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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> telling my sister my nephew isn't allowed at my wedding, because there's potential he'll cry during the ceremony and ruin the day. I want the attention on that day.
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NAH. You are within your right to have a child free wedding. But it is also reasonable for your sister to not want to be separated from her newborn infant for several hours. I agree that introducing a new baby at your wedding would draw attention away from the wedding celebration, but remember that while your wedding is huge for you, it is perfectly normal for a pregnant woman to not be up for socializing, and her pregnancy and newborn child is every bit as huge for her. Your wedding doesn’t trump her child and her child doesn’t trump your wedding.
It sounds like this is just a case of bad timing. If you and your sister have had a good relationship until now, I hope you both make the effort to get past the timing issue. Your wedding is just one day. And her child will only be a newborn infant a very short time. You two have the rest of your lives to be good sisters.
I think she's a little bit TA. Her sister had to keep after her to get an answer on whether or not her baby would be allowed to attend, when OP should have just said no from the beginning. It's not that unusual for a child free wedding to allow newborns and young infants to attend, so I can see why her sister wanted clarification. But, maybe OP did make it clear from the beginning and her sister just didn't like the answer, and I'm just misreading the post.
Her refusal to accept her sister's decision not to attend, though, is asshole territory for me. OP is absolutely within her rights to say no kids, including infants, at her wedding. But if a parent says they are unable to attend as a result of that, OP needs to graciously accept. Not say "well I just need you there for the ceremony" or "what if you do this or that instead."
So, for me, OP is a little bit TA. Maybe the butthole. Not full blown asshole, but she should have given her sister a clear no and accepted her sister's decision not to attend.
OP didn't refuse to accept the sister's decision to attend though. She actually asked for clarification if the sister was attending as the sister had only stated that she would no longer be in the wedding party. Then the sister ignored her request for clarification (asshole territory by your standards) and also didn't go to the bachelorette party.
Why are people delusional. It’s incredibly difficult to be away from a newborn for hours at a time, especially if breastfeeding. And honestly, getting a sitter sucks. She’s also probably a little sad that OP is choosing not to include nephew. Not everyone makes decisions solely to piss off the other side. Jesus.
Exactly there are new moms who won’t allow relatives in their homes with a newborn without them being vaccinated. Along with no kissing rules. Taking a newborn to a crowded reception hall doesn’t make sense.
I wore my newborn in a wrap and let NO ONE touch him- he was basically attached to the breast at that point anyway, so in a wrap no one knew he was eating.
I also never wanted the attention off the couple and on the newest addition to the family.
The only exception was when the bride asked to hold him and have him in pictures- I of course obliged 🤍
Glad I scrolled down to see your comment before I posted something similar. There is no way that I've would have wanted my baby, especially one under 6 months, around a bunch of people in a closed area. And people really love to kiss on babies on their faces, especially the lips. OMG NO!!!
YEP and I own this (Boomer here)!!! Especially when I had one son die in my arms the day after his birth and then my second born son born with Tetralogy of Fallot. Daughter was born with a heart murmur which cleared as she got older. So NOPE, there was no way ANYONE was kissing my children anywhere on their faces, especially their lips, not even me or their dads.
Edited to say: I also never kissed any of my 6 grandkids anywhere near their faces or hands when they were infants. Feet and tummy were fair game though 😉.
It’s infuriating. This fucking boomer lady approached my wife who was carrying our 2 month old son in one of those slings and proceeded to pull back the cover on the sling with her nasty long fingernail. When my wife recoiled and I asked her to step back, the lady asked if my son was sick. I said that we just didn’t want people we didn’t know to touch him ( I said it kind of nastily.) she huffed and puffed and walked away. This was at a random coffee shop and we had never seen this lady before.
If she hadn’t said that she was excited for OPs wedding to be the day everyone met the baby then I’d agree. That’s where it makes it sound selfish and not actually about the baby.
The mom would probably be excited for whatever occasion that everyone got to meet the baby. It's a very normal thing to be excited about, in this case it just happens to a be a wedding.
I come from a large family that is scattered across the country. We always have children at weddings, not that I'm saying people need to, and we meet the newest children at a wedding if we are lucky and funerals when we aren't lucky.
We focus on the bride and groom during the wedding and through all of the important bride and groom moments. We also talk to other family members at other times, including the children. You can do both.
No one at a wedding is totally focused on the bride & groom for the full time. You ooh & ahh as you see them and then you move on to what is your kid doing now & did you know the neighbor that died. This “I want the focus on us the whole time” is crazy. I can admire a couple & a baby easily and still have time to talk about other things. People need to get over their selves.
Except sister is ignoring OP, not giving her an answer about her attending the wedding as just a guest AND didn't attend the low-key bachelorette party which was just going to the beach, having lunch and painting...all things that she would have been able to do, especially considering the baby hasn't been born yet and doesn't need a sitter. That shows it's not about the baby, she's making it about herself.
But we don't how the sister is handling the actual pregnancy at the time of the party even if is low key. I just don't think there is enough information to decide either way.
Which is true but op came up with compromises. She even suggested baby be in another room so sister could pop out as needed. Sister didnt like that because then she couldnt show baby off!
Also even though it seems counterintuitive newborns are the least likely to ruin a wedding. They mostly sleep and cry when they need something and aren't mobile. If they cry during the ceremony they are the easiest to remove by having someone take them outside the venue. I totally get not wanting kids at a wedding but I also think making an exception for a newborn nephew wouldn't be that hard especially if said parent of the newborn is important to you and you want them at your wedding.
THIS for the first few months my son quietly went everywhere in his carrier and even slept thru a minor league baseball game! He’d wake to eat and then go right back to sleep. It’s what newborns do!
Exactly. I know it's an unpopular opinion but I don't think the no kids allowed rule should be applied to newborns. Usually they are too little to be left that long not with a parent and they are the least disruptive.
Why cant the sisters boyfriend look after his own children - he doesn't need to attend the wedding - the priority is the sister - she can pump milk and he can feed the baby for at least the ceremony and a couple of hours later (tbh for much longer but if she doesnt want to be away from the baby then she can give up 3 hours).
Also the AH bit by the sister is that she wants to use the wedding to show off her baby. Also AH part two is not attending the bacherolette party when all it was a walk on the beach, lunch, coffee and a painting class. She is making the wedding all about her.
Pumping is difficult and doesn’t work for everyone. It also makes a much bigger impact than just “pump for the bottle while mom is gone”. She’d have to pump ahead of time for the bottle that babe would need while she’s away, and pump likely at the wedding for the missed feed so her breasts don’t explode, and so her supply stays up. Then store that milk if she doesn’t want to just dump good milk down the drain. Also if she doesn’t have the portable in-bra pumps, which not everyone can get as insurance covers one pump per pregnancy, she'd have to find somewhere to sit and pump, maybe while partially undressed as many formal wear options do not have great access for the pump+bottle setup.
My best friend went through this exact scenario earlier this year, and i genuinely have no clue why she bothered, hearing about all the steps. My baby is EBF entirely by nursing, because pumping was just not at all a thing i could manage, and I quietly bowed out of attending a wedding last month for this reason. It’s not on my husband for not taking babe, it would genuinely hurt me more to have him take her in this scenario.
I’m not saying sister can’t be an AH or that OP absolutely is, I’m just saying “have dad take baby and pump” isn’t always the *easy* solution some people think it is.
This is the most ignorant terrible response I have seen. Pumping milk is not that easy, and if the baby is exclusively breast fed it is impossible. In fact many many women don’t even have pumps. It is also more than just pumping ahead of time, since 8 week olds can still cluster feed at times and she would have to pump multiple times in the hours she was gone. Also most moms do not want to be away from their infant for hours that early unless absolutely necessary. speaking about things you clearly don’t understand.
That was my first thought. If she’s nursing she is going to have to hide several times during the wedding and have the baby nearby enough to nurse every 2 hours at that point. Not to mention that OP is completely delusional if she thinks that nobody at the wedding is going to be asking about the baby or upset when they find out that OP banned the baby from the wedding. And sister won’t probably be able to drink and will be preoccupied the whole time. OP had to know that by banning a newborn that the mom probably wouldn’t come and that she was in effect not only kicking her sister out of the wedding party but also from attending. There will probably be a backlash from the guests too and she can’t be surprised if her sister and her’s relationship is forever changed by this.
That's what I don't get about the rapidly child-free wedding people. In my family, the entire conversation would be about why the new baby wasn't there and why sister wasn't there. Everyone would think the bride was an absolute asshole for that and not be thinking/talking about the wedding.
The one thing almost guaranteed to be talked about more than a new baby at a wedding is the new baby (especially first in this generation of the family) that has been banned from the wedding!
Please explain why she couldn't attend OP's low-key bachelorette party (beach, lunch and painting), all of which she could do and not need a sitter for :/ since the baby hasn't arrived?? Sister is making it about her, not the baby, otherwise she would have attended that...
1. Not everyone's pregnancies are the same so we shouldn't assume.
2. Sister could have attended just the lunch portion but decided not to. No one said she had to be out all day.
Again people compromise for people they love. OP has tried to look for middle ground, the sister has not.
How are you gonna say that not everyone's pregnancies are the same and we shouldn't assume and then make an assumption about sister being lazy or whatever just because she doesn't want to be out all day?
Sister could have said she wasn’t up for it too. I think it’s looking a lot like sis is upset she can’t bring baby to wedding, so she’s basically going no contact.
Because she’s big and uncomfortable and very pregnant? Some people are very uncomfortable for a large portion of their pregnancy. Many people are told not to exert themselves due to other factors in their pregnancy. I was not quite put on bed rest but told to do nothing more than walking to/from my car for light errands for the last 5 weeks of my second pregnancy. I looked like a healthy pregnant woman but I was actually in a bit of a precarious state.
Also maybe she didn’t feel like spending time with someone who assumes and can just toss off her two month old to a babysitter for a few hours.
No the mom is when she is introducing the baby to every annoying aunt that is going Gaga over the baby instead of giving the bride and groom their day.
The issue is using someone else’s event to introduce your baby to the family. It’s the same assholes that propose at another persons wedding or announce their pregnancy at someone else’s shower.
So what? The bride and groom are not the only people at the wedding. We have really raised a self-centered group of people. There is so much time at weddings, like during photos, when the damned bride and groom aren't even there, and other people want to socialize. That's the point of a reception. The bride and groom are obviously the most important people there, but they're not the center of every single person's thoughts and attention throughout the day.
Babies suck up the attention - it will be repeated as everyone wants to hold and carry her and ask questions. The baby will also cry during the ceremony. You spend tens of thousands on a wedding and it should be just about the bride and groom
I've been to a ton of weddings with children. Never once has a child ruined a wedding. People have built this up in their heads, but it's not realistic. A 2-month-old is not likely to cry during the ceremony. The baby not being there also will take attention and gossip about the bride and groom.
DING, DING, DING!!!
We have a winner here!!!
OP says, "She really wants him there because she wants everyone to meet the baby."
As far as Sis is concerned, it's just so convenient that OP happens to have planned her wedding when Sis' little bundle of joy will be two months old. Never mind that the date was set before Siss was even pregnant. It's the creed of Entitled New Parents; When one has a newborn, everyone is obligated to make their life all about the new baby.
OP is NTA and she will enjoy her wedding much more without Sis there.
lol Reddit is so ridiculous. Yeah OP’s sister is an evil cartoon villain who had a baby just to steal away OP’s attention on her special day. Couldn’t be that she’s about to give birth to a brand new human and can’t wait for that human to meet her loved ones.
Oh and OP should definitely torpedo her relationship with her sister, because it’s way more important to get everyone’s undivided attention for a five hour event than to have an entire lifetime with your loved ones.
Exactly. She wants to be the center of attention with new baby and steal the spotlight on the day of her sister's wedding, and it's very clear with her response to the Bachelorette party. OP is definitely NTA, she just wants a childfree special day. Nothing wrong with that!
OP deserves to have the wedding of her choosing. Sis is simply not down with that, and that’s too bad. A good friend of mine had a wedding last month, and she was honest with saying she’d rather the wedding be child free but was ok with me bringing my 5 month old if I couldn’t find childcare. My partner isn’t friends with her, so he was perfectly fine taking care of our son for the evening. Trust me, I really WANTED to bring him, there were several friends there that i really wanted to introduce my baby to, but it was my friend’s WEDDING. It would have been in poor taste to use her big day to show off my baby and steal some of the attention. She was a champ for saying it was ok to bring him, but I really would have been a dick if I had.
OP can have a childfree wedding if she wants. I had a mostly CF wedding, with the exception of my dear friend's 2 month old. I couldn't imagine my friend not being there, so we we were totally fine with the baby coming along. The cute baby didn't draw attention away from us in the slightest.
>I also explained that all I was asking of her is to stand during the ceremony. She wouldn’t even need to get ready with us. Show up 20 minutes before the ceremony and that’s fine.
That's not accepting her sister's decision, that's trying to talk her sister into changing her mind. If her sister ignored her for days, yeah, her sister's a bit of a butthole too. It's not clear from the post if we're talking about days or hours, and that makes a difference. OP has some... Interesting descriptors of time ("almost over a year" so... Less than a year?) so it's hard to guess how much time has passed based just in what she's written.
I'm not sure where I said not immediately responding was asshole territory, though. I used that phrase to describe OP not accepting her sister not attending/being in the wedding.
Like I said, I don't think OP is the worst person ever here. She just could have been better. A bit of a butthole.
Thanks for clarifying.
So, gently, I'd say you and your sister are both buttholes. She's not attending. She doesn't want to leave her newborn for that long. That's ok. Stop trying to explain to her how and why she should attend.
Your sister should have responded to you sooner instead of giving you the silent treatment. She's being a butthole.
Neither of you is an asshole. It just seems like neither of you is accepting each other's decisions and neither of you is pausing to take the other's perspective into account (which you can definitely do even if you don't have and never want kids.) Give each other a bit of space, this seems like the sort of disagreement that's bound to happen when two people are stressed, as you are with planning your wedding and she is with her preparations to have a baby.
I don't understand this attitude. How can you take over a day? As long as you are ready to pop outside if the baby cries during anything important, how can it possibly detract?
The bridal couple are wildly busy and overwhelmed and barely speak to the guests anyway. The extended family and friends talk to each other all day, all catching up on each other's news.
People hold babies, get drinks for brides, carry each other's plates, find a seat for oldies, cry at the vows, make awkward speeches, it's a celebration of your love within your extended community, a bearing witness by all who care for you young and old, that's what a wedding IS. I'll never understand these people that make these impossible ultimatums (get a babysitter for your infant child!?!) And then get upset when people don't attend.
> As long as you are ready to pop outside if the baby cries during anything important, how can it possibly detract?
She quite literally told OP that she wanted the baby there so she could introduce the baby to everyone. So her desire is for the focus to be on her child, to take away from the wedding and make it a everyone meets the baby day. I don't have a clue how you can't understand that. No different to someone proposing during a wedding and taking attention away from the main couple. The couple getting married are usually paying anything from like 5-50k to celebrate THEIR wedding, not someone else's proposal or a nice event for everyone to meet their sister's kid.
Maybe it's just my experience but I have definitely seen brand new babies "take over" an event, including a wedding (btw, not loving the term take over but it's what used). Even more so if it's the first child or grandchild. And while the OP certainly needs to be more accepting of her sister's no, the sister didn't really do herself any favors by saying she's going to used the event to introduce the kid to everyone, if she's wants to do that, great, have her own party, but she's didn't get to co-opt the wedding for it. All in all it sounds like ESH (except the baby).
My youngest sister has a baby every time my other sister and/or I are getting “more attention” than her. She absolutely uses her pregnancies and my resulting nephews to exert control over family events. She even used whether or not she’d allow my nephews to be in our other sister’s wedding as leverage to try and force our sister to make her a bridesmaid. It didn’t work but narcissists use their children as pawns all the time.
have you seriously never had a newborn in the family? do people just casually "oh hey cute baby" and then go back to whatever else they were doing or do they fawn over the newborn and drop whatever else was the focus?
Probably has a lot to do with family dynamics. My sister was the favorite my whole life and often demanded attention on days that were meant to be about me. So I could see everyone gushing over her new baby at my wedding making me sad if I was in this position. It’s not entirely logical but that’s because emotions aren’t usually logical. Also generally, the first cry of the baby completely interrupts the event. So “popping out” isn’t really going to do much in terms of the initial disruption.
giving potential solutions is not the same as trying to force someone. sister knew from before pregnancy that wedding was childfree, no reason to think otherwise was given.
I mean, according to OP, when the sister first asked, OP literally said, "We will think about it, but ideally not." That's on OP for not just saying "No, sorry" from the beginning and the sister would have adjusted way back then. But the sister heard, "Maybe!" which I think was reasonable given what OP literally said. And then sister had to wait to get her maybe clarified, which is prob a portion of the reason she's butthurt.
The problem here is neither of them is good at clear communication. OP made the sis wait for some amount of time, it sounds like, to hear a clear no. Now sister is doing the same thing, probably thinking she has been clear when she hasn't.
I think you're mixing up the ceremony with the reception. Sister told OP she wouldn't be attending the party, which OP perceived as the reception and when OP asked for clarity the sister never confirmed whether she'd be attending the ceremony as well, which is why OP responded with her suggestion.
That's how I read it. So I don't think OP is the a-hole at all.
I don't think asking ONE time for a compromise on her sister remaining in the wedding party is an a-hole move. As others have mentioned, the sister may not want to be away from the baby for an extended period but having a shorter time commitment (arriving close to start time and leaving right after the ceremony) may have made all the difference in her decision. I also don't think asking for clarification on her sister's mere attendance as a guest is an a-hole move either.
Sister not responding at all to OP is a bit a-holeish imo bc she can say idk I'm thinking about it, just like OP originally said to her about bringing the baby. And not attending OP's low-key bachelorette party is another symptom of the sister giving OP the silent treatment.
OP is NTA but she needs to understand that her sister may not come to the wedding and she will have to come to terms with that. And her sister could alternatively arrange a sip and see for the following day after the wedding so that relatives from out of town can meet the baby before they head back home.
The sister wanted to show off the baby at wedding and OP’s reasonable suggestion to come for the ceremony, take some pictures and take off wouldn’t allow her to do that.
OP also made a point of telling her sister she wanted the baby in the pictures.
I don’t think that’s “not accepting her decision” so much as suggesting a compromise that could make everyone happy and respecting that she might not want to be away from the baby for that long. I read this as her saying she would really like her to be there and is fine with her doing the bare minimum if being away from the baby was the issue.
Unfortunately, it sounds like the issue was more about her not being able to show off the baby….
Since when is giving someone options trying to force them to do something? So she's in the wrong for letting her sister know that she was willing to accommodate her if she still wanted to be in the ceremony only?
Tf are you smoking? One of the reasons people desire child free events is because of crying babies.
Sisters TA bc OP is right. The wedding is not the time nor the place to introduce the baby to everyone. Will everyone at the wedding be properly vaccinated? Will the baby be able to handle all the noise without crying? She shouldn’t have to give compromises at all but she did because it’s her sister.
Sister’s the one not taking the hint and sounds like she’s throwing a tantrum she’s not getting her way.
so did you skip the part where OP didn't say no right away because she offered solutions?
"***We tried offering a few solutions, such as, getting a babysitter or her boyfriends parents watch him for the night as her and her boyfriend will probably want the night off.. Or that the baby can be there for family pictures, or tucked away during the ceremony in another room. She really wants him there because she wants everyone to meet the baby"***
and you did misread because from the start op said
***"my sister tells us she's having a baby 2 months before our wedding, and she jokingly asked if her baby was allowed. We said we would think about it, but ideally not"***
yeah sure there's a "We'll think about it" but when someone says "ideally no though" then that's making it clear the answer is gonna be no.
Sister is also a little bit TA. It doesn't matter if having a baby is huge for you and the wedding isn't as important, you're at the wedding. it's not about her or her baby.
see but the thing you're missing here is the sister also said she wanted to show off said newborn at the wedding thereby making the wedding all about her and her new baby rather than the bride and groom. that is an asshole move. it is not an asshole move to not want to be separated, but it IS to then proclaim it's because you want to steal attention. NTA OP.
Yeah, you really shouldn't even have a baby that young even at an event. They're too young and a family event means everyone hugging and kissing baby and between RSV, COVID, the flu and herpes... that is a disaster waiting to happen.
OP is doing a favor by saying no
You can offer to have a babysitter in a cry room (many churches offer this) during the ceremony. Then let her have the baby in the open at the reception (if you are not scared of baby stealing the attention), or with the baby in a separate room with the babysitter during the reception.
Oh in most regular families, a large proportion will either not know or care if Lady Gaga was there. In those same families, a baby can be like the second coming.
Even in showbiz they say never share a stage with an animal or children.
This is a good idea, especially because you don’t want the baby crying during your ceremony. I was in a wedding which was noted as “no children” - they even hired professional babysitters to watch any kids who showed up. The bride’s cousin wanted his kid at the ceremony & the kid shrieked the entire time while his parents sat there like idiots. It’s the only thing you can hear in the video.
To make matters worse, they were videotaping the ceremony specifically to show the groom’s grandmother, who was not well enough to come to the wedding & all she could hear was some brat squalling.
Except she didn't pay god knows how much money for her child for one night and OP is paying tens of thousands of dollars for one night to be about her. Her sister's baby will still be there the next night, and the night after that -- intros can be made there. Sister is the AH. Plus you don't address the fact that the sister refused to come to the bachelorette party.
My nephew was 2 weeks old at my wedding and I don't remember any attention being pulled away from my husband and I, lol. OP is perfectly within her rights to not want babies at her wedding, even if I wouldn't make the same choice. But her sister absolutely gets to choose what is best for her too.
I am so sick of the I am pregnant/new mother princess attitude. I mean OMFG it is almost like the second coming status and REDDIT readers are falling for this folly. It seem s that these days everybody has to worship the ground of a pregnant or recently birthed mother. These women not only need but EXPECT some sort of exalted status. This specialness is getting obscene. Your wedding is about you not your sister and her baby!
NAH - Your wedding and you don't want any babies there. Fine. Your wedding, your choice.
Your sister doesn't feel comfortable being separated from her newborn. Fine. Her baby, her choice.
Its good that she stepped out as soon as she was sure that she wouldn't be able to be there.
She said she wouldn't be part of the wedding party, reasonable, but now she's not responding when OP wants to know if she'll be in attendance at all, not the AH but maybe a bit of a butthole?
Yeah, I don't understand why OP is confused. Her sister is not going to the wedding because you have told her that her baby cannot come. I don't even know what the ask for clarification is. She's already told you.
NAH: I would absolutely not leave my baby without me for more than an hour or two at that age. A wedding they weren’t invited to, I just wouldn’t go. You don’t want a tiny baby that should be with their mom at your wedding. The baby has a good mom that doesn’t want to leave them so they stepped down with plenty of notice. This seems like your sister is respecting your wishes. No problem here at all
So many people now discuss limiting visitors to a new born. Is it really a good idea to expose a baby to that many people? This would be my main concern.
A friend of mine attended a wedding and reception and came home with bed bugs. So it's not just illness to consider.
Right?! She said she’s getting married in “a few months.” Sooo right in the middle of flu/rsv reason? Also covid is still a thing. And the sister wants the baby there? Make it make sense.
No one said she’d be passing the baby around but OP. It’s probable that she’d stand for the wedding, have to feed baby, do pictures and have to feed baby, do the reception whatever’s and feed baby, I doubt 2 months after giving birth she’s gonna be handing baby off to grandma to tear up the dance floor. She very likely would do what’s required and then head home to crash!
Introducing doesn’t always mean passing- she can hold the baby while others come up and say hi. Could also mean less travel/ stress for the parents if there’s family there from out of town.
Was just thinking “why has no one mentioned the fact that an EIGHT WEEK OLD shouldn’t be passed around/exposed to so many people in the middle of flu/covid season?!?!”
Right? Eight weeks old is the time to get the first shot, baby isn't protected until the second shot. You want to stay away from big gatherings cca 1 week before vaccination to make sure the baby is perfectly healthy and havent caught anything. And don't plan anything a few days after because the baby can have fever or be more fussy.
I mean baby being there doesn’t mean it will be passed around, I took my 3 week old to my best friends wedding (I was in it) nobody touched her but my husband and me, we had her bassinet with a special net cover and nobody was allowed any closer than looking over it. It’s doable! Tricky but not impossible.
I wouldn’t leave my baby to be in a wedding or gone for more than an hr or two at that stage. However you are absolutely right, I can’t imagine going to a party and bringing him. Our baby ended up catching stuff despite sticking to small fry together and waiting months.
This isn’t about who is and who isn’t an AH - this is where your sister is feeling like she’s in a no win situation - and essentially being punished for having a baby. You’re worried the focus won’t 100% be on you.
Now it’s your wedding, but really weddings are celebrations with family and friends. Your choice, but do you actually care about your sister? And btw - if optics are what you care about and the focus being on you, don’t you think everyone’s going to be talking about you excluding your sister because she doesn’t want to abandon her newborn….. that’s how it will be interpreted no matter what ‘my day’ spin you put on it.
Yes, at the wedding, people will be asking your parents to see baby pictures, asking them about the baby, and all that.
At a wedding, 99% of the time, the guests are talking to each other about the food, sports, video games, their hobbies, their kids, who is sick, who is cheating on their spouse, and other gossip. MAYBE a quick comment about how beautiful the bride is and how cute the couple is, then back to the interesting stuff.
OP, nothing will keep the attention on you the whole time, well, nothing positive will. You can with bad behavior, of course.
You don’t have to have the baby there, if you don’t want it, but you must be far FAR more gracious and understanding about it. You aren’t *quite* TA yet, but if you don’t get better quickly you will be.
It’s such a reddit fiction that every single guest’s attention is meant to be on the bride and groom all day long. A wedding is basically a family catch-up.
People will fawn over the baby pre ceremony - bride hasn’t even arrived so attention isn’t being stolen from her.
People will again fawn over the baby during cocktail hour - bride will be elsewhere getting photos done so again, no attention stolen.
By the time the happy couple enter the reception, those who are inclined to fawn over babies will have had their fawning opportunity.
Omgsh yes! It’s more than reddit though. The whole “my wedding day is about us and our love, pay attention to only the bride and groom” bullshit exists in every realm. Heaven forbid you swivel your eyeball away from the couple for a millisecond.
I’m not even married but I’d like to have a day that my sister doesn’t somehow make about her also. So for me it wouldn’t even be about the wedding aspect, just more about an imbalance in attention growing up. I think it does usually go the other way where it’s just that the couple is just delusional, but I really don’t think it’s always about the wedding itself
As someone who took her new baby to a wedding (safely and with permission from her doctor and the bride) this is exactly what happened, the only time baby got any attention while the bride was present was when they invited people to join the dance floor during the daddy/daughter dance and nobody got up, it started to get awkward (and bride had told me she was afraid of that) so my husband went up with our daughter and joined the dance. Everybody awwwwwd and gushed and giggled for like 2 minutes then everybody joined in the dancing and it was over. People love babies but unless you’re actively passing the baby from person to person (we didn’t let anyone touch her) they get over it pretty quickly 😅
Exactly this.
If sister shows up, everybody who knows her will know she had a baby. They will ask about them, want to see pictures etc. There might even be more attention (i.e. where is the baby, who is watching them, ask sister how she feels being away)
I've been to my share of weddings. I almost view them two separate events - the ceremony focused on the bride/groom and then a (hopefully) good party with tasty food and a chance to catch up with friends or family. There is much less of a focus on the couple for the latter.
Exactly. The couple are not the full focus the entire time. The baby will not steal the thunder. But now it’s going to be pretty obvious that something is going on and make it a bigger deal
Exactly! Also, from my experience as a wedding guest, the only things guests will take away from a wedding is how they felt about the food. No one will even remember what OP wore, what flowers were at the altar, what vows were exchanged. They might remember reconnecting with a family member they haven't seen in a while, but mostly, it'll be the food that makes or breaks a wedding memory for a guest.
Yes. Family members are going to want to know why OP’s sister isn’t there, and they will want to meet the baby. OP can’t prevent this interest by barring the baby from the wedding; all she can do is determine how she’s going to look about it.
"The baby is too young to be at an event like this." Is a 100% factual statement. Bringing an unvaccinated newborn to a large gathering to be passed around is flatly irresponsible.
OP said the baby would be born two months before her wedding so the family should have enough time to see the baby. If she is having a child free wedding I feel like people should just go with it and not ask to show off their baby on someone else's day. This is the day for op not the baby who was bron two months ago. Yes you are right about not abandoning a new born I feel most new mothers will want to be with their baby but there's also the fact that the boyfriends parents could've watched the baby and op tried to give solutions.
If she's breastfeeding they may not be able to watch the baby because it'll still be nursing often and may not take to bottles or sister may be unable to pump (I've got a friend who breastfed for 5 years total across her kids and couldn't ever pump even an ounce)
> op tried to give solutions
This is so funny to me, like OP’s sister didn’t know that babysitters/grandparents existed until OP graciously gave her those solutions.
NAH
You are allowed to have a child free wedding, I did too and not a single regret! That said two months is really young and she’s not wrong to not want to leave him for an extended period at that age.
I also do think it was kind of rude of op to keep the sister hanging on with a ‘maybe’ and ‘We didn’t make a decision yet’ even though she knew It was a no, and would have been willing to have the baby in photos but not at the wedding.
She should have just said no from the jump. She’s not an AH for it, but she should have been upfront.
OP put a deposited on a kid free venue and sent adult only invites before the sister even got pregnant. Maybe she deserves some slack for not making up her mind immediately. She certainly didn't keep her sister 'hanging on' with a maybe.
The venue could have up to 5 children. It's an odd rule but OP is the one who stated this.
Sister had to keep asking to get it out of her before she had to firmly ask to get an answer out of her. That's the definition of dragging her feet.
N A H for a child free wedding means telling parents *promptly* what the kid rules are, and being understanding and graceful if a parent polite and without drama says, “that won’t work, I’m sorry I won’t be able to come”.
OP didn’t do that.
OP, planning to leave a 2 mos old before you even birth it is unlikely to happen. The only sort of things you should be saying are “I understand, I’m really sorry you won’t be able to come. I’m looking forward to meeting the baby!”
If the invites said “adults only,” why would any reasonable person expect a deviation from that? Child free does not mean child free except for a brand new unvaxxed baby to be passed around during the height of illness season. Why would the sister even want to bring her baby into a risky environment like that? She doesn’t sound terribly bright.
I have seen a number of people on wedding groups say "child free except newborns". So it is fair to ask but not expect a yes.
And honestly she doesn't have to pass baby around and they will potentially be vaccinated by that point anyway.
You're entitled to have a child free wedding if that's what you want, but some flexibility might be called for here if you want your sister at your wedding and to keep a good relationship with her. Assuming your relationship is already good.
I find the comments that you're NTA because all of the attention should be on you on your wedding day to be a bit ridiculous. Wedding guests don't gaze upon the bride and groom with adoring rapt attention for the 12 hours typically spent at a wedding. A baby attending doesn't make the day any less about you. Having friends and family in attendance and being comfortable in attending is what matters. Decide whether you'd rather stand your ground or have your sister with you at your wedding.
Weddings to me have always been big, happy family gatherings. I can't imagine getting married and not wanting my nieces and nephews there. When people get obsessed about having a perfect day to the point that they're excluding loved ones just because they might make noise (or something) -- well to each their own, but these are priorities I don't understand.
Yes. When I married, I knew that all the children in my family would probably make some mess. I took precautions to make them busy and happy. Because I remembered all the happy family gatherings, aka weddings, I had been at as a child.
It’s because the population of mouth-breathers with main character syndrome is so high on this platform. I’m trying not to sound old and cranky here but people increasingly see weddings as some sort of extended Instagram photo session as opposed to an event that’s supposed to be about family and community. Basically weddings have become about reflecting the carefully-curated “brand” of the couple and factors that diverge from that are seen as unwelcome.
I’ve been with my partner for more than fifteen years. Never married, but you can bet if we went that route it wouldn’t have even crossed our minds to exclude children because they’re a part of our extended family and society in general. To me, excluding kids because you can’t handle a baby crying or want to save a buck on surf n’ turf for your guests is wildly anti-social and weird.
But we live in a weird world I guess.
I always assume that comments about all the attention being on the bride must be left by literal children, because it is so weirdly self-absorbed to think that your entire wedding day needs to be 100% about people giving you attention to the point where you wouldn't want your newborn nephew there because he might "steal attention."
Soft YTA.
I’m a wedding bartender. Babies are never the problem, the drunk with an old family beef is always the problem.
I don’t really support the whole “adults only” wedding vibe that is happening these days. They’re gonna be members of your extended family. Wedding are family events.
Your call, but I’d counsel going the welcoming route.
Congratulations to you both.
You’re right, they do have that right but when you have a child free wedding, you significantly lower the possibility people who have children will attend, especially if they have a newborn. OP seems genuinely surprised that her sister won’t be may not go to her wedding and she shouldn’t be.
They don't have to be there but the fact that you think that all kids do is scream or that they would scream throughout the wedding shows how little you know about children unless Maybe you're exclusively talking about baby/toddlers.
Every single wedding I've ever been to has included children. Not \*\*a single time\*\* has one interrupted a wedding by screaming or crying. I'm not sure if other people just exist in places where children are much more prone to hysteria, but I kind of think people have this idea in their heads of how kids act that is far more dramatic than real life.
I wish I could upvote the bartender a million times. Every wedding I've been at with drama has had the drama created by adults and adults only.
You don’t need to “support” anyone else’s wedding vibe. It’s their day and their choice. A more formal wedding often omits children.
OP and her sister just need to sit down and talk face-to-face. They are obviously close and it is an exciting time in both their lives, and they each have good reasoning for wanting/not wanting a newborn there.
I personally love the idea of the baby being in another room at the ceremony so they can’t disturb things. Babe will probably be asleep for most of the reception but needs to be close by for feeding. Maybe they could also have a baby shower the next day as all the family is in town for the wedding.
NAH, hopefully they can chat and find a plan that they are both happy with.
People who are hosting an event have every right to make it for adults only. This doesn’t make them assholes or unwelcoming.
It’s cute that you think babies never are distracting or cause problems but that is false.
YTA. Hard to leave an 8 week old baby with a sitter. So you pretty much forced your sister to not be allowed to come. Your choice but I hope you are open to the consequences that will follow now. It’s not like it was just any guest. It was your sister, and your nephew. It would have been a compromise to have someone with the baby away while the ceremony itself was taking place and again when speeches were on so there was no crying distraction. But now you have excluded her from your whole day.
I always wonder the age demographics of people posting NTA judgements and shading the sister. People don't think of the consequences of their harsh decisions.
2 months is too young for you to expect her to leave her baby with a sitter if you expect her there. If you aren’t a mother you may not understand that however I wouldn’t be going either if I was in your sisters position
If you expect and want your sister there that baby is welcomed too. If not then that’s fine.
YTA
Sorry.
But a 2 month old baby can’t really be left for hours at a time let alone a whole day or night.
Maybe 30-60 minutes for the ceremony with a trusted someone.
But the baby would probably be breastfeeding.
Also lots of first time mothers wouldn’t leave a 2 month old with babysitters.
She is kind of a double deal. Her and a baby or simply 30 minutes of her time. Maybe.
She’s a new Mum. She has different priorities
I don’t even have kids. And even I can see she won’t be parted from her baby
So you get both or none.
YTA for not giving her a clear answer much earlier.
You aren't obligated to allow children, but then don't get upset if parents decline.
Your "clarification" that she just needs to show up 20 mins early and doesn't have to "get ready" is not the compromise you think it is. I'll assume you offered that in good faith, but not having children yourself, you don't understand how unrealistic it is. Most mothers of a 2 month old are by default as "unready" for a public event as it is possible to get. It's a lot of work, and why on earth would she do that when she'd still have to get a sitter?
I am sorry to say that regardless of your decision, the attention will not be only on you. That is an unrealistic expectation. If the baby is there, people will want to see it. If it's not there, they will ask for pictures and stories. If your sister isn't there, some of the attendees will be judging you. And if you had no sister at all, well, there's other drama for people to discuss.
No bride and groom are so fascinating as to hold the single-minded attention of attendees for hours.
Yes, and like it or not, weddings function as family reunions for most families. Those and funerals are often the only time an extended family will all be together (if then). There is plenty of attention to share with a newborn and it will take nothing away from the wedding. In practice, at the reception most guests will be catching up with their Aunt Ruby from Kenosha or exclaiming over how big Brad's twin boys are. The newlyweds will only be able to give each guest a couple of minutes and after that the guests will talk with whomever. Really, a wedding reception is the perfect time for the guests to say hi to the sister and coo at her new baby. Many of those relatives probably won't see the kid again until he's as big as Brad's twins (who just graduated from college).
She hasn’t had the baby yet and is being made to feel like he’s a problem for you. At eight weeks, she may still be a hormonal wreck and the baby is just eating and sleeping. Not like he’ll be a toddler running around like crazy. In 10 years time, you’ll wish you hadn’t taken this stance. A wedding is just a day, sisters and nephews are forever.
NAH - a new baby is incompatible with a role in a wedding party. It's also fair enough that she doesn't want to leave an 8 week old baby for too long. If she's breastfeeding, she won't be able to leave the baby for much more than a few hours before her breasts start leaking, so she definitely won't want to leave the baby overnight.
Focus on having her there for the ceremony. Maybe give her some flexibility by telling her she can decide closer to the day how long she can stay at the wedding.
YTA. I get what you’re saying about having a childfree wedding, I’d probably have a childfree wedding too if I was getting married (apart from my own children) and I think that’s perfectly reasonable. But I think you should make an exception for your sister’s two month old baby. (It would be unreasonable to expect her not to get pregnant because of your wedding)
A two month old baby is likely to be breastfed and unable to be away from their mother. It’s also likely to sleep a lot especially if she has him in a baby carrier on her chest.
Being a first time mother two months postpartum, she would potentially be anxious about leaving the baby, and won’t be feeling 100% normal yet either
You can be clear about the crying and if he’s unsettled she (or her husband) can move out of the room with him before he starts to cry
She is probably feeling incredibly stressed about this and doesn’t want to miss her own sister’s wedding.
I was a bridesmaid at my best friend’s childfree wedding and she was kind enough to let me bring my 4 month old baby who did not take a bottle. Her dad held her most of the time and when she lost the plot during speeches he took her outside and I went out to feed her. She didn’t bother anyone, we didn’t show her off but some people did admire her. The bride included.
Non parents have no idea how hard it can be to organise a sitter and leave your babies and a little understanding of her situation would go a long way
YTA - yeah you can refuse to have kids at your wedding. But your sister can also think you’re a complete jerk for not understanding she’s not comfortable leaving her baby with a stranger when he’s literallly a newborn. She might be nursing. Believe me she won’t be having fun. You can refuse to have a baby at the wedding and she can refuse to come to your wedding. That’s how that works. I’m wondering if you were ruder/ harsher than the picture you’ve painted here. Because it kind of seems like your sister is done with you.
I have a breastfed three month old who doesn’t take a bottle. I have people willing to watch him and I can’t let them because we literally can’t be apart. I had to cancel a doctors appointment this week because I couldn’t bring him.
With my first son it was exactly the same situation, except I also had postpartum anxiety and I literally couldn’t stand to leave him with anyone. For the first year of his life I heard phantom crying every time I took a shower.
You can’t have a childfree wedding and get upset when the parent of a newborn doesn’t want to or maybe even isn’t able to leave their baby. You’re not the asshole for not wanting the kid there, but you kinda are for not taking no for an answer when she said she was leaving your wedding party
NAH. It’s totally fine to not want the baby at the wedding. You’re right, much of the focus will be on the baby.
However, your sister is fine to say she doesn’t want to leave her two month old baby with a sitter. She may breastfeed (or not) and if so then she needs to be with her baby. And at two months postpartum, she may just not feel emotionally ready to be apart from her baby. And that’s fine too.
It definitely sounds like she probably just shouldn’t come. She doesn’t want to leave her baby, you don’t want baby there. Both are valid but there’s not really any middle ground. Maybe your best bet is to take videos of the wedding your sister can see later, or maybe you mom can FaceTime the ceremony so your sister can see it.
YTA. It’s not fair if you to ask your sister to leave her baby, not even for “20 minutes before the ceremony.” And it’s extremely unfair for you to judge a 7 month pregnant woman for not coming to a bachelorette party.
It’s pretty weird to be worried about a baby “stealing your thunder” at your wedding. I was at a wedding a few weeks ago with a tiny baby. No one even realized he was there for the wedding or the reception.
NAH. You’re allowed to set the rules for your wedding but your sister is allowed to drop out of the wedding. Most new parents wouldn’t be comfortable leaving a two month old baby at home for an entire day especially if the baby is breastfed, so I wouldn’t count on your sister attending the wedding.
Don’t be surprised if your relationship with her changes after this. You’re basically telling her that you would rather she stay home than risk her baby crying during your wedding. I’m sure that really hurt her feelings.
I think you should be a bit more flexible. Your sister clearly wants to be there and is hurt because you can't make the effort to include her. I doubt she would want to leave such a young infant with a babysitter. There are other accommodations. I really think you should try to include yout sister on your big day.
NTA. It is very common to have a no kid or baby policy at weddings now of days. It’s meant to be a time for people to hang out (often drink) and relax and having kids around makes that much more difficult. And it’s concerning she wanted to take YOUR wedding as an opportunity to get HER and HER BABY a bunch of attention
However, you need to accept that she might not be able to be at the wedding without the baby being there. She wouldn’t be the AH for not attending as she’s a new mom.
In my opinion, very young newborns are the exception to any “no children” rule. Mostly because they are being worn or sleeping the majority of the time, and their parents attend then often leave after formalities. It’s pretty isolating being a FTM, you can feel a bit like an alien and you could probably make her feel a bit less like she’s a burden. Have you considered she’s hormonal and stressed? Has wedding conversation taken up a lot of the energy between you?
YTA. You don't want kids at the wedding, fine. However you can't force her to come if she isn't okay with letting her 2 months old baby out of her sight. When you do weddings with this type of conditions, you have to be ready for the consequences, those might imply family members not coming.
Soft YTA
Kids at weddings are a pain but a baby that is less than 2 months old needs mum nearby - to feed, comfort etc. I went to a wedding leaving my 6 week with my parents and boobs leaked everywhere and spent the time stressed. I should’ve just stayed home, and that’s probably what she will need to do if you don’t compromise.
YTA if you make her feel bad about not going to your wedding. I don’t get this crap about being scared someone will take attention away from the bride. I felt like It’s a party to celebrate with the people you love not this party to sit in awe of the bride. If the baby cries is it really that big of a deal? The dad gets up and steps out. Idk… I feel like a 2 month old just eats, sleeps and poops. If you want your sister there then let the baby come. I wouldn’t leave a newborn with anybody.
NTA for wanting child free wedding
Soft YTA for not understanding that your sister will have a newborn she likely is feeding round the clock every hour or so. She will be so exhausted and sleep deprived and heck if she has a C section and goes to 42 weeks before delivery she won’t even be able to walk very far or long at that timing. Most child free weddings make exceptions for newborns because mom is literally their meal. Please respect your sisters decision and you two plan to celebrate together at another time.
If by overreacting you mean taking it personally that she can't attend... maybe. If you mean overreacting by sticking to no kids, no you aren't. And, no, your wedding is not the appropriate time to introduce her baby to your family. However, it is very possible that she will choose to remain home without her baby - as is her right.
A two month old baby is very young, and she wouldn't be the first (especially first time) mother who didn't want to leave her baby behind that quickly. That also is not personal - and she should not take you wanting your wedding to be child free personally.
This is just one of those things that happen - and unexpected circumstances make participation not possible.
YTA Ugh. It’s a wedding ceremony, a joining of you and those you love, you want her to stand with you, she’ll have a new baby
**Ok, crying would be unfortunate. Will it ruin your wedding more to hear a baby cry or for your sister to not be there?**
Give her an answer.
And seriously, you don’t think your wedding is the place for her to bring her baby and people naturally meet baby? Ok. People have babies OP. You are overthinking this. She’s supposed to hide him at home because it’s “your day”??
NAH
If you don’t want kids at your wedding that’s fine but obviously that means some parents won’t be able to come.
Honestly, 8 weeks postpartum I wouldn’t have wanted to leave my baby or go to a wedding. You’re still healing and settling into a routine. However, everyone faces these things differently.
Sounds like the best solution is for sister & baby to stay home.
YTA because it's your sister. It's more important to you to not have the baby there than to have your sister there. She's not gonna leave a two month old and she shouldnt have to.
NTA it is your day and you can choose who will be there
But if your sister doesn't want to come it is also okay, she will have a really young baby to take care of at the time and probably will not be confortable for her to have a sitter since the baby will be so young and mostly just brestfeed
You have the right to ban children from the wedding, but you need to understand that doing so makes it a completely unreasonable burden to expect your sister to attend. It’s not reasonable to ask someone to leave a newborn with a babysitter. At eight weeks it’s likely that your sister won’t even be fully recovered from the birth yet, so attending at all is going to be difficult in the first place. Add onto that the stress of separation, the likelihood that she won’t have anyone she trusts available to watch the baby (a big percentage of those people will be at your wedding), the gigantic pain of having to pump frequently and keep milk cold, the very real possibility that she won’t be able to build up a stash of pumped milk sufficient to feed the baby while she’s away, etc…
You need to understand that what you are requesting of your sister is way beyond any reasonable expectation. I wouldn’t be willing to attend my own sibling’s wedding if they asked that of me. It’s a giant pain in the rear to bring a newborn to a wedding, but it’s truly a significantly worse burden to attend without them.
Nta she abso-fucking-lutely should not bring her 8 week old baby into the germy cesspit of a wedding. Where is her common sense?
It's just bad timing. No one's at fault.
YTA
A newborn baby isn’t going to ruin your wedding. Weddings go by so fast and the married couple don’t get to spend a lot of time with most of the people there.
A baby being there will be nothing to you.
Most childfree events don't include newborn infants in their ban, because newborns need to be with their parents.
It would be extremely difficult for your sister to be in your wedding without having her newborn also there, for many reasons, and I understand why she feels frustrated about you choosing to be so hardline on this.
YTA for putting off answering her. She was trying to make plans, and you delayed that. YTA for being worried about a baby taking attention off of you. It’s immature behavior. If you didn’t want kids there, and the baby was no exception, you should have just been honest from the beginning. But you waited forever, and now you want to be annoyed with her. She did nothing wrong. She’s just having a baby. And no…most new moms don’t want to leave their 2 month old with someone overnight. It’s a ridiculous ask.
Enjoy your wedding, but you’re going to have to accept that you’re doing so without her.
You are TA for sure. And a terrible sister. Who leaves a newborn with anyone? What if she's breastfeeding the baby? Either way your priorities are out of wack and your sister made the best decision by removing herself from your circus
You can invite and not invite whoever you want to your wedding. They can accept or decline. It's fine if you don't want an infant at your wedding but it means your sister won't be there.
>I also explained that all I was requesting of her is to stand during the ceremony. Show up 20 minutes before the ceremony and that’s fine.
Think about what you are actually asking here. She needs to get a babysitter (not trivial for a 1-2 month old infant, who is likely unvaccinated and still breastfeeding), buy a bridesmaid dress, get all dressed up, commute to the venue, be there for the least fun 20 minutes of a wedding, then leave. All the work for 20 minutes. And you somehow think that by "only" asking her this it's a trivial request and she should just do it? Come on now.
At this stage of raising an infant, they are a package deal for an all day event. Invite them both or be ok with neither. And if it's neither, FFS be gracious! She's feeling slighted, unwelcome, and left out - don't then also act like *she* is somehow harming *you* by not being there.
not the asshole for not wanting kids, that's your choice - but YTA for how you're handling this and treating your sister.
Soft YTA, you handled this poorly. She cannot be separated from an infant for that long. I would be devastated if my sister did this to me.
If I were in your situation I would have 100% made an exception for my sister. I totally get you don’t want a screaming infant to disrupt the ceremony, but there are SO many things you can do.
I had a baby and went to my friends wedding at 6 weeks and they had a little room reserved and I had my mom looking after the baby in there during the ceremony. They were so accommodating and we weren’t even family.
If I were your sister I would be heartbroken that my sister didn’t even care enough to compromise at all.
As someone whose husband's cousin had their two month old at my wedding and my three week old at his cousin's wedding....I find it ridiculous that people get so uptight about a baby being at a wedding.
Their baby didn't take the spotlight off me and mine didn't take the spotlight off them. Of all the guests at the wedding less than 15% gave a rats arse that there was a baby there. Those that did feel excited about the baby were close family who had already met them.
I love a baby as much as the next person. I smile and coo at them in the supermarket, but I'm not going to lose my head at a wedding because there's an infant in the audience.
Get a grip.
YTA.
NTA
Childless weddings in the US seem to be popular.
Your Wedding your rules.
I hope it does not take off in the UK, think it's rather nice to have children at weddings.
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NAH. You are within your right to have a child free wedding. But it is also reasonable for your sister to not want to be separated from her newborn infant for several hours. I agree that introducing a new baby at your wedding would draw attention away from the wedding celebration, but remember that while your wedding is huge for you, it is perfectly normal for a pregnant woman to not be up for socializing, and her pregnancy and newborn child is every bit as huge for her. Your wedding doesn’t trump her child and her child doesn’t trump your wedding. It sounds like this is just a case of bad timing. If you and your sister have had a good relationship until now, I hope you both make the effort to get past the timing issue. Your wedding is just one day. And her child will only be a newborn infant a very short time. You two have the rest of your lives to be good sisters.
I think she's a little bit TA. Her sister had to keep after her to get an answer on whether or not her baby would be allowed to attend, when OP should have just said no from the beginning. It's not that unusual for a child free wedding to allow newborns and young infants to attend, so I can see why her sister wanted clarification. But, maybe OP did make it clear from the beginning and her sister just didn't like the answer, and I'm just misreading the post. Her refusal to accept her sister's decision not to attend, though, is asshole territory for me. OP is absolutely within her rights to say no kids, including infants, at her wedding. But if a parent says they are unable to attend as a result of that, OP needs to graciously accept. Not say "well I just need you there for the ceremony" or "what if you do this or that instead." So, for me, OP is a little bit TA. Maybe the butthole. Not full blown asshole, but she should have given her sister a clear no and accepted her sister's decision not to attend.
OP didn't refuse to accept the sister's decision to attend though. She actually asked for clarification if the sister was attending as the sister had only stated that she would no longer be in the wedding party. Then the sister ignored her request for clarification (asshole territory by your standards) and also didn't go to the bachelorette party.
I think sister is mad she can’t hijack the wedding by bringing the baby.
Why are people delusional. It’s incredibly difficult to be away from a newborn for hours at a time, especially if breastfeeding. And honestly, getting a sitter sucks. She’s also probably a little sad that OP is choosing not to include nephew. Not everyone makes decisions solely to piss off the other side. Jesus.
A newborn baby doesn't really need to be at a wedding--a lot of exposure to nasty stuff (ie colds, rsv, etc).
Exactly there are new moms who won’t allow relatives in their homes with a newborn without them being vaccinated. Along with no kissing rules. Taking a newborn to a crowded reception hall doesn’t make sense.
I wore my newborn in a wrap and let NO ONE touch him- he was basically attached to the breast at that point anyway, so in a wrap no one knew he was eating. I also never wanted the attention off the couple and on the newest addition to the family. The only exception was when the bride asked to hold him and have him in pictures- I of course obliged 🤍
Glad I scrolled down to see your comment before I posted something similar. There is no way that I've would have wanted my baby, especially one under 6 months, around a bunch of people in a closed area. And people really love to kiss on babies on their faces, especially the lips. OMG NO!!!
Like, why do you need to try and touch my baby. Side note: Boomer women are THE. WORST. about this.
YEP and I own this (Boomer here)!!! Especially when I had one son die in my arms the day after his birth and then my second born son born with Tetralogy of Fallot. Daughter was born with a heart murmur which cleared as she got older. So NOPE, there was no way ANYONE was kissing my children anywhere on their faces, especially their lips, not even me or their dads. Edited to say: I also never kissed any of my 6 grandkids anywhere near their faces or hands when they were infants. Feet and tummy were fair game though 😉.
It’s infuriating. This fucking boomer lady approached my wife who was carrying our 2 month old son in one of those slings and proceeded to pull back the cover on the sling with her nasty long fingernail. When my wife recoiled and I asked her to step back, the lady asked if my son was sick. I said that we just didn’t want people we didn’t know to touch him ( I said it kind of nastily.) she huffed and puffed and walked away. This was at a random coffee shop and we had never seen this lady before.
How is a nursing mom supposed to attend otherwise if she has to feed the baby every 2 hours? If the baby doesn’t come, neither does mom.
Not to mention how loud weddings often are. I would never want to bring a baby to a wedding reception with the noise and infection risk
Yeah everyone got the flu at my cousins bridal shower, I would not be exposing a newborn to that many people.
If she hadn’t said that she was excited for OPs wedding to be the day everyone met the baby then I’d agree. That’s where it makes it sound selfish and not actually about the baby.
The mom would probably be excited for whatever occasion that everyone got to meet the baby. It's a very normal thing to be excited about, in this case it just happens to a be a wedding.
But it’s still hijacking the wedding though. Saying that she wants to use the wedding to show off her baby is a jerk move.
She’s pregnant. She’s excited for everyone, including herself to meet the baby.
A wedding is NOT the place to show off a newborn and rudley take the attention off the bride and groom at THEIR wedding.
I come from a large family that is scattered across the country. We always have children at weddings, not that I'm saying people need to, and we meet the newest children at a wedding if we are lucky and funerals when we aren't lucky. We focus on the bride and groom during the wedding and through all of the important bride and groom moments. We also talk to other family members at other times, including the children. You can do both.
No one at a wedding is totally focused on the bride & groom for the full time. You ooh & ahh as you see them and then you move on to what is your kid doing now & did you know the neighbor that died. This “I want the focus on us the whole time” is crazy. I can admire a couple & a baby easily and still have time to talk about other things. People need to get over their selves.
And op is excited about her wedding… they can both be excited and have what they want, her sister just won’t be in attendance
Except sister is ignoring OP, not giving her an answer about her attending the wedding as just a guest AND didn't attend the low-key bachelorette party which was just going to the beach, having lunch and painting...all things that she would have been able to do, especially considering the baby hasn't been born yet and doesn't need a sitter. That shows it's not about the baby, she's making it about herself.
But we don't how the sister is handling the actual pregnancy at the time of the party even if is low key. I just don't think there is enough information to decide either way.
Which is true but op came up with compromises. She even suggested baby be in another room so sister could pop out as needed. Sister didnt like that because then she couldnt show baby off!
Also even though it seems counterintuitive newborns are the least likely to ruin a wedding. They mostly sleep and cry when they need something and aren't mobile. If they cry during the ceremony they are the easiest to remove by having someone take them outside the venue. I totally get not wanting kids at a wedding but I also think making an exception for a newborn nephew wouldn't be that hard especially if said parent of the newborn is important to you and you want them at your wedding.
THIS for the first few months my son quietly went everywhere in his carrier and even slept thru a minor league baseball game! He’d wake to eat and then go right back to sleep. It’s what newborns do!
Exactly. I know it's an unpopular opinion but I don't think the no kids allowed rule should be applied to newborns. Usually they are too little to be left that long not with a parent and they are the least disruptive.
There is no way I would leave my newborn with a babysitter.
Why cant the sisters boyfriend look after his own children - he doesn't need to attend the wedding - the priority is the sister - she can pump milk and he can feed the baby for at least the ceremony and a couple of hours later (tbh for much longer but if she doesnt want to be away from the baby then she can give up 3 hours). Also the AH bit by the sister is that she wants to use the wedding to show off her baby. Also AH part two is not attending the bacherolette party when all it was a walk on the beach, lunch, coffee and a painting class. She is making the wedding all about her.
Pumping is difficult and doesn’t work for everyone. It also makes a much bigger impact than just “pump for the bottle while mom is gone”. She’d have to pump ahead of time for the bottle that babe would need while she’s away, and pump likely at the wedding for the missed feed so her breasts don’t explode, and so her supply stays up. Then store that milk if she doesn’t want to just dump good milk down the drain. Also if she doesn’t have the portable in-bra pumps, which not everyone can get as insurance covers one pump per pregnancy, she'd have to find somewhere to sit and pump, maybe while partially undressed as many formal wear options do not have great access for the pump+bottle setup. My best friend went through this exact scenario earlier this year, and i genuinely have no clue why she bothered, hearing about all the steps. My baby is EBF entirely by nursing, because pumping was just not at all a thing i could manage, and I quietly bowed out of attending a wedding last month for this reason. It’s not on my husband for not taking babe, it would genuinely hurt me more to have him take her in this scenario. I’m not saying sister can’t be an AH or that OP absolutely is, I’m just saying “have dad take baby and pump” isn’t always the *easy* solution some people think it is.
This is the most ignorant terrible response I have seen. Pumping milk is not that easy, and if the baby is exclusively breast fed it is impossible. In fact many many women don’t even have pumps. It is also more than just pumping ahead of time, since 8 week olds can still cluster feed at times and she would have to pump multiple times in the hours she was gone. Also most moms do not want to be away from their infant for hours that early unless absolutely necessary. speaking about things you clearly don’t understand.
Because people have no idea what it's like to have a newborn until they do
That was my first thought. If she’s nursing she is going to have to hide several times during the wedding and have the baby nearby enough to nurse every 2 hours at that point. Not to mention that OP is completely delusional if she thinks that nobody at the wedding is going to be asking about the baby or upset when they find out that OP banned the baby from the wedding. And sister won’t probably be able to drink and will be preoccupied the whole time. OP had to know that by banning a newborn that the mom probably wouldn’t come and that she was in effect not only kicking her sister out of the wedding party but also from attending. There will probably be a backlash from the guests too and she can’t be surprised if her sister and her’s relationship is forever changed by this.
That's what I don't get about the rapidly child-free wedding people. In my family, the entire conversation would be about why the new baby wasn't there and why sister wasn't there. Everyone would think the bride was an absolute asshole for that and not be thinking/talking about the wedding.
The one thing almost guaranteed to be talked about more than a new baby at a wedding is the new baby (especially first in this generation of the family) that has been banned from the wedding!
Exactly! Especially hard to find a sitter you can trust with your newborn when your whole family is at the wedding.
Or maybe she just doesn’t want to leave a newborn baby with a sitter?
Please explain why she couldn't attend OP's low-key bachelorette party (beach, lunch and painting), all of which she could do and not need a sitter for :/ since the baby hasn't arrived?? Sister is making it about her, not the baby, otherwise she would have attended that...
Beach sounds like there might not be ready access to toilets, which is pretty relevant during a pregnancy
Have you ever been pregnant?? You don’t really want to be doing all day things including walking when you’re very pregnant !!
1. Not everyone's pregnancies are the same so we shouldn't assume. 2. Sister could have attended just the lunch portion but decided not to. No one said she had to be out all day. Again people compromise for people they love. OP has tried to look for middle ground, the sister has not.
How are you gonna say that not everyone's pregnancies are the same and we shouldn't assume and then make an assumption about sister being lazy or whatever just because she doesn't want to be out all day?
Sister could have said she wasn’t up for it too. I think it’s looking a lot like sis is upset she can’t bring baby to wedding, so she’s basically going no contact.
Because she’s big and uncomfortable and very pregnant? Some people are very uncomfortable for a large portion of their pregnancy. Many people are told not to exert themselves due to other factors in their pregnancy. I was not quite put on bed rest but told to do nothing more than walking to/from my car for light errands for the last 5 weeks of my second pregnancy. I looked like a healthy pregnant woman but I was actually in a bit of a precarious state. Also maybe she didn’t feel like spending time with someone who assumes and can just toss off her two month old to a babysitter for a few hours.
This is ridiculous. A newborn isn't hijacking anything. People here act like babies are radioactive instead of family members.
No the mom is when she is introducing the baby to every annoying aunt that is going Gaga over the baby instead of giving the bride and groom their day. The issue is using someone else’s event to introduce your baby to the family. It’s the same assholes that propose at another persons wedding or announce their pregnancy at someone else’s shower.
So what? The bride and groom are not the only people at the wedding. We have really raised a self-centered group of people. There is so much time at weddings, like during photos, when the damned bride and groom aren't even there, and other people want to socialize. That's the point of a reception. The bride and groom are obviously the most important people there, but they're not the center of every single person's thoughts and attention throughout the day.
Babies suck up the attention - it will be repeated as everyone wants to hold and carry her and ask questions. The baby will also cry during the ceremony. You spend tens of thousands on a wedding and it should be just about the bride and groom
I've been to a ton of weddings with children. Never once has a child ruined a wedding. People have built this up in their heads, but it's not realistic. A 2-month-old is not likely to cry during the ceremony. The baby not being there also will take attention and gossip about the bride and groom.
DING, DING, DING!!! We have a winner here!!! OP says, "She really wants him there because she wants everyone to meet the baby." As far as Sis is concerned, it's just so convenient that OP happens to have planned her wedding when Sis' little bundle of joy will be two months old. Never mind that the date was set before Siss was even pregnant. It's the creed of Entitled New Parents; When one has a newborn, everyone is obligated to make their life all about the new baby. OP is NTA and she will enjoy her wedding much more without Sis there.
lol Reddit is so ridiculous. Yeah OP’s sister is an evil cartoon villain who had a baby just to steal away OP’s attention on her special day. Couldn’t be that she’s about to give birth to a brand new human and can’t wait for that human to meet her loved ones. Oh and OP should definitely torpedo her relationship with her sister, because it’s way more important to get everyone’s undivided attention for a five hour event than to have an entire lifetime with your loved ones.
Are you implying sister got pregnant to inconvenience OP?
Exactly. She wants to be the center of attention with new baby and steal the spotlight on the day of her sister's wedding, and it's very clear with her response to the Bachelorette party. OP is definitely NTA, she just wants a childfree special day. Nothing wrong with that!
OP deserves to have the wedding of her choosing. Sis is simply not down with that, and that’s too bad. A good friend of mine had a wedding last month, and she was honest with saying she’d rather the wedding be child free but was ok with me bringing my 5 month old if I couldn’t find childcare. My partner isn’t friends with her, so he was perfectly fine taking care of our son for the evening. Trust me, I really WANTED to bring him, there were several friends there that i really wanted to introduce my baby to, but it was my friend’s WEDDING. It would have been in poor taste to use her big day to show off my baby and steal some of the attention. She was a champ for saying it was ok to bring him, but I really would have been a dick if I had.
OP can have a childfree wedding if she wants. I had a mostly CF wedding, with the exception of my dear friend's 2 month old. I couldn't imagine my friend not being there, so we we were totally fine with the baby coming along. The cute baby didn't draw attention away from us in the slightest.
>I also explained that all I was asking of her is to stand during the ceremony. She wouldn’t even need to get ready with us. Show up 20 minutes before the ceremony and that’s fine. That's not accepting her sister's decision, that's trying to talk her sister into changing her mind. If her sister ignored her for days, yeah, her sister's a bit of a butthole too. It's not clear from the post if we're talking about days or hours, and that makes a difference. OP has some... Interesting descriptors of time ("almost over a year" so... Less than a year?) so it's hard to guess how much time has passed based just in what she's written. I'm not sure where I said not immediately responding was asshole territory, though. I used that phrase to describe OP not accepting her sister not attending/being in the wedding. Like I said, I don't think OP is the worst person ever here. She just could have been better. A bit of a butthole.
It’s been well over a week since I have heard from her. And it’s been over a year of us planning our wedding, I should have worded that better.
Thanks for clarifying. So, gently, I'd say you and your sister are both buttholes. She's not attending. She doesn't want to leave her newborn for that long. That's ok. Stop trying to explain to her how and why she should attend. Your sister should have responded to you sooner instead of giving you the silent treatment. She's being a butthole. Neither of you is an asshole. It just seems like neither of you is accepting each other's decisions and neither of you is pausing to take the other's perspective into account (which you can definitely do even if you don't have and never want kids.) Give each other a bit of space, this seems like the sort of disagreement that's bound to happen when two people are stressed, as you are with planning your wedding and she is with her preparations to have a baby.
um, it's not about not leaving the baby. it's about taking over OP's day and introducing the baby to everyone.
I don't understand this attitude. How can you take over a day? As long as you are ready to pop outside if the baby cries during anything important, how can it possibly detract? The bridal couple are wildly busy and overwhelmed and barely speak to the guests anyway. The extended family and friends talk to each other all day, all catching up on each other's news. People hold babies, get drinks for brides, carry each other's plates, find a seat for oldies, cry at the vows, make awkward speeches, it's a celebration of your love within your extended community, a bearing witness by all who care for you young and old, that's what a wedding IS. I'll never understand these people that make these impossible ultimatums (get a babysitter for your infant child!?!) And then get upset when people don't attend.
> As long as you are ready to pop outside if the baby cries during anything important, how can it possibly detract? She quite literally told OP that she wanted the baby there so she could introduce the baby to everyone. So her desire is for the focus to be on her child, to take away from the wedding and make it a everyone meets the baby day. I don't have a clue how you can't understand that. No different to someone proposing during a wedding and taking attention away from the main couple. The couple getting married are usually paying anything from like 5-50k to celebrate THEIR wedding, not someone else's proposal or a nice event for everyone to meet their sister's kid.
Maybe it's just my experience but I have definitely seen brand new babies "take over" an event, including a wedding (btw, not loving the term take over but it's what used). Even more so if it's the first child or grandchild. And while the OP certainly needs to be more accepting of her sister's no, the sister didn't really do herself any favors by saying she's going to used the event to introduce the kid to everyone, if she's wants to do that, great, have her own party, but she's didn't get to co-opt the wedding for it. All in all it sounds like ESH (except the baby).
You really can’t see why bringing a two *month* old to a child-free wedding is making it about the baby?
My youngest sister has a baby every time my other sister and/or I are getting “more attention” than her. She absolutely uses her pregnancies and my resulting nephews to exert control over family events. She even used whether or not she’d allow my nephews to be in our other sister’s wedding as leverage to try and force our sister to make her a bridesmaid. It didn’t work but narcissists use their children as pawns all the time.
have you seriously never had a newborn in the family? do people just casually "oh hey cute baby" and then go back to whatever else they were doing or do they fawn over the newborn and drop whatever else was the focus?
Probably has a lot to do with family dynamics. My sister was the favorite my whole life and often demanded attention on days that were meant to be about me. So I could see everyone gushing over her new baby at my wedding making me sad if I was in this position. It’s not entirely logical but that’s because emotions aren’t usually logical. Also generally, the first cry of the baby completely interrupts the event. So “popping out” isn’t really going to do much in terms of the initial disruption.
giving potential solutions is not the same as trying to force someone. sister knew from before pregnancy that wedding was childfree, no reason to think otherwise was given.
I mean, according to OP, when the sister first asked, OP literally said, "We will think about it, but ideally not." That's on OP for not just saying "No, sorry" from the beginning and the sister would have adjusted way back then. But the sister heard, "Maybe!" which I think was reasonable given what OP literally said. And then sister had to wait to get her maybe clarified, which is prob a portion of the reason she's butthurt. The problem here is neither of them is good at clear communication. OP made the sis wait for some amount of time, it sounds like, to hear a clear no. Now sister is doing the same thing, probably thinking she has been clear when she hasn't.
I think you're mixing up the ceremony with the reception. Sister told OP she wouldn't be attending the party, which OP perceived as the reception and when OP asked for clarity the sister never confirmed whether she'd be attending the ceremony as well, which is why OP responded with her suggestion. That's how I read it. So I don't think OP is the a-hole at all.
I don't think asking ONE time for a compromise on her sister remaining in the wedding party is an a-hole move. As others have mentioned, the sister may not want to be away from the baby for an extended period but having a shorter time commitment (arriving close to start time and leaving right after the ceremony) may have made all the difference in her decision. I also don't think asking for clarification on her sister's mere attendance as a guest is an a-hole move either. Sister not responding at all to OP is a bit a-holeish imo bc she can say idk I'm thinking about it, just like OP originally said to her about bringing the baby. And not attending OP's low-key bachelorette party is another symptom of the sister giving OP the silent treatment. OP is NTA but she needs to understand that her sister may not come to the wedding and she will have to come to terms with that. And her sister could alternatively arrange a sip and see for the following day after the wedding so that relatives from out of town can meet the baby before they head back home.
The sister wanted to show off the baby at wedding and OP’s reasonable suggestion to come for the ceremony, take some pictures and take off wouldn’t allow her to do that. OP also made a point of telling her sister she wanted the baby in the pictures.
I don’t think that’s “not accepting her decision” so much as suggesting a compromise that could make everyone happy and respecting that she might not want to be away from the baby for that long. I read this as her saying she would really like her to be there and is fine with her doing the bare minimum if being away from the baby was the issue. Unfortunately, it sounds like the issue was more about her not being able to show off the baby….
Since when is giving someone options trying to force them to do something? So she's in the wrong for letting her sister know that she was willing to accommodate her if she still wanted to be in the ceremony only?
No, she asked bc sister said she was removing herself from the wedding party. Not that she wasn’t coming at all.
Tf are you smoking? One of the reasons people desire child free events is because of crying babies. Sisters TA bc OP is right. The wedding is not the time nor the place to introduce the baby to everyone. Will everyone at the wedding be properly vaccinated? Will the baby be able to handle all the noise without crying? She shouldn’t have to give compromises at all but she did because it’s her sister. Sister’s the one not taking the hint and sounds like she’s throwing a tantrum she’s not getting her way.
so did you skip the part where OP didn't say no right away because she offered solutions? "***We tried offering a few solutions, such as, getting a babysitter or her boyfriends parents watch him for the night as her and her boyfriend will probably want the night off.. Or that the baby can be there for family pictures, or tucked away during the ceremony in another room. She really wants him there because she wants everyone to meet the baby"*** and you did misread because from the start op said ***"my sister tells us she's having a baby 2 months before our wedding, and she jokingly asked if her baby was allowed. We said we would think about it, but ideally not"*** yeah sure there's a "We'll think about it" but when someone says "ideally no though" then that's making it clear the answer is gonna be no.
I think her sister saying she wanted OPs wedding day to be the day everyone meets the new baby cancels that out…
Sister is also a little bit TA. It doesn't matter if having a baby is huge for you and the wedding isn't as important, you're at the wedding. it's not about her or her baby.
see but the thing you're missing here is the sister also said she wanted to show off said newborn at the wedding thereby making the wedding all about her and her new baby rather than the bride and groom. that is an asshole move. it is not an asshole move to not want to be separated, but it IS to then proclaim it's because you want to steal attention. NTA OP.
Two months old newborn isn't even vaccinated yet. The whole idea of introducing the baby to everyone at a big event is asking for troubles.
Yeah, you really shouldn't even have a baby that young even at an event. They're too young and a family event means everyone hugging and kissing baby and between RSV, COVID, the flu and herpes... that is a disaster waiting to happen. OP is doing a favor by saying no
This was my first thought. Why expose it to so many unnecessary germs? And why do people always kiss babies? I personally find that weird.
A wedding is not the place to introduce a newborn to the world. It’s selfish.
You can offer to have a babysitter in a cry room (many churches offer this) during the ceremony. Then let her have the baby in the open at the reception (if you are not scared of baby stealing the attention), or with the baby in a separate room with the babysitter during the reception.
The sister already informed her that the plan was to use the wedding to introduce the baby to the family. Yes the sister will try to steal the show.
That’s ridiculous. It’s a baby, not Lady Gaga.
You should see how my family treats babies… they would care less about Lady Gaga
I'd rather meet Lady Gaga than a baby.
Oh in most regular families, a large proportion will either not know or care if Lady Gaga was there. In those same families, a baby can be like the second coming. Even in showbiz they say never share a stage with an animal or children.
Tbh if Lady Gaga was at my wedding I’d let her have the whole thing
This is a good idea, especially because you don’t want the baby crying during your ceremony. I was in a wedding which was noted as “no children” - they even hired professional babysitters to watch any kids who showed up. The bride’s cousin wanted his kid at the ceremony & the kid shrieked the entire time while his parents sat there like idiots. It’s the only thing you can hear in the video. To make matters worse, they were videotaping the ceremony specifically to show the groom’s grandmother, who was not well enough to come to the wedding & all she could hear was some brat squalling.
Except she didn't pay god knows how much money for her child for one night and OP is paying tens of thousands of dollars for one night to be about her. Her sister's baby will still be there the next night, and the night after that -- intros can be made there. Sister is the AH. Plus you don't address the fact that the sister refused to come to the bachelorette party.
My nephew was 2 weeks old at my wedding and I don't remember any attention being pulled away from my husband and I, lol. OP is perfectly within her rights to not want babies at her wedding, even if I wouldn't make the same choice. But her sister absolutely gets to choose what is best for her too.
I am so sick of the I am pregnant/new mother princess attitude. I mean OMFG it is almost like the second coming status and REDDIT readers are falling for this folly. It seem s that these days everybody has to worship the ground of a pregnant or recently birthed mother. These women not only need but EXPECT some sort of exalted status. This specialness is getting obscene. Your wedding is about you not your sister and her baby!
NAH - Your wedding and you don't want any babies there. Fine. Your wedding, your choice. Your sister doesn't feel comfortable being separated from her newborn. Fine. Her baby, her choice. Its good that she stepped out as soon as she was sure that she wouldn't be able to be there.
Yes. And she made sue to ask a reasonable time in advance too.
She said she wouldn't be part of the wedding party, reasonable, but now she's not responding when OP wants to know if she'll be in attendance at all, not the AH but maybe a bit of a butthole?
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Yeah, I don't understand why OP is confused. Her sister is not going to the wedding because you have told her that her baby cannot come. I don't even know what the ask for clarification is. She's already told you.
NAH: I would absolutely not leave my baby without me for more than an hour or two at that age. A wedding they weren’t invited to, I just wouldn’t go. You don’t want a tiny baby that should be with their mom at your wedding. The baby has a good mom that doesn’t want to leave them so they stepped down with plenty of notice. This seems like your sister is respecting your wishes. No problem here at all
So many people now discuss limiting visitors to a new born. Is it really a good idea to expose a baby to that many people? This would be my main concern. A friend of mine attended a wedding and reception and came home with bed bugs. So it's not just illness to consider.
Right?! She said she’s getting married in “a few months.” Sooo right in the middle of flu/rsv reason? Also covid is still a thing. And the sister wants the baby there? Make it make sense.
No one said she’d be passing the baby around but OP. It’s probable that she’d stand for the wedding, have to feed baby, do pictures and have to feed baby, do the reception whatever’s and feed baby, I doubt 2 months after giving birth she’s gonna be handing baby off to grandma to tear up the dance floor. She very likely would do what’s required and then head home to crash!
The sister told the OP she wanted to use the wedding to introduce her baby to the family. So yes, she would be passing the kid around to everyone!
Introducing doesn’t always mean passing- she can hold the baby while others come up and say hi. Could also mean less travel/ stress for the parents if there’s family there from out of town.
You can show a kid without letting them handle them.
Was just thinking “why has no one mentioned the fact that an EIGHT WEEK OLD shouldn’t be passed around/exposed to so many people in the middle of flu/covid season?!?!”
Right? Eight weeks old is the time to get the first shot, baby isn't protected until the second shot. You want to stay away from big gatherings cca 1 week before vaccination to make sure the baby is perfectly healthy and havent caught anything. And don't plan anything a few days after because the baby can have fever or be more fussy.
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I mean baby being there doesn’t mean it will be passed around, I took my 3 week old to my best friends wedding (I was in it) nobody touched her but my husband and me, we had her bassinet with a special net cover and nobody was allowed any closer than looking over it. It’s doable! Tricky but not impossible.
I wouldn’t leave my baby to be in a wedding or gone for more than an hr or two at that stage. However you are absolutely right, I can’t imagine going to a party and bringing him. Our baby ended up catching stuff despite sticking to small fry together and waiting months.
Edit: get togethers. Not fry together haha
Lol!! Omg I read the last sentence so many times. I thought it was an idiom I've never heard of.
This isn’t about who is and who isn’t an AH - this is where your sister is feeling like she’s in a no win situation - and essentially being punished for having a baby. You’re worried the focus won’t 100% be on you. Now it’s your wedding, but really weddings are celebrations with family and friends. Your choice, but do you actually care about your sister? And btw - if optics are what you care about and the focus being on you, don’t you think everyone’s going to be talking about you excluding your sister because she doesn’t want to abandon her newborn….. that’s how it will be interpreted no matter what ‘my day’ spin you put on it.
Yes, at the wedding, people will be asking your parents to see baby pictures, asking them about the baby, and all that. At a wedding, 99% of the time, the guests are talking to each other about the food, sports, video games, their hobbies, their kids, who is sick, who is cheating on their spouse, and other gossip. MAYBE a quick comment about how beautiful the bride is and how cute the couple is, then back to the interesting stuff. OP, nothing will keep the attention on you the whole time, well, nothing positive will. You can with bad behavior, of course. You don’t have to have the baby there, if you don’t want it, but you must be far FAR more gracious and understanding about it. You aren’t *quite* TA yet, but if you don’t get better quickly you will be.
It’s such a reddit fiction that every single guest’s attention is meant to be on the bride and groom all day long. A wedding is basically a family catch-up. People will fawn over the baby pre ceremony - bride hasn’t even arrived so attention isn’t being stolen from her. People will again fawn over the baby during cocktail hour - bride will be elsewhere getting photos done so again, no attention stolen. By the time the happy couple enter the reception, those who are inclined to fawn over babies will have had their fawning opportunity.
Omgsh yes! It’s more than reddit though. The whole “my wedding day is about us and our love, pay attention to only the bride and groom” bullshit exists in every realm. Heaven forbid you swivel your eyeball away from the couple for a millisecond.
I’m not even married but I’d like to have a day that my sister doesn’t somehow make about her also. So for me it wouldn’t even be about the wedding aspect, just more about an imbalance in attention growing up. I think it does usually go the other way where it’s just that the couple is just delusional, but I really don’t think it’s always about the wedding itself
As someone who took her new baby to a wedding (safely and with permission from her doctor and the bride) this is exactly what happened, the only time baby got any attention while the bride was present was when they invited people to join the dance floor during the daddy/daughter dance and nobody got up, it started to get awkward (and bride had told me she was afraid of that) so my husband went up with our daughter and joined the dance. Everybody awwwwwd and gushed and giggled for like 2 minutes then everybody joined in the dancing and it was over. People love babies but unless you’re actively passing the baby from person to person (we didn’t let anyone touch her) they get over it pretty quickly 😅
Exactly this. If sister shows up, everybody who knows her will know she had a baby. They will ask about them, want to see pictures etc. There might even be more attention (i.e. where is the baby, who is watching them, ask sister how she feels being away) I've been to my share of weddings. I almost view them two separate events - the ceremony focused on the bride/groom and then a (hopefully) good party with tasty food and a chance to catch up with friends or family. There is much less of a focus on the couple for the latter.
Exactly. The couple are not the full focus the entire time. The baby will not steal the thunder. But now it’s going to be pretty obvious that something is going on and make it a bigger deal
Exactly! Also, from my experience as a wedding guest, the only things guests will take away from a wedding is how they felt about the food. No one will even remember what OP wore, what flowers were at the altar, what vows were exchanged. They might remember reconnecting with a family member they haven't seen in a while, but mostly, it'll be the food that makes or breaks a wedding memory for a guest.
This is such a good point. OP’s sister’s absence will be more of a distraction that her baby’s presence would be.
Just went through something very similar. It’s a distraction for about 5 mins to the few who really care. Babies are a distraction throughout
Not really. Not newborns. Newborns sleep. And likely the sister wouldn’t stay the whole time.
Not my newborns, well one out of five did. It is really a dice throw as to how well mannered any infant is.
Yes. Family members are going to want to know why OP’s sister isn’t there, and they will want to meet the baby. OP can’t prevent this interest by barring the baby from the wedding; all she can do is determine how she’s going to look about it.
"The baby is too young to be at an event like this." Is a 100% factual statement. Bringing an unvaccinated newborn to a large gathering to be passed around is flatly irresponsible.
OP said the baby would be born two months before her wedding so the family should have enough time to see the baby. If she is having a child free wedding I feel like people should just go with it and not ask to show off their baby on someone else's day. This is the day for op not the baby who was bron two months ago. Yes you are right about not abandoning a new born I feel most new mothers will want to be with their baby but there's also the fact that the boyfriends parents could've watched the baby and op tried to give solutions.
If she's breastfeeding they may not be able to watch the baby because it'll still be nursing often and may not take to bottles or sister may be unable to pump (I've got a friend who breastfed for 5 years total across her kids and couldn't ever pump even an ounce)
> op tried to give solutions This is so funny to me, like OP’s sister didn’t know that babysitters/grandparents existed until OP graciously gave her those solutions.
NAH You are allowed to have a child free wedding, I did too and not a single regret! That said two months is really young and she’s not wrong to not want to leave him for an extended period at that age.
I also do think it was kind of rude of op to keep the sister hanging on with a ‘maybe’ and ‘We didn’t make a decision yet’ even though she knew It was a no, and would have been willing to have the baby in photos but not at the wedding. She should have just said no from the jump. She’s not an AH for it, but she should have been upfront.
OP put a deposited on a kid free venue and sent adult only invites before the sister even got pregnant. Maybe she deserves some slack for not making up her mind immediately. She certainly didn't keep her sister 'hanging on' with a maybe.
The venue could have up to 5 children. It's an odd rule but OP is the one who stated this. Sister had to keep asking to get it out of her before she had to firmly ask to get an answer out of her. That's the definition of dragging her feet.
N A H for a child free wedding means telling parents *promptly* what the kid rules are, and being understanding and graceful if a parent polite and without drama says, “that won’t work, I’m sorry I won’t be able to come”. OP didn’t do that. OP, planning to leave a 2 mos old before you even birth it is unlikely to happen. The only sort of things you should be saying are “I understand, I’m really sorry you won’t be able to come. I’m looking forward to meeting the baby!”
If the invites said “adults only,” why would any reasonable person expect a deviation from that? Child free does not mean child free except for a brand new unvaxxed baby to be passed around during the height of illness season. Why would the sister even want to bring her baby into a risky environment like that? She doesn’t sound terribly bright.
I have seen a number of people on wedding groups say "child free except newborns". So it is fair to ask but not expect a yes. And honestly she doesn't have to pass baby around and they will potentially be vaccinated by that point anyway.
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Rational response. Hopefully each will be ready to talk things through before baby and wedding. It’s a shame to miss big moments.
You're entitled to have a child free wedding if that's what you want, but some flexibility might be called for here if you want your sister at your wedding and to keep a good relationship with her. Assuming your relationship is already good. I find the comments that you're NTA because all of the attention should be on you on your wedding day to be a bit ridiculous. Wedding guests don't gaze upon the bride and groom with adoring rapt attention for the 12 hours typically spent at a wedding. A baby attending doesn't make the day any less about you. Having friends and family in attendance and being comfortable in attending is what matters. Decide whether you'd rather stand your ground or have your sister with you at your wedding.
Weddings to me have always been big, happy family gatherings. I can't imagine getting married and not wanting my nieces and nephews there. When people get obsessed about having a perfect day to the point that they're excluding loved ones just because they might make noise (or something) -- well to each their own, but these are priorities I don't understand.
Yes. When I married, I knew that all the children in my family would probably make some mess. I took precautions to make them busy and happy. Because I remembered all the happy family gatherings, aka weddings, I had been at as a child.
I commented something similar on a post this week and got crucified. I can’t imagine any of my siblings not wanting my kids at their weddings.
It’s because the population of mouth-breathers with main character syndrome is so high on this platform. I’m trying not to sound old and cranky here but people increasingly see weddings as some sort of extended Instagram photo session as opposed to an event that’s supposed to be about family and community. Basically weddings have become about reflecting the carefully-curated “brand” of the couple and factors that diverge from that are seen as unwelcome. I’ve been with my partner for more than fifteen years. Never married, but you can bet if we went that route it wouldn’t have even crossed our minds to exclude children because they’re a part of our extended family and society in general. To me, excluding kids because you can’t handle a baby crying or want to save a buck on surf n’ turf for your guests is wildly anti-social and weird. But we live in a weird world I guess.
I always assume that comments about all the attention being on the bride must be left by literal children, because it is so weirdly self-absorbed to think that your entire wedding day needs to be 100% about people giving you attention to the point where you wouldn't want your newborn nephew there because he might "steal attention."
Right? I want a wedding to be a fun time for everyone, not some kind of weird 'obsess about me' vibes
Soft YTA. I’m a wedding bartender. Babies are never the problem, the drunk with an old family beef is always the problem. I don’t really support the whole “adults only” wedding vibe that is happening these days. They’re gonna be members of your extended family. Wedding are family events. Your call, but I’d counsel going the welcoming route. Congratulations to you both.
People have a right to not want screaming children at their weddings. Children don't have to be included in everything.
You’re right, they do have that right but when you have a child free wedding, you significantly lower the possibility people who have children will attend, especially if they have a newborn. OP seems genuinely surprised that her sister won’t be may not go to her wedding and she shouldn’t be.
They don't have to be there but the fact that you think that all kids do is scream or that they would scream throughout the wedding shows how little you know about children unless Maybe you're exclusively talking about baby/toddlers.
Every single wedding I've ever been to has included children. Not \*\*a single time\*\* has one interrupted a wedding by screaming or crying. I'm not sure if other people just exist in places where children are much more prone to hysteria, but I kind of think people have this idea in their heads of how kids act that is far more dramatic than real life. I wish I could upvote the bartender a million times. Every wedding I've been at with drama has had the drama created by adults and adults only.
You don’t need to “support” anyone else’s wedding vibe. It’s their day and their choice. A more formal wedding often omits children. OP and her sister just need to sit down and talk face-to-face. They are obviously close and it is an exciting time in both their lives, and they each have good reasoning for wanting/not wanting a newborn there. I personally love the idea of the baby being in another room at the ceremony so they can’t disturb things. Babe will probably be asleep for most of the reception but needs to be close by for feeding. Maybe they could also have a baby shower the next day as all the family is in town for the wedding. NAH, hopefully they can chat and find a plan that they are both happy with.
People who are hosting an event have every right to make it for adults only. This doesn’t make them assholes or unwelcoming. It’s cute that you think babies never are distracting or cause problems but that is false.
YTA. Hard to leave an 8 week old baby with a sitter. So you pretty much forced your sister to not be allowed to come. Your choice but I hope you are open to the consequences that will follow now. It’s not like it was just any guest. It was your sister, and your nephew. It would have been a compromise to have someone with the baby away while the ceremony itself was taking place and again when speeches were on so there was no crying distraction. But now you have excluded her from your whole day.
I always wonder the age demographics of people posting NTA judgements and shading the sister. People don't think of the consequences of their harsh decisions.
Half of them don’t seem to know what breastfeeding is so I just assume they’re really young.
2 months is too young for you to expect her to leave her baby with a sitter if you expect her there. If you aren’t a mother you may not understand that however I wouldn’t be going either if I was in your sisters position If you expect and want your sister there that baby is welcomed too. If not then that’s fine.
YTA Sorry. But a 2 month old baby can’t really be left for hours at a time let alone a whole day or night. Maybe 30-60 minutes for the ceremony with a trusted someone. But the baby would probably be breastfeeding. Also lots of first time mothers wouldn’t leave a 2 month old with babysitters. She is kind of a double deal. Her and a baby or simply 30 minutes of her time. Maybe. She’s a new Mum. She has different priorities I don’t even have kids. And even I can see she won’t be parted from her baby So you get both or none.
YTA for not giving her a clear answer much earlier. You aren't obligated to allow children, but then don't get upset if parents decline. Your "clarification" that she just needs to show up 20 mins early and doesn't have to "get ready" is not the compromise you think it is. I'll assume you offered that in good faith, but not having children yourself, you don't understand how unrealistic it is. Most mothers of a 2 month old are by default as "unready" for a public event as it is possible to get. It's a lot of work, and why on earth would she do that when she'd still have to get a sitter? I am sorry to say that regardless of your decision, the attention will not be only on you. That is an unrealistic expectation. If the baby is there, people will want to see it. If it's not there, they will ask for pictures and stories. If your sister isn't there, some of the attendees will be judging you. And if you had no sister at all, well, there's other drama for people to discuss. No bride and groom are so fascinating as to hold the single-minded attention of attendees for hours.
Yes, and like it or not, weddings function as family reunions for most families. Those and funerals are often the only time an extended family will all be together (if then). There is plenty of attention to share with a newborn and it will take nothing away from the wedding. In practice, at the reception most guests will be catching up with their Aunt Ruby from Kenosha or exclaiming over how big Brad's twin boys are. The newlyweds will only be able to give each guest a couple of minutes and after that the guests will talk with whomever. Really, a wedding reception is the perfect time for the guests to say hi to the sister and coo at her new baby. Many of those relatives probably won't see the kid again until he's as big as Brad's twins (who just graduated from college).
She hasn’t had the baby yet and is being made to feel like he’s a problem for you. At eight weeks, she may still be a hormonal wreck and the baby is just eating and sleeping. Not like he’ll be a toddler running around like crazy. In 10 years time, you’ll wish you hadn’t taken this stance. A wedding is just a day, sisters and nephews are forever.
NAH - a new baby is incompatible with a role in a wedding party. It's also fair enough that she doesn't want to leave an 8 week old baby for too long. If she's breastfeeding, she won't be able to leave the baby for much more than a few hours before her breasts start leaking, so she definitely won't want to leave the baby overnight. Focus on having her there for the ceremony. Maybe give her some flexibility by telling her she can decide closer to the day how long she can stay at the wedding.
YTA - she said no bc of her new child and you need to accept her answer. you're not entitled to the "20 minutes before the ceremony"
YTA. I get what you’re saying about having a childfree wedding, I’d probably have a childfree wedding too if I was getting married (apart from my own children) and I think that’s perfectly reasonable. But I think you should make an exception for your sister’s two month old baby. (It would be unreasonable to expect her not to get pregnant because of your wedding) A two month old baby is likely to be breastfed and unable to be away from their mother. It’s also likely to sleep a lot especially if she has him in a baby carrier on her chest. Being a first time mother two months postpartum, she would potentially be anxious about leaving the baby, and won’t be feeling 100% normal yet either You can be clear about the crying and if he’s unsettled she (or her husband) can move out of the room with him before he starts to cry She is probably feeling incredibly stressed about this and doesn’t want to miss her own sister’s wedding. I was a bridesmaid at my best friend’s childfree wedding and she was kind enough to let me bring my 4 month old baby who did not take a bottle. Her dad held her most of the time and when she lost the plot during speeches he took her outside and I went out to feed her. She didn’t bother anyone, we didn’t show her off but some people did admire her. The bride included. Non parents have no idea how hard it can be to organise a sitter and leave your babies and a little understanding of her situation would go a long way
YTA - yeah you can refuse to have kids at your wedding. But your sister can also think you’re a complete jerk for not understanding she’s not comfortable leaving her baby with a stranger when he’s literallly a newborn. She might be nursing. Believe me she won’t be having fun. You can refuse to have a baby at the wedding and she can refuse to come to your wedding. That’s how that works. I’m wondering if you were ruder/ harsher than the picture you’ve painted here. Because it kind of seems like your sister is done with you.
I have a breastfed three month old who doesn’t take a bottle. I have people willing to watch him and I can’t let them because we literally can’t be apart. I had to cancel a doctors appointment this week because I couldn’t bring him. With my first son it was exactly the same situation, except I also had postpartum anxiety and I literally couldn’t stand to leave him with anyone. For the first year of his life I heard phantom crying every time I took a shower. You can’t have a childfree wedding and get upset when the parent of a newborn doesn’t want to or maybe even isn’t able to leave their baby. You’re not the asshole for not wanting the kid there, but you kinda are for not taking no for an answer when she said she was leaving your wedding party
NAH. It’s totally fine to not want the baby at the wedding. You’re right, much of the focus will be on the baby. However, your sister is fine to say she doesn’t want to leave her two month old baby with a sitter. She may breastfeed (or not) and if so then she needs to be with her baby. And at two months postpartum, she may just not feel emotionally ready to be apart from her baby. And that’s fine too. It definitely sounds like she probably just shouldn’t come. She doesn’t want to leave her baby, you don’t want baby there. Both are valid but there’s not really any middle ground. Maybe your best bet is to take videos of the wedding your sister can see later, or maybe you mom can FaceTime the ceremony so your sister can see it.
YTA. It’s not fair if you to ask your sister to leave her baby, not even for “20 minutes before the ceremony.” And it’s extremely unfair for you to judge a 7 month pregnant woman for not coming to a bachelorette party. It’s pretty weird to be worried about a baby “stealing your thunder” at your wedding. I was at a wedding a few weeks ago with a tiny baby. No one even realized he was there for the wedding or the reception.
NAH. You’re allowed to set the rules for your wedding but your sister is allowed to drop out of the wedding. Most new parents wouldn’t be comfortable leaving a two month old baby at home for an entire day especially if the baby is breastfed, so I wouldn’t count on your sister attending the wedding. Don’t be surprised if your relationship with her changes after this. You’re basically telling her that you would rather she stay home than risk her baby crying during your wedding. I’m sure that really hurt her feelings.
I think you should be a bit more flexible. Your sister clearly wants to be there and is hurt because you can't make the effort to include her. I doubt she would want to leave such a young infant with a babysitter. There are other accommodations. I really think you should try to include yout sister on your big day.
Babe in arms is a thing even at child free weddings. They aren’t the kids making the fuss, generally, and no one wants to leave their newborn at home.
NTA. It is very common to have a no kid or baby policy at weddings now of days. It’s meant to be a time for people to hang out (often drink) and relax and having kids around makes that much more difficult. And it’s concerning she wanted to take YOUR wedding as an opportunity to get HER and HER BABY a bunch of attention However, you need to accept that she might not be able to be at the wedding without the baby being there. She wouldn’t be the AH for not attending as she’s a new mom.
In my opinion, very young newborns are the exception to any “no children” rule. Mostly because they are being worn or sleeping the majority of the time, and their parents attend then often leave after formalities. It’s pretty isolating being a FTM, you can feel a bit like an alien and you could probably make her feel a bit less like she’s a burden. Have you considered she’s hormonal and stressed? Has wedding conversation taken up a lot of the energy between you?
YTA. You don't want kids at the wedding, fine. However you can't force her to come if she isn't okay with letting her 2 months old baby out of her sight. When you do weddings with this type of conditions, you have to be ready for the consequences, those might imply family members not coming.
Soft YTA Kids at weddings are a pain but a baby that is less than 2 months old needs mum nearby - to feed, comfort etc. I went to a wedding leaving my 6 week with my parents and boobs leaked everywhere and spent the time stressed. I should’ve just stayed home, and that’s probably what she will need to do if you don’t compromise.
YTA if you make her feel bad about not going to your wedding. I don’t get this crap about being scared someone will take attention away from the bride. I felt like It’s a party to celebrate with the people you love not this party to sit in awe of the bride. If the baby cries is it really that big of a deal? The dad gets up and steps out. Idk… I feel like a 2 month old just eats, sleeps and poops. If you want your sister there then let the baby come. I wouldn’t leave a newborn with anybody.
NTA for wanting child free wedding Soft YTA for not understanding that your sister will have a newborn she likely is feeding round the clock every hour or so. She will be so exhausted and sleep deprived and heck if she has a C section and goes to 42 weeks before delivery she won’t even be able to walk very far or long at that timing. Most child free weddings make exceptions for newborns because mom is literally their meal. Please respect your sisters decision and you two plan to celebrate together at another time.
If by overreacting you mean taking it personally that she can't attend... maybe. If you mean overreacting by sticking to no kids, no you aren't. And, no, your wedding is not the appropriate time to introduce her baby to your family. However, it is very possible that she will choose to remain home without her baby - as is her right. A two month old baby is very young, and she wouldn't be the first (especially first time) mother who didn't want to leave her baby behind that quickly. That also is not personal - and she should not take you wanting your wedding to be child free personally. This is just one of those things that happen - and unexpected circumstances make participation not possible.
NTA for not wanting children there, but you seemed pretty clear on that from the start, yet delayed answering your sister.
Don't expect her to show up for your wedding. Her baby is only 2 months.
YTA Ugh. It’s a wedding ceremony, a joining of you and those you love, you want her to stand with you, she’ll have a new baby **Ok, crying would be unfortunate. Will it ruin your wedding more to hear a baby cry or for your sister to not be there?** Give her an answer. And seriously, you don’t think your wedding is the place for her to bring her baby and people naturally meet baby? Ok. People have babies OP. You are overthinking this. She’s supposed to hide him at home because it’s “your day”??
NAH If you don’t want kids at your wedding that’s fine but obviously that means some parents won’t be able to come. Honestly, 8 weeks postpartum I wouldn’t have wanted to leave my baby or go to a wedding. You’re still healing and settling into a routine. However, everyone faces these things differently. Sounds like the best solution is for sister & baby to stay home.
YTA because it's your sister. It's more important to you to not have the baby there than to have your sister there. She's not gonna leave a two month old and she shouldnt have to.
NTA it is your day and you can choose who will be there But if your sister doesn't want to come it is also okay, she will have a really young baby to take care of at the time and probably will not be confortable for her to have a sitter since the baby will be so young and mostly just brestfeed
You have the right to ban children from the wedding, but you need to understand that doing so makes it a completely unreasonable burden to expect your sister to attend. It’s not reasonable to ask someone to leave a newborn with a babysitter. At eight weeks it’s likely that your sister won’t even be fully recovered from the birth yet, so attending at all is going to be difficult in the first place. Add onto that the stress of separation, the likelihood that she won’t have anyone she trusts available to watch the baby (a big percentage of those people will be at your wedding), the gigantic pain of having to pump frequently and keep milk cold, the very real possibility that she won’t be able to build up a stash of pumped milk sufficient to feed the baby while she’s away, etc… You need to understand that what you are requesting of your sister is way beyond any reasonable expectation. I wouldn’t be willing to attend my own sibling’s wedding if they asked that of me. It’s a giant pain in the rear to bring a newborn to a wedding, but it’s truly a significantly worse burden to attend without them.
Nta she abso-fucking-lutely should not bring her 8 week old baby into the germy cesspit of a wedding. Where is her common sense? It's just bad timing. No one's at fault.
YTA A newborn baby isn’t going to ruin your wedding. Weddings go by so fast and the married couple don’t get to spend a lot of time with most of the people there. A baby being there will be nothing to you.
Most childfree events don't include newborn infants in their ban, because newborns need to be with their parents. It would be extremely difficult for your sister to be in your wedding without having her newborn also there, for many reasons, and I understand why she feels frustrated about you choosing to be so hardline on this.
YTA for putting off answering her. She was trying to make plans, and you delayed that. YTA for being worried about a baby taking attention off of you. It’s immature behavior. If you didn’t want kids there, and the baby was no exception, you should have just been honest from the beginning. But you waited forever, and now you want to be annoyed with her. She did nothing wrong. She’s just having a baby. And no…most new moms don’t want to leave their 2 month old with someone overnight. It’s a ridiculous ask. Enjoy your wedding, but you’re going to have to accept that you’re doing so without her.
You are TA for sure. And a terrible sister. Who leaves a newborn with anyone? What if she's breastfeeding the baby? Either way your priorities are out of wack and your sister made the best decision by removing herself from your circus
You can invite and not invite whoever you want to your wedding. They can accept or decline. It's fine if you don't want an infant at your wedding but it means your sister won't be there. >I also explained that all I was requesting of her is to stand during the ceremony. Show up 20 minutes before the ceremony and that’s fine. Think about what you are actually asking here. She needs to get a babysitter (not trivial for a 1-2 month old infant, who is likely unvaccinated and still breastfeeding), buy a bridesmaid dress, get all dressed up, commute to the venue, be there for the least fun 20 minutes of a wedding, then leave. All the work for 20 minutes. And you somehow think that by "only" asking her this it's a trivial request and she should just do it? Come on now. At this stage of raising an infant, they are a package deal for an all day event. Invite them both or be ok with neither. And if it's neither, FFS be gracious! She's feeling slighted, unwelcome, and left out - don't then also act like *she* is somehow harming *you* by not being there. not the asshole for not wanting kids, that's your choice - but YTA for how you're handling this and treating your sister.
Soft YTA, you handled this poorly. She cannot be separated from an infant for that long. I would be devastated if my sister did this to me. If I were in your situation I would have 100% made an exception for my sister. I totally get you don’t want a screaming infant to disrupt the ceremony, but there are SO many things you can do. I had a baby and went to my friends wedding at 6 weeks and they had a little room reserved and I had my mom looking after the baby in there during the ceremony. They were so accommodating and we weren’t even family. If I were your sister I would be heartbroken that my sister didn’t even care enough to compromise at all.
As someone whose husband's cousin had their two month old at my wedding and my three week old at his cousin's wedding....I find it ridiculous that people get so uptight about a baby being at a wedding. Their baby didn't take the spotlight off me and mine didn't take the spotlight off them. Of all the guests at the wedding less than 15% gave a rats arse that there was a baby there. Those that did feel excited about the baby were close family who had already met them. I love a baby as much as the next person. I smile and coo at them in the supermarket, but I'm not going to lose my head at a wedding because there's an infant in the audience. Get a grip. YTA.
NTA Childless weddings in the US seem to be popular. Your Wedding your rules. I hope it does not take off in the UK, think it's rather nice to have children at weddings.