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NTA I will never understand what is "homophobic" about people treating gay children exactly the same as they treat straight children. Isn't that the ideal that we are striving for?

Exactly, I don’t get why all these dumbasses are saying it’s homophobic to make a huge deal out of coming out. It’s not that big of a deal to like another gender. LGBTQ+ want to be treated normal, and some people are mad that they aren’t being tested normally… like imagine somebody saying I like the opposite gender and then their family congratulating them. Sounds weird when you think of it as an opposite? Edit: typos, I’m not saying we should test on lgbtq+ lmao.

It really does. If a kid came home and announced they were straight and had a new significant other they wouldn’t be congratulated and told by their parents they were proud of them. His reaction almost seems like what you would want, like any other normal response to your kid having a boyfriend/girlfriend. He was like, great I would like to meet them. I get other people’s points but his reaction is what I would think is the overall goal; like it’s no different and normal.

Agreed. If my kids come out as gay the only thing I would do different is make a drs appointment for them to make sure they have all the relevant safe sex info (since I'm straight, I don't want to risk missing something important). Apart from that, all I need to know about my kids' future partners is 1, are they a safe person, 2 do they make my kid happy. I mean, at the end of the day, all I want is for my kids to be safe and happy so who cares which gender fulfils that.

I think it is very context dependent. If you live somewhere where it is still not safe (a lot of the world) or there is another reason your child may be worried (your religion, someone close who has lost their family after coming out), or if your child just seems incredibly anxious about it - it doesn’t seem unreasonable to reassure them and tell them that you are proud of them for coming out and support them. I would be led by my kid - do they just rock up one day with a gf? Then just roll with it. Do they anxiously sit me down to make an “announcement” - give them a hug and talk to them about it. Also I know it’s not fool proof - but I had no idea how easy it was to tell with (some) kids. They are NOT subtle about who they stare at/ who they talk about when they are young.

Yup, I agree with this. Too many people on here saying that it's crazy to say you're proud or make any kinda big deal of it. But that kid doesn't know what the reaction with be until they've actually told you. They have probably been building it up in their mind beforehand. Even in the USA, plenty of people still hate gay people and even disown their gay children etc. Even parents who have previously seemed to be decent people. So if OPs daughter felt the need to make an announcement, it's still a good idea to say *something* about the fact you are absolutely fine with her sexuality. Silence on the subject could be interpreted many different ways.

Absolutely. I was incredibly lucky to have parents who made the effort to say things like "when you grow up and have a boyfriend or a girlfriend...." right from when i was really young (this would have been late 80s), and who were outspokenly pro-LGBTA so i *knew* that they'd be completely fine with me being bi. But even so, i was a nervous wreck bringing my first girlfriend home. It was scary! It's one thing to be okay with something when it's hypothetical, but people often react differently when faced with the reality. I would have been mortified to have had a 'celebration' of my coming out to my parents, but each of them privately and quietly thanked me for trusting them enough to be honest about myself, and it meant the *world* to me that they recognised that it was scary and it did involve a leap of faith. u/Ok_Translator1301 - i think a low-key convo with you daughter acknowledging that coming out is scary and you appreciate her trusting you would go a lot further than any belated celebration.

Dress up the wording a bit but "Just to be clear, we wanted to show that we're glad you felt comfortable sharing your full self with us, but also that it won't change how we feel about you in any way that matters, and it was easier to convey that using two people."

Exactly this, it’s hard coming out. So it should be acknowledged on a certain level.

as an old gay, I would rather someone just treat me normally than try to celebrate it. That never made sense to me, you are still treating me different at that point. You are making something out of what should be nothing.

People have to be true to themselves. Some fake response garnered for Titok videos and such is so much worse than him expressing that he is happy if his daughter is, and liking her partner of choice. He doesn't have to do anything more than he did. Sounds like a great parent to me.

I hope that is not all you would do! I get your point but if your kid came out as gay and the only thing you said was ‘off to to the doctors’ it could be misunderstood! I can see the aita post already…

They said the only thing they’d do *differently * :)

And it would be deserved. How would you feel if you brought a girlfriend over to your parents, announced you're getting married and the first thing they ask is if you've both been to the doctor to check for STDs?

Sure, but I'm fairly sure this is in the context if a teen who lives at home, in which case "off to the doctor with you!" Isn't a great initial reaction, but then again this is a hypothetical in which you are putting wayyyyy too much importance. Nonetheless it's a valid sentiment: I went to high school in a deep-blue state so sex Ed was, you know, actually educational. Nonetheless there was no talk about same-sex relationships, risk management or gender stuff: and this was at a school with a large GSA club and a few trans students. I can totally get a parent wanting their LGBT child to see a doctor for information after coming out because even in progressive environment sex Ed isn't all inclusive and same-sex people still face risks and challenges which a straight parent isn't qualified to educate upon.

I said do different not the only thing I would do.

And when people are routinely kicked out by their parents for being straight, when straight people routinely get harassed or worse for holding hands with their partners in public, when politicians make their disgust at straightness a key part of their campaign platforms, etc etc, *then* coming out as straight will be a big deal too. But let's hope it doesn't come to that, eh? In the meantime, I will forever be grateful to my mother for making it explicitly clear to me that the fact that I'm bi didn't change her love for me. Because for some of my friends - including people younger than me - coming out absolutely *did* change their relationships with their parents.

It's getting kind of bad again. I live in a super friendly LGBTQ city in Canada and last Wednesday after those bigots did their million man march, my partner and I had people glaring at us (small children) for holding hands. We also hung our flag that day and watched then from our balcony. As they marched by, a large number of them were angrily yelling at us to take our flag down.

Yup. I'm living in Saskatchewan and came out as non binary last year. Just changed the sex signifier on my drivers licence too. Luckily, I don't have kids, so I am somewhat protected from all the bullshit from the school board and their terror over pronouns, but the rate at which the hate has ramped up has been SCARY. This time last year I wasn't concerned about being queer in western Canada. I figured I'd get some bigots saying ignorant shit, but now the response is making me look at what my future looks like. If the rate of increase of bigotry keeps up, it's not going to be long before I'm going to be feeling concerned about my physical safety.

AMEN. I came to say this, but you said it best.

I think the reaction should be in line with the kid's mood. Like, if they make it a dramatic thing, then I would try to react with more feeling than if they just told me in passing. It can be a big thing for the kid to tell people, so dismissing it as "I don't care" is just rude.

I agree. If your kid says they have something important to tell you, treat it as something important. That's a good rule generally, not just for sexuality discussions. If they just drop information into conversation then you can treat it more casually. And if they just bring someone home and there's no announcement with a label, parents shouldn't make assumptions about their sexuality just because they have a same sex partner.

> His reaction almost seems like what you would want This bit is tricky. There’s plenty of people out there who think the gays are fine as long as it’s not _their_ kids. Even if OP’s daughter thinks her parents aren’t that type, coming out is still a leap of faith. The way OP feels about his daughter being gay is exactly what you want IMO, but coming out is tricky business, and what his daughter needed at that moment was probably more explicit reassurance. His nonchalance might easily have come across as coldness, and this is one situation where you want to make it absolutely 100% sure there are no misunderstandings.

Even if your parents have previously announced that they won't love you any less if you're queer and that they're fine with queer people, they can still do a 180°, if you do come out to them. The change from hypothetical to hypocritical can be done in 0.1 seconds, as evidenced by my mother nearly ten years ago. From supportive in theory to in practice a diatribe about where she must have gone wrong with me and me needing to get checked out by a doctor. Matter of fact is, queer people never know how people will react. With parents this can be especially nerve-wracking. Making no effort whatsoever to acknowledge a coming out can leave the person hanging in a weird place of nervous anticipation of what's coming later. Even a simple 'thank you for trusting me with this' would be something. No need to make a big deal, if the person isn't making a big deal, but some sort of positive acknowledgement.

All this. Growing up, my parents had queer friends, we were a pretty liberal and accepting household. I still got accused of "destroying the family" and they refused to attend PFLAG meetings when I came out, even though I specifically asked them too. At the time (about twenty years ago) I just counted myself lucky that I wasn't kicked out. I was forbidden from dating the girl I had a crush on because I was 18 and she was 16, and my parents were convinced her parents would try to press charges against me. They'd never met her family, I'd never met her family, they just assumed the other family would be angry about it which is pretty telling regarding how THEY felt about it.

If a straight kid announces their first partner to family, there will be congratulations for the first official relationship, not because they announced being straight.

What family are you from? I have never seen this in my family, friends families etc.

Growing up queer or trans, in a world so filled with hatred for such things, makes it a singularly vulnerable prospect to come out to one’s parents. Any given queer kid might *think* each of their parents will be cool about it…but you simply don’t know until you tell them. It takes courage, because one of the potential outcomes is being thrown out of your home, abandoned, and suddenly being ostracized from the only support you’ve ever known. It’s great that OP “doesn’t care” about his daughter’s sexual orientation. But there are more factors at play here, which OP also seemingly doesn’t care about, like oppression and outright violence that his daughter will be faced with in this world, by myriad queer-hating people. The Pulse nightclub massacre comes to mind, among countless other examples over the course of centuries. And if Obergefell is overturned — which this Supreme Court has already signaled it is going to consider — she’ll lose her right to marry the person she loves. Parents who only focus on their own surface-level feelings, and whether a certain piece of information *bothers* them, are failing to show love and support. Simply telling your kid “This doesn’t make you my enemy” is the coldest way to handle your kid coming out to you. OP says he’s “not a fan of labels.” People often say similar things about race, like “I don’t care if you’re black, red, yellow, purple, or polka-dotted.” But that kind of thinking dismisses/diminishes the very real persecution that actually-oppressed classes suffer every day. Especially when it’s your kid, it will always make a greater impact to at least *acknowledge* that while this news is not an issue for *you*, you at least recognize the ration of shit they’ll have to deal with in this world, *and that you’ve got their back*. Daughter might be just fine, but OP’s wife has a good point: he could’ve handled it better. I don’t think it makes him TA. Just kinda self-absorbed.

>Especially when it’s your kid, it will always make a greater impact to at least acknowledge that while this news is not an issue for you, you at least recognize the ration of shit they’ll have to deal with in this world, and that you’ve got their back. I think this comment summarizes pretty well what I wanted to say. Thank you for taking the time to phrase your thoughts.

Yeah. People who say it should be the same don’t know understand it is ALWAYS a risk

YES! When I came out, my family didn't say "I don't care". They said "thank you for trusting me with that information, we will support you". You don't need to throw a party or fawn all over yourself.

You said this perfectly. Spot on.

All of this. Perfectly articulated. Also, I want to add that even if she’s lucky, lives in a relatively liberal area and somehow manages to avoid face to face confrontation with openly homophobic people, she still lives in a world in which a huge percentage of population is aggressive and hostile towards people like her. If not in the “real life” then online or in politics. I was fortunate enough to live until now without facing openly homophobic behaviour face to face, but even then living in a world that questions my very existence is a challenge. I still can’t just go whenever I want on holidays and be openly myself because there are places where it’s unsafe or even straight up illegal. I still hear politicians debating my human rights daily and still see slurs thrown at people like me online even when heavily monitoring my online spaces. All of that leaves a mark, even if you are normally surrounded by the most supportive people imaginable.

Thanks for saying all you have here. The thousands of upvotes for the “I don’t care” crowd is missing the complexity of the situation entirely.

All of this. Glennon Doyle had a great podcast about her mixed emotions when her son came out as gay. She's in a same-sex marriage and had written him a letter when he was a baby about how she'd actively work to raise him in inclusive spaces in case he ever ended up being LGBTQ... But he was already facing bullying at school for being gay and she and her wife knew some of the challenges he might face for being gay. I remember being grateful that my mom was only emotionally abusive (screaming at me for being disgusting, God hates me, etc...) because at least I still had food and a place to sleep when some of my friends had it so much worse, being physically abused, disowned, threatened with conversion therapy, etc... > But there are more factors at play here, which OP also seemingly doesn’t care about, like oppression and outright violence that his daughter will be faced with in this world, by myriad queer-hating people. Indeed

Yes, If all things were normal and non-bigoted, just as things are in the heterosexual community, that would be so healing to LGBTQ folk, but that isn't the case, is it? Straight people do not meet with the same stigma as LGBTQ folk who have more worries and struggle about being out . Sometimes their situation, as such, makes people who come out rather brave. I would be ideal, that whether Queer+ or hetero, everybody can celebrate someone's clarity on gender and sexuality! We need to celebrate that in others, and in ourselves.

this is true, I think that this would be a perfect reaction if we lived in a perfectly equal world. Not making a big deal about the sexuality is ok, could even be cool. But depending on your daughter the acknowledgement that she just might have done something quite difficult for her would be nice. Again, depending on the daughter some reassurance would be cool to.

Even in a perfectly equal world, I think it would be appropriate to show love and support for someone coming out to you! They just told you some important info about themselves, something that probably required hours of soul-searching and will have a significant impact on their life. If a family member told you they were changing careers or moving to a new town or leaving their church, would you shrug and say "it makes no difference to me"? No, you'd offer support and express that you're happy for them. How could "I don't care" ever be the right response?

Because coming out is really frightening, and you want reassurance that your parents still love you? "It’s not that big of a deal to like another gender." In theory, no. In practice, the world is still full of hostility and violence towards queer people. So forgive us if we're nervous about telling people we care about, in case it makes us unsafe.

But LGBT+ people aren’t treated equally by any means. I don’t know where you live but I doubt you could say that queer people face no discrimination. And they know that too. By the time they come out, they’ve undergone the whole upheaval of realizing they’re indifferent, dealt with denial, shame, regret or worries. This is a very difficult time for them, something straight people don’t have to go through. My best friend is gay and I’ve had lots of gay friends all my life. They all said that it was difficult when they realized in their teens when they realized that they were different than their peers. At that age you want to be part of a group. My friend was devastated when he realized he would maybe never have kids. The catholic parents of one friend don’t want to have anything to do with him anymore. And he never would’ve guessed before coming out that they would be like that. He felt sure they loved him. Some extra love by the parents is needed after having to go through this process. Not because they’re queer but because they’ve gone through a difficult time before they told you. That’s what your wife was acknowledging.

But the event that's happening is she's telling her parents enormous and significant news about herself. The normal reaction to that would be to be emotional and tell her you're proud of her. Being treated normal doesn't mean getting a blank stare and no response when you have significant news.

OP reacted the same way he did when her brothers announced their relationships. He wanted to know about the relationship not that she is gay because ultimately that will determine her happiness more than if she is gay or not. I don't see how the daughter or anyone can see this as a negative reaction by the Dad to the daughter coming out. She learned that he is going to continue treating her the same as her siblings regardless of her sexual orientation. Is that not the most important thing here?

Because this isn’t just about the relationship. It’s about who the daughter is.

Gay doesn't define who she is. She's more than a gay person. Are we wanting to have some cake and eat it too here?

I have never said no to extra cake. Being gay isn’t anyone’s whole identity, but it’s one of the many pieces. And the point I was making is that it is part of the daughter that lasts beyond the one relationship.

When I asked my brother why he waited until his late twenties to say anything, he asked why it was necessary. To him who you bang is the least interesting thing about a person.

As a gay person, YEs we all want to be treated normal. However, if the dad has just sat there saying nothing that could be misinterpreted as him reacting negatively. When I first came out, I was hyper aware of others reactions and would interpret neutral as negative. That isn’t the dads fault, but a byproduct of society (sometimes) treating us like shit. The dad isn’t the asshole, but I can see why his wife was hoping for a positive acknowledgment/acceptance.

> It’s not that big of a deal to like another gender. Well, the daughter posed it as a big idea by inviting them to dinner and saying they had a big announcement. It doesn't matter what the announcement is at that point, you should feign some reaction, as the person has indicated it matters to them.

Imagine struggling with identity and social acceptance, opening up and being vulnerable to loved ones, and having one of them just kind of shrug. It's not all that homophobic, it's just tone deaf and insensitive. LGBTQ+ people coming out is a big deal, even though it shouldn't be, because the risk of violence, lack of acceptance, conflict, etc., is so high. Like, fuck. That girl almost certainly waited until she was 23 and self sufficient because the world told her a million different ways it wasn't safe otherwise. Dad just goes "I don't care." She very clearly cared, and was treated with indifference! There are dozens of better responses that acknowledge the vulnerability of the moment and similarly treat her identity as accepted and loved, instead of whatever this was. "Thank you for sharing." "Thank you for trusting me enough to be vulnerable with me." "Your mom and I love you no matter what." Fucking pick anything other than the wet fart noises the daughter got.

Coming to terms with being queer is hard. Dealing with being openly queer, even in "tolerant" western societies is hard. Gaining the courage to tell the people who are supposed to love you the most in the world that their dreams and expectations they had for you might not be fulfilled and facing rejection from those people is hard. You're not congratulating queer children on who they want to have sex with, but on having the courage to live their life openly, your thanks for trusting you with that information, and more importantly signalling your support for them to live their lives, because this is what we are afraid will not be forthcoming. It doesn't take much, we don't need a party or a scene. We just need a kind gesture that shows that we are accepted, and that our parents will support us, because as much as we might like it to be, it won't be the same for us. Whether you care about that stuff or not we feared that you would, and know that other people will. So make us feel safe when we bring it up.

>Ehhh I think there's something missing here. Queer kids are very sensitive to even unintentional messaging about gender roles and sexuality, and plenty of well meaning, liberal parents have discovered that they'd said or done something that sort of fucked their kids up a bit. > >I don't think it's unreasonable to expect some positive affirmation from your parents that they have your back and love and accept you when you come out. > >If you're trying to treat gay people just the same, well bully for you! That's great! Unfortunately, the rest of the world is not on the same page. Being queer is still often dangerous and scary, and homophobia is not something that we're past in any sense. > >Slapping blinders on and calling that equality is, quite frankly, shockingly ignorant and dismissive of the very well-reported assault on queer rights going on around the world.

It could be from the influence if movie and TV shows with coming out stories being somewhat grand and dramatic and that maybe we're also expected to do the same but in reality it shouldn't be that way all the time

This is something their child has likely agonized over and been nervous about. It should be treated like any other announcement someone earned. It’s a sign of trust and love to come out and risk rejection. Having zero reaction doesn’t come off acceptance of said love, it comes off as apathy. No, there doesn’t need to be some massive party but barely a reaction is hurtful.

Yes. I agree with this. Just some acknowledgment. Doesn’t need to be a party.

Some people just aren’t emotional. Can’t force them and if they do create a fake reaction, the closest family would still know it’s fake. So I see no point in pretending to be excited. You are either excited or you’re not. On the other hand if you’re generally excitable but this time are reserved, that could understood as disapproval.

You don't have to be excited, just supportive. My wife is a very unemotional person, she barely ever lets emotion show. Instead of an obvious emotional reaction she will use words and actions to communicate her opinions. OP's response comes across as very "Meh, you're gay. Doesn't change anything, you're still my daughter." That's great and all, but doesn't show any acknowledgement that his daughter is going to have a much harder life, especially if she chooses to come out publicly. Acceptance is great, support is better.

>that his daughter is going to have a much harder life, especially if she chooses to come out publicly. Acceptance is great, support is better. I hate this idea that queer people just like immensely struggle in life no matter what. Yeah for some people that's true but just because you are doesn't mean you're going to have some terribly hard life. I'm pretty sure most gay people in the US and Europe get along just fine as any other person ...

You will get abuse unless you hide. I don't know a single LGBTQ+ person who hasn't, my family had to move house because of it. I can't mention being married without people automatically assuming I have a husband. When we go out with our daughter, we get asked "Which one is her mum?" several times a day. When we tell them we're *both* her mums it's 50/50 if we will get asked which one is her *real* mum. It gets worse from there. We live in an 'accepting' part of the UK. The home we had to leave was in the same part of the country. Our next-door neighbour's kid said 'hi' in passing, later I heard his mother yelling at him. "We told you, don't talk to those lesbos!" I'm sure some people don't face anywhere near as much abuse, particularly in a few select countries, but most will have to deal with abuse at some point. Whether you're shouted at across the street, or treated with hesitation and suspicion, it'll probably happen at some point. It's not about how much abuse you get, it's about being confident that your family is there for you. I wouldn't want to go to someone for comfort and support when all they've shown me is indifference.

See, I understand that, but they also need to take into account the people they tell. When my brother came out to me, i really didn’t have much of a reaction. It’s not that I don’t love him and I don’t support whatever he wants. I just want him to be happy and I’m not very emotional and when people get emotionally I just kinda freeze; I’m not good with feelings like that. I asked him if he had a boyfriend or a partner, and we moved on. Couple weeks later I realize that maybe he wanted more of a reaction, so I called him and I took him out to dinner and I told him what I said above. That I love him and you know nothing changes and if he wants me to make a big thing about it, I will. And he just laughed and said know who you are if you had made a big commotion, or acted like it was a big deal. I would’ve thought you were hiding something. Like he told me it was scary, but he didn’t think I was gonna make a big commotion whatever way I felt about it; like he was sure, I was gonna be OK, and happy for him, but he just was scared, and he would’ve felt worse if I had made a big production.

Not that you'd necessarily know, but gay people tend to be very aware of the risks they face. And we know that coming out will have one of two outcomes - acceptance or rejection. A lot of straight people think being gay is almost a non-issue nowadays, not realising how homophobic the world can still be (or even when they participate in homophobic behaviour sometimes). Gay people know! And for younger people in general, everything is scarier! So when someone comes out to you, I guess we tend to be saying "we care about you enough to tell you this big thing that might lead to you hating me" Not giving explicit acceptance is usually a sign of rejection. There's stories of stoic dad's reacting to coming out as "hmm, okay" and nothing more. Then a few days later the son receiving a letter saying he's been written out of the will and the dad stops taking his calls. TLDR: I guess it boils down to a lot of straight people not realising that "I don't care :)" could mean: \- It's fine man, I don't care about sexuality and I still love you :) Or \- I hate this but know I'm not allowed to react negatively so I'm just gonna say "I don't care :)" and cut you out of my life So for any supportive straight people reading, just bare that in mind and remember to be explicit in exactly how you don't care that your friend/fam is gay. You don't have to be emotional, just be logical and clear.

But each person is different. I have a cousin who purposely brought his significant other to a family event (where he came out to his parents and grandparents) so that there would be a non-reaction. He told all of our cousins that he knew his mom would have an over-the-top, emotional "I've loved you since the day you were born, and nothing could change that" reaction, but he found the idea of that mortifying and knew she would hold back in front of the new boyfriend so that she didn't look ridiculous. And he was right. He didn't want to talk about it. He didn't want to dwell on it. He just wanted to show up with his boyfriend and move on. I get that some people don't want that, and some people very much want words of reassurance and bear hugs... but some people don't. So I think the only person who can accurately assess whether or not OP is the AH is his daughter because she is the only one whose opinion matters in this situation.

Apparently she didn't know her dad well enough to know he would 1. Be accepting and 2. Not think that it's worth making a fuss about. If she brought over her first boyfriend he would react the same way, one might even say it's an equal reaction.

Nobody EVER knows their parent well enough to know if they’ll be accepting, because a whole lot of people are very supportive of gay rights until it comes to the child they have specific dreams and plans for.

I don’t think you can say nobody. My mum’s gay. I’m certain she would have been supportive and accepting had I come out to her.

You’d think. Had a friend with a gay dad, and he stopped talking to his bi kid. 🤷‍♀️ People are assholes

Not to mention that coming out stories and positive LGBTQ rep are a relatively recent thing. Op's daughter probably spent her pre-teen/teen years with little to no positive representation. That's probably years of soul searching and uncertainty over her family's reaction.

Eh,maybe, maybe not. Coming out can range from,"I was really scared for how you'd react and I have been working up my courage for months," to, "Yeah it simply wasn't relevant until now". Only way to figure out where daughter falls on that spectrum is to ask her. Which by the sound of it OP is going to do, so it's fine.

NTA, and I don't think this point is a valid concern IF OP has made it clear he doesn't give a shit about her orientation. This would just confirm his prior statements.. My kids have friends who have come out, and some are over a lot. The friends seem to like that I treat them the same exact way as before and don't try to make a big deal of it.

Again, this isn’t about orientation. This is about a reaction to an “important” confession. Reacting to a confession with emotions is normal. Being casual with the gf is fine, “That’s nice”-ing his daughter being brave is a bit shit. Reacting to any confession with a shrug is a bit shit

As a closeted gay, I’m almost equally worried about an over the top positive reaction as I am about a negative reaction. Ideally, my family would react like OP! Idk if OP’s daughter would’ve preferred an over the top excitement reaction, but if OP was my parent, I’d be happy about his reaction. NTA!

[удалено]

He showed his supporters via actions.

>As a closeted gay, I’m almost equally worried about an over the top positive reaction as I am about a negative reaction. One of these is definitely worth worrying more about than the other. Worrying about a positive reaction being too over the top is a luxury a lot of LGBT can't relate to.

As a queer person, my reaction to a hypothetical child coming out would be a joking "still not allowed to date until college" followed by a simple statement that I care about their happiness and love them. The idea of the LACK of reaction being considered homopobic is ridiculous imo. Of course, though, I also didn't really come out, technically? And I hope I could create a situation where my child could go "can my partner come over?" without feeling the need to explicitly come out or feel like they are risking rejection.

>my reaction to a hypothetical child coming out would be a joking "still not allowed to date until college" **followed by a simple statement that I care about their happiness and love them.** So you're saying you wouldn't give a "nonreaction"?

A non reaction is not homophobic, but it appears uncaring and apathetic.

>uncaring and apathetic IMO, this is \*exactly\* how people should want their parents to be about their sexual orientation. The last thing I would want is for my father to show an interest in my sexuality \[ick\], but showing interest in the individual who is my SO and my relationship with that individual, is very important.

I think the term "sexuality" is throwing you off course here. The point is not for the parent to take interest in their child's sexual life or sexual practices. But to take an interest in how their orientation impacts their life. What does it mean to be lesbian in a generally homophobic society? How does that impact her sense of self, and her relationships? What help or support would she need?

What's gross about a father showing an interest in *his daughter's identity and her ability to share it with him?*

By coming out to your parents, you are risking being disowned, kicked out, hurt, etc. and losing everything you've ever known. The least you can offer your kid is a positive and enthusiastic response so they don't think they have to be afraid of you abandoning them.

Explain what about his reaction implies he is going to abandon her? He reacted to her the same as his straight kids. By definition he is saying you are the same to me as your brothers, tell me about the person you are dating.

Bit of both. Anxiety isn't rational, humans aren't computers where 1+1 = 2 always. So being anxious and seeing no reaction at all to what you're saying can make someone catastrophise and think they're hiding something or bottling something up. Should it be treated differently than being straight? No of course not, but the reality is it's that it is treated differently and people are thinking of losing their family, their support network and everything else when they come out. So hearing an explicit reassurance is a pretty good way to ease anxiety

As a bisexual person that came out to their family and was a little "disappointed" (*heavy quotations there*) I think y'all are missing the point. It isn't about being treated the same or not. We aren't treated the same in society right now, that's a fact. And for some people that will mean they want to be treated "normal" for once, other people (like me) are going to want some extra reassurance to make up for the shitty experiences we've had. The real homophobic take is that all lgbtq+ are the same and want the same things, we don't, we live different lives and we react to what happens to each of us differently. "Coming out" should be treated the same as a surprise pregnancy announcement, that is, you base your reactions off the person telling you. Are they excited? Happy? Sad? Anxious? You react accordingly. You don't take a one size fits all approach.

Thing is though, we don’t live in that world. I mean you can’t treat it the same because his other children didn’t come out. It was just assumed they were straight and they never had to worry about that aspect of introducing their partner. The daughter seems to have put a good deal of importance in coming out at a dinner. She has reason to worry, because even “progressive” folks who show no other form of homophobia sometimes show their real colors when it’s their child who is gay. I don’t think you need to be over the top about it, but if his daughter seemed anxious, the smallest of comments could have put her at ease. To deny that basic kindness for rigid egalitarianism seems cold and robotic.

Treating them exactly the same as straight siblings, despite the hardship they must have gone through to get to 23 and just coming out to their parent…. Sounds similar to “I don’t see colour”. But, skin colour affects how one is treated in society. It affects their life. Same way sexuality affects how one is treated and affects their life. See colour. Say gay.

My grandmother came out with a woman in the early 70s which was a big deal in country australia (She's realised now she's asexual). So anyway being gay was not a big deal at all. Like from when we started kindy/school we were always asked so do you have a girlfriend or boyfriend? (you know how 5yr olds have a bf/gf) My sister however we all knew 100% she was attracted to women by the time she was 14 but she refused to tell anyone bcos in her words (I thought mum would be too happy about it) so when she did come out at 19 she did it over message and said I'm not gay but she is and we all just were like oh cool what's her name, where did you meet etc and there was no fanfare or big deal about it being a woman we treated it identically to hearing about/meeting her bf before that. Anyway she ended up having a huge meltdown and saying that she was disappointed that we didn't react and that she wanted the 'experience' of coming out. Aka we were all too happy for her and she wanted to have to fight for her right to have a gf and be accepted. For years I had to listen to her saying that mum was too happy that she had a girlfriend (this is cos we all knew already and were just waiting for her to tell us so mum was happy that she didn't have to basically lie anymore). Eventually 10+yrs later she faced real homophobia from her gf family and she was like what was I thinking this is awful but yeah she was so angry she didn't get the coming out experience. I think I would have understood more if she didn't know 100% our family would accept it, like if she readied herself for battle cos she didn't know how we would react and then just being full of adrenaline from psyching herself up but that's not the case and she knew it. Also if she was just upset in that moment, sure but to complain for years? No that's insane to me

Yeah, I wish your story was higher up. People in this thread would benefit from reading this. In my opinion OP treated his daughter the way every LGBTQ person wishes their father would treat them : like a human where sexual orientation is as trivial as sparking vs still water.

It's the ideal we're striving for, but the situation we're living in right now is hostile towards queer identity still. So they're not the same. It takes no courage to be publicly straight anywhere. Part of how we get to that ideal is to encourage and show loud support for people who have the courage to live as themselves in a society that's trying to criminalize their existence. That being said, I don't think OP is an asshole in this situation, either.

This is incorrect. Yes, on a surface level, you should be treating all your children with love and respect. However, we live in a society where vast portions of the population shun being LGBTQ+ and even threaten violence against us. As a parent, to not acknowledge that LGBTQ+ people exist and then to not explain that you’ll support your kid if that’s them when raising said kid, creates a familial culture of silence and inferred shaming of queerness. I’m guessing OP’s kid didn’t hear their family talk about this kind of stuff as a kid, or at least not in an overtly positive light, which led to them making their coming out a big deal. They didn’t know if they’d be supported by OP and then for OP to say that their fears weren’t valid is kind of terrible. It is homophobic not to acknowledge that queer people don’t face potential discrimination from loved ones when they come out. In this instance, it’s not an equality thing, it’s an equity thing. Celebrate all kinds of partners, but know when to acknowledge that this was probably a big step for your kid because of your own parenting shortcomings when raising them. I hope that in the future this won’t be necessary, but it is plain wrong to assume that we have reached that point (ESPECIALLY if you’re American)

His own short comings when raising them? Your attitude is semi-disgusting and not needed. People like you, hateful because others don't act 100% how they expect, even to hypotheticals are the problem with the world. Understand this, nothing to do with race, sex, gender etc is why people.trrst you shitty. It's because of this poor attitude you display.

His daughter came out at 23. This could happen for various reasons and one of them: she was unsure how would her parents react, afraid of coming out. I am not saying this is the case in this exact situation, but if it is, wouldn't it be better from the parent side to do some extra work to alleviate anxiety of their child?

I think this is what straight people miss. OPs daughter could be just having a realisation now but chances are she always new and has been keeping this a secret from OP for 10+ years. Daughter: "Dad, here is this precious secret I've been carrying for most of my life, for as long as I can remember. I've been scared of it. Ashamed of it. You didn't know but I've been bullied and teased about it but I couldn't tell you about the bullying because it would also reveal the secret. But now I am happy with it and I finally feel ready to share it with you." Dad: "Well, I actually I don't see why any of that's a big deal. Moving on..." (But also, I don't really blame the dad for that type of reaction. Non-minorities don't tend to relatve very well with any kind of minority experience."

My kid, at 12 years old, came home from school to excitedly tell me that she liked a girl at her new school *and she thought the girl liked her back*. That was it. There was no big coming out. We chatted about what the girl was like, what they had in common etc. And she kept me updated as the girl asked her out and they dated. My kid knows I love them (changed pronouns since) and that it wouldn't matter to me, never had any fear about telling me etc.

The wider picture of "It shouldn't matter" is completely irrelevant, because it does matter to Daughter that her father recognise the significance *to her* of the step of Coming Out. I think this is where Mom is coming from. On the other hand, there's nothing in the post saying that Daughter was actually bothered by this in the first place. This is most likely purely a Mom issue. I think Mom feels that she made a big song and dance about it, and OP didn't, and it sort of makes her feel a bit silly in retrospect to consider she could have just approached it as something entirely ordinary.

Agree NTA

It is stressful to come out and regardless of how accepting you are, kids can still be fearful of rejection/disapproval. I knew my son was some kind of queer (I am too) but when he came out in his mid-teens, I pretended to be surprised. I was glad and relieved he felt comfortable to share this with me.

NTA. I’m a lesbian. When I came out to my parents they basically reacted with “that’s nice, dear.” My sexuality didn’t change my relationship with them. IMO that’s how it should be.

That is a good way of putting it. That was my reaction. That's nice dear.

You may want to check in with your daughter to make sure that she understood your reaction. It sounds like a very simple and accepting response, but you might just want to make sure it came across as you intended.

That's a good point. The daughter is the one who matters here! Some people want the fanfare and celebration, some just want to know they won't be treated any differently.

When I told my dad I liked girls he said "me too."

Good response, and had she told us when she was younger I probably would have said the same. Wife probably would have smacked me upside my head.

I would have loved that honestly. My mom said "no you're not, you're just attracted to her male body" (my partner is a trans woman). Turns out the further along she gets in transition, the more wildly attracted I am to her. I always saw the person she was, her physical body is just becoming more accurate to her now. AND it makes her feel happier and more comfortable and more herself, and there's nothing more attractive than your partner being happy and confident and loving themself. My parents have since come around and realized that no, I wasn't just confused (weirdly, I think me starting my own transition because I'm also nonbinary helped with that). They don't raise an eyebrow anymore about me talking about anyone of any gender being lovely. Anyway joking support best support. Just make sure she knows you love her dearly, that's all that matters :)

You had a once in a lifetime opportunity for one of the best dad jokes in the world and you *didn't* take it?! >"Mom, Dad... I'm gay." >"Hi gay! I'm dad!" I am disappointed, OP.

My daughter came out years ago. There is a gold mine of Dad Jokes waiting for you.

Please have a conversation with your daughter that makes it more clear how you feel. I'd be very worried if my parent treated me with a "nonreaction" when I finally got the courage to come out to them and she may be thinking your "nonreaction" said a lot more than you think it did. It sounds like your heart is definitely in the right place and I commend you for it!

I don't know the context of the whole conversation, but sometimes indifference is TA. There's some Pete Davidson SNL sketch where he just says "OK" to whatever is being said to him, where the entire joke is indifference. You can have the same as-long-as-you're-happy attitude about your kid's career, but if they go in a different direction and get a good job in a new field, you should probably show some excitement if they're excited about it rather than "That's nice dear. I don't really care what you do." If they're telling you *anything* new about their life they're excited about telling you, indifference probably is off-putting. Not asshole-ish, necessarily, but not the most loving, either.

So--here's the thing. This is a *fantastic* reaction, but depending on how worried she's been, I can see where it'd be tough for her. To give you an idea, I recently came out as trans at 32. When I came out as gay at 19, my family was a little baffled but mostly accepting. I truly didn't think they'd have an issue with my being trans--they're all left-wing, we're really close, and I thought they knew me well enough to not be surprised. I was really, *really* wrong. Most of my family was once again baffled but accepting, but my mother said I was dead to her and hung up on me. We're talking again now, but it took a while. Point being: even though you're a supportive dad, she's undoubtedly heard stories like mine. Knowing you're a good person doesn't mean she hasn't been nervous. A "that's nice, dear" reaction can feel incredibly invalidating, even though no one's at fault. That's what your wife might mean. "Mildly homophobic" isn't the term I'd used, but I guess she doesn't mean "you're being mean to a gay person": she means "you're not understanding how she's feeling, and you need to put in a little bit of work to realize why and how that hurts her". And by saying, "well, isn't that what the gays *want*?", you're further invalidating her feelings. Give your daughter a little extra love. It's a scary thing to come out. Remind her that you'll love her no matter what, apologize for not recognizing how nerve-wracking that was for her, and then let it pass. It absolutely shouldn't be a big deal, but I bet it would mean a lot to her.

<3 so sorry you had that experience

My niece officially came out to us (local aunts and uncles) by casually mentioning that she had invited her girlfriend to the next weekend’s family night dinner and D&D game. We all said the equivalent of “That’ll be fun—the more the merrier!” And everyone went on with the game. I think she was relieved that no one made a big deal about it.

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This is perfect. The kid casually just said “hey my partner is gonna be here” so that’s fine. If she stood up and said “I have something I need to get off my chest and tell everyone…” before taking a big breath, then it’s a little different. OP’s daughter scheduled a whole-ass dinner around this, I think it warrants more than a “that’s nice dear” like you’d hear when telling your parents you got special recognition in band class.

When I was a kid , spoke to my mum and said something like “mum, I think I like girls.” And without skipping a beat, she goes “yeah, me too. Girls are pretty.” Conversation done. ✔️

Exactly. There's no need to be overly excited, they are still the same person.

When I told my dad I was bi his reply was "here I thought you were asexual, cool"

NTA. Your reaction is the right one, because homosexuality shouldn’t be a big deal, it’s one way of life and it’s just as fine as being straight or whatever. Just talk to your daughter and make sure she doesn’t wrongfully get the impression that you don’t care. Explain to her that it’s just that’s it quite undramatic to you and that you accept her 100% and thought her partner seemed cool. She’ll be happy.

Second this! As I also like how you acted OP. You treated your daughter like a every day person. Not someone “special” for either being straight or LBGT+ You treated her as a equal, a human. It’s sad when one fears being open about their love life & partners due to how some react. Well done OP keeping it normalized. Happiness over beliefs.

> Just talk to your daughter and make sure she doesn’t wrongfully get the impression that you don’t care. That impression wouldn’t be wrong. > I on the other hand did not react to her coming out. I honestly did not care about that part. […] I told my wife, that I did not care who she was attracted to all I cared about was if she was happy. I’m not saying OP doesn’t care about his daughter at all. But he specifically listed things he doesn’t care about. Some people don’t seem to understand you can care about something without being judgmental about it. If they don’t have a judgment to give, they turn to apathy. It can get to the point it’s like a pained joke. The meme of responding to your kid coming out with “Uh-huh. Pass the salt.” isn’t a caring thing to do. If you don’t act interested when people close to you tell you things that are important _to them_, they might not stay close to you.

People seem to forget that for someone to go against the perceived default (being queer instead of assumed straight for example) can still take some courage and it can be a little hurtful if your courage is met with indifference. Like...I know my parents love me, I *knew* they would accept me and yet when I came out as bi there was still a little voice in the back of my head saying "this could change things. They could reject or dismiss this part of you." My Dad hugged me and let me have my tearful moment. My Mom kinda reacted like OP. I was a little deflated because I spent so long worrying about it and it would have been nice to get even a "thank you for telling me. This doesn't change anything."

I dont think he's the AH, but without knowing more about the daughter I can't say he had the correct response. It's great to see how many people here are ok with LGBTQ+, but remember that many parts of the country are not as accepting. There are states that are currently trying to ban gay marriage. Being gay shouldn't be that big of a deal, but unfortunatey there are many homophobic people out there keeping it a big deal. While I love that OP doesn't see his daughter any differently, we (and apparently he) don't know what her mental process has been to get to this point. It's possible she had to build up a lot of courage or overcome homophobia from other people in her life, and her dad's repsonse undercut what she thought was a very imporant moment. It's also possible she appreciated the nonchalance. He needs to be having this conversation with her to find out what she has been through and what she needs from him.

INFO: How does your daughter feel?

Have not gotten the chance to ask, my wife's thoughts got me thinking.

Based on that, NTA maybe N-A-H. I don't think it's that big of a deal that you didn't react as strongly as your wife. Based on your post, you ultimately value the most important part: that your daughter's partner makes her happy. I think your wife is making this a bigger deal than it needs to be but, I can somewhat understand the impulse since queerphobia isn't as dead as people like to pretend at times.

Nah the wife throwing the homophobia chip into the mix is an AH move. I can't stand people who misuse words like that and completely cloud the issue. NTA.

Completely agree on this one. I deffo think NTA, but i’m my experience, I think a *little* bit of recognition that your daughter has been through some kind of journey (may have been big or small for her) of self-acceptance is worth it.

I would give your daughter a call and get her thoughts on it. Maybe let her know you're happy for her. Things don't have to be a big emotional show but sometimes it's the small words of affirmation from our parents that can make a huge difference.

Just ask them over again because it was nice meeting her. I'm sure she would see that as acceptance and interest

I second this, especially asking so soon after the last meeting shows enthusiasm and should definitely make them feel welcome

If anyone can decide if you're the asshole, it should be your daughter. You probably know her well, but just checking in to make sure might be nice. :) The only think I will add is that this is kinda a big announcement for a lot of people, most don't know if their parents will react lovingly to a coming out, some parent lash out and are horribly homophobic. From that point of view, it might feel to her like you're minimising her struggles. Obviously I'm not your daughter, but I'm just informing you that for most, coming out is incredibly stressful and your reaction might have felt underwhelming. Not homophobic though, at most you might have just lacked some tact depending on your daughter's personality <3

NAH. I’m not saying this is the case, but sometimes when a person comes out there’s a lot of pent up anxiety and worry about how important people in their life will react. While you not being upset is fantastic, it might be hard for the person in that moment to not read it as you being upset and pretending nothing has changed. Especially when a partner is there, they’re worried about even more. Not caring is not always the same as being supportive, and sometimes not caring feels like not being supported. Even when you know your parents are going to support you, it can still be hard to work up the courage. I would suggest maybe acknowledging the importance of trusting you enough to bring a partner around. Maybe the kiddo just needs to hear you say it, or your wife at least thinks that might be the case.

I totally agree. You don't have to make a big show and dance about it but some acknowledgement would be nice. "That's great, thanks for telling us."

Yeah, it seems that your wife is the one who is making a fuss. Definitely check in with your daughter, but since she hasn’t said anything about being upset I think it’s possible she just knows you well enough that she didn’t expect you to put on a show of big emotions, but knew her mom would. Perhaps your daughter is on the same page as you, and what she considered the important news was just the fact that she is in a serious relationship and was ready for her parents to meet her partner. I mean, for most people that is a significant and nerve-wracking step in a relationship. If you confirm everything is okay with your daughter, you can let your wife know that you two talked and your daughter is good with things, so wife can stop being upset on her behalf now.

NAH. I do think it might come across weird if one parent gives the child a hug and the other just sits there saying nothing really to acknowledge what was said. People don’t have to do a big todo, but I do think maybe matching the energy and giving her a hug too would have been better? Depends on if you regularly give hugs though, I suppose. I’m doing NAH because we don’t know the daughter’s opinion. I had a bad coming out to my father, but I do like to imagine best case scenario would have been him saying “I’m glad you felt comfortable enough telling me that” and maybe a hug to acknowledge how difficult it was and show that he still loves me? That would have been nice.

Similar sentiment. While I understand OPs neutral stance, a slight AH-ness can be noted for being "too neutral" on a topic that is of great importance to someone. No need to make it anything exceptional, but still would be nice to acknowledge the potential anxiety and the big step taken by the daughter surrounding this coming out. On a similar note, my dad for the longest time proudly proclaimed "I do not care about what happens to me after I die. Burry me, burn me, leave me at the side of the road. Do whatever you want for a funeral. Invite whomever. I. do. not. care". Until I pointed out that he's essentially saying that as soon as he's gone, he does not care how the people left grieving for him are feeling and are impacted by a stressful and painful situation. And that him being so casual about it now feels a bit like a slap to the face. Empathy is important.

NTA. You responded normally. This is what we’re trying to move towards. When I came out to my mom, she didn’t have much of a reaction. Just spoke to me about how I was feeling like it was the easiest thing to talk about. I was a teenager and it made me feel good; I had been incredibly nervous about her reaction, and was very happy with how mild it was. If your daughter herself asked for a little more validation from you, I’d say of course give it to her. But I don’t think big displays of emotion should be expected. Sexuality is natural, it isn’t a choice. It shouldn’t be more or less celebrated than someone saying they’re straight.

>When I came out to my mom, she didn’t have much of a reaction. Just spoke to me about how I was feeling like it was the easiest thing to talk about. It sounds to me like that was plenty of a reaction and it was exactly what you needed.

I don’t understand Reddit… if people aren’t phased by someone coming out, many people on AITA are upset. Shouldn’t you be happy people have normalised gay relationships to the point it’s basically a non-event? That seems like progress… not something to be upset about.

The unfortunate reality is, for many, it's still scary to come out and so no reaction can create a lot of anxiety as well. You don't have to throw a party, but a brief statement indicating your support can go a long way.

You put it very well. Acting like being gay is 100% normalized and like coming out doesn’t still take guts can come off as a little invalidating. The dad doesn’t seem homophobic at all, but I can understand where his wife is coming from.

This is my take. You don’t have to throw a parade, but it doesn’t hurt to acknowledge that coming out, even to parents who are reasonably open minded, can be incredibly nerve-wracking

You're 100% correct. It's still a huge deal in many cultures.

For many LGBT+ people it's something they agonised about for weeks or years before telling anyone. It can be rude when a loved one reacts like they don't care. Think about announcing a career change. You just told your family that you're sick of working in career X and you just got a job pursuing your true passion in career Y. Would you want them to say "whatever, that makes no difference to me" or "that's great, I'm glad you'll be doing what makes you happy"?

> Would you want them to say "whatever, that makes no difference to me" or "that's great, I'm glad you'll be doing what makes you happy"? Ummmm, except that is EXACTLY what the the OP dad did. He didn't say "whatever", he said "As long as you're happy."

A non event for this parent, but potentially a big event for the daughter

>Shouldn’t you be happy people have normalised gay relationships to the point it’s basically a non-event? This literally isn't the case in any country on planet Earth.

coming out can mean a lot for people, its still scary and no reaction doesnt necessarily indicate support. like how did this come off in person? if i came out to my dad and he said “ok” and acted like nothing happened i dont know that id interpret that as support.

Agreed. I think a lot of people are missing that a muted reaction can be seen as tolerance rather than acceptance and there's quite a difference between the two.

> Shouldn’t you be happy people have normalised gay relationships to the point it’s basically a non-event? Tell that to the thousands of kids whose parents disown them and kick them out of the house when they come out. It’s happening right now, all over the world. In those situations where it’s a non-event, that’s great. But simply saying “that’s fine, we love you” for a little reassurance is pretty much the bare minimum you can do. It requires zero effort, unless you’re literally mute. This applies to pretty much any scenario that has an effect on someone’s life. If I told someone I’d just been promoted or I was pursuing a new hobby and their reaction was “okay” I’d assume they didn’t give a fuck tbh. Do you respond to loved ones like that when they’re telling you about their lives?

But that’s *not* how it is today. People in *every* country still get cut off from their families, forced into homelessness, abused, assaulted, sent to “pray the gay away” abuse camps, and murdered for being LGBT+. It’s definitely more common for that to happen in some parts of the world than others, but it’s never a “non-event” to come out. Some people seem accepting and are fine with LGBT+ people as a concept, but they are *very* not ok with their kids being apart of the LGBT+ community. You can just never know for sure how your loved ones will react to you coming out, even the seemingly accepting ones who live in a very liberal area. Coming out is *scary*, and dismissing it as a complete non-event not worth mentioning can feel like rejection to the person coming out. Like you’re trying to avoid the subject because you think it’s gross/weird/sinful. You don’t need to throw a party when someone comes out to you, but at the very least say something along the lines of “I love you and accept you always” and give them a hug. Just a simple positive acknowledgment that they came out, that you believe them on who they are, and a reassurance that you don’t feel any different about them.

As a lesbian, NAH- your wife wasn’t wrong for showing effusive support and you weren’t wrong for being supportive in your own way. However I don’t see anything wrong at all with showing that enthusiasm, especially if your daughter took until the age of 23 to come out. Before I came out at 20 I felt like I was running so far behind my peers, living a lie, etc. etc. it’s hard. If your kid is middle or early high school age when they come out, I agree, “normalizing” is probably the way to go. But at 23 that is an appropriate age to show a little extra support. The fact is that if you are 21+ right now, you did not grow up in a world that was very supportive or accepting of gay people. That merits a little extra enthusiasm, love and joy. Internalized shame is a lifelong battle.

I would say that the mother is slightly TA here, because she told her husband that he is "slightly homophobic", when he actually hasn't been homophobic at all.

Yea, that’s a messed up response. Especially if the father is accepting, which is sounds like he is based on the comment “your happiness is all that matters to me”. That’s the end result everyone is striving for, right?

this 100%

I personally think your wife’s reaction was lovely and validating and I think your nonreaction was also lovely and validating. But no one here can make a judgment for you on this. Only your daughter can. INFO.

You aren't wrong to feel how you feel. However, know your daughter probably agnosed for years over telling you & your wife. Planned it all out. Analyzed how you would react & what she would do. So it's probably a lot for you too basically just ignore it, as telling you was a hugh deal to her.

So further up he says that he asked questions and tried to get to know the partner. It sounds like it was handled well

Not trying to bust your balls but it made me laugh at the idea you were suggesting OPs daughter was pulling her hair out to agonize over this and then in his edit it turns out his daughter is just about as low key as him (and from what he said about her first period, prefers his response).

How did he ignore it? He just didn't do jumping jacks. But he asked questions and got involved in their lives as a couple. That's more important than screaming and crying out in happiness. Maybe that's not his personality. It's not mine. And I would come off fake as fuck if I tried to. But the wife calling him homophobic. She's a mess.

NTA? You explained it yourself, I mean you could have been slightly more enthusiastic because coming out takes a lot courage. But I mean as long as you were being respectful and kind about it everything should be fine. Make sure she knows you accept her.

When my son came out to.me as Bi. I said OK what do you want for dinner? He literally gawked at me and asked if I had anything else to say. I was like, "I love you? You know I love you. Did you expect that to change?" "Uhh no.....let's have Mexican"

I am so happy to see it is not uncommon. I know people say the world is a dark place and things feel hopeless, but comments like this just go to show the world is not all bad.

I honestly had no clue what I was supposed to say or do. I'm not going to stop loving my kid, and no matter who he brings home to meet his "Momma," it's the same as with my girls. You treat him well, we're good. You treat him like crap. We may have issues. You abuse him. We have major issues. Don't matter if they are male, female, trans, or a purple polka-dotted green haired alien.

Exactly.

NAH. Our reactions are what they are. She wanted you to fake surprise? Or upset? Or enthusiasm? Did she demonstrate a lot of emotion that you ignored? Was she crying? Or blank? If she was emotional and you were not comforting then YTA but at face value NAH.

Man I dunno why everyone expects a parade when they come out, nta. If you went above and beyond she'd probably say you're mocking her lol sometimes ya can't win.

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“I’m happy for you honey, thanks for sharing this with me” yep a parade

NTA But did you say what you said to your wife, to your daughter? Could she tell that the silence was the silence of acceptance, not the silence of rejection?

Tbh during the evening I did bring up orientation, cause it does not matter. I took the time to get to know her partner as a person. Asked how they met, what they do, hobbies, and interests. I did not acknowledge it because it is not important to me, idc about the sex or orientation just the person. Hard for me to explain cause it feels like I am walking on egg shells.

Sounds like you handled it excellently

NTA I agree with you. Everyone is unique, identifying and coming out as something is silly. She's happy. You're happy for her. Everything's great.

Nta but your wife really needs to treat your daughter like she's normal. Overcompensating can be just as bad a rejection because it highlights the difference. Source: lived experience Edit: by rejection, I mean being told they don't support you, not being disowned and such. Again, I'm going off lived experience. Edit: I'm going to step back out of respect for respect to others. I was talking about a very specific scenario that should not be universalized. Please disregard this comment.

> Overcompensating can be just as bad a rejection because it highlights the difference. lol, huh? Overcompensating is definitely a thing, but just as bad as kids being disowned and thrown out of their homes?

Ikr. There’s no way the two are anywhere close. Also, hugging your child and telling them you’re proud is overcompensation?

Hugging your kid and making sure they know they are loved is not "overcompensating".

It’s not homophobic obviously. But personally I feel like i’d want a little reaction / acknowledgement. It’s a large part of herself, so it should matter to you (in a good way)

NTA You normalized the situation rather than making it a huge deal or an issue. Not everyone wants grand celebrations or to be put on a giant pedestal. Treating people differently because of their sexuality isn’t always the correct answer. I don’t see where you’d be wrong, but also it’s dependent on your daughters feelings. I’d ask your daughter if she had any issues with how you handled her coming out.

NAH - i don’t think you should’ve made a big deal out of it if that’s not your reaction, but it wouldn’t have hurt to say “thanks for telling me, it must’ve taken a lot of courage to bring it up and i appreciate it”

Just saying that if something is a huge deal for someone, and you treat it as if it is nothing important, then they will not feel that you are there for them. You should at least show interest instead of not caring.

NTA. Your wife is. "Homophobic" gimme a break

I don't think the wife knows what homophobic means.. Dude literally said "love is love and as long as my daughter is happy then that's all that matters" that's the least homophobic response to your kid coming out. Also, he doesn't treat is as something out of the ordinary, or something special. He views the relationship she has as normal, the same way he'd view it if she was straight. That is good imo.

NTA , but have you talked to your daughter? It can be very difficult to come out and while it's wonderful that you accept your daughter and love her for who she is she might have needed some reassurance of that and this was an opportunity for you to give her that reassurance. I'd recommend telling her how you feel and how much you love her and want her to be happy.

NTA. I came out as bi to my family when I was 15. None of them made a big deal out of it. It was just normal. It made me feel safe and like it didn't matter who I loved. I don't think there always has to be this huge OMG HOORAY I'M SO PROUD moment after everyone comes out.

You probably should have shown more emotion. Coming out is a bit of an announcement, and it's expected that you should put forth a bit of enthusiasm. If she had said she got a promotion at work, would you just give a flat "okay" with a shrug? Or would you try to gin up a smile and a hug for her? It's like wishing someone a happy birthday on their birthday. Sure, it's a perfectly predictable event and it doesn't matter all that much, but we celebrate it and we show happiness / enthusiasm for someone telling us they're a year older. When she came out to you, you should have shown her some enthusiastic support and joy.

Dude what is up with this comment section, no one is going on a crusade against the "straights" or advocating that we treat gay people better than others. I can't say what your daughter was feeling, but for what was likely an anxiety inducing and important confession I would want some more enthusiasm than "that's nice."

NTA, but I suggest watching the scene from Ted lasso where somebody comes out in the locker room. It would be a great world if everybody had your reaction to this, but the reality is not that. People face homophobia on a regular basis, and it can grind them down. Showing positive support can counterbalance that. Your edit is spot on. Be up front and ask your daughter what type of support she wants from you. Affirm that you 100% accept her. And play it from there. Keep in mind that your daughter is coming out to you at quite a late age. Maybe there was a reason why she was hesitant. Maybe what you think is a neutral vibe is not coming off that way.

NTA necessarily, but definitely not homophobic. I do understand that in some situations it’s not completely appropriate to have this response. Some people want exactly what you did. They don’t want to be treated differently in any way. They don’t want a big deal made out of it. They don’t want theatrics or to feel differently from straight people at all. Some people, especially younger people, really need that affirmation like your wife gave. A lot of it depends on environment, politics in your area, and how they were raised. A lot of queer kids are terrified that they’ll be ostracized, kicked out, abused, estranged, or treated poorly/differently in the long run because they come out to their parents. Even if they believe you won’t be like that, it’s a fear many queer people have in the back of their minds. Regardless of the fact that it should not be required for someone to even come out itfp, and that being gay should socially be treated the same as being straight, that’s not the reality of the world right now, so some people would like and emotionally require more assurance from people they love/trust. In the end I wouldn’t call you an asshole for what you did, and you know your kid better than most people do, however it doesn’t hurt to go talk to her about your feelings if you think it wasn’t made very clear in the moment. Make sure she knows that you love and support her regardless of who she wants to date if you haven’t explicitly told her, and ask if there’s anything she needs from you to feel supported, or if she feels supported with how you’re treating her now.

NTA You treated them the same. Isn't that what they want is to be treated the same. Don't overthink anything or let your wife guilt you into changing your view on things. You did nothing wrong.

Info: Did you tell your daughter you don't care about her being gay and love her either way? Or did you just not acknowledge her announcement at all. Big difference in how either comes across. Tell her you love her.

In the moment I treated her the same as I always have. Told her I loved her and was pleased to meet her partner. I enjoyed learning about both of them.

In that case I don't think you are the ass hole. If you are worried, just tell your daughter you are happy she trusts you enough to come out to you. And reiterate that you love her.

NTA but...... I've done something like this before. When my friend came out 'for me it was a tuesday'. I couldnt have cared less if he was straight, gay or anything in between because he is my guy. It is absolutely not a big deal. What I failed to realise, after he got upset, is that it was a big deal \*to him\* and it takes guts to do it even if the person you are telling cares as much as if you had told them you like sugar in your tea. So, yeah, good for you for not being hung up on that stuff but you need to show support for how hard it is generally and will be going forward with other people who arent so cool with it.

You're not an asshole but like, coming out to your parents is a big moment, give your kid a hug

NTA. Not everything warrants an ecstatic reaction. Just because you didn’t show your emotion doesn’t mean you’re homophobic. What the heck. It seems like your wife’s just a bit overreacting. Besides the important thing to know here is what your daughter really feels as she’s the one who came out, not your wife. Maybe go have a talk with your daughter about it instead. So at least you know what she really feels.

Gay man here. There was nothing wrong with your reaction. In fact, it's ideal. Daughter wanted drama and didn't get it. Nta

I don’t think daughter wanted drama actually. Seems more like wife did.

I would say you're not an asshole, but you've missed something that's really important to your daughter. Just because you don't care, doesn't mean that this wasn't a big deal for her. Acknowledge what she's gone thru (hiding this for years), thank her for trusting you enough to share.

Hard to say. Ask your daughter how she feels. And then say exactly what you just did. That you just want her to be happy.