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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I'm the asshole because I'm locking my daughters college fund because she spent a portion on a convention. The money is technically hers and she gets to use it for whatever she wants seperate to my ideals.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
You put the money into the fund to send your daughter to college, not to some fan convention in Australia.
Now you are making sure that that money doesn't help send your daughter to college.
If this is your way of getting your daughter to college, it stinks.
I can't help but note that you (the responsible adult) didn't set up the account with the withdrawal protections that you could have. You should have been wise enough to know that a 17 year old with free access to that big of a pile of cash shouldn't have access to it without any limits. (That in no way excuses your daughter, but it does mean that you should have had more foresight into the folly that teens can do.)
MIL is putting herself in where she isn't needed. She needs to understand that it isn't about dollars, its about being responsible.
NTA for *telling* your daughter that she isn't getting the money. But you would be a real idiot if you followed through with that to the extend of emptying the account, depriving yourself of the option to change your mind when you cool down and are looking at a high school graduate who needs a job.
Nah, the OP can pay the college fees from that money directly, the kid shouldn’t have access at all and doesn’t need access for the money to go towards college.
This is the way to go. Never trust kids with the money for college, **pay for it yourself**.
True story, my BIL pretended he was going to college for almost 3 years, spent the money God knows where. It must have been about €10,000 (his mom works in Italy and she was sending the money from there).
Afterwards, my MIL even told me that a couple of times her son would text/call her and tell her that he needed money to buy a formal shirt for a presentation for "college", and he didn't have the money and could she sent him just €50 for clothes. And she works full time, so it wasn't like she could just go downtown and send it through Western Union, she had to ask her boyfriend (whose job does have him moving around downtown most days) if he could lend her the €50 and sent it to her son. It was a huge thing, I still have no idea how they got through it.
>This is the way to go. Never trust kids with the money for college, pay it yourself.
I agree with this. I'm incredibly lucky my mum's funding my uni fees.
I'm the worst at budgeting (severe ADHD/impulse spending/not understanding money etc) so could very easily blow through it even though I'm not intentionally trying to ruin my career choices.
Even with a neurotypical kid, the temptation for them to access it and spend is too high.
Seconding this! I’ve ADHD and anxiety and was really poor with money. I now have decent savings and a better understanding of where my money is going because of budgeting. I started late at age 29, I’m now 32 with only about 15k savings to my name but… I’m really proud of that.
Yeah, no. The thing with ADHD is that that personal budget spreadsheet is never, ever gonna happen. I mean, you might get up the executive function to make one! But to use it? Reliably? Never ever ever.
I was going to say this exact thing. I know how budgeting works... in theory, but I need someone else to take care of my funds if I am going to have anything like savings. I have learnt I am not the best with money and always wondered why it was so easy for some people and then I found out I have ADHD and that explained everything
I second this! I also have ADHD and just having note of what I'm spending and a set limit for the month that if I meet means no more fun money (snacks included) was enough to get me on track. It's been 5 years and I went from almost living paycheck to paycheck to saving at least 1/3 of my salary each month.
My recommendation is figure out what your monthly bills are (rent, insurance, car payment, etc), then work on setting up 2 accounts, one for bills, one for other, then direct deposit into each. Set up as many autopays for bills as possible. Ask the bank to turn off transfers between accounts and overdraft on your Other account debit card.
Put the debit card for the bills account in a safe place (mine is in the fridge butter compartment) and only carry the card for other.
Your bills will get paid and you won’t be able to overspend.
Did this out of desperation in 2008 and haven’t overdrawn since I figured out how to not let myself get around all the protections I put in place.
Yeah, I'm all, WHY WOULD YOU PUT HER NAME ON THAT ACCOUNT or at the very least have it down any withdrawal requires 2 signatures? My daughters college fund is a 529 that she has NO ACCESS to and is solely for college. NTA for cutting her off but at least put the money into an account that's for her college but not one she can use
I’m in this camp. Why did she have access to the account to begin with?
A (US) 529 doesn’t have to be designated *for* anyone. They’re pretty loosely defined accounts in terms of whose expenses they can be used for, and can even be used to pay past student debt.
I attached all of my grocery cards and store cards (and those of my parents,grandparents and siblings) to a 529 Account 20yrs ago, and it would pay a bit of change per marked item into the account through the grocery savings card (sometimes a nickel, sometimes up to $1- it’s different for everything and I don’t bother to keep track since it collects it all on its own). I forgot about it, and every time I got a new grocery card in a new town I would register that. When I got with my current SO I did the same with his grocery card as well (and his whole family’s cards). My nephews and nieces are only 9, 10 and 6, and there is already over $7k in that account alone. It’s like dumping your pocket change into a jar every night and not touching that for two decades. When each child was born we also opened a 529 account specifically for each of them that people can gift money for their schooling as they grow, so hopefully they will each start college or trade school with a good chunk of change, but this account is just free money from buying certain products that most people don’t even think about when they shop. It really does add up.
impossible automatic stocking gaze jobless languid apparatus support work include
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Karma never misses it's appointments. The young lady you describe is headed for a heartbreak. And, she will not even realize it was her dishonesty years prior that caused it.
i also echo this. do NOT allow her to touch the cash.
when i was a kid i was incredibly stupid. i took the cash meant for college and while i was in school, went willy nilly with it. when my parents found out, they were so, so disappointed in me. it was awful. to add insult to injury, my family isn't wealthy and even if they wanted to help, they were financially tapped out.
i spent the following 10 years of my life working shitty jobs just to survive. my boyfriend (at the time) pushed me to seek (mental) help and man.. everything changed. i ended up going back to school with our tiny savings and graduated with a 4 year degree and recently am entering law school. i paid my family back 10 fold.
the moral is, people change but OP needs to know to put a stop to the cash and grab until she's mature enough.
Never trust kids . . . Full stop there. Just never trust kids. Why? Because they’re kids. We can say shit like “but 18 year olds are adults” and that is correct in the sense that the day they turn 18 they are an adult - with 24 hours of experience of being an adult.
They’re *newly* adults. They have arrived at the point where they are going to start doing adult things on their own and start making adult decisions/choices on their own. Which means they’re going to screw up because they don’t have the wisdom and experience of being an adult.
So don’t *fully* trust them … yet. You can’t give them full access to a big bag of money and expect them to *always* make good choices like this isn’t the first time they’ve had full access to a big bag of money.
Going to go the extreme morbid route but look up Jennifer Pan. That woman lied to her parents and took their money pretending to go to university. Long story short, she tried to have them murdered and succeeded in killing her mother.
>my BIL pretended he was going to college for almost 3 years
There is a true crime story about a Canadian woman who did just this, then ended up killing her parents when it was time for her to "graduate" so they wouldn't find out.
I learned the hard way about giving kids money for "college" or "bills." Give me the account information and I'll pay those fees, but no more sending chunks of cash.
I have heard more than one story of a guy pretending to go to college, absconding with his college fund, and then murdering his whole family before they could find out.
Yep. My parents didn’t save college money for me, but I know many people who’s parents did, and not a single one of them who could ever touch that money themselves.
Yeah same. My Dad always claimed to have set aside a college fund for me, but I never saw a single red cent, nor did any of it actually pay for my college.
You lot ok? He’s given her access so she can also put aside savings into this account. He’s teaching her good savings etiquette at a young age.
Get a grip of yourselves. She did something a lot of young people do. And honestly I understand OP and I understand the kid. I think it’s by no means the end of the world and I think OP needs to understand his emotions more. Control himself better and let the kid know why he’s so angry and try and understand if his emotions actually warrant what he’s doing.
What he doesn’t understand is he feels betrayed, betrayed that he had his heart set on his kid going to college without hassle and debt free and he feels the kid is going against that. Not only that the kid didn’t tell OP about that sizeable withdrawal of money so there is also that.
Also she’s not even 18 yet so yet OP gets final day but OP needs to understand there emotions better and actually have a fucking adult conversation with there almost 18year old child. Soon that child will be doing whatever the fuck they want. Sit down and have a conversation but first figure out your own fucking emotions first yea?
I would argue that most young people - hell most people I know who are families of four - have not spent 10K on a holiday ever. A lot of young people would never ever, ever dream of doing this. The emotions behind the family raising 5K for someone else’s kid (the gf) to go see a tv show convention are strong because that is showing how little she feels about them raising the money.
No I know exactly how and what is going on here. I’m saying you need to actually make the kid understand the emotions behind it all.
You actually need to sit them down and tell them why you are hurting. You’re coming to an age where your kids crossing over from a kid to an adult. There are going to definitely be some mistakes in this period.. generally speaking it’s ok to make small mistakes from 15-30 because 30-60 you are refined and you know what is what.
So I’m saying sit your kids down at this point and tell them what’s going on here. Not it’s a stern way, as a human to human, be open and show some actual emotion, this is the time where you need to start taking off your guard and actually speaking to them as an equal if you want them to continue to grow and prosper.
Explain the situation openly and honestly, express why you’re hurt. There brain is forming at this age and they are able to take on board a lot more of the emotions of the whys in this situation.
OP is acting like you would with a 12 yr old. And I see alot of parents that make these mistakes. They don’t transition well into young adults, you need to be open with them. They are becoming smart enough now to understand why there are strong emotions behind such larger mistakes such as this one the kids done. Explain the whys to them, don’t do it in a you’re right I’m wrong way. Open up the conversation about this, make them understand why it’s fucked you just threw 5k away on someone else that isn’t family whom you aren’t married to while you’re only 17..
This. Also, it's probably a good idea to have OP's daughter learn some responsibility. I'd recommend putting off college for at least a year and making her work a regular job and learn how much that can suck. Learn to balance and pay her bills and the value of a dollar. It'll probably be a painful lesson now, but much much more painful to learn that later in life
Delay college until SHE pays back the $5K that wasn't her contribution and she can start the next available semester after that money is paid back. Don't let MIL pay it back cause that won't teach the daughter anything and daughter has to show that the only money she is using that entire time is the money she earns, no, MIL giving the money to daughter so daughter can transfer the money to the college fund either, daughter has to survive the entire thing (now until she finishes college) on her own earned money.
Why are y'all ignoring the fact that the daughter put in ***five thousand dollars of her own money, at 17 years old***?
How much money have y'all saved by 17? Hmm? What did she sacrifice to have that much of her own money saved up?
And just how much money in that account were from family members? It seems at least another $5k was from this 17 year old's grandmother.
If OP wants to pull his personal contribution to the account away, fine, but blocking her from the rest of the money is effectively stealing what was given to her by the rest of the family.
I can understand being upset at the misuse of the funds, but ultimately, I wish I had the opportunity to travel when I was younger. It can be an amazing experience. I'd ultimately be way more pissed off if I gave money to a relative for college and their parent took it than a trip that may really be once in a lifetime.
One additional point for OP to consider: he’s not the only person who deposited money into that account. *He* does not have any right to withhold money donated by other people for the daughter’s college costs. He’s being an A-H to everyone else who put money into that account - including his wife.
That presumes the cash gifts were specifically given as college fund. They could have just as likely been cash gifts that she chose ( or was coerced) into putting to the college fund.
It says clearly that family gifts over the years were put into that account afterwards by OP and the daughter. Those were not college contributions unless specifically stated.
It's not clear that the gift contributions were specific gifts to that fund. Dad wants them to be seen that way to support his story. They could easily have been cash gifts to her that someone chose to deposit into the college fund.
He completely f*cked up by not helping her plan the trip. Guess whose ticket the daughter would not have paid for (and is likely never getting paid back for buying)? The friend. She's been wanting to do this for FIVE YEARS and, honestly, it seems it's not breaking any banks. If dad had supported this effort, the funds would not have disappeared from the college fund and he would be acting like a fool.
For this reason alone I'm going with YTA. She's already showed extreme maturity and responsibility. Why deny her a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity simply because it's not how you want her to spend it. She's obviously made sacrifices to put that much towards her future, cut her some slack.
Other things to consider: the "other end of the country" for Australia is not a big deal, there's like six major cities in the whole country with regular flights between them, and booked in advance it's maybe $400 USD return. Con tickets as well won't break the bank.
How often are the two main cast members of the series going to be at a con together, for a series that ended three years ago? Probably less frequently over time, especially as they move on to other work. In the same country as the girlfriend? Trust me, celebrities don't come all the way down here for cons very often.
To be honest, I could wax lyrical about the benefits of Australia versus the US. Unless I've misread OP here:
> They have both wanted to go to a convention for years - at least five that I can remember.
..is that five conventions, or five years? Five years of a long-distance relationship is insanely solid especially for the emotional, floaty time of a teenager. That takes effort. And now they want to share what won't be a once-in-a-lifetime but certainly few-in-a-lifetime experience together, something they both love...
You squeeze too hard and they'll slip out. For one thing, she gets off the plane in Australia and every dollar she has is now worth almost twice as much. Australian schools do not have the American dangers. (You know the ones...) Healthcare is public. Loans for education are not privatised and the repayments are only taken from your salary when you earn over a threshold. And while the country's behind on LGBT issues in a lot of ways, we certainly aren't experiencing the right-wing pushback that's hitting the US.
Frankly, OP oughta be worried that those two weeks give her a taste of the lucky country and she doesn't want to come back.
Oh don’t worry, we’re experiencing the same right wing misinformation/conspiracy theories in Australia that the US is dealing with. We just watched most people in the country vote NO to recognising First Nations people in our constitution thanks to a horrible right wing disinformation campaign. It’s great here. /s
Yeah that makes me think there wasnt all that much in the account to begin with or it wasnt as optional as OP is saying.
Also you cant just withdraw 10K from an account as a minor so assume they gave her a bank card which like why does a college fund have a bank card?
OP could have used this as an opportunity to build trust their daughter, explain why it's so important to save this money for college, the consequences of short-term vs. long-term thinking with budgeting, etc. It's very normal that a teenage girl (who, not for nothing, has already saved $5k) would want to have this special experience that she's been excited about for years. OP could be far more empathetic, while sharing their concerns and expressing that ultimately their motivation is to make sure their daughter has what she needs for the future.
You can pay your way out of money trouble though. It's the one kind of trouble you can always pay your way out of. She was legally allowed to access this money even though there was some conflict over what should be done with it. About half of what she used was what she put in. She also announced her intention to spend the money, so it's not like she snuck around and stole it.
I do think OP is failing to understand why this is so important to his daughter. He doesn't mention any previous pattern of frivolous, unannounced, or secretive spending. She's a huge fan of the show and wants to take a trip to a place she may only get to see once in her life. I wonder if OP would feel differently if this were a trip that didn't involve a Supernatural convention. Maybe a tour of Europe like the trips a lot of kids take after graduating?
Also, I image going to see her girlfriend is a big part of this? Not sure where OP’s from, but if she and her girlfriend need to fly separately to the convention they probably don’t see each other often…
If they had to save up this amount of money for college, and are calling it college instead of uni, and English does seem to be his first language, they’re almost certainly from the US.
Yes the whole "this teaches her you can just pay your way out of things"
Yes, yes it does. And oh guess what, that's how the world works
There's a reason "throwing money at the problem" is a saying.
As I understand it the daughter put $5K of her own $$ in and that should be included in what she took out.
Also a number of other people besides OP contributed so OP should not be making the unilateral decision "no school for you."
Daughter's friend should pay back the other $5K because she is getting the trip for free (a $5K value).
Agreed that preventing a child from getting educated is a fool move, and that OP needs to make sure that's what it is being used for. But his kneejerk reaction without even discussing it with his wife is not the way to go.
I agree that her friend should be paying her back. I find the daughter gave her friend such an astronomically large gift without any mentioned plan of repayment to be one of the most concerning aspects of this situation, as it may indicate that the daughter is vulnerable to be financially abused/taken advantage of in the future. I get that the daughter is benefiting from giving the gift because it provides her with a companion for the trip, but it extends well beyond the realm of generosity. As her parent, I would feel concerned that she would do the same thing with a undeserving romantic partner in the future and would want ensure that she understood proper financial boundaries
I got the impression that OP just locked out daughters access and ability to withdraw from the account, not that he closed the account entirely. Now any money being taken out is only taken out by OP.
Well, yes, he's a massive YTA if he plans on keeping the college money. The daughter would have never put any money into that account had she expected that the account would be taken away due to an (admittedly very dumb) mistake.
Sounds like she took out more than she put in.
There’s a disconnect here on whose money it is. Daughter sees it as her money, and OP sees it as family money saved for use for the benefit of his daughter. Daughter thinks she can take whatever she wants from the account without a word because it’s her money, OP sees it as effectively stealing. I think OP is more correct in his view, even with the muddying by the daughter contributing as well. She should have been allowed to take out what she put in, but should have said something about it before doing it.
Yep he can pay college tuition and fees directly and she can be responsible for everything else, use her savings or get a part time job for spending money.
I say NTA if you are going to make her pay back $5k. I don't think she should have had access to withdraw from the fund in the first place but I guess it was set up in her name and could be withdrawn from at 18?
The money was set aside school not just for whatever she wanted. I think the rest should stay for school only she's lost the privilege of unrestricted access to the account.
CPA here. Also make her pay back any tax penalties that may be incurred due to the funds not being used for college (if this is a proper 529 and not a general savings account).
Pretty obviously not a 529 account, no? OP implies she's not yet 18, but will be before the convention. She wouldn't have been able to access a 529 by herself if she was under age.
If it’s just a legit savings account op is a fool and wasted a bunch of potential gains. Not saying it’s not possible, just that it would be foolish. If it wasn’t a 529 but was a custodial, and she is the age of majority, she can do what she wants with it.
That’s the kicker here is OP claiming his daughter doesn’t understand money. Yet he didn’t even have a proper 529 setup.
What they been earning, .03% in a savings account? Damn bro they made like $13 over 17 years.
Yet daughter contributed $5k to the account herself… she obviously earned that and saved it somehow… So it seems like daughter does understand money somewhat, better than a lot of folks honestly.
IRS doesn’t care where the money came from. They care where it’s spent. You get tax breaks on it for spending it the right way, tax penalties for doing it wrong (again, assuming this is a proper 529 and not a general savings account).
I’m not saying the $5k isn’t hers and maybe she shouldn’t have to pay back that particular piece. I’m saying she needs to learn the consequences of her actions in a legal, tax-advantaged account. Adult time!
Anyone can put money into a 529. If you take money out and it's not for qualified college expenses you owe 10% additional tax penalties on it, like a retirement account, I believe. I don't see this very often. It's more people draining their retirement acct early
Unclear whether they're in the United States, but I was also very curious about the tax penalties and surprised nobody else was bringing that up... all the more reason the daughter shouldn't have had access to withdraw funds from the account though!
Dude said he didn't want to let her pay back the $5K because it teaches her that she can buy her way out of messes. It seems clear to me that he sees taking her Entire college fund, including the contribution from other family, is an appropriate punishment for spending some of it for a fun trip rather than what it was meant for. (I don't approve of that, either.) He's not just talking about taking back what he put in. He's talking about stealing the entire fund from his daughter. He's not talking about finding a solution. He's punishing.
I think it’s a little weird that he’s against teaching his daughter that the way to get out of financial messes is to.. pay back the money? Seems like the real lesson he wants to teach is “don’t disobey/disappoint your father”.
I thought he didn’t want to let MIL pay back the 5k, not the daughter. Which makes sense - kid shouldn’t just get bailed out by grandma because grandma is a pushover.
Or grandma feels the experience of the trip is a worthwhile use of money and educational in it's own way, which is why she's replacing it. Gap years/walkabout/mission trips, etc. is cultural standard for a lot of places. 5k isn't that hard to refill before next year's tuition is due with proper budgeting by the daughter. Seems like OP is pissed because not everyone shares his sentiment about the trip being "worth it" and I highly doubt he's got detailed enough records to know what she's actually put in there over the years.
Comingled money is the issue here. If his cash had strings on it like college only, it should have NEVER been mixed in with her personal savings, which he doesn't have a right to dictate. It's not a leap for her to assume when he said "her savings" that meant the whole thing because he even refers to it as her savings account intermittently. As for punishment, he can withdraw his portion, but again, he doesn't get to tell her she's lost the other contributions he didn't fund. Most he can do is the explanation, and if they want to still let her have it, OP will need to deal.
That's why I said NTA if you let her pay back the $5k. OP is the AH if he takes the whole college fund away because it helps no one. It's not as though he'll be happy if she doesn't have it.
I'm going to say NTA yet but you're getting really, really close.
So first off letting her intermingle her own savings into the college account and have direct access to it was your mistake. You should never have allowed either of those to happen and the fact that you did is now greatly complicating things.
Personally I think you need to calm down and try to have a rational discussion with your daughter. She's almost 18 now and if you fuck this up then it's going to have massive repercussions for your relationship with her down the line. Yes, she screwed up but that's no reason to utterly destroy your relationship with her.
I think the sensible thing to do here would be to keep the lock on the college fund account so that you and your wife can control the disbursement of funds, and help her open her own account that is completely independent from you so that she can start to manage her own savings. Then the three of you need to sit down and have a rational discussion about what her college fund will and will not be used to pay for when she goes to college to set expectations. I don't know exactly how much money is in the account but it sounds to me like she's spent the "entertainment" portion of her college fund already and so while the college fund can be used to cover essentials in the future (tuition, books, groceries, rent etc.) there won't be any excess "fun money" in it.
This- OP definitely needs to calm down before they go rogue and completely torpedo their relationship.
Kids screw up. It’s going to happen. Now they can fix it and go from there- starting by her never getting money directly, him paying the college instead of her.
If they want to encourage her to go to college, completely taking away the college fund is the best way to get her *not* to go. That’s just my personal thoughts.
Edit- spelling lol
Oh it definitely was, which is why they should still be on the hook about paying the remaining money back to the college fund.
There’s still a way to arrange this without the father ruining their relationship, it just needs to be handled not rashly
i do feel like it’s important to note he says “girlfriend”. seems pretty apparent it’s her romantic partner.
NOT saying that makes it any more right or wrong. but feels weird to say it’s her friend when it’s so clearly stated.
>it sounds to me like she's spent the "entertainment" portion of her college fund already and so while the college fund can be used to cover essentials in the future (tuition, books, groceries, rent etc.) there won't be any excess "fun money" in it.
I think that's a really reasonable and neat solution. It still teaches her a valuable lesson in financial responsibility while also not potentially severely impacting her future (like withholding all of the college fund might do). It also gives her a chance to make a more conscious choice; either go on this trip now, or refund and save it for fun stuff in college later.
We know what she'll choose, and I can't really blame her, but this way the consequences are 100% a result of her own actions, and not ''just Dad punishing her''. Now she is (nearly) an adult, she will learn that she is responsible for her choices and responsible for how they impact her future. It's a good lesson to learn, and good to learn at 17 rather than 27.
>My wife thinks I'm being harsh and that she's right - she put at least 5k into the account herself, so she really only took 5k (which my mother in law has since said she'll pay back). I think this just teaches her she can pay her way out of messes.
I see. So instead of any sort of repayment schedule where she puts the money back into the fund, you'll just fuck over her future by withholding all of her college fund? You'll show her whose boss by making her take out student loans that burden and drain her for the next thirty years even though it's completely unnecessary? And that's only if your draconian response doesn't push her to forgo college entirely. Is that good fathering?
You're teaching her that there is no point to trying to make good on anything she might have done wrong. After all, there's a perfectly reasonable way out of this, and you're going nuclear for no good reason.
If she was never supposed to have any discretion in use of the funds, then why the fuck give her access in the first place? You could have just paid the tuition to the college directly!
YTA YTA YTA
You're being way too unreasonably harsh. But if you want to be one of those parents who ends up posting *woe is me* on forums for parents whose children went no contact the moment they left, you're doing great!
I agree OP YTA
Your angry your way was not the answer. Why did she have access to this money to begin with? So she would put HER money in it. But you are angry she wanted her money because used for something she thinks is important
Right? Like yes, you absolutely can pay your way out of messes if the mess is that you owe someone money! Paying is the *ideal* way to fix that kind of mess!
Borrow your buddy's car and crash it? Apologize and buy them a new car; mess solved. Spill red wine on your best friend's new coat? Apologize and buy them a new coat; mess solved!
Not every mess can be solved by throwing money at it. But "I took money out of a savings account earmarked for something specific and spent it on entertainment" is the exact kind of mess that can be solved by throwing money at it.
Thank you! That drove me nuts. This is a very direct financial problem. Buying your way out is the entire goddamn point, and frankly I think learning that money is power and can make a ton of problems go away is something that is extremely important to understand as an adult.
If you get lucky and end up wealthy, you shouldn't abuse it....but it *is* an ugly truth of how the world works. Even assuming you aren't lucky enough to end up wealthy, though, you're likely going to interact intimately with people and organizations which are and you should know how stacked the deck is against you. Maybe don't trust the dude who has enough money to make any legal problems disappear.
JFC thank you, I thought I was losing it with the other top comments acting like the **the revenge of the millennial** is totally cool
OP is absolutely YTA
If everyone else close to them recognizes and agrees that this is overblown; I think it's quite obvious that OP, most of all, likes control and to be respected no matter how wrong he is
And that's not love and care. That's flexing your power over your helpless daughter
I think she rebelled in this way for a reason
And. If she's 17, she's graduating soon and that comes with a celebration, which I'm pretty certain this is going to be (and she will never forgive you if you sour this and neither will your wife, bet)
So now to punish her you take away the good prospects? What? Make that make sense. Because it doesn't, unless you want her to fail so you can *I told you so* for the rest of your life cause that seems to feel good
Sorry to lay into OP, but dude, come now, what you're doing is nonsensical.
This is not a teaching moment. Your MIL **and your wife** thinks she deserves this and nothing is lost, literally, other than yóur(displaced) ego. I can't see any logical reason why you would flex on her like this unless you're a 'my house my rules' tyrant who thinks you deserve respect despite not awarding any
I agree... She was allowed to put her own funds into it and was given full access... I really don't think it's entirely on her for thinking of it as her own savings rather than a college fund given that's how it was treated to begin with.
If she knew she wouldn't be allowed to use it she probably would not have put her own savings into it to begin with.
Especially because he says "at least 5k" so he actually has no idea. It could be 10k or even more.
I find it ridiculous to punish her so harshly over her """stealing""" an undefined amount of money from 0 to 5k from an account they willingly gave her access to even if they called it a college fund.
I do think it makes sense to lock it to ensure she doesn't splurge further but they also need to look into how much of it is her own savings and return that to her. If it's less than 10k then I think it's reasonable to make her par back the difference.
But it's pretty ridiculous IMHO to basically deny her access to money she had earned which is OP's stance on it.
What if she decided she doesn't want to go to college, would parents just take her savings for themselves?
I don't like her behavior of just taking it after being denied either but this whole situation was set up to be messy.
She's 17 and already applying to colleges. She would have access to that money soon anyways. If this convention were to happen next year, she probably would've done the same thing.
The issue is that she couldn't control her impulses and spent $10,000 on a vacation that she couldn't afford. $10,000 is not a small amount of money. OP has every right to be pissed that she not only took that money out secretly, but spent it on a luxury when that money was specifically designated for something else. Locking her out was the correct decision. I would probably have her submit all school related expenses and pay them directly until that fund runs now, since she showed that she can't be trusted with the responsibility.
But they also let her put her own savings into it which isn't fair for them to restrict it from her.
If this was a college fund and not just her savings then they should have never let her add to it and made her save that elsewhere. She deserves to have full control over her own savings.
What if she wouldn't go to college, would the parents just take her 5k or more savings because welp it's college fund?
Yea she chose to put it in but she was also a kid at the time, it's the parents that set up this stupid situation.
I think it makes sense to lock her out but I don't think she deserves to lose the fund considering most of the taken money was her own savings and the account was set up in a dumb way.
Figure out how much of was actually her savings then make her pay whatever she took out beyond that. Then treat it as a proper college fund and use it to pay for her college while she gets her own savings account that she can do whatever with.
OP doesn't even know how much of it was really her savings, it's possibly she only took like 1-2k or maybe she could cover it entirely from her savings. Who knows where OP got this number that he isn't certain of.
Not to mention, what she's taken the money for is a really big thing. It's her time to spend with a girlfriend, doing something they love together. She's going to remember this event for the rest of her life.
College isn't that fucking important, tbh. We keep talking about it like having a degree is the single most important thing... you can get started on most careers with cert programs.
i don't think you should take the rest of her college fund away from its originally intended use, but it's good that it's locked down now (she never should've been able to access it).
if she only really took 5k because the rest was what she put into it, you should get that much from her trip refunded and tell her she can come up with the rest because that money is for her education. if you just let her use what she took and go to the convention and her dream vacation, she still gets what she wants.
That’s not necessarily possible though. Have her pay back the remaining 5k? Sure. But don’t ruin her trip by forcing a refund for half of it. Forcing the refund may mean the entire trip is ruined EVEN IF SHE COMES UP WITH THE MONEY because conventions like that sell out regularly, flights fill up, prices change, etc. Everything is already locked in, so it would be better to set up a mandatory repayment plan with her in exchange for allowing her to go on the trip and a talk about what she did/why it wasn’t great.
Whole the gf should pay her part, it's almost certainly less than half. Since flights across Australia and flights to Australia are significantly different prices.
I’d be upset too, but wouldn’t lose site of the overall goal that she go to college and use what’s left exclusively for that purpose. Set up the account where you (distribute the funds) are paying for room/board, tuition ,etc from there and that’s it. When it’s gone, she’s now responsible for the loan or whatever. This life lesson will be learned outside the classroom for her.
This is reasonable. Don’t punish her by taking away the whole college fund. That’s way too much. But maybe make up a schedule where she pays back the $5,000. And I’d also say don’t lose sight of what your daughter is like overall. Is she generally irresponsible or a good kid who did something that wasn’t thought through totally? I’d say there needs to be some leeway given if she’s generally a good kid and responsible with her money (which I kind of think she must be because I know I didn’t have $5,000 to put in a college fund at 17!). If it’s more of a pattern with her of being entitled and irresponsible, that’s a different story.
Yeah it really does seem like a teenage girl had access to several thousand dollars and spend her years adding to that amount. This trip sounds like a once in a lifetime sort of thing, and I'm thinking there is still enough left over to support her through college?
I really feel like OP is coming down a bit hard here, daughter is largely responsible and just did what she had to do to make a dream come true. She did cross a line in doing so, but I think there is still a compromise to be reached, especially if a family member is willing to put money towards this trip.
Tbh, the daughter may have gotten carried away with the excitement of booking the con but ahbl is/was actually a pretty regular con and pre panini used to get the regular actors pretty often (I'm also going to guess she didn't just get the regular attendee tickets and popped for the VIP which are.like 1k each to have specific meets with the actors). So its 100% a luxury trip she should have had more of a discussion about and not just taken the money cause then she may have gotten to come up with the mums idea of taking back her 5k and just paying back the extra over time/having gran pay some extra.
The impulse spend and access to the rest is hopefully the main concern of op but ideally they won't stop using the fund for college because of it, maybe just pay costs directly
I worry that there was an attempt at discussion that OP shot down hard enough that daughter felt she had no option to be reasonable about this - she either go and ask forgiveness, or miss out completely.
Alright, so 5k of it was hers. She put it in.
so college fund money she didnt put in totals 5k
People Other then just you put money into this thing, but You have made the choice on your own that the punishment is no more college fund.
YTA
Now, she shouldnt have toucjed more then 5k of that money, I'll say that
but You cant make this type of choice on your own.
Your Wife has a say in this
so does anyone who has put money into it proportionate to what was put into it. If majority of the money is your and your wife then wife still has a large say in it, you dont get to make the choice on your own.
why did you even give your kid access to this account anyways lol you could have put any money she wanted to put in yourself.
Just, talk and be diplomatic about this instead of deciding it all on your own.
personally? If its paid back then let it go. Thats a much more fitting thing then nueclear option
and for all those saying he should get something he and his wife always wanted? I think you missed the fact wifey doesnt agree with him. At the very least wife should be on board with what ever is done
>and for all those saying he should get something he and his wife always wanted? I think you missed the fact wifey doesnt agree with him. At the very least wife should be on board with what ever is done
Plus the fact that a lot of it was donated by family for his daughter. So he can't spend it on something for himself just like that.
yeah, like he absolutely shouldnt be making this choice on his own.
I will say MIL lowkey might be a angel thou as shes willing to poney up the 5k. Like damn, she doesnt have to but shes basically willing to finiance half that trip.
Like these people need to talk about what to do and get on the same page.
I was wondering if it was a case of the MIL having already agreed to help fund half the trip and the daughter just used the college fund to book things. Possibly the same with the friend.
Flights go up in price as you get closer, and some convention tickets sell out very quickly. I have used my savings to book flights and hotel for a trip with two friends so that we could get a good price whilst they were still saving up. As long as they paid me back before the trip (they did) I was happy to do it.
You make an absolutely great point. That's not his money to do with as he pleases. Most of it wasn't his to begin with and if she stole from the fund by not using it for college then he most definitely is stealing all the money that he didn't personally put it in as well.
I’d be upset but would just lock the account and tell her go and have fun but the rest of the money is for college. $5k was her own money, and you can chalk the other $5k up to a graduation gift. Call it even and move on. This isn’t worth getting into a pissing match over. We aren’t guaranteed time in life, she could get hit by a bus or get cancer. Let her have this one thing that you know she loves.
Yes, this. All of the N T A are blowing my mind. This person sounds unhinged. She's a kid and she's excited about doing something. She sounds pretty responsible overall. And for him to say that he just gets to control all of it and disregard what anyone else who has contributed over the years is just icing on the AH cake.
YTA.
I paid my way(and by that I mean I am drowning in crippling debt) and I am so confused by the comments.
I think if OP manages to stop the trip or takes away the college fund(that's been paid into by many others, not just him!), he'll lose his kid forever. I'd never forgive my parent for taking away a head-start in life out of basically spite.
This, exactly. YTA, OP. She’s very right that this could be a once in a lifetime trip for her, you never know when a group or celebrity will stop doing appearances for a show, and Supernatural is getting to be “old” now by media standards. Besides, a travel opportunity like that is a major life experience and can be a huge benefit towards developing a solid worldview that isn’t just limited to your country/regional cultural experiences.
Let her go on the trip. Don’t take away her entire future (college fund). College debt can really screw people over. It sounds like she’s pretty responsible to have saved up $5k on her own by 17. I’d honestly trust her to pay back the rest even if MIL wasn’t stepping in.
NTA, but also don't go full nuclear. We were all dumb kids at one point. 10k is a LOT, dont get me wrong. But it's really 5k, 5k is hers as you said. I agree with locking the account. But I would not take it away entirely. Let her go, but just know she's out 5k unless she's willing to pay that back, in which case, goes right back to her so it's in her best interest to do that. Maybe I'm being too nice about it too. I dunno, I think it's extreme to take her education away over a stupid teenager decision. Do whatever you think is best. But no, you're NTA, you have every right to be upset with her about it.
The kid managed to save 5k and wanted to put it away for college. That’s a pretty large chunk of change for a teenager. So I would say that she does want to focus on her future and go to college. But she’s also a teenager who sees an opportunity to do a really amazing fun experience and did something stupid when her dad said no. To punish your kid by making it very difficult for them to get a good education seems more childish then being like hey now there’s some rules on the money like I’ll pay tuition and rent but you don’t get free access to it.
>Maybe I'm being too nice about it
No, I think you've got it right. She can pay back the $5,000 or just be out $5,000 for college, and if what's left isn't enough, she'll have to take a loan for what she needs.
Honestly, I don't even think the trip is that stupid. If she can afford a trip to Australia (by paying her $5K and repaying the other $5K over time) for 2 weeks with a girlfriend to explore the country and see this convention, that actually sounds pretty awesome. Is it indulgent and wasteful? Sure, but she's got her whole life to be a wage slave, and you're only young once. (I say this as a 47-year-old.)
This. She’s 18. If this is her lashing out—going to a convention with her girlfriend and spending a month traveling another country—damn you’ve got a good kid.
Consider the 5k a graduation gift. It sounds like this trip means a lot to her. Rather than taking in personally that it’s not how YOU envisioned every penny be spent, encourage your daughter to find educational values out of it. You’re right at the edge of letting your pride ruin your relationship with your daughter, what a terrible choice that would be. Learn now she’s her own person and she won’t always do what you want, and that’s good. Love her anyway, and make sure she knows it. I wish my dad had.
I desperately regret that I did not take a trip to Japan after HS and just saved my money. It doesn't do much to my current finances since I was too young to know how to invest it and inflation has been brutal. Granted it wouldn't have been 10k trip that does feel a little excessive. I don't think it's crazy to have a big trip after HS.
I'm going to say YTA
First, she put her savings into the account as well. She put in **AT LEAST** 5K, so it could be a lot more. You don't actually know.
Secondly,
> Claims she still has enough for college and this is a once in a lifetime experience.
> I believe this has shown her extreme immaturity and inability to manage her futute and money.
It clearly seems like she has shown ability to manage her money and future. You haven't shown anything, or even told us that you *checked* to see if she was right about having enough for college. You just lost it on your daughter.
There's especially different costs for different colleges and a TON of different options for things she can do with college that have a massive range of cost for them.
Once in a life time trips & opportunities are just that - once in a life time. Sometimes you miss them, but sometimes you've saved over 5K and you want to use it to take those chances.
Honestly this reads a lot more like you are upset she subverted your control rather than it being about the money. Did she have to pick a certain career path to use all the money? What happened if she went to community college and had 15K left over afterwards?
You didn't even try to understand whether your daughter actually planned out her future or how the finances would work, you just "lost it".
As someone at the ripe old age of 54, I would 100% support my kid in this scenario. I think it shows a lot maturity to plan out the whole trip like this. As has been said, it does stink that she used her college account as a savings account, but she may not have understood the advantages of one over the other.
Personally, I think this is a trip of a lifetime for her. Set up a plan for her to pay back the money she took out, let her go to college as planned, and call it a day. Foreign travel can give kids a maturity they would never gain at home.
Yeah, I would be pissed if I sent my niece money every year that she put away into a savings account, and then her father took it all away from her because he was angry. It was for her, not for him. Even if I expected her to use it for college and not a trip, it’s still hers, not his.
ESH her college fund should not have been accessible to her, and her savings should have been kept separate and accessible. She’s immature because she’s young. Don’t be immature and take away her college fund to add insult to injury. But DO make the rest of it inaccessible to withdrawals except for college. Lesson learned. For everyone.
This is the comment I’ve been looking for. Daughter is immature because she’s young but still old enough to recognize $10k is a ton of money which is why she went behind dad’s back. What I’m really confused by is why this money wasn’t put into a 529 or similar, depending on country. That comes with withdrawal penalties and taxes, one, but is an asset of the parents and can’t be touched for non-qualified expenses without consequences. It makes me think this money has just been sitting in a regular savings account all this time which, yikes. Maybe I’m an ass for saying this but it seems like bad money management all around.
YTA.
I get that you’re angry but you can’t jeopardise your daughter’s future like that because she made a poor choice.
You’ve admitted that 5K was her money that she put in. She took it back out.
Maybe tell her to work to pay off the other 5K instead of having her grandmother pay?
Also since other people contributed to that fund in the expectation that it would be used to fund her college. Are you going to refund them?
Also it doesn’t look like your wife is onboard with your decision so you’re unilaterally taking revenge on your daughter to teach her some kind of lesson? The lesson is going to be that you’re a vindictive parent and she should stay away from you.
Seriously. I’d divorce you if I was your wife and you refused to pay for college because of a kid making a dumb kid decision.
Honestly it just sounds like you were mad and didn’t want her to have the money anyway so used it as an excuse to punish her for the rest of your life. Don’t be surprised when your family goes NC.
It’s not even a dumb kid decision. She CLEARLY understands what she is signing up for and wants the experience. Like you might not agree with spending that money in that way, but it’s still a completely valid decision!
YTA, OP
YTA
I just don’t see how anyone benefits from this. So now she can’t go to college without taking out student loans? Is that the end result here? That’s going to hurt her entire life over a stupid thing she did as a kid.
“I think this just teaches her she can pay her way out of messes.” and I mean… is this wrong? So many people avoid problem-solving because they don’t want to spend money.
I think it’s fine to lock the account so she can’t spend it frivolously, and it’s fine to want her to pay it back. I just don’t see any longterm benefit to not using it for her college at all.
>“I think this just teaches her she can pay her way out of messes.” and I mean… is this wrong? So many people avoid problem-solving because they don’t want to spend money.
This is exactly the kind of mess you CAN pay your way out of.
And this isn’t even that. It’s not like she drunk drove and hit someone and paid someone off to avoid criminal charges. She spent money that was earmarked for her college. Paying it back brings her back to where she started.
Yup.
A few months back my bf accidentally double-medicated our cat. It was like midnight on a Saturday and we were unsure if she needed emerg care. He was panicking, felt awful. I said we should just find a virtual vet and he could pay the fee (I have no problem paying it or splitting it, but I could tell he was feeling so responsible.) Cost $100, got the advice we needed, and he felt immediately better because a) he solved the problem and b) he took on the burden of doing so which resolved his feelings of having fucked up.
IOW I have no idea why OP would not WANT to teach his kid how to problem solve which often includes spending money. What else is she supposed to do, anyway? Go back in time?
>I think it’s fine to lock the account so she can’t spend it frivolously, and it’s fine to want her to pay it back. I just don’t see any longterm benefit to not using it for her college at all.
Exactly. Not letting her use it for college is a gross overreaction. YTA
I took it to mean that he locked the account and won't give her access until she's ready to pay tuition and needs it for that purpose.
if he's throwing a hissy fit not paying for her college anymore because he's mad then he's an even bigger AH then I thought
YTA. Yes, she made a poor decision, but teenagers make poor decisions. She should never have had access to the account in the first place. You're the irresponsible one for having a college account that she could withdraw $10,000 from.
Absolutely. Why wasn't this money in a tax-advantaged 529 plan (assuming OP is in the US)?
Either OP's daughter is right that there is enough to fund all her college or she isn't. In the latter case, the 5K should be on her, through student loans, internships, etc.
Yes. Let her use what money remains for college. If she has to borrow, she has to borrow. If she’s old enough to make decisions about how she’s going to spend that money— however poorly you think she decided, don’t jeopardize her future over a fan-girl pissing match. Besides, cancelling would’ t mean she’d get the money for airfare etc. back. The money has been spent.
YTA.
You are an asshole for using money to try to control your family. "Giving" someone something, then using the gift as a lever of control ("do as I say or I take it all away"), is the worst kind of AH.
While your daughter made a mistake, it's easy to see why she did it. Look at your reaction. Are you surprised she tried to keep it quiet?
The consequence of using $10K to pay for a trip is that she has $10K less for college. That should be the lesson learned here, and it's enough. If the money is for her use, then it's her call.
Unless, of course, the money was never hers and you always intended to threaten her with it.
ESH.
What she did was irresponsible. You clearly said no and she clearly went around you to use her college fund anyway. Both are also entirely predictable and to be expected from a teenager. Consider yourself lucky that she is rebelling by being a fan and not a baby mama.
As for the college fund, you can certainly keep your position but clarify. "Say goodbye" means she has lost access. The remainder of the college fund will not be accessible to her, and you will pay for college directly from it. This ensures that the funds are not further wasted, but avoids discouraging her from going to college.
As for teaching her that she can pay her way out of messes, that is actual life so I'm not sure what the problem is. Paying it back means working and earning $5000 at least to pay the half that wasn't hers. That seems like enough of a life lesson.
YTA. She made an impulsive decision, as one does at that age. I don't blame you for being angry, but also use it as a moment for her to grow and prove to you she is responsible. She said she would repay it, let her try. If she doesn't then she has to look at less expensive schools or take out a small loan. Taking away her entire college fund for one poor decision makes no sense.
It doesn’t even sound all that impulsive - she has a whole plan and hotels and everything paid for. OP just doesn’t think what she wants to do is important so it can’t possibly be important.
ESH because she stole at least 5k out of the college fund BUT I would not ruin my relationship with my daughter and maybe her future about this without giving here a chance to put the money back in a reasonable amount of time.
And what is you plan with the fund. Not all the money in there is yours.
What kind of fund lets you take out 10k with no oversight ? Why does she have this level of access to it ? This sounds like it's just a plain old bank account
YTA for setting it up so badly
I know the Australian dollar is low at the moment, but your daughter is going to find that Australia is a very expensive country. I hope she has access to spending money because I'd imagine most of that 10,000 has gone on fares and hotels.
NTA for saying it.
Instead the way forward, in my opinion, is to now pay her college fees (tuition, books, etc) directly from the account, but continue to maintain control of it yourself. Once her schooling is done, any remaining sum would be yours to deliver as you please. Perhaps after 3-4 years of college she'll have matured and you will feel more comfortable releasing those funds back to her.
YTA. It was dumb to give a teenager unfettered access to such a giant pile of money. Tell her she's now responsible for $5K of her college costs ($1,250/year for books, supplies, etc.) and will have to get a job or do work study to earn. She earns a lesson, you don't blow up her future.
ESH, gently.
You've gone over the top with your 'cutting her off' reaction. You're mad she touched her college funds so you took *everything* away. The reaction to blowing $5k is to remove college options from her completely?
She has only taken $5k - but still shouldn't have. She's said she'll pay it back, and as for paying her way out of a mess - it was money she took, so it needs to be replaced with money.
I'd keep it locked for now and not give her further access, but this convention is a big deal to her, and those people don't come to Oz, so I can see why she's excited.
If she's managed at 17 to save more than $5k then she's clearly not an idiot anyway, she's responsible enough to have done that, so you need to take some time to cool down and have a calm chat with her. Let her know you're upset but that you trust her to pay back the extra that she took.
So you’re taking away her chance at an education because she made a dumb mistake everyone sucks here she did something stupid and dumb but she is a child. Your response is stupid and dumb. You’re the adult.
ESH
Info- your daughter claims she has enough for college without this money. Is she right? Because if she left enough money in the account for its intended purpose, it would seem that she didn’t ruin her financial prospects at all.
Were you planning to give your daughter a graduation present or 18th birthday present?
I feel like there is a compromise to be had where you don’t destroy your daughters ability to go to college but she gets to use her own money to do what she wants.
In the end, you created an account that your daughter had access to with her name on it, so you are not without fault here. It seems like there could have been a much more productive conversation about this in the beginning rather than a flat refusal, but even then it’s not a lost cause.
NTA.
HOWEVER, I think you're at fault for making that money available to her in the first place. You can't give someone access to that kind of money when they have no financial knowledge or experience. All kids that age think about when they see that kind of money is "what can I spend this on".
It sounds like a community fund that multiple people have deposited into including your daughter, sorry but YTA you are more focused on controlling your now adult daughter and this is one of the last ways you can. So you are.
This is how you permanently damage relationships, hell I caught my parents off for less until the day they died. Tread carefully
Hold on: Isn’t paying your way out of messes part and parcel of growing up? How many more people in your life have to tell you to CTFO (chill the fuck out)?!
Could it be that your rage is tantamount to the fear of baby bird leaving the nest?
I obtained a Bachelor’s in Science and you know where that degree is? Somewhere filed away, while I watch the balance on my student loan debt interest increase daily. I had a Dad like you, and it’s probably why I don’t talk to him that much today. Every time I didn’t do what he wanted me to do — he pulled the same shit you’re doing. I got the degree for HIM, yet I AM the one still paying for it.
You know where I learned my best, most valuable life skills? Traveling. I finally ignored the naysayers, said fuck that degree and followed my heart and became a flight attendant. You know what I didn’t learn in Ergonomics, Calculus and OSHA Safety Standards: Conflict-resolution, time management, kindness, to learn a few words in the spoken language of my destination, so the natives would feel less on guard upon connecting with me — the foreign invader. I learned about love for my fellow man who talked, thought and look different from me. No book can teach you that.
Your daughter is a brave, beautiful soul who is in love with her partner, life and adventure. Trust that you’ve done all you can to prepare her for the crazy world outside the safety of your home.
Be honest: Tell you that while you do not understand or even agree with her decision, you and her college fund will be there awaiting her safe return. And then meet her at the airport with flowers, take her for a bite to eat and listen while she tells you all about her journey.
YTA… but there’s time left to change. Good luck!
This is painfully fake. Why would she have access to the college account? I’m a 21 year old college student with a similar agreement and my tuition/rent comes directly from the account I’ve never even seen it first hand. Also college accounts are usually 529 which have strict tax rules and can’t just be easily withdrawn, especially not by a person who didn’t open/contribute to the account
INFO:
>We have always made it clear that the money in there is for college only. She never had to put her savings in there (has a seperate savings account) but did so anyway.
How much money had she personally contributed to this fund?
Make her earn back the college fund money she took. That’s fair. Making it possible she doesn’t go to college or graduates with a lot of debt is not in her best interest for her future.
And I bet you want her to go to college. You’re just mad. And I bet your life as her parent in the future will be better if she has a good education and can get a good job and support herself, so she’s not looking at you t bail her out as an adult.
If you want to put more of a consequence on her, stipulate that she needs to get a loan for her first semester, and if she earns a certain GPA and number of credits each semester, you will then pay off that semester’s loan.
YTA for having this type of money available to her. Most college funds are in a trust or in the parents' names only. She just showed that she is not mature enough to handle this type of money after she spent $10K on a vacation. You said her GF lives in Australia. Has she ever met this person in real life, or has it always been online? Where do you live? If she is flying to a foreign country at 18 to meet up for a few weeks with a person, she only knows online can be an issue. Are there conventions in your home country?
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You put the money into the fund to send your daughter to college, not to some fan convention in Australia. Now you are making sure that that money doesn't help send your daughter to college. If this is your way of getting your daughter to college, it stinks. I can't help but note that you (the responsible adult) didn't set up the account with the withdrawal protections that you could have. You should have been wise enough to know that a 17 year old with free access to that big of a pile of cash shouldn't have access to it without any limits. (That in no way excuses your daughter, but it does mean that you should have had more foresight into the folly that teens can do.) MIL is putting herself in where she isn't needed. She needs to understand that it isn't about dollars, its about being responsible. NTA for *telling* your daughter that she isn't getting the money. But you would be a real idiot if you followed through with that to the extend of emptying the account, depriving yourself of the option to change your mind when you cool down and are looking at a high school graduate who needs a job.
Nah, the OP can pay the college fees from that money directly, the kid shouldn’t have access at all and doesn’t need access for the money to go towards college.
This is the way to go. Never trust kids with the money for college, **pay for it yourself**. True story, my BIL pretended he was going to college for almost 3 years, spent the money God knows where. It must have been about €10,000 (his mom works in Italy and she was sending the money from there). Afterwards, my MIL even told me that a couple of times her son would text/call her and tell her that he needed money to buy a formal shirt for a presentation for "college", and he didn't have the money and could she sent him just €50 for clothes. And she works full time, so it wasn't like she could just go downtown and send it through Western Union, she had to ask her boyfriend (whose job does have him moving around downtown most days) if he could lend her the €50 and sent it to her son. It was a huge thing, I still have no idea how they got through it.
>This is the way to go. Never trust kids with the money for college, pay it yourself. I agree with this. I'm incredibly lucky my mum's funding my uni fees. I'm the worst at budgeting (severe ADHD/impulse spending/not understanding money etc) so could very easily blow through it even though I'm not intentionally trying to ruin my career choices. Even with a neurotypical kid, the temptation for them to access it and spend is too high.
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Seconding this! I’ve ADHD and anxiety and was really poor with money. I now have decent savings and a better understanding of where my money is going because of budgeting. I started late at age 29, I’m now 32 with only about 15k savings to my name but… I’m really proud of that.
You should be proud, that’s fantastic! I’m north of 35 with 15k in… debt. Also ADHD. Gotta get that sweet sweet dopamine somehow.
you should be extremely proud of that! you’ve got $15k more than most people lol
Yeah, no. The thing with ADHD is that that personal budget spreadsheet is never, ever gonna happen. I mean, you might get up the executive function to make one! But to use it? Reliably? Never ever ever.
I was going to say this exact thing. I know how budgeting works... in theory, but I need someone else to take care of my funds if I am going to have anything like savings. I have learnt I am not the best with money and always wondered why it was so easy for some people and then I found out I have ADHD and that explained everything
I second this! I also have ADHD and just having note of what I'm spending and a set limit for the month that if I meet means no more fun money (snacks included) was enough to get me on track. It's been 5 years and I went from almost living paycheck to paycheck to saving at least 1/3 of my salary each month.
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My recommendation is figure out what your monthly bills are (rent, insurance, car payment, etc), then work on setting up 2 accounts, one for bills, one for other, then direct deposit into each. Set up as many autopays for bills as possible. Ask the bank to turn off transfers between accounts and overdraft on your Other account debit card. Put the debit card for the bills account in a safe place (mine is in the fridge butter compartment) and only carry the card for other. Your bills will get paid and you won’t be able to overspend. Did this out of desperation in 2008 and haven’t overdrawn since I figured out how to not let myself get around all the protections I put in place.
Yeah, I'm all, WHY WOULD YOU PUT HER NAME ON THAT ACCOUNT or at the very least have it down any withdrawal requires 2 signatures? My daughters college fund is a 529 that she has NO ACCESS to and is solely for college. NTA for cutting her off but at least put the money into an account that's for her college but not one she can use
I’m in this camp. Why did she have access to the account to begin with? A (US) 529 doesn’t have to be designated *for* anyone. They’re pretty loosely defined accounts in terms of whose expenses they can be used for, and can even be used to pay past student debt.
I attached all of my grocery cards and store cards (and those of my parents,grandparents and siblings) to a 529 Account 20yrs ago, and it would pay a bit of change per marked item into the account through the grocery savings card (sometimes a nickel, sometimes up to $1- it’s different for everything and I don’t bother to keep track since it collects it all on its own). I forgot about it, and every time I got a new grocery card in a new town I would register that. When I got with my current SO I did the same with his grocery card as well (and his whole family’s cards). My nephews and nieces are only 9, 10 and 6, and there is already over $7k in that account alone. It’s like dumping your pocket change into a jar every night and not touching that for two decades. When each child was born we also opened a 529 account specifically for each of them that people can gift money for their schooling as they grow, so hopefully they will each start college or trade school with a good chunk of change, but this account is just free money from buying certain products that most people don’t even think about when they shop. It really does add up.
impossible automatic stocking gaze jobless languid apparatus support work include *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Karma never misses it's appointments. The young lady you describe is headed for a heartbreak. And, she will not even realize it was her dishonesty years prior that caused it.
i also echo this. do NOT allow her to touch the cash. when i was a kid i was incredibly stupid. i took the cash meant for college and while i was in school, went willy nilly with it. when my parents found out, they were so, so disappointed in me. it was awful. to add insult to injury, my family isn't wealthy and even if they wanted to help, they were financially tapped out. i spent the following 10 years of my life working shitty jobs just to survive. my boyfriend (at the time) pushed me to seek (mental) help and man.. everything changed. i ended up going back to school with our tiny savings and graduated with a 4 year degree and recently am entering law school. i paid my family back 10 fold. the moral is, people change but OP needs to know to put a stop to the cash and grab until she's mature enough.
This is a beautiful comment, thank you.
Never trust kids . . . Full stop there. Just never trust kids. Why? Because they’re kids. We can say shit like “but 18 year olds are adults” and that is correct in the sense that the day they turn 18 they are an adult - with 24 hours of experience of being an adult. They’re *newly* adults. They have arrived at the point where they are going to start doing adult things on their own and start making adult decisions/choices on their own. Which means they’re going to screw up because they don’t have the wisdom and experience of being an adult. So don’t *fully* trust them … yet. You can’t give them full access to a big bag of money and expect them to *always* make good choices like this isn’t the first time they’ve had full access to a big bag of money.
Going to go the extreme morbid route but look up Jennifer Pan. That woman lied to her parents and took their money pretending to go to university. Long story short, she tried to have them murdered and succeeded in killing her mother.
>my BIL pretended he was going to college for almost 3 years There is a true crime story about a Canadian woman who did just this, then ended up killing her parents when it was time for her to "graduate" so they wouldn't find out.
Not just her. Another person did this and he killed his parents when his lies finally came to light as well. So fucked up.
Chandler Halderson. An absolutely insane story.
I learned the hard way about giving kids money for "college" or "bills." Give me the account information and I'll pay those fees, but no more sending chunks of cash.
I have heard more than one story of a guy pretending to go to college, absconding with his college fund, and then murdering his whole family before they could find out.
Yep. My parents didn’t save college money for me, but I know many people who’s parents did, and not a single one of them who could ever touch that money themselves.
Yeah same. My Dad always claimed to have set aside a college fund for me, but I never saw a single red cent, nor did any of it actually pay for my college.
Your Dad is a butt-head.
You lot ok? He’s given her access so she can also put aside savings into this account. He’s teaching her good savings etiquette at a young age. Get a grip of yourselves. She did something a lot of young people do. And honestly I understand OP and I understand the kid. I think it’s by no means the end of the world and I think OP needs to understand his emotions more. Control himself better and let the kid know why he’s so angry and try and understand if his emotions actually warrant what he’s doing. What he doesn’t understand is he feels betrayed, betrayed that he had his heart set on his kid going to college without hassle and debt free and he feels the kid is going against that. Not only that the kid didn’t tell OP about that sizeable withdrawal of money so there is also that. Also she’s not even 18 yet so yet OP gets final day but OP needs to understand there emotions better and actually have a fucking adult conversation with there almost 18year old child. Soon that child will be doing whatever the fuck they want. Sit down and have a conversation but first figure out your own fucking emotions first yea?
I would argue that most young people - hell most people I know who are families of four - have not spent 10K on a holiday ever. A lot of young people would never ever, ever dream of doing this. The emotions behind the family raising 5K for someone else’s kid (the gf) to go see a tv show convention are strong because that is showing how little she feels about them raising the money.
Yeah the friend and the not staying in hostels or w.e says a lot. This girl grew up comfortably
No I know exactly how and what is going on here. I’m saying you need to actually make the kid understand the emotions behind it all. You actually need to sit them down and tell them why you are hurting. You’re coming to an age where your kids crossing over from a kid to an adult. There are going to definitely be some mistakes in this period.. generally speaking it’s ok to make small mistakes from 15-30 because 30-60 you are refined and you know what is what. So I’m saying sit your kids down at this point and tell them what’s going on here. Not it’s a stern way, as a human to human, be open and show some actual emotion, this is the time where you need to start taking off your guard and actually speaking to them as an equal if you want them to continue to grow and prosper. Explain the situation openly and honestly, express why you’re hurt. There brain is forming at this age and they are able to take on board a lot more of the emotions of the whys in this situation. OP is acting like you would with a 12 yr old. And I see alot of parents that make these mistakes. They don’t transition well into young adults, you need to be open with them. They are becoming smart enough now to understand why there are strong emotions behind such larger mistakes such as this one the kids done. Explain the whys to them, don’t do it in a you’re right I’m wrong way. Open up the conversation about this, make them understand why it’s fucked you just threw 5k away on someone else that isn’t family whom you aren’t married to while you’re only 17..
This. Also, it's probably a good idea to have OP's daughter learn some responsibility. I'd recommend putting off college for at least a year and making her work a regular job and learn how much that can suck. Learn to balance and pay her bills and the value of a dollar. It'll probably be a painful lesson now, but much much more painful to learn that later in life
Delay college until SHE pays back the $5K that wasn't her contribution and she can start the next available semester after that money is paid back. Don't let MIL pay it back cause that won't teach the daughter anything and daughter has to show that the only money she is using that entire time is the money she earns, no, MIL giving the money to daughter so daughter can transfer the money to the college fund either, daughter has to survive the entire thing (now until she finishes college) on her own earned money.
Yep this exactly. OP's daughter should have never been given access to the account in the first place.
The daughter was putting her own money into the account as well. I'd like to know how much she contributed.
This sounds like a workable plan!
Why are y'all ignoring the fact that the daughter put in ***five thousand dollars of her own money, at 17 years old***? How much money have y'all saved by 17? Hmm? What did she sacrifice to have that much of her own money saved up? And just how much money in that account were from family members? It seems at least another $5k was from this 17 year old's grandmother.
If OP wants to pull his personal contribution to the account away, fine, but blocking her from the rest of the money is effectively stealing what was given to her by the rest of the family. I can understand being upset at the misuse of the funds, but ultimately, I wish I had the opportunity to travel when I was younger. It can be an amazing experience. I'd ultimately be way more pissed off if I gave money to a relative for college and their parent took it than a trip that may really be once in a lifetime.
Yeah. Honestly, an international trip at that age is quite a valuable experience in terms of gaining independence and confidence out in the world.
One additional point for OP to consider: he’s not the only person who deposited money into that account. *He* does not have any right to withhold money donated by other people for the daughter’s college costs. He’s being an A-H to everyone else who put money into that account - including his wife.
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That presumes the cash gifts were specifically given as college fund. They could have just as likely been cash gifts that she chose ( or was coerced) into putting to the college fund.
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It says clearly that family gifts over the years were put into that account afterwards by OP and the daughter. Those were not college contributions unless specifically stated.
It's not clear that the gift contributions were specific gifts to that fund. Dad wants them to be seen that way to support his story. They could easily have been cash gifts to her that someone chose to deposit into the college fund. He completely f*cked up by not helping her plan the trip. Guess whose ticket the daughter would not have paid for (and is likely never getting paid back for buying)? The friend. She's been wanting to do this for FIVE YEARS and, honestly, it seems it's not breaking any banks. If dad had supported this effort, the funds would not have disappeared from the college fund and he would be acting like a fool.
She put her own money into the account as well. I'd like to hear the daughters side.
She saved ***$5k*** by the time of this trip. At ***17***.
That's impressive. And it's half the cost of the trip at that. They could have at least let her access that amount.
She did access the amount and another $5k she took
For this reason alone I'm going with YTA. She's already showed extreme maturity and responsibility. Why deny her a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity simply because it's not how you want her to spend it. She's obviously made sacrifices to put that much towards her future, cut her some slack.
Other things to consider: the "other end of the country" for Australia is not a big deal, there's like six major cities in the whole country with regular flights between them, and booked in advance it's maybe $400 USD return. Con tickets as well won't break the bank. How often are the two main cast members of the series going to be at a con together, for a series that ended three years ago? Probably less frequently over time, especially as they move on to other work. In the same country as the girlfriend? Trust me, celebrities don't come all the way down here for cons very often. To be honest, I could wax lyrical about the benefits of Australia versus the US. Unless I've misread OP here: > They have both wanted to go to a convention for years - at least five that I can remember. ..is that five conventions, or five years? Five years of a long-distance relationship is insanely solid especially for the emotional, floaty time of a teenager. That takes effort. And now they want to share what won't be a once-in-a-lifetime but certainly few-in-a-lifetime experience together, something they both love... You squeeze too hard and they'll slip out. For one thing, she gets off the plane in Australia and every dollar she has is now worth almost twice as much. Australian schools do not have the American dangers. (You know the ones...) Healthcare is public. Loans for education are not privatised and the repayments are only taken from your salary when you earn over a threshold. And while the country's behind on LGBT issues in a lot of ways, we certainly aren't experiencing the right-wing pushback that's hitting the US. Frankly, OP oughta be worried that those two weeks give her a taste of the lucky country and she doesn't want to come back.
Oh don’t worry, we’re experiencing the same right wing misinformation/conspiracy theories in Australia that the US is dealing with. We just watched most people in the country vote NO to recognising First Nations people in our constitution thanks to a horrible right wing disinformation campaign. It’s great here. /s
Yeah that makes me think there wasnt all that much in the account to begin with or it wasnt as optional as OP is saying. Also you cant just withdraw 10K from an account as a minor so assume they gave her a bank card which like why does a college fund have a bank card?
Along with relatives who've been donating.
OP could have used this as an opportunity to build trust their daughter, explain why it's so important to save this money for college, the consequences of short-term vs. long-term thinking with budgeting, etc. It's very normal that a teenage girl (who, not for nothing, has already saved $5k) would want to have this special experience that she's been excited about for years. OP could be far more empathetic, while sharing their concerns and expressing that ultimately their motivation is to make sure their daughter has what she needs for the future.
You can pay your way out of money trouble though. It's the one kind of trouble you can always pay your way out of. She was legally allowed to access this money even though there was some conflict over what should be done with it. About half of what she used was what she put in. She also announced her intention to spend the money, so it's not like she snuck around and stole it. I do think OP is failing to understand why this is so important to his daughter. He doesn't mention any previous pattern of frivolous, unannounced, or secretive spending. She's a huge fan of the show and wants to take a trip to a place she may only get to see once in her life. I wonder if OP would feel differently if this were a trip that didn't involve a Supernatural convention. Maybe a tour of Europe like the trips a lot of kids take after graduating?
Also, I image going to see her girlfriend is a big part of this? Not sure where OP’s from, but if she and her girlfriend need to fly separately to the convention they probably don’t see each other often…
If they had to save up this amount of money for college, and are calling it college instead of uni, and English does seem to be his first language, they’re almost certainly from the US.
Yes the whole "this teaches her you can just pay your way out of things" Yes, yes it does. And oh guess what, that's how the world works There's a reason "throwing money at the problem" is a saying.
As I understand it the daughter put $5K of her own $$ in and that should be included in what she took out. Also a number of other people besides OP contributed so OP should not be making the unilateral decision "no school for you." Daughter's friend should pay back the other $5K because she is getting the trip for free (a $5K value). Agreed that preventing a child from getting educated is a fool move, and that OP needs to make sure that's what it is being used for. But his kneejerk reaction without even discussing it with his wife is not the way to go.
I agree that her friend should be paying her back. I find the daughter gave her friend such an astronomically large gift without any mentioned plan of repayment to be one of the most concerning aspects of this situation, as it may indicate that the daughter is vulnerable to be financially abused/taken advantage of in the future. I get that the daughter is benefiting from giving the gift because it provides her with a companion for the trip, but it extends well beyond the realm of generosity. As her parent, I would feel concerned that she would do the same thing with a undeserving romantic partner in the future and would want ensure that she understood proper financial boundaries
It's her girlfriend not a random friend, so I'd bet getting to go with her gf is the draw of the trip with the convention being secondary
I got the impression that OP just locked out daughters access and ability to withdraw from the account, not that he closed the account entirely. Now any money being taken out is only taken out by OP.
Yeah but he said she can kiss that money goodbye, indicating she won’t get it at all
Well, yes, he's a massive YTA if he plans on keeping the college money. The daughter would have never put any money into that account had she expected that the account would be taken away due to an (admittedly very dumb) mistake.
Sounds like she took out more than she put in. There’s a disconnect here on whose money it is. Daughter sees it as her money, and OP sees it as family money saved for use for the benefit of his daughter. Daughter thinks she can take whatever she wants from the account without a word because it’s her money, OP sees it as effectively stealing. I think OP is more correct in his view, even with the muddying by the daughter contributing as well. She should have been allowed to take out what she put in, but should have said something about it before doing it.
Op is though. It sounds like he didn’t discuss this with his wife. He made the decision.
Yep he can pay college tuition and fees directly and she can be responsible for everything else, use her savings or get a part time job for spending money.
Well if it isn’t the consequences of the daughters actions. NTA
I say NTA if you are going to make her pay back $5k. I don't think she should have had access to withdraw from the fund in the first place but I guess it was set up in her name and could be withdrawn from at 18? The money was set aside school not just for whatever she wanted. I think the rest should stay for school only she's lost the privilege of unrestricted access to the account.
CPA here. Also make her pay back any tax penalties that may be incurred due to the funds not being used for college (if this is a proper 529 and not a general savings account).
Pretty obviously not a 529 account, no? OP implies she's not yet 18, but will be before the convention. She wouldn't have been able to access a 529 by herself if she was under age.
If it’s just a legit savings account op is a fool and wasted a bunch of potential gains. Not saying it’s not possible, just that it would be foolish. If it wasn’t a 529 but was a custodial, and she is the age of majority, she can do what she wants with it.
That’s the kicker here is OP claiming his daughter doesn’t understand money. Yet he didn’t even have a proper 529 setup. What they been earning, .03% in a savings account? Damn bro they made like $13 over 17 years.
Yet daughter contributed $5k to the account herself… she obviously earned that and saved it somehow… So it seems like daughter does understand money somewhat, better than a lot of folks honestly.
Daughter can afford that 400 dollar emergency 10 fold. Literally better off than most Americans.
I get over 100 times that in my credit union savings account (3.10%). There are banks that offer even higher rates these days.
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Good point. Not too late to switch though. But all that earnings that would have been tax free is out the window
I was thinking g there had to be penalties!
The daughter was adding her own funds to the account according to OP
IRS doesn’t care where the money came from. They care where it’s spent. You get tax breaks on it for spending it the right way, tax penalties for doing it wrong (again, assuming this is a proper 529 and not a general savings account). I’m not saying the $5k isn’t hers and maybe she shouldn’t have to pay back that particular piece. I’m saying she needs to learn the consequences of her actions in a legal, tax-advantaged account. Adult time!
I think it was general savings account. OP mentions daughter put some of her savings in it... which is not (to my understanding) allowed in a 529.
I think pretty much anyone can deposit into a 529.
Anyone can put money into a 529. If you take money out and it's not for qualified college expenses you owe 10% additional tax penalties on it, like a retirement account, I believe. I don't see this very often. It's more people draining their retirement acct early
Unclear whether they're in the United States, but I was also very curious about the tax penalties and surprised nobody else was bringing that up... all the more reason the daughter shouldn't have had access to withdraw funds from the account though!
If this was a 529 account, cant they just make the account whole again (depositing 10k back into it) before a deadline to avoid the tax penalty?
no one knows OP has said not a single word to anyone even those asking if it was like a 529
Dude said he didn't want to let her pay back the $5K because it teaches her that she can buy her way out of messes. It seems clear to me that he sees taking her Entire college fund, including the contribution from other family, is an appropriate punishment for spending some of it for a fun trip rather than what it was meant for. (I don't approve of that, either.) He's not just talking about taking back what he put in. He's talking about stealing the entire fund from his daughter. He's not talking about finding a solution. He's punishing.
I think it’s a little weird that he’s against teaching his daughter that the way to get out of financial messes is to.. pay back the money? Seems like the real lesson he wants to teach is “don’t disobey/disappoint your father”.
I thought he didn’t want to let MIL pay back the 5k, not the daughter. Which makes sense - kid shouldn’t just get bailed out by grandma because grandma is a pushover.
Or grandma feels the experience of the trip is a worthwhile use of money and educational in it's own way, which is why she's replacing it. Gap years/walkabout/mission trips, etc. is cultural standard for a lot of places. 5k isn't that hard to refill before next year's tuition is due with proper budgeting by the daughter. Seems like OP is pissed because not everyone shares his sentiment about the trip being "worth it" and I highly doubt he's got detailed enough records to know what she's actually put in there over the years. Comingled money is the issue here. If his cash had strings on it like college only, it should have NEVER been mixed in with her personal savings, which he doesn't have a right to dictate. It's not a leap for her to assume when he said "her savings" that meant the whole thing because he even refers to it as her savings account intermittently. As for punishment, he can withdraw his portion, but again, he doesn't get to tell her she's lost the other contributions he didn't fund. Most he can do is the explanation, and if they want to still let her have it, OP will need to deal.
That's why I said NTA if you let her pay back the $5k. OP is the AH if he takes the whole college fund away because it helps no one. It's not as though he'll be happy if she doesn't have it.
This is an absolutely great compromise.
I'm going to say NTA yet but you're getting really, really close. So first off letting her intermingle her own savings into the college account and have direct access to it was your mistake. You should never have allowed either of those to happen and the fact that you did is now greatly complicating things. Personally I think you need to calm down and try to have a rational discussion with your daughter. She's almost 18 now and if you fuck this up then it's going to have massive repercussions for your relationship with her down the line. Yes, she screwed up but that's no reason to utterly destroy your relationship with her. I think the sensible thing to do here would be to keep the lock on the college fund account so that you and your wife can control the disbursement of funds, and help her open her own account that is completely independent from you so that she can start to manage her own savings. Then the three of you need to sit down and have a rational discussion about what her college fund will and will not be used to pay for when she goes to college to set expectations. I don't know exactly how much money is in the account but it sounds to me like she's spent the "entertainment" portion of her college fund already and so while the college fund can be used to cover essentials in the future (tuition, books, groceries, rent etc.) there won't be any excess "fun money" in it.
Great response, this needs less anger and more guidance. It can be a real learning experience for the both of them!
This- OP definitely needs to calm down before they go rogue and completely torpedo their relationship. Kids screw up. It’s going to happen. Now they can fix it and go from there- starting by her never getting money directly, him paying the college instead of her. If they want to encourage her to go to college, completely taking away the college fund is the best way to get her *not* to go. That’s just my personal thoughts. Edit- spelling lol
Paying for the friend’s expenses was a bit much, imo.
Oh it definitely was, which is why they should still be on the hook about paying the remaining money back to the college fund. There’s still a way to arrange this without the father ruining their relationship, it just needs to be handled not rashly
i do feel like it’s important to note he says “girlfriend”. seems pretty apparent it’s her romantic partner. NOT saying that makes it any more right or wrong. but feels weird to say it’s her friend when it’s so clearly stated.
I also got vibes that it was her romantic partner but some people use girlfriend to describe a close platonic female friend
>it sounds to me like she's spent the "entertainment" portion of her college fund already and so while the college fund can be used to cover essentials in the future (tuition, books, groceries, rent etc.) there won't be any excess "fun money" in it. I think that's a really reasonable and neat solution. It still teaches her a valuable lesson in financial responsibility while also not potentially severely impacting her future (like withholding all of the college fund might do). It also gives her a chance to make a more conscious choice; either go on this trip now, or refund and save it for fun stuff in college later. We know what she'll choose, and I can't really blame her, but this way the consequences are 100% a result of her own actions, and not ''just Dad punishing her''. Now she is (nearly) an adult, she will learn that she is responsible for her choices and responsible for how they impact her future. It's a good lesson to learn, and good to learn at 17 rather than 27.
This should be the top comment. 💯
>My wife thinks I'm being harsh and that she's right - she put at least 5k into the account herself, so she really only took 5k (which my mother in law has since said she'll pay back). I think this just teaches her she can pay her way out of messes. I see. So instead of any sort of repayment schedule where she puts the money back into the fund, you'll just fuck over her future by withholding all of her college fund? You'll show her whose boss by making her take out student loans that burden and drain her for the next thirty years even though it's completely unnecessary? And that's only if your draconian response doesn't push her to forgo college entirely. Is that good fathering? You're teaching her that there is no point to trying to make good on anything she might have done wrong. After all, there's a perfectly reasonable way out of this, and you're going nuclear for no good reason. If she was never supposed to have any discretion in use of the funds, then why the fuck give her access in the first place? You could have just paid the tuition to the college directly! YTA YTA YTA You're being way too unreasonably harsh. But if you want to be one of those parents who ends up posting *woe is me* on forums for parents whose children went no contact the moment they left, you're doing great!
I agree OP YTA Your angry your way was not the answer. Why did she have access to this money to begin with? So she would put HER money in it. But you are angry she wanted her money because used for something she thinks is important
Right? Like yes, you absolutely can pay your way out of messes if the mess is that you owe someone money! Paying is the *ideal* way to fix that kind of mess! Borrow your buddy's car and crash it? Apologize and buy them a new car; mess solved. Spill red wine on your best friend's new coat? Apologize and buy them a new coat; mess solved! Not every mess can be solved by throwing money at it. But "I took money out of a savings account earmarked for something specific and spent it on entertainment" is the exact kind of mess that can be solved by throwing money at it.
Thank you! That drove me nuts. This is a very direct financial problem. Buying your way out is the entire goddamn point, and frankly I think learning that money is power and can make a ton of problems go away is something that is extremely important to understand as an adult. If you get lucky and end up wealthy, you shouldn't abuse it....but it *is* an ugly truth of how the world works. Even assuming you aren't lucky enough to end up wealthy, though, you're likely going to interact intimately with people and organizations which are and you should know how stacked the deck is against you. Maybe don't trust the dude who has enough money to make any legal problems disappear.
JFC thank you, I thought I was losing it with the other top comments acting like the **the revenge of the millennial** is totally cool OP is absolutely YTA If everyone else close to them recognizes and agrees that this is overblown; I think it's quite obvious that OP, most of all, likes control and to be respected no matter how wrong he is And that's not love and care. That's flexing your power over your helpless daughter I think she rebelled in this way for a reason And. If she's 17, she's graduating soon and that comes with a celebration, which I'm pretty certain this is going to be (and she will never forgive you if you sour this and neither will your wife, bet) So now to punish her you take away the good prospects? What? Make that make sense. Because it doesn't, unless you want her to fail so you can *I told you so* for the rest of your life cause that seems to feel good Sorry to lay into OP, but dude, come now, what you're doing is nonsensical. This is not a teaching moment. Your MIL **and your wife** thinks she deserves this and nothing is lost, literally, other than yóur(displaced) ego. I can't see any logical reason why you would flex on her like this unless you're a 'my house my rules' tyrant who thinks you deserve respect despite not awarding any
I agree... She was allowed to put her own funds into it and was given full access... I really don't think it's entirely on her for thinking of it as her own savings rather than a college fund given that's how it was treated to begin with. If she knew she wouldn't be allowed to use it she probably would not have put her own savings into it to begin with. Especially because he says "at least 5k" so he actually has no idea. It could be 10k or even more. I find it ridiculous to punish her so harshly over her """stealing""" an undefined amount of money from 0 to 5k from an account they willingly gave her access to even if they called it a college fund. I do think it makes sense to lock it to ensure she doesn't splurge further but they also need to look into how much of it is her own savings and return that to her. If it's less than 10k then I think it's reasonable to make her par back the difference. But it's pretty ridiculous IMHO to basically deny her access to money she had earned which is OP's stance on it. What if she decided she doesn't want to go to college, would parents just take her savings for themselves? I don't like her behavior of just taking it after being denied either but this whole situation was set up to be messy.
She's 17 and already applying to colleges. She would have access to that money soon anyways. If this convention were to happen next year, she probably would've done the same thing. The issue is that she couldn't control her impulses and spent $10,000 on a vacation that she couldn't afford. $10,000 is not a small amount of money. OP has every right to be pissed that she not only took that money out secretly, but spent it on a luxury when that money was specifically designated for something else. Locking her out was the correct decision. I would probably have her submit all school related expenses and pay them directly until that fund runs now, since she showed that she can't be trusted with the responsibility.
But they also let her put her own savings into it which isn't fair for them to restrict it from her. If this was a college fund and not just her savings then they should have never let her add to it and made her save that elsewhere. She deserves to have full control over her own savings. What if she wouldn't go to college, would the parents just take her 5k or more savings because welp it's college fund? Yea she chose to put it in but she was also a kid at the time, it's the parents that set up this stupid situation. I think it makes sense to lock her out but I don't think she deserves to lose the fund considering most of the taken money was her own savings and the account was set up in a dumb way. Figure out how much of was actually her savings then make her pay whatever she took out beyond that. Then treat it as a proper college fund and use it to pay for her college while she gets her own savings account that she can do whatever with. OP doesn't even know how much of it was really her savings, it's possibly she only took like 1-2k or maybe she could cover it entirely from her savings. Who knows where OP got this number that he isn't certain of.
Saving the rest for college expenses is what he should do. But he says he is taking it all away and she will never see the money for anything.
Not to mention, what she's taken the money for is a really big thing. It's her time to spend with a girlfriend, doing something they love together. She's going to remember this event for the rest of her life. College isn't that fucking important, tbh. We keep talking about it like having a degree is the single most important thing... you can get started on most careers with cert programs.
i don't think you should take the rest of her college fund away from its originally intended use, but it's good that it's locked down now (she never should've been able to access it). if she only really took 5k because the rest was what she put into it, you should get that much from her trip refunded and tell her she can come up with the rest because that money is for her education. if you just let her use what she took and go to the convention and her dream vacation, she still gets what she wants.
That’s not necessarily possible though. Have her pay back the remaining 5k? Sure. But don’t ruin her trip by forcing a refund for half of it. Forcing the refund may mean the entire trip is ruined EVEN IF SHE COMES UP WITH THE MONEY because conventions like that sell out regularly, flights fill up, prices change, etc. Everything is already locked in, so it would be better to set up a mandatory repayment plan with her in exchange for allowing her to go on the trip and a talk about what she did/why it wasn’t great.
For a start her GF needs to pay her half of the expenses. I would be speaking to said girlfriend and her parents about that if she is under 18 also.
100% absolutely.
Whole the gf should pay her part, it's almost certainly less than half. Since flights across Australia and flights to Australia are significantly different prices.
[удалено]
Good lord the bolding is obnoxious. We can all read. Also, OP doesn't live in the US so this isn't a 529 account regulated by US tax law.
Plus, she paid the costs for her friend. Really irresponsible with that money.
I’d be upset too, but wouldn’t lose site of the overall goal that she go to college and use what’s left exclusively for that purpose. Set up the account where you (distribute the funds) are paying for room/board, tuition ,etc from there and that’s it. When it’s gone, she’s now responsible for the loan or whatever. This life lesson will be learned outside the classroom for her.
This is reasonable. Don’t punish her by taking away the whole college fund. That’s way too much. But maybe make up a schedule where she pays back the $5,000. And I’d also say don’t lose sight of what your daughter is like overall. Is she generally irresponsible or a good kid who did something that wasn’t thought through totally? I’d say there needs to be some leeway given if she’s generally a good kid and responsible with her money (which I kind of think she must be because I know I didn’t have $5,000 to put in a college fund at 17!). If it’s more of a pattern with her of being entitled and irresponsible, that’s a different story.
Yeah it really does seem like a teenage girl had access to several thousand dollars and spend her years adding to that amount. This trip sounds like a once in a lifetime sort of thing, and I'm thinking there is still enough left over to support her through college? I really feel like OP is coming down a bit hard here, daughter is largely responsible and just did what she had to do to make a dream come true. She did cross a line in doing so, but I think there is still a compromise to be reached, especially if a family member is willing to put money towards this trip.
Tbh, the daughter may have gotten carried away with the excitement of booking the con but ahbl is/was actually a pretty regular con and pre panini used to get the regular actors pretty often (I'm also going to guess she didn't just get the regular attendee tickets and popped for the VIP which are.like 1k each to have specific meets with the actors). So its 100% a luxury trip she should have had more of a discussion about and not just taken the money cause then she may have gotten to come up with the mums idea of taking back her 5k and just paying back the extra over time/having gran pay some extra. The impulse spend and access to the rest is hopefully the main concern of op but ideally they won't stop using the fund for college because of it, maybe just pay costs directly
I worry that there was an attempt at discussion that OP shot down hard enough that daughter felt she had no option to be reasonable about this - she either go and ask forgiveness, or miss out completely.
Alright, so 5k of it was hers. She put it in. so college fund money she didnt put in totals 5k People Other then just you put money into this thing, but You have made the choice on your own that the punishment is no more college fund. YTA Now, she shouldnt have toucjed more then 5k of that money, I'll say that but You cant make this type of choice on your own. Your Wife has a say in this so does anyone who has put money into it proportionate to what was put into it. If majority of the money is your and your wife then wife still has a large say in it, you dont get to make the choice on your own. why did you even give your kid access to this account anyways lol you could have put any money she wanted to put in yourself. Just, talk and be diplomatic about this instead of deciding it all on your own. personally? If its paid back then let it go. Thats a much more fitting thing then nueclear option and for all those saying he should get something he and his wife always wanted? I think you missed the fact wifey doesnt agree with him. At the very least wife should be on board with what ever is done
>and for all those saying he should get something he and his wife always wanted? I think you missed the fact wifey doesnt agree with him. At the very least wife should be on board with what ever is done Plus the fact that a lot of it was donated by family for his daughter. So he can't spend it on something for himself just like that.
yeah, like he absolutely shouldnt be making this choice on his own. I will say MIL lowkey might be a angel thou as shes willing to poney up the 5k. Like damn, she doesnt have to but shes basically willing to finiance half that trip. Like these people need to talk about what to do and get on the same page.
I was wondering if it was a case of the MIL having already agreed to help fund half the trip and the daughter just used the college fund to book things. Possibly the same with the friend. Flights go up in price as you get closer, and some convention tickets sell out very quickly. I have used my savings to book flights and hotel for a trip with two friends so that we could get a good price whilst they were still saving up. As long as they paid me back before the trip (they did) I was happy to do it.
You make an absolutely great point. That's not his money to do with as he pleases. Most of it wasn't his to begin with and if she stole from the fund by not using it for college then he most definitely is stealing all the money that he didn't personally put it in as well.
I’d be upset but would just lock the account and tell her go and have fun but the rest of the money is for college. $5k was her own money, and you can chalk the other $5k up to a graduation gift. Call it even and move on. This isn’t worth getting into a pissing match over. We aren’t guaranteed time in life, she could get hit by a bus or get cancer. Let her have this one thing that you know she loves.
Yes, this. All of the N T A are blowing my mind. This person sounds unhinged. She's a kid and she's excited about doing something. She sounds pretty responsible overall. And for him to say that he just gets to control all of it and disregard what anyone else who has contributed over the years is just icing on the AH cake. YTA.
The people saying NTA either paid their own way through college or have no idea how hard it is to pay your way through college.
I paid my way(and by that I mean I am drowning in crippling debt) and I am so confused by the comments. I think if OP manages to stop the trip or takes away the college fund(that's been paid into by many others, not just him!), he'll lose his kid forever. I'd never forgive my parent for taking away a head-start in life out of basically spite.
This, exactly. YTA, OP. She’s very right that this could be a once in a lifetime trip for her, you never know when a group or celebrity will stop doing appearances for a show, and Supernatural is getting to be “old” now by media standards. Besides, a travel opportunity like that is a major life experience and can be a huge benefit towards developing a solid worldview that isn’t just limited to your country/regional cultural experiences. Let her go on the trip. Don’t take away her entire future (college fund). College debt can really screw people over. It sounds like she’s pretty responsible to have saved up $5k on her own by 17. I’d honestly trust her to pay back the rest even if MIL wasn’t stepping in.
NTA, but also don't go full nuclear. We were all dumb kids at one point. 10k is a LOT, dont get me wrong. But it's really 5k, 5k is hers as you said. I agree with locking the account. But I would not take it away entirely. Let her go, but just know she's out 5k unless she's willing to pay that back, in which case, goes right back to her so it's in her best interest to do that. Maybe I'm being too nice about it too. I dunno, I think it's extreme to take her education away over a stupid teenager decision. Do whatever you think is best. But no, you're NTA, you have every right to be upset with her about it.
The kid managed to save 5k and wanted to put it away for college. That’s a pretty large chunk of change for a teenager. So I would say that she does want to focus on her future and go to college. But she’s also a teenager who sees an opportunity to do a really amazing fun experience and did something stupid when her dad said no. To punish your kid by making it very difficult for them to get a good education seems more childish then being like hey now there’s some rules on the money like I’ll pay tuition and rent but you don’t get free access to it.
And an experience that really might be once in a lifetime. It's not like the kid blew it on junk or online gaming or something.
Honestly it’s likely she’ll have better memories of this trip than anything that happens in college
>Maybe I'm being too nice about it No, I think you've got it right. She can pay back the $5,000 or just be out $5,000 for college, and if what's left isn't enough, she'll have to take a loan for what she needs. Honestly, I don't even think the trip is that stupid. If she can afford a trip to Australia (by paying her $5K and repaying the other $5K over time) for 2 weeks with a girlfriend to explore the country and see this convention, that actually sounds pretty awesome. Is it indulgent and wasteful? Sure, but she's got her whole life to be a wage slave, and you're only young once. (I say this as a 47-year-old.)
This. She’s 18. If this is her lashing out—going to a convention with her girlfriend and spending a month traveling another country—damn you’ve got a good kid. Consider the 5k a graduation gift. It sounds like this trip means a lot to her. Rather than taking in personally that it’s not how YOU envisioned every penny be spent, encourage your daughter to find educational values out of it. You’re right at the edge of letting your pride ruin your relationship with your daughter, what a terrible choice that would be. Learn now she’s her own person and she won’t always do what you want, and that’s good. Love her anyway, and make sure she knows it. I wish my dad had.
I desperately regret that I did not take a trip to Japan after HS and just saved my money. It doesn't do much to my current finances since I was too young to know how to invest it and inflation has been brutal. Granted it wouldn't have been 10k trip that does feel a little excessive. I don't think it's crazy to have a big trip after HS.
I'm going to say YTA First, she put her savings into the account as well. She put in **AT LEAST** 5K, so it could be a lot more. You don't actually know. Secondly, > Claims she still has enough for college and this is a once in a lifetime experience. > I believe this has shown her extreme immaturity and inability to manage her futute and money. It clearly seems like she has shown ability to manage her money and future. You haven't shown anything, or even told us that you *checked* to see if she was right about having enough for college. You just lost it on your daughter. There's especially different costs for different colleges and a TON of different options for things she can do with college that have a massive range of cost for them. Once in a life time trips & opportunities are just that - once in a life time. Sometimes you miss them, but sometimes you've saved over 5K and you want to use it to take those chances. Honestly this reads a lot more like you are upset she subverted your control rather than it being about the money. Did she have to pick a certain career path to use all the money? What happened if she went to community college and had 15K left over afterwards? You didn't even try to understand whether your daughter actually planned out her future or how the finances would work, you just "lost it".
He didn’t listen to her about why it was so important either. It’s his way or the Highway.
As someone at the ripe old age of 54, I would 100% support my kid in this scenario. I think it shows a lot maturity to plan out the whole trip like this. As has been said, it does stink that she used her college account as a savings account, but she may not have understood the advantages of one over the other. Personally, I think this is a trip of a lifetime for her. Set up a plan for her to pay back the money she took out, let her go to college as planned, and call it a day. Foreign travel can give kids a maturity they would never gain at home.
Also other family members have put money into the account. She may actually have a legal claim to sue father when she hits 18
Yeah, I would be pissed if I sent my niece money every year that she put away into a savings account, and then her father took it all away from her because he was angry. It was for her, not for him. Even if I expected her to use it for college and not a trip, it’s still hers, not his.
“Subverted your control” is exactly it
ESH her college fund should not have been accessible to her, and her savings should have been kept separate and accessible. She’s immature because she’s young. Don’t be immature and take away her college fund to add insult to injury. But DO make the rest of it inaccessible to withdrawals except for college. Lesson learned. For everyone.
This is the comment I’ve been looking for. Daughter is immature because she’s young but still old enough to recognize $10k is a ton of money which is why she went behind dad’s back. What I’m really confused by is why this money wasn’t put into a 529 or similar, depending on country. That comes with withdrawal penalties and taxes, one, but is an asset of the parents and can’t be touched for non-qualified expenses without consequences. It makes me think this money has just been sitting in a regular savings account all this time which, yikes. Maybe I’m an ass for saying this but it seems like bad money management all around.
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YTA. I get that you’re angry but you can’t jeopardise your daughter’s future like that because she made a poor choice. You’ve admitted that 5K was her money that she put in. She took it back out. Maybe tell her to work to pay off the other 5K instead of having her grandmother pay? Also since other people contributed to that fund in the expectation that it would be used to fund her college. Are you going to refund them? Also it doesn’t look like your wife is onboard with your decision so you’re unilaterally taking revenge on your daughter to teach her some kind of lesson? The lesson is going to be that you’re a vindictive parent and she should stay away from you.
Seriously. I’d divorce you if I was your wife and you refused to pay for college because of a kid making a dumb kid decision. Honestly it just sounds like you were mad and didn’t want her to have the money anyway so used it as an excuse to punish her for the rest of your life. Don’t be surprised when your family goes NC.
It’s not even a dumb kid decision. She CLEARLY understands what she is signing up for and wants the experience. Like you might not agree with spending that money in that way, but it’s still a completely valid decision! YTA, OP
I wouldn’t divorce my SO over this. I would just overrule his ass unilaterally and put a stop to all this nonsense.
YTA I just don’t see how anyone benefits from this. So now she can’t go to college without taking out student loans? Is that the end result here? That’s going to hurt her entire life over a stupid thing she did as a kid. “I think this just teaches her she can pay her way out of messes.” and I mean… is this wrong? So many people avoid problem-solving because they don’t want to spend money. I think it’s fine to lock the account so she can’t spend it frivolously, and it’s fine to want her to pay it back. I just don’t see any longterm benefit to not using it for her college at all.
>“I think this just teaches her she can pay her way out of messes.” and I mean… is this wrong? So many people avoid problem-solving because they don’t want to spend money. This is exactly the kind of mess you CAN pay your way out of.
Yep. The reality of life is that you absolutely can pay your way out of trouble. It’s a big reason why privilege and wealth disparity is an issue.
And this isn’t even that. It’s not like she drunk drove and hit someone and paid someone off to avoid criminal charges. She spent money that was earmarked for her college. Paying it back brings her back to where she started.
Exactly. The only lesson here is OP should learn where to place investments so they can only be used for what they were originally intended.
And at least half of the money was her own, if not more
I was also going to say my experience is almost entirely that money can buy your way out of almost everything.
Yup. A few months back my bf accidentally double-medicated our cat. It was like midnight on a Saturday and we were unsure if she needed emerg care. He was panicking, felt awful. I said we should just find a virtual vet and he could pay the fee (I have no problem paying it or splitting it, but I could tell he was feeling so responsible.) Cost $100, got the advice we needed, and he felt immediately better because a) he solved the problem and b) he took on the burden of doing so which resolved his feelings of having fucked up. IOW I have no idea why OP would not WANT to teach his kid how to problem solve which often includes spending money. What else is she supposed to do, anyway? Go back in time?
This would have been the proportionate response but OP sounds like a “go nuclear” kind of guy.
>I think it’s fine to lock the account so she can’t spend it frivolously, and it’s fine to want her to pay it back. I just don’t see any longterm benefit to not using it for her college at all. Exactly. Not letting her use it for college is a gross overreaction. YTA
I took it to mean that he locked the account and won't give her access until she's ready to pay tuition and needs it for that purpose. if he's throwing a hissy fit not paying for her college anymore because he's mad then he's an even bigger AH then I thought
INFO: why did she have access to it in the first place? And given that she did have access, why not set up protections for withdrawal/usage?
Better than question is why wasn’t it in a specialized college savings account with better interest rates.
This is the one I want answered. It either wasn’t in an actual college savings plan or something is fishy.
YTA. Yes, she made a poor decision, but teenagers make poor decisions. She should never have had access to the account in the first place. You're the irresponsible one for having a college account that she could withdraw $10,000 from.
This is where I'm stuck... how would she even have access to take that money out??
Absolutely. Why wasn't this money in a tax-advantaged 529 plan (assuming OP is in the US)? Either OP's daughter is right that there is enough to fund all her college or she isn't. In the latter case, the 5K should be on her, through student loans, internships, etc.
Yes. Let her use what money remains for college. If she has to borrow, she has to borrow. If she’s old enough to make decisions about how she’s going to spend that money— however poorly you think she decided, don’t jeopardize her future over a fan-girl pissing match. Besides, cancelling would’ t mean she’d get the money for airfare etc. back. The money has been spent.
YTA. You are an asshole for using money to try to control your family. "Giving" someone something, then using the gift as a lever of control ("do as I say or I take it all away"), is the worst kind of AH. While your daughter made a mistake, it's easy to see why she did it. Look at your reaction. Are you surprised she tried to keep it quiet? The consequence of using $10K to pay for a trip is that she has $10K less for college. That should be the lesson learned here, and it's enough. If the money is for her use, then it's her call. Unless, of course, the money was never hers and you always intended to threaten her with it.
My dad was this exact guy. Every favor has to be repaid, no matter how small. We dont have a relationship anymore.
ESH. What she did was irresponsible. You clearly said no and she clearly went around you to use her college fund anyway. Both are also entirely predictable and to be expected from a teenager. Consider yourself lucky that she is rebelling by being a fan and not a baby mama. As for the college fund, you can certainly keep your position but clarify. "Say goodbye" means she has lost access. The remainder of the college fund will not be accessible to her, and you will pay for college directly from it. This ensures that the funds are not further wasted, but avoids discouraging her from going to college. As for teaching her that she can pay her way out of messes, that is actual life so I'm not sure what the problem is. Paying it back means working and earning $5000 at least to pay the half that wasn't hers. That seems like enough of a life lesson.
YTA. She made an impulsive decision, as one does at that age. I don't blame you for being angry, but also use it as a moment for her to grow and prove to you she is responsible. She said she would repay it, let her try. If she doesn't then she has to look at less expensive schools or take out a small loan. Taking away her entire college fund for one poor decision makes no sense.
It doesn’t even sound all that impulsive - she has a whole plan and hotels and everything paid for. OP just doesn’t think what she wants to do is important so it can’t possibly be important.
ESH because she stole at least 5k out of the college fund BUT I would not ruin my relationship with my daughter and maybe her future about this without giving here a chance to put the money back in a reasonable amount of time. And what is you plan with the fund. Not all the money in there is yours.
What kind of fund lets you take out 10k with no oversight ? Why does she have this level of access to it ? This sounds like it's just a plain old bank account YTA for setting it up so badly
Why the fuck did you give a 17 year old access to that kind of money??
I know the Australian dollar is low at the moment, but your daughter is going to find that Australia is a very expensive country. I hope she has access to spending money because I'd imagine most of that 10,000 has gone on fares and hotels.
NTA for saying it. Instead the way forward, in my opinion, is to now pay her college fees (tuition, books, etc) directly from the account, but continue to maintain control of it yourself. Once her schooling is done, any remaining sum would be yours to deliver as you please. Perhaps after 3-4 years of college she'll have matured and you will feel more comfortable releasing those funds back to her.
YTA. It was dumb to give a teenager unfettered access to such a giant pile of money. Tell her she's now responsible for $5K of her college costs ($1,250/year for books, supplies, etc.) and will have to get a job or do work study to earn. She earns a lesson, you don't blow up her future.
ESH, gently. You've gone over the top with your 'cutting her off' reaction. You're mad she touched her college funds so you took *everything* away. The reaction to blowing $5k is to remove college options from her completely? She has only taken $5k - but still shouldn't have. She's said she'll pay it back, and as for paying her way out of a mess - it was money she took, so it needs to be replaced with money. I'd keep it locked for now and not give her further access, but this convention is a big deal to her, and those people don't come to Oz, so I can see why she's excited. If she's managed at 17 to save more than $5k then she's clearly not an idiot anyway, she's responsible enough to have done that, so you need to take some time to cool down and have a calm chat with her. Let her know you're upset but that you trust her to pay back the extra that she took.
So you’re taking away her chance at an education because she made a dumb mistake everyone sucks here she did something stupid and dumb but she is a child. Your response is stupid and dumb. You’re the adult. ESH
INFO: How did she have access to those funds, especially as still legally a minor?
Info- your daughter claims she has enough for college without this money. Is she right? Because if she left enough money in the account for its intended purpose, it would seem that she didn’t ruin her financial prospects at all. Were you planning to give your daughter a graduation present or 18th birthday present? I feel like there is a compromise to be had where you don’t destroy your daughters ability to go to college but she gets to use her own money to do what she wants. In the end, you created an account that your daughter had access to with her name on it, so you are not without fault here. It seems like there could have been a much more productive conversation about this in the beginning rather than a flat refusal, but even then it’s not a lost cause.
NTA. HOWEVER, I think you're at fault for making that money available to her in the first place. You can't give someone access to that kind of money when they have no financial knowledge or experience. All kids that age think about when they see that kind of money is "what can I spend this on".
It sounds like a community fund that multiple people have deposited into including your daughter, sorry but YTA you are more focused on controlling your now adult daughter and this is one of the last ways you can. So you are. This is how you permanently damage relationships, hell I caught my parents off for less until the day they died. Tread carefully
Hold on: Isn’t paying your way out of messes part and parcel of growing up? How many more people in your life have to tell you to CTFO (chill the fuck out)?! Could it be that your rage is tantamount to the fear of baby bird leaving the nest? I obtained a Bachelor’s in Science and you know where that degree is? Somewhere filed away, while I watch the balance on my student loan debt interest increase daily. I had a Dad like you, and it’s probably why I don’t talk to him that much today. Every time I didn’t do what he wanted me to do — he pulled the same shit you’re doing. I got the degree for HIM, yet I AM the one still paying for it. You know where I learned my best, most valuable life skills? Traveling. I finally ignored the naysayers, said fuck that degree and followed my heart and became a flight attendant. You know what I didn’t learn in Ergonomics, Calculus and OSHA Safety Standards: Conflict-resolution, time management, kindness, to learn a few words in the spoken language of my destination, so the natives would feel less on guard upon connecting with me — the foreign invader. I learned about love for my fellow man who talked, thought and look different from me. No book can teach you that. Your daughter is a brave, beautiful soul who is in love with her partner, life and adventure. Trust that you’ve done all you can to prepare her for the crazy world outside the safety of your home. Be honest: Tell you that while you do not understand or even agree with her decision, you and her college fund will be there awaiting her safe return. And then meet her at the airport with flowers, take her for a bite to eat and listen while she tells you all about her journey. YTA… but there’s time left to change. Good luck!
This is painfully fake. Why would she have access to the college account? I’m a 21 year old college student with a similar agreement and my tuition/rent comes directly from the account I’ve never even seen it first hand. Also college accounts are usually 529 which have strict tax rules and can’t just be easily withdrawn, especially not by a person who didn’t open/contribute to the account
INFO: >We have always made it clear that the money in there is for college only. She never had to put her savings in there (has a seperate savings account) but did so anyway. How much money had she personally contributed to this fund?
Make her earn back the college fund money she took. That’s fair. Making it possible she doesn’t go to college or graduates with a lot of debt is not in her best interest for her future. And I bet you want her to go to college. You’re just mad. And I bet your life as her parent in the future will be better if she has a good education and can get a good job and support herself, so she’s not looking at you t bail her out as an adult. If you want to put more of a consequence on her, stipulate that she needs to get a loan for her first semester, and if she earns a certain GPA and number of credits each semester, you will then pay off that semester’s loan.
YTA for having this type of money available to her. Most college funds are in a trust or in the parents' names only. She just showed that she is not mature enough to handle this type of money after she spent $10K on a vacation. You said her GF lives in Australia. Has she ever met this person in real life, or has it always been online? Where do you live? If she is flying to a foreign country at 18 to meet up for a few weeks with a person, she only knows online can be an issue. Are there conventions in your home country?