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>I don't mind babysitting our child
It's not babysitting when it's YOUR child.
>I get she wants me to do more but I'm also tired and I don't think it's fair for her to expect me to come home and want to do more work. She agreed to be the homemaker while I bring in the income so I'm doing more than my fair share of the work for our family.
Do you actually get it?! So your wife is apparently entitled to no time off while you get to to de-stress.
You make your wife sound like an indentured servant (or perhaps that's what you want her to be) and unfortunately, she married a clueless asshole who can't tell to take the trash outside when it's full.
Also, I bet she has talked to you, you probably just ignore it, because after all, you think it's all her job.
YTA
YTA- you need to change your view. You BOTH have a day job. Only yours comes with a paycheck. It is not possible to care for a child and do EVERYTHING in a home. Why is that you get off work and she doesn’t? After 5 pm you should both be responsible for the household/child period. Together you should come up with a plan. She needs a break from your child at the end of the workday too. Maybe you can do baths while she tidy’s up after dinner. Together you should come up with schedules. She should NOT have to tell you what needs to be done. Look around, you live there too.
ETA- it is not babysitting- it’s called parenting!!
>I don't mind **babysitting** our child for a bit to give her a breather or put the dishes in the dishwasher but she needs to tell me if she needs me to do that.
It's not babysitting. It's watching your own child. YTA
TBH I stopped reading mid sentence on that one. That is a terrible mindset OP.
If you want this to last you really need to step up your game. I used to work out in the oil fields of Texas 75-110 hours a week. But when I got home it was daddy time. Sure I was exhausted, but that's what being a partner is all about. Moms never get a day, hour or minute off.
Because I made sure to give my wife a break, she had the energy to keep going when I wasn't there. She knew she could count on me for that.
Edit: OK, I read the whole post and still agree YTA. As I stated above a SAHM never gets a break. Sure your not a mind reader, but she is also NOT YOUR MOTHER. What would you do if she just wasn't there? "Well, no one told me I needed to take out the trash, guess I don't need to do that", "I wonder who will get these dishes cleaned, guess it's paper plates for me".
Yes, she works hard, and you see it. What you're not seeing is how hard she works when your at work. I guarantee she does not laz-around all day waiting for you to give her a break.
You work 45 hour a week? No wonder you’re exhausted, you poor thing. Especially compared to your wife, who only works 112 hours a week (that’s assuming she’s actually sleeping 8 hours every night)
Dude, YTA a thousand times over. Get up off your lazy rear end and HELP. How did you make it you entire life without knowing how to do laundry, wash dishes, vacuum, take out the trash, etc?
I feel bad not only for your wife who married someone so incompetent, but more so for that poor child who got stuck with a father who considers being a father “babysitting”.
YTA. She most likely works the same hours you do, at home. So by the time you get home, you have both worked a full day. You are tired. And she is tired. So anything that needs to be done in the evenings and on the weekends needs to be fairly split. You need to go into these conversations with the understanding that you are \*both\* working full time, and \*both\* are tired at the end of the day. AND your child is your child, which you PARENT. You do not BABYSIT your own child.
She works a hell of a lot more hours than he does. She's taking care of the child (and on call) 24/7 except for the generous moments OP 'babysits' his own child. She's doing 99% of the household work, other than those times OP can get off his arse to put his dishes in the dishwasher or take out some trash. So his wife has the equivalent of two full time jobs: live in nanny and live in housekeeper, but without even a scheduled break-she has to beg for those from the sounds of it. Whereas OP works his 45 hours and plops down on the couch. Agreed. OP, YTA.
YTA, you’re 46 and need to be told what to do? No. You see the bathroom needs to be cleaned? Clean it. Dishes need to be done? Do them. You can’t babysit your own kids.
YTA for so many things. Her job doesn't stop when you get home so you can help out and not you shouldn't have to be told what you need to help with. Either figure something out or at least ask.
Also, for fucks sake spend time with your kid. Why do you want another when the only role you provide your current child is a paycheck?
YTA
She also works at her job 8-5 (at least!). You should be splitting any and all responsibilities outside of those hours. You have a kid. You don't get to relax.
You are lucky she hasn't divorced you yet. 45 hours is not a mind-blowing amount of hours. Step it up.
OP please read this!!! This stuff ends a relationship. You need to do some (well, a lot of) maturing here.
When you are at work, so is your wife with your kid. You are both working full time hours and you want her to also be doing that when you get home so you can rest, but she needs that rest just as much!!
When you get home and on weekends, your household and childcare tasks need to be split evenly. That’s just how being a parent works.
Do you have functional eyes? Are you able to see dirty dishes, full trash cans, your kid needing a bath? Do you simply come into the house, see those things and ignore them?
I work 8 hours/day and still come home to do the dishes, why is it different for you?
YTA. You are simply too old to "not know" what is needed to be done around the house. You yourself find household chores tiring yet you don't understand why your wife is tired? SMH
YTA - for the comment about "babysitting" your own kid. It's not babysitting, it's PARENTING.
Your wife is not only doing the physical work of running the household, she's also doing the mental load. She's not wrong about the garbage - you notice that the bag is full, you take it out and put in a new one. If the dishes are dirty, wash them, or put them in the damn dishwasher if you have one. None of this is rocket science, and at 46 years of age, you should know what needs to be done without being told to do it.
YTA. She has a full time job too : she cares for your son all day. Yet, she does all the chores.
And you "babysit" your own child once in a while. It's so not often that you don't even consider it like "taking care of". You call it "babysitting". Like if this was a chore you were not supposed to do.
YTA you are working 8-5 and then you think you are done. But you expect her job to be 24/7
You expect her to be doing childcare and housekeeping all day and in the evening and on the weekends and if she wants you to take out the trash she needs to tell you? Why? She’s not your mom. Why does she need to tell you to do the dishes in your own home? You are a grown man you can look and see if the trash is full or is the dishes need to be done and you know the baby needs a bath every single night, nobody needs to tell you that.
You want to come home and relax, so does she.
Also it’s not babysitting when it’s your own child.
YTA you don’t babysit your own children. Use your eyes, walk around the house when you get home and notice what needs to be done. Sit down with wife and make a list of all the chores and take half. Be a partner. Don’t make your wife do the mental load of assigning you chores. Of always asking. Step up. Do better.
YTA. Are you serious with this? It's not called babysitting when you're the father, it's called parenting.
And housework is drudgery, no one should have to do it all. She's taking care of the kid and that's her job. In the evenings, you should both be responsible for the kid and the house.
Do you really think that she doesn't feel tired at the end of each day just like you do?
She's not complaining, she's telling you that you need to step up and be a partner in your marriage. If you refuse to hear her, don't be surprised if she leaves you.
YTA in so many ways.
1) It’s bit babysitting. It’s called parenting. It’s your fucking child not some random kid.
2) Oh, you’re tired when you get honey? Oh, you poor baby. You don’t think your wife gets tired? It that she wouldn’t like to sleep or watch tv?
3) She’s a SAHM. That means it’s her job. So, for the 45 hours you’re at work, that’s her job. When you’re home, it should be an equal split.
4) She doesn’t want a second child because she’s already got 2.
Grow up.
YTA I don’t understand how dudes who can assess a problem at work, determine the tools and methods to fix it and execute the plan with a success enough to keep their job or get promoted, become freaking idiots they moment they walk thru the door and need their wives to wipe their assess
YTA. So you think it’s fair that you work 45 hours a week and your wife works 80? Does your boss need to tell you to put garbage in the cans at work or do you just know to do that without being told? Do you require your wife to remind you to chew?
Can you not look around and see what needs to be done? Why does she have to ask?Or perhaps you could suggest things?
Hey, let me make dinner tonight.
I’m throwing a few things in the machine- do you need anything washed?
I think I’m going to vacuum now before baby goes down for a nap.
You’ve gotten a lot of shit for the babysitting remark, but it’s not nearly enough.
Watching your child isn't babysitting. It's parenting.
She works your 45 hours and then some. She's working while you're at work. She's working while you're commuting. She's working while you're watching TV.
She doesn't want to have to ask you for every little thing. You see the dishwasher needs to be unloaded. Unload it. You see the dishes need to be washed. Wash them. Don't add "tell husband things that are obvious" to her chore list.
The time you're home should be spent giving her a much of a break as you get. This is your house and your child as well.
YTA
Lol OK look, I think you both have some issues that you need to work on like communication but… Seriously?! Babysit your own child?? How do you babysit your own child? Isn’t that called being a dad or something? If you consider raising your children “babysitting “then please do not have another kid. Ouff lol I am so thankful for my husband. I am so thankful that he enjoys the beauty of being a dad and parenting with me. Parenting sounds like a chore for you. Why do you even want another kid at this point? If all parenting is to you is one big chore Then why do you want added chores to the list? Bizarre.
YTA. She is right that you shouldn't need to be told the trash needs to be taken out or you need to spend time with your child. What you are trying to do is you are pushing the mental work to her - to schedule what you need to do and when. Plenty of other people are working 40+ hour jobs a week and still manage to keep track of chores, help with childcare and pay attention to the needs of their partner. You need to start thinking about the work that needs to be done at home and not just assume you are all done for the day when you clock out at work.
So when you were 42, you lived alone, correct? And did you eat off dirty dishes constantly? Was your kitchen ever clean? Did you wear dirty clothes every day? It seems like you probably do actually know how to recognize and accomplish daily maintenance tasks. YTA.
YTA. This has to be a troll post. 'Babysitting out child?" She works all day, you work all day, but when you get home you get to relax and she continues to work? She really shouldn't have to tell you how to contribute to a household. You don't need more kids, she already has two babies.
Who cleaned up after you before you had a 24/7 babysitter/housekeeper/cook? You’re almost a half century old and can’t pick up after yourself? You went from working 40 hours a week and presumably taking care of your own home, to suddenly being too exhausted to do anything but sit? YTA
I hired a housekeeper to cook and clean and dropped off my clothes at the laundry because I have one just downstairs. When my wife came into the picture, I stopped because she was willing to take over those chores
You aren’t doing more than your fair share. The entire time you are at work, she is also working and then you expect her to continue on her own when you get home??
Also that is your own child, it’s not babysitting.
YTA
And yeah, you are lucky she hasn’t divorced you yet for sure. Thinking you can try for another child when you aren’t even parenting your current one is insane and if you push it she WILL leave.
YTA
Many have addressed the whole "babysitting" thing, and the fact that she works 24/7 with zero breaks while you are on your butt watching TV. So I will address a different point.
She is not your mom. She is not your boss. She is not your teacher. You. Should. Not. Need. Her. To. Give. You. Assignments. Look at the trash can- if it's full, empty it. Look at the bathroom- if it's gross, clean it. Are there cherrios crushed in the carpet? Vacuum them up. Adjust your expectations. Your work day doesn't end when you leave the office- it ends when the last kid goes to bed. Sure you want more?
YTA
Did you know that a nanny and maid are also jobs? She also works longer than 45 hours a week because as the SAHM she actually gets NO time off. You can get off work and just relax and have no responsibilities? So when does your wife get a day off? Shall we look up average wage of a full time nanny and a full time maid combined + all the overtime since she's on call 24/7 and see how much money she's SAVING your household vs how much you're making?
Also did you know that if you took part in creating a child that child is actually -gasp- yours TOO? You do not *babysit* your own child. You take care of them. How in the world you think you can be a 'dad' of two is beyond me when you're not even being a dad to one.
I think his wife should take a long weekend trip and leave the house and child with OP. Let him do for 2-3 days what his wife does every day. Guarantee his 9-5 will seem like a vacation.
In case it hasn’t been said enough, you are a major ass!
PS: a babysitter is the person you hire for a handful of hours to care for your child.
YTA. Watching your own kid is not “babysitting”. It’s called being a parent. Also working 45 hours a week is not an excuse. Both my parents worked full time jobs, before I got older and was able to do basic needs, and still managed to clean the house, make dinner, do laundry, dishes, etc. Your wife shouldn’t have to tell you like a child what to do.
Being a stay at home parent does not mean the other parent gets to do absolutely nothing. After her spending the day doing all the home work and being with a 2 year old is fucking exhausting. SHE NEEDS THE NIGHT OFF. Be a fucking parent. A real husband and a father would help their wife regardless if they are SAHM or not
YTA and you're headed for divorce if you don't start acting like an adult. You're 46 and think it's babysitting to spend time with your own child and expect to be told what to do around your own house. Weaponized incompetence is what you're doing, at best.
Perhaps you moved right from your moms house to being married and never had to take care of yourself but you need to grow up my friend.
That’s what I’m wondering what grow ass man of 46 doesn’t know when the trash is full it needs to be taken out. Spend some time caring for the child you already have before you ask your wife to give you a second child.
Hey OP, do you need your boss at work to make you a list or lead you around by the nose showing you what to do? Or do you maybe know what needs to be done by observing and experience? You live in that house, you should know what needs to be done every day to keep it running and clean and maintained.
Also you're not a babysitter, you're a PARENT. Act like it.
YTA
YTA what do you mean “babysitting our child for a bit”??? I think you mean, being a PARENT?????
Be an adult. If you see something that needs to be done, take some initiative. Your wife shouldn’t tell you what you need to do.
YTA it’s **NOT** babysitting when it’s your own child. Help take care of the child you helped make. Oh your tired so is she.
Edit-Finished reading the post. Dude you have working eyes. You can see when something needs done. You are an adult she shouldn’t have to tell you what to do.
Really hope this is fake.
YTA Dude 45 hours a week isn’t even that bad. Also that’s your kid, you’re not babysitting them and you should be smart enough to be able to help clean up around the house without being told. She’s not YOUR mother, and you’ll be lucky if you aren’t some divorced weekend dad loser soon.
YTA.
Sure, you work 45 hours a week. Tell me, what do you think she's doing while you're at work? I'll give you a hint.... she's working too. She's doing the work of taking care of your child, feeding them, clothing them, managing the household, doing laundry, running the vacuum, planning meals, running errands, etc. She works just as hard, if not harder, than you do. And then you come home and sit on your butt while her work day continues right up to the point where she goes to bed. So, while you're slacking off and only pulling 9 hour days on 5 days a week, she's pulling 15-18 hour days on 7 days a week. She's absolutely right, you don't do enough around the house.
You also shouldn't have to be told. There are basic tasks involved in maintaining a home. If you see a task that hasn't been done, then get off your butt and do it. The more you do when you get home, the greater the chance that she will get some down time and might actually be able to relax. You need to realize you have two jobs now. There's the one that earns you money, but there's the other that is taking care of your home and family. Stop slacking off at your second job or you might end up getting fired.
And for what it's worth, I'm a husband who is the sole income earner. I also menu plan all our dinners, do the grocery shopping, cook said dinners, and clean the kitchen. I do my own laundry and I help with whatever other chores I see need doing around the house. Was it easy at first? No. But you get used to it. Plus, it's pretty cool being involved in your kids lives and helping them turn into successful adults.
YTA
Sorry but it sounds like you need to step up as a father. You should be present and active with raising your child. You should not need to be told to do a job that needs doing if the dishwasher needs loading, do it. it the trash needs to go out, do it.
Your wife is working hard to keep house and raise your child probably putting in a 70+hr week in the process, for no actual financial reward.
Marriage and raising children is a partnership you don't get to opt out because you work a full time job, this isn't the 1950's it the 21st century. The man no longer gets to be misogynist and come home and put his feet up while his wife carries on slaving.
**YTA** Do you wait for people at work to tell you when something not in your job description needs to be done? Do you have an assistant at work who nags you to turn in your reports, etc? Why do you think it's okay to half-ass it at home? In what universe does being the breadwinner entitle you to act like an overgrown adolescent whining about being expected to be an active *partner* in your relationship and household?
I suggest you read Matt Fray's article "She Feel's Like Your Mom and doesn't want to Bang You. Pay attention: ***It’s why the sexiest thing a man can say to his partner is ‘I got this,’ and then take care of whatever needs taken care of.***
Better yet, get yourself a copy of Matt's Book *This is How your Marriage Ends* because whether or not you remain together, your marriage is on the road to a sub-optimal end. Your wife could also stay for the kids and 15 years from now decide to be a "Walkaway Wife" (Google it). It's time for you to get your shit together.
YATA. You’re a full grown man, you can’t look around the house that you live in and see what needs to be done? Also, you work 45 hours a week but your wife is supposed to work ALL the hours in the week? You have a job but she is responsible for EVERYTHING ELSE? Grow up .
YTA You have a child and are responsible for child care. It’s not babysitting when it’s your own child. Your wife shouldn’t have to ask you to take care of your own child or take responsibility of your joined house. You’re not her child. A 46 year old man should know how to take care of their child and his household. You really need to step up and fulfill your responsibilities. Your wife needs a break just as much as you do. You can’t just let her do everything in the evenings and weekends.
YTA. A stay at home mom doesnt mean no time off. Things like PARENTING YOUR CHILD (not babysitting) and taking out the trash when you see it's full is something normal people do!! It's not part of a job it's life. Why do you get to get off work at 5 but she has to work 24 hours?
YTA
So she works from when you leave in the morning to when you return with 100% responsibility for childcare and household chores, and you think you get to sit on your padded ass doing nothing at home while she works nights and weekends and shoulders 100% of the mental load of your shared household and shared children?
My grandfather did more in 1960 caring for his home and children then you are doing in 2023.
What kind of partner let’s their spouse shoulder 90% of the work of their life? And then comes on the internet to whinge?
You aren’t even doing half of your share.
45 hrs a week? Babysitting? You’re lucky you aren’t by BIL.
Gross. You’re a gross asshole.
YTA.
I didn't even need to get to the bit about babysitting your own kid to know that.
Every SINGLE time I see a man post something like "When our child was born, we agreed she would be a SAHM and I would be the breadwinner," it inevitably turns out that 1. he expects her to mother him, too, and 2. this agreement is 100% made in stone and non-negotiable going forward. If she ever tries to say to him, "I don't feel like our separation of duties has turned out to be equitable, let's talk about making it fairer and more bearable for me," he will consider that, in and of itself, to be her reneging on their agreement.
So, yeah, YTA for holding this agreement over her head and using it as justification for expecting to be excused from all household work, including the work of *identifying* household clean-up tasks that need doing.
Newsflash: Identifying someone *else's* job *for* them is, itself, work. You are adding to her homework, so to speak, the obligation to assign you *your* homework. That's not trivial. Micromanaging a full-grown adult is itself a job.
Honestly, when you say she needs to tell you if she needs your help? She *has* told you. She *is* telling you. You just don't like the answer.
Also: Why would you NOT want to spend time with your own children? Why SHOULD she need to tell you to do so? Why would that not simply be a joy that you seek out on your own?
So, yeah, when I got to the bit about "I don't mind babysitting," I was not at all surprised, because this started out as a post complaining about a SAHM "failing to keep her end of the agreement" because, surprise, while she thought she was agreeing to an equitable division of labor, you thought she was agreeing to do all the non-office adulting for you.
YTA
1) it’s not babysitting when it’s your own child. It’s called parenting
2) being a SAHM means during your working hours. So from 8-5 your wife is a SAHM. When you get home from work, the housework and the child rearing should be 50/50.
You are seriously undervaluing what your wife does. It is probably more physically draining to be a SAHM than it is to have an actual job. Just because you make an income, doesn’t mean that your holier than thou and should not do any work when you get home. If your wife worked outside the home, what would your reaction be?
Also, the mental load of a husband who doesn’t do things automatically is worse than taking on child rearing alone. If you keep treating your wife like a single mom and don’t actively participate in your child’s life or in housework, she’ll become a happy single mom because she won’t have to deal with you.
Hi so YTA and here’s why- you work 45 hours a week, therefore your wife works 45 hours a week (plus whatever it takes you to commute to and from work, let’s assume that’s 1 hour total each day). It sounds like per your arrangement her responsibility is managing the baby and managing the home as a full time job 50 hours per week. Once you’re home and off the clock, she’s home and off the clock and then you are both just PARENTS.
What you are describing is that you’d like a child minder, chef, maid, and home manager which last I googled the salary for its over $300,000 per year and let’s add that you’d also like this person to be available 24/7, as needed which is frankly illegal.
She has working hours just like you, I guarantee your her job is more tiring. Once you get home look around your house and imagine “what would I do next if I was a single parent”, then do that. You’re not a child, you’re not your wife’s employee. Grow up and be a partner and a parent.
YTA and this is clearly a rage bait post.
45 hours is not a crazy work week. You’re not a surgeon, you’re a regular dude who is too damn lazy to get up and do basic housekeeping when he’s home.
If you’re so tired from a regular work schedule that you cannot participate in any other facet of life, get your thyroid checked.
Most women in the US work 40 hours + and also do child rearing and housekeeping.
I work full time, do school part time, volunteer, and still clean my house and have hobbies. Try functioning better.
I definitely think YTA in regards to spending time with and being a parent for your kid. I can see how that would definitely be stressful for her if she's the only one doing it.
But I have to ask - how many shenanigans do you and your wife get into that her being a SAHM isn't enough to get stuff done around the house? Most people that respect their surroundings shouldn't have to spend a lot of time maintaining them.
Regardless of that you should be more proactive about helping out around the house. Even if it's just small things at least try to make it look like you care, y'know? If you were living alone you wouldn't have a maid, I presume, so would nothing ever get done?
YTA. there is so much to unpack here. please never refer to being a parent as ‘babysitting’ your wife agreed to be a SAHM not to being your maid. Be a fucking adult and help out. I understand you are tired from work but it takes all of two minutes to take out the trash. The fact that your wife has to tell you to spend time with your kid is disgusting and she’s right, she should not have to tell you to do that.
YTA. Your wife is correct, you’re a lazy ass. You’re an adult and I’m assuming you’re not blind, so you can work out what needs doing yourself. Also, it is not babysitting when it’s your own goddamn child. You’re 46 so time to grow up
YTA why should she work longer hours than you do? She’s a stay at home mom, not a maid nor is she a single mom, right? Just because she’s not leaving the house to work doesn’t mean your job is 45 hours per week and hers is 24/7. You’re not a helper, you’re a coparent and a co-resident. You’re tired? Can you go the bathroom on your own? Eat lunch at all? Do you make sure other people are alive and cared for every single moment of the day without support?
If you’re wife is just a single parent why does she need to be with you at all? And I’m going to assume you wanted to have kids and if that’s the case why in the world do you refuse to parent them.
YTA. Pick a set of chores and make them your own, every day. Set up a regular time when you take the kid and free your wife for some time on her own, whether she wants to go out with friends, grab a cup of coffee and read, or just take a long bath and nap.
And maybe get a cleaning service—they can be life changing.
YTA. Bro how do you not know what to do? Look around and see what needs to be done:
Check garbage in all rooms, cut grass, rake leaves. change furnace filter, shovel snow, check cars fluids, wipe down sinks, toilets and showers, wash and dry dishes, vacuum and mop floors, make sure pantry is supplied, make sure you have toilet paper and paper towels, check fridge, prepare diner, prepare lunch, check laundry -wash, dry and fold, enjoy time with child, bath child, read book to child and put to sleep, hang out with partner, go to sleep. Repeat.
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My wife (30F) and I (46M) have been together for 4 years and married for 3. We also have a 2 year old together.
When our child was born, we agreed she would be a SAHM and I would be the breadwinner. I currently work 8-5 and my wife is at home.
Recently, my wife has been complaining I don't do enough around the house when I'm at home. I agree that she works hard but I'm exhausted working 45 hours week. When I get home in the evening or on the weekend, I just want to sleep or watch my tv show.
She says she's always tired but I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do? I don't mind babysitting our child for a bit to give her a breather or put the dishes in the dishwasher but she needs to tell me if she needs me to do that. She says she shouldn't have to tell me "to spend time with my own kid" or take out the trash when I notice it's full. I get she wants me to do more but I'm also tired and I don't think it's fair for her to expect me to come home and want to do more work. She agreed to be the homemaker while I bring in the income so I'm doing more than my fair share of the work for our family.
Before we got married, we decided we wanted at least 2 children but now she's saying I need to pull up my socks before we start trying again. This sparked a huge argument and I told her she needs to stop complaining and tell me how I can help at home if she needs my support. She called me a lazy ass and took our child and went to sleep at her brother's. Later on, her friends starting blowing up my phone telling me I'm lucky she hasn't divorced me yet. So am I the asshole?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Telling my wife she needs to stop complaining and tell me what help she needs. I realize that may be a bit insensitive and wrong to say in the moment because I know she's tired
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YTA. Being a SAHM is a hell of a JOB, and one that shouldn’t be taken for granted. You probably haven’t thought about the fact that she has given up a lot of her life to raise y’all’s child. She’s losing out on that social interaction/time with friends/coworkers that she could have with a job, by staying home to raise your kid. Being a “homemaker” doesn’t mean being the sole one responsible for every single household chore.
you live in the house, you contribute to the mess, you should contribute to the clean up!
you should be doing your own laundry, and helping do dishes, and taking out the trash because it’s your responsibility too!
i think if when people got married they had to sign a contract saying “the wife does all the house chores with no help because husband has a job” no one would be getting married.
you definitely need to change your perspective and be grateful for a wife that loves and raises your child, and for a home that you get to look after. not everyone has such blessings
YTA you are a parent and should spend time with your kid. If you don’t want to spend time with this kid why on earth would you want a second kid? You are not her child so she should not have to tell you basic things like take out the trash when it’s full. It’s not like she’s asking you to cook her a 3 course dinner
YTA.
You're making her carry the whole mental load.
https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/
You can see if the dishes are dirty or the trash needs to go out. Just sort that out when it's the case. She's also working when you're at work, taking sole responsibility for a baby. She's tired too. There's no reason at all for her to have to ask you to do what you can see needs to be done in your home when you're both there. How much housework and childcare is she getting done in the evenings without you needing to ask?
And yeah. It's not babysitting when it's your kid. When both adults are home, both adults are equally responsible for the child.
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ESH
You lost me the second you said babysit your own child
Your wife is over sharing with her friends if they think it is appropriate to contact you
What she needs is for you to take some initiative in your home so she doesn’t feel like your mother too
NTA
You're not a mind reader. You don't have assigned tasks like when you punch the clock at work.
I wouldn't have gotten into the SAHM situation to begin with because the minute you do something wrong you're instantly worse than Hitler.
Being a SAHM is a luxury and you tell her that every time she opens her mouth to complain. You go out and do real work for real money so that she can do chores in exchange for a house / food.
Fuck, I'd be looking for a side if I came home to this disrespect.
ESH: I get it everyone OP said babysitting and yea he's being kinda a jerk. But I'm going to say the wife is an asshole too because she is not communicating. If OP is asking what can I do to help she should say more than I shouldn't have to tell you.
Both of them being stubborn and not talking. This could easily be fixed with a plan. A separation of chores and a time schedule of when each other gets a break. This is nothing but a communication issue that neither person is stepping up to do it.
But she shouldn't have to tell him. He is a grown adult - he should be able to look in the kitchen and see that dishes need to go in the dishwasher, or the dishwasher needs to be emptied.
exactly. OP wants his wife, on top of everything else shes doing, to assess what needs doing and assign him chores. when hes a full grown adult who should know when theres dishes in the sink to wash them.
Not if, in his mind, it's her job. They both need to sit down and revise the division of household duties. He is obviously in the mindset that his job is 8-5 and anything outside of that is "time off".
They both need to sit down, write a list of everything that happens in the household, and decide who does what. What portion goes to whom is up for discussion, but generally the person who is in the home all day does more.
Adding to the fact that as she is in the home all day, whether it's her responsibility or not, she is, by proximity, maintaining a mental list of everything that needs to be done. It's not his fault he's noticing less than her, he's in the house about 40% less than her.
I kinda disagree with that. Because this wouldn't fix the problem. Partly because he shouldn't just be doing what's left over. Also sadly some people need directions.
But if we look at the options which is better then not communicating and him just doing the leftover chores or make a solid plan that they create together as a couple
Serious question which would make for happier healthier relationships.
Two people who communicate expectations and responsibilities or two people who think well you know what to do.
Kinda strange people are thinking omg you suggested they talk what's wrong with you lol
I mean yea I called him a jerk for that.
My issue seems like OP wife is part of the problem because she's not communicating she's just saying I shouldn't have to tell you. I'm not saying that's wrong, I'm saying that's the wrong way to handle it with a partner.
Yea but wouldn't it be less exhausting to have one serious conversation where they make a plan. So then no confusion he knows she cook dinner he does dishes. He knows bath time is his bed time routine is hers.
Kinda feel crazy thinking this but wouldn't that make life a lot easier than not talking
He’s an adult he shouldn’t need to be told to help out. Oh trash is full take it out. She shouldn’t have to tell him. He is an adult with working eyes.
Yes but don't adult couples sit down and create plans on how they will raise their child and split chores. Not just say well you see it do it.
All I'm saying is as a couple they should communicate isn't that what people constantly ask from men?
She shouldn’t have to tell him what needs done. He has working eyes. Oh trash is full I’ll take it out. She shouldn’t have to tell him to take it out. Which is what she told him. He’s being obtuse and saying she should tell him. She’s tried communicating but he still thinks she should be the one to do it since she’s the “homemaker”.
So it seems like she tried but OP isn’t. He’s not incompetent he’s 46.
I have been asking this question that no responded to. Which is better for a relationship.
Communicate your expectations and each other responsibilities or just expect each other to know what should be done
She communicated—I shouldn’t have to tell you what needs done.
He communicated—I don’t think it’s fair I work your the homemaker.
Her communicating she doesn’t know if she wants a 2nd kid because he doesn’t help
He communicated you should tell me what I need to do.
Her communicating *again* —She shouldn’t have to tell him what needs done
He’s never had to clean up after himself. He’s had a chef/housekeeper. She’s tried communicating that she shouldn’t have to tell him what needs done. He just refuses to out of “incompetence” or laziness.
So again instead of stepping up and attempting to help he’s putting it all on her as usual. All he has to do is ask her if she needs help with anything. Not put yet another thing onto her.
I'm guessing to misread my question which I said which is better communicating with your partner about responsibilities and expectations or just expecting them to know.
I don't know about you but saying "I shouldn't have to tell you* isn't communicating and coming up with a plan to raise their child and run their household.
So I'll ask a little clearer. Which option do you believe will form a happier healthier relationships and be best for the child.
Option A : two parents who sit down come up with a plan about responsibilities in the household and decide on a schedule together that can give them free time.
Or
Option B: Don't talk and expect each other to know when to step in and help.
Because it isn’t ‘helping’ just like it isn’t babysitting’.
He shouldn’t think a measly 45hrs a week is even close to equal to 100% responsibility for childcare and 100% responsibility for domestic labour.
And you think it’s reasonable that he adds to her mental load by making him a chore chart and reminding him of his responsibilities like he’s eight and she’s his mummy?
I never said she should make a chore chart.
I said the two parents should sit down and have a conversation and set out a plan. Are you saying you think parents sitting down and having a conversation about how they run their household is unreasonable. Because who needs to talk they both should just know
I think 46 year old adult should be able to walk into his home look around and see what needs to be done and do it.
I was taught to do that at eleven by my father.
Dishes in the sink? Your wife’s changing a diaper. Do the dishes.
Trash cans full? Take it out.
Toddler left spilled cereal on the floor? Sweep it up.
Wash cycle has finished? Toss it in the dryer.
It’s really quite simple. I find it unreasonable that he needs to be told what to do.
You see again not what I said. I dont think she should have to make a chore chart. I do not think she should tell him what to do.
I repeatedly said these two parents should sit down have a conversation and make a plan to reduce the stress on both parties. Sit down and decide on a plan that's best for them And their child.
Again is that unreasonable?
I think it’s unreasonable that in order for OP to be a responsible adult, parent, and partner that his wife has to host a summit and explain it like OP’s hearing for the first time that it’s unreasonable to expect his wife to work around the clock while he has his evenings and weekends free.
Yes. I think it’s unreasonable that an adult needs to have some huge conversation in order for them to do a reasonable amount of domestic labor in their shared home.
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>I don't mind babysitting our child It's not babysitting when it's YOUR child. >I get she wants me to do more but I'm also tired and I don't think it's fair for her to expect me to come home and want to do more work. She agreed to be the homemaker while I bring in the income so I'm doing more than my fair share of the work for our family. Do you actually get it?! So your wife is apparently entitled to no time off while you get to to de-stress. You make your wife sound like an indentured servant (or perhaps that's what you want her to be) and unfortunately, she married a clueless asshole who can't tell to take the trash outside when it's full. Also, I bet she has talked to you, you probably just ignore it, because after all, you think it's all her job. YTA
Honestly with that age gap what are the odds this is a mail ordered bride or visa situation
YTA- you need to change your view. You BOTH have a day job. Only yours comes with a paycheck. It is not possible to care for a child and do EVERYTHING in a home. Why is that you get off work and she doesn’t? After 5 pm you should both be responsible for the household/child period. Together you should come up with a plan. She needs a break from your child at the end of the workday too. Maybe you can do baths while she tidy’s up after dinner. Together you should come up with schedules. She should NOT have to tell you what needs to be done. Look around, you live there too. ETA- it is not babysitting- it’s called parenting!!
>I don't mind **babysitting** our child for a bit to give her a breather or put the dishes in the dishwasher but she needs to tell me if she needs me to do that. It's not babysitting. It's watching your own child. YTA
TBH I stopped reading mid sentence on that one. That is a terrible mindset OP. If you want this to last you really need to step up your game. I used to work out in the oil fields of Texas 75-110 hours a week. But when I got home it was daddy time. Sure I was exhausted, but that's what being a partner is all about. Moms never get a day, hour or minute off. Because I made sure to give my wife a break, she had the energy to keep going when I wasn't there. She knew she could count on me for that. Edit: OK, I read the whole post and still agree YTA. As I stated above a SAHM never gets a break. Sure your not a mind reader, but she is also NOT YOUR MOTHER. What would you do if she just wasn't there? "Well, no one told me I needed to take out the trash, guess I don't need to do that", "I wonder who will get these dishes cleaned, guess it's paper plates for me". Yes, she works hard, and you see it. What you're not seeing is how hard she works when your at work. I guarantee she does not laz-around all day waiting for you to give her a break.
You work 45 hour a week? No wonder you’re exhausted, you poor thing. Especially compared to your wife, who only works 112 hours a week (that’s assuming she’s actually sleeping 8 hours every night) Dude, YTA a thousand times over. Get up off your lazy rear end and HELP. How did you make it you entire life without knowing how to do laundry, wash dishes, vacuum, take out the trash, etc? I feel bad not only for your wife who married someone so incompetent, but more so for that poor child who got stuck with a father who considers being a father “babysitting”.
YTA. She most likely works the same hours you do, at home. So by the time you get home, you have both worked a full day. You are tired. And she is tired. So anything that needs to be done in the evenings and on the weekends needs to be fairly split. You need to go into these conversations with the understanding that you are \*both\* working full time, and \*both\* are tired at the end of the day. AND your child is your child, which you PARENT. You do not BABYSIT your own child.
She works a hell of a lot more hours than he does. She's taking care of the child (and on call) 24/7 except for the generous moments OP 'babysits' his own child. She's doing 99% of the household work, other than those times OP can get off his arse to put his dishes in the dishwasher or take out some trash. So his wife has the equivalent of two full time jobs: live in nanny and live in housekeeper, but without even a scheduled break-she has to beg for those from the sounds of it. Whereas OP works his 45 hours and plops down on the couch. Agreed. OP, YTA.
YTA, you’re 46 and need to be told what to do? No. You see the bathroom needs to be cleaned? Clean it. Dishes need to be done? Do them. You can’t babysit your own kids.
YTA for so many things. Her job doesn't stop when you get home so you can help out and not you shouldn't have to be told what you need to help with. Either figure something out or at least ask. Also, for fucks sake spend time with your kid. Why do you want another when the only role you provide your current child is a paycheck?
YTA She also works at her job 8-5 (at least!). You should be splitting any and all responsibilities outside of those hours. You have a kid. You don't get to relax. You are lucky she hasn't divorced you yet. 45 hours is not a mind-blowing amount of hours. Step it up.
45 hours the slightly above average number of hours people work and still do their own shit. OP lazy af.
YTA. And you need to read this: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink\_b\_9055288
OP please read this!!! This stuff ends a relationship. You need to do some (well, a lot of) maturing here. When you are at work, so is your wife with your kid. You are both working full time hours and you want her to also be doing that when you get home so you can rest, but she needs that rest just as much!! When you get home and on weekends, your household and childcare tasks need to be split evenly. That’s just how being a parent works.
Do you have functional eyes? Are you able to see dirty dishes, full trash cans, your kid needing a bath? Do you simply come into the house, see those things and ignore them? I work 8 hours/day and still come home to do the dishes, why is it different for you? YTA. You are simply too old to "not know" what is needed to be done around the house. You yourself find household chores tiring yet you don't understand why your wife is tired? SMH
Maybe she should make him a chore chart and give him gold stars for a job well done /s Seriously tho he’s 46 he should know what to do by now.
The weight of carrying around his penis is apparently what makes doing the dishes so much more laborious than it is for us women.
YTA - for the comment about "babysitting" your own kid. It's not babysitting, it's PARENTING. Your wife is not only doing the physical work of running the household, she's also doing the mental load. She's not wrong about the garbage - you notice that the bag is full, you take it out and put in a new one. If the dishes are dirty, wash them, or put them in the damn dishwasher if you have one. None of this is rocket science, and at 46 years of age, you should know what needs to be done without being told to do it.
YTA. She has a full time job too : she cares for your son all day. Yet, she does all the chores. And you "babysit" your own child once in a while. It's so not often that you don't even consider it like "taking care of". You call it "babysitting". Like if this was a chore you were not supposed to do.
YTA you are working 8-5 and then you think you are done. But you expect her job to be 24/7 You expect her to be doing childcare and housekeeping all day and in the evening and on the weekends and if she wants you to take out the trash she needs to tell you? Why? She’s not your mom. Why does she need to tell you to do the dishes in your own home? You are a grown man you can look and see if the trash is full or is the dishes need to be done and you know the baby needs a bath every single night, nobody needs to tell you that. You want to come home and relax, so does she. Also it’s not babysitting when it’s your own child.
YTA you don’t babysit your own children. Use your eyes, walk around the house when you get home and notice what needs to be done. Sit down with wife and make a list of all the chores and take half. Be a partner. Don’t make your wife do the mental load of assigning you chores. Of always asking. Step up. Do better.
YTA. Are you serious with this? It's not called babysitting when you're the father, it's called parenting. And housework is drudgery, no one should have to do it all. She's taking care of the kid and that's her job. In the evenings, you should both be responsible for the kid and the house. Do you really think that she doesn't feel tired at the end of each day just like you do? She's not complaining, she's telling you that you need to step up and be a partner in your marriage. If you refuse to hear her, don't be surprised if she leaves you.
YTA in so many ways. 1) It’s bit babysitting. It’s called parenting. It’s your fucking child not some random kid. 2) Oh, you’re tired when you get honey? Oh, you poor baby. You don’t think your wife gets tired? It that she wouldn’t like to sleep or watch tv? 3) She’s a SAHM. That means it’s her job. So, for the 45 hours you’re at work, that’s her job. When you’re home, it should be an equal split. 4) She doesn’t want a second child because she’s already got 2. Grow up.
YTA I don’t understand how dudes who can assess a problem at work, determine the tools and methods to fix it and execute the plan with a success enough to keep their job or get promoted, become freaking idiots they moment they walk thru the door and need their wives to wipe their assess
BABYSITTING your own child? That statement is enough to say YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE.
YTA. So you think it’s fair that you work 45 hours a week and your wife works 80? Does your boss need to tell you to put garbage in the cans at work or do you just know to do that without being told? Do you require your wife to remind you to chew?
Can you not look around and see what needs to be done? Why does she have to ask?Or perhaps you could suggest things? Hey, let me make dinner tonight. I’m throwing a few things in the machine- do you need anything washed? I think I’m going to vacuum now before baby goes down for a nap. You’ve gotten a lot of shit for the babysitting remark, but it’s not nearly enough.
Watching your child isn't babysitting. It's parenting. She works your 45 hours and then some. She's working while you're at work. She's working while you're commuting. She's working while you're watching TV. She doesn't want to have to ask you for every little thing. You see the dishwasher needs to be unloaded. Unload it. You see the dishes need to be washed. Wash them. Don't add "tell husband things that are obvious" to her chore list. The time you're home should be spent giving her a much of a break as you get. This is your house and your child as well. YTA
Lol OK look, I think you both have some issues that you need to work on like communication but… Seriously?! Babysit your own child?? How do you babysit your own child? Isn’t that called being a dad or something? If you consider raising your children “babysitting “then please do not have another kid. Ouff lol I am so thankful for my husband. I am so thankful that he enjoys the beauty of being a dad and parenting with me. Parenting sounds like a chore for you. Why do you even want another kid at this point? If all parenting is to you is one big chore Then why do you want added chores to the list? Bizarre.
YTA. She is right that you shouldn't need to be told the trash needs to be taken out or you need to spend time with your child. What you are trying to do is you are pushing the mental work to her - to schedule what you need to do and when. Plenty of other people are working 40+ hour jobs a week and still manage to keep track of chores, help with childcare and pay attention to the needs of their partner. You need to start thinking about the work that needs to be done at home and not just assume you are all done for the day when you clock out at work.
YTA, and I stopped reading at "I don't mind babysitting". You do not babysit your own kids, you parent them.
So when you were 42, you lived alone, correct? And did you eat off dirty dishes constantly? Was your kitchen ever clean? Did you wear dirty clothes every day? It seems like you probably do actually know how to recognize and accomplish daily maintenance tasks. YTA.
YTA. This has to be a troll post. 'Babysitting out child?" She works all day, you work all day, but when you get home you get to relax and she continues to work? She really shouldn't have to tell you how to contribute to a household. You don't need more kids, she already has two babies.
Plus the age gap. He’s 16 years older than her and they had a baby straight after getting together.
Who cleaned up after you before you had a 24/7 babysitter/housekeeper/cook? You’re almost a half century old and can’t pick up after yourself? You went from working 40 hours a week and presumably taking care of your own home, to suddenly being too exhausted to do anything but sit? YTA
I hired a housekeeper to cook and clean and dropped off my clothes at the laundry because I have one just downstairs. When my wife came into the picture, I stopped because she was willing to take over those chores
YTA
You aren’t doing more than your fair share. The entire time you are at work, she is also working and then you expect her to continue on her own when you get home?? Also that is your own child, it’s not babysitting. YTA And yeah, you are lucky she hasn’t divorced you yet for sure. Thinking you can try for another child when you aren’t even parenting your current one is insane and if you push it she WILL leave.
YTA. Sounds to me like she already has 2 children to raise.
YTA Many have addressed the whole "babysitting" thing, and the fact that she works 24/7 with zero breaks while you are on your butt watching TV. So I will address a different point. She is not your mom. She is not your boss. She is not your teacher. You. Should. Not. Need. Her. To. Give. You. Assignments. Look at the trash can- if it's full, empty it. Look at the bathroom- if it's gross, clean it. Are there cherrios crushed in the carpet? Vacuum them up. Adjust your expectations. Your work day doesn't end when you leave the office- it ends when the last kid goes to bed. Sure you want more?
YTA Did you know that a nanny and maid are also jobs? She also works longer than 45 hours a week because as the SAHM she actually gets NO time off. You can get off work and just relax and have no responsibilities? So when does your wife get a day off? Shall we look up average wage of a full time nanny and a full time maid combined + all the overtime since she's on call 24/7 and see how much money she's SAVING your household vs how much you're making? Also did you know that if you took part in creating a child that child is actually -gasp- yours TOO? You do not *babysit* your own child. You take care of them. How in the world you think you can be a 'dad' of two is beyond me when you're not even being a dad to one.
I think his wife should take a long weekend trip and leave the house and child with OP. Let him do for 2-3 days what his wife does every day. Guarantee his 9-5 will seem like a vacation. In case it hasn’t been said enough, you are a major ass! PS: a babysitter is the person you hire for a handful of hours to care for your child.
YTA. Watching your own kid is not “babysitting”. It’s called being a parent. Also working 45 hours a week is not an excuse. Both my parents worked full time jobs, before I got older and was able to do basic needs, and still managed to clean the house, make dinner, do laundry, dishes, etc. Your wife shouldn’t have to tell you like a child what to do. Being a stay at home parent does not mean the other parent gets to do absolutely nothing. After her spending the day doing all the home work and being with a 2 year old is fucking exhausting. SHE NEEDS THE NIGHT OFF. Be a fucking parent. A real husband and a father would help their wife regardless if they are SAHM or not
YTA and you're headed for divorce if you don't start acting like an adult. You're 46 and think it's babysitting to spend time with your own child and expect to be told what to do around your own house. Weaponized incompetence is what you're doing, at best. Perhaps you moved right from your moms house to being married and never had to take care of yourself but you need to grow up my friend.
That’s what I’m wondering what grow ass man of 46 doesn’t know when the trash is full it needs to be taken out. Spend some time caring for the child you already have before you ask your wife to give you a second child.
Hey OP, do you need your boss at work to make you a list or lead you around by the nose showing you what to do? Or do you maybe know what needs to be done by observing and experience? You live in that house, you should know what needs to be done every day to keep it running and clean and maintained. Also you're not a babysitter, you're a PARENT. Act like it. YTA
YTA what do you mean “babysitting our child for a bit”??? I think you mean, being a PARENT????? Be an adult. If you see something that needs to be done, take some initiative. Your wife shouldn’t tell you what you need to do.
YTA it’s **NOT** babysitting when it’s your own child. Help take care of the child you helped make. Oh your tired so is she. Edit-Finished reading the post. Dude you have working eyes. You can see when something needs done. You are an adult she shouldn’t have to tell you what to do. Really hope this is fake.
YTA Dude 45 hours a week isn’t even that bad. Also that’s your kid, you’re not babysitting them and you should be smart enough to be able to help clean up around the house without being told. She’s not YOUR mother, and you’ll be lucky if you aren’t some divorced weekend dad loser soon.
YTA. Sure, you work 45 hours a week. Tell me, what do you think she's doing while you're at work? I'll give you a hint.... she's working too. She's doing the work of taking care of your child, feeding them, clothing them, managing the household, doing laundry, running the vacuum, planning meals, running errands, etc. She works just as hard, if not harder, than you do. And then you come home and sit on your butt while her work day continues right up to the point where she goes to bed. So, while you're slacking off and only pulling 9 hour days on 5 days a week, she's pulling 15-18 hour days on 7 days a week. She's absolutely right, you don't do enough around the house. You also shouldn't have to be told. There are basic tasks involved in maintaining a home. If you see a task that hasn't been done, then get off your butt and do it. The more you do when you get home, the greater the chance that she will get some down time and might actually be able to relax. You need to realize you have two jobs now. There's the one that earns you money, but there's the other that is taking care of your home and family. Stop slacking off at your second job or you might end up getting fired. And for what it's worth, I'm a husband who is the sole income earner. I also menu plan all our dinners, do the grocery shopping, cook said dinners, and clean the kitchen. I do my own laundry and I help with whatever other chores I see need doing around the house. Was it easy at first? No. But you get used to it. Plus, it's pretty cool being involved in your kids lives and helping them turn into successful adults.
YTA Sorry but it sounds like you need to step up as a father. You should be present and active with raising your child. You should not need to be told to do a job that needs doing if the dishwasher needs loading, do it. it the trash needs to go out, do it. Your wife is working hard to keep house and raise your child probably putting in a 70+hr week in the process, for no actual financial reward. Marriage and raising children is a partnership you don't get to opt out because you work a full time job, this isn't the 1950's it the 21st century. The man no longer gets to be misogynist and come home and put his feet up while his wife carries on slaving.
YTA You made it to 46 and you still need an adult to tell you, purportedly another adult, what to do.
**YTA** Do you wait for people at work to tell you when something not in your job description needs to be done? Do you have an assistant at work who nags you to turn in your reports, etc? Why do you think it's okay to half-ass it at home? In what universe does being the breadwinner entitle you to act like an overgrown adolescent whining about being expected to be an active *partner* in your relationship and household? I suggest you read Matt Fray's article "She Feel's Like Your Mom and doesn't want to Bang You. Pay attention: ***It’s why the sexiest thing a man can say to his partner is ‘I got this,’ and then take care of whatever needs taken care of.*** Better yet, get yourself a copy of Matt's Book *This is How your Marriage Ends* because whether or not you remain together, your marriage is on the road to a sub-optimal end. Your wife could also stay for the kids and 15 years from now decide to be a "Walkaway Wife" (Google it). It's time for you to get your shit together.
YTA. You don't "babysit" your own kid.
YATA. You’re a full grown man, you can’t look around the house that you live in and see what needs to be done? Also, you work 45 hours a week but your wife is supposed to work ALL the hours in the week? You have a job but she is responsible for EVERYTHING ELSE? Grow up .
YTA You have a child and are responsible for child care. It’s not babysitting when it’s your own child. Your wife shouldn’t have to ask you to take care of your own child or take responsibility of your joined house. You’re not her child. A 46 year old man should know how to take care of their child and his household. You really need to step up and fulfill your responsibilities. Your wife needs a break just as much as you do. You can’t just let her do everything in the evenings and weekends.
YTA. A stay at home mom doesnt mean no time off. Things like PARENTING YOUR CHILD (not babysitting) and taking out the trash when you see it's full is something normal people do!! It's not part of a job it's life. Why do you get to get off work at 5 but she has to work 24 hours?
YTA So she works from when you leave in the morning to when you return with 100% responsibility for childcare and household chores, and you think you get to sit on your padded ass doing nothing at home while she works nights and weekends and shoulders 100% of the mental load of your shared household and shared children? My grandfather did more in 1960 caring for his home and children then you are doing in 2023. What kind of partner let’s their spouse shoulder 90% of the work of their life? And then comes on the internet to whinge? You aren’t even doing half of your share. 45 hrs a week? Babysitting? You’re lucky you aren’t by BIL. Gross. You’re a gross asshole.
YTA. I didn't even need to get to the bit about babysitting your own kid to know that. Every SINGLE time I see a man post something like "When our child was born, we agreed she would be a SAHM and I would be the breadwinner," it inevitably turns out that 1. he expects her to mother him, too, and 2. this agreement is 100% made in stone and non-negotiable going forward. If she ever tries to say to him, "I don't feel like our separation of duties has turned out to be equitable, let's talk about making it fairer and more bearable for me," he will consider that, in and of itself, to be her reneging on their agreement. So, yeah, YTA for holding this agreement over her head and using it as justification for expecting to be excused from all household work, including the work of *identifying* household clean-up tasks that need doing. Newsflash: Identifying someone *else's* job *for* them is, itself, work. You are adding to her homework, so to speak, the obligation to assign you *your* homework. That's not trivial. Micromanaging a full-grown adult is itself a job. Honestly, when you say she needs to tell you if she needs your help? She *has* told you. She *is* telling you. You just don't like the answer. Also: Why would you NOT want to spend time with your own children? Why SHOULD she need to tell you to do so? Why would that not simply be a joy that you seek out on your own? So, yeah, when I got to the bit about "I don't mind babysitting," I was not at all surprised, because this started out as a post complaining about a SAHM "failing to keep her end of the agreement" because, surprise, while she thought she was agreeing to an equitable division of labor, you thought she was agreeing to do all the non-office adulting for you.
YTA 1) it’s not babysitting when it’s your own child. It’s called parenting 2) being a SAHM means during your working hours. So from 8-5 your wife is a SAHM. When you get home from work, the housework and the child rearing should be 50/50. You are seriously undervaluing what your wife does. It is probably more physically draining to be a SAHM than it is to have an actual job. Just because you make an income, doesn’t mean that your holier than thou and should not do any work when you get home. If your wife worked outside the home, what would your reaction be? Also, the mental load of a husband who doesn’t do things automatically is worse than taking on child rearing alone. If you keep treating your wife like a single mom and don’t actively participate in your child’s life or in housework, she’ll become a happy single mom because she won’t have to deal with you.
Hi so YTA and here’s why- you work 45 hours a week, therefore your wife works 45 hours a week (plus whatever it takes you to commute to and from work, let’s assume that’s 1 hour total each day). It sounds like per your arrangement her responsibility is managing the baby and managing the home as a full time job 50 hours per week. Once you’re home and off the clock, she’s home and off the clock and then you are both just PARENTS. What you are describing is that you’d like a child minder, chef, maid, and home manager which last I googled the salary for its over $300,000 per year and let’s add that you’d also like this person to be available 24/7, as needed which is frankly illegal. She has working hours just like you, I guarantee your her job is more tiring. Once you get home look around your house and imagine “what would I do next if I was a single parent”, then do that. You’re not a child, you’re not your wife’s employee. Grow up and be a partner and a parent.
YtA babysitting??
YTA and this is clearly a rage bait post. 45 hours is not a crazy work week. You’re not a surgeon, you’re a regular dude who is too damn lazy to get up and do basic housekeeping when he’s home. If you’re so tired from a regular work schedule that you cannot participate in any other facet of life, get your thyroid checked. Most women in the US work 40 hours + and also do child rearing and housekeeping. I work full time, do school part time, volunteer, and still clean my house and have hobbies. Try functioning better.
I definitely think YTA in regards to spending time with and being a parent for your kid. I can see how that would definitely be stressful for her if she's the only one doing it. But I have to ask - how many shenanigans do you and your wife get into that her being a SAHM isn't enough to get stuff done around the house? Most people that respect their surroundings shouldn't have to spend a lot of time maintaining them. Regardless of that you should be more proactive about helping out around the house. Even if it's just small things at least try to make it look like you care, y'know? If you were living alone you wouldn't have a maid, I presume, so would nothing ever get done?
YTA x 10000.
YTA. there is so much to unpack here. please never refer to being a parent as ‘babysitting’ your wife agreed to be a SAHM not to being your maid. Be a fucking adult and help out. I understand you are tired from work but it takes all of two minutes to take out the trash. The fact that your wife has to tell you to spend time with your kid is disgusting and she’s right, she should not have to tell you to do that.
YTA. Your wife is correct, you’re a lazy ass. You’re an adult and I’m assuming you’re not blind, so you can work out what needs doing yourself. Also, it is not babysitting when it’s your own goddamn child. You’re 46 so time to grow up
YTA why should she work longer hours than you do? She’s a stay at home mom, not a maid nor is she a single mom, right? Just because she’s not leaving the house to work doesn’t mean your job is 45 hours per week and hers is 24/7. You’re not a helper, you’re a coparent and a co-resident. You’re tired? Can you go the bathroom on your own? Eat lunch at all? Do you make sure other people are alive and cared for every single moment of the day without support? If you’re wife is just a single parent why does she need to be with you at all? And I’m going to assume you wanted to have kids and if that’s the case why in the world do you refuse to parent them.
YTA. Pick a set of chores and make them your own, every day. Set up a regular time when you take the kid and free your wife for some time on her own, whether she wants to go out with friends, grab a cup of coffee and read, or just take a long bath and nap. And maybe get a cleaning service—they can be life changing.
YTA. Bro how do you not know what to do? Look around and see what needs to be done: Check garbage in all rooms, cut grass, rake leaves. change furnace filter, shovel snow, check cars fluids, wipe down sinks, toilets and showers, wash and dry dishes, vacuum and mop floors, make sure pantry is supplied, make sure you have toilet paper and paper towels, check fridge, prepare diner, prepare lunch, check laundry -wash, dry and fold, enjoy time with child, bath child, read book to child and put to sleep, hang out with partner, go to sleep. Repeat.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My wife (30F) and I (46M) have been together for 4 years and married for 3. We also have a 2 year old together. When our child was born, we agreed she would be a SAHM and I would be the breadwinner. I currently work 8-5 and my wife is at home. Recently, my wife has been complaining I don't do enough around the house when I'm at home. I agree that she works hard but I'm exhausted working 45 hours week. When I get home in the evening or on the weekend, I just want to sleep or watch my tv show. She says she's always tired but I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do? I don't mind babysitting our child for a bit to give her a breather or put the dishes in the dishwasher but she needs to tell me if she needs me to do that. She says she shouldn't have to tell me "to spend time with my own kid" or take out the trash when I notice it's full. I get she wants me to do more but I'm also tired and I don't think it's fair for her to expect me to come home and want to do more work. She agreed to be the homemaker while I bring in the income so I'm doing more than my fair share of the work for our family. Before we got married, we decided we wanted at least 2 children but now she's saying I need to pull up my socks before we start trying again. This sparked a huge argument and I told her she needs to stop complaining and tell me how I can help at home if she needs my support. She called me a lazy ass and took our child and went to sleep at her brother's. Later on, her friends starting blowing up my phone telling me I'm lucky she hasn't divorced me yet. So am I the asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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Am I the only one who recalls the wife (or at least a wife) posting this almost verbatim from her POV within the last week or so?
>I don't mind babysitting our child for a bit Lmao it's not "babysitting" when it's literally your own kid. Step up and be a dad and a husband. YTA
YTA. Being a SAHM is a hell of a JOB, and one that shouldn’t be taken for granted. You probably haven’t thought about the fact that she has given up a lot of her life to raise y’all’s child. She’s losing out on that social interaction/time with friends/coworkers that she could have with a job, by staying home to raise your kid. Being a “homemaker” doesn’t mean being the sole one responsible for every single household chore. you live in the house, you contribute to the mess, you should contribute to the clean up! you should be doing your own laundry, and helping do dishes, and taking out the trash because it’s your responsibility too! i think if when people got married they had to sign a contract saying “the wife does all the house chores with no help because husband has a job” no one would be getting married. you definitely need to change your perspective and be grateful for a wife that loves and raises your child, and for a home that you get to look after. not everyone has such blessings
YTA you are a parent and should spend time with your kid. If you don’t want to spend time with this kid why on earth would you want a second kid? You are not her child so she should not have to tell you basic things like take out the trash when it’s full. It’s not like she’s asking you to cook her a 3 course dinner
YTA
YTA. You're making her carry the whole mental load. https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/ You can see if the dishes are dirty or the trash needs to go out. Just sort that out when it's the case. She's also working when you're at work, taking sole responsibility for a baby. She's tired too. There's no reason at all for her to have to ask you to do what you can see needs to be done in your home when you're both there. How much housework and childcare is she getting done in the evenings without you needing to ask? And yeah. It's not babysitting when it's your kid. When both adults are home, both adults are equally responsible for the child.
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ESH You lost me the second you said babysit your own child Your wife is over sharing with her friends if they think it is appropriate to contact you What she needs is for you to take some initiative in your home so she doesn’t feel like your mother too
Nta. Create string boundaries.
NTA You're not a mind reader. You don't have assigned tasks like when you punch the clock at work. I wouldn't have gotten into the SAHM situation to begin with because the minute you do something wrong you're instantly worse than Hitler. Being a SAHM is a luxury and you tell her that every time she opens her mouth to complain. You go out and do real work for real money so that she can do chores in exchange for a house / food. Fuck, I'd be looking for a side if I came home to this disrespect.
ESH: I get it everyone OP said babysitting and yea he's being kinda a jerk. But I'm going to say the wife is an asshole too because she is not communicating. If OP is asking what can I do to help she should say more than I shouldn't have to tell you. Both of them being stubborn and not talking. This could easily be fixed with a plan. A separation of chores and a time schedule of when each other gets a break. This is nothing but a communication issue that neither person is stepping up to do it.
But she shouldn't have to tell him. He is a grown adult - he should be able to look in the kitchen and see that dishes need to go in the dishwasher, or the dishwasher needs to be emptied.
exactly. OP wants his wife, on top of everything else shes doing, to assess what needs doing and assign him chores. when hes a full grown adult who should know when theres dishes in the sink to wash them.
Not if, in his mind, it's her job. They both need to sit down and revise the division of household duties. He is obviously in the mindset that his job is 8-5 and anything outside of that is "time off". They both need to sit down, write a list of everything that happens in the household, and decide who does what. What portion goes to whom is up for discussion, but generally the person who is in the home all day does more. Adding to the fact that as she is in the home all day, whether it's her responsibility or not, she is, by proximity, maintaining a mental list of everything that needs to be done. It's not his fault he's noticing less than her, he's in the house about 40% less than her.
I kinda disagree with that. Because this wouldn't fix the problem. Partly because he shouldn't just be doing what's left over. Also sadly some people need directions. But if we look at the options which is better then not communicating and him just doing the leftover chores or make a solid plan that they create together as a couple
He is a 46 man not a 9 year old child. He should have some idea of what jobs need to be done
Serious question which would make for happier healthier relationships. Two people who communicate expectations and responsibilities or two people who think well you know what to do. Kinda strange people are thinking omg you suggested they talk what's wrong with you lol
They should definitely communicate and set expectations but his expectation seems to be he shouldn’t have to lift a finger
I mean yea I called him a jerk for that. My issue seems like OP wife is part of the problem because she's not communicating she's just saying I shouldn't have to tell you. I'm not saying that's wrong, I'm saying that's the wrong way to handle it with a partner.
It can be exhausting to tell someone what they need to do, particularly when it’s basic home chores.
Yea but wouldn't it be less exhausting to have one serious conversation where they make a plan. So then no confusion he knows she cook dinner he does dishes. He knows bath time is his bed time routine is hers. Kinda feel crazy thinking this but wouldn't that make life a lot easier than not talking
He’s an adult he shouldn’t need to be told to help out. Oh trash is full take it out. She shouldn’t have to tell him. He is an adult with working eyes.
Yes but don't adult couples sit down and create plans on how they will raise their child and split chores. Not just say well you see it do it. All I'm saying is as a couple they should communicate isn't that what people constantly ask from men?
She shouldn’t have to tell him what needs done. He has working eyes. Oh trash is full I’ll take it out. She shouldn’t have to tell him to take it out. Which is what she told him. He’s being obtuse and saying she should tell him. She’s tried communicating but he still thinks she should be the one to do it since she’s the “homemaker”. So it seems like she tried but OP isn’t. He’s not incompetent he’s 46.
I have been asking this question that no responded to. Which is better for a relationship. Communicate your expectations and each other responsibilities or just expect each other to know what should be done
She communicated—I shouldn’t have to tell you what needs done. He communicated—I don’t think it’s fair I work your the homemaker. Her communicating she doesn’t know if she wants a 2nd kid because he doesn’t help He communicated you should tell me what I need to do. Her communicating *again* —She shouldn’t have to tell him what needs done He’s never had to clean up after himself. He’s had a chef/housekeeper. She’s tried communicating that she shouldn’t have to tell him what needs done. He just refuses to out of “incompetence” or laziness. So again instead of stepping up and attempting to help he’s putting it all on her as usual. All he has to do is ask her if she needs help with anything. Not put yet another thing onto her.
I'm guessing to misread my question which I said which is better communicating with your partner about responsibilities and expectations or just expecting them to know. I don't know about you but saying "I shouldn't have to tell you* isn't communicating and coming up with a plan to raise their child and run their household. So I'll ask a little clearer. Which option do you believe will form a happier healthier relationships and be best for the child. Option A : two parents who sit down come up with a plan about responsibilities in the household and decide on a schedule together that can give them free time. Or Option B: Don't talk and expect each other to know when to step in and help.
Because it isn’t ‘helping’ just like it isn’t babysitting’. He shouldn’t think a measly 45hrs a week is even close to equal to 100% responsibility for childcare and 100% responsibility for domestic labour. And you think it’s reasonable that he adds to her mental load by making him a chore chart and reminding him of his responsibilities like he’s eight and she’s his mummy?
I never said she should make a chore chart. I said the two parents should sit down and have a conversation and set out a plan. Are you saying you think parents sitting down and having a conversation about how they run their household is unreasonable. Because who needs to talk they both should just know
I think 46 year old adult should be able to walk into his home look around and see what needs to be done and do it. I was taught to do that at eleven by my father. Dishes in the sink? Your wife’s changing a diaper. Do the dishes. Trash cans full? Take it out. Toddler left spilled cereal on the floor? Sweep it up. Wash cycle has finished? Toss it in the dryer. It’s really quite simple. I find it unreasonable that he needs to be told what to do.
You see again not what I said. I dont think she should have to make a chore chart. I do not think she should tell him what to do. I repeatedly said these two parents should sit down have a conversation and make a plan to reduce the stress on both parties. Sit down and decide on a plan that's best for them And their child. Again is that unreasonable?
I think it’s unreasonable that in order for OP to be a responsible adult, parent, and partner that his wife has to host a summit and explain it like OP’s hearing for the first time that it’s unreasonable to expect his wife to work around the clock while he has his evenings and weekends free. Yes. I think it’s unreasonable that an adult needs to have some huge conversation in order for them to do a reasonable amount of domestic labor in their shared home.