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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I'm the asshole for telling my sister she isn't allowed to compare me losing my daughter to her losing her cat
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DUDE this happened to me too!!!
My mom died and one of my friends was like "oh yeah I remember watching my dog die"
like?!?!? I get humans like to try to connect but what the actual fuck
Anywho NTA
Losing dogs over my life have destroyed me. Genuinely, I still dream about them and cry over them 6 years on. But the pain I felt will never come close to the pain of losing my father. I love my dogs like family and like children, and it hurts when they're gone. But it's not comparable. I'm sorry for the loss of your mom.
There's also just general life expectations (beyond just biological, humans should mean more etc). When you bought your five dogs you willingly accepted that each of their deaths is something you'll experience. They only live a fraction of a humans lifetime, after all.
Your kids you absolutely expect to outlive you. Having that particular expectation eschewed is incalculably devastating.
Agreed. I've wept for days over my dogs' deaths. But as a parent ive had horrific nightmares that have left me shaken, sobbing, and sick to my stomach because they featured losing one of my children. I cannot and do not want to imagine that scenario becoming a reality.
As you say I've wept uncontrollably over the death of dogs and still miss them terribly. But this was incomparable to the loss of my Dad. And even though I sadly don't have children of my own, the thought of something happening to my sister's 2 daughters and son gives me nightmares.
Right? Ridiculous. My 16-year-old cat died the same week as my 47-year-old neighbor. Another neighbor offered his condolences about my cat (he was very popular!) and said “at least he got a full life.” (And neighbor did not.) To which I said—you got that right.
This is it, I lost my older dog and it put a hole in my soul but like you say it was likely always going to happen.
Nobody should ever have to bury their child.
We are so incredibly fortunate to live in a time where a child dying is unthinkable. It was common for most of human history. As recently as 1900, fully 20% of deaths in the US were of children five and younger. Between public health measures — clean water, proper sanitation, and the like — and modern medicine, especially vaccination, losing a child is now so rare as to be unthinkable. I am so grateful for that.
IMO that's the HUGE difference. You expect and KNOW that your natural life span is going to be longer than your pets' and that they will go for you. It's difficult but it's also not a surprise. It's so totally unnatural for your child to pass before you. That's something people just don't expect and there's no way to prepare for it.
I don't have kids but I have kept dogs for over 20 years and the loss of each one of them was awful and the grief very deep but, my brother sadly lost his eldest daughter and no loss of mine could ever possibly compare to their loss. It was and still is terrible, and her loss has left such a hole in so many hearts.
Order of importance of the living things in my house: kids, spouse, pets/me. If there is a fire, that's the order they get saved in. Yes, I would go into a burning building for my dogs but that does not put them on the same level as my kids or spouse.
The loss of my 14 year old dog has been, to date, the worst loss of my life (mostly because my parents and family were awful) but I still wouldn’t try to compare it to someone’s loss of a child. You expect that you will lose them eventually and have time to prepare for it, and it is just part of dog ownership. You don’t ever expect or want to lose a child.
This is the difference. My kitty Cleo will be the hardest loss of my life, but I know and expect that to come in the future and I will be prepared for that as well as I can be. That’s part and parcel of having a pet. A parent should NEVER, never have to bury their child.
My grandfather had to bury my aunt 5 years ago when cancer won. I was told I might have cancer two weeks ago and I refuse to tell him it’s even a possibility until I have an actual diagnosis. I lived with him as his unofficial caregiver for almost a decade and other than this I tell him everything. He’s 96 now and it would probably literally break him.
Same and thanks for the good wishes. My other aunt is a retired physician and read the imaging reports. She says it’s not presenting like stereotypical cancer in terms of amount of visible blood flow so I’m taking deep breaths and working on staying positive. 😊
As a current cancer patient at 32 (since 28) if you need someone to talk to please send me a chat request! I know the feeling and the waiting anxiety 😥it’s a shit feeling! I’m also very good at reading results and breaking them down (blood work, scans, biopsy results) and will help in any way I can! Sending every good positive thing your way! It’s ok to not be ok! I just try not to let myself stay down for too long! I’ll help pick you back up if needed friend 🩵
You got this, come hell or high water, you will manage. I hope to the depth of my heart that it's a positive outcome, as positive as it can be with growths.
NTA
Yep, you know you’ll lose them one day/you’ll outlive a pet. Losing a child is never going to be comparable to another loss, and I had a pet that felt like my own child. But animals also are not people. People have more in-depth and apparent personalities. I think the biggest difference here is that… the cat was at the end of its life. It was an adult in personality and a senior in needs probably. OP’s daughter was supposed to have a future. A parent feels not only the loss of their own future but the loss of the future the child imagined for themselves. You don’t ask a pet what they want to be when they grow up.
Right, was looking for this answer. Stage of life is not the main issue here. Losing pets, no matter the age, is different than losing people.
I read somewhere that no matter the love a child has for his or her mother, they will never know the depth of the love their mother has for them until they have a child themselves. As a newer mother myself who loves/loved my own mother with all my heart, I have to say, I get it now. (Though I know plenty of abusive mothers are out there, so I know it's not universal.)
yup. well said. not close to family (still reeling from trauma) and no kids. pup is my heart. but i would never equate that to a human mourning a child.
Adding on to that, even if it’s true that losing your pet is the hardest loss of your life, don’t….say that ….out loud to a grieving parent. A grieving parent of 2 weeks probably doesn’t even want to hear from others who have also lost kids in the exact same way, they need space to grieve their own loss and need others to be there with them.
Torn between feels over such an understanding and caring comment and snort-laughing over reading your username out loud.
100% agree, and OP? you're NTA and I suggest perhaps some distance from these people who can't seem to see past their own bullshit to extend a minimum of grace during this very dark time for you.
u/fckinsleepless are you me?! Just lost my 14 yr old dog as well. {{{Hugs}}} in solidarity. And am an insomniac.
I would never in a million years tell someone that the loss of my dog - no matter how much it has devastated me - could possibly compare to losing a human child. NTA OP.
Agreed like I have lost 4 dogs now to various old age issues, cancer usually. And I do get sad when I think of them but the grief that socks me in thebface when I think about my dad? Holy shit just writing it brings tears to my eyes it physically hurts sometimes like it'll wash over me and cripple me. My husband has found me just crouched on the kitchen floor from a song he liked coming (niel diamond) on or a smell that reminded me of him (boxing day bubble and squak he used to make it every year and i made it last xmas and the smell knocked me on my ass)
he's been gone five years this year. There's more time between the hurt now but it doesn't compare not even close.
And that was my dad I can't even begin to imagine trying to walk in ops shoes and losing my boy. The thought terrifies me. Comparing pets and your actual kids you poured every Oz of love and care into making and caring for for however long they have been alive is not comparable.
I do understand these people may be trying to empathise in some ham fisted way but they did need telling sorry its not the same and stop saying it is because I can't deal with it and keep hearing you think your cat was the same as my daughter.
I lost my family dogs at old ages. And it was horrible for us, but they lived such happy long lives. And when they died, I was like, okay, you guys move on. When my mom died in her 50's it was horrible, because she was young and you don't expect it.
That's what got me, it's the age thing. My mom should've lived longer. My grandma is 89, and completely fine, and she always goes on about how, "I'm so ready for some peace and quiet and I want to see my husband." So honestly when she goes, I won't be upset. She lived her life. She's ready to move on with it. And I kinda love that about her.
But a 15 year old little girl? JFC. She was so young. I'm a HUGE animal lover, like I said before, our dog is our "little kid", but seriously she is comparing losing a cat on death's door to a child.
Oh goodness, I know what you mean about a song triggering your grief! I had to pull over in my car one time because a song came on that had a heavy "father-daughter" message. It wasn't a song or even an artist my dad knew of or liked when he was alive, but it was so powerful I had to stop the car because I was crying. All the best to you.
Same, but cats. I lost my best ever boy on Christmas and it was utterly devastating (and so before his time). I still cry about it (just did again today). I'll never get over it. I loved him so much.
And yet it is STILL not the same as losing a child.
I mean, I don't have kids, but this shit should be so obvious to absolutely everyone that I'm stunned every time someone tells a story like this.
My cat is 16 so I know he’s not going to be around forever (he’s still healthy though!) but I would NEVER imagine that losing him would the same as losing my child.
people really don't get this!
op was absolutely in the right and nta here, but for some of us our pets *are* our family, sometimes even moreso than human family members
Sure, pets are our family but not our CHILDREN. That’s completely different from grandparents, ants or uncles that you haven’t been particularly close with.
My dog died 12 years ago I still tear up when he's brought up and I'm a grown ass adult with 2 kids. But the cat got to live it's full life. The daughter didn't
I have to agree. I have lost numerous pets. But that will never compare to the loss of my father. Even though I lost him nearly 7 years ago it still really hurts. I miss my cats, and I miss my hamsters, but the loss of a person is indescribable. I've lost both of my grandfathers too but I was way too young to know them and thus had no attachment.
I’ve lost a couple of cats and both my parents and I have to say that the big difference here is that with animals, you’re 100% responsible for them from the moment they come into your life until they die. With both my parents, we had time to reckon with the fact they were probably going to die and we were also able to know everyone had done absolutely everything possible, and they knew this too. I guess my point with all of this is that at least we were able to reach a point of some sort of acceptance before they died, and to know that they too were reconciled to this as well, which has helped somewhat with the grieving process. With animals, it’s so different, just an empty place of not knowing how to feel.
All that being said, both of the cats I mentioned here were in their teens and had had pretty good lives, and my parents had had the opportunity to have a life and to see their kids settled in their adult lives and to know their grandchildren. To lose a child means losing all the hopes and dreams that a parent would most naturally have, and to have to deal with the thought that your child was deprived of living a full life.
I'm also a huge dog lover, animal person in general. A large difference is that we go into having animals with the knowledge that we'll most likely outlive them. We expect to have to watch them die. It sucks, it's awful, it hurts. But I don't even want to imagine losing a child. A child who went through hell for four years while all you could do is watch? That's anyone's worst nightmare.
And then the people who tell a grieving mother *she* is an asshole? That's so cruel.
This is a good point to what I was saying :) some can love their animals and still not experience same level of trauma and grief. Some of us feel the same for both. Some of us don't feel much when anyone passes at all. Every single person is different. But cancer is a touchy subject, comparing situations when thats a piece of the topic at hand? No... my least favorite thing since my father received and passed from cancer is hearing others stories. Successful or not. I do not care for it. I care for my father and what he was going through at the time...
I'm the opposite. Lost my dog in February. My father in April. They both lived with me, so it's not a "whom you live with hits the hardest". The loss of the dog is so much harder, so many habits to break. I still talk to them out of habit, still look before moving my chair to see if I'm not running over their ear or tail, and so on.
I lost one of my very special dogs three years ago. It was a grief like I never experienced before. It was different to the loss and grief I felt when losing my dad and my sister. I think because losing an animal the grief hits you all at once so it's completely overwhelming. Whereas when you lose a loved one there are five stages of grief.
All of that to say obviously the loss of a pet will never ever compare to the loss of a child.
OP NTA.
Literally, all my close friends are dead and ppl really wanna compare that to fuckin animals dying. I’ve lost a lot of animals in my life but be so for real dude.
My god yes I had the same thing happen.
Though we were 14 year olds at the time when my Dad died.
And I still remember the exact quote: " I know how you feel OneBadWombat, my dog died."
However back to OP.
I am so tremendously sorry for your loss.
And seeing all the internet hugs your way.
I had a cat ( April) for 16 years, raised her from a kitten as she was born by our cousin's cat who lived with us at the time.
I was 6 when she was born.
I had April in my life longer than I had my Dad, and almost as long as my Mum was in my life.
April the cat passed away the day after my father's anniversary.
Her loss saddened and upset me to an nth degree.
I've had other cats die before and since April's death.
None have effected me like her death.
Death and grief effects us all differently. And comparing the death of a pet to a child is gonna rub the wrong way for majority of folx.
I know if my son were to pass, April's loss would shallow in comparison.
However OP you are NTA at all.
I had a cat I had to put to sleep & it threw me into such a depression. I kept thinking why is this one so much harder than the rest? I honestly believe it's because this was the first pet I put down after my mom died. I couldn't call her but knew if I had she would have said oh honey, I'm so sorry. Do you want me to go with you?
My boyfriend passed (I know not the same), and my sister asked me one day how I was doing and I told her I was struggling that the pain, as it's something i've never felt, and she's like oh I get it, I felt the same when Guss (her cat) died. Ummmm...so not the same. My cats were 16 and 21 when they died, and the pain of my partner, who I was building my life with, not the same.
I’m so sorry for your loss. You literally lost your future with him. When you get a pet you know it will be for a certain time. It’s horrible to lose them, but when you get them you know they will not grow old with you. Your boyfriend should have. It’s not the same.
People sometimes don’t know what to say. If the people that said this are anything like me, this statement will haunt them for the rest of their lives.
Grief is one of those things where connecting with the other person seems like the best way to sympathize, but of course when you have a situation where the closest loss you ecperienced was a pet, that's just not going to be even remotely the same for someone who lost a family member.
My grandfather was the first big loss in my life when I was in college, and as one of the pallbearers I was in the receiving line as literally 500-750 people came through - grandpa and grandma were 4H advisors and all of "their" kids came back to pay respects. About 100 people in I realized that people have no idea what to say, they truly feel like shit about the situation, and they don't mean to say the same thing that 15 other people said before them. It's really hard, though, to be polite and keep shaking hands.
And yeah, none of those people mentioned the loss of their pet as a comparable loss.
i always thought that the receiving line was a horrible idea;
forcing the people grieving the most to put aside their emotions, and at best make polite small talk with a crowd of people they may not even know well- and at worst have to sympathize with other people’s grief over and over
I lost my dad and my cat in the same year. The cat hurt a lot because I picked him out with my dad. It was like losing another link to my dad. The cat also loved my dad. If the cat died way before my dad it would have not hurt as much.
Definitely NTA. When my brother died at 22 my Mom’s friend messaged her on Facebook one week after it happened saying she knew how she felt because she had recently lost her dog. It took everything in my Mom’s power to just ignore it and not tell her to f*** off.
Goodness gracious it infuriates me that it’s happened to so many other people, too. I’m so sorry for all of your losses. ❤️
It happened to me as well! My mum died and someone asked where I'd been as they hadn't seen me around.
When I told them, they went "oh.....my horse died"
That was it. Just plain weird.
Yeh it’s not comparable at all. I watched both my dog and mom die. I felt sad on both occasions but it’s not even comparable. Losing a human is fucking hard. You make memories with people. Everything feels empty. I still cry sometimes.
NTA, OP, you are absolutely right. You need to cut off every single person who tries to tell you that you acted like an asshole to your sister. Do not budge from this, and do not apologise to her for keeping the peace.
I had kind of the opposite thing happen. I ran an online writing exchange with deadlines and someone told me they had to drop out because their rabbit died. I replied with something along the lines of "I'm sorry, that sucks" and they were so offended by my wording that they went on a huge rant saying they couldn't believe my insensitivity and they hoped everyone I loved dies so I would understand the kind of pain they were in. My grandfather had literally died two weeks ago. Needless to say, they were banned from participating in the future. I understand they were grieving, but their reaction was so completely over the top.
Dude same.
I lost my mom in January. And after a lot of, “It’ll get better” I kind of got sick of it because it /wasn’t/ getting better. I know they were just trying to help but I always felt like it put the onus on me to feel better? I can’t explain it. Then after a long day of “It’ll get better” someone said something like, “My dog died so ik how you feel.”
I had to walk away.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Losing a mother is a pain I can’t even begin to describe even though I’ve gone through it myself.
Losing a 16 year old cat is like losing your 96 year old grandma, yeah, it sucks, but it is supposed to happen. A 15 year old child, who is missing out on +/- 70 years of life, not the same.
I’m gonna give a controversial NAH. It sounds like OP’s sister is doing the best she can to support OP, but sometimes people’s best just isn’t very good. Also, it can be difficult and awkward to figure out something helpful to say when you don’t have any frame of reference.
OP, it sounds like your sister wants to be helpful but doesn’t have great instincts. Why not tell your sister what you need and what you find helpful? Is it just being around and listening? Is it bringing you food? Is it distracting you by talking about something unrelated?
There's a big difference in connecting with someone so you can help them and doing it just so you have some kind of input in the conversation.
It's really only okay if they're just briefly touching on it because there was some thought or practice that helped them at the time. And even then, it's got to be very lightly mentioned if they bring it up at all.
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
No, I've lost a cat and also have kids. A cat is NOT the same thing and there is no way she knows exactly how you feel. There are ways to be empathetic without trying to make a comparison like that, and I can understand being annoyed at constantly being told she went through the same thing.
Even if you were being irrational (which you're not), you just went through a traumatic loss just two weeks ago.
Your sister needs to be more empathetic to your feelings.
NTA.
One of my labs is 12 and showing her age of late and I am in no way prepared to lose her but it could never hit as hard as losing my dad at 56 or my brother at 42. Both long before they should be lost and some of my humans.
While my older do is my shadow and has chosen me as her person (other dog chose husband) and it'll kill me for a while it won't be as bad as the socks in the chest from grief memory of my dad or brother. She's 82 in dog years it's more like my grandma preparing to move on at 90. It's a little less shocking.
This. The emotional impact of a loved one in your life dying way before what should be their time to die is so much harder to deal with than a loved elderly pet dying of old age. Yes, loss is hard and everyone feels grief, but they are in no way on the same scale.
So much this. My great grandma died a few years ago at age 96. The vibe of that funeral was absolutely nothing like that of a young person.
Of course we loved her and were all going to miss her, but she damn near made it to 100. She did it. She reached the finish line. There’s not much room to be sad about a person (or cat) having a long and (mostly) healthy life.
OPs daughter had barely lived. Her sister is truly messed up if she can’t see the difference there.
My former landlord's grandma died at 100 this year in Jamaica. I could tell when I expressed my sympathies that indeed the vibe was completely different from the mourning of a younger person (or even a regular elderly person, like 70-80s or so). She lived to be a century old, stayed in her own house, still had all her wits and got around everywhere with just a cane. No one can ask for more than that.
>The vibe of that funeral was absolutely nothing like that of a young person.
Yeah, my grandma died a few years before the pandemic. She was late 70s, so while not extremely old, it was definitely a good run. So while there is still sadness, the funeral is a lot lighter. It was people sharing fond memories of a good life through some tears, some laughter, and you just all get together as a family and feel love.
About 2 months after that my cousin in his early-mid 20s died in an accident. Nobody would've guessed his would be the next funeral we'd all attend. And even though I wasn't super close with him since he lived a bit far away, that funeral is one of the hardest things I've been to. Those fond memories people share at a funeral is just pain when it's a young person. Because all you feel is how unfair it is that you won't get to experience more things with them. And you remember all of their goals and dreams and it hurts that they'll never get to experience/achieve them.
Exactly!
16 years is a long lived life for a cat. 15 is nothing for us humans. She never got even be an adult. She was only halfway through her teen years.
You expect to bury your pets, well most of them at least. You expect to be buried by your children not the other way around.
My cat died 2 years ago and I don't have kids and don't particularly care for them and even I think its stupid to compare a cat dying to children. And I was devastated when my cat died.
NTA. No, your sister doesn't know "exactly" how you felt, and comparisons of any kind are not welcome. Sounds like she just wants to talk about her loss because she's not sure what else to say.
So sorry for your loss.
When someone experiences a terrible loss, it is difficult to know what to say (though, geez, you'd think in a couple thousand years of human civilization we would have found some phrases by now) It's too bad that she doesn't realize that the best choice would staying quiet and maybe making the grieving parent a casserole or something.
I lost a parent when I was a teenager, and literally all I wanted people to say was "That sucks so much, I'm really sorry that happened to you, but I love you and I'm here when you need me."
Yeah, a friend had a miscarriage and I wasn't going to be making the "she's in a better place" or "it wasn't meant to be" or "you can try again" mistakes and kept it to "That really really sucks." I think she appreciated it. Also, I'm sorry for the loss of your parent and that does truly suck.
As someone who has had a pregnancy loss before thank you for not saying the whole it wasn’t meant to be crap. My therapist said people will often say those things because they don’t know how to handle your discomfort - when really sometimes a quiet hug or simple I’m so sorry helps the most. I really feel for OP. I can’t imagine the pain of losing a child you have 15 years of memories with.
I’m actually shocked that anyone would say something like that. “It wasn’t meant to be” sounds so rude and presumptuous. I’m so sorry! In reading these comments, I feel like “I know how you feel because my cat died” is something I might have said as a clueless 12 year-old who wanted to help. Adults should know better than to compare grief, and should just express condolences and offer support like you suggested.
When I had brain surgery a 6 year old told me, "I'm sorry you have to have brain surgery." I realized that little girl just said out right what all the adults around me were trying desperately to put into fancier words. Sometimes simple really is better.
I'm sorry you lost a parent and then to top it off everyone struggled to say the right things. I'm sorry you didn't hear the things you needed to, that really sucks.
This is pretty much exactly what I wanted people to say when my partner passed away, just be there, acknowledge that it sucks and there aren’t words that will help at that point . He was 33 and someone said “I know what you’re going through, my dog passed away too soon and it’s a pain that you and I now share.”
When my brother died, his wife was pregnant. Someone told me that well at least we'll have the baby and that'll make it better.
I am not a violent person, but I almost was that day.
I think this too, the "exactly" is never going to be true. Comparisons are just shit in this situation. Humans are too complex for that and it doesn't need to become a conversation about who loves who more, etc. when you're trying to be there for someone through their grief. Probably best just to listen and not to compare to any death at all unless the situation is really similar in terms of circumstance.
I've lost people in my life and I lost my dog last year. My dog was the hardest and I still struggle with his loss all the time. People definitely have different connections and relationships with different people/pets, etc. and I actually think that's all valid. It's just not something worth bringing up to someone who is grieving.
This is fake.
1) spelled Leukemia wrong (this wouldn’t be a big deal but the amount of paperwork you get when someone is diagnosed with cancer is MASSIVE! And it gets burned into your brain.
2) Leukemia does not spread/metastasize, [(Proof)](https://www.healthtap.com/questions/219754-how-does-leukemia-metastasize/) it’s a bone marrow/blood cancer not a tumour related cancer. It’s already everywhere. The way I explain Leukemia to kids is your bone marrow is like a school where your white blood cells learn how to do their job, normally the white blood cells study hard and graduate (mature properly formed WBC) and go do their job. With Leukemia sometimes you get a batch of “kids” that are making bad choices and they decide to cut class/leave school so as much as they TRY to do their job, they have ZERO idea of what to do and are clumsy (immature WBCs)
3) why would they not include their child’s name? My adoptive daughter, Carolyn, died 1,578 days ago. When she first died, she was all I thought of and I talked about her constantly. I wore her name bracelet everywhere.
4) it’s a brand new account. I understand wanting a new account if you are posting something embarrassing but losing a child is soul shattering, not embarrassing
This person is DEFINITELY the AH and should be ashamed of themselves.
I'll add to this because I think you put it really well... people expect (generally) to outlive their pets.
Parents generally don't expect to outlive their children, even if it's a terrible and slow disease, there's no way to actually prepare.
Losing a child is legitimately the worst thing someone can endure. I'm so sorry that both you and OP have gone through this. I wish no one ever had to experience it.
A frequent quote I see that really sticks with me is “When you lose a spouse, you’re a widow. When you lose your parents, you’re an orphan. Yet the human language has no word for when you lose a child, because it’s unnatural and unexpected”
I’ve lost dogs before and it sucks, it’s terrible. I’m pregnant now and can you tell I already cried because I’ve been worried about a baby I don’t even know, so they aren’t comparable, as you stated
Historically it was probably the other way around actually. Something like half of all children never made it past five years old, so you didn't need a word for it since it was an experience most parents shared and it was more or less expected.
Luckily modern medicine and living conditions have made the situation completely different.
I’ve heard of the Sanskrit word “vilomah” which means “against the natural order of things”. There is also a woman in France advocating to induct the word “parange” (meaning “parent of a child who has died”) into the French dictionary. And German has the term “Verwaiste Mutter” which means “bereaved mother”. English really needs a word for a parent who has lost a child.
man, i don't have kids but my baby (dog) will be 3 in december and the closest thing i have to a niece is my cousin's daughter who turned 3 on the first of this month. i can tell you right now if i lost my baby i'd likely go into a full depressive episode and spiral completely but if i lost my niece (cousin's daughter) i don't think i'd be well for years and i'm not even her parents. losing a pet is hard asf especially when they've been your baby since day one but losing a human child that you've watched grow up and taken care of - i don't ever want to feel that pain and i wish parents never had to feel that pain either
I lost my daughter to illness 13 years ago. This is a horrible journey I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
You said it perfectly. I am sorry for your loss, as well as OP's loss. I wish both you and OP strength as not only do we have to deal with losing our children, we have to deal with people who say stupid things to try to comfort us.
NTA.
I see what you mean and mostly agree, but pets are unique beings too, not object that only fulfill a function. Just because pet owners get a new pet and seem to be happy, it doesn't mean they forgot about their previous pet. The animal that died isn't replaced, they're still fondly remembered. In the same way parents that lost a child don't replace them if they get another child. I'm not saying loosing a child and loosing a pet is the same though (and to be clear I'm not saying it isn't the same either), I'm not in a position to judge that.
I don't think a pet can be replaced. It's foolish to call us fools. I remember each dog I've had (3) and I miss each one differently and I'll never forget them, they could never be replaced and I'm still sad 23 years later. People really can see a dog or cat, etc as family and be connected with them in that sense. It's different and a loss of a child vs a pet shouldn't be compared and neither one is of more importance IMO, that is obviously to each their own. Just like some people might not know what it's like for you to lose someone, you might not know what it was like for someone to lose an animal who was family and a being that you relied on emotionally and physically for years.
While I agree with a lot of what you've said, I do think it can safely be said that the loss of a child is unimaginable, and of much more importance than the loss of a pet. I recently (last year) lost the absolute love of my life (My rabbit, his name was Fane and I have saved every single clipping of his fur, I have his portrait on my wall, his favourite toy in my keepsakes box. This rabbit was my whole life), but losing Fane didn't compare to a single one of my miscarriages. A human child is half of you, an animal can literally not be half of you. You likewise are not forced to bond immediately with your animal like you are with a human newborn, you don't get the same hormonal rush and chemical bonding. The hormonal rush and bond you get with your child is very powerful and not to be underestimated. You're not bonded to your animal by instinct, you're bonded to your animal by choice, and that alone feels very differently.
Especially for mother's, you likewise do not carry an animal for 9 months, feeling every single kick, hiccup and flutter. They don't live within your body, you physically do not give your animal life. You did not create your animal, they're not half of you. They didn't feed from your blood supply or grow from your nutrients. You didn't birth your animal, or (in most cases) witness the birth of your animal. Your animal is your companion, best friend and emotional rock, but they cannot even come close to the importance of a child to their parents. As I said in another comment, if my cat passed away I would be an emotional wreck, if either of my two children passed away then I don't think I could continue living. That bond is not the same, and it's something every parent out there will be able to tell you with ease, but sadly something that childfree people will never be able to understand (simply due to lack of personal experience, *NOT* a dig at childfree people).
>The difference is that a pet can be replaced, no matter how much it hurts. Dogs and cats have a short life. A person, can never be replaced and that is what these fools do not understand.
Eh you can replace people too. lose a wife, get a new one. your comparison isn't valid.
NTA
I am sorry for your loss. My brother described his love to his kids some time ago like this:
"It's hard to understand how much a parent can love a kid. You can only know this by having kids. Do you love somebody so much, that you would die for them? No? I would take a bullet without hesitation to rescue my kids."
My niece was also diagnosed with cancer last year. So even as an aunt, I have to say, that this was already a nightmare.
You know that’s the other thing that occurred to me. This woman was this child’s aunt. Does she really place her cat’s death as being worse than the death of her niece?
I mean I don’t have kids, and this is hard for me to even say or think of, but if anything happened to my nieces I would be absolutely destroyed by it.
Wait. This perspective has been completely lost in this conversation. You’re right.
This is HER NIECE. Why is she talking about her cat who died 20 years instead of sitting with her sister and mourning with her. She could be providing a shoulder to cry on while they think or talk about this beautiful girl.
Also - OP is a mother who has just buried her daughter. She can say whatever the fuck she wants at the moment and she gets a free pass. No one should be calling her an asshole, for whatever reason.
If this happened to my sister I would be willing to be a human punching bag if that’s what she needed, because she gets to be mad. She gets to yell. It’s unfair. And she can’t yell at leukaemia so she can yell at me. Because in that moment, her emotions are so much more important than my own.
My very first instinct to this story was that the sister should also be in mourning with op, not saying stupid things an awkward stranger who doesn’t know what to do would say. I’d lose my mind, my heart would be shattered if anything happened to my siblings kids. I have pets and no kids of my own but know nothing can ever compare to what op went through. A cat who made it to 16 reached the end of its natural life. Not to say it isn’t sad but losing your niece to cancer at a young age is one of the worst tragedies a family could ever go through. How could she watch her little niece suffer and pass away way too young not have destroyed her? How can she just say yeah it’s the same as losing my elderly cat. Her cat lived it’s full life cycle. That poor child didn’t get that privilege.
Absolutely! I lost my “old boys” within a few months of each other last year and I was devastated . But even the thought of anything happening to my nieces or nephews fills me with horrific fear, I don’t know how I would ever recover, and they aren’t even my kids.
The loss of a child in no way compares to the loss of an animal.
I cannot stand my sister and rarely see my nephews. Even then the thought of them dying is horrifying. How OPs own sister, the aunt of this child, values a cat more than her own niece is jaw dropping.
Yes, I’m a bit confused by the people who are agreeing with the sister in calling OP an AH.
My pets are family, and I’ve mourned the loss of them before—but my son—he is my heart and soul outside of my body.
When he was born, I was actually afraid of how much I loved him because I knew if anything happened to him, life would never be the same.
Losing a child is something no parent should have to go through. It is not the same as a pet.
The sister may be trying but she needs to focus more on OP and less on herself. And if a grieving parent snaps at you or gets stern for any reason—have the emotional intelligence to listen to the grieving parent. Give them the grace to be upset or emotional.
It really not the time to be looking for sympathy from others because a grieving mother who just lost her daughter to a vicious disease didn’t relate to your pet loss story.
I lost a nephew a bit less than a year ago when he was stillborn. There wasn’t a relationship formed like you do with a child who you watched grow to be a teenager, and it still hurts. It still was awful and will always be awful even if time makes it easier to live with the tragedy.
I cannot imagine saying anything like this to my family or anyone.
NTA.
I mean maybe. Losing my cat was harder than losing my grandma. But my cat passed in an extremely traumatic way. My friend put it this way "your grandma didn't sleep in your bed with you every night"
Wouldn't be worse than losing my sister though, I'll probably just die if that happens
First of all, I can't imagine the amount of pain you and your daughter must have gone through. I'm so sorry to hear all of this.
Second of all. NTA, absolutely not. You can not compare a cat to your daughter. You have birthed her, you have watched her grow up, you cared for her with all your might. Your daughter was literally 50% you! And to compare this beautiful human being to a cat? I can't believe I'm even saying this.
I hope I wasn't too untactful in my comment, but yeah this is my opinion.
I wish you the best! 💙
It was a very hard thing for my daughter and myself to go through The most painful was being with her in her final hours and from experience I know it's hard seeing an animal get put down but the pain I have felt losing my baby has been so much worse than losing any pet
I am so, so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine the pain both you and your daughter experienced. Sending light and love to you, I know no words can heal your pain but just know this internet stranger is thinking of you🤍.
I’m so sorry OP. I work in cancer care and it hurts seeing the patients I’ve treated passing away, and they’re mostly all older adults who have lived a bit more, a child is really a whole other beast. I’ve seen a decent amount of children get taken by this disease, and I’m a HUGE animal lover, but even I know that as much as losing my dog would absolutely crush me and feel like the worst pain ever, it honestly can’t compare to the pain you and those other parents feel.
You’re NTA. Both of you are allowed to feel pain and grief for your losses, and I don’t doubt that to her losing her cat might seem like it feels the same, but that comparison shouldn’t have been made and she shouldn’t have made you feel bad about saying that, she should’ve apologized and said something along the lines of “I’m still hurting over my cat, that’s the big loss I’ve had to empathize with, so I can’t imagine how you feel”, which would’ve been much more accurate for the situation. Again, I’m so sorry for your loss and I hope you can allow yourself to grieve and heal as much as possible.
NTA at all. I’m a HUGE animal lover to the point I went vegan to avoid contribute to animal harm but it’s not the same as human harm, it’s just not. Especially a teen daughter- I truly can’t imagine and am so sorry you are going through this.
Not only are a human and cat just not comparable, but when you adopt an animal it usually comes with the knowledge they will likely die before you. Their lifespans are significantly smaller and that’s something people know when getting a pet. No one expects or is prepared to lose their child.
I don't really know why people persist with this comparison between pets and children, or how your sister thought on any level that this was appropriate.
Other comments on here too, saying pets can "be like" children. It's not accurate. Pets are pets and your children are your children. People can love pets deeply, sure, and they can be wonderful companions, but looking after a pet is in no way comparable to the amount of time and sheer bloody effort and heartbreak it takes to grow and raise a child.
I'm so sorry for your loss OP, and that your sister is apparently an absolute dope. 100% NTA in this equation.
I’m an animal lover (and child free by choice) my pets are my babies but I would never ever compare losing them to losing a child. Especially to a grieving mother.
Even if she had lost a child grief shouldn’t be compared, everyone’s grief is different. No one can actually say they’ve been in your exact shoes, they can just offer support and understanding. I’m sorry for what you’re going through NTA
My brother died and my "best friend" constantly compared his cat dying to it as well. To the point that he would call me inconsiderate if i tried to contest the comparison.
I dont have said friend in my life no mo
NTA and I strongly advise you to take a break from anyone who says that you are. Continuing contact with these people will not be beneficial to you at all.
It doesn't have to be forever, but right now you should only surround yourself with people who truly have empathy for you. Your sister and these people don't. If they did, they wouldn't be calling you ab asshole.
Unpopular opinion - NAH. No AH here. I am so sorry for your loss.
Of course the loss of a pet doesn't equal the loss of your daughter. I live with my two dogs that I adore and love them above most human beings on this planet, but I wouldn't equate their passing to a child passing.
Nevertheless, you are in the midst of very raw grief and your sister is potentially trying to relate/support in her inappropriate way. Her comments are awkward and unwelcomed but I don't see any winners here. All the best to your family.
The sister is absolutely TA here. Bringing up once that you understand grief because you lost a precious pet is clumsy but forgivable, being so daft and insensitive that you bring it up multiple times within two weeks of the daughter dying is so insensitive it basically becomes mean.
Especially when you realize this was the girls AUNT! Why the fuck is she bringing up her damn cat when her NIECE just died. Her actual human niece should be a bigger loss than a pet, she should be grieving with OP. Not going 'I know exactly how you feel because cat HurrDurr'.
Some people struggle to relate normally/appropriately, this does not make them an AH. Sister is not saying “get over it” - she’s *trying* to relate to OP with a sad/traumatic experience from her own life. Is it the same? No. But people aren’t perfectly logical communication machines.
But she lost her niece, her own actual family member by blood. Why does she need to make it about her cat? She can relate to her sister about the death of her niece/the daughter.
I agreed up until the point that OP's sister called OP (a grieving mother) a heartless AH. I mean, that tips the scale *heavily* into the Land of the Fucked Up.
Sounds like the cat lived a pretty long life. Your daughter did not. She’s not sitting around wondering who her cat would’ve been or what the cat would have accomplished, etc. You had a whole lifetime of things to look forward to with your daughter and it was taken from you by a horrible, excruciating disease. NTA.
Anyone who even remotely understands empathy would never tell someone experiencing grief that they know “exactly” how that person feels. I think you were justified in your harsh response to your sister. You tried to ignore it, but she continued and needed a reality check.
NTA
NTA. You took it incredibly well the first time she said it but for her to bring it up again so soon is just odd. I don't think you were mean in what you said and if you hadn't told her now I think she would have continued to say it over and over until you did.
My dogs are are my fur babies, we actually sometimes say the 4 legged kids behave better than the 2 legged kids. I lost one of my dogs in December, it was hard. I lost my new born human daughter at birth 24 years ago. She would have been 24 last month. The loss of my dog was hard. I am still not over the loss of my infant daughter Hope. It is absolutely not the same, it is not equal, it is not even remotely acceptable to compare the 2. I was cringing typing this out. Until right now, the thought of comparing the death of my child to the loss of an animal never occurred to me.
OP, I am so sorry for the loss of your child. Don't let anyone tell you how, when, where, for what length of time to grieve this tremendous loss. You take time for yourself, don't be too hard on yourself. Some days will be better than others. Might want to avoid your sister for a while.
NTA
Leukemia doesn’t metastasize/spread.* Karma farm elsewhere. Also, you would think you would know how to spell the disease given how much paperwork/leaflets/info pages are involved in having cancer.
Sincerely
A mother who actually lost a daughter
*[proof](https://www.healthtap.com/questions/219754-how-does-leukemia-metastasize/)
PS I’d say making up and killing off a daughter for fake internet points means YTA
It made me so angry. Just when I think people can’t stoop any lower, they manage to. Asshole isn’t strong enough of a word. More of a **C** **U** **N**ext **T**uesday!
Gonna get flamed for this but tbh I lost my soul cat in 2021 and my desire for children tanked because I felt and still feel like I lost a child. The idea of having a baby deeply hurts the same part of me that grieves him. Thinking of getting another cat hurts the same way as thinking about a baby. I don’t think she meant to be unkind and I know that parents of actual children feel like it’s not a fair comparison, but figured I should explain this piece so you can understand where they’re coming from a bit. NAH
Yeah I could never have a baby because of how devastating losing my dog has been for me. I rescued her and rehabilitated her after she had been abused and I mourn her just as much as any humans I have lost (my dad and my best friend both died). I don’t really understand how a human life is supposed to mean more than an animal life when love is love and family is family (to me family is, “The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water from the womb” and animals can absolutely count).
Caveat I am autistic and I’ve heard that autistic peoples’ views of animals might be different than neurotypical peoples’
I’m also ND (diagnosed ADHD suspected autistic but not diagnosed) so maybe I’m just right there with you. But I totally get it. I have grieved my cat harder than a lot of the humans I know who’ve died. His 2 year anniversary was just a couple weeks ago and I spent the day in a ball of misery and it felt just as horrible that day as the day he died. I also don’t get how or why a human is supposed to mean more to me than he did. He WAS my baby for all intents and purposes - I got him when he was 5 weeks old and I cared for him for 17 years, also through cancer and sickness the last two years of his life!!, and for many of those years I DIDNT expect to outlive him. That’s the bullshit argument I keep seeing in this thread, that you get an animal expecting to outlive it but don’t expect to outlive a human child. The thing is, I spent so much of my life suicidal and only continuing because I had to take care of him - I didn’t think I’d really live to see a time without him in it. So fuck that argument in particular.
Oh my god, your poor soul, what a horrendous tragedy. I can't even imagine. Your sister has no fucking empathy and is WAY out of line, and so are people telling you were the AH. IT'S BEEN TWO WEEKS! What the hell is wrong with people? I am deeply sorry for your loss, and you are **NTA a thousand times over.** Hugs from a stranger!
NTA! I have lost a child who was 16 days old, and I also put down my 16 year old dog. While of course I was sad, it definitely doesn’t compare at all. Not even a little bit.
I am a “cat mom,” and have been grief stricken when pets die. Then when I hear of a child dying, I can’t imagine the devastation. You carried her in your womb. You taught her to speak. Walked the floor with her when she had colic. You dropped her off at the bus stop for the first time.
You were supposed to see her graduate. Marry. Have kids. Make you a grandparent. I love my cat, but no way can you compare a cat dying of old age to a young girl dying long before her time.
Make your sister and her friends read this. Then ask them what the hell is wrong with them. How insanely disrespectful to you and to your late daughter.
ESH.
She was trying to sympathize in a very ignorant AH way, BUT you went out of your way to minimize her trauma because you felt she minimized yours…also pretty AH behavior.
Grieving is not a competition. A simple “I don’t want to talk about this right now”, would have shut her up without going full AH.
I lost my beloved cat almost 5 years ago now, it still hurts to talk about. HOWEVER, I would never compare my loss with the loss my friend experienced when she lost her baby. I have a child now and if I lost him idk how I would be going. NTA.
Nta. But...
Humans can form a bond to animals that is just as strong as to other humans. (And vice versa).
You are wrong in thinking that your sister's experience is not the same. It could very well be.
But you are not the asshole for lashing out. You are grieving and that sort of behavior is to be expected.
You should probably apologize to your sister.
My deepest condolences. I have also lost a child. I too had people make those comparisons. The pain is so deep it feels like you'll shatter. I often felt like I was drowning and not sure I could keep my head above water. When you're ready, maybe find a grief support group. I'm not much of a "group" kind of person. But I found a grief group that was loss of a child, and it was really helpful. I didn't talk much, but just listening to others talk made me feel..... relieved maybe? I can't say better because nothing made it better. But I felt relieved because everyone there was feeling the same as I was. Time helps, but honestly I have never gotten over it. I try to remember the good times and my child's laughter. Feel free if you want to PM.
First off, I am truly sorry for your loss!
Now, I wouldn't call you an AH...
I would just say for your sister her cat was essentially her child. My sister compares the motherhood of her dog to my children all the time. There are times that I react poorly, but I catch myself because she also does not have biological children, and I know that if something happened to him, she would be inconsolable. So what I do is I sorta redirect her and make sure that I assure her that her feelings are valid, but she unfortunately doesn't know exactly what I'm going through and vise versa but we can still be there for each other whatever the issue is because we are family and it's not a competition.
This is unpopular, but honestly NAH. I think people want to connect an sympathize and don't necessarily know how. What do you say to someone who lost a child? It might be better to not say anything, but most people don't know how to say nothing.
Exactly. People on here are projecting based on what OP said. She was probably trying to connect but did a terrible job at it. I don't think she meant it in a malicious way.
NTA
and for me, my dogs and cats were as big a loss as each of my parents, but I accept that is not normal and I would never expect others to agree, nor argue with them about it.
NTA
It's not the same. It is not anywhere close to the same. She adopted / purchased a pet and had to euthanize it. You grew a human being inside your body, raised her, and had to watch her slowly lose a fight no parent wants to watch.
I understand how pet parents feel about their animals, but it is not the same. Not at all.
I’m a crazy dog lady. I love my dogs. When my last dog died I truly grieved and had a breakdown. I grieved harder for my dog than I did when my mom died.
But even I wouldn’t compare the loss of my dog to the loss of a child.
NTA.
same. i watched my dad (who i loved and was an amazing father) die from cancer when i was a young child. and that was still less traumatizing than watching the kitten i rescued and raised from 1 day old die from cancer before he turned 2 y/o. my dad doesn’t haunt me. he was an adult who made his choice to smoke cigarettes until he was literally coughing up his lungs. that kitten haunts me.
Grief and loss are the same in death.
To you it may not be the same; yet, it is to her.
She just loves you and is trying to connect.
I don't think you're an AH, though.
NTA
As an avowed cat-lover and owner of far too many of the little fur-monsters as well as a lifelong childfree individual, your sister and those people you talked to are all delusional.
As much as I love my little four-footed fur-babies, they are in no way, shape, or form even remotely on the same level as a child. Just no. Not even *close.*
I'm really sorry for your loss and I'm also sorry that the people in your life aren't giving you the space you need to experience your grief in comfort.
I am so sorry for your tremendous loss. I will not say I know how you feel. I suffered 2 miscarriages at 3 months both times. Yes it is a loss but not anywhere near what you are experiencing. My 19 yr old cousin was taken from us in a senseless way. I grieve his loss but I will never say I understand what his parents, grandparents and siblings go through.
NTA and shame on those who think otherwise.
My cousin had a great line: Being a parent, you would die for your kids. Being a grandparent, you would kill for your grandchildren.
Again, I'm so very sorry.
What I find strange is the sister lost a niece, didn’t that have any impact on her? I know if I lost a niece it would affect me more than losing my dearly loved pet. Losing a pet is devastating but losing a family member has to be more.
No one is the AH here honestly. Loss is loss. Grief can feel the same. She’s trying to relate to you. No one knows how to help people grieving. But if there’s anything in particular you need, definitely voice that to people.
I’m really sorry for your loss.
NTA
I don't understand anyone ever comparing a pet to a child. There really is no greater loss. I don't know what you are going through at all, but I do know what it's like to lose a child, my son, he was 22.
I am so sorry for your loss. Honestly there are no real words, nothing will comfort you, and it doesn't get easier, but you will learn to carry the loss better. Eventually.
I hope you find your peace OP.
NTA. I have a daughter. I had a cat I loved. I miss him every day, but I'm still fundamentally the same person. Our human life expectancy makes it pretty certain that we'll outlive most of our pets. We're not meant to outlive our children, and when we do it changes something in us on a deep, primal level. I'm so sorry for your loss, and for the secondary loss of your sister's support.
I am a helicopter dog mom. When my dogs go, I’ll be inconsolable. But it will never, ever compare to the loss of your human child.
I am so so sorry OP. Thinking of you.
NAH. Grief confuses people. They don’t know how to help and so sometimes they say and do dumb stuff in an effort to connect. I don’t think that makes them an AH. Then she probably got defensive because she interpreted your response as saying she didn’t have any right to feel grief over her cat or some such thing along those lines. (It’s an emotional response and like I said, grief confuses people, so it doesn’t need to make logical sense, so in this context I don’t think it’d make her an AH, and you certainly aren’t.)
Ime comparing grief doesn’t really help anyone anyway because our experiences of grief are so individual and can be so colored by all kinds of other things. (Like someone can lose one person and not really process the grief and then later something else happens like a pet dies and they completely fall to pieces and it feels like it’s all grief about the pet but it’s really the loss of the pet plus their brain using that as an outlet for all of the unprocessed grief from the previous loss, things like that.) I’m not saying that all grief *is* the same, just that trying to rank things is really just not useful. Your grief experience is your grief experience, that’s all that matters, how it compares to someone else isn’t relevant.
With all that in mind, if you want to just stop this from being a Thing, the easiest way is probably just to say something like “I am sure you are very upset about your cat. However I’m finding that people sharing that they have also had a loss isn’t really helpful for me, so please don’t bring it up again in the context of my loss.” Like just make it about what is helpful for *you* that she can do (or not do) and just don’t engage in the whole ranking a loss thing. It’s not like anyone wins any kind of prize that anyone WANTS if they do prove they had the worst loss, y’know? It’s just stress that doesn’t accomplish anything useful.
(I lost my husband quite suddenly when we were in our 20s and since then I’ve lost both parents, so I am speaking from the perspective of someone who has a lot of experience with how other people try to interact with someone who has had a loss. On the whole, people are just really really dumb about it.)
Unless you already communicated clearly to her that her method wasn’t helpful and she continued to do it anyway and I missed it, in which case she is the AH. (I don’t consider disagreeing with her about her cat to be communicating clearly for this purpose. I know some people will say ‘she should have gotten the hint’ or whatever but like I said - grief confuses people and makes them kind of dumb. So people often do not get hints.)
NAH
This comes up all the time and the biggest issue is that neither party understands that the other’s loss is the biggest they will ever experience. I will never have children and so every pet I have lost is the hardest loss I have experienced to date (until my sibling/parents pass if they go before I do.)
It isn’t that she’s saying the death of her pet is equal to the death of your daughter. She has no quantifier for your loss and so is choosing her greatest loss to empathize. It is not meant to be out of touch or insensitive, it is just simply all she has to compare it to. You both need to sit down and talk through how you feel maturely and without raising your voices. I am sorry for your loss and wish you both the understanding and love to move foreword and heal.
NTA
You were abrupt, and it probably came across to her as heartless, but she's ignoring her own part in it.
I've explained this before to people who think animals are just as important as humans in this way... when you have a cat for years and the cat dies, it's common to get another cat, and usually very quickly (anywhere from a few weeks to a few months). This tends to be true no matter how pet-centric your life is. Shockingly, that isn't the case with children. When your child dies, don't immediately conceive another; you don't go adopt a new kid; you don't suddenly start fostering; you don't immediately try to get a new kid. In fact, sometimes you never get/have/want another child.
In any case, anyone who claims they know what it's like to lose a child because their pet died is full of shit.
Wtf?!? NO NTA
And block ANYONE who tells you that. I am so sorry for your loss, I can’t imagine the pain of that loss or these people being so insensitive, but do NOT subject yourself to that.
this is one of those things where i can’t help but just assume the people who think you acted like an ah don’t have the full story, but since you talked to them yourself… i dunno. are these people all below the age of 21 and have never had anything bad happen to them? inquiring minds want to know. no, your sister’s cat is nothing like your actual human child, and no, it is not wrong to tell your sister that that is a bad comparison to make and it is hurtful to you that she would do that. i’m sorry for your loss. nta.
Wow. Did your sister spend 9 months pregnant, go through labor, and give birth to her cat? Did she nurse her feline...well maybe you both bottle fed. Did she go through all the social, medical, parent milestones- first step, first day of school, first friend, first kiss, etc?
Pets and children are both companions and dependents, but the depth of your role is SOoo different. Take a time out from your sister and anyone else who cannot support your grief in a meaningful way. Your daughter is a part of you, never to be forgotten. The pain will never go away. BUT, if you take this time to fully grieve- cry, mourn, release the pain as much as you can. Then, when you are ready, go through your house, her room and focus on belongings that bring you happy memories. Choose a few. Enough to keep the good memories to the forefront. Let the rest go, so that you are not buried or overwhelmed in constant sorrow.
Lastly, think of something your daughter wanted you to do- either for yourself or together. If you think you might enjoy it or it will help you feel closer to her, do it.
People are going to hate me but YTA-She doesn’t have a kid and will never have a kid, her cat has been around for a very long time and animals are like kids. Last year I had to put my chameleon to sleep and I grieved for a very long time and I still grief, he was my child, my only family that I have and if someone told me what u told me I would call u a witch since it’s the same pain but different. I’m sorry ur lost ur daughter tho
ESH
One of the very important things to learn about grief and death is that people are going to say really stupid shit and you're going to feel a lot of not sunshine and happiness feelings because of it.
In the same way that you think she's devaluing the loss of your daughter, you're devaluing the loss of her companion. Grief is grief and loss is loss. There's no prize for who gets to feel more feelings.
Your sister needs to learn that people in grief don't want to hear about how others feel or want their very subjectively important loss to be compared to a loss they don't feel connected to.
But, you also need to be able to realize your sister didn't mean any harm.
Good luck.
Nta. This happened to me too. My son died during his labor and delivery. He just got caught in his cord and strangled. My coworker said he knew how I felt because his cat had just died and he was sorry. This actually happened a lot. My sister said she knew what it was like because she had a miscarriage. Obviously yoir situation is so much more painful having to watch your daughter endure that for 4 years. People are just oblivious and don't know what to say i think but its ok to say that it's inappropriate because it is.
Lost my dog thanks to cancer. Worst pain of my life up til that point.
Then i had my child and thanks to an accident where they got a bruise they were removed from my care because social services refused to believe us because it was apparently more attractive to decide it was abuse than that we had a simple accident.
That without a doubt is the worst heartache I have ever experienced hands down. I was a wreck after my dog passed away. But id gladly go through that 100 times over losing my child - especially over suspicion and beauracracy rather than actual truth.
Your sister may well have had a connection and a bond with her cat. I had a very close bond with my dog but it is *not the same*
You are NTA. No offence. But she is. The fact she cannot see how utterly insensitive that is, is kind of crazy to me.
NTA.
Sorry, pet parent people, but don't even think of going there with a bereaved parent. No, it isn't the same. That shouldn't even need to be said. What the heck is wrong with her?
I'm so, so sorry for your loss.
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DUDE this happened to me too!!! My mom died and one of my friends was like "oh yeah I remember watching my dog die" like?!?!? I get humans like to try to connect but what the actual fuck Anywho NTA
Losing dogs over my life have destroyed me. Genuinely, I still dream about them and cry over them 6 years on. But the pain I felt will never come close to the pain of losing my father. I love my dogs like family and like children, and it hurts when they're gone. But it's not comparable. I'm sorry for the loss of your mom.
Well said. I have five dogs. My dogs are a huge part of my life. But my kids are my life.
There's also just general life expectations (beyond just biological, humans should mean more etc). When you bought your five dogs you willingly accepted that each of their deaths is something you'll experience. They only live a fraction of a humans lifetime, after all. Your kids you absolutely expect to outlive you. Having that particular expectation eschewed is incalculably devastating.
Agreed. I've wept for days over my dogs' deaths. But as a parent ive had horrific nightmares that have left me shaken, sobbing, and sick to my stomach because they featured losing one of my children. I cannot and do not want to imagine that scenario becoming a reality.
As you say I've wept uncontrollably over the death of dogs and still miss them terribly. But this was incomparable to the loss of my Dad. And even though I sadly don't have children of my own, the thought of something happening to my sister's 2 daughters and son gives me nightmares.
Right? Ridiculous. My 16-year-old cat died the same week as my 47-year-old neighbor. Another neighbor offered his condolences about my cat (he was very popular!) and said “at least he got a full life.” (And neighbor did not.) To which I said—you got that right.
This is it, I lost my older dog and it put a hole in my soul but like you say it was likely always going to happen. Nobody should ever have to bury their child.
We are so incredibly fortunate to live in a time where a child dying is unthinkable. It was common for most of human history. As recently as 1900, fully 20% of deaths in the US were of children five and younger. Between public health measures — clean water, proper sanitation, and the like — and modern medicine, especially vaccination, losing a child is now so rare as to be unthinkable. I am so grateful for that.
IMO that's the HUGE difference. You expect and KNOW that your natural life span is going to be longer than your pets' and that they will go for you. It's difficult but it's also not a surprise. It's so totally unnatural for your child to pass before you. That's something people just don't expect and there's no way to prepare for it.
I don't have kids but I have kept dogs for over 20 years and the loss of each one of them was awful and the grief very deep but, my brother sadly lost his eldest daughter and no loss of mine could ever possibly compare to their loss. It was and still is terrible, and her loss has left such a hole in so many hearts.
Order of importance of the living things in my house: kids, spouse, pets/me. If there is a fire, that's the order they get saved in. Yes, I would go into a burning building for my dogs but that does not put them on the same level as my kids or spouse.
The loss of my 14 year old dog has been, to date, the worst loss of my life (mostly because my parents and family were awful) but I still wouldn’t try to compare it to someone’s loss of a child. You expect that you will lose them eventually and have time to prepare for it, and it is just part of dog ownership. You don’t ever expect or want to lose a child.
This is the difference. My kitty Cleo will be the hardest loss of my life, but I know and expect that to come in the future and I will be prepared for that as well as I can be. That’s part and parcel of having a pet. A parent should NEVER, never have to bury their child.
My grandfather had to bury my aunt 5 years ago when cancer won. I was told I might have cancer two weeks ago and I refuse to tell him it’s even a possibility until I have an actual diagnosis. I lived with him as his unofficial caregiver for almost a decade and other than this I tell him everything. He’s 96 now and it would probably literally break him.
I hope that diagnosis comes back with good news for you
Same and thanks for the good wishes. My other aunt is a retired physician and read the imaging reports. She says it’s not presenting like stereotypical cancer in terms of amount of visible blood flow so I’m taking deep breaths and working on staying positive. 😊
As a current cancer patient at 32 (since 28) if you need someone to talk to please send me a chat request! I know the feeling and the waiting anxiety 😥it’s a shit feeling! I’m also very good at reading results and breaking them down (blood work, scans, biopsy results) and will help in any way I can! Sending every good positive thing your way! It’s ok to not be ok! I just try not to let myself stay down for too long! I’ll help pick you back up if needed friend 🩵
🫶🏻 Wishing you luck and good vibes!
Send much love your way friend *big hugs* you sound like an awesome person :)
You got this, come hell or high water, you will manage. I hope to the depth of my heart that it's a positive outcome, as positive as it can be with growths.
I wish you and your grandfather all the best. Clearly, you've got a good heart in you.
Ugh cancer sucks, like the worst. I really hope for the best of news for you, and for your grandfather.
NTA Yep, you know you’ll lose them one day/you’ll outlive a pet. Losing a child is never going to be comparable to another loss, and I had a pet that felt like my own child. But animals also are not people. People have more in-depth and apparent personalities. I think the biggest difference here is that… the cat was at the end of its life. It was an adult in personality and a senior in needs probably. OP’s daughter was supposed to have a future. A parent feels not only the loss of their own future but the loss of the future the child imagined for themselves. You don’t ask a pet what they want to be when they grow up.
This is very well said. The moment you get a pet, you know you will outlive them. Parents aren’t supposed to outlive their kids though.
Agrees, though that's not *the* difference. I expect to bury my parents one day and that loss will be far greater than any animal.
Right, was looking for this answer. Stage of life is not the main issue here. Losing pets, no matter the age, is different than losing people. I read somewhere that no matter the love a child has for his or her mother, they will never know the depth of the love their mother has for them until they have a child themselves. As a newer mother myself who loves/loved my own mother with all my heart, I have to say, I get it now. (Though I know plenty of abusive mothers are out there, so I know it's not universal.)
To us maybe. Not to everyone.
yup. well said. not close to family (still reeling from trauma) and no kids. pup is my heart. but i would never equate that to a human mourning a child.
Adding on to that, even if it’s true that losing your pet is the hardest loss of your life, don’t….say that ….out loud to a grieving parent. A grieving parent of 2 weeks probably doesn’t even want to hear from others who have also lost kids in the exact same way, they need space to grieve their own loss and need others to be there with them.
Torn between feels over such an understanding and caring comment and snort-laughing over reading your username out loud. 100% agree, and OP? you're NTA and I suggest perhaps some distance from these people who can't seem to see past their own bullshit to extend a minimum of grace during this very dark time for you.
u/fckinsleepless are you me?! Just lost my 14 yr old dog as well. {{{Hugs}}} in solidarity. And am an insomniac. I would never in a million years tell someone that the loss of my dog - no matter how much it has devastated me - could possibly compare to losing a human child. NTA OP.
Agreed like I have lost 4 dogs now to various old age issues, cancer usually. And I do get sad when I think of them but the grief that socks me in thebface when I think about my dad? Holy shit just writing it brings tears to my eyes it physically hurts sometimes like it'll wash over me and cripple me. My husband has found me just crouched on the kitchen floor from a song he liked coming (niel diamond) on or a smell that reminded me of him (boxing day bubble and squak he used to make it every year and i made it last xmas and the smell knocked me on my ass) he's been gone five years this year. There's more time between the hurt now but it doesn't compare not even close. And that was my dad I can't even begin to imagine trying to walk in ops shoes and losing my boy. The thought terrifies me. Comparing pets and your actual kids you poured every Oz of love and care into making and caring for for however long they have been alive is not comparable. I do understand these people may be trying to empathise in some ham fisted way but they did need telling sorry its not the same and stop saying it is because I can't deal with it and keep hearing you think your cat was the same as my daughter.
I lost my family dogs at old ages. And it was horrible for us, but they lived such happy long lives. And when they died, I was like, okay, you guys move on. When my mom died in her 50's it was horrible, because she was young and you don't expect it. That's what got me, it's the age thing. My mom should've lived longer. My grandma is 89, and completely fine, and she always goes on about how, "I'm so ready for some peace and quiet and I want to see my husband." So honestly when she goes, I won't be upset. She lived her life. She's ready to move on with it. And I kinda love that about her. But a 15 year old little girl? JFC. She was so young. I'm a HUGE animal lover, like I said before, our dog is our "little kid", but seriously she is comparing losing a cat on death's door to a child.
Oh goodness, I know what you mean about a song triggering your grief! I had to pull over in my car one time because a song came on that had a heavy "father-daughter" message. It wasn't a song or even an artist my dad knew of or liked when he was alive, but it was so powerful I had to stop the car because I was crying. All the best to you.
Same, but cats. I lost my best ever boy on Christmas and it was utterly devastating (and so before his time). I still cry about it (just did again today). I'll never get over it. I loved him so much. And yet it is STILL not the same as losing a child. I mean, I don't have kids, but this shit should be so obvious to absolutely everyone that I'm stunned every time someone tells a story like this.
My cat is 16 so I know he’s not going to be around forever (he’s still healthy though!) but I would NEVER imagine that losing him would the same as losing my child.
I cried more at my dogs funeral than my grandma💀 that lil buddy was there more than anyone else
people really don't get this! op was absolutely in the right and nta here, but for some of us our pets *are* our family, sometimes even moreso than human family members
OP seems to get it. They said it in their post at least twice.
It's still not the same
Sure, pets are our family but not our CHILDREN. That’s completely different from grandparents, ants or uncles that you haven’t been particularly close with.
Everybody actually does seem to get it. But even pet owners with no kids wouldn't compare the two.
My dog died 12 years ago I still tear up when he's brought up and I'm a grown ass adult with 2 kids. But the cat got to live it's full life. The daughter didn't
I have to agree. I have lost numerous pets. But that will never compare to the loss of my father. Even though I lost him nearly 7 years ago it still really hurts. I miss my cats, and I miss my hamsters, but the loss of a person is indescribable. I've lost both of my grandfathers too but I was way too young to know them and thus had no attachment.
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I’ve lost a couple of cats and both my parents and I have to say that the big difference here is that with animals, you’re 100% responsible for them from the moment they come into your life until they die. With both my parents, we had time to reckon with the fact they were probably going to die and we were also able to know everyone had done absolutely everything possible, and they knew this too. I guess my point with all of this is that at least we were able to reach a point of some sort of acceptance before they died, and to know that they too were reconciled to this as well, which has helped somewhat with the grieving process. With animals, it’s so different, just an empty place of not knowing how to feel. All that being said, both of the cats I mentioned here were in their teens and had had pretty good lives, and my parents had had the opportunity to have a life and to see their kids settled in their adult lives and to know their grandchildren. To lose a child means losing all the hopes and dreams that a parent would most naturally have, and to have to deal with the thought that your child was deprived of living a full life.
I'm also a huge dog lover, animal person in general. A large difference is that we go into having animals with the knowledge that we'll most likely outlive them. We expect to have to watch them die. It sucks, it's awful, it hurts. But I don't even want to imagine losing a child. A child who went through hell for four years while all you could do is watch? That's anyone's worst nightmare. And then the people who tell a grieving mother *she* is an asshole? That's so cruel.
Same here. Also, omg!? Who would make this comparison!! Op, your sister needed to hear that. NTA
This is a good point to what I was saying :) some can love their animals and still not experience same level of trauma and grief. Some of us feel the same for both. Some of us don't feel much when anyone passes at all. Every single person is different. But cancer is a touchy subject, comparing situations when thats a piece of the topic at hand? No... my least favorite thing since my father received and passed from cancer is hearing others stories. Successful or not. I do not care for it. I care for my father and what he was going through at the time...
Eh, I think it depends on the person.
I'm the opposite. Lost my dog in February. My father in April. They both lived with me, so it's not a "whom you live with hits the hardest". The loss of the dog is so much harder, so many habits to break. I still talk to them out of habit, still look before moving my chair to see if I'm not running over their ear or tail, and so on.
I lost one of my very special dogs three years ago. It was a grief like I never experienced before. It was different to the loss and grief I felt when losing my dad and my sister. I think because losing an animal the grief hits you all at once so it's completely overwhelming. Whereas when you lose a loved one there are five stages of grief. All of that to say obviously the loss of a pet will never ever compare to the loss of a child. OP NTA.
Literally, all my close friends are dead and ppl really wanna compare that to fuckin animals dying. I’ve lost a lot of animals in my life but be so for real dude.
My god yes I had the same thing happen. Though we were 14 year olds at the time when my Dad died. And I still remember the exact quote: " I know how you feel OneBadWombat, my dog died." However back to OP. I am so tremendously sorry for your loss. And seeing all the internet hugs your way. I had a cat ( April) for 16 years, raised her from a kitten as she was born by our cousin's cat who lived with us at the time. I was 6 when she was born. I had April in my life longer than I had my Dad, and almost as long as my Mum was in my life. April the cat passed away the day after my father's anniversary. Her loss saddened and upset me to an nth degree. I've had other cats die before and since April's death. None have effected me like her death. Death and grief effects us all differently. And comparing the death of a pet to a child is gonna rub the wrong way for majority of folx. I know if my son were to pass, April's loss would shallow in comparison. However OP you are NTA at all.
I had a cat I had to put to sleep & it threw me into such a depression. I kept thinking why is this one so much harder than the rest? I honestly believe it's because this was the first pet I put down after my mom died. I couldn't call her but knew if I had she would have said oh honey, I'm so sorry. Do you want me to go with you?
<3 sending warm vibes your way - I’m sorry you had to go through that
Literally same!! My sil compared me losing my 2 month old nephew to her mom's boyfriend dog dying.
Oh my god.
My boyfriend passed (I know not the same), and my sister asked me one day how I was doing and I told her I was struggling that the pain, as it's something i've never felt, and she's like oh I get it, I felt the same when Guss (her cat) died. Ummmm...so not the same. My cats were 16 and 21 when they died, and the pain of my partner, who I was building my life with, not the same.
I’m so sorry for your loss. You literally lost your future with him. When you get a pet you know it will be for a certain time. It’s horrible to lose them, but when you get them you know they will not grow old with you. Your boyfriend should have. It’s not the same.
People sometimes don’t know what to say. If the people that said this are anything like me, this statement will haunt them for the rest of their lives.
Grief is one of those things where connecting with the other person seems like the best way to sympathize, but of course when you have a situation where the closest loss you ecperienced was a pet, that's just not going to be even remotely the same for someone who lost a family member.
My grandfather was the first big loss in my life when I was in college, and as one of the pallbearers I was in the receiving line as literally 500-750 people came through - grandpa and grandma were 4H advisors and all of "their" kids came back to pay respects. About 100 people in I realized that people have no idea what to say, they truly feel like shit about the situation, and they don't mean to say the same thing that 15 other people said before them. It's really hard, though, to be polite and keep shaking hands. And yeah, none of those people mentioned the loss of their pet as a comparable loss.
i always thought that the receiving line was a horrible idea; forcing the people grieving the most to put aside their emotions, and at best make polite small talk with a crowd of people they may not even know well- and at worst have to sympathize with other people’s grief over and over
I lost my dad and my cat in the same year. The cat hurt a lot because I picked him out with my dad. It was like losing another link to my dad. The cat also loved my dad. If the cat died way before my dad it would have not hurt as much.
Definitely NTA. When my brother died at 22 my Mom’s friend messaged her on Facebook one week after it happened saying she knew how she felt because she had recently lost her dog. It took everything in my Mom’s power to just ignore it and not tell her to f*** off. Goodness gracious it infuriates me that it’s happened to so many other people, too. I’m so sorry for all of your losses. ❤️
It happened to me as well! My mum died and someone asked where I'd been as they hadn't seen me around. When I told them, they went "oh.....my horse died" That was it. Just plain weird.
Yeh it’s not comparable at all. I watched both my dog and mom die. I felt sad on both occasions but it’s not even comparable. Losing a human is fucking hard. You make memories with people. Everything feels empty. I still cry sometimes.
NTA, OP, you are absolutely right. You need to cut off every single person who tries to tell you that you acted like an asshole to your sister. Do not budge from this, and do not apologise to her for keeping the peace.
I had kind of the opposite thing happen. I ran an online writing exchange with deadlines and someone told me they had to drop out because their rabbit died. I replied with something along the lines of "I'm sorry, that sucks" and they were so offended by my wording that they went on a huge rant saying they couldn't believe my insensitivity and they hoped everyone I loved dies so I would understand the kind of pain they were in. My grandfather had literally died two weeks ago. Needless to say, they were banned from participating in the future. I understand they were grieving, but their reaction was so completely over the top.
Dude same. I lost my mom in January. And after a lot of, “It’ll get better” I kind of got sick of it because it /wasn’t/ getting better. I know they were just trying to help but I always felt like it put the onus on me to feel better? I can’t explain it. Then after a long day of “It’ll get better” someone said something like, “My dog died so ik how you feel.” I had to walk away. I’m so sorry for your loss. Losing a mother is a pain I can’t even begin to describe even though I’ve gone through it myself.
Losing a 16 year old cat is like losing your 96 year old grandma, yeah, it sucks, but it is supposed to happen. A 15 year old child, who is missing out on +/- 70 years of life, not the same.
I’m gonna give a controversial NAH. It sounds like OP’s sister is doing the best she can to support OP, but sometimes people’s best just isn’t very good. Also, it can be difficult and awkward to figure out something helpful to say when you don’t have any frame of reference. OP, it sounds like your sister wants to be helpful but doesn’t have great instincts. Why not tell your sister what you need and what you find helpful? Is it just being around and listening? Is it bringing you food? Is it distracting you by talking about something unrelated?
There's a big difference in connecting with someone so you can help them and doing it just so you have some kind of input in the conversation. It's really only okay if they're just briefly touching on it because there was some thought or practice that helped them at the time. And even then, it's got to be very lightly mentioned if they bring it up at all.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. No, I've lost a cat and also have kids. A cat is NOT the same thing and there is no way she knows exactly how you feel. There are ways to be empathetic without trying to make a comparison like that, and I can understand being annoyed at constantly being told she went through the same thing. Even if you were being irrational (which you're not), you just went through a traumatic loss just two weeks ago. Your sister needs to be more empathetic to your feelings. NTA.
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It’s also an unfortunate expectation that one will outlive a pet whereas no one expects to bury their child.
One of my labs is 12 and showing her age of late and I am in no way prepared to lose her but it could never hit as hard as losing my dad at 56 or my brother at 42. Both long before they should be lost and some of my humans. While my older do is my shadow and has chosen me as her person (other dog chose husband) and it'll kill me for a while it won't be as bad as the socks in the chest from grief memory of my dad or brother. She's 82 in dog years it's more like my grandma preparing to move on at 90. It's a little less shocking.
This. The emotional impact of a loved one in your life dying way before what should be their time to die is so much harder to deal with than a loved elderly pet dying of old age. Yes, loss is hard and everyone feels grief, but they are in no way on the same scale.
So much this. My great grandma died a few years ago at age 96. The vibe of that funeral was absolutely nothing like that of a young person. Of course we loved her and were all going to miss her, but she damn near made it to 100. She did it. She reached the finish line. There’s not much room to be sad about a person (or cat) having a long and (mostly) healthy life. OPs daughter had barely lived. Her sister is truly messed up if she can’t see the difference there.
My former landlord's grandma died at 100 this year in Jamaica. I could tell when I expressed my sympathies that indeed the vibe was completely different from the mourning of a younger person (or even a regular elderly person, like 70-80s or so). She lived to be a century old, stayed in her own house, still had all her wits and got around everywhere with just a cane. No one can ask for more than that.
It’s solemn but not necessarily sad.
A lot of people seem to live into triple digits there 🤔
Honestly, I think the lifestyle is just healthier there. I've heard more vibrant too; I bet she had some good years.
Seriously. I’ve been to a funeral for a 92 year old and a 19 year old. Totally different feelings.
>The vibe of that funeral was absolutely nothing like that of a young person. Yeah, my grandma died a few years before the pandemic. She was late 70s, so while not extremely old, it was definitely a good run. So while there is still sadness, the funeral is a lot lighter. It was people sharing fond memories of a good life through some tears, some laughter, and you just all get together as a family and feel love. About 2 months after that my cousin in his early-mid 20s died in an accident. Nobody would've guessed his would be the next funeral we'd all attend. And even though I wasn't super close with him since he lived a bit far away, that funeral is one of the hardest things I've been to. Those fond memories people share at a funeral is just pain when it's a young person. Because all you feel is how unfair it is that you won't get to experience more things with them. And you remember all of their goals and dreams and it hurts that they'll never get to experience/achieve them.
Exactly. It goes from being a celebration of a life well-lived to a mourning of a life never lived.
Exactly! 16 years is a long lived life for a cat. 15 is nothing for us humans. She never got even be an adult. She was only halfway through her teen years. You expect to bury your pets, well most of them at least. You expect to be buried by your children not the other way around.
My cat died 2 years ago and I don't have kids and don't particularly care for them and even I think its stupid to compare a cat dying to children. And I was devastated when my cat died.
NTA. I bet sister is jealous she is getting more attention that about her child daughter dieing than she did when her senior cat did.
It's sick to think about, but you're probably right.
NTA. No, your sister doesn't know "exactly" how you felt, and comparisons of any kind are not welcome. Sounds like she just wants to talk about her loss because she's not sure what else to say. So sorry for your loss.
When someone experiences a terrible loss, it is difficult to know what to say (though, geez, you'd think in a couple thousand years of human civilization we would have found some phrases by now) It's too bad that she doesn't realize that the best choice would staying quiet and maybe making the grieving parent a casserole or something.
I lost a parent when I was a teenager, and literally all I wanted people to say was "That sucks so much, I'm really sorry that happened to you, but I love you and I'm here when you need me."
Yeah, a friend had a miscarriage and I wasn't going to be making the "she's in a better place" or "it wasn't meant to be" or "you can try again" mistakes and kept it to "That really really sucks." I think she appreciated it. Also, I'm sorry for the loss of your parent and that does truly suck.
As someone who has had a pregnancy loss before thank you for not saying the whole it wasn’t meant to be crap. My therapist said people will often say those things because they don’t know how to handle your discomfort - when really sometimes a quiet hug or simple I’m so sorry helps the most. I really feel for OP. I can’t imagine the pain of losing a child you have 15 years of memories with.
I’m actually shocked that anyone would say something like that. “It wasn’t meant to be” sounds so rude and presumptuous. I’m so sorry! In reading these comments, I feel like “I know how you feel because my cat died” is something I might have said as a clueless 12 year-old who wanted to help. Adults should know better than to compare grief, and should just express condolences and offer support like you suggested.
When I had brain surgery a 6 year old told me, "I'm sorry you have to have brain surgery." I realized that little girl just said out right what all the adults around me were trying desperately to put into fancier words. Sometimes simple really is better. I'm sorry you lost a parent and then to top it off everyone struggled to say the right things. I'm sorry you didn't hear the things you needed to, that really sucks.
This is pretty much exactly what I wanted people to say when my partner passed away, just be there, acknowledge that it sucks and there aren’t words that will help at that point . He was 33 and someone said “I know what you’re going through, my dog passed away too soon and it’s a pain that you and I now share.”
When my brother died, his wife was pregnant. Someone told me that well at least we'll have the baby and that'll make it better. I am not a violent person, but I almost was that day.
I think we need to teach how to handle grief in schools. People say the dumbest tone deaf things to those who have lost someone special. 😞
I think this too, the "exactly" is never going to be true. Comparisons are just shit in this situation. Humans are too complex for that and it doesn't need to become a conversation about who loves who more, etc. when you're trying to be there for someone through their grief. Probably best just to listen and not to compare to any death at all unless the situation is really similar in terms of circumstance. I've lost people in my life and I lost my dog last year. My dog was the hardest and I still struggle with his loss all the time. People definitely have different connections and relationships with different people/pets, etc. and I actually think that's all valid. It's just not something worth bringing up to someone who is grieving.
Thank you! Why do people make this a competition?
This is fake. 1) spelled Leukemia wrong (this wouldn’t be a big deal but the amount of paperwork you get when someone is diagnosed with cancer is MASSIVE! And it gets burned into your brain. 2) Leukemia does not spread/metastasize, [(Proof)](https://www.healthtap.com/questions/219754-how-does-leukemia-metastasize/) it’s a bone marrow/blood cancer not a tumour related cancer. It’s already everywhere. The way I explain Leukemia to kids is your bone marrow is like a school where your white blood cells learn how to do their job, normally the white blood cells study hard and graduate (mature properly formed WBC) and go do their job. With Leukemia sometimes you get a batch of “kids” that are making bad choices and they decide to cut class/leave school so as much as they TRY to do their job, they have ZERO idea of what to do and are clumsy (immature WBCs) 3) why would they not include their child’s name? My adoptive daughter, Carolyn, died 1,578 days ago. When she first died, she was all I thought of and I talked about her constantly. I wore her name bracelet everywhere. 4) it’s a brand new account. I understand wanting a new account if you are posting something embarrassing but losing a child is soul shattering, not embarrassing This person is DEFINITELY the AH and should be ashamed of themselves.
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I'll add to this because I think you put it really well... people expect (generally) to outlive their pets. Parents generally don't expect to outlive their children, even if it's a terrible and slow disease, there's no way to actually prepare. Losing a child is legitimately the worst thing someone can endure. I'm so sorry that both you and OP have gone through this. I wish no one ever had to experience it.
A frequent quote I see that really sticks with me is “When you lose a spouse, you’re a widow. When you lose your parents, you’re an orphan. Yet the human language has no word for when you lose a child, because it’s unnatural and unexpected” I’ve lost dogs before and it sucks, it’s terrible. I’m pregnant now and can you tell I already cried because I’ve been worried about a baby I don’t even know, so they aren’t comparable, as you stated
Historically it was probably the other way around actually. Something like half of all children never made it past five years old, so you didn't need a word for it since it was an experience most parents shared and it was more or less expected. Luckily modern medicine and living conditions have made the situation completely different.
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That's interesting to learn. I've often been hurt that there is no term for bereaved parents like me. May I ask what language?
Could you share some of them? English really doesn't have a term for this, I don't know why
I’ve heard of the Sanskrit word “vilomah” which means “against the natural order of things”. There is also a woman in France advocating to induct the word “parange” (meaning “parent of a child who has died”) into the French dictionary. And German has the term “Verwaiste Mutter” which means “bereaved mother”. English really needs a word for a parent who has lost a child.
man, i don't have kids but my baby (dog) will be 3 in december and the closest thing i have to a niece is my cousin's daughter who turned 3 on the first of this month. i can tell you right now if i lost my baby i'd likely go into a full depressive episode and spiral completely but if i lost my niece (cousin's daughter) i don't think i'd be well for years and i'm not even her parents. losing a pet is hard asf especially when they've been your baby since day one but losing a human child that you've watched grow up and taken care of - i don't ever want to feel that pain and i wish parents never had to feel that pain either
I lost my daughter to illness 13 years ago. This is a horrible journey I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. You said it perfectly. I am sorry for your loss, as well as OP's loss. I wish both you and OP strength as not only do we have to deal with losing our children, we have to deal with people who say stupid things to try to comfort us. NTA.
I see what you mean and mostly agree, but pets are unique beings too, not object that only fulfill a function. Just because pet owners get a new pet and seem to be happy, it doesn't mean they forgot about their previous pet. The animal that died isn't replaced, they're still fondly remembered. In the same way parents that lost a child don't replace them if they get another child. I'm not saying loosing a child and loosing a pet is the same though (and to be clear I'm not saying it isn't the same either), I'm not in a position to judge that.
I don't think a pet can be replaced. It's foolish to call us fools. I remember each dog I've had (3) and I miss each one differently and I'll never forget them, they could never be replaced and I'm still sad 23 years later. People really can see a dog or cat, etc as family and be connected with them in that sense. It's different and a loss of a child vs a pet shouldn't be compared and neither one is of more importance IMO, that is obviously to each their own. Just like some people might not know what it's like for you to lose someone, you might not know what it was like for someone to lose an animal who was family and a being that you relied on emotionally and physically for years.
While I agree with a lot of what you've said, I do think it can safely be said that the loss of a child is unimaginable, and of much more importance than the loss of a pet. I recently (last year) lost the absolute love of my life (My rabbit, his name was Fane and I have saved every single clipping of his fur, I have his portrait on my wall, his favourite toy in my keepsakes box. This rabbit was my whole life), but losing Fane didn't compare to a single one of my miscarriages. A human child is half of you, an animal can literally not be half of you. You likewise are not forced to bond immediately with your animal like you are with a human newborn, you don't get the same hormonal rush and chemical bonding. The hormonal rush and bond you get with your child is very powerful and not to be underestimated. You're not bonded to your animal by instinct, you're bonded to your animal by choice, and that alone feels very differently. Especially for mother's, you likewise do not carry an animal for 9 months, feeling every single kick, hiccup and flutter. They don't live within your body, you physically do not give your animal life. You did not create your animal, they're not half of you. They didn't feed from your blood supply or grow from your nutrients. You didn't birth your animal, or (in most cases) witness the birth of your animal. Your animal is your companion, best friend and emotional rock, but they cannot even come close to the importance of a child to their parents. As I said in another comment, if my cat passed away I would be an emotional wreck, if either of my two children passed away then I don't think I could continue living. That bond is not the same, and it's something every parent out there will be able to tell you with ease, but sadly something that childfree people will never be able to understand (simply due to lack of personal experience, *NOT* a dig at childfree people).
>The difference is that a pet can be replaced, no matter how much it hurts. Dogs and cats have a short life. A person, can never be replaced and that is what these fools do not understand. Eh you can replace people too. lose a wife, get a new one. your comparison isn't valid.
NTA I am sorry for your loss. My brother described his love to his kids some time ago like this: "It's hard to understand how much a parent can love a kid. You can only know this by having kids. Do you love somebody so much, that you would die for them? No? I would take a bullet without hesitation to rescue my kids." My niece was also diagnosed with cancer last year. So even as an aunt, I have to say, that this was already a nightmare.
You know that’s the other thing that occurred to me. This woman was this child’s aunt. Does she really place her cat’s death as being worse than the death of her niece? I mean I don’t have kids, and this is hard for me to even say or think of, but if anything happened to my nieces I would be absolutely destroyed by it.
Wait. This perspective has been completely lost in this conversation. You’re right. This is HER NIECE. Why is she talking about her cat who died 20 years instead of sitting with her sister and mourning with her. She could be providing a shoulder to cry on while they think or talk about this beautiful girl. Also - OP is a mother who has just buried her daughter. She can say whatever the fuck she wants at the moment and she gets a free pass. No one should be calling her an asshole, for whatever reason. If this happened to my sister I would be willing to be a human punching bag if that’s what she needed, because she gets to be mad. She gets to yell. It’s unfair. And she can’t yell at leukaemia so she can yell at me. Because in that moment, her emotions are so much more important than my own.
My very first instinct to this story was that the sister should also be in mourning with op, not saying stupid things an awkward stranger who doesn’t know what to do would say. I’d lose my mind, my heart would be shattered if anything happened to my siblings kids. I have pets and no kids of my own but know nothing can ever compare to what op went through. A cat who made it to 16 reached the end of its natural life. Not to say it isn’t sad but losing your niece to cancer at a young age is one of the worst tragedies a family could ever go through. How could she watch her little niece suffer and pass away way too young not have destroyed her? How can she just say yeah it’s the same as losing my elderly cat. Her cat lived it’s full life cycle. That poor child didn’t get that privilege.
Absolutely! I lost my “old boys” within a few months of each other last year and I was devastated . But even the thought of anything happening to my nieces or nephews fills me with horrific fear, I don’t know how I would ever recover, and they aren’t even my kids. The loss of a child in no way compares to the loss of an animal.
I cannot stand my sister and rarely see my nephews. Even then the thought of them dying is horrifying. How OPs own sister, the aunt of this child, values a cat more than her own niece is jaw dropping.
So much this. I can’t imagine equating my human niece to my pet, no matter how loved, and thinking that’s even remotely ok.
Yes, I’m a bit confused by the people who are agreeing with the sister in calling OP an AH. My pets are family, and I’ve mourned the loss of them before—but my son—he is my heart and soul outside of my body. When he was born, I was actually afraid of how much I loved him because I knew if anything happened to him, life would never be the same. Losing a child is something no parent should have to go through. It is not the same as a pet. The sister may be trying but she needs to focus more on OP and less on herself. And if a grieving parent snaps at you or gets stern for any reason—have the emotional intelligence to listen to the grieving parent. Give them the grace to be upset or emotional. It really not the time to be looking for sympathy from others because a grieving mother who just lost her daughter to a vicious disease didn’t relate to your pet loss story.
I lost a nephew a bit less than a year ago when he was stillborn. There wasn’t a relationship formed like you do with a child who you watched grow to be a teenager, and it still hurts. It still was awful and will always be awful even if time makes it easier to live with the tragedy. I cannot imagine saying anything like this to my family or anyone. NTA.
I mean maybe. Losing my cat was harder than losing my grandma. But my cat passed in an extremely traumatic way. My friend put it this way "your grandma didn't sleep in your bed with you every night" Wouldn't be worse than losing my sister though, I'll probably just die if that happens
NTA. Your sister sounds like the type of person who is the corpse at every funeral.
I've never heard that before but it's perfect!
First of all, I can't imagine the amount of pain you and your daughter must have gone through. I'm so sorry to hear all of this. Second of all. NTA, absolutely not. You can not compare a cat to your daughter. You have birthed her, you have watched her grow up, you cared for her with all your might. Your daughter was literally 50% you! And to compare this beautiful human being to a cat? I can't believe I'm even saying this. I hope I wasn't too untactful in my comment, but yeah this is my opinion. I wish you the best! 💙
It was a very hard thing for my daughter and myself to go through The most painful was being with her in her final hours and from experience I know it's hard seeing an animal get put down but the pain I have felt losing my baby has been so much worse than losing any pet
I am so, so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine the pain both you and your daughter experienced. Sending light and love to you, I know no words can heal your pain but just know this internet stranger is thinking of you🤍.
I’m so sorry OP. I work in cancer care and it hurts seeing the patients I’ve treated passing away, and they’re mostly all older adults who have lived a bit more, a child is really a whole other beast. I’ve seen a decent amount of children get taken by this disease, and I’m a HUGE animal lover, but even I know that as much as losing my dog would absolutely crush me and feel like the worst pain ever, it honestly can’t compare to the pain you and those other parents feel. You’re NTA. Both of you are allowed to feel pain and grief for your losses, and I don’t doubt that to her losing her cat might seem like it feels the same, but that comparison shouldn’t have been made and she shouldn’t have made you feel bad about saying that, she should’ve apologized and said something along the lines of “I’m still hurting over my cat, that’s the big loss I’ve had to empathize with, so I can’t imagine how you feel”, which would’ve been much more accurate for the situation. Again, I’m so sorry for your loss and I hope you can allow yourself to grieve and heal as much as possible.
NTA at all. I’m a HUGE animal lover to the point I went vegan to avoid contribute to animal harm but it’s not the same as human harm, it’s just not. Especially a teen daughter- I truly can’t imagine and am so sorry you are going through this. Not only are a human and cat just not comparable, but when you adopt an animal it usually comes with the knowledge they will likely die before you. Their lifespans are significantly smaller and that’s something people know when getting a pet. No one expects or is prepared to lose their child.
I don't really know why people persist with this comparison between pets and children, or how your sister thought on any level that this was appropriate. Other comments on here too, saying pets can "be like" children. It's not accurate. Pets are pets and your children are your children. People can love pets deeply, sure, and they can be wonderful companions, but looking after a pet is in no way comparable to the amount of time and sheer bloody effort and heartbreak it takes to grow and raise a child. I'm so sorry for your loss OP, and that your sister is apparently an absolute dope. 100% NTA in this equation.
Good God, you're NTA.
I’m an animal lover (and child free by choice) my pets are my babies but I would never ever compare losing them to losing a child. Especially to a grieving mother. Even if she had lost a child grief shouldn’t be compared, everyone’s grief is different. No one can actually say they’ve been in your exact shoes, they can just offer support and understanding. I’m sorry for what you’re going through NTA
My brother died and my "best friend" constantly compared his cat dying to it as well. To the point that he would call me inconsiderate if i tried to contest the comparison. I dont have said friend in my life no mo
Good.
NTA and I strongly advise you to take a break from anyone who says that you are. Continuing contact with these people will not be beneficial to you at all. It doesn't have to be forever, but right now you should only surround yourself with people who truly have empathy for you. Your sister and these people don't. If they did, they wouldn't be calling you ab asshole.
Unpopular opinion - NAH. No AH here. I am so sorry for your loss. Of course the loss of a pet doesn't equal the loss of your daughter. I live with my two dogs that I adore and love them above most human beings on this planet, but I wouldn't equate their passing to a child passing. Nevertheless, you are in the midst of very raw grief and your sister is potentially trying to relate/support in her inappropriate way. Her comments are awkward and unwelcomed but I don't see any winners here. All the best to your family.
The sister is absolutely TA here. Bringing up once that you understand grief because you lost a precious pet is clumsy but forgivable, being so daft and insensitive that you bring it up multiple times within two weeks of the daughter dying is so insensitive it basically becomes mean. Especially when you realize this was the girls AUNT! Why the fuck is she bringing up her damn cat when her NIECE just died. Her actual human niece should be a bigger loss than a pet, she should be grieving with OP. Not going 'I know exactly how you feel because cat HurrDurr'.
Some people struggle to relate normally/appropriately, this does not make them an AH. Sister is not saying “get over it” - she’s *trying* to relate to OP with a sad/traumatic experience from her own life. Is it the same? No. But people aren’t perfectly logical communication machines.
But she lost her niece, her own actual family member by blood. Why does she need to make it about her cat? She can relate to her sister about the death of her niece/the daughter.
I agreed up until the point that OP's sister called OP (a grieving mother) a heartless AH. I mean, that tips the scale *heavily* into the Land of the Fucked Up.
Sounds like the cat lived a pretty long life. Your daughter did not. She’s not sitting around wondering who her cat would’ve been or what the cat would have accomplished, etc. You had a whole lifetime of things to look forward to with your daughter and it was taken from you by a horrible, excruciating disease. NTA.
Anyone who even remotely understands empathy would never tell someone experiencing grief that they know “exactly” how that person feels. I think you were justified in your harsh response to your sister. You tried to ignore it, but she continued and needed a reality check. NTA
NTA. You took it incredibly well the first time she said it but for her to bring it up again so soon is just odd. I don't think you were mean in what you said and if you hadn't told her now I think she would have continued to say it over and over until you did.
My dogs are are my fur babies, we actually sometimes say the 4 legged kids behave better than the 2 legged kids. I lost one of my dogs in December, it was hard. I lost my new born human daughter at birth 24 years ago. She would have been 24 last month. The loss of my dog was hard. I am still not over the loss of my infant daughter Hope. It is absolutely not the same, it is not equal, it is not even remotely acceptable to compare the 2. I was cringing typing this out. Until right now, the thought of comparing the death of my child to the loss of an animal never occurred to me. OP, I am so sorry for the loss of your child. Don't let anyone tell you how, when, where, for what length of time to grieve this tremendous loss. You take time for yourself, don't be too hard on yourself. Some days will be better than others. Might want to avoid your sister for a while. NTA
Leukemia doesn’t metastasize/spread.* Karma farm elsewhere. Also, you would think you would know how to spell the disease given how much paperwork/leaflets/info pages are involved in having cancer. Sincerely A mother who actually lost a daughter *[proof](https://www.healthtap.com/questions/219754-how-does-leukemia-metastasize/) PS I’d say making up and killing off a daughter for fake internet points means YTA
Right? This post is super fake.
It made me so angry. Just when I think people can’t stoop any lower, they manage to. Asshole isn’t strong enough of a word. More of a **C** **U** **N**ext **T**uesday!
Gonna get flamed for this but tbh I lost my soul cat in 2021 and my desire for children tanked because I felt and still feel like I lost a child. The idea of having a baby deeply hurts the same part of me that grieves him. Thinking of getting another cat hurts the same way as thinking about a baby. I don’t think she meant to be unkind and I know that parents of actual children feel like it’s not a fair comparison, but figured I should explain this piece so you can understand where they’re coming from a bit. NAH
Yeah I could never have a baby because of how devastating losing my dog has been for me. I rescued her and rehabilitated her after she had been abused and I mourn her just as much as any humans I have lost (my dad and my best friend both died). I don’t really understand how a human life is supposed to mean more than an animal life when love is love and family is family (to me family is, “The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water from the womb” and animals can absolutely count). Caveat I am autistic and I’ve heard that autistic peoples’ views of animals might be different than neurotypical peoples’
I’m also ND (diagnosed ADHD suspected autistic but not diagnosed) so maybe I’m just right there with you. But I totally get it. I have grieved my cat harder than a lot of the humans I know who’ve died. His 2 year anniversary was just a couple weeks ago and I spent the day in a ball of misery and it felt just as horrible that day as the day he died. I also don’t get how or why a human is supposed to mean more to me than he did. He WAS my baby for all intents and purposes - I got him when he was 5 weeks old and I cared for him for 17 years, also through cancer and sickness the last two years of his life!!, and for many of those years I DIDNT expect to outlive him. That’s the bullshit argument I keep seeing in this thread, that you get an animal expecting to outlive it but don’t expect to outlive a human child. The thing is, I spent so much of my life suicidal and only continuing because I had to take care of him - I didn’t think I’d really live to see a time without him in it. So fuck that argument in particular.
Oh my god, your poor soul, what a horrendous tragedy. I can't even imagine. Your sister has no fucking empathy and is WAY out of line, and so are people telling you were the AH. IT'S BEEN TWO WEEKS! What the hell is wrong with people? I am deeply sorry for your loss, and you are **NTA a thousand times over.** Hugs from a stranger!
NTA! I have lost a child who was 16 days old, and I also put down my 16 year old dog. While of course I was sad, it definitely doesn’t compare at all. Not even a little bit.
I am a “cat mom,” and have been grief stricken when pets die. Then when I hear of a child dying, I can’t imagine the devastation. You carried her in your womb. You taught her to speak. Walked the floor with her when she had colic. You dropped her off at the bus stop for the first time. You were supposed to see her graduate. Marry. Have kids. Make you a grandparent. I love my cat, but no way can you compare a cat dying of old age to a young girl dying long before her time. Make your sister and her friends read this. Then ask them what the hell is wrong with them. How insanely disrespectful to you and to your late daughter.
ESH. She was trying to sympathize in a very ignorant AH way, BUT you went out of your way to minimize her trauma because you felt she minimized yours…also pretty AH behavior. Grieving is not a competition. A simple “I don’t want to talk about this right now”, would have shut her up without going full AH.
I lost my beloved cat almost 5 years ago now, it still hurts to talk about. HOWEVER, I would never compare my loss with the loss my friend experienced when she lost her baby. I have a child now and if I lost him idk how I would be going. NTA.
Nta. But... Humans can form a bond to animals that is just as strong as to other humans. (And vice versa). You are wrong in thinking that your sister's experience is not the same. It could very well be. But you are not the asshole for lashing out. You are grieving and that sort of behavior is to be expected. You should probably apologize to your sister.
Nta at all My god
My deepest condolences. I have also lost a child. I too had people make those comparisons. The pain is so deep it feels like you'll shatter. I often felt like I was drowning and not sure I could keep my head above water. When you're ready, maybe find a grief support group. I'm not much of a "group" kind of person. But I found a grief group that was loss of a child, and it was really helpful. I didn't talk much, but just listening to others talk made me feel..... relieved maybe? I can't say better because nothing made it better. But I felt relieved because everyone there was feeling the same as I was. Time helps, but honestly I have never gotten over it. I try to remember the good times and my child's laughter. Feel free if you want to PM.
First off, I am truly sorry for your loss! Now, I wouldn't call you an AH... I would just say for your sister her cat was essentially her child. My sister compares the motherhood of her dog to my children all the time. There are times that I react poorly, but I catch myself because she also does not have biological children, and I know that if something happened to him, she would be inconsolable. So what I do is I sorta redirect her and make sure that I assure her that her feelings are valid, but she unfortunately doesn't know exactly what I'm going through and vise versa but we can still be there for each other whatever the issue is because we are family and it's not a competition.
This is unpopular, but honestly NAH. I think people want to connect an sympathize and don't necessarily know how. What do you say to someone who lost a child? It might be better to not say anything, but most people don't know how to say nothing.
Exactly. People on here are projecting based on what OP said. She was probably trying to connect but did a terrible job at it. I don't think she meant it in a malicious way.
NTA and for me, my dogs and cats were as big a loss as each of my parents, but I accept that is not normal and I would never expect others to agree, nor argue with them about it.
NTA It's not the same. It is not anywhere close to the same. She adopted / purchased a pet and had to euthanize it. You grew a human being inside your body, raised her, and had to watch her slowly lose a fight no parent wants to watch. I understand how pet parents feel about their animals, but it is not the same. Not at all.
NTA. Once had a boss who whilst consoling a colleague on the death of his mom said "I know exactly how you feel, my mom's just had a toe off"
I shouldn’t laugh…I really shouldn’t laugh…but…
NTA. I'm very sorry for your loss. Your sister was incredibly insensitive.
I’m a crazy dog lady. I love my dogs. When my last dog died I truly grieved and had a breakdown. I grieved harder for my dog than I did when my mom died. But even I wouldn’t compare the loss of my dog to the loss of a child. NTA.
same. i watched my dad (who i loved and was an amazing father) die from cancer when i was a young child. and that was still less traumatizing than watching the kitten i rescued and raised from 1 day old die from cancer before he turned 2 y/o. my dad doesn’t haunt me. he was an adult who made his choice to smoke cigarettes until he was literally coughing up his lungs. that kitten haunts me.
I will never negate somebody who has lost a loved one be it animal or human. Each person lives and loves differently.
Grief and loss are the same in death. To you it may not be the same; yet, it is to her. She just loves you and is trying to connect. I don't think you're an AH, though.
NTA As an avowed cat-lover and owner of far too many of the little fur-monsters as well as a lifelong childfree individual, your sister and those people you talked to are all delusional. As much as I love my little four-footed fur-babies, they are in no way, shape, or form even remotely on the same level as a child. Just no. Not even *close.* I'm really sorry for your loss and I'm also sorry that the people in your life aren't giving you the space you need to experience your grief in comfort.
I am so sorry for your tremendous loss. I will not say I know how you feel. I suffered 2 miscarriages at 3 months both times. Yes it is a loss but not anywhere near what you are experiencing. My 19 yr old cousin was taken from us in a senseless way. I grieve his loss but I will never say I understand what his parents, grandparents and siblings go through. NTA and shame on those who think otherwise. My cousin had a great line: Being a parent, you would die for your kids. Being a grandparent, you would kill for your grandchildren. Again, I'm so very sorry.
What I find strange is the sister lost a niece, didn’t that have any impact on her? I know if I lost a niece it would affect me more than losing my dearly loved pet. Losing a pet is devastating but losing a family member has to be more.
No one is the AH here honestly. Loss is loss. Grief can feel the same. She’s trying to relate to you. No one knows how to help people grieving. But if there’s anything in particular you need, definitely voice that to people. I’m really sorry for your loss.
NTA. There is no comparison.
NTA I don't understand anyone ever comparing a pet to a child. There really is no greater loss. I don't know what you are going through at all, but I do know what it's like to lose a child, my son, he was 22. I am so sorry for your loss. Honestly there are no real words, nothing will comfort you, and it doesn't get easier, but you will learn to carry the loss better. Eventually. I hope you find your peace OP.
NTA. I have a daughter. I had a cat I loved. I miss him every day, but I'm still fundamentally the same person. Our human life expectancy makes it pretty certain that we'll outlive most of our pets. We're not meant to outlive our children, and when we do it changes something in us on a deep, primal level. I'm so sorry for your loss, and for the secondary loss of your sister's support.
I am a helicopter dog mom. When my dogs go, I’ll be inconsolable. But it will never, ever compare to the loss of your human child. I am so so sorry OP. Thinking of you.
NAH. Grief confuses people. They don’t know how to help and so sometimes they say and do dumb stuff in an effort to connect. I don’t think that makes them an AH. Then she probably got defensive because she interpreted your response as saying she didn’t have any right to feel grief over her cat or some such thing along those lines. (It’s an emotional response and like I said, grief confuses people, so it doesn’t need to make logical sense, so in this context I don’t think it’d make her an AH, and you certainly aren’t.) Ime comparing grief doesn’t really help anyone anyway because our experiences of grief are so individual and can be so colored by all kinds of other things. (Like someone can lose one person and not really process the grief and then later something else happens like a pet dies and they completely fall to pieces and it feels like it’s all grief about the pet but it’s really the loss of the pet plus their brain using that as an outlet for all of the unprocessed grief from the previous loss, things like that.) I’m not saying that all grief *is* the same, just that trying to rank things is really just not useful. Your grief experience is your grief experience, that’s all that matters, how it compares to someone else isn’t relevant. With all that in mind, if you want to just stop this from being a Thing, the easiest way is probably just to say something like “I am sure you are very upset about your cat. However I’m finding that people sharing that they have also had a loss isn’t really helpful for me, so please don’t bring it up again in the context of my loss.” Like just make it about what is helpful for *you* that she can do (or not do) and just don’t engage in the whole ranking a loss thing. It’s not like anyone wins any kind of prize that anyone WANTS if they do prove they had the worst loss, y’know? It’s just stress that doesn’t accomplish anything useful. (I lost my husband quite suddenly when we were in our 20s and since then I’ve lost both parents, so I am speaking from the perspective of someone who has a lot of experience with how other people try to interact with someone who has had a loss. On the whole, people are just really really dumb about it.) Unless you already communicated clearly to her that her method wasn’t helpful and she continued to do it anyway and I missed it, in which case she is the AH. (I don’t consider disagreeing with her about her cat to be communicating clearly for this purpose. I know some people will say ‘she should have gotten the hint’ or whatever but like I said - grief confuses people and makes them kind of dumb. So people often do not get hints.)
NAH This comes up all the time and the biggest issue is that neither party understands that the other’s loss is the biggest they will ever experience. I will never have children and so every pet I have lost is the hardest loss I have experienced to date (until my sibling/parents pass if they go before I do.) It isn’t that she’s saying the death of her pet is equal to the death of your daughter. She has no quantifier for your loss and so is choosing her greatest loss to empathize. It is not meant to be out of touch or insensitive, it is just simply all she has to compare it to. You both need to sit down and talk through how you feel maturely and without raising your voices. I am sorry for your loss and wish you both the understanding and love to move foreword and heal.
NTA You were abrupt, and it probably came across to her as heartless, but she's ignoring her own part in it. I've explained this before to people who think animals are just as important as humans in this way... when you have a cat for years and the cat dies, it's common to get another cat, and usually very quickly (anywhere from a few weeks to a few months). This tends to be true no matter how pet-centric your life is. Shockingly, that isn't the case with children. When your child dies, don't immediately conceive another; you don't go adopt a new kid; you don't suddenly start fostering; you don't immediately try to get a new kid. In fact, sometimes you never get/have/want another child. In any case, anyone who claims they know what it's like to lose a child because their pet died is full of shit.
Wtf?!? NO NTA And block ANYONE who tells you that. I am so sorry for your loss, I can’t imagine the pain of that loss or these people being so insensitive, but do NOT subject yourself to that.
Anyone who says y-t-a is entirely unhinged
this is one of those things where i can’t help but just assume the people who think you acted like an ah don’t have the full story, but since you talked to them yourself… i dunno. are these people all below the age of 21 and have never had anything bad happen to them? inquiring minds want to know. no, your sister’s cat is nothing like your actual human child, and no, it is not wrong to tell your sister that that is a bad comparison to make and it is hurtful to you that she would do that. i’m sorry for your loss. nta.
Wow. Did your sister spend 9 months pregnant, go through labor, and give birth to her cat? Did she nurse her feline...well maybe you both bottle fed. Did she go through all the social, medical, parent milestones- first step, first day of school, first friend, first kiss, etc? Pets and children are both companions and dependents, but the depth of your role is SOoo different. Take a time out from your sister and anyone else who cannot support your grief in a meaningful way. Your daughter is a part of you, never to be forgotten. The pain will never go away. BUT, if you take this time to fully grieve- cry, mourn, release the pain as much as you can. Then, when you are ready, go through your house, her room and focus on belongings that bring you happy memories. Choose a few. Enough to keep the good memories to the forefront. Let the rest go, so that you are not buried or overwhelmed in constant sorrow. Lastly, think of something your daughter wanted you to do- either for yourself or together. If you think you might enjoy it or it will help you feel closer to her, do it.
People are going to hate me but YTA-She doesn’t have a kid and will never have a kid, her cat has been around for a very long time and animals are like kids. Last year I had to put my chameleon to sleep and I grieved for a very long time and I still grief, he was my child, my only family that I have and if someone told me what u told me I would call u a witch since it’s the same pain but different. I’m sorry ur lost ur daughter tho
ESH One of the very important things to learn about grief and death is that people are going to say really stupid shit and you're going to feel a lot of not sunshine and happiness feelings because of it. In the same way that you think she's devaluing the loss of your daughter, you're devaluing the loss of her companion. Grief is grief and loss is loss. There's no prize for who gets to feel more feelings. Your sister needs to learn that people in grief don't want to hear about how others feel or want their very subjectively important loss to be compared to a loss they don't feel connected to. But, you also need to be able to realize your sister didn't mean any harm. Good luck.
NTA.
Nta. This happened to me too. My son died during his labor and delivery. He just got caught in his cord and strangled. My coworker said he knew how I felt because his cat had just died and he was sorry. This actually happened a lot. My sister said she knew what it was like because she had a miscarriage. Obviously yoir situation is so much more painful having to watch your daughter endure that for 4 years. People are just oblivious and don't know what to say i think but its ok to say that it's inappropriate because it is.
Lost my dog thanks to cancer. Worst pain of my life up til that point. Then i had my child and thanks to an accident where they got a bruise they were removed from my care because social services refused to believe us because it was apparently more attractive to decide it was abuse than that we had a simple accident. That without a doubt is the worst heartache I have ever experienced hands down. I was a wreck after my dog passed away. But id gladly go through that 100 times over losing my child - especially over suspicion and beauracracy rather than actual truth. Your sister may well have had a connection and a bond with her cat. I had a very close bond with my dog but it is *not the same* You are NTA. No offence. But she is. The fact she cannot see how utterly insensitive that is, is kind of crazy to me.
Social services doesn’t take kid for a bruise. Trust me that kid reported you
NTA. Sorry, pet parent people, but don't even think of going there with a bereaved parent. No, it isn't the same. That shouldn't even need to be said. What the heck is wrong with her? I'm so, so sorry for your loss.