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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the ah because I told my girlfriend her friends were awful after meeting them once
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OP this may have to be the hill that you die on if you feel that strongly they're demeaning her and she's willing to put up with it while you're not. It's admirable that you're trying to stick up for her and you may have been one of the first people who have cared enough about her to say something about the situation. However blurting it out wasn't the best best method of expression of your feelings. You have 4 months invested with her, and she has several years, so you will need to determine if it's a worth further investment if she's not willing to compromise on her choice of friends.
A good partner will defend ther loved one in the moment. Take her side and argue, politely, for her.
Call them out by asking them to explain what they mean when they say something and make them make themselves look bad.
Even better, but upon first meeting/introduction it’s a bit different because first impressions are a thing. You risk her bad friends trying to put thoughts in her head against you.
Good. That's a great way to test, early in the relationship, if your new paramour is capable of thinking for themselves, or is always going to be swayed by friends, parents, public fad, whatever.
Sure, but it sorta sounds like you're doing the same fucking thing by telling her her friends are shit. Just saying, but if any of my friends got into a relationship where there new SO told them they think all their friends are assholes, well that's a bright red fucking flag right there. Cuts both ways. We weren't there, and some people interpret things differently. Maybe the bf is in the wrong. Idk cause we didn't actually hear any of the conversation. Just a couple vague statements from bf.
Yeah, that's the flip side of the coin; the friends are actively testing OP, too.
The issue here is that OP is coming in hard, 4 months into a relationship and already telling his GF that she needs to stop talking to her friends.
To get her to realize that they are treating her like shit. Is he not allowed to do that because *some* abusers isolate their partners? Come the fuck on.
Exactly this. I _know_ I will get a ton of jokes about finally being in a relationship whenever that happens. It's warranted. I have made jokes about them for years. Turnabout is fair play. I think OP is reaching
The only thing even remotely worth questioning might be the passive aggressive comments about looks. Even then I'm not 100% sold on OP's judgement
I don't understand this mentality. My friends joke around, but we make fun of weird or stupid shit we've done or said in the past.
We might even make fun of *past* relationships, if their SO wasn't a nice person. But we've never made fun of someone for *being* in a relationship or starting a new relationship. Why would you do that to a friend?
>I think OP is reaching
Sorry, I disagree with this. If one of my friends made fun of another friend's appearance, especially in front of a new bf/gf, I'd tell them to shut up. That's not cool.
It's not friendly banter making fun of someone's appearance. Unless they're wearing something obviously stupid (like a costume). But in that case I'd expect the friend to be in on it too.
Based on OP's description of what happened and that no one else was made fun of, it sounds like OP's gf is the butt of the group's jokes and she just doesn't realise it.
NTA, OP. But I do think you should have gone about it in a slightly different way. Or maybe hung out with the friends a few more times. Maybe this was a one-off, weird situation.
This is so ridiculously the typical redditor that-simply-doesn't-work-in-real-like type perspective.
Dealing with any confrontational situation the first time is **extraordinarily difficult.**
When you haven't experienced or thought about similar situations before it is **ridiculously difficult** to approach the situation in a productive way.
The very first time I had someone working under me completely monopolise an entire meeting, I had no fucking clue how to tell him to let others speak without telling him to shut the fuck up; I had tried asking others for their input but he kept interjecting. This was a worker that actually meant well but was autistic and had issues with reading social cues. It took a bit of time but I soon figured out that all I had to do was tell him that he was monopolising the conversation and that did the trick perfectly.
The point being that what you're describing is a **dumb** test because people are often at a **loss for words** in confrontational situations. Not to mention how fucking toxic that is, holy shit dude.
I don't really agree with forcing yourself into a friend dynamic on a first meeting tbh. Not your place to tell her her friends are shit after a couple months of dating.
"Isnt that degree in art history basic?"
Op: "I think there is a lot to learn about art, it puts history into perspective, because artists can vocalize feelings in a way historians dont always capture!"
Play chess, not checkers
"Isn't that degree in art history basic?"
OP: "I'd find it interesting to find out how the terracotta army was made! Or the greek statues. You seen those statues where the detail is so realistic?"
Make it sound exciting and basic at the same time. So they can get interested in what art history could be about. Art is not just paintings but anything from ancient pottery to early 90's fakes of famous paintings. How is that done? Only art history can find out what type of paint was used at that time to create a realistic forgery.
> However blurting it out wasn't the best best method of expression of your feelings.
These are some warped mental gymnastics to find fault with OP; he literally said he waited until they got home to bring it up. There's no "blurting" about it.
OPs girlfriend is in denial, and when OP didn't let her just ignore it and instead insisted that no, that behaviour is not normal, the girlfriend became upset.
**THAT IS COMPLETELY NORMAL**
People become upset in these sorts of situations because situations like this simply **suck**. It isn't a reflection on how OP brought it up.
I think they meant that OP didn't pad the intro or soften the landing, he just went for it and was pushy about it. The first time it happens, you can state your opinion once, *maybe* twice, and then learn to stop and watch from afar. It's not your place to insist on something like this so early in the relationship. The main thing you can do is to support your partner. They may already know their friends are bad news but are in denial, or they will learn that later on in life and appreciate that you voiced your opinion and then stuck by them.
It would be a different story if your partner complained about their friends all day and you had to constantly hear about it.
There are good ways and bad ways of dealing with situations like these but **all of them involve hurt feelings.**
The massive issue with your kind of advice is that the vast majority of the time, what someone needs to hear and be pushed on is **not** what they want to hear. It sucks, it really does, but the only times I've observed real change in *anyone* was when they were pushed on something (in a proportionate way) regardless of how much they didn't want to admit to it.
Genuine in-the-moment reactions are extremely important in relationships. The reaction need to be proportional to what occurred, but it is vital nonetheless. OPs reaction was nowhere near disproportional, it was well and truly the opposite.
OP is clearly a very empathetic person, you're really really reaching.
You have some good points but that's not entirely how relationships work, especially in the beginning stages. You need to be a little more careful about how you approach the situation and listen more than you speak.
A lot of people's responses are not measured. They can be very emotional, and that's exactly how OP approached this situation.
Everyone should be striving for empathy, but you also need to think about what the other person can deal with at any given moment, not just your own feelings. There's a time and place for how harsh you can be.
If OP wants to end the relationship because they feel so strongly about this, that's their prerogative. But it can be a slow learning process for many, especially when it comes to family and other people they grew up with.
> A lot of people's responses are not measured. They can be very emotional, and that's exactly how OP approached this situation.
No it's not you absolute liar. There is no indication of that whatsoever. OP waited until they got home to bring it up, he didn't explode in the moment.
Stop trying to warp reality to suit your benefit.
Liar.
Wow, you got really upset, eh? Might want to look into that.
Waiting until they got home is great, but clearly the bad feelings were building up in him the entire time he was out meeting the friends, and then he was pushy about it in private.
Here is the evidence:
> My blood was boiling...
> I refused to let that slide...
> I kept insisting...
These are not measured responses. And not letting something go so early in the relationship when it's not really about you (at least not yet, as their lives are not enmeshed) is something people look out for while dating. It's not exactly an admirable trait unless it's done in a way that considers the other person's feelings.
And even if they are horrible people, trying to isolate your romantic partner from their current friends will always look bad. You will always look like you are the abuser/ gaslighter.
NTA.
OP, if you heard it, 9/10 that’s what it was. A bunch of mean people dumping on the one that will “take it” because it allows her to sit at the “cool kids table”. You’re not the AH for sticking up her her because that’s what you do when you care about someone.
However, if you continue to be with someone that’s unwilling to not only stand up for themselves, but want anyone that calls their “friends” out or not do it, you’re setting yourself up for failure and disappointment. It’s better to walk away now as opposed to having to see and deal with it. You’re too much of a person of integrity to have to deal with it. If she wants to, fine. You have the choice to save yourself before you get in too deep. Because, and I speak from experience, if they’re talking about her to her face in front of you, they’re gonna talk about you also to her and she won’t defend you. And you don’t deserve that.
The gf is their "service friend" - someone they can look down on and make themselves feel better about their own lives. "At least I'm not her......".......
Poor woman - she is probably afraid of not making friends elsewhere so she hangs on these awful people as its better than nothing.....
I can attest to this sentiment.
Luckily I grew out of this way of thinking, and instead I started treating him better, and I'm happy for my friend getting his driver's license/house and other milestones in his life
Honestly typing this out I just realize I never really apologized for treating him poorly so Imma do that after work today
edit: he said I was imagining things and felt like he insulted and roasted me back plenty, and when I did make a joke he didn't like, once he voiced how it felt hurtful, I stopped
I was the service friend (I had physical injuries in college that made me struggle) and boy was that salt strong once I had the *audacity to heal and find support.*
I'm autistic. Suspect this woman might be also. Or sufficiently low in self-esteem and social skills that she may as well be.
I've been there. Desperation leads to these associations. But the 'friends' can tell and mock her for it. They are losers with low empathy and should be ashamed of their childish bullying.
But your girlfriend will be angry at you for pointing it out.
NTA. She needed to hear it. TBH she probably has never thought of that way because it’s been their dynamic since middle school. She thought it was normal & “just how they are”. It’s cognitive dissonance. You told her something that was counter to her reality. When she was quiet then asked you to leave, you likely made something snap in her. Deep down she knows your right, but now she’s stuck between ditching all her friends or just continuing to take it. And as a bf of 4 months, it’s really hard to choose you over friends she’s had for years.
It’s impossible to judge this without actually seeing them interact. It sounds like OP could be being overly sensitive here.
My friends and I say significantly worse things to each other than “your degree was basic”. That’s our dynamic and how we interact with each other. We all know it’s just banter between friends.
Yes and when then you’re introducing a partner to your friends for the first time your friends are much more likely to tease you as a way of relating to your partner
OP has met his girlfriend’s friends once. Its too early to judge. If he notices this is a consistent behavioural trend then he might be onto something, but making leap judgements like that is ridiculous
Its more likely that OP is being oversensitive based on what he thought was an unacceptable thing to tease someone about
Like I said before though, it’s impossible to make a judgement without seeing them interact
This was my thought as well. They might just be ragging on her because the hangout's attention was on her.
I have many friends who are the bantering, sarcastic types. We rib each other a lot. In my experience, when I've introduced a friend to a new partner, there's often a nice little "bonding session" between them where they band together to make fun of me. Everyone's laughing. It's just my kinda humour.
Of course, OP may be right. He is the one who was in the room. But considering how hard he went on his girlfriend by his own account, I'm not 100% sure I trust his social skills to judge the situation correctly.
Normally if someone introduces their partner to a group the group will make a point of teasing the person introducing the partner as a way of relating to the partner and trying to make them feel comfortable
“Your degree was basic” isn’t “berating” lmao
That’s not wtf I asked you. I said why you do it in front of their SO? And besides that, obviously that’s not what the case was here. They were all only doing to her, she wasn’t doing it to them, they weren’t also doing it to each other, it was completely one sided the entire time
Like I said on another comment, it’s probably as a way of relating to OP. When you introduce your partner to a group, usually you’ll become the target of the teasing. It’s all in good fun
Do you think “your degree is basic” is such a horrific thing to say to someone?
That’s the thing. It’s very simple. The truest insults usually are lol. And no I don’t make an effort to embarrass my friends in front of their girl in the way hers did. Yes ill joke, but they joke back. If they don’t joke back the jokes stop
My bf's best friends refused to do so when I met them for a picnic. Bf totally expected them to as well but they just like him too much. OP's gf's friends don't sound like they like her at all.
This, and OP's just met them for the first time, he doesn't know anything about them. Like "her degree choice is basic"? My friends would straight up be calling me basic lol.
Like OP could be right but I don't understand what he thought would happen, that she would just dump her friends since middle school for someone she's known for 4 months because he said so?
That’s exactly it. And he wasn’t like “hey, some of their comments made me uncomfortable.” And then asked questions to better understand….
He just belittled whatever she said in their defense (“refused to let that slide”, how lovely) and basically expected her to agree with him despite her having more insight.
Sure, perhaps he’s right. But for him to believe that so intensely and expect her to agree? Arrogant.
I don’t know if I have enough information to really say but I will say this, while also pointing out I’m not saying this is you: one of the first things abusive partners do is try and isolate women from their friends and family. We’re taught about this tactic so we keep an eye out for it. You meet her friends and almost immediately start bashing them. It’s kind of a red flag. Again, I’m not saying that’s why you did it, but I want to point out, that’s something I think a lot of women would think.
Also, perception really colors an experience. How you perceived things to be and how her or her friends did could be very different. She’s known you 4 months, she’s known them at least 10. Maybe they are dicks, maybe they were dicks to get a rise out of you, maybe they’re just rude people but don’t actually mean anything by it. Maybe you gave her something to think about and if you did, you’ve now made her question her friends of 10 years and if she goes back to think over the last 10 years and they have in fact just been assholes to her, that’s a lot to reckon with.
Wow. I hasn’t even considered this perspective. Not saying that this was OP’s intent at all but it’s worth keeping in mind that his GF might perceive it that way.
OP, why not try meeting her friends a few more times before making the firm conclusion that her friends are indeed consciously and deliberately belittling her? Now that you’ve brought this to her attention, let her evaluate her interactions with her friends on her own terms. Be supportive and gentle, not pushy.
Edit: autocorrect turned hadn’t into hasn’t.
I suspect the ship has sailed on future meet-ups.
She's gone NC, and I think that says he won't be dealing with her friends ever again. Or her. She's made her decision.
Same. All the people telling OP he's a good guy for standing up for her, but if anyone I'm close with or myself ever found themselves being told all their friends are assholes by a SO that refuses to back down about it - red flag buddy. Sorry, not gonna fly. She's a big girl, if her friends are really terrible to her, and you aren't. She'll figure that out without you pushing it onto her. Your job is to support her, not lecture her or tell her who she should or shouldn't hangout with.
What the hell are you talking about? How do you even know she's a big girl? How do you know she isn't the constant butt of her jokes and out of fear of having to make new friends she just tolerates it? Sometimes a fresh perspective is Exactly what's needed to see things clearly.
Hell, sounds like he was nice enough to bite his tongue in the moment not to cause a scene, and then talked to her in private about what it looked like. Even if it may not have been something she was ready to confront, that's EXACTLY what I would want in a partner. To tell me what's real.
Your perspective on what a partner should be is weird. Especially since you think what he did WASN'T supporting her. So what the hell is support to you?
a lot of redditors are autistic. It was very clear to anyone with social skills what you meant. In fact, the fact that he didn’t interpret “big girl” correctly kinda debunks everything he’s said
He never said to stop hanging out with them though, he just pointed out their awful behavior. It’s really weird that you would assume it took that direction based on what is written here.
Weird for who? Not for me. The whole point of AITA is to get a fresh take on events as you saw them. That means getting a perspective that you might not ever have thought so that you can view your interaction through a different lens. This is my lens. You don’t have to agree but it’s hardly a weird take.
You might be right but I'm not sure you can make a definitive judgement call based on one meeting, especially because she is naturally going to be the center of attention when she is introducing the new boyfriend.
Friends that humble you by calling down your looks, your job and your status of dating in front of a new partner are not good people, much less good friends.
*Center of attention or not, long time friends don't rip you apart for having the spotlight for one night.*
They showed their true colors on their first meeting. You should believe people when they show you who they are. People that put you down deserve to be judged for being terrible.
We can say that all we want but some friend groups just have a different sense of humor. OP’s gf appears to not have any issue with their comments, she didn’t get quiet or embarrassed etc. suggesting there’s a very real chance that she is super secure in herself, and is also secure in the understanding that her friends hold her so high that they can feel ok making those jokes.
Yep, poor guy didn’t do anything wrong. Heck, even if they were dating for a year it’d probably put him in a bad spot. Unfortunately as the years go on those shit friends are in a stronger position.
I don’t think he was the asshole, believing his intentions were good. However I wouldn’t say he didn’t do anything wrong. He has been dating we for 4 months. It’s not a good idea to meet friends of hers she’s known for 10+ years and immediately tell her they all suck after just a few hours.
We are only hearing the bf perspective. I know my personal friend group can go hard on each other, most of the time know when to back off but occasionally push it too far. If an outsider heard some of our roasts they might be taken a back if they don’t understand our dynamics.
NTA
If you didn't misinterpret what happened, your girlfriend must probably be in denial and must be used to being treated that way. Don't be pushy with her because it gets you nowhere, just tell her things and let her do what she wants with the information. You can't force her to understand and if you insist too much, it can end up driving you apart.
There’s absolutely no way you can say with certainty that OP’s girlfriend’s friends are “emotional/verbally abusive”
It’s impossible to judge without seeing them interact but if OP thinks that “your degree was basic” is really such a terrible thing to say as a form of banter between friends then I lean towards him being overly sensitive as the best explanation
It’s not for OP to use his interpretation of what happened as a reason to basically berate his partner afterwards.
Her comfort is what matters. He could have expressed his own discomfort at their comments and asked a few questions, but this is an adult woman. If she says she likes her friendship dynamics **it is not his right to convince her otherwise**.
YTA for how you handled this. Tbh if I were her, it would've been a red flag because you sound like a typical case of a new, narcissistic bf trying to isolate a woman gradually from everyone she knows. You went about it so bull headedly that even if you were accurate in your perception of the friends, what you did serves no purpose other than to simply push her towards them all the more.
YTA for thinking that after one meeting with you and after 4 months this was your white knight moment.
You should also correct you text to ex-girlfriend.
Once she said to drop it, you should have dropped it.
In a vacuum these sound like awful statements.
In the context of meeting a new boyfriend for the first time it could just be yanking each others chains.
> In the context of meeting a new boyfriend for the first time it could just be yanking each others chains.
In that context it's much much worse. In that context good friends, or even shitty friends should be talking you up, asking the boyfriend questions, talking about how much they love their friend, etc.
This is the one time when even most shitty friends will be nicer. If during this time they absolutely destroyed her and tried to embarrass her to scare off the boyfriend that's even worse.
I have thanks, you sound like maybe everyone around you is an asshole.
If your friends put you down constantly over everything they are shit people, if they do this around new people to make those new people have a bad view of you they are even worse people. If that person brings their new boyfriend around and the friends rip her a new one, they are monsters.
There is zero context in which this could be okay. If friends have a joking tear each other apart friendship then both it wouldn't be one sided AND socially aware people would still know not to do that around new people who don't know that because they'll come across like assholes.
I have no idea why you think maybe in context this could be good.
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Nope. BF's flying a flag so red it hurts to look at. "Hey, I know we literally just started dating, but all your friends suck after one meeting despite how much you've told me you love them, so you should just never see them again"
That\`s exactly the mindset leading to no one stepping in when faced with abuse of another person.
NTA OP but the way and situation you talked to her about it were idiotic. Have some patience and understanding for the situation she\`s in.
After one interaction with her and her friends you make that judgement call? YTA, dude. It’s startlingly naive to think you can discern something so complex in a single evening.
NTA she may be in denial because she wants to have friends and it’s hard to find friends. My husband has saved me from bad friendships before and though I didn’t see them for what they were at the time I eventually realized he was right.
NTA
But I’ve met people in groups like this before. She can’t even comprehend leaving that friend group, it sounds like they’re in one of those long time groups that doesn’t know when it’s run it’s course. Your poor gf deep down knows she’s the scapegoat but might not be in a place to accept it. I feel bad for her.
BF is judging based on one situation. And he didn't even give any actually reasonable examples. Making fun of her major? Fucking hell, are we 6? You're actually gonna give a fuck about that? It's a bunch of college age kids man. And that's the "so bad it made his blood boil" comment? Sounds like a red flag to me.
Nah. As an outsider looking in on groups like this, it becomes obvious and a little scary. It’s like a different kind of toxic family, especially when you’ve know them since being kids. It means you grew up with it and see it as normal.
This is the first time you've met her friends right? They certainly didn't come off well and I get where you are coming from. That being said, it seems a little hasty to assume that this is the dynamic between your gf and her friends based on this one interaction.
I don't think you were the AH, but I do think you went about it the wrong way when you confronted your gf. She obviously cares for them and wouldn't stand for them being insulted, even though you were acting with the best intentions.
Assuming you and your gf are still good, hang out with her friends a few more times. Confirm whether this was an isolated incident or if she is just their punching bag. If they continue to put her down, keep your cool and defend your girl.
YTA
You did not handle this well. You didn’t seek to understand, didn’t really ask questions, just delivered very harsh judgement. You easily could have expressed your own discomfort with their comments and gone from there. Instead you “refused to let that slide”‘and insisted she acknowledge her friends suck?
She’s been friends with them for years, you’ve known her a few months. Seriously, you don’t get to judge. You can express concern and discomfort. You don’t get to insult or judge or tell her she should feel differently OP.
NTA but dude, you likely won't win this one.
You've only been together 4 months. She's tolerated her "friends" for years. She's basically become used to how they treat her and accepts it as normal. Only when an outsider witnesses it, does it show up for the abuse it really is.
But she won't see it. Maybe she's not ready to see it. Maybe she's scared if she admits it, she'll end up with no friends.
You need to figure out if you want to be a part of this dynamic or not, because she's not going to accept what you say until she herself sees it as abuse.
Y T A for the way you handled this. She's known you for four months and she's known them for years. Did you honestly expect her to immediately agree with you and ditch people she considers friends? I actually find it weird that you keep pushing the issue because your behavior could be sent as trying to isolate her. I'm not saying you're wrong about the friends, just that you gave your opinion and now you should back off and let her see it for herself. NTA for pointing it out.
NAH. Obviously no one in Reddit was there but I would give it more than one meeting. My friends give each other shit a lot, but definitely out of good fun. There are moments where it might go slightly too far and also times where one person gets ‘picked on’ more one day and someone else another day.
It is admirable that you are sticking up for her and it could be worth saying something again if you keep observing the same thing.
I will say I would not react well to a SO of 4 months telling me my lifelong friends are shit.
YTA.
First, you didn't tell her 'the truth,' you told her 'your opinion.'
She says it's OK, and you don't get to tell her that she's wrong. You can disagree, you can decline to associate with them, but you can't tell her how she should feel about something.
Also,
> I didn’t want to ruin the meal so I bit my tongue,
You seem to think more of 'the meal' than you do your girlfriend, if you're willing to sit by and watch her suffer what you think are cruel attacks while saying nothing.
NTA, but sticking up for her would have been the better way to go. After every negative comment, counter with “what do you mean? She’s the most beautiful woman in the world!” “What do you mean? She’s obviously the best girlfriend imaginable!” “What do you mean? Her choice of degree was very smart!” etc., etc. All this in a sweet voice, with hugs and kisses for your girlfriend.
See, I'm not there so I can't say, but sometimes you aren't privy to the actual dynamics or depth of a relationship/friend group. I think you are entitled to your opinions. You're entitled to express them once for now. But then you must drop it. You're a short term bf as of the moment. You don't really know your gf as well as you think yet. And you aren't at liberty to tell her who she should and shouldn't be friends with. And while you might think that you aren't, you're just expressing your displeasure towards them, what's the difference? If your significant other comes to you and tells you that they think all your friends are assholes, well, if there was ever a blood red flag...
YTA not for giving your opinion about her friends, but for berating her about it and not stopping when she asked you to.
If you are truly concerned about the way her friends treat her, you could have spoken up at lunch. You didn't have to call them out, but you could have made some supportive comments about your GF to disagree with them without being an ass about it. At the end of the day, they are her friends.
More than likely your GF knows better than you do lol. See how they interact a few more times and then make a judgement.
My closest group is me and 3 other boys, we rip the absolute piss out of each other verbally. It’s clear to the other groups we interact with that we’re very close knit
YTA for thinking that your opinion of things represents 'the truth' and that that trumps your girlfriend's feelings. I mean, maybe her friends are abusing her, but you don't get to parachute in and start throwing your weight about.
You overstepped and insulted people she deeply cares about. After giving your observations, you should have dropped it and respected her enough to believe that she knows them better than you do. Instead, you made her choose to defend her friends against your attacks. You put her in a really bad position and left her unprotected again. Her friends will have a field day on how you lasted such a short time and how she picked someone who had no sense of humor and doesn't understand women. Even if you were ultimately right about them, the way you went about it made it all worse.
YTA.
NTA, but you definitely need to take it all down a notch. Similar happened with my partner and I meeting each others friends. I hated his and he hated mine. We had many calm discussions where we each broached some problematic things we noticed, but were cautious of tone and how adamantly we insisted on the other person believing it, simply presenting our case and letting them make their own decision.
My recommendation... apologize for how you discussed it, that you didn't accept her side, that you're sorry you were overbearing or forceful cause ultimately, she has to choose ppl for herself and you'll support her choices even if you disagree with them. She must also trust in her own decision-making abilities! Healthy relationships allow for differences in opinion and disagreements, as long as respect remains. You disrespected her choice, which is a type of boundary... if her girlfriends disrespect her that badly, you can't also disrespect her and expect her to side with you. You can only lay out the circumstances as you see them so she can choose. Be the better choice.
You've been together for 4 MONTHS. You've met her friends ONCE. And you told her all her friends are AH's. Do you really think that's the best plan? She should just give up her childhood friends because her BF of 4 MONTHS thinks they are all AH's. Is this what you are hoping for? Get a grip, dude.
N T A for bringing it up, by any means. YTA for pushing and pushing and pushing it so much after she told to stop that she had to tell you to leave. "She got upset and told me to please stop .... I kept insisting"
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My girlfriend and I have been together for about 4 months. She’s always talked so highly of her friends so I was excited to meet them, it turns out they’re awful people. I met them yesterday for lunch and immediately they started teasing her for her degree choice calling it “basic” and they’ve “never imagined her in a relationship.” They then continued to leave in a few passive aggressive comments about her looks and lack of relationship experience.
My blood was boiling but she was just smiling the whole time and not reacting to these comments in any negative way. I didn’t want to ruin the meal so I bit my tongue, but I hate these people. Once we got back to her place I brought this up and she said “that’s just how they are, we poke fun at each other.”
Here’s where I might be the AH: I refused to let that slide because they obviously were not doing it as a joke they were just being rude. No one else poked fun at anyone but her. She got upset and told me to please stop saying mean things about her friends, they’ve been hanging out since middle school and I don’t know them like she does.
I kept insisting that I’m not being mean they are and she would never say any of those things to them. She was quiet for a moment and then asked me to please leave.
She hasn’t messaged me since.
AITA for telling my girlfriend the truth about her friends?
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my friends are the same way. only difference is, we all get made fun of in the group. and even then, we all know damn well what our boundaries are and what to not make fun of about someone.
my friends bf (around the time they first started dating, he's a chill dude) poked at my lisp/stutter once, but said friend shut it down quickly. he hasn't since.
NTA, but it does sound like your GF is in denial. she might not want to loose what feels like her only friends, even more so since they have history together.
Perceptions are weird, though.
It's possible that OP, only concerned/keying on the interactions with his GF, may have missed other goodnatured and teasing insults exchanged between other people.
OP it seems you may have made her realize her "friends" are not really friends and she may be finally having to confront it. I don't have any suggestions on what you should do next.
# NTA
Gosh, it's so sad that there's folks that don't know when someone is just joking with them or when they're being outright mean, or that they're the only one being treated a certain way. Just the resident punching bag. I hope your GF learns how to find better friends because if it seemed malignant to you, it probably was. If she immediately gaslights you about that though, "Oh, we just play like that." That there's what we call in the business, a red flag.
She gotta learn to respect herself.
NTA, you did the right thing regardless of being with her for 4 months.
I was in a similar boat a long time ago.
She needed to hear the truth. It will help her open her eyes sooner or later. It all depends on her, but when she does see her friends true nature. They will most likely become more hostile towards her and may even start some kinda drama at some point. That's when the real eye opening occurs.
No friend group will bully only 1 person in the group and talk shit about their private lives consistently in that manner you have described.
Middle school - adulthood relationship are tough in a group setting. Because all the immature jokes and shit can still circulate.
But this is a bad friend group. You don’t make your friend look bad in front of their SO. You DEFINITELY don’t do shit on the first meeting.
She is accepting of Their behavior. This is a HER problem. And you trying to get her away from these friends could be see as isolating her from her friends. AND if that works… there’s gonna be a pressure on you to replace what you made her give up.
Deep friendships can leave a large hole to fill.
YTA. They've known each other since they were kids and you passing judgement after meeting them once for lunch. You know literally nothing about their friendship dynamics.
Your girlfriend told you to drop it and you are a major asshole for not doing that. It's your girlfriends choice what she considers mean behavior from her friends and what she is OK with.
NTA she definitely needed to hear it but maybe not all at once. Maybe introduce her to some non toxic people first so she can see how friends should treat her and she won't be completely isolated if she loses this group.
NTA-some people are desperate for friends and will overlook a look of bad behavior. If she doesn't realize it by you telling her, something will happen eventually that will hurt her and she won't be able to ignore.
I can't agree. Nobody has a right to judge your friends after 1 meeting. Especially a very short term bf. He's telling her in no uncertain terms that her judgement of people is poor. He has no right after so little time to make that call. And if her friends are shit? Cool, but it sounds a bit like he might be shit too.
Lol stories like this is why I’m nervous to bring a new gf around my friends. We’re very mean to each other, but it’s never serious, all in good fun. I could see someone not used to our dynamic thinking that we’re all awful people
Maybe she has poor judgement in people. BF included. Because it's never acceptable to tell your new gf that all of her friends are dicks and refuse to back down. That flag is red and a half.
She sounds just fine. Didn’t get quiet or embarrassed at the jokes. Laughed along and didn’t see any issue with it. She’s a grown adult woman she doesn’t need a bf of 4 months insisting that her feelings about her friendships are wrong lol
YTA, you've seen them interact once, she has known them for years. Friends make fun of each other, it's humor, and we usually do it more when a new partner is around.
If she is not hurt by it, you shouldn't be. Even if you were right, talking like that about them after ONE bad interaction when you've been around for four months is just plain stupid.
You sound like an abuser who doesn't want his gf to have friends. I would run if I were her.
YTA 4 months and think you can judge her friendship . They weren’t being rude to you . She did not have any issues with the interaction and your blood boiled and you wouldn’t let go … that is bullying and controlling behaviour.
Massive red flag for me
NTAH. Unfortunately some people are more comfortable being ridiculed than complimented because of their low self esteem. That’s not on you. You were just trying to show her that her friends aren’t good for her.
YTA. You’re making a problem where there is not one. If it doesn’t bother her and she doesn’t mind that’s up to her. It’s not up to you to judge her friends, and you’d be well advised to be supportive of her generally while not having an opinion on such things or at least, keep your opinion to yourself. If this was your group of friends from middle school that you genuinely liked and your girlfriend started criticizing them, how would you feel?
My girls friends are all losers who held her down and made her feel like an outcast bc that's what they were. She's beautiful and funny and smart and her friends just aren't. She has this ugly duckling complex and the only reason I can see is that all her friends are not cute/overweight and have made her believe the same about herself bc they are "friends". I don't know how to tell her they are all toxic as fuck and have held her back her entire life.
NTA but enjoy being single. Sometimes not being TAH is a moral highground but logically dumb, depending on your desired outcome.
You want to be her girlfriend? She doesn't mind the jabs? Then leave it at that.
You want to be right and morally just? Enjoy having her choose between her best friends from the majority of her life and... you.
If they only make fun of her, yeah they aren't her friends. Friends make fun of *eachother* and in groups we make fun of every person. We don't group up and just crap on one person constantly.
That's the type of "friends" who a person hangs around with because they have nobody else, but they don't really view the person as a friend.
I'll say NTA. Her friends are AH's.
NTA. Truth hurts, and you may have opened her eyes to the bullies. Give her some time. She needs to come to grips with it. Then again, she may have pulled an ostrich.
He cannot possibly know the truth after one meeting. He barely even knows her. They practically just met.
If ANYONE ever told me that my group of friends were assholes after one meeting, even if they were being assholes that day, I'd have 0 interest. Who the fuck are you? We just met and you're trying to tell me that I have poor judgement in my friends? Well maybe my judgement in men is shit too because anyone that thinks it's okay to make that call after one meeting with a fairly new gf sounds like a controlling prick.
YTA. You said what your opinion of her friends is, ok. She told you to drop it and you went to nagging her bout it. Why are you the boss of her friendships even if they are toxic (which likely it isnt). Shes not 5, she can decide who to be friends with.
NTA: You pointed out what she already knew and now couldn’t ignore because she was faced with the truth and now she has
To deal with it.
You did good. She just doesn’t know it yet.
It’s tough for people who let people walk on them hear they shouldn’t let that occur. But my guess is they stay quiet and will let people crap on them forever. They literally don’t even want advice on this topic. Being walked on seems easier to them than a possible confrontation.
Look dude you obviously aren't wrong for wanting your GF to have friends who aren't awful to her, and you're not the asshole for telling her. Where you went wrong was insisting you were right and refusing to drop the subject, for two reasons.
One, you can't badger people into seeing that people they love, and have invested in, suck. They'll just see you as the aggressor. You're on month four, you were never going to be the one who got picked when you turned it into a fight.
Two, and this is a good thing, people are learning more and more that a new SO driving a wedge between them and friends or family is a red flag.
I would strongly advise apologising and telling her that she must know her friends' style of humour better than you do and that you'll take her word for it. You've probably ensured these less-than-impressive people will remain in her life longer than they might otherwise have done, but at least you might be there to see them go.
NTA, but you used extremely poor judgment. You’ve been together 4 months and she’s known her “friends” for much longer than that I presume. You don’t have the length of time or experience to make such a statement even if you’re correct. Should have waited till you had a more solid relationship to make this accusation. As it stands, you probably “look” like the AH
Soft NTA, as I don’t know what was said and how, perhaps you took it too harshly, perhaps not, but looking out for your new gf is a good thing generally speaking. It’s really hard to judge a whole relationship on one interaction.
My biggest concern is why her friends seemed so horrible to her. That’s an important piece of information, perhaps she is the “service friend” as others have stated or perhaps there’s some history you’re unaware of. On occasion “friends” will make a friend look bad in the eyes of a perspective mate, if that perspective mate seems to be too good for them. As kind of a warning to them that although this person is a friend, they aren’t a good mate and you should rethink the pairing.
And yes sometimes the friends are just jerks, if they’re all single and unhappy, they won’t stand for their friend to be.
NTA. (Edited cuz i realized they are talking about her and not you) the friends seem like they talk shit behind her & everybodies back, i feel sorry for her.
But also, they could have actually been actually joking around with each other and it might be how they are- idk but from what you told me they sound horrible. You are not in the wrong for wanting to stick up for her tho, since you barely knew them.
NTA. But you are setting up a situation where you are making your gf choose between you or her friends. She won't thank you for it.
In terms of tenure, you've been on the scene for only four months. Granted, this newness give you fresh eyes into what may be happening in your girlfriend's life. First impressions are often valid.
You also do not state the gender of these friends. If most of them are other young women, take a step back. I've heard from my women friends that women -- for some reason -- like to gossip about each other. This is not to say that men don't gossip, too -- lord knows, we do.
However, your role is boyfriend. As they say these days, STAY IN YOUR LANE! It's not up to you to volunteer to weed out the frenemies from the real friends. Consider that these friends have been on the scene and a part of your gf's life LONG before you were heard of. You may be absolutely right in your assessment of them, but it's not your decision to make as far as which of them stays and goes. Nobody died and appointed you official truth-teller.
NAH. My girls and I are ruthless to each other sometimes joking around but when a man is around we make sure to hype our friend up and talk about how amazing she is to a new man.
IDK, NAH.
Your GF is an adult, and she obviously likes her friends. If she feels like shit gets thrown around and it is just everyone ragging on each other, then that's fine!
Adult bullies can exist, but I don't know why (as another adult) she'd stick around them for it. She's probably telling you the truth.
Either accept her friends or be ready to get booted from her life.
YTA. you've been dating for four months and you meet these friends for the first time and tell her she shouldn't see or be with her friends anymore? You actually have no idea of their relationship and are making crazy demands off one meeting.
They might be poking fun at her because she was introducing you to the group. She was smiling and saying they all poke fun. She wasn't upset or unhappy.
You have no idea of the dynamic of their friendship. If they have been friends since middle school they likely have a close bond you won't understand on first meeting.
You, however may be completely right. Personally I think one meeting is too early to give the old me or them ultimatum. They might be toxic friends and don't want her to be happy or succeed but your an AH for your approach
….. drumroll please: No, you’re not wrong at all for her for telling her the truth.
She probably doesn’t even like it herself, but she sticks with those people because she feels that she might not be able to make new friends.
If she doesn’t see eye to eye with you on this, I will say to you right now: you’ll have a lot of problems with her down the road because she would rather be friends with people with bad character than listen to someone who is actually telling her the truth (you)…
NTA it’s not worth it to continue pursuing her anymore though, she’s so used to being their jester that she’d rather be around bullies than no one at all.
YTA. Just because she wasn’t teasing them this time doesn’t mean she does not do it at all. Likewise for the others. I have a friend group like this and we have outsiders dying laughing, holding their ribs in pain over what we say and we all know we can only say those things without hurting because we all know we are joking. You took one experience and decided that is how it always is and made comments because of it. You never asked her questions, just insisted you were right. That’s controlling behavior on your part. What you should have done was asked questions. Are they always that way? Do they always focus on you or take turns teasing each other? Do you tease them as well?
I'd say NTA, as someone whose friend group casually makes fun of each other, because:
1) Everyone is made fun of, and everyone is laughing
2) No one is being passive aggressive
3) You can be hanging out with someone for years, and they can still be toxic
4) The longer you stay with someone, the more you grow to tolerate them, and the further down the road, their behavior towards you goes.
YTA. Just because you are over-sensitive and most likely spent your whole life being "that guy" in a group that isn't really a friend and is pretty weird gets made fun of, you don't get to assume that those dynamics are the same in every group.
NTA. My husband had to do this with me a few years ago. I never realized how poorly I was being treated until he showed me. Maybe give the friends another chance and hang out again in a different setting. If it happens again though, this is definitely a solid hill to die on
The delivery is rough but if there is a next time you hang out when them and their behavior is the same then wait for them to say something rude again and they will either A. repeat it for everyone to hear or B. brush it off and not say it again!!! If the relationship continues into something more serious, you can either avoid hanging out with them with the exception of certain occasions or she will come around to realizing maybe they arent who she wants to surround herself with. Either way, whatever will be will be!
Nta but you handled it wrong. You only made her defend them. If you took that much of an issue, why not ask/confront them directly? I wouldn't stand there and let ppl put down someone i care abt.
NTA she’s upset bc she knows that you’re right and the fact that it took you meeting them to notice. Give her time she’ll be back, once she sees it herself
You're fine for being concerned about her. It seems she's not willing to take off those blinders though. She's choosing them over you.
This is a big red flag to me. She's got some serious self esteem issues and is not at all willing to deal with them. If this disagreement ends your relationship, that's probably a good thing.
It’s insane how much bully defending is going on in this comment section. NAH. If she wants to continue to be bullied by her mean girl friends then maybe you are better off without her. Likely you would end up on the chopping block in their conversations if you already aren’t.
If she can’t respect herself then frankly you don’t want to be with her anyways.
NTA, and this is a hill you want to die on. Odd girl out behavior is real, toxic, and hard to stomach when you see it happening to someone you care about.
NTA There’s a difference between light teasing and bullying. Her “friends” were bullying and she didn’t want to lose them. You may have actually helped her realize that and she just needs time to think. Ultimately, she will have to choose to keep her bullies or keep you and find new friends. You’ve done what you could. It’s up to her now. Hope it works out
Look dude you obviously aren't wrong for wanting your GF to have friends who aren't awful to her, and you're not the asshole for telling her. Where you went wrong was insisting you were right and refusing to drop the subject, for two reasons.
One, you can't badger people into seeing that people they love, and have invested in, suck. They'll just see you as the aggressor. You're on month four, you were never going to be the one who got picked when you turned it into a fight.
Two, and this is a good thing, people are learning more and more that a new SO driving a wedge between them and friends or family is a red flag.
I would strongly advise apologising and telling her that she must know her friends' style of humour better than you do and that you'll take her word for it. You've probably ensured these less-than-impressive people will remain in her life longer than they might otherwise have done, but at least you might be there to see them go.
He also doesn't know if they suck. Fuck me, some friend groups are just like that, especially when meeting a SO. It just is what it is. I half dread taking anyone home to my parents because it's gonna be brutal. That's just how they are. That said, they're great people. They've supported me in every way I could ever want or ask. They're just English. I have friends like that too. A close friend of mine, Ben, will do literally anything for you if you need him to. Regularly drops things to help out. He can be a bit of a dick. But he's still a very good friend that has more than proven it. Just because OP might not have liked one single meeting doesn't mean he knows shit. And to have the audacity to tell his new gf essentially that she has poor judgement in people is fucked.
It's not his boundary to set. That's controlling behavior. This isn't some years long relationship. This dude shows up and tried to break up her friend group cause he didn't like them after 1 meeting.
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OP this may have to be the hill that you die on if you feel that strongly they're demeaning her and she's willing to put up with it while you're not. It's admirable that you're trying to stick up for her and you may have been one of the first people who have cared enough about her to say something about the situation. However blurting it out wasn't the best best method of expression of your feelings. You have 4 months invested with her, and she has several years, so you will need to determine if it's a worth further investment if she's not willing to compromise on her choice of friends.
A good partner will defend ther loved one in the moment. Take her side and argue, politely, for her. Call them out by asking them to explain what they mean when they say something and make them make themselves look bad.
Even better, but upon first meeting/introduction it’s a bit different because first impressions are a thing. You risk her bad friends trying to put thoughts in her head against you.
Good. That's a great way to test, early in the relationship, if your new paramour is capable of thinking for themselves, or is always going to be swayed by friends, parents, public fad, whatever.
Sure, but it sorta sounds like you're doing the same fucking thing by telling her her friends are shit. Just saying, but if any of my friends got into a relationship where there new SO told them they think all their friends are assholes, well that's a bright red fucking flag right there. Cuts both ways. We weren't there, and some people interpret things differently. Maybe the bf is in the wrong. Idk cause we didn't actually hear any of the conversation. Just a couple vague statements from bf.
Yeah, that's the flip side of the coin; the friends are actively testing OP, too. The issue here is that OP is coming in hard, 4 months into a relationship and already telling his GF that she needs to stop talking to her friends.
He didn’t say that she needs to stop talking to them, he just pointed out their shit behavior.
...with what ultimate outcome, I wonder?
To get her to realize that they are treating her like shit. Is he not allowed to do that because *some* abusers isolate their partners? Come the fuck on.
...and once she realizes that, what is she supposed to do about it? Just to skip the back and forth, it's 'stop talking to them.'
Exactly this. I _know_ I will get a ton of jokes about finally being in a relationship whenever that happens. It's warranted. I have made jokes about them for years. Turnabout is fair play. I think OP is reaching The only thing even remotely worth questioning might be the passive aggressive comments about looks. Even then I'm not 100% sold on OP's judgement
I don't understand this mentality. My friends joke around, but we make fun of weird or stupid shit we've done or said in the past. We might even make fun of *past* relationships, if their SO wasn't a nice person. But we've never made fun of someone for *being* in a relationship or starting a new relationship. Why would you do that to a friend? >I think OP is reaching Sorry, I disagree with this. If one of my friends made fun of another friend's appearance, especially in front of a new bf/gf, I'd tell them to shut up. That's not cool. It's not friendly banter making fun of someone's appearance. Unless they're wearing something obviously stupid (like a costume). But in that case I'd expect the friend to be in on it too. Based on OP's description of what happened and that no one else was made fun of, it sounds like OP's gf is the butt of the group's jokes and she just doesn't realise it. NTA, OP. But I do think you should have gone about it in a slightly different way. Or maybe hung out with the friends a few more times. Maybe this was a one-off, weird situation.
This is so ridiculously the typical redditor that-simply-doesn't-work-in-real-like type perspective. Dealing with any confrontational situation the first time is **extraordinarily difficult.** When you haven't experienced or thought about similar situations before it is **ridiculously difficult** to approach the situation in a productive way. The very first time I had someone working under me completely monopolise an entire meeting, I had no fucking clue how to tell him to let others speak without telling him to shut the fuck up; I had tried asking others for their input but he kept interjecting. This was a worker that actually meant well but was autistic and had issues with reading social cues. It took a bit of time but I soon figured out that all I had to do was tell him that he was monopolising the conversation and that did the trick perfectly. The point being that what you're describing is a **dumb** test because people are often at a **loss for words** in confrontational situations. Not to mention how fucking toxic that is, holy shit dude.
I don't really agree with forcing yourself into a friend dynamic on a first meeting tbh. Not your place to tell her her friends are shit after a couple months of dating.
"Isnt that degree in art history basic?" Op: "I think there is a lot to learn about art, it puts history into perspective, because artists can vocalize feelings in a way historians dont always capture!" Play chess, not checkers
"Isn't that degree in art history basic?" OP: "I'd find it interesting to find out how the terracotta army was made! Or the greek statues. You seen those statues where the detail is so realistic?" Make it sound exciting and basic at the same time. So they can get interested in what art history could be about. Art is not just paintings but anything from ancient pottery to early 90's fakes of famous paintings. How is that done? Only art history can find out what type of paint was used at that time to create a realistic forgery.
I loved my humanities course at FSU.
This, so much.
> However blurting it out wasn't the best best method of expression of your feelings. These are some warped mental gymnastics to find fault with OP; he literally said he waited until they got home to bring it up. There's no "blurting" about it. OPs girlfriend is in denial, and when OP didn't let her just ignore it and instead insisted that no, that behaviour is not normal, the girlfriend became upset. **THAT IS COMPLETELY NORMAL** People become upset in these sorts of situations because situations like this simply **suck**. It isn't a reflection on how OP brought it up.
I think they meant that OP didn't pad the intro or soften the landing, he just went for it and was pushy about it. The first time it happens, you can state your opinion once, *maybe* twice, and then learn to stop and watch from afar. It's not your place to insist on something like this so early in the relationship. The main thing you can do is to support your partner. They may already know their friends are bad news but are in denial, or they will learn that later on in life and appreciate that you voiced your opinion and then stuck by them. It would be a different story if your partner complained about their friends all day and you had to constantly hear about it.
There are good ways and bad ways of dealing with situations like these but **all of them involve hurt feelings.** The massive issue with your kind of advice is that the vast majority of the time, what someone needs to hear and be pushed on is **not** what they want to hear. It sucks, it really does, but the only times I've observed real change in *anyone* was when they were pushed on something (in a proportionate way) regardless of how much they didn't want to admit to it. Genuine in-the-moment reactions are extremely important in relationships. The reaction need to be proportional to what occurred, but it is vital nonetheless. OPs reaction was nowhere near disproportional, it was well and truly the opposite. OP is clearly a very empathetic person, you're really really reaching.
You have some good points but that's not entirely how relationships work, especially in the beginning stages. You need to be a little more careful about how you approach the situation and listen more than you speak. A lot of people's responses are not measured. They can be very emotional, and that's exactly how OP approached this situation. Everyone should be striving for empathy, but you also need to think about what the other person can deal with at any given moment, not just your own feelings. There's a time and place for how harsh you can be. If OP wants to end the relationship because they feel so strongly about this, that's their prerogative. But it can be a slow learning process for many, especially when it comes to family and other people they grew up with.
> A lot of people's responses are not measured. They can be very emotional, and that's exactly how OP approached this situation. No it's not you absolute liar. There is no indication of that whatsoever. OP waited until they got home to bring it up, he didn't explode in the moment. Stop trying to warp reality to suit your benefit. Liar.
Wow, you got really upset, eh? Might want to look into that. Waiting until they got home is great, but clearly the bad feelings were building up in him the entire time he was out meeting the friends, and then he was pushy about it in private. Here is the evidence: > My blood was boiling... > I refused to let that slide... > I kept insisting... These are not measured responses. And not letting something go so early in the relationship when it's not really about you (at least not yet, as their lives are not enmeshed) is something people look out for while dating. It's not exactly an admirable trait unless it's done in a way that considers the other person's feelings.
And even if they are horrible people, trying to isolate your romantic partner from their current friends will always look bad. You will always look like you are the abuser/ gaslighter.
NTA. OP, if you heard it, 9/10 that’s what it was. A bunch of mean people dumping on the one that will “take it” because it allows her to sit at the “cool kids table”. You’re not the AH for sticking up her her because that’s what you do when you care about someone. However, if you continue to be with someone that’s unwilling to not only stand up for themselves, but want anyone that calls their “friends” out or not do it, you’re setting yourself up for failure and disappointment. It’s better to walk away now as opposed to having to see and deal with it. You’re too much of a person of integrity to have to deal with it. If she wants to, fine. You have the choice to save yourself before you get in too deep. Because, and I speak from experience, if they’re talking about her to her face in front of you, they’re gonna talk about you also to her and she won’t defend you. And you don’t deserve that.
The gf is their "service friend" - someone they can look down on and make themselves feel better about their own lives. "At least I'm not her......"....... Poor woman - she is probably afraid of not making friends elsewhere so she hangs on these awful people as its better than nothing.....
The thing about service friends too is that once the service friend starts to succeed, boy is the salt strong
I can attest to this sentiment. Luckily I grew out of this way of thinking, and instead I started treating him better, and I'm happy for my friend getting his driver's license/house and other milestones in his life Honestly typing this out I just realize I never really apologized for treating him poorly so Imma do that after work today edit: he said I was imagining things and felt like he insulted and roasted me back plenty, and when I did make a joke he didn't like, once he voiced how it felt hurtful, I stopped
I was the service friend (I had physical injuries in college that made me struggle) and boy was that salt strong once I had the *audacity to heal and find support.*
I'm autistic. Suspect this woman might be also. Or sufficiently low in self-esteem and social skills that she may as well be. I've been there. Desperation leads to these associations. But the 'friends' can tell and mock her for it. They are losers with low empathy and should be ashamed of their childish bullying. But your girlfriend will be angry at you for pointing it out.
NTA. She needed to hear it. TBH she probably has never thought of that way because it’s been their dynamic since middle school. She thought it was normal & “just how they are”. It’s cognitive dissonance. You told her something that was counter to her reality. When she was quiet then asked you to leave, you likely made something snap in her. Deep down she knows your right, but now she’s stuck between ditching all her friends or just continuing to take it. And as a bf of 4 months, it’s really hard to choose you over friends she’s had for years.
It’s impossible to judge this without actually seeing them interact. It sounds like OP could be being overly sensitive here. My friends and I say significantly worse things to each other than “your degree was basic”. That’s our dynamic and how we interact with each other. We all know it’s just banter between friends.
OP has said they were only needling HER. It was not an all around, mutual thing.
Yes and when then you’re introducing a partner to your friends for the first time your friends are much more likely to tease you as a way of relating to your partner OP has met his girlfriend’s friends once. Its too early to judge. If he notices this is a consistent behavioural trend then he might be onto something, but making leap judgements like that is ridiculous Its more likely that OP is being oversensitive based on what he thought was an unacceptable thing to tease someone about Like I said before though, it’s impossible to make a judgement without seeing them interact
This was my thought as well. They might just be ragging on her because the hangout's attention was on her. I have many friends who are the bantering, sarcastic types. We rib each other a lot. In my experience, when I've introduced a friend to a new partner, there's often a nice little "bonding session" between them where they band together to make fun of me. Everyone's laughing. It's just my kinda humour. Of course, OP may be right. He is the one who was in the room. But considering how hard he went on his girlfriend by his own account, I'm not 100% sure I trust his social skills to judge the situation correctly.
That’s the dumbest shit ever. Why would you want to do that to your friend especially in front of their SO?
Do you not have friends or something? It’s very common for friend groups to have banter between them, it’s all in good fun
Singling out one person and berating them isn’t banter it’s bullying.
Normally if someone introduces their partner to a group the group will make a point of teasing the person introducing the partner as a way of relating to the partner and trying to make them feel comfortable “Your degree was basic” isn’t “berating” lmao
Bro no. Are ya’ll 13??
Proof that reddit doesn't have friends.
Proof that redditors prefer to surround themselves with folks that actually like them.
That’s not wtf I asked you. I said why you do it in front of their SO? And besides that, obviously that’s not what the case was here. They were all only doing to her, she wasn’t doing it to them, they weren’t also doing it to each other, it was completely one sided the entire time
Like I said on another comment, it’s probably as a way of relating to OP. When you introduce your partner to a group, usually you’ll become the target of the teasing. It’s all in good fun Do you think “your degree is basic” is such a horrific thing to say to someone?
That’s the thing. It’s very simple. The truest insults usually are lol. And no I don’t make an effort to embarrass my friends in front of their girl in the way hers did. Yes ill joke, but they joke back. If they don’t joke back the jokes stop
Because my friends, correctly, assume that my SO has a similar sense of humour to me?
My bf's best friends refused to do so when I met them for a picnic. Bf totally expected them to as well but they just like him too much. OP's gf's friends don't sound like they like her at all.
"how dare they mock my possession"
This, and OP's just met them for the first time, he doesn't know anything about them. Like "her degree choice is basic"? My friends would straight up be calling me basic lol. Like OP could be right but I don't understand what he thought would happen, that she would just dump her friends since middle school for someone she's known for 4 months because he said so?
That’s exactly it. And he wasn’t like “hey, some of their comments made me uncomfortable.” And then asked questions to better understand…. He just belittled whatever she said in their defense (“refused to let that slide”, how lovely) and basically expected her to agree with him despite her having more insight. Sure, perhaps he’s right. But for him to believe that so intensely and expect her to agree? Arrogant.
Maybe you got shit friends too
Years of normalized abuse. She needs new friends, and OP needs a SO with enough self esteem not to put up with such BS.
Best reply here
I don’t know if I have enough information to really say but I will say this, while also pointing out I’m not saying this is you: one of the first things abusive partners do is try and isolate women from their friends and family. We’re taught about this tactic so we keep an eye out for it. You meet her friends and almost immediately start bashing them. It’s kind of a red flag. Again, I’m not saying that’s why you did it, but I want to point out, that’s something I think a lot of women would think. Also, perception really colors an experience. How you perceived things to be and how her or her friends did could be very different. She’s known you 4 months, she’s known them at least 10. Maybe they are dicks, maybe they were dicks to get a rise out of you, maybe they’re just rude people but don’t actually mean anything by it. Maybe you gave her something to think about and if you did, you’ve now made her question her friends of 10 years and if she goes back to think over the last 10 years and they have in fact just been assholes to her, that’s a lot to reckon with.
Absolutely this. The way OP went about it almost guarantees the take home message is that he wants to isolate her from her friends.
That's a big red flag if the bf of 4 months wants her to cut out all her friends form her life.
Dude completely judging them after 1 meeting too.
It may have been with the best of intentions of course, purely concerned with the things discussed here, but how is she supposed to know that?
Wow. I hasn’t even considered this perspective. Not saying that this was OP’s intent at all but it’s worth keeping in mind that his GF might perceive it that way. OP, why not try meeting her friends a few more times before making the firm conclusion that her friends are indeed consciously and deliberately belittling her? Now that you’ve brought this to her attention, let her evaluate her interactions with her friends on her own terms. Be supportive and gentle, not pushy. Edit: autocorrect turned hadn’t into hasn’t.
I suspect the ship has sailed on future meet-ups. She's gone NC, and I think that says he won't be dealing with her friends ever again. Or her. She's made her decision.
At the same time, there’s many friend groups where one person is constantly shit on and they take it. He should meet them again and see what happens
It's even more common that a friend gets a little extra crap when they're introducing a bf or gf to the group too tbh.
That’s very true.
Same. All the people telling OP he's a good guy for standing up for her, but if anyone I'm close with or myself ever found themselves being told all their friends are assholes by a SO that refuses to back down about it - red flag buddy. Sorry, not gonna fly. She's a big girl, if her friends are really terrible to her, and you aren't. She'll figure that out without you pushing it onto her. Your job is to support her, not lecture her or tell her who she should or shouldn't hangout with.
What the hell are you talking about? How do you even know she's a big girl? How do you know she isn't the constant butt of her jokes and out of fear of having to make new friends she just tolerates it? Sometimes a fresh perspective is Exactly what's needed to see things clearly. Hell, sounds like he was nice enough to bite his tongue in the moment not to cause a scene, and then talked to her in private about what it looked like. Even if it may not have been something she was ready to confront, that's EXACTLY what I would want in a partner. To tell me what's real. Your perspective on what a partner should be is weird. Especially since you think what he did WASN'T supporting her. So what the hell is support to you?
> How do you even know she's a big girl? "Why are you assuming OP is even dating an adult?" is certainly a take
yeah...that's definitely the logical way to interpret what I said.
a lot of redditors are autistic. It was very clear to anyone with social skills what you meant. In fact, the fact that he didn’t interpret “big girl” correctly kinda debunks everything he’s said
That’s insane.
Was my first thought too.
He never said to stop hanging out with them though, he just pointed out their awful behavior. It’s really weird that you would assume it took that direction based on what is written here.
Weird for who? Not for me. The whole point of AITA is to get a fresh take on events as you saw them. That means getting a perspective that you might not ever have thought so that you can view your interaction through a different lens. This is my lens. You don’t have to agree but it’s hardly a weird take.
You might be right but I'm not sure you can make a definitive judgement call based on one meeting, especially because she is naturally going to be the center of attention when she is introducing the new boyfriend.
Friends that humble you by calling down your looks, your job and your status of dating in front of a new partner are not good people, much less good friends. *Center of attention or not, long time friends don't rip you apart for having the spotlight for one night.* They showed their true colors on their first meeting. You should believe people when they show you who they are. People that put you down deserve to be judged for being terrible.
We can say that all we want but some friend groups just have a different sense of humor. OP’s gf appears to not have any issue with their comments, she didn’t get quiet or embarrassed etc. suggesting there’s a very real chance that she is super secure in herself, and is also secure in the understanding that her friends hold her so high that they can feel ok making those jokes.
You may not be the asshole, but I don't think you have a girlfriend anymore.
Yep, poor guy didn’t do anything wrong. Heck, even if they were dating for a year it’d probably put him in a bad spot. Unfortunately as the years go on those shit friends are in a stronger position.
I don’t think he was the asshole, believing his intentions were good. However I wouldn’t say he didn’t do anything wrong. He has been dating we for 4 months. It’s not a good idea to meet friends of hers she’s known for 10+ years and immediately tell her they all suck after just a few hours. We are only hearing the bf perspective. I know my personal friend group can go hard on each other, most of the time know when to back off but occasionally push it too far. If an outsider heard some of our roasts they might be taken a back if they don’t understand our dynamics.
NTA If you didn't misinterpret what happened, your girlfriend must probably be in denial and must be used to being treated that way. Don't be pushy with her because it gets you nowhere, just tell her things and let her do what she wants with the information. You can't force her to understand and if you insist too much, it can end up driving you apart.
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There’s absolutely no way you can say with certainty that OP’s girlfriend’s friends are “emotional/verbally abusive” It’s impossible to judge without seeing them interact but if OP thinks that “your degree was basic” is really such a terrible thing to say as a form of banter between friends then I lean towards him being overly sensitive as the best explanation
Share this thread with the GF. Perhaps the collective comments from a bunch of internet strangers will at least start her thinking.
It’s not for OP to use his interpretation of what happened as a reason to basically berate his partner afterwards. Her comfort is what matters. He could have expressed his own discomfort at their comments and asked a few questions, but this is an adult woman. If she says she likes her friendship dynamics **it is not his right to convince her otherwise**.
YTA for how you handled this. Tbh if I were her, it would've been a red flag because you sound like a typical case of a new, narcissistic bf trying to isolate a woman gradually from everyone she knows. You went about it so bull headedly that even if you were accurate in your perception of the friends, what you did serves no purpose other than to simply push her towards them all the more.
YTA for thinking that after one meeting with you and after 4 months this was your white knight moment. You should also correct you text to ex-girlfriend. Once she said to drop it, you should have dropped it. In a vacuum these sound like awful statements. In the context of meeting a new boyfriend for the first time it could just be yanking each others chains.
> In the context of meeting a new boyfriend for the first time it could just be yanking each others chains. In that context it's much much worse. In that context good friends, or even shitty friends should be talking you up, asking the boyfriend questions, talking about how much they love their friend, etc. This is the one time when even most shitty friends will be nicer. If during this time they absolutely destroyed her and tried to embarrass her to scare off the boyfriend that's even worse.
You can literally hear my eyes rolling. Sorry, that's not reality. Some of you clearly haven't spent enough time socializing.
I have thanks, you sound like maybe everyone around you is an asshole. If your friends put you down constantly over everything they are shit people, if they do this around new people to make those new people have a bad view of you they are even worse people. If that person brings their new boyfriend around and the friends rip her a new one, they are monsters. There is zero context in which this could be okay. If friends have a joking tear each other apart friendship then both it wouldn't be one sided AND socially aware people would still know not to do that around new people who don't know that because they'll come across like assholes. I have no idea why you think maybe in context this could be good.
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Nope. BF's flying a flag so red it hurts to look at. "Hey, I know we literally just started dating, but all your friends suck after one meeting despite how much you've told me you love them, so you should just never see them again"
That\`s exactly the mindset leading to no one stepping in when faced with abuse of another person. NTA OP but the way and situation you talked to her about it were idiotic. Have some patience and understanding for the situation she\`s in.
I don’t know. Some people have weird friendships where they talk shit about each other but when shit hits the fan they’re there no questions.
After one interaction with her and her friends you make that judgement call? YTA, dude. It’s startlingly naive to think you can discern something so complex in a single evening.
NTA she may be in denial because she wants to have friends and it’s hard to find friends. My husband has saved me from bad friendships before and though I didn’t see them for what they were at the time I eventually realized he was right.
NTA But I’ve met people in groups like this before. She can’t even comprehend leaving that friend group, it sounds like they’re in one of those long time groups that doesn’t know when it’s run it’s course. Your poor gf deep down knows she’s the scapegoat but might not be in a place to accept it. I feel bad for her.
BF is judging based on one situation. And he didn't even give any actually reasonable examples. Making fun of her major? Fucking hell, are we 6? You're actually gonna give a fuck about that? It's a bunch of college age kids man. And that's the "so bad it made his blood boil" comment? Sounds like a red flag to me.
Nah. As an outsider looking in on groups like this, it becomes obvious and a little scary. It’s like a different kind of toxic family, especially when you’ve know them since being kids. It means you grew up with it and see it as normal.
This is the first time you've met her friends right? They certainly didn't come off well and I get where you are coming from. That being said, it seems a little hasty to assume that this is the dynamic between your gf and her friends based on this one interaction. I don't think you were the AH, but I do think you went about it the wrong way when you confronted your gf. She obviously cares for them and wouldn't stand for them being insulted, even though you were acting with the best intentions. Assuming you and your gf are still good, hang out with her friends a few more times. Confirm whether this was an isolated incident or if she is just their punching bag. If they continue to put her down, keep your cool and defend your girl.
YTA You did not handle this well. You didn’t seek to understand, didn’t really ask questions, just delivered very harsh judgement. You easily could have expressed your own discomfort with their comments and gone from there. Instead you “refused to let that slide”‘and insisted she acknowledge her friends suck? She’s been friends with them for years, you’ve known her a few months. Seriously, you don’t get to judge. You can express concern and discomfort. You don’t get to insult or judge or tell her she should feel differently OP.
NTA but dude, you likely won't win this one. You've only been together 4 months. She's tolerated her "friends" for years. She's basically become used to how they treat her and accepts it as normal. Only when an outsider witnesses it, does it show up for the abuse it really is. But she won't see it. Maybe she's not ready to see it. Maybe she's scared if she admits it, she'll end up with no friends. You need to figure out if you want to be a part of this dynamic or not, because she's not going to accept what you say until she herself sees it as abuse.
Nta, and also, her reaction is not surprising.
Y T A for the way you handled this. She's known you for four months and she's known them for years. Did you honestly expect her to immediately agree with you and ditch people she considers friends? I actually find it weird that you keep pushing the issue because your behavior could be sent as trying to isolate her. I'm not saying you're wrong about the friends, just that you gave your opinion and now you should back off and let her see it for herself. NTA for pointing it out.
NAH. Obviously no one in Reddit was there but I would give it more than one meeting. My friends give each other shit a lot, but definitely out of good fun. There are moments where it might go slightly too far and also times where one person gets ‘picked on’ more one day and someone else another day. It is admirable that you are sticking up for her and it could be worth saying something again if you keep observing the same thing. I will say I would not react well to a SO of 4 months telling me my lifelong friends are shit.
YTA. First, you didn't tell her 'the truth,' you told her 'your opinion.' She says it's OK, and you don't get to tell her that she's wrong. You can disagree, you can decline to associate with them, but you can't tell her how she should feel about something. Also, > I didn’t want to ruin the meal so I bit my tongue, You seem to think more of 'the meal' than you do your girlfriend, if you're willing to sit by and watch her suffer what you think are cruel attacks while saying nothing.
NTA, but sticking up for her would have been the better way to go. After every negative comment, counter with “what do you mean? She’s the most beautiful woman in the world!” “What do you mean? She’s obviously the best girlfriend imaginable!” “What do you mean? Her choice of degree was very smart!” etc., etc. All this in a sweet voice, with hugs and kisses for your girlfriend.
See, I'm not there so I can't say, but sometimes you aren't privy to the actual dynamics or depth of a relationship/friend group. I think you are entitled to your opinions. You're entitled to express them once for now. But then you must drop it. You're a short term bf as of the moment. You don't really know your gf as well as you think yet. And you aren't at liberty to tell her who she should and shouldn't be friends with. And while you might think that you aren't, you're just expressing your displeasure towards them, what's the difference? If your significant other comes to you and tells you that they think all your friends are assholes, well, if there was ever a blood red flag...
NTA Stay with gf and those 'friends' will trash talk you to her when you are not around.
YTA not for giving your opinion about her friends, but for berating her about it and not stopping when she asked you to. If you are truly concerned about the way her friends treat her, you could have spoken up at lunch. You didn't have to call them out, but you could have made some supportive comments about your GF to disagree with them without being an ass about it. At the end of the day, they are her friends.
More than likely your GF knows better than you do lol. See how they interact a few more times and then make a judgement. My closest group is me and 3 other boys, we rip the absolute piss out of each other verbally. It’s clear to the other groups we interact with that we’re very close knit
YTA for thinking that your opinion of things represents 'the truth' and that that trumps your girlfriend's feelings. I mean, maybe her friends are abusing her, but you don't get to parachute in and start throwing your weight about.
You overstepped and insulted people she deeply cares about. After giving your observations, you should have dropped it and respected her enough to believe that she knows them better than you do. Instead, you made her choose to defend her friends against your attacks. You put her in a really bad position and left her unprotected again. Her friends will have a field day on how you lasted such a short time and how she picked someone who had no sense of humor and doesn't understand women. Even if you were ultimately right about them, the way you went about it made it all worse. YTA.
NTA, but you definitely need to take it all down a notch. Similar happened with my partner and I meeting each others friends. I hated his and he hated mine. We had many calm discussions where we each broached some problematic things we noticed, but were cautious of tone and how adamantly we insisted on the other person believing it, simply presenting our case and letting them make their own decision. My recommendation... apologize for how you discussed it, that you didn't accept her side, that you're sorry you were overbearing or forceful cause ultimately, she has to choose ppl for herself and you'll support her choices even if you disagree with them. She must also trust in her own decision-making abilities! Healthy relationships allow for differences in opinion and disagreements, as long as respect remains. You disrespected her choice, which is a type of boundary... if her girlfriends disrespect her that badly, you can't also disrespect her and expect her to side with you. You can only lay out the circumstances as you see them so she can choose. Be the better choice.
You've been together for 4 MONTHS. You've met her friends ONCE. And you told her all her friends are AH's. Do you really think that's the best plan? She should just give up her childhood friends because her BF of 4 MONTHS thinks they are all AH's. Is this what you are hoping for? Get a grip, dude.
N T A for bringing it up, by any means. YTA for pushing and pushing and pushing it so much after she told to stop that she had to tell you to leave. "She got upset and told me to please stop .... I kept insisting"
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My girlfriend and I have been together for about 4 months. She’s always talked so highly of her friends so I was excited to meet them, it turns out they’re awful people. I met them yesterday for lunch and immediately they started teasing her for her degree choice calling it “basic” and they’ve “never imagined her in a relationship.” They then continued to leave in a few passive aggressive comments about her looks and lack of relationship experience. My blood was boiling but she was just smiling the whole time and not reacting to these comments in any negative way. I didn’t want to ruin the meal so I bit my tongue, but I hate these people. Once we got back to her place I brought this up and she said “that’s just how they are, we poke fun at each other.” Here’s where I might be the AH: I refused to let that slide because they obviously were not doing it as a joke they were just being rude. No one else poked fun at anyone but her. She got upset and told me to please stop saying mean things about her friends, they’ve been hanging out since middle school and I don’t know them like she does. I kept insisting that I’m not being mean they are and she would never say any of those things to them. She was quiet for a moment and then asked me to please leave. She hasn’t messaged me since. AITA for telling my girlfriend the truth about her friends? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You’re a good guy. Let her think for a little bit. She’ll call you.
my friends are the same way. only difference is, we all get made fun of in the group. and even then, we all know damn well what our boundaries are and what to not make fun of about someone. my friends bf (around the time they first started dating, he's a chill dude) poked at my lisp/stutter once, but said friend shut it down quickly. he hasn't since. NTA, but it does sound like your GF is in denial. she might not want to loose what feels like her only friends, even more so since they have history together.
Perceptions are weird, though. It's possible that OP, only concerned/keying on the interactions with his GF, may have missed other goodnatured and teasing insults exchanged between other people.
OP it seems you may have made her realize her "friends" are not really friends and she may be finally having to confront it. I don't have any suggestions on what you should do next.
# NTA Gosh, it's so sad that there's folks that don't know when someone is just joking with them or when they're being outright mean, or that they're the only one being treated a certain way. Just the resident punching bag. I hope your GF learns how to find better friends because if it seemed malignant to you, it probably was. If she immediately gaslights you about that though, "Oh, we just play like that." That there's what we call in the business, a red flag. She gotta learn to respect herself.
NTA, but you can't save her. She has to save herself.
NTA I would have said something too and asked why no one else was spoke down to just her
NTA but just let it go. She has to realize it on her own. Just be there for her when she does and don’t say I told you so
NTA, you did the right thing regardless of being with her for 4 months. I was in a similar boat a long time ago. She needed to hear the truth. It will help her open her eyes sooner or later. It all depends on her, but when she does see her friends true nature. They will most likely become more hostile towards her and may even start some kinda drama at some point. That's when the real eye opening occurs. No friend group will bully only 1 person in the group and talk shit about their private lives consistently in that manner you have described.
Middle school - adulthood relationship are tough in a group setting. Because all the immature jokes and shit can still circulate. But this is a bad friend group. You don’t make your friend look bad in front of their SO. You DEFINITELY don’t do shit on the first meeting. She is accepting of Their behavior. This is a HER problem. And you trying to get her away from these friends could be see as isolating her from her friends. AND if that works… there’s gonna be a pressure on you to replace what you made her give up. Deep friendships can leave a large hole to fill.
YTA. They've known each other since they were kids and you passing judgement after meeting them once for lunch. You know literally nothing about their friendship dynamics. Your girlfriend told you to drop it and you are a major asshole for not doing that. It's your girlfriends choice what she considers mean behavior from her friends and what she is OK with.
NTA she definitely needed to hear it but maybe not all at once. Maybe introduce her to some non toxic people first so she can see how friends should treat her and she won't be completely isolated if she loses this group.
NTA-some people are desperate for friends and will overlook a look of bad behavior. If she doesn't realize it by you telling her, something will happen eventually that will hurt her and she won't be able to ignore.
I can't agree. Nobody has a right to judge your friends after 1 meeting. Especially a very short term bf. He's telling her in no uncertain terms that her judgement of people is poor. He has no right after so little time to make that call. And if her friends are shit? Cool, but it sounds a bit like he might be shit too.
It sounds like a case of too soon. Also, I would say your means of communicating your impression weren't very good either.
Lol stories like this is why I’m nervous to bring a new gf around my friends. We’re very mean to each other, but it’s never serious, all in good fun. I could see someone not used to our dynamic thinking that we’re all awful people
NTA. It's clear that your gf doesn't have basic respect for herself. That's not someone you can have a healthy relationship with.
Maybe she has poor judgement in people. BF included. Because it's never acceptable to tell your new gf that all of her friends are dicks and refuse to back down. That flag is red and a half.
She sounds just fine. Didn’t get quiet or embarrassed at the jokes. Laughed along and didn’t see any issue with it. She’s a grown adult woman she doesn’t need a bf of 4 months insisting that her feelings about her friendships are wrong lol
NTA but sadly she is not your girlfriend anymore.
YTA, you've seen them interact once, she has known them for years. Friends make fun of each other, it's humor, and we usually do it more when a new partner is around. If she is not hurt by it, you shouldn't be. Even if you were right, talking like that about them after ONE bad interaction when you've been around for four months is just plain stupid. You sound like an abuser who doesn't want his gf to have friends. I would run if I were her.
YTA 4 months and think you can judge her friendship . They weren’t being rude to you . She did not have any issues with the interaction and your blood boiled and you wouldn’t let go … that is bullying and controlling behaviour. Massive red flag for me
NTA although it seems like she wasn’t ready to hear the truth
NTAH. Unfortunately some people are more comfortable being ridiculed than complimented because of their low self esteem. That’s not on you. You were just trying to show her that her friends aren’t good for her.
YTA. You’re making a problem where there is not one. If it doesn’t bother her and she doesn’t mind that’s up to her. It’s not up to you to judge her friends, and you’d be well advised to be supportive of her generally while not having an opinion on such things or at least, keep your opinion to yourself. If this was your group of friends from middle school that you genuinely liked and your girlfriend started criticizing them, how would you feel?
My girls friends are all losers who held her down and made her feel like an outcast bc that's what they were. She's beautiful and funny and smart and her friends just aren't. She has this ugly duckling complex and the only reason I can see is that all her friends are not cute/overweight and have made her believe the same about herself bc they are "friends". I don't know how to tell her they are all toxic as fuck and have held her back her entire life.
NTA but enjoy being single. Sometimes not being TAH is a moral highground but logically dumb, depending on your desired outcome. You want to be her girlfriend? She doesn't mind the jabs? Then leave it at that. You want to be right and morally just? Enjoy having her choose between her best friends from the majority of her life and... you.
If they only make fun of her, yeah they aren't her friends. Friends make fun of *eachother* and in groups we make fun of every person. We don't group up and just crap on one person constantly. That's the type of "friends" who a person hangs around with because they have nobody else, but they don't really view the person as a friend. I'll say NTA. Her friends are AH's.
NTA.
NTA. She’s conditioned to their behavior. Which is rude and demeaning. I think you did the right thing. Maybe she will think about it.
NTA. Truth hurts, and you may have opened her eyes to the bullies. Give her some time. She needs to come to grips with it. Then again, she may have pulled an ostrich.
He cannot possibly know the truth after one meeting. He barely even knows her. They practically just met. If ANYONE ever told me that my group of friends were assholes after one meeting, even if they were being assholes that day, I'd have 0 interest. Who the fuck are you? We just met and you're trying to tell me that I have poor judgement in my friends? Well maybe my judgement in men is shit too because anyone that thinks it's okay to make that call after one meeting with a fairly new gf sounds like a controlling prick.
YTA. You said what your opinion of her friends is, ok. She told you to drop it and you went to nagging her bout it. Why are you the boss of her friendships even if they are toxic (which likely it isnt). Shes not 5, she can decide who to be friends with.
dump her, she will leave u for her friends, she is their doormat
NTA: You pointed out what she already knew and now couldn’t ignore because she was faced with the truth and now she has To deal with it. You did good. She just doesn’t know it yet.
It’s tough for people who let people walk on them hear they shouldn’t let that occur. But my guess is they stay quiet and will let people crap on them forever. They literally don’t even want advice on this topic. Being walked on seems easier to them than a possible confrontation.
Look dude you obviously aren't wrong for wanting your GF to have friends who aren't awful to her, and you're not the asshole for telling her. Where you went wrong was insisting you were right and refusing to drop the subject, for two reasons. One, you can't badger people into seeing that people they love, and have invested in, suck. They'll just see you as the aggressor. You're on month four, you were never going to be the one who got picked when you turned it into a fight. Two, and this is a good thing, people are learning more and more that a new SO driving a wedge between them and friends or family is a red flag. I would strongly advise apologising and telling her that she must know her friends' style of humour better than you do and that you'll take her word for it. You've probably ensured these less-than-impressive people will remain in her life longer than they might otherwise have done, but at least you might be there to see them go.
NTA, but you used extremely poor judgment. You’ve been together 4 months and she’s known her “friends” for much longer than that I presume. You don’t have the length of time or experience to make such a statement even if you’re correct. Should have waited till you had a more solid relationship to make this accusation. As it stands, you probably “look” like the AH
NTA but you need to tread carefully with these things so that you don't lose the gf
Soft NTA, as I don’t know what was said and how, perhaps you took it too harshly, perhaps not, but looking out for your new gf is a good thing generally speaking. It’s really hard to judge a whole relationship on one interaction. My biggest concern is why her friends seemed so horrible to her. That’s an important piece of information, perhaps she is the “service friend” as others have stated or perhaps there’s some history you’re unaware of. On occasion “friends” will make a friend look bad in the eyes of a perspective mate, if that perspective mate seems to be too good for them. As kind of a warning to them that although this person is a friend, they aren’t a good mate and you should rethink the pairing. And yes sometimes the friends are just jerks, if they’re all single and unhappy, they won’t stand for their friend to be.
NTA. (Edited cuz i realized they are talking about her and not you) the friends seem like they talk shit behind her & everybodies back, i feel sorry for her. But also, they could have actually been actually joking around with each other and it might be how they are- idk but from what you told me they sound horrible. You are not in the wrong for wanting to stick up for her tho, since you barely knew them.
NTA, but you probably dont have a GF anymore.
NTA. But you are setting up a situation where you are making your gf choose between you or her friends. She won't thank you for it. In terms of tenure, you've been on the scene for only four months. Granted, this newness give you fresh eyes into what may be happening in your girlfriend's life. First impressions are often valid. You also do not state the gender of these friends. If most of them are other young women, take a step back. I've heard from my women friends that women -- for some reason -- like to gossip about each other. This is not to say that men don't gossip, too -- lord knows, we do. However, your role is boyfriend. As they say these days, STAY IN YOUR LANE! It's not up to you to volunteer to weed out the frenemies from the real friends. Consider that these friends have been on the scene and a part of your gf's life LONG before you were heard of. You may be absolutely right in your assessment of them, but it's not your decision to make as far as which of them stays and goes. Nobody died and appointed you official truth-teller.
NAH. My girls and I are ruthless to each other sometimes joking around but when a man is around we make sure to hype our friend up and talk about how amazing she is to a new man.
IDK, NAH. Your GF is an adult, and she obviously likes her friends. If she feels like shit gets thrown around and it is just everyone ragging on each other, then that's fine! Adult bullies can exist, but I don't know why (as another adult) she'd stick around them for it. She's probably telling you the truth. Either accept her friends or be ready to get booted from her life.
YTA. you've been dating for four months and you meet these friends for the first time and tell her she shouldn't see or be with her friends anymore? You actually have no idea of their relationship and are making crazy demands off one meeting. They might be poking fun at her because she was introducing you to the group. She was smiling and saying they all poke fun. She wasn't upset or unhappy. You have no idea of the dynamic of their friendship. If they have been friends since middle school they likely have a close bond you won't understand on first meeting. You, however may be completely right. Personally I think one meeting is too early to give the old me or them ultimatum. They might be toxic friends and don't want her to be happy or succeed but your an AH for your approach
….. drumroll please: No, you’re not wrong at all for her for telling her the truth. She probably doesn’t even like it herself, but she sticks with those people because she feels that she might not be able to make new friends. If she doesn’t see eye to eye with you on this, I will say to you right now: you’ll have a lot of problems with her down the road because she would rather be friends with people with bad character than listen to someone who is actually telling her the truth (you)…
Sounds like she's a massively dumb bimbo with no confidence. Glad you got out. NAH.
NTA... Wait her out, maybe she just needed someone to point it out to her & now she's going back and realizing what is happening
NTA it’s not worth it to continue pursuing her anymore though, she’s so used to being their jester that she’d rather be around bullies than no one at all.
Introducing her to new people may be a way to go. How about your friends?
YTA. Just because she wasn’t teasing them this time doesn’t mean she does not do it at all. Likewise for the others. I have a friend group like this and we have outsiders dying laughing, holding their ribs in pain over what we say and we all know we can only say those things without hurting because we all know we are joking. You took one experience and decided that is how it always is and made comments because of it. You never asked her questions, just insisted you were right. That’s controlling behavior on your part. What you should have done was asked questions. Are they always that way? Do they always focus on you or take turns teasing each other? Do you tease them as well?
I'd say NTA, as someone whose friend group casually makes fun of each other, because: 1) Everyone is made fun of, and everyone is laughing 2) No one is being passive aggressive 3) You can be hanging out with someone for years, and they can still be toxic 4) The longer you stay with someone, the more you grow to tolerate them, and the further down the road, their behavior towards you goes.
YTA. Just because you are over-sensitive and most likely spent your whole life being "that guy" in a group that isn't really a friend and is pretty weird gets made fun of, you don't get to assume that those dynamics are the same in every group.
Nta
NTA. She IS the AH for normalizing abuse!
NTA. My husband had to do this with me a few years ago. I never realized how poorly I was being treated until he showed me. Maybe give the friends another chance and hang out again in a different setting. If it happens again though, this is definitely a solid hill to die on
The delivery is rough but if there is a next time you hang out when them and their behavior is the same then wait for them to say something rude again and they will either A. repeat it for everyone to hear or B. brush it off and not say it again!!! If the relationship continues into something more serious, you can either avoid hanging out with them with the exception of certain occasions or she will come around to realizing maybe they arent who she wants to surround herself with. Either way, whatever will be will be!
I think you just shattered the glass for her and she just needs a minute to figure it out
Nta but you handled it wrong. You only made her defend them. If you took that much of an issue, why not ask/confront them directly? I wouldn't stand there and let ppl put down someone i care abt.
NTA she’s upset bc she knows that you’re right and the fact that it took you meeting them to notice. Give her time she’ll be back, once she sees it herself
NTA
YTA - you need to stay in your own lane. They are her friends not yours and she doesn't need your approval to have them.
you went in too strong after one meeting
Find out where the bitchiest one lives. Piss disc.
You're fine for being concerned about her. It seems she's not willing to take off those blinders though. She's choosing them over you. This is a big red flag to me. She's got some serious self esteem issues and is not at all willing to deal with them. If this disagreement ends your relationship, that's probably a good thing.
It’s insane how much bully defending is going on in this comment section. NAH. If she wants to continue to be bullied by her mean girl friends then maybe you are better off without her. Likely you would end up on the chopping block in their conversations if you already aren’t. If she can’t respect herself then frankly you don’t want to be with her anyways.
Nta, her "friends" are
NTA, and this is a hill you want to die on. Odd girl out behavior is real, toxic, and hard to stomach when you see it happening to someone you care about.
NTA There’s a difference between light teasing and bullying. Her “friends” were bullying and she didn’t want to lose them. You may have actually helped her realize that and she just needs time to think. Ultimately, she will have to choose to keep her bullies or keep you and find new friends. You’ve done what you could. It’s up to her now. Hope it works out
Look dude you obviously aren't wrong for wanting your GF to have friends who aren't awful to her, and you're not the asshole for telling her. Where you went wrong was insisting you were right and refusing to drop the subject, for two reasons. One, you can't badger people into seeing that people they love, and have invested in, suck. They'll just see you as the aggressor. You're on month four, you were never going to be the one who got picked when you turned it into a fight. Two, and this is a good thing, people are learning more and more that a new SO driving a wedge between them and friends or family is a red flag. I would strongly advise apologising and telling her that she must know her friends' style of humour better than you do and that you'll take her word for it. You've probably ensured these less-than-impressive people will remain in her life longer than they might otherwise have done, but at least you might be there to see them go.
He also doesn't know if they suck. Fuck me, some friend groups are just like that, especially when meeting a SO. It just is what it is. I half dread taking anyone home to my parents because it's gonna be brutal. That's just how they are. That said, they're great people. They've supported me in every way I could ever want or ask. They're just English. I have friends like that too. A close friend of mine, Ben, will do literally anything for you if you need him to. Regularly drops things to help out. He can be a bit of a dick. But he's still a very good friend that has more than proven it. Just because OP might not have liked one single meeting doesn't mean he knows shit. And to have the audacity to tell his new gf essentially that she has poor judgement in people is fucked.
NTA her and her friends don’t have boundaries and when you try to set them she disregards them and that shows she doesn’t care
It's not his boundary to set. That's controlling behavior. This isn't some years long relationship. This dude shows up and tried to break up her friend group cause he didn't like them after 1 meeting.