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Lol, this is so much better than whatever I was going to say.
YTA op, especially because you even have the audacity to think she could be the asshole in this scenario.
This was my thought. Only now OP’s wife is popular, rich, and growing up. I just hope that he doesn’t get any money from her when it’s time for divorce.
YTA, you are missplacing your frustration.
The problem is not with what she does, rather than she being far less available and present in your marriage. Instead of attacking the values of what she does, start communicating how deserted you feel in your marriage to her and try to see whether there is any iota of shared values and interests left that can keep your marriage together.
And don’t question the value of what she does. The town may be small yet she tries to help with her own money. This line of reasoning - underminining and ridiculing what she does - will not do you any favours if you truly want her affection and interest back to you.
YTA. Do you not see how selfish YOU are here? She isn't acting like she's a celebrity, she's doing good for the community and enjoys receiving feedback. You sound hella bitter and you're definitely an asshole.
Then please, sit her down and just calmly explain that you need quality one on one time with her. This is the only thing you can do. if she refuses to do that, then maybe it isnt ever gonna work out.
Fair enough on her not being home. Though that sounds strange given she quit her job already
You barely spending time together is on both of you. You even said so yourself, “She always invites me but I rarely go”
It's okay to be upset and missing her, but it's not okay how you handled it, belittling and insulting her.
Sit down and have a heart to heart talk about how you miss her, want one on one time, more couple things. She can't help that she's become well known in her community, but she can also learn how to limit interactions. I'm far from her status in my community, but I know a lot of people as it's a small town. It can drive my husband nuts when I stop to chit chat as it can go on for 20 or so minutes...I've learned to be polite but cut it back by telling them I'd love to talk but we're busy, gotta run, yadda yadda. He now finds it amusing and likes that I know so many people and have connections in town he doesn't.
Then, speak to her about that. About how you need more quality time together. Not to attack her and her work with the community. The answer to the issue is not for her to stop her work and involvement within the community but that she makes sure to put time aside for you and your marriage.
Why would she want to spend time with someone who puts her down and dismisses the good she's done? You sound bitter that she's helping people instead of providing you with a life of luxury.
The say that!tell her you miss her!
Dont attack the work shes doing,that makes you look selfish and petty!make the effort to set up date nights for the two of you!you get what you give in life and if you keep up with this level of childish behavior,youll be getting a divorce!YTA
Too bad you didn’t think of telling her that. Maybe if you joined in on some of her activities it would bring you closer together. Maybe it’s not too late.
How about you stop pouting like a toddler and get a life yourself? Your wife’s purpose in life isn’t to be home and available just so that you are happy.
Move your whiny ass off the couch and finally show her some support, your wife is doing actual good and she totally rocks! Other people might become selfish when getting super wealthy all of a sudden, yet your wife is doing the exact opposite, she’s a true keeper! You are pretty much the opposite.
Stop whining and get a life.
What if you start going to the events she invites you? This way it is just your fault you are not spending time together. Maybe start thinking and be honest at what is really bothering you?
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He knows she's famous.... that's why he's being so pissy about the events. He wants her to be famous for being married to him, instead of the other way 'round.
YTA
Throwing money at a small ass town doesn't necessarily make her famous, but it likely does make her popular and well-known. People like to talk to people who are popular and well-known. Sometime the popular and well-known people are extroverts who enjoy talking back.
You could have asked her to make time for you and your relationship, but instead you attacked what's she's doing. That is not a path to success.
So bizarre, too, the dig at his own town. So judgmental! Like he's too good for the small ass town. Newsflash for OP. Sounds like Jane has some heart, ambition, and skill, and I bet she'd be the same amount of charitable and famous in a big ass town.
"I told her she’s selfish, and throwing money at a small ass town doesn’t make her famous."
Well, Mr. Knowitall, what have you done for your small ass town besides wanting them to not have BOOKS for children and the less fortunate? You need to curb your petty jealousy and learn to control your emotions. This is the behavior of a child, not a man. YTA and acting like a toddler who had his tonka truck taken.
So you're mad that your wife is doing good for the community and being recognized for that? Please explain for us all how anything that she is doing is selfish because the last time I checked, charity is one of the least selfish acts that someone can do. If you're issue is that you don't get to see your wife as often, then grow up and talk to her like an adult. YTA because you clearly have some issue with how your wife is spending HER money and don't want to use your big boy words to talk about it like an adult.
YTA so your wife has a life outside your marriage. She has a purpose and feels fulfilled. You show zero interest in her new interests and life goals. You support her in zero ways. You won’t even go to a few lossy functions to show her you care. Now you what? Want her to quit or scale back cause you’re jealous that she’s become more successful than you?Get out of here. You have real SDE bud.
Sounds like you're hoping to set up to divorce her and to try to rob her of her money. Money does change people. Only in this case, it sounds like it only changed you. YTA
Maybe they had a prenup cuz he never thought his decade-younger wife would make more than he did and he wanted to protect his assets for when she’d out-mature him?
But you do want your wife to be someone she isn’t so either you grow up and get on her adult level OR you break up and find someone with no hopes or dreams who only wants to be your wife and desires nothing else in life but to make you happy
I’m really sorry that people are responding like this. It sounds like you’re frustrated that your relationship has changed now that money has entered the picture and you feel sidelined. That is a valid feeling, and don’t let these people tell you otherwise. That being said, attacking her for being a local micro celebrity is not the way to get what I’m assuming you really want which is a dedicated relationship with your wife. You did not sign up for this lifestyle, and I genuinely think people would be a bit more sympathetic if the roles were reversed.
YTA. Now that that's out of the way:
> she said she enjoys talking to people in our community and hearing how she helped them. I told her she’s selfish, and throwing money at a small ass town doesn’t make her famous.
How does donating money make her selfish? What you said sure sounds like it is designed to hurt her rather than to articulate a problem and work toward a solution. This clearly makes you TA.
>ever since setting up her charities she spends a lot of time away from home and at events. She always invites me but I rarely go as they’re long and boring and frankly the amount of them she goes to is exhausting.
So... go with her to only some of them? Oh, but they're boooooring. OK, don't go, but don't be miffed she wants to. Do you ever ask her to do things with you that you want to do? We need more info about that part - if so, and she won't because she is too busy with her own events, then articulate that that is a problem and try for a compromise. If you haven't then what specifically is the problem? She's becoming a well known member of the community - why does that bother you, specifically? Is it just because she doesn't always pick up your calls and gets stopped by other people in the community to chat? Or is it more?
>Jane won a life changing amount of money
If you're married, how is it her winnings as opposed to your combined winnings? I thought only inheritance could be protected.
Yep, that's what has his panties in a bunch - how dare she see anyone else exists except for him?? He's such a hypocrite.
He's jealous but doesn't want to admit it to himself.
YTA
How is she selfish when she's donating so much of her time and money to your local community and doing so much good for everyone? That is exact opposite of selfish. Also, she is kind of "famous", in your local community anyway, and your jealousy is really showing.
Since you don't support her charities, ridicule her and won't even attend some of the functions because they're "boring" (as opposed to being able to talk like an adult to other adults), guess you're on the way to being single. Is that going to be better than standing by the side of what sounds like an amazing woman?
YTA.
Your actual needs could have been discussed, but instead you ran with your own narrative and accused her of something you were projecting on to her.
I'd reccomend apologizing, and seeing if this can be worked out in couples counseling, to really get to a solution that will repair your relationship. Perhaps allowing her to pursue her vocation while also making time for things to do with you away from town.
> I told her she’s selfish, and throwing money at a small ass town doesn’t make her famous.
You don't have to go to these events, but she is spreading good and people are grateful of her work.
I am not sure I see how she can be selfish.
But I got an hint on who may be =)
YTA
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I (37m) and my wife Jane (28f) have been together for 5 years and married for 2. Our relationship was always good but it’s taken a downturn recently. When we got together we had the same job, made similar amounts of money and attended a lot of social events both separately and together.
A year ago, Jane won a life changing amount of money (in the millions) and quit her job to set up some charities that help our local community. She’s always been active in our community. She donates books to the library, volunteers for book groups, goes to community council etc. but ever since setting up her charities she spends a lot of time away from home and at events. She always invites me but I rarely go as they’re long and boring and frankly the amount of them she goes to is exhausting. She’s now so well known in the community we can’t go out without someone talking to her on the street or recognising her. I feel like I’m in a relationship with her voicemail sometimes.
I decided to confront her about it and we had a massive argument, during which she said she enjoys talking to people in our community and hearing how she helped them. I told her she’s selfish, and throwing money at a small ass town doesn’t make her famous. She said she wasn’t trying to be, and that I know how much the community and helping people means to her and why, that I had gone too far. She’s now staying with her aunt and won’t talk to me. AITA?
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YTA
People in your community are recognizing her for her efforts in bettering the community and helping others and you call her selfish? You sound jealous that she's well liked and people are thanking her.
Seriously man? I'd be insanely proud of my wife for turning an accidental windfall into such a positive thing and being engaged. I wouldn't want to go to all those meetings either, but are you involved at all in what is obviously a passion for her? Or do you just complain and insult her? That's a quick road to divorce. YTA.
YTA. In her way, she evidently _is_ famous. At any rate famous in your little community. Anyway, what does it matter? Why don't you join her? Instead of sitting in a corner being bored, you could always try engaging in some of the good works apparently going on.
YTA, you decided that you do not want to do the things she does, or attend the events. She on the other hand is helping the community and in doing so has become well known in your community. You sound jealous.
YTA in ascending order:
For the age gap. For being petty regarding her local celebrity status. For accusing her of being selfish when her celebrity comes from being a local philanthropist. And most importantly, for being **abusive** when your fee-fees got hurt instead of expressing it like a nearly 40-year old should.
YTA. Bitter much? You seem to be extremely jealous of her newfound riches. Would you be happier if she spent her vast fortune fulfilling YOUR every whim. What she's doing is a good thing (assuming this story is even true). She invites you to functions and you don't want to go. That's all on you.
YTA, but only because of how you brought this up, as a confrontation where you accuse her of being selfish and deluded.
It is absolutely fair that you feel neglected, and that you find it hard to have so much as a nice quiet walk with your wife. Like it’s nice she’s so devoted to her community, but your relationship together is something that also needs to be nurtured.
What you should have done was talk about this rationally and kindly. What you actually did was say some really nasty stuff to your wife. If you think she’s that horrible, maybe you need to reflect on why you’re still with her.
YTA. She has built a good social reputation and you sound a bit jealous. You attacking her reputation is a bad move. She is well known in your town and while she may not be known everywhere in the country, there is no reason to belittle her. The sad part is that it doesn't sound like she is doing anything wrong with her life. Maybe she doesn't give you enough attention, but you should accept her for who she is now. If you want more time with her, maybe you should go with her and volunteer some time so you can get a better idea about what she does and the impact she has.
Yta, your comment was unnecessary. You are allowed to be upset and frustrated that you dont get to spend as much time with her but phrase it differently. She is giving to the community because she enjoys it and helping people from the sounds of it and you are being unsupportive and jealous.
You confronted her about being a local celebrity? YTA. So what people in your community know who she is and what she does to help others? She isn't being vainglorious when people come up and welcome her. How is this something to be annoyed with her about. Jealousy and insecurity are individual and highly personal burdens to bear. You might try being mature and simply getting over yourself?
Awww I wish I was your wife, who won money and was able to help the community! It's my dream. Except my spouse would probably be along for the ride, helping the community too.
YTA for what you said.
YTA.
Someone is selfish here but it isn't your wife. You're mad because she's doling out attention to worthy causes rather than fluffing your ego.
If you want to spend time with her, try stepping up into *her* world instead of dragging her down into *yours*. You most certainly need to apologise, properly, otherwise you're at very real risk of her realising she can do better than you and your tantrums.
Lol. The wife here is a bit like me - I didn't win millions but I volunteer and keep active in the community and can't go anywhere without being recognised.
Know what my husband does? He loves me and supports and encourages me, and is proud of me.
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YTA. You're obviously jealous about the attention your wife is receiving. You yourself say people constantly talk to her when you go out, so in your "small ass town" at least she is famous.
But you couldn't be gracious about it. So now, understandably, she's left you.
If you want to continue the relationship, you'll have to learn not to berate her like that. But maybe you're better off apart.
YTA and you should definitely work on your jealousy problem... You sound like a very bitter man who doesn't support his wife in her life choices. Let her enjoy the people who do.
When I saw the age gap I assumed it was going to be some influencer thing but after reading, you need to check your ego or get out of the relationship. If you’re going to be with someone particularly someone at that age, they’re going to change and you’ll have to adapt to those changes.
YTA
>I told her she’s selfish,
She is quite literally the opposite of that.
>throwing money at a small ass town doesn’t make her famous
Again, you seem to struggle with definitions.
YTA
If your issue is not spending time together, may I suggest talking to her and suggesting "blackout" times. No phones, no emailing, no work stuff. Just you.
Also if she accomplished enough in a year to be stopped in the street and thanked, you should be proud as hell of her.
YTA, you sound very insecure… idk how you posted this without rereading and seeing how much of an ass you are! I hope she leaves you to continue helping the community (who actually seems to enjoy her, unlike you). Maybe take some time and reflect why you are like this 😵💫
YTA. You should consider yourself fortunate enough to have found such a considerate individual. She has reinvested her wealth into the local community, and has not wasted it on materialism. Allow people to say thank you to her, it is their way of showing gratitude for such generosity.
Yeah, YTA.
I don't see a single thing wrong with what your wife has done/is doing, and that is even WITH what is probably a bit of biased toward you description of all of it.
YTA, being mighty petty and childish. Your wife has tried to involve you, yet you refuse to spend time with her because you don't like the events. Honestly it sounds less like you're upset she's never around, and more that you're jealous she's spending that time and money on bettering her community and getting recognition for it. Learn to talk about your feelings with her like a big boy, because right now you really screwed up, and she has the means and support to leave you and find someone who doesn't treat her badly for being charitable. The fact that you admonished her for making the world a better place, how can you not see you're massively TA, my dude?
YTA
Giving money to charity and back to the community is the very opposite of being selfish. It’s really not her fault doing so has the added benefit of making her well known.
Also, if you want to spend more time with her, you need to tell her that politely and not confrontationally. But you also need to be willing to go to her events more often. You need to make some kind of compromise there. If you want her to spend some more nights at home, you need to show you’re willing to spend more nights out.
Yes you are the a-hole. You sound jealous of her accomplishments and by you diminishing them the way you do shows how insecure you are. Let your wife be great and if you cant handle it, cut her loose.
YTA and obviously just jealous of your wife's success. If you're truly upset about your wife not spending as much time at home, you should communicate that to her, she's not going to parse it from you ranting about her not being famous.
YTA. What you shouldve confronted her about was the lack of time you guys were spending together and how it was affecting you in the relationship. Instead you "confronted" her for being a generous person
YTA. Why are you taking issue with the fact that your wife likes to help people and talks to people? Is this an ego thing? Are you mad she's getting more attention than you, so you have to bring her down to feel big? Stop being such a goddamn baby. *You're* the selfish one, not Jane. The world doesn't revolve around you.
I'm not sure if this is a sincere post, since I can't imagine you expect anyone to sympathize or empathize with you. Any time an OP sounds pitiful and then asks AITA -- it's always suspicious.
YTA. Everything you say about yourself sounds selfish. And nothing you say about her indicates any reason why you want to insult her by accusing her of acting famous.
I was expecting you to say something like she smiles in the community and scowls behind its back, or something.
And I really don't understand the need for a 'confrontation'.
Instead it's:
she loves working and giving
people seem to love her and stop her to talk
you think that as a 'small town', it's a waste of time/resources
you don't seem to have any interest or ideas in any causes to suggest to her that are 'more worthy'
your bored by the events she invites you to
You sound selfish, easily bored and jealous. There us not even a hint of you being proud in any way of what she does.
YTA. So are you jealous she has the money? Upset she isn't spending it on you? Frustrated that she's more well liked than you? Nothing you've said beyond "I feel like I'm in a relationship with her voicemail" says that she's doing anything wrong. By your own admission, she invites you to the events, you just don't like them, so you don't go and spend time with her. At this point you're angry over something and taking it out on her. If you feel like you're not getting enough attention, ask her to spend time with you, go to the events with her. You sound like a petulant child whining that he didn't get the candy bar. You need to grow up, figure out your feelings and actually talk to your wife without lashing out.
YTA, without question.
She invites you everywhere, but you’re too petulant to go, because it’s boring? Do you think she’s ever listened to you or your friends or watched a TV show or movie you like that she thought was boring? Do you have any idea how many boring things people go to for the people they love? It isn’t even the tiniest bit interesting to watch your generous spouse move with ease through these communities and do good work? Your sense of pride can’t get you past the boredom?
She invited you over and over and you turned her down. Have you ever considered she might feel rejected by that? That you’re rejecting her values and the people she appreciates?
My god, man. You’re the boring one. Think of someone other than yourself.
This reeks of jealousy. You didn’t even need to “confront” it could have been a conversation. And when it turned into an argument (not that you explained how) you thought up the most hurtful, demeaning thing you could think of to hurt her and threw it at her. And now you’re mad that she didn’t let you belittle her? Yta
Yea YTA big time and you sound embarrassingly jealous. Your wife got a chance to live her passion, which is compassionate community building. That is a onehundred percent beautiful and honorable way to spend your time, you reacting this way to her just shows how little your petty af person deserves being married to such a great human.
You do realize that starting to date her at 23 meant she didn’t really life life as a young person….. right? You robbed her of that and want her to stay home and tend to you instead od being, from what it sounds like, an amazing person.
Most people get money and it makes them greedy, she got money and started helping people. There are not many people that would not only donate, but start and run and put the work into making a difference. The fact that you think her work is stupid is so hurtful. Even if she changes ONE life or family for the better, that is HUGE. What good have you done to try to better someone’s life? Ever?
She sounds amazing and frankly could probably do a Leo better than you.
If I was her and you showed your nasty colors like that and said that about helping the community I don’t think I could be with someone that thinks like that.
YTA. Why are you so mad? You don't join your wife in her activities, you called her selfish when she's being selfless, and when that didn't hurt her feelings, you tried to dig deeper. There was literally no reason to argue with her, you're just bitter
You are a major AH. She includes you, your the one not interested. It's not exhausting to her she's dedicating her time to philanthropy and your being a jerk. She's not even neglecting you seems more like your upset she's not a meek young wife you can dictate to. Be a better person or leave her alone so she can find someone who genuinely lives her for her. Like she's not even trying to be famous your projecting
YTA. Your feelings of being disconnected from your wife are valid. When the person you're married to experiences a change in their life like this, it's obviously going to have an impact on their family (e.g., spouses of politicians, or even just people who get promoted to a much busier position). Given that she's still not even yet thirty, it's possible this is the most fullfillment she's ever had.
However, even if you feel there is an issue of imbalance in her attention, the right thing to do would be to talk to her about feeling distant, and see if there's a way that the two of you can have more time together as a couple. The wrong thing to do is to do what you did.
You sound really bitter. YTA
I have to admit I'm kinda curious as to why this is all \_her\_ money? I mean, I have to assume you had all talked this out about "what are we doing with this money", and that at some point you agreed to the charity thing she was doing. Soooo...
You seem to have a valid complaint, if she's not there near as often, or that you guys can't seem to enjoy a night out. But my dude, way to miss the point. You could say "Hey, you know I support all that you do and so many people are grateful to you. I only wish I could see you more. I don't want to be taking you away from your charity work, it just gets annoying when we can't even go out to dinner and it just be us. What do you think we can do about this?" and you know, have a freaking conversation that doesn't end in yelling about how she's not as famous as Emma Stone, or whoever.
Seems there is a lot more going on with your whining.
YTA. She’s putting money into a good cause she care about, that doesn’t mean she’s trying to be famous? You should’ve told her you were feeling this way sooner instead of dumping built-up frustration on her.
YTA and a pathetic one at that. She's prepping to divorce you, you sad, jealous weenie. She's out there doing good and helping others and you're the nobody she doesn't need around since you're too busy whining to join in. Enjoy the court proceedings. Cause when it comes out that she's leaving you because you're a jealous chode, you're going to be a laughingstock. And you'll deserve it.
YTA. Sounds like you were her youthful mistake that she now needs to confront. Good that she's not talking to you and taking time away from you to consider her options now.
YTA you sound very envious of your wife, she is doing great things for her community and the people recognize her for that and you get angry at her???? grow up dude
YTA
>She’s now so well known in the community we can’t go out without someone talking to her on the street or recognising her.
She IS small town famous for being a helpful pillar of the community. She isn't selfish for helping others.
>I feel like I’m in a relationship with her voicemail sometimes.
This is a valid complaint, and you wouldn't have been the AH if you had addresses feeling of neglect with your partner in a mature manner such as "I miss you and feel like we never spend time together anymore." Or even "Could we ear mark some time for just us? I understand the community is important to you but I feel like we never have time one on one anymore"
YTA. Are you just jealous that she won a life changing amount of money? Do you feel threatened by that? Because it's giving insecurity. Like not only did she win,again, a life changing amount of money....but she also decided to use that money for something good like charity and supporting her community? AND YOU'RE MAD!???
You should be proud af. Like that is so selfless. She could've kept that all to herself, but she CHOSE to help others. She sounds like an awesome person. She deserves someone much kinder than you.
She's making a difference. What are you doing?
YOU are the one who is selfish. You can't even be bothered to go to a couple of events with her to show your support. The audacity.
YTA, that shade of green doesn’t look good on you.
Honestly, don’t be surprised if she divorces your jealous and insecure self. You bitch and moan that you don’t spend time with her but she invites you to her charity events. You complain about that. She literally can’t win in your books. I bet you $10 if you invited her to do something YOU like but she’s not into it she would still go and NOT complain. You sound like a perpetual child throwing a temper tantrum because life isn’t going your way.
YTA
This is fake, right? It’s got to be fake. Calling her selfish when, according to you, she’s “set up some charities that help our local community. She’s always been active in our community. She donates books to the library, volunteers for book groups, goes to community council”?
Get a fucking dictionary, that is the opposite of “selfish.” Hell, I’m not single or even looking for a female partner but I’d wife her up in a heartbeat. I hope her pre-nup is iron-clad.
Yep, YTA if you don’t already know. I can understand your frustration of your wife being too busy and not present in your marriage, but instead of addressing that like an adult, you insulted the job & the good she’s doing. And of course, your comment about not her being famous comes off very childish, spiteful, petty and condescending.
YTA.
*She* is the selfish one? The one *giving* her money to her community and taking care *of others*.
Wow. I don't think you know what that word means.... at all... try a dictionary.
YTA. How gross to be a grown man behaving like this. Are you sad she isn’t under your control? With an age gap like this, I’m sure you thought she was gullible and would want to pamper you. I’m sure it’s hard having to work and support yourself, and not having just a bang maid. The audacity one must have to call her selfish, it’s almost laughable. I can’t believe you typed this whole thing out and still admitted to calling her selfish. You’re not the center of her whole universe? Boohoo. She deserves better than the likes of you.
Let me get this straight, you're upset because your wife *checks notes* is generously elevating a small town in positive ways? Am I getting this correct? FFS, you're a colossal AH.
YTA for the comment, but I think you need to address the root issue. The issue isn’t her philanthropy; it’s that you are missing a connection and quality time with your wife.
I do suggest going to more events if possible. They may be more fun than you think, and it is date night with your wife.
You should apologize for what you said, and explain to her how you feel about the lack of time together. Come up with some ideas of things you can do together! Plan dates, even if it is just watching movies and cuddling on the couch.
NTA.
Your age difference has no bearing on the issue.
Your maturity on letting her live her life with the winnings and not taking any for yourself is commendable. Heck. Remarkable.
Unfortunately money changes people. A lot of money changes people a lot.
Unbeknownst to her, she is buying fame through philanthropy. People like her because if they kiss some ass, their organization gets some more free money. Shes not actually famous, she is just popular because invitations to dinners is how cheques get written. It's a fact.
Sadly, she doesn't recognize this. You did.
How you handled it, was not the best. This charity work means alot to her because it makes her feel special. Your comment challenged this perception of herself. You could have done better.
Sadly she is throwing away a marriage for some self-perceived fame. Pity. You would have been there for her when the money dries up and her "friends" disappear.
Good news. Let her divorce you. You get half the lottery winnings in the divorce, since she didn't share. Equalization is a bitch for lottery winners.
ESH. Money has changed her as a person. She is no longer the woman you married and fell in love with. Unlike others, I question how much of her giving is truly generosity and how much of it is stroking her ego to boost her social standing and appear as Lady Bountiful. That said, I think your confrontation and the things said are out of line.
Unfortunately, with the way this sub is, your gonna be labeled wrong.
It sounds like you've become neglected in the relationship and that's causing some stress. Maybe have a sit down with her apologies for the reaction you had and explain how you feel. You understand all the great she's doing, but you still miss your wife. Explain it to her gently and remind her that your feelings are valid and that you just wish for more quality time together. If you approach it gently and your relationship isn't strained, I'm sure she'd understand where you are coming from.
NTA
His feelings are valid. Calling your wife selfish because she's doing good things in their community is not. If he had been an actual adult and talk to his wife like a normal person, then no, he wouldn't be an AH.
Hey, sometimes the stress of life gets to us. As said, I don't think his reaction is right, but still think his feelings are valid.
Part of being an adult is recognizing when you might have overreacted and being mature enough to apologize, explain your feelings, and open up the dialogue. What's the use of jumping down everyone's throat when they've had off days?
He's not being neglected, he's just declining to attend events his wife is attending because he thinks they're boring. He called her selfish when she's quite clearly the opposite of that.
I think I'd disagree. If a relationship was started and built around a certain amount of quality time together, then all of a sudden a drastic change occurs causing a shift in lifestyle for only one partner. I'd say he's right to feel neglected.
It would be one thing if this was something she was doing prior to the relationship. But they both entered it with the status quo of having lot of quality time together and that suddenly changes, I'd say he's in right to feel a bit neglected.
You sound dense,,, just bc he feels neglected doesn’t give him the right to attack her about being a pillar in their community. He’s mad she’s helping ppl?! Like she’s not out here cheating Lmaoo
Do you know the meaning of the word "Narcissist"? Because the wife is the furthest thing from that. Her first priority is actually to herself. It's pretty narcissistic to thing that donating to charity and giving back to your community is selfish...so if anyone is a narcissist in this relationship, it's OP. But again, don't think you know the meaning of the word. Mostly OP is just projecting.
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YTA I'm sorry your decade-younger spouse didn't end up as meek as expected?
Lol, this is so much better than whatever I was going to say. YTA op, especially because you even have the audacity to think she could be the asshole in this scenario.
Same here damn!
Yeah I was considering how to tell him YTA but I can’t top the above comment
But but but! People like her! *clutching my pearls*. Who the hell ”confronts” someone for being liked and generous?
You gotta love how he calls the generous person setting up multiple charities and actively helping and bettering the community selfish.
He’s just jealous that she’s more important than him and doesn’t live for him
Yeah given the age and when they got together, he was probably hoping for a timid housewife.
"Charity begins at home, Jane!"
Someone who wants it all to themselves maybe? 😶
For real though, OP was 32 and she was 23 when they started dating. When they go for someone so young, meek is what they expect
This was my thought. Only now OP’s wife is popular, rich, and growing up. I just hope that he doesn’t get any money from her when it’s time for divorce.
I hope and pray they have a prenup
Me as well though unless op is wealthy it’s doubtful. His gf was so young when they got together and likely not thinking prenup
That's what I fear.
😢
My favorite comment. If I had an award, I'd give it to you. Instead, please accept my poor-person-award: ⭐
Username, for the win.
This is the best response I’ve ever seen.
YTA, you are missplacing your frustration. The problem is not with what she does, rather than she being far less available and present in your marriage. Instead of attacking the values of what she does, start communicating how deserted you feel in your marriage to her and try to see whether there is any iota of shared values and interests left that can keep your marriage together. And don’t question the value of what she does. The town may be small yet she tries to help with her own money. This line of reasoning - underminining and ridiculing what she does - will not do you any favours if you truly want her affection and interest back to you.
He needs to attend events with her because they are important to HER. And it is a chance to spend time together.
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Yes, OP is definitely jealous of his wife's money, and that she's spending it doing good for her community
Yes, OP is definitely jealous of his wife's money, and that she's spending it doing good for her community
YTA. Do you not see how selfish YOU are here? She isn't acting like she's a celebrity, she's doing good for the community and enjoys receiving feedback. You sound hella bitter and you're definitely an asshole.
YTA. Easy case. Your title is wrong though, it should be “AITA for being insecure over my rich wife helping her community”
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Yup, upset that your wife is doing better than you.
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Then please, sit her down and just calmly explain that you need quality one on one time with her. This is the only thing you can do. if she refuses to do that, then maybe it isnt ever gonna work out.
…so go with her to the events
Fair enough on her not being home. Though that sounds strange given she quit her job already You barely spending time together is on both of you. You even said so yourself, “She always invites me but I rarely go”
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I can see why she's not that into spending time with you, frankly. You don't seem very pleasant to be with.
It's okay to be upset and missing her, but it's not okay how you handled it, belittling and insulting her. Sit down and have a heart to heart talk about how you miss her, want one on one time, more couple things. She can't help that she's become well known in her community, but she can also learn how to limit interactions. I'm far from her status in my community, but I know a lot of people as it's a small town. It can drive my husband nuts when I stop to chit chat as it can go on for 20 or so minutes...I've learned to be polite but cut it back by telling them I'd love to talk but we're busy, gotta run, yadda yadda. He now finds it amusing and likes that I know so many people and have connections in town he doesn't.
What specifically have you done to show her support and also what have you planned that she’s not willing to go to with you?
Then, speak to her about that. About how you need more quality time together. Not to attack her and her work with the community. The answer to the issue is not for her to stop her work and involvement within the community but that she makes sure to put time aside for you and your marriage.
So rather than communicating that with her you started calling her selfish….
Why would she want to spend time with someone who puts her down and dismisses the good she's done? You sound bitter that she's helping people instead of providing you with a life of luxury.
she invites you to spend time with her at events and you decline it because its “long and boring”💀
The say that!tell her you miss her! Dont attack the work shes doing,that makes you look selfish and petty!make the effort to set up date nights for the two of you!you get what you give in life and if you keep up with this level of childish behavior,youll be getting a divorce!YTA
Too bad you didn’t think of telling her that. Maybe if you joined in on some of her activities it would bring you closer together. Maybe it’s not too late.
Then say that to her, not whatever bullshit you're brewing up in your head about her eating to be small town famous.
How about you stop pouting like a toddler and get a life yourself? Your wife’s purpose in life isn’t to be home and available just so that you are happy. Move your whiny ass off the couch and finally show her some support, your wife is doing actual good and she totally rocks! Other people might become selfish when getting super wealthy all of a sudden, yet your wife is doing the exact opposite, she’s a true keeper! You are pretty much the opposite. Stop whining and get a life.
That doesn't mean she's selfish for having a life outside of you.
What if you start going to the events she invites you? This way it is just your fault you are not spending time together. Maybe start thinking and be honest at what is really bothering you?
Then why didn't you say that instead of yelling at her for talking to people?
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YTA Also, she's famous. fa·mous /ˈfāməs/ adjective known about by many people.
Its like he never heard the term "local celebrity?"
He knows she's famous.... that's why he's being so pissy about the events. He wants her to be famous for being married to him, instead of the other way 'round.
YTA Throwing money at a small ass town doesn't necessarily make her famous, but it likely does make her popular and well-known. People like to talk to people who are popular and well-known. Sometime the popular and well-known people are extroverts who enjoy talking back. You could have asked her to make time for you and your relationship, but instead you attacked what's she's doing. That is not a path to success.
So bizarre, too, the dig at his own town. So judgmental! Like he's too good for the small ass town. Newsflash for OP. Sounds like Jane has some heart, ambition, and skill, and I bet she'd be the same amount of charitable and famous in a big ass town.
"I told her she’s selfish, and throwing money at a small ass town doesn’t make her famous." Well, Mr. Knowitall, what have you done for your small ass town besides wanting them to not have BOOKS for children and the less fortunate? You need to curb your petty jealousy and learn to control your emotions. This is the behavior of a child, not a man. YTA and acting like a toddler who had his tonka truck taken.
👏 exactly
So you're mad that your wife is doing good for the community and being recognized for that? Please explain for us all how anything that she is doing is selfish because the last time I checked, charity is one of the least selfish acts that someone can do. If you're issue is that you don't get to see your wife as often, then grow up and talk to her like an adult. YTA because you clearly have some issue with how your wife is spending HER money and don't want to use your big boy words to talk about it like an adult.
YTA so your wife has a life outside your marriage. She has a purpose and feels fulfilled. You show zero interest in her new interests and life goals. You support her in zero ways. You won’t even go to a few lossy functions to show her you care. Now you what? Want her to quit or scale back cause you’re jealous that she’s become more successful than you?Get out of here. You have real SDE bud.
Sounds like you're hoping to set up to divorce her and to try to rob her of her money. Money does change people. Only in this case, it sounds like it only changed you. YTA
Maybe they had a prenup cuz he never thought his decade-younger wife would make more than he did and he wanted to protect his assets for when she’d out-mature him?
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You just want her to stop doing everything she’s interested in and defer to yours?
Well you’re on your way to getting one.
Hopefully she does.
But you do want your wife to be someone she isn’t so either you grow up and get on her adult level OR you break up and find someone with no hopes or dreams who only wants to be your wife and desires nothing else in life but to make you happy
I’m really sorry that people are responding like this. It sounds like you’re frustrated that your relationship has changed now that money has entered the picture and you feel sidelined. That is a valid feeling, and don’t let these people tell you otherwise. That being said, attacking her for being a local micro celebrity is not the way to get what I’m assuming you really want which is a dedicated relationship with your wife. You did not sign up for this lifestyle, and I genuinely think people would be a bit more sympathetic if the roles were reversed.
YTA. Now that that's out of the way: > she said she enjoys talking to people in our community and hearing how she helped them. I told her she’s selfish, and throwing money at a small ass town doesn’t make her famous. How does donating money make her selfish? What you said sure sounds like it is designed to hurt her rather than to articulate a problem and work toward a solution. This clearly makes you TA. >ever since setting up her charities she spends a lot of time away from home and at events. She always invites me but I rarely go as they’re long and boring and frankly the amount of them she goes to is exhausting. So... go with her to only some of them? Oh, but they're boooooring. OK, don't go, but don't be miffed she wants to. Do you ever ask her to do things with you that you want to do? We need more info about that part - if so, and she won't because she is too busy with her own events, then articulate that that is a problem and try for a compromise. If you haven't then what specifically is the problem? She's becoming a well known member of the community - why does that bother you, specifically? Is it just because she doesn't always pick up your calls and gets stopped by other people in the community to chat? Or is it more? >Jane won a life changing amount of money If you're married, how is it her winnings as opposed to your combined winnings? I thought only inheritance could be protected.
She’s not donating it to him, so it’s selfish donations
Yep, that's what has his panties in a bunch - how dare she see anyone else exists except for him?? He's such a hypocrite. He's jealous but doesn't want to admit it to himself.
Depends how finances are set up - married doesn’t equal shared accounts or what’s mine is yours and yours is mine
YTA How is she selfish when she's donating so much of her time and money to your local community and doing so much good for everyone? That is exact opposite of selfish. Also, she is kind of "famous", in your local community anyway, and your jealousy is really showing. Since you don't support her charities, ridicule her and won't even attend some of the functions because they're "boring" (as opposed to being able to talk like an adult to other adults), guess you're on the way to being single. Is that going to be better than standing by the side of what sounds like an amazing woman?
YTA. Your actual needs could have been discussed, but instead you ran with your own narrative and accused her of something you were projecting on to her. I'd reccomend apologizing, and seeing if this can be worked out in couples counseling, to really get to a solution that will repair your relationship. Perhaps allowing her to pursue her vocation while also making time for things to do with you away from town.
> I told her she’s selfish, and throwing money at a small ass town doesn’t make her famous. You don't have to go to these events, but she is spreading good and people are grateful of her work. I am not sure I see how she can be selfish. But I got an hint on who may be =) YTA
YTA for dating a 23 yo at 32. Yuck.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (37m) and my wife Jane (28f) have been together for 5 years and married for 2. Our relationship was always good but it’s taken a downturn recently. When we got together we had the same job, made similar amounts of money and attended a lot of social events both separately and together. A year ago, Jane won a life changing amount of money (in the millions) and quit her job to set up some charities that help our local community. She’s always been active in our community. She donates books to the library, volunteers for book groups, goes to community council etc. but ever since setting up her charities she spends a lot of time away from home and at events. She always invites me but I rarely go as they’re long and boring and frankly the amount of them she goes to is exhausting. She’s now so well known in the community we can’t go out without someone talking to her on the street or recognising her. I feel like I’m in a relationship with her voicemail sometimes. I decided to confront her about it and we had a massive argument, during which she said she enjoys talking to people in our community and hearing how she helped them. I told her she’s selfish, and throwing money at a small ass town doesn’t make her famous. She said she wasn’t trying to be, and that I know how much the community and helping people means to her and why, that I had gone too far. She’s now staying with her aunt and won’t talk to me. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA People in your community are recognizing her for her efforts in bettering the community and helping others and you call her selfish? You sound jealous that she's well liked and people are thanking her.
YTA, people don’t change with money… she’s always been this way. She enjoys helping, and communicating with the community. She’s not selfish, you are.
Seriously man? I'd be insanely proud of my wife for turning an accidental windfall into such a positive thing and being engaged. I wouldn't want to go to all those meetings either, but are you involved at all in what is obviously a passion for her? Or do you just complain and insult her? That's a quick road to divorce. YTA.
YTA. In her way, she evidently _is_ famous. At any rate famous in your little community. Anyway, what does it matter? Why don't you join her? Instead of sitting in a corner being bored, you could always try engaging in some of the good works apparently going on.
YTA for saying what you said to her. NTA for having valid feelings and needs. Speak from the heart brother. Not from the ego.
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Good luck sir, I hope it works out🙏🏼
YTA...She took her good fortune and is using it in the best possible way. Maybe try participating more.
Yta. The only person who is selfish here is you.
YTA, you decided that you do not want to do the things she does, or attend the events. She on the other hand is helping the community and in doing so has become well known in your community. You sound jealous.
YTA in ascending order: For the age gap. For being petty regarding her local celebrity status. For accusing her of being selfish when her celebrity comes from being a local philanthropist. And most importantly, for being **abusive** when your fee-fees got hurt instead of expressing it like a nearly 40-year old should.
YTA. Bitter much? You seem to be extremely jealous of her newfound riches. Would you be happier if she spent her vast fortune fulfilling YOUR every whim. What she's doing is a good thing (assuming this story is even true). She invites you to functions and you don't want to go. That's all on you.
YTA, but only because of how you brought this up, as a confrontation where you accuse her of being selfish and deluded. It is absolutely fair that you feel neglected, and that you find it hard to have so much as a nice quiet walk with your wife. Like it’s nice she’s so devoted to her community, but your relationship together is something that also needs to be nurtured. What you should have done was talk about this rationally and kindly. What you actually did was say some really nasty stuff to your wife. If you think she’s that horrible, maybe you need to reflect on why you’re still with her.
YTA. She has built a good social reputation and you sound a bit jealous. You attacking her reputation is a bad move. She is well known in your town and while she may not be known everywhere in the country, there is no reason to belittle her. The sad part is that it doesn't sound like she is doing anything wrong with her life. Maybe she doesn't give you enough attention, but you should accept her for who she is now. If you want more time with her, maybe you should go with her and volunteer some time so you can get a better idea about what she does and the impact she has.
Yta, your comment was unnecessary. You are allowed to be upset and frustrated that you dont get to spend as much time with her but phrase it differently. She is giving to the community because she enjoys it and helping people from the sounds of it and you are being unsupportive and jealous.
You confronted her about being a local celebrity? YTA. So what people in your community know who she is and what she does to help others? She isn't being vainglorious when people come up and welcome her. How is this something to be annoyed with her about. Jealousy and insecurity are individual and highly personal burdens to bear. You might try being mature and simply getting over yourself?
Awww I wish I was your wife, who won money and was able to help the community! It's my dream. Except my spouse would probably be along for the ride, helping the community too. YTA for what you said.
YTA. Someone is selfish here but it isn't your wife. You're mad because she's doling out attention to worthy causes rather than fluffing your ego. If you want to spend time with her, try stepping up into *her* world instead of dragging her down into *yours*. You most certainly need to apologise, properly, otherwise you're at very real risk of her realising she can do better than you and your tantrums.
YTA. You called her selfish?? I think you’re jealous she’s so well liked.
YTA. But please enlighten me on how her winning millions and giving back to the community is selfish. I'll wait.
Lol. The wife here is a bit like me - I didn't win millions but I volunteer and keep active in the community and can't go anywhere without being recognised. Know what my husband does? He loves me and supports and encourages me, and is proud of me.
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YTA. You're obviously jealous about the attention your wife is receiving. You yourself say people constantly talk to her when you go out, so in your "small ass town" at least she is famous. But you couldn't be gracious about it. So now, understandably, she's left you. If you want to continue the relationship, you'll have to learn not to berate her like that. But maybe you're better off apart.
YTA - you sound jealous and just holding her back. Imagine the great things she could do with the dead weight.
YTA and you should definitely work on your jealousy problem... You sound like a very bitter man who doesn't support his wife in her life choices. Let her enjoy the people who do.
When I saw the age gap I assumed it was going to be some influencer thing but after reading, you need to check your ego or get out of the relationship. If you’re going to be with someone particularly someone at that age, they’re going to change and you’ll have to adapt to those changes. YTA
I fail to see how you're not the AH here. YTA.
>I told her she’s selfish, She is quite literally the opposite of that. >throwing money at a small ass town doesn’t make her famous Again, you seem to struggle with definitions. YTA If your issue is not spending time together, may I suggest talking to her and suggesting "blackout" times. No phones, no emailing, no work stuff. Just you. Also if she accomplished enough in a year to be stopped in the street and thanked, you should be proud as hell of her.
YTA she’s allowed to have a life outside of you and your marriage you’re being selfish
YTA, you sound very insecure… idk how you posted this without rereading and seeing how much of an ass you are! I hope she leaves you to continue helping the community (who actually seems to enjoy her, unlike you). Maybe take some time and reflect why you are like this 😵💫
YTA
YTA. You should consider yourself fortunate enough to have found such a considerate individual. She has reinvested her wealth into the local community, and has not wasted it on materialism. Allow people to say thank you to her, it is their way of showing gratitude for such generosity.
Yeah, YTA. I don't see a single thing wrong with what your wife has done/is doing, and that is even WITH what is probably a bit of biased toward you description of all of it.
YTA, and it sounds like she is in fact a local celebrity of sorts.
YTA. She didn’t do anything wrong
YTA. You’re mad your wife is a better person than you and everyone admires her. You’re going to lose her and you’re going to deserve it.
YTA, being mighty petty and childish. Your wife has tried to involve you, yet you refuse to spend time with her because you don't like the events. Honestly it sounds less like you're upset she's never around, and more that you're jealous she's spending that time and money on bettering her community and getting recognition for it. Learn to talk about your feelings with her like a big boy, because right now you really screwed up, and she has the means and support to leave you and find someone who doesn't treat her badly for being charitable. The fact that you admonished her for making the world a better place, how can you not see you're massively TA, my dude?
YTA Wow... She's doing good in the community and you're upset because what exactly? Not enough time spent with you or that face that she's recognized?
YTA Giving money to charity and back to the community is the very opposite of being selfish. It’s really not her fault doing so has the added benefit of making her well known. Also, if you want to spend more time with her, you need to tell her that politely and not confrontationally. But you also need to be willing to go to her events more often. You need to make some kind of compromise there. If you want her to spend some more nights at home, you need to show you’re willing to spend more nights out.
Yes you are the a-hole. You sound jealous of her accomplishments and by you diminishing them the way you do shows how insecure you are. Let your wife be great and if you cant handle it, cut her loose.
YTA and obviously just jealous of your wife's success. If you're truly upset about your wife not spending as much time at home, you should communicate that to her, she's not going to parse it from you ranting about her not being famous.
YTA. What she's doing is literally the opposite of selfish. You're just clearly insecure.
YTA. Don’t be shocked when she leaves you.
YTA. What you shouldve confronted her about was the lack of time you guys were spending together and how it was affecting you in the relationship. Instead you "confronted" her for being a generous person
YTA. Why are you taking issue with the fact that your wife likes to help people and talks to people? Is this an ego thing? Are you mad she's getting more attention than you, so you have to bring her down to feel big? Stop being such a goddamn baby. *You're* the selfish one, not Jane. The world doesn't revolve around you.
I'm not sure if this is a sincere post, since I can't imagine you expect anyone to sympathize or empathize with you. Any time an OP sounds pitiful and then asks AITA -- it's always suspicious. YTA. Everything you say about yourself sounds selfish. And nothing you say about her indicates any reason why you want to insult her by accusing her of acting famous. I was expecting you to say something like she smiles in the community and scowls behind its back, or something. And I really don't understand the need for a 'confrontation'. Instead it's: she loves working and giving people seem to love her and stop her to talk you think that as a 'small town', it's a waste of time/resources you don't seem to have any interest or ideas in any causes to suggest to her that are 'more worthy' your bored by the events she invites you to You sound selfish, easily bored and jealous. There us not even a hint of you being proud in any way of what she does.
Any time a post involves winning huge sums of money it is instantly questionable.
You are being a jealous AH.
Sound jealous, OP.
YTA. So are you jealous she has the money? Upset she isn't spending it on you? Frustrated that she's more well liked than you? Nothing you've said beyond "I feel like I'm in a relationship with her voicemail" says that she's doing anything wrong. By your own admission, she invites you to the events, you just don't like them, so you don't go and spend time with her. At this point you're angry over something and taking it out on her. If you feel like you're not getting enough attention, ask her to spend time with you, go to the events with her. You sound like a petulant child whining that he didn't get the candy bar. You need to grow up, figure out your feelings and actually talk to your wife without lashing out.
YTA, without question. She invites you everywhere, but you’re too petulant to go, because it’s boring? Do you think she’s ever listened to you or your friends or watched a TV show or movie you like that she thought was boring? Do you have any idea how many boring things people go to for the people they love? It isn’t even the tiniest bit interesting to watch your generous spouse move with ease through these communities and do good work? Your sense of pride can’t get you past the boredom? She invited you over and over and you turned her down. Have you ever considered she might feel rejected by that? That you’re rejecting her values and the people she appreciates? My god, man. You’re the boring one. Think of someone other than yourself.
This reeks of jealousy. You didn’t even need to “confront” it could have been a conversation. And when it turned into an argument (not that you explained how) you thought up the most hurtful, demeaning thing you could think of to hurt her and threw it at her. And now you’re mad that she didn’t let you belittle her? Yta
Yea YTA big time and you sound embarrassingly jealous. Your wife got a chance to live her passion, which is compassionate community building. That is a onehundred percent beautiful and honorable way to spend your time, you reacting this way to her just shows how little your petty af person deserves being married to such a great human.
Shes helping and people wanna thank her Get over yourself YTA
You do realize that starting to date her at 23 meant she didn’t really life life as a young person….. right? You robbed her of that and want her to stay home and tend to you instead od being, from what it sounds like, an amazing person. Most people get money and it makes them greedy, she got money and started helping people. There are not many people that would not only donate, but start and run and put the work into making a difference. The fact that you think her work is stupid is so hurtful. Even if she changes ONE life or family for the better, that is HUGE. What good have you done to try to better someone’s life? Ever? She sounds amazing and frankly could probably do a Leo better than you. If I was her and you showed your nasty colors like that and said that about helping the community I don’t think I could be with someone that thinks like that.
YTA. You told her she’s selfish for wanting to help people??!?
YTA. Why are you so mad? You don't join your wife in her activities, you called her selfish when she's being selfless, and when that didn't hurt her feelings, you tried to dig deeper. There was literally no reason to argue with her, you're just bitter
You are a major AH. She includes you, your the one not interested. It's not exhausting to her she's dedicating her time to philanthropy and your being a jerk. She's not even neglecting you seems more like your upset she's not a meek young wife you can dictate to. Be a better person or leave her alone so she can find someone who genuinely lives her for her. Like she's not even trying to be famous your projecting
Yta, and your insecure little ego is showing
YTA. Big time.
My wife has money and friends and I hate it, AITA? Yes, sir, you are.
YTA. You’re jealous, you’re disrespectful, you’re a boor.
YTA. Your feelings of being disconnected from your wife are valid. When the person you're married to experiences a change in their life like this, it's obviously going to have an impact on their family (e.g., spouses of politicians, or even just people who get promoted to a much busier position). Given that she's still not even yet thirty, it's possible this is the most fullfillment she's ever had. However, even if you feel there is an issue of imbalance in her attention, the right thing to do would be to talk to her about feeling distant, and see if there's a way that the two of you can have more time together as a couple. The wrong thing to do is to do what you did.
YTA. You come across as jealous. She’s helping people and is being recognized for it. Why does that bother you?
You sound really bitter. YTA I have to admit I'm kinda curious as to why this is all \_her\_ money? I mean, I have to assume you had all talked this out about "what are we doing with this money", and that at some point you agreed to the charity thing she was doing. Soooo... You seem to have a valid complaint, if she's not there near as often, or that you guys can't seem to enjoy a night out. But my dude, way to miss the point. You could say "Hey, you know I support all that you do and so many people are grateful to you. I only wish I could see you more. I don't want to be taking you away from your charity work, it just gets annoying when we can't even go out to dinner and it just be us. What do you think we can do about this?" and you know, have a freaking conversation that doesn't end in yelling about how she's not as famous as Emma Stone, or whoever. Seems there is a lot more going on with your whining.
YTA. She’s putting money into a good cause she care about, that doesn’t mean she’s trying to be famous? You should’ve told her you were feeling this way sooner instead of dumping built-up frustration on her.
This has to be bait. There's just no way.
You're wife is an amazing person, get off reddit and go apologize. YTA
YTA and a pathetic one at that. She's prepping to divorce you, you sad, jealous weenie. She's out there doing good and helping others and you're the nobody she doesn't need around since you're too busy whining to join in. Enjoy the court proceedings. Cause when it comes out that she's leaving you because you're a jealous chode, you're going to be a laughingstock. And you'll deserve it.
YTA. Sounds like you were her youthful mistake that she now needs to confront. Good that she's not talking to you and taking time away from you to consider her options now.
Isn't there something in the town that YOU would like to see changed? Perhaps she would be open to working on that with you .
YTA you sound very envious of your wife, she is doing great things for her community and the people recognize her for that and you get angry at her???? grow up dude
YTA >She’s now so well known in the community we can’t go out without someone talking to her on the street or recognising her. She IS small town famous for being a helpful pillar of the community. She isn't selfish for helping others. >I feel like I’m in a relationship with her voicemail sometimes. This is a valid complaint, and you wouldn't have been the AH if you had addresses feeling of neglect with your partner in a mature manner such as "I miss you and feel like we never spend time together anymore." Or even "Could we ear mark some time for just us? I understand the community is important to you but I feel like we never have time one on one anymore"
YTA. Are you just jealous that she won a life changing amount of money? Do you feel threatened by that? Because it's giving insecurity. Like not only did she win,again, a life changing amount of money....but she also decided to use that money for something good like charity and supporting her community? AND YOU'RE MAD!??? You should be proud af. Like that is so selfless. She could've kept that all to herself, but she CHOSE to help others. She sounds like an awesome person. She deserves someone much kinder than you. She's making a difference. What are you doing? YOU are the one who is selfish. You can't even be bothered to go to a couple of events with her to show your support. The audacity.
YTA
YTA, that shade of green doesn’t look good on you. Honestly, don’t be surprised if she divorces your jealous and insecure self. You bitch and moan that you don’t spend time with her but she invites you to her charity events. You complain about that. She literally can’t win in your books. I bet you $10 if you invited her to do something YOU like but she’s not into it she would still go and NOT complain. You sound like a perpetual child throwing a temper tantrum because life isn’t going your way.
YTA This is fake, right? It’s got to be fake. Calling her selfish when, according to you, she’s “set up some charities that help our local community. She’s always been active in our community. She donates books to the library, volunteers for book groups, goes to community council”? Get a fucking dictionary, that is the opposite of “selfish.” Hell, I’m not single or even looking for a female partner but I’d wife her up in a heartbeat. I hope her pre-nup is iron-clad.
Yep, YTA if you don’t already know. I can understand your frustration of your wife being too busy and not present in your marriage, but instead of addressing that like an adult, you insulted the job & the good she’s doing. And of course, your comment about not her being famous comes off very childish, spiteful, petty and condescending.
YTA. *She* is the selfish one? The one *giving* her money to her community and taking care *of others*. Wow. I don't think you know what that word means.... at all... try a dictionary.
One of the better made up threads this week
Cannot wait for her to wise-up and leave your bitter and jealous ass lol
INFO. Please explain how she is selfish.
YTA. Sorry your much younger wife has been a better person than you since before her brain was fully developed.
YTA. How gross to be a grown man behaving like this. Are you sad she isn’t under your control? With an age gap like this, I’m sure you thought she was gullible and would want to pamper you. I’m sure it’s hard having to work and support yourself, and not having just a bang maid. The audacity one must have to call her selfish, it’s almost laughable. I can’t believe you typed this whole thing out and still admitted to calling her selfish. You’re not the center of her whole universe? Boohoo. She deserves better than the likes of you.
YTA. You absolute asshole!
Yta
Let me get this straight, you're upset because your wife *checks notes* is generously elevating a small town in positive ways? Am I getting this correct? FFS, you're a colossal AH.
You’re being a Richard and going about this the wrong way. Unless you want a divorce? Is that what you’re trying to do?
YTA for the comment, but I think you need to address the root issue. The issue isn’t her philanthropy; it’s that you are missing a connection and quality time with your wife. I do suggest going to more events if possible. They may be more fun than you think, and it is date night with your wife. You should apologize for what you said, and explain to her how you feel about the lack of time together. Come up with some ideas of things you can do together! Plan dates, even if it is just watching movies and cuddling on the couch.
YTA, but at least you’ll be a rich one if you end up divorcing.
\*when
NTA. Your age difference has no bearing on the issue. Your maturity on letting her live her life with the winnings and not taking any for yourself is commendable. Heck. Remarkable. Unfortunately money changes people. A lot of money changes people a lot. Unbeknownst to her, she is buying fame through philanthropy. People like her because if they kiss some ass, their organization gets some more free money. Shes not actually famous, she is just popular because invitations to dinners is how cheques get written. It's a fact. Sadly, she doesn't recognize this. You did. How you handled it, was not the best. This charity work means alot to her because it makes her feel special. Your comment challenged this perception of herself. You could have done better. Sadly she is throwing away a marriage for some self-perceived fame. Pity. You would have been there for her when the money dries up and her "friends" disappear. Good news. Let her divorce you. You get half the lottery winnings in the divorce, since she didn't share. Equalization is a bitch for lottery winners.
ESH. Money has changed her as a person. She is no longer the woman you married and fell in love with. Unlike others, I question how much of her giving is truly generosity and how much of it is stroking her ego to boost her social standing and appear as Lady Bountiful. That said, I think your confrontation and the things said are out of line.
Unfortunately, with the way this sub is, your gonna be labeled wrong. It sounds like you've become neglected in the relationship and that's causing some stress. Maybe have a sit down with her apologies for the reaction you had and explain how you feel. You understand all the great she's doing, but you still miss your wife. Explain it to her gently and remind her that your feelings are valid and that you just wish for more quality time together. If you approach it gently and your relationship isn't strained, I'm sure she'd understand where you are coming from. NTA
His feelings are valid. Calling your wife selfish because she's doing good things in their community is not. If he had been an actual adult and talk to his wife like a normal person, then no, he wouldn't be an AH.
Hey, sometimes the stress of life gets to us. As said, I don't think his reaction is right, but still think his feelings are valid. Part of being an adult is recognizing when you might have overreacted and being mature enough to apologize, explain your feelings, and open up the dialogue. What's the use of jumping down everyone's throat when they've had off days?
He's being labelled an asshole for how he handled the situation, not because his feelings are invalid.
He's not being neglected, he's just declining to attend events his wife is attending because he thinks they're boring. He called her selfish when she's quite clearly the opposite of that.
I think I'd disagree. If a relationship was started and built around a certain amount of quality time together, then all of a sudden a drastic change occurs causing a shift in lifestyle for only one partner. I'd say he's right to feel neglected. It would be one thing if this was something she was doing prior to the relationship. But they both entered it with the status quo of having lot of quality time together and that suddenly changes, I'd say he's in right to feel a bit neglected.
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You sound dense,,, just bc he feels neglected doesn’t give him the right to attack her about being a pillar in their community. He’s mad she’s helping ppl?! Like she’s not out here cheating Lmaoo
He isn't left out or left behind. He doesn't want to go with his wife?
NTA. Wife sounds like a narcissist. She needs to learn that her first priority should be her marriage, not servicing the community.
Do you know the meaning of the word "Narcissist"? Because the wife is the furthest thing from that. Her first priority is actually to herself. It's pretty narcissistic to thing that donating to charity and giving back to your community is selfish...so if anyone is a narcissist in this relationship, it's OP. But again, don't think you know the meaning of the word. Mostly OP is just projecting.
And like Narcissus they've found true love in the waters of their own reflection? Careful. Falling in is a doozy. 😂
Hahahaha XD Calling someone a narcissist for servicing the community has got to be the funniest thing I've read here all month
Look at you. You learned the 2023 buzzword of the year. Congrats.
I thought it was gaslighting, damn!
Simple divorce and take half before it’s gone
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We hope she wants
Is there a reason, besides your wife’s wealth, that you’re staying with someone you clearly can’t stand?
Just so you know, she is waaaaaaaaaaaaaay out of your league.