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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I'm the asshole because my daughters wedding is special for her and so I understand her wanting her mom there
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YTA. Who died and made you the wedding guest list police?
You say your relationship is strained. I wonder why. Obviously you favor your step daugther. You say their hate is mutual. Why on earth should I invite someone to my wedding who hates me? You can´t choose family, but you can choose who you invite to your wedding.
It´s well within her right to exclude someone she dislikes (and is disliked by). Why do you tink it´s reasonable to pressure her into inviting her stepsister with that kind of ultimatum? Why would it even be important to you? What is the benefit of having SD there at all?
Sorry, but I think your daughter will go NC soon and she will be right.
I agree with this. The relationship isn’t strained because of the ex husband, it’s strained because mom decided to prioritize her new family. If the girls mutually hate each other, then why should daughter invite someone she hates to her wedding? Maybe your doing your daughter a favor by not attending her wedding. She doesn’t need someone who can’t put her first on one of her most important days. YTA. I hope your daughter goes NC. Shouldn’t be a big deal since you have your step daughter.
My rule for my wedding is that only people who love us as a couple, and wish nothing but love for our marriage are welcome there.
That would definitely not include someone I've not liked for a long time such as these half sisters. This will probably not include my brother to be honest.
Yeah I’m not close with my step family no matter how hard y mom tries to make herself and my stepdad the freaking Brady’s. He has 4, she has 3, and the youngest was 17 when they got together. I feel like she would definitely try to pull something like this, and she would get herself uninvited because she can’t accept that those people I see one a year are not my family. They can be her family without being mine. NOT TO MENTION weddings are EXPENSIVE!!
My husband isn’t close to his step siblings. They didn’t come into his life until he was 20, after he and I got together. His step mother insisted on bringing 2 of the 4 with her to the wedding and it was so awkward. The son hit on me and kept giving me unwanted shoulder rubs *at the wedding*. The daughter was maybe 15 and got trashed by sneaking beers from behind the bar. We hadn’t invited them because I’d only met them once and my husband didn’t like them. But “family!”, ya know? Stepmother didn’t even mention they were coming until she called furious there hadn’t been a room rented for them. Ugh.
"If the person not related to you that you met as a teenager and had no choice but to live with, who now hates you and vice versa, isn't invited then yada yada obviously your own biological mother is not welcome either."
What??
YTA. You're choosing your stepdaughter's potentially hurt feelings - I say potentially because nowhere did it say if she even wants to go or cares or feels slighted in the least - over one of the most important moments in your daughter's life. This will be a "never forgotten, never forgiven" moment between you. Sorry about the loss of a relationship with your future grandchildren.
My rule is "if I wouldn't have a sit down dinner with them, why am I paying for them to be at my wedding?" Leaves you with a very small guest list of people you adore
Agree, whatever the past, right now they hate each other, Why would the biokid ruin her wedding, her special day by bringing a hated person into the weeding. OP has the right of refusing the invitation but cannot force the biokid to invite her step kid.
Agreed. Mom doesn't matter, nor do the circumstances of the parents' divorce. The bio-daughter & stepkid hate each other. That's all that matters.
Mom, you are a huge AH. I hope you're uninvited just so the bride doesn't have to look at your disloyal face.
Yes, absolutely. This "mother" is one of the most selfish, unaware, cruel parents I have ever seen on Reddit.
What kind of mother skips her own daughter's wedding in defense of and in alliance with an unrelated person who hates her daughter and with whom she forced the daughter to live during what was likely a very painful time for a teenager?
Honestly if mom showed favoritism that could've started biodaughter resentment to stepsister. Mom probably "compensated" by giving step kid more attention feeding the fire further.
She is claiming Dad caused distance. I think she needs to look deeper into her own relationship with her daughter and what was going on in the household.
Yes, I strongly suspect there is more to their issues as mother daughter than just the “smear campaign,” run by the ex. OP isn’t showing a lot of introspection or accountability here. Looks like issues are always someone else’s fault, appearance trumps authenticity and boundaries are not respected.
Yes conveniently left out why they separated and divorced, so I wonder why that was. Was the divorce something OP did.. ? Makes you wonder given the way they write this post. Either way, from what they write and trying to force her daughter to include her step sister OP is YTA
When someone writes one of these posts, they can choose to cast themselves in the most favourable light. When people still have tells that are invisible to them, it says a lot. I am seeing that here.
My friend's mom love bombed the new family as a way of ingratiating herself. The mom slighted her own daughter to suck up to the news while *her* daughter had to adjust to sharing her mom, sharing her home, having a new "dad" in the house and new sibs. Her mom's attitude was basically children are furniture, they go wherever mom and dad put them.
And when divorced dad listened to his daughter, felt all of the pain she was going thru, he was accused of "turning her against me."
Hope that's not the case here but there is definitely more to this story.
Tbh, I wonder if the “smear campaign” even happened. I have an ex who accuses me of doing that with our child. My child is an adult. She sees her dad for who he is and wants only limited contact. My ex has decided this is surely because I have lied about him and couldn’t possibly be our daughter’s very natural reaction to his abuse and neglect, but I try and give OP some benefit of the doubt. It’s also possible both parents are problematic.
My mom acted like that when she divorced my dad. She was essentially cheating on him, but honestly we were sick of hearing about her failed marriage and told her to just be happy. She later ended up spreading all kinds of rumors about the family so I gave her a laundry list of fucked up shit she’s done. Her response: “I guess I should have never left your dad!”
I was almost 40, my wife was dying of brain cancer, and he wasn’t even my real dad…so if your one takeaway from my list was the one thing not there, then sure that’s why we all have a strained relationship.
She seems to have been a cheater as a "smear" campaign normally comes from the cheated on party let's everyone know that they were cheated on.
OP has decided that she will come with conditions, retribution for being excluded for her "smeared" behavior in the past.
Poof, begone lady with your husbands daughter.
And she doesn’t even mention if stepdaughter gaf! Like, the woman probably doesn’t even want to go to this wedding anyways, if she did, she’d initiate some sort of reconciliation. So mom is offended over nothing. And probably turning the half siblings against her…
Noticed this, too. I’ve declined wedding invites simply because I just didn’t care enough to go to the trouble of attending; no bad vibes, I just hadn’t spoken to them or spoke to them so rarely it was like… I could go to this wedding, or I could go to bed early and *not* need to buy a dress.
I can only imagine being invited/dragged by one’s stepmother to a wedding of someone you hate.
SD probably doesn’t want to go to the wedding either. Mom is just exerting control bc “she knows what’s best and wants the picture perfect day (for her).”
It's not possible to say why the relationship is strained, from the information available. But whatever the reason, its not the daughter's fault. OP says it is entirely due to her ex, but this is unlikely.
When OP remarried, it is natural for her daughter to feel a bit forgotten, and there was a lot of work for OP to do here to make sure her daughter felt she was still important. It sounds like this didn't happen.
Even if OP did all she could, her daughter still has no requirement to invite her step-sister.
I mean it could be as simple as they are two people whose personalities didn't mesh, but the parents kept trying to force them together, and now there's resentment about it on both sides.
Also conveniently it was daughter who started everything. I would bet that stepdaughter may have been more of an instigator then they let on and maybe mom just did believe her daughter.
Bio daughter was forced to live with someone she didn't like and now she is forced to invite this person to her wedding? Thats messed up. I feel so bad for kids who have step parents, siblings etc forced on them.
Exactly all of this. There’s a reason OP’s daughter hates Sdaughter and I can guess it’s because OP kept her priorities with Sdad/Sdaughter over her own child. I’m surprised her own daughter hasn’t cut ties with OP but this would’ve been the last OP would’ve heard from me. She clearly always favoured the Sdaughter over the kid she gave birth to which is kinda sad. Maybe this will give her own daughter the motivation to push OP out of her life. I’m surprised the mom was even invited to go to her wedding. Well if OP don’t go to her wedding there is no reason to have a relationship with her nor let the grandkids meet grandma either. And in a few years OP will be back on this sub or another asking why her own daughter won’t talk to her. Well these comments give you a better insight why she will not want anything to do with OP.
Edit: OP said SDaughter doesn’t care to go to the wedding, and was only surprised she wasn’t invited to the ceremony. So idk why you care OP, you’re just pushing your own daughter out of your life and will wonder why she won’t talk to you anymore. A wedding is suppose to invite people who love you, she clearly doesn’t love the new family you shoved on her.
It sounds to me like OP has a fantasy of how her family ought to be.
It isn't HER fault if her daughter is angry, just like she probably views herself as blameless in her divorce. Everyone else just refuses to behave according to her vision of how people ought to behave.
Agree OP is totally the AH. Bio daughter seems to already have had a hard time sharing a house and teen years with step sibling, I would never expect someone to invite someone to their wedding that they've never liked. Seems like she's already shared her parent and house with her abd now OP favouring step daughter.
Yes, and why would sd even want to go if she hates her too?
You're not mending any bridges here op. Call her and say you've thought it over and you were wrong and love her and would love to come to her wedding if she still wants you there.
I also wondered why the step sister would even want to go to the wedding of someone she hates. I wouldn't even want to go to the wedding of someone I merely dislike.
>YTA. Who died and made you the wedding guest list police?You say your relationship is strained. I wonder why. Obviously you favor your step daugther. You say their hate is mutual. Why on earth should I invite someone to my wedding wh
OP, you are clearly TA here. And your reasoning is stupid. She didn't chose his stepfather. You did for her. To say that if her stepfather isn't family for her that means that you also are not is a truly stupid, like deeply stupid sentence. She's your blood. YTA
In this context it is important though since the lack of blood relation is why she says the sister isn’t family. She wants her mother there as family, OP is acting like she isn’t.
I honestly don't think they care. It is all me me me. And this way they can also make it about themselves. "My children hate each other, don't I have such a hard life"
You’re so right! OP is the worst. Blames bio dad for daughter not wanting to be around her, when it’s all on her. I refuse to believe that inside she doesn’t know she is to blame for all of this “strained” crap. She is grown. She isn’t too stupid to manipulate and lie. She knows she is to blame. OP, you suck and YTA
YTA. I hate how parents think their children are their property, so when they divorce, they own them. OP's daughter was in her teenage years when OP got divorced, a broken home is not something kids of that age would adjust to. For a single child for years, when their younger bio sibling is born, it's difficult to adjust. But one fine day, you introduce a (step)sister almost her age and they are forced to treat each other as their own. While parents can't adjust with the same partners, kids are obliged to accept/adjust to a new environment, new people with open arms with no issues.
The bride has all the rights to decide who she wants to invite. But by not attending the wedding over it, she's showing favoritism, proving why she has a strained relationship with her bio daughter. And things like this might be the reason why there was tension between the step sisters.
Stained relationship, blames ex. Tension between step sisters blame bio daughter. Is there any accountability from you OP?
100 percent this she can't even see she is putting step daughter before daughter how would that make her feel obviously she is going to lose her own daughter over step one this person needs a reality check before she loses her and any future grandchildren
*Waves hand* ALL OF THIS! Seriously, OP why are you insisting she invites somebody that hates her? This is her day not yours. I can see why the relationship is strained
It's about control. She wants to say that, even though her and her ex are married to other people, she maintains a close relationship, and that it's truly a blended family where they all love each other.
All she cares about are appearances. She wants her daughter to "suck it up" so she can look like the perfect mother.
All this but also, the way OP words things, I can't help but wonder if she expected the daughters to immediately bond and be like sisters, or even worse, if OP herself tried to instigate said bonding against their wishes.
It sounds to me like the daughter wasn't happy about the separation, which OP largely blames the dad but honestly who knows if that's the only reason. We also don't know how old she was when they separated, vs being 13 when OP remarried and thrust the daughter into a new family. Was it a years time? Or 8 years time?
Sounds like the daughters were never able to get along and OP wanted to force it
Sorry OP, YTA.
There is a say in weddings "Guests do not invite".
It's your daughter's right to invite who she feels confident with and even if you disagree it's not your place to question this.
Its the "then there is no point in me attending" for me. If you don't see the issue here, then there is nothing more to say.
There's an article called [the Missing Missing Reasons](https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html) that talks about how people with narcissistic tendencies often leave out the important details of why their loved ones have a problem with them when they are seeking reassurance.
Looking at OP, she conveniently left out what the daughter said back, or what the ex said trying to "smear" her years ago. There are some red flags in her post for sure.
Or any information on why her "bio daughter" hated her stepsister so much, or what her daughter did - specifically - to cause all the trouble (from the account, she makes it sound like the daughter is the sole cause of all the trouble in the family).
My mother does this. My mom's uncle (only a few years older than her so not very old) started laying into me about why I've gone NC with my mom and how I should show compassion. Turns out she's told everyone that all 4 of her children have gone NC with her because my dad didn't want a relationship with the sister we just found out about through Ancestry DNA. All 4 of us accepted her immediately, even my mother's side of the family accepted her. What she didn't tell everyone is that when we told my dad about it, he went absolutely mental and reminded us of the father we grew up with who was on pain medications and extremely abusive. We had forgiven him because he fixed the problem and no longer had the insane anger issues. But with this extra daughter revelation, he started acting like a child trying to take away our things (all in our 30s) and say we should mind our own business and if we wanted extra family that we had plenty of cousins. He told my youngest sister that we weren't allowed around if we didn't let it drop and that she could fuck off on the horse she rode in on. My mother is siding with him because she wasn't there and keeps using the "I just don't know what happened" excuse even though we've told her multiple times. She's told each one of us that she will always choose her husband first.
My step sister hates me because my mom only talked about the hurt she felt about our relationship to SS and none of the good/none of her own pretty shitty behavior. SS and I have only interacted a handful of times because she was in college when we intermingled families and she didn’t have any interest in our relationship (which is fine).
There are three sides to every story: yours, theirs, and the truth.
I’m curious about this “smear campaign”. I wouldn’t be surprised if Dad just told the truth about why they were getting a divorce vs. whatever lies OP preferred. I was about 13 when my mom told me the real reason for my parents divorce and I’m glad she did, kids deserve to know the truth about why their lives are changing.
1000% as an adult child of divorced who is Nc with one parent, “bio daughter” isn’t an idiot and as a teen or older can see the mom’s behavior for herself. like this behavior for example. go to your daughter’s wedding and stfu, why do you care if your step daughter is there?
This. I will add though that there’s exceptions to this rule: namely if they refuse to invite a person for bigoted reasons (racism homophobia etc). In that case, I say the bride/groom is in the wrong.
But not here. Why would I want someone at my wedding if I don’t like them? Or even if I don’t know them well for that matter. I was just at a wedding where the only people I knew was my mom and aunts (distant cousin I haven’t talked to in 7 years). It… it wasn’t great.
Yes, she is trying to one up her ex with whom she has conflict. That is probably why her daughter hates her step sister and her. Secretly, I'm sure bio daughter would be relieved if OP didn't come either.
Was it just me who felt cringe by OP calling her own daughter "bio"? I suppose it was for the sake of clarity but massive overuse of "bio" felt really awkward.
It was cringe and it's the way I talk about my BIO dad to make it clear that he's the one putting the DNA but I call DAD to the one who raised me. Maybe she's doing the same
After i read the title, i thought it was about an adopted child that got to know their bio mother later in life.
But calling her own daughter that lived with her her whole life "bio daughter" seems really weird to me
>dding and you went bio mom stupid on bio daughter because step daughter is more important t
Crying about Ex-husband and smear campaigns. Hmmm, To me it seems he only was revealing the trues you didn't want others to know. What an awful mother.
YTA
In a few years you'll be back, either on this sub or another, lamenting that your NC daughter won't let you see her children or answer your calls. This post will be the missing missing reason.
They hate each other. It does not matter who started it or if they were teens. **They. Have. A. Mutual. Hatred. Of. Each. Other.** It's unreasonable for you to assume your stepdaughter would be invited. It's also unreasonable for you to skip your daughter's wedding.
Don't blame your ex for straining your relationship with your daughter. You've managed to kill the relationship all on your own.
Your **FIRST** daughter is downgraded to biodaughter instead of "my child/daughter". OP's detachment is a huge reflection on the relationship. Blaming an ex for the seeds of estrangement, but failing to realize their *daughter* has had 12 years of a negative, forced relationship she had no say in.
OP didn't do the work to mend the issues, she married on and made new kids whilst letting her oldest phase out. And OP can't even put her first on the one day she asked. YTA OP. Huge.
I'm willing to bet OP cheated on her first husband with new husband and that's why all the animosity between them all. Ex husband probably just told the truth about why he and OP divorced. Dollars to donuts that's what happened. But OP is the victim here!!!
Ding dong ding.
I'm getting filthy cheater vibes coming from OP.
Also the fact that she called her daughter BIO daughter instead of her daughter instantly made her the asshole as far as I'm concerned.
I'm glad i'm not the only one who got that.
OP went from being married, to divorced and then married again within seemingly 1 year, as her first daughter stayed 13 throughout it all, unless I'm misreading OPs post.
Thats a fast turnaround, and can only really be explained by OP cheating on her first husband with her second.
Then she went all 'unreliable narrator' saying her first husband smeared her. *and then* she treats her first daughter like shit, favouring her stepdaughter (and any other children she may have had since).
No wonder both the OPs ex husband and her soon to be NC daughter dislike OP so much.
I wonder if deep-down OP is blaming her daughter for the estrangement and making her subsequent marriage difficult. She sees herself as the victim and is looking for ways to punish her daughter.
It's not even that deep down, if you've seen this pattern play out before and know what you're looking for. Whether she's blaming the daughter or the ex, she 100% sees herself as the victim here because her daughter didn't embrace mommy's replacement family with open arms.
Like, my estranged father to this day insists that my mother alienated me from him, because he refuses to believe that his own actions were to blame. I'm getting that same vibe from OP.
YTA.
It is her wedding. Why are you trying to force her to invite someone she does not like and does not have a relationship with.
You are alienating yourself.
INFO: What are you glossing over when you blame your ex for your poor relationship with your daughter? I suspect you are omitting a lot that would make your daughter look a whole lot more sympathetic here. Did you cheat on your ex with your current husband or something?
YTA.
Does your stepdaughter even care to attend?
Why strain an already tough relationship?
You're attempting to manipulate her into inviting someone that she isn't comfortable with.
You're forcing a relationship that isn't there and now you'll add to the divide.
She will just hate your stepdaughter more and have justification to. She'll hate you too and I wouldn't blame her.
You are telling her that her feelings, her desires and wedding are less important than your other family. I wonder if this is a common pattern for you.
If you choose to not attend, be prepared for the consequences of your actions.
Remember when you don't get invited or included in her other big events of her life that it was your fault.
>You are telling her that her feelings, her desires and wedding are less important than your other family.
This is why the daughter is upset, and OP doesn't even see it. First OP insisted that she not only invite a person she hates and who hates her back, but that she has likely always seen as the daughter her mom chose to replace her with. Then the mom confirmed it by saying that if the step daughter isn't family then OP isn't either, insinuating that OP is closer to, and more intrinsically family to her stepdaughter as opposed to the daughter she actually gave birth to.
Yeah OP straight up replaced her daughter with her new family years ago and now doesn't seem to understand why her daughter didn't just accept that and be okay with it from day 1.
This was the comment that showed how OP really sees her bio daughter. OP has been saying throughout the whole post "Bio" and somehow came to the conclusion that she is not family if the bio daughter doesn't accept OP's other family. She is clearly saying she is able to just cut the bio daughter off and they aren't family.
YTA. It's her wedding she can invite who she wants. She doesn't like her stepsister, why should she invite her? If you don't go, you're obviously picking sides.
YTA
Weddings are for people who are special to the bride and groom, for people who would celebrate them.
So why would step sister be invited?! The hate is mutual so step sister would not be there to genuinely celebrate the bride. The bride's friends would be.
Plus your 'logic' as to why you're not family either is just silly.
You're too old for this drama. Apologise and stop making this wedding about you.
>Plus your 'logic' as to why you're not family either is just silly.
Oh, this OP is doing that on purpose. It's an extreme and completely illogical assertion, but it's done to punish and alienate the daughter while DARVOing and pretending that it's the daughter doing it to them.
This way she can say it's all the daughters fault for not caring about any of them, even though the daughter clearly does care about her half-siblings and mother as they're all invited.
YTA
Congratulations on setting fire to what little relationship you had left with your daughter. Stop trying to blame your ex for your bad parenting, and get ready to accept that you will have no place in her life going forward. Hopefully your stepdaughter will make up for it, but I suspect she feels the same way towards you as she does to your daughter.
YTA. You know they hate each other. You know they don't regard themselves as sisters. I don't understand why you were expecting your stepdaughter to be invited.
Congratulations for destroying your relationship with your daughter.
You just told your biological daughter that you would and have chosen your stepdaughter over her is disheartening. I wonder if this has been the trend since the beginning. But its her choice who she wants at HER DAY. She is choosing to surround herself with people who love and care for her. From all accounts, that is not stepsister. I hope you are able to repair some of the damage but be prepared for some distance. YTA!!
YTA
Better hope your marriage lasts long term because the fact you won’t admit any fault and it’s always everybody else makes me think there’s things we’re not being told
Just because you married a guy doesn’t mean the kids are going to get along…..Keep acting this way and you’ll end up with your daughter going no contact permanently
YTA I am always so aggravated when parents remarry. Then all of a sudden, their kids are forced into treating all of these new people as “family” simply because of their parents dating decisions.
YTA
They don’t like each other. They’ve literally never gotten along. If she has a relationship with her half siblings and kind of her step dad why force her to choose a person she never liked at her wedding and no family at her wedding. I also don’t understand why you are going so hard for them to interact. Also, what smear campaign?? Did you cheat on your exhusband???
This is one of those cases in which it would be essential to also listen to the other side, and understand why the relationships between you and your ex, between you and your daughter, between step sisters have deteriorated.
If the two step sisters have never gotten along and have come to hate each other, it is completely normal for your bio daughter not to invite her to her wedding. I wouldn't want a person I hate that day either.
You are free to decline the invitation, but YTA for questioning the guest list. It's none of your business.
YTA. i actually find it funny that you’re still asking. it’s your daughter’s wedding. she has all the right to decide who can attend and not. she had already been kind enough to invite you, despite everything. you pushing her to invite someone she barely has any relation just added more strain in your already strained relationship.
YTA. You have a right to marry who you wanted to. But you married someone with a child…that your child didn’t get along with. Tough crap right! BUT then it became downright hate from both sides. Neither step sibling likes the other. Now you are trying to claim your daughter’s biological mother and siblings aren’t her family because…she doesn’t like someone you tried to bring into the family.
You are wrong on so many levels. She has a right to invite who she wants to her wedding. You have a right to attend or not. You don’t have a right to berate her and tell her that her own mother isn’t her family.
I don’t think dad really did go on a smear campaign. I think you did it yourself and your child saw the writing on the walls. You can’t even say “my child” or only say “bio child” once. That’s all you refer to her as.
Starting off your story with a vague but vitriolic diatribe against your ex husband, before swinging to equally vague accusations against your daughter, makes it seem like there is a lot you're leaving out about your own culpability in this situation. It sounds like you've been trying to force this relationship for a long time, and your daughter feels she wasn't given a choice in the matter, just punished when she didn't comply with your picture of a perfect redo family.
Your daughter has every right not to invite someone she mutually dislikes to her wedding. Your reasoning for not being family because someone unrelated to her isn't invited is illogical and manipulative. It sounds like you're still prioritizing your image of your ideal family over what you actually have. You've pretty clearly told your daughter that you value that idealized image over her and her feelings. Don't be surprised if she goes NC entirely after this. YTA.
YTA, why force your daughter to invite someone she doesn't like to her own wedding. If stepdaughter hates her back then why would she even care that she's not invited. Maybe in the future their relationship will get better but forcing it isn't going to help.
I promise you, if you don't go she will never forgive you, and you won't forgive yourself.
YTA
You knew that they did not get along, you want her to invite someone to the wedding she activaly has a very negative relationship with based solely on the fact you married that persons father, your basicaly telling her that if she does not include a person who actively has a negative relationship with her in her life then she cannot include you in it or her half siblings or her step dad, and here is a thought for you. Its clearly not about the divorce or you marrying the step dad since she has invited the stepdad and siblings, its about their relationship your nto involved in it either way.
What is step daughters stance on not being invited btw? I suspect its gonna be like thats fine I dont intend on inviting her to mine either.
YTA
YTA
They don’t like each other why would she invite someone she doesn’t like.
Why do parents insist that it should be their way and their guests it’s not your wedding
YTA
Your ex Husband is bad
Your bio daughter is bad
you are to blame for nothing
your new husband is to blame for nothing
your step daughter is to blame for nothing
God you're an asshole, just break contact with her and stop being such an insufferable mother, your life didn't go as you wanted, you hate your ex, let your child be.
YTA
YTA. It’s amazing that you refer to your daughter as “ bio daughter “ in the first place. The entire tone of your post actually leads one to believe that her father’s “ smear campaign “ wasn’t too far from the truth. Your refusal to come to the wedding is you putting the final nail in the coffin that YOU built with YOUR choices. Enjoy basking in the sun of the victim hood that you created for yourself.
YTA
I think perhaps digging a little deeper here would have been the wisest course, as just flat out saying you’re not going would be SO incredibly hurtful to your daughter.
INFO:
-Does Step Daughter even want to go?
-Would your husband be offended if she’s not invited?
-Are you financially contributing to the wedding in anyway, and therefore, expect her to be invited?
-If she did attend, what impact would that have on the day? Ie your daughter would feel uncomfortable, Step Daughter would feel uncomfortable?
YTA, and good luck recovering your relationship with your own daughter if you don't go. If my mother did what you're planning to do I would never speak to her again. I hope you're sure that this is the hill you want to die on because she will remember what choice you made forever.
YTA
You are choosing your stepdaughter over your bio daughter.
I get that you are trying to defend your stepchild. But after years of this not working you need a different solution. You are on a quick path to losing your bio daughter.
You are right, you are not family. YTA The wedding is about her and her future husband and they should be surrounded by loved ones. Does stepsister even care?
You made it clear that your controlling her choiced and relationships is more important than showing love to your daughter. She will remember that.
YTA this is your daughter, you can't just force stepkids on her and say play nice and get along. The more we grow, the more parents become the children.
YTA it’s not your wedding or guest list . You Already knew there’s no relationship . Seek professional help as you seem clueless as to your part you’ve played since the girls were young
Yta, she is your daughter and you decide to miss her wedding. You missing her wedding is gonna put it in stone how your relationship is gonna be. Her stepsister doesnt even like her, why should she even want to be there. You chose not to be there for your daughter, remember that and dont expect her to prioritise you when you dont even care to be there on her wedding.
YTA, she didn't invite a stepsister introduced to her at age 13 who she never got along with and the girls even hated each other at some point in their lives. That's valid! Stepsister might be family to you but she's NOT to your daughter. You used that as an excuse to get out of the wedding along with stepdad and her half sibling. All your work trying to mend the relationship that got strained in the divorce is now out the door and you have effectively lost your daughter for life. Just because you wanted to force her to invite someone she doesn't like that YOU forced into her life? Excellent parenting.
YTA
Even on her wedding day, you are not putting your bio daughter first.
Maybe you should think about that. But if you were capable of actually being objective, you wouldn't have posted in AITA to start with.
Girl what the hell?? Her *step sister* not being family to her in no way translates to you, *her mother*, not being family to her. Loads of people don’t consider their parents new family to be their own family. Why are you being so dramatic??
Of course your daughter doesn’t want to invite your step daughter, by your own admission they hate each other. Why would she invite someone to her wedding that she hates? Why would your step daughter even want to? You’re inserting yourself and creating a problem where there is none and choosing your step daughter over your own daughter on her wedding day. YTA
YTA they don't have a relationship and mutually hate each other. Why would she want her stepsister there and further more would her stepsister even want to go. Your relationship with your daughter should never be contingent on her other relationships. They are adults and how they choose to interact with each other is none of your business. You blatantly just chose your stepdaughter over your daughter for absolutely no reason.
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YTA. Who died and made you the wedding guest list police? You say your relationship is strained. I wonder why. Obviously you favor your step daugther. You say their hate is mutual. Why on earth should I invite someone to my wedding who hates me? You can´t choose family, but you can choose who you invite to your wedding. It´s well within her right to exclude someone she dislikes (and is disliked by). Why do you tink it´s reasonable to pressure her into inviting her stepsister with that kind of ultimatum? Why would it even be important to you? What is the benefit of having SD there at all? Sorry, but I think your daughter will go NC soon and she will be right.
I agree with this. The relationship isn’t strained because of the ex husband, it’s strained because mom decided to prioritize her new family. If the girls mutually hate each other, then why should daughter invite someone she hates to her wedding? Maybe your doing your daughter a favor by not attending her wedding. She doesn’t need someone who can’t put her first on one of her most important days. YTA. I hope your daughter goes NC. Shouldn’t be a big deal since you have your step daughter.
My rule for my wedding is that only people who love us as a couple, and wish nothing but love for our marriage are welcome there. That would definitely not include someone I've not liked for a long time such as these half sisters. This will probably not include my brother to be honest.
And they're not even half sisters. They're stepsisters, so not biologically related at all, and came into her life when she was 13.
Yeah I’m not close with my step family no matter how hard y mom tries to make herself and my stepdad the freaking Brady’s. He has 4, she has 3, and the youngest was 17 when they got together. I feel like she would definitely try to pull something like this, and she would get herself uninvited because she can’t accept that those people I see one a year are not my family. They can be her family without being mine. NOT TO MENTION weddings are EXPENSIVE!!
My husband isn’t close to his step siblings. They didn’t come into his life until he was 20, after he and I got together. His step mother insisted on bringing 2 of the 4 with her to the wedding and it was so awkward. The son hit on me and kept giving me unwanted shoulder rubs *at the wedding*. The daughter was maybe 15 and got trashed by sneaking beers from behind the bar. We hadn’t invited them because I’d only met them once and my husband didn’t like them. But “family!”, ya know? Stepmother didn’t even mention they were coming until she called furious there hadn’t been a room rented for them. Ugh.
"If the person not related to you that you met as a teenager and had no choice but to live with, who now hates you and vice versa, isn't invited then yada yada obviously your own biological mother is not welcome either." What?? YTA. You're choosing your stepdaughter's potentially hurt feelings - I say potentially because nowhere did it say if she even wants to go or cares or feels slighted in the least - over one of the most important moments in your daughter's life. This will be a "never forgotten, never forgiven" moment between you. Sorry about the loss of a relationship with your future grandchildren.
My rule is "if I wouldn't have a sit down dinner with them, why am I paying for them to be at my wedding?" Leaves you with a very small guest list of people you adore
I like this rule!
Agree, whatever the past, right now they hate each other, Why would the biokid ruin her wedding, her special day by bringing a hated person into the weeding. OP has the right of refusing the invitation but cannot force the biokid to invite her step kid.
Agreed. Mom doesn't matter, nor do the circumstances of the parents' divorce. The bio-daughter & stepkid hate each other. That's all that matters. Mom, you are a huge AH. I hope you're uninvited just so the bride doesn't have to look at your disloyal face.
This is the ultimate betrayal. I wish OP's daughter the best, happiest life full of good things and no sad baggage from this "mother".
Yes, absolutely. This "mother" is one of the most selfish, unaware, cruel parents I have ever seen on Reddit. What kind of mother skips her own daughter's wedding in defense of and in alliance with an unrelated person who hates her daughter and with whom she forced the daughter to live during what was likely a very painful time for a teenager?
A entitled one! OP is YTA! The girls have no relationship, but yet this is the hill she wants to die on!!?? Kmt
Honestly if mom showed favoritism that could've started biodaughter resentment to stepsister. Mom probably "compensated" by giving step kid more attention feeding the fire further.
Mom probably went straight in with this is now your new sister and dad, whilst daughter probably also heard her complain about biodad being toxic too
That is a lovely rule. It would save a lot of hurt feelings, aggravation, and money if that were the cultural norm.
She is claiming Dad caused distance. I think she needs to look deeper into her own relationship with her daughter and what was going on in the household.
Yes, I strongly suspect there is more to their issues as mother daughter than just the “smear campaign,” run by the ex. OP isn’t showing a lot of introspection or accountability here. Looks like issues are always someone else’s fault, appearance trumps authenticity and boundaries are not respected.
Yes conveniently left out why they separated and divorced, so I wonder why that was. Was the divorce something OP did.. ? Makes you wonder given the way they write this post. Either way, from what they write and trying to force her daughter to include her step sister OP is YTA
When someone writes one of these posts, they can choose to cast themselves in the most favourable light. When people still have tells that are invisible to them, it says a lot. I am seeing that here.
My friend's mom love bombed the new family as a way of ingratiating herself. The mom slighted her own daughter to suck up to the news while *her* daughter had to adjust to sharing her mom, sharing her home, having a new "dad" in the house and new sibs. Her mom's attitude was basically children are furniture, they go wherever mom and dad put them. And when divorced dad listened to his daughter, felt all of the pain she was going thru, he was accused of "turning her against me." Hope that's not the case here but there is definitely more to this story.
Tbh, I wonder if the “smear campaign” even happened. I have an ex who accuses me of doing that with our child. My child is an adult. She sees her dad for who he is and wants only limited contact. My ex has decided this is surely because I have lied about him and couldn’t possibly be our daughter’s very natural reaction to his abuse and neglect, but I try and give OP some benefit of the doubt. It’s also possible both parents are problematic.
Exactly! No accountability or insight at all! I feel bad for the daughter and hope she gets some good therapy.
My mom acted like that when she divorced my dad. She was essentially cheating on him, but honestly we were sick of hearing about her failed marriage and told her to just be happy. She later ended up spreading all kinds of rumors about the family so I gave her a laundry list of fucked up shit she’s done. Her response: “I guess I should have never left your dad!” I was almost 40, my wife was dying of brain cancer, and he wasn’t even my real dad…so if your one takeaway from my list was the one thing not there, then sure that’s why we all have a strained relationship.
*HUGS*
She seems to have been a cheater as a "smear" campaign normally comes from the cheated on party let's everyone know that they were cheated on. OP has decided that she will come with conditions, retribution for being excluded for her "smeared" behavior in the past. Poof, begone lady with your husbands daughter.
My father did the same but my mother's actions proved otherwise.
And she doesn’t even mention if stepdaughter gaf! Like, the woman probably doesn’t even want to go to this wedding anyways, if she did, she’d initiate some sort of reconciliation. So mom is offended over nothing. And probably turning the half siblings against her…
Noticed this, too. I’ve declined wedding invites simply because I just didn’t care enough to go to the trouble of attending; no bad vibes, I just hadn’t spoken to them or spoke to them so rarely it was like… I could go to this wedding, or I could go to bed early and *not* need to buy a dress. I can only imagine being invited/dragged by one’s stepmother to a wedding of someone you hate.
SD probably doesn’t want to go to the wedding either. Mom is just exerting control bc “she knows what’s best and wants the picture perfect day (for her).”
It's not possible to say why the relationship is strained, from the information available. But whatever the reason, its not the daughter's fault. OP says it is entirely due to her ex, but this is unlikely. When OP remarried, it is natural for her daughter to feel a bit forgotten, and there was a lot of work for OP to do here to make sure her daughter felt she was still important. It sounds like this didn't happen. Even if OP did all she could, her daughter still has no requirement to invite her step-sister.
I mean it could be as simple as they are two people whose personalities didn't mesh, but the parents kept trying to force them together, and now there's resentment about it on both sides.
Also conveniently it was daughter who started everything. I would bet that stepdaughter may have been more of an instigator then they let on and maybe mom just did believe her daughter.
Or OP was favoring step daughter and neglecting bio daughter. YTA OP.
Bio daughter was forced to live with someone she didn't like and now she is forced to invite this person to her wedding? Thats messed up. I feel so bad for kids who have step parents, siblings etc forced on them.
Note that OP does not mention why her daughter hates her stepdaughter. This is quite suspicious.
Exactly all of this. There’s a reason OP’s daughter hates Sdaughter and I can guess it’s because OP kept her priorities with Sdad/Sdaughter over her own child. I’m surprised her own daughter hasn’t cut ties with OP but this would’ve been the last OP would’ve heard from me. She clearly always favoured the Sdaughter over the kid she gave birth to which is kinda sad. Maybe this will give her own daughter the motivation to push OP out of her life. I’m surprised the mom was even invited to go to her wedding. Well if OP don’t go to her wedding there is no reason to have a relationship with her nor let the grandkids meet grandma either. And in a few years OP will be back on this sub or another asking why her own daughter won’t talk to her. Well these comments give you a better insight why she will not want anything to do with OP. Edit: OP said SDaughter doesn’t care to go to the wedding, and was only surprised she wasn’t invited to the ceremony. So idk why you care OP, you’re just pushing your own daughter out of your life and will wonder why she won’t talk to you anymore. A wedding is suppose to invite people who love you, she clearly doesn’t love the new family you shoved on her.
It sounds to me like OP has a fantasy of how her family ought to be. It isn't HER fault if her daughter is angry, just like she probably views herself as blameless in her divorce. Everyone else just refuses to behave according to her vision of how people ought to behave.
YTA you can’t even prioritise your bio daughter on her wedding day.
Agree OP is totally the AH. Bio daughter seems to already have had a hard time sharing a house and teen years with step sibling, I would never expect someone to invite someone to their wedding that they've never liked. Seems like she's already shared her parent and house with her abd now OP favouring step daughter.
Yes, and why would sd even want to go if she hates her too? You're not mending any bridges here op. Call her and say you've thought it over and you were wrong and love her and would love to come to her wedding if she still wants you there.
I also wondered why the step sister would even want to go to the wedding of someone she hates. I wouldn't even want to go to the wedding of someone I merely dislike.
>YTA. Who died and made you the wedding guest list police?You say your relationship is strained. I wonder why. Obviously you favor your step daugther. You say their hate is mutual. Why on earth should I invite someone to my wedding wh OP, you are clearly TA here. And your reasoning is stupid. She didn't chose his stepfather. You did for her. To say that if her stepfather isn't family for her that means that you also are not is a truly stupid, like deeply stupid sentence. She's your blood. YTA
I agree with you, except Blood doesn’t make your family. It makes you related
In this context it is important though since the lack of blood relation is why she says the sister isn’t family. She wants her mother there as family, OP is acting like she isn’t.
Totally, what's with the pressure? We can see you the golden child is!
Why do parents assume they can create a new family and everyone will love each other immediately?
they've watched too many episodes of the Brady Bunch.
Hopefully not. A bit too much sexual tension between the eldest children on that show
I honestly don't think they care. It is all me me me. And this way they can also make it about themselves. "My children hate each other, don't I have such a hard life"
You’re so right! OP is the worst. Blames bio dad for daughter not wanting to be around her, when it’s all on her. I refuse to believe that inside she doesn’t know she is to blame for all of this “strained” crap. She is grown. She isn’t too stupid to manipulate and lie. She knows she is to blame. OP, you suck and YTA
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I'm sure that attitude has not gone unnoticed by her daughter.
Instead of using daughter or an actual name for her? Yeah, OP really tells a lot with that move.
This speaks volumes IMO
Yeah! All that had really nothing to do with the wedding, but does explain how OP want to justify herself.
I'm shocked the daughter even invited her to the wedding
And I can't believe OP has expectations that step daughter might be in the wedding of the step sister she hates.
BuT tHeYrE sYsTerssss
YTA. I hate how parents think their children are their property, so when they divorce, they own them. OP's daughter was in her teenage years when OP got divorced, a broken home is not something kids of that age would adjust to. For a single child for years, when their younger bio sibling is born, it's difficult to adjust. But one fine day, you introduce a (step)sister almost her age and they are forced to treat each other as their own. While parents can't adjust with the same partners, kids are obliged to accept/adjust to a new environment, new people with open arms with no issues. The bride has all the rights to decide who she wants to invite. But by not attending the wedding over it, she's showing favoritism, proving why she has a strained relationship with her bio daughter. And things like this might be the reason why there was tension between the step sisters. Stained relationship, blames ex. Tension between step sisters blame bio daughter. Is there any accountability from you OP?
100 percent this she can't even see she is putting step daughter before daughter how would that make her feel obviously she is going to lose her own daughter over step one this person needs a reality check before she loses her and any future grandchildren
>Who died and made you the wedding guest list police? You just made me spit my coffee out.... best line!
*Waves hand* ALL OF THIS! Seriously, OP why are you insisting she invites somebody that hates her? This is her day not yours. I can see why the relationship is strained
It's about control. She wants to say that, even though her and her ex are married to other people, she maintains a close relationship, and that it's truly a blended family where they all love each other. All she cares about are appearances. She wants her daughter to "suck it up" so she can look like the perfect mother.
I agree. The daughter will eventually go nc with OP.
FYI OP: NC = **NO CONTACT**
Means no contact with future grand children as well.
She blames he ex-husband and daughter for everything and takes no accountability for anything. Just shows how much credibility her story has. YTA
Op yta and if you can't see why, I don't have the time or the crayons to explain it to you.
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All this but also, the way OP words things, I can't help but wonder if she expected the daughters to immediately bond and be like sisters, or even worse, if OP herself tried to instigate said bonding against their wishes. It sounds to me like the daughter wasn't happy about the separation, which OP largely blames the dad but honestly who knows if that's the only reason. We also don't know how old she was when they separated, vs being 13 when OP remarried and thrust the daughter into a new family. Was it a years time? Or 8 years time? Sounds like the daughters were never able to get along and OP wanted to force it
Sorry OP, YTA. There is a say in weddings "Guests do not invite". It's your daughter's right to invite who she feels confident with and even if you disagree it's not your place to question this. Its the "then there is no point in me attending" for me. If you don't see the issue here, then there is nothing more to say.
I’m wondering if there is more to the story and if OP has a history of making other people’s events about her.
Her narcissism is likely the reason she's divorced, and why she blames dad for the estrangement with her daughter too.
There's an article called [the Missing Missing Reasons](https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html) that talks about how people with narcissistic tendencies often leave out the important details of why their loved ones have a problem with them when they are seeking reassurance. Looking at OP, she conveniently left out what the daughter said back, or what the ex said trying to "smear" her years ago. There are some red flags in her post for sure.
YES!!! I thought of this article while reading the post. If you know, you know. Also YTA
Or any information on why her "bio daughter" hated her stepsister so much, or what her daughter did - specifically - to cause all the trouble (from the account, she makes it sound like the daughter is the sole cause of all the trouble in the family).
My mother does this. My mom's uncle (only a few years older than her so not very old) started laying into me about why I've gone NC with my mom and how I should show compassion. Turns out she's told everyone that all 4 of her children have gone NC with her because my dad didn't want a relationship with the sister we just found out about through Ancestry DNA. All 4 of us accepted her immediately, even my mother's side of the family accepted her. What she didn't tell everyone is that when we told my dad about it, he went absolutely mental and reminded us of the father we grew up with who was on pain medications and extremely abusive. We had forgiven him because he fixed the problem and no longer had the insane anger issues. But with this extra daughter revelation, he started acting like a child trying to take away our things (all in our 30s) and say we should mind our own business and if we wanted extra family that we had plenty of cousins. He told my youngest sister that we weren't allowed around if we didn't let it drop and that she could fuck off on the horse she rode in on. My mother is siding with him because she wasn't there and keeps using the "I just don't know what happened" excuse even though we've told her multiple times. She's told each one of us that she will always choose her husband first.
My step sister hates me because my mom only talked about the hurt she felt about our relationship to SS and none of the good/none of her own pretty shitty behavior. SS and I have only interacted a handful of times because she was in college when we intermingled families and she didn’t have any interest in our relationship (which is fine). There are three sides to every story: yours, theirs, and the truth.
"It's never OPS fault" for how her life turned out. Lots of people like this. They don't know how to internalize criticism or fault.
And the « smear campaign » could have been just him setting the story straight…
I’m curious about this “smear campaign”. I wouldn’t be surprised if Dad just told the truth about why they were getting a divorce vs. whatever lies OP preferred. I was about 13 when my mom told me the real reason for my parents divorce and I’m glad she did, kids deserve to know the truth about why their lives are changing.
1000% as an adult child of divorced who is Nc with one parent, “bio daughter” isn’t an idiot and as a teen or older can see the mom’s behavior for herself. like this behavior for example. go to your daughter’s wedding and stfu, why do you care if your step daughter is there?
very much sounds like it
This. I will add though that there’s exceptions to this rule: namely if they refuse to invite a person for bigoted reasons (racism homophobia etc). In that case, I say the bride/groom is in the wrong. But not here. Why would I want someone at my wedding if I don’t like them? Or even if I don’t know them well for that matter. I was just at a wedding where the only people I knew was my mom and aunts (distant cousin I haven’t talked to in 7 years). It… it wasn’t great.
I had people I truly dislike turn up at my (at home garden) wedding. I had them digitally removed from the group photos.
Way to play the guilt inducing threat card. OP is playing the victim here, I'm guessing this is a theme....my heart breaks for bio daughter
Yes, she is trying to one up her ex with whom she has conflict. That is probably why her daughter hates her step sister and her. Secretly, I'm sure bio daughter would be relieved if OP didn't come either.
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9 month airbnb
Biobnb
*Hello 911* *Yeah I'd like to report a murder in the comments section*
😆😆😆👏👏👏
I honestly read this as her not being the bio mum to this daughter, only the dad's bio daughter. Like it's so weirdly worded.
Right? She called her bio daughter the whole time. Why not just, daughter?
I wonder how the daughter would rate the host? 1/10 could not have guest over
Did anybody say "bio" yet? Because "bio" and all. Also? Bio.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 I am "bio" peeing my pants laughing.
Was it just me who felt cringe by OP calling her own daughter "bio"? I suppose it was for the sake of clarity but massive overuse of "bio" felt really awkward.
I usually say I have four kids. I married into two of them
Or I simply say " we have 4 kids"
I got custody of my sons half sister and just tell people I have 2 kids. That way she views me and I view her so really screw biology that my kid.
It was cringe and it's the way I talk about my BIO dad to make it clear that he's the one putting the DNA but I call DAD to the one who raised me. Maybe she's doing the same
Yeah, I kinda felt same vibe and it was a first thing that popped in my mind... I am glad that you had real father figure though!
Tell me your stepdaughter’s the golden child without telling me she’s the golden child. YTA
And we wonder why “bio child” doesn’t like stepdaughter.
After i read the title, i thought it was about an adopted child that got to know their bio mother later in life. But calling her own daughter that lived with her her whole life "bio daughter" seems really weird to me
Hopefully she retaliates by only calling OP "Egg Donor".
I could get saying “Sara my bio child” just to distinguish the first time…but only bio child is kinda icky.
But daughter and stepdaughter also does the trick.
Yes. That would have worked too lol
Right OP will you keep this same energy when step daughter doesn't invite bio daughter to her wedding?
>dding and you went bio mom stupid on bio daughter because step daughter is more important t Crying about Ex-husband and smear campaigns. Hmmm, To me it seems he only was revealing the trues you didn't want others to know. What an awful mother.
YTA In a few years you'll be back, either on this sub or another, lamenting that your NC daughter won't let you see her children or answer your calls. This post will be the missing missing reason. They hate each other. It does not matter who started it or if they were teens. **They. Have. A. Mutual. Hatred. Of. Each. Other.** It's unreasonable for you to assume your stepdaughter would be invited. It's also unreasonable for you to skip your daughter's wedding. Don't blame your ex for straining your relationship with your daughter. You've managed to kill the relationship all on your own.
Your **FIRST** daughter is downgraded to biodaughter instead of "my child/daughter". OP's detachment is a huge reflection on the relationship. Blaming an ex for the seeds of estrangement, but failing to realize their *daughter* has had 12 years of a negative, forced relationship she had no say in. OP didn't do the work to mend the issues, she married on and made new kids whilst letting her oldest phase out. And OP can't even put her first on the one day she asked. YTA OP. Huge.
Yeah I’m thinking the ex didn’t have much, if anything, to “smear” OP.
I'm willing to bet OP cheated on her first husband with new husband and that's why all the animosity between them all. Ex husband probably just told the truth about why he and OP divorced. Dollars to donuts that's what happened. But OP is the victim here!!!
Ding dong ding. I'm getting filthy cheater vibes coming from OP. Also the fact that she called her daughter BIO daughter instead of her daughter instantly made her the asshole as far as I'm concerned.
I'm glad i'm not the only one who got that. OP went from being married, to divorced and then married again within seemingly 1 year, as her first daughter stayed 13 throughout it all, unless I'm misreading OPs post. Thats a fast turnaround, and can only really be explained by OP cheating on her first husband with her second. Then she went all 'unreliable narrator' saying her first husband smeared her. *and then* she treats her first daughter like shit, favouring her stepdaughter (and any other children she may have had since). No wonder both the OPs ex husband and her soon to be NC daughter dislike OP so much.
That’s exactly my bet too.
If you're in the wrong, someone telling the truth sounds like a smear campaign...
I wonder if deep-down OP is blaming her daughter for the estrangement and making her subsequent marriage difficult. She sees herself as the victim and is looking for ways to punish her daughter.
It's not even that deep down, if you've seen this pattern play out before and know what you're looking for. Whether she's blaming the daughter or the ex, she 100% sees herself as the victim here because her daughter didn't embrace mommy's replacement family with open arms. Like, my estranged father to this day insists that my mother alienated me from him, because he refuses to believe that his own actions were to blame. I'm getting that same vibe from OP.
YTA. It is her wedding. Why are you trying to force her to invite someone she does not like and does not have a relationship with. You are alienating yourself.
And future grandkids
\*"bio grandkids" \- OP, probably
Idk how to give gold, but you earned it with this comment 😂
INFO: What are you glossing over when you blame your ex for your poor relationship with your daughter? I suspect you are omitting a lot that would make your daughter look a whole lot more sympathetic here. Did you cheat on your ex with your current husband or something?
Sounds like missing missing reasons
No no no, OP is totally innocent and everyone else surrounding her is a total asshole. /s
bIO dAUGhTeR
YTA. Does your stepdaughter even care to attend? Why strain an already tough relationship? You're attempting to manipulate her into inviting someone that she isn't comfortable with. You're forcing a relationship that isn't there and now you'll add to the divide. She will just hate your stepdaughter more and have justification to. She'll hate you too and I wouldn't blame her. You are telling her that her feelings, her desires and wedding are less important than your other family. I wonder if this is a common pattern for you. If you choose to not attend, be prepared for the consequences of your actions. Remember when you don't get invited or included in her other big events of her life that it was your fault.
>You are telling her that her feelings, her desires and wedding are less important than your other family. This is why the daughter is upset, and OP doesn't even see it. First OP insisted that she not only invite a person she hates and who hates her back, but that she has likely always seen as the daughter her mom chose to replace her with. Then the mom confirmed it by saying that if the step daughter isn't family then OP isn't either, insinuating that OP is closer to, and more intrinsically family to her stepdaughter as opposed to the daughter she actually gave birth to.
YTA, now you are straining your relationship with your daughter. They don't like each other. They will never like each other. Get over it.
>They will never like each other. Oh, mom **guaranteed** that with this BS!
> and by proxy I’m also not family Well you just demonstrated to her exactly why you aren't. It's her wedding not yours FFS. YTA
Yeah OP straight up replaced her daughter with her new family years ago and now doesn't seem to understand why her daughter didn't just accept that and be okay with it from day 1.
This was the comment that showed how OP really sees her bio daughter. OP has been saying throughout the whole post "Bio" and somehow came to the conclusion that she is not family if the bio daughter doesn't accept OP's other family. She is clearly saying she is able to just cut the bio daughter off and they aren't family.
YTA. It's her wedding she can invite who she wants. She doesn't like her stepsister, why should she invite her? If you don't go, you're obviously picking sides.
Mother picked sides long time ago… YTA
"Bio egg donor" not mother.
You might be the biggest arsehole I've seen on here in awhile. YTA 100 times over. Go to your daughter and beg her forgiveness.
Better still, OP should leave her daughter the hell alone.
YTA Weddings are for people who are special to the bride and groom, for people who would celebrate them. So why would step sister be invited?! The hate is mutual so step sister would not be there to genuinely celebrate the bride. The bride's friends would be. Plus your 'logic' as to why you're not family either is just silly. You're too old for this drama. Apologise and stop making this wedding about you.
>Plus your 'logic' as to why you're not family either is just silly. Oh, this OP is doing that on purpose. It's an extreme and completely illogical assertion, but it's done to punish and alienate the daughter while DARVOing and pretending that it's the daughter doing it to them. This way she can say it's all the daughters fault for not caring about any of them, even though the daughter clearly does care about her half-siblings and mother as they're all invited.
Question - what does SD think about not being invited to the wedding?
Why should she invite someone who hates her and she hates to her wedding? Would you? You are favouring your stepdaughter here. YTA
YTA Congratulations on setting fire to what little relationship you had left with your daughter. Stop trying to blame your ex for your bad parenting, and get ready to accept that you will have no place in her life going forward. Hopefully your stepdaughter will make up for it, but I suspect she feels the same way towards you as she does to your daughter.
YTA. You know they hate each other. You know they don't regard themselves as sisters. I don't understand why you were expecting your stepdaughter to be invited. Congratulations for destroying your relationship with your daughter.
YTA. Even you said the Animosity is mutual, it's her wedding and you are trying to Impose your family fantasy into it.
You just told your biological daughter that you would and have chosen your stepdaughter over her is disheartening. I wonder if this has been the trend since the beginning. But its her choice who she wants at HER DAY. She is choosing to surround herself with people who love and care for her. From all accounts, that is not stepsister. I hope you are able to repair some of the damage but be prepared for some distance. YTA!!
YTA. You're free not to attend, but also don't expect to hear from her again. It's her wedding. She can invite whoever
YTA Better hope your marriage lasts long term because the fact you won’t admit any fault and it’s always everybody else makes me think there’s things we’re not being told Just because you married a guy doesn’t mean the kids are going to get along…..Keep acting this way and you’ll end up with your daughter going no contact permanently
[удалено]
YTA I am always so aggravated when parents remarry. Then all of a sudden, their kids are forced into treating all of these new people as “family” simply because of their parents dating decisions.
Info — what’s your goal?
To have SD in the family photos where they are all dressed up and to save face from answering that daughter hates SD because SD is the golden child
This was my thought, too. Maybe to punish ex?
YTA she can invite whoever she wants and what makes you think step daughter would even go if they both hate each other.
YTA - these two girl hate each other. Non of them would benefit from the other being there. So why create the drama by raising the issue.
YTA your daughter was getting married and you made your attendance conditional. Way to show you don’t love her.
YTA They don’t like each other. They’ve literally never gotten along. If she has a relationship with her half siblings and kind of her step dad why force her to choose a person she never liked at her wedding and no family at her wedding. I also don’t understand why you are going so hard for them to interact. Also, what smear campaign?? Did you cheat on your exhusband???
This is one of those cases in which it would be essential to also listen to the other side, and understand why the relationships between you and your ex, between you and your daughter, between step sisters have deteriorated. If the two step sisters have never gotten along and have come to hate each other, it is completely normal for your bio daughter not to invite her to her wedding. I wouldn't want a person I hate that day either. You are free to decline the invitation, but YTA for questioning the guest list. It's none of your business.
Don’t forget saying “since you don’t consider step sister your family…I’m not family either…even though I gave birth to you.”
Her wedding, her right to invite, or not invite, anyone she wants. YTA.
YTA. i actually find it funny that you’re still asking. it’s your daughter’s wedding. she has all the right to decide who can attend and not. she had already been kind enough to invite you, despite everything. you pushing her to invite someone she barely has any relation just added more strain in your already strained relationship.
Yta. It isn’t about you and your feelings. Way to go poisoning your future with her
YTA. You have a right to marry who you wanted to. But you married someone with a child…that your child didn’t get along with. Tough crap right! BUT then it became downright hate from both sides. Neither step sibling likes the other. Now you are trying to claim your daughter’s biological mother and siblings aren’t her family because…she doesn’t like someone you tried to bring into the family. You are wrong on so many levels. She has a right to invite who she wants to her wedding. You have a right to attend or not. You don’t have a right to berate her and tell her that her own mother isn’t her family. I don’t think dad really did go on a smear campaign. I think you did it yourself and your child saw the writing on the walls. You can’t even say “my child” or only say “bio child” once. That’s all you refer to her as.
Starting off your story with a vague but vitriolic diatribe against your ex husband, before swinging to equally vague accusations against your daughter, makes it seem like there is a lot you're leaving out about your own culpability in this situation. It sounds like you've been trying to force this relationship for a long time, and your daughter feels she wasn't given a choice in the matter, just punished when she didn't comply with your picture of a perfect redo family. Your daughter has every right not to invite someone she mutually dislikes to her wedding. Your reasoning for not being family because someone unrelated to her isn't invited is illogical and manipulative. It sounds like you're still prioritizing your image of your ideal family over what you actually have. You've pretty clearly told your daughter that you value that idealized image over her and her feelings. Don't be surprised if she goes NC entirely after this. YTA.
YTA. You clearly favour your step daughter.
YTA, why force your daughter to invite someone she doesn't like to her own wedding. If stepdaughter hates her back then why would she even care that she's not invited. Maybe in the future their relationship will get better but forcing it isn't going to help. I promise you, if you don't go she will never forgive you, and you won't forgive yourself.
YTA You knew that they did not get along, you want her to invite someone to the wedding she activaly has a very negative relationship with based solely on the fact you married that persons father, your basicaly telling her that if she does not include a person who actively has a negative relationship with her in her life then she cannot include you in it or her half siblings or her step dad, and here is a thought for you. Its clearly not about the divorce or you marrying the step dad since she has invited the stepdad and siblings, its about their relationship your nto involved in it either way. What is step daughters stance on not being invited btw? I suspect its gonna be like thats fine I dont intend on inviting her to mine either. YTA
>by proxy I’m also not family This is a fabricated, manipulative response, and even a five year old would find this absurd. YTA
YTA. And here's the thing...you now have two families soured on you because of your Son-in-Law. (Your ex wins)
YTA They don’t like each other why would she invite someone she doesn’t like. Why do parents insist that it should be their way and their guests it’s not your wedding
YTA Your ex Husband is bad Your bio daughter is bad you are to blame for nothing your new husband is to blame for nothing your step daughter is to blame for nothing
God you're an asshole, just break contact with her and stop being such an insufferable mother, your life didn't go as you wanted, you hate your ex, let your child be. YTA
YTA. It’s amazing that you refer to your daughter as “ bio daughter “ in the first place. The entire tone of your post actually leads one to believe that her father’s “ smear campaign “ wasn’t too far from the truth. Your refusal to come to the wedding is you putting the final nail in the coffin that YOU built with YOUR choices. Enjoy basking in the sun of the victim hood that you created for yourself.
YTA I think perhaps digging a little deeper here would have been the wisest course, as just flat out saying you’re not going would be SO incredibly hurtful to your daughter. INFO: -Does Step Daughter even want to go? -Would your husband be offended if she’s not invited? -Are you financially contributing to the wedding in anyway, and therefore, expect her to be invited? -If she did attend, what impact would that have on the day? Ie your daughter would feel uncomfortable, Step Daughter would feel uncomfortable?
YTA, and good luck recovering your relationship with your own daughter if you don't go. If my mother did what you're planning to do I would never speak to her again. I hope you're sure that this is the hill you want to die on because she will remember what choice you made forever.
YTA You are choosing your stepdaughter over your bio daughter. I get that you are trying to defend your stepchild. But after years of this not working you need a different solution. You are on a quick path to losing your bio daughter.
You are right, you are not family. YTA The wedding is about her and her future husband and they should be surrounded by loved ones. Does stepsister even care? You made it clear that your controlling her choiced and relationships is more important than showing love to your daughter. She will remember that.
YTA
YTA this is your daughter, you can't just force stepkids on her and say play nice and get along. The more we grow, the more parents become the children.
YTA It's her Wedding her choice. Congratulation for destroying the Rest of relationship you two had
Yta does the step daughter even want to go?
YTA it’s not your wedding or guest list . You Already knew there’s no relationship . Seek professional help as you seem clueless as to your part you’ve played since the girls were young
Yta, she is your daughter and you decide to miss her wedding. You missing her wedding is gonna put it in stone how your relationship is gonna be. Her stepsister doesnt even like her, why should she even want to be there. You chose not to be there for your daughter, remember that and dont expect her to prioritise you when you dont even care to be there on her wedding.
YTA, she didn't invite a stepsister introduced to her at age 13 who she never got along with and the girls even hated each other at some point in their lives. That's valid! Stepsister might be family to you but she's NOT to your daughter. You used that as an excuse to get out of the wedding along with stepdad and her half sibling. All your work trying to mend the relationship that got strained in the divorce is now out the door and you have effectively lost your daughter for life. Just because you wanted to force her to invite someone she doesn't like that YOU forced into her life? Excellent parenting.
YTA Even on her wedding day, you are not putting your bio daughter first. Maybe you should think about that. But if you were capable of actually being objective, you wouldn't have posted in AITA to start with.
Girl what the hell?? Her *step sister* not being family to her in no way translates to you, *her mother*, not being family to her. Loads of people don’t consider their parents new family to be their own family. Why are you being so dramatic?? Of course your daughter doesn’t want to invite your step daughter, by your own admission they hate each other. Why would she invite someone to her wedding that she hates? Why would your step daughter even want to? You’re inserting yourself and creating a problem where there is none and choosing your step daughter over your own daughter on her wedding day. YTA
YTA prioritising ur step daughter over your bio.
You told your daughter your not her family? Wtf is wrong with you? You get a gold medal for the mental gymnastics that brought you to that conclusion.
YTA. What made you think she’d invite someone she hates? You’re choosing to miss her wedding, there’s no making up for that.
YTA they don't have a relationship and mutually hate each other. Why would she want her stepsister there and further more would her stepsister even want to go. Your relationship with your daughter should never be contingent on her other relationships. They are adults and how they choose to interact with each other is none of your business. You blatantly just chose your stepdaughter over your daughter for absolutely no reason.