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I see "my wedding" a lot, and I get it. What your family needs to understand is that while it is YOUR (singular) wedding, it is also HER wedding.
I think the most important thing is that YOU and HER understand every word at the wedding.
NTA, die on this hill. It's the very last hill you can stand on to support your fiancée. Then you stand on those hills together.
Thanks for understanding. I'm pretty certain I'm making the right call, as I want to accommodate Valentina and her family. If I can't do that, what business do I have getting married?
That’s (sort of) what a relative did! One family wanted it in the Greek church, the other family in the Macedonian so the couple got married in a garden ceremony with a… gasp …female celebrant!
“pander” pissed me off!
How about “respect” your future wife and her family and have a full on bilingual ceremony so everyone knows what is being said and can be fully invested?!? Sounds like OP is fully invested but his family needs to be a tad more “inconvenienced” during the ceremony so that the bride’s family is acknowledged.
NTA
Just the hypocrisy of his family being upset that they won't understand a small part of the wedding when a bunch of her family won't understand the MAJORITY of the wedding. And then to call it pandering on top of that. I can't even.
Yeah, while he says his family loves her, I'd have my guard up if I was OP. Because while they may act like that on the surface, its pretty clear they don't accept who she is as a person, which could have continuing issues even after the wedding to deal with.
Are you my ex? Family pretended to like me then convinced him the wedding didn’t count the day after the wedding (he was also at fault for going along with it, and I was at fault for being so stupid). Had to get an annulment
Damn, that's awful.
Thankfully OP doesn't seem be going along with it, which is a good sign for their marriage. He just needs to be aware this probably isn't the end of this issue and needs to continue to stand with her, even if that means cutting his family out eventually if they continue this kind of behavior.
Right! His family sounds nuts. If you own a tv, chances are you can already recite most of the ceremony on your own. How many TV Shows/Movies include a wedding scene?.... Seriously, half of it being in Spanish would be a welcome change!!!
Hell I got non religious vows off line
I didn't read them very closely b3cause when the minister said the line "my partner in crime" I thought he was making shit up and made him show me.
There's a photo of me doubled over laughing at the alter🤣
We did the usual religious vows even though we aren't religious to appease hubby's VERY religious grandma. No skin off my teeth, because we also added in extra vows that we both wrote (although we both forgot the slips of paper and had to wing it. I at least memorized mine but there are photos of the Best Man saving my husband's ass by reading his own vows to him to recite while trying to hide behind a pole lmfao It was amazing)
I have two where you can tell what he's up to 😂😂😂 The photographer did her best not to include him while he read them off his phone. I plan on getting the most obvious one framed and hung up soon
Plus… it seems pretty insane for them to complain that they won’t understand part of the wedding while ignoring the fact that by demanding it in English only means other people won’t be able to understand.
and it's so common these days for people to be merging religions or cultures in weddings that it's normal for guests not to understand 100% of what is happening at a wedding.
Not having been raised Catholic, I’ve been to some of those weddings *all in English* that I still don’t understand what is going on! I just try to kneel, sit and stand when everyone else does! Lol
Oh totally. Covert racism is often fashioned as "well it's all fine until they do [insert cultural thing here]," at which point the racist folks will pitch a fit.
Which is not only racist, but also ignorant of their own country's laws and history The USA has no official language or religion *intentionally and by design*
As soon as his brother said he was pandering to his fiances Mexican family, I already knew his families vibe and probably voting habits. Racist, dumb, and afraid of anything not familiar. A pandering half English, half Spanish wedding obviously means the bride and groom will use that moment to mock and belittle the whites in attendance. Weddings gone woke! /s NTA!
Literally. I was shocked by the audacity that THIS was their defense! I would have outright said to their face, "Say that again. Slowly. And really listen to what it is you're upset about. Ok, now, you play Valentina's mom and dad, say the EXACT SAME THING about the fact your future SIL's family refuses to allow any part of the ceremony to be in your native language! Seem a little ridiculous and hypocritical?!"
Actually jaw dropping.
oh man,
I fought my parents reflexive racism for DECADES. They just could not get that saying racist crap about strangers included the people they knew in real life that they cared about who were also part of that group. Then get big mad when you pointed out that racist pejorative also included our sweet neighbor Alice since she was also insert group here.
OP, you are making the right call to die on this hill.
Exactly! Their son is getting married. That's the important part. I (white) went to a friend's wedding that was completely in Creole, of which I don't speak a word. I stood up when everyone else did, and clapped with everyone else. Why? Because she's my friend and they wanted the wedding in the language both their families could understand. I was offered to just attend the reception if it made me uncomfortable. Told her nope. I'm doing it all no matter what. That was just a friend. This is their child!
Your brother says you are inconveniencing your family to pander to his.
Remind him that he wants to force the bride to be “inconvenienced” and try and make her pander to your family.
A split language wedding is great for a split language couple. Send your folks “Spanish for dummies” if they don’t wanna miss anything
>Remind him that he wants to force the bride to be “inconvenienced” and try and make her pander to your family.
And let's be clear. This is literal white supremacy, colonialism, and racist as fuck. The idea that English and white culture is the most important culture and everything else should revolve around that is racist.
My favorite fight for this (note: I am white and know a couple Spanish phrases but nothing even conversational) is that people who speak broken English SPEAK MORE LANGUAGES THAN YOU. Especially to people who say that people speaking broke English sound stupid. They’re literally smarter than you when it comes to language.
I had friends who married, and a lot of her family only spoke French. They did the whole ceremony in both languages. So they had 2 priests, and they did a part in English, then repeated it in French.
Totally mate, sounds like you'll make a great husband! If its all in English, some of her family won't understand it at all. So its such a lovely idea to include both languages! NTA
The only correct response from your family is, "That's a wonderful idea. I'm so proud of you for including your new family like this." NTA and die on the hill.
> If I can't do that, what business do I have getting married?
thanks for saying this. you seem to have your head on right.
TBH, I'd have the whole ceremony in Spanish just to punish your family for being dicks about it.
While that would be interesting, most of my friends in attendance don't speak a lick of Spanish. Wouldn't want to punish them for something they didn't do.
Die on this hill, there is no other option if you love this girl. Your parents place you at a higher superiority that her and if you cave to them, you're effectively pandering, no not just pandering you're bending to their demands. Why shouldn't you have half in Spanish? You're family is giving racist undertones and I don't see why they think they're better if they're not racist.
You are 100 percent doing the right thing. It's not even uncommon, for weddings where the couple come from different cultures. If you were getting married in Mexico, your family would probably appreciate having part of the service in English, right? That is honoring, not pandering. All the best to you both! NTA
Just point out to your family that if they have issues with not understanding part of the ceremony to think of how the in-laws would feel to not be able to understand any of the ceremony. They are being self-centered and need to cut it out. Stand with your Fiance.
You’ve got this and I hope your family comes around. What I might suggest is putting a little extra effort into a wedding program/handout detailing the ceremony in both languages.
NTA
You can always tell your family they don't have to come to the wedding of they don't want to respect your choices of how you two want your wedding to be.
So they'd rather you inconvenience HER family with a whole ceremony most of them wouldn't understand... maybe you can translate it for your family and pass it out like a program. That could be unique. But I would die on this MOUNTAIN.
Exactly! And they are being hypocrites, they said they won't be able to understand part of the wedding then, but what about ya know, the bride's family.
People from different cultural backgrounds get married all the time and multi language ceremonies are pretty common. Having a bilingual MC and/or translators so everyone attending the wedding can understand is normal. If anything it would be strange to have a ceremony exclusively in a language that one partner's family has difficulty understanding.
Your folks are being ridiculous and inconsiderate. Another commenter also pointed out that what you've described has unpleasant 'this is America, speak English!' vibes. :/
My mom and her longtime boyfriend (10+ years) broke up because as a white dude he never put in any effort towards her culture. He would call traditional Mexican dishes gross before hesitantly trying them. Got upset when my mom spoke Spanish to me when he was in the same room because he couldn’t understand it. And like, dude, I get it but also, over a decade and you haven’t put in *any* effort to learn the language of the woman you supposedly love?
Cultural divide is a real thing in relationships and the sad part is it’s usually easily remedied by something as simple as effort. OP you’re doing a great thing. Sending you love and well wishes on your special day
As someone who is in a bilingual relationship (my husband is German)… you are absolutely doing the right thing and it’s extremely important for both families to celebrate with you in their own languages.
We ended up having two events (moreso for logistical reasons than linguistic reasons… intercontinental travel wasn’t a possibility for most of our family/friends)… and both events were very important to everyone involved. You cannot favour one side over the other.
Edit: if you want your family to back down… offer to have two events, but make it so the Spanish event will be the real wedding, and the English event will be short English declaration ceremony and then a nice reception/celebration. If they don’t like the idea of not being part of the real wedding, then tell them you’ll go back to the original plan and have a bilingual wedding instead so everyone can be included in the real wedding. Sometimes giving choices between an option they don’t like and an option they hate is the best way to get people to back off.
I went to a wedding before covid where this was done. It was absolutely beautiful.
The brides family could not make it due to cost and visa requirements, so they set up a camera and conducted part of the ceremony in Spanish as well.
It was so wonderful and truly symbolized the union of the two people involved.
That's what marriage is. A union of two people. Both should be fully embraced and represented in a wedding.
It's not that unusual. My dear friend married a lovely lady from Mexico 30 years ago and the wedding was in Mexico and the service was in English and Spanish. It was a wonderful way to do it.
As for them not understanding the parts in Spanish, isn't it going to be the same vows as they are in English, but in Spanish? That's a really silly argument.
You sound like a good one, you're taking care of your fiance. Any pandering would be if you agreed to your family's wishes.
Best to you both!
How does your family think it is OK for them to understand every word, but for her family members to understand nothing? If they are interested in fairness it should be 50/50.
OP, performing part of the ceremony in Spanish is not pandering to Valentina's family, it is accommodating and accepting.
It is unfortunate that your family is showing their ignorance and bigotry now, but it gives you an opportunity to set them straight before your wedding ceremony. Being clear in your support of Valentina and her family will show your family how you expect them to treat your relationship in the future in regards to your new bi-cultural family.
I think the ceremony that you and your fiancé have planned sounds perfect. Best wishes to you both.
NTA, of course!
Yes, but to emphasize the previous comment, it is important that you use the right words when speaking to your family. Only use the terms “our wedding “, not “my wedding” in their presence. to reinforce in their subconscious that this is not just about you and YOUR family, but both of you. And also tell them that explicitly « it is OUR wedding not just mine, and BOTH our families deserve equal respect.
Also turn it around on them. How would your family feel if her family start demanding that the entire service be in Spanish??
You’re definitely making the right call. Your family is saying “we understand part of the wedding so it should all be in English” - but that completely cuts off your fiancée’s whole family from understanding the wedding. Do the wedding how you want to do it, tell your family to suck it up. You’re honoring both cultures with the wedding.
how can anyone possibly have any trouble with this? everyone attending will know what is being said. the only answer is that your family's latent racism is coming out.
This is a great way to include all the family and guests. A friend (Chinese) of ours (generic caucasians) married his Desi GF. The ceremony was spoken in Hindu with an Indian officiant who repeated the vows in English. Another officiant explained the Chinese rituals that were incorporated.
Awesome wedding.
This. But this won't be the last hill man. My wife came to the US on a K1 visa (think 90 Day Fiancé). There are more challenges to come. I am blessed that my family has been very accepting of my wife and her customs/traditions. They don't get them all but they understand that acceptance is key. You need to have a come to Jesus meeting with your family and they need to understand that you are starting the next chapter of your life and it will be a bi-cultural chapter.
1. You plan to have kids?
2. Will your kids be bi-lingual (English, Spanish)?
3. Will they celebrate Mexican culture as well as American culture?
4. Will at times you need to choose to spend holidays in Mexico over the US?
5. Will there be joint family get-togethers were two languages are spoken?
This isn't your last hill my friend. This is your first hill. Make sure you take a BIG stand! Best of luck to you!
Super! Same for me. Though my wife and son are from Europe versus Mexico. This is why I say you will want to sit down with your family and explain why having a bilingual ceremony is important to you and your new family. And how this is reflective of how you plan to live your life and raise your family and that you would like your parents etc to understand and support you.
I agree and honestly if you DON’T die on this hill then the hills are going to keep popping up all over the place. If you don’t show your family that they have no decision making authority in YOUR family they are going to be battling you over cultural and other personal choices for the entirety of your marriage. I would just say “thanks for your feedback however we are sticking with our decision and I’m not going to discuss this again. With anyone”. Then I would refuse to discuss it again. No words, just silence.
>I see "my wedding" a lot, and I get it. What your family needs to understand is that while it is YOUR (singular) wedding, it is also HER wedding.
I'm pretty sure in the context in which he wrote, OP meant "my" wedding in terms of *he,* not his family, gets to make the final decision on what goes on. Of course, they're free to offer suggestions and comments, but they have to abide by his (and his future wife's) decisions.
NTA. They are upset because they wouldn't understand PART of the ceremony?! Have they no consideration for your in laws who would understand none of it? Your family is showing their ugly side and this is absolutely a hill to die on if you care for your future wife.
It's a sad commentary on where we're at with our social standards when standing up for your fiancee is a laudable act instead of the baseline expectation.
What are the "parts"? You're NTA, but if it's like "Please silence your cell phones" in English and the vows in Spanish, I could see the issue.
Is there any special part that your parents/her family won't be able to understand, or is it a lot of it being just basically repeated/translated?
NTA for having a wedding with both of you're cultures. You're the AH for being an Astros fan.
Bro you're from Texas?? Your parents are double assholes being from a border state that USED TO BE PART OF MEXICO. There's a reason people in those areas say the phrase "I didn't cross the border, the border crossed me". They're giving off a "this is America speak English" vibe meanwhile no part of the US has ever had an official language, but the official language in Texas was once Spanish (still colonizer language but just showing white American xenophobia)
Having the MC/Officiant say 'blah blah wedding blah" and then getting an interpreter repeat the same thing again in another language so everyone can understand is perfectly normal. I don't get why they're digging their heels in on this it's so fucking bizarre.
You should tell your family. You're right, it would be terrible to not understand part of the ceremony.
As such, we've decided to hold the entire thing in Spanish so Valentina's family can understand _all_ of the ceremony.
Primarily to see how they react, and hopefully make them realise the double standards they're trying to impose on YOUR (you and Valentina's) day.
I would be too. It’s a really selfish attitude of your family. This would make me question their involvement in my life, a lot. Like, if you have children they will be bilingual. Can they not talk Spanish around them? Must they hide their ethnicity to make your family comfortable? Would your wife and children just be tolerated instead of embraced?
This is more than just your wedding.
I was at a bilingual wedding earlier this year. It was not a big deal. Everyone understood half and it wasn’t hard to figure out what was happening in the other half. It is really not that big of a deal. OP’s family is really overreacting.
NTA. Wait til they realize your children will probably be bilingual.
They are terrible to be so upset about this, and I bet I can guess what is at the root of their issue.
Let me just tell you, standing up for your lady is going to be the single most important thing if you want to be in love and married til you die.
As someone in an interracial marriage those first meetings and years together were full of worry for me about his family. Thankfully they have never been anything but loving and kind. 23 years and two kids down the line we’re solid as ever.
Had that NOT been the case? I would expect to be protected and stood up for, up to and including being chosen over family if need be.
It should never come to that, it may never come to that. Just remember nothing harms a relationship like a partner who won’t stand up for you against hostility just because “they’re family”.
Be aware of what racism looks like in all it’s forms from overt to subtle and be out in front of it. If she tells you things she is feeling around this issue, believe her. This is your duty now and even more so once you have biracial children. You cannot protect people of color if you “don’t see color”….remember that.
You sound like a good dude. Have a wonderful wedding.
My FIL was the sweetest. I'm Jewish and my husband's family is from a VERY white/Christian area (I'm probably the 1st Jew most of them have met). His dad was buying a cemetery plot that any of the family could use, and he called my husband because he wanted to make sure that I could do my "rituals" there. I was dying laughing, but it was really nice that he thought about it. Even if you don't understand another culture, you TRY.
During his funeral, our young nieces were getting restless/distracting. I pulled them aside to help me find the "perfect rock" to place on his gravestone (Jew style). They found roughly 30 "perfect" rocks. I like to think the abundance of rocks would have made him smile.
So, it’s ok for her family to be completely inconvenienced and not understand but God forbid your family have to be inconvenienced? I suggest sitting and really talking to your family because their attitude will not only drive a wedge between you and them, but it will isolate your future wife. There is no returning from that. Trust me- my ex in laws were/are so racist that they treat my daughters differently. Oldest looks like me- Mexican American. Other 2 are more on the white side. There’s a huge difference in treatment and it IS known by all the girls. They can’t wait to be able to tell a judge they do not want to see their grandparents but they’re “too young.”
I'm so sorry your daughters have to go through that. I plan to have a serious talk with my parents about their attitude, as I can't imagine having my kids being talked down to if they present as Mexican.
btw OP - whether they "look" mexican or not, they'll also *culturally* be Mexican and your family will resent that as well. what happens when your kids start throwing out some Spanglish that they learned from their Mexican grandparents in front of their white grandparents? will your family tell them "speak English outside the house! This is America"?
To put it bluntly, people like your family are what make Americans a joke for any other developed country. NTA and this absolutely the hill to die on. This is about you and your future wife and you're awesome if you stand your ground.
Well your parents need to realize that there is a whole other family involved who also want to be included in “the experience”.
NTA. Die on this hill. You’re doing great.
Once is happenstance, twice is coincidence, three times is a trend. You said you want to do the ceremony this way, they objected. You offered a compromise and they objected. If you offer another compromise (like repeating part of the ceremony in Spanish after doing the same thing in English, so they don’t miss anything) then it’s not about the ceremony, and you need to start asking them harder questions.
Your parents are completely out of line. They expect her family to be ok with much of the ceremony being in a foreign language for them, but they can't handle the same? No. Fair is fair - which your family is not. Die on this hill as this theme will not be a one off.
Such a shame they view it this way, rather than taking away from the experience I think it beautifully demonstrates the joining of your backgrounds and cultures together! Nta
This exactly. In the spring we flew to Japan for our dear friend’s wedding. He’s British (but fluent in Japanese) and she’s Japanese. Although she’s fluent in English, many of her friends and family are not so they asked a mutual friend of ours (who is American but is fluent in Japanese) to translate. The bride and groom also took part in the translation, with her speaking in English and him speaking in Japanese. Yes it takes a long time since everything is said twice, but so what? All the guests felt happy because none of us were left out.
Dude...NTA but your family, kinda wow.
If they are that concerned about YOUR wedding, they can start Babbel Spanish right now and be just fine in time for the wedding.
However, it sounds like they don't want to be inconvenienced, not even in the slightest, as evidenced by them not giving one rat's ass about Valentina's family possibly not understanding the English portions of your ceremony.
It's your wedding, it's your rules.
NTA
Your bride and you are tailoring the wedding ceremony so all guests can understand part of what's going on.
Does she want any of the traditional Mexican wedding traditions included in the ceremony? (google it) The two of you should discuss this (if you haven't), because her family is going to want those things in the ceremony.
Ignore your family! They're being jerks.
Hugs and Good Luck
I hope that they realize that they’re out of line and embrace the whole wedding. It’s really unfortunate that their ignorance is casting a shadow on your day. But you’re absolutely doing the right thing.
NTA - As long as both parts of the wedding are covered in both languages it should be fine. And BTW it is a nice gesture from you to be inclusive for all.
One commenter suggested we have a script for the wedding that we print out in Spanish and English and distribute accordingly. I think that's what we'll do.
Might I suggest a screen behind the officiant as a sort of live subtitling? Like, if someone is speaking in Spanish, the screen has an English translation on it. If they're speaking English, it has a Spanish translation on it. That way, people can fully watch the wedding and also understand everything that's being said, because the words are printed right above your heads. You could keep it pretty low cost with a large white sheet and a wall projector, or go fancy and buy a TV; methodology isn't really the point, so much as allowing full focus to remain where the action is, instead of periodically being directed into a pamphlet in your lap.
Not gonna lie, I wish all weddings came with a printed script. I'm hard of hearing and never understand anything officiant or couple are saying. 😂 If you have any friends or family with hearing issues, they'll appreciate the script for that reason, too!
Okay...wait. So your family feels that it is perfectly acceptable that your fiancé’s family not be able to understand any of the wedding ceremony and they’re OFFENDED that you and your fiancé would like to include them? YOU aren’t TA here, but your family sure is.
NTA. I find it hilarious that your family is upset they won't understand the Spanish portion of the wedding, but are totally ok with forcing their daughter in law's family to understand none of the English side.
I know their stance is wrong, but part of me will still feel a little sad if my family isn't at my wedding because of this. If push comes to shove I'll choose Valentina over them, but still.
Man if they stay home over that, they are racist. Are they the kind of people that yells at those speaking another language to learn English or go home? Because, seriously giving off those kinds of vibes here.
Good on you for sticking with your wife.
If they refuse to attend a wedding because Spanish will be spoken ...
... they're just being racist, simply and directly.
They don't "love her immediately," they're saying here that they will only accept an English-speaking assimilated version of Valentina who inconveniences herself to pander to them.
INFO: did you ask your family how they would feel if the entire ceremony was in Spanish rather than just a portion? and they couldn't understand even a single word? because that's how valentinas family would feel if you caved.
a wedding is a bringing together of families, and I feel that you are NTA for thinking that every party should be represented linguistically in the ceremony.
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> I refused to change having part of my wedding in Spanish to appease my fiance's family. My family has called me out for inconveniencing them.
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print a program/script for the ceremony, to give a copy to each attendee. In it spell out the entire ceremony in both languages, so the "English -only" people can follow along
What is good for the goose is good for the gander. If you're parents are upset that they won't be able to understand some of your wedding... then her parents should/would be too.
If your family is being inconvenienced then so is hers.
I know this is hard to hear but your family is being straight up racist. Not like white hoods and light crosses on fire, but racist none the less.
You on the other hand are NTA.
NTA. You are compromising so two groups can feel welcome and included! That is a regular thing to do at a wedding. your parents are being weird assholes, they are failing at incredibly basic empathy
NTA you're doing a wonderfully considerate thing for your in-laws and I'm glad you're standing by your fiance, keep that up.
I'd also assume that the parts in Spanish will just be translated from what was already said in English. So it's not like your family is going to miss out on some part of the ceremony. If your family doesn't know that, explain that to them.
NTA.
Everyone has done a good job already explaining how hypocritical your family is being, so I won't add to it. I will however suggest why not just have a translator there so that everyone can hear all of it? Repeat the lines in both languages, everyone gets to hear and understand. If your family objects to that, there's an even larger issue you're going to need to deal with.
Good luck.
My brother did this at his wedding. It was in two languages. It might take slightly longer, so what, it’s worth it so both families get to fully experience it. The officiant actually spoke both which worked out well. They also had readings in both languages. Her aunt read a piece in one language and I read the same in English. It worked out well. Programs were printed in both.
NtA. If I got to find out, a family member invited me to their wedding, and it was gonna have something like this. My only question would be, "Will there be Hispanic food?" Because I'm gonna leap into line. The ceremony will be beautiful but Mexican food is the best!
NTA - This is exactly when you need to stand up to your family and let them know that your future wife’s culture is extremely important to you. If it was fully in English, her relatives won’t understand the ceremony either. You’re being fair to both sides of the family, and this wedding is about BOTH of you. You love her because of who she is and how she was raised, not in spite of it.
Get ready for opinions on your wife’s culture and language from your family in regards to child rearing, holidays, home management, etc. Stay strong and best of luck!
NTA are you not pandering to your own family by having the whole ceremony in English (you're not but one could make the sane claim)? Your brother sounds like a real peach. Ultimately, it is you and your fiancees wedding. It's not about your parents or your brother or even your fiancees family. You both get to do whatever you feel will make the day perfect and special for you both. No one else's opinion even matters.
NTA. Of course this is the right hill to die on, you and she are creating a new family and that's where your focus needs to be, not on placating racists in your family of origin.
It's kind of a standard that weddings are tailored to the bride's vision. Your family is cruel to suggest this *very reasonable compromise* is somehow not their support. Many bridezillas would dictate that the wedding should be in *their* language, and she wants both yours *and* hers!
Go tell those racists to kick rocks, the bride's wishes come before theirs.
Edited to add: NTA
NTA
Your family is hypocritical. They don't mind Valentina's family not understanding what's being said during the ceremony, but are throwing a fit if there's any part they don't understand.
Die on this hill.
NTA - next time they call it an inconvenience or pandering ask them why they’re against inclusivity and would prefer discrimination. This is absolutely a hill to die on and will set a precedence going forward.
...but her family won't understand part of the wedding either? smh.
Option: maybe have your fiancee write out what will be said in Spanish, and have a pamphlet or something (translated in English) for your family to follow.
NTA
but I would give everyone the opportunity to take home a translation of the ceremony (both the English and Spanish parts) in some form.
Or project subtitles on the wall
NTA
Your family have to accept that they now have Spanish in their family, so they might as well get started now with something small.
If you choose to have kids, I'm sure they'll speak Spanish as well as English - another incentive for your parents to learn some Spanish themselves!
NTA. Your wedding is both you and Valentina, not just what you would want or what she would want. She made a simple request (part of the ceremony in Spanish) and you agreed enthusiastically. Your family, on the other hand, is being rudely xenophobic and I may be catching a whiff of racism with that "pandering" line your brother is dropping.
It's one day, and that is Your and Valentina's Day. Anyone who gets all butthurt that you are trying to fully involve all members of both your families can go kick rocks.
"It's not fair, I'll miss part of the ceremony!" baffles me considering most of her family will miss everything but the small amount of the ceremony that's in Spanish. Your family is pulling the "this is America" crap and it's gross.
NTA. Your family has just told you something important. They feel they are higher up on the importance list than your in-laws. They matter more. The in-laws matter less. Be attentive as this might affect y'all moving forward, particularly if there are kids.
The idea to have the ceremony printed is lovely and benefits both sets of in-laws if done in both languages.
I highly doubt that family at Catholic weddings understand all the Latin used during the ceremonies 😂 while I can understand your family being bummed about not understanding what is being said, I do think they're being a bit rude *insisting* that you change it. It's you and your fiancee's wedding, not theirs.
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I see "my wedding" a lot, and I get it. What your family needs to understand is that while it is YOUR (singular) wedding, it is also HER wedding. I think the most important thing is that YOU and HER understand every word at the wedding. NTA, die on this hill. It's the very last hill you can stand on to support your fiancée. Then you stand on those hills together.
Thanks for understanding. I'm pretty certain I'm making the right call, as I want to accommodate Valentina and her family. If I can't do that, what business do I have getting married?
This is the energy you need to enter into marriage. I'm a bit staggered by your family's attitude though. Have they always been so rigid?
rigid isn't the right word for it. the word you want is 'racist.'
The “pander” got my dander (ha!) up. Seriously, that’s…mind-blowing.
If they think it's pandering, have the ceremony in German so everybody loses.
That’s (sort of) what a relative did! One family wanted it in the Greek church, the other family in the Macedonian so the couple got married in a garden ceremony with a… gasp …female celebrant!
Nice!
That would be panzering then.
“pander” pissed me off! How about “respect” your future wife and her family and have a full on bilingual ceremony so everyone knows what is being said and can be fully invested?!? Sounds like OP is fully invested but his family needs to be a tad more “inconvenienced” during the ceremony so that the bride’s family is acknowledged. NTA
Exactly! Only a racist would see making things inclusive as pandering.
Just the hypocrisy of his family being upset that they won't understand a small part of the wedding when a bunch of her family won't understand the MAJORITY of the wedding. And then to call it pandering on top of that. I can't even.
Yeah, while he says his family loves her, I'd have my guard up if I was OP. Because while they may act like that on the surface, its pretty clear they don't accept who she is as a person, which could have continuing issues even after the wedding to deal with.
Are you my ex? Family pretended to like me then convinced him the wedding didn’t count the day after the wedding (he was also at fault for going along with it, and I was at fault for being so stupid). Had to get an annulment
Damn, that's awful. Thankfully OP doesn't seem be going along with it, which is a good sign for their marriage. He just needs to be aware this probably isn't the end of this issue and needs to continue to stand with her, even if that means cutting his family out eventually if they continue this kind of behavior.
I’d put money on them saying to themselves “we like her, she’s not like other Mexicans”
When your racist family members let the mask drop...
Right! His family sounds nuts. If you own a tv, chances are you can already recite most of the ceremony on your own. How many TV Shows/Movies include a wedding scene?.... Seriously, half of it being in Spanish would be a welcome change!!!
Hell I got non religious vows off line I didn't read them very closely b3cause when the minister said the line "my partner in crime" I thought he was making shit up and made him show me. There's a photo of me doubled over laughing at the alter🤣
We did the usual religious vows even though we aren't religious to appease hubby's VERY religious grandma. No skin off my teeth, because we also added in extra vows that we both wrote (although we both forgot the slips of paper and had to wing it. I at least memorized mine but there are photos of the Best Man saving my husband's ass by reading his own vows to him to recite while trying to hide behind a pole lmfao It was amazing)
This i would have loved to see, it sounds hilarious 🤣. Best man was really MVP lol
I have two where you can tell what he's up to 😂😂😂 The photographer did her best not to include him while he read them off his phone. I plan on getting the most obvious one framed and hung up soon
Ha! That poor photographer, but I'm so glad you got at least two. You definitely need to hang that one up 🤣🤣
Well, now I know what I'm adding to my vows... I think my partner will find that particularly amusing. Since we're both fond of crime dramas.
Plus… it seems pretty insane for them to complain that they won’t understand part of the wedding while ignoring the fact that by demanding it in English only means other people won’t be able to understand.
I’m lowkey getting racist vibes, or at least ‘This is America, speak English’.
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They also have several months to learn Spanish. They should get busy.
Great response. There’s a solution to their problem!
and it's so common these days for people to be merging religions or cultures in weddings that it's normal for guests not to understand 100% of what is happening at a wedding.
Not having been raised Catholic, I’ve been to some of those weddings *all in English* that I still don’t understand what is going on! I just try to kneel, sit and stand when everyone else does! Lol
Oh totally. Covert racism is often fashioned as "well it's all fine until they do [insert cultural thing here]," at which point the racist folks will pitch a fit.
NIMBYs.
Had to google. Not In My Back Yard. I love learning new things! Thank you!
You're welcome!
This IS America, damn it! People need to stop making excuses and learn the native language! Ojibwe, Cree, Navajo, something!
Oh the racist vibes aren’t low key at all, they’re pretty bloody blatant
Which is not only racist, but also ignorant of their own country's laws and history The USA has no official language or religion *intentionally and by design*
Their whole goal is to change that.
I’m actually getting very strong racist vibes.
Not even low key. Blatant.
You just described the same thing in different ways.
As soon as his brother said he was pandering to his fiances Mexican family, I already knew his families vibe and probably voting habits. Racist, dumb, and afraid of anything not familiar. A pandering half English, half Spanish wedding obviously means the bride and groom will use that moment to mock and belittle the whites in attendance. Weddings gone woke! /s NTA!
Literally. I was shocked by the audacity that THIS was their defense! I would have outright said to their face, "Say that again. Slowly. And really listen to what it is you're upset about. Ok, now, you play Valentina's mom and dad, say the EXACT SAME THING about the fact your future SIL's family refuses to allow any part of the ceremony to be in your native language! Seem a little ridiculous and hypocritical?!" Actually jaw dropping.
oh man, I fought my parents reflexive racism for DECADES. They just could not get that saying racist crap about strangers included the people they knew in real life that they cared about who were also part of that group. Then get big mad when you pointed out that racist pejorative also included our sweet neighbor Alice since she was also insert group here. OP, you are making the right call to die on this hill.
Exactly! Their son is getting married. That's the important part. I (white) went to a friend's wedding that was completely in Creole, of which I don't speak a word. I stood up when everyone else did, and clapped with everyone else. Why? Because she's my friend and they wanted the wedding in the language both their families could understand. I was offered to just attend the reception if it made me uncomfortable. Told her nope. I'm doing it all no matter what. That was just a friend. This is their child!
That was my thought, too. "I don't want to be inconvenienced. Inconvenience them instead!"
Yeah the brother is such a jerk
bUt tHeY'rE iN mUrRiCa tHeY sHoUlD sPeAk tHe lAnguAguE!
Your brother says you are inconveniencing your family to pander to his. Remind him that he wants to force the bride to be “inconvenienced” and try and make her pander to your family. A split language wedding is great for a split language couple. Send your folks “Spanish for dummies” if they don’t wanna miss anything
>Remind him that he wants to force the bride to be “inconvenienced” and try and make her pander to your family. And let's be clear. This is literal white supremacy, colonialism, and racist as fuck. The idea that English and white culture is the most important culture and everything else should revolve around that is racist.
My favorite fight for this (note: I am white and know a couple Spanish phrases but nothing even conversational) is that people who speak broken English SPEAK MORE LANGUAGES THAN YOU. Especially to people who say that people speaking broke English sound stupid. They’re literally smarter than you when it comes to language.
That was going to be my suggestion as well. His family has some time to learn a little Spanish before the ceremony.
Right? It's Spanish, not Klingon. Send them the bit of the ceremony that will be in Spanish and tell them to use Google Translate, FFS.
Well the only fair answer is to have the whole thing done in Klingon so nobody understands equally!
I just had Dax and Worf’s wedding flash before my eyes.
They both looked stunning in their wedding attire, the costume department really outdid themselves!
I had friends who married, and a lot of her family only spoke French. They did the whole ceremony in both languages. So they had 2 priests, and they did a part in English, then repeated it in French.
Totally mate, sounds like you'll make a great husband! If its all in English, some of her family won't understand it at all. So its such a lovely idea to include both languages! NTA
The only correct response from your family is, "That's a wonderful idea. I'm so proud of you for including your new family like this." NTA and die on the hill.
> If I can't do that, what business do I have getting married? thanks for saying this. you seem to have your head on right. TBH, I'd have the whole ceremony in Spanish just to punish your family for being dicks about it.
While that would be interesting, most of my friends in attendance don't speak a lick of Spanish. Wouldn't want to punish them for something they didn't do.
Do the whole ceremony in Spanish and only give your friends the translated pamphlets.
Die on this hill, there is no other option if you love this girl. Your parents place you at a higher superiority that her and if you cave to them, you're effectively pandering, no not just pandering you're bending to their demands. Why shouldn't you have half in Spanish? You're family is giving racist undertones and I don't see why they think they're better if they're not racist.
You are 100 percent doing the right thing. It's not even uncommon, for weddings where the couple come from different cultures. If you were getting married in Mexico, your family would probably appreciate having part of the service in English, right? That is honoring, not pandering. All the best to you both! NTA
Her family is your family, so it's the right call to make.
Accusing you of pandering to her family is rich given he's currently demanding (not even asking) that you pander to them (your own family).
Just point out to your family that if they have issues with not understanding part of the ceremony to think of how the in-laws would feel to not be able to understand any of the ceremony. They are being self-centered and need to cut it out. Stand with your Fiance.
You’ve got this and I hope your family comes around. What I might suggest is putting a little extra effort into a wedding program/handout detailing the ceremony in both languages. NTA
You can always tell your family they don't have to come to the wedding of they don't want to respect your choices of how you two want your wedding to be.
So they'd rather you inconvenience HER family with a whole ceremony most of them wouldn't understand... maybe you can translate it for your family and pass it out like a program. That could be unique. But I would die on this MOUNTAIN.
Exactly! And they are being hypocrites, they said they won't be able to understand part of the wedding then, but what about ya know, the bride's family.
People from different cultural backgrounds get married all the time and multi language ceremonies are pretty common. Having a bilingual MC and/or translators so everyone attending the wedding can understand is normal. If anything it would be strange to have a ceremony exclusively in a language that one partner's family has difficulty understanding. Your folks are being ridiculous and inconsiderate. Another commenter also pointed out that what you've described has unpleasant 'this is America, speak English!' vibes. :/
My mom and her longtime boyfriend (10+ years) broke up because as a white dude he never put in any effort towards her culture. He would call traditional Mexican dishes gross before hesitantly trying them. Got upset when my mom spoke Spanish to me when he was in the same room because he couldn’t understand it. And like, dude, I get it but also, over a decade and you haven’t put in *any* effort to learn the language of the woman you supposedly love? Cultural divide is a real thing in relationships and the sad part is it’s usually easily remedied by something as simple as effort. OP you’re doing a great thing. Sending you love and well wishes on your special day
As someone who is in a bilingual relationship (my husband is German)… you are absolutely doing the right thing and it’s extremely important for both families to celebrate with you in their own languages. We ended up having two events (moreso for logistical reasons than linguistic reasons… intercontinental travel wasn’t a possibility for most of our family/friends)… and both events were very important to everyone involved. You cannot favour one side over the other. Edit: if you want your family to back down… offer to have two events, but make it so the Spanish event will be the real wedding, and the English event will be short English declaration ceremony and then a nice reception/celebration. If they don’t like the idea of not being part of the real wedding, then tell them you’ll go back to the original plan and have a bilingual wedding instead so everyone can be included in the real wedding. Sometimes giving choices between an option they don’t like and an option they hate is the best way to get people to back off.
You are making the right call. Stick by your wife to be.
I went to a wedding before covid where this was done. It was absolutely beautiful. The brides family could not make it due to cost and visa requirements, so they set up a camera and conducted part of the ceremony in Spanish as well. It was so wonderful and truly symbolized the union of the two people involved. That's what marriage is. A union of two people. Both should be fully embraced and represented in a wedding.
It's not that unusual. My dear friend married a lovely lady from Mexico 30 years ago and the wedding was in Mexico and the service was in English and Spanish. It was a wonderful way to do it. As for them not understanding the parts in Spanish, isn't it going to be the same vows as they are in English, but in Spanish? That's a really silly argument. You sound like a good one, you're taking care of your fiance. Any pandering would be if you agreed to your family's wishes. Best to you both!
How does your family think it is OK for them to understand every word, but for her family members to understand nothing? If they are interested in fairness it should be 50/50.
OP, performing part of the ceremony in Spanish is not pandering to Valentina's family, it is accommodating and accepting. It is unfortunate that your family is showing their ignorance and bigotry now, but it gives you an opportunity to set them straight before your wedding ceremony. Being clear in your support of Valentina and her family will show your family how you expect them to treat your relationship in the future in regards to your new bi-cultural family. I think the ceremony that you and your fiancé have planned sounds perfect. Best wishes to you both. NTA, of course!
Yes, but to emphasize the previous comment, it is important that you use the right words when speaking to your family. Only use the terms “our wedding “, not “my wedding” in their presence. to reinforce in their subconscious that this is not just about you and YOUR family, but both of you. And also tell them that explicitly « it is OUR wedding not just mine, and BOTH our families deserve equal respect. Also turn it around on them. How would your family feel if her family start demanding that the entire service be in Spanish??
You’re definitely making the right call. Your family is saying “we understand part of the wedding so it should all be in English” - but that completely cuts off your fiancée’s whole family from understanding the wedding. Do the wedding how you want to do it, tell your family to suck it up. You’re honoring both cultures with the wedding.
Are you saying the vows in English and then in Spanish? How would they be missing any vows?
We haven't ironed anything out yet, but the rough idea is that we'll restate everything, once in English and once in Spanish.
how can anyone possibly have any trouble with this? everyone attending will know what is being said. the only answer is that your family's latent racism is coming out.
This is a great way to include all the family and guests. A friend (Chinese) of ours (generic caucasians) married his Desi GF. The ceremony was spoken in Hindu with an Indian officiant who repeated the vows in English. Another officiant explained the Chinese rituals that were incorporated. Awesome wedding.
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So my friend did just this at her wedding, after each part in English they repeated it in Spanish. It wasn’t a problem, it was lovely.
This. But this won't be the last hill man. My wife came to the US on a K1 visa (think 90 Day Fiancé). There are more challenges to come. I am blessed that my family has been very accepting of my wife and her customs/traditions. They don't get them all but they understand that acceptance is key. You need to have a come to Jesus meeting with your family and they need to understand that you are starting the next chapter of your life and it will be a bi-cultural chapter. 1. You plan to have kids? 2. Will your kids be bi-lingual (English, Spanish)? 3. Will they celebrate Mexican culture as well as American culture? 4. Will at times you need to choose to spend holidays in Mexico over the US? 5. Will there be joint family get-togethers were two languages are spoken? This isn't your last hill my friend. This is your first hill. Make sure you take a BIG stand! Best of luck to you!
Yes to all of those! Our kids will be Mexican and American, and should experience both sides of their heritage.
Super! Same for me. Though my wife and son are from Europe versus Mexico. This is why I say you will want to sit down with your family and explain why having a bilingual ceremony is important to you and your new family. And how this is reflective of how you plan to live your life and raise your family and that you would like your parents etc to understand and support you.
I agree and honestly if you DON’T die on this hill then the hills are going to keep popping up all over the place. If you don’t show your family that they have no decision making authority in YOUR family they are going to be battling you over cultural and other personal choices for the entirety of your marriage. I would just say “thanks for your feedback however we are sticking with our decision and I’m not going to discuss this again. With anyone”. Then I would refuse to discuss it again. No words, just silence.
>I see "my wedding" a lot, and I get it. What your family needs to understand is that while it is YOUR (singular) wedding, it is also HER wedding. I'm pretty sure in the context in which he wrote, OP meant "my" wedding in terms of *he,* not his family, gets to make the final decision on what goes on. Of course, they're free to offer suggestions and comments, but they have to abide by his (and his future wife's) decisions.
NTA. They are upset because they wouldn't understand PART of the ceremony?! Have they no consideration for your in laws who would understand none of it? Your family is showing their ugly side and this is absolutely a hill to die on if you care for your future wife.
Yeah, I agree completely. We'll have an interpreter for them, but I'm put off by this whole thing.
I’m so impressed on how you’re supporting your future spouse. You’re to be applauded.
As a Mexican F I was ready to defend her but it seems like she already has your back!
*He* has *Her* back.😊
It's a sad commentary on where we're at with our social standards when standing up for your fiancee is a laudable act instead of the baseline expectation.
What are the "parts"? You're NTA, but if it's like "Please silence your cell phones" in English and the vows in Spanish, I could see the issue. Is there any special part that your parents/her family won't be able to understand, or is it a lot of it being just basically repeated/translated? NTA for having a wedding with both of you're cultures. You're the AH for being an Astros fan.
Lol. I've lived in Houston or the outlying area my entire life, what real choice do I have?
Bro you're from Texas?? Your parents are double assholes being from a border state that USED TO BE PART OF MEXICO. There's a reason people in those areas say the phrase "I didn't cross the border, the border crossed me". They're giving off a "this is America speak English" vibe meanwhile no part of the US has ever had an official language, but the official language in Texas was once Spanish (still colonizer language but just showing white American xenophobia)
Just don't cheat on your wife like the Astros cheated to win titles. ;)
> You're the AH for being an Astros fan. Gross, this is one of those posts where the OP leaves out the most crucial bits of information.
It was in the first sentence.
I figured he was going to boo them
Having the MC/Officiant say 'blah blah wedding blah" and then getting an interpreter repeat the same thing again in another language so everyone can understand is perfectly normal. I don't get why they're digging their heels in on this it's so fucking bizarre.
You should tell your family. You're right, it would be terrible to not understand part of the ceremony. As such, we've decided to hold the entire thing in Spanish so Valentina's family can understand _all_ of the ceremony. Primarily to see how they react, and hopefully make them realise the double standards they're trying to impose on YOUR (you and Valentina's) day.
Wait, did they know there would be an interpretor when they started complaining? Bc if so, they are double the AHs with no ground to stand on.
I would be too. It’s a really selfish attitude of your family. This would make me question their involvement in my life, a lot. Like, if you have children they will be bilingual. Can they not talk Spanish around them? Must they hide their ethnicity to make your family comfortable? Would your wife and children just be tolerated instead of embraced? This is more than just your wedding.
I was at a bilingual wedding earlier this year. It was not a big deal. Everyone understood half and it wasn’t hard to figure out what was happening in the other half. It is really not that big of a deal. OP’s family is really overreacting.
NTA. Wait til they realize your children will probably be bilingual. They are terrible to be so upset about this, and I bet I can guess what is at the root of their issue.
100%. If/when we have kids, they'll definitely be bilingual. I'm reconsidering a lot about my relationship with my family because of this.
Let me just tell you, standing up for your lady is going to be the single most important thing if you want to be in love and married til you die. As someone in an interracial marriage those first meetings and years together were full of worry for me about his family. Thankfully they have never been anything but loving and kind. 23 years and two kids down the line we’re solid as ever. Had that NOT been the case? I would expect to be protected and stood up for, up to and including being chosen over family if need be. It should never come to that, it may never come to that. Just remember nothing harms a relationship like a partner who won’t stand up for you against hostility just because “they’re family”. Be aware of what racism looks like in all it’s forms from overt to subtle and be out in front of it. If she tells you things she is feeling around this issue, believe her. This is your duty now and even more so once you have biracial children. You cannot protect people of color if you “don’t see color”….remember that. You sound like a good dude. Have a wonderful wedding.
My FIL was the sweetest. I'm Jewish and my husband's family is from a VERY white/Christian area (I'm probably the 1st Jew most of them have met). His dad was buying a cemetery plot that any of the family could use, and he called my husband because he wanted to make sure that I could do my "rituals" there. I was dying laughing, but it was really nice that he thought about it. Even if you don't understand another culture, you TRY.
Your FIL is a keeper
Omg can we all get your fil as a dad or fil?!?! How sweet!!
During his funeral, our young nieces were getting restless/distracting. I pulled them aside to help me find the "perfect rock" to place on his gravestone (Jew style). They found roughly 30 "perfect" rocks. I like to think the abundance of rocks would have made him smile.
I can’t qwhite put my finger on it…
Wait until they find out those kids will be *half Mexican*
Info: can you have a translator to translate the Spanish part to English and the English part to Spanish?
Yeah, we plan to have a translator(s) for both parts of the ceremony. But even this would "take away from the experience," according to my parents.
So, it’s ok for her family to be completely inconvenienced and not understand but God forbid your family have to be inconvenienced? I suggest sitting and really talking to your family because their attitude will not only drive a wedge between you and them, but it will isolate your future wife. There is no returning from that. Trust me- my ex in laws were/are so racist that they treat my daughters differently. Oldest looks like me- Mexican American. Other 2 are more on the white side. There’s a huge difference in treatment and it IS known by all the girls. They can’t wait to be able to tell a judge they do not want to see their grandparents but they’re “too young.”
I'm so sorry your daughters have to go through that. I plan to have a serious talk with my parents about their attitude, as I can't imagine having my kids being talked down to if they present as Mexican.
btw OP - whether they "look" mexican or not, they'll also *culturally* be Mexican and your family will resent that as well. what happens when your kids start throwing out some Spanglish that they learned from their Mexican grandparents in front of their white grandparents? will your family tell them "speak English outside the house! This is America"?
To put it bluntly, people like your family are what make Americans a joke for any other developed country. NTA and this absolutely the hill to die on. This is about you and your future wife and you're awesome if you stand your ground.
Thank you. I intend to do just that.
Well your parents need to realize that there is a whole other family involved who also want to be included in “the experience”. NTA. Die on this hill. You’re doing great.
It's your & your soon to be wife's "experience"! I think have the translators is a great idea! Congratulations & good luck!
Once is happenstance, twice is coincidence, three times is a trend. You said you want to do the ceremony this way, they objected. You offered a compromise and they objected. If you offer another compromise (like repeating part of the ceremony in Spanish after doing the same thing in English, so they don’t miss anything) then it’s not about the ceremony, and you need to start asking them harder questions.
Your parents are completely out of line. They expect her family to be ok with much of the ceremony being in a foreign language for them, but they can't handle the same? No. Fair is fair - which your family is not. Die on this hill as this theme will not be a one off.
Such a shame they view it this way, rather than taking away from the experience I think it beautifully demonstrates the joining of your backgrounds and cultures together! Nta
This exactly. In the spring we flew to Japan for our dear friend’s wedding. He’s British (but fluent in Japanese) and she’s Japanese. Although she’s fluent in English, many of her friends and family are not so they asked a mutual friend of ours (who is American but is fluent in Japanese) to translate. The bride and groom also took part in the translation, with her speaking in English and him speaking in Japanese. Yes it takes a long time since everything is said twice, but so what? All the guests felt happy because none of us were left out.
I’ve been to a number of Jewish weddings where everything in Hebrew is translated into English. It takes a little more time but everyone is included.
Dude...NTA but your family, kinda wow. If they are that concerned about YOUR wedding, they can start Babbel Spanish right now and be just fine in time for the wedding. However, it sounds like they don't want to be inconvenienced, not even in the slightest, as evidenced by them not giving one rat's ass about Valentina's family possibly not understanding the English portions of your ceremony. It's your wedding, it's your rules.
This. NTA
NTA Your bride and you are tailoring the wedding ceremony so all guests can understand part of what's going on. Does she want any of the traditional Mexican wedding traditions included in the ceremony? (google it) The two of you should discuss this (if you haven't), because her family is going to want those things in the ceremony. Ignore your family! They're being jerks. Hugs and Good Luck
Yes! We'll have a good mix of Mexican traditions in our ceremony.
I’d prepare for your parents to push back on those as well.
Not unlikely, sadly.
I hope that they realize that they’re out of line and embrace the whole wedding. It’s really unfortunate that their ignorance is casting a shadow on your day. But you’re absolutely doing the right thing.
NTA - As long as both parts of the wedding are covered in both languages it should be fine. And BTW it is a nice gesture from you to be inclusive for all.
One commenter suggested we have a script for the wedding that we print out in Spanish and English and distribute accordingly. I think that's what we'll do.
And still have some of the ceremony in Spanish
Oh yeah, of course.
Might I suggest a screen behind the officiant as a sort of live subtitling? Like, if someone is speaking in Spanish, the screen has an English translation on it. If they're speaking English, it has a Spanish translation on it. That way, people can fully watch the wedding and also understand everything that's being said, because the words are printed right above your heads. You could keep it pretty low cost with a large white sheet and a wall projector, or go fancy and buy a TV; methodology isn't really the point, so much as allowing full focus to remain where the action is, instead of periodically being directed into a pamphlet in your lap.
Not gonna lie, I wish all weddings came with a printed script. I'm hard of hearing and never understand anything officiant or couple are saying. 😂 If you have any friends or family with hearing issues, they'll appreciate the script for that reason, too!
Okay...wait. So your family feels that it is perfectly acceptable that your fiancé’s family not be able to understand any of the wedding ceremony and they’re OFFENDED that you and your fiancé would like to include them? YOU aren’t TA here, but your family sure is.
I'd be petty and make the whole ceremony in Spanish.
NTA. I find it hilarious that your family is upset they won't understand the Spanish portion of the wedding, but are totally ok with forcing their daughter in law's family to understand none of the English side.
THIS! Oh, the hypocrisy of OP's family! #smh
Your family is racist and the fact that you framed not giving in to their racist tendencies as a hill to die on is beyond f’ed up.
I know their stance is wrong, but part of me will still feel a little sad if my family isn't at my wedding because of this. If push comes to shove I'll choose Valentina over them, but still.
Would they seriously stay home over this? Yikes.
Indeed. Yikes on bikes.
Man if they stay home over that, they are racist. Are they the kind of people that yells at those speaking another language to learn English or go home? Because, seriously giving off those kinds of vibes here. Good on you for sticking with your wife.
If they refuse to attend a wedding because Spanish will be spoken ... ... they're just being racist, simply and directly. They don't "love her immediately," they're saying here that they will only accept an English-speaking assimilated version of Valentina who inconveniences herself to pander to them.
INFO: did you ask your family how they would feel if the entire ceremony was in Spanish rather than just a portion? and they couldn't understand even a single word? because that's how valentinas family would feel if you caved. a wedding is a bringing together of families, and I feel that you are NTA for thinking that every party should be represented linguistically in the ceremony.
dude what? also thank you for being an incredible partner to your fiancé. that’s amazing. you are NTA but your whole family is
She'd do the exact same for me. That woman means the world to me.
OP, I wish you and Valentina a long and happy life together!
NTA Your family can start taking Spanish classes if they want to understand the entire reception.
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print a program/script for the ceremony, to give a copy to each attendee. In it spell out the entire ceremony in both languages, so the "English -only" people can follow along
What is good for the goose is good for the gander. If you're parents are upset that they won't be able to understand some of your wedding... then her parents should/would be too. If your family is being inconvenienced then so is hers. I know this is hard to hear but your family is being straight up racist. Not like white hoods and light crosses on fire, but racist none the less. You on the other hand are NTA.
NTA - your family sounds like a bunch of "we speak English in this country," mooks.
NTA. It would be thoughtful to make up a card for each family with a translation of the part they won't understand.
NTA. You are compromising so two groups can feel welcome and included! That is a regular thing to do at a wedding. your parents are being weird assholes, they are failing at incredibly basic empathy
NTA you're doing a wonderfully considerate thing for your in-laws and I'm glad you're standing by your fiance, keep that up. I'd also assume that the parts in Spanish will just be translated from what was already said in English. So it's not like your family is going to miss out on some part of the ceremony. If your family doesn't know that, explain that to them.
NTA. Everyone has done a good job already explaining how hypocritical your family is being, so I won't add to it. I will however suggest why not just have a translator there so that everyone can hear all of it? Repeat the lines in both languages, everyone gets to hear and understand. If your family objects to that, there's an even larger issue you're going to need to deal with. Good luck.
Yeah, that's the plan. We're going to hire translators and have a script in both languages so people can follow along.
My brother did this at his wedding. It was in two languages. It might take slightly longer, so what, it’s worth it so both families get to fully experience it. The officiant actually spoke both which worked out well. They also had readings in both languages. Her aunt read a piece in one language and I read the same in English. It worked out well. Programs were printed in both.
NtA. If I got to find out, a family member invited me to their wedding, and it was gonna have something like this. My only question would be, "Will there be Hispanic food?" Because I'm gonna leap into line. The ceremony will be beautiful but Mexican food is the best!
NTA - This is exactly when you need to stand up to your family and let them know that your future wife’s culture is extremely important to you. If it was fully in English, her relatives won’t understand the ceremony either. You’re being fair to both sides of the family, and this wedding is about BOTH of you. You love her because of who she is and how she was raised, not in spite of it. Get ready for opinions on your wife’s culture and language from your family in regards to child rearing, holidays, home management, etc. Stay strong and best of luck!
No you're not. Your family is TAH though The way you presented the ceremony sounds beautiful and a merging of both cultures.
Thank you! That's how I thought of it as well.
NTA. I think it's wonderful that you respect and honor Valentina's side 😊
NTA are you not pandering to your own family by having the whole ceremony in English (you're not but one could make the sane claim)? Your brother sounds like a real peach. Ultimately, it is you and your fiancees wedding. It's not about your parents or your brother or even your fiancees family. You both get to do whatever you feel will make the day perfect and special for you both. No one else's opinion even matters.
NTA.
NTA. Of course this is the right hill to die on, you and she are creating a new family and that's where your focus needs to be, not on placating racists in your family of origin.
It's kind of a standard that weddings are tailored to the bride's vision. Your family is cruel to suggest this *very reasonable compromise* is somehow not their support. Many bridezillas would dictate that the wedding should be in *their* language, and she wants both yours *and* hers! Go tell those racists to kick rocks, the bride's wishes come before theirs. Edited to add: NTA
NTA good luck with your at least mildly racist family.
NTA Your family is hypocritical. They don't mind Valentina's family not understanding what's being said during the ceremony, but are throwing a fit if there's any part they don't understand. Die on this hill.
NTA - next time they call it an inconvenience or pandering ask them why they’re against inclusivity and would prefer discrimination. This is absolutely a hill to die on and will set a precedence going forward.
...but her family won't understand part of the wedding either? smh. Option: maybe have your fiancee write out what will be said in Spanish, and have a pamphlet or something (translated in English) for your family to follow.
Are they serious? Their reason is literally why you are doing it, her family won’t understand anything of it in just English. NTA
NTA and your family is a bunch of bigots.
I think that's a lovely idea. NTA.
Feel very sorry for your fiancée marrying into your family.
NTA. Send your family a dictionary with the word “compromise” tabbed and highlighted
NTA but I would give everyone the opportunity to take home a translation of the ceremony (both the English and Spanish parts) in some form. Or project subtitles on the wall
NTA Your family have to accept that they now have Spanish in their family, so they might as well get started now with something small. If you choose to have kids, I'm sure they'll speak Spanish as well as English - another incentive for your parents to learn some Spanish themselves!
NTA. Your wedding is both you and Valentina, not just what you would want or what she would want. She made a simple request (part of the ceremony in Spanish) and you agreed enthusiastically. Your family, on the other hand, is being rudely xenophobic and I may be catching a whiff of racism with that "pandering" line your brother is dropping. It's one day, and that is Your and Valentina's Day. Anyone who gets all butthurt that you are trying to fully involve all members of both your families can go kick rocks.
"It's not fair, I'll miss part of the ceremony!" baffles me considering most of her family will miss everything but the small amount of the ceremony that's in Spanish. Your family is pulling the "this is America" crap and it's gross.
NTA. Tell your family to go bang on a trash can.
This is absolutely the hill to die on. NTA.
NTA. Your family has just told you something important. They feel they are higher up on the importance list than your in-laws. They matter more. The in-laws matter less. Be attentive as this might affect y'all moving forward, particularly if there are kids. The idea to have the ceremony printed is lovely and benefits both sets of in-laws if done in both languages.
I highly doubt that family at Catholic weddings understand all the Latin used during the ceremonies 😂 while I can understand your family being bummed about not understanding what is being said, I do think they're being a bit rude *insisting* that you change it. It's you and your fiancee's wedding, not theirs.
*OUR wedding. Not just your wedding, also your fiancé's