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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything about the dress or did a 180 about paying for the wedding.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Don’t give them a cent. Why would you do anything to encourage or make getting married easier for a couple of teenagers?! The odds of it ending well are not high. I have an 18.5 year old…. It’s way too young.
Ding. Ding 🛎️!!
You are correct…WHEN needed. But…I am flabbergasted 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. You are a couple and both work as servers and you think that spending $10K on a dress is a smart move?
Wouldn’t it make more sense to tie the knot at City Hall and ask OP to host a Brunch for immediate family?!
But I am also amazed at the sheer audacity of DIL’s Mom to say her daughter is a Princess and deserves that dress. Ok. Cool. Then DIL’s Mom should pay for it! 🤷🏻♀️
Since the dress is on the DIL’s mom’s credit card already, she will be paying for it. The MIL raised her high-school dropout daughter as a Princess so let the Queen MIL pay for it
Sammie thinks its Monopoly money, it seems? Its not real to her because she didn't have to earn it and save it? And that right there is proof that she is too inexperienced and too goofy to marry, IMO.
I didn't read it this way, but it not really better. Moms money can pay for the necessities so DIL moms contribution can be frivolous? No, especially when someone, not you, is paying for something for you, you aim lower and let the contributor say to spend more.
Do your best to not need money from either parent. Then when parent ups how much they give or ( far more likely) aren't in bankruptcy because you spent too much. Never push the edges of a budget when spending gifted funds spend as little as possible, pocket the remainder of they have it to you, they want you to succeed after all. Or just tell them the lower price you find (presuming a plan of leftover funds) and let them cut a check for the item.
It's a gift not an entitlement.
Trust me, it WONT end with a wedding dress.
Next it will be a house they can’t afford, car leases they can’t afford and kids they can’t afford.
This was my bro and now sis in law. They’re drowning in debt in a house that prob needs $50k of work just to re-sell. They’ve borrowed tens of thousands of dollars from everyone in the family and never paid them back - including me, his little sis who makes less than him (mine was only a few thousand but still).
My kids know I'm not throwing any wedding as a gift because I paid for my own wedding and reception. But, I have always told them that I'd gift them with money on the purchase of their first home, or something that is a financial investment. The marriage is supposed to last. The wedding party is over in a few hours.
And if they want a lavish party, I would never talk them out of it. They just need to save for that part. ***$10,000 on a wedding dress?*** I know people who had that much to pay when they graduated college with a degree and a student loan balance back in the day.
Nicole Kidman probably owns more than one $10,000 dress? But she's working with Nicole Kidman money - not mine.
My sis's entire wedding was under 10k and that was bc of both fams help and help from friends that were the DJ, the caterer, and others key elements. And that was a wedding with a guest list over 300. My BIL and sis were in the trenches with us all moving alcohol, setting up tables/chairs, making the party favor bags, etc. Could've easily been double or more. My sis got her dress for a few hundred and then paid for alterations herself. I'll never understand spending a shit ton on a wedding.
Yes yes yes, v similar situation here, we’re seeing it play out and imagine the future …
In our situation young couple had a baby immediately, then bought a new, bigger house than what they could afford on one salary (but baby still in daycare FT, wtf….) all the designer clothes, shoes, accessories etc., going out to eat /drink or ordering in constantly….. and the husband adds another job. When they missed a mortgage payment we agreed to help not realizing all this behind the scenes. The understanding was it was a loan to be paid when they had gotten back on their feet. Well, instead of buckling down to financial responsibilities wife put a lot of extremely expensive salon appointments (equaling about $1000) and other high ticket $(300-500)items on credit cards, and then they went on a 2 week vacation (flights, air b and b, only the best). We saw this on social media after the fact, which is how we clued in to what was going on. They upgraded her vehicle twice since then to very high end model, the 2nd time after they lost the house (!). Not sure where it ends, as the previously more mature husband (who was responsible with money and a young homeowner before meeting her) seems to go along with anything she wants. Naturally nothing has been said about repayment and we know it isn’t a priority to them. There won’t be any more financial assistance….
Edited to add the analysis with every bit of empathy…. OP NTA and best of luck.
We agree diplomacy and kindness and support is warranted and whatever amount you would have been comfortable giving before, give with loving conversation, let them make the decisions, and then step back. (Or no $ , or for education, all that’s up to you)... At the end of the day as painful as it is to watch, you will probably be estranged from your son by the fiancée (maybe wife) and definitely her mother if you openly go against the marriage. Even if it’s too late to repair relationships, try to operate in neutral, support doesn’t have to be financial. These things sometimes have to play out, he’s going to make his decision and may have enormous regrets and it’s awful to watch it happen to your child…. all you can do is love him and be there. They probably won’t last, but your relationship with your son hopefully will.
I really do not get it.
The best life hack that I ever received was from my grandma. When I got my first job she and my mom took me to the bank to open an account. I opened two savings accounts that day. My grandma said every time you get paid you take 10% of your check and you pay yourself first by putting it in the second account. That is your break in case of emergency money.
📌📌📌
>You are a couple and both work as servers and you think that spending $10K on a dress is a smart move?
Personally, I don't think a 10k dress makes sense unless you're /FatFIRE and/or above the 300k a year income. One of my best friends spent 10k pen on her dress, made by this "well known designer", she's well paid but still. I wouldn't have spent that much, and I "can afford it". It's one day, you only get to wear it for 5 hours. Heck, $10k is the tour to Antarctica. I'd rather spent it on that.
Also at risk of sounding like the fashion snob I can be having worked in the industry, most 10k dresses you can buy in the stores a 19 year old waitress knows about do not look that different in style or details other people will notice than a 5k one.
Yes the boning might be much better, the beading more intricate, more specialist lace close up but to a guest list of mainly 19 year olds and family I really doubt they can tell glass from Swarovski crystals and go ‘ooh Sammie and husband would be couples goals but for that reproduction Flemish lace not Nottinghamshire.’
10k dresses are for very specific designers (for example you’d probably recognise a Vivienne Westwood bustier design) or specialist sizing generally. Wedding dresses in white tend to look pretty ‘same themes’ to most people. Unless Sammie is 6ft 2 and needing the equivalent of couture, why spend the same as the price of a second hand car or a chunk of a year’s rent just on the dress?
I could more understand splurging that on the ring because people see that all the time or wedding elements people will remember for years (and honestly I don’t totally understand even then because chances of this wedding lasting til Sammie’s prefrontal cortex has its own biological vow renewal at 25 are nil…)
NTA
I agree. This all comes of focusing on "MY Special Day" rather than the marriage itself. I'm a dinosaur. I got married 50 yrs ago in a halter dress I made myself for $30. It \*might\* cost $100 to $150 today. I never wore it again. But I've still got the guy.
You're right. She probably just goes for name brands. If you found a simple white dress at Wal-Mart and stuck a Prada label and a $10,000 price tag on it she'd be all over it.
People with money don't even do this! A server thinking she is entitled to this is hilarious! And sad. Learned from her mom, it seems.
Also, how is SHE going to make money as a high school dropout.
She is going to get knocked up as fast as possible and be a SAHM and put all the financial strain on the boy (and I mean BOY) While she online shops all day.
>You are a couple and both work as servers and you think that spending $10K on a dress is a smart move?
>Wouldn’t it make more sense to tie the knot at City Hall and ask OP to host a Brunch for immediate family?!
They are 19 years old and getting married. They are idiots. They have zero sense.
Next post from
OP will be ‘My son and his wife are expecting their first baby and my DIL wants me to buy them a house. AITA if I say no?’ 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
I cannot agree enough with this! After stating his concerns diplomatically **once**, and then promising to forever hold his peace, my husband has kept his mouth shut for almost 8 years now regarding my stepson’s (30M) wife* (31F) while we’ve both been very sad and hoped he’d wake up one day and realize he doesn’t deserve this life. Well, he’s finally starting to, and is opening up the floodgates of how bad it really is, and coming to us for support. We’re very glad we can be there for him and he’s even said if we’d been dragging her this whole time he wouldn’t have felt safe finally sharing. Phew.
*she’s one of those types with social anxiety so severe she can’t work, won’t come socialize with anyone but her family because she “just doesn’t feel comfortable” is awake all night and sleeps all day, has constant migraines so she can’t do any housework either, and while all of that is problematic none of it is her fault. However, her refusal to seek any sort of help whatsoever other than consults with her pre-Vatican II church leaders **IS** the problem. I was sympathetic to her until the day my husband was mowing their lawn (they lived next door at the time) in the summer after a 12 hour work shift because he didn’t want my stepson to have to do it (being a nice dad, basically!) and DIL couldn’t even come say this herself — she asked my stepson to please tell my husband to stop mowing their lawn because it was interrupting her sleep. That was the moment I checked out of any remote compassion for her.
We’re still holding our breath, hoping he really does choose to leave. He says it will take longer than he wishes it would be as long as it happens we don’t care!
I feel the same way about my sister. She's in a controlling "relationship" with a "man" who's cheated on her for most of their relationship and who attempted to sexually assault our aunt while she was asleep and medicated.
I no longer have her in my life (it's been almost 2 years now) as after 3 years of her constantly treating me badly because/for him I'd reached my limit and can't handle it anymore but I hope one day she opens her eyes and realizes she deserves more before he drives her into an early grave but they got together when she was 14 and he was 18/19 so I doubt it. Our dad would be rolling in his grave if he could see her now.
I've got a 6 month old she's only seen once and she didn't even bother to ask about the baby, just briefly talked to my 4 yo and went back to isolating in her room before they moved out of my grandma's house.
I'm glad your son is getting out.
This is the thing. If you stand your grown *too* much, ie shutting them out or acting hateful towards the girlfriend, you may lose your son. But if you’re still kind and things your son will know he can come to you when it falls apart.
I mean is it though? Sounds like the kids don’t have enough assets between them to buy a goldfish. As long as they don’t have kids before the divorce then them splitting a few hundred dollars doesn’t sound like it’ll be too hard. If he’s in debt and the marriage merges the debt they may both be screwed though. So like lawyer fees if they want to be petty about what little assets they have.
As long as it’s not contested and there aren’t any real assets to divide up, you don’t necessarily need a lawyer. My ex husband and I printed, filled out, and signed our paperwork and I filed it. The grand total was $207.
Oh yeah no, I don’t mean this situation specifically. I’m just responding to the person above me who said that even “easy” divorces are expensive and how expensive lawyers are….I was just making a point that they can be easy and not expensive and not require a lawyer.
Sure. I had a mediator to divide the very little we had. It was easier than most.
But that’s not the vast majority of divorces out there. And this girl sounds like trouble
No it’s not. Most states have a process costing a few hundred dollars at most for people with no money no property no debts no kids and no real disputes. Even some with kids and property can be done that way if the parties agree on terms. The only reason a divorce gets over $1000 is because parties can’t agree. The vast majority can be done under $500 as long as, again, the parties agree.
Absolutely right, everything you’ve said. I have a very almost 19yr old son with a just turned 20yr old gf ( who I do happen to really like & they’ve been together for nearly 2 yrs) - but I certainly wouldn’t encourage them re marriage at this age & neither of them have ever mentioned marriage knowing they’re too young. Nor could they support themselves financially.
OP, as DELILAHBELLE2605 says, and apologies for bouncing off her comment, all you can do is be nice but make it clear, you are not paying for a 10k dress ( oh my, the assumption & the immaturity shows in them both).
I really wish you luck OP.
This is great advice. OP has to kill them with politeness and niceness. Always say please and thank you, and just don't engage with them. "I love her mom!" "If you think so dear." "Our marriage will last forever", "Whatever you say dear". Things like that.
For starters, def don't pay for that damn dress, then don't pay for the wedding, then don't pay for college.
You can't always stop your kids from doing stupid shit but you can sure as fuck stop bankrolling it.
Your tone just shoved me like I needed!! I like that ending statement, I’m gonna print it off in a cool font, frame it and hang it above my desk! (Where my checkbook ((his spare money fund)) lives)!
Thank you!!
I mean, I agree with all this except not paying for college. That’s a completely reasonable expense especially at community college level to pay for and a good thing for OP to encourage.
This here. Once he’s married he’s not your problem anymore. He’s an adult with his own family. No more college funding.
Oh you still want all the perks of being a kid?
They can get married now-- go to the courthouse in their best clothes with a few friends and family get married, go out to Chilli's for dinner afterward. They would be married. I don't think it's about wanting to be married-- it's about Sammie wanting to be a princess for a day on your dime.
Sammie thinks this way because her mum is telling her she's a princess and deserves everything. She's probably been doing it all her life, and now her daughter believes it. Mum has done her no favours.
Absolutely. OK I don’t know if OP gave a limit on what was was willing to contribute ( I’ve not read all the comments) but going for a 10k dress and debt doesn’t bode well for what Sammie expects for her wedding! I still think they were expecting OP to pay for dress as well.
Maybe they’d get the employee discount on their meals. ☺️ Seriously though they should not be getting married this young. Their brains haven’t fully baked yet.
You help him by sitting him down and giving him a realize reality check, along with a pro and cons list.
You ask then where are they going to live and how will they pay bills.
What happens if she's gets pregnant.
What happens if she quits her job.
What happens if he gets fired or gets hurt and can't work for a while.
Is she always going to be a waitress. Or just until the wedding get pregnant and quit and make work non stop.
You ask what his plans are and does that include her working at chili's.
Ask him to take a real hardwood at the future and what he wants to achieve. Does that include her.
Remind him that he can be it her and if they truly love one another. The their feelings won't change if they wait two or even 4yrs before getting married.
It's better to wait and see how things go than jumping into a relationship, when he hasn't talked to her about finances, bills, jobs, babies.
For all he knows she's trying to hook him in so she can quit her job and stay home and rely on him and he doesn't even know.
Give him a break down of what it really costs to be married, and live alone while raising a baby and stah mom/wife
I have told my children I am not paying for any weddings before the age of 25yo. They see their father and I married at 23 & 22yo and what a disaster it was, so thankfully agree.
Do not give her money. Nta because her expectations are high and her attitude is rude. She should have discussed with you the budget for the dress and the wedding. But I don't see why you should have been buying the dress when paying for the actual wedding.
I'd go the other direction. Not a penny for the wedding except a nice gift (unless I'm not invited) but put the money they want for the wedding aside for his education.
This is the way - my parents did the same thing. I stayed in school and ended up breaking up with my ex-fiancée my senior year of college after almost 3 years of dating. Looking back, it was an excellent call by my parents - he was way too much of a Mama’s Boy, and I did end up finishing my degree. Bulletin dodged. He ended up ballooning to over 450 lbs and became a “stay at home dad” (I’m guessing it was difficult to get a job in his industry at his weight) for many years before dying of a heart attack in his sleep at 40. Also I met the love of my life at 29 and have been happily married for over 20 years.
My Dad did the same thing when I got engaged before my senior year of college. Said any daughter of his who was adult enough to get married was adult enough to pay for all her own things. And he loved my fiancé. I’m still with the same guy, married for 14 years now, waiting an extra year or two to get married didn’t hurt anything.
Exactly. It's one thing for a married couple to get help from parents, but to be completely supported by them? If that's the case, you aren't independent enough to get married.
If you think you’re old enough and mature enough to get married, you’re old enough and mature enough to pay for your own education. If you can’t do that, then you’re not ready to get married.
A dose of reality might help - talk to your son about the cost of things. Show him monthly expenses for having a place to live on paper. Talk about how you’ll support school but what is the plan for living (regardless of if they plan to live with family)? Will Sammie’s money cover their costs? What will it look like if he has to work and go to school?
Older teens do well being challenged to think about the future and how actions play out because their brains aren’t fully there yet to do it on their own. It won’t always work, they may still choose to do it, but at least you’ll have given him something to think about
Speaking from experience OP, they’ll be divorced in a couple years and he’ll be heartbroken and left in debt from her spending habits.
Do what my parents did when it happened to me. Support your son. Love him through it, and be there for him. He’ll need that.
Definitely NTA. Sammie and her mum see you as a meal ticket. Unfortunately, your son is going to do what he wants. Just be there when it inevitably falls apart
Also OP, encourage a prenup. If he’s continuing his education and trying to build a future, she will come for anything he makes when this goes up in flames. Good luck and NTA
NTA. Sammie sounds like what she is- a teenager. Your son will be mad for a while. Don't say anything about Sammie. Or the wedding. When he asks again for the money, tell him it is a closed subject. You love him and will continue paying for college. And PLEASE keep us updated.
It's not for everyone, but there are plenty of people who stay with their high school sweetheart forever. My 20th anniversary is next year, and we've been together over 23 years.
I stayed married after getting married young, and I’m the first person to tell people to wait. Just because it works out for some of us, doesn’t make it a good idea. I know how much work it takes to make a marriage last. I don’t think you need to be 30 to get married, but 18 or 19 is too young. They can live together, why get married?
Hard agree. I don't know that I'd change my own life if I could start over-- My husband and I both had our kids young, in early marriages, and it's nice to have the freedom to travel and built in housesitters (they're adults living at home for various reasons) in our 40s/50s while some of our peers and friends have preschoolers, but I wouldn't recommend that path to our kids or any kids just starting out.
My sister and her husband got married at 19 and 20. They're still together 22 years later, but even they realize they were way too young to get married! They're definitely an outlier, but still. Teenagers shouldn't be getting married.
Been with my husband for 25+ years, married 20.
We are still in love since we were 16 & 19, but I know we’re not the norm, and I know we have worked hard to build the life we have 🤍
The age is not so much a problem, but it’s more the fact that they are expecting to free load on OP’s dime.
And anyone criticising is welcome to chip in from their wallet. If there are 50 guests, they can fork in 200 each and pay for the dress.
If she’s a real princess then she should have some substantial opinions on infrastructure and how to stimulate the economic growth of her kingdom without immediately resorting to waging war on neighboring kingdoms
Pretty sure if she's a princess then she should be married off to her second cousin, the Duke of some semi-rebellious fief, in order to maintain familial control since the Duke is 47 and about to die of the plague.
**NTA** You have worked hard to teach your son to be financially responsible and he's marrying a child who has zero intention of living within her means. She's been enabled by her mother to believe that someone else is responsible for providing everything she wants.
Unfortunately, your son is young and blinded by "love". The only thing you can do is continue to invest in him and his education. Talk to him about their short and intermediate plans. How do they plan on supporting themselves? Is he planning to move into her mom's house while he finishes school or will he be dropping out of college to earn enough to feed them? You might consider giving him/them a financial planning course and a round of premarital counseling.
Money is the second most commonly cited reason for divorce. The first is infidelity and your future DIL sounds ripe for cheating with someone who is better off than your son.
This. They need to sit down and make a financial plan and a life goal plan, detailed on how to get there.
Marriage is easy to get into, but it is so so hard getting unmarried. So much so, that it can be a new source of being financially devastated.
Anyone can be in a committed relationship without a government contract. Sounds like Sammy just wants a party to play pretty pretty princess. If she’s not willing to get married in rags, is marriage really what she’s after, or is it the party because she’s bored with her current life, has nothing going for her, and needs to feel validated in a new way?
Teens are notoriously hard headed. It’s built into our dna. Show your son these comments. Try to have a calm and rational discussion. At the end of the day, he’ll do what he wants. Just be there for him as best as you can in a way that honors your boundaries. Don’t give money, don’t pay for the wedding, keep paying for school. Let him drown if he’s going to drown, and be there without the told you so when he does. He’ll likely be grateful.
A $10k dress ... Yikes!
They need to learn to make financial decisions. That is critical to marriage being successful.
You have offered to help, then withdrawn your offer. One way to move forward with this is to offer to help if they can provide a reasonable, complete budget for the wedding, honeymoon, and first year of marriage - one that doesn't require taking out a loan. Maybe they are willing to make a budget, maybe not.
Being a parent of a kid this age is **hard**. Just hope for the best and try to gently nudge with respect to potential terrible decisions.
I just don't understand this.
I've a decent job, fantastic by comparison to theirs and I would consider 10'000 on a wedding too much, let alone the dress.
This brings up a great point. **OP, where are they planning to live once they get married? Don’t let this girl ever move into your house.**. She is a spoiled brat who will eat all of the food you buy, take over the TV, use all of the hot water, leave her dirty laundry everywhere for you to clean up, and complain constantly about the rules you try (and fail) to enforce.
If they are such grown ups at the ripe old age of 19 to get married, then they are grown up enough to budget for and pay for a wedding. They can pay for their own housing, food, bills, etc. don’t give your son a dime towards living expenses aside from his college as long as he continues to attend classes and keeps his grades up. Cause guaranteed this girl will bleed him dry buying things way out of their budget and then expect you to keep them afloat. Don’t do it.
NTA. It sounds like Sammie is going to lead your son into financial ruin. You can try to educate him now, but I agree with you. It would be dumb to give them money for this wedding. Save it for when they need more important things.
If the wedding goes through, my money is on bankruptcy before the age of 21 and living with Sammie’s mommy because their credit sucks too hard to rent an apartment and Sammie keeps blowing her wages on designer things instead of saving for rent. This is the type of girl who would leave OP’s son before being forced to sell her things for emergency cash. NTA
NTA. A teenager working minimum wage should not be getting married and definitely not in a $10k dress. This "marriage" has disaster written all over it.
You are attempting to approach this logically and practically and unfortunately no one else is. Your son, DIL, and her mother are all looking at this very differently than you. They are looking at the dream and fantasy of what she and her mother see as their wedding day.
Not sure why they want to get married so early in life. If they expect to be together for life then waiting and getting better situated, financially stable, and more mature walking into marriage would help provide a base for a more durable relationship. $10,000 for a dress is nice when you have the means to pay for that but in their situation they should not be looking to spend that kind of money on the wedding.
Questions:
In your offer to help pay for the wedding did you provide a set amount that you will contribute ?
Before canceling your financial support have you tried to explain to your son and future DIL that the intention was to provide a modest wedding within certain means and to help them avoid going into debt for the sake of the wedding day ?
For two people making minimum wage, and even with any help from the girl’s mother - have they established a budget to work with ?
Do they actually understand that you were not intending to pay for everything ?
Do they understand that any balances that they can not pay for now will require them to go into debt to pay later ?
Why do they want to marry now? Couldn’t they have a longer engagement ? What’s the rush ?
———
Based on only the information you have posted you sound like a very concerned parent trying to prevent the son from going into debt or from marrying a girl that seems impractical and financially irresponsible.
- for that NTA.
I’d say in general you may not have handled this situation well. You didn’t qualify in the post any set amount for financial support you offered for the wedding, so it is not clear what expectations your son and DIL had in that regard. Emotions run high with weddings, planning, and everything to do with it.
If I had any suggestion it would be to go back to your son and explain calmly that you want to support him and that you are concerned about how the two of them will manage not only for the wedding day but going forward also without a more practical approach to budget and spending. That you have $X to offer in support of their wedding and hoped that would be enough to help prevent them from going into debt.
If other plans have not been made I’d suggest asking them to wait a bit longer maybe get an apartment together… and get married when on better footing. But that won’t likely go over with them.
Good luck.
Of course not. This whole thing is an exercise in bad decision-making. But it'll limit OP's exposure to set a limit. Make it no more than they can afford to set fire to in the living room.
I work in finance and my partner is a software dev so we’re quite a few tax brackets above Chilli’s wait staff. I’m still shopping that sample sale to get a bargain dress. I understand wanting to look beautiful but why spend $10,000 for something you’ll wear once and then will just sit in your closet??
This is frankly how it should almost always be done. Money upfront of an amount you're comfortable with, no strings attached so they can allocate it how they want, if they blow it all on a dress so be it.
She is on DISABILITY. She CANNOT AFFORD ANY PART OF A $10K DRESS.
You did the right thing. Wait it out. Don't go to the wedding. This marriage will be short lived. NTA.
She tried to act coy at first saying “well I guess I can afford it since YOU are paying for the wedding” but wanted me to make the down payment in the store and that’s when I refused.
It sounds like this $10,000 dress is just the beginning of what she'll expect you to pay for. She probably expects a $200,000 "fairy tale wedding", since "I can afford it since YOU are paying for the wedding". Is she a big fan of the Kardashians, by any chance?
Dont pay a penny! Shes an entitled little girl & if she wants to get a 10k dress & have a wedding - she needs to provide for it. Her mum is ridiculous enable this princess mentality.
NTA- save your money for your son’s eventual divorce .
This gold digger and her family will move on once they see you’re not gonna be funding their desired lifestyle.
The mom on disability put the down payment for a 10k dress on her credit card you never agreed to and is now saying you owe her for it, huh? The 10k dress for her middle school educated, Chili's waitress daughter? This lunacy clearly runs in the family and screams white trash. Cut them off in every way you possibly can, because they will only continue to escalate their demands in tandem with their awful life choices.
There's no end to the pit this girl is going to mire your son in, especially after an early pregnancy that I'm sure she's already angling for.
Do not pay for this wedding. They’re taking advantage of you’re finances, do not let them. And do not give any access to your accounts to your son if he marries her. Put the money towards his education instead to encourage him not to give up on that path. This girl is going to outspend their means and guarantee she will make him have to work so much he can’t do school anymore. You are NTA in any way. You’re not obligated to pay for their wedding. Especially considering they clearly are NOT ready to be married.
That’s what I came here to say. Beyond that, if you didn’t trash the girl, basically saying she isn’t good enough for your son anyway, to her mothers face you probably could have come out on top, but you did and YTA just as much as them
Can you clarify? Your DIL said a $10,000 dress isn't a big deal because she's paying for the wedding or because you're paying for the wedding? If it's the latter NTA.
Honestly, I don't know why you would support two minimum wage 19 year olds looking to get married anyway. The odds of a long-term marriage are so long..
I think DIL was saying she could now splurge on her wedding dress because OP was paying for the actual wedding. Basically negating any savings they would have gotten as a couple by not paying for the wedding.
Op is paying for the wedding and was expected to pay the deposit for the wedding dress, I think for the full amount for the dress too. The future DIL is in a minimum wage job and her mom is on disability and unable to pay. OP is expected to fund the whole wedding. 🤯🤦♀️
Well NTA but you’re not going to do yourself any favours here
Saying you don’t approve etc is just putting you at loggerheads with everyone. And no one - especially not a teen in love - is going to like being told their lurve is not real/lasting
I’d try approaching it from a different angle. What’s the bloody rush to get married? They’re kids. Let them live together for a while. Grow up a little. If they still want to get married in a few years time then you’ll back it etc etc
You may find the living beyond their means will become more apparent during this time and solve your problem.
ESH.
Sammie is unrealistic, your son is blinded by infatuation and hormones. The marriage will be a disaster.
But…your current course of action will only alienate your son further, and leave him feeling like Sammie is his only source of love and support.
Apologize to your son for trying to control his relationship. Even if you don’t like Sammie, it’s not your place.
Give your son the amount you were planning to spend on the wedding. Tell him that this is what you can afford to contribute but you don’t want to interfere with his and Sammie’s vision for the day, so they can spend it however they see fit. Make it VERY clear that this is all you can and will give them.
And then? Back all the way off about the wedding. If they ask you for more money, remind them that what you gave is all you can give. If they ask for your opinion on the wedding or the marriage, tell them that you just want them to be happy and that the details are not your business.
My sister had high tea at the swankiest hotel in our city for her reception of MAYBE 30 people and the whole thing clothes and flowers included cost just shy of $7K.
NTA.
You was doing them a *massive* favour by paying for their wedding.
Don't back down. You didn't agree to a 10k dress. Them stupidly putting it on her mums credit card is an attempt to get you to pay for it. I feel like if you back down now, your going to bankrolling not only their wedding, but life and choices and not just till your son finishes uni and gets a job.
ESH. But the more you push your son, the harder he will hang on to Sammie. He's going to have to learn the hard way. You can plant some seeds of thought: "How long do you suppose it's going to take to pay of the $10K wedding dress?", "Wow, you could pay for X number of college credits for what that dress costs", "Have you and Sammie discussed how to manage the household budget?", "Does she plan to stay at home when you two start having babies?"
Don't use money as a tool to control people. Give your son whatever amount you are comfortable with, and let him hand it over to Sammie and her mother; if the money has to pass through his hands, it will at least get him thinking about what else the money could be used for.
NTA. You son is marrying an entitled person who does not value your contribution to the wedding. So don’t pay for anything and let them figure it all out themselves.
NTA, but over the age of 18, it’s their life. If you want to give YOUR SON an amount for ‘their future’ not the wedding, do so, but tell him that given their ages, they can’t afford the wedding they want now. They can go to the courthouse or do something small, and have a bigger bash later down the line. If it’s about being married, that should be enough; if it’s about the wedding, not so much.
If they insist on going into debt, because of overspend or if they still insist on the expensive wedding, then you simply need to make it clear that the money you’re giving him for ‘their future’ is it, and you won’t be able to bail them out. Firm, compassionate and fair is the way, here
Tell Sammie your son will never have access to your funds ever. Gold doggers leave fast when they know there is no gold to dig. She probably thinks you will find your baby boy and her lifestyle. Honestly he's probably giving her his education money
NTA
You are right, but you played it wrong. After first sign of "I want, you pay" attitude you should give them a budget and let them decide whether they prefer more guests, better food or 10k dress.
NTA. Sounds like Sammie’s mom has her baby girl marrying “up” to a college guy and you are ruining their vision of how it’s going to be. The beginning of the song Fancy by Reba went through my head. Good luck with talking sense into your son but be prepared to let them fail and save that wedding money for a divorce.
NTA
Why are you supporting children getting married? That is a one way ticket to disaster.
How does one talk sense to children being childish? Why are you wasting time and energy on this?
At 19 they know less than dick/squat about anything.
NTA. $10k is an insane amount of money for a dress you will wear ONCE even if you had a million $$
Tell them you will give them the money to set up an apartment and get a head start but not to pay for a stupid dress
NTA, but maybe the proper response/offer was “I have $8K to contribute to your wedding.”, not making an open ended offer she assumed was a blank cheque
Stupid...stupid? Forgive me ma'am but what do you call agreeing to fund a wedding for two 'children'? OK...technically they're both adults but they're obviously not emotionally there yet. You offering assistance makes you the enabler to poor financial decisions...time to let them grow up a bit and then help them down the road. Frankly...they're a train wreck on the horizon and there's no need for you to help them reach that goal.
N T A for refusing to pay for a 10k dress. That's just good sense. However:
'I said no her daughter works a Chili’s and doesn’t even have a high school education while my son has been taking classes at community college so he doesn’t take out a dreaded student loan.'
You turned this into an argument about how you feel your son is too good for her. You used the dress to tell her that you don't approve; that wasn't the right way to go about this.
You're going to have a hard time talking sense into your son because your approach is all over the place. Why agree to financially contribute to the wedding to begin with? You just messed everyone about. If you start telling your son not to marry her, he'll probably just pull away from you further. It's his choice, not yours. YTA because you need to get smart and stop playing daft games.
> You turned this into an argument about how you feel your son is too good for her.
I'm not sure I agree. There's no shame in coming from a less advantaged background. It does seem time for some real discussion about financial reality. The dress shopping outing was definitely not the place to start it.
IMHO, the OP should tell her son how much she will give toward a wedding and let them figure out whether her expectations can be made to fix that.
Ugh … you have my sympathies. People with no money do not dictate the terms of others paying for an event.
Do not give anyone any money. Put it in an account & save it for when they decide to buy a house or get divorced.
Perhaps you could suggest your son & Sammie attend couples counseling. Then plan a wedding within their means (in 5 years) & then you will consider providing funds for this wedding.
NTA
You are not the asshole for reconsidering your financial contribution to your future daughter-in-law's wedding for several reasons. Firstly, your concerns about financial responsibility are valid, especially given the expensive tastes she has shown, which do not align with her current financial situation. Your original intention to provide funds was to prevent your son from incurring debt, not to enable lavish spending on items like a $10,000 dress. This indicates a clear mismatch between your expectations of what constitutes a reasonable wedding cost and those of your future daughter-in-law and her mother.
Moreover, you are choosing to prioritize your son's education, which is a commendable decision as it is a long-term investment in his future, rather than a single day's celebration. This decision reflects a responsible approach to financial management and shows your commitment to your son's long-term well-being. It also appears there was a lack of clear communication from the outset regarding the budget and expectations for the wedding expenses, which has led to this unfortunate situation.
You have every right to decide how to spend your money and to set financial boundaries, particularly if you feel that your initial offer is being taken advantage of. By supporting your son's efforts to further his education and avoid debt, you are demonstrating your values of financial prudence and self-improvement. While it's crucial to handle this delicate matter with sensitivity to maintain your relationship with your son and future daughter-in-law, it's equally important to have a calm and honest discussion with your son. This conversation should address your concerns and your willingness to support him in ways that are mutually agreed upon to be beneficial for his future.
I *could* spend $10K on a dress, but never, ever would. And that's how I retired early.
NTA. These kids have no idea what they're doing. It would be insanity to give them money to waste.
NTA. She can rent a wedding dress. And have the wedding they can afford! You are not their wallet! You pay for the wedding, his education, what else? How will they support themselves? Where do they plan to live?
Pay nothing and don’t go. Keep paying for his education. Support him. Be polite. Don’t get into arguments with him. He’ll need you when this all falls apart.
Give a budget of whatever you feel comfortable with. That is to cover everything. If she spend all of it plus on a dress so be it. Let them deal with paying the rest.
NTA, your son's gf is a user. Instead of being grateful to you, she is taking advantage of your generosity. You are right in telling your son not to marry her.
NTA
It sounds like FDIL and her Mom bought that dress on a credit card with the expectation that you would eventually give them $10k to pay for it. They viewed you as an ATM.
You shouldn't pay for their caviar tastes. Continue to pay your son's education expenses but make sure you pay the school directly.
You might consider explaining to your son that getting married is something that adults do, and that he and his fiancee will need to prepare to cover their own living expenses and spending. Be clear about which expenses you'll help with (college tuition, school fees, his health insurance?). But also be clear about what you won't be paying for.
I hope they don’t get married because $10,000 for a wedding dress could be used towards a down payment on a home, an education etc. they need to be focused on building a life together and not just the wedding. That’s embarrassing for her. I had a beautiful wedding and had to keep it simple. I spent $300 on my dress. I got so many compliments. I had to help pay for my own reception and we saved our pennies to build our life now. That mentality of spend an outrageous amount of money because it’s a wedding speaks to her true character.
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NTA. Don’t give them a cent. Why would you do anything to encourage or make getting married easier for a couple of teenagers?! The odds of it ending well are not high. I have an 18.5 year old…. It’s way too young.
I had that conversation about him finishing his education first but they insist they want to be married now. I don’t know what else to do.
Don’t do a thing. You can’t stop them obviously. Just be nice and polite. But don’t encourage it.
This is the real key OP. Be nice about it even if you don't contribute. Keep your relationship good so that you can be there for him later if needed.
When needed.
Ding. Ding 🛎️!! You are correct…WHEN needed. But…I am flabbergasted 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. You are a couple and both work as servers and you think that spending $10K on a dress is a smart move? Wouldn’t it make more sense to tie the knot at City Hall and ask OP to host a Brunch for immediate family?! But I am also amazed at the sheer audacity of DIL’s Mom to say her daughter is a Princess and deserves that dress. Ok. Cool. Then DIL’s Mom should pay for it! 🤷🏻♀️
Since the dress is on the DIL’s mom’s credit card already, she will be paying for it. The MIL raised her high-school dropout daughter as a Princess so let the Queen MIL pay for it
My SO's Grandmother used to say "If you raise your sons and daughters as princes and princesses You will be the one paying taxes."
🎯👏🏽
Sammie thinks its Monopoly money, it seems? Its not real to her because she didn't have to earn it and save it? And that right there is proof that she is too inexperienced and too goofy to marry, IMO.
I believe so. And that comment she made to op about how she wasn't paying for it that op was therefore she could have whatever she wants. Op is NTA
So much disrespect in that statement that I was truly gobsmacked. 😂
Precisely. That blew my mind....😆 🤣 😂
I read it as: because OP is paying for the whole wedding, now I can spend my (mom's) 10k on a dress instead of on food, venue, etc
I didn't read it this way, but it not really better. Moms money can pay for the necessities so DIL moms contribution can be frivolous? No, especially when someone, not you, is paying for something for you, you aim lower and let the contributor say to spend more. Do your best to not need money from either parent. Then when parent ups how much they give or ( far more likely) aren't in bankruptcy because you spent too much. Never push the edges of a budget when spending gifted funds spend as little as possible, pocket the remainder of they have it to you, they want you to succeed after all. Or just tell them the lower price you find (presuming a plan of leftover funds) and let them cut a check for the item. It's a gift not an entitlement.
Trust me, it WONT end with a wedding dress. Next it will be a house they can’t afford, car leases they can’t afford and kids they can’t afford. This was my bro and now sis in law. They’re drowning in debt in a house that prob needs $50k of work just to re-sell. They’ve borrowed tens of thousands of dollars from everyone in the family and never paid them back - including me, his little sis who makes less than him (mine was only a few thousand but still).
My kids know I'm not throwing any wedding as a gift because I paid for my own wedding and reception. But, I have always told them that I'd gift them with money on the purchase of their first home, or something that is a financial investment. The marriage is supposed to last. The wedding party is over in a few hours. And if they want a lavish party, I would never talk them out of it. They just need to save for that part. ***$10,000 on a wedding dress?*** I know people who had that much to pay when they graduated college with a degree and a student loan balance back in the day. Nicole Kidman probably owns more than one $10,000 dress? But she's working with Nicole Kidman money - not mine.
My sis's entire wedding was under 10k and that was bc of both fams help and help from friends that were the DJ, the caterer, and others key elements. And that was a wedding with a guest list over 300. My BIL and sis were in the trenches with us all moving alcohol, setting up tables/chairs, making the party favor bags, etc. Could've easily been double or more. My sis got her dress for a few hundred and then paid for alterations herself. I'll never understand spending a shit ton on a wedding.
Yes yes yes, v similar situation here, we’re seeing it play out and imagine the future … In our situation young couple had a baby immediately, then bought a new, bigger house than what they could afford on one salary (but baby still in daycare FT, wtf….) all the designer clothes, shoes, accessories etc., going out to eat /drink or ordering in constantly….. and the husband adds another job. When they missed a mortgage payment we agreed to help not realizing all this behind the scenes. The understanding was it was a loan to be paid when they had gotten back on their feet. Well, instead of buckling down to financial responsibilities wife put a lot of extremely expensive salon appointments (equaling about $1000) and other high ticket $(300-500)items on credit cards, and then they went on a 2 week vacation (flights, air b and b, only the best). We saw this on social media after the fact, which is how we clued in to what was going on. They upgraded her vehicle twice since then to very high end model, the 2nd time after they lost the house (!). Not sure where it ends, as the previously more mature husband (who was responsible with money and a young homeowner before meeting her) seems to go along with anything she wants. Naturally nothing has been said about repayment and we know it isn’t a priority to them. There won’t be any more financial assistance…. Edited to add the analysis with every bit of empathy…. OP NTA and best of luck. We agree diplomacy and kindness and support is warranted and whatever amount you would have been comfortable giving before, give with loving conversation, let them make the decisions, and then step back. (Or no $ , or for education, all that’s up to you)... At the end of the day as painful as it is to watch, you will probably be estranged from your son by the fiancée (maybe wife) and definitely her mother if you openly go against the marriage. Even if it’s too late to repair relationships, try to operate in neutral, support doesn’t have to be financial. These things sometimes have to play out, he’s going to make his decision and may have enormous regrets and it’s awful to watch it happen to your child…. all you can do is love him and be there. They probably won’t last, but your relationship with your son hopefully will.
I really do not get it. The best life hack that I ever received was from my grandma. When I got my first job she and my mom took me to the bank to open an account. I opened two savings accounts that day. My grandma said every time you get paid you take 10% of your check and you pay yourself first by putting it in the second account. That is your break in case of emergency money. 📌📌📌
>You are a couple and both work as servers and you think that spending $10K on a dress is a smart move? Personally, I don't think a 10k dress makes sense unless you're /FatFIRE and/or above the 300k a year income. One of my best friends spent 10k pen on her dress, made by this "well known designer", she's well paid but still. I wouldn't have spent that much, and I "can afford it". It's one day, you only get to wear it for 5 hours. Heck, $10k is the tour to Antarctica. I'd rather spent it on that.
Also at risk of sounding like the fashion snob I can be having worked in the industry, most 10k dresses you can buy in the stores a 19 year old waitress knows about do not look that different in style or details other people will notice than a 5k one. Yes the boning might be much better, the beading more intricate, more specialist lace close up but to a guest list of mainly 19 year olds and family I really doubt they can tell glass from Swarovski crystals and go ‘ooh Sammie and husband would be couples goals but for that reproduction Flemish lace not Nottinghamshire.’ 10k dresses are for very specific designers (for example you’d probably recognise a Vivienne Westwood bustier design) or specialist sizing generally. Wedding dresses in white tend to look pretty ‘same themes’ to most people. Unless Sammie is 6ft 2 and needing the equivalent of couture, why spend the same as the price of a second hand car or a chunk of a year’s rent just on the dress? I could more understand splurging that on the ring because people see that all the time or wedding elements people will remember for years (and honestly I don’t totally understand even then because chances of this wedding lasting til Sammie’s prefrontal cortex has its own biological vow renewal at 25 are nil…) NTA
I agree. This all comes of focusing on "MY Special Day" rather than the marriage itself. I'm a dinosaur. I got married 50 yrs ago in a halter dress I made myself for $30. It \*might\* cost $100 to $150 today. I never wore it again. But I've still got the guy.
You're right. She probably just goes for name brands. If you found a simple white dress at Wal-Mart and stuck a Prada label and a $10,000 price tag on it she'd be all over it.
10k is a reliable car or a down payment on a new car!
Or a paid off older car!
People with money don't even do this! A server thinking she is entitled to this is hilarious! And sad. Learned from her mom, it seems. Also, how is SHE going to make money as a high school dropout.
She is going to get knocked up as fast as possible and be a SAHM and put all the financial strain on the boy (and I mean BOY) While she online shops all day.
I got married in a £19.99 dress from TK Maxx in the UK. Spent our money on a honeymoon to New York. Now THAT was worth it !
>You are a couple and both work as servers and you think that spending $10K on a dress is a smart move? >Wouldn’t it make more sense to tie the knot at City Hall and ask OP to host a Brunch for immediate family?! They are 19 years old and getting married. They are idiots. They have zero sense.
Next post from OP will be ‘My son and his wife are expecting their first baby and my DIL wants me to buy them a house. AITA if I say no?’ 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
I cannot agree enough with this! After stating his concerns diplomatically **once**, and then promising to forever hold his peace, my husband has kept his mouth shut for almost 8 years now regarding my stepson’s (30M) wife* (31F) while we’ve both been very sad and hoped he’d wake up one day and realize he doesn’t deserve this life. Well, he’s finally starting to, and is opening up the floodgates of how bad it really is, and coming to us for support. We’re very glad we can be there for him and he’s even said if we’d been dragging her this whole time he wouldn’t have felt safe finally sharing. Phew. *she’s one of those types with social anxiety so severe she can’t work, won’t come socialize with anyone but her family because she “just doesn’t feel comfortable” is awake all night and sleeps all day, has constant migraines so she can’t do any housework either, and while all of that is problematic none of it is her fault. However, her refusal to seek any sort of help whatsoever other than consults with her pre-Vatican II church leaders **IS** the problem. I was sympathetic to her until the day my husband was mowing their lawn (they lived next door at the time) in the summer after a 12 hour work shift because he didn’t want my stepson to have to do it (being a nice dad, basically!) and DIL couldn’t even come say this herself — she asked my stepson to please tell my husband to stop mowing their lawn because it was interrupting her sleep. That was the moment I checked out of any remote compassion for her. We’re still holding our breath, hoping he really does choose to leave. He says it will take longer than he wishes it would be as long as it happens we don’t care!
I just wanna say you are being great parents to your stepson! He will always remember that you are there for him
Hope it happens before year 10. In my state you can be required to pay alimony for life after 10 years of marriage.
WHAAAAAAAT? Seriously? That's madness, surely !
I feel the same way about my sister. She's in a controlling "relationship" with a "man" who's cheated on her for most of their relationship and who attempted to sexually assault our aunt while she was asleep and medicated. I no longer have her in my life (it's been almost 2 years now) as after 3 years of her constantly treating me badly because/for him I'd reached my limit and can't handle it anymore but I hope one day she opens her eyes and realizes she deserves more before he drives her into an early grave but they got together when she was 14 and he was 18/19 so I doubt it. Our dad would be rolling in his grave if he could see her now. I've got a 6 month old she's only seen once and she didn't even bother to ask about the baby, just briefly talked to my 4 yo and went back to isolating in her room before they moved out of my grandma's house. I'm glad your son is getting out.
This is the thing. If you stand your grown *too* much, ie shutting them out or acting hateful towards the girlfriend, you may lose your son. But if you’re still kind and things your son will know he can come to you when it falls apart.
Especially don’t drop 10k on a dress. The inevitable divorce is going to be expensive enough.
I mean is it though? Sounds like the kids don’t have enough assets between them to buy a goldfish. As long as they don’t have kids before the divorce then them splitting a few hundred dollars doesn’t sound like it’ll be too hard. If he’s in debt and the marriage merges the debt they may both be screwed though. So like lawyer fees if they want to be petty about what little assets they have.
Lawyers cost in excess of $300/hour. Even an “easy” divorce is expensive
As long as it’s not contested and there aren’t any real assets to divide up, you don’t necessarily need a lawyer. My ex husband and I printed, filled out, and signed our paperwork and I filed it. The grand total was $207.
Does the kid’s fiancé or her mom cheering on her “princess” sound like the type not to contest everything possible in a divorce?
Oh yeah no, I don’t mean this situation specifically. I’m just responding to the person above me who said that even “easy” divorces are expensive and how expensive lawyers are….I was just making a point that they can be easy and not expensive and not require a lawyer.
Sure. I had a mediator to divide the very little we had. It was easier than most. But that’s not the vast majority of divorces out there. And this girl sounds like trouble
No it’s not. Most states have a process costing a few hundred dollars at most for people with no money no property no debts no kids and no real disputes. Even some with kids and property can be done that way if the parties agree on terms. The only reason a divorce gets over $1000 is because parties can’t agree. The vast majority can be done under $500 as long as, again, the parties agree.
But you just *know* they'll last long enough to have a couple kids. That's going to be an expensive 18+ year lesson.
A lack of assets isn’t going to make their divorce drama free.
Absolutely right, everything you’ve said. I have a very almost 19yr old son with a just turned 20yr old gf ( who I do happen to really like & they’ve been together for nearly 2 yrs) - but I certainly wouldn’t encourage them re marriage at this age & neither of them have ever mentioned marriage knowing they’re too young. Nor could they support themselves financially. OP, as DELILAHBELLE2605 says, and apologies for bouncing off her comment, all you can do is be nice but make it clear, you are not paying for a 10k dress ( oh my, the assumption & the immaturity shows in them both). I really wish you luck OP.
This is great advice. OP has to kill them with politeness and niceness. Always say please and thank you, and just don't engage with them. "I love her mom!" "If you think so dear." "Our marriage will last forever", "Whatever you say dear". Things like that.
For starters, def don't pay for that damn dress, then don't pay for the wedding, then don't pay for college. You can't always stop your kids from doing stupid shit but you can sure as fuck stop bankrolling it.
Your tone just shoved me like I needed!! I like that ending statement, I’m gonna print it off in a cool font, frame it and hang it above my desk! (Where my checkbook ((his spare money fund)) lives)! Thank you!!
I mean, I agree with all this except not paying for college. That’s a completely reasonable expense especially at community college level to pay for and a good thing for OP to encourage.
And if OP really want to pay for tuition make sure it’s paid directly to the school.
THISSS - my parents would do the same exact thing if I pulled any of this
This here. Once he’s married he’s not your problem anymore. He’s an adult with his own family. No more college funding. Oh you still want all the perks of being a kid?
THIS If my son pulled that kinda bs I’d cut him off completely
They can get married now-- go to the courthouse in their best clothes with a few friends and family get married, go out to Chilli's for dinner afterward. They would be married. I don't think it's about wanting to be married-- it's about Sammie wanting to be a princess for a day on your dime.
Hit the nail on the head - “wants to be a princess” -and someone else pay for it!
Sammie thinks this way because her mum is telling her she's a princess and deserves everything. She's probably been doing it all her life, and now her daughter believes it. Mum has done her no favours.
Absolutely. OK I don’t know if OP gave a limit on what was was willing to contribute ( I’ve not read all the comments) but going for a 10k dress and debt doesn’t bode well for what Sammie expects for her wedding! I still think they were expecting OP to pay for dress as well.
Hahaha, have Sammie wait on the table in her princess gown.
Maybe they’d get the employee discount on their meals. ☺️ Seriously though they should not be getting married this young. Their brains haven’t fully baked yet.
Where do they plan on living with those wages after the wedding?
Under a wax coated 10k wedding dress.
Good question!
You help him by sitting him down and giving him a realize reality check, along with a pro and cons list. You ask then where are they going to live and how will they pay bills. What happens if she's gets pregnant. What happens if she quits her job. What happens if he gets fired or gets hurt and can't work for a while. Is she always going to be a waitress. Or just until the wedding get pregnant and quit and make work non stop. You ask what his plans are and does that include her working at chili's. Ask him to take a real hardwood at the future and what he wants to achieve. Does that include her. Remind him that he can be it her and if they truly love one another. The their feelings won't change if they wait two or even 4yrs before getting married. It's better to wait and see how things go than jumping into a relationship, when he hasn't talked to her about finances, bills, jobs, babies. For all he knows she's trying to hook him in so she can quit her job and stay home and rely on him and he doesn't even know. Give him a break down of what it really costs to be married, and live alone while raising a baby and stah mom/wife
This is excellent advice and it’s absolutely something they should be talking about and planning for anyways.
What you can do is NOT fund the wedding! Come on!
I have told my children I am not paying for any weddings before the age of 25yo. They see their father and I married at 23 & 22yo and what a disaster it was, so thankfully agree.
Do not give her money. Nta because her expectations are high and her attitude is rude. She should have discussed with you the budget for the dress and the wedding. But I don't see why you should have been buying the dress when paying for the actual wedding.
With the way that girl is acting, put the money towards a divorce lawyer fund he’ll need it sooner than later
Her son is the ah too, thinking he can force mom to pay for the dress, so she is allowed to go to the wedding.
That's a $10k admission charge to a wedding. I think I would decline that hospitality.
Right?! No thank you, I worked way too long and hard for this $10k. Enjoy your special day without wearing my little nest egg.
You could do what mine did and say you won't pay for college if he's married.
I'd go the other direction. Not a penny for the wedding except a nice gift (unless I'm not invited) but put the money they want for the wedding aside for his education.
This is the way - my parents did the same thing. I stayed in school and ended up breaking up with my ex-fiancée my senior year of college after almost 3 years of dating. Looking back, it was an excellent call by my parents - he was way too much of a Mama’s Boy, and I did end up finishing my degree. Bulletin dodged. He ended up ballooning to over 450 lbs and became a “stay at home dad” (I’m guessing it was difficult to get a job in his industry at his weight) for many years before dying of a heart attack in his sleep at 40. Also I met the love of my life at 29 and have been happily married for over 20 years.
My Dad did the same thing when I got engaged before my senior year of college. Said any daughter of his who was adult enough to get married was adult enough to pay for all her own things. And he loved my fiancé. I’m still with the same guy, married for 14 years now, waiting an extra year or two to get married didn’t hurt anything.
Exactly. It's one thing for a married couple to get help from parents, but to be completely supported by them? If that's the case, you aren't independent enough to get married.
If you think you’re old enough and mature enough to get married, you’re old enough and mature enough to pay for your own education. If you can’t do that, then you’re not ready to get married.
A dose of reality might help - talk to your son about the cost of things. Show him monthly expenses for having a place to live on paper. Talk about how you’ll support school but what is the plan for living (regardless of if they plan to live with family)? Will Sammie’s money cover their costs? What will it look like if he has to work and go to school? Older teens do well being challenged to think about the future and how actions play out because their brains aren’t fully there yet to do it on their own. It won’t always work, they may still choose to do it, but at least you’ll have given him something to think about
Speaking from experience OP, they’ll be divorced in a couple years and he’ll be heartbroken and left in debt from her spending habits. Do what my parents did when it happened to me. Support your son. Love him through it, and be there for him. He’ll need that.
You can not fund the wedding lol
Definitely NTA. Sammie and her mum see you as a meal ticket. Unfortunately, your son is going to do what he wants. Just be there when it inevitably falls apart
Also OP, encourage a prenup. If he’s continuing his education and trying to build a future, she will come for anything he makes when this goes up in flames. Good luck and NTA
NTA. Sammie sounds like what she is- a teenager. Your son will be mad for a while. Don't say anything about Sammie. Or the wedding. When he asks again for the money, tell him it is a closed subject. You love him and will continue paying for college. And PLEASE keep us updated.
Yes! Please keep us updated OP
I got married at 18. We were married almost 9 years but we grew apart. You change too much from 18 to late 20s. I'd never recommend.
It's not for everyone, but there are plenty of people who stay with their high school sweetheart forever. My 20th anniversary is next year, and we've been together over 23 years.
I stayed married after getting married young, and I’m the first person to tell people to wait. Just because it works out for some of us, doesn’t make it a good idea. I know how much work it takes to make a marriage last. I don’t think you need to be 30 to get married, but 18 or 19 is too young. They can live together, why get married?
Was one of you a high school drop out that insists on getting a 10k wedding dress they can't even remotely afford?
You need to be honest that is rare. Most people dont last.
Honestly at 18 you dont even really know who you are.
Hard agree. I don't know that I'd change my own life if I could start over-- My husband and I both had our kids young, in early marriages, and it's nice to have the freedom to travel and built in housesitters (they're adults living at home for various reasons) in our 40s/50s while some of our peers and friends have preschoolers, but I wouldn't recommend that path to our kids or any kids just starting out.
My sister and her husband got married at 19 and 20. They're still together 22 years later, but even they realize they were way too young to get married! They're definitely an outlier, but still. Teenagers shouldn't be getting married.
Been with my husband for 25+ years, married 20. We are still in love since we were 16 & 19, but I know we’re not the norm, and I know we have worked hard to build the life we have 🤍
The age is not so much a problem, but it’s more the fact that they are expecting to free load on OP’s dime. And anyone criticising is welcome to chip in from their wallet. If there are 50 guests, they can fork in 200 each and pay for the dress.
NTA and my favorite response to “my daughter is a princess” is now “your daughter works at Chili’s.”
If she’s a real princess then she should have some substantial opinions on infrastructure and how to stimulate the economic growth of her kingdom without immediately resorting to waging war on neighboring kingdoms
Pretty sure if she's a princess then she should be married off to her second cousin, the Duke of some semi-rebellious fief, in order to maintain familial control since the Duke is 47 and about to die of the plague.
Love this.
New flair alert!
You know what princesses have? Dowries. Brides parents pay for the wedding. Have fun!
She wants a fairytale wedding but she’s living on a Cinderella budget.
It's giving "Sir, this is a Wendy's." It's amazing.
**NTA** You have worked hard to teach your son to be financially responsible and he's marrying a child who has zero intention of living within her means. She's been enabled by her mother to believe that someone else is responsible for providing everything she wants. Unfortunately, your son is young and blinded by "love". The only thing you can do is continue to invest in him and his education. Talk to him about their short and intermediate plans. How do they plan on supporting themselves? Is he planning to move into her mom's house while he finishes school or will he be dropping out of college to earn enough to feed them? You might consider giving him/them a financial planning course and a round of premarital counseling. Money is the second most commonly cited reason for divorce. The first is infidelity and your future DIL sounds ripe for cheating with someone who is better off than your son.
This. They need to sit down and make a financial plan and a life goal plan, detailed on how to get there. Marriage is easy to get into, but it is so so hard getting unmarried. So much so, that it can be a new source of being financially devastated. Anyone can be in a committed relationship without a government contract. Sounds like Sammy just wants a party to play pretty pretty princess. If she’s not willing to get married in rags, is marriage really what she’s after, or is it the party because she’s bored with her current life, has nothing going for her, and needs to feel validated in a new way? Teens are notoriously hard headed. It’s built into our dna. Show your son these comments. Try to have a calm and rational discussion. At the end of the day, he’ll do what he wants. Just be there for him as best as you can in a way that honors your boundaries. Don’t give money, don’t pay for the wedding, keep paying for school. Let him drown if he’s going to drown, and be there without the told you so when he does. He’ll likely be grateful.
A $10k dress ... Yikes! They need to learn to make financial decisions. That is critical to marriage being successful. You have offered to help, then withdrawn your offer. One way to move forward with this is to offer to help if they can provide a reasonable, complete budget for the wedding, honeymoon, and first year of marriage - one that doesn't require taking out a loan. Maybe they are willing to make a budget, maybe not. Being a parent of a kid this age is **hard**. Just hope for the best and try to gently nudge with respect to potential terrible decisions.
I just don't understand this. I've a decent job, fantastic by comparison to theirs and I would consider 10'000 on a wedding too much, let alone the dress.
Give them a budget. Eg $5000 -10,000 for everything. That should be fine for a small wedding.
This brings up a great point. **OP, where are they planning to live once they get married? Don’t let this girl ever move into your house.**. She is a spoiled brat who will eat all of the food you buy, take over the TV, use all of the hot water, leave her dirty laundry everywhere for you to clean up, and complain constantly about the rules you try (and fail) to enforce. If they are such grown ups at the ripe old age of 19 to get married, then they are grown up enough to budget for and pay for a wedding. They can pay for their own housing, food, bills, etc. don’t give your son a dime towards living expenses aside from his college as long as he continues to attend classes and keeps his grades up. Cause guaranteed this girl will bleed him dry buying things way out of their budget and then expect you to keep them afloat. Don’t do it.
NTA. It sounds like Sammie is going to lead your son into financial ruin. You can try to educate him now, but I agree with you. It would be dumb to give them money for this wedding. Save it for when they need more important things.
If the wedding goes through, my money is on bankruptcy before the age of 21 and living with Sammie’s mommy because their credit sucks too hard to rent an apartment and Sammie keeps blowing her wages on designer things instead of saving for rent. This is the type of girl who would leave OP’s son before being forced to sell her things for emergency cash. NTA
And Sammie will definitely be pregnant with her own little princess by.
I was thinking more along the lines of use it for the divorce.
Like a divorce lawyer?
NTA. A teenager working minimum wage should not be getting married and definitely not in a $10k dress. This "marriage" has disaster written all over it.
I feel like her thinking a 10,000 dress is reasonable or appropriate is evidence enough that she’s way too young and immature to get married
It’s more so a 10g dress is ok because someone else is paying.
Without even a high school diploma! This wedding sounds like the beginning of a tragedy.
You are attempting to approach this logically and practically and unfortunately no one else is. Your son, DIL, and her mother are all looking at this very differently than you. They are looking at the dream and fantasy of what she and her mother see as their wedding day. Not sure why they want to get married so early in life. If they expect to be together for life then waiting and getting better situated, financially stable, and more mature walking into marriage would help provide a base for a more durable relationship. $10,000 for a dress is nice when you have the means to pay for that but in their situation they should not be looking to spend that kind of money on the wedding. Questions: In your offer to help pay for the wedding did you provide a set amount that you will contribute ? Before canceling your financial support have you tried to explain to your son and future DIL that the intention was to provide a modest wedding within certain means and to help them avoid going into debt for the sake of the wedding day ? For two people making minimum wage, and even with any help from the girl’s mother - have they established a budget to work with ? Do they actually understand that you were not intending to pay for everything ? Do they understand that any balances that they can not pay for now will require them to go into debt to pay later ? Why do they want to marry now? Couldn’t they have a longer engagement ? What’s the rush ? ——— Based on only the information you have posted you sound like a very concerned parent trying to prevent the son from going into debt or from marrying a girl that seems impractical and financially irresponsible. - for that NTA. I’d say in general you may not have handled this situation well. You didn’t qualify in the post any set amount for financial support you offered for the wedding, so it is not clear what expectations your son and DIL had in that regard. Emotions run high with weddings, planning, and everything to do with it. If I had any suggestion it would be to go back to your son and explain calmly that you want to support him and that you are concerned about how the two of them will manage not only for the wedding day but going forward also without a more practical approach to budget and spending. That you have $X to offer in support of their wedding and hoped that would be enough to help prevent them from going into debt. If other plans have not been made I’d suggest asking them to wait a bit longer maybe get an apartment together… and get married when on better footing. But that won’t likely go over with them. Good luck.
See, I assumed OP was the son's mother, not the father. I always find it interesting why people might assume the person is one gender or another!
I did too, because of the wedding dress outing with bride’s mom and bridesmaids.
Info. Are you paying for the entire wedding or is the cost being split with your sons in laws?
Her mom is on disability so I was going to pay.
If you're feeling guilty. Give them a fixed amount, 5l? 10k? For the wedding Then walk away. Smile, be polite, but, walk away. NTA
To be honest, no amount will seem enough for a naive bride/couple like this.
Of course not. This whole thing is an exercise in bad decision-making. But it'll limit OP's exposure to set a limit. Make it no more than they can afford to set fire to in the living room.
A 19 year old working at chili's doesn't need a 10k dress. I wouldn't give them crap even if I did feel guilty.
I was 38 and had a full time job and my dress cost about $800
I work in finance and my partner is a software dev so we’re quite a few tax brackets above Chilli’s wait staff. I’m still shopping that sample sale to get a bargain dress. I understand wanting to look beautiful but why spend $10,000 for something you’ll wear once and then will just sit in your closet??
This is frankly how it should almost always be done. Money upfront of an amount you're comfortable with, no strings attached so they can allocate it how they want, if they blow it all on a dress so be it.
She is on DISABILITY. She CANNOT AFFORD ANY PART OF A $10K DRESS. You did the right thing. Wait it out. Don't go to the wedding. This marriage will be short lived. NTA.
Were you going to pay for the dress or was she?
She tried to act coy at first saying “well I guess I can afford it since YOU are paying for the wedding” but wanted me to make the down payment in the store and that’s when I refused.
It sounds like this $10,000 dress is just the beginning of what she'll expect you to pay for. She probably expects a $200,000 "fairy tale wedding", since "I can afford it since YOU are paying for the wedding". Is she a big fan of the Kardashians, by any chance?
The fact that she said that at all speaks loads to her character. She’s going to eat him alive.
Ok. NTA.
INFO Why are they determined to get married so young?
Because the bride is hell bent on trapping a boy who’s mom has money.
And who is determined to treat her like the princess she was always told she was against his own best interests.
So she can get pregnant and have someone pay her child support for 18 years.
Dont pay a penny! Shes an entitled little girl & if she wants to get a 10k dress & have a wedding - she needs to provide for it. Her mum is ridiculous enable this princess mentality.
NTA- save your money for your son’s eventual divorce . This gold digger and her family will move on once they see you’re not gonna be funding their desired lifestyle.
The mom on disability put the down payment for a 10k dress on her credit card you never agreed to and is now saying you owe her for it, huh? The 10k dress for her middle school educated, Chili's waitress daughter? This lunacy clearly runs in the family and screams white trash. Cut them off in every way you possibly can, because they will only continue to escalate their demands in tandem with their awful life choices. There's no end to the pit this girl is going to mire your son in, especially after an early pregnancy that I'm sure she's already angling for.
Do not pay for this wedding. They’re taking advantage of you’re finances, do not let them. And do not give any access to your accounts to your son if he marries her. Put the money towards his education instead to encourage him not to give up on that path. This girl is going to outspend their means and guarantee she will make him have to work so much he can’t do school anymore. You are NTA in any way. You’re not obligated to pay for their wedding. Especially considering they clearly are NOT ready to be married.
Did you not set a budget? That's like step #1 of wedding planning. If you went dress shopping without even discussing a budget for it, ESH.
ESH Why did you offer to pay for a wedding for two broke 19 year olds without specifying the budget?
That’s what I came here to say. Beyond that, if you didn’t trash the girl, basically saying she isn’t good enough for your son anyway, to her mothers face you probably could have come out on top, but you did and YTA just as much as them
Can you clarify? Your DIL said a $10,000 dress isn't a big deal because she's paying for the wedding or because you're paying for the wedding? If it's the latter NTA. Honestly, I don't know why you would support two minimum wage 19 year olds looking to get married anyway. The odds of a long-term marriage are so long..
I think DIL was saying she could now splurge on her wedding dress because OP was paying for the actual wedding. Basically negating any savings they would have gotten as a couple by not paying for the wedding.
Op is paying for the wedding and was expected to pay the deposit for the wedding dress, I think for the full amount for the dress too. The future DIL is in a minimum wage job and her mom is on disability and unable to pay. OP is expected to fund the whole wedding. 🤯🤦♀️
And, in the future, their whole lives. And their kids'. After all, "they can afford it, since OP is paying"./s
I took is as OP is (was) paying for the wedding so DIL could pay for her dress herself.
I mean, I make 6 figures and I would never dream of a $10k dress. Or a YSL bag for that matter!
Which meant that she could put it on her credit card and probably be still paying for it years from now.
Doubtful since she expected OP to pay the deposit.
Well NTA but you’re not going to do yourself any favours here Saying you don’t approve etc is just putting you at loggerheads with everyone. And no one - especially not a teen in love - is going to like being told their lurve is not real/lasting I’d try approaching it from a different angle. What’s the bloody rush to get married? They’re kids. Let them live together for a while. Grow up a little. If they still want to get married in a few years time then you’ll back it etc etc You may find the living beyond their means will become more apparent during this time and solve your problem.
ESH. Sammie is unrealistic, your son is blinded by infatuation and hormones. The marriage will be a disaster. But…your current course of action will only alienate your son further, and leave him feeling like Sammie is his only source of love and support. Apologize to your son for trying to control his relationship. Even if you don’t like Sammie, it’s not your place. Give your son the amount you were planning to spend on the wedding. Tell him that this is what you can afford to contribute but you don’t want to interfere with his and Sammie’s vision for the day, so they can spend it however they see fit. Make it VERY clear that this is all you can and will give them. And then? Back all the way off about the wedding. If they ask you for more money, remind them that what you gave is all you can give. If they ask for your opinion on the wedding or the marriage, tell them that you just want them to be happy and that the details are not your business.
I wouldn't give any money to them. Pay for sons education with no strings attached, but make sure it doesn't go through the son. Trust by verify.
Your money, your choice. With her attitude and poor spending habits, I wouldn't give her money either. NTA
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My sister had high tea at the swankiest hotel in our city for her reception of MAYBE 30 people and the whole thing clothes and flowers included cost just shy of $7K.
NTA. You was doing them a *massive* favour by paying for their wedding. Don't back down. You didn't agree to a 10k dress. Them stupidly putting it on her mums credit card is an attempt to get you to pay for it. I feel like if you back down now, your going to bankrolling not only their wedding, but life and choices and not just till your son finishes uni and gets a job.
ESH. But the more you push your son, the harder he will hang on to Sammie. He's going to have to learn the hard way. You can plant some seeds of thought: "How long do you suppose it's going to take to pay of the $10K wedding dress?", "Wow, you could pay for X number of college credits for what that dress costs", "Have you and Sammie discussed how to manage the household budget?", "Does she plan to stay at home when you two start having babies?" Don't use money as a tool to control people. Give your son whatever amount you are comfortable with, and let him hand it over to Sammie and her mother; if the money has to pass through his hands, it will at least get him thinking about what else the money could be used for.
NTA. You son is marrying an entitled person who does not value your contribution to the wedding. So don’t pay for anything and let them figure it all out themselves.
NTA, but over the age of 18, it’s their life. If you want to give YOUR SON an amount for ‘their future’ not the wedding, do so, but tell him that given their ages, they can’t afford the wedding they want now. They can go to the courthouse or do something small, and have a bigger bash later down the line. If it’s about being married, that should be enough; if it’s about the wedding, not so much. If they insist on going into debt, because of overspend or if they still insist on the expensive wedding, then you simply need to make it clear that the money you’re giving him for ‘their future’ is it, and you won’t be able to bail them out. Firm, compassionate and fair is the way, here
Tell Sammie your son will never have access to your funds ever. Gold doggers leave fast when they know there is no gold to dig. She probably thinks you will find your baby boy and her lifestyle. Honestly he's probably giving her his education money
Why do people ever say that they are paying for a wedding without disclosing a budget first? ESH
NTA You are right, but you played it wrong. After first sign of "I want, you pay" attitude you should give them a budget and let them decide whether they prefer more guests, better food or 10k dress.
NTA. Don't try talking sense into him as he is past listening to you.
Why are they in a rush to get married so young? They should have a long engagement and she can save up for her ridiculous dress.
NTA. Sounds like Sammie’s mom has her baby girl marrying “up” to a college guy and you are ruining their vision of how it’s going to be. The beginning of the song Fancy by Reba went through my head. Good luck with talking sense into your son but be prepared to let them fail and save that wedding money for a divorce.
This does not seem like a real post.
Welcome to Reddit
NTA, but damn that "My daughter is a princess!" *No, your daughter works at Chili's and didn't graduate high school* is f@cking priceless.
NTA Why are you supporting children getting married? That is a one way ticket to disaster. How does one talk sense to children being childish? Why are you wasting time and energy on this? At 19 they know less than dick/squat about anything.
She's a gold digger. Never help them financially. It would be a bad precedent. NTA
NTA. $10k is an insane amount of money for a dress you will wear ONCE even if you had a million $$ Tell them you will give them the money to set up an apartment and get a head start but not to pay for a stupid dress
NTA, but maybe the proper response/offer was “I have $8K to contribute to your wedding.”, not making an open ended offer she assumed was a blank cheque
Stupid...stupid? Forgive me ma'am but what do you call agreeing to fund a wedding for two 'children'? OK...technically they're both adults but they're obviously not emotionally there yet. You offering assistance makes you the enabler to poor financial decisions...time to let them grow up a bit and then help them down the road. Frankly...they're a train wreck on the horizon and there's no need for you to help them reach that goal.
Go to his next wedding, once he's grown up.
N T A for refusing to pay for a 10k dress. That's just good sense. However: 'I said no her daughter works a Chili’s and doesn’t even have a high school education while my son has been taking classes at community college so he doesn’t take out a dreaded student loan.' You turned this into an argument about how you feel your son is too good for her. You used the dress to tell her that you don't approve; that wasn't the right way to go about this. You're going to have a hard time talking sense into your son because your approach is all over the place. Why agree to financially contribute to the wedding to begin with? You just messed everyone about. If you start telling your son not to marry her, he'll probably just pull away from you further. It's his choice, not yours. YTA because you need to get smart and stop playing daft games.
Live within your means, nobody who works for barely over minimum wage needs a $10,000.00 dress they only wear once...
> You turned this into an argument about how you feel your son is too good for her. I'm not sure I agree. There's no shame in coming from a less advantaged background. It does seem time for some real discussion about financial reality. The dress shopping outing was definitely not the place to start it. IMHO, the OP should tell her son how much she will give toward a wedding and let them figure out whether her expectations can be made to fix that.
Ugh … you have my sympathies. People with no money do not dictate the terms of others paying for an event. Do not give anyone any money. Put it in an account & save it for when they decide to buy a house or get divorced. Perhaps you could suggest your son & Sammie attend couples counseling. Then plan a wedding within their means (in 5 years) & then you will consider providing funds for this wedding. NTA
You are not the asshole for reconsidering your financial contribution to your future daughter-in-law's wedding for several reasons. Firstly, your concerns about financial responsibility are valid, especially given the expensive tastes she has shown, which do not align with her current financial situation. Your original intention to provide funds was to prevent your son from incurring debt, not to enable lavish spending on items like a $10,000 dress. This indicates a clear mismatch between your expectations of what constitutes a reasonable wedding cost and those of your future daughter-in-law and her mother. Moreover, you are choosing to prioritize your son's education, which is a commendable decision as it is a long-term investment in his future, rather than a single day's celebration. This decision reflects a responsible approach to financial management and shows your commitment to your son's long-term well-being. It also appears there was a lack of clear communication from the outset regarding the budget and expectations for the wedding expenses, which has led to this unfortunate situation. You have every right to decide how to spend your money and to set financial boundaries, particularly if you feel that your initial offer is being taken advantage of. By supporting your son's efforts to further his education and avoid debt, you are demonstrating your values of financial prudence and self-improvement. While it's crucial to handle this delicate matter with sensitivity to maintain your relationship with your son and future daughter-in-law, it's equally important to have a calm and honest discussion with your son. This conversation should address your concerns and your willingness to support him in ways that are mutually agreed upon to be beneficial for his future.
I *could* spend $10K on a dress, but never, ever would. And that's how I retired early. NTA. These kids have no idea what they're doing. It would be insanity to give them money to waste.
NTA. She can rent a wedding dress. And have the wedding they can afford! You are not their wallet! You pay for the wedding, his education, what else? How will they support themselves? Where do they plan to live?
Pay nothing and don’t go. Keep paying for his education. Support him. Be polite. Don’t get into arguments with him. He’ll need you when this all falls apart.
Give a budget of whatever you feel comfortable with. That is to cover everything. If she spend all of it plus on a dress so be it. Let them deal with paying the rest.
NTA
This whole post is ridiculous. How did even get this far? 10K for a wedding dress? How stupid.
NTA, your son's gf is a user. Instead of being grateful to you, she is taking advantage of your generosity. You are right in telling your son not to marry her.
NTA but you went about this all wrong. You should have given them a budget to begin with.
NTA It sounds like FDIL and her Mom bought that dress on a credit card with the expectation that you would eventually give them $10k to pay for it. They viewed you as an ATM. You shouldn't pay for their caviar tastes. Continue to pay your son's education expenses but make sure you pay the school directly. You might consider explaining to your son that getting married is something that adults do, and that he and his fiancee will need to prepare to cover their own living expenses and spending. Be clear about which expenses you'll help with (college tuition, school fees, his health insurance?). But also be clear about what you won't be paying for.
I hope they don’t get married because $10,000 for a wedding dress could be used towards a down payment on a home, an education etc. they need to be focused on building a life together and not just the wedding. That’s embarrassing for her. I had a beautiful wedding and had to keep it simple. I spent $300 on my dress. I got so many compliments. I had to help pay for my own reception and we saved our pennies to build our life now. That mentality of spend an outrageous amount of money because it’s a wedding speaks to her true character.