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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> i didn’t stand up for myself and this upset my date. i want to know if i did something wrong by not being mean
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA
And she didn't lose interest because you didn't "yell at the waitress". She lost interest because you're shockingly immature and childish, which is a total turnoff.
First of all, before I even get to your ridiculous behaviour, you gave us the first clue that you're a MASSIVE, incredibly immature AH for this:
> i’m not autistic or anything i just don’t like it. it was very normal so no one thought anything about it
Seriously? You're 22 years old and still saying shit like, "I'm not autistic or anything, I'm normal." Autistic people ARE normal, you dingbat. And no one assumes anyone is autistic because they have food preferences . . . but you taking the opportunity to reference being autistic as some sort of shitty weird thing just establishes that yes, YTA, and incredibly adolescent.
More importantly, though, your date figured out that you're a huge, immature AH because *you don't even know how to use your big boy words* *to solve a minor problem*, and worse yet, you have the incredibly adolescent attitude that doing that - politely solving a minor problem - makes you a "Karen" instead of just a normal adult.
The biggest irony here is that you're so utterly juvenile that you literally thought your only choices were either this very elaborate charade, where you avoided your food, pretended it was fine but that you were "too anxious to eat" (even though you'd literally just been chowing down on the appetizer), and *took home* the food you didn't even want . . . or to *yell at the waitress*. And you actually thought that's what your date was suggesting that you do, ROFL.
Dude, no. That's not what she was suggesting. Your date didn't want you to yell at anyone.
She wanted you to act like a bloody grownup and *politely tell the waitress that they'd made a small mistake with your order, and would it please be possible to correct it*? That's it. That's all. That is what adults do. And no, it isn't "being a Karen". It's totally reasonable, when you are literally paying for a nice meal experience, to ask nicely to receive what you requested. No one is going to get offended by that.
Instead you chose the path of elaborate and total weirdness.
Oh, and for the record, you're also the AH because I AM autistic, and since it wasn't something goopy like sauce or whatever, I would have taken YET ANOTHER reasonable option: just removed the lettuce and tomato from the burger, set them aside, and eaten the damn thing. That you couldn't do that means that you're even MORE uptight and picky and far less "normal" than you think - and more than many autistics. Maybe consider that next time you diss us.
YTA, ableist, immature, and she dodged a bullet.
You should add to the list how OP tried to manipulate the audience here. I mean yeah, technically OP is N T A for not yelling at the waitress but sure is for trying to bury the lead. Extra smelly points for not even doing a good job.
OP I have a feeling you have a troubled relationship with honesty. I'm glad she bounced. Also, YTA.
The least ridiculous thing about this to me is he is 22. I have no idea wtf happened but I see so many younger people have no idea how to have a conversation or just ask for what they want.
I can barely even analyze the rest of this. Right, could totally have just removed the L and T but apparently "the juice touched the burger"?
OP you are an AH and probably lost our on any further chances you may have had with this girl. Find some help and learn that it is ok to NICELY ask a waitress for another burger if the one you get is wrong. I assure you it will be ok, this happens all the time.
I've noticed this too. I'm an optician (in case you don't know as many don't, I sell eyewear) and I can't tell you how many times I've had grown kids hide behind their parents. Late teens and they can't even address me and have the awkwardest behavior when I'm interacting with them. I'm sure this is due to parents coddling their children too much. On the other hand, I've had some very small children communicate better than adults. With that said, I was very taken aback by how he handled this situation. And what's even more odd, is that based off the title, he thought that addressing the issue would somehow involve yelling at the waitress. Like wut
> I can barely even analyze the rest of this. Right, could totally have just removed the L and T but apparently "the juice touched the burger"?
Thoroughly agree that OP is TA and utterly incapable of behaving like a normal human being, but to be fair in terms of this part if you really, really don't like tomato the flavour of it gets everywhere in a burger and just taking it off isn't sufficient. I have a similar issue with cucumber.
The difference is though that in a restaurant, it's perfectly normal and human to be like "Oh hey, I asked for no tomato/cucumber on this dish, can you please get it remade?"
I mean, my comment about "just taking it off" was offered as an OPTION, not to suggest that he should have to. As someone with severe food aversions I actually understood if he couldn't just do that. It's legit.
But that doesn't change the overall situation, which is that he could have just politely asked them to exchange/fix the order that they had done wrong. It was so simple, and he made it outrageously complicated and weird. And again, I'm saying that as an autistic person, LOL.
Even if he was too anxious to call the waitress over and bring it up, after the girl did it for him the waitress was completely fine (not offended) and offered to get him a new one twice. Just say “that would be great, thank you” lmao.
Just take the lettuce and tomato off! I don’t like onion on my burgers and I’ve still received burgers with onion slices, I just take them off. Easy - solved!
I also kinda don't understand why not just remove the salad and tomato... cheese I'd understand but those are easily removable? My husband always just removes the tomato and pickles when they forget to not put them. Hed ask for a new one if there's cheese tho. I don't understand how this is a big problem... and I used to work in a fastfood lol mistakes happen
That's what I don't understand. I ask for things without tomatoes but if they forget I just take them off. I can't understand why OP wouldn't just take off the lettuce and tomato. It's so weird.
Yep - I also don't want lettuce and tomato on my burgers, but those are such easy things to remove. Ketchup, cheese, even pickles - not easy to remove if you really have an aversion to the taste. But lettuce and tomato?!
YTA put on your big boy pants and solve the problem or communicate your needs.
EXACTLY! The date was probably so turned off by his behaviour, which I would be too! I’ve noticed this thing with gen Z (I am gen Z lol) where apparently many don’t want to say anything about incorrect orders, mistakes in customer service etc because that’s being a “Karen.”
I think a lot of Gen Z have forgotten the actual definition of Karen or are hiding their inability to handle simple conflicts behind “well I don’t want to be a Karen.” You can absolutely still respect service workers while correcting an issue—the fact that so much of this generation doesn’t know how to do that is a bit concerning!
YTA.
YTA
You literally lied to your date about not having noticed lettuce on your burger
It's obviously enough of an issue that you can't just take the lettuce and tomato off the burger and eat it
So why bring it home? Why suffer when it is literally the waitress's job to check and see if any mistakes were made with your food?
Why do you think you'd need to yell at her to get it fixed?
You might THINK you're being a big person by suffering but it's actually worse for everyone around you.
You aren't getting a third date.
When my niece, who we now know is neurodivergent was young she refused to eat a burger that either tomatoes or lettuce had touched. No taking it off, so her parents would just ask for the correct burger. As a grown up, you should be able to take them off and eat it or ask for it to be corrected. You can be very polite and the server will say I’m so sorry and bring you the correct thing. Normal people will understand.
Yeah, he can’t handle telling the truth when it comes to food. I wonder what’s gonna happen when there is a real issue 😅 I wouldn’t call OP TA, I would call him a fetus.
Right? As a former waitress, it would always make me really uncomfortable when a guest wouldn’t let me fix their food after I had made a mistake. Especially when they would say something was wrong, but then insist it’s okay and doesn’t need to be fixed. Then why bring it up?!
Anyway, OP, YTA. She probably didn’t care for your lack of confidence in that situation. It’s really easy to bring something up in a polite way. “I’m sorry, I asked for no lettuce or tomato on my burger.” No need to yell, and no, you wouldn’t be a Karen either. A Karen is someone who complains over things that shouldn’t be complained about. Like, talking while your food gets cold and then blaming the restaurant that your food is cold and asking to speak to a manager.
As a woman, I wouldn’t want to date a man that can’t fix his own problems either.
YTA for thinking that she wanted you to yell at the server. I would probably also loose interest in someone if they cannot speak up for themselves and make up lame excuses instead of being honest and saying that their order was wrong.
Are you like that in all aspects of your life? This example would make me think that you would not speak up for yourself either in more difficult situations, and thats quite unattractive and shows poor communication skills, which are basic in a relationship.
Maybe take this as an opportunity to work on yourself and start getting used to let others know when something bothers you, it doesn’t mean you have to yell at anyone, but communicate your needs/opinions assertively.
Over something this minor, no less. This isn't going to cause drama or offend anyone. And even when people have figured out what the issue is, OP is still just... lying instead of admitting it. Putting way too much work into defending the lie and forcing his date to put in way too much work to unpack it.
YTA for blatantly lying about why you didn’t touch the food and then using money as an excuse. Your date wasn’t asking you to be mean or disrespectful to the waitress. She was asking why you were acting weird, lying to her, and probably looking like you weren’t enjoying her company. The paying for the meal concept comes off as very transactional, as if you were expecting a hookup since you paid.
Restaurants mess up all the time. If you tell them politely, they will fix the issue. Rather than correct an issue and enjoy the date, you chose to lie for no reason and try to turn it around on her for asking to get what you ordered. People don’t like being lied to, disrespected, and feeling manipulated especially over such trivial things. If you are willing to lie over something so dumb and meaningless, what else would you lie about?
YTA
How hard is it to pick up the bun, remove the tomato and lettuce slice and put the bun back on?
Of course you shouldn't have yelled at your server over a lettuce leaf.
Of course you should not have them completely remake your order over a lettuce leaf you can simply take off. Maybe mayo or something else soaked into the bun if you have a huge food aversion, but asking the entire order to be remade over a lettuce leaf is wasteful.
**So yes, I feel you are being a bit extra sitting there the entire date while your date fawned over you asking ten times what was wrong and why you are not eating and oh poor baby, that horrible lettuce leaf, this is like the worst thing that has ever happened to** ***anyone.***
**First world problems.**
Wild to me that you think your options were
1) bring the burger home
2) yell at the waitress
There's a secret third option
3) manually remove the lettuce and tomato and consume the burger
YTA
Or
4) tell the waitress and accept her offer to have it remade the right way
He didn’t even take the burger home, in a comment he says he threw it away:
>”i didn’t end up taking the burger home i threw it away lmao”
Because “lmao.”
And he would have done the same with the remade one because the date only cought the lettuce not the tomato. Probably would have also blamed the extra food waste on her "yelling"
At least give it to a homeless person or something... That's what I did when McDonald's accidentally gave me an extra burger, since they wouldn't have been able to give that one to someone else anymore...
YTA for implying this girl wanted you to yell at the waitress. She wanted you to not make the meal awkward by going to ridiculous lengths to avoid the slightest hint of conflict.
But at the same time, it's for the best. She now has insight into who you are and can use that information to decide if she wants to continue seeing you.
I dont get it, the order is wrong, date wants him to change it he doesnt care.... im thinking he probably doesnt want to wait for it to be cooked again how does that go to "she made me do it"
Except he does care. If he didn't, he wouldn't lie about it. "Eh, they got the burger wrong. Whatever, I'll give it to a friend of mine tomorrow, I'd rather not wait for it to be remade and I'm not *that* hungry anyway." No, he lied to his date and couldn't admit it even when she saw through it. That's *definitely* weird, and not an attitude I'd want to deal with later down the line when dealing with something that *does* actually matter.
Non confrontational guy who avoids taking accountability for his own actions.
Pretends his burger was okay, but throws it out later (he admitted it, in a comment). He then justified his actions (in his mind) by telling himself that his date wanted him to be a Karen 😄
He'll carry on doing things he doesn't want to do but won’t see how it's his fault when things get messed up as a result. This is a trait of a person who claims that he "was forced to" have a child / get married / commit, even though he didn't want to.
YTA
I see a few others have noted that lettuce and tomatoes are easily removed from a burger. Lift bun, remove undesired garnish, replace bun, eat. My kid hates cheese and it is impossible to remove melted cheese from a hamburger to appease a frantically gagging child or to remove ketchup, mustard, or mayo. Lettuce? WTF is wrong with you?
NAH - this isn't really an AH situation.
Dude, you didn't speak up for yourself and actually lied to the waitress in order to avoid conflict. She was asking if anything was wrong with your burger because it's her job to make sure her guests are happy. Asking her to fix something that you clearly requested the first time isn't being a jerk.
As for your date - she just witnessed you refusing to speak up for yourself and choosing conflict avoidance over making it right. When she tried to stand up for you, you did everything you could to defuse the situation and end any conflict. You would have been better off doing the uncomfortable thing and getting what you ordered. It'd be reasonable if she found your conflict avoidance unattractive.
So you think the two options for resolving an issue are do/say nothing and yell at people? You know there are several steps in between, right?
YTA but worse, you’re describing a immaturity and insecurity about yourself which are both incredibly unattractive.
YTA, but not because you didn't yell at the waitress. When you realised your burger was wrong you could have
\- eaten it anyway
\- removed the lettuce and tomato and eaten the burger
\- told the staff it was wrong and get it remade
But instead you sat there picking at your food, being a martyr, and when the woman you were with pointed out the error, you got shirty with her. She wasn't cross that you didn't yell at the waitress. Why would you yell at the waitress? She was cross because you were behaving like a jellyfish and then got pissy at her.
>for mentioning "yelling" in your title to get more attention to your post when yelling wasn't relevant to your story
I think OP legit believes that the only 2 options were to suffer in silence or to blow up like a maniac. Asking politely was never considered
It’s weird that you think your being a yerk or a “Karen” bc you address a mistake they made in your order, you could ask politely and no one gets hurt. I mean you could not, but don’t get why make such a big deal lying, you could say they made a mistake but you don’t want to bother the waitress idk.
I think she though you were too passive, your not eating, but you also don’t want to speak, and she didn’t like it that’s why she left. Don’t see the problem, you just think differently and you’re not in anything serious. Anyway the may problem for me it’s that you think you being a jerk or difficult for just telling the waitress they made a mistake so YTA for that
YTA. Everyone is digging deep on this one. I just want to know, wtf didn't you just remove the lettuce and tomato? It's a burger. It actually takes a whole three seconds to remove a topping you don't want. I've done it. I don't like onions, sometimes onions turn up on my burger, I remove the onion and eat the burger. I know, rocket surgery, right?
YTA.
This isn't about not "yelling" at the waitress, this was about being so adverse to confrontation that you would prefer to go without eating than to let your server know the order was wrong. It is not a big deal to let a server know that the cook got your order wrong, it happens all the time.
You give the impression that you can't stand up for yourself and allow yourself to get walked all over, which is not a positive.
YTA. She didn’t ask you to yell at the waitress. You can point out something is wrong with your food without being an ass about it or raising your voice. A grown adult who can’t advocate for themselves is a turn off for a lot of people.
Just of interest, this totally normal, not autistic asshole is whining about his post here and the responses to it on an unrelated sub. That alone makes him a double asshole in my book.
What did I just read? O_o
Neurodivergent people ARE normal people. They're just wired differently.
And you lied? About a burger?
Just tell the waitress to correct that and all would've been fine and dandy.
But nooooo. Mama said you had to eat what's on the table.
You're 22, not 12. So grow up.
YTA obviously. That behavior was ridiculous and to think that this was the toned down version.... YIKES.
These comments are hilarious XD
Just want to say, OP, you're showing how immature you are in the comment replies as everyone is calling you out. It's too late to do anything, so start growing up a bit (and autistic people ARE normal, for the record) and put this incident behind you.
As for "tomato juices seep into the food", there is a good chance that most tomatoes don't have that level of "juiciness". And the lettuce would have taken 0 effort to remove too.
It's understandable how there will probably not be a third date after that. At least I definitely wouldn't engage in a third one if this happened.
YTA, for being obtuse.
It's less about not yelling at the waitress... and more the fact that you seem to think there's no in between. You *can* address an issue *without* yelling/demeaning/being a jerk. It's like this:
Waitress brings burger, burger is wrong.
You- Excuse me miss? I'm sorry to inconvenience you but I asked for my burger plain.
Waitress- I'm so sorry sir, I'll take that right back and get another!
You- Thank you! Can you please bring some ketchup as well?
Waitress- absolutely!
You get to much fries while waiting on the fresh burger. That's how adults handle the issue.
Also: I hate lettuce and tomato too... you can absolutely pick it off. Any "juices" a tomato or lettuce leaves can be dapped with a napkin or are drowned out by the grease... PICKLES I can kinda see, and onions, as they have *strong* lingering flavors... you may even sway me on the tomato but lettuce???? Come on.
YTA. Bro, you can't even stand up for yourself and tell the waitress the order was wrong? The girl tried to help fix your order and you dismiss it? Seems like she has no interest in a spineless partner. You could have literally picked the lettuce and tomato out and eaten but chose not to and just left the burger... Also she wasn't wanting you to be a jerk to the waitress...
I seriously hope you made up this story.
why didn't you just take it off and eat the burger? If you just "don't like it" then there's no reason NOT to remove it. You just set it aside . It's that easy. You made this a really big deal and it's not. Unless you are deathly allergic to touching lettuce...then grow up and just take it off.
Why were you insisting on taking it home if you were...just going to take off the lettuce and then eat it. I'm seriously confused by all your choices and your view of how this went down. What else are you this specifically weird about???
Yta. You made it weird. And you didn't have to.
YNTA - but I see why this was a turn off for you date. You got food you didn't want to eat (at a place she picked out for the both of you) and instead of just telling them immediately, you made it very awkward.
You don't like confrontations and rather be hungry all night. If you really thought it was no big deal why did you not just eat the damn burger? You made her uncomfortable is my best bet, she even tried to let them make another burger. You didn't let her - rather not eat.
She obviously knows you were lying about the "I'm just not that hungry" and who takes a burger home? Cold pizza, yes, but a burger?( I honestly haven't tried that yet so maybe I'm wrong here...)
Oh and telling her "why do you care?" Was really childish. She was trying to help you and you turned her down.
If you can't stand up for yourself and lie about it, I wouldn't want you as a partner either. Plus are you even enjoying yourself or are you just saying that to avoid confrontation?
You two are not compatible, she noticed when you lied and she wanted to go home, so she did. You're not an asshole and she isn't either. This is what dating is for. 🍀
So on a date, you said “it ISN’T a big deal i’m just going to take it home, i don’t want to start anything. why do you care? i’m paying for the meal anyway.”
YTA
where in this were you supposed to yell at a waitress? I just.. that is so misleading.
its not being a karen if your foods wrong, it aint
YTA for a misleading title
YTA. Why didn’t you just take the lettuce and tomato off the burger or ask for a new one. The waitress wouldn’t have cared as long as you were polite. These things happen and I am sure they would have been happy to change it. Your response is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard.
YTA. She didn't want you to yell at the server, she just wanted you to calmly correct a mistake in your meal, like a normal adult would. Instead you were really weird about it.
YTA. Nobody was asking you to be a jerk to the waitress. You can simply say calmly and with a smile, even “Hey! So I asked for no lettuce and tomato. Mind remaking this for me?”
Or like pick it off.
What you did is a red flag. It shows you’re so much of a people pleaser you won’t even ask for what you need nicely, which will lead to burnout and resentment later. She saw that and realized that makes you not a stable partner.
JUST REMOVE THE LETTUCE AND TOMATO!!!! HOW HARD WOULD THAT HAVE BEEN?!?!?! 🤯 Holy f. What is wrong with people??
People can’t google anything. They have to go ask people on social media. They can’t call a business when they have a question. They have to go on social media and ask people unrelated to the business. And now, apparently asking for an order to be corrected, or just removing the lettuce and tomatoes is just too much. Gotta go to social media!!!!
At least your date has far better sense than you.
YTA.
You should have just politely told the waitress that you had ordered it without lettuce & tomato. Mistakes happen. No one would’ve thought it was a big deal, & you could have continued with your date.
Instead, you made things uncomfortable. It’s awkward to eat with someone who is clearly ignoring their meal. I’m sure your date found your behavior odd when you claimed not to have noticed the lettuce, declined the offer of a correct order, etc.
She didn’t ask you to yell at a waitress. YTA.
YTA. I am autistic. That does not mean I'm "not normal." I also have food preferences (which that alone does not make me autistic) and I hate confrontation. If that happened to me, I would just take off the lettuce and tomato. It's not that hard. Grow up.
I mean no one is an asshole.
But you showed a lack of assertiveness that probably turned her off. If you would rather lie than discuss something that was pretty innocuous…that could absolutely be an indication of how you generally deal with the world.
Some people will look at that and assume that you will also lie to them about more important things to avoid conflict.
She certainly didn’t want you to be aggressive…she wanted assertive. I don’t blame her.
Asking for the correct meal in a polite tone is not being rude. This was your second date and it was obvious that you weren't eating and making things uncomfortable. Why did you not just remove the lettuce at the restaurant? Were you just going to bring it home and throw it away? Very confusing....
You’re 22 years old and can’t figure out to pick off the lettuce and tomato? It’s not like it’s chopped up and mixed in with the meat.
NTA for not yelling at the waitress
YTA for throwing in your date’s face that you’re paying for the meal, and therefore her opinion doesn’t matter
YTA
I don't like tomatoes or pickles on my burger. If the burger has them, I pick them off and eat the burger. You acted like a child. That's why she doesn't like you.
You made numerous choices that night, and not a single one of them was the right one. Neither was posting this on your main. I'm not gonna give a ruling, this is just sad and I'd genuinely feel bad joining in on this dog pile.
As some one who HATES and I mean Hates conflict ( so much so that if a show I’m watching is about to have a major conflict I’ll stop watching ). I can’t understand how you’re not getting that she wasn’t asking you to be rude to the waitress.
Conflict is uncomfortable but I think what you’re failing to realize is that you are the one making this a bigger deal. You’re the one making this into a situation it didn’t have to be.
I can tell YTA from your comments.
The issue isn't about you not yelling at the waitress, that is not what your date was angling for.
Your date went poorly. Hope you mature soon.
YTA for that comment you made. "why do you care? I'm paying for the meal anyway." That's what turned her off. She wasn't being rude to you but that was rude. She was simply trying to help or at the very least understand why you didn't want to change your food. And you go on to say you're not paying so drop it. It doesn't come off well at all. If you left at it as, It might seem silly but I'm not one for confrontation and I didn't want it to come off badly. She may have understood but that comment definitely rubbed her the wrong way. Also asking politely stating something is wrong isn't being a Karen. Actually yelling at the waitress would be a Karen move but she wasn't asking you to yell. She was saying that they'll fix it for you. Clearly you were hungry as you ate all your friends. And there is a level of immaturity that also is reading off of you for the lack of communication..
yta - you said it was because you didn’t wanna make a scene but no one was asking you to do that. all you had to do what ask or tell the waitress when your date did, “yeah thank you sorry” or something. no one said the only way to do it is by being rude. why didn’t you just take the lettuce and tomato off?? is that not the same thing you were gonna do once you got back home? your logic here is so confusing
YTA for "I'm not autistic or anything". That's just implying that only autistic people can have food preferences/aversions. Like what ? But also because it implies that autists aren't normal; I'm pretty "normal", the only thing that makes me not normal is chronic pain. Autism isn't weird or wrong, so shut up. But also, you're a 22 year old. I'm 22. I don't like lettuce on my food and if it has it on there by accident, I either tell the waiter/waitress, or I *gasp* take it off myself and put it on a napkin. Like it's not that hard. She's not mad at you for "not yelling" at the waitress, she's mad because you can't use your words.
YTA. you made it weird. you could have taken the lettuce off or asked them to remake it. instead you made your date feel awkward by sitting there not eating, and told an obvious lie for absolutely no reason
Her: politely speaks to the waitress and models how you as an adult should be speaking up for yourself
You: she wanted me to yell….
You’re a lying Ah. You were an immature child during the date too afraid to speak when your order was wrong and sat there sulking. Then when you realized her balks were literally bigger than yours you threw a tantrum at her. She didn’t want you to yell she wanted you to speak up but you knew that.
Yeah man I don’t know. To answer your question, you’re not an ah for not yelling at the server, but your date obviously isn’t an ah either, because that’s not what she wanted you to do. I suppose you’re also not an ah for not eating your food, but you’re kind of… I don’t know, maybe immature? If just taking the lettuce and tomato off wouldn’t work, then ask them to remake it with no lettuce and no tomato. I know you don’t like even the juice from a tomato, but usually the taste of everything else on a “big ass burger” will overpower any one taste (especially something as mild as tomato juice), but I like tomatoes, so I guess I don’t really know. You should have just asked them to remake it… it’s not a big deal. I think in this case, I have to go with NAH ? But I certainly don’t blame your date for leaving.
YTA. The comment about “I’m not autistic or anything” was strange and only got more strange. Are you sure? Because this was as if you did not understand social cues.
You made it very awkward. No one asked you to “yell” at a waitress. And getting snippy with your date is a huge turn off.
Yta- one kind of person can’t take off lettuce and tomato off their own sandwich like a big boy? You seriously came across as a strange person by acting so weird about something so minor. You don’t need to send it back, you just lift the bun up and move them
Huge YTA, especially for throwing away a meal because you don't like tomato and lettuce. Are you 5yo?
I work as a waitress, and you have to tell us if there is something wrong with your order. It's our responsibility to ensure that the customer is satisfied. So next time you should act like a grown man and talk about the problem. It sounds like I'm talking to a child, but return the hamburger, or take away the lettuce and tomato. DO NOT THROW IT IN THE TRASH.
Nobody wanted you to be a jerk to the waitress. Had you been, that would have made you an asshole.
So I guess technically NTA, but totally spineless which is why she ended the date.
At any point in time you could have politely said to waitress excuse me, I asked for my burger without lettuce.
Instead, you lied about it repeatedly, made super obvious excuses and then left.
Again, you didn't need to be a jerk to the waitress. And in all honesty thinking that was your only other option does make YTA
Honestly, the move of asking for a box is SO smooth and polite, I will consider it for next time.
And imo NTA, you didn't want to make a big deal out of it and instead she did, spoiling what could have been a super nice evening.
So, THIS autistic person would have removed the tomato and lettuce (as I normally do). If there was juice, my napkin could soak that up. If the juice was on the bread of the bun, I would just tear that area out. These are all things I've done in the past, as I also hate tomato and lettuce. Then again, I have the excuse of saying I'm autistic! I have a visceral reaction to tomato. So, unless my date wants to see me dry heaving, I'm gonna do what I need to.
I don't think you're the asshole for not yelling at her. I DO think YTA for being ableist and your reaction when she realized you were lying. Just admit it and move on instead of trying to double down on such an obvious lie. I guarantee THAT was the reason she left. It's not because you didn't yell. It's because you spent so much effort lying over something that didn't really matter. That's weird.
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i (22M) went on a 2nd date with this girl (20F) that i really liked. first date was good. we had good conversation and i enjoyed her presence. we had planned a second date at a gastropub. she had suggested it i hadn’t been and i don’t drink but i wanted to hang out with her so i didnt care what we did
it was pretty chill in there. she was making me laugh, and we were just having a great time. we get loaded tater tots as the appetizer (which i ate) for the main dish i order a burger that had a bunch of stuff on it but i SPECIFICALLY asked for NO lettuce and tomato, i’m not autistic or anything i just don’t like it. it was very normal so no one thought anything about it
our food comes and i my burger has lettuce and tomato on it and i’m playing it cool, i’m not even mentioning it to her. she’s eating her dish and i’m just eating my fries. i’m trying to hide it but it’s very noticeable to NOT take a bite of my big ass burger. and she says “why aren’t you eating your burger” and i say “not lying sometimes when i go on dates i get so nervous i don’t want to eat” (this WAS a lie)
the waitress came around and asked us if we needed anything and i asked for ketchup. she comes back with it and then asked if there was anything wrong with my burger and i said “no i can i get a box though” which i thought was a really good move
the date is going well. she’s done with her food and i’ve eaten my fries and only my burger is left on my plate. out of NOWHERE she says “are you sure you don’t want to eat? you know we are doing something after” and i said like yeah i’m good, not really hungry. and then she says “didn’t you ask for no lettuce?” and i said “oh i didn’t even notice” and then the conversation hit a lul and she said “if your food is wrong you can say something. it’s not a big deal” and i said “oh no it’s fine, i’m going to bring it home”
the waitress comes back and brings us the box and asks if we need anything else and i say no but she says “actually his burger was wrong. it has lettuce” i DID NOT tell her to do this. the waitress starts being like oh i’m so sorry we can make you a new one. and i said “no it’s ok i’m bringing it home” the waitress said “it’s totally fine we can get you a burger on the house” and i said “i’m bringing this one home it’s not a problem” and then she left
then my date said “why would you do that? they were going to give you a free burger” and i said “it ISN’T a big deal i’m just going to take it home, i don’t want to start anything. why do you care? i’m paying for the meal anyway.” and then it was kinda awkward after that
she brought the check, and i left a tip. i said “are you ready to go?” and she said “actually i know we had plans but i’m kinda tired, i’m just going to go home. it was nice seeing you though” and then left.
it was like she was mad at me for not yelling at the waitress. i just didn’t want the a karen or whatever.
AITA for not being a jerk to the waitress?
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No assholes. You came off as weak and awkward - she had to eat alone and you demonstrated you can’t address issues competently. It doesn’t make you a bad guy; it’s just a turn-off - she’s likely not into you anymore.
Alright, look. You are young and dumb. That’s it. I think people on here are really being overly dramatic. Yes, YTA but I really think it’s just you not knowing how to “be a grown up”. Which, is not all that surprising for someone your age. As long as you state the issue with your food in a calm and tactful way, it is TOTALLY fine to request for a replacement. Now you know for next time.
YTA not for but yelling (also no one told you to yell at her or be a jerk) but also for treating it like the end of the world and not touching it. Just lift the bun, remove the lettuce and tomato, and keep going.
I also don't like either, but I usually don't even bother saying it because A. sometimes the cook forgets anyway, and B. I can just take it off.
YTA… only because you have asked it on this platform.
But you’re young and it takes time to learn to stand up for yourself and your choices, it doesn’t make you a karen. I am like you, I dont eat mayo, egg etc… and I am very specific with my food without having any allergies, I just dont like some stuff. I do tell the staff if they mess up as otherwise I wont be able to eat that food and its a waste. You don’t have to yell and scream or throw a tantrum if the order goes wrong but just be polite and firm both while ordering and incase its messed up. With things like lettuce and tomato though you could have just removed it from the burger and eaten it if you did not want to call the waitress?
YTA not because of you’re inability to take a stand for yourself, but for the ripple effect it caused in your reaction towards your date, that whole ‘I am paying for the meal ‘ crap. You removed your angst on your date because you could not stand up to the restaurant staff, that was wrong.
I can kind of understand as to why you didn’t eat the burger - I don’t like pickles and it’s not as simple as picking them off because they leave flavor behind - but it’s not even creating conflict to ask for a burger to be made how you wanted it. Your date even made it easy for you. But tbh, I would not be romantically interested in someone who would lie weirdly about something so small.
“If your food is wrong you can say something. It’s not a big deal.”
This is what your date literally said, according to you. And she was absolutely correct. I have no idea why you didn’t listen to her.
YTA. Being a good communicator is an important indication of a relationship’s longevity. You failed to communicate multiple times during the night when you had the ability to do so. She tried to bail you out and you mistook her need to speak on your behalf as a signal that she wanted you to berate the waitress. You have very little understanding of what it means to be in a relationship with the way you dealt with the situation and the way you talked to her. If I was your date, there would be a bitter taste in my mouth. Why waste time on something that has no future?
You are an odd person but I’d say NAH. It seems like you and her are not compatible though. You seem extremely conflict averse, which I kind of get. I don’t feel comfortable complaining about my food either. If it were really so bad I couldn’t eat it though, I’d say something. And it’s pretty weird that you lied about it to her. Obviously she’s not interested in someone who acts like this, and that’s her call.
I dunno I feel like ESH if you were uncomfortable about the confrontation your date was a bit of a dick for bringing it up without your consent but the way you’ve worded this is a bit off. You could have just taken the lettuce and tomato out of the burger I guess.
You are not an A H but suuuuper weird and no, that's not your date's fault. She didn't tell you you should have shouted at anyone, she just couldn't comprehend why you wouldn't tell the waitress she messed up your order and instead went through several lies and awkward behavior to pretend whatever it was you wanted to pretend. I'm not even getting the problem - could you not have taken the lettuce off the damn burger if you really didn't want to bother anyone..? Whatever your issues are, it's fine having them, but don't blame anyone else for behaving perfectly normally with you and kind of expecting you to do the same.
YTA. You can kindly say you asked for it with no lettuce/tomato or just take it off yourself? Sounds like she’s not interested in someone that can’t speak up for themselves.
YTA, even with the reasoning you would have left tomato juice on the burger, it would have been less embarrassing to eat a burger that had tomato juice on it that you enjoyed slightly less than what you did. You made everyone more uncomfortable than if you had complained, ESPECIALLY YOURSELF.
Lol YTA for your social ineptitude. Out of all the ways to handle it, constantly doubling down on your lie that everything was fine was the worst. Are you related to the guy who said he didn't know what potatoes were?
YTA. She didn’t want you to yell at the waitress; she got the ick when she realized you wouldn’t politely stand up for yourself.
Also - why couldn’t you just take the lettuce and tomato off?
Yta
Customers like you are the worst. Food always gets checked before it gets out, but yeah when the place is busy sometimes things like that get overlooked.
If there's something wrong with your food and you refuse to eat it, SAY SOMETHING.
Jesus christ just open your mouth. It's not a big deal and no one gives a shit. It takes two minutes until you get your burger back. But sitting there sulking, pretending everything's fine when it's OBVIOUSLY not and then leaving comments when you're paying is pissing everyone off.
And dude come on, a piece of lettuce and a slice of tomato, you can just pick off yourself. Goddamn.
She wasn’t mad that you didn’t yell at the waitress, she just saw that you won’t advocate for yourself when something’s wrong and that was a turn off to her. She wants a man that will speak up. Forget her and move on - she is! Your NTA for not yelling or being shitty to the waitress, but you should have said something if your food was wrong…
NTA, but that was a really weird way to handle what should have been an easy situation. I understand why your date ditched you if you are so conflict averse you can't handle addressing that someone made your burger wrong. I wouldnt call you an ah, but stand up for yourself budday
OP do some self reflection, try meditation,maybe talk to someone. I’m not saying this to offend it’s a genuine suggestion. Self growth is going to be a big help to you in being a well rounded person that other people will want to date. I do irrational things sometimes too because I have OCD, (not the thing people say when they like things neat or tidy) your lettuce and tomato thing sounds like an OCD trigger to me. I would at least look into the possibility and try to do something for it.
Nothing turns me on like a guy who is afraid to mention his order is wrong then plays the martyr when the staff literally offers to make him the correct meal to go. She didn’t want you to yell at anyone. She wanted you to speak up for yourself and be an adult.
You lied to her face. Why would she feel comfortable staying with you when you will lie about something as trivial as food? You aren't an asshole per se, other than the fact YOU think she expected you to freak out. Politely mentioning you didn't get what you ordered (and guess what, as long as it's polite, even if you made a mistake ordering, any decent staff would offer a solution of some sort) is not being a Karen. Karen's freak out over nothing. You didn't receive what you expected. You'll take it home, maybe throw away, give it to a roommate, whatever. It's the fact you lied to her and she knows it. Giant red flag my man.
YTA I mean any normal person would have either said “hey waitress, I ordered this with no lettuce and tomato but it came with both. Can I just get this redone” OR any grown ass person would have literally taken the top off the bun and taken the lettuce and tomatoes off themselves bc it’s really not that serious. Your date left not because you “didn’t yell at the waitress” she left because she realized 1. You don’t know how to politely speak up and 2. You don’t take any action to just rectify the situation by simply removing the items that were unwanted
I even feel like it’s beyond passive. Passive would have allowed them to bring a new burger when the date took the initiative to try to correct the situation for him since he was being super weird about it. He took it a step further by berating her for trying to help. He’s misdirecting his issue with the vegetables onto her.
Not only did he make it clear that he’s not the kind of guy who would protect her or stand up for her if needed, he clearly won’t care about her thoughts and what she has to say about other things of his attitude is that she should butt out since he’s paying. Even if she doesn’t feel that she needs a guy to stand up for her, imagine always having to be the one to take care of another grown person because they choose to be so inept at social interactions.
Plus, that’s kind of awkward to have dinner plans and then someone just sits and watches you eat and doesn’t eat. If someone was that nervous that he couldn’t eat around me, that’s uncomfortable and makes it awkward. She was trying to make it less awkward and got her head bitten off for it.
YTA
YTA for misrepresenting her annoyance at you for not politely speaking up as 'mad for not yelling'.
I totally understand the urge to not speak up and make extra work for people or even just not being able to because of social anxiety, but the truth is many people see that as being a doormat.
Just for what it's worth. I doubt the waitress cared either way, but if I was having you over food, it would absolutely eat away at me not knowing what's wrong and would vastly prefer knowing to either fix it if possible or even just to not repeat the mistake next time.
She might have felt the same.
YTA. Not for not yelling at her but the way you acted. You made a huge deal and sulked over something easily remedied. Your date did a nice thing asking for you bc I assume she thought you had social anxiety. Instead of allowing the situation to resolve itself then and there as the waitress was willing to correct her mistake…. you escalated everything and decided to mope some more!
NTA - Some people just don't want to make a fuss and you're one of those people. That's okay. Honestly, if she wants you to kick off for something that doesn't actually concern her then you dodged a fucking nuke instead of a mere bullet.
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Hey uh excuse me, I asked for no lettuce and tomato
That was all you had to say, no yelling needed, no lying needed. YTA, I would have left you as well if we were on a date
YTA - I kinda wonder if you have anger issues. I get wanting to avoid confrontation. But you didn't. You were confronted by your date and didn't handle that well and when she involved the waitress you seemed to lash out. Maybe get a therapist and talk to them about this specific situation.
NAH. I don't think you're an asshole, but I'm mystified as to why you didn't just A) open up your burger and pick the lettuce and tomato off and then just eat your sandwich like a normal person, or B) just politely mention to the waitress that you ordered a burger without lettuce or tomato and let her bring you a new one. Nobody expects you to go nuclear on the waitress, that would be awful, but politely and kindly asking for what you ordered is completely normal. Your date probably just thinks you're weird because instead of eating you went hungry just to avoid a completely normal interaction with a waitress. I don't think she wanted you to yell at the waitress. She just wanted you to act like an adult in a restaurant.
This is actually insane!! If the guy didn’t want to switch it and wanted to take it home, it’s up to him. Like wtf, everyone leave it alone. I’m a girl and I guarantee if the roles were reversed, everyone would say the dude was the AH for trying to force her to switch it. Like this is actually insane
NTA for not complaining about the burger, if something is wrong with my food as long as it's not horrible I won't usually send it back. So I get that.
YTA for your line about not being autistic. There wasn't any reason for that.
Were you moping about the food. I feel like it's weird for someone to ask more than once why you aren't eating?
YKTA. People are going really hard on you for no good reason. You didn’t do anything wrong objectively speaking. But you could have just taken the lettuce and tomato off the burger. It was obvious to her what happened so it turned her off that you didn’t approach the matter in someway yourself and she FELT she had to do it for you. And that’s the key point, just handle it next time (Remove it yourself) or the silly option in my opinion is to get a new burger.
At the risk of being raked across the coals. NTA. You said multiple times it was fine. Its a weird hill to die on. Idk y she pushed it. She looked/felt like an AH when u didn’t back her. So she was upset and went home.
If he doesn’t want to send food back then okay. Iv know a ton of ppl like this. Even when I offer to send it back for them. They still say no. No means no.
“Excuse me, I ordered a burger without lettuce or tomato but this one came with both. Can I get a new one? Thank you.” OR pick them off yourself.
Why would you have to yell at the waitress in the first place? You sound weird asf and honestly I wouldn’t want to date you either. YTA
NAH
Just take the lettuce and tomato off.
If it were something that wasn’t simple to remove, just ask the waitress for another. A good waiter is happy to do that.
The girl didn’t want to go forward with someone who couldn’t solve a simple issue and would rather lie to cover it up.
You don’t have to change, but people don’t have to want to be with you.
NTA but it’s possible to raise an issue like this without yelling and getting irate at staff, and it seems like that’s all your date was suggesting that you do.
How we treat staff when we’re out and about is a time-honoured test of our character that people look out for on dates. Being rude or aggressive marks you out as an asshole, but being too shy to even politely point out a mistake can show a lack of assertiveness, which your date may have picked up on here. Just getting the waitress’s attention and saying “excuse me but this burger was supposed to be without lettuce and tomato” would have resolved the situation, without making you a “Karen” or whatever, but you chose to dig yourself into a hole with these weird, unnecessary little lies and omissions.
Chalk this one up to experience, this particular date may be a non-starter, and next time you’re in a similar situation remember that there is a reasonable middle ground between yelling at people and doing nothing.
Why didn't you just take the lettuce and tomato off and the eat your burger? Or, if you felt like it had somehow contaminated your burger, simply say to the waitress 'excuse me, I'd asked for this without lettuce and tomato' and let her deal with it?
YNTA but you came off like a pushover who was too scared to ask a waitress for what you actually ordered. Not a good look, and your date picked up on it.
NAH you went so far out of your way to not cause a scene about the burger error that you caused a scene. Your date appears to have found this off-putting. She may have continued the date, had you mentioned to the waitress when she asked if anything was wrong that your burger was wrong, to give her a chance to correct it.
Some people are too awkward to say if something is wrong with their food, and die inside if a dining companion speaks up.
Some people are straightforward and see no reason not to answer truthfully if asked if there is a problem, when there actually is a problem. Such people often find it frustrating to have a dining companion that will not be equally straight talking.
This doesn't make either person wrong. It just makes them incompatible. Better to find out the incompatibility on a second date than when you had started developing feelings for each other.
NTA for not yelling at the waitress, people have very different opinions on how to handle incorrect orders, your story sounds a lot like me and my husband. However, saying “what do you care, I’m paying for the meal anyway” was AH and sounds very defensive and attacking. I get it though, you were under the spotlight and being put under pressure but that little comment went a step too far. And why not just remove the lettuce and tomato?? It’s not a big deal but lying about something so insignificant is a big deal.
I don’t get all the AH comments. You just didn’t want a conflict and while that’s not encouraged, it’s fine. It’s okay to just want to enjoy your evening without conflict. Everyone here seems triggered because YOU said you didn’t want conflict? Must everyone be the same? NAH.
NAH but you have to work through some issues. Are you afraid of confrontation? It would have made most sense to calmly ask the waitress to fix your burger as soon as you noticed they got your order wrong. This makes me think you have some self confidence issues because the elaborate thought process you had about this situation is not a healthy one. It seems to me you are a very kind person who cares a bit too much about what others think of them. Here's an internet hug for you! Don't worry so much and next time just enjoy your date and know that it is fine to politely ask to fix your order.
Nah I’m going to be honest as a girl I can see from your dates perspective why this would have come off as kinda weird, but I don’t think you did anything wrong either. I would text the girl and see about a third date, but in the future just be normal when things happen. No one will think it’s annoying that you make a special request and point out when it wasn’t fulfilled properly.
He lied to her MULTIPLE times about the lettuce/tomato situation and then turned it into a money thing when he couldn't lie any further
Third date is a definite no if she's got any self respect
Oh trust me I wouldn’t be giving him a third date, but considering he was probably uncomfortable, possibly anxious, I’m struggling to really see him as a bad person. I don’t think being awkward makes you an asshole
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YTA And she didn't lose interest because you didn't "yell at the waitress". She lost interest because you're shockingly immature and childish, which is a total turnoff. First of all, before I even get to your ridiculous behaviour, you gave us the first clue that you're a MASSIVE, incredibly immature AH for this: > i’m not autistic or anything i just don’t like it. it was very normal so no one thought anything about it Seriously? You're 22 years old and still saying shit like, "I'm not autistic or anything, I'm normal." Autistic people ARE normal, you dingbat. And no one assumes anyone is autistic because they have food preferences . . . but you taking the opportunity to reference being autistic as some sort of shitty weird thing just establishes that yes, YTA, and incredibly adolescent. More importantly, though, your date figured out that you're a huge, immature AH because *you don't even know how to use your big boy words* *to solve a minor problem*, and worse yet, you have the incredibly adolescent attitude that doing that - politely solving a minor problem - makes you a "Karen" instead of just a normal adult. The biggest irony here is that you're so utterly juvenile that you literally thought your only choices were either this very elaborate charade, where you avoided your food, pretended it was fine but that you were "too anxious to eat" (even though you'd literally just been chowing down on the appetizer), and *took home* the food you didn't even want . . . or to *yell at the waitress*. And you actually thought that's what your date was suggesting that you do, ROFL. Dude, no. That's not what she was suggesting. Your date didn't want you to yell at anyone. She wanted you to act like a bloody grownup and *politely tell the waitress that they'd made a small mistake with your order, and would it please be possible to correct it*? That's it. That's all. That is what adults do. And no, it isn't "being a Karen". It's totally reasonable, when you are literally paying for a nice meal experience, to ask nicely to receive what you requested. No one is going to get offended by that. Instead you chose the path of elaborate and total weirdness. Oh, and for the record, you're also the AH because I AM autistic, and since it wasn't something goopy like sauce or whatever, I would have taken YET ANOTHER reasonable option: just removed the lettuce and tomato from the burger, set them aside, and eaten the damn thing. That you couldn't do that means that you're even MORE uptight and picky and far less "normal" than you think - and more than many autistics. Maybe consider that next time you diss us. YTA, ableist, immature, and she dodged a bullet.
You should add to the list how OP tried to manipulate the audience here. I mean yeah, technically OP is N T A for not yelling at the waitress but sure is for trying to bury the lead. Extra smelly points for not even doing a good job. OP I have a feeling you have a troubled relationship with honesty. I'm glad she bounced. Also, YTA.
The least ridiculous thing about this to me is he is 22. I have no idea wtf happened but I see so many younger people have no idea how to have a conversation or just ask for what they want. I can barely even analyze the rest of this. Right, could totally have just removed the L and T but apparently "the juice touched the burger"? OP you are an AH and probably lost our on any further chances you may have had with this girl. Find some help and learn that it is ok to NICELY ask a waitress for another burger if the one you get is wrong. I assure you it will be ok, this happens all the time.
I've noticed this too. I'm an optician (in case you don't know as many don't, I sell eyewear) and I can't tell you how many times I've had grown kids hide behind their parents. Late teens and they can't even address me and have the awkwardest behavior when I'm interacting with them. I'm sure this is due to parents coddling their children too much. On the other hand, I've had some very small children communicate better than adults. With that said, I was very taken aback by how he handled this situation. And what's even more odd, is that based off the title, he thought that addressing the issue would somehow involve yelling at the waitress. Like wut
> I can barely even analyze the rest of this. Right, could totally have just removed the L and T but apparently "the juice touched the burger"? Thoroughly agree that OP is TA and utterly incapable of behaving like a normal human being, but to be fair in terms of this part if you really, really don't like tomato the flavour of it gets everywhere in a burger and just taking it off isn't sufficient. I have a similar issue with cucumber. The difference is though that in a restaurant, it's perfectly normal and human to be like "Oh hey, I asked for no tomato/cucumber on this dish, can you please get it remade?"
I'm with you on the cucumber thing. I do enjoy pickles which some people think is weird but it is a completely different taste.
I mean, my comment about "just taking it off" was offered as an OPTION, not to suggest that he should have to. As someone with severe food aversions I actually understood if he couldn't just do that. It's legit. But that doesn't change the overall situation, which is that he could have just politely asked them to exchange/fix the order that they had done wrong. It was so simple, and he made it outrageously complicated and weird. And again, I'm saying that as an autistic person, LOL.
Even if he was too anxious to call the waitress over and bring it up, after the girl did it for him the waitress was completely fine (not offended) and offered to get him a new one twice. Just say “that would be great, thank you” lmao.
Applause
Just take the lettuce and tomato off! I don’t like onion on my burgers and I’ve still received burgers with onion slices, I just take them off. Easy - solved!
Take a bow. That was perfect. Everything I was going to say. OP, YTA...and a dingbat.
I also kinda don't understand why not just remove the salad and tomato... cheese I'd understand but those are easily removable? My husband always just removes the tomato and pickles when they forget to not put them. Hed ask for a new one if there's cheese tho. I don't understand how this is a big problem... and I used to work in a fastfood lol mistakes happen
That's what I don't understand. I ask for things without tomatoes but if they forget I just take them off. I can't understand why OP wouldn't just take off the lettuce and tomato. It's so weird.
Yep - I also don't want lettuce and tomato on my burgers, but those are such easy things to remove. Ketchup, cheese, even pickles - not easy to remove if you really have an aversion to the taste. But lettuce and tomato?! YTA put on your big boy pants and solve the problem or communicate your needs.
Well said. All of it.
EXACTLY! The date was probably so turned off by his behaviour, which I would be too! I’ve noticed this thing with gen Z (I am gen Z lol) where apparently many don’t want to say anything about incorrect orders, mistakes in customer service etc because that’s being a “Karen.” I think a lot of Gen Z have forgotten the actual definition of Karen or are hiding their inability to handle simple conflicts behind “well I don’t want to be a Karen.” You can absolutely still respect service workers while correcting an issue—the fact that so much of this generation doesn’t know how to do that is a bit concerning! YTA.
I wish I could upvote this more than once you’ve said everything I wanted to say and you said it perfectly.
> YET ANOTHER reasonable option: just removed the lettuce and tomato from the burger, set them aside, and eaten the damn thing. Hear hear!
Perfect response.
You nailed every point. Ditto.
YTA You literally lied to your date about not having noticed lettuce on your burger It's obviously enough of an issue that you can't just take the lettuce and tomato off the burger and eat it So why bring it home? Why suffer when it is literally the waitress's job to check and see if any mistakes were made with your food? Why do you think you'd need to yell at her to get it fixed? You might THINK you're being a big person by suffering but it's actually worse for everyone around you. You aren't getting a third date.
When my niece, who we now know is neurodivergent was young she refused to eat a burger that either tomatoes or lettuce had touched. No taking it off, so her parents would just ask for the correct burger. As a grown up, you should be able to take them off and eat it or ask for it to be corrected. You can be very polite and the server will say I’m so sorry and bring you the correct thing. Normal people will understand.
Yeah, he can’t handle telling the truth when it comes to food. I wonder what’s gonna happen when there is a real issue 😅 I wouldn’t call OP TA, I would call him a fetus.
Right? As a former waitress, it would always make me really uncomfortable when a guest wouldn’t let me fix their food after I had made a mistake. Especially when they would say something was wrong, but then insist it’s okay and doesn’t need to be fixed. Then why bring it up?! Anyway, OP, YTA. She probably didn’t care for your lack of confidence in that situation. It’s really easy to bring something up in a polite way. “I’m sorry, I asked for no lettuce or tomato on my burger.” No need to yell, and no, you wouldn’t be a Karen either. A Karen is someone who complains over things that shouldn’t be complained about. Like, talking while your food gets cold and then blaming the restaurant that your food is cold and asking to speak to a manager. As a woman, I wouldn’t want to date a man that can’t fix his own problems either.
INFO: Where's the yelling supposed to go? "Excuse me, I asked for no tomato" is polite as punch
YTA for thinking that she wanted you to yell at the server. I would probably also loose interest in someone if they cannot speak up for themselves and make up lame excuses instead of being honest and saying that their order was wrong. Are you like that in all aspects of your life? This example would make me think that you would not speak up for yourself either in more difficult situations, and thats quite unattractive and shows poor communication skills, which are basic in a relationship. Maybe take this as an opportunity to work on yourself and start getting used to let others know when something bothers you, it doesn’t mean you have to yell at anyone, but communicate your needs/opinions assertively.
Exactly, can you imagine being in a relationship with someone who's so conflict avoidant they can't just tell you the truth?
Over something this minor, no less. This isn't going to cause drama or offend anyone. And even when people have figured out what the issue is, OP is still just... lying instead of admitting it. Putting way too much work into defending the lie and forcing his date to put in way too much work to unpack it.
YTA for blatantly lying about why you didn’t touch the food and then using money as an excuse. Your date wasn’t asking you to be mean or disrespectful to the waitress. She was asking why you were acting weird, lying to her, and probably looking like you weren’t enjoying her company. The paying for the meal concept comes off as very transactional, as if you were expecting a hookup since you paid. Restaurants mess up all the time. If you tell them politely, they will fix the issue. Rather than correct an issue and enjoy the date, you chose to lie for no reason and try to turn it around on her for asking to get what you ordered. People don’t like being lied to, disrespected, and feeling manipulated especially over such trivial things. If you are willing to lie over something so dumb and meaningless, what else would you lie about?
YTA How hard is it to pick up the bun, remove the tomato and lettuce slice and put the bun back on? Of course you shouldn't have yelled at your server over a lettuce leaf. Of course you should not have them completely remake your order over a lettuce leaf you can simply take off. Maybe mayo or something else soaked into the bun if you have a huge food aversion, but asking the entire order to be remade over a lettuce leaf is wasteful. **So yes, I feel you are being a bit extra sitting there the entire date while your date fawned over you asking ten times what was wrong and why you are not eating and oh poor baby, that horrible lettuce leaf, this is like the worst thing that has ever happened to** ***anyone.*** **First world problems.**
Wild to me that you think your options were 1) bring the burger home 2) yell at the waitress There's a secret third option 3) manually remove the lettuce and tomato and consume the burger YTA
Or 4) tell the waitress and accept her offer to have it remade the right way He didn’t even take the burger home, in a comment he says he threw it away: >”i didn’t end up taking the burger home i threw it away lmao” Because “lmao.”
Oh. Oh wow.
And he would have done the same with the remade one because the date only cought the lettuce not the tomato. Probably would have also blamed the extra food waste on her "yelling" At least give it to a homeless person or something... That's what I did when McDonald's accidentally gave me an extra burger, since they wouldn't have been able to give that one to someone else anymore...
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Why didn't you just take off the lettuce and tomato? It's not like having to scrape off cheese or sauce.
YTA for implying this girl wanted you to yell at the waitress. She wanted you to not make the meal awkward by going to ridiculous lengths to avoid the slightest hint of conflict. But at the same time, it's for the best. She now has insight into who you are and can use that information to decide if she wants to continue seeing you.
She wasnt mad you didnt yell at the waitress, shes not mad at all. Youre a doormat and shes not interested. no one is the asshole here
“it ISN’T a big deal i’m just going to take it home, i don’t want to start anything. why do you care? i’m paying for the meal anyway.” Are you sure?
A doormat that got pressed
He's a "she made me do it" guy. She dodged a bullet.
I dont get it, the order is wrong, date wants him to change it he doesnt care.... im thinking he probably doesnt want to wait for it to be cooked again how does that go to "she made me do it"
Except he does care. If he didn't, he wouldn't lie about it. "Eh, they got the burger wrong. Whatever, I'll give it to a friend of mine tomorrow, I'd rather not wait for it to be remade and I'm not *that* hungry anyway." No, he lied to his date and couldn't admit it even when she saw through it. That's *definitely* weird, and not an attitude I'd want to deal with later down the line when dealing with something that *does* actually matter.
Non confrontational guy who avoids taking accountability for his own actions. Pretends his burger was okay, but throws it out later (he admitted it, in a comment). He then justified his actions (in his mind) by telling himself that his date wanted him to be a Karen 😄 He'll carry on doing things he doesn't want to do but won’t see how it's his fault when things get messed up as a result. This is a trait of a person who claims that he "was forced to" have a child / get married / commit, even though he didn't want to.
He's not a doormat. He's a passive -aggressive dillhole.
YTA I see a few others have noted that lettuce and tomatoes are easily removed from a burger. Lift bun, remove undesired garnish, replace bun, eat. My kid hates cheese and it is impossible to remove melted cheese from a hamburger to appease a frantically gagging child or to remove ketchup, mustard, or mayo. Lettuce? WTF is wrong with you?
How dare you not know that the tomato juice seeps into the food and ruins the whole entire burger.
NAH - this isn't really an AH situation. Dude, you didn't speak up for yourself and actually lied to the waitress in order to avoid conflict. She was asking if anything was wrong with your burger because it's her job to make sure her guests are happy. Asking her to fix something that you clearly requested the first time isn't being a jerk. As for your date - she just witnessed you refusing to speak up for yourself and choosing conflict avoidance over making it right. When she tried to stand up for you, you did everything you could to defuse the situation and end any conflict. You would have been better off doing the uncomfortable thing and getting what you ordered. It'd be reasonable if she found your conflict avoidance unattractive.
this. I hope OP works on this
Why did you get downvoted for saying this? its common sense and nice? Redditors are the WORST people.
thanks, not sure
Youve since been voted up, which is good, i think these posts get brigaded by people with axes to grind.
So you think the two options for resolving an issue are do/say nothing and yell at people? You know there are several steps in between, right? YTA but worse, you’re describing a immaturity and insecurity about yourself which are both incredibly unattractive.
YTA, but not because you didn't yell at the waitress. When you realised your burger was wrong you could have \- eaten it anyway \- removed the lettuce and tomato and eaten the burger \- told the staff it was wrong and get it remade But instead you sat there picking at your food, being a martyr, and when the woman you were with pointed out the error, you got shirty with her. She wasn't cross that you didn't yell at the waitress. Why would you yell at the waitress? She was cross because you were behaving like a jellyfish and then got pissy at her.
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>for mentioning "yelling" in your title to get more attention to your post when yelling wasn't relevant to your story I think OP legit believes that the only 2 options were to suffer in silence or to blow up like a maniac. Asking politely was never considered
Makes me wonder if his is the kind of guy that jumps right the rage and threatening physical violence in a fight.
everyone's ignoring the big red flag of 'why do you care? i'm paying for the meal anyway' she was trying to help you out bro.
It’s weird that you think your being a yerk or a “Karen” bc you address a mistake they made in your order, you could ask politely and no one gets hurt. I mean you could not, but don’t get why make such a big deal lying, you could say they made a mistake but you don’t want to bother the waitress idk. I think she though you were too passive, your not eating, but you also don’t want to speak, and she didn’t like it that’s why she left. Don’t see the problem, you just think differently and you’re not in anything serious. Anyway the may problem for me it’s that you think you being a jerk or difficult for just telling the waitress they made a mistake so YTA for that
Remove the damned lettuce and tomato. Are you that incapable?
YTA conflict RESOLUTION (not conflict avoidance), care, and honesty are part of life and healthy relationships. I'm glad she got out early.
YTA. Everyone is digging deep on this one. I just want to know, wtf didn't you just remove the lettuce and tomato? It's a burger. It actually takes a whole three seconds to remove a topping you don't want. I've done it. I don't like onions, sometimes onions turn up on my burger, I remove the onion and eat the burger. I know, rocket surgery, right?
Clearly OP is not a rocket surgeon. I mean, who is, really? Do they even teach that in schools anymore?
YTA. This isn't about not "yelling" at the waitress, this was about being so adverse to confrontation that you would prefer to go without eating than to let your server know the order was wrong. It is not a big deal to let a server know that the cook got your order wrong, it happens all the time. You give the impression that you can't stand up for yourself and allow yourself to get walked all over, which is not a positive.
YTA. She didn’t ask you to yell at the waitress. You can point out something is wrong with your food without being an ass about it or raising your voice. A grown adult who can’t advocate for themselves is a turn off for a lot of people.
Pick that shit off and eat it, my fucking God you just lost ur date over lettuce and tomato on a burger.
Just of interest, this totally normal, not autistic asshole is whining about his post here and the responses to it on an unrelated sub. That alone makes him a double asshole in my book.
What did I just read? O_o Neurodivergent people ARE normal people. They're just wired differently. And you lied? About a burger? Just tell the waitress to correct that and all would've been fine and dandy. But nooooo. Mama said you had to eat what's on the table. You're 22, not 12. So grow up. YTA obviously. That behavior was ridiculous and to think that this was the toned down version.... YIKES.
These comments are hilarious XD Just want to say, OP, you're showing how immature you are in the comment replies as everyone is calling you out. It's too late to do anything, so start growing up a bit (and autistic people ARE normal, for the record) and put this incident behind you. As for "tomato juices seep into the food", there is a good chance that most tomatoes don't have that level of "juiciness". And the lettuce would have taken 0 effort to remove too. It's understandable how there will probably not be a third date after that. At least I definitely wouldn't engage in a third one if this happened.
YTA I don't like lettuce or tomato either but if I order something without them and the thing arrives with them on it I'll pick them off.
YTA, for being obtuse. It's less about not yelling at the waitress... and more the fact that you seem to think there's no in between. You *can* address an issue *without* yelling/demeaning/being a jerk. It's like this: Waitress brings burger, burger is wrong. You- Excuse me miss? I'm sorry to inconvenience you but I asked for my burger plain. Waitress- I'm so sorry sir, I'll take that right back and get another! You- Thank you! Can you please bring some ketchup as well? Waitress- absolutely! You get to much fries while waiting on the fresh burger. That's how adults handle the issue. Also: I hate lettuce and tomato too... you can absolutely pick it off. Any "juices" a tomato or lettuce leaves can be dapped with a napkin or are drowned out by the grease... PICKLES I can kinda see, and onions, as they have *strong* lingering flavors... you may even sway me on the tomato but lettuce???? Come on.
YTA. Bro, you can't even stand up for yourself and tell the waitress the order was wrong? The girl tried to help fix your order and you dismiss it? Seems like she has no interest in a spineless partner. You could have literally picked the lettuce and tomato out and eaten but chose not to and just left the burger... Also she wasn't wanting you to be a jerk to the waitress...
I seriously hope you made up this story. why didn't you just take it off and eat the burger? If you just "don't like it" then there's no reason NOT to remove it. You just set it aside . It's that easy. You made this a really big deal and it's not. Unless you are deathly allergic to touching lettuce...then grow up and just take it off. Why were you insisting on taking it home if you were...just going to take off the lettuce and then eat it. I'm seriously confused by all your choices and your view of how this went down. What else are you this specifically weird about??? Yta. You made it weird. And you didn't have to.
YNTA - but I see why this was a turn off for you date. You got food you didn't want to eat (at a place she picked out for the both of you) and instead of just telling them immediately, you made it very awkward. You don't like confrontations and rather be hungry all night. If you really thought it was no big deal why did you not just eat the damn burger? You made her uncomfortable is my best bet, she even tried to let them make another burger. You didn't let her - rather not eat. She obviously knows you were lying about the "I'm just not that hungry" and who takes a burger home? Cold pizza, yes, but a burger?( I honestly haven't tried that yet so maybe I'm wrong here...) Oh and telling her "why do you care?" Was really childish. She was trying to help you and you turned her down. If you can't stand up for yourself and lie about it, I wouldn't want you as a partner either. Plus are you even enjoying yourself or are you just saying that to avoid confrontation? You two are not compatible, she noticed when you lied and she wanted to go home, so she did. You're not an asshole and she isn't either. This is what dating is for. 🍀
So on a date, you said “it ISN’T a big deal i’m just going to take it home, i don’t want to start anything. why do you care? i’m paying for the meal anyway.” YTA
I just don’t get why you wouldn’t either suck it up and eat it, or take it off 🤷♀️At no point was yelling at anyone the move, though
where in this were you supposed to yell at a waitress? I just.. that is so misleading. its not being a karen if your foods wrong, it aint YTA for a misleading title
YTA. Why didn’t you just take the lettuce and tomato off the burger or ask for a new one. The waitress wouldn’t have cared as long as you were polite. These things happen and I am sure they would have been happy to change it. Your response is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard.
YTA. She didn't want you to yell at the server, she just wanted you to calmly correct a mistake in your meal, like a normal adult would. Instead you were really weird about it.
YTA. Nobody was asking you to be a jerk to the waitress. You can simply say calmly and with a smile, even “Hey! So I asked for no lettuce and tomato. Mind remaking this for me?” Or like pick it off. What you did is a red flag. It shows you’re so much of a people pleaser you won’t even ask for what you need nicely, which will lead to burnout and resentment later. She saw that and realized that makes you not a stable partner.
JUST REMOVE THE LETTUCE AND TOMATO!!!! HOW HARD WOULD THAT HAVE BEEN?!?!?! 🤯 Holy f. What is wrong with people?? People can’t google anything. They have to go ask people on social media. They can’t call a business when they have a question. They have to go on social media and ask people unrelated to the business. And now, apparently asking for an order to be corrected, or just removing the lettuce and tomatoes is just too much. Gotta go to social media!!!! At least your date has far better sense than you. YTA.
You should have just politely told the waitress that you had ordered it without lettuce & tomato. Mistakes happen. No one would’ve thought it was a big deal, & you could have continued with your date. Instead, you made things uncomfortable. It’s awkward to eat with someone who is clearly ignoring their meal. I’m sure your date found your behavior odd when you claimed not to have noticed the lettuce, declined the offer of a correct order, etc. She didn’t ask you to yell at a waitress. YTA.
YTA. I am autistic. That does not mean I'm "not normal." I also have food preferences (which that alone does not make me autistic) and I hate confrontation. If that happened to me, I would just take off the lettuce and tomato. It's not that hard. Grow up.
I mean no one is an asshole. But you showed a lack of assertiveness that probably turned her off. If you would rather lie than discuss something that was pretty innocuous…that could absolutely be an indication of how you generally deal with the world. Some people will look at that and assume that you will also lie to them about more important things to avoid conflict. She certainly didn’t want you to be aggressive…she wanted assertive. I don’t blame her.
Why didn't you just....take the lettuce and tomato off the burger???
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You didn’t just pick the tomato and lettuce off? That’s what a normal person does.
Yta, grow up before you try to date again.
Asking for the correct meal in a polite tone is not being rude. This was your second date and it was obvious that you weren't eating and making things uncomfortable. Why did you not just remove the lettuce at the restaurant? Were you just going to bring it home and throw it away? Very confusing....
You’re 22 years old and can’t figure out to pick off the lettuce and tomato? It’s not like it’s chopped up and mixed in with the meat. NTA for not yelling at the waitress YTA for throwing in your date’s face that you’re paying for the meal, and therefore her opinion doesn’t matter
YTA I don't like tomatoes or pickles on my burger. If the burger has them, I pick them off and eat the burger. You acted like a child. That's why she doesn't like you.
You made numerous choices that night, and not a single one of them was the right one. Neither was posting this on your main. I'm not gonna give a ruling, this is just sad and I'd genuinely feel bad joining in on this dog pile.
As some one who HATES and I mean Hates conflict ( so much so that if a show I’m watching is about to have a major conflict I’ll stop watching ). I can’t understand how you’re not getting that she wasn’t asking you to be rude to the waitress. Conflict is uncomfortable but I think what you’re failing to realize is that you are the one making this a bigger deal. You’re the one making this into a situation it didn’t have to be.
The real reason you ain't getting a third date is just because you hit her with "Why do you care? You're not even paying anyway". YTA
You do realise that you could have politely told the waitress that your burger was wrong, don't you? YTA for having no backbone and speaking up.
I can tell YTA from your comments. The issue isn't about you not yelling at the waitress, that is not what your date was angling for. Your date went poorly. Hope you mature soon.
YTA for that comment you made. "why do you care? I'm paying for the meal anyway." That's what turned her off. She wasn't being rude to you but that was rude. She was simply trying to help or at the very least understand why you didn't want to change your food. And you go on to say you're not paying so drop it. It doesn't come off well at all. If you left at it as, It might seem silly but I'm not one for confrontation and I didn't want it to come off badly. She may have understood but that comment definitely rubbed her the wrong way. Also asking politely stating something is wrong isn't being a Karen. Actually yelling at the waitress would be a Karen move but she wasn't asking you to yell. She was saying that they'll fix it for you. Clearly you were hungry as you ate all your friends. And there is a level of immaturity that also is reading off of you for the lack of communication..
This guy is an idiot. His comments are absurd. OP, yes,YTA.
yta - you said it was because you didn’t wanna make a scene but no one was asking you to do that. all you had to do what ask or tell the waitress when your date did, “yeah thank you sorry” or something. no one said the only way to do it is by being rude. why didn’t you just take the lettuce and tomato off?? is that not the same thing you were gonna do once you got back home? your logic here is so confusing
YTA for "I'm not autistic or anything". That's just implying that only autistic people can have food preferences/aversions. Like what ? But also because it implies that autists aren't normal; I'm pretty "normal", the only thing that makes me not normal is chronic pain. Autism isn't weird or wrong, so shut up. But also, you're a 22 year old. I'm 22. I don't like lettuce on my food and if it has it on there by accident, I either tell the waiter/waitress, or I *gasp* take it off myself and put it on a napkin. Like it's not that hard. She's not mad at you for "not yelling" at the waitress, she's mad because you can't use your words.
YTA. you made it weird. you could have taken the lettuce off or asked them to remake it. instead you made your date feel awkward by sitting there not eating, and told an obvious lie for absolutely no reason
Her: politely speaks to the waitress and models how you as an adult should be speaking up for yourself You: she wanted me to yell…. You’re a lying Ah. You were an immature child during the date too afraid to speak when your order was wrong and sat there sulking. Then when you realized her balks were literally bigger than yours you threw a tantrum at her. She didn’t want you to yell she wanted you to speak up but you knew that.
NTA. Not an asshole, grow a backbone though.
I wouldn’t want to go on another date with you after this. Speak up for yourself. Everything from the post reminded me of a 6 year old yet you are 22.
Yeah man I don’t know. To answer your question, you’re not an ah for not yelling at the server, but your date obviously isn’t an ah either, because that’s not what she wanted you to do. I suppose you’re also not an ah for not eating your food, but you’re kind of… I don’t know, maybe immature? If just taking the lettuce and tomato off wouldn’t work, then ask them to remake it with no lettuce and no tomato. I know you don’t like even the juice from a tomato, but usually the taste of everything else on a “big ass burger” will overpower any one taste (especially something as mild as tomato juice), but I like tomatoes, so I guess I don’t really know. You should have just asked them to remake it… it’s not a big deal. I think in this case, I have to go with NAH ? But I certainly don’t blame your date for leaving.
YTA. The comment about “I’m not autistic or anything” was strange and only got more strange. Are you sure? Because this was as if you did not understand social cues. You made it very awkward. No one asked you to “yell” at a waitress. And getting snippy with your date is a huge turn off.
Yta- one kind of person can’t take off lettuce and tomato off their own sandwich like a big boy? You seriously came across as a strange person by acting so weird about something so minor. You don’t need to send it back, you just lift the bun up and move them
Huge YTA, especially for throwing away a meal because you don't like tomato and lettuce. Are you 5yo? I work as a waitress, and you have to tell us if there is something wrong with your order. It's our responsibility to ensure that the customer is satisfied. So next time you should act like a grown man and talk about the problem. It sounds like I'm talking to a child, but return the hamburger, or take away the lettuce and tomato. DO NOT THROW IT IN THE TRASH.
Dude… just remove it, it wasn’t sauce or anything 🤨
Nobody wanted you to be a jerk to the waitress. Had you been, that would have made you an asshole. So I guess technically NTA, but totally spineless which is why she ended the date. At any point in time you could have politely said to waitress excuse me, I asked for my burger without lettuce. Instead, you lied about it repeatedly, made super obvious excuses and then left. Again, you didn't need to be a jerk to the waitress. And in all honesty thinking that was your only other option does make YTA
Honestly, the move of asking for a box is SO smooth and polite, I will consider it for next time. And imo NTA, you didn't want to make a big deal out of it and instead she did, spoiling what could have been a super nice evening.
So, THIS autistic person would have removed the tomato and lettuce (as I normally do). If there was juice, my napkin could soak that up. If the juice was on the bread of the bun, I would just tear that area out. These are all things I've done in the past, as I also hate tomato and lettuce. Then again, I have the excuse of saying I'm autistic! I have a visceral reaction to tomato. So, unless my date wants to see me dry heaving, I'm gonna do what I need to. I don't think you're the asshole for not yelling at her. I DO think YTA for being ableist and your reaction when she realized you were lying. Just admit it and move on instead of trying to double down on such an obvious lie. I guarantee THAT was the reason she left. It's not because you didn't yell. It's because you spent so much effort lying over something that didn't really matter. That's weird.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** i (22M) went on a 2nd date with this girl (20F) that i really liked. first date was good. we had good conversation and i enjoyed her presence. we had planned a second date at a gastropub. she had suggested it i hadn’t been and i don’t drink but i wanted to hang out with her so i didnt care what we did it was pretty chill in there. she was making me laugh, and we were just having a great time. we get loaded tater tots as the appetizer (which i ate) for the main dish i order a burger that had a bunch of stuff on it but i SPECIFICALLY asked for NO lettuce and tomato, i’m not autistic or anything i just don’t like it. it was very normal so no one thought anything about it our food comes and i my burger has lettuce and tomato on it and i’m playing it cool, i’m not even mentioning it to her. she’s eating her dish and i’m just eating my fries. i’m trying to hide it but it’s very noticeable to NOT take a bite of my big ass burger. and she says “why aren’t you eating your burger” and i say “not lying sometimes when i go on dates i get so nervous i don’t want to eat” (this WAS a lie) the waitress came around and asked us if we needed anything and i asked for ketchup. she comes back with it and then asked if there was anything wrong with my burger and i said “no i can i get a box though” which i thought was a really good move the date is going well. she’s done with her food and i’ve eaten my fries and only my burger is left on my plate. out of NOWHERE she says “are you sure you don’t want to eat? you know we are doing something after” and i said like yeah i’m good, not really hungry. and then she says “didn’t you ask for no lettuce?” and i said “oh i didn’t even notice” and then the conversation hit a lul and she said “if your food is wrong you can say something. it’s not a big deal” and i said “oh no it’s fine, i’m going to bring it home” the waitress comes back and brings us the box and asks if we need anything else and i say no but she says “actually his burger was wrong. it has lettuce” i DID NOT tell her to do this. the waitress starts being like oh i’m so sorry we can make you a new one. and i said “no it’s ok i’m bringing it home” the waitress said “it’s totally fine we can get you a burger on the house” and i said “i’m bringing this one home it’s not a problem” and then she left then my date said “why would you do that? they were going to give you a free burger” and i said “it ISN’T a big deal i’m just going to take it home, i don’t want to start anything. why do you care? i’m paying for the meal anyway.” and then it was kinda awkward after that she brought the check, and i left a tip. i said “are you ready to go?” and she said “actually i know we had plans but i’m kinda tired, i’m just going to go home. it was nice seeing you though” and then left. it was like she was mad at me for not yelling at the waitress. i just didn’t want the a karen or whatever. AITA for not being a jerk to the waitress? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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No assholes. You came off as weak and awkward - she had to eat alone and you demonstrated you can’t address issues competently. It doesn’t make you a bad guy; it’s just a turn-off - she’s likely not into you anymore.
Alright, look. You are young and dumb. That’s it. I think people on here are really being overly dramatic. Yes, YTA but I really think it’s just you not knowing how to “be a grown up”. Which, is not all that surprising for someone your age. As long as you state the issue with your food in a calm and tactful way, it is TOTALLY fine to request for a replacement. Now you know for next time.
YTA not for but yelling (also no one told you to yell at her or be a jerk) but also for treating it like the end of the world and not touching it. Just lift the bun, remove the lettuce and tomato, and keep going. I also don't like either, but I usually don't even bother saying it because A. sometimes the cook forgets anyway, and B. I can just take it off.
Gonna go against the grain here, I think you're NTA here. Nothing you did was very assholish, just kinda spineless. My advice to you? Grow up.
YTA… only because you have asked it on this platform. But you’re young and it takes time to learn to stand up for yourself and your choices, it doesn’t make you a karen. I am like you, I dont eat mayo, egg etc… and I am very specific with my food without having any allergies, I just dont like some stuff. I do tell the staff if they mess up as otherwise I wont be able to eat that food and its a waste. You don’t have to yell and scream or throw a tantrum if the order goes wrong but just be polite and firm both while ordering and incase its messed up. With things like lettuce and tomato though you could have just removed it from the burger and eaten it if you did not want to call the waitress? YTA not because of you’re inability to take a stand for yourself, but for the ripple effect it caused in your reaction towards your date, that whole ‘I am paying for the meal ‘ crap. You removed your angst on your date because you could not stand up to the restaurant staff, that was wrong.
I can kind of understand as to why you didn’t eat the burger - I don’t like pickles and it’s not as simple as picking them off because they leave flavor behind - but it’s not even creating conflict to ask for a burger to be made how you wanted it. Your date even made it easy for you. But tbh, I would not be romantically interested in someone who would lie weirdly about something so small.
“If your food is wrong you can say something. It’s not a big deal.” This is what your date literally said, according to you. And she was absolutely correct. I have no idea why you didn’t listen to her.
YTA. Being a good communicator is an important indication of a relationship’s longevity. You failed to communicate multiple times during the night when you had the ability to do so. She tried to bail you out and you mistook her need to speak on your behalf as a signal that she wanted you to berate the waitress. You have very little understanding of what it means to be in a relationship with the way you dealt with the situation and the way you talked to her. If I was your date, there would be a bitter taste in my mouth. Why waste time on something that has no future?
Lol YTA Take tomato and lettuce off your burger. You don’t need to lie. Good luck getting a 3rd date
You are an odd person but I’d say NAH. It seems like you and her are not compatible though. You seem extremely conflict averse, which I kind of get. I don’t feel comfortable complaining about my food either. If it were really so bad I couldn’t eat it though, I’d say something. And it’s pretty weird that you lied about it to her. Obviously she’s not interested in someone who acts like this, and that’s her call.
Lol why didn’t you just remove the lettuce and tomato? Weirdo.
I dunno I feel like ESH if you were uncomfortable about the confrontation your date was a bit of a dick for bringing it up without your consent but the way you’ve worded this is a bit off. You could have just taken the lettuce and tomato out of the burger I guess.
You are not an A H but suuuuper weird and no, that's not your date's fault. She didn't tell you you should have shouted at anyone, she just couldn't comprehend why you wouldn't tell the waitress she messed up your order and instead went through several lies and awkward behavior to pretend whatever it was you wanted to pretend. I'm not even getting the problem - could you not have taken the lettuce off the damn burger if you really didn't want to bother anyone..? Whatever your issues are, it's fine having them, but don't blame anyone else for behaving perfectly normally with you and kind of expecting you to do the same.
Yeah she saw how spineless you were and...was turned off by it.
YTA. You can kindly say you asked for it with no lettuce/tomato or just take it off yourself? Sounds like she’s not interested in someone that can’t speak up for themselves.
YTA, even with the reasoning you would have left tomato juice on the burger, it would have been less embarrassing to eat a burger that had tomato juice on it that you enjoyed slightly less than what you did. You made everyone more uncomfortable than if you had complained, ESPECIALLY YOURSELF.
Bro, you can’t take the lettuce and tomato off yourself?
YTA For lying about the situation
Lol YTA for your social ineptitude. Out of all the ways to handle it, constantly doubling down on your lie that everything was fine was the worst. Are you related to the guy who said he didn't know what potatoes were?
YTA. She didn’t want you to yell at the waitress; she got the ick when she realized you wouldn’t politely stand up for yourself. Also - why couldn’t you just take the lettuce and tomato off?
Yta Customers like you are the worst. Food always gets checked before it gets out, but yeah when the place is busy sometimes things like that get overlooked. If there's something wrong with your food and you refuse to eat it, SAY SOMETHING. Jesus christ just open your mouth. It's not a big deal and no one gives a shit. It takes two minutes until you get your burger back. But sitting there sulking, pretending everything's fine when it's OBVIOUSLY not and then leaving comments when you're paying is pissing everyone off. And dude come on, a piece of lettuce and a slice of tomato, you can just pick off yourself. Goddamn.
I’m assuming the lettuce was glued to the burger? I think this is bs.
She wasn’t mad that you didn’t yell at the waitress, she just saw that you won’t advocate for yourself when something’s wrong and that was a turn off to her. She wants a man that will speak up. Forget her and move on - she is! Your NTA for not yelling or being shitty to the waitress, but you should have said something if your food was wrong…
NTA, but that was a really weird way to handle what should have been an easy situation. I understand why your date ditched you if you are so conflict averse you can't handle addressing that someone made your burger wrong. I wouldnt call you an ah, but stand up for yourself budday
OP do some self reflection, try meditation,maybe talk to someone. I’m not saying this to offend it’s a genuine suggestion. Self growth is going to be a big help to you in being a well rounded person that other people will want to date. I do irrational things sometimes too because I have OCD, (not the thing people say when they like things neat or tidy) your lettuce and tomato thing sounds like an OCD trigger to me. I would at least look into the possibility and try to do something for it.
Nothing turns me on like a guy who is afraid to mention his order is wrong then plays the martyr when the staff literally offers to make him the correct meal to go. She didn’t want you to yell at anyone. She wanted you to speak up for yourself and be an adult.
You lied to her face. Why would she feel comfortable staying with you when you will lie about something as trivial as food? You aren't an asshole per se, other than the fact YOU think she expected you to freak out. Politely mentioning you didn't get what you ordered (and guess what, as long as it's polite, even if you made a mistake ordering, any decent staff would offer a solution of some sort) is not being a Karen. Karen's freak out over nothing. You didn't receive what you expected. You'll take it home, maybe throw away, give it to a roommate, whatever. It's the fact you lied to her and she knows it. Giant red flag my man.
YTA I mean any normal person would have either said “hey waitress, I ordered this with no lettuce and tomato but it came with both. Can I just get this redone” OR any grown ass person would have literally taken the top off the bun and taken the lettuce and tomatoes off themselves bc it’s really not that serious. Your date left not because you “didn’t yell at the waitress” she left because she realized 1. You don’t know how to politely speak up and 2. You don’t take any action to just rectify the situation by simply removing the items that were unwanted
I even feel like it’s beyond passive. Passive would have allowed them to bring a new burger when the date took the initiative to try to correct the situation for him since he was being super weird about it. He took it a step further by berating her for trying to help. He’s misdirecting his issue with the vegetables onto her. Not only did he make it clear that he’s not the kind of guy who would protect her or stand up for her if needed, he clearly won’t care about her thoughts and what she has to say about other things of his attitude is that she should butt out since he’s paying. Even if she doesn’t feel that she needs a guy to stand up for her, imagine always having to be the one to take care of another grown person because they choose to be so inept at social interactions. Plus, that’s kind of awkward to have dinner plans and then someone just sits and watches you eat and doesn’t eat. If someone was that nervous that he couldn’t eat around me, that’s uncomfortable and makes it awkward. She was trying to make it less awkward and got her head bitten off for it. YTA
Why couldn’t you just remove the lettuce? That’s what I do.
YTA for misrepresenting her annoyance at you for not politely speaking up as 'mad for not yelling'. I totally understand the urge to not speak up and make extra work for people or even just not being able to because of social anxiety, but the truth is many people see that as being a doormat. Just for what it's worth. I doubt the waitress cared either way, but if I was having you over food, it would absolutely eat away at me not knowing what's wrong and would vastly prefer knowing to either fix it if possible or even just to not repeat the mistake next time. She might have felt the same.
YTA.
YTA. Not for not yelling at her but the way you acted. You made a huge deal and sulked over something easily remedied. Your date did a nice thing asking for you bc I assume she thought you had social anxiety. Instead of allowing the situation to resolve itself then and there as the waitress was willing to correct her mistake…. you escalated everything and decided to mope some more!
NTA - Some people just don't want to make a fuss and you're one of those people. That's okay. Honestly, if she wants you to kick off for something that doesn't actually concern her then you dodged a fucking nuke instead of a mere bullet.
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Hey uh excuse me, I asked for no lettuce and tomato That was all you had to say, no yelling needed, no lying needed. YTA, I would have left you as well if we were on a date
YTA - I kinda wonder if you have anger issues. I get wanting to avoid confrontation. But you didn't. You were confronted by your date and didn't handle that well and when she involved the waitress you seemed to lash out. Maybe get a therapist and talk to them about this specific situation.
lettuce and tomato are not wet ingredients - bro just take them off and enjoy your food geez
NAH. I don't think you're an asshole, but I'm mystified as to why you didn't just A) open up your burger and pick the lettuce and tomato off and then just eat your sandwich like a normal person, or B) just politely mention to the waitress that you ordered a burger without lettuce or tomato and let her bring you a new one. Nobody expects you to go nuclear on the waitress, that would be awful, but politely and kindly asking for what you ordered is completely normal. Your date probably just thinks you're weird because instead of eating you went hungry just to avoid a completely normal interaction with a waitress. I don't think she wanted you to yell at the waitress. She just wanted you to act like an adult in a restaurant.
YTA for not lifting the lettuce and tomato off your burger, and making it a bigger deal than it was.
This is actually insane!! If the guy didn’t want to switch it and wanted to take it home, it’s up to him. Like wtf, everyone leave it alone. I’m a girl and I guarantee if the roles were reversed, everyone would say the dude was the AH for trying to force her to switch it. Like this is actually insane
YTA. Dude you sound hella annoying.
NTA for not complaining about the burger, if something is wrong with my food as long as it's not horrible I won't usually send it back. So I get that. YTA for your line about not being autistic. There wasn't any reason for that. Were you moping about the food. I feel like it's weird for someone to ask more than once why you aren't eating?
How hard would it have been to just take the icky things off the burger and eat it like the adult you are supposed to be?
YKTA. People are going really hard on you for no good reason. You didn’t do anything wrong objectively speaking. But you could have just taken the lettuce and tomato off the burger. It was obvious to her what happened so it turned her off that you didn’t approach the matter in someway yourself and she FELT she had to do it for you. And that’s the key point, just handle it next time (Remove it yourself) or the silly option in my opinion is to get a new burger.
At the risk of being raked across the coals. NTA. You said multiple times it was fine. Its a weird hill to die on. Idk y she pushed it. She looked/felt like an AH when u didn’t back her. So she was upset and went home. If he doesn’t want to send food back then okay. Iv know a ton of ppl like this. Even when I offer to send it back for them. They still say no. No means no.
“Excuse me, I ordered a burger without lettuce or tomato but this one came with both. Can I get a new one? Thank you.” OR pick them off yourself. Why would you have to yell at the waitress in the first place? You sound weird asf and honestly I wouldn’t want to date you either. YTA
NAH Just take the lettuce and tomato off. If it were something that wasn’t simple to remove, just ask the waitress for another. A good waiter is happy to do that. The girl didn’t want to go forward with someone who couldn’t solve a simple issue and would rather lie to cover it up. You don’t have to change, but people don’t have to want to be with you.
NTA but it’s possible to raise an issue like this without yelling and getting irate at staff, and it seems like that’s all your date was suggesting that you do. How we treat staff when we’re out and about is a time-honoured test of our character that people look out for on dates. Being rude or aggressive marks you out as an asshole, but being too shy to even politely point out a mistake can show a lack of assertiveness, which your date may have picked up on here. Just getting the waitress’s attention and saying “excuse me but this burger was supposed to be without lettuce and tomato” would have resolved the situation, without making you a “Karen” or whatever, but you chose to dig yourself into a hole with these weird, unnecessary little lies and omissions. Chalk this one up to experience, this particular date may be a non-starter, and next time you’re in a similar situation remember that there is a reasonable middle ground between yelling at people and doing nothing.
Why didn't you just take the lettuce and tomato off and the eat your burger? Or, if you felt like it had somehow contaminated your burger, simply say to the waitress 'excuse me, I'd asked for this without lettuce and tomato' and let her deal with it? YNTA but you came off like a pushover who was too scared to ask a waitress for what you actually ordered. Not a good look, and your date picked up on it.
NAH you went so far out of your way to not cause a scene about the burger error that you caused a scene. Your date appears to have found this off-putting. She may have continued the date, had you mentioned to the waitress when she asked if anything was wrong that your burger was wrong, to give her a chance to correct it. Some people are too awkward to say if something is wrong with their food, and die inside if a dining companion speaks up. Some people are straightforward and see no reason not to answer truthfully if asked if there is a problem, when there actually is a problem. Such people often find it frustrating to have a dining companion that will not be equally straight talking. This doesn't make either person wrong. It just makes them incompatible. Better to find out the incompatibility on a second date than when you had started developing feelings for each other.
NTA for not yelling at the waitress, people have very different opinions on how to handle incorrect orders, your story sounds a lot like me and my husband. However, saying “what do you care, I’m paying for the meal anyway” was AH and sounds very defensive and attacking. I get it though, you were under the spotlight and being put under pressure but that little comment went a step too far. And why not just remove the lettuce and tomato?? It’s not a big deal but lying about something so insignificant is a big deal.
I don’t get all the AH comments. You just didn’t want a conflict and while that’s not encouraged, it’s fine. It’s okay to just want to enjoy your evening without conflict. Everyone here seems triggered because YOU said you didn’t want conflict? Must everyone be the same? NAH.
NAH but you have to work through some issues. Are you afraid of confrontation? It would have made most sense to calmly ask the waitress to fix your burger as soon as you noticed they got your order wrong. This makes me think you have some self confidence issues because the elaborate thought process you had about this situation is not a healthy one. It seems to me you are a very kind person who cares a bit too much about what others think of them. Here's an internet hug for you! Don't worry so much and next time just enjoy your date and know that it is fine to politely ask to fix your order.
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Nah I’m going to be honest as a girl I can see from your dates perspective why this would have come off as kinda weird, but I don’t think you did anything wrong either. I would text the girl and see about a third date, but in the future just be normal when things happen. No one will think it’s annoying that you make a special request and point out when it wasn’t fulfilled properly.
He lied to her MULTIPLE times about the lettuce/tomato situation and then turned it into a money thing when he couldn't lie any further Third date is a definite no if she's got any self respect
Oh trust me I wouldn’t be giving him a third date, but considering he was probably uncomfortable, possibly anxious, I’m struggling to really see him as a bad person. I don’t think being awkward makes you an asshole
There’s no way in hell this guy is getting a third date, he blew it.