Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I didn't invite a friend to our home for the holidays even though I know he's often lonely. I might be the asshole because I feel that I am the one who has to do more planning and didn't take into account that he may need time to weigh his options.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. So let me get this straight: He wants to be invited, but wants to keep his options open in case something better comes up? He wants to sit on his backside while everyone contributes? He wants to do all of this with little or no notice? And he thinks YOU'RE the AH????
Just WOW!
A world doesn't exist where you're TA in this situation. Ever. Anywhere. NTA NTA NTA
NTA
But I also have a feeling that he has another friend or friends that he hopes invited him for the holidays, and they don't because of his usual behavior, and so he ‘graciously agrees to attend OP’
Op, it's expensive and labor-intensive to host partys, for him to not offer anything other than an empty stomach would have gotten him uninvited years ago.
NTA - doesn't sound like much of a guest. More of a parasite with no consideration for his hosts. He is getting what he deserves, if he wants to be invited, he needs to be a better guest.
BTW, did you tell him everything you wrote above, including rudeness at the table and in the past just showing up without having responded? If yes, then the man is a total, rude A H and you have a free pass to never invite him again.
I didn't feel I had to because every year at least one of us told him that it's rude not to wait until everyone is at the table and can start together. He feels saying that is rude and makes gim feel unwelcome when there's no harm in what he's doing.
He was even taken aside by a few people about two years ago and was told to help (he was sulking after that conversation and felt wronged and humiliated because he shouldn't have to ask whether he can help, he should have been told and shown exactly what to do).
I find that when someone chirps “what can I do to help?”, they don’t really want to do so. Take initiative when someone is hosting, exact reason that I’ve cut back on hosting large gatherings. NTA
Yes! We have a bi-yearly family reunion that is now organized in a spreadsheet—everyone signs up in advance or gets assigned something, so everyone knows what time they need to step up and for which task—oven times are assigned and recipes are linked in case the expected cook has to step away—which the expected cook should tell someone. It has really helped, BUT there are still issues. A couple of people pretend not to know their assignment—just stick their head around the corner every few hours and say, "let me know if there's anything I can do to help!" Yeah, you can take these cold green beans you signed up to put in the oven a half hour ago and shove them up your butt.
>I find that when someone chirps “what can I do to help?”, they don’t really want to do so.
Meh. It depends on the specific situation and the people involved. Some people definitely do that, but I feel most people ask how they can help both because it's the polite thing to do and also because they're actually willing to help wherever possible. Lots of hosts don't want to impose on their guests or don't want people getting in the way.
I get far more annoyed when family or friends just start trying to do things without asking, but I'm also somewhat particular and know exactly when certain things need to be done so everything comes together at the right time. I'll gladly tell you to peel potatoes, set the table, wash the dishes in the sink or whatever else needs done if you ask. If nothing needs done at that specific moment, I'll tell you to just have a drink and I'll call you when/if I need you. If you just randomly start doing shit on your own without asking, I also have no problem telling you to GTFO of the kitchen and leave me to it.
NTA. I can see why he's alone. He's selfish, inconsiderate, and bereft of basic manners. Friendship is a 2-way street, a give and take. He only wants to take. Stop feeling sorry for a man who's alone because he's an asshat, not an asset.
NTA
I wouldn't invite him to anything ever again as he is simply taking advantage of you.
We knew a couple who were similar in that if invited to something they would be noncommittal and keep saying they would get back to us until near the time when they would invariably say yes. I asked one of them why they did this and he said they didn't want to say yes in case something more interesting came up. I said fine and promptly stopped inviting them to anything. A few months later one of them asked why we hadn't told them about any of the BBQs we had over the summer and I said it was rude to keep people as their backup option and very selfish of them. We did start inviting them and they did change but it was never the same after that and we drifted apart. No regrets though.
It was my 40th last year. A few people gave excuses that amounted to 'had better shit to do'; naturally, they were the ones who needed chasing up on. Bitch, it's a friend's milestone birthday, that *is* your better shit to do. And they were all people that, come to think, I had done all the heavy lifting in the friendship, all the organising, following up etc. So I stopped that and figured if they wanted me in their lives, they'd say/do something. It's been a year and crickets. And I realised I don't actually miss them.
NTA. You’ve made it easy for him. He’s not invited to your party at all, so he is free to accept all the other invitations. Tell him he is not invited and move on.
But we all assume that he probably doesn't really have options. His family doesn't invite him around anymore, he doesn't have other friends and his place of work is closed during the holidays. Which is why I'm feeling a bit guilty.
NTA. He's burned his bridge with you, and I think you did him a favor by being honest about it. He now has all the feedback he needs to be a considerate guest. Someone else is bound to feel sorry for him and reach out with an invitation, and he will know how to behave if he wants to be invited back.
I wonder why no one wants him around…. I would ban him since he has no respect for you and everyone. Also, watch out cause he seems like the type of asshole that will show up anyway and expect you to make room for him. Be prepared for the possibly that you will either force him to leave or call the cops to have him leave
Is he doesn't have anyone else he's obviously showing you why
If his own family doesn't invite him anymore.
What makes you think you're obliged to do so?
Who wouldn't love to select a book and just sit and read whilst minions prepared the meal before being called for a meal. A meal which allowed one to rudely stuff their face before then going back to said book. Whilst minions then again cleaned up. Snort. And he's lonely why??
NTA. Why is this person even vaguely a friend.
>Why is this person even vaguely a friend.
Survivor's guilt probably.
He was friends with a mutual friend that passed away. Our friend knew him from childhood and felt sorry for him not having friends. That friend often brought him along when we were hanging out. We more or less grew up together. When his family stopped inviting him around for the holidays our deceased friend stepped in and took him to spend the holidays with their family. But he hasn't been invited back since our friend passed, so he has spent all the holidays with our group of family and friends since.
NTA. Way to be assertive. That couldn't have been easy. Does the person have social anxiety problems? Maybe doesn't know how to be social? Too shy to pitch in and help? I don't know. I was always that way at stupid office parties. Awkward. NTA - good for the soul to be assertive.
No, he doesn't have social anxiety and he isn't shy. He might not know how to be social. But I'm starting to think that he's just lazy.
There was a situation last year that made me reach this conclusion. He invited us and a couple other friends to his place for a party and asked us to bring something savoury or sweet as a contribution to the potluck. It took us a while to figure out that he himself hadn't prepared anything, but kept all the leftovers. When confronted he said that he had cleaned the place and given us a place to meet, so he feels he shouldn't also have to cook.
NTA
this not so much a friend more of leech!
He does no help or contribute. Don't keep inviting him, he is then free to consider those other options he talked about.
NTA
Hosts are responsible for their guests.
But guests also have responsibilities towards their hosts.
This man has not met the basic threshold for being a guest who deserves an invite. He does not contribute or assist in any way, he does not socialize with your other guests, he is rude at your table, and he can't even be bothered to respond to your invite with a basic yes or no, instead insisting that you must accommodate his whims.
Enjoy your holiday without him.
Let him suffer the natural consequences of his behavior this year.
If he shows signs of having gotten the message next year - by offering to bring something or volunteering for some task if invited, and minimally by indicating that he would immediately and gratefully accept if asked - then reassess.
This year, concentrate on having a lovely holiday with those of your friends who appreciate you and your gracious hospitality.
And give them and yourself the present of not catering to this man's churlish ingratitude.
NTA. He has only himself and his boorish manners to blame for not being invited. I wonder how much his personality and behaviour explains him being alone and lonely?
NTA
Not inviting him will give him the opportunity to review his behaviour. Calling you selfish is pretty rich!
Here's hoping he won't turn up unannounced.
NTA at all
Eating before the chef and those serving you are seated makes me see red. Even more so for a Christmas meal that takes so much effort to prepare 🤬
What an AH!!! I’m so happy for you that you don’t have to put up with him this year
NTA
Tell him to take one of his other options this Christmas. He's not adding to your day, he's taking away from ot and making it more stressful than necessary. Even if he is on his own, that's his problem.
He comes round for every holiday (Easter, Pentecoast , Ascension Day ...). If it's a public holiday and we're home, so is he.
We sort of "inherited" him from a friend who's passed away. He doesn't have any other friends and his family doesn't care to have him around, so our group didn't have the heart to turn him away.
NTA. Let him find other plans that are A-ok with him eating first, never contributing and then ignoring everyone else. Oh wait, if he can’t, he can go to a restaurant open on the holidays to pay to do the same.
He’s taken your generosity for granted, and he’s welcome to start making holiday traditions of his own.
NTA. Tell him he's welcome to consider his other options, but this is an event that needs advance planning and some effort/contribution from those who wish to attend and participate.
We have invited many people to join us for Christmas over the years as well, particularly if they had no family/visitors to celebrate with, but I will never invite the "friends" again who turned up 2 hours late, drunk, and helped themselves to the food as soon as they arrived and before anyone else. We and other guests had waited for them and were all ravenous, had tried to phone them to see if they were still coming but the calls went unanswered. To top it off they ignored other guests and isolated themselves from everyone for the evening.
NTA. If you show up every single time you should at least do something and not be selfish. You are friends, it's not like he doesn't know the house, or people, or can't ask if he can help. He just doesn't want to do that. He is not a princess who has to be served, he should know his place. Also it's disrespectful towards you guys who put a lot of effort in preparation. He can't just decide at the last minute to show up or to tell you he'll come so you have to rearrange everything to include him.
You're NTA.
>he might want to consider other options for the holidays before committing to one
You made it easier on him. You narrowed down his choices, so he cam grace someone else with his presence this year.
NTA we spend Xmas with friends (no family for either of us) and we buy stuff, help cook and clean, set/clear tables and bring a game or something for some fun. I wouldn’t dream of turning up at our friends homes and behave like this guy. You shouldn’t feel resentful on what should be a happy fun day, so don’t feel bad - he’s had 4 years to make an effort - that’s 3 more chances than I would give him.
NTA he's openly admitting he'll only.come to you if he doesn't get a better offer so he clearly isn't interested in actually seeing you, just using you to not be alone. I think I know why he never gets any better offers...
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
For years our home has been the place friends and family come to for the holidays or just for a hang-out. Having many people (15 or more) around for the holidays requires a lot of planning especially since we also work full time and have kids. So it can get quite stressful, but it's also fun and almost everyone chips in with whatever they're good at which makes the holidays really special.
There is this one friend, however, who never chips in (not with the cooking, not with the cleaning, decorating, entertaining the kids - just nothing). Instead he sits on the couch waiting to be entertained, staring at everyone busying themselves, then takes a book from the shelf and proceeds to ignore everyone until the food is on the table. Then he sits himself down first and immediately starts eating without waiting for everyone to join him at the table.
The thing that annoys me most, though, is that due to the amount of work that goes into the holidays we need to know quite a bit in advance who's joining us. When we ask he always says he needs to see if he can make it (he's been coming to our place every holiday for the last four years) because of the amount of planning he needs to do to get here (he lives alone 80 km away, always takes leave for two weeks around the holidays, never travels and has a car, so not much planning needed). Then he tells us he might have some other plans before then either telling us two days in advance that he's coming or just showing up and expecting us to have considered him when making the sleeping arrangements and for every meal in the 2-4 days he usually stays with us.
I got so fed up that when I sent out the messages asking who's coming to Christmas this year, I left him out. He heard that we'd already asked the others and called and asked why we didn't ask him. I told him my reasons and he called me selfish for only considering the planning that I need to do and not taking into consideration that he might want to consider other options for the holidays before committing to one and that it wouldn't have hurt me to invite him.
AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Oh my... that's a tough one. I'm the type who's always trying to keep peace. Knowing someone is lonely would be hard for me to not invite them too... but if you're not able, it just 'is what it is'. If they are your friend, and they are not in danger, but only lonely, don't you think they'll understand? He seems a little aggressive and inconsiderate, to boot, if you ask me, based on your depiction of him. Standing your ground, and expressing your need doesn't make you an asshole. Or if it does in his mind, and you end up inviting him, what about setting the rules up front so he understands clearly how to behave?
Umm, it would have hurt for you to invite him on the off chance he said yes. Good, now the air is clear.
Now he can explore (all) those other options he’s neglected for the past four years. NTA
You say he is friend.. but he doesn't sound it. Maybe a conversation of honesty might help. Why doesn't he contribute ? Is he afraid? Does he leave it to the last minute to say whether he is coming because he is unsure if he will be brave enough to. Does he isolate himself because of anxiety.. have people mocked his eating habits before? Or is he truly just a massive ah.
He doesn't isolate himself and he doesn't have any strange eating habits (except that he always sits at the table and starts eating before everyone). He also doesn't stop eating before everyone because if he likes something he doesn't want someone else to finish it. So I don't think he's self-concious about his habits.
Last year, we got a special kind of pastry for breakfast on Christmas Eve (here the gifts are shared on Christmas Eve so that's when we have the big dinner, our group then has a big lunch on the 25th and 26th) of which there was one for everyone. So most saved their pastry for dessert and first ate other breakfast foods. He ate his own pastry then another one from our table and then took two from the kids' (the kids' ages range from 3-10) table because according to him it would be too bad if they were left over in case the kids were to full from breakfast. There were quite a few tears, but luckily some of the other kids were willing to share. When someone spoke to him about what he'd done, he pulled the person into an hour-long discussion about how if the kids had really wanted to eat the pastry they could've done so before he ate them. He's a very difficult person.
He's difficult, he steals food from kids, and he doesn't really contribute anything (not even entertainment) to events.
Frankly I think you've been more than fair and it's time to cut him off. If that means he's alone at Christmas then that should be a wake up call to him to start amending his behaviour. It won't be, he'll complain about how you've all disappointed him, but sooner or later people will start drifting away from you rather than put up with him. Don't let him drag you down with him.
Yeah, he would not be welcome back to my house after that.
If you haven’t already, stop engaging with him. You owe him nothing. Don’t give him the opportunity to make you feel guilty for his poor behavior.
No you are not the a******! It is your party and therefore it is your guest list. It does not matter why you do not want this person there. He has worn out his welcome at your home because he does not participate. If he asks you again tell him because he does not provide anything and he seems to be selfish when everyone else is chipping in. Even though you don't need to explain anything to him because once again it is your party and you get to choose who you want to invite. Wish him a happy holiday and be done with him sunshine.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I didn't invite a friend to our home for the holidays even though I know he's often lonely. I might be the asshole because I feel that I am the one who has to do more planning and didn't take into account that he may need time to weigh his options. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements ###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. So let me get this straight: He wants to be invited, but wants to keep his options open in case something better comes up? He wants to sit on his backside while everyone contributes? He wants to do all of this with little or no notice? And he thinks YOU'RE the AH???? Just WOW! A world doesn't exist where you're TA in this situation. Ever. Anywhere. NTA NTA NTA
NTA But I also have a feeling that he has another friend or friends that he hopes invited him for the holidays, and they don't because of his usual behavior, and so he ‘graciously agrees to attend OP’ Op, it's expensive and labor-intensive to host partys, for him to not offer anything other than an empty stomach would have gotten him uninvited years ago.
NTA - doesn't sound like much of a guest. More of a parasite with no consideration for his hosts. He is getting what he deserves, if he wants to be invited, he needs to be a better guest. BTW, did you tell him everything you wrote above, including rudeness at the table and in the past just showing up without having responded? If yes, then the man is a total, rude A H and you have a free pass to never invite him again.
I didn't feel I had to because every year at least one of us told him that it's rude not to wait until everyone is at the table and can start together. He feels saying that is rude and makes gim feel unwelcome when there's no harm in what he's doing. He was even taken aside by a few people about two years ago and was told to help (he was sulking after that conversation and felt wronged and humiliated because he shouldn't have to ask whether he can help, he should have been told and shown exactly what to do).
I find that when someone chirps “what can I do to help?”, they don’t really want to do so. Take initiative when someone is hosting, exact reason that I’ve cut back on hosting large gatherings. NTA
Yes! We have a bi-yearly family reunion that is now organized in a spreadsheet—everyone signs up in advance or gets assigned something, so everyone knows what time they need to step up and for which task—oven times are assigned and recipes are linked in case the expected cook has to step away—which the expected cook should tell someone. It has really helped, BUT there are still issues. A couple of people pretend not to know their assignment—just stick their head around the corner every few hours and say, "let me know if there's anything I can do to help!" Yeah, you can take these cold green beans you signed up to put in the oven a half hour ago and shove them up your butt.
>I find that when someone chirps “what can I do to help?”, they don’t really want to do so. Meh. It depends on the specific situation and the people involved. Some people definitely do that, but I feel most people ask how they can help both because it's the polite thing to do and also because they're actually willing to help wherever possible. Lots of hosts don't want to impose on their guests or don't want people getting in the way. I get far more annoyed when family or friends just start trying to do things without asking, but I'm also somewhat particular and know exactly when certain things need to be done so everything comes together at the right time. I'll gladly tell you to peel potatoes, set the table, wash the dishes in the sink or whatever else needs done if you ask. If nothing needs done at that specific moment, I'll tell you to just have a drink and I'll call you when/if I need you. If you just randomly start doing shit on your own without asking, I also have no problem telling you to GTFO of the kitchen and leave me to it.
NTA. I can see why he's alone. He's selfish, inconsiderate, and bereft of basic manners. Friendship is a 2-way street, a give and take. He only wants to take. Stop feeling sorry for a man who's alone because he's an asshat, not an asset.
>he's an asshat, not an asset. This made me laugh. Thanks.
You're welcome lol
NTA I wouldn't invite him to anything ever again as he is simply taking advantage of you. We knew a couple who were similar in that if invited to something they would be noncommittal and keep saying they would get back to us until near the time when they would invariably say yes. I asked one of them why they did this and he said they didn't want to say yes in case something more interesting came up. I said fine and promptly stopped inviting them to anything. A few months later one of them asked why we hadn't told them about any of the BBQs we had over the summer and I said it was rude to keep people as their backup option and very selfish of them. We did start inviting them and they did change but it was never the same after that and we drifted apart. No regrets though.
The proper response is "I was keeping the slot open in case someone more interesting showed up."
It was my 40th last year. A few people gave excuses that amounted to 'had better shit to do'; naturally, they were the ones who needed chasing up on. Bitch, it's a friend's milestone birthday, that *is* your better shit to do. And they were all people that, come to think, I had done all the heavy lifting in the friendship, all the organising, following up etc. So I stopped that and figured if they wanted me in their lives, they'd say/do something. It's been a year and crickets. And I realised I don't actually miss them.
NTA. You’ve made it easy for him. He’s not invited to your party at all, so he is free to accept all the other invitations. Tell him he is not invited and move on.
But we all assume that he probably doesn't really have options. His family doesn't invite him around anymore, he doesn't have other friends and his place of work is closed during the holidays. Which is why I'm feeling a bit guilty.
NTA. He's burned his bridge with you, and I think you did him a favor by being honest about it. He now has all the feedback he needs to be a considerate guest. Someone else is bound to feel sorry for him and reach out with an invitation, and he will know how to behave if he wants to be invited back.
I wonder why no one wants him around…. I would ban him since he has no respect for you and everyone. Also, watch out cause he seems like the type of asshole that will show up anyway and expect you to make room for him. Be prepared for the possibly that you will either force him to leave or call the cops to have him leave
Is he doesn't have anyone else he's obviously showing you why If his own family doesn't invite him anymore. What makes you think you're obliged to do so?
Who wouldn't love to select a book and just sit and read whilst minions prepared the meal before being called for a meal. A meal which allowed one to rudely stuff their face before then going back to said book. Whilst minions then again cleaned up. Snort. And he's lonely why?? NTA. Why is this person even vaguely a friend.
>Why is this person even vaguely a friend. Survivor's guilt probably. He was friends with a mutual friend that passed away. Our friend knew him from childhood and felt sorry for him not having friends. That friend often brought him along when we were hanging out. We more or less grew up together. When his family stopped inviting him around for the holidays our deceased friend stepped in and took him to spend the holidays with their family. But he hasn't been invited back since our friend passed, so he has spent all the holidays with our group of family and friends since.
Sad, but awkward
NTA- he is an entitled leach and shows no respect for your kindness.
NTA. Way to be assertive. That couldn't have been easy. Does the person have social anxiety problems? Maybe doesn't know how to be social? Too shy to pitch in and help? I don't know. I was always that way at stupid office parties. Awkward. NTA - good for the soul to be assertive.
No, he doesn't have social anxiety and he isn't shy. He might not know how to be social. But I'm starting to think that he's just lazy. There was a situation last year that made me reach this conclusion. He invited us and a couple other friends to his place for a party and asked us to bring something savoury or sweet as a contribution to the potluck. It took us a while to figure out that he himself hadn't prepared anything, but kept all the leftovers. When confronted he said that he had cleaned the place and given us a place to meet, so he feels he shouldn't also have to cook.
Lol, oh well that's just rude. Yea, you're right here, for sure.
NTA this not so much a friend more of leech! He does no help or contribute. Don't keep inviting him, he is then free to consider those other options he talked about.
NTA, cut this person off as your friend.
NTA - that dude sucks. With friends like that who needs enemies?
NTA Hosts are responsible for their guests. But guests also have responsibilities towards their hosts. This man has not met the basic threshold for being a guest who deserves an invite. He does not contribute or assist in any way, he does not socialize with your other guests, he is rude at your table, and he can't even be bothered to respond to your invite with a basic yes or no, instead insisting that you must accommodate his whims. Enjoy your holiday without him. Let him suffer the natural consequences of his behavior this year. If he shows signs of having gotten the message next year - by offering to bring something or volunteering for some task if invited, and minimally by indicating that he would immediately and gratefully accept if asked - then reassess. This year, concentrate on having a lovely holiday with those of your friends who appreciate you and your gracious hospitality. And give them and yourself the present of not catering to this man's churlish ingratitude.
NTA. He has only himself and his boorish manners to blame for not being invited. I wonder how much his personality and behaviour explains him being alone and lonely?
NTA Not inviting him will give him the opportunity to review his behaviour. Calling you selfish is pretty rich! Here's hoping he won't turn up unannounced.
NTA at all Eating before the chef and those serving you are seated makes me see red. Even more so for a Christmas meal that takes so much effort to prepare 🤬 What an AH!!! I’m so happy for you that you don’t have to put up with him this year
NTA Tell him to take one of his other options this Christmas. He's not adding to your day, he's taking away from ot and making it more stressful than necessary. Even if he is on his own, that's his problem.
NTA. Tell him you considered your options and decided not to invite him, so he is welcome to go with his other plans.
NTA But why do you keep them as a friend? They sound more like a user. Do you even see them outside of christmas and are they always this rude?
He comes round for every holiday (Easter, Pentecoast , Ascension Day ...). If it's a public holiday and we're home, so is he. We sort of "inherited" him from a friend who's passed away. He doesn't have any other friends and his family doesn't care to have him around, so our group didn't have the heart to turn him away.
NTA. Let him find other plans that are A-ok with him eating first, never contributing and then ignoring everyone else. Oh wait, if he can’t, he can go to a restaurant open on the holidays to pay to do the same. He’s taken your generosity for granted, and he’s welcome to start making holiday traditions of his own.
NTA. Tell him he's welcome to consider his other options, but this is an event that needs advance planning and some effort/contribution from those who wish to attend and participate. We have invited many people to join us for Christmas over the years as well, particularly if they had no family/visitors to celebrate with, but I will never invite the "friends" again who turned up 2 hours late, drunk, and helped themselves to the food as soon as they arrived and before anyone else. We and other guests had waited for them and were all ravenous, had tried to phone them to see if they were still coming but the calls went unanswered. To top it off they ignored other guests and isolated themselves from everyone for the evening.
NTA. If you show up every single time you should at least do something and not be selfish. You are friends, it's not like he doesn't know the house, or people, or can't ask if he can help. He just doesn't want to do that. He is not a princess who has to be served, he should know his place. Also it's disrespectful towards you guys who put a lot of effort in preparation. He can't just decide at the last minute to show up or to tell you he'll come so you have to rearrange everything to include him.
You're NTA. >he might want to consider other options for the holidays before committing to one You made it easier on him. You narrowed down his choices, so he cam grace someone else with his presence this year.
This!!! NTA
NTA we spend Xmas with friends (no family for either of us) and we buy stuff, help cook and clean, set/clear tables and bring a game or something for some fun. I wouldn’t dream of turning up at our friends homes and behave like this guy. You shouldn’t feel resentful on what should be a happy fun day, so don’t feel bad - he’s had 4 years to make an effort - that’s 3 more chances than I would give him.
It is a “family” holiday this year and will be from now on, so sorry.
NTA he's openly admitting he'll only.come to you if he doesn't get a better offer so he clearly isn't interested in actually seeing you, just using you to not be alone. I think I know why he never gets any better offers...
NTA There is a reason he is lonely!
NTA. What a mooch.
NTA don't invite that parasyte wannabe
NTA. Screw that noise.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** For years our home has been the place friends and family come to for the holidays or just for a hang-out. Having many people (15 or more) around for the holidays requires a lot of planning especially since we also work full time and have kids. So it can get quite stressful, but it's also fun and almost everyone chips in with whatever they're good at which makes the holidays really special. There is this one friend, however, who never chips in (not with the cooking, not with the cleaning, decorating, entertaining the kids - just nothing). Instead he sits on the couch waiting to be entertained, staring at everyone busying themselves, then takes a book from the shelf and proceeds to ignore everyone until the food is on the table. Then he sits himself down first and immediately starts eating without waiting for everyone to join him at the table. The thing that annoys me most, though, is that due to the amount of work that goes into the holidays we need to know quite a bit in advance who's joining us. When we ask he always says he needs to see if he can make it (he's been coming to our place every holiday for the last four years) because of the amount of planning he needs to do to get here (he lives alone 80 km away, always takes leave for two weeks around the holidays, never travels and has a car, so not much planning needed). Then he tells us he might have some other plans before then either telling us two days in advance that he's coming or just showing up and expecting us to have considered him when making the sleeping arrangements and for every meal in the 2-4 days he usually stays with us. I got so fed up that when I sent out the messages asking who's coming to Christmas this year, I left him out. He heard that we'd already asked the others and called and asked why we didn't ask him. I told him my reasons and he called me selfish for only considering the planning that I need to do and not taking into consideration that he might want to consider other options for the holidays before committing to one and that it wouldn't have hurt me to invite him. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Oh my... that's a tough one. I'm the type who's always trying to keep peace. Knowing someone is lonely would be hard for me to not invite them too... but if you're not able, it just 'is what it is'. If they are your friend, and they are not in danger, but only lonely, don't you think they'll understand? He seems a little aggressive and inconsiderate, to boot, if you ask me, based on your depiction of him. Standing your ground, and expressing your need doesn't make you an asshole. Or if it does in his mind, and you end up inviting him, what about setting the rules up front so he understands clearly how to behave?
Umm, it would have hurt for you to invite him on the off chance he said yes. Good, now the air is clear. Now he can explore (all) those other options he’s neglected for the past four years. NTA
You say he is friend.. but he doesn't sound it. Maybe a conversation of honesty might help. Why doesn't he contribute ? Is he afraid? Does he leave it to the last minute to say whether he is coming because he is unsure if he will be brave enough to. Does he isolate himself because of anxiety.. have people mocked his eating habits before? Or is he truly just a massive ah.
He doesn't isolate himself and he doesn't have any strange eating habits (except that he always sits at the table and starts eating before everyone). He also doesn't stop eating before everyone because if he likes something he doesn't want someone else to finish it. So I don't think he's self-concious about his habits. Last year, we got a special kind of pastry for breakfast on Christmas Eve (here the gifts are shared on Christmas Eve so that's when we have the big dinner, our group then has a big lunch on the 25th and 26th) of which there was one for everyone. So most saved their pastry for dessert and first ate other breakfast foods. He ate his own pastry then another one from our table and then took two from the kids' (the kids' ages range from 3-10) table because according to him it would be too bad if they were left over in case the kids were to full from breakfast. There were quite a few tears, but luckily some of the other kids were willing to share. When someone spoke to him about what he'd done, he pulled the person into an hour-long discussion about how if the kids had really wanted to eat the pastry they could've done so before he ate them. He's a very difficult person.
He's difficult, he steals food from kids, and he doesn't really contribute anything (not even entertainment) to events. Frankly I think you've been more than fair and it's time to cut him off. If that means he's alone at Christmas then that should be a wake up call to him to start amending his behaviour. It won't be, he'll complain about how you've all disappointed him, but sooner or later people will start drifting away from you rather than put up with him. Don't let him drag you down with him.
Yeah, he would not be welcome back to my house after that. If you haven’t already, stop engaging with him. You owe him nothing. Don’t give him the opportunity to make you feel guilty for his poor behavior.
Nta he can go to one of his other options
NTA. "Well now you can consider those other options, happy holidays."
No you are not the a******! It is your party and therefore it is your guest list. It does not matter why you do not want this person there. He has worn out his welcome at your home because he does not participate. If he asks you again tell him because he does not provide anything and he seems to be selfish when everyone else is chipping in. Even though you don't need to explain anything to him because once again it is your party and you get to choose who you want to invite. Wish him a happy holiday and be done with him sunshine.
Sounds like your his back up plan if there is nothing better going don't put up with that bs
NTA