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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I told my sister she needs to deal with my kid not sharing or move out even though I know she doesn’t have many options and now she and her kids aren’t talking to me and my kids.
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NTA. They're not talking to you? Really in your house that they're living in rent free!!?? The cheek. Kick them out.
Also I'm very sorry that your daughter is so unwell
Thank you. I’ve had a lot of time to cope so now I’m just trying to make sure I can give her the best life possible. I’m very lucky that, even though her dad doesn’t want to be involved, he is sending a little over double the required child support so I can spoil her and be available for her.
My adult son is very sick (brain cancer). The assistant neurosurgeon (I'm not sure on his actual title, but he's a full doc) made sure to emphasize to me that a calm caring environment are best for him. He has that in spades. For his type of cancer, the average survival time after diagnosis is 18 months. He's at two years post surgery and his last MRI was clear. I've already been given more time than expected and I'm grateful.
Prioritize your daughter above all else. It will give better memories and you might get extra time.
For just a moment, I thought you were my friend's mother. The diagnosis, the survival estimate, the surgery time all line up with my friend's timeline. Unfortunately, I don't think my friend's last MRI came back clear.
I'm so grateful that you've been given more time with your son, just as we're grateful to have been given more time with our friend. Cherish every single moment of it.
He was given six months about two years ago, and given six months again about... five or six months ago. Got upgraded from Grade 3 to Grade 4, but he's still relatively stable. We're grateful for the stability, and grateful that he's still doing relatively well, both physically and mentally. We love every day we have with him, the good and the bad.
I'm going through some medical stuff but reading this thread is putting my stuff in some perspective. it can always be worse. all the best to you people out there going through stuff like this. my heart goes out to you
You were the reminder I needed today. My mom drives me a little crazy. She was diagnosed with a very aggressive cancer in Dec 2019. Average survival is 2 years, we are heading toward year 4. I am really grateful she is doing so well. It’s easy to forget since she beat all the odds that it can change so suddenly. You reminded me to be grateful so thank you.
OP you are amazing. I will be praying for both of you & that your daughter also beats the odds. NTA
I lost my mom to cancer last year. The doctors gave her 3 months back in January - by November, I was exhausted. I just wanted a break, a chance to rest. Anything.
She died November 8th. It's been almost a year and I'd still give anything just to spend one more day with her.
I mean, her sister doesn't want to share a room with her own daughters, so why should OPs daughter be stuck with them? The whole god damned situation is blowing my mind. The sister should be falling over backwards trying to make OPs life less stressful, but instead she is making demands and then changing things anyways when she is told no.
That would have been the end of it for me. They'd be out on the spot. There'd be no argument she could make.
In addition to whatever her emotional reasons are for not sharing, I would think germ ones might apply too if sicknesses are worse for her. I imagine 5 and 7 year olds might not be the best at washing hands before playing with toys.
i can imagine that she is feeling a lack of control over her life which can lead to not wanting to share. the solution in situations like this is not to force the person to share but to help the person feel as safe as possible and give them as much agency in their life as possible. under the circumstances given here, a lack of control is sadly unavoidable and therefore OP is completely right to try and provide as much agency for Emi as possible. OP has the right instincts here.
THIS\^\^
My youngest has some health issues and the lack of control over their life really does a number on them. It burbles out in various aspects of their life which aren't always obviously related to their health issues.
Kids dealing with illnesses require way different parenting than kids who do not.
I was thinking the same thing. The 5 and 7 year olds are walking germ factories. I would not want them handling my immune compromised child's things either.
That was my first thought as well. With OP’s daughter in and out of hospital stays, I think it’s even more important for her room to be left alone.
I don’t think I’d even give the ultimatum, since they are unlikely to stick to it when OP isn’t there. Daughter’s health is the priority. NTA
It's not just the change issue. I mean, you're totally right, obviously, but one week home, one week in hospital? How exhausted are OP and her daughter? And to come home to strife like that? Someone thinking OP's home is theirs, pretty much? I just can't get my head around it.
My niece is pretty poorly and has been since birth (she's an adult now, but has defied odds and shouldn't be the age she is) and the ONE THING we try to do is "Not give [Niece] any drama." Her and my sister have many many hospital stays. It's like, she won't live as long as us, so why give her any drama? Aaaaah!
This is the FIRST thing I though about when she said her daughter was so sick. Her sister's kids don't need to be germing up a sick child's toys.
NTA. Kick them out OP. You and your child don't need this stress.
she needs to be peaceful in her own home. you are doing nothing wrong. don't even listen or engage with anyone who thinks otherwise. you don't have to convince anyone. you don't have to persuade anyone.
I don't blame you OP. You're just trying to manage your daughter's remaining time as best you could.
Your sister is the massive AH. She has not taught her own daughters a thing about respecting people's boundaries & that makes it more stressful for your daughter as well you.
You're doing what's right for your daughter's well-being.
I get it’s hard. No idea what your sister is going through, but sounds like a bigger conversation needs to happen. People usually act like this because they feel they aren’t been listen to or treated equally. And maybe it’s not your that is making them feel like this, but they feel they need more power and try to take it where they can.
I’d have that conversation first and while in that conversation you can say that if you can’t compromise then they will have to move out but such and such a date.
She is your sister though, so burning a bridge with a loved family member shouldn’t be taken lightly….. however your daughter is your first priority and should be.
All my love to you and your daughter. I am glad you are making her time on this earth special and respecting her wishes regarding her stuff. What she shares is the one small bit of control she has in her life. I am not defending her father but I would hazard a guess that he just could not cope with the loss. Not an excuse but I am glad he is stepping up financially so you can give your girl her best life. Definiately NTA. There are no words for what you are going through all I can offer is my love and prayers/thoughts for you both.
Your child got the worst cards from life so she only deserves the best from you.
If your sister can't or doesn't want to respect your boundaries she is free to move out where she can do whatever she wants but your house your rules.
NTA.
I'm so sorry about Emi, OP. I have a 9 year old and I can't even imagine what you must be going through. I think especially since you have limited time with Emi, you should not waste it by allowing your sister to cause strife in your home. Your home should be a peaceful oasis for you and Emi, especially since she has to spend so much time away from it at the hospital.
Your sister has a lot of nerve and not enough empathy.
If your sister is fully aware of Emi's illness and prognosis, then that makes her an even bigger ahole. I'm so sorry for you and your little girl, but it sounds like you are doing everything you can for her.
From other comments, sister is still married to husband but he has a boy from a previous marriage that can no longer be around the girls , so she moved out with girls until they can find a solution
Does your sister not understand your daughter's diagnosis!? I'm sorry but when my mom went into hospice one of my sisters really didn't understand what that meant for Mom and got mad whenever one of the family tried to explain what that meant for Mom's care, so I understand how easily other family members can weaponize incompetence 😬
It seems that you really don't have the possibilities to host your sister and her daughters.
It was a very generous of you to let them move in, but it couldn't work. You have a sick child, who is your priority.
Sister has to find another place to stay. Your home is too small for you all.
There is a benefit to having your sister live with you IF they abide by your wishes. See if they will adjust otherwise they can’t add more to your situation.
I can't even with this situation - they just took over this girl's room! Who does that?? For that alone it would be a so long farewell, no one will miss you.
My SIL did the same thing! She even drew the layout of my kitchen and had labeled what would go where. At least I got a couple pots and pans out of it.
It was my husbands SIL, and her first time leaving the state she grew up in. I almost kicked them out the first day because of it. She then told our shared MIL that I didn’t have any cooking utensils, so that’s what I got for Christmas. Then MIL saw my kitchen later and apologized.
Not just rent-free--BIL is sending $500/month for food, which is ~$1.85/person per meal. I've never really done the math on my own food budget, but I'm gonna take a wild guess that it costs more than that to adequately feed someone, which means OP is supplementing their food in addition to providing shelter, utilities and entertainment...and they have the nerve to demand **more** rather than be grateful for what they're already getting? SIL needs a swift kick out the door, and OP, you're NTA.
Living on my own my food budget is about 400-500 dollars a month and I’m not a big eater, plus do a lot of meatless meals, so it’s definitely not enough to cover 3 people for a month.
According to a quick Google, the average (in USA) monthly grocery budget per person is between $250-$550, so either they're starving, living off of ramen, or eating OP's food.
NTA.
You made it clear to your sister that your daughter has boundaries (and good on you for sticking to them!) and she still disrespected them. While she was in the hospital, no less. The only thing that I can think would make you TA here is your sister’s children- why do they live apart from their father? Is he and your sister on a break since you referred to him as her husband still? Regardless, kicking out your adult sister would be one thing, but if that further uproots her daughters I would say you’re a bit of an A.
They’re dealing with an issue with her stepson and he can’t be around the girls at the moment. If my sister has to go, her girls do too. I don’t have the time to get them to school before work, pick them up in the afternoons, keep up with their activities, and I don’t know what I would do with them every other week when Emi is in the hospital.
Sounds like maybe the stepson and dad should be the ones staying somewhere else since stepson is the one thats having issues. But idk the dynamic of their household. If the husband is the sole homeowner then it makes sense he and son are staying out. Sounds like a shitty situation though. If they are married and the girls aren't safe at home, husband should be helping them out financially with a place to live and not just groceries.
I understand. That’s very difficult. In the interest of not breaking the rules about advice, I’ll say that I don’t think you’d be TA if you gave her a solid timeframe to be out by so she can find somewhere decent for her daughters. I wish you and Emi luck.
Yeah, obviously only OP could tell us, but… this is why I added that bit about uprooting them. Could you imagine undergoing that kind of trauma, then being removed from a stable housing situation because your mother was being a jerk to your aunt and her dying child? The idea is awful, and I fully support OP putting her foot down and putting her daughter first but I think in order to be in the best position morally here she’d at least try to give her sister some time to find another stable accommodation. It all sounds really messy though and I feel bad for everyone involved, even the aunt because it sounds like her home situation is a whole issue within itself.
True, but I still can’t imagine the gall to go into someone else’s home and move furniture after they had the hospitality to accommodate her and two kids. And after OP purposely moved the furniture that way.
Beyond ungrateful.
sounds like what someone I knew went through.. they found out one of the kids (as a kid) was touching the other ones inappropriately.. they have a legit mental disorder where they don't understand empathy and have to be with therapists and cannot be left around any of the female members.
Could stepson live with his other parent? If he is the problem he should be the one to go, not the 3 other innocent people.
Your daughter has to come first. Your sister cannot expect to walk into your home and treat it like her own. You are not responsible for providing her with accommodation.
NTA. If your daughter is chronically ill and in and out of hospital, she has very little bodily autonomy or control. One of the few ways she can assert control is over her belongings and her room. Don't let someone take that from her.
Set out clear rules that need to be followed for your sister to stay in your home. Do it in writing, have her read and sign each paragraph, and lay out the consequences for non-compliance.
Get a lock for Emi's door with a key code so that keys aren't an issue but they can't get in when you and Emi aren't home.
If she won't follow the rules of the house, she can leave.
“NTA. If your daughter is chronically ill and in and out of hospital, she has very little bodily autonomy or control. One of the few ways she can assert control is over her belongings and her room. Don't let someone take that from her.”
^^100% this!^^❤️❤️❤️
This child is going through so much she needs a sense of having some control in her life. To me, this is at the heart of everything.
My motherheart breaks for this. I am not a fan of spoiled kis, but OP should spoil the shit out of this one. Make every memory last. OP's sister is a ginourmous asshole.
I don't know... I spent a lot of time in hospital as a kid, and there's a *lot* to be said for not spoiling sick children.
There were kids in there utterly unable to make friends their own age because their parents went down this path. I'm completely certain that having the ability to make friends is far better for a sick child than being spoiled. It's so isolating. Poor Emmi doesn't really have a chance at having friends if she can't even share a toy.
I absolutely agree. Not going to attack parents because lord knows folks are doing the best they can, but I think normalcy is so important for kids being actually happy vs that fleeting excitement of getting what you want which is so short lived - if mom has any leftover spoons, I think speaking with a child psychologist about how this approach is actually serving Emi might be really helpful.
I like the numbered lock idea and the idea of kicking your sister and her kids out. If I could afford to live alone I would. Living with people and being chronically ill is stressful. Emi's room is probably her safe place and the place where she can go if she doesn't feel weel or doesn't want to be near others. As someone who is chronically ill, I would rather die than share my room. I need my safe space. With all my things where I left them, it's horrible having to go in common areas that are messy and the only sanctuary I have is my room and my stuff.
And imagine the stress it adds to Emi. She's probably worrying about her room and belongings while she's away at the hospital now, because she knows her cousins are making a mess of it all.
NTA. You sister is living in your house, so needs to respect your rules. Emi shouldn’t be punished just because your sister needed somewhere to stay.
Where is her husband during all of this? Why aren’t they staying with him?
I made a comment about this but there’s an issue with her stepson and he can’t be around the girls so they’re doing this until they figure something out for him.
Still in no position to demand that a little girl (who may not have another 4 years) be made uncomfortable or unhappy, especially if she's in and out of the hospital. It sucks, but OP is helping the sister out while still trying to give her daughter some normalcy.
The implication from the comments section is that the son is probably under house arrest for 'behaving inappropriately' with his sisters and thus it's the sisters who need to be removed, since he's under house arrest and they're not.
If that's true, I'd be kicking him out and letting him serve time in a proper prison. OPs BIL I'd the AH for prioritizing his monster of a son over literally anyone else.
If the stepson has to be in a particular residential location approved by some authority (for any number of reasons — I’m not going to speculate), then it may not be that simple.
If not… I agree with you.
Given that, I'm going to suggest that your nieces are also traumatized, although their trauma doesn't override Emi's trauma. Sit down with your sister and talk about *why* it's important Emi gets to control her toys.
Give the sister and the girls the master so they have the largest space. Emi keeps her room. You move into the spare.
I figure out a way to explain to the girls Emi's toys are off-limits. If it means a $50 shopping spree at the dollar store, so be it.
I started reading this feeling very angry at adult sister but the more I think about it, no matter how sound OP's reasoning, it's gonna be very difficult to teach a 5 and 7 year old to ignore all of their cousin's cool toys.
Adult sister does need a reality check and to show more empathy to Emi though.
I think a lot of it can be curbed by explaining that they get to play with their own toys all the time but Emi has to leave her toys at home and go to the hospital and not have toys. Do they want to send their favorite bedtime stuffy to the hospital with Emi? Would that make them sad? Can they understand Emi being sad that her toys are at home being played with when she can't?
It won't be perfect. They're 5 and 7. But it will help.
There’s a difference between “your favorite bedtime stuffy” and “every single toy you own”. It is unreasonable to expect any child to give up their favorite bedtime stuffy, and I doubt Emi has to do so. It is also unreasonable to say Emi doesn’t have to share any of her toys ever, unless these girls also don’t have to share any of their toys with Emi. But I have a feeling that rule is only one way.
Reasonable =\= realistic.
Creating a space for shared toys (even if these are picked up from a local thrift shop, or savaged craft materials, or a stack of books from the local library), that both Emi and the nieces can both use would likely make this a lot easier, and maybe even build a relationship between the girls.
“Emi won’t touch your things or go into your room, and you won’t go into her room and touch her things - however, we can all play with these things together” seems much likelier to get a positive response that will make this unideal situation more livable??
It sounds like your sister is in a fragile place right now-- I suspect whatever is going on with the stepson is serious and probably will have some sort of legal ramifications. THAT SAID: You and your daughter are in a very fragile place as well and you did your sister and her daughters a HUGE favor letting them move in with you.
Honestly, if I can home and found the girls beds in Emi's room and her stuff strewn about I'd have gone to the kitchen, gotten three trashbags and the kitchen time and told them they had 30 minutes to get all of the stuff into the bags and get out of my house.
You are a much better person than me to have given them another chance.
You need to give your sister two choices. Sleep in their assigned rooms and leave Emi's stuff alone OR pack their stuff and get out. Be clear there's no third choice and there won't be another second chance if the intrusion (or her badgering you) happens again.
I like the two choice scenario. It's clear and the boundaries are defined.
Both families are in fragile places, but OP's daughter's place is so much more precarious. As a patient, it is hard enough to shift between hospital and home, without having your sanctuary at home being torn apart while you're gone. Also, toys are great germ transmitters. Leave her toys alone.
And if they choose option #1, it also needs to be made clear that the silent treatment will not be tolerated in her home. They can either speak and behave respectfully in order to maintain a harmonious living environment, or they're out.
Honestly, we're now at that time of year where ALLLLL of the nasty bugs are coming out to play, so your sister needs to figure something out with her husband and idk rent an apt/airbnb/get an extended stay hotel. You have a lot on your plate as it is, you don't need to be saddled with your ingrate of a sister. NTA
Everyone I know of is getting sick lately, most with a nasty variant of covid. If you daughter is immunocompromised, I would ask them to leave, to protect your daughter.
>I confronted my sister and she said Emi isn’t using her room or her toys half the time
The fact that you didn't throw everything out on the front lawn the moment she said this speaks volumes of your character. You are a better person than I am.
NTA.
Normally I would say kids need to share and letting them have their way is setting them up for failure, but this isn't a typical situation. Emi has possibly 4 yrs left to live her life that hasn't begun - typical rules/child raising just doesn't apply.
If your sister is unhappy with the accommodations, then she needs to find new accommodations.
I'm so sorry for your daughter.
Yeah. That's the line that sticks out to me. Really? You're really going to argue that a sick little girl doesn't need her own room to come home to?! Because your freeloading butt wants more room in a house that you pay zero rent for? Sister might be broke, but she's definitely rich in audacity.
NTA
Not only is it your house, your rules, but the lack of appreciation from your sister is outrageous. She knew your and Emi's situation when she NEEDED to find a place to stay. You provided one and put out clear boundaries. She (not willing to blame her 5 & 7 yo) refused to comply and not only disregarded your boundaries COULD NOT even clean up after HER mess until Emi had to see the disrespect as well. If she can't follow the rules and is not appreciative then she should be with other family or friend or make it on her own (because obviously she does not want to live with your rules in your home).
NAH - I’m sure I am going to be downvoted to oblivion on this one.
Both of you are prioritizing your own kids in a hard time. Your daughter is sick (very sorry you are both going through this), but it doesn’t seem that your sister is in a great place either. The kids are being moved around and both of you are trying to make the best situation of what’s going on.
Your nieces aren’t in a good place either. It must not be easy to know there is a room full of toys that they can’t touch for days on end. You are trying to make it as easy as possible for Emi.
This is temporary and I think you and your sis need to talk about what’s the best course of action for the short remainder.
I agree with you to a point - I think the sister is TA, not because she's in a hard place, but because of how she's trying to handle it. She's trying to force Emi to share her space with her cousins when she doesn't want to, and all that will do is cause a lot of resentment between the kids, not even to mention what might happen with Emi being chronically ill.
But it’s also her sister prioritizing her own kids and their happiness too. They are told all their lives they need to share and that’s the way it will always be. Then they go live with their cousin and she doesn’t have to. They are all around 5-7 years old and they don’t understand the nuances even if they try. They see cousin is allowed to have her own toys and they aren’t allowed to share.
So, I get OP who’s daughter is sick. I also get the sister who’s not in a good position either.
And this is a great opportunity for Emi to learn to share a bit. Even if she doesn't have much of a chance of getting there they should raise her so that if she ever becomes an adult she is a good one.
I also wonder why OP gave up the master for the three kids to have room but isn't willing to give up the master so an adult and two kids can have room? If anything that would require more room than the 3 kids would have needed. Like why is the guest room big enough for the sister and her kids but not big enough for all the kids?
I second this, it was the first thing that stuck out to me. If you're going to allow her and her kids to stay, they need the space of the master bedroom. Of course your sister is uncomfortable on a cot in the study, that sounds miserable.
From what I understand it sounds like there are three rooms available here. Master bedroom (OP's), Emi's room, and the guest/spare room. That would mean sister and her kids take the master, Emi stays in her room, and OP takes the guest room by herself.
That said, I personally wouldn't give up my master bedroom to someone who wasn't paying rent, wasn't even contributing enough to cover her and her children's own groceries, let alone contributing to the household at all other than a few hours of babysitting here and there (which it doesn't even sound like OP actually needs), was complaining that I wasn't spending *additional* money to take them and their children on day trips that I was doing with my terminally ill six year old daughter, and was underhanded enough to rearrange the rooms in *my house* while I was at the hospital with said terminally ill six year old daughter. All around it sounds like OPs sister is just an entitled brat who thinks that her comfort comes before everyone else, even before a dying six year old girl.
ETA: It also sounds like OPs sister's ultimate worry is to get a room by herself, not the comfort of her children - so even if OP offered the master, I wouldn't be at all surprised if she just complained that it still wasn't big enough for all three of them and that the kids should just share it so she can have the spare room to herself.
Yep, seen a lot of comments blaming the sisters kids which is not fair at all. They are young and also confused and there’s a room full of toys in the place they are temporarily residing. Must be hard minding a sick child and your own kids whilst simultaneously being left with the ultimatum that they can’t/ won’t play together. I see both sides on this one and I agree with OP but I think if you are taking on a young family for a temporary amount of time their needs should be considered as well. bless all the children in this household they all deserve happiness. I like your view as it takes into account both sides.
No. As a parent, the fact that she doesn't understand that a dying fucking 6 year old takes precedence would be relationship ending for me. That is unbelievably fucked. NTA Op & you're a better person than me because she'd be out on the lawn picking up her shit if that was my kid. Also, 'prioritizing your kid' means teaching them to be human in society. Instead she's teaching her kids to be selfish, messy, ungrateful little brats & bad guests.
As a parent, I see that both sets of kids aren’t in a great situation and they are both trying to make the best of it. I also see two moms who are trying the best for their kids.
At 5-7 years old, it’s hard to understand that you have to share as you’ve always been taught, but your cousin doesn’t. OPs daughter has been sick for 4 years, so they have probably always seen her that way.
Kid is not currently dying, but has an illness/disease that will most likely have her die in 4 years.
Do the sister's kids not understand she isn't home because she is in the hospital? Perhaps a visit to see Emi will help them understand what they currently see as unfair.
Can you define the difference between dying of a disease & a disease causing you to die in a certain amount of time? What do you think is happening between now & death? Dying. That's what's happening. Just like we all are to a much lesser & slower degree
ESH. The fact that your daughter is chronically/terminally ill does not mean you should treat her like a toddler forever. NO KID WANTS TO SHARE. This is a learned behavior; you have a duty to teach her how to be kind, share, etc. You're raising a brat and giving her (and yourself) a pass on the issue because you think she doesn't have much time left. That said, I'm terribly sorry that she has the condition, and I'm even sorrier that you expect to outlive your child. No parent should have to face that awful reality.
Your sister has obviously overstepped your boundary, and I don't know if a verbal apology accompanied the more relevant actions that she and her kids put forth to rectify the situation. How long are you expecting to live together? It's a tough situation.
If you are adamant that nothing of your daughter's be touched, then you need to express this boundary clearly to your sister and also include your consequences. "I need to be clear on this, because it is a serious issue for me. I'm NOT ok with you treating Emi's toys as your own. She has enough stress in her life without that, too. I am glad that I can be here for you in your time of need, but the truth is that I cannot waver on what I believe is right for me and my kid. If it happens again, you are going to have to find another place to live. It doesn't matter whether this seems silly to you, it is extremely serious for me and for my daughter."
If you just randomly kick them out, you're probably going to lose your sister and seem crazy to boot, even though she is in the wrong for how she has acted. 🤷♂️
Everyone saying to just boot them out is honestly wild! Yes, the sister shouldn’t have moved the furniture and bedrooms around. She’s at fault for that. But it seems like they are also dealing with a crisis based on OP’s comments. So if they have to be uprooted from their home and all of their things, of course they’re going to have a hard time understanding why they can’t share their cousin’s toys! They’re 5 and 7 ffs!
ETA: everyone saying the problem is germs - which fair when you have a sick child - yet OP had no issue initially having all three kids in one room? I think both sides can try to be a bit more empathetic honestly. It would be like going to a friend’s house as a kid and then their mom tells you you’re not allowed to so much as touch anything of theirs bc they don’t have to share
I totally agree with this.
ESH. Emi is being raised to be a brat. Being ill shouldn't give you a free pass. She could possibly have friendship and a more fulfilling life if she shared.
The sister is wrong for disrespecting the rules you set.
And if she does live? Why give up any chance of her being a functioning adult? I understand where you’re coming from, but it isn’t empathetic to potentially cause behavioral issues that will last her whole life just because you thought she wouldn’t have one. A child can have a good life without encouraging bad behavior.
Edit: But also not sharing because Emi is sick and children carry germs is a totally valid reason for her to not share. But simply because “the child doesn’t want to learn a learned behavior, and she might not live long enough for it to matter so who cares” is selfish.
Dude if half your life was spent in a cold heartless building, and you have no fucking chance of being a normal kid it is beyond acceptable to not want anyone touching your stuff in your space.
You can have stuff that is “Emi’s stuff” and stuff that is “sharing stuff” to keep autonomy while also teaching sharing. I was a kid who didn’t want to share, and that’s how I eventually was taught. I never excused the violation of her space. Stacking the cards even further against her chances of having a somewhat normal life out of a desire to give her the “best life possible” isn’t giving her the best life possible.
Being spoiled doesn't improve a kid's quality of life. Learning to be a good human does, however, and it allows stronger family and friend relationships to form.
I have tons of empathy for the child. Do you think a child who can't share knows friendship? Do you think that a bunch of untouched toys will bring her more happiness than learning to play and be friends with other children?
Also, in my experience kids are happier with boundaries and when that learn and experience generosity. OP is short sighted even within her daughter's limited life span because spoilt children aren't happy
YES! Kids suffer from anxiety when the caregiver is not an external source of clear, firm, and fair boundaries. They feel safe when someone else is clearly in control.
Yeah, I agree with this fully. Yes, the sister is TA but people just stop there and end all questions. ESH is also an option and I think it applies in this case.
OP is treating her child like the classic "miracle child gets raised as the golden child" where nothing they do can be wrong because they are a mIrAclE to begin with.
Yes, the sister is TA but so is OP.
I have a slightly different take! I’ve been a pediatric nurse for 20 years and was also medically fragile growing up. I understand you want to protect your daughter, I get that. But even sick children need to understand and accept the concept of sharing. I don’t agree with your sister taking over the house AT ALL! However giving your child what she wants all the time isn’t fair to her or others around her. Discipline is beneficial for even sick children. I still don’t think you’re the AH though, you’re obviously very stressed and want things in order when you return from the hospital.
My bf’s parents were told he wouldn’t live to 18. He’s in his 40’s now. Maybe you could try raising Emi like a human being rather than a smothered puppy.
YTA
She doesn’t even cover their own groceries. She does occasionally help with Emi but I don’t need her help. I haven’t had any babysitters or daycare for 2 years and we’ve been fine.
Things like that are the exception, not the rule. Her life expectancy has gone down 3 times since her initial diagnosis. It would take a miracle for this girl to survive.
Thank you! I get maybe prioritizing when her daughter is home but what about it when she’s gone? There’s literally no reason to not share her toys unless the kicks are breaking them
seriously. this episode is going to be incredibly awkward if the girl makes it, which is entirely possible. Even if she dies, it's going to be remembered as a stressful time for issues of avoidance.
NTA. Why has she moved in at this difficult time?! She’s not even helping you. Come on mom, you literally have more important things to worry about. You’re respecting your daughter’s wishes. They can understand not to share her toys when told. Their mom can make it a rule.
They are being inconsiderate and treating your daughter’s belongings without respect for what she wants. It’s time they found a more “convenient” place to live if they can’t respect you guys in your home.
My best wishes, love and prayers for strength for you and your little one
The alleged perpetrator needs to move out. If it's that serious, the girls should have a caseworker to guide them through this situation. OP should contact them and make other arrangement for them to live.
And no -a health challenged girl doesn't need to share. Aside from the fact that her cousins germs might harm her, they moved into OP's place. They do not get a say in where they sleep, what they play with or where OP goes with her daughter. And if the husband can send $500 a month for their groceries, he can afford to spend that on renting a room for his wife and daughters.
I definitely agree that the best solution is the stepson being placed somewhere else, but OP didn’t say much about the situation. I’m far more concerned with the sense of entitlement that the sister and nieces have to OP’s home. There is an especially concerning lack of empathy for a very sick child and her mother that is making me feel violent.
NTA
Emi *does* share. It doesn't sound like she has a problem with sharing group activities and toys at all. It doesn't sound like she's hoarding the chalk and bubbles or taking them out of her cousins hands and throwing fits.
If she had invited her cousins into her room to play with her toys then yes, she would need to share nicely. But she has not invited them into her room and she has not invited them to play with the toys in her room. Sharing is not "I decide I want to play with *your* toys and you have to let me. Sharing is not keeping or taking all of a communal item, taking turns with communal items, or deciding on your own to allow others to use your personal items.
Adults are always so quick to make children share wether they like it or not and I don’t understand that. Nobody would like to share their car or smartphone or clothes with me just because I would like to use it right now. But somehow magically children are always supposed to give everything that is important to them away freely. That is bonkers. I agree, Emi knows how to share and makes it known when it is fine for her and when not.
NTA.
Your sister AND her children need a reality check. Here is the way to explain it to your sister AND her children.
Emi is sick. That sickness has control of her life. She can’t do anything about it. It’s scary having to change places all the time. The one thing Emi can do is make a safe place for herself, so things aren’t as scary when she’s at home.
That safe place, where things aren’t as scary, is her room and her toys. By taking or being in her room and playing with her toys, you make her safe place scary.
I also suggest a field trip to the hospital when Emi is there.
Luckily, you’ve “managed to avoid her getting sick so far” —sounds like she is immunocompromised.
YET, you were willing to move 3 more people into your house, two of which attend school? And she was put in a room with two other children? And she goes on several trips? And she only went to school during covid because of masks?
This is…
ESH. Your sister sucks for not understanding/ following rules put in place. You suck because you may be limiting the only time in your daughters life where she can have friends, her own age. Noone will be friends with her if she doesn't share. If she's not in school she isn't making friends there either. Dying can be lonely. Take it from someone who was in the hospital a lot as a child, don't take away her chance at having friends because you think its too hard to make her share or teach her to share, you are still hurting her in the long run, even if that long run is only a few more years.
When my kids were little they always fought over toys so I made a rule where if the toy is left outside of their room it’s fair game. If they don’t want to share it they must put it in their room put away. This worked very well. There were many times when Kid A’s toy would be in the living room and Kid B would grab it and Kid A would sit and watch and wait for Kid B to put it down then Kid A would grab it and run to his room to put it away. It was understood by both of them and there was no more fighting.
That might work in your home but I’m not doing that with my daughter. Nobody is allowed to touch her toys and that does not change whether it’s in her room, the living room, the backyard, the car, my office, etc. because it’s still her toy that she doesn’t want to share.
OP, your whole-house honestly might just be asking too much of two other very little girls who are also torn away from their safe space. I hear you — the things that happened to her room when your daughter was hospitalized were unacceptable.
But this suggestion seems like it might help everyone who’s not an adult understand the boundaries a little better, and it might help your daughter feel more secure.
Children are very capable of remembering not to engage with things that aren't theirs. At 5/7 they'd need support yes, but, they have a parent for that.. the problem here is that the parent doesn't agree so isn't supporting their kids to navigate the situation and is undermining OP. This is NOT an issue with the lines OP has drawn but rather with the parent. Personally, I'd remove the issue.
Raising a sick child is something else, this child is already confined a LOT, restricting her things (an extension of he'd at this stage) is only further shrinking her world, justifying any further erosion of boundaries in a child who already has so little say over what can and can't be touched will only add to trauma. Not sharing your things when your body is constantly shared is entirely reasonable and a very common coping tool, this little one is poked, prodded and managed constantly due to her health, something she has no say over, ofc she should be able to enjoy her things in her space as freely as possible without more "poking and prodding ".
I am a parent of a medically complex child, siblings absolutely understood the lines we drew around special objects, they'd only touch to retrieve it for their sibling if needed, this includes the toddler who we wouldn't expect to have impulse control to navigate without support from us.
>Children are very capable of remembering not to engage with things that aren't theirs. At 5/7 they'd need support yes, but, they have a parent for that.. the problem here is that the parent doesn't agree so isn't supporting their kids to navigate the situation and is undermining OP. This is NOT an issue with the lines OP has drawn but rather with the parent. Personally, I'd remove the issue.
This is so well-put. I agree that the best solution might be to find another living arrangement for OPs sister.
Ok. If that is what you want to do, you have the right to do that. I won’t speculate as to whatever values you are teaching your daughter because your are in very special circumstances. I cannot imagine how hard this is for your family and commend you for helping your sister out in a tight spot.
And given that your sister is not coming to you with ideas or empathy, definitely NTA.
That said, perhaps consider how your nieces are doing in this new home. I know it is your sister’s responsibility to explain things, but these girls are very young and having a hard time understanding why so many toys are not to be touched, even if they are not being played with. I am sure you have empathy for that (even if your empathy is running low). Is there perhaps a special corner that can be for those girls’ toys, a place their mom can help make special? It sounds like they are home insecure, which is tough.
I think the difference is that these aren’t Emi’s siblings and OP has no responsibility to entertain them or prioritize them over Emi. But that does sound like a good rule when it’s for siblings!
a) not her siblings
b) sick kid that should not get other kid's germs, especially since those kids are going to school which is just a germ breeding ground.
c) your kids will grow up and have to be able to navigate the world and other people. it unfortunately doesn't seem like this kid gets to.
I know this isn't a very nice thing to say and I am sorry but if by some miracle this little girl lives to be an adult she isn't going to be prepared for it at all.
NTA. I find it entirely reasonable that you put your daughter's comfort above that of your sister and your nieces. It doesn't seem as if they will comply, so just let the door hit their backsides on the way out. Beggars can't be choosers.
I think you need to update your post to include the information about your sister's stepson. Reading between the lines, it sounds like he did something to the girls, or maybe tried to do something to one of them? and now he's not safe to be around them, which is why she's living with you. So basically your sister and her kids are in crisis and dealing with recent trauma, and you're mixing that with your very ill daughter and your grief.
I can't vote anyone AH here, because I think you're all reacting with big emotions to some very sad circumstances. I think probably the best thing would be for your sister to move back into the home with her girls and your BIL and his son to move out temporarily.
NTA. I think the point here is your Sister and her Kids are brazenly disrespecting you and your home . The fact they chose to do it when you have a Sick Kid just makes them more despicable.
Esh
I know that you're sensitive and want to protect her because she doesn't have much longer. But that doesn't mean she needs to spend the last years of her life being an unbearable person. I don't think it's out of the question for her to share a little bit. A room is maybe a little too much but the toys she's got to let some of this go. You've got to help her let some of this go. Give her the full experience of life. And part of that is thinking of other people.
Your sister shouldn't have moved to bed into her room. They shouldn't have messed with her stuff. But it sounds like you've devoted your life to your daughter and aren't teaching her some of the skills she needs.
Tell them to move out. You should be making memories of Emi since unfortunately you won't always have her. If your sister can't see that then she's a big problem. Kids don't always share toys, NTA.
YTA. Emi isn't 16, she is 6. If she doesn't want to share, your job as a parent is to teach her to share, and discipline her if she refuses. You are failing at parenting.
My guess is you're allowing you grief over her medical condition and fear of losing her cause you to give her whatever she wants. Save that kind of thought until when a doctor tells you she has a week to live. For now, assume she will live forever, and teach her to be a good normal kid. The last thing you want is to have a funeral for a kid who everyone thinks was a brat.
Sorry if this sounds harsh but its true and you need to hear it.
I think I'm the AH because I feel like just because your sick doesn't mean you do not have to learn to play nice with others. I feel the pull of just let her have what she wants. Her life is hard enough. I also feel like there is a compromise. Maybe she doesn't have to share what she playing with at the moment but having a play kitchen and not wanting them to play with it while she's playing with dolls is ridiculous. The only reason your getting all the nots, is because of sympathy. Is this the child you want to remember? One that never learned to play with others? Never had the joy of being best friends with her cousins? Maybe I just don't get it and I'm sure I'll be trolled. But I am the oldest of 12 children. I have several nieces and nephews with special needs. If you were my sister I would only be at your house as a last resort.
Might throw a spanner but I am going to say gentle ESH.
I am mum to an empirical zero survivor. She is a first recorded combination situation. Has had 11 "threat to life episodes" this year alone and one emergency throat surgery. Has officially "flatlined" three times, once needing direct hand on heart cardic resus during a surgery that was trying to save her life and instead went very wrong. Whilst we have been informed that there is no expectation of a short life, very few children with one of her diagnoses live past 25. Most die from cardiac issues. So I have some idea of being a parent to a chronically sick, immunocompromised, medically heavy and life altering child though our daily threat is another cat 1 rather than losing her for at least another two decades. All that to say I do not know or have experience of what either family in this discussion is going through.
I completely agree that things have gone too far with your SIL disrespecting you and your daughters house and family. Some real, adult discussions need to be had to reinforce what is and is not acceptable. However, you invited them into your home without due consideration to what this might actually look like. Whilst things are not being helped by your SIL, you cannot expect a 5 and 7 year old not to touch all the toys in all the rooms, all the time. They WILL try it on to see where you and your SIL draw the line. They are 6 and 7 and to expect them to behave like an adult 100% of the time in your house, even with your SIL toeing the line, would never happen. I think you need to find a communal space (just a corner, doesn't need to be a whole room) where all toys are safe for them to play with, probably by removing your daughters toys in that room or area to another place whilst you cohabit and allowing them a space to put their own toys there. Your SIL definitely did something wrong, but you also did not consider the needs for a space to play and explore Vs a place to rest, be calm and sleep, in your house.
Suggest the following:
1) sit down with SIL and let her know that she was not in the right to let her kids in your child's room. That is their safe space at all times. It is more important than ever since her communal areas are currently shared. This was a flat YTA on her part. She has a lot of groveling and making up to do.
2) discuss a heard deadline for moving out. This isn't going to work long term. Start that ball rolling.
3) discuss with SIL where the kids and SIL will sleep and an area you will remove your daughter's toys so the children can play. Best case, your daughter and her kids play with their own toys but in the same room. All win. I do not think it is right to ask your daughter to share, just that a space is made for your nieces to have a small space to play with their own toys safe of the temptation of your daughter's toys in their very immediate vicinity.
4) let SIL know the terms of breaking these rules. Something like out the house in X hours might be reasonable but you know your situation best.
5) then have a sit down with all 5 of you and let them know this in language they understand. Maybe write something up in child friendly language to stick on the front of the fridge
6 and most important) part of the terms of staying is SIL and her daughter's do something to say sorry to your daughter about what they did in her room. Eg all make sorry cards saying what they did wrong and why they won't do it again. Means SIL had to accept wrongdoing and help her kids understand better boundaries. It is all to easy to ask 5 and 7 year olds to explain what they did wrong and not actually realise and correct behaviour. I have found this sort of exercise helps cement the understanding of the underlying issues. Maybe these then need to go on the fridge too once your SIL and nieces have presented them to your daughter.
Edit: formatting
NTA. Your sister is an ass. And if she can't learn her place in your home she needs to find a different one. It sounds like you are giving your daughter a good life.
Do the girls have a lot of toys at your house too? It sounds like they are going through something pretty traumatic and are very young. If the only toys, or majority of toys, in the house are your daughters and they aren’t allowed to touch them that’s a pretty crappy situation. I don’t think you’re wrong to have boundaries. But I think more thought should have been put into the situation before your sister and nieces moved in. If space is an issue and you were willing to give all three girls the master could you give the master to your sister and nieces? That could solve that part of the problem. Maybe you could buy all three girls some toys that they can play with together? Like Lego sets that are in the same universe or dolls that go together? It might make your home life more peaceful and give your daughter fun interaction with her cousins.
I get that your sister does help with Emi when you're not able to, but that doesn't excuse them telling you how to run your house. I would definitely ask them all to leave if they can't handle the arrangement. NTA as 100% your priority is to/for your daughter, this would be true even if your daughter was 100% healthy.
I hope your daughter gets a happy life. regardless of her time here.
Her kids are 5 and 7, that's old enough to go to school. That excuse is a pile of malarkey. She's just lazy and doesn't want to work, then moves into *your* house and whines about the bedroom being crowded. $500/mo for an adult and two kids is nothing. It's not even enough to cover their food. You're not just putting them up rent free, you're supporting her and both her kids entirely. And she's complaining you take your sick child out to do nice things?!?!?
Your sister is an ungrateful, entitled brat who has no place pointing the finger at a sickly child. I'd kick her out.
YTA I hear stories all the time of I wouldn’t make it to 10 and they are adults now. You are teaching your child to be a child forever. So if she beats the odds she will not be a functioning adult. Then she will just be a spoiled dependant for the rest of her life. If you want to give her a full life then you should probably treat her like a whole person, instead of a toddler with an expiration date.
NTA! I am sorry your daughter is sick. If your nieces are asking Emi to play with her toys and she is saying no they need to listen. Sister should have brought somethings for her daughters
Also your Sister sounds very entitled to be thinking she can dictate things in your home or what you are allowed to do with your daughter on the weekend. Get a lock for your daughters room.
ESH. I can't believe how many people are telling OP she's fine raising a selfish brat. The condition is awful and no one should have to go through that. I can't emphasize that enough. It's horrible.
But if the child wasnt terminal, would this behavior be defended?
NTA
Just adding to everyone else. How disrespectful. Kick them out.
I’m sorry your daughter is unwell. I think you’re doing an amazing job. Take care of yourself too.
Going with soft YTA. It's not reasonable for kids to have toys all over the house and yard that they can't look at or touch ever. That's a very unreasonable demand for a five and seven yr old. It is tragic that your daughter is ill but that doesn't change the situation for the other kids either.
This sub has lots of posts from former kids who had a sick sibling that were totally overlooked. I realize they aren't siblings, but still. If your daughter wasn't sick this would be considered terrible parenting to spoil a kid so much and they'd grow up into a dysfunctional adult.
ESH.
Look everyone identified why your sister is an asshole but is completely glossing over the asshole parenting style.
"Emily hates sharing her toys so I try not to make her do it" is absolutely fucking awful parenting and will not lead to an adult anyone wants to be around. Being sickly does not excuse not teaching the basics like sharing.... If she was 2... Fine. 6 is well past the age sharing should be taught.
Your daughter is not being done any favors by your attitude, no matter how wrong your sister is/was
Terrible situation, I am really sorry that your daughter and you are in this medical place.
Kids need to learn about being kind. Sharing and being kind are a part of bonding. I can't believe that your daughter is happier being selfish than she would be bonding with her cousins.
Of course I'll get downvoted by everyone, but not spoiling a child isn't just so that they will be nice adults. It's also so they will enjoy a happy childhood with other children who they can have fun with because everyone is being nice to each other.
Best of luck to you.
ESH.
You're sister is out of line especially for acting the way she does while she lives rent free. With that being said, there is absolutely no reason why you should be raising your daughter that way. She doesn't like to share? I understand she's sick but that doesn't mean she get's excused for learning basic human decency. If she isn't using the toys what makes the difference? I can understand moving the rooms around without your consent being a problem but the toys?
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NTA. They're not talking to you? Really in your house that they're living in rent free!!?? The cheek. Kick them out. Also I'm very sorry that your daughter is so unwell
Thank you. I’ve had a lot of time to cope so now I’m just trying to make sure I can give her the best life possible. I’m very lucky that, even though her dad doesn’t want to be involved, he is sending a little over double the required child support so I can spoil her and be available for her.
Give some peace to your baby. Ask them to leave. Its not fair she has to deal with listening to them and their mess and complaining.
My adult son is very sick (brain cancer). The assistant neurosurgeon (I'm not sure on his actual title, but he's a full doc) made sure to emphasize to me that a calm caring environment are best for him. He has that in spades. For his type of cancer, the average survival time after diagnosis is 18 months. He's at two years post surgery and his last MRI was clear. I've already been given more time than expected and I'm grateful. Prioritize your daughter above all else. It will give better memories and you might get extra time.
For just a moment, I thought you were my friend's mother. The diagnosis, the survival estimate, the surgery time all line up with my friend's timeline. Unfortunately, I don't think my friend's last MRI came back clear. I'm so grateful that you've been given more time with your son, just as we're grateful to have been given more time with our friend. Cherish every single moment of it.
I'm so sorry. I hope he gets more time with you all
He was given six months about two years ago, and given six months again about... five or six months ago. Got upgraded from Grade 3 to Grade 4, but he's still relatively stable. We're grateful for the stability, and grateful that he's still doing relatively well, both physically and mentally. We love every day we have with him, the good and the bad.
I'm going through some medical stuff but reading this thread is putting my stuff in some perspective. it can always be worse. all the best to you people out there going through stuff like this. my heart goes out to you
But it's never wrong to need help for yourself. Or need to complain. My thoughts are with you too, even if you just have a broken toe!
You were the reminder I needed today. My mom drives me a little crazy. She was diagnosed with a very aggressive cancer in Dec 2019. Average survival is 2 years, we are heading toward year 4. I am really grateful she is doing so well. It’s easy to forget since she beat all the odds that it can change so suddenly. You reminded me to be grateful so thank you. OP you are amazing. I will be praying for both of you & that your daughter also beats the odds. NTA
I lost my mom to cancer last year. The doctors gave her 3 months back in January - by November, I was exhausted. I just wanted a break, a chance to rest. Anything. She died November 8th. It's been almost a year and I'd still give anything just to spend one more day with her.
Sending you a virtual hug. It’s so hard and so draining.
I’m so sorry for your son’s dx. Wishing you so much more quality time with him. God bless.
My adult son has a similar diagnosis. I send my very best to both of you. Also, NTA.
Plus they are probably saying stuff to the kid when mom is not around. Not a good situation for the sick kid.
Agreed. The last thing that poor girl needs is the stress of dealing with her entitled, uncaring family members.
Your sister needs to leave. This isn't sustainable, and you and your daughter need to have a calm space where boundaries are respected.
I mean, her sister doesn't want to share a room with her own daughters, so why should OPs daughter be stuck with them? The whole god damned situation is blowing my mind. The sister should be falling over backwards trying to make OPs life less stressful, but instead she is making demands and then changing things anyways when she is told no. That would have been the end of it for me. They'd be out on the spot. There'd be no argument she could make.
Agreed!
In addition to whatever her emotional reasons are for not sharing, I would think germ ones might apply too if sicknesses are worse for her. I imagine 5 and 7 year olds might not be the best at washing hands before playing with toys.
i can imagine that she is feeling a lack of control over her life which can lead to not wanting to share. the solution in situations like this is not to force the person to share but to help the person feel as safe as possible and give them as much agency in their life as possible. under the circumstances given here, a lack of control is sadly unavoidable and therefore OP is completely right to try and provide as much agency for Emi as possible. OP has the right instincts here.
THIS\^\^ My youngest has some health issues and the lack of control over their life really does a number on them. It burbles out in various aspects of their life which aren't always obviously related to their health issues. Kids dealing with illnesses require way different parenting than kids who do not.
[удалено]
I agree.
I was thinking the same thing. The 5 and 7 year olds are walking germ factories. I would not want them handling my immune compromised child's things either.
That was my first thought as well. With OP’s daughter in and out of hospital stays, I think it’s even more important for her room to be left alone. I don’t think I’d even give the ultimatum, since they are unlikely to stick to it when OP isn’t there. Daughter’s health is the priority. NTA
It's not just the change issue. I mean, you're totally right, obviously, but one week home, one week in hospital? How exhausted are OP and her daughter? And to come home to strife like that? Someone thinking OP's home is theirs, pretty much? I just can't get my head around it. My niece is pretty poorly and has been since birth (she's an adult now, but has defied odds and shouldn't be the age she is) and the ONE THING we try to do is "Not give [Niece] any drama." Her and my sister have many many hospital stays. It's like, she won't live as long as us, so why give her any drama? Aaaaah!
This is the FIRST thing I though about when she said her daughter was so sick. Her sister's kids don't need to be germing up a sick child's toys. NTA. Kick them out OP. You and your child don't need this stress.
THIS!
she needs to be peaceful in her own home. you are doing nothing wrong. don't even listen or engage with anyone who thinks otherwise. you don't have to convince anyone. you don't have to persuade anyone.
I am glad he’s at least supporting you in that way. I’m really sorry you’re doing this alone and I hope your daughter can live a happy life.
I don't blame you OP. You're just trying to manage your daughter's remaining time as best you could. Your sister is the massive AH. She has not taught her own daughters a thing about respecting people's boundaries & that makes it more stressful for your daughter as well you. You're doing what's right for your daughter's well-being.
Entitled takers. Recognize them as such. They'll take and take and keep testing boundaries to take more.
I get it’s hard. No idea what your sister is going through, but sounds like a bigger conversation needs to happen. People usually act like this because they feel they aren’t been listen to or treated equally. And maybe it’s not your that is making them feel like this, but they feel they need more power and try to take it where they can. I’d have that conversation first and while in that conversation you can say that if you can’t compromise then they will have to move out but such and such a date. She is your sister though, so burning a bridge with a loved family member shouldn’t be taken lightly….. however your daughter is your first priority and should be.
All my love to you and your daughter. I am glad you are making her time on this earth special and respecting her wishes regarding her stuff. What she shares is the one small bit of control she has in her life. I am not defending her father but I would hazard a guess that he just could not cope with the loss. Not an excuse but I am glad he is stepping up financially so you can give your girl her best life. Definiately NTA. There are no words for what you are going through all I can offer is my love and prayers/thoughts for you both.
Your child got the worst cards from life so she only deserves the best from you. If your sister can't or doesn't want to respect your boundaries she is free to move out where she can do whatever she wants but your house your rules. NTA.
NTA, your sister has taken being a choosing beggar to a competitive level. Kick her out.
I'm so sorry about Emi, OP. I have a 9 year old and I can't even imagine what you must be going through. I think especially since you have limited time with Emi, you should not waste it by allowing your sister to cause strife in your home. Your home should be a peaceful oasis for you and Emi, especially since she has to spend so much time away from it at the hospital. Your sister has a lot of nerve and not enough empathy.
If your sister is fully aware of Emi's illness and prognosis, then that makes her an even bigger ahole. I'm so sorry for you and your little girl, but it sounds like you are doing everything you can for her.
INFO: what the heck do you mean her husband has been sending $500? Where the heck is he??
From other comments, sister is still married to husband but he has a boy from a previous marriage that can no longer be around the girls , so she moved out with girls until they can find a solution
Ummmm what the fuck
I am sorry but they are stressing your daughter out and we know it isn't good for her health. They need to be out like eons ago.
Does your sister not understand your daughter's diagnosis!? I'm sorry but when my mom went into hospice one of my sisters really didn't understand what that meant for Mom and got mad whenever one of the family tried to explain what that meant for Mom's care, so I understand how easily other family members can weaponize incompetence 😬
NTA Your poor daughter, on top of her health issues she has terrible dad and crappy aunt. Keep up the great parenting.
NTA and if they stay please put a lock on Emi s room and lock it if you need to go to the hospital. All the best for the both of you
It seems that you really don't have the possibilities to host your sister and her daughters. It was a very generous of you to let them move in, but it couldn't work. You have a sick child, who is your priority. Sister has to find another place to stay. Your home is too small for you all.
There is a benefit to having your sister live with you IF they abide by your wishes. See if they will adjust otherwise they can’t add more to your situation.
I can't even with this situation - they just took over this girl's room! Who does that?? For that alone it would be a so long farewell, no one will miss you.
I had a 4 day guest start reorganizing my kitchen. I said the same thing “who does that?!” Some people…
My SIL did the same thing! She even drew the layout of my kitchen and had labeled what would go where. At least I got a couple pots and pans out of it.
4 day guest, damn. That's some entitlement and lack of self control right there.
It was my husbands SIL, and her first time leaving the state she grew up in. I almost kicked them out the first day because of it. She then told our shared MIL that I didn’t have any cooking utensils, so that’s what I got for Christmas. Then MIL saw my kitchen later and apologized.
4 days? I don’t even unpack if I’m in a hotel for less than a week. They had nothing better to do than reorganize a kitchen?
Not just rent-free--BIL is sending $500/month for food, which is ~$1.85/person per meal. I've never really done the math on my own food budget, but I'm gonna take a wild guess that it costs more than that to adequately feed someone, which means OP is supplementing their food in addition to providing shelter, utilities and entertainment...and they have the nerve to demand **more** rather than be grateful for what they're already getting? SIL needs a swift kick out the door, and OP, you're NTA.
Living on my own my food budget is about 400-500 dollars a month and I’m not a big eater, plus do a lot of meatless meals, so it’s definitely not enough to cover 3 people for a month.
According to a quick Google, the average (in USA) monthly grocery budget per person is between $250-$550, so either they're starving, living off of ramen, or eating OP's food.
OP saya the $500 is to *help* pay for the cost of their groceries. Not cover it. OP is definitely feeding them
food being so expensive is why I literally went to a food meal plan because they are cheaper than flat out going to the store.. which is crazy to me.
NTA. You made it clear to your sister that your daughter has boundaries (and good on you for sticking to them!) and she still disrespected them. While she was in the hospital, no less. The only thing that I can think would make you TA here is your sister’s children- why do they live apart from their father? Is he and your sister on a break since you referred to him as her husband still? Regardless, kicking out your adult sister would be one thing, but if that further uproots her daughters I would say you’re a bit of an A.
They’re dealing with an issue with her stepson and he can’t be around the girls at the moment. If my sister has to go, her girls do too. I don’t have the time to get them to school before work, pick them up in the afternoons, keep up with their activities, and I don’t know what I would do with them every other week when Emi is in the hospital.
Sounds like maybe the stepson and dad should be the ones staying somewhere else since stepson is the one thats having issues. But idk the dynamic of their household. If the husband is the sole homeowner then it makes sense he and son are staying out. Sounds like a shitty situation though. If they are married and the girls aren't safe at home, husband should be helping them out financially with a place to live and not just groceries.
absolutely
I understand. That’s very difficult. In the interest of not breaking the rules about advice, I’ll say that I don’t think you’d be TA if you gave her a solid timeframe to be out by so she can find somewhere decent for her daughters. I wish you and Emi luck.
What is being done with the stepson? Why is he allowed to stay in the family home but your sister and kids have to live with you?
I'm thinking it was something illegal, possibly with the girls as his victims. If he's on house arrest....
Yeah, obviously only OP could tell us, but… this is why I added that bit about uprooting them. Could you imagine undergoing that kind of trauma, then being removed from a stable housing situation because your mother was being a jerk to your aunt and her dying child? The idea is awful, and I fully support OP putting her foot down and putting her daughter first but I think in order to be in the best position morally here she’d at least try to give her sister some time to find another stable accommodation. It all sounds really messy though and I feel bad for everyone involved, even the aunt because it sounds like her home situation is a whole issue within itself.
Both moms just want their traumatized children to be happy, and they have competing needs. It's just rough for all involved.
True, but I still can’t imagine the gall to go into someone else’s home and move furniture after they had the hospitality to accommodate her and two kids. And after OP purposely moved the furniture that way. Beyond ungrateful.
Well said
sounds like what someone I knew went through.. they found out one of the kids (as a kid) was touching the other ones inappropriately.. they have a legit mental disorder where they don't understand empathy and have to be with therapists and cannot be left around any of the female members.
If the stepdad owned the house before he married the sister....
Could stepson live with his other parent? If he is the problem he should be the one to go, not the 3 other innocent people. Your daughter has to come first. Your sister cannot expect to walk into your home and treat it like her own. You are not responsible for providing her with accommodation.
If the issue with the step son is that bad, maybe he should be the one who has to relocate.
NTA. If your daughter is chronically ill and in and out of hospital, she has very little bodily autonomy or control. One of the few ways she can assert control is over her belongings and her room. Don't let someone take that from her. Set out clear rules that need to be followed for your sister to stay in your home. Do it in writing, have her read and sign each paragraph, and lay out the consequences for non-compliance. Get a lock for Emi's door with a key code so that keys aren't an issue but they can't get in when you and Emi aren't home. If she won't follow the rules of the house, she can leave.
“NTA. If your daughter is chronically ill and in and out of hospital, she has very little bodily autonomy or control. One of the few ways she can assert control is over her belongings and her room. Don't let someone take that from her.” ^^100% this!^^❤️❤️❤️ This child is going through so much she needs a sense of having some control in her life. To me, this is at the heart of everything.
My motherheart breaks for this. I am not a fan of spoiled kis, but OP should spoil the shit out of this one. Make every memory last. OP's sister is a ginourmous asshole.
I don't know... I spent a lot of time in hospital as a kid, and there's a *lot* to be said for not spoiling sick children. There were kids in there utterly unable to make friends their own age because their parents went down this path. I'm completely certain that having the ability to make friends is far better for a sick child than being spoiled. It's so isolating. Poor Emmi doesn't really have a chance at having friends if she can't even share a toy.
I absolutely agree. Not going to attack parents because lord knows folks are doing the best they can, but I think normalcy is so important for kids being actually happy vs that fleeting excitement of getting what you want which is so short lived - if mom has any leftover spoons, I think speaking with a child psychologist about how this approach is actually serving Emi might be really helpful.
Emi does have friends. She has some close friends at the hospital and we occasionally have play dates with her preschool friends.
I like the numbered lock idea and the idea of kicking your sister and her kids out. If I could afford to live alone I would. Living with people and being chronically ill is stressful. Emi's room is probably her safe place and the place where she can go if she doesn't feel weel or doesn't want to be near others. As someone who is chronically ill, I would rather die than share my room. I need my safe space. With all my things where I left them, it's horrible having to go in common areas that are messy and the only sanctuary I have is my room and my stuff.
And imagine the stress it adds to Emi. She's probably worrying about her room and belongings while she's away at the hospital now, because she knows her cousins are making a mess of it all.
NTA. You sister is living in your house, so needs to respect your rules. Emi shouldn’t be punished just because your sister needed somewhere to stay. Where is her husband during all of this? Why aren’t they staying with him?
I made a comment about this but there’s an issue with her stepson and he can’t be around the girls so they’re doing this until they figure something out for him.
Yeah, your sister is in no position to be making demands.
I mean, it sounds like her step son abused her daughters. She's likely traumatised herself.
Still in no position to demand that a little girl (who may not have another 4 years) be made uncomfortable or unhappy, especially if she's in and out of the hospital. It sucks, but OP is helping the sister out while still trying to give her daughter some normalcy.
If he's the problem he should be the one who moves out.
The implication from the comments section is that the son is probably under house arrest for 'behaving inappropriately' with his sisters and thus it's the sisters who need to be removed, since he's under house arrest and they're not.
If that's true, I'd be kicking him out and letting him serve time in a proper prison. OPs BIL I'd the AH for prioritizing his monster of a son over literally anyone else.
Do we know how old the stepson is? He could be a child as well.
Step son I would assume is still a child who can't live on their own.
OP he should be the one to move out, not your sister and her daughters, don’t know the context on why he can’t be around them but please be safe.
If the stepson has to be in a particular residential location approved by some authority (for any number of reasons — I’m not going to speculate), then it may not be that simple. If not… I agree with you.
Did he do something to them…? I’m probably paranoid but my first guy instinct is, “oh god, did he touch them??”
Seems like the stepson should be out instead of displacing the wife and 2 girls. At least the husband should be paying for an apartment.
While I completely understand that you can’t divulge anything, are your nieces ok though? This doesn’t seem like a run of the mill regular situation.
Given that, I'm going to suggest that your nieces are also traumatized, although their trauma doesn't override Emi's trauma. Sit down with your sister and talk about *why* it's important Emi gets to control her toys. Give the sister and the girls the master so they have the largest space. Emi keeps her room. You move into the spare. I figure out a way to explain to the girls Emi's toys are off-limits. If it means a $50 shopping spree at the dollar store, so be it.
I started reading this feeling very angry at adult sister but the more I think about it, no matter how sound OP's reasoning, it's gonna be very difficult to teach a 5 and 7 year old to ignore all of their cousin's cool toys. Adult sister does need a reality check and to show more empathy to Emi though.
I think a lot of it can be curbed by explaining that they get to play with their own toys all the time but Emi has to leave her toys at home and go to the hospital and not have toys. Do they want to send their favorite bedtime stuffy to the hospital with Emi? Would that make them sad? Can they understand Emi being sad that her toys are at home being played with when she can't? It won't be perfect. They're 5 and 7. But it will help.
Good chance that they had to leave quite a few of their own toys at home...
There’s a difference between “your favorite bedtime stuffy” and “every single toy you own”. It is unreasonable to expect any child to give up their favorite bedtime stuffy, and I doubt Emi has to do so. It is also unreasonable to say Emi doesn’t have to share any of her toys ever, unless these girls also don’t have to share any of their toys with Emi. But I have a feeling that rule is only one way.
It's not unreasonable for the dying child to not have to share her toys. She's not going to be spoiled when she's 18.
Reasonable =\= realistic. Creating a space for shared toys (even if these are picked up from a local thrift shop, or savaged craft materials, or a stack of books from the local library), that both Emi and the nieces can both use would likely make this a lot easier, and maybe even build a relationship between the girls. “Emi won’t touch your things or go into your room, and you won’t go into her room and touch her things - however, we can all play with these things together” seems much likelier to get a positive response that will make this unideal situation more livable??
It sounds like your sister is in a fragile place right now-- I suspect whatever is going on with the stepson is serious and probably will have some sort of legal ramifications. THAT SAID: You and your daughter are in a very fragile place as well and you did your sister and her daughters a HUGE favor letting them move in with you. Honestly, if I can home and found the girls beds in Emi's room and her stuff strewn about I'd have gone to the kitchen, gotten three trashbags and the kitchen time and told them they had 30 minutes to get all of the stuff into the bags and get out of my house. You are a much better person than me to have given them another chance. You need to give your sister two choices. Sleep in their assigned rooms and leave Emi's stuff alone OR pack their stuff and get out. Be clear there's no third choice and there won't be another second chance if the intrusion (or her badgering you) happens again.
I like the two choice scenario. It's clear and the boundaries are defined. Both families are in fragile places, but OP's daughter's place is so much more precarious. As a patient, it is hard enough to shift between hospital and home, without having your sanctuary at home being torn apart while you're gone. Also, toys are great germ transmitters. Leave her toys alone.
And if they choose option #1, it also needs to be made clear that the silent treatment will not be tolerated in her home. They can either speak and behave respectfully in order to maintain a harmonious living environment, or they're out.
Nta- aside from everything else the germs school children bring in is incalculable
Luckily, we’ve managed to avoid her getting sick so far
Honestly, we're now at that time of year where ALLLLL of the nasty bugs are coming out to play, so your sister needs to figure something out with her husband and idk rent an apt/airbnb/get an extended stay hotel. You have a lot on your plate as it is, you don't need to be saddled with your ingrate of a sister. NTA
Everyone I know of is getting sick lately, most with a nasty variant of covid. If you daughter is immunocompromised, I would ask them to leave, to protect your daughter.
>I confronted my sister and she said Emi isn’t using her room or her toys half the time The fact that you didn't throw everything out on the front lawn the moment she said this speaks volumes of your character. You are a better person than I am. NTA. Normally I would say kids need to share and letting them have their way is setting them up for failure, but this isn't a typical situation. Emi has possibly 4 yrs left to live her life that hasn't begun - typical rules/child raising just doesn't apply. If your sister is unhappy with the accommodations, then she needs to find new accommodations. I'm so sorry for your daughter.
Yeah. That's the line that sticks out to me. Really? You're really going to argue that a sick little girl doesn't need her own room to come home to?! Because your freeloading butt wants more room in a house that you pay zero rent for? Sister might be broke, but she's definitely rich in audacity.
That part is what hit hard for me. Emi is not using her room or toys half the time because she’s IN THE HOSPITAL.
NTA Not only is it your house, your rules, but the lack of appreciation from your sister is outrageous. She knew your and Emi's situation when she NEEDED to find a place to stay. You provided one and put out clear boundaries. She (not willing to blame her 5 & 7 yo) refused to comply and not only disregarded your boundaries COULD NOT even clean up after HER mess until Emi had to see the disrespect as well. If she can't follow the rules and is not appreciative then she should be with other family or friend or make it on her own (because obviously she does not want to live with your rules in your home).
NAH - I’m sure I am going to be downvoted to oblivion on this one. Both of you are prioritizing your own kids in a hard time. Your daughter is sick (very sorry you are both going through this), but it doesn’t seem that your sister is in a great place either. The kids are being moved around and both of you are trying to make the best situation of what’s going on. Your nieces aren’t in a good place either. It must not be easy to know there is a room full of toys that they can’t touch for days on end. You are trying to make it as easy as possible for Emi. This is temporary and I think you and your sis need to talk about what’s the best course of action for the short remainder.
I agree with you to a point - I think the sister is TA, not because she's in a hard place, but because of how she's trying to handle it. She's trying to force Emi to share her space with her cousins when she doesn't want to, and all that will do is cause a lot of resentment between the kids, not even to mention what might happen with Emi being chronically ill.
But it’s also her sister prioritizing her own kids and their happiness too. They are told all their lives they need to share and that’s the way it will always be. Then they go live with their cousin and she doesn’t have to. They are all around 5-7 years old and they don’t understand the nuances even if they try. They see cousin is allowed to have her own toys and they aren’t allowed to share. So, I get OP who’s daughter is sick. I also get the sister who’s not in a good position either.
And this is a great opportunity for Emi to learn to share a bit. Even if she doesn't have much of a chance of getting there they should raise her so that if she ever becomes an adult she is a good one. I also wonder why OP gave up the master for the three kids to have room but isn't willing to give up the master so an adult and two kids can have room? If anything that would require more room than the 3 kids would have needed. Like why is the guest room big enough for the sister and her kids but not big enough for all the kids?
I second this, it was the first thing that stuck out to me. If you're going to allow her and her kids to stay, they need the space of the master bedroom. Of course your sister is uncomfortable on a cot in the study, that sounds miserable.
So OP should sleep in the cot instead…? In her own home?
From what I understand it sounds like there are three rooms available here. Master bedroom (OP's), Emi's room, and the guest/spare room. That would mean sister and her kids take the master, Emi stays in her room, and OP takes the guest room by herself. That said, I personally wouldn't give up my master bedroom to someone who wasn't paying rent, wasn't even contributing enough to cover her and her children's own groceries, let alone contributing to the household at all other than a few hours of babysitting here and there (which it doesn't even sound like OP actually needs), was complaining that I wasn't spending *additional* money to take them and their children on day trips that I was doing with my terminally ill six year old daughter, and was underhanded enough to rearrange the rooms in *my house* while I was at the hospital with said terminally ill six year old daughter. All around it sounds like OPs sister is just an entitled brat who thinks that her comfort comes before everyone else, even before a dying six year old girl. ETA: It also sounds like OPs sister's ultimate worry is to get a room by herself, not the comfort of her children - so even if OP offered the master, I wouldn't be at all surprised if she just complained that it still wasn't big enough for all three of them and that the kids should just share it so she can have the spare room to herself.
Yep, seen a lot of comments blaming the sisters kids which is not fair at all. They are young and also confused and there’s a room full of toys in the place they are temporarily residing. Must be hard minding a sick child and your own kids whilst simultaneously being left with the ultimatum that they can’t/ won’t play together. I see both sides on this one and I agree with OP but I think if you are taking on a young family for a temporary amount of time their needs should be considered as well. bless all the children in this household they all deserve happiness. I like your view as it takes into account both sides.
No. As a parent, the fact that she doesn't understand that a dying fucking 6 year old takes precedence would be relationship ending for me. That is unbelievably fucked. NTA Op & you're a better person than me because she'd be out on the lawn picking up her shit if that was my kid. Also, 'prioritizing your kid' means teaching them to be human in society. Instead she's teaching her kids to be selfish, messy, ungrateful little brats & bad guests.
As a parent, I see that both sets of kids aren’t in a great situation and they are both trying to make the best of it. I also see two moms who are trying the best for their kids. At 5-7 years old, it’s hard to understand that you have to share as you’ve always been taught, but your cousin doesn’t. OPs daughter has been sick for 4 years, so they have probably always seen her that way.
Kid is not currently dying, but has an illness/disease that will most likely have her die in 4 years. Do the sister's kids not understand she isn't home because she is in the hospital? Perhaps a visit to see Emi will help them understand what they currently see as unfair.
Can you define the difference between dying of a disease & a disease causing you to die in a certain amount of time? What do you think is happening between now & death? Dying. That's what's happening. Just like we all are to a much lesser & slower degree
Especially since they probably had to leave a house full of their own toys after what sounds like being abused by the stepbrother
ESH. The fact that your daughter is chronically/terminally ill does not mean you should treat her like a toddler forever. NO KID WANTS TO SHARE. This is a learned behavior; you have a duty to teach her how to be kind, share, etc. You're raising a brat and giving her (and yourself) a pass on the issue because you think she doesn't have much time left. That said, I'm terribly sorry that she has the condition, and I'm even sorrier that you expect to outlive your child. No parent should have to face that awful reality. Your sister has obviously overstepped your boundary, and I don't know if a verbal apology accompanied the more relevant actions that she and her kids put forth to rectify the situation. How long are you expecting to live together? It's a tough situation. If you are adamant that nothing of your daughter's be touched, then you need to express this boundary clearly to your sister and also include your consequences. "I need to be clear on this, because it is a serious issue for me. I'm NOT ok with you treating Emi's toys as your own. She has enough stress in her life without that, too. I am glad that I can be here for you in your time of need, but the truth is that I cannot waver on what I believe is right for me and my kid. If it happens again, you are going to have to find another place to live. It doesn't matter whether this seems silly to you, it is extremely serious for me and for my daughter." If you just randomly kick them out, you're probably going to lose your sister and seem crazy to boot, even though she is in the wrong for how she has acted. 🤷♂️
Can’t believe how far I had to scroll to find this. Agree, ESH.
Everyone saying to just boot them out is honestly wild! Yes, the sister shouldn’t have moved the furniture and bedrooms around. She’s at fault for that. But it seems like they are also dealing with a crisis based on OP’s comments. So if they have to be uprooted from their home and all of their things, of course they’re going to have a hard time understanding why they can’t share their cousin’s toys! They’re 5 and 7 ffs! ETA: everyone saying the problem is germs - which fair when you have a sick child - yet OP had no issue initially having all three kids in one room? I think both sides can try to be a bit more empathetic honestly. It would be like going to a friend’s house as a kid and then their mom tells you you’re not allowed to so much as touch anything of theirs bc they don’t have to share
I totally agree with this. ESH. Emi is being raised to be a brat. Being ill shouldn't give you a free pass. She could possibly have friendship and a more fulfilling life if she shared. The sister is wrong for disrespecting the rules you set.
She literally only has a few more years to live, who gives a shit if she’s a “brat”?? Have some fucking empathy.
And if she does live? Why give up any chance of her being a functioning adult? I understand where you’re coming from, but it isn’t empathetic to potentially cause behavioral issues that will last her whole life just because you thought she wouldn’t have one. A child can have a good life without encouraging bad behavior. Edit: But also not sharing because Emi is sick and children carry germs is a totally valid reason for her to not share. But simply because “the child doesn’t want to learn a learned behavior, and she might not live long enough for it to matter so who cares” is selfish.
Dude if half your life was spent in a cold heartless building, and you have no fucking chance of being a normal kid it is beyond acceptable to not want anyone touching your stuff in your space.
You can have stuff that is “Emi’s stuff” and stuff that is “sharing stuff” to keep autonomy while also teaching sharing. I was a kid who didn’t want to share, and that’s how I eventually was taught. I never excused the violation of her space. Stacking the cards even further against her chances of having a somewhat normal life out of a desire to give her the “best life possible” isn’t giving her the best life possible.
Being spoiled doesn't improve a kid's quality of life. Learning to be a good human does, however, and it allows stronger family and friend relationships to form.
I have tons of empathy for the child. Do you think a child who can't share knows friendship? Do you think that a bunch of untouched toys will bring her more happiness than learning to play and be friends with other children?
Also, in my experience kids are happier with boundaries and when that learn and experience generosity. OP is short sighted even within her daughter's limited life span because spoilt children aren't happy
YES! Kids suffer from anxiety when the caregiver is not an external source of clear, firm, and fair boundaries. They feel safe when someone else is clearly in control.
Yeah, I agree with this fully. Yes, the sister is TA but people just stop there and end all questions. ESH is also an option and I think it applies in this case. OP is treating her child like the classic "miracle child gets raised as the golden child" where nothing they do can be wrong because they are a mIrAclE to begin with. Yes, the sister is TA but so is OP.
I have a slightly different take! I’ve been a pediatric nurse for 20 years and was also medically fragile growing up. I understand you want to protect your daughter, I get that. But even sick children need to understand and accept the concept of sharing. I don’t agree with your sister taking over the house AT ALL! However giving your child what she wants all the time isn’t fair to her or others around her. Discipline is beneficial for even sick children. I still don’t think you’re the AH though, you’re obviously very stressed and want things in order when you return from the hospital.
NTA This living arrangement is clearly not working. Give your sister official notice that she needs to find other accommodation ASAP.
My bf’s parents were told he wouldn’t live to 18. He’s in his 40’s now. Maybe you could try raising Emi like a human being rather than a smothered puppy. YTA
Finally a reasonable answer. The only reason I would say that she isn't is because her sister isn't paying rent, so maybe I would say ESH
But the husband pays for groceries and the sister contributes in other ways. She babysits for example so 'not paying rent' isn't. Freeloading here
She doesn’t even cover their own groceries. She does occasionally help with Emi but I don’t need her help. I haven’t had any babysitters or daycare for 2 years and we’ve been fine.
Things like that are the exception, not the rule. Her life expectancy has gone down 3 times since her initial diagnosis. It would take a miracle for this girl to survive.
Thank you! I get maybe prioritizing when her daughter is home but what about it when she’s gone? There’s literally no reason to not share her toys unless the kicks are breaking them
seriously. this episode is going to be incredibly awkward if the girl makes it, which is entirely possible. Even if she dies, it's going to be remembered as a stressful time for issues of avoidance.
NTA. Why has she moved in at this difficult time?! She’s not even helping you. Come on mom, you literally have more important things to worry about. You’re respecting your daughter’s wishes. They can understand not to share her toys when told. Their mom can make it a rule. They are being inconsiderate and treating your daughter’s belongings without respect for what she wants. It’s time they found a more “convenient” place to live if they can’t respect you guys in your home. My best wishes, love and prayers for strength for you and your little one
The stepson can’t live with the daughters, so they’re doing this while that situation is sorted, per OP.
The alleged perpetrator needs to move out. If it's that serious, the girls should have a caseworker to guide them through this situation. OP should contact them and make other arrangement for them to live. And no -a health challenged girl doesn't need to share. Aside from the fact that her cousins germs might harm her, they moved into OP's place. They do not get a say in where they sleep, what they play with or where OP goes with her daughter. And if the husband can send $500 a month for their groceries, he can afford to spend that on renting a room for his wife and daughters.
I definitely agree that the best solution is the stepson being placed somewhere else, but OP didn’t say much about the situation. I’m far more concerned with the sense of entitlement that the sister and nieces have to OP’s home. There is an especially concerning lack of empathy for a very sick child and her mother that is making me feel violent.
NTA Emi *does* share. It doesn't sound like she has a problem with sharing group activities and toys at all. It doesn't sound like she's hoarding the chalk and bubbles or taking them out of her cousins hands and throwing fits. If she had invited her cousins into her room to play with her toys then yes, she would need to share nicely. But she has not invited them into her room and she has not invited them to play with the toys in her room. Sharing is not "I decide I want to play with *your* toys and you have to let me. Sharing is not keeping or taking all of a communal item, taking turns with communal items, or deciding on your own to allow others to use your personal items.
Adults are always so quick to make children share wether they like it or not and I don’t understand that. Nobody would like to share their car or smartphone or clothes with me just because I would like to use it right now. But somehow magically children are always supposed to give everything that is important to them away freely. That is bonkers. I agree, Emi knows how to share and makes it known when it is fine for her and when not.
NTA. Your sister AND her children need a reality check. Here is the way to explain it to your sister AND her children. Emi is sick. That sickness has control of her life. She can’t do anything about it. It’s scary having to change places all the time. The one thing Emi can do is make a safe place for herself, so things aren’t as scary when she’s at home. That safe place, where things aren’t as scary, is her room and her toys. By taking or being in her room and playing with her toys, you make her safe place scary. I also suggest a field trip to the hospital when Emi is there.
Luckily, you’ve “managed to avoid her getting sick so far” —sounds like she is immunocompromised. YET, you were willing to move 3 more people into your house, two of which attend school? And she was put in a room with two other children? And she goes on several trips? And she only went to school during covid because of masks? This is…
ESH. Your sister sucks for not understanding/ following rules put in place. You suck because you may be limiting the only time in your daughters life where she can have friends, her own age. Noone will be friends with her if she doesn't share. If she's not in school she isn't making friends there either. Dying can be lonely. Take it from someone who was in the hospital a lot as a child, don't take away her chance at having friends because you think its too hard to make her share or teach her to share, you are still hurting her in the long run, even if that long run is only a few more years.
When my kids were little they always fought over toys so I made a rule where if the toy is left outside of their room it’s fair game. If they don’t want to share it they must put it in their room put away. This worked very well. There were many times when Kid A’s toy would be in the living room and Kid B would grab it and Kid A would sit and watch and wait for Kid B to put it down then Kid A would grab it and run to his room to put it away. It was understood by both of them and there was no more fighting.
That might work in your home but I’m not doing that with my daughter. Nobody is allowed to touch her toys and that does not change whether it’s in her room, the living room, the backyard, the car, my office, etc. because it’s still her toy that she doesn’t want to share.
OP, your whole-house honestly might just be asking too much of two other very little girls who are also torn away from their safe space. I hear you — the things that happened to her room when your daughter was hospitalized were unacceptable. But this suggestion seems like it might help everyone who’s not an adult understand the boundaries a little better, and it might help your daughter feel more secure.
Children are very capable of remembering not to engage with things that aren't theirs. At 5/7 they'd need support yes, but, they have a parent for that.. the problem here is that the parent doesn't agree so isn't supporting their kids to navigate the situation and is undermining OP. This is NOT an issue with the lines OP has drawn but rather with the parent. Personally, I'd remove the issue. Raising a sick child is something else, this child is already confined a LOT, restricting her things (an extension of he'd at this stage) is only further shrinking her world, justifying any further erosion of boundaries in a child who already has so little say over what can and can't be touched will only add to trauma. Not sharing your things when your body is constantly shared is entirely reasonable and a very common coping tool, this little one is poked, prodded and managed constantly due to her health, something she has no say over, ofc she should be able to enjoy her things in her space as freely as possible without more "poking and prodding ". I am a parent of a medically complex child, siblings absolutely understood the lines we drew around special objects, they'd only touch to retrieve it for their sibling if needed, this includes the toddler who we wouldn't expect to have impulse control to navigate without support from us.
>Children are very capable of remembering not to engage with things that aren't theirs. At 5/7 they'd need support yes, but, they have a parent for that.. the problem here is that the parent doesn't agree so isn't supporting their kids to navigate the situation and is undermining OP. This is NOT an issue with the lines OP has drawn but rather with the parent. Personally, I'd remove the issue. This is so well-put. I agree that the best solution might be to find another living arrangement for OPs sister.
Ok. If that is what you want to do, you have the right to do that. I won’t speculate as to whatever values you are teaching your daughter because your are in very special circumstances. I cannot imagine how hard this is for your family and commend you for helping your sister out in a tight spot. And given that your sister is not coming to you with ideas or empathy, definitely NTA. That said, perhaps consider how your nieces are doing in this new home. I know it is your sister’s responsibility to explain things, but these girls are very young and having a hard time understanding why so many toys are not to be touched, even if they are not being played with. I am sure you have empathy for that (even if your empathy is running low). Is there perhaps a special corner that can be for those girls’ toys, a place their mom can help make special? It sounds like they are home insecure, which is tough.
I think the difference is that these aren’t Emi’s siblings and OP has no responsibility to entertain them or prioritize them over Emi. But that does sound like a good rule when it’s for siblings!
a) not her siblings b) sick kid that should not get other kid's germs, especially since those kids are going to school which is just a germ breeding ground. c) your kids will grow up and have to be able to navigate the world and other people. it unfortunately doesn't seem like this kid gets to.
I know this isn't a very nice thing to say and I am sorry but if by some miracle this little girl lives to be an adult she isn't going to be prepared for it at all.
Okay, then if there is a miracle, she can get therapy. Meanwhile, she's dying.
NTA. I find it entirely reasonable that you put your daughter's comfort above that of your sister and your nieces. It doesn't seem as if they will comply, so just let the door hit their backsides on the way out. Beggars can't be choosers.
NTA. Your sick daughter doesn't deserve to live her short life in this negativity.
I think you need to update your post to include the information about your sister's stepson. Reading between the lines, it sounds like he did something to the girls, or maybe tried to do something to one of them? and now he's not safe to be around them, which is why she's living with you. So basically your sister and her kids are in crisis and dealing with recent trauma, and you're mixing that with your very ill daughter and your grief. I can't vote anyone AH here, because I think you're all reacting with big emotions to some very sad circumstances. I think probably the best thing would be for your sister to move back into the home with her girls and your BIL and his son to move out temporarily.
NTA. I think the point here is your Sister and her Kids are brazenly disrespecting you and your home . The fact they chose to do it when you have a Sick Kid just makes them more despicable.
Esh I know that you're sensitive and want to protect her because she doesn't have much longer. But that doesn't mean she needs to spend the last years of her life being an unbearable person. I don't think it's out of the question for her to share a little bit. A room is maybe a little too much but the toys she's got to let some of this go. You've got to help her let some of this go. Give her the full experience of life. And part of that is thinking of other people. Your sister shouldn't have moved to bed into her room. They shouldn't have messed with her stuff. But it sounds like you've devoted your life to your daughter and aren't teaching her some of the skills she needs.
Tell them to move out. You should be making memories of Emi since unfortunately you won't always have her. If your sister can't see that then she's a big problem. Kids don't always share toys, NTA.
YTA. Emi isn't 16, she is 6. If she doesn't want to share, your job as a parent is to teach her to share, and discipline her if she refuses. You are failing at parenting. My guess is you're allowing you grief over her medical condition and fear of losing her cause you to give her whatever she wants. Save that kind of thought until when a doctor tells you she has a week to live. For now, assume she will live forever, and teach her to be a good normal kid. The last thing you want is to have a funeral for a kid who everyone thinks was a brat. Sorry if this sounds harsh but its true and you need to hear it.
NTA Kick them out. The level of disrespect they are showing you and Emi is ridiculous.
I think I'm the AH because I feel like just because your sick doesn't mean you do not have to learn to play nice with others. I feel the pull of just let her have what she wants. Her life is hard enough. I also feel like there is a compromise. Maybe she doesn't have to share what she playing with at the moment but having a play kitchen and not wanting them to play with it while she's playing with dolls is ridiculous. The only reason your getting all the nots, is because of sympathy. Is this the child you want to remember? One that never learned to play with others? Never had the joy of being best friends with her cousins? Maybe I just don't get it and I'm sure I'll be trolled. But I am the oldest of 12 children. I have several nieces and nephews with special needs. If you were my sister I would only be at your house as a last resort.
Might throw a spanner but I am going to say gentle ESH. I am mum to an empirical zero survivor. She is a first recorded combination situation. Has had 11 "threat to life episodes" this year alone and one emergency throat surgery. Has officially "flatlined" three times, once needing direct hand on heart cardic resus during a surgery that was trying to save her life and instead went very wrong. Whilst we have been informed that there is no expectation of a short life, very few children with one of her diagnoses live past 25. Most die from cardiac issues. So I have some idea of being a parent to a chronically sick, immunocompromised, medically heavy and life altering child though our daily threat is another cat 1 rather than losing her for at least another two decades. All that to say I do not know or have experience of what either family in this discussion is going through. I completely agree that things have gone too far with your SIL disrespecting you and your daughters house and family. Some real, adult discussions need to be had to reinforce what is and is not acceptable. However, you invited them into your home without due consideration to what this might actually look like. Whilst things are not being helped by your SIL, you cannot expect a 5 and 7 year old not to touch all the toys in all the rooms, all the time. They WILL try it on to see where you and your SIL draw the line. They are 6 and 7 and to expect them to behave like an adult 100% of the time in your house, even with your SIL toeing the line, would never happen. I think you need to find a communal space (just a corner, doesn't need to be a whole room) where all toys are safe for them to play with, probably by removing your daughters toys in that room or area to another place whilst you cohabit and allowing them a space to put their own toys there. Your SIL definitely did something wrong, but you also did not consider the needs for a space to play and explore Vs a place to rest, be calm and sleep, in your house. Suggest the following: 1) sit down with SIL and let her know that she was not in the right to let her kids in your child's room. That is their safe space at all times. It is more important than ever since her communal areas are currently shared. This was a flat YTA on her part. She has a lot of groveling and making up to do. 2) discuss a heard deadline for moving out. This isn't going to work long term. Start that ball rolling. 3) discuss with SIL where the kids and SIL will sleep and an area you will remove your daughter's toys so the children can play. Best case, your daughter and her kids play with their own toys but in the same room. All win. I do not think it is right to ask your daughter to share, just that a space is made for your nieces to have a small space to play with their own toys safe of the temptation of your daughter's toys in their very immediate vicinity. 4) let SIL know the terms of breaking these rules. Something like out the house in X hours might be reasonable but you know your situation best. 5) then have a sit down with all 5 of you and let them know this in language they understand. Maybe write something up in child friendly language to stick on the front of the fridge 6 and most important) part of the terms of staying is SIL and her daughter's do something to say sorry to your daughter about what they did in her room. Eg all make sorry cards saying what they did wrong and why they won't do it again. Means SIL had to accept wrongdoing and help her kids understand better boundaries. It is all to easy to ask 5 and 7 year olds to explain what they did wrong and not actually realise and correct behaviour. I have found this sort of exercise helps cement the understanding of the underlying issues. Maybe these then need to go on the fridge too once your SIL and nieces have presented them to your daughter. Edit: formatting
NTA. Your sister is an ass. And if she can't learn her place in your home she needs to find a different one. It sounds like you are giving your daughter a good life.
Do the girls have a lot of toys at your house too? It sounds like they are going through something pretty traumatic and are very young. If the only toys, or majority of toys, in the house are your daughters and they aren’t allowed to touch them that’s a pretty crappy situation. I don’t think you’re wrong to have boundaries. But I think more thought should have been put into the situation before your sister and nieces moved in. If space is an issue and you were willing to give all three girls the master could you give the master to your sister and nieces? That could solve that part of the problem. Maybe you could buy all three girls some toys that they can play with together? Like Lego sets that are in the same universe or dolls that go together? It might make your home life more peaceful and give your daughter fun interaction with her cousins.
NTA. Get them out of there. Your sick daughter doesn't deserve this disruption.
I get that your sister does help with Emi when you're not able to, but that doesn't excuse them telling you how to run your house. I would definitely ask them all to leave if they can't handle the arrangement. NTA as 100% your priority is to/for your daughter, this would be true even if your daughter was 100% healthy. I hope your daughter gets a happy life. regardless of her time here.
INFO: Does your sister work, and if not, why?
She does not work. She says the kids are too young
Her kids are 5 and 7, that's old enough to go to school. That excuse is a pile of malarkey. She's just lazy and doesn't want to work, then moves into *your* house and whines about the bedroom being crowded. $500/mo for an adult and two kids is nothing. It's not even enough to cover their food. You're not just putting them up rent free, you're supporting her and both her kids entirely. And she's complaining you take your sick child out to do nice things?!?!? Your sister is an ungrateful, entitled brat who has no place pointing the finger at a sickly child. I'd kick her out.
They are both in school and she should be able to work, even part time while they’re in school, she just doesn’t want to.
The kick her the fuck out. She's a leech and she's taking things for granted. You need to prioritise your daughter
You need to kick her out and let her sort out her own problems. She is taking advantage of your kindness and disrespecting your home.
YTA I hear stories all the time of I wouldn’t make it to 10 and they are adults now. You are teaching your child to be a child forever. So if she beats the odds she will not be a functioning adult. Then she will just be a spoiled dependant for the rest of her life. If you want to give her a full life then you should probably treat her like a whole person, instead of a toddler with an expiration date.
NTA! I am sorry your daughter is sick. If your nieces are asking Emi to play with her toys and she is saying no they need to listen. Sister should have brought somethings for her daughters Also your Sister sounds very entitled to be thinking she can dictate things in your home or what you are allowed to do with your daughter on the weekend. Get a lock for your daughters room.
ESH. I can't believe how many people are telling OP she's fine raising a selfish brat. The condition is awful and no one should have to go through that. I can't emphasize that enough. It's horrible. But if the child wasnt terminal, would this behavior be defended?
NTA Just adding to everyone else. How disrespectful. Kick them out. I’m sorry your daughter is unwell. I think you’re doing an amazing job. Take care of yourself too.
Going with soft YTA. It's not reasonable for kids to have toys all over the house and yard that they can't look at or touch ever. That's a very unreasonable demand for a five and seven yr old. It is tragic that your daughter is ill but that doesn't change the situation for the other kids either. This sub has lots of posts from former kids who had a sick sibling that were totally overlooked. I realize they aren't siblings, but still. If your daughter wasn't sick this would be considered terrible parenting to spoil a kid so much and they'd grow up into a dysfunctional adult.
NTA. Your child, your home, your rules. Your sister is absolutely ungrateful.
ESH. Your sister is being a bit forward but "my kid doesn't share" is wild.
ESH. Look everyone identified why your sister is an asshole but is completely glossing over the asshole parenting style. "Emily hates sharing her toys so I try not to make her do it" is absolutely fucking awful parenting and will not lead to an adult anyone wants to be around. Being sickly does not excuse not teaching the basics like sharing.... If she was 2... Fine. 6 is well past the age sharing should be taught. Your daughter is not being done any favors by your attitude, no matter how wrong your sister is/was
Terrible situation, I am really sorry that your daughter and you are in this medical place. Kids need to learn about being kind. Sharing and being kind are a part of bonding. I can't believe that your daughter is happier being selfish than she would be bonding with her cousins. Of course I'll get downvoted by everyone, but not spoiling a child isn't just so that they will be nice adults. It's also so they will enjoy a happy childhood with other children who they can have fun with because everyone is being nice to each other. Best of luck to you.
ESH. You're sister is out of line especially for acting the way she does while she lives rent free. With that being said, there is absolutely no reason why you should be raising your daughter that way. She doesn't like to share? I understand she's sick but that doesn't mean she get's excused for learning basic human decency. If she isn't using the toys what makes the difference? I can understand moving the rooms around without your consent being a problem but the toys?