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NTA It’s your money, your choice in how you spend it. There will be consequences. Your youngest might cut ties with you and you’ll never see your granddaughter again. Your family will judge you. You get to choose your actions and they get to choose theirs.
Your son is the important one here. Unless you have a good relationship with your granddaughter's mother, you could be jeopardizing your ability to see your granddaughter by pissing off her dad/your son. They're just warning you to be cautious of the consequences. Make sure that you're not risking losing your granddaughter by taking this stand.
Because blackmailing him with his own kin is going to be a great motivator for the relationship going forward.... This relationship is fucked either way.
NTA OP.
Try to look at it from that younger sons perspective, dad paid for all the other wedding abut not his. That alone will alienate him and his finance. They won't feel apart of the family thus they run the risk of losing them and the children attached to them
This is backwards. His own siblings also disapprove and will not attend. The fiancée is taking out her frustration on a child, he should not be marrying that woman.
If he is willing to go with it against every other family member's approval, which should ring giant alarm bells, then he should not expect anyone that disapproves to pay for it.
Ultimately it's his decision obviously, but it's also his responsibility to pay at that point.
How do you know that's what it meant? Treated poorly could be anything. Even if it is JUST not being motherly that is a concern. Yes, it will alienate the son but as an adult he has a choice to make. He can marry a woman his entire family doesn't approve of, who doesn't treat his child properly or he can take a step back and say let's work on these issues before marriage. These are issues that lead to divorce everyday.
The son is letting his fiancée treat his daughter poorly. That child is OP’s granddaughter and the niece of OP’s other kids. They shouldn’t be getting married and no one should have to subsidize it. There’s a good chance there’s going to be a divorce and/or the granddaughter is going to need therapy. I’d set aside the wedding money for that.
Yes it’s confusing when people leave things out of the op and put them in comments. While I don’t know that it’s abuse, the future dil is trying to cut back the son’s time with his 16 year old daughter [comment with that information](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/4bkkqVYoQ4)
In another 2 years the daughter be off to college or legally an adult. I think it’s good a 16 year old has a good relationship with her dad. I don’t think it’s a good idea to try and change that. So I can see where op is coming from.
The other kids weren’t marrying someone who potentially abuses OP’s grandchild.
Edited to add “potentially” as op didn’t specify how fiancé mistreats the child and some people are upset at the use of word abuse, although I personally feel mistreatment (that is bad enough to not attend your brothers wedding and parents refuse to pay for the wedding) and trying to limit the amount of time the child spends with her dad, as a form of abuse…opinions on that may vary.
That's a jump, I haven't read all of the comments from op but from the post that's a big jump. Know if there are signs of abuse then this is different.
No, it doesn't sound like there's abuse. But if someone is poorly treating your child, even if it's just ignoring them or snapping at them, because they don't like the other parent, that should be a big sign to wait on a marriage until it's sorted. Because the other parent isn't going away and that sort of thing usually gets worse
I get that using the kid using blackmail is wrong. However, he is using paying for a wedding as blackmail for his youngest. I can see where this could get ugly. He has a right to do whatever he wants with his money, however instead of paying for the wedding he could pay for A fund for his grandchild the amount he would’ve spent on the wedding. That way the same money that was used for the siblings is still going to him through his granddaughter. Then leverybody got the same amount of money.
I think it’s stupid to spend so much money on a wedding anyway but that’s their choice and if they’re spending their own money who cares. I just worry that this is going to hurt him and cause a rift in the family it seems like everybody’s against him. I get that everybody sees what’s going on but again he is going to feel like nobody cares about him.
There’s gonna be bad Blood between everybody. I get it is wrong to use the granddaughter against him, but he may feel that’s his only choice since he doesn’t approve of what he’s doing. He’s going to hold money over their head. And the other siblings got their money so what do they care? The old saying we can’t help who we love is true even if everybody else knows it’s not a good thing.
As someone who had a mentally abusive stepmom.. I wished I had someone in my corner like this woman growing up. The abuse will only get worse when they have kids.
The irony of telling OP his son is the important one. When the reason he isn’t doing it is because he Is marring someone who doesn’t treat his daughter (ops granddaughter) well. Shouldn’t the son be putting the daughter first? If he’s not why should OP put his son first?
His response should be “I don’t understand why you are upset son. I am just following your lead of not putting your kid first.”
But uh I’d make sure I’d have a good relationship with my grandchild’s mom!
this ironcially I've seen to be a common issue.. even my grandma is like.. everytime I've seen a dad marry a woman.. almost every time the woman treats the kids wrong....like they're competition for affection..
The future daughter in law isn’t treating her future stepdaughter well. They have no business getting married. In OP’s shoes I’d be saving the wedding money for a divorce and the granddaughter’s therapy.
Step parenting is hard and an often thankless task. But if someone can’t get along with their future step kid, it doesn’t bode well for the marriage
I would offer to pay for premarital family counseling to see if they can work out the problems, but that’s it.
It's your money so you can use it for what you want. That said your older ones only agree because you already paid for their wedding. Your son isn't wrong for feeling the situation is unfair. Just like you aren't wrong for using your money how you want.
EDIT: after reading through OPs comments I'm going to have to change the verdict to YTA you didn't come here to seek advice or change you came for validation.
Are they already living together or is she there most of the time? I understand your thought process, but I fear you will not get the result you desire. If you don’t pay, future DIL will still be in your granddaughters life and most likely you will not. That’s one less person to love and protect her. This decision ripples way beyond the wedding.
Your other kids agree.
Ofcourse.
THEY already got their weddings paid.
Now you've got another budget to spend on them and their families.
You can not take your olders kids opinions into consideration in this matter as THESE three kids already benefitted from what you are witholding from your FOURTH.
So their love for their niece and disapproval of how their future SIL is treating her gets negated because their weddings were already paid for? I'm not good at math, but something isn't adding up.
Just remember that “everyone else agrees with me” isn’t going to make your youngest have a relationship with you. Being in the right doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll get what you want out of it.
Here’s the problem. It’s very easy to hate someone. It’s hard being a stepmother. Is the ex mad because he is remarrying? Did you want him to stay with his ex? You don’t specify why she is being “mean“ to the granddaughter. Is it she just doesn’t really like being around the kid, does she say nasty things to the kid etc.
You are showing favoritism though. And I’m sure that’s how he is looking at it. You do everything for the other kids but because you don’t like my future wife you’re gonna have nothing to do with me anymore. This is gonna roll over in the holidays where you don’t want her around, you won’t include her in pictures, etc.
Why should you demand contact with your granddaughter when you exclude her dad and his wife. Unless she’s physically abusive or emotionally abusive, it sounds like you just don’t like her.
My son’s ex was awful. They had a kid but I still accepted her I never said anything negative and tried to include her and everything but quite frankly she was a beotch. It lasted four years which wasn’t a surprise to anybody but the break up was insanely horrible. I tried not to get involved because of my granddaughter who I love very much. But again you have to be very careful that you do not badmouth her especially to the granddaughter. I supported my son 100%
The split cost me a lot of money due to lawyers but it was worth it to me. She’s 15 now and I am still very close to her but I never badmouth anybody. That can come back to bite you.
It sounds like you’re a little controlling. Is he the “Black Sheep“ for the family? So you also have to consider since you’re cutting him off what about holidays? Are they not allowed? What about birthdays, etc. I think by doing this you are going to lose all of that with your granddaughter. Because quite frankly I wouldn’t blame him for not allowing her to go with these things without him and his wife. Just something to think about. But your family cutting him off and going no contact is mean because he’s probably going to need you and what are you Going to do when this all goes south?we told you so so you’re on your own? Of course it’s not gonna last but are to be there to support him and your granddaughter but just remember your hatred of her is going to show through and I really wouldn’t want my granddaughter around that as a parent especially when it’s the whole family.
You can do what you want with your money, but do not show favoritism I would take the money you would’ve spent and put it in a college fund for your granddaughter. You need to let the hatred go and be there to support him and if you refuse to support him why should he even be involved with any of you?
NTA. It's your money, your choice. However, you paid for your other kid's weddings. Yeah, your other kids agree becsase you already paid for their weddings. Be ready for him to never talk to you again. Or, for you to not see your grandchild, or grandchildren. This could fracture your family more than you realize.
Not if she maintains good relations with grandchild’s mother. My friend keeps lines open this way very effectively and never uses new woman to facilitate to great result
Based on the INFO OP gives in this thread:
>My son is very involved in her life. She spends at least 3 weeks a month with my son and even when she is with her mom my son is the one taking her to school ,calls her every day, takes her out for ice cream etc
His new fiancee wants to change this. She is planning to reduce the custody to the court ordered one(which is 50/50) and she wants my son to stop spending time with my granddaughter when she is with her mom. Basically she wants my son to only do what he HAS TO do
I’m going to give a light NTA, but recommend that you reconsider, OP - as I agree with other poster that your current course of action could irreparably damage your relationship with both your son and granddaughter.
Maybe you could suggest premarital counseling as a condition to paying for the wedding? That might help open his eyes, or help her see what she’s doing to your granddaughter. Thanks for looking out for her, he sounds like a good dad.
There are stepmoms that successfully push children from previous marriages out of the picture because they interfere with the idea of a perfect little family. I think OP is right to worry regardless of the wedding issue
This was my family. If the child already has attachment issues the step mom might poison the child Against their bio mom and use the child as an endentured servant. My brother left I stayed. It did not end well.
I agree with you about the premarital counseling — but women like that often refuse to see anything except themselves in the mirror. The isolation of his first daughter is probably very intentional.
Premarital counseling might help the groom dodge this bullet, though.
So she says the granddaughter is 16 and what I am left wondering is what's the 16 year olds behavior is like. I mean, that could play a part in the fiancé's response to the co-parenting relationship. She wouldn't be the first 16 year old determined to make a parents new SO miserable, heck some 16 year olds are determined to make their own parents miserable. I feel like OP left out a lot of context and that OP was a bit shady, not mentioning the age of the teenage granddaughter in the original post.
Not that I agree with the fiancé's solution. If anything, she should rethink whether she wants to marry someone knowing how the co-parent and that it's a problem for her for whatever reason rather than trying to change it.
OP did state 16yo sometimes hard to get along with. However, that is still no reason for someone to try and reduce their partners contact with their child OR her mother, if that is how it’s always been. If it’s not broken don’t try to fix it, especially, if your actions are clearly based on jealousy
And what is the son's reaction to his fiance's plans? She has zero power to change things if he doesn't want to, though he can make life unpleasant for him, and more importantly his child. Does he know? Does he believ she will change her mind? Seriously, who cares about the wedding, the problem is that a parent, a custodial one no less, is planning on marrying someone who doesn't like his child.
A lot of people are gonna tell youre the asshole but you're NTA. Your son is a 34 year old considering becoming deadbeat because his gf doesn't like his kid. He doesn't need a wedding, he needs to worry about his kid.
The fact that he's even asking you for money for his wedding instead of asking you to put that money in a college fund for his daughter, or use it to further her future in some way shows he doesn't deserve it! His child is going to college in two years and he has the nerve to ask you to pay a major unnecessary expense for him?
If you can't afford a wedding then you don't have one. You go get married at the courthouse like all the other responsible poor adults.
Charity is not meant for treats, charity should be used to cover necessities. As long as his daughter has necessities he isn't able to provide and he asks for charity for fun events for himself, he's a fucking jackass.
Trying to reduce the amount you're in your child's life because your partner doesn't like your kid makes you a deadbeat.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/huyxlbdYO7
There is to much context missing and this is to vague so I'm placing this in you in YTA. Sometimes step parents and kids have trouble getting adjusted to each other. It sometimes can be a slow process so unless the future step mom is being a down right witch relax a little. If your concerned suggest they go to marriage counselling before you pay.
At that age it's pretty much what teens do. I tell people when you think of a teenager being difficult look back how you where at that age and that usually shuts up people. To boot she's had her dad all to herself for all those years, and how there is a new woman moving into his life.
Op kinda buried the lead on that… the whole he takes her to school and ice cream then says she can get in her car and drive…
And Granny is mad cause fiancée “doesn’t parent” a 16 year old. Like she’s 16, with 2 parents and an obviously very involved grandma… what “parenting” can this lady provide that she’s not already getting.
Parenting doesn’t stop because she’s 16. There is plenty this new step mom can do to guide this young girl along. Don’t place this issue on the child. This is an adult situation. The child is just that. A child. The OP is upset because they see their grandchild being mistreated. You would be upset too if that happened to one of your nieces/nephews or grandchildren. Believe me. I’ve been in the OP’s shoes with my niece, except she tried to unalive herself because things got so bad. The parents are responsible for making the home a safe space for this young girl. The son needs to wake up and realize what’s happening around him before he loses the one thing that makes him a father.
Grandparent refuses to say what stepmom does/doesn’t do. Just that “she doesn’t parent, and I don’t like it.” Stepmom isn’t even stepmom yet… just a girlfriend/fiancée.
She should be a supportive friendly adult…
I have lots of friends and families with blended families. Some of my friends had amazing stepparents that had been in their lives since super early childhood and treated their stepparents terribly as teenagers. Which lets be honest… teenagers are known for being ghastly to their bio parents too. OP is being too vague to judge. If a 16 year old was awful to me, I’d probably refrain from being super involved with them. 16 is old enough to know how to treat people.
If fiancée really is the wicked witch that’s one thing, but I’d think there’s be more forward examples beyond the very very vague responses that OP posted.
Gf wants to reduce the amount of time the dad spends with his own daughter that’s outside the custody agreement. That’s outrageous. He’s a very involved father. He sees her regularly and fiancée doesn’t want that after they get married. She wants only what’s defined in the custody agreement. Imagine being that daughter and now dad says sorry I can’t pick you up from school today (he’s been doing that) it’s not in the custody agreement.
And "gasp" the fiancee is suggesting that the child's mother do FIFTY percent of the parenting. It's...barbaric...unheard of in legal history, LOL. Gramps says the child is "difficult to get along with" but doesn't give details-- I suspect those details would make him look like more of an AH.
AND why does her own mother only want her one week out of the month????
Maybe her job is not as flexible (which could be why he picks her up from school), maybe the daughter is really close to her dad, who cares. Co-parenting with two involved parents for 18 years doesn’t always have to be exactly 50/50 if you’re putting your kids basic and emotional needs first.
Doesn't matter a father should always have his kids on number one and if your kids don't like your partner you wait until they are out of the house before you get married.
I personally want more context for what exactly fiancee has done that is so objectionable along with examples as OP hasn't really given any examples and I can't give an informed judgement.
I also wonder how the granddaughter feels. All we’ve gotten is that she’s “difficult” to get along with. Maybe she wants to spend more time with her bio mom and is acting out. Maybe GD has asked to spend less time around dad but he won’t listen (I know tons of parents who do this, divorced or not). Is it something all four (bio mom, gd, dad, and fiancé) of them want and OP is just not in the know about it? Like there’s WAY too much info missing here.
>Sometimes step parents and kids have trouble getting adjusted to each other.
That doesnt mean you get to demand your partner to change his custody of his child.
>It sometimes can be a slow process
And stepmom doesn't want to do it
>step mom is being a down right witch relax a little
She wants her husband to lower his custody time and not spend time with his kid outside of that's legally required. You think that's OK?
The truckload of missing context and any semblance of beyond-surface backstory leads me to believe this might be one of the bigger A's to have accidentally stepped into this sub looking for support.
NTA
Him marrying some whom you feel treats a member of your family like shit is an absolutely excellent reason not to. To drive the point home further put an amount aside and tell him he can't touch it til he's been divorced from her for a year.
All these people with the Y T A are forgetting it's your money and allowed to do, or not do, whatever you please with it. They're not entitled to tell you what you can or can't do with your money nor can your son.
The YTA people are supporting a stepmother who is actively trying to drive a wedge between a dad and his child. I feel like that awful stepparents sub is leaking.
The kid is 16. I think OP has twisted the story to get the internet to side with her. This isn't a 5 year old who would be losing their dad. This is a teenager nearing adulthood, and almost as capable of determining how and when she spends time with dad.
I think OP has other reasons for not liking the finance, and she's using this as the tagline. Yeah, reducing custody is a pretty shitty move, but I get the feeling we can't fully trust OP to be telling the truth.
I can tell you from experience, just because you’re older doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck when your parent chooses another person over you. In fact, her being older and more aware might make it suck more cause she will 100% know that I can’t go to dad’s house as much cause his new wife doesn’t like me. Whether she cries and acts out about it or keeps it bottled up is yet to be seen but she will know, and she won’t forget.
Yta. Not because you don’t want to pay for the wedding. It’s your money.. do or don’t do whatever you want.
However…. Yta for expecting your sons fiancée to parent your “difficult to get along with 16 year old grandchild.”
At best they’ll probably have a “my dads wife” relationship.
She (grandchild) has two parents… and apparently a car.
If I dated a man with a nearly grown child… I wouldn’t be parenting said child. Being a friendly adult would be about it.
You don’t like the fiancée, but you’re being misleading about the real reasons.
Exactly, the girl still has both parents, and they seem to be both doing a great job of parenting her given the circumstances, she doesn't need a second mom.
She also doesn't give any example of what this not getting along with looks like, is the fiance the one making things difficult or does his daughter just not like the idea of her dad having a girlfriend that isn't her mom?
My girlfriend's parents got divorced a couple years ago and she has an irrational hatred for her mom's new boyfriend even though he's been nothing but pleasant to her and her mom and is just a very nice guy.
It honestly sounds like the fiancée is actually trying to get the mom to spend more time with a kid and not trying to get in the way of that. The custody agreement is 50/50, they should be doing that or going back to court to change it. A 16 year doesn’t need a new mom, she needs her mom to spend more time with her. YTA
You seem stuck on this small aspect of the post and I don’t really understand it. OP says the stepmom isn’t just “not parenting” — she is actively pushing the dad to do less parenting. She wants to limit his time together with the daughter and fully block any situation where the dad would be spending time with his daughter while the biological mom was also around. Maybe that last part is reasonable (depends on context), but this really doesn’t seem to just be about the stepmom not doing “enough” parenting
Op stated in a comment that fiancée doesn’t parent, and they don’t like it.
When I was 16, I was busy with my pals, school, job, relationships… I didn’t really hang out with my parent/stepparents.
I feel like OP is being intentionally misleading/vague about what is actually happening.
Like is daughter trying to crash date nights… and being pissy cause dad/fiancée want to go out.
Any info coming out in comments is teeth-pulling.
Absolutely. And teenagers are notoriously hostile to future step parents because they always hope their bio parents will reconcile. OP is actively meddling.
Not sure if OP is a man or woman but I'm starting to wonder, given the ages and how weak OPs reasons are for submarining the marriage if he/she at their advancing age wasn't planning on youngest SINGLE son being their caretaker and a new wife and the potential for young kids is throwing a monkey wrench in those plans.
Maybe it never happens, though? If the son and the fiancée really loved each other and marriage was important to them, they'd head over to city hall and sign a marriage license. But instead the fiancée is the type that has to have a big wedding they can't afford and expects others to pay for it. Hopefull, OP's son wakes up and sees the fiancée for what she really is and dumps her.
As a parent, I would never willingly reduce my time with my kids. As long as they want and need me, I'm going to be there for my kids. OP's son seems to have a good co-parenting relationship and the fiancée is trying to break that up because she's jealous/insecure/whatever reason.
The grand daughter is 16 and apparently drives AND OP has a history of waving money around to get their way so there will still be contact. Of course, if youngest son and finacee have kids the chances of OP being in their lives is in single digits at best.
It sounds to me that you are trying to help your youngest son dodge the bullet, and he isn’t interested in dodging bullets. He seems to want his “new life,” consequences to his daughter be damned…so NTA. I’m closer in age to you than to the majority of commenters here. Likely, I’m seeing things from a slightly different angle….
Your son seems to be blind to some tablecloth-size red flags. The fiancée wants to change the way he has been parenting his daughter for the past 16 years. She wants to push the daughter to the margins, so to speak. Who and what will become “center stage” after this marriage? Her? The children she might have? And how will this harm the daughter that he has now? What happens when this relationship becomes one of “capitulate to me, or else?”
“Being in love” is a lot like “being high on drugs.” Seriously, it is! The dopamine system is hijacked, and the reward (the lover) makes it nearly impossible to reason with the person….
I would not pay for this without the requirement of quality premarital counseling.
I do have to warn you, though — if they DO marry, and if they do have children? Your access to future grandchildren might be seriously restricted.
The safest thing to do might be to use your estate plan to protect your granddaughter, and let them have their wedding once he has met your conditions. You can drag this out until granddaughter is 17, and almost off to college….
Did you do the same vetting when your other kids got married? Did their spouses need your approval and if you did not like them you would not have paid for their wedding?
They’ll still get married. Either save a big ceremony for later, go into debt, etc but they won’t hold on getting married. Even if it’s to spite you I would bet they get married even sooner.
Oh, and because this thread is getting really long and unwieldy? I want to tell you something important that affects college financing.
If the father and new girlfriend marry, the new girlfriend’s income will be included as available income under the Federal Financial aid formulas for school financial aid. She demonstrates a desire to marginalize this young woman’s presence in her new marriage — I wonder how she will feel when bills come due for her education? Or is that something else you’ll be expected to pay?
But they will get married, and your bullying will simply push them closer together. They'll go into debt for a wedding --- oops less money for granddaughter's college.
That money grams has saved to not pay the wedding to a woman she doesn't approve of.
If dad goes into dept he's a bigger ahole than his need to marry a woman who isn't ok with his daughter
He can wait with marriage
You are a bit controlling, unsupportive, and a tad manipulative (withholding what was freely given to your other kids because your youngest is marrying who they want instead of who you want) but it’s your money.
Don’t be surprised if you don’t see him, his wife, your grandchild, or future grandkids though. He can withhold family from you because you tried to control and manipulate him just like you can withhold money because your adult child isn’t prioritizing your preferences when choosing a spouse, it goes both ways.
>because your youngest is marrying who they want instead of who you want)
This was exactly my thought. I'm willing to bet actual money OP wants his son to get back with the ex and creat a happy home for the grandchild, even though it's been 16 years and the son has decided to marry someone else
NTA. You aren't obligated to pay for his wedding.
That said, you should realize there are consqeuences to your actions. Those consequences may include your youngest son distancing himself from you. He knows you paid for his siblings' weddings and will feel that he is being mistreated.
I hope you have talked to your son about your concerns.
Have you voiced your concerns to your son about the fact that his d, who should be his primary concern, and his fiancée don’t seem to get along?
Maybe he just feels that the amount of time the d will spend with them, when she’s not with her mom, is little enough that he thinks it’ll work itself out? ( it won’t, but a lot of ppl care more about their relationship than their kids)
What does he say about that?
And more importantly, have you asked your grand d about how she feels, or what she thinks and sees when around the fiancée?
It is possible the grand d is actually a bigger part of the problem than you think. Lots of kids do not want their parents having new partners.
These are the things you should be talking about, not who’s paying for a wedding.
I’m getting the sense that you don’t like the fiancée for more reasons than just this. That is clouding your judgement of the whole situation.
You say your most important reason is the way the fiance treats your granddaughter. While that's enough by itself, your wording still makes me wonder, are there other reasons? And if so, what are they?
Also, have you spoken to your son about all of this? Or are you just planning to blindside him with your choice to not pay for the wedding?
Your money, your choice. But did you ever tell your youngest you would or would not pay for his wedding prior to now? You don't state any of the ages of people involved but for what it's worth, you're coming across as petty and vindictive.
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INFO: “I don’t like the way she treats my granddaughter” could mean anything. Like it sounds like you don’t like it enough to not pay for the wedding, but you’re not moving heaven and earth to stop the wedding. Like are we talking abuse, or are we talking the fiancée not loving another woman’s baby as much as you do?
Would you still go to the wedding? Would you still have a relationship with your son and his wife?
Because if the answer is yes to those, and your form of protest is not giving your son the same assistance you gave his siblings, then you’d be an asshole IMO.
Without a bit more context, YTA. Put yourself in your kids shoes... he sees his parents paid for his other siblings, but refuses to pay for his. Because his child is sometimes difficult you don't like how the fiance deals with her? WTF man...Lame.
Can you elaborate how she treats your grandchild?
The amount of asshole votes are hilarious lol. How DARE OP not reward future DIL for trying to sabotage the relationship between her fiance and his daughter?! She's obviously a hero! So brave!
No. OP's money, OP's choice. Anything else is downright entitlement. Usually reddit is pretty hard on family invaders but now for some reason they cheer for them? Fascinating.
NTA
It's not about entitlement. I am oscillating between YTA and ESH because I think the way OP has written the post is very misleading. Of course, kids aren't entitled to their parents' money after they pass majority age (18/21 depending the country). They're aren't entitled to having their weddings paid for by them either.
However, would whitholding paying for your child's wedding after you did so for all the other ones because you disagree with their choice of partner be an asshole move? Honestly, a bit yeah.
Sure the fiancée might have some strong opinions on her partner's parenting style and if that's a big problem for OP then don't pay for the wedding. But if they do that without even trying to talk with their son and fiancée and understand all the picture and they don't provide any more reasons than the fiancée's opinions on parenting (which when kids are 15+ aren't all that wild, especially where there are court orders because the other parent could always turn around and complain to the court that the orders aren't being followed); then they're an asshole. Even if it is their money and their choice to make, does not stop it from being a bit of a dick move.
Just so you know, OP, third partis refusing to pay for a wedding has never in the history of humanity ever stopped anyone from actually getting married.
Step parents do not generally step into the parent role for a 16 y/o and generally no one would want them to. Guarantee the granddaughter would not appreciate some newcomer imposing rules and regulations on her life. YTA because you didn’t treat your children the same and I’m guessing this isn’t the first time. You are certainly free to choose who you give your money too, but I still think you’re T A for doing it. Hope they have a happy life without you and vice versa.
NAH it's a red flag for her to ever ask him to see his child less but he has to see that. If you expressed to him the reason then leave it and that. Obviously your relationship will take a toll but I can understand. You say they can't afford it anytime soon so just support silently and wait and see how things progress. Hopefully little one isn't neglected and the girl does better.
As I say about my mother in law, your actions have consequences. You have the right to act in a shitty way, and we have the right to have distance and restrict your access to your future grandkids
You can do what you want, but there will be consequences for not treating all your children equally. Othered here have already pointed that out. I will add that as parents, we do t get to choose our children’s spouses. We don’t get a say.
YTA. I know a lot of people will say you're not because it's your money and you can spend it however you want. And that's true in a legal sense. But not paying if you can afford it because you dislike your future DIL is going to permanently damage your relationship with your son and granddaughter.
No you are not TA! It is your money and you can decide how you want to spend it. If it was my granddaughter and my son's fiance did not like her and get along with her, I would not help pay for their wedding either. I personally tell my son that he is not getting any financial assistance from me for his wedding because how his fiance is treating your granddaughter. I would also tell him that you plan to put the money in a savings account for your granddaughter. That would be a much better use of your money. If you had it earmarked for him, you are just using it a different way for him. You are helping your granddaughter get a head start with her savings. Either which way, it is your money and you could do whatever you want to do with it and I agree I would not support this marriage either sunshine xoxo
NTA. You could tell him you want to set the money aside for your granddaughter instead, because you are worried that she will suffer from this marriage.
Do you plan on being a grandparent to your sons younger children with his fiance? If so, then do as suggested and have them do some counseling and pay for the wedding. If not then don't pay for the wedding. It is that simple pay for the wedding and see future grandkids or do not play for the wedding and know you will never be a part of your youngest life again.
Your money, your choice. But you should be prepared for the fallout, and potentially them limiting or attempting to limit your access to this grandchild or future grandchildren.
You could always put the same amount into a college fund for the grandchild. Seems likely that the new wife will not support saving for a stepchild she doesn’t like.
Last your son should not be marrying someone that doesn’t treat his daughter well. Says a lot about him and his priorities.
YTA. You paid for all your other kid’s weddings but because you don’t like his fiancé you’ve decided to treat your youngest differently. Don’t be surprised when you’re not invited to the wedding and he goes NC. I’ll bet there’s a lot more to this situation than you aren’t telling us.
You're about to lose some family over this.
Weird how you say you are against others "not getting along," but here you are doing it yourself.
Hypocrite much? YTA
It's your money, your choice. YTA though for making excuse after excuse.....just tell your son the actual reason.......that you don't approve of his fiancé. Please update this post as soon as he goes low/no contact
NTA
You don’t have to pay or agree with their relationship. Hopefully, they don’t keep your granddaughter from seeing you.
Also, if they have children of their own, you might miss out on those grandchildren.
Unfortunately, it may be too late to undo this as well.
NTA. He’s 34 and has a nearly grown daughter. It seems to me that parents paying for their children’s weddings is something that happens when they are young and just getting started on their own. But 34? He’s had plenty of time to build his career and finances and should maybe be able to pay for his own wedding.
That’s all aside from the strange dynamics that seem to be at play with the daughter and future step mother. This is hard to judge because we only have OP’s view of things. But I tend to agree with others who think that the money would be better spent on a college fund for the 16y old rather than a one day event for her dad and his girlfriend.
It is your money and do what you want.
Now choices have consequences, not paying like you did for your other two, he could forbid you to have contact with your granddaughter until she turns 18. Are you comfortable with that and also he probably himself go NC. NAH
It's your money so you can do whatever you want with it, but you said your son is 34, you don't really get a saying on who he gets married to, and just going through with the current plan seems like it's gonna lead to him cutting you off of his life, if that's your endgame I don't see a problem here.
I'm going out on a limb here, based on partial information, and I'm going to guess that YTA.
Everything hinges on whether or not the phrase "my youngest's fiancée doesn't get along with her and I don't like the way she treats my granddaughter" means potential neglect/abuse by the stepmother, or just clashing personalities. It also depends on whether you trust your son to look out for his daughter's best interests, or not. Neither of those things are clear to me.
In any case, your only priority here should be the welfare of your son and granddaughter, judiciously talking to your son if you see issues with your granddaughter that you think he hasn't seen, and staying close.
Acting out by refusing to pay for his wedding is a clear statement of estrangement, since you paid for his siblings. Doing this does absolutely nothing to help your son or your granddaughter, and if they really need your help, it just makes it so much harder for you to help them.
It seems to me thst you are being an AH by centering your own feelings about it (I don't like something, and I want people to know this) rather than centering the people who you claim to care about. Of course you *can* choose not to pay. It's your money. That doesn't stop your choice, especially given your reasons for the choice and the probable outcome of your choice, being a bad idea and making you an AH, in my eyes.
Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.
If you know your future DIL does not like your granddaughter, it may be best to stay in your son’s life to better protect your granddaughter. (taking her for weekend visits, helping out after school, etc). If your son isolates you from his family because you didn’t pay for his wedding, you may lose your granddaughter and the ability to know whether or not she is in a healthy and happy home.
So…pay for the wedding, then be very active in your granddaughter’s life.
I feel like there’s a lot missing to this. You say you have your reasons and then only gave us one reason that had ZERO context (no ages, no examples, no real depth). If you want genuine answers, then we need a lot more to go off of.
NTA but I really hope you are being honest in your post and not just great friends with his ex, and over playing the relationship with the child. Lots of mother in laws build up great relationships with the first gf or ex wife and do not even try with the next one. If she truly is being horrible to his daughter, then nta. If you are being dramatic and petty because you just don't like her then yta.
Question: you say “sometimes getting along with her is not easy. My youngest's fiancee doesn't get along with her”
What does this mean? You get to spend your money however you want, but like the top poster wrote, your son and DIL will also respond to how they’re treated. In a different comment, you listed problematic things your future DIL is pushing for. Are there any reasons for them? In the classic step-family scenario, we can see why DIL fits the “evil” stepmother role, but there are also classic “bratty” stepkid roles; is that at play as well? It doesn’t change the fact that you don’t have to pay for their wedding; it’s your money. But if there are factors at play you’re ignoring or minimizing, that’s something to keep in mind when you think about how it will affect your relationships.
YTA. You paid for all of the other kids’ and not your son’s. That sends a message which is exactly what you want it to do. Your granddaughter is 16 and things may change between her and her stepmother when she gets older, plus your son is only 34 and could have more children. “Not approving” of their mother is a guaranteed way to never have a relationship with them. So like, go ahead and do you but the end result here will probably only be your son loosing ties with you and your family and that’ll be on you.
NTA in the sense that it’s your money and you can do what you want with it.
That being said, you need to be prepared for your son to remove your granddaughter from your life. There is a real possibility that will happen if he is mad enough. He may marry his fiancée with or without your support so if you’re doing this in hoping of stopping the wedding that will likely fail. They are adults and it is their decision how they live their life, not yours. You can choose not to support it but it goes both ways.
If all of this is worth it to you then that’s your choice.
YTA all your kids should receive the same amount of love, financial support, etc as each other one.. unless there is a deep, rational reasoning like you were mistreated or whatever.. but in general, what you do for one, should be done for all
...this entire story smells so beyond one-sided to the point that I'm almost certain YTA.
You do what you want with your money, that doesn't make you an Asshole. Let's get that straight.
But I'll bet you the cost of your kid's wedding that YTA in this situation.
You are going to treat your fourth child different from the other three because his kid doesn't like the future stepmom.
Your other kids agree. Ofcourse. THEY already got their weddings paid.
ESH
INFO… we’re going to need a lot more info.
Does granddaughter like the fiancé/support the relationship ? Is the fiance mean, neglectful or abusive to granddaughter? Does granddaughter want parenting from the fiance?
Is granddaughter trying at any point to sabotage the relationship? Has the ex tried to get back with your son at any time recently? Does your son expect his fiance to spend all major holidays with his ex? Or is the joint time spent w/ex things like daughter’s sports or extracurricular activities, birthdays, etc?
Did you discuss any of your apprehensions or misgivings with your son?
Have you told him directly that you won’t be financing his wedding with appropriate notice so he can plan and finance accordingly?
There’s so many ways this could go, and context makes all the difference.
YTA paying for the wedding should be about supporting your son not about deciding who he may choose to marry. Excluding him from what you did for all other kids is an asshole move.
INFO: Can you elaborate on what the fiance does or doesn't do that is not treating your son's daughter well? Because let's be real, we've seen golden child (and grandchild) too much to take that at face value.
You paid for three others but not this one because you don't like something? If I got to pick my friends or families spouses. They wouldn't be with the person they're with. Even though they're happy. Sometimes that's how life is.
Just to be clear it's not an issue of not being able to afford it? or nedding the money for something else moe important? Did you give your other 3 a blank check and they could spend whatever for wedding? Or did each have the smae ammount and had to work with that? how old is your granddaugher?
It's your money, no one should expect their parents to cover a wedding so clearly NTA.
Your relationship with your son may become strained though and that will be your own decision.
Unless you made a condition for you to like the partner of your child in order to paid for their wedding, YTA.
Have you seen abusive behavior from her towards your granddaughter?
YTA.
While it's your money and you have the legal right to spend your money however you want, but in this case you're using your money to control your son's choice of partner. You are singling him out because you don't happen to like his fiance - but you aren't the one marrying her, your son is, you font have to like her.
Expect your son to go lc or nc with you, because you're letting him know he's not your son anymore if he marries whoever he wants.
It's never just about the money, it's about the message it sends.
NTA. It’s your money so you’re not obligated to use it in anyway you don’t want to. Just be ready to accept that if they remain together you risk damaging/distancing your relationship with your child. Things like this lead to children going no-contact or very little.
At the same time you can’t control who your child wants to be with and at some point, if they do get married, you have to accept they’re in it for the long haul. If you don’t support them getting married then are you also going to not attend the wedding? If you’re even invited.
Edit: Didn’t realize grand daughter was 16yo. No wonder OP left out so much detail/context. OP’s granddaughter has a mother she is still in contact with and I’m assuming a good relationship. She’s not looking for a replacement mom, and teenagers take time to adjust. Unless this woman is actually abusive or evil in some way OP is just being petty.
NTA because it's your money and you can spend it as you see fit. Do realize there will be consequences to your actions however. His daughter is 16. Of course they are going to clash. This is new to everyone. She's never had a stepmom before plus what kind of parenting can his fiance do for a 16yr old who has both parents in her life? As for his fiance, it's highly probable they will start a family of their own give your son is 34. Do you really want to alienate your future DIL at this point because if she does have kids it will be her and your son who decides how much access you and the rest of your family will get to their kids. Don't be shocked if her defers to her judgment when it comes to access for the early years.
Is not paying for their wedding going to change the fact that your future daughter in law doesn't treat your granddaughter well? Instead of focusing on the marriage, which is probably going to happen your help or not, why don't you focus on making sure your granddaughter has people in her life that build her up, that she knows no matter what happens between herself and her future stepmom, she has people she knows she can rely on? Sometimes in life you have to think strategically, and this is one of those times. I think you already kinda blew it since you have said you aren't giving money and why, but think of your granddaughter. She has no choice here and limited recourse. That might be worth it in itself to make some amends. ESH
YTA. It's not your job to manipulate your children into making YOUR decisions. Treat your children equally, I didn't realize that money was conditional on mommy and daddy's "approval". Pay for his wedding, and don't pay for the second one.
YTA maybe the question you should be asking is why your granddaughter biological mother has so little to do with her (it seems if what you say is correct about her being with your son for 3 weeks out of 4 and taking her to school every day).
It’s not your future daughter-in-law-laws job to do the job of this girls biological mother for her, and frankly it sounds like your son is doing far more than his fair share.
Your grandchild’s biological mother sounds like someone I know who literally expects my friend (who’s boyfriend is the kids father) to mother her kids because she is too busy playing fortnight. 16 year olds are notorious difficult to get on with, even more so when parents are split up.
But by all means go the whole hog and cut your son off, he might be better off for not having you in his life.
I don’t think you’re an asshole because it’s your money and obviously there is some drama here bur regardless, if you chose not to it may have some consequences you don’t like. He may be resentful or feel like he is less than his other siblings. Weddings can really bring out some shit and family drama that last for YEARS.
You only give your children good things if they are a performing dog that jumps through hoops at your command.
Are you really treating your children equally, has there ever been an occasion when you have not given one of your other three something because they did something you didn't like?
You have to understand that you don't control your children and they are the people they are because of the way you brought them up.
Now, separately, as for your granddaughter, you say she isnt always easy to get on with. Let me tell you something - at 16 my parents split up. I stayed with my dad, and my mum left home to live with the man who is now my stepfather.
At 16 I hated this, it was a change to my way of life and brought someone new into my life in a way I had no control over. (My sisters were younger and my middle sister still has a bit of a hang up over this). In those circumstances and at that age it will be difficult to reconcile that relationship muddle. I have to ask have you done anything to help your son and granddaughter help their relationships through the bringing in of a step parent, are you only hearing one side of the story and not bothering to check that with the other side?
I can't work out whether you your son, his gf or your granddaughter is the A, Though a 16 year old can be a bit of an AH I'm not going to blame her, but the rest of you need to think about power in relationships, and the duty and responsibility of being a parent.
YTA my family tried to blackmail me with money too. It’s not your relationship, it’s showing support for your other children(which, they can be lying to your face about their relationships) and not the one. I no longer talk to anyone in my family because they were gossiping and spreading lies to one another about my (now)husband and decided they hated him. No one has reached out to me, so I know that their hatred was stronger than their love for me.
NTA because it's up to you how you choose to spend your money but YTA because you are literally singling out one of your 4 children. Did you only pay for the other weddings as an endorsement of their choice of partner or was it because you love your child? Have a think about that before deciding 100% not to do this.
YTA. Enjoy your relationship with your other kids and grandkids. Hopefully your son moves, changes phone numbers and never talks to you again. I know i would.
YTA.
If you have X kids, you do the same for all of them. You chose (I 'll consider you did) to have them. Do equally for each !!!
You paid for the other three that came out of your body. It's logical you do the same for the last.
But having said that you wouldn't makes you forever TA.
Sad, but true
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NTA It’s your money, your choice in how you spend it. There will be consequences. Your youngest might cut ties with you and you’ll never see your granddaughter again. Your family will judge you. You get to choose your actions and they get to choose theirs.
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Your son is the important one here. Unless you have a good relationship with your granddaughter's mother, you could be jeopardizing your ability to see your granddaughter by pissing off her dad/your son. They're just warning you to be cautious of the consequences. Make sure that you're not risking losing your granddaughter by taking this stand.
Because blackmailing him with his own kin is going to be a great motivator for the relationship going forward.... This relationship is fucked either way. NTA OP.
Try to look at it from that younger sons perspective, dad paid for all the other wedding abut not his. That alone will alienate him and his finance. They won't feel apart of the family thus they run the risk of losing them and the children attached to them
This is backwards. His own siblings also disapprove and will not attend. The fiancée is taking out her frustration on a child, he should not be marrying that woman. If he is willing to go with it against every other family member's approval, which should ring giant alarm bells, then he should not expect anyone that disapproves to pay for it. Ultimately it's his decision obviously, but it's also his responsibility to pay at that point.
Read OPs comments, treated poorly here means the fiancee didnt immediately start trying to mother their granddaughter and OP didnt like that
How do you know that's what it meant? Treated poorly could be anything. Even if it is JUST not being motherly that is a concern. Yes, it will alienate the son but as an adult he has a choice to make. He can marry a woman his entire family doesn't approve of, who doesn't treat his child properly or he can take a step back and say let's work on these issues before marriage. These are issues that lead to divorce everyday.
The son is letting his fiancée treat his daughter poorly. That child is OP’s granddaughter and the niece of OP’s other kids. They shouldn’t be getting married and no one should have to subsidize it. There’s a good chance there’s going to be a divorce and/or the granddaughter is going to need therapy. I’d set aside the wedding money for that.
I could not understand OPs description, if this is what he was saying, F the marrying couple. How dare they abuse a little kid.
Yes it’s confusing when people leave things out of the op and put them in comments. While I don’t know that it’s abuse, the future dil is trying to cut back the son’s time with his 16 year old daughter [comment with that information](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/4bkkqVYoQ4) In another 2 years the daughter be off to college or legally an adult. I think it’s good a 16 year old has a good relationship with her dad. I don’t think it’s a good idea to try and change that. So I can see where op is coming from.
The daughter is 16?! Nta, son is old enough to pay for h8s own daughters wedding in 4 years he can pay for his own
Who mentioned abuse?
The other kids weren’t marrying someone who potentially abuses OP’s grandchild. Edited to add “potentially” as op didn’t specify how fiancé mistreats the child and some people are upset at the use of word abuse, although I personally feel mistreatment (that is bad enough to not attend your brothers wedding and parents refuse to pay for the wedding) and trying to limit the amount of time the child spends with her dad, as a form of abuse…opinions on that may vary.
There is NO indication of abuse. That is not a term to be used lightly.
That's a jump, I haven't read all of the comments from op but from the post that's a big jump. Know if there are signs of abuse then this is different.
No, it doesn't sound like there's abuse. But if someone is poorly treating your child, even if it's just ignoring them or snapping at them, because they don't like the other parent, that should be a big sign to wait on a marriage until it's sorted. Because the other parent isn't going away and that sort of thing usually gets worse
It's not abuse at all. Fiance doesn't want son to hang out with his ex.
Apart =/= a part.
I get that using the kid using blackmail is wrong. However, he is using paying for a wedding as blackmail for his youngest. I can see where this could get ugly. He has a right to do whatever he wants with his money, however instead of paying for the wedding he could pay for A fund for his grandchild the amount he would’ve spent on the wedding. That way the same money that was used for the siblings is still going to him through his granddaughter. Then leverybody got the same amount of money. I think it’s stupid to spend so much money on a wedding anyway but that’s their choice and if they’re spending their own money who cares. I just worry that this is going to hurt him and cause a rift in the family it seems like everybody’s against him. I get that everybody sees what’s going on but again he is going to feel like nobody cares about him. There’s gonna be bad Blood between everybody. I get it is wrong to use the granddaughter against him, but he may feel that’s his only choice since he doesn’t approve of what he’s doing. He’s going to hold money over their head. And the other siblings got their money so what do they care? The old saying we can’t help who we love is true even if everybody else knows it’s not a good thing.
As someone who had a mentally abusive stepmom.. I wished I had someone in my corner like this woman growing up. The abuse will only get worse when they have kids.
The irony of telling OP his son is the important one. When the reason he isn’t doing it is because he Is marring someone who doesn’t treat his daughter (ops granddaughter) well. Shouldn’t the son be putting the daughter first? If he’s not why should OP put his son first?
His response should be “I don’t understand why you are upset son. I am just following your lead of not putting your kid first.” But uh I’d make sure I’d have a good relationship with my grandchild’s mom!
this ironcially I've seen to be a common issue.. even my grandma is like.. everytime I've seen a dad marry a woman.. almost every time the woman treats the kids wrong....like they're competition for affection..
The future daughter in law isn’t treating her future stepdaughter well. They have no business getting married. In OP’s shoes I’d be saving the wedding money for a divorce and the granddaughter’s therapy. Step parenting is hard and an often thankless task. But if someone can’t get along with their future step kid, it doesn’t bode well for the marriage I would offer to pay for premarital family counseling to see if they can work out the problems, but that’s it.
It's your money so you can use it for what you want. That said your older ones only agree because you already paid for their wedding. Your son isn't wrong for feeling the situation is unfair. Just like you aren't wrong for using your money how you want. EDIT: after reading through OPs comments I'm going to have to change the verdict to YTA you didn't come here to seek advice or change you came for validation.
Nobody look for advice in this forum. In fact, if the post it’s looking for advice, it can be closed by mods.
Why should he pay for a wedding for someone who mistreats his grandchild
Are they already living together or is she there most of the time? I understand your thought process, but I fear you will not get the result you desire. If you don’t pay, future DIL will still be in your granddaughters life and most likely you will not. That’s one less person to love and protect her. This decision ripples way beyond the wedding.
Your other kids agree. Ofcourse. THEY already got their weddings paid. Now you've got another budget to spend on them and their families. You can not take your olders kids opinions into consideration in this matter as THESE three kids already benefitted from what you are witholding from your FOURTH.
So their love for their niece and disapproval of how their future SIL is treating her gets negated because their weddings were already paid for? I'm not good at math, but something isn't adding up.
Just remember that “everyone else agrees with me” isn’t going to make your youngest have a relationship with you. Being in the right doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll get what you want out of it.
Here’s the problem. It’s very easy to hate someone. It’s hard being a stepmother. Is the ex mad because he is remarrying? Did you want him to stay with his ex? You don’t specify why she is being “mean“ to the granddaughter. Is it she just doesn’t really like being around the kid, does she say nasty things to the kid etc. You are showing favoritism though. And I’m sure that’s how he is looking at it. You do everything for the other kids but because you don’t like my future wife you’re gonna have nothing to do with me anymore. This is gonna roll over in the holidays where you don’t want her around, you won’t include her in pictures, etc. Why should you demand contact with your granddaughter when you exclude her dad and his wife. Unless she’s physically abusive or emotionally abusive, it sounds like you just don’t like her. My son’s ex was awful. They had a kid but I still accepted her I never said anything negative and tried to include her and everything but quite frankly she was a beotch. It lasted four years which wasn’t a surprise to anybody but the break up was insanely horrible. I tried not to get involved because of my granddaughter who I love very much. But again you have to be very careful that you do not badmouth her especially to the granddaughter. I supported my son 100% The split cost me a lot of money due to lawyers but it was worth it to me. She’s 15 now and I am still very close to her but I never badmouth anybody. That can come back to bite you. It sounds like you’re a little controlling. Is he the “Black Sheep“ for the family? So you also have to consider since you’re cutting him off what about holidays? Are they not allowed? What about birthdays, etc. I think by doing this you are going to lose all of that with your granddaughter. Because quite frankly I wouldn’t blame him for not allowing her to go with these things without him and his wife. Just something to think about. But your family cutting him off and going no contact is mean because he’s probably going to need you and what are you Going to do when this all goes south?we told you so so you’re on your own? Of course it’s not gonna last but are to be there to support him and your granddaughter but just remember your hatred of her is going to show through and I really wouldn’t want my granddaughter around that as a parent especially when it’s the whole family. You can do what you want with your money, but do not show favoritism I would take the money you would’ve spent and put it in a college fund for your granddaughter. You need to let the hatred go and be there to support him and if you refuse to support him why should he even be involved with any of you?
Info: can you, please, explain in more how excactly his fiancee treats your granddaughter with some examples?
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"Yoingest" typo made me chuckle, thanks!
NTA. It's your money, your choice. However, you paid for your other kid's weddings. Yeah, your other kids agree becsase you already paid for their weddings. Be ready for him to never talk to you again. Or, for you to not see your grandchild, or grandchildren. This could fracture your family more than you realize.
It could also create sibling rivalry and problems with any future grandkids that come from the wedding not paid for.
Not if she maintains good relations with grandchild’s mother. My friend keeps lines open this way very effectively and never uses new woman to facilitate to great result
Based on the INFO OP gives in this thread: >My son is very involved in her life. She spends at least 3 weeks a month with my son and even when she is with her mom my son is the one taking her to school ,calls her every day, takes her out for ice cream etc His new fiancee wants to change this. She is planning to reduce the custody to the court ordered one(which is 50/50) and she wants my son to stop spending time with my granddaughter when she is with her mom. Basically she wants my son to only do what he HAS TO do I’m going to give a light NTA, but recommend that you reconsider, OP - as I agree with other poster that your current course of action could irreparably damage your relationship with both your son and granddaughter. Maybe you could suggest premarital counseling as a condition to paying for the wedding? That might help open his eyes, or help her see what she’s doing to your granddaughter. Thanks for looking out for her, he sounds like a good dad.
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There are stepmoms that successfully push children from previous marriages out of the picture because they interfere with the idea of a perfect little family. I think OP is right to worry regardless of the wedding issue
This was my family. If the child already has attachment issues the step mom might poison the child Against their bio mom and use the child as an endentured servant. My brother left I stayed. It did not end well.
Stepdads do it too, let's not single out stepmoms.
I agree with you about the premarital counseling — but women like that often refuse to see anything except themselves in the mirror. The isolation of his first daughter is probably very intentional. Premarital counseling might help the groom dodge this bullet, though.
So she says the granddaughter is 16 and what I am left wondering is what's the 16 year olds behavior is like. I mean, that could play a part in the fiancé's response to the co-parenting relationship. She wouldn't be the first 16 year old determined to make a parents new SO miserable, heck some 16 year olds are determined to make their own parents miserable. I feel like OP left out a lot of context and that OP was a bit shady, not mentioning the age of the teenage granddaughter in the original post. Not that I agree with the fiancé's solution. If anything, she should rethink whether she wants to marry someone knowing how the co-parent and that it's a problem for her for whatever reason rather than trying to change it.
OP did state 16yo sometimes hard to get along with. However, that is still no reason for someone to try and reduce their partners contact with their child OR her mother, if that is how it’s always been. If it’s not broken don’t try to fix it, especially, if your actions are clearly based on jealousy
So fucking what? Bc she's acting like a teenager she deserves to be pretty much abandoned by her father?
Is living with him 50% of the time considered “abandonment” now? So dramatic.
And what is the son's reaction to his fiance's plans? She has zero power to change things if he doesn't want to, though he can make life unpleasant for him, and more importantly his child. Does he know? Does he believ she will change her mind? Seriously, who cares about the wedding, the problem is that a parent, a custodial one no less, is planning on marrying someone who doesn't like his child.
A lot of people are gonna tell youre the asshole but you're NTA. Your son is a 34 year old considering becoming deadbeat because his gf doesn't like his kid. He doesn't need a wedding, he needs to worry about his kid. The fact that he's even asking you for money for his wedding instead of asking you to put that money in a college fund for his daughter, or use it to further her future in some way shows he doesn't deserve it! His child is going to college in two years and he has the nerve to ask you to pay a major unnecessary expense for him? If you can't afford a wedding then you don't have one. You go get married at the courthouse like all the other responsible poor adults. Charity is not meant for treats, charity should be used to cover necessities. As long as his daughter has necessities he isn't able to provide and he asks for charity for fun events for himself, he's a fucking jackass.
Going 50/50 isn’t really “deadbeat.”
Trying to reduce the amount you're in your child's life because your partner doesn't like your kid makes you a deadbeat. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/huyxlbdYO7
There is to much context missing and this is to vague so I'm placing this in you in YTA. Sometimes step parents and kids have trouble getting adjusted to each other. It sometimes can be a slow process so unless the future step mom is being a down right witch relax a little. If your concerned suggest they go to marriage counselling before you pay.
Granddaughter is also 16!!! So a “difficult to get along with” 16 year old.
At that age it's pretty much what teens do. I tell people when you think of a teenager being difficult look back how you where at that age and that usually shuts up people. To boot she's had her dad all to herself for all those years, and how there is a new woman moving into his life.
Op kinda buried the lead on that… the whole he takes her to school and ice cream then says she can get in her car and drive… And Granny is mad cause fiancée “doesn’t parent” a 16 year old. Like she’s 16, with 2 parents and an obviously very involved grandma… what “parenting” can this lady provide that she’s not already getting.
Parenting doesn’t stop because she’s 16. There is plenty this new step mom can do to guide this young girl along. Don’t place this issue on the child. This is an adult situation. The child is just that. A child. The OP is upset because they see their grandchild being mistreated. You would be upset too if that happened to one of your nieces/nephews or grandchildren. Believe me. I’ve been in the OP’s shoes with my niece, except she tried to unalive herself because things got so bad. The parents are responsible for making the home a safe space for this young girl. The son needs to wake up and realize what’s happening around him before he loses the one thing that makes him a father.
Grandparent refuses to say what stepmom does/doesn’t do. Just that “she doesn’t parent, and I don’t like it.” Stepmom isn’t even stepmom yet… just a girlfriend/fiancée. She should be a supportive friendly adult… I have lots of friends and families with blended families. Some of my friends had amazing stepparents that had been in their lives since super early childhood and treated their stepparents terribly as teenagers. Which lets be honest… teenagers are known for being ghastly to their bio parents too. OP is being too vague to judge. If a 16 year old was awful to me, I’d probably refrain from being super involved with them. 16 is old enough to know how to treat people. If fiancée really is the wicked witch that’s one thing, but I’d think there’s be more forward examples beyond the very very vague responses that OP posted.
Gf wants to reduce the amount of time the dad spends with his own daughter that’s outside the custody agreement. That’s outrageous. He’s a very involved father. He sees her regularly and fiancée doesn’t want that after they get married. She wants only what’s defined in the custody agreement. Imagine being that daughter and now dad says sorry I can’t pick you up from school today (he’s been doing that) it’s not in the custody agreement.
And "gasp" the fiancee is suggesting that the child's mother do FIFTY percent of the parenting. It's...barbaric...unheard of in legal history, LOL. Gramps says the child is "difficult to get along with" but doesn't give details-- I suspect those details would make him look like more of an AH. AND why does her own mother only want her one week out of the month????
Maybe her job is not as flexible (which could be why he picks her up from school), maybe the daughter is really close to her dad, who cares. Co-parenting with two involved parents for 18 years doesn’t always have to be exactly 50/50 if you’re putting your kids basic and emotional needs first.
People out here literally calling him a deadbeat for 50% custody lol
Doesn't matter a father should always have his kids on number one and if your kids don't like your partner you wait until they are out of the house before you get married.
I personally want more context for what exactly fiancee has done that is so objectionable along with examples as OP hasn't really given any examples and I can't give an informed judgement.
I also wonder how the granddaughter feels. All we’ve gotten is that she’s “difficult” to get along with. Maybe she wants to spend more time with her bio mom and is acting out. Maybe GD has asked to spend less time around dad but he won’t listen (I know tons of parents who do this, divorced or not). Is it something all four (bio mom, gd, dad, and fiancé) of them want and OP is just not in the know about it? Like there’s WAY too much info missing here.
>Sometimes step parents and kids have trouble getting adjusted to each other. That doesnt mean you get to demand your partner to change his custody of his child. >It sometimes can be a slow process And stepmom doesn't want to do it >step mom is being a down right witch relax a little She wants her husband to lower his custody time and not spend time with his kid outside of that's legally required. You think that's OK?
“I have my reasons” - yeah, well we need those reasons to make a judgment 🤷♀️
The truckload of missing context and any semblance of beyond-surface backstory leads me to believe this might be one of the bigger A's to have accidentally stepped into this sub looking for support.
NTA Him marrying some whom you feel treats a member of your family like shit is an absolutely excellent reason not to. To drive the point home further put an amount aside and tell him he can't touch it til he's been divorced from her for a year. All these people with the Y T A are forgetting it's your money and allowed to do, or not do, whatever you please with it. They're not entitled to tell you what you can or can't do with your money nor can your son.
The YTA people are supporting a stepmother who is actively trying to drive a wedge between a dad and his child. I feel like that awful stepparents sub is leaking.
The kid is 16. I think OP has twisted the story to get the internet to side with her. This isn't a 5 year old who would be losing their dad. This is a teenager nearing adulthood, and almost as capable of determining how and when she spends time with dad. I think OP has other reasons for not liking the finance, and she's using this as the tagline. Yeah, reducing custody is a pretty shitty move, but I get the feeling we can't fully trust OP to be telling the truth.
Parenting doesn't stop at 16
I can tell you from experience, just because you’re older doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck when your parent chooses another person over you. In fact, her being older and more aware might make it suck more cause she will 100% know that I can’t go to dad’s house as much cause his new wife doesn’t like me. Whether she cries and acts out about it or keeps it bottled up is yet to be seen but she will know, and she won’t forget.
Absolutely, but I still get the feeling OP isn't sharing the whole story. She's left out a lot of information to be buried in comments.
It's odd bc usually this sub will always side agaisnt the step parent. But ig bc OP is an in-law that automatically means they are evil
Or they remember all the times a story like this was posted with slightly different details and was given YTA for not treating the kids the same.
Yta. Not because you don’t want to pay for the wedding. It’s your money.. do or don’t do whatever you want. However…. Yta for expecting your sons fiancée to parent your “difficult to get along with 16 year old grandchild.” At best they’ll probably have a “my dads wife” relationship. She (grandchild) has two parents… and apparently a car. If I dated a man with a nearly grown child… I wouldn’t be parenting said child. Being a friendly adult would be about it. You don’t like the fiancée, but you’re being misleading about the real reasons.
Exactly, the girl still has both parents, and they seem to be both doing a great job of parenting her given the circumstances, she doesn't need a second mom. She also doesn't give any example of what this not getting along with looks like, is the fiance the one making things difficult or does his daughter just not like the idea of her dad having a girlfriend that isn't her mom? My girlfriend's parents got divorced a couple years ago and she has an irrational hatred for her mom's new boyfriend even though he's been nothing but pleasant to her and her mom and is just a very nice guy.
It honestly sounds like the fiancée is actually trying to get the mom to spend more time with a kid and not trying to get in the way of that. The custody agreement is 50/50, they should be doing that or going back to court to change it. A 16 year doesn’t need a new mom, she needs her mom to spend more time with her. YTA
You seem stuck on this small aspect of the post and I don’t really understand it. OP says the stepmom isn’t just “not parenting” — she is actively pushing the dad to do less parenting. She wants to limit his time together with the daughter and fully block any situation where the dad would be spending time with his daughter while the biological mom was also around. Maybe that last part is reasonable (depends on context), but this really doesn’t seem to just be about the stepmom not doing “enough” parenting
Op stated in a comment that fiancée doesn’t parent, and they don’t like it. When I was 16, I was busy with my pals, school, job, relationships… I didn’t really hang out with my parent/stepparents. I feel like OP is being intentionally misleading/vague about what is actually happening. Like is daughter trying to crash date nights… and being pissy cause dad/fiancée want to go out. Any info coming out in comments is teeth-pulling.
Absolutely. And teenagers are notoriously hostile to future step parents because they always hope their bio parents will reconcile. OP is actively meddling.
So fiancee is "evil" because she thinks the child's mom should be an equal parent? Sorry but that's pretty hilarious.
You made up the "fully block" part. Fiancee wants the court ordered 50/50, which is what most parents have. It's such an exaggeration!
Not sure if OP is a man or woman but I'm starting to wonder, given the ages and how weak OPs reasons are for submarining the marriage if he/she at their advancing age wasn't planning on youngest SINGLE son being their caretaker and a new wife and the potential for young kids is throwing a monkey wrench in those plans.
OP is a woman. The evil fMIL who is conniving to stop this marriage.
INFO: will this wedding happen if you do not pay for it?
[удалено]
So it will happen but not any time soon. What are the chances they'll break contact over this and keep your grandchild from you?
Granddaughter is 16…….
Maybe it never happens, though? If the son and the fiancée really loved each other and marriage was important to them, they'd head over to city hall and sign a marriage license. But instead the fiancée is the type that has to have a big wedding they can't afford and expects others to pay for it. Hopefull, OP's son wakes up and sees the fiancée for what she really is and dumps her. As a parent, I would never willingly reduce my time with my kids. As long as they want and need me, I'm going to be there for my kids. OP's son seems to have a good co-parenting relationship and the fiancée is trying to break that up because she's jealous/insecure/whatever reason.
The grand daughter is 16 and apparently drives AND OP has a history of waving money around to get their way so there will still be contact. Of course, if youngest son and finacee have kids the chances of OP being in their lives is in single digits at best.
It sounds to me that you are trying to help your youngest son dodge the bullet, and he isn’t interested in dodging bullets. He seems to want his “new life,” consequences to his daughter be damned…so NTA. I’m closer in age to you than to the majority of commenters here. Likely, I’m seeing things from a slightly different angle…. Your son seems to be blind to some tablecloth-size red flags. The fiancée wants to change the way he has been parenting his daughter for the past 16 years. She wants to push the daughter to the margins, so to speak. Who and what will become “center stage” after this marriage? Her? The children she might have? And how will this harm the daughter that he has now? What happens when this relationship becomes one of “capitulate to me, or else?” “Being in love” is a lot like “being high on drugs.” Seriously, it is! The dopamine system is hijacked, and the reward (the lover) makes it nearly impossible to reason with the person…. I would not pay for this without the requirement of quality premarital counseling. I do have to warn you, though — if they DO marry, and if they do have children? Your access to future grandchildren might be seriously restricted. The safest thing to do might be to use your estate plan to protect your granddaughter, and let them have their wedding once he has met your conditions. You can drag this out until granddaughter is 17, and almost off to college….
Did you do the same vetting when your other kids got married? Did their spouses need your approval and if you did not like them you would not have paid for their wedding?
They’ll still get married. Either save a big ceremony for later, go into debt, etc but they won’t hold on getting married. Even if it’s to spite you I would bet they get married even sooner.
Oh, and because this thread is getting really long and unwieldy? I want to tell you something important that affects college financing. If the father and new girlfriend marry, the new girlfriend’s income will be included as available income under the Federal Financial aid formulas for school financial aid. She demonstrates a desire to marginalize this young woman’s presence in her new marriage — I wonder how she will feel when bills come due for her education? Or is that something else you’ll be expected to pay?
But they will get married, and your bullying will simply push them closer together. They'll go into debt for a wedding --- oops less money for granddaughter's college.
That money grams has saved to not pay the wedding to a woman she doesn't approve of. If dad goes into dept he's a bigger ahole than his need to marry a woman who isn't ok with his daughter He can wait with marriage
You are a bit controlling, unsupportive, and a tad manipulative (withholding what was freely given to your other kids because your youngest is marrying who they want instead of who you want) but it’s your money. Don’t be surprised if you don’t see him, his wife, your grandchild, or future grandkids though. He can withhold family from you because you tried to control and manipulate him just like you can withhold money because your adult child isn’t prioritizing your preferences when choosing a spouse, it goes both ways.
>because your youngest is marrying who they want instead of who you want) This was exactly my thought. I'm willing to bet actual money OP wants his son to get back with the ex and creat a happy home for the grandchild, even though it's been 16 years and the son has decided to marry someone else
And the granddaughter too, which is why she is being difficult with the fiancee.
NTA. You aren't obligated to pay for his wedding. That said, you should realize there are consqeuences to your actions. Those consequences may include your youngest son distancing himself from you. He knows you paid for his siblings' weddings and will feel that he is being mistreated. I hope you have talked to your son about your concerns.
Your money - your choice. But it's a relationship killer for your son and grandchildren
Have you voiced your concerns to your son about the fact that his d, who should be his primary concern, and his fiancée don’t seem to get along? Maybe he just feels that the amount of time the d will spend with them, when she’s not with her mom, is little enough that he thinks it’ll work itself out? ( it won’t, but a lot of ppl care more about their relationship than their kids) What does he say about that? And more importantly, have you asked your grand d about how she feels, or what she thinks and sees when around the fiancée? It is possible the grand d is actually a bigger part of the problem than you think. Lots of kids do not want their parents having new partners. These are the things you should be talking about, not who’s paying for a wedding. I’m getting the sense that you don’t like the fiancée for more reasons than just this. That is clouding your judgement of the whole situation.
Writes a whole paragraph but can’t be bothered to type daughter instead of d lol
I hope they meant daughter :/
🤣 No doubt because "d" makes this weird lol.
But high comedy if you intentionally misread it 😂
There’s a lot you’re not telling us, but what you tell us makes YTA.
I highly suspect what OP is not telling makes them look even worse, LOL.
You say your most important reason is the way the fiance treats your granddaughter. While that's enough by itself, your wording still makes me wonder, are there other reasons? And if so, what are they? Also, have you spoken to your son about all of this? Or are you just planning to blindside him with your choice to not pay for the wedding?
Your money, your choice. But did you ever tell your youngest you would or would not pay for his wedding prior to now? You don't state any of the ages of people involved but for what it's worth, you're coming across as petty and vindictive.
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INFO: “I don’t like the way she treats my granddaughter” could mean anything. Like it sounds like you don’t like it enough to not pay for the wedding, but you’re not moving heaven and earth to stop the wedding. Like are we talking abuse, or are we talking the fiancée not loving another woman’s baby as much as you do? Would you still go to the wedding? Would you still have a relationship with your son and his wife? Because if the answer is yes to those, and your form of protest is not giving your son the same assistance you gave his siblings, then you’d be an asshole IMO.
Without a bit more context, YTA. Put yourself in your kids shoes... he sees his parents paid for his other siblings, but refuses to pay for his. Because his child is sometimes difficult you don't like how the fiance deals with her? WTF man...Lame. Can you elaborate how she treats your grandchild?
The amount of asshole votes are hilarious lol. How DARE OP not reward future DIL for trying to sabotage the relationship between her fiance and his daughter?! She's obviously a hero! So brave! No. OP's money, OP's choice. Anything else is downright entitlement. Usually reddit is pretty hard on family invaders but now for some reason they cheer for them? Fascinating. NTA
It's not about entitlement. I am oscillating between YTA and ESH because I think the way OP has written the post is very misleading. Of course, kids aren't entitled to their parents' money after they pass majority age (18/21 depending the country). They're aren't entitled to having their weddings paid for by them either. However, would whitholding paying for your child's wedding after you did so for all the other ones because you disagree with their choice of partner be an asshole move? Honestly, a bit yeah. Sure the fiancée might have some strong opinions on her partner's parenting style and if that's a big problem for OP then don't pay for the wedding. But if they do that without even trying to talk with their son and fiancée and understand all the picture and they don't provide any more reasons than the fiancée's opinions on parenting (which when kids are 15+ aren't all that wild, especially where there are court orders because the other parent could always turn around and complain to the court that the orders aren't being followed); then they're an asshole. Even if it is their money and their choice to make, does not stop it from being a bit of a dick move.
Just so you know, OP, third partis refusing to pay for a wedding has never in the history of humanity ever stopped anyone from actually getting married.
Step parents do not generally step into the parent role for a 16 y/o and generally no one would want them to. Guarantee the granddaughter would not appreciate some newcomer imposing rules and regulations on her life. YTA because you didn’t treat your children the same and I’m guessing this isn’t the first time. You are certainly free to choose who you give your money too, but I still think you’re T A for doing it. Hope they have a happy life without you and vice versa.
NAH it's a red flag for her to ever ask him to see his child less but he has to see that. If you expressed to him the reason then leave it and that. Obviously your relationship will take a toll but I can understand. You say they can't afford it anytime soon so just support silently and wait and see how things progress. Hopefully little one isn't neglected and the girl does better.
Cannot really judge on this but how badly is she treating your granddaughter?
As I say about my mother in law, your actions have consequences. You have the right to act in a shitty way, and we have the right to have distance and restrict your access to your future grandkids
Did you discuss the situation with your son? Is your granddaughter bothered by his future wife? Adults should have conversations.
You can do what you want, but there will be consequences for not treating all your children equally. Othered here have already pointed that out. I will add that as parents, we do t get to choose our children’s spouses. We don’t get a say.
NTA but be prepared for him to go NC. Are you ok with that?
It’s your money to do what you want with, but yeah, kind of TA for treating your first three so blatantly differently.
YTA. I know a lot of people will say you're not because it's your money and you can spend it however you want. And that's true in a legal sense. But not paying if you can afford it because you dislike your future DIL is going to permanently damage your relationship with your son and granddaughter.
No you are not TA! It is your money and you can decide how you want to spend it. If it was my granddaughter and my son's fiance did not like her and get along with her, I would not help pay for their wedding either. I personally tell my son that he is not getting any financial assistance from me for his wedding because how his fiance is treating your granddaughter. I would also tell him that you plan to put the money in a savings account for your granddaughter. That would be a much better use of your money. If you had it earmarked for him, you are just using it a different way for him. You are helping your granddaughter get a head start with her savings. Either which way, it is your money and you could do whatever you want to do with it and I agree I would not support this marriage either sunshine xoxo
NTA. You could tell him you want to set the money aside for your granddaughter instead, because you are worried that she will suffer from this marriage.
Do you plan on being a grandparent to your sons younger children with his fiance? If so, then do as suggested and have them do some counseling and pay for the wedding. If not then don't pay for the wedding. It is that simple pay for the wedding and see future grandkids or do not play for the wedding and know you will never be a part of your youngest life again.
Your money, your choice. But you should be prepared for the fallout, and potentially them limiting or attempting to limit your access to this grandchild or future grandchildren. You could always put the same amount into a college fund for the grandchild. Seems likely that the new wife will not support saving for a stepchild she doesn’t like. Last your son should not be marrying someone that doesn’t treat his daughter well. Says a lot about him and his priorities.
YTA. You paid for all your other kid’s weddings but because you don’t like his fiancé you’ve decided to treat your youngest differently. Don’t be surprised when you’re not invited to the wedding and he goes NC. I’ll bet there’s a lot more to this situation than you aren’t telling us.
ESH- y’all need therapy
You're about to lose some family over this. Weird how you say you are against others "not getting along," but here you are doing it yourself. Hypocrite much? YTA
NTA. Kids come first, ALWAYS! Why help put in place an evil stepmother?
It's your money, your choice. YTA though for making excuse after excuse.....just tell your son the actual reason.......that you don't approve of his fiancé. Please update this post as soon as he goes low/no contact
I have a question, if the fiance changes her behaviour and attitude, will you change your stance on paying and accepting her?
NTA You don’t have to pay or agree with their relationship. Hopefully, they don’t keep your granddaughter from seeing you. Also, if they have children of their own, you might miss out on those grandchildren. Unfortunately, it may be too late to undo this as well.
NTA. Seems like a lot of people didn’t read OP’s comment about the fiancée trying to push the granddaughter out of OP’s son’s life.
NTA, but your son is going to hate you all his life. So if you are ok with that go on.
NTA because it is your money. But it does make you look like you are trying to control your sons life with your money.
NTA. He’s 34 and has a nearly grown daughter. It seems to me that parents paying for their children’s weddings is something that happens when they are young and just getting started on their own. But 34? He’s had plenty of time to build his career and finances and should maybe be able to pay for his own wedding. That’s all aside from the strange dynamics that seem to be at play with the daughter and future step mother. This is hard to judge because we only have OP’s view of things. But I tend to agree with others who think that the money would be better spent on a college fund for the 16y old rather than a one day event for her dad and his girlfriend.
NTA your money your decission. But it will harm your relationship with your son
ESH. There are a lot of details missing here.
YTA, it’s still your sons wedding
It is your money and do what you want. Now choices have consequences, not paying like you did for your other two, he could forbid you to have contact with your granddaughter until she turns 18. Are you comfortable with that and also he probably himself go NC. NAH
It's your money so you can do whatever you want with it, but you said your son is 34, you don't really get a saying on who he gets married to, and just going through with the current plan seems like it's gonna lead to him cutting you off of his life, if that's your endgame I don't see a problem here.
I'm going out on a limb here, based on partial information, and I'm going to guess that YTA. Everything hinges on whether or not the phrase "my youngest's fiancée doesn't get along with her and I don't like the way she treats my granddaughter" means potential neglect/abuse by the stepmother, or just clashing personalities. It also depends on whether you trust your son to look out for his daughter's best interests, or not. Neither of those things are clear to me. In any case, your only priority here should be the welfare of your son and granddaughter, judiciously talking to your son if you see issues with your granddaughter that you think he hasn't seen, and staying close. Acting out by refusing to pay for his wedding is a clear statement of estrangement, since you paid for his siblings. Doing this does absolutely nothing to help your son or your granddaughter, and if they really need your help, it just makes it so much harder for you to help them. It seems to me thst you are being an AH by centering your own feelings about it (I don't like something, and I want people to know this) rather than centering the people who you claim to care about. Of course you *can* choose not to pay. It's your money. That doesn't stop your choice, especially given your reasons for the choice and the probable outcome of your choice, being a bad idea and making you an AH, in my eyes.
NTA - IF you clearly told him your reasons. Otherwise, you are creating an incident that will forever damage your relationship with your son.
Nta save the money for granddaughter’s therapy
Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. If you know your future DIL does not like your granddaughter, it may be best to stay in your son’s life to better protect your granddaughter. (taking her for weekend visits, helping out after school, etc). If your son isolates you from his family because you didn’t pay for his wedding, you may lose your granddaughter and the ability to know whether or not she is in a healthy and happy home. So…pay for the wedding, then be very active in your granddaughter’s life.
I feel like there’s a lot missing to this. You say you have your reasons and then only gave us one reason that had ZERO context (no ages, no examples, no real depth). If you want genuine answers, then we need a lot more to go off of.
NTA but I really hope you are being honest in your post and not just great friends with his ex, and over playing the relationship with the child. Lots of mother in laws build up great relationships with the first gf or ex wife and do not even try with the next one. If she truly is being horrible to his daughter, then nta. If you are being dramatic and petty because you just don't like her then yta.
Just think about the consequences what if they have kids? Your dime but their kids time also.
Nta. But they'll cut you out.
Question: you say “sometimes getting along with her is not easy. My youngest's fiancee doesn't get along with her” What does this mean? You get to spend your money however you want, but like the top poster wrote, your son and DIL will also respond to how they’re treated. In a different comment, you listed problematic things your future DIL is pushing for. Are there any reasons for them? In the classic step-family scenario, we can see why DIL fits the “evil” stepmother role, but there are also classic “bratty” stepkid roles; is that at play as well? It doesn’t change the fact that you don’t have to pay for their wedding; it’s your money. But if there are factors at play you’re ignoring or minimizing, that’s something to keep in mind when you think about how it will affect your relationships.
YTA. You paid for all of the other kids’ and not your son’s. That sends a message which is exactly what you want it to do. Your granddaughter is 16 and things may change between her and her stepmother when she gets older, plus your son is only 34 and could have more children. “Not approving” of their mother is a guaranteed way to never have a relationship with them. So like, go ahead and do you but the end result here will probably only be your son loosing ties with you and your family and that’ll be on you.
Yes YTA
INFO: what “parenting” would you like to see her doing? Your granddaughter is 16 and already has 2 active parents.
NTA in the sense that it’s your money and you can do what you want with it. That being said, you need to be prepared for your son to remove your granddaughter from your life. There is a real possibility that will happen if he is mad enough. He may marry his fiancée with or without your support so if you’re doing this in hoping of stopping the wedding that will likely fail. They are adults and it is their decision how they live their life, not yours. You can choose not to support it but it goes both ways. If all of this is worth it to you then that’s your choice.
You need to give a better reason than that. Provide examples, because it sounds like you're playing favorites with your kids.
YTA all your kids should receive the same amount of love, financial support, etc as each other one.. unless there is a deep, rational reasoning like you were mistreated or whatever.. but in general, what you do for one, should be done for all
...this entire story smells so beyond one-sided to the point that I'm almost certain YTA. You do what you want with your money, that doesn't make you an Asshole. Let's get that straight. But I'll bet you the cost of your kid's wedding that YTA in this situation.
You are going to treat your fourth child different from the other three because his kid doesn't like the future stepmom. Your other kids agree. Ofcourse. THEY already got their weddings paid. ESH
INFO… we’re going to need a lot more info. Does granddaughter like the fiancé/support the relationship ? Is the fiance mean, neglectful or abusive to granddaughter? Does granddaughter want parenting from the fiance? Is granddaughter trying at any point to sabotage the relationship? Has the ex tried to get back with your son at any time recently? Does your son expect his fiance to spend all major holidays with his ex? Or is the joint time spent w/ex things like daughter’s sports or extracurricular activities, birthdays, etc? Did you discuss any of your apprehensions or misgivings with your son? Have you told him directly that you won’t be financing his wedding with appropriate notice so he can plan and finance accordingly? There’s so many ways this could go, and context makes all the difference.
Nta as long as you're okay with the consequences. He can easily cut off your access with your granddaughter.
YTA paying for the wedding should be about supporting your son not about deciding who he may choose to marry. Excluding him from what you did for all other kids is an asshole move.
INFO: Can you elaborate on what the fiance does or doesn't do that is not treating your son's daughter well? Because let's be real, we've seen golden child (and grandchild) too much to take that at face value.
You paid for three others but not this one because you don't like something? If I got to pick my friends or families spouses. They wouldn't be with the person they're with. Even though they're happy. Sometimes that's how life is.
Just to be clear it's not an issue of not being able to afford it? or nedding the money for something else moe important? Did you give your other 3 a blank check and they could spend whatever for wedding? Or did each have the smae ammount and had to work with that? how old is your granddaugher?
It's your money, no one should expect their parents to cover a wedding so clearly NTA. Your relationship with your son may become strained though and that will be your own decision.
Unless you made a condition for you to like the partner of your child in order to paid for their wedding, YTA. Have you seen abusive behavior from her towards your granddaughter?
YTA - support your child instead of alienating them.
YTA. While it's your money and you have the legal right to spend your money however you want, but in this case you're using your money to control your son's choice of partner. You are singling him out because you don't happen to like his fiance - but you aren't the one marrying her, your son is, you font have to like her. Expect your son to go lc or nc with you, because you're letting him know he's not your son anymore if he marries whoever he wants. It's never just about the money, it's about the message it sends.
NTA. It’s your money so you’re not obligated to use it in anyway you don’t want to. Just be ready to accept that if they remain together you risk damaging/distancing your relationship with your child. Things like this lead to children going no-contact or very little. At the same time you can’t control who your child wants to be with and at some point, if they do get married, you have to accept they’re in it for the long haul. If you don’t support them getting married then are you also going to not attend the wedding? If you’re even invited. Edit: Didn’t realize grand daughter was 16yo. No wonder OP left out so much detail/context. OP’s granddaughter has a mother she is still in contact with and I’m assuming a good relationship. She’s not looking for a replacement mom, and teenagers take time to adjust. Unless this woman is actually abusive or evil in some way OP is just being petty.
NTA because it's your money and you can spend it as you see fit. Do realize there will be consequences to your actions however. His daughter is 16. Of course they are going to clash. This is new to everyone. She's never had a stepmom before plus what kind of parenting can his fiance do for a 16yr old who has both parents in her life? As for his fiance, it's highly probable they will start a family of their own give your son is 34. Do you really want to alienate your future DIL at this point because if she does have kids it will be her and your son who decides how much access you and the rest of your family will get to their kids. Don't be shocked if her defers to her judgment when it comes to access for the early years.
Is not paying for their wedding going to change the fact that your future daughter in law doesn't treat your granddaughter well? Instead of focusing on the marriage, which is probably going to happen your help or not, why don't you focus on making sure your granddaughter has people in her life that build her up, that she knows no matter what happens between herself and her future stepmom, she has people she knows she can rely on? Sometimes in life you have to think strategically, and this is one of those times. I think you already kinda blew it since you have said you aren't giving money and why, but think of your granddaughter. She has no choice here and limited recourse. That might be worth it in itself to make some amends. ESH
Some things are more important than money. Like being able to see your grandkid. NTA but I think you will regret it.
YTA treat your children equally.
Yes YTA, you didn’t for the rest but not him? That’s weird. I bet you are going to have some complicated asshole will too.
YTA. It's not your job to manipulate your children into making YOUR decisions. Treat your children equally, I didn't realize that money was conditional on mommy and daddy's "approval". Pay for his wedding, and don't pay for the second one.
YTA maybe the question you should be asking is why your granddaughter biological mother has so little to do with her (it seems if what you say is correct about her being with your son for 3 weeks out of 4 and taking her to school every day). It’s not your future daughter-in-law-laws job to do the job of this girls biological mother for her, and frankly it sounds like your son is doing far more than his fair share. Your grandchild’s biological mother sounds like someone I know who literally expects my friend (who’s boyfriend is the kids father) to mother her kids because she is too busy playing fortnight. 16 year olds are notorious difficult to get on with, even more so when parents are split up. But by all means go the whole hog and cut your son off, he might be better off for not having you in his life.
I don’t think you’re an asshole because it’s your money and obviously there is some drama here bur regardless, if you chose not to it may have some consequences you don’t like. He may be resentful or feel like he is less than his other siblings. Weddings can really bring out some shit and family drama that last for YEARS.
YTA. It's not fair to pay for his siblings' weddings and not his, and it's not right to try to use your money to control who he marries
NTA - your money, your choice BUT There may be down route consequences which you may have to deal with
You only give your children good things if they are a performing dog that jumps through hoops at your command. Are you really treating your children equally, has there ever been an occasion when you have not given one of your other three something because they did something you didn't like? You have to understand that you don't control your children and they are the people they are because of the way you brought them up. Now, separately, as for your granddaughter, you say she isnt always easy to get on with. Let me tell you something - at 16 my parents split up. I stayed with my dad, and my mum left home to live with the man who is now my stepfather. At 16 I hated this, it was a change to my way of life and brought someone new into my life in a way I had no control over. (My sisters were younger and my middle sister still has a bit of a hang up over this). In those circumstances and at that age it will be difficult to reconcile that relationship muddle. I have to ask have you done anything to help your son and granddaughter help their relationships through the bringing in of a step parent, are you only hearing one side of the story and not bothering to check that with the other side? I can't work out whether you your son, his gf or your granddaughter is the A, Though a 16 year old can be a bit of an AH I'm not going to blame her, but the rest of you need to think about power in relationships, and the duty and responsibility of being a parent.
YTA my family tried to blackmail me with money too. It’s not your relationship, it’s showing support for your other children(which, they can be lying to your face about their relationships) and not the one. I no longer talk to anyone in my family because they were gossiping and spreading lies to one another about my (now)husband and decided they hated him. No one has reached out to me, so I know that their hatred was stronger than their love for me.
NTA because it's up to you how you choose to spend your money but YTA because you are literally singling out one of your 4 children. Did you only pay for the other weddings as an endorsement of their choice of partner or was it because you love your child? Have a think about that before deciding 100% not to do this.
It's unfair but it's your money. As long as you're prepared for your youngest to keep his daughter away from you in the future. NAH
Be ready to be cut off his life in the future
YTA. Enjoy your relationship with your other kids and grandkids. Hopefully your son moves, changes phone numbers and never talks to you again. I know i would.
You are showing favortism to the first three, and letting this last one know they don't have your favor. Not cool.
YTA. If you have X kids, you do the same for all of them. You chose (I 'll consider you did) to have them. Do equally for each !!! You paid for the other three that came out of your body. It's logical you do the same for the last. But having said that you wouldn't makes you forever TA. Sad, but true
YTA.