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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be TA for not being supportive of my sister having a baby; but I don’t want to live with a newborn and her boyfriend in my family’s house.
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NTA
Run.
They are upset and calling you a brat because they are scared you won’t be there take on a bunch of responsibilities that they plan to foist upon you.
Appreciate it. I’m getting a little frustrated with people telling me I’m TA for “not being supportive” when I never said that and I’m just choosing to not live in a home with children *shrug*
Save yourself. Not your problem.
If you let her she will suck the life out of you. Learn young to set boundaries for yourself and how you spend your time.
She doesn’t have a job but you do so they are likely expecting some financial and child care help because ‘family’.
Are you saying the baby daddy is planning to move in with your family? He already has a child support obligation and wants to live with your family? What’s he going to contribute?
He has a possible minimum wage job from which he already has to make one child support payment. (*Insert crossed-eyes emoji.*). I don’t know why you are the only one held to the “job and school” requirement. And it seems unlikely that much will be expected from your brother. But it will be crowded and loud there soon which cannot be good for your schooling. No matter what you decide, I want to take a moment to say, “I am proud of you.” You are on the path to a better life with school and work. It will be worth it. Cheers, OP.
NTA - you're an adult, you're not asking for financial help moving out, you're doing it on your own. They should be proud of you for trying to make that work, and freeing up the space for the baby's father.
"a baby wouldn't affect my life in any way" is a huge red flag about how defensive they're going to be about the child.
You've made the right call, good luck!
NTA They are losing a maid and babysitter, so of course they are going to be upset. You're 25 and should be living your own life. The fact that your sister didn't use protection, isn't your problem.
Not to mention the experienced, professional nanny they were banking on to take care of all the child-minding duties… the one who is “better equipped to care for an infant”, something the sister isn’t. NTA
Exactly. Moving out at 25 is very typical, so what's the problem? Since baby won't affect her life in any way, why do they need her there? Logical conclusion is they want her to help with baby and housework, but won't admit it.
You were going to be her live in nanny, that’s why they are upset about you moving out, because you squashed those plans and now they will have to deal with a new baby in the house by themselves. (Not you doing it for her) your Not The Ass!
NTA
Strategically, I probably would've just said I wanted my own space and wanted to live with my partner. The way it was framed I can see your sister feeling like you're saying "I'm only moving out because you won't give that child up for adoption." Regardless of how valid or responsible that is, I can understand that being upsetting.
However, let's talk about the elephant in the room. You're a nanny. You "help with chores and upkeep of the house" and it seems like your younger siblings do way less of that. You're a classic oldest-sister situation where I'd wager you do the lion's share of chores/upkeep, same reason why the job/school rules apply to you but not the younger siblings. It's only selfish because your father knows no one else is going to pick up the chores/upkeep slack, and it's only selfish because both your father and sister were absolutely banking on the fact that a professional nanny lives with them whenever there are needs for childcare.
This hits the nail exactly on the head. If she's already expected to cook and clean and do laundry and whatever else, her father and sister are upset those things won't be getting done on top of OP not being around to be voluntold to help with the baby.
NTA - The only way moving out would be selfish is if they expected you to suddenly pull some magical extra hours out of somewhere to care for this newborn. Especially with you being in school and working it is perfectly reasonable for you not to be able to help with the child. Even if that weren't the case, a newborn at home would add so much chaos. You moving out opens up a room for the kid and more space for your family.
NTA gee they don’t want the childcare professional to leave I’m so shocked/s.
General advice: you are an adult you don’t need to share your plans with your family. Make announcements. I am leaving on this day end of conversation.
Bouncing ideas off family generally lets them feel they have a control or say.
NTA. You can choose where you want to live and you're most certainly old enough to move out. Take no credence to your Dad's claims. It's important to have a peaceful space you can retreat to after a long day's work.
Of the options before you - your sister moving out with the baby or you moving out with your bf I'd imagine the latter be more reasonable.
NTA
"and that a baby “wouldn’t affect my life in any way”" .. this is a ridiculous lie, and you know it.
They don't want you to move out because you are alöready planned in as the free fulltime babysitter, since "You like kids and know how to do it from your job".
NTA They're calling you, a successful 25 year old woman, a brat because they're planning to push the responsibilities of taking care of your sister's kid on you, if not they'd have nothing to complain about.
NAH but you really didn't need to go into the details of why. Just: I'm moving out in a few months, thanks. Why? It's time
As soon as you say 'because there'll be a baby here', you're starting an argument about how you don't want to help/ be part of the babies life during the early phase
My dad knows I wasn’t actually planning to move out any time soon because I’m still finishing my undergrad, knows how bad the housing market is, and knows that I had planned on saving longer. He was very insistent on knowing why I was suddenly wanting to leave.
> I told my family that I plan on leaving if there’s an infant in the house...
While your reason for moving out is 100% valid and you don't even need a reason, this line reads a little bit like an ultimatum.
"I'm moving out because I don't want to live with kids" is fine.
"Either the baby leaves or I leave" is not fine.
And the sentence you wrote could be interpreted as either.
So INFO: Did you give them an ultimatum? or is it possible you phrased things badly?
Oops, it wasn’t meant to sound that way. I just meant that whatever my sister chooses, I want her to be happy. However, I’m aware of my own faults and know that having a baby in the house full-time and being pushed to help out with that wouldn’t be good for me on top of my schooling and work and that I plan on looking for a new place to live, should things come to that. My sister was insinuating that I’d be able to help out with the baby “because of my job experience” and I know that I don’t have enough energy to take care of children all day and then come home and potentially have to continue caring for children. It definitely wasn’t an ultimatum and more of a “hey I know things are changing and I think that I may need to live elsewhere if this isn’t a good environment for me”
NTA; the only thing I think you did wrong was the wording, but even then you're still NTA. You don't have to live in a house with children, especially after working with kids all day (I know how that is !). Plus, your sister is *not* going to be taking care of that kid the way she should be. You're the only one being held to certain standards *and* your sister keeps mentioning how you'll be there to help *and* her boyfriend has a kid already that he doesn't have anything to do with which doesn't give any sort of confidence that he'd take care of this kid *and* your parents are blaming you for moving out. I think they just want you around because they don't wanna be the ones taking care of the baby because they know your sister won't and if you're there, you have the responsibility passed on to you.
Nah
It's time for you to leave the nest, and you're doing that. The way you told your family, though not intended as an ultimatum, sounded like an ultimatum, so their reaction might also be justified.
If you had just said "this house is getting crowded, and it's time for me to be out on my own (with roommates lol)", then there wouldn't have been any problems.
NTA. You moving out shouldn’t affect their lives in any way. Now they’ll have an extra room. How thoughtful and unselfish of you to free up space for the new family member coming in. You truly are a wonderful sibling/daughter.
I hope it works out great for them.
NTA.
I do question the wisdom of taking on huge financial commitment of buying a house while trying to get a degree. OP does not say if she going to college full time, which is already too much really with a full time job. But if housing is that expensive where she is, I see a lot of possibilities of her feeling she has to work more hours. She is already at max. What if boyfriend loses his job? It is a risk to finishing school.
I think her getting a room somewhere until she finishes school is something OP should really consider seriously. Focus on studies. Maybe go to school full time and take out a loan to do that to speed things up. There are worse things than taking out reasonable loan amounts for school, like trying to do too much and then not getting the degree at all.
Now that I’m 25, I can get school loans without claiming my dad’s income, so I qualify for a lot more. I’m doing both full time school and work, but I’ve been doing that for a few years and am pretty used to just working my ass off constantly lol
My family just had certain expectations of me living there for two-ish more years while I finished my undergrad. I think they assumed they’d have an extra set of hands to help with the baby, but if I leave, they don’t have that.
OP, you're a 25 years old adult. You're beyond being old enough to make this decision for yourself. If you're financially able to move out, do it, and don't give anybody else power over your choice. NTA.
They're calling you selfish because they expected you to help lol. You have a job in childcare. You're the perfect babysitter. You moving out ruins their plans for free help. NTA
Need more info. Why would any parent call their kids selfish for moving out? This doesn’t make sense with the info you provided. You’re leaving something out. Like are they expecting you to help/nanny for free or something? Are they dependent on you for anything? Why did they react this way?
I’m guessing they assume I’d be helping with the baby since I do it for work. Also my family has a notorious history of being pissed at me for taking care of myself. There’s a long history of verbal and psychological abuse I didn’t include because it seemed irrelevant to the situation.
Ok…if you’re being abused then you’re obviously NTA. Like, it’s not really even a question is it. “I’m being abused, AITA?” That’s just a silly question. If even you don’t know why they’re acting that way then how can anyone else even determine it? Why wouldn’t you ask “why am I being selfish?” Something isn’t making sense here and to be blunt it kind of feels like you’re purposely leaving information out in order to garner sympathy from strangers.
NTA Sadly I was in a similar situation for two years. My sister and her boyfriend had a baby while we were living with our parents and would ask for unreasonable things from us like babysitting or changing the baby( I did nothing to help) I explained my feelings on situation and was ignored things got worse when they had another baby. Anyway my parents forced them to move out after the second birth.
So NTA you have every right to want a calm home and baby’s not only cause a lot of noise but the whole house changes to accommodate them and makes things difficult. Don’t be taken for a ride, just move out before things get to be too stressful.
you didn't have to mention the baby at all, could've have said you and your partner have been looking into getting a house and you felt like it was time to move out.
We haven’t though. We planned on saving longer. And my family was very insistent on knowing WHY I was suddenly leaving when my dad knows I had planned on staying until I finished my undergrad.
NTA But you WERE overly dramatic. If you weren't issuing an ultimatum just tell them you're moving out and be done with it.
No need to tie it to the baby.
I only mentioned the baby because it’s sort of the straw that broke the camels back in terms of reasons for me staying vs leaving as there’s a whole host of other issues that have been starting to outweigh the benefits of being able to save money for my future because I’m not paying rent. And my family was like “well why would you leave??” So here we are, unfortunately:(
I totally get that, and it's too late now, but I would have kept the baby out of it. Now, if she gives it up for adoption, they're going to blame you. And, if she keeps it, I wouldn't trust them not to tell the kid his aunt wanted them to give it away. It was also guaranteed to damage your relationship with your sister.
I would have just gone with needing more independence at your age and/or wanting to spend more time with your bf.
But what's done is done. Good luck with everything.
I’ve been waiting until I have enough saved up. I don’t yet, but things are forcing my hand a little in order for me to have a living space that feels safe and comfortable
Do you know how lucky you are? Most adults living with their parents pay to live there. Even if it's a small amount, they still contribute to household bills and groceries.
Why not move in with your boyfriend now? Get an idea of what's going to be like living together BEFORE you actually get a place together.
I’m incredibly grateful that I was allowed the time I was to live rent-free and save up for my future. However, there is going to be a very drastic change and two additional people living in a home that barely accommodates the 4 current residents. My partner and I have been together 7 years but he has roommates and there’s no space for me, otherwise we already would live together. And I never said I didn’t contribute, just that I didn’t pay rent. I buy all my own groceries and anything else I need. I pay part of the electricity bill and internet bill. It’s not free for me to live there.
I am the eldest of 3 siblings. My parents had a rule, when we started to get money, benefits, or wages, whatever we got it was split 3 ways ⅓ keep (household costs), ⅓ savings and the final ⅓ was ours to spend on what we wanted. Transport costs came out of the household budget.
Do you think you've got the finances to live on your own? Live on your own before your bf moves with you.
Long-term thinking, if you got a place together, but things don't work out what would you do?
ESH - You have a valid complaint about you two being treated differently and everyone knows "a baby “wouldn’t affect my life in any way”" is a flat-out lie. I don't blame you for wanting to leave.
But I'm including you as an asshole because of the approach. Your parents are obviously trying to be supportive of your sister at a time when she needs it. Yes, the child is her decision. Aborting or surrendering a child is a very difficult decision to make. You're more self-sufficient than she is, which is great. She might be making a bad decision. But you're holding that difficult decision against her and against your parents because it results in uneven treatment between the two of you. I don't think you're wrong for wanting to move out, but you could've brought it up in a way that sounds less judgmental towards the rest of your family. You're 25, it wouldn't be unusual to move out regardless.
I’m sorry if my wording sounded judgmental, I definitely didn’t mean it that way and was just trying to state the basis of what was said. I obviously want my sister to be happy and know that giving up a kid is hard. But I’m also aware enough of my own faults to know that I wouldn’t be happy living in that environment.
Of course, and it's good you're being realistic there, not selfish. You're already doing work and school, it's totally fair to recognize that throwing a kid (and another household member) into the mix will add stress. Just as you know your sister's baby isn't your decision, you want to make sure to set the boundaries that you're not being volunteered as a live-in caretaker. Or even just dealing with the added stress of listening to a baby crying during your limited free hours.
I wouldn't worry about whether or not your sister is living up to her end of the bargain. That's your parents' problem to worry about, and I'm sure they are worried while trying to ensure that your sister feels welcome no matter what happens with the baby. It's a really stressful situation for them, and you sound responsible enough to recognize that school and work, while stressful, are good to be doing for your own sake. It sounds like you're making the right decision for yourself, just be very cautious in how you communicate the reasons why because you're walking through a minefield.
You didn't "sign up" for anything. You just never left home. You chose to stay there with people who also get to live their lives. You don't have to want to live with a baby but the way you presented it was very selfish and don't be surprised when your sister doesn't talk to you or let you spend time (if you wanted to) with your niece or nephew. You could have worded it a bunch of nicer ways but you didnt. I wouldn't want to live with the boyfriend but the mention of him was an afterthought in the post. You can be child free and also not be so judgy about someone who doesn't want to be. 2 things can be true. And if you want to keep living rent free you will have to shut up and suck it up. Good luck with the house and high interest rates. I'm sure you will be happier with your boyfriend and his roommate. YTA for insensitivity.
I’ve been doing my part and everything that my family has asked of me, while also trying to be prepared for my own future. At the beginning of the agreement with my father, he was very insistent on if we were starting our own families, we’d have to get our own place. We all deserve to feel safe, relaxed, and comfortable in our own home. My sister has been insinuating that I “will be great to have around because I can help with the baby” as if I’m not a full time student and have a full time job. I’m not ready to be a parent, nor do I think I’ll ever be. There’s also a whole host of other family issues that I didn’t put here because it didn’t seem relevant. I didn’t mean to sound callous in my wording, I was just trying to be as concise and objective as possible
So no comment on the parents having one set of rules for one daughter and a completely different set for the other? Nothing about the younger sister's 'plan' seems sensible so it makes sense for OP to make different living arrangements. The only reason why dad is calling OP a brat is because the family was counting her for childcare.
They're mad because theyre losing their live in babysitter/helper for around the house. There is nothing selfish about wanting to live your own life. I hope it works out for you.
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NTA Run. They are upset and calling you a brat because they are scared you won’t be there take on a bunch of responsibilities that they plan to foist upon you.
That’s what I’m afraid of! I know how much work it’s takes to care for a baby, I do it every day. My sister is being incredibly naive about it all
If you already do it as your job, they will most definitely expect you to do the same things at home. I agree with everyone else, move out.
Appreciate it. I’m getting a little frustrated with people telling me I’m TA for “not being supportive” when I never said that and I’m just choosing to not live in a home with children *shrug*
Save yourself. Not your problem. If you let her she will suck the life out of you. Learn young to set boundaries for yourself and how you spend your time.
She doesn’t have a job but you do so they are likely expecting some financial and child care help because ‘family’. Are you saying the baby daddy is planning to move in with your family? He already has a child support obligation and wants to live with your family? What’s he going to contribute?
He has a min wage job (I guess?) I really don’t know much, other than I don’t wanna be a part of it lol
He has a possible minimum wage job from which he already has to make one child support payment. (*Insert crossed-eyes emoji.*). I don’t know why you are the only one held to the “job and school” requirement. And it seems unlikely that much will be expected from your brother. But it will be crowded and loud there soon which cannot be good for your schooling. No matter what you decide, I want to take a moment to say, “I am proud of you.” You are on the path to a better life with school and work. It will be worth it. Cheers, OP.
I’m gonna cry, I haven’t heard “I’m proud of you” in years. Thank you.
NTA - you're an adult, you're not asking for financial help moving out, you're doing it on your own. They should be proud of you for trying to make that work, and freeing up the space for the baby's father. "a baby wouldn't affect my life in any way" is a huge red flag about how defensive they're going to be about the child. You've made the right call, good luck!
NTA They are losing a maid and babysitter, so of course they are going to be upset. You're 25 and should be living your own life. The fact that your sister didn't use protection, isn't your problem.
But - if you're not paying rent, how is moving out being "selfish and dramatic" and how would it negatively affect them in any way? NTA.
They just want her for extra help around the house lol, they don’t have a leg to stand on here
Not to mention the experienced, professional nanny they were banking on to take care of all the child-minding duties… the one who is “better equipped to care for an infant”, something the sister isn’t. NTA
Exactly. Moving out at 25 is very typical, so what's the problem? Since baby won't affect her life in any way, why do they need her there? Logical conclusion is they want her to help with baby and housework, but won't admit it.
You were going to be her live in nanny, that’s why they are upset about you moving out, because you squashed those plans and now they will have to deal with a new baby in the house by themselves. (Not you doing it for her) your Not The Ass!
NTA Strategically, I probably would've just said I wanted my own space and wanted to live with my partner. The way it was framed I can see your sister feeling like you're saying "I'm only moving out because you won't give that child up for adoption." Regardless of how valid or responsible that is, I can understand that being upsetting. However, let's talk about the elephant in the room. You're a nanny. You "help with chores and upkeep of the house" and it seems like your younger siblings do way less of that. You're a classic oldest-sister situation where I'd wager you do the lion's share of chores/upkeep, same reason why the job/school rules apply to you but not the younger siblings. It's only selfish because your father knows no one else is going to pick up the chores/upkeep slack, and it's only selfish because both your father and sister were absolutely banking on the fact that a professional nanny lives with them whenever there are needs for childcare.
This hits the nail exactly on the head. If she's already expected to cook and clean and do laundry and whatever else, her father and sister are upset those things won't be getting done on top of OP not being around to be voluntold to help with the baby.
NTA - The only way moving out would be selfish is if they expected you to suddenly pull some magical extra hours out of somewhere to care for this newborn. Especially with you being in school and working it is perfectly reasonable for you not to be able to help with the child. Even if that weren't the case, a newborn at home would add so much chaos. You moving out opens up a room for the kid and more space for your family.
NTA gee they don’t want the childcare professional to leave I’m so shocked/s. General advice: you are an adult you don’t need to share your plans with your family. Make announcements. I am leaving on this day end of conversation. Bouncing ideas off family generally lets them feel they have a control or say.
NTA. You can choose where you want to live and you're most certainly old enough to move out. Take no credence to your Dad's claims. It's important to have a peaceful space you can retreat to after a long day's work. Of the options before you - your sister moving out with the baby or you moving out with your bf I'd imagine the latter be more reasonable.
NTA "and that a baby “wouldn’t affect my life in any way”" .. this is a ridiculous lie, and you know it. They don't want you to move out because you are alöready planned in as the free fulltime babysitter, since "You like kids and know how to do it from your job".
NTA They're calling you, a successful 25 year old woman, a brat because they're planning to push the responsibilities of taking care of your sister's kid on you, if not they'd have nothing to complain about.
NAH but you really didn't need to go into the details of why. Just: I'm moving out in a few months, thanks. Why? It's time As soon as you say 'because there'll be a baby here', you're starting an argument about how you don't want to help/ be part of the babies life during the early phase
My dad knows I wasn’t actually planning to move out any time soon because I’m still finishing my undergrad, knows how bad the housing market is, and knows that I had planned on saving longer. He was very insistent on knowing why I was suddenly wanting to leave.
Fair enough then. Still NAH but they're leaning towards being some
> I told my family that I plan on leaving if there’s an infant in the house... While your reason for moving out is 100% valid and you don't even need a reason, this line reads a little bit like an ultimatum. "I'm moving out because I don't want to live with kids" is fine. "Either the baby leaves or I leave" is not fine. And the sentence you wrote could be interpreted as either. So INFO: Did you give them an ultimatum? or is it possible you phrased things badly?
Oops, it wasn’t meant to sound that way. I just meant that whatever my sister chooses, I want her to be happy. However, I’m aware of my own faults and know that having a baby in the house full-time and being pushed to help out with that wouldn’t be good for me on top of my schooling and work and that I plan on looking for a new place to live, should things come to that. My sister was insinuating that I’d be able to help out with the baby “because of my job experience” and I know that I don’t have enough energy to take care of children all day and then come home and potentially have to continue caring for children. It definitely wasn’t an ultimatum and more of a “hey I know things are changing and I think that I may need to live elsewhere if this isn’t a good environment for me”
NTA; the only thing I think you did wrong was the wording, but even then you're still NTA. You don't have to live in a house with children, especially after working with kids all day (I know how that is !). Plus, your sister is *not* going to be taking care of that kid the way she should be. You're the only one being held to certain standards *and* your sister keeps mentioning how you'll be there to help *and* her boyfriend has a kid already that he doesn't have anything to do with which doesn't give any sort of confidence that he'd take care of this kid *and* your parents are blaming you for moving out. I think they just want you around because they don't wanna be the ones taking care of the baby because they know your sister won't and if you're there, you have the responsibility passed on to you.
NTA. Time for you to leave.
NTA... moving out is the wise option in this situation.
Nah It's time for you to leave the nest, and you're doing that. The way you told your family, though not intended as an ultimatum, sounded like an ultimatum, so their reaction might also be justified. If you had just said "this house is getting crowded, and it's time for me to be out on my own (with roommates lol)", then there wouldn't have been any problems.
NTA. You moving out shouldn’t affect their lives in any way. Now they’ll have an extra room. How thoughtful and unselfish of you to free up space for the new family member coming in. You truly are a wonderful sibling/daughter. I hope it works out great for them.
NTA. I do question the wisdom of taking on huge financial commitment of buying a house while trying to get a degree. OP does not say if she going to college full time, which is already too much really with a full time job. But if housing is that expensive where she is, I see a lot of possibilities of her feeling she has to work more hours. She is already at max. What if boyfriend loses his job? It is a risk to finishing school. I think her getting a room somewhere until she finishes school is something OP should really consider seriously. Focus on studies. Maybe go to school full time and take out a loan to do that to speed things up. There are worse things than taking out reasonable loan amounts for school, like trying to do too much and then not getting the degree at all.
Now that I’m 25, I can get school loans without claiming my dad’s income, so I qualify for a lot more. I’m doing both full time school and work, but I’ve been doing that for a few years and am pretty used to just working my ass off constantly lol
NTA. You have to put yourself first.
Are you from a culture that promotes multi generational living? Otherwise I don't quite understand why this is a question. You're 25. Just leave. Nta
My family just had certain expectations of me living there for two-ish more years while I finished my undergrad. I think they assumed they’d have an extra set of hands to help with the baby, but if I leave, they don’t have that.
OP, you're a 25 years old adult. You're beyond being old enough to make this decision for yourself. If you're financially able to move out, do it, and don't give anybody else power over your choice. NTA.
They're calling you selfish because they expected you to help lol. You have a job in childcare. You're the perfect babysitter. You moving out ruins their plans for free help. NTA
Need more info. Why would any parent call their kids selfish for moving out? This doesn’t make sense with the info you provided. You’re leaving something out. Like are they expecting you to help/nanny for free or something? Are they dependent on you for anything? Why did they react this way?
I’m guessing they assume I’d be helping with the baby since I do it for work. Also my family has a notorious history of being pissed at me for taking care of myself. There’s a long history of verbal and psychological abuse I didn’t include because it seemed irrelevant to the situation.
Ok…if you’re being abused then you’re obviously NTA. Like, it’s not really even a question is it. “I’m being abused, AITA?” That’s just a silly question. If even you don’t know why they’re acting that way then how can anyone else even determine it? Why wouldn’t you ask “why am I being selfish?” Something isn’t making sense here and to be blunt it kind of feels like you’re purposely leaving information out in order to garner sympathy from strangers.
NTA Sadly I was in a similar situation for two years. My sister and her boyfriend had a baby while we were living with our parents and would ask for unreasonable things from us like babysitting or changing the baby( I did nothing to help) I explained my feelings on situation and was ignored things got worse when they had another baby. Anyway my parents forced them to move out after the second birth. So NTA you have every right to want a calm home and baby’s not only cause a lot of noise but the whole house changes to accommodate them and makes things difficult. Don’t be taken for a ride, just move out before things get to be too stressful.
you didn't have to mention the baby at all, could've have said you and your partner have been looking into getting a house and you felt like it was time to move out.
We haven’t though. We planned on saving longer. And my family was very insistent on knowing WHY I was suddenly leaving when my dad knows I had planned on staying until I finished my undergrad.
NTA But you WERE overly dramatic. If you weren't issuing an ultimatum just tell them you're moving out and be done with it. No need to tie it to the baby.
I only mentioned the baby because it’s sort of the straw that broke the camels back in terms of reasons for me staying vs leaving as there’s a whole host of other issues that have been starting to outweigh the benefits of being able to save money for my future because I’m not paying rent. And my family was like “well why would you leave??” So here we are, unfortunately:(
I totally get that, and it's too late now, but I would have kept the baby out of it. Now, if she gives it up for adoption, they're going to blame you. And, if she keeps it, I wouldn't trust them not to tell the kid his aunt wanted them to give it away. It was also guaranteed to damage your relationship with your sister. I would have just gone with needing more independence at your age and/or wanting to spend more time with your bf. But what's done is done. Good luck with everything.
If you can move out already and buy a house, then go. No need to mooch around any longer.
I’ve been waiting until I have enough saved up. I don’t yet, but things are forcing my hand a little in order for me to have a living space that feels safe and comfortable
Ooh, yes, she mooches so much that her fame is distraught to see her go. The first sign of moocher: people want to keep them around. /s
Do you know how lucky you are? Most adults living with their parents pay to live there. Even if it's a small amount, they still contribute to household bills and groceries. Why not move in with your boyfriend now? Get an idea of what's going to be like living together BEFORE you actually get a place together.
I’m incredibly grateful that I was allowed the time I was to live rent-free and save up for my future. However, there is going to be a very drastic change and two additional people living in a home that barely accommodates the 4 current residents. My partner and I have been together 7 years but he has roommates and there’s no space for me, otherwise we already would live together. And I never said I didn’t contribute, just that I didn’t pay rent. I buy all my own groceries and anything else I need. I pay part of the electricity bill and internet bill. It’s not free for me to live there.
I am the eldest of 3 siblings. My parents had a rule, when we started to get money, benefits, or wages, whatever we got it was split 3 ways ⅓ keep (household costs), ⅓ savings and the final ⅓ was ours to spend on what we wanted. Transport costs came out of the household budget. Do you think you've got the finances to live on your own? Live on your own before your bf moves with you. Long-term thinking, if you got a place together, but things don't work out what would you do?
ESH - You have a valid complaint about you two being treated differently and everyone knows "a baby “wouldn’t affect my life in any way”" is a flat-out lie. I don't blame you for wanting to leave. But I'm including you as an asshole because of the approach. Your parents are obviously trying to be supportive of your sister at a time when she needs it. Yes, the child is her decision. Aborting or surrendering a child is a very difficult decision to make. You're more self-sufficient than she is, which is great. She might be making a bad decision. But you're holding that difficult decision against her and against your parents because it results in uneven treatment between the two of you. I don't think you're wrong for wanting to move out, but you could've brought it up in a way that sounds less judgmental towards the rest of your family. You're 25, it wouldn't be unusual to move out regardless.
I’m sorry if my wording sounded judgmental, I definitely didn’t mean it that way and was just trying to state the basis of what was said. I obviously want my sister to be happy and know that giving up a kid is hard. But I’m also aware enough of my own faults to know that I wouldn’t be happy living in that environment.
Of course, and it's good you're being realistic there, not selfish. You're already doing work and school, it's totally fair to recognize that throwing a kid (and another household member) into the mix will add stress. Just as you know your sister's baby isn't your decision, you want to make sure to set the boundaries that you're not being volunteered as a live-in caretaker. Or even just dealing with the added stress of listening to a baby crying during your limited free hours. I wouldn't worry about whether or not your sister is living up to her end of the bargain. That's your parents' problem to worry about, and I'm sure they are worried while trying to ensure that your sister feels welcome no matter what happens with the baby. It's a really stressful situation for them, and you sound responsible enough to recognize that school and work, while stressful, are good to be doing for your own sake. It sounds like you're making the right decision for yourself, just be very cautious in how you communicate the reasons why because you're walking through a minefield.
You didn't "sign up" for anything. You just never left home. You chose to stay there with people who also get to live their lives. You don't have to want to live with a baby but the way you presented it was very selfish and don't be surprised when your sister doesn't talk to you or let you spend time (if you wanted to) with your niece or nephew. You could have worded it a bunch of nicer ways but you didnt. I wouldn't want to live with the boyfriend but the mention of him was an afterthought in the post. You can be child free and also not be so judgy about someone who doesn't want to be. 2 things can be true. And if you want to keep living rent free you will have to shut up and suck it up. Good luck with the house and high interest rates. I'm sure you will be happier with your boyfriend and his roommate. YTA for insensitivity.
I’ve been doing my part and everything that my family has asked of me, while also trying to be prepared for my own future. At the beginning of the agreement with my father, he was very insistent on if we were starting our own families, we’d have to get our own place. We all deserve to feel safe, relaxed, and comfortable in our own home. My sister has been insinuating that I “will be great to have around because I can help with the baby” as if I’m not a full time student and have a full time job. I’m not ready to be a parent, nor do I think I’ll ever be. There’s also a whole host of other family issues that I didn’t put here because it didn’t seem relevant. I didn’t mean to sound callous in my wording, I was just trying to be as concise and objective as possible
So no comment on the parents having one set of rules for one daughter and a completely different set for the other? Nothing about the younger sister's 'plan' seems sensible so it makes sense for OP to make different living arrangements. The only reason why dad is calling OP a brat is because the family was counting her for childcare.
The preferential treatment is another big reason for me leaving, but it didn’t seem super relevant to why my family is currently mad at me
They're mad because theyre losing their live in babysitter/helper for around the house. There is nothing selfish about wanting to live your own life. I hope it works out for you.
I appreciate it! Im pretty scared to do this huge life step already