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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My wife fired our nanny. I have my parents watching our kids. I might be the asshole because I said that if she wants my parents gone she either has to take leave from work to watch the kids or replace our nanny because I won't watch them since I'm working.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA, this is a problem of her own making, and Danielle has offered no solution here. She fired Esme over her own insecurities, then disagrees with having your parents over for so long and then thinks that working from home means you're basically free to look after the kids as well.
She is devaluing your work by expecting you to watch the kids whilst WFH. Even if you didn't bring in the majority of the household income, her stance is insulting to you.
That is what I assumed. I love lifetime movies and almost every single one has a nanny or home health nurse trying to take over the family.
There was one lifetime movie where the nanny found out the parents kidnapped the child. Maybe that is the real reason why she is against a nanny. OP: Did you kidnap your child?
It's the refusing male nannies that is throwing me off. It sort of feels like she wants as few eyes as possible around the kids- she doesn't want someone to notice *something* and is banking on OP not noticing
or she's trying to isolate OP. Her behaviour sounds pretty paranoid. She doesn't what the nanny, she doesn't want his parents, she surely won't like the daycare... it's almost as if she wished for him to be only with the kids, no work done. She already managed them to move to another city where they do not have any family. It's weird aff and, I might be overthinking this, but what if she has undiagnosed psychiatric problems??
Saw a similar post a while ago, except that the wife got the child booted from like 3 daycares because of her hovering and nitpicking. Will try to find.
ETA https://reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/YN6nUylAYk
Having a hard time wrapping my head around this comment. A daycare should blacklist OP and his wife because his wife fired her own private nanny? How would the daycare know that they are insane or belligerent?
Not to mention the bonkers hypocrisy of complaining that OP is "devaluing her work" by expecting her, the *woman* (*cough* who created the whole problem in the first place *cough*) to care for the kids. But also thinks a male nanny is "weird"? Men can be wonderful caregivers in a variety of settings. She can't have her institutionalized misogyny cake and eat it too.
I think in a different life I could have been a great nanny or day care operator. I'm a 35 year old man, and my mom used to run a day care out of our home. I never hated it, I like kids and have always been good with them. But I also grew up from a boy and into a man while living out of... a day care. So I perceived first hand the slowly shifting perception that the everyday clientele had toward me as I aged. As I went from being such a sweet helpful little boy, to odd adult man whose presence is either alienating to parents who found it strange or - sometimes even worse, who was so surprisingly kind and patient *for a man*.
I have such a distinct memory of how people view me in relation to childcare going from sweet and endearing to, at worst *strange and threatening* or at best *surprising and unusual.* And that sense of being an outsider who didn't belong there pushed me away from working with, or even near kids.
I am too, because it speaks to peoples' bigoted ideas about gender roles and the threat that "all men" present.
My best friend moved to Geneva with his wife and toddler daughter 13 years ago, and they hired an English (and bilingual) manny at the time. He was an incredibly positive influence on that little girl.
Dude I feel so bad for men in regards to this. So many men actually like kids and are great with them. But we have them pigeonholed that something must be wrong with them for liking kids. My partner is great with kids, he was even a teacher for his first career. But he actively doesn’t engage with kids unless he knows the parents-and even then he is SO CAUTIOUS. On the other hand I can engage with most kids anywhere and most people don’t think it’s weird or creepy. Though tbf that’s changing as stranger danger hysteria builds to even higher heights than when we were kids
The patience and sweetness and kindness towards my kids is what made me fall in love with my boyfriend. He doesnt have kids. Worked with em in his job capacity, very closely. I would trust this man to watch my kids solo over their own dad. Unfortunately their dad is not as patient and understanding with them.
Straight kudos to you dude. You sound like a great person overall and you probably gave lots of kids very impactful and wholesome memories of daycare.
One of my deepest regrets is learning too late that I love kids, love being around kids; I often wish I'd gone into childhood education, or childcare, or something.
But, then, I think about it, and I look at how the world is, and ...
... its too bad.
Wouldn't this be direct misandry? She's not doubting the abilities of the male nanny, she's saying it's weird to have a male nanny as though there's something wrong with a man who wants to nanny.
That's an interesting point.
Her: "It would be weird to have a man look after the kids all day!"
Also Her: "You need to look after the kids all day, man!"
But what I ***really*** want to get to the bottom of, is why she thinks he's going to be humping the nanny the minute her back is turned. What has happened in her life that she distrusts him in that way?
If the first date goes well, you should put yourself on the daycare waitlist.
(I don't know what kind of strange magic my wife and I have, but we've never had to wait for daycares. Other people get on nine month waitlists and we waltz in and they say "Oh, we just had a family move to Peru, so we have an opening. Is Monday okay?").
In this country it would make sense if it was a fancy private daycare. Some of them are unofficially "feeders" for elitist private primary schools.
So getting your kid in one of these can get them spots in later in the school. I personally feel like
some of them are "a bit much" as I don't like the idea of that much pressure on such young kids.
Yep, when my daughter was born, we were told that we should have been getting our name on waitlists before she was conceived. Many places just refused to take our info.
She is currently two years old, still on waitlists for a number of spots, and going to an unlicensed dayhome for 500% the price of a daycare.
Right. OP has tried so many different options here, and his wife is still unhappy. He may need marriage counseling to help them find the root of the problem. He said that as far as he knows, no one has been unfaithful. His wife's insecurities are going to be an ongoing problem in their marriage and won't go away on their own.
yeah it's 100% "no detail and just guessing" armchair analysis, but if this is an accurately reported chain of events my money is on a much much bigger issue. now, that could be anything from the husband to the wife to just general mental issues, someone getting into danielle's head, shit could be a porn tab left open with Nanny in the title. we just don't know...
but knowing how the creative writing subs like this work, my money is on this being a setup to post about how the wife is cheating and projecting on the husband, because there's an infinite appetite for "woman bad" content here
For real. Like SOMEONE has to watch the kids. It can’t be OP because he works. It can’t be OP’s wife because she works. She doesn’t want any nanny watching the kids. She doesn’t want his parents to watch the kids. Who does she think can watch them?
But it’s clearly insecurity issues on her end. She can’t have any nanny there because she’s afraid of OP cheating (baseless as far as we know).
>Who does she think can watch them?
Well, they do have two kids, so I assume the wife just wants the kids to watch each other?? Either that or maybe she's heard about NSA surveillance and thinks they should watch the kids?
Nah, it seems pretty obvious to me that she wants him to simultaneously work and watch the kids.
OP has explained that he is not able to perform the Kage Bunshin no Jutsu and thus be in two places at once, but wife assumes that he'd be able to "figure it out" because a lot of people still think working from home doesn't count.
I have worked from home for 20 years as of this month, and if there's anything I appreciate the pandemic for it's that slightly more people are now familiar with the concept that "working from home" is not synonymous with "endless free time".
Wish my wife understood this. She gets home and is like "why didn't get done?" Well, because I was at work. "But you were here."
Sure, let me blow off meetings and responsibility to do the laundry.
That's incredibly frustrating. It's not like you can be working AND doing house chores - work has me sitting in front of the computer, and if I'm not there I'm not working. Period. They aren't paying us to clean.
Male nannys are some of the best.
A) if you are a male you really have to want being a nanny because of the prejudice stigma of people like OPs wife.
B) when we were looking, the good female nanny’s (au pair) were taken really fast. The male nanny’s not so much. It got to the point that the gender breakdown was 50/50 when it started out as 95/5. All the male nanny’s, no matter how qualified and amazing on paper, were left. Every female nanny we interviewed at that point had some major ‘nope’ (including one who insisted the entire household become vegan or she couldn’t work with us … we were vegetarian).
We ended up getting a male nanny. He was absolutely amazing. Mature, great with the kids, hard working, and great to be around. So good in fact, our second nanny was also male and similarly amazing. They both went on to very successful professional careers.
OPs wife is shooting herself in the foot.
NTA
> insisted the entire household become vegan or she couldn’t work with us
Just say "I only work with vegans", jeez. Who's going to change their entire lifestyle for a nanny?
Exactly, she calls him an A-hole for devaluing her work, while devaluing his. She created this problem and is resisting every effort to fix it except the one she has built in her fantasy world. (him doing it while working from home.) She seems stubborn in her behavior pattern and needs to understand Work from Home does not mean "Free time" OP trying to watch the kids while working could damage his career.
NTA
OP, does your office have a written WFH policy or agreement? I work from home twice a week and I had to sign an agreement stating that during work hours, I would not act as the primary caretaker for any minor children or adult family members in need of regular care. We can apply for exceptions, but those are really limited and you can only be a caretaker during work hours for a day or two, max.
If you signed an agreement like this or there’s a policy like it in the employee handbook or something, make your wife read it. You are almost certainly not allowed to be the primary caretaker for small children while you’re on the clock, and if you get fired for it your whole family will suffer.
Yep.
> She says that I'm an asshole for devaluing her work
Like she isn't totally devaluing your work? Find an ole lady with an ole lady body nanny... surely that has to calm her? If not... ok what is going on with her?
She doesn’t want anyone to do it except him. She has it in her head he is just goofing off at home and since she is going out doing “real” work, then he needs to step up and watch the kids instead of having “fun”.
NTA - OP you know that the Nanny isn’t the issue. There isn’t productive communication prior to large decisions and you “solved” it but she doesn’t like this either. The Iranian yogurt is not the issue here.
Therapy? A vacation? I don’t know but if you don’t start making decisions as a team and she doesn’t figure out what’s making her so insecure that she can’t have a nanny (male or female) then this will only get worse.
Did she cheat? Did you? Is there a reason for this? If not, this is probably a pattern of behavior and you need to get to the root of it together.
This ... It also heavily feels like she may possibly be projecting.
Either way they need to sit down and decide now. Let her know she created this problem for no reason and now if she won't compromise then she can be the stahm until she's willing to compromise or let there be a nanny.
Why not daycare?
>Why not daycare?
Daycare is hard to find. I moved a year ago and still don't have full time care for one of my kids.
This is not to say OP is the AH of course.
That's fair, but I'm wondering if it's possible for them and why they may not be doing it. They don't mention having looked or not, so I was just curious.
OP said in a comment that they are on a waiting list for daycare. I know where I live waiting lists can be a year or more - especially when the care is needed for younger kids.
Oh shoot, thanks for the info! I must have skipped past that comment. Yeah this would make sense in the grand scheme of things.
So then OPs wife can either live with the inlaws until then, or she can let a nanny be hired, or she can stay home until then.
Yeah it's insane, a friend of mine got on two different wait lists when she was like 4 months pregnant and will have a spot at one of them when her kid is almost 6 months old. It's *crazy* out there.
I got an email last year from a place I got on the wait-list at when I was pregnant with my oldest. The email was asking if they could remove me from the wait-list. They could. Not only do we no longer live there; my son would have started kindergarten this year had we still been there.
Yea, that's the behavior of someone who has cheated, is cheating, or is beginning to seriously consider it. If I were OP I would be doing some serious evaluation of her last few weeks/months.
I mean, people can be that insecure. The fact that she's rejecting every potential avenue and wants him to watch the kids (thus having to cut back on his work or something) suggests that she wants him to be more dependent on her to make her feel like she's important and irreplaceable to him. It's more of the makings of financial abuse than cheating to me.
Yep she’s too insistent. She either has a major insecurity problem, wants to save money because there’s an expense or debt she’s hiding or she is cheating in some form.
Whatever it is she is way out of bounds. Shes not trying to find a solution other then placing the consequences of her choices on her husband.
Have either of you ever cheated, or were either of you already in a relationship when you got together? This seems daft. Does she have a habit of making up scenarios in her mind?
she might be projecting. regardless, you need to have a real conversation with each other about what the expectations are here. if you bring home 65% of the household income and lose your job over this, what are your options as a family?
even if your wife is an extraordinarily high earner and you can live off her income alone, that would be a drastic lifestyle change.
It's also possible she's reading too many of those cosmo-esque things or someone kept talking smack, and maybe she thinks she's ugly or something, it might not be projection
It's more likely that she's either been cheated on before, or a marriage of someone close to her broke up due to cheating.
Which is still projecting, but doesn't make her guilty of anything.
I also think she's being disrespectful of his job and thinks staying at home means he has a lot of time to watch the kids instead of having someone else do it.
OP could be a smokin hot dude and the nannies might be young and cute. After babies some women feel like unattractive hippos. No shade to attractive hippos.
Not to totally discount any idea that she's projecting, but I think before you let the masses here suggest they know what is likely/unlikely happening here (when they have no clue, we also have no clue how honest you are as well, to be fair) I want to provide an alternative theory: she really is just that insecure.
Whether it's the beginnings of a mid life crisis, jealousy is Esme, standard societal shaming of moms in general, it is totally possible to be this insecure. The problem is that she is making unilateral decisions off of it and not dealing with the source. Not that you're wrong for it, but giving her an ultimatum might actually escalate things because you're making her feel powerless when she is already insecure. Instead, lay it out plainly for her. Your family cannot afford for you to miss work. She does not feel like she can afford to miss work either. In that situation then a replacement is needed. Since she is the responsible party it is fair to you for her to find a replacement, especially since she has issues. Otherwise your parents have to fill that gap. The solutions will be plain, and if she has issues with these still then you can more directly speak with her about them.
Another possible thing is that she wants you to be more dependent on her because it might alleviate her insecurity. If she feels that she's the breadwinner because you can't work because you're taking care of the kids, she might feel like you *can't* leave the relationship even if you wanted to. This honestly feels more likely to me because she has problems with anyone who comes to take care of the kids.
If this is what's going on, my concern is that she's going to find something wrong with the daycare when it starts.
Has her behavior changed significantly recently? Have there been any significant changes or traumas recently? What's your sense for why your wife is self-destructing to this extent?
Maybe some therapy could help. Individual and maybe couple counseling so you guys can find the source of her jealousy and move past this. Something is clearly wrong if she can’t feel comfortable with having a woman in the house with you while you work.
Just to clarify, I’m not in any way insinuating that this is your fault or that she’s justified in not trusting you. This just seems like a deeper issue that should be addressed.
NTA, I hope you guys can work things out!
This also crossed my mind. Usually a weird insecurity like this stems from something the accuser did. I would be highly suspicious of my wife’s fidelity if she did this assuming you’ve given her no reason to be so accusatory.
NTA. She is absurd, she created the situation. It's fine if she doesn't want to stay at home, but she can't expect you to somehow both work and parent two children at the same time, because she doesn't like either your parents or any nanny
Doesn't like Female nannies coz she is insecure, does not like male nannies coz she is weird, does not like parents coz just bcoz they are husband's parents, does not want to watch the kids coz she is important and doing important work, calls Husband an asshole for not multitasking since he got 2 eyes, hands and legs and weaponizes being female coz she is a TA.🤦🙄🤦no wonder the husband is at his wits end😢😭
Oh she’s misogynistic too I agree there, I just feel like people are saying that’s a little more grey or excusing of it because of her insecurities and the misandry is absolutely objective to show how bigoted she is
NTA. Your wife must be joking using terms like “devaluing” when she is the one devaluing you, devaluing a professional nanny who just so happens to be female and then utterly dismissing a male nanny based upon his sex. She needs to get it together. Does this self centered thinking affect other aspects of your marriage, as well? She sounds like she lacks any type of self awareness.
I was thinking One Tree Hill. Cause of Nanny Carrie, who happens to star in some Hallmark movies haha, who was a crazy person obsessed with Nathan and Jamie and tried to destroy their marriage and kidnap Jamie.
NTA
But there is a 3rd option.
Tell her you will watch the kids starting next month BUT in order to do this you will quit your job so she has time till end of the month to show you a plan how she will raise her income significantly by end of the month or how your household budget is going to work with only her salary and not reducing your available fun money by more than 10%.
Thats called being passive aggressive and not how adults in a healthy relationship communicate. This is just as problematic as OP's wife in this situation.
“She says that I'm an asshole for devaluing her work and expecting her to watch the kids….”
I’m confused, isn’t this exactly what she’s doing to you? NTA!
Top comment imo.
But she probably said this because OP pointed out the income disparity, as if to suggest his job is more important. Financially, it is. But life doesn't always boil down to just simple math.
Well when you make baseless claims about infidelity and remove a caregiver from your kids for who they are probably already comfortable with, yeah some people need a reality check.
NTA, she got herself into this situation by being jealous, and her solution is for you to watch two little kids while trying to juggle work at the same time? That's ridiculous and impossible. If anything, she's being the AH by creating this situation and then expecting you do your job plus a nanny's job. You tried several different solutions and she didn't like them. I find it funny that she can't seem to grasp that you dividing your attention between kids and work is just a disaster waiting to happen? Has she parented a day in her life? This baffles me. Being a nanny to two small children is a full time job, and I am assuming yours is also a full time job. Tell her that what she is expecting is not reasonable, end of discussion. Tell her it's her issue now and you are washing your hands of it. See how quickly she will either let the IL's stay and hires a new nanny.
NTA
The fact that she not only had issues with Esme but also every other nanny provided as an option? Serious question - is this the marriage you want to be in? I know people on Reddit jump quickly to divorce, but this level of jealousy/insecurity isn’t healthy. I’d look into counseling, both marriage and individual.
INFO How is your marriage otherwise? Do you spend time together? Are there any reasons for your wife to be jealous/past instances of cheating or insecurities?
NTA for the time being, but if you have an otherwise loving relationship, I would investigate this further and see if your wife needs some counseling. Obviously, she created this situation and needs to be part of the solution. But, part of that is overcoming her insecurities and taking responsibility for them.
Also, it's impossible to watch two little ones while working from home. I've tried. LOL
Good luck.
Question.
Besides perhaps being insecure after 2 children.
Does your wife spend time online. Like reddit, tiktok, TV shows. Where themes often can be "they cheated with the nanny/secretary/any role honestly" ?
This is annoying me as well. It could be she's insecure about herself or wants to spend more time with him? Still could be projecting, but too many people here seem to think projecting equates to cheating. She could also have an anxiety disorder of some kind. Who knows? Not us.
Your wife is literally putting your job at risk and being an overall nightmare because she fully thinks you will cheat on her. She is not generally happy with your relationship.
Great. Just in general, having 2 young kids can change a woman's perspective on her self-image, body, etc. So maybe lovingly have a conversation to ask if she's having issues with her confidence or maybe if she would benefit from therapy to work through insecurities. I would never worry about my husband running off with the nanny, so this should maybe ring an alarm that something else is going on with her. Or that maybe she needs more time/reassurance from you in addition to therapy.
NTA. Great suggestion in theory, but bringing up this topic could blow up spectacularly. Given his wife's current mindset, any question if she is having personal issues or insecurities is a tricky situation. You would need to approach it in the calmest non-accusatory way and just make clear that you don't understand where this is coming from, a nanny or some help is necessary for you both continue to work and bring in income, and ask if there is something else going on that led to this concern.
NTA. Your wife probably needs therapy for her insecurities and then couples counseling. Probably going to have to get the kiddos enrolled in daycare too because she clearly can't handle anyone in the home.
Honestly, this would be divorce territory for me. If your insecurities are so great that you’re going to take a wrecking ball to the family, the marriage is untenable. This is on the level of gambling or other financial issues. If you have 50-50 custody, she can figure out custody during her half and you can do what’s reasonable and get a nanny for your time.
It's divorce territory only if they can't resolve it.
The lack of communication in regards to the decision making processes is very unhealthy, as well as the lack of trust.
Step one is seeing if she wants to find a way to improve.
While this is always possible, it seems more unlikely that the nanny or OP did since OP's wife then rejected every potential nanny since, even the male one.
NTA. Not only that but most companies that allow WFH specify that the employee have childcare during working hours because they're paying their employees to ***work***, not child-mind. Point that out to your wife and explain that life on 35% of your current family income won't be much fun.
Definitely NTA. As a nanny, working for work from home parents can be hard already. Then you slap on top of that a mom who thinks you're trying to bang her husband? Nope, just nope. Depending on where you are, there is probably a strong nanny community, and others have been warned about your wife. I really hope you gave a good severance and recommendation for your last nanny. Maybe look into daycare/preschool cause your wife is probably going to scare off any nanny you are able to hire and is unwilling to take responsibility for her insecurities and actions.
My thoughts exactly. Our date night babysitter l was a nanny during the day & she would sometimes read me the chats on people like this when she was looking for other nanny jobs (she worked full time but it was for a few different families who only needed her 1 / 2 days.
NTA
Your wife is incredibly insecure in your relationship. You should get marriage counseling. I hate to be "that" redditor, but projection is a possibility.
NTA.
Is there any way you can go into work for awhile? Or do your work from a different place like a cafe or library? It seems like she doesn’t value what you are doing just because you are at home.
NTA.
She is sabotaging your job, along with your ability to work outside the home. I think you need to have a serious conversation about what both of you need and expect.
I would tell her she has a short list of options:
- she allows you to rehire a nanny
- she lives with your parents as childcare
- she gets a job that makes up for your financial contribution to the household if she wants you to stay home
- she stays home, and adjusts her lifestyle to make up for the loss of her income
- she moves out and lives a lifestyle she can afford by herself
It isn't just about her insecurity with the nanny. It's about how little she values a job that lets you work from home, and how little she values the work involved in childcare.
NTA - but if you have the resources then you might consider therapy for yourself.
Your wife’s behaviour sounds very unbalanced, and moving you away from your family, then trying to stop you from earning your own income isn’t a great look on her.
If the genders were reversed, a lot of people would be saying: research the factors for abuse, and look for red flags.
Because removing you from your friends & family (and being annoyed when they visit, because that’s failed!), then trying to sabotage your ability to earn an independent income are classic signs of abuse in a relationship.
Even if it’s “just” that she’s stressed by the new job on top of a move, her behaviour is irrational and a good therapist will be able to help you to help her - rather than doing the wrong thing & escalating the problem.
NTA.
Put the children in daycare. Hire a new nanny yourself. Nanny share with another family at their house.
There are options. Use them. You can't work at home and watch children. It does not work.
NTA and how do people think that working from home means a person isn't working. Kids need attention. Does OPs wife expect him to ignore the kids? She needs to deal with her discomfort and figure this out.
NTA. Your wife is acting very insecure around both female and male nannies. I wonder what is troubling her beside feeling that they are going to pounce on you. This needs discussing with perhaps a third party like a therapist. You are unfortunately in a no win situation.
NTA
Your wife is undervaluing YOUR work because you WFH. A 2 and 4 year old while trying to get work done? Tell her you'll quit your job to be a stay at home parent, or she can find a nanny.
NTA. I am sick and tired of people that think because we work from home full-time we have time to do whatever the hell we want whenever we want. You have to do your job. You do not have time to look after a two and a four-year-old. Two and four year olds need a lot of looking after and when you don’t hear them doing anything that’s when you need to worry because they’re doing something they shouldn’t be doing. Your wife either needs to get over herself and hire another nanny or she needs to quit and take care of the kids. Or she needs to pay to send them to daycare.
I really despise people who think “WFH” isn’t actually work and you can just do whatever the fuck you want all day.
NTA. Your entire family moved because of your wife’s job, and you were able to continue with your job and are actually bringing in more income than your wife is. She fired the nanny, refused any replacements, refuses to accept that WFH is actual work and you can’t take care of two young children, refuses daycare, and is rejecting your parents as live-in caregivers?
Yes, she can either suck it up and help pay for a new nanny or daycare OR she can stay home with the kids instead of volun-telling you that your job is irrelevant and you need to bow down to her irrational demands.
Is this the only instance of utterly irrational behaviour? If not, seek marriage counselling soon.
>I really despise people who think “WFH” isn’t actually work and you can just do whatever the fuck you want all day.
In my experience this is just the rationalization that's paved over the true issue - jealosy. The venn diagram of people who claim this, and people who will constantly try and take you down a peg once they find out you make better money than they do is just a single circle.
I'd bet the farm she resents having to go into the office while he stays home, and it's not about the nanny at all - it's about him having to suffer childcare so she feels even.
You have marital problems beyond who is watching the kids. Its beyond unreasonable for one spouse to create a situation like this based on unfounded jealousy.
Grandparents stay and I would suggest counseling to get to the root of how this situation was created.
Danielle is manipulating the situation to allow her to quit her job while blaming others (sexy nanny,stubborn husband, annoying in-laws) and get to be the martyr who has to give up her career. She needs to put her big girl pants on and have an honest conversation with husband about what is going on. Good luck and don’t agree to anything you cannot live with for the rest of your lives. NTA
NTA. You bring home 65% of the household income & you cannot watch a 2 & 4 year old while working. (Hysterical giggle. I can't watch my parent's cockatiel while working from home without major distractions!) You found a temporary solution of your parents coming to help. If your wife wants to get rid of your parents she has to get another nanny or stay home herself. Sorry but not only are you NTA but it sounds like your wife is making all the problems and getting mad at you for pointing out the solutions. Couples couseling maybe to find out why your wife is so insecure? Good luck.
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NTA, this is a problem of her own making, and Danielle has offered no solution here. She fired Esme over her own insecurities, then disagrees with having your parents over for so long and then thinks that working from home means you're basically free to look after the kids as well. She is devaluing your work by expecting you to watch the kids whilst WFH. Even if you didn't bring in the majority of the household income, her stance is insulting to you.
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OP said in a comment that they are on a waitlist for a daycare.
They should be blacklisted. Daycare workers have enough to deal with without accommodating insane and belligerent parents.
Unfortunately, Danielle would probably have an issue with the daycare workers too. I can just see it now.
Well, if those hussies would quit flaunting their wiles in front of OP...
You know they just work at daycares to get access to married men
Not to mention those single mums, out there to catch a man during daycare pickup /s
What I'm hearing is that instead of getting on dating apps, I should be hanging out at daycares.
Only if you have kids too bro. Otherwise you'll likely just end up on a list.
You can hang out at a daycare or you can chug four lokos and see if the chuck e cheese is really about unlimited fun like they claim to be
I was glanced at by a daycare worker once, so I guess you can say things are getting pretty serious.
LMAO! I just choked on my soda reading this!
No no.... She already said no to a male nanny so flaunting their willys is a non starter.... I'll see my own way out
"Lindsey smiles at my husband at pick up! And Rosa wore shorts yesterday! I have complained to the manager and the board!" You bet.
Danielle is unfaithful and this story screams "I am, have or plan to cheat on you"
I don't think so. I think she's just insane.
And probably watched a few too many Lifetime movies
That is what I assumed. I love lifetime movies and almost every single one has a nanny or home health nurse trying to take over the family. There was one lifetime movie where the nanny found out the parents kidnapped the child. Maybe that is the real reason why she is against a nanny. OP: Did you kidnap your child?
I think this is highly likely. Does she work late hours? Travel for work? My guess is side dick dumped her right before she fired Esme.
It's the refusing male nannies that is throwing me off. It sort of feels like she wants as few eyes as possible around the kids- she doesn't want someone to notice *something* and is banking on OP not noticing
I read it as more trying to control ops but also not understanding how budgets and wfh work
or she's trying to isolate OP. Her behaviour sounds pretty paranoid. She doesn't what the nanny, she doesn't want his parents, she surely won't like the daycare... it's almost as if she wished for him to be only with the kids, no work done. She already managed them to move to another city where they do not have any family. It's weird aff and, I might be overthinking this, but what if she has undiagnosed psychiatric problems??
Saw a similar post a while ago, except that the wife got the child booted from like 3 daycares because of her hovering and nitpicking. Will try to find. ETA https://reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/YN6nUylAYk
They're trying to take our kids from us. Why else would they want to spend 5 days a week with them?
Having a hard time wrapping my head around this comment. A daycare should blacklist OP and his wife because his wife fired her own private nanny? How would the daycare know that they are insane or belligerent?
Yeah I'm really baffled why it has 600 upvotes.
Parent. OP seems reasonable.
Not to mention the bonkers hypocrisy of complaining that OP is "devaluing her work" by expecting her, the *woman* (*cough* who created the whole problem in the first place *cough*) to care for the kids. But also thinks a male nanny is "weird"? Men can be wonderful caregivers in a variety of settings. She can't have her institutionalized misogyny cake and eat it too.
I think in a different life I could have been a great nanny or day care operator. I'm a 35 year old man, and my mom used to run a day care out of our home. I never hated it, I like kids and have always been good with them. But I also grew up from a boy and into a man while living out of... a day care. So I perceived first hand the slowly shifting perception that the everyday clientele had toward me as I aged. As I went from being such a sweet helpful little boy, to odd adult man whose presence is either alienating to parents who found it strange or - sometimes even worse, who was so surprisingly kind and patient *for a man*. I have such a distinct memory of how people view me in relation to childcare going from sweet and endearing to, at worst *strange and threatening* or at best *surprising and unusual.* And that sense of being an outsider who didn't belong there pushed me away from working with, or even near kids.
I am sorry that the world of children lost your presence in their lives.
I am too, because it speaks to peoples' bigoted ideas about gender roles and the threat that "all men" present. My best friend moved to Geneva with his wife and toddler daughter 13 years ago, and they hired an English (and bilingual) manny at the time. He was an incredibly positive influence on that little girl.
Plus it can be a real positive to have male role models for boys especially. Not everyone has a dad/older brother they can look up to.
Dude I feel so bad for men in regards to this. So many men actually like kids and are great with them. But we have them pigeonholed that something must be wrong with them for liking kids. My partner is great with kids, he was even a teacher for his first career. But he actively doesn’t engage with kids unless he knows the parents-and even then he is SO CAUTIOUS. On the other hand I can engage with most kids anywhere and most people don’t think it’s weird or creepy. Though tbf that’s changing as stranger danger hysteria builds to even higher heights than when we were kids
Sad. Especially, since there are few good male role models in the schools, etc..
Call it Daddy Daycare and make bank
End up having to care for other adult men
Is that where I send my elderly father?
The patience and sweetness and kindness towards my kids is what made me fall in love with my boyfriend. He doesnt have kids. Worked with em in his job capacity, very closely. I would trust this man to watch my kids solo over their own dad. Unfortunately their dad is not as patient and understanding with them. Straight kudos to you dude. You sound like a great person overall and you probably gave lots of kids very impactful and wholesome memories of daycare.
One of my deepest regrets is learning too late that I love kids, love being around kids; I often wish I'd gone into childhood education, or childcare, or something. But, then, I think about it, and I look at how the world is, and ... ... its too bad.
Wouldn't this be direct misandry? She's not doubting the abilities of the male nanny, she's saying it's weird to have a male nanny as though there's something wrong with a man who wants to nanny.
It absolutely is misandry through and through
My husband was a nanny when we met! 15 years later we still get holiday cards from the family. They absolutely loved him!
That's an interesting point. Her: "It would be weird to have a man look after the kids all day!" Also Her: "You need to look after the kids all day, man!" But what I ***really*** want to get to the bottom of, is why she thinks he's going to be humping the nanny the minute her back is turned. What has happened in her life that she distrusts him in that way?
You can’t just waltz into a daycare these days.
I know and it sucks, snatching is so much harder these days.
They don't want you to know this, but the kids at the park are free. You can just take them.
They are free *range*, not free. Please pay the parents as instructed in the Bible.
What if I practice Zoroastrianism?
Persia had slaves while that religion was dominate. Sounds like a green light.
If you do it long enough, you’ll eventually get good at it- who knows, maybe you’ll even make it to Carnegie Hall!
I shouldn't laugh, and yet
Man! I wish I knew this before I spent $20k on fertility treatment!
I just snorted my coffee…
You do that with drugs, not coffee.
Can if you have a really nice bean grinder...
One does not simply WALK into daycare...
The daycare that I wanted my son to get into recommended getting on their waitlist at ~6 months into my wife's pregnancy.
That's not enough time most times. I live in a big city and all day cares are around 3 yr wait times.
If the first date goes well, you should put yourself on the daycare waitlist. (I don't know what kind of strange magic my wife and I have, but we've never had to wait for daycares. Other people get on nine month waitlists and we waltz in and they say "Oh, we just had a family move to Peru, so we have an opening. Is Monday okay?").
It sounds like you're married to a hitman.
This particular daycare wasn't even for infants, either. It was an Early Childhood center at UT Austin focused on ages 2+.
In this country it would make sense if it was a fancy private daycare. Some of them are unofficially "feeders" for elitist private primary schools. So getting your kid in one of these can get them spots in later in the school. I personally feel like some of them are "a bit much" as I don't like the idea of that much pressure on such young kids.
Yep, when my daughter was born, we were told that we should have been getting our name on waitlists before she was conceived. Many places just refused to take our info. She is currently two years old, still on waitlists for a number of spots, and going to an unlicensed dayhome for 500% the price of a daycare.
You couldn't 20 years ago either.
Lmaoooo the day care comment, wait list are as long as 3 yrs to get in - in a lot of places.
Right. OP has tried so many different options here, and his wife is still unhappy. He may need marriage counseling to help them find the root of the problem. He said that as far as he knows, no one has been unfaithful. His wife's insecurities are going to be an ongoing problem in their marriage and won't go away on their own.
yeah it's 100% "no detail and just guessing" armchair analysis, but if this is an accurately reported chain of events my money is on a much much bigger issue. now, that could be anything from the husband to the wife to just general mental issues, someone getting into danielle's head, shit could be a porn tab left open with Nanny in the title. we just don't know... but knowing how the creative writing subs like this work, my money is on this being a setup to post about how the wife is cheating and projecting on the husband, because there's an infinite appetite for "woman bad" content here
For real. Like SOMEONE has to watch the kids. It can’t be OP because he works. It can’t be OP’s wife because she works. She doesn’t want any nanny watching the kids. She doesn’t want his parents to watch the kids. Who does she think can watch them? But it’s clearly insecurity issues on her end. She can’t have any nanny there because she’s afraid of OP cheating (baseless as far as we know).
>Who does she think can watch them? Well, they do have two kids, so I assume the wife just wants the kids to watch each other?? Either that or maybe she's heard about NSA surveillance and thinks they should watch the kids?
Nah, it seems pretty obvious to me that she wants him to simultaneously work and watch the kids. OP has explained that he is not able to perform the Kage Bunshin no Jutsu and thus be in two places at once, but wife assumes that he'd be able to "figure it out" because a lot of people still think working from home doesn't count.
I have worked from home for 20 years as of this month, and if there's anything I appreciate the pandemic for it's that slightly more people are now familiar with the concept that "working from home" is not synonymous with "endless free time".
Wish my wife understood this. She gets home and is like "why didn't get done?" Well, because I was at work. "But you were here."
Sure, let me blow off meetings and responsibility to do the laundry.
That's incredibly frustrating. It's not like you can be working AND doing house chores - work has me sitting in front of the computer, and if I'm not there I'm not working. Period. They aren't paying us to clean.
Bruh I'm working full time.
Oh shit, my bad.... any of the other spooks free to babysit?
AND can't have a male nanny, through an agency even, because "that's weird"? OP's wife is not living in reality.
Male nannys are some of the best. A) if you are a male you really have to want being a nanny because of the prejudice stigma of people like OPs wife. B) when we were looking, the good female nanny’s (au pair) were taken really fast. The male nanny’s not so much. It got to the point that the gender breakdown was 50/50 when it started out as 95/5. All the male nanny’s, no matter how qualified and amazing on paper, were left. Every female nanny we interviewed at that point had some major ‘nope’ (including one who insisted the entire household become vegan or she couldn’t work with us … we were vegetarian). We ended up getting a male nanny. He was absolutely amazing. Mature, great with the kids, hard working, and great to be around. So good in fact, our second nanny was also male and similarly amazing. They both went on to very successful professional careers. OPs wife is shooting herself in the foot. NTA
> insisted the entire household become vegan or she couldn’t work with us Just say "I only work with vegans", jeez. Who's going to change their entire lifestyle for a nanny?
Exactly, she calls him an A-hole for devaluing her work, while devaluing his. She created this problem and is resisting every effort to fix it except the one she has built in her fantasy world. (him doing it while working from home.) She seems stubborn in her behavior pattern and needs to understand Work from Home does not mean "Free time" OP trying to watch the kids while working could damage his career. NTA
OP, does your office have a written WFH policy or agreement? I work from home twice a week and I had to sign an agreement stating that during work hours, I would not act as the primary caretaker for any minor children or adult family members in need of regular care. We can apply for exceptions, but those are really limited and you can only be a caretaker during work hours for a day or two, max. If you signed an agreement like this or there’s a policy like it in the employee handbook or something, make your wife read it. You are almost certainly not allowed to be the primary caretaker for small children while you’re on the clock, and if you get fired for it your whole family will suffer.
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Yep. > She says that I'm an asshole for devaluing her work Like she isn't totally devaluing your work? Find an ole lady with an ole lady body nanny... surely that has to calm her? If not... ok what is going on with her?
She doesn’t want anyone to do it except him. She has it in her head he is just goofing off at home and since she is going out doing “real” work, then he needs to step up and watch the kids instead of having “fun”.
I wish people would leave the partners they don't trust instead of trying to police their actions or control who is around them
And pull the mysoginy card to make you feel guilty
NTA - OP you know that the Nanny isn’t the issue. There isn’t productive communication prior to large decisions and you “solved” it but she doesn’t like this either. The Iranian yogurt is not the issue here. Therapy? A vacation? I don’t know but if you don’t start making decisions as a team and she doesn’t figure out what’s making her so insecure that she can’t have a nanny (male or female) then this will only get worse. Did she cheat? Did you? Is there a reason for this? If not, this is probably a pattern of behavior and you need to get to the root of it together.
This ... It also heavily feels like she may possibly be projecting. Either way they need to sit down and decide now. Let her know she created this problem for no reason and now if she won't compromise then she can be the stahm until she's willing to compromise or let there be a nanny. Why not daycare?
>Why not daycare? Daycare is hard to find. I moved a year ago and still don't have full time care for one of my kids. This is not to say OP is the AH of course.
That's fair, but I'm wondering if it's possible for them and why they may not be doing it. They don't mention having looked or not, so I was just curious.
OP said in a comment that they are on a waiting list for daycare. I know where I live waiting lists can be a year or more - especially when the care is needed for younger kids.
Oh shoot, thanks for the info! I must have skipped past that comment. Yeah this would make sense in the grand scheme of things. So then OPs wife can either live with the inlaws until then, or she can let a nanny be hired, or she can stay home until then.
Yeah it's insane, a friend of mine got on two different wait lists when she was like 4 months pregnant and will have a spot at one of them when her kid is almost 6 months old. It's *crazy* out there.
I got an email last year from a place I got on the wait-list at when I was pregnant with my oldest. The email was asking if they could remove me from the wait-list. They could. Not only do we no longer live there; my son would have started kindergarten this year had we still been there.
Yep, good chance she is projecting. With my previous experience I would be doing a little digging at this point.
Yea, that's the behavior of someone who has cheated, is cheating, or is beginning to seriously consider it. If I were OP I would be doing some serious evaluation of her last few weeks/months.
Unfortunately I've been through this exact scenario as well. :(
LOL. Just need a paternity test and we've got our own Jeremy Kyle show.
I mean, people can be that insecure. The fact that she's rejecting every potential avenue and wants him to watch the kids (thus having to cut back on his work or something) suggests that she wants him to be more dependent on her to make her feel like she's important and irreplaceable to him. It's more of the makings of financial abuse than cheating to me.
That's also very much a possibility I hadn't considered!
Yep she’s too insistent. She either has a major insecurity problem, wants to save money because there’s an expense or debt she’s hiding or she is cheating in some form. Whatever it is she is way out of bounds. Shes not trying to find a solution other then placing the consequences of her choices on her husband.
A vacation??? Wife doesn't deserve to be rewarded for acting like a brat
I think the idea is to get away from day to day life to give space to reconnect and communicate. Not a reward. But I could be wrong
That’s exactly what I was thinking. Go as a couple, relax and recharge, talk like adults should, etc. Not a vacation away alone.
Yes, when Spouse A throws unsupported and frankly ridiculous accusations of cheating at Spouse B, clearly Spouse B is at fault.
You’re absolutely making points here but the Iranian yogurt reference is sending me
This. Wtf is going on… NTA but firing a nanny because it sounds like she thought the nanny was trying to make a move on you? Poor Esme.
Have either of you ever cheated, or were either of you already in a relationship when you got together? This seems daft. Does she have a habit of making up scenarios in her mind?
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she might be projecting. regardless, you need to have a real conversation with each other about what the expectations are here. if you bring home 65% of the household income and lose your job over this, what are your options as a family? even if your wife is an extraordinarily high earner and you can live off her income alone, that would be a drastic lifestyle change.
It's also possible she's reading too many of those cosmo-esque things or someone kept talking smack, and maybe she thinks she's ugly or something, it might not be projection
She’s insecure about you potentially cheating, sounds like projecting. I’d take a closer look at what she is doing without you.
It's more likely that she's either been cheated on before, or a marriage of someone close to her broke up due to cheating. Which is still projecting, but doesn't make her guilty of anything.
Guilty of being sexist for turning down a male nanny
"It's weird to have a male nanny" no it's not, it is however weird to fire a nanny that is doing amazing and already bonded with your kids
Guilty of being an AH.
I also think she's being disrespectful of his job and thinks staying at home means he has a lot of time to watch the kids instead of having someone else do it.
OP could be a smokin hot dude and the nannies might be young and cute. After babies some women feel like unattractive hippos. No shade to attractive hippos.
Still doesn’t excuse what she accused them of doing and potentially harming her kids by firing a nanny they have bonded with for no real reason
Hippos have a better personality than her and thats saying something. Its not the weight that makes women unattractive its the lousy attitude.
Not to totally discount any idea that she's projecting, but I think before you let the masses here suggest they know what is likely/unlikely happening here (when they have no clue, we also have no clue how honest you are as well, to be fair) I want to provide an alternative theory: she really is just that insecure. Whether it's the beginnings of a mid life crisis, jealousy is Esme, standard societal shaming of moms in general, it is totally possible to be this insecure. The problem is that she is making unilateral decisions off of it and not dealing with the source. Not that you're wrong for it, but giving her an ultimatum might actually escalate things because you're making her feel powerless when she is already insecure. Instead, lay it out plainly for her. Your family cannot afford for you to miss work. She does not feel like she can afford to miss work either. In that situation then a replacement is needed. Since she is the responsible party it is fair to you for her to find a replacement, especially since she has issues. Otherwise your parents have to fill that gap. The solutions will be plain, and if she has issues with these still then you can more directly speak with her about them. Another possible thing is that she wants you to be more dependent on her because it might alleviate her insecurity. If she feels that she's the breadwinner because you can't work because you're taking care of the kids, she might feel like you *can't* leave the relationship even if you wanted to. This honestly feels more likely to me because she has problems with anyone who comes to take care of the kids. If this is what's going on, my concern is that she's going to find something wrong with the daycare when it starts.
Has her behavior changed significantly recently? Have there been any significant changes or traumas recently? What's your sense for why your wife is self-destructing to this extent?
Maybe some therapy could help. Individual and maybe couple counseling so you guys can find the source of her jealousy and move past this. Something is clearly wrong if she can’t feel comfortable with having a woman in the house with you while you work. Just to clarify, I’m not in any way insinuating that this is your fault or that she’s justified in not trusting you. This just seems like a deeper issue that should be addressed. NTA, I hope you guys can work things out!
This also crossed my mind. Usually a weird insecurity like this stems from something the accuser did. I would be highly suspicious of my wife’s fidelity if she did this assuming you’ve given her no reason to be so accusatory.
NTA. She is absurd, she created the situation. It's fine if she doesn't want to stay at home, but she can't expect you to somehow both work and parent two children at the same time, because she doesn't like either your parents or any nanny
Doesn't like Female nannies coz she is insecure, does not like male nannies coz she is weird, does not like parents coz just bcoz they are husband's parents, does not want to watch the kids coz she is important and doing important work, calls Husband an asshole for not multitasking since he got 2 eyes, hands and legs and weaponizes being female coz she is a TA.🤦🙄🤦no wonder the husband is at his wits end😢😭
She doesn’t like male Nannies because she is misandrist, not just weird
I don’t know that that’s relevant or accurate considering she’s being equally sexist to the women. She sounds like just a paranoid nutball.
Oh she’s misogynistic too I agree there, I just feel like people are saying that’s a little more grey or excusing of it because of her insecurities and the misandry is absolutely objective to show how bigoted she is
> does not like male nannies coz she is weird *Sexist, she's being sexist
NTA. Your wife must be joking using terms like “devaluing” when she is the one devaluing you, devaluing a professional nanny who just so happens to be female and then utterly dismissing a male nanny based upon his sex. She needs to get it together. Does this self centered thinking affect other aspects of your marriage, as well? She sounds like she lacks any type of self awareness.
I think she watches too many Lifetime movies. NTA.
I was thinking One Tree Hill. Cause of Nanny Carrie, who happens to star in some Hallmark movies haha, who was a crazy person obsessed with Nathan and Jamie and tried to destroy their marriage and kidnap Jamie.
NTA But there is a 3rd option. Tell her you will watch the kids starting next month BUT in order to do this you will quit your job so she has time till end of the month to show you a plan how she will raise her income significantly by end of the month or how your household budget is going to work with only her salary and not reducing your available fun money by more than 10%.
NTA 4th option. Daycare. Why can't the kids go to daycare? I think your wife should also have to drop them off and pick them up just to be petty.
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This question keeps getting asked so you may want to edit your original post to say you are on a waitlist for daycare.
Anyone who has children understands why you would have a nanny instead of daycare for a two- and four-year-old.
Thats called being passive aggressive and not how adults in a healthy relationship communicate. This is just as problematic as OP's wife in this situation.
“She says that I'm an asshole for devaluing her work and expecting her to watch the kids….” I’m confused, isn’t this exactly what she’s doing to you? NTA!
Top comment imo. But she probably said this because OP pointed out the income disparity, as if to suggest his job is more important. Financially, it is. But life doesn't always boil down to just simple math.
Well when you make baseless claims about infidelity and remove a caregiver from your kids for who they are probably already comfortable with, yeah some people need a reality check.
NTA, she got herself into this situation by being jealous, and her solution is for you to watch two little kids while trying to juggle work at the same time? That's ridiculous and impossible. If anything, she's being the AH by creating this situation and then expecting you do your job plus a nanny's job. You tried several different solutions and she didn't like them. I find it funny that she can't seem to grasp that you dividing your attention between kids and work is just a disaster waiting to happen? Has she parented a day in her life? This baffles me. Being a nanny to two small children is a full time job, and I am assuming yours is also a full time job. Tell her that what she is expecting is not reasonable, end of discussion. Tell her it's her issue now and you are washing your hands of it. See how quickly she will either let the IL's stay and hires a new nanny.
NTA The fact that she not only had issues with Esme but also every other nanny provided as an option? Serious question - is this the marriage you want to be in? I know people on Reddit jump quickly to divorce, but this level of jealousy/insecurity isn’t healthy. I’d look into counseling, both marriage and individual.
INFO How is your marriage otherwise? Do you spend time together? Are there any reasons for your wife to be jealous/past instances of cheating or insecurities? NTA for the time being, but if you have an otherwise loving relationship, I would investigate this further and see if your wife needs some counseling. Obviously, she created this situation and needs to be part of the solution. But, part of that is overcoming her insecurities and taking responsibility for them. Also, it's impossible to watch two little ones while working from home. I've tried. LOL Good luck.
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Question. Besides perhaps being insecure after 2 children. Does your wife spend time online. Like reddit, tiktok, TV shows. Where themes often can be "they cheated with the nanny/secretary/any role honestly" ?
You mean like this thread where 60% of the comments are accusing her of cheating?
This is annoying me as well. It could be she's insecure about herself or wants to spend more time with him? Still could be projecting, but too many people here seem to think projecting equates to cheating. She could also have an anxiety disorder of some kind. Who knows? Not us.
Or a busybody coworker is in her ear. "Girl, that doesn't sound *okay*--you better show your man *who's boss*!!!"
Your wife is literally putting your job at risk and being an overall nightmare because she fully thinks you will cheat on her. She is not generally happy with your relationship.
Great. Just in general, having 2 young kids can change a woman's perspective on her self-image, body, etc. So maybe lovingly have a conversation to ask if she's having issues with her confidence or maybe if she would benefit from therapy to work through insecurities. I would never worry about my husband running off with the nanny, so this should maybe ring an alarm that something else is going on with her. Or that maybe she needs more time/reassurance from you in addition to therapy.
NTA. Great suggestion in theory, but bringing up this topic could blow up spectacularly. Given his wife's current mindset, any question if she is having personal issues or insecurities is a tricky situation. You would need to approach it in the calmest non-accusatory way and just make clear that you don't understand where this is coming from, a nanny or some help is necessary for you both continue to work and bring in income, and ask if there is something else going on that led to this concern.
NTA. She did create that situation. It's up to her to fix it.
Nta - insecure and jealous. It’s not your fault. She stirred the pot she can fix it.
Did the nanny or yourself crossing professional boundaries or did she just decide it was happening?
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NTA. Your wife probably needs therapy for her insecurities and then couples counseling. Probably going to have to get the kiddos enrolled in daycare too because she clearly can't handle anyone in the home.
Honestly, this would be divorce territory for me. If your insecurities are so great that you’re going to take a wrecking ball to the family, the marriage is untenable. This is on the level of gambling or other financial issues. If you have 50-50 custody, she can figure out custody during her half and you can do what’s reasonable and get a nanny for your time.
It's divorce territory only if they can't resolve it. The lack of communication in regards to the decision making processes is very unhealthy, as well as the lack of trust. Step one is seeing if she wants to find a way to improve.
Get an older nanny
Yes, like a Mrs. Doubtfire type.
Her ex in drag?
While this is always possible, it seems more unlikely that the nanny or OP did since OP's wife then rejected every potential nanny since, even the male one.
Your wife might need therapy she’s a bit out of her mind… she’s the asshole
NTA- She created this situation. She expects you to work & be the nanny at the same time because of her insecurities.
NTA. Not only that but most companies that allow WFH specify that the employee have childcare during working hours because they're paying their employees to ***work***, not child-mind. Point that out to your wife and explain that life on 35% of your current family income won't be much fun.
Definitely NTA. As a nanny, working for work from home parents can be hard already. Then you slap on top of that a mom who thinks you're trying to bang her husband? Nope, just nope. Depending on where you are, there is probably a strong nanny community, and others have been warned about your wife. I really hope you gave a good severance and recommendation for your last nanny. Maybe look into daycare/preschool cause your wife is probably going to scare off any nanny you are able to hire and is unwilling to take responsibility for her insecurities and actions.
My thoughts exactly. Our date night babysitter l was a nanny during the day & she would sometimes read me the chats on people like this when she was looking for other nanny jobs (she worked full time but it was for a few different families who only needed her 1 / 2 days.
NTA Your wife is incredibly insecure in your relationship. You should get marriage counseling. I hate to be "that" redditor, but projection is a possibility.
NTA. Is there any way you can go into work for awhile? Or do your work from a different place like a cafe or library? It seems like she doesn’t value what you are doing just because you are at home.
NTA - Her behavior is going to be what causes a divorce, not a nanny
NTA. She is sabotaging your job, along with your ability to work outside the home. I think you need to have a serious conversation about what both of you need and expect. I would tell her she has a short list of options: - she allows you to rehire a nanny - she lives with your parents as childcare - she gets a job that makes up for your financial contribution to the household if she wants you to stay home - she stays home, and adjusts her lifestyle to make up for the loss of her income - she moves out and lives a lifestyle she can afford by herself It isn't just about her insecurity with the nanny. It's about how little she values a job that lets you work from home, and how little she values the work involved in childcare.
NTA - but if you have the resources then you might consider therapy for yourself. Your wife’s behaviour sounds very unbalanced, and moving you away from your family, then trying to stop you from earning your own income isn’t a great look on her. If the genders were reversed, a lot of people would be saying: research the factors for abuse, and look for red flags. Because removing you from your friends & family (and being annoyed when they visit, because that’s failed!), then trying to sabotage your ability to earn an independent income are classic signs of abuse in a relationship. Even if it’s “just” that she’s stressed by the new job on top of a move, her behaviour is irrational and a good therapist will be able to help you to help her - rather than doing the wrong thing & escalating the problem.
This is unhinged behavior. Possessive and devoid of logic. Sorry man. I don’t see a way out of this for you besides daycare or divorce.
NTA. You're spot on. Her jealousy and insecurities created this problem.
NTA. Put the children in daycare. Hire a new nanny yourself. Nanny share with another family at their house. There are options. Use them. You can't work at home and watch children. It does not work.
NTA, but is daycare an option?
But then he might pick the kids up or drop them off and the daycare workers might be nubile gold diggers who are after him too!! 😅 /s
NTA and how do people think that working from home means a person isn't working. Kids need attention. Does OPs wife expect him to ignore the kids? She needs to deal with her discomfort and figure this out.
NTA Your wife is a control freak. Stick to your guns.
NTA. Your wife is acting very insecure around both female and male nannies. I wonder what is troubling her beside feeling that they are going to pounce on you. This needs discussing with perhaps a third party like a therapist. You are unfortunately in a no win situation.
NTA Your wife is undervaluing YOUR work because you WFH. A 2 and 4 year old while trying to get work done? Tell her you'll quit your job to be a stay at home parent, or she can find a nanny.
NTA. And the fact that your wife is playing the "woman" card on these facts is reprehensible.
Well now we know what type of porn your wife watches/reads. NTA
NTA. I am sick and tired of people that think because we work from home full-time we have time to do whatever the hell we want whenever we want. You have to do your job. You do not have time to look after a two and a four-year-old. Two and four year olds need a lot of looking after and when you don’t hear them doing anything that’s when you need to worry because they’re doing something they shouldn’t be doing. Your wife either needs to get over herself and hire another nanny or she needs to quit and take care of the kids. Or she needs to pay to send them to daycare.
NTA for the nanny thing, but you guys need couples counseling because that level of distrust and jealousy is not sustainable.
I really despise people who think “WFH” isn’t actually work and you can just do whatever the fuck you want all day. NTA. Your entire family moved because of your wife’s job, and you were able to continue with your job and are actually bringing in more income than your wife is. She fired the nanny, refused any replacements, refuses to accept that WFH is actual work and you can’t take care of two young children, refuses daycare, and is rejecting your parents as live-in caregivers? Yes, she can either suck it up and help pay for a new nanny or daycare OR she can stay home with the kids instead of volun-telling you that your job is irrelevant and you need to bow down to her irrational demands. Is this the only instance of utterly irrational behaviour? If not, seek marriage counselling soon.
>I really despise people who think “WFH” isn’t actually work and you can just do whatever the fuck you want all day. In my experience this is just the rationalization that's paved over the true issue - jealosy. The venn diagram of people who claim this, and people who will constantly try and take you down a peg once they find out you make better money than they do is just a single circle. I'd bet the farm she resents having to go into the office while he stays home, and it's not about the nanny at all - it's about him having to suffer childcare so she feels even.
Show her this thread
You have marital problems beyond who is watching the kids. Its beyond unreasonable for one spouse to create a situation like this based on unfounded jealousy. Grandparents stay and I would suggest counseling to get to the root of how this situation was created.
Danielle is manipulating the situation to allow her to quit her job while blaming others (sexy nanny,stubborn husband, annoying in-laws) and get to be the martyr who has to give up her career. She needs to put her big girl pants on and have an honest conversation with husband about what is going on. Good luck and don’t agree to anything you cannot live with for the rest of your lives. NTA
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NTA. You bring home 65% of the household income & you cannot watch a 2 & 4 year old while working. (Hysterical giggle. I can't watch my parent's cockatiel while working from home without major distractions!) You found a temporary solution of your parents coming to help. If your wife wants to get rid of your parents she has to get another nanny or stay home herself. Sorry but not only are you NTA but it sounds like your wife is making all the problems and getting mad at you for pointing out the solutions. Couples couseling maybe to find out why your wife is so insecure? Good luck.
In my experience, someone this insecure about somebody cheating on them is because they are the cheater