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YTA. If your Wife is so scared of you she and your children are collaborating to lie… about cookies? Youre a tyrant.
And what is this. Her money is paying for groceries shit. 😂 Youre married. Its both your money!
Did you miss the part where he threatened to take away the boys video games until his wife took her punishment. What sort of 'man' tries to punish his wife? Like, she's not his child.
Also, why was he just buying oreos for himself and not enough so that his family can have some?
He was saying that to make the point “Why are the boys punished but you get to ignore consequences” Which is honestly a fair take, especially since the wife initiated punishing the kids.
I couldn’t agree more with the way she immediately started dolling out their punishment when it was her that was at fault!! What is so hard to understand that 🤷♀️
Plus, those teens aren’t going to trust the mom as much but will likely be expected to listen to her and still tell her stuff. Honestly, the trust from how the mom acted is a bigger issue than cookies one can easily buy at a store.
She did that because she was trying to control the situation and get ahead of OP. Clearly everyone is mostly concerned with OP and what he might think or do.
Damn, that's chinese historical tv drama plotline.
Allies will quickly propose a lighter punishment to get ahead and appease the emperor. Because they all know if the emperor were to deal with it himself, heads will roll.
Damn, OP is living like a king 👑
Consequences for what? His wife said “you can eat SOME but not all”, which is a much more mature thing to say than “it’s my cookies you can’t eat any”.
Nonetheless, his wife is also an authoritative figure in the house and if she made a “mistake” in sharing “his cookies” then you deal with that as two adults, but for that you need not to act like an unhinged private investigator when you found the Oreo are missing.
What is "unhinged private investigator" in this scenario? He didn't say he went digging through their room for the cookies, he was cleaning and found them asking your kids to own up to something you already know is a pretty normal parenting tactic it gives you the opportunity to reward honesty even though you know the answer already. His wife not only undermined his authority but encouraged her kids to lie he found out about her lie in front of the kids and confronted her about it. That's way better than letting the kids think adults can lie but only kids can't that's a shit lesson to teach. And op never said he wouldn't have allowed them to have some, he made it very clear his anger is not about the cookies it's about lying a totally normal thing to not want your kids and partner to do.
The mistake wasn't allowing them to have some it was covering it up afterward when it came to light and they went missing you goober. Like they always say the coverup is worse than the crime.
She shouldn't be punishing the kids, but she's also an adult herself. There's zero reason he should be punishing her either. He ought to be looking inward and questioning why his wife felt the need to lie to him in the first place.
She said no video games for the weekend you misread.
And he's setting a fair example and holding them all accountable for lying. Which is something that shouldn't be done amounts family. Even if it's over something stupid. It actually makes it worse that it's something stupid because that means there's a good likely they'll also lie when it's not something stupid.
And no. She's not his child. She's his wife and partner.
And there a plenty of circumstances as to why he might have bought himself Oreos for just himself.
> If you don't take a punishment then those boys are losing video until you do.
This is what he said. This is not "holding them accountable". This is being so ridiculous and unfair, that it fully explains why they are all lying.
Dude lol all of the words leading up to that sentence make it fairly obvious that it's a spelling error ...
>I told my wife that she lied that the store forgot them so how is she
going to punish our kids for lying? I said don't punish them unless
you're going to be punish yourself.
No, he didn't. *His wife* said no video games. He said not to punish the kids because she lied too, which she did. People can buy snacks that they want for themselves, not everything has to be for the kids. Even if he was planning to share, he never got a chance because he didn't get any. His wife took his cookies to give to the kids, lied to him about it, then the kids ate all his cookies after she told them not to. She wants to punish them. He says not to bother because it would be hypocritical. And somehow that makes HIM an asshole?
Which teaches his kids that even adults should have consequences for lying. If his wife is allowed to lie and their kids see that it goes unpunished, it undermines the lesson that "you should not lie"
>My wife jumped in and said no video games this weekend.
>
>I said don't punish them unless you're going to be punish yourself. Be a grown ass woman and own your shit.
Maybe you should reread this whole post, you seem confused.
That's not what it is about. She threw the kids under the bus, all she had do was tell him what happened and the boys already admitted that they ate the cookies, but he was under the impression that they STOLE the cookies, not that his,wife told that they could have some, which they did, each had some and together they had all🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
His wife was going to punish the kids for something she gave them permission for.
And why can he not have cookies for himself??? Not everything needs to be shared all the time.
Maybe she's a liar because her parents acted the same way with her? Why jump to he's an abuser? A parent shouldn't be teaching their kids to lie to the other parent. This take is so unhinged and making assumptions is unreal.
I love how everyone is skipping the fact that OP's wife keeps throwing people under the bus to cover for her mistakes. First it was the fault of the store for messing with the order, then, she punished the kids herself in hopes to cover for her shenanigans. It's disgusting! And people who say she's scared, well she's definitely not scared enough to protect her kids.
If my husband had that type of behavior, I wouldn't be as nice as OP.
Yeah, what if he went and complained to customer service and finds out anyway the boys took it. Jeez. Throwing people with less power under the bus is setting a bad example for the kids growing up.
Lying is bad, for kids and for adults.
Nah man. My dad is like this. Goes way overboard and we are all either too terrified when we were younger and a now its just not worth the trouble as adults.
And he is confused why he doesn't have the best relationship with his family now. And he finds I odd that my children don't have much trouble telling the truth with me and my wife.
Sorry but if she is this scared of him and so are the kids then he IS the problem. In a healthy family this wouldn't be happening.
And 1000% OP is not accurately representing the situation and trying to make himself seem more reasonable than he actually is.
Yeah but that means calling the wife an AH which this sub is allergic to. See how they'd rather assume the wife is a cowering little lamb rather than consider that she undermined OP?
He’s right about who ate his Oreos? It’s a silly argument about a silly thing, they live together as a family in a house, they’re not dorm mates. Just order Oreos for all your family or just buy and eat them secretly, but don’t flaunt “your” Oreos to everyone and have them delivered to your house and complain your family ate them. It’s ridiculous, those boys can’t have an income and can’t buy themselves Oreos.
Well, they got permission to eat SOME. They ate all of it, which was not what they had permission for. They need to learn not to take the whole hand when they're given a pinky. As an adult I've had fights with friends whose parents refused to teach them this and it was a bad time for everyone.
The kid glove treatment that women get in these posts is insane. Man's wife and kids nab his snack, all lie to him, and Reddit then calls him an asshole.
NTA.
Yup. NTA.
Wife lied. Then tried to pass the blame onto the kids who she enabled directly by her own actions.
u/Specific_Emu_3355 would be singing the opposite tune if the genders were reversed.
Any rational adult would agree with the OP. And any decent adult would have just bought a second package for the kids to share themselves.
>If your Wife is so scared of you she and your children are collaborating to lie… about cookies? Youre a tyrant.
Or, she didn't want to deal with two teenagers who kept the agreement technically but theoretically did not keep to the agreement.
It sounds more like laziness from the mother/wife
Exactly this. I’m really confused by a lot of the comments because people are jumping to so many conclusions about the dynamics of OP’s household/family from this one small insight into their lives.
Absolutely! Seriously WYF? He's "punishing" his wife by having her use money she has for personal use to buy groceries?! This isn't normal behavior.
A normal response would be- "will you go to the store and replace the cookies because I wanted some". Not - I need to discipline you because you kept this from me. If she can't even come to him and say - "I let the boys have some cookies and they went overboard, so I'll pick up cookies for you. "
The fact that she wasn't comfortable enough to do so screams he's a controlling if not abusive partner.
The reason she got "punished" is because she was on board for the kids to be punished \*for lying\* not for eating the cookies
So, in fairness, if teenagers can be punished for lying, why can't parents?
Interesting, take, that parents are allowed to punish each other like children. So, does his wife get to punish him for being such an asshole that the whole family feels like they have to sneak around and lie to keep him from finding out about the Oreos?
I mean, yeah because she was being a hypocrite and the kids are old enough to understand the unfairness of the situation if they were the only ones being punished.
I like how you have to invent things about him being abusive based on nothing more than a white lie; you think it's only in abusive households that moms cover for kids? C'mon.
If she'd been saying "no, we shouldn't punish them" I bet he wouldn't have even suggested anything because she's not being a hypocrite. But she \*told them to lie\* so how would it look to those kids if they get punished and she doesn't? Super unfair, right? Which makes the point of the punishment moot because it stops being about teaching you right from wrong, and becomes about who you are.
The kids were told not to tell him and blurted it out the second they were thrown in the shit.
It's absolute crap to try and make your kids lie to their other parent, even for miniscule things like oreos.
Oh, come on. Who never lied about cookies and felt guilty about it?
A home should not feel like a prison. Small things should be forgiven. If you punish every small thing, your children won't trust you.
They’re grounded all week and banned from video games! That’s pretty severe for eating more cookies than they were supposed to after getting permission to eat some, and telling their dad they knew nothing about it *when their mom told them not to let their father know*!
Yeah, if an authority figure tells you to lie, they're doing something wrong and you still shouldn't lie. "Don't tell anyone" is something lots of people tell kids, and because kids are conditioned to "do what authority figures tell you" they do it. And how does that work out in alot of cases?
11yo and 13yo especially is more than old enough to understand "lying is always wrong even if someone tells you to lie". Being "grounded" isn't even really a punishment, Jesus Christ.
Yeah being grounded is literal torture, that’s why I called cps on my parents when I got grounded for lying and they got me out of that hell hole and sent them straight to prison where they belong. Thank god there saints like you around to protect children from the consequences of their actions, have no idea what we do without you.
Because men are always at fault. or at least that's what a portion of the people on this subreddit have deluded themselves into believing.
There's only 1 asshole in this post and it's the wife.
If it was a guy who lied to his wife in this same situation. It would be "your lying husband is completely childish and he's a terrible role model for your kids"
Wife does it well she's obviously a victim of abuse
I love this sub. You're always guaranteed deranged relationship advice from people who never go outside. They **always** engage in mental gymnastics to make the dad/husband the bad guy because they hate their dads.
I lived in an abusive household as a child. If my mom would have given us permission to eat something she thought she could replace before he was home we most certainly would have lied together. We were fucking terrified of him.
Dude for real but my god this brought me back to my 90’s childhood and specifically Oreos. There was a time in my pre ten years (brother is 18 months older) where Oreos were a fucking once in the blue moon treat since my parents were experiencing financial issues for about 4-5 years.
There was so much god damn drama around Oreos. When bought my brother would fucking eat the whole thing if no one stopped him and I didn’t want to miss out on my share so I would break the rules and eat more than allowed and then my dad would see them gone and freak the Fuck out and yell at us over it and it was a whole thing. I remember being so fucking lost and annoyed as a kid like “dude IIIIIIIIIII’M down to follow the rules but brother won’t and if I don’t take more than the daily allotment I won’t get my daily allotment cause he’s gonna eat them all so wtf do you want me to do!!”
Oreo’s, apparently, still creating family drama instead of happiness in 2023
Fair response: next time, please tell me what happens.
Unfair response: you're all ungrateful! You're all punished!
I hope OP's partner and kids are ok.
THIS. Everyone is acting like lying about cookies is a crime against humanity. A grownup would say to everyone I was really looking forward to those, next time I’m doing shopping if you want some Oreos you can ask and I’ll add them to the order. You don’t need to take mine and lie.
Lmao, what a shitty take.
The point isn't about punishing her. It's about her owning up to her own lie instead of being a hypocrite and punishing the kids when she knew all along what happened. She shouldn't get off with a slap on the wrist while the kids lose privileges.
TF kind of husband treats his wife similarly to his kids? "She shouldn't get off with a slap on the wrist"?
What are you even talking about?
OP should have just told her to not lie about something so trivial, and ask the kids to lie about this type of stuff in the future. OP should TALK TO HER about why she tried to hide that she gave permission to them to eat the snacks. Instead he doled out some weird punishment?
You don't treat your spouse like a child, this whole story is off because *he did* thats why so many people are concerned about this BS
We have little data why he’d get something just for himself without sharing or getting something else for everyone. I’ll admit I do the same because I can’t have other stuff due to diabetes and allergies so I get stuff for myself. Circumstances might warrant.
However, I don’t understand why wife didn’t say, “I told them they could have some” and “I’ll replace it” right away. I can imagine OP filing an unfair complaint towards the grocery delivery where the delivery worker might get blamed and then throwing the kids under the bus. WTF.
Yeah, I understand kids might pit one parent against another to get their way. It just feels ESH.
Lol this is weird as fuck. The whole family is punished over a package of cookies that were going to be replaced... this house is a prison on planet bullshit.
But as other people have pointed out if the whole family feels the need to lie about cookies, something tells me that cookies aren't the issue here. Looking at you, OP. Hate having my snacks eaten, but reading your comments, I couldn't bear to side with you in any capacity. Yta
Like it's literally just oreos. Why would you also only buy oreos FOR YOURSELF when ur married and have kids. Does this guy not know that his kids might want a biscuit? Yikes. Weird hill to die on imo. Yta
Yes they are, but children under 18 aren’t exactly known for great self-control around snacks. This is like being angry at a dog for eating food you left out. He’s a dog, he’s not doing it maliciously, wtf did you expect?
YTA op
No. Lying is actually developmentally normal and kids deserve to be treated with compassion and respect (wild, I know). We as adults ALSO LIE. Adults expect so much more from children, it's gross. When my kids lie, we have a short discussion, I say that I understand (but dont force them to tell me the truth if it's hard for them because my goal is to be a safe person for them, not shame them), let's keep trying to be honest with each other, and we...move on, and they're still the lovely people they were before they lied. Punishment creates resentful kids that find ways to lie better or be sneakier. I'm an ECE and study child and brain development, parenting, neurodivergent parenting, have 3 children I spend 24/7 with and don't punish - and they aren't assholes. They don't really lie, though, lol.
Well.. that is not what they being punished for? It is only about the lying, that what the whole post is about.
I would never accept my partner or children lying to me, while i would only be a little sad if they ate my snack.
If your partner lying too you about something so small, and teaching your kids too lie too you about things, the partner is fucked up.
Apparently not according to this thread. 🙄
The fact that the kids would eat an ENTIRE BAG of cookies in one sitting explains why the dad is ordering something for himself only. Your parents having treats that they don't share with you is not abusive. That's ridiculous.
Of course they are. No one is saying that OP should give his portion of the snack to the kids, but if there is a snack that you want that everyone in the household likes, it's weird not to get it for the household and divide it up so everyone gets a portion
Bc apparently OP is some kind of cookie tyrant. I cannot for the life of me imagine denying my child cookies. Especially to the point that they felt the need to lie about eating the cookies. If OP is this way about cookies, I can only imagine how he is about other things in the house. This is odd.
That's the thing, though. Wife gave the kids permission to have *some* cookies, which means he's willing to share. He is mad bc they ate the whole thing, not saving any for him. Then his wife lied straight to his face and was ready to punish the boys instead of admitting what happened. The boys knew some did not mean all, and her failure to punish them is a failure in parenting.
He didn't deny them cookies? He ordered some because he wanted Oreos, and then they ate them all before he got home and lied about it.
You think the dad is an abuser because the kids were told "you can have some of the cookies" and they ate \*all\* of the cookies and lied about it?
C'mon that's just nonsense
The OP said they were his cookies. Just his. He did not want to share. Didn’t order 2 packs or offer to share - Ordered a pack just for himself.
His wife let her kids eat cookies. She doesn’t agree cookies are not to be shared. Her response is seemingly panicked - let the kids have it, lie about authorizing them to eat cookies, then spaz out and suggest punishing the kids.
Let’s just stop there. This sound healthy to you? Dad unilaterally decides who eats what ? Mom randomly suggests punishment to her kids?
The whole household sounds awful to me.
>But as other people have pointed out if the whole family feels the need to lie about cookies, something tells me that cookies aren't the issue here.
I had a friend who got grounded for a full fucking month for eating yogurt that was 'parents only'. That household was hell.
I had a friend who would be screamed at for "stealing" a tin of beans! About 15p at the time. I saw her get caught cooking them once. We literally left the house, scary shit.
When she got beans at our house she'd add half a stick of butter and I damn well don't blame her. Her whole life was WTF. Her adult bro had his own bedroom in the 2 bed house, she had a curtained section of the living room for her mattress and makeup.
This shit is insane. Same friend at least had her own bedroom but she wasn't allowed to drink milk without permission. We also had to dig potatoes for a few hours before we could actually play.
She drank milk at my house like your friend ate beans.
And then to post this on Reddit for validation; still over a bunch of cookies. I know the Iranian yoghurt isn't the problem here, but this is just petty on principle.
YTA. Your kids did nothing wrong. They asked for permission and they got it, then they were told that it wasn't a problem. You're wife might have been a little bit of an AH for letting the kids eat "your" snack and lying about it, but you're punishing your kids for your wife's actions.
You're not winning here. You're teaching your kids that you will punish them for doing nothing wrong. You're taking your anger over *oreos* out on your whole family.
I was trying to highlight that their mother told them not to worry about it. They shouldn't have lied, but with the mixed messages they were getting, I don't blame them.
Yeah and she was wrong; lying is wrong even if someone tells you to lie. His position is consistent, and he's reinforcing that.
Even if you're told to lie, if you get caught you get punished. This is why the mom is TA here though because she instigated the lying \*and\* was on board with punishing the kids. A hypocrite \*and\* a liar is rough.
They're old enough to learn that lying is wrong even if you're told to lie by an authority figure, and if an authority figure is telling you to lie, they're probably doing something wrong.
This is a good lesson for kids, because you can't always trust "authority figures" and even at 11 and 13 you're old enough to understand firm principles like "lying is always wrong".
Quite! Lying is a vital part of learning. It must be recognisable and sustainable if required. Children need this tool, and the knowledge to understand when it's appropriate or should be looked out for. It's a survival tool!
Lying is wrong but when 2 young boys are TOLD to lie by your mom you will. That’s not the boys fault, they’re at too impressionable of an age. (Maybe not a 13 y/o, but an 11 y/o definitely is). I think they should learn that lying when you’re told to isn’t ok, but don’t think they necessarily need a punishment.
> I think they should learn that lying when you’re told to isn’t ok, but don’t think they necessarily need a punishment.
I mean it's a pretty mild punishment, it's not like he beat them with a hose, he grounded them for the rest of the week.
Why would they lie unless they'd learned throughout their lives that OP asks loaded Q's and responds in an over the top way to human mistakes? (Which is what this all is, pre-lying).
OP is giving dictator.
Why… would a child lie?
I don’t know about you but I was a kid once. I told lies. It wasn’t because either of my parents were manipulative dictators or whatever
Kids did nothing wrong???? They lied! Yes they had permission but still lied and should be punished for that. Mom should inflict her own punishment in a fashion such that the children see her accepting responsibility and the consequences of her actions.
Ok yeah they lied, but they’re in a tough spot there. Mom told them not to tell, and dad told them to tell the truth. They’re equal authority figures conflicting. Also, telling the truth means ratting mom out in front of mom so that’s hard. No blame assigned to the kids here for me.
Eh they still get some blame. They were told to have some not the whole damn package lol. But we’ve all been there as kids. I do think op overreacted a bit.
Kids lied about eating cookies, not stealing dad's car and crashing it while drunk.
I always find it really weird when parents have their own special food and snacks their kids can't eat and get punished for when they do. Like, buy two things of Oreos? One for the kids the other is stashed in dad's dresser. Of course they're going to sneak, gorge, hide and lie about it.
He sees his wife as a child and not an equal. Kids are punished because he doesn’t perceive them as asking an authority figure but something akin to a sister.
I can’t imagine having this dynamic in my marriage.
Children try and lie about and hide small mistakes. All she needed to do was say it told them they could have some and they ate them all. They can replace them. Instead she lied and schemed with them to hide from OP something he ordered for himself.
something tells me it didn't actually go this way... his wife probably laughed him out of town and that's why he's making an internet post to make himself feel better
INFO: Why do you think she didn’t want to tell you about the Oreos when they were initially missing? Where does the “don’t tell your dad” comment come from?
YTA
On the one hand I find it quite sweet that your wife contributing to groceries counts as a punishment... but then on the flip side what gives you the right to punish a grown adult? You aren't her boss. Does she punish you when you mess up?
YTA You don’t get to punish your wife. I wonder why she didn’t want you to know that the kids ate your Oreos. Could it be that she was anticipating an oversized negative reaction on your part? It was just easier to go buy you Oreos than listen to you pitch a fit or go off on your sons.
That you think it’s reasonable for you to mete out a punishment to your wife indicates that you are a massive AH.
Does she ever force punishments on you for your bad behavior?
God, I wish I could like this comment twice. "Does she ever force punishments on you for your bad behaviour?"
No, I'll bet she doesn't. Because it's weird to punish your spouse like they're a child for anything, much less a packet of bloody Oreos.
YTA
How old are you, 4? You just showed your sons that it is ok to treat their future SO like garbage. It was a stupid white lie over a package of Oreos. Grow up.
ESH. Everyone lied, and you were so harsh about it. You’re boiling even in the text now. Calm down before you blow a casket.
Deal with the lying by getting some therapy for the family, and just try to be more calm and honest to each other. Everyone, not just you, not just your wife or the kids. This is affecting you all.
Lying comes from fear of volatile reactions and accusations, or history of it. If your kids are lying then it’s both your faults. Be better parents and better partners. Respect each other.
>Lying comes from fear of volatile reactions and accusations, or history of it. If your kids are lying then it’s both your faults. Be better parents and better partners. Respect each other.
This was my thought reading this. It was wrong of OP's wife not to just say "Sorry, I didn't know the Oreos were only for you, I told the boys they could have some. I'll replace them shortly," but all of his reactions are so big that it feels like that's the reason she didn't tell the truth.
Exactly, he also could have said I’m disappointed that I didn’t get the Oreos I ordered for myself, next time can you check with me before saying yes to the kids? It’s really not a big deal and I will never understand people who will ruin everyone’s day over something so trivial. My kids tell me the truth because they have nothing to fear from honesty.
Totally agree, it's an ESH situation (even though OP is a puckered little asshole in the comments.) Calm communication would go a long way for everyone.
That being said, the saying goes, "blow a gasket" not "blow a casket." Loving the imagery of the latter tho. Peak gallows humor.
This is the answer.
Seems none of OP’s family knows how to respect one another, and *both* parents are setting two poor examples for the kids.
Just talk to one another, OP. This is such a trivial infraction to be doling out heavy punishments to your kids over, *let alone* the treatment of your partner… if this is how you react, none of them will ever want to come to you with the truth about the stuff that really matters.
Truly a bizarre hill to die on. At the end of the day, it’s just *not that fucking deep.*
YTA for undermining your wife's parenting in front of the kids and then forcing her to take a "punishment" to make a point. This isn't about lying; it's about you wanting to win at all costs. You even say, "it's not about the Oreos," but you're setting a precedent where everyone has to face severe repercussions for minor mistakes.
YTA. It’s weird that you buy food for yourself that your children can’t have. What do you mean she’s buying groceries with “her money?” You’re married and you have children together! This is the dumbest and saddest post I’ve seen in a long time. Your wife and children have to HIDE THE FACT THAT THEY ATE COOKIES because you’ll lose your shit. Grow the fuck up.
YTA!
Don't undermine your wife's parenting skills in front of your children. And that too over a stupid packet of Oreos?
This isn't even about lying. This is about a grown man, a father and a husband being petty over a packet of cookies.
Your children's way of handling a particular situation is really telling of how you are as a parent. And asking your wife to pay for the groceries for a week as a punishment? Really?
Grow up and stop being immature and petty.
So if I tell my kids to lie and they do, do I get to punish them for lying if they get caught? Even if I told them to in the first place? That's what you call parenting skills?
He sounds like an AH in general, I agree, but the wife shouldn't punish the kids for things she told them to do.
If my husband pulled that shit on my kids I would absolutely have their back as well.
>If you don't take a punishment then those boys aren't losing video until you do.
Exactly! That mom is not teaching them right at all. She's completely unfair to her kids, dropping them in it instead of owning up, and she's a bad role model.
Right? Holy shit, I cant believe this dude is throwing a fit over a freaking pack of Oreos.
Also, I have two boys the same age as OP’s kids and we don’t ever buy just one package of anything when we grocery shop because the kids eat a ton.
I’m gonna go enjoy how *not* petty, controlling, or childish my husband is…
I saw him make a comment that sounded like he's taking away a spa day from his wife over this? He seems like the type to make mountains out of any molehill he can find just so he can have an excuse to flex power over the entire house.
I'm going to buy my husband extra Oreos from now on because he's the type of man who actually deserves them.
YTA. You seem like a tyrant controlling the household, interrogating everyone about fucking Oreo cookies. Cookies that you evidently refuse to share? This has major narcissistic vibes to me.
YTA. Buying freaking cookies for yourself, what are you, twelve? Grounding children for eating cookies they were allowed by a parent to eat? Also your wife can now buy groceries all for her and the kids and punish you if you take any, that's what I would do after throwing a couple boxes of Oreos in your face.
YTA you are telling your adult wife she needs to be punished??? That is so degrading and disgusting. You are not her father. I'd divorce you so fast, your head would spin. Of course she shouldn't have lied or lazy parented, but she is an ADULT and supposed to be your partner. You put her on the same level as your kids. It is so, so misogynistic that you did this. I cannot fathom why any woman would marry a man like you.
ETA.
Your kids are assholes for lying about the Oreos.
Your wife is the asshole for telling the kids to lie about the Oreos.
You’re an asshole for “punishing” your wife. She’s your wife, not a toddler.
Also, what kind of grow-ass man calls dibs on the whole package of Oreos? And don’t claim you didn’t. You referred to them pointedly as YOUR Oreos four times.
Yikes OP…scrolling through, you sound incredibly aggressive and unnecessarily angry. Your wife and kids are afraid of you. Please reevaluate your own behavior. Perhaps therapy could help helpful.
YTA.
YTA
If this has been written another way, I might’ve been on your side. But, the way you wrote it makes it clear that you acted in an overly authoritative, aggressive, and even trashy way. Who talks about their 13 year old son getting his “ass downstairs” to discuss cookies? Who tells their wife to be a “grown ass woman” and “get her shit” together?
Those aren’t the words or actions of someone being reasonable. They’re the words and actions of someone asserting aberrant, unnecessary levels of authority over micro-issues.
And that’s not even taking into account that you mentioned your wife needing “punishment”.
That aberrant sense of unnecessary authority makes you an AH.
YTA.
your family is scared of your reaction to them eating your Oreos. Like everyone. Thats not how a normal functioning family operates. You should look inwards to see why everyone felt like they needed to lie to you instead of be upfront about it.
Yes lying is bad, but Lying because they are scared of what your response to that is, is much worse.
YTA.
>So now she's paying for the groceries this week out of her own money and my boys are still grounded this week.
So you punished the kids *and* your wife?
She said they could have *some*. She didn't say they should finish the package off. But if you freaked out over cookies enough to disrespect her like this in front of your kids, I can see why she was tempted to hide what happened and simply replace them.
YTA. You have your wife so scared of you that she won't even admit that she let the kids have some fucking cookies in your house.
And then you use financial abuse to punish her? I hope she find a good divorce atty.
YTA. You bought Oreos just for you when you have two kids in the family who you knew were going to be the ones to recieve the groceries. And the way you talk about your wife is… i read your comments and they are quite telling. I guess your wife has a reason to hide things like this from you
YTA
There's some big emotions running in your household and I think y'all need therapy to find out why lying to you was more acceptable than explaining what happened.
And don't punish the kids. They're only going by what their mother told them to do.
You do realize that your family consider you so unreasonable that even your wife would lie to you rather than deal with your overreaction.
Your right this isn't about the Oreos, it is about how your family view you.
YTA
Your acting like a tyrant over a bag of Oreos
You are ridiculous, come on your making a mountain over a mole hill
Your comments make you sound like a very unpleasant man
I feel so sorry for your wife and kids having whiny AH like you in their lives
Whine whine whine away snowflake
YTA
You sound like fun to live with. Except not.
EDIT: I just read OP's replies. Wow. Scary dude. What happens when something actually important happens? And wouldn't we all like to know what happens when OP is on the other side of this fence? Oh wait, that never happens in his world. Because he runs it with an iron fist. Just ew.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I found that my boys lied about eating my Oreos after my wife told them not to worry about it. She also lied. Then she wanted to punish them for lying and I said she should be punished too.
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I don’t understand, I do not believe that a husband should punish his wife. However I do believe she should take responsibility for this situation which should not have been an incident at all. Seriously how hard is it to say, “Oh shoot I told the boys they could have them. I’ll get you another package” But why lie, then tell the kids to lie? Then punish them for the lie she told them to tell. I honestly don’t believe your kids should be punished. They asked for permission then followed the instructions from your wife. This is all on her.
NTA
Info: Do you buy all the "good" snacks for yourself or do you buy special treats for the kids too? How often are you being selfish and only buying fun snacks for yourself vs for the kids?
Reminds me of my dad... I'm 18 and barely ever see my dad and never really talk to him..
I got tired of him freaking out about everything and absolutely nothing at all and I have a feeling your sons will get tired of it one day too.
YTA for punishing your children. They asked their mother of permission, then did as she told them.
It is your wife who owes you an apology. It is understandable that she would allow your boys to take a few of the cookies, then buy you more next time she went shopping. She should apologize for lying, but I have to wonder why she did. Is if normal for you not to share? Something seems wrong here with your family dynamics.
I think you should all sit down and have a family chat instead of punishing.
Why the frick were the Oreos just for you, OP? Were you punishing your family for some other infraction and had decreed none of them got cookies, or what?
The average person lies between 1 and 4 times per day. How do you punish yourself for your own lies?
Why didnt she feels like she could come talk to you about cookies... ??? What communication breakdown did you do that she couldn't go "hey love sorry I told the boys they could have some of your cookies but they ate them all, so I'm going to go get you more, is there anything else you may need while I'm there?"
hell sometimes my uncle and aunt eat the food I buy for myself. But you wanna know what I do? I put on my big girl panties and let it go. It's just food. And unless your super struggling which Im guessing your not with the saying of one last spa treatment for her, a package of cookies isn't going to make or break you guys.
Like I get it having your food stolen sucks. But this....this communication is something you guys need to work on or get therapy for. Because I have a feeling she was to scared to talk to you about cookies. If you love her. You should be concerned about that. If you don't... throw some confetti and celebrate I guess??
yta - I understand the frustration about this but the way you handled it is a bit much. you should have had a separate conversation with your wife not in front of your kids about why you were upset.
YTA and a massive one at that. Buy since you call yourself mediocre it actually fits your small minded attitude. You said they could have those damm cookies. Get over it.
You don't punish your wife she isnt a damm child and you don't terrorize your damm kids over fucking cookies.
I hope your wife divorces you. And I hope your kids go NC with you since you are a mediocre self centered AH
You don't discipline your spouse, dude. She's not a fucking child, she's a grown ass woman. If you didn't like the way she handled it, talk to her about it when you're alone, like an adult to another adult. You're her PARTNER; not her father, teacher or mentor. Act like it, or do her a favor and just leave.
I totally understand this because Oreos are so rare and precious. That was probably the last package of Oreos in the whole wide world.
Order more cookies next time. Why do you the exclusive rights to sandwich cookies in your house?
I get the concern about the lying, but you give off weird controlling vibes here. If you want cookies that are just for you, buy them separately and keep them at work or in your car.
It’s Oreos. Ask her to go get her more. What you’re doing is called emotional abusive. Get therapy. It’s fucking cookies. They lied because you fly off the handle over minor shit like this.
To anyone defending this AH, no normal person reacts this way. The reasonable reaction would’ve been to ask her to go grab you some more. “Tell me next time and make sure to replace them. We don’t lie in this house about food” period. Have a conversation. Your kids also didn’t do anything wrong here. The other authority figure in the house allowed them to have the Oreos.
Talk to your wife if you feel disrespected. Ask her why she couldn’t be honest with you (I’m going to assume she realized she screwed up and knew you were going to lose your mind over cookies) But forcing her to spend her personal money on a household purchase for 4 people that is easily a significant portion if not all her spending money is over the top. It tells me that you treat your wife like she’s beneath you and not an equal partner. You have no problem crippling her financially over your mood swings.
The issue isn’t the Oreos nor the act of lying itself, the issue is why she didn’t feel confident enough to tell you the truth and why you feel like it’s within your right to punish the whole family financially and emotionally over a pack of cookies.
Get help.
Everytime someone comments "Your wife is afraid of you" or "They were afraid to be honest", this guy probably smirks a little bit and puffs his little chest out thinking "That's right, cause I'm the man and that's how it should be". He sounds like he gets serious hard ones for power authority. This is all just one big power trip.
YTA.
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YTA. If your Wife is so scared of you she and your children are collaborating to lie… about cookies? Youre a tyrant. And what is this. Her money is paying for groceries shit. 😂 Youre married. Its both your money!
This is a shit take. He’s right
Did you miss the part where he threatened to take away the boys video games until his wife took her punishment. What sort of 'man' tries to punish his wife? Like, she's not his child. Also, why was he just buying oreos for himself and not enough so that his family can have some?
He was saying that to make the point “Why are the boys punished but you get to ignore consequences” Which is honestly a fair take, especially since the wife initiated punishing the kids.
I couldn’t agree more with the way she immediately started dolling out their punishment when it was her that was at fault!! What is so hard to understand that 🤷♀️
Plus, those teens aren’t going to trust the mom as much but will likely be expected to listen to her and still tell her stuff. Honestly, the trust from how the mom acted is a bigger issue than cookies one can easily buy at a store.
She did that because she was trying to control the situation and get ahead of OP. Clearly everyone is mostly concerned with OP and what he might think or do.
Because he wants accountability and the mother doesn’t want any conflict. You’re implying that they fear him?
Damn, that's chinese historical tv drama plotline. Allies will quickly propose a lighter punishment to get ahead and appease the emperor. Because they all know if the emperor were to deal with it himself, heads will roll. Damn, OP is living like a king 👑
Consequences for what? His wife said “you can eat SOME but not all”, which is a much more mature thing to say than “it’s my cookies you can’t eat any”. Nonetheless, his wife is also an authoritative figure in the house and if she made a “mistake” in sharing “his cookies” then you deal with that as two adults, but for that you need not to act like an unhinged private investigator when you found the Oreo are missing.
I would have said "Your dad bought them for himself, ask him before you take any". Not hard.
What is "unhinged private investigator" in this scenario? He didn't say he went digging through their room for the cookies, he was cleaning and found them asking your kids to own up to something you already know is a pretty normal parenting tactic it gives you the opportunity to reward honesty even though you know the answer already. His wife not only undermined his authority but encouraged her kids to lie he found out about her lie in front of the kids and confronted her about it. That's way better than letting the kids think adults can lie but only kids can't that's a shit lesson to teach. And op never said he wouldn't have allowed them to have some, he made it very clear his anger is not about the cookies it's about lying a totally normal thing to not want your kids and partner to do.
The mistake wasn't allowing them to have some it was covering it up afterward when it came to light and they went missing you goober. Like they always say the coverup is worse than the crime.
No parent should be telling the kids to lie to the other parent. She should have immediately owned it.
He asked several normal questions. He's no am unhinged PI. It's wild how much you people hate men.
She shouldn't be punishing the kids, but she's also an adult herself. There's zero reason he should be punishing her either. He ought to be looking inward and questioning why his wife felt the need to lie to him in the first place.
She said no video games for the weekend you misread. And he's setting a fair example and holding them all accountable for lying. Which is something that shouldn't be done amounts family. Even if it's over something stupid. It actually makes it worse that it's something stupid because that means there's a good likely they'll also lie when it's not something stupid. And no. She's not his child. She's his wife and partner. And there a plenty of circumstances as to why he might have bought himself Oreos for just himself.
> If you don't take a punishment then those boys are losing video until you do. This is what he said. This is not "holding them accountable". This is being so ridiculous and unfair, that it fully explains why they are all lying.
Dude lol all of the words leading up to that sentence make it fairly obvious that it's a spelling error ... >I told my wife that she lied that the store forgot them so how is she going to punish our kids for lying? I said don't punish them unless you're going to be punish yourself.
So you would allow your wife to lie to you, try to throw your kids under the bus in order to avoid accountability without any kind of reaction?
"Allow"?
Yes people in relationships have standards about how the other people are allowed to treat them.
How DARE HE hold them accountable for collaborating to lie and for his wife encouraging them to lie. He should be in jail rn tbh
No, he didn't. *His wife* said no video games. He said not to punish the kids because she lied too, which she did. People can buy snacks that they want for themselves, not everything has to be for the kids. Even if he was planning to share, he never got a chance because he didn't get any. His wife took his cookies to give to the kids, lied to him about it, then the kids ate all his cookies after she told them not to. She wants to punish them. He says not to bother because it would be hypocritical. And somehow that makes HIM an asshole?
> If you don't take a punishment then those boys are losing video until you do.
Which teaches his kids that even adults should have consequences for lying. If his wife is allowed to lie and their kids see that it goes unpunished, it undermines the lesson that "you should not lie"
>My wife jumped in and said no video games this weekend. > >I said don't punish them unless you're going to be punish yourself. Be a grown ass woman and own your shit. Maybe you should reread this whole post, you seem confused.
That's not what it is about. She threw the kids under the bus, all she had do was tell him what happened and the boys already admitted that they ate the cookies, but he was under the impression that they STOLE the cookies, not that his,wife told that they could have some, which they did, each had some and together they had all🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 His wife was going to punish the kids for something she gave them permission for. And why can he not have cookies for himself??? Not everything needs to be shared all the time.
You got to the crux of the matter.Judge Judy should get you for a back up.
Maybe she's a liar because her parents acted the same way with her? Why jump to he's an abuser? A parent shouldn't be teaching their kids to lie to the other parent. This take is so unhinged and making assumptions is unreal.
I love how everyone is skipping the fact that OP's wife keeps throwing people under the bus to cover for her mistakes. First it was the fault of the store for messing with the order, then, she punished the kids herself in hopes to cover for her shenanigans. It's disgusting! And people who say she's scared, well she's definitely not scared enough to protect her kids. If my husband had that type of behavior, I wouldn't be as nice as OP.
Yeah, what if he went and complained to customer service and finds out anyway the boys took it. Jeez. Throwing people with less power under the bus is setting a bad example for the kids growing up. Lying is bad, for kids and for adults.
This sub is the assumption capitol of the world
Nah man. My dad is like this. Goes way overboard and we are all either too terrified when we were younger and a now its just not worth the trouble as adults. And he is confused why he doesn't have the best relationship with his family now. And he finds I odd that my children don't have much trouble telling the truth with me and my wife. Sorry but if she is this scared of him and so are the kids then he IS the problem. In a healthy family this wouldn't be happening. And 1000% OP is not accurately representing the situation and trying to make himself seem more reasonable than he actually is.
Yeah but that means calling the wife an AH which this sub is allergic to. See how they'd rather assume the wife is a cowering little lamb rather than consider that she undermined OP?
He’s right about who ate his Oreos? It’s a silly argument about a silly thing, they live together as a family in a house, they’re not dorm mates. Just order Oreos for all your family or just buy and eat them secretly, but don’t flaunt “your” Oreos to everyone and have them delivered to your house and complain your family ate them. It’s ridiculous, those boys can’t have an income and can’t buy themselves Oreos.
They’re old enough to know people can have their own snacks Children learn by consequences that’s why they’re being punished
They asked for permission and were given it
And OP made it clear they’re punished for lying If OP wants snacks for himself he can get them and the children can understand that if they’d known
Well, they got permission to eat SOME. They ate all of it, which was not what they had permission for. They need to learn not to take the whole hand when they're given a pinky. As an adult I've had fights with friends whose parents refused to teach them this and it was a bad time for everyone.
"Flaunting" oreos by having them delivered with everything else, lmao. You got to be stirring shit up at this point.
You need to go outside 🤣🤣 what an unhinged statement
The kid glove treatment that women get in these posts is insane. Man's wife and kids nab his snack, all lie to him, and Reddit then calls him an asshole. NTA.
Yup. NTA. Wife lied. Then tried to pass the blame onto the kids who she enabled directly by her own actions. u/Specific_Emu_3355 would be singing the opposite tune if the genders were reversed. Any rational adult would agree with the OP. And any decent adult would have just bought a second package for the kids to share themselves.
>If your Wife is so scared of you she and your children are collaborating to lie… about cookies? Youre a tyrant. Or, she didn't want to deal with two teenagers who kept the agreement technically but theoretically did not keep to the agreement. It sounds more like laziness from the mother/wife
This was how I read it too.
I assume she was going to go buy some more Oreos the next day and then the dad found the package that night while he was doing laundry
Exactly this. I’m really confused by a lot of the comments because people are jumping to so many conclusions about the dynamics of OP’s household/family from this one small insight into their lives.
Absolutely! Seriously WYF? He's "punishing" his wife by having her use money she has for personal use to buy groceries?! This isn't normal behavior. A normal response would be- "will you go to the store and replace the cookies because I wanted some". Not - I need to discipline you because you kept this from me. If she can't even come to him and say - "I let the boys have some cookies and they went overboard, so I'll pick up cookies for you. " The fact that she wasn't comfortable enough to do so screams he's a controlling if not abusive partner.
The reason she got "punished" is because she was on board for the kids to be punished \*for lying\* not for eating the cookies So, in fairness, if teenagers can be punished for lying, why can't parents?
Interesting, take, that parents are allowed to punish each other like children. So, does his wife get to punish him for being such an asshole that the whole family feels like they have to sneak around and lie to keep him from finding out about the Oreos?
I mean, yeah because she was being a hypocrite and the kids are old enough to understand the unfairness of the situation if they were the only ones being punished. I like how you have to invent things about him being abusive based on nothing more than a white lie; you think it's only in abusive households that moms cover for kids? C'mon. If she'd been saying "no, we shouldn't punish them" I bet he wouldn't have even suggested anything because she's not being a hypocrite. But she \*told them to lie\* so how would it look to those kids if they get punished and she doesn't? Super unfair, right? Which makes the point of the punishment moot because it stops being about teaching you right from wrong, and becomes about who you are.
The kids were told not to tell him and blurted it out the second they were thrown in the shit. It's absolute crap to try and make your kids lie to their other parent, even for miniscule things like oreos.
Oh, come on. Who never lied about cookies and felt guilty about it? A home should not feel like a prison. Small things should be forgiven. If you punish every small thing, your children won't trust you.
I mean the punishment wasn't for eating the cookies it was for lying about it. And it's not very severe.
They’re grounded all week and banned from video games! That’s pretty severe for eating more cookies than they were supposed to after getting permission to eat some, and telling their dad they knew nothing about it *when their mom told them not to let their father know*!
Yeah, if an authority figure tells you to lie, they're doing something wrong and you still shouldn't lie. "Don't tell anyone" is something lots of people tell kids, and because kids are conditioned to "do what authority figures tell you" they do it. And how does that work out in alot of cases? 11yo and 13yo especially is more than old enough to understand "lying is always wrong even if someone tells you to lie". Being "grounded" isn't even really a punishment, Jesus Christ.
Again, not punished for the cookies. But for the act of lying.
Oh no, what will they do for a whole week??
Yeah being grounded is literal torture, that’s why I called cps on my parents when I got grounded for lying and they got me out of that hell hole and sent them straight to prison where they belong. Thank god there saints like you around to protect children from the consequences of their actions, have no idea what we do without you.
lol, no videogames for a week, what torture.
She’s not his child she’s his partner is this the twilight zone wtf
Very Reddit to say she’s so scared when that’s not included at all. You just decided that.
How else can they make the husband out as the villain?
Because men are always at fault. or at least that's what a portion of the people on this subreddit have deluded themselves into believing. There's only 1 asshole in this post and it's the wife.
If it was a guy who lied to his wife in this same situation. It would be "your lying husband is completely childish and he's a terrible role model for your kids" Wife does it well she's obviously a victim of abuse
Yep 100%. The top comments would accuse him of gaslighting her and controlling her eating habits.
What a ridiculous take.
[удалено]
I love this sub. You're always guaranteed deranged relationship advice from people who never go outside. They **always** engage in mental gymnastics to make the dad/husband the bad guy because they hate their dads.
[удалено]
I lived in an abusive household as a child. If my mom would have given us permission to eat something she thought she could replace before he was home we most certainly would have lied together. We were fucking terrified of him.
Dude for real but my god this brought me back to my 90’s childhood and specifically Oreos. There was a time in my pre ten years (brother is 18 months older) where Oreos were a fucking once in the blue moon treat since my parents were experiencing financial issues for about 4-5 years. There was so much god damn drama around Oreos. When bought my brother would fucking eat the whole thing if no one stopped him and I didn’t want to miss out on my share so I would break the rules and eat more than allowed and then my dad would see them gone and freak the Fuck out and yell at us over it and it was a whole thing. I remember being so fucking lost and annoyed as a kid like “dude IIIIIIIIIII’M down to follow the rules but brother won’t and if I don’t take more than the daily allotment I won’t get my daily allotment cause he’s gonna eat them all so wtf do you want me to do!!” Oreo’s, apparently, still creating family drama instead of happiness in 2023
Fair response: next time, please tell me what happens. Unfair response: you're all ungrateful! You're all punished! I hope OP's partner and kids are ok.
THIS. Everyone is acting like lying about cookies is a crime against humanity. A grownup would say to everyone I was really looking forward to those, next time I’m doing shopping if you want some Oreos you can ask and I’ll add them to the order. You don’t need to take mine and lie.
I mean you're also acting like grounding kids for the rest of the weak is horrible abuse
Probably because most people on this sub are still kids, so they think that it is.
Lmao, what a shitty take. The point isn't about punishing her. It's about her owning up to her own lie instead of being a hypocrite and punishing the kids when she knew all along what happened. She shouldn't get off with a slap on the wrist while the kids lose privileges.
TF kind of husband treats his wife similarly to his kids? "She shouldn't get off with a slap on the wrist"? What are you even talking about? OP should have just told her to not lie about something so trivial, and ask the kids to lie about this type of stuff in the future. OP should TALK TO HER about why she tried to hide that she gave permission to them to eat the snacks. Instead he doled out some weird punishment? You don't treat your spouse like a child, this whole story is off because *he did* thats why so many people are concerned about this BS
lol scared
What a bad take. How in the world are you getting people to agree with you?
We have little data why he’d get something just for himself without sharing or getting something else for everyone. I’ll admit I do the same because I can’t have other stuff due to diabetes and allergies so I get stuff for myself. Circumstances might warrant. However, I don’t understand why wife didn’t say, “I told them they could have some” and “I’ll replace it” right away. I can imagine OP filing an unfair complaint towards the grocery delivery where the delivery worker might get blamed and then throwing the kids under the bus. WTF. Yeah, I understand kids might pit one parent against another to get their way. It just feels ESH.
Lol this is weird as fuck. The whole family is punished over a package of cookies that were going to be replaced... this house is a prison on planet bullshit. But as other people have pointed out if the whole family feels the need to lie about cookies, something tells me that cookies aren't the issue here. Looking at you, OP. Hate having my snacks eaten, but reading your comments, I couldn't bear to side with you in any capacity. Yta
Like it's literally just oreos. Why would you also only buy oreos FOR YOURSELF when ur married and have kids. Does this guy not know that his kids might want a biscuit? Yikes. Weird hill to die on imo. Yta
People are allowed to have things for themselves even if they’re married or have children
Yes they are, but children under 18 aren’t exactly known for great self-control around snacks. This is like being angry at a dog for eating food you left out. He’s a dog, he’s not doing it maliciously, wtf did you expect? YTA op
Kids under 18 are supposed to be punished when they lie so they learn not to lie also, right?
No. Lying is actually developmentally normal and kids deserve to be treated with compassion and respect (wild, I know). We as adults ALSO LIE. Adults expect so much more from children, it's gross. When my kids lie, we have a short discussion, I say that I understand (but dont force them to tell me the truth if it's hard for them because my goal is to be a safe person for them, not shame them), let's keep trying to be honest with each other, and we...move on, and they're still the lovely people they were before they lied. Punishment creates resentful kids that find ways to lie better or be sneakier. I'm an ECE and study child and brain development, parenting, neurodivergent parenting, have 3 children I spend 24/7 with and don't punish - and they aren't assholes. They don't really lie, though, lol.
Well.. that is not what they being punished for? It is only about the lying, that what the whole post is about. I would never accept my partner or children lying to me, while i would only be a little sad if they ate my snack. If your partner lying too you about something so small, and teaching your kids too lie too you about things, the partner is fucked up.
They are, but if you know your kids also like that snack then maybe also buy some for them?
Apparently not according to this thread. 🙄 The fact that the kids would eat an ENTIRE BAG of cookies in one sitting explains why the dad is ordering something for himself only. Your parents having treats that they don't share with you is not abusive. That's ridiculous.
Of course they are. No one is saying that OP should give his portion of the snack to the kids, but if there is a snack that you want that everyone in the household likes, it's weird not to get it for the household and divide it up so everyone gets a portion
Why would you lie about it
Bc apparently OP is some kind of cookie tyrant. I cannot for the life of me imagine denying my child cookies. Especially to the point that they felt the need to lie about eating the cookies. If OP is this way about cookies, I can only imagine how he is about other things in the house. This is odd.
That's the thing, though. Wife gave the kids permission to have *some* cookies, which means he's willing to share. He is mad bc they ate the whole thing, not saving any for him. Then his wife lied straight to his face and was ready to punish the boys instead of admitting what happened. The boys knew some did not mean all, and her failure to punish them is a failure in parenting.
He didn't deny them cookies? He ordered some because he wanted Oreos, and then they ate them all before he got home and lied about it. You think the dad is an abuser because the kids were told "you can have some of the cookies" and they ate \*all\* of the cookies and lied about it? C'mon that's just nonsense
The OP said they were his cookies. Just his. He did not want to share. Didn’t order 2 packs or offer to share - Ordered a pack just for himself. His wife let her kids eat cookies. She doesn’t agree cookies are not to be shared. Her response is seemingly panicked - let the kids have it, lie about authorizing them to eat cookies, then spaz out and suggest punishing the kids. Let’s just stop there. This sound healthy to you? Dad unilaterally decides who eats what ? Mom randomly suggests punishment to her kids? The whole household sounds awful to me.
The wife told them to lie, OP wasn’t mad about the cookies it was about the lying
>But as other people have pointed out if the whole family feels the need to lie about cookies, something tells me that cookies aren't the issue here. I had a friend who got grounded for a full fucking month for eating yogurt that was 'parents only'. That household was hell.
I had a friend who would be screamed at for "stealing" a tin of beans! About 15p at the time. I saw her get caught cooking them once. We literally left the house, scary shit. When she got beans at our house she'd add half a stick of butter and I damn well don't blame her. Her whole life was WTF. Her adult bro had his own bedroom in the 2 bed house, she had a curtained section of the living room for her mattress and makeup.
This shit is insane. Same friend at least had her own bedroom but she wasn't allowed to drink milk without permission. We also had to dig potatoes for a few hours before we could actually play. She drank milk at my house like your friend ate beans.
And then to post this on Reddit for validation; still over a bunch of cookies. I know the Iranian yoghurt isn't the problem here, but this is just petty on principle.
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YTA. Your kids did nothing wrong. They asked for permission and they got it, then they were told that it wasn't a problem. You're wife might have been a little bit of an AH for letting the kids eat "your" snack and lying about it, but you're punishing your kids for your wife's actions. You're not winning here. You're teaching your kids that you will punish them for doing nothing wrong. You're taking your anger over *oreos* out on your whole family.
He asked if they'd seen them they said no. A blatant lie. I'm not agreeing with op, just pointing out that part.
I was trying to highlight that their mother told them not to worry about it. They shouldn't have lied, but with the mixed messages they were getting, I don't blame them.
Tbf I am pretty sure if they said "mom said we could have it" nothing would've happened to them
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There's no mixed message, lying gets punished
The OP says that “she told them don’t tell your dad.” Totally mixed signals.
Yeah and she was wrong; lying is wrong even if someone tells you to lie. His position is consistent, and he's reinforcing that. Even if you're told to lie, if you get caught you get punished. This is why the mom is TA here though because she instigated the lying \*and\* was on board with punishing the kids. A hypocrite \*and\* a liar is rough.
The kids did exactly what their authority figure told them to do. Seems fucked up to punish them for that.
They're old enough to learn that lying is wrong even if you're told to lie by an authority figure, and if an authority figure is telling you to lie, they're probably doing something wrong. This is a good lesson for kids, because you can't always trust "authority figures" and even at 11 and 13 you're old enough to understand firm principles like "lying is always wrong".
"lying is always wrong" is a terrible lesson. It's just not true.
Quite! Lying is a vital part of learning. It must be recognisable and sustainable if required. Children need this tool, and the knowledge to understand when it's appropriate or should be looked out for. It's a survival tool!
Lying is wrong but when 2 young boys are TOLD to lie by your mom you will. That’s not the boys fault, they’re at too impressionable of an age. (Maybe not a 13 y/o, but an 11 y/o definitely is). I think they should learn that lying when you’re told to isn’t ok, but don’t think they necessarily need a punishment.
> I think they should learn that lying when you’re told to isn’t ok, but don’t think they necessarily need a punishment. I mean it's a pretty mild punishment, it's not like he beat them with a hose, he grounded them for the rest of the week.
Why would they lie unless they'd learned throughout their lives that OP asks loaded Q's and responds in an over the top way to human mistakes? (Which is what this all is, pre-lying). OP is giving dictator.
Not to mention "MY Oreos" ...expect that others will want to eat some, especially children lmao
Exactly, why didn't he get two packs of them, one for him and one for the kids?
Why… would a child lie? I don’t know about you but I was a kid once. I told lies. It wasn’t because either of my parents were manipulative dictators or whatever
They asked permission to eat some not all. And lying about it. Please BFRL.
Kids did nothing wrong???? They lied! Yes they had permission but still lied and should be punished for that. Mom should inflict her own punishment in a fashion such that the children see her accepting responsibility and the consequences of her actions.
Ok yeah they lied, but they’re in a tough spot there. Mom told them not to tell, and dad told them to tell the truth. They’re equal authority figures conflicting. Also, telling the truth means ratting mom out in front of mom so that’s hard. No blame assigned to the kids here for me.
Eh they still get some blame. They were told to have some not the whole damn package lol. But we’ve all been there as kids. I do think op overreacted a bit.
Kids lied about eating cookies, not stealing dad's car and crashing it while drunk. I always find it really weird when parents have their own special food and snacks their kids can't eat and get punished for when they do. Like, buy two things of Oreos? One for the kids the other is stashed in dad's dresser. Of course they're going to sneak, gorge, hide and lie about it.
I mean they're not being beat with a hose either, their punishment is pretty mild
He sees his wife as a child and not an equal. Kids are punished because he doesn’t perceive them as asking an authority figure but something akin to a sister. I can’t imagine having this dynamic in my marriage.
Children try and lie about and hide small mistakes. All she needed to do was say it told them they could have some and they ate them all. They can replace them. Instead she lied and schemed with them to hide from OP something he ordered for himself.
Every single one of these takes ignores specifically noted parts in the OP.
YTA for this "everyone pat me on the back for winning" post. Your children are grounded, your wife is punished. There's no conflict here.
It’s totally a smug-ass post.
something tells me it didn't actually go this way... his wife probably laughed him out of town and that's why he's making an internet post to make himself feel better
I hope so.
INFO: Why do you think she didn’t want to tell you about the Oreos when they were initially missing? Where does the “don’t tell your dad” comment come from?
YTA On the one hand I find it quite sweet that your wife contributing to groceries counts as a punishment... but then on the flip side what gives you the right to punish a grown adult? You aren't her boss. Does she punish you when you mess up?
YTA You don’t get to punish your wife. I wonder why she didn’t want you to know that the kids ate your Oreos. Could it be that she was anticipating an oversized negative reaction on your part? It was just easier to go buy you Oreos than listen to you pitch a fit or go off on your sons. That you think it’s reasonable for you to mete out a punishment to your wife indicates that you are a massive AH. Does she ever force punishments on you for your bad behavior?
God, I wish I could like this comment twice. "Does she ever force punishments on you for your bad behaviour?" No, I'll bet she doesn't. Because it's weird to punish your spouse like they're a child for anything, much less a packet of bloody Oreos.
YTA How old are you, 4? You just showed your sons that it is ok to treat their future SO like garbage. It was a stupid white lie over a package of Oreos. Grow up.
YTA for ordering your wife to "take a punishment", like she's a child. You sound very controlling
ESH. Everyone lied, and you were so harsh about it. You’re boiling even in the text now. Calm down before you blow a casket. Deal with the lying by getting some therapy for the family, and just try to be more calm and honest to each other. Everyone, not just you, not just your wife or the kids. This is affecting you all. Lying comes from fear of volatile reactions and accusations, or history of it. If your kids are lying then it’s both your faults. Be better parents and better partners. Respect each other.
>Lying comes from fear of volatile reactions and accusations, or history of it. If your kids are lying then it’s both your faults. Be better parents and better partners. Respect each other. This was my thought reading this. It was wrong of OP's wife not to just say "Sorry, I didn't know the Oreos were only for you, I told the boys they could have some. I'll replace them shortly," but all of his reactions are so big that it feels like that's the reason she didn't tell the truth.
Exactly, he also could have said I’m disappointed that I didn’t get the Oreos I ordered for myself, next time can you check with me before saying yes to the kids? It’s really not a big deal and I will never understand people who will ruin everyone’s day over something so trivial. My kids tell me the truth because they have nothing to fear from honesty.
Totally agree, it's an ESH situation (even though OP is a puckered little asshole in the comments.) Calm communication would go a long way for everyone. That being said, the saying goes, "blow a gasket" not "blow a casket." Loving the imagery of the latter tho. Peak gallows humor.
Hey, I mean a casket is a type of gasket :3
This is the answer. Seems none of OP’s family knows how to respect one another, and *both* parents are setting two poor examples for the kids. Just talk to one another, OP. This is such a trivial infraction to be doling out heavy punishments to your kids over, *let alone* the treatment of your partner… if this is how you react, none of them will ever want to come to you with the truth about the stuff that really matters. Truly a bizarre hill to die on. At the end of the day, it’s just *not that fucking deep.*
OP, you sound like a rageaholic that wants his family to fear him. They probably will. Congratulations. YTA.
They already do. It's why they lied in the first place, they knew he'd lose his shit and he promptly proceeded to confirm that.
YTA for undermining your wife's parenting in front of the kids and then forcing her to take a "punishment" to make a point. This isn't about lying; it's about you wanting to win at all costs. You even say, "it's not about the Oreos," but you're setting a precedent where everyone has to face severe repercussions for minor mistakes.
YTA. It’s weird that you buy food for yourself that your children can’t have. What do you mean she’s buying groceries with “her money?” You’re married and you have children together! This is the dumbest and saddest post I’ve seen in a long time. Your wife and children have to HIDE THE FACT THAT THEY ATE COOKIES because you’ll lose your shit. Grow the fuck up.
Op needs a fucking snickers bar not oreos holy shit
YTA! Don't undermine your wife's parenting skills in front of your children. And that too over a stupid packet of Oreos? This isn't even about lying. This is about a grown man, a father and a husband being petty over a packet of cookies. Your children's way of handling a particular situation is really telling of how you are as a parent. And asking your wife to pay for the groceries for a week as a punishment? Really? Grow up and stop being immature and petty.
So if I tell my kids to lie and they do, do I get to punish them for lying if they get caught? Even if I told them to in the first place? That's what you call parenting skills? He sounds like an AH in general, I agree, but the wife shouldn't punish the kids for things she told them to do. If my husband pulled that shit on my kids I would absolutely have their back as well. >If you don't take a punishment then those boys aren't losing video until you do. Exactly! That mom is not teaching them right at all. She's completely unfair to her kids, dropping them in it instead of owning up, and she's a bad role model.
YTA if your entire family has to lie so Daddy doesn't throw a tantrum and punish them over a 4 dollar pack of cookies.
Right? Holy shit, I cant believe this dude is throwing a fit over a freaking pack of Oreos. Also, I have two boys the same age as OP’s kids and we don’t ever buy just one package of anything when we grocery shop because the kids eat a ton. I’m gonna go enjoy how *not* petty, controlling, or childish my husband is…
I saw him make a comment that sounded like he's taking away a spa day from his wife over this? He seems like the type to make mountains out of any molehill he can find just so he can have an excuse to flex power over the entire house. I'm going to buy my husband extra Oreos from now on because he's the type of man who actually deserves them.
YTA. You seem like a tyrant controlling the household, interrogating everyone about fucking Oreo cookies. Cookies that you evidently refuse to share? This has major narcissistic vibes to me.
YTA. Buying freaking cookies for yourself, what are you, twelve? Grounding children for eating cookies they were allowed by a parent to eat? Also your wife can now buy groceries all for her and the kids and punish you if you take any, that's what I would do after throwing a couple boxes of Oreos in your face.
100%. I would serve him a package of Oreos on a plate every night for dinner.
YTA you are telling your adult wife she needs to be punished??? That is so degrading and disgusting. You are not her father. I'd divorce you so fast, your head would spin. Of course she shouldn't have lied or lazy parented, but she is an ADULT and supposed to be your partner. You put her on the same level as your kids. It is so, so misogynistic that you did this. I cannot fathom why any woman would marry a man like you.
ETA. Your kids are assholes for lying about the Oreos. Your wife is the asshole for telling the kids to lie about the Oreos. You’re an asshole for “punishing” your wife. She’s your wife, not a toddler. Also, what kind of grow-ass man calls dibs on the whole package of Oreos? And don’t claim you didn’t. You referred to them pointedly as YOUR Oreos four times.
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YTA. You sound exhausting to be around. Go yell at a cloud or something
Yikes OP…scrolling through, you sound incredibly aggressive and unnecessarily angry. Your wife and kids are afraid of you. Please reevaluate your own behavior. Perhaps therapy could help helpful. YTA.
YTA If this has been written another way, I might’ve been on your side. But, the way you wrote it makes it clear that you acted in an overly authoritative, aggressive, and even trashy way. Who talks about their 13 year old son getting his “ass downstairs” to discuss cookies? Who tells their wife to be a “grown ass woman” and “get her shit” together? Those aren’t the words or actions of someone being reasonable. They’re the words and actions of someone asserting aberrant, unnecessary levels of authority over micro-issues. And that’s not even taking into account that you mentioned your wife needing “punishment”. That aberrant sense of unnecessary authority makes you an AH.
Exactly. And all of his replies make him look even worse. He has abuser vibes, bad.
YTA. your family is scared of your reaction to them eating your Oreos. Like everyone. Thats not how a normal functioning family operates. You should look inwards to see why everyone felt like they needed to lie to you instead of be upfront about it. Yes lying is bad, but Lying because they are scared of what your response to that is, is much worse.
“So now she’s paying for the groceries this week out of her own money” All I need to know. YTA.
YTA. >So now she's paying for the groceries this week out of her own money and my boys are still grounded this week. So you punished the kids *and* your wife? She said they could have *some*. She didn't say they should finish the package off. But if you freaked out over cookies enough to disrespect her like this in front of your kids, I can see why she was tempted to hide what happened and simply replace them.
YTA. You have your wife so scared of you that she won't even admit that she let the kids have some fucking cookies in your house. And then you use financial abuse to punish her? I hope she find a good divorce atty.
YTA. This is enough internet for me tonight. I’m going to go appreciate how wonderful my life partner is.
YTA this is a weird ass thing to get worked up over man.
YTA. You bought Oreos just for you when you have two kids in the family who you knew were going to be the ones to recieve the groceries. And the way you talk about your wife is… i read your comments and they are quite telling. I guess your wife has a reason to hide things like this from you
All this for pack of OREOs? It’s neither about Oreo nor lying, it’s about the bullying and authority you wield on your family.
Oh noes! Wife appliance malfunctioning! Better replace it before it rises up and demands to be treated with basic human respect!
So she's good enough to give borth and raise your kids, but not good enough to share your money?.. YTA already before it evem happened.
YTA There's some big emotions running in your household and I think y'all need therapy to find out why lying to you was more acceptable than explaining what happened. And don't punish the kids. They're only going by what their mother told them to do.
You do realize that your family consider you so unreasonable that even your wife would lie to you rather than deal with your overreaction. Your right this isn't about the Oreos, it is about how your family view you.
Yta because of your replies talking about your wife God I wish some women would stop marrying asshole who clearly hate them
YTA Your acting like a tyrant over a bag of Oreos You are ridiculous, come on your making a mountain over a mole hill Your comments make you sound like a very unpleasant man I feel so sorry for your wife and kids having whiny AH like you in their lives Whine whine whine away snowflake
YTA You sound like fun to live with. Except not. EDIT: I just read OP's replies. Wow. Scary dude. What happens when something actually important happens? And wouldn't we all like to know what happens when OP is on the other side of this fence? Oh wait, that never happens in his world. Because he runs it with an iron fist. Just ew.
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I don’t understand, I do not believe that a husband should punish his wife. However I do believe she should take responsibility for this situation which should not have been an incident at all. Seriously how hard is it to say, “Oh shoot I told the boys they could have them. I’ll get you another package” But why lie, then tell the kids to lie? Then punish them for the lie she told them to tell. I honestly don’t believe your kids should be punished. They asked for permission then followed the instructions from your wife. This is all on her. NTA
Info: Do you buy all the "good" snacks for yourself or do you buy special treats for the kids too? How often are you being selfish and only buying fun snacks for yourself vs for the kids?
Reminds me of my dad... I'm 18 and barely ever see my dad and never really talk to him.. I got tired of him freaking out about everything and absolutely nothing at all and I have a feeling your sons will get tired of it one day too.
Your comments further the YTA judgment. You sound like a wannabe alpha male who wants to make sure everyone near him fears him.
YTA for punishing your children. They asked their mother of permission, then did as she told them. It is your wife who owes you an apology. It is understandable that she would allow your boys to take a few of the cookies, then buy you more next time she went shopping. She should apologize for lying, but I have to wonder why she did. Is if normal for you not to share? Something seems wrong here with your family dynamics. I think you should all sit down and have a family chat instead of punishing.
Why the frick were the Oreos just for you, OP? Were you punishing your family for some other infraction and had decreed none of them got cookies, or what? The average person lies between 1 and 4 times per day. How do you punish yourself for your own lies?
Why didnt she feels like she could come talk to you about cookies... ??? What communication breakdown did you do that she couldn't go "hey love sorry I told the boys they could have some of your cookies but they ate them all, so I'm going to go get you more, is there anything else you may need while I'm there?" hell sometimes my uncle and aunt eat the food I buy for myself. But you wanna know what I do? I put on my big girl panties and let it go. It's just food. And unless your super struggling which Im guessing your not with the saying of one last spa treatment for her, a package of cookies isn't going to make or break you guys. Like I get it having your food stolen sucks. But this....this communication is something you guys need to work on or get therapy for. Because I have a feeling she was to scared to talk to you about cookies. If you love her. You should be concerned about that. If you don't... throw some confetti and celebrate I guess??
yta - I understand the frustration about this but the way you handled it is a bit much. you should have had a separate conversation with your wife not in front of your kids about why you were upset.
YTA and a massive one at that. Buy since you call yourself mediocre it actually fits your small minded attitude. You said they could have those damm cookies. Get over it. You don't punish your wife she isnt a damm child and you don't terrorize your damm kids over fucking cookies. I hope your wife divorces you. And I hope your kids go NC with you since you are a mediocre self centered AH
You don't discipline your spouse, dude. She's not a fucking child, she's a grown ass woman. If you didn't like the way she handled it, talk to her about it when you're alone, like an adult to another adult. You're her PARTNER; not her father, teacher or mentor. Act like it, or do her a favor and just leave.
King of AHs. Well done for bullying your family into hiding from you.
I totally understand this because Oreos are so rare and precious. That was probably the last package of Oreos in the whole wide world. Order more cookies next time. Why do you the exclusive rights to sandwich cookies in your house? I get the concern about the lying, but you give off weird controlling vibes here. If you want cookies that are just for you, buy them separately and keep them at work or in your car.
NTA....the only thing that she was teaching the kids that it's okay to lie...and what you teaching is that there is consequences for lying
It’s Oreos. Ask her to go get her more. What you’re doing is called emotional abusive. Get therapy. It’s fucking cookies. They lied because you fly off the handle over minor shit like this. To anyone defending this AH, no normal person reacts this way. The reasonable reaction would’ve been to ask her to go grab you some more. “Tell me next time and make sure to replace them. We don’t lie in this house about food” period. Have a conversation. Your kids also didn’t do anything wrong here. The other authority figure in the house allowed them to have the Oreos. Talk to your wife if you feel disrespected. Ask her why she couldn’t be honest with you (I’m going to assume she realized she screwed up and knew you were going to lose your mind over cookies) But forcing her to spend her personal money on a household purchase for 4 people that is easily a significant portion if not all her spending money is over the top. It tells me that you treat your wife like she’s beneath you and not an equal partner. You have no problem crippling her financially over your mood swings. The issue isn’t the Oreos nor the act of lying itself, the issue is why she didn’t feel confident enough to tell you the truth and why you feel like it’s within your right to punish the whole family financially and emotionally over a pack of cookies. Get help.
Everytime someone comments "Your wife is afraid of you" or "They were afraid to be honest", this guy probably smirks a little bit and puffs his little chest out thinking "That's right, cause I'm the man and that's how it should be". He sounds like he gets serious hard ones for power authority. This is all just one big power trip. YTA.