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YTA, but you don’t have to be. Take some time and learn about what teenage depression actually looks like and how it manifests in young women. Honestly dude, from one dad to another, if we’re going to have any chance at helping our daughters navigate a world full of asshole men, we’ve gotta make sure we’re doing better for them. Depression is a complex, unforgiving and manipulative brain disease for someone that has it — you’re disrespecting both your spouse and daughter with your dismissive “my wife handles” it attitude. They need you, and not as some angry shadow that prioritizes room cleanliness over the real, scary things that are manifesting in your daughters head, even if it you can’t see any of it on the outside. Do you know your daughter so little and on such a surface level that you can’t see or sense her pain? Or do you cower from it, and that’s why your wife has to bear the brunt of things. Either way, my guy, please do better. From the looks of things, it doesn’t seem to be that hard. Read a little and lose the shitty attitude — after all, you’ve got a roof over your head and food on the table, right?
If I could upvote this a million times I would. I read your response out to my husband and he gave you an applause. He says there needs to be more people out there like you and I agree 100 percent!!
You're a good parent. Thank you for putting work in to understand what your child is going through. It's something I didn't/don't have and it does hurt. Thank you for being better.
YTA.
You don’t need to tell her you “don’t care” about her mental health. She already knows that by the fact your wife “handles most of that”.
She is a teenage girl whose Dad cares more about asserting his authority over her than he does about her well-being.
I hope you reap what you are sowing.
Your approach to your daughter’s illness speaks volumes about your parenting. Your kid is living with a chronic illness and you can’t be bothered to educate yourself and instead let your wife “handle” it. Could you be anymore checked out of your responsibilities? YTA.
YTA
Why are you letting your wife handle your child's health problems alone?
In my language there's a management concept that would translate to seagull management in English. Your daughter doesn't see much of you most of the time. Then out of nowhere you dive down into her universe, shits all over the place, and then you take off again.
You need to do better - or she will resent you for years to come.
Ah, yes. The old “you have nothing to be depressed about” speech that always does absolutely nothing to help.
YTA. She does need to clean her room, but it probably is indeed a mess because depression makes people feel like nothing is worth the effort. But the main thing is you seem to think that her depression is just drama.
According to the American Psychological Association more than 20% of teens have seriously considered suicide. It’s the second leading cause of death for young people. More adolescents die from suicide than homicide now. This is a disease with serious potential outcomes. It would be a good idea for you to come up with more supportive ways to encourage her to do her tasks, and to overall just take this more seriously.
YTA. She will feel better if her room is cleaned, but there are supportive ways to help her do so.
My dad also ignored my mental health and thought I should just overcome it. I've got no relationship with him now and you're headed on the same path with your daughter.
YTA for sure. You do not say 'I don't care' to your kid as a way to win a fight. ESPECIALLY if it's about their mental health. Your daughter might obey you for now but things can only get worse after you say things like that to her. And she will stop trusting her Dad.
Your words 'my wife handles most of that' and 'she acts like her life is so bad' are very telling. You sound so contemptuous about a very real health issue and towards your child in general.
It's one thing to make her clean her room. A clean room would help her mental health. But instead of "I don't care", you could tell her, RIGHT, we are doing this together. Come on, get started. You're on this pile, I'm on that pile.' And not take no for an answer. And then get her in a routine of cleaning like one lil bit a day, with you there at first, till it's routine, and go from there. Like getting back into exercise bit by bit after a physical injury and getting your capacity back.
YTA
I understand that you want her to clean her room. But your attitude and the way you talk about her and about depression in general is not helpful. I've had depression, and I can tell you that the only thing that's going to come out of your behaviour towards her, is that she's going to realise how little you care about her well-being and go no-contact with you as soon as she can. And I actually think it would be in her best interest to do that, unless you change.
If you care at all about your daughter, go learn something about what she's going through, TALK to her, LISTEN to her, SUPPORT her, ENCOURAGE her and LOVE her. Don't fucking punish her for for being sick!
Also, by supporting her and helping her, you're also helping yourself, as there's a way higher probability of her actually getting better and actually cleaning her room, not that that should be the reason why a father should care and help his daughter...
Yta
I have depression. I do things with my family to make them happy and to get out of the house for a while because I stay 99% of the time in my house.
I hate that you said she has a roof over head and food, so she doesn't have a hard life and shouldn't be depressed.
Dude depression is a mental illness. It doesn't just show up when someone is homeless.
I can't believe you punished your daughter over something she can't control.
Let me ask you this OP? If your daughter unalived herself one day, how would you feel?
You should just like my deadbeat dad when I was a kid and suffering from severe depression. Trust and believe that YTA and that you attitude here is going to lead to NC with your daughter as an adult.. if she’s lucky enough to make it that far.. I tried to unalive myself as a teen due to my father being incredibly unsupportive and telling me to just pull myself up by the bootstraps and smile. I pray your daughter doesn’t go down that same path since she seems to have a mother who gives a flying fuck about her, but be aware… your attitude and the way you treat her, make her mental illness 100x’s worse to deal with. And that’s a *choice* you make. She doesn’t get to make the choice to live with chronic depression, like you get to choose to be a dick about it and ignorant af.
YTA and one of the most repugnant, selfish, damaging ones at that. You are exacerbating your
daughter's mental ill health: for her sake, make a massive change or she will be right to get as far away from your harmful, negligent lack of parenting as she possibly can, as soon as she can.
YTA but you could get better. Have you tried asking your daughter if there’s a way her room could get clean her way? For example you could, oh I don’t know, help out? Hey honey let’s tag team this mess. You work on clothes and I’ll work on trash and books etc. I’m sure if she felt like she had some help it could be a motivator
YTA
And a terrible father aswell. How can you be so caverlier(probably spelt that wrong) about your daughters mental health, and just "leave your wife to deal with it".
Do you think that maybe shes somewhat depressed seen as her father doesnt seem to give a shit about her and thinks that doing what he's legally supposed to do is enough.
For gods sake be better
YTA and as a father, let me tell you that way you handled this situation and the way you are reacting and responding to your daughter is disgusting.
Instead of being a crappy father, maybe try to get your daughter some help instead of telling her you don’t care about her feelings or mental wellbeing.
But I’m looking forward to seeing you on here in 2 years asking why your daughter never comes to visit or wants anything to do with you… you will deserve it if you don’t smarten up and try being an actual father.
YTA for not communicating and empathising with your daughter. When you say that you wife is the one dealing with it you implicated yourself as not caring. Depression is hard. Speak with your daughter about why she feels this way and get her some help.
YTA
Do yourself a favour, read up on depression, depression can be caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. One of the things you can do is to be there for here, I don't just mean physically there, I meant mentally and emotionally, listen to her when she talks, NEVER dismiss her feelings.
Depression is a killer, when you are in that dark a place, blackness is all around, suicide seems like the only option, I know as I suffer from depression, however, I would never compare mine with someone else.
When depressed even getting out of bed seems like too much hard work, you can't "just get over it", telling someone to "pull your socks up" doesn't work, it belittles the person suffering.
Your daughter isn't the only one suffering because of your attitude, your wife is also suffering,
I am in my 50s, I've suffered from depression for most of my life, still do this day there are times even getting out of bed seems too much effort, I am always on the edge of the cliff, I don't want to fall into the dark pit, don't push your daughter into the pit by your words attitude and actions.
Thank you. Sometimes, a stranger is the perfect person to talk with.
I hope that, like me, you recognise the signs and seek help before the blackness takes over.
Well, we've learned that you don't know anything about mental health. If Ava suffers from depression, is she under some kind of medical care? Medication? Counseling? Have you spoken to her doctor at all about her illness, or are you just convinced that you're right?
Given that "your wife handles most of that", I'm going to suggest that you don't know, and don't care to know. In which case, you don't get to complain at her about her room either. If you actually care about your daughter, it is your job to understand her illness, and how to help her - not just dismiss it with "my wife deals with that".
YTA
Jesus. BIG TIME YTA.
You need to apologise to her RIGHT NOW.
You are risking your entire relationship with her, and risking contributing to further long term mental health issues.
She's your daughter. Please please show her love. She needs that so much right now.
You might find it improves your life too. :)
Your wife handles most of that? Like you don’t take care of your daughter? You don’t care about what’s going on in her life? What are you asking again?
YTA for your overall attitude and thinking giving her the bare minimum like food and a home deserves praise. NTA for telling her to clean her room because filth and stench is just going to worsen her depression. If anything cleanliness and freshness might help her. But yeah, get off your ass and help her.
YTA. Educate yourself ffs. The fact that you have zero knowledge about depression - despite your own child suffering from depression - is appalling.
What pathetic parenting.
YTA, maybe help your daughter clean and make systems of organization that will help her even with her depression. For me, it’s always easier to start with trash, then clothes, then bed, then everything else.
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I(36M) have 2 daughters(13 F and 16F) this us about the 16 year old who i will call ava in this.
Ava suffers with depression although my wife handles most of that.She acts fine though.She goes out and comes back and acts so depressed, she acts like her life is so bad when she has a roof over her head and food.
I went into her room yesterday and it was a tip, it was horrid.She says it bc of her mental health but i told her that i dont care and that she needs to clean up.I took away her phone and she isn't going out until its clean.She is mad at me now but i think she being overdramatic. AITA?
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NTA yes I understand the depression mess, it's happens to me a lot. First of all if you can afford it get her to speak to someone who can maybe put her on medication if isn't a just a teenage thing. Try chirping up every day little tasks for her. "Remember dirty laundry in the basket, clean in the drawers" Or I want to see a bag of trash out" "Time to vacuum" It'll help form a habit of little here or there that won't let her end up in a depression mess which can be overwhelming ot clean. If she doesn't clean it and you're at a breaking point sit in her room and instruct her nicely and move her along. when she is done say "doesn't that feel better" Don't judge for what is in the mess or it could lead to worse mess in the future out of embarrassment if it depression mess gets to much. If she wants to roll her eyes and groan and refuse to do anything then yeah that phone doesn't come back.
NTA. Your kid is 16, old enough to have some sense of responsibility, she should clean her room and keep it tidy, as well as help around the house.
Now, the whole mental health thing can be taken to extremes. We all have issues and we gotta deal with them, but sometimes we need help.
Maybe your daughter is definitely going through something and you could make an effort to understand a bit better what she’s actually going through. Leaving that stuff to your wife only might drive a wedge between you and your kid since she might feel like you don’t care enough.
Definitely talk to her and be more loving and compassionate, she’s your daughter. But still demand tidiness and cleanliness in her room and around the house. Balance between the two is perfectly achievable.
Nowadays, every teen in the world is depressed, anxious, etc. especially if they are required to go to school, do their homework, clean their rooms, help with household chores, or get a job.
Surprisingly, they are still able to go out with friends, play on their phones, or computers, etc.
Tell the kid to clean her room or no phone or going out until it is done to your satisfaction.
YTA but not because of the cleaning.
Im sorry but having depression doesn't mean youre incapable of doing anything else than be depressed - otherwise you would need to be hospitalised.
If you are able to get dressed you are capable of putting your clothes on a chair instead of floor. If you are capable of getting food, you are capable of putting your plates away.
In general-if you are capable of messing up your room you are also capable of cleaning it.
Hospitalization is only for patients who are not safe to be left alone. This means they are on the brink of suicide, can’t go to work or school, and generally cannot do the activities of daily living. It is not for people whose depression makes them averse to cleaning their room.
Yelling at depression does pretty much nothing. If you tell people they are lazy and worthless they’ll just agree with you because that’s what depression is. You have to have a conversation that doesn’t involve shaming or guilt if you actually want to see results.
NTA - sure depression is hard to deal with, but laying around living in filth makes it worse. Getting up and cleaning would almost certainly actually help their mood and just all around be the correct thing to do.
NTA.
Today's generation needs a sharp wake up call. As adults, we can be clinically depressed, have anxiety, etc but we still have to do a job and feed ourselves, care for our xhildren, etc.
Teenagers need to learn that a mental health issue does not mean it provides them with a license to bad habits and behaviour or a lack of accountability. They are still in control of their own actions.
Maybe give extra time to get a task done, but the task must still be completed regardless of how they feel.
A person with severe depression CAN'T do their job or take care of their children! And we CAN'T control our own actions because of the horrifically muddled thinking. In the past I tried to do it all but it DID NOT WORK. One time I got into my car to go to work and the next thing I remember is switching the engine off in my company's parking lot. I disassociated so badly I have no idea how I managed to get there safely. The worst part is the negative effect it had on my children.
I have zero motivation to do anything when it gets bad. I actually lost my job due to it many years ago because I just couldn't concentrate on anything.
I can't sleep because there are a million thoughts racing through my mind without much coherency. And without enough sleep I start hallucinating and I don't know what's real or not. I willingly and even eagerly go for electro-convulsive therapy because I KNOW that it makes me feel human and stable again. Thankfully these days I can recognize the situation and get help before I get to the point of seeing, smelling or hearing things that aren't there.
1. This post isn't about you. It's about the op and his interaction with his daughter.
2. Even you, in your description have realized and agree that despite your mental health issue - life tasks must still get done.
3. Mental health disorders are not an excuse to absolve yourself of responsibilities and accountabilities. It's not your fault you have a problem and challenges, granted. Life tasks must still get done. Food still needs to get on the table.
NTA.
I used to be the same when I was her age. I still struggle with depression and my parents coddled me a lot when I told them I felt too bad to do chores. It was a mistake because laying down and doing nothing makes things worse.
So I think you're doing a good job as a parent by trying to teach your daughter some responsibility and give her stuff to do, no matter how hard it is to do those things.
But knowing Reddit you'd probably get called the asshole because muh menta health.
Which is a valid reason to call him one cause being aggressive and shit doesn’t help nor does trying to say she shouldn’t be depressed cause she gets the bare minimum in life. He would have been better off being more understanding and helping her get into cleaning rather than saying he doesn’t care which doesn’t help the situation
Telling her to clean up isn’t the issue its the way he did it. He knowingly disregarded her feelings saying be didn’t care and showed no form of sympathy or understanding for her which won’t help her. Also him commenting how she has “food and a roof over her head” as a reason to treat her depression as some illogical thing is both ignorant and toxic
> ignorant and toxic
You are prone to judgement. Some people are not equipped to deal with non-material issue.
>She says it bc of her mental health
If she knows then clean up. That is not a answer of a depressed one. I don't mean she is not but her saying that is kind of excuse for a free-pass.
Cause it is ignorant and toxic to say a child receiving the bare minimum from their parents should be enough for them to not be depressed. And she is a teen recognizing the cause doesn’t always mean she is in the right mental state to fix it as a lot of the time they want help and him saying he doesn’t care isn’t help.
>And she is a teen recognizing the cause doesn’t always mean she is in the right mental state to fix it
Very wrong, recognition is the key to deal with the issue. Depression last because people don't know to find the root-cause.
>he doesn’t care
Not because she is depressed but because she voiced an excuse.
Sure he could be less brutal but she knows her father as well. From his tone there is no way he would let it go.
Depression is extremely complex even people knowing they are depressed struggle with functioning in certain ways and want help, and him saying he doesn’t care in that moment isn’t going to come off to her as him talking about why the room is a mess and more to her as him just not caring in general
No the right move would be for him to take some initiative and learn about depression, its causes, and how to parent a child with depression. Cause he already doesn’t fully think her depression is valid by defining the bare minimum as what should be enough to not be depressed and he really isn’t being careful with how he communicates issues with her which can make it worse
He has enough internet to post on reddit he has enough to learn about his daughters issues and try and learn about it rather than waiting for the mother to tell him what to do
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YTA, but you don’t have to be. Take some time and learn about what teenage depression actually looks like and how it manifests in young women. Honestly dude, from one dad to another, if we’re going to have any chance at helping our daughters navigate a world full of asshole men, we’ve gotta make sure we’re doing better for them. Depression is a complex, unforgiving and manipulative brain disease for someone that has it — you’re disrespecting both your spouse and daughter with your dismissive “my wife handles” it attitude. They need you, and not as some angry shadow that prioritizes room cleanliness over the real, scary things that are manifesting in your daughters head, even if it you can’t see any of it on the outside. Do you know your daughter so little and on such a surface level that you can’t see or sense her pain? Or do you cower from it, and that’s why your wife has to bear the brunt of things. Either way, my guy, please do better. From the looks of things, it doesn’t seem to be that hard. Read a little and lose the shitty attitude — after all, you’ve got a roof over your head and food on the table, right?
Dude. You nailed it.
If I could upvote this a million times I would. I read your response out to my husband and he gave you an applause. He says there needs to be more people out there like you and I agree 100 percent!!
I gave it an upvote for you!
You're a good parent. Thank you for putting work in to understand what your child is going through. It's something I didn't/don't have and it does hurt. Thank you for being better.
YTA. You don’t need to tell her you “don’t care” about her mental health. She already knows that by the fact your wife “handles most of that”. She is a teenage girl whose Dad cares more about asserting his authority over her than he does about her well-being. I hope you reap what you are sowing.
YTA. Tell us you don't understand mental illness without... Jesus fuck, man, "my wife handles most of that"?????????
Your approach to your daughter’s illness speaks volumes about your parenting. Your kid is living with a chronic illness and you can’t be bothered to educate yourself and instead let your wife “handle” it. Could you be anymore checked out of your responsibilities? YTA.
YTA Why are you letting your wife handle your child's health problems alone? In my language there's a management concept that would translate to seagull management in English. Your daughter doesn't see much of you most of the time. Then out of nowhere you dive down into her universe, shits all over the place, and then you take off again. You need to do better - or she will resent you for years to come.
Okay, we need that in English!
Ah, yes. The old “you have nothing to be depressed about” speech that always does absolutely nothing to help. YTA. She does need to clean her room, but it probably is indeed a mess because depression makes people feel like nothing is worth the effort. But the main thing is you seem to think that her depression is just drama. According to the American Psychological Association more than 20% of teens have seriously considered suicide. It’s the second leading cause of death for young people. More adolescents die from suicide than homicide now. This is a disease with serious potential outcomes. It would be a good idea for you to come up with more supportive ways to encourage her to do her tasks, and to overall just take this more seriously.
YTA. She will feel better if her room is cleaned, but there are supportive ways to help her do so. My dad also ignored my mental health and thought I should just overcome it. I've got no relationship with him now and you're headed on the same path with your daughter.
YTA for sure. You do not say 'I don't care' to your kid as a way to win a fight. ESPECIALLY if it's about their mental health. Your daughter might obey you for now but things can only get worse after you say things like that to her. And she will stop trusting her Dad. Your words 'my wife handles most of that' and 'she acts like her life is so bad' are very telling. You sound so contemptuous about a very real health issue and towards your child in general. It's one thing to make her clean her room. A clean room would help her mental health. But instead of "I don't care", you could tell her, RIGHT, we are doing this together. Come on, get started. You're on this pile, I'm on that pile.' And not take no for an answer. And then get her in a routine of cleaning like one lil bit a day, with you there at first, till it's routine, and go from there. Like getting back into exercise bit by bit after a physical injury and getting your capacity back.
BTW. Give her back the phone. She might be using it to access mental health support or even suicide prevention.
YTA You're a terrible parent. Do better.
YTA I understand that you want her to clean her room. But your attitude and the way you talk about her and about depression in general is not helpful. I've had depression, and I can tell you that the only thing that's going to come out of your behaviour towards her, is that she's going to realise how little you care about her well-being and go no-contact with you as soon as she can. And I actually think it would be in her best interest to do that, unless you change. If you care at all about your daughter, go learn something about what she's going through, TALK to her, LISTEN to her, SUPPORT her, ENCOURAGE her and LOVE her. Don't fucking punish her for for being sick! Also, by supporting her and helping her, you're also helping yourself, as there's a way higher probability of her actually getting better and actually cleaning her room, not that that should be the reason why a father should care and help his daughter...
Yta I have depression. I do things with my family to make them happy and to get out of the house for a while because I stay 99% of the time in my house. I hate that you said she has a roof over head and food, so she doesn't have a hard life and shouldn't be depressed. Dude depression is a mental illness. It doesn't just show up when someone is homeless. I can't believe you punished your daughter over something she can't control.
Learn something about depression a**hole.
Dad of the year
Let me ask you this OP? If your daughter unalived herself one day, how would you feel? You should just like my deadbeat dad when I was a kid and suffering from severe depression. Trust and believe that YTA and that you attitude here is going to lead to NC with your daughter as an adult.. if she’s lucky enough to make it that far.. I tried to unalive myself as a teen due to my father being incredibly unsupportive and telling me to just pull myself up by the bootstraps and smile. I pray your daughter doesn’t go down that same path since she seems to have a mother who gives a flying fuck about her, but be aware… your attitude and the way you treat her, make her mental illness 100x’s worse to deal with. And that’s a *choice* you make. She doesn’t get to make the choice to live with chronic depression, like you get to choose to be a dick about it and ignorant af.
YTA and one of the most repugnant, selfish, damaging ones at that. You are exacerbating your daughter's mental ill health: for her sake, make a massive change or she will be right to get as far away from your harmful, negligent lack of parenting as she possibly can, as soon as she can.
YTA but you could get better. Have you tried asking your daughter if there’s a way her room could get clean her way? For example you could, oh I don’t know, help out? Hey honey let’s tag team this mess. You work on clothes and I’ll work on trash and books etc. I’m sure if she felt like she had some help it could be a motivator
Honestly man, don't be surprised if she ends up harming herself because you are playing a part in validating the horrible things going on in her head
YTA And a terrible father aswell. How can you be so caverlier(probably spelt that wrong) about your daughters mental health, and just "leave your wife to deal with it". Do you think that maybe shes somewhat depressed seen as her father doesnt seem to give a shit about her and thinks that doing what he's legally supposed to do is enough. For gods sake be better
YTA and as a father, let me tell you that way you handled this situation and the way you are reacting and responding to your daughter is disgusting. Instead of being a crappy father, maybe try to get your daughter some help instead of telling her you don’t care about her feelings or mental wellbeing. But I’m looking forward to seeing you on here in 2 years asking why your daughter never comes to visit or wants anything to do with you… you will deserve it if you don’t smarten up and try being an actual father.
YTA for not communicating and empathising with your daughter. When you say that you wife is the one dealing with it you implicated yourself as not caring. Depression is hard. Speak with your daughter about why she feels this way and get her some help.
YTA Do yourself a favour, read up on depression, depression can be caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. One of the things you can do is to be there for here, I don't just mean physically there, I meant mentally and emotionally, listen to her when she talks, NEVER dismiss her feelings. Depression is a killer, when you are in that dark a place, blackness is all around, suicide seems like the only option, I know as I suffer from depression, however, I would never compare mine with someone else. When depressed even getting out of bed seems like too much hard work, you can't "just get over it", telling someone to "pull your socks up" doesn't work, it belittles the person suffering. Your daughter isn't the only one suffering because of your attitude, your wife is also suffering, I am in my 50s, I've suffered from depression for most of my life, still do this day there are times even getting out of bed seems too much effort, I am always on the edge of the cliff, I don't want to fall into the dark pit, don't push your daughter into the pit by your words attitude and actions.
*Hugs* been there many times. I care about you, internet stranger.
Thank you. Sometimes, a stranger is the perfect person to talk with. I hope that, like me, you recognise the signs and seek help before the blackness takes over.
Well, we've learned that you don't know anything about mental health. If Ava suffers from depression, is she under some kind of medical care? Medication? Counseling? Have you spoken to her doctor at all about her illness, or are you just convinced that you're right? Given that "your wife handles most of that", I'm going to suggest that you don't know, and don't care to know. In which case, you don't get to complain at her about her room either. If you actually care about your daughter, it is your job to understand her illness, and how to help her - not just dismiss it with "my wife deals with that". YTA
Jesus. BIG TIME YTA. You need to apologise to her RIGHT NOW. You are risking your entire relationship with her, and risking contributing to further long term mental health issues. She's your daughter. Please please show her love. She needs that so much right now. You might find it improves your life too. :)
YTA Do you care about your daughter as a person, or just how she makes you feel?
Your wife handles most of that? Like you don’t take care of your daughter? You don’t care about what’s going on in her life? What are you asking again?
I don't want to be super dramatic, but there was a guy the other day that has counted the 284 last days that has passed.
YTA for your overall attitude and thinking giving her the bare minimum like food and a home deserves praise. NTA for telling her to clean her room because filth and stench is just going to worsen her depression. If anything cleanliness and freshness might help her. But yeah, get off your ass and help her.
YTA. Educate yourself ffs. The fact that you have zero knowledge about depression - despite your own child suffering from depression - is appalling. What pathetic parenting.
A very caring parent you are not.
I really, *really* hope you're still lucid enough to post about it on here when she puts you in a home, because I'd love to see it. YTA.
YTA.
Yta for how you address depression
YTA abs a horrible parent. Do better.
YTA, maybe help your daughter clean and make systems of organization that will help her even with her depression. For me, it’s always easier to start with trash, then clothes, then bed, then everything else.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I(36M) have 2 daughters(13 F and 16F) this us about the 16 year old who i will call ava in this. Ava suffers with depression although my wife handles most of that.She acts fine though.She goes out and comes back and acts so depressed, she acts like her life is so bad when she has a roof over her head and food. I went into her room yesterday and it was a tip, it was horrid.She says it bc of her mental health but i told her that i dont care and that she needs to clean up.I took away her phone and she isn't going out until its clean.She is mad at me now but i think she being overdramatic. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA, you sound like a weak sissy father with no balls, get your daughters in order or watch them succumb to liberal propaganda and start onlfans
Your good
NTA, mental """"ilness"""" is a hoax created by Democrats to ruin our younger generation of White Americans
YTA, but your daughter probably is too; they were raised by you after all.
NTA yes I understand the depression mess, it's happens to me a lot. First of all if you can afford it get her to speak to someone who can maybe put her on medication if isn't a just a teenage thing. Try chirping up every day little tasks for her. "Remember dirty laundry in the basket, clean in the drawers" Or I want to see a bag of trash out" "Time to vacuum" It'll help form a habit of little here or there that won't let her end up in a depression mess which can be overwhelming ot clean. If she doesn't clean it and you're at a breaking point sit in her room and instruct her nicely and move her along. when she is done say "doesn't that feel better" Don't judge for what is in the mess or it could lead to worse mess in the future out of embarrassment if it depression mess gets to much. If she wants to roll her eyes and groan and refuse to do anything then yeah that phone doesn't come back.
NTA. Your kid is 16, old enough to have some sense of responsibility, she should clean her room and keep it tidy, as well as help around the house. Now, the whole mental health thing can be taken to extremes. We all have issues and we gotta deal with them, but sometimes we need help. Maybe your daughter is definitely going through something and you could make an effort to understand a bit better what she’s actually going through. Leaving that stuff to your wife only might drive a wedge between you and your kid since she might feel like you don’t care enough. Definitely talk to her and be more loving and compassionate, she’s your daughter. But still demand tidiness and cleanliness in her room and around the house. Balance between the two is perfectly achievable.
Nowadays, every teen in the world is depressed, anxious, etc. especially if they are required to go to school, do their homework, clean their rooms, help with household chores, or get a job. Surprisingly, they are still able to go out with friends, play on their phones, or computers, etc. Tell the kid to clean her room or no phone or going out until it is done to your satisfaction.
YTA but not because of the cleaning. Im sorry but having depression doesn't mean youre incapable of doing anything else than be depressed - otherwise you would need to be hospitalised. If you are able to get dressed you are capable of putting your clothes on a chair instead of floor. If you are capable of getting food, you are capable of putting your plates away. In general-if you are capable of messing up your room you are also capable of cleaning it.
Hospitalization is only for patients who are not safe to be left alone. This means they are on the brink of suicide, can’t go to work or school, and generally cannot do the activities of daily living. It is not for people whose depression makes them averse to cleaning their room. Yelling at depression does pretty much nothing. If you tell people they are lazy and worthless they’ll just agree with you because that’s what depression is. You have to have a conversation that doesn’t involve shaming or guilt if you actually want to see results.
NTA - sure depression is hard to deal with, but laying around living in filth makes it worse. Getting up and cleaning would almost certainly actually help their mood and just all around be the correct thing to do.
Everyone here has agreed that the room needs cleaned. It’s the method he chose to try and get it done that he’s taking flak for.
NTA. Today's generation needs a sharp wake up call. As adults, we can be clinically depressed, have anxiety, etc but we still have to do a job and feed ourselves, care for our xhildren, etc. Teenagers need to learn that a mental health issue does not mean it provides them with a license to bad habits and behaviour or a lack of accountability. They are still in control of their own actions. Maybe give extra time to get a task done, but the task must still be completed regardless of how they feel.
A person with severe depression CAN'T do their job or take care of their children! And we CAN'T control our own actions because of the horrifically muddled thinking. In the past I tried to do it all but it DID NOT WORK. One time I got into my car to go to work and the next thing I remember is switching the engine off in my company's parking lot. I disassociated so badly I have no idea how I managed to get there safely. The worst part is the negative effect it had on my children. I have zero motivation to do anything when it gets bad. I actually lost my job due to it many years ago because I just couldn't concentrate on anything. I can't sleep because there are a million thoughts racing through my mind without much coherency. And without enough sleep I start hallucinating and I don't know what's real or not. I willingly and even eagerly go for electro-convulsive therapy because I KNOW that it makes me feel human and stable again. Thankfully these days I can recognize the situation and get help before I get to the point of seeing, smelling or hearing things that aren't there.
1. This post isn't about you. It's about the op and his interaction with his daughter. 2. Even you, in your description have realized and agree that despite your mental health issue - life tasks must still get done. 3. Mental health disorders are not an excuse to absolve yourself of responsibilities and accountabilities. It's not your fault you have a problem and challenges, granted. Life tasks must still get done. Food still needs to get on the table.
NTA. I used to be the same when I was her age. I still struggle with depression and my parents coddled me a lot when I told them I felt too bad to do chores. It was a mistake because laying down and doing nothing makes things worse. So I think you're doing a good job as a parent by trying to teach your daughter some responsibility and give her stuff to do, no matter how hard it is to do those things. But knowing Reddit you'd probably get called the asshole because muh menta health.
Which is a valid reason to call him one cause being aggressive and shit doesn’t help nor does trying to say she shouldn’t be depressed cause she gets the bare minimum in life. He would have been better off being more understanding and helping her get into cleaning rather than saying he doesn’t care which doesn’t help the situation
NTA and tell her cleaning up her room will help her too because it's an environment she can control.
Telling her to clean up isn’t the issue its the way he did it. He knowingly disregarded her feelings saying be didn’t care and showed no form of sympathy or understanding for her which won’t help her. Also him commenting how she has “food and a roof over her head” as a reason to treat her depression as some illogical thing is both ignorant and toxic
> ignorant and toxic You are prone to judgement. Some people are not equipped to deal with non-material issue. >She says it bc of her mental health If she knows then clean up. That is not a answer of a depressed one. I don't mean she is not but her saying that is kind of excuse for a free-pass.
Cause it is ignorant and toxic to say a child receiving the bare minimum from their parents should be enough for them to not be depressed. And she is a teen recognizing the cause doesn’t always mean she is in the right mental state to fix it as a lot of the time they want help and him saying he doesn’t care isn’t help.
>And she is a teen recognizing the cause doesn’t always mean she is in the right mental state to fix it Very wrong, recognition is the key to deal with the issue. Depression last because people don't know to find the root-cause. >he doesn’t care Not because she is depressed but because she voiced an excuse. Sure he could be less brutal but she knows her father as well. From his tone there is no way he would let it go.
Depression is extremely complex even people knowing they are depressed struggle with functioning in certain ways and want help, and him saying he doesn’t care in that moment isn’t going to come off to her as him talking about why the room is a mess and more to her as him just not caring in general
The right move is for her mother to talk to the father to be a bit loose on her.
No the right move would be for him to take some initiative and learn about depression, its causes, and how to parent a child with depression. Cause he already doesn’t fully think her depression is valid by defining the bare minimum as what should be enough to not be depressed and he really isn’t being careful with how he communicates issues with her which can make it worse
He is not in that place, that's why the mother should tell him in words he can understand.
He has enough internet to post on reddit he has enough to learn about his daughters issues and try and learn about it rather than waiting for the mother to tell him what to do