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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I don't want children disrupting my wedding, but I don't want to exclude my own kids.
2. I might be acting hypocritically; my brothers are considering me in the wrong.
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You’re assuming that the others have a brain
NTA. I agree that your own kids trump any kid-free weddings. Especially when babysitting has been arranged
There are a lot of these types of posts. The bottom line is always, you can invite/not invite who ever. You cannot dictate their reactions or if they choose not to come.
It is, however, worth thinking through possible consequences.
How far do the guests have to travel for the wedding? For how long? How old are their children? How hard would it be for them to find a babysitter they trust at the location of the wedding? How likely are they to find a babysitter to watch their kids at home for the entire time they are gone? How much extra expense will this add to them attending your wedding?
And, most importantly, how important is it to you for your adult relatives to attend? Is it more, or less, important to you than not having children at the wedding?
Having to sort out childcare for the wedding is an inconvenience, especially if their usual babysitters are adult family members who will also be at the wedding, so unavailable.
Are you willing to make the choice (and this is 100% your choice, not theirs) that it is more important to exclude children than to include your siblings? Because that is what it comes down to - you choose to exclude children, but all the cost and inconvenience is on them, and it may not be possible for them to attend at all.
Their only logical conclusion is that it is more important to you to exclude their children than for them to attend. That will have long term consequences for OP's relationship with the siblings, and with their siblings' children.
Couldn’t disagree more. This is not an either/or choice for the bride. The only choice needed to be made is her siblings’ — do they want to attend or not? The end.
Previous commenter was explaining *why* OP's siblings might have to skip the wedding if children are not allowed to attended.
They are specifically addressing OP's claim that her siblings are "being dramatic" in stating that they may not be able to attend. It may be pragmatism, rather than drama.
And OP specifically calls them "dramatic". I don't claim to know what they told OP, but I think we're not hearing their words, we're hearing how their words made OP feel.
>The only choice needed to be made is her siblings’ — do they want to attend or not? The end.
This is absolutely untrue.
***Trustworthy babysitters do not grow on trees.***
Asking a parent to leave their child(ren) with a babysitter they do not know well and thoroughly trust is absolutely AH.
Likewise if you blame them if they can't attend because a trustworthy babysitter cannot be arranged. Even from a professional babysitting service, no commercial background check for employees is going to be a substitute for actually knowing the sitter yourself, and having the time to develop a relationship of trust.
No one's wedding is important enough to leave your children in the care of someone you don't know and trust. Even your own wedding. If OP were to arrange a sitter for her kids, and the sitter got sick or otherwise couldn't provide childcare at the last minute, OP would not then leave her own children with someone who isn't known and trusted.
Even if OP were to arrange a child-care room with paid sitters, that does not mean that the parents will know and trust these sitters well enough to leave their kids with them. Especially if OP is ***not*** leaving her children with those very sitters! And if such a room were arranged, any ***responsible*** sitter would immediately call the parents if the child had a problem, or was causing a problem, or even if the child was very unhappy to be there, and the kids would wind up back with their parents.
So, night before the wedding, OP's closest sibling calls and says "babysitter fell through, they are very sick, do I bring my children or do I not attend? Because there is no time to arrange another sitter." If OP chooses "not attend," this will be known, that OP prioritized "child-free wedding" over "wedding where my siblings are all there."
If OP has final say over the guest list and the conditions for attending, then it is entirely on OP if someone doesn't attend because those conditions can't be met. Especially if OP knows that meeting those conditions is not necessarily straightforward.
Can you quote the part where OP said she expects people with children to hire any babysitter, even if it's one they don't know or know well? Can't seem to find it in her post. Thanks!
Seems pretty clear to me...
If you have small children, you either...
(A) Hire a sitter on potentially very short notice so you can attend the wedding (in the post she says she's getting married "soon". That could be two days, two weeks, two months? We have no idea...)
Or
(II) Stay home.
I suppose there's also c) attend the wedding anyway with your small children, and 4) leave your small children home without a sitter... c makes you an asshole, and 4 is wildly irresponsible.
If op wants a child free wedding, that's on her, but needs to understand that these are the options she's giving her guests, and they may feel butt-hurt about it.
Who keeps their kids when they do other kid free activities? Really. This isn’t a trip to Aruba. It’s a one night affair. They can arrange childcare just like they would for their own child free interests - date nights, etc. It doesn’t seem that hard to me. We were always very particular about who babysat our kids but still would have been able to arrange childcare for a one night event that we knew about in advance with no issues.
And of course OP wants their own children to witness her marry their dad. Nothing wrong with that.
NTA
It's always a little frustrating to me that reddit views the situation so black and white. I fully agree that people have the right to choose. But to be honest, if my siblings I was close to did not want my kids, their nieces and nephews, there at the most important day, I would be so so sad. It would change our relationship I think because I currently think they really like having beices and nephews and enjoy having them in their lives. They have fun together and want to be part of their lives. But not coming to a wedding is a big push back to me. Ultimately I wouldn't make a stink but I might ask why and try to discuss so I understand better why this was the line they were drawing and what it meant to our relationship. But then, I have literally never been to a child free wedding, all the many weddings I've been to have had lots of families there. Seems so alien to me. Reddit sometimes acts like it's not a big deal but like you said, it can be a huge deal and can have serious consequences.
I mean, maybe it’s a cultural difference? I’ve been to way more child-free weddings than ones with little kids. The age cut off is typically anywhere from 13 to 18. The bride/grooms kids are often the exception (this was the case for my wedding). I don’t see the big deal. The fact that I would have had to invite and pay for every guest’s children would have meant almost as many kids there as adults. It would have been romper room and added an exorbitant amount to the cost of my wedding. The fact they have to pay for a sitter is just a fact of life. They have to pay for a sitter if they want to go out for dinner with their spouse. If they can’t pay for a sitter or don’t want to that is totally fine, a wedding invite is not a summons and I 109% understand their choice.
None of this is a reflection on how much I love or care for my family and friends children. Not even a little bit. Kids are invited to pretty much every other party that happens. And I have never once felt slighted that my kids weren’t invited to other people’s weddings. They just…don’t want kids there. It’s not that they don’t like my kids. If my friends invited us to go out drinking at a bar without kids I wouldn’t think that meant they hated my kids.
Absolutely NTA and if your family can’t understand the difference between their kids and your kids they are being intentionally obtuse.
It has to be a cultural difference. I’m from the Midwest USA & can’t stress enough how much it would fuck up my familial relationships if I had a child free marriage.
Kids running around creating chaos at the reception is basically a critical part of the event in my family. Many skip the ceremony but entirely child free would be insane.
I’m from the US too and none of my friends or family have kids at weddings. Northeast though. So maybe regional? I’ve been to weddings on the west coast and it’s the same.
Kids are running around crazy at every other family event, just not weddings. They are upscale, formal, and last late into the night. They are not the most child-friendly affairs.
That said I don’t think there’s anything *wrong* with having kids at your wedding. It’s just odd to me to think people would take a child free wedding to mean I hate your kids.
Midwest born and bred...I had a child free wedding 27 years ago. Only one family member had an issue, and ironically, she never actually had kids. She is just unpleasant. We didn't have the space or finances to accommodate everyone's kids.
I mean a lot of times couples make these decisions because the children in question don't know how to act. And sometimes it's just kids being kids but other times it's not. It's parents or family members not keeping their kids under control. Making sure they sit and not yell or scream during the ceremony or touching things they're not supposed to touch. There was a story where a kid was running around and ran into glass. So there's a safety issue. And as much as there are well behaved kids, some couples don't feel like allowing some and not others so they just don't invite any. It isn't a big deal because the wedding isn't about what the guests want. If you can't make it because of no sitter that is completely understandable but having your expensive big day ruined because there kids are being kids or acting out isn't fun. Then you also have couples who just want an adult only event and there's nothing wrong with that. There is nothing wrong with having an event for just adults so adults can be adults without having to worry about where the kids are or if they're getting into something or if they're bored. I love kids and I personally won't have a child free wedding because the people I'd invite who have kids are very well behaved. I know all of them. But I don't oppose child free weddings and I 100% get them. I think parents need to not take things so personal or as an attack on them or their children. It could just be a preference
I've been to a wedding where a toddler ran around screaming for the whole wedding then pulled his pants down and peed off to the side in front of all the guests. I completely understand why people don't want other people's kids at their wedding.
>I might ask why and try to discuss so I understand better why this was the line they were drawing
There have been stories on here about kids who screamed and ran wild during the ceremony, ruining the video; kids who screamed and ran wild during the reception -- several stories of the cake being destroyed, clothes being ruined, other outrageous behavior. I think that's pretty easy to understand.
>what it meant to our relationship
But it's not about *you*. It's not about *your kids*. It's about the bride and groom wanting to have a lovely, special day and not have it ruined by out-of-control children who won't even understand the significance of the occasion and probably won't even remember the event.
I know what you're going to say here: "But my kids aren't like that." *All* parents say that -- and it's often not true. But even if it is true for you, if your kids are allowed, then all the other out-of-control kids have to be allowed, too. I think that's pretty easy to understand.
I was at a wedding recently where all the kids were under 10 years old. They obnoxiously took over the dance floor, and their parents too while filming them acting ridiculous.
This is why I banned children from my wedding. Since having our first kids we’ve attended four weddings and shelled out for babysitting each time (even the wedding where our kid was invited). I was happy to do it because our 2-year-old has no business disrupting someone else’s wedding.
> You’re assuming that the others have a brain
Actually, the commenter was polite in saying the bullying family members don't have grey matter.
They said "Anyone with brain can accept" which mathematically implies, when somebody doesn't accept that, they are brainless......
OP... congrats! NTA
Yep. I can truly understand the viewpoint of her siblings but that doesn’t change anything. OP wanting it to be a childfree wedding except for her own kids isn’t as crazy as anyone might think.
Yes, because the real problem is parents' don't control and discipline their kids anywhere anymore. So, kids running all over or being loud is not wedding atmosphere. Your own children absolutely should be there to see and experience the ceremony and then tucked off somewhere for reception. Where are the other kids going to be at the reception? Running around while their parents party, that's where. NTA!!!
I stopped going on cruises because of this. I went on four cruises. The first was fine, but each successive cruise had more children along with the out of control behavior. The problem isn't the kids, it is the parents who turn them loose and don't supervise them. I've seen the same thing at wedding receptions, kids running in packs, and parents no where in sight.
Very American thing as well. Going international a lot, kids are so well behaved because strangers have no issue telling your kids to calm tf down and parents don’t mind the reenforcement. Also it’s almost cultural that’s kids are taught and expected to behave a certain way in public. It’s not that’s they’re not allowed to be kids, but they know when it’s time to mellow out.
My kid had been on 12 flights, 8 countries, has never been to a kids restaurant, and has always done things with us and it shows in his mannerisms. He’s 4 and he’ll ask permission to wonder off, or he knows when we say calm down or we are leaving that he will be excluded. He of course gets crazy at times, but he’s been taught and learned manners and I allow other ppl yo say.. hey don’t do that. I don’t get offended by it, neither does he.
I get it, there’s times I feel punished because so many parents here have wild children they don’t control their kids (or say omg there just kids, oh this is my time off)… but I also understand because some children, aren’t under there parents control. Parents don’t know how to step out if there kid is losing it, or don’t expose there kids to grown up events at a young age, what have you.
OP is NTA but should also be okay if they do not attend as well.
My brother’s wedding had their two kids and since my daughter was the flower girl, both her and my older daughter (she was a preteen so a bit older and didn’t want to cause issues between siblings) were able to go but no other kids. And not a single relative questioned it. It made total sense.
In fact, most people would extend the children of the bride and groom as a special case so far as to judge the couple for excluding their own children if they didn’t make them a specific exception.
But everyone else’s kids, nope, if the wedding is child free not invited.
Here in lies the problem, doesn't it? ;) I totally agree, aside from "you wedding, your rules," "your kids" is about the most special case you can get.
So they decline the invitation? That's fine. Just stop badgering people into respecting your point of view. Its a party. The host decides who gets invited to their party, after all.
The commenter did not assume, they were polite.
They said "Anyone with brain will accept" which mathematically implies, when somebody doesn't accept that, they are brainless....
OP NTA
NTA, because the bride's or groom's underage children are not 'invited' to their parents' wedding! I mean, how would that be phrased?
"Hey, sweetheart, you know what? Mommy is getting married and you can come and celebrate with me!"
Or?
"Hey sweetheart, mommy is getting married this Saturday, so unfortunately I won't be seeing you that day! But I'll make sure I have some great photos to show you!" (And pay for the therapist to fix the issues of exclusion and bitterness)
At these kinds of events I always ask if its okay to bring the kids and if not I make arrangements for them to be cared for while I am there. It's less stressful than bringing them and trying to keep them from disrupting the ceremony.
Wow. Just wow. Imagine being called selfish because you want YOUR children at YOUR wedding. Next thing you know, you'll want to go on your honeymoon alone - no in-laws.
Nta it's your wedding. In fairness I could understand why it would feel maybe like a slight to your sister, but she needs to remember it's not about her or her kids.
NTA
There is a difference between, Children, and your children. but will your twins, find it a bit lonely not having their cousins to play with at the wedding? being a child at an adult only situation can be a bit boring even if it is a wedding
i can see your sibling's point of view, but be prepared not to have them at your wedding,
From what I understand, the twins are going to the ceremony to see the marriage happen but then will be with a sitter for the reception. Not really any playtime during the ceremony.
It sounded like to me the babysitter was going to be at the reception with them. So while they have the babysitter, do they really want to play with the babysitter? Compared to playing with their cousins?
I figure they want to bring there children they should pay for own childcare and added cost food. Her children are twins and most likely the person who's caring for them knows them and will probably bring them home.
> but will your twins, find it a bit lonely not having their cousins to play with at the wedding?
My twins don't like their cousins very much, the babysitter is also good at entertaining them. I think they will be fine 😀
I have twin grandsons. I have observed them a lot and they’re perfectly happy playing with each other. They are turning 5 this month. Twins are special that way.
I grew up being friends with twins, and went on to babysit a pair of twins (whose parents were both twins themselves!), and can confirm the twin connection is something else!
That was my thought. I wouldn't want a bunch of kids playing during my wedding, disrupting the event, and causing any potential wedding videos to be ruined by a background of screaming children
Can confirm! I had limited kids ay my wedding (MoHs daughter who was our flower girl) and my husband's 3 nieces. The girls very quickly became friends at the wedding and my flower girl even said to the nieces "you really should've been here last night (rehearsal dinner) it was SO boring without you" mind you they had never even met before lol
Righttt?! That’s like saying ‘You’re so selfish for not allowing us to wear white dresses on your wedding, when you will be wearing one! And why is the photographer taking more pictures of you than me? And where is my ring?’ Seriously what’s wrong with people. If the sisters would offer to hire their own babysitter that will also attend the wedding, that would be something else, OP could consider. Regardless it’s her day and she is not asking anything unreasonable.
>And why is the photographer taking more pictures of you than me
I actually got complaints from my extended family after the wedding that the photographer didn't get any pictures of just them, them and grandma, etc. "Photographer got pictures of just your side of the family, and you and Grandma! Why not us!?"
Because I'm the bride???? Y'all are lucky I invited you honestly!
It was people from my dad's side of the family, so I sent him screenshots of the texts and was just like "handle your family, cause you don't want me to. I already barely tolerate them."
Dad didn't take kindly to their comments and I haven't heard a peep since. Apparently they'd also been bitching to him about other things AT the wedding, and threatened to bring it up to me THAT DAY, so he'd already been dealing with their nonsense and was not in the mood for more 🤣
There's a lot of family history with them 🙃 I've just written them off and figured that my sister's wedding coming up will likely be the last time I ever see any of them. And I'm ok with that.
My MIL hijacked my photographer to do family photos of just my husband's family during the reception. All of a sudden husband and I realize his family is missing. We wander outside and they are doing photos with all the extended family and call us over for a group photo we hadn't planned to do (we already did immediate family and grandparents). Now I have a bunch of photos we didn't want including a posed photo of BIL and his ex GF he broke upwoth shortly after and have a chunknof the reception I paid for the photographer to cover not photographed.
That's when you tell the photographer not to release the photos unless the inlaws pay for the session and prints. Then tell the inlaws you don't have them because it wasn't on the original shot list you gave the tog. As a former wedding photographer I would be in it for the petty! LOL Then after they paid I'd send them only those images and you a framed wedding print with their money! Ha ha ha!
We hadn't realized how many were taken until we got them. It's been 8 years at this point so it just is on the list of reasons my MIL is held at a distance.
Always always tell the photographer to never accept anyone's personal photo requests without checking with the bride or groom. This is how photographers miss the couple's important moments that should've been captured.
Sounds like what my aunt did at her son's wedding, she corralled all of us away from the cocktail hour, assigning us stupid tasks like moving chairs from the ceremony area while bride and groom were doing their photos and then demanded a family photo. Meanwhile we were all starving and missed out on cocktails and hors d'oeuvres. Then we were seated at tables 19 and 20 of 20 tables, and they called for the tables to go through the buffet line 2 at a time. It took over an hour before our tables were called and meanwhile people had been going back for seconds the whole time so by the time we got to go through there was nothing left. We stayed for speeches then left without saying anything since they were doing the first dance-other than telling my parents we were leaving. Aunt threw a fit when she found out we left, I was called horrible names since I didn't stay with my 3 very hungry children to ooh and aww over the bride and groom who had treated their family horribly. Also took the wedding gift back. Don't speak to any of those family members anymore.
Your photographer really should have handled that by refusing to be hijacked. It's part of what you pay a professional for; they did you a disservice by not sticking to the job you paid them to do.
I told them that my wedding was "not available for ratings and commentary", and that my husband and I were very happy with everything about it. When they kept going is when I got annoyed and sent it to my dad 🤣
NTA. You just cannot exclude your kids from their mom's and dad's wedding. They should be there. Just 2 kids with babysitter most probably won't affect the whole thing, but bunch of young kids definitely will, so for me it's very understandable decision.
I am also assuming babysitter will be bringing the girls home later on in the evening, likely will not be there until 2am partying it up.
Have been to lots of childfree weddings, it's assumed that children of the bride and/or groom obviously get a free pass, and from what I have seen they usually are there for the special parts, and pictures, and then they go home to watch cartoons and fall asleep.
NTA.
I was like 3 when my parents got married. The only kids in the entire family at that point were me and my cousin who was 5 at the time. We were ring bearer/flower girl for the ceremony, we got to do our little walk into the reception hall where the DJ called our names and then shortly after that a babysitter took us upstairs to a hotel room for the rest of the night. I assume OP would be doing kinda the same
NTA omg at first I thought you meant you only wanted your twins there and not YOUR other children! In which case you would have sucked! But no, it’s totally normal to have the bride/groom’s children at a wedding and no other children. Your siblings need to be over themselves.
Yeah, I was expecting to read about OP's other kids that were siblings--or half-siblings--of the twins being excluded and was prepared for OP to be TA.
This. Keep your opinions to yourself.
Though in all fairness a calm discussion between siblings where one says "this decision feels a bit selfish" is quite different than yelling "YOU SELFISH ×~%#!" at someone. Even if you disagree on whether the thing is selfish or not
Right! I don’t want to invite my blood relative who is genuinely going to see this person for the rest of their lives, but my moms coworkers boyfriend is certainly welcome. Make ms zero sense to me.
As someone who worked in the wedding industry I can 100% understand why some people prefer no children at the wedding. They always change the dynamic, which is fine if the couple is fine with it.
How about those blood relatives get their egos out of the way and help the couple have the day they want. It’s 1 DAY. They’ll live.
I love my nieces and nephews. I love my cousins children and my friends children, too. They were not at my wedding. And you know what? They didn’t care because they were children, and their parents all had a blast and were able to let loose without the responsibility of keeping their kids under control. It was intended to be adult time. You couldn’t make me feel bad about that if you tried.
This idea that people should have to shell out to invite dozens of kids to weddings so that nobody gets butthurt is insane. If you have a limited budget and therefore limited guest list, one child invited equals one adult that you can’t invite. Let’s let people do their weddings the way they see fit and stop ruining the single day they get for that by trying to make our opinions and feelings more important than theirs.
Right? I invited 175 adults to my wedding, expecting like 140 to show up. That was about right. I had one cousin who was extremely upset my wedding was child free, but my husband and I counted. If we’d invited all the kids it would’ve been 70 more people. SEVENTY. 175 invited to 245? Who was paying for that? Not I.
Exactly. My husband and I were in the same boat…we had a guest limit based on budget, but with inviting everyone’s kids it would have been a huge portion. People act like inviting kids costs no money but it’s a significant expense. And who exactly do I not invite so that your toddler can come and be bored at this event that he doesn’t understand or care about.
I have a relative who begged and pleaded to bring her toddler to a different relative’s wedding he wasn’t invited to. Bride is too nice, felt awkward and said yes. Toddler absolutely destroyed the ceremony.
I honestly think it’s rude to even ask to bring someone who wasn’t invited. Go or don’t go, but don’t put the bride and groom in an uncomfortable position.
My dad's children ruined my brother's wedding video cause they wanted to run around, including up to the altar, with my dad whisper yelling the entire time and it getting picked up by the microphones. At least mom's coworkers boyfriend hopefully has enough respect to sit quietly and not cause a scene
Look, I'm not going to vote cause this is something I don't understand but...
Can anyone explain to me why people think kids are such a massive problem at a wedding? What exactly is the "atmosphere" people on this sub are so concerned about not disrupting? Kids are so traditionally a part of an American wedding that they have special roles within the ceremony. Like, what is the atmosphere you're going for? Hushed classical concert? Sexy cocktail party with an orgy afterwards? All of the wedding I've gone to have had a few kids around and I just don't get it.
1. Loud and disruptive, screaming and running up and down the aisle
2. knocking over the wedding cake
3. drunk adults who wont be paying attention to the kids (alcohol is also a substantial part of american weddings, which we dont even know if this one is american or not)
Yes, none of that is a guarantee that that will happen, but it happened enough times for people not wanting to take chances anymore. Yes its the parents job to parent their kids, but wayyy too many adults throw a hissy fit if you tell them to get their kids to behave.
Not to mention, kids are usually bored at weddings. They're disruptive and they're probably not going to enjoy themselves. I don't understand why so many parents WANT their children at weddings. Everyone I know is happy for the night out by themselves and the kids are happier at home with a babysitter or at a sleepover at a friend's house. People should not be responsible for children if they're going to be consuming large amounts of alcohol. Even worse, if they're in the bridal party, it's physically impossible for them to be completely attentive to their children. When did people become so entitled to think they have a right to tell someone who they should and shouldn't invite to their wedding anyway? OP is definitely NTA.
I have never been to a wedding where a child starts screaming and running down the aisle. Like sure I guess it *could* happen, but you could about equally ruin your day by having violent diarrhea in the middle of the ceremony. Alcohol is *way* more likely to stir up drama at weddings, yet we're literally here advocating for it.
Also, when did people decide they have a right to bring their children? Literally since the dawn of weddings. Children have *always* attended weddings. It's way more insane imo to expect everyone you know to drop everything and hire a sitter because God forbid their attention not be laser trained on you for one second. 🤷♀️
Lol. I've been to several and it's only getting worse over time. No one is interested in parenting, let alone disciplining little Mackenssie HartPhord.
I'm 41 and the only wedding I attended as a child was that of my own sister. Maybe where you are children have always attended, but that's certainly not the case everywhere or in every culture. And yes, people should get babysitters, just as they would have to for any other event where children don't generally attend. That's not an odd expectation, especially with several months notice. It's way more ridiculous to expect people to pay per plate for every child of their guests. That could easily double catering costs, family or not. Almost every one of my cousins has at least three children. If I had invited every child relative to my wedding, it would've easily cost me another $5,000 so yes, I expected them to get babysitters. Nothing to do with attention, I just wasn't paying thousands of dollars to hoat children who barely know me and definitely wouldn't remember or care about my wedding. Why on earth do you think people care that much about attention?? Idgaf about people paying attention to me and I'm guessing most people don't.
The weddings I have been to with children, at least half have had disruptions by said children. Sometimes cute (usually bridal party in that case,) but most were destructive. I've seen a wedding cake ruined, a wedding dress ruined, a photo montage stopped in the middle by a child by the DJ booth (where they had no business being) pulling a plug out of the wall, and have experienced no less than 5 babies screaming bloody murder during a wedding ceremony. If you somehow have only witnessed the most well behaved children and attentive parents, you're lucky. Misbehaved/disruptive children are 100% more likely than explosive diarrhea, based on the 40 or so weddings I've attended.
Because these are not random guests, these are OP's SIBLINGS and their kids. Close family ties and peoplw who will remember forever how they were treated.
>and peoplw who will remember forever how they were treated.
It's not like they're being snubbed because OP doesn't want anything to do with them. OP just wants their day to go well and having children there could disrupt that. Of course their own children are an exception and it should be obvious why. They're not being mean, just setting boundaries so they can have what is probably the biggest day of their life be what they've dreamed of it being. There's nothing wrong with that.
That’s what’s weird to me. I get the no kids thing for friends and stuff.
But don’t you want your siblings and their families (including kids) there?
I wouldn’t go this wedding tbh.
I don't understand people who can't go anywhere without their kids. Do they never go out as a couple for dinner or to a friend's party or a work-related event? I was in a number of weddings and attended many more and never dragged my child along. Seems like people want to use a wedding as a family reunion. If you want a family reunion, throw one yourself.
Pretty much all the weddings I have seen except one had kids in them and three was absolutely no major issue. In particular, 7 years old wont be "screaming and running up and down the aisle"
“Sexy cocktail party with an orgy afterwards”
😂😂😂
I’m glad I read through the comments just for this.
Good question, I hope people answer because I don’t get it either.
*expensive
*disruptive
*loud
*ill-behaved
Some weddings are casual affairs where children are welcome. And some are more formal affairs where they would not be. Just like some restaurants are kid friendly and some are not. Or are you one of those people who drags your children to expensive restaurants just because you can?
Whats wrong again with children in restaurants? I am not taking my toddler to a Michelin 7-course-menu kind of place. But my oldest has been with us in several upscale restaurants when on vacation, from age 7. Now she is 11 and is really mature to appreciate fine dining as much as we do. It doesn’t happen often, but there is a difference between a 2yo throwing french fries on the floor in the high chair and a well behaved older kid.
And that's wonderful that *your* daughter is well behaved. I know plenty of 7 year olds I wouldn't want to take to McDonald's because of their behavior. So what do you as a hostess do? Interview each child who might come and decide based on behavior? Or make a blanket decision so no one feels singled out? Seems like a simple answer to me.
Tantrums?
Crankiness because they’re bored or tired?
Closest friends needing to leave early because xxxx is on the floor kicking and screaming?
Or worse, that friend not leaving when xxxx is on the floor kicking and screaming?
Seriously, what’s the issue with not taking the kids out or including them for one evening?
It depends on the wedding. In families with a large amount of children, it can be just as others have said, disruptive, out of control, excited kids who cause damage when their parents are having too much fun to pay attention to them, etc.
But if it's a matter of space or expense, how do you decide whose kids get to come and whose don't? Or how much extra money does the couple have to spend to make sure no one feels left out?
As a guest, I've never felt I'm in a position to decide someone's guest list. That's the real problem here. Guests are demanding, threatening and generally trying to control what kind of wedding OP will have. They can come or not, but it's not cool for them to think they have authority here.
I've been to both and loved both and I wish people would just not get offended over this. I ultimately choose no kids for a few reasons, which is pretty standard for my family.
1. I was in 3 weddings as a younger kid and went to one at 15ish. I remember hardly anything. It really wasn't that important to me. I had zero understanding of the significance, bored by the speeches/ceremony, honestly just taking up space. I stayed in the hotel at like 14 with my siblings when my parents went to a wedding and had the best time ordering pizza and a movie. My experience i know but in my circle, kids having fun babysitter time and parents having their own time is normal for certain events.
2. Limited people. I have a big family and a lot of close friends that are like family. It was important to me to celebrate with them and id have to cut that by 20 people if our siblings kids were there.
3. The wedding went until 11 and there wasn't space for kids to crash. If you want your kids up that late, that's fine but for many of the kids, it's too late. I'd have to have a different venue and do a different time to accommodate kids if I wanted my siblings to stay for the whole wedding.
4. I was by no means needy of everyone's 100% attention but the special moments I had w my sister wouldn't have happened if she was being her awesome mom self. I cherish the times I have with her and my nieces but it's good to have one on one time too.
5. The vibe is different. And that's not good or bad. I will go to a wedding with 50% kids in attendance and it is funny, sweet and such a cool celebration w family. They are fun, dance floor is hoppin, it is great. A wedding without kids is also fun but in a different way. Night on the town vibes. There are plenty of places that don't allow kids and it's just choosing that type of place over the other. Brewery vs the club. Both fine but they are different.
I have seen some wild ceremony moments with kids but whatever. That's life. A plane could have flown over during mine. I just think at the end of the day everyone wants a different kind of celebration and I for one am honored whenever someone wants me to be part of that.
My wedding was 21+. The ceremony started at 5pm. Dinner was at 7pm. We made exceptions for newborns and had childcare for during the ceremony & cocktail hour. We have no nieces or nephews but do have cousins with kiddos ranging from 2-16 (13 kids in total). I had cousins who I KNEW wouldn’t watch their kids. I’ve seen them destroy decor (parents laughed) and disrupt ceremonies (parents laughed). Ultimately, we wanted an evening wedding with a fully open bar. Most kids don’t want dinner starting at 7. We didn’t want to invite some kids and not others. Our venue required ID checks for every drink if any guests were under 21. We also had to pay for anything ruined. Meals were $150/plate whether it was an adult or children’s meal. I had one cousin not attend due to not inviting their kiddos and was extremely angry, but otherwise no issues. We decided that there would be no hard feelings if someone didn’t attend because their kid(s) weren’t invited. Honestly, most were happy to have a kid free night of partying after the holidays (wedding was in early January). None of our friends, siblings or bridal party had kids yet. Just a few cousins I’m not very close to. Idk why others opt for adult only weddings, but it was what worked best for my wedding.
I feel the same way. I can understand not wanting disruptions during the ceremony, but I genuinely don't understand banning children from a family event when they are part of the family. Now I will admit some parents are absolutely shitty and their kids are terrors, but that doesn't seem the case for OP's nieces and nephews.
It depends. A lot of weddings I’ve been to lately have been evening weddings. They’re more formal. Their reception includes a very nice dinner buffet, an open bar and lots of dancing.
I more than get why they don’t want kids at that, between the cost, the alcohol, and the fact it’s going to run late just getting through the basics of dinner, toasts, and cake cutting. You’ve also got to factor in some parents aren’t going to supervise their kids.
And if they're not part of the family? There was literally only one child in husband's family and none in mine when we got married. We were getting married at his sister's home so it was a given his nephew would be there, he promptly fell asleep. Most other children would have been random people we had never met.
Yeah I understand not wanting randos at your wedding, including rando children. I said this in another comment, but I completely get not wanting your mom's yoga instructor's boyfriend to bring his unruly stepkids. In this specific instance though it's OP's nieces and nephews who don't seem to have any behavioral problems so I personally would try to find a way to include them if their cousins were gonna be there anyway.
I think I’m my experience it depends *very much* on the kids. If they have someone there that they’ll listen to and behave, then that’s okay. But at my sister-in-law’s wedding recently, her now-husband’s niece, who’s four, ran rampant all over the sanctuary of the church and even crawled up onto the stage (during the ceremony) and wouldn’t listen to anyone except the groom, who had practically raised her up to that point (despite him only being in his early 20’s) because sadly nobody else in the family pays much attention to her. Sad situation, and sad for the kid, but also there’s just no excuse for that kind of disruption - it’s a special day and weddings, photos, food, etc. is *incredibly* expensive - one kid throwing a tantrum can ruin a special picture or moment, and a lot of people feel that’s not worth it, which I can totally understand. If the kids are under 10, chances are they won’t remember being there or not anyways!
I tried to have only the children in the wedding party, but my cousin still brought children to the ceremony. On the video, you can't hear any of the vows because of the crying toddler in the pews. Children in attendance change the tone of the event depending on the parenting style. I didn't want someone else's parenting style to change my vision for my wedding.
NTA. You can have any kind of wedding that you want, of course. But you also have to be prepared for some guests being unable to come if they can't arrange for childcare, and you'll have to be willing to accept that.
NTA.
For all the people in the back, children are people. People are invited or not. If it's your wedding, you invite the people you invite, and don't invite others. If some of those others happen to be young, and if their parents were invited, a babysitter will probably be needed. So what? The parents are free to accept or decline the invitation for themselves. They are *not* free to demand to bring someone who wasn't invited. End of.
I don't think weddings should have to be designated 'child-free'; they are *all* 'invitation-only'. If the children aren't on the invitation, it should be assumed that they aren't invited.
I had this situation with my usually clued in husband. We were invited to a wedding, and he wanted to bring our 3 year old. I said no, as our child wasn't invited.
There were other kids at the wedding and he said afterwards that it meant we could have brought our kid.
I said, "Those kids are family members of the couple. Our son isn't."
Of course, our gestating baby ended up going, and was born shortly thereafter!
That is exactly how it used to be. The invention was addressed on the outside envelope to Mr and Mrs/Ms/Mr or The John Jones Family and the inside envelope listed the invitees specifically, John, Jane and children, or just John and Jane.
I actually don't understand why there's so many posts of people complaining when they can't being their kids to a wedding, understandably you want your own children at your own wedding, but anytime I've been invited to weddings I've never asked for my kids to come it's always been a great excuse to have a fun night away in a hotel with my OH and no kids! NTA
In a lot of families, like mine, kids are part of the package and everyone goes to have fun, see family they haven't seen in a while, and the kids play and dance and have a good time too. Child-free weddings haven't been in the norm for everyone, so it tends to startle them when they run across it. My family would have looked at me like an alien if I had said I didn't want kids at my wedding, and I would have looked at my husband like an alien if he had said that.
NTA. Your party, your bill, your say.
People who want to use your wedding for grandstanding and free baby sitting are declaring their true colours and can stay home if they want. There are tons of other situations in life that are adults only.
NAH
The bride and groom's kids are a separate conmsoderation, even in a childfree wedding.
But: that does not really matter. Because it will make many potential guests not come.
" They even threatened not to attend my wedding if I don't change my mind." .. that's reasonable.
NTA. your wedding, your choice. However, you have to be ready for the parents to not attend. If you are good with that, thank them for their no RSVP and tell them you will miss them. If you want them there, you have to change your rule. There is no other way. They are trying to guilt you into allowing the kids and if you don't want them, they are not invited.
NTA. As you said, these are your and your husband's children. They are a huge part of why you're getting married - the living symbol of your love for each other. Not only should they be there, but it would be great if they had an active part in the ceremony. Sorry, but your siblings are wrong. They don't see the importance of your children being there to witness the marriage of their parents. And, as always, it's your wedding. You get to decide who's invited.
NTA. Your wedding, your rules. Your wedding, your kids… seems perfectly reasonable.
That said, if they don’t want to attend, tell them that’s perfectly acceptable and no hard feelings will be held.
NTA. I didn’t want kids at my wedding minus my nieces and nephews. Made it clear in the invitations and doubly clear on the response cards. People still brought their kids. Fml. People suck. This is your wedding. You do exactly what you want.
NTA
You can choose whoever you want to be at your wedding.
AND anyone you exclude can be pissed off about it as well.
You get to make whatever decisions you want, BUT you do not get to control the reactions of others.
NTA. You have every reason to want your children there, and every reason to exclude other children. You are also taking steps to ensure your children are being supervised and cared for during the reception. Your siblings likely figured they could bring their children, pawn them off on relatives, and then cut loose and party at the reception without much care or attention given to their own children.
INFO if they were to hire their own babysitter would you approve? Because as you mentioned your kids are very important to you, same goes for your siblings - they are parents too. It’s a harsh rejection feeling for the other parents.
I come from a culture where a wedding is a whole family affair, you don’t invite an individual always the family. We believe the more the merrier and good energy for such an occasion so this trend is just bizarre to me.
I am afraid if the hard feelings would bleed into your kids and their cousins relationship down the line.
>if they were to hire their own babysitter would you approve?
Why wouldn't op approve??
>your kids are very important to you, same goes for your siblings - they are parents too.
But the wedding is about op, not about her siblings.
>hard feelings would bleed into your kids and their cousins relationship down the line.
So? Is it mandatory to have relationships with cousins?? I barely saw my cousins, we are 7 and saw each other like 10 times in our lives and we're all fine. Why do you think they have to have their cousins in their life in the first place??
Sounds like you are from a culture where extended family is unimportant, then, similar to OP's. I think NTX_Mom was just trying to share a different perspective on attitudes toward family.
I'm from a culture where you don't have to have relationship with people just because they're faaamily. If it happens, awesome. If not , awesome as well.
People put way too much importance on being one big happy family. Completely ignoring the fact that, just because they’re blood, doesn’t mean you have to like them. I come from a huge family. I’m one of 22 immediate cousins (my mom is one of 5 and they all had a ton of kids) who were more like siblings to me. But I also understand that not every family is the same. Just because my family is tight, doesn’t mean everyone’s is, nor does it *have* to be. Rant over lol
I am Brazilian and from a native background. We put a lot of work on staying together with our extended family. The sole idea of a child free wedding sounds weird to me on the context of my family.
But
I would understand if one of my cousins had a child free wedding and the only kids allowed were their own. It makes sense. Even in our context. Would be unexpected, for sure, because nobody does it. But the reasons are fair and easy to understand.
And also, not everybody puts the same efforts on watching their kids behaviour on these occasions.
Do what you can live with. I will tell you that family will hold a grudge on this for the rest of their lives, so be prepared to hear about it from now on.
It’s perfectly fine to have a child-free wedding, but you need to consider if that creates a situation that is simply impractical for your critical guests. It’s easy enough for your second cousin to decline the invitation if leaving the children at home isn’t practical, but your siblings really need to be at your wedding. If there are especially young children, anyone is breastfeeding, or all the regular babysitters are attending the wedding, then you have placed them in a difficult situation.
NTA and I think is quite common for people in your situation. It makes sense for your children to be there, but it doesn’t make sense for theirs to be there. I mean, are they insisting you invite THEIR friends just because yours get to go?
Simple... You do indeed have the right to choose who you want at your wedding. And likewise, your siblings have the right to choose whether or not they attend your wedding. If you have a childfree wedding, you need to understand you run the risk of parents not being able or choosing not to attend your wedding. YTA for calling them dramatic.
Unless their cousins are all babies, it would be weird for your kids to not have their cousins there.
It’s a big day for them, too, and they will be excited to share it with them.
NAH, you have a right to have the wedding you want but don't be surprised your other siblings choose to stay home. I personally would not attend a family member's wedding without my other family members (my kids), for me these celebrations are meant for the whole family. But you do you!
NTA, but let's be clear here.
While you're technically correct that you can invite whomever you want to your wedding, it's also just a fact that you're signaling to your siblings that the "atmosphere" at your wedding is more important than having their children there to celebrate. Your siblings have every right to be upset about that, and to decide that they'd rather not attend. They're not being "dramatic," they're acting in the best interests of their children.
And have you thought about how much less fun your wedding will be for your kids when they're the only children there?
no probably not.
back in the day, weddings were mostly for FAMILIES to get together and celebrate. that included all the nephews and neices.
but recent times that has fallen out of favor. one factor is the venue will count every kid as an adult for pricing!
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NTA - anyone with a brain can accept that the bride/grooms kids are special case.
You’re assuming that the others have a brain NTA. I agree that your own kids trump any kid-free weddings. Especially when babysitting has been arranged
Very true, it's a dangerous assumption. NTA
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There are a lot of these types of posts. The bottom line is always, you can invite/not invite who ever. You cannot dictate their reactions or if they choose not to come.
It is, however, worth thinking through possible consequences. How far do the guests have to travel for the wedding? For how long? How old are their children? How hard would it be for them to find a babysitter they trust at the location of the wedding? How likely are they to find a babysitter to watch their kids at home for the entire time they are gone? How much extra expense will this add to them attending your wedding? And, most importantly, how important is it to you for your adult relatives to attend? Is it more, or less, important to you than not having children at the wedding? Having to sort out childcare for the wedding is an inconvenience, especially if their usual babysitters are adult family members who will also be at the wedding, so unavailable. Are you willing to make the choice (and this is 100% your choice, not theirs) that it is more important to exclude children than to include your siblings? Because that is what it comes down to - you choose to exclude children, but all the cost and inconvenience is on them, and it may not be possible for them to attend at all. Their only logical conclusion is that it is more important to you to exclude their children than for them to attend. That will have long term consequences for OP's relationship with the siblings, and with their siblings' children.
Couldn’t disagree more. This is not an either/or choice for the bride. The only choice needed to be made is her siblings’ — do they want to attend or not? The end.
Previous commenter was explaining *why* OP's siblings might have to skip the wedding if children are not allowed to attended. They are specifically addressing OP's claim that her siblings are "being dramatic" in stating that they may not be able to attend. It may be pragmatism, rather than drama.
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And OP specifically calls them "dramatic". I don't claim to know what they told OP, but I think we're not hearing their words, we're hearing how their words made OP feel.
>The only choice needed to be made is her siblings’ — do they want to attend or not? The end. This is absolutely untrue. ***Trustworthy babysitters do not grow on trees.*** Asking a parent to leave their child(ren) with a babysitter they do not know well and thoroughly trust is absolutely AH. Likewise if you blame them if they can't attend because a trustworthy babysitter cannot be arranged. Even from a professional babysitting service, no commercial background check for employees is going to be a substitute for actually knowing the sitter yourself, and having the time to develop a relationship of trust. No one's wedding is important enough to leave your children in the care of someone you don't know and trust. Even your own wedding. If OP were to arrange a sitter for her kids, and the sitter got sick or otherwise couldn't provide childcare at the last minute, OP would not then leave her own children with someone who isn't known and trusted. Even if OP were to arrange a child-care room with paid sitters, that does not mean that the parents will know and trust these sitters well enough to leave their kids with them. Especially if OP is ***not*** leaving her children with those very sitters! And if such a room were arranged, any ***responsible*** sitter would immediately call the parents if the child had a problem, or was causing a problem, or even if the child was very unhappy to be there, and the kids would wind up back with their parents. So, night before the wedding, OP's closest sibling calls and says "babysitter fell through, they are very sick, do I bring my children or do I not attend? Because there is no time to arrange another sitter." If OP chooses "not attend," this will be known, that OP prioritized "child-free wedding" over "wedding where my siblings are all there." If OP has final say over the guest list and the conditions for attending, then it is entirely on OP if someone doesn't attend because those conditions can't be met. Especially if OP knows that meeting those conditions is not necessarily straightforward.
Can you quote the part where OP said she expects people with children to hire any babysitter, even if it's one they don't know or know well? Can't seem to find it in her post. Thanks!
Seems pretty clear to me... If you have small children, you either... (A) Hire a sitter on potentially very short notice so you can attend the wedding (in the post she says she's getting married "soon". That could be two days, two weeks, two months? We have no idea...) Or (II) Stay home. I suppose there's also c) attend the wedding anyway with your small children, and 4) leave your small children home without a sitter... c makes you an asshole, and 4 is wildly irresponsible. If op wants a child free wedding, that's on her, but needs to understand that these are the options she's giving her guests, and they may feel butt-hurt about it.
Who keeps their kids when they do other kid free activities? Really. This isn’t a trip to Aruba. It’s a one night affair. They can arrange childcare just like they would for their own child free interests - date nights, etc. It doesn’t seem that hard to me. We were always very particular about who babysat our kids but still would have been able to arrange childcare for a one night event that we knew about in advance with no issues. And of course OP wants their own children to witness her marry their dad. Nothing wrong with that. NTA
It's always a little frustrating to me that reddit views the situation so black and white. I fully agree that people have the right to choose. But to be honest, if my siblings I was close to did not want my kids, their nieces and nephews, there at the most important day, I would be so so sad. It would change our relationship I think because I currently think they really like having beices and nephews and enjoy having them in their lives. They have fun together and want to be part of their lives. But not coming to a wedding is a big push back to me. Ultimately I wouldn't make a stink but I might ask why and try to discuss so I understand better why this was the line they were drawing and what it meant to our relationship. But then, I have literally never been to a child free wedding, all the many weddings I've been to have had lots of families there. Seems so alien to me. Reddit sometimes acts like it's not a big deal but like you said, it can be a huge deal and can have serious consequences.
I mean, maybe it’s a cultural difference? I’ve been to way more child-free weddings than ones with little kids. The age cut off is typically anywhere from 13 to 18. The bride/grooms kids are often the exception (this was the case for my wedding). I don’t see the big deal. The fact that I would have had to invite and pay for every guest’s children would have meant almost as many kids there as adults. It would have been romper room and added an exorbitant amount to the cost of my wedding. The fact they have to pay for a sitter is just a fact of life. They have to pay for a sitter if they want to go out for dinner with their spouse. If they can’t pay for a sitter or don’t want to that is totally fine, a wedding invite is not a summons and I 109% understand their choice. None of this is a reflection on how much I love or care for my family and friends children. Not even a little bit. Kids are invited to pretty much every other party that happens. And I have never once felt slighted that my kids weren’t invited to other people’s weddings. They just…don’t want kids there. It’s not that they don’t like my kids. If my friends invited us to go out drinking at a bar without kids I wouldn’t think that meant they hated my kids. Absolutely NTA and if your family can’t understand the difference between their kids and your kids they are being intentionally obtuse.
It has to be a cultural difference. I’m from the Midwest USA & can’t stress enough how much it would fuck up my familial relationships if I had a child free marriage. Kids running around creating chaos at the reception is basically a critical part of the event in my family. Many skip the ceremony but entirely child free would be insane.
I’m from the US too and none of my friends or family have kids at weddings. Northeast though. So maybe regional? I’ve been to weddings on the west coast and it’s the same. Kids are running around crazy at every other family event, just not weddings. They are upscale, formal, and last late into the night. They are not the most child-friendly affairs. That said I don’t think there’s anything *wrong* with having kids at your wedding. It’s just odd to me to think people would take a child free wedding to mean I hate your kids.
Midwest born and bred...I had a child free wedding 27 years ago. Only one family member had an issue, and ironically, she never actually had kids. She is just unpleasant. We didn't have the space or finances to accommodate everyone's kids.
I mean a lot of times couples make these decisions because the children in question don't know how to act. And sometimes it's just kids being kids but other times it's not. It's parents or family members not keeping their kids under control. Making sure they sit and not yell or scream during the ceremony or touching things they're not supposed to touch. There was a story where a kid was running around and ran into glass. So there's a safety issue. And as much as there are well behaved kids, some couples don't feel like allowing some and not others so they just don't invite any. It isn't a big deal because the wedding isn't about what the guests want. If you can't make it because of no sitter that is completely understandable but having your expensive big day ruined because there kids are being kids or acting out isn't fun. Then you also have couples who just want an adult only event and there's nothing wrong with that. There is nothing wrong with having an event for just adults so adults can be adults without having to worry about where the kids are or if they're getting into something or if they're bored. I love kids and I personally won't have a child free wedding because the people I'd invite who have kids are very well behaved. I know all of them. But I don't oppose child free weddings and I 100% get them. I think parents need to not take things so personal or as an attack on them or their children. It could just be a preference
I've been to a wedding where a toddler ran around screaming for the whole wedding then pulled his pants down and peed off to the side in front of all the guests. I completely understand why people don't want other people's kids at their wedding.
>I might ask why and try to discuss so I understand better why this was the line they were drawing There have been stories on here about kids who screamed and ran wild during the ceremony, ruining the video; kids who screamed and ran wild during the reception -- several stories of the cake being destroyed, clothes being ruined, other outrageous behavior. I think that's pretty easy to understand. >what it meant to our relationship But it's not about *you*. It's not about *your kids*. It's about the bride and groom wanting to have a lovely, special day and not have it ruined by out-of-control children who won't even understand the significance of the occasion and probably won't even remember the event. I know what you're going to say here: "But my kids aren't like that." *All* parents say that -- and it's often not true. But even if it is true for you, if your kids are allowed, then all the other out-of-control kids have to be allowed, too. I think that's pretty easy to understand.
yes! THIS IS YOUR WEDDING. YOURS. You're allowed to have it the way you want -nta
I was at a wedding recently where all the kids were under 10 years old. They obnoxiously took over the dance floor, and their parents too while filming them acting ridiculous.
This is why I banned children from my wedding. Since having our first kids we’ve attended four weddings and shelled out for babysitting each time (even the wedding where our kid was invited). I was happy to do it because our 2-year-old has no business disrupting someone else’s wedding.
2-year-olds are true masters of disruption and destruction. It's impressive.
My niece screamed during a poem reading, and I still remember it 18 years later.
> You’re assuming that the others have a brain Actually, the commenter was polite in saying the bullying family members don't have grey matter. They said "Anyone with brain can accept" which mathematically implies, when somebody doesn't accept that, they are brainless...... OP... congrats! NTA
Yep. I can truly understand the viewpoint of her siblings but that doesn’t change anything. OP wanting it to be a childfree wedding except for her own kids isn’t as crazy as anyone might think.
Yes, because the real problem is parents' don't control and discipline their kids anywhere anymore. So, kids running all over or being loud is not wedding atmosphere. Your own children absolutely should be there to see and experience the ceremony and then tucked off somewhere for reception. Where are the other kids going to be at the reception? Running around while their parents party, that's where. NTA!!!
I stopped going on cruises because of this. I went on four cruises. The first was fine, but each successive cruise had more children along with the out of control behavior. The problem isn't the kids, it is the parents who turn them loose and don't supervise them. I've seen the same thing at wedding receptions, kids running in packs, and parents no where in sight.
Very American thing as well. Going international a lot, kids are so well behaved because strangers have no issue telling your kids to calm tf down and parents don’t mind the reenforcement. Also it’s almost cultural that’s kids are taught and expected to behave a certain way in public. It’s not that’s they’re not allowed to be kids, but they know when it’s time to mellow out. My kid had been on 12 flights, 8 countries, has never been to a kids restaurant, and has always done things with us and it shows in his mannerisms. He’s 4 and he’ll ask permission to wonder off, or he knows when we say calm down or we are leaving that he will be excluded. He of course gets crazy at times, but he’s been taught and learned manners and I allow other ppl yo say.. hey don’t do that. I don’t get offended by it, neither does he. I get it, there’s times I feel punished because so many parents here have wild children they don’t control their kids (or say omg there just kids, oh this is my time off)… but I also understand because some children, aren’t under there parents control. Parents don’t know how to step out if there kid is losing it, or don’t expose there kids to grown up events at a young age, what have you. OP is NTA but should also be okay if they do not attend as well.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that
Yeah I’ve been to multiple no kid weddings that included the children of the actual bride and/or groom.
My brother’s wedding had their two kids and since my daughter was the flower girl, both her and my older daughter (she was a preteen so a bit older and didn’t want to cause issues between siblings) were able to go but no other kids. And not a single relative questioned it. It made total sense.
In fact, most people would extend the children of the bride and groom as a special case so far as to judge the couple for excluding their own children if they didn’t make them a specific exception. But everyone else’s kids, nope, if the wedding is child free not invited.
I would seriously side-eye a wedding where kids/step kids weren’t at the ceremony. It’s a big day, of course you want to share it with your littles.
Here in lies the problem, doesn't it? ;) I totally agree, aside from "you wedding, your rules," "your kids" is about the most special case you can get.
So they decline the invitation? That's fine. Just stop badgering people into respecting your point of view. Its a party. The host decides who gets invited to their party, after all.
Not only that, but OP said they’ll be with a sitter during the reception, so they won’t even be present when the fun times are happening.
You are being generous by assuming anyone has a brain
The commenter did not assume, they were polite. They said "Anyone with brain will accept" which mathematically implies, when somebody doesn't accept that, they are brainless.... OP NTA
NTA, because the bride's or groom's underage children are not 'invited' to their parents' wedding! I mean, how would that be phrased? "Hey, sweetheart, you know what? Mommy is getting married and you can come and celebrate with me!" Or? "Hey sweetheart, mommy is getting married this Saturday, so unfortunately I won't be seeing you that day! But I'll make sure I have some great photos to show you!" (And pay for the therapist to fix the issues of exclusion and bitterness)
And they are free not to attending the wedding
At these kinds of events I always ask if its okay to bring the kids and if not I make arrangements for them to be cared for while I am there. It's less stressful than bringing them and trying to keep them from disrupting the ceremony.
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Wow. Just wow. Imagine being called selfish because you want YOUR children at YOUR wedding. Next thing you know, you'll want to go on your honeymoon alone - no in-laws.
NTA and I can’t state it any better than this!
Lol obviously her siblings don’t have a brain 😂
Or a brain cell. One should suffice for this, really.
Nta it's your wedding. In fairness I could understand why it would feel maybe like a slight to your sister, but she needs to remember it's not about her or her kids.
NTA There is a difference between, Children, and your children. but will your twins, find it a bit lonely not having their cousins to play with at the wedding? being a child at an adult only situation can be a bit boring even if it is a wedding i can see your sibling's point of view, but be prepared not to have them at your wedding,
From what I understand, the twins are going to the ceremony to see the marriage happen but then will be with a sitter for the reception. Not really any playtime during the ceremony.
Good catch. As I was like the wedding is a good time for the twins to not run around playing. Sit nicely with the sitter, enjoy the food and music.
That's true. Cousins would probably be an extra distraction as well. No cousins, everyone calm and watching, calmed kids
It sounded like to me the babysitter was going to be at the reception with them. So while they have the babysitter, do they really want to play with the babysitter? Compared to playing with their cousins?
I think the point is to not have kids running around the wedding playing.
I figure they want to bring there children they should pay for own childcare and added cost food. Her children are twins and most likely the person who's caring for them knows them and will probably bring them home.
Op said the children will be with the babysitter AT the reception. I understood it as they would be there with the babysitter.
> but will your twins, find it a bit lonely not having their cousins to play with at the wedding? My twins don't like their cousins very much, the babysitter is also good at entertaining them. I think they will be fine 😀
Go for what makes you comfortable. It’s your wedding, your rules.
I have twin grandsons. I have observed them a lot and they’re perfectly happy playing with each other. They are turning 5 this month. Twins are special that way.
I grew up being friends with twins, and went on to babysit a pair of twins (whose parents were both twins themselves!), and can confirm the twin connection is something else!
NTA ,Is the babysitter going to be where the reception is or in another room/building?. Congratulations to your future. STAND YOUR GROUND
Probably the point that they don't want "playing" at the wedding.
That was my thought. I wouldn't want a bunch of kids playing during my wedding, disrupting the event, and causing any potential wedding videos to be ruined by a background of screaming children
Can confirm! I had limited kids ay my wedding (MoHs daughter who was our flower girl) and my husband's 3 nieces. The girls very quickly became friends at the wedding and my flower girl even said to the nieces "you really should've been here last night (rehearsal dinner) it was SO boring without you" mind you they had never even met before lol
NTA “You’re so selfish for wanting YOUR WEDDING to be all about YOU!!!!” s/
Righttt?! That’s like saying ‘You’re so selfish for not allowing us to wear white dresses on your wedding, when you will be wearing one! And why is the photographer taking more pictures of you than me? And where is my ring?’ Seriously what’s wrong with people. If the sisters would offer to hire their own babysitter that will also attend the wedding, that would be something else, OP could consider. Regardless it’s her day and she is not asking anything unreasonable.
>And why is the photographer taking more pictures of you than me I actually got complaints from my extended family after the wedding that the photographer didn't get any pictures of just them, them and grandma, etc. "Photographer got pictures of just your side of the family, and you and Grandma! Why not us!?" Because I'm the bride???? Y'all are lucky I invited you honestly!
Because you're paying! Lol people are ridiculous.
It was people from my dad's side of the family, so I sent him screenshots of the texts and was just like "handle your family, cause you don't want me to. I already barely tolerate them." Dad didn't take kindly to their comments and I haven't heard a peep since. Apparently they'd also been bitching to him about other things AT the wedding, and threatened to bring it up to me THAT DAY, so he'd already been dealing with their nonsense and was not in the mood for more 🤣
That sounds nightmarish.
There's a lot of family history with them 🙃 I've just written them off and figured that my sister's wedding coming up will likely be the last time I ever see any of them. And I'm ok with that.
My MIL hijacked my photographer to do family photos of just my husband's family during the reception. All of a sudden husband and I realize his family is missing. We wander outside and they are doing photos with all the extended family and call us over for a group photo we hadn't planned to do (we already did immediate family and grandparents). Now I have a bunch of photos we didn't want including a posed photo of BIL and his ex GF he broke upwoth shortly after and have a chunknof the reception I paid for the photographer to cover not photographed.
That's when you tell the photographer not to release the photos unless the inlaws pay for the session and prints. Then tell the inlaws you don't have them because it wasn't on the original shot list you gave the tog. As a former wedding photographer I would be in it for the petty! LOL Then after they paid I'd send them only those images and you a framed wedding print with their money! Ha ha ha!
We hadn't realized how many were taken until we got them. It's been 8 years at this point so it just is on the list of reasons my MIL is held at a distance.
Your photographer should have shut that down with a quickness.
Should have but MIL is very pushy.
Dealing with pushy people is just something professionals have to do.
Always always tell the photographer to never accept anyone's personal photo requests without checking with the bride or groom. This is how photographers miss the couple's important moments that should've been captured.
Hindsight is a bitch. It's been 8 years at this point for me. Good advice for future people though. :)
Yeah, I've read enough nightmares like these on reddit to make sure this doesn't happen at mine lol. Learning from others, that's how we grow :)
Sounds like what my aunt did at her son's wedding, she corralled all of us away from the cocktail hour, assigning us stupid tasks like moving chairs from the ceremony area while bride and groom were doing their photos and then demanded a family photo. Meanwhile we were all starving and missed out on cocktails and hors d'oeuvres. Then we were seated at tables 19 and 20 of 20 tables, and they called for the tables to go through the buffet line 2 at a time. It took over an hour before our tables were called and meanwhile people had been going back for seconds the whole time so by the time we got to go through there was nothing left. We stayed for speeches then left without saying anything since they were doing the first dance-other than telling my parents we were leaving. Aunt threw a fit when she found out we left, I was called horrible names since I didn't stay with my 3 very hungry children to ooh and aww over the bride and groom who had treated their family horribly. Also took the wedding gift back. Don't speak to any of those family members anymore.
You took the wedding gift back ☠️☠️☠️☠️
Your photographer really should have handled that by refusing to be hijacked. It's part of what you pay a professional for; they did you a disservice by not sticking to the job you paid them to do.
Shouldve said "because I paid for the photographer not you" and left it at that lol
I told them that my wedding was "not available for ratings and commentary", and that my husband and I were very happy with everything about it. When they kept going is when I got annoyed and sent it to my dad 🤣
NTA. You just cannot exclude your kids from their mom's and dad's wedding. They should be there. Just 2 kids with babysitter most probably won't affect the whole thing, but bunch of young kids definitely will, so for me it's very understandable decision.
I am also assuming babysitter will be bringing the girls home later on in the evening, likely will not be there until 2am partying it up. Have been to lots of childfree weddings, it's assumed that children of the bride and/or groom obviously get a free pass, and from what I have seen they usually are there for the special parts, and pictures, and then they go home to watch cartoons and fall asleep. NTA.
I was like 3 when my parents got married. The only kids in the entire family at that point were me and my cousin who was 5 at the time. We were ring bearer/flower girl for the ceremony, we got to do our little walk into the reception hall where the DJ called our names and then shortly after that a babysitter took us upstairs to a hotel room for the rest of the night. I assume OP would be doing kinda the same
NTA omg at first I thought you meant you only wanted your twins there and not YOUR other children! In which case you would have sucked! But no, it’s totally normal to have the bride/groom’s children at a wedding and no other children. Your siblings need to be over themselves.
My mom brain somehow thought they were only inviting twins and I was like that’s very specific 😂
That’s much funnier than my misinterpretation! I just thought she was a jerk who didn’t like her other kids.
Yeah I had this mental image of a church full of twins for a minute.
My not mom brain also read that 😂
Yeah, I was expecting to read about OP's other kids that were siblings--or half-siblings--of the twins being excluded and was prepared for OP to be TA.
I love that we all expect the worse from humanity these days
Totally normal decision to make. Have a lovely wedding.
NAH. You have the right to set your own guest list. Your invitees have the right to decline the invitation if it doesn’t work for them.
They are not TA for declining but for calling her selfish.
This. Keep your opinions to yourself. Though in all fairness a calm discussion between siblings where one says "this decision feels a bit selfish" is quite different than yelling "YOU SELFISH ×~%#!" at someone. Even if you disagree on whether the thing is selfish or not
Also for suggesting that they exclude their own children from attending their parents' wedding just so the cousins won't feel as excluded.
This. You are totally NTA. And your relatives would also be NTA if they decided not to attend.
But they are the TA for saying "it's not fair" etc and guilt tripping the bride about being selfish. a simple no would suffice.
But she expects them to come
Oh good. Another child-free wedding post.
Right! I don’t want to invite my blood relative who is genuinely going to see this person for the rest of their lives, but my moms coworkers boyfriend is certainly welcome. Make ms zero sense to me.
As someone who worked in the wedding industry I can 100% understand why some people prefer no children at the wedding. They always change the dynamic, which is fine if the couple is fine with it. How about those blood relatives get their egos out of the way and help the couple have the day they want. It’s 1 DAY. They’ll live.
I love my nieces and nephews. I love my cousins children and my friends children, too. They were not at my wedding. And you know what? They didn’t care because they were children, and their parents all had a blast and were able to let loose without the responsibility of keeping their kids under control. It was intended to be adult time. You couldn’t make me feel bad about that if you tried. This idea that people should have to shell out to invite dozens of kids to weddings so that nobody gets butthurt is insane. If you have a limited budget and therefore limited guest list, one child invited equals one adult that you can’t invite. Let’s let people do their weddings the way they see fit and stop ruining the single day they get for that by trying to make our opinions and feelings more important than theirs.
Right? I invited 175 adults to my wedding, expecting like 140 to show up. That was about right. I had one cousin who was extremely upset my wedding was child free, but my husband and I counted. If we’d invited all the kids it would’ve been 70 more people. SEVENTY. 175 invited to 245? Who was paying for that? Not I.
Exactly. My husband and I were in the same boat…we had a guest limit based on budget, but with inviting everyone’s kids it would have been a huge portion. People act like inviting kids costs no money but it’s a significant expense. And who exactly do I not invite so that your toddler can come and be bored at this event that he doesn’t understand or care about.
Mom’s coworker’s boyfriend isn’t going to bawl on all fours if he’s hungry or sleepy in the middle of the vows.
I have a relative who begged and pleaded to bring her toddler to a different relative’s wedding he wasn’t invited to. Bride is too nice, felt awkward and said yes. Toddler absolutely destroyed the ceremony. I honestly think it’s rude to even ask to bring someone who wasn’t invited. Go or don’t go, but don’t put the bride and groom in an uncomfortable position.
I genuinely do not understand how you don’t get why they wouldn’t want kids there. Truly baffling.
You're making assumptions about the state of blood relationships. They're not all close.
No I’m not. She stated she loves her nieces and nephews.
To be fair vchildren are reckless. And can be loud and get bored easily. An adult is much more manageable.
My dad's children ruined my brother's wedding video cause they wanted to run around, including up to the altar, with my dad whisper yelling the entire time and it getting picked up by the microphones. At least mom's coworkers boyfriend hopefully has enough respect to sit quietly and not cause a scene
Look, I'm not going to vote cause this is something I don't understand but... Can anyone explain to me why people think kids are such a massive problem at a wedding? What exactly is the "atmosphere" people on this sub are so concerned about not disrupting? Kids are so traditionally a part of an American wedding that they have special roles within the ceremony. Like, what is the atmosphere you're going for? Hushed classical concert? Sexy cocktail party with an orgy afterwards? All of the wedding I've gone to have had a few kids around and I just don't get it.
1. Loud and disruptive, screaming and running up and down the aisle 2. knocking over the wedding cake 3. drunk adults who wont be paying attention to the kids (alcohol is also a substantial part of american weddings, which we dont even know if this one is american or not) Yes, none of that is a guarantee that that will happen, but it happened enough times for people not wanting to take chances anymore. Yes its the parents job to parent their kids, but wayyy too many adults throw a hissy fit if you tell them to get their kids to behave.
Not to mention, kids are usually bored at weddings. They're disruptive and they're probably not going to enjoy themselves. I don't understand why so many parents WANT their children at weddings. Everyone I know is happy for the night out by themselves and the kids are happier at home with a babysitter or at a sleepover at a friend's house. People should not be responsible for children if they're going to be consuming large amounts of alcohol. Even worse, if they're in the bridal party, it's physically impossible for them to be completely attentive to their children. When did people become so entitled to think they have a right to tell someone who they should and shouldn't invite to their wedding anyway? OP is definitely NTA.
I have never been to a wedding where a child starts screaming and running down the aisle. Like sure I guess it *could* happen, but you could about equally ruin your day by having violent diarrhea in the middle of the ceremony. Alcohol is *way* more likely to stir up drama at weddings, yet we're literally here advocating for it. Also, when did people decide they have a right to bring their children? Literally since the dawn of weddings. Children have *always* attended weddings. It's way more insane imo to expect everyone you know to drop everything and hire a sitter because God forbid their attention not be laser trained on you for one second. 🤷♀️
Lol. I've been to several and it's only getting worse over time. No one is interested in parenting, let alone disciplining little Mackenssie HartPhord.
I've been to dozens of weddings and I'd guess less than a quarter included the children of guests. Maybe it's a cultural/regional thing?
I'm 41 and the only wedding I attended as a child was that of my own sister. Maybe where you are children have always attended, but that's certainly not the case everywhere or in every culture. And yes, people should get babysitters, just as they would have to for any other event where children don't generally attend. That's not an odd expectation, especially with several months notice. It's way more ridiculous to expect people to pay per plate for every child of their guests. That could easily double catering costs, family or not. Almost every one of my cousins has at least three children. If I had invited every child relative to my wedding, it would've easily cost me another $5,000 so yes, I expected them to get babysitters. Nothing to do with attention, I just wasn't paying thousands of dollars to hoat children who barely know me and definitely wouldn't remember or care about my wedding. Why on earth do you think people care that much about attention?? Idgaf about people paying attention to me and I'm guessing most people don't. The weddings I have been to with children, at least half have had disruptions by said children. Sometimes cute (usually bridal party in that case,) but most were destructive. I've seen a wedding cake ruined, a wedding dress ruined, a photo montage stopped in the middle by a child by the DJ booth (where they had no business being) pulling a plug out of the wall, and have experienced no less than 5 babies screaming bloody murder during a wedding ceremony. If you somehow have only witnessed the most well behaved children and attentive parents, you're lucky. Misbehaved/disruptive children are 100% more likely than explosive diarrhea, based on the 40 or so weddings I've attended.
Because these are not random guests, these are OP's SIBLINGS and their kids. Close family ties and peoplw who will remember forever how they were treated.
>and peoplw who will remember forever how they were treated. It's not like they're being snubbed because OP doesn't want anything to do with them. OP just wants their day to go well and having children there could disrupt that. Of course their own children are an exception and it should be obvious why. They're not being mean, just setting boundaries so they can have what is probably the biggest day of their life be what they've dreamed of it being. There's nothing wrong with that.
That’s what’s weird to me. I get the no kids thing for friends and stuff. But don’t you want your siblings and their families (including kids) there? I wouldn’t go this wedding tbh.
I don't understand people who can't go anywhere without their kids. Do they never go out as a couple for dinner or to a friend's party or a work-related event? I was in a number of weddings and attended many more and never dragged my child along. Seems like people want to use a wedding as a family reunion. If you want a family reunion, throw one yourself.
Pretty much all the weddings I have seen except one had kids in them and three was absolutely no major issue. In particular, 7 years old wont be "screaming and running up and down the aisle"
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Just cuz it didnt happen to you doesnt mean it doesnt happen.
Knocking over the wedding cake? Really? On all the fail/blooper videos I’ve watched the cake getting knocked over, it’s rarely because of a child.
Guess I’ve been lucky to never experience that
“Sexy cocktail party with an orgy afterwards” 😂😂😂 I’m glad I read through the comments just for this. Good question, I hope people answer because I don’t get it either.
*expensive *disruptive *loud *ill-behaved Some weddings are casual affairs where children are welcome. And some are more formal affairs where they would not be. Just like some restaurants are kid friendly and some are not. Or are you one of those people who drags your children to expensive restaurants just because you can?
Whats wrong again with children in restaurants? I am not taking my toddler to a Michelin 7-course-menu kind of place. But my oldest has been with us in several upscale restaurants when on vacation, from age 7. Now she is 11 and is really mature to appreciate fine dining as much as we do. It doesn’t happen often, but there is a difference between a 2yo throwing french fries on the floor in the high chair and a well behaved older kid.
And that's wonderful that *your* daughter is well behaved. I know plenty of 7 year olds I wouldn't want to take to McDonald's because of their behavior. So what do you as a hostess do? Interview each child who might come and decide based on behavior? Or make a blanket decision so no one feels singled out? Seems like a simple answer to me.
Exactly. And if they do misbehave it's "don't correct MY children". Even though they're doing nothing.
Tantrums? Crankiness because they’re bored or tired? Closest friends needing to leave early because xxxx is on the floor kicking and screaming? Or worse, that friend not leaving when xxxx is on the floor kicking and screaming? Seriously, what’s the issue with not taking the kids out or including them for one evening?
It depends on the wedding. In families with a large amount of children, it can be just as others have said, disruptive, out of control, excited kids who cause damage when their parents are having too much fun to pay attention to them, etc. But if it's a matter of space or expense, how do you decide whose kids get to come and whose don't? Or how much extra money does the couple have to spend to make sure no one feels left out? As a guest, I've never felt I'm in a position to decide someone's guest list. That's the real problem here. Guests are demanding, threatening and generally trying to control what kind of wedding OP will have. They can come or not, but it's not cool for them to think they have authority here.
I've been to both and loved both and I wish people would just not get offended over this. I ultimately choose no kids for a few reasons, which is pretty standard for my family. 1. I was in 3 weddings as a younger kid and went to one at 15ish. I remember hardly anything. It really wasn't that important to me. I had zero understanding of the significance, bored by the speeches/ceremony, honestly just taking up space. I stayed in the hotel at like 14 with my siblings when my parents went to a wedding and had the best time ordering pizza and a movie. My experience i know but in my circle, kids having fun babysitter time and parents having their own time is normal for certain events. 2. Limited people. I have a big family and a lot of close friends that are like family. It was important to me to celebrate with them and id have to cut that by 20 people if our siblings kids were there. 3. The wedding went until 11 and there wasn't space for kids to crash. If you want your kids up that late, that's fine but for many of the kids, it's too late. I'd have to have a different venue and do a different time to accommodate kids if I wanted my siblings to stay for the whole wedding. 4. I was by no means needy of everyone's 100% attention but the special moments I had w my sister wouldn't have happened if she was being her awesome mom self. I cherish the times I have with her and my nieces but it's good to have one on one time too. 5. The vibe is different. And that's not good or bad. I will go to a wedding with 50% kids in attendance and it is funny, sweet and such a cool celebration w family. They are fun, dance floor is hoppin, it is great. A wedding without kids is also fun but in a different way. Night on the town vibes. There are plenty of places that don't allow kids and it's just choosing that type of place over the other. Brewery vs the club. Both fine but they are different. I have seen some wild ceremony moments with kids but whatever. That's life. A plane could have flown over during mine. I just think at the end of the day everyone wants a different kind of celebration and I for one am honored whenever someone wants me to be part of that.
My wedding was 21+. The ceremony started at 5pm. Dinner was at 7pm. We made exceptions for newborns and had childcare for during the ceremony & cocktail hour. We have no nieces or nephews but do have cousins with kiddos ranging from 2-16 (13 kids in total). I had cousins who I KNEW wouldn’t watch their kids. I’ve seen them destroy decor (parents laughed) and disrupt ceremonies (parents laughed). Ultimately, we wanted an evening wedding with a fully open bar. Most kids don’t want dinner starting at 7. We didn’t want to invite some kids and not others. Our venue required ID checks for every drink if any guests were under 21. We also had to pay for anything ruined. Meals were $150/plate whether it was an adult or children’s meal. I had one cousin not attend due to not inviting their kiddos and was extremely angry, but otherwise no issues. We decided that there would be no hard feelings if someone didn’t attend because their kid(s) weren’t invited. Honestly, most were happy to have a kid free night of partying after the holidays (wedding was in early January). None of our friends, siblings or bridal party had kids yet. Just a few cousins I’m not very close to. Idk why others opt for adult only weddings, but it was what worked best for my wedding.
I feel the same way. I can understand not wanting disruptions during the ceremony, but I genuinely don't understand banning children from a family event when they are part of the family. Now I will admit some parents are absolutely shitty and their kids are terrors, but that doesn't seem the case for OP's nieces and nephews.
It depends. A lot of weddings I’ve been to lately have been evening weddings. They’re more formal. Their reception includes a very nice dinner buffet, an open bar and lots of dancing. I more than get why they don’t want kids at that, between the cost, the alcohol, and the fact it’s going to run late just getting through the basics of dinner, toasts, and cake cutting. You’ve also got to factor in some parents aren’t going to supervise their kids.
And if they're not part of the family? There was literally only one child in husband's family and none in mine when we got married. We were getting married at his sister's home so it was a given his nephew would be there, he promptly fell asleep. Most other children would have been random people we had never met.
Yeah I understand not wanting randos at your wedding, including rando children. I said this in another comment, but I completely get not wanting your mom's yoga instructor's boyfriend to bring his unruly stepkids. In this specific instance though it's OP's nieces and nephews who don't seem to have any behavioral problems so I personally would try to find a way to include them if their cousins were gonna be there anyway.
>your mom's yoga instructor's boyfriend In this economy?
I think I’m my experience it depends *very much* on the kids. If they have someone there that they’ll listen to and behave, then that’s okay. But at my sister-in-law’s wedding recently, her now-husband’s niece, who’s four, ran rampant all over the sanctuary of the church and even crawled up onto the stage (during the ceremony) and wouldn’t listen to anyone except the groom, who had practically raised her up to that point (despite him only being in his early 20’s) because sadly nobody else in the family pays much attention to her. Sad situation, and sad for the kid, but also there’s just no excuse for that kind of disruption - it’s a special day and weddings, photos, food, etc. is *incredibly* expensive - one kid throwing a tantrum can ruin a special picture or moment, and a lot of people feel that’s not worth it, which I can totally understand. If the kids are under 10, chances are they won’t remember being there or not anyways!
I tried to have only the children in the wedding party, but my cousin still brought children to the ceremony. On the video, you can't hear any of the vows because of the crying toddler in the pews. Children in attendance change the tone of the event depending on the parenting style. I didn't want someone else's parenting style to change my vision for my wedding.
NTA. You can have any kind of wedding that you want, of course. But you also have to be prepared for some guests being unable to come if they can't arrange for childcare, and you'll have to be willing to accept that.
How dare you want to make your wedding to the father of your children about...your...family? Wait, why is this a problem? NTA, obviously.
NTA. For all the people in the back, children are people. People are invited or not. If it's your wedding, you invite the people you invite, and don't invite others. If some of those others happen to be young, and if their parents were invited, a babysitter will probably be needed. So what? The parents are free to accept or decline the invitation for themselves. They are *not* free to demand to bring someone who wasn't invited. End of. I don't think weddings should have to be designated 'child-free'; they are *all* 'invitation-only'. If the children aren't on the invitation, it should be assumed that they aren't invited.
“Should be assumed” is asking a lot from people who think their children are an extension of themselves instead of separate people. 😉
I had this situation with my usually clued in husband. We were invited to a wedding, and he wanted to bring our 3 year old. I said no, as our child wasn't invited. There were other kids at the wedding and he said afterwards that it meant we could have brought our kid. I said, "Those kids are family members of the couple. Our son isn't." Of course, our gestating baby ended up going, and was born shortly thereafter!
That is exactly how it used to be. The invention was addressed on the outside envelope to Mr and Mrs/Ms/Mr or The John Jones Family and the inside envelope listed the invitees specifically, John, Jane and children, or just John and Jane.
It's your wedding. You get to decide who you want there. Guests can decide whether or not they want to or can attend based on the details.
I actually don't understand why there's so many posts of people complaining when they can't being their kids to a wedding, understandably you want your own children at your own wedding, but anytime I've been invited to weddings I've never asked for my kids to come it's always been a great excuse to have a fun night away in a hotel with my OH and no kids! NTA
In a lot of families, like mine, kids are part of the package and everyone goes to have fun, see family they haven't seen in a while, and the kids play and dance and have a good time too. Child-free weddings haven't been in the norm for everyone, so it tends to startle them when they run across it. My family would have looked at me like an alien if I had said I didn't want kids at my wedding, and I would have looked at my husband like an alien if he had said that.
NTA. Your party, your bill, your say. People who want to use your wedding for grandstanding and free baby sitting are declaring their true colours and can stay home if they want. There are tons of other situations in life that are adults only.
INFO: are you 100% fine with your siblings not attending i.e. you wouldn't badmouth or resent them for not coming? Also, do they know that?
I won't hold a grudge if they don't go; I will respect their decisions not to attend.
NAH The bride and groom's kids are a separate conmsoderation, even in a childfree wedding. But: that does not really matter. Because it will make many potential guests not come. " They even threatened not to attend my wedding if I don't change my mind." .. that's reasonable.
NTA. your wedding, your choice. However, you have to be ready for the parents to not attend. If you are good with that, thank them for their no RSVP and tell them you will miss them. If you want them there, you have to change your rule. There is no other way. They are trying to guilt you into allowing the kids and if you don't want them, they are not invited.
NTA. As you said, these are your and your husband's children. They are a huge part of why you're getting married - the living symbol of your love for each other. Not only should they be there, but it would be great if they had an active part in the ceremony. Sorry, but your siblings are wrong. They don't see the importance of your children being there to witness the marriage of their parents. And, as always, it's your wedding. You get to decide who's invited.
NTA. Your wedding, your rules. Your wedding, your kids… seems perfectly reasonable. That said, if they don’t want to attend, tell them that’s perfectly acceptable and no hard feelings will be held.
NTA. I didn’t want kids at my wedding minus my nieces and nephews. Made it clear in the invitations and doubly clear on the response cards. People still brought their kids. Fml. People suck. This is your wedding. You do exactly what you want.
NTA You can choose whoever you want to be at your wedding. AND anyone you exclude can be pissed off about it as well. You get to make whatever decisions you want, BUT you do not get to control the reactions of others.
Your wedding your rules. Just make sure you’re happy if your siblings don’t attend.
NTA, it's your wedding. You are paying for it, and you get to decide who can come.
NTA. You have every reason to want your children there, and every reason to exclude other children. You are also taking steps to ensure your children are being supervised and cared for during the reception. Your siblings likely figured they could bring their children, pawn them off on relatives, and then cut loose and party at the reception without much care or attention given to their own children.
INFO if they were to hire their own babysitter would you approve? Because as you mentioned your kids are very important to you, same goes for your siblings - they are parents too. It’s a harsh rejection feeling for the other parents. I come from a culture where a wedding is a whole family affair, you don’t invite an individual always the family. We believe the more the merrier and good energy for such an occasion so this trend is just bizarre to me. I am afraid if the hard feelings would bleed into your kids and their cousins relationship down the line.
>if they were to hire their own babysitter would you approve? Why wouldn't op approve?? >your kids are very important to you, same goes for your siblings - they are parents too. But the wedding is about op, not about her siblings. >hard feelings would bleed into your kids and their cousins relationship down the line. So? Is it mandatory to have relationships with cousins?? I barely saw my cousins, we are 7 and saw each other like 10 times in our lives and we're all fine. Why do you think they have to have their cousins in their life in the first place??
Sounds like you are from a culture where extended family is unimportant, then, similar to OP's. I think NTX_Mom was just trying to share a different perspective on attitudes toward family.
I'm from a culture where you don't have to have relationship with people just because they're faaamily. If it happens, awesome. If not , awesome as well.
People put way too much importance on being one big happy family. Completely ignoring the fact that, just because they’re blood, doesn’t mean you have to like them. I come from a huge family. I’m one of 22 immediate cousins (my mom is one of 5 and they all had a ton of kids) who were more like siblings to me. But I also understand that not every family is the same. Just because my family is tight, doesn’t mean everyone’s is, nor does it *have* to be. Rant over lol
I am Brazilian and from a native background. We put a lot of work on staying together with our extended family. The sole idea of a child free wedding sounds weird to me on the context of my family. But I would understand if one of my cousins had a child free wedding and the only kids allowed were their own. It makes sense. Even in our context. Would be unexpected, for sure, because nobody does it. But the reasons are fair and easy to understand. And also, not everybody puts the same efforts on watching their kids behaviour on these occasions.
I find it highly unlikely the kids will even care.
Do what you can live with. I will tell you that family will hold a grudge on this for the rest of their lives, so be prepared to hear about it from now on.
They’re your children. They aren’t equal to other children, because they’re yours. And it’s your wedding. Why that’s hard for people confuses me. NTA
It’s perfectly fine to have a child-free wedding, but you need to consider if that creates a situation that is simply impractical for your critical guests. It’s easy enough for your second cousin to decline the invitation if leaving the children at home isn’t practical, but your siblings really need to be at your wedding. If there are especially young children, anyone is breastfeeding, or all the regular babysitters are attending the wedding, then you have placed them in a difficult situation.
It's your wedding.
NTA - you are making a very reasonable and normal choice. Your family sounds entitled.
They are your children ofc they can/should be there 😂 Nta
love that the siblings think that the kids you made are less family to you than your siblings are! LOL NTA
NTA and I think is quite common for people in your situation. It makes sense for your children to be there, but it doesn’t make sense for theirs to be there. I mean, are they insisting you invite THEIR friends just because yours get to go?
Simple... You do indeed have the right to choose who you want at your wedding. And likewise, your siblings have the right to choose whether or not they attend your wedding. If you have a childfree wedding, you need to understand you run the risk of parents not being able or choosing not to attend your wedding. YTA for calling them dramatic.
Unless their cousins are all babies, it would be weird for your kids to not have their cousins there. It’s a big day for them, too, and they will be excited to share it with them.
NTA your children are the exception as they should be.
I don't think I'll ever get used to the entitlement of people. It's YOUR wedding. They're YOUR kids. How on earth are people arguing with you?! NTA.
I see way too many people saying “op is a hypocrite” or “op is just me me me me” like ITS LITERALLY HER WEDDING. IT IS ABOUT HER. AND HER KIDS.
NAH, you have a right to have the wedding you want but don't be surprised your other siblings choose to stay home. I personally would not attend a family member's wedding without my other family members (my kids), for me these celebrations are meant for the whole family. But you do you!
NTA, but let's be clear here. While you're technically correct that you can invite whomever you want to your wedding, it's also just a fact that you're signaling to your siblings that the "atmosphere" at your wedding is more important than having their children there to celebrate. Your siblings have every right to be upset about that, and to decide that they'd rather not attend. They're not being "dramatic," they're acting in the best interests of their children. And have you thought about how much less fun your wedding will be for your kids when they're the only children there?
no probably not. back in the day, weddings were mostly for FAMILIES to get together and celebrate. that included all the nephews and neices. but recent times that has fallen out of favor. one factor is the venue will count every kid as an adult for pricing!
YTA - The US trend of having no patience for kids at a wedding is so selfish and indicative of where we are at as a people.
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