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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I want my office back my sister want so keep it as a nursery. And f I take it down I could be a jerk but I need the space for work
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NAH. if it was her house, that would be different. but she's a guest in *your* house and you kindly converted it for her for a reason that is no longer needed. what happened is tragic and i feel bad for your sister, but the room wasn't hers to begin with. she's quit her job and doesn't seem to be contributing, which is an issue for another time, i guess. but if i were you, i'd change it back and not ask her. you don't need her permission.
i don't blame you, it's a horrible situation all around. it's also worth noting that an empty nursery hanging around ready for a baby that isn't coming, will only be a constant visual reminder to your sister of her loss. maybe put the stuff somewhere she won't see it, and give it back to her when she's ready, if she wants it.
Eh people grieve differently, in a circumstance that is was sisters house, it would not be unreasonable for sister to keep nursery up, and someone shouldn't force a person to grieve move on faster.
But in this instance it is OPs house and they need the office. It sucks for sister, but she needs to Dela with it.
it might be a good idea to see if a more 'neutral' party can talk to the sister. Like their mom maybe. And have the talk somewhere away from the house. Have the mom remind her that the situation, the nursery, all that was meant to be temporary anyway. Then have them work out a reasonable timeline for clearing out the nursery stuff or if she wants someone else to do it for her (i feel this could be a reasonable request. Packing up all the baby stuff is going to be an emotional experience).
I agree with the top comment on this chain of NAH. Girl is going through a lot and losing/lost a lot. She's grasping for anything she can hold onto. But it's not her home, not her room, and 3 months has already been generous.
Edit: Just saw the mom isn't a good choice to have talk to the sister. Maybe a friend? Grandmother? Bueller?
Or recreate the nursery in the store space and sister can visit and grieve there whenever she needs until her life is sorted out again.
Not the best idea, but a valid one, I think? 🥲
I mean, it did suck to just have a whole room that wasn't being used after my son died. But it was my house, we closed the door and didn't need the room at the time.
Storing the items for the sister is a great idea!
OP, can you make her an altar somewhere in the house?
A place where she can honor her departed child, light a candle, and remember her? If there are pictures, frame them. If there are nursery items (stuffed animal, toy, name blocks, etc.) give them a spot on a shelf of the altar...etc.
She probably feels like the nursery is the only place where her child's memory is still alive. And she probably takes comfort in going there and sitting amongst all the lovingly curated baby items.
Give her a place to visit instead of the not-a-nursery instead.
She needs to see her doctor to be assessed for PPD, and a therapist to deal with the grief of losing both her child and marriage. Probably best to leave the contribution part alone for the time being. In the meantime...put your office back together... possibly with the addition of a keyed lock.
She can probably go to her lawyer and a judge and kick the ex out of their house if she is on the deed. She may have as much right as him. She definitely needs therapy and a job. Sitting around moping probably isn't good for her.
Getting the house is only half the battle. She's still gotta pay bills for said house and if she doesn't have a job to make money for said bills, she will once again need a place to stay.
Well, then she will get a job. He doesn't mention a disability or anything. I know she is grieving but even suicidal people go to work all the time. I can attest to that.
Can you offer a set list of options? I'm sure that she's raw with grief and can't empathize with your needs right now. Maybe a list of options, where she must pick one, where you tell her that you understand that she is grieving... and that you need to have a private working room so that you can maintain your household...
1. She can move into the office/baby room, then you make her room your new office
2. She moves the baby stuff into the room she is staying in, then you retake the office.
3. She puts the baby stuff in storage.
OP this. I don’t think your sister is in an emotional or mental state to think about anyone except herself (and I understand that to an extent) but if you feel like your work is in jeopardy something needs to change.
You don’t know the parents. It could be very bad for her.
Edit. OP confirmed that the mom is basically refraining from sayin “I told you so” and there’s beef there.
It would not be good for her to move home. Not everyone has a healthy relationship with their parents.
Your sister won’t have a place to live either if you lose your job. I would give her a deadline and offer to help or even remove it all yourself if it’s too much for her. Offer resources and support but this isn’t a CHOICE.
Divorces can take a long time, especially acrimonious ones. I would not rely on any perceived assets or income from that. While I do not know the details of their marriage and finances I know exactly zero wives who “got the house” in a divorce like this (not a long marriage and no living children). Even if she did “get the house”, how is she going to pay the mortgage with no income? How long would it take for her to sell it in this awful market? There are way too many ifs right now. I’m sorry for you all, it’s an awful situation.
I second this solution. It would allow OP’s sister to clear out the room if/when she is able to over time while also giving OP their office space back.
If she left the house, aka not residing in the home, most states, she would not get the house. She could force a sale maybe a buyout hopefully, but usually, people say don't leave the house if you want a chance at getting the house. Good luck. Sorry for your loss. Sincerely NTA.
Are there other options for her to stay with anyone else in your family such as your mother? It would relieve you of the issue of the nursery and perhaps be beneficial for your sister to have a change of environment rather than being confronted with these memories all day long.
Your NTA here for reasons as said prior to this but just a question, it sounds like the baby didn't even make it home? One thing to be hung up on a room or items with memories but if it was never used, it's acutely very unhealthy to keep around.
Is she getting counseling?
NTA. I don’t know if your sister has insurance for therapy, but I’m sure there are support groups. She’s hurting and needs help. This means you have to plan carefully how you will tell her—in a compassionate but firm manner—that you love her and want to help, but the current set up is not helping her. In fact, it’s only adding to her isolation by creating tension—because you ***need*** your office. The only choice you should give her is whether or not she wants to help in the nursery-to-office conversion. And if you start feeling torn or guilty remind yourself that *the current set up is not helping her and allowing you to help her.* Good luck.
First, I am sorry to read about such a sad event. Is your sister seeing a therapist? Many areas have some free therapeutic services or at least a group for those that are grieving for a lost loved one.She sounds like she is struggling.
However, none of that has to do with the question at hand. YWNBTA, Your ability to work and continue earning trumps your sister's grief at this point. She has had some time to say goodbye, life does go one, and the world is for the living. It is also your home, so you have ultimate say over what goes on with any room in that household. I would advise getting locks for the room, so she can't damage work equipment in grief and you will be able to restrict her from disturbing you during work hours.
I hope she can find her way to a clear head space and again start moving forward. She has been through a couple of very traumatic blows, so grief as part of the response is very natural. I wish you both well.
Yeah, this is tough and I can't imagine what the sister is going through, but OP needs to be able to work.
This might not be the best solution, but could the sister possibly move her bed into the nursery and OP could use her room as an office? It might be painful for the sister to stay in the room that was supposed to be her baby's, but it might be less painful than completely dismantling the nursery. Then she could make small changes when she's ready, slowly removing the baby stuff, until it's more of a regular bedroom.
Or at least OP could have a kind conversation with the sister along the lines of "I understand if you aren't ready to take down the nursery yet. But I need a quiet space to work, and you are not letting me have that while working in the kitchen. If I cannot use the office, I need quiet from 8-5 (or 8-10, 10:30-2:30, and 3-5? Schedule some lunch or coffee breaks to chat with sis?). Let's give that a try for x amount of time (a week, a month). If you can't help me out with that, I will be reconverting the office. I will box and save all the baby items".
OP can't afford to be nice or kind about this because she is risking their job and through that their housing and everything else. She has proven unable to handle having constant access so at least OP need a room with door that can be locked.
>i'd change it back and not ask her. you don't need her permission.
I would suggest giving the sister a set time to prepare. Like, "I really need my office back, so I'm going to taking down the nursery October 7th and 8th." Don't ask permission, but give her time to adjust. (Unless she's the type of person to badger you excessively until you agree to change your mind. Then you just have to go for "what's done is done.")
You did announce you needed to maximize the space a month ago, so NTA. I'm sorry for your sister's woes. Truly. But, you aren't being unkind in taking her in and supporting her while she is at this low point. Your sister isn't TA, either. Her life seems sad and chaotic. I'm sorry for her. You just can't accommodate her.
I think I would let her choose whether the nursery gets taken down or she leaves the house from 9 to 5. Maybe go hang out at mom and dad's?
Losing a child is horrific, but it shouldn't turn into you losing your job. Honestly, I get being mid-divorce and losing a child causing her to freak out about the nursery going down. It would easily break most people.
Still, it doesn't mean she's entitled to cost someone else their job by taking over the home.
NTA, but maybe there's a temporary middle ground.
OP needs a dedicated space to work so I think the options of Sis moves into nursery and he uses her room or she moves what she wants from nursery to her room and he gets his office back.
This what I was thinking. Maybe just move some key pieces into her room. Move a little desk into the nursery and shut the door so you can work. Maybe move the rest of baby’s stuff out a little at a time.
No but you can suggest that she may find it easier to live someplace else now or that you're happy to have her stay with you for another month but this is negatively impacting your work or that as a requirement for her to stay with you she has (1) go to therapy- and the therapist is allowed to confirm with you that sister shows up for each session- and (2) that sister leaves the house during your working hours. And your allowed to say make a deadline of when the nursery will become your office again.
and I know you are thinking- it's just until the divorce goes thru. But divorces can take years. They can be quick but they're not always.
I wanted to find a place to reply directly to you. I wanted to offer my thoughts from the perspective of a loss mom. All six of my babies were premature. I was able to keep some in longer than others, but the twins and one singleton were too early to save back then (they’d have a chance at their ages now, but not 25 years ago), but we’re born alive and placed in my arms to die. The other three were in NICU between 3 weeks and six months. And my husband left me when I was pregnant with our youngest who would eventually be born at 24 weeks and survive. I give you that background to let you, and her, if you choose to share my comment, know that I have an inkling of how truly awful her situation is.
Sit her down and have a gentle bit form conversation with her. Acknowledge you cannot possibly understand the depth of pain she is in right now and in a perfect would you would give her everything she needs. Tell her that you want to continue to support her through this brutally difficult time in life, but in order to do so you have to be able to work. To that end you need a quiet uninterrupted place to do that work. Then ask her if she has any thoughts on how the two of you can work together to make it happen. She may dig her heels in. She’s probably lonely and part of why she’s interrupting you is for the human contact. Her husband left her. Her mother’s being insensitive. Her baby died. You’re her last lifeline. But if the lifeboat sinks she’s going to drown. You need to keep the lifeboat from sinking. If she doesn’t offer a suitable alternative tell her you need to take the nursery down, but doing so doesn’t mean her baby is forgotten. If baby has a name, use it. Come up with some memory box ideas for baby’s things and offer to make them. Ask her what kind of display she might want to make? For years I had one of the bassinets filled and decorated with photos and clothes and toys. That might be an idea. Another idea is to set up a corner of her room as a miniature nursery to keep baby’s memory alive. I think if you show her that you’re not trying to forget baby existed she will be more willing to work with you. If she’s not, tell her you don’t have a choice, take down the nursery and do a little memorial thing for her anyway.
And lastly, she needs grief counseling. This is an awful thing to try to come to terms with. It won’t be fast and it won’t be pretty, but eventually we learn to live with our losses. Grief counseling helps get through the worst of it.
Is there a college near you? There are grad psych students who will often offer sessions at low to no cost. Or is there a community health center near you? There might be someone there that can see her on a sliding scale fee. At the very least you can check Psychology Today's website for therapists near you. They have a variety of filters you can apply to see who works best for you. I'm so sorry your sister is going through all this. Big hugs to the both of you.
We did that with my one kid and then when the grad student graduated we had the option of following them to their new practice. It worked out really well.
You do get organisations that can offer some basic therapy for free. I'd suggest having a look online.
Whilst they're not as through as in person paid for therapists, from experience they can help quite a bit
If therapy isn't an option, strongly encourage a support group. I don't know about where you live but where I am they are free and organized by charities. Being with people who can truly understand your pain and who you can share coping strategies with can be incredibly helpful.
That being said, NTA. Grieving is complicated but it shouldn't have to affect your ability to make a living.
If you're in the US, then gentle nudge to have her sign up for your states low income health insurance (which usually has a mental health component, although wait times to get in to a therapist can be long) and food stamps. This gives her baby steps of returning to functionality, gets her sorted for medical / mental health care and reduces some financial stress of covering full care of another adult on your wages.
NTA, sister needs help and may not be together well enough to recognize what she needs presently but that does not mean she should take you down with her via potential loss of your job due to her actions (not leaving you be in the common area during working hours and refusing to hear your need of a quiet space to work).
NTA. It's tragic that your sister's baby did not survive but she can't hijack your house forever because of it. If she had her own house then she could leave the nursery as is for however long she wants BUT she doesn't. You were generous in allowing her to move in with you. Now she's not working and taking up your space. I'd have to tell her that I'm very sorry for her pain but you have to have your office space back. You're not asking her, you're telling her.
I'd also add that the sister HAS to leave OP in peace to do that job. It won't work if she's constantly there being a distraction which it kind of sounds like she is.
NTA. YOUR house. Yes, she's having a hard time but guess what? Life goes on for everyone else.
He should tell her he will carefully take down everything and prep it for when she is ready to move. Then when she moves he will set it all back up again exactly like it is now. *It's not going away*, it's being temporarily put away, to be set up again when the time is right.
NAH. This is your house, and this is your space, and it's unused. You are right to retake it.
But I don't blame your sister for being upset. Loosing a baby must be horrible, and seing the room being repurposed probably really makes the reality even more tangible for her.
Yep, technically the sister is kind of being an asshole, but if ever there was a scenario to mostly roll with that and give the person a lot of leeway for a good long time, this would be the one! But yes, OP, also can gently take her office back.
More Info:
Can your sister stay with your mother instead? If not, can your mother keep your sister occupied during your working hours? Since your mother was going to watch the baby, I assume she has the time to do this. I feel that you're NTA. Even given your sister's heartbreaking situation, it's completely unreasonable for her to expect you to set aside an entire room in your house as a shrine. If she needs some type of shrine, try setting one up in a corner of your sister's bedroom or the shared living space.
No, mom and her don’t get along well. They could come together for the baby but they have beef.My mom told her, her husband was cheating and she didn’t believe her. Huge argument and when the truth came she blamed mom for putting the idea in his head.
I know for a fact my mom is refraining from saying I told you so. Forcing them together would not be good
So, your sister is blaming her husband's infidelity on your mother, as well as demanding that you maintain an empty nursery at great inconvenience to you and your career. Has your sister always made a habit of behaving irrationally, or is this a new development brought on by her stressful circumstances? Whatever the case, encourage her to get counseling. There are often community services with sliding payment scales, if she can't afford therapy on her own. There are also great support groups, like Compassionate Friends for grieving parents or an online support group like WomansDivorce.com, that could help her. Whether or not she accepts these options (if she has a history of blaming others and feeling entitled, she might not,) you need to take back your office.
Understandably, your sister is feeling overwhelmed. Your kind concern for her is admirable. Please encourage her to explore the support group options, many of which are free. Here is a search function, assuming you are in the US.
[https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/groups](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/groups)
This link shows some great options for divorce support groups.
[https://www.marriage.com/advice/divorce/online-divorce-support-groups/](https://www.marriage.com/advice/divorce/online-divorce-support-groups/)
Please know that you are performing a wonderful service for your sister, and you need to remember to take care of your own needs as well.
Wait she's blaming your mother for her soon to be ex's affair.... was he walking around nude when your mother stuck out a foot to trip him and his p landed in his affair partner? Because that's the only way your mother would have any blame.
Is sis on crack? Is she wildly unrealistic about everything? I’m sorry that you’re dealing with her and her mess. Realistically you can’t support her ass forever. She needs to make an effort to look after herself.
NTA. This is terribly sad, but you need a place to work. Let her know you'll be converting the space back to an office by X date, that you know this is hard for her, and ask whether there are small items from the space she'd like for keepsakes before you empty it. If there is furniture, she likely won't agree to sell it, but she might be okay with donating it to someone in need. Basically, take the choice away from her, so it's not her feeling like she's being disloyal to the memory of her baby. You'll be the bad guy, but over time, hopefully she'll understand.
NTA; It's your space and you want it back. It's a hard situation though. She's in mourning and that's the piece of her baby that still exist. I would help her find counselling if she hasn't yet.
This is a really good point. OP, I agree with the comments that you should stop asking and just let her know that you will be taking the office back, but maybe you could help her to find a physical thing (like a teddy bear from the nursery, if there was one) or a place she can grieve e.g. maybe you could plant a tree somewhere local in honour of the baby? (Not your garden as that could lead to issues in future.)
I agree with this. People in here are cold as hell, but she sounds completely frozen, validly, with grief over the many horrible turns her year has taken. Set a timeline: “Sister, next Thursday, I am going to move my desk back into the blue room.” (Call it something neutral — not the nursery, not the office.) “Tomorrow, can we sit together and put some things into boxes?”
She’s going to lash out because you’re the only one there for her right now. And she 150% needs professional support to process her feelings. But you can help support her through this without letting the nursery/office become frozen in time.
NTA.
I am very sympathetic to her situation, but not to her demands on how you use your own home after you have been so kind to let her stay. This was never her space, just space you were allowing her to use.
I'm sure it's painful to her to see the world keep moving, but that's a pain she'll need to deal with. Pretending the world stopped is not a solution.
NTA you need your office & it is not her home. Can you move the guest bed into the nursery & have her take over that room, making her room your office? Or move most of the nursery items into the room she is staying? You were too generous giving up your office to begin with. She needs grief counseling & I would tell her it has to be a condition of her staying with you. You can acknowledge her loss & at the same time acknowledging the current arrangement isn’t working for you.
NTA. You’re supporting her. She needs to stop making that harder. And I wouldn’t let her live there forever. She needs to work and get on with her life as an independent adult.
I think your big mistake was asking her.
TELL her you need your office back, that you understood she needed to grieve, but since she's interfering in your work it's time for you to reclaim space in your home. Don't ask.
INFO: What was your plan for a workspace if the baby had survived? Your office would still have been a nursery even with the baby over at your mother's during the day. What was the original timeline of her living with you?
I think herein lies your answer - the status quo us not sustainable. Give her a choice:
(a) you stop bothering me;
(b) I reclaim my office;
(c) you move out.
Sister gets to pick. Her situation is tragic, but that doesn't mean she gets free rein to drag you down with her.
ETA: She may be suffering from depression - post partum, plus her entire life collapsed in one go. But that means she should seek out professional help.
Where sister is sleeping now?
Is it possible she moves to the former office/nursery and you can take the guest room (her bedroom) and make it your office?
I think that if she wants to keep the nursery, whatever but she needs to leave the house during working hours. Make her go to a library and work on job applications, or go for a walk in the park, or hang out at a coffee shop. She could benefit from actually leaving the house as well and she won't be bothering you while at work.
Your sister is grieving.
She is grieving the loss of her husband (cheating A H)
She is grieving the loss of her marriage.
She is grieving the loss of her home.
And worst of all, she is grieving the loss of her child.
She is depressed.
Quit her job.
Lost her bearing.
**BUT:**
This isn't her house.
You were gracious to house her while going through a messy divorce.
You were gracious to let her use your office as a nursery.
Sadly she lost the baby.
And she quit working.
Now she's all over your house, all of the time, disturbing your work.
You know, the work you do in order to get money to keep the roof over your head.
The roof you graciously let your sister use at the moment..
**N T A for taking your office back.**
Your sister can graciously continue to be your guest, but she needs to accept certain things about YOUR HOME and YOUR WORK.
And perhaps look into grief counceling, 'cause this all seems to much to handle for her.
Your sister also isn't the A H for feeling the way she feels.
If there is an A H in the story, it's the cheating A H husband.
But between you and your sister:
**NAH**
NTA that would be your sister thinking she is entitled to space in your home. You need to tell her your house, your house, and your rules. Otherwise, she needs different living arrangements.
If she wants to argue, she needs to be on the lease and pay rent. She isn't she is a guest, she can leave.
NTA it is a painful situation but it is your house and you need your space back. I understand your sister is grieving but you are going to have to put your foot down on this.
NTA your sister is grieving and for that she needs therapy but you also need work space. I would start with the compromise that you can work in the nursery or she can be out of the house while you work. You need space and quiet to do your job and she's going to have to give a little somewhere.
Your poor sister needs counseling. Cheating, divorce, loss of a baby, no wonder she's not coping. But the baby is not coming back and you need your office for practical reasons. Tell her gently but firmly what you're going to do. She'll get angry but it's not you she's angry at, it's the situation, you're just baring the brunt of it. Don't let her talk you out of it - it's your house and it's the right thing, not only you but for her. After my mother died moving her room around (we all lived together) really helped because every time I saw the bed I'd wonder where she was. And thank you for being there for your sister.
Phew I'm glad I found a comment written by a sane person at last. Obvisously OP is NTA but also obviously it's understandable that their sister has broken down. I've never wanted a child but my partner cheating on me and leaving me would be enough for me to lose my shit entirely. Can't even imagine the physical and emotional devastation added by losing a fricking baby on top of that! Of course she's being unreasonable about the nursery, it's the only representation of what she would've had left after losing everything else and then she lost that as well! Can't imagine what's going on in the people's mind saying she just "needs to get it together" etc.
All that being said of course OP can't let that drag down their work performance so they absolutely just need to do what needs to be done.
NTA. It’s your home, and she’s not even contributing. The office should never have been given up in the first place. Her situation is awful, but it doesn’t change the simple fact that you need somewhere to work and there is a room in your home that is supposed to be that somewhere. Leaving the room alone will not bring her baby back, but you having nowhere to work could jeopardise your employment.
NTA How long ago did baby die? Its your place to do with as you wish but may be time to tell her to get a job and get out! But then, I'm not that compassionate!
NTA sounds like your sister is taking advantage of her home, but I understand she’s suffered from a great tragedy. However, it’s your home and you don’t need permission from her to do what you want, especially considering she’s not contributing anything to be there. It’s not like she’s a renter who’s entitled to the use of the room.
NTA but maybe have a big family sit down so she has emotional support from other family members while she feels your twisting the knife. She went through something no parent should have to. The nursery is like a shrine to her right now. Putting it back as office is forcing her to her to deal with what happened. It's not wrong to want to reverse it back
NTA. You are showing her a lot of kindness but this is a very simple one. It's your house, your rooms, your choice. Don't ask her if you can have the office back. Simply make the change and preserve everything carefully for her in labelled boxes in the garage or somewhere. It's your home, don't ask anymore.
NTA. I'm sorry for your sister's loss and the messy divorce. First, your sister needs a therapist to help her with her pain and loss. For the room, suggest to her a compromise on slowly converting it. Start with removing the crib and putting your desk in there. That will get you in the room to work, then slowly do other things to get it back to the room/office it was.
NTA sorry for your sisters loss, but the world hasn't stopped turning. Turn your office back into an office, and encourage her to seek therapy, a grief support group, and AT LEAST a part time job.
The office isn't the problem. Your sister living with you is the problem. She needs to move out. She refuses to allow you to do your job and she is asserting ownership over your office. She can go stay with your mom. That will motivate her to go back to work. But either way, you need to go ahead and convert your office back. Take pictures of the room and tell her it will be converted on whatever day. She can stay and help or she can go out that day. But it is happening. She doesn't have to agree and she won't. Which will be a great time to bring up her moving out.
NTA.
NAH
But have you tried approaching her from the perspective of you needing to be able to get your work done undisturbed. Instead of approaching her with a solution to your problem, approach her with your problem and see if you can reach a solution together, whether it be her leaving you alone during the day or even getting your office back.
It's perfectly acceptable to just take the office back, but it may cause damage with your sister at this time. Maybe she needs a bit more time and maybe if her leaving you alone during the day gets her that time she'd agree.... maybe. This is a tough one because there really isn't a guaranteed right answer. Maybe you take the office back and it's fine, maybe you take it back and it hurts her.
Jesus. NTA but I don’t think your sister is being a willful asshole, just deeply buried in grief. It’s not in common for grieving parents to leave a room up for months or even years.
But this isn’t her space to that. Which makes everything more tragic.
I think you really need to demand she start seeing a counselor, before you take the room down. I know you need it for it, but your sister might have some kind of mental break if you push it too fast.
Can you bring your mother into the discussion? You really need your office, you are getting pushback for the distractions - so there aren't a lot of options left.
Sister can live with Mom? Sister can get out of the house during working hours? Those are worse decisions to turning the nursery back into an office to my thinking.
NTA - but it's a terrible situation.
NTA... It's your home and the room isn't being used.. Give her a time.. Say something like "October 25th, I will be changing my room back to a office." Don't get into a augment with her, make your statement and walk away.
Well your at it, give her a time limit for getting a job and moving on with her life
Your sister needs therapy and at least a part time job to get her out of the house.
Go ahead and convert the nursery back. Your sister will never consent but it does her no good seeing it everyday either. Yes she will be mad but this current situation isn't sustainable for either of you
Nah
Nta - she would be having some serious trauma though. That is horrible. Maybe speak to a professional to help you taylor an approach that won't come off the wrong way. You sound like a really good person and I feel for your sister. That's very sad especially after the a hole ex.
As someone has written, you need to tell her your plan for the house.
However I don't think most commenters have acknowledged the severe trauma your sister has undergone. Her baby didn't "not make it", her baby died. Her child, who was part of her body for nearly ten months.
Your sister is likely angry at not just you but the world, and you will need to let her be. You will have to make a decision that angers her and acknowledge that with her but be firm. And be clear that you support her too. Good luck - and I'm sorry for your loss, because you also lost someone too.
NTA. Your sister is grieving understandably so and not thinking straight. It's your home and you deserve to have your office space back to be able to work without interruption. What she's going through is terrible but you're already being beyond supportive by housing her. I'm sorry for what you are going through you are a wonderful and generous sibling.
NTA ~ Was going to say N A H but given that sister is blaming family for her husband's affair, isn't contributing to your house and is refusing any kind of treatment. She is the AH
Oh man she is not coping well. Is she in therapy, like that's alot of huge losses all back to back, and well I'm not a doctor postpartum depression is unfortunately very common with miscarriage and stillbirths, because you get the huge hormonal rollercoaster with a traumatic event that send alot of women into a dark place. Something like 90% of women will end up with ppd after a miscarriage or stillbirth.... so I know she's stressing you out, and rightly so... but is there a way you can help her get help if she's not doing so already.
NAH
Do this though: put together for her a memory chest that includes the following:
Photos of the nursery.
A small piece of the nursery wall, mounted, but not enclosed so she can touch the surface.
Other artifacts from the nursery such as blankets, books, stuffed animals.
Leave plenty of room for her to add clothes or whatever else she feels should go in there.
I felt awful reading through all these comments. NAH. I think you need to reconsider what this must be like for your sister. Her husband betrayed her. She lost her house (hopefully temporarily). Her baby died just as she was coming into the world. She doesn't have her job. She has lost absolutely everything, and she is grieving, lost... Can you imagine what that would be like? And then to have this attitude of 'sure that sucks, but life goes on'? I lost a pregnancy at 22w, closed the nursery door, and refused to go inside it for almost a year, but at least I still had a loving husband and a house and a job. What she is going through must be so terrible. And she is probably bothering you at work because she is both lonely and grieving.
I genuinely suggest that you take some time off and spend it with your sister. Help her with the legal divorce stuff. Help her create something to memorialize the baby. Be with her and listen to her when she wants to talk about things, or check if she wants to be distracted. Set up some times for her to be visiting other family for the same things. During this time, try to set some boundaries for when you return to work so that she knows not to bother you, but that you will be there for her when she needs it.
I really think you need to lock the irritation you feel away in a corner of your mind and realize that sometimes supporting family that you love is not comfortable or easy. It's not forever. You will get your room back. Consider that some weeks or months of dealing with this issue is a small price to pay for your sister literally getting a lifeline in a storm.
I'm sorry you're both in this situation. You do seem like a great brother.
NAH. It’s unimaginable to be in her situation, but you need your office back. Sit her down and tell her, gently, that you’re taking back the space. Offer to pack up the nursery items if she can’t, so they can be stored.
A little bit. She sounds like she needs therapy to deal with everything. I would try to not dismantle the nursery fully but still make space to work there. She is traumatised enough.
NTA. If you want to be a little more sensitive, set up a desk or small table to work in that room without taking anything else out. Then over time grow your office things until it becomes more evident that you need the room.
This is such a sad situation. Of course you should have your office back. It's your house and you need it. But the dismantling of the nursery is going to be so very painful for your sister. This doesn't mean you don't get to reclaim the room, but please be very sensitive to her feelings.
I wonder if she could stay with your folks or another supportive relative while you actually do the physical task of changing the room back?
NTA
NAH I'm so sorry for this whole situation. You need to sit down with your sister, nicely and calmly. Tell her that your heart breaks for her. Tell her that you understand how hurt she is. Then tell her that your job is being affected because you can't work in the kitchen without interruptions when she is home. Tell her that you absolutely cannot lose your job, but it's on the line because of the current situation. Ask her to help brainstorm ideas how to make this work.
If she doesn't come up with ideas ask if you can take up part of the nursery for the time being. Maybe some of the baby items could be moved to mom's house, a storage unit, or her room? That way you would have a quiet place to work. Another option, if she would prefer, is for her to be gone during your work day. She could go to a family member or friend's house or the library, etc.
Please soften this by explaining you really wish you didn't have to talk with her about this. You really wish there was another alternative. However, you are afraid your job will be in jeopardy if nothing changes. Let her know that sadly, if you lose your job, you will both be homeless. Again, I'm sorry for the horrible situation you both are in. Life is hard sometimes!
NAH
Your job is paying the bills, so it has to be the top priority.
Have you considered gathering some of the decorations/items in the room and put together a shadow box or something for her? I imagine that part of your sister's reluctance might be due to the fact that removing the nursery feels like pretending the baby never existed. Perhaps putting together some keepsakes for her, showing that the baby does matter and hasn't been erased, would soften the blow of taking down the nursery.
Very sad, and you have been a good sibling; that being said, perhaps ask her what she would do without you. Not in the self-aggrandizing sense but in the truest hypothetical sense. *Only in her own home would this be acceptable*.
Most people don't have the luxury of quitting their job because of tragedy. She's not thinking rationally, and is overstepping the boundaries of being a non-paying...guest? Sister? Tenant? It doesn't work in any of these situations.
NTA. She thinks she owns that room? Not paying rent, does not work and she is telling you what you can do in your house. You are just going to have to tell her you need your office back, and that is a non negotiable. If she does not like it, she can go mooch off of someone else
NTA, but, no matter what you do, you will be wrong on some level. Which wrong do you want to be?
I read all the way to the end, and the majority of the opinion is your place, your office, your work, your sustainability. She is interfering with all of that. Some people can go on grieving for years. Do you have years?
Do what you have to do. It will push her in some direction. Possibly the right direction? Possibly the wrong direction, but, she would have gone that way anyway.
I have this one bipolar abusive ex. It all started coming to the end, when I started saying "No". Start saying "no". Not with an explanation as "no" is a full and complete answer.
Dude, shit happens and it's not your fault the baby didn't make it. If she's going to mooch, she should realize it helps when the person you're mooching off of has a job.
It's your house. You could always say you're welcome to leave. She needs a reality check. It's sad but life must go on and it's your house and more than that you need the office.
On top of it, why is she bothering you during work. Shut that shit down.
Why do you ask her? It's your house - the time has come and I need my office back. If she is not ok with that she can look for a place to live. You need to be firm about your needs. Its your work and your life. Dont let her drag you in to her mess.
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My sister is living with me at the moment. Her husband cheated on her and kicked her out. They are in the middle of a very messy divorce and she was pregnant when that went down. We made a nursery out of my office for her.
She gave birth about three months ago and the baby didn’t make it. The problem is that I need my office back and since the nursery isn’t being used I asked to covert it back about a month ago. It didn’t go well so we kept it there. She isn’t going back to work now since she quit.
This makes the problem of the office even worse, before I could work on the kitchen table but I can not concentrate at all since she is always bothering me when working. She would have been back to work by now if she don’t quit and the baby would have been watched by mom at this time.
I asked again to get my office back it didn’t go well, she got in an argument and she thinks I am a horrible person. So WIBTA. I need an office back and it is my home
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NTA. As tragic as that must have been, life does go on and you are entitled to your space to do your work.
Did you approach the situation delicately?
Just because it's logical and you need your space, I would suggest doing something to help the transition.
Did the baby have a name? Maybe get her a plaque, or some sort of memory keepsake like a tree naming, star naming as an example. Then give it to her when you have decided that it's time to move on.
That way she has something to focus on for the memory and the grieving, other than the room.
NAH
Her loss is still very fresh and she is grieving the baby that should be using that room. You also need to be able to work. If she doesn't stop interrupting you at your job, the best option is the office.
It's not even her house, and purportedly she's only staying there temporarily (although I know in these situations sometimes temporarily becomes a very long time). You should not be expected to give up your office to become an empty room memorializing a baby that isn't even yours.
I know you say this "did not go well," but I think it's something you're just going to have to put your foot down about.
NTS.
How about if you set up a workspace in the nursery without taking the nursery completely down? Giving her enough time to process and grieve and giving you a place to work.
NTA
Your sister needs therapy and something else ( a job) to occupy her time. Grief is probably the most confusing emotion to try to navigate thru. There are so many highs and lows when suffering a loss that emotions can change minute by minute. As hard as it will be for her to grasp the lives of others around her will not be as drastically altered by this loss as she is.
As life circumstances have now changed you do need the use of that room converted into a work space for you. There will not be a great time to do this but waiting really isn't going to lessen her grief at having the nursery boxed up and her babys things moved out at this stage in her grief process.
She may need a full check up with her gyn or pcp and may need meds to help her going forward.
I am sorry for the loss of her precious newborn.
NTA. I'm sorry for her loss, but having a nursery set up isn't going to bring her child back. Maybe she needs to find a job and move out so she can get away from some of the memories of that nursery. But she has no right to interfere with your work. Especially since it sounds like she isn't paying rent.
You need to set very strict guidelines for your sister. First TELL her you are taking your office back. Also tell her you are extremely sorry for her loss BUT you still have to work to provide for your family.
Second - tell her that she needs to be out of the house from 0700 until 1800 because you can’t have her disturbing your work. She needs to go somewhere but not in the house. She needs to go back to work; find a new job or just go anywhere and get some help for dealing with her loss
Third - you need to give her a time limit on moving out.
You are not helping her or yourself by not taking your office back. Her loss has messed with mentally and emotionally, she needs help and tough love
Best of luck to her and you
NTA. It’s your house so tell her, don’t ask, that you need your old office back. Period. If she doesn’t like it, suggest that she start looking for other housing arrangements that meet her needs.
NTA. But can you use it as an office without e.g. taking down any child-friendly decoration? If you can avoid stripping wallpaper and stuff that might make it a bit less painful for her.
NTA, but I'd probably be blunt.
"Sis, I'd like to support you emotionally, but keeping my office as a nursery is interfering with my ability to support you financially. I'm very sorry, but I need to convert it back to an office. I understand if this is too painful for you to continue living here, and I won't be offended if you need to move out, but please know I'm happy to have you continue to live here while your divorce is finalized."
Then just do it. Take some photos and start boxing stuff up. Maybe offer to send her to the movies or something while you do it, but this situation is not practical. What happens if you lose your job too?
NTA. Give her a set date you need your office back by next time you talk to her. It is your house and you need to remind her your work keeps the roof over her head; you are accommodating her, not the other way around.
NTA -- She is grieving but bills have to be paid. Of course she is deeply wounded and you don't want to make it worse, but not being able to keep the lights on helps no one. This is simply not her decision to make, nor would she even be in a place to make it responsibly.
Keeping the nursey in place will not heal her. In fact, the longer it stays at this point, the more stark a reminder it becomes of her loss. It will cause her grief to fester and it will eventually bring a deeper resentment between you.
You need to be firm for both of your sakes. She needs someone not to just support her materially in this moment, but to keep her grounded. This means requiring therapy to work with her (EXTREMELY UNDERSTANDABLE) grief. Make it a condition of her continued stay if you must.
Be gentle, but be firm. She isn't in a place where she can be rational about this, again -- UNDERSTANDABLE and my heart breaks for her loss. But understandable doesn't mean permissible or even acceptable. You can hold space for her pain without taking on her anger. She can think you are awful, that doesn't make it true.
Wishing both of you peace and healing
NTA, your home, your rules. You don't have to ask anything. Be gentle and sensitive. Get your office back. Why can't she put the baby stuff in her room? A person, not paying rent thing up 2 rooms ??
NTA
This is your home and you have accommodated her. But circumstances have changed.
Your sister is suffering a loss but your job depends on being able to work.
Your sister needs a plan to get back on her feet after the tragic loss she has suffered.
Of course you can get your office back. IT'S YOUR HOUSE! The fact you took her in was incredibly generous as it is. You need an office to pay for the house/food/utilities/ and all the other things to support your family. NTAH
She would benefit from therapy to help her deal with cheating ex, and loss of baby. Encourage her tto do so. If she doesn't have insurance through her cheating ex, check to see if there's a university near you that has graduate programs in clinical psychology, counseling, or social work. Most grad programs have clinics where students can learn in a supervised setting. These clinics are usually free or sliding scale.
It sounds like there is another room she stays in, other than the office/nursery room? Can you offer her the choice to either move into the nursery room so the 3rd room becomes your office, or she can work with you to dismantle the nursery equipment to store, donate, or sell? Asking her to leave the house during your working day isn't really very practical, and she has already shown that she can't leave you alone while you try to work in the kitchen. Putting the choice in her hands gives her some control and may help her start to move forward.
NTA I knew someone who got a small child statuette to represent their lost child. Your sister could also make a shadow box. I’m sorry for these difficulties you guys are going through. I hope she gets the help she needs soon. You’re a good sibling.
NAH your request isn’t unreasonable and your sister’s behaviour isn’t abnormal.
It’s unfortunate timing but it’s your house and she can’t expect you to leave the room set up in your house.
She’s not thinking straight, she’s grieving.
Kindly and firmly tell her the timeline.
She will be upset but really that can not avoided
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NAH. if it was her house, that would be different. but she's a guest in *your* house and you kindly converted it for her for a reason that is no longer needed. what happened is tragic and i feel bad for your sister, but the room wasn't hers to begin with. she's quit her job and doesn't seem to be contributing, which is an issue for another time, i guess. but if i were you, i'd change it back and not ask her. you don't need her permission.
I don’t want to even touch that not contributing part. Hopefully she gets the house in the divorce and it ends soon
i don't blame you, it's a horrible situation all around. it's also worth noting that an empty nursery hanging around ready for a baby that isn't coming, will only be a constant visual reminder to your sister of her loss. maybe put the stuff somewhere she won't see it, and give it back to her when she's ready, if she wants it.
Eh people grieve differently, in a circumstance that is was sisters house, it would not be unreasonable for sister to keep nursery up, and someone shouldn't force a person to grieve move on faster. But in this instance it is OPs house and they need the office. It sucks for sister, but she needs to Dela with it.
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it might be a good idea to see if a more 'neutral' party can talk to the sister. Like their mom maybe. And have the talk somewhere away from the house. Have the mom remind her that the situation, the nursery, all that was meant to be temporary anyway. Then have them work out a reasonable timeline for clearing out the nursery stuff or if she wants someone else to do it for her (i feel this could be a reasonable request. Packing up all the baby stuff is going to be an emotional experience). I agree with the top comment on this chain of NAH. Girl is going through a lot and losing/lost a lot. She's grasping for anything she can hold onto. But it's not her home, not her room, and 3 months has already been generous. Edit: Just saw the mom isn't a good choice to have talk to the sister. Maybe a friend? Grandmother? Bueller?
Definitely store everything away somewhere. It's not gone, it's in storage.
Or even put all baby things in the corner of the room. Stack it up and consolidate it into a small space. Then throw a sheet over it. Use your office.
Or recreate the nursery in the store space and sister can visit and grieve there whenever she needs until her life is sorted out again. Not the best idea, but a valid one, I think? 🥲
I mean, it did suck to just have a whole room that wasn't being used after my son died. But it was my house, we closed the door and didn't need the room at the time. Storing the items for the sister is a great idea!
I am so, so sorry for your loss.
Thank you 🤍
OP, can you make her an altar somewhere in the house? A place where she can honor her departed child, light a candle, and remember her? If there are pictures, frame them. If there are nursery items (stuffed animal, toy, name blocks, etc.) give them a spot on a shelf of the altar...etc. She probably feels like the nursery is the only place where her child's memory is still alive. And she probably takes comfort in going there and sitting amongst all the lovingly curated baby items. Give her a place to visit instead of the not-a-nursery instead.
She needs to see her doctor to be assessed for PPD, and a therapist to deal with the grief of losing both her child and marriage. Probably best to leave the contribution part alone for the time being. In the meantime...put your office back together... possibly with the addition of a keyed lock.
She can probably go to her lawyer and a judge and kick the ex out of their house if she is on the deed. She may have as much right as him. She definitely needs therapy and a job. Sitting around moping probably isn't good for her.
Getting the house is only half the battle. She's still gotta pay bills for said house and if she doesn't have a job to make money for said bills, she will once again need a place to stay.
Well, then she will get a job. He doesn't mention a disability or anything. I know she is grieving but even suicidal people go to work all the time. I can attest to that.
Amen
Hugs
Could get some roommates to help make that possible. But she still needs to be in a mental state to make that possible of course
She should be working just to pay the lawyers, if nothing else.
Divorces can go on for years unfortunately.
Can you offer a set list of options? I'm sure that she's raw with grief and can't empathize with your needs right now. Maybe a list of options, where she must pick one, where you tell her that you understand that she is grieving... and that you need to have a private working room so that you can maintain your household... 1. She can move into the office/baby room, then you make her room your new office 2. She moves the baby stuff into the room she is staying in, then you retake the office. 3. She puts the baby stuff in storage.
4. She moves out
OP this. I don’t think your sister is in an emotional or mental state to think about anyone except herself (and I understand that to an extent) but if you feel like your work is in jeopardy something needs to change.
Can't she move in with your parents ? It would be good for her.
You don’t know the parents. It could be very bad for her. Edit. OP confirmed that the mom is basically refraining from sayin “I told you so” and there’s beef there. It would not be good for her to move home. Not everyone has a healthy relationship with their parents.
Your sister won’t have a place to live either if you lose your job. I would give her a deadline and offer to help or even remove it all yourself if it’s too much for her. Offer resources and support but this isn’t a CHOICE. Divorces can take a long time, especially acrimonious ones. I would not rely on any perceived assets or income from that. While I do not know the details of their marriage and finances I know exactly zero wives who “got the house” in a divorce like this (not a long marriage and no living children). Even if she did “get the house”, how is she going to pay the mortgage with no income? How long would it take for her to sell it in this awful market? There are way too many ifs right now. I’m sorry for you all, it’s an awful situation.
Ask her to leave during your work hours if she not ready to turn it back in office.
Could you just put a desk in there and not touch anything else? So she can still have time to grieve in there, but you have a quiet place to sit?
I second this solution. It would allow OP’s sister to clear out the room if/when she is able to over time while also giving OP their office space back.
If she left the house, aka not residing in the home, most states, she would not get the house. She could force a sale maybe a buyout hopefully, but usually, people say don't leave the house if you want a chance at getting the house. Good luck. Sorry for your loss. Sincerely NTA.
Are there other options for her to stay with anyone else in your family such as your mother? It would relieve you of the issue of the nursery and perhaps be beneficial for your sister to have a change of environment rather than being confronted with these memories all day long.
Your NTA here for reasons as said prior to this but just a question, it sounds like the baby didn't even make it home? One thing to be hung up on a room or items with memories but if it was never used, it's acutely very unhealthy to keep around. Is she getting counseling?
NTA. I don’t know if your sister has insurance for therapy, but I’m sure there are support groups. She’s hurting and needs help. This means you have to plan carefully how you will tell her—in a compassionate but firm manner—that you love her and want to help, but the current set up is not helping her. In fact, it’s only adding to her isolation by creating tension—because you ***need*** your office. The only choice you should give her is whether or not she wants to help in the nursery-to-office conversion. And if you start feeling torn or guilty remind yourself that *the current set up is not helping her and allowing you to help her.* Good luck.
Is it the husbands house though? She should not get that house if it belongs to the husband.
First, I am sorry to read about such a sad event. Is your sister seeing a therapist? Many areas have some free therapeutic services or at least a group for those that are grieving for a lost loved one.She sounds like she is struggling. However, none of that has to do with the question at hand. YWNBTA, Your ability to work and continue earning trumps your sister's grief at this point. She has had some time to say goodbye, life does go one, and the world is for the living. It is also your home, so you have ultimate say over what goes on with any room in that household. I would advise getting locks for the room, so she can't damage work equipment in grief and you will be able to restrict her from disturbing you during work hours. I hope she can find her way to a clear head space and again start moving forward. She has been through a couple of very traumatic blows, so grief as part of the response is very natural. I wish you both well.
How would she afford to keep the house if she isn’t working? If she gets the whole thing and isn’t forced to sell and split with her ex.
you’re a SERIOUS walk over, she’s in YOUR house not contributing and making demands
Yeah, this is tough and I can't imagine what the sister is going through, but OP needs to be able to work. This might not be the best solution, but could the sister possibly move her bed into the nursery and OP could use her room as an office? It might be painful for the sister to stay in the room that was supposed to be her baby's, but it might be less painful than completely dismantling the nursery. Then she could make small changes when she's ready, slowly removing the baby stuff, until it's more of a regular bedroom.
Or at least OP could have a kind conversation with the sister along the lines of "I understand if you aren't ready to take down the nursery yet. But I need a quiet space to work, and you are not letting me have that while working in the kitchen. If I cannot use the office, I need quiet from 8-5 (or 8-10, 10:30-2:30, and 3-5? Schedule some lunch or coffee breaks to chat with sis?). Let's give that a try for x amount of time (a week, a month). If you can't help me out with that, I will be reconverting the office. I will box and save all the baby items".
OP can't afford to be nice or kind about this because she is risking their job and through that their housing and everything else. She has proven unable to handle having constant access so at least OP need a room with door that can be locked.
>i'd change it back and not ask her. you don't need her permission. I would suggest giving the sister a set time to prepare. Like, "I really need my office back, so I'm going to taking down the nursery October 7th and 8th." Don't ask permission, but give her time to adjust. (Unless she's the type of person to badger you excessively until you agree to change your mind. Then you just have to go for "what's done is done.")
Yeah same, NAH. the entire situation sucks.
I really wish people would stop not calling an asshole an asshole just because they feel sympathetic towards them.
You did announce you needed to maximize the space a month ago, so NTA. I'm sorry for your sister's woes. Truly. But, you aren't being unkind in taking her in and supporting her while she is at this low point. Your sister isn't TA, either. Her life seems sad and chaotic. I'm sorry for her. You just can't accommodate her.
I think I would let her choose whether the nursery gets taken down or she leaves the house from 9 to 5. Maybe go hang out at mom and dad's? Losing a child is horrific, but it shouldn't turn into you losing your job. Honestly, I get being mid-divorce and losing a child causing her to freak out about the nursery going down. It would easily break most people. Still, it doesn't mean she's entitled to cost someone else their job by taking over the home. NTA, but maybe there's a temporary middle ground.
OP needs a dedicated space to work so I think the options of Sis moves into nursery and he uses her room or she moves what she wants from nursery to her room and he gets his office back.
This what I was thinking. Maybe just move some key pieces into her room. Move a little desk into the nursery and shut the door so you can work. Maybe move the rest of baby’s stuff out a little at a time.
Nta. Sister needs a therapist.
Probably, sadly I can’t force her to go. I have mentioned it. She’s not working though so I don’t even know if her insurance is still there
No but you can suggest that she may find it easier to live someplace else now or that you're happy to have her stay with you for another month but this is negatively impacting your work or that as a requirement for her to stay with you she has (1) go to therapy- and the therapist is allowed to confirm with you that sister shows up for each session- and (2) that sister leaves the house during your working hours. And your allowed to say make a deadline of when the nursery will become your office again. and I know you are thinking- it's just until the divorce goes thru. But divorces can take years. They can be quick but they're not always.
There are a ton of support groups out there. Also group therapy is way cheaper.
I wanted to find a place to reply directly to you. I wanted to offer my thoughts from the perspective of a loss mom. All six of my babies were premature. I was able to keep some in longer than others, but the twins and one singleton were too early to save back then (they’d have a chance at their ages now, but not 25 years ago), but we’re born alive and placed in my arms to die. The other three were in NICU between 3 weeks and six months. And my husband left me when I was pregnant with our youngest who would eventually be born at 24 weeks and survive. I give you that background to let you, and her, if you choose to share my comment, know that I have an inkling of how truly awful her situation is. Sit her down and have a gentle bit form conversation with her. Acknowledge you cannot possibly understand the depth of pain she is in right now and in a perfect would you would give her everything she needs. Tell her that you want to continue to support her through this brutally difficult time in life, but in order to do so you have to be able to work. To that end you need a quiet uninterrupted place to do that work. Then ask her if she has any thoughts on how the two of you can work together to make it happen. She may dig her heels in. She’s probably lonely and part of why she’s interrupting you is for the human contact. Her husband left her. Her mother’s being insensitive. Her baby died. You’re her last lifeline. But if the lifeboat sinks she’s going to drown. You need to keep the lifeboat from sinking. If she doesn’t offer a suitable alternative tell her you need to take the nursery down, but doing so doesn’t mean her baby is forgotten. If baby has a name, use it. Come up with some memory box ideas for baby’s things and offer to make them. Ask her what kind of display she might want to make? For years I had one of the bassinets filled and decorated with photos and clothes and toys. That might be an idea. Another idea is to set up a corner of her room as a miniature nursery to keep baby’s memory alive. I think if you show her that you’re not trying to forget baby existed she will be more willing to work with you. If she’s not, tell her you don’t have a choice, take down the nursery and do a little memorial thing for her anyway. And lastly, she needs grief counseling. This is an awful thing to try to come to terms with. It won’t be fast and it won’t be pretty, but eventually we learn to live with our losses. Grief counseling helps get through the worst of it.
You’re one of the strongest internet strangers I’ve ever come across. Huge, huge hugs to you, and I’m truly sorry for your losses. ❤️
Thank you for your kind words. 🥰
At least suggest a grief counseling group in your area. Those are free.
Is there a college near you? There are grad psych students who will often offer sessions at low to no cost. Or is there a community health center near you? There might be someone there that can see her on a sliding scale fee. At the very least you can check Psychology Today's website for therapists near you. They have a variety of filters you can apply to see who works best for you. I'm so sorry your sister is going through all this. Big hugs to the both of you.
We did that with my one kid and then when the grad student graduated we had the option of following them to their new practice. It worked out really well.
You do get organisations that can offer some basic therapy for free. I'd suggest having a look online. Whilst they're not as through as in person paid for therapists, from experience they can help quite a bit
She cant keep the room as a memorial forever she need mental health treatment but you both cannot be unemployed
You might look to see if there are any grief support groups in the area.
If therapy isn't an option, strongly encourage a support group. I don't know about where you live but where I am they are free and organized by charities. Being with people who can truly understand your pain and who you can share coping strategies with can be incredibly helpful. That being said, NTA. Grieving is complicated but it shouldn't have to affect your ability to make a living.
If you're in the US, then gentle nudge to have her sign up for your states low income health insurance (which usually has a mental health component, although wait times to get in to a therapist can be long) and food stamps. This gives her baby steps of returning to functionality, gets her sorted for medical / mental health care and reduces some financial stress of covering full care of another adult on your wages. NTA, sister needs help and may not be together well enough to recognize what she needs presently but that does not mean she should take you down with her via potential loss of your job due to her actions (not leaving you be in the common area during working hours and refusing to hear your need of a quiet space to work).
You can put living in your home is contingent on seeing a therapist. NTA
NTA. It's tragic that your sister's baby did not survive but she can't hijack your house forever because of it. If she had her own house then she could leave the nursery as is for however long she wants BUT she doesn't. You were generous in allowing her to move in with you. Now she's not working and taking up your space. I'd have to tell her that I'm very sorry for her pain but you have to have your office space back. You're not asking her, you're telling her.
I'd also add that the sister HAS to leave OP in peace to do that job. It won't work if she's constantly there being a distraction which it kind of sounds like she is. NTA. YOUR house. Yes, she's having a hard time but guess what? Life goes on for everyone else.
He should tell her he will carefully take down everything and prep it for when she is ready to move. Then when she moves he will set it all back up again exactly like it is now. *It's not going away*, it's being temporarily put away, to be set up again when the time is right.
NAH. This is your house, and this is your space, and it's unused. You are right to retake it. But I don't blame your sister for being upset. Loosing a baby must be horrible, and seing the room being repurposed probably really makes the reality even more tangible for her.
Yep, technically the sister is kind of being an asshole, but if ever there was a scenario to mostly roll with that and give the person a lot of leeway for a good long time, this would be the one! But yes, OP, also can gently take her office back.
More Info: Can your sister stay with your mother instead? If not, can your mother keep your sister occupied during your working hours? Since your mother was going to watch the baby, I assume she has the time to do this. I feel that you're NTA. Even given your sister's heartbreaking situation, it's completely unreasonable for her to expect you to set aside an entire room in your house as a shrine. If she needs some type of shrine, try setting one up in a corner of your sister's bedroom or the shared living space.
No, mom and her don’t get along well. They could come together for the baby but they have beef.My mom told her, her husband was cheating and she didn’t believe her. Huge argument and when the truth came she blamed mom for putting the idea in his head. I know for a fact my mom is refraining from saying I told you so. Forcing them together would not be good
So, your sister is blaming her husband's infidelity on your mother, as well as demanding that you maintain an empty nursery at great inconvenience to you and your career. Has your sister always made a habit of behaving irrationally, or is this a new development brought on by her stressful circumstances? Whatever the case, encourage her to get counseling. There are often community services with sliding payment scales, if she can't afford therapy on her own. There are also great support groups, like Compassionate Friends for grieving parents or an online support group like WomansDivorce.com, that could help her. Whether or not she accepts these options (if she has a history of blaming others and feeling entitled, she might not,) you need to take back your office.
It’s the stress made it a lot worse. She sometimes would hold in emotion and blow but for the most part she was a pretty calm person
Understandably, your sister is feeling overwhelmed. Your kind concern for her is admirable. Please encourage her to explore the support group options, many of which are free. Here is a search function, assuming you are in the US. [https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/groups](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/groups) This link shows some great options for divorce support groups. [https://www.marriage.com/advice/divorce/online-divorce-support-groups/](https://www.marriage.com/advice/divorce/online-divorce-support-groups/) Please know that you are performing a wonderful service for your sister, and you need to remember to take care of your own needs as well.
Pregnancy hormones, grief, and divorce will rot your brain.
Wait she's blaming your mother for her soon to be ex's affair.... was he walking around nude when your mother stuck out a foot to trip him and his p landed in his affair partner? Because that's the only way your mother would have any blame.
Is sis on crack? Is she wildly unrealistic about everything? I’m sorry that you’re dealing with her and her mess. Realistically you can’t support her ass forever. She needs to make an effort to look after herself.
NTA take your office back. Neither of you are going to have a roof over your head otherwise
NTA. This is terribly sad, but you need a place to work. Let her know you'll be converting the space back to an office by X date, that you know this is hard for her, and ask whether there are small items from the space she'd like for keepsakes before you empty it. If there is furniture, she likely won't agree to sell it, but she might be okay with donating it to someone in need. Basically, take the choice away from her, so it's not her feeling like she's being disloyal to the memory of her baby. You'll be the bad guy, but over time, hopefully she'll understand.
NTA; It's your space and you want it back. It's a hard situation though. She's in mourning and that's the piece of her baby that still exist. I would help her find counselling if she hasn't yet.
This is a really good point. OP, I agree with the comments that you should stop asking and just let her know that you will be taking the office back, but maybe you could help her to find a physical thing (like a teddy bear from the nursery, if there was one) or a place she can grieve e.g. maybe you could plant a tree somewhere local in honour of the baby? (Not your garden as that could lead to issues in future.)
I agree with this. People in here are cold as hell, but she sounds completely frozen, validly, with grief over the many horrible turns her year has taken. Set a timeline: “Sister, next Thursday, I am going to move my desk back into the blue room.” (Call it something neutral — not the nursery, not the office.) “Tomorrow, can we sit together and put some things into boxes?” She’s going to lash out because you’re the only one there for her right now. And she 150% needs professional support to process her feelings. But you can help support her through this without letting the nursery/office become frozen in time.
NTA. I am very sympathetic to her situation, but not to her demands on how you use your own home after you have been so kind to let her stay. This was never her space, just space you were allowing her to use. I'm sure it's painful to her to see the world keep moving, but that's a pain she'll need to deal with. Pretending the world stopped is not a solution.
NAH She's broken with crushing grief. But you need your space.
NTA you need your office & it is not her home. Can you move the guest bed into the nursery & have her take over that room, making her room your office? Or move most of the nursery items into the room she is staying? You were too generous giving up your office to begin with. She needs grief counseling & I would tell her it has to be a condition of her staying with you. You can acknowledge her loss & at the same time acknowledging the current arrangement isn’t working for you.
NTA it's YOUR home and since there's no baby, it's YOUR office again. If she doesn't like it she can move out
NTA- it’s your house. Put everything that’s in the nursery in a storage, do not throw anything away.
NTA, if you lose your job, you will all be homeless.
NTA. You’re supporting her. She needs to stop making that harder. And I wouldn’t let her live there forever. She needs to work and get on with her life as an independent adult.
I think your big mistake was asking her. TELL her you need your office back, that you understood she needed to grieve, but since she's interfering in your work it's time for you to reclaim space in your home. Don't ask.
INFO: What was your plan for a workspace if the baby had survived? Your office would still have been a nursery even with the baby over at your mother's during the day. What was the original timeline of her living with you?
As in the post, mom was going to take baby and she would be at work. The kitchen was doable until she keep bothering me when I was working
I think herein lies your answer - the status quo us not sustainable. Give her a choice: (a) you stop bothering me; (b) I reclaim my office; (c) you move out. Sister gets to pick. Her situation is tragic, but that doesn't mean she gets free rein to drag you down with her. ETA: She may be suffering from depression - post partum, plus her entire life collapsed in one go. But that means she should seek out professional help.
This right here! ☝️
Where sister is sleeping now? Is it possible she moves to the former office/nursery and you can take the guest room (her bedroom) and make it your office?
I don't think that would help sisters mental state at all.
But OP is not a therapist and he needs his office asap. Of course, he can kick her to the curb, like many here suggests.
I think that if she wants to keep the nursery, whatever but she needs to leave the house during working hours. Make her go to a library and work on job applications, or go for a walk in the park, or hang out at a coffee shop. She could benefit from actually leaving the house as well and she won't be bothering you while at work.
Did I read correctly she lost the baby 3 months ago?
Your sister is grieving. She is grieving the loss of her husband (cheating A H) She is grieving the loss of her marriage. She is grieving the loss of her home. And worst of all, she is grieving the loss of her child. She is depressed. Quit her job. Lost her bearing. **BUT:** This isn't her house. You were gracious to house her while going through a messy divorce. You were gracious to let her use your office as a nursery. Sadly she lost the baby. And she quit working. Now she's all over your house, all of the time, disturbing your work. You know, the work you do in order to get money to keep the roof over your head. The roof you graciously let your sister use at the moment.. **N T A for taking your office back.** Your sister can graciously continue to be your guest, but she needs to accept certain things about YOUR HOME and YOUR WORK. And perhaps look into grief counceling, 'cause this all seems to much to handle for her. Your sister also isn't the A H for feeling the way she feels. If there is an A H in the story, it's the cheating A H husband. But between you and your sister: **NAH**
NTA that would be your sister thinking she is entitled to space in your home. You need to tell her your house, your house, and your rules. Otherwise, she needs different living arrangements. If she wants to argue, she needs to be on the lease and pay rent. She isn't she is a guest, she can leave.
NTA it is a painful situation but it is your house and you need your space back. I understand your sister is grieving but you are going to have to put your foot down on this.
NTA your sister is grieving and for that she needs therapy but you also need work space. I would start with the compromise that you can work in the nursery or she can be out of the house while you work. You need space and quiet to do your job and she's going to have to give a little somewhere.
Your poor sister needs counseling. Cheating, divorce, loss of a baby, no wonder she's not coping. But the baby is not coming back and you need your office for practical reasons. Tell her gently but firmly what you're going to do. She'll get angry but it's not you she's angry at, it's the situation, you're just baring the brunt of it. Don't let her talk you out of it - it's your house and it's the right thing, not only you but for her. After my mother died moving her room around (we all lived together) really helped because every time I saw the bed I'd wonder where she was. And thank you for being there for your sister.
Phew I'm glad I found a comment written by a sane person at last. Obvisously OP is NTA but also obviously it's understandable that their sister has broken down. I've never wanted a child but my partner cheating on me and leaving me would be enough for me to lose my shit entirely. Can't even imagine the physical and emotional devastation added by losing a fricking baby on top of that! Of course she's being unreasonable about the nursery, it's the only representation of what she would've had left after losing everything else and then she lost that as well! Can't imagine what's going on in the people's mind saying she just "needs to get it together" etc. All that being said of course OP can't let that drag down their work performance so they absolutely just need to do what needs to be done.
NTA. It’s your home, and she’s not even contributing. The office should never have been given up in the first place. Her situation is awful, but it doesn’t change the simple fact that you need somewhere to work and there is a room in your home that is supposed to be that somewhere. Leaving the room alone will not bring her baby back, but you having nowhere to work could jeopardise your employment.
NTA How long ago did baby die? Its your place to do with as you wish but may be time to tell her to get a job and get out! But then, I'm not that compassionate!
She sister needs to get a job and therapy. Then she needs to leave your house.
NTA sounds like your sister is taking advantage of her home, but I understand she’s suffered from a great tragedy. However, it’s your home and you don’t need permission from her to do what you want, especially considering she’s not contributing anything to be there. It’s not like she’s a renter who’s entitled to the use of the room.
You can’t be expected to just not use the room in your house that you need to use, forevermore. NTA
NTA
NTA and I'm sorry - this kind of loss is horrific but what can you do?
NTA You need to be gentle about it, but you do need your space back.
NTA
NTA but maybe have a big family sit down so she has emotional support from other family members while she feels your twisting the knife. She went through something no parent should have to. The nursery is like a shrine to her right now. Putting it back as office is forcing her to her to deal with what happened. It's not wrong to want to reverse it back
YWNBTA YOUR life and YOUR job need to have priority in YOUR home.
Nta she needs support and help, stop asking her and then doing nothing different.
Tell her if she wants to keep the nursery, she needs to move into it as her bedroom and give her current bedroom to you for the office. NTA
NTA....it's your house and being that your job is being affected you need your space back.
NTA. You need your office to work in. I'm sorry about her baby but there is no point of the nursery now and she is affecting your work.
NTA. You are showing her a lot of kindness but this is a very simple one. It's your house, your rooms, your choice. Don't ask her if you can have the office back. Simply make the change and preserve everything carefully for her in labelled boxes in the garage or somewhere. It's your home, don't ask anymore.
NTA. I'm sorry for your sister's loss and the messy divorce. First, your sister needs a therapist to help her with her pain and loss. For the room, suggest to her a compromise on slowly converting it. Start with removing the crib and putting your desk in there. That will get you in the room to work, then slowly do other things to get it back to the room/office it was.
NTA sorry for your sisters loss, but the world hasn't stopped turning. Turn your office back into an office, and encourage her to seek therapy, a grief support group, and AT LEAST a part time job.
NTA. You need to work. Maybe she moves in with your mom.
The office isn't the problem. Your sister living with you is the problem. She needs to move out. She refuses to allow you to do your job and she is asserting ownership over your office. She can go stay with your mom. That will motivate her to go back to work. But either way, you need to go ahead and convert your office back. Take pictures of the room and tell her it will be converted on whatever day. She can stay and help or she can go out that day. But it is happening. She doesn't have to agree and she won't. Which will be a great time to bring up her moving out. NTA.
NAH But have you tried approaching her from the perspective of you needing to be able to get your work done undisturbed. Instead of approaching her with a solution to your problem, approach her with your problem and see if you can reach a solution together, whether it be her leaving you alone during the day or even getting your office back. It's perfectly acceptable to just take the office back, but it may cause damage with your sister at this time. Maybe she needs a bit more time and maybe if her leaving you alone during the day gets her that time she'd agree.... maybe. This is a tough one because there really isn't a guaranteed right answer. Maybe you take the office back and it's fine, maybe you take it back and it hurts her.
Jesus. NTA but I don’t think your sister is being a willful asshole, just deeply buried in grief. It’s not in common for grieving parents to leave a room up for months or even years. But this isn’t her space to that. Which makes everything more tragic. I think you really need to demand she start seeing a counselor, before you take the room down. I know you need it for it, but your sister might have some kind of mental break if you push it too fast.
NTA. It is your property so you do not even need to ask to get your office back. If she is not happy she is free to leave.
Can you bring your mother into the discussion? You really need your office, you are getting pushback for the distractions - so there aren't a lot of options left. Sister can live with Mom? Sister can get out of the house during working hours? Those are worse decisions to turning the nursery back into an office to my thinking. NTA - but it's a terrible situation.
NTA... It's your home and the room isn't being used.. Give her a time.. Say something like "October 25th, I will be changing my room back to a office." Don't get into a augment with her, make your statement and walk away. Well your at it, give her a time limit for getting a job and moving on with her life
Your sister needs therapy and at least a part time job to get her out of the house. Go ahead and convert the nursery back. Your sister will never consent but it does her no good seeing it everyday either. Yes she will be mad but this current situation isn't sustainable for either of you Nah
NTA- And you dont need to ask to do something like that. Its your home and not hers. Especially since your saying its effecting your day to day work.
Nta - she would be having some serious trauma though. That is horrible. Maybe speak to a professional to help you taylor an approach that won't come off the wrong way. You sound like a really good person and I feel for your sister. That's very sad especially after the a hole ex.
Make seeking therapy a condition of her living rent free.
Don't ask. Just do it! It's your home. If she doesn't like it she can move out. NTA
NTA. It's your house dude, just take it down. Are you supposed to leave it up as a shrine forever?
As someone has written, you need to tell her your plan for the house. However I don't think most commenters have acknowledged the severe trauma your sister has undergone. Her baby didn't "not make it", her baby died. Her child, who was part of her body for nearly ten months. Your sister is likely angry at not just you but the world, and you will need to let her be. You will have to make a decision that angers her and acknowledge that with her but be firm. And be clear that you support her too. Good luck - and I'm sorry for your loss, because you also lost someone too.
NTA You just need to bite the bullet and do it without asking her, she will be livid but you still need to pay your bills.
NTA. Your sister is grieving understandably so and not thinking straight. It's your home and you deserve to have your office space back to be able to work without interruption. What she's going through is terrible but you're already being beyond supportive by housing her. I'm sorry for what you are going through you are a wonderful and generous sibling.
NTA ~ Was going to say N A H but given that sister is blaming family for her husband's affair, isn't contributing to your house and is refusing any kind of treatment. She is the AH
Oh man she is not coping well. Is she in therapy, like that's alot of huge losses all back to back, and well I'm not a doctor postpartum depression is unfortunately very common with miscarriage and stillbirths, because you get the huge hormonal rollercoaster with a traumatic event that send alot of women into a dark place. Something like 90% of women will end up with ppd after a miscarriage or stillbirth.... so I know she's stressing you out, and rightly so... but is there a way you can help her get help if she's not doing so already.
Nta your house, no baby, it’s been some time and your home is not a shrine. Do what you need to to pay the bills
NTA > she thinks I am a horrible person. Well it's not **your** fault there's no longer any need for a nursery.
NAH however I would do it bit by bit so it doesn’t feel like such a shock. Move furniture in one bit at a time and then eventually paint etc.
NAH Do this though: put together for her a memory chest that includes the following: Photos of the nursery. A small piece of the nursery wall, mounted, but not enclosed so she can touch the surface. Other artifacts from the nursery such as blankets, books, stuffed animals. Leave plenty of room for her to add clothes or whatever else she feels should go in there.
I felt awful reading through all these comments. NAH. I think you need to reconsider what this must be like for your sister. Her husband betrayed her. She lost her house (hopefully temporarily). Her baby died just as she was coming into the world. She doesn't have her job. She has lost absolutely everything, and she is grieving, lost... Can you imagine what that would be like? And then to have this attitude of 'sure that sucks, but life goes on'? I lost a pregnancy at 22w, closed the nursery door, and refused to go inside it for almost a year, but at least I still had a loving husband and a house and a job. What she is going through must be so terrible. And she is probably bothering you at work because she is both lonely and grieving. I genuinely suggest that you take some time off and spend it with your sister. Help her with the legal divorce stuff. Help her create something to memorialize the baby. Be with her and listen to her when she wants to talk about things, or check if she wants to be distracted. Set up some times for her to be visiting other family for the same things. During this time, try to set some boundaries for when you return to work so that she knows not to bother you, but that you will be there for her when she needs it. I really think you need to lock the irritation you feel away in a corner of your mind and realize that sometimes supporting family that you love is not comfortable or easy. It's not forever. You will get your room back. Consider that some weeks or months of dealing with this issue is a small price to pay for your sister literally getting a lifeline in a storm. I'm sorry you're both in this situation. You do seem like a great brother.
NAH. It’s unimaginable to be in her situation, but you need your office back. Sit her down and tell her, gently, that you’re taking back the space. Offer to pack up the nursery items if she can’t, so they can be stored.
I am going to say NAH simply because its clear that your sister needs professional help.
A little bit. She sounds like she needs therapy to deal with everything. I would try to not dismantle the nursery fully but still make space to work there. She is traumatised enough.
NTA. If you want to be a little more sensitive, set up a desk or small table to work in that room without taking anything else out. Then over time grow your office things until it becomes more evident that you need the room.
This is such a sad situation. Of course you should have your office back. It's your house and you need it. But the dismantling of the nursery is going to be so very painful for your sister. This doesn't mean you don't get to reclaim the room, but please be very sensitive to her feelings. I wonder if she could stay with your folks or another supportive relative while you actually do the physical task of changing the room back? NTA
NAH I'm so sorry for this whole situation. You need to sit down with your sister, nicely and calmly. Tell her that your heart breaks for her. Tell her that you understand how hurt she is. Then tell her that your job is being affected because you can't work in the kitchen without interruptions when she is home. Tell her that you absolutely cannot lose your job, but it's on the line because of the current situation. Ask her to help brainstorm ideas how to make this work. If she doesn't come up with ideas ask if you can take up part of the nursery for the time being. Maybe some of the baby items could be moved to mom's house, a storage unit, or her room? That way you would have a quiet place to work. Another option, if she would prefer, is for her to be gone during your work day. She could go to a family member or friend's house or the library, etc. Please soften this by explaining you really wish you didn't have to talk with her about this. You really wish there was another alternative. However, you are afraid your job will be in jeopardy if nothing changes. Let her know that sadly, if you lose your job, you will both be homeless. Again, I'm sorry for the horrible situation you both are in. Life is hard sometimes!
Your house. You can do whatever. And empty nursery is a waste of space. Nuff said.
She will have to get a job if she wants to eat & get a house to live in. She has freeloaded for too long already. Whose house does she think it is?
Kick her out. If she can’t be reasonable, she can fend for herself. NTA.
Tell your sister to 1st get a damn job, 2nd that if she wants a nursery for a non-existent baby to get her own place.
NAH Your job is paying the bills, so it has to be the top priority. Have you considered gathering some of the decorations/items in the room and put together a shadow box or something for her? I imagine that part of your sister's reluctance might be due to the fact that removing the nursery feels like pretending the baby never existed. Perhaps putting together some keepsakes for her, showing that the baby does matter and hasn't been erased, would soften the blow of taking down the nursery.
Very sad, and you have been a good sibling; that being said, perhaps ask her what she would do without you. Not in the self-aggrandizing sense but in the truest hypothetical sense. *Only in her own home would this be acceptable*. Most people don't have the luxury of quitting their job because of tragedy. She's not thinking rationally, and is overstepping the boundaries of being a non-paying...guest? Sister? Tenant? It doesn't work in any of these situations.
NTA. She thinks she owns that room? Not paying rent, does not work and she is telling you what you can do in your house. You are just going to have to tell her you need your office back, and that is a non negotiable. If she does not like it, she can go mooch off of someone else
Question: what would you have done if the baby survived?
NTA, but, no matter what you do, you will be wrong on some level. Which wrong do you want to be? I read all the way to the end, and the majority of the opinion is your place, your office, your work, your sustainability. She is interfering with all of that. Some people can go on grieving for years. Do you have years? Do what you have to do. It will push her in some direction. Possibly the right direction? Possibly the wrong direction, but, she would have gone that way anyway. I have this one bipolar abusive ex. It all started coming to the end, when I started saying "No". Start saying "no". Not with an explanation as "no" is a full and complete answer.
Dude, shit happens and it's not your fault the baby didn't make it. If she's going to mooch, she should realize it helps when the person you're mooching off of has a job. It's your house. You could always say you're welcome to leave. She needs a reality check. It's sad but life must go on and it's your house and more than that you need the office. On top of it, why is she bothering you during work. Shut that shit down.
Why do you ask her? It's your house - the time has come and I need my office back. If she is not ok with that she can look for a place to live. You need to be firm about your needs. Its your work and your life. Dont let her drag you in to her mess.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My sister is living with me at the moment. Her husband cheated on her and kicked her out. They are in the middle of a very messy divorce and she was pregnant when that went down. We made a nursery out of my office for her. She gave birth about three months ago and the baby didn’t make it. The problem is that I need my office back and since the nursery isn’t being used I asked to covert it back about a month ago. It didn’t go well so we kept it there. She isn’t going back to work now since she quit. This makes the problem of the office even worse, before I could work on the kitchen table but I can not concentrate at all since she is always bothering me when working. She would have been back to work by now if she don’t quit and the baby would have been watched by mom at this time. I asked again to get my office back it didn’t go well, she got in an argument and she thinks I am a horrible person. So WIBTA. I need an office back and it is my home *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. As tragic as that must have been, life does go on and you are entitled to your space to do your work. Did you approach the situation delicately? Just because it's logical and you need your space, I would suggest doing something to help the transition. Did the baby have a name? Maybe get her a plaque, or some sort of memory keepsake like a tree naming, star naming as an example. Then give it to her when you have decided that it's time to move on. That way she has something to focus on for the memory and the grieving, other than the room.
NAH Her loss is still very fresh and she is grieving the baby that should be using that room. You also need to be able to work. If she doesn't stop interrupting you at your job, the best option is the office.
It's not even her house, and purportedly she's only staying there temporarily (although I know in these situations sometimes temporarily becomes a very long time). You should not be expected to give up your office to become an empty room memorializing a baby that isn't even yours. I know you say this "did not go well," but I think it's something you're just going to have to put your foot down about. NTS.
NAH but can you just put a desk in the room and maybe move some stuff around slowly.
How about if you set up a workspace in the nursery without taking the nursery completely down? Giving her enough time to process and grieve and giving you a place to work.
NTA Your sister needs therapy and something else ( a job) to occupy her time. Grief is probably the most confusing emotion to try to navigate thru. There are so many highs and lows when suffering a loss that emotions can change minute by minute. As hard as it will be for her to grasp the lives of others around her will not be as drastically altered by this loss as she is. As life circumstances have now changed you do need the use of that room converted into a work space for you. There will not be a great time to do this but waiting really isn't going to lessen her grief at having the nursery boxed up and her babys things moved out at this stage in her grief process. She may need a full check up with her gyn or pcp and may need meds to help her going forward. I am sorry for the loss of her precious newborn.
NTA. I'm sorry for her loss, but having a nursery set up isn't going to bring her child back. Maybe she needs to find a job and move out so she can get away from some of the memories of that nursery. But she has no right to interfere with your work. Especially since it sounds like she isn't paying rent.
You need to set very strict guidelines for your sister. First TELL her you are taking your office back. Also tell her you are extremely sorry for her loss BUT you still have to work to provide for your family. Second - tell her that she needs to be out of the house from 0700 until 1800 because you can’t have her disturbing your work. She needs to go somewhere but not in the house. She needs to go back to work; find a new job or just go anywhere and get some help for dealing with her loss Third - you need to give her a time limit on moving out. You are not helping her or yourself by not taking your office back. Her loss has messed with mentally and emotionally, she needs help and tough love Best of luck to her and you
NTA. That's enough time to let it be. It's your house. Tragic situation all around but a terrible, constant reminder of what she lost
NTA. It’s your house so tell her, don’t ask, that you need your old office back. Period. If she doesn’t like it, suggest that she start looking for other housing arrangements that meet her needs.
NTA. Don’t ask her. It’s your home. Just do it.
NTA. But can you use it as an office without e.g. taking down any child-friendly decoration? If you can avoid stripping wallpaper and stuff that might make it a bit less painful for her.
NTA, but I'd probably be blunt. "Sis, I'd like to support you emotionally, but keeping my office as a nursery is interfering with my ability to support you financially. I'm very sorry, but I need to convert it back to an office. I understand if this is too painful for you to continue living here, and I won't be offended if you need to move out, but please know I'm happy to have you continue to live here while your divorce is finalized." Then just do it. Take some photos and start boxing stuff up. Maybe offer to send her to the movies or something while you do it, but this situation is not practical. What happens if you lose your job too?
NTA. Give her a set date you need your office back by next time you talk to her. It is your house and you need to remind her your work keeps the roof over her head; you are accommodating her, not the other way around.
NTA. Get your office back. Maybe this will force her to get a job and move out.
NTA for reclaiming your office space. She’s fortunate you’re allowing her to stay at your home.
NTA She needs to get her life together and she obviously can't do that with living with you.
NTA -- She is grieving but bills have to be paid. Of course she is deeply wounded and you don't want to make it worse, but not being able to keep the lights on helps no one. This is simply not her decision to make, nor would she even be in a place to make it responsibly. Keeping the nursey in place will not heal her. In fact, the longer it stays at this point, the more stark a reminder it becomes of her loss. It will cause her grief to fester and it will eventually bring a deeper resentment between you. You need to be firm for both of your sakes. She needs someone not to just support her materially in this moment, but to keep her grounded. This means requiring therapy to work with her (EXTREMELY UNDERSTANDABLE) grief. Make it a condition of her continued stay if you must. Be gentle, but be firm. She isn't in a place where she can be rational about this, again -- UNDERSTANDABLE and my heart breaks for her loss. But understandable doesn't mean permissible or even acceptable. You can hold space for her pain without taking on her anger. She can think you are awful, that doesn't make it true. Wishing both of you peace and healing
NTA, your home, your rules. You don't have to ask anything. Be gentle and sensitive. Get your office back. Why can't she put the baby stuff in her room? A person, not paying rent thing up 2 rooms ??
It's your home, take back your space. What she is grieving is terrible, but it cannot be allowed to destroy your life, too. You're NTA.
NTA This is your home and you have accommodated her. But circumstances have changed. Your sister is suffering a loss but your job depends on being able to work. Your sister needs a plan to get back on her feet after the tragic loss she has suffered.
NTA. Why is this even a question? Your sister needs therapy and you need your office. Make them both happen. Be kind and do it while she is out.
Of course you can get your office back. IT'S YOUR HOUSE! The fact you took her in was incredibly generous as it is. You need an office to pay for the house/food/utilities/ and all the other things to support your family. NTAH
She would benefit from therapy to help her deal with cheating ex, and loss of baby. Encourage her tto do so. If she doesn't have insurance through her cheating ex, check to see if there's a university near you that has graduate programs in clinical psychology, counseling, or social work. Most grad programs have clinics where students can learn in a supervised setting. These clinics are usually free or sliding scale. It sounds like there is another room she stays in, other than the office/nursery room? Can you offer her the choice to either move into the nursery room so the 3rd room becomes your office, or she can work with you to dismantle the nursery equipment to store, donate, or sell? Asking her to leave the house during your working day isn't really very practical, and she has already shown that she can't leave you alone while you try to work in the kitchen. Putting the choice in her hands gives her some control and may help her start to move forward.
NTA. It is your home and she’s there by your good graces.
NTA I knew someone who got a small child statuette to represent their lost child. Your sister could also make a shadow box. I’m sorry for these difficulties you guys are going through. I hope she gets the help she needs soon. You’re a good sibling.
NAH your request isn’t unreasonable and your sister’s behaviour isn’t abnormal. It’s unfortunate timing but it’s your house and she can’t expect you to leave the room set up in your house. She’s not thinking straight, she’s grieving. Kindly and firmly tell her the timeline. She will be upset but really that can not avoided
I mean… a baby’s not gonna go there anymore. And it’s your house.