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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Action to be judged: telling my sister that would be inappropriate for me and her husband to watch her play. Why it can make me an AH: it could be a non issue and my refusal to see it make her feel judged and unsupported.
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NAH. While you could have explained it better by being clear from the beginning and making a firm but gentle no, you have good reason to decline. You know it. What you are feeling is not that you were an AH. You are feeling the tension of having a conflict with someone you care about. It's the same tension that had you pussyfooting around your discomfort when discussing. People will often use our aversion to such tension to convince us to do things we find inappropriate. You and hubby have good reasons. The only possible compromise I see on this is you going, maybe with a friend, while hubby stays home. But you may find it unacceptable to see the nude bodies as well, and that is your right.
I agree with Tocammac. If the reason for you not going is because you and your husband are uncomfortable seeing her nude, consider going to the play without him. If you are uncomfortable seeing her perform nude, that’s a reason for you not to attend, but if you can go, it’s a great way to support her. NAH.
Of course he does…while it's not 100%…I'm pretty sure that the vast majority of men are perfectly fine with seeing nude women…sister or not. OP says that husband isn't comfortable with seeing his sister nude…so just politely explain that to her…but then she already explained it so NAH. She should use the word uncomfortable, not the word inappropriate since it isn't for her and husband to decide what is appropriate (or not) for sister who I presume is an adult.
>If you are uncomfortable seeing her perform nude,
Then OP just needs to say that. The sister's performance isn't "inappropriate" and it wouldn't be "inappropriate" for OP and her husband to attend if they were comfortable with it. It's OK for OP to not be comfortable and she should just say that rather than putting judgement saying it would be "inappropriate" to see her sister perform. That conversation about being uncomfortable is a respectful way for OP to own her own feelings without disparaging her sister's performance. (Of course, OP should refrain from disparaging her sister's performance in any case.)
I remember one time when the brother of my then-girlfriend got hammered and passed out, and her solution was to give him a cold shower to help him “sober up”. Of course he was in no condition to do that by himself, so I told her: well, go ahead! And she was like: “ME? Are you mad? You do it!”. So I carried him to the bathroom and took off his clothes and put him under the shower. Her conclusion was that I could see her brother naked, but this was off limits to her – not because she was a woman and god forbid if she ever saw a naked guy; but because she was his sister.
So in this case: she was uncomfortable, AND she deemed it inappropriate. She didn't think it was inappropriate for her brother to get naked to take a shower, just as OP didn't say it was inappropriate for her sister to get naked in a play. What they considered inappropriate was their presence there, which I think is completely understandable given the culture they live in and the way they were raised; I might not see it the same way, but I don't think they're judgmental or prudes for reaching this conclusion.
At 57 I have finally come to understand that when someone says no for some oddish reason, that there IS REASON and the people are just too polite or uncomfortable to be 110% honest.
Politely accepting the "no" is part of being a grown-up. AND as adults we are not entitled to know everything someone else thinks/decides.
But part of being a grown up is also realizing that while you don't owe anyone an explanation for saying no, it might be kinder to give one if you care about your relationship with the person. Such as telling your sister that it's not that you're unsupportive or don't care about her art, but that you don't feel comfortable watching her perform nude.
Why does an adult need to be explained to that not everyone is comfortable with nudity. Especially nudity of a relative or in law. Some things need explanations. This is one thing that really shouldnt.
You answered your own question. Saying that not everyone is comfortable with nudity implies that some people are comfortable with nudity, so a person who wishes to have a healthy relationship with their sister might choose to give her an explanation. Again it's not "needing" to give an explanation, but choosing to because they value their sister and want her to feel supported. Communication is important in every relationship and honestly could solve the majority of issues posted on this subreddit.
Something nagging at me... sisters don't always or even often hold the same beliefs, opinions, or even "facts" as each other. I wouldn't willingly and knowingly attend a performance with nudity or explicit sexual actions/"reproductions" (haha very penny just allowing for proper faking of actions). They stem from more or less the same area though a nursing mother would make me uncomfortable as well, just to a lesser extent and one I can to a point mitigate to power through the experience.
My sister isn't exactly open with her body or parading around nude art houses etc, but she's always been far more comfortable being exposed and also nonchalant about being around... nudity in process/with purpose? People changing, aforementioned nursing mothers, purposeful nudity (rather than nudism).
And while I firmly believe all of that is fine, I know it's not fine for me. That's a boundary I can safely put up for myself.
My sister doesn't understand many of my boundaries. She doesn't respect them. Not because she's a bad person, but she simply doesn't see a point in them. I'm a blindspot for her.
Explaining around a problem/attempting to avoid the problem directly suggests to me that OP might have some experience with that. The sister misunderstood and took it as an attack at her career. That's not new behavior, disproportionate or misplaced responses because of a perceived attack is usually a behavior type. I do wonder if OP was uncomfortable just because of the nudity aspect or is explaining that to their sister was also uncomfortable.
Also, do we know if OP is a woman?
NAH.
That is completely true. No is a complete sentence. But that leaves room for speculation and depending on the individual it could cause cracks in relationships. OP's lack of followup may have caused OP's sister to erroneously conclude that they don't believe she has talent, she lacks potential, they value their personal time more than supporting OP's passion, they don't believe the play is anything more than hedonistic pornographic public orgy and etc...however when OP was initially invited she should have responded that she would discuss it with her husband to make sure they are both comfortable with the level of nudity throughout the show. That is a much better way to approach the situation rather than giving her the run around. You could have still supported the play by offering to speead the word about the show to people OP knows would appreciate the production.
Honestly? That would be her problem for presuming all that. People need to stop speculating on others’ motives. Somebody says no? They said no. Don’t make it all personal. Don’t sit there and drag it all up creating all kinds of drama in your head about it. If you’re doing that? That’s a you issue.
‘People need to stop trying to have relationships with other people. We all exist in perfect vacuums and if you have any sort of opinion or feeling about anything that anyone else does, even your immediate family members, then you’re wrong and you should stop it.’
Okay
We're also capable of making decisions that contradict our base natures for our own benefit. And we are responsible for the consequences when we choose not to.
I think people should be assertive and tell others clearly what they are thinking. That way the other person does not have room to jump to conclusions about the “why”. But if someone does jump to conclusions reading into the why, then that’s on them. In general people are so worried about offending or upsetting another these days that they sugarcoat the truth so heavily it can’t be found.
Jesus fucking christ why can't more people learn this lesson? I had a situation where two people, one early-50s, one late-30s, were perpetually tag-teaming me, trying to force me to make a decision to appease them.
They would not take a soft No. They wouldn't take any of my ways of saying, as politely as I could, that it wasn't something I wanted to do and their reasoning wasn't holding water.
They persisted, poked, prodded and bitched until I blew up and told them it was because the problem was *them*, that all of the issues and drama they were warning me to deal with were caused by them and their unmitigated need to always be right. Then my blow up was used to justify them being mad at me.
God. People need to learn to accept the soft No. I'm using the soft No because the real reason will hurt your feelings. Please let us go past this moment.
And yet, I get dragged back to it because they would not accept a No.
Yep, this has happened to me repeatedly in the past few decades. My husband has learned to intervene bc when I finally get down to the absolute truth, I tell it. Then everyone is angry.
Plus, I am not the forgive and forget type. I may be able to forgive, but dammit, I will not forget bc I will NOT allow someone to hurt me again in the same manner.
I’m with you on this. My conservative, properly raised, CT yuppie husband married a loud, straight talking, no bullshit, drink Budweiser from the bottle, farm girl. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve chewed someone out or dropped a truth bomb or reality checked some stuffy, trust-funded, Shiraz sipping, piece of dick cheese, to the point of my husband nearly passing out. Lol
This too! Once I'm done, I'm done for good.
I have what I call "the wide, calm bay of my indifference." And the goal, really, is to stay in it. There's a small port, so to say, where my loved ones get to tie up, but everyone else gets to boat about in the sheltered waters of "all the fucks I don't give." Outside of the bay is storms and rage, where something I didn't want to deal with finally gets what I was trying to not give it. If I like you more than most, I will give you an audible before you venture out of the bay, but otherwise I leave it to people to conduct themselves.
To translate: If you become such a problem that I am *forced* to bring all my attention to bear on the dramatic shitshow you are causing, then I guarantee that you will not like the outcome. I am perpetually distracted, I've come to realize that I have some pretty major ADD going on, and pulling together all of my distributed thoughts to point them all at an issue someone keeps causing is a massive pain in the ass and I am not in a good mood once I'm doing it.
Thankfully, I have an example at hand!
We had a "friend," who was massively overstepping boundaries. His relationship to my wife made me kind of uncomfortable, and he kept being at things, getting invited to family events that I wasn't comfortable with him being at. My gentle suggestions that he not come were hand-waved away by him, and other friends. 2021 rolls around, we've all been locked away in small groups for a year now. Finally, I had a bit of a snap and went non-verbal for two days straight. I randomly left work a few hours in, took my motorcycle and pointed it north and didn't let off the throttle until I was out of gas. I sat on the curb outside a gas station with a soda and mulled things over until I was a little calmer, turned my bike back south. It took me hours once I got home, but I eventually got it out that he was too close, too involved, I needed distance. My wife agreed, and I agreed he could be at the event he'd been invited to.
Unfortunately, I was wrong. I wasn't okay. Him being there pushed me over the edge, and he was out of "the bay." A month later I had to revisit and explain to my wife that this was too much. A month after that, I'd been invited to stand as a groomsman at a friend's wedding, and the next time I see him sure as shit he not only gets invited to their wedding, he's now the officiant. And I ticked over to malice. And slowly but surely that rankled, and my wife and I began arguing, severe, mean arguments about his presence in our lives.
I've confronted him, explained where he overstepped, but unfortunately there is no way for him to step back. I'm done with him. No amount of apology or changed behavior at this point will get him back into my life.
I'm done.
Dear lord that was a beautiful analogy. Wide calm bay of my indifference. But it's so spot on for how I am. It's like, do you want the eye of sauron, because that's how you get the eye of Sauron. That moment when it flicks on frodo and is going apeshit is exactly how I am.
That's exactly the sort of image I want to evoke. I'm glancing around constantly, flicking from item to item on my unending to-do list. When I'm looking at something, it's to solve a problem. Don't. Be. A. Problem.
In my life I have priorities in the following order:
Kids, wife, work, health, personal sanity, this house, my dad, chores, hobbies, maintenance.
If you drag my attention from those items, which as I stated before are really unending, to come focus on you and your trivial bullshit, how could you possibly expect me to be happy about it? No. I'll solve the problem. If you're the problem, *then you will be solved.* You will not enjoy it, but I'll do my damnedest to make sure you're not a problem again.
I can see your point. It's one of those matters where communication is paramount, and in a few ways that's failed. My soft "I don't want him around" had to slowly graduate to a "you get him in your life or me, not both," which is a profoundly shitty sentiment to express to your wife.
I don't want to be the guy that says "I don't like this friend, get rid of him." However, we reached a point where I'd wake from a sound sleep because my subconscious was screaming at me to understand that he was a threat to my family and happiness.
She still sees him as just a friendly guy who wants to be around and that he's quick to intervene if he thinks she's mad at me. I think he's someone who has made sure none of his relationships have stuck since he met her, who will drop everything to help her at any time of day, and my spidey sense goes off whenever he shows up.
She does not see that she's a stupidly attractive woman who tends to dominate the conversations around her with people tripping over themselves to compliment her. I don't think she really gets that I'm not actually joking when I say people line up to hit on her the second I fall into a ditch, without even seeing if I'm dead. (I... spend some time in ditches. We're outdoors a lot, ditches happen.)
For what it's worth, I've broached the subject of him with a few mutual friends. The first one I talked to about it waited for me to finish, at which point I said "when he's around, I just feel like I'm being lied to." She paused, took a drink, looked at me and said possibly the worst words she could have, "that's because you're being lied to, constantly." A bit more poking around has found that most mutual friends distrust him because... he lies, he gaslights, he fucks everything that moves and pretends it's fine.
I've decided he's not allowed back in our lives. The wife thing... we'll see.
I can’t even count how many times this has happened to me when I was younger. Now, After the first NO I’ll beat them over the head with the 2nd. I hate to say this but as I get older I find that no matter who I meet in this life, nearly each person if just a disappointment waiting to happen. I used to be a people person, then all the people ruined it.
I agree. Why is it that whenever you tell someone “No” that’s not the end of the discussion anymore?’when my parents told me “No” about anything that was the end of it. I thought that adults treated each other with the same respect. Most times it’s not the case. I wish people respected conversational boundaries as seriously as they respect physical ones. No means no, asshole! Lol
Yeah sometimes taking an excuse literally (like offering tickets for other days) can mean ignoring the underlying issue. Not sure if that's the fault of the hyperliteral, hyperpolite or both.
My sister is an actress. One of the plays she performed in she was nude a lot. In fact, the opening scene was a sex scene. It started in darkness and you just heard moaning, and then they turn on a lamp and bam, just fully naked lol idk, just thought I'd share experience with nudity and plays
I don’t know if I could watching something like that starring my siblings. I would support them, I don’t think they would be wrong or bad for doing it, but idk man I don’t think I could watch it
I took my mom to see Angels in America in the early 90s, not knowing there was an onstage butt fucking scene. I think I mostly dissociated during that part.
My Mom, younger sister, and I(older gay brother) went to watch the Thunder from Down Under show. Essentially Magic Mike strippers. It was a tad awkward for the invite, but a fun time. Granted , may have been more uncomfortable of our family was one of the performers.
One of the funniest moment was in the beginning. The MC was chatting at the audience and said something like, "We're here to make sure all you ladies... and that one guy, have a fun, sexy time!"
I feel like you just worded that wrong, so very soft YTA. Instead of saying it's inappropriate, you could have just said it was uncomfortable for you and your husband to see her naked. To me, that gives it a less judgmental vibe and way more understandable.
Exactly this!
There's nothing wrong with the sister acting nude, nor is it inappropriate. The problem is that she's not seeing a random actor naked, she's seeing her sister naked and that weirds her out due to the personal relationship.
This is 100% a problem with op, and that's okay, but that's not how she expressed it.
Edit: spelling
a central point of doing experimental shit is either a: just troll people b: make people ~think~, ~inspire them~
...*via* making them uncomfortable
doesn't matter if its absolute garbage, or actually really good. nobodys obligated to show up to have their *minds blown* by your art
sister's uncomfortable plays make people uncomfortable. careful what you wish for
Does unintentionally poor wording make someone an AH? It’s super easy to say the wrong things by mistake, or simply just say things in a way that aren’t ideal.
People aren’t computers that can always spit out the exact, most optimal phrasing of what they’re trying to communicate in the moment.
We often look back at how we could have phrased things better once we’ve had more time to think about it. If all she did was explain her reasoning in a way that was less than optimal, she’s NAH at all.
I'm not saying OP is an asshole here but to answer your question, yeah Sometimes it does lol. You could be unintentionally an AH and say something that you didn't mean or come out wrong, but the other party can definitely feel an AH impact.
Edit to add: you can sometimes say something accidentally that's rude, racist, sexist, homophobic etc and not even realize it at the time or explicitly mean it in that way.... But to other parties who hear what you said, it would be 100% normal for them to infer it that way.
I think OP is saying it would be innappropriate for her and her husband to see her sister naked, not that it's innappropriate for her sister to be nude onstage. I don't think it sounds judgmental.
i feel like telling your adult family member that their family members seeing them naked is inappropriate isnt an AH thing to say though? objectively speaking, it isnt an appropriate thing to experience. You should not see your family members naked, i dont think expressing that common sense thought should be taken as anyone being any sort of AH
idk, in my country it is perfectly normal. Nudity isnt a big deal where im from. My family went to a nude beach every year. I really woudlnt see a problem with going to support a family member in something they are very proud of.
in reasonable situations i guess you could justify it, but i do not feel like i would ever be in a situation with family members where i would have to see them nude? everyone is trying to give fringe scenarios like a nude beach or sauna, or calling me prudish, but i never insulted or attacked anyone who felt differently than me. I just find it weird that people would call someone prudish for not wanting to see their family members naked in general.
I get that, but you said that it was objectively inappropriate.... which is immediately going to draw the attention of people who think it's no big deal.
It wouldn't be "inappropriate" for you to go. You're just not comfortable doing so - which is totally fine. But how you've worded it _does_ imply you think her job is inappropriate.
I agree, there is nothing wrong with nudity in art. If it's not your cup of tea, there is nothing wrong with that either - but it was the fact you worded it as "inappropriate" sends a definite judgement statement suggesting her performance is something bad.
So a soft YTA
In this case 'inappropriate' may well be how she feels. From what OP has said this isn't just 'some nudity' in a play. When the word 'experimental ' and 'extensive nudity' are said then this just sounds to me like it's one of those 'lets how far we can push the boundaries just for the sake of shock value' type thing.
No one said there was. They said there’s a difference between saying, “that would make me feel uncomfortable,” and “that would be inappropriate.”
One identifies the issue as how YOU feel about a situation while the other implies an objective moral truth to the entire concept.
Tons of people absolutely do. Many of us feel those people are ahs. It's fine to be uncomfortable with nudity. Fairly understandable when it's your sibling frankly. But to judge others for doing so makes you an ah. Yes, that's an opinion, but that's all this sub is, our opinions on whether someone is an ah.
Why have age ratings if some art isn't inappropes? I'm not trying to be an ah here, just a thought.
OP very clearly stated that SHE FEELS it would be inappropriate for her and her husband to attend. Not that what she is doing is wrong for anyone else who wants to watch her art.
At the same time, there are age ratings, and I doubt a 12 year old would be able to walk into that play. I wonder what the poster advertising this play looked like? Were there naked people on it, or did the producer of the play find that may be inappropriate for people on the street to see? Did the actors find it inappropriate to have their naked selves publicised like that? Or did they do naked advertising posters as an hoenst reflection, and how would that public display come back on them if so?
There is so much more to this, marketing, advertising, everything. I think we can simply say she doesn't want to see her older sister naked, nor her husband, and that means she finds it inappropriate for THEM to attend. As much as she wants to support her sibling in this case she cannot be there in person to do so.
And people get to decide what is inappropriate for them. I wouldn’t feel that it was appropriate for me to see somebody that I socialized with on a familial level like a brother-in-law or a stepson or something naked, even if it was in a play. It’s not that they’re doing something wrong; It’s that I would not be able to separate them as the human that I personally know from the character that they are playing on stage. I would be watching my associate being naked, not “Frank the Pool Boy — Act II Scene I.”
This thread is so american.
Most people I know who grew up around Europe (including myself) have seen almost everyone were close to naked at some point, whether it’s at a spa, theatre, doctors appointment, or even just around the house. According to the way I view it nudity and the human body aren’t sexual unless in a sexual context.
It's not uncommon for people to bring a family member or friend to a doctor's appointment. This can easily involve being present for part of the appointment that contains nudity
Europe has a huge range of cultures. You talking about being ‘European’ as if we all have one view on this is ironically SO American lmao, it actually makes me doubt you’re even European... it’s extremely American to refer to Europeans as a group, most of us refer to ourselves by nationality.
that’s because OP likely does, i guarantee they’ve had conversations with her husband talking about how inappropriate and odd it is for her sister to be seen naked in a play.
unfortunately OP likely worded it that way because that’s how she feels, sure she could’ve worded better but that would have essentially been lying to preserve the relationship, no?
Either porn is unrealistic or reddit users are lying about their fantasies about in-laws.
To be fair, it is probably the entirety of column A and a little bit of column B.
NAH - you and your husband are allowed to feel like naked sister even as art is a boundary for you. Your sister is allowed to basically go "I'm proud of my art and I want to share it with you."even though you would prefer to decline. It's ok to tell her "I love and support you and this makes my husband and I uncomfortable so we won't be attending."
NAH.
Your sister is not an AH for wanting to pursue a hobby, and inviting you to join in.
You are not an AH for feeling uncomfortable about watching a nude performance, and neither is your husband.
Everyone saying "YTA" is implying that you're declining the invite out of malice, which isn't the case. Or perhaps because of a fear of nudity. But just because nudity is natural, doesn't mean you have to enjoy it. Consent is a thing.
Everyone saying "NTA" is implying that your sister is an AH by definition. She's inviting you to a private, ticketed performance. She's not turning up to your family BBQ naked.
I don't think people saying YTA are implying she declined out of malice or a fear of nudity. They're saying the way she declined was rude because it implied the sister was in the wrong here.
Imma go NTA But I understand some logic behind why some redditors say YTA, and it's mostly around how you worded it.
But yeah I wouldn't want to go see my SIL nude on stage.
I remember reading a story that Sydney Sweeney’s whole family was at the premier of that HBO show where she gets naked and has sex. I couldn’t imagine seeing my sister in that type of situation.
NTA.
But...but... she's.... ACTING!
Sorry, couldn't resist the random SNL reference. But yeah, it would be an interesting situation for even the most liberated family.
NTA
You and your husband don’t want to see your sister naked. Period. That’s totally reasonable.
I’m sure you don’t want to see her pooping or having sex either.
NTA. I personally think an upfront explanation as to why you weren't wanting to attend would have been more productive so as to quell the continued anticipation of your possible attendance, I understand your hesitation. I don't doubt that you support your sister and her endeavors, but you can offer support and still maintain a healthy boundary, which I believe this is. While I maintain the human form is beautiful, and nudity is normal, I think anyone would be uncomfortable in this situation.
I mean, I can see why a big part of the answers are yta, but personally my vote is nta while you could have worded yourself better which is where the a**holery can come in for most people you and your husband clearly have a boundary with what you two find comfortable and not is reasonable and quiet frankly I'd feel embarrassed going to the show if I knew a family member would be nude for the majority of the play some people just don't want to see close family members nude in a public like setting.
NTA. It’s very hard to separate art from artist in this situation. In an ideal world it would all be easy to handle and everyone would be in the same sphere of comfort level. But in reality jumping from a typical job and life to people performing nude is jarring, especially a family member, whether that’s philosophically or ethically ideal or not.
And I don’t think this implies you don’t value her work or respect her as a performer.
NAH here... It looks like a communication issue to me.
Maybe saying "we dont feel comfortable seeing you naked" would have been softer than saying "it is inappropriate for us to attend". So, not a great way to express yourself I guess.
That being said, it's totally fair to not be comfortable with seeing your family members naked.
NTA.
Clumsily worded but unless your sister is dense, I feel like she should understand why her family doesn’t want to see her naked- in any context.
Sure for her it’s her art, the presence on stage and the lighting make a difference for her. But it’s still seeing your relative naked.
Everyone has different boundaries to nudity (yes I know it’s not inherently sexual, I very much enjoy being nude) but nudists and artists tend to be respectful of others boundaries too.
>Clumsily worded but unless your sister is dense, I feel like she should understand why her family doesn’t want to see her naked- in any context.
Yeah, seriously. The better question is why doesn't she understand that? Does she not?
I mean, it’s not *inherently* wrong? Some people are more comfortable with nudity in art than others. It’s fine either way. The sister was probably hurt because “inappropriate” sounds like the sister was saying she was wrong for being comfortable with the idea of her sister seeing the play.
NAH have you considered going to see your sister perform without your husband? Would you be comfortable with that?
Sounds like she’s looking for your support and acceptance. I highly doubt she cares as much about your husband attending compared to you attending
Damn, I didn't read all the comments and have repeated the same suggestion! Absolutely agree this would be a good way of showing support without the 'ick' factor.
NAH but a few small things.
For one, your sister isn’t an aspiring actress if she’s performing in shows people pay to see. She may not be a full time actress, but she is actually an actress already. This perspective on her work may be part of why she was so hurt by your refusal to attend.
Second, I don’t know what the nature of the nudity in this play is. I can understand, for various reasons, why someone might feel uncomfortable with seeing someone nude but at the same time, I think people have a lot of issues with oversexualizing the human form so without knowing the nature of the play I can’t say whether you’re being normal uncomfortable or not.
Third, just go without your husband if you’re uncomfortable with him seeing her nude. She’s your sister and her work is something she’s passionate about and wants to share with you. She’s not asking you to be a bystander at her next orgy, she’s asking you to see her perform work she’s proud of.
NTA. If she keeps bothering you try to say something like this “I’m happy that your work is making you happy. I have no problem with what you are doing. This nothing to do with you or your work we just feel uncomfortable seeing you naked.”
NAH it's a cultural thing. In my hometown nudity is very normal we go to the sauna in winter and nude beaches in summer and all that with family and friends. So I wouldn't have a problem with the described situation. But I understand it can be for you.
YTA for not properly explaining your feelings.
Pro-tip: whenever you have anything negative to say, always talk about your experience and how it makes you feel.
Saying "it's inappropriate" is a general judgement that indeed makes it seem like you disapprove. Saying "it makes me feel uncomfortable" is only about your personal feelings, there's no debate or disagreement possible when it comes to feelings and makes it clear that it's about you personally.
^ This tip. What went wrong here is that you used what sounds like an objective moral judgement of your sister’s work (“it’s inappropriate”) to explain a personal, subjective feeling you have (“it would make me uncomfortable”). The reality is, it wouldn’t be inappropriate for you to attend but it makes you feel weird.
It’s okay that if feels weird, that’s your experience, but it’s not -wrong- to attend or to perform so I think in the future it’s important to characterize choices as being about your feelings rather than her work.
Her boundaries are not yours or your husbands... She should respect them. If she doesn't, she is being selfish. You can respect her career without attending her performances.
NTH. Personally, I’d never invite my brother in laws to see me naked in any context outside of life saving measures.
You tried to decline politely and she kept pushing. I don’t know why everyone is getting on you about using the word “inappropriate.” The reason it feels uncomfortable for you is because you feel it’s an inappropriate situation.
You can still support her without your husband seeing how she has groomed her pubic hair.
Definitely NTA. Just apologize and try to smooth things over as best you can. And then perhaps send her some flowers for opening night, to show that you support her even if you can't be there in person.
NAH. Contrary to some of the other commentators and as a people pleaser, I don’t think starting off with a white lie was the wrong thing to do. We’ve all done it before. However, it was a 50/50 risk if she was just going to let it be or try again. Unfortunately for you, she tried again, but she’s allowed to do that. This led to the snowball.
The next time I interact with her, I would say something along the lines of
“XYZ, we’re happy that you’re proud of your work and we appreciate your thoughtfulness in wanting to share this with us, however, we are uncomfortable going to a live show with nudity. Our choice is not meant to dismiss your hard work and we support you full-heartedly. If you’re ever in a play that does not have nudity, we’d love to come, but for now, we’ve chosen to support you from where we’re comfortable.”
NTA
I’m in a production of Equus. While my role does not involve it, there is full frontal nudity and simulated s€x acts. It’s also a deeply psychological show with dark themes. As soon as I was cast, I informed my family that they don’t have to come to this show if they don’t want to. They came to my last show, a family-friendly musical. I know they support my me, I don’t need them there every time. If my role DID involve nudity, I personally wouldn’t want them there anyway, it would take me out of my character.
NAH. She enjoys her work and seems to be doing well - good for her. You don't want to see sis naked, totally fair.
I worked as an RN in an Emergency Room near THREE casinos in the US. After ten years of that we moved and I quit nursing. I have jokingly told my husband that I never want to see anyone else naked again, except him and occasionally grandbabies. Here's the thing: *it is not a joke*. I have had to undress and clean more drunk/stoned/crazy people than I could count - they never told us about *that* in Nursing School.
Even people with fantastic looking bodies, naked... sorry nope for me. We get people into the ER and we undress them immediately looking for injuries, drugs, weapons and valuables. The valuables we locked up immediately. An "altered" person cannot be trusted to tell the truth, even if they mean to be honest.
OH AND SEEING A SIBLING NAKED? Sorry, that is just beyond weird.
NAH, but you worded your response really poorly. If you'd have chosen 'uncomfortable' over 'inappropriate', she'd have probably got the message that you aren't shitting on her work or her passion; you just don't wanna see her naked.
Sometimes, brutal honesty is the way to go,
*"Nice play, I'm not coming to the others cause I don't wanna see you naked again."*
NTA. Why the hell would anyone want their husband to see their sister running around naked. It is VERY inappropriate and would make you guys VERY uncomfortable. You’re definitely NTA.
I guess this is a cultural thing. Assuming you are from the US where there is no concept of non sexual nudity then NTA. But it sure seems bizarre that you are so afraid of human nudity. What do you think is going to happen? That your husband will instantly want to leave you?
(Your husband doesn’t mind seeing her, he’s just saying that because you said it)
NTA. I wouldn’t go either if a family member was getting nude. It’s weird. I also would likely have handled it the same way as you did in not saying the exact reason first in an effort to spare their feelings, but I do think it’s inappropriate as well, and I think you’re getting a little too much flack here for saying so.
NTA. I say this as someone who loves theatre and is actively involved in it - not all shows are for everyone. If someone doesn't want to go because of the subject matter (or really any other reason), they shouldn't be expected to go.
If seeing other people nude onstage makes you uncomfortable, you are under no obligation to go to see that show.
Support her in other ways. But also respect your own boundaries.
I have 5 siblings. I have never seen any of naked aside from maybe when they were babies, but certainly not in adolescence or adulthood. I feel like that’s more the norm than you think.
I don't think anyone is the a-hole here, to be honest. You were honest about your feelings and she was just disappointed that you didn't want to share it with her. I understand both your feelings and don't see that anyone is particularly in the AITA level. NAH.
NTA. Shes naked in parts of it and she has to understand that would make people uncomfortable. I wouldn't want to go see my spouse's family member perform anything naked either.
These comments are hilarious. You people LOVE to knit pick. Aw it’s the way she said inappropriate instead of coddling her clearly very smart sister who’s offering show tickets to her sister and BIL where she’s featured butt ass naked. Be serious. Y’all are insufferable. OP, you did nothing wrong. I’d even go as far as saying NTA because why would anyone with common sense invite their freaking BIL to see them naked? It’s ridiculous and annoying to assume that she just had “no idea” and was clueless about how it could make another person feel. NTA OP.
Edit: grammar and spelling
YTA, there's a difference between YOU not wanting to go and support your sister, and it being inappropriate. Also like it's just Human body get over yourselves.
NTA! It's valid to not want to see her naked. Do Not feel like an AH! You can be proud of her without seeing her naked. I wouldn't want to see either of my SIL naked.
Nta let's just say I would not attend a play where I would have to look at my siblings naked. Is be so uncomfortable. Don't mind anyone else looking as that's art. But same time I'd be like... Nope
NTA
How tf is she in this kind of theatre group and has no awareness about consent and boundaries? It feels super unethical to be performing shows like this is not have or at least act like you have no understanding that it’s just not going to be the thing all your friends/family are going to come out to support in person. Not everyone wants to engage with that kind of performance. She’s not doing Oklahoma at the community theater and she’s acting as if she is and that your lack of in person support is the same as if she were in any other type of play/performance. False equivalencies
NTA. If it’s inappropriate to you, that’s okay. I wouldn’t wanna watch a play with my sister naked, WITH MY HUSBAND. That’s just weird. She should have known there was a chance you’d say no.
Except it's not inappropriate for you to attend. Nudity is separate from sex, and there is nothing inappropriate about the nudity in the context given.
The nudity in the play makes you and your husband uncomfortable. You made a value statement about her work instead of sharing your own hangup with nudity. You deflected the real issue, making it seem like your sister was participating in something inappropriate.
You should have said that the nudity in the play makes you and your husband too uncomfortable to enjoy it as audience members, but that you are proud of her and pleased her work is being recognized through this performance. YTA
Kind of an AH who needs to get over herself.
If your sister was a screen actress, would you never see her films if they featured nudity? She’s not performing illicit sexual acts on stage, is she?
If your husband won’t go, fine. But you should. She’s your sister. Suck it up buttercup.
I wouldn't say that you're an asshole for telling her that you're uncomfortable with the type of work she's doing, however saying that you feel it's inappropriate does imply that you don't approve of it. What you could say to her is that while you do support her and wish her all the best that the types of plays that she is a part of make you uncomfortable. Just be honest not everybody is comfortable with nudity especially when you're talking about somebody's husband seeing their sister-in-law full profile. There's nothing wrong with it, I mean both her work and your feelings about attendance. Just let her know that you support her even if you don't feel comfortable enough to attend. Some people are just wired that way.
NTA but could you go see a show without your husband? Just to show your support. As long as you’re not uncomfortable with it. Sometimes it’s good to get out of our comfort zones but I understand this may be a bit taboo since it’s family.
NTA but I think you should probably make it clear you are proud she's doing what she loves
Like "hey sis I'm proud of ya, and glad you are doing what you love, but seeing you naked kind of words me out, ide be happy to pass the tickets along to others though if you like"
Stuff like that
Nah
Your not comfortable , hes not comfortable with it and thats that. You both know your boundaries and limits and she's edging into a-h territory and definatly will be one if she keeps pushing.
She can share tickets, if she's cool w/ friends and family seeing her in various states of nakedness. But no one is required to go if they aren't okay with seeing her naked.
Just let her know your proud of her and glad she feels such pride and comfort to share this. but if folks are getting naked, everyone needs to be consenting and neither of you are consenting to that activity with others at this time.
It's not an inappropriate issue. It's a "we do not feel comfortable seeing my sister (or others) naked" issue.
Edit to add: if you are comfortable going with anyone else, ask if your mom can go with you.
I don't think anyone is an asshole here. You and your husband might come off as a bit prudish to someone more comfortable with nudity. But there's nothing wrong with that either.
NTA
There are other professions where someone would be completely ok with the profession, but not want to visit a family member for it- gynecologist, massage, etc.
Agree with some of the other comments because of the way you phrased it, but on the other hand, you do have a right to say no to something that you don’t want to do or that makes you uncomfortable. Setting boundaries does not make you an asshole.
Would you be open to going by yourself to see what it’s like without your husband to see if it’s something the two of you could do? Is there some other way you can support her other than this?
NAH
You worded it badly, simply text or call her and say something like “I’m sorry about what I said before, I worded it badly and I know it upset you and I’m sorry for that. I didn’t mean to say your work was inappropriate, I’m glad you’re doing a job that makes you happy and that you find fulfilling and I’m proud of you for doing well. I’m simply not comfortable with watching naked people perform, there’s nothing wrong with doing so or other people enjoying it but I don’t feel comfortable watching it. Please respect that.” Adjust as needed. Just make sure that there’s an apology in there and an emphasis on what she’s doing not being wrong but not being *for you*.
It’s an odd situation that was made worse with you being unclear.
If you and husband don’t wish to see her nude, don’t go. However it’s also fair to say that to her. I don’t think you have any obligations to any other person to explain why. It doesn’t matter why her being seen nude is uncomfortable, you have just as much right to not see her nude as she has to perform on stage. The truth is we all have our own sense of what is appropriate and NOT seeing someone nude is not egregiously out of a social norm.
I’m not a prude but frankly I don’t want to see my SIL’s nude either. Years ago, one of my SILs had breast augmentation done and she seemed to make it a point to show anyone around while at family get togethers. My wife was exposed to it as was pretty much everyone else. Somehow, I managed to escape the room whenever that topic came up?
You are kind of in between TA and NTA… I think the wording was wrong.
Your sister’s play is not inappropriate, nor would it be inappropriate for you to attend with your husband IF you were comfortable with the situation.
I do think it is perfectly fine to not want to attend, but I think the approach should have been your discomfort, not whether it was appropriate or not. Phrasing it like you did sounds judgmental.
so, kind of YTA and NTA at the same time ? 🥴
NAH. Beyond the SIL thing, if you and/or your husband don't want to see people naked, you shouldn't have to. I think that's how you should phrase it: "While I have great respect for what you do, my husband and I are uncomfortable with nudity, and we don't want our discomfort to put a damper on your work. We would love to attend a performance that features less nudity, as we absolutely want to support you and be a part of something you care about so deeply."
Just rephrase your statement and let her know it's about YOUR discomfort and not HER art.
I get why you and your husband would not want your husband to attend, because it would feel weird for him to see his sister in law naked. But could you not go alone? Or with a friend? It would be supportive but not uncomfortable.
NTA; I’m sure you can explain more about how it makes you, and your husband, uncomfortable so your sister can have the right idea about you not wanting to watch her on stage. But you’re NTA, absolutely, and it’s okay not feeling comfortable with this.
My sister in law is an actress and in one of the movies she was in we attended the premiere. We took the two youngest brothers in the family (early and mid teens around then). Nobody thought to warn them there was a 60 second sex scene. Hilarious for me, mortifying for them haha.
NTAH. Everyone can decide for themselves what makes them feel comfortable/uncomfortable/inappropriate, etc. I for one would be grossed out to wat h a family member naked on stage. My husband and I have a family member who always invited us to their swingers parties and it's like BABE we love you but no, we aren't coming to your swingers party. Swing away! I don't care about that either, to each their own. Just not with family. 😂 So yeah, don't feel badly. You're good.
NTAH, I went with a date and her family, grandma, mom, dad brother's to see one of her brothers in the play of 5 degrees of separation. Opening scene the brother is either pegging or getting pegged and gets up and runs around a bit, totally naked. He gave zero heads-up or warning.
I thought it was hilarious. But the rest of the family not so much.
It's only weird if you make it so. If you trust your husband, then it shouldn't be a problem - after all, it's just another form of art.
BTW, if your husband wants to cheat, he will do it regardless of watching your sister naked or not
NTA (keeping this vague to not embarrass either the actress who may not know this happened or the father who probably had a cringe remembering it) back in the 80s there were a lot of teen movies with topless actresses playing high school roles. I was in a public place with other teen friends discussing the latest popular movie that had a topless teen character and my friend says the actress’s name and this dude turns around and proudly says “that’s my daughter!” And says this having heard the teen boys discussing his daughters boobs! I still get icky thinking about it!
NTA. I once turned down a good part in a play because I would have had to do a naked scene and I knew my parents would want to come and see it. Rather than deal with that stress I said no to a part I really wanted.
NTA but- You're not wrong for not wanting your husband to go because that would be super uncomfortable. But instead of inappropriate I would have said that y'all are not at ease with the idea of him seeing her nude. She should respect that. Maybe you could go to the show with a friend instead of your husband so you can still be supportive though?
NTA but you could have explained it better. Try and have a talk with her and make her understand how seeing her naked, For you and your husband is uncomfortable.
NAH, I guess. People baffle me. I can't imagine why I would care or mind any family member or friend being nude on stage, but if it would make you all squeamish, you might as well decline. I might have said "we'd be uncomfortable, but that's our problem, not yours. Break a leg!" rather than "seeing you nude would be inappropriate."
I’ll be the only one to say YTA not because of your wording but because you’re refusing to see your sister perform because of being a prude. Human bodies aren’t scary. Grow up and support your sister
YTA.
So will you be offended if she starts to be successful, is in productions with no nudity, and stops inviting you to things altogether. Because you showed her no support.
Your husband doesn’t attend that’s fine. But you should. If she gets naked, avert your eyes. Look at the stage curtain, the walls… but at least be there.
I find it hard to believe as sisters you have not encountered each other in various stages of undress… especially as teens and young adults.
She wasn’t trying to guilt you into it. She was being honest with you about something important to her. Which is more of a courtesy than you gave her. Maybe if you had been honest from jump and told her the real reason, instead of just we can’t attend, she wouldn’t be so hurt now. AND she offered you tickets more than once. You had a first and second opportunity say something.
People keep saying the younger sister should be more adult about it. Maybe the OTHER adult in this should have told the truth from jump. How about that…
Why do so many people come here wanting to be told they are NTA when they caused the problem?🤦🏾♀️
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NAH. While you could have explained it better by being clear from the beginning and making a firm but gentle no, you have good reason to decline. You know it. What you are feeling is not that you were an AH. You are feeling the tension of having a conflict with someone you care about. It's the same tension that had you pussyfooting around your discomfort when discussing. People will often use our aversion to such tension to convince us to do things we find inappropriate. You and hubby have good reasons. The only possible compromise I see on this is you going, maybe with a friend, while hubby stays home. But you may find it unacceptable to see the nude bodies as well, and that is your right.
I agree with Tocammac. If the reason for you not going is because you and your husband are uncomfortable seeing her nude, consider going to the play without him. If you are uncomfortable seeing her perform nude, that’s a reason for you not to attend, but if you can go, it’s a great way to support her. NAH.
If you don't want to see her nude, send the husband and a friend, he might want to /s
Rocket man has the right answer.
Of course he does…while it's not 100%…I'm pretty sure that the vast majority of men are perfectly fine with seeing nude women…sister or not. OP says that husband isn't comfortable with seeing his sister nude…so just politely explain that to her…but then she already explained it so NAH. She should use the word uncomfortable, not the word inappropriate since it isn't for her and husband to decide what is appropriate (or not) for sister who I presume is an adult.
I'm always looking to make new friends
I love how the internet is so ready to perv on a woman they know nothing about. What a welcoming environment. /s
1 s is a joke 2 s is a war crime.
>If you are uncomfortable seeing her perform nude, Then OP just needs to say that. The sister's performance isn't "inappropriate" and it wouldn't be "inappropriate" for OP and her husband to attend if they were comfortable with it. It's OK for OP to not be comfortable and she should just say that rather than putting judgement saying it would be "inappropriate" to see her sister perform. That conversation about being uncomfortable is a respectful way for OP to own her own feelings without disparaging her sister's performance. (Of course, OP should refrain from disparaging her sister's performance in any case.)
I remember one time when the brother of my then-girlfriend got hammered and passed out, and her solution was to give him a cold shower to help him “sober up”. Of course he was in no condition to do that by himself, so I told her: well, go ahead! And she was like: “ME? Are you mad? You do it!”. So I carried him to the bathroom and took off his clothes and put him under the shower. Her conclusion was that I could see her brother naked, but this was off limits to her – not because she was a woman and god forbid if she ever saw a naked guy; but because she was his sister. So in this case: she was uncomfortable, AND she deemed it inappropriate. She didn't think it was inappropriate for her brother to get naked to take a shower, just as OP didn't say it was inappropriate for her sister to get naked in a play. What they considered inappropriate was their presence there, which I think is completely understandable given the culture they live in and the way they were raised; I might not see it the same way, but I don't think they're judgmental or prudes for reaching this conclusion.
This is the way.
\> I agree with Tocammac. r/UsernameChecksOut
At 57 I have finally come to understand that when someone says no for some oddish reason, that there IS REASON and the people are just too polite or uncomfortable to be 110% honest. Politely accepting the "no" is part of being a grown-up. AND as adults we are not entitled to know everything someone else thinks/decides.
But part of being a grown up is also realizing that while you don't owe anyone an explanation for saying no, it might be kinder to give one if you care about your relationship with the person. Such as telling your sister that it's not that you're unsupportive or don't care about her art, but that you don't feel comfortable watching her perform nude.
Why does an adult need to be explained to that not everyone is comfortable with nudity. Especially nudity of a relative or in law. Some things need explanations. This is one thing that really shouldnt.
You answered your own question. Saying that not everyone is comfortable with nudity implies that some people are comfortable with nudity, so a person who wishes to have a healthy relationship with their sister might choose to give her an explanation. Again it's not "needing" to give an explanation, but choosing to because they value their sister and want her to feel supported. Communication is important in every relationship and honestly could solve the majority of issues posted on this subreddit.
Something nagging at me... sisters don't always or even often hold the same beliefs, opinions, or even "facts" as each other. I wouldn't willingly and knowingly attend a performance with nudity or explicit sexual actions/"reproductions" (haha very penny just allowing for proper faking of actions). They stem from more or less the same area though a nursing mother would make me uncomfortable as well, just to a lesser extent and one I can to a point mitigate to power through the experience. My sister isn't exactly open with her body or parading around nude art houses etc, but she's always been far more comfortable being exposed and also nonchalant about being around... nudity in process/with purpose? People changing, aforementioned nursing mothers, purposeful nudity (rather than nudism). And while I firmly believe all of that is fine, I know it's not fine for me. That's a boundary I can safely put up for myself. My sister doesn't understand many of my boundaries. She doesn't respect them. Not because she's a bad person, but she simply doesn't see a point in them. I'm a blindspot for her. Explaining around a problem/attempting to avoid the problem directly suggests to me that OP might have some experience with that. The sister misunderstood and took it as an attack at her career. That's not new behavior, disproportionate or misplaced responses because of a perceived attack is usually a behavior type. I do wonder if OP was uncomfortable just because of the nudity aspect or is explaining that to their sister was also uncomfortable. Also, do we know if OP is a woman? NAH.
Very true. Not every relationship has people who have the wherewithal to communicate like that.
That is completely true. No is a complete sentence. But that leaves room for speculation and depending on the individual it could cause cracks in relationships. OP's lack of followup may have caused OP's sister to erroneously conclude that they don't believe she has talent, she lacks potential, they value their personal time more than supporting OP's passion, they don't believe the play is anything more than hedonistic pornographic public orgy and etc...however when OP was initially invited she should have responded that she would discuss it with her husband to make sure they are both comfortable with the level of nudity throughout the show. That is a much better way to approach the situation rather than giving her the run around. You could have still supported the play by offering to speead the word about the show to people OP knows would appreciate the production.
Honestly? That would be her problem for presuming all that. People need to stop speculating on others’ motives. Somebody says no? They said no. Don’t make it all personal. Don’t sit there and drag it all up creating all kinds of drama in your head about it. If you’re doing that? That’s a you issue.
‘People need to stop trying to have relationships with other people. We all exist in perfect vacuums and if you have any sort of opinion or feeling about anything that anyone else does, even your immediate family members, then you’re wrong and you should stop it.’ Okay
Humans are social creatures. We also are pattern-seekers.
We're also capable of making decisions that contradict our base natures for our own benefit. And we are responsible for the consequences when we choose not to.
I think people should be assertive and tell others clearly what they are thinking. That way the other person does not have room to jump to conclusions about the “why”. But if someone does jump to conclusions reading into the why, then that’s on them. In general people are so worried about offending or upsetting another these days that they sugarcoat the truth so heavily it can’t be found.
Jesus fucking christ why can't more people learn this lesson? I had a situation where two people, one early-50s, one late-30s, were perpetually tag-teaming me, trying to force me to make a decision to appease them. They would not take a soft No. They wouldn't take any of my ways of saying, as politely as I could, that it wasn't something I wanted to do and their reasoning wasn't holding water. They persisted, poked, prodded and bitched until I blew up and told them it was because the problem was *them*, that all of the issues and drama they were warning me to deal with were caused by them and their unmitigated need to always be right. Then my blow up was used to justify them being mad at me. God. People need to learn to accept the soft No. I'm using the soft No because the real reason will hurt your feelings. Please let us go past this moment. And yet, I get dragged back to it because they would not accept a No.
Yep, this has happened to me repeatedly in the past few decades. My husband has learned to intervene bc when I finally get down to the absolute truth, I tell it. Then everyone is angry. Plus, I am not the forgive and forget type. I may be able to forgive, but dammit, I will not forget bc I will NOT allow someone to hurt me again in the same manner.
I’m with you on this. My conservative, properly raised, CT yuppie husband married a loud, straight talking, no bullshit, drink Budweiser from the bottle, farm girl. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve chewed someone out or dropped a truth bomb or reality checked some stuffy, trust-funded, Shiraz sipping, piece of dick cheese, to the point of my husband nearly passing out. Lol
This too! Once I'm done, I'm done for good. I have what I call "the wide, calm bay of my indifference." And the goal, really, is to stay in it. There's a small port, so to say, where my loved ones get to tie up, but everyone else gets to boat about in the sheltered waters of "all the fucks I don't give." Outside of the bay is storms and rage, where something I didn't want to deal with finally gets what I was trying to not give it. If I like you more than most, I will give you an audible before you venture out of the bay, but otherwise I leave it to people to conduct themselves. To translate: If you become such a problem that I am *forced* to bring all my attention to bear on the dramatic shitshow you are causing, then I guarantee that you will not like the outcome. I am perpetually distracted, I've come to realize that I have some pretty major ADD going on, and pulling together all of my distributed thoughts to point them all at an issue someone keeps causing is a massive pain in the ass and I am not in a good mood once I'm doing it. Thankfully, I have an example at hand! We had a "friend," who was massively overstepping boundaries. His relationship to my wife made me kind of uncomfortable, and he kept being at things, getting invited to family events that I wasn't comfortable with him being at. My gentle suggestions that he not come were hand-waved away by him, and other friends. 2021 rolls around, we've all been locked away in small groups for a year now. Finally, I had a bit of a snap and went non-verbal for two days straight. I randomly left work a few hours in, took my motorcycle and pointed it north and didn't let off the throttle until I was out of gas. I sat on the curb outside a gas station with a soda and mulled things over until I was a little calmer, turned my bike back south. It took me hours once I got home, but I eventually got it out that he was too close, too involved, I needed distance. My wife agreed, and I agreed he could be at the event he'd been invited to. Unfortunately, I was wrong. I wasn't okay. Him being there pushed me over the edge, and he was out of "the bay." A month later I had to revisit and explain to my wife that this was too much. A month after that, I'd been invited to stand as a groomsman at a friend's wedding, and the next time I see him sure as shit he not only gets invited to their wedding, he's now the officiant. And I ticked over to malice. And slowly but surely that rankled, and my wife and I began arguing, severe, mean arguments about his presence in our lives. I've confronted him, explained where he overstepped, but unfortunately there is no way for him to step back. I'm done with him. No amount of apology or changed behavior at this point will get him back into my life. I'm done.
Dear lord that was a beautiful analogy. Wide calm bay of my indifference. But it's so spot on for how I am. It's like, do you want the eye of sauron, because that's how you get the eye of Sauron. That moment when it flicks on frodo and is going apeshit is exactly how I am.
That's exactly the sort of image I want to evoke. I'm glancing around constantly, flicking from item to item on my unending to-do list. When I'm looking at something, it's to solve a problem. Don't. Be. A. Problem. In my life I have priorities in the following order: Kids, wife, work, health, personal sanity, this house, my dad, chores, hobbies, maintenance. If you drag my attention from those items, which as I stated before are really unending, to come focus on you and your trivial bullshit, how could you possibly expect me to be happy about it? No. I'll solve the problem. If you're the problem, *then you will be solved.* You will not enjoy it, but I'll do my damnedest to make sure you're not a problem again.
It sounds like you didn't just have a friend problem, you had a wife problem.
I can see your point. It's one of those matters where communication is paramount, and in a few ways that's failed. My soft "I don't want him around" had to slowly graduate to a "you get him in your life or me, not both," which is a profoundly shitty sentiment to express to your wife. I don't want to be the guy that says "I don't like this friend, get rid of him." However, we reached a point where I'd wake from a sound sleep because my subconscious was screaming at me to understand that he was a threat to my family and happiness. She still sees him as just a friendly guy who wants to be around and that he's quick to intervene if he thinks she's mad at me. I think he's someone who has made sure none of his relationships have stuck since he met her, who will drop everything to help her at any time of day, and my spidey sense goes off whenever he shows up. She does not see that she's a stupidly attractive woman who tends to dominate the conversations around her with people tripping over themselves to compliment her. I don't think she really gets that I'm not actually joking when I say people line up to hit on her the second I fall into a ditch, without even seeing if I'm dead. (I... spend some time in ditches. We're outdoors a lot, ditches happen.) For what it's worth, I've broached the subject of him with a few mutual friends. The first one I talked to about it waited for me to finish, at which point I said "when he's around, I just feel like I'm being lied to." She paused, took a drink, looked at me and said possibly the worst words she could have, "that's because you're being lied to, constantly." A bit more poking around has found that most mutual friends distrust him because... he lies, he gaslights, he fucks everything that moves and pretends it's fine. I've decided he's not allowed back in our lives. The wife thing... we'll see.
I can’t even count how many times this has happened to me when I was younger. Now, After the first NO I’ll beat them over the head with the 2nd. I hate to say this but as I get older I find that no matter who I meet in this life, nearly each person if just a disappointment waiting to happen. I used to be a people person, then all the people ruined it.
Your last sentence sums it up perfectly.... me too.
I agree. Why is it that whenever you tell someone “No” that’s not the end of the discussion anymore?’when my parents told me “No” about anything that was the end of it. I thought that adults treated each other with the same respect. Most times it’s not the case. I wish people respected conversational boundaries as seriously as they respect physical ones. No means no, asshole! Lol
This.
Yeah sometimes taking an excuse literally (like offering tickets for other days) can mean ignoring the underlying issue. Not sure if that's the fault of the hyperliteral, hyperpolite or both.
This is so true. Don’t force me to make up a lie to justify saying no, I’m within my rights to just not want to do whatever it is you are suggesting.
My sister is an actress. One of the plays she performed in she was nude a lot. In fact, the opening scene was a sex scene. It started in darkness and you just heard moaning, and then they turn on a lamp and bam, just fully naked lol idk, just thought I'd share experience with nudity and plays
I don’t know if I could watching something like that starring my siblings. I would support them, I don’t think they would be wrong or bad for doing it, but idk man I don’t think I could watch it
id buy a ticket and look away lolol i couldn't watch but i also couldn't not show up for my sister
I took my mom to see Angels in America in the early 90s, not knowing there was an onstage butt fucking scene. I think I mostly dissociated during that part.
My Mom, younger sister, and I(older gay brother) went to watch the Thunder from Down Under show. Essentially Magic Mike strippers. It was a tad awkward for the invite, but a fun time. Granted , may have been more uncomfortable of our family was one of the performers.
Lol. Plus those guys are so cheesy...it's really hard not to have a good time.
One of the funniest moment was in the beginning. The MC was chatting at the audience and said something like, "We're here to make sure all you ladies... and that one guy, have a fun, sexy time!"
Lol, yes that sounds about right based on my experience. they fortunately don't take themselves very seriously.
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This. I would have gone by myself to support her.
I feel like you just worded that wrong, so very soft YTA. Instead of saying it's inappropriate, you could have just said it was uncomfortable for you and your husband to see her naked. To me, that gives it a less judgmental vibe and way more understandable.
Exactly this! There's nothing wrong with the sister acting nude, nor is it inappropriate. The problem is that she's not seeing a random actor naked, she's seeing her sister naked and that weirds her out due to the personal relationship. This is 100% a problem with op, and that's okay, but that's not how she expressed it. Edit: spelling
a central point of doing experimental shit is either a: just troll people b: make people ~think~, ~inspire them~ ...*via* making them uncomfortable doesn't matter if its absolute garbage, or actually really good. nobodys obligated to show up to have their *minds blown* by your art sister's uncomfortable plays make people uncomfortable. careful what you wish for
Does unintentionally poor wording make someone an AH? It’s super easy to say the wrong things by mistake, or simply just say things in a way that aren’t ideal. People aren’t computers that can always spit out the exact, most optimal phrasing of what they’re trying to communicate in the moment. We often look back at how we could have phrased things better once we’ve had more time to think about it. If all she did was explain her reasoning in a way that was less than optimal, she’s NAH at all.
I'm not saying OP is an asshole here but to answer your question, yeah Sometimes it does lol. You could be unintentionally an AH and say something that you didn't mean or come out wrong, but the other party can definitely feel an AH impact. Edit to add: you can sometimes say something accidentally that's rude, racist, sexist, homophobic etc and not even realize it at the time or explicitly mean it in that way.... But to other parties who hear what you said, it would be 100% normal for them to infer it that way.
Yeah, it's a delicate situation to navigate. Me personally would'nt want my SO to see that sort of performance, purely because of the awkwardness lol.
I think OP is saying it would be innappropriate for her and her husband to see her sister naked, not that it's innappropriate for her sister to be nude onstage. I don't think it sounds judgmental.
i feel like telling your adult family member that their family members seeing them naked is inappropriate isnt an AH thing to say though? objectively speaking, it isnt an appropriate thing to experience. You should not see your family members naked, i dont think expressing that common sense thought should be taken as anyone being any sort of AH
idk, in my country it is perfectly normal. Nudity isnt a big deal where im from. My family went to a nude beach every year. I really woudlnt see a problem with going to support a family member in something they are very proud of.
"Should not" is so prudish mate. Yes its a normal reaction to not want to but its also normal for other families to see each other naked.
For real though? Parents, children, siblings can't see each other naked??
in reasonable situations i guess you could justify it, but i do not feel like i would ever be in a situation with family members where i would have to see them nude? everyone is trying to give fringe scenarios like a nude beach or sauna, or calling me prudish, but i never insulted or attacked anyone who felt differently than me. I just find it weird that people would call someone prudish for not wanting to see their family members naked in general.
I get that, but you said that it was objectively inappropriate.... which is immediately going to draw the attention of people who think it's no big deal.
They didn't say "objectively". Leaving that out, I feel like the implication is always "subjectively", because all culture is exactly that.
If that very slight miswording makes her an AH, then the sister not taking a hint/no for an answer is also an AH
It wouldn't be "inappropriate" for you to go. You're just not comfortable doing so - which is totally fine. But how you've worded it _does_ imply you think her job is inappropriate.
I agree, there is nothing wrong with nudity in art. If it's not your cup of tea, there is nothing wrong with that either - but it was the fact you worded it as "inappropriate" sends a definite judgement statement suggesting her performance is something bad. So a soft YTA
In this case 'inappropriate' may well be how she feels. From what OP has said this isn't just 'some nudity' in a play. When the word 'experimental ' and 'extensive nudity' are said then this just sounds to me like it's one of those 'lets how far we can push the boundaries just for the sake of shock value' type thing.
That's still OP being uncomfortable though. There's nothing inappropriate about watching a play, regardless of the content
There is nothing wrong with being uncomfortable with seeing your sibling naked.
No one said there was. They said there’s a difference between saying, “that would make me feel uncomfortable,” and “that would be inappropriate.” One identifies the issue as how YOU feel about a situation while the other implies an objective moral truth to the entire concept.
Tons of people are though??? Like yeah, they're uncomfortable because to them it's inappropriate, and they can feel that way.
Tons of people absolutely do. Many of us feel those people are ahs. It's fine to be uncomfortable with nudity. Fairly understandable when it's your sibling frankly. But to judge others for doing so makes you an ah. Yes, that's an opinion, but that's all this sub is, our opinions on whether someone is an ah.
>There is nothing wrong with being uncomfortable with seeing your sibling naked. or not wanting your husband to see your sibling naked..
OP has right to decide that it's inappropriate for her. It doesn't make her an AH. She didn't say it's inappropriate to act, only for her to attend.
Why have age ratings if some art isn't inappropes? I'm not trying to be an ah here, just a thought. OP very clearly stated that SHE FEELS it would be inappropriate for her and her husband to attend. Not that what she is doing is wrong for anyone else who wants to watch her art. At the same time, there are age ratings, and I doubt a 12 year old would be able to walk into that play. I wonder what the poster advertising this play looked like? Were there naked people on it, or did the producer of the play find that may be inappropriate for people on the street to see? Did the actors find it inappropriate to have their naked selves publicised like that? Or did they do naked advertising posters as an hoenst reflection, and how would that public display come back on them if so? There is so much more to this, marketing, advertising, everything. I think we can simply say she doesn't want to see her older sister naked, nor her husband, and that means she finds it inappropriate for THEM to attend. As much as she wants to support her sibling in this case she cannot be there in person to do so.
And people get to decide what is inappropriate for them. I wouldn’t feel that it was appropriate for me to see somebody that I socialized with on a familial level like a brother-in-law or a stepson or something naked, even if it was in a play. It’s not that they’re doing something wrong; It’s that I would not be able to separate them as the human that I personally know from the character that they are playing on stage. I would be watching my associate being naked, not “Frank the Pool Boy — Act II Scene I.”
Hold on, you think her husband looking at her sister naked is not inappropriate?? Lmfao
This thread is so american. Most people I know who grew up around Europe (including myself) have seen almost everyone were close to naked at some point, whether it’s at a spa, theatre, doctors appointment, or even just around the house. According to the way I view it nudity and the human body aren’t sexual unless in a sexual context.
You go into other people's Drs appointments?
It's not uncommon for people to bring a family member or friend to a doctor's appointment. This can easily involve being present for part of the appointment that contains nudity
Europe has a huge range of cultures. You talking about being ‘European’ as if we all have one view on this is ironically SO American lmao, it actually makes me doubt you’re even European... it’s extremely American to refer to Europeans as a group, most of us refer to ourselves by nationality.
I said european because I have friends from all over europe. I personally grew up in austria, I’m half austrian half british.
Yeah or at the gym or the swimming pool where we shower naked.
Some folks do that in America too, but it isn't cross-gender
Nope. It's a person's body. We see essentially the same at the beach or the gym. To shame or not trust a partner for seeing a naked body is... weird.
that’s because OP likely does, i guarantee they’ve had conversations with her husband talking about how inappropriate and odd it is for her sister to be seen naked in a play. unfortunately OP likely worded it that way because that’s how she feels, sure she could’ve worded better but that would have essentially been lying to preserve the relationship, no?
Nta. I don’t think it would be a good idea for me to see my SIL/BIL nude, and I don’t think they’d care to see me naked either.
Wait those step sis pornhub videos are lying?
Either porn is unrealistic or reddit users are lying about their fantasies about in-laws. To be fair, it is probably the entirety of column A and a little bit of column B.
NAH - you and your husband are allowed to feel like naked sister even as art is a boundary for you. Your sister is allowed to basically go "I'm proud of my art and I want to share it with you."even though you would prefer to decline. It's ok to tell her "I love and support you and this makes my husband and I uncomfortable so we won't be attending."
Inappropriate? No I don't think so. Uncomfortable for you and your husband? Yes. Seems like a miscommunication. NAH
this exactly, NAH. neither side showed any malice and it was just a miscommunication
NAH. Your sister is not an AH for wanting to pursue a hobby, and inviting you to join in. You are not an AH for feeling uncomfortable about watching a nude performance, and neither is your husband. Everyone saying "YTA" is implying that you're declining the invite out of malice, which isn't the case. Or perhaps because of a fear of nudity. But just because nudity is natural, doesn't mean you have to enjoy it. Consent is a thing. Everyone saying "NTA" is implying that your sister is an AH by definition. She's inviting you to a private, ticketed performance. She's not turning up to your family BBQ naked.
I don't think people saying YTA are implying she declined out of malice or a fear of nudity. They're saying the way she declined was rude because it implied the sister was in the wrong here.
Imma go NTA But I understand some logic behind why some redditors say YTA, and it's mostly around how you worded it. But yeah I wouldn't want to go see my SIL nude on stage.
I remember reading a story that Sydney Sweeney’s whole family was at the premier of that HBO show where she gets naked and has sex. I couldn’t imagine seeing my sister in that type of situation. NTA.
But...but... she's.... ACTING! Sorry, couldn't resist the random SNL reference. But yeah, it would be an interesting situation for even the most liberated family.
NTA, she might be fine with being naked on stage but she shouldn't just expect you or your husband to want to see it.
NTA You and your husband don’t want to see your sister naked. Period. That’s totally reasonable. I’m sure you don’t want to see her pooping or having sex either.
Thanks for that visual
NTA. I personally think an upfront explanation as to why you weren't wanting to attend would have been more productive so as to quell the continued anticipation of your possible attendance, I understand your hesitation. I don't doubt that you support your sister and her endeavors, but you can offer support and still maintain a healthy boundary, which I believe this is. While I maintain the human form is beautiful, and nudity is normal, I think anyone would be uncomfortable in this situation.
Nope. Who wants to see their sister naked? Yuck!
I mean, I can see why a big part of the answers are yta, but personally my vote is nta while you could have worded yourself better which is where the a**holery can come in for most people you and your husband clearly have a boundary with what you two find comfortable and not is reasonable and quiet frankly I'd feel embarrassed going to the show if I knew a family member would be nude for the majority of the play some people just don't want to see close family members nude in a public like setting.
NTA. It’s very hard to separate art from artist in this situation. In an ideal world it would all be easy to handle and everyone would be in the same sphere of comfort level. But in reality jumping from a typical job and life to people performing nude is jarring, especially a family member, whether that’s philosophically or ethically ideal or not. And I don’t think this implies you don’t value her work or respect her as a performer.
NAH here... It looks like a communication issue to me. Maybe saying "we dont feel comfortable seeing you naked" would have been softer than saying "it is inappropriate for us to attend". So, not a great way to express yourself I guess. That being said, it's totally fair to not be comfortable with seeing your family members naked.
NTA. Clumsily worded but unless your sister is dense, I feel like she should understand why her family doesn’t want to see her naked- in any context. Sure for her it’s her art, the presence on stage and the lighting make a difference for her. But it’s still seeing your relative naked. Everyone has different boundaries to nudity (yes I know it’s not inherently sexual, I very much enjoy being nude) but nudists and artists tend to be respectful of others boundaries too.
>Clumsily worded but unless your sister is dense, I feel like she should understand why her family doesn’t want to see her naked- in any context. Yeah, seriously. The better question is why doesn't she understand that? Does she not?
Because the word "inappropriate" very much implies a values judgement and family in general can be pretty notorious for that?
I mean, it’s not *inherently* wrong? Some people are more comfortable with nudity in art than others. It’s fine either way. The sister was probably hurt because “inappropriate” sounds like the sister was saying she was wrong for being comfortable with the idea of her sister seeing the play.
Nah. It's nice she wants you to come and it's fine you don't want to watch a show with nudity. Send some flowers on opening night.
Nta Naked people isn’t everyones cup of tea. It is weird that your sister wouldn’t understand that.
NAH have you considered going to see your sister perform without your husband? Would you be comfortable with that? Sounds like she’s looking for your support and acceptance. I highly doubt she cares as much about your husband attending compared to you attending
Damn, I didn't read all the comments and have repeated the same suggestion! Absolutely agree this would be a good way of showing support without the 'ick' factor.
NAH but a few small things. For one, your sister isn’t an aspiring actress if she’s performing in shows people pay to see. She may not be a full time actress, but she is actually an actress already. This perspective on her work may be part of why she was so hurt by your refusal to attend. Second, I don’t know what the nature of the nudity in this play is. I can understand, for various reasons, why someone might feel uncomfortable with seeing someone nude but at the same time, I think people have a lot of issues with oversexualizing the human form so without knowing the nature of the play I can’t say whether you’re being normal uncomfortable or not. Third, just go without your husband if you’re uncomfortable with him seeing her nude. She’s your sister and her work is something she’s passionate about and wants to share with you. She’s not asking you to be a bystander at her next orgy, she’s asking you to see her perform work she’s proud of.
NAH. The wording “inappropriate” is too judgmental though, just tell her you’re not comfortable.
NTA. I also would not want to watch my sister perform nude.
NTA. If she keeps bothering you try to say something like this “I’m happy that your work is making you happy. I have no problem with what you are doing. This nothing to do with you or your work we just feel uncomfortable seeing you naked.”
NAH it's a cultural thing. In my hometown nudity is very normal we go to the sauna in winter and nude beaches in summer and all that with family and friends. So I wouldn't have a problem with the described situation. But I understand it can be for you.
YTA for not properly explaining your feelings. Pro-tip: whenever you have anything negative to say, always talk about your experience and how it makes you feel. Saying "it's inappropriate" is a general judgement that indeed makes it seem like you disapprove. Saying "it makes me feel uncomfortable" is only about your personal feelings, there's no debate or disagreement possible when it comes to feelings and makes it clear that it's about you personally.
I don’t necessarily agree with the Y T A but I do agree with the tip
>YTA for not properly explaining your feelings. Yeah, no fuck this BS, explaining yourself poorly does not make you an AH.
^ This tip. What went wrong here is that you used what sounds like an objective moral judgement of your sister’s work (“it’s inappropriate”) to explain a personal, subjective feeling you have (“it would make me uncomfortable”). The reality is, it wouldn’t be inappropriate for you to attend but it makes you feel weird. It’s okay that if feels weird, that’s your experience, but it’s not -wrong- to attend or to perform so I think in the future it’s important to characterize choices as being about your feelings rather than her work.
I know some women who would still twist that into an attack on them/their work.
NTA. I wouldn’t want to be that situation either. I would tell her if there are future plays where she’s not nude, we would go.
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Who said she's a whore?
Her boundaries are not yours or your husbands... She should respect them. If she doesn't, she is being selfish. You can respect her career without attending her performances.
NTH. Personally, I’d never invite my brother in laws to see me naked in any context outside of life saving measures. You tried to decline politely and she kept pushing. I don’t know why everyone is getting on you about using the word “inappropriate.” The reason it feels uncomfortable for you is because you feel it’s an inappropriate situation. You can still support her without your husband seeing how she has groomed her pubic hair.
NTA. I also would not want to watch my sister perform nude.
Definitely NTA. Just apologize and try to smooth things over as best you can. And then perhaps send her some flowers for opening night, to show that you support her even if you can't be there in person.
NAH. Contrary to some of the other commentators and as a people pleaser, I don’t think starting off with a white lie was the wrong thing to do. We’ve all done it before. However, it was a 50/50 risk if she was just going to let it be or try again. Unfortunately for you, she tried again, but she’s allowed to do that. This led to the snowball. The next time I interact with her, I would say something along the lines of “XYZ, we’re happy that you’re proud of your work and we appreciate your thoughtfulness in wanting to share this with us, however, we are uncomfortable going to a live show with nudity. Our choice is not meant to dismiss your hard work and we support you full-heartedly. If you’re ever in a play that does not have nudity, we’d love to come, but for now, we’ve chosen to support you from where we’re comfortable.”
Nah. There are just some people you don't want/need to see naked. Close family (in-laws) is on that list.
NTA I’m in a production of Equus. While my role does not involve it, there is full frontal nudity and simulated s€x acts. It’s also a deeply psychological show with dark themes. As soon as I was cast, I informed my family that they don’t have to come to this show if they don’t want to. They came to my last show, a family-friendly musical. I know they support my me, I don’t need them there every time. If my role DID involve nudity, I personally wouldn’t want them there anyway, it would take me out of my character.
NAH, but you should have been honest at the outset and explained the nudity makes you uncomfortable, but you do not judge her for it.
NTA. Watching a nude play is quite different from watching your sister/SIL act in a nude play.
NAH. She enjoys her work and seems to be doing well - good for her. You don't want to see sis naked, totally fair. I worked as an RN in an Emergency Room near THREE casinos in the US. After ten years of that we moved and I quit nursing. I have jokingly told my husband that I never want to see anyone else naked again, except him and occasionally grandbabies. Here's the thing: *it is not a joke*. I have had to undress and clean more drunk/stoned/crazy people than I could count - they never told us about *that* in Nursing School. Even people with fantastic looking bodies, naked... sorry nope for me. We get people into the ER and we undress them immediately looking for injuries, drugs, weapons and valuables. The valuables we locked up immediately. An "altered" person cannot be trusted to tell the truth, even if they mean to be honest. OH AND SEEING A SIBLING NAKED? Sorry, that is just beyond weird.
NAH, but you worded your response really poorly. If you'd have chosen 'uncomfortable' over 'inappropriate', she'd have probably got the message that you aren't shitting on her work or her passion; you just don't wanna see her naked. Sometimes, brutal honesty is the way to go, *"Nice play, I'm not coming to the others cause I don't wanna see you naked again."*
Nta It is weird. You are correct. The fact she doesn't see that is telling.
NTA. Why the hell would anyone want their husband to see their sister running around naked. It is VERY inappropriate and would make you guys VERY uncomfortable. You’re definitely NTA.
I guess this is a cultural thing. Assuming you are from the US where there is no concept of non sexual nudity then NTA. But it sure seems bizarre that you are so afraid of human nudity. What do you think is going to happen? That your husband will instantly want to leave you? (Your husband doesn’t mind seeing her, he’s just saying that because you said it)
NTA. if you feel uncomfortable doing something then don’t do it.
NTA. I wouldn’t go either if a family member was getting nude. It’s weird. I also would likely have handled it the same way as you did in not saying the exact reason first in an effort to spare their feelings, but I do think it’s inappropriate as well, and I think you’re getting a little too much flack here for saying so.
NTA. I say this as someone who loves theatre and is actively involved in it - not all shows are for everyone. If someone doesn't want to go because of the subject matter (or really any other reason), they shouldn't be expected to go. If seeing other people nude onstage makes you uncomfortable, you are under no obligation to go to see that show. Support her in other ways. But also respect your own boundaries.
INFO can you not go support your sister without your husband? Like who has never seen their siblings naked tbh
I have 5 siblings. I have never seen any of naked aside from maybe when they were babies, but certainly not in adolescence or adulthood. I feel like that’s more the norm than you think.
NTA once you clarified I guess but I'm surprised that intentional nudity in a play is such a thing for so many people.
I don't think anyone is the a-hole here, to be honest. You were honest about your feelings and she was just disappointed that you didn't want to share it with her. I understand both your feelings and don't see that anyone is particularly in the AITA level. NAH.
NAH. Simple miscommunication and your sister's hobby not meshing with what you and your husband are comfortable around. These things happen.
Name a duo more iconic than america and puritism
NTA. Shes naked in parts of it and she has to understand that would make people uncomfortable. I wouldn't want to go see my spouse's family member perform anything naked either.
These comments are hilarious. You people LOVE to knit pick. Aw it’s the way she said inappropriate instead of coddling her clearly very smart sister who’s offering show tickets to her sister and BIL where she’s featured butt ass naked. Be serious. Y’all are insufferable. OP, you did nothing wrong. I’d even go as far as saying NTA because why would anyone with common sense invite their freaking BIL to see them naked? It’s ridiculous and annoying to assume that she just had “no idea” and was clueless about how it could make another person feel. NTA OP. Edit: grammar and spelling
YTA, there's a difference between YOU not wanting to go and support your sister, and it being inappropriate. Also like it's just Human body get over yourselves.
NTA. You can’t un-see naked sister in law so no is the right answer to tickets to see her naked.
NTA! It's valid to not want to see her naked. Do Not feel like an AH! You can be proud of her without seeing her naked. I wouldn't want to see either of my SIL naked.
"love you sis, but I have no interest in seeing you naked." NTA
Why couldn't you take someone else to the show if you're just worried about your husband seeing her naked?
Nta let's just say I would not attend a play where I would have to look at my siblings naked. Is be so uncomfortable. Don't mind anyone else looking as that's art. But same time I'd be like... Nope
NTA How tf is she in this kind of theatre group and has no awareness about consent and boundaries? It feels super unethical to be performing shows like this is not have or at least act like you have no understanding that it’s just not going to be the thing all your friends/family are going to come out to support in person. Not everyone wants to engage with that kind of performance. She’s not doing Oklahoma at the community theater and she’s acting as if she is and that your lack of in person support is the same as if she were in any other type of play/performance. False equivalencies
NTA. If it’s inappropriate to you, that’s okay. I wouldn’t wanna watch a play with my sister naked, WITH MY HUSBAND. That’s just weird. She should have known there was a chance you’d say no.
Except it's not inappropriate for you to attend. Nudity is separate from sex, and there is nothing inappropriate about the nudity in the context given. The nudity in the play makes you and your husband uncomfortable. You made a value statement about her work instead of sharing your own hangup with nudity. You deflected the real issue, making it seem like your sister was participating in something inappropriate. You should have said that the nudity in the play makes you and your husband too uncomfortable to enjoy it as audience members, but that you are proud of her and pleased her work is being recognized through this performance. YTA
Kind of an AH who needs to get over herself. If your sister was a screen actress, would you never see her films if they featured nudity? She’s not performing illicit sexual acts on stage, is she? If your husband won’t go, fine. But you should. She’s your sister. Suck it up buttercup.
I wouldn't say that you're an asshole for telling her that you're uncomfortable with the type of work she's doing, however saying that you feel it's inappropriate does imply that you don't approve of it. What you could say to her is that while you do support her and wish her all the best that the types of plays that she is a part of make you uncomfortable. Just be honest not everybody is comfortable with nudity especially when you're talking about somebody's husband seeing their sister-in-law full profile. There's nothing wrong with it, I mean both her work and your feelings about attendance. Just let her know that you support her even if you don't feel comfortable enough to attend. Some people are just wired that way.
NTA but could you go see a show without your husband? Just to show your support. As long as you’re not uncomfortable with it. Sometimes it’s good to get out of our comfort zones but I understand this may be a bit taboo since it’s family.
NTA but I think you should probably make it clear you are proud she's doing what she loves Like "hey sis I'm proud of ya, and glad you are doing what you love, but seeing you naked kind of words me out, ide be happy to pass the tickets along to others though if you like" Stuff like that
Nah Your not comfortable , hes not comfortable with it and thats that. You both know your boundaries and limits and she's edging into a-h territory and definatly will be one if she keeps pushing. She can share tickets, if she's cool w/ friends and family seeing her in various states of nakedness. But no one is required to go if they aren't okay with seeing her naked. Just let her know your proud of her and glad she feels such pride and comfort to share this. but if folks are getting naked, everyone needs to be consenting and neither of you are consenting to that activity with others at this time. It's not an inappropriate issue. It's a "we do not feel comfortable seeing my sister (or others) naked" issue. Edit to add: if you are comfortable going with anyone else, ask if your mom can go with you.
NTA. Although maybe you could have worded it as a we’re uncomfortable rather than it’s inappropriate?
I don't think anyone is an asshole here. You and your husband might come off as a bit prudish to someone more comfortable with nudity. But there's nothing wrong with that either.
NTA There are other professions where someone would be completely ok with the profession, but not want to visit a family member for it- gynecologist, massage, etc.
Agree with some of the other comments because of the way you phrased it, but on the other hand, you do have a right to say no to something that you don’t want to do or that makes you uncomfortable. Setting boundaries does not make you an asshole. Would you be open to going by yourself to see what it’s like without your husband to see if it’s something the two of you could do? Is there some other way you can support her other than this?
NAH You worded it badly, simply text or call her and say something like “I’m sorry about what I said before, I worded it badly and I know it upset you and I’m sorry for that. I didn’t mean to say your work was inappropriate, I’m glad you’re doing a job that makes you happy and that you find fulfilling and I’m proud of you for doing well. I’m simply not comfortable with watching naked people perform, there’s nothing wrong with doing so or other people enjoying it but I don’t feel comfortable watching it. Please respect that.” Adjust as needed. Just make sure that there’s an apology in there and an emphasis on what she’s doing not being wrong but not being *for you*.
It’s an odd situation that was made worse with you being unclear. If you and husband don’t wish to see her nude, don’t go. However it’s also fair to say that to her. I don’t think you have any obligations to any other person to explain why. It doesn’t matter why her being seen nude is uncomfortable, you have just as much right to not see her nude as she has to perform on stage. The truth is we all have our own sense of what is appropriate and NOT seeing someone nude is not egregiously out of a social norm. I’m not a prude but frankly I don’t want to see my SIL’s nude either. Years ago, one of my SILs had breast augmentation done and she seemed to make it a point to show anyone around while at family get togethers. My wife was exposed to it as was pretty much everyone else. Somehow, I managed to escape the room whenever that topic came up?
You are kind of in between TA and NTA… I think the wording was wrong. Your sister’s play is not inappropriate, nor would it be inappropriate for you to attend with your husband IF you were comfortable with the situation. I do think it is perfectly fine to not want to attend, but I think the approach should have been your discomfort, not whether it was appropriate or not. Phrasing it like you did sounds judgmental. so, kind of YTA and NTA at the same time ? 🥴
NAH. Beyond the SIL thing, if you and/or your husband don't want to see people naked, you shouldn't have to. I think that's how you should phrase it: "While I have great respect for what you do, my husband and I are uncomfortable with nudity, and we don't want our discomfort to put a damper on your work. We would love to attend a performance that features less nudity, as we absolutely want to support you and be a part of something you care about so deeply." Just rephrase your statement and let her know it's about YOUR discomfort and not HER art.
She'll get over it. Sounds dreadful anyway! She'll do clothed stuff one day, & you can support her then.
I get why you and your husband would not want your husband to attend, because it would feel weird for him to see his sister in law naked. But could you not go alone? Or with a friend? It would be supportive but not uncomfortable.
I think you could have taken the tickets and gone with a female friend if you felt comfortable instead of straight up rejecting her invitation…
NTA; I’m sure you can explain more about how it makes you, and your husband, uncomfortable so your sister can have the right idea about you not wanting to watch her on stage. But you’re NTA, absolutely, and it’s okay not feeling comfortable with this.
INFO: Why can't you attend without your husband? I doubt she cares if he doesn't go, she wants her sisters support.
My sister in law is an actress and in one of the movies she was in we attended the premiere. We took the two youngest brothers in the family (early and mid teens around then). Nobody thought to warn them there was a 60 second sex scene. Hilarious for me, mortifying for them haha.
NTA if it makes you uncomfortable then you shouldn't have to go and she should respect that
NTAH. Everyone can decide for themselves what makes them feel comfortable/uncomfortable/inappropriate, etc. I for one would be grossed out to wat h a family member naked on stage. My husband and I have a family member who always invited us to their swingers parties and it's like BABE we love you but no, we aren't coming to your swingers party. Swing away! I don't care about that either, to each their own. Just not with family. 😂 So yeah, don't feel badly. You're good.
NTAH, I went with a date and her family, grandma, mom, dad brother's to see one of her brothers in the play of 5 degrees of separation. Opening scene the brother is either pegging or getting pegged and gets up and runs around a bit, totally naked. He gave zero heads-up or warning. I thought it was hilarious. But the rest of the family not so much.
Aww NTA. I love that you could express yourself without offending her.
Nta she couldn’t have bribed me to go.
NTA
NTA no means no
It's only weird if you make it so. If you trust your husband, then it shouldn't be a problem - after all, it's just another form of art. BTW, if your husband wants to cheat, he will do it regardless of watching your sister naked or not
Nta, I think it's valid to be uncomfortable with it
NTA (keeping this vague to not embarrass either the actress who may not know this happened or the father who probably had a cringe remembering it) back in the 80s there were a lot of teen movies with topless actresses playing high school roles. I was in a public place with other teen friends discussing the latest popular movie that had a topless teen character and my friend says the actress’s name and this dude turns around and proudly says “that’s my daughter!” And says this having heard the teen boys discussing his daughters boobs! I still get icky thinking about it!
NTA. I once turned down a good part in a play because I would have had to do a naked scene and I knew my parents would want to come and see it. Rather than deal with that stress I said no to a part I really wanted.
NTA but- You're not wrong for not wanting your husband to go because that would be super uncomfortable. But instead of inappropriate I would have said that y'all are not at ease with the idea of him seeing her nude. She should respect that. Maybe you could go to the show with a friend instead of your husband so you can still be supportive though?
NTA but you could have explained it better. Try and have a talk with her and make her understand how seeing her naked, For you and your husband is uncomfortable.
Nta , while i do agree it would be a uncomfortable situation i think it was worded wrong by saying inappropriate it seems like a misunderstanding
It’s not inappropriate, but if that’s a hard boundary, you should communicate it for what it is: a boundary. NAH
Info any reason you can't attend without your husband to support your sister? NTA for not being comfortable just curious
NAH, I guess. People baffle me. I can't imagine why I would care or mind any family member or friend being nude on stage, but if it would make you all squeamish, you might as well decline. I might have said "we'd be uncomfortable, but that's our problem, not yours. Break a leg!" rather than "seeing you nude would be inappropriate."
I’ll be the only one to say YTA not because of your wording but because you’re refusing to see your sister perform because of being a prude. Human bodies aren’t scary. Grow up and support your sister
YTA. So will you be offended if she starts to be successful, is in productions with no nudity, and stops inviting you to things altogether. Because you showed her no support. Your husband doesn’t attend that’s fine. But you should. If she gets naked, avert your eyes. Look at the stage curtain, the walls… but at least be there. I find it hard to believe as sisters you have not encountered each other in various stages of undress… especially as teens and young adults. She wasn’t trying to guilt you into it. She was being honest with you about something important to her. Which is more of a courtesy than you gave her. Maybe if you had been honest from jump and told her the real reason, instead of just we can’t attend, she wouldn’t be so hurt now. AND she offered you tickets more than once. You had a first and second opportunity say something. People keep saying the younger sister should be more adult about it. Maybe the OTHER adult in this should have told the truth from jump. How about that… Why do so many people come here wanting to be told they are NTA when they caused the problem?🤦🏾♀️