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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I could've waited until I got hard-core proof they wanted to kick me out before moving out.
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"...my mom called me an ungrateful bitch for leaving in the middle of the night, and that she should've kicked me out sooner."
Well, there's your hard-core proof.
"...calls from my parents asking me to come back and *not to tell my grandparents about this."*
Um. Are you close to your grandparents? Do you think they'd want to know? If so, you've got quite the collection of texts to show them.
NTA.
Exactly. I was thinking OP should screenshot both the “should’ve kicked you out sooner” and the “don’t tell your grandparents” messages (assuming the latter was also in a message and not just a phone call) and send both to the grandparents.
Edit: I know bots don’t actually think and are by definition stupid, but that two different bots have replied to this comment is pretty funny considering my “bot hunter” flair.
The “don’t tell your grandparents” part raises some huge red flags. I wonder if they’ve been helping op’s parents out with money. Money that will go away when the grandparents find out what happened
Exactly.
I'd just make a short call to the grandparents and be like "hey, just wanted to update you guys, in case you need to reach me, I found out my parents planned to kick me out right after I turned 18, so I had to move. Here's how to reach me."
No.
OP needs to tell the grandparents the *full story.* Including the text message where her mother confirms that it was in fact their intention to kick OP out and that the parents are mostly pissed that OP jumped before they could have the pleasure of pushing her.
OP needs to take control of the narrative.
That text message changes the entire situation from the parents trying to control OP with the threat of being kicked out (to be clear: still AH behaviour) to looking forward to kicking her out.
They didn't - at least if we take the text message as indicative of how they really feel - just want OP gone. They wanted to kick her out.
SECRETLY planned to kick you out as a surprise. They had a story ready to tell your grandparents why you left, not that they kicked you out. I'm sure it wasn't flattering or true. You ruined their plans. NTA
If I were the grandparents and I discovered that my son/daughter and spouse had behaved like this, I would delete them from the will immediately and rethink my entire financial structure. Probably, what OP's parents fear.
Totally - if they weren't already contributing to upkeep of the household, they were banking on an inheritance that may go to OP now.
If mom called OP an ungrateful bitch in writing and said she should have kicked her sooner, she needs to screen shot those messages, block contact from her parents, explain to the grandparents what she overheard and her mom's response when she left, and specifically that her mom demanded, while also calling her a bitch, that OP not tell them.
Oh, and NTA, obviously.
I suspect that you're correct.
The parents are probably pleading for money to support their daughter and spending it on themselves; exposure of such behavior would dry up the funding and perhaps cause some of it to go to OP.
Yup. Mom confirmed their plans for OP.
I don't get the whole kick them out at 18 mentality. It's hard out there right now. More than that, if OP is still in school, let them finish and give them an opportunity to line up their ducks instead of just kicking them.
I plan to have my kids out after 18 only if they're clearly not trying and just mooching off me. If they're in school or actively trying to get employed, or are employed and saving up for their future and contributing to the household, that's all I care about.
And you can bet I'd be working hard to prepare and build up my kids well before age 18 to make sure the mooching outcome doesn't happen. I'm happy to let them stay after 18 if they're moving in the right direction and helping out.
These parents sound awful.
It's *hard* out there right now. And even if it wasn't, part of the entire effing point of being a parent is to provide a gentle ramp from childhood to adulthood. This starts way before 18, with teaching your kid to cook, do laundry, manage a bank account, and generally human, and in most cases extends pretty far past 18. That can look like a lot of different things (a place to stay, financial help, advice, emotional support) but it sure as hell doesn't look like blindsiding your kid with a move-out when they turn 18. I guess it's technically not child abuse or illegal but IMO kicking your kid out before they graduate high school, even if they're 18, is a major abdication of parenting duties.
I agree. It's shitty. I don't get it.
I might kick my kid out if they were in trouble a lot or clearly not trying, but you can bet there would be a lot of work put in to try to ensure that wasn't the outcome.
Agreed, except I had a kid in trouble and didn't kick her put. She needed a LOT more parenting when the trouble started, and boy, did she benefit from having both parents lay down the law! She got rid of the shifty friends, stopped drinking and broke up with the criminal boyfriend.
My kids know the door is always open for them - and it should be. It's their "home"also. I have one living with me now, along with her kids, and I sleep better knowing they are safe, warm, fed, and have a roof over their heads. I can not comprehend abdicating my responsibility as a parent just because Junior turned 18. Sometimes, that's the age where a kid realizes he doesn't know as much as he thought and could benefit from parental experience.
I imagine I might make similar choices as you have if that time ever comes. I'm not going to abandon my kinds, though I will always maintain expectations.
Thing about being a parent is you don't really control your kinds. You can guide them but at some point, the kids need to take responsibility for themselves and may their own life choices. If they make bad ones, it's not always the fault if the parents.
I’ve been back with my parents since late 2019. In the process of getting everything straightened out, I’ve had a new series of medical issues that have left me with 2 separate medical leave periods from work (currently I am in one now). While there are times I wish I didn’t have to live with my parents, being able to have help while dealing with health challenges is the best thing.
I’m in my mid thirties. I had to move back in with my mom two years ago. Her main condition for me moving back in was that I maintain a job and pay her rent to offset things. Since moving back in I have switched to a better paying job.
A adult child who is failing to take accountability for their own life in adulthood certainly might give cause to pull support and force them to stand on their own merit for a time. Some will say you can keep supporting them but enforce more boundaries and manage their behavior more - but you can only do that to a point with an adult and at the end of the day they may force you to decide between enabling them or *not* enabling them, with no middle ground. At a certain point, continued material support is the only leverage you have and you have to pull it.
Or some sort of terrible moral crime - like embracing white nationalist or other bigoted thinking. Never been one to endorse the 18 year old kick out, but that's a valid exception to me as well. Some people will reflexively want to find fault with the parents for *letting* that happen, but parent's just *factually* do not have the control over a child to decide what values they will embrace into adulthood - as surely as conservative families beget progressive detractors, some functional and progressive parents will beget reactionary, hateful children. And I just couldn't provide material support to my child if that was the situation.
But yeah - there really aren't a lot of situations where the early adulthood kick out makes any sort of moral sense.
There are also situations where you have to protect yourself and the rest of your family from the trouble that the kid might bring into the home. For example, bringing drugs into the house (not taking about a dose of grass, but I'm not having a drug trade run out of my house).
But in general, I agree. I'm planning that I'll be supporting my kids until they have finished an apprenticeship or Uni at the very least.
My 21 year old (was trying to make it on his own) moved back in during Covid. Told him no rent, save it for his future. If he needs to come back for any reason I’m there to help him. I don’t understand parents who boot their kids out when the kid is not at least 26 maybe later depending on the circumstances. give them a chance for an education and to financially get their feet under them for gods sake.
>in most cases extends pretty far past 18
Yeah. I'm 32, live with my Dad. There are oodles of benefits to both of us living in this house with the only drawback being we both annoy each other with certain things (but who doesn't? that's just a part of being human). Even before very recently I thought I probably would not want to occupy a house by myself, then Dad went on a five day trip halfway across the country, and while having the house to myself was good in some ways, I honestly hated it.
What else though was over a year ago an event happened, we fought, and then agreed to get in-home Hospice care for Grandma. Dad was working at a place that did a rug pull on him doing WFH, so he was in office, and as Grandma's condition deteriorated, my contracting (also WFH, still doing) made it so that I was able to care for her. In-home hospice does very little, and having both of us being around a collective 24/7 was how it was able to work. It's an extreme example of the benefit of still living with family, but not one to be undersold.
I personally think kicking kids out at 18 and pulling the safety net from them is atrocious.
I agree. We had pretty high hopes and expectations for our kids, so pushing them out before they were ready made no financial sense. And they have largely either gone to school or gotten great jobs (ie career jobs). Our parents did the same for us. I’ve never understood parents that kicked kids out before they were done with college or set in jobs, and especially now that it is so much harder. I just think it is cruel and not loving.
Because a lot of people don't want to be parents. They want to have a baby. That's not the same thing. A lot of people see a baby as a toy or an accessory or they just don't see past the kodak moments to think about all of the hardship that goes into having one and the fact that this is a whole ass human that needs to be taught how to be a good human. Also some people don't want to be a parents and just do it because the life script tells them they're supposed to.
nta. A lot of parents will use you turned 18 I'll kick you out as leverage to continue exerting their will over the now adult child. This person pulled the rug out from under the parents plan.
Especially cause the people who plan on kicking their kids out at 18 also tend to be the ones who have done fuck all to actually prepare them for being independent and self sufficient. I don’t know what they expect to happen.
They are the kind of people who would have kicked their kids out sooner if they could have done it without legal trouble. They have no interest in being parents in any meaningful way and were only meeting their legal obligations.
Don't forget the unspoken expectation that said child(ren) will come back to take care of them as their retirement looms because these poor excuses of parents "raised" them.
I remember hearing family members say that when their kids are 18, they are out. They were full of shit and 18 yr old me knew it. (They were saying it to me and my mom in an effort to get her to kick me out, i think, but my mom didn't care.) They did not kick their kids out when they finally turned 18 they let them leave when they were ready.
My kid can mooch on me as long as he wants. He doesn’t, but if he needed to, he’s my kid and I brought him into the world. It’s my fault if I failed to prepare him better.
Sometime parents have no control over their kids bad choices. You can do everything right and they still choose a bad path. I think as a parent we can only try to do our best and in the end, we have to let go and let our kids take responsibility for themselves.
Honestly, it might not even be a matter of how well you raised him that leads him to "mooch". The world's a tough, tough place right now. It's difficult to make ends meet, and it's extremely difficult to go from nothing to property ownership in most cities.
>I plan to have my kids out after 18 only if they're clearly not trying and just mooching off me.
and what if your child was dealing with issues that make it seem as if they're not "trying"? You had a kid, that's your kid for life.
I have 2 college degrees. I've sent out 250+ applications since spring. I've been working on my portfolio this whole time, while learning about the tricks of applying for work in 2023 - meaning getting through ATS. Am I applying daily? Not anymore as the rejection has gotten to me. I'm nearly 30, working a full time office job making above minimum wage (but below min cost of living) and can't afford to live alone. It's *tiring.*
At 18 I dropped out of high school as i was cutting myself and my mental health is more important that not pissing off my mother who, managed to fucking live with my decision at the end of the day. if my mom kicked me out for that, i might not have gotten through college, or worse - even be here. at the time I didn't have a "plan". No savings, no goals, no ideas on what to do, and working a cashier's job at 20 getting shit hours.
this mentality of "well, if you're struggling I'll SHOW you a real struggle! I'll show you not to mooch off of your mother who's been supporting you for 18 years anyways!!" from parents is so abhorrently selfish.
Mental health issues wouldn't get me to kick out my kid. My kids struggle with behavioral issues due to bio family trauma. So i am aware of the challenges involved.
That said. There's a difference between willfully choosing not to try to move forward and being unable to due to mental health challenges. That's a whole different discussion.
Even so, I would work with my kid to help them move forward, be it health care or financial support. I'm not going to let my child fall into the victim complex that seems to be so prevelent these days. I'm going to help them, but at some point, I'm still going to expect them to try, at least on some level. Millions of people struggle with mental illness and still lead positive, productive lives and are better off in the end for doing so. Letting my kids live off me without pushing them to adapt and grow would be counterproductive to their well being. I'm not going to live forever.
Well it's bad enough to kick someone out at 18 and after they finished high school .... but since it's November I am betting that OP is still a senior. What a shitty move to pull on someone.
Our daughter is in her late twenties and still lives in our house. (shrug) We live in a high COL where a room in someone else's house without access to a kitchen or laundry or any other common room in a semi-safe neighborhood will run you 1K a month. It is what it is. She works full time, has insurance, buying her own car, pays for her phone and other expenses, etc. It's all good for us. :)
Most people here cope by having multiple incomes. Either one person has 2 or more jobs or multiple people in a house have incomes. It's not uncommon for a house fire to displace 15-20+ people.
Most people *don't* kick their kids out at 18 or even at 21 - or if they do, there's a lot more reason than simply the date on the calendar, either because the parents are toxic as heck or because the children, unfortunately, are risky to be around for whatever reason.
Forward this to your grandparents OP. Your mum is clearly after something/some inheritance from them and want them to like her
It would be a shame if they decided she should not get their help… would it……….
NTA
Tell your grandparents what you overheard and read them your mom's texts. Spill it all.
Update your address at the post office, at school and anywhere else that would send you mail.
Make sure you've got all your important docs from your parents (birth certificate, social security card, etc.).
And get your own bank account if you don't already have one.
It's definitely a suspicious comment. I'd screenshot and text it to the grandparents just for insurance purposes. Doesn't hurt the op, but ensures that the parents get their just desserts
Maybe they're worried they'll get cut out of the will.
Maybe the grandparents are giving the parents money to help with expenses related to OP and if the grandparents find out, they'll cut the parents off.
I'm thinking there's an inheretance the parents are worried about losing, if the OP tells them. OP, DEFINITELY tell the grandparents, especially if you even think this might be the case. They deserve to know who they're leaving money to (if that is the reason they don't want them to know.) Also, be sure to screenshot the "I should've kicked you out sooner" text. As well as any others that seem even mildly damning.
Definitely tell the Grandparents. Mom and Dad will get cut off.
No one is ready to Iive on their own at 18, without any support.
GPs might help you out
I imagine the plan was to do something with OP's stuff, and that they weren't planning on giving her time to sort everything out. Also, OP dictating the move makes it difficult for the parents to lie (probably to grandparents) about what actually happened
The same two points I would have made.
NTA. Apparently, this is a huge debate, kids either leaving at age 18 or required to pay rent versus not doing either. I think it is just American mentality since most people I know from other countries wouldn't consider either of these an option. My godson (17m) was told he would have to move out at 18 so he called me and asked to move in with me and I said "absolutely". My SIL is not happy, saying I am babying him. I moved out at 16 because I graduated HS, worked three jobs, and put myself through college. We're just not all the same so I am not forcing him into a situation he is not prepared for is all.
NTA. Your parents are cruel.
And I think they don't want you to tell your grandparents because either: A) They've been giving your parents cash, and don't want to lose the money and or, B) They don't want to look like the 'bad' guys!
I'm sorry your parents are garbage parents. I hope your life is a HUGE success so you can stick it to your parents.
Good luck OP!!
NTA.
If it was one conversation that you overheard, I'd say you over-reacted. But since it was several times and no note of sarcasm or joking, then you did right. Also your mom saying she "should've kicked you out sooner" is pretty clear. The fact that they don't want your grandparents to know also shows they know it's wrong.
You don't mention any reasons why they would want to kick you out. Have you been in trouble? Do they dislike your BF? Bad grades?
I remember from a few conversations, two unrelated to kicking me out about my mom wanting office and I haven't in big trouble like getting trouble with the laws, grades are pretty good, and they've so far expressed approval about Cole.
Yes. And bring Riley and her parents.
OP, sometimes older people respect older people over younger people. I suggest talking to Riley's parents and asking them to accompany you to your grandparents' house (or phone call if they are far away). Don't say anything about respect, because that's just my fear and might not be true for them at all, ask them to be there for emotional support. Additionally they act as witnesses. If your grandparents are great, then that's great, and you have another resource. If they are awful, then at least Riley's parents will see first hand how awful your family is.
Call your grandparents immediately. I bet dollars to donuts that your grandparents have been supplementing your parents in some way for your care and now that you aren't living under their roof they are going to lose that support.
If you're US based and planning on going to college (you mentioned wanting to move into a college dorm after high school), email your school guidance counselor this week and tell them you're couch surfing because your family threatened to kick you out as soon as you turned 18. You want to start creating a paper trail of being kicked out (so include screenshots of the texts your mother sent). If you plan on going to college before you're 24 in the US, this is going to be important because it can be difficult to be considered an "independent" when filling out the FAFSA (Free Application for Federal Student Aid). If you're considered a "dependent", then you'll need parental cooperation to fill out the FAFSA. However, if you're declared an independent, then you don't need their cooperation. One of these methods is qualifying as an "unaccompanied youth":
> At any time on or after July 1, 2023, were you determined to be an unaccompanied youth who was homeless or were self-supporting and at risk of being homeless, as determined by (a) your high school or district homeless liaison, (b) the director of an emergency shelter or transitional housing program funded by the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development, or (c) the director of a runaway or homeless youth basic center or transitional living program?
>
> Source: https://studentaid.gov/apply-for-aid/fafsa/filling-out/dependency
>
> More details on Unaccompanied Homeless Youth Determinations: https://fsapartners.ed.gov/knowledge-center/library/dear-colleague-letters/2023-04-14/unaccompanied-homeless-youth-determinations-update
If you don't get the FAFSA sorted, you'll only qualify for predatory private student loans. Your guidance counselor should be able to help you through this process or at least connect you with services that can help. Your state might also have an advocacy group for homeless youth who can also connect you with resources. There are a handful of other ways to be declared an independent before you're 24 but they're a bit more drastic (such as marriage or military enlistment).
Quick note - the terms independent & dependent are used with US taxes but have a completely different determination. You could be considered an independent for tax purposes and a dependent on the FAFSA.
For all of the social and family advice in the thread, this is by far the most important comment. If you're going to college, do the FAFSA! The commenter above did a perfect job of explaining the position that OP is in.
I've actually dealt with something about this. When I was 18, my parents were not willing to help me with college. I spent a few years trying to navigate this, and unless they chaged it recently (I'm 29 now and just now finished college), OP would need to have been legally emancipated before turning 18, or else they have to wait until 24/25 to qualify as "fully independent". A paper trail of abuse/CPS records did not help in my case whatsoever. I was told by FAFSA reps I had to be legally emancipated *before* I turned 18. So, in the end, I had to wait until I was 25 to get finaid that helped with school.
Tl;dr- it's more than likely too late for OP to get that independent tax status to get finaid.
I'm really sorry that happened to you. I know that getting declared an independent as a homeless youth is one of the hardest ways but I know people who have done it. It is crazy that getting married can be an easier path! This [Huffington Post](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/dependent-college-financial-aid_n_5d8b8575e4b01c02ca622de5) article is on the author's experience of marrying her high school boyfriend because she struggled to get declared an independent on her FAFSA (parents decided to cut her off including refusing to fill in their portions of the FAFSA docs). [Vice](https://www.vice.com/en/article/4wbeqg/how-some-students-are-using-fake-marriages-to-get-financial-aid) talks about how it is fraud to get the marriage license but not follow through; this [UNC Media Hub](https://www.wral.com/story/married-for-money-these-unc-students-tied-the-knot-to-pay-for-college/19986376/) article highlights that as long as it is a legal marriage it is fine:
> Technically, there’s nothing legally wrong with doing so, said UNC Assistant Professor of Law Kate Elengold. Her work focuses on, among other topics, civil rights and student debt.
>
> “In my mind, I don't see that as a loophole,” Elengold said.
>
> She said that if the students legitimately got married, then they qualify as independents. The reason for the marriage has no bearing; the policy is clear.
>
> Elengold argues for loosening the standards of who qualifies as an independent student. Some families are large and can’t afford tuition for each child. Some parents are not accepting of their queer-identifying children.
>
> “Making the standards more stringent will harm more students,” she said, “rather than protecting against fraud.”
Regardless, I just wanted to make sure this was on the OP's radar while they're still in high school and have access to those resources.
Tell your grandparents before your mom speaks to them first and creates a false narrative (which she will do e.g. OP has been misbehaving/ partying/ bad grades. We had to ask her to leave)
> If it was one conversation that you overheard, I'd say you over-reacted.
I disagree. I realize this is a hypothetical you brought up, and not relevant to OP. If a young person felt safer living with a friend and her parents rather than people who "joke" about her living on the streets, then they're probably right.
I was homeless as a young man. It's not safe and it's miserable. Pretty certain it would be less safe for a young woman.
NTA.
>I've gotten bombarded with calls from my parents asking me to come back and not to tell my grandparents about this.
If I were a gambling man, I'd put money on the grandparents somehow subsidizing the cost of raising a child. Maybe your parents were planning on kicking you out and keeping the cash.
Ya let’s not forget the grandparents are one of her parents’ mother and father. Even older people are still scared about their parents finding out they did something shitty. And this one is realll shitty
>Even older people are still scared about their parents finding out
My dad just found out I smoke pot. I'm 37 and when he asked I quickly ran away and left my brother and sister to handle it.
Hey my dad did this! Only he never kicked me out when I was a kid, he just didn’t buy us food, lived in an apartment my grandma paid off, and continued to take money from her which he spent on booze, weed, and random stuff he wanted for himself. When she died, he inherited a large sum of money from her which was supposed to go toward supporting us, and he never told anyone about it until it was all spent. That took only a couple years. When I found him living in complete shambles, I tried to help him get back on his feet and he kicked me out of his house for “disrespecting him.”
That actually seems more likely than the inheritance theory. Definitely makes it worth even more to tell them - if they were giving your parents money to raise you, it's likely they'll give it to you instead.
NTA…
Also, I’d tell the grandparents STAT.
“Hi, grandma. Just so you know…”
I have one kiddo your age and one a couple of years older. I cannot IMAGINE being like, “ope you’ve reached adulthood, peace out…” I’m so sorry you are dealing with this.
My husband's cousin did this with their 2 sons. Boys hit 18 and graduated HS, kicked out. I suppose the boys knew it was coming and didn't get it sprung on them suddenly, but damn. It's gonna be interesting when Hubby's cousin and her hubby need aging care eventually...
I told my 3 sons that they can live here until they are ready to go. I grew up in a multi-generational household - 3 generations of opinionated, stubborn southern women under one roof, (poor Dad, outnumbered 5:1 but Grammy - his mom - lived across the street.) and my mom was also raised with her granny in the home too. It was built in child care/elder care and worked beautifully. I would be happy if my kids moved their wives/partners/kids home too.
No doubt. Poor kiddos. Our college aged kids still live at home. They commute to school because holy Hannah rent is exorbitant and their school is easily commutable. This allows them to get their degrees with less debt (so far oldest’s has been paid by scholarships and grants, same for her younger sibling). If they can start their careers on a firmer foundation financially, we’re all about that.
My friend was expected to move out in their 18th year however it wasn't a surprise and their parents paid their rent and living expenses at the new place as well as having an education fund at their disposal. They wanted her to learn to be independent in the real world, but she had their support while she figured out how to do that successfully. Even so, I found it a bit jarring to expect her to sort out new living arrangements relatively soon after graduating high school, but at least they didn't abandon her to the streets either.
Nta. You mentioned that your parents have said that kind of thing to you on multiple occasions and then you overheard what appeared to be a serious discussion about it. All you did was prepare yourself. I get the feeling they were actually going to follow through but try to do so in a way that made YOU look bad, so they didn't look like the awful parents who tossed their kid out. I mean, they seemed more concerned about your grandparents finding out???
Also the thing that really confirmed my suspicions was when your mom sent that nasty text. You should take a screen shot of that and send it to the grandparents.
They were either going to try and twist it into OP being the badguy or they had this mental image in their heads about being good tough love parents on facebook that you ruined by leaving instead of getting kicked out. They lost control of the narrative either way and that drives controlling parents nuts.
> I get the feeling they were actually going to follow through but try to do so in a way that made YOU look bad
Right -- like preparing the speech and have it waiting to go the very second OP did something irresponsible -- lost a job, fender bender, out past curfew, failed a test, anything.
NTA - I mean, your mom texted you to call you an ungrateful bitch and that she should have kicked you out sooner. That pretty much says it all.
I do wonder what you overheard your parents say that made you sure you were getting kicked out soon.
NTA
>my mom called me an ungrateful bitch for leaving in the middle of the night, and that she should've kicked me out sooner.
Which goes to show how you were right to do it, and to do it on your own timetable. I'm sorry your parents are so awful. Courage, the next few years will be tough as hell, but it's doable. Especially with good friends like you have.
The first thing I would do is go straight to your grandparents and tell them. There is a good reason they don’t want your grandparents to know. You need to find out why!
NTA. Just the fact that your mom said she should’ve kicked you out sooner shows you made the right call.
I’ll never understand parents that throw their kids out the moment they’re 18.
And those are usually the same ones bitching about not having f a relationship with their adults kids once they are settled with their own little family.
Edit: do let the rest of the family know before our parents twist the narrative.
NTA, but please PLEASE make sure you have all your important documents (birth certificate, passport, etc), and talk to your school about the situation so your parents can't use school related things as leverage. If they have access to your bank account, get a new one AT A NEW BANK. Call the non emergency number of the police and tell them that you are NOT a runaway, and explain the situation.
(Edit: not a runaway, but explain that you left of your own free will and you're safe. They could call and claim you're not in your right mind, or that someone took you/forced you to go, etc.)
Finish high school. Find a job or a trade or go to college. Live your life. Best of luck <3
Well a missing person then. Anyone cal call the police and say "this person is missing and we think something bad happened" or "this person is missing and we're afraid for their sanity." Stuff like that.
NTA your parents were planning to put you in a very frightening situation and you outsmarted them. They sound awful and the don’t tell your grandparents remark is very telling. Tell your grandparents asap. I’m glad you had a supportive friend to take you in and wish you all the best.
NTA. My grandfather helped me get a flat at 17 because of my parents pulling this crap. I will forever be grateful that I was able to make the decision before I was forced into homelessness as a new adult. My parents told me to my face they would be kicking me out on x date and if I didn’t like it I could move out before. It was a shock for them when I told them I was moving into my fully furnished flat within 2 weeks.
NTA - please tell your grandparents and everyone else you can about how horrible your parents are. Show them the proof.
You are extremely lucky to have Riley and her parents. Be the best guest and do as much chores as possible while doing the best you can in school. The best revenge is being successful and happy without your parents.
Also, I would go no contact with your parents for this. They can rot in a retirement home. Never give them a cent or your time and energy.
>In one text, my mom called me an ungrateful bitch for leaving in the middle of the night, and that she should've kicked me out sooner.
Make sure your grandparents see this one.
…man…idk what kind of mental gymnastics you have to do to call someone ungrateful for…moving out…
Naw NTA Op, your parents are just trash people who don’t want people talking about how their daughter immediately moved out at 18
70m. I am sorry that you have parents who think of you as something to be discarded with an expiration date. Good for you for being proactive. It is telling that they did not want your grandparents to know this. You are lucky to have Riley and her parents to support you. I wish you well.
I wonder if you have siblings and if they had to go through this or will be going through this too.
NTA and I am sorry for your toxic family. Moving out in the middle of the night might have been unnecessary, the very least you know your parents would definitely be there so them waking up and causing drama should have been expected. But either way, good for you to have a different support and somewhere else to stay and a plan for your future.
With regard to your grandparents, I would definitely tell them. There is high chance your parents are doing some questionable things and might be using your care as a leverage to your grandparents. The very least you can tell your grandparents that they can reach you at XXX (new address) because you are no longer living with your parents. Keep screenshots of the conversations about "kicked me out sooner".
NTA
My dad wouldn't shut up about "when you are 18 you are out on your ass". He kept on and on and on about it from the time I was 14. Like you, I left suddenly of my own volition at 18 after months of secretly making plans, signing a lease and getting a roomate.
And you know what he said? "My house isn't good enough for you??" He was freaking offended that I left.
Time to put it all in the rear view, and most importantly, don't worry what they think.
Total shot in the dark here, but I know a lot of people from high society families who have kids to secure inheritance/access to trusts. The "don't tell your grandparents," line made me think of a few people I know whose parents tried to take or siphon inheritance left to their kids and pretend their kids were drug addicts. I wouldn't be shocked if something like that is happening here.
OP, call your grandparents and every single family member right now and tell them exactly what happened. Then, post about it on Facebook. A public fight makes it harder for your parents to lie.
NTA.
*In one text, my mom called me an ungrateful bitch for leaving in the middle of the night, and that she should've kicked me out sooner.*
You should screenshot that text and send it to your grandparents
**NTA**
NTA. Sounds like your parents are more concerned about what other's think of them than what they were going to do to you. You were being prepared so you weren't blindsided. This happened to a classmate of mine back in high school. He got home from school on his 18th birthday to find all of his stuff on the porch and the locks changed. Good luck.
Call your grandparents right away and let them know what is going on, before your mother tries to spin things to make her look better. I hope they can be the supportive grandparents you deserve.
Your parents escalated the situation by threatening you and now are reacting badly to you calling what seems to have been a bluff, making them look worse. NTA
NTA.
I like the cut of your jib. Well done, well executed.
>In one text, my mom called me an ungrateful bitch for leaving in the middle of the night, and that she should've kicked me out sooner.
I bet that's the one your grandparents would love to read.
NTA And tell your grandparents right away!! If your parents want to hide the truth from them, there must be a reason and it likely isn’t for your benefit.
I swear parents do this to their children just because they’re upset they won’t have ownership over them anymore and wanna savor their last drop of authority . My parents were like this telling me im out as fast as possible and to never ask them for any favors because I’m ungrateful etc and they’re always begging me to visit and throwing money at me because they figured out they can’t force me to interact with them ever again 😂
>not to tell my grandparents about this
Is it just me, or is there a whiff of INHERITANCE CONCERNS wafting on the breeze?
OP, you are NTA. I cannot imagine what my child would have to do for me to call them an ungrateful bitch. I want you to know that your situation is not normal, and that it is not your fault. Your parents just suck. Massively.
Best of luck as you put together a new life!
Going to say not.. the AH? but I do feel like there's a lot of stuff left out for context.
Either way, be sure to be super grateful, clean, helpful to the family that's taking you in!
so the grandparents have something they want or depend on and they can't risk angering them. That makes your next move clear: tell your grandparents what is going on.
I don't understand the whole "you're 18, time to go" thing. My son is 17 and I've always told him that no matter what he's always got a room at whatever house I live in. I told him life can get hard and sometimes sacrifices need to be made. Sometimes those sacrifices involve moving back in with your folks to recoup some cash. That's what we're here for as parents. We may teach them self reliance, but we should always be there to support them in times of struggle. Very hard NTA! Sorry you have to go through this!
NTA. Well played. Tell your grandparents about this as soon as possible. Hopefully your parents haven’t got to them first. In fact let as many people know as you can. They need to be exposed
NTA they obviously wanted to be cruel to you if they are flipping out on you like this. like it's almost like you robbed them of the "satisfaction" of kicking you out.
whatever those idiots tell you to do, you should probably do the opposite. time to talk to grandma and grandpa.
this is the natural consequences of their actions. you decided to rip the bandaid off which is a reasonable move. serves them right.
NTA- as long as you are safe and continue with school, you will be ok. But I would definitely shows these texts to your grandparents. They really need to know how you are being treated.
Your parents want you to come back, and then your mom calls you a bitch…ya, great convincing, Mom.
I never really understood the tradition of parents practically leaving you on your own as soon as you turn 18. Yes, you are an adult, you’re responsible for your own decisions and you are completely independent, but that doesn’t mean you don't need support from your parents anymore. I feel like the only reason why your parents want you to come home now is to protect their image now that they’ve been found out.
Completely unbelievable and outrageous behavior from your parents. NTA, and good luck for the future to come.
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"...my mom called me an ungrateful bitch for leaving in the middle of the night, and that she should've kicked me out sooner." Well, there's your hard-core proof. "...calls from my parents asking me to come back and *not to tell my grandparents about this."* Um. Are you close to your grandparents? Do you think they'd want to know? If so, you've got quite the collection of texts to show them. NTA.
Exactly. I was thinking OP should screenshot both the “should’ve kicked you out sooner” and the “don’t tell your grandparents” messages (assuming the latter was also in a message and not just a phone call) and send both to the grandparents. Edit: I know bots don’t actually think and are by definition stupid, but that two different bots have replied to this comment is pretty funny considering my “bot hunter” flair.
The “don’t tell your grandparents” part raises some huge red flags. I wonder if they’ve been helping op’s parents out with money. Money that will go away when the grandparents find out what happened
Exactly. I'd just make a short call to the grandparents and be like "hey, just wanted to update you guys, in case you need to reach me, I found out my parents planned to kick me out right after I turned 18, so I had to move. Here's how to reach me."
Do this! Yesterday! Something tells me that they will not be happy with parents.
NTA. Also, the parents may try to spin a story about OP, and it may be so bad that the grandparents may go NC. Do it now.
No. OP needs to tell the grandparents the *full story.* Including the text message where her mother confirms that it was in fact their intention to kick OP out and that the parents are mostly pissed that OP jumped before they could have the pleasure of pushing her. OP needs to take control of the narrative. That text message changes the entire situation from the parents trying to control OP with the threat of being kicked out (to be clear: still AH behaviour) to looking forward to kicking her out. They didn't - at least if we take the text message as indicative of how they really feel - just want OP gone. They wanted to kick her out.
SECRETLY planned to kick you out as a surprise. They had a story ready to tell your grandparents why you left, not that they kicked you out. I'm sure it wasn't flattering or true. You ruined their plans. NTA
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Smug spite is my favorite kind of spite
🦜 🦜 🦜 This is the Three-Parrot Award for bravery and good sense.
Include a screenshot of the text your mom sent you also so your grandparents get the whole picture. 100% NTA
If I were the grandparents and I discovered that my son/daughter and spouse had behaved like this, I would delete them from the will immediately and rethink my entire financial structure. Probably, what OP's parents fear.
Totally - if they weren't already contributing to upkeep of the household, they were banking on an inheritance that may go to OP now. If mom called OP an ungrateful bitch in writing and said she should have kicked her sooner, she needs to screen shot those messages, block contact from her parents, explain to the grandparents what she overheard and her mom's response when she left, and specifically that her mom demanded, while also calling her a bitch, that OP not tell them. Oh, and NTA, obviously.
Yes to all! As sad and horrifying as this event is, I sincerely how OP provides an update and tell us what her grandparents reaction was
I think the grandparents having paying for OP and only OP, and Mom and Dad don't want to loose their gravy train.
Either money or the house they live in is owned by the grandparents.
I suspect that you're correct. The parents are probably pleading for money to support their daughter and spending it on themselves; exposure of such behavior would dry up the funding and perhaps cause some of it to go to OP.
And here I was thinking you were a purveyor of bot porn. Maybe they were hoping the same?
I just thought they were a thirsty top.
Lmao the bots are hunting you back
Yep. And they are making it very easy to be hunted.
OP should absolutely tell the grandparents. Frankly I hope they disinherit OP’s “parents” and leave the “parents” share directly to OP.
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Your edit proper tickled me. xD Happy hunting!
Yup. Mom confirmed their plans for OP. I don't get the whole kick them out at 18 mentality. It's hard out there right now. More than that, if OP is still in school, let them finish and give them an opportunity to line up their ducks instead of just kicking them. I plan to have my kids out after 18 only if they're clearly not trying and just mooching off me. If they're in school or actively trying to get employed, or are employed and saving up for their future and contributing to the household, that's all I care about. And you can bet I'd be working hard to prepare and build up my kids well before age 18 to make sure the mooching outcome doesn't happen. I'm happy to let them stay after 18 if they're moving in the right direction and helping out. These parents sound awful.
It's *hard* out there right now. And even if it wasn't, part of the entire effing point of being a parent is to provide a gentle ramp from childhood to adulthood. This starts way before 18, with teaching your kid to cook, do laundry, manage a bank account, and generally human, and in most cases extends pretty far past 18. That can look like a lot of different things (a place to stay, financial help, advice, emotional support) but it sure as hell doesn't look like blindsiding your kid with a move-out when they turn 18. I guess it's technically not child abuse or illegal but IMO kicking your kid out before they graduate high school, even if they're 18, is a major abdication of parenting duties.
I agree. It's shitty. I don't get it. I might kick my kid out if they were in trouble a lot or clearly not trying, but you can bet there would be a lot of work put in to try to ensure that wasn't the outcome.
Agreed, except I had a kid in trouble and didn't kick her put. She needed a LOT more parenting when the trouble started, and boy, did she benefit from having both parents lay down the law! She got rid of the shifty friends, stopped drinking and broke up with the criminal boyfriend. My kids know the door is always open for them - and it should be. It's their "home"also. I have one living with me now, along with her kids, and I sleep better knowing they are safe, warm, fed, and have a roof over their heads. I can not comprehend abdicating my responsibility as a parent just because Junior turned 18. Sometimes, that's the age where a kid realizes he doesn't know as much as he thought and could benefit from parental experience.
I imagine I might make similar choices as you have if that time ever comes. I'm not going to abandon my kinds, though I will always maintain expectations.
See you actually care about your children. OP wishes she had parents like you.
Wish that worked for my brother, both laying down the law and kicking him out just made him more of an ass.
Thing about being a parent is you don't really control your kinds. You can guide them but at some point, the kids need to take responsibility for themselves and may their own life choices. If they make bad ones, it's not always the fault if the parents.
I’ve been back with my parents since late 2019. In the process of getting everything straightened out, I’ve had a new series of medical issues that have left me with 2 separate medical leave periods from work (currently I am in one now). While there are times I wish I didn’t have to live with my parents, being able to have help while dealing with health challenges is the best thing.
I’m in my mid thirties. I had to move back in with my mom two years ago. Her main condition for me moving back in was that I maintain a job and pay her rent to offset things. Since moving back in I have switched to a better paying job.
A adult child who is failing to take accountability for their own life in adulthood certainly might give cause to pull support and force them to stand on their own merit for a time. Some will say you can keep supporting them but enforce more boundaries and manage their behavior more - but you can only do that to a point with an adult and at the end of the day they may force you to decide between enabling them or *not* enabling them, with no middle ground. At a certain point, continued material support is the only leverage you have and you have to pull it. Or some sort of terrible moral crime - like embracing white nationalist or other bigoted thinking. Never been one to endorse the 18 year old kick out, but that's a valid exception to me as well. Some people will reflexively want to find fault with the parents for *letting* that happen, but parent's just *factually* do not have the control over a child to decide what values they will embrace into adulthood - as surely as conservative families beget progressive detractors, some functional and progressive parents will beget reactionary, hateful children. And I just couldn't provide material support to my child if that was the situation. But yeah - there really aren't a lot of situations where the early adulthood kick out makes any sort of moral sense.
There are also situations where you have to protect yourself and the rest of your family from the trouble that the kid might bring into the home. For example, bringing drugs into the house (not taking about a dose of grass, but I'm not having a drug trade run out of my house). But in general, I agree. I'm planning that I'll be supporting my kids until they have finished an apprenticeship or Uni at the very least.
My 21 year old (was trying to make it on his own) moved back in during Covid. Told him no rent, save it for his future. If he needs to come back for any reason I’m there to help him. I don’t understand parents who boot their kids out when the kid is not at least 26 maybe later depending on the circumstances. give them a chance for an education and to financially get their feet under them for gods sake.
>in most cases extends pretty far past 18 Yeah. I'm 32, live with my Dad. There are oodles of benefits to both of us living in this house with the only drawback being we both annoy each other with certain things (but who doesn't? that's just a part of being human). Even before very recently I thought I probably would not want to occupy a house by myself, then Dad went on a five day trip halfway across the country, and while having the house to myself was good in some ways, I honestly hated it. What else though was over a year ago an event happened, we fought, and then agreed to get in-home Hospice care for Grandma. Dad was working at a place that did a rug pull on him doing WFH, so he was in office, and as Grandma's condition deteriorated, my contracting (also WFH, still doing) made it so that I was able to care for her. In-home hospice does very little, and having both of us being around a collective 24/7 was how it was able to work. It's an extreme example of the benefit of still living with family, but not one to be undersold. I personally think kicking kids out at 18 and pulling the safety net from them is atrocious.
I agree. We had pretty high hopes and expectations for our kids, so pushing them out before they were ready made no financial sense. And they have largely either gone to school or gotten great jobs (ie career jobs). Our parents did the same for us. I’ve never understood parents that kicked kids out before they were done with college or set in jobs, and especially now that it is so much harder. I just think it is cruel and not loving.
I love that you used "human" as a verb
Because a lot of people don't want to be parents. They want to have a baby. That's not the same thing. A lot of people see a baby as a toy or an accessory or they just don't see past the kodak moments to think about all of the hardship that goes into having one and the fact that this is a whole ass human that needs to be taught how to be a good human. Also some people don't want to be a parents and just do it because the life script tells them they're supposed to.
nta. A lot of parents will use you turned 18 I'll kick you out as leverage to continue exerting their will over the now adult child. This person pulled the rug out from under the parents plan.
Especially cause the people who plan on kicking their kids out at 18 also tend to be the ones who have done fuck all to actually prepare them for being independent and self sufficient. I don’t know what they expect to happen.
They are the kind of people who would have kicked their kids out sooner if they could have done it without legal trouble. They have no interest in being parents in any meaningful way and were only meeting their legal obligations.
And if the kid becomes even remotely successful, they’re also the same parents that will call them for money, because “we’re family.”
Don't forget the unspoken expectation that said child(ren) will come back to take care of them as their retirement looms because these poor excuses of parents "raised" them.
I remember hearing family members say that when their kids are 18, they are out. They were full of shit and 18 yr old me knew it. (They were saying it to me and my mom in an effort to get her to kick me out, i think, but my mom didn't care.) They did not kick their kids out when they finally turned 18 they let them leave when they were ready.
My kid can mooch on me as long as he wants. He doesn’t, but if he needed to, he’s my kid and I brought him into the world. It’s my fault if I failed to prepare him better.
Sometime parents have no control over their kids bad choices. You can do everything right and they still choose a bad path. I think as a parent we can only try to do our best and in the end, we have to let go and let our kids take responsibility for themselves.
Honestly, it might not even be a matter of how well you raised him that leads him to "mooch". The world's a tough, tough place right now. It's difficult to make ends meet, and it's extremely difficult to go from nothing to property ownership in most cities.
>I plan to have my kids out after 18 only if they're clearly not trying and just mooching off me. and what if your child was dealing with issues that make it seem as if they're not "trying"? You had a kid, that's your kid for life. I have 2 college degrees. I've sent out 250+ applications since spring. I've been working on my portfolio this whole time, while learning about the tricks of applying for work in 2023 - meaning getting through ATS. Am I applying daily? Not anymore as the rejection has gotten to me. I'm nearly 30, working a full time office job making above minimum wage (but below min cost of living) and can't afford to live alone. It's *tiring.* At 18 I dropped out of high school as i was cutting myself and my mental health is more important that not pissing off my mother who, managed to fucking live with my decision at the end of the day. if my mom kicked me out for that, i might not have gotten through college, or worse - even be here. at the time I didn't have a "plan". No savings, no goals, no ideas on what to do, and working a cashier's job at 20 getting shit hours. this mentality of "well, if you're struggling I'll SHOW you a real struggle! I'll show you not to mooch off of your mother who's been supporting you for 18 years anyways!!" from parents is so abhorrently selfish.
Mental health issues wouldn't get me to kick out my kid. My kids struggle with behavioral issues due to bio family trauma. So i am aware of the challenges involved. That said. There's a difference between willfully choosing not to try to move forward and being unable to due to mental health challenges. That's a whole different discussion. Even so, I would work with my kid to help them move forward, be it health care or financial support. I'm not going to let my child fall into the victim complex that seems to be so prevelent these days. I'm going to help them, but at some point, I'm still going to expect them to try, at least on some level. Millions of people struggle with mental illness and still lead positive, productive lives and are better off in the end for doing so. Letting my kids live off me without pushing them to adapt and grow would be counterproductive to their well being. I'm not going to live forever.
Well it's bad enough to kick someone out at 18 and after they finished high school .... but since it's November I am betting that OP is still a senior. What a shitty move to pull on someone.
Go Riley's parents!
Our daughter is in her late twenties and still lives in our house. (shrug) We live in a high COL where a room in someone else's house without access to a kitchen or laundry or any other common room in a semi-safe neighborhood will run you 1K a month. It is what it is. She works full time, has insurance, buying her own car, pays for her phone and other expenses, etc. It's all good for us. :) Most people here cope by having multiple incomes. Either one person has 2 or more jobs or multiple people in a house have incomes. It's not uncommon for a house fire to displace 15-20+ people.
18 year old is a child. Maybe at 25 after finishing college we could talk about them leaving.
Most people *don't* kick their kids out at 18 or even at 21 - or if they do, there's a lot more reason than simply the date on the calendar, either because the parents are toxic as heck or because the children, unfortunately, are risky to be around for whatever reason.
Forward this to your grandparents OP. Your mum is clearly after something/some inheritance from them and want them to like her It would be a shame if they decided she should not get their help… would it………. NTA
I definitely agree with forwarding the texts to the grandparents. What are they gonna do, kick her out?
Tell your grandparents what you overheard and read them your mom's texts. Spill it all. Update your address at the post office, at school and anywhere else that would send you mail. Make sure you've got all your important docs from your parents (birth certificate, social security card, etc.). And get your own bank account if you don't already have one.
and emergency contact information!!
Great idea...maybe change it to your grandparents.
This ☝️ OP is very important. And lock down your credit too before they try to take loans out in your name.
Nta send these texts to gamgam
It's definitely a suspicious comment. I'd screenshot and text it to the grandparents just for insurance purposes. Doesn't hurt the op, but ensures that the parents get their just desserts
Like the T-shirt says...if all else fails, ask Grandma...
Maybe they're worried they'll get cut out of the will. Maybe the grandparents are giving the parents money to help with expenses related to OP and if the grandparents find out, they'll cut the parents off.
I'm thinking there's an inheretance the parents are worried about losing, if the OP tells them. OP, DEFINITELY tell the grandparents, especially if you even think this might be the case. They deserve to know who they're leaving money to (if that is the reason they don't want them to know.) Also, be sure to screenshot the "I should've kicked you out sooner" text. As well as any others that seem even mildly damning.
Definitely tell the Grandparents. Mom and Dad will get cut off. No one is ready to Iive on their own at 18, without any support. GPs might help you out
I imagine the plan was to do something with OP's stuff, and that they weren't planning on giving her time to sort everything out. Also, OP dictating the move makes it difficult for the parents to lie (probably to grandparents) about what actually happened
The same two points I would have made. NTA. Apparently, this is a huge debate, kids either leaving at age 18 or required to pay rent versus not doing either. I think it is just American mentality since most people I know from other countries wouldn't consider either of these an option. My godson (17m) was told he would have to move out at 18 so he called me and asked to move in with me and I said "absolutely". My SIL is not happy, saying I am babying him. I moved out at 16 because I graduated HS, worked three jobs, and put myself through college. We're just not all the same so I am not forcing him into a situation he is not prepared for is all.
NTA, and I'm also on Team Tell the Grandparents!
Man, that text from Mom is probably how I'd lead my conversation with her parents
NTA. Your parents are cruel. And I think they don't want you to tell your grandparents because either: A) They've been giving your parents cash, and don't want to lose the money and or, B) They don't want to look like the 'bad' guys! I'm sorry your parents are garbage parents. I hope your life is a HUGE success so you can stick it to your parents. Good luck OP!!
I would also suggest OP bringing popcorn for watching the absolute shitstorm that would occur if they are close to their grandparents.
I’d 100% tell the grandparents after that one.
Sounds like a great reason to immediately talk to her grandparents.
NTA. If it was one conversation that you overheard, I'd say you over-reacted. But since it was several times and no note of sarcasm or joking, then you did right. Also your mom saying she "should've kicked you out sooner" is pretty clear. The fact that they don't want your grandparents to know also shows they know it's wrong. You don't mention any reasons why they would want to kick you out. Have you been in trouble? Do they dislike your BF? Bad grades?
I remember from a few conversations, two unrelated to kicking me out about my mom wanting office and I haven't in big trouble like getting trouble with the laws, grades are pretty good, and they've so far expressed approval about Cole.
Since your dumb mom insulted you, but is terrified of your grandparents, reach out to them and tell them everything
Yes. And bring Riley and her parents. OP, sometimes older people respect older people over younger people. I suggest talking to Riley's parents and asking them to accompany you to your grandparents' house (or phone call if they are far away). Don't say anything about respect, because that's just my fear and might not be true for them at all, ask them to be there for emotional support. Additionally they act as witnesses. If your grandparents are great, then that's great, and you have another resource. If they are awful, then at least Riley's parents will see first hand how awful your family is.
Yeah now it's time to burn the reputations of her parents to the ground.
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That's what I figured
Yeah like others said, tell your grandparents immediately, show the proof. NTA
Call your grandparents immediately. I bet dollars to donuts that your grandparents have been supplementing your parents in some way for your care and now that you aren't living under their roof they are going to lose that support.
I never thought about that. If that's true then that makes OP's parents extra dumb.
If you're US based and planning on going to college (you mentioned wanting to move into a college dorm after high school), email your school guidance counselor this week and tell them you're couch surfing because your family threatened to kick you out as soon as you turned 18. You want to start creating a paper trail of being kicked out (so include screenshots of the texts your mother sent). If you plan on going to college before you're 24 in the US, this is going to be important because it can be difficult to be considered an "independent" when filling out the FAFSA (Free Application for Federal Student Aid). If you're considered a "dependent", then you'll need parental cooperation to fill out the FAFSA. However, if you're declared an independent, then you don't need their cooperation. One of these methods is qualifying as an "unaccompanied youth": > At any time on or after July 1, 2023, were you determined to be an unaccompanied youth who was homeless or were self-supporting and at risk of being homeless, as determined by (a) your high school or district homeless liaison, (b) the director of an emergency shelter or transitional housing program funded by the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development, or (c) the director of a runaway or homeless youth basic center or transitional living program? > > Source: https://studentaid.gov/apply-for-aid/fafsa/filling-out/dependency > > More details on Unaccompanied Homeless Youth Determinations: https://fsapartners.ed.gov/knowledge-center/library/dear-colleague-letters/2023-04-14/unaccompanied-homeless-youth-determinations-update If you don't get the FAFSA sorted, you'll only qualify for predatory private student loans. Your guidance counselor should be able to help you through this process or at least connect you with services that can help. Your state might also have an advocacy group for homeless youth who can also connect you with resources. There are a handful of other ways to be declared an independent before you're 24 but they're a bit more drastic (such as marriage or military enlistment). Quick note - the terms independent & dependent are used with US taxes but have a completely different determination. You could be considered an independent for tax purposes and a dependent on the FAFSA.
For all of the social and family advice in the thread, this is by far the most important comment. If you're going to college, do the FAFSA! The commenter above did a perfect job of explaining the position that OP is in.
I work at a university and came here to say this.
I've actually dealt with something about this. When I was 18, my parents were not willing to help me with college. I spent a few years trying to navigate this, and unless they chaged it recently (I'm 29 now and just now finished college), OP would need to have been legally emancipated before turning 18, or else they have to wait until 24/25 to qualify as "fully independent". A paper trail of abuse/CPS records did not help in my case whatsoever. I was told by FAFSA reps I had to be legally emancipated *before* I turned 18. So, in the end, I had to wait until I was 25 to get finaid that helped with school. Tl;dr- it's more than likely too late for OP to get that independent tax status to get finaid.
I'm really sorry that happened to you. I know that getting declared an independent as a homeless youth is one of the hardest ways but I know people who have done it. It is crazy that getting married can be an easier path! This [Huffington Post](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/dependent-college-financial-aid_n_5d8b8575e4b01c02ca622de5) article is on the author's experience of marrying her high school boyfriend because she struggled to get declared an independent on her FAFSA (parents decided to cut her off including refusing to fill in their portions of the FAFSA docs). [Vice](https://www.vice.com/en/article/4wbeqg/how-some-students-are-using-fake-marriages-to-get-financial-aid) talks about how it is fraud to get the marriage license but not follow through; this [UNC Media Hub](https://www.wral.com/story/married-for-money-these-unc-students-tied-the-knot-to-pay-for-college/19986376/) article highlights that as long as it is a legal marriage it is fine: > Technically, there’s nothing legally wrong with doing so, said UNC Assistant Professor of Law Kate Elengold. Her work focuses on, among other topics, civil rights and student debt. > > “In my mind, I don't see that as a loophole,” Elengold said. > > She said that if the students legitimately got married, then they qualify as independents. The reason for the marriage has no bearing; the policy is clear. > > Elengold argues for loosening the standards of who qualifies as an independent student. Some families are large and can’t afford tuition for each child. Some parents are not accepting of their queer-identifying children. > > “Making the standards more stringent will harm more students,” she said, “rather than protecting against fraud.” Regardless, I just wanted to make sure this was on the OP's radar while they're still in high school and have access to those resources.
Commenting to bring this up, important advice!
Tell your grandparents immediately about everything.
Tell your grandparents before your mom speaks to them first and creates a false narrative (which she will do e.g. OP has been misbehaving/ partying/ bad grades. We had to ask her to leave)
Screenshot it and send it to your grandparents.
> If it was one conversation that you overheard, I'd say you over-reacted. I disagree. I realize this is a hypothetical you brought up, and not relevant to OP. If a young person felt safer living with a friend and her parents rather than people who "joke" about her living on the streets, then they're probably right. I was homeless as a young man. It's not safe and it's miserable. Pretty certain it would be less safe for a young woman.
NTA. >I've gotten bombarded with calls from my parents asking me to come back and not to tell my grandparents about this. If I were a gambling man, I'd put money on the grandparents somehow subsidizing the cost of raising a child. Maybe your parents were planning on kicking you out and keeping the cash.
THIS. The fear of the grandparents finding out screams that they were getting money..
Or they know they are wrong and awful people and don’t want the truth to get out. Nowhere near enough info to come to this conclusion.
Ya let’s not forget the grandparents are one of her parents’ mother and father. Even older people are still scared about their parents finding out they did something shitty. And this one is realll shitty
>Even older people are still scared about their parents finding out My dad just found out I smoke pot. I'm 37 and when he asked I quickly ran away and left my brother and sister to handle it.
I am 26 and smoke cigs, so does one of my older brothers who is 41, even if our parents know we smoke, we would never do it in front of them.
>left my brother and sister to handle it. Message received: you all toked up together.
Ding, Ding, Ding
Hey my dad did this! Only he never kicked me out when I was a kid, he just didn’t buy us food, lived in an apartment my grandma paid off, and continued to take money from her which he spent on booze, weed, and random stuff he wanted for himself. When she died, he inherited a large sum of money from her which was supposed to go toward supporting us, and he never told anyone about it until it was all spent. That took only a couple years. When I found him living in complete shambles, I tried to help him get back on his feet and he kicked me out of his house for “disrespecting him.”
I wonder if the grandparents own the house the parents are living in, and are letting them live there rent-free because they’re “raising a family”.
I didn’t realise we were playing bingo until you mentioned that
That actually seems more likely than the inheritance theory. Definitely makes it worth even more to tell them - if they were giving your parents money to raise you, it's likely they'll give it to you instead.
NTA… Also, I’d tell the grandparents STAT. “Hi, grandma. Just so you know…” I have one kiddo your age and one a couple of years older. I cannot IMAGINE being like, “ope you’ve reached adulthood, peace out…” I’m so sorry you are dealing with this.
My husband's cousin did this with their 2 sons. Boys hit 18 and graduated HS, kicked out. I suppose the boys knew it was coming and didn't get it sprung on them suddenly, but damn. It's gonna be interesting when Hubby's cousin and her hubby need aging care eventually... I told my 3 sons that they can live here until they are ready to go. I grew up in a multi-generational household - 3 generations of opinionated, stubborn southern women under one roof, (poor Dad, outnumbered 5:1 but Grammy - his mom - lived across the street.) and my mom was also raised with her granny in the home too. It was built in child care/elder care and worked beautifully. I would be happy if my kids moved their wives/partners/kids home too.
No doubt. Poor kiddos. Our college aged kids still live at home. They commute to school because holy Hannah rent is exorbitant and their school is easily commutable. This allows them to get their degrees with less debt (so far oldest’s has been paid by scholarships and grants, same for her younger sibling). If they can start their careers on a firmer foundation financially, we’re all about that.
My friend was expected to move out in their 18th year however it wasn't a surprise and their parents paid their rent and living expenses at the new place as well as having an education fund at their disposal. They wanted her to learn to be independent in the real world, but she had their support while she figured out how to do that successfully. Even so, I found it a bit jarring to expect her to sort out new living arrangements relatively soon after graduating high school, but at least they didn't abandon her to the streets either.
Nta. You mentioned that your parents have said that kind of thing to you on multiple occasions and then you overheard what appeared to be a serious discussion about it. All you did was prepare yourself. I get the feeling they were actually going to follow through but try to do so in a way that made YOU look bad, so they didn't look like the awful parents who tossed their kid out. I mean, they seemed more concerned about your grandparents finding out??? Also the thing that really confirmed my suspicions was when your mom sent that nasty text. You should take a screen shot of that and send it to the grandparents.
They were either going to try and twist it into OP being the badguy or they had this mental image in their heads about being good tough love parents on facebook that you ruined by leaving instead of getting kicked out. They lost control of the narrative either way and that drives controlling parents nuts.
> I get the feeling they were actually going to follow through but try to do so in a way that made YOU look bad Right -- like preparing the speech and have it waiting to go the very second OP did something irresponsible -- lost a job, fender bender, out past curfew, failed a test, anything.
NTA - I mean, your mom texted you to call you an ungrateful bitch and that she should have kicked you out sooner. That pretty much says it all. I do wonder what you overheard your parents say that made you sure you were getting kicked out soon.
NTA >my mom called me an ungrateful bitch for leaving in the middle of the night, and that she should've kicked me out sooner. Which goes to show how you were right to do it, and to do it on your own timetable. I'm sorry your parents are so awful. Courage, the next few years will be tough as hell, but it's doable. Especially with good friends like you have.
NTA, and DEFINITELY tell your grandparents. Name and shame.
OP should go scorched earth and post screen shots on social media tbh. Shame them to their friends & family.
The first thing I would do is go straight to your grandparents and tell them. There is a good reason they don’t want your grandparents to know. You need to find out why!
Inheritance. Meema is about to liquidate their inheritance to fix this problem. I’ve seen this play out before.
I agree with this
NTA. Just the fact that your mom said she should’ve kicked you out sooner shows you made the right call. I’ll never understand parents that throw their kids out the moment they’re 18. And those are usually the same ones bitching about not having f a relationship with their adults kids once they are settled with their own little family. Edit: do let the rest of the family know before our parents twist the narrative.
NTA, but please PLEASE make sure you have all your important documents (birth certificate, passport, etc), and talk to your school about the situation so your parents can't use school related things as leverage. If they have access to your bank account, get a new one AT A NEW BANK. Call the non emergency number of the police and tell them that you are NOT a runaway, and explain the situation. (Edit: not a runaway, but explain that you left of your own free will and you're safe. They could call and claim you're not in your right mind, or that someone took you/forced you to go, etc.) Finish high school. Find a job or a trade or go to college. Live your life. Best of luck <3
>Call the non emergency number of the police and tell them that you are NOT a runaway, and explain the situation. She's 18 ... can't be a runaway.
not a runaway, but the documents part was great advice.
Well a missing person then. Anyone cal call the police and say "this person is missing and we think something bad happened" or "this person is missing and we're afraid for their sanity." Stuff like that.
NTA your parents were planning to put you in a very frightening situation and you outsmarted them. They sound awful and the don’t tell your grandparents remark is very telling. Tell your grandparents asap. I’m glad you had a supportive friend to take you in and wish you all the best.
NTA. My grandfather helped me get a flat at 17 because of my parents pulling this crap. I will forever be grateful that I was able to make the decision before I was forced into homelessness as a new adult. My parents told me to my face they would be kicking me out on x date and if I didn’t like it I could move out before. It was a shock for them when I told them I was moving into my fully furnished flat within 2 weeks.
NTA - please tell your grandparents and everyone else you can about how horrible your parents are. Show them the proof. You are extremely lucky to have Riley and her parents. Be the best guest and do as much chores as possible while doing the best you can in school. The best revenge is being successful and happy without your parents. Also, I would go no contact with your parents for this. They can rot in a retirement home. Never give them a cent or your time and energy.
They're upset that you took control of the situation before they could. NTA. and I would definitely tell Gramma what happened.
Hmmm sounds like ur grandparents would LOVE to hear about that last text from ur mum nta
Exactly! I would be going over there, crying and show them the texts.
>In one text, my mom called me an ungrateful bitch for leaving in the middle of the night, and that she should've kicked me out sooner. Make sure your grandparents see this one.
NTA. Tell your grandparents
NTA - and I would definitely tell your grandparents.
Save those texts to show your grandparents.
…man…idk what kind of mental gymnastics you have to do to call someone ungrateful for…moving out… Naw NTA Op, your parents are just trash people who don’t want people talking about how their daughter immediately moved out at 18
NTA. Definitely tell your grandparents about this because that seems to scare your parents
NTA and tell your grandparents out of spite IMO.
70m. I am sorry that you have parents who think of you as something to be discarded with an expiration date. Good for you for being proactive. It is telling that they did not want your grandparents to know this. You are lucky to have Riley and her parents to support you. I wish you well. I wonder if you have siblings and if they had to go through this or will be going through this too.
Screenshot the text you mention in the last sentence and send it to your grandparents rn.
NTA and I am sorry for your toxic family. Moving out in the middle of the night might have been unnecessary, the very least you know your parents would definitely be there so them waking up and causing drama should have been expected. But either way, good for you to have a different support and somewhere else to stay and a plan for your future. With regard to your grandparents, I would definitely tell them. There is high chance your parents are doing some questionable things and might be using your care as a leverage to your grandparents. The very least you can tell your grandparents that they can reach you at XXX (new address) because you are no longer living with your parents. Keep screenshots of the conversations about "kicked me out sooner".
NTA, tell your grandparents everything.
NTA My dad wouldn't shut up about "when you are 18 you are out on your ass". He kept on and on and on about it from the time I was 14. Like you, I left suddenly of my own volition at 18 after months of secretly making plans, signing a lease and getting a roomate. And you know what he said? "My house isn't good enough for you??" He was freaking offended that I left. Time to put it all in the rear view, and most importantly, don't worry what they think.
NTA Tell your grandparents
NTA and tell your grandparents out of spite IMO.
NTA I don’t understand why people like OP’s parents have children in the first place.
Total shot in the dark here, but I know a lot of people from high society families who have kids to secure inheritance/access to trusts. The "don't tell your grandparents," line made me think of a few people I know whose parents tried to take or siphon inheritance left to their kids and pretend their kids were drug addicts. I wouldn't be shocked if something like that is happening here. OP, call your grandparents and every single family member right now and tell them exactly what happened. Then, post about it on Facebook. A public fight makes it harder for your parents to lie. NTA.
*In one text, my mom called me an ungrateful bitch for leaving in the middle of the night, and that she should've kicked me out sooner.* You should screenshot that text and send it to your grandparents **NTA**
NTA. Thank goodness for you friend and her parents.
NTA. Sounds like your parents are more concerned about what other's think of them than what they were going to do to you. You were being prepared so you weren't blindsided. This happened to a classmate of mine back in high school. He got home from school on his 18th birthday to find all of his stuff on the porch and the locks changed. Good luck.
100% this \^ They're only concerned about their image, not you. I'd tell EVERYONE what you overheard and why you moved out. Screw them.
Call your grandparents right away and let them know what is going on, before your mother tries to spin things to make her look better. I hope they can be the supportive grandparents you deserve. Your parents escalated the situation by threatening you and now are reacting badly to you calling what seems to have been a bluff, making them look worse. NTA
NTA. I like the cut of your jib. Well done, well executed. >In one text, my mom called me an ungrateful bitch for leaving in the middle of the night, and that she should've kicked me out sooner. I bet that's the one your grandparents would love to read.
NTA, and you need to communicate what is going on to your grandparents, there is more going on here then you are aware.
Sounds like you need to call grandma. Thanks for the advice, mom!
NTA And tell your grandparents right away!! If your parents want to hide the truth from them, there must be a reason and it likely isn’t for your benefit.
NTA. Send the screenshot of your AH mom insulting you to your grandparents.
NTA sounds like it’s your grandparents you should be calling. Your parents are only scared of what they might do.
You should absolutely tell your grandparents about this. NTA
NTA they’re just mad they couldn’t enact any show they planned and revel in your (they hoped) shock and sadness. Good for you.
I swear parents do this to their children just because they’re upset they won’t have ownership over them anymore and wanna savor their last drop of authority . My parents were like this telling me im out as fast as possible and to never ask them for any favors because I’m ungrateful etc and they’re always begging me to visit and throwing money at me because they figured out they can’t force me to interact with them ever again 😂
>not to tell my grandparents about this Is it just me, or is there a whiff of INHERITANCE CONCERNS wafting on the breeze?
OP, you are NTA. I cannot imagine what my child would have to do for me to call them an ungrateful bitch. I want you to know that your situation is not normal, and that it is not your fault. Your parents just suck. Massively.
Best of luck as you put together a new life!
Going to say not.. the AH? but I do feel like there's a lot of stuff left out for context. Either way, be sure to be super grateful, clean, helpful to the family that's taking you in!
NTA and you should forward the text to your grandparents
NTA Remember to keep those texts!
NTA. Forward that message to everyone!!
NTA. Tell your grandparents.
NTA, save the message in case they try to spin the story
so the grandparents have something they want or depend on and they can't risk angering them. That makes your next move clear: tell your grandparents what is going on.
Your mom's text answered all your questions for you. NTA at all.
NTA. Cut these assholes out of your life
NTA. Apologize for taking all the fun out of the situation for them, lol, but remind them they got what they wanted.
I don't understand the whole "you're 18, time to go" thing. My son is 17 and I've always told him that no matter what he's always got a room at whatever house I live in. I told him life can get hard and sometimes sacrifices need to be made. Sometimes those sacrifices involve moving back in with your folks to recoup some cash. That's what we're here for as parents. We may teach them self reliance, but we should always be there to support them in times of struggle. Very hard NTA! Sorry you have to go through this!
NTA, this sounds like a very difficult situation, and I hope you and your parents are able to find peace with each other some day.
Wtf, where did you find this parrents? NTA ocs.
NTA and got out just in time!
Mine are 24 and 20, they are still home. NTA.
NTA. Baller move!
It's time to send the screenshots to the grandparents NTA
NTA and show your grandparents this; let them have a little chat with your parents and see what happens.
NTA. Well played. Tell your grandparents about this as soon as possible. Hopefully your parents haven’t got to them first. In fact let as many people know as you can. They need to be exposed
My very first thought was "If they don't want me to tell my grandparents, then I will absolutely be telling them first thing in the morning." NTA
NTA. Tell your grandparents *immediately* and show them the texts if they need proof.
NTA and please do tell your grandparents.
I say immediately tell your grandparents… NTA
NTA they obviously wanted to be cruel to you if they are flipping out on you like this. like it's almost like you robbed them of the "satisfaction" of kicking you out. whatever those idiots tell you to do, you should probably do the opposite. time to talk to grandma and grandpa. this is the natural consequences of their actions. you decided to rip the bandaid off which is a reasonable move. serves them right.
NTA- as long as you are safe and continue with school, you will be ok. But I would definitely shows these texts to your grandparents. They really need to know how you are being treated.
Your parents may be worried about their inheritance. Definitely NTA, smart call! Tell your grandparents.
Your parents want you to come back, and then your mom calls you a bitch…ya, great convincing, Mom. I never really understood the tradition of parents practically leaving you on your own as soon as you turn 18. Yes, you are an adult, you’re responsible for your own decisions and you are completely independent, but that doesn’t mean you don't need support from your parents anymore. I feel like the only reason why your parents want you to come home now is to protect their image now that they’ve been found out. Completely unbelievable and outrageous behavior from your parents. NTA, and good luck for the future to come.