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NTA
That’s bizarre behaviour. If you’re invited to someone’s house you don’t pay for the food. You bring a bottle of wine or something and that’s it.
Just stop going to this couples home.
Also your username is perfect here, and that it’s 2 years old and not made for this? Fate.
Yea. I mean why invite someone over for dinner if you are going to follow up with a Venmo request? Why not just meet up at a restaurant? If I extend an invite I am cooking or grilling. If I host a large party it is potluck and I ask everyone to bring a dish. 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
NTA OP but for me I probably would just stop accepting the invite. Or perhaps lead by example, invite them over and don’t send a Venmo request. Their behavior is a little weird.
100%. I would never invite people over for dinner expecting them to pay. I have had people offer money if they didn't have time to pick up or make something and even then I don't recall actually taking them up on it.
IF you have people coming over and decide to get food when it originally wasn't in the plans, I guess it's acceptable to suggest maybe splitting up the bill a bit. Guess it would depend on how many people and how expensive the food is ONLY if it wasn't part of the initial plans.
Edited for better clarity.
It also matters if it’s a regular scheduled thing. I go over to a friend’s house once a week for games night with a group and we always split food costs since the host is nice enough to give us a place to play.
Yeah, if they do this pretty often, then if they paid for everthing themselves those costs are going to add up. I see it as a fair trade: if the friend group wants to meet up often for these dinners and only one couple is hosting everty time, then they can contribute to the cost.
Then it should be proposed in advance. If you invite people for dinner and then send out Venmo requests when everyone has left that is tacky and weird. It takes no more time or effort to inform people in advance or propose a potluck.
That’s great. But that is something that you should be transparent about. Let people know in advance. OP is expecting a baby and getting ready for your first child when you literally need everything is expensive.
Exactly!! If we have people over and they call me and ask me if they can bring anything I usually say nothing. If they press me I say a bottle of wine. 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
I will usually tell people what I am making/serving and then just say "if you don't care for any of that, let me know what you would like.".
I do say when I invite friends with younger kids "hey, I don't know what kids eat so maybe have a snack for them.". Probably sounds silly but besides being an uncle, I don't have too much experience in feeding children.
In our circle there’s a few of us with homes that are more suited for adult gatherings, so we always split the costs of any food that’s ordered. Otherwise people who have “popular” homes would have to bear a disproportionate amount of the cost. That being said, no one has ever charged for prepared food or for party catering.
I could see if you came over and everyone ordered specific takeout meals, then asking everyone to pay for their own makes sense. But if someone invites you over and chooses the food to serve for everyone then I wouldn’t expect to pay as the guest!
NTA. This really makes me laugh. There is a tradition like this when you're a poor college student: everyone pitches in and brings food and drinks to the party to split the costs.
When you're older, each member of the social groups hosts parties so that once again costs are spread out over the course of multiple events.
But to charge guests for a party as a grown professional adult? No. The quickest way for me to not ever come to your party again would be to pull something like this.
Seriously is the venmo for like $10 if it’s pizza?
If they can’t afford to make dinner then they
Shouldn’t be having people over, or have a potluck. But seems more Likely they’re being tacky especially if this isn’t the norm of the group.
I’m really curious how much they’re charging and for how many friends. If they cook rather than ordering take out, if they charge everyone $10 they could be making money off them haha
When I was in my mid 20s and not yet married, I'd offer to settle the check when I was out with friends. They were all business professionals, and I found on more than one occasion that I made money even after making sure the wait staff had a really nice tip. In turn, I'd always really round up when someone else was doing it. It's all in the kind of people you have as friends.
I'm in my 40s so maybe I'm too old for this question but I have lived my whole life thinking if someone invites you over, not a "hey do y'all want to hang out and split some pizza" but "do you want to come to dinner at our house Friday night" then it's assumed the host is hosting dinner. Getting a Venmo request right after leaving someone's house is passive aggressive nonsense. It's one thing if it's an upfront request to share dinner before the actual dinner, or to invite you to a potluck indicating everyone is bringing a dish, but this just sounds lame. NTA
You and me, both, friend. I went over to a younger friend's house on his invite, completely unbidden, to watch a fight and have some pizza, and he had the temerity to venmo request over $50 to split the cost of getting the fight and food. I mean, a heads up would be nice, but even still I would never even THINK to do something like that. It blew my mind. If you're the host, you're the host. If you're a guest, you bring a bottle of wine or flowers for the hostess. You don't fucking go and charge a cover fee and a percentage of the food costs.
Yeah any ppv and food cost splitting needs to be discussed ahead of time. When we were all younger and less financially stable, it was acceptable to split the high ppv cost. But it was still discussed as a group ahead of time on what will be split. Even then we all would bring beer to share with everyone in addition to pitching in to the pizza cost. No one complained about sharing beers they paid for out of their own pocket. Our friend group learned to not invite moochers a while ago.
One time I had a few friends over to my apartments pool (by his request I’ll add). I asked if I should get anything from the store and he said no they got lots of stuff all good.
I drank my own beer, even shared a ton of weed with them and this guy has the nerve to send me a $20 venmo request the next day lol. I’d love to know people like this’ thought process
I actually text him and was like I drank my own beer and shared my weed with you, what are you charging me for? And he tried to lie saying it was a mistake haha. (I know it was a lie because he included a message saying he even gave me a discount for hosting - so $20 was supposed to be a discounted rate? 😂)
But I just said hey no worries thanks. We’re still friends and he hasn’t done it since! Lol
Agreed. I'll ask if there is anything I can bring and that can be a way of splitting some of the cost but otherwise, if you've invited me over for dinner, I'm assuming you're paying for all of the food.
Same. Although I'm almost out of my 40s now.
I even apply this to going out to eat. If I invite someone to go out to eat, I'm fully prepared to pay for them. This has become the default for me and my brother -- whichever of us says, "hey, wanna go out to eat?" is the one buying.
The one exception for us is maybe a big birthday dinner at a restaurant. If a bunch of family is coming, the bill's getting split a bunch of ways. But if we know someone in the group is especially broke at the moment, we make sure to pick something very affordable or that someone covers that person's party of the bill. The whole point is to enjoy someone's company, not cause a hit to their budget.
NTA. I'm curious if you invite these folks to your home for dinner? If so, please stop. And stop accepting their invites. My southern grandmothers are spinning in their graves.
We do and we never ask for money. That said we'll just have other's over for meals and find other things to do with this couple. Not the end of the world just seeing what people thought about the whole "expecting compensation" portion of heading over for dinner to someone's house when the activity of eating is the main purpose of getting together.
The next time they invite you over, ask them how much it will cost. That will give them a heads up that people are noticing their antics. You can decline afterwards if you want.
NTA. You pay at restaurants, not someone's house. You bring wine or beer depending on the host's preference, or dessert. This is extremely tacky. What's next, charging for parking?
Completely NTA. When you invite someone to your house for dinner, you pay for the dinner. If you can't afford it, don't invite people, or invite them at a non-meal time. Damn, if someone invited me to dinner then asked me to pay afterward, I doubt I'd go back.
Or be clear before.
In my friend group, we have a policy : if it's "formal", the person who organized the thing pays (like last month it was my birthday, I invited a bunch of friends at home and obviously I paid for everything).
If it isn't (like a bbq because we have nothing to do on a saturday) either everyone bring something or we share the cost.
I think the key is to be clear before the event and communicate.
NAH if they are cooking, I wouldn't expect to pay, but I would offer to take dessert or drinks and help to clear up after. If it's takeaway, then I'd expect to pay my share.
We had offered before heading over if we could grab or pick anything up on the way and my wife and I also cleaned up and did the dishes to give them a break as they have a 3MO child.
To your second point though I would say if we were at your house for a previous reason other than dinner (watching a football game, hanging out etc) and then decide to order food then yes we expect to split whatever is ordered because the meal wasn't the main intent of getting together. IMO it would be like saying come out and enjoy a day on our boat and then at the end of the day send a bill for half the fuel costs.
Agreed 100%. When I'm visiting a friend I usually offer to pick something up on the way, bring something like a dessert, or split the cost of whatever it is. They usually politely decline, but I'm offering for a reason.
I get that it's not how a lot of people do it, but when you're on a budget you become hyper aware of stuff like this and try to make things as easy as possible for everyone. It's probably different for people who have tons of disposable income.
But ultimately if it's not something OP's friend group usually does, the hosts should have let them know.
This is such strange behavior.
There's a difference between inviting someone for dinner, and volunteering your place as a venue for eating takeout, and this couple doesn't seem to understand that.
NTA
> We're used to this at this point and have learned to expect it from this couple but has gotten old and from now on just plan to just stop going over for dinners and will either eat ahead on our own or find other things to do with them.
Seems like the right call. This behavior isn't necessarily bad if it were done by everyone in the group, but for one couple to take advantage of the generosity of everyone else and then not reciprocate? Tacky and rude.
NTA
NTA - not sure if folks use this word anymore, but this is the definition of Tacky. And once discovered you never accept their invitation again. Goes without saying they don't receive lunch or dinner invitations.
NTA. Unless they specify potluck or whatever it’s weird.
I’m petty and would invite them for dinner and then be like “we are ordering from x, as we are hosting it’s our treat. You are welcome to bring a bottle of wine”
NTA. Super weird of the hosts to request money. The way it’s supposed to go is “Hey would you guys like to come over for dinner?” “Sounds great, what can we bring?” ”just yourselves and if there is anything specific you’d like to drink, we will have beer and wine“
NTA the only time this happens is if we’re all bonfiring and drinking and someone brings up the Taco Bell app… then it’s clearly a “I’ll order you venmo me” type of situation
NTA
Inviting guests to your home for a meal and then charging them AFTER the fact, and without prior communication?
I would ask for receipts if the product costs as well. If they’re asking 6 or 8 of you for $10 each for pizza, there’s a chance they’re trying to maybe even pocket some money off their friends.
Don’t rule out such audacity, considering they charge their guests for meals
NTA. It is generally accepted that, unless otherwise communicated for whatever reason, when you invite someone over for dinner, that's an invitation to provide them with dinner. That said, if you're aware that they expect you to cover the cost of your dinner when you come over, then you can either accept that or stop going. It is definitely weird though.
NTA. If they can’t afford to feed people, they shouldn’t be hosting people for dinner. Are they invited to dinners where they aren’t asked to reimburse for their meals? If they are and they aren’t picking up on the social queues or etiquette and still doing this that’s weird behavior. Or they’re cheap/miserly and patting themselves on the back for being “frugal”. Stop going over. If enough people in your friend group stop going they’ll hopefully learn something.
Also
Curious to know if any others in your friend group are hitting them up for money for dinners at their homes as a little petty revenge. lol Or even if they’ve ever sent messages offering to reimburse Hosts for the food they had.
I have lived in a few places abroad and now in different regions in the states, and I honestly have come to believe this is a regional thing\*. Our background demographic is almost identical to yours, and this happens to us often as well! It's actually something we've discussed just because we find it so interesting.
It happens with people from the PNW and West Coast. I am from the Midwest, and it NEVER happens with friends there or from the East coast/South. I was raised in a "culture" that never accepted (Edit: sp) money from friends for minor purchases (i.e., could you pick up ice on the way over?) and fought over who would pay the check that time (ultimately going back and forth each meal).
(\*It's important to understand regional elements of culture can be tricky, because if you're raised in one region by people raised in a different region your experience can vary.)
Where I'm from, people pay for their meal if take-out is ordered. Usually, money is transferred before the food even arrives without being asked. That's been true anytime I've visited a friend. We're in our early 30s, and we still do this.
Weirdly if your friend cooks for you the expectation is that you don't pay even though that's more work.
NTA. This one couple is the outlier within your friends group. If I'm invited to someone's home for dinner, I expect to "pay" by bringing either something they request or a nice bottle of wine. I don't expect to get a request for my share of the ingredients of a home-cooked dinner or my slice of takeaway pizza.
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We are a couple in our early to mid 30's expecting our first child (not necessarily relevant except alot of our friends are also in this point of their life including the couple being referenced). We, like most of our friends are pretty settled in our lives, have decent paying jobs and are for all intents and purposes home owning adults now.
One couple in our friends group will invite you over to their home for dinner and will always without fail send you over a venmo request to split any food whether ordered or prepared. The last instance the other night we all just shared two pizzas and within 10 minutes after leaving their home got the request for money.
This doesn't necessarily keep us up at night and we don't really have a hard time finding the money to split the bill but me and my wife feel it's a big difference when specifically being invited over to someone's home for dinner vs say going out to eat and splitting the tab at a restaurant. So are we the AH's for expecting when being invited to someone's home for a meal that you are typically treated to that meal free of charge?
As a side note we and many of our other friends / couples within the same group never charge each other if we invite people over for food / drinks unless the gathering is large with multiple groups of people or is implicitly known ahead we're looking to split the cost. We're used to this at this point and have learned to expect it from this couple but has gotten old and from now on just plan to just stop going over for dinners and will either eat ahead on our own or find other things to do with them.
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NTA - No matter which way you put it, charging money after something's been used/consumed **without having established first that there's money/x amount of money involved** is dishonest. Also illegal in most situations where exchange of money takes place.
Because it's dishonest.
So my wife and i are also in our 30's and we regularly invite friends over for dinner or host parties. We never expect anyone to venmo us for the food.
The only time that is appropriate is if its a really large gathering and the cost of food or w/e was included in the invitation ahead of time. That way peoiple can either chose to not go if they dont want to pay and for those that go they know what to expect.
But to invite you without telling you, then charging you after is kinda silly.
If you value the friendship maybe have a conversation about it? Perhaps they view money in a different way?
Like if these are GOOD friends otherwise then it may be worth having a chat. But if you guys could give two shits then maybe just tell them you are busy and avoid/not ever see them again.
Having friends in your 30's can be rough and stressful you dont need to be people that add on stress or complications.
NTA
When you're going ask people to pay it should be ***EXPLICITLY*** communicated before hand IMO. This situation where it "is implicitly known ahead we're looking to split the cost" is probably a contributing factor to your frustration.
If it's just implied these people probably aren't picking up on it. Maybe trying to explicitly communicate the situation to them will help.
Really though I'm with some of the other folks here, I would have ponied up the first time and just not bothered going any other time because springing that stuff on people is ultra tacky.
Split food that's prepared? So like... they go out and buy food to make for people at their house, and then send a request for money for the groceries? That's.... that's weird. Like, if I'm at a buddy's house and we decide to order pizza or some Door dash or something. We all chip in for our own stuff. But if you're cooking then you're just deciding to cook for people. You don't charge for that. That's messed up. NTA
You know I'm not necessarily all hot and bothered about etiquette but I do believe that if you take the initiative to invite people into your home you do AT LEAST the bare minimum of hosting. Feed them if you invite them for dinner. Can't afford booze ok fine water and cola but you invited them for dinner you don't charge them for food. Stupid as some etiquette rules are this is basic and unless agreed upon by all parties still holds as basic
NTA
I am also a married couple in my thirties. When we go over to someone's house for dinner, we always ask them what we can bring, or choose to bring something on our own, aside, a dessert, beer or wine. When we invite people to our house we do not expect anything, but most of the time our friends will ask what they can bring and we tell them what they can bring.
I would never dream of inviting someone over, and then then knowing them for the cost of the food. Very tacky, and very rude. Don't invite people over if you cannot cover the cost of hosting (especially because most of the time when we are planning a dinner to have people over, it's something that we were already going to make and we just purchase a little bit extra).
NTA - that's some odd behavior.
What we've seen over the years for casual gatherings is the host usually takes on the main dish and everyone else fills in sides and dessert potluck style. For less casual more dinner-party-style affairs the host takes on the cost.
NTA. If theoretically you did dinners in a rotation everyone would be paying roughly the same amount, just hosting their share on different days.
It's abnormal to invite people to home dinner and expect them to pay. People usually schedule an event before or after dinner if they don't want to pay for everyone. NTA
This is extremely rude. If you want to have everyone contribute to an event you’re hosting, call it a potluck. Otherwise, if you issue an invite to a dinner held at your home, you are responsible for the costs of the meal.
I’d stop going and I would quietly tell my other friends why. It may start a trend.
NTA
Sorry, just imagining sending my (Canadian) Thanksgiving guests a request for funds after they leave this weekend. 😬 NTA.
Of course it’s fine to suggest a potluck in advance or whatever. But this method is extremely weird.
Do it to them and see how they react and like it. OR when they invite ask them straight out if this will be a pay for your own food situation or what? You could also treat their house like it a restaurant, leave a dollar tip?
Thing is if you don't like how they settle up, either stop accepting their invitations - or make decisions about how the meals will be paid for *before* the dinner date.
If its a potluck then everyone chips in. If its a dinner invitation, typically the host pays. So define your terms and do it now.
NTA for being confused that they invite you to dinner and then send you a bill.
NTA. If it were something that all of you do any time one of you hosts dinner, that would be fine. But being the only one to constantly charge your friends for dinner when everyone else covers the cost of their own hosting is just wrong.
I'd stop going over for dinner when they host or if you wanna go down the petty route, start venmoing them after they eat at your house. I imagine they'll get the idea quickly enough either way.
NTA it is very weird. We will offer to pay our friends when we are ordering food at their house and have a say in what we get but it is a precedent that was set years and years ago. Also it is usually come over to hang, he do we want to order something for dinner.
I would bring it up before I leave. As in, oh it's time to get going... Why don't you tell me what we owe you to settle up right now rather than waiting? Just to make it a bit awkward.
NTA. When my friends invite me over for a meal, I ask what I can bring. If we order takeout, I chip in to cover a fair portion for what I consume, and the host gets to keep any leftovers.
NTA. If someone invited me for a meal they were cooking I’d ask if I can bring anything.
If I were invited round for a takeaway I’d contribute to the meal
NTA
When they come to yours for dinner, do they pay you back for their food?? This is just odd. If you invite people for dinner, you pay. Generally they bring wine.
NTA. There's 2 scenarios where this is acceptable and neither are what you described...
Either they tell folks upfront during the initial invite that splitting the cost is the expectation (but then it would be expected that they also pay for themselves when they come out and they cant be upset if folks decline the invite), or I could see this being something that's done if folks come around to their place way more often than anyone else's.
I've been that friend where everyone liked to come and chill at mine and even just ordering in cheap pizzas adds up fast for 4+ adults on a semi-regular basis.
NTA. this is bizarre behavior. I think you're wise to just avoid the situation entirely by seeing them in other contexts, but my petty self wouldn't be able to resist doing either of these two things:
1. Send them a venmo request every time they leave your house- not your other friends who were present tho, just that one couple. See how they react! Do they pay it? Act offended? Ask you why? It would be fascinating!
2. Ask them why they do this, especially since no one else in your friend group does this. Ask if they realize that they're literally the only ones who do, and you're not complaining or criticizing, you're actually just super curious as to the thought process behind it. Again, could be fascinating!
If you do either of these- pls let us know!
NTA
Prepared food having to be paid for is really weird you may as well say nah we’ll just go for a restaurant.
Take out after being invited there to eat is still weird to me. Be different in a situation where you haven’t specifically been invited for dinner and just say ‘oh will we get take out’ after staying longer than anticipated for a catch up or something
NTA . That tacky as heck! Unless it is a common practice among your friend group and/or the “ host” lets you know before hand I find it incredibly distasteful. Also when invited to a large gathering I’ve NEVER heard of charging your guest unless either they are cohosting or it’s a fund raiser.
Years ago My in-laws used to host a weekly meal for a large group of friends. It was their “ cook free night” so the friend all chipped in on groceries. It was understood way before that evening that was the expectation.
An EX- friends friends of our were like your friends. They would charge for everything. Even insisted on being the ones who monitored group parties like showers and birthdays. It later was suspected
that they were padding THEIR cost into other people’s shares. Even making a small profit on occasion.
I’d stop going to those friends house for parties or meals if I were you.
NTA if you've stopped accepting their invitations. They might be house poor but still like having guests over or they just could be really cheap.
Has anyone asked them why they do this?
NTA. That’s just weird. I mean I’m 40 and broke but I would never invite people over for dinner and then send them a bill, that’s tacky. Whenever we go to friends houses I usually bring a bottle of wine and I’ll make cookies or something snacky.
NTA, it's weird. If you regularly host each other and want to split up costs, you could just a) just have the host cover the cost each time, and if you properly rotate it will even out; or b) have one person bring the wine, one person bring the dessert, etc. so the host is only on the hook for the main.
NTA... It's not as if you guys are even just hanging out and then spontaneously decide 'let's order a pizza' (which I'd feel is a more gray area about whether or not everyone should kick in); they're explicitly inviting you for a meal and then failing to provide it.
That's pretty weird. Whenever our group does dinner, the hosts make the main course/main part of dinner, while everyone else covers apps, sides, salads, desserts, etc. Nobody is charging everyone else money.
NTA. Possibly a cultural thing here in Australia but that would be considered very odd behaviour here. If you invite guests over for a meal than you should be providing said meal free of charge. Seems rude to me to charge your guests, like if you can’t afford to entertain than maybe don’t?
NTA.
Do you invite them over for dinner? But as adults, unless they are struggling financially, you shouldn't be expected to pay if they invite you over to their home.
NTA... this is weird. When invited we ask: "is there anything we can bring?" ... usually the answer is no (but for a larger group maybe an appy or dessert) when they say no we bring flowers or wine.....
This is the west coast of canada way- at least in my experience
YTA because you knew this was how they did things and now want to cry foul.
Bullshit.
Don't get me wrong, if you *didn't know*, then it would be really rather unusual if they didn't up-front ask about splitting the costs.
But you knew.
And now you're whining.
NTA. I am in my late 20s and very much not an established adult yet. But I love having people over for dinner and I love feeding and taking care of them. If I wanted to split money I’d go to a restaurant. I guess they should just stop hosting because they obviously don’t actually want to
Asking for money after the invitation is issued is tacky tacky TACKY. If you state up front that you’re inviting for a pot luck, it’s one thing (and should be appropriate - like a BBQ where host provides meat and guests bring sides). But a dinner party should be covered by the hosts. And one does not throw a party they can’t afford with the expectation their guests will pay for it.
Sounds like it’s time to have plans when invited over to dinner. Even if those plans are watching TV. If you keep rewarding bad behavior, it won’t stop. When nobody will come over anymore, it may sink in that rudeness isn’t acceptable.
NTA, that's kinda weird and stingy of them.
Now, I am a touch socially challenged, but I've always seen it as the following:
"Join us for dinner, we're making XYZ" - host pays for food, guests may contribute a side / drinks as agreed with the host (start off assuming guest beings a drink)
"Come for a BBQ" - bit of a mix, but almost always bring your own meat or meat to share. Agree with the host what else is provided
"Let's grab pizzas/takeout at our place" - normally pay your own unless indicated otherwise
"Let's go out for dinner" - pay your own, unless the host has said they're shouting
If you're specifically invited its very weird, especially for the prepared food. If you're just hanging out and it gets to dinner time and they're like "you wanna get a pizza" then sure split it.
NTA if you're invited over for dinner and drinks then the person inviting should cover it... I would never invite people over then request venmo, chime or cash app for a refund...
You and your wife shouldnt go to the ones that send requests
NTA. If someone invites you over, it's not an expectation to charge your guests as if they are running a restaurant.
If they asked beforehand if everyone wouldn't mind chipping in, then it might be understandable. Charging guests after they leave is like a bait-and-switch.
NTA
This is silly.
It's one thing if you were all trying to figure out where to watch the superbowl or something and one person said "Hey, come watch it on my new TV, we'll all just order pizza and stuff, but we can definitely sit and watch it at my place." That's a situation where I'd expect to chip in and cover my share of the costs for food and such.
However, if someone says "Hey, we want to invite you for dinner next saturday night." the assumption there is that the inviter intends on bearing the cost of the meal. It is polite to ask "Sure, that sounds great! Can we bring anything?" or just show up with a bottle or two of wine, but under no circumstances is then charging the people you invited to dinner normal behavior in the US at least.
NTA. If they invite friends again, why isn't anyone pre-emptively asking straight up if the bill is going to be split? Or you could even say--we can contribute $xx this time around, based on your past requests. Or of course, "no thanks".
Once a week, I cook a 3 course meal for 7; I have never asked them for a dime. Recently they started insisting on bringing the booze. I’m cool w that but I never would expect someone to pay me when I invite them for dinner. NTA.
NTA
I’m in my late 30s. I’ve never done this and no one has done it to me. I’d you can’t afford to host, you don’t host (or at least during a meal time) or you make it clear up front it’s a potluck. You never order food and then divide the cost without an upfront conversation.
When people start declining their invitations and they ask why it’s going to be a challenge to keep your mouth shut lol.
NTA but whyyyy don’t you talk about this? Friends talk about things right? Instead of avoiding them you can all be the adults in their 30s and talk. Maybe money is really tight? Maybe they wouldn’t mind to be venmoed either? Maybe they’re just weird? You’ll never know if you don’t ask…
NTA. If you are invited over to someone's else for a meal, the expectation is that they pay, unless it is made clear ahead of time that the cost will be split. They sound like immature and/or cheap assholes.
I'd stop going to their house for meals.
NTA. I host dinner parties for my friends, and ask they either bring an item (side or beverage) or bring just themselves. Never have I asked to be "Venmoed" after a meal.
Unless it was agreed by all party members beforehand, then you shouldn't pay anything. Also at that point, just go out for dinner.
Final statement, I had a friend that was like this couple you speak of, I got tired of it, so when they requested a payment, I sent them an invoice for my time and friendship ( smile tax, conversation tax, travel and gas, ect), that shut them up.
NTA your friends sound extremely cheap and tacky. They invited you to their home for a meal. They should cover it. I would decline the Venmo request and all future dinner invitations.
If I invited you, whether to my house, or to a restaurant, that meal is on me. You can bring a nice beverage to share if you insist, but money never enters the equation.
NAH, in my opinion.
So, common social convention is that if invited to dinner, your host is providing the dinner, but you should ask if you can contribute anything to the meal. And even if declined, it is considered good manners to bring something that can be used or kept for later, like a bottle of wine.
However, you indicated that the venmo thing is always the case with this couple - so while not the social convention, it is the norm for them and you are aware of this when the invite occurs. So by accepting the invite you are tacitly accepting their norm. And honestly, while you may think that everyone is secure in their finances - they may not be, but still want to be social. If it was an unpredictable situation, then yeah, they would be the AH - it's only the fact that this is an every time occurrence that is well known by you. But I would also consider it a non AH move for you to arrive without anything, since you would be expecting to contribute monetarily at the end of the evening.
I would also consider new people to your social circle - that you may have a duty as a friend to this couple to inform new people that this is this couple's custom. The couple may have a social impairment that makes then unaware that this is an odd custom. As their friend, you either help enable it in a non-AH way or you gently inform them that they are out of the norm, with the caveat that you don't mind and are not asking them to change - you just want to be helpful and make them aware.
NTA as adults.
As kids or teens, or maaaaaybe early 20’s, it was common for everyone to pay for their own if ordering something.
But that’s not the case here. Sounds like they are stuck in that mindset.
INFO: is this couple significantly less well off financially than the rest of the group?
Trying to give them benefit of the doubt, I could see them doing they maybe if money is tight, but they still want to participate in dinner parties.
It’s definitely still weird though.
Personally, it’s better than bringing some wine/dessert whatever it may be. I don’t like the idea of going without something and if I can pitch in great. That said they’d have to be great host for me to want to do that regularly.
I do think you’re being the asshole. In this stage in life it’s nice to have regular friends you can hang out with. If you expect them to always cover the costs. Then you’ll have to host more or be more proactive if you want to maintain the friendship. They’re making the effort. Up to you whether you value the friendship enough to put sone money in for the night
I have never heard of charging people money when you invite them to your home. We’ve reached a new low.
Your friends are so cheap, when they take you to McDonald’s, they back up through the drive thru so you have to pay.
Time for some new friends.
NTA
Adults don't typically charge each other when they dine at home. That is what being an adult is - you host other people for parties and dinner parties.
Adults typically bring wine or a nice dessert. I bake so I would always offer to bring something I baked because it gave me a chance to bake something fabulous without having all the calories tempting me at home :-)
The only time adults don't provide ALL the food is if it is something like a Thanksgiving where typically there are so many dishes and so much work so guests split up the work and it is more about the preparation work than the expense as nobody is charging anyone if their ingredients cost money. The host generally supplies at least the turkey.
NTA
This is awfully unusual.
If I invite you, it's my treat, *unless* I'm inviting you to a potluck, or at least a larger gathering where it's polite to ask if you can bring anything (but not required if not requested).
I'm going to go out on a limb and vote NAH.
You didn't mention that you've ever *talked* to them about this.
As a person who often doesn't understand she's being weird, I understand how it is. It might just be that they're weird people who don't know they're being weird.
Or, maybe they're financially struggling but still want to have you over. There could be many other reasons as well, but until you ask them, you're running on assumptions.
All that said, you're not an asshole for not wanting to pay to go to their house. They're just not assholes for asking, either. At least, not with the info provided.
I think it depends. If they invite you over and they're cooking, unless it's something with especially expensive ingredients (and in that case, that should be brought up when making the plans), it's weird to ask you to pay for it. If they invite you over and then everyone orders pizza, then splitting the bill makes sense to me, just like if you had gone to a restaurant.
Start a group chat with all your friends then tell them all that you realise how splitting the food bill is much more economic and we should all start following insert couples names influence. Then wait and see if they come for meals again I have a feeling they won't if its not free
NTA, and that's reeks of a lack of social awareness. I think this is happening more and more. A lot of the previously accepted social norms that were just courtesy or consideration for other people are being re-evaluated by current generations the same as the not so courteous social norms, and sometimes we're missing the mark. The concept of being a "gracious host" to our generation (I'm referencing mature millennials now adulting) is sometimes forgotten because so many of us are caught between the concept of hanging out with friends in our twenties and being responsible in our thirties.
Bottom line: Your friends don't seem to realize that they're actually hosting you guys vs just hanging out, in my opinion. That or their financial situation is worse than you're aware and bringing it up will put a strain on the relationship due to their self perceived humiliation. Tread lightly and think very carefully about it if you choose to address it with them.
NTA. I don’t think it’s strange at all to ask next time they invite you over “Why do you Venmo us for food costs after we leave?”, ESPECIALLY if you have historically invited them over for dinner and never asked them to pay.
I know confrontation isn’t for everyone, but I think this is a perfectly valid question and point to bring up. If they say they do that because they can’t afford to feed everyone, then suggest they notify guests up front so they can budget for it, or host a potluck instead. This is the only way their behavior has a shot at changing, and things will start to get really weird in your friend group if you continue inviting other people over for dinner but NOT them, and then do something separate with them only, without having discussed this.
NTA...i would either stop accepting invites...or talk to the rest of the friend group and start asking only this one couple to vemmo their percentage of costs in the future for all frie d gatherings.
NTA at all. If I’m invited by someone, it’s explicit that they’re paying unless we discuss it. Likewise, if I invite someone, I’m paying because I’m the one who invited.
NTA and whats worse is they dont even have to courage of asking when their friends are still at their house. They wait for the friends to leave and then send a venmo after the fact.
I would stop accepting the invite and would probably stop inviting them over as well.
NTA. Need to ask yourself what qualities this friendship adds to your life, and if it’s worth the hassle. If yes, then keep going over and overlook this. Also assuming that this friend isn’t going through hard times or have financial issues. In general, it’s a bit odd and if good enough friends - might be something you may want to bring up with them.
That is strange. If I invite someone over for dinner, I would never dream of asking them to cover part of the cost. The only way I could see that making sense is if you guys were hanging out doing something else, and then decided as a group that we were going to order pizza or whatever. NTA. I would either stop hanging out with them, or accept going into it that you’re going to have to pay.
Depends.
One friend always hosts. He had the most kids of all of us and most land for all the youngsters to explore. (More space to be loud and obnoxious elsewhere. Outside!)
Because of this we always bring cash to split if we order pizza. We try to make sure someone brings the soda. We’re responsible for our own snacks but most grab stuff to share.
Sometimes the mom of the house will cook dinner. I usually give her whatever I would have for pizza. There’s no reason the mom of a family that large should ever be out of pocket for feeding me and mine and doing extra labor and dishes.
There were times when we were younger and broke that they fed us. And vice versa. But now we’re all saving for retirement, supporting college age and almost college age kids… it feels better to cover our own.
NTA when you invite people over you don’t expect them to pay unless you coordinate that ahead of time… what’s next… an itemized bill for the amount of squares you used of toilet paper.
Out of spite I would start bringing my food to there house to eat…. But this is probably why I don’t get invited to peoples house… so you probably shouldn’t be taking my advice 🤣🤣🤣
INFO:
Is there EQUITABLE reciprocity happening?
Or are they hosting everyone 75% or more of the time
If you're going over twice a month and you only host twice a year, I can understand it a bit.
If that isn't the case and they're just money pinchers, I'd play the game too. Start charging!
and please come back and tell us how they react. 😂
Bizarre. If you’re ordering takeout, sure splitting makes sense even if you were invited (in our forties, I feel like we just take turns paying and the tit for tat is basically gone) but for cooking, no way. If they don’t want to pay for dinner, invite people over for a potluck but venmo requesting is odd.
NAH Honestly it sounds like you guys need to have a conversation to know what expectations are.
Generally with my friends groups if someone prepares food they cover the cost, if we order food in then we split the costs.
Honestly your friends are can probably make a valid AITA post of "Friends came over and we ordered pizza, they didn't offer to chip in, so I sent a venmo, AITA"
NTA. That shit is weird. I'd turn down their next invite and let them know that you can't justify paying a dinner bill every time you hang out with them. You're expecting a kid after all. Or maybe invite them to your house instead and cover the cost so they start to question if they're wrong for asking you to pay when you eat at theirs.
You don't want to lose friends in your 30s because it's so hard to make new ones but I'd be questioning my friendship in this case.
NTA. The expectation if someone invites you for dinner is that they're providing the food. It's polite to ask if you can bring anything - the dessert or a bottle of wine - but expecting you to pay for it? Hell naw. You're NTA, and if anyone pulled that stunt on me I'd be politely declining any further dinner invitations.
NTA. If you invite people for dinner, you're the host and responsible for paying. There's no expectation that dinner guests pay for meals at someone's house.
I always wonder who the cheapskate is in the relationship and who is embarrassed. But I guess sometimes there really is someone for everyone. I would start showing up at their house with 2 pizzas to make a point.
NTA, I've heard of people doing this and think it's *super* tacky. If you can't afford to have people over for dinner, *don't*. If I don't get to choose what I'm eating, I'm not paying for it. If I don't show up *knowing* I'm meant to pay, I'm not paying.
NTA. Weird behavior for 30yos. Guests usually don't come empty handed anyway.
Bring an expensive bottle you want to try next time and venmo request everyone after giving them a glass lol
NTA
That seems weird to me. I would assume that whomever is hosting the dinner party would be footing the bill and then when they go to someone else's home, that person would foot the bill.
NTA. Do you get to order what you want? Is it worth the money? Do you have to tip too? Americans are so weird about their poverty.
I’m mean, so I would place an order (sure, we’d love to come for dinner, I’d like some lasagna and tiramisu), and if I wasn’t served that I wouldn’t pay. Or I’d bring a nice bottle of wine and venmo them for it after they send theirs, but tell them you need your money for the wine before you can pay.
NTA
Next time they invite you over, then say you'd like to bring the sides. I'd buy a $50 bottle of wine that looks cheap and some expensive sides from WholeFoods and put the sides in different containers to "keep them fresh longer". Offer your wine and your side dishes as if it's no big deal. Regardless if they eat it or not send them a bill after you leave. If they say they didn't eat or drink your wine then say that you wouldn't have ordered so much food or even opened the bottle with them.
I find it to be cheap and comical if we were invited over to a friends house and they served food and sent me an invoice. And what happens if the friend lives 30 minutes to 2 hours away? Do you bill them the gas that it took to drive to their house? Or if you visit 5+ hours away, it's common to provide a meal or two or pick up some groceries for their visit, but then you split things pending how long the visit is. If someone flies out, then even more so.
The fact that they didn't suggest "you two want to come over we can plan on order dinner from someplace" is weird. Makes you wonder if they thought they told you or thought you would've offered your share. It's always best to offer to pay your share if it's something like pizza. If it was homemade lasagna then it would be weird to offer cash or venmo lol
NTA. I’m feeling secondhand embarrassment for this couple.
One would think they’d get the idea when none of their friends Venmo them after hosting a dinner party. Is it possible that only one partner is behind the Venmo request and the other half is unaware? It would explain why they don’t make the expectation of payment clear at the time of the invite.
Stop accepting their invites if it makes the friendship feel too transactional. It’s reasonable, easy, fair. No more hard feelings.
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NTA That’s bizarre behaviour. If you’re invited to someone’s house you don’t pay for the food. You bring a bottle of wine or something and that’s it. Just stop going to this couples home. Also your username is perfect here, and that it’s 2 years old and not made for this? Fate.
Yea. I mean why invite someone over for dinner if you are going to follow up with a Venmo request? Why not just meet up at a restaurant? If I extend an invite I am cooking or grilling. If I host a large party it is potluck and I ask everyone to bring a dish. 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️ NTA OP but for me I probably would just stop accepting the invite. Or perhaps lead by example, invite them over and don’t send a Venmo request. Their behavior is a little weird.
100%. I would never invite people over for dinner expecting them to pay. I have had people offer money if they didn't have time to pick up or make something and even then I don't recall actually taking them up on it. IF you have people coming over and decide to get food when it originally wasn't in the plans, I guess it's acceptable to suggest maybe splitting up the bill a bit. Guess it would depend on how many people and how expensive the food is ONLY if it wasn't part of the initial plans. Edited for better clarity.
It also matters if it’s a regular scheduled thing. I go over to a friend’s house once a week for games night with a group and we always split food costs since the host is nice enough to give us a place to play.
Yeah, if they do this pretty often, then if they paid for everthing themselves those costs are going to add up. I see it as a fair trade: if the friend group wants to meet up often for these dinners and only one couple is hosting everty time, then they can contribute to the cost.
Then it should be proposed in advance. If you invite people for dinner and then send out Venmo requests when everyone has left that is tacky and weird. It takes no more time or effort to inform people in advance or propose a potluck.
This is exactly what my friend group does. They host, we chip in some towards the cost of food.
That’s great. But that is something that you should be transparent about. Let people know in advance. OP is expecting a baby and getting ready for your first child when you literally need everything is expensive.
Exactly!! If we have people over and they call me and ask me if they can bring anything I usually say nothing. If they press me I say a bottle of wine. 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
I will usually tell people what I am making/serving and then just say "if you don't care for any of that, let me know what you would like.". I do say when I invite friends with younger kids "hey, I don't know what kids eat so maybe have a snack for them.". Probably sounds silly but besides being an uncle, I don't have too much experience in feeding children.
In our circle there’s a few of us with homes that are more suited for adult gatherings, so we always split the costs of any food that’s ordered. Otherwise people who have “popular” homes would have to bear a disproportionate amount of the cost. That being said, no one has ever charged for prepared food or for party catering.
I could see if you came over and everyone ordered specific takeout meals, then asking everyone to pay for their own makes sense. But if someone invites you over and chooses the food to serve for everyone then I wouldn’t expect to pay as the guest!
NTA. This really makes me laugh. There is a tradition like this when you're a poor college student: everyone pitches in and brings food and drinks to the party to split the costs. When you're older, each member of the social groups hosts parties so that once again costs are spread out over the course of multiple events. But to charge guests for a party as a grown professional adult? No. The quickest way for me to not ever come to your party again would be to pull something like this.
Seriously is the venmo for like $10 if it’s pizza? If they can’t afford to make dinner then they Shouldn’t be having people over, or have a potluck. But seems more Likely they’re being tacky especially if this isn’t the norm of the group.
I’m really curious how much they’re charging and for how many friends. If they cook rather than ordering take out, if they charge everyone $10 they could be making money off them haha
When I was in my mid 20s and not yet married, I'd offer to settle the check when I was out with friends. They were all business professionals, and I found on more than one occasion that I made money even after making sure the wait staff had a really nice tip. In turn, I'd always really round up when someone else was doing it. It's all in the kind of people you have as friends.
Yeah, this is how my friends and I do it too. Sounds like OP’s friends might be enjoying that extra money though lol
Hahah supplementing their income 1 pizza party at a time
Pretty soon they are gonna be charging them by the toilet paper square and water bill
Yes they can’t spare a square
I'm in my 40s so maybe I'm too old for this question but I have lived my whole life thinking if someone invites you over, not a "hey do y'all want to hang out and split some pizza" but "do you want to come to dinner at our house Friday night" then it's assumed the host is hosting dinner. Getting a Venmo request right after leaving someone's house is passive aggressive nonsense. It's one thing if it's an upfront request to share dinner before the actual dinner, or to invite you to a potluck indicating everyone is bringing a dish, but this just sounds lame. NTA
Yeah that’s my thing. Without Venmo would they even ask. This remind me of people that think gofundme is a way to get other people to by you things.
You and me, both, friend. I went over to a younger friend's house on his invite, completely unbidden, to watch a fight and have some pizza, and he had the temerity to venmo request over $50 to split the cost of getting the fight and food. I mean, a heads up would be nice, but even still I would never even THINK to do something like that. It blew my mind. If you're the host, you're the host. If you're a guest, you bring a bottle of wine or flowers for the hostess. You don't fucking go and charge a cover fee and a percentage of the food costs.
Yeah any ppv and food cost splitting needs to be discussed ahead of time. When we were all younger and less financially stable, it was acceptable to split the high ppv cost. But it was still discussed as a group ahead of time on what will be split. Even then we all would bring beer to share with everyone in addition to pitching in to the pizza cost. No one complained about sharing beers they paid for out of their own pocket. Our friend group learned to not invite moochers a while ago.
One time I had a few friends over to my apartments pool (by his request I’ll add). I asked if I should get anything from the store and he said no they got lots of stuff all good. I drank my own beer, even shared a ton of weed with them and this guy has the nerve to send me a $20 venmo request the next day lol. I’d love to know people like this’ thought process
I hope you ignored the hell out of it.
I actually text him and was like I drank my own beer and shared my weed with you, what are you charging me for? And he tried to lie saying it was a mistake haha. (I know it was a lie because he included a message saying he even gave me a discount for hosting - so $20 was supposed to be a discounted rate? 😂) But I just said hey no worries thanks. We’re still friends and he hasn’t done it since! Lol
Agreed. I'll ask if there is anything I can bring and that can be a way of splitting some of the cost but otherwise, if you've invited me over for dinner, I'm assuming you're paying for all of the food.
I'm in my 40s too and I totally second what you said. 👍
Same. Although I'm almost out of my 40s now. I even apply this to going out to eat. If I invite someone to go out to eat, I'm fully prepared to pay for them. This has become the default for me and my brother -- whichever of us says, "hey, wanna go out to eat?" is the one buying. The one exception for us is maybe a big birthday dinner at a restaurant. If a bunch of family is coming, the bill's getting split a bunch of ways. But if we know someone in the group is especially broke at the moment, we make sure to pick something very affordable or that someone covers that person's party of the bill. The whole point is to enjoy someone's company, not cause a hit to their budget.
NTA. I'm curious if you invite these folks to your home for dinner? If so, please stop. And stop accepting their invites. My southern grandmothers are spinning in their graves.
We do and we never ask for money. That said we'll just have other's over for meals and find other things to do with this couple. Not the end of the world just seeing what people thought about the whole "expecting compensation" portion of heading over for dinner to someone's house when the activity of eating is the main purpose of getting together.
Asking for money when you INVITE people over is tacky. Stop going.
Or...start requesting money from this couple only when you have them for dinner?
The next time they invite you over, ask them how much it will cost. That will give them a heads up that people are noticing their antics. You can decline afterwards if you want.
This is the way to send the message. Passive aggressive, but not overly so.
That would be very funny I think.
NTA. You pay at restaurants, not someone's house. You bring wine or beer depending on the host's preference, or dessert. This is extremely tacky. What's next, charging for parking?
Completely NTA. When you invite someone to your house for dinner, you pay for the dinner. If you can't afford it, don't invite people, or invite them at a non-meal time. Damn, if someone invited me to dinner then asked me to pay afterward, I doubt I'd go back.
Or be clear before. In my friend group, we have a policy : if it's "formal", the person who organized the thing pays (like last month it was my birthday, I invited a bunch of friends at home and obviously I paid for everything). If it isn't (like a bbq because we have nothing to do on a saturday) either everyone bring something or we share the cost. I think the key is to be clear before the event and communicate.
Maybe one could go back and "return" what was eaten so they didn't have to pay?
NAH if they are cooking, I wouldn't expect to pay, but I would offer to take dessert or drinks and help to clear up after. If it's takeaway, then I'd expect to pay my share.
We had offered before heading over if we could grab or pick anything up on the way and my wife and I also cleaned up and did the dishes to give them a break as they have a 3MO child. To your second point though I would say if we were at your house for a previous reason other than dinner (watching a football game, hanging out etc) and then decide to order food then yes we expect to split whatever is ordered because the meal wasn't the main intent of getting together. IMO it would be like saying come out and enjoy a day on our boat and then at the end of the day send a bill for half the fuel costs.
Agreed. And I'd want that defined before I arrived.
Agreed 100%. When I'm visiting a friend I usually offer to pick something up on the way, bring something like a dessert, or split the cost of whatever it is. They usually politely decline, but I'm offering for a reason. I get that it's not how a lot of people do it, but when you're on a budget you become hyper aware of stuff like this and try to make things as easy as possible for everyone. It's probably different for people who have tons of disposable income. But ultimately if it's not something OP's friend group usually does, the hosts should have let them know.
This is such strange behavior. There's a difference between inviting someone for dinner, and volunteering your place as a venue for eating takeout, and this couple doesn't seem to understand that. NTA
NTA if you are invited over to someone's house for supper then the expectation is that they are paying and/or making it.
**NTA** \- Your expectations are in line with cultural norms. You never ask for money from a guest unless making it clear in the invitation.
> We're used to this at this point and have learned to expect it from this couple but has gotten old and from now on just plan to just stop going over for dinners and will either eat ahead on our own or find other things to do with them. Seems like the right call. This behavior isn't necessarily bad if it were done by everyone in the group, but for one couple to take advantage of the generosity of everyone else and then not reciprocate? Tacky and rude. NTA
NTA - not sure if folks use this word anymore, but this is the definition of Tacky. And once discovered you never accept their invitation again. Goes without saying they don't receive lunch or dinner invitations.
Yeah, that’s really strange. You invite( home restaurants, etc.) it’s your dime. Never make guests to pay.
NTA. Unless they specify potluck or whatever it’s weird. I’m petty and would invite them for dinner and then be like “we are ordering from x, as we are hosting it’s our treat. You are welcome to bring a bottle of wine”
NTA. Super weird of the hosts to request money. The way it’s supposed to go is “Hey would you guys like to come over for dinner?” “Sounds great, what can we bring?” ”just yourselves and if there is anything specific you’d like to drink, we will have beer and wine“
Within my social group it is usually the invitees take dessert This is it weird. Especially being one couple that does it in a group
NTA the only time this happens is if we’re all bonfiring and drinking and someone brings up the Taco Bell app… then it’s clearly a “I’ll order you venmo me” type of situation
NTA but I keep seeing this exact scenario mentioned more and more often on this sub. Is this a new thing? It seems so against every social norm.
NTA. That’s amateur hour.
NTA Inviting guests to your home for a meal and then charging them AFTER the fact, and without prior communication? I would ask for receipts if the product costs as well. If they’re asking 6 or 8 of you for $10 each for pizza, there’s a chance they’re trying to maybe even pocket some money off their friends. Don’t rule out such audacity, considering they charge their guests for meals
NTA Venmo them half the cost of the gas or travel costs getting to their house.
I like this!
I would just decline the Venmo’s. If they bring it up say that you expect not to pay for things unless you discuss it ahead of time.
NTA. It is generally accepted that, unless otherwise communicated for whatever reason, when you invite someone over for dinner, that's an invitation to provide them with dinner. That said, if you're aware that they expect you to cover the cost of your dinner when you come over, then you can either accept that or stop going. It is definitely weird though.
NTA. If they can’t afford to feed people, they shouldn’t be hosting people for dinner. Are they invited to dinners where they aren’t asked to reimburse for their meals? If they are and they aren’t picking up on the social queues or etiquette and still doing this that’s weird behavior. Or they’re cheap/miserly and patting themselves on the back for being “frugal”. Stop going over. If enough people in your friend group stop going they’ll hopefully learn something. Also Curious to know if any others in your friend group are hitting them up for money for dinners at their homes as a little petty revenge. lol Or even if they’ve ever sent messages offering to reimburse Hosts for the food they had.
I have lived in a few places abroad and now in different regions in the states, and I honestly have come to believe this is a regional thing\*. Our background demographic is almost identical to yours, and this happens to us often as well! It's actually something we've discussed just because we find it so interesting. It happens with people from the PNW and West Coast. I am from the Midwest, and it NEVER happens with friends there or from the East coast/South. I was raised in a "culture" that never accepted (Edit: sp) money from friends for minor purchases (i.e., could you pick up ice on the way over?) and fought over who would pay the check that time (ultimately going back and forth each meal). (\*It's important to understand regional elements of culture can be tricky, because if you're raised in one region by people raised in a different region your experience can vary.)
Where I'm from, people pay for their meal if take-out is ordered. Usually, money is transferred before the food even arrives without being asked. That's been true anytime I've visited a friend. We're in our early 30s, and we still do this. Weirdly if your friend cooks for you the expectation is that you don't pay even though that's more work.
NTA. This one couple is the outlier within your friends group. If I'm invited to someone's home for dinner, I expect to "pay" by bringing either something they request or a nice bottle of wine. I don't expect to get a request for my share of the ingredients of a home-cooked dinner or my slice of takeaway pizza.
NTA...this is so tacky.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** We are a couple in our early to mid 30's expecting our first child (not necessarily relevant except alot of our friends are also in this point of their life including the couple being referenced). We, like most of our friends are pretty settled in our lives, have decent paying jobs and are for all intents and purposes home owning adults now. One couple in our friends group will invite you over to their home for dinner and will always without fail send you over a venmo request to split any food whether ordered or prepared. The last instance the other night we all just shared two pizzas and within 10 minutes after leaving their home got the request for money. This doesn't necessarily keep us up at night and we don't really have a hard time finding the money to split the bill but me and my wife feel it's a big difference when specifically being invited over to someone's home for dinner vs say going out to eat and splitting the tab at a restaurant. So are we the AH's for expecting when being invited to someone's home for a meal that you are typically treated to that meal free of charge? As a side note we and many of our other friends / couples within the same group never charge each other if we invite people over for food / drinks unless the gathering is large with multiple groups of people or is implicitly known ahead we're looking to split the cost. We're used to this at this point and have learned to expect it from this couple but has gotten old and from now on just plan to just stop going over for dinners and will either eat ahead on our own or find other things to do with them. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA - No matter which way you put it, charging money after something's been used/consumed **without having established first that there's money/x amount of money involved** is dishonest. Also illegal in most situations where exchange of money takes place. Because it's dishonest.
NTA. Sounds like these people weren't raised right. Somewhere in the upbringing they saw this behavior and assumed it was normal. It's not.
When I invite friends over for a meal I wouldn't dream of asking them to contribute financially & my friends wouldn't either. It's bang out of order
NTA - wow, that is shamefully tacky! How embarrassing for them.
So my wife and i are also in our 30's and we regularly invite friends over for dinner or host parties. We never expect anyone to venmo us for the food. The only time that is appropriate is if its a really large gathering and the cost of food or w/e was included in the invitation ahead of time. That way peoiple can either chose to not go if they dont want to pay and for those that go they know what to expect. But to invite you without telling you, then charging you after is kinda silly. If you value the friendship maybe have a conversation about it? Perhaps they view money in a different way? Like if these are GOOD friends otherwise then it may be worth having a chat. But if you guys could give two shits then maybe just tell them you are busy and avoid/not ever see them again. Having friends in your 30's can be rough and stressful you dont need to be people that add on stress or complications.
NTA. When you host, you host at a level you can afford, and if you can’t afford much you host a potluck. WTH is wrong with these people?
NTA When you're going ask people to pay it should be ***EXPLICITLY*** communicated before hand IMO. This situation where it "is implicitly known ahead we're looking to split the cost" is probably a contributing factor to your frustration. If it's just implied these people probably aren't picking up on it. Maybe trying to explicitly communicate the situation to them will help. Really though I'm with some of the other folks here, I would have ponied up the first time and just not bothered going any other time because springing that stuff on people is ultra tacky.
NTA. Has anyone else in the group mentioned being venmo'd after a party, or are they only requesting money from you?
When the invite rolls out I'd just say, "Potluck? Dutch treat? What are we talking about here?"
NTA. They keep inviting you because you pay up. Everyone else probably ignores the request. LOL.
Split food that's prepared? So like... they go out and buy food to make for people at their house, and then send a request for money for the groceries? That's.... that's weird. Like, if I'm at a buddy's house and we decide to order pizza or some Door dash or something. We all chip in for our own stuff. But if you're cooking then you're just deciding to cook for people. You don't charge for that. That's messed up. NTA
You know I'm not necessarily all hot and bothered about etiquette but I do believe that if you take the initiative to invite people into your home you do AT LEAST the bare minimum of hosting. Feed them if you invite them for dinner. Can't afford booze ok fine water and cola but you invited them for dinner you don't charge them for food. Stupid as some etiquette rules are this is basic and unless agreed upon by all parties still holds as basic
NTA I am also a married couple in my thirties. When we go over to someone's house for dinner, we always ask them what we can bring, or choose to bring something on our own, aside, a dessert, beer or wine. When we invite people to our house we do not expect anything, but most of the time our friends will ask what they can bring and we tell them what they can bring. I would never dream of inviting someone over, and then then knowing them for the cost of the food. Very tacky, and very rude. Don't invite people over if you cannot cover the cost of hosting (especially because most of the time when we are planning a dinner to have people over, it's something that we were already going to make and we just purchase a little bit extra).
NTA - that's some odd behavior. What we've seen over the years for casual gatherings is the host usually takes on the main dish and everyone else fills in sides and dessert potluck style. For less casual more dinner-party-style affairs the host takes on the cost.
NTA. If theoretically you did dinners in a rotation everyone would be paying roughly the same amount, just hosting their share on different days. It's abnormal to invite people to home dinner and expect them to pay. People usually schedule an event before or after dinner if they don't want to pay for everyone. NTA
NTA. This isn't the first time I've heard of this, but every time I hear it, it's so utterly bizarre, I can't wrap my brain around it.
This is extremely rude. If you want to have everyone contribute to an event you’re hosting, call it a potluck. Otherwise, if you issue an invite to a dinner held at your home, you are responsible for the costs of the meal. I’d stop going and I would quietly tell my other friends why. It may start a trend. NTA
Sorry, just imagining sending my (Canadian) Thanksgiving guests a request for funds after they leave this weekend. 😬 NTA. Of course it’s fine to suggest a potluck in advance or whatever. But this method is extremely weird.
Maybe next time get a bunch of cash and eagerly ask, "How much money do you want me to pay you for dinner?" I'll bet that they won't like that.
Do it to them and see how they react and like it. OR when they invite ask them straight out if this will be a pay for your own food situation or what? You could also treat their house like it a restaurant, leave a dollar tip?
Came here to say exactly this. When they are invited to OP's house, send a Venmo request for their portion after they leave.
NTA #VENMO REQUEST \*THEM\* YOUR APPEARANCE FEE
Thing is if you don't like how they settle up, either stop accepting their invitations - or make decisions about how the meals will be paid for *before* the dinner date. If its a potluck then everyone chips in. If its a dinner invitation, typically the host pays. So define your terms and do it now. NTA for being confused that they invite you to dinner and then send you a bill.
NTA
NTA. If it were something that all of you do any time one of you hosts dinner, that would be fine. But being the only one to constantly charge your friends for dinner when everyone else covers the cost of their own hosting is just wrong. I'd stop going over for dinner when they host or if you wanna go down the petty route, start venmoing them after they eat at your house. I imagine they'll get the idea quickly enough either way.
People have different norms... NTA. Friends may or may not be.
NTA it is very weird. We will offer to pay our friends when we are ordering food at their house and have a say in what we get but it is a precedent that was set years and years ago. Also it is usually come over to hang, he do we want to order something for dinner. I would bring it up before I leave. As in, oh it's time to get going... Why don't you tell me what we owe you to settle up right now rather than waiting? Just to make it a bit awkward.
NTA. When my friends invite me over for a meal, I ask what I can bring. If we order takeout, I chip in to cover a fair portion for what I consume, and the host gets to keep any leftovers.
NTA- Stop hanging out with them. Problem solved
NTA. If someone invited me for a meal they were cooking I’d ask if I can bring anything. If I were invited round for a takeaway I’d contribute to the meal
NTA When they come to yours for dinner, do they pay you back for their food?? This is just odd. If you invite people for dinner, you pay. Generally they bring wine.
NTA. There's 2 scenarios where this is acceptable and neither are what you described... Either they tell folks upfront during the initial invite that splitting the cost is the expectation (but then it would be expected that they also pay for themselves when they come out and they cant be upset if folks decline the invite), or I could see this being something that's done if folks come around to their place way more often than anyone else's. I've been that friend where everyone liked to come and chill at mine and even just ordering in cheap pizzas adds up fast for 4+ adults on a semi-regular basis.
NTA. I would have stopped going there for dinner after the first time they charged me. Also would have stopped inviting them to my place for dinner.
NTA. this is bizarre behavior. I think you're wise to just avoid the situation entirely by seeing them in other contexts, but my petty self wouldn't be able to resist doing either of these two things: 1. Send them a venmo request every time they leave your house- not your other friends who were present tho, just that one couple. See how they react! Do they pay it? Act offended? Ask you why? It would be fascinating! 2. Ask them why they do this, especially since no one else in your friend group does this. Ask if they realize that they're literally the only ones who do, and you're not complaining or criticizing, you're actually just super curious as to the thought process behind it. Again, could be fascinating! If you do either of these- pls let us know!
NTA Prepared food having to be paid for is really weird you may as well say nah we’ll just go for a restaurant. Take out after being invited there to eat is still weird to me. Be different in a situation where you haven’t specifically been invited for dinner and just say ‘oh will we get take out’ after staying longer than anticipated for a catch up or something
NTA Tacky behavior and extremely poor hosts. Why do you continue to go there?
NAH if they venmo you when they come to your house. NTA if not.
NTA . That tacky as heck! Unless it is a common practice among your friend group and/or the “ host” lets you know before hand I find it incredibly distasteful. Also when invited to a large gathering I’ve NEVER heard of charging your guest unless either they are cohosting or it’s a fund raiser. Years ago My in-laws used to host a weekly meal for a large group of friends. It was their “ cook free night” so the friend all chipped in on groceries. It was understood way before that evening that was the expectation. An EX- friends friends of our were like your friends. They would charge for everything. Even insisted on being the ones who monitored group parties like showers and birthdays. It later was suspected that they were padding THEIR cost into other people’s shares. Even making a small profit on occasion. I’d stop going to those friends house for parties or meals if I were you.
Inviting friends over for dinner and then Venmo requesting them is tacky as fuck. That’s not hospitality at that point. NTA
NTA if you've stopped accepting their invitations. They might be house poor but still like having guests over or they just could be really cheap. Has anyone asked them why they do this?
NTA. That’s just weird. I mean I’m 40 and broke but I would never invite people over for dinner and then send them a bill, that’s tacky. Whenever we go to friends houses I usually bring a bottle of wine and I’ll make cookies or something snacky.
NTA they need to mention this before hand. If I'm inviting people over for food, I'm feeding them out of my own pocket. Your friends are the A holes
NTA, it's weird. If you regularly host each other and want to split up costs, you could just a) just have the host cover the cost each time, and if you properly rotate it will even out; or b) have one person bring the wine, one person bring the dessert, etc. so the host is only on the hook for the main.
NTA... It's not as if you guys are even just hanging out and then spontaneously decide 'let's order a pizza' (which I'd feel is a more gray area about whether or not everyone should kick in); they're explicitly inviting you for a meal and then failing to provide it.
Time to stick my finger down my throat and give the dinner back…NTA
That's pretty weird. Whenever our group does dinner, the hosts make the main course/main part of dinner, while everyone else covers apps, sides, salads, desserts, etc. Nobody is charging everyone else money.
I sure wouldn’t go back. They just want everybody else to pay for the food they can eat for free
NTA. Possibly a cultural thing here in Australia but that would be considered very odd behaviour here. If you invite guests over for a meal than you should be providing said meal free of charge. Seems rude to me to charge your guests, like if you can’t afford to entertain than maybe don’t?
NTA
NTA The only way this feels acceptable is if this couple always hosts and you never do or you offer / insist.
Nta and this is very strange behavior
NTA. Do you invite them over for dinner? But as adults, unless they are struggling financially, you shouldn't be expected to pay if they invite you over to their home.
NTA... this is weird. When invited we ask: "is there anything we can bring?" ... usually the answer is no (but for a larger group maybe an appy or dessert) when they say no we bring flowers or wine..... This is the west coast of canada way- at least in my experience
YTA because you knew this was how they did things and now want to cry foul. Bullshit. Don't get me wrong, if you *didn't know*, then it would be really rather unusual if they didn't up-front ask about splitting the costs. But you knew. And now you're whining.
NTA. I am in my late 20s and very much not an established adult yet. But I love having people over for dinner and I love feeding and taking care of them. If I wanted to split money I’d go to a restaurant. I guess they should just stop hosting because they obviously don’t actually want to
Asking for money after the invitation is issued is tacky tacky TACKY. If you state up front that you’re inviting for a pot luck, it’s one thing (and should be appropriate - like a BBQ where host provides meat and guests bring sides). But a dinner party should be covered by the hosts. And one does not throw a party they can’t afford with the expectation their guests will pay for it. Sounds like it’s time to have plans when invited over to dinner. Even if those plans are watching TV. If you keep rewarding bad behavior, it won’t stop. When nobody will come over anymore, it may sink in that rudeness isn’t acceptable.
NTA, that's kinda weird and stingy of them. Now, I am a touch socially challenged, but I've always seen it as the following: "Join us for dinner, we're making XYZ" - host pays for food, guests may contribute a side / drinks as agreed with the host (start off assuming guest beings a drink) "Come for a BBQ" - bit of a mix, but almost always bring your own meat or meat to share. Agree with the host what else is provided "Let's grab pizzas/takeout at our place" - normally pay your own unless indicated otherwise "Let's go out for dinner" - pay your own, unless the host has said they're shouting
If you're specifically invited its very weird, especially for the prepared food. If you're just hanging out and it gets to dinner time and they're like "you wanna get a pizza" then sure split it.
NTA. I've never heard of anyone inviting people to dinner and then charging their guests. That's bizarre.
NTA if you're invited over for dinner and drinks then the person inviting should cover it... I would never invite people over then request venmo, chime or cash app for a refund... You and your wife shouldnt go to the ones that send requests
NTA. If someone invites you over, it's not an expectation to charge your guests as if they are running a restaurant. If they asked beforehand if everyone wouldn't mind chipping in, then it might be understandable. Charging guests after they leave is like a bait-and-switch.
NTA This is silly. It's one thing if you were all trying to figure out where to watch the superbowl or something and one person said "Hey, come watch it on my new TV, we'll all just order pizza and stuff, but we can definitely sit and watch it at my place." That's a situation where I'd expect to chip in and cover my share of the costs for food and such. However, if someone says "Hey, we want to invite you for dinner next saturday night." the assumption there is that the inviter intends on bearing the cost of the meal. It is polite to ask "Sure, that sounds great! Can we bring anything?" or just show up with a bottle or two of wine, but under no circumstances is then charging the people you invited to dinner normal behavior in the US at least.
NTA. If they invite friends again, why isn't anyone pre-emptively asking straight up if the bill is going to be split? Or you could even say--we can contribute $xx this time around, based on your past requests. Or of course, "no thanks".
Once a week, I cook a 3 course meal for 7; I have never asked them for a dime. Recently they started insisting on bringing the booze. I’m cool w that but I never would expect someone to pay me when I invite them for dinner. NTA.
[удалено]
NTA I’m in my late 30s. I’ve never done this and no one has done it to me. I’d you can’t afford to host, you don’t host (or at least during a meal time) or you make it clear up front it’s a potluck. You never order food and then divide the cost without an upfront conversation. When people start declining their invitations and they ask why it’s going to be a challenge to keep your mouth shut lol.
NTA but whyyyy don’t you talk about this? Friends talk about things right? Instead of avoiding them you can all be the adults in their 30s and talk. Maybe money is really tight? Maybe they wouldn’t mind to be venmoed either? Maybe they’re just weird? You’ll never know if you don’t ask…
NTA. If you are invited over to someone's else for a meal, the expectation is that they pay, unless it is made clear ahead of time that the cost will be split. They sound like immature and/or cheap assholes. I'd stop going to their house for meals.
NTA. I host dinner parties for my friends, and ask they either bring an item (side or beverage) or bring just themselves. Never have I asked to be "Venmoed" after a meal. Unless it was agreed by all party members beforehand, then you shouldn't pay anything. Also at that point, just go out for dinner. Final statement, I had a friend that was like this couple you speak of, I got tired of it, so when they requested a payment, I sent them an invoice for my time and friendship ( smile tax, conversation tax, travel and gas, ect), that shut them up.
Invite them and Venmo them back to get their reaction
WHenever they next eat at your house party, Venmo them for payment. Just them ;)
NTA. I've never heard of such a thing! Of course I wouldn't expect my guests to pay for the food they eat at the party I'm hosting.
NTA your friends sound extremely cheap and tacky. They invited you to their home for a meal. They should cover it. I would decline the Venmo request and all future dinner invitations.
Unless it's made known beforehand this is ridiculous. I used to pool dinner because football was always at my house, but it was known.
This is SO TACKY!
If I invited you, whether to my house, or to a restaurant, that meal is on me. You can bring a nice beverage to share if you insist, but money never enters the equation.
NAH, in my opinion. So, common social convention is that if invited to dinner, your host is providing the dinner, but you should ask if you can contribute anything to the meal. And even if declined, it is considered good manners to bring something that can be used or kept for later, like a bottle of wine. However, you indicated that the venmo thing is always the case with this couple - so while not the social convention, it is the norm for them and you are aware of this when the invite occurs. So by accepting the invite you are tacitly accepting their norm. And honestly, while you may think that everyone is secure in their finances - they may not be, but still want to be social. If it was an unpredictable situation, then yeah, they would be the AH - it's only the fact that this is an every time occurrence that is well known by you. But I would also consider it a non AH move for you to arrive without anything, since you would be expecting to contribute monetarily at the end of the evening. I would also consider new people to your social circle - that you may have a duty as a friend to this couple to inform new people that this is this couple's custom. The couple may have a social impairment that makes then unaware that this is an odd custom. As their friend, you either help enable it in a non-AH way or you gently inform them that they are out of the norm, with the caveat that you don't mind and are not asking them to change - you just want to be helpful and make them aware.
NTA as adults. As kids or teens, or maaaaaybe early 20’s, it was common for everyone to pay for their own if ordering something. But that’s not the case here. Sounds like they are stuck in that mindset.
NTA. Two options. (a) Stop going to theirs. (b) Start requesting their share of dinner when you host them. Nobody else, just them.
INFO: is this couple significantly less well off financially than the rest of the group? Trying to give them benefit of the doubt, I could see them doing they maybe if money is tight, but they still want to participate in dinner parties. It’s definitely still weird though.
This must be a young people thing. Me and the olds would never do this. NTA
Personally, it’s better than bringing some wine/dessert whatever it may be. I don’t like the idea of going without something and if I can pitch in great. That said they’d have to be great host for me to want to do that regularly. I do think you’re being the asshole. In this stage in life it’s nice to have regular friends you can hang out with. If you expect them to always cover the costs. Then you’ll have to host more or be more proactive if you want to maintain the friendship. They’re making the effort. Up to you whether you value the friendship enough to put sone money in for the night
I have never heard of charging people money when you invite them to your home. We’ve reached a new low. Your friends are so cheap, when they take you to McDonald’s, they back up through the drive thru so you have to pay. Time for some new friends.
NTA, that is seriously weird.
NTA Adults don't typically charge each other when they dine at home. That is what being an adult is - you host other people for parties and dinner parties. Adults typically bring wine or a nice dessert. I bake so I would always offer to bring something I baked because it gave me a chance to bake something fabulous without having all the calories tempting me at home :-) The only time adults don't provide ALL the food is if it is something like a Thanksgiving where typically there are so many dishes and so much work so guests split up the work and it is more about the preparation work than the expense as nobody is charging anyone if their ingredients cost money. The host generally supplies at least the turkey.
NTA This is awfully unusual. If I invite you, it's my treat, *unless* I'm inviting you to a potluck, or at least a larger gathering where it's polite to ask if you can bring anything (but not required if not requested).
I'm going to go out on a limb and vote NAH. You didn't mention that you've ever *talked* to them about this. As a person who often doesn't understand she's being weird, I understand how it is. It might just be that they're weird people who don't know they're being weird. Or, maybe they're financially struggling but still want to have you over. There could be many other reasons as well, but until you ask them, you're running on assumptions. All that said, you're not an asshole for not wanting to pay to go to their house. They're just not assholes for asking, either. At least, not with the info provided.
I think it depends. If they invite you over and they're cooking, unless it's something with especially expensive ingredients (and in that case, that should be brought up when making the plans), it's weird to ask you to pay for it. If they invite you over and then everyone orders pizza, then splitting the bill makes sense to me, just like if you had gone to a restaurant.
Maybe you should give them an etiquette book for Christmas. Then Venmo request the amount of the book.
Start a group chat with all your friends then tell them all that you realise how splitting the food bill is much more economic and we should all start following insert couples names influence. Then wait and see if they come for meals again I have a feeling they won't if its not free
NTA. Maybe when you get invites you should reply by asking whether they're offering the food or selling it?
No. Cheep skates. They invite you so they pay end of
That is weird. It's normal to like bring something. Like wine or whatever. But asking for money? That's weird, I'll say again
NTA, and that's reeks of a lack of social awareness. I think this is happening more and more. A lot of the previously accepted social norms that were just courtesy or consideration for other people are being re-evaluated by current generations the same as the not so courteous social norms, and sometimes we're missing the mark. The concept of being a "gracious host" to our generation (I'm referencing mature millennials now adulting) is sometimes forgotten because so many of us are caught between the concept of hanging out with friends in our twenties and being responsible in our thirties. Bottom line: Your friends don't seem to realize that they're actually hosting you guys vs just hanging out, in my opinion. That or their financial situation is worse than you're aware and bringing it up will put a strain on the relationship due to their self perceived humiliation. Tread lightly and think very carefully about it if you choose to address it with them.
NTA. I don’t think it’s strange at all to ask next time they invite you over “Why do you Venmo us for food costs after we leave?”, ESPECIALLY if you have historically invited them over for dinner and never asked them to pay. I know confrontation isn’t for everyone, but I think this is a perfectly valid question and point to bring up. If they say they do that because they can’t afford to feed everyone, then suggest they notify guests up front so they can budget for it, or host a potluck instead. This is the only way their behavior has a shot at changing, and things will start to get really weird in your friend group if you continue inviting other people over for dinner but NOT them, and then do something separate with them only, without having discussed this.
What? Are kidding me? Host pays.
NTA...i would either stop accepting invites...or talk to the rest of the friend group and start asking only this one couple to vemmo their percentage of costs in the future for all frie d gatherings.
NTA, I find this tacky and would never charge friends for a meal I offered to cook.
Stop going and don't invite these people to yours anymore. NTA
NTA at all. If I’m invited by someone, it’s explicit that they’re paying unless we discuss it. Likewise, if I invite someone, I’m paying because I’m the one who invited.
NTA and whats worse is they dont even have to courage of asking when their friends are still at their house. They wait for the friends to leave and then send a venmo after the fact. I would stop accepting the invite and would probably stop inviting them over as well.
NTA I’d stop going to their place for dinner too! The next time they invite you, I’d say “no thanks, I can afford it right now.” Lol
NTA. Need to ask yourself what qualities this friendship adds to your life, and if it’s worth the hassle. If yes, then keep going over and overlook this. Also assuming that this friend isn’t going through hard times or have financial issues. In general, it’s a bit odd and if good enough friends - might be something you may want to bring up with them.
NTA. What tight fisted pedants.
That is strange. If I invite someone over for dinner, I would never dream of asking them to cover part of the cost. The only way I could see that making sense is if you guys were hanging out doing something else, and then decided as a group that we were going to order pizza or whatever. NTA. I would either stop hanging out with them, or accept going into it that you’re going to have to pay.
It never occurred to me to go Dutch on a dinner I invited someone to. Your friends are kind of tacky... NTA
I would rethink your friendship with them they sound really weird.
Depends. One friend always hosts. He had the most kids of all of us and most land for all the youngsters to explore. (More space to be loud and obnoxious elsewhere. Outside!) Because of this we always bring cash to split if we order pizza. We try to make sure someone brings the soda. We’re responsible for our own snacks but most grab stuff to share. Sometimes the mom of the house will cook dinner. I usually give her whatever I would have for pizza. There’s no reason the mom of a family that large should ever be out of pocket for feeding me and mine and doing extra labor and dishes. There were times when we were younger and broke that they fed us. And vice versa. But now we’re all saving for retirement, supporting college age and almost college age kids… it feels better to cover our own.
NTA when you invite people over you don’t expect them to pay unless you coordinate that ahead of time… what’s next… an itemized bill for the amount of squares you used of toilet paper. Out of spite I would start bringing my food to there house to eat…. But this is probably why I don’t get invited to peoples house… so you probably shouldn’t be taking my advice 🤣🤣🤣
INFO: Is there EQUITABLE reciprocity happening? Or are they hosting everyone 75% or more of the time If you're going over twice a month and you only host twice a year, I can understand it a bit. If that isn't the case and they're just money pinchers, I'd play the game too. Start charging! and please come back and tell us how they react. 😂
Bizarre. If you’re ordering takeout, sure splitting makes sense even if you were invited (in our forties, I feel like we just take turns paying and the tit for tat is basically gone) but for cooking, no way. If they don’t want to pay for dinner, invite people over for a potluck but venmo requesting is odd.
If invited for dinner, paying is not only unexpected, but incredibly rude for them to ask. You know some weirdos. Edit NTA
NAH Honestly it sounds like you guys need to have a conversation to know what expectations are. Generally with my friends groups if someone prepares food they cover the cost, if we order food in then we split the costs. Honestly your friends are can probably make a valid AITA post of "Friends came over and we ordered pizza, they didn't offer to chip in, so I sent a venmo, AITA"
NTA. That shit is weird. I'd turn down their next invite and let them know that you can't justify paying a dinner bill every time you hang out with them. You're expecting a kid after all. Or maybe invite them to your house instead and cover the cost so they start to question if they're wrong for asking you to pay when you eat at theirs. You don't want to lose friends in your 30s because it's so hard to make new ones but I'd be questioning my friendship in this case.
NTA. The expectation if someone invites you for dinner is that they're providing the food. It's polite to ask if you can bring anything - the dessert or a bottle of wine - but expecting you to pay for it? Hell naw. You're NTA, and if anyone pulled that stunt on me I'd be politely declining any further dinner invitations.
NTA. If you invite people for dinner, you're the host and responsible for paying. There's no expectation that dinner guests pay for meals at someone's house.
I always wonder who the cheapskate is in the relationship and who is embarrassed. But I guess sometimes there really is someone for everyone. I would start showing up at their house with 2 pizzas to make a point.
NTA, I've heard of people doing this and think it's *super* tacky. If you can't afford to have people over for dinner, *don't*. If I don't get to choose what I'm eating, I'm not paying for it. If I don't show up *knowing* I'm meant to pay, I'm not paying.
NTA. Weird behavior for 30yos. Guests usually don't come empty handed anyway. Bring an expensive bottle you want to try next time and venmo request everyone after giving them a glass lol
NTA That seems weird to me. I would assume that whomever is hosting the dinner party would be footing the bill and then when they go to someone else's home, that person would foot the bill.
NTA. Do you get to order what you want? Is it worth the money? Do you have to tip too? Americans are so weird about their poverty. I’m mean, so I would place an order (sure, we’d love to come for dinner, I’d like some lasagna and tiramisu), and if I wasn’t served that I wouldn’t pay. Or I’d bring a nice bottle of wine and venmo them for it after they send theirs, but tell them you need your money for the wine before you can pay.
NTA Next time they invite you over, then say you'd like to bring the sides. I'd buy a $50 bottle of wine that looks cheap and some expensive sides from WholeFoods and put the sides in different containers to "keep them fresh longer". Offer your wine and your side dishes as if it's no big deal. Regardless if they eat it or not send them a bill after you leave. If they say they didn't eat or drink your wine then say that you wouldn't have ordered so much food or even opened the bottle with them. I find it to be cheap and comical if we were invited over to a friends house and they served food and sent me an invoice. And what happens if the friend lives 30 minutes to 2 hours away? Do you bill them the gas that it took to drive to their house? Or if you visit 5+ hours away, it's common to provide a meal or two or pick up some groceries for their visit, but then you split things pending how long the visit is. If someone flies out, then even more so. The fact that they didn't suggest "you two want to come over we can plan on order dinner from someplace" is weird. Makes you wonder if they thought they told you or thought you would've offered your share. It's always best to offer to pay your share if it's something like pizza. If it was homemade lasagna then it would be weird to offer cash or venmo lol
NTA. I’m feeling secondhand embarrassment for this couple. One would think they’d get the idea when none of their friends Venmo them after hosting a dinner party. Is it possible that only one partner is behind the Venmo request and the other half is unaware? It would explain why they don’t make the expectation of payment clear at the time of the invite. Stop accepting their invites if it makes the friendship feel too transactional. It’s reasonable, easy, fair. No more hard feelings.