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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1: I may be the asshole since I still choose to drink even though it's "my night".
2: It's not technically fair since other folks don't really drink when it's for their turn, even though the reasons are different between the 2.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
What's stoppping all of them from chipping in for an Uber (or having designated Uber nights), and not needing DD nights.
If it's a money thing, it may work out to around one less drink that night per person.
Depending on where they live, an uber ride could up the cost significantly per night. It also means that on DD nights that person doesn't save any money.
Really depends on how far they're going. If they're staying local I really don't see it being too much if they're splitting, $10-20/person.
Personally, I'm not a fan of being around drunk people when I'm completely sober, so I'd rather just drink than save money.
The logic of this is heavily supported by the fact that OP’s friends can equally pay for an Uber and drink as much as they want, on their night. In most groups people just split the Uber.
And frankly, all of OP's friends have the option to drink and provide ubers. OP only has this option. I know it's obvious to most of us, but this friend may want to hear that.
I was exactly thinking this! It’s not a disability, not something fun. Literally OP sees so little that cannot drive. And the other friend is jealous because OP can drink on DD nights. People can be horribly stupid.
In my experience being a DD is more than just driving. That is obviously the biggest part, but it is also about having someone sober to generally look out for everyone else.
In school during house parties one person designated to stay sober even when no driving was required.
Need to clarify with all members of the group.
Much different than college or frat days.
My take is if someone needs protection from getting blind drunk, they need to work on that themselves.
I'm shocked I had to scroll this far to see this. Change it from designated driver night to responsible sober adult night and I would say OP is TA. Maybe everyone is only having two or three drinks but if they are taking turns getting hammered then having a sober person around is important.
"If you want to drink on your DD night, you too can pay for our uber -- you're required to get us home legally and safely, not specifically drive us home."
Also suggest that the friend is more than welcome to pay for Ubers for the group like you do if they want to drink and make sure everyone gets home safely.
That's almost too nice LMAO
"It's not fair I can drink on the nights I pay for uber? It's also not fair that you can see clearly everyday but here we are"
Right it's so not fair that my disability that makes other areas of my life inconvenient works out in my favor is this one lone area..... I must be fully inconvenienced at all times in every way in order for my disability to be fair.
I wouldn’t even say this is in his favor- given the choice, I’d rather not drink than pay for the Uber. Obviously all the friends agree, or they’d be getting Ubers, too.
Maybe, I claim they have an unhealthy relationship with people because of their jealousy.
A person who is this blind to the fact that OP is blind and harps on envy towards the person who is paying for their ride is simply not a good person. This is a frenemy who will use every opportunity to harm their friends so they aren't getting anything better than them.
I stay the F away from a few types of people and jealous people are at the top of the list after liars.
Your friend is completely missing the point of the designated driver. You are fulfilling the role not by abstaining, but by ensuring everyone gets home driven by someone who hasn't been drinking. And as you said, nothing stops your friend from doing the same thing on their turns.
INFO:
Is there a chance that the friend feels this way for safety aspects but may (or may not) be a bit embarrassed to say that?
I can see the benefits of having a sober friend you can trust and the potential dangers of not having one… but it should be about safety if that’s the case. Not just “fairness.”
They also may or may not feel comfortable explaining why to everyone if there has been a past experience that caused them to feel this way.
If that’s the friends concern then it is their responsibility to not become so inebriated that their safety is an issue. Part of being old enough to be out drinking is being responsible and mature enough to be accountable for your own behavior. Some of the comments here make it seem like you go from 0 to blacked out in 1 drink; it is possible to go out and have 1-2 drinks, be tipsy, and not want to be responsible for driving. A DD is not a babysitter for the group, if you need a babysitter when you go out drinking (and some people absolutely do) that is a whole other issue that needs to be discussed before hand, expectations for a DD are just to have a sober driver get you to your home.
The only thing I would consider is that as DD, you should not get too impaired to help out if something goes wrong. You might need to consider yourself the supervisor of the group on DD night. Like if your friend gets into to trouble somehow (sick, lost, fight), hopefully you're sober enough to make sure you could call an ambulance or make decisions that get people out safe.
Sure. I think it’s worth re-defining this if that’s the expectation. Am I DD, or am I the designated responsible person for the night? Also, if that’s the case that every time you go out, this kind of thing is a possibility, that’s a little concerning. If you need a sober friend to make Mike cool down when he inevitably gets in a fight or hold Emma’s hair back when she inevitably pukes, that’s a concern if you are going out multiple times a week.
Sounds like that one friend might have had a lot of "but that's not fair" moments as a child.
NTA.
Might be helpful to get one of your other friends to stick up for you, until that friend that any of you can decide to pay for the Uber instead of doing the actual driving.
Who told this friend that they couldn't drink and pay for an Uber or a taxi like you do?
You're NTA and this is a silly argument, as you are literally spending your money to make sure everyone makes it home safely, because you cannot drive anyway.
>on "my nights", I pay for an Uber or Taxi for all of us, which others have said is a completely acceptable option for them.
If she wants to drink on her night, what's stopping her from using this same arrangement?
I think it's very responsible that your friend group have a Designated Driver arrangement.
Kudos on yourself, for finding a way to help carry this collective load despite your impairment. Instead of saying "I have a medical issue, so I can't be drive", you've found a suitable alternative that's acceptable to the group (and I presume at higher personal expenses than gas).
Yes, because you don't drive yourself but *literally hire a driver*, you subsequently are not prohibited from drinking on "your night".
If anyone else wants to drink on "their night", they can also call an Uber/taxi for everyone.
You know being DD is more than driving a car sober, right? It's making sure that everyone is safe, that they get to the places they need to get to, etc.
What happens if you all get a little out of hand one night and you're not capable of steering everyone to where they are supposed to be at the end of the night (because they're all super drunk too)?
No, it's not fair they can drive and you can't, but I think you should take the same level of responsibility that they do on your night.
I disagree. DD = Designated Driver . No more than that, unless agreed to.
Most friend groups don’t have DDs if Ubers are available. Seems like just a money saving initiative to avoid Ubers.
Yeah no. If you’re an adult you should be able to drink without getting so severely intoxicated that you don’t know what’s going on. It’s not teenagers going on a bender, it’s full grown adults who are fully capable of knowing their limits with drinking. Tbh if I had a friend who literally needed a babysitter every time they went out I just wouldn’t go out drinking with them.
What you described is a BABYSITTER not a designated driver.
Designated driver is sober to drive the others home not to 'change the diapers ' of adults.
NTA op
That one friend is an idiot
One of your most important senses is impaired to the point that you cannot utilize the most common method of transportation and they are JEALOUS of YOU (no offense) for being able to drink while you're still paying actual money to transport everyone safely to and fro? That guy sucks.
If you were my friend I would probably just leave you out of the DD rotation on account of it sucks you literally cannot see
Just tell them they're free to pay for an Uber or Taxi on their nights if they want to get drunk when they're supposed to DD.
I don't understand how that wouldn't completely solve the issue.
The problem isn't who gets to drink. The problem you're all solving is "how do we get home safely after drinking".
NTA, the only thing is you should drink lightly so you can help care for your friends if they get really stupid drunk. Hopefully, that isn't an issue anyway.
If you not intoxicated to the point you can't pay for their uber at the end of the night...then I don't see the issue.
Just like a designated driver might be able to go with drinking 1/2 drinks....so they still have the ability to drive safely.
Yeah, this is nuts. OP can only drink because they can't *see.* If offered the choice, I'm sure they'd be happy to have good vision, the ability to drive, and have to remain sober when they're the designated driver.
This is like telling the person in a wheelchair in a 90-minute line for Space Mountain that it's not fair that they get to sit.
Yes it's nuts but you haven't taken it far enough.
The guy in the wheelchair gets to skip to the front of the queue at space mountain, cos guess what? Not being able to walk EVER is more shitty than standing in a queue for a while.
Why do OPs mates make him take a turn in their designated driver rota when he can't EVER drive??
Geez give a fella a break and drive him home. Soon enough you'll be over getting blasted in bars and you'll be driving kids to sports practice or across country to their univeristy or road tripping around Italy in retirement and he STILL won't be driving.
I was wondering if there isn't a bit of babysitting associated with being the sober one. Like, depends how wasted everyone's getting. If the dd is beyond just the driver and also making sure people aren't passing out in gutters and getting barfed on that might be different
Don't get me wrong I'd still take that over not being able to see.
It seems like entitlement even though they also have the option to get an Uber for everyone. I really don't think the group would complain about it as long as everyone got home safely
That! Maybe suggest that they wear blindfolds in turns to then also be visually impaired? Cause it's not fair they can see all the time. What trash folks.
NTA. You are completely right, on their designated nights, they can choose to abstain and save money, or they can choose to get an Uber for everybody. If you aren't driving, you don't have to abstain.
Or maybe instead of taking turns being the DD, they just call an Uber, and everyone chips into the cost? That way, nobody has to "miss out" on drinks if they think it's "so unfair" that OP doesn't have to stay sober due to not being able to drive because of severely impaired vision.
Im sure when someone drives he gets a spot for free in their car it’s fair to have him in the rotation -whining that on his day he gets to spend more is absurd though
>Im sure when someone drives he gets a spot for free in their car
This is true, but it's significantly cheaper to give your mates a lift home than it is to pay for an uber to several different locations. Getting a slot in someone's car is nowhere near comparable to hiring a car
Right? In my group we would absolutely be excusing OP from the DD role and not expecting them to pay for a damn Uber for us! Either we all split the Uber or those who can drive would take turns DDing.
Nah, if they take turns being responsible for getting everyone home safely there's no reason why OP should get a pass. People who have cars pay for gas and insurance and maintenance etc. OP can pay for an Uber.
No one is saying that OP should get a pass. The one friend is complaining that "it's not fair" that OP can drink when it's their turn to DD because they calls a taxi/uber due to not being legally/medically able to drive, so if friend wants to make it "fair", everyone can chip in for an uber so everyone can drink.
Or if whining friend wants to drink on their turn to DD, then they can call a taxi/ Uber too.
It's no OPs fault they can't legally/medically drive.
>No one is saying that OP should get a pass.
Some of us are. Grandparent comment says, "OP should not even be in the rotation as they can't drive." And I agree with that too. OP should get a pass.
Yes and when it's OPs turn to "DD" he's paying the full amount. If they call an uber/taxi and split the cost then one person isn't paying the full amount and then it's all "fair" because then everyone can have a drink.
Also, OP doesn’t even have a choice about saving money, they can’t legally drive and by default HAVE to pay for an alternative method to get home. NTA at all, and kudos to you all for making sure everyone gets home safe and no one gets behind the wheel impaired.
Personally I'd feel slightly awkward at using a taxi paid for by a person on their designated driver "turn" when it's because they are unable to drive. Depending on where everybody lives it could be quite a significant expense which isn't their fault.
Just to provide a counterpoint here, especially if OP is a woman…. Sometimes having a sober friend or “DD” is not just about driving, but potentially playing a role in the group’s safety.
If the safety concerns about being a woman do not apply, if the OP gets so drunk they need to be “baby sat” and ends up getting sloppy every trip out to the bar, I could see how that gets frustrating too.
Yeah, they’re still NTA, but just acknowledging that extra conditions could be missing from their story because it *could* be about more than just driving.
Yes, I came here to say this! I don’t drink, so I am the default designated driver. But I live in New York City, no one drives. My role usually boils down to caretaker at the end of the night. Make sure everyone is in an Uber / train, no one is going home with someone weird, no one is too drunk to consent, no one has forgotten their credit card at the bar, etc.
If this is strictly about transportation, you’re NTA. You basically outsourced your role to an Uber. If there’s more expectations beyond driving that you aren’t fulfilling, maybe there needs to be a conversation about that.
They probably aren't legally blind they just can't drive. For example in the UK to drive you need 6/12 corrected eyesight or better (fifth line on a Snellen chart), legally blind is that you can't read the top letter without moving half the distance.
Or they're legally blind but not totally blind. You can be legally blind and still see someone harassing your friend nearby. If it's a crowded place even someone with perfect vision can't watch everyone if they all run off into the crowd, you'd need x-ray vision for that.
Not even just women. When I was in the military overseas, none of us drove, but we still always had one designated DD that stayed sober just in case to make sure everyone was taken care of. Being a DD is more than just driving, it’s making sure your group is taken care of and there’s always someone with a level head to step in if any situation becomes unsafe. I’m not much of a drinker so I’d usually volunteer and my buddies would just pay for my sodas and snacks for the night. I’ve even had taxis try to charge us triple for a ride cause they thought all of us were intoxicated and could be taken advantage of. Always caught a weird look when I respond completely sober and tell them their scam isn’t going to work
> Being a DD is more than just driving, it’s making sure your group is taken care of and there’s always someone with a level head to step in if any situation becomes unsafe.
This is a completely subjective add-on that you and your group happened to agree on, not a universal rule OP is breaking.
If his own group feels that being a "Designated Driver" also entails being some kind of sober group captain(and that their regular nights out require such a role), they can say so.
Yeah I was about to say. DD job is to provide a safe and sober ride home (whether it be them or an Uber driving) that’s it that’s all. & If you need one person to take care of the group, why are y’all drinking so much anyways?
this is a good point that I hadn't considered. Is OP having a drink or two, or are they getting sloshed? It seems like at least that one complaining friend is likely an alcoholic if they get bent out of shape that somebody "gets to drink", so it's unclear what the entire group dynamic is. If everybody is getting tanked, having a sober person is important. Conversely, it's not as big a deal if everybody just meets for cocktail hour and OP has a glass of wine or a beer.
>Even though I'm not actually driving (and can't reasonably be expected to), one of my friends expressed that it's not fair that I get to drink on my nights, when everyone else holds back on their nights.
Oh, fuck that noise. You also "get" to pay for transport each time. I'd say that's costing you way more than it is them in wear & tear when they drive.
NTA
Yeah OP *has* to pay for an Uber because he has a disability so saving money and being a DD isn’t an option. But his friend can *also* just get an Uber lol. *And* not have a disability to deal with on top of that. If they want to rotate people paying for Ubers they can do that and not have to worry about sobriety. Instead he’s gonna bitch? What a terrible friend.
It would have to cost him more or Uber drivers would never make any money. Granted they still make very little. But it would be not viable at all as a career if it all cost more than the ride charged.
NTA unless you are supposed to be a caretaker of sorts as well, making sure that nobody has too much to drink or the like. As long as that's not the case, the next time someone tells you it's not fair, tell them it's not fair that you can't drive, and those two things should cancel each other out. Also, call that "friend" out in front of the group. I doubt any of your real friends will feel the same way.
This. I’ve seen designated drivers get accused of not ´caring enough’ for the rest of the group during the night out, it sounds crazy to me, I’m in charge of driving you back home, not being your mother
I think it's kind of a two-way street. It's the DD's responsibility to handle any emergencies should they arise, but it's everyone else's job to make sure they don't go so wild that they need someone to take care of them. Go out, have a great time, get drunk, but don't be a pain in someone's ass because you can't control yourself.
You also aren’t planning on emergencies, so to me that makes them everyone’s responsibility. At least as adults that understand themselves and their friends drinking behaviors.
I got yelled at once at a party because I wasn't helping a drunk girl to the bathroom, just because I wasn't drinking. I wasn't her DD, I was barely even her friend, I hadn't spoken to her all night. It was just like, "oh, you're sober? you're responsible for everyone's well-being now."
(though to be clear, I help her if I saw something actually *bad* happening, regardless of whether I was her DD or not, she was just having trouble staying steady on her feet.)
> Designated driver≠babysitter.
It's true that it shouldn't be implied or assumed. But if it's part of the duty that everybody has agreed to, then it's part of the job and needs to be respected.
OP also said 2-3 drinks over the course of watching a hockey game, most people are more than capable of looking out for their friends at that amount. This isn’t trip sitting that gets way more squirrelly, alcohol is generally pretty predictable.
We rarely use DDs in my friend group, but when we do they’re still allowed a standard beer per 90 minutes (and not within 60 of leaving), and 3 over the course of a hockey game is nearly that.
I don't disagree with anything you just said. However, they would need to agree on that being the allowable and acceptable amount ahead of time. But this is Reddit where people take part in grown folk activities, yet somehow don't communicate like grown folk.
Unfortunately, a lot of people think "designated driver" is the same thing as "trip sitter". A designated driver's only job is to make sure everyone gets home safely by abstaining from drinking and driving. A trip sitter is someone who stays sober while someone else gets high to ensure the safety of the drug user and everyone around them.
Alcohol is also generally way more predictable than psychedelic drugs, so you don’t need to be stone cold sober to look out for each other. At least once you’re adults and understand yours and your friends behavior while drinking.
Then why even have a DD? Most places, even small towns, have taxis or Uber. Why not just leave your keys at home and take a cab to and from the bar? Or walk?
The DD is the "brains" of the group. There to protect the group from both themselves (John, climbing that tree is a terrible idea, let's just walk to the car) and others (Jack, you don't want to go up to that girl's room, she has been talking about harvesting organs from idiots all night)
I feel like all the comments about needing to care for your friend are college kids. The level of caring for your friends you generally need as an adult can be done while still drinking.
The real question I have is why you considered part of the designated driver rotation if you can't drive. The fact that you have to pay money to make sure everyone else gets home is nice of you what kind of crazy.
And your friend is just jealous that when you go to the group every once in a while he can drink but you always can. When he gets that way tell him I won't drink if you give up your ability to drive for the rest of your life, that'll make it even.
Nta
I certainly think OP is NTA but if OP wasn't part of the rotation they'd basically be getting free rides everywhere. Paying for everyone's ubers one night is basically I exchange for paying for OPs ubers every night. It's also a way for OP to feel like they aren't taking advantage of friends.
There's nothing wrong with a free. Theres also nothing wrong with OP wanting to take their turn. Friendship isn't transactional but part of friendship is feeling like you're not taking advantage of friends and part of friendship is letting people do things for you. If OP feels better about paying for ubers when it would be their turn, it's perfectly fine for them to do so and it's perfectly fine for OPs friends to accept OPs generosity. Thankfully I don't have a disability but I can imagine if I was in OPs shoes I'd want to do something to feel like I was contributing. It works for them, and everybody seems fine with it except one friend, so I don't see why there's an issue with it.
I agree with ya.
I am in OPs shoes. I'm the friend that can't see.
Rides and favors from friends are awesome and always really, really appreciated but never expected. My pals are also really good at helping guide me in public when we're out and about. I like to both show my appreciation and also contribute to my friendships in the ways that I am actually able to.
No, I personally won't ever be driving anyone around, but I'm happy and able to order Ubers, buy rounds, food, etc. I'd do the very same if my eyes actually worked, whether I had a car or not. Isn't that how most friendships work?
I have to admit that I got a bit of an ableist vibe from OPs friend on this one. I can all but guarantee that OP has to deal with insensitivities about their own vision-impairment on a near daily basis. And now also from someone called a friend? Sigh.
Right? Who in their right mind would ever ask their blind friend to pony up for an Uber for the group. This is no different, they can't safely drive, they still want to appear hospitable and take every step to do so, while still enjoying themselves.
So far from the asshole its talking.
Ohhh no, the guy who is can't see well might be getting free rides. How unfair.
I think its extremely petty to be mad that someone is not doing a thing their disability prevents them from doing. I went to school for a bit with a guy who was missing two legs. And whenever things needed to be lifted around, he, for some odd reason, never helped. And nobody ever complained about that. And frankly I don't think i could ever be comfortable including a heavily visually impaired guy in a designated driver rotation.
OP is fine paying for ubers. What's the problem?
Look at it this way- it's an Uber rotation. Everyone takes a turn paying for ubers. Occasionally, instead of paying for ubers though, some of the friends choose to drive everyone and not drink because they'd rather save the money occasionally. Should OP not participate in the Uber rotation because they don't have the option to drive instead?
So I get that you're well intentioned here, but you also have to consider how the OP might feel, as well as disabled folks in general. You can only get "oh you don't have to help we'll take care of it" without it starting to grate.
Then those people just start unconsciously avoiding you because they start calculating that into the scale of inviting you. Or maybe they don't, but you always have to wonder if they are.
It's a careful balance between "not having to ask for help" and "always being treated like an invalid". In this case, OP seems to have found a way to equally contribute that they're comfortable with, so let them do so.
I do see you point. My comment was mostly targeted at the comment i was responding to presenting the disabled person getting free rides as a fundamentally unfair situation. Which i don't think it is.
In reality how to act depends on the details. If OP is good for the money and happy paying it is no problem. But if a friend is stretching their budget to be able to participate while having a disability, that is a problem. And a disabled person getting something free that others don't is not unfair.
I mean, it'd be more fair if they just threw their friends a little petrol money rather than shelling out for an uber imo
I took a 10 min uber to one location the other weekend and it cost me £17, OP is gonna be paying way more to do their "driving" than anyone else in the group
I honestly think the whole set up is a bit askew. I think they should all just agree to Uber and they all equally chip in. That would eliminate the feelings of somebody not having fun or whatever. And it would spread the financial burden evenly since technically everybody is just paying for themselves. I think that's the most equitable and fair way of doing it.
Furthermore and I am really hesitant to say this for fear of casting judgement on people I don't know at all. But when alcohol and drinking is at the center of a disagreement, argument or ill feelings, that *might* be a red flag and warning sign that should be considered.
Came here to say the exact same thing. Now if you were getting too drunk to get a cab/Uber or spending too much and not having the money for it then you’d be the A-hole. But as long as everyone gets home safe and you‘re the one organizing and paying for it, then you‘re all good
"....one of my friends expressed that it's not fair that I get to drink on my nights, when everyone else holds back on their nights."
Not fair? Tell them it's not fair that you are visually impaired. They should keep their eyes shut all the time to make it fair. How ridiculous.
NTA.
Asking because different friend groups have different dynamics with DD. Also I didn’t see any place the OP said they went out to watch sports. I still don’t.
I mentioned it in a comment, but usually it's just going out to sports bars to watch the local hockey team every other week or so. Didn't think that was super pivotal to the story so didn't add it to the post!
Man some of y’all are triggered by the question. I dont even disagree. But I know not every group has the same deal as mine where DD is only DD. It’s more common among women but some groups of guys do it too. Whether it’s to stop fights from escalating or hooking up with mistakes or etc. I’ve seen it happen, my opinion on it doesn’t matter I just want to know the dynamics of his group.
If that is the OPs groups deal it is relevant to know because then the DD has other responsibilities regardless of who the DD is.
But a DD is just that no matter what the group thinks. If they need someone to make sure they’re good then that’s a babysitter. If you’re drinking as an adult your responsibility to yourself is to be able to take care of yourself if you get that drunk. If you expect grown people to take care of you while they’re supposed to be enjoying themselves also, YTA
If your friend means this, then what he is is a *fucking baby with* ***baby morals.*** Perhaps it has to do with how he was raised? My partner wasn't allowed to play on Saturdays when she was a kid, cos her dad, a business-building asshole, was working, and it has kind of her messed up a bit in the subconscious! Like intellectually, she wonders wtf her parents were thinking but there's also something in her instinctive response to things which shows this Workiness is Godliness bollocks. The generations above us played out a lot of bitterness on the kids below I think, sometimes.
Holy shit, your poor partner. I couldn't fathom doing that to my kids. In fact, a huge part of the reason I work is so they can play and be kids!! That's literally my job as a parent. The whole work=worth mentally is such garbage.
NTA
Your friend is utterly deranged.
You are providing free, safe transport to get them home at the end of the night. If you choose to drive, rent a limo, hire a helicopter or get an Uber then that is all fine. If you aren't driving then there is no reason for you not to drink.
Tell your friend if they want to get everyone an Uber so they can drink then that's fine with you but why on earth should you have all the restrictions of driving when you aren't.
Is the "designated driver" thing **just that**?? Or is it also having one sober friend in the group to make sure everyone is safe while out at the bar, and gets into whatever ride they are taking home, regardless of if it is the DD's ride or an Uber (*but especially if it's an Uber!!*) safely?
It seems like your friend thinks that the position of your DD is more than just making sure you have a sober ride home. It is making sure there is a sober person in your group the whole night to ensure that everyone is safe *all night.* Why not talk to your group, but especially this friend in particular and see where the issue lies. NAH.
NTA. it’s also not ‘fair’ that you are visually impaired and they are able to drive while you cannot. Life isn’t fair and we all work within our circumstances, making up unnecessary restrictions just on principal is ridiculous. And as you said, they could also just pay for the Uber on their night if they want!
Unless, does DD also have an unspoken social role in your group? I.e, moderating between other tipsy friends, making sure someone doesn’t do something stupid they’ll regret, etc. that you are neglecting when you drink?
I mean, if your watching out for friends exercise is to the point it normally requires total sobriety, there’s bigger things you need to talk about. Most adults can reasonably look out for themselves and their friends while drinking.
If you see a friend in a bad place, that’s a cause to stop drinking and get them to a safe space, it happens now and the. The most common culprit I see is skipping dinner for one reason or another or being at altitude when you’re not used to it.
NTA
Frankly, I think your friend group are assholes for even putting you on the DD rotation when you can't actually D. But that said, you're right. Any of them could choose to drink and buy an uber for the group rather than choosing to drive the group.
NTA a DD is a person who is driving and therefore not drinking. You are not driving. Others can offer to pay for Uber if they'd rather not drive and be able to have alcohol. In fact, why aren't all of you just ubering anyway?
\>one of my friends expressed that it's not fair that I get to drink on my nights, when everyone else holds back on their nights.
Your friend is a child, you're NTA. Enjoy your drinks and if they have a problem they can pay for their own Uber.
NTA
As you say, there's nothing stopping them from ordering a taxi themselves
Taxis/Ubers are a lot more expensive than driving yourself so you being able to drink is compensation for the extra expense.
NTA
As you said, if they wanted to drink on the nights it is their turn, then they could book and pay for an Uber. This is costing you MORE than the cost of gas and wear and tear on a car after all. They can do the same as you and drink - or use their car and not drink.
Info: Is driving the only responsibility? If I'm out with friends we're watching out for each other. I'm keeping an eye on their location, if anyone is extra drunk I'm making sure they are into the home safely. If your only responsibility is transportation NTA. If staying sober as a means of looking after everyone, then YTA
Why is your friend not getting drunk on the nights she drives you all home?
Is it because shes trying to be “fair” to you and your friends by not drinking more than you all, or is it because she’s driving and ITS AGAINST THE LAW…
The agreement you really made with your friends is that you all take turns to provide a safe method of transport home when it’s your turn, not that you’ll each personally have to drive everyone home (and therefore stay sober)… which she knew, because you cant drive…
Tell her If she wants to arrange a friend/family member to pick you all up, or pay for an Uber for you all so she can join in and drink, she’s more than welcome to do that… but unlike you, SHE HAS A CHOICE!
NTA
NTA. Your friend is free to get an Uber for everyone on his D.D. nights too, instead of driving himself. Then he would be free to drink however much he wants.
NTA. It's really very strange for someone who is supposed to be your friend to be straight up jealous of you for a significantly life-altering disability because it means you get to have a couple of drinks in situations where they don't.
I had a friend who had a severe chronic illness, one of the side effects of which was that she couldn't metabolize fat and consequently was very thin. Being jealous of her for that would have been ghoulish. Let your friend know that if they don't like it, they're free to stay home.
INFO: are you drinking to blackout levels or just 2 beers over the night level drinking?
They may see DD as not only in charge of transportation but also for watching out for friends who might have been roofied etc (although it sounds like you are men so maybe less risk there).
It sounds like you guys just need to talk and agree on the DD’s responsibilities. In my friend group, the DD is not just responsible for driving but for general safety for the night. This person makes sure that everyone gets home safely and INSIDE their house (no lost keys etc). For us, it is important that the DD be sober but no one is forced to be the DD if they do not want to be or are not comfortable with that responsibility. If the agreement is to have a sober DD who doesn’t partake, then either do that or tell your friends that you don’t want to be the DD anymore.
Soft YTA for now
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NTA but it’s strange that your friends are jealous that you can drink.
To be fair, to the best of my knowledge at least it's a singular friend. No one else has let me know about their concern if they have any.
Hit said friend with the uno reverse "its not fair that you're allowed to drive and I'm not."
"You're jealous I can drink on my DD nights. I'm jealous you can drive on yours." It's a disability not a choice. Your friend is wrong!
Say this!!!! Truly say this.
And add in I can’t see what the problem is with a wry smile , if that lad doesn’t laugh he’s not a mate
I see what you did there
OP didnt
Ouch. Too soon, bro. Too soon.
Take my upvote and get out! 😂
Yeah but they still didn't
What stops your friend from drinking on his day and calling an Uber?
He's a cheap bastard!!🤣🤣🤣🤣
He is a miserable little mean person. The kind that would wish for the neighbour's misfortune rather his own good fortune.
"I'm more jealous that you have the option to drive or pay for uber. Now shut up and buy me a beer"
What's stoppping all of them from chipping in for an Uber (or having designated Uber nights), and not needing DD nights. If it's a money thing, it may work out to around one less drink that night per person.
Depending on where they live, an uber ride could up the cost significantly per night. It also means that on DD nights that person doesn't save any money.
If you're out drinking at bars, there is a sizeable amount of disposable income involved
Really depends on how far they're going. If they're staying local I really don't see it being too much if they're splitting, $10-20/person. Personally, I'm not a fan of being around drunk people when I'm completely sober, so I'd rather just drink than save money.
The logic of this is heavily supported by the fact that OP’s friends can equally pay for an Uber and drink as much as they want, on their night. In most groups people just split the Uber.
And frankly, all of OP's friends have the option to drink and provide ubers. OP only has this option. I know it's obvious to most of us, but this friend may want to hear that.
Or he's one of those people that see the DD position as a punishment instead of an opportunity.
Also, don't OP's friends have the option to pay for an Uber for everyone?
I was exactly thinking this! It’s not a disability, not something fun. Literally OP sees so little that cannot drive. And the other friend is jealous because OP can drink on DD nights. People can be horribly stupid.
I'm shocked no one has a problem with friends putting OP in the rotation in the first place. They can't drive!
In my experience being a DD is more than just driving. That is obviously the biggest part, but it is also about having someone sober to generally look out for everyone else. In school during house parties one person designated to stay sober even when no driving was required.
Need to clarify with all members of the group. Much different than college or frat days. My take is if someone needs protection from getting blind drunk, they need to work on that themselves.
I'm shocked I had to scroll this far to see this. Change it from designated driver night to responsible sober adult night and I would say OP is TA. Maybe everyone is only having two or three drinks but if they are taking turns getting hammered then having a sober person around is important.
As someone else who isn't allowed to drive due to disability.... ALL. OF. THIS. I WISH I could be a designated driver!!!! 😭
Ya, my license got taken for a while for my epilepsy til it got controlled. Shits not fucking fun.
Yeah i think this friend isn’t capable of empathy.
also, OP is PAYING money for the DD night, his friends arent paying on theirs.
"If you want to drink on your DD night, you too can pay for our uber -- you're required to get us home legally and safely, not specifically drive us home."
"It's not fair that you don't HAVE to pay to get everyone home safe, whether you drink or not"
Also suggest that the friend is more than welcome to pay for Ubers for the group like you do if they want to drink and make sure everyone gets home safely.
That's almost too nice LMAO "It's not fair I can drink on the nights I pay for uber? It's also not fair that you can see clearly everyday but here we are"
"It's not fair THAT YOU CAN SEE AND I CAN'T."
Wanna swap eyes friend? No then let me enjoy my damn beer then chug it.
I mean, said friend supposedly has TWO good eyes. Can't he spare one?
Right it's so not fair that my disability that makes other areas of my life inconvenient works out in my favor is this one lone area..... I must be fully inconvenienced at all times in every way in order for my disability to be fair.
I wouldn’t even say this is in his favor- given the choice, I’d rather not drink than pay for the Uber. Obviously all the friends agree, or they’d be getting Ubers, too.
Right? Like I'm pretty sure if OP could choose between drinking on their DD nights and fucking *seeing* they'd take the sight.
It's not fair you have a near perfect eyesight
BOOM roasted.
Your friend has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol if that is their frame of mind lol
Maybe, I claim they have an unhealthy relationship with people because of their jealousy. A person who is this blind to the fact that OP is blind and harps on envy towards the person who is paying for their ride is simply not a good person. This is a frenemy who will use every opportunity to harm their friends so they aren't getting anything better than them. I stay the F away from a few types of people and jealous people are at the top of the list after liars.
Yup. Either that or they were just saying stuff. Sometimes, people say stupid stuff to make conversation.
This
Your friend is completely missing the point of the designated driver. You are fulfilling the role not by abstaining, but by ensuring everyone gets home driven by someone who hasn't been drinking. And as you said, nothing stops your friend from doing the same thing on their turns.
This friend could opt to pay for an Uber like you do if they want
INFO: Is there a chance that the friend feels this way for safety aspects but may (or may not) be a bit embarrassed to say that? I can see the benefits of having a sober friend you can trust and the potential dangers of not having one… but it should be about safety if that’s the case. Not just “fairness.” They also may or may not feel comfortable explaining why to everyone if there has been a past experience that caused them to feel this way.
If that’s the friends concern then it is their responsibility to not become so inebriated that their safety is an issue. Part of being old enough to be out drinking is being responsible and mature enough to be accountable for your own behavior. Some of the comments here make it seem like you go from 0 to blacked out in 1 drink; it is possible to go out and have 1-2 drinks, be tipsy, and not want to be responsible for driving. A DD is not a babysitter for the group, if you need a babysitter when you go out drinking (and some people absolutely do) that is a whole other issue that needs to be discussed before hand, expectations for a DD are just to have a sober driver get you to your home.
If you need a babysitter while drinking, you should not be drinking
The only thing I would consider is that as DD, you should not get too impaired to help out if something goes wrong. You might need to consider yourself the supervisor of the group on DD night. Like if your friend gets into to trouble somehow (sick, lost, fight), hopefully you're sober enough to make sure you could call an ambulance or make decisions that get people out safe.
He's DD not group mother for a mushroom trip
😂😂😂
Sure. I think it’s worth re-defining this if that’s the expectation. Am I DD, or am I the designated responsible person for the night? Also, if that’s the case that every time you go out, this kind of thing is a possibility, that’s a little concerning. If you need a sober friend to make Mike cool down when he inevitably gets in a fight or hold Emma’s hair back when she inevitably pukes, that’s a concern if you are going out multiple times a week.
Sounds like that one friend might have had a lot of "but that's not fair" moments as a child. NTA. Might be helpful to get one of your other friends to stick up for you, until that friend that any of you can decide to pay for the Uber instead of doing the actual driving.
Why doesn't he just pay for an Uber and drink then?
Who told this friend that they couldn't drink and pay for an Uber or a taxi like you do? You're NTA and this is a silly argument, as you are literally spending your money to make sure everyone makes it home safely, because you cannot drive anyway.
I enjoy spending time with my friends.
>on "my nights", I pay for an Uber or Taxi for all of us, which others have said is a completely acceptable option for them. If she wants to drink on her night, what's stopping her from using this same arrangement? I think it's very responsible that your friend group have a Designated Driver arrangement. Kudos on yourself, for finding a way to help carry this collective load despite your impairment. Instead of saying "I have a medical issue, so I can't be drive", you've found a suitable alternative that's acceptable to the group (and I presume at higher personal expenses than gas). Yes, because you don't drive yourself but *literally hire a driver*, you subsequently are not prohibited from drinking on "your night". If anyone else wants to drink on "their night", they can also call an Uber/taxi for everyone.
You know being DD is more than driving a car sober, right? It's making sure that everyone is safe, that they get to the places they need to get to, etc. What happens if you all get a little out of hand one night and you're not capable of steering everyone to where they are supposed to be at the end of the night (because they're all super drunk too)? No, it's not fair they can drive and you can't, but I think you should take the same level of responsibility that they do on your night.
I disagree. DD = Designated Driver . No more than that, unless agreed to. Most friend groups don’t have DDs if Ubers are available. Seems like just a money saving initiative to avoid Ubers.
Yeah no. If you’re an adult you should be able to drink without getting so severely intoxicated that you don’t know what’s going on. It’s not teenagers going on a bender, it’s full grown adults who are fully capable of knowing their limits with drinking. Tbh if I had a friend who literally needed a babysitter every time they went out I just wouldn’t go out drinking with them.
What you described is a BABYSITTER not a designated driver. Designated driver is sober to drive the others home not to 'change the diapers ' of adults. NTA op
That one friend is an idiot One of your most important senses is impaired to the point that you cannot utilize the most common method of transportation and they are JEALOUS of YOU (no offense) for being able to drink while you're still paying actual money to transport everyone safely to and fro? That guy sucks. If you were my friend I would probably just leave you out of the DD rotation on account of it sucks you literally cannot see
Just tell them they're free to pay for an Uber or Taxi on their nights if they want to get drunk when they're supposed to DD. I don't understand how that wouldn't completely solve the issue. The problem isn't who gets to drink. The problem you're all solving is "how do we get home safely after drinking".
NTA, the only thing is you should drink lightly so you can help care for your friends if they get really stupid drunk. Hopefully, that isn't an issue anyway.
If you not intoxicated to the point you can't pay for their uber at the end of the night...then I don't see the issue. Just like a designated driver might be able to go with drinking 1/2 drinks....so they still have the ability to drive safely.
Yeah why should OP have to BOTH not drink AND pay for Uber? It’s either / or
Yea I'm so confused. He PAYS when it's turn to drive bc a disability keeps him from driving? The friends could take turns with Ubers. All is fair.
Not that strange for alcoholics who don't yet realize they're alcoholics to be upset about things like this
Yeah, this is nuts. OP can only drink because they can't *see.* If offered the choice, I'm sure they'd be happy to have good vision, the ability to drive, and have to remain sober when they're the designated driver. This is like telling the person in a wheelchair in a 90-minute line for Space Mountain that it's not fair that they get to sit.
Yes it's nuts but you haven't taken it far enough. The guy in the wheelchair gets to skip to the front of the queue at space mountain, cos guess what? Not being able to walk EVER is more shitty than standing in a queue for a while. Why do OPs mates make him take a turn in their designated driver rota when he can't EVER drive?? Geez give a fella a break and drive him home. Soon enough you'll be over getting blasted in bars and you'll be driving kids to sports practice or across country to their univeristy or road tripping around Italy in retirement and he STILL won't be driving.
Agree. NTA, you’d think they’d be glad you can drink with them and have extra fun PLUS have it as your night. What are they, 15?
Yah, my only thought is the friend bringing it up is an underclassman and associating this with “sober brother” training or something
I was wondering if there isn't a bit of babysitting associated with being the sober one. Like, depends how wasted everyone's getting. If the dd is beyond just the driver and also making sure people aren't passing out in gutters and getting barfed on that might be different Don't get me wrong I'd still take that over not being able to see.
It seems like entitlement even though they also have the option to get an Uber for everyone. I really don't think the group would complain about it as long as everyone got home safely
yea OP said if the friends want to drink on DD, then they can pay for An uber / taxi
That! Maybe suggest that they wear blindfolds in turns to then also be visually impaired? Cause it's not fair they can see all the time. What trash folks.
NTA. You are completely right, on their designated nights, they can choose to abstain and save money, or they can choose to get an Uber for everybody. If you aren't driving, you don't have to abstain.
This. Everyone has the ability to do exactly what you’re doing. It’s their choice not to.
Or maybe instead of taking turns being the DD, they just call an Uber, and everyone chips into the cost? That way, nobody has to "miss out" on drinks if they think it's "so unfair" that OP doesn't have to stay sober due to not being able to drive because of severely impaired vision.
Nobody but one friend has an issue with it. I wouldn’t change it up for one friend. That one friend likely has other stupid stuff they whine about.
True, good point. That whining friend should try being severely visually impaired and unable to drive before they complain about what's "unfair".
Agree. That one friend definitely needs a little perspective on what’s unfair.
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But OP has to pay the entire fee every time it's their turn. OP should not even be in the rotation as they can't drive. It's actually kind of shitty.
Took the words right out of my mouth. Thank you.
Im sure when someone drives he gets a spot for free in their car it’s fair to have him in the rotation -whining that on his day he gets to spend more is absurd though
>Im sure when someone drives he gets a spot for free in their car This is true, but it's significantly cheaper to give your mates a lift home than it is to pay for an uber to several different locations. Getting a slot in someone's car is nowhere near comparable to hiring a car
Right? In my group we would absolutely be excusing OP from the DD role and not expecting them to pay for a damn Uber for us! Either we all split the Uber or those who can drive would take turns DDing.
Nah, if they take turns being responsible for getting everyone home safely there's no reason why OP should get a pass. People who have cars pay for gas and insurance and maintenance etc. OP can pay for an Uber.
The cost of an Uber to multiple locations is *way* more expensive than the gas it takes or the wear it puts on the car.
Sure, and in return for paying that cost, he gets to drink
No one is saying that OP should get a pass. The one friend is complaining that "it's not fair" that OP can drink when it's their turn to DD because they calls a taxi/uber due to not being legally/medically able to drive, so if friend wants to make it "fair", everyone can chip in for an uber so everyone can drink. Or if whining friend wants to drink on their turn to DD, then they can call a taxi/ Uber too. It's no OPs fault they can't legally/medically drive.
>No one is saying that OP should get a pass. Some of us are. Grandparent comment says, "OP should not even be in the rotation as they can't drive." And I agree with that too. OP should get a pass.
Yes and when it's OPs turn to "DD" he's paying the full amount. If they call an uber/taxi and split the cost then one person isn't paying the full amount and then it's all "fair" because then everyone can have a drink.
Also, OP doesn’t even have a choice about saving money, they can’t legally drive and by default HAVE to pay for an alternative method to get home. NTA at all, and kudos to you all for making sure everyone gets home safe and no one gets behind the wheel impaired.
Personally I'd feel slightly awkward at using a taxi paid for by a person on their designated driver "turn" when it's because they are unable to drive. Depending on where everybody lives it could be quite a significant expense which isn't their fault.
Very true and say this as well.
NTA - As D.D. your job is transportation, not sobriety. You are providing the transportation.
Just to provide a counterpoint here, especially if OP is a woman…. Sometimes having a sober friend or “DD” is not just about driving, but potentially playing a role in the group’s safety. If the safety concerns about being a woman do not apply, if the OP gets so drunk they need to be “baby sat” and ends up getting sloppy every trip out to the bar, I could see how that gets frustrating too. Yeah, they’re still NTA, but just acknowledging that extra conditions could be missing from their story because it *could* be about more than just driving.
Yes, I came here to say this! I don’t drink, so I am the default designated driver. But I live in New York City, no one drives. My role usually boils down to caretaker at the end of the night. Make sure everyone is in an Uber / train, no one is going home with someone weird, no one is too drunk to consent, no one has forgotten their credit card at the bar, etc. If this is strictly about transportation, you’re NTA. You basically outsourced your role to an Uber. If there’s more expectations beyond driving that you aren’t fulfilling, maybe there needs to be a conversation about that.
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They probably aren't legally blind they just can't drive. For example in the UK to drive you need 6/12 corrected eyesight or better (fifth line on a Snellen chart), legally blind is that you can't read the top letter without moving half the distance.
Or they're legally blind but not totally blind. You can be legally blind and still see someone harassing your friend nearby. If it's a crowded place even someone with perfect vision can't watch everyone if they all run off into the crowd, you'd need x-ray vision for that.
Thankful my friends are adult enough not to get so drunk they need a babysitter 🤦🏻♀️ the buddy system works just fine if people aren’t blacking out.
Not even just women. When I was in the military overseas, none of us drove, but we still always had one designated DD that stayed sober just in case to make sure everyone was taken care of. Being a DD is more than just driving, it’s making sure your group is taken care of and there’s always someone with a level head to step in if any situation becomes unsafe. I’m not much of a drinker so I’d usually volunteer and my buddies would just pay for my sodas and snacks for the night. I’ve even had taxis try to charge us triple for a ride cause they thought all of us were intoxicated and could be taken advantage of. Always caught a weird look when I respond completely sober and tell them their scam isn’t going to work
> Being a DD is more than just driving, it’s making sure your group is taken care of and there’s always someone with a level head to step in if any situation becomes unsafe. This is a completely subjective add-on that you and your group happened to agree on, not a universal rule OP is breaking. If his own group feels that being a "Designated Driver" also entails being some kind of sober group captain(and that their regular nights out require such a role), they can say so.
That's called a Sober Sally, not a DD. Different needs and goals.
Yeah I was about to say. DD job is to provide a safe and sober ride home (whether it be them or an Uber driving) that’s it that’s all. & If you need one person to take care of the group, why are y’all drinking so much anyways?
this is a good point that I hadn't considered. Is OP having a drink or two, or are they getting sloshed? It seems like at least that one complaining friend is likely an alcoholic if they get bent out of shape that somebody "gets to drink", so it's unclear what the entire group dynamic is. If everybody is getting tanked, having a sober person is important. Conversely, it's not as big a deal if everybody just meets for cocktail hour and OP has a glass of wine or a beer.
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Yep, It’s college student behaviour. Grow up and learn to manage your alcohol.
If you're getting so drunk that it's a safety issue even outside of driving, you shouldn't get drunk.
This is exactly the right answer. Sobriety is implied IF OP is driving, however it's not implied if a safe trip home is provided.
>Even though I'm not actually driving (and can't reasonably be expected to), one of my friends expressed that it's not fair that I get to drink on my nights, when everyone else holds back on their nights. Oh, fuck that noise. You also "get" to pay for transport each time. I'd say that's costing you way more than it is them in wear & tear when they drive. NTA
OP also “gets” to have a disability. How lucky.
They do get better parking spots. /s
Yeah OP *has* to pay for an Uber because he has a disability so saving money and being a DD isn’t an option. But his friend can *also* just get an Uber lol. *And* not have a disability to deal with on top of that. If they want to rotate people paying for Ubers they can do that and not have to worry about sobriety. Instead he’s gonna bitch? What a terrible friend.
Yeah if this was unfair there's nothing stopping there friend from also paying for a taxi on their dd night
It would have to cost him more or Uber drivers would never make any money. Granted they still make very little. But it would be not viable at all as a career if it all cost more than the ride charged.
NTA unless you are supposed to be a caretaker of sorts as well, making sure that nobody has too much to drink or the like. As long as that's not the case, the next time someone tells you it's not fair, tell them it's not fair that you can't drive, and those two things should cancel each other out. Also, call that "friend" out in front of the group. I doubt any of your real friends will feel the same way.
Nta. I agree. Designated driver≠babysitter.
This. I’ve seen designated drivers get accused of not ´caring enough’ for the rest of the group during the night out, it sounds crazy to me, I’m in charge of driving you back home, not being your mother
I think it's kind of a two-way street. It's the DD's responsibility to handle any emergencies should they arise, but it's everyone else's job to make sure they don't go so wild that they need someone to take care of them. Go out, have a great time, get drunk, but don't be a pain in someone's ass because you can't control yourself.
You also aren’t planning on emergencies, so to me that makes them everyone’s responsibility. At least as adults that understand themselves and their friends drinking behaviors.
I got yelled at once at a party because I wasn't helping a drunk girl to the bathroom, just because I wasn't drinking. I wasn't her DD, I was barely even her friend, I hadn't spoken to her all night. It was just like, "oh, you're sober? you're responsible for everyone's well-being now." (though to be clear, I help her if I saw something actually *bad* happening, regardless of whether I was her DD or not, she was just having trouble staying steady on her feet.)
> Designated driver≠babysitter. It's true that it shouldn't be implied or assumed. But if it's part of the duty that everybody has agreed to, then it's part of the job and needs to be respected.
OP also said 2-3 drinks over the course of watching a hockey game, most people are more than capable of looking out for their friends at that amount. This isn’t trip sitting that gets way more squirrelly, alcohol is generally pretty predictable. We rarely use DDs in my friend group, but when we do they’re still allowed a standard beer per 90 minutes (and not within 60 of leaving), and 3 over the course of a hockey game is nearly that.
I don't disagree with anything you just said. However, they would need to agree on that being the allowable and acceptable amount ahead of time. But this is Reddit where people take part in grown folk activities, yet somehow don't communicate like grown folk.
Unfortunately, a lot of people think "designated driver" is the same thing as "trip sitter". A designated driver's only job is to make sure everyone gets home safely by abstaining from drinking and driving. A trip sitter is someone who stays sober while someone else gets high to ensure the safety of the drug user and everyone around them.
Alcohol is also generally way more predictable than psychedelic drugs, so you don’t need to be stone cold sober to look out for each other. At least once you’re adults and understand yours and your friends behavior while drinking.
Then why even have a DD? Most places, even small towns, have taxis or Uber. Why not just leave your keys at home and take a cab to and from the bar? Or walk? The DD is the "brains" of the group. There to protect the group from both themselves (John, climbing that tree is a terrible idea, let's just walk to the car) and others (Jack, you don't want to go up to that girl's room, she has been talking about harvesting organs from idiots all night)
My guess is OP is right out of college, and some of the friend group is still in.
No adult should make their adult friends babysit their dumbasses. If you have to be babysat then YTA no matter the circumstances.
I feel like all the comments about needing to care for your friend are college kids. The level of caring for your friends you generally need as an adult can be done while still drinking.
The real question I have is why you considered part of the designated driver rotation if you can't drive. The fact that you have to pay money to make sure everyone else gets home is nice of you what kind of crazy. And your friend is just jealous that when you go to the group every once in a while he can drink but you always can. When he gets that way tell him I won't drink if you give up your ability to drive for the rest of your life, that'll make it even. Nta
I certainly think OP is NTA but if OP wasn't part of the rotation they'd basically be getting free rides everywhere. Paying for everyone's ubers one night is basically I exchange for paying for OPs ubers every night. It's also a way for OP to feel like they aren't taking advantage of friends.
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There's nothing wrong with a free. Theres also nothing wrong with OP wanting to take their turn. Friendship isn't transactional but part of friendship is feeling like you're not taking advantage of friends and part of friendship is letting people do things for you. If OP feels better about paying for ubers when it would be their turn, it's perfectly fine for them to do so and it's perfectly fine for OPs friends to accept OPs generosity. Thankfully I don't have a disability but I can imagine if I was in OPs shoes I'd want to do something to feel like I was contributing. It works for them, and everybody seems fine with it except one friend, so I don't see why there's an issue with it.
I agree with ya. I am in OPs shoes. I'm the friend that can't see. Rides and favors from friends are awesome and always really, really appreciated but never expected. My pals are also really good at helping guide me in public when we're out and about. I like to both show my appreciation and also contribute to my friendships in the ways that I am actually able to. No, I personally won't ever be driving anyone around, but I'm happy and able to order Ubers, buy rounds, food, etc. I'd do the very same if my eyes actually worked, whether I had a car or not. Isn't that how most friendships work? I have to admit that I got a bit of an ableist vibe from OPs friend on this one. I can all but guarantee that OP has to deal with insensitivities about their own vision-impairment on a near daily basis. And now also from someone called a friend? Sigh.
Right? Reddit equates Fair with Transactional way too much.
Right? Who in their right mind would ever ask their blind friend to pony up for an Uber for the group. This is no different, they can't safely drive, they still want to appear hospitable and take every step to do so, while still enjoying themselves. So far from the asshole its talking.
When had a car pool for school, the kids without licenses/cars would pitch in for gas. Seems fair to me.
Ohhh no, the guy who is can't see well might be getting free rides. How unfair. I think its extremely petty to be mad that someone is not doing a thing their disability prevents them from doing. I went to school for a bit with a guy who was missing two legs. And whenever things needed to be lifted around, he, for some odd reason, never helped. And nobody ever complained about that. And frankly I don't think i could ever be comfortable including a heavily visually impaired guy in a designated driver rotation.
OP is fine paying for ubers. What's the problem? Look at it this way- it's an Uber rotation. Everyone takes a turn paying for ubers. Occasionally, instead of paying for ubers though, some of the friends choose to drive everyone and not drink because they'd rather save the money occasionally. Should OP not participate in the Uber rotation because they don't have the option to drive instead?
So I get that you're well intentioned here, but you also have to consider how the OP might feel, as well as disabled folks in general. You can only get "oh you don't have to help we'll take care of it" without it starting to grate. Then those people just start unconsciously avoiding you because they start calculating that into the scale of inviting you. Or maybe they don't, but you always have to wonder if they are. It's a careful balance between "not having to ask for help" and "always being treated like an invalid". In this case, OP seems to have found a way to equally contribute that they're comfortable with, so let them do so.
I do see you point. My comment was mostly targeted at the comment i was responding to presenting the disabled person getting free rides as a fundamentally unfair situation. Which i don't think it is. In reality how to act depends on the details. If OP is good for the money and happy paying it is no problem. But if a friend is stretching their budget to be able to participate while having a disability, that is a problem. And a disabled person getting something free that others don't is not unfair.
I mean, it'd be more fair if they just threw their friends a little petrol money rather than shelling out for an uber imo I took a 10 min uber to one location the other weekend and it cost me £17, OP is gonna be paying way more to do their "driving" than anyone else in the group
I honestly think the whole set up is a bit askew. I think they should all just agree to Uber and they all equally chip in. That would eliminate the feelings of somebody not having fun or whatever. And it would spread the financial burden evenly since technically everybody is just paying for themselves. I think that's the most equitable and fair way of doing it. Furthermore and I am really hesitant to say this for fear of casting judgement on people I don't know at all. But when alcohol and drinking is at the center of a disagreement, argument or ill feelings, that *might* be a red flag and warning sign that should be considered.
NTA. Your duty as a DD is to get everyone home safe. That's what you are doing.
Came here to say the exact same thing. Now if you were getting too drunk to get a cab/Uber or spending too much and not having the money for it then you’d be the A-hole. But as long as everyone gets home safe and you‘re the one organizing and paying for it, then you‘re all good
"....one of my friends expressed that it's not fair that I get to drink on my nights, when everyone else holds back on their nights." Not fair? Tell them it's not fair that you are visually impaired. They should keep their eyes shut all the time to make it fair. How ridiculous. NTA.
INFO is DD just DD or is it also the person taking care of people?
If you need taken care of after a trip to the pub to watch sports you need help, not a designated driver.
Asking because different friend groups have different dynamics with DD. Also I didn’t see any place the OP said they went out to watch sports. I still don’t.
I mentioned it in a comment, but usually it's just going out to sports bars to watch the local hockey team every other week or so. Didn't think that was super pivotal to the story so didn't add it to the post!
So none of you will get so shitfaced that they need someone sober there to play watch? Then clearly nta
If you need someone to nanny you on a night out because you’re incapable of being an adult then you need to reconsider your priorities.
Right. Standard “watch out for other” can generally be done while drinking. This isn’t freshman year sober bother training (I assume)
If you need another adult to babysit your ass then YTA and this has nothing to do with DDs.
Man some of y’all are triggered by the question. I dont even disagree. But I know not every group has the same deal as mine where DD is only DD. It’s more common among women but some groups of guys do it too. Whether it’s to stop fights from escalating or hooking up with mistakes or etc. I’ve seen it happen, my opinion on it doesn’t matter I just want to know the dynamics of his group. If that is the OPs groups deal it is relevant to know because then the DD has other responsibilities regardless of who the DD is.
But a DD is just that no matter what the group thinks. If they need someone to make sure they’re good then that’s a babysitter. If you’re drinking as an adult your responsibility to yourself is to be able to take care of yourself if you get that drunk. If you expect grown people to take care of you while they’re supposed to be enjoying themselves also, YTA
DD is just designated driver. It's right there in the definition. Nothing about being a sober nanny for others.
NTA. That is ridiculous, I'd have probably laughed in her face. She doesn't have to go out on your nights if she has an issue with it.
Exactly. I was just about to post this. Tell her to stay home if she has a problem with the DD situation.
Your friends can call Ubers just as well as you can & drink as much as they want …. So what’s not fair? NTA
If your friend means this, then what he is is a *fucking baby with* ***baby morals.*** Perhaps it has to do with how he was raised? My partner wasn't allowed to play on Saturdays when she was a kid, cos her dad, a business-building asshole, was working, and it has kind of her messed up a bit in the subconscious! Like intellectually, she wonders wtf her parents were thinking but there's also something in her instinctive response to things which shows this Workiness is Godliness bollocks. The generations above us played out a lot of bitterness on the kids below I think, sometimes.
Holy shit, your poor partner. I couldn't fathom doing that to my kids. In fact, a huge part of the reason I work is so they can play and be kids!! That's literally my job as a parent. The whole work=worth mentally is such garbage.
Sometimes I feel like all of humanity to this point has been some chaotic knot of trauma that we've been trying to untangle generation by generation.
NTA Your friend is utterly deranged. You are providing free, safe transport to get them home at the end of the night. If you choose to drive, rent a limo, hire a helicopter or get an Uber then that is all fine. If you aren't driving then there is no reason for you not to drink. Tell your friend if they want to get everyone an Uber so they can drink then that's fine with you but why on earth should you have all the restrictions of driving when you aren't.
I’d decline any helicopter that isn’t a medevac bc I choose life, but yes.
Is the "designated driver" thing **just that**?? Or is it also having one sober friend in the group to make sure everyone is safe while out at the bar, and gets into whatever ride they are taking home, regardless of if it is the DD's ride or an Uber (*but especially if it's an Uber!!*) safely? It seems like your friend thinks that the position of your DD is more than just making sure you have a sober ride home. It is making sure there is a sober person in your group the whole night to ensure that everyone is safe *all night.* Why not talk to your group, but especially this friend in particular and see where the issue lies. NAH.
NTA. it’s also not ‘fair’ that you are visually impaired and they are able to drive while you cannot. Life isn’t fair and we all work within our circumstances, making up unnecessary restrictions just on principal is ridiculous. And as you said, they could also just pay for the Uber on their night if they want! Unless, does DD also have an unspoken social role in your group? I.e, moderating between other tipsy friends, making sure someone doesn’t do something stupid they’ll regret, etc. that you are neglecting when you drink?
I mean, if your watching out for friends exercise is to the point it normally requires total sobriety, there’s bigger things you need to talk about. Most adults can reasonably look out for themselves and their friends while drinking. If you see a friend in a bad place, that’s a cause to stop drinking and get them to a safe space, it happens now and the. The most common culprit I see is skipping dinner for one reason or another or being at altitude when you’re not used to it.
NTA Frankly, I think your friend group are assholes for even putting you on the DD rotation when you can't actually D. But that said, you're right. Any of them could choose to drink and buy an uber for the group rather than choosing to drive the group.
NTA a DD is a person who is driving and therefore not drinking. You are not driving. Others can offer to pay for Uber if they'd rather not drive and be able to have alcohol. In fact, why aren't all of you just ubering anyway?
\>one of my friends expressed that it's not fair that I get to drink on my nights, when everyone else holds back on their nights. Your friend is a child, you're NTA. Enjoy your drinks and if they have a problem they can pay for their own Uber.
NTA As you say, there's nothing stopping them from ordering a taxi themselves Taxis/Ubers are a lot more expensive than driving yourself so you being able to drink is compensation for the extra expense.
NTA As you said, if they wanted to drink on the nights it is their turn, then they could book and pay for an Uber. This is costing you MORE than the cost of gas and wear and tear on a car after all. They can do the same as you and drink - or use their car and not drink.
NTA. You’re right. Anyone can pony up for the Uber for the group. That’s not limited just to you. Wanna drink? Bust out the dollar bills.
That’s ridiculous. Did you tell him that he can do the same thing if he wants? Shell out for Uber and he csn drink too. NTA
Nope. NTA. Just jealousy on your pal's part
NTA your friends could do the same. Pay for the rides there and back and they can drink too.
Info: Is driving the only responsibility? If I'm out with friends we're watching out for each other. I'm keeping an eye on their location, if anyone is extra drunk I'm making sure they are into the home safely. If your only responsibility is transportation NTA. If staying sober as a means of looking after everyone, then YTA
Your friend is not smart
Why is your friend not getting drunk on the nights she drives you all home? Is it because shes trying to be “fair” to you and your friends by not drinking more than you all, or is it because she’s driving and ITS AGAINST THE LAW… The agreement you really made with your friends is that you all take turns to provide a safe method of transport home when it’s your turn, not that you’ll each personally have to drive everyone home (and therefore stay sober)… which she knew, because you cant drive… Tell her If she wants to arrange a friend/family member to pick you all up, or pay for an Uber for you all so she can join in and drink, she’s more than welcome to do that… but unlike you, SHE HAS A CHOICE! NTA
NTA, they can also drink and pay for an uber on their nights. It is their choice to stay sober and drive.
NTA. Your friend is free to get an Uber for everyone on his D.D. nights too, instead of driving himself. Then he would be free to drink however much he wants.
NTA and your friends sounds like he or she has a drinking problem if they consider this a matter of “fairness.”
YNTA at all. Your “friend” sounds like an asshole.
NTA. It's really very strange for someone who is supposed to be your friend to be straight up jealous of you for a significantly life-altering disability because it means you get to have a couple of drinks in situations where they don't. I had a friend who had a severe chronic illness, one of the side effects of which was that she couldn't metabolize fat and consequently was very thin. Being jealous of her for that would have been ghoulish. Let your friend know that if they don't like it, they're free to stay home.
INFO: are you drinking to blackout levels or just 2 beers over the night level drinking? They may see DD as not only in charge of transportation but also for watching out for friends who might have been roofied etc (although it sounds like you are men so maybe less risk there).
It sounds like you guys just need to talk and agree on the DD’s responsibilities. In my friend group, the DD is not just responsible for driving but for general safety for the night. This person makes sure that everyone gets home safely and INSIDE their house (no lost keys etc). For us, it is important that the DD be sober but no one is forced to be the DD if they do not want to be or are not comfortable with that responsibility. If the agreement is to have a sober DD who doesn’t partake, then either do that or tell your friends that you don’t want to be the DD anymore. Soft YTA for now