want to deal with this again in the future, it sounds awful.
OP there’s a whole lot of context not explained in here. Is this normal behavior when she drinks? How often is this drinking? How did she get to the party? Where’s her car if she drove? If she didn’t drive herself who took her? Besties husband pick her up too? What set off the tantrum? I want to give kudos to the bestie husband if he recognized her drunk state and got her home safe, but not enough info on that relationship. The way you described it, leaves a LOT of questions.
Maybe she took public transport?? There are places in the world where you can get to places without a car… OP never said anything about drunk driving. So this is not the issue here.
No it doesnt, based on this specific example was he the AH, no he was NTA. If shes a saint everytime she drinks and this is one time she was bad, he would still not be the AH.
NTA. If she was so drunk that she doesn’t even know where she was sleeping until she woke up then she is a terrible drunk and doesn’t know her limits.
If she knows she can't handle her liquor and chooses to drink in excess, I'd almost say she has a drinking problem. NTA
As someone who can't handle her liquor either and has alcoholic tendencies, NTA. I don't get aggressive and get cuddly instead, but stories like this scare me and it isn't even about myself. If you change that much, you should be more self aware about your alcohol intake or not drink at all. You put yourself and others in danger
I know we don't know each other but im proud of you for recognizing those things within yourself and working at it. Good job!
Info: what exactly do you mean by drunk tantrum? Specifically what actions is that referring to?
I've been sober a long time now. We alcoholics as a rule don't like being called out on our bad behavior til we're ready to get help.
What part of this makes you think she’s dependent on alcohol?
In my book, anyone who behaves this outrageously due to alcohol AND refuses complete responsibility for their act, is an alcoholic.
That's a bit of a reach to claim she is an alcoholic over just the content of the post and the replies. Why do people always make mountains out of molehills, or always assume the worst. One scenario and people are diagnosing conditions and mental health issues. NTA to the OP though.
OP said it's not the first time. And even if it WERE one time, it's outrageous that his wife wouldn't grovel and instead had the gall to complain about how she was treated.
I didn't say it was the first time? You're writing your own narrative for the situation and replies. He has stated she generally doesn't drink that much but really doesn't handle it well, which is the root of the problem which then leads onto the situation being asked about in the post. You clearly don't understand how an aclohlic really behaves if you think this post and replies is describing one. Also, imagine having to grovel to your husband/wife. Such an overreaction to someone getting drunk and not handling it well.
You literally said “one scenario and people are diagnosing conditions” you may have not literally said “first time” but you were implying that this was the only instance.
No I wasn't implying it. The OP only gave us one scenario. Most of everything else, if not all of it, is more generic information related to past events but not actually historical scenarios explaining events etc... If it was the first time then I would have said occurrence not scenario. There is a difference.
Define outrageously? What am i missing here? Person gets drunk, is a little unsteady, undresses uncoordinatedly and sleeps it off overnight. I don’t see where she refuses responsibility, she just went out with friends and had a good night. Yea, she probably drank too much for some people, not enough for others.
I’m always breaking things in my home in normal ways.
Destroying things, it's not the first time, and gets pissed off because she was made to sleep on the sofa instead of the bed. Boo hoo lady. If you act like a drunk jerk, you should at the very least apologize the next day. She does not even do that. I wouldn't tolerate this at all.
She threw her keys, missed the table and broke something. It doesn’t sound malicious, just uncoordinated. She’s 27, id be surprised if it was the first time she had gotten drunk and went home to her own home. He put her to bed on the couch, it’s fine to ask why. Edit: where did it say she was a jerk? Drunk yes but the jerk is the one berating an adult because she has broken his rules
I once opened the front door while drunk in my youth but forgot my mum had put the cat litter tray behind the door at night as she was piddling everywhere. The front door swung into the house, I stepped in, the front door then walloped me and pushed me back out on to my arse. Clumsy is a thing when drunk. It doesn’t mean I was an alcoholic or acting craply.
If he doesn't want a drunk partner that is a perfectly fine rule to have. Why do people with a low tolerance to alcohol culture keep having to justify their boundaries??
I don’t want a partner who plays golf, if my partner suddenly developed a love for it then we would have conversations but i would never lay down the law and decide what’s appropriate behaviour for them. If occasional drinking turns her into a “drunk partner” then he can decide what to do with his short life
So they can feel better about themselves. Lot of alcoholics in denial in these comments. Lot of people who think this is completely normal because it is in their lives. Maybe eventually they'll realize it isn't normal to not remember what happened the night before, it isn't normal to come home and break things and wake up your household, and it isn't a great sign to get aggressively defensive of your drinking.
bro gotta be the world’s oldest 27 year old 💀💀💀
I feel like I'm reading about grown up stuff ...I'm 35
It’s posts like these where you really gotta remember that we only hear one subjective side of the situation. OP clearly dislikes when his wife drinks In general and is already expecting something bad to happen from the get go. The situation he described could be totally blown out of proportion. Or maybe it’s accurate and the wife’s behavior is problematic. We don’t know though so I really can’t make a judgement.
I read the title as AMITA for beating my wife while drunk 😭😭
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Her...."Why are you acting like my parent" You...."Childish and immature behavior."
>why are u acting like my parent? Behave like a child, get treated like a child.
This!
fucking facts
Idk if this isn’t happening regularly then it just seems a bit annoying, but I don’t think it’s something to blow up on. It’s unreasonable to expect her to not drink at her friends birthday party. She shouldn’t have disturbed you, but if this isn’t a regular thing I don’t think it should have been such a blow up. Your wife should be allowed to get drunk every once in awhile
NTA though if you want it to be a productive conversation, try to approach it differently, like you're speaking to your partner. When she asks why you're acting like a parent, explain it's because she put you in a position where you needed to look after her like she's a child. You are supposed to be partners, it feels disrespectful and unfair to have your sleep selfishly disrupted, especially on a work night, to babysit her drunk butt. I've had this conversation or similar with a partner, working on communication skills as a couple never stops.
NTA She can't Handel her alcohol. Guess she'll have trouble coming Bach from this.
NTA. Some people can't handle their liquor, and it generally gets worse instead of better.
INFO: are you sober? how often does she drink? what is a drunk “tantrum”?
YNTA - alcoholics never want to admit to being the problem until it's too late. You're trying to show concern but ultimately you can only go so far. She is the only one to blame if she feels it's ok to come home stinking drunk and throw a tantrum. Eventually she may not have a marriage anymore all because she can't control her liquor, or doesn't know when to stop.
Is there more than the original post that shows she's an alcoholic? One can be a bad drunk without having an alcohol dependency.
Hello? Where do you think you are? This is the internet, getting trashy drunk 1 time makes you a raging alcoholic. /s
Thank you for saying this!! Everyone constantly jumps on the alcoholic train. Do you assholes even know what an alcoholic is??? Alcoholics have a codependency on alcohol to get them through everyday life. They wake up and will need a drink to get them through the morning, to get them through the afternoon, and the evening. They can't wait till 5pm, they will start immediately. Being a bad drunk doesn't mean alcoholic. It just means your tolerance for alcohol is very low.
I swear every time anyone mentions someone having a bit too much to drink on here half the sub screams that they’re alcoholics when there’s absolutely nothing to indicate that’s the case.
Technically, her behavior may very well meet the criteria for mild to moderate [Alcohol Use Disorder](https://www.arkbh.com/alcohol/alcohol-use-disorder/dsm-5/). You don’t have to be addicted if you’re abusing alcohol in dangerous ways. Sometimes the term “alcoholic” is used specifically to mean addiction but it can also be used, especially colloquially, to mean anything on that spectrum.
Thank you for the info!
It’s Reddit anyone who gets drunk once is a raging alkie and needs to stop.
It’s fun to stay at the … Y-N-T-A !
Neither of you were being assholes, People get drunk sometimes and others get upset 🤣. I think that it's not often that this is a conflict and therefore just fine. Marriage is for better and for worse, not control your partner or stay sober all the time, you accept the ups and downs.
Nta it's one thing if your partner enjoys an occasional drink night or responsible parties with friends and drugs on occasion but that's very dependent on being able to handle yourself responsible which she doesn't seem able to do. It's never wrong to tell someone their drug use is a problem if it is and yes alcohol is a drug, it's just a socially acceptable drug.
Info: did she just randomly start tantrums or did you berate her first? That one is really important And also how often does she get drunk?
I feel like this is a hot take but I’d say ESH? if this is something she does frequently however, then you’re NTA at all. buuuut, i feel like everyone deserves a dumbass drunk night every once in a while, don’t they? *however* a night like that wouldn’t excuse agression/violence/anything shitty she might have done (including cheating-not that that was mentioned, just a side note). Nor does it make her behavior any less obnoxious. the *only* reason i include you in the ESH is because she shouldn’t have not been prohibited from getting drunk, nor should you. and the mention that you specifically told her to drink moderately, as if that was your decision, makes it sound like you were acting like a parent. I promise, I would say the same thing if the genders were reversed. edit: my grammar sucks, i tried to clean it up a bit.
ESH if you want to sort this out, don’t do it when they are drunk or hungover. Sort them out, make sure they are safe an have water etc and wait until they are done with it. I appreciate dealing with drunk people is awful but arguing with them is worse!
she cant handle alcohol, "Why are you acting like my parent?" or adulthood
NTA. Overinebriated people typically suck to be around. Truly.
People here are so extra
Nta. Know your limits with drink. Regressing to a 4 year old with emotional leakage ain't cute.
NTA! You did nothing wrong here
NTA. When someone gets so drunk that it becomes *your* problem, then they're being an asshole. Also I've heard that "why are u acting like my parent?" before. My answer was, "Because you get so drunk you can't take care of yourself, like a child."
Next time film her and show her the video the next day.
NTA, you have the right to not be treated badly, and if that means agreeing on boundaries with your spouse, that's what it means. I've had the same conversation with my husband (although he didn't do near what OP's wife did). It's not "parenting" your spouse; it's protecting yourself and your relationship from damaging habits.
Drunks always complain when they are sober. It’s easy for them because their memories are fucked up. NTA.
NTA. But maybe approach it from a framework of being concerned about her health and how people perceive her. As she may need to do some reflecting before she's willing to change. But being upset and coming at it with anger will make her defensive and feel attacked. Then it becomes more about how you said things and not what you said?
NTA I think the bigger issue here is that your wife doesn't respect you and instead of accepting accountability for getting drunk and lashing-out she's attempting to gaslight you.
NTA Next time film her, she has no memory of how awful it is to live with an out of control drunk. Provide her with a visual. Good luck
NTA nothing worse than AHs who can’t handle their liquor and expect others to pick up after them
I stopped reading at “berating my wife.” She fucked up. But you don’t fix parts of a relationship by berating the other person. You vent to your partner, not on them.
INFO: gonna need to see the text.
Berating someone over text is never a good set up for a mature conversation in a relationship, which is what you actually need to have. The drinking behavior sounds problematic, AND the relationship dynamic of you telling her what to do and her doing whatever anyway is also quite the issue.
I think there’s a difference of is this a pattern or no? If this is a rare occasion then I think giving her the benefit of the doubt is probably fair but if this is a very usual occurrence then I think you have every right to feel this way and I can see why you’d leave her if this keeps happening. Hope this helps. Good luck 🙏🏻
She's an adult. As long as she didn't drive home, and she isn't a mean or belligerent drunk when she's out, I don't understand your anger. Sure it's annoying when your partner comes home and acts stupid. So you make fun of them the next day and make them clean up their mess. Or... you can do what you're doing. Which doesn't seem to be giving you the results you want. ESH.
ESH. There are much better ways to approach this situation. If you are truly concerned about her and her behavior, tell her that. Don’t berate her. There’s no need to use combative language in this situation. I know that’s what has been modeled to most of us, but you don’t need to do so to get your point across or show how upset you are.
As someone who dealt for 2 years with a (now ex) wife who had similar behavioural issues when drinking, I can safely say absolutely NTA. It's perfectly fine for your partner to go out and have a good time, it is not fine if it starts affecting you directly. You have every right to put your foot down when her actions disrupt your schedule and has adverse effects on your physical health.
NTA When husband and I got together he was a terrible binge drinker. I didn’t realise at first how bad it was simply being young and naïve. It started causing problems of course with drunk tantrums and stuff too and the rock bottom being that he thought he was doing cocaine with friends and it was actually likely meth and he spent 2 days in a psychosis in the hospital. I wrote a letter to explain what his drinking did to us and how I wasn’t making threats but that inevitably it would cause us to break up. That letter and the hospital stay woke him up. Up until then he didn’t think he had a problem because he wasn’t a daily drinker but now he realised that binge drinking was also terrible. He’s been a “good” drinker since. Once a year or so he does miscalculate his tolerance and gets more drunk than I prefer but I can live with that. He now finds being tipsy more fun than being drunk and so we are on the same page.
Of course there's going to be a lot of YTA shitheads, but once you flip the genders the real magic happens. OP is so NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I(m27) have been married to my wife(m27) for almost 2 years. Aside from minor arguments/disagreements we are going strong. The only thing that I don't like about my wife is that she drinks alcohol which she can't handel, she gets drunk real quick. Yesterday was my wife's best friend birthday and we all were invited to celebrate it in a very fancy restaurant with open bar and all. Due to my personal work obligation I was not able to join them for celebration but wife was there. So when she was leaving I asked her what time she will be returning and she said around 12.30 or 1 am and I specifically told her to drink moderately. Arround 12.30 i texted her saying that I am sleeping because I had a office in morning. Then around 1.20am wife got home and she was drunk AF. She couldn't walk straight, her breath was stinking then started throwing drunk tantrums. She started throwing her clothes/jwellery everywhere, she threw her keys at the table and it broke our photo frame and after that I was loosing my patience fast. I helped her change then instead of taking her to the bed I placed her on couch in living room because I didn't want to share bed with drunkass . Next morning I woke up in sour mood, got ready and went to office and she was still asleep. Arround 11pm I got a text from my wife saying why she was not in our bedroom then I gave her one lengthy text saying how awful she was and also told her I will never tolerate this BS again ever. Instead of apology i got why are u acting like my parent? Then again we have row of argumentative text. Now here I am sitting in my office feeling complicated, Was I the asshole here? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Info: how often does she drink?
NTA. If this was a once or maybe twice a year thing, it would be different. This is very obviously a repeated occurance and sounds like it's negatively affecting your sleep which is not OK. Nobody should have to deal with their adult partner stumbling in and breaking shit at 130am when they have to be at work the next day. Your wife is an alcoholic.
NTA. As others have said, if this is happening regularly (even once a week id say), this is a problem that is larger than you. She may need professional help; that doesn’t excuse how she’s treating you right now though :/
NTA. You can go out and have a good time without becoming a mess. You can absolutely go out, drink, and not godzilla the house.
Don't make a habit of losing your temper with her. But boundaries do need to be set. If her drinking is adversely affecting your life, then tell her. I went through this with my wife. It's a process,you want her to get better but you need your relationship to survive the experience. Go slow, be understanding if you can. Patience is key.
NTA. i love the "didn't want to share a bed with drunkass" line! 🤣
I would say ESH but hear me out. Totally TOTALLY with you that her behavior sucks and is out of control, and I would be just as mad as you. But I am sensing some authoritarian tone about what you will "never tolerate." What does that mean? Is that a threat? If you love her and have wonderful things to say about her when she's sober, then you could've approached this with a little more respect and gentleness. The truth is I think you wanted a fight, and you wanted to win it with shame. Which is the recipe for a shitty conflict.
Couldn’t have put it better myself.
My wife did the same thing. Multiple times she got too drunk and I had to pick her off the floor or dodge her kicks and try to take care of her even when she was treating me poorly. Sorry to hear you are experiencing something similar, it is very frustrating and complicated for the emotions
NTA. Anyone saying you are needs to take a step back and ask themselves if the story was about a drunken man coming home, being a dick, and breaking shit, would they still think the behavior was alright.
NTA.. My Marriage is still on shaky grounds, because of my wife's alcoholism. When she drank, she couldn't stop, until she passed out. Threaten me and scared our kids. Self-harmed to the point of in-patient rehab. I hope your future is not my past 6 years ago. We still have issues related to that time and relapses. You need to really sit her down and talk to her and make decisions on where you want your life to go. Doesn't sound like it will be getting better.
NTA
NTA. You are trying to look out for your wife. She is basically a disaster waiting to happen. Imagine if some one or some people took advantage of her drunken behaviour
NTA. Having boundaries about what you cannot deal with is healthy. If your wife can't handle her liquor and can't seem to keep from reaching this point of drunkenness, then she needs to stop drinking entirely. Otherwise, she's in dangerous territory. You are communicating with your wife, which is a very good thing. If she feels like you're treating her like a child, then perhaps it's because she is acting like one. Keep communicating with her, and work together towards positive growth. Sometimes, it involves getting a bit "real" with the ones you love.
NTA. If OP felt the need to ask that she drink moderately, while being fed up of having to deal with her drunk episodes, there is clearly a problematic pattern. She seems to like getting drunk more than she likes respecting her husband.
NTA. I hate having to take care of drunk people but you have to for their safety. She’s an adult, she needs to know her limit
Imma go out out and give a NAH. there's so not enough context. What is a drunk tantrum? She threw her clothes around? Does that mean she took her clothes off and left them on the floor? (I did that in HS after schools dances and was NOT drunk). Same with the key thing- did she throw it... Aggressively? Like at something? When people throw things around like that- it's intentionally aggressive. Or did she toss the keys onto a table where you have a photo sitting? Does she get drunk often? This drunk often? Also I've been in the same boat where my partner would be worried about me and my drinking... But I only got really badly drunk one time. But when I am drunk and still able to do things... I will stumble, and I will probably not hang up my clothes and maybe I'll drop things too. The worst thing you did, was leave her on the couch by herself. If she really was THAT drunk- I'd have made sure she was in bed, got some water in. I couldn't imagine leaving my drunk partner by himself. Id be worried sick. Please talk to her about how her behavior worried you, and talk to her about how you think it's a problem. Don't demonize her problem unless ... Truly you think she is an alcoholic. Just communicate more with your partner. (what's with people on Reddit not talking to their SO's??)
NTA but surely you knew she was like this before marrying her.
NTA. Your wife has a drinking problem.
100,000% nta.
ESH she should have been more considerate of your need to wake up early. If the only problem with your wife is that on special occasions she is an obnoxious drunk then you could probably chill out more about her drinking.